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Weekend Open Thread

Steve Madden Vaale Cross Strap Sandal Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Is it sandal weather yet? It's totally sandal weather, right!? Maybe? Kinda? If, like me, you're dreaming of pedicures and hot weekend sandals, these sexy, slightly gold sandals from Steven look great. (They also come in black.)  They're $108.95 at Nordstrom. Steven by Steve Madden'Vaale' Cross Strap Sandal This looks like a nice option that comes in narrow and wide widths as well. (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

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218 Comments

  1. Thank you for the input on my late post yesterday, on what Sante Fe is like for a trailing spouse with kids.
    To answer the questions, our children are school aged; one in elementary school, one in middle school.
    His employer will assist with housing, as they do in our current HCOL posting.
    I suspect we will stay for 2 years, and then decide where to go next based on who gets the best offer (we have been taking turns trailing each other).
    Sante Fe is MUCH smaller than anywhere we have ever lived.
    I am intrigued by last night’s comment that it is the only place the respondent knew where “living on a dirt road is a status symbol”.

    1. I’ve only visited, but I just went to NM for the first time this year and it was incredible. It is very, very different from major cities I have lived in, but I would enjoy the adventure of living somewhere so different if I knew it was for a limited about of time. I agree with the person yesterday who said to travel. In SF you are so close to an entire other area of the country that is extremely different and unique and absolutely beautiful. It is so easy to travel to Texas, throughout New Mexico, the Grand Canyon, Mexico proper, Utah and parks like Bryce Canyon, and even Southern California. I would make sure you take advantage of all of that and learn about the history and culture in that area which is fascinating. I definitely wouldn’t want to live somewhere that small for the long term, but if I knew there was an end date, it would be an amazing adventure.

    2. I am from New Mexico and used to work in Santa Fe. Housing is expensive, but the city is interesting. It is definitely nothing like a big city. There is really very little public transportation within the city. As someone said earlier, the public elementary schools are ok. But the public middle and high schools are not great. There are a number of smaller charter schools and private schools that are better. Santa Fe Prep is where my colleagues sent their older kids.

      There is a vibrant artist community in Santa Fe, it is also the state capital so almost all the State’s government agencies are located in Santa Fe. The city gets a fair amount of snow (for the southwest, I should say!) in the winter but there is almost no snow/ice removal system. There are some great museums, art galleries, and restaurants in Santa Fe and there are a number of Native American pueblos nearby that are nice to visit. If you like outdoorsy activities, there is lots of hiking and skiing nearby.

      What other questions do you have?

    3. I have to smile a bit. Living on a dirt road in the northern half of VA is also a status symbol.

    4. That was me with the dirt road comment.

      Definitely look into schools when you’re looking at housing. I don’t know enough to tell you where the best ones are, but I would expect most real estate sites include school grading info.

      It really is a lovely place to live. You get some of the advantages of a city – nice restaurants, galleries, and culture – while living in a place with a small town feel. The culture of northern NM is truly unique, so you can absorb that for 2 years. The Farolito Walk along Agua Fria is my absolute favorite Christmas tradition. And Fiestas is great fun and packed with locals.

      Really, the more I write about it, the more jealous I get.

    5. I lived in Southern New Mexico, not Santa Fe, but it was a major culture shock to me coming from Boston. The major thing that it took me the longest to get used to was the slower pace. In Boston, we walked fast, we talked fast, and we got things done quickly. Southern New Mexico was the land of mañana – a lot of people moved at a slower pace, there was a lot more chit-chat in every transaction, and if someone said they would get back to you “tomorrow”, that usually meant “not today, probably not tomorrow, maybe sometime in the next week”. But the slower pace also meant that there was far less of the pressure to always be going, going, going, hurry hurry rush rush. It took me a while to not be frustrated when someone was slowly checking out my groceries, or slowly counting out my change at the bank while making chit-chat – I was used to the “get in, get out, there is a line of people behind you” pace from the East Coast.

      New Mexico is the only state where English and Spanish are both the official language, so you will encounter a lot of Spanish, and it is hard to get a job (even part time retail) if you aren’t fluent in Spanish, at least in the Southern half of the state, not sure if it is quite as prevalent in the north. Some schools also offer bilingual classrooms where children are taught in both Spanish and English – in some districts, its a great program where you kids will be fully immersed in Spanish and do great and learn tons, but in others it is targeted at students who are English language learners and often far behind the rest of the grade level – so ask lots of questions before signing your kids up for a bilingual program.

      But once you get used to it, its a beautiful place to live. Be aware that the legislative session meets for only 30 or 60 days a year from mid-January to mid-March (I believe) and Santa Fe is crazy during those weeks, but calm the rest of the year. Are you going to Santa Fe proper, or Los Alamos or the surrounding area?

      1. Oh, and enjoy the food! My kingdom for a fresh homemade tortilla and abundant avocados and citrus!

      2. If you were going to Los Alamos, ignore everything I said about schools. Los Alamos public schools are awesome.

    6. Thanks everyone. Early days yet so not sure about schools. If they are bad where we end up, will definitely consider private although they’ve always been in good public schools. Will try to get a sense of school districts. We will be renting so that may impact how much choice we have reagrding what school we would be zoned for.

      1. I live in Albuquerque but do a lot of business in Santa Fe. There is ample info online about schools – some are much better than others – but one thing you’ll probably find is that many/most of the families in your income bracket, and your professional colleagues, send their kids to private or the better charter schools. Definitely do a lot of research about not just the public schools, but the private and charter options – private doesn’t necessarily mean “better” here in NM, unfortunately.

        If it was me – I would stay out of the center of town for rental property (you’ll pay a lot, compared to what you’d pay for a similar place that wasn’t in the middle of town) and look out on the north side of town, the part you pass on the way to the Opera House, or for a property out near the I-25 bypass road.

  2. FI and I will be attending my friend’s birthday dinner tomorrow which will be around $40 per head. Am I still expected to bring a gift? We are all mid-late 20s professionals.

    1. I say no. Going (and paying for your own dinner) is gift enough. Grown ups don’t need birthday presents, unless you really, really want to.

    2. I’m not Emily Post, but my understanding of birthday dinners/lunches/etc. is that you are only “expected” to bring a gift if your gift could legitimately be purchased at Toys R’Us. If the birthday boy/girl has outgrown that store, then gifts aren’t required.

      (Obviously every family and circle of friends will differ, I’ll always show up with a gift for my mom for example, but you get where I’m going with this).

    3. I would be really clear about this in the invite if it was me, but if I was having a birthday dinner for my friends, I would feel terrible if someone also brought a gift! The gift is spending time and celebrating with me, I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like they have to buy me stuff. I’m a grownup, I buy my own stuff.

      Now when I’ve gone to these for my friends, we have sometimes secretly conspired with the server to make sure that the birthday gal/guy doesn’t have to pay for their own meal, so that is our gift. But YMMV, these were always pretty inexpensive fun dinners, and we made sure no one felt obligated to pitch in, it was completely voluntary.

      1. We do this too – generally involving someone asking the birthday person to accompany them to the bathroom or to the smoking area while the rest of us sort out the bill.

    5. I’ve been to tons of these and no one ever brings a gift. Sometimes someone will bring flowers, but never a gift.

    6. Same age group as you and what my friend groups generally do is no gift unless it’s a cheap gag gift or a giftcard under $20 to amazon, target, starbucks, or similar with a handwritten card. we do conspire to pay for the birthday person’s meal or an extra dessert/drink for them and the rest of us split the bill.

    7. I’d bring a little something- inexpensive wine, cookies, a book…No one will remember what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them feel. A little thoughtful gesture can go a long way.

  3. Hello Hive,
    Styling advice needed.
    I am entering the job hunt scene. My former black suit is 7 years old and no longer a great fit and I decided to set aside 2 interview outfits. I have been to 8 stores so far and no luck (this is the sad reality in my country, and we don’t have petite sizing).
    Looking in my wardrobe, I found the most amazing tailored Tahari blazer, it is navy, no lapel, very sleek with the slightest peplum detail in the back (barely noticeable).
    My safest bet is:
    A- Find 2 separates to go with it. I cannot find the exact color in skirts and pants, so would having 3 colors be overkill? as in white shirt, gray skirt and navy blazer or something along these lines?
    B- Find great dresses to save the hassle of finding a blouse. I prefer Fit & Flare but can also do A-line which are both very flattering cuts on my hippy petite figure. What solid colors would you go for with a dark navy blazer? I am African with Halle Berry skin tone.

    I would be interviewing for corporate PR or consulting.
    P.S. I will keep looking for suits and will eventually buy one or 2 but right now I need an immediate emergency interview attire.

    1. I think that’s a god idea for work but would not wear separates to an interview.

    2. I would go with the dress option (gray? camel?) as I think that would read as “intentional choice” than the skirt/blouse/jacket combo.

    3. For an emergency outfit, I would go with a dress over an unmatching skirt. Solid colors that would work well and would also be conservative include most shades of blue, most shades of brown/tan and most shades of grey. Go for more conservative shades such as royal blue and charcoal. Outside of interviews, bright colors like red, fuchsia, coral, emerald green and possibly even eggplant would pop against navy and look great with your coloring (I have a similar skintone and these are some of my favorites).

      1. I said I am buying a suit, but since the 8 stores I have been to do not carry petite sizing, it might take some time :)

        1. No get one though!! Order it online, buy it and get it tailored if you need to just make it happen!!

          1. She’s in Morocco -I doubt buying online will meet “emergency” time requirements. Zelda above has good advice.

          2. I do not have the option to buy online. So I’m noting Zelda’s recommendations and this will be my mission next week.

  4. This may be a silly question, but…how do you give notice in Big Law? I don’t have one person I consider my boss because there are many partners I work for. Which of the following people do I tell and in what order? Who do I give my official resignation letter to?
    –The partners I work for currently
    –The manager of my practice group, who I know and have worked for in the past
    –Firm’s HR (I assume we must have one but have never interacted with them)
    –Partner in charge of my office, who I know casually but have never worked with

    1. When I’ve given notice before, I started with my practice group leader, then the partners that I work with, then HR (who usually requested an email with my resignation and final work day…but no official letter), associates that I’m close with, and then let the word spread from there.

    2. When I’ve given notice before, I started with my practice group leader, then the partners that I work with, then HR (who usually requested an email with my resignation and final work day…but no official letter), associates that I’m close with, and then let the word spread from there.

    3. I did this on Monday! I told the partners I do the most work for in descending order, then emailed our office Director of Admin and Director of HR together.

    4. Dept head, then ask him/her who else he/she would like you to notify. Do it in person if possible, by phone if not possible. I’d then notify the various folks you’re working for/have worked for in the past in order of importance to you — keep in mind that the news will travel fast, so be prepared to make the rounds immediately after the dept head conversation and talk to those who you have a close relationship first.

      Good luck & congratulations!

  6. Any recommendations for summer sandals that are comfortable for a lot of walking? I’m headed to Italy for vacation soon, and I’m trying to find sandals that are comfortable enough for a day of walking everywhere, but still attractive enough to wear to dinner. Any suggestions?

    1. I bought the CAT caterpillar wedge shoes in a tan suede color. I have walked several days in a row in them no issues. And I have problematic feet and lower back but these were very comfy.

    2. I can’t speak to them personally, but I remember hearing great things about the Madewell sandals a couple years ago. The sightseer crisscross sandal looks similar to the ones I had seen at that time.

    3. I did a lot of Italian sightseeing this winter in a pair of Sven clogs, and I was extremely happy with their comfort. I’d recommend looking at Sven or Swedish Hasbeen sandals–I find them less clunky/more fashionable than Danskos with similar comfort.

      1. Swedish Hasbeens look like blocks of wood to me. I am genuinely curious, not snarky – are they actually comfortable? They just remind me of old school Dr. Scholls or Candies, which were not comfortable at all.

        I’ve never seen the Hasbeens in real life, just in images online.

        Educate me, please!

        1. Fair question and totally understood. I’ve actually never worn Hasbeens, but my Sven’s are constructed similarly (wooden sole) and I find them very comfortable. It may well depend on a good match between your foot shape and the shape of the particular shoe but I’ve been very happy. Possibly also relevant: I have fairly flat feet and need some amount of arch support; walking all day long in a well-made/sturdy but totally flat ballet flat will give me ankle pain. The slight incline on the clog combined with the basic immobility of the wooden footbed seems to do the trick in the “supportive” department.

      2. Are Swedish Hasbeens really comfortable? They look like blocks of wood to me.

        Genuinely curious, not being snarky!

        Also, apologies if this shows up twice, I hit post but the post did not appear.

    4. Soft wedges are super comfy and even though they are higher heels I still find I can walk forever in them and be ok. I also have some paul green sandals that are comfy (but pricey).

    5. I did most of my Italian sightseeing in Gentle Souls sandals and my legs got tired well before my feet felt any effects. No break in period either.

    6. I’ve used low-heeled Naturalizer sandals the last few summers. They’re comfortable for walking, but also pretty. The downside is they always get beat up looking very quickly.

    7. Naot has a lot of styles, mostly very casual but some are dressier and super comfortable.

  7. Recently engaged to my long-term SO.

    I have a very good relationship with his family (parents and siblings). However, I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable when it comes to money and his mom. Relevant contextual details include: (1) SO and I grew up in upper-middle class households with approximately equal family incomes; (2) my parents are much better with money and, as such, have put aside a comfortable amount for retirement whereas his parents have not, and struggles in recent years have exacerbated this disparity; (3) i am established in my career and out-earn SO and all of SO’s siblings by a considerable margin. I don’t think I’m particularly flashy/materialistic, I don’t want or need many things, but I do enjoy nicer things and can afford to buy them (ex: I have one handbag for day-to-day use, but it is a $500 handbag. if history is a guide, i’ll use it for a few years and then replace it once it starts to show significant wear).

    Recently, his mom has started making general comments about money (how expensive things are, how other people choose to spend their money, government policies, etc). It’s pretty judgmental, and it is making me uncomfortable. I absolutely, positively think it is coming from a place of sadness/embarrassment at their current situation, but I also don’t like feeling judged for working hard/being successful/saving money/etc. And I can see that it will potentially get worse in the future as we move forward with buying a home (which will likely be 4-5 times what SO’s sibling just spent on a home, for example).

    For those of you with nosy/inquisitive/judgmental in-laws when it comes to your money (which, really, shouldn’t be any of their business anyway!), how do you deal? I don’t want to start arguments, or engage – but I think i need some strategies for changing the subject and not taking things personally.

    1. I frequently note that I prefer quality when people comment on my tastes. My family spend way more than I do but I’m the type who would rather one perfect item than many okay items. So if you were to tally a single outfit sure it might cost more, but my wardrobe as a whole costs less. I think it’s a matter of consumerist ideology and I don’t think you can ever change someone, but you can make them aware you don’t share their ideology.

      1. I suppose when confronted by rude people your response is justified. But I hope the way you put it doesn’t make anyone feel like you are saying their stuff is sh*t.

      2. I agree with Anon at 2:34. It’s hard to imagine “I prefer quality” coming off as anything other than judgy. Which may be what the situation calls for but you need to be sure that’s the case.

        1. It usually happens in situations where someone will point out ‘I can’t believe you have real pearls, those are so expensive’ and then I’ll respond ‘but, I’ll own them forever’

    2. I think it is best to ignore their comments (I know it can be hard) and carry on with whatever you want to do with your money. I think the bigger problem will be IF they start expecting you to help them or your fiance’s siblings in significant way as you earn more. I don’t know the solution for that either…

    3. Don’t take it personally (says the woman who screams into a pillow regularly after talking to in laws). I’ve tried to realize they’re judging me and I am also judging them, so really we’re even.

      After slipping up a few times (due to frustration/browbeating) and sharing how much things cost, it only makes things worse. When it’s not a direct question, but something like a government tax rant, I just change the subject after the rant (something like oh! did you see X story on the news as though I just remembered it). When I’m point blank asked, sometimes I am clever (let’s not ruin dinner by talking about money), then sometimes why do you ask, and honestly sometimes I just answer (or say a small fortune, etc.) If they’re rude about it, then I call them on it. Doesn’t work well but it’s what I’ve got.

    4. Maybe just do your best to remember that these comments are really not about you, they are (as you noted) a reflection of your in-laws’ discomfort/issues. So if you can adopt a silent mantra that will allow letting these comments pass without any fuss or reaction from you whatsoever, it might help the situation for all involved. Try to imagine the critical/judgmental words just disintegrating in the air as you pause and let the time pass, without responding verbally at all. And then, as you also note, change the subject. To something entirely different.

    5. Just ignore her. She’s not making personal comments to you, no need to take it personally.

    6. No help, but sympathy. I mentioned to my MIL once that I’d gotten a dress at NM as part of their big July sales (she specifically asked what store I’d found it because she liked it so much), and she then said “oh you mean Needless Markup, I don’t ever set foot in there, it’s outrageous.” OK then.

      1. Ugh all you can really do is smile stupidly when something like that happens. Just keeping the peace

    7. I can relate to this. My FIL was a trademan and my MIL, a secretary. They did not want H to go to college, but to become a cabinet maker. However, we both have advanced degrees and make pretty good money.
      There is a fair bit of commentary about how much we make, that I make more than him, that we are redoing our kitchen after “only” 11 years (hard wear, as we’ve had an nanny and small children at home all day all that time), and yet they just re-did one of their bathrooms after the same amount of time.
      They comment on how rich we must be to afford a nanny. Uh, it’s cheaper than daycare for 3 kids. And, obviously we can have two incomes and therefore afford a nanny. I did make a deadly mistake once when FIL was commenting about affording the nanny. I said something to the effect that H did not want to stay home with the kids, and that his income more than paid for the nanny. So, then they knew that I make more money than their son (who they, and their other son, totally idolize).
      My favourite was when she started complaining that “the rich people are ruining our neighbourhood” (they live 4 blocks from us) because a lot of the stores and restaurants are pretty tony now. Um, rich people? People like my H and I, basically.

      I also am not flashy. I tend to buy good things that last, and only in small quantities, I’d rather have quality over quantity and there is no way she knows how much my handbag or my watch cost. We drive a minivan.

      I think you just don’t engage. I just change the subject or make a lighthearted joke.

    8. Oh boy can I relate to this! I tend to buy nice things so I can only buy them once. I’ll buy a really nice purse and use it for 10 years, but that doesn’t seem to matter to my in-laws. My current favorite purse is the Gucci I purchased in Italy (2 years ago), and it never fails – ILs say “oh, those are like $500, I don’t understand why anyone would ever spend money on something stupid like a purse.” In that case, the “quality” comment is justified because they were being super rude to begin with.

      Also super awesome – my MIL’s car is around 15 years old, and my Uncle-in-law yelled at my husband, telling him it was absolutely unacceptable, horrible, and irresponsible for me to own a horse when my MIL needed a new car. I just never could figure out what MIL’s car had to do with my finances…(especially since husband has 3 sisters!)

      I totally agree with Anon at 2:23 – try really hard not to share how much things actually cost. I’m really bad about this, because the “normal” people I hang out with all are kind of in my same income bracket, and share the same hobbies, and so know what riding and showing and all that “stuff” costs anyway. I try and say “a lot” or something like “half my bonus” when they ask how much something costs, because they have no idea what “a lot” means and they certainly don’t know how much my yearly bonus is.

      Trying not to engage can be really hard, but try your best. And try really hard to not tell them anything specific about costs or incomes.

  8. Considering traveling to Mexico City this fall for pleasure–any recommendations or travel stories from those of you who have been there?

    1. 1) spend a morning in xochimilco. rent a boat (don’t get talked into going for hours. A one or two hour ride is plenty) and hire some marimbas and mariachis. Bring your own wine if you want something besides beers.
      2) visit the Zocalo and the Templo Mayor. have lunch in one of the nice restaurants overlooking the square.
      3) go to Centro de Tlalpan rather than Coyoacan. Have a drink in the cantina, which is an authentic Mexican cantina, or enjoy dinner at Goliardos.
      4) Take a stroll in La Roma. Enjoy the art deco buildings and an ice cream at Neveria Roxy

      I could go on and on. What a great city.

    2. Oh and stay at the St. Regis. It is FABULOUS- one of my favorite st. regises – and a bargain for the level of comfort and service at something like $270 a night.

    3. Definitely see the Anthropology Museum and Chapultepec Castle (both in close proximity to one another). Another nearby neighborhood is Polanco (lots of nice restaurants and parks).

    4. Condesa is a great neighbourhood for strolling – tree-lined streets, terrific 60s modern residential buildings, cafes. The pyramids at Teotihuacan are an easy and eye-popping day-trip (or half-day even).

    5. Absolutely eat tacos al pastor from one of the roadside shops (unless you don’t eat pork). Best thing I have eaten in my life and, unfortunately, one of the few in Mexico that doesn’t turn my stomach. Also, there is a beer-with-a-spicy straw combination called Michelada. Be forewarned that this tastes very much like it sounds.

  9. Guys, my uterus is reallllllly being terrible right now. Does anyone else suffer from debilitating menstrual cramps and associated symptoms (extreme bloat, vomiting, etc.)? How do you deal when it is a monthly thing, other than timing your BC to start on the weekend so the worst happens when you can be home rather than at work?

    1. Have you considered changing your BCP? It sounds as if your hormone balance is still a bit off. Menstrual symptoms should improve and not be debilitating. Personally, I would ask my doctor for something different.

    2. Try acupuncture. I think it took about two cycles for the cramping to be eliminated almost completely.

      Also, you may want to seek if you can be checked for uterine polyps (different from fibroids). During an IF work-up, I found out I had polyps, which are supposed to cause severe cramping. They were removed (but after I started the acupuncture, so I can’t give a definitive answer as to the solution.)

    3. I opt out entirely. I take BC continuously (new Nuvaring every 3 weeks, or skipping the placebo pills when I was on the pill) rather than taking a week off for a period, as it is not medically necessary to have a period. Unless you have a history of breast cancer in your family (in which case you may or may not want to talk to your MD about whether you should be on hormonal BC at all), there is no reason for any woman to suffer through menstruation unless she wants the security blanket of seeing it each month (and I understand some women prefer that). The freedom not having a period gives me has been priceless–no need to buy tampons, no need to worry about which underwear I am wearing, no needless spikes and lows in hormones, no bloating, no pain, no mood swings. It’s pretty glorious.

      1. I typically opt out every other month but I get uneasy about having not having a period for longer than 2 months. I should consider extending it though, I think.

        1. I wonder if this is part of the problem? FWIW, when I have my period every month, it’s annoying but manageable. I opted out a couple months ago because I was going to be on vacation, and the period after the opt-out was excruciating.

      2. I second this. I get horrible PMS (as in going from utter rage to crying in bed to totally fine within an hour) and being continuously on the pill has changed my life. I love it and it has made my life so much easier. This was a suggestion from my GYN so of course talk to your doctor about your specific experience.

      3. I do this too. My life is so boring there’s no need for the ‘security’ of a monthly check so it works for me!

      4. Totally agree! Did this for…hmm…14 years before going off BC because we were finally ready for a kid. It worked great. There are a couple of different ways to do it continuous nuvaring, Seasonale, or ortho-cyclen (sp?) while skipping the placebo pills. Also Depo provera, but I gained weight like mad on that one.

        1. I haven’t gotten my period in 5 years on the pill, and I DO take the placebo pills. It just stopped. Doc says it’s fine, and I love it. Not pregnant anytime soon (or maybe ever), so it’ll be like this for the foreseeable future.

        1. Yep. I’m on my second one, I haven’t had a period in eight years. It’s awesome.

    4. I had this and it was endometriosis. Have you discussed that with your doctor? I had laproscopic surgery, and it was life changing. The surgery also caught a couple polyps, as PHX mentioned.

      1. +100. Had this and it caused horrendous cramps to the point I almost passed out from pain at work before finally being diagnosed.

    5. I had my doctor check my hormone levels – I was put on progesterone to help with the severe cramping, and for the most part it worked. Every once in a while, I get really bad cramps again, but more in the range of once every six to nine months instead of every single month. No BCP ever helped with the cramping, despite trying four or five different ones.

    6. I’m with you i have a terrible period and i’m on the pill and have tried several pills. Its gotten worse with age and my gymo said that its possible for it to be worse not better. I dont vomit but i know have debilitating cramps and strong stomach pain. Sometimes i cant sit or stand. I end up squatting or on my knees and hands and it passes or eases up i confess to my friends i want my uterus removed. I’m interested in getting a second opinion and i need to see someone for the stomach pain but she doesnt think its endometriosis. :/ feel better

    7. What you are describing got me into my GYN – diagnosis was Endometriosis
      Unlike BB, surgery did not fix the issue for me…
      Mirena IUD is helping

      Make sure the GYN understands all of your symptoms

  10. Shopping help: looking for a pair of floral pumps, about 3 inches and under $100. TIA

        2. I have these by Nine West, and I don’t think they are actually 4″. http://www.dsw.com/shoe/nine+west+gwendle+watercolor+pump?prodId=dsw12prod5980095&productRef=SEARCH

          The Flax is 3.5″ http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/nine-west-flax-pumps?ID=2172504&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&CAWELAID=120156340001738449&catargetid=120156340001070836&cadevice=c&cm_mmc=Google_Nongender_Shoes_PLA_PLA-_-Nongender+Shoes+Brands_Nine+West-_-65707777983_-_-_mkwid_y89Yh12p|dc_65707777983%7C-%7Cy89Yh12p

    2. Sam edelman Circus (on piperlime), item numbers 822999 and 854800 on n-strom

  12. I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but… I’m in big law and I just scheduled a final round interview for a government job that I want. I’ve heard (from people who work there/have recently worked there) that if you make it this far you’re pretty much going to get an offer. I’ve also heard that if an offer is made in the interview that it is generally expected that you accept on the spot. I would ordinarily have no problem with this, except for the fact that I’m 32 weeks pregnant (due mid-May). My firm gives us 18 weeks paid leave, and obviously I could really use both the time with my newborn and my higher salary for that time period. As a new government employee I doubt I would get anything as generous as that.

    In an ideal world, I’d get everything – the government job plus the longer mat leave/higher salary. But in order to get that I would have to ask the government job to wait several months before I started, plus somehow work it out with my firm. I also don’t know if I’m being too greedy. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to proceed or raise this as an issue?

    1. Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open Thread’s and these sandeals from Nordstrom. They are not to pricey, but I can NOT get reimbursement from the manageing partner b/c he will NOT let me show my toe’s at work, so I will have to personaly pass. FOOEY! I will show Rosa, b/c she LOVES Nordstrom’s also and she can drive down any time she want’s to Weschester Mall. YAY for Rosa!

      As for the OP, since you are 32 week’s pregnant, and likely are VERY big by now, ask the goverment guy’s to give you an offer, but give it a springing aceptance, meaning they wait for you and delay your official hiring and start date for a while until you exhaust your private law firm benefit’s . That way, you can stay with your firm, and get paid a lot of money (more then goverment) on their paid FLMA or whatever it’s called. Then, once they tell you to come back, give your 2 week’s notice and start your goverment job officialy THEN. You will find that the goverment job is much easier and you will probably NEVER have to work overtime. The benefits are good and the people generaly good, tho there are a lot of wacko’s who work for the goverment that could NEVER get a private sector job that you have to look out for. So don’t let them get to you! YAY!

      Tomorrow is my birthday–YAY, I guess, b/c I am 34. Frank is telling me I am an old maid and need a husband. He has a nephew who is 35 who want’s to meet me but he does NOT have a job and does NOT bathe regulearly. FOOEY!

      I will see my family this weekend and MYRNA has agreed to drive me to Chapaqua and stay over with ROSA and ED and the kid’s. Her kid’s love Myrna b/c she tells scarey stories that even I am scared about, even tho I have heard many of them before. Ed also like’s Myrna, but after Ed’s indiscretion with that stripper in NYC, Rosa does NOT like Ed alone or around pretty women who he can ooogle– OR WORSE! FOOEY!

      So I warned Myrna to keep from being in a room ONLEY with him, even for a moment, b/c we never know what trouble he can get into with his winkie. Myrna agreed to steer clear of places where he could corner her, tho I think Ed will NOT do anything funny in his own house with Rosa and the kid’s nearby. It is MY birthday, so I want to be the center of attention. Grandma Leyeh and Grandma Trudy will both be there, so I will at least have someone other then Rosa and Myrna to talk to. Dad will be there asking when will I get married. FOOEY!

      1. Happy Birthday Ellen! I hope you have a good one even if you do not have a boyfriend or hubby to keep you warm at night. Grandmas should know that there is more to life than meaningless sex, so keep your standards up and you will find a guy who thinks of you as more than a parking space for their winkies!

    2. It seems like an extremely bad plan to take maternity leave from the firm, knowing that you won’t go back because you’ve accepted another offer. It’s one thing to take a leave, intending to go back, and then realize you can’t leave your baby. But you are gaming the system because you already have another job waiting and know there is 0% chance you are going back. This would burn major bridges at the firm. Govt job might be ok with a few months delayed start, so I’d focus on asking for that and at least you will get time with the baby if not the salary.

      1. I agree with Anonymous– I would not take paid maternity leave from a job to which I did not plan to return. Unless, as Blonde Lawyer said below, you are up front with them, give them your notice that you are leaving, and they somehow benevolently give you the paid maternity leave anyway.

        Realistically, assuming you are forfeiting your biglaw maternity leave by leaving that job, I would work as long as possible through your pregnancy and give notice that you’re leaving for the government job. I would also set up a start date with the government that begins whenever you are comfortable being finished with (what now looks to be unpaid) maternity leave. The government is usually flexible with that sort of thing, and they definitely have no parental leave policy (at least not federally– maybe your state has something, but I would think you’d have to work there first).

        If they don’t make the offer during the interview (and I know people said they do this, but I find that really hard to imagine, since I’ve never seen government hiring do anything quickly), you could potentially still be at your biglaw job when your baby is born and without an offer in hand, and if that’s the case, you could still take the paid maternity leave since you haven’t accepted any other job offer. I would expect the offer to come sometime while you are on maternity leave, and if it does, I would probably alert the firm soon thereafter. Maybe they’ll let you take the rest of the paid leave, maybe not, but then at least you’re being up front and not burning the bridge.

      2. Totally disagree with this. BigLaw maternity leave is earned by you before you take it. There is zero wrong with taking the maternity leave you have already earned, even if you don’t intend on returning to the firm. This happens all of the time and I’ve never seen it actually burn a bridge. Firms have insurance that pays for this stuff so don’t sweat it. Do what’s best for your family.

        2. This. Maternity leave is part of your compensation and is not, unless otherwise agreed, contingent on your remaining with the firm.

          1. Not legally, but morally. It absolutely burns bridges and hurts all the women who want to take leave and come back.

          2. To Anonymous at 5:26 pm: Each person fights her own battle. It doesn’t necessarily burn bridges to leave after your maternity leave, and if other people want to stereotype by uterine activity, it’s not one woman’s job to combat that stereotype by making a less-than-ideal move for herself. A woman who wants to come back can easily come back (and many do), and a woman who wants to come back and make partner can prove her mettle by, you know, working. Yes, there will be prejudices, but I don’t really think that the terms of one woman’s departure will materially exacerbate or combat them. Similarly, a woman who wants to go part-time or flextime postpartum shouldn’t feel like she needs to stay on full-time in order to avoid hurting all the women who want to take leave and come back full time, right? And in my experience, people definitely look down on moms who go part-time or flextime. But if it works for those moms, I say, that is their choice. Haters gonna hate, but women should nonetheless have the option to live the best lives they can, on their own terms. and for themselves rather than for some greater cause.

          3. Agree with SA on this one. If it is an earned benefit, it’s an earned benefit. Just like if you have, say 2 months of PTO saved up, and you want to then take the PTO and then take another job offer. You earned that PTO. I feel like you have to do what is best for you, because BigLaw employer (or any employer, for that matter) does not (with the very rare exception) have your best interest in mind when they do something. They may not be malicious, but they certainly aren’t worried about what is best for you.

        3. Totally agree. It is earned during your pre-maternity-leave employment; it doesn’t have to be repaid when you get back. Also, a fourth-year attorney in biglaw has likely brought in more than 3x her compensation for four years straight, and so for her firm (or an insurance company into which she has been paying disability and medical premiums over the years) to pay her 1/3 of one year’s salary one time is really NBD in the grand scheme of things. Yes, it would be nice to earn a bit more “social capital” at your firm after your maternity leave before moving on, but it is not a requirement. And honestly, even if you leave a year later, people who are going to judge will say that you “milked” that maternity leave benefit and then gave your notice, and they won’t appreciate the post-maternity leave services you did provide. This is business, not personal, and there is no reason to forgo one of the few great things about biglaw (a generous maternity policy) because it might burn a bridge or two. Especially if you have good people skills and will remain in touch and be a useful professional connection for your former colleagues and managers.

        4. I totally disagree that mat leave is an earned benefit. If it were, it would be paid out automatically at departure like accrued vacation time. If you tell your employer on your due date that you are quitting, they won’t say “Oh ok, well enjoy 4 months salary on us!” You can get the benefit by being deceitful, but own what you’re doing. And yes, there’s an argument that women who quit after a leave because they miss their baby or decide to come back part-time may hurt other women, but at least they are not deliberately being deceitful. I do not believe it burns bridges every time a woman doesn’t come back from a mat leave or leaves shortly after returning, because every circumstance is different, but if you go out on mat leave having ACCEPTED ANOTHER JOB and don’t tell anyone, and collect 4 months full salary and then quit without ever returning to the office, yes, bridges will be burned.

          1. I agree with this. Maternity leave is not a benefit everyone earns – only employees who get pregnant or adopt get it. The entire reason it is offered is in an effort to retain employees who get pregnant or have kids so they COME BACK to work after a few months. I’m all for generous maternity leave policies, but this attitude that everyone is entitled to just take their leave and then take off is crazy to me.

          2. Also disagree that maternity leave is an “earned benefit.” At my firm you qualify for it from Day 1 — so, in theory, if you got pregnant 3L year and were hired to start September 1, with an Oct 1 due date, you’d get your leave after just a month in the office. You didn’t earn it, any more than our long term disability benefit is “earned” — it’s just another perk / benefit of the job. If you are 100% sure you are not coming back — as in this case, where the OP might accept another job BEFORE leave — that is pretty shady.

            That said, obviously that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. I saw what went down in 2008, and lots of firms did stuff that was shady. If you don’t care about burning that bridge, go for it.

        5. I disagree. I’ve taken leave twice at two firms and at each, a certain period of time (maybe 6 or 8 weeks) was covered by disability insurance, the rest was on the firm’s nickel.

          I also don’t understand your argument that it’s an “earned benefit.” It’s a perk, sure, but it has nothing to do with the effort you’ve put in (unlike, say, vacation time where you “earn” so many days per time spent working). At the last firm I was at, you needed to be at the firm for a year before you were eligible for leave but then, in theory, you could have a kid and take a leave every year….or not. There’s simply no reconciling the availability of the benefit with the effort put into the job.

    3. I might be missing something but you are going to have to wait a few months before you start anyway, right? You are due in like 5 weeks and if you are giving 2 weeks notice would you really start at the gov’t gig for 3 weeks and then go out? As far as I know, the govt offers no paid maternity leave. You get sick leave/vacation time and the equivalent of unpaid FMLA. You would have earned none of the above. I would suspect they expect you to start after your leave. I would suggest you do a hybrid. Get paid leave from your current firm but don’t use all of it. Use what you feel you need. Then start the new job. 6-8 weeks would likely be expected but I don’t really know.

      If they see you are pregnant, they obviously don’t have an issue with it.

      ETA – I would be up front with your firm too. They likely will appreciate your honesty and they may give you your paid leave anyway. Depends on their policy.

      1. Thanks. To your point about being upfront with my firm, I would definitely do that. I certainly wouldn’t hide the fact that I got an offer from them. They have been very good with former employees who have left to go to government in the past (none of whom have been out, or about to go out, on paid leave), so I know that they wouldn’t show me the door for simply raising the issue.

        1. I know of one instance at my BigLaw firm where a woman who had worked there a couple of years, with the blessing of the firm, came back from maternity leave for something like 3 days to satisfy the requirement of returning to work so that she would not have to pay back the health insurance premiums for her maternity leave. Then she moved across the country to join her doctor husband at his new fellowship. So it happens — you’re not greedy for being hopeful.

          1. That’s interesting – thanks. I have a friend who was seconded, got a government job (and accepted the offer), and came back to my firm for one day to ensure she had health insurance for the next month before she started her new job. I’ve also been at the firm for a while, so I am a little hopeful that they will throw me a bone (or give me partial leave).

          2. I’m not in law, but when I had my son, that was the agreement I signed with my company – that if I did not return from maternity leave, I would have to pay the company back for the portion of the health-care premiums they had paid for me while I was out on leave. It amounted to about $5,000 (we had some REALLY nice health insurance, and I was out for three months) and that definitely factored into my decision to go back. I later found out that the company rarely enforced that provision and also, that if I had decided to quit, I could have worked out a two-week notice that would have satisfied the requirement.

        2. Ah ok I didn’t realize you were going to be upfront with your firm. In that case, I think it’s fine to ask but I’d be shocked if they give you any paid leave knowing you won’t return.

          1. I don’t really think they have a choice. It’s the policy unless they fire her, which for a bunch of reasons is highly unlikely.

          2. What world do you live in? If you give notice to your employer, they can walk you out the door and stop paying you that day (assuming you are an at-will employee, which most BigLaw associates are). Why on earth would it be the policy that they have to keep paying her through September or whenever if she gives two weeks notice in April or May?

    4. Just ask them when they were hoping that you’d start. They’ve seen you, right? And you look pregnant? Maybe you’ll luck out and have them agree to wait eighteen weeks post-partum, but they’re probably hoping you’ll come back at 8-12.

      You’ll have to know your office to know how badly you’ll burn bridges if you resign during your maternity leave. Lots of people do, however, and you’ve already earned it. If there’s no policy about repaying your maternity leave if you don’t return, I wouldn’t worry about it. Your firm has no loyalty to you; don’t worry about treating it better than it treats you.

      1. Yes, they definitely know I’m pregnant and that I’m due mid-May, so no surprises there.

        1. Ugh, the computer ate my more detailed post.

          I think you should rethink being upfront with the firm. No matter how much a big firm tries to present itself as a family, it is not.If they won’t find out otherwise, there is no reason to resign immediately after accepting a job that you won’t start for months.

          In a few years, no one will remember the details of how, when, or why you left the firm–they’ll just remember you had a baby and went to government. If they do put it all together, women with children and men whose wives have careers will understand you were in a difficult position and did what you had to do.

          2. I don’t think you can accept another job offer, to start X months in the future, and not inform your current employer. If you accept the government position but delay it for a while, you have to tell your firm. I am not an employment lawyer, so I may be wrong, but this just smells really unethical to me.

    5. Would the job offer be contingent on passing a background check? At least for most federal jobs, it is. If so, I think you can ethically and legally accept contingent on passing the background check and other pre-empolyment requirements without telling your law firm. And standard practice, at least at my firm, is not to inform the firm until after you have passed the background requirements and have a start date in hand.

  13. I’ve always been pretty active, but until recently did only cardio, mostly running. Over the past 6 weeks or so I have started strength training for the first time. I love it and feel great, but I am HUNGRY! My past eating routine is no longer cutting it. For those who do strength training, 1) is this normal due to muscles burning more calories? 2) does it last, or do you eventually go back to a more familiar level of appetite? Thanks for any info or experiences.

    I tried googling on this topic and just got a bunch of weight loss stuff–once I specified “women” that is. Sigh.

    1. Yes, it’s normal, but it does subside after a while. I’ve found that adding in a hearty snack is usually good enough to tide me over to my next meal. Something like avocado toast, a hard boiled egg plus grapes, a half PB&J plus fruit, banana or apple with PB, or a rice cracker with tbs. of PB and banana.

    2. I remember this when I was about 2 months into my crossfit. I no longer CF for financial reasons, but sounds like you’re doing about the same. Be sure to add a bunch of protein to your diet. I would usually end up needing a midmorning snack plus lunch, afternoon snack & dinner.

      Lots of avocados, eggs, peanut butter, almond butter, graham crackers, yogurt, cottage cheese, hummus, kind-type bars, etc. I found that once my body was really in that mode, I only wanted high-quality, “whole” foods. The thought of putting highly processed foods, or fast foods into my body didn’t seem appetizing at all. So, I listened, and just ate what felt right.

      1. Agree with adding proteins and some good fats – maybe some fiber, too. I would add a snack or two, something like cottage cheese + fruit, avocado on whole wheat toast, peanut butter + celery. Lifting is AWESOME, I love feeling like a beast! I think it will slow down for you but it might be your body telling you to add protein and fats.

    3. 1) Yes, totally normal. 2) I eat more food when I’m strength training than when I’m doing mostly cardio. Since I lift more in winter (because I’m a wimp about the cold), I’ve been doing a mug of hot chocolate after my weight sessions. Protein + carbs + deliciousness = perfect recovery drink!

  14. Ladies – I am in desperate need of help for what is undoubtedly a truly frivolous issue.

    Friend chose her bridesmaid dresses though a specific brand, color, fabric, and length. Unfortunately we are all out of town, and the dresses need to be ordered by Monday since the color is being discontinued.

    I’ve gotten it down to two styles – dress 800 or dress 807 by watters/wtoo. For context, I’m a busty (d-cup) size 14-16… any one have any ideas? I know it will have to be tailored but I cant figure out which would work better.

    1. The 800 seems to provide more coverage and options. I prefer the waist of the 807 but the model is busting out of it.

      1. I’d go with 800 because 807 looks like it has a scary skull face on the models boobs/torso.

    3. Do you need to shorten it? Probably easier to do it on 800 too by taking it up at the waist instead of the hemline (I feel like chiffon is hard to shorten).

      1. thats a good question – i’m 5’5 so i guess it will depend on whatever shoes (flats/heels/wedges) she wants us to wear… this is all super expedited because of the discontinued color situation

        1. If you’re 5’5, you’re going to need to shorten it — most bridesmaid dresses are designed to fit all heights and folks who are average to short usually have to have it hemmed.

    4. 800. I am busty and I can’t picture myself wearing the 807. The design would cut my boobs in half in a weird way. There are so many cute dresses where half my boobs fall below the seam designed for them. This looks like one of those. 800 is gorgeous and should generously contain the chest while still looking stylish.

      1. That’s exactly what i was thinking – its more structured and may either push them up or down and into the dress (not sure which would end up worse). I like the look of it, but the fit (and not being able to try it on first) makes me thing the 800 is the way to go

        THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

        1. 800!

          But I will tell you, I’ve worn one of these for a wedding before. Where you have to wrap it up the way you like it on top. It was a bit of a fiasco on the day of the wedding. Took us forever to wrap everyone up so it looked nice and not crazy. So I would wrap it the way you like it and secure it with pins or by sewing it. Securing in general is good, because while we were dancing one of the other bridesmaid’s dresses came unwrapped. AH.

      3. Agreed. I love the idea of the two-tone, but something about the way that the darker color goes down the middle of the bust just looks really strange to me on the 807. The 800 would work for a lot of different options.

    5. I think 807 looks more flattering on both models, and would look better on most people. And I think the adjustable bridesmaid dresses with the lengths of fabric you can move around almost never look as good a just a regular dress. So I think the only reason to go with the 800 would be if you would wear it again because of the flexibility or something.

      1. Yes, was going to say the 807 would be a better choice for me being busty because the 800 is strapless and low backed – and the adjustable fabric that you tie just wouldn’t cut it for me in terms of being supportive enough. If I went with the 800 I’d have a seamstress actually sew the adjustable straps, not just tie them the day of.

        I’d also NOT do 2 toned with the 807 unless that’s what the bride really wants – it looks like you can order the trim and main dress in the same color.

        Any chance there is a store that carries both near you that you could try them on at this weekend? Might be worth a phone call.

        1. I missed that the 800 was convertible and that you could do the 807 in a single color. I would probably still do the 800, sewn to stay in the position of the first picture and I’d have cups installed too.

        2. 807 would have def been the single color and not the two tone they use as the example

          Unfortunately I have checked and no one within a reasonable driving distance this weekend has either in stock. So it’s a bit flying blind. Following the concerns – while I like the look of 807 better, I think 800 may be the safer bet fit-wise with some sturdy underthings. Thank you for all the help though. I’ve just been going back and forth without much luck myself.

      2. I’m on Team 807 in monochrome. I’m a busty 14/16 also, and that neckline works well on me. I’m also tall, though, and I don’t like the way I look in strapless, halter, OR one-shoulder dresses. It’s just wayyyy too much uninterrupted shoulder. If you’re of a smaller build that may not be so much of an issue.

  15. recs for inexpensive GOOD leather conditioner/moisturizer for tall boots?

  16. Are gifts expected for a bachelorette weekend away? Context: there has already been a shower with gifts, and the group will be paying for the bride-to-be’s lodging and meals on the weekend.

    The group is very divided about this with strong opinions on both sides! Thoughts?

    1. I’ve never given a gift for a bachelorette party. I’ve paid for a bride’s meal / drinks, but that’s it.

    3. No. If there has already been a shower and you’re covering everything else, just no. Why does it matter if everyone is divided? Does the organizer expect everyone to pitch in for a group gift, too? If not, gifting is at your discretion.

    5. Of the half-dozen or so bachelorette parties/weekends I’ve been to and hosted, in two of them, the MOH has organized a lingerie shower. For both of those parties, (a) there was no separate bridal shower, and (b) travel and lodging were virtually free (travel by car to someone’s beach house/cabin). I would say if you are planning a full weekend away and have to pay for flights + lodging + the bachelorette’s lodging and meals AND you’ve already bought a shower gift, it is ridiculous to be expected to bring another gift.

    6. The only time I bought a gift for a bachelorette party was when we were asked to buy fun underwear for the bride to coincide with various moods (special occasion, sporty, ‘not so fresh,’ etc.)

    7. I agree, and I do not want to explicitly ask others to bring anything. If they choose to on their own, fine, but I do not feel comfortable organizing any sort of group gift. But others in the bridal party seem to think that it’s expected and that the bride-to-be will feel disappointed if we don’t do it.

      I am all for celebrating the bride-to-be, but I feel like these pre-wedding celebrations have gotten out of control, between engagement parties, showers, bachelorettes, and so many of these things being destination events.

      My new rule is that I will travel once for a wedding-related event. And you get a gift for a shower and a gift for the wedding. Done. I would go broke if I had to travel to every event I was invited to AND provide a gift.

      #rantover

    8. No. No. No. 10 years later, I still feel like a total ass because I hosted a bachelorette weekend (there was no shower) and, somewhat at the last minute, suggested people bring small gifts. Most people got something nice in the $10-20 range. One of the guests went with a gag gift of huge granny panties, and the bride told me later that she was hurt by the “thoughtless” gift. I tried to explain that it was my fault for poor planning, but I don’t think the bride believed me.

    9. I’ve only seen lingerie gifts or similar, usually nothing expensive. Maybe something small like a card and picture frame or sparkly nail polish or similar, or a joke-ish gift like a copy of the Kama Sutra, but not off the registry gifts or big gifts.

  17. Are bachelorette gifts expected for a destination weekend trip? Context: there has already been a shower with gifts.

    The bridal party is seriously divided on this issue. Thoughts?

  18. I just received an offer for a university job in San Antonio. I will be coming from central Illinois. It is going to be a pay cut from a law firm job, but I have been wanting to get into a university system. I am going to take at least the weekend to think about it and wait for the official HR offer to come through, but I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone can give regarding living in San Antonio. I plan on visiting next weekend to apartment hunt, so I would love to have some ideas in mind to research before going. Any words of wisdom (even generally about San Antonio)?

    1. My sister, in her late 20s, lives in San Antonio (and works at a university there) and LOVES it. She’s single and so lives in the old Pearl Brewery that they have converted into apartments/shops/restaurants/bars. It’s fairly centrally located and where a lot of the younger professionals are moving to. It’s a very large city, deceptively so, but it has a very small town feel. Also, I hope you like Mexican and Tex-Mex food.

    2. San Antonio is a lot of fun. It’s a funky town, but it is on the smaller side. It’s often overlooked as good place to live in Texas. But I have been several times for longer conferences, and always had good food/good times/etc. Cost of living is low, the downside is that folks do have trouble with flights (fewer directs, often connections in DFW or Houston).

      The Pearl is nice, too– but obvs really regentrified.

    3. San Antonio is fun! I went to college there. I haven’t lived there in years so I’m probably out of touch. It gets very hot and humid in the summer but I assume you expected that. It’s a smaller city (I have always lived in big cities), but you still have everything there you’d want. I looked over the area where the Pearl is, and while i didn’t know anyone there at the time I can see how that would be a booming spot now. It is very centrally located.

  19. I’m in uncharted territory in a relationship and I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar.

    In two months i am relocating for a temporary (2 year) amazing career opportunity. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and he is not interested in moving and neither of us are interested in a long distance relationship. The relocation was set up about a year ago, so this is sort of something we have been managing towards, and both of us are being practical and surprisingly adult about it.

    The question is how do we “consciously uncouple” – neither of us are upset/angry, and we have two more months worth of entwined friend groups, family events, etc. How do you handle things like wedding invitations addressed to both of you, or telling friends? If you’ve gone through something like this, is it better to try and end it officially now and work on being friends or let it fizzle or just have a hard cut-off in two months.

    Basically, I know what it will look like in two months, but I don’t know how to get there with the least amount of awkwardness for us (and our friends and families)

    1. I think I would just proceed as usual and then have the hard cut-off in two months. And I supposed in the meantime people will be asking your plans and you can discuss it or not at parties or whatever.

    2. IMO if you enjoy spending time together still, there’s no reason to cut things off artificially two months ahead of what is already a pretty natural cut off point – particularly for your friends and families’ sake. I think you’ll just have to figure out a graceful way to explain your plans to those who ask (“Well, we are enjoying each other’s company now, but we won’t be attempting long distance” or something along those lines). Another option is just to be vague (“Oh, we are going to see what happens once I move”), and then let everyone think it “fizzled” after you moved (because really, it’s none of their business exactly how this all goes down anyway). I’d probably err on the vague side, because it will invite fewer follow up questions :)

      As for wedding invitations, if it’s an invitation for after you’re no longer planning on being a couple, I think you can just RSVP without a +1 (assuming you aren’t both friends of the couple who are invited separately). If the couple cares, they can ask and you can explain as above.

      Good luck – this sounds really hard but like you are handling it very maturely (more so than I would be). Brava.

      1. Thank you so much for this – you are absolutely right that it isn’t anyone else’s business.

    3. I don’t see the need to cut things off now. It’s good that you are both on the same page about whether or not you want to be long distance. Just keep enjoying each other’s company until you have to leave. Once you move, feel things out, you can choose to stay in touch as friends or if one/both of you wants to date other people and feels the need to not be in touch as much, be honest about it.

    1. Eh, I don’t derive any utility from “fast fashion” so I cannot relate. I like having/buying one amazing thing, not fifty sh!tty ones.

      1. Good for you, I guess. Some of us will take our apparently “sh!tty” clothes happily, as we have prioritized other things in our lives. Different strokes.

        1. +1. I’d love 1 amazing thing over 50 sh*tty things, but I can probably only afford 1 decent thing over 3 sh*tty things, because I do actually need more than one dress in my closet. Plus the other things I prioritize in my life.

      2. +1 to Anonymous at 505. I really liked Overdressed, which really enlightened me to all the problems if fast fashion and buying so many clothes.

      3. This is the second comment along these lines on this thread! I can currently afford to buy “amazing” things, but there was a time in my life when all I could afford was one shitty thing, and try to wear it well, and hope that no one asked/realized where I got it. In fact, I remember being in grade school and having kids make fun of the stores I bought my clothes at- and it wasn’t because I chose to buy “50 sh!tty things.” I couldn’t afford to shop anywhere else. Anonymous, I think comments like this can be really hurtful, by implying that people who buy cheaper items are doing it because of poor judgement and not because of necessity.

      4. I think comments like this are really hurtful by implying that people buy “sh!tty” things because of poor judgement or a lack of understanding of value, and not because its all they can afford.

        From someone who can now afford amazing things, but at one time could only afford one “sh!tty thing”

        1. Also, if you start your comment with “Eh,” I think that’s a good sign that what follows is going to be snarky at best and downright nasty at worst.

    2. Really interesting. I guess there is a reason it is called “retail therapy?”

      This article had the opposite effect on me. It made me want to go home and do another purge of my closet. But when I first moved to southern California, I was totally guilty of this. I think it just depends on exactly what JJ is saying, what you prioritize. I tell you, a lot of my plain old v neck sweaters come from Costco. And Lucky jeans!

      It did make me sad that over 90% of the clothes are now made elsewhere. It would be nice if we could bring some textile / manufacturing back into the US.

      1. Yes, it makes me want to do closet purge, too – but it starts off with the part about second-hand stores being overfilled! Would love to learn more about that… (I like buying consignment, and I like donating…)

  21. I had an interview at a university this week and it went really well. It’s a fairly high level position (not a VP but reporting directly to the president) and I want to think through how and what I should negotiate if I get an offer. It’s in a much higher COL area so I know the absolute minimum I would accept (based on COL calculators and what people here in similar positions make) but I’m not sure about what I should ask for above that. Too low salary would be a dealbreaker for me. I won’t uproot my life for nothing, although this is a good career move for me. Also, relocation expenses. This would be a big move and I am not yet in a position to buy in the new area. This university actually has faculty housing, so that might be a temporary option. Most benefits (like vacation, retirement, health insurance, etc.) are not negotiable at universities, but I want to make sure I wouldn’t go broke moving. It’s looking like a good fit but a challenging job as there is a disconnect between how the unit sees itself and what the upper level administration wants.

    Any thoughts?

    1. Is it a long standing position or one this president created? How long has the president been there (and how close do you think he is to on his way out – 7-10 years is often typical)? I have a friend that was hired as a “special assistant to the president for XYZ” and then after 1 year the president left – and the new president had no actual interest in XYZ other than to give it lip service, and to have my friend write reports on how great the college was doing at XYZ but not actually allowing him to implement his plans to actually improve XYZ in anything other than lip service/PR.
      He had great qualifications and was able to move on after 2 years under the unsupportive administration to a much bigger and better school that let him actually do XYZ – but not until after a lot of frustration, and taking a major loss on the house he bought. Just food for thought.

      Regarding faculty housing, before accepting the position I would make sure it is actually available – some schools are good about making sure they have plenty available at a reasonable rate, and other places it goes super quick or is super expensive.

      1. This is a regular longstanding administrative position. The president has been there for about a year and everyone speaks highly of her. To be honest, I completely agree with the president about the need for change and some updates.

  22. Anyone else been following the Pao v KP trial? I have a bit (reading daily summaries). While each trial turns on its own facts and I have no real sense of the minutiae this case involved, I’m a bit bummed by the verdict.

    This felt like the first big case that was trying to grapple with the (often) small but (often) numerous obstacles women face when trying to break into male-dominated enclaves–those minor but pervasive ways in which you can feel out of step, or not one of the boys, or whatever. OTOH, I’m sympathetic to the barriers that have risen to prevent frivolous cases; sometimes people are just bad employees, and the negative consequences have nothing to do with their protected class status.

    1. I’ve been following the case religiously and am very disappointed in the verdict. Pao certainly wasn’t the most sympathetic plaintiff and she seems difficult to get along with (although so are most male VCs and I doubt they had reviews saying that), but every woman in Silicon Valley, even those not directly in tech, knows how toxic this place is for women and I thought a multi-million dollar verdict for her really might lead some companies to make a change.

      1. I think the fact that she went to trial and made discovery public is huge, despite the outcome.

        1. I’m disappointed too. I work “venture capital adjacent” and none of what I heard on KP shocked me. Now the jury verdict lets them think it’s all fine behavior.

      2. I am very, very disappointed in the verdict as well. It was clear to me that they totally shut her out of the “old boy’s club,” and I was saddened that the other women at Kleiner lied on the stand (like the HR person) and didn’t recall some of the sexist stuff that clearly happened in that office, and in male-dominated offices everywhere throughout the world. She was very brave to put herself and all of her private life details out there and the powerful, older white men won again. Rant over.

  24. [Sorry in advance for the novel]

    So I’ve been in house for just over 2 years now. I absolutely LOVE the job. We’re structured with corporate headquarters being here on the west coast, and with an attorney embedded in each “region.” It works really well, as we are accessible on the region’s time zone for questions and emergencies.

    Well, our General Counsel just announced she is retiring. At the same time, I’ve been told that instead of reporting directly to the GC, I’m now going to report to the other attorney in my region. We were hired here about 2 months apart (me first, and then her), and she has 2 years more experience as a lawyer than I, but she is SIGNIFICANTLY older. This is her second career. So this has been manageable, but she is definitely a micro-manager and a clock watcher (I’ve mentioned this). She’s also been pretty hostile to the fact that I’m pregnant and have worked from home about 1 day per week due to severe morning sickness (ok’d by both HR and GC, with doc’s letter and official accommodation on file). I also have an auto immune issue, which I have had an “ok to work from home” accommodation on file since the day I was hired. She has been spoken to about the harassment by both HR and GC.

    GC, and my department, ultimately reports to our CEO – who now ALSO just announced he is retiring! What a shake-up. I have no idea what is going to happen, but it looks like they are going to promote from within, and the person it looks like it will be is “buddies” with the person I’m going to be reporting to now. And by “reporting to” I mean more “team leader,” – she would be involved in my benefits or compensation, but technically I’ll be reporting to her.

    I don’t want to leave this job. I love it here. The company is wonderful, the other 10 attorneys I work with are wonderful, and it is just a great place. But I have this one person, who is now my “leader,” poisoning the well. Almost to the point that I feel like she has it “out” for me – when I work from home, I get the feeling she spends the day trying to find something to “catch” me on, and other co-workers have informed me that she’s tried REALLY hard to throw me under the bus with our leaders, but it never works because I’m so careful with my work. I’ve also starting having department heads come to me and tell me they don’t want to work with her, because she has thrown THEM under the bus and they don’t feel she is approachable.

    At this time, since I’m pregnant and will be on leave September – January, I’ve kind of decided to put my “ambition” on the back burner, continue to do excellent work, and just keep my head down with the knowledge that she is so much older than I am, and I’m going to outlast her….and just see how things shake down.

    After all that I’m not sure what I’m asking…but I think I’m asking, “have you gone through any corporate shake-ups and survived?” Also maybe, “if you have your dream job but there is 1 person there trying to make it miserable, do you have any tips for surviving?”

    1. I went through something similar and I think I’d consider looking if I were you. You can technically survive it, but if you’re not “in” in a department like that you won’t really succeed either. I’d start looking now as it can take a while to move. I ultimately went to a new company and could not be happier with that decision. I’m still in touch with the people I liked at my old company and have a far more sane place to work.

      Editing to say, one person shouldn’t make you go, but when they’re in a position of power and your boss, that’s tough to recover from.

      As for surviving, since you may have to stay for a bit while pregnant, I’d try your hardest to not care what she says to you (super tough) and CYA where you need to, and try to find a champion (as many as you can) on the business side – if your clients love you, you’re harder to touch.

      1. Thank you! I’m a bit stuck since I’m pregnant, you’re right about that!

        Thank you for the suggestion about finding champions on the business side – I’m currently working on exactly that right now. This person was out of the office 3 days last week, and I just had such a great time…it’s a great job when she isn’t around, which is sad.

  25. I have an enviable problem: my mother loves my husband. She’s constantly talking about what a great partner/ father/ person he is. She compares him favorably to my own father, whom I adore (“he’s so much cleaner/ better cook/ more involved with the kids than your father…”). My problem is that all the praise makes me want to point out why he’s not so great (“he never cleans the bathroom/ always burns the pans/ ignores the kids if the game is on…”). Thing is, I also love my husband! He is indeed a great cook and good with the kids (I’ll reserve judgment on his cleanliness because… well, just, no, he isn’t.). So why is it so hard for me to hear him praised like this? Maybe it’s because I feel like she’s comparing him to ME since she doesn’t praise me in the same way. Any advice on keeping myself from wanting to knock him down a peg?

    1. Ha ha. You are me, mostly. My mom endlessly praises my husband, to the point where I joke that if we were to divorce, she would side with him and cut me off.

      I read it as intending support, so it’s fine with me. But that is because my mother NEVER criticizes my dad in her praise. That would bug me, and I don’t blame you for being bothered by it. I would guess that the passive aggression towards your dad is really her issue, but if my mom were doing that, I would (nicely) ask her not to run down your dad to you.

      1. Yeah, that’s a good call. I suppose it’s a round-about way of praising me or supporting me. Of course, it would be even better to hear that *I’m* a great partner/ mother/ person, but that is just not her style. I’m realizing, too, that she’s coming from a world of pretty rigid gender roles that are not at play in my house, so she would never see my doing all the dishes every night as great partner moves since I’m the woman, whereas my husband does a half a load of laundry and he’s some sort of prince. HA!

    2. My mom does this and it always comes off as a subtle (sometimes not-so-subtle) dig against me, as in “you should count your lucky stars this fabulous man is married to you….”

      This doesn’t have anything to do with your husband and to “take him down a peg” would not make these comments any less irritating. If anything, it would probably spark your mom to layer on the praise for him and shame you for not being appreciative.

      I’d just agree, as in, “yeah, he’s awesome” and move on. I’d never talk down about my spouse to anyone, particularly not my family.

  26. Hi All!

    I will be graduating in May and have accepted a job in finance within the oil and natural gas sector in Houston. I will be in a 10 person mostly male office and have met 3 of the people in Chicago previously but will be flying to meet the rest of the team and get a better feel for Houston for the day. Does anyone have any advice on what to wear? Should I stick with a formal suit for impressions or a conservative black wrap dress? Previously, my boss was wearing a black shift dress and cardigan when I met her but she is also in her third trimester.

    Thanks for you advice! I’ve read this blog while in undergrad and have always enjoyed the articles.

    1. Suit. I’m having trouble imagining a sufficiently formal wrap dress, and first impressions are important, so I’d err on the side of being overly formal.

    2. Suit. Wear a more casual shirt underneath and ditch the jacket if you’re overdressed.

    1. Yes, it’s very disappointing. As another commenter said above, she didn’t seem like the most sympathetic plaintiff (or the greatest colleague), but it does sound like she was a target/victim of many of the subtler forms of sexism that are so common and incessant. I was really hoping this case would expose those and call attention to how obnoxious they are. Now it seems like people will be able to continue to ignore these.

    1. Those are cute. If you’re tall – you might just look like you’re wearing too short pants on accident.

    2. I own these in a few colors and wear them to work in big law in Los Angeles. I’m average height and they hit right below my ankle. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them.

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