Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Sleeveless Crepe Cady Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Marni Sleeveless Crepe Cady DressHappy Monday! I love the crisp pintucks and darts on this classic-yet-creative Marni dress — and the thick hem at the bottom and yoke on the back is really cool. The white piping at the neckline is lovely, too. (On a weekend note, I am now obsessed with those sandals — they must be Marni, but they don’t seem to be in stock anywhere online. Sigh.) The dress is $1280; it’s available in limited sizes.  Marni Sleeveless Crepe Cady Dress

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  1. Amelia Bedelia :

    Anyone in the DC area have a recommendation for where to buy bras? I need a professional fitting . . . and I am quite large in that region.
    And don’t say Nordstrom — I visited its location in the Pentagon City mall this weekend. What. A. Disaster. Seriously – of epic proportions. That’s the saddest excuse for a Nordstrom I have ever seen.

    Bonus points if I don’t have to rent a car to get to this location — but I’m desperate enough to do it at this point.


    • Coup de Foudre is awesome, and they have a good (although expensive) selection. I can’t recommend them enough.

      Just avoid Victoria’s Secret like the plague. They have no idea what they are doing.

      • I was going to suggest Coup de Foudre. They were great. They didn’t have anything that worked for me, but the fitting was worth the time. The French lady was awesome. I will never forget her saying to me “Did you know that zees one is bigger than zees one?” (Pardon my poor transliteration of her French accent).

      • Thirded.

        Nordstrom was actually good to me (although pressured me to buy more than I wanted to). I realized I was not the 36 B I was wearing, but really a 32 DD. Eep.

        • Second Nordstroms. Got me out of the 34A everyone else recommended and into a 32C. You don’t want to know how many years I smooshed the girls into the wrong size bra!

    • There’s a place in Friendship Heights behindish Gap off Wisconsin (North Park maybe?) that has been great for me and my similarly hard to fit friends.

      Breast of luck ;)

      • I believe this is Sylene? If so, I have been there and it is another excellent choice.

    • I really like Bloomers in Alexandria. They have a decent selection and do great fittings. My one caveat is that they don’t carry much above DD sizes, so depending on what you mean by “quite large” they may not be your best bet.

    • DCist just did a roundup on this: http://dcist.com/2014/03/the_best_bra_fitters_in_the_dc_area.php

  2. I’d have to see this dress on in person. I like how it comes in at the waist, but I’m worried the folds right at the waistline would create too much bulk. Also, I think I would take down the cuffed hem – I don’t like it on pants, and I don’t think I’d like it on this dress. But, that’s just a personal preference. On another note, it’s definitely spring break time in my office – over the next couple of months it seems like everyone is taking at least a little bit of time off. Anyone else looking forward to a fun spring vacation in the near future?

    • Teaching finished last week so it is quiet on my corridor. Not exactly exciting destinations, but I’m off to the midlands in April for a conference and a wedding. I’m going to California in May for a cousin’s wedding and to my parents. An absurdly short stay considering the length of the flight but I’m pretty excited.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I’m going to Europe next week! We are staying in Brussels, a small town along the Rhine in Germany, and Amsterdam. Also taking day trips to the countryside in Holland to see the tulips and Bruges. I see lots of waffles, fries, and strudel in my future!

      • I’m so excited for your trip, Bruges is gorgeous and Brussels has frites!

        If you have the time, rent a bike in Bruges, you can ride around the ring of the city and stop for beer and snacks.

        • Sydney Bristow :

          Thanks for the link and bike idea! I’m not sure if we will have time but I’ll definitely keep it in mind!

      • Bruges! Have you seen the movie “In Bruges”? It was hilarious. Also, the scenery was gorgeous, no matter what the main guy said.

        • Sydney Bristow :

          I haven’t seen it. Of I have a chance, I’ll try to watch it before we go. I’m super excited for the trip!

        • Yes! The trailer I’d seen for it made it seem less dark and more comedic, but when I saw the actual movie, I was a bit put off by how grim and dark and hopeless most of the characters were. It’s the gorgeousness of Bruges + the existential despair of assassins. And the elegance of Clemence Poesy.

          • best. review. ever. ;o)

          • Yes, this sums it up! I suppose when I called it hilarious, I should have noted my humor can be dry and somewhat dark. But it has a happy ending! (I mean, happy for some of the characters. I think you have to expect that in a movie about assassins, not everyone makes it out alive.)

        • I love that movie! The tone is quite interesting – definitely a dramedy. I thought Colin Farrell was outstanding.

      • Yay! Pricey Monday’s! But who has $1200 for this dress, Kat? OMG, Dad would skewer me! As for the OP, when you come back, you MUST tell us about Belgum. My freind, Willem is from a small town near the German BORDER, but he talk’s alot about BRUGE, and OF COURSE, BRUSSELS. I think I will like Belgum b/c I LOVE Brussel Sprout’s.

        This weekend, the tax guy was out at my dad’s and dad is mad that I lost some of my coop paperwork. He said that if the coop was in HIS name, HE would get the paperwork and it would NOT have been lost. FOOEY b/c I can go back to the COOP and the president is on my floor. Also, the tax guy said I should NOT be deducteing so much for my home office. Now I lost $540 as a deduction, and that make’s me pay MORE taxe’s, dad says. Dad told me this tax guy is NOT agresive, and I should NOT worry if I get audited b/c he will be there to do all the talkeing. Madeline say’s ONLY a registered agent can come with you into an IRS audit, unless you are bringeing in your attorney, and DAD is NOT either. FOOEY on Dad b/c I am the one goeing to IRS Jail if there is a probelem. FOOEY!

        This weekend, Mom baked me a Peach Cobbler for my birtheday, and Myrna ate most of it last nite when we got home. Dad told me to give ALL of it to her b/c my tuchus was to big, but I said NO, it is my birtheday. Mom agreed and gave me a second pie that dad did NOT even see. YAY!!!!

    • At least 4 people in my office have headed to Vegas in the last few weeks. For me, my next trip anywhere won’t be until July when we road trip to South Dakota with the family, but the big trip I’m looking forward to is a week on Maui in August for our 20th wedding anniversary. It’s sooo far away, though, and the snow keeps piling up here. I wish we were going next week.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I did a road trip in South Dakota (and North Dakota, Wyoming, Nebraska, and Colorado) last summer. It was awesome!

        • I’m actually pretty excited, although I’m not sure the rest of the family is. I’ve always wanted to see Mount Rushmore. We’ll be hitting Montana, Wyoming & South Dakota. As long as the hotels we stay in have swimming pools, though, I think my boys will be happy.

          • Haven’t made it to Montana and Wyoming but you will really enjoy South Dakota. We went last year mostly to appease my husband who had also always wanted to see Mt Rushmore. I ended up enjoying it as much as he did. The whole Black Hills area is a really beautiful place.

    • Happy to see all the fun plans! I will be buried under a pile of papers for the foreseeable future. Just need to get to May, and then I’m going to the beach. Some way, some how.

    • Agreed about the pleats. I just came back from the Dominican Republic. It was exactly what I needed physically and mentally.

      • In House Lobbyist :

        Where did you stay in the DR? I’m planning a trip for this fall.

        • The Excellence Punta Cana. It was truly relaxing and I’d definitely go back there.

    • A long weekend in New Orleans in April!! I am dying with excitement, I’ve never been, and I’m reading a 350page history on the founding/colonization right now. #nerdtraveler Plus, my host is the BEST and I am so excited!

      • What weekend? The French Quarter Festival is April 10-13. That’s always fun. Either way, New Orleans is absolutely fantastic in April.

      • Patrice Behnstedt :

        What book are you reading? I’m also a big travel nerd

        • holy cr8p I have a huge list of NO books (fiction and non) that I compiled when I decided on this trip. I guess I’ll list them all since you asked! Sorry to people who really don’t want this much info ;o) – Also I’m cross-referencing things with a regular Lonely Planet guide book and making additional notes in there.

          The Last Madam [Wiltz] – already finished, biography of the last of the French Quarter madams, 1920s-1970s basically. It was awesome.
          The Awakening [Kate Chopin] re-reading
          The Accidental City: Improvising New Orleans [Powell] – historical survey of the colonization of Louisiana and the founding of New Orleans + first 100 years. super dense and history-professor-ish but I am loving it to death (see above re: nerd)
          Gumbo Tales [Roahen] – A memoir but includes stories about NO food and specific recipes

          Still to read, might not get to them before the trip, or might read on the trip:
          My Bayou [Adler] memoir of a more recent transplant
          Bienville’s Dilemma [Campanella]
          A New Orleans Voudou Priestess [Long] bio of Marie Laveau
          Coming through Slaughter [Ondaatje]
          The Moviegoer [Percy]
          Unfathomable City [Solnit]
          Song for My Fathers: A New Orleans Story in Black and White [Sancton]
          The World that Made New Orleans: From Spanish Silver to Congo Square [Sublette]

          Okay there is all my nerddom on full display, whee! ;o)
          (ps. I have fallen in love with Goodreads bc I can keep track of wishlists and ‘read’ lists by topic on my phone. So amaze.)

          • I really like Bienville’s Dilemma, however I am biased because I am taking a class by Campanella meow :) He knows so much about New Orleans it is crazy.

          • no way!! that is so cool, I am nerdjealous! ;o)

    • OTOH, about this dress :

      I am sure that there is a reason that Marni made it. But our school has blue uniforms that there a couple of things not unlike this in the Land’s End uniform jumper offerings. And they are on sale. If you can wear girls sizes (and I can, in jumpers at least), this will set you back less than a tank of gas.

      Also, re the South Dakota talk downthread, it is an awesome place. We have family who are recent arrivals there and the people are so friendly. I’m too thin-blooded to try it in winter (or anytime other than July). I dream of taking a road trip from the Laura Ingalls Wilder homestead in the east through the Badlands and then on to Mt. Rushmore

    • Anonattorney :

      Agree 100% on the cuffed hem. I don’t like it. I like the rest of the dress though.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Lots of fun plans here!

      I’ve already had my “spring break.” Picked up my Marine in San Diego on March 1 and took the next two weeks off. We spent several days at the beach at Oceanside, then came home for a few days and had a nice welcome-home party for him and his friends, then took a road trip to San Francisco with his dad and paternal aunt and had a grand old time. Big, big fun!!

      I’ve been back to work for two weeks but he’s still here and I think I’m a little worn out from all the fun and frivolity — I got dressed and went to work today, only to find out it was a holiday and the office was closed! D’oh!!

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      Yay, vacay! I’m on course for a horror week and a half at the office with massive project kicking off, but next Thursday I’m going to be flying to the other side of the pond for a 12-day break. Can’t wait!

    • Second. Sometimes this tuck treatment makes the tummy look even bigger.

    • Miss Behaved :

      I’m headed to the Dominican Republic on Wednesday. And I can’t wait!!!

      • @MissBehabed Bring kits of $1 bills and tip. The resort staff will love you.

  3. Is there an Intimacy in the DC area? They did a pretty good job for me.

  4. I love Marni. Too bad I will never, ever be able to afford it. I love Splurge Mondays, though! Vicarious shopping for the win.

    • Same. I think of Marni clothes as being largely in the same category as Phoebe Philo’s Celine designs. Clothes that are modern, thoughtful, subtle but also easy to move and live in. The opposite of everything Hyacinth Bucket (much as I love that character.)

  5. Paging Clementine :

    and anyone else who’s been through intensified long distance/military relationships.

    My SO is deployed now on a submarine and it has gotten rough for me. I’ve been trying to do everything right – exercise, eat well, throw myself into hobbies, see friends – but I just feel more miserable each day. I think it’s that my missing him is coupled with intense fears about his day-to-day duties. I cry every day and have these horrible graphic nightmares.

    This weekend we were able to talk on the phone for the first time in many weeks, and I was so unpleasant to him. I think I was taking out my sadness as anger. One day he didn’t call exactly when he said he would, and I flipped out.

    We have about two more months – had any advice as to how to get through this? I’m nowhere near the base, so don’t have the support network of the other wives/girlfriends. I do have an appt with a therapist this week, so maybe that will help me get some perspective.

    • Anonymous :

      I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are having to go through this.

      I don’t have any advice, but just let you know some stranger on the internet wishes you well.

    • I think it’s great it’s just 2 more months- tell yourself that you can do anything for 2 months. It isn’t insurmountable. Even if you’re feeling angry (which I think is understandable even if not totally rational), try to put on a “happy face” during your phone calls, knowing that this period will be over soon.

    • I’ve spent half my 7 year marriage in a different country from my husband. I got used to it, but some never do. He has been in Afghanistan for the past 13 months (not military, but government and by no means in a safe place), and I’ve been on leave from my job the whole time to take care of our kids. The kids keep me busy, but without serious weightlifting I’d probably lose my mind (there’s something very cathartic about slinging weight when I’m stressed or bored or overwhelmed). I don’t have a lot of friends where we are now, so I make a point to FaceTime my closest buds fairly often. I also organize and reorganize the house a lot. DH and I talk thanks to technology, but we stay closest by sending each other articles or links that we know the other one will be interested in (e.g. oh God look what Fox news did now or ha! this Penny Arcade is hilars!). Just staying connected in a way that has nothing to do with our logistics or responsibilities.

      I don’t have specific advice on how to get through it. He was in Iraq for year as well, and we were on opposite ends of Asia for a year before that. I tend to put my head down and plow through my life fairly matter-of-factly. I look at it this way: what choice do I have? I can’t worry extensively about his day to day out there, because it changes nothing. Long ago, before kids, I kept a journal for him. I never ended up giving it to him (ultimately it was a bit more sentimental than I usually get), but it was a great healing process for me. I could write as if I were writing to him, and tell him my fears or angst or joys in that moment, and then I let it go. That way I got it out, but I didn’t spend our limited interactions focusing on the negative.

      I’ve known people who say to never let your sads out on the deployed person, and while that’s ideal, it’s unrealistic to some extent. You are going through this too, and often it feels like it must be harder to be left than to leave (even though that might not be the case). But you only have two months left! That’s not bad at all. Hang in there, remember he can’t always call when he says he will, and keep keeping yourself busy.

    • Sorry about your stressful times. I have been deployed in a combat zone and I have also been the one at home while my SO was in combat zones. My entire immediate family is military. Between the five of us, we have 10 deployments. My brother was even KIA in Afghanistan 1 year ago.

      Please hang in there for your husband. You guys are so close to the finish line. When I was deployed, there is nothing worse/more distracting than having an unhappy SO at home and limited phone/email access. Here are some tips I hope you find helpful-

      1. Do your best not to be snippy on the phone calls. I understand you are stressed. But maybe he waited in line for well over an hour to access the phones. As he dialed your number, his heart was probably beating very fast while he held his breath waiting for you to answer. I found it helpful to keep a little notepad of things I wanted to chat about. This kept things on topic and less likely to veer into my whine-y/needy topics
      2. Start planning his welcome home party. I also liked to make signs to hold up as they returned from deployment. “Welcome Home XX! You are my hero!” kind of things. Then you can hold them and pose for cute pictures.
      3. Make a folder and save websites for stuff you would like to do together when he gets back. (Although, please recognize that he will probably need significant downtime to decompress and readjust when he gets home. Don’t plan any surprise parties or any parties/ BBQs for that matter without his consent.)
      4. I made a lot of cards out of scrapbook materials and photos and sent them. This was a great way for me to pass the time while doing something supportive.
      5. Your fears about his day-to-day duties are very understandable. However, he is highly trained and very skilled at his job. Take comfort in that. You can tell him that you worry about him, but don’t treat him as your psychiatrist. That would be very unfair to him. Seek support for that elsewhere.

      I hope this info is helpful. I re-read my reply and I think it could sound rude. I have good intentions and I want to be helpful. Hang in there. Try to be loving and cheerful when he calls. You might be the only bright spot in his day. :) I would give anything, ANYTHING to hear my brother’s voice again. Make it a good phone call. :)

      • We lost a close family friend in Iraq. I know that’s only a shadow of your loss, but wanted to let you know that you’re not completely alone here. Thinking of you, and your family.

      • Thank you for taking the time to post this. It’s such good advice on long-distance relationships in general, but the military-specific details made me tear up. Thanks to you and your family for all you have done for the U.S.

      • Anonylicious :

        First off, I’m sorry about your brother. There’s not much I can add that you haven’t heard already, I’m sure.

        And second, +1000 to all this advice.

      • Thanks for your kind words, guys. Sorry for your loss too, cbackson.

      • I’m so sorry for your loss. I also want to thank you and your family for your service to our country.

      • Our stories are so similar. I was deployed to Iraq a few years ago, and my brother passed away while on a military assignment in Korea. Like you, my entire family was military. I’m so sorry about your loss of your brother; I’m sure just one year out it is still a very raw emotion for you. Like you, my last phone call with my brother was something I will never forget, especially since I cut it short becuase I was studying for the bar exam at the time. Have been kicking myself for the 12 years since. You might consider enrolling in the military’s grief study; I can get you the information if you want. They are trying to help family members coping with a military relative’s death, and I found the study personnel to be very compassionate and the process itself somewhat cathartic. If I can ever provide you any support, I’m happy to if you want to go un-anon. It does get better with time. . . I promise.

    • While my SO is not deployed (and I realize the differences are incredible), this couldn’t be more timely- I was just coming here to post for LDR advice and saw yours. Our end date is either in 2-3 months or a year (yeah, not up in the air at all) and while I’m pretty much ok, I honestly just feel like I’m faking it all the time, even though I do a good job of convincing even myself. Last night was really rough (first depressive thoughts in about 5 years) and I’m still crying.

      As for ideas, I second the journal idea. My SO typically sends me a letter every week and I know it makes him feel better- even if you don’t send them, maybe you could write him letters that talk about the future, how great it will be when you’re back together, make plans for things you want to do. Reminding yourself of the time left (since it’s more like 2 months, not something longer) can also be encouraging- “just ____ more days, now just three more weeks,” etc. Pretty soon it will be “he’s here tomorrow!”

      Sending hugs.

    • Anonylicious :

      I’m in an LDR right now, myself, though we’re both out of the military so it’s easier than one or both of us being deployed. Just remember, it’s okay to be upset with the situation, but try not to take it out on each other. Be the bright spot in each others’ day when you talk. And try not to take his schedule personally. His time does not belong to him right now, so sometimes he may not be able to call.

      Remember there’s an end in sight! Just take it one day at a time, or “chow to chow and Sunday to Sunday,” like they told me in basic.

    • Clementine :

      First- lots of internet love and good vibes to you. Trust me when I say that somehow missing your ‘time’ when they’re going to call or even worse- picking up your phone to have a random missed call from a foreign number just makes your heart sink. It stinks.

      Intense exercise helps. Having goals of what you’re going to get done helps. I always swear that procrastinating the last ‘big clean’ of my house helps the time go faster.

      Spend time with friends. Do things you enjoy. Know that worrying about everything does nothing to change it. I actually go to church services because I find the ritual soothing and reassuring. Deep breathing and long showers help, as do making plans for fun things to do. Also- don’t look at it as ‘that’s it and he’s DONE.’ If this is a career, it’s never really ‘done’. I don’t mean that in a negative, downer way, just in a realistic way that has kept me going through many of these- military and non-military. Also, you can’t compare yourself to other people/couples and their dynamics. It’s not better, it’s not worse, it’s just different.

      I realize I just wrote a book but this is one of those situations that most people in your life will not relate to.

    • Kontraktor :

      I know you say you’re nowhere near the base, but is it possible to try to tap into that support network at all? Our pilot squadarons all have FB pages where many of the women socialize, and the base has a larger wives group social page as well. Could you join those/look into that and if nothing else, see if there are any others around you could meet for coffee with, just chat to online, etc? Also, I know with our squadrons, the Key Spouse does attempt to put long term girlfriends on the support list (not sure if you all are married), so maybe see if your SO knows who the key spouse type person is for his group and see if you can be put on that lady’s radar? Key spouses usually organize meet ups, they are a sympathetic ear if you don’t know where to turn, they can recommend ideas and resources. Things like that.

      I second the idea of writing letters every day, even if you can’t send each day or have to send them in batches. When I was in Russia and didn’t have reliable internet access, I wrote letters in Word and just sent my husband giant Word attachments every few days when I did get internet. He would do the same thing when deployed too if he couldn’t get an email off.

      Agree with the idea of keeping a notebook with nice thoughts and ideas to chat about when you do talk. I completely sympathize with it being hard to be cheerful/make the phone conversations good; there is a lot of pressure. But I think jotting down those kind ideas and notes will help. You can also talk about all the things to do when the time is over. :) Think the idea of planning all the welcome home stuff was good; it’s definitely close enough now when you can start planning your beauty appointments, start shopping for something new to wear, plan a mini vacation, etc… all those things are encouraging when thinking about the end.

      Finally, some stuff that helped me, but YMMV: i did check out quite a few devotional/Christian/prayer books for military spouses, just for encouragement about how to keep faith and find strength, but I don’t know if that is a relevant solution here. Talking with your local faith leader may help too.

    • I was on the other side of a military LDR when I was deployed and know that it is hard. Just a couple thoughts. Your SO probably does not have regular access to email and the phone so remember that when he does not call or write at the appointed time. He’s also probably very busy and may be focusing on work to make the deployment go by quicker. For me, it was much easier to respond to quick emails than long ones so think about sending him short notes instead. Two months will go by quickly and a visual can help. Print out a two page monthly calendar and tape it somewhere you will see it often. Circle his return date and every morning cross out another day. Good luck!

      • Definitely second the countdown. My parents were both deployed to Asia at different times during the early years of their marriage and my mom would always have a countdown going to the day she got to leave, “72 days and a wake-up!” meaning the last day all you had to do was wake-up, get on the plane and go home! (or for you wake up that day and your SO will be on the plane coming home :) )

        and even though they spent years apart when they were first dating/married they have now spent the last 20+ years happily together stateside! So remember that it’s not forever, even if it seems like it is…

        • Yes. My husband is at 10 and a wakeup until the end of his tour, and the countdown is huge for him. My kindergartener’s class does a countdown for him as part of their morning routine. It really does help.

    • lucy stone :

      Oh, how tough. One of my sorority sisters dated (and is now married to!) a Navy guy who was on a sub when we were in college and the non-communication was tough. Are you able to email at all? I know it isn’t the same as face-to-face contact, but I think mundane updates about your life could help.

      I went through a period of great anxiety when I had two close friends deployed at the same time and the one in Afghanistan told me not to worry about her because she was doing what she wanted to be doing, what she trained to be doing, and what she signed up to do. It helped me to keep that in mind.

  6. Anon for this :

    TJ: I’m a little upset and didn’t sleep well this morning and need a reality check as to whether I’m overreacting/off-base. Here’s the situation:

    My boyfriend and I have lived together for about a year. On a normal day, while we’re at work, we send each other periodic text messages just to say hi and see how the other person is doing, etc.. A few weekends ago, I went out of town to visit some friends, but I still texted him the normal amount and I made an effort to make a couple quick phone calls throughout my trip.

    This weekend, my BF went out of town for an event and to see some friends and I’ve barely heard from him. I don’t expect him to check-in or give me a detailed report of his whereabouts, but it would have been nice to receive a couple quick texts or a 5 minute phone call to let me know how his event was, to see how my weekend was going, or just to say “Hi, I’m thinking about you and miss you.” When I sent him a message just to see how his event went, he did respond but hours later and with an answer that was only a few words long. No question about me or anything else. This lack of communication makes me feel like when I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind. Am I wrong to be upset about this?

    • Anne Shirley :

      So, you’ve been happy together for a year , and he spends one weekend out of town, with friends, at an event and doesn’t text you enough. Is it really such a problem for you to be out of mind for two days? If you’d like more communication, I think ask for it before the next trip, to make it clear you’re not scolding, you just have a request going forward.

      • Diana Barry :

        +1. My DH often doesn’t call or text when he is out of town – no biggie, I know he is in meetings or with friends and doesn’t always get signal, etc. etc. I’m not sure if it’s partly a generational thing – we started dating before texting and before we both had cell phones, etc., so all this OMG CONSTANT COMMUNICATION is not something that’s at the top of my brain all the time.

        • +2. This really, really wouldn’t faze me. I’d actually be totally stressed out by the constant communication. When I’m away, I’m generally busy and trying to get stuff done and touch base with contacts and friends to justify the time away.

        • I think guys sometimes assume that you’ll reach out if you need to, instead of waiting by the phone getting frustrated. Next time, just call him.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I have been on the other side of this. Mr. S.A. expected constant contact and it got exhausting. I agree with Anne Shirley that even if you were “out of mind” for two days, so what? Give him a chance to miss you, you know? It’ll make the homecoming that much nicer!

        So my answer to your question is, “Yeah, I kinda think you are wrong to be upset about this.”

    • I wouldn’t say you are wrong… you feel how you feel. But I’d say you are over-reacting. You should be able to tolerate a couple days without multiple communications per day. It sounds like he has touched base at least once since he left, so you know he is ok. It’s actually healthy for him to have a few days break and not miss you so much he has to text multiple times. Sounds like he had an event and seeing multiple friends so that sounds busy for just a weekend trip.

      But I do understand how this is stressful, and doesn’t feel “right”. You have a routine, you miss him and were not as “distracted” as he was, so it is harder for you. But it’s ok for couples to have tiny breaks. I worry you are a little bit too dependent for getting upset…. or are there other trust issues that are the real problem?

      • I agree it sounds healthy for him that he enjoyed being with his friends enough that he took a step back from communicating with you so often. If he were unable to function in life, or even just unable to enjoy the weekend, without speaking to you multiple times a day, wouldn’t you worry he was too dependent on you? And I realize there are often times you can text unobtrusively, but it drives me nuts when I’m hanging out in a group and there is a person who can’t seem to enjoy the activity or the company, but has to keep texting with his/her absent SO.

        I also agree with Carrie that you feel how you feel, so you shouldn’t pretend you feel something else, but maybe check whether this is an overreaction.

        • +1 “you feel how you feel” I do think it’s an overreaction, but I can see how at some points in my life my insecurity/stress/anxiety/whatever would have made me feel how you feel. I would look at other places in your life and see what’s causing you to feel this way.

          I don’t think his behavior was out of line, and after having been w/ my DH for almost 8 years now, I kinda look forward to my time alone! If he didn’t text or call me for days on end when he was across the continent I might get worried, but sporadic updates when he’s away on a bachelor party weekend is totally normal.

    • Thanks, ladies. I probably am overreacting. I am happy that he’s having a good time out of town (he’s still there) and that we both still do things independently. And Eleanor, I know what you mean, about the obnoxious person that has to keep texting their SO. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting constant communication but it just would have been nice to have a “Hey how are you?” message and a quick text to let me know the results of the event (sporting event).

      Carrie, you were right in that I’m not as “distracted” as he is. We are new to the city where we living and although I’m trying hard to make friends and get involved, I’m not quite at the level where I feel like I have a strong support network and people to call up to get myself out of the house. I also think part of my reaction (which I failed to explain in the earlier post) is that we have fairly opposite schedules (I am often asleep when he gets home from work and I leave for work before he is awake and we frequently don’t have the same days off in a given week) so our normal level of communication (texting a few times a day, etc.) is in some ways our only real interactions even though we live together. And between work travel, me going to visit my friends, and him going to visit his friends, it actually feels like we haven’t seen much of each other in the entire month of March.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        I think it is fine to politely and in a non-accusatory way tell him what you need to feel good. I’d say something like “hey, I’m glad your having fun but I really miss you when you are gone! Your little messages really brighten my day and I really look forward to them. Can you try to send me a few more? Thanks!”

        I mentioned on the weekend thread that my husband is three weeks into a six week training out of state. It never occurred to him that I would enjoy random pic messages of things he sees throughout the day. When I told him how much I enjoy them, he started sending me more. It also made me realize that if he didn’t know I would enjoy them, it probably means they are less important to him. In which case, he was probably wondering why I sent my 50th text of our cat doing something dumb.

      • FWIW, I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think you’re feeling emotions that are totally reasonable considering the routine you have as a couple. Do I think you need to make this a confrontational issue? No. But I understand that you’re looking for him to extend the same courtesy of communication that you would probably offer to him in the opposite situation. I don’t get the impression that you’re being needy or suffocating based off of what you said. There may not be much you can do about it now, but I think a good date night is in order asap :)

    • I wouldn’t read into this much. This is how my husband is. His guy time is his guy time and he usually doesn’t text or call much if at all when he’s gone for a weekend. I’ll get a text he arrived okay but after that it’s pretty much silence. I don’t mind, I know he’s having fun and I don’t worry about what he’s doing. We’ve been together for 7 years though so maybe it feels different.

    • I’m your husband and we fight about this every time I go away for the weekend (which is thankfully only like once a year). DH wants me to check in, I don’t want to be paying attention to my phone when I’m with my friends for a rare girls weekend. So no you’re not overreacting (or at least other people react the same way), but try to go easy on us. I always return refreshed and really missing DH. Time away is good! Maybe you can work out a compromise where he’ll text you once a day just to say he’s alive and having fun?

      • Meg Murry :

        I agree that you need to be specific on how much contact you need. I straight up tell my husband “I’m a worrier and you know this is how I am, so I need at least one phone call/email/text every 24 hours, even if it just says ‘I’m still alive’ ” He rolls his eyes at me, but he does do it. I usually then add that I would like (love) more – but once a day is minimum – and most days he does call or text me at least once.

  7. Eyeliner pencil :

    Has anyone found a super long-lasting eyeliner pencil? I have very oily lids and no primer has ever helped, but if anyone knows a pencil that can stand up to this please recommend!

    • Have you tried Urban Decay? Their eyeliner is amazing!

    • Second for Urban Decay. I too have oily lids and though it does eventually wear off, it does so in an oddly flattering way – not the “oh, here’s the exact same line a half inch higher on my eyelid” that I get with other eyeliners. It just blurs over the whole lower lid fairly evenly.

    • Anonylicious :

      I have a Tarte eyeliner that holds up pretty well. I also find that smudging my liner to begin with makes the eventual wear look more intentional.

    • Not a pencil, but the only thing I have found that doesn’t do this is the Mac paint-on liquid liner.

    • Use primer and powder on your lids first, this will make more of a difference than pencil brands.

    • Urban Decay 24/7 + primer potion is great. And my eyelids are so oily that it looks like I applied my eye shadow with a fried chicken leg.

    • Clinique cream eyeliner. It is not a pencil – comes in a pot and is applied with a brush. Tried pencils and gels but nothing performed as well.

      • Kontraktor :

        Do you apply with an angled liner brush? I currently use black powder shadow as liner, using an angle brush, but would like something that gives a cleaner line without being quite as harsh as liquid liner. Do you think this would fit the bill?

      • I use Ulta eyeliner brush, item #2239570. It lets me regulate the line width, somewhat.

    • I also really like the Stila smudge stick eyeliner – it’s not quite a pencil but not quite anything else either (obviously I have no idea how to describe it) but I love it. Also love the urban decay 24/7 liner

    • I’ve tried Urban Decay and Stila – nope, they smudge like WHOA. The best pencil I’ve found is the Revlon Colorstay retractable pencil. Even without primer and powder, it stays put. It’s great.

      In terms of eyelid primer, the BEST I’ve ever found is the Tarte 360 degrees or something like that. Urban Decay, Smashbox, Too Faced, etc. ain’t got nothin on the Tarte primer.

  8. I’m wearing a dress very similar to this today but in blue! I love that it is already 60 degrees and sunny and I can go outside without wearing a coat!

    • *jealous* We got snow (snow!) this morning, just in time for the commute and it stuck to everything! I’m losing hope spring will come — ever!

  9. Paging AIMS - Baconpancakes :

    I made the carrot miso soup this weekend, and here’s my findings: Simmered the soup for closer to 45 minutes than 30 minutes in order to soften the carrots enough, and ran the hand blender for close to 8 minutes in order to puree it. The method for hand blending did involve plunging the stick up and down, but also a lot of swirling around in a spiral and actually chasing after the bits of carrot that I could see weren’t blended. Hand blending is pretty easy, but you do need a technique, and it does take time. Probably less time than letting the soup cool to an appropriate temperature, pouring it into batches into a food processor or blender, pouring it into a secondary container after it’s blended, reheating the soup, and washing all the additional dishes, but it does get annoying to stand there at the stove chasing bits of carrot after a while. I’d suggest making sure whatever you’re blending is soft enough to slice easily with a fork, and swirling the blender around the pot, being sure to keep some space between the blender and the bottom of the pot, and if your pot is deep enough and can be handled while hot, tilting it a bit to blend in the pool of soup on one side.

    • Thanks! I am going to try doing it again and to use this technique. I think I may have been a wee bit impatient the last time – I definitely didn’t give it eight minutes (though I also didn’t feel like I was making much progress so that contributed). I’ve only seen these used on TV and Ina Garten just makes it look too quick and easy, I think. I will try giving it more time on all ends. Thank you so much!

  10. New job - taking time off for funeral :

    My SO just found out that a close family friend has died at a young age. He wants to go the funeral tomorrow, but he’s in his first month at a new job. Do you think it’s okay for him to ask for the day off? We both think yes, but that it’s obviously not ideal. Any opinions would be welcome.

    • If he hasn’t earned PTO, take it unpaid; he just needs to explain the situation to his boss and if he was really close to the friend it shouldn’t be an issue.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I also think it is ok. Acknowledging that it is not ideal in his request would probably be a good idea. I think people tend to be pretty understanding for a funeral.

    • Sorry for your SO’s loss. He should go, if he wants to. I think some situations–and for me this would definitely be one–trump office politic-y nonsense. Also, if I had a boss that wouldn’t be understanding of this, I would want to know so I could start looking for a new job.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      As a college waitress, I skipped a friend’s dad’s wake because my boss wouldn’t give me the time off. I really regretted it. At another waitressing job my boss was not going to give me the time off for a friend’s wake. I told him I was going anyway and he could fire me when I got back if he wanted to. I told him two days in advance too, not mid shift. He didn’t fire me.

      Professional work is of course different but I think this a circumstance where asking for the time off is completely appropriate.

    • Meg Murry :

      If the funeral is in the afternoon is there any way he could make it a half day? I think showing that you are only taking a moderate amount of time (and explaining how you could make up the time by working late another day if that’s possible) would also help show that your SO isn’t frivolously taking time but that this is something important to him.

      Alternately, if he doesn’t want to ask for the time, are there viewing hours tonight? Not quite the same, but better than nothing.

  11. After fighting the urge to stay in bed instead of going to work today, I am thinking more and more that even if I don’t find a new position, I will resign at the end of the month. I’ve been looking for a new job for 9 months seriously, and hoped to be out of here at the start of the year. That’s a very scary prospect (I’m the main breadwinner) but I’m just so miserable right now. Has anyone here quit a job without another lined up?

    • This is just my personal opinion, but I would never quit a job without another one lines up. Unemployment gaps are very hard to explain on a resume and I would freak at not having a steady paycheck.

      • +1 My mom always told me it is much easier to find a job when you already have one. I realize that you have been looking for 9 months but I personally would not elect to quit a job (even one I hated) without another one lined up. Consider applying for an interim position (maybe one that you are overqualified for) or line up a temp-position at least if you really cannot stand your job. This would still look better than a gap on your resume and you will still be bringing in some income.

        • Yeah, good jobs don’t come along all the time if you are in a specialized field. The fact that you’ve been looking for 9 months and haven’t found anything kind of reinforces the need to stay at your job until you find a new one, instead of quitting prematurely. What makes your job so hard to deal with?

      • Yes I did it kind of rashly… Had been miserable and looking for a new job for a long time. Then one day my boss asked me to agree to something ridiculous re my compensation ( he wanted to decid how much to pay me each week based on how he felt about my work ) that I just snapped and literally quit and walked out.

        It was 6 months before I found a new job and I had to take a part time telemarketing gig to get by. I had my boyfriend mostly supporting me. And for those y months virtually every waking moment was spent anxiously thinking about my situation. It was not fun.

        But. I ended up with basically my dream job with a decent salary and excellent benefits. So it worked out for me but I still think t was very risky and not something I would do again. It was very early in my career too. So I guess I’d say… You have to ask yourself, are you feeling lucky, punk? :)

    • Baconpancakes :

      Not a great idea, unless you have a pretty firm cushion to fall back on, and even then, I’d hesitate. I did this once, and was unemployed for almost a year and a half, and felt way more miserable not pulling a paycheck than I ever had at the job I hated.

    • Unless you have a whole pile of money to live on and a really good answer for the interview question of why you left, I’d probably re-think this strategy. Can you take some vacation time to decompress? I’ve left a job before without having another lined up and it was really stressful.

    • Anonylicious :

      Unless the job is seriously harming your (mental or physical) health, I would try to hold in there until you can find something. If your savings are healthy and you can find some sort of backup employment (even flipping burgers can help slow the drain on your savings), it *might* be worth it if your job really, really, really sucks. But being out of work is pretty miserable, too, especially if you don’t qualify for any unemployment.

      I think the best course is probably just continuing your job search so you can leave your current job with nothing but relief.

    • Big breath…. and get up and go. Go outside at lunch time to get some sunshine to help your depression, and keep plugging away. And breathe….

      I would be very wary about resigning if you are the main breadwinner. You could easily get yourself into big trouble, and you have no idea if the next 9 months will be easier or harder in the job search. Unfortunately, we can’t live on hope.

      Sorry, as that may not be what you want to hear… but maybe you did need a kick in the pants today.

      You can do this!!

      How can you add a jolt into your job search efforts? Are there more friends/contacts/old advisors/colleagues you can touch base with to get the word out? And check in again with all the old ones…. Start adding one networking activity every couple weeks. Consider working with a head-hunter.

      You can do this.

      And start taking a short walk every day at lunch or after work to get outside now that work is winding down. Or work-out. Stress release is needed.

    • Since you’re thinking of quitting anyway, how about instead rethinking your approach at work? Stop caring about the things that are making you miserable (e.g. Taking on too much work, stop doing that; annoying coworkers, disengage and stop trying) – just do the minimum necessary to keep your job but stop worrying about your review, getting promoted, office politics, etc. if you can treat it like a job you’re not going to stay at, it can be a lot easier to take while you’re looking. I say this because I agree that unless you’re really well off, quitting a job without another one lined up tends to make you desperate when searching and likely to take another bad job to get something rather than one that’s the right fit for you.

      • +1. Do what you can to make it bearable and ramp up your job search so you can jump to something else before you can’t do take it any more.

    • My ex-husband did this a bunch of times. Enough said.

      • Ha ha! Mine, too. Or would do something to get himself fired on purpose so he could leave a job he hated and I couldn’t object.

    • +2. And, I usually found my new job through a connection at my old job. So hang in there and think of your crummy job as just a tool to find a new one.

      Also, what anon at 10:34 said. My office is fairly whack, and I hit a total f-it point last fall. So since then, I’ve been mostly ignoring the petty infighting and politics and have been focusing my work on the things I find fun and fulfilling. It’s made coming into the office just that much easier.

    • No advice, just sympathy. I had a very similar conversation with my SO this weekend. It’s terrible.

    • Wildkitten :

      What city are you in? I would hire a career coach to help me in my job search. (I say that a lot – I’m not one myself but I hired one when I was having a terrible time finding a job and found her super helpful and am now employed.)

    • Of Counsel :

      I actually have done this as the sole income for a household that included a child. I did it because the stress of my job had started to take a serious toll on my mental and physical health and was impacting my family. I quit and spent almost a year looking for another position. Having said that, I had savings, equity in my house and family with money to fall back on. Without those things, I don’t know whether the stress of being unemployed would have been less than the stress of the job. The only person who can answer that is you.

      If you are not already under the care of a doctor, I would advise consulting one. If nothing else, if you do have to quit, it will help with an unemployment claim.

  12. Just need to vent. DH is sick and we’re still trying to get to the bottom of it. He gets severe bloating and is going through a battery of GI tests to try and figure out what’s wrong. At the same time, I’m trying to get to the bottom of my allergies which are making me sick all.the.time. I’m just so overwhelmed with it all, which I’m sure isn’t helping either.

    • If you’re both having immune system issues (GI reactions can have immune triggers) – I hope the possibility of environmental issuees (e.g. mold in your housing) is being considered/investigated.

      Best of luck with finding solutions and hope you’re both feeling better soon.

      • Interesting, hadn’t thought of that. All my immune tests came back normal, but we are strongly looking at environmental issues as a factor in my allergies (dust mites, mold, etc). We live in an apt so not much we can do about the wall to wall carpet, but we’ve bought a new hepa vacuum and are trying to get some air purifiers. His came on rather suddenly and we’ve been living there for 3 years, but it’s definitely something I will raise with our physicians. Thanks for the tip!

        • If your DH is from another country it could be a water issuecausing the GI problems. My DH is from a European Country that uses UV light treatment to purify the public water system not chlorine. He had constant stomach issues when drinking chlorine treated water – we cook/drink filtered or bottled water and he’s fine now. Not sure how much this would be an issue from one state to another in the USA.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I could write a book on the journey to getting GI issues diagnosed. I recommend that after the battery of conventional medical stuff is through, if they still don’t have a solution that he try an elimination diet. I tested negative for Celiac but absolutely have a severe gluten and dairy intolerance.

      Also, as for Crohn’s and Colitis there is a blood test call the Promesthus IBD panel or something like that. Not all doctors “believe” in it and not all insurance companies will pay for it. It was explained to me that there are rarely false positive but frequently false negatives. My more invasive tests showed inflammation and ulceration of my digestive tract consistent with Crohns but I did not have the granulomas present to give me a definitive diagnosis. They did the Promesthus blood test and I was off the charts positive. That was enough for my doctor to be comfortable prescribing the Crohns meds and it got my flares under control but didn’t put me completely in remission.

      The only thing that allowed me to achieve full remission was a huge diet change despite my doctor at the time believing that diet didn’t matter in Crohns. It is true that some people with Crohns will have their autoimmune reactions no matter what they eat. Others however can identify triggers.

      • Thank you! We’re doing his first visit with a GI doc soon; he had bloodwork and an ultrasound done today (physical symptoms were indicating possible gallstones) but he has none of the ‘typical’ risk factors. Oddly, it’s fiberous foods and he does have some food allergy issues, so we’re trying to rule out organ rupturing issues first. It’s just frustrating to have both of us with things that are ‘tricky’ to diagnose as opposed to say a broken bone (frustrating in a different way).

        If it’s alright, I may message you once we know more, since this is an area I have zero experience in.

      • I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but am glad you’ve found ways to cope with it.

        I went through a horrible year with digestion issues last year. A battery of tests and lots of worrying later it turned out to be stress- induced IBS. I began taking a mild anti-depressant and eating foods high in tryptophan. It changed my life.

      • Thanks for all the tips! So far it seems to be nothing “typical” related to IBS, Crohns, or celiac. It’s all just severe abdominal cramping, to the point he feels like his stomach would rupture, but no other ‘bathroom’ issues. At first we thought it was acid reflux, but greasy carbs are actually not the issue; fibrous food is. Things like lettuce make him super sick. All the suggestions are helpful, so please keep them coming and thank you!

        • There’s something called gastroparesis (delayed stomach emptying)– usually associated more with feelings of nausea than with cramping, but might be something to consider. Basically, your stomach doesn’t push foods out into your intestine as quickly as it should, so foods sit in your stomach. Fiberous foods and raw veggies or fruits can be a big trigger. There is a diagnostic test (basically you eat a radio-labelled egg and lie under machine that takes imagines of how long it takes the egg to leave your stomach) and many people can treat it with diet (small meals, avoid triggering foods). This probably isn’t helpful, but one more possibility. I hope you both get better soon.

      • Second the elimination diet 1000%. It got to the bottom of my issues when the doctors couldn’t. The last one said he was hesitant to suggest it because 90% of his patients refuse to even try it.

    • Ugh, no fun. My sympathies from another GI sufferer.

    • NWanalyst :

      I am so very sorry you’re dealing with this. I have been dealing with seemingly “cause-less” severe bloating, pain, basically every GI issue you can imagine for many years now. I had every invasive test that you can think of and they found absolutely nothing. It got to the point where I was actually disabled, and that’s when I finally tried an elimination diet. The so-called Royal Prince Albert Hospital Elimination diet (aka Failsafe diet) is the only thing that has actually given me almost 100% remission of symptoms (almost because it’s really hard to do the diet perfectly). If you run out of other options or simply want to try something very aggressive, it might be worth a shot. The best resource on it is probably here: http://fedup.com.au/

    • oil in houston :

      BTDT …. it took months for me to get diagnosed, but be aware – if he is ‘only’ gluten intolerant, as opposed to Crohne or others, then it won’t show up in blood tests. the only way is for him to get rid of all gluten in his diet for a couple of weeks, and then reintroduce things one by one so he can see what he can and cannot tolerate. I was so bloated, that when I got rid of gluten those first 2 weeks I lost 5 pounds in a week!
      good luck

    • I hope he gets to the cause of his GI problems but I also recommend a trial of a gluten free diet for 3 weeks minimum, as gluten issues are so tricky and hard to “officially” diagnose. The elimination diet is the best way to see if he feels better without gluten.

  13. housecleaner question :

    I’m having someone come to clean my place tomorrow for the first time. I am generally a very neat and orderly person… except for my stovetop and my shower. They are, frankly, not very clean. Especially the shower. I feel compelled to clean before the maids even get here because I’m embarrassed. Please tell me they’ve seen worse and won’t judge me!

    And yes, I know this is a ridiculous post.

    • They’ve seen worse and won’t judge you. Promise. :)

      • True, but I’ve never found that maids will deep clean a really dirty shower. And trust, me, I’ve been there. I was once so distraught over the state of my tub and shower when I had guests coming that my SO went to my house during a workday and cleaned it for me. He has much more patience for it than I do! Best. gift. ever.

        • housecleaner question :

          Oh, no… really? That was the one thing I wanted help with most. Isn’t that their job?!

          • To provide a counterpoint, I’ve found our cleaning service does a much better job of getting the shower sparkling than I ever could. Everything all smooth and shiny and brand-new looking. Somehow I’m never able to get my shower that way even though I wear myself out scrubbing. I highly recommend using a daily shower spray- cleaning the shower is absolutely my least favorite chore, and the spray helps a ton.

          • Mine definitely did a good deep clean on the tub on their first trip. I’d even leave a note saying something like “Priorities: shower, stovetop, dusting”

    • They have definitely seen worse. My housekeeper said that she now refuses to take on new clients who live in the area of a nearby university, because she twice was asked to clean frat houses that were so disgusting (vermin issues and moldy food stuck on surfaces) that she worried about her health. My slightly scummy shower pales in comparison. I haven’t had NOLA’s problem – my shower looked great after!

      • Wow, that is disgusting, but I believe it. Men have this incredible ability to just ignore filth. I don’t understand it.

        • Not just men, I think it’s more common among men, but I have a couple of friends that are women who live in group houses where they are all like this and I just don’t get it. I kind of dread going over to their houses, even though I love hanging out with them. ::::shudder:::

    • If your shower is super dirty, try filling it up with warm water and adding some bleach to the water and letting it soak overnight. Drain and let the shower warm up for awhile before you shower tomorrow to help clear the bleach fumes. Helps to loosen some of the caked on goo.

      As for the stovetop, I don’t know what magical powers most maid services have, but I can not (even with cleaning products) get my stovetop and drip pans as clean as they do. Seriously it’s magic, so just stand down here and let them do their thing.

      • housecleaner question :

        Good tip. I may try that. The biggest problem is where the tub meets the shower walls. It’s just gross. Scrubbing doesn’t seem to do anything. I must not be using the right products.

        We’ll see how the maids handle it! If they can get it sparkling clean, it will be worth whatever they charge.

        • Ooh, then you might be looking at having to recaulk. I did that in my shower recently and I am so glad. No more staring at hideous moldy caulk, just nice clean smooth new caulk.

          • YES. especially if it gets moldy all the time there is water getting in there. Bleach the h*ll out of it for a few hours (straight bleach) and then let it dry. Recaulk and let it cure for at least 24 hours.

      • I use Bon Ami to scrub the stove. Takes a bit of elbow grease, but gets off stuff nothing else could.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Careful with this! If you have an older tub, so probably actually ceramic, this will eat away the enamel.

    • Will you be home to meet them? I’d be upfront about your primary goals for the help — i.e., say that the two areas you most want them to prioritize are the shower and the stove, because they’re in the worst shape. Then if they don’t get to the dust bunnies behind the bed until the next session, who cares?

      • housecleaner question :

        Yes, I will be there while they clean! I’m going to tell them to focus on those two areas.

    • My house cleaner charged a higher than normal fee for the initial session to do a deep clean – maybe ask if this is something they’d be willing to do for you?

      • Wildkitten :

        +1 Mine charges extra if you want something particular one-time deep cleaned – like the fridge or the stove. Sounds like your shower would warrant an one time deep clean for extra, and then go back to the regular rate/schedule.

    • Anonattorney :

      They have seen worse, but they still may judge you. But so what!!! Don’t worry about it.

      I remember when I moved out of an apartment I’d been in for a while and hadn’t ever done a deep clean, and hadn’t cleaned at all in a while because I knew I was moving. I hired cleaners to come in and clean instead of doing it myself. When we did the initial walk through the guy leaned over to me and said, “You aren’t planning on getting your deposit back, are you?” I knew he was judging me. But, whatever man. Whatever. (that’s what I keep saying to myself to try and avoid feeling the shame)

    • I can 100% guarantee they have seen worse. My pre-clean before the housekeeper arrives is to:
      run and unload the dishwasher and make sure no dishes are left in the sink
      put away any items that do not live on the counters/tables
      and start a load of sheets in the washer in the morning (I HATE folding sheets so if I time it out right, one set will be made into my bed and my second set will be clean and folded in the linen closet.)

      I ask that they begin in the areas I do not like to do myself (bathrooms, stovetops, refrigerator) and then leave a list of areas that need attention if they run out of time. This rarely happens, but ever so often I will finish up the vacuuming, windows or kitchen counters.

    • Mountain Girl :

      Spray your drip pans with oven cleaner and then put them into the oven or someplace secure for several hours or overnight. You will be able to just wipe them clean without much fuss. In fact, the last can of Easy Off oven cleaner had directions on the can for how to clean drip pans.

    • Some cleaning services have before and after pictures. See if they do. Or just Google some to make yourself feel better. Some move out cleans after tenants have trashed places are far, far worse than your shower, I am sure.

  14. Do you guys have any views on John Hardy? I kind of love the dragon necklace but it’s hard to justify 1000+ for fashion (ie, not classic) jewelry.

    Also, do we think dragons are work appropriate? I’m in big law – obviously would not wear to court or a client meeting, but my thought is that it is probably okay in my business casual office on the kind of day I only have internal meetings. Would love to hear other views on this, though.


    • To be honest, when you said dragon necklace I was picturing a giant blinged out dragon pendant. My subsequent Google image search was very tame in comparison.

      That designer isn’t my style but if you love it enough to keep for a long time and wear regularly (as should be the case with any piece in that price range), I’d say go for it. It doesn’t seem office-inappropriate at all.

    • Wildkitten :

      When I search for that I’m seeing perfectly appropriate necklaces for $300 (which is lot – but not $1000).

      • Orangerie :

        I assumed she meant this one:


        • Nothing unprofessional there. I can even see it as being a bit of a power piece. I remember reading about how former SOS Madeline Albright wore pins to signify all sorts of messages – eagles, doves, hawks, bees, etc.

          That said, you asked for views on the brand. I like some of the JH pieces a lot, but while I once considered getting something from JH, I’ve been a bit turned off in recent years. I honestly can’t figure out why except that this happened after I watched a Real Housewives of NJ marathon and a bunch of the “housewives” wore this or similar jewelry…

        • I was considering this one: http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/john-hardy-naga-18k-gold-and-silver-batu-dragon-pendant-necklace-18?ID=630655&CategoryID=16975&LinkType=#fn=FOB%3DJewelry & Accessories%26PRODUCT_DEPARTMENT%3DNecklaces%26spp%3D58%26ppp%3D96%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D%26spc%3D82 items found%26cm_kws%3Djohn%20hardy

          I’ve considered the $300 one too, but something about this one I just like a lot more.

          Thanks all- very helpful views!

  15. hoola hoopa :

    Love the pleats, not sure about the cuffs. Overall love the dress. I can see myself wearing this weekly.

    But $1200 for triacetate/polyester? I would expect wool/silk blend or similar.

    • I have a very similar dress from Brooks Brothers that’s 100% seasonless wool and I wear it all.the.time. I think it was ~ $200 and is seriously one of the best things I’ve ever bought, for work or otherwise.

  16. lucy stone :

    We have an LTE employee in our office right now who is really lacking in office etiquette. I am not the best at coaching employees but would like to try and explain to the LTE some niceties of office life, like you don’t just walk into a C-level exec’s office without knocking, you can’t take hour long personal calls at your desk, etc. Any tips on how to do this?

    • LTE?

    • Wildkitten :

      Who does onboarding for LTEs? They should be the one to explain things.

    • Orangerie :

      If you’re within earshot of the hour-long personal calls at her desk, talk to HR and tell them it’s disrupting your work.

    • If you feel inclined to do this, why not ask this person to go get a cup of coffee and then mention these things then?
      You could probably address this with whoever brought this person in, but I am assuming you are trying to help this employee out and don’t want to go that route….

    • Silvercurls :

      Conduct your conversation in privacy. Approach it in the spirit of “I wanted you to know these things because the information will help you in the future.” (Heck, tell her so directly!) I’m sure there’s a part of you that wants to scream something less diplomatic, but she will take the news better if she doesn’t feel embarassed or singled out or publicly reprimanded.

      Go to Ask A Manager (askamanager[dot]org). Alison Greene has a lot of good advice about how managers can bring up similarly uncomfortable, folks-should-know-this-stuff-by-now topics with their subordinates. I’m talking about workers who need to brush their teeth, clean up their breath, and/or put on deodorant. Such conversations are short-term difficulty that can yield long-term benefits. Good luck!

  17. Heartbroken Anon :

    I’m taking a mental health day off today. I spent most of last night and this morning crying over my boyfriend of almost a year essentially ending things Saturday. He’s been unemployed for most of the year we have been dating and has some personal issues as a result of a pretty bad break up a few years ago. I guess we are on a break and I don’t know if we will ever get back together.

    Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to deal with the next few weeks? I know I will not be ready to date again for awhile and I still really love him and want it to work out. I hate my job so throwing myself into my work wouldn’t be enjoyable. I do not live in the best area for someone my age. It’s pretty much the middle of nowhere so I would have to drive at least an hour to do anything fun on my own. At least I’m crying at home and not at my desk!

    • Lean on your friends. If you can’t throw yourself into work, figure out something else you want to do. Maybe it’s going an amazing trip or re-doing your apt/house, learning a new language or running a 5K…. Throw yourself into whatever it is. If there is just nothing for you in your town, maybe come up with a plan to relocate. For me, long term goals like that always help. You don’t have to do it right now but think about something that you’ve always wanted to do and work towards that.

      In the meantime, I am so sorry you are going through this. Breakups are never easy and especially when it’s something like this where you’re not even really sure what happened. Give yourself time to grieve the relationship. And just try to remind yourself that as much as you hurt right now, you will not hurt like this forever and it will get easier. And it is better to go through the pain now than in another year or two. Hugs.

      • Second the suggestion of doing something active. Exercise will provide at least a temporary serotonin boost, and you can make a project out of it that will help keep you from dwelling on your bad news. Couch to 5k is here:http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/
        181.shtml. I know there is also a swimming one called zero to 1650.

    • workingmomz :

      You sound better off without him! What about an intense workout? Or maybe kickboxing?

    • Ugh breakups are the worst. Sorry you are going through this. :(

      I think it helps to change your routine so you don’t notice the emptiness as much. For example if you used to talk every night at 10 on the phone- do something differently then. Or if date nights were on Thursdays- sign up for a cooking class. And I totally agree with workingmomz- intense cardio with super loud music helps takes the sting out of a breakup.

      This is harsh but I think helpful in the long term. Don’t think about it like going on a break- think about it like a final break up. Mentally labeling it a break just delays the long term healing process. Grieve now, feel terrible now, so that 6 months down the road you’re not waiting around for some guy who was dumb enough to dump you in the first place and still feeling lingering sadness.

      • Also please ignore my terrible grammar and sentence structure. They are doing construction in my office and the hammer and drills are making me lose my mind.

      • Second this.

        I went to meet-ups, poetry readings, evening seminars, just out to a coffee shop with a book. The idea being to totally distract myself. It didn’t take very long before I was okay enough to get back into the normal routine of my life without the ex.

    • are you me? this happened to me last week. things that have made me feel better are getting back on the horse again (go on an online dating site & send flirty emails to other people – it really works), pampering myself (mani-pedis, shopping, splurge on something), watching junky TV that will pull your mind of thinking about it, composing emails to him that you do not (or maybe you do – depends on your situation) send.

    • Heartbroken Anon :

      Thanks for the advice. I’m probably going to go to a yoga class with my sister tonight and she gave me her Hulu account so I’m starting to watch The Good Wife. There’s no possibility of dating for a few months. I still love him and want to be with him and thinks there’s a possibility that he is just going through a difficult time right now. Either way I can’t date for awhile. Thank goodness I already had plans to see a friend this Saturday.

  18. Wedding post–skip ahead if you like!

    My boyfriend and I got engaged! As some of you may remember, I had gotten a diagnosis of “diminished ovarian reserve” about 8 or 9 months ago. We’re in the process of freezing embryos together and want to get married sooner rather than later.

    Are we nuts for thinking we could do a 150 person wedding by the fall (Sept or Nov–conflict in Oct)? Is it terrible to our guests to do a Friday or Sunday wedding so that we can get a venue that quickly? Is a Nov wedding a terrible idea? I’d like to avoid the threat of snow ruining our guests’ travel plans Dec-Feb and don’t want to wait until March because of our fertility concerns.

    Thanks so much! We’re very excited!

    • You can do whatever you want for your wedding and it will not be terrible for your guests. You just have to be understanding that they may not be able to come on short notice/an inconvenient day, particularly if they are from out-of-town. We are doing a Friday wedding (it has been a year since I booked the venue so I don’t remember why we decided to do it on a Friday although I think it was to save money) and I just told all my guests to not stress about coming to the ceremony since they would have to leave work early for it. I also told my few out-of-town guests that it was not a big deal if they could not make the wedding at all and that we would understand completely since they would have to take off work for it. If it is really important to you that all your guests (or even certain people) can make it to your wedding then I would suggest clearing the date with them before you schedule it.

    • Congratulations!
      I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all so long as you are willing to be very flexible, incl. on the date (as in no Saturday night, potentially).
      I would vote for September over November if for no other reason than I would want to have largely good weather anniversaries (which presumably should last you a lifetime) and I think September is so pretty in pictures vs. November which is often not so much. Obviously, people get married in November all the time and whatnot, but since you asked that’s my train of thought….

    • Kontraktor :

      My take on weddings is that people will come if they want to come and can come. There are always going to be conflicts and preferences, and if guests don’t understand that we do our best in planning, and all they want to do is grouch about XYZ specific thing, maybe they shouldn’t come anyway. That said, I might consider adjusting expectations of what you ultimately end up with. I think 150 people in 6-7 months planning is theoretically doable, but the reality of the situation is that many people might not be able to come in November (saving up for Thanksgiving) or on a Friday or Sunday. Or, you might not find venues in your price range. Who knows. If expediency is the primary goal, I might also look into smaller, easier options that might allow you to focus on family/local friends and less large scale coordination. I think there are a lot of great weddings to be had in the 30-75 person range, small dinner, brunch or tea receptions.

      • Great advice, thank you! Truth be told, we would LOVE to have a smaller wedding. My fiance’s family is enormous, though, and very prone to being insulted if we were to invite some but not all. We’ll probably pare it down from the 110+ people (just his relatives!) to something WAY more manageable but I’m trying to be realistic. So from that sense, it’s a plus that some people might not be able to make it, as terrible as that may sound!

        • Kontraktor :

          If you’re up for something less formal, I think a picnic/park/outdoor-ish type wedding would be great in September (weather in most places is still nice) and allow for a ton of people without excessive planning. There seem to be so many historical sites, national/regional parks, etc. that have really neat, more rustic venues that allow for a big crowd and the ease of doing a more casual reception. I always liked reading on Offbeat Bride (another good online resource) about all the casual-ish picnic weddings. They seemed so much fun and not nearly the detailed coordination required for a formal sit down thing.

        • I was similarly situated re: guest-count (Husband’s family comes from a culture where weddings are HUGE and it is commonplace to invite all manner of distant relatives, etc.). Do not count on short notice doing the work for you. Per my comment below, we gave far less notice than you are able to and virtually everyone that was invited (almost all of whom were from out of town) accepted. Granted, we live in a city people want an excuse to visit, but ye be warned.

    • I agree with AIMS. Do it in September for the nice weather. I personally think weddings thrown together in 4-6 months end up being lovely because you focus on what really matters without getting bogged down in all the should-haves. Good luck with the wedding and the embryos both!

      • Also, if you haven’t already, check out A Practical Wedding. They’ve featured a number of weddings planned on short timelines.

        • Thanks so so much! That book is actually awaiting my arrival at home tonight–thanks, Amazon!

      • Diana Barry :

        +2. And congrats!!!

    • Congratulations! FWIW, I got married on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and it worked pretty well. Family did come in earlier that week and my MOH hosted Thanksgiving dinner for everyone who was here early. It meant that a few people couldn’t come or had other plans, but for the most part, it was just fine. My cousins drove down from Ohio and the Thanksgiving break gave them the time to do that. Of course, here, Thanksgiving can be 60 or 80 degrees (no snow!). It was warm during the day, poured rain in the afternoon, then got chilly in the evening for the wedding.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I got married the very day after Thanksgiving and it worked out fine. Granted, almost everybody was local, so YMMV, but it was great. And if you want to keep your wedding small, so much the better.

    • Meg Murry :

      I personally am frustrated by Friday weddings when I have limited vacation time since it requires pretty much everyone who wants to come to the ceremony to take a vacation day for Friday (and Thursday as well if they aren’t local). If you don’t mind that a lot of your guests may skip the ceremony and only come to the reception (if they live close enough to do that) then ok, go for it – just make sure to verbally tell people “we understand you may not be able to make it to the ceremony but we still would love to see you at the reception”. So if its important to you that lots of your friends and family come – than yes, Friday = not a good idea. I personally wouldn’t mind a Sunday afternoon wedding as much, but I would expect it would be a much lower-key reception (afternoon cake & champange, not dinner and dancing until all hours). But its your wedding so you have to decide what your #1 is: having it soon, having all the people you want able to attend, having it at your dream location/dream date, having it fit within X budget, etc. Because every wedding is about compromising one priority over another, so discuss with your fiance what the 2 of you prioritize.

      If you really want to get married sooner rather than later would you consider a small (courthouse or church) wedding now and just throw a reception/party later? That would eliminate a big chunk of the planning since you wouldn’t have to do anything big for ceremony flowers, bridesmaids dresses, etc etc.

      • Thanks, we’ve definitely considered the small ceremony now and the party later–perhaps we should revisit that idea!

        • Kontraktor :

          My wedding (the actual thing) was 35 people including me, hubs and photographer. So, 33 guests. granted, we have teeny tiny families, but the small size and intimacy was perfect and didn’t make it feel any less like a wedding. Just encouragement if you do decide to do a small intimate thing now and a bigger thing later; you can still have 100% the wedding experience even if it’s small. :-)

    • It’s not nuts to think it, but you’re going to need to be very flexible on venue size and cost to find something that quick. But seriously, just do it! I’m not super traditional, so this might not be for you, but to me there’s no harm in trying and picking a date in the future. You can either start trying closer to your date or pick a date a year later and just try and see where you end up. Lifetime commitment happens when you make the decision, not when you throw a party :).

      • Totally agree–we’re considering that as well. We’re just worried that it will take a while and that we wouldn’t get to have the wedding for a few more years–general consensus seems to be that you should wait until you’re done br3astfeeding so you’re not stopping every two hours to take your gown off!

        • Great points! I’d also say, look at ‘untraditional’ venues depending on where you are. Any room can be dressed up to look amazing, you just need the physical space. Or consider a tented wedding (they even have AC now). Congratulations and best of luck!!

    • Olivia Pope :

      1. I did a 300 person wedding in five months. It wasn’t hard, because my tastes are much simpler and I was more than happy to have certain folks handle things. (My mom LOVES flowers, I told her ivory flowers and she handled the rest, etc). Avoid controlling every little thing (e.g. I assigned people to tables but I didn’t do a specific chart about each seat). My wedding went off without a hitch and I wish I could do it again! Man, that was fun.

      2. Do a quick venue check for Saturday before committing to a Fri/Sun wedding. I would feel bad about making people take a day off from work. If every venue that works is booked for Saturdays in the month that works, then do what you have to do and understand that some people may not make it.

      3. Accept what you cannot control, which includes the weather. I had a few guests unable to make it because of a blizzard in another part of the country (in March). I would not mind attending a November wedding. Plus, it’s off season so everything will probably be cheaper!

      Basically, my advice is to relax. Figure out what is important to you and your fiancé, do that well, and let go of everything else. That is also my advice for marriage, actually.

      • Thanks so much–great advice! I’m definitely not that picky about things so that should help! I’d love to have someone just handle the whole thing with a “make it beautiful” instruction.

        • On this note, if you can afford it, hire a coordinator. If not, empower a friend and just show examples of what you like. Set a budget and let it go. Anything looks good in off white and candlelight.

    • Congrats! Not crazy to do a wedding in the fall, particularly if you’re not locked into one particular ‘dream venue.’ I personally don’t like Friday weddings as much because they require more vacation time, but I think Sunday weddings are great, particularly if you do a morning ceremony and an afternoon party, so people can travel home that evening and not miss work (although I’m biased because that’s what I did – and we had a crazy dance floor, so it definitely doesn’t have to be a dainty tea party!). But I agree with previous posters that you can’t possibly please all your guests and you should do what works for you. If you have a Friday wedding, some small percentage of people may choose not to come, but the bulk of your guests will be thrilled for you and will take the necessary time off so they can celebrate with you. Personally, I don’t think the weather matters that much, unless you want to have it outdoors. More people are probably likely to miss the wedding because of weather delays in November but you never know. We got married in August and some of our immediate family had their flights cancelled for two days in a row because of massive thunderstorms in the northeast and had to rent a car and drive 15 hours to the wedding – so there can be weather problems even in the “good weather” months. And November, especially early November, is usually still fairly decent weather-wise in most parts of the country. If you have a lot of guests traveling, I’d try to avoid the Thanksgiving weekend (and probably even the weekend before) because that time is such a clusterf*ck for air travel. Happy planning! For what its worth, I had a long engagement and kind of hated it – I felt like it gave me time to second guess every decision and get nervous about everything. So long as you’re flexible I think you can plan a fantastic wedding in 6 months!

    • We had a 225+ person wedding on a Saturday night in a city where it is commonplace to book your venue a year or more in advance within 3 months of getting engaged (engaged in June, married in September). You have loads of time! ;-)

      I would call around to your preferred venues first and figure out what is available, then worry about which days are best for you and the guests that are most near and dear. I don’t think Sunday is a bad option, but would steer clear of Friday–especially if you are inviting a lot of out of town guests. Just lock down your venue ASAP so you can let people know the date and then worry about the rest. (Pro Tip: Negotiate everything! Our wedding would have easily cost twice as much if we had followed the usual 1+ year timeline. On a short time frame, the vendors that are available are in a “your money vs. no money” situation…use that leverage)

    • We did a Sunday morning wedding, brunch reception, a) because brunch is the yummiest, and b) we were able to get the venue (DC area) with 7 months notice that way. We actually had a few location options by shooting for a Sunday morning. It was definitely a different dynamic than a Saturday night wedding, but it worked and allowed the out-of-towners to aim for their offices Monday morning.

      • “because brunch is the yummiest”

        I can tell from this alone that I would have really enjoyed your wedding :)

    • anonforthis :

      My sister got engaged Mother’s day weekend and had 161 people at her wedding on a Saturday in early October in DC. You might have to be a little more open with venue ideas because September/October is prime wedding season in a lot of places but it’s definitely not unheard of. She picked a reception venue with its own caterer/bar service which negated the need to find a caterer she liked that wasn’t already booked. She got a DJ instead of a band, etc. But honestly, it was a really fun wedding. Start looking at venues ASAP and see what you find!

  19. Meg Murry :

    Also as an FYI – my sister is getting married this November and a lot of bridal shops have told us we need to order bridesmaid dresses by June to be safe and not have to pay rush shipping or chance them coming too late for alterations. So you can definitely do this fall but you might need to pay for some things to be rushed or do things like get off-the-rack bridesmaid dresses from Nordstrom instead of ordering from a traditional bridesmaid’s shop (which I wish we could do for this wedding, but that’s another story …)

    • Meg Murry :

      Oops, that was for Batgirl. And congrats!

      • Thank you! I’m definitely not opposed to having bridesmaids just wear shades of one color or something like that–very loose idea of what could work!

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