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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 204 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Elizabeth and James Denver Draped TeeSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Nordstrom just started its spring sale, and there are tons of cute things — the lingerie in particular was jumping out to me today. For a more “suitable for work” picture (even if it is a recommendation for what to wear on the weekend!) I really liked this draped tee from Elizabeth and James. Being a New Yorker I of course like it as styled — all black, and I can kind of even get behind the Bermuda shorts — but I also think it would look great with all manner of pants. The shirt was $135, but is now marked to $95. Elizabeth and James Denver Draped Tee (L-3)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s! I am leaveing soon to meet Myrna, who is pickeing me up here at work (she get’s to drive to work on Friday’s) and we are heading straight to my parent’s house for dinner and the weekend! Yay! No men for a change unless dad’s freind’s son come’s this weekend for the party. FOOEY–I want at least a coupel of days where MEN are not stareing at us and askeing us dumb question’s!

    Myrna says that she is doeing some contest where she run’s up the stair’s of the Empire State Building. Does anyone else in the Hive do this? Is it safe? I would think it’s dusty in there! FOOEY! It must be good for the tuchus, so I will LOAN Myrna my fitbit. I did the math. If it is 100 storie’s high and there are 20 stair’s per storie, then that is 2,000 step’s! Now if she did it 5 time’s I could sleep or watch TV all day and never get off my own tuchus, but I won’t. Thank’s Myrna, and Thank’s to the HIVE for wisheing me a HAPPY BIRTHEDAY! YAY!!!!!!

    • Donna

      Happy b-day! Words for the wise: if you find another guy, don’t badger him or he won’t stay no matter how cute you are. I made that mistake with my ex (who was admittedly a schlepp) and now I have no one. You should always think twice before becoming confrontational or bossy with him (the way I was), or you will lose him to another woman.

      • zora

        My aspirational self’s wardrobe would have super amazing tshirts that cost a ridiculous amount. There is a huge difference in quality. I have one James Perse shirt i spent way too much money on and I love it so much, and it has held up beautifully for 5 years now. I wear it as soon as it comes out of the laundry and then I’m like dying to do laundry so I can wear it again. Ridiculous.

  3. Anonattorney

    I like this shirt! I could see myself wearing this with some colorful slim-fitting ankle pants.

  4. DontBlameTheKids

    Soooo excited for the weekend! We have a kite festival here in DC, and I can’t wait to take my kids. (Yes, I am a total dork.) Side note on that, I thought the Kite Runner would be a fun book about a kite contest. I was wrong. That is not a happy book. Don’t read it if you are going through a hard time like a divorce or something.

    • Sparrow

      Kite Runner is definitely not a happy book! I read A Thousand Splendid Suns (by the same author) and liked it better than Kite Runner. Also not happy, but it was a good read.

    • Pink

      On the other hand, if you’ve ever waffled on providing structure and disciplining children (in the context of parenting/school teacher) it really shows how important it is for kids to have consequences/boundaries.

    • Sacha

      I went to that kite festival with my (dorky) father as a child and have vivid memories of it! We made our own elaborate kites beforehand. Definitely go.

    • Lily student

      Before I saw The boy in The Striped Pyjamas (hadn’t heard of the book) I thought it was going to be happy. I was drowning in tears when the cinema lights came up.

      Now I always read the book first

  5. Mary Ann Singleton

    Are any of you SF Bay Area ‘r e t t e s doing the Wilpower program this year?

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I was hoping to but missed the application deadline. I’ve heard great things about it!

    • N

      Did it last year. Not sure I’d recommend it. The first couple of sessions were good, but then the sessions just started feelings like advertisements for the consultants that led them. For example, the consultant would talk about on a high level about X, but if you wanted to know more about X, you could hire the consultant to work with you personally.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Interesting. We’ve had two sessions so far and they’ve been really good (especially the first one), but I’ll have to see how the rest of the year turns out. I think my main take-away is going to be a much more expanded network of women in my field (my firm is extremely male-dominated).

  6. Emmabean

    Question: do you wait to congratulate someone on their pregnancy until they’ve told you? I work in a small firm and both my boss and a senior associate have told me about another senior associate’s pregnancy. I’m junior to all of them. I don’t think it’s a secret. So do I email her and congratulate her (different offices)?

    • poppy

      It sounds like it is out in the open, so I would definitely congratulate her!

    • Anon

      Nope.

      For all you know, something tragic has happened b/w then and now. If you weren’t in the loop to be told the good news, you wouldn’t know the bad news, so don’t take that chance.

      FWIW, unless I see a baby crowning, I officially have no knowledge about someone’s being with child unless officially, directly, and unambiguously told.

      If you want to chat about it, maybe call about something else and see if it comes up? Then you can unleash the congrat-y chat.

      • WestCoast Lawyer

        +100 I once attended a client meeting while obviously pregnant (I think around 6 months) and the client acted completely oblivious until I brought it up. Then he told me that he never commented on a pregnancy unless the woman brought it up because he had done so once only to find out that she had recently suffered a late-term miscarriage and was still carrying the pregnancy weight.

        • poppy

          I did not think about the miscarriage possibility. My reasoning is based on when I was pregnant – I told most people directly. I did not tell one partner only because I rarely see him. It was awkward for the next 6 months. I didn’t really have a chance to tell him early, like the rest, and then it was just so obvious that I was pregnant (I was huge w/ twins!). I know he knew – I’m sure they addressed my maternity leave in partners meetings. Anyway, he never acknowledged it, and I wish he had.

          When I hear that people are pregnant (and seemingly sharing the news), if I run into the person, I say something like, “did I hear you are expecting?” Then, based on her answer, I can congratulate her or just move on.

          • Oops

            I congratulated a person on being pregnant once. I thought it was obvious based on shape and clothes. Nope! She ballooned up with some fertility treatments and had to wear what fit (and I understand that fibroids can do this, too). I felt beyond awful, especially since I had a baby in tow and really thought that I had this down. So, never again.

          • rosie

            I think it’s better to err on the side of caution. There are natural ways to work it into conversation even after it might appear to be obvious. For example, coworker asks “how are you?” You can say, “so excited about the baby” and point to your belly. (I had a coworker reveal her pregnancy to me this way after she was showing and I had heard from someone else, but I am so glad I waited for her to tell me herself before I congratulated her.)

          • poppy

            It’s more that it is a small office, and I know that he actually knew I was pregnant. But I felt uncomfortable saying to him that I was expecting b/c it seemed so obvious. Water over the dam, but that’s what my thinking was.

          • Lyssa

            My son goes to a parent-baby class, and one of the other moms in there, who we’re pretty friendly with, is obviously, obviously pg, and often makes comments about sitting down and whatnot. Even so, because I haven’t heard her explicitly state that she is pg, I simply cannot bring myself to say anything about it beyond a pointed “How are you doing?” I really want to ask when she’s due, how her son is reacting (he’s around 1.5, so too little to get it, but old enough to know something’s different), whether it’s a boy or girl, that sort of thing, but I always resist!

          • anonish

            Yeah, I work with a girl who seems obviously pregnant…like 8 months…I mean, I have had kids, I know what preggo belly looks like.

            Except she isn’t pregnant. It’s looked the same for the 1 1/2 yrs I have worked with her. I have no idea if she has a medical condition, I would guess so because the rest of her is probably about a size 8, so it’s a very odd weight distribution> but I’m certainly not going to ask her.

            I would never say anything about babies no matter how “obvious” it seemed unless as someone above said, the person told me directly and unambiguously, or I could see an infant crowning.

          • Anon99

            I have a coworker who had this same issue. It turned out to be a massive (8+ pounds) benign abdominal tumor. She had it taken out and looks so thin now.

  7. NOLA

    I can’t wait for the weekend to be here! The weather is so bad (severe thunderstorms and flash flooding) there would be no point in leaving early. But I have so much to do this weekend. Getting things ready for having guests regularly for the next month. I made a list of everything I need to do and I’ve been trying to do one thing on the list every night, but then I keep seeing things that I need to clean or organize so the list grows. I know I can’t get it all done before my SO gets here on Wednesday but I’m trying!

  8. Anon

    Phoenix ‘rettes! I will be in Phoenix next weekend with my husband and small children. Our hotel is downtown and we need to stay in that area. Any recommendations for fun things to do and places to eat nearby?

    • Anon

      Vovomeena or Matt”s Big Breakfast for breakfast/brunch, Pomo for the best pizza you will EVER have, tons of museums downtown (including the Science Center and the Children’s Museum, both great for kids). Tons more stuff if you have a car and can drive a bit outside downtown.

  9. Follow Up To AM DH Rant

    Follow up from this morning on marriage stuff – please feel free to skip.

    Thank you very much for your thoughtful responses to my post this morning about DH going kayaking on a dangerous river without telling me. To followup, here is the long distance situation, since, as was graciously pointed out to me, that was the real issue behind my earlier post.

    Before we got married, we mutually decided that Town A is where we would like to live in the long term and eventually start a family. We signed a year lease together on a little house in Town A, in which I live. We moved almost all of his stuff into the Town A house, so all of his furniture, books, everything but his spare mattress and a nightstand essentially, are in the Town A house.

    DH has a good job in Town B that he mostly loves. He is a professional, and all of his qualifications are transferable to Town A’s state. He owns his home in Town B, and we have agreed that he will sell it when it’s time to move (rather than renting it out). Last summer I met with a realtor at the B house to figure out its selling potential and what fixes needed to be made. I did what I could and made DH a list of the rest, which I do not believe he has started on. He has a roommate, which helps us to afford both the house note in Town B and the rent for the house in Town A. I think he should sell that house now, not wait til he gets a job in Town A. We haven’t done the calculation on whether we could survive on my salary alone if he quit and moved here, but obviously it is very expensive to be maintaining two separate households.

    He has been dragging his feet about applying for jobs. He says he is too tired after work and has no motivation. (Except that he has the time and energy to take three days off to go kayaking.) He says that as his wife I am supposed to provide said motivation, i.e., be his cheerleader, which I do as best I can. I created his resume, I look for job postings he could apply to and send them to him, I write his cover letters. I am doing everything I can do get him to make this happen, or simply put, do it for him, but it isn’t working. It is so hard to be cheerful and motivated when I feel so sad about this situation, disappointed in his lack of effort, feel like he is not participating, and like I am the only one interested in doing the work to make this happen. It requires quite the mental gymnastics (I’m sad and angry but have to pretend to be cheerful). I think he has completed two applications, so it’s not like he has sent out a bunch and just not heard back.

    He has generally been a motivated, high-achieving person otherwise, so the lack of effort here really makes me question his desire to participate in our marriage. I almost think he knew he wanted to marry me, and liked the idea of marriage, but is not ready to stop living as if he were single (not that I think he cheats, far from it, just that he doesn’t want to be accountable as half of this team). On top of everything I am embarrassed that our families and friends can see that he is not making efforts and is still living there, when it has almost been a year, and I am just putting up with it. I have in turn been cheerful/motivational, angry, very sad, basically every reaction to this (which he is aware of) and nothing has moved him.

    I don’t mean to paint the picture that he is terrible, he isn’t – this is just a difficult situation. So, aside from telling me to leave him, which I am NOT going to do and am not thinking about, how do I get him to get off his @ss? Should I say that he needs to try harder to get a job here, but stay there until he does? Should I tell him I think he should move here even if he hasn’t found a job? Should I just accept that this is the situation we have made and try to patientlywait it out? Basically – help. Thanks again for reading.

    • Anon

      FWIW, I would also be questioning his desire to participate in the marriage. He doesn’t want to make any efforts to find a new job and move to your town and he doesn’t want to be your partner. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh – I think this is an awful situation and you seem to be handling it remarkably well but it doesn’t sound like it’s fair to you AT ALL.

      Your husband is presumably a grown man who has been able to find himself a job before – why are you doing the work for him?

      I think this is the time for an ultimatum to be perfectly honest (and I’m not generally a fan of those) but if you don’t want to leave him, you need to make it clear that this is an unacceptable solution and he needs to fix it 6 months ago.

      • Anonattorney

        I wouldn’t do an ultimatum unless you’re actually ready to leave. That’s the last resort, and usually should be more of a heads up that you’re halfway out the door, and he maybe could salvage the relationship if he does _____.

        I think most of all you need to explain what you are feeling, why you are frustrated with him, and don’t put any specific parameters on what you expect him to do. Don’t tell him he needs to get a job in 6 months in Town A. Even if that exact thing happens, that doesn’t fix the problem. The problem is that you are sad he’s not in the same geographic location as you, and he’s not trying as hard to fix that as you’d like. Identify what the root causes are and fix those. Don’t just treat the symptoms.

        • anon

          Have you thought about moving to be back in his location? If he really doesn’t want to move, maybe you should both reconsider what will work in the long run as a location.

    • Anon

      So here is what you said you’ve done towards getting the house sold/him a job in Town A:
      – I met with a realtor at the B house to figure out its selling potential and what fixes needed to be made.
      – I did what I could and made DH a list of the rest.
      – I created his resume
      – I look for job postings he could apply to and send them to him
      – I write his cover letters.

      And here is what you said he’s done:
      – ****crickets****

      You can’t expect him to want to do anything when you’ve already proven that you’re willing to do it all for him. If I were you, I’d stop. Stop helping. Stop calling. Stop asking him what progress he’s made. And see how he respond. And, frankly, if his response is nothing, then I’d seriously consider whether you want to continue to think about keeping him in your future, when he doesn’t really even seem to want you in his present.

      How long did you date before you got married?

      • OP

        Dated 5 years before marriage.

        I see what you mean. It has been a year since we were married and he was supposed to be working on this. Only in the last few months, after witnessing his lack of effort, that I have been doing any work on the job hunt front. So, I guess, kind of tried that.

        • KLG

          Stop doing his resume and cover letters. Just stop. When I was job searching I did appreciate my husband sending job postings my way (we’re in related fields), but your husband should be looking for job postings himself and everything else should be done by him and only him. Sure, look over a cover letter or proofread for typos, but anything more? No way.

          Like others are saying, you can’t make him do anything. I think it’s time for a come to Jesus with him about your frustration and his commitment to moving to your town.

      • Anne Shirley

        I mean, it’s nice and all that he wants a perky happy peppy cheerleader, but that doesn’t mean you have to provide that service to him. He’s your husband- you have to be able to live an honest life with him or what’s the point? You’ve already tried trying to get him to change and it’s not working. I’d be focusing on what you can change, with the help of a couples counsellor. And if he refuses that tell him that you expect him to honor his vows by participating in your marriage. And that he needs to figure out a way to do that, and since he hasn’t you don’t actually feel cheerful. You feel angry and alone.

        • Anon

          Also, re: cheerleader? I am totally my SO’s cheerleader, in that I encourage him and support him in what HE does. I’m his biggest fan, his staunchest ally. I don’t actually DO things FOR him (things like writing cover letters, applying for jobs, etc). When was the last time you saw a cheerleader throw the football? Exactly.

          • CKB

            +1

            I have found during my many years of married life that with my dh he is the one that has to make the decision or he won’t do anything. Even if he agrees with me when I make a statement, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll do anything about it.

            In your situation I would approach him as “I’m feeling sad because it is hard to feel really married while we are living apart. I think we need to make some changes in order to make that happen. What do you think? What will you do to help?”

            I honestly think that you need to approach this with an open mind. Perhaps your original plan to move to town A needs to be revisited and possibly revised. Either way, something has to change, someone has to be willing to make the move and change jobs. It just doesn’t sound to me like he’s that invested in being the one to do it or he would be doing something to move in that direction.

    • mascot

      Providing moral support is one thing. Conducting his job search is something entirely different and shouldn’t be your responsibility. You guys need to to have some serious soul searching about where this is going because from what you have said, I’m not sure you are in the same chapter, let alone on the same page.

      • Pip

        I agree. I’m fairly sure that he is enjoying his life and friends in B-town and is worried that he’ll lose that when he moves to A-town. So I’d ask him what he will miss the most when leaving B-town, and what he is most worried about regarding moving to A-town. If he doesn’t mention friends or social life, I’d ask point blank if he will miss his friends and is worried about being lonely in A-town.

        And then work from there. Discuss what you can do to help with the fears and worries, and also talk about the good things that will come when he moves to A-town. And I don’t know …. invite him over to hang with your friends in A-town more, introduce him to people you think he’d like (the kayaking-down-Devils-River kind of people), make him look forward to having a rich and enjoyable life in A-town. Once he truly believes that moving to A-town is the best thing ever, he’ll start job searching on his own if he’s anything like you describe him. But stop doing the job search for him right now!

        • anon

          I moved to a new city and changed jobs immediately after I was married. It was very hard on me. I cry a lot. I am lonely. Her husband’s fears are justified in a sense, because he will experience a real sense of loss on some level. It’s not like moving will instantly make everything easier. I think you both need to talk with open minds about what you want your future to look like. The solution is not automatically, “Husband needs to move and change jobs to be with me.” You have to find something you both can live with. If he’s dragging his feet, there has to be a reason, and as a couple, it would be better to talk about it rather than insisting that one solution is the only answer.

          • Anon for this

            +1

            I moved cities (4 hours away from where my law school friends/contacts were) when I married my husband. It’s been three years, and it’s just now that I’m starting to feel like I belong here, and that I have friends. It also took me quite some time to get a job that wasn’t slowly killing me.

            Even then, it’s hard — I’m a transplant to a small area. I spend a lot of time alone, because my husband has a non-standard work schedule.

            Plans change. Talk to your husband about whether he is actually interested in moving, and accept whatever answer he gives as a jumping off point for a new discussion about where you’ll live as a couple and what each of your jobs will be.

          • anonish

            +2.

            Maybe town A is not the perfect solution. Maybe town A seemed great in theory but he has realized he doesn’t really want to move and doesn’t know how to tell you. If things are good otherwise, maybe you two need to sit down together and have a real talk about the future, letting him know that you’re open to NOT living in Town A.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds incredibly difficult.

      This doesn’t help with a solution, but I do think you should stop doing his résumé, cover letters, looking for job postings, etc for him. Those are things he absolutely needs to do himself, could hurt him down the road, and is just adding stress to you. That’s not to say that you can’t introduce him to people who might be able to help him on the job front, but I’d only do that if it naturally happens.

      Have you told him explicitly how you feel about all of this? Especially your concerns that from afar it seems like he is not even trying to make progress on any of these things? I’d do my best to do that and also broach the subject of him moving without a job and putting the house on the market, even if the repairs aren’t done.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Sorry that looks like piling on! There weren’t any responses when I started writing mine.

    • DontBlameTheKids

      Oh, gosh that sucks. To me, it sounds like he actually doesn’t want to move to Town A, even if that’s what you agreed on.

      Your question was how to get him off his ass, but there isn’t a way to do that. You can’t make anyone do anything. (I really wish that weren’t true, fwiw.) I think you should talk to him, find out if he would rather you move to where he is. Then decide what you need to do. If he still says he wants to move to Town A, then sure, do it without the job. I would, to be with my spouse.

      • Anonattorney

        I think this is another distinct possibility. It sounds like his friends (roommate?) are in Town B, a job he loves is in Town B, and he has a house in Town B. Maybe it’s worth another discussion about whether you should live in A or B.

    • Anon

      I think you should look into couples counselling. It should happen in Town A – even if he has to participate via Skype because you will want someone that you can continue to see once the move occurs. I think you are right to be concerned that he is not committed to the marriage. I would postpone any plans re kids until you have established yourselves in the same community and worked out his flakiness/irresponsibility issues.

      FWIW re: kayak trips – i have a DH who kayaks (including North Atlantic ocean – in the winter), he always leaves a form filled out (even for day trips indicating emergency numbers, who he is going with including their cells and description of their boats, approximate return time and a ‘call the authorities if we’re not back by X” time – he learned this in a certified kayaking course- it’s standard behaviour for adventure kayakers not about nagging/unreasonable wife issues – don’t let your DH tell you otherwise

      • zora

        yes to counseling. I think this is past the ‘a couple of tips’ stage. I think you both need to sit down, preferably with a professional, and talk about the deep issues as well as talk about what marriage means, what the plan is, how you both feel about what is happening and how to move forward.

        I am sorry you are dealing wtih this and it sounds so hard, but I think this is Serious Talk time. i reallyhope you can work it out!!

    • Pebbles

      Gut reaction? He doesn’t want to live in Town A. Maybe he’s known that all along (which is very unfair to you) or maybe he’s had a change of heart. Either way, it needs to be addressed. Also, the line about you are supposed to be his motivation/cheerleader is just such BS that I don’t even know where to start. HE should be motivated to do what needs to be done to live with his WIFE. All of his actions scream passive aggressiveness regarding his lack of desire to live in Town A.

      • Calico

        Yes, this exactly. How did the decision to move to Town A come about? Did he participate in that decision or just go along with it? It sounds like prefers to delay moving forward with your life together. Sorry for the difficult situation you are in!

    • Anonattorney

      I’m sorry. This sucks. It just sucks.

      In my experience with my husband – and through talking with many friends – many men are slow to embrace change. Especially if they are generally pretty happy with what they have going on. This is a gross generalization, but I don’t think men visualize the future as well as women, and aren’t as good at planning ahead. That means that if things are good where they’re at, they are generally disinclined to make changes.

      I would avoid thinking that this is about you at this point. Stay positive about your relationship, and focus more on the other issues. This would be my guess: He’s afraid to apply for jobs, because he’s afraid of failure. He doesn’t want to get rejected, so he’s basically avoiding all the different things he would need to do to propel that forward (fixing house, applying to jobs, etc.)

      There are many ways to skin a cat, and each relationship is different. That being said, this is what I would do. I would schedule a romantic night out. Take a load off, have a nice time together. Then I would just lay my heart on the line. I would say “I love you and I really miss you. I hate living in separate towns. I want to come home to you each night and see your face, and kiss you and hold you. I’m worried right now because it doesn’t seem like our relationship is moving forward, and things seem to be put on hold. I sense some hesitation on your part to find a job in Town A. Is that true? If so, do you think you know why?”

      Let him speak and identify what his feelings are. Then see where you go from there. Also, in my experience, it’s best to give them a day before you jump in and try to fix the problem. Let him first identify what his problem is, and then let that marinate for a bit before you start offering a number of solutions.

    • JJ

      That sounds like a very difficult situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

      Different strokes for different folks, but I about fell out of my chair when I read this: “He says that as his wife I am supposed to provide said motivation, i.e., be his cheerleader, which I do as best I can. I created his resume, I look for job postings he could apply to and send them to him, I write his cover letters. I am doing everything I can do get him to make this happen, or simply put, do it for him, but it isn’t working.”

      Your husband is a man. If he wants to conduct a job search, he will. He knows it’s important to you that he do so, but he’s not doing it anyway. It sounds like you guys need a serious heart to heart where you explain your frustrations and he can discuss why he’s not putting so much effort into moving to Town A.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      You can never get him to get off his @$$ if he doesn’t want to. It’s terrible, and frustrating, and sad, but it really is that simple. All of this “you’re my wife, you need to be my motivation” is kind of silly – motivation is an internal thing. He either wants to look for new jobs or he doesn’t. So far, for whatever reason, he doesn’t. To place that burden on you (“it’s your fault I’m not job-searching, you’re not a good enough cheerleader”) is unfair, and if I were you, I’d let him know that the pom-poms have left the building going forward.

      Okay, so you can’t make him do anything – so what can you do? Instead of focusing on what *he* should do (which is where the vast majority of your focus is right now), refocus on what you want. Do you want him to move by a certain date whether he has a job or not? Do you want him to stay where he is until he has a job? Are you fine with him staying where he is if some other aspect of his behavior (say, communication skills) were different? Figure that out, then communicate it to him in a straightforward way, without turning it into a referendum on his behavior for the past year (think “H, what I want from you is a commitment that you will move here to be with me by August 31 whether or not you have a job” rather than “H, since you’ve been dragging your feet for a year and don’t seem to want to get a job here, you have to move here by August 31 even if you haven’t bothered to find a job by then because you’re driving me crazy”).

      Another thing – is there any chance you guys need to revisit the City A vs. City B discussion? You say he *loves* his job (a not insignificant thing), owns a home (another not insignificant thing), and seems to have close friends in the area in City B – so why’d you guys agree on City A? What’s he getting out of City A? Maybe he’s realized that City A isn’t actually where he wants to be, and doesn’t know how to tell you that. If you’re willing to revisit the A vs. B discussion, you could always say something like “I know last year we committed to City A, but I’m getting the sense you’re not so interested in relocating – what’s the deal? Do we need to reconsider?” and see what happens.

    • Anon

      I agree with everyone about not doing his job search anymore. It also seems to me that it is a priority for you to both be living together. I know you said you agreed to live in Town A, but can you move to Town B? Is he willing to move to Town A without finding a job? Can you hire someone to make the rest of the changes to the house and get it on the market soon? I don’t kow, these are just some questions that came to me as I was reading, especially after you said you are not considering leaving him. I don’t think you can make him do anything, but if you want to be with him (in the physical, same address sense) then maybe you can do something about that. Either way, I would have a heart-to-heart with him and consider counseling.

    • anon

      A slightly different idea – is he on board with Town A or does he really prefer to live in Town B? It sounds like the big issue is being in the same place. Could part of the discussion be you quitting/getting a job in Town B again instead of in Town A?

    • Been There

      So, two suggestions:

      1. I agree with DontBlameTheKids, it sounds like he may have reconsidered moving to Town A and might not know how to tell you. He might like the idea of Town A “later” and “for kids” but when push comes to shove on “right now” it sounds like he doesn’t want to move. I would consider reopening the conversation on where you both want to live TOGETHER right now. If he wants to stay in Town B for a few more years, or likes the idea of Town C, then you can renegotiate from there. He may have really thought he was okay moving to Town A and is only now realizing that he doesn’t. For this conversation the most important thing is that you forget what you agreed to before — it sucks that he changed his mind but do you want to be right or married?

      2. I had the same issue with my ex-DH. Even though he did eventually move to Town A, because he didn’t want to be in Town A and didn’t want to be married in reality, our marriage turned bad and quickly dissolved–we were divorced less than a year later (I chose to be right instead of married and it was the correct choice for me). We dated for 4 years before getting married and I still believe that he really wanted to marry me and liked the idea of marriage. The moral of my story is this: getting him to move may not solve your issues. Regardless of when or whether he moves, or how you get him to move, you need to get yourselves into marriage counseling ASAP. If he won’t go with you, then you should consider going by yourself. If nothing else, counseling gave me tools to decrease the number of “right or married” scenarios and realize when it was the correct time for me to bail.

    • Anon

      I may be going way, way down the wrong path with this possibility, but taking together “not that I think he cheats (far from it)” which would imply a general lack of physical intimacy, and the fact that he’s doing absolutely nothing to move away from a town where he shares a house with a male roommate to a town where he’d be living with his female wife – um, is it at all possible that he’s struggling with his preference in life?

      • LH

        I think this is a big leap. Nothing in her comment implied a lack of physical intimacy. I took her comment to mean she trusts him, fidelity-wise.

        OP: I agree with a couple other commenters who said you should explore you moving to Town B. I know you agreed to live in Town A, but it sounds like he has some pretty good reasons for wanting to stay in Town B (including a job he really likes) so if you’re not bound and determined to stay in Town A, I think it makes sense for you to move. It seems to me at this point that your top priority should be living together and the easiest way to do that seems to be you moving back to Town B, since he’s dragging his feet with the house sale and job hunt.

        • Anon

          I think OP should be careful about giving up her job and her plans to be in Town A givne that DH is not showing much priority towards their relationship— the whole last minute kayak trip was a big red flag for me – if he could take 3 days off work it should have at least been on the table that he woudl come visit you or job hunt even if the ultimate decision was to go kayaking.I wouldn’t want to move back to Town B only to find out that the Town wasn’t the issue.

          • LH

            Just to clarify, I wasn’t suggesting she leave her job without another one lined up – I was suggesting she start job hunting herself in Town B rather than trying to force him to job hunt in Town A. I agree that his lack of communication (about both the kayak trip & his reasons for dragging his feet about the move) is troubling. But I also think they made a somewhat arbitrary decision to move to Town A and he has some very good reasons for wanting to stay in Town B. Assuming she can move back there without jeopardizing her career, it seems like them living in the same place is what they need to do as a first step. If things improve at that point, great. If they don’t, I think it will be easier to work on their relationship once they’ve removed the distance element. And if, worst case, things don’t work out, its not like she can’t move back to Town A by herself at some point in the future. I agree she shouldn’t leave her job suddenly/burn bridges/quit without something else lined up or otherwise torpedo her career just to try to work on the relationship.

      • Ginjury

        Seriously?? I was in a long distance relationship for 2.5 years and I can completely relate to what OP said. I took that comment as simply clarify what she meant when she said her husband isn’t ready to stop living as a single man. The “far from it” implies that she completely trusts DH and they don’t have any issues in that regard, but he does seem to enjoy the other aspects of singledom (more freedom/less accountability to another person, etc.). I think you’re reading way into it.

      • Wildkitten

        +1 You’re reading entirely new lines in between the lines there, Anon. I don’t think that’s a practical observation.

    • M

      I didn’t get a chance to say something this morning. But I thought his behavior was terrible and if my husband pulled the same moves, I would be furious. You have every right to be mad – being married means you deserve a phone call at the very least.

      However, after you are done being furious, maybe it’s time to back off for a while. It’s not your job to get him a job. Take his advice and be his cheerleader. Encourage HIM to fill out his own d*mn applications and wave your metaphorical pom-poms for him whenever he brings up his job search. You are his wife, not his mother.

      While you’re backing off, use that extra time to do something for you instead of dwelling on his lack of motivation. If every time he talks to you, you’re about to go to/are just coming back from, a concert in the park/drinks with great new Town A friends/hiking on extensive trails on outskirts of Town A/etc, you may inspire him more effectively than all the proofreading in the world.

    • anonforthis

      Every couple is different and you have to find what works for you, but FWIW, I moved to the middle of nowhere because there are obligations that keep my husband there. Admittedly I was unemployed at the time already, but now I commute an hour away. I miss living in my old city terribly but we will move to the city where I now work when his obligations are over (there is a finite deadline although it is a few years away). That’s what it was going to take for us to be together so I sucked it up and did it (and I don’t guilt trip him about it unless he tries to back out of plans we’ve made to see my friends or family in my old city :)).

    • Ginjury

      This is a really tough situation to be in. It sounds like there are two possibilities here. 1) DH no longer wants to move to Town A or 2) DH isn’t willing to act like he’s your husband in the way that you need him to. One or both of these could be fueling his recent actions. If it’s just that he doesn’t want to move, that may be more easily resolved, depending on your situation and willingness to move to Town B. It does concern me that, if this is the case, he wasn’t willing to talk to you about it and wasn’t willing to put your marriage before his desire to stay in Town B. If it’s 2 though, you two need to get yourselves to counseling ASAP. Before you make any decisions, like leaving your job to move back to Town B, really evaluate how much DH wants to be a part of the marriage and act like it.

    • Senior Attorney

      I am so sorry to hear this! I can see how heartbreaking it is for you!

      I agree with the many other posters who have said it sounds like your husband just plain doesn’t want to move to Town A. And also that it is time for you to stop doing any job search chores for him. That is his job, not yours.

      I would also suggest that you consider getting some individual counseling to explore why you have been willing to put up with this for so long, and what your wants and needs and options really are going forward.

      And I’m sending more big hugs and wine and chocolate from the Left Coast!

    • anon

      I’m sorry — this sounds like a very tough situation. I think the answer to your question “how do I get him to get off his @ss” is that you can’t. You can’t change him, and there’s nothing you can say that will magically make him want to do the things you want him to do, if he doesn’t want to do them. He is an adult, and he is making clear choices that should tell you something about him. You can wear yourself out physically and emotionally trying as hard as you can, but if he is refusing to participate in the process or in your marriage, there’s really nothing you can do. I would have an open and honest discussion with him and determine if you are on the same page in terms of how you see your marriage, what the future holds, where you want to live, etc. From what you write, it does not sound like you are facing the same direction, as a team, toward your future. I also suggest counseling.

    • Anon28

      I have not read any other posts from you so I don’t know the complete context…but myself and my husband lived apart for 1.5 years. First 6 months, he could really not move for visa related issues…after that he didn’t move because he wanted to be loyal to his manager who kind of held his job for him till he could fix visa issues..He said he wants to work for his manager for at least 6 months..I tolerated this as well convincing myself that doesn’t want to burn bridges..Next 6 months…he was just pure lazy to find a job..I didn’t go to the extent of writing his resume etc..he had to do that..but I was so frustrated during this time..He finally moved when he got laid off from his job…which was after 1.5 years of our marriage..It was difficult for me at that time..but I don’t remember it much now… :-) So your frustrations too may go away once he moves and you may not feel like it was a big deal at all when you look back…

    • Samantha

      I share everyone’s shock that you write his resume and send his apps for him.

      One thing I didn’t see mentioned however. You wanted him to “discuss” with you before going on the rafting trip. To me that language in your post this morning reads “ask me permission”. If my husband said something along those lines to me (and granted I’m kind of a teenager like that, hate the semblance of asking anyone’s permission for anything) I would react badly.
      Especially if he’s been doing these types of adventure trips pre-marriage, always having to “run things by you” may come off as a bit controlling.

      The way to deal with this is very subtly and to emphasize your *worry* rather than your disapproval. And that way he can reassure you, and go about doing the scary (to you) things he likes to do.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        +1 to this (and a better-said version of what I was trying to convey this morning).

        My H and I struggled with this a bit at first when we started living together – it took a couple of conversations along the lines of “I’m not trying to monitor or control you, I just live with you and love you and would like to know if you’re not going to be home at the usual time,” plus lots of thank yous/positive reinforcement when he did remember to keep me updated before the courtesy check-in thing became a habit.

    • Lady Enginerd

      I just want to point out explicitly something that other posters have been hinting at, because I have been there. I apologize for being blunt. Here’s what you say “So, aside from telling me to leave him, which I am NOT going to do and am not thinking about…”

      His reluctance to join your lives as husband and wife might be a part of HIM leaving YOU and he doesn’t know how to tell you. He drags his feet at moving to your city and is trying to make is your fault. He’s rebelling against the common courtesy of telling you where he’s going to be for the weekend. You are ashamed of the way he is treating you, so he

      It has been forYou two need couples counseling.

      • Lady Enginerd

        Prematurely posted…
        To finish, You are ashamed of the way He is treating You. To me, this means that in your gut you know that this is wrong.

        It has been forever since I posted here, but I was dumped by a finance who pulled the same stunts distancing himself from working as a team and starting to act as Team Ex instead of Team Us. Your post hits home in so many ways for me, and I can’t urge you enough to find a reputable couples counselor and/or individual counseling.

        If I am off base I so very much apologize for projecting-reading your post made me feel socked in the gut. I am rooting for you to find happiness. Even if you try your very hardest, you might not be able to fix his behavior – not just about the job search/move to your town, but also about his commitment to Team Us. Just remember that if it can’t be fixed, that doesn’t mean it is your fault.

      • pickle

        Also, it’s possible that he has some aspect of his identity intrinsically linked to Town B that could be discussed and addressed in counseling.

        (Take this with a grain of salt because I do not have any positive experience with positive this issue. I broke up with an ex who had promised to move in with me for two years but kept putting it off another x months. I believed him and stuck it out two years. The tipping point was his excitement about switching apartments to live with a close friend instead of with me.)

    • pickle

      Is Town B husband depressed or does he have anxiety about moving? Has he moved before?

    • Regina Phalange

      When I read that he wanted a cheerleader, what I heard him saying is “I feel like you don’t support me.” Obviously OP is doing what she can to support her husband, but for whatever reason it sounds like he doesn’t feel supported. Maybe they can talk about that. With respect to my husband, I think he would feel emasculated if I was doing so much for him and he would rather hear words of encouragement (to look for an awesome job) and praise (when he has made progress). So I agree with stopping on the cover letters and resume.

      For many men, respect from their wife is just as important as love from his wife (and for many on this board, I expect the feeling is mutual). If he doesn’t think that OP respects his career choices and needs, he is going to feel beaten down, which could unmotivate him.

      Of course, I understand that OP is sad and angry and she has a right to be. It sounds like OP and the husband need to have a good, honest conversation about what they need from each other and how they can each work to fill their needs. Based on very limited information, it sounds like OP needs to know that her husband wants to move to Town A and will take steps to do so; and that that her husband needs to feel supported and that his career choices are respected.

      I may be projecting a bit here as I was in a long distance marriage for 2 years. I was also getting frustrated that my husband didn’t seem to be doing much to get us in the same town (although the situation was not as dire as OP’s). But, I came to realize that my husband felt a bit intimidated by my awesome job, he wanted an awesome job too (which he was totally qualified for). He felt like I was just asking him to settle for anything so that we could be together quickly, but he wanted to find something that fit his skills and didn’t leave us totally relying on my income. In the end it all worked out, but it was definitely tough in the interim. (I’ll also warn OP that there is an adjustment period after you move back in together. When you’re used to having your own space the relationship dynamic can change a bit when you live in the same space.)

    • Ge...

      Sounds like you’d be doing him a favor by leaving him. Geez, you’re writing his resume. C’mon. on. And his cover letters!? Something’s very wrong here. It’s over.

  10. Anon

    Recommendations please! I will be in Phoenix next weekend with my husband and small children. Our hotel is downtown and we need to stay in that area. Any recommendations for fun things to do and places to eat nearby?

    My last comment got stuck in moderation, so sorry if this posts twice.

  11. AwkwardSituations

    I need some advice! Last year I was in an internship program where a bunch of different workplaces got an intern and then the interns would do special professional developement classes together every couple of weeks. It was an amazing experience, and I learned a lot, not just from my workplace but also from all of the classes, mentors, and minds we were given to pick. As such, I have recommended many of my friends to apply for the same internship program for this upcoming summer. I am graduating and am getting hired on by the people that I interned for, which I am very excited about. However, several of my friends have applied to the same place that is hiring me, and under my job description I would be the boss of the intern. At what point do I need to say something to my future employer if at all? A few of these friends are not just casual friends but people who I have either lived with or are very close friends. A couple of them would be amazing for this specific job, putting aside my personal feelings towards them. Also many of them have interest in the same field that I am going into and only a few of the internship positions were in this specific field which is why they applied. I just don’t want to be perpetually seen as the intern, which I am already a little apprehensive about and if they get the internship I can’t see it being good for that impression. Thanks in advance for any advice!

    • Bonnie

      I don’t think you need to say anything. In hiring the new interns, your employer will notice if they’re from the same school as you.

    • CHL

      Are you going to be involved in selecting the interns? If you know the candidates, you should definitely tell someone, or it’s going to come out and could be detrimental to both of your reputations. That said, I think it’s a really good thing for your employer to hear that you thought the program was so great that you recommended it to several others. Just stay away from anything that makes it seem like favoritism towards your buddies.

    • poppy

      Work hard to impress your bosses. Don’t worry that your friend is an intern, but don’t let your friendship get in the way of your work.

    • LAnon

      I don’t think you need to say anything in advance, although if you are asked, be honest. If you really feel someone would be a good fit, feel free to say “Actually, I know XYZ quite well from our time at school, and I think she’d do a great job.” if you are asked about them. (I wouldn’t be too pushy about getting them the position, so maybe don’t speak up on their behalf if no one asks.) If they liked you well enough to hire you, they will respect your opinion about who would work well in the position – and they know you know the intern program well.

      I would be careful if/when your friends do get hired about being too friendly / casual at work. You don’t have to be stiff or unnatural around them, but if you’re always hanging out with the interns (grabbing lunch, going out after work, etc), it will seem like you’re still an intern. So that will be an area you’ll have to navigate.

      • Lawver

        I don’t think you /have/ to mention that you know them unless you’re involved in the hiring.

        I disagree a bit about not mentioning them at all, if not asked & you’re not making the hiring decision. Many employers give preference to referrals, and it’s normal (and not seen as favoritism) to recommend your friends if you feel comfortable vouching for them/you’re familiar with their skills/work ethic. I have been referred by friends/former colleagues to their employers, and have referred colleagues to my own employer; it is valuable for the employer to know that someone they trust is familiar with an applicant. If you do want to help them get the internship – shoot a quick email to the hiring coordinator saying: “Dear JKL, I did this internship supervised by Ms. SDF, and will be joining you soon – just wanted to let you know that my colleagues from ABC school named x, y, and z are applying. I think x has these great skills and I know everyone would get along with y (insert good things you have to say that are related to the job). I hope this is helpful and please let me know if I can answer any other questions you might have about these candidates before making a hiring decision- I’m happy to help.” etc

        • Lawver

          As for hanging out with your friends while you are their boss for lunches etc, you might include other interns in the lunch invites. Then it would be seen more as mentorship/trust-building than playing favorites.

  12. WJM-TV

    Hi all,

    I’m looking to up my participation in networking (I’m a definite homebody), since I hope to make a job change within the year. So far, I’ve got the goal of 2 events/panels/receptions each week and increasing that to 3 eventually. I know I should follow-up with anybody I meet and “connect” with. Any other tips on getting out there? I’m in the DC area, so if you have ideas — I’d appreciate them.

    • Anne Shirley

      2-3 a week?!? That sounds crazy over ambitious to this homebody. How about 2-3 a month, plus 2-3 follow-ups with connections you’ve made (email, coffee, sending them an article of interest ).

      • Edna

        2-3 a week sounds overly ambitious even to somebody who is not a homebody. In order to properly follow-up, I’d stick to one a week or a few events a month. You can leave time available for one-on-one coffees or informational interviews that might transpire after attending the other larger events.

    • Shay-La

      I think 2-3 a week might be overkill, but if your starting from scratch and hoping to make a change within a year, maybe that is what it will take? Though, I’d keep in mind the old adage, “Quality over Quantity” and such…

    • zora

      I subscribe to the philosophy of Baby Steps. Starting with 2 a week would be too much for me already, I would never actually follow through on that. I think you need to start with 1. I will do 1 this month. Once I’ve done one, I will set a timeline to do 2 the next time.

      And yes, a # of contacts you will followup with per month. like 2-3. Sometimes once you get started you will do more, but setting the goal too high is a recipe for failure for me every. time. Now that I’ve learned baby steps, things are so different.

    • Wildkitten

      I’m a crazy extrovert and I love to network (look! new friends!) and I can only do one a week.

    • Silvercurls

      The Jewish Social Service Agency offers free networking sessions and not-free workshops in Rockville, MD, NoVA, and occasionally also at area libraries. Check their web site: www(dot)jssa(dot)org ; click on “Employment.” FYI they offer income-based sliding fee scale and you don’t have to be Jewish to go to them.

      Another attendee at a JSSA workshop told me about McLean Bible Church in Vienna, VA. Apparently they run Career Networking Ministry (CHM) to help people in the community who are looking for work. A large crowd attends their regular meetings (weekly, I think?) where volunteers offer job-seekers workshops, resume review services, and even interview suits if necessary. They also have groups on Meetup and LinkedIn. I haven’t participated myself, so I can’t offer any direct observations.

      There’s a group called 40 Plus which helps 40+ professionals to help each other. It looked both intense and expensive, plus not a good fit for me, so I didn’t pursue it further.

      You probably already know this, but networking can happen within any group to which you belong: bowling league, book club, congregation (not pushing religion! just listing a resource), political party…

      Good luck! I hope you find something satisfactory.

  13. Anon

    I got a FB message from one of my FB friends who just moved back to my town suggesting that we get our babies together for a play date. I don’t want to be rude and not respond to the message, but I don’t want to do a play date with this person I hardly know. I’m back at work full time now and it is all I can do to keep the house up and running when I’m at home.

    I am having such a hard time crafting a response to this, can someone help?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      “Thanks for your message, I’m actually really busy right now, but I’ll let you know if that changes.”

      Additionally, if you happen to know of a good resource for playgroups, mothers’ groups, etc., you might want to throw in an “Also, the Library/the Y/Gymboree/the community center runs excellent play groups that you might want to check out.”

      She’s probably reaching out because she’s looking for new local mom-friends, and noticed you have kids the same age. If you can point her to other resources to fill that gap, I’d imagine she’d be grateful.

      • R

        And if you want to keep the door open for potential playdates (and it’s okay if you don’t), you can say something like “I’ve heard the Library has playdates every weekend, but I haven’t been able to go. If you check it out, let me know how you like it!” Then at some point in the future, you can suggest the library as a playdate. It might be a little less frustrating if you know it’ll be several people there, not just the two of you.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      Honestly, I’d try to get together for something short. She’s new in town and it sounds like she’s trying to reach out and make some new friends. I hear you on how exhausting it is when you go back to work, but I’ve always found that despite my preference for hanging out at home, when I’ve made the effort to set up a play date I’m usually glad I did. Also, if this is your first child you may find that as they get older you will really appreciate having a few friends with kids going through the same stages. If you ever need emergency help friends with similar-aged kids who already kind of know your kid can be a godsend!

      Having said all that, if you are just too exhausted now but feel like you might be up for something in a few weeks/months, I’d respond with something like “thanks for reaching out, I would love to get together sometime but I’m just completely overwhelmed right now, can we do something next month?”

      • anon

        Yeah, I think it’s a little harsh to automatically reject her. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a network of friends already, especially if they are new in town. Maybe just give her a rain check for when life is less hectic. Who knows? Maybe someday YOU could use a friend like her.

    • Anon

      I wwuld just say something like “That sounds like fun, but I’m back at work now and can’t really commit to anything since we are still figuiring things out (or whatever. . . ). But it is nice to hear from you and [her kid’s name] is so cute! Hope you are doing well!”

      I would also add in something like “I will try and let you know when things settle down and maybe we can figure something out” If you think you would like to get together at some point maybe when the kids are older. And I would also recommend a place for her to check out that you liked going to with your child, since she just moved back. But those are just things I would try to add in.

    • OP

      Thanks for the help. I actually ended up responding that she should suggest some dates and we’ll try to get together at one of the parks near my house. Because…it’s hard enough to make friends at this stage in life…one play date doesn’t mean we have to be BFFs for life.

      Just hoping that eventually we get some spring weather on a weekend. ARRRgh winter!!

      • Hermione

        I’m so glad to see your response! I was projecting and feeling sorry for your friend. You never know – if she’s bold enough to reach out to a remote Facebook connection, she may end up being the center of a new circle of friends that you can join.

    • poppy

      I would schedule something short and go. Meet her at the library/park/wherever at 11 on a Saturday and then have the excuse that you need to get LO home for lunch at noon. Try to put yourself in her situation. She is new (or new again?) to town. Your stress is that you are super busy. Hers may be that she is lonely. Your going will not take away time from your child. If you don’t like her, don’t go again. But you may actually enjoy it, and you will be doing something kind by accepting her invitation.

      • Silvercurls

        “…you will be doing something kind by accepting her invitation.”
        +1,000! Good observation. The world needs more kindness. Anon–I don’t mean “be kind to the point of self-destruction,” but it’s great to do this when you can manage it without causing yourself enormous distress. Sorry if I’m preaching–gah!–was just trying to jump up and down in happy support of poppy’s comment.

  14. Lawyer with ADHD

    What do other attorneys use to track their projects?

    I am a young attorney and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I desperately need to get a project tracking system in place and it needs to be visual and easy to update and use. I will probably need to be able to print it out (because of the visual thing). I would really appreciate some ideas because I’m fresh out!

    Also, are there any other attorneys with ADHD out there? Do you have any suggestions or tips for me? No one in my family has ever been diagnosed with this, so it is a very new experience for me.

    • zora

      not a lawyer, but check out the book ADD-friendly Ways to Organize Your Life by Kohlberg. It’s even laid out visually in a way that is much easier for me to follow and absorb as an ADD person. I have had it forever and it made a huge difference in helping me structure my life around my ADD as an adult, and be able to get off meds post-college. I still go back to it all the time. It is very practical and helpful. for me, it’s really been about just creating the habit of creating LOTS of structure for myself, now it’s mostly second nature and I don’t feel like being ADD gets in my way anymore. You can do it!! ;o)

    • Matilda

      I am an attorney with ADHD, diagnosed a couple of years ago. I’m still working on strategies, but here are the things I’ve found:
      (1) Get yourself an ADHD coach. Basically, this is just a therapist who specializes in ADD, and can help you develop some specific strategies. I found mine through google, but you might ask around locally for recommendations.

      (2) Try different things. For a while, I kept a standing file on my desk, with a folder for each active case I was working on. That worked for me for several months. Then I switched to to-do lists. I keep them on clipboards hanging on my wall, for the visual aspect. I’ve also tried some different iPad apps, but haven’t found those as effective. If you try something and it just doesn’t work for you, move on to the next strategy or trick. For example, I know a lot of people who really like the Outlook task list, but it just doesn’t work for me. Don’t be afraid to switch it up till you find what works.

      (3) One thing that has worked really well for me: at the beginning of each week, I sit down with a list of all my active projects or cases and figure out what needs to do get done with each. Personally, I try to get in a bit early Monday morning with a nice breakfast or cup of coffee so I can do this as a pleasant ritual. I put deadlines on each item. Then I look at my calendar for the week and try to block out when I’m going to do each of the items. That helps me budget my time much better (and know what I’m supposed to be doing).

      (4) Get more sleep. Apparently that is a HUGE issue for ADHD folks — sleep deprivation makes everything worse. I actually have to set an alarm for myself that is my GTFTS alarm, to remind me that I need to stop what I’m doing and get ready for bed. (I also have a “get-ready-for-work” alarm in the mornings.

      (5) If you have an assistant and you’re comfortable doing so, you might want to tell her about your diagnosis. My assistant has been very open to trying out new strategies for handling projects, mail, etc.

      (6) Be patient with yourself!

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this — it’s so very frustrating. If it’s any comfort, apparently the law draws lots of folks with ADHD, so you aren’t alone. My jurisdiction has actually done CLEs on practicing law with ADHD, which is an indicator of how common a problem it is.

      If I think of other strategies over the weekend, I’ll let you know!

      • Anonymous

        omg YES SLEEP!!!!
        Srsly, I clearly need a minimum of 9 hours, not 8, to feel like I can be functional. And getting too little sleep has WAY more of an effect on ADD brains than other brains. So, if you’re feeling stressed and a mess, just focus on getting to bed early and getting a lot of sleep for a couple of nights before you have a freak out. This is something I still have to remind myself on a regular basis.

      • Scout

        Big thank you Matilda! These are some great strategies and I will be trying this out as well.

        OP, I’m a new attorney as well and struggle with ADHD. I’ve been trying out different organizational strategies. Recently I made an excel spreadsheet with all my files and the files that I work on for the senior attorneys. I color coordinate them according to priority and try to include “due dates” whether they be aspirational or real and include a brief next step task that needs to be accomplished. I get into work early in the morning before everyone else and then go through my list see what needs to get done today and delegate to myself accordingly. So I know if it’s red this has got to be done first & blue it’s waiting on someone’s desk to be reviewed. I also include the date that I last did work the file so I don’t hyper focus on one project that I love and then avoid/procrastinate on the others.

        But it’s been a struggle and my system certainly isn’t perfect.

      • anon

        Creating a GTFTS alarm now…what a great idea!

        While I second the pleasant morning to-do list, don’t let yourself hone in on that for too long (as might be the case if you are on anything to help with your ADD/ADHD)- I set another alarm for “ok, time to start work!” otherwise I’d be making lists all day long.

    • Anon

      I use tasks in outlook and I keep a word document where I update what has been done and what needs to be done. Others in my office keep an excel spreadsheet.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I use the Outlook categories function to color-code my emails by case (makes it easier to find things when I need them), and use the “flag for follow-up” function for anything that needs to be done. Then I sort my inbox by “flag status”, and all of my to-dos are right on top of my inbox. If I’m given a task verbally or in a meeting or something, I immediately send myself an e-mail explaining the task, and then flag my email to self for follow-up.

      (I realize it sounds convoluted when I type it out, but it’s actually really simple to do and it’s the only thing that’s worked for me, after trying countless versions of task manager programs, to-do lists, etc.)

    • anonsg

      I use toggl and teamweek, even though they are typically used for projects with teams with everyone on the same platform. I use teamweek to colorcode and spread out what I’m going to do for the week and on which day, with approximate hours I think I will spend for each one so that I don’t try to do too much in one day. You can drag out a project over many days (so I often have “draft” as my task for a project, stretched over 2 days for a predicted number of hours, like 10) and you can drag and drop them all over the week (or weeks). I use toggl to track my actual hours. You can sync them so the same projects are listed on each site. Hope this might help!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m another attorney with ADD. Just want you to know you are not alone. I heard of another state starting a lawyer assistance program group for lawyers with ADD but my state doesn’t have one yet to the best of my knowledge.

      For me, the biggest thing is having an amazing assistant and firm with good policies and procedures. Document comes in the door, it is scanned, put in e-file and calendared. My firm practice calendar has all my deadlines and ticklers and commitments. My outlook has some key deadlines and all out off office or in office appointments. I also have a paper calendar where I keep all my appointments and drop dead major deadlines.

      Almost all of our cases have 2 attorneys staffed on them for risk management purposes. One may really take a back seat and just see pleadings come and go and deadlines on calendars. But, it is still another person getting “tickled” that will check in to make sure you are doing that project.

      My assistant also prints me a list at the start of each month that has all my deadlines for that month and the next month. That helps me make sure I don’t miss something.

      I use yellow notepads. When one is full I go on to the next. I write down notes for each phone call, meeting, assignment, etc. After I have done my billing entries and completed the tasks in that pad it goes to my assistant for the pages to be filed in the correct case files.

      We have a bar book that is like the yellow pages for lawyers. It also has a notebook page for each day of the year. I use those to make very short term to do lists. Like what do I want to get done today at the start of each day.

      If there is something I have to remember to do in the next day or so and I’m really worried I will forget it goes on a post it note on my computer screen.

      I set my outlook to bcc me on every email that goes out. That helps me with my billing. Once my billing is done, that email goes in my electronic case file for each case that I keep in Outlook. I do the bcc thing so that I still have an intact “sent” box if need to see what I was doing at a specific day or time in the future.

      I use Manic Time to track everything I do to help with my billing.

      My biggest issue is staying focused on my work and not tempted by other fun distractions.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I also flag stuff in outlook I haven’t done yet. Once it is done, I check it off. It lives in outlook until I do my billing entry then it moves as I said above.

        I also have a one minute delay on my outbox so when I catch an error right after I send something I can catch it before it leaves my outbox and fix it.

      • Anon

        Not the OP, but just wanted to thank everyone for the thoughtful responses. Also an ADD attorney who struggles with all of this. So, so helpful to know how others are doing it.

  15. Mountain Girl

    Can I wear a pencil skirt and blouse to my nephew’s wedding? The wedding will be outside in the south in the late spring/early summer. I actually don’t own any dresses but wear a skirt to work every day. I’m not opposed to getting a dress but if I can make a skirt work all the better.

    • Terry

      I wouldn’t. It’s one of the tragedies of women’s clothing professional and social clothing often aren’t the same. Your proposed outfit sounds great for work but too business-like for a festive, social occasion. Maybe instead of a dress you could get a fancy shirt to wear with your skirt? I’m thinking shiny, low-cut, etc. Something that’s not office appropriate but is date-night appropriate.

    • Bonnie

      I think a typical business skirt would look odd at a wedding. If you have a dressier skirt, you could get away with it if you wore a more dressy top (not something that you’d wear to work).

    • M

      I think it could be done with the right blouse/accessories/shoes; however, unless you have some fun choices on hand to work with, you will probably have to go shopping. IMHO, if you are going to have to buy something, it might as well be a dress.

    • emeralds

      I think you can wear a skirt with a festive top. Probably not like, a pinstripe skirt or something that clearly reads suiting material, but if you have something in black or navy, I think you could make it work.

    • Lawver

      Skirt and blouse is a classic look. It’s Two Thousand Fourteen. Wear nice pants if you want to.

    • Ruby

      I don’t think the other responders are aware, but in the south in some places, it is the norm to wear what I call an “easter suit.” I once wore a black dress to one in South Carolina and everyone else was in pastel 2-piece suits. So yes, I think you can wear the pencil skirt. And something to cover shoulders.

    • ADHD Attorney

      My neurologist who I was visiting for sleep apnea mentioned that I should get tested after I complained about still not being able to focus. Prior to being diagnosed with the sleep apnea, my doctor spent 2 years insisting I had depression and anxiety, but it didn’t respond to treatment. I felt more upbeat on depression/anxiety medications but did not actually get more done — I wasn’t more productive and then I started falling asleep at random times. The sleep apnea treatment really helped my energy levels (and the odd falling asleep) and I started generally physically feeling fine, but I still couldn’t focus on anything I wasn’t interested in and if I was interested I would often hyper focus and lose time.

      My psychologist told me that some people with mild to moderate ADD or ADHD grow up in households where they learn good coping mechanisms and the symptoms then aren’t caught in childhood. Then, as an adult, a challenge presents itself (for me, undiagnosed sleep apnea for 10-15 years plus starting to practice law) and the prior coping mechanisms aren’t enough. Then the ADD/ADHD that was always there rears its ugly head and really creates havoc. This is especially common in women because we tend to have ADD-inattentive (which means ADHD but without hyperactivity) or figure out socially allowed ways to deal with the hyper activity (go to the bathroom or volunteer to do an errand for the teacher) so our symptoms are missed during childhood.

      If you are female and aren’t responding to depression and anxiety treatments for a “diagnosis” or don’t feel that is the root cause of your problems then I highly recommend a sleep study and, if your largest complaint is focus, being evaluated for ADD/ADHD. Both are commonly misdiagnosed in women as depression/anxiety. Additionally, with untreated ADD/ADHD a lot of people become anxious/depressed because they cannot do things they really want to do and that causes strain on their relationships and work/career. When your home and work life are falling apart because of your ADD/ADHD of course you will be anxious and a little depressed!

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I’m the same minus the depression. I had sleep apnea too. My ADD doc is the one that helped me get the sleep apnea diagnosed. I previously had jobs where my ADD was actually an asset. Not so when trying to work 10+ hours a day at a desk as an attorney.

        I also had been to therapy for anxiety and had a prescription for situational use. I learned after starting meds for my ADD that a ton of my anxiety was from the ADD instead – long plane rides, long car rides, that sort of thing.

        I got treatment after I started loading the dishwasher with the dirty dishes while in the middle of emptying the dishwasher of the clean dishes. That was just the straw that broke the camels back for me. My husband is also very glad I treated it. I interrupt less. I don’t dominate stories in groups as much. I can wait my turn. I don’t fidget as much or tap my feet as much. I don’t have to be doing three things at once to feel normal.

        I still absolutely hyperfocus though. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad, like when I forget to go to sleep.

  17. Shay-La

    Thank you PolyD, Terry, anon-oh-no, Susedna, Anonanon for changing my life for the better… Trader Joes Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter cups are amazing. And, I’m already out after buying my first tub Tuesday night.

  18. Portland, OR recs?

    Anyone have recommendations for things to do & eat in Portland? I’m particularly interested in dinner recommendations, since Yelp and friends have yielded lots of brunch and dessert recommendations and less dinner places. We’re staying downtown, so places near there or accessible by public transit are a plus, but we’ll take a cab for a great meal.

    • Anonattorney

      AIIEEE!!! Yes, do I have recs.

      Restaurants downtown for dinner: Tasy N Alder (NW), Gruner (Scandinavian), Clyde Common (often gets listed on national lists for its bar program), Imperial (American), Mucca Osteria (Italian), Little Bird. All of those places are fun for a nice dinner. If you are looking for specific cuisine, let me know and I can narrow down.

      For lunches or cheaper eats, check out the food cart pod clustered between 9th and 10th on Alder. Also try Lardo (amazing sandwiches) or Portland Penny Diner (amazing BLT).

      Great bar: Multnomah Whiskey Library. It’s really hard to get into, but you can put your name in and they will call you when seats open up.

      There are tons of great restaurants outside of downtown that are a short cab ride away. On SE Division Street, the hottest restaurant strip, there is Pok Pok (Thai), Ava Gene’s (modern Italian), Roe (seafood), Bollywood Theater (Indian), and the Woodsman Tavern (NW).

        • PDX Anon

          +1 on Willamette Week, food cart pod on Alder (also PB&J cart on SE Hawthorne), and Lardo. I like Roma Restaurante better than Mucca for Italian but it depends on your preferred style. I highly recommend Bijou Café for breakfast, I know you have a lot of breakfast recommendations but I am a local and it is my favorite place in town — even over Mothers, Pine State, Tasty & Sons, etc. If you don’t want to wait for a table, sit at the counter — it is open seating.

          I would figure out where to go by location of your other activities. Portland is very walkable with your walking shoes and an umbrella or rain jacket, so walking to SE Hawthorne from downtown is doable and while shopping you can find great food in every neighborhood.

          Finally, ask the concierge or valets at your hotel. The valets especially will know where good cheap eats are for your expected location. Everyone in Portland is a foodie or understands foodies, so there is zero risk your valet is going to recommend Subway.

          • Anonattorney

            Except that I would add that your concierge will certainly recommend Jake’s and you SHOULD NOT GO. People think it’s a Portland Institution, but it’s overrated and extremely underwhelming. Also, don’t go to Dan and Louis’ Oyster Bar.

      • zora

        Also, from downtown you can catch the 4 bus, which goes straight down Division and only takes about 10 minutes to get there. the buses in portland are safe and clean and very nice.

      • Edna

        + 1 for Gruner (although it is German, not Scandinavian).

        Also, a close walk/bus ride from downtown are: Le Pigeon, Olympic Provisions, and Biwa.

        There are so many fantastic restaurants in PDX that the difficulty will probably be in deciding where to go from among all the recommendations.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m completely jealous. I miss Portland but have no dates on the books for an Oregon trip right now. No recs since I haven’t lived there in years, but have fun!

    • PDX !!

      Yes. Try the restaurants Lincoln (on North Williams) and Meriwether (on NW Vaughn). A new place where I haven’t actually been but started by someone I know from hs is Huckleberry Pub just off of NW 23rd — friends who have been are impressed.Lucky Lab brewpubs are pretty typically Portland (and tasty even if not super new/trendy). For really good pho (very very casual though), try Pho Hung on SE Powell. Also try the tasting room at Clear Creek Distillery on NW Wilson (for fun, not for food).

      • Anon for this

        I guarantee I know you: I, too, know the owner of Huckleberry Pub, because I also went to the same school. Portland is so small.

        • blaisy

          I figured I was probably outing myself, but it looks like such a great place hard not to mention it!

          • blaisy/PDX !!

            Whoops same person, just writing from a different computer with a different stored name.

    • Portlander (Currently away from PDX)

      Former Portlander here, most recently in town in August so might be a little out of date. I’d recommend Andina, which is probably walking distance of where you’re staying, depending on the hour of night! Also, I’m a huge fan of Zilla Sake House on Alberta, which is across the river but very accessible. They have a wonderful sake list and typically also serve some very pleasant food.

    • Portland, OR recs?

      Thanks everyone! Yes I think the hard part will be figuring out where to go from all the recommended places, especially since we’re just coming up from California for a quick weekend trip. I’ve never been to Portland but from everything I’ve heard its a great city and I’m really excited to check it out.

      • Anon

        Park kitchen is my oldie (well not that oldie) but goody favorite. From pdx and haven’t lived there for awhile, so a lot of hot superstar restaurants have risen since then, but it’s always my standby to visit when I’m in town. Good bartenders, walking distance from downtown, and somewhat near other destination spots like Powells bookstore (like none other!) to boot.
        Another old fav is Le Happy for late night drinks + crepes.
        And The Meadow is one of my fav stores. Salts + chocolate + flowers + wine specialty store = heaven. Their selection of weird bitters is fun too.

  19. Nati

    Has anyone ever tried Pai skincare?

    http://usa.paiskincare.com/

    It’s out of the UK – all of their products are organic, unfragranced, and target those with sensitive skin.

    At first glance, these products seem out of my price range for what they are (ie. none of them contain really high tech ingredients, at least not to my untrained eye). However, if they’re really a miracle for sensitive skin I might change my mind about the price. They have a 30-day money back guarantee but it looks like you can only use that for one product in your order. I still might purchase a few things…strategically, in that case.

    I’m interested in hearing opinions if anyone has tried or uses this brand.

    • anon

      I use this brand and love it. I use the rosehip oil (its the most concentrated on the market (better than Trilogoy which is the other higher-end version) and my skin loves it – its a natural Retin A so I had to stop using it when pregnant but can’t wait to start again), the gentle cleanser, and the avocado face cream.

      But I’m European and find that American’s really prefer to strip oil from their face so I can’t use most American skin care products (like Olay, Neutrogena (US version not French version), Clarisol, etc.) – they are just way too harsh for me. I follow a totally European skincare philosophy – lots of fish oil, gentle products, letting my skin create its own oils and texture. I also use the hand cream (which I don’t think is worth the money but I hate scented creams and find its worth it for me to have an unscented cream at night), the body cream and the stretch mark system.

      My guess is that if you like Perricone MD or Estee Lauder products, you will probably like Pai. If you are more of a Clinique or Nuetrogena person who loves that “Squeaky clean” feeling, you probably won’t find it worth it. I think it is very well priced for the quality – its my standby “broke” month skincare line. If you want something similar but easier to access as not from Europe, REN skincare is carried at Sephora and is pretty similar.

      I find with skincare that some people skimp and others splurge – I’m def in the Caroline Hiron’s “You only have one face” camp and don’t mind spending on quality products that actually make a huge difference for my skin. I think skincare is really about finding what makes a difference for your skin – my skin responds pretty well to Omegas so I love Pai and Perricone because the lotions are chock full of basically fish-oil and don’t strip away my natural oil. I have sensitive, acne-prone skin (PCOS) and find that omega’s and oil protocol really keep the inflammation down.

      Other brands that are pretty similar that may be easier to access in the US are Micheal Todd’s organics, Aurelia, Tata Harper or Clarins have some really great products (like the Blue oil). (Can you tell I’m kind of a skin care junkie!?)

      • anon

        Oh Yeah, and Malin and Goetz for sensitive skin body products. I’ve actually had really good luck with Fresh for body wash too (I wasn’t too impressed with their skincare although its okay and I would use the tea cream in a pinch).

      • Nati

        Wow, thanks for such a detailed response!

        It’s funny that you mention Clinique because I share the exact same skincare philosophy as you and all of my current products are from them! I have had success with their gentlest products – the alcohol free toner, the cleansing balm, and their extra mild, non-foaming cleanser. But I know that Clinique is tested on animals (because they sell to China, whether or not they test specifically for the American market is irrelevant), so I’ve been looking for brands with ethics that make quality products. I’ve heard a lot about Pai.

        I notice that none of their moisturizers contain SPF – do you use one? If so, what brand would you recommend?

        • anon

          I use a separate SPF (I like SPF 50 for everyday use so most moisturizers+SPF just don’t cut it for me – I’m Scottish) – I think the brand is Nuetra Bisse (I get it from Net-a-porter). I also use the La Roche Posey primer with SPF in the summer. I really like both the La Roche Posey SPF fluid and cream and use both copiously in the summer. You can usually find LRP on Amazon easily and I think its very well priced. I cheap out on body, neck and decolletage SPF and just use the Neutrogena stuff for those areas.

          My morning routine is Pai gentle cleanser, Aveda lotion, and Pai Avocado moisturizer. Then I use either SPF or SPF + primer (Dior makes a really great one too!) and the makeup.

          If we share the same skincare philosophy, you may enjoy reading The Japanese Skincare Revolution and adopting some of her techniques. Saeki really focuses on moisture as the key part of skincare. I def noticed a difference when I started adding lotion to my routine (per her recommendation) Also you should really check out Caroline Hirons if you share this philosophy – she does beauty reviews of products and tells you what is/isn’t worth the $ at different skincare lines. Just google her!

          I’ve been recommended the Clinique balm before but I think I have just had such a bad experience at their counters where as soon as they see acne, they start throwing a bunch of weird acids at you that I have totally gone off the brand!

          • Nati

            Thanks again, Anon.

            I’m quite interested in certain SPF brands like Coola that specialize in physical sunscreens. I’m pale with rosacea and reactive reactive reactive. I’ve had really bad luck with my chemical SPF in the last little while.

            I love to read Caroline Hiron’s blog but find that most of her advice and top picks are much too harsh for my sensitive skin. I use her blog as entertainment more than anything, but do take her guidance in certain cases. It was from her site that I got the recommendation for Clinique’s balm and for their SPF 25/40 City Block- I love both and so do many of my friends. I do agree with you, though, that Clinique’s overall skincare line tends toward the harsh side.

            I made a Pai skincare order yesterday! I purchased the large size cleanser, the combination moisturizer, the rosehip oil, and the hydrating toner. How often do you use the rosehip oil? I notice that they recommend only 2-3 times per week for “normal” skin for their Age Confidence oil, but didn’t give any similar advice re: the rosehip.

          • Ruby

            My sunscreen for face of choice: Skinceuticals tinted. It is the best. Not cheap, but lasts a long time.

    • I am!

      I live in Omaha. I’m surprised to see another one of us here. Maybe there are other lurking. I comment under a handle semi-regularly but usually just lurk. :)

        • Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie

          Awesome! I don’t know why but I love running into other Omaha people online. I’ve never posted on a site where everyone is anonymous like this, I’m so used to commenting on blogs where everyone has pictures and links. It’s making me wonder if I should not be so public about who I am here? Haha

  21. Left Out Anon

    Complaint TJ
    So all the ladies in my office, with the exception of the intern and the admin assistant who sits at the front desk, went out for lunch to celebrate someone’s birthday, leaving me here in the office with the guys. I don’t suspect it was intentional, but that doesn’t mean Middle School Me doesn’t kinda feel like I was the only one not invited to the party. (No one said anything to me, but two of the guys were like, why aren’t you out to lunch with the rest of the women? Didn’t you know about it?) Ugh.

    • Anon

      This happens to me sometimes too. I also don’t think it is intentional, but it still hurts my feelings!

    • SD Girl

      I know how you feel. I used to work for a corporate group with all male attorneys and they would go to lunch together without inviting me. It made me feel so left out.

  22. Muddy Buddy

    So I learned a couple of days ago that national counsel for a case I’m on has requested that I travel to another state to help with a six week trial this fall. I have another six week trial a few weeks after that. I am incredibly excited, and it’s an amazing opportunity for me. I’m definitely going to do it. Now I’m just nervous about telling my husband. I know it’s the kind of thing ones spouse should be excited about, but I know he will be sad to know I’ll be gone for 12 weeks and then possibly that much longer in early 2015.

    I guess I’m not seeking advice bc I know I just have to tell him. Just commiseration from either side.

    • LizNYC

      While that sounds awesome, I can see your point. Maybe it’ll be good because hubby can visit and you’ll be getting to see new cities (at least for a few minutes/hours at a time? I’m not a lawyer / have no idea how involved these cases are).

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My only advice is to be prepared to find out your feelings and his feelings about this change over time. My husband is currently half way through a 6 week training program out of state. We have done similar things in the past, including an 18 week academy where he wasn’t even allowed a phone but could leave on the weekends. Where he is now, he doesn’t get to come home for the weekend (too far) but we can Facetime every night and text and email and stuff.

      Since we did so well with the previous trainings we thought this would be a piece of cake. Instead, I miss him so freaking much this time around. If I had known I would have felt this way, I would have tried to book a weekend trip out to where he is.

      Make clear to him that he has to tell you what he needs. For me, I needed more than a nightly good night phone call. I feel so much better getting a little text here and there throughout the day. A pic of a yummy dinner or of a funny quote he just heard. Things that keep us connected.

      He also has lots of cool stories while my day is still my mundane routine. I like hearing his stories but I know when the roles were reversed (we were long distance pre-marriage for a couple summers while I was near friends and family and he wasn’t) it was hard for him to hear about me having fun while he was bored away. Communication is key.

      I lamented that I was feeling pathetic missing him so much while he was somewhere safe and it was just six weeks and OMG how do the military spouses do it and I am just this silly needy girl now . . . and my husband made me feel better telling me about some of the other couples where he is. One wife actually rented an extended stay suite for three weeks to be near her husband. I’m assuming she doesn’t work or can work remotely or something.

      I also tried to look at the positive – after 9 years of marriage I still want him around! Congratulations by the way. This sounds like a great opportunity but I also understand the downside of being away from family.

      • Ruby

        agree, be proactive about the distance. my now ex was ‘fine’ with my 3 mo business travel until he decided he was lonely and resentful. then lots of other crap happened. anyway. next time in life i will try to be home in between trips, or make more effort to connect, etc. he even came to meet me in montreal at one point but it was still too much for him bored at home.

  23. salt

    I’m kind of wondering if my husband and I got married just because we were both a little desprate? He was recently divorced, and I had just moved to a small city in the midwest. Frankly, I had a really hard time meeting people (friends or dates) and was just so happy to have a friend to hang out with, and he kept asking me out. He was just so nice to me, which is something that I had not experienced in other relationships or seen in my parents’ pretty dysfunctional marriage. My husband still is very nice, and we’re good friends, but I can’t say that I ever really felt sparks, or went through any lovestruck phase–we just kind of started hanging out a lot. We haven’t ever had great LGP’s but we have a good time together. (this is painful to admit). I feel very little physical attraction to him right now, and am actually kind of repulsed. We have an infant and one on the way–i’m about 4 months pg. (I don’t know if the repulsion is because of the hormones or working through some childhood abuse issues/flashbacks that I disclosed pretty unexpectedly for the first time when I started going to a counselor regarding some post-partum depression/anxiety ). I guess I feel like I hadn’t ever had a normal relationship, and once I found someone who was not mean to me, I just jumped in, without caring about the attraction part. For the record, dh is very very good to me, contributes to the household, is a good dad, a good friend to me, etc, so I feel really guilty feeling this. I feel even worse because I’m being really distant to him, and i know that it hurts his feelings–he is now desparately doing nice things to try to cheer me up, which makes me feel even more guilty.

    It’s pretty disconcerting to feel this way. I have a close friend who is getting involved in a new relationship and is in the beginning/butterflies/over the moon phase, and (while I know it doesn’t last forever), it makes me think I missed out on a really important aspect of a relationship/marriage.

    I don’t know if I’m seeking advise or commiseration, just venting I guess.

    • Wildkitten

      Get therapy! Sounds like your DH is a good guy and you have some stuff you might want to work through.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1

        Sounds like you have a great thing going and are at risk of messing it up.

    • Samantha

      First, stop talking to that close friend for a while about the over the moon thing. It’s like Facebook – sometimes good to take breaks from other people’s so-special-and-wonderful lives, especially when we’re questioning ours.
      Second, you’re going through a Lot right now. Infant! 4 months pregnant! Working (I assume)! Post partum depression! Working through childhood issues in therapy!
      Gosh, just having an infant is so crazy and stressful and hormonal, I can’t imagine dealing with all of those at once.
      Please don’t make any decisions until things calm down and you can look at your life with a balanced view. In the meantime, get a cleaner, get a babysitter for your infant, get as much help as you can get, go for walks, meditate, relax, watch a movie, do whatever makes you feel good! Take care of yourself for a bit, get some rest and sleep and pampering and then you can think about your life with your husband and what you want.

      • Regular going anon for now

        +1 re Samantha’s good advice.
        Also wanted to tell you please don’t lose hope about improving your s*x life with DH. He sounds like a keeper in many ways. It seems like he really cares about you. Perhaps your physical reluctance is related to those recently uncovered childhood issues rather than being a direct response to him.

        There are ways to learn about yourself and what works for you. You can also tell DH what feels better or what doesn’t feel good. He’ll probably be glad to learn this information. The only lovers who know how to do everything right the first time are those in the movies.

        Believe in yourself. Be kind to yourself also. As Samantha said you’ve got a LOT going on now. And do your best to work through your childhood issues without having messy confrontations with other family members. This isn’t a question of guilt or shame. It’s common-sense self-care. You don’t need extra stress. Finally, remember that you are not defined by your bad experiences. You do not have to spend your life feeling like a suffering victim or like a recovering-former-victim. You can leave this entirely in the past and go forth and be happy and sometimes sad like anybody else.

    • Anon

      Also pregnant with #2 – i’ve been up and down hormone wise much more this time that before – maybe it’s the same for you. Marriage isn’t just love/lust it’s a partnership – I know that my DH is who I want to be with and I know what s*x will come and go — it was amazing in the beginning (like 3 times a day) but now, it’s just harder to keep the spark going. We both trust that it will get better again when we’re actually getting some sleep and I’m not dealing with pregnancy. But the main thing is that we’re able to talk about it and I haven’t told him but I make a conscious effort to make sure we have a physical connection every couple of days and a full LGP every week. I find that once we get started, I often get into it more than I expect. Sometimes I’m thinking about my fave celeb crush (never admit that to DH) but it gets me going and I’m with him so that’s the main thing. I find it really helps to think about physical intimacy as more than full on s*x – sometimes a cuddle and a handj*b goes a long way. :)

    • anon

      I suggest reading the book Project Happily Ever After by Alisa Bowman. She also wondered if she got married out of desperation and learned a lot in the process while examining her love life. I think you’ll find a lot of helpful nuggets of wisdom. Plus, it’s a memoir with lots of practical tips and she’s super relatable, so it might be comforting and enjoyable to read anyway.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      It is very likely the fact that you just disclosed previous abuse to a therapist. I know two people who had not processed a past sexual trauma and when they finally did, they found themselves having great difficulty with physical intimacy with their husbands. I’m not saying going down this road has to doom your marriage. I think just recognizing that it *can* doom your marriage can allow you and your therapist to make plans to address that aspect.

      The other thing that is way more complicated is knowing if it is better for your mental health to address this or not to address this. Only a professional will know and a lot depends on how much you currently remember. If it is not a lot, is it worth trying to remember more only to then have to process that trauma? I know one of the people I mentioned above wished she had never really gone down the processing road because it never really ended and it did ruin her marriage. In both cases, the guys were willing to wait out the lack of physical intimacy but the woman felt guilt/pressure/shame that could only be escaped by getting out of the marriage. I don’t think they recognized at the time that it was linked to disclosing the abuse. They just suddenly thought they weren’t attracted to their spouses.

      You might want to consider a second opinion or a call to a sexual assault counselor hotline to discuss the pros and cons and how to mitigate the impact on your marriage. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    • cbackson

      You’re dealing with a lot of hard stuff, OP. Others have offered thoughts on your marital situation – only you can know if you got married for the wrong reasons, and only you can know if you’re still married for the wrong reasons. Good things can come from difficult beginnings. That may be the case for you, or it may not.

      This is a time, I think, when you need to 100% put your needs first. Take care of yourself. Focus on getting the help and support you need, giving yourself time to heal, and honoring what you need right now. Don’t focus on the marital question right now – focus on self-care. My guess is that your ultimate decision about your marriage will come naturally if you allow yourself the time and space you need. These are not quick or easy things to figure out.

    • Anon for this.

      I think it is okay, and you can make it through with him. Many throughout history had great matches that didnt involve the major sparks. Read Marriage, a History, for perspective- it’s fascinating. Life is about so much more than physical sparks. It matters, but we also grow old, and you’d rather have this sweet partner than be a single mom of 2 with occasional hot s*x with strangers. Trust me. I am single mom and it sucks big time. Current partner, no huge sparks, but it is very good, and that is so much more than enough. But lessons learned the hard way.

  24. Mary Ann Singleton

    To follow up on my Wilpower post above, in today’s session we did something similar to taking stock of how satisfied we are with various areas in our lives (career, finances, family, partner, friendships, community, etc…), and I realized (although it was not exactly a shocking revelation) that I’m pretty unhappy in most areas. I need some change.

    I actually really like my type of work and clients (lawyer in the tech industry), but I am being worked to death (consistently 250-300 billable hours per month) and struggle to be in anything other than survival mode (and I’m afraid that my daily feeling of resentment/bitterness will become engrained in my personality soon). So, I need to change the work front, but I also want to change my personal life for the better (start dating again, have more time for family, friends and community and myself, etc.). I know that it sounds like if I just got a job with better hours the rest would fall into place, but for some pretty specific reasons I can’t change jobs for 6 months. What can I do in the meantime? Has anyone gone through something similar? Basically, I think I want/need a new job, I want to move, I want to meet an SO, and I want to be more engaged with my family and friends.

    Has anyone used a life coach who also doubled as a career coach? I feel like that’s a service I could use – someone to sit down with and identify what I can change in various areas of my life.

    (At least I’m thinking positively about change today rather than just grumbling over how much I’ll have to work this weekend….)

    • anon

      I’m a lawyer too, have been where you are & I would start looking for a job now and not wait 6 months. It sounds like your next move would probably be going in-house & that takes a long time, usually more than 6 months. I would at least start there because it is impossible to do the other things you want to do (date/friends/family, etc.) when you’re working as much as you are. I’d also consider asking your firm to go part-time/cut back your hours. I did that before going in-house for about a year when I was single/no kids/no “traditional” reason other than I was burned out. Firms are different & mine had some consternation about it, but ultimately granted my request. That made me feel better about saying no to work & I didn’t care about the “ramifications” at the firm since I knew my next move was going to be somewhere else & not there. So, in short – start with what you’ve got & see if you can tweak it to make it better in the short term for yourself. And tell everyone you know you’re looking – I always found jobs by networking.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Interesting. I would love to go part-time/reduced schedule, but feel that I can’t ask for it since I don’t have young children. I’ve had to pick up clients from several colleagues with young children, and while I totally understand that they need to cut back on their hours, I do kind of secretly resent my firm for making me take their clients on top of my already full workload (why can’t they just hire more people to help?). My time as a single person is clearly not respected or valued, but I know that’s common in this industry and I’ll deal with it.

        • Anon

          8:01 anon here, Mary Ann S, fwiw, I felt the same way and the firm generally had a culture of only granting part time to people with kids or medical needs. I just hit a point where I knew I wasn’t going to stay long term at a firm and I had enough capital there to take the risk of being honest (eg I did good work, had clients who liked me, they would have been in a bind for a little while at least if I up and quit immediately) and I just told them I was burning out, didn’t want to, needed to take a step back. Like I said, it worked for me because I felt if they said “no” that would just accelerate my leaving and I didn’t care about impressing them anymore. If you’re at all close/similar to this space, it may be worth a try. I don’t know your other reasons for needing 6 more months at your firm, but unless they’re personal to you, I’d either reduce hours or look for something new stat. You don’t owe them anything. Take care of yourself. Life is too short.

  25. pegasus

    I’m not a lawyer but I hope you ladies can help me with a career-related issue. I have been in my position (my first job out of uni) for the past year and love the work/industry/environment I’m in. However, for personal reasons, I am planning to emigrate in the next 2-3 years (assume citizenship is not a problem). However, because I’m in a niche field that doesn’t exist in the private sector (think international economic relations/central banking) chances are that I’ll have to change industry/careers.

    However, I’m at a loss as to how to start the process of identifying what jobs I could do with my skill set and experience, as well as what I should be doing in the next couple of years to make myself a more attractive candidate.

    I was hoping you ladies had suggestions for what someone in my field could do outside of the public sector? What skills should I develop to (hopefully) make this a seamless transition. And if anyone has been in a similar position, of having to change occupations not because you don’t love what you do but for practical reasons, any advice?

    • Wildkitten

      Can you talk to a career coach? They are perfect for a situation like that. Otherwise, talk to as many people as you can and ask them how they got to where they are.

    • anon

      No suggestions, except to keep asking people you trust for advice. Talk to your friends about it. I’ve received valuable career advice from friends. There’s something really powerful about hearing someone who knows you tell you what they could envision you doing in the future. It opens up possibilities you might not have considered. So definitely just meet some close friends for coffee one on one and tell them what you told us. Even if they aren’t experts in the field, they may know of people who have taken certain paths that could fit you well. Just talking about it will be a good start.

      • pegasus

        Thanks for the suggestions ladies! A good reminder that I should definitely stop stressing abut this internally and see what my friends/professionals have to say :)

    • Anon for this.

      Linked In’s auto-match job listings (I get them in an email from them I guess just based on my info) are pretty spot on more than half the time. Try that and keep an eye on them.

  26. Anonymous

    I have a review coming up at work and know that I haven’t been doing well. I f can feel my boss getting more and more frustrated with my work and I know that feedback will be extremely negative and in addition to specific problems, will mention lack of motivation/concentration…etc

    I do not like my job and have been feeling burnt out and exhausted for quite some time. I am currently 4 months pregnant and do not intend to go back after my maternity leave.

    Here’s my question: should I explain about struggling and feeling burnt out during my review? Or should I just acknowledge my mistakes/shortcomings and make suggestions for improving/ask my boss for advice. I am just concerned that if I do this without explaining what I am going through, I will be expected to make suggestions that would be totally unrealistic to achieve in my current state of mind and that that would only lead to more frustration on my boss’s part down the road.

    I guess my question really boils down to: what is the most professional way of reacting to a poor review that is due to burn out?

  27. Silvercurls

    I sympathize b/c your circumstances sound miserable. You also don’t want to start off with the new baby feeling totally worn out and exhausted by your current job.

    Can you salvage enough from your work situation and the time you have left before maternity leave so that you have a few good contacts/references to take into your future? (There’s also the unhappy possibility that your employer decides to start your mat. leave early…no, I’m not trying to scare you, I’m just being skittish about this economy in which the glut of potential workers has seemingly turned many employers into monsters.) You’ll have to keep slogging through at least some of the work you dislike, but you’ll be able to leave on a positive note after having improved your relationship with your supervisor or colleagues. This is important because sooner or later you may seek work again. I have no stake in the Mommy wars–I think they are ridiculous; that people should simply do what works best for themselves and their families–but it’s good to have backup plans and resources. We can’t predict everything including our spouse’s future plans or workplace challenges, our eventual desire to resume activity outside the home, various possible disasters (please, no!), etc.

    I’ve been recommending the AskAManager(dot)org site a lot lately, but I’ll say it again: Alison Green has a lot of good advice about navigating the work world realistically but also calmly. Her archives probably have some useful information on your topic.

  30. Anonymous

    Question: How are people here commenting during the workday? I’m so busy, that the earliest I can even think to check out a blog or non-work site would be after 8pm. I am an associate attorney. Am I being overworked/overloaded?

    • Bonnie

      I check during lunch or while doing tasks that don’t require 100% participation, e.g. watching videotaped interviews or conference calls.

  31. zora

    can I just interrupt for a moment to say that dry shampoo (the klorane gentle one) has dramatically changed my life for the better. I wish I could marry it. that is all, carry on.

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