ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread

OluKai Unahi SandalsSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. As someone who logged many miles in my Reefs with arch support, I was intrigued to see readers singing the praises of the OluKai flip flops recently, as I hadn't heard of the brand. They look great for that commute to or from work (with your heels either in your bag or at the office), or out and about with friends on the weekends. What are your favorite brands of “fancy” flip flops, ladies? These OluKai Unahi are $70 at Zappos. OluKai Unahi Sandals (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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118 Comments

  1. $70 for rubber flip flops. And there are kids with no shoes in the world. That’s ridiculous.

    1. really? how much does your purse cost?

      Get off your high horse. This is a fashion site, and they are damn good flip flops.

  2. Anyone ever washed a Talbots Ponte knit (63% rayon, 32% nylon, 5% spandex) instead of dry cleaning? Label says “dry clean” not “dry clean only”. It’s my fave and I don’t want to ruin it but hate time/expense of dry cleaning.

    2. I do all the time. Cold, gentle wash. Will likely need a steam or a quick iron after.

  3. YAY! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s and the weekend. Also these Reef’s are GREAT flip-flop’s that are absoluteley Fantastic at the beech. When I went to the Hamton’s all the pretty women were wearing flip flop’s like these, or sandeals that were so cute. Guy’s LOVE women when they show their toe’s, that is what make’s the manageing partner’s rule about NO open toes at work so strange to me. Frank says he is protecting us women from HIM, which I believe b/c Frank always talks about toe cleaveage. FOOEY on Frank. He can go to his wife for that. Anyway, I am busy with the intern today, b/c we are goeing into court next Monday. I hope the entire hive has an excellent weekend, and a special thank’s to Kat and Kate for all of the interesting article’s they’ve posted this week. YAY!!!!!

  4. Following up on prior discussions: I need a second credit card and am looking for a rewards card. I don’t use the same airline regularly, so those don’t make sense, but I’m thinking of one tied to either Hilton Honors for the hotel points or Amazon (from which I buy basically everything). Anyone have thoughts on or experience with either of these cards?

    Thanks

    1. Well, what is your first credit card? I’m a huge fan of my Chase Freedom and Chase Sapphire preferred, as well as the Amex Everyday preferred, for general/non-specific spending. :)

      1. +1 for the Chase Freedom card. I get roughly $200 cashback each year, based on my spending.

      2. +1 for Chase Sapphire. You can use the points for any airline and almost any hotel.

      3. Chase Freedom is no annual fee and if you have the Chase Sapphire, the points pool in to one “pot” which is great! I love the Freedom 5% restaurants and gas months.

    2. I currently have a low-interest rate VISA with no rewards; I went for the low rate because I don’t always pay the balance in full each month, mostly because of waiting for travel expense reimbursements. Good to know about the Chase cards, thanks

        1. Thanks. But it’s mostly travel expenses for a particular client that reimburses the attorneys directly; for most of our other clients the firm reimburses the costs and the client pays the firm. I bill the client monthly for the expenses, but sometimes there’s a lag in when I get the statement out or in when the client sends the check. E.g., I had a $600 travel expense the first few days of June and $400 in mid-June and probably won’t get reimbursed until mid-July.

          And sometimes I just don’t pay the whole balance, if there’s a month where I have some particularly large personal expense. I know, I know.

          1. See, maybe I’m thinking of this the wrong way, but so long as you don’t have recurring credit card debt, the decision not to pay a card in full in particular month to me is the whole reason to have a credit card. I have plenty of money in savings, but often carry a balance for a month or two for convenience. Example – we bought a couch a couple months back for about $3500. Sure, I could take the money out of savings, but instead we paid the card off over three months from our monthly discretionary income. From what I know, that type of card usage actually raises your credit score. And the interest cost was negligible.

          2. I hope your employer lets you expense your credit card fees, otherwise, with them not providing a corporate card, it is somewhat unethical.

          3. Maddie Ross, it seems like you’re just wanting to do some cash flowing, which totally makes sense but can still be done without paying CC interest. I do the same thing, either (1) by saving up for the big ticket item out of discretionary income each month, then buying it (never removing the money from savings); or (2) buying it with savings, then replenishing savings with my monthly discretionary income in pre-budgeted amounts to cover the purchase, not just what’s leftover. With either approach, I would still actually make the purchase on my CC because of rewards and because of extended warranty / other protections; I’d just pay it off before any interest kicks in.

            I like this system because it helps keep me honest — either I have to save up for the purchase first (and decide if I really want it), or at the very least, I have to see how many months of discretionary income it will cost me and then commit to doing that going forward.

            Also don’t get caught in the trap of thinking $50 (or whatever) in interest is negligible, just because it’s on a $3500 purchase — it’s still $50! You can totally do the same thing for free!

          4. @Maddie

            Just to add a different perspective, for me the reasons to use my credit card are:

            1. More secure than debit card, and easier to carry than wads of cash.

            2. The credit card payment is only one draw out of my checking per month, so I don’t have to think about how each expense might affect my balance before the next paycheck. I just have to think about whether I have enough total in the bill-paying account by the payment date.

            3. I can buy something on June 1 and my statement doesn’t close until June 30, and then the payment isn’t due until July 25. So I get nearly two-months of interest-free financing (note, this only works if you pay the balance in full every month to not incur interest charges during the time between statement close and payment due date). This helps me finance some of those bigger-ticket expenses that you described–I can buy a plane ticket if I see a great fare because I know I’ll have the money by the time the statement comes due.

    3. Chase Amazon is fantastic; I’ve plugged it here before. 3% back on Amazon, 2% back on gas, dining and drugstores and 1% on everything else. If you shop a lot on Amazon, I think it’s the best card out there as I don’t know any other no-fee card that consistently gives 3% back. In addition, I’ve always received wonderful service but I suspect that is just Chase and not specific to the Amazon card.

      2. With the Amazon credit card, make sure you redeem your points for a statement credit rather than spending them directly at Amazon like they encourage. You don’t get any sort of bonus for redeeming them at Amazon, and miss out on the bonus points from shopping there.

    4. If you’re looking for good travel rewards, I highly recommend the Capital One Venture. I did a ton of research before picking this card.

      It has double points on every dollar spent and they normally have a sign up bonus of 40k points. 1 point translates into 1 cent when redeemed for travel. Redeeming points on travel is so easy. You don’t have to buy from their site. You just “erase” the applicable travel purchase from your statement.

      I know I sound like an ad but I’ve had mine for a year, run all a lot of my monthly expenses through the card as well as daily spending, racked up a ton of points, and am now paying for an upcoming vacation in points.

      I love travel rewards because using them feels indulgent and like real treat. Cash back or spending my points at Amazon just isn’t as fun for me.

  5. I’m in an open plan office and I could hear two colleagues disagreeing over a calculation in a model. I couldn’t help overhearing so I sent a message to the person next to me saying “why doesn’t xxx just agree with yyy (his boss)”. After I’d hit send, I realised I’d sent it to xxx and both of them would have seen it since they were in front of xxx’s workstation. Later I sent a message to xxx saying sorry and that I’d sent it to him by mistake and that I was just thinking along the lines that it’s Friday so I’d just let it go. I didn’t get a response and now I’m terribly mortified. I’d meant no offence and was really just thinking “it would be nice if we all got along”! Is there any hope of me being able to salvage the situation?

    1. I’d just ignore it. It will go away. But (1) really, really, really don’t send anything in writing to anyone you wouldn’t want everyone in the world to see. Having done litigation and seen literally thousands of emails no one ever thought would see the light of day, I never write anything unflattering about anyone ever anywhere. (2) why do you think disagreeing about a calculation in a model is people not “getting along”? I would extremely upset if someone junior to me disagreed with an assumption in our work and didn’t bring it up. Unless they were name-calling or yelling, these types of disagreements is what professionals do. It’s what makes them professionals.

      1. Normally, I’d have no issue with people disagreeing but I was working on a paper and it was affecting my concentration and I was (selfishly) wishing it was quieter so I could get my work done quickly and head home for the weekend. I do realise I was stupid and selfish and wish I’d just ignored it and got on with my work.

    2. Let it go, but don’t send emails you would be uncomfortable with others seeing.

      If you want quiet, speak up ” Hey guys, any chance you could move this discussion into the conference room? I’m on a tight deadline and need to concentrate”

  6. I have about $15k (currently in a “high interest” online savings account) that I saved up for a new car, but I decided to put off buying one.

    Out of curiosity – is there a better place to park this money for a few years? I’d like to be able to access it relatively easily, but it’s a separate pool from my emergency savings account so it doesn’t need to be super liquid. I already max out a Roth IRA.

    Thanks for your insights!

    1. Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Sauce. When I crave it, I have to have it – I’ll put it on chicken, on hardboiled eggs, on whatever.

      1. Also, ketchup. Apparently my secret pleasure junk food is condiments. I will probably go through a half a cup of ketchup with a normal size portion of fries. It’s excessive…and delicious.

    2. I’m all about organic, whole foods and all that business, but:

      Cheetos are the most delicious thing on this earth.

        1. But popcorn and peanut M&Ms at the same time. Put the M&Ms in the bowl with the popcorn so they get a little melty inside. Yum.

          And Cheetos, of course.

          1. Popcorn and Reeses Pieces at the same time! I always buy a box of RPs at the movies and dump them on top of my popcorn. SO yummy!

      2. lol I had a weak moment and bought cheetos in lowes yesterday. third store of heat wave mitigation, spending money, waiting in lines, not getting what needed to make house healthy for 100 degree weather… got the cheetos in checkout aisle. felt ill afterwards, went across street to food coop and got awful-tasting green smoothie drink. why are they so delicious? must be toxic addictive secret ingredient.

    3. I remind myself about Ramen noodles and Doritos every time I feel tempted to get on my kale-chip-eating, green-smoothie-swilling, usually-vegan-until-5pm high horse.

    7. Where do I start?

      Reese’s peanut butter cups, especially the eggs, especially straight from the fridge or freezer.

      Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese, artificial colors and all.

      Double Stuf Oreos.

      Movie theater popcorn with lots of butter.

      Chicago-style hot dogs.

      Soft pretzels (like Auntie Anne’s)

      FRIES.

      1. If you’re a dark chocolate fan, you need to try Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Reese’s was my favorite candy growing up (and I loved the eggs the most), but the dark chocolate ones have spoiled me. It’s a good thing I have an inquisitive puppy to keep me from just sitting on the couch with the open container on my lap through an entire movie, because I’d eat the entire thing, one billion calories and all.

    8. Ice cream. Always ice cream. Day, night, hot, cold, doesn’t matter, ice cream

  9. I’m thinking of doing online dating, and I was wondering what tips people have? And if they thought it was worth it?

    And, to make it more interesting for non-online daters- how did you meet your SO? And what was the most common way that people you know met their SO?

    1. I am also considering this b/c I have NOT been able to meet decent guy’s in person. Myrna has met a number of guy’s this way and tho she is not lookeing for anything serius, she has found guys willing to marry her. I think that is b/c she makes alot of money and is VERY open in bed to guys she dates more then once.

      In the early days of online dating, it was thought of as a place for women who could NOT get men. Now, alot of normal people do it, tho you do have to watch out for bate and switch tactics. Myrna told me a guy said he was 5/11 and when she met him, he was shorter then she is and she is 5/6 . She said that he was wimpy too. You can NOT tell a guy’s height from a picture. FOOEY! I want a guy who is tall, handsome and rich. I can NOT find that in the bios. I may put out a bio asking for that, but Myrna thinks most guys will turn away. She did pick out 6 of my best pics for match.com. YAY!

      1. You will have better luck if you don’t mention the “rich” request. Guys shy away from women looking for a sugar daddy, and would like to believe women like them for other attributes such as personality or sexual prowess. I complemented guys who actually awful in bed and it proved very helpful in the long run to me when I finally found a guy who knocked my socks off in the sack. Just be prepared for a lot of limp losers but there is sure to be one guy who will be right for you.

        1. +1

          Ellen, your biggest challenge is to avoid sounding shallow when advertising for suitable men. You can advertise your own strengths, including your education, brains, good looks, and gainful employment as a law firm partner, but its best not to get too specific as to your potential mate’s attributes and wallet size. You may want to let him know the types of activities you like engaging in that do require some cash outlay — weekends in the Hamptons, ski trips, health club memberships, so as not to attract those that are not able (or willing) to spend on you. You should also note what you do not like up front so that you do not get a mismatch. If you only enjoy occasional romantic interludes, say so, but do so tactfully. No guy who otherwise meets your criteria is going to spend a lot of money on a lady that is not romantic. In short, if you want him to spend on you, you need to be prepared to spend on him; if not in the monetary sense, then “in kind”. This does not mean you have to accede to his every wish and demand. It means you need to be open to his needs and desires, and not foreclose the possibility of having to do some things earlier than you might otherwise do (assuming there is some connection, that is). So think about what it is that you can bring to the relationship instead of just what it is you want to take from it, and you may find yourself romantically attached in a matter of weeks, if not months!

    2. Not an online dater – met my SO through school. But I’d say 50% of my friends met their SO online. Their advice tends to be to create your profile after having a couple drinks (if you imbibe).

    3. I met my husband through a friend but I was online dating at the time. I strongly recommend it. Being online meant I could always get another date, so it didn’t matter how badly or well any particular date went. Also, I got a lot better at flirting through online dating. During dates people are looking for signs, practice (from being online) helped me sent the right signals.

    4. Don’t wait forever to go on a first date. If you’ve exchanged a few rounds of messages, and things seem to be going well–go get something open-ended like a coffee or a drink. (Not a full meal, as I learned from painful experience.) Messaging forever just sets you up for disappointment. Also be open-minded. Just because someone doesn’t tick every single item on your list, doesn’t mean that you won’t work with them in person.

      And it was absolutely worth it. I tried Match and OkCupid a few years ago; got on Tinder last summer half as a joke; and Tinder Bachelor #4 and I are coming up on our one-year anniversary. Obviously YMMV, but at the very least, it’s good practice making conversation with new people and you’ll get some good stories.

    5. I met my now-husband on Match a few years ago. A few tips:

      -Set aside a bit of time a day/every few days to review matches and send or respond to messages. If you go too long without logging in, it gets overwhelming and then it becomes a chore.
      -Don’t message or text for too long before meeting in person.
      -Stick to drinks or coffee for a first meeting; you can always turn it into dinner if it’s going well.
      -Be open-minded. Choose a few qualities or criteria as “must-haves” or “absolutely no-gos” and if those things are met, consider at least meeting or speaking with someone.
      -Get comfortable “dating” multiple people at once. I wasn’t used to juggling so many guys (I’d go on 2 dates a week and was normally talking to or scheduling dates with a few more). It felt weird to me at first, like I was doing something wrong, but it’s totally okay – that’s why you’re on a dating site!

      1. Also, I’m not sure if this is true, but in my experience, if you’re not very active on the site(s), you will get fewer messages and the messages you do get may be less appealing (e.g., men 20+ years older than you just saying “hey”). So it’s definitely to your advantage to check your profile regularly (like, daily) and respond to messages, “like” other profiles, etc.

        I have very mixed feelings about online dating – approaching it systematically like K in CA describes gets exhausting for me, fast, and then I don’t want to date a n y o n e – but it is a good way to expand your dating pool, which is a good confidence-booster in and of itself.

        1. I think your first point is totally true – you are more likely to show up in search results and such if you are an active user.

          Re: your second point – I got really lucky and met my husband within my first 3 weeks on Match, so I wasn’t on the site for more than 6 weeks total. Granted, I went on a lot of dates in that time period, but I didn’t have to deal with online dating fatigue/burn out. I bet that does happen after some time, so don’t feel bad about putting your membership on hold or taking a break if you find you’re really not enjoying it anymore.

          1. Thanks! I’ve been on a little break lately, but maybe it’s time to go back…

      2. I met my SO on Match and +1 to every.single.point KinCA raises — especially the last point in viewing it as a sort of “practice”

      3. I agree with all this advice. My 3rd OKCupid date and I are getting married next weekend.

        Also have at least 1 friend, preferable a few, read your profile and see the pictures you want to use. It’s extra helpful to get a guy friend to look it over too (if you’re looking to date a guy).

        2. Met my husband on OKC too! He was my third date out of four over the course of a week. The other three were weird beyond belief. My advice is to not give up if you happen to go out w a few duds or people you don’t click with (you will often know within 5 seconds whether you want to keep talking, which is why I echo the advice to meet for coffee/drinks instead of dinner),, and ask someone you really trust to read your profile and help you choose pictures. Good luck!

        3. Just had my one year wedding anniversary with my husband who I met on OKC! I agree with keeping the online chatting to a minimum and meeting folks in person quickly. You don’t want to waste time on someone who you might seem to have chemistry with online, but there is no spark in person. I also agree with doing coffee or drink dates; being able to have a quick exit is important for the not so great dates.

    6. (This may be long!) I’d really look at a variety of platforms (OkCupid, Tindr, Hinge, POF, Match, etc) and see what seems most popular in your area. I think that each platform attracts different kinds of people (i.e. OKC in my area is predominantly younger, more science-y , Match is older men who want to get married, Tindr is for people looking for casual/hookups, Coffee Meets Bagel isn’t really great, etc), . I’d also advise you rotate and try the different platforms; OKC this is easy because you can create a blank profile, do some questions and browse your top matches. If you don’t want to go out with any of them (which has happened for me), then don’t get on that site. Try Tindr for an evening (with some wine!) and see if there’s anyone you like (although I wasn’t looking for casual so predictably it was pretty terrible). Hinge was a sleeper hit for me; I’ve gotten lots of matches and dates from it.
      My tips:
      – Pick one or two things as your firm deal breakers (for me, it was ‘nexting’ anyone who isn’t my religion or doesn’t state that they’re my religion). This helps with not getting overwhelmed.
      – Read ‘the Gift of Fear,’ listen to your gut, and be more firm than you might normally be (zero tolerance for BS, say flat-out no to dinner first dates, look for men trying to ‘charm’ you, ‘team’ you or push your boundaries)
      – Keep messaging brief (3-5), feel free to hint that you’d be willing to meet, if they don’t ask, you can be more direct
      – If you get fatigued, deactivate and give yourself a two-week vacation
      So my personal experience: I’ve tried a variety of platforms and have been on maybe 4-6 first dates; they were all good guys, just not for me. I’m actually going on my first second date this week (!!) so we’ll see how it goes.

    7. I just got back into online dating (my prev SO we met through a mutual college friend after college) and based on my previous experiences with OKCupid and CMB, I greatly prefer CMB. I live in the DC area, for what it’s worth. I’m trying online dating again to meet people in the area that otherwise I’d never meet, since most people I hang out with now are people I’ve known from college (most of us still live around DC).

      On OKC I got too many messages from sleazy guys, who basically just wanted hookups with an Asian woman. I got maybe one or two messages from decent guys who could actually hold an intelligent conversation about movies or general places to visit. I didn’t set up any in-person dates at that time because it was a few years ago and I wasn’t ready for it.

      I prefer CMB because it’s one match a day, which makes it easier to manage overall. CMB recently moved into a mobile app only interface, which is actually way better than their original online only setup. Of the mutual matches I’ve accepted, the quality of the guys appears to be much better as 1) they can spell correctly and only ask to meet up and not straight up hookups and 2) I’ve had some decent conversations with them about random things. I haven’t met anyone in person yet, but I’d much rather meet someone from CMB than OKC.

      It depends on type of person but I greatly prefer meeting people face to face first, which is why I agree with everyone else who said try to meet up as soon as possible, and try to make it a coffee or drinks date. Here CMB helps you out because the “line” is only open for a week so they encourage you to meet up soon.

      Most people I know met their SO in college, via mutual college friends/groups after college, grad school, or even way back in high school. Even with friends who tried online dating for a while, they generally ended up with someone they met via a mutual college friend or someone they met in grad school.

      1. I’m doing CMB in DC after a long dry spell too. One of my friends encouraged me to do the coffee thing first – it’s like a prescreen.

        The most recent guy I met asked me to meet again but I wasn’t in to it. I felt bad but I told him that pretty directly.

        (I ran to the gym immediately after, where I ran in to one of my guy friends that asked me to go grab dinner and see a movie, which made me feel better about bum date. So if you’re just getting back in to it, be gentle with yourself and schedule some self-care after!)

    8. NEVER, EVER go on a dinner first date. Go for coffee or a drink. Please learn from my experiences and calling my friends from the restaurant bathroom to figure out a way to cut it short!! Also, don’t get too excited when he seems great online. I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble, but I’ve been disappointed when they show up and I almost tell them they have the wrong person until they say my name.

    9. Met my husband online–extremely happily married and expecting our first child, so yes, definitely worth it.

      My advice: know what your true dealbreakers are, and sort your matches by them (if you aren’t on a site that does that for you)–do not waste time on someone where there is a real roadblock you will not be willing to overlook that would prevent you from being happy together (e.g., religion).

      I second the advice that coffee or a drink is a better first date.

      I preferred to have substantial messaging interaction before dates because I found dates more inconvenient/time consuming. At the same time, I wasn’t looking for a penpal–so if you’ve had some meaningful messaging or phone interaction, don’t put off meeting in person.

      Good luck!

  10. Ugh, I idiotically washed a 100% polyester black blazer, after getting it back from the cleaners with it now smelling like a mixture of sweat AND dry cleaning chemicals. The smell came out, no stretching or shrinking, but now it attracts lint like nobody’s business. Is there any way to get fix this?

  11. If OluKai were acceptable office wear I would live in them. As it is, I have several pairs in different colors and they are worth every penny. I just wore out one pair, and may just have to go to Zappos to hunt.

  12. I’m moving out of a rental apartment in California, where we’ve lived for 5 years. The landlord (big management company, not an individual) has informed us in writing that we must provide receipts for professional cleaning and carpet cleaning of the apartment, or the landlord will have these things done and deduct them from our security deposit. I’ve never heard of a requirement that the tenant has to pay for carpet cleaning, and I’ve always just cleaned my apartments on my own and received my full security deposit back. Does anyone know if they’re allowed to do this? Does CA have particularly landlord-friendly laws?
    They’ve also told us that they are going to charge us for repainting of the unit. From my online research it appears that this is not allowed either, because we’ve lived there for more than 2 years, but if anyone can point me to a definitive case or law that says that, I would appreciate it.

    1. I don’t know about CA law, but providing receipts for carpet cleaning has been required for every rental I’ve ever had. Often it’s cheaper to let the landlord do it and deduct the amount from the damage deposit.

      Here charging for reprinting would not be allowed unless there was significant damage to the walls because it would be considered normal wear and tear and I would fight that one for sure.

    2. I don’t know about California, but NY has a similar law about repainting and I had to fight my (large corporate) landlord on it. We basically just sent a letter saying here’s the regulation, here’s how long we’ve lived here, send us back that portion of the deposit. It took several back and forths and months of the “check getting lost in the mail” (we’re fairly certain they just didn’t send it ) before we finally got the money.

    3. The following link has some good tenant resources for the return of security deposits. In CA, it looks like they can require you to leave the premises as clean as they were when you moved in, subject ordinary wear and tear that would have occurred over the past 5 years. They cannot insist that you pay for a 3rd party to do the cleaning, but could claim that you did an insufficient job cleaning the carpets and try to charge you after the fact. I had to deal with a similar situation with a large management company and found that a strongly worded letter citing the relevant statute and insisting they return your deposit usually does the trick. A quick web search turned up a good sample letter, but I’m sure you could find others as well. You can always threaten to sue in small claims court even if you don’t really plan to follow through. It’s not usually worth their time for them to fight a battle they know they may well lose. Good luck!

      http://www.dca.ca.gov/publications/landlordbook/sec-deposit.shtml
      http://www.yourlegalcorner.com/articles.asp?cat=land&id=141

    4. I just moved away from California last year and had a similar experience. We didn’t care about the cleaning fee and just told them to use their person. They told us they would repaint a few small areas where our furniture had marked the walls and estimated the cost around $300. We said fine (we were looking for a low-maintenance move and didn’t care to take care of it all ourselves). Then, we received our security deposit back minus a reasonable charge for cleaning, and a $1200 charge for reprinting the whole house! Sent a strongly worded email and got the $1200 back. Our research indicated that painting the apartment is normal wear and tear and the landlord needs to cover it.

    5. If you end up having to do the carpet cleaning, there are ALWAYS groupons for stuff like that, just an FYI. I had to do that when I moved out of my last apartment.

      It’s stupid they want you to pay for repainting unless you painted your whole apartment some weird color. That’s the only time I’ve seen people have to pay for repainting.

  13. So I hate that I’m a lawyer sometimes. Especially a transactional lawyer. My job is to review and draft contracts all day everyday, which makes it hard for me to just enter into form contracts in my personal life. I scrutinize them all very carefully because that’s what I’m trained to do.

    Well, this has been a slight problem now that I’m newly engaged. I’m having particular issues with my wedding planner’s contract, and I’m afraid that my reasonable markups for a contract for $2,000 services might be souring the relationship. She’s unwilling to budge on a provision, and I’m not sure if that means I need to just walk away and keep looking for another planner. I get that she doesn’t usually have people challenge her form (and they likely just sign and move on), and I seriously don’t expect us to have any issues, but I can’t just sign a contract that isn’t on par with what I expect (the kicker is that she expects me to still pay for some fees if she breaches, doesn’t cure, and I terminate–which is ridiculous).

    Advice? How much did you corporate ladies have to reign it in when reviewing wedding vendor contracts?

    1. My job is commercial contracts, so I sympathize. That said, when negotiating for myself, I’m more sensitive to being theoretically right vs. what I want to achieve. In this case, I’d put more importance on a good working relationship than the perfect contract.

      So, not that you’re not theoretically right, but playing it out – Planner does a ton of legwork but screws up one vendor; Planner does a ton of legwork but arrives late to the wedding; etc – it seems reasonable that she’d be entitled to some payment for the work she did do, not a total loss.

      1. +1

        Also, keep in mind that your wedding planner is not a lawyer, and is probably worried that by altering the contract she is unintentionally putting herself at risk. When you do this for a living, negotiating a few provisions seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. But when you don’t (and may not even understand all the language in your own form of agreement all that well), it may seem like someone is trying to take advantage of you.

    2. Honestly get over it and just sign it. You will make your life miserable if you treat wedding planning like legal work. And there’s usually nothing draconian about those contracts and wedding industry people want to make you happy so you refer them to your friends and review them well. Having a good reputation is hugely important in that industry. You also are very likely to sour the relationship and be seen as difficult by taking the review all contracts approach. If you’ve already gone down that path with this planner, you might want to start fresh with a new one and don’t do the same thing so you have a clean slate.

    3. I am a transactional lawyer – dogfights on terms and conditions all day long. But in my personal life – I just sign stuff without a lot of hand wringing. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t sign stupid contracts, but I generally do not argue terms and conditions for personal services like this unless there is something crazy egregious like liquidated damages or copyright to my images. Just sign it and move on with your life.

  14. I need straight talk, and I figured you ladies could give it to me.

    One of my close friends has a cat. I am allergic to cats. However, if I take meds it’s tolerable, but still, not that pleasant to be around. She likes to invite me over for dinner, and I always reciprocate, but she says she would prefer if I just came over so she can spend time with the cat, too.

    Am I out of line to think this is a little much? I love animals, but it’s a cat. Aren’t cats fine by themselves for a couple of hours? If I just didn’t love the cat, it’d be one thing, but I’m allergic, so it’s genuinely unpleasant for me to be around it. I don’t NOT go to her place, I would just like it to be every other time instead of every single time so she can be with her cat more.

    Cat owners, what do you think?

    1. I’m a cat owner, and a dog owner, and I enjoy spending time with them, but your friend is a kooky cat lady.

    2. That’s weird. I have a cat and would never insist that someone with an allergy come over to my place. I chose to have a cat and I don’t need to inflict it on anyone who doesn’t want to hang out with it. Also, unless the cat has special needs it can definitely be by itself for a few hours.

    3. That is a crazy cat lady in training. It’s a ridiculous and selfish request, especially in light of your allergy. Just say no. Signed, I’ll Keep My Dogs

    4. I mean, maybe the cat has behavioral issues and gets upset if she is gone all day at work and then all night too. But no, that’s not a typical issue, and she’s a little bit weird if she insists on this.

    5. I’m sorry, she has an issue with you coming over 50% of the time because she wants to spend all of those meal times with her cat? Are you guys have multiple meals a day together? I cannot understand this rationale in any way, and particularly not if the other party is allergic. And I say that as my cat is (as always) less than 3 feet away from me.

      She has issues that she doesn’t want to discuss and she is pinning it on the cat. This is not normal.

    6. I think she’s out of line. Last time I visited a friend who had two cats, I ended up with a super runny nose and red eyes and had to run out to Target to get Claritin so I could breathe. After that, I told her that unfortunately due to my allergies, I’d rather meet up at a restaurant or coffee shop. So that’s what we do now.

    7. I own a cat, and that’s just weird unless the cat is dying or something. Since you have allergies, I think it’s really unreasonable.

  15. Ladies, help me find a necklace?

    I have been scouring etsy et all trying to locate one that looks as close to the tone in this photo as possible:
    https://41.media.tumblr.com/2031ef846affff81d84558981d2b9d13/tumblr_nqkjgw4FpF1rwev7qo1_400.png

    (the original one is a one-of -a-kind according to the actress)

    I am not usually a jewellery person, but this is becoming time-critical because reasons, so I am hoping those of you who know where the good stuff is can help! I am hoping to find one for under $50, and international shipping is a must.

    1. This looks like something you could pretty easily copy after a trip to Michaels, Hobby Lobby, or similar. I don’t consider myself super crafty, but that looks like it would be pretty simple to replicate.

  16. Very much seeking advice! I just completed the final round of interviews for a new job — definite salary increase with corresponding increase in intensity/responsibility. The catch is that I’m 4.5 months pregnant. Would I be crazy to make this move, given the given? I wasn’t actively looking, as things are going well at my current job and I’m at the point where I have it down, but a past boss recruited me for this one. (He does knows that I’m pregnant.) Would hugely appreciate any thoughts or similar experiences!

    2. Yes! I took a dream job at 27 weeks pregnant (and I’m due next week). FWIW, this will be my third kid so I knew what I was getting into. It’s been exhausting in the best possible way but I’m so glad I went for it (largely on the advice of the wise women around here). I would definitely negotiate leave/FMLA rights once you get an offer (if you’re in the US that is). Happy to answer other specific questions you might have, too.

      1. Much congrats! :) In my case, this isn’t my dream job per se, but certainly a job that would be a very good career move. My current maternity leave isn’t great anyway, so I’d be negotiating for time more than pay. How are you managing taking leave so soon after starting, if I can ask?

        1. Well the leave-taking part is going to be a bit of a cr@pshoot, I fear. I’m in charge of a relatively large department (in relation to the size of our overall organization) and report directly to the CEO. He and I have discussed plans but both of us are going to take it one day at a time. In prior jobs, with two other maternity leaves, I had a defined #2 person in charge to take over when I had my kids, but I’m so new right now — and the area I oversee is so dysfunctional, hence the reason I was hired — that there is no de facto #2. So my maternity leave rule for my team is: CEO makes the call, but if you want to send me something over email please do so — with the understanding that I won’t be checking in every day, and that I should not be asked to weigh in on anything time-sensitive. That said, I will probably be more connected to work this time around than I was the first two times, but I’m OK with it — I knew it was coming. CEO and I have spoken multiple times about this; nothing is going to backslide worse-off than it was before I got there, so that’s something.

          As far as the actual time I’m taking off (and the paid aspects of it), my boss is smart — as part of my initial offer, he told me I could have full FMLA benefits (so, they wouldn’t give away my job and I could be out for a full 12 weeks even though I wouldn’t have worked here for the year that makes you FMLA-eligible) and that I would be able to take advantage of the company’s self-funded disability policy (6 weeks’ paid leave). He also said I could take all of my vacation time upfront if I wanted (4 weeks). I have a portable short term disability policy that I brought with me from a previous job so I won’t have to burn through all of my vacation for the coming year, which is nice. I’ve considered the idea of going back PT after 10 weeks but am going to weigh that decision as I get closer. Hope this helps!

          1. Yes, thank you much! (In my case, I would have a #2, but I’d be hiring him/her after I started, so we are not looking at much time to get comfortable!)

  17. Hello!
    I may be doing a video conference this week as part of the interviewing process. I read some here and at askamanager. I know not to wear patterns, to look nice, and try to look at the camera not the screen. Looking for additional insight if anyone has some to share. Thanks!

    1. Test your space out before, at the same time of day, if possible. That way you know what light you need, if there’s weird sounds or anything like that. Try to do it in front of a blank wall/blank background. Videochat with a friend (using the same software) as a test-run. Good luck!

    2. Set the computer on something a little higher than you. A slight tilt up of your head is most flattering. Place more lighting around you. Wear s little stronger makeup than in person (a little bit deeper lip, shade brows, etc. ). Also, practice talking slowly and with a bit more animation than normal.

    3. I would not worry so much about flattering angles. I use VC a lot and its much different than television. I’m not expecting someone to look perfect.

      When someone else is speaking, wait a beat before responding. Sometimes there’s a slight delay and folks end up talking over each other.

      Don’t rustle papers around – microphones can pick up the sound and its annoying.

      Don’t overthink it – that’s what will make things seem odd. It’s not TV, its videoconference so expectations are different.

  18. I have started attending church and want fun colorful dresses that are modest enough for church (mainline protestant, so not-very-modest) but are different from my work clothes. Where should I look?

    1. You could try Talbots’ casual clothes. I was just there today, and they have a lot of their shirts have modest necklines and their clothes in general aren’t too clingy. Plus they have a great sale going on!

  19. Need some advice–I’m freelancing in a marketing job, and the head boss is a micro-manager. She’s been reasonably okay until recently, when she has gotten a little crazy. She is always bad at giving any guidance, and acts irate if you ask questions outside of our weekly meeting. I need a little advice…

    At 5:30 on Thursday, she shoots me an email that fiscal year close is end of day Thursday (that same day), and I need to submit an estimate of all possible expenses. I did that, but apparently missed one invoice, which had been sent to me by another department. It was not a project I had worked on myself, but they sent me the invoice, and I sent it to my boss earlier in the week, and asked if we needed to pay it. I had cc’ed the person who handles invoices in terms of entering them in the system, but Head Boss had replied just to me and said “Yes.” (One word–no mention of end-of-year.) I forgot about it when submitting estimates, and she sent me an email on Saturday saying “I hope this was included.”

    I know she is going to get really upset. I’ve been working there for four months with no real issues, but she got upset last week about me not submitting a design for approval to everyone who needed to see it (although I had never been told anyone besides her and my immediate boss needed to see it). She just kept bringing it up and bringing it up.

    My immediate boss hates her, but is not going to go to bat for a freelancer because she already doesn’t want to deal with this woman after working there two months.

    How do I nicely explain that I really need more guidance and that my mistakes have been because I haven’t fully understood expectations? I hate to feel like I am messing things up, but if I send emails asking questions, I am chastised for sending “too many emails” and if I ask, I’m told to only ask in our meetings. Do I just write this off, and suck it up for the next two months?

    Thanks for reading my novel!

    1. It’s an estimate. You missed one invoice in a last minute estimate? That seems like a pretty good estimate to me.

      1. Yes, but we could possibly not be in compliance because of it, so she’ll be very displeased. While I appreciate West Coast’s answer, I still think that telling me about a year-end deadline once it has technically passed by a half-hour is pretty unreasonable–but I can’t exactly point that out. That factor definitely contributed to the error.

  20. I’ll start with the invoice because it is the most straightforward…
    You made a mistake and should probably apologize, and then move on. It was an oversight on your part, and does not seem like the any guidance from the boss would have helped, other than reminding you to include it, which she should not have to do.

    For the approvals…
    You did require more guidance here, so it is an understandable error she should probably not keep repeating.

    For the micromanagement…
    One of my initial reactions was, “Why isn’t her immediate boss providing adequate guidance?” There are of course times when input from the ‘head boss’ is needed, but I would think that for issues like who needs to approve a design, that the immediate manager should have given guidance. It seems like their poor relationship (“hates her”) might be hindering communication, and that ends up impacting you. I had a similar situation some years ago, and what I took to be the head boss’ frustration with me (including wanting to limit our channels of communication) was more that he wanted my boss to actually be a manager to me. As a manager of others now, I completely understand… as head boss, if I were to have 100% communication with you, it would mean I am actually doing a terrible job holding my team accountable for their responsibilities. You may need to manage up with your immediate boss to make sure that she asks the questions that you need to work. Doing so ends up requiring anticipation on your part of potential questions and discussions that need to take place between the two of them to ensure you have the guidance you need.

    1. The reason my immediate boss hates her is situations like this. “Head boss” often thinks she has told you something and hasn’t, or thinks that she’s made something clear (like who needs to approve) and hasn’t.

      In short, she is a terrible manager–one of the worst I’ve ever encountered. My boss is also not “allowed” to ask questions outside of one weekly status meeting, and is simply not going to go to bat for me, so I guess I just need to suck it up. They are currently having a bit of a battle where Head Boss will hand off projects, then take them back, so if my boss gives me instruction, it can then be invalidated the next day.

      The issue for me is that I used to work full-time at this company long ago, and Head Boss could damage my reputation–but after this experience, I’m not sure I would ever want to work there again.

      1. Gotcha. In this case, I’d suggest taking notes during the weekly status meeting. Review them to make sure they are concise and then send out the notes to the bosses saying 1) can you confirm the scope and directions are ABC?, 2) please let me know if there is any thing I might have missed?

        Then, track any other communications that might impact this.

        The way to broach this new process is to say that you want to make sure an oversight like the ‘review with all parties’ does not happen again, and since the status update is the main communication tool, you want to make sure you get it right. Would they mind confirming the notes sent via email after the meeting?

        The head boss seems like she may lack structure in her thinking, and this sort of follow up may help her give you the guidance you need to be successful.

        1. Thanks! Good ideas. She may even object to an “extra email,” given how extreme she is in this area, but if so, she’s completely unreasonable.

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