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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Barrister in the Bayou
Quick threadjack: would you buy a perfume if you only liked it after an hour or so? I tried Burberry Body and I’m not crazy about it until the top notes wear off a little. It won’t be my signature scent (right now that’s Flower Bomb), but I need a once in a while perfume and I was thinking of taking the plunge on Body.
Formerly Preggo Angie
Yes, I would be sure to put it on early so by the time I’m “out,” it would be to the point where I like. BTW, I LOVE Flower Bomb!
AIMS
I think it depends on how much you like it after an hour passes, and how much you dislike it before.
I really love the Shalimar smells on my skin at the end of the day (or night), but I think it is way too strong initially. I only wear it once in a while, and apply only a spritz or two in discreet spot(s), but for me catching a whiff at the end of whatever I was doing is worth the trouble. For others, maybe not.
conbrio
I wouldn’t. I want to enjoy the way it smells right away – I might not remember to re-smell myself an hour later.
Anonymous
No. Also, I’ve found that natural fragrances don’t have that problem. The synthetic ones I’ve tried all have that problem.
Kanye East
I probably wouldn’t, but I already have too many fragrances that I love and almost never wear.
Sarah
I wouldn’t. There are too many options out there not to find something you like all of the time. Just a hunch–but I think it also may be an indication that others are less likely to like. It shouldn’t have to be “forced” into being great.
Barrister in the Bayou
Thanks for the feedback, I’ve just had a hard time finding a new perfume that I love (I tend to use an entire bottle until I finish it and then move on to something different). I’ve been out countless times and I sniffed too many perfumes to count. Also, no one has free samples anymore so I can’t really test perfumes out. But my biggest gripe is that I can’t find a helpful associate anywhere (Dillards, Macy’s Sephora, Ulta… no Nordstrom or Bloomingdales in the great state of Louisiana) to help me choose; they don’t know a thing about perfume and make ME feel like I’m the dumb one when I dare to ask questions about a scent.
I don’t know if I have a particular perfume style but here are the last few perfumes I’ve owned: Gucci Rush, Chanel Chance, Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue, Theirry Mugler Angel, and Flower Bomb. Does anyone have any good recommendations?
Emily I
My grandmother, mother, a sister and I all wear Beautiful. Not sure if it’s the sort of thing that would appeal to you, but I like it a lot!
Jas
Stella by Stella McCartney, maybe? Have you tried the Lolita Lempika ones? It looks like you kind of like “light floral” (Chance, Light Blue, and Flower Bomb) or “sweet patchouli” (Angel, Rush, and Flower Bomb to some extent). Stella is a really well done modern rose with an amber base, and “Lolita Lempicka” by Lolita Lempicka (man, they need more original names) is a quirky floral with some similarities to Angel but with anise where Angel has foody patchouli. While you’re at the Lolita Lempicka section of the counter, try L and Coral Flower, too. They’re both a little floral, a little foody and pretty fun. I have a bottle of Coral Flower which is kind of beachy floral with driftwood and incense.
Jas
And AIMS’s post just reminded me, Bvlgari The Rouge or Rose Essentialle might work well for you, too. The Rouge is based off rooibos tea, Rose Essentialle is in the light floral category.
BigHTown
Love that Stella and Stella Sheer!
Do you have a friend whose you can borrow and try out for the time being?
You might like the pink one by Guerlain … name escapes me, but floral.
You might like Paul Smith “rose” … but I usually have to order it as it’s a UK fragrance.
Elisa
Oh I love Stella! I got a sample at Sephora and ended up buying a set of four rollers. The spray fades quickly on me but the roller version sticks around. It’s definitely not your grandmother’s rose.
Kaylee
Based on what you’ve said you like, you might like Hot Couture by Givenchy (yes, the name is ridiculous), the original Burberry, or Gina by Benefit. It seems like you like floral scents, but with something else for added depth (pachouli, vanilla, musk). Hopefully one of those will work and best of luck finding something!
M in CA
I’ve had great luck at the Barney’s counter, if there’s one near you (if you’re in the Bayou, I’m guessing not, but maybe you’ll be near one soon). I am loving Barney’s fragrance Route du The. Clean and light. Around $60, at least when I bought it. For a (much) more spendy option, I’m obsessed with Nana de Bary “Green”, also from Barney’s.
I do not regret the money I’ve spent on these perfumes. It’s something that makes me feel special, every day. YMMV.
AIMS
Based on your prior likes, consider:
D&G Rose the One; Lolita Lempicka (not sure if it has a name, but it looks like a blue accorn); Givenchy Very Irresistible; MJ Lola; Narciso Rodriguez For her; and maybe Hermes Kelly Calleche (sic?) or Burberry Beat …
I am also, personally, am a huge fan of Bvlgari scents. My personal favorite is Voile de Jasmin, but you may like Jasmin Noir better. It’s a bit headier. I also really liked the new Cartier perfume and the new Chloe, both of which just came out. They’re a little lighter than the scents you mention though, so not sure if you’d like.
PS: Even if they don’t have actual samples, they can make you a sample to take home in Sephora.
BigHTown
Like that Hermes Calique…hubs brought it back from an overseas trip.
Am I the only one who has it reminding me of leather? In a good way.
It’s the only non-rose fragrance my hubs and I have liked, we stick with the rose family for me.
anony
Hermes Kelly Caleche or another fragrance from their garden series.
conbrio
I wear Clinique Happy in Bloom. It’s only available in the summer, but you can probably find it on ebay throughout the year. It smells like heaven to me – makes me instantly ten times happier.
PhillyGirlRuns
How’s the staying power on the Happy fragrances? I loved Clinique Happy to Be years ago, but I remember giving up on it because it faded so quickly (within an hour or so). Has that changed? Or maybe it’s just my body chemistry.
conbrio
I think it’s good. I spray it in my hair at the nape of my neck, and anyone who hugs me or gets into pretty close proximity can still smell it throughout the day, plus I get a new little burst whenever I brush my hair.
Accountress
My mom hasn’t worn perfume since the 70s (dad’s got fragrance sensitivities) so now that he’s working out of the state, we decided it was the perfect time for her to start wearing perfume again. Sephora has this really great offer: for $50-75, you buy a box of 7 or 10 tiny bottles of different perfumes, decide which ones you like, and use the included gift card to buy a full-sized bottle of the one you like best. They’re putting out a new holiday season set of scents- you might be able to find something that way.
KYC
jo malone. i have convinced all my friends to wear jo malone fragrances. they come in a broad spectrum of fragrances from floral and fruity to spicy and nutty. (her scents can be worn by men or women). and the best part is that her scents can be layered. if you have a department store near you that has a jo malone counter, i highly recommend you stop by. the jo malone people are so nice and have no qualms about layering every scent you could possibly want together and letting you smell. they will also send you home with tons of samples. so even though i own 2 bottles: red roses and mint (limited edition), i have samples of a bunch of her other fragrances (english pear and freesia; french lime blossom; white jasmine and mint) so that i can layer different scents together whenever i feel like something new. i really really recommend corporettes check out jo malone for some really great scents that are customizable to your own personality.
Samantha
You should definitely check out the “fragrance sampler” they have at Sephora. It has a sample of 10 fragrances and you get to redeem a coupon for a full-size bottle of 1 of the 10. Totally worth it and it’s been a fave when I’ve gifted it.
LinLondon
My friend wears several of the ones you’ve listed and also like Hermes Merveilles.
lostintranslation
I love Merveilles! If you get the Eau de Parfum, it smells slightly better imho, lasts forever, and has the best staying power of any other perfume I’ve tried.
NOLA
Totally understand your frustrations with shopping in Louisiana. I go crazy when I’m in NYC and DC! It does seem like you should be able to get help in Sephora. I don’t wear perfume (makes me wheeze) but I have gone on an odyssey to find a new tinted moisturizer and I’ve gotten good help at Dillard’s and Sephora. Of course, Dillard’s shoe department personally called me tonight about a Vince Camuto event next weekend. I guess I’ve been buying a few pairs of shoes there lately…
dw
Burberry The Beat is my signature fragrance. I love it at all stages, it does something great with my body’s chemistry.
SortaSouthern
I’ve tried/owned a few that you mention, so maybe we have similar taste in perfume. I am loving Coco Chanel Mademoiselle right now. And, it lasts.
Anon
Love the Chloe perfume.
Jas
I don’t think I would. I’m a bit perfume crazed so I would rather buy one of the dozen I want but haven’t spent money on yet. However, I DO have one where I dislike the first 5 minutes until the notes settle and I would buy ones where I was fairly “meh” until the basenotes came out, just not one I out and out disliked.
Supra
I wouldn’t hesitate to buy a scent that I loved after a little time passed
I love Flowerbomb. That’s what I wear. (as well as Paco Rabanne’s Lady Million and Coco Madamoiselle, when I’m feeling faaaaaaancy).
Have you tried the Lady Million? I really liked it the first time I smelled it.
Barrister in the Bayou
I might just head to Sephora after work to give it a good sniff! Thanks for the recommendation.
mamabear
PS if you can find a sales associate at Sephora, they will squirt a sample into a little spray bottle for you.
Anon for this
I normally don’t mind perfumes on other people, even strong ones– but I once had a supervisor who wore vast amounts of Lady Million and it drove me nuts. You could smell where she had been after she left!!! (Perhaps in small quantities or on other body chemistry, it is okay.)
mamabear
Have you smelled the new Love Chloe? It’s a floral but it has a powdery note reminiscent of Chanel No 5.
Amelia
This entire thread just revealed to me the depths of my lack of knowledge of all things perfumery. But it makes me want to learn!
Lyssa
Me too!
Formerly Preggo Angie
OK… how do you focus during a conference call? I am often on conference calls, and if I’m not presenting, I find that my mind wanders… to Corporette… or I start looking outside my window… etc…. What strategies do you have to stay focused on a call?
MelD
I doodle. A lot. It’s really the only way I can stay focused since I’m a visual person.
Elle21
I have the same problem and force myself to take detailed notes throughout the WHOLE call even if it’s not a topic that I’m directly involved in. After the call, it takes only a few seconds to delete the irrelevant parts.
This stops me from day dreaming, making grocery lists, or reading Corporette during the call.
K
I’m a notetaker during conference calls too, except I take handwritten ones in a notebook, because if I’m on my computer, I’ll inevitably be distracted by an email or something. Sad but true and necessary.
Bunkster
Heh. I have this problem all the time.
I’m on a conference call at 9 AM every morning. 95% of the time the discussion really has nothing to do with me, but my boss has asked me to listen in.
Kady
Related question – how do you keep yourself from FALLING ASLEEP!!! (I’m old, shouldn’t I get a senior pass?)
spacegeek
So true! I’ve found that if I’m partly engaged in the discussion, I’m more apt to fall asleep. If I’m totally not listening then I’m fine, or if I’m totally involved, I’m fine. It is that following-but-not-really state that gets me every time! No suggestions, just empathy!
Lucy
My boss has a balance board – looks like a skateboard, with a roller thing instead of wheels, but it’s (apparently) for cultivating good balance.
How he manages it in a suit I’ll never know.
Kanye East
I have one of these; they’re actually not that hard in a suit. For an extra challenge, he should try them in heels and a pencil skirt. (I kid.) Or do squats. (:
MissJackson
Oh! My college roommate had one of these, but I had completely forgotten about it.
I stand up during conference calls if I don’t need to be taking notes. If my BigLaw office were more hip, I’d ask them to let me buy a treadmill desk because standing/walking helps me think. Unfortunately, it will roughly another millenia before BigLaw gets hip.
Kanye East
I use a stand-up desk most of the time, so, unfortunately, I still manage to zone out while standing. Maybe it’s time to bring the balance board in from home.
Lyssa
Detailed notes are good. I also found in law school that I felt more focused during lectures when I played solitare during class (gave my hands something to do without taking up too much brain power)- so that might work. Also, a hard and fast no internet rule (again, from class- sometimes thought that I could get on and just glance, only to find time and again that I had completely lost track of what was going on).
mamabear
Wait a minute…. we’re supposed to pay attention??
M in CA
Take notes. If you’re at a computer, tell the folks on the call that you’re taking notes on your computer, so when they hear you typing they won’t think you’re distracted/doing something else/commenting on Corporette.
Research, Not Law
I spend hours each week on conference calls. I hate it.
I turn my chair away from my computer. Otherwise, I can’t resist responding to emails, doing other work, or goofing off online. A coworker stands, which also gives a break from sitting all day.
I also find note taking to be helpful. I guess I’m old school – I do it with pen and paper. If you’re typing, please put yourself on mute! (*6 does it for most lines).
When I do inevitably space off and someone asks for my input, I got the tip to say “Excuse me, but someone just stopped in with a question. Where were we?” I feel guilty lying, but it saves face.
spacegeek
That’s a GREAT tip!
Erin
I arrange it so all of us who are from the same office are in teh same room for the call. It’s a lot easier to focus when there are 2 or 3 other people with you.
conbrio
I’m so mad about this:
I saw my doctor today for a routine appointment; I go every 3 months for a check-in and to get a prescription renewed. She informed me that the FDA has issued an opinion saying that it no longer approves this medication at the dosage I have been prescribed because it has been linked to a risk of potentially fatal abnormal heart rhythm.
I came home and looked it up on the internet, and the FDA opinion was issued 2-1/2 months ago. I can’t believe it took her so long to tell me. That has to be a breach of professional responsibility. She asked me today if there is a history of heart disease in my family (there is). She didn’t even know, or didn’t bother to think about it until today. Also, I just had this prescription filled on Monday, and the pharmacy didn’t say anything either. What am I supposed to do, follow all of the FDA’s activities on my own? I’m a lawyer, not a medical professional. I’m getting madder and madder about this.
Thanks for letting me vent.
karenpadi
I have the same frustration with the medical industry. Lawyers who don’t notify their clients of important and relevant changes in law lose clients and may be subject to discipline. Doctors who don’t, well, it seems there are no consequences.
The only reason for this that I can think of is that doctors have to see an extremely large number of patients who suffer from a wide variety of illnesses. As a lawyer, I know it takes time to keep my clients up to date and educated. I don’t think doctors have that time and they don’t have time to prepare for routine visits.
And yes, I do research all of the FDA and HHS guidelines for my conditions. Because doctors are so busy, it’s important to be an educated patient. It’s frustrating because doctors are also professionals and who shouldn’t have to do this. But it’s reality.
I’m just thankful that I am sophisticated enough to educate myself. I feel really bad for the people who are too ill to do this.
karenpadi
“we shouldn’t have to do this” not “who shouldn’t…”
b23
You’re right, doctors are extremely busy, and there are hundreds of thousands of drugs out there to keep up on. I just don’t think this is that big of a deal, honestly. Also, as lawyers, when we update a client on a new development, it is mostly out of self interest – Will that lead to more work? Is it an ongoing relationship such that I can bill for the research I just did? The medical field is just not like that.
MelD
I agree with you. I just don’t think it’s feasible for a doctor to know every single change that happens. In many cases people get a prescription for something for a year, fill it once, and never end up going back for a refill. It’s really more up to the pharmacist to keep up with new developments and inform people of certain risks when they are given each prescription. I’ve noticed warnings on some medications have gotten longer since I started taking them as a result of certain opinions. It may even be that the literature is included in the prescription bag and that a person may easily miss it.
Terry
I think this has a lot to do with the way medical records are kept. If they were all electronic it would be (should be) fairly easy to do a search for all perscriptions of a drug issued in, say, the last year.
Anonymous
Agreed 100%. Your health is ultimately your own responsibility. have you Googled any of your other meds?
karenpadi
Yes, that’s my 2nd biggest frustration with the medical industry! Places that don’t have electronic records, really?
My doctor does have electronic records but I just don’t see the medical practice using them in an efficient or intelligent way. Some of it may be HIPAA so I try to understand…
But then, we attorneys have attorney-client privilege and we seem to do pretty well with maintaining privilege and securing electronic files without selling client information to drug companies. /sarcasm (because, yes, I understand that there are culture/money issues in the medical industry)
Terry
What’s your biggest frustration?
karenpadi
See my above post. Really, it’s just the need to be an educated patient because so much falls through the cracks.
Bee
Something to know about medical records, electronic or otherwise…do not expect a hospital to know about previous history. Apparently the software doesn’t bring up prior treatment for a given patient in the same facility, something we learned the hard way when MIL was ill.
Anonymous
Always ask the pharmacist about the drugs you are taking. . . every time. They are more likely to keep abreast of the literature than your doctor anyway. That is just my experience.
Erin
Mind telling us what the prescription is for, in case someone else uses it?
conbrio
It’s citalopram. This doctor is a specialist who prescribes only a limited set of medications, and the FDA issued a directive that she not prescribe this dosage any more because it has determined that this dosage is potentially fatal. I think it IS a big deal. She told me today that she only has/had a few patients at this dosage. She should have contacted each of us right away when she found out about the FDA warning. It would only have taken a few minutes to do so. She is an independent doctor in private practice with three other doctors who have the same specialty; if she’s too busy to provide adequate care for her patients that’s nobody’s fault but her own.
If the FDA tells doctors that it no longer considers a particular medication safe, it has to be the standard of care that doctors then communicate that to their patients in a reasonably timely fashion. Any other standard of care simply does not make sense.
Anonymous
Have you set up a news alert for any of your other medication?
anony
AND I just had a mini-heart attack. I take citalopram. Off to research. THANKS for posting!
conbrio
Here’s a link to the FDA safety alert: http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/SafetyInformation/SafetyAlertsforHumanMedicalProducts/ucm269481.htm
Sara
Wow- thanks- this is in the past for me, but I took one half pill of citalopram once after coming home from Asia very ill (long story, turned out to be neurotoxin, but nurse was like “you’re just anxious take this ant-anxiety med”. I took it before bed, and woke up a few hours later with the scariest feeling I’ve ever had, as if I was about to die. Blacking out, sweating, panicked, hard to explain. It passed by the next day but it was terrifying. I went outside on my deck in the middle of winter trying to breathe. Never took it again. Reading the FDA notice you provided, I have both low potassium and a long QT heart rythm, so was at high risk of a very bad reaction to this drug- and apparently had one. I am so glad I trusted myself to take a half pill at first then never touch the stuff again. Thanks for sharing this info – how terrible.
karenpadi
I so agree with you! It “should” be a standard of care. But the medical profession seems to not be able to distinguish a legal “standard of care” from the supposed horrors of “evidence-based medicine” and “rationed care”.
Mistakes happen in medicine precisely because the profession is averse to setting and following “standards of care” in favor of “following the professional judgment of the doctor who happens to be there”. Most professions learned long ago that having standards (e.g., checklists) for discreet tasks prevents mistakes and makes for better outcomes overall. Having standards for routine matters provides a structure within which professional judgment adds value.
anon
I agree with you. If you had had a heart attack, I think you would have had a good basis for a malpractice claim. But thank goodness that didn’t happen.
Alsoanon
Uh oh. I’m having a mini heart attack too. What dosage? I’m at 60 mg a day, which my doctor told me was common in Europe. I just met w/ him last week, and he didn’t say anything. Off to research as well. Thanks so much for this PSA!
conbrio
I’ve been at 60 – the FDA says that’s no longer okay. I posted a link to the FDA safety alert above – just scroll up a little.
Erin
I agree that it’s a big deal, although I’m not sure whether it is incumbent upon the doctor or the pharmacist to notify you. I’m perhaps more troubled by the fact that the pharmacist apparently didn’t even know – at least your doctor knew, and told you, even though she didn’t proactively contact you in advance of your appointment.
Anon for this
Shit, I used to take that (but a lower dose). Glad I went off of it, since there is A LOT of history of heart problems (incl. arrhythmia) in my fam. Thanks for the update.
AFC
I take this med too! And I just had to go to cardiologist because I was having abnormal heart rhythm. I had to have a 24 EKG done. During this experience no one mentioned ANYTHING to me about this alert and no one suggested that it could be my medication.
Fabulous.
Mountain Girl
I am going to disagree a bit here. The doctor is looking out for you. She is requiring you to be see in the office for an evaluation every three months rather than just give you a prescription for a year or renew your prescription over the phone, etc. She is providing her due diligence by meeting with you and reviewing this on a quarterly basis. The fact that it got caught shows that the system actually was working.
Anon for this
I think this is required or at least general practice for doctors prescribing antidepressants specifically, rather than a reflection on the doctor.
Research, Not Law
Doctors are human beings, not computers. It sounds to me like the news came out between appts, so she was actually quite prompt. I agree that it would have been best to be alerted that and FDA change for one of your scripts had occurred, but a pull like that unfortunately isn’t possible for most clinics.
It IS bothersome that your pharmacist didn’t say something. They should be aware of changes like that.
I know it’s frustrating when you’re the patient, but 2.5 months isn’t long to disseminate information and install change through a complicated network, such as the medical system.
Anon
I couldn’t agree more.
ahm
ugh, I feel your pain. i had a similar experience a couple years ago where a doctor’s misdiagnosis and subsequent wrong prescription caused me almost a year of battling a very serious illness that had me in the ER several times and cost me (well, mostly my insurance but partly me) tens of thousands of dollars for meds. I agree with others who say that the best way to prevent this stuff is to just be a ridiculously informed patient and really take your care into your own hands. Ultimately my health issues got resolved because I did a TON of internet research, which resulted in me suggesting some meds/supplements to my docs and also finding a world-famous specialist who happened to be in my city at the time & getting an appointment with him (actually his protege, who turned out to be fantastic). Do I think I would be dead if it weren’t for this? No, but I think it saved me a lot of pain and suffering. I have also done research and asked questions of my parents doctors because my dad has a lot of health issues. I am pretty knowledgeable about all the meds/treatments/possible complications of his various conditions. I wish that it didn’t have to be this way, but I think that’s the state of healthcare system in America. And those of us who are intelligent and educated enough to really learn about issues and be proactive about our health management should absolutely do so.
I guess I don’t have any advice for you retroactively, but I definitely sympathize. One thing I would do if I were on any regular meds would be to set a google alert for the name of that med. It might seem weird but it would be a good way to know if something big comes up about it in the news. Another thing is to insist on seeing a specialist as soon as possible. I”ve found that in the last 10 years or so, in this WebMD world we live in, that I have used my general practitioner for absolutely nothing except regular annual physicals & pap smears, etc. Any other health issues I’ve had (GI stuff, allergies, skin stuff) I’ve basically needed to see a specialist immediately. I’ve found specialists to be much better at being up on current research, etc, which makes sense. But its also sort of weird when you have to go pay $20 just to be told you have to go see someone else when you already knew that (and that’s the good case scenario – the bad case is if the GP tries to just diagnose you and does it wrong). I hope that now that you’re off the meds everything will be fine.
AnonOne
Part of the difficulty here is that it is a generic drug. Were it a branded, marketed drug, the pharmaceutical company would have been required to inform physicians about the change. The requirements for generics are just not the same.
(Full disclosure, I work in pharma but on the medical side.)
AT
Late to the party, but this is a really good point. Also, I was shocked to learn that generics are generally not the same formula as the branded medications they are prescribed as an alternative to. They are supposed to approximate the effect or something, but they are not actually the same. We learned this the hard way when my brother was switched from a branded to a generic by the pharmacy and ended up having a seizure (which was what the medication was supposed to prevent)! [I don’t understand all the scientific/technical aspects of this, so I apologize if my description is not totally clear, but if you’re considering switching to a generic make sure you talk to your doctor about this.]
Lucy
I know you were just venting, but thank you: you just reminded a whole bunch of women to more carefully review all their medication-taking practices, and presumably those of their friends and loved ones. You could easily have saved a life with this PSA.
Star
I take a ton of different medications for a variety of medical conditions. I consider myself an informed patient and have researched my conditions and drugs prior to starting them. I have never, though, re-researched them or set up alerts for them! This is a great PSA and a great tip.
Remember to be your own best advocate. I started having some unexplained heart issues once. Doctor’s said it couldn’t be because of my meds. I specifically asked about my bc. They specifically said “nah.” I ended up stopping it anyway and the issues all went away. Later, there were class action law suits because of people having heart issues on it. Trust your body and your instincts.
anon
I know its Monday, but I have to hope that someone will still read this: I really think many of you are overreacting. I’m not trying to be dismissive, or mean, or rude, I just think this shows the really huge gulf between the way lawyers are trained to think and the way that medicine works.
Many medications can cause lengthening of the QT interval. They don’t do it in every patient, every time, some do it at any dose and some only at high doses. Sometimes a medication that can cause long QT might be life-saving, in which case your doc is going to give it to you anyway and follow you on multiple EKGs (easier to do when you’re hopsitalized) to see if you develop this.
Even then, only some small percentage of people with long QT will then develop a heart arrythmia. In fact, long QT is also an inherited condition and some small percentage of people are walking around with it now. Those people are the ones who really have to be careful about their medications, and their doctors will know this.
This drug went through the safety testing that all drugs which get released to market do. Is that screening fool-proof? God no, but it is enough to weed out bad effects that are common, happen quickly after starting a drug, and can be found in a small pool (say a few hundred) patients. Effects that are more rare (eg happen 1/100,000) we won’t find out about until a large population is taking the drug, over longer periods of time. This kind of adverse effect (long QT) popping up on post-approval surveillance is really common.
Basically, the risk to you was very small, and it sounds as though your doctor is very much up on the literature, monitoring you closely, and did the right thing. We as a society are unwilling to pay enough health care $$ (or to distribute them differently) to have MDs screen their panel of patients (could be more than 1000 ppl, say each on an average of 3 meds) and make phone calls/schedule extra visits every time the FDA releases a new medication warning.
anon
it’s monday morning (well, monday noon) and i’m reading and agree with you. thank you.
K
Any suggestions on how to have the “money talk” with your SO? My boyfriend and I are moving in together in a few months, with the ultimate goal of getting engaged in a year or two. Since we’re going to be essentially combining our lives and are clearly planning on a future together, I would love to sit down and have a candid discussion about our personal finances – debt, income, our spending/saving habits, etc. – and make sure we’re on the same page.
The only problem is, he’s the main breadwinner by far (he makes at least 4x what I make), and being the much lesser earner, I feel uncomfortable being the one to bring it up.
Any ideas on how to start this conversation with him? Thoughts appreciated – thanks!
karenpadi
I recommend having at least the initial conversation in the car when you are trapped and not facing each other.
I learned several years ago that men feel more comfortable talking about sensitive topics when everyone is facing the same way.
PE Esq
I’ll hafta use this car tactic! haha
Samantha
Second this!!
Michelle
this works great with teenagers too, when that time comes…
Bonnie
No matter how uncomfortable, you have to have that discussion. It’s going to be awkward, but you’ll avoid problems down the road if you start off on the same page.
Fiona
Two thoughts – first, if you are moving in together for the first time, you have an obvious opening for discussing finances (“how should we split household expenses when we move in?”). I don’t think there’s any magic to when to bring it up – while you’re out for a walk or drinking wine together on the couch, whenever it’s on your mind.
As for larger conversations about the future and finances, S.O. and I recently started reading personal finance books together. It came up in the context of both of us talking about how we want to be better about personal finances. It’s actually pretty fun to read a book together and then chat about it, and it helps you think about how you want to plan for your future together financially.
K
Oh, I like the idea of reading a book together – thanks!
anon
My boyfriend and I also read a personal finance book together. We also are both just interested in budgeting and investing, so the topic came up naturally and we both share info openly with each other about our finances. It’s a really positive way to have the conversation. Start by talking generally about a book or news story about budgeting or how to save money or how to choose investments, and then let the conversation take you deeper into more personal experiences and future goals.
Bette
I just moved in with my SO recently and I realized that its better to think of it as a continuing discussion on how to spend your money rather than a one off conversation that settles everything. Life is every changing as is our relationship to money.
I am totally of the anal, know where every penny is going, have a long term retirement savings plan, etc and my SO, while totally a responsible person, is distinctly not. I like geeking out over financial details but having long, involved conversations about how to manage our financial details just stresses her out.
I’ve learned that its best to have a series of short conversations about specific money management topics. That way I can keep the conversation focused on the one specific issue so it doesn’t seem so overwhelming and uncomfortable for her and its much less likely to take a turn for the conversational worst when its really narrowly focused.
Finally, I learned that its good to do a lot of homework before the conversation. It’s easier to present three different mutual funds (for example) that i think would be good to begin investing in rather than asking the totally open-ended question of what type of investment vehicle she thinks would best help accomplish savings goal X. That sort of open-ended question just totally shuts her down and stresses her out.
Seattleite
Just own it: “I feel uncomfortable bringing this up, because you make 4X what I do, but it’s really important to me that we discuss this.”
Look on it as practice; throughout your marriage, there will likely be LOTS of discussions you’ll feel uncomfortable initiating, but are necessary nonetheless.
Research, Not Law
This.
K
Thanks for this – I needed this reality check. This is good practice for the first of many ‘slightly uncomfortable yet necessary real life’ conversations we’re probably going to have as we start to build a life together.
Time to just suck it up and bring it up!
EM
Whatever decisions you come up with, they’re not written in stone and can be changed if they’re not working, and make sure that both partners are satisfied with the outcome. You don’t want to feel resentful about the arrangement, even if on paper it’s “equitable” or “fair” or whatever. I have a friend who makes much less than her husband, but they have split household expenses evenly, so she pays a much higher percentage of her income than he does. Basically, an arrangement like this, IMHO, creates a “poor” person and a “rich” person in the relationship. Not cool. Oh, and they also have kids.
SF Bay Associate
Kat, I love those earrings. Thanks for introducing me to Dana Kellin. I wonder if I could find something similar on Etsy… I’m willing to pay for quality, but these do seem very artisan-looking, so I’d rather support an Etsy artist if I can.
Kanye East
I reckon you could. (I was just sitting here considering giving myself a challenge for the weekend. Not to copy, mind you, but to work on my reverse-engineering skills.)
Anonymous
Kanye – are you the corporette/etsy seller who offered a discount to other corporettes? I’ve been eyeing some of your pieces and thought I’d check before ordering.
Kanye East
Yes; it’s 15% with coupon code CORORETTE. (:
Miriam
Can you please send a link to your etsy stuff? I’m not familiar with the site, but I’m curious!
Kanye East
Miriam: just click on my name, or etsy [dot] com / shop / gewgaws
Miriam
Thanks! I bookmarked your page.
Cee
I need to remember to visit your site next time I am in a treat myself mood (not today sadly, car trouble). Your pieces are really lovely.
Tika55
Please do! Those earrings are gorgeous, and we already know that you do great work!
GRA
Agreed!
Kanye East
It makes me flail with happiness that you like my stuff. Thank you so much!
mamabear
Kanye, can you recommend any of your fellow merchants (or yourself) for simple cabochon or “floating stone” rings made with semiprecious gems? Kind of a minimal stone-and-band-only kind of ring. I saw some in the book Parisian Chic by Ines De La Fressange. Iris says this type of ring is “essential” so I’m in a complete panic that I don’t have one!!!
(Uh, note for the irony-impaired. I’m kidding there)
Kanye East
Unfortunately I’m in the office more than the metal studio these days, so I haven’t done much real metalworking lately. (Also, I haven’t advanced past bezel setting yet.) But if you search Etsy’s handmade section for “tension set ring” there are a lot of results. These sellers look promising to me, and would probably do custom pieces:
hersteller
karadanieljewelry
RenaissanceJewelry
VincenzoTaormina
jewelrybyjohan
To see their shops directly, just plug in the shop name in the blank: www [dot] etsy [dot] com / shop / ____________.
Also I have to share this one link because I am in love with this piece:
http://tinyurl.com/3cxmjfo
And one last plug: I remember a commenter was looking for a pair of plain white gold huggy-style hoops (this was a while back). This designer has some really great, minimal & modern huggy hoops:
360JewelsElite
SS
Also check out these – http://oliadesigns.com/collections/1 – I discovered some of the designer’s work in a boutique in Brooklyn a few years ago and love it. A bunch of earrings are along these lines but less expensive. And once you’re on the mailing list, there are pretty good deals sent out a few times each year.
K in NYC
I posted a few Fridays ago asking for help when dealing with a new coworker who was intentionally undermining. Most of you said it either probably wasn’t really as bad as it felt or that the boss would see her for what she was doing.
Based on her behavior, as of Wed. afternoon, I was terminated from my position as the Director of a social service agency. I am both shocked and really hurt, plus unemployment only pays 40% of what my income was, so I’m scared.
Support please?
Emily I
Wow…I didn’t read your other post, but I am so sorry that you are going through this. Good luck with getting back on your feet.
Makeup Junkie
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. Not much comfort now, but karma will get her in the end
Sydney Bristow
Oh K I’m so sorry!
Lyssa
I am so sorry to hear that! I wish I had something more to offer you, but I think the best thing that you can do is take a weekend to cry and sulk, then make a strong action plan. Next week: Talk to someone from your company to find out if you can expect a reference (and try to get a better idea of what happened, possibly to clear up any misconceptions). Make a list of everyone that you know and start informational interviewing and contacting, make a hard and fast budget for necessities, find out what costs you can put off, etc.
Good luck.
A.C.
I agree with this. If you’re up for some unsolicited advice – decide right now how long you’re going to let yourself feel really, really bad and do nothing during that time (be it a weekend, a week, a month…) but feel sorry for yourself, cry alone and to friends, talk with a therapist, journal about it, go over and over it in your head, get angry, do all the stages of grief – and then, close the book on feeling that way.
Take all that energy and laser focus it on your next career move, networking, education, whatever that might be. You cannot grieve a job loss by termination (which is truly a traumatic event and needs to be processed) AND prepare & execute a successful job search at the same time.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Life is rarely fair, but the unfairness still can feel like being sucker-punched with a sledgehammer.
K in NYC
I am always up for advice :)
I am logically aware that a company who does this is toxic but emotionally still feeling a huge burn. Plus, since this was a very casual job (jeans and sandals level casual), I’ll need professional clothes to interview and such and I can’t afford them… gonna keep checking thrift stores.
Sent out resumes yesterday and will continue to do so.
Am a licensed social worker and trained life coach, so I’d love to start some side work as a distance therapist (as in therapy/coaching by skype or phone) to cater to people too busy or on the road too much for a 9-5 therapy place but I’m not sure how to advertise that just yet… any ideas?
anon
That could be a really exciting, fulfilling career transition! I’ve seen many life coaches who market their services through their personal websites, blogs, and twitter accounts. Here are a few examples that might serve as inspiration:
http://www.taramohr.com/
http://nonajordan.com/
http://rachelwcole.com/
Good luck! I am really sorry this happened to you. I was one of the people who responded to your cry for help a few weeks ago, and I am SHOCKED that it turned out so terribly. It seems so unjust. I hope it turns around quickly for you.
Anon for this
Try the Goodwill in Brooklyn (near Fulton mall), on West 18th (I think?) and on the upper east side in Manhattan. Those seemed to have the best selection of professional clothing, in my experience. The Housing Works in East 20th (or so) had a lot of suits too, but expect to pay $60-100 for two pieces there.
LadyEnginerd
I am so so sorry. That sounds terrible and scary and infuriating.
About advertising yourself as a life coach/therapist – can you start to develop an online presence and blog about issues you think are relevant to the demographic you’d be targeting (after all, they’re likely to be googling about their problems while on the road). Taking all of the steps to set yourself up as a small business might be overwhelming right now while you do a more traditional job search – could this be a way to put a toe in the water instead?
K in NYC
it’s a right to work state and all the company said they’ll do is verify that I was employed there, they don’t ever give a reference of anything different for anyone.
I have a friend at the company who could reference me if needed.
Anon
I am so very sorry!! Is there any way to contest the termination? Did you tell your boss what was going on? I know its scary but you will get through this and you will be ok. That’s not just a platitude. You’re obviously inteligent and strong to have risen to the position you did. No doubt, things suck right now, but you will survive. My thoughts are with you.
AK
Yikes. I’m really sorry to hear this. Take some time for yourself this weekend — make sure you have friends to be with, and remind yourself (as often as you need to) that this situation has no impact on your value as a person or a professional.
Next week, think about an action plan, because it’s possible you need to take some defensive action to safeguard your professional reputation, not to mention make plans to get on your feet financially. I went back to your original post and it seems like things unravelled surprisingly quickly. You noted that you were starting to keep track of things via email — do you still have access to those records? What kind of details were you given when you were terminated? I can’t help but wonder if such a sudden cut wasn’t due to some big action on her part, but rather that she flat-out accused you of doing something worthy of being fired. If anything smells fishy, it sounds like you may need to have a serious conversation with HR/your former boss and possibly hire a lawyer.
AK
**proofread, apologies** “but rather” should be “for example, maybe”
K in NYC
the company has one HR person who wasn’t responding to me when I was emailing and asking for help. I have everything from the company as proof of unreturned calls/emails from HR and from my boss for over a month. As for a lawyer, not sure if I’d have a case and even if I did, I can’t afford a lawyer and worry about whether I could go through that process would make me appear untouchable to future jobs.
Part of me really does wonder if I have the paperwork to back up a legal claim but for a company this toxic, I fear they’d try to trash me if I tried to fight, but since I can’t afford a lawyer, it’s a moot point!
Blonde Lawyer
Keep in mind that many plaintiffs employment lawyers work on contingency (you pay nothing up front, if you win/settle, they take 1/3) and almost all firms will do a free initial meeting to see if you even have a case. Sorry you are dealing with this!
Homestar
Yes, these types of cases are sometimes taken on contingency fees. If you are wondering about your legal rights it is best to go and talk to a lawyer now before any statute of limitations runs out. In my area, a lot of lawyers would offer a free consultation for a case like this, so it might be worth going to see one or two lawyers to see what they have to say.
Circe
Sweetie! Hugs! It will work out.
Research, Not Law
I’m so sorry!! I remember your post. You have the right attitude. That’s not a place you want to be.
You’ll rebound and be in a better place in the long run. At least you get unemployment and have a chance to plot your next steps. A lot of people (including myself) have spent time unemployed. It works out. Good luck!
Nonprofit toxicity
I am so sorry to hear this! It is absolutely brutal when a new employee gets the confidence and the ear of higher-ups and then fills them with all kinds of nonsense. I generally think the best of people, and assumed that my history with the org., positive contributions, work history, professional demeanor, etc. would speak for themselves. But that was before I found myself phased out based on invidious rumors that I could never track down or respond to. I had somehow been tarred and tried before I knew what was happening… So, sympathy in the face of this blow. It’s not about your professional worth, but about the toxic environment that would let such a thing happen. I’m a big believer in karma… I’ve gone on to much bigger and better things, and the one who brought me down, who knows…
Coalea
Hugs and prayers to you, K!
I saw your post and saw myself in it but did not reply because I did not want to scare/jinx you. I had a similar co-worker situation late last year/earlier this year and was subsequently terminated in mid-June. I’ve been living on a combination of unemployment benefits (50% of my salary) and my savings ever since as I try, unsuccessfully, to find a new job.
I completely understand how scared you feel – and if you are like me you are also angry! Know that you are not alone, and best of luck as you move forward.
K in NYC
aww, thank you for your thoughts then and now… wish you were local so we could commiserate over cheap coffee haha
MaggieLizer
You all have already given some wonderful advice on this topic, but I thought I’d put it out there and see if anyone has anything else to add….
My first deposition is next week. Tips?
TIA!
Blonde Lawyer
There was a post about this recently. Someone can probably pull it up for you! If not, I’ll come back and hash my advice out again when I have more time.
MaggieLizer
I’ve seen them pop up periodically (hence my caveat), but I’ve been pretty busy the past week or two so it’s possible I could have missed some of the more recent ones. I’ll take a browse over the weekend; thanks for bringing this to my attention. Please don’t feel obliged to re-post.
Blonde Lawyer
I hope my post didn’t come off snarky! I was trying to be helpful. I think everyone below covered my pieces of advice. My big one was to remember that silence doesn’t show up on the transcript so take your time and don’t get nervous if there are long pauses. You should have some standard instructions for the witness. You should remind them they are under oath, to only give verbal answers, that they can take breaks when they want but not when an unanswered question is pending, etc.
Remember that the witness can still answer a question if their lawyer objects. The lawyer should object and then say “you can answer.” If it is one where they don’t have to answer like atty/client privilege the witness still has the option of waiving privilege. So, if you get one of those objections you can ask “will you answer the question?” They can they say “no, I will follow my lawyers objection” or yes, I’ll tell you anyway.
Don’t start sentences with “do you know” or “do you recall” or else they will likely just say they do not know or don’t recall. Only ask that if it helps you if they don’t remember. If you want them to have an answer, ask it direct. “What was Joe wearing that night?” Not, “do you recall what Joe was wearing that night.”
Make sure the witness answers your question. If an answer takes you into a new territory, remember to go back and get the original answer. Make sure the answer makes sense on the record. If you ask where they were injured and they point to their nose say “may the record reflect that the witness pointed to their nose.”
If an answer changes following a break, make a note on the record that the witness had just spoke with counsel. If a witness hints at something off topic you may want to dig deeper. They may be afraid you already know it and are glossing over it. Example – simple car accident case. Plaintiff mentions, “oh I stopped working there after I was fired then I worked at ….” Did into why they were fired from the old job. It could be for lying or stealing and then you have impeachment evidence.
Have fun! You will probably be impressed with yourself when you read the transcript!
anonx1000
Taking or defending?
MaggieLizer
Taking.
Emily I
Try to avoid verbal throat clearing (ummm, ahhh, etc.)
PHX
Try to avoid verbal throat clearing (ummm, ahhh, etc.)
Anon
One thing to be aware of (its a huge problem for me) is respoding to the deponent with “okay.” You end up with a transcript that looks like this:
Q: When did X happen
A: November 4
Q: Okay. Where were you when X happened.
A: At home
Q. Okay.
You get the point. Take as much time as you need between quesitons. Its doesn’t show up on the transcript. Good luck and try not to be too nervous.
Anonabust
ME TOO! It happens on every single one. I never say um or ah or those types of things. It’s because I am trying to stop them from continuing in some cases but it just becomes a habit.
BMBG
Silence doesn’t show up in the transcript. Take your time to remember what you need from your witness, and don’t be afraid of long pauses!
CSF
I asked about taking my first depo a few weeks ago, and this tip really helped me. Just pause after every response, before you open your mouth! Someone suggested squeezing your fist, or doing something to signify a stop, instead of saying “okay” or “uhm.”
Just remember, silence is golden! Be nice to the court reporter, he or she can edit out your uhms if they are so inclined. And ask them for feedback when you are done, they see a ton of these!
Have a business card ready to give to the court reporter, so you don’t have to fill out a bunch of paperwork.
Know what the “standard stipulations” are, and if you want to agree to them.
Good luck, it’s not as scary as it seems from this side!
CSF
I took my first one September 21, so advice for mine would have been in the weekend thread either immediately before, or the weekend before that! If that helps you find the thread more easily!
Anonymous
Silence is also a good tool. Many people are uncomfortable with silence and will try to fill it. If you wait before asking your next question, giving the witness an inquisitive look, like your’re waiting for them to continue, often they will. It is often good if the witness just blabbers away. You want the witness to forget it’s a depo, to relax. Also try “please tell me more about that” after the witness has testified about something important. Opposing counsel may object, but it’s not a ground for not answering. Another good tactic to get someone blabbering away. As someone else mentioned, though, make sure you get a clear answer to the original question.
North Shore
Don’t be afraid — you’re just asking questions. Ask away, follow up, don’t be wedded to your outline. Have a cheat sheet about how you’re going to respond if opposing counsel is a jerk and makes speaking objections. And be mindful of how the transcript will read. I often see depositions fall into casual territory, but do keep in mind that if you want to use this transcript in the future, you need clear, complete questions. Keep up the formality on your end and you’ll get a more usable transcript.
Depending on your issues, feel free to ask about hearsay and rumors. If he doesn’t know, ask who would know. If he doesn’t have documents, ask who would have them. If he doesn’t know something, ask where he would go to find out and who he would ask. Those follow up questions can often lead to the answer later if you can’t get it from this witness.
And good luck!
anon
Remember to ask for a break to look over your notes when you think you’re finished, before you pass the witness, just to make sure you haven’t missed something.
M is for Mutiny
Similar to K in NYC’s problem (really sorry about that, K!), I have one coworker who is increasingly gaining more control over day-to-day operations in a small legal department. This person is a teacher’s pet of sorts, and while I’ve been really frustrated with the situation for several months now, the dissatisfaction is becoming more pervasive. I hear comments that the TP is assigned to certain projects and never contributes, notice that she is intervening when she hasn’t been asked to help, etc. Even people in satellite offices are starting to make comments, which was never the case before. I feel like it’s a situation that a larger group of people needs to come together to bring to a head, but I am not sure what to do.
I think the main concern is that it will be a situation like K in NYC is experiencing. For some reasons no one else understands, TP has a big pull over our department management, and we are worried if we say something we’ll just be laid off.
K in NYC
I only have a bit of hindsight yet but if I had it to do all over, the thing I’d do more of is to start job searching sooner. I thought that my work ethic, the fact that I’d brought in more donations and clients in the past 2 mos than ever in the history of the company, and the fact that the clients and funding sources liked me would outrank someone’s BS. Clearly I was wrong.
If this person has the pull, she is going to continue to have it, which means you’ll continue to be at risk and that stress is horrible and heavy. feel free to chat with me more, I’m happy to listen, especially since I truly get it. kryss.shane at gmail dot com
M is for Mutiny
Thanks K- check your email.
Coalea
@ M – I posted earlier in response to the K in NYC situation and will share my 2 cents with you as well, if you don’t mind!
Based on my own experience, I would say to listen to your gut and take action ASAP. Gather as much documentation as possible about what TP is doing and the impact that it is having on you and others. Assess who your allies are and make them a part of your plan. Work with your team to take your information to as many senior folks as you can. If your direct supervisors turn a blind eye, continue up the chain until you are heard.
And, as K commented, if the situation becomes untenable, start looking for alternative employment now. All the experts say that it is much easier to secure a new job while you are already working.
Good luck!
Need a Vent
There has been a lot of drama going around in my formerly completely team-spirit office. It is mostly due to one person going to people’s bosses behind their backs and blowing petty, irrelevant things out of proportion. Before today I was not involved beyond sympathizing with the victims, but this afternoon the Trouble Maker did it to me. And he didn’t just go to my supervisor, he went to the head of my agency who is both his boss and my supervisor’s boss. So I then had to have a closed-door discussion with the agency head about doing something my supervisor set up.
I’ve worked at this agency for almost 11 months and this is the first time I’ve been “in trouble.” And for something that I didn’t actually do wrong: the Trouble Maker just wanted to be involved in something that wasn’t any of his business.
I talked to my supervisor about it and she completely has my back and talked to agency head. My rear is covered but it still feels like a slap in the face. I thought Trouble Maker and I had a really good working relationship and now I feel like I have to double and triple check myself any time I say anything to him. Aside from not being an efficient way to do business, it’s simply exhausting to have to treat an adult like an 11 year old who might have his feelings hurt at any time.
Thanks for letting me vent Corporettes. Hanging on til happy hour.
btsbsc
any recommendations for a nice facial moisturizer? im trying to be good this winter and look out for my skin. between the freezing temps outside and the heater at work/my apt my skin freaks out and feels really tight and dry. i am also looking to get a humidifier, any thoughts on cool mist vs. warm mist?
Cb
I like Aveda’s tourmaline cream for cold weather but am also having really amazing results with just using a light almond oil. I was using bio-oil before but picked up the almond oil at real foods (UK whole foods) and put one on each half of my face. The almond oil was $5 and left my face glowing!
Kaylee
Along the oil lines, Argan oil is also amazing. It’s a little on the pricey side (when compared to almond oil), but I’ve used it in the past and was pleased with the results, particularly on my (at the time) oily, acne-prone skin.
Anonymous
What is an “argan”?
Erin
Let me google that for you… http://lmgtfy.com/?q=argan
Houda
It’s a plant that only grows in Morocco (North African country).
It is used for food as oil or to make a yummy paste with almonds and honey which is called “Amlou”.
Traditionally, women in Morocco would also use it on their skin and sometimes hair.
Now it is used for hydration, scar repair and hair care.
And as a Moroccan, I can give you an inside tip that this is the best oil for suntanning (when weather gets sunnier).
Erin
Clinique Face Cream SPF 30 is amazing. Good reviews on MUA: http://www.makeupalley.com/product/showreview.asp?ItemId=116430&Sun-SPF-30-Face-Cream-&Clinique&Sunscreen=
If you have radiator heat, I actually find that just placing a pan of water atop the radiator (and refilling it as it evaporates) counteracts the dryness caused by the heat.
Kaylee
I think it really depends on your skin type and your concerns (do you want it to do anything other than moisturize?).
My absolute favorite is Perricone Cold Plasma. Unfortunately, it’s quite pricey and, with saving up for severl big expenses, I decided I can’t spend $150 on a jar of moisturizer for now. I’ve switched to a different Perricone product (from his Super line), Omega Moisture. And I’m really happy with the results. I’ve also tried a few other products from the Super line, which is geared toward people in their mid 20’s to mid 30’s and I’ve been generally happy (also with the lower pricepoints than the traditional Perricone line).
Philosophy’s Hope in a Jar is also a nice moisturizer to start with if you don’t know exactly what you want.
K
The Body Shop has a Vitamin E moisterizer that I bought on a whim and really like; and it’s only about $20.
Anonymous
Aquaphor Healing Ointment works at night for me (background: I fly 6x/month to harsh climates with electric heating — static zaps are a way of life). No breakouts. Or plain old Nivea in the blue tub (I get breakouts from it though).
Fiona
I use Kiehl’s Facial Fuel, which is technically one of their men’s products, but it’s the best moisturizer ever. My skin is dry and flaky when I get out of the shower and oily by 3 p.m., and Facial Fuel helps with the dryness without getting greasy or heavy. And the salespeople at Kiehl’s claim it’s very popular among women customers too. =)
zelda
facial fuel also smells awesome!
CW
When it gets really cold, I use Clinique’s Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel To Go as a first layer, and then Moisture Surge Extended Thirst Relief on top of that. From there I put on sunblock, and then makeup. I got through all of last winter without any major dryness/redness/flaking, etc.
LinLondon
I second almond oil, it’s so good! I usually put it on with a few squirts of this other skin serum I have (Avene soothing hydrating serum) just to use it as sort of a delivery, since the oil can be a bit tricky to spread. It absorbs really quickly and doesn’t get icky or greasy or anything.
Drama
No matter how hard I try to keep my life drama free, it somehow seems to track me down. My close friend is in the process of divorcing her husband. They still live together, but in seperate rooms. Her and I, my husband, and his close friend all went to undergrad together. She came by my house recently and husband’s friend was there. He figured out she was getting divorced but they never really got to chat. She calls him to grab lunch so they can catch up. He suggests dinner on a Friday night because “it’s better for his schedule.” He recently moved back to the area for a grad program and is temporarily living w/ his parents. After dinner, he suggests they come hang out with me and my husband. He then pushes us to go out drinking with him. I quickly realize his goal is for us all to get drunk so they have to stay at my place and have an empty bedroom to hook up in. Sure enough, they both get drunk and stay in the same room. He apparently bugged her all night to have sex with him and she eventually did. While she is on bc, they didn’t use a condom!! Just like the discussion about teenagers a post back, she fits the bill of being lower self esteem, trying to please others, etc. But, it is no excuse for her dumb behavior. I happen to know that his ex had an STD too. AHHHHHHH. The next day he calls her acting all sweet like he wants them to start seeing each other. A couple days after that he calls and says he realized her life is too full of issues right now and they are better off if they don’t see each other at all.
She is pissed and feels used and hurt. She thinks he just wanted sex, planned it and got it. I agree but think she is just as liable for not seeing through it, going along with whatever he wanted, not using protection, etc. As much as I think less of him for pulling such a stunt on my drunk newly divorcing close friend, he is still a close friend of my husbands. I plan on just acting status quo when he is around but I don’t know if my close friend will feel betrayed if I am still friends with “him.”
To make matters worse, she is a sexual assault survivor, husband’s friend knew this, and I’m afraid that him just using her for sex could cause a relapse in her therapy. It took her a long time to get to the point of even being intimate with people again. I am so mad but at the same time I feel like she is an adult and was dumb too and not just an innocent victim here.
How do I be supportive? What is the moral high ground here? Is there a way to stay out of it? AHHHHHHH. BTW she has very few close girl friends so telling her not to talk to me about it really isn’t an option.
Erin
She’s an adult. I don’t know why you need to get further involved in this, unless she specifically asks you to. In that case, you can be supportive in the way that she asks you to be. Otherwise, just keep the status quo but make sure you don’t bring them together again.
Ellen
I AGREE with Erin. It is VERY Dificult to try and act as a refferree in these type of situation’s.
When I was in law school, there was this man, Lawrence (no last name’s please) who had a wife at HOME, and she ALWAYS made him cheeze sandwiche’s with an apple and a THERMAS with some kind of liquid.
Every day, he would come in and eat his lunch, and he wanted to be in MY study group. But b/c he was MARRIED, I told him it was NOT a good idea.
So anyway’s, he gets into ANOTHER study group, and he winds up haveing SEX with Linda, and then by the TIME he get’s through 2L, he DIVORCES his wife.
I said that was REELLY UNFAIR to his WIFE, after all of those packed LUNCHES. FOOEY on Him. FOOEY I say!
But I could NOT take sides b/c I did NOT even know her–only her sandwiches.
Drama
I guess you hit the nail on the head when you said “don’t bring them together again.” We frequently have cookouts, new years parties, whatever, and since she is my close friend and he is my husband’s close friend, they would normally both be there. I would be getting involved by purposely not inviting one of them to a gathering. We are all part of the same “group.” Currently, they are both invited to a big New Years bash so at least they both know in advance the other will be at that. I guess I’m picturing more of an issue if I invite her to come over and I say, oh by the way, “he” is going to be there and then she either gets pissed that I still hang out with him or refuses to come because he is there. I also don’t want to put her in an awkward situation by making her decline but I also would not want to not invite her to something just cause I know he will be there. I could totally see her being equally pissed if she found out I had a bunch of people over, including him, and hadn’t invited her.
Erin
I tend to think he sounds like a jerk and he’s the one that shouldn’t be invited, but you’re right, you can’t just not invite him without “getting involved” (and probably ticking off your husband). In that case, you need to invite both of them but just let her know that he’s going to be there. If she decides to decline, that’s her decision, but you shouldn’t make the decision for her by not inviting her.
If she decides to cut herself out of the social circle, it’s understandable, but it’s also the result of her own poor decision to sleep with him. You can’t fix it for her. Try to make time to hang out with her separately from your circle and continue to be a good friend.
(I wrote this with the assumption that it’s your female friend who will decide to decline invitations and cut herself out, not the guy, because the guy just sounds like a jerk who wouldn’t be that self-aware. I don’t mean to suggest that your friend bears responsibility for the hookup and the guy doesn’t.)
Em
I mean, yeah, she made some bad decisions. But there are reasons – not excuses – but pretty compelling reasons she made those bad decisions at the time she did. My thinking is that (a) she feels taken advantage of for a reason; let her vent. You don’t need to disown the other guy to her, but you can be supportive and acknowledge her feelings of being taken advantage of (and honestly, possibly raped if she was really that drunk and he was that coercive). And (b) your husband’s friend sounds like, frankly, a predator and someone you should make a point of not getting in a room with your vulnerable female friends in the future.
Drama
Agreed, and this is why I’m so torn. This is the first of this “predator” type behavior I have seen out of him and I’m only getting her side of the story. He certainly has some other issues (agression, post-war ptsd) but I’ve never seen them come out in sexual way against women.
As far as I know, my husband knows nothing about this so far. It is hard to not feel like I have to take a “side” and I feel like her side is the clear winner here. That said, I don’t feel like I’m in a position to decide that husband’s friend is a bad enough person that he is never welcome in my house or that they can’t be friends. The other predator from her past is also someone I knew (small school) and I did disown him without question, as did anyone else who knew what happened. But this situation seems different – – – unless I’m so close to husband’s friend that I’m not seeing it clearly.
anon
Sounds like he’s more of a “cad” than a rapist, and he took advantage of her vulnerability. Let her vent and cry on your shoulder, be supportive, but make sure she understands this guy is a close friend of your husband’s that you can’t cut out of your life, and continue to invite them both to social events you are hosting. They can each make the decision whether or not to attend. Of course, you have the possibility that he might take advantage of her again if she drinks at these events.
MelD
I don’t think you should avoid inviting him to your house entirely, but there are a lot of guys I feel really comfortable around when they start drinking. Primarily because they start to act in this sort of predatory fashion. If you do invite him to future events, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with cutting him off and/or calling a cab for him when you think he’s had too much and is starting to get inappropriate.
Seattleite
If you ‘saw it coming,’ as in figured out what he was up to, and warned your friend, but she slept with him anyway, then it’s on her.
If you didn’t warn her, I’m wondering why not. It’s not that hard to say, “Honey, you’re hurt and vulnerable, and I think he’s going to try to take advantage of that. Please be careful.” If saying even that much would have ticked her off, then maybe she’s partly responsible for her own drama.
Argie
Would you feel comfortable mentioning your impressions of that night to your husband? And getting your husband’s impression of his friend’s behavior that night? If your husband agrees that his friend was out of line, he can be the one that goes to friend to say “WTF, that out of line, don’t do that again”
Anonymous
I agree. This is something you can bring up with your husband.
Argie
And now that I think about it – why haven’t you brought it up with your husband yet?
girl in the stix
Surprised that all you lawyer ladies didn’t pick up on the liability issue. Whatever happened, happened under OP’s roof. Men have had claims (successful) against their homeowner’s insurance after giving a date an STD. Injury occurred on the premises. And OP did have prior knowledge of possible risk.
Bonnie
What? Show me one such sucessful claim. A lawsuit like this (consensual encounter between two adults) would be laughed out of court.
girl in the stix
Bonnie, This has happened several times in the past–man has herpes, gives it to girlfriend while consorting under his roof, she sues and wins/settles for damages. Personal injury is personal injury. Didn’t say it was right.
Nicki G
yeah, i thought giving someone an std was negligence per se. i could see someone recovering damages from a h/o policy
Bonnie
If it happened in the guy’s house yes but I can’t see how OP would be liable.
Bonnie
He doesn’t sound like a “predator” to me; just an average horny man. It doesn’t sound like she was physically forced into anything. Although he pressured her, she could have gotten up and left to go sleep on the couch. I think it’s unfair of her to put you in the middle of what was bad judgment on her part.
Jas
Has she asked you to drop him as a friend? Right now it seems like you’re picking sides when no one has asked you to. I don’t see why you have to decide who is to blame and to what extent. She feels upset, so be sympathetic.
Also, I agree with Em. Husband’s friend is a skeezy juicebox. If I were you I’d keep him away from all my female friends (I’d keep him away from me, too, but that’s your call).
anon
Agreed.
Anon
Not to be a jerk but I don’t see how what he did here was so evil? He, a drunk, consenting adult slept with another drunk, consenting adult.
Yes, maybe your friend is no longer happy with having done this but I think to in any way compare it to sexual assault is incredibly out of line.
I would just treat everyone normally. Just because she now regrets her one night stand does not make him a bad person. It just means that she may cringe with embarassment over a bad memory the first few times that she sees him.
If you thought this was such a well-thought out malicious plan from the beginning why did you go drinking with him?
Jas
The problem is the idea that he planned to manipulate her into sleeping with him. Yes, she voluntarily got drunk and voluntarily eventually gave into his repeated attempts to get her to have sex with him, but if he orchastrated an entire evening to break down her defenses, knowing this is not a choice she would make if she were sober and fully awake (which he must have, or why else organize things so she would be neither?), then that’s seriously messed up behaviour. I’ve known men who work the alcohol + sharing a bed + making a move when you’re asleep and not really with it, hell, I’ve been drunk and asleep and in that bed myself, and both of the men I’ve known who have tried it have been abusive and predatory towards women in general.
Drama
To answer the common question, I did tell her that I thought he was trying to get with her and that she had to decide what she was and was not comfortable doing before she got drunk and before she got back to my house. I went out because it sounded fun and she seemed to be okay with the situation. I think she thought he actually liked her and they could maybe end up dating or ending up together or something. When I say I “saw it coming” I meant I predicted he would try to hook up with her. I didn’t predict he would be a jerk to her and sleep with her and not want to see her again. I don’t think she intended for it to be a one night stand and I think we all though he was “better” than that.
Drama
I also want to add, if I didn’t go, the two of them and my husband would have gone out anyway.
MelD
I still stand by my thoughts that he is a total jerk when drunk, but how do you know he orchestrated the evening to have a one-night stand. It may have been that he wanted to pursue a relationship with her and then decided it wasn’t going to work out. Perhaps when he called her, she started talking about her husband or other issues and he realized it was too soon. I think you are assuming a lot based just on what she is telling you.
Anon
I think you just like drama. This really does not have to be a dramatic event.
Anonymous
Why is it that when men get drunk and have sex with a drunk women he is a rapist and she is a victim? Way to empower women!
The Bad Wife
Why don’t you mind your own business? Your husband has the right idea. Your friend is not a child and you should let her make her own decisions. You sound like her mother. Your husband’s friend is not your responsibility either. There’s no evidence of rape here. She sounds like someone who thrives on conflict and attention. I would stop worrying about her and worry about when she starts sloppily hitting on your husband (if she isn’t already).
The Bad Wife
Oh, and the reason you probably have a lot of drama in your life is that you seek out flawed people so that you can insert yourself into their decision making. Maybe because it makes you feel needed and important?
Anonymous
Buy her a copy of “Men Who Can’t Love”. I know it sounds terribly cheesy and god-awful, but seriously your description of the situation sounds like a case study from the book. If nothing else, it will make her feel like she dodged a bullet.
ANONI
So, I hired an event planner/coordinator to help plan my wedding in California. She provided staff and rentals and charged $XX per person instead itemizing the cost per item or service. She then charged a service fee and a sales tax on the total. I looked up the California tax regs and found that only rentals can be charged a sales tax, not services. She became hostile when I brought this up and knowing that the success of my event was in her hands, I backed down. What kind of recourse, if any, do I have now?
Erin
I’m confused. What did she do with the sales tax? Did she pay it to the state? If so, and if she didn’t really owe it, presumably she’ll be refunded and have to refund you. Otherwise, perhaps you were wrong and she was supposed to charge tax?
SB
Was there any mention of sales tax in your contract?
D
Depending on far out your wedding is. I’d be tempted to fire her. Who knows what other unethical things she’ll try to do…esp since she became hostile.
another anon
Totally. it is better to lose any deposit you have made than to have someone who feels negatively towards you around on your wedding day.
Miriam
This. She became hostile instead of explaining things. That sounds like she knows she is wrong and is being defensive. I wouldn’t trust her, and I would likely fire her. The success of your wedding is not in her hands. You have control over it.
mamabear
If the event is over, which I’m inferring, can you check with the state franchise tax board? I’m serious.
DC Association
I’m an event planner. Did your wedding already occur or is it in the future? I can’t tell based on your post.
ANONI
Sorry for the confusion – the wedding has passed. The event was beautiful but I still feel burned. My guess is that she charged all the tax and is pocketing it. The tax was mentioned in the contract and every time I asked her about it she became very defensive. I did not want to risk our event, so I obliged her requests and hope to deal with them now.
Erin
Is there any way to find out if she paid the tax? If she collected tax from you but didn’t pay it to the state, that is probably a crime as well as grounds for a civil suit.
mamabear
That’s why I recommended contacting the Franchise Tax Board. I think you can check whether she paid the sales tax to the state.
Or you can write her a letter suggesting that you will be checking with the Board, unless she refunds the amount of sales tax she charged on service.
DC Association
Yes, you need to see if she paid the tax, and how much. Since you already researched that tax cannot be charged on service, seems like she did inlude that and you are owed it back. She definitely can get in trouble for deceiving you. Find out and force her to make things right. I’m sure she is cheating others as well, so you are doing a service!
Baby shark
It sounds to me like she had to pay sales tax on the rentals and wants to pass that tax directly on to you as a line item charge instead of simply building it into the cost of her services (or perhaps in addition to as a nice way of nickel and diming her customers). It’s not really a tax issue, but a contract issue of whether the per-person charge was set out to be all-inclusive or whether she reserved the right to add these surcharges.
KathrynNYC
Any recommendations for a good calorie monitor? I am most interested in one that can be worn on my wrist. I’m not a runner…this would mostly be used for random gym classes and the elliptical. Thanks!
Jahmmy
I like the Polar A6. I think it’s an older model so it’s not to expensive, but has everything you need. It has a chest strap with a wrist monitor.
MissJackson
It’s been a long time since I bought my Heart Rate Monitor, but I also recommend Polar. I have an F11, which I do not think they even make anymore. If you’re going to use it at the gym, make sure that you get a “coded” monitor no matter what you pick. (If you do not, your HRM and others nearby can get crossed/combined, and you won’t get accurate readings.)
Love Lists
Paper planner…or electronic planner/task keeper…and what is your favorite?
Discuss. :)
Anonymous
Paper. Can make notes on, no battery worries, can keep all thoughts in one place, can use during take off and landing, one less gizmo/charger.
Love Lists
And by favorite…I mean what is your favorite brand/ product?
Anonymous
Letts. They look classy and lots of room for notes.
Seattleite
Electronic at work (Outlook Tasks)
Paper at home, mostly because I’m a slave to the computer/smart phone during the work week and am trying to unplug the tether at home. The exception is that my calendar will always be electronic…the backup in case of loss/theft is invaluable.
eaopm3
Me + Paper Planner
4EVER
Erin
I was always a Filofax girl, but I figured out how to sync my work Outlook with my Google calendar, and now I am an electronic girl. I like that I can see the same calendar on my work computer, home computer, and phone.
Missy
How do you sync Outlook calendar and Google calendar on an iPhone and on a Windows XP PC? Also, when I create a calendar entry on my iPhone, how do I mark it “private” for Outlook’s calendar? TIA!
M in CA
Electronic.
I used to be tried-and-true paper, but once I made the switch, there’s no going back for me. Like Erin said, I can access all my info from anywhere. Bonus: if I lose my handheld (perish the thought!), all my contacts, appointments, and tasks are still on the server so it’s not like I would lose everything.
I’ve been dedicated (ok, more like married) to my Blackberry since I made the switch from DayRunner in 2009, but am about to switch to the iPhone 4s. Siri seduced me.
zora
oh, that Siri… such a minx!
Kay
I like Graphic Image leather planners, I use the “notebook” one. It’s pretty, the leather is nice, the paper is great and I love the layout. It’s a weekly schedule on the left and a blank page for lists on the right. There’s also a monthly view calendar in the beginning of the book. I like having my weekly schedule AND a running to do list on one spread, and haven’t found a good way to do that electronically. Once I’m out of school though, I’ll probably switch to digital – iCal with iPhone sync, cause I’m an apple fangirl like that.
Lawyer and Mommy
Threadjack! Ok ladies, I would love some working from home advice.
I am a litigation associate at a small firm and just had my first baby. After my maternity leave is over, I am going to be working from home 3-4 days a week, and going into the office the rest of the time.
I am working part time right now, and that + taking care of the little one is tough. Any advice on making it work when working from home and caring for kiddos would be much appreciated.
Thanks in advance!
Blonde Lawyer
Are you going to have child care while working at home? I don’t think you can watch the kiddos and work full time from home at the same time. I think they are two seperate full time jobs. My friends that nannied hated working for mom’s who worked from home. The kids never understood why they couldn’t be with mom if she was right there. If they were acting up and mom needed quiet she would just come in and give them what they wanted to quiet them down. This caused future problems for the nanny. Don’t be that mom.
Diana Barry
Honestly, you need childcare for when you are working from home too. If you get a nanny, then you can still feed the baby during breaks from work. If you have a daycare close by, then you can go by and feed baby at lunchtime.
I worked from home 2 days/week when baby was 3-6 months old, and I had to do work basically the whole time I was awake (day and night) in order to get my hours in, bc he was being more awake all the time during the day and I couldn’t get work done when he was awake.
DC Association
Agree with posters – working from home is NOT a substitute for child care. You need to get someone to help you or you will be up every hour of the day trying to do it all!
Anon D
Do not expect to get work done when your little one is home.
I had to put my kid in daycare, and it turned out to be the best thing for everyone.
Research, Not Law
Ditto the childcare. Don’t take it personally. It’s just a fact. It’s not possible to do a full day’s work and care for a child.
The only person I know who successfully managed to work from home for an extended period with a baby had a nanny come while she disappeared into her office just as if she were at work.
Michelle
agreed with all, you just can’t work from home if you’re the one caring for the kid (kids?). It is incredibly difficult to focus in short, uncontrollable, variable and unpredictable bursts of time, and you’ll be completely exhausted with a million things to do around the house and those alone are hard to fit in with a newborn. Get someone to take care of the baby while you’re working (and, if you can swing it, for an hour or two while you’re NOT working, so you can do such niceties as shower and do the laundry).
Working Girl
You must get child care. There is no other way. In fact, most bigger firms require you to sign a telecommuting agreement certifying that you have child care on the days you work from home.
I found it much easier to go into the office after I had my baby. I could work efficiently and then come home and focus on him. The separation was great once he got past the first five months or so. But it is nice at the beginning to be close to them, especially if you are BFing.
Curious
This may be too late to get good responses, but I’m curious as to your firm’s insurance coverage of infertility treatments. My firm’s coverage basically covers about 90% of all treatments, with a lifetime max of $10K. This will not even fully cover one round of IVF. On one hand, I feel extremely fortunate that it’s covered at all (I know many people pay out of pocket for everything), but on the other, it seems strange to have such a low amount when IVF is so expensive. I’m just curious about other policies (if known). Thanks.
Anon
Our insurance (through my DH, major tech company) provided the same coverage. I think it’s typically a rider that is purchased with group health plans, and there isn’t much variation among them. It is better than nothing. We were fortunate that our one round was successful (only retrieved one egg, tho), and we did not spend our max, even though I had an extended stim period. Some of my procedures (leading up to IVF) were covered under my general plan, so you might be able to save $$ that way. Sincere good wishes! IVF is a day by day, highs and lows sort of ordeal. I hope it works out for you.
Tika55
I think our lifetime max is $20k, but I work at a company that is widely considered to have really, really good health care benefits.
K
I work for a company with great health benefits (not a law firm though), and I know through a coworker that our insurance covers 3 rounds of IVF (she got pregnant on her 3rd round and now has a gorgeous 2 year old baby girl). This was in 2008 though, so I’m not sure if things have changed, but I don’t believe they have.
Anonymous
Has anyone ever used Vaniqua and/or Aldactone for unwanted facial hair? Thoughts? My gyno recently prescribed both and I’m going to try it, but I’m interested to hear other experiences.
Regular but anon today
I use Vaniqua and have for several years. It has worked wonders for my every darkening facial hair. It has seriously been almost life changing for me!
Anonymous
Original poster here. That is good to hear! Did it stop growth altogether? Or make it slower growing? Or lighter? I have been plagued with increasingly problematic hair on my chin, cheeks, and upper lip since I was a teen. The idea of finally having a real solution is amazing.
L from Oz
9Aldactone made me really sick – I understand this isn’t a common side effect, but I would be rather wary of trying it f I were you.
Anonymous
What kind of bad side effects did you have from the Aldactone?
L from Oz
This is a reply to Anon, below – I couldn’t get it to work otherwise. I felt queasy constantly, and could barely eat anything. As soon as I stopped taking it, my appetite came back. I also had substantially less energy than usual. My doctor said this is unusual, but who knows. Anyway, I take Androcur these days, in combination with other therapies, but my hormones are really, really dodgy, so you may have a better result!
Anon for this
Nothing like getting a request for an RSVP when you haven’t even received the invitation. I chose too look at the positive side and think this gives me sufficient excuse to bow out of the event I really didn’t want to go to! Awesome.
Anon for this
to look, not too look
Why do I not notice that until RIGHT after I hit submit?
MelD
What is up with this Default Widget 1 and Default Widget 2 that I’m now getting on the right side? Anyone else seeing this on every page?
Little Lurker
Guess who’s back? (back again) LL’s back! (tell a friend)
The self-imposed Corporette fast is over, and I’ve returned to lurk like a PRO.
My work schedule for the next week will be chaotic, but you’ll probably see me handing some LL points here and there.
I will be adopting another alias soon; +250 points to the first Corporette to guess correctly!
Missed you all (especially Ellen),
LL
PHX
Yay! Welcome back!
Anon
1 million points for your return! Welcome home, LL.
Sydney Bristow
Hooray! Welcome back!!
Alias
Will it be Big Lurker? Little Commenter? Lucite Levitator? Little Litigator?
Little Lurker
+20 points for playing, but it’ll be none of those. ;)
I remain little in size and age but am not in law and sadly cannot levitate…
Coach Laura
Yay! Welcome back.
Kay
Out of curiosity –
What is the exact wording of your personal phone voicemail message?
punk rock tax attorney
“You’ve reached [phone number]. Please leave a message.”
Seattleite
“This is Seattleite. I’m either at the range or my phone is lost in the bottom of my purse. Leave a message and I’ll call you back when I run out of ammo or find my phone.”
Many of my messages start with laughter. But note that my day job clients don’t have this number.
Obviously, I’ll change the message if/when I start looking for another job.
Kay
lol that’s funny :)
PHX
I am so stealing your outgoing message, minus the “at the range” part. That’s hysterical.
zora
“Hi, this is zora, leave a message.”
im a fan of *super short* message: at this point we all know why someone is not answering the phone, and what to do after the beep, right? is there really a need to spell it out everytime? (exceptions made for genuinely funny messages, as per Seattleite below) ;o)
anon for this
Did anyone see the article on Above the Law the other day by the People’s Therapist? I usually can’t stand him, but his most recent article I felt crossed the line. It essentially advocated grossly inflating one’s hours because “everyone does it” and the firm “expects you to.” This strikes me as HUGELY unethical and disturbing. As a new lawyer, I don’t know what to make of this. Since this is an anonymous forum, I’m hoping people will be honest–is this true? do people really do this?
law talking girl
Yes, most associates and partners/shareholders at firms inflate their hours. No, it isn’t right. The legal industry needs to find an alternative to the billable hour.
Nicki G
I think a lot of these bills are cut down before they’re sent to the client, or negotiated for certain clients, not just in law, but in other industries too. Then the clients feel like they’re getting a deal.
anon1
I find the People’s Therapist to be very accurate about BigLaw life (for some people). Some people love BigLaw, some hate it but manage to stick around for a few years, and some (like me) are sent into depression/anxiety after a few months. Will seems to fit best in the second category but his columns are also helpful for me (after 6 months of therapy–it validates a lot of what I felt).
This column–I think it’s mostly true. I worked for a partner who billed 2400+ hours a year in a niche where it’s difficult to do that–even when she was on maternity leave for 3 months. I saw a bill for a client meeting I attended with her and a senior associate. I did most of the prep work and the lions share of the time-consuming legal leg work. I billed 3.75, the senior associate billed 5.5, the partner billed 7.5. So do I think padding happens? Yes. Is it encouraged? No (wink, wink). Is there pressure to pad? Heck yeah.
I think most padding occurs as a result of carelessness. You forget exact hours but kind of remember what you did. Do you count a trip to the bathroom? (I do because I usually pick a time to go when I need to think about what I’m doing; sitting at desk thinking=sitting in bathroom thinking). Do you count the time you spend worrying about the case in your car while driving home? (I do if I have a revelation or some inspiration about the case.) Do you half-bill after two drinks? (Yes, this was an official policy at one firm I worked at.)
Fact is, lawyers are human and can’t turn on and off like robots. Our subconscious is going to hash things out whether we are billing for it or not. Overall, I try to be fair to my clients. If I’m distracted all day (like today), I scale down my time. If it was a case that required a lot of “chewing over”, I might round up my “official” time but stay within budget and still never even come close to the actual amount of time I spent thinking about the case.
Overall, I think most female lawyers tend to round down their time because they “shouldn’t bill for some activities” like following up with a paralegal or pinging a client. So I don’t feel bad about rounding to the next 6 minutes–even if it was 5 minutes extra. Believe me, compared to what I’ve seen on bills, that’s nothing.
Anonymous
I work for a major insurance company for complex litigation. Without a doubt I can tell you we see firms padding. Most of them end up shooting themselves in the foot however because they overreach (think annual bills of ~2m versus the 650k that it usually is) we catch it, refuse to pay the excess and simply won’t go to them for new matters.
Kady
I saw lots of billing inflation: a very typical partner behavior would be noting the start time for discussing a deal issue with an associate (me), then while “working on the matter”, the partner would take a few minutes to read politico, take a personal phone call, talk to a colleague who poked their head in the door, write a couple of unrelated emails (which he would separately bill for at the end of the day), have the associate do a markup while sitting in the partner’s office (while he browsed the internet some more) and then, 3 hours later, note the end time for working on the matter.
I don’t think Will was advocating billing inflation. I thought his point was, if you are ethical, you put yourself at a huge disadvantage if you want to succeed in a firm, because the firm will always take billable hours over ethical behavior.
MJ
Totally agree with this. I am always honest, and it makes me SICK to hear how f’ed up billing is. At one point, my dad even told me, “Play the game!” and I said, “That’s not a game I want to play!” Ridiculous.
I have seen partners “write up” (e.g. grossly inflate) paralegal and associate time if the timekeepers were “too efficient.” I have seen clients double-billed, many times. I even was party to a situation where hundreds of hours were billed to multiple clients for work that was never done, and the firm’s response was to “do the work again but don’t specify that in your timesheets.” Thank goodness I no longer work for that firm.
Lawyers, for being as ethical as they should be, are a slimy competitive bunch in biglaw.
Will’s article was right on. He was no encouraging dishonestly but rather noting that if you were honest, the deck was stacked against you.
Also anon for this
I don’t pad my time as in make stuff up. I try to knock off time I spent chatting with colleagues or responding to an unrelated email if the clock was running for another client. If a distraction is less than 6 minutes though, I don’t bother knocking it off.
That said, I recently had to access our billing software to fix an error on one of my client’s monthly bills. I hit the wrong button and somehow got a report of how much each lawyer in my office billed per day for the month. I didn’t even know I had access to such information! I immediately noticed that people who come in after me and leave before me are billing way more than me. Do they just screw off less? Do they just bill despite the fact that they are screwing off? Do they work a lot from home? Or are they blatantly lying? I will never know.
I will say, I am a lot less precise when tracking my time for contingent fee cases when the client is never going to see a bill. Those hours still count towards my billable goal. Today I spent some time reading tips on settlement negotiation online. I billed that to a contingent fee case where we are in active settlement talks. Since that is info a lawyer should already know, and that I was reading more for fun, I wouldn’t bill that to an hourly client. But, I don’t think it was unethical to track the hours where they were never getting passed on.
I left a firm where half the associates were on insurance cases and their hours were always getting written off (and not counting!) because they couldn’t bill the client that much. The other half worked for companies that paid whatever was put in front of them and could bill for everything. Guess who got all the bonuses and promotions? I was on the insurance side and saw the writing on the wall and am very glad I found a better atmosphere less focused on the billable hour!
conbrio
I recently encountered a law firm that has its own proprietary billing software that requires all timekeepers to enter time contemporaneously. The firm’s rule is that if you read an e-mail at 10:00, you bill it at .1 hours, even if it only took you a few seconds to read the e-mail. Then if you read another e-mail on the same case or even in the same thread at 11:00, you bill another .1 hours, regardless of how long it took to read that e-mail. And everybody who receives an e-mail is required to bill for reading that e-mail. You could easily bill an hour or more for spending a minute or two looking at e-mails. This is one of the most extreme examples of overbilling I have ever seen – I was appalled.
conbrio
Oh, and by the way – I recently started keeping track of my time using a method suggested by a corporette: I created a grid with a slot for each tenth of an hour, and I print out a blank copy every day and carry it around with me (tucked into the back of my legal pad) everywhere I go, so that I can constantly jot down what I’m doing and when. This way, when I go into my boss’s office and we discuss five different cases, and he gets half a dozen phone calls and other interruptions, I can actually capture the time accurately instead of struggling to remember what on earth I did all day. It has helped me immensely – thank you to whoever suggested it a few months ago!
Amelia Bedelia
hmmm – can you go into a bit more detail about that grid? it sounds very interesting and very helpful.
Z
I started using the same grid a few months back! Here’s the link: http://www.timemanagementforlawyers.com/articlesdownloads/. I use the timekeeping grid. I keep a stack printed out in a small binder, and a label a week’s worth each Friday afternoon or Monday morning, to plan the week. I use small post-its to designate appointments on each day a week in advance, and then I remove the post-it and write a more descriptive time entry as the event happens. I also make to-do lists for each day and stick it on the back of the prior day’s page (so that it’s on the left side when the binder is open, with today’s day on the right side). Then I tick things off as I do them. This also helps on the days that I’m too distracted to even fill in the time sheet – it reminds me what I planned to do that day, and helps me recreate time entries later.
I think that the bill padding pressure is very firm-specific and even partner specific. In my practice area and with the partner I work for, I know that it is more important to have a good realization rate (i.e., he doesn’t have to write down my time and the clients pay my bills). I’m also at a small firm that’s a spinoff of a big firm — one of its selling points to clients is that we have big firm experience with small firm rates. Thus, there is a pressure to bill reasonable amounts, leading to a lot of self-editing on my part. Took me 10 hours to draft a brief? Should have taken me 5. So that’s what I write down. I find that the pressure to be efficient increases the more senior you become, so while I was much more honest about writing down every second as a first or second year, I’m more inclined to think about what can legitimately be billed (and is likely to be paid) as a seventh year associate.
Amelia Bedelia
thank you – will definitely check this out. I have been losing a lot of time lately because I have so many floating projects.
K in NYC
Would any of you ever considering paying for either therapy sessions or life coaching if it could be done by phone or skype on non-traditional hours (thus being able to be done while you are anywhere and not taking away from your work day)? If so, how would you go about finding such?
I am considering starting a side business doing this and am trying to research what type of advertising might work once I can afford to pay for it.
Erin
The NYT had an article about therapists who use Skype a few weeks ago. You should read it; it made many interesting points.
I conduct a lot of work over Skype, and I consider it a poor substitute for a face-to-face meeting. For that reason, it’s worth it to me to spend the time to actually go to my therapist’s office. I would appreciate the possibility of Skype sessions when I’m out of town, though.
MJ
CHeck out Breakthrough.com–my college dormmate, Mark Goldenson, is one of the founders. It was in that NYT article.
MP
I would definitely do it – yes for the convenience factor, but also for the anonymity factor too. I feel very private about something like this and wouldn’t want to have to explain to co-workers why I was stepping out or leaving early for an appointment. Something remote would be great.
As for advertising, I do everything through simple google searches or yelp (doctors, salons, massage therapists, etc.). Also, when people are quoted or featured in magazine or newspaper articles, I tend to view them as more legitimate than just a random website. And, of course, referrals from friends count a lot too – probably more than anything. So those are some ideas that may not actually cost anything (other than perhaps setting up a website).
Good luck!
K in NYC
Will work on those, thanks :)
Erin
I actually found my counselor through a search on the Psychology Today website – you can search by specialty and by what insurance they accept. You should find out how to get listed on there.
Also anon for this
I would! I don’t have time during the 9-5 to make it to a therapist and a chiropractor! Luckily, I only saw the therapist short term for serious flying anxiety but I’m sure it is super tough for those that need it for regular maintenance.
I take an ADD med prescribed by a psychiatrist and I hate sitting in his waiting room. I work w/ the mental health population and don’t want to be seeing clients while I’m there to get my meds too. I’m sure others have this concern in offices with multiple therapists. I think skype gets around that.
Also, a family friend suffered a bout of severe agorophobia. Not only would she not leave the house, she didn’t want anyone coming over either. Her first step was phone therapy. I bet Skype would have been a great second step.
K in NYC
any ideas on how to market in a way that your family friend or you might notice and feel compelled to call?
Remote coach
This Doctor does remote coaching for people all over the country from her home office (and some in-person visits if needed). She gets business from google searches, referrals and meeting potential clients at conferences.
http://www.physicianleadership.com/gaillour.htm
KM
Hi K in NYC,
I’m sorry to hear about the difficult ending at your last job.
Here’s a helpful site re: ethical/ legal issues in tele-health:
http://www.zurinstitute.com/telehealthresources.html
If I was creating this type of business I would seek consultation with an experienced LCSW and would spend a good deal of time considering possible ethical dilemmas, including how to handle safety concerns/ mandated reporting for clients who are outside your local area. I’m not aware of any insurance panels that include this type of therapy– are you planning to be private pay only? If so, I think the best advertising would be a professional website that strategically uses the search terms you would imagine potential clients would be trying. Best wishes as you consider what comes next!
anon
I did phone sessions with my therapist for several months when I was living in another city. It worked just fine. But I already had a relationship with her. My ex also used skype with his therapist, but again, he already had a relationship with her when she moved. I think its a great idea, but I do think some in person relationship-building is necessary.
anon
So, let’s say you want something very, very expensive – like a $2,000 purse – and you have the money for it in savings but really shouldn’t use it because that’s not what the money is for. But you REALLLY want it, and you keep wanting it for months and months…. how do you get it out of your head???
karenpadi
Buy it. Really. If it’s a mistake, you’ll know it and return it. But some of my best purchases were splurges at the time.
Houda
one of the moments where I hate living in a part of the world where you cannot return things…. sigh
non
Well, what IS the money in savings for? Are you saving for a specific purpose? Does the savings contain your emergency savings, or just the general “money I haven’t spent yet or budgeted for an purpose”?
Sounds like you should budget some mad money for such a splurge occasion.
Alias
Have you considered getting it used or something similar from a consignment shop?
anon
OP here –
looked everywhere for months but nothing comes close and no used options that are more than a couple hundred dollars cheaper – it’s a new/popular piece.
I have “mad money” budgeted, but it would take 6 months for it to add up to that much. The savings is general emergency savings, so I really shouldn’t touch it… I’ve got no significant bonus or gifts coming any time soon, either.
I really just need to give up on it, but…
Anon D
Do you have any debt? If not, and you have plenty of savings, then go for it. Especially if you don’t have kids yet!
Erin
What are your savings for? You can’t pay your rent or buy groceries with a purse. If your savings are intended to cover those expenses in the event of an emergency, don’t spend it. However, if you’re saving for some abstract future purchase but nothing specific, and you really really want the purse, I don’t see why you shouldn’t buy it. It’s not the most responsible purchase, but if it’s more important to you than your abstract future purchases might be, that’s your call.
If you’re on the fence, I’d say it depends on how much money $2,000 is to you. Is that a month’s savings, a year’s savings, or more? For me, it would be over a year’s savings, and therefore I would never spend that much money on a purse.
Anonymous
I’ll add: Will you use it? How often? Do you keep buying something just like it?
mamabear
that’s my pitfall – I deny myself the splurge and keep buying cheap imitations that don’t satisfy me. I would actually SAVE money on the splurge.
signed, your enabler
Miriam
I’m the same way! I’m extremely frugal, but the things I buy tend to look worn out quickly or are not versatile enough. I say, if something is classic, will last for years, and you will get a ton of use out of it, then it’s not terrible to splurge.
A Regular Lurker
So…I didn’t get the job. I’m not currently unemployed, so there’s that, but my situation is (and was always intended to be) kind of temporary. This was the first thing that had looked promising (i.e., I actually wanted this job, and they seemed to like me) in quite awhile.
I’m just so sad. I’d throw my law degree in the trash and start over if I had any realistic idea of what else I might do.
meh
Oh, honey, right there with you. Currently employed (but woefully under-utilized) and just trying to figure out the next steps to get out. Hugs.
Unsub
I’m so sorry. As one who is currently seeking employment, I feel your pain. I’ll tell you what I tell myself – it will all work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it is not the end. Hang in.
L
For some inspiration..
I am a lawyer and was laid off last year, and was unemployed for the better part of the year. At first I was a complete mess. One day I woke up and decided I was out of a *job*, not out of a *career*. I used my down time to meet people and do things to further my career (speak, publish, etc.), and one day things turned around. I landed a great job, and now because of all the work I did during my down time, amazing opportunities are opening up (adjunct professor position, bigger speaking opportunities, etc.). Chin up, ladies! I feel for you.
DC Association
I second this. Not sure of where you live, but in DC there is an organization called Greater DC Cares, which brings together non-profits with professionals offering pro-bono services. You could volunteer there and offer free legal work to said non-profits, therefore utilizing your degree and getting practical experience, and also helping a cause (of course I say this not being a lawyer and not knowing what kind of law you practice, so maybe this is totally out of the ballpark).
so, see if there is a similar organization you could join. You never know what kinds of connections it could lead you to!
Alias
I’m sorry to hear this. BTW- is this formerly the Little Lurker?
A Regular Lurker
Thanks for the sympathy. No, I’m a different lurker – nowhere near as witty as Little Lurker, I’m afraid. :)
Monday
Hang in there. So many of us are or have been in this situation. About a year ago I came very close to getting a job I REALLY wanted, and the disappointment after I heard the rejection was absolutely crushing. Like you, I had a job, but needed to get out. (I’m not a lawyer, but also have an advanced degree that many of my peers regret getting…and paying for.)
I had a happy ending, and I’m confident you will too. Give yourself some time to be sad about this, and then hit the job ads again full force. You must have already been doing something right to have made the short list on this job you liked so much.
And– you should lurk less and comment more! There’s a lot of support to be found here. You might also want to adopt a power alias if it helps you pull out of the funk. Mine was “Monday” because I needed a new beginning. It worked.
Little Lurker
ARL, I’m sending you a giant internet hug. My job search lasted nine months, and I was rejected from more than one org that made a point of telling me how much they liked me. Which, of course, made it sting all the more.
Before your current position ends, line up some activities to do during the day. I don’t mean errands or going to the gym — I mean volunteering, or massive household projects, or crafty things, or writing that novel. The worst part of being unemployed is spend all day writing/procrastinating on cover letters and having nothing but rejections to show for it. If you paint your kitchen or tutor a child or build model airplanes a few times a week, you’ve accomplished something! Plus it gives you something besides your job search to talk about in social situations.
Love love love,
LL
PS Being witty just takes practice. ;)
Pam
Has anyone here even used an online interior design service? Any recommendations? I need some help with space planning and for various reasons would find an online consultation much more convenient than having to meet with someone, especially since it’s for a fairly discrete scope of work.
GRA
Bryn Alexandra Interiors … Sweet girl and very talented.
brynalexandra.blogspot.com
Grad School Job Hunt
Hello all! I will be graduating from graduate school in September 2012. However, due to a prior personal commitment, I will not be able to start working until January 2013. How should I time my job search? Can I just say my expected start date is in January 2013? Will I need to tell someone why (I’d rather not)? Should I just look for jobs that begin in January 2013 at the earliest? Thanks.
No, this commitment is not “bad.” Just personal.
ahm
I would guess it depends what field you’re in? My fiance is graduating from grad school in June 2012 and currently applying to jobs that start in Sept. 2012 because that’s how academia works. In my experience, most corporate jobs, i.e jobs without a definite start/end date, want you to start as soon as possible and would definitely not hire you now for Jan. 2013. I’d say your best bet is to begin your job search casually now (or whenever would be normal if you wanted to start in september) but focus more on just networking, meeting people, learning about your field, and applying to things that have a posted start date of Jan. 2013 or later, like fellowships, etc. Let everyone in your network know that you’re looking for something to start in January 2013 and take informal lunches, meetings, coffee etc. Then come Oct-Nov 2012 start ramping up your search (assuming your personal thing doesn’t prevent you from job searching) by sending resumes to every posted job you want and calling up all those people you had coffee with before and asking them if they have any openings.
LadyEnginerd
In my field, PhDs start their active job search 6 months out from their potential startdate. I had an interview 6 months out and offers 4-5 ish months out from my proposed start date, which is normal in my little corner of the universe. In addition to networking early and often, I suggest trying to go to a conference around when you’re kicking off your active job search to really kick off the process.
Erin
I don’t think you need to look for jobs with a start date specified in January or later. Many employers post jobs in advance of their needs, so unless the job posting specifically says “immediate hire” or “must fill by X date”, go ahead and apply. If you see a job you really want but it says immediate hire, I’d apply for it anyway, because (in my experience) HR often delays things so that an immediate hire still takes 3 months to get on board.
I also wouldn’t specify in your cover letter that you aren’t available until January 2013. The next year sounds far away even if it’s really only 2 months away, and this could get you screened out. Also, many employers have a preferred start date in their head (even if they didn’t post it in the listing) and will screen out candidates who aren’t available, but once they have a preferred candidate they’ll be willing to negotiate on the date.
I think you should start applying 4 months or so in advance of your intended start date, so in August 2011.
ahm
Maybe its just my field (law) but it seems that everyone who is hiring right now is hiring because they have a very immediate need (taking out formal things like the law student OCI process). So yes, while it can take 2-3 months from application to starting or even an offer, I think you will definitely be asked in interviews when you are free to start and I think if you say you can start immediately and then get an offer and turn around and say “oh no, just kidding, i actually can’t start for another month” that would reflect really poorly on you & possibly even result in a rescinded offer. If you are upfront with them about about when you can start, I would guess that they would be more likely to go with a candidate who can start sooner, but that’s just a guess and of course it doesn’t hurt to apply. I would also guess that if you say you can’t start until January they would ask why. I think its probably fine to just say “a personal commitment”, but they might press you for details. Maybe if you can say it a little more generally but still be vague? (i.e. if its an illness in the family you could say that, etc, just so they know you don’t just want to be taking vacation).
This is just my 2 cents based on a long period of unemployment very recently – in every interview, phone interview, conversation with a hiring manager, etc I had, one of the first or second questions was “how soon can you start?” In this economy, people are not hiring for the sake of hiring. They are hiring because they have a desperate need. Employers will respect professional notice to your current employer, but I’m not sure they would be ok with a much longer timeline. But it never hurts to apply and like Erin said, they may negotiate if they really want you. Its just still very a much an employer’s market, so they have other great options who can start at the ideal time.
Erin
I didn’t suggest she should lie if asked, just that she shouldn’t mention it in a cover letter. If they ask you in the interview, they already like you and might be able to wait even if they’d hoped you’d start sooner.
CSF
You’re missing a year here… January 2013 is a whole lot further off than 4 months!
Erin
Yes, it’s a year and two months off. What’s your point?
CSF
My point is that she can’t apply for jobs in August of 2011 for jobs in January of 2013, which is what your advice states. I don’t know why you are getting offensive. I think your advice is generally good, but to just push it back a year. If you’re suggesting she apply four months in advance, then she should begin applying in August of next year, not 2011 as you state. Otherwise, your post reads as if she should apply now for jobs then, and not mention the delay in start date, and I’m not sure that’s what you want to convey.
Anonymous
@ Erin — that sounded really snarky to me. It seems clear from your own response (“The next year sounds far away even if it’s really only 2 months away”) that you read the OP as 2012. The answer is a lot different if someone can start in 2 mos. vs. 14. But in any case, pls hold the snark.
another anon
@Erin: seriously, go snark somewhere else — not only in this, but noticed in other replies as well.
Erin
@CSF – are you really so thick you can’t figure out it was a typo and I meant 2012? August 2011 has already past.
As for the rest of you, I’m sorry you’re so sensitive. I can’t see how you made it through law/grad/med school with that kind of mentality, but whatever, some of us are precious snowflakes, I guess.
Anon
@Erin, I’m pretty sure you’re the one who’s thick. You missed the entire point of the post, it clearly wasn’t a typo, and then you’re acting defensive when someone nicely points out your error. You could have responded nicely to the first post and saved face, but now you just end up looking ridiculous and rude to boot.
Anonymous
@Erin — I’m the 1st anon who called you on the snark. Clearly not a typo. You also said, ” I’d apply for it anyway, because (in my experience) HR often delays things so that an immediate hire still takes 3 months to get on board.”
And as the other anon who chimed in with me (tx to whomever that was!) noted, this is not the only post you’ve shared recently that has a mean or nasty tinge to it. And then you respond with more nastiness. Tone it down, or go elsewhere. It’s not welcome in this community.
Hold the Anger Please
WOW! I hope Erin doesn’t read these posts because they are so over-the-top and mean given the situation.
I don’t understand why people think it’s appropriate to pile on personal, negative comments under an Anon profile name!
Anon
I think Erin’s posts were “so over the top and mean” right off the bat. Calling people thick? And overly sensitive precious snowflakes?
GRA
Hey girl.
How is your weekend going so far?
(and whomever introduced that tumblr here … THANK YOU! It is so awesome!)
AnonInfinity
Hey girl.
I love you bc you not only quoted that tumblr, but also bc you love the “Are You Wearing Pants?” chart as much as I do.
GRA
;)
cbackson
I’m still working, so…not well.
james
nice
Chihiro
Have any of you tried altering the shoulders on a coat? I purchased a wool and silk coat from a local artist at a street fair and love the design, but have realized that the shoulders are about an inch or so too big on either side. I am petite and usually very picky about fit, but clearly was shopping too fast in this instance. I’m willing to spend a fair bit of money on alterations because the design is unique and fabulous and the coat is of excellent quality. Is it possible or would the coat end up being ruined? How much would it cost? Any recommendations for a great tailor who can do this in the Boston area would be much appreciated.
Kady
Jean at extrapetite swears by her Korean tailors:
http://www.extrapetite.com/2009/10/tried-and-true-tailors.html
Shoulders can be tailored, but it’s risky – they have to remove the sleeves, then after taking in the shoulders, they’d have to reshape the sleeve hole (both on the body side and the sleeve side). Extra complexity if the coat is lined. I haven’t ever done it, but expect it to be costly.
Marie Curie
This might be a stupid question, but I’ve never cared much about shoes until recently (I know, I know) — can one wear “driving loafers” even when not driving? I’m talking about loafers with those little rubber nobs on the bottom instead of a proper sole (like this: http://www.tods-outlet.com/images/Tods-Gommini-Loafers-Rose-pink.jpg). Would the knobs (and the shoes) be ruined by normal outdoor wear? Can you have them re-soled so they’re more durable? It seems a bit wasteful to buy a pair of shoes I can’t even wear most of the time.
CB
I had a pair of Lilly Pullitzer ones in a similar style (although a bit less structured) and I wore them all the time with rolled up jeans. I think they look weird with dresses because they are so boxy (maybe ones with a round toe would be better) but they are super comfy. Mine definitely wore differently than shoes with a proper sole but I got a few years wear out of them. (I was in grad school and wore a lot of jeans!)
Jas
Suede is pretty fragile, I’d think they’d wear through quickly. I’ve never had a driving loafer resoled, but I’ve had rubber soles put on leather-soled shoes often, and it’s no problem for a cobbler. It might be worth going in to ask one.
However, if you don’t have a particular shoe in mind, it might be easier to just look for a regular walking loafer instead. They’re pretty in right now, so you should have a good selection to choose from.
Research, Not Law
All of this.
I had a pair of suede golf shoes with a similar bump – but on a rubber sole. I highly recommend getting them resoled. Not only will the suede bottom not be durable on sidewalks (or water proof – yuck), but those nubs can be suprisingly slippery on some surfaces. I took a few falls before I wore mine down. I never had the smarts to think to resole them!
I agree that if you just want fuchsia loafers that you look elsewhere. I see them a lot with regular soles. But if these are the ones, then go for it. Mine were a completely impractical, split second decision – and I wore them to death. (They didn’t hold up great, though, FYI. Not like a regular shoe designed to be worn for hours each day on all terrain).
Contemplating Patent Law
While in law school I did not have an interest in patent law, but I have an undergraduate degree that would qualify me to take the patent agent exam. Obviously it’s very difficult to find legal employment in this economy, so I’m contemplating taking the patent exam to give myself more options, even though it is not really what I want to do. Does anyone have any input on the exam, and also, is it possible to lateral to a different practice area after doing patent law?
Ellen
You should ONLY do what you like to do, b/c it is NOT easy to trannsition to another area of the law, especialy if you did NOT like it to begein with.
Yes, you techneically can be more marketeable, but if it is NOT what you are interested in you will not be at the top of your game. That is bad if you want to trannsition to normal law jobs.
The manageing partner wants me to do more corporeate work, but since I am at heart a litigeator, I am resisting. I am execellent at EBT’s and hope to do real trial work soon, so why would I start doing corporeate work?
That is why you should ONLY do what you like, b/c you may be doing it foreaver.
anonypatentlaw
mypatentbar-dot-com, and lots of practice tests, is pretty much all you need to pass the exam. A lot of the questions are repeats, and it has little to do with anything you learned in undergrad or law school.
The patent bar is really only useful for patent prosecution. The market is a little different for patent prosecution. You really have to wait for the exact right fit. For example, if you have a chemical background, it won’t be very useful for someone with a largely electrical docket. Also, I’ve noticed mechanical backgrounds have a difficult time.
In my opinion, and having hired patent attorneys, it is easy to tell who is not really interested in doing prosecution. Those people do not get the job. Alternatively, if you can pull off feigned interest for a while, a lot of firms don’t even really care if you have taken the patent bar. As long as you are patent bar eligible, that is usually enough. And if you find that you do love patent law, many firms will pay for you to take the exam after some time.
anonypatentlaw
You could always drop “patent bar eligible” on your resume. Those are the key words.
karenpadi
This. I check out resumes for patent pros all the time and this is very helpful.
Contemplating Patent Law
Thanks anonypatent law! I think I will apply for jobs I find that are somewhat related to my undergrad degree, add patent bar eligible to my resume, and maybe list any technical electives (I took some technical courses that were not required by my major) that would relate to the position before I commit to paying for and signing up for the exam.
Most the openings I see are for EE/Comp Sci, which I was not, but I’ll keep my eyes open!
another anon
Be forewarned that if you are Chem/Bio, you may have a hard time finding something if you don’t have a Ph.D. But if you’re background is mechanical, you may have more luck.
I don’t think it is worth taking the patent bar at this point–putting patent bar eligible on your resume is enough.
Contemplating Patent Law
My degree is Civil Engineering, but I took electives in chemistry, mechanical engineering and environmental engineering (I had so many AP credits that I had the time in college….and I’m a huge nerd). I did just take the Professional Engineer’s exam, I don’t know how attractive the engineering license is to patent employers, but it can’t hurt. I’m assuming the market for patent attorneys with civil engineering degrees is pretty limited, so maybe it’s not worth springing for the test just yet.
karenpadi
With a degree in civil engineering, I think your best bet is a mechanical position (but those are few and few between right now–there just aren’t a lot of patents being filed in those areas right now).
Your second best bet would be a small general practice IP firm. They typically have a variety of clients. Plus, they are more likely to be willing to put you on software/business methods cases–which aren’t very technical.
Contemplating Patent Law
In reply to Karenpadi, since you seem to have a handle on the market, is there a lot of patents being filed in the field of stormwater treatment devices or other water quality/environmental devices, or in construction materials? These are thing I’m experienced in and interested in on the technical side, and the since environmental regs are constantly changing there is always new products on the marketplace. Additionaly, with all the infrastructure failures there is a lot of research going on to improve infrastructure construction materials.
karenpadi
Stormwater draining inventions would be considered mechanical by patent attorneys. Even if there is some patent activity there, it’s such a small niche that only a few patent attorneys actually handle that work.
ahm
Its not true that its only helpful for patent prosecution. It’s required if you want to do prosecution, but many firms will look at it as a huge plus if you want to do patent litigation, or even IP litigation generally. Any IP boutique firm will really want you to have it and there are even some general practice firms where almost all IP attorneys are patent bar admitted. But I think it only makes sense to take if you really want to do some kind of IP law. I do think you’re more likely to get hired if you actually take it, since that indicates some level of commitment to patent law that just saying “eligible” doesn’t. And showing your commitment to the field is really important in this market.
I agree that all you have to do is take a bunch of old practice classes. Don’t pay for a class unless its not your money – I know people who spent thousands of dollars on classes and failed, I passed just by doing TONS of old practice exams for free.
ahm
“bunch of old practice tests”, i meant…NO classes!
Anonymous
I’m a big/mid law commercial litigation atty. My group handles a lot of patent litigation matters and we love having patent bar admitted associates. Why? Only because it impresses the clients when we are making a pitch for a patent lit case. It is completely irrelevant for actual work because (1) it doesn’t make you a better litigator, and (2) when we need patent expertise or advice we will always consult our patent prosecutors or our expert witnesses. Not our lit associates. Agree w/ other advice – don’t spend money on patent bar prep. Firm will usually pay or you can study for free with online study guides.
karenpadi
I’ve left a few comments. But I have to rant.
If you aren’t 1000% enthusiastic for patent prep & pros, don’t waste your time applying to boutiques that only do prep & pros. I handle recruiting at my boutique and we can smell the lack of enthusiasm the minute we walk into the interview. It makes for a wasted interview.
We don’t hire people who aren’t committed to prep and pros because it takes about 2 years to train a newbie to a level of basic competency. Financially, we are lucky if a first year’s billings are enough to even cover salary. If the person is going to dash, we’ve just lost a hefty investment.
One of my pet peeves are recent grads who have a technical degree, don’t take IP coursework, and, upon graduating, realize that there are openings in patent law and decide to try and re-brand themselves as something they aren’t. I see it every year and I’ll see it again next year. They aren’t fooling anyone.
Quite frankly, I won’t consider a recent grad’s resume unless he had passed the patent bar. Some of my colleagues disagree.
contemplating patent law
Thanks!totally understand about wasting peoples time in interviews and the risk of new hires.the problem is it seems in this economy everyones taking a job they don’t want, either in practice area, location, as a temp, part time, so on and so forth.
I’ll do some more research on the field. I have some vacations coming up but I’ll aim to take the exam after the holidays.
Does anyone how know how long it takes from the time you send in your application to the time youre approved to take the exam?
ahm
It’s pretty quick. I think I sent in all my forms in early January and had approval to take the exam by the end of January. I actually sat for the exam at the end of February. You get unofficial results at the end of the test, but then I had to wait about another couple of months to get official results mailed to me and actually get my number, etc. That part took much longer than getting the approval to take the exam, as I recall. You schedule the exam at a test-taking center and you can take it on any business day.
Contemplating Patent Law
Adding more now that I’m on a full key board…..
I had contemplating taking the pat bar in law school (for career options) but everyone told me to take it after I took the pat law course. So, I signed up for pat law and IP my last semester of law school, but the semester before I took sports law, got an intro to antitrust in that course, and fell in love with antitrust (like I said, I’m a big nerd). So…I dropped pat law and IP to take antitrust and corporate finance (mostly dealing with M&A). Antitrust jobs for new graduates are incredibly hard to come by. That being said (I know I have more research and learning on my own to do) I think I’d personally enjoy patent law a lot more than say family law, criminal law, civil rights etc.
karenpadi
As someone on the hiring side, if an applicant has no IP coursework, I really expect to see a journal article about IP, an IP moot court, an IP internship, or a patent reg. no. on that person’s resume.
These applicants are competing with second-career engineers with masters and phd’s who got 2-3 years experience as patent agents before/during law school, who’ve written books about technology, and who have their reg. no.
I’d strongly recommend getting your reg. no. if you are in a competitive IP market–DC, Silicon Valley, San Diego, Austin, Seattle, Twin Cities, and the Research Triangle come to mind.
Contemplating Patent Law
Thanks! I have about 5 years engineering design experience, and I should get my Professional Engineer’s exam results early January, and then I’ll be a licensed engineer. I’m not seeking employment in any of those cities, but maybe I will start the process of becoming a patent agent now instead of waiting till after the holidays.
MelD
The people I know in patent law had a bit of a different experience. When they interviewed, most places seemed to expect you to take the patent bar a couple years out of law school.
As for the coursework, my law school didn’t get a true IP professor until 3L, and he did not teach the IP course until after I graduated. The course we had was a total Easy A joke class that people serious about patents found to be a waste of time and often skipped for more challenging coursework. I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t uncommon at smaller law schools, as it’s often hard to get the demand for a true IP professor.
gov anon
Make-up question for you ladies. Yesterday I was buying foundation and somehow ended up seduced by some lovely light purply or maybe more of an amethyst eye shadow. Now mind you, I haven’t worn a color other than brown since I was in high school more years ago than I care remember.
So this morning I’m having buyer’s remorse. It is pretty, but I have brown hair, pretty fair skin, and hazel eyes. I’m afraid I’ll look awfully silly with this eyeshadow. Not to mention, if I do decide to keep it, I probably need a different blush and lipstick than I’m using right? Right now my lipstick is a berry color. I’m thinking I’d be too purple. What do I do?
Nicki G
I don’t think it would look silly on you at all! I have similar coloring (dark brown hair, brown/hazel eyes, but more medium toned skin).
I usually don’t wear purple during the week though, not bc its inappropriate but I just find it easier to just wear neutrals to work.
Because my skin is darker I wear deep or bright purple, but I usually use it as a crease or accent with goldish eye shadow, I don’t put the purple on the whole lid, and I use black eye liner and brown/nude lips. I don’t think the berry lipstick is a definite no though. If the eyeshadow is super purple andyou’re only wearing purple eye shadow, it would be too much. but if you use the purple shadow as an accent with taupe or grey shadow (or whatever neutrals work for you) I think a berry lip would look fine, especially if berry suits your skin tone.
L
If you really hate it, return it. But I think this could be an excellent opportunity to try something new! I would not wear it on the entire lid, but perhaps as a liner or highlight.
In fact, I have a set of beautiful purples thatI have never opened for the same reason. I think you just inspired me to explore a new look!
MelD
I wear purple from time to time and have fair skin with gray-blue eyes that tend to pick up whatever color I’m wearing. I have some really bright purple eyeshadow that is just for special occasions only, but I will wear the light purple during the week along with a fairly minimalist lipstain. I think if you do a bright eye, you should go for a more minimal lip. You could also just use the purple as an accent and then keep the berry lip.
mamabear
I have your hair and skin coloring, but more blue-grey eyes and I wear purple eyeshadow occasionally. I think purples are supposed to bring out the green in one’s eyes, so it’s even better for you.
I would use just a small amount in the outer crease, brush back and forth until it’ s blended. You can even dip your brush into both your favorite brown or beigy color, then into the purple for a more subtle change.
As long as you don’t use a ton of purple, you don’t need to change your other colors – blush, lip, etc.
There is also a really cool smoky eye done with purple (you can look up youtube videos) but it would involve you buying more purple, at least a coordinating liner. In the case of the smoky eye, your other colors – blush, lip – would be minimal or nonexistent, so again, you wouldn’t have to change anything there.
I think makeup is a really fun and relatively inexpensive way to play with your look, so I would not have buyer’s remorse about it at all.
Margaret
I have very fair skin and hazel eyes (with auburn hair) and purple is my go-to eye-shadow color. I use plums, but I would think other shades of purple would similar be nice as an occasional color. Give it a try.
I’ll repeat here my favorite make-up tip for new experimentation, which is to go back to the store and put the make-up on (thus not opening the package yet), then walk around for an hour in the dept store or mall, constantly checking yourself out in the mirrors you pass. You’ll accustom to the “shock” of the weird color and be able to determine whether you actually like it. This is how I ended up with coral-red lipstick, which I loooooove now that I’m not shocked by it. :)
TK1
Purple is the shadow that brings out green eyes the most, so with your hazel eyes it should be perfect! Give it a chance. I always wear purple shadow and liner if I am going out (I keep things pretty neutral for work), and it doesn’t look overly purple.
Erin
Purple will bring out the green in your eyes. I think it would look great!
I usually wear purple eyeliner, and I usually wear with a pink lipstick because I think it’s too much purple with a plum lipstick. Without seeing exactly what you mean by berry, I can’t say for sure if it’s too much purple.
Rural Juror
I have some purple eyeshadow, sort of medium purple. Can’t recall where I got it from or what I was thinking when I bought it, but I put it on every once in a while and I ALWAYS get compliments from guys when I wear it. No joke. I actually even got a compliment from my 70 year old dad one time, who has never said anything about my makeup before in my life. Take from that what you will!
Whit
I am so glad to run across this question! It reminded me that I had some pale purple shadow as part of a NARS duo that was sitting in the bottom in my makeup bag.
I always wear brown/beige/taupe, but I tried out the purple yesterday in the crease and really liked the way it looked. It seemed to brighten my face and eyes up. I’ll definitely wear it again soon. Thanks for the inspiration!
FWIW, I am very fair with light brown hair and hazel eyes.
MissJackson
Purple is the only “color” of eyeshadow I wear (other than standard nudes and browns)! I tend to go a bit bolder on eye makeup and wear clear gloss or something very neutral on my lips.
I have brown hair and blue eyes. My sister has hazel eyes, and purple shadow look amazing on her!
gov anon
Thanks to the encouragement here, I tried out the purple today. I think I like it. Maybe not for work, but definitely for the weekend. I will, however, be looking for some new lipstick. Maybe this is a good thing. I tend to stick with old favorites and not branch out much.
Jen
Odd question, but…
I have some jewelry that I’m ready to get rid of. A gold watch that would be too costly to repair, some earrings that I can’t wear, necklace from an ex that isn’t my style. You know, the usual. Has anyone gotten rid of jewelry? I know that I could go to a pawn shop or to a fly-by-night gold buyer, but how do you know that you’re getting a good deal?
Thanks!
LSco
Check out a company in NYC called usgoldbuyers.com. They were written up in the Wall St. J. and appear to be legit.
Get your jewelry appraised so you know what quality it is and how many carats you have. A jewelry store or mall shop will only rip you off. Whoever buys the jewelry will almost certainly sell it for its ‘melt’ value, so unless it is something fantastic you are selling it for its weight and percent of purity.
Personally, I’d get the appraisal done now and hang on to it for another 6-18 months. The weirder the global economy gets, the more fear and instability there will be, and both will be good for the price of gold. Unfortunately.
mamabear
I had some “bold gold” jewelry from the 1990s that I no longer wore. I had it melted down and made into a single wide bangle. I had close to a full ounce so my bangle is pretty substantial. I love it and I wear it all the time now. My local jeweler did the work for me for about $300 (and I live in a high cost of living area – SF)
purple wool military jacket
Could I ask the hive’s opinion on the purple wool military jacket from coldwater creek? (I’ll post a link separately in case it gets stuck in moderation.) I haven’t seen it in person (only online) but somehow it calls to me. I don’t usually shop at this store, and think some of their stuff tends to look like it’s for an older demographic (I’m 40) and/or is rather unfashionable – is that the case with this item? If so, please save me before I pull the trigger!
purple wool military jacket
This is it:
http://www.coldwatercreek.com/product-detail/59506/66038/wool-military-jacket.aspx?colorid=077&refLink=jackets.aspx
Bunkster
I gotta say. That is pretty.
lostintranslation
I think if the fit is not boxy and the quality of the seams/materials is okay, it would end up being a good wardrobe staple.
kh
It’s not bad and with the seaming doesn’t look as boxy as some of their stuff. However, CCreek can be of shockingly poor quality for the price – think fabrics that pill & snag, or tee shirts that shrink in length so much to be midriff baring. I didn’t notice if there were reviews, but I’d check. And never pay full price for anything from them. There is always a coupon code or some such special on.
NOLA
I never buy anything there without trying it on and even then have had several regrets. I am over 40 but still find their clothes a bit too maw maw for me. This is more fitted than some. It looks nice on the website but you never know. And I totally agree, never pay full price. As soon as you go on the website, you get the $25 of $100 offer.
MeliaraofTlanth
Haven’t seen it in person, but the catalog I just got from Coldwater Creek had a long letter on the front about how they’ve changed designers, updated to a more modern look with less boxy fits, etc, so it may not be as boxy as their old stuff (see if you can find a catalog–they have $25 off coupons right now).
Louise
There’s nothing unfashionable about the jacket per se. But when I zoomed in on it, it looked poorly finished. The text lists “exposed seams” as a feature, so I looked more closely. In the green color, it appears that the edges of the fabric are completely unfinished. Zoom in on the lower pocket flaps and you’ll see what I mean.
While I understand the “deconstructed” look, I don’t care for it in this style jacket. Of course, in person it might fit like a dream and really be what you like, so YMMV.
mamabear
Boy, that’s pretty! I have avoided Coldwater Creek because I think of them as a retailer of elastic waist print skirts for the post menopausal set, but I’d be all over that jacket if I weren’t concerned about having pockets on my DD cups.
I have boiled wool jackets from many retailers from many seasons, and they all have an unfinished look about the seams. That is the charm of boiled wool. And the really good thing about it is that it stretches and moves a little more than a traditional tailored jacket. Kind of like the swacket idea a poster was looking for the other day.
I have one of those too hot in the summer/ too cold in the winter offices and I don’t know what I’d do without my boiled wool pieces.
purple wool military jacket
Thanks for the feedback, folks. I guess the consensus, if there is one, is that it might not be the most fashionable item but might be an item that I’d get a lot of use out of. I have a 30% off coupon, so I think I’m going to bite the bullet and give it a try – see how the quality and fit are in person.
Anon for this
Going anon for this because it’s hard for me to share, even under my usual username…
I’m in my early 30s and feeling hopeless about finding love. My friends are pairing off one by one, and I feel happy for them, but every time someone meets a new partner or gets engaged/married, I feel this terrible jealous twinge, like, “When is it my turn?” I hate myself for feeling this way, but I can’t help it. Even though I’ve read all the great advice on here about taking dating seriously, using online dating, not giving up, etc., it seems easier said than done. I’m concerned because I’m finding myself in a rut of staying in on the weekends, telling myself I’ll brush up my online dating profile… and then just never doing it. It’s probably because I haven’t met a guy I’ve really liked in several years, so I now view dating as a chore instead of something fun (which I know it can be — I’m just starting to forget how it feels).
Can any thirtysomething Corporettes relate? Does anyone have advice for me who was in this mental place and got out of it? I don’t want to give up on love, but I keep putting off the search, and then suddenly I haven’t been on a date in months (between a busy work schedule and mostly female/coupled friends, I don’t meet many eligible guys anymore).
Anon-Y.
I know that feeling.
I find that giving myself a period of time to just be single by choice helps. It takes the pressure off a little, and helps you bite the bullet and do what’s necessary eg. dealing with a dating profile, or just going on a date with no expectations at all.
Post-breakup with someone I thought might finally be the right one, I decided to take the rest of the year off to deal with some personal projects and re-focus on work, and also do all the little fun things I couldnt do while attached. It’s been surprisingly liberating, and helps me deal with the fact that so many of my classmates and friends are now either getting married or engaged.
Also, while I’ve not met anyone I really liked while online dating, at least not in a romantic sense, I figure that a blah date or blah email exchange is at worst, practice, and at best, an opportunity for someone to prove me wrong at a later date. Treating the entire experience as, well, just an experience made it okay to go out with people who I would normally have considered unsuitable. Even if it wasn’t the fireworks I would have wanted, it was at least interesting and got me out of the house, and made me feel like I had options, even if they weren’t options I would take.
I hope things look up for all the singletons here! And anyone, everyone, who has thoughts on this, please weigh in. I’d love to have a little more advice on this as well.
Aed
First of all–google and read Sara Eckel’s Modern Love article in the NYT. Because knowing that it’s not you helps a LOT. It made me feel significantly better.
Next, I have to say, staying in on weekends (and I am so guilty of this) will honestly make you feel a lot worse. Finding a relationship is even harder when you’re mentally exhausted and feeling depressed about the situation. For me, feeling lonely is totally compounded when other things in life are difficult too, or if I start to feel like I’m waiting to be part of a couple before I can even enjoy myself. Make a point of getting dressed, and making a plan to go somewhere–with a friend if one is free, alone if one isn’t. It doesn’t have to be about meeting someone.
If you’re comfortable with online dating I think that’s great. But it sounds like you might be putting it off a little? If you’re not into it, then that’s totally fine, but then you definitely need to get out of the house :). Something I’ve had to learn is to be open and friendly to guys (unless of course they’re harassing me or being disrespectful etc). My instinct is to be really comfortable around work but clam up and avoid smiling when I’m out on the streets. Not saying you have to throw out come hither stares to everyone who walks by, but when people say you never know when you’ll meet someone, it’s so true.
zora
I can SO relate! i am right there with you… but i don’t have any advice, unfortunately…. i think i’ve totally given up… sorry, i know that probably doesn’t help, but I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one!
MelD
I’m with you there. I absolutely hate dating and am to the point where I’d rather not bother than make the effort. I think the problem is that I don’t really want to stay in my current city and don’t feel like I want to bother. There aren’t too many single men around my age, as this is a small town where people tend to get married and have kids really early.
That said, I am happy being single. I don’t want to get married/have kids, so I don’t really have a timeline I need to meet for kids to be feasible. If I meet someone, I meet someone, but since I don’t really care, it allows me to focus my time on things I really enjoy instead.
Anon for this
Thank you all so much for responding. I did read (and absolutely loved) Sara Eckel’s article — all my single friends were forwarding it around the week it came out, and it made me feel so much better! That said, I know I need to make more effort, and these comments were just what I needed to give myself a friendly nudge to get back out there. It’s true that even a bad date is practice and a funny story, and at least you feel like you’re trying.
Anon-Y — Thanks for your comment. I like the idea of tackling personal projects while unattached, and I’m trying to do that with classes, exploring my interests, etc. While I do genuinely enjoy my many hobbies, sometimes I wonder if I’m being slightly avoidant, since I probably could devote at least SOME of that energy to dating. It doesn’t help that I know that if I say, put five hours into practicing piano I’ll have a new piece polished and ready to perform, but if I put five hours into online dating, I might just end up right where I started! I need to stop looking at it like that…
zora — Glad to know I’m not the only one. Hope you found the responses helpful!
Aed — you’re right that you never know when you’ll meet someone, and I need to be better about being open to possibilities when I’m out and about. Good advice.
MelD — I like your attitude! I do want to get married and probably have kids, which complicates things, but I can still relate to just wanting to let things happen on my own timeline — it feels more freeing, somehow, than constantly wondering if I’m doing something wrong.
going anon for this
I’m in my 40s and married, but most of my good female friends are still single. I am sorry to sound harsh, but in hindsight it is SO much easier to meet someone and form a relationship in your 30s than it is in your 40s. All my friends say this with regret.
If a relationship is something you really really want, then you have to actively pursue it instead of waiting to see if it magically happens. Join groups, let friends know you’d like to be set up, try online dating.. just get yourself out there.
Another thing is true of at least a couple of my still-single friends. They were incredibly picky. I’m not saying you have to marry someone you don’t like – of course not. But I do think you have to give people a chance. One of my friends would not date a man that did not have a graduate degree. (And by the way, she doesn’t have one either.) Another friend immediately rejected anyone with crooked teeth. I would get so frustrated with these women. I don’t think true love really cares about graduate degrees or crooked teeth! At the heart of the issue was that these women were imagining introducing their new boyfriend with the crooked teeth to their friends and feeling embarrassed.
It does take a certain amount of un-self-consciousness to put yourself out there and date a lot of different people. But if your goal is to end up in a committed relationship, you have to put on your big girl pants and just do it.
Nicky G
I know you can’t be too picky, but crooked teeth are a dealbreaker for me! I had adult braces and take very good care of my teeth, and generally, people with bad teeth (i’m not talking a little crooked, i’m talking totally gnarled), generally don’t floss, don’t get their teeth cleaned, don’t eat well, don’t exercise, and I want to date someone who takes care of themselves in all regards!
Anonymous
OK, agreed, but the flip side of that is ignoring serious problems like differring money styles, habits you don’t like (e.g. strip joints, cheating, flirting with other women), irresponsibility, you get the idea.
If you’re single with no kids you’re extremely rare and very appealing.
going anon for this
I think what I’m saying is this – there are no perfect people out there. You’re not without faults either. You should be willing to consider someone with a few flaws.
Among men, the few that come close to being perfect unfortunately already have boyfriends. :)
Have Hope, But Be Realistic
I got divorced (after 5 1/2 years of marriage and ten years total together) when I was 30. I spent my entire 30s working like a dog (BigLaw) and becoming partner. Once in a while, perhaps once a year, I would go on a set up date. No one ever rang my bell. In fairness, I live in a very conservative suburb — few Jews, few liberals, few men who want equal partnerships and working wives — so I probably didn’t ring anyone’s bell, either.
I met my fiance of five years when I was 40. We could not be happier, and we frequently comment that it wouldn’t have worked if we had met earlier. (I don’t want my own kids but adore his, so I was not racing against any clock.)
During the entire decade of my 30s, when I was single, I had some pretty rotten first date experiences. After a particularly bad one, I came home one night, poured a glass of bourbon, and wrote the following:
***
MEMO
In order to facilitate the dating process, I have decided that anyone who wants to go on a date with me must first complete the attached questionnaire. Potential applicants will be screened for suitability and contacted accordingly.
1. For whom do you plan to vote in the next election and why?
2. How much money do you give annually to Planned Parenthood or similar organizations?
3. When was the last time your mother did your laundry?
4. What is the longest you have been faithful to one person?
5. True or false: faithful includes kissing.
6. In three sentences, describe your favorite novel.
7. What do the Pantheon, the Hagia Sofia and Saint Peter’s Cathedral have in common?
8. Name one current Supreme Court Justice.
9. What does separation of church and state mean to you?
10. When is the last time you played a sport and what was it?
11. When was the last time you went to the doctor? What happened?
12. Do you want children?
13. If so, do you plan to carry and bear them yourself?
14. What was the last practical joke you played on someone?
15. What is your favorite museum and why?
16. When was the last time you accepted financial assistance from your parents?
17. Do you snore?
18. How often do you trim your nails, shave and have your hair cut?
19. What are your three favorite foods?
20a. To how many partners have you said, “I love you?”
20b. Of that number, with how many do you still speak?
***
You can see that most of these are trying to suss out issues I had dealt with from earlier bad dates!
Good luck. And please remember: you never know what’s around the corner.
going anon for this
boy, do I ever rest my case.
zora
haha, i love this! questionnaires = awesome… thanks!!
...
good lord
Ten years ago...
… I was you. I really wanted to meet someone, but nothing seemed to be working, and the guys I did meet/ go out with were not good fits at all. My best friends had just gotten married; most others were coupled.
I made myself a list of things I wanted to do/achieve in the next decade. It turned out that pursuing my passion and becoming more true to myself & what I wanted out of life made me a lot more appealing to all kinds of people. I read a bunch of dating/ relationship books, and tried to figure out where the bumps in the road had come with the previous guys I’d dated (were we not a great fit from the start? was I unclear about what I wanted? did I ignore red flags? [um, yes, to all of these]). I journaled a lot.
Finally, I started seeing a therapist with the express purpose of figuring out what went wrong in relationships and how to make them better. This was the biggest thing, for me: taking responsibility for how I was or wasn’t showing up in relationships, and figuring out how to be a better partner. Although I had made myself out to be a victim of timing/ geography/ work & travel schedule/ luck, it turned out that there was a lot I could do to be a better partner/ friend, and to be more honest and clear about what I wanted in life.
Et voila: at the dusk of my 30s, I met a spectacular guy. According to my previous requirements, he’s a little shorter, a little paler, and a little heavier than the Tall, Dark, and Handsome Prince Who Was Supposed to Sweep Me Off My Feet. None of that matters, because he is kind, generous, committed, smarter than anyone I know, etc., etc.
You will get there!
going anon for this
>he’s a little shorter, a little paler, and a little heavier than the Tall, Dark, >and Handsome Prince Who Was Supposed to Sweep Me Off My Feet. >None of that matters, because he is kind, generous, committed, smarter >than anyone I know, etc., etc.
Exactly! Good for you.
Missy
What do we think of Business Insider’s “15 Work Accessories Every Wall Street Woman Must Have” (link in the next message to avoid moderation)?
Anonymous
Wow. Sign of the recession times. Pretty low end, especially compared to the male version (also low end).
Louise
It’s not a bad list, but I agree that the examples are low end. And the photos are really poor quality, which gives the whole article less readability and credibility.
Missy
Out of curiosity, what makes it low end?
Anonymous
Theory instead of Armani, Chanel, etc.
No expensive watches.
Only obviously expensive jewellery is engagement ring.
anon
“we hear that there’s competition among women at some Wall Street firms over the size of diamond engagement rings.”
really? this is “insider” information? or news?
maybe if there wasn’t competition that would be something to report on… lol
PE Esq
I don’t like that the guys version has real mechanical watches, and the women’s has what amounts to expensive bracelets. I think if you want to be taken seriously in a male dominated profession, you should have a serious time piece.
Missy
http://www.businessinsider.com/15-accessories-wall-street-woman-must-have-2011-11?op=1
Anon
Hi Ladies,
My SO and I have been together for a year and are starting to talk seriously about our future. We’ve both has discussed that the other is “The One” but are considering a potential “bump” in the road… I am a few years older, have my J.D. and am building my career in City X (where we both live). SO is gainfully employed but is considering pursuing an MBA. Unfortunately, while there are some decent MBA programs in City X, he really wants to go for top-tier programs, which are in other cities–some in the same state, some across the country.
I want to be fully supportive, and my firm has offices in some of the locations he is thinking about, but so far, my career is where we currently reside. (And I really love my firm.) So ladies, has anyone dealt with this issue of moving for school while the other is the breadwinner? Do both people move? Or do you have a long-distance relationship/marriage? Any advice or considerations to think of as we move forward? (All of this is in the discussion stages — he wouldn’t be enrolling until 2013.)
Thanks!
Anonymous
Tell him to reconsider the MBA.
Nicki G
If he’s going to be a full time student, a top tier MBA would be the only way to go. I would consider a good regional school if he was going part time and had an employer paying for it.
When I was in law school most people who’s SO’s were the breadwinner’s were local to the area, may have commuted an hour or so to class. Other people I know (from law school and other aspect) may live near the school they’re attending while SO has a career an hour or two away.
I can’t think of any instance where the breadwinner relocated, but if your firm has offices in that area and you can easily transfer, you’d have to weigh out your person pros and cons, see where the relationship and your career is then etc etc.
Nicki G
oh if he hasn’t already taken the GMAT, have him take a practice test and see if he can even get into those top programs, before you start seriously hypothesizing.
Anon
OP here — that’s part of our conversation. If he can’t get into a top tier program, and still wants an MBA, working part-time and going to school in City X is a reasonable alternative. The discussion of moving/long distance relationship is reserved for the schools worth moving for.
Long Distance
Doing a long distance relationship isn’t for everyone, but it can work! My opinion only, but if someone really is The One, a two year separation is nothing in the grand scheme of things. My S/O and I have only been in the same city for a whole year of our nearly five-year relationship: first, he moved three and a half hours away (by car) for medical school, then I moved nine hours away for law school, but we knew we were made for each other, got engaged during our time in professional school, and are eagerly awaiting graduation to be reunited. It’s much easier when there’s a defined plan to reunite at the end of the separation .
There are two issues that I can think of that you might want to consider (among many, I’m sure) — 1. is your relationship such that neither of you would ever dream of the *other* person cheating? I’ve actually had a few long distance relationships, and one was very unhealthy because I never trusted the other person (and his behavior wasn’t all that trustworthy, honestly); meanwhile, the last three years have been hard but never because of any trust issues. 2. What happens when he finishes grad school and, despite his best efforts, can’t find a job where your city is? Would you be willing to move to the city where he ultimately lands his job? What compromises would either of you be comfortable making? Ultimately, our view was that since we’ve spent so much time apart, it was important to spend the next phase of our careers/lives together since any city presented opportunities to achieve our professional goals, but I recognize that it’s so much different for someone who’s already invested a few years actually practicing in a city.
Why an MBA?
I think the biggest question he needs to answer right now is why he wants to pursue an MBA. Is he doing it to switch fields? Full-time MBA at the best school he can get into (and to make sure he can pay off those loans, it should probably be a top-tier school). If he would like to stay in his current field, especially in his current city, (or, even, his current company), a part-time MBA is the way to go. Remember that part of what he’ll be paying for is the network he will build there… but if he is already in a career he would like to pursue in the long haul, the extra years of seniority might stand him in better stead than quitting for the full-time MBA, particularly if he can make an effort to participate in conferences/meetings/etc. that will allow him to build that valuable network.
Obviously, your Harvard or Stanford MBA will open more doors than your local part-time MBA, but you do need to consider exactly which doors you want that MBA to open. If you want doors to open in your current city, the decent MBA program nearby might open just as many as the very best programs due to the local connections of the faculty and alumni. IMHO, if you have an option between the part-time and full-time program at university X, only choose the full-time if you’re leveraging the MBA to reinvent yourself to switch fields.
Miriam
You have only been dating him for a year. I wouldn’t factor a boyfriend into any major life decisions. A fiance or husband is different. What happens if you move for him and then you break up? Will you be stuck in some city that you don’t like with no friends or family? My suggestions is for him to apply to several schools in various locations and see where your relationship is when the time comes to make the tough decisions.
EM
My DH and I were in this exact same position in the late 90s. Granted, things were a bit different as I was so crazy young (19) when my then boyfriend asked me to move across the country with him. I was still an undergrad, and he was about to graduate with a a job offer in hand (with a signing bonus! and moving expenses paid! ah, the heady days of the late 90s).
Being so young, we decided that I would stay in school where we had met, and do the long distance thing for 6 months. After 6 months, we figured we’d know if we couldn’t live without each other or if we could and move on with our lives.
Of course, we could “live” without each other, but it was really really crappy. I had told him that I wasn’t about to move across the country for my boyfriend, so we decided to get married, and I moved to another state to live with him, and I transferred schools. My mother was horrified (although I didn’t know it at the time) and worried that I’d give up my career aspirations. I now have my masters degree (DH only has a bachelors, well, okay two), and I work as a consultant in my chosen field. We’ve been married for 11 years and have a beautiful child.
The best advice I can give is that both partners have to agree to put the relationship first. What’s worked for us is that we have pretty much alternated whose career to put first. Some families focus on the breadwinner’s career. Whatever works for you is what works for you.
Good luck! I think as long as you have heartfelt discussions about your wants and concerns, and you don’t agree to something that you don’t really feel comfortable with, things will work out.