Weekend Open Thread

558 Comments

1. Yay open thread! This dress is really cute :)
   So I might have the opportunity to work in Hong Kong for about 2 years. Any comments?
   I have lived in the US and Europe, but never Asia and it really seems like a fascinating place. No Chinese but I pick up languages super fast and loooove learning them. I would be part of a satellite office of a US based company so no issues about work permits, etc. Staff is mostly local folks though. Could be exciting! I do have a dog, but I hear that if they’re up to date on shots, there is usually minimum fuss with that? Hope to hear what other ‘rettes have experienced in that part of the world!

   1. I lived in Asia for awhile (not HK, although I visited there) and I say go for it! It sounds like you do not have family commitments yet, keep in mind opportunities like this will be much much harder if you at some point have a family! It’s worth consider if it would in anyway set back your career though. I knew going into my adventure it would, but I decided the adventure outweighed the setbacks and I am so glad I did!

   2. I’ve only visited, but while my friends and I were there, we mentioned several times how this was a place we could see ourselves living. Great intersection between Eastern and Western cultures – when walking around in some neighborhoods we could have been walking around NYC – which I like when living somewhere because it’s a reminder of home and helps with comfort level. And you would be able to do so much travel all over Asia!

   3. Re: your dog. I think that there may be some red tape involved when moving dogs internationally… my friend works for a company that focuses exclusively on pet shipping, and they do really well because of the fact that a lot of people can’t / don’t want to spend the time doing all the leg work. Vaccinations, paperwork, etc…. and even accompanying the pet on flights if necessary. If your work is covering the price of relocation or if you’re in a time crunch, it may be worth looking into. Send me a message at m e z z a l u n a.c o r p o r e t t e @ g m a i l if you are interested in getting the company info.

   4. There are good and affordable bespoke tailors in HK.

   5. I studied abroad in Hong Kong and loved it. Very easy to get around in if you don’t speak the language. It’s not a great tourist city, but it is a great living city, if that distinction makes sense. I’d jump on the chance to live there again before I have kids, and my brother is currently seriously considering it at my urging.

      They speak Cantonese, not Mandarin, although the two languages are similar enough you can get around if you speak Mandarin. Really, you can get around very easily if you speak English, too.

      Things to keep in mind: It’s very, very expensive to live in. Clothing is cheap, but food and housing are very expensive. Also, there are vegetarians who live in Hong Kong, but I wouldn’t want to be one of them. So if you have meat-based food restrictions, that’s something to think about.

      1. HK is a great place but can be expensive, especially housing, if you want to be in the expat areas. Great base to see ASIs and of course china.

         Generally safe and cosmopolitan.

   6. Go for it. HK is a great place to get your feet wet as a professional in Asia – large expat ecosystem, 1st world infrastructure, minimal requirement for local language skills but definitely no longer in Kansas.

      As others have noted though, accommodation can be eye-wateringly expensive and practice varies a lot as to whether an employer will cover it – some people still have expat packages (accommodation, school fees, annual trip home) but these are increasingly holdovers from an earlier era. Many others do get some form of COLA adjustment though. Get an idea on potential adjustment required by googling some rental sites – the biggest agency in HK is called Centaline and I got re-directed to its luxury site ‘Stately Home’ when trying to find a link for you – lots of listings in the 600 – 800 sq ft size, USD 2.50 – 3.50 psf a month, in upmarket areas/ buildings, to give some idea.

      Can’t contribute on the dog question though !

   7. I love HK although I’ve only vacationed there several times vs worked there. However, one of the associates at my previous law firm was stationed there and had national holidays ALL the time. Great opportunities for travel.

   8. So, I live here and I love it! A few comments:

      1) To echo the other commenters, real estate here is CRAZY expensive. Expect to pay through the nose (New York level prices ++) for an apartment, particularly if you want to live in an expat-friendly building/area.

      2) If you aren’t on an expat package, be aware that outside of finance, salaries tend to be much lower than they are in the States. As a one woman point of reference, I work for a relatively large MNC as a local; gross, my salary is literally 1/2 of what my organization would pay somebody in an equivalent position in the US. Granted, if you take into account the tax differential, the difference drops to about 25%.

      Financial considerations aside, though, I have to say that for me, being here is 100% worth it from a career standpoint. Obviously, the economy is doing a whole lot better. Additionally, Hong Kong is both a regional hub for SE Asia and for the greater China area, so I’ve been able to gain a lot of international experience and gain exposure to deals/projects that somebody at my level would NEVER touch back in the US, simply because the demand is so great and the market is still developing. I do intend to transition back to the US at some point, and (fingers crossed…) the experience I’m gaining now will stand me in good stead there as well.

      I hope this pans out for you! Seriously, Hong Kong is a fantastic place to be young/single/career driven, if you can make the financial side of things work.

2. Don’t want to stalk you, but do want to know . . .

   Who won our wager? On April 27, we wagered that “within the first month of your job, more than one of your new colleagues will ask you whether, in all your years of reviewing trial transcripts, you ever saw X and what you thought of it.” I think last week marked one month, right? And if I was wrong, I still get the sense from your other posts that it has been a good move.

   Read more: https://corporette.com/2012/04/27/weekend-open-thread-130/#ixzz1xn5tRUNg

   1. Not to be nosy, but I missed school the day that this discussion went down, but I’ve seen several posts referencing it and I’m dying to know what the backstory is.

   2. I haven’t been asked that question yet but thank you so much for checking in. I WAS SO NERVOUS about switching from appeals to litigation support but boy oh boy am I happy I did. I have been assigned two very complex motions to respond to and argue in the trial court and have been answering questions left and right from trial attorneys. The only “bad” part is that one made a fairly big mistake the other day and after consulting with my boss (who is great so far) I had to explain to clueless first year attorney what the mistake was and why we were not going to appeal the judge’s decision to order a new trial. It was kind of like scolding her and telling her to deal with her mistake. I didn’t like it but she didn’t seem to upset. The new office is absolutely great and I get to interact with far more people on a daily basis than when I was stuck in my office reading transcripts all day. It is way more stressful, but in a positive way. Girls, when opportunity knocks, listen!

      1. As a clueless first year attorney myself: Don’t feel bad about “scolding” the newbie. I’m sure you didn’t say it in a way that was rude or out-of-line, which would be the only things that would bother me about this kind of feedback as a new lawyer. The fact of the matter is, we newbies are learning, and unless someone tells us what we’re doing wrong, we won’t get better.

         If I were the first year, I’d be really glad you took the time to talk to me about it. I’m sure if she was upset it was about the mistake, and not at you.

      2. I am so glad it was a good move for you.

3. How appropos. I went to BR for the first time in ages to check out the Trina Turk collection. I really wanted to like it, but I was rather disappointed in the quality. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised seeing as that’s why I stopped shopping at BR. The fabrics felt thin, cheap, and/or flimsy, but colors were great. The bikini looked really cute in the display. I didn’t try anything on, so I will be interested to hear feedback from any r e t t e s that did. I may end up buying one of the scarves from the collection eventually.

   More importantly, TOMORROW! SF Bay (hee!) meet-up in Oakland, with special guest star Kontraktor, brought to you by karenpadi. Saturday, June 23rd at 1pm. We’ll meet at Rudy’s Can’t Fail in Oakland (near the 19th St BART station). See you there!

   1. Maybe for my summer vacation I should just travel around the country and attend various ‘r e t t e meet-ups. These sound like fun.

   2. So excited! I’ve been meaning to check out the new Rudy’s location since it opened forever ago, and now’s my chance.

      1. I dont suppose anybody is here? I feel I might beissong something :-P

   3. I’m excited. I feel the stress re outfit planning is intense! I mean we wax poetic all day here about fashion/clothes and like.. what if I don’t live up??? ;-)

      But I am excited to meet everybody and head to Rudy’s. Hubs and I almost went there before he left so now I get to test it before he comes back.

      1. This is why I would go the other direction entirely, and wear something way casual. (If appropriate for the meet up location) Like jeans, flats and a nice top. :)

      2. I had that for the first couple Boston one…then I just started wearing “the skirt’ and/or polk dots to every.single.one and have been fine. I promise ours at least is not a fashion show.

   4. Well, I bought a bikini with matching short board shorts in the pisces pattern at Loehmann’s years ago, so I couldn’t help myself and bought the pisces-patterned top as a cover up. Still contemplating the dress as well, especially since customers said the fit is better for pear-shaped women.

   5. Interesting — I was actually pleasantly surprised with all of the BR Trina Turk stuff. I bought two of the long sleeve blouses (cotton silk blends), the blue/green/yellow cotton dress, the scarf in the same print, the white silk dress, the white cotton blazer, and the silk tank in the same print as Kat’s featured dress. (Yeesh, typing that out made me realize that i went a bit nuts…) I honestly cant even tell you what my favorite piece is. I’m usually not a huge BR fan, but this collection won me over. I’ve worn both long sleeve blouses and the blazer, and all three of those items looked and felt great.

   6. I’ve been so looking forward to this, and now that I know Kontracktor will be there even more so! She has been my sensei on the last few threads re: worklife balance and priorities. But guys, please allow me to show up in sweatpants and sneakers. I’ve been under the weather and caring for a sick child the last few days, and the pressure to look awesome will crush me completely.

      1. The best part about r e t t e meet-ups is finding out that behind all the screen names are women in sweatpants and real lives. :-)

         WEAR WHAT YOU WANT PEOPLE.

   7. I really hope to be able to make one of these! Have a great time.

4. Oh wow, I did not think it was possible to hate a dress as much as I do that one shouldered, bow, bad trim, ugly print. . . .

   Wow, just wow bad.

   1. Agree, it looks like a 70’s print throw on a paisley couch, or some such monstrosity.

   2. I’m just over the one shouldered dress fad period. I was hoping for more from this collection.

      1. Or for 2750 — you can look like the sadder, more depressed sister rejected from Little House on the Prarie.

         http://www.neimanmarcus.com/product.jsp?itemId=prod146890025&ecid=NMALRJ84DHJLQkR4&CS_003=5630585

         1. For this post to make sense you would have to understand that there is an earlier post, awaiting moderation that said:

            Was that a challenge? For the cool price of $2500, you can go to the prom in the eighties…in hideous floral.

            http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/Pamella-Roland-Floral-Print-Cocktail-Dress-New-Arrivals/prod77940008_cat361600_cat000002_/?index=1&isEditorial=false&cmCat=cat000000cat000002cat361600&ecid=BGALRJ84DHJLQkR4

            (I hate when I forget links can’t be in the first level post)

         2. Okay, this post is going to make more sense when my other two posts escape m*d*ration purgatory about how there are other uglier dresses.

            Darn.

         3. Reminds me of Christina Ricci as Wednesday in the Addams Family movie.

   3. Was that a challenge? For the cool price of $2500, you can go to the prom in the eighties…in hideous floral.

      http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/Pamella-Roland-Floral-Print-Cocktail-Dress-New-Arrivals/prod77940008_cat361600_cat000002_/?index=1&isEditorial=false&cmCat=cat000000cat000002cat361600&ecid=BGALRJ84DHJLQkR4

      1. I wore floral to my prom in the 80’s.

         1. I must have been ahead of my time because I wore floral to my prom in the 70s! Beautifully coordinated, I might add, with my date’s baby blue tuxedo!

5. I have stopped taking Ocella, but have several months’ supply in sealed blister packaging and original boxes. I have no use for them now. If you have a valid, current Rx for Ocella, I will be happy to send them to you for free via snail mail. Please leave your email address if interested.

   1. No snark but isn’t that illegal? And why would you offer drugs to strangers over the interwebs? And you’re a pharmacist now so you’re going to verify people’s prescriptions?

      1. I thought maybe it was only illegal if I sold it? I wasn’t planning to verify the Rx, just rely on the representation. It just seems a shame to throw away birth control that could be very useful to someone else, especially someone without health insurance. The way you put it though, it sounds like I should just throw them away. I am not trying to do anything wrong here.

         1. Also not trying to be snarky, but I think the best thing to do is return them to the pharmacy for appropriate disposal. As someone who used to take Ocella, I would have appreciated a few free cycles in theory. :)

      2. Ocella’s already answered for herself, but I for one (while fully realizing that you’re not supposed to share prescription drugs) think it was a very nice offer. It’s not like she’s offering Adderall. Yes, people here are “strangers over the interwebs,” but it’s also a supportive community of generally mature women, some of whom have said they are very tight on money.

      3. Throw them away. Please.

      4. @ Godzilla
         “No snark” followed by “And you’re a pharmacist now so you’re going to verify people’s prescriptions?”
         Do you know what “snark” means, exactly? This wouldn’t be so offensive except you’re snarking in response to an obviously sincere and kind offer.

         1. This. Totally snarky and uncalled for. How about offering your simple and heartfelt suggestion that prescriptions should not be shared.

   2. A women’s clinic or shelter may be able to accept them as a donation. I’d call the pharmacy and ask if they know how you can dispose of them without throwing them away.

      1. This

6. I would like to make a public admission to a new addiction… tie-dying.

   Although I’ve always been a fan (my piscean fish are 1 type-A, 1 total hippie), not having a job plus having a yard and buckets has been equaling weekly tie-dying… someone ought to stop me before I need Kat to tell me how to properly wear a tie-dyed suit to an interview!

   Also, to those who celebrate, Happy Pride weekend for so many cities! Regardless of your beliefs, I truly hope we all become so happy in our own skin that we want to celebrate ourselves and each other! :)

   1. You can make tye dyed JSFAMO tee shirts, which would be so beyond awesome.

      1. if anyone wants to send me theirs, I would happily tie-dye them! (Or anything else anyone wants!)

         1. that was me… apparently my new computer automatically makes everything “anon” unless I change it… interesting and good to know!

   2. I also love tye dye. Not so much the traditional all the colors at once version on a baggy t-shirt, but the 2-3 color, more “sophisticated” pairings…. I envy your yard and buckets of tye dye. If you haven’t done it already, may I recommend you tye dye some sheets? It won’t hurt your interview options and it will make sleep time so much more enjoyable.

      1. Oh, AIMS, a gal after my own heart! I’ve been sleepin’ on tie-dyed sheets for over a decade… when I was in college they were the basic rainbow tie-dye, then grad school I did them in a teal color that looks more like water than tie dye and I loved them so much, they’ve remained :)

   3. I never ever thought I would see a tie dye reference here that wasn’t negative. You are my person of the week K!

      :)

      I have done some batik style dye jobs on some older bed sheets in our guest room and they turned out great. Note that the borax you use in the tie dye process is also great as a low-abrasive cleaner for sinks and toilets if you have any left over.

      I love multi-tasking products. :)

      1. person of the week?!?! SugarMag, you make my life!

      2. Absolutely second that :-). On both tie-dye and pride counts. Yeah, tie-dyed rainbows!
         Everyone else, excellent supplies and directions on http://www.dharmatrading.com/ if you want to play..

   4. Tye dye!!!!

      And yay for Pride week! I’m going to my first Pride parade this year. I’ve wanted to go for years but something else always seemed to be going on. Totally excited I can finally go!

   5. I never thought I’d see some one else confessing to a dye addiction on this site! I set up an indigo vat a couple of weeks ago and am now buying giant boxes of plastic gloves at the drug store. I’m looking for more things to turn blue.

7. Would I regret buying a one bedroom condo? Single, childless, late twenties, live in a high cost of living area. I assume I would rent the condo if I was ready to move into some place bigger, instead of selling it (although, who knows what the future holds).

   1. When my husband and his daughter moved in with my 3 years ago, he rented out his house. It is very nice to have that income, and he has the best tenants ever. Do you know what the rental market is for one bedrooms in your area? If it’s good, and you are game to be a landlord, it sounds like a plan.

   2. I was in your same situation earlier this year. I live in Northern VA, and have been sickened by how much I’m paying in rent every month (and when I calculate that out to a year… yikes.) Anyway, I decided I wanted to buy in the area, and started looking around. Turns out I couldn’t afford a whole lot in the area I wanted, or what I could afford involved repairs I had no desire to undertake. Ultimately, it came down to whether I wanted a lovely 1 bedroom in the area I was hoping for, or a two bedroom slightly outside of that area. I decided the extra bedroom was more important to me for two major reasons: 1) I didn’t want to force my parents into a hotel or force myself on to the couch when they come to visit, and 2) I figured, when I go to resell the place, there are probably a fair number of people like myself that are really hesitant to buy a one bedroom. I’m also single, but really hope not to stay that way forever, and I would ultimately like to have kids. I figured the extra bedroom gives me some flexibility for if/when a husband and kids come into the picture.

   3. I was in your position 2 years ago. My rent was only going up and up (like 20%+/year). Long story short, I bought a small 3/2 house in a decent-but-not-great neighborhood instead of a condo.

      My reasoning:
      I was buying as a hedge against rents. I based my budget on achieving “rental parity” where my monthly cost to own is roughly equal to my monthly cost to rent. As an indication of how crazy rents are in the Silicon Valley, I refi’ed from a 30-year to a 15-year mortgage and–with a $500+ per month mortgage payment increase–I’m still at rental parity.

      I didn’t look at condos because HOA fees and assessments take away some of the predictability in ownership costs and can go up at any time (again, I bought as a hedge on rents).

   4. Someone once said to me: It’s easier to sell a used condom than a one bedroom condo.

      Regardless, I bought a two bedroom condo and turned it into a one bedroom because it made it feel so much more spacious and I have no intention of moving anytime soon so I don’t care if it’s hard to get rid of. I think, generally, one bedrooms are hard to sell.

      1. I think it depends on the market. It certainly isn’t the case in NYC.

   5. Just a word of caution– really consider if you want to be a landlord. I rented my house when I moved for a job, and it was a total disaster. On every account. I absolutely could have done a better job choosing a tenant (advice: don’t rent to friends who otherwise would not meet your rental app standards… there is a reason they can’t find any other place to rent. And no, they won’t respect your stuff because you are their friend), but it really put me off of the whole landlord thing. Once I evicted them, I sold the house. I would absolutely use a management company next time, which can eat up any margin you make on rent, depending on your mortgage, taxes, etc. Just food for thought!

   6. Depends on your market too – in Seattle, 1BRs are in huge demand, not so much 2BRs.

   7. Be careful of the assumption that you can rent whenever you’re ready to do so. Many condo HOAs cap the renter-occupied units at 25% of total units. My complex has 84 units and all the 25% slots are filled, plus a waiting list of 12 owners who want to rent.

      Some HOAs are more lax about this than others–I have plenty of friends in other complexes who are renting on the sly–but it’s not a guarantee by any means.

   8. Keep in mind that whether or not you can rent it out depends on the rules of the condo. But generally, unless you plan to live in a 1-BR for a very long time, you’ll have an easier time with a 2-BR when it comes to selling it or adapting it to whatever your life may bring.

   9. While I think there are many plusses to being a homeowner, there are many negatives to being a condo-owner that you should consider:
      (1) if you are buying into a *small* condo association (as in less than 10 units) those things can be real sh*t shows.
      (2) Even in bigger associations, you can be hit with huge, huge assessments if something goes wrong with the building — essentially making the place unsellable.
      (3) Real estate is always best if viewed as a long term investment. That was the problem with the boom in the 2000s. People were buying on the assumption that they’d be able to turn a “quick” profit.
      (4) If you are going to rent, you need to figure out how much work you’re willing to put into it. If the answer is “eh…not much” or “I might move away” — then you need to look into how much it costs to hire a rental management company now (or get into a building that has one) and figure out if your city can bear a rent that covers your mortgage, carrying costs (taxes) AND that additional cost (don’t forget HOA fees).
      (5) God, don’t forget HOA fees…in some buildings they can almost be anothers month rent.

      Finally — there’s a mindset out there that drives me a little bonkers, that every months rent that you pay is “going to paying someone else’s mortgage” and that that is somehow a crime. Remember that that rent is getting you a month of goods and services (room, landlord care, etc.) and the freedom that comes with the ability to move, not having to fix things, not having to buy appliances, etc.

      Do I think buying a condo is absolutely always a bad idea…no. But its pretty risky and I’ve known enough people who have been burned to be worried for anyone planning on it.

   10. I’ve posted my condo-owning horror story on a thread a few months ago. I bought a one-bedroom condo near DC and would never, ever do it again. In fact, I sold it (at a huge loss) last year and am renting again.

       The other responses gave some good reasons as to why condos in general aren’t great if your goal is to hedge against rent increases. Over the seven years I owned my unit, the condo fees increased at a rate comparable to rent increases. We had special assessments on top of that. By the time I sold, my monthly cost was $1600, and I was renting it out for $1200. It was hard to find renters — most people who are willing to live in the burbs have no need for a one-bedroom, and anyone who was looking for a one-bedroom wasn’t going to pay anywhere near what I needed to cover my expenses when they could find better options in more vibrant neighborhoods.

       When I moved back to DC, I sold the albatross and found a nice house to rent. I could never afford to buy it, but I absolutely refuse to buy another condo. I’ve reconciled with the fact that as long as I stay in this area, home ownership is not going to happen.

8. Does anyone else find themselves envious when they come to this site sometimes? So many happily married/coupled women, so many who have spare cash to throw around, so many who are worried about problems I could only wish to have.

   I do not want to sound like a bad person but sometimes I wish I could trade lives.

   1. I think that every marriage is based on a “deal” between the parties, and you never know what the real “deal” in any marriage is unless you are one of the parties to the marriage. Marriages that appear good frequently aren’t, and marriages that are good for those parties might be terrible for you.

      I think the same is true for other women’s lives, married or not. Just because it looks great in all respects — great job, good pay, nice body, excellent health, whatever — doesn’t mean that it is all those things, or that she is happy, or that you would be happy with her life.

      (I admit that the latter point helps me not completely h a t e a former colleague who was brutal toward me.)

   2. I like to think we have all kinds of people on here, with many different kinds of problems and many different life situations. Plenty of us are uncoupled, plenty of us don’t have “spare cash to throw around.” Some of us have walked through fire to get where we are now (not to be too melodramatic). Not to be harsh, but I think you might see what you’re looking for.

      1. ….”walked through fire to get t[here].” WORD. Adoring spouse, brand new healthy precious baby (at 44! Yeah!), cute house in great neighborhood, job I love… All this came together after a huge amount of hardworking and some very painful soul-searching. For many years, I eas the one envying all te happy couples.

      2. I for one haven’t been on this website in a week because I’ve been busting my @$$ working 12-hour days in food service and retail, for barely above minimum wage, so I can have the money to Pursue My Dreams come this fall. I don’t mean to say that in an attempt to garner sympathy–like NOLA said, I think I’m currently engaged in the walking through fire part of getting myself to where I want to be. So OP, yeah, I think this is, on the whole, an affluent, successful community, but we’re not all driving Lexuses and buying $900 handbags.

         1. I’d been wondering what happened to you! Glad you stopped by.

   3. I don’t think you are a bad person, nor do you sound like a bad person for your post.

      Perhaps you’ve missed the threads where people have first dates with DOOSHes, bad phone conversations with possible-first-date DOOSHes, divorces, creepy stalkers, prolonged unemployment, or crappy jobs with horrible bosses and backstabby coworkers, and massive amounts of law-school debt?

      Seriously, though, you have yourself. And all of your internal resources. Don’t underestimate that. Because if you underestimate yourself, the perfect spouse, the perfect career, the perfect house, and the gazillion dollars in the bank account won’t cure the envy or the discontent.

      Circumstances change, you’ll always have yourself.

      1. Susan, you’re so cool. Not the OP, but thanks for this. :)

   4. Singlehood = freedom.
      Lack of assets diminishes responsibilities to maintain said assets, e.g. house and car maintenance, and adds mobility.

      Count your own blessings.

      1. This.

         Looking back, my happiest year was my first year out of college when I was making next to nothing, drowning in debt, single, and budgeting $3 per meal. I think back to that year sometimes and I don’t know how I did it, but I also don’t know of many times since then that I have been so happy.

         I am an attorney now and make very good money. I can decide on a whim to throw money at ridiculous things. But some days, I wish I could go back to being that girl who lived life to the fullest on cheese sandwiches and second hand clothes.

         1. Admittedly, I have felt a twinge of envy here and there sometimes… hearing you all mention great husband/partner moments or awesome job successes don’t make me jealous (since I know how hard you all work and how much you all deserve such) but I -do- sometimes wish I had those moments in my current life.

            Thanks for this, Constance, it was surprisingly helpful to hear :)

            1. You will. You are too fabulous not to. Sometimes you just have to do the right things, make good decisions, and have faith.

            2. Thanks, K! I was in a similar situation to you about a year ago, and I just want to share one more thing with you. Looking back on my low point, I see so many missed opportunities for pure joy because I was too concerned with where I “should” be. I did have really joyful moments, but I didn’t appreciate them because it didn’t involve a man or my dream job. I do hope you take a moment to revel in the awesomeness of your tie dye sheets or whatever else it is you have going on these days! (Its been a busy week… I’m a bit behind). I’m sure you DO have “those” moments in your life! Don’t let yourself take that away from you!

            3. You will get there. During law school I was an absolute mess. No money, a string of terrible boyfriends, untreated bipolar disorder. A TERRIBLE MESS! I graduated (miraculously), moved, reconnected with my high school sweetheart, got married, passed the bar and got a job in government. My husband makes more than double my salary and pays my loans for me. It isn’t ideal, but it is what I have. There is always someone to be jealous of but coming from someone who has been at the very bottom of the barrel, you can achieve whatever you put your mind to.

         2. I could have written this post. At times, I have tried to go back to the $3 per meal budget because it really kept my waistline in check.

            1. Yes! I was so much thinner on the $3 per meal budget!

         3. Love that… finding joy and letting go of the idea of where you “should” be. Thank you, Constance.

   5. There have actually been a few threads about this sort of thing- jealousy of friends who seem to have perfect lives. It’s very common and I think humans are competitive by nature so there is a very real instinct to compare yourself to others. But you have to understand that it is fruitless at best, and self-destructive at worst. Other posters have already addressed why these comparisons may not even be valid (and internet comparisons, whether blog community or facebook, are the most worthless of all). I just want to encourage you to step away from your computer and go live your life.

      For example, I wish I looked like Freida Pinto. I think she is so beautiful. But no amount of staring at pictures is going to make that happen. It’s just a waste of time that could be spent living my actual life. I can’t be her. It’s pretty easy to accept that because she is famous, right? It’s harder with people who are accessible. I wish I had could have gotten married 3 years ago like Friend A or that I had the career connections and success of Acquaintance B or the clear skin of Cousin C. But you have to put all of those people in the same category as Freida or Angelina or Queen Rania or whoever. The category is : people who are not you and therefore are irrelevant. Focus on you. The only life you have any control over is your own.

      If all else fails, remember there are people worse off than you. And I don’t mean the starving kids in Africa, I mean people in your life who you would not trade places with. You can break the cycle of envy by thinking of those people and feeling grateful.

      1. Just to reiterate, you have no idea what is going on in people’s lives. I’m often astounded at what horrible experiences people have been through, or what current horrible experiences they’re hiding. Quick example — I had a friend in college who was rich. Crazy rich. Like if I said his last name you’d know his family’s company rich. And spoiled. But his mother died when he was a little boy. One night, it was what would have been his mother’s birthday, I heard him howling and sobbing and making the most agonizing noises in the back staircase of our dorm for almost an hour — this was a 20 year old man — because he still missed his mother and he’d just seen his father, who never got over hiw wife’s death, and was crying because he hated what a wreck his father had become. I have never once wanted to trade lives with him. But if you didn’t hear him that night, you might think he had everything in the world.

         1. This x1000. I have friends who are amazing people and wildly successful, but who have lost parents, or grown up in extreme poverty, or been abused – and that’s just what I know of, not even getting into what else may go on behind closed doors. Any time I wish I could trade lives, I remind myself that no matter how perfect someone’s life may seem, there is some part of it you wouldn’t take. Even Kate Middleton has a balding husband and has the whole world watching her belly. She probably has nightmares about having a baby and a nurse posting a hidden-camera video of the birth on YouTube! No one’s life is perfect, and everyone has something that another person wishes they had.

   6. All of life is about trade-offs. Married people give up things singles have (and vice versa). People with money often give up something valuable (time, integrity, a non-lucrative passion) to get it. You can’t just compare yourself to the perceived best things about someone else’s life.

      1. Well said!

   7. If it makes you feel better, I’m married (to a great guy), have a job I like and do have spare cash to throw around. I’m also the poster who posted not too long ago about my eldest son, who has a learning disability, depression and likes to get high. I just recently found out his drug use is more serious than we previously knew, and he’s headed for outpatient drug treatment. If he fails that, he’s headed for inpatient. He may not get to go to the college that I spent the last 20 years saving to be able to pay for. In addition, he just failed a whole year of math because he basically did not try. Our concern for this kid leads to marital (and family) stress every day. I love this boy but sometimes wish I had your life.

      Another true story: someone who I know quite well is a physician, married to a very high powered physician who makes a ton of money and has billions of job opportunities. Recently, her husband was diagnosed with a serious illness, her father died and now her son was in a serious car accident. I’m sure she would trade most of her money/opportunity to have avoided the recent tragedies/burdens in her life.

      1. Anon for this – I remember reading about your son. I am sorry that you are dealing with this situation and I sincerely hope lots of strength and peace for you all.

      2. I remember your original post about this a while back. Sorry to hear that the situation hasn’t improved. I hope everything works out for your family.

      3. fingers crossed that you’re a few years away from having a son who is preparing to finish school and start his life as a drug counselor or a math teacher and that the stress of today is just part of what’ll help him get there!

      4. I, too, remember reading your original post. I’m sorry that things haven’t improved yet, and wish you the best.

      5. I am sorry your family is struggling. My cousin had a very serious drug problem when he was in high school–and finally dropped out. After several failed attempts at rehab, his parents sent him to Hazelden. He’s now lived in Minnesota for many years, is sober, finished high school, and (I think) has finished college–if he hasn’t finished, then he’s still in college. Sure he’s an older college student (mid-20s instead of early 20s), but his life is back on track. His parents never gave up and I’m confident you won’t either. There are many people like your son who get their lives back on track. I hope your son can too.

      6. My heart goes out to you , Anon for this. I have a son who graduated high school at the top of his class, with nearly perfect SAT scores and decent ECs and started off at an Ivy League school’s engineering program. Within a year he became addicted to the Internet, stopped doing work, stopped going to class, and just didn’t show up for class. Three years and many thousands of dollars later, he is on medical leave from school and has recovered none of the ambition and productivity he had in high school. He has been in therapy for 2 years and has not one but several mental health issues. I am envious of parents who effortly produced perfect children – who got into decent schools, did the work, graduated, and are working, all without missing a beat. You would trade lives – I would trade MY SON in a heartbeat. (just kidding – good parents aren’t supposed to say that). I have this fantasy of selling the house, paying off his car, paying for a year’s worth of car insurance, giving him $10,000 and say, “You’re on your own, sweetie,” and disappearing. See you at Christmas!

         1. Mousekeeper–well, there’s the thing, you don’t know what was really happening with those families who “effortlessly” produced “perfect” children. Just personally, I got into a good college, did the work, and graduated with decent grades–but for various reasons I was a complete basket case at home from K to 12. To the point that my family almost shipped me off because they couldn’t deal with how unrelentingly awful I was (and they would have been justified in doing so). At school, I was fine, and I know for a fact several of my friends got told “Oh, why can’t you be more like a., she’s so involved and she gets such good grades,” but umm, if they’d spent 15 minutes with me at home they would have never in a million years said that. So yeah. Remember there’s always stuff going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about.

         2. My parents produced my result by nearly abusing me for my entire childhood. There was so much I missed out on. I am not sure how worth it that it was. It’s a wonder I’m not more messed up now given the things they did to me (witholding food, never letting me out of the house, things like that).

      7. I remember your original post, and am so sorry that your son’s problems have gotten worse. My thoughts are with you and your family.

      8. Anon for this, I’m so sorry to read this. I hope that your son is able to face down his demons and I wish you and your family strength and grace and lots of support in getting through this difficult time.

   8. i hear you, and dont think you are abad person at all. however, i will say that everyone has problems, they are just different. I am happily married with two wonderful children a job i love, and, as you say, cash to throw around. That does not, however, mean i am without my issues. I am constantly wishing i had more time. My job is high stress. i have back problems, and wrist problems, and dont get to see my kids or my extended family as much as i would like. my parents are both very, very sick.

      my only point is to hopefully give you some perspective.

      1. Now I feel like everyone is trying to prove that their lives are hard… kind of strange, but I get it. Can’t we all just stop the comparison thing?

         1. I don’t think that’s exactly it. I think everyone is just trying to show that outward markers of success (job, marriage, money) they might have are basically irrelevant to the level of happiness in one’s life (unless of course you have so little money that your basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing are being unmet – I imagine that money situation has a direct impact on your happiness).

         2. im not trying to prove my life is hard, hence the reference to “perspective.” In fact, I think I have a great life. if you dont like the “comparison” (which, of course is not at all what this is” then move on

   9. Remember too, how much things can change. Right now, I’m one of those people you might be jealous of – great boyfriend, a bit of extra cash, problems about which great career opportunties to pursue and which great city to live in. But, I guarantee you wouldn’t have wanted to trade lives with me two years ago, when that meant living with my abusive husband, and I was struggling to figure out what my options were morally/religiously/practically. Now I see that I had to go through that to end up where I am now – a woman much more comfortable listening and acting on her intuition, much braver, who took a huge risk which led to the said great boyfriend, and who has the energy to work her butt off to open up said great career opportunities. Of course, I didn’t know all that good stuff was coming my way when my life was soul crushingly painful for years and years. And, you know what else? I know at some point this career wave will end, and I will probably have hard times again. I’m sure enjoying things now, though! So…realize that life has different periods? Some people certainly have easier lives that others, no denying that. But most of us have plenty of hills and valleys, and you can’t wish for swamping lives without realizing what the full package might be.

   10. I agree with everything the ladies have said already. Also, remember that many of us have in-person friends or colleagues that read this website frequently, so we often change names when posting about sensitive subjects. So the same person that is going “wohoo! just got a new dress at Nordie’s” may be the same person going “anon for this” for some really tough issue. Everyone has their own stuff – focus on yours (the bad & the good!).

   11. Regular reader. You wouldn’t want to trade with me. Broke, unhappily married, over 50… There are few with perfect lives.

   12. I think you focus on the comments that make you jealous, rather than on all the other comments that don’t. As Theodore Roosevelt is credited with saying, comparison is the thief of joy.

   13. Even though my life is pretty awesome, I do struggle with jealousy/envy/comparing myself to others sometimes, and nothing good comes from that.

       Then I remind myself of this quote I once heard, and it resonated with me so much that I memorized it:

       “The danger comes when you look at someone else’s “best” and assume it’s their ‘always’.”

       1. I would just say that while it’s true that everyone’s got their own problems, and you don’t know everyone’s full life, etc., etc., it’s also not a helpful tac to take, in my opinion, to make yourself feel better by thinking, “oh, well, maybe this person has this X problem…” Not that that’s what anyone is doing, but it seems like a slippery slope. And no I don’t think the OP is a bad person. I think it takes a self aware and thoughtful person to post this kind of question.

          I also think it’s helpful to think of one or two things about your life that you do really love that you would lose if your life wasn’t yours. For instance, there are times when I see someone’s huge extended family and I think, I wish I had that in my life, but then I think if I did, my mom – who I love – wouldn’t be my mom, and my dad would never have driven me around on his bicylcle all my childhood, and I wouldn’t have had summers at my grandmother’s house as a kid… and, you know, it all gets placed in perspective. It’s like the Back to the Future movies – change one small thing, and you change it all.

   14. I often struggle with jealousy of people’s successful romantic relationships (here and elsewhere). But then I remember that everyone always thought my ex-husband and I were blissfully happy, and the truth behind the smiling facade was completely different. So I *know* that it’s not really true that everyone in the world but me is happily coupled up – it just feels that was.

   15. There is a person in my real life who I used to constantly compare myself to, especially in high school and college. It seemed like he got absolutely everything I ever wanted but didn’t ever get. He now has an incredibly different life than I do, and while I would have loved some of the opportunities he got earlier, I have really owned what I did instead and made them work for me. Even if I had those opportunities, I know my life wouldn’t be the same as his, but I also know that the opportunites I did have and took instead have made me who I am today and I wouldn’t change that. (Well at least not the vast majority of it.) Live your life so that you can become the person you want to be, while still enjoying today.

       Reading or seeing other people’s successes superficially can be really disheartening, but we all have things about our lives that aren’t perfect. Like others have said, the person who talks about the great dress they just got for 90% off might be someone who is struggling with a serious problem, you just don’t know because they switch handles. People aren’t prone to posting their disappointments, frustrations, or problems on facebook, either. When/after I broke up with my ex, I was suffering from depression. Getting rid of facebook was one of the healthiest decisions for me because I couldn’t compare myself to anyone else and look at their charmed lives and wonder how mine was so off the rails from what I thought I wanted or how it should be.

       So you definitely aren’t alone or a bad person. I really believe that each one of us has some issue that shapes how we see and interact with the world. We can’t compare “things” because they are just fundamentally incomprable across people. What looks great from the surface might be mitigated by this thing. We have to deal with the cards we have, while trying to get a better hand at the same time (not sure if this metaphor is working…). Just know that when you look at people and think that they have it so well, someone else is looking at you and wishing they had something you did–you just have no idea that it is happening.

   16. I have mixed feelings. Sometimes I think I am lucky when I read some of the comment threads and other times I wish I had similar life circumstances. You never know what people trade off to get where they are. I am financially secure/comfortable, but to get here I had to leave my family to study abroad, settle in a new country with few friends/family and live a life that can fall apart miserably any moment if I loose my job (i.e employer sponsored immigration nightmare and HUGE green card backlogs due to my country of birth). Day to day I don’t have to worry about money, work in a pretty high powered job which is what I wanted the most when I was growing up. BUT, if I am in an accident or have my appendix removed, not sure whom I can list as my emergency contact person. Even when I look up old high school friends on facebook, it is always mixed feeling, I don’t want to trade my life with them but it seems they are so much happy/content and settled in their lives.

   17. I’m a sometimes poster who is married.

       I’ve posted a few times about good stuff my husband has done and about how to make relationships work or whatever. I’ve also sometimes posted about things I own, that might give the impression we have tons of spare cash.

       What I haven’t posted is that my husband drinks to much which worries me. What I haven’t posted is that between student loans and our mortgage, we’re on a pretty tight budget, and I can’t afford most of anything people post on this site.

       Remember, people like to talk about the good more than the bad. I’m in a happy marriage (I am really) but life is not perfect for anyone. And when you start to feel lesser or jealous, remember that the woman you’re jealous of might be feeling jealous of you.

   18. This pity party is not going to make any of us feel better about our lives.

   19. This has been an interesting thread. The theme seems to be, “don’t be jealous, because other people do have problems and aren’t ‘perfect,’–you just don’t know it.”

       I don’t agree with this sentiment. First of all, what if someone’s life really is perfect? The implication of the above reasoning seems to be that: you should take comfort in the fact that other people’s lives really AREN’T going well. This seems twisted to me. The focus is still on others.

       1. I sort of respectfully disagree. I think, if I’m reading it right, that those who are sharing the “bad” aspects of the life that OP says she wishes she had are merely trying to show that what we imagine life will/would be if only when we get married/have enough money/buy that right house/find that right purse, shoes, whatever is something of an illusion.

          Instead the focus SHOULD be on yourself, because the only way to find happiness is to find the joys in your own life. Because the only things you will see when you look at others is their happinesses, their successes, and the things of theirs that you wish you had. You won’t see the bad things. But being reminded of that — being reminded that life isn’t perfect for everyone, helps at least some people (I know not all) that they need to turn their focus back inwards.

          At least, that’s how I was taking it.

   20. I think its fine, and perhaps perfectly healthy, to occasionally feel like “I want what she has.” I mean, what are goals, both personal and professional, if not aspiring to something we believe achieveable, but that we don’t yet possess?

       But life is full of peaks and valleys, and we have to experience both to appreciate either. As someone already mentioned, someone’s “best” isn’t their “always”.

       But if you see someone and envy their relationship/career/cash flow/whatever, is it important enough for you to sacrifice and work for? If so, when and what are you going to start doing to get there?

   21. The grass is always greener, right? I have a husband and baby and sme days wish I had the freedom to work twelve hour days , head to a bar after work, spend money on myself etc.

9. Please help. My DH started a new job, so now we are both getting home about 8pm on weeknights, and getting up about 6am on weekdays. We both work some weekends, too. I already had a very demanding job, and now he does too, so now it feels like we never see each other. We are both stressed and tired, and are not getting to spend much quality time together any more. It feels like we’re drifting apart, coming home stressed and tired every day. We can’t really move closer to work, as our commutes are in opposite directions. Advice? And how the h e c k do you do this with kids and/or pets, neither of which we have yet?

   1. Yes, anyone else with advice about this, please help. My husband and I are both in BigLaw and have not seen each other in four days. Literally. I know he’s been home because I see evidence of him around the house. Granted, this is worse than normal.

   2. You learn to make do. I’m an attorney and my husband is a consultant who has worked about 80-90 hours a week for the past three years. Until 4 months ago, it was the two of us and two dogs. Now we have a baby in the mix, as well.

      Basically, I get home first and either make dinner or heat up leftovers. Husband comes home within an hour of me and we’ll eat dinner and chat, watch a TV show or two. We don’t get on our phones during this time unless there’s an emergency at work. After that, my husband usually works until midnight every night except Fridays and Saturdays and I take care of the baby.

      We jealously guard our time together on weekends. We’ll only plan something with other people on either Friday or Saturday night, never both if we can help it. Sundays we both work and do laundry, but we make sure and have a nice dinner together and spend some time with each other.

      Basically, you have to make an effort to prioritize your relationship during your free time. Instead of going out with friends every weekend, we make sure that we spend quality time together. Prior to this year, my husband traveled Monday through Friday, so we see more of each other now than any other time in our marriage. It can be done.

      1. *zealously* not jealously guard our free time. It’s almost like the 8 hours of doc review that I’ve done so far today have had an effect on my brain…

   3. It doesn’t sound like you work close enough to eat lunch together, which would be my first suggestion. I would schedule at least one call per day, better if you have face time or something similar. Any way to keep communication open, even if you are just texting him a joke might help. My husband and I don’t have the horrendous schedule or commutes you describe, but we make sure we talk several times during the day-and not just about what’s for dinner or who is picking the kids up! Resist the temptation to fall into “roommate” mode and schedule time for each other. Maybe you meet up for dinner and then go back to work? Or get up just 30 minutes earlier and have coffee together. Good luck.

   4. my husband and I both work in big law and have two kids. we luckily work in the same neighborhood in a major city. We made a commitment when we had our first to doing everything in our power to have dinner together every night and to make sure that at least one of us was having dinner with the kids. So, to help that, we didnt get a nanny. we got day care. The kids HAVE to be picked up at a certain time. And everyone in both our offices know that our regular practice is to leave at 5:30 every day. We go through phases, depending on how busy each of us is, but I’d say that durring the week, all of us have dinner together 2-4 times. And there has only been 1 time in 5 years that we needed to call in an emergency babysitter because neither of us could get the kids. Also, there is quite a bit of work done at home at night after the kdis are in bed.

      The point is, you make a commitment to whatever it is that works for you, and you keep to that commitment as much as possible.

      1. I’d just like to tell you how amazingly impressive this is…in the wake of Ann-Marie Slaughter’s article, I really admire how you set boundaries and goals to prioritize work and life. Hat’s off. I am sure it’s hard…but this is very admirable, especially in the context of double-biglaw.

   5. 1. Try to expect as little as possible from each other when you come home late, stressed, and tired. Minimize chores that have to be done then and agree on who will do what. If possible, cook on the weekends so you’re just reheating or throwing together something each night.

      2. Plan some time on the weekend with each other. It doesn’t have to be a “date” outside the house, but just something routine where you block off time for each other.

      3. Let the house go as much as you can, or pay someone else to do it. If you have that little time at home you shouldn’t spend it on cleaning if you don’t have to.

      We’ve avoided pets because I don’t think we’re around often enough to be fair to the petss.

      We made it work with a kid by me working from home part-time for a few years. Later, he had a somewhat flexible schedule (changing each semester) and I could sometimes work remotely. It was hard. We have no family in the area. We did have babysitters we trusted who sometimes did school pickup. (Should I mention the day I got a call when I was out of town and the babysitter hadn’t picked up the child? There was a big mix-up on the date.) You think it will get easier as they get older, but it doesn’t because they’re involved in more things and those things require a bigger time commitment.

   6. Schedule your time together and put it on your work calendars as unavailable. Consider it sacred and inviolable. If a partner asks you to stay late, say you cannot because you have a family commitment at 8pm that you cannot miss, but you can work from home/come back starting from 10pm. Period, end of discussion. Alternately, let it be known that you have a standing commitment on a given night every week and you cannot reschedule or miss it, but you will be available to start working again after your commitment ends at 10pm.

      Sucks, but you have to do it to preserve your marriage. If all else fails, close your office door and spend an hour Skypeing with each other, like you would do if you were on a business trip.

      1. In that Anne-Marie Slaughter article, she mentioned that some of her religious coworkers had inviolate time for observation of the Sabbath. I realize marriage and a religion are not the same thing, but happy marriages are just as important to a happy life as a strong faith. I see no reason why there could not be an explanation of, I have a standing commitment every week between X time and Y time and I cannot move it or change it, sorry. You don’t have to say it is religious or lie but you also don’t have to give too much detail either.

   7. I took an overseas reporting job for 2 years while my SO stayed here. During that time, we fell into the habit of emailing each other silly/interesting news stories and 1-2 line comments during the day and made time to skype-chat several nights per week, even if only for a few mins.

      The extra emails were great- It was helpful to know he was thinking of me, even if we were both busy and the subject was about something totally unrelated (insert xx weird news story and funny comment here).

      Now that we live in the same area and he’s in biglaw, we keep our gchat on during the day, even if we’re not talking, and the news emails continue.

      No idea how people handle the schedule with kids, though. I can’t keep the apartment together as is.

      1. I actually have a very similar question for you ladies–even though I think I already know what the answer will be.

         What’s “normal?” (Yes, I know there is no “normal” when it comes to relationships. Or people generally.) But what I mean is–at what point do I have a right to say, this isn’t working for me/our marriage?

         My husband and I both have very high-stress jobs in the medical field. His hours, however, are longer than mine–so long, in fact, that there are often weeks at a time when we spend between 1-2 hrs per week together, tops.

         Otherwise, we have a great marriage. He’s not particularly happy with the situation either, and in the short term, I understand that it’s not his fault that he has the schedule he has. (Long term is a different story, but that’s a separate issue).

         Nevertheless, I am getting extremely fed up with the situation. But also, I know that we can never have the careers we want and the time amount together we want (in an ideal world, we would spend every minute together). This is to say–I don’t feel like my emotions are a particularly good gauge of how much time we “should” spend together, because my emotions want to spend 100 hrs a week together, and this is clearly unreasonable. So, since I can’t rely on emotions to answer the question of how much time we “should” spend together, I need to rely on some external, objective measure. Which is where you ladies come in.

         What’s normal? How many hours a week do couples need, on average, together to sustain a marriage? I am unhappy with 2-4 hrs a week. But, I’d probably also be unhappy with 20 hrs a week, so who knows. So what is the threshold after which I can reasonably say to him, “this is not ok, and this is not working for me”? I feel bad for being upset about our lack of time together, because I know that it’s not in his control right now, but I can’t help it.

         1. While there is no “normal” for these things, 2-4 hours a week would definitely make me very unhappy. That said, my SO and I have gone through significant periods (years) where we were living long distance for career reasons, but I felt differently about that because it was time limited. If your H is going through residency or some equivalent right now, the fact that it is time limited (even though it’s a long time) would make a big difference for me.

            It sounds like you’re already unhappy enough that you should be talking to your H about it. Are there any changes that you can make? If you’re both in the medical field, would it be possible for you to work at the same hospital? It made a big difference for me when my SO and I worked in the same department for a while, even just to be able to smile at him and squeeze his arm when I saw him in the hall, etc.

         2. Among my friends, “normal” seems to be at least 1-2 hours a day on weekdays with each other, and at least half of one weekend day where no work or housework is being done and there’s just chill time. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on circumstances. But 2-4 hours a week would not work for me for very long. My husband used to travel a week or two out of every month, but then would come back and have a lighter schedule the following week, so it got “made up.” I think it’s time to talk to your husband about some changes that could possibly be made.

   8. Do you need to be in the office after 5 or weekends ? Makes a huge difference if you can log in or conference call from opposite ends of your sofa at home.

   9. Above all, think very hard before you even dip a toe into kids, or even pets. Clearly something will have to go.. Try not to knee-jerk into it, or most likely it’ll be your career that gets the shaft.

   10. This is going to sound weird, but it might be a good idea to use some of the tactics that LDRs use. Things that might help:

       -Take some of your lunch break (even if it’s just 15 minutes) to call each other on the phone.
       -If you can use Gmail or another chat client while working, chat briefly.
       -Send each other silly internet links.
       -Send text messages at random points throughout the day.

       And I have to recommend setting inviolate “us only” time at the end of the day. That’s a very, very good idea.

10. Can I plug a nail polish brand? Rimmel. Totally, you guys, I’m going to go back and buy one in every color. I polished my fingers on Friday of the week before last, right before I left on vacation. The nail polish lasted a full week of swimming in the ocean with just some touch-ups. I normally can’t get polish to last five days of doing normal stuff even if I avoid washing dishes. My toes are still painted and still look fine. Under $5 a bottle. I can’t believe it.

    1. Thanks for the plug. I started using drugstore cosmetics again a couple of years ago, and I find that they improved dramatically in the last ten years or so.

    2. Yes! Rimmel is awesome! I love their lipsticks, too.

    3. I second this. I love their polish, though the last couple I bought (pastel-ish purple and bright pink) are kind of thick and have to applied very thin or they chip like crazy. I also like their face primer– cheap, and works just as well as Smashbox and some of the other fancier brands, largely because it doesn’t get greasy.

    4. Agreed. Rimmel is some good stuff.

    5. I’ll meet your Rimmel and raise you Wet’n’Wild. The megalast only costs about 1.99 and lasts a full week on my hands, two weeks on my toes. It’s amazing!

11. I am a pretty tiny person, definitely thin, but I have always had a little pudgy stomach. I wouldn’t say I have weight to loss, just maybe this little fat that has always been there (baby fat that never left???) Has anyone has success getting rid of this? If so.. how?? I do yoga 1-2 times a week and have an unfortunate desk job. I also walk multiple miles per week due to city living/no car. I don’t eat junk.

    1. Welcome to being a woman. Most if not all of us seem to have this little moundy/poochy/sticking out area on our stomachs. If you look closely enough, even some emaciated VS models seem to have it too. I feel it’s nearly impossible to get a truly, 100% flat stomach (although I suppose there are Olympic marathon runners and the like who do, of course).

       You could always try looking into doing some muscle toning work using weights and then things like sit ups and other ab exercises with weights. If you don’t have a lot of extra fat hiding your muscles (and it sounds like you walk enough to keep that off), toning could help tighten things up a little and the definition might make you look ‘thinner’ overall.

       1. Yep to all of this. If you’re already thin, then I think muscle-building is your best chance of reshaping your body (or even just your tummy). I’d suggest real weight training, maybe even combined with some changes in your diet (you may actually need to increase your healthy protein or calories to give yourself something to build muscle with). Genetics and womanhood may keep you from a “perfect” flat stomach, but I know a lot of women who can’t believe how much a little weight training has done for them. Plus, you’ll be stronger and feel stronger!

       2. Excellent summary. OP, consider that female hormones don’t work right with the kind of fat content that the fashionable stomachs imply, and count yourself lucky.

    2. Unfortunately, despite the common belief, there’s no such thing as “spot reduction.” As in, no amount of crunches will flatten your abs, no amount of squats will reduce your bottom–by doing strengthening exercises, all you’re doing is building muscle in these areas.

       The only way to get rid of fat in an area of your body you don’t want to have fat on is to lose weight generally. In general, people lose/gain weight over their whole body simultanously. (You’ll hear people say things like “I gain all my weight in my hips.” This isn’t exactly the case. When you gain weight, the fat cells in your body are growing, and when you lose weight, the fat cells shrink. You can’t do much to change the number of fat cells you have and where they’re located, which is determined genetically. Or so the current research has lead me to believe).

       So, if you want a flatter stomach, lose weight, but also make sure that you’re working out, so you don’t lose muscle mass.

       Or, like Kontraktor said, just accept that most women do have a naturally rounder stomach, and that’s normal and beautiful.

       1. While I agree with this, there is something to be said for “spot reduction” – as in, your fat cells don’t change, but if your abs are stronger, they stay tighter throughout the day and lead to better posture, which makes you look less poochy (at least, that’s my experience). Fat is still there, but is somewhat reduced in appearance.

    3. How often do you train abs, and what do you do for them?

    4. I’ve been doing the Dailey Method (a Lotte Berk spin off akin to Bar Method, Physique 57, Pure Barre, etc) and seen a big improvement in my tummy tightness. Most of the exercises strengthen the core and align the spine in ways I didn’t think were possible. If there’s a barre class in your area (and you have the time and money), I would give it a shot.

       1. There are a few bar studios in my city, so I’ll look into them – thanks! This is the sort of thing I was wondering about.

    5. I find that targeted core exercises help a lot (like holding a 60-90 second plank).

    6. This mean you bear good grandchildren someday! Yay!

       –Italian/Portuguese/Random grandmother.

       1. Diet is the #1 most important thing. Eat clean and combine with intense workouts (cardio + weights) 5 days a week. Only way to get a flat belly in my experience. That is the sad truth.

          1. And drink a jillion gallons of water!

          2. Yep, sadly the only time in my life that I had a truly flat stomach was when I was dancing 15 hours per week, plus doing some cardio and weight training, eating super healthy and barely touching alcohol.

          3. Yes. Abs are made in the kitchen. Sadly.

12. Banana Republic is so dead to me, but I keep trying to resuscitate it. When they had their 30% off deal, I ordered a really pretty dark beige lace tank. It’s a great neutral color for me, has a nice shape and a bit of a peplum. But, apparently BR does not like the busty women so much now. The smaller size I ordered is way too tight and squashes my breasts, but the size up is too big. So sad.

    I guess I’ll mitigate by, again, recommending their trouser jeans, which accommodate hips and don’t gap at the waist. So apparently BR is okay with a little extra below, but not above.

    My life, it is so tragic.

    1. BR is terrible for long-waisted people, too.

       The waistline for most of their dresses sit uncomfortably high on me, so I’ve given up on most BR clothes. Plus, the quality-to-price ratio is seriously lacking.

    2. I have two identical pairs of their trouser jeans and am, in fact, wearing a pair right now. LOVE them. I think you were the original poster who recommended them, so thank you! I got the first pair for $40 and the second for $35 (with coupons) and they’re fabulous for the price.

    3. I keep wanting to buy BR- some of the styles look so nice from the windows.

       Then I get up close, and nothing is actually that nice. Exception: passable dresses that are waaaay overpriced considering similar brands.

    4. I’m still a BR fan. For the price point when it’s on sale, it’s hard to get nicer trendy-ish work-appropriate clothing in a store that’s relatively pleasant to shop it (in a brick and mortar store a least). I order from zara, asos, and go to H&M etc but they’re still not up to BR’s (admittedly not great) quality, especially when you can still get pants for $30-50 and dresses for $40 on sale.

13. Allergies……..I didn’t start my steroids because I’m doing a patch test. Which was gross bc I got the patches on my back when it was THE HOTTEST EVER OMGZ. And I haven’t taken allegra since the weekend so that my reactions aren’t minimized. And I CANNOT WAIT to take allegra again because I am so out of it. And my allergist told me to take nasonex instead of astepro even though I told him that astepro is magical and he told me supplement with astepro as necessary. So I followed directions and nasonex turned me into a drippy snivelly mess. UGH. Taking pseudoephedrine to get me through my insane workdays and just 4 more days until I can ease myself with steroids and allegra. FOOEY and TGIF.

    1. I don’t know how you can stand pseudoephedrine. It makes me crazy. Sorry you’re having to go through this and I hope the patch test tells you something worthwhile. I feel so lucky that my low dose of allegra and pulmicort is working so well for my asthma. Haven’t had the three month death rattle cough in years. But as soon as I forget to look at the pulmicort bottle and it gets empty, I start getting that little cough. Rawr! (okay, that was more like a cat than a monster).

       1. Pseudoephedrine is the magic for me. But I try not to take it too much because it eventually gives me headaches (trying not to give myself high blood pressure). During a particularly bad time, I took it every day for 3 weeks and while it kept me alert, it stopped working for me. I was very sad then. Growl.

          1. My SO says his kids used to call pseudoephedrine “Daddy’s mean pills” because, although it worked for him, it made him seriously cranky. To this day he doesn’t take it.

    2. My update: as soon as I finished the Medrol 6-day oral steroid pack, I lost my sense of smell again. I still have 2 weeks left of antibiotics, so I am hopeful that my sense of smell still exists and will re-emerge as soon as the sinus infection clears.

       1. AWWWWWWWWWWWW that BLOWS. It sounds like the steroids helped with the inflammation. Did you mention to your doc that you lost your sense of smell again?

          1. I called, but he is out of town, and I didn’t want to “come in and have an appointment with another doctor in our group” just to satisfy my curiosity. I have an appointment to see him in early July when I finish my antibiotics. I hope that the infection will be gone and my sense of smell will be back by then.

             I like your pun — it “blows” (like my nose). Ha ha.

    3. I’ve started tapering down to my maintenance dosage. I know shots don’t work for everyone, but they’ve been a godsend for me… that and Zyrtec!

14. Hi all, I’ve never commented here before but I read the site and your comments all the time. I am rising third year law student from New Mexico. I am interning for the fall semester in D.C. I am wondering if anyone works in D.C., or has, and can tell me what the style-climate is. Things are very laid back in New Mexico, and I don’t want to be under dressed (of course), but I somehow got the impression that D.C. is not quite as formal as NYC or other ease coast cities. I would be so grateful if anyone would share their thoughts on this!

    1. It depends on where you’re interning in DC (the old “know your office” advice). I can’t speak to working on the Hill or in an agency, but for DC law firms you will probably need to wear suits. I think DC’s reputation is not necessarily for being less formal than NYC but rather for being less fashionable. You can wear a grey/black/navy skirt or pants suit every day in DC and no one cares. You won’t need super fancy heels though; everyone wears flats or wedges for commuting, and you can change into heels at the office if all the other women are wearing them, or keep the flats if they’re not. (Again, know your office — my main advice is wear a suit and heels the first day and then re-assess based on what the other people are wearing).

    2. I agree with DC Law that it depends on your office. A lot of places in DC are business casual in the summer.

       Speaking as a Coloradan transplanted to DC, even the business casual will probably be more formal than what you would see in the West.

    3. If you’re working on the Hill, you’ll need a suit when they’re in session and then it’s a know-your-office when they’re not in session (some are casual, some are business casual, some are suits 24/7).

    4. Capitol Hill Style focuses mostly on dressing for Hill jobs, but it might give you an idea in general of how people dress in DC.

       1. Great advice, thanks all of you! I hope people don’t look at me sideways too much if I do dress at least marginally fashionably. DC Jenny, thanks for the heads-up on business casual, I say as I sit in my Santa Fe office in jeans and sperrys on Friday afternoon, haha.

    5. You will be perfectly fine bringing three suits, three cardigans, and four or five tops. You can mix or match and you won’t have to repeat an outfit more than once every two weeks. It is pretty typical for lawyers to wear suits every day to work, even if a suit isn’t required, so you won’t be overdressed in suits. Bring closed-toed shoes and a couple pairs of pantyhose (if you plan to wear skirts) that you can wear for the first few days until you’re sure it’s not required.

       It’s very hot in DC in the early fall. If you arrive in August, be prepared for 100 degree temps with humidity like you never imagined. Most DC offices are much more casual in hot weather than in cold, but you should still dress up for your first few days.

       1. Who knew there were so many New Mexico transplants in DC? I’m another one, but I work in a very casual non-law office so no real advice for the OP

          1. There are lots of everythingers in DC, its the very nature of DC. Its what makes it a wonderful, and sometimes painful, place to live.

    6. I don’t really have anything to add for fashion advice, other than it is indeed much more “formal” than what we southwesterners are used to, even in a “casual or business casual” office.

       I also did a semester in DC and it was one of the best decisions I made in law school. I was on the Hill, but even if you aren’t, DC is such a cool city. I wish I had made myself go out and explore more of the city than I did. I went in spring semester from Arizona, and the whole January DC weather really got to me. I literally only when to work and home until about March, when it wasn’t so cold and the days were longer. I wasn’t sure where things were, and coming from “car country,” I wasn’t comfortable wandering around lost in the dark. I would spend some time familiarizing yourself with the metro and where things are– the city is very walkable and navigable once you get the layout down. If you want more info or have questions, you can email me at anonaz28@yahoo.com. Good luck in the fall!

       1. Thanks so much AZ, that’s really nice of you!

15. Good afternoon, ladies. Would love some advice on buying a gift for a colleague who showed me the ropes when I was new and was the only person in the team to do so as everyone else usually claimed to be too busy. Back then, we had the same boss who forced me to call up this colleague on his wedding day(!) because he couldn’t find a document. I almost died from mortification when he introduced me to his wife as the colleague who had called him from the office on his wedding day. I’m still not over the guilt. I work at a different place now but I find that what I learnt from him is still relevant to my job. I want to give him a thank you gift – something that won’t embarass either of us if I give it to him at work. He is about 4 years older than me and the relationship is purely professional. Is it okay to go with a silk tie or cufflinks? Any other suggestions are most welcome.

    1. I think those are fairly personal gifts. How about a handwritten note on nice paper saying that you appreciated his mentoring you, it has served you well, you hope to be able to do the same for some youngin’ some day.

    2. I think a really nice thank-you note. Maybe wine if you feel like you must buy him something.

       I wouldn’t do a tie or cufflinks. Those things seem too girlfriend-like to me.

       1. I’d go with a nice bottle of wine or scotch.

    3. I would feel awkward giving any clothing-related gift to a colleague so I’d say no on tie/cufflinks.

       Maybe a really nice leather bound book that relates to your work, or an antique painting/photo of an old courthouse/city hall in your city? Or scotch/wine? Engaved silver paperweight/pencil holder with a short inscription (maybe you can find a natuical-themed something that has rope on it, so it can be kind of a clever pun to have it engaraved, “thanks for showing me the ropes”…or maybe that’s too cheesy)? I think the idea is to give something he can keep around his office to be reminded that he mentored someone (which he should feel good about).

    4. I don’t think a tie and cufflinks are appropriate. I’d give something for the office – a business card holder or any other decorative item.
       In fact, somehow your question prompted me to look at despair dot com offerings… but that’s certainly not for everyone.

    5. Hm, a tie or cufflinks seems a little personal to me. Usually in ‘thank you’ situations, I enjoy giving a nicer food item because it shows a nice way to say ‘thank you’ without seeming like bribery/an over the top gesture. For example, when I met the person who helped me to get my current job, I brought a nice card, along with a box of Godiva chocolate. I spent time writing the note and thanking the person for his help, but I didn’t want the gift to seem too over the top or awkward. I think this situation here would be perfect for something similar. Write an appreciative card and bring a bottle of nice wine or champagne. Perrier Joet comes in a beautiful bottle, sometimes with matching glasses. Other types of alcohol/liquer come in nice gift sets too. You could add a box of chocolates or gourmet cookies to the mix too if you liked.

       Also, might I suggest not giving the gift randomly? Like, perhaps maybe wait until there is an occasion such as his birthday, anniversary, firm milestone (he wins a case or meets a year milestone), or something as such? I feel no matter what you gave, it would be a bit strange to offer it on a random day. That way, you could be like, oh hey happy birthday, but I also wanted you to have this because XYZ.

    6. I’d go with a thank you note plus some type of food or drink (think: Harry and David basket, chocolate, bottle of wine).

    7. An Edible Arrangements or other food gift on his anniversary? Hopefully now you can joke about having to call him on his wedding day…

       1. Love the anniversary tie-in.

          I’d go with food/drink, too. Cufflinks are definitely too intimate, picturing myself as his wife. I think wine would be appropriately celebratory for his anniversary.

    8. Nice pen, nice business card holder, or bottle of nice liquor are better gifts than a tie or cufflinks. As others have said, the latter are pretty personal.

    9. As a thank you to a former boss, I wrote a thank you note and bought a gift certificate to a nice restaurant. On the gift certificate, I wrote To: Boss and Mrs. Boss so it was clear it was intended for Boss and his wife to go to dinner. He (and his wife) loved it.

    10. Thanks, everyone! This is very helpful – I will keep all the suggestions and advice in mind for the future. Right now, I’m thinking I’ll play it safe and give him something useful like a business card holder.

16. This may be an odd question, but is there any way to boost my cell reception at my house (or otherwise work around the problem)? I’ve never had a problem with my phone coverage at all, until I moved to my new house, where it is almost unuseable. And my cell is my primary phone. Oddly, my husband, who has an I-phone (I have a Galaxy S on Sprint) has had terrible coverage everywhere, including our last 2 homes, but has no problems at all at our new house.

    1. Yes, the Airave. Sprint may even set you up for free depending on the circumstances.

    2. It depends on your carrier. My house is in between 3 AT&T towers but we get awful reception in the house. Called AT&T to complain about it and after speaking to a supervisor, they sent us a cell for our house for free (though they did try to charge $200 for it first). So I would call your carrier to see if the problem is with the phone or the tower distance.

    3. If you have a spot in your house that you can use your phone, you can buy cordless phones that connect in some way to your cell, so you use your cell but don’t have to be tied to the tiny spot where you have reception. My brother had this, not sure where he got it–maybe Costco.

       1. I’ve seen it at BJs and Amazon. Something like this:

          http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0073W729K/ref=asc_df_B0073W729K2065600?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=asn&creative=395093&creativeASIN=B0073W729K&hvpos=1o1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1220324111953786784&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=

    4. I had this same issue on Verizon and I got a Verizon signal booster. It was expensive (maybe $150) but it works. I think these work where the area generally has service, but your house is a “dead zone.” You might see if Sprint has something similar.

       1. I should add that it works by plugging into a wireless router, I think.

17. Dear Sephora,

    When you decide that your “cast members” should push a certain product, no matter what the customer asked for, then you might want to consider hiding the paper that gives you helpful hints on selling that product.

    Love,
    Former customer

    1. *snort*

    2. Or the Sephora associate who “explained” the product to me by reading the description on the box (and stuttering through the science-y words)? She was very helpful, just not very knowledgeable.

       1. This is why I don’t rely on Sephora salespeople, or even let them do my makeup – I find at least 50% have no idea what they are doing.

          1. I think you might be missing out on the doing your makeup part,at the one I go to (downtown SF) a lot of their sales people are makeup artists w/ their own businesses (to yesterday’s pet peeves, I too am a chatter-uper of strangers). I love popping in there for a quick makeup application on my way out after a tired day at work.

       2. I literally went in to ask them which type of eye cream I should get. Lady walks me over to their “mixed brands” section. Spends three minutes raving about a certain Philosophy one and then maybe a minute more on a Clinique one. I ask her, “so what ingredients make this and this so special? are there others that have that too?” She looks at me like I have three heads and am a smarty-pants/troublemaker, and exasperated says, “I don’t know. I just know a lot of people really like these two eye creams a lot.” Ummm…yeah. So I asked her for free samples of each and left.

          1. I really think it depends on the Sephora. Mine has this awesome lady who has really given me great direction for moisturizers and eye creams. I told her what I wanted and she showed me 5 different types, gave me samples for each and told me to go home and try them for a few weeks. She was great and I send all of my friends to her.

    3. Yes! I love Sephora’s selection but I always feel hunted when I go in there. A few months ago I was shopping for a specific product for my sister in the L’Occitane section, and this salesperson would not stop coming over to me to ask if I wanted to try various Philosophy products instead. It made it so impossible to shop that I had to leave. Ridiculous.

18. Ladies, all I want to talk about is the “Why Women Still Can’t Have it all” article (link in Kat’s weekly news roundup).

    Can we talk more about it? Do people agree? Have people made sarafices? Would people do things differently if they had the opportunity?

    1. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/#.T-Ki7zUVoOk.facebook

       1. See yesterday’s full discussion of this in the morning post.

    2. Terry Gross interviewed the author on Fresh Air yesterday. I think she asked some thoughful questions and challenged the author on the points that are not-so-PC and/or subject to misinterpretation. You might enjoy listening to that.

    3. i just read the article and skimmed the comments from yesterday. Im not wild about the article, though quite frankly, am not really sure i get her point.

       I do believe women can have it all, but I also beleive that everyone’s definition of “all” is going to be different. Of course compromise and sacrafice is invovled, but i believe that is just part of life. I have two kids and am a senior assoicate at a big law firm. I suspect I will stay at this firm for some time, though i do fantisize now and then about never working again. But I like what i do. I’m happy. i like (often love) the work i do. I always love my kids and my husband. my husband also works at a big law firm, but he more than pulls his weight with housework and childcare. we generally enjoy life as a family. This to me, is having it all.

       and in my mind, this is also in line with the feminist movement (though that was never a particular goal of mine) — that is, having the freedom and options and ability to make choices. My fantisies about not working are great becuase i could fulfill them if i wanted. right now i dont want to, but someday i might. this, to me, is having it all.

    4. I haven’t read the article but I listened to the Terry Gross interview. I found it pretty frustrating: I don’t think Anne-Marie Slaughter’s experience as an extremely high-level policymaker in DC is generalizable to working women at large, even women with high-powered jobs. When you take the kind of government job she did, you darn well better be putting it first, and if that means familial sacrifice, so be it. There’s a reason why people – men or women – don’t usually stay in those positions for very long.

       Frankly, it sounds to me like she was bizarrely naive going in to her new position. Did she really think that she was going to be a top-level State Department decisionmaker and still make it to all of her kids’ soccer games? That’s crazy talk.

       1. Yup. This.

       2. I listened to the same interview. And I kept thinking, “Didn’t she watch The West Wing? You know, the episode where Leo got divorced because he was never home with his wife?”

          I think there’s a valuable discussion to be had about “having it all” what that means, and whether it’s possible for men or women in our society. I definitely agree, however, that she isn’t the one to be leading the charge.

          1. I just heard another interview with her (on Marketplace, with my radio boyfriend Kai Ryssdal, SIGH), during which I realized that she didn’t quit her DC job. She just didn’t try to extend it. So it’s not even like she failed; she did exactly what she planned to do and it was just harder than she expected.

             1. Whaaaa? I thought Kai Ryssdal was MY radio boyfriend!

             2. Back off, ladies, he’s mine!

19. Question on how much raise to ask for: I currently oversee one FT hourly person. In a few months, I will be hiring and supervising one additional PT, 30 hour per week person. Because of this new responsibility, I think I should ask for a raise. Hoever, I’m not sure how much to ask for and when to ask. I’ve never requested a raise before, but this site has taught me it’s important to to do so. How much should I ask for? 2-3k? 2-3%? I have a great relationship with my boss btw. I appreciate any feedback you have.

    Two possible complicating factors:
    1. Because financial results won’t be in until fall, decisions on raises organization-wide are being postponed until September. Would it be better to ask for a raise then?
    2. It’s very possible that my only other colleague w/the same title will be leaving the organization to take another job (our boss does not know yet). I would be extremely busy in the interim while we recruited for her replacement. Should I wait until this occurs to ask for a raise or no?

    1. I supervise several FT staff; their number fluctuates and no one adjusts my salary based on this. I also have significant non-supervisory workload. If supervisory duties take up a large % of your time, you may be justified in asking for a raise. Just be prepared that you may be denied.
       Regarding the timing, if the salary actions will be decided in September, make you request now so it can go through the approval steps. If your colleague is about to give notice, you may want to wait until she does, but tread carefully because your boss may think that you are considering leaving too!

    2. Responding because I like your name.

       Binary solo: 00000001011

    3. Can’t say anything about the right sum to ask for but it does occur to me that you may have a very natural opening to discuss workload and then segue into a request for a raise, if your colleague does leave and your boss calls you in to figure out how to cover for her.

       Also be aware that some current thinking on HR management is that the ideal ‘span of control’ for a supervisor is 6 – 10 supervisees, with the idea that this promotes a flatter and more efficient corporate structure. In practice some specialist roles may require a dedicated assistant/ alternate, but a person won’t get compensated for supervising their own assistant.

    4. Not sure I agree with the premise that more one more person = raise, but I did want to raise a negotiation point.

       Never give a range in a salary negotiation. The other side will naturally fixate on the low/better end for them, while you are fixating on the high end. Start with a number higher than what you really want (likely the middle of your “mental range”) and let them talk you down. Don’t sell yourself short by giving them a range initially. (#tricks learned in b-school that work in the real world!)

       1. Thanks for the feedback, all. All of you raised good points.

20. Advice on good slips, particularly for summer? I had a kind stranger stop me on my walk to work the other day to tell me my slip was showing — so I think I need something a bit shorter, and I’d really like something that is cotton or a cotton blend (DC heat & humidity). Also, I’ve always worn half slips but perhaps full slips stay in place better? Advice appreciated.

    1. I just got a full-length slip from Loehmann’s. The brand is F.I.T. (I cannot remember what that stands for, sorry). I have only worn a half slip before, and this was so much better–no worrying about if the waistband shows through, no having to figure out how to wear a camisole with it. The fabric of this new slip is great, too–really slippery against the top layer of clothes. I wore it with a jersey wrap dress, and it helped the dress stay in place when I walked.

    2. I like Mary Green. Their slips are silk knit and very thin. I wear their items as underpinnings all the time, and they worked great in DC when I was there.

    3. Gap body makes the greatest slips known to womankind. They’re so awesome. I love the full ones, but there are half ones too.

       http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=820135002

       1. Thanks for the recommendations! I’m grabbing a Gap one now (can order online) and keeping the others in mind for future purchased. Much appreciated!

21. Hello Hive! I thought it would be fun to trade tips on dealing with this ridiculous hot weather. I’ve recently relocated to the Mid Atlantic area and the heat and humidity are new to me. My office is very formal (suits every day, wear the jacket to all meetings, etc). I’m not doing so well – I’m sweating a ton before I get to work, and the humidity does strange things to my hair. My eye make up pools under my face most days. Any tips?

    I’ll go first – I started lining the armpit of my suit jackets with little cloth pads from CVS. I’m hoping this helps with the perspiration a little bit.

    1. Well, my office isn’t nearly as formal as yours but we certainly have heat and humidity! There are three things I’ve had to deal with:

       Hair – try the Garnier Fructis anti-humidity hair spray. Lots of people have mentioned this. It works.

       Eye makeup – I realized one summer that my eyeliner (pencil) was melting under my eyes and making me look tired. I tried switching to a gel eyeliner but my eyes reacted badly to it. I use either Prescriptives Deluxe Eye Pencil or Almay kohl eyeliner and neither tends to melt.

       Makeup: I use tinted moisturizer with a light powder to set it. Anything heavier ends up melting and looking like a mask.

    2. I wear nice walking clothes (loose pants, breathable shirt) and then change into formal workwear when I get to the office. That’s the only solution I’ve found that actually works. Many others do this as well. That way, if you have to walk to/from work or the Metro you don’t worry about how much you’re sweating! As for the hair, come up with a good updo and use it everyday …

       1. I don’t completely change, but I generally wear pants or a skirt with a lightweight, sleeveless shirt for the commute, and carry a jacket or cardigan to put on in my air conditioned office. You might also consider leaving some jackets and cardigans in the office so you don’t have to carry them back and forth. An updo is also a good idea, or else just wear your hair in a pony tail for the commute, and brush it out when you get to work.

          1. That sounds like the best solution to me. If your office has showers for bikers and you can plan to use them, that’s fine. But total changing has always seemed like way too much hassle to me. And keeping a few third-layer type of options at work, if you can do so discreetly, will spare you a lot of schlepping in the summer.

    3. Body Glide and cornstarch-based body powder in all my jiggly bits, an SPF jacket and hat, and taking the bus instead of walking whenever possible. Also, if your makeup melts, bring face wipes (I like the Say Yes to Cucumbers ones) and wipe your face down at work and then apply your makeup. If I had to wear suits, I’d probably drop a week’s worth of clothes off at the office on Sunday and then change when I get to the office every morning.

    4. I agree with what people have said.

       1) Wear a set of commuting/gym clothes and change at work. At my office, lots of people went to the gym before or after work so this wasn’t weird to see people coming into the compound in such attire. Similarly, if your MU routine is light, put it all on at work. You probably would just have to get there 15 minutes or so sooner than you would otherwise. When I changed at work, I just went straight into the first bathroom with all my things, then headed to my desk after I was done and fixed up.

       2) You haven’t said how you get to work. If you walk, could you try to take the bus? Carpool with somebody? If walking to work is your only way, I definitely would wear a separate set of clothes.

       3) Experiment with hair products, especially alcohol based spray. It will give the best hold. On that note, you can keep a mini flat iron at your desk to touch up when you get to work or if you have important meetings.

       4) Keep a fan at your desk maybe? Or perhaps a spare, tissue weight/cotton cardigan for if you get too warm for a jacket while you’re just sitting and working but still want to cover up? If you have to wear stockings each day, maybe try thigh highs instead of full hose?

    5. When I lived in NYC, I never walked too close to the cars when I crossed the street because the heat radiating from the hoods was too much.

       When you walk past a deli, scoop up a piece of ice and hold it on your wrist.

       Know which stores on your route have good AC and duck in when it is just too much.

       I just learned the the best anti-humidity product ever was discontinued only in the US and is still available from John Frieda in Canada. John Frieda Weatherproofing Style Sealant Creme. Their customer service emailed me yesterday: “The product you have contacted us about has been discontinued in the US, such as you have noticed, however, you may order it on line at http://www.well.ca.com or call 866-640-3800. ” I use that and then set with either Elnett or Alterna Bamboo Anti-Humidity hair spray.

    6. I’ve never heard of these liners but they sound like the best solution ever to the fact that 99% of all things I want to wear under suits are sleeveless. (I never take my blazer off at work, so that’s not an issue).

       What brand/type have you had good experiences with ?

       1. Pantyliners work!

       2. Thank you everyone for your suggestions! D- so far I have only used the Hollywood fashion ones. They’re all right, but I think I may order ones from Garment Guard next (on Amazon). I’d be afraid of having a panty liner fly out of my suit sleeve randomly.

    7. There’s an article on this in the WSJ this week.

       My tips are: don’t wear your jacket on your commute. Either leave your blazers in the office or carry the blazer with you. Same with shoes (though I recommend just leaving, not carrying). In fact, some people (my SO, inc.) just wear regular clothes and change at work. I don’t like walking into work in my “regular” clothes so, I can understand the reluctance. I just leave my jackets in the office. If you wear hose, put those on at work, too.

       Also, on really hot days, try to get to work early. Even an hour can make a difference in terms of temperature and commute (it’s cooler on an emptier train than it is standing shoulder to shoulder with everyone).

       Last but not least, consider your suiting materials. Synthetics will be hotter to wear than natural fabrics. Look for seasonal fabrics. Wear light colors. Don’t wear anything that’s too tight. One of my all time best things for a hot day is a 100% wool a-line shift: because it’s made for summer, it’s comfortable and breathes great.

    8. Old spice sweat something. I use the fresh sport. Dries clear. Can still get dampness but no smell.

       Joico firm joimist. Great in humidity, brushable, no visible buildup.

       Just like winter, layer. Keep the jacket off until the last possible second. Or wear dresses/ skirts.

22. WHite House Black Market is having a dress sale (on-line only, I think). Up to 60% off/prices starting at $49.99!

    http://tinyurl.com/7a9f3jv

23. Happy Friday!

    I wanted some advice, I work for an attorney in a large city in Texas doing work that I absolutely hate. He/she asked me to stay on for the Fall. There must have been a miscommunication because when I interviewed I definitely thought it was only for the summer. What is the best way to not burn the bridge, but not kill myself (and my already mediocre) grades by doing work that’s not feasible during my fall semester? Is it appropriate to tell him/her now that I will have to stop working in about a month, or just put in a traditional two-week notice?

    Also, on a totally unrelated matter, I am under 25, as I mentioned before, a rising 2L, and I have about $200 saved up and would like to begin investing. I know NOTHING about investing, stocks, bonds, anything financial really, except that it’s important. So please excuse my ignorance! Does anyone have suggestions on where to smartly put this money to good use? (As an aside, I can put more towards the pot)

    Hope someone reads, thanks!

    1. It’s totally reasonable and appropriate for you to tell them that you can’t work there during the fall semester. Maybe you want to find a different internship to diversify your experiences, maybe you want to focus on your grades and OCI, maybe do a clinic, etc. You should (unless your boss is totally crazy or something) be able to politely decline their offer to extend your internship without burning any bridges. If your boss is totally crazy, maybe it’s not so important that you not burn that bridge?
       After you politely decline the offer to stay on for the fall, say something like “I want to confirm that the end date of my internship will be August X. I can’t believe it’s gone by so fast!” etc. If you treat it like an internship you’ll (hopefully) remind them that it is, in fact, an internship and not a full time job.

    2. Haha, I read that last line as “I can put more towards pot,” as in rather than invest, just buy weed. Barbri is killing my brain cells.

       I stayed on with my summer firm for my 3L year. It was quite difficult to balance the additional work with my classes and publication. My grades were good before, but dropped (though not terribly) both semesters of 3L year. I think I learned more useful things about the practice of law by putting that time toward firm work rather than academic assignments, but its tough with the law firm focus on grades for hiring. I don’t think the firm looked at it like I had any obligation to stay on, but made the offer because I did good work and they needed the help. You definitely should be able to decline and anyone who has been in law school should understand that working during law school isn’t for everyone.

    3. Agree with everything DC Law said WRT ending the internship.
       Regarding the $200, honestly, that really doesn’t seem like enough money to do any serious investing and I wouldn’t bother. Assuming you’re a broke-@$$ law student like I was, I’d say you’re probably better off letting it stay in a savings account and hold on to it as a sort of emergency fund. Before you start to do any serious saving/investing, you need to make sure you have some money set aside for emergencies. Dave Ramsey usually recommends $1,000 as a “starter” emergency fund, but $200 is better than nothing.

    4. $200 is best kept uninvested in a checking account. If you want to earn a couple dollars on it per year, you can seek out a high yield checking account, but if you have to pay ATM fees, that will eat your entire return so I’d stick with free checking from a bank with ATMs in your area (or at least one that refunds any fees).

       While now is not a great time for you to start to invest, it would be a good time for you to learn some of the basics so you know more once you’ve grown your pot. Bogleheads forums can give you some basic investing philosophies, and you can read other intro money books (Suze Orman’s comes to mind… ).

       More out of curiosity than anything, is this an unpaid internship you’re doing?

       1. Thank you everyone for all of your advice!! I’ll hold onto my pennies and let the pile grow a little bit :)

          Daisy, no, it’s not unpaid, but I would really rather not risk my grades dropping as I am not in the position to allow that to happen at all

          1. I actually think you could pick one stock and put it in a DRIP (that’s dividend reinvestment, so that as you get divs, you automatically purchase one more share, once they add up to the amount of one share). Search the web for DRIP, direct investment stock or similar and you will find a lot of blue chip (“big name”) companies still do this, and it’s a great way to get your investing going if you don’t have enough cash to diversify. It’s also a great way to follow one stock and it’s progress. No, I don’t think you should ivest all of your money this way forever…but it’s a great way to dip your toe into the water of the stock market and follow one company and your itty bitty start at a nest egg. Good on you for considering saving!

          2. Actually to me the key point here is that you absolutely hate the work. Apart form any other legitimate considerations of pay or student load, if you hate the work, get out now! You certainly shouldn’t say you hate it, as this is after all what they spend their life doing :-). And you can consider it a successful internship, if it’s keeping you from taking on a similar job for real. But don’t stay anywhere you hate, ever, life’s too short..

24. I am hopeless at white clothing! I have a white linen pointelle knit linen and cotton cardigan. The washing directions say handwash, lay flat to dry. It’s looking a little yellowed. Any thoughts? I think I’ve washed it in the Palmolive Oxy dish soap, hoping that the Oxy part of it would help.

    1. Add borox to the wash. Line drying in the sun will help, too.

       1. Add borox to hand wash? Sorry – I just have no experience with that. I don’t have a line to dry outside so that’s not an option.

          1. Oops, I missed the handwash part. I’ve never tried borox on a handwash item.

             You can still lay out the item on a towel in the sun.

    2. Get some Oxyclean, either powder or liquid. Mix it with warm water in your bathtub (or a big sink) and let your sweater soak for a few hours. Rinse it and then put in the the washing machine on delicate, just to make sure it is really rinsed ( you do not need to add any detergent). Lay it on a big clean towel until it is dry. I do this one or twice a year with a white sweater and white denim jacket.

       1. Oooh good idea. I usually do handwashing in a giant bowl in my kitchen sink so I think that’ll still work. I think I threw out the last of my Oxyclean but will add it to my list for next week. I’ve been hesitant to put it in the washer, but I think it needs it. Thanks!

25. Bit of a random thread jack (but it’s a weekend open thread, so no shame!) but can anyone comment on the tipping policy for laser hair removal? Courtesy of a Groupon, I just booked my first session for tomorrow. It’s taking place at a spa that specializes in LHR and I’m befuddled–is it like getting my hair cut, where I’d tip 20% or so, or like going to the dermatologist, where I wouldn’t tipped. I suspect the former, but all the sci if laser technology is throwing me off–I normally think of tipping for luxurious spa-like activities like haircuts and massages and nails, not for, like, serious boring procedures tattoo removal or whatever. Can anyone with any experience comment?
    And I do know enough to tip off of the original 80 dollar price and not the 16 dollar Groupon price!

    1. I think someone just asked this and the results were very mixed. I would be prepared to tip and ask the receptionist at check-in. Please post back when you’re done – I’m very curious. I keep seeing these specials and contemplating trying it out myself. I could do three sessions wherever it’s cheap and then transition to my regular salon/spa for the remaining sessions, since they offer similar deals on occasion.

    2. I’ve had it done at a spa and also at a dermatologist’s office. At the spa, I asked and they said $10-20 a session was average, Groupon or not (I had a Groupon), but that it varied completely. At the dermatologist they looked at me like I had grown another head and said tipping was not appropriate. Do with that what you will.

    3. I got a groupon for laser hair removal, and for each session, I tip $10 or so (about 10-15% of the original price per session…my groupon was for a year so I’m getting more than one section done). It may seem low, but if you’re getting something like your underarms done, your appointment will take 10 mins.

    4. I treat it like a dermatology appointment. It is at my derm’s office, which might be part of the reason. It is done by the same nurse I see regularly. I thought about tipping after I went the first time, but when I polled friends and family that had done it, none of them tipped. I think it didn’t even occur to me to tip because it is at my derm’s office and it feels like a medical procedure (not in that it hurts or anything like that) but because you get in a paper gown. I don’t know if it would be any different at a spa, but I still don’t think I would tip. If I were getting a facial and lhr, I would tip for the facial or for that esthetician.

    5. Yeah generally I think if it’s a “clinic” environment (even if there is no doctor or anything), I wouldn’t tip. At a spa, I’d ask.

    6. Love your name, LLLJ! I’m inspired to re-read all my Little House books again!

    7. I started getting laser hair removal with a deal like that and I have never tipped. However, I did not stop going once the deal was used up and I have been consistently seeing the same person for over a year now. I will say that I did get her a nice gift card for Christmas; she was genuinely surprised to receive it, which makes me think that they don’t get tipped. I would actually feel awkward trying to tip her based on the vibes that I get when I show up.

       It’s also hard to describe the place I go to tho… A physician runs a medical clinic under one name and a spa under another, but they use the same facility… If I were in your position, I would just play it by ear and feel it out.

26. In the vein of the “My life doesn’t suck because…” threads, today (i) I had to bring a small grill covered with ash and some burned food gunk to work with me and then carry it to a friend’s porch (I borrowed it), (ii) I ate tomato soup for lunch, (iii) I am wearing a white sheath dress, and (iv) the dress is STILL CLEAN! I feel like Superwoman!

    If anyone is interested, it’s thatJ.Crew white back bow dress that has been on sale this week. I got itWednesday in-store for $56. I like it a lot, but because the back has such a big v, and also a bow, I’m keeping my cardigan on at work no matter what. Fortunately, my office is freezing so that’s not a problem.

    1. Impressed.

27. Any advice on work-appropriate maternity clothes? I’ve shopped and have been given many items but I’m still lacking on things that are business casual and suit-appropriate. I’ve managed to find a decent pair of pants and skirt to wear with suit jackets. But I’ve realized how many pinstripe suits I own and feel funny pairing a striped jacket with plain black pants or a skirt. Is that okay? I’d prefer not to purchase any new suiting. Thankfully, I really only need to be in a full suit once a week or so. Also, I’m having problems with shirts. While I’m assuming fit will change as I get larger (I’m almost 27 weeks), they all seem very long, large, and generally unflattering. So far, my favorit shirts are non-maternity that are a bit more flowing. It just seems like all maternity clothing is casual/weekend wear.

    Also, any advice on shoes? So far, I’ve been determined to keep wearing heels. But I’ve realized that isn’t going to happen. As soon as I took off my low wedges last night, my feet, ankles, and calves blew up.

    Thanks!

    1. I’m also at 27 weeks, and also an attorney, in DC. I broke down and bought the Isabella Oliver everyday maternity blazer, and I love it. All of the other blazers at Pea in the Pod, Destination Maternity, Motherhood Maternity, Gap, and Old Navy are cut so that they’d look great when you’re 9 months pregnant, but sloppy before that. I’m also obsessed with my Isabella Oliver wrap shirt—they’re expensive, I bought mine consignment. Isabella Oliver in general has great work-appropriate basics.

       As for shirts, I’ve found some good ones at Motherhood Maternity (though most of their stuff is tacky, IMHO), and Pea in the Pod. I just stalk the sales. I put in a big order at Old Navy, hoping that some of their shirts would be work appropriate, but they’re not, and the fit is terrible. I’ve really only begun to need maternity shirts in the past week—before that, I was fine in flowy shirts. I’ve also bought a bunch of maternity dresses that might not be 100% work appropriate (cotton, maybe too casual) but are perfectly 27-weeks-pregnant-and-working appropriate. A lot of the work clothes I’ve found have been at a consignment shop in Alexandria (Babies & Bellies)—are you in the DC area??—and are by Pea in the Pod, Olian, or Isabella Oliver. If you’re not in DC, maybe there’s a maternity consignment shop near you.

       1. Thanks. Unfortunately, consignment shops in Houston seemed to focus on kids clothing rather than ,aternity. I just ordered a few shirts and more dresses from pea in the pod. Like.y, I will pick up the Nordstrom cardigan. My office is so chilly it will definitely work.

    2. have you looked at minefornine dot com?

       1. I hear you — I get the sense that designers of maternity clothes haven’t accepted that pregnant women have actual jobs that require them to dress as professionals! Everything is so cutesy with bows and ribbons. Bleech. I wore my regular suit jackets and blazers for as long as I could, but rather than invest in maternity jackets, I bought a few of these (NON-MATERNITY!!!) cardigans from Nordstroms in different colors, which I wear with a maternity tank underneath:

          http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/mod-lusive-ruched-sleeve-long-cardigan-nordstrom-exclusive/3275036?origin=keywordsearch&fashionColor=Emerald+Coast&resultback=74

          While not a jacket or blazer, I feel put together and professional enough for client meetings. Plus I can still wear them after the baby is born and not feel like I’m still in maternity clothes :)

    3. Can you wear your regular suit jackets unbottoned? If not, I bought several maternity items on ebay. I’m an attorney also but work in a business casual office and couldn’t bring myself to pay that much for low quality maternity brands. (Someone really needs to create a high quality, low price maternity line. You would make millions!) You may want to check consignment shops in your area as well. As far as shoes, you might have to break down and wear flats. I never wore flats to work before my pregnancy (I have a 9 month old) but last summer was so hot that I just wore any flats that I had and that were comfortable. I know it sounds crazy, but pregnant women really do get a pass.

28. Advice for a regular reader, somewhat frequent poster, please

    I moved to a new city about a year ago, and I need to get a workout routine in place, and so far I have limited myself to running on the treadmill at the gym, but I could really use some strength training, or at least some variety. I have some social anxiety issues, and I haven’t made any friends here, and I would probably benefit from a class setting (I tend to be a loner), but I can’t bring myself to join. I know its ridiculous. I have a therapist, on meds, etc. I would appreciate suggestions from the hive as to what to incorporate into my workout routine, and maybe some encouragement. Thanks!

    1. For me, strength training is a fairly solitary endeavor. In fact, if it’s too social, I find myself taking too much time and not keeping up my heart rate. I initially went with a friend who is a trainer but now I just listen to music on my phone and most of the people in the weight room have earbuds. The only thing you’ll need to do is potentially work with a trainer or professional for a time or two just so they can show you proper technique with the machines. I think you’d really like it!

    2. Your gym may have BodyPump classes if you’re looking for strength training, which is a good way to introduce yourself to weight work.

       Can you afford a personal trainer? It’s their job to help you achieve your goals – and it’s also (usually) their job to encourage you along the way. Your personal trainer probably won’t become your friend (though, actually, I’ve never hired a trainer… maybe that does happen?) but it might add a little social interaction to your gym time and boost your confidence.

       Finally, if you like running, check to see whether there are any running clubs through your gym or in your city. People tend to be friendly in that setting.

    3. Try a class you think you’ll like. What helps me follow through with things I’m a little scared of is to rsvp (if it’s an event) or sign up for the class ahead of time. My uber-conscientious, type A self won’t allow me to bail after I’ve already agreed to go, and then once I’m there I end up having an awesome time. It’ll boost your confidence and help you realize it’s not that scary. Go have fun! Do it! You probably won’t even have to interact much with others if you don’t want to, but being around other people in a class setting can still help you feel like you are a part of something.

    4. Does your gym have a personal training program? I don’t know the details of your social anxiety, and whether you do better in one-on-one situations, so it may or may not work for you. I really love the personal training program at my gym. I meet with her ever week or two and she gives me a new workout and a couple variations of it to do until I see her again. Find one that really focuses on strength training if that’s what you’re interested in, mine is like that and I feel way stronger than I did when I started just a couple of months ago. I also like going much more, because running on a treadmill, which I was doing before, is pretty boring to me.

       For what it’s worth, I’m a reasonably social person and I often go to classes at the gym and although I recognize the other people who frequent the classes, I haven’t made friends with any of them. If you decide not to go with a class, don’t beat yourself up over it thinking you missed an opportunity to make friends, I don’t really think it’s great for that. Since you are anxious, it’s not like you’d be chatting much with the other people or inviting them to go grab a drink after the workout anyway. Maybe you make friends better in other situations, I certainly do.

       1. Yeah, I’m more concerned about building the courage to just do something active in a group of people. I also need probably work on making friends. I’m an excellent friend once I have them! But making new friends is hard. That probably requires a whole new thread. :(

          1. There are other existing threads about making new friends.
             But the gym seems totally inappropriate to me – all you’re likely to do if you get distracted during weight training is get injured.

    5. My gym offers both personal trainers (about $50 for an hour, but you have to buy a package of sessions) and small group training (essentially 6-8 people with common fitness goals sharing a trainer at a lower cost than a personal trainer). I think most gyms offer something similar. Would those be options that would not make you so anxious? You could also consider joining a personal training gym, so all your workouts would be one-on-one with a trainer.

    6. Try P90X at home. Once you know the moves, you can take the workout sheets to the gym and do it there with more equipment.

    7. If you can find a good bellydancing instructor, trying bellydancing classes. Seriously, they changed my life. I’m socially awkward and have had anxiety issues for as long and I can remember, and bellydancing was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I made friends with amazing women, had tons of fun, got into fantastic shape, and even developed the ladyb*lls to start performing – an accomplishment that I am insanely proud of, and an experience I now draw on every time something freaks me out in my professional life. The key is finding an instructor who creates a good, supporting environment in her studio, though – I know not everyone has had the positive experience I did.

       Martial arts classes might also be good – my dojo was mostly old dudes and kids, but the women I did meet there were very cool, and there’s no faster way to bond with people than by sparring them every week.

    8. If you moved to Boston, I’ll be your friend. I also have social anxiety.

       1. aww thanks, Bunkster! But I just moved FROM Boston! :(

    9. I’ll plug martial arts classes as another possible idea. The physical work-outs I’ve done vary hugely, from almost interval-training type exercises, to a lot of body-weight resistance work (which is effective if you do it properly and challenge yourself), to pair and group work where the other person is your resistance. It’s varied enough that your body never gets used to everything. Unusually, the same movements actually get harder as you get better because you’re learning to use your whole body versus just your arm or whatever. I love watching the beginners at my club train because they can never understand why all the black belts are panting and sweating after what the beginner perceives as an easy punching drill.

       The mental and social aspects of martial arts are also different from other sports I’ve done, in that the assumption is 1) you will never be perfect, ever and 2) you can always, always improve. It’s a sharp learning curve as a beginner, especially with some of the etiquette and the concept that someone is trying to hit you, but you get used to it. (FYI, if you’re concerned about the violence part, don’t be… anyone who has trained enough to actually hurt you should also have enough control of themselves so they don’t.) I like that it gives you the best parts of both team sports and individual sports — you get socialisation and support, but there is no pressure to compete against other people unless you want it.

       Doing martial arts has made me a much more confident person, in part because it allows me to surround myself with similar role models, and learn from them. My favourite instructor pretty much single-handedly inspired me to join my club because of his calm presence, and over the years has become a mentor to me. He once told me he suffers from extreme social anxiety, but has learned to manage it. It’s such a positive thing to get involved with, I can’t stress it enough, you will feel amazing about yourself if you get into it.

       I do Shotokan karate, but check out anything available in your area and, if you have choices, go with whichever instructor makes you most comfortable.

       Good luck!

29. Many gyms have classes called something like Total Body Conditioning or Sculpt that use weights and follow a circuit routine. They are great for strength conditioning. If you start to go to these classes, you will inevitably meet people and learn about their workouts. I was very self conscious when I first got back into the gym but before long I got into the swing of it. I also met some great people and started taking new classes I never would have dared to try on their recommendation. For example, I now just love the rowing class that one of my gym friends urged me to try. I was too intimidated before that, but shouldn’t have been.

    Keep mixing it up and try new classes that your gym offers — Barre, kickboxing, spinning, boot camp…. Some will work out for you and others won’t but you won’t know until you try them out. Have fun!

    1. I’m guessing this post was for me :)

       Thanks so much! I see all these classes being offered, but I still feel somewhat debilitated going in to that first class. I have a hard time interacting with people in environments where I can’t hide behind my career. I can go to professional mixers an talk about law all day, but ask me to join a new group of people to do something I don’t know how to do, and I completely freeze up in terror. This has been a life long struggle, and I really appreciate the support.

       1. “me” being socially awkward, above. :)

       2. Hmm. I don’t know if this will help you or not, but you really don’t have to talk to the people in your group exercise classes. Most of them are there to get their workout and go home. The advantage of this is that they are not particularly paying attention to you and will not notice that you are new, still learning, doing it wrong, etc. I’m pretty sure no one in my Zumba class knows my name, much less what I do for a living.

          You might look into small group personal training, if it’s available to you. The instructor would likely be able to provide more individualized attention (which can be nice… recently the coach of my running group was running next to me to keep my pace up and encouraging me all the way. Maybe something like that would be good for you, too?)

          1. I agree that no one cares or will even notice how well you are doing or if you can do it at all. You have to concentrate hard enough on the instructor and yourself to keep up. Also, new folks rotate in and out all the time. If you don’t want to talk, you certainly don’t have to and no one will notice at all. Get in, pick a spot in a corner, but where you can still see the teacher, and just do the class and leave.

             Please don’t worry about how you do — honestly you see every level of fitness and coordination and all are welcome. The first time I took kickboxing, when I was starting my weight loss program and very out of shape, I got dizzy and had to quit halfway and that was totally fine. I went back the next time and got better over time until I was able to really kick it up. Give yourself time to gorw comfortable and acclimated. Do stretches while you wait for the class to start so you don’t feel awkward. Everyone else does that too.

             The suggestion that you try a trainer or a smaller session is a good one too.

             Let us know how it goes.

       3. I can really relate to this, my anxiety is not so much about other people as it is about just knowing that I won’t be able to do the moves “right” in the first class because I won’t know what’s going on (sigh unhelpful perfectionism). My strategy has been to try out new classes on days when I’m feeling particularly confident and awesome about other things that are going on in my life — so, on a day when you’ve achieved something fantastic at work, carry that feeling of invincibility over to the gym to help you get over that hump of walking into the first class.

       4. I just posted above, but wanted to share my favourite maxim from the karate instructor I mentioned in the other post: “your job is to get to the door of the dojo. The rest is up to me.”

          Tell yourself to take three steps inside the door, and at that point if you still don’t want to be there, you can leave immediately. I guarantee you won’t once you get there. :-)

30. This might be a dumb question and I’m sure I could find the answer with a little research, but I thought someone here might know and could save me the time. I work for a federal agency but am based in a field office, not DC. My hubby and I are thinking about trying for a baby in the near future. The state I live in has significantly more generous Family Medical Leave and pregnancy disability laws in place than the federal FMLA, which would allow a few extra weeks of recovery/bonding time after the birth, but I don’t know if working for the feds means the state law doesn’t apply, or if it’s based solely on the fact that I live and work in X State. The extra time would all be unpaid, but I’d still like to know whether I could have it if my husband and I decide it’s feasible. I didn’t see anything about this situation on my state’s website and I don’t want to ask HR yet because it’s way, way too early for that. Anyone dealt with this or know the answer?

    1. For federal employees, they will be covered by federal policies rather than state law, because of the Supremacy Clause. I’m 99% sure on that, but happy to be overruled if others have other info.

    2. You need to research your agency’s leave policies. I never even invoked FMLA, but my fed agency gave me tons of unpaid time off. It just took a few memos and my supervisor’s approval. I wanted to save the FMLA leave in case of serious emergency. As around your office to find out what other people have done before you approach your supervisor, of course.

31. Just an update from last week’s request on bullying coping. So, I went to the wedding. Sarah was at the reception, but not the ceremony (rude, but I also thought I was home free and wasn’t). At the reception, she came up to my brother and said something dumb, which he ignored entirely and walked away. Then about 20 minutes later she came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I told her “Stay 50 feet away from me all night and don’t speak to me ever again.” She looked incredibly taken aback and shuffled away and looked deflated most of the night from what I heard. I don’t know if I would have said that without all you telling me it was actually the right thing to do for fear of disrupting the wedding, but I am so glad I did. No one would ever accuse me of being afraid of confrontation, so I’m not sure why I was so worried about this one, but, like I said, I’m so glad I finally did it. After that, I had a wonderful time at the reception and barely gave her a second thought. I have a feeling that if, in 15 years we happen to be in the same elevator, she wont even look at me. Which is amazing.

    1. I am so happy for you. thanks for the update!

    2. Huzzah! Good job. Congrats on liberating yourself from a creepy bully!

       I am so glad you had a great time at the reception!

    3. High five! I’m really proud and happy, inexplicably so considering we’ve never met. :)

       1. Thank you! I’m always inexplicably proud of others on here as well, so I get it. :)

    4. She’s a jerk and I’m glad you stood up for yourself and that she didn’t ruin your evening.

    5. I missed your original post. Now I want to know the backstory. My high school reunion is next year and I need inspiration.

       1. It went beyond typical h.s. bullying, but the consensus of the thread was that bullies count on people being too polite to call them on their crap, so don’t be polite.

          https://corporette.com/2012/06/14/thursdays-tps-report-short-sleeve-dress-with-pleat-front/#comments

          It’s like 95% of the way down the page.

       2. In moderation, but it was in last week’s Thursday Coffee Break post. The consensus was to call out bullies for their actions because they are counting on people having manners and not causing a scene.

    6. Well done!

       Cyber hugs!!

32. Super exciting announcement:

    We removed conditions on the house we are buying today!

    AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I am so excited. :-)

33. Any recommendations on shapewear to wear with jeans? I think I have shared my devotion to my spanx before and find myself wanting them when I wear jeans. I think a shapewear cami would be the best choice under jeans because it would eliminate any muffin top without feeling like I am wearing my grandma’s underwear under my jeans. Thoughts?

    1. I like flexees camis, the ones with the thin straps. I usually purchase them at jcp or similar ones at target. They are not nearly as nice as spanx, but they work ok for the price. If you want something nicer maybe check out gap body?

    2. Have you tried Not Your Daughter’s Jeans? They have slimming things built in. I don’t wear jeans, but my friends who have tried NYDJs rave about them.

    3. Most muffin top is caused by too-low waist..

34. Attention lovers of THE SKIRT: anyone out there wear a size 6 who wants mine? I bought in multiple colors before I recognized that it absolutely does not work on me. Storm, moss, red, orange, teal, a puplish blue, and a deep pink (berry?). Free to a good home. I have more stuff in my closet that I love, and there is no room for the stuff that doesn’t work. Someone (maybe someone who is short on cash) ought to benefit from my shopping foolishness.

    Leave me an email address here and I’ll contact you for mailing info. Will send to multiple people if you want only certain colors.

    1. Oh yes please!!! Happy to pay for shipping. Would gladly take and wear all (I currently have it in purple and beige) but if others want to split, I obviously don’t want to be greedy!!

       [delete spaces]
       cri mson girl at gmail dot com

       So generous of you!!

    2. OOO, I’d love teal, moss, or purplish blue (I’ve been looking for more colorful pencil skirts). SFMK330930 AT yahoo DOT com. Maybe we can set up PayPal for shipping?

    3. Oh! I might be late to this train but I would really be interested in the red! Willing to pay as needed.

       Anon dot attorney dot Ohio at gmail dot com

    4. I’m a 6, too, and would take Storm, Moss or Orange. Email address is bknow0824@aol.com

    5. I also might be too late but I’d be interested in any remaining color (particularly the berry, moss, purplish blue, red or storm) and would gladly pay for shipping, etc. scarlets parks at gmail dot com

       1. Awesome, guys! I’ve been out of town but will email you all when I get back to my computer! I think there are plenty to go around :)

          1. If there are still any to go around I would love any color – except the purplish blue which I already have and adore. venice1 at hotmail

          2. never owned one but it sounds like it’d fit me, so I’m happy to take also! munchkin 1616 at juno dot com

    6. will take anything left. mid818 @mail.usask.ca

       1. And I would love berry if possible – will happily pay shipping.

35. …you know where. SoCalAtty here. You all know my saga with the firm secretary/receptionist. Since I emailed her a VERY simple assignment to put together some exhibits at 9am this morning, she has done nothing but tell me how I’m wrong. Every time she questions me, I have patiently shown her why it has been correct. To add to the stress, both partners are out of the office. To add add to the stress, I am watching partner A’s new puppy (very well behaved, just sleeps in the corner) that she normally brings to work since she was pulled away to court out of town. No biggie and the pup has been fine all day, but secretary has been all over me about everything I do with the pup, too (potty breaks on concrete patio and rinse down drain with water as per partner’s instructions, stuff like that). Finally I told her basically that if the partners aren’t allowed to yell at her (a constant complaint of hers), she doesn’t get to yell at me and if she has a problem with what I’m doing take it up with the partners.

    Because I am so exhausted and under deadlines and have wasted a ton of time dealing with this woman all day and am SO frustrated, I had to walk out of the office and run to the bathroom for some post confrontation freaking out. I’m such a wuss about this, I know, but she is just so unprofessional I have no coping mechanism. At all.

    I’m just exhausted from a long week and pressed on these deadlines, and I’m really cranky that her foolishness is probably going to cause me to have to take work home this weekend, when I’m supposed to be packing for my Italy trip that I leave for next Friday and running all of my pre-trip errands.

    Why can I out argue any opposing counsel of any age anytime, but this secretary pushes me way past my limits? Argh.

    1. Can you remind me why this woman treating you this way isn’t a fireable offense? Have you documented the full extent? Talked to Partners A and B about it?

       1. I have no idea why it isn’t. I actually think it probably will be, eventually. Both partners are aware and agree it is a problem, I have spoken to them about it, and it seems like they then speak to her about it and it will die down for a few weeks, and then it will flare up again. I’ve diligent about sending her emails with clear instructions and deadlines when I give her work, so it is very, very well documented.

          I almost feel it is a case of the partners not wanting to take the time to hire and train a replacement. When they are back Monday morning I’m volunteering to do so. I could train an intern to work better! Locating documents, answering phones, and putting the occasional exhibit packet together are not difficult tasks.

          Looks like she is blowing off my request to do a table of contents for my appellate appendix. There are only 45 minutes left in her workday, so there is no way there is time for that [eye roll]. Heaven forbid she take a break from her news reports to save me having to come in on the weekend.

    2. But when she’s mean to you you get to hug a PUPPY. Dear God, please, let my next job have a PUPPY or even PUPPIES.

       In all seriousness, document everything and let the partners know about it. She should be fired.

       1. Also, I think you undermined yourself by saying that if she has a problem with what you’re doing she should take it up with the partners. You essentially said she can go over your head. Next time you have words with her, tell her (politely) to sit down and shut up, not to sit down and shut up for the time being but complain to your boss later if she wants to.

          1. Very, very true Bluejay! The puppy in the office does help SO much!

             I’m glad you said that about the undermining. You’re right….I’m lucky that what I said it was in reference to the puppy potty breaks out on the concrete. I think I was frantically trying for an out or to shut her up.

             I need a go-to phrase. “X, please complete Y task by Z time and let me know when you are done. I need to concentrate on these motions.” You guys will probably have something better, that’s all I’ve got for now.

             I did email a complete account of today to the partners. Hate to do that on a Friday night, but there it is. It was professional and basically said “I am frustrated by my inefficiency caused by X today, and this is what happened. Let’s address this on Monday.” But it was a lot longer and a lot more detailed.

             1. I think you did the right thing for now. I’m sure the partners will address it, especially since you phrased it in terms of your inefficiency.

                I think your go-to phrase is fine. It doesn’t leave any wiggle room, and it effectively dismisses her. If she tries to argue, say, “X, I need it by Z time. I need to work now, so why don’t you go get started on Y right now.”

          2. And undermining yourself by explaining why you’re correct. She’s not the attorney, you are. You do your job, she does hers. If you screw up yours, the partners will have a talk with you about it, without her. Her job is to do what you say, it’s sad but that’s the way it is. If she sees something she thinks is an error, she gets one sentence to point it out: “are you sure?”, then you say “yes”, after giving it a look (she could be right occasionally..).
             I think offering to find and train a replacement/supplement is a good solution. Even partners who don’t want any trouble would likely go with that. Just be sure to keep the discussion to work efficiency, and not her nasty personality. Because really, you should not be contributing by the way you’re acting as a doormat to her :-).

       2. My heart is touched by a partner that would bring a new puppy to work. So sweet! That is so much better than leaving the little guy at home all alone. Dogs, especially young ones, are very social creatures and do not like to be left alone. I would come up with a thousand excuses to go into the office (while the partner’s away) and pet/scratch/hug the puppy. Talk about humanizing an office! I think we should all be able to bring pets to work. Think how much nicer working would be!

          1. Oh yeah, being itchy and sneezy all day at work would be fantastic.

             Not everyone can tolerate pets. We have this conversation in re perfume every couple of weeks and pets are at least as bad.

             Sidebar: it is so frustrating to me that you can take pets in the passenger area of a plane, but I can’t think of a better solution for moving a small animal from place to place… I’m allergic but not enough of an animal hater to want them in the cargo area. There needs to be designated “pet free” flights or something.

             1. PghAnon, I assumed in the puppy situation above, the partner had made sure that no one was allergic to dogs before bringing the puppy in. If not and it’s causing someone problems, you’re right, that’s not OK.

                And FWIW: I’m a huge pet lover, and I’d be A-OK with pet-free flights. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable/allergic by bringing my cats on a plane, but I also don’t trust the airline enough to keep them safe in the baggage compartment. I’d worry constantly that something heavy would fall on the carrier, that they wouldn’t adequately secure the carrier, etc.

             2. Re: planes, actually, airlines limit the number of pets allowed on a flight so that people with allergies will have a pet-free area of the plane to be moved to. When you’re checking in, ask if there’s a pet near you and if there is, ask to be moved. If they can’t move you at check in, the stewardess will try to find someone to trade seats with you at boarding.

             3. Bluejay – good call on asking at checkin! I didn’t realize they would already know at that point where the pets were sitting… I’ve always just asked to move once I and the pet owner are in our seats and I see that we’re close together.

             4. PghAnon – there are only 4 of us in the office, and she checked first :) I agree with you on the flights, I’m really allergic to cats and I just about die when one is on a flight. Eyes swelling, sneezing, face swelling…it’s bad. I’d be all for bet free flights – I was actually right behind a cat on a flight home once when I already had a sinus infection, and I wanted to throw myself out a window. I’m ok with dogs, and horses, but cats just kill me.

                I totally appreciate all of the other comments too :) One partner emailed me back thanking me for my hard work Friday and acknowledging that I shouldn’t have to put up with that mess, so it will probably be addressed then.

                The headache that crazy woman started for me yesterday has now turned into a migraine that no amount of drugs seem to be able to touch. Stress migraine, I’m sure.

          2. Agreed! An employee in my office has an assistance dog and she just makes everyone’s day. We can’t pet her when she’s working, though, which is sooooo hard to resist. And FWIW, I’m not aware that her presence bothers anyone’s allergies. I have allergies myself, and I really only have a problem when I’m in a pet-owner’s house for more than an hour or so.

             1. For me it depends on the specific animal. With some I’m like you, with others it’s an instant reaction when they’re even nearby. Cats are mostly not bad with a few exceptions, most but not all dogs are bad for me. (I do get insta-rash if I get licked by any dog.)

    3. I’ve never had a secretary before, so take this with a grain of salt, but I wouldn’t explain to her why you are correct. I think you should just tell her that is the way you decided to do it and you need it done that way by x-pm. It’s not worth it to get into the details with her because it’s just eating up more of your time (which you’ll probably need if she blows off the assignment anyway). It gives her a level of power if you feel like you need to explain it to her. If its actually wrong, then you’ve made a mistake on that but if it is right then you gain nothing by explaining it to her since it won’t ever be an issue with the partners.

       I wish I got to hang out with a puppy at work! Or just anywhere!

    4. But but but… puppy!!!

       I guess puppies don’t solve all problems. I’d just say document everything and make sure the partners know this is serious. Ask to schedule a time to talk about it if you have to.

       Ok, I’m going to go hug my own puppy.

    5. It may not help to hear this, but it finally sunk in with me when one of our HR staff told me that I was allowing one of my staff to manage me. I’m really trying not to allow that and you should, too! Don’t let her bully you!

36. Ok, hive. How do you make friends when you are new in town, the only associate in your firm, and have no coworkers your age. I’ve been trying for almost a year, and need some fresh ideas.

    1. meetup dot com

    2. My strategy that I pass on to people is to try to do social versions of the things you normally like to do. Like to cook? Take a class. Like to sing? Join a community choir. Take exercise classes. Join a knitting group. Join a book club. Turn your hobbies into possible social interactions with people outside of work. When I moved here many years ago, I didn’t know a soul. My church choir, community choir, and the church’s young adult group were godsends – they gave me a life outside of work that I wouldn’t have had.

    3. Join your local junior league, join a sports league (frisbee, pick up bocce ball/soft ball/field hockey, soccer, running, whatever), join and become active in the local women’s bar association, organize a [this site] meet-up.

       But remember that finding female friends as you get older is not like in college or even law school. You have to put more effort into it, its almost like dating women. And people will pass into and out of your life, you sort of have to roll with it.

    4. Also consider that age becomes less relevant for friendships. My BFF turns 40 this year and I am 52. If I’d restricted myself to people my age, we’d never have this great friendship. Widen your net a little :-)

       1. That’s totally true! I’m in my 40s and one of my closest friends is in her late 20s and the other two are in their 60s. When I have craft nights at my house, it’s about a five decade span.

          And speaking to what others have said, you just have to show the love! My really good friend in choir showed up about two years ago and my BFF and I felt like we’d always known her and told her so. She became a great friend very quickly because we both felt so comfortable with her.

    5. This SOUND’s like ME, no?

       When I came to NYC from DC I only knew my FAMILY in LONG ISLAND, but had got an offer to work by the manageing partner. So of COURSE I took it b/c otherwise I would NOT have a LAWYER job and I wanted to be practesing LAW with my JD.

       So I am STILL workeing for him in NYC and he is alway’s VERY suportive of me, tho he is alway’s stareing at me and telling me how to dress!

       I just got back from 4 days of doing depo’s in Pensylvania, and that is NOT NYC, let me tell you!Strictely a FOOEY kind of place!

       The ONLY good thing was I found a packeage of 10 colored scrunchies on sale for $12.99. That is a STEEL! It is so dificult to find good scrunchies ANYWHERE, but they have them there!!!!

       So now when I go workeing out at the gym, I have color coordinated SCRUNCHIES!
       YAY!!!!!!

    6. I’ve had the most success making new friends at exercise classes (the classes I go to are at smaller more “boutique” places — think barre classes, etc — rather than a big gym). Just go to the same class every week, and you are bound to find some regulars there. It takes a while, but I’ve made 2 or 3 good friends this way (and many more acquaintances).

    7. Volunteer, but do it in a long-term, committed way to something you really care about. Find something that you are really into. Like animals? Volunteer at a rescue shelter. etc. Try and find a place with a well-run volunteer program that has a good retention rate and lets you have actual responsibility/interact with staff as well as other volunteers. As a scientist who barely gets out of the lab, volunteering at a local science museum for the last few years has absolutely made my life. A lot of the staff is around my age, and everyone is super cool/interesting. I’ve definitely met a ton of people who I would not have otherwise. Good luck!

    8. Depending on your location, there might be a corporette meetup. San Francisco and Boston have regular meets.

    9. I’ve had the best success by just being entirely un-subtle when I meet someone that I like. I met one of my current closest friends in the city at a party (hosted by a mutual friend that I didn’t care for that much, but hey, accept all invitations when you’re trying to meet people). After 20 minutes or so of talking to her I basically said, “I think you’re awesome and we should hang out more. Here’s my email.” If I’d just let at “nice talking to you” I probably would have never seen her again.

       1. I’m in the same boat and recently read a book about making friends in a new city ‘MWF Seeking BFF’. The author has lots of suggestions for meeting people (e.g. meetup groups, parties, and websites) but my main takeaway is that making friends needs consistency/follow-ups, so I second N’s suggestion.

       2. I want to second this advice. I have struggled with making friends in a new city, not because of my personality (I hope), but just because circumstances make it hard. I finally just started being more honest. When I hit it off with someone upon meeting at yoga class or an acquaintance’s brunch, I say explicitly “Let’s get together sometime. I need more friends in this city.” People often respond and admit that they need friends, too!

37. First, congrats!!!

    Second, what does that mean?

    –Real Estate Ignoramus

    1. I’m going to assume that was for me….

       What it means is that there were a couple of conditions on our offer (being happy with the financing available to us and having an acceptable inspection done on the house – i.e. if we found the house was totally falling apart, we could walk away). We cleared both those conditions today, made the down payment and now the contract is unconditional! So that means we complete and get possession of the house in two months.

       Pool party at my house in early September!

38. Anyone ever give a former employee a negative reference and feel totally crappy about it afterward? Can’t share any details, but would love to hear about other managers’ experiences.

    1. Yes. I have had to inform a potential employer of a former employee about a serious ethical breach committed by the former employee.

       Feel bad? No. He made his bed. The potential employer asked why he left and I told her why (only the facts, no embellishment, no comment on his character). I told the potential employer otherwise good things about him and left it at that.

       Feel sorry for him? Yes. He was new to the profession and this will haunt him.

       The only thing you can do in these situations is lay out the facts as objectively as possible and with as much factual support as possible.

       1. I agree with karenpadi – as long as your company does not have rules about that sort of thing. At my previous company, we were prohibited from divulging any information other than the person’s job title and the length of time they were with the company. I was contacted several times to provide references about people I had managed. Once I was mad because I couldn’t share what a total incompetent DOOSH the guy was; the other time I felt bad that I could not provide a glowing reference for a valued employee.

39. Does anyone have any personal finance/budgeting blogs or books they recommend? I am trying to be a bit more intentional about my spending and am curious if any of you have resources you have found especially helpful. I subscribe to DailyWorth and I’d love to expand my reading list. Thanks!

    1. Young, Fabulous and Broke is a helpful book if you fit that description (or part of it).

       1. Just answered you below (of course, I found your post right after I posted).

    2. Books:
       “Your Money or Your Life” by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin.
       “Get a Financial Life” by Beth Kobliner.

       Blogs:
       The Simple Dollar
       Get Rich Slowly

       1. I second the blog The Simple Dollar – he gives great advice.

    3. “I will teach you to be rich” by ramit sethi
       “total money makeover” by Dave Ramsey

40. Looking at masters programs. Government employee looking to stay there but transition into energy or international development. Thinking of eschewing the traditional MBA. Because of the way the public affairs programs are setup, I’m thinking of doing the public management and/or public arfairs certificates now at the campus close to me. This would give additional points when I apply for promotions now and the classes would count towards the masters in public affairs (w energy concentration or public financial administration) at the “main” campus without having to drive 2 hours roundtrip for all the courses.

    Is this a bad idea? A different program I should consider?

    Work will pay for the classes. I also qualify for a CMA so there is that general finance background I can include also if I decide to go the typical finance route later.

    1. Are you in DC? I’d suggest a master’s program at SAIS if you want to transition into substantive international development work. A degree in public affairs or public management is not going to get you a substantive development job, although if you want to be an administrator, it would probably be a good choice.

       1. No, Im at one one that has a midwest agency HQ. I know I’m really going to need to move to SC/Alexandria eventually. Philly as a second option.

          1. DC, not SC.

          2. Do you mind saying what state? I could tell you which schools in the area are best represented in the DC international development community.

             1. Indiana. Not much here. Haven’t looked at the online programs from the established universities yet.

             2. I went to grad/law school in Indiana! I went to ND. The graduate program in international peace studies is very well respected, but I think it’s only full time. Their graduate school of international relations (I think it’s the Kellogg school) is also well-respected. Their business school is is very well respected, and it offers a Master’s in nonprofit administration and I think some other public sector-focused business degrees. I know the business school has part time programs, and I think they may even offer some courses in Indy and Chicago rather than only on campus.

                IU-Bloomington is also a well-respected university. I don’t know specifics of their graduate programs, but I do know a couple people in the DC development community who got graduate degrees there. I think IU-B would be a good option for you too.

                Hope this helps!

       2. Hmmm, U of Chicago offers a MBA/MA in Inernational Relations or MBA/MA in Public Policy. There aren’t many opportunities in the Midwest. My original post focused on the energy option as that was the one easily available close by.

Comments are closed.