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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
pity party
I need to have a pity party. Tomorrow is my birthday, was supposed to be off Mon-Wed of next week, but I have two briefs due on each of the final two business days of the year, one of which the partner dumped on me on Tuesday because em sure didn’t want to work over em’s vacation. Just need to commiserate with any other Corporettes who are stuck in year-end hell.
Anon for this
I’m there with you in spades. Sorry. :(
Blonde Lawyer
I’ll join your pity party. I worked till 9 last night and still in the office now. I ate office holiday cookies for dinner. Today after lunch, I couldn’t refuse the fudge. Now my stomach hurts. Yes I asked for it. Yes, I recently posted about going GF/LF in 2012. But, if I didn’t complain, it wouldn’t be a pity party.
Last night I worked until 9 b/c a midlevel wrote a brief, partner realized it sucked, I had to redo it and get it filed. Great boost of confidence for me (it did suck and mine was soooo much better!) but sucks it had to ruin my night.
Today, everyone is still working and I’m sure they will be till at least five. I want to take off next Thursday and Friday as my husband has it off but the partner thinks he might “need me” to finish some filings.
I LOVE my job so I really can’t complain and we are super short staffed. But, I totally get the “year end rush” and it is when more people are on vacation and not able to help you get it done! Good luck pity party.
Amelia
Aw sorry! I’m officially joining your pity party!
anon
Working as well. Entire office was shut down early today. Just me and a few others here working. I have a huge brief due next Tuesday and then a bunch of others due at the end of next week.
Here’s to a working weekend and a long week next week.
Anon
Love the skirt and styling ideas. Just shutting down the computer and heading out for a drink and some final shopping. I wanted to wish all Corporettes out there a very happy Holidays – be good out there!
Kanye East
Kat, your description is reading like something out of a J.Peterman catalog. I love it!
AIMS
Love the skirt, the fantasy, and the J.Peterman reference!
Coach Laura
Best of everything to all Corporettes. Merry Christmas! And happy third day of Hannukuh to those who are observing.
Anon for this
So, I have a good friend who regularly asks me for advice and I’m a little stumped at how to tell her I think her bf is not stellar for several reasons. One thing that caused me slight concern is that she lent him money — a fairly substantial amount which he promised to repay when he got some checks in this month. Of course he has never paid it back, and she’s not one to really ask for it back — but it definitely bothers her. When HE brings it up, he always says, oh well I know you’re not in the poor house, and makes a joke of it. This is true, she makes a good salary, but is frugal and would never give this much money to a guy she has only known for a few months. Any good advice about what to tell her?
AnonInfinity
Has she asked your advice about her boyfriend? If not and he is not abusive, I would not say anything. She knows he hasn’t paid her back, and if it bothered her that much, then she would break up with him. IME, these sorts of conversations usually don’t end well for the advising friend.
Anon for this
Yes, she asked my advice.
Dorianne
I have been in a situation that was similiar, so I can tell you what I did. Let her know in as nice as a way possible that you think it was inconsiderate of this guy to borrow money, not pay it back, and rib her about it after the fact. Bottom line, even if she was a Rockefeller, he has no to treat something she went out of the way to do for him like it was nothing.
I would also tell her that if it were you ( sometimes it helps to put it in this perspective, though I don’t know your friend), you would feel hurt and irritated about the fact that the person you were dating was so dismissive of you. I found in my experience that using myself as a vehicle for expressing the feelings I knew my friend was feeling but was too upset to share really helped. I would also finiash by mentioning that you care about her, she means a lot to you, and you don’t want to see her with someone who doesn’t value her/ treat her the way she desreves to be treated. If she asks “how is he falling short?”, this is when you bring up the other factors of why you think he is a jerk.
Sorry to write a novella here, but I was in the same situation. It took some time for my friend to see this person through someone else’s lens, but it did happen. Good luck to you. I find in this situation it is best to be gentle with the friend.
Dorianne
“If I were her” rather than ” If I were you”. I need to spell check these comments!
Anon for this
Thanks!
K in NYC
Tell her nothing. She knows the facts. Instead, ask her questions. If she brings him up, ask if she got the agreement in writing and how the repayment is going. Maybe even throw a comment in about how you know he’s probably a decent guy because he cares enough about her and his word to repay what he borrowed. (If he hasn’t, this may cause her to do some thinking.)
Just remember to be supportive to her rather than negative to him!
eaopm3
Did she ask for your advice? If she didn’t (even if she usually does) I would wait until she asks you what your opinion of him is. Even in that situation, I would deflect the question and ask her what her feelings are for him, because you run into the possibility that you will say that he is a moochity dirt bag and then she will decide two months later that she loves him.
If asked: First, I would ask her why he hasn’t paid her back and what bothers her about the situation. Then, I would tell her how you would feel if you were in her shoes – uncomfortable that he hasn’t paid her back. I would also say that you find his comments about her not needing to be paid back a sign that he doesn’t respect her. But I’d probably leave it at that because if she isn’t ready to break it off with him, and she sees the warning signs, then she might not be particularly open to your feedback.
Anon
IME, if a female friend is asking me for advice about a man in her life, she’s usually looking for affirmation — on some level wondering whether she can trust her own judgment. Not always, but at least in my circle, that’s usually how it plays out. And usually, it’s my friend expressing anger/hurt/frustration over some jerky thing, asking if she’s being “crazy” or too “needy.” Even though those words weren’t used here, I think you can use my standby response:
You are entitled to your feelings and shouldn’t minimize them, or allow someone else to do so. If this is bothering you (and it seems like it is) you really should speak up. Relationships can’t thrive without open communication, and you owe it to him (as much as to yourself) to give him a chance to show you how he’ll respond.
For the minor squabbles, this is normally enough to put things in perspective, and the relationship moves forward. For the real jerks, sometimes it helps the friend get the confidence she needs to leave the db. In my experience, most people staying with jerks are doing so because they lack the self-confidence to know — really know — they deserve to be treated better. This also gets you out without saying anything negative, so if they work it out, you can all stay friends.
Anon for this
Thanks for all the replies — all of which are helpful. I have done the whole supportive thing and have not made negative comments about him. Honestly, I just wish she was more assertive with men because I think it leads to men taking advantage of her. If only she would sign over power of attorney to me for all major financial decisions she makes . . .
Dorianne
I just bought a navy dress and have a really cute red belt I would like to pair with it. What color tights and shoes should I pair with it? I was thinking grey, but I am not sure if there is a go to rule for this.
K in NYC
not white, you’ll look like a sailor/4th of July thing! Does it need tights? If you can find the item online, maybe you can find how the store pairs it?
AIMS
Gray works. As would navy or brown or black. I think shade matters more than color. I know some people frown on black & navy, but I love the combo as long as it looks purposeful.
Anon
you can rotate for different wearings! grey with texture sounds nice, or navy, black, or even a medium-brown boot could look pretty.
K in NYC
A few things…
1. Thank you to all who sent good thoughts and good wishes about my pup… spending 4 days in ICU was terrifying, but he’s home and resting. I couldn’t care less about having nothing to do for the holidays, I have him here and that’s all that matters.
That said, anyone else solo for the holidays? How will you spend a weekend when most people are busy and most places are closed?
2. For all NYCers, remember to join our Corporette fb group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/269707296396538/
3. I kinda wonder if anyone buys some of the non-suits that are posted here… so often they’re super fun but way out of my price range. Makes me wish I could find someone super fashion based and take her cast-offs every time she cleans out her closet! :)
Rose in Bloom
Glad to hear the pup is doing better! We adopted our dog only this last August, but I can’t imagine what I would do without her.
I’m not solo for the holidays, but I have been by myself for the past few days (and tomorrow too), so I can kind of relate. I’m on break from law school, the husband works 12 hour shifts so is gone 14 hours a day, and my car is in the shop. So, I’ve had to find ways to occupy myself when everyone else is busy shopping and I have no means of transportation (I live in Atlanta, where a car is a necessity).
What I’ve done so far: 1) catch up on all my favorite TV shows on Hulu, 2) baked multiple types of cookies for the neighbors’ kids, 3) enjoyed not having a car by going on long walks outside with the dog, 4) given myself a nice manicure and pedicure, and 5) read lots of Corporette and other blogs that I’ve been behind on. It’s been a little odd being alone when the rest of the world seems to be busy busy busy, but I’ve really enjoyed the time to myself.
Hope you have a lovely holiday!
a.
Glad to hear about your dog!
Amy H.
So glad to hear the good news about your puppy!
Ekaterin Nile
So glad to hear your pup is home!
Not solo, but I am going to be a fishing widow today because DH is going out on the river. I am ecstatic because I DON’T HAVE TO WORK THIS WEEKEND OR NEXT WEEK. I’m heading out to Boston on the 26th and leaving my work laptop behind. Crazy!
Anyway, today and tomorrow, I plan on doing a little shopping today, wrapping some Christmas gifts, catching up on TV shows, and reading peacefully at home while bonding with my kitty cat. Maybe I’ll take a long bath and give myself a pedicure. That kind of stuff.
Unsub
So glad your pup is okay! Dress him up for the holidays (my 14 year old beagle gets reindeer antlers) and enjoy your time together.
Riahne
Does anyone know of any blogs a bit like abovethelaw or dealbreaker for consulting? I am feeling some angst about my career and would love some laughs. Or maybe I need to be the one to create it?
ex-runner
If you created it, I would totally read it! I’ve actually wondered the same thing while perusing Dealbreaker and only “getting” 5% of it…
NOLA
I’m feeling so weird about what happened with my family last weekend. We have all gotten along really well and I’ve always felt like my immediate family was pretty drama-free but last weekend was stunningly bad behavior. My family always gets together before Christmas and this year my brother suggested a long weekend vacation together in DC. My nephews (14 and 15) had never been and my brother wanted them to see the historical sites. I got there late Saturday night (my 2nd flight was cancelled) and already things were bad. My stepmother was angry and lashing out at all of us all weekend, no matter what we said or did. My brother was reacting angrily, which didn’t help. This lasted all weekend so we didn’t want to say or do anything that would rock the boat, but it seemed to happen no matter what. This started last summer when we were all together at my Dad’s and, for the first time, we all felt like we weren’t welcome in their home. My brother is so upset he’s not sleeping. He doesn’t want to leave my Dad out of his life or his kids’ lives. My stepmother and sister-in-law have always gotten along great but even she is a target now. It was pretty awful. I mostly took the boys and did things with them to keep them out of the line of fire. I realized that I have changed pretty dramatically in how I deal with this sort of thing. I don’t let it bother me. I just distance myself from people who treat me badly. But this is my Dad’s wife, so that’s really hard. She’s been married to my Dad for more than 20 years (my mom died when I was in my 20’s) so it’s not like she’s new in our family. My Dad is pretty oblivious and socially awkward and I’m not even sure how he’ll take talking about it, so I’m not sure what our next steps should be. I can only say that I’m just happy that I am home with my SO, great friends, and my kitty for the holiday!
Anonymous
Maybe there is something seriously wrong with her? Thyroid condition, early Alzheimers, menopause, depression, chronic pain, drug addition. . .. This is something to consider and your Dad may be in denial so you and your siblings may want to address it. Hugs for the holidays.
NOLA
I don’t know. She’s in good health and just turned 65 (she’s younger than my Dad). My brother mentioned that she is currently working on a stressful project as chair of the BOT of her college, but I pointed out to him that she is retired and that he and I do these kinds of things all of the time in our jobs and we don’t behave that way!
Blonde Lawyer
Ditto. My husband’s grandmother’s 3rd husband (so…step grandfather?) was a wonderful, sweet, merry man at our wedding. Six months later, he was verbally abusing her and everyone in his path. Three months after that, diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. He is no longer with us and the end was very tough. He became a different person. She had to even call the police on him once for protection.
I really hope that isn’t the case in your family but major changes in personality should always be taken seriously and checked out!
nona
Just a thought, but if this is new behavior for step-mom (and not just things coming to a head), a medical check up might be in order. As for talking to Dad – can you just start in with “Step Mom seemed out of sorts this past weekend, is there something going on? I want to be able to help, if I can.” Provided its true.
I’m sorry you are having drama…
K in NYC
If I understand this correctly, stepmom is misbehaving, dad isn’t stopping it, everyone is in the line of stepmom’s fire, and thus everyone is upset about it, though you’ve kept a cool head. Have I got it?
Since stepmom has been around for over 20 years and all used to be well, what has happened to change that? Is Dad backing stepmom or is he just trying to stay out of it, knowing he’s in the complete middle and in a lose-lose regardless of which side he takes?
Not sure if what happened was so bad that you’d all be considering cutting stepmom and thus dad out of your lives, but if this was a new behavior, how about pausing that huge decision? Maybe the question needs to be to stepmom to ask her what’s going on. Not sure her age but could this be a symptom of a medical condition? Is she feeling left out or upset about something?
Don’t get me wrong, awful behavior is awful, but perhaps invite stepmom out alone or for a solo phone chat when dad isn’t around and be kind to her, see if she volunteers her stress. If the behavior continues, you may need to let dad know that, until the behavior changes, you all want him around but won’t be speaking with stepmom, as much as you care about her too.
Just my two cents from an outsider who happens to be a therapist… glad you’re home and happy for the holidays too! :)
NOLA
Yes, your first paragraph sums it up perfectly. I don’t have any idea what has changed. I don’t live anywhere near them so I don’t see them often enough to know what the problems might be. I’m not considering cutting them out of my life, that’s for sure, but it has given us pause about going out of our way to be with them.
K in NYC
Something has changed recently then… maybe it’s medical, maybe it’s emotional, maybe something is going on with someone else in her life. For all we all know she has some friend whose step-kids did something awful and she’s afraid that’ll happen to her so she’s freaking out.
Maybe the way to find out what’s changed is to call her up and give her the space to talk. Ask questions and see if she’ll share and if that info helps you figure out.
NOLA
Thanks so much for your comments. I just went to the gym and gave some long hard thought to some of the responses from people here. I am wondering if I minimized the stress of her current project. I am just now remembering that when I got there, she asked me about work and I mentioned a last-minute meeting to tie up loose ends on a project similar to hers. Then on Monday when she and I went to the Warhol exhibit, she got two phone calls about her project and both were related to what I had mentioned. I’m wondering if it was something she hadn’t thought of and it freaked her out.
I also think that the push-pull over the planning took its toll and she had built up some dread over how it was going to go. My brother was firm about things, partly because they planned things for his kids last summer and it was a disaster – very clear that they have no idea what is appropriate for 14 and 15 year old boys. It has also become clear that they cannot relate to the kids now that they are no longer little boys. I am very close to my nephews but I text and chat with them constantly and my Dad has no clue what to say to them and after talking to them like toddlers last summer, my stepmother has given up.
Someone else mentioned abuse. She had an abusive father with a bad temper so it’s possible that my brother’s temper puts her on edge.
It’s not possible for me to visit them – they live in a rather remote place and I can’t go there in the winter. I also feel like this is probably for my brother to work on – I have had my issues with her and dealt with them. This was mainly between the two of them. She is also not what you would call psychologically minded. Not open to this sort of conversation. But I will discuss it with my Dad at some point. Thanks again so much!
Anon
This woman has been part of your life for 20 years, apparently amicably, and is suddenly hostile. Treat her like family, bc at this point, she is. You and your sibs should decide who is closest to her / best at difficult conversations. That person should plan a trip to see dad and step-mom, alone. Invent a reason, and keep it short. (one night max). During the trip, make the time for a private convo, and ask directly what gives. Frame it as, the weekend was a disaster and you don’t seem like yourself, is everything ok? Can be done over the phone but in person is better.
TOS
Start with talking to your Dad – being oblivious and socially awkward may be an essence of him, it’s also more than likely a coping strategy. He may welcome a gentle, concerned inquiry – or you may need to be oblique and follow up with direct questions. Listen for how their other relationships are going, and how they are balancing power within their relationship. What has changed that may have ramped up stress – events? The health of either or both of them?
I’ve had a few gentle but tough conversations with my own Dad who suffers from depression. “I care and I’m worried about ____”. If it comes back to being ____, and you’re feeling stuck or lost and I’ll help you because I care. I would do this for my friends, so it would be pretty sad if I wouldn’t do this for you. Sometimes that may be finding a professional because I love being your daughter, which makes it difficult for me to be objective in any other role. As a professional I appreciate the experience and objective opinion others can bring to assist you.
If I lose my perspective and start acting like his parent, it fails. Other times he will back into roles -not so much about him being the dad, but diverting us back to me and the kids. Occasionally it’s anger. It’s a real dance between courage, respect, love, candor, patience, taking breaks (but not dropping the ball), figuring out what each of you can change/influence/live with, as well as re-defining him as a respected team member. The subconcious measure of a parent as an Alpha is tough for me at times.
If you (or your brother) are going to have this conversation, have it in person. Take a long walk, go for a long drive. Given what you’ve written, I’m worried there may be elements of female on male abuse (it’s not all physical) in their relationship, you have a lot more information than me – it may be a spike in unhealthy behavior. Best wishes.
Voice of Doom
Nola,
I’m sorry to be the voice of doom, here, but here goes . . .
I had this situation after my father and my then-stepmother had been married about 19 years. At that point, he was 65 and she was 48. She had always been amicable, even friendly, toward me (they met and married when I was in college) and my sister (high school). What seemed like out of the blue, she started saying very nasty things to me (“I’m not going to tell you what’s in our will, and you will just have to find out when we die.” “I don’t want you coming to my house.” “I don’t want you talking to my children [who are also my half-siblings and with whom, at the time, I was quite close].”).
My father, stepmother, sister and I went to a few sessions of family counseling. It was a disaster. SM spent the first two hour session denigrating my sister and the second two hour session denigrating me (“You don’t love your father, you only want him for the money.” [At the time, I was a partner in an AmLaw 200 firm and outearned everyone else in the room combined, and was paying for the session.]) My father sat there and said nothing. When I called him later, sobbing, he declined to say that he disagreed with her.
They divorced two years later. I have come to suspect that what happened to my sister and me was the first manifestations in our world of their divorce. I just didn’t know it at the time.
Why did it happen then? Some people have suggested that her personality turned as she hit menopause. Others, who know my father and his history with wives, have suggested that there are only so many years that a woman can live with him before imploding. Who knows?
In short, there is something going on in her life that you don’t know about, that doesn’t have anything to do with you/your brother/your nephews. Maybe it is a health issue. Maybe it is her BOT project. Maybe it is her marriage with your dad.
I feel for you. I really do. The biggest casualty of my stepmother’s explosion was my relationship with my half-siblings. She threatened to sue me if I tried to communicate with them, and I stupidly was too afraid to communicate with them anyway. I finally woke up about 4 or 5 years later, but that lost time was at a crucial time in their young lives and our relationships will never be the same.
I wish you luck whatever it is and however you decide to deal with it.
PS: I went through a couple therapists before I found one who was good and, later, one who was magnificent, to help me deal with blended family issues. Highly recommend.
NOLA
Wow, you’re describing our worst nightmare! Unfortunately, due to distance and her aversion to it, therapy is out. we’re somewhat worried about her relationship with my Dad given that some of her barbs toward us seemed to be half directed at my Dad. She has always been bossy toward my Dad but it’s all he’s ever known (my mom was, too).
My brother said at one point during the weekend that he can’t understand why she would alienate us when we are her family. She is only close to one of her brothers, her parents are both gone, and she has no children. I hope our situation comes out better than yours.
Anonymous
Does anyone have input on dealing with a supervisor (or colleagues) who prides himself on asking questions so that “you discover the answer” rather than just stating the behavior he’d like you to change? He says it’s Socratic and it’s the only effective way to change behavior. I think it’s a time waster and incredibly condescending.
Input is most appreciated… before I choke him. (j/k)
TOS
Word Girl (a kid’s cartoon) has a villain that is something like “Question Woman”. I ask a lot of questions, and should think of her more often than I do to stay away from The Dark Side of Questions. I’ll send a link for a laugh.
“Only way” is a cop-out, it’s likely his personal bias/preference. Tread lightly. However, if this is a litigator or a mediator, asking questions can hone your craft, so maybe pulling role into the conversation – I feel like I’m being deposed, or X, or Y, which is distracting me from the purpose of this conversation, what would you like me to do – what are your goals, it will help clarify what’s important for both of us.
Keep us posted on how it goes. Some verbal judo skills/lessons we want to learn vicariously :)
TOS
Facetious answer – share a Ms. Questions video….
http://pbskids.org/go/video/?category=WordGirl&pid=OR8cZgszd3Lj9xAGik_PyWhIcAZUgxAk
Another villain is ~ Tangent Man…
Anon
get a new boss when you can:)
Anonymous
OP Here,
Thanks so much!
Amelia
Any recipe ideas for Christmasy dinner? (we are non religious but love to eat) It’s just the two of us, and so anything with a minimum of leftovers would be nice.
NOLA
Great recipe for a pork roast over a leek and mushroom red wine compote on Epicurious (it was in Gourmet years ago). Go to epicurious and search those key words and I’m sure it’ll come up. The compote makes a delicious sauce and you can adjust to a small pork roast. Great with mashed potatoes and kind of Christmasy because the sauce is red and green. I also make a salad with macerated cranberries, toasted walnuts and chopped Granny smith apples over mixed greens with a lime-Dijon vinaigrette. Very festive!
Amy H.
Oh my gosh, all of this sounds amazing!
AIMS
Cornish hens! http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Broiled-Cornish-Hens-with-Molasses-and-Allspice-11707
Or … go with something like this …. http://www.bonappetit.com/recipes/menus/christmas/2008/12/romantic_christmas_eve_dinner_for_2
anon
if you are on the West Coast, it’s Dungeness crab season, yum.
mamabear
Molly Stevens’s Braised Chicken with Rosemary and Pears
http://www.cooklocal.com/2009/03/25/whole-chicken-with-pears-and-rosemary/
Lucy
Seafood is traditional in some circles – we have salmon or trout (wild-caught for ethical reasons) with the green vegetable that takes our fancy, fresh bread, rice, and then a really, really rich chocolate dessert.
Natalie
I’m a huge proponent of steaks for Christmas, but that’s just me…
Another option would be a small chicken or 2 cornish game hens. You get all the fun of carving something with 1 meal of leftovers (of you choose the chicken) or 0 leftovers (if you choose the game hens).
Employment survey
Just curious as to when other attorneys got their 9-month employment survey from their law schools. I graduated in 2009 and just got mine this week! This seems *really* shady to me that my school is finally deciding to ask a mere 22 months late. Is this common practice with law schools?
TCFKAG
Nope, got mine within nine months. If anything, I’d guess that it got lost or something…
Did everyone else in your class just get there’s? Otherwise, seems like its NOT nine-month data anymore.
Employment survey
I’ve talked to two other classmates who just got it as well. It was sent electronically.
Lawyer Bird
Perhaps they didn’t report the data correctly and need to redo it for 2009? I’d just call the school’s career services office and ask them what’s up.
Nonny
OK, now *this* is the skirt I wish I had been able to find for Christmas. I would wear this *everywhere*. (As Kat says: “What, this old thing?”, twirling and looking insouciant.)
Logan Airport?
EEK! am supposed to be at logan tomorrow @ 5 am for an 8 am international flight… Any recommendations re taxi ? Am staying in South End and sent an online reservation request to Logan Dependable Ride but they have yet to confirm. I plan to call them since I need to leave @ 430. There is a bus close by at some ungodly hour – should I just take that?! TIA!!! Happy holidays to all the fab corporettes!!
Anon
Just sharing holiday experience so far, has been interesting to read what others are up to. Finished work yesterday for next 11 days, can’t wait to rest. (big company with manufacturing shuts down once a yr in lieu of holidays throughout year). Pregnant 4 mos, traveled almost entire 1st trimester no time off despite rough pregnancy with complications and mucho discomfort. Plan to read, start organize the home for baby, spend quiet time with husband/dog, go to friend’s new year’s party, mellow brother is flying in for 2 days, take dog to parks and probably go to Vancouver for a few days (we’re in Seattle). We aren’t religious so don’t do any holiday-eqsue stuff if just us.
It was funny, though, got up this am after so many hard months of forcing self to go all the time- I got up and didn’t know what to do! Partly I miss being active (dancing, hiking etc) things can’t do during this pregnancy. So we had a lazy morning then went to see Descendants at the movies- it was good, very well done and pretty scenery, if a little long/depressing. I feel on the one hand like the time will be so nice to lay around, but also it might fly by and we might not ‘get much done.’ I’m not sure I’ve ever done a stay-cation since I started working a decade ago! I like to travel usually but not at this time.
Amy H.
I find I enjoy staycations best if I let go of any psychological need/wish to get anything “productive” done. For me, it doesn’t really feel like a vacation if the whole focus is on crossing things off the to-do list (as satisfying as that can be!). Sometimes our bodies and minds just need downtime/veg-out time/”puttering” time.
Amy H.
Forgot to say your plans sound very nice!
Anon
Thanks. I fully agree in theory and KNOW that I need this down time more than ever in my life, but in practice, I’m not sure I know how to not have a to-do list around the house (and the piled up pre-baby one is long with no other leave in sight before delivery)! Yesterday, I read a whole silly novel and saw a movie, so that was a good start:) I am a pretty good couch potato when I try.
OPen to any tips about how to let go of the mental need to get stuff done.
meme
Shoe review:
I’ve been eyeing the Ann Taylor “perfect kitten heels” for awhile (2″ heel – doesn’t look kitten shape or height to me but whatever). I finally ordered them this week 50% off. They just arrived today and they are so byooootiful and just the perfect heel height for me. I feel like I’m definitely in heels but not tottering. I fear this may turn out to be an expensive discovery. I ordered the “water snake” in black. They fit TTS in 8M. I have narrowish feet with a high arch, FYI, so they may run a little narrow.
Ann Taylor is still 50% off sitewide (and storewide) today with promo code WINTER50.
Mere
I have a confession to make. I am obsessed with the AT perfect pumps an AT perfect kitten heels. I currently have 7 pairs, and the 8th is on its way to my house. To be fair, I am equally obsessed with the Cole haan air talia pumps, but AT always has better promotions.
Anonymous
I’m the same way… 8 pairs of Max Studio Marais pumps and 2 of their wedge sibling the Mecca. :-)
ER
Someone was asking for recommendations for news podcasts last week; I read the post too late but I wanted to share my rec. I subscribe to The Economist, so I can download a podcast of each week’s issue of The Economist read out loud–word for word–a soothing British accent, naturally! Each week’s podcast is about 8 hours long. The interface is terrific: you can choose not to include certain sections (such as the Britain section) and the back/forward buttons on my iPod make the player advance to the next article (rather than next week’s issue) so it’s easy to navigate even though it’s so long. I’ve been listening to it this way for a few years and think it’s worth every penny of the $90/year subscription. I find the news analysis much better than NYT or WSJ. (I also happen to agree with The Economist’s editorial perspective, which tends to value both civil liberties and free markets, and it doesn’t take the hysterical editorial tone of both the WSJ and some NYT op-ed columnists.) Hope this helps!
Equity's Darling
I’m also a big fan of the music that accompanies the beginning of each section.
And I love how they read the letters, sometimes I feel like the tone the letters are read in, is certainly NOT the tone the letters were written in. Hilarious.
Anon
I need advice on making the decision to get married… maybe from those of you who already are…
I’m 31, with a really great guy for the last 3 years, we live together, we are constantly in conversation, we have very similar interests and have developed new interests together, we have never had an argument, he is incredibly loving and thoughtful and giving. We are also able to be silly and laugh together, which is something I’ve lacked in previous relationships. He is very commitment-minded and really wants kids, even has expressed interest in taking time off from his career to focus on having kids. I’m a little less kids-oriented, I think I would like to have them, not dying for them, I’m more career-minded, so it has the potential for working out well in terms of handling family/work balance.
Basically everything is great BUT I have one doubt which is that there is an element of physical attraction missing for me… we are intimate, sometimes more than others, but not that often… it has gone up and down. we are very affectionate but it’s not the most sexual relationship (for me… I know he is attracted to me). I’ve had previous boyfriends to whom I’ve been more attracted. I know he is attracted to me. I’m sure there are ways we could work on having more romance/physical intimacy if we made it a priority….
Basically it adds up to the best-friend-in-the-whole-world feeling, wish there was another teaspoonful of attraction. I don’t know, he is 100% ready to go to the next step, in love with me, but I’m feeling some hesitation.
Also we have talked about this but I haven’t been completely forthcoming and know that I need to.
Help… thoughts?
Anonymous
Sounds like you’ll end up being one of those sexless couples, maybe you’ll get someone on the side.
Unsub
Did you think this was helpful? At all?
Anonymous
Your own comment was possibly less helpful. Merry Christmas you annoying little fool.
a
Anonymous at 5:05 pm, you are likely the most unhappy, creepily spiteful person I’ve ever seen on this site. Yikes. Go away.
another anon
Sounds like the truth without the sugar coating.
Anon
Well, helpful because it points out the worst possible outcome. People do cheat on each other.
Anony
While I think physical attraction is important, I think it is possible to have a fulfilling physical relationship with whom you’re not initially “attracted” to. You need to take a hard look at your physical relationship and think how you would improve it. And then ask for those things.
May I also suggest reading some Dan Savage? He gives great advice for people who need to work on compatibility. But, more than anything else, if you’re thinking about ending the relationship, you should talk to him about it and be honest — because the WORST that could happen is the relationship could end.
ER
I think you should look into pre-engagement or couples counseling. A counselor could help you either ramp up your intimacy time and/or help you sort out how important this is for you in a relationship.
I also think you need to think carefully about what would be important for your bf to know, though–a “I’d like to improve this part of our relationship and this is what you can do” approach would be far less hurtful than “I don’t find you attractive.”
Anon for this.
As someone who was given that exact speech by a previous partner just before we broke up, I second all of this. It’s really devastating when you hear that from someone you love. Even if we had stayed together, I’m not sure if I would ever have gotten over it. And if there’s a time to work out whether this is a deal breaker for you, that time is probably now.
Anon
What exact speech – the “I’m not attracted to you?” or the gentler version? It’s so hard to figure out what language to use – to be honest but also not unnecessarily hurtful.
K in NYC
don’t focus on what’s not working, focus on what could… don’t say that things aren’t spicy enough, instead suggest ways to make things more spicy. That way you’re never saying something is bad, you’re simply saying you want things even more amazing!
Anon for this one.
The “I’m not attracted to you”, with examples of how said partner was not attracted to me. Incidentally, there was nothing I could have done about it – it was not a question of making an effort, or trying something different. I just wish that the message could have been delivered more gently. The difference is that you seem to want to work things out – in my case, he wasn’t prepared to make an effort at all and what he said to me was probably intended to engineer a breakup.
I honestly can’t tell you what would not cause any distress at all – but FWIW, if you let him know that you care for him but would like something more and you want to work on it, it would lessen the negative impact considerably. K in NYC’s suggestion below sounds fantastic as well.
Working Girl
I think it’s very unusual to have never had an argument with someone you live with and have been with for three years.
TechAnon
That does seem odd. Fighting is a form of intimacy, too: sharing your negative feelings can be scary and some couples avoid it. I think it is really important to find out how your partner acts when you disagree about something very strongly. Does he/she talk? Sulk? Yell? Hit? Leave? With kids possibly on the horizon, this is vital to know now.
I second the recommendation to do some pre-marital counseling. There are elements of this man the OP has not seen yet, as well as sexual satisfaction that she isn’t receiving.
KK
I also thought this was unusual. I’m guessing either (1) Anon is glossing over the past three years which have been very good without any major arguments (threats to break up/move out/etc) or (2) they really don’t argue, which is another type of intimacy issue. Two people who are being honest about their feelings and care about each other are going to fight from time to time.
Back to Anon- this is a really tough question and one only you can answer. I think the “best friend in the whole world” feeling is what you want to have with your spouse, and that’s how I feel about mine. But we also have a good sexual relationship. You said he is more attracted to you than you are to him- are you constantly shutting down his advances? Maybe try being a little more receptive. For me, sometimes I’m not into it at first, but can get there if I make an effort.
Also, I get the feeling that you kind of know what you want to do (marry him and work on the physical intimacy, or let him go) but you are looking for validation. Go with your gut. For what it’s worth, your post doesn’t talk about how you feel about him.
Another Sarah
Meh? I took it as “we haven’t had any knock-down-drag-out-fights,” instead of “we don’t disagree on anything, ergo, no fighting.” We all have different definitions of “fighting” and “yelling,” depending on what we grew up with, etc. I’ve had long relationships where we never “had an argument,” but talked about the stuff we disagreed on and figured it out, which I wouldn’t call an argument. So I’m sure in the three years there were things they disagreed on and things they agreed to disagree, but didn’t go into the “argument” stage. Just my take on it.
K in NYC
Part of me believes we should each have it all and if you’re not sure, that tells you something. The other part though says that attraction will likely fade with anyone as they age and life happens, so you should look for someone with whom you want to make and reach your goals with. If this is that person, don’t throw it away for some sexual attraction that’ll fade, if it’s not, maybe it’s time to move on.
Hope this helps
Anon
Agree it is worth strong consideration regardless of this issue. Husbands gain weight, go bald, get stinky (or other fun things)… get skin problems, more hairy, etc. I still love my husband more than I can express despite some of these less 20-something attractive guy qualities. But only you can answer if the current connection is enough, or whether you’d feel a nagging disappointment feeling. He sounds like a wonderful, compatible match otherwise. My spouse and I aren’t as active in that area as we’d prefer which is the one thing I wish we’d improve over time, but similar to your story everything else is ideal. I figure honestly that it’s hard to maintain steamy physical relations (even with model or whatever) with someone you do bills and trash with and I choose the best friend function. I think I might personally *need* the unknown/mystery factor for it to be particularly thrilling in that area, otherwise it’s kind of rote and dull, yes I admit it, and have pondered if that’s a function of routine, or something we can fix. Feels generic as it’s such a tried/true marriage complaint, sharing in case longer term perspective helps you think it through. For me I am very, very happy in my marriage despite lack of a ‘wild’ physical aspect. But he is like yours very attracted to me which has been nice, if a badger, while I am expanding pregnant. I’m attracted to him too a lot, just not in a ‘I must attack you right now’ way. More in a “I love who you are so much” way.
meme
Were you ever attracted for him? Did you ever have a satisfying sex life with him? If so, then perhaps you could do something about this problem. Lots of married/long term couples occasionally fall into a lull or have short-term libido problems for various mental, emotional or medical reasons.
If you have never really been very attracted to him, I think you have to ask yourself whether this is really important to you (sounds like yes if you’re spending a lot of time thinking about it). And even if it is not really important to you, is it really important to him? Not fair to him to unilaterally make the decision to marry and have children but not plan on a lot of intimacy.
I agree with the other posters that if you are going to try to spice things up with him you should be careful not to put it in terms of “I’m not attracted to you.” That could be very devastating and hard to recover from. Perhaps more like, “I’m having trouble with low libido and want to find ways to fix that” or something. But if you’re really attracted to other men but just not him that sounds like a long term problem to me.
Batgirl
I’ll be honest, as someone who has been looking for someone she feels that close to emotionally for a long time (with much less trouble finding someone I feel sexually compatible with), I would rather have a relationship like the one you describe, than try to find all that with an amazing sex life. I think sexual attraction fades over time–and can be improved with effort, too. I’m not saying you should settle–but it’s rare that someone will be everything for you and the kind of compatibility you two seem to share seems really hard to find.
Hesitation in terms of how you feel *for* him is a little different. Some of that is natural, some of it is your gut’s way of telling you something’s off. Ask yourself: do I adore him? do I want him to be the one I turn to for love and companionship for the rest of my life? do I want him to be my life partner? If you’re not sure of the answers to those questions, then wait a bit and figure it out.
Good luck!
Anon
Original poster here. Thanks so much for these insightful comments.
Re: fighting… we just have never disagreed about something huge, and when we do disagree, we just talk about it. But we’ve avoided talking about intimacy, that’s for sure. The idea of counseling is interesting, maybe we need to do that in order to prevent ourselves from avoiding. I might pursue that.
Re: attraction over time…. I have, of course, heard many times that attraction or sexual excitement fades in a relationship over time. So that leaves me with the question, does that mean that 1) I’d better start out high on the attraction-meter, because if I don’t, it will all disappear? OR 2) that intimacy is something that needs to be worked on over time no matter what, so the initial level maybe doesn’t matter that much?
I’m eager to hear from people who are married.
I do think the “new” aspect for me is a factor – we actually had a great sex life for the first 6 months we were dating, even though at that point I also didn’t consider myself super “attracted.”
Thanks all…
TCFKAG
Very belated response, don’t know if you’ll get this.
If you had a good sex life for the first six months — then you can again! But you have to make an effort and communicate about it. Try to “spice things up” and/or schedule specific times to do it. Maybe read some articles together with a spicy edge. That sort of thing. Intimacy is definitely something that must be worked on over time and even if you had the hottest s*x in the world at the beginning — you’d still have to work to keep it active and interesting.
All that being said, your initial question was that you needed advice on whether to get married. Right now, I’d say that you shouldn’t, at least not until you figure all this out a bit more. Perhaps finda s*x-positive relationship counselor to talk to. But seriously, you need to confront this. Because otherwise you’re just going to simmer and stew and eventually explode (either by being with someone else or breaking up or generally being very unhappy).
Good luck!
anon for this
Probably too late in here… but thought I’d write anyway. I’ve been with my hub for 15 years. Never was all that attracted to him frankly, but all the other characteristics were there, as you mention. This intimacy thing has now become a huge problem in our marriage–he’s very unhappy, and I wish I felt more attracted to him. We’ve gone to counseling and tried all kinds of things, mostly half-heartedly on my part, because I just don’t need the frequency he does. Not sure what to advise, except that I expect we probably won’t be together “forever” because he’s so unhappy about the physical part of our relationship. That’s a sad place to be.
Anony
This. x2
GovtMom
I also may be too late, but wanted to chime in. I’m concerned that you avoid talking about intimacy. Are there any other major issues you’ve avoided talking about? I think that counseling on this point may be helpful … ARE you talking about difficult things? Is avoidance a strategy one or both of you use? It’s a risky one, over the long term. I think your bigger risk for intimacy is your ability to face tough issues and talk about them.
The importance of attraction, IMO, is a very personal one. It matters more for some, less for others. It sounds like it matters to you, now it’s a question of how much. How does this impact your feelings for him? How does this impact your physical intimacy?
Longtime Jew
I have a gold sequin skirt. How to style it on top for holiday nights out? I was thinking a black tank top, but it looked so simple when I tried it on earlier. Any advice?
Anonymous
ExtraPetite had one a few days ago, she looked great. Go back a page or two, you’ll see it.
Anonymous
This is the top I would want: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?navAction=jump&id=23866544&parentid=SEARCH_RESULTS&color=001
Natalie
Random fashion question – anyone have designer or store suggestions for sheath dresses for someone with narrow shoulders but an average sized bust & rib cage? I’m getting pretty frustrated.
c
Ugh! I was supposed to be on vacation today through the second, but now find that one of my judges has decided to schedule a trial for Wednesday. Yes, I filed a Notice of Unavailability and yes I’m well aware that this doesn’t mean a judge has to honor it. I’m just whining at this point, but I can’t help feeling that if I were a defense attorney this would not happen. Sorry about the rant ladies. I’m done now.
K in NYC
sending tons of love… is it possible to ask for a reschedule?
c
Thank you K. I filed a motion yesterday, and his office called to ask me if I was going out of town. Since I’m not I said no. I’m feeling as though that doesn’t bode well. Now the court is closed until Tuesday so I’m left with no choice but to prep over the weekend.
K in NYC
aw man… hopefully there will be time outside of prep for you to take a break, everyone deserves one!
c
K you are awesome. I am sitting in the office going cross eyed. I saw your post about being alone this weekend. I’m so happy that your pup is doing well. If you’re up for it, I’ll happily text with you (well I will text & you can email-I can’t access any outside emails from the office) as I journey back and forth from my office to my home. I always have my phone with me.
K in NYC
it doesn’t let me comment on your latest msg… sounds like a plan to me… I’m just hanging out, watching stuff online that I stream, reading magazines, watching the pup breathing, and fielding text messages from everyone who is ready to throddle their own families. Although I wish there was somewhere open that delivers food (or that I’d have gone to the store yesterday), this is a pretty awesome day actually
not sure if this is bad to put a phone number here but oh well lol
six 1 four, five 3 seven, 2 seven zero 5. (written so spam doesn’t grab it from the internet, juuuust in case) PS anyone else needing someone to kvetch to, feel free, just let me know who you are so I don’t get totally confused lol
DC Anon
Corporettes, please offer some of your sage wisdom to me. Over the last few days, my dad (he controls all finances at home) has decided that he wants to cut me off completely and essentially disown me. I am okay with this decision emotionally because my dad is a horrible abusive person who I have never gotten along with, but have always had to just be civil too because he controlled all the money at home. Things finally boiled over during thsi visit home and he has sworn to never talk to me again or give me anything.
I’m not trying to sound ungrateful or like I feel like I deserve something from him, but I just graduated this year (June) from college. This is my first job (I work in finance) and I carry no real debt from college, but about $2k in credit card bills from starting up around here (furniture, security deposit, etc). I make 80k a year, but have relatively high rent and utilities and such (fixed costs add up to ~2200 a month).
I am really, really scared. I have about $2000 in my bank account right now after working 4 months. I have to drive to work from where I live, but my dad is re-claiming the car that they were lending me so I need to purchase one. Should I buy a car? Buy used? Lease? Should I still be trying to save money or should I just try to pay off a car as soon as possible?
Please help me figure out what to do financially to feel like I can handle this. I think I can – everyone tells me I make a decent amount of money, but I feel like I can’t afford my apartment (but I just signed a one year lease!) and I feel like I am so close to just getting into big trouble financially if something bad (accident?) happens. I think I can make this work with my salary but before, I always knew my parents were a safety net to fall back on. Now, I feel really really alone and scared.
I had wanted to go to grad school in 2 years but I don’t even know if that is a good idea anymore.
TechAnon
If your father is really controlling, it is normal that you feel overwhelmed right now. You’ve never truly been on your own before, financially or emotionally.
You are going to be fine, really and truly. If you have an $80K job in finance right out of school, that means you are smart and well educated. Those kinds of jobs don’t happen to the incompetent, especially in this economy. The fact that you only have $2K in debt puts you ahead of the game compared to many of your peers.
Your parents may have paid for college (I’m assuming), but they did not attend all those classes and pass all those tests. You did that alone. You are a capable adult and need to learn to truly believe that. I’m going to make another guess here that your controlling father may have hindered your ability to be confident. Time, and maybe a good therapist, will help you get past that. Your job’s EAP may be able to help with the latter.
Yes, you will need to get a car. I’ll let others give you advice on the buy/lease/new/used question. Your rent is a little high, but not overwhelming. Can you get a roommate to help you out?
If you have a credit card or two and health and car insurance, most of the types of emergencies that happen to people in their 20s are covered. It is very, very, very unlikely that you’ll get saddled with huge bills. I think you should focus on being good at your job and not adding unnecessary debt (such as clothing or electronics) right now. Get a reliable car, take a deep breath, hold your head up, and walk confidently further into adulthood.
Things will look brighter after the first of the year. Keep us posted here; we’re rooting for you!
Anon
sometimes you can break a lease if you provide someone to take it over at no cost to them. or sublease.
you might ask the dad to ‘lease’ you the car until you have a few weeks/months to save for a payment on a *used* car. I did this once and made a monthly payment to my Dad. Probably, he is wanting to see you be ‘responsible’ with your money and while I know nothing about him, maybe he’d be open to something like this. Again no nothing about him so this may be off, but could it be useful to tell him thank you for all the support over the years, you are grateful, and now ready to live on your own, as soon as you can execute a plan to do so? Even if he is abusive/controlling, it sounds like he has provided a lot of financial support over the years.
Don’t know what your lifestyle is like, but I was making $50,000 in NYC right out of law school and that meant no new clothes (consignment/thrift store suits), no fancy dinners (yes $12 Thai places), no spas or another pricey activities, etc. This I was all used to from being in law school without much money so it didn’t seem so bad but was a little stressful to have bills so close to my monthly income.
Any chance you can carpool with someone? pack lunches? other ideas for cutting recurring costs? cancel cable? (I have the 10 basic channels for $14/mo and watch Hulu online) Use your company phone for personal as well? (if allowed)
Agree with Tech Anon, you will be perfectly fine. Your salary is plenty even in the priciest US cities. A lot of younger Americans today seem to be in a similar situation and have a big adjustment as they are used to being supported, but try to remember nearly everyone else has done it and it’s more than normal to support yourself past a certain age. Good luck, you can do this.
KK
good post. I agree. Take a deep breath, you area actually in a good spot financially, as far as salary v. debt, and you will be fine. Maybe start reading some personal finance books/blogs to educate yourself about money. If I were you, my priorities would be:
(1) obtain an affordable, reliable auto (maybe a used honda/toyota/subaru). If you have to finance and pay some interest on this, that’s ok- this is a need, not a want. For new cars, honda and toyota at least have “recent grad” programs that will give you more favorable financing and lower down payment/credit score requirements (I don’t think those programs apply to used cars, which are def your cheaper option)
(2) move to a cheaper apartment when possible. I also live in the DC area, and I know you can find something decent in the burbs for less than 2.2k. Try NoVa for lowest rent, but even in Md, you should be able to find something for less than what you’re paying. Of course, you probably can’t do this until your current lease is up.
(3)Pay off the 2k on your credit card and stop carrying a balance. It’s a very bad habit to get into and you waste money on the interest.
(4) Set aside money in an “emergency fund.”
Congrats on standing up to your dad. I seriously doubt you will regret that- trying to control your kids via money is one of the most disgusting, insulting things a parent can do. Show him you can handle that on your own.
Unsub
Great advice and support, TechAnon. I agree with everything you said.
Be brave, DCAnon – you can do it.
Alanna of Trebond
The amount of money you have saved and your debt makes it sound like you might be spending too much money on non-fixed cost things. Are you going out a lot? $80K is a very substantial salary, and my friends who have worked in that field have found it pretty easy to save given that they have little free time (at least at the beginning). So, this is something to think about. Also, I am surprised at your rent — $2200 seems extremely high for one person, even in DC. But you cannot do anything about it, except maybe look for a roommate?
As for short-term, I would recommend getting the cheapest functional car you can. It is hard to get around in DC without a car. But since you will probably need to save a bit more before you can afford the down payment, is there someone you can carpool with from work? Can you take the metro?
Another Sarah
My dad is kinda like this. I didn’t know I was “cut off” until I came home after law school, was studying for the bar, and he interrupted my studying to give me a pile of bills that I was “now responsible for.” So a few things:
1. It’s going to be OK.
2. First, the car. Can you lease it from your parents? Do they cover the gas, insurance, and maintenance? If so, offering to cover that may go a long way. Is it still being paid for? If so, offer to take over the payments, which could be cheaper and easier than having to buy one at this point. If you ask them to transfer ownership over to you, yes you’ll have to spend money on it, but at least you’ll continually have the car.
3. If you don’t have mondo student loans, you can absolutely afford to live. Making 80k, you can absolutely afford your fixed costs. Make a budget with your monthly net (not gross), add in rent, utilities, car payment, insurance, and other fixed costs, and then see how much you have left at the end of the month (I bet you will be surprised). Try and save most of it – saving for grad school is an excellent goal. If you are actually over-extended every month, see what makes you over-extended, and try and cut back on those. Serious question: If keeping a roof over your head and the lights on are $2200, do you really need to spend almost $3000 a month to live? Shop at Giant, not Whole Foods (double coupons every day!)
4. Something I learned: if your parents won’t backstop you when you need it, then it also means you won’t owe them anything. So that’s one less bill (monetarily AND emotionally) every month. Stressful in the short term, liberating in the long term (which is pretty much everything in life :-) )
5. If you need to cut back on things, it’s ok. Now is the time to do it.
6. You can absolutely do this. It may seem like you can’t because you’ve never done it. But you can. Trust me.
7. Eat ramen for a month and pay off that credit card debt. Small sacrifices now go a loooooong way later. :-)
cc
You will be ok. I know this is scary and emotionally hard, but you are very fortunate to have had the support up to this point. Forget about thinking about grad school right now, you probably will be able to but that is a couple years away so I would focus on the short term. I’m guessing you are taking about 2,200 a paycheck, about two paychecks a month. Your rent is really high, but you cans till do that for a year. Next year I would try to get a much cheaper place. To be honest it sounds like you went for a really expensive place before even taking care of the necessities. (You say your dad was abusive but you were willing to depend on him providing a car. You earn 80k a year, that is amazing out of college, almost double what many college grads start out making. The fact that you feel its not enough and that you went for an expensive place instead of getting your own car might point to the fact that you are not totally comfortable with money, maybe not prioritizing correctly. You are (22? 23?) It is time to stop depending on your father financially, especially with all your success (which you should be very proud of.) Take deep breaths you will be ok, you really are in the best possible situation.
Plan B
One thing to consider about getting a car…you may be able to find a new 2011 model at a good price/interest rate. Good luck with everything. It sounds as though you are in a decent position with your salary, and hopefully with some careful budgeting and expense management, you will get through this.
You Will Be OK
Dear DC Anon,
I agree with everything TechAnon said above. You have demonstrated through your own actions that you are smart, diligent and resourceful. Now you have a new, big arena in which to demonstrate it all over again. Of course it is scary. Plus, there is that huge emotional factor (more on that below). But you will do it the way you always have done school and work: thoughtfully and carefully.
My practical “advice” is less specific and more thematic:
1. You are in a little bit of shock now (understandly so). So this might not be the right time to make any permanent decisions. Can you find a solution to the car issue that doesn’t bind you for more than six months or a year?
2. Now is the time to start educating yourself about finances and insurance and taxes and the difference between saving (not spending everything you make) and investing (doing something with it so that you will have more later). You are well ahead of the game because you work in finance, so the resources I used probably will be too basic for you. I read “Smart Money” magazine every month for a couple years and read some basic personal finance books. You might consider picking 2 or 3 financial consultants who will do a 20-30 minute initial complimentary consultation to: (a) get a gut check, and (b) see if you might want to work with someone.
PS re finance logistics: if your dad or mom has a life insurance policy that names you (or you and your sibling(s)) as the beneficiary, you may actually be the owner of the policy and he may be unable to take it away. Something to consider. See if you can get a copy of the policy and get the insurance company to send you the annual statement.
The emotional stuff: In a way, you are lucky that you are dealing with the bottom line of your dad’s behavior while you are so young. I did not come up against my dad’s bottom line until I was in my late 30s/early 40s. It was very painful, in part because we had managed well for so much of my life. I can’t tell what it is that makes your dad act the way he does, but I can tell you that if you can figure it out and learn about it, you may feel much better. (Won’t change him, though.) I read a book called “Adult Children of Narcissists” (or something close) in my early 40s and literally every single sentence had me exclaiming “That’s my life, exactly!” It was a relief.
K in NYC
great book… and it’s my life too! maybe we need a support group?
K in NYC
Ok, first of all, breeeeeeeathe. You have a job, an education, and a cool head on your shoulders. You WILL be fine.
Make a budget. Start with the amount of money you take home per month. Subtract fixed expenses (anything that is the same cost every month, like rent). Subtract a realistic amount for variable expenses (food, gas, etc.). Subtract an amount to save for emergencies and one to put into your retirement account. What do you have left? Ideally, you want enough left that you aren’t down to the wire every single month. If you’re close, check your variable expenses. Are you able to eat at home rather than out more to lower that cost, etc.
That’s going to show you what you can afford and whether you can afford your apartment, car payment (If you have one), etc.
As for a vehicle, research on craigslist and post on your facebook and such that you are in the market for a vehicle and for a mechanic to check any vehicle before you purchase. You may well find something older, not as pretty, but reliable for a fairly low price, which is worth more than worrying about interest and a car payment.
Once you get settled on your feet, you can begin to consider whether to save for grad school, take loans, or wait a bit.
Am happy to help if you want, email me at munchkin1616 at juno dot com :)
Anonymous
Go ahead and get some people to teach you how to be an adult (what parents actually should do, but often don’t – especially controlling ones). Go ahead and think of this as an investment and get yourself a financial planner (who may say your apartment is too expensive, or may say you’re fine), a life coach or a therapist to help you with this transition and give you the emotional support you need to make a clean break with your father and a mentor to help you out with your new career.
Parents do more than pay for things. They teach you how to invest, what is appropriate with your salary, how to negotiate things in your workplace and relationships. Controlling parents do not do those things because they want you to depend on them. Feeling out of control and scared is actually a form of your father controlling you while claiming not to.
It sounds like you will, in fact, be fine. If you really don’t know what to do about the car which sounds like your most immediate concern (I wouldn’t) ask somebody. I would ask my brother (an automotive engineer), but I have friends I’d ask or even parents of friends. In fact, this might be a good way to find a mentor: to ask a few people at work what they’d recommend and see how people respond. Some people
.
Everyone already gave great advice, I’ll just add – get Suze Orman’s book, the Money Book for the Young Fablous and Broke. From the library.
You will be fine. Promise.
Good grief
I’m genuinely baffled at how everyone is coddling this person. She’s making 80K a year, for God’s sakes, with no loans to pay back, no family to support, and whining about being cut off from her father. You’re all enabling her.
OP, please go volunteer somewhere, or do something that gives you a little perspective. And how horrible could your father be if he paid for your entire college education? The fact that you’re whining like this shows me why he did cut you off.
Anon
I rather thought this too, but tried to keep my comments in a nicer tone- perhaps she honestly doesn’t know/understand that she is in a really good situation and hasn’t even known to learn about money and not relying on others. I matured slowly financially then had a hard patch this way and don’t blame anyone but myself, for failing to learn about budgets before mid-20s so it was a pretty big shock when I had to do the survive in the big city thing. And wasn’t making $80. So, you are right, but most of us probably want to be kinder and the advice might be better received if not in a tough love tone. But, agree. She should get a little perspective one way or another.
Good grief
Thank you for your reasoned reply. That makes sense – you’re right.
yes
oh my gosh agree. But in a nicer way I guess I don’t think its fair to say that’s why he cut her off. But OP you graduated college, you should be”cut off” he is not even really cutting you off your an adult its just time to start paying for your own stuff. I think you have been spoiled- but that is not really your fault. But you are in a very fortunate situation, like close to the top percentages of wealth in the whole country.
anony
Agreed. It might seem scary at this point for the OP, but she’s got a pretty idea financial situation and has a lot of options. This shouldn’t be a difficult set of parameters to live within. Many of us do it with much less, for more family members, with less initial support.
Anonymous
I had to work in high school to pay for clothes and any spending money for field trips, etc. I didn’t have to pay rent, but I was completely on my own to pay for college. I bought a Chevy Nova was I was 19 years old for 500 bucks. I worked as a waitress for years until I got a state gig that barely paid the bills. I have no advice in this situation.
Anonymous
Oh, I just posted above and I realize that I do have advice! Go to an ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) or al-anon meeting as soon as you can. Dad was a drunk? Yep, he may pay for everything and think he is the bomb, but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t get screwed up by him. The fact that you are a good student and worker tells me that you are trying to control a few aspects in your life. Really. Go to a meeting. :)
DC Anon
Thank you all so much for the advice and reassurance. I am trying to take a deep breath and stop freaking out and go forth with some of the things that need to be done.
To give more detail on the finances, my rent is 1600 + 200 (parking, utilities, internet) = 1800. I contribute 400/mo to my little brother’s public boarding high school payments. These are the ‘fixed costs’ I was mentioning – brother must go to this school because he can’t stand my dad and has attempted suicide before. i would take out a loan in order to pay for him to be away from my dad if it came to it.
I have been trying to save $1000 a month at least but it has somehow been difficult – I think many of you are right and I need to stop trying to keep up with my co-workers and stop going out as much and eating out. I recently had a minor car accident and am paying $1000 for that as well.
I understand that being ‘cut off’ as is generally interpreted is nothing to complain about. I guess I am just mostly scared at really being alone in the world. I don’t really have any friends (no one else to talk to about this) and only my immediate family here (parents were immigrants). My brother doesn’t speak to me. My parents have been financially supportive of my education and I do appreciate that. I behaved my entire life like I owed them everything because of it. My dad has been physically abusive since I was little.
I do understand that I’m in what you would call a ‘relatively good situation’ but I also don’t know how to do anything by myself except study (which I was good at) and work (which I’m okay at). I’m a 22 year old child playing pretend in the real world and I just needed to hear it was going to be okay. Thanks everyone.
DC Anon
As a note, I think that parents providing financial support for education is not always equivalent to them being loving parents. Some of you are saying “how bad can he be?” and I guess my only answer is that culturally, my parents are expected to pay for my education. People who have close to nothing will sell everything to send their kids to Harvard. but it doesn’t mean that my dad didn’t abuse me my entire life when he was mad and drunk, or that he is a good parent by any means.
Good grief
You sound very sweet. Your ability to take both constructive and admittedly very harsh criticism says a lot about you. Thanks for clarifying, and I apologize for saying you were whining – I understand your perspective much better now.
Anne Shirley
$1000 savings a month is a lot! A great goal, but cutting back on that gives you ample money for a car.
P
I disagree – at that salary, $1000 a month with no loan payments should be a piece of cake, even at $2200 in fixed costs. DCAnon, good idea to start cutting back on keeping up with your coworkers – chances are, they aren’t saving any money either.
TCFKAG
Quick belated response…
It sounds like you have TWO issues here — which are really sort of distinct.
(1) Your first, and probably longest term issue, is that you clearly have serious issues with your family. Your dad is an abusive, controlling alcoholic. Part of the cycle in these sorts of relationships often involve a real need to control the people around them. It sounds like your dad has done this to you (and your brother) so that you feel both sick and disappointed with him and your self because of your relationship AND like being “cut off” by him means you are “alone in the world.” Being 22 and independent is scary, but its even scarier when you’ve been raised by someone who manipulates you in this way. It is vital that you find yourself a support group of others who have experienced this, as well as a making other friends (maybe join a sporting event) so you just feel less lonely.
(2) Your finances — I know it seems scary right now but you really do make a REALLY good salary for your age. Try to remember that. The first couple of months might be scary, but really sit down and budget. Figure out what you can (will) cut out. Try to find an apartment where you can get a roommate when you can so that you share expenses. And until you get things balanced, maybe savings shouldn’t be your first priority. (Sign up for mint or another budgeting website to help you do that).
Again, repeat to yourself that you’re going to be fine, in the long run this is for the best, and you are going to take action to make the best out of this situation.
Nancy D
I second the poster who suggested ACOA or AlAnon. The fact that you are helping to pay for little brother to keep him out of the firing line is a clear statement of how the family dynamic affects all sorts of life decisions. Good luck to you…you are not the only one to struggle with this, and you can find help and encouragement.
Bonnie
It sounds like you will be ok even if you have to eat ramen for a while. If you live in the DC area, do you really have to have a car? Can you get to work by public transport. It sounds like that would cut down your costs a lot. Good luck!
Coach Laura
DC Anon, you’ve gotten some good advice here and I too have some comments (a bit late…internet was down).
Given your updated posts, I think you have two issues. The first is that your support system (abusive as it may be/have been) is gone and that affects the practical money side and the personal side. The second is that your past and upbringing have left you a “22 y.o. child”. It’s like you are suddenly set down in Uruguay, and you expected to be in DC. It doesn’t matter that you were 22 or 18 or 28, when parents suddenly cut one off, it is a shock if you expected a level of support that is now gone. (It happened to me at 18, but there was no abuse.) Kudos to you for helping your brother and I hope he realizes it someday soon.
So as an adult, you can build your own support system. Right now, you have no safety net but you can take care of yourself this way both monetarily and psychically. Others have mentioned a support group for children of alcoholics – which is a great idea – or support group for former abused children, both of which might help you help your brother too.
You may or may not want to build a “family” to help you have a sense of belonging in the larger world. It may be big or small, official or unofficial. This could be built around a passion or you may fall into it accidentally. The passion could be competitive cycling, knitting, a book club, a volunteer activity, a running group … anything and you may not find it right away this year or next year. Since you said that you are good at school, you might consider signing up to help disadvantaged kids prepare for SAT exams and/or prepare for college applications: Boys and Girls Clubs or Big Brother/Big Sister charities have these types of programs. It might give you a good sense of your gifts and your strengths. You could also volunteer as an adult mentor through your alumni association.
I hope you can find your place and get some peace.
K in NYC
Any suggestions for blogs and websites that are staying active during the holidays? I’m beyond thrilled and grateful that my dog is recovering nicely, but his emergency meant the cancellation of my holiday plans. I’m now not only single for the holidays, I’m also hanging out at home solo (all roommates are gone). I can’t be away from the pup for more than an hour, so this leaves me with a few books and what I can find to stream online (I don’t have a tv).
Sooo… suggestions of online options (or links to any awesome NYC guys you know of but aren’t right for you lol) would be a great way to pass the time. Thanks, safe travels for all!
NOLA
Hey K, not an online option but you should consider finding a church with incredible music for Christmas morning. I don’t know if you’re religious or even if you are Christian or Jewish or nothing, but I’d say go for the music! St. Thomas on 5th Ave is all men and boys in the choir and they are amazing. Trust me, the big churches have paid choirs and they’ll all have to be there (like me – 5 services this weekend). And you wouldn’t be away from your puppy for much more than an hour.
Sorry you’re all alone for the holidays! You seem like a cool person and if you were here, I’d invite you to brunch at my house.It’ll be all people who don’t have family here.
Alanna of Trebond
Get a Wii! It’s the best!!
K in NYC
no tv and no $, every dime went to the pup’s emergency bills
Ekaterin Nile
Can you run out and buy a box set of an amazing TV show? Like season 1 of the Wire or Battlestar Galactica or the Sopranos?
Rose in Bloom
Hulu! It has lots of good TV shows and is free. Many of them have restrictions so you can only see the last five episodes that aired, so you may need to prepare yourself to start watching in the middle of a season. The most popular show page is a good place to start if you don’t have any shows you usually watch as the good ones are listed first and not lost in the shuffle. I’m happy to make recommendations as I’ve spent the last several days on a Hulu-marathon.
If you don’t want to start in the middle of something, Ekaterin Nile’s suggestion of buying a boxed set is a great idea. It’s really easy to get sucked in and watch half a season of a good show.
And then to counteract all of that TV-watching, I agree with Alanna (love that book BTW!) that Wiis are fun. Wii Fit or Wii Sports can be a good way to stay active inside since you can’t leave your dog for too long.
jr
If you’re not already on Netflix, Hulu Plus, or Amazon Prime, I think you should be able to get a free trial to get you at least through the week, and then you’ll have access to lots of streaming.
Blonde Lawyer
K! I’m so glad your pup is doing better. I am a reformed internet addict so I can give you lots of ways to waste a day online. My current favorite – The Chive. This site will not be for you if you are offended by pics of sexy women. Think – maxim magazine vs. Cosmo. But, I love the site and I get lots of good laughs from it.
See also:
Overheard in NY (and the sister site, Overheard in the Office)
People of Walmart
Fail Blog
Autocorrect Fail
Fail Book
Stuff on my cat
I can haz cheeseburger
Awkward Family Photos
Found Magazine
Post Secret
1000 Awesome Things
ebaums world
K in NYC
most of those on the list are already in my bookmarks… but you don’t have passiveaggressivenotes.com or cake wrecks!
Thanks for the well wishes for the pup, he’s all that matters!
Will check out that website too, it’s a new one on me!
Blonde Lawyer
Oh there are many more. I just couldn’t think of them all. I love passive aggressive notes. Add Regretsy too.
I was hoping they were new to you and you could waste hours going back to the beginning of time on them like I did when I first found Corporette!
Cajunqueen
Reformed Internet Addict? My son is an unreformed internet addict, and because of this he nearly flunked out of college and is now taking a year off to get therapy, etc., at the suggestion of both the school and us. He has been in therapy for months, but his default mode, when he does not have something else he HAS to do or someplace else he has to be, is still to go on the computer in search of entertainment. How did you kick the habit?
Anonymous
“Once upon a time” is surprisingly engaging. All episodes to date are currently on Hulu until early January
NOLA
Had to share a funny holiday sight from this morning. I heard what sounded like a large delivery truck outside my house (I live at the corner of two narrow streets so there’s always danger to my car with big trucks). I peeked out between the blinds to see the Lowe’s driver, with his truck stopped in the middle of my street, with his phone out, taking a picture of our neighborhood peacock. Yes, there is a peacock that roams my neighborhood and if you haven’t seen it, it’s startling. Happy Holidays to all!
another anon
My goodness! Where do you live? (That’s wonderful!)
Anony
I know this is not the thing to discuss on Christmas Eve, but I just need to vent. A few moments ago I decided to cut my mother out of my life. She is a toxic, abusive person who has ruined Christmas for myself and my family two years in a row now. I’m engaged, and she has done everything her power to ruin it–including telling me that my engagement ring (a non-diamond) is cheap, terrible, and that I’ll regret it (which she tells everyone else, publicly, when I’m asked to show them the ring). I used to be very close to my grandmother, and she has poisoned that relationship to the point that I can no longer speak with her either. I have read books, talked to a therapist, talked to my fiance, talked to my father–all trying to come up with some solution, but everything I have tried has failed.
My mother needs therapy/anger management, but she doesn’t see it–even though everyone around her tells her she needs to consider it, she insists that I am the reason she is like this (even though I live over 3 hours away and see her only at holidays). Over the past few years, she developed some kind of resentment toward me–I have no explanation for it–and ever since then, she has become unbearable. I have let her treat me this way for years out of guilt, but the past few incidents have driven me to the point that I don’t feel guilty at all anymore. She has taken years off my life as it is.
Lucy
Hugs. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and IME the holidays often tweak what is an otherwise livable-but-tense relationship into something really unbearable.
You’re not the cause of her problems (as you seem normal, have formed other loving relationships, have sought to understand the conflict, etc.) She might have a mental illness that is at the root of her behavior, or she could just be a nasty person. Either way, there is no *possible* way that you could have caused an otherwise sweet person to behave like that. It’s not you.
Your choice to cut her out sounds wise. Sorry that it’s so painful.
Rose in Bloom
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve found yourself in a situation like this on Christmas Eve, but it seems like you are doing what is best for you and your continued happiness. You can’t change someone like that, and you are to be commended for trying to fix the situation for as long as you have.
I hope you and your fiance have a lovely Christmas and that 2012 is a wonderful new start for y’all. Hugs.
Rebound
Anony,
That sounds like a wise and well-considered decision on your part.
I’m writing to suggest that you be prepared for . . . what? . . . I’m not sure what to call it . . . the “unpreparable-for.” My father cut me out of his life three years ago with a very clear email. Since then, he has occasionally contacted me to ask for something or invite me to lunch/dinner. When I decline (as politely as I can — he is still my dad!), he will respond with a nasty email blaming me for the separation. The last one from a few days ago accused me of arranging my whole life so that I won’t see him before he dies (I’m in my 40s and he’s in his 70s).
If your mom’s grasp on reality is as tenuous as you suggest, she probably has an uncanny ability for distorted thinking. She will say the most unpredictable things to get you to come back, in part because she enjoys having you to do this bad stuff to. I guess what I am trying to say is that you might expect that so that it doesn’t knock you down when it happens.
Good luck.
K in NYC
let’s correct some things here…
1. You haven’t at all failed. You’ve gone out of your way repeatedly to keep this woman in your life and she has shown you why that’s unhealthy to continue.
2. Please know that typically people do the best they’re able. Whatever is going on with her in her life or her history or who knows what, she is clearly someone who doesn’t know how to be gracious or happy for you or supportive. It has nothing to do with you and probably isn’t her choice, it’s just all she knows how to do and be.
3. Because of #2, you’ve made the healthiest choice for yourself as you build your new family with your fiance (and I mean that as the 2 of you, I don’t believe “family” requires children). Choose your best life and live it, regardless of anyone else.
Just breathe and be proud of yourself for having the strength to stop anyone negative from further impacting your life!
Congrats on being so strong!
Anonamoose
The only suggestion I would make, in addition to what the thoughtful posters above have already mentioned is: if you haven’t already read “Toxic Parents” by, Susan Forward, do so right away. It is an AMAZING (sorry, this is one of those times where all caps is appropriate) book.
It helped me to understand how to deal with my nasty, narcissistic, puerile mother. I now no longer feel obliged to deal with her in any way other than on my own terms. And once my father is gone, I will likely have little or nothing further to do with her.
Anonymous
It sounds like you are being perfectly reasonable. But you may want to engage a therapist for the first couple months to help with the transition and make appropriate boundaries and responses. Also, you will then have a mental health professional on your side if your mother does something completely crazy in the future (and you won’t need to explain the whole thing to someone new).
As for why it’s gotten so much worse recently, there is a Freudian theory that as female children reach the peak of sexual maturity / attractiveness their mothers’ are beginning their descent toward sexual decrepit-ness. The original Snow-White / Cinderella stories, where the antagonist is the mother and not the step-mother (step-mothers were added by the Grimms later when people complained that the murderous/abusive mothers were scary) are considered “evidence” of this theory. While I don’t generally believe in Freudian theories (and this one in particular) it may help give you a framework for considering your mother’s behavior.
Hope you are able to get yourself to a healthier place soon!
Anony
OP here. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone–the only person I can talk to about this right now is my fiance, and I don’t think men always understand the complexity of mother/daughter relationships. I was very upset earlier, but as the day has gone on, it’s honestly like a weight off my shoulders–now I just have to awkwardly navigate Christmas with a large extended family. I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to be alone with her or speak with her (I leave on Monday, so it will just be Christmas day).
I feel like I am in a weird place right now–like Rebound said, now that I’ve made the decision, I don’t really know what happens next. One of the reasons I decided to cut her off is because, this morning, her anger turned physical–she actually lunged at me, with her fists, until she had to be dragged away by my father. I can’t ever come back from that, frankly, and don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for it.
But thanks again. My father and fiance are being wonderfully supportive, so it could be worse.
Sydney Bristow
I had to cut my mother out of my life about 7 years ago. To the point that I changed my phone numbers and email address. What you are describing as the “weird place” is completely normal and it will take some time to adjust. You’ll find a new normal. Its not something that everyone can understand. I count myself as very lucky that my dad and stepmom and that entire part of my family is extremely supportive, but I still get comments from friends who don’t understand the entire situation about making up with her some day. If it is something you need to do for your own well-being (emotionally or physically) then its what you need to do. It sounds like you’ve reached that point, so what happens next is that you go on living your life with the people around you who are supportive. It sounds like she clearly knows why you have had to cut her off, so you should try not to allow yourself to get sucked in rehashing it with her. It took me a long time to ultimately cut my mom out completely, and it was incredibly emotionally difficult, but once it was completely done I felt free. Hang in there and enjoy the support you are receiving from your father and fiance.
Anonymous
Quick, interesting article on why it’s a bad idea to sue anyone: http://www.moneyville.ca/article/1104386–a-new-year-s-resolution-don-t-sue-in-2012?bn=1
Ellen
I have an Important Thread-Jack:
The manageing partner wants me to go with him to a legal conference in Boca Raton in February. He is SPEAKING there, so Ican get in FREE, and get All kinds of CLE credit!!!!
I REALLY also want to get away, b/c it will probabely be very COLD here in NYC by then–but I do NOT want to have to spend 3 days with HIM!
Is there a WAY to go, GET the CLE, but NOT have to put up with his stareing at me and his bad breathe for 3 days? Has any one of you done this and how do you do it without getting into TROUBLE?
I do NOT know any one down there, but just want to chill w/o having him hovering over me alot when I am down there.
K in NYC
it sounds like you can do 1 of 3 things…
1. Ask him casually if he thinks there will be time for you to get away or if you’ll be at the event the entire time. Mention that you have some loved ones there whom you’d love to see but you understand work comes first. That’ll get you your answer. (And “loved ones” can mean sand and sun and ocean, so it’s not dishonest)
If he says it’s conference the entire time or makes it clear there’s no time you can get away:
2. Go for the credit and whatnot, grin, bear it, and try to network there to find people to chat with in the hotel lobby restaurant or whatnot so it’s not just the two of you the entire trip.
3. Tell him you appreciate the offer, would have loved to have gone, hope he considers you in the future, but you have x,y,z things to do that have to take priority.
Alanna of Trebond
K, I love that you are giving serious answers to Ellen! :-)
K in NYC
throws hands up… see how much free time I have?!
Ellen
Thank you, K–We are BOTH in New York City and probabley have alot in common as young Urban Professional lawyers! Have a WONDERFUL holiday. I think I will have to stick with #1. Thank you for your sage advise!
K in NYC
hope you’re doing something fun today, I’m in Astoria and finding nothing open (was going to order delivery food) :)
Feeling bummed
Anyone dealing with crushing loneliness this weekend? I’m still reeling from an unexpected breakup from my fiance earlier this year. It hurts to know that he’s having a grand holiday with his family and the girl he left me for (15 years his junior, still in college though they are making plans for marriage after she graduates). It also hurts that my friends know I’m going through a hard time and that I don’t have any family in the area, yet all of them are too busy with their own partners and families to make time for me. And to make matters worse, I’m feeling guilty that I’m wallowing in self pity instead of doing something useful like volunteering at a shelter.
Bah humbug. Excuse me while I put on a Santa hat, pour a glass of wine, and cuddle with Hulu.
Monday
I am so sorry. Sending a hug.
You know how to take care of yourself, but my one piece of advice would be…feel zero guilt! None. Wine and hulu is a perfectly healthy and harmless way to deal with a set of circumstances like this. Maybe you’ll be up for volunteering some future Christmas, when everything’s going just peachy and you think back to now and want to show gratitude. Right now, have lots of compassion for yourself.
Feeling bummed
Thank you. Make that wine, Hulu, and NORAD Santa tracker. Yes, the tracking videos make me giggle. I really do love Christmas and shouldn’t let a temporary situation bum me out so much.
Ekaterin Nile
I’ve been checking out the NORAD Santa tracker all day. I have no idea why, but I find it quite amusing!
K in NYC
I was… I’m recently out of a relationship too, one where we were talking marriage, and he’s in warmer weather with someone flighty and new. Friends are all out of town and I’m not close to my bio family. I was prepared to bum my way through it.
And then my dog had an emergency and ended up in the ICU. I am so grateful to have him that everything else seems silly by comparison.
I think it might be helpful for you to find other ways to help if you don’t feel like leaving to volunteer somewhere and can’t force yourself to do so anyway… find a website and donate your time or money, call a nursing home and ask if you could speak with someone who doesn’t have any family and just talk to that person (or several people) for as long as the person wants, etc.
You could also appoint yourself the point person for your friends… they’re all traveling and dealing with families, which means stress and drama for them… post on networking sites and such that you can be the person they call/text/email to vent to. They feel better, you’re getting called/texted/emailed, and it reminds you why you’re the lucky one!
And/Or, you feel free to email with me and we can just be penpals through the day… munchkin1616 at juno dot com
sending hugs!
Feeling bummed
I’m sorry to hear about your pup but glad he’s going to be okay. I couldn’t imagine losing my pup … I say this as he’s snoozing on my feet, keeping them warm. I feel closer to him than to most people, really.
These are great ideas, especially offering myself up for talk. I might also write letters tonight, which will force me to focus on good thoughts.
K in NYC
There’s something truly lovely about receiving a real letter in the mail from someone. I lost my job about 2 months ago too but was working with low income senior citizens. I used to hear them discuss how little some of their families were in touch. I have no doubt that a call from someone who was just wanting to hear about his/her day would be a lovely gift for someone in a nursing home.
As for my little one, he’s on new forever meds but I get more time with him and I’m going to believe that the loss of job had to happen to give me that.
Like I said though, feel free to email, I’m around!
meara
Yay for corporette bonding, at least! I’m in an airport for several hours, on my way back to my parents’ place. While not nearly as bad as Anony, above, we will both be trying to figure out (as we do every year) what are appropriate boundaries for our mother. On the one hand, I’m all for setting boundaries….on the other hand, I’m not always sure where it’s just me being a brat, I suppose! Oh, family fun. I really need to add some alcohol to the festivities to make it better, but my parents don’t drink and neither does my sister’s husband, so I’m not sure there’ll be any around!
K in NYC
do what college kids do, bring a flask or keep a bottle of what I call “vodkafina” (aka a water bottle in your bag that’s actually filled with vodka) haha
meara
I totally will…but I texted my sister after I posted and she told me she has tequila and red wine. And by the time I get there the liquor stores will be closed Til the 26th! I think tequila might be overkill, sadly.
Andrea
Hugs to you. You are not alone, but try to relax and focus on the good in it –it is actuall better that the doofus left now rather than later after you got married and had a child or 2. That would be so more crushing and you would have a lot more complicated life then. More important, remember there are a lot of cute guys out there waiting for you who are decent and who will adore and respect you, and make you their priority in life. Those are the guys you want anyway! So I know it is hard right now, but it will be so much better very soon for you. I recommend a nice bottle of merlot and some parmigiana cheese and crackers to watch a movie with. There will be plenty of time to share this with a guy later on.
Feeling bummed
Yes and yes. This has been my standard self-therapy line — “bullet dodged.” New girl will also probably end up very hurt, but that’s just something all women have to experience and learn from.
Not sure about the guys in waiting, though. I have no current options and have had zero success with online dating. I think it would be better to focus on making sure my life can be fulfilling alone, rather than holding out hope for a man who may never come.
eek
I’m very sorry you’re alone. I have all my family here and it’s great to be with the kids, but SO is overseas for second Christmas in a row.
Any chance you can invite yourself over to dinner tomorrow? I can’t imagine leaving any of my friends alone on Christmas – maybe they think you want to be alone? I would absolutely insist they come hang out with me and my family.
eek
if you are in DC metro area, consider yourself invited to my family’s brunch and dinner.
Ballerina Girl
I know we post about this topic a lot, but I’m having a lot of trouble adjusting to a lower salary (left Big Law) — I mostly just spend too much on clothes, stuff for my apartment, and going out with friends. I don’t buy big things…just lots of little things. Anyone have any suggestions for cutting back on frivolous spending? I’m unsubscribing from “flash sale” email lists because they tend to lead to impulse buys. Any other tips? I was thinking of setting a weekly limit on credit card purchases (I try to put everything on cards so I can keep track of purchases–even lunch out, etc).
Thanks all! Merry Christmas and happy Hanukkah!
KA
I had to do this before saving up to buy my first house, and I found Suze Orman’s *9 Steps to Financial Freedom* incredibly helpful. It’s a lot of basic stuff (track all your spending first), but it’s useful because it’s specific (e.g. I spend tons of money on books, which I didn’t think of as bad), and teaches you to set priorities and make choices around money (instead of no-nos and budgets).
Lawyer Bird
I set up gmail filters so that all of my Shopping emails skip the inbox and are archived, with a “shopping” label applied so I can find them (I filter by the email address from which stores send their emails). This way, if I want to buy a particular item I can go to the shopping folder and look for coupons from that store, but otherwise I don’t read shopping emails that would make me consider buying something I would otherwise want.
I also move all of my non-discretionary spending to a separate bank account, and pay my bills out of that account (most employers can split your direct deposit between two or three different accounts; I just have automatic transfers set up so on the same day I get paid, my non-discretionary funds get transferred out). The only money in my main checking account is my discretionary funds. I pay with my debit card or get cash, and if I run out, I’m out until payday and have to make do.
Anonymous
I did a “spending diet” (that’s what I think of it) where I don’t spend anything on anything but food for a week. If I don’t shop two weeks a month not only do I not spend as much, but on the weeks I do spend I actually spend less, because I’ve been thinking about what to get for a week and have fewer impulse purchases.
It’s worked better than anything else I tried — until Christmas shopping messed me up. But I’m ready to go back to my “diet” in January!
Anon
Easier said than done, I know, but you need to stop shopping as entertainment. Find another hobby.
Anon
Yes, you don’t actually need to shop AT ALL. There are probably next to zero items you need to get, and if so, virtually nothing you can’t get second hand. this might be a foreign concept to many readers but it is true mostly. I once didn’t buy any new clothes for 3 years, all second-hand, and have many beautiful fine fabric and designer things. Even second-hand can add up too though so probably you need an overall spending break/decline. Try a hobby like salsa dancing or pottery or such that will occupy time/distract in a healthy way.
I’ve had money, and no money, so understand how other things become the norm. Yes, unsubscribe from 100% of those emails. Pick cheap places for lunch or pack lunch. Cook dinners with friends instead of going out. Don’t drink alcohol at restaurants ever, this doubles your bill. Treat yourself to some at home, from Costco. Get rid of big recurring bills. I use my work phone for personal (not everyone can of course). I have basic cable for $13, and the lack of tv makes me more active in other ways. Think about things you enjoy that don’t require spending, and schedule them in. Decline events that require money. I got 7 novels from Goodwill this week to read over Xmas and beyond. Every time you are about to go spend, think ‘how can I do this differently?’
Personally don’t find trying to make budgets all that helpful, just making different choices. Don’t let charges slide- so many places (cell phone, etc) overcharge you and it requires unpleasant calls to get your money back. I have gotten thousands over the years this way. My husband prefers to let these things go but it’s basically theft. Look at the bills/notices you get. Sell some stuff on ebay/craigslist. It will feel good. Give away a few bags, take the tax deduction.
Don’t get caught in the holiday gift-giving frenzy of waste (maybe too late:) Do more meaningful things for people than spend.
Anyway these are some things I do. Good luck!
Baby lawyer
A bit of a threadjack here re: selling on ebay/giving things away. I have finally (!) decided to thoroughly clean out my closet and get rid of things I do not wear (or worse, have never worn). I have clothes in all sorts of conditions, ranging from new with tags, to very used. My plan is to sell the new and barely worn items, and donate the rest. I have a few questions.
For donating: Where is the best place to take clothes to donate in NYC? What condition do the clothes need to be in?
For selling: Has anyone here ever sold clothes on ebay? How much time/effort does it take? Is it worth the hassle? How do you handle the shipping? I’m a junior associate and my free time is not extensive, but life is only going to get more complicated and the clothes are only going to get more out of style so I figure I may as well do this now.
Any advice/thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
K in NYC
what types of clothing items are they? sizes? different types/purposes (work vs play, etc) and different sizes will mean different answers here.
Sydney Bristow
Ebay charges you some percentage on the sale price, so you might get the same amount of money by taking them to a store like Plato’s Closet that will buy used clothes. That way you wouldn’t have to deal with the shipping. You could also try selling them on Craigslist and setting up times to meet the people who buy items.
Anon
I find sometimes it’s easier just to donate/take the 25% tax deduction than sell. If sell, I like to go to walk-in stores that will evaluate within an hour while I shop then give cash or credit. The places with appointments are too hard, and selling on line is too much work. I noted ebay above bc I know others like it but I don’t have the patience personally. In Seattle, Crossroads is good, in NYC Beacon’s Closet in Park Slope does the same (walk-in buying).
AB
This is a very timely post for me! I reviewed my year-trends on Mint, and I was shocked at how much money I spend on “little things” too. The starbucks, the cute 40% sale top from AT, the really great flats from gilt…. it adds up fast. When I was in big law, it was a hiccup. Now that I make significantly less I need to change my habits before they literally ruin me. To that end I am going on a spending diet. I’ve thought about this alot, and here is what I will try:
– Use what I have now: I have three containers of perfectly good face moisturizer in the fridge. Same for bath salts. Hair product. Febreeze. Nail polishes I’ve never used. I want to to really run out of “X” before I buy any more, rather than shop to “try” something new. Bc its getting ridiculous.
– Reduce my clothes shopping: I have to re-organize my closet every 3-4 months because I keep buying more yet, I have nothing to wear! Now I hope to spend at least a few months living with the clothes (and shoes, purses, scarves, sweaters) I currently own before adding anything new. I also hope to ID the “holes” in my wardrobe and fill them with higher quality pieces. Bc 4 crappy BR tops = 1 really great silk blouse.
-Poof goes the money: I spend it bc I can. So, I’m going to ninja-trick my brain into thinking that I have no money by transferring it all out as soon as I get it. Total for my set monthly bills to one acc, savings goals to another, extra payments to CC and student loans, then whatever is left I get to spend.
-Cook at home: I love to cook but I never do it. I claim I’m too busy and I have no time. And I probably have no time bc I’m busy shopping (see above). So I’m going to cook more, pack more lunches, and eat out less.
-Focus on the happy: the highlights of my year are not the purses, the mani/pedis, or the new sheets. Its the time I’ve spent with friends, family and my dogs. Time I’ve spent honing new skills and learning. So I’m going to focus on getting to the happy. Plus, one of the reasons I took this job was so that I could have more time for all of these things. I want to cherish this and not waste it.
This was far more than I originally intended to write, but I hope it helps! If any other corporettes have any tricks or tips, I would love to hear them too. Best of luck OP!
Ballerina Girl
Thanks, this is really helpful. I don’t really want to cut everything out of my spending life–just the crap. The unnecessary stuff. Which is a lot.
Thanks, all!
Amy H.
I think you’ve gotten some good advice above — I just wanted to add a recommendation for the book “Your Money or Your Life” by Joe Rodriguez and Vicki Robin. It focuses on bringing one’s spending in line with one’s priorities in life.
Head of the Household
Please comment on being wildly more financially successful than your husband even dreams to be and resenting him for it.
K in NYC
is this new or was this always the case? Did you discuss this and he’s changed his mind or was this not an issue for you until something changed for you?
Head of the Household
The potential for income disparity due to education and backgrounds always existed. My career took off as his long-held job and in fact industry ended due to the financial crisis. At the same time, our living expenses increased. When his job ended, he made half-hearted efforts at finding another, had no interest in going back to school, and landed on starting a business which after some time has not been profitable. I financially support the family and his unprofitable business.
Anonymous
When my hubby’s industry and tech job started to collapse, he announced to me he wanted to stop working altogether, go to music school and start a rock band. Totally out of the blue. He’s not even a music person. Doesn’t know a single instrument. All joking aside, I thought I was going to have an aneurysm and that perhaps he was having a breakdown. It was a tough convo. I feel for you.
another anon
My BFF and her SO are in this situation. It helps to understand why you want to be married and focus on that.
Anonymous
Well there are two separate issues here: the earning issue / his business and the resentment.
I would recommend trying to separate out your feelings from the money as much as possible. Resentment will not fix the money and will damage your relationship. Consider couples therapy for that or even financial therapy (Cary Tennis of Ask Me Anything swears by it). For instance, you might discover that you resent him because you view men supported by their wives as weak, or you resent the pressure of being the bread earner, or of having gender roles reversed.
The next thing you need to do is bring in someone to figure out how your husband’s business can be profitable (or if it’s better to close it down). If you do close it down, get him a career coach to help him figure out what to do.
Identify the problems, get expert advice and solve the problems.
Head of the Household
These are great comments.
Can anyone comment on men being supported by wives, the pressure of being the bread earner, and what are gender roles?
Can anyone comment on should hubby borrow money from his parents if he wants to continue this business? Should I cut him off and say I won’t pay for this anymore and if you want to continue, you have to get money from someone else? Should I make him answer to specific goals, present business plan, etc?
K in NYC
these questions don’t sound like a relationship, they sound like questions regarding gender role expectations and business deals.
I can’t tell if this is someone you love and see yourself with and you’re trying to work to help him be in the financial position he wants to be in, if you’re trying to force him to be in another position, or if you’re trying to feel less weird/bad/etc. about making more.
cc
It sounds like you are having real severe problems with the gender roles. I outearn my husband pretty significantly but would never speak about it like you do. It has been “our” money for a long time, I would not dream of using the words “cut him off” Not saying that to make you feel bad, but just to point out I think you have some pretty large hang ups about the situation and it sounds like it is something that is festering, therapy might be helpful for you. If the situation were reversed, would you expect him to provide for you?
Head of the Household
I meant cut him off from paying for his business that makes no money and has no hope of making money as far as I can see for a very long time. Is this something I need therapy for, or just advice and support from smart women like you’all? Why is it that when a women is looking out for herself/her family and acting in a business-like manner, therapy is the suggestion?
cc
Isn’t he your family though? You are resenting your spouse, that’s a strong word and I would suggest therapy to a male friend who was starting to resent his wife as well, it is a powerful emotion. I truly was not trying to come off as harsh, but reading your words on paper I did find it rather shocking. It seems like there are a few separate problems there, since I’m assuming you are not jumping right to cutting him off and have talked to him about how the business is failing and not profitable. Has he been resistant to talks? and resistant to ending the business?
K in NYC
Let’s clear something up… therapy isn’t a question because you should kowtow and move on, but because you seem to have some real marriage issues based on the word choices you’ve used.
As for the factual aspects, what is your goal in 5 yrs? 10? If your goal is to still be married to this person, it may behoove you to have marriage counseling and financial counseling as a couple. That may mean finding a way to make this business profitable, it may mean making a plan to end the business, or it may mean he works double duty; one job that pays while he keeps the business going until it can’t or until some preset deadline.
If you’re not sure, then that likely means it’ll someday be no, which means it’s time to begin to protect yourself. If that is the case, figure out how soon you want to be out and that should help you decide how much longer, if at all, you want to continue to fund his business.
I shouldn’t speak for everyone, but in this case (as both a licensed therapist and as a member here), I will. We have no ties to you or your husband, no reason to take any side over any other. We cover all ages, relationship levels, and professional stati. In other words, we have zero reason to intentionally offend or give poor advice. We’re simply trying to go on the bit of info any person provides. Please don’t be offended by us, just give us more info so we get a clearer picture! :)
mamabear
Just had to share my Christmas Eve miracle.
I had given up on one particular package arriving in time for Christmas, and was sitting on the couch reading a book. I heard someone stomp up my steps and there was my UPS guy, wearing a leopard print santa hat. He smiled and waved at me and left the package on my porch.
By the time I opened the door to say thanks, he was already getting into his car. That’s right – his car. Not his UPS truck. I’m thinking he might have done this on his personal time.
Thanks UPS!!
NOLA
That is so awesome! Gotta say, reading Corporette on my phone got me through the second time of the same sermon tonight. Home briefly then back again for round three…
Lawyer Bird
If you regularly have the same UPS guy and you know his name or could identify him, you should call management and commend him.
Merry Christmas!
Anon
except- don’t say you think he was on personal time/car- that would violate rules esp if he’s in a union and could get him in big trouble! maybe better, just do something nice for him. or give him a letter to give to mgt. himself.
conbrio
Did you do the bend ‘n snap? :)
Nancy D
Works every time!
Hive Mind
Isn’t phone use during the service kind of frowned upon?
NOLA
Yes in general phone use is frowned upon but I am in a loft wedged betwen brass and strings singing at 3 identical services tonight. Wed had egg and bacon sandwiches for dinner becausd we had so little time. Give me a break!
conbrio
I’m a church organist, and I totally feel your pain! This is one of the easiest Christmases I’ve had in years – one service last night and one this morning, but sometimes it’s just one after another after another. I hope you’re getting a chance to relax today!
NOLA
Nope not yet! Back at church this morning. Just found out I’m singing a solo! On 5 hours sleep..
Lucy
Have a lovely post-Christmas, and from someone who really cherishes the amazing music at church … thank you!!
NOLA
My friends just left after a 4 hour brunch. We finally got a chance to kick back and eat and drink and relax. I guess everything was good – I thought I cooked enough for an army but the food was just about gone!
cbackson
Haha, I am a church vocalist, and I totally sympathize. I ate one meal on Christmas Eve, between services and everything being closed.
Concealer
Does anyone have suggestions for a concealer that won’t make my breakouts even worse? Every time I put concealer on my zits I feel like the next day the breakout is twice as bad.
Blonde Lawyer
Does anyone have suggestions for a concealer that won’t make my breakouts even worse? Every time I put concealer on my zits I feel like the next day the breakout is twice as bad.
Anonymous
I really like Amazing cosmetics concealer. Great coverage without clogging pores.
Miriam
My b/f bought me a gorgeous diamond ring for the holidays. I am a size 4/5 and the ring is a size 7 so when I get it sized there would be a chunk of gold left over. Should I ask to keep the gold? Put it back into the ring? What is the proper thing to do? TIA! And hope everyone had a great holiday!
MIDDLE coast
Save it. Your ring may need to be enlarged as you age.
EM
ROFL!! I’ve been married for over 11 years. Was crazy young when I got married (21, yeah). Needless to say, one child and over a decade later, my finger is fatter than it was when I first got it. Getting it resized was one of the best things I’ve done recently.
I wouldn’t bother saving the chunk they take out. Ask maybe if they could credit you the price of the small sliver of metal they remove and roll it into the cost of getting the ring sized. Really, it’s going to be a pretty small piece regardless, so it’s probably worth less than $50, IMHO.
Lawyer Bird
You could sell it or exchange it at the store for another piece of jewelry. I woulnd’t save it; even if you need to have your ring resized in the future, you can worry about it then.
Anon
Maybe I’ve been to bad places but I have found they are never willing to give it back. I am a size 3.5 and always have to downsize and always ask about this and they say it’s not enough to parce out or whatever which I always thought was bullcrap.
Miriam
He got the ring at Zales and when we went to get it sized, the lady said it needs to be sent out to get an estimate because it is going down 3 sizes, size 7 to 4. They only make size 7 so we cannot order another one. She also said it could be more expensive because they may need to make a new bottom of the ring. I’m not sure if we would get a better deal going somewhere else to have it sized because I don’t think it is right for us to be charged more just because I need a smaller size and they don’t make it. Any advice or opinions? I also heard that stores in the mall, Zales, Kat, etc, aren’t the best with accommodating customers.
EM
Go to an independent jewler. Preferably one that can make pieces from scratch. They’ll probably be able to give you a better deal, but at the very least the workmanship will be better than what a mall store will do for resizing.
LawChick
I have the same issue with ring sizes. I wear a 3 and the smallest most rings come in is a 5. I know with all of my rings they do go in a tighten the stones, because when a ring is sized down that much the stones can become loose. I have never heard of anyone having to “make a new bottom” for a ring. If they are giving you such a hard time for this, I vote on returning it and going somewhere else.
My husband just bought be a right-hand ring for our anniversary and he got it at Jared and they sized it down from a 6 to a 3 with no problem. But I honestly cannot remember if the sizing was included in the price- some stores charge extra for this. Anyway, enough said. I feel your pain and good luck!
AnonInfinity
I’m very happily married for 6 years, but I feel really weird that my only serious boyfriend besides my husband got married yesterday. Ugh.
K in NYC
not usually a fancy or a dress person but there’s a pic of a navy dress in the ad at the top of this page that is so gorgeous, I kinda want it… http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/tile-be-there-dress
But the reviews aren’t so good… not that it matters, I could never pay that much for a dress!
Lawyer Bird
You realize it’s $99, right, not $999? Very affordable. ModCloth quality isn’t always the greatest, though.
K in NYC
I do realize that, but I’m a social worker by profession, recently laid off, having just used the 5k in savings for my dog’s emergency vet bills. I have literally eaten ramen for dinner every night since Tuesday. $99 for anything, let alone a dress, is beyond out of my price range.
You’re right about quality though, it’s tough to know when you can’t touch things… I just think it’s unique but not over the top, which is sometimes tough to find.
K in NYC
Just curious…
If you could have anything in the world, what would you want as your holiday gift?
K in NYC
we’re moving over to the newer post, for anyone wanting to chat with us :)