ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 263 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Tweed Pencil Skirt

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This tweed skirt from Brooks Brothers looks absolutely stunning, and I love the nubby, pale tweed pattern it has. I will note that it comes as part of a suit, but I would only wear the pieces as separates, and I think the skirt is far better than jacket. That's just me, though — you do you. The skirt comes in sizes 0–16 and it's $198. Tweed Pencil Skirt Two lower-priced options are from Loft (regular and petite sizes) and Tahari ASL (regular, petite, and plus sizes). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

263 Comments

  1. My boss has a difficult time managing her assignments. She frequently misses deadlines and is currently being disciplined and in probation, but it hasn’t had much of an effect on her performance. I am a top performer, but she doesn’t delegate very much to me or others on our team. She has lots of kids so she is frequently out of the office and hard to track down when we need approval on things. Emails to her go unanswered. I have standing weekly meetings with her which helps. But I feel like I spend a lot of time reminding her of outstanding tasks and deadlines, and projects are stalled as a result. Due to poor reviews she has promised to allow us to provide anonymous feedback through a survey, but (surprise!) it’s been several months and she hasn’t gotten around to it yet. I have been looking for another job for a couple years now with no luck. Just need to vent.

    1. If she’s on probation, can you stick it out until she’s fired and then apply for her job or at least have a better manager?

    2. You have my sympathies! I’ve been dealing with a similar situation and it’s exhausting. In my case, my boss often postpones or even cancels our weekly meetings, which is extremely frustrating. I keep a running list of issues to discuss, but when I have to cram 2 or 3 weeks’ worth of issues into a single meeting, things inevitably fall through the cracks. He’s in the process of transitioning to another role within the company (yay!) but has yet to follow through on any of the briefing or handover meetings he has promised to his replacement, leaving others to try and pick up the slack.

    3. Does she have an administrative assistant who manages her schedule/outstanding list of to dos? Maybe try that route.

  2. Love this skirt! Gorgeous.
    OT: Has anyone here done a self-drive safari in Namibia? I’ve got a couple questions and don’t know where to find people who’ve done it.

  3. I’ll be spending a few days in Lesotho in May. Any suggestions for what to do?

    1. Not much happening in that place. I would suggest you find some activity that involves star gazing one of the nights. Best view due to the elevation and lack of light pollution.

    2. I am super tickled by the back to back questions about Namibia and Lesotho.

      I’d do a multiday trek of some sort – hiking or pony riding. It’s been awhile, so I won’t give specific recommendations, but the mountains are the attraction. Especially if you do pony trekking, look in Lonely Planet or similar first to make sure you’re getting a company that treats its animals ethically.

      On the SA side, the Sani Mountain Lodge and driving over Sani Pass is classic. If you’re coming from Maseru, though, it’s probably not worth going that far.

  5. Can anyone remind me why I shouldn’t bake for the office? I thought I’d understood, but then found that I couldn’t explain it to my mother last weekend.

    Also, for nuance, does it matter if your office is all women, and if it requires potluck contributions every 2 to 3 weeks? Does it matter if your such a good baker that your stuff is mistaken for professional? Does age and generational status (no one’s worried my mom will go out on mat leave) matter?

    1. Because unless your job is Baker, you should be making yourself known for your work not your food.

      But if we are talking about your mom leave her alone she’s fine.

      1. My mom asks me questions, and we have discussions with supporting information. In this case (as others), it revealed my logic lacked depth. So I’m trying to learn more.

    2. Meh, I think it depends a lot on office culture. My firm does treat days in the run-up to the holidays and one day is put on by the lawyers and many people bake, including the men. One of our male partners will periodically bring in brownies that he makes, so here it is not such a big deal.

      I do agree it is more of a problem when “potluck” means that the male professionals give money to admin but a female professional is asked to make a turkey (which I think was a story from someone here). I would definitely not agree to that.

    3. What does it mean, “required” potluck contributions every 2-3 weeks? Is this actually required, or is it just something people do casually? If it’s the latter I would only participate occasionally and if I felt like it. And I sure wouldn’t like the pressure of doing it as a requirement.

      1. Its actually “required”, sign-up she’s and all. Not sure what exactly the consequences would be for opting out- but not good.

        2. In that case I think cooking and baking are no different and baking for the potluck is certainly OK.

        3. My office does a couple of these a year. The office is not all women, but the women seem to be the only ones who make something themselves; the men all bring something made by their wives or mothers. So I bring something obviously store bought and preferably ordered from Amazon.

      2. My office has started doing potlucks regularly (not sure when it will end, we used to just do December, but I just got a notice for a second one in 2018) and I seriously hate it. We used to do happy hours instead (last hour of work at a pub) where we’d get drinks and appetizers. This is such an annoying downgrade.

    4. I think the idea is you shouldn’t be the office “mom” and bringing in cookies when no one else makes homemade food to share will get you that mom reputation. A potluck is totally different imo.

    5. Age and status definitely matter. It’s advice aimed at young women just getting started. If you bake/bring in cookies, you’ll risk being seen in an overly caretaking role and not as a professional. If you’ve moved past this point in your career, don’t worry about it.

    6. Know your office. Everyone in my office cooks (men, women, senior folks).

      1. Same here. If you refused to bring something for an office potluck, you’d be labeled as a bit of a prima donna. Our holiday potluck is legen-wait for it!-dary.

      2. Same. The best baker in our office is a 20-something guy. And our big boss makes a point to bring something homemade to potlucks. It’s about camaraderie more than gender roles.

      3. Same. We have food share Friday once a month and the best cook in our office and the person who sets it up is a guy. Everyone brings something- usually little, like toppings for the taco bar with the meat in our office InstantPot (which the guy is the only one who knows how to use).

    7. If you’re early in your career and focused on climbing the corporate ladder, you want to be known for your professional contributions, not as “the nice lady who brings cookies every week!”

      If you’re at a point in your career that you’re not as worried about that sort of perception, and also you like to bake, then u think it’s totally fine to bring treats sometimes. I originally read that advice in NGDGTCO and I think it’s a good guideline for young women who want to ensure they are taken seriously professionally… But I don’t see it as a hard and fast rule to follow your whole career.

    8. I love baking and do it every Sunday, and bring whatever I make in to work every Monday. I worked here for 14 years before I started Dessert Mondays about a year ago, and since then no one has treated me any differently.

    9. The idea is that you want to be known for your professional contributions, not your baking. I don’t think it matters if your baking is mistaken as professional–in that case, it might even be more risky. If everyone, including men and senior people, brings in something homemade *that they made themselves* for an office potlucks, I don’t think it’s a problem to cook/bake for the office potluck–you’re fitting in with the office culture, not standing out for cooking or baking for everyone else.

      On the other hand, my office has a Thanksgiving potluck. The staff (almost all women) bring in homemade items that they’re “known” for every year. The young male attorneys use the sign up sheet to make inside jokes and then bring in something from the grocery store. The senior (all male) attorneys pay for the turkey and ham. I bought gravy at Costco, heated it up to make sure it tasted fine (it did), and put it in a crockpot.

    10. It depends on how established she is in her career and her role. If she’s known for kicking butt at her job and being awesome, and had built that reputation over a period of years, bringing in cookies won’t change that. If she’s new to her role and people don’t have that many data points on her, baking might pigeonhole her as an office mommy figure and that could be hard to break out of. Key word is “might,” not “definitely” or even “probably.”

    11. My husband loves baking for his office. I’ve always wondered whether this rule applies to him — I’m guessing it doesn’t, (and anyway, I’m not going to do anything to discourage him baking because I enjoy it.)

    12. I made a pie for my team on Pi day last week (we’re engineers). This is my first job after college and I’ve been here for less than a year. I’m not really worried about it negatively effecting my career outlook.

  6. For anyone who does Yoga with Adrienne – how do you watch it? Is there a good way to get it on my tv? I have a roku, if that helps…!

    I’m on day 3 (having only done every other day due to schedule) and really enjoying it! Any other recommendations for diving into her program? I think even the every other day has been helpful, although clearly every day would be optimal!

    1. If you can watch Youtube videos on your Roku, you should be set. Otherwise, you could Chromecast from your phone (you’d have to get a Chromecast though).

      1. You can watch youtube on Roku! This is how I’ve watched her videos in the past.

    3. Do you have a smart tv? When I use You Tube on my iphone near my tv, there is an icon at the top of the screen that, when I click it, gives me the option to beam it to my TV. I mostly use this feature to force my husband to watch terrible music videos, but you could use it for YWA too.

    4. Roku has a Youtube app. It’s decent, but I find the navigation a little lagging.

    5. I have a Roku too, so am interested to see if I can get it on my TV. As of now, I have either put her on my phone (which has a Pop whatever thing so I can prop it up) or my laptop on the coffee table or floor.

    6. I use my laptop, because there’s no TV in my workout room. If I wanted it on my TV I would chromecast it.

  7. How long do you wait until you spend your tax return? I’d love to throw it at student loans but I’m wondering when the risk of a recalculation has passed. FWIW this past year I dealt with a challenge to my 2015 filing because the accountant at one of my summer internships copied employment records from the previous year, erroneously claiming I worked for them two summers in a row when I only worked for them the previous summer. I resolved it in my favor, but it was terrifying to suddenly potentially owe thousands. I’m now paranoid that I should sit on my 2017 return for 2+ years to make sure I’m in the clear. Any advice? TIA!

    1. I don’t think the risk of a recalculation is that high, but it’s generally thought to be good practice to have an emergency fund before throwing extra money at student loans. It sounds like you don’t have that and so I’d save the money instead of putting it towards your loans. If you do have that, that can cover you if your taxes are recalculated and you don’t need to have saved your tax return money specifically.

    3. Refund. You get a tax REFUND (money) after filing a tax RETURN (digital/paper).

      If it makes you feel better, hold on to it, but it’s really hard to say. Are you circumstances different enough (regular W-2 employee vs the summer internship) that the issue is unlikely to come up again? Is it the same employer?

    4. Your tax *refund* is just that, a refund of taxes you’ve overpaid. Beef up your emergency fund if you’re worried about a repeat of an error like this, but you don’t need to hold the tax refund to pay any unknown and unlikely future tax liability – any emergency money will do.

    6. The amount in my emergency fund accounts for this possibility to an extent. That said, I donate 10% of my income to charities or other causes important to me, so I use my annual tax filings to confirm what my income was and then calculate my 10% donation amount to be reached over the year. I usually put my refund towards that amount, and it just sits in an Ally account until I made a donation with it. YMMV of course, but I find it’s least stressful to put the refund toward something that could be cut if it really needed to be rather than trying to keep track of a specific lump sum for years on end.

    7. You’re conflating your tax refund with a possible error in your taxes, but they’re unrelated. It’s no different than any other unexpected risk of loss (car, property, medical costs). The amount of your refund might not even cover a potential error, because they’re unrelated. So as others have said, this is an emergency fund item.

      1. Thanks, all. I have a rainy day fund that’s 6 months of expenses but the amount at issue in the 2015 dispute would’ve been 90% of my rainy day fund. I’m just overly cautious but it sounds like my past issue was a one-off and unlikely to happen again.

        And REFUND, not return. Got it!

  8. It depends on your environment. When I worked in a private firm with all male attorneys, I never thought about cooking or baking. Later, I was an attorney in a government office and I regularly baked for pot luck celebrations as did others. It didn’t hurt my career as I am now a judge.

  9. Reposting to see if anyone else has input: What does “adjusted in 2018 for 2017” mean for dividend income? I’m splitting taxes between two states, which is why I need to understand this category.

    1. I would assume that they’re all taxed in 2017, even though it sounds like some addition or subtraction was made in 2018. I’d put them all in your 2017 return.

      1. Definitely agree that they should be in the 2017 return. Maybe portion it by time in each state, or just have all the income for the last state?

  10. I’m feeling like a fabulous low rent r e t t e today. JCrew Factory drapey pull on pants in navy, JCrew Factory open sweater jacket in navy, and a loft blue tile print (for lack of a better description) silky (read: poly) shell. I’ve never been so equally comfortable and polished on a crappy weather day!

        1. I am in between a 14 and 16 in most pants (big butt, small waist, many problems), so I went with the 16 on these and they were perfect. The 14 would not have worked on my butt; the 18 would have had majorly droopy crotch. and no shape.

        2. I went with my regular size.

          FYI, Old Navy has a good dupe for these – I think they are called the straight pull-on pant or something similar.

    3. Do they have stretch? Needing some size-up clothes before I go full maternity.

      1. The back of the waist is elastic, but that’s the only stretchy part. If you sized up these might work (underbelly?) for a while.

  11. Solve a disagreement for me? I recently went to a museum and took a bunch of pictures of some gorgeous statues (Berninis to be exact). The statues are of people and they’re not exactly modestly attired (to the extent attired is a word that applies to marble). I printed a series of black and whites that I’d planned to hang in my main floor bathroom at home. I’ve gotten a mixed response from friends. Some think it’s too risque; others asked who was going to be seeing these pictures omg are children seeing these (queue pearl clutching). I’m single, live alone, no kids, not close to any kids. I’m pretty surprised by the response. I have a picture of one of the Bernini fountains in my office at work and never thought anything of it; I’ve gotten overwhelmingly positive responses. So what do you all think? Should I find a different home for the pictures? I don’t really have another good spot for them; I ordered the sizes and shapes specifically to fit this wall.

    1. Stop asking your friends to weigh in! That’s the joy of living alone. They sound fabulous. Go for it.

      1. Ha I didn’t! I got the prints in the mail and excitedly sent a picture to a couple of friends who knew I was expecting them. I was not anticipating the negative response. It’s made me totally reconsider my whole plan!

    2. That’s ridiculous. It’s art, not p0rn. I think those sound beautiful. I love Bernini.

    3. So your friends are worried that people who are likely half naked, while using your toilet, might see other naked people, who are presumably in more aesthetically pleasing situations?

      Hmm. Nope.

      I’m with the others: don’t worry about it, enjoy!

    4. This is absurd. Hang your beautiful pictures of the beautiful (marble) human body and tell your puritan friends to get over themselves.

    5. Having highly breakable and slightly (or very) inappropriate art is one of the advantages of not having kids :)

      1. When I was growing up we had a HUGE painting of a topless woman in our house. It wasn’t p0rnographic or anything, it was real art, but I always got a kick out of my friends’ reactions to it.

        1. We have a picture of a topless woman (modeled on my SIL!) in our front hall. IDK, I strive hard for a “bodies are bodies are bodies, meh!” attitude so whyTF not?

          3. I love it too! It sold out once while I was eyeing it, so I told Santa he better get it for me (:

    6. They are totally fine! Of course hang them if you enjoy them.

      They are just a different aesthetic than what make your friends comfortable.

      I wouldn’t hang them in my bathroom because it isn’t my taste for a bathroom. They are clearly saying LOOK AT ME, and some people who are in your bathroom as guests are telling you that they would not be comfortable staring at those while in your bathroom. But since your bathroom is for you, who cares?

      1. This is very subjective. Classical marble statues of nude or semi-nude people do not say LOOK AT ME, to me. They are so common and traditional, that it wouldn’t really register with me at all.

    7. I say your friends are more than a little uptight, but my family’s downstairs half-bath had a series of cartoonish illustrations of cute kids on the toilet, wearing nothing but undies, with the phrase “If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie” over it, so perhaps you shouldn’t take my word for it.

      1. hahaha. this reminds me of a friend’s grandfather’s shore house — in the powder room the light switch cover has a drawing of a man on it, and the light switch is his “garden hose” that goes up and down. makes me crack up every time.

    8. Ignore your friends.

      I have three kids and I’d barely notice if someone had this as decor. As in, I’m more much concerned about making sure my 2 year old doesn’t eat your hand soap and that the pee goes in the toliet. I’m sure they are lovely pictures. Put them up.

      1. Word.

        Also, my two year old is 100% okay with nudity. As proven when he announced to the neighbor (dropping off a book for my husband), ‘DIS MY P3NIS!’ while wearing no pants.

        1. +1 Put them up.

          My preschooler may point and giggle and try to strike a similar pose while saying “booty booty”. And then NEVER FORGET about the naked people. But I wouldn’t care, nor would I think you, as an adult, have to make sure your bathroom is ‘appropriate’ for children.

        2. +1 Put them up.

          My preschooler may point and giggle and try to strike a similar pose while saying “booty booty”. And then NEVER FORGET about the naked people. But I wouldn’t care, nor would I think you, as an adult, have to make sure your bathroom is ‘appropriate’ for children.

      1. Thought of this. When the hypothetical kids come over, you can tape some paper doll dresses onto the glass, ha!

        1. oh yes… the good old days!

          where is mr. ashcroft now with the stormy daniels saga, hmmmm? lolol

    11. My most conservative friend — by a mile! — has 6 kids. She also has, in her front hall bathroom, a painting of a n*kkid lady I did for her decades ago. Bathrooms are the perfect place for this kind of thing.

    12. My mother was an artist. We had n*de paintings, pictures, sculptures, life size busts, sketches, etc all over our home. My 3 siblings and I all turned out okay. Hang your art with pride.

    13. OMG DO IT. Maybe I’m biased because I’m a huge Bernini fan girl, and I’d think you were a super cool chick having those up in your bathroom. Bernini is a true master that even non-artsy people would potentially recognize. In general… art is not risque. Marble statues are not titillating or inappropriate. You wouldn’t be embarrassed going to a museum with your grandmother, would you? (But you’d never look at p0rn with her, amirite?) I am an artist and I do nude figure drawing all the time- I don’t shy away from sharing those drawings.

    14. Good grief, I agree your friends are ridic.

      … says the woman who has a big semi-abstract painting of two nekkid ladies in my living roomm.

    15. I think they’re overreacting and you should go for it … unless you photographed them in a particularly suggestive way, which I guess you could’ve done inadvertently, but it seems pretty unlikely.

    16. I modeled for a sculpture class in college. (Great money! And no, I didn’t have anything close to a classically perfect figure.) I hope the people who took the class still display “me” with pride in their homes, and teach their children that the human body is a thing of beauty and wonder regardless of its proportions. :)

    17. Your friends are weird. Half of the world heritage sites and all of western art museums are full of art with naked people. Kids walk around Florence and Rome all the time (and have for millennia) without being scarred for life.

    18. My husband’s aunt has reproductions of Victorian paintings that show half-naked ladies and even – gasp – a man and a woman in bed together all over her bathrooms (they have like a 9000 sq ft house with 7? 8? bathrooms). She hosts family who are from all walks of life all the time (yes, with little kids) and NO ONE has said a word, even the bible belt relatives. The way I interpret this is – if you choose to come to my home, you accept my taste in decorations, among other things. Otherwise don’t come.

    20. I’ll be the lone dissenter. These types of statues are overwhelmingly women, and to that extent seem to objectify women by reducing them to their voluptuous shapes. I would maybe have both genders in equal states of nudity (fig leaf or drapey cloth etc.). I’m not sure why the standards as to male and female nudity are so different, can someone enlighten me? Not an art student obviously.

      1. I’m not sure that Bernini’s nudes are overwhelmingly women, to be fair to the artist.

        If I recall this all correctly, classical Greek sculpture portrayed men in the nude (which was associated with athleticism and heroism and not being a ridiculous, prudish, trousered barbarian), but women were portrayed clothed. Eventually the goddess Aphrodite becomes an exception. I don’t think women other than goddesses were portrayed nude in Western art until quite recently. The Hellenistic male nude is pretty darn voluptuous and at least equally objectified to my eye. Sexism and misogyny in the art world is definitely worth talking about, but classicizing sculpture is not where I would start.

        1. Bernini’s nudes are not overwhelming women! (And a lot of his sculptures are not nudes at all.) To the OP – were you at the Borghese’s Bernini exhibit? If so, the only sculpture that I would think is even moderately problematic is the R*pe of Prosperina ( a beautiful piece but the topic might be disturbing for some – although I suspect it would go over most children’ heads). I have never wanted to pet a sculpture as much as I did the ones at that exhibit (and obviously I kept my hands to myself).

          In fact, as pointed out above, classical and Renaissance full nudes are much more likely to be male than female. Compare for example Donatello’s David with his Judith. (I tried to find a Michelangelo example but I cannot think of any female sculpture of his other than Mary – and obviously she always has clothes on!)

    22. Lol. I have kids and guests over often, and we have drawings of nude figures hanging in our living room (not super realistic, but male anatomy and bare female bodies clearly visible). Your friend is weird.

  12. I posted a little while ago about starting a new job a few months ago and feeling right away like it wasn’t the right fit. I’ve been really unhappy since then. Things are not improving. Yesterday, I finally corrected my boss about how to pronounce my name. She’s been pronouncing it wrong since I first started (I should have said something earlier, I know). I laughed it off and told her it was no big deal. Today she pulls me into her office and told me off for being rude and disrespectful because she knows how to pronounce my name. I just sat there in shock, apologized profusely, and left. Wtf??

    Needless to say I’m looking for a new job.

    1. Wait, she said you were rude for correcting her pronunciation of your name! WTF only YOU know how to pronounce your name. This woman is renaming you now? Girl, good luck on the job search she sounds awful.

      1. Yes, gtfo.

        The “renaming” comment from “WTF” above struck me – is your boss a different ethnicity/background from you, and if so, are you a minority? Because that smacks of colonial BS and could potentially be an HR issue (assuming you don’t jump ship immediately).

    3. OMG this is insane. At that point I’d be looking around for hidden cameras because it has to be some crazy reality show and you’re being punked!

    5. She is crazy but clearly is very very embarrassed. Some people just channel it through anger. I just want you to know sometimes it is okay to quit without first finding a new job. Health is more expensive.

      1. Thank you for the kind comment. Unfortunately quitting isn’t an option financially. I’m really worried I’m going to be fired now. :(

    6. There discussions really surprise me. I am not made out of money but I would never use a drugstore moisturizer on my face.

      1. I’ve tried a lot of expensive moisturizers (money is not an issue) and actually prefer Olay. Whether something is sold at a drugstore or not seems like an arbitrary assessment of value: a lot of the cost difference for these things is in marketing, packaging, etc, more than ingredients. (And scent, a lot of the more expensive ones do smell nicer, but I prefer unscented for my face anyway).

      2. Then you are clearly not making your purchasing decisions based on science. Great skincare ingredients can be found in products of all price ranges. Terrible skincare ingredients can also be found in products of all price ranges. Ya gotta read the labels and know what each thing does for you and make an informed choice. CeraVe, for example, is a really well formulated drugstore line.

  13. What moisturizer does everyone use? I have really dehydrated, acne-prone skin that reacts really easily. My skin is dehydrated from the acne treatments. I use an AHA once a week–anything more than that and I break out. I also can’t use BHA’s. Right now I moisturize with Cerave lotion (not the stuff in the tub). Any recommendations?

    1. You might try Neutrogena Water Gel. My DH has similar issues and this one has made a big difference.

      1. I use neutrogena water gel and love it. In the winter I switch to the extra-dry formulation, which might be good for your skin if you feel like it’s dehydrated.

      2. I am acne-prone and prefer the gel moisturizer from Garnier over Neutrogena. Neutrogena makes me break out, Garnier doesn.

        I am also a huge fan of Ren ClearCalm lotion, which is specifically designed for acne prone, sensitive skin.

    2. I have similar skin and good ole Oil of Olay helps and does not accelerate my breakouts.

    3. I use t-retonin at night and Benzaclin during the day for my acne. It makes my skin dry and sometimes flaky (but clear!), and I’ve found that regular Aveeno SPF moisturizer during the day and Aquaphor (in the tub) at night works very well. The Aquaphor stuff has been life changing, and is so cheap.

    4. La Roche Posay Toleriane Fluide. Been using it for years at the recommendation of my dermatologist and I love it. Very light and not greasy.

    5. Neutrogena healthy defense sensitive skin SPF 50. And in the winter I layer on the Neutrogena hydro boost gel at night (no SPF).

    6. I have the same skin profile and really like the Dr. Jart+ Ceramidin cream at night (comes in a tube), and Stratia liquid gold in the mornings (under Biore Watery Essence sunscreen).

    7. I use the CeraVe in the tub, which I gather is more intense than the kind in the bottle. I also use Dr. Thayer’s rose petal toner before hyaluronic acid, which makes me skin much less dry (ymmv–some people find the witch hazel too astringent).

    8. Surprisingly, the Differin lotion (sold next to the acne med that is now OTC) is good. But I would only use it at night. My derm recommeded Avene Rich Compensating Cream (Creme?). Again, I’m not sure I’d use that during the day, either. But I use IT Cosmetics powder that can get greasy very easily with the wrong thing under it.

    9. Trader Joe’s Nourish Enriched Intensive Antioxidant Facial Moisturizer. They have several moisturizers, so make sure it’s this one. It’s $6-7 and is the best moisturizer I’ve ever tried – my face loves no moisturizer, expensive or cheap, like it does this one. My face is seriously dry/dehydrated, and I’ve tried dozens of moisturizers. I use only about a pea-sized amount every time I put it on my face, so the bottle will last forever. It does feel a bit greasy going on, but I think it’s worth it.

  14. Advice needed! So my husband works in Big Law…and I’m struggling. We met in law school 8 years ago. After graduation, we were long distance for a while, I worked at a boutique firm in DC and he worked Big Law in NYC. Then he moved down to DC, still works in Big Law, in a transactional practice and travels to NYC periodically. I’m in govt now. We are married with a house, with one toddler and second baby on the way. He is an 8th year associate, with partnership 1 or 2 years away…or not. In a way, I’m proud of him. He works so hard and has gained mastery of a difficult skill that is very valuable. Not many of our friends from law school are still in firms and on partnership track. I wouldn’t have expected this in law school when we started dating – he seemed kind of lazy and wasn’t the best student. I think what drives him is…he has a genuine interest in finance (reads the WSJ in his spare time) and his father is a successful partner in Big Law so he sees that it’s possible. But the hours – it’s hard for me not to feel resentful when he’s working every weekend and coming home at 3 or 4 am during the deals, when he just has to respond to his blackberry to every single ping. Like this is not a choice. If he doesn’t respond, this partner calls him right away. He’s looked around for other jobs, but in the legal field when you are so specialized it’s actually pretty hard. We have support – kid is in daycare with a sitter who picks him up half the week. My parents are in the area and come over to help A LOT. But sometimes I think to myself…if I wanted to live in a big house with my parents, I wouldn’t have gotten married. I would have just moved back home! Obviously there are great things about my husband that made me marry him but it’s hard to hold on to that when his work is so overwhelming. At the same time, maybe this problem will solve itself – like he won’t make partner and our lives will be very different 2 years from now. I guess my question is for those who are married long-term to partners with those long hours in high demanding careers (or have such a job yourself). It’s inevitable that this will put a strain on the marriage and the closeness of the relationship, right? Or not?

    1. It will put a strain on the marriage and the relationship if you all aren’t on the same page about it. There are lots of people who make marriage work in these circumstances, but that’s because they’re both on board with the sacrifices involved and believe they’re worthwhile. Have you talked to your husband about this? Is he happy with his current work/life situation? Does he want to make partner? How does he respond when you express these concerns?

    2. Two things jump out here:

      1) “if I wanted to live in a big house with my parents, I wouldn’t have gotten married. I would have just moved back home!” Wow. I’m not blaming you for saying that, but it shows how the relationship has deteriorated.

      2) It sounds like you’re hoping he doesn’t make partner. Does he know you feel this way? I know you say there are no other jobs for him, but is there anything in another field or in academia that might work with his skills?

    3. I don’t think it’s inevitable if you don’t want it to be. You’ve got a lot going on, so that just means you have to also make your relationship a priority. You both need to be invested in it. There are a thousand tricks you can do, but you need to figure out what works best for the two of you. My husband and I both work intense jobs and we’ve found the calendar is our friend. We schedule time to be together and make sure we plan for that. We also have a no interruptions dinner every night (even if it’s only 15 minutes) where the phones, etc don’t come out. Not everything will work for everyone, but you should talk to your husband and figure out how to make your relationship a priority.

      1. Yeah, there are a million hacks people use to make relationships like this work, including the ones Scarlett points out, but you first need to get on the same page in terms of the overall state of the relationship. If he’s generally fine with how things are going, then there are some bigger conversations you need to have. And if he’s not fine but is stuck because he hasn’t yet found another job, that’s yet another situation and requires a different solution.

    4. Best advice I’ve seen around here on this is that making partner is like winning a pie eating contest where the prize is more pie. Is this the life he wants? Does he want to be a BigLaw partner? Are you okay with that? It’s not wrong to stay that it is not a sustainable lifestyle for your family. If he’s thinking about moving, jump before he’s pushed in case he doesn’t make partner. And the push for partnership means it will likely get harder not easier over the next couple of years.

    5. He could just be a workaholic, which means that no job will make your life better.

      My sister was married to a guy like this. Work all the time (medical field; overcompensating for not the most stellar academic record and failing his boards a few times), no time for her or kids (somehow had time for lots of college football and a girlfriend though).

      My friends who have left DC transactional biglaw are all at the SEC/Treasury or Fannie/Freddie and LOVE it. Much more balance (they are inclined to be balanced people though).

    6. I think you’re asking the wrong question.
      Your question right now, “Will my relationship continue to be strained if my husband/father of our children makes partner in 2 years?”
      Obviously, you know… it will be strained if he does not make partner in 2 years.
      And… also obviously, your relationship sounds strained RIGHT NOW.

      The question TO YOURSELF should be, what am I going to do about it?

    7. Second everyone who’s saying you really need to talk with him and get on the same page about what you both want. If you are hoping he doesn’t make partner but he’s gunning for it and oblivious to your concerns, that’s a slow motion train crash already happening. I love my big law job but it’s only possible because my husband is on board and makes a lot of sacrifices– and we still struggle, with no kids yet. If he’s not nurturing your relationship (and his relationship with your kids!), that is not sustainable.

      Also consider when you talk– where does YOUR career fit in this? Are you getting the support in your own career that you need from him?

    8. I think it’s helpful to go to couples counseling so you can articulate what each of you is seeking from your partner, and you can both discuss how to meet those needs. I am in the reverse situation- I am in big law and my husband was you. We started going to couples counseling 4 years ago, and it really helped. Even though we were already talking about these issues, it helped us to have a counselor there. I recognized that I needed to be better about setting boundaries and having dedicated time where I was present with him. And he needed to accept that my job was important to me and not a rejection of him or of a life together. Our weekly session helped us stay accountable. Once we felt better about the situation, we could discuss ‘fixes,’ which are personal for every relationship. I just made equity partner and I was so thankful that we put in the work because we were both genuinely excited when it happened. I wouldn’t have expected that even 2 years ago.

    9. I don’t disagree with others that you should talk to your husband about how you’re feeling and how Biglaw fits into your life plan. BUT I’d also suggest you cut yourself and your husband some slack — you have a toddler and a baby on the way plus two demanding full time jobs — this is not the time in your life when you are going to have a picture perfect, easy marriage. I’m on the other side now, with two elementary aged kids, and my husband and I – and all of our friends with similarly aged kids – are so much happier!

    10. I am a 6th year Big Law associate, on track for partner, with a new baby. My husband recently became a SAHD and that is the only reason our life works. I couldn’t work the hours I do (and to be fair, my hours are not as bad as your husband’s) without his full support. He even got me an apple watch as a going back to work present so I could less obtrusively check my work email constantly when hanging out at home with him and the baby. So, unless you are 100% on board with the demands his job places (which it sounds like you’re not) I would strongly suggest counseling to talk about priorities together. I do a lot of boundary-setting at work (and a lot of managing up so that my late nights are midnight, not 3-4 am), but my husband is what really makes it work for us.

    11. I haven’t read all of the responses but since you mentioned he’s an 8th year and in a specialized area of law, just wanted to pass along some anecdata – I have recently had several friends leaving BigLaw as 8th years and I was pleasantly surprised that they all landed in great jobs. Some in house, some in gov’t. I always thought that the traditional advice was to leave as a 5th year before you get too expensive/niched but these friends all had no problem finding something great. Just wanted to give you and your husband encouragement, in case he wants to make a move.

  15. TJ – An ex, who I hadn’t spoken to since we broke up 4 years ago, called me Friday to catch up. We had, imo, a pretty bad relationship with some emotional abuse and I was very happy to have parted ways. I am now very happily married to someone else. I didn’t recognize the number, so answered the call, but was rushing to a train so kept it very brief. He said he’d like to get together for coffee and he’d text me. I said ok because I was so caught off guard. He has now texted to schedule.

    I have no desire to see him or catch up. At best its a waste of my limited time with someone I don’t like and at worst who knows what he’ll say to try to hurt me? Can the hive help me craft a response to politely say no (politely to avoid his anger) without leaving the door open for further contact? TIA!

    1. “No thanks. I thought about it and while I wish you well I am not interested in reconnecting.”

      4. Fourthing.

        He wants to reconnect to make himself feel better about how he was a $hitbag to you. This benefits you in zero ways, as you already know.

      2. Block. Block him like (I’m certain there’s a sports metaphor here). Don’t think about it again. He’s not worth your time or thought. You have zero obligation to make things right or bury the hatchet or anything of the sort.

    3. Something like, “I do not think we should meet or speak further.” or “On second thought, I do not think we should meet or speak further.” Also, does it matter if he is angry? Because you can’t control that. If there’s some risk that he could do something to you, that might be another issue.

  16. I have a free day in LA in a couple of weeks – any recommendations? I’m staying with a friend in Hollywood, so I’ll be starting there, but I will have a car. I’ve done/am not interested in the Hollywood tourist stuff, so I’m looking for other ideas (especially food recommendations). Don’t mind driving a bit. Thanks!

    2. Check out the blog Actor’s Diet – she has tons of foodie suggestions I think in that area

    4. Pasadena! Norton Simon, Huntington, Old Town (some independent places left), Playhouse District…

  17. Any gardeners on here? I mean actual gardening, not “garden parties” :) The Black Eyed Susans (I think they’re the Rudbeckia Hirta variety) I planted last year are coming back up since the weather’s been warming up, but we’re getting hit with ice and snow today in the Mid-Atlantic (I’m zone 7a). Should I protect them somehow? I think it’s a generally hardy plant, but it’s just small leaves that have broken through the soil so far.

    1. It’s probably hardy to Zone 3 or 4, so it’ll overall be fine. The plants may have to start over in making new leaves and/or leaf development may be delayed, but they have stored nutrients to help do that.

      If you want to protect them, you certainly can, but you don’t need to. If you do protect them, remember to remove the cover as soon as the weather clears up. Suffocated plants are not happy plants.

    2. I’d post this question on a gardening board. Try City-Data, gardening sub-group. Or Reddit, if the have a subgroup.

    3. I don’t know about them specifically, but if there is a late freeze, people often put buckets over their plants.

  18. Shopping help?

    I am looking for a dress to wear for Easter Sunday and then also to a daytime church wedding four weeks later. I will be six months pregnant. Size 10ish. I just have no inspiration for this.

    1. Look at the Isabella Oliver Ivybridge dress or Leila dress. I bought one in my second trimester and wore it to five (more?) “events” over the next few months. You can change it up with shoes, jewelry, etc.

    2. How pretty is this?!
      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/a-pea-in-the-pod-maternity-watercolor-print-maxi-dress?ID=4810591&CategoryID=66718

      I found dresses like this super practical, and wore them postpartum as well.
      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/motherhood-maternity-printed-a-line-dress?ID=5357505&CategoryID=66718#
      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/a-pea-in-the-pod-maternity-printed-wrap-dress?ID=6032995&CategoryID=66718#

      This is lovely too:
      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/motherhood-maternity-lace-fit-flare-dress?ID=4506605&CategoryID=66718

      1. I bought and returned the “printed A Line Dress” linked above. In person, the print was a little . . . gynecological?

  19. I’m early in my career and have started the process of acquiring business cards at various meetings/networking events. They currently all live in a box that I always assumed I’d deal with later. Before it gets out of control, what are you preferred ways to control and extract I fro from business cards? Any best practices I should institute now?

    1. When I left one job I downloaded a scanner app that put them all into a csv file to upload into Outlook contacts. I think it was business card scanner pro but I’m sure there are others. I’ve been at my current gig for 5 years and I just have three piles in a drawer – clients, prospective clients/community contacts, and wholesalers/industry reps.

    2. I try and write on the card, in the prescense of the giver of the card if possible, how we met, at what event, and date the card.
      Then next moment at my laptop I enter in the information, and put the event and date in the notes of the contact section. I send a thank you, nice to meet you, with my linkedin link at the bottom of the email.

      I’m not the best at follow-ing up and follow-ing through but these are pretty basic to me.

      1. Would you share the logic of doing it front of the person whose card it is? My initial thought is that they might find it rude – “wow, you don’t think you’ll remember me?”

        1. Obviously you don’t do it right in front of them. I wait until we are apart and they write down the details.

          1. Ok that makes more sense – I read “in the presence of the giver of the card” and got confused. Thanks for clarifying.

        2. honestly, when I do take notes on the card in front of the giver, people have told me that’s a great idea, and that they “should” do it, too. YMMV.

          My industry is quite casual, not formal law or finance or Japanese industries or anything like that (I recall hearing about Japenese rituals about business cards, not sure if that is still valid)

    3. If someone gives me their card, I “friend” them on LinkedIn and then throw away their card. The chances that I’m going to need someone’s work address or fax number or whatever are just about nil, so I don’t bother entering into Outlook.

      If they’re not on LinkedIn, that’s their problem.

      1. +1. I have 2 coworkers who REFUSE to be on LinkedIn because they think they are in-house and don’t need to network. Uh hello, this job may not be forever and you’ll wish you had some contacts or recruiter messages even if you ignore them all right now.

    4. Honestly, I throw them all away. If I really want to “connect” with them, I’ll do it via Linked In. If they’ve already emailed me, I have their info in my email. If they haven’t ever emailed me, I probably do not want to ever contact them.

  20. My new firm has a 401(k) matching program, or at least something like it. We are to open a “Simple IRA” and employer provides a matching contribution up to a certain percent. The thing is, I already have a Roth IRA with a different brokerage firm, and I like it a lot. I also have my other savings accounts with that firm. I don’t want to give up this matching benefit, but I also don’t want to close my existing Roth. Do I just have two IRAs? Is that allowed? I would prefer to consolidate my savings and retirement fund with one firm, but I’ll have two if I have to I suppose. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

    My previous job’s retirement plan was a 457 and a pension, so this is matching thing is somewhat new to me.

      1. Ditto – you can have both a personal Roth IRA and the Simple IRA. You can have a many IRAs are you want :) – lots of accounts means lots to track, though, so I wouldn’t go crazy. But 2 is fine.

    3. Yes, 2 accounts. I used to max out my Roth IRA contribution and put just enough into my company 401K to get the match.

    4. Yes, you can have two IRAs, but there is one total limit ($5,500) for the two accounts. So if you put $2k in your Roth you can only put $3.5k in your simple.

  21. Does anyone else have a super introverted partner? My DH is not outgoing in group settings, avoids cocktail hours and crowds like the plague, and generally doesn’t place high value on making adult friends. (From my perspective, this last one is due to discomfort > friendships; he has close friends out of state that he still talks to from childhood.) He really pushes to leave the theater right after the performance is over, for example, and doesn’t like making small talk or mingling. I’m an extrovert, and I’d like to make more friends by chatting with casual acquaintances at events. I think our lives would be fuller if we had adult, couple friends, but it’s very difficult to establish and nurture friendships when we don’t give ourselves the opportunity. (Our friend group right now is pretty limited to our suburban neighbors and kid’s parents, with whom we don’t have a ton in common.)

    TL;DR – how do you make couple friends when one of you is an extrovert and one of you is an introvert?

    1. You don’t push couple friends on an introvert. You knew this when you married him, right? This is who he is. You socialize separately.

      2. I guess I should have been said this first – he wants to have couples friends, too. He’s only lived in our town for about 2 years permanently (working LD for a number of years), so he left behind a number of relationships in his former town and it’s been tough making new ones. Not forcing him to make friends, just looking for suggestions on ways to make grown up friends that both of us can do.

        1. There’s a difference between what people SAY they want to do and what people ACTUALLY want to do. When people want to do something, they make it happen. This isn’t some strange mental block for him that he just can’t do something he really really wants to do and if only you do and say precisely the right things you’ll get through to him and he’ll be so happy! He doesn’t want to make friends. Accept it and focus your efforts on making your own friends. If he wants to join great but stop spinning your wheels trying to fix him.

          1. This. I WANT to have a healthier diet and that’s what I tell people who ask, but really, I’m perfectly content to eat fast food and don’t want your judgment.

      3. I don’t agree with this at all. Being an introvert doesn’t mean he doesn’t want friends!

    2. My husband is an introvert. It took me a long time to understand this but… he also is shy, and he also has social anxiety at events. I am an extrovert. I used to end up hanging out with him a lot at social events, or trying to encourage him to talk or make friends. Then he had a midlife crisis, got diagnosed, yadayada blah blah blah… end result… I really try and forget about him at parties that he wants to go to or that we both feel obligated to attend. If it’s a couples thing where people hang out as couples all night, like a smaller dinner party, that’s one thing, but otherwise, at he big party, if he wants to hang out by the food and checking out wall decorations and follow me like a puppy all night — whatever! I’m there to have fun and talk with people and not be mean to him, of course, but I really don’t give a fig if he’s comfortable or not. Nothing I do or don’t do at this point will make him more or less comfortable. That’s on him.

    3. My husband is one of those paradoxical introverts in that he gets up on stage and performs in front of people as a musician, but going to a party and making small talk is his idea of hell on earth.

      He also has just two close friends, both from his teen years (they were in a band together) and once when they were visiting my husband disappeared and I found him upstairs in our bedroom watching TV. Um, no, these are YOUR friends, get your butt downstairs. But I tell this anecdote just to demonstrate how introverted he really is.

      So we don’t really have couple friends. We’ve beeen married for 18 years, together for longer, and it’s just not a huge problem. I have a ton of girlfriends and guy friends and I almost always hang out with them sans husband.

      My husband sounds awful but he’s not. When people meet him they really like him. He just dreads social outings and would honestly rather not go.

      For this reason I gave up on “couple” dinner parties a long time ago, although I will have my friends over from time to time, and I’m not surprised when my husband excuses himself after dinner and retreats upstairs.

      1. Being an introvert is no excuse for being rude though. My husband is an introvert and would never think to excuse himself after dinner when guests are over. That’s just terrible manners. My dad did the same and it drove me crazy. I finally called him out on it and he stopped .

        1. It sounds like her husband retreats when HER friends are over for dinner. She might even prefer it that way. If I go visit a girlfriend, I don’t expect to evict her husband. He will usually eat with us. But if we want some girl talk time after, I appreciate when he retreats to a different part of the house. My husband does the same when my girlfriends are over. If it were couple friends that were over, that’s different.

          I’m also like the musician husband here. I love public speaking and talking in meetings and court but I hate going to an event and making small talk with strangers. Once I get into a conversation I’m fine but I hate initiating it and knowing when to end it and move on to other strangers.

        2. I’m the Anon with the musician husband. I do get somewhat annoyed when my husband retreats to his corner but it’s kind of a price of admission thing and I’m tired of bickering with him about it. So that’s why I included the example of him retreating on his own friends. That was absolutely not ok.

          My husband knows it annoys me so sometimes he’ll be super sweet and come back downstairs and ask my girlfriends and me if we need more wine or a cocktail or anything and will kind of serve us. Occasionally will have one himself and join us, but that is the exception rather than the rule.

    4. You don’t? You acknowledge that he doesn’t want to make friends. So take him at his word and don’t try to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do. You can go make friends on your own. I’m so confused why you think you need to have couple friends.

      1. I don’t know. Not wanting friends and having a hard time making them are not the same thing. It sounds to me like the ways OP is used to making friends are stressful for her husband. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want couple friends! Socializing with friends is completely different than hanging out making small talk with strangers.

    5. My husband is a bit introverted and I am decidedly not. We have found that one thing that works well for him is smaller interactions rather than big parties so he can chat with 2-3 people in more detail rather than making small talk. This most often involves us having one or two couples over to our house for dinner which fulfills my need to entertain and be a social hostess and his need for a more intimate setting.

    6. Okay, I think folks are being a little harsh here. I don’t have that much advice, because I am the introvert in my relationship, but here’s my perspective. Like your husband, I like having friends, but I find small talk with strangers pretty stressful – I just literally never know what to say. I’ve gotten better at doing it when required, but as a result, if I don’t *have* to make small talk, I won’t, because I find it so tiring. So chatting with strangers after a performance would be pretty uncomfortable for me and I wouldn’t be thinking “here’s a way to meet new people and make friends!” I’d be thinking “um, can we leave now? how about now?”

      Having said that! I am MUCH more comfortable meeting new people or making friends if I have a sort of task to do while I’m doing it. I love running groups where you can sort of chat with somebody randomly while running and then fade out if your pace changes, talking with the regulars at my workout class, volunteering, or doing a workshop on a random skill. So I guess what I’m saying is, it’s probably not realistic for him to “make more friends by chatting with casual acquaintances at events” but if you talk to him about any hobbies or activities he might be interested in, that could be a way for you to make new friends together.

      1. Yes this! Also is chatting up strangers after a theatre performance even effective? Is there instead a Young Friends Of group you can join? A way to volunteer?

    7. Does he cook? Can he cook? Can he learn to cook? My husband is the cook and that means I get way more facetime when we have couples (or anyone really) over for dinner, which suits both of us! :)

    8. Wow, why so harsh people? I relate a lot to your post. I’m an extrovert, DH is an introvert and he gets super annoyed when I strike up conversations with strangers or others on vacation or while out and about. His notion is that if we are never seeing these people again, why bother conversing? But I get a huge high from making friends and getting to know new people.

      In terms of building friends though, I have had good luck inviting couples over for dinner at home or meeting up for brunch. My husband likes people and is an excellent conversationalist, and if he likes the person he generally will enjoy hanging out with them. I would just keep the group small (like one other couple).

      Also, I also socialize separately. I have a standing dinner with girlfriends once a month and I make sure to have lunch plans with friends at least twice a week.

      1. Wow – that is awful your husband treats ou hat way in public. If you are not forcing him to talk with strangers, he should not be trying to control you by not allowing you to. Especially if doing this makes you so happy.

        I’m all for socializing alone, couples dinners with people he likes to accommodate him. But that first thing is out of line.

        1. He’s not acting any particular annoyed way in public, he just will later tell me that he doesn’t know why I chat with strangers. I actually took one of those Strength Finders test (anyone else take it?) and my number one trait is that I’m a “wooer” which means that I really enjoy getting to know new people. When I showed the results to my husband, I think he finally got it. Believe me, he’s not stopping me from chatting up people. :)

          1. That WOO–“winning others over” trait–is one of my top 5, too. My introverted husband is so perplexed, as it’s nowhere near his top!

    9. I have the same hangups as your husband. My husband is more extroverted although still won’t strike up a conversation with a stranger. What he once did was invite his good friend and his family to visit our town. We took two cars on a trip and they wanted to ride together, sticking me in the car with friend’s wife and kids (whom I BARELY knew and never really spoke to before). While I thought this was pretty cruel at the time and was very upset initially, the forced proximity worked and we found points of connection. I am not best friends with her by any means now but we’ve since visited them in their town and hung out at their home and it felt comfortable enough for me. Just an idea. I was still mad at my husband afterwards but don’t have lasting trauma or anything.

    10. You need an activity to distract from the conversation parts of the evening he’s inevitably dreading. Board game night? Something outdoorsy?

    11. This is a totally reasonable question and I have no idea why you’re catching so much snark. Apparently you’re today’s victim.

      I’m also an introvert, and I struggle with small talk with strangers but really enjoy getting to know people in smaller group settings. Maybe you can focus on making friends yourself and then invite a new friend and his/her significant other over for a small dinner type evening?

      1. Well, she’s not just asking how to make friends, but how to make *couple* friends, which just seems needlessly limiting. Let her husband be!

      2. Thanks, yes, certainly feels that way. I think some people view marriages as two people who are married and do things separately, which is fine for them, but it’s not for me. (And maybe stops being a thing once you have kids and your free time is more limited? IDK.)

        I think the solution is multi-fold: stop wishing he’d make friends the same way I do, start finding small group settings where we both thrive, and identify vocalize what I need, and expect my partner, a reasonable considerate person, to meet me halfway. And go get solo drinks w/ girlfriends more often!

        1. That’s great that it’s not your expectation, but you should ask your husband if it’s *his* expectation too.

    12. Without chiming in on the introvert/extrovert pieces (we take turns being the more introverted one), my husband and I have had the best luck making couple friends by inviting people over for dinner or lunch on weekends. That’s how we have turned casual acquaintances into friends.

  22. My coworker seems to be one of those people who is just so stressed all the time. We are working on a project together and she will open the conversation with “I’m freaking out” or “guys, I’m SO stressed…” even though it’s an easy, short, and clear assignment. We seem to spend half of our group meetings trying to get her to calm down and she doesn’t seem to notice that no one else is freaking out with her. Is there a polite way to tell someone to chill TF out because it’s annoying and counterproductive to spend all our time talking her off the ledge for basic assignments?

    1. I’d stop trying to reassure her.

      In the moment – “Yes, we know. You’ve said that. Can we focus on project now?”
      1:1 (TOTALLY optional) “You seem disproportionately stressed about this given that’s a pretty easy, clear assignment. What’s going on?”

    2. Some people are just high strung, so I don’t know if there’s a way to fully get her to stop worrying.

      But there may be some meeting management you can do to keep things on track. Like, when she starts in on being stressed, you could say (in a friendly way), “Okay, let’s talk through our immediate next steps, that might cover some of your worries, and then we can tackle anything else that’s still on your mind.”

      Or, periodically throughout the meeting, say “Hortense, I know you were worried – anything that was on your mind that we’re missing about this topic?”

      You might keep yourself from going crazy by thinking of her stress as positive energy (she wants to do a good job!) that needs to be channeled.

      1. Or, if you want to be a little less accommodating, just being more insistent about sticking to a timed agenda for the meeting: “I know everyone’s got a lot of thoughts and concerns about this; let’s just work through the agenda topics. Hortense, if there are particular topics you really want us to cover, please remember to add it to the agenda before the meeting. Okay, we’ve got five minutes for the first topic.”

        1. These are good tips, but I feel a little awkward trying to lead the meeting when she and I are at the same level and we’re officially collaborating on this (it’s not me directing her on something). I guess seizing control of the meeting is better than letting it get totally out of control with non-stop panic, though.

          1. I think you could find a way to establish order without fully seizing control of the meeting – like, “Hey, I’d really feel better about these meetings if we had an agenda – what if I put a template on the shared drive and everyone contributed topics before each meeting, or we all decide on an agenda at the beginning of each meeting?”

            Or, if they’re 1:1 meetings, saying, “Hey, let’s each start bringing a list of things we want to talk about so we can make sure everything’s covered. I feel like our meetings are a little freeform right now and I worry that we’ll miss stuff.” or something like that.

    3. It completely depends on your relationship with this person, but I dealt with this with a coworker-friend by making jokes about it. Won’t work for everyone but it did in my situation.

    4. Something to the effect of “you seem to be having a lot of difficulty with your assignments lately. Is everything ok? Should we reassign the task to someone else?” might make her realize that you all see her as incompetent rather than interesting and quiet her down.

  23. Sorry, I thought your question was different. We really don’t have a lot of couple friends at the moment. We had a great time with a girlfriend of mine and her husband and they came over to our house with the kids and we had, like, hot dogs and baked potatoes and it finally gave my husband and her husband a chance to talk 1-on-1 that they hadn’t done at, like, big backyard parties or whatever. Not sure if that helps.

  24. Does anyone have advice for fundraiser planning for a small non-profit? My friend reached out to me because the non-profit she volunteers for — which has a great mission — is really struggling financially. They’ve done small flower sales, etc., but they need to do something bigger (IMO) like a charity dinner or athletic event that has the potential to attract business sponsors. I want to help but I’m not sure where to start. Any pointers would be much appreciated!

    1. Oof. This is a big undertaking. They should probably get professional help with this, unless there is a lot of experience in the board doing this kind of thing.

      1. Ack, I accidentally posted below. Any idea how you go about seeking professional help with something like this? It’s a midsize to smaller city so it isn’t like DC where there are lots of nonprofits consultants running around. I’m not aware of anyone who handles this kind of thing as a career – the fundraisers in our area always seem to be run by volunteers.

        2. There probably are a good handful of non-profit consultants, but unfortunately they charge for their time. Your friend may have better luck with a heartfelt letter-type of campaign. She could even volunteer to write it and sign it, and give names of friends that might receive it warmly. Events are a huge drain on resources and for a non-profit that’s already struggling, they’d be putting lots of staff time and capital at risk.

        3. Is this nonprofit entirely run by volunteers? If not your friend should be talking to the staff about their plans, not trying to start her own rescue mission. Events tend to be very labor intensive and are not always the best way to make money. Even if it is volunteer run, she should talk to the Board or other leaders. To find a consultant, look to a professional association, such as the Association of Fundraising Professionals, and see if there are local members. Also, google for “Development Consultants” – in the nonprofit world development = fundraising. Ask other local nonprofits who they have worked with. Nonprofits raise money not just through events, so unless the local nonprofits are entirely volunteer-run they should have some people who do fundraising/development as their job.

    2. Definitely make sure she is talking to the staff. They are the pros and, like others have said, events are very labor intensive and costly.

      If there isn’t a staff, how much do they need to raise?

      In addition to checking out the local AFP, see if there is a non-profit degree program or public administration program at a nearby university. They might be able to find an intern to help.

      Also, is there a community-wide giving day? These are usually run through local community foundations but I have seen some very small nonprofits raise good money this way.

  25. Professional help from who? I don’t know that they’re opposed to doing that, but I wouldn’t even know who to call. It’s a mid-size to smaller city so it’s not like DC where there are tons on nonprofit consultants.

  26. I have a conference in Austin in a week and I am terrified of the random bombings. Everything is refundable except the registration fee. Is there a way to tell my bosses I no longer want to go? I don’t have any role there, just networking.

      1. These armchair therapist posts are probably not helpful. OP, if you don’t feel safe going and you don’t have an important role there, then that’s your decision.

        1. I think her mostly likely irrational fear is going to make everyone think differently about her at work, not in a positive way. If a coworker did this I would assume that they were having lots of anxiety issues.

          1. This really puts a lot of shame on mental health issues. If your coworker was having a lot of stomach issues, would you think differently of her and not in a positive way? I’d like to see us get to a point as a society where someone can say “I have anxiety” the same way they would say “I have diabetes.”

          2. I wouldn’t think this, but people absolutely will wonder about her judgement. There’s a line where anxiety can start impacting your life negatively and you want to make sure it’s addressed medically rather than bowing out of things. But for all anyone knows, the Op is at some sort of package handling conference that could be a target.

        1. I had heard a news report saying the most recent victims were targeted because they had a name similar to a prominent black family.

          Anyways, there is speculation that the bombings were not getting as much national news coverage because the first few victims were people of color however I think now that there is more of a pattern of behavior, there is more coverage.

      2. Is that why I have seen ZERO media coverage of this and had to google to find out what she was talking about?

        1. That’s strange, my podunk local paper is covering it and it’s been on NPR for days.

        2. I dunno–what news do you usually follow? It’s been on the Washington Post for a while.

    3. My fear is not completely irrational because the bombings are random and the method and location continues to change. I recognize the percent chance of being affected is small, but I have the same chance as anyone else in that general place at that general time.

      Back to the original question – how would you tell boss?

      1. I think you just need to own it and tell your boss that you are concerned about your safety and don’t want to go anymore. And be prepared that your boss may think this fear is irrational (I’m not saying it is, just saying your boss might think it is) and your boss might think of you differently going forward.

      2. If you really must go this route, I would emphasize safety – that the bomber is getting more bold and branching out, that they may go for mass transit next. I would coach this as a conversation, as in “do you still think it’s a good idea for me to go, despite the recent terrorist attacks?” If you take this method, you should still be open to going though. If you’re totally closed to going, I would emphasize safety more and not take that particular route.

        That said, I don’t think this is a good idea. I think your boss might see you as flighty and reactive, which are poor traits if you’re going for a senior position or management. So far, all the attacks have been in residential neighborhoods, so the likelihood that you’ll die just driving around Austin is probably way higher than the likelihood that you’ll die in a totally different unrelated area of town. Hotels and conference centers tend to be across town from neighborhoods.

      3. Is there maybe a way to mitigate the fear? I’m not really following it closely, but it seems like all of the victims were either handling packages at a FedEx facility or were receiving packages. Maybe you could avoid package facilities, not accept any packages that are mailed to use, use your do not disturb sign, if you see a large pile of packages walk away, and whatever else makes sense to avoid the threat?

Comments are closed.