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This happened a week or two ago, but: the Trina Turk collection at Banana Republic is here! A lot of it is too breezy for the office, but for the weekend… well, that's another story. I love this beautiful “Coachella” print, not to mention those gorgeous colors, and I like that it's silk. (They also have it as a bikini or a scarf.) The dress is $130. Banana Republic Trina Turk Coachella One Shoulder DressSales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Salary update
In case anyone remembers, I had asked about salary negotiations recently and did manage to get the base bumped up by (wait for it) two thousand dollars! Not really enough to mitigate the annoyance of talking to the HR recruiter worth it (he was so rude) but I’ll take it. I accepted the offer.
M-C
It’s all practice, and you did fine :-). Any trying is good, both for you and for them. Hopefully you’ll never have anything to do with HR recruiter again, and can even slip in a bad word for him after you’re settled in and everyone likes you. First glowing performance review: “to think I almost didn’t take this great job because HRr was such a schmuck about it :-)!!”.
Bluejay
Recently I’ve noticed that my beloved Cole Haan Air Talia pumps have gone on sale on basically every website and in stores. I’m terrified that this means they’re being discontinued and have a strong urge to buy 6 pairs of them (which I can’t afford, of course) because I never want to not have a pair anymore, ever. Does anyone know if they’ve been discontinued?
anon
Why not call Cole Haan and ask? It could be this season’s shoes are on the outs, and they are making room for next season.
Bluejay
You’re a genius. Believe it or not, it didn’t occur to me to just contact the company.
TCFKAG
Or that they’re redesigning next seasons. I agree with asking before you buy six pairs. :-)
M-C
Do investigate, but I tend to agree – can we compromise on 2 pairs :-)?
Bluejay
I just panicked and bought one pair, because it was the last pair in my size available on Zappos. :) Now I have black and brown pairs – surely that will suffice for a few years. They are well-made shoes.
M-C
Whew. Shoe emergency averted. That’s very good :-).
Bluejay
I’m so glad i have online friends who understand my crises. :)
Need some encouragement
Hate to be a downer on the Open Thread, but I could use a bit of Hive Help.
Without revealing too much, I’m going through a rough time in my personal life. Almost three months ago, found out that my husband was having an affair…while one of my parents was terminally ill. I only found out bc I “busted” him. Seems that we may stay together because, to be even more complicated, we have small kids.
So…parent has died (dealing w that, but generally okay). He was generally supportive at the services, but we’re back to our old patterns (he drinks too much and doesn’t want to do anything but play on internet, I feel like the den mother / hired help). For some reason, I’m just feeling very weak / vulnerable for the last three days and need some cheering… the Abercrombie “call me maybe” video just ain’t doing it. ;)
FWIW, I have been in counseling since just before discovering said infidelity. And reading earlier posts has reminded me that there are lives far worse than mine. That being said, I value this community as a group of like-minded kick-@$$ women who can give the the shove to get rolling again.
Abercrombie link--enjoy!
http://tinyurl.com/dyrt68q
Equity's Darling
Oh. my. gosh. This video was the BEST part of my day. (admittedly, my day was frustrating and overwhelming, so the standard isn’t very high, but still).
TCFKAG
First of all, that’s a lot of really attractive men who can’t really dance (I realize the music might not have actually been playing while they were doing it…but sweet jesus.)
But can I say this. Comparing hardships is like comparing illnesses. Yes there’s always someone who has it worse (oh, you have a chronic pain condition…well I have cancer.) And thinking about people with cancer has never made us feel better, because pain is pain, no matter whose experiencing it.
The one thing I DO know though is that you are not a weak woman. You are incredibly strong to have gotten this far. Now that the immediate pain of your parent’s death is over, it seems like its time to lay down the law with your husband. Because there are lots of reasons to stay in a relationship with someone (and I don’t necessarily think infidelity has to be a marriage ender, I’m sort of with Dan Savage on this one…I believe honesty is the key). The bigger red flag to me is that he treats you badly and sounds like he’s drinking to much and you feel used. Those would be unacceptable to me.
Anyway, obviously those are just the two cents of a complete stranger on the internet. But you are strong. Not weak. And those are very attractive men. You should also look up the Musical Talmud version of that song for a different laugh.
NOLA
I think this version of that song is totally adorable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEsPhTbJhuo
OP
NOLA, awesome!
LawyrChk
Wow. WHY has this not been brought to my attention until now?
OP
‘r e t t e s, thank you for the empathy, the cheering and the ideas for using household tools in, ahem, unorthodox ways. ;)
I think you’ve all hit on the things that are bugging me. I never thought that cheating would *not* be a hard line for me. At first, I was ready for divorce–over, done, out. And now, I just don’t know. And I think that’s why I feel weak. In my professional life (which is actually pretty fab), I am decisive and rarely doubt myself. I’m also pretty even-keeled in my work, which is, I think, why this storm of emotions is a bit distressing.
And I guess, it’s a blow to my ego, too. I think I’m a pretty nice person, reasonably intelligent, am in shape and take care of myself pretty well, especially considering all that has gone on. So it’s hard to feel “not good enough.”
But! Hearing from all of you helps me to refocus on strengths and I’m feeling more positive, if not about my marriage, at least about my ability to “walk through fire” (thanks, NOLA). Thanks to all!
NOLA
I’m so glad you’re feeling more positive. FWIW, some of my walking through fire was my mother’s death when I was in my early 20s and my divorce right after returning from Katrina. Unfortunately you’re having to deal with this at the same time. It sounds cliched, but I have found that what doesn’t kill me has made me stronger.
K... in transition
late to the party but thought you might still be reading… no need to let it kick your ego… Halle Berry got cheated on, as has Heidi Klum and they’re gorgeous and fabulous and awesome with small kids, so it’s clearly the jerk, not the gal, when such happens. Kick him out of your life before your kids start to think adults are -supposed to- have low self esteem!
M-C
You aren’t going to feel great no matter what after losing a parent. But it sounds like there’s a lot more here. You know, coping with small kids alone is a problem. But coping with small kids and a jerk of a husband is a lot worse. Small kids are easier to control, if nothing else, and if you’re doing all the work and getting no support at a time you really need it it’s not cool. Can you talk to a trusted friend about all this? How about a quick survey of the landscape with a divorce lawyer?
After my mother died, I knew immediately I should move on with the current relationship too. I gave it another year, because I didn’t want to be too hasty and do a death-rebound thing. But in retrospect I just wasted that extra year..
L girl
Personally, I would castrate the cad! I would never let that organ near me again.
Bluejay
Are you going to counseling together? Because you’re going to need a lot of support for your marriage to survive an affair, bereavement, his drinking, and your resentment/feeling like hired help. If he won’t go to counseling with you, well, I’d say he’s not terribly invested in your marriage. I understand trying to make it work because of the kids, but you BOTH need to try, not just you.
M-C
Just a couple words of caution about counseling – it can just make the drinker learn better excuses, it’s not a panacea. If things are bad enough they can learn better excuses about blaming you. OP, you need to decide whether this marriage is really worth while to you before you invest more $$ and time into a losing proposition.
OP
Thanks, M-C. That’s about where I am right now.
Always a NYer
I’m so sorry to hear about this, hugs. I know how hard it is to deal with losing a parent, and I can only imagine how difficult that is on top of a cheating spouse. If your husband is drinking and not trying to fix what was his indiscretion, please cut your loses now. Young children deserve the best you can give them, and a cheat of a father isn’t that. My prayers are with you and I hope you find the strength you need to do what has to be done.
On the cheering up front, check out the surisburnbook dot tumblr dot com =)
J
I think you need to throw the SOB out. Who needs a cheating guy to be hanging around stinking up the toilet, burping and using you for every other wifely duty? Not me. When I found out my fiancé had been sleeping with his paralegal, I confronted his privates with his boning knife once in bed. I told him i thought he was nutless and wanted to be sure.He jumped out of bed and ran out of the bedroom. The guy is now gone for good, with good riddance! No one should have sex with someone who is dipping his beak in another’s privates.
L girl
I agree 100%. Men who cheat should loose their cojones my mom says and she knows all about this!
The Usual J
Just wanted to say, I’m the commenter who most often posts as J, and the above comment was NOT by me. I suppose I’ll need another moniker.
OP
Didn’t sound like you, J. Thanks for clarifying. ;)
M-C
Good for you, other-J :-)! I bet he thought twice about treating the next gf like that..
incoming federal atty
Dear Hive, please help me figure out my health insurance situation. My current insurance coverage ends mid-August. My job with a federal agency begins mid-September. I haven’t received any paperwork from HR at all, much less about when coverage kicks in. (Is that normal?) My current provider won’t offer “gap” insurance or other short-term coverage. 1) What do I do about the one month without insurance? 2) Any tips on selecting a good healthcare plan from OPM? Thanks in advance for your help!
karenpadi
I am rusty on the details, but HIPAA offers some protections over the gap. I think it’s 3 months…someone correct me if I’m wrong.
EC MD
you can cobra your old insurance for the month. Make sure that your new health insurance starts with your first day of employment. The best part of COBRA is that you can retroactively get it (for 60 or 90 days I think) from time of departure. So if everything is smooth that month and you don’t need any health care you don’t need to worry. on the other hand, you can COBRA if you need an emergency operation or something.
Anon
They will talk benefits during orientation. You have 30?, 60? days to select insurance as a new hire. It should be effective the next pay period after you make a selection with enough time for processing (5 days before end of PP)
You can go to the OPM website & look at the plans offered. Be sure to read the covers on the booklets because there are some plans only available to certain agencies or specific offices of agencies.
ELS
This.
I’m not a federal employee, but my husband is. During his orientation/training period we were presented with options for health insurance (we’d already done the OPM research). From selection to effective date took about about 2 weeks, if I remember correctly.
With that said, it may be a good option to COBRA for two months to give yourself some extra leeway.
D Train South
If you don’t qualify for COBRA, or if the cost is prohibitive, you can get short-term health inurance from many major providers like BCBS and Humana. There is at least one website where you can compare plans: ehealthinsurance dot com. I don’t think you have a big problem caused by a 30-day gap in terms of coverage for pre-existing conditions or whatever, due to the Affordable Care Act and the short length of the gap. But if your concern is about coverage during that month, I’d just get a self-paid policy for that time.
Anon
Pre-existing conditions aren’t an issue with any of the federal plans I looked at. I actually have one of the niche plans referenced above. The only random tidbit I can honk of is to look at the fine print on coverage for the off the wall things. Some plans go by FDA guidelines; others CDC & WHO. The latter tend to be more lenient and cover things outside thE FDA or manufacture recommendations.
Blonde Lawyer
My hubs is a federal employee and I’ve had great luck w/ the blue cross basic. It is one of the cheapest options and covers everything I need – and I am someone who actually uses my health insurance to the fullest extent. For me, the big selling point of basic was you wouldn’t get charged extra if you were in an in-network hospital that happened to have an out of network provider. Under standard, every provider has to be in-network. I didn’t need one of the GEHA no network plans because basically every facility and provider in my city was in network on Basic.
roses
Has anyone ever gotten a personal loan with a bank lower than the interest on their student loans and used it to pay off federal student loans? My fiance and I are more than confident in our ability to pay back our loans (together, with currently accrued interest, totaling 160K) on our double-biglaw income, but it seems like the 6.8 – 8.5% interest rates on our various loans are quite high. Do you think this would be possible? Wise?
Anne Shirley
One thing I’d consider if flexibilty of repayment. I hate my high interest direct loans, but I like knowing if I lose my job I can put them on hold, and if I take a low paying job I can go income based. I’ve heard of people using home equity lines to pay them off, but am curious about getting an unsecured personal loan for such a large sum.
Anon
If they moved it to a non-education loan it could potentially be discharged in bankruptcy? Once it is wrapped in a home equity line of credit ormortgage it would be hard to back it out?
M
I agree that 7-8% is not a good deal. There are a couple of considerations re: going the personal loan route. For one, the interest is not tax deductible as far as I know, so you are losing that “benefit.” Second, I’m not sure what kind of repayment period you are looking at, but taking deferment off the table would scare me if you’re planning on making payments long term. I also assume the monthly payments will be sizable.
For what it’s worth, we took out a home equity line of credit and “paid off” my student loans a year ago and it is seriously one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. The interest is still deductible (although the amount is negligible at 2.25%), and the minimum payment is interest only (which, again, is very very small). We choose to throw 75% of my pay at the loan because we want to be rid of it, but I like knowing that the minimum payment is low enough to manage even if we suddenly lost an income. I say if the interest rate is substantially better, then go for it. Even if you are not planning to pay your loans as aggressively, at least more of your money will go toward principal.
Jill
Ptooey!
Woods-comma-Elle
So who else is working today?
I pretty much NEVER work on the weekend, so this is a wholly new thing for me. I’m not particularly amused by it, especially the prospect of the all-night closing meeting starting tomorrow evening, but (1) I’m working from home (2) luckily I didn’t have any plans this weekend, (3) my hours and resulting bonus will benefit (4) I get two days off next week as a result and (4) I have the open thread to keep me entertained while I wait for people’s comments on stuff!
TCFKAG
Oh god…Elle…the pressure. What shall we talk about to keep you entertained?
Woods-comma-Elle
I know, right… now I just have to wait for everyone in the US to wake up!
Bunkster
I did a little work, but now I’m done
JessC
I’m in the office today. :-/ Will probably still to noon-ish.
new york associate
I’m in the office today, and probably tomorrow, ARGHH.
EC MD
I’m not on call, but I have a patient dying in the ICU who I am caring for. So that’s a lot of trips into the hospital and a lot of tough conversations with a really lovely family.
Blonde Lawyer
This is really sad but it is also really comforting to know that doctors get vested in their patients.
Artie
Hey you guise…
I know it’s late, but I hope you could help me out; I’m feeling crafty, but it seems like all the craft blogs are mommy craft blogs. Do you ladies have any recs for blogs that do crafts, in a more chic/ young (but not child oriented) way? Thanks!!
M-C
Craft is a very broad category :-).. Start at http://blog.craftzine.com/ and hunt from there.
big dipper
check out pinterest. there are tons and tons of craft ideas in the DIY section – some are for kids/parents, but many are not. I’ve made some headbands/repurposed tee shirts/home decor from pinterest ideas.
N.
What kind of crafts? I can recommend about eight million sewing blogs!
Jenna Rink
Oh, don’t know about the OP, but I would love some sewing blog recommendations! I got a sewing machine for Christmas that I haven’t used yet because I’m so intimidated by it.
meara
Take a class, Jenna! I bought a sewing machine about a year ago, and then didn’t use it at all. But I finally got my act together a couple months ago and took a basic intro to sewing class (many of the fabric stores and sewing machine and quilting shops have them, this one was 4 weeks), and now I feel way more confident about my abilities (and have signed up for another class, to learn about using patterns!)
M-C
Main things going right now are http://burdastyle.com and http://sewing.patternreview.com Lots of interesting projects, good pattern ideas, comments etc. Most of all, you can find someone whose style you like and whose sewing level you can relate to, and learn from their efforts on their blogs. Maybe it’s too stereotypical, but check out http://kaythesewinglawyer.blogspot.com/ for a familiar take on clothes ;-).
You may also need a class. A tool like a sewing machine isn’t necessarily easy to get familiar with, you can make more progress in one supervised evening than in weeks on your own. I’d also recommend Threads magazine, along with any book by Taunton Press, and anything by Sandra Betzina. You need some reference materials..
Bluejay
Not a blog specifically, but Martha Stewart Crafts always has great projects. Real Simple does, too.
Artie
Thanks everyone! I’m spending my weekend checking those out =]
Mmmm
Have any of the dated or married someone significantly younger than you? If so, what is the age difference, and what are the the pros and cons of this arraignment?
Bluejay
My coworker/friend is dating a guy who is six years her junior (they’re both in their 20s). I think the major problem was that she just assumed he wouldn’t be serious (he was still in college; she was a practicing attorney) and she was really afraid of getting hurt because she liked him a lot. They’ve been together a year and a half now, and the major challenge is that he has no money while she has money to spare, so a lot of their dates are really just hanging out or doing something cheap. And eventually, he’s going to want to move away and work on his career, and she’s not sure what she’ll do when that happens.
Anon
I dated someone seven years younger. The main issue was that we dated while I was establishing my career, and he didn’t yet have a career. He worked, and fully contributed to the household when we lived together, but we had different schedules and different priorities because we just weren’t at the same place in our lives.
oclg
I was the significantly younger partner recently. I was about 8.5 years younger-he was in his early 30s and I was in my mid 20s. In terms of maturity level we were equal but did have some money differences. I was in the middle of law school and he was a practicing vet. (I had savings and was getting almost a free ride to school which helped me not feel so poor.) I would say the biggest issue was that we were each in a fundamentally different place in our lives. He wanted marriage and babies, and, while I did love him, I wasn’t there and I wasn’t sure when I would be there. I was ok with settling down and being committed to him and working towards that, but he wanted it right then and there and I started to feel like I was settling for a life I wasn’t sure I wanted yet. That was the main reason we broke up. On a less serious note, we had some funny generation gap moments where one of us just did not understand what the other person was talking about. Most of it we understood, but there were a couple funny ones. I can only imagine this is more prevalent with larger age gaps.
anon
I seriously dated a man twelve years older than me. I think the biggest factor in making such arrangements work is whether both parties are mature and at the same points in their lives (looking for the same things career & family wise on the same sort of timeline).
Chini
I think age matters less than stage in life, and these responses back that up. I dated someone just a few years older than I was, but we were in completely different places. I had a career, was financially stable, and knew what I wanted out of life. He had never held a professional job and was content just drifting through life. He eventually dumped me for a girl 15 years his junior, just out of school, and they’re doing quite well together, both trying to find their footing as adults.
I’ve never dated a younger guy, but I’d do it if we were at the same stage. These days I refuse to date anyone, older/younger/exactly my age, who doesn’t have his ish together.
Divaliscious11
I dated someone 7 years older than me my last year of college/first year out. He was great, and the relationship was great, but it ended up not working, because he had this ‘life schedule’ and our schedules didn’t exactly mesh (He wanted to get married and have kids by the time he was X age, so his parents could enjoy them before they got old etc… I understood, but I was no where close to contemplating a kid, didn’t even have to say it). We took a break, he hooked up with some crazy chick and knocked her up – (cue Usher – Confessions – ugh – worst conversation of my life) and married her. (Note, don’t ever go drink w/ex’s best man and ugly cry in bar the day of ex’s wedding – not cute at all) Before kid was born, he was calling, and before 1st anniversary, he was filing for divorce. I moved thousands of miles away, but she finds my number calls, telling me I am ruining her marriage. I tell her I could say the same about her, but to please leave me out of Ex’s biggest mistake of his life, as he calls it. She has similar conversation with his mother, who has similar response as mine…. Twenty years later, he and I speak occasionally (he is a terrific person in general, just made bad decisions), kid is now an adult, and not surprisingly, she still blames me for the demise of her marriage, not the fact that you probably should be too confidant in a marriage with someone you’ve known for 8 weeks who is marrying you because your pregnant….
So pros – it was very exciting to be in a relationship with someone who has more life experience etc…. but cons – that doesn’t eliminate drama and your life cycles may be out of sync…..
Divaliscious11
you’re pregnant, not your….
Jill
If she did not get pregnant we could not say PTOOEY now, could we? So it’s a good thing no?
Divaliscious11
I always reserve the right to say PFOOEY! HA!
: )
Married to a man thirteen years younger. I’m in my late forties. We’re pretty much the same age in our heads and want the same things in life, so it works for us. I do own a Land’s End wool parka that is only five years younger than him. We’re not to worried that we don’t have children, but I do feel bad about it for his mother.
NOLA
I need to reassure myself about my car shopping. I hate the whole haggling thing. I just paid off my car and I can’t wait to trade it in. I have had three Corollas and I’m just of driving the same car. I want something a little bigger and a little higher (street flooding is a reality).
So I went on to the website for the new car and built what I wanted and put in for a quote from a dealer near me. I’ve never done that before but it seemed like a good first step. I also went on Kelley Blue Book and looked up what they say a fair price for the car is and I checked both their calculator and Edmunds regarding the value of my current car. Estimates for my current car vary widely so I think that’s where there will be some wiggle room. I’ve had some body work done so they may ding me for that, but it looks beautiful because the guys I use do a great job.
Anything else I need to do?
TCFKAG
I’d at least make an effort to sell it on your own before you sell or trade it in at the dealer. You may get a much better deal from an individual than you will from the dealer, who may try to scr*w you.
NOLA
I know but that’s a hassle I just don’t know if I have the time or energy for. Especially with the dangers of a single woman doing that in a city. The one thing I know is that the dealerships are desperate for used car inventory I get weekly emails from the dealership where I bought it. Especially since it’s in good shape and low mileage.
M-C
The dangers of a single woman..?? Please.. Do you worry about getting attacked when you’re in the depth of the grocery store parking lot? Just don’t take any cashier’s check from Nigeria, the dangers in this are the same for everyone.
It does sound like the dealership is a good thing for you.
My inadvertent method of haggling: indecision. I went back to the same dealer 3 times before making up my mind, every time I walked in the price dropped before I even said a word :-).
NOLA
I just meant not having random strangers from Craigslist coming to my house to look at the car. That’s not safe. So I would have to set up other ways of meeting them, etc., and I don’t have time to do that.
scientist
Don’t meet them at your house then. Last time I looked at used cars, I met people in grocery store parking lots. It was fine. If you post good photos of your car and park away from the store, then people will find the car.
As for car buying, I read this website: http://www.carbuyingtips.com/
Plus Edmunds and CarWoo. Going to pick up car today!
scientist
Don’t meet them at your house then. Last time I looked at used cars, I met people in grocery store parking lots. It was fine. If you post good photos of your car and park away from the store, then people will find the car.
As for car buying and selling, I read this website: http://www.carbuyingtips.com/
Plus Edmunds and CarWoo. Going to pick up car today!
scientist
Weird. So didn’t mean to post that twice.
NOLA
Well, the thing is, I don’t live near a grocery store so this could be kind of a hassle and it’s hotter than Hades right now.
Laura #2
I traded in my car at CarMax last weekend and found they were pretty closely in line with the KBB/Edmunds values I was seeing. Their quotes are good for 7 days so it might not be a bad idea to stop in if you have one nearby. I think it’s helpful to have a baseline estimate, and it could be a useful point of leverage with dealer. No question that you’ll get more money if you sell it yourself, so it’s really just a question of how much the hassle is worth to you. In my case it was maybe, maybe $1-2K but there were some pretty substantial issues with my car that would have been red flags to potential buyers.
Consumer Reports also offers model/make/year specific price reports (I believe for use in both buying and selling) for $12. Might be worth the money just to make sure you feel confident about the price you’re getting.
NOLA
The CarMax idea is interesting. The closest one is Baton Rouge but I could possibly go there to get a quote.
Bluejay
Dude, can you afford not to get the best price possible for your car? Do you prefer simplicity to getting the most money? Then just take it to the dealer. Tell the salesman you want the high end of the KBB price and negotiate from there.
NOLA
Potentially, this is the case that I do prefer simplicity and, within reason, I can afford it. The idea of having to advertise my car, meet with people, find a notary, etc. is a bit overwhelming to me right now. There is a pretty big difference between what KBB said my trade-in value should be vs. Edmunds (about $3,000) so, like I said, there’s some room for negotiation. The good thing is that the dealer I’m working with also has a Toyota dealership so that may make them even more interested in getting my car.
scientist
Should, but it is also in their best interest to screw you on the price and make as much money as they can. If you don’t want to sell it on your own, at least negotiate your new car without telling them about the trade-in. Then negotiate the trade-in on its own terms.
Bluejay
Well, pick the highest number of the KBB or Edmunds and start from there. Seriously, I agree with everything you’ve posted – I would not want random people from Craigslist coming to my place, and I wouldn’t want the hassle of setting up meetings in public locations. Plus, if you find a buyer, then you’ll have to wait til the bank is open and he can get a cashier’s check, and there’s always the possibility of fraud (my uncle sold a car to a guy who paid with a cashier’s check for $50K, and it turned out it was an elaborate forgery and my uncle had been robbed of a BMW). I’d just take it to the dealership.
NOLA
Thanks! I felt like people were saying that I was some kind of wimp if I wouldn’t sell my own car. As you say, there are possibilities of fraud as well. Nowhere near fraud, but my ex-bf sold his car to a well-known couple here (she is a city councilperson, he is a judge) for their then teenage son. They did not properly transfer the registration and six months later he started getting threatening letters from the city because the kid had gotten tickets all over town.
scientist
I don’t think you’re a wimp, and I never said that. You said that you could afford to not get top dollar for your car, and it’s not worth your time to do so. I have’t had that experience.
My point is that since you will be selling it to the dealer, it is in your interest to separate the two deals. Most people focus on getting one good price or payment plan, but you should focus on the whole package. Car dealers usually like to push everything in and hide things. All the advice that I have had was to deal with settling the new car purchase first, then tell them that you want to trade in.
D Train South
I just want to say that I kind of agree with you that there is some danger involved in selling the car on your own. I am certainly not in the category of people who live life in constant fear (I live on my own in the city and go about my business daily with few constraints, run at night, leave work in the dark and go to my car without an escort, etc.), but car thefts and carjackings and technology thefts happen in my city and in my neighborhood — sometimes in the depths of the grocery store parking lot. If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it.
NOLA
I just have so many questions about how I would do it. What if they want to test drive? I can’t just give them my keys and let them go and I’m not getting in the car with a random stranger. I guess I could hold their wallet or something but it seems unsafe. What if they want to have my car checked out by their mechanic? It’s my only vehicle.
Jenna Rink
It is totally valid to be uncomfortable dealing with selling your car privately! It sounds like your question is really about how to get the best value when trading your car in, not how to make the most money on your car. I would suggest taking your car to a few used car lots to get estimates of how much they would buy it for when it isn’t part of a car purchase. That will give you a realistic idea of how much a dealer will be willing to pay for your car. Don’t give that number when you start negotiating with the dealer, but it will help you know what is reasonable. Beyond that, treat it like you’re negotiating a salary. Know your car’s finer points, minimize its flaws, and don’t point out the body work unless they notice it!
NOLA
Thanks, ladies! It’s a great idea to consider the value of my car as a separate negotiation from the purchase price of the new car. I did have to give them a little information about my trade-in when I asked for the quote, but when the guy got back to me, he didn’t seem to have paid much attention to that request. Oddly enough, I’ve never really had to do this with a trade-in that’s paid off and in good shape. My first car was wiped out by a drunk driver so I had cash from the insurance company. My second car was on its last legs and I was just crossing my fingers that I’d get anything and I traded in my third car before I paid it off and it was damaged by a hit and run. Such is the life of a city dweller!
Anon
More tips. When you negotiate the price of your new car, negotiate the selling price – NOT the monthly payment. The dealership will always direct you to negotiate monthly payments. Your job is to redirect them, each and every time, with “I’m not interested in discussing monthly payments.” However, you should go in having a very good idea of what your monthly payment will be. If you already have financing, then this is not a problem. The dealer’s financing/interest rate should be available somewhere on its website, so you should look at that before you go in.
Do not let them know that you are in love with any vehicle on the lot. Be cool. Temper your enthusiasm, but don’t be an ice queen. Make sure that you are in the mental space that you will walk away from any car that is not your price.
Price. There are a number of web tools that will tell you the various prices (sticker, invoice, “real invoice” whatever). Review these. Know them inside and out. Bring printouts with you of the various options and the prices. When you negotiate, you will need to throw out your lowest number. It should be ridiculously low. Like, dealer cost or $100 over the dealer cost. When they come back and say, we can’t sell it for that price, do NOT give them another price. They need to come back to you with a counter (as an aside, and I apologize if you already know this, the person who throws out numbers is in the weakest position for negotiating. You do not want to remain in the weak spot, but since you’re offering to buy the car, you should set the floor – not them). They will ask you how you came up with your number. You are not obligated to explain to them how you came up with this number, so don’t go down this path. They are trying to get you to agree that your data is wrong. Simply say, “Oh, through my research.” And then get back to negotiating: “This is the price that I’m offering and willing to pay.” See, they are not going to suddenly be totally convinced that your price is reasonable (if you’re an attorney, it’s kind of like prepping your own client for a deposition – your client is never going to convince opposing counsel that their client is a doosh. So don’t try to please them). When they come back to you with a counter, or if they demand that you give them a better number, go up by $50 or $100. They will say, “We can’t sell all of our cars for that price.” And you say, “I’m not asking you to sell all of your cars at this price, just this one.” The trick is to not be a b!tch, but confident and friendly. Remember. You’re cool. You can walk away at anytime. Right? But if you’re a b!tch, it won’t work. If they are a-holes, then walk away and find another dealer.
Now, about this business that they need your used vehicle. It’s BS. They are trying to get you into a new car. They really don’t need your help. They can get used cars, cheap, from all across the country. Don’t get roped into believing that you are doing them a favor. If you’re going to trade in your car, do it AFTER you set the selling price. But, be vague about whether you’re going to trade it in or sell it privately. They do not need to know this information until you are ready to negotiate the price for your trade, which should come after you settle on a price for your new car.
Happy car shopping! Don’t do it on an empty stomach, and pack a snack. Also, if you’re getting really hungry, take a break to eat something and then return. Do not purchase cars (or make offers on homes!) on an empty stomach. :)
TCFKAG
I don’t know if its too late in the weekend for this (being…you know…Saturday morning and all). But since people are frequently asking for music for play lists and everyone always loves a “what’s your favorite” thread…here goes:
What are your favorite songs (1 recent, 1 less recent) in each of the following categories:
(1) Girl power/inspirational: Girl put your records on, Corinne Bailey Ray/I will Survive Gloria Gaynor (I know I know, so cliche).
(2) Love Songs: Lucky, Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Callaite/Our Love Is Here to Stay, as done by Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald.
(3) Psych Up music: Lose Yourself, Eminem (okay I know that’s not that recent), Piece of my Heart, Janis Joplin (I know, weird, but it gets me pumped up for some reason).
(4) Best pre-going out music: Party in the USA, Miley Cyrus (embarrassing), Pour Some Sugar on Me, Def Leppard, and Hey Ya by Outkast (sorry, couldn’t be constrained to just three).
(5) Favorite embarrasing pop song. Call me Maybe, that girl whose name I can never remember/I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Firth, that band whose name I can’t remember either.
Feel free to add your own categories for fun.
Woods-comma-Elle
Oooh, fun game! I totally want to participate (rather than review 700 security documents) so I will will need to review my iTunes playlist…
Pretzel_Logic
1) Girl power–Whitney Houston’s version of “I’m Every Woman,” obv.
2) love songs–yeah, I’m not usually falling all over myself for these, but Marvin Gaye is king. “All My Life” by K-Ci and Jojo might do, though. “Hanging by a Moment” by Lifehouse could work.
3) psych up tunes–I’m going to make this the “get pumped up for whatever, finals/workouts/running/bored” category, because I have a zillion. I listen to really loud and obnoxious music when I’m driving long distances, working out, or studying (to stay awake), so there’s a lot of LOL on this list. I’ll try to keep it recent:
“Levels” by Avicii
“Strobe” by Deadmau5
“HAM” or “Paris” by Kanye/Jay-Z
“I’m on One” by DJ Khaled ft. (lots of people)
“Heavy Metal Lover” by Lady Gaga
“S&M” by Rihanna (not as recent, but I have not found a song with a better tempo for when I want to run fast)
4) pre-going out music: “Champagne Showers” by LMFAO is a terrible song I can’t stop listening to. EMBARRASSING. (But it’s awesome.) I’ll second anything Outkast.
5) Favorite embarrassing pop song: other than my secret love of LMFAO, “On the Floor” by J. Lo. and Pitbull is my JAM. And…”Hard in the Paint,” Waka Flocka Flame. Oh, and “Blow” by Ke$sha. And a lot of Britney Spears. And “She Wolf” by Shakira.
6) added category: five top songs of all time, any category
“Love Reign O’er Me” by The Who
“Walking on the Moon” by The Police
“Pretzel Logic” by Steely Dan (obv)
“The Fragile” by Nine Inch Nails
“ATLiens” by Outkast
TCFKAG
I’m sorry, I can’t pick my top five songs of all time. Its like picking children! But I’m pretty sure one of them would be “The General” by Dispatch and another would be Curbside Prophet by Jason Mraz and possibly The Ultimate by the Roots.
Also — maybe the Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams. And Earl had to Die by the Dixie Chicks. Hey! That’s five. But none of them are by Janis Joplin or Johnny Cash so something must be fundamentally wrong.
coco
Christians and the pagans is one of my favorite songs too – I love her!
Dr. Cox
Oohh, I love “The General.” Going straight to iTunes now. Somehow I have forgotten about a lot of music that I used to love and listen to on repeat, Dispatch being solidly in that category.
NOLA
From my playlist on my phone, which is primarily for the gym:
1. What doesn’t kill you (Kelly Clarkson), Pushover (Etta James)
2. You found me (Kelly Clarkson), Something’s Got a Hold on Me (Etta James)
3. What doesn’t kill you (Kelly Clarkson), Rolling in the Deep
4. See the light (Jeff Healey) – great car song, Holiday (Madonna), Into the groove (Madonna) – typical since most of my “going out” days were when this music was new.
5. Oh he!! most of mine are embarrassing pop songs. Hazy shade of winter or Walk like an Egyptian (Bangles), All I Want for Christmas (the Love Actually Version), anything by Howard Jones, Mr. Hankey’s Christmas album
TCFKAG
NOLA, is it possible you have a Kelly Clarkson/Etta James problem? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. :-)
NOLA
Not really! Actually a lot of Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway got me through my divorce (think Since U Been Gone at full volume in the car), so I can relate to a lot of it. Some of my older stuff is too painful to listen to anymore. Mostly, it’s just a factor of what I’ve loaded on my phone of what I have – it’s Kelly Clarkson, Etta James, Mariah Carey, MJB, Jeff Healey, Beyonce, Bangles, Bananarama, Madonna, Maroon 5, and Adele. I’m not good about buying new music!
JessC
(1) Fairytale by Sara Bareilles / Give Me One Reason by Tracy Chapman
(2) Lovestory by Taylor Swift / Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce
(3) Rumour Has it by Adele / Jessica by the Allman Brothers
(4) Down by Jay Sean / Murder She Wrote by Chaka Demus
(5) Teenage Dream by Katy Perry / anything by the Spice Girls (I’m so embarassed!)
Woods-comma-Elle
I’m still thinking about my full list, but right now I’m listening to Mrs Potter’s Lullaby by Counting Crows, which I just love love love!
Woods-comma-Elle
Also I totally love that Abercrombie and Fitch song – I googled it, it’s by LFO
Jacqueline
Love this thread! I did not play by the rules, though — it was impossible to pick only two for each category.
1) Hmm… maybe “Stand Up” by Jessie J for the recent pick, but I’ll have to think about an older one.
2) “I’ll Stand By You,” The Pretenders/ “At Last,” Etta James/ “Book of Love” by Peter Gabriel or The Magnetic Fields
3) “The Warrior” Scandal, and definitely agree on “Lose Yourself”
4) “Good Time, “Brazilian Girls, “Let It Go,” Dragonette, anything by Florrie or Robyn
5) Too many to count, but definitely “Call Me Maybe,” “Boyfriend,” Justin Bieber, several One Direction songs… okay, this is getting embarrassing. Oh, and I really love “Wide Awake,” the new Katy Perry single. And I was obsessed with “Domino” for a really long time.
Divaliscious11
(1) Girl power/inspirational: Lauryn Hill – Doo-Wop That Thing; Destiny’s Child – Independent Women
(2) Love Songs: Michael Jackson – Lady in my Life; Corrine Bailey Rae – Breathless; India Arie – Beautiful Surprise (I came down the aisle to this one)
(3) Psych Up music: Amerie – 1 Thing, Kanye West – Stronger
(4) Best pre-going out music: Jay Z- Dirt On Your Shoulders, Miss Jackson – OutKast…. really any Jay-Z or OutKast
(5) Favorite embarrasing pop song. Wake Me Up, Before you Go-Go ….still..
Jamie
1. Girl power: “She works hard for the money” by Donna Summer (RIP);
2. Love song: “The Luckiest” by Ben Folds, “Starting Over” by John Lennon and “Sally’s Song” by Fiona Apple;
3. “Vogue” by Madonna and “Dirt off Your Shoulder” by Jay Z, and “Are you going My Way” by Lenny Kravitz – great songs to exercise to;
4. Pre going out: anything by Missy Elliott,
And 5. Embarrassing songs – I can never let my daughter know I have a Ying Yang Twins station on my Pandora – she will lose total respect for me. But, theirs songs are full of energy.
And I would like to add what song makes you cry every time you hear it. For me it’s “Winter” by Tori Amos – it reminds me of my late father.
HoorayforJorts
Hi Ladies! Has anyone driven in a car with cooled seats? I did the other day and kept thinking I peed my pants.
Bluejay
I haven’t, but I love this comment.
Midwesterner
I haven’t either, but I love your handle.
Migraine Sufferer
I missed the 30% of sale at J. Crew. I’m fairly disappointed because I had intended to get the no 2 skirt in the leopard print. Anyone know of any other coupon codes or perchance that things might get further markdown? ( $90. is still too much for me!)
Thanks!
Migraine Sufferer
/30% *off*
Jamie
Consider googling ” J Crew promo code”. I do it and it works almost all the time. Or go to the blog called JCrew Aficionado (again, please google for that website. This blog has serious JCrew love and is always up to date on their promos and sales.
Migraine Sufferer
Thanks! I’ll wait and see if anything happens for the 4th of July.
CP
My ten year reunion is tonight. It’s being held at a bar in downtown Seattle. A nice bar- but still, it’s a bar. What the heck am I supposed to wear? Dress? Jeans? I have no idea!
NOLA
I think you could wear either one – whatever you feel good in and makes you comfortable and happy. You’re in a lot better position then I am! My 30th high school reunion is in a fire hall in Northwestern PA. I am so not going to that one…
A to Z
Nola – I also have my 30th hs reunion this year. Mine is in MA and I am planning on going.
NOLA
I would like to see everyone, but mine is just too remote for me. My family moved away from there when I was in college and we never had any extended family there, so I couldn’t even combine it with seeing family. Just getting there would involve an expensive flight, renting a car, and a drive. And it’s in a fire hall. I mean, I know that’s pretty common up in that area, but I would think they could do better than that! I considered it, but then I decided to surprise my nephew for his 16th birthday and that’s the same weekend. Have fun!
Jacqueline
My ten-year reunion was also at a casual downtown bar. I wore dressy jeans, heels, and a nice top and fun jewelry. I would say about half the women were dressed exactly like I was, and the other half opted for dresses. Would you feel better being slightly overdressed or slightly underdressed? Either way, I think you’ll be fine — everyone else is probably having the exact same dilemma right now!
anon
I’m really lonely. I had some major upheavals in my life this past year, and I’m not coping with them particularly well, and I don’t know what to do for the best. I know what I want to happen, but the steps between Now and Then are not within my control, so I am stuck.
The short version is that I couldn’t procure a US work visa after grad school, so after a total of 9 years living in the US, including high school, college, grad school, and the one year of OPT work I was allowed, I was forced to leave the country involuntarily. I moved initially with my family, and I am super, super fortunate that my dad was able to move his work back from the US to my home country, so it’s been a family move rather than an individual one. Realistically, it’s the only option, as all my US job-hunting fell apart as soon as visas were mentioned, but I’m realising now I am gone that it’s like being in mourning for someone I have lost.
My life at the moment is living in our extremely rural, extremely small cottage (two bedrooms, a living room and a kitchen for four adults including my student brother for the summer). I am job-hunting unsuccessfully, getting no interviews, not really having any networking contacts to reach out to in my field/from my US university, and having ongoing depressing interactions with the unemployment office that is not remotely geared towards professional work. I was deciding on my major/grad school plans in 2007-2008 when they made sense and getting a work visa was a reasonable bet with the economy, but you know how that has turned out. We do not live within walking distance of anything, and my US driver’s license is only valid for a short time. I’m learning to drive a stick shift, which I hate because I can’t do it but I have to to pass the driving test I shouldn’t even have to take. I have no friends. I never get time on my own because we are all packed into the tiny little house. I walk my dog and stare at my computer screen and try and pretend I am not crying.
All I want is some kind of job, in a city, with people, where I can have some kind of life like I used to have in the US. I used to have a full-time job, but no significant savings because my US work options were so limited, and I’m finding it so hard living at home again. My mom is having her own issues, and my dad just keeps saying I ought to go out and do touristy things, but I just feel like that won’t help me get a job so why bother? I can’t afford to move out, and I don’t know where I would even go — the last thing I want is to set up an apartment in some random place and then get a job somewhere else, or incur a lot of expenses I can’t pay. I’m now in the UK, where I’m finding the cost of living much higher, the unemployment situation worse than in the US, and to cap it all off, my half-baked plan of just moving to London anyway can’t happen until after the Olympics are done because of the prices/general mayhem. My parents are well-off and willing to pay my way, but I feel ashamed of accepting their money when I really should be earning my own.
This is probably whiny and self-indulgent, but it’s been building up for months and I have to get it out of my system, since I have no space IRL to go and have a good cry.
new york associate
It is like being in mourning. You’re grieving the life you had in the US, and possibilities that you had there. It’s okay to acknowledge how sad you are. I would be sad too.
But you know, there’s more within your control than you realize. If you have parents who are willing to help you financially, I would absolutely take them up on it. If you truly feel guilty about taking their money, set it up as a very, very long-term loan and pay them back. 1) Start looking for a place to live in London (or some other City that might be a bit cheaper), preferably on a short-term, roommate basis. 2) Set a deadline for moving out of the house. I think a lot of your sadness is coming from the fact that you’re in a situation that you don’t like, without any concrete plans to anticipate. If you have a deadline for leaving, living at home will start to feel better. 3) Earn some money. Is there anything you can do to make money while you’re job-hunting? I always think of babysitting first. I know it’s not a dream job, but it will pay you cold hard cash and give you a tiny cash cushion. 4) Finally, on networking: have you truly exhausted the networking potential from your university? Are there people in the US who work for companies with London offices? You can network with them by phone. Is there any sort of a University group in the UK? Have you asked your university for help?
I wish you luck. You sound defeated, and reasonably so, but you cannot let the defeat take over your life. You can find a new dream job and a new life in the UK; it just takes time. Hang in there.
Bluejay
If it helps, one of my dearest friends is facing the same situation when she graduates from law school next year… except she’s from Central Asia, and the “cottage in a village” will be a one-bedroom apartment with five people in it, unreliable electricity, and an unstable government. She couldn’t even get a summer internship in the States, because no one wants to hire an intern they’ll have to sponsor if they give her a permanent offer. And a lot of US citizens have been faced with having to go back to small towns in the middle of the country and live with their parents, too. I am sorry, though. It really is awful and there’s nothing I can say that will really help, short of offering you a job, which I can’t do.
Pip
My sympathies. That sounds like a lot to deal with at the same time.
Regarding the loneliness, are there any old friends (or second cousins or whatever) in the area that you could meet over a coffee and just catch up with? It doesn’t have to lead to a beautiful friendship, but it’s a good start to getting a life in the UK. Doing touristy things is not a bad idea either. It lets you be something else than “living with her parents” and “looking for a job”. Bring a camera when you walk the dog. It changes how you look at your surroundings, and with a keen eye and a bit of luck you can take amazing pictures even with a sh*tty camera.
Regarding jobs, have you considered teaching/tutoring positions within your major at for example evening classes or the Open University? If you’re willing to move within the Schengen area (I assume you’re an EU citizen), you could try teaching Business English, there’s a decent market for that at least in Germany as far as I know. Depending on your major, there may be opportunities within the EU administration as well. They select staff entirely through open competitions, the “EU Concours”. You do need to speak at least one other European language though, and have a certain level of “EU knowledge”. The EU offers a bunch of internships for recent graduates as well.
OK, I’ll stop waving the EU flag now. Best of luck, and do visit London during the Olympics if you can, just to experience the crazy.
Coach Laura
Anon, I too can see why you’re sad and it’s understandably a hard time for you. You’re like a lot of people who are driven (perhaps a Type A achiever?) and have a plan and then nothing to fill the time with when the plan doesn’t work. What about a hobby, goal or activity that you can do independently of your parents and that is relatively cheap? Start writing a novel or a short-story, start a blog, or just write in a journal. Take up knitting, photography or painting. How about training to run a 5k or 10k race or bike ride? Take long treks walking in the area or hiking. Volunteering at an animal shelter, old-persons’ home or food bank? Learn a new skill – cooking school, wine appreciation classes. Teach yourself guitar. Brush up on a foreign language -many libraries have CDs or DVDs for languages. Are there museums or art galleries nearby? Some have free admission days and they might have art appreciation lectures. How about a book club or investment club? Plant a garden. Tutor young children – for free or for money. Read great literature that you didn’t have time for before. Or read books that are tangentially related to your degree. Getting out of the house and being active may be the key to avoiding full-blow depression.
My daughter is going through something like this now, having graduated from university (a year early ahead of her friends) and deciding on grad school. She is training for a triathalon in August and getting a low-level certification in her planned field in July.
Do you see yourself staying in the general region where you are? (I know you were vague on details but I’m not sure if you’re actually in Britain or somewhere else like Wales, Scotland or Ireland or even Asia.) Is there demand for your degree/field? I think some of this can be researched on the internet from where you are now. Plan A didn’t work but there may be a Plan B or Plan C that will work.
What about immigrating to Ireland, Canada, New Zealand or Australia? I don’t know specifics, but some countries want educated people as immigrants.
If you need housing in London to look for a job, can you find a hostel or other short-term housing? You can research that now and maybe some solutions will become apparent to you that are unknown now.
Best of luck. Not an easy time but you can get through it.
Flamingo
I’m really, really sorry to hear that you are going through this situation after such a long time of living in the US, and this being your home. I don’t know that there is anything I could say that would make you feel better, except that I hope things get better wherever you end up.
Famke
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’ve had to uproot myself a few times and it isn’t easy. I think what may help you is to formulate a plan. Also, you may feel better if you’re building up something in an exciting new place, as opposed to being back in your childhood situation of living with your parents.
Perhaps ask your parents for a loan that would cover 6 months to a year rent in London, or another place you like where y ou think there may be work. Find a sub-let or a share with roommates. Try to find something in your field, but also look into part-time jobs for which you may be over-qualified but that will give you some income, structure and human interactions. Explore internships that will give you credibility and connections in your country or in other parts of Europe (I don’t know if this is relevant for you and if they even exist anymore, but the EU Commission used to have 6-month stages that would give you a lot of experience and prestige, and most interns seem to have a wonderful time). You have the luxury that your parents can support you a bit longer– take them up on their offer and use their help to spread out your wings.
As new york associate said, take control to the extent that you can. Brace yourself for a lot of rejections and know that you will eventually succeed if you persist and are willing to act on opportunities, even if they don’t look very appealing. Good luck!
Dawn
I know how you feel. I repatriated after being abroad for 8 years. Coming back home, I had no friends. It will take awhile, but you will slowly meet people. I agree that now is the best time to play tourist and enjoy the area as best you can.
It will get better, I promise! Think of this as a short break. Good luck!
anon
Going back “home” is always hard, and being forced to is no fun at all. You feel like an immigrant, you -are-, because everything you knew has changed and most of all you have changed, but nobody recognizes you as one. Being forced from the city to the country is also a horror in and of itself, especially when you’re young.. So no wonder you’re depressed, anyone would be, it’s a depressing situation.
So first you should maybe address the straightforward depression situation. In his mild way your dad is right -do go out and do tourist things. The change of scene will do you good. While you’re there, walk around a good bit, so you get some exercise and fresh air in. The UK is really great for hiking, you may not be within walking distance of any -thing-, but I bet you can have good country paths nearby, and look at nature. Which, you know, is the best part of being in the country, if not the only one :-). Can you set a daily goal, say an hour a day of moving about? Much better than looking at bad/no news on a screen.
Next, the jobs. Yes the UK is bad now. Have you considered something else? Canada, Australia, Asia? Maybe this is an opportunity to figure out somewhere else you may also want to be, really explore the world? Also, presumably your friends are all in the US, right, friends your age? Would it be possible to reach an agreement with one of them (not an old bf, as that gets too messy) for a marriage of convenience? If you do is sensibly, with a good contract up front, it can go very well, it’s the path many thousands before you have taken..
anon
Thanks, everyone. This website is absolutely amazing… the kind words and ideas from you all mean a huge amount. The toughest thing about my situation is that I have no one to share it with, and writing my original post was unexpectedly cathartic. You’re all absolutely right that finding new activities and friends is something I should be doing. The plan I’m working with in my head is that I will move to London in late August/September after the Olympics, and see what happens from there.
Thanks again for the support, and Bluejay, I wish your friend the best of luck too.
Bluejay
Thought I’d post a couple of reviews of products recommended on this site.
Hot Girls Pearls (Coffee Break, 3/19/2012):
I bought a Hot Girls Pearls bracelet and necklace, along with a carrying case, after reading a favorable review on one of my favorite websites. Sadly, it was a complete waste of money. I froze them overnight and then was excited to wear them on my regular walking commute, about a 30 minute walk, on a typical June day of 90 degrees Fahrenheit (32 Celsius). Within 20 minutes they were not even remotely cold anymore, and by the time I got home after stopping for a couple quick errands in air-conditioned stores they were actually warm. You’d think something designed to keep you cool would work for more than a few minutes! No one needs to be cooled down after spending 5 or 10 minutes outside. What a rip off – I want my $100 back.
Insolia (Guide to Comfortable Heels, click on the link in the tag cloud thing on the right-hand side of the page):
I’m really impressed. After a back injury, I really just can’t wear heels because of the angle at which they tilt me forward. But Insolia really work to make you stand up straight and distribute your weight evenly (see this video, delete the spaces in the link: insolia . com / see-the-benefits-watch-the-new-video-gg . html). I could see the difference in my stride the second I put them in my shoes. I’m so happy to be able to wear 3″ heels again without pain. These are not going to make your shoes comfortable, but they will prevent your feet, knees, and back from hurting at the end of the day. I’ll definitely buy these for every pair of heels I own.
Demotivated Fed
Looking for advice about career transitions. I’ve been at my federal department for ten years and have progressed as far as I can without moving into management. I love the substance of the work I do, and I have no interest in managing people. It is frustrating that by sticking to being a subject-matter expert, I’ve mentored people over the past few years who have now leap-frogged ahead of me. My direct supervisor, for example, is my age and a couple of grades ahead of me.
I am trying to decide whether I should stick around. I could probably double my salary if I took my expertise to a consulting firm or elsewhere in the private sector, but then I’d be in a profit-motivated, cut-throat culture. A non-profit would be more likely to offer the collaborative work environment and mission I’d like, but with a substantial pay cut. Any move out of government would mean giving up job security. I am incredibly risk averse, and this economy isn’t helping matters.
Thoughts?
PghAnon
Find a privately held company that (1) values all kinds of work (including but not limited to management) and (2) isn’t “cut throat”. (2) is easy, (1) will be difficult. You have an extremely skewed perspective if you think that literally every job outside of govt/nonprofit is “cut-throat culture”. I suggested a privately held company because that is even less likely to that way than a public company with shareholders to answer to.
PghAnon
er, “…even less likely to BE that way…”
Demotivated Fed
Thanks. It’s not that I think every job in the private sector is cut-throat, it’s that I’m aware that most places that would be logical for me to move to mid-career (finance/compliance) probably are. I like the idea of looking at privately held companies, though.
It’s difficult trying to find people who’ve left government after many years, and learning the reasons why. It seems that so many highly-qualified people these days are trying to *get into* government, and there’s a large incentive to just stay put and count my blessings.
M-C
If you find a solution to that, I want to hear all about it :-). Management is always eager to reward your good work by allowing to.. stop doing it and move into management. Of course, to them it’s the be-all and end-all. They tend to get all sensitive when you refuse, as it makes no sense to them. I don’t think you should have any illusions about the private sector being any better about this, I’ve never seen any hint of it in real life.
PghAnon
Look harder.
SH
So yesterday the maintenance people came in to do some work on my air conditioner. I came home later that day, and my cat is nowhere to be found. I’ve been looking all over the building for him, tore my apartment apart to see if he’s hiding in a really good spot that I don’t know about yet, went down into the garages, looked under the cars, opened up every openable door in the building, and no kitty. Today I called animal control, my vet, and the shelter where I got him to report him missing (he’s chipped, so if he’s picked up he should make it back home). Anything else I forget (aside from kleenex every time I leave to go look for him, since I always end up bawling)?
cfm
Is it like an apartment building? Make sure you have signs up all over the building. Does he have a collar with your name and number on?
Im so sorry! but if its a building, i think you have a good chance of finding him! but make sure all the residents know about it
another anon
Definitely signs. If he’s friendly, it’s possible a neighbor found him and let him into their place. And if he didn’t have tags on, they wouldn’t know where he belongs. I really hope you find him!
another anon
It’s also possible that he’s terrified and hiding somewhere in the building, but he is probably getting pretty hungry by now, so I would walk around and look again, but this time with an open can of cat food or tuna, or something else you know will be irresistable to him.
Migraine Sufferer
Post pictures and leave some tuna or good cat treat out. Good luck! I love my cats so much and understand how you must be feeling right now.
On a bright note- One of my sweetie cats went missing and 2 years later, after moving, she showed up 3 houses down from my new house. Crazy. But a super happy day for me.
Amy H.
I’m so sorry. Is he small enough to have gotten inside the wall/ductwork unnoticed while the maintenance people had the air conditioning unit out? Friends of mine had their new kitten disappear and — happily — found him in the wall later that day. Their house is not finished (they are building it themselves) and he found an opening in the plywood underneath the kitchen counters.
SH
Thanks, ladies; I appreciate it! :-) I’ve put out food by my door and by my car in the garage downstairs. I do live in an apartment building, and it’s highly unlikely that he got outside, but just in case, I posted posters outside too. I have posters all around the building. Luckily my building is full of little old cat ladies, and so it’s like a neighborhood watch. And now everyone knows me as the girl who lost her cat who likes yogurt. :-) He’s too big to get anywhere reeeaaallly small, but I only got him a month ago, so I’m afraid that since he got out, that he got O-U-T and is somewhere neither he nor I know where. Another lucky thing is that all the doors leading into stairwells are really heavy, and so I doubt he’d be able to open them and get into the stairwell…but then kitties are wily! Oy vey…
Anonymous
My cousin’s cat ripped a hole in the lining of her box spring and hides in there when strangers come into the house. Could your cat be in your bed?
Bluejay
Could he have gotten into the air conditoner vents, or somewhere else in the ceiling/wall that was opened up by the AC technicians?
I’m so sorry. i would sob my eyes out if I coudln’t find my beloved kitties. I hope he turns up.
M-C
Have you tried having the maintenance company arrange direct contact with the people actually there? They may deny anything, as they won’t want to be responsible, but conversation might give you a lead..
With luck, you should get him back, if he’s nowhere to be found possibly some good soul took him in, and will see your signs while posting theirs :-). But I just want to take the opportunity to remind everyone to have good kitty pictures handy. I took some of my own’s distinctive spots on a contrasting background the same week I adopted him, because I often see some really blurry/distracting ones out there.. Chipping is good, but you need to get the cat to a vet to know it, or be able to use it, which is not easy even for a well-intentioned person who can afford it.
kiley
How do you deal with the anticipation of wanting something so, so much? Its not even for me. My fiance has worked a kind of terrible job for 3 years, and he barely even complains about it. He is so smart and passionate, and right now is filling out the application to a job that would just be so perfect for him. It is the environmental job of his dream, a temporary position on a campaign that I’ve heard him go on (and on and on lol) about. I just want to reach out to the job and be like him! you should hire him! He has been looking for another job for almost a year now, and I just really want this to happen for him. If he got an interview, I feel like he would have it. But his network is small right now so he is just going on the strength of his coverletter and resume (and the resume is unfortunately not that long)
thanks for letting me vent. sometimes i just feel like i could “wish” things into existence. but if I
could I would have won powerball I guess
KK
This is way late, but since no one else replied: DH is a medical resident and I went through this with him both when applying to med school and going through the match. I think you need to be careful not to get too attached to the idea of this job and also to be supportive without going overboard. He probably wants this so bad for himself already, and the last thing you want to do is make him feel like if he doesn’t get it, he’ll be letting you down too. So be supportive, but keep some distance from it. You can express your excitement to us, to your friends, etc, but downplay it around him. You have to walk a fine line between loving support and pressure/expectation.
kiley
thank you kiley, this is really great advice I am going to keep in mind
NancyD
Thead jack…Checking in re some of those delicious treats and splurges you all shared a while back. Bought myself a bag of the turtle chex mix and now must put it on my better-pass-it-up list…so yummy I almost ate the whole thing in one sitting. Then there was the search for “cookie butter” at Trader Joes. I wasn’t sure it really existed. But it does, and it is totally addictive. Between graham trackers for a late afternoon snack. On waffles the next morning, in a nice big spoon that evening. Luckily I’m not a huge TJ fan so I can steer clear of it for a while…
Anon
Not to make it any worse . . . but try it speed thinly on top of their chocolate French toast. ;)
Someone mentioned the valencia peanut butter was no longer stocked in thier store, I found it in mine last weekend. It may have just been their normal out of stock forever thing that sometimes happens. I have problems finding the tempura birdnests or coconut chickens thingies every other month.
NOLA
Sorry – I’m the one who brought turtle chex mix to this group.
top fashion online
I have worked HK myself as part of the fashion industry, its an amazing place to live and if i was in your shoes I would jump at the opportunity.
Food is amazing, city is buzzing, friendly people and if you struggle with the language there are heaps of expats :)
Do it, go on an adventure.
anon
How do y’all deal with awkward comments about your weight while at work?’
I’m not noticeably skinny, more averaged-sized (to my eyes anyway) — about 125-130lb, depending what I’ve been eating, at 5’5″. When I hang out with my similar-aged (early/mid-20s) peers, I feel like I’m healthy and strong, but not overly skinny – I have plenty of friends who really are TINY and I’m certainly not at that level.
However, I work with people who are mostly older than me (by 10+ years) and I think have a tougher issue with weight maintenance than I do, as their metabolisms have showed. Sometimes, this gets expressed as a compliment (“Oh my goodness, you are SO skinny!”) and sometimes as a veiled insult (“You really need this donut more than I do!”) Additionally, sometimes these comments come from other women (which I’m used to) but sometimes, even my boss comments on it, as in “You’re cold again? If you put some weight on, you wouldn’t always be freezing!” (in a joking way).
I honestly have NO idea how to respond to these comments. I consciously do not comment on people’s weight (positively or negatively) and tend to avoid the subject altogether at work. And it’s not like my body comes from some health-conscious effort on my part – while I do try and make it to the gym a couple times a week and not pig out on fast food, I’m self-aware enough to know I mostly have my age, genetics, and metabolism to thank for my weight. I usually just awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Is there a better way to handle these comments?
Bluejay
“It makes me uncomfortable when you comment on my body. Please don’t do it anymore.”
I can’t imagine someone would keep it up after you told them it makes you uncomfortable.
Monday
This. It’s incredibly uncomfortable and awkward, but remember that they created this situation, not you.
M-C
I never had much trouble with that when I was young because.. everyone knew I ate a lot more than they did :-). But you can always offer to share some of your chocolate with the troubled soul, looking very compassionate all the while. Do try to remind them, if you can without causing yourself professional troubles, that comments on colleagues’ bodies are generally never appropriate.
Bunkster
Ladies, I know there was a thread at one point about swimwear for chestier women, but I can’t find it. My sister-in-law had a baby in October and now she’s a 32DD. Any brand recommendations?
Bluejay
Lands End sells swimwear in cup sizes and I think it was nearly universally recommended. I always get my swimsuits from Lands End, but a lot of online l i n g e r i e stores like Bare Necessities, Figleaves, etc also sell suits in cup sizes.
Flamingo
Second Lands End. Everything but water also carries different cup sizes (check what your local store has), though their suits are pricier.
DC Jenny
I’ve had good luck with the J Crew one-piece halter styles. Also, I have an Ester Williams retro one-piece that I love.
Anne Shirley
Freya is amazing. Also check out Bravissimo.com
Joan Holloway
Panache also has great bra-sized swimwear.
Hourglassy has a roundup of bra-sized swimwear for D cups and up from the current season here: http://hourglassy.com/2012/06/full-coverage-reading-roundup-for-d-cups-and-up-2012-large-bust-swimsuit-reviews/
Anon
I know I could google a recipe but I’m interested in feedback from the hive. Does anyone have a rec for hot links, red beans and rice or corn pudding? I may be having a craving for grandmother’s cooking at the moment.
TCFKAG
This may be heresy, but I like the Goya red beans and rice that comes in a box. :-P
NOLA
I don’t know if this is the kind you’re referring to, but:
Easy corn pudding:
2 cans of cream-style corn
1 can of corn (drained)
2 Tbsp sugar
salt & pepper
1/4 cup melted butter or margarine
Mix all of this in a 2 quart casserole dish.
Beat 4 eggs with one cup of milk. Stir in to the casserole.
Bake 1 hours at 350.
NOLA
Okay how is it that I removed the s on “hours” and it came back when I posted. I give up!
M-C
I love Edna Lewis and Scott Peacok’s “the gift of Southern cooking”. Very simple, very elegant, and always the tastiest whatever I’ve ever had. Genius.
shebringshomethebacon
(long time poster, using a different handle now)
This might be too late in the weekend, but I’ll try anyways. Visiting San Diego soon and would love the hive’s recs on good restaurants. A close friend’s son just graduated from HS and I’d love to take her and her son to a “friend, congrats on raising such an awesome son!” and “son, congrats on graduating!” dinner. Mediterranean/Italian cuisine, preferably somewhere with an awesome view of the ocean, maybe $50 or so/person? TIA!
Also, somewhere on this thread (I can’t find it for some reason), someone asked about personal finance blogs. I recently started mine recently (mind you, I’m no expert), linked above, where I’ll post my musings on all things PF-related.
shebringshomethebacon
shebringshomethebacon.wordpress.com
Ellen
I am working NOW! FOOEY! I hope the manageing partner appreciates me!
C
Just a quick fashion observation rant. I have seen all sorts of ladies recently ruining otherwise perfect office appropriate outfits with flip flops. This makes me sad :(
Anony Anony
Ladies,
You might not remember, but a few months ago, I was the poster who asked about “going back” to a man I had formerly dated, who had once put his hands on me. I had thought about it, and truly believed he could change — and the hive basically went 50/50 in y’all’s opinions.
It turns out he can’t change. At least now I know?
anon
I’m so sorry that you had to go through it again to find out. I wish I could offer more or better consolation, but I wanted you to know that someone out there is reading and is thinking about you.
another anon
I’m really sorry. At least now you won’t be wondering “what if” anymore, and you can move on. Please get this guy out of your life now.
J
You see, men like this need to get the Jeebus beaten out of them, or better yet neutered. The best way to control these situations is never to get sexual with a man until after marriage.
kiley
I’m so sorry. I feel like that was a sarcastic “at least now I know” but it can be a genuine one. I can’t imagine what a difficult time this is for you, but I know you’ll get through it. And you’ll back and realize that not only are you a forgiving person, willing to see the best in them, you are also a strong person, and when they ruin the chance you know how and when to get out of the situation. Please take care of yourself, and come back and talk to us today when there are more people around.
M-C
Well, 6 months isn’t too bad to throw out the window to be certain. But these guys are usually very good liars, and very well versed in convincing you that -next- time they’ll really change. Do be careful that you don’t give him any further chances, because sooner or later you’ll be too exhausted/cowed/injured to be able to get out any longer.
I’d recommend reading Lundy Bancroft’s “why does he do that” to clarify things for yourself. You at least need better information about what needs to change and ways to detect real effort.