ByKat Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s TPS Report: Long-Sleeve Crocodile Embossed Blouse

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Vince Long-Sleeve Crocodile Embossed BlouseThis crocodile embossed blouse from Vince won't be everyone's cup of tea, but I like it — the embossed crocodile gives it texture and a bit of a print, while the relaxed silhouette and shirttail hem keep it modern. I'd wear it on a casual day with ankle pants and flats, with delicate jewelry. It's available in navy and gray for $325. Vince Long-Sleeve Crocodile Embossed Blouse This silk blouse from Trouvé is similar but more affordable; here's a plus-size henley and a pretty plus-size blouse with some texture. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

146 Comments

    1. Yes, I agree, Kat. Your teck guy’s must have done something overnight to clean up all of the excess web-load’s that were backing up this PAGE. FOOEY on backing up web-load’s. Our teck guy does nothing but remove cookie’s from our computer’s but ONLEY fixes the manageing partner’s computer. He also does a lousy job of keeping our websight up to par, especialy when I ask him to load my cleint memo’s! FOOEY on him. he realy is Not good for anything more then stareing at us with a dumm look on his face.

      And yes, I also like the crocodile blouse. Is this Vince Camuto or just Vince now? It is probabley NOT for me at work b/c it does not look great with a skirt, but Kudo’s to the women who can wear it. My probelem is that loose fitting blouse’s kind of hang on my tuchus, and that is NOT what I want to have men lookeing at.

      I again thank the OP’s for there insight. yes, I DO want to get MARRIED ASAP, but to the right guy. I will NOT settle for just any schlub — god knows there are enough of them around looking to Marry me and take over my bankeing account like Sheketovits. But I want a guy with his OWN finance’s, so that if I give him my bankeing account, he will NOT drain it for wine and alchohol. FOOEY! Why do I ONLEY attract men who drink and who want me to take off my clotheing? Where are the guy’s who want to understand that I have a brain between my ear’s? DOUBEL FOOEY on this. Now that I am a partner, I am getting a REAL head for busness, so I hope I can parlay that into a releationship. YAY!!!

    3. I really like it in the navy as well. Can’t imagine wearing anything with sleeves right now though.

      1. Yeah, I would love this top in navy with cap sleeves. Actually, that’s precisely what I’m looking for to fill in a wardrobe gap.

  2. I don’t know if there is anything to be done about this, but: my MIL is a hoarder. I have only been to her house a couple of times (for various reasons, she and my husband are not close) and it was appalling. I literally do not know where she sleeps. Worse, she doesn’t just hoard magazines or knick-knacks – she hoards food. As in, no matter how old it is, she refuses to throw it away. She will eat food (meat, vegetables) that is months old. Her fridge and freezer will barely close.

    It has become particularly concerning to me on this trip (she is staying with us for a few days) because it seems to be getting worse. For example, she has started hoarding in our house – we find things stuffed in drawers, squeezed in on shelves, under beds. Our closets are now packed full with things she has brought and intends to leave. My husband has confronted her about it on numerous occasions, and she is completely in denial. Now, since she knows that he will shut it down, she waits until she and I are alone and tries to foist it on me.

    I don’t know what we can do, but I’m honestly concerned for her safety. For example (and I’m hearing this from her, so not sure if it is entirely accurate) she told us that no insurance company will insure her house. We’ve considered hiring a company to go down to her house (she lives across the county from us) and completely clean it out, but I know that will probably result in an absolute meltdown. She gets very upset when we try to throw things away in our own house and will actually try and physically yank things from us. If we do throw it away, we’ll find out later that she pulled it out of the trash can after we left (including food). She clearly has mental issues, but is in denial about it. I’m just not sure what to do and was hoping someone may have dealt with this issue before.

    1. Call the county where she lives (either their mental health dept or aging department). They can tell you what services they can provide and legal action they can take. This may result in her being placed in a home if her house is unsafe. Depending on how old she is, there may be nothing you can do that will modify the behavior, but it wouldn’t hurt to also get her to a neurologist or a geriatric psychiatrist.

    2. First, I’m so sorry that this is something you’re going through.

      My experience is different, but here is the Cliff Notes version. Wife has significant hoarding tendencies. Husband became disabled. Home was not large enough to hold all the items that Wife ‘needed’ to keep and safety and health were becoming at risk as Husband became more and more mobility limited. Wife was hospitalized and basically, my husband, myself and another family friend had to go down and make the house safe, as organized as possible, and accessible for two disabled individuals. We were very respectful of all of her things and went out and purchased industrial shelves to store all her ‘treasures’ in an organized fashion in the basement. There were spreadsheets and directories and color coded charts. This was done in 3 18 to 20 hour days of nonstop work. Anything that was thrown out were items that no person of sound mind could call anything but trash.

      This turned me into Satan and basically limited my ability to assist as she no longer had any level of trust for me. I don’t regret this at all, as it absolutely had to be done; however, realize that this reaction is incredibly common. I have learned that what I did was akin to total betrayal- even though the choice was what we did or having Adult Protective Services come in.

      Decide if you’re okay being the bad guy. I’d suggest you speak with a therapist who has experience with OCD/Hoarding issues and also potentially reach out to a Geriatric Social worker (a good one is worth their weight in gold). Decide if you are willing to get APS involved and decide how you want to react when she begins to hoard in your presence.

      This is hard and any time I tried to speak logically and calmly to Wife, I literally felt like I was speaking in Swedish to her. The things that she was saying were not rational, but from my knowledge before hand and my reading since, this is not unusual. Good luck!

    3. Is your mother in law willing to “share” or give away some of her treasures? Does she want to see the things she has left your house or can you now get rid of them? My best friend’s mother is a hoarder and when she tries to do some cleaning out, she’ll say things like “JLAC would love a box of used gift bows from 1975” and her mother will suggest they be given to me as a gift. Then on the way out of the apartment building, everything will get thown out.

    4. I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this. This is a problem that requires psychiatric help. Hiring someone to go clean it out will not help anything in my experience.

      Unfortunately, I have direct experience with this. Everything you wrote could be a description of my mother. Over the years family members have tried to help by getting it cleaned out. It has never once worked and always results in a huge meltdown. At one point, my grandparents rented a dumpster to try and help her clean out before she moved. They would throw stuff in the dumpster and she would go out in the middle of the night to pull it all out. Ultimately, she wound up moving all of it to her new house. This problem has been going on for decades and has only gotten worse.

      In my case, my mother refused to get psychiatric help or when she did would never stick with it. She has multiple other mental issues that make it all worse and I actually had to cut her out of my life years ago for my own mental health. As Anon for this said, there is no logic here. You can’t solve the problem of the stuff without solving the underlying mental issue. I hope you can convince her to seek help.

      (Irony of ironies, my mother actually became a therapist a few years ago specializing in…. hoarding issues. So please thoroughly check out whichever mental health professional she agrees to see)

    5. Cleaning it out for her will backfire. If you do contact officials in her city, she may be forced into doing it though if they declare her home unfit for habitation. This happened to one of my neighbors and she chose to live in her car for years. With regard to things that she is hoarding in your home, I think you can tell her that she cannot leave things in your home.

    6. My heart actually goes out to your MIL and your husband.

      She is mentally ill. And unfortunately, and this disorder often gets worse with aging and isolation. You will not be able to change this behavior, but you can limit its expansion into your own home by being clear with her it is not allowed there and just get used to clearing out your space every time she leaves.

      You are absolutely right that this could become unsafe for your MIL. Hoarding food is particularly problematic, because not only will the food spoil and she could give herself food poisoning, the food will attract rodents of all types. It is not uncommon for APS to come in, and may very well be necessary if she lives alone and is across the country.

      She basically needs medications at a minimum, and ideally, intensive therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) to try to modify her behavior long term. It is very difficult to do this when you are in denial, and most are.

      Does she at least have a primary care doctor that she sees regularly? I would even suggest calling this doctor and warning them, if they do not know already. This is a safety and health issue. Sometimes primary care doctors can start the process by starting an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication for multiple reasons….

      Here’s a good resource page. I agree that talking with a support group or a professional/psychiatrist could be useful.

      http://hoarding.iocdf.org/

      I suspect that your husband has been somewhat traumatized in the past by her behavior, which obviously colors his relationship with her. She is ill. Much of this is beyond her control, and it is a horrible disorder to deal with. She cannot listen to reason, and cannot change on her own. It is very likely that despite her outward denial, she likely feels deep shame and horrible urges to continue hoarding that cannot be relieved until she hoards more. It really is torture…. We cannot empathize with how she feels because we do not feel it, but I guarantee you…. it is bad.

      Thank you for thinking about your MIL. Maybe you can use the issue of no insurer willing to insurer her house as beginning a conversation about down-sizing. Sometimes that can lead to a clean out…. But I’m being optimistic.

    7. My parents aren’t hoarders in the clinical sense but they had a bad habit of storing tons and tons of stuff in their basement with the hopes of someday doing something with it but never really did. They live in a state where you get money back for soda bottles so they had bags and bags of them that they were going to recycle “someday.” There were things they were going to fix. Things they knew would never work again but they had an emotional attachment to. Then they were victims of a freak flood and everything in their basement had to be thrown out. They filled one of those giant tractor trailer sized dumpsters. My husband and I did a ton of the work.

      We were relieved that something made them get rid of the stuff. Now, a couple years later though, there is a whole new batch of stuff in that basement. The stuff isn’t as old, but it is there. Doing a forced clean out won’t solve the problem. It will only put it off until it grows back a year later.

      Also, even if it is all junk to us, you can’t legally throw out someone’s stuff without their permission without a court order (or the administrative equivalent.) I’ve heard of situations where the police are called because a family member is throwing out another family members stuff. It’s very sad and requires professional intervention.

    8. I’m late to the discussion, but the book “Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things” is a really helpful look into the minds of hoarders and various tactics to deal with it, co-authored by a social worker and a psychologist. It’s a very interesting read and really changed a lot of misconceptions I had about hoarding. I don’t have close personal experience, but a good friend of mine has a mother in a similar situation, and I know it’s a huge source of worry and shame (a hangover from childhood, I think) for her.

      You won’t be able to reason with your MIL with logic- I think maintaining appropriate boundaries so that it doesn’t infringe too much on your household may be in order if she wants to visit. Would it be possible next time to help her get a hotel room? I also second calling local authorities. Best of luck to you and your husband!

  3. Heading to Montreal in a couple weeks. If you’ve been recently, could you fill me in on your favorite things to see/do/eat there? I’m bringing my two school-aged children, we’ll have bicycles and are staying downtown in a house-swap. Is the biodome worth a visit? Are any galleries or museums more child-friendly? Any off-the-path places or activities we shouldn’t miss? (I wasn’t able to find anything in the archives, although there must have been some previous discussion on Montreal!) Thanks.

    2. We really liked the biodome and I assume it would be even more fun with kids. We also had a good time in Park Mont Royal – you can hike up to the top for an amazing view of the city and it’s just lovely. There’s a drum circle at the bottom of the park near the big monument that meets every Sunday, which is when we happened to go, and I highly recommend going on a Sunday afternoon to watch and/or participate. If I remember correctly, there’s a really good poutine place, La Banquise nearby – they have a million varieties, though a bit of a line when we went (but it did move fast).
      Food wise, the kids will probably love the crepes so have some, somewhere, at least once. Same for poutine. If you’re walking around Old Montreal, Stash café has really delicious Polish food. Nice vibe, awesome old building, kid friendly options like pierogis and just so good.
      Last but not least: a large chunk of the city is connected by underground tunnels. We had no idea and kept wondering where everyone was. It’s mostly just malls and office buildings, but something to keep in mind. Oh and there are a lot of music festivals in the summer from what I understand, so check the dates you’re going to see specific events.

  4. I like the more affordable alternative, but am not excited about the dry clean care instruction. Can anyone speak to hand washing silk? Happy to throw things in the sink with some Eucalan, just don’t want to have to pay/schlep for dry cleaning.

    1. Cold water and liquid ivory detergent soap will do the trick. In summer, when my tops may absorb more sweat, I let my silk shirts soak for 1/2 an hour in the mixture to remove odor.

    2. I wet wash all my silk (usually in the washing machine, on the knit/delicate cycle, using a delicates bag). I’ve noticed some shrinkage from the initial wash, but it’s been fine for the stuff I have. I also press with an iron (silk setting) as needed – a lot of times that’s the way I get the sheen back. Body heat (aka wearing the clothes) will often relax the wrinkles from air drying out as well.

      1. +1 to washing on delicate in a lingerie bag. Silk has been around a lot longer than dry cleaning has!

        1. +1

          Also, I have a feeling the shrinkage comes in because the fabric hasn’t been pre-shrunk (washed before use). When I make anything out of silk, I always wet wash the fabric prior to cutting and haven’t had any shrinkage issues with those garments.

    3. For really delicate silks (with embroidery or brighter colors) I hand wash, then roll up in a towel and squeeze the water out. Iron on silk setting while damp.

  5. My favorite pair of white shorts finally had to be retired. I tried so hard to clean them because they are perfect, but… :( This pair was from Gap but probably 6 or 7 years ago, so the quality is very different now. I have found it impossible to find a pair of white shorts that don’t look like pajamas.

    Any suggestions on where to look? I have found it impossible to find what I am looking for: not too short (I have very long legs) and NOT see through/need to be made of thick-ish material. Maybe a little bit more structured and not those flowy gauze type pairs where you can see my legs through them. Thoughts?

    1. ON has some white shorts that aren’t see-through. I’ve gotten some nylong ones I like from Athleta, but am not sure they come in white.

        1. +1. The Old Navy Boyfriend shorts are nice too. Fabric is substantial but very soft. The fit is great for pear shapes – generous cut in hip/thigh.

    2. Jcrew 4 inch chino shorts are the best.

      I’ve been happy with their quality, even in the past couple of years. I don’t have white, but the fabric is substantial and they are the perfect length.

      1. Co-sign this – great, substantial material. Not see through in white. Just be aware in sizing that their leg to waist ratio is a bit off – the legs are tighter than you would expect. So if you are bigger in the waist, still with a normal size. If you are bigger in the thighs, size up.

    3. Actually, I just bought a pair of off-white shorts from Gap yesterday that fit your description.

    4. I have a pair of twill ones from Target of all places (Merona brand) that I’m really happy with. You have to size up a size or two IMO (even though it’s not technically the “tween” brand), but they are not see-thru, are a good length, and have held up well.

    5. Banana Republic is selling some white shorts. The pair I got last summer is thick. I also second the J Crew recommendation although I would try their factory outlet first.

    6. Talbots – they have some in nice thick material. Go into the store — haven’t seen this season’s but I like mine from last year. Let us know what you find!

    7. I love the Jcrew shorts. For something a bit nicer, try Banana, the Limited, or Ann Taylor.

  6. For those who have re-married after divorce or married for the first time someone who is divorced, how did you feel about the fact that it was the second time around?

    Context: My SO is divorced. He was with his ex wife throughout his twenties and married for two years, divorced early thirties (now late thirties). The split was amicable and there were no kids. His ex wife actually sounds like a really cool person and I think she and I would get on well. Before I met him, I always thought I might find it weird to marry someone who has been married before, but it turns out it hasn’t been a big deal or bothered me, however I find myself weirdly fascinated by the whole thing and am sort of curious hearing about it (not sure if that in itself is weird!)

    I’m confident that, because he tried it once before and it didn’t work out, if he gets down on one knee, he will absolutely mean it, but I guess it’s a little sad that he can say ‘well, at my first wedding we didn’t do it like this…’. I’m not sure what I’m really asking here (and, for the record, we have discussed this and communication is great between us so it’s not like I wouldn’t talk to him about this) but I guess I’d love some anecdotes from people about marrying someone who’s been there before/re-marrying after having been divorced and how that was.

    1. No! You don’t need anecdotes! They have absolutely zero to do with your relationship. You need to do whatever it is that tunes you into your own inner voice and confidence and listen to it. Yoga? Long walks? Prayer? Tequila?

      Obviously sometimes it’s awesome, sometimes it’s awful, and a lot of the time it’s mostly ok but occasionally upsetting. You just need to figure out how you feel about it.

    2. I’m getting married in October to a divorced dad (my first marriage). I felt the same – that I thought it would be really weird to marry someone who was married before – but it’s not as big of a deal as I expected. For one thing, I’m 35, so I’ve also dated other people who were in very long relationships (even if they weren’t married).

      They didn’t really have a capital W Wedding, so there hasn’t been a lot of weirdness there, but honestly even if there was he would not say, “at my first wedding we didn’t do it like this” because he hasn’t with other things like, “When ex and I lived together, we didn’t do it like this” – if that makes sense. It’s also possible your guy is not that into weddings and planning, like mine isn’t.

      I feel like I’m not saying much here, but if you have any specific questions or thoughts I’m glad to address them if it would help…we’ve been together five years, lived together for about a year, the wedding is more of a big deal to me (and my family) but we’re keeping it pretty nontraditional and simple.

      1. My pet peeve is when SO says “when we lived in X” or “when we went to Beach Y” when that was something he did with the ex.

        I did things with my exes, but I tend to say “when I lived in X” or “when I went to Y.”

        I don’t get why people incorporate couple-dom into things in ways that aren’t relevant. I get that you lived in X (but why do I need to be reminded that you lived in X with the ex?).

        1. Eh.

          While I have no problem with my SO doing this (and in fairness he only does it when it’s relevant to the statement) his last ex apparently had a huge problem with it and would freak out every time he mentioned his (very long term) previous ex even though that relationship was well and truly over a couple of years previously. I just don’t think it’s that big a deal.

          The thing is, everyone has a past, it’s not a secret most people have had previous relationships, but they are previous for a reason so it shouldn’t matter. It’s part of their life and who they are and whom you fell for. I guess if you have a concern that your SO is still pining after an ex, you might legitimately have an issue with this, but then there are probably bigger problems in the relationship.

        2. Even if you say “when I lived in X” your SO still knows that’s when you were with your ex. We have to be so politically correct every where in our lives, do we have to be this way for our SO? It’s exhausting, no?

          1. I’d get someone like Mick Jagger mistaking who he was with when he did various things. But assuming “we” really rubs me the wrong way. I feel sort like a fungible companion and like if people can’t be bothered to think about who they did what with, they should just speak for themselves and say “I did X” and not “we did X.”

            It’s like the newly engaged or newly coupled person who loses “I” from their vocabulary and perpetually talks about we, we we. [I think that there is a s*x and the city episode about this.]

    3. Are you by chance my ex-husband’s gf? Haha. (Don’t worry – you’re not – we were married for 8 years :) )

      I’m the first wife. My ex-husband really is a great guy. We were together in our 20s and divorced in our early 30s because we woke up one day and realized we wanted really different things out of life. We’re great friends and text a few times a week and I’ve met his current serious girlfriend and really like her. If people wouldn’t think we’re crazy, I think it’d be fun to double date.

      I wish I could (in a totally non-creepy way) follow him around and tell women, “No really! He’s perfect! For someone else, just not me. He’s such a great guy. Don’t hold the divorce against him.”

      Just because it isn’t his first time doing something, doesn’t mean it isn’t his first time doing it with YOU. You’re different and your relationship is different. There are many similarities between myself and my ex’s new girlfriend – we all have our type, after all ;) – but there are many differences. Differences that make their relationship special and new and uniquely them.

      I agree with anon at 10:36 – trust your intuition on this. Everyone has horror stories about divorcees, but your relationship doesn’t fit that mold, so don’t go looking for bad stories that don’t apply to your great relationship. With time as the two of you are together (and you learn more about the ex ;) ), your confidence will grow and you’ll relax into it. For now, congrats on finding a great guy :)

      1. Thanks so much for sharing this perspective. Not the OP, but really appreciate people sharing stories of healthy relationships with exes. We need to share stories to shift cultural norms around this. There are probably more situations like this than we talk about..

        1. My parents are very similar now, 15 years or so after their divorce. My mom hunts and actually went up with her SO on New Years to my dad’s property to hunt deer that were eating his crops. Every graduation that has come up has been great because I know my parents get along and will sit together and make it awesome for me. They don’t text each other, but they definitely communicate on Facebook and like to share embarrassing stories about me, so I guess that’s a win?

        2. +1000

          As a matter of fact, I’m having dinner tomorrow night with my ex-husband, his current wife, my SO and our 7 year old, to celebrate the little guys birthday. People don’t understand how I do it. And my question to them is “why don’t you?”

          1. Love this, I was the new gf. He did have kids and there is an age gap between us which maybe means it took a bit longer for me to be seen as credible by some in his family. Ironically I think the kids helped – it would be so unfair to write their mom out of every memory so I had to learn to be ok with everyone having a past pretty quickly. We’ve been married 2 years and together for 5 so something worked. I probably wouldn’t be excited for just the three of us to hangout but once we add 3 sets of grandparents and 3 kids we do pretty well – like an earlier commentator said, everyone has a type ;) Trust yourself and give yourself time.

    4. Google “starter marriages.” It is the term for exactly the relationship you described (married for a few years in their early adult years then divorced with no kids). Very common. Extensively written about.

    5. My husband is previously divorced and it was my first marriage. He was with his ex-wife for a long time, although only married for about 2 years. They did not have any kids, partly because he has a child from an earlier relationship and she felt that had ruined her having kids because it wouldn’t be “new” for him. They both didn’t really trust each other and they both treated each other like crap and hearing the stories, it’s no real surprise it didn’t work out. But they’re both decent people and both now happily remarried. They don’t communicate very often but they had 2 dogs from the same litter and they’re aging now so they occasionally call/text about developments/suggestions for the dogs (each has one of the dogs). Things are different when you’re with the right person and once we’re in our 30s, everyone is carrying some baggage even if they weren’t married before. He and I have a great relationship and we’ve now been married longer than he was before. Him having been married before has really been a non-issue for us.

    6. It depends on what was learned in the first marriage. My husband was married for 15 before me and we will hit 13 this year. Main issue for him is that he wasn’t allowed to be himself with wife 1 – gave up friends, hobbies etc., while he can be completely immature (in a fun way) with me and enjoy his hobbies. He always says she was a great person, just not for him. It’s my first marriage, but only because I was smart enough to not marry my daughter’s father. I learned tons of lessons though!!!

  7. Just saw a woman on my walk to work who wore a similarly-colored, shiny gray top with a conservative black suit and it looked…tacky. I like a hint of shine or sparkle on occasion but I think too much makes it look cheap, regardless of the actual cost or quality of the piece. I think it’d be hard to pull this one off, tbh, but I like the idea of it.

    1. The things that play well with a conservative black suit are much less numerous than most folks think. Unfussy off-white top, pearls or gold jewellery, dark shoes. That’s it, I think.

  8. I posted this late yesterday on another post and wanted to get more input.

    I’m considering switching from public sector to traditional firm life and I’d love input.

    I’m in my 30s, but I’ve only been out of law school for a year. My entire professional life has been public sector with the exception once of a miserable 15 months at a technology start-up. (A laughably poor match for my structure-loving personality.)

    I have to leave my current policy position because funding wasn’t renewed. I was invited to interview for another policy position in my field and didn’t get it because I was too inexperienced. (Completely understandable since I’ve only been out of a school a year. I’m flattered they thought of me at all.) There aren’t really many other policy positions at my level in my niche field.

    I’m now considering traditional firm life. Long-term, I absolutely want to be in policy and lobbying, but I need experience. A couple years at a major firm will do that for me, but I’m afraid I’ll hate it. I read one too many stories on ATL as a law student. (I stumbled into law school when the economy crashed; I never harbored grand dreams of practicing law.)

    How do you know if it’ll be a good fit? I don’t bat an eye at working 12 hour days, so that wouldn’t bother me, but what gets me up in the morning is knowing I’m serving the greater good every day, no matter how cheesy that sounds. My field is transactional, so I imagine the work would be more dull than acrimonious. My niche is either handled by Big Law or small boutique firms, really nothing in between.

    Has anyone made this switch? How did it go for you?

    1. You’re a second year. How do you have a niche? Like, no you don’t.

      If you want to be in policy and lobbying, look for firms that have robust government affairs groups. They’re often local or regional firms, or sometimes small offices of big firms.

      2. Adults who go to law school during the middle of their careers have a niche. She said that she had been doing policy work for her entire career. For these purposes, ignore the fact that she is only two years out of law school.

        Sorry, but you hit a nerve. I went to law school after 18 years in a profession and re-entered that profession as a lawyer. I was hired in a senior role (corporate) that took advantage of my knowledge, network in the industry and, oh yeah, my law degree.

        1. That’s nice! But she’s in her 30s. If her situation is dramatically special in that she actually had legit related experience in her 20s, that needs to be shared.

      3. “Like, no you don’t.” Like, but you clearly have your like 20 year old like language skills going for you, like. Get down off your high horse and trot along, little 20-something.

    2. You will not be serving the greater good in biglaw. You just won’t; it’s not how they make their money. Biglaw is a business, and however a firm tries to sell itself to you, it’s ultimately about the partners’ bottom line. So if you can do it for a few years in exchange for money and training, do it. Just remember not to take anything personally and keep an exit plan. That means, with limited exceptions, living like you’re working in the public sector. Do not weigh yourself down with a huge car payment, rent, or expensive shoes or purses. If you’re going to spend outside your public sector means, spend it on services you have to outsource because of your 12 hour days. Doing big law as a means to an end can be done if you have a goal in mind and don’t put on the golden handcuffs.

      1. This is fantastic advice. Keep your overhead down and beware the golden handcuffs!

        1. And also be aware that hardly anyone actually succeeds at this! Consider what life would be like if you were like the vast majority of folks who don’t go crazy town with luxury shopping but do enjoy eating out, ordering fancy cocktails, and weekend vacations. Especially when all your peers are doing it.

      2. Yes, if you need a little bit of “greater good” it would be that you will be well trained, so you can go out and serve the greater good more effectively. I have a good friend who went from college to law school directly to non-profits and working part time with a solo practitioner and I really think she suffered from never having big-picture mentoring and hands on experience. Maybe if you think of it more as an apprenticeship it wouldn’t be so bad?

        That said (and with the caveat that I am not a lawyer) would you be better off somewhere more mid-sized as opposed to a large firm? I started my career in a fairly small company where I was given significant direct mentorship and a lot of responsibility very early on because there just weren’t that many people to do it, so I got a very broad knowledge base very fast. After a few years I moved to one of the biggest companies in my industry and I hated it because everything was based on where you fell on the totem pole, and even though I had the experience of people who had been there 10 years, and had been handling projects similar to what the 15 year veterans were handling at my new company, I had to “pay my dues” by doing menial work that the people above me considered beneath them while they held on to the interesting parts, and I got very little mentoring from people with a lot of experience – just a lot of “here, do this twiddly part and then come see the presentation at the end of the project”. So I would suggest considering medium sized companies as well as the largest ones as good “training ground”.

      3. +1 but also, basically all law firms are a business, and operate accordingly (says the associate who left Biglaw for a “private, but very public-interested oriented” firm, and has discovered it is only negligibly better than Biglaw).

    3. I don’t mean for this to sound negative, but I think the bigger question is not how the switch will go, but whether it’s possible to make one in your specific area. You’re junior enough that if you hate “firm life,” you can always transition back to public sector/government work in a year or two but it may not be so easy to transition to private practice at a big firm or boutique in the first place. You don’t say what type of law school you went to, how you did, what type of agency you’re at, state vs. fed., your other experience, etc., and these things all make a huge difference. In my experience, it’s not an easy transition, esp. for someone with just a year of experience (not inc. fed. clerkships), not the least of which because most large firms aren’t looking to hire people who would be second year associates. Also, keep in mind that, fair or not, there is sometimes a perception in private firms that people who work in public sector jobs aren’t willing to work the required hours. That may not apply to your field, but I’ve seen friends have an issue with that at interviews even when they’re coming from experiences where they clearly have non 9 to 5 positions.

      1. Right. I think this is actually a huge issue to grapple with. You need to figure out why BigLaw would want you. Not to say there isn’t a reason or several but you need to be able to sell it.

        1. Getting BigLaw to hire you will be an uphill battle. Your resume shows you worked in a public policy niche before and after law school. You have shown no interest in “practicing law” until you lost your public sector job. It will be fairly obvious to the hiring partners that you will jump ship at the first available opportunity.

          You should focus more on getting in the door before you fret about whether you will like it or not. Work your connections and try to come up with a compelling reason why you want to work for a firm other than wanting a temporary gig while you wait for something in your field to open up. Or think about applying to clerkships, which would make you more attractive to BigLaw and buy you time until you find a new job in your field.

    4. I agree that you should focus on firms that have governmental affairs groups or even separate consulting companies. Many do work on a state and national level and lawyers can be dual time-keepers between the traditional practice and the consulting practice.

    5. For me it wasn’t the 12 hours days. It was the expectation that I would always be available to answer emails, etc. I just couldn’t handle it and I’m much happier in the private sector. But you can do anything for a couple of years.

    6. I had similar goals and a similar personality. I just knew I would not like working at a big law firm. I never did work at one. I had times where it got dicey but I held out for what I wanted and it worked out so much better! I now work in politics and policy and have a great job, a good work/life balance. You can find it too. Hold out to find a policy job or a lobbying job or an advocacy job, if that’s what you want. You can find these kinds of jobs in DC and NY and in most state capitols, and even in big cities where you can lobby/advocate for local government.

        1. Try to meet people who do it — network, network, network! See if you can go to events/conferences, etc. Look while you still have a job — it’ll take a while.

  9. Not sure if this is a situation that much of the hive will relate to, but I figured I’d throw it out there.

    I love creative projects and learning. Love learning languages, drawing, playing instruments, and most of all, writing and reading.

    I do all of these things for fun and sometimes create goals for myself around them (like this month I’ll advance another level in DuoLingo, or this month I’ll interview one person for my interview series), but I don’t really put myself out there. I’m not submitting articles for publication. I’m not blogging or hosting gallery shows with my art.

    I don’t know if it matters, but sometimes I feel like I should be pushing myself to do more. Curious to hear if any others have felt this way and how you’ve dealt with producing and sharing creative work.

    1. Do you compare yourself to people you know only on the Internet? There’s nothing wrong with having hobbies for enjoyment and personal fulfillment, without looking for public acclaim.

      1. This.

        If you start producing and sharing creative work, odds are, you won’t like it anymore because you’ve put unnecessary pressure on yourself for a HOBBY. Just enjoy being creative for yourself. That would be fulfilling enough.

    2. I don’t think you need to share it, unless you want to. If you want to, fantastic! What is the barrier you’re facing? Fear of criticism? Time? Information/plan about where and how to do it? Those are solvable. If you just feel like you “should” do it, but don’t really want to, well, you do you. Personally I think there are very few “shoulds” for hobbies or things we do for personal enjoyment. Just my thoughts…

      2. If you just feel like sharing your work, perhaps a local club? My father’s retirement hobby is photography, and he joined a local club. They go out and take pictures, and have a show, and enter their photos in other counties’ clubs’ shows. He’s won ribbons and has more confidence now to share with a broader audience. Other friends have joined quilters’ guilds, knitting circles, whatever. Just sharing the hobby is nice even if you aren’t marketing yourself on a national level. There are many levels of sharing; you don’t need to be awesome at whatever you are doing before you explore local options.

    3. I’ve been learning to paint for …….oh going on about 10-15 years now and this year is the first year I have a piece in a (non-prestigious) gallery and am entering art shows. To be honest, you’re probably not as good as you think you are, in the sense that you are not at a professional level yet. I know I’m only just now making non-embarrassingly bad paintings. So maybe it’s not time to “put it out there.” You can join a forum where others will give you critiques (on whatever it is, poetry or paintings) or find local galleries that take non-professionals and go from there. You’ll know when something is good enough to put out there (for me it’s when everyone who sees the painting is like OMG THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!) (not just “Yeah, that’s great, nice …try” or similar).

        1. Then why are you trying to put it out there? I’m not insulting you but it takes a long time and a lot of work to get to a professional level.

          I think your original question was a little ambiguous. What are you trying to gain? Experience? There’s local and online artist groups where you could get critiques. Money? That comes back to are you good enough for people to pay for your product.

          If you make a thing that you can sell you can try opening an Etsy shop and see how people like it.

    4. It’s County Fair time. Why not enter something in your county fair? I’ve done it once, with some embroidery. I won a ribbon (!) which is totally exciting and a real conversation piece.

  10. Husband and I like to entertain and since we’re in the same industry, it’s also a nice way to strengthen career connections. We extended a dinner invitation to someone fairly prominent and my husband swore up and down she was married. He was certain that he had heard her mention her husband during a particular lunch conversation. I had believed she was not married, but hadn’t been at the lunch and so if he said she’d mentioned a husband specifically, figured he must be right. Extended dinner invite to this person and her husband. She replied she’d love to come but had no husband to bring. Ugh. Now I feel ridiculous for looking like I assume everyone is married (I most certainly don’t). I want to blame my husband to the dinner invitee but obviously that’s not an okay thing to do (or productive). And I feel bad on two accounts: first and most importantly, I’ve put a guest-to-be in an awkward situation; and second and less importantly, I worry we’ve been off-putting to someone influential in our industry. Boo.

    1. I don’t think this is nearly as horrifying as you are imagining. As an unmarried person, people reference my “husband” like at least once a month and it’s slightly amusing but not at all traumatizing. Just say “oops!” and that you’d love to have over for dinner.

    2. Humor can diffuse the most awkward situations. With a warm smile and a laugh the next time you see her, make your apologies and come up with a funny little self-deprecating line excusing yourself. It’ll be fine :)

    3. Go easy on yourself. You are over thinking this. She accepted so she’s not put-off. It’s pretty common include spouses/partners/significant others in dinner invites even if the relationship is mostly professional. She probably will just chalk it up to your being polite. Dwelling on it will make it a bigger issue than necessary.

    4. I might consider casually addressing it by apologizing and saying you thought you recalled her mentioning a husband but must have been mistaken. It’s sort of a catch-22 then, because it might make you sound like a poor listener (like not remembering someone’s name). Not addressing it sort of leaves the assumption out there, though.

    5. How long ago did you last had lunch? Maybe between then and now she and the husband split. My recently divorced friend doesn’t advertise that and usually responds, “oh I’m not married” in similar situations. “I’m no longer married” would be more accurate but she doesn’t want to get into and frankly, shouldn’t have to.

      1. Good point. I’m working on a project with a consultant whose wife is a good friend of my sister-in-law, except it turns out it’s his ex-wife, and the split was acrimonious. It was just good fortune that I hadn’t already said something like “say hello to Rachel” before I found out.

      2. Pretty sure she wasn’t married back at the lunch (only about 6-8 weeks ago). I had had lunch with her a week or two prior and was under the impression at that time that she was unmarried. My husband surprised me when he said to be sure we invited her husband as well.

    6. I don’t think this is nearly as bad as congratulating someone on a nonexistent pregnancy, and I’ve done that (and once was enough to learn my lesson). Give yourself a break and know you won’t make that same faux pas again.

  11. Where do you keep your makeup at home? My bathroom is tiny and there are no drawers or a vanity, so I do my makeup in a full length mirror in my bedroom (also helps because I’m blind as a bat and can get up to the mirror). I keep my makeup on my dresser in a makeup bag, but the bag gets dirty (it’s kind of a waterproofed fabric that attracts dust?). Looking for something new. Any suggestions?

    1. I have two enamel pie dishes and I love them to put my every-day makeup and skincare in. They’re easy to clean and easy to find things in. (But – as I’m single I don’t have to make my bedroom look neat to anyone else – it’s totally my own space)

    2. I keep the makeup and brushes I use everyday in a coffee mug, plus have an eye shadow compact next to it. It actually works really well to keep everything together and to only have the things I need in front of me. And if the mug gets dirty, I can run it through the dishwasher. I keep other makeup that I use for going out/special occasions a bit further away in a makeup box, and go through it for what I want when I’m dressing up.

    3. I keep my daily used makeup (foundation, concealer, brow gel, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick) in 2 small trays. The rest I keep in a bag and a small plastic organizer on the shelf underneath

    4. I use my grandmother’s mirrored vanity tray on my dresser to corral everything, with a short vase for brushes and tube-shaped things like primer, BB cream, mascara and eyeliner. Lipsticks go in a pretty pressed tin box, and everything else (individual eyeshadows, loose powder, blush) is arranged prettily in the tray. It does take up a good bit of my dresser top, but it makes everything accessible and attractive, so I’m ok with it.

    5. I have my hard plastic Caboodle from high school (it’s bright pink), which holds the majority of my makeup. I’ve seen Caboodles at Target, which are easy to clean and carry.

      I keep the Caboodle under my bed, but I have my daily makeup in a nightstand drawer.

    6. I have a little “train case” made by Roxy that holds everything. It sits on the vanity and it zips up when I’m not using it. It’s perfect.

    7. I have a tiny bathroom as well and I use an actual vanity from Ikea in my bedroom. It’s perfect.

    8. I have a pedestal sink and a very small restroom. I keep my brushes in a coffee mug in my medicine cabinet. My makeup lives in an old small (3×3) library card catalog that sits on an etagere shelf above my toilet. I love using it because it’s really easy to keep organized (not my forte whatsoever) and it also holds my q tips, wash cloths, tampons, contacts and glasses, etc within reach without taking up too much room.

    9. I use an acrylic cosmetic organizer from the container store. I like that it’s see through and keeps my stuff organized. There are many to choose from so you could pick what would best suit the makeup you have. But mine is the 4-section acrylic cosmetic organizer for 17.99.

      ETA: My bathroom is also very small, so I have a tall ikea cabinet outside it in the hallway to store bathroom essentials, which is where my makeup organizer goes.

    10. I have installed a small vanity in my room (like the ikea inexpensive ones) and all my makeup is organised in clear acrylic boxes from Muji. everything looks very neat and it is very easy to clean.

    11. I have a jar for lippies and one for makeup brushes. Apart from that, blush plus loose powder plus eyebrow powder all on the vanity. Perfume in a drawer as I’m scared it will fall off the vanity.

  12. I am extremely apple shaped and need a new swimsuit for the summer. Should I get one from JCrew or from Athleta? I am in the market for a one piece, not a two piece. I would love suggestions of actual suits, or I might just wear a skort and tank top to the beach…

      1. I just got the tugless one-piece suit from Land’s End and it seems great so far.

    2. I like my Athleta bathing suits – they’re more functional. I also have some cute bikinis from Madewell (although I feel ancient in that store sometimes…)

    3. I’m more pear but I found that LL Bean in general has good suits that are made for women who aren’t exactly swimsuit models. That is, they’re attractive and flattering but also cut and built for women who need something a little more forgiving.

  13. Looking for any suggestions for things to do/see/eat in Seattle and Vancouver in July. We will have about 2 days in each city and an additional day in Mt. Rainier. More interested in outdoor activities rather than museums. Any good places to kayak or bike? Are the San Juan islands worth a day trip? Any suggestions would be very much appreciated! TIA!

    1. Interested in the recommendations for Seattle/Vancouver myself, as I’m visiting this summer after six years away.

      I love the San Juan Islands and recommend them to anyone with the inclination. The ferry ride is a nice, inexpensive way to see the sound. The islands are quiet, rural, and rustic. Orcas Island has a state park (and a mountain) on the eastern side, as well as an artist collective in Olga. I haven’t been to San Juan Island yet, but I’ve heard you can do whale watching from the shore. If you decide to go, make hotel reservations soon (and don’t forget to make a reservation for the ferry from Anacortes).

    2. Not exactly in Vancouver, but if you have a car, it’s easy to get to Whistler, which we loved. We went mountain biking, drank beer outside, and went to the spa.

    3. If you go to the Univ of Washington campus, you can go canoeing for a pretty cheap rate. http://www.washington.edu/ima/wac/canoe-boat-rentals/

      Tons of hiking in Washington State – a couple of good ones about an hour drive away. Just look up hiking routes..

      Snoqualmie Falls is fun, and you can walk to the bottom too.

      Also, Seafair is around July so you can go to that…hydroplane racing I think is big, the blue angels also go I think..

      Things to eat… Chonga bagels at Starbucks!! Only available in the Pacific NW and totally worth it. I miss those bagels a lot. And lots of good places in Chinatown and in Bellevue if you like Chinese or Taiwanese food. And I also like Ivars (fish and chips, clam chowder), which is a chain but I think only in WA.. And on your way up to Vancouver, I’d stop in Richmond, BC – lots of great Chinese food there.

      Some people like stopping by Fremont to take a photo with the troll. Lots of good coffee places around Fremont as well.

  14. Could we please discuss online shopping habits? Where do you shop frequently? What do you buy? How much do you buy? How much do you typically return?

    1. Loft, Old Navy, Target, Ann Taylor, H&M, Banana, Nordstrom. Sometimes Modcloth, Talbots. Zappos, 6pm.com, onlineshoes.com.

      Mostly tops and dresses, pants if I am very familiar with the brand. Shoes have been more consistent lately and most of the shoe places have good ship/return policies.

      I buy a lot, I return a lot. I usually order at least two of each size, even if I have a million Loft shirts, sizing these days just isn’t consistent enough to only order “my” size.

      I have had orders where I order 8-10 different things and keep 2. I usually order enough to get free shipping, then return in the stores. Hasn’t been a problem anywhere so far.

      I pretty much never go to brick & mortar stores to shop anymore. The stores around me rarely have what I want in stock, and it’s a pain to try stuff on, realize you need a different size (even though you took 3 different sizes in with you!), and have to get dressed again to go out on the floor because most stores don’t keep enough salespeople around so there’s someone to fetch different sizes for you. So I order online and return what I don’t want.

      Plus there are often better sales online, and I go through eBates to get a few pennies back, too.

    2. I buy and return in store to : Talbots, Nordstrom, DSW, usually items that are unavailable in the store. Otherwise, on line I do buy and sometimes return to Amazon. Boden I use online as, sigh, there is no store in my USA city, so returns have to be mailed back. At least now they are providing “Free” return mail labels! FOr lingerie, as I need non-wired items, I buy and return to HerRoom dot com. My hosiery I order online from Shapings dot com in Toronto but I never need to return/exchange.

      Hope this answers your question(s).

    3. I buy online almost exclusively these days (you try getting a double stroller into a dressing room then entertaining two 15 mo olds while you try stuff on). I was always the person bringing armfuls of clothes into the dressing room then handing everything but one t-shirt back to the attendant so now I just buy a lot online and return almost everything in the store. I used to be a heavy J Crew shopper, but between quality, shift in styles, and now being over 35, it’s not my thing anymore. My suits are Banana Republic and Brooks Brothers. My jackets are Brooks Brothers and Ann Taylor. I have some things from Talbots and Nordstrom (Elie Tahari). Then everything else is Old Navy (weekend stuff) or Gap (jeans).

    4. Online shopping is inevitable as many styles and petite sizes are available only online these days. I am not a very fashionable person and don’t mind repeating same style every day as long as I feel good in them. I also work in very very casual office, so there is not much difference between weekday and weekend attire.

      Given all these, I tend to buy most of my clothes from Talbots and Eddie Bauer. Occasionally, I buy things from LLBean. Talbots and Eddie Bauer have in store return. But I have to pay for LLBean returns (but shipping is free). I generally shop twice a year and so buy a lot of stuff at once which offsets shipping and return costs.

      However, recently I fell in love with a Talbots sweater online and I paid $8 shipping for a $40 sweater. I didn’t like it when I got it. So I returned in store and they refunded the shipping costs to me which I think is great.

  15. Thinking of going to Quebec for a few days before Christmas. I’ve never been and am short on research time, so please excuse my ignorance! I’m looking for recs on places to stay, things to do. Also would love to know if I’ll need a car and if it will be absolutely insanely cold at that time and make any of the outdoor activities miserable.

    1. Where in Quebec? It’s about the size of Texas. It’s huge… Personally I’m a fan of Quebec city. It’s beautiful and one of the places that didn’t get blown to bits in the wars. Lots of historic buildings from the settlers. You don’t need a car for Quebec city or Montreal for that matter. It’s a wee bit chilly about -5C with a foot or two of snow. Quebec as a whole is generally coldest in February. The decorations are always so beautiful. If you eat meat traditional foods like tortiere are a must, as a vegetarian there are lots of fantastic options too.

    2. You can go skating and then go inside to warm up in a lovely cafe. It will be cold but as KittyKat says above, not the worst (probably….). You can wander around the Old Town, visit the historical sights, etc. Most people prefer to stay in the Old Town or just outside the gates, but you will pay a premium for that. I stayed in the Delta last year and found it was fine, though it was a lot more pleasant to walk a bit in May!

  16. I want to thank everybody for all the support yesterday about my situation with aging parents!

    To recap, I recently moved them to assisted living near me and over the weekend they threw a fit and decided they had to move back to their old home, which is not a possibility for many reasons not least of which is that it’s for sale and there is an offer. Yesterday I went to see them, told them they needed to sign the counter-offer, and lo and behold, they did it like meek little children.

    And I had an epiphany: I am running the show now, and if I am firm and confident, they will cooperate and things will work out. If there is complaining by them along the way, and if they come up with harebrained schemes, I will take it in stride and just keep doing what needs to be done. My job is to keep them safe and well-cared-for and put out the fires that will inevitably keep breaking out. Whether or not they are happy is really up to them. So there.

    1. You have a great attitude about this. Your last paragraph is so true! My mom is dealing with this with her parents, and I see how hard it is when they no longer get that living on their own is in their best interests. At a certain point, it’s very similar to raising a child and many of the same approaches apply. Best of luck to you during this time.

    2. I like you attitude in your last paragraph and I need to work on accepting and having that attitude with my mother. She has recently gone through cancer treatments and they have left her (hopefully temporarily) unable to live alone and I think permanently unable to live in her large, two-story house. So I have finally convinced her to sell it and have been working on those logistics. But it has been hard for me to accept that I am running the show now and I no longer have her to “support” me. (Even though I am a grown-up, married, lawyer with three kids, have been on my own for a long time, and have honestly had a strained relationship with my mother for many years.) It has just been hard to accept that I am really the adult in this whole situation.

    3. Wasn’t around yesterday, but just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re dealing with a tough situation, and it looks like you are doing the right thing for everyone involved.

      Also, wanted to let you know that thanks to you – and others who have shared similar issues here in the past – I’ve recently had some really good conversations with my own mom – just hitting 60 – about long-term planning on living arrangements and the like, and it’s been immensely illuminating and helpful. So thank you!

      1. Sorry to keep jumping in to these threads, but it’s something I’ve had a lot of experience with recently, unfortunately. One piece of advice that I found to be helpful was to discuss not only “what do people want long term” but “of these arrangements, how do you rank them, 1, 2, 3 etc” because a lot of time what people want in an ideal world is just not feasible or doesn’t exist. For instance, for both my mother and mother-in-law (who may very well outlive their spouses by 10-30 years if family history holds true) would like to option 1: live at home, option 2: downsize to a single story house and have help with laundry, etc option 3: live with one of us (not very likely to happen, but good to know) option 4: move to assisted living or skilled nursing. But from 4, the plans diverge – my mother-in-law is very social, and she would rather live somewhere closer to her church and family friends, even if it’s not as nice of a facility or she would have to share a room. My mother is very private, and picky about her living conditions and would prioritize having a nice, private room and ideally a private apartment – even if it means moving further from where she lives now. Both of them are now much more understanding that “live in my current house until I die” is really not an option – although we’ll have to see how stubborn they are about staying “a few more months” when the time actually comes.

        I think it’s important to talk about the big picture and the details as well, and understand that it isn’t always going to be “this is what I want, period” sometimes it is going to be “these are my priorities, lets see how we can find the best compromise situation within those priorities”

        1. Yes! My son and I have been talking about this a lot and have come to the conclusion that there are so many variables in terms of mental and physical health that it’s pretty much impossible to have A Plan that will fit a broad range of outcomes. And things change — levels of required care are likely to increase over time.

          We concluded that really the best plan anybody can have is “have enough money for full time care and a general idea of where you want that care to happen.”

    5. Just as an aside, I’d like to put in a plug for considering long-term care insurance for any relatives who would like to stay in their own home and can afford the insurance. A long-term care policy enabled my very independent grandmother to stay in her own home until her death, with round-the-clock nursing care, rather than living elsewhere. It was very important to her and I don’t think it would have been possible had she not thought in advance about her wishes and purchased the insurance. I don’t know how expensive it was, but I know she was able to afford it and she was not particularly wealthy–just solidly middle class and prudent with her money. Something to think about as another option for those who aren’t dealing with this issue yet but might need to in the future.

  17. I’m looking for a sleeveless striped shirt dress that would be acceptable for a very casual workplace – but still a workplace, so none of the super-short, actually-looks-like-your-boyfriend’s-shirt dresses. Under $125, machine washable. Has anyone found this?

    2. The Limited has its Ashton Sleeveless Shirtdress in stripes on sale currently for $48. I was eyeing it this morning.

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