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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 208 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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BP Fringe Tote | CorporetteSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.  Fringe continues to go strong for fall and is showing up on accessories all over the place. I first spied this fun (and highly rated) Frye bag, which at $458 is a lot unless you're seriously into the trend — but then saw this lovely little tote, which I like better and is only $48. The shortest strap is only 6.5″ (which unfortunately probably means that if, like me, you are large of arm, it's going to be a tight fit to wear it on your shoulder the way the model is), but there's a crossbody strap as well. BP Fringe Tote (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.19.24

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
  • Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
  • Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
  • Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
  • Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
  • White House Black Market – 40% off select styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Junior Associate

    Has anyone felt like they needed to set a really concrete goal and achieve it? Like, run a marathon, get an article published, put a really big jigsaw puzzle together? I’ve been feeling unmotivated and I think having something big and concrete to work towards would help. Has anyone ever felt like this or have ideas of “fun” goals or challenges to set for yourself?

    • Anonymous

      Yep! I often set goals as a reminder to be ‘present’ in my life and not just caught up in the school-work-home treadmill.

      My current project that I’m really loving is my 27 women project- I realised that my bookshelf was depressingly white and male, so since I turned 27 this year, I’m challenging myself to read 27 books by women, only two of which can be romance novels. Since I hate both chicklit and Serious Contemporary Literature with a burning passion, it’s been really fun finding things to read in unexpected places!

        • Anonymous

          Feel free! It shocked me to realise just how undiverse my reading was. And even AFTER committing to 27 books, I still reached automatically for books by male authors. It’s definitely made me more aware of my own deeply entrenched sexism…

      • Sydney Bristow

        That sounds awesome! Can you share the books you’ve picked so far?

        I’m almost finished with my current project, which is to go back and read all the Baby-Sitters Club books. I was totally into the series as a kid and felt like picking it back up.

        • Anonymous

          Sure! I started the challenge in July, and so far I’ve read A Shambling Guide to NYC, by Mur Lafferty, Girl Sleuth (about Nancy Drew- so good!) by Melanie Rehak, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas, The Selection by Kiera Cass, Lumberjanes vol. 1 (so. adorable!), and Otherwise Engaged by Amanda Quick.

          … and I’m realising my list is rather white and heavy on the fluff (in my defense, I’m in grad school…) Up next: Feminism is for Everybody, by bell hooks, Kindred bt Octavia Butler, Who Cooked the Last Supper by Rosalind Miles, Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay, Un Lun Dun by China Mievelle. Any suggestions (especially history or SF/F!) welcome!)

          • Sydney Bristow

            Thanks! I’m adding these to my to read list.

            A nonfiction book you might be interested in is Reading Women by Stephanie Staal. The author as an adult revisits feminist literature that she first encountered in college.

          • Em

            Fair warning, anon: China Mievelle is a man. (Also, I liked City and the City but kind of hated Un Lun Dun).

            In terms of suggestions, have you tried A Natural History of Dragons by Marie Brennan? I thought it, and especially the sequels, were delightful. They’re about a lady naturalist who studies dragons (in a world much like our own during the Victorian era but with, you know, dragons).

          • KinCA

            I love this idea! I recently read The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and The Aviator’s Wife by Melanie Benjamin and couldn’t put either down – definitely recommend both. I also really liked American Ghost by Hannah Nordhaus; it made me want to start doing some ancestral/genealogical research of my own.

          • Alanna of Trebond

            Replying to say that Jhumpa Lahiri is not a man. Hope someone else said it already.

          • 2 Cents

            Admittedly, it’s for kids, but Suzanne Collins’ first series, Gregor the Overlander, (5 books) is really well done. I kinda liked it more than Hunger Games.

          • Hazel

            China Mievelle is a guy, but I’ve heard his books highly recommended anyway. :) (And, if you’re still willing to read books written by white men, Max Gladstone’s The Craft Sequence is amazing. Start with Three Parts Dead, which is a fantasy novel structured like a courtroom thriller, complete with wizards in pinstripe suits and necromancy structured like bankruptcy…)

            SF/F written by female authors, though. Try A Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin; Cold Magic by Kate Elliott; Shards of Honor (science fiction) or The Curse of Chalion (fantasy) by Lois McMaster Bujold; Uprooted by Naomi Novik; The Cloud Roads by Martha Wells; Cleopatra’s Heir by Gillian Bradshaw (actually historical fiction, but close enough.)

            I could go on but won’t. Enjoy your reading!

          • emeralds

            Uprooted is one of the best fantasy books I’ve read in a long time. Cannot recommend highly enough.

          • Wanderlust

            Definitely get some Margaret Atwood and Jeann e t t e Winterson and Jeann e t t e Walls onto that list! Also, Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel is gripping.

          • PolyD

            If you like nonfiction, check out Mary Roach (Packing for Mars, Stiff, Bonk).

          • Gail the Goldfish

            SF/F is my thing. Favorite female SF/F authors and books (most of which, now that I look at the list, are technically classified as books for young adults…)
            Crown Duel by Sherwood Smith (YA)
            The Young Wizardry series by Diane Duane (YA; she has also written some more adult fantasy/sci-fi stuff and wrote Star Trek novels for a while; young wizards are just my favorite of hers)
            The Tortall series (all of them) by Tamora Pierce (YA)
            The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley (all of her books are good, actually) (YA)
            The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley
            the Dragonriders of Pern series by Anne McCaffrey
            Outlander series by Diane Gabaldon (I guess this counts as fantasy?/historical fiction/romance?)

            I am I’m sure missing some favorites. There are actually a lot of female SF/F authors.

          • Jen

            Seconding Margaret Atwood, as well as Joan Didion! Also, to diversify your list, I suggest any of Sandra Cisneros’ poetry or short stories. She’s incredible.

          • National_Anthem

            Oooooh, Kindred is such an interesting book. Enjoy!
            I didn’t realize until now how high the percentage of women authors on my bookshelf is! So now I have a ton of suggestions. :)
            I second Margaret Atwood. B*stard out of Carolina by Dorothy Alison is really really good, but also pretty heavy (so be warned). I also recommend Breath, Eyes, Memory – Edwidge Danticat, Dreaming in Cuban – Christina Garcia, The Poisonwood Bible – Barbara Kingsolver, Sula – Toni Morrison, and basically anything by Alice Walker, but specifically Meridian and In Love and Trouble. Or The Temple of My Familiar.
            Also, it’s kind of young adult-y, but back in the day I really liked Madeline L’Engle’s books beyond A Wrinkle in Time (which you’ve probably read).. My favorite as a teenager was Troubling a Star.
            Lastly, you’d might have to be interested in Economics to find this interesting, but I found Women and Economics by Charlotte Perkins Gilman fascinating.
            I could go on but I feel like you’re probably up to your ears in quality suggestions by now. :)

          • brokentoe

            Read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. Also, Louise Erdrich is an Ojibwe writer of novels, poetry, and children’s books featuring Native American characters and settings.

          • National_Anthem

            Sorry, can’t help myself. You might also like the Deborah Harkness All Souls trilogy. The first book in the series (and what I think is the best one) is A Discovery of Witches.

          • Eliza

            I read the All Souls trilogy after a past recommendation here and loved it start to finish.

          • Cb

            I just read a very accessible and interesting introduction to feminist history called ‘No Turning Back’.

          • Ems

            The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
            Comfort Woman by Nora Okja Keller (YA, historical fiction)
            A History of Witches by Deborah Harkness (National_Anthem recommended above, but I second)
            Also seconding the rec for “Outlander”; my boss also recommends it on audiobook

          • Monday

            Right you are, Alanna! I was confusing HER with someone else. I liked The Lowland a lot, which I believe is HER most recent book. Oops!

          • Anonymous

            @Monday – what?? Jhumpa Lahiri is definitely a woman (and the character on the Mindy Project was named after her).

        • Anonymous

          After that, you should read the California Diaries. Worth a read if you never read them – I didn’t realize they existed until recently and bought them on ebay.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I might just do that! I didn’t realize they existed at the time either.

        • Anon100

          More female authors who write sci-fi, esp ones who’ve published within the last couple of years:
          – Incryptid series by Seanan McGuire
          – Kate Daniels by Ilona Andrews (technically she writes with her husband but from her blog it sounds like she does more of the writing?)
          Caveat: yes there’s romance in these books, but it’s not the *main* thing at all. There’s considerably more of the women being badass and fighting off monsters on their own.

          All the things by Diana Wynne Jones. Some are more YA, but several are more adult. I also love her Tough Guide to Fantasyland :)

          Things that may be on the fence, regarding romance:
          The Cinder series by Marissa Meyer – it’s a Cinderella retelling set in the future/outer space. I also like how the main characters aren’t Eurocentric.

          The older book by Mercedes Lackey – so many fantasy books, although mostly for YA, and her fairytale retellings probably fall straight into romance category BUT some of them make it more interesting. (My personal faves being Black Swan, Phoenix & Ashes, and The Fire Rose. Her newer books are terrible.)

      • K

        Not sure what you mean by Serious Contemporary Literature or if you like mysteries. If you give me more info, I’ll give you more recommendations, but you might like:

        Ghettoside by Jill Leovy (non-fiction)
        Casebook by Mona Simpson
        Girl at War by Sara Novic
        Boy, Snow, Bird by Helen Oyeyemi
        Re Jane by Patricia Park (modern retelling of Jane Eyre)
        Unbecoming by Rebecca Scherm

          • lslsls

            Not a book, but have you seen Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries on Netflix? Season 3 came out and I’m loving it!

          • Heatherskib

            Yep. I totally binge watched it while I was monitoring my teenage nieces while their parents were out of town one weekend. Skipping, of course, the episode with the faulty PPD. I’ve created a new generation of fans!

            I love that show.

          • Anonymous

            Miss Fisher is a book – was a book series first, actually! They are fun reads. Also, along the same lines, the Amelia Peabody books (Crocodile on a Sandbank).

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Hey, for anyone looking for a reading challenge, check out the “Read Harder” challenge on Book Riot – it’s a list of 24 categories of book that are meant to expand your reading horizons. I’ve been following it for the last two months, and my reading life has been remarkably improved by it.

      • Nashira

        I would highly recommend the Ancillary trilogy by Ann Leckie, the rest of Octavis Butler’s books, Nnedi Okorafor’s stuff, C. J. Cherryh, C. S. Friedman (especially This Alien Shore), and the work of James Tiptree Jr aka Alice Sheldon. There’s also a biography of Tiptree/Sheldon that my dad says is quite good, since she was a fascinating and complex person.

    • mascot

      I did a half marathon earlier this year. It was a challenge outside of my comfort zone, but still manageable.

    • setting goals

      Yes! A while back, I went to a panel discussion about increasing the participation of women on corporate boards. The panelists emphasized that an important first step (especially earlier in your career) is to serve on a non-profit board of directors, to get boardroom experience. I was so inspired by this talk – especially the idea that it was a way to demonstrate leadership (since my current position isn’t obviously a management/leadership role), and also to give back in a really satisfying way to a cause that you’re passionate about.

      I set a goal to join a non-profit board within 1 year. There were a few false starts along the way, but almost exactly 1 year to the date, I made it. The year-long process of putting myself out there, figuring out what I care about, what my skills are, what organizations are doing good work… it was so valuable. It was great to push myself like that, and I think it will have huge benefits for me down the road, both in terms of career and personal growth.

      Speaking of which… if anyone out there is interested in joining a board, my organization needs another board member (NYC area). I’m constantly amazed by the wisdom and ambition of the women on this s*te. If you’re interested, contact me by the address in my profile and I’ll send an information packet. No obligation (since obviously your interest will depend on our cause and other details), and you can remain anonymous. This is a legit, well-functioning charity, and small enough that you don’t need to be wealthy or have decades of C-suite experience to join.

      • setting goals

        argh I have no idea how to get the profile thing to work. For anyone else interested, the address is foodpantryjh @ gmail … (3 guesses what kind of a charity it is). and kc esq, I will get back to you shortly!

      • Anonymous

        I will say though that being on a nonprofit board is largely fund raising and not so much other board skills (which are usually much needed by nonprofits).

        I am ususally picked or asked b/c I am a lawyer who is good at #s and business issues (I thought) but it more like “you can write a large check and so can your friends.”

        In that case, I’d rather just write the check and not bother with being on the board.

        • setting goals

          But this really depends on the board! I know you’re right in many cases, and that’s why it’s worth putting a lot of time into investigating a board position before saying yes. For us (and I suspect for many smaller, community-based groups with small boards), the opposite is true. We have some work that we need to do, and I need to find people with the skills to do it. When we finish this project, I believe our board members will be able to list some specific and impressive accomplishments on their resumes (I hope!).

          • Anonymous

            I have found that I get better skills from volunteer assignments and committee work than nonprofit board membership. So: finance, budget, pr, etc. The “doing” work and committees. The things that just raise funds have been less interesting.

            But since I’m a lawyer, I often take probono referrals to review contracts all the time and absolutely love that b/c you get to have some very meaningful work that can often be very interesting (insurance issues for museums, field trips with children to China). Cannot say enough good things about this type of work.

      • Ellen

        Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and I love this question, Kat! I alway’s set goal’s for myself, with dad’s help. I first had a goal of graduateing college, then law school, then passeing the bar, and then getting a job. After I met those (even with a crappy job), dad had me set my goals on getting MARRIED and becomeing a partner. I have done the latter, but still am workeing on finding a guy. Since that is not comeing so soon, my next goal, like the OP’s, is to be the best WC attorney in NYS, and mabye get to be a WC judge by age 40. Alternatively, I am considering applying to become a law professor at my law school, since DAD has given alot of money over the years’ in my name to advance my status there. Finaly, I am considering becoming a board of director at a charity or 2, like NY Care’s or Goodwill, and then PARLAYING that into becoming a board of director at a Fortune 500 company in town, like Time Warner or Cabelvision or Dunkin Donuts or Macy’s or Lord and Taylor or someplace that I can make a diference. I figure that with my WC experence and legal skills, I can become a valueable addition to the corporate world. YAY!!!!

        Dad says that I am far more driven then Rosa, tho she has pumped out 3 kids already and I have yet to find a guy willing to impregnate me as my husband. FOOEY! But I have the right attitude–meaning I keep trying and hopefully will find the RIGHT guy to marry me. Mabye the Hive can help, but dad says that I must help myself, and in NYC, there are plenty of fish in the sea. YAY!!!!!

      • Non-profits boards in DC

        I’m impressed and intrigued! How did you get your start? Can you recommend a non-profit in DC?

    • Anonymous

      all the time. in fact, this is a stress coping mechanism for me. right now I am thinking about training for a 160 mile bike ride.

    • Anon

      I definitely did this to get more motivated to work out. A couple years ago I swam in a race across the East River. It got me into the pool a few days a week all winter, not to mention lifting more and in the early summer swimming in the ocean (which was a new / good experience).

      I could never run a marathon, since I’m not a runner. I’d suggest looking for something that already aligns with your skills and interests and then finding a way to push that. For me, having a date (and plunking down the entrance fee 8 months in advance) made a huge difference.

  2. G6PD

    Anyone deal with G6PD? Is it easy or hard to control? Things to look out for with kids?

    • Baby doc

      I’m a pediatrician and we see this fairly frequently in infants. Basically, there is increased red blood cell breakdown with extra oxidative stress. It’s usually presents in infants with jaundice (because RBC breakdown leads to bilirubin formation and this is tough for a baby’s immature liver to break down efficiently). As kids get older, they need to avoid certain types of foods (fava beans, gin&tonic) and some drugs (mostly certain antibiotics). It’s usually not a big deal beyond be neonatal period, so long as you’re aware of the food/drug restrictions

  3. a regular reader

    Best/Favorite affordable (under $30) tops to flatter folks who have a tummy (work or play wear are both ok)?

    • Anonymous

      I found some great (sleeveless) tops at Target of all places, the Merona line. I’m a size 14/16 (mostly b/c tummy) and they look really good on me.

    • Anonymous

      Vince Camuto sleeveless faux wrap top. You’d have to do some sale shopping.

    • Anon

      I like some of the ruched midsection ones from White House Black Market. I have a very small chest and a tummy, and these suit me well.

  4. Sydney Bristow

    Day 4 of the standing desk and it’s going well. I’ve been standing for an hour then sitting for 30 min. It works out to about 7 hours a day standing. I’m definitely sore but feel good about it.

    I’ve started looking for a fitness tracker and there are just so many options. I want to track calories burned throughout the day (including from standing at work), steps, and sleep. Any recommendations on the best ones to look at? I’m not really concerned about price and will pay for something that does what I’m looking for well.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Oh and I just got an anti-fatigue mat today. I also found that I’m a bit more comfortable wearing a shoe with a slight wedge because it shifts my center of balance a bit. Standing in those shoes on the mat seems like it has shifted back though.

    • AZCPA

      Its not exciting, but I still love my FitBit Flex. The biggest reason is that is actually has fewer bells and whistles – it goes a full week (at least) between charges, and its small enough that its comfortable to wear under long sleeves, at the gym, sleeping, etc. Plus, there are so many cute bands for it now that I can easily find something that looks professional enough for work. All the other options I looked at are just too big and bulky for me. Plus, they have amazing customer service – mine stopped charging about 14 months in (warranty is a year) and they replaced it, no questions asked. I love the work of the new Leaf, but availability is super limited and the apps that work with it are limited as well.

    • How much does the mat help?

      I got a desk I can adjust up and down but have trouble standing (in flats) for more than 30 minutes or so. Did the mat make much of a difference?

      • anon

        The mat made a huge different for me, although I usually stand barefoot unless I’m wearing boots.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I only had it for a few hours today and I don’t think it made a ton of difference. I think shifting my center of balance with little wedges was much more helpful.

    • Liz

      My DH has a Garmin GPS watch, which has a step tracker and will also remind him to move if he hasn’t in the last hour. He loves it! Also great job with your standing desk! I love mine.

    • moss

      I have the misfit flash. It tracks steps and sleep. It has a battery so doesn’t need charging, just battery replacement every 6 months or so. I like it well enough. You can’t change the activity profile, though. It defaults to some number of minutes walking, running, and swimming. I do walking and dance so I don’t like the profile but you can’t change the activities. Soooooooooo in conclusion, I am not sure I’d recommend it but it works for me, for now.

  5. purplesneakers

    I know the OMG/OG bag is super popular here, but I was wondering, for those of you who have it… is it worth the price tag?

    My current bag is a $30 Target bag that’s held up surprisingly well, considering, but it doesn’t have a zipper of any kind and I’d like to replace it with something more secure. I’m eyeing the OMG as a Diwali present to myself, but I hesitate to pull the trigger since a little over $200 (with the current discount) is still pretty steep on a grad school budget. I’d strongly consider it if it was worth it, though.

    • Nan

      I think if you love it, it’s worth it. For me, I’d never pay for the OG or OMG because I think they’re not at all stylish, and I think function and style aren’t mutually exclusive. But $200 is very reasonable for a bad you think you will use often and be happy with, so it’s very person-specific.

    • schmorange

      One vote for no. I got the OG in law school and only used it occasionally. I like the many different pockets but I found it too heavy on its own, not to mention with books, to use regularly, and reverted to my Le Pliage instead. I never use it now, in working life, except when I am flying, and then not even every time. I have toyed with the idea of just selling the thing.

    • NYC tech

      I love love love my OG and use it every day. I think it depends on your circumstances. I commute by subway, and every day need to carry gym clothes & shoes, lunch, makeup, possibly some papers or a book, etc etc. The bag is comfortable on my shoulder, keeps everything organized, is relatively stylish, and is roomy (I hate the look of a crammed bag). I’ve also used it for traveling, either alone as an overnight bag, or as my carry-on for longer trips. Wonderful. But, on days when I don’t need my gym stuff, I’ll sometimes chose a smaller bag (yay variety)

    • Care

      What do you want to use it for? I bought the OMG in the spring and have used it a lot less than the TT (which I just got in the last month). For traveling, the OMG might be better because it holds more, but I’ve travelled with the TT and prefer it for the day-to-day. I think the OMG is too big for everyday because I just don’t carry that much stuff yet. Maybe with kids or other obligations I would need the larger bag, but everything I need at this point fits into the TT.

    • ace

      Look for a discount code – they run them every few months, and likely will have a black friday sale. I think it’s either 30-40% off.

      I like the OG for travel and it’s very functional, but it’s not the most fashionable. I tend to use it mostly for travel and when I need the extra space to lug gym clothes, files, etc. I wouldn’t pay full retail, but got mine several years ago with a 30% off code and it’s held up really well.

    • Anonymous

      I’d most likely get the OMG, partially b/c back issues mean I can’t carry a hugely stuffed bag and partially because I feel like the OG would look ridiculous on my 5’4 frame.

      I’d use it as a daily bag (without gym stuff, I have a separate bag for that since I don’t go on the way to/from work) but I’m okay with the size, since on any given day I have my laptop, A5 Filofax, notebook, makeup pouch, EDC emergency pouch, and pencil case, so it feels like it would be just the right size. Also when I travel, since that’s my main issue with my current bag- I’m not happy with how risky the lack of zip is.

      • Ems

        Meh, get yourself a le pliage. the OMG sucks as an everyday bag for me because of the padding and because the side compartment is difficult to get the laptop into unless it’s empty, but then how do you get it out at the airport?!

    • Josie Pye

      I have and love the OMG, and I’ve never regretted it (I also happen to think it’s kind of stylish looking with the bowling-bag shape, rather than just a tote shape). This past week on a flight back from Europe, the guy in the seat next to me knocked an entire cup of orange juice onto the (thankfully zipped) bag, and not only did everything inside stay totally dry, but the juice repelled off the outside and I didn’t even have to clean it, although I did as a precaution. I also love how it slips onto a suitcase handle.

    • Need to Improve

      I have an OG and an MZ Wallace Kate. The MZ Wallace is much, much prettier and has more diverse uses.

      The OG is great for travel because it fits my computer, work papers, and other stuff (like extra pairs of shoes that don’t fit in my rollerbag). But I don’t use it except to travel. For the price, I expected better quality. The zippers look cheap and are kind of flimsy. The straps are thin and awkward. I give it a B-.

      • Anonymous

        The OG and the OMG have a nylon exterior. That seems awfully expensive for a bag that isn’t leather.

        • Wildkitten

          They are really well made with great details IMHO. Bags that hold that much stuff would be impossibly heavy in leather. The biggest question is whether they are TOO big for your needs.

  6. Em

    Why does every comment I make go into moderation? Do I have a history of trolling I don’t realize?

    • Wildkitten

      If your username or email address trigger moderation every comment will go to moderation.

  7. Anonymous

    Has anyone else been listening to the new Adele song on repeat for the last seven hours? Just me? #cantstopwontstop

  8. Chicago Gal

    Would love to hear perspective on this from the many big-law attorneys here. I’m considering applying for a project management leadership position at a large multinational law firm. The position would report directly to the CIO. Now, regardless of whether or not I’m actually qualified for the position (I think I’m borderline, honestly) I’d like to hear from those of you in big law about your perception of firm life for the non-attorneys. Be honest–does it stink? The position is mid-senior level, so I’d assume with that comes some amount of respect. But would I still be considered a different class, since I wouldn’t actually be one of the revenue generators?

    • JJ

      In a word, yes. There are some outlier firms, and interviewing would probably give you a sense of whether this particular firm is one or not, but generally not being a revenue generator in a BigLaw firm is a lower “class” position. Everyone would still respect you (generally), but the benefits, perks, and salary will probably pale in comparison to the attorneys.

      • ace

        This. You will be considered different from the other lawyers who are working in a revenue generating role. That may not be a bad thing — I think it’s more of a lifestyle position, potentially, though it depends who you are working for. You will definitely be viewed more as part of the support staff for the firm than a “regular” lawyer.

    • Anonymous

      This varies a ton from firm to firm. At my old firm, staff was well-paid, got good benefits and had a great deal of autonomy/responsibility. That said, the law firm model is under a great deal of stress now- often manifesting in salary freezes or layoffs for non-lawyers- and it’s hard for me to believe the model will be around for that much longer in its current form. I’d be really wary of getting into the sector at this stage if you’re already in a stable or growth industry.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, you would absolutely be viewed as a different class. You would be staff, there to support the moneymakers. That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily terrible- pay can be good, hours too, quality work, but I wouldn’t move into it from a career elsewhere.

    • Anon DC

      I’m in one of those spots now. You are basically facing tons of stress, longs hours and little appreciation since you are staff. I do have somewhat shorter hours but still work weekends, check my email all the time and as middle management feel pressure on all sides. The poster above is right – the industry is changing. There will always be a need for support staff and my benefits are great because it’s a big firm, esp if you take advantage of the 401k, and pay is solid but they are increasingly squeezing more out of less. I’m looking to get out myself. Many firms are also moving support staff to less desirable locations within the US or cheaper countries.

  9. Hazel

    I moved to Chicago a couple of months ago and need to gear up for winter–specifically, purchase of winter boots, since I have a walking/train commute. I’ve heard good things about Sorel (either Tivoli or Joan of Arc). Can anyone with experience weigh in on them or, alternately, offer other recommendations?

    Also, how do you handle winter boots with trousers? Tuck/untuck? Or is it skirts and tights until May?

    • Snickety

      Oh, you’ll definitely want to keep pants in the rotation, particularly when it is very cold. For me it depends on the pants and how snowy/slushy it is. I tuck pants into boots if my pant legs are likely to get wet or if the pants have a narrow leg that won’t comfortably hang over the boot. Probably more in than out. LL Bean is also great for winter boots.

    • Shayla

      I tuck pants if I wear them, but prefer skirts. On really cold days I wear two layers of fleece lined tights. The bottom layer are the normal ones with feet. The top layer are footless and you can pull off once you get to your destination and stash in a drawer.

      If you’re down town you may consider just a rain boot. I see all kinds of adorable snow boots but I’m unsure how women keep them clean. After snow fall, the ice melts into dirty yucky slush that spans the entire circumference of a corner that is impossible to walk around at every intersection. Rain boots are easy to clean and I don’t worry about it. There are only a handful of days that I think my rain boots aren’t cutting it for heat, but that’s not enough to get me to buy snow boots.

      • Hazel

        I always thought the FLEECE TIGHTS were a joke, but now I foresee myself heading to Walgreens to get some. ;)

        • purple chicagoan

          Beware, I bought those fleece-lined tights from Walgreens and they stained my fingers purple putting them on as well as the plastic bag I threw them away in! To answer your question, though, I prefer skirts and dresses with thick socks or leggings over the tights and if I wear pants, I tuck them in. Welcome!

        • Shayla

          I just bought a bunch of fleece-lined tights from Ross, so give those stores a try for good quality but cheaper options. My fleece tights are work horses, though, so they are worth the money. I’ve gotten some from Amazon ($8?) that I was pleased with. I too layer socks on top of tights, but when I’ve done it with the fleece lined tights, the color of the sock has pilled onto the tights (does that make sense?). So, now I only layer with socks the same color as my tights. Best of luck and welcome!

    • Beth

      For Sorels, depending on your foot size you can buy youth sizes and save about $70 (they make a Youth Joan of Arctic and Caribou). For reference, I’m a size 5 and wear either a 2 or 3 in Youth. A friend of mine is a 7.5-8 and a size 5 Youth.

      In Chicago, you could also probably get away with Land’s End type boots or Hunters + liners. They’ll clear the sidewalks relatively quickly so you won’t be walking in calf-deep snow, you just need something warm and grippy.

    • Monte

      I wore my snow boots during the polar vortex, and my Hunters or normal knee high boots the rest of the time over the last two (rough) winters.

      I am definitely a skirt person over pants — fleece tights, a long coat, and an extra pair of socks if I am going out for a long walk. Otherwise, if it really gross, I tend to wear jeans I can tuck into my pants — if I am headed to work, I will just change into a suit once I’m there, because I hate commuting in pants, even though Beth is correct that sidewalks get cleared relatively quickly.

    • Chicago MD

      Unless you prefer clunky big snow boots, why not some sleek, warm, waterproof La Canadienne?

      Hunters and liners are not appropriate in Chicago.

    • espresso bean

      Agree with all the other comments here. I have Sorels and love them. While sidewalks are generally cleared quickly, you’ll still have to navigate slushy corners, puddles, and muck when crossing the street or boarding busses. I definitely prefer tights to pants when it’s very cold. They work better for layering, and I feel more put-together somehow. I just keep heels or ankle boots at the office to change into (everyone has like five pairs of shoes under their desk in the winter where I work).

      The new Uniqlo opened here in Chicago yesterday, and I’ve heard good things about their Heattech line. Might be worth a try as an extra layer under pants, tights, or tops.

  10. friend rant

    I have lately noticed that a friend and colleague (who I have known and worked with for over ten years), tends to talk “at me” rather than with me. we have always had good conversations…about work, politics, interests..etc, but lately, when we have lunch together, and I ask her about her weekend, or what she is working on, for example, she starts narrating all the info, and often takes over fifteen minutes to respond.

    When I nod and listen, and interject at intervals (when I can), she keeps saying… and just one more thing before you say something/ go! often, I may be saying bye, and am in my coat, and she keeps me listening for over 20 minutes. I will walk closer to the door, start putting things away, and say, “well, I better get back to work/ go home/get this done/ .. it has been great catching up, ” and she agrees, and then says..”one more thing before You go,” and keeps talking.

    She has been a good friend in the past, and our conversations were always more balanced with a give and take…now she seems excited, and worked up when we talk, and even starts a lively debate, but I feel I cannot respond, or even converse as well as I used to. I enjoy our conversations, but feel I am being held ‘hostage for too long’. other colleagues have also noticed, and she stopped by while I was talking with an intern, and stayed over fifteen minutes, even though she could tell we were meeting. The intern then commented that she was a lovely, sweet woman, but I could tell she was (rightly so) annoyed, and she could see I was trying to disengage.

    Sorry for the novel, but I do feel guilty that I am even saying this about a close friend, but in the last while, something has changed ( she is 16 years older than me and will retire in a few years). Any suggestions how to politely navigate this situation? thanks!

    • Anon

      I winder if there is something going on in her personal life (or even a hormonal imbalance or some depression or other condition) that is causing her to feel like she needs connection or attention. Perhaps a relationship at home is deteriorating. Perhaps she is caring for a family member and isn’t getting the chance to tell anyone how her day or weekend was or whatever. I’d approach it from that angle–hey, I have noticed you have so much to telll me lately, and it seems like we don’t have our usual back and forth–is there something going on?

      And it there’s nothing going on, she may not even realize she is doing this.

    • nutella

      I say cut her some slack. Maybe she lost a close confidante, maybe she enjoys talking to you, maybe she enjoys acting as a mentor to you before she retires.

      • friend rant op

        Thank you for the suggestions. I feel better after this feedback, and relieved that I have been handling this!

        I know her closest relative moved away a year and a half ago, so that is likely a factor, and I think maybe it is hormonal too:) I don’t usually mind too much.. just lately, I feel a bit overwhelmed. I have been polite, and she is really interesting, so I will carry on!

    • Need to Improve

      A polite way that I end conversations in the office is saying I have to go to the kitchen/printer/bathroom and walking out of my office. It may not work with your situation–she may follow yo!–but worth trying

    • hmmmm.....

      Is this a sudden change from her norm?

      I wonder if she could be manic?

  11. Fertility

    I have a question in light of this morning’s discussion. I’m 32 and single, and I really want kids. Ideally in a loving marriage with someone wonderful, but if it comes down to it I would have a child on my own. I know I’m a ways off from needing to seriously consider those options, but given that I’m 100% single, even if I met the love of my life tomorrow I’d still probably be a few years out from actually trying for kids on a normal timeline. I’m dating a lot, have had several serious relationships in the past, and am hopeful/confident that I’ll meet someone someday and that I will find my own happiness even if it never happens (Sara Eckel’s book was extremely helpful on that topic, btw). The only part of my single-hood that gives me any anxiety is wanting biological children.

    So, my questions… What, if anything, would I be able to figure out about my potential future fertility now? Do the things that they can check when you’re TTC (I’ve heard it’s things like hormone levels and follicle count) give you any sense about the future? Do they even do tests on people who are not trying? If it wouldn’t be covered by my insurance, is it expensive? Is now the time to start considering whether or not or should freeze my eggs? I could theoretically afford it if necessary (BigLaw associate) but I’m starting a much lower-paying job next year so would prefer not to spend the money/have such an invasive procedure if everything is still looking good. I realize I could ask my GYN these questions but I’m several months away from my next annual appointment so just wanted to get some thoughts. TIA :)

    • anon

      Almost exactly the same boat but 33. I think I would be okay without having kids at all but yeah, what are the options of being tested?

    • NYCpg

      Having just been through the infertility wringer at age 30, I’d encourage you to make an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for a consult on egg freezing. There are simple blood tests they can do to assess your ovarian reserve but be aware these numbers can change quickly over time. If you’re worrying about this, a cycle or two of egg freezing, while stressful/expensive/annoying, is a fantastic option for some peace of mind.

    • Batgirl

      If it’s an easier first step, you can have your GP or your OB/GYN test your AMH and FSH levels. They’re not 100% reliable but they do give you some information. Even if not covered by insurance, shouldn’t be over $100.

      And I’d just say, having gone through a few rounds of IVF (including a freezing round), doing a round for freezing is really not so bad. It’s two weeks of injections and a really minor procedure (yes, you’re knocked out, but I didn’t feel any pain at all from it and it probably only lasted 15 min).

    • Anon

      Having been through many years of IF treatments, I would say it’s not such a bad idea to get checked out pre-emptively if having bio-kids is really important to you. I suspect some of the testing will be covered, and depending on your means I don’t think it’s crazy expensive. If I remember what was billed to my insurance correctly, the full cost of an HSG exam is under $1K. And I think everything else is mostly bloodwork and maybe an ultrasound.

      Reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great first step. It’ll teach you how to chart etc (don’t think you need to temp readings if you are not actually TTC). If your charts suggest that you ovulate regularly (even if your cycle is longer than the “average” 28 days), the likelihood that you have issues is much lower…and if you don’t (or if you have a short cycle), then it’s a very strong indicator that something could be amiss.

      • Charting/apps

        I second this — get your levels checked, but the regularity of your cycle is a big indicator of how easy/hard it will be to get pregnant. I just started using the app Ruby (I think it’s called Eve now) and like it. Makes it easier to chart/keep track of that stuff. Read the book too so you know what you’re looking for — once you’ve been paying attention a while it’s easy (for me at least) to tell when I’m definitely ovulating.

    • Anon

      Freeze your eggs now. Their quality gets much worse as you age and in your 30s you are aging fast. It will give you peace of mind and hopefully keep you from settling just because you’re looking for a dad (or mom) rather than a partner. If this is what you want, aggressively date now. Get online and don’t take “breaks”. Get out there. If you want the option of not settling, you are going to need to actively look. And all that said, I’d reconsider the bio urge to have a kid and think about whether you’d be happy without one and really explore what that life looks like. Sometimes things don’t turn out the way you planned and it’s a million times better.

      • January

        I only agree with some of this – sometimes things don’t turn out the way you planned, and that’s ok, too. I would only suggest dating aggressively without taking “breaks” if you think that’s likely to make you happy or help you feel like you are progressing towards your goals (or maybe dreams is a better word than goals). Finding a life partner isn’t a perfect analogy to training for a marathon, but even if it were, most training schedules have you pace yourself.

        Good luck to the OP, though – I’m 31 and feel much the way you do.

  12. Anonymous

    My BFF’s 30th birthday is coming up soon & her wedding is a few months away and I know she’s super stressed out with wedding planning, so I want to get her a birthday present that will help with the stress. Suggestions? She’s not super girly and doesn’t really get mani/pedis and I’ve never known her to get a massage (although I think she may think it’s too expensive and might enjoy one if it were gifted, but I don’t really know). Ideally in the $50 range and definitely not more than $100 since I’m also spending a ton on her wedding.

    • NYCpg

      Drybar certificate? (Or some similar blow out place?) I don’t like mani/pedis but find drybar nice and relaxing! Plus useful if she has any pre-wedding events still to come.

      • Care

        +1 I would have loved this for the pre-wedding events that I wanted to look my best at, but didn’t want to add another thing to the overall cost. Even if most of the pre-wedding things have passed, I would have enjoyed this for the day of the rehearsal. I’m not super-girly either, which is part of the reason I love having someone else take care of styling my hair. I feel more confident and I don’t have to stress about it.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      What about helping her with wedding things one day and then taking her out for dinner and drinks? That way she will be productive, less stressed, and then get to spend quality time with her Bestie after. The equivalent of a massage or mani/pedi only relaxes you temporarily.

      • Anonymous

        Should say I live across the country now :( When we were in the same area, we always treated each other to dinner out on our birthdays, which is part of why I’m having such a hard time coming up with a gift.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Pay for a cleaner to come! If she is stressed about the wedding not having to think about house cleaning would be amazing. Especially if she can choose when to use it – so she could use it right before the wedding.

  13. Way anon

    The head of my practice group is leaving for another firm. He has asked the group, including me, to move with him. I don’t like working with him and don’t want to leave my firm. Most of my work doesn’t come from him anymore because he hasn’t had any work for a long time. My concern is that he’s a vindictive person and I’m worried what he’ll do if I tell him I don’t want to move with him. Should I pretend to go along with the move and pull out at the last minute? Or just be up front? Thanks, all.

    • Tunnel

      Put on your big girl panties and tell him that you are not interested in leaving the firm that you are currently with. There are a ton of reasons you can give (whether real or fake), like job security, your secretary, colleagues, clients, etc. Your idea of pretending to go along with the move and pulling out the last minute is a horrible, horrible idea that guarantees outrage by someone you have described as vindictive.

      • mascot

        +1. He’s leaving, right? What can he do to you? If he starts to badmouth for not moving, that will come across as sour grapes.

        • Anon for this

          This. If you are interested in the firm he is joining, it’s fair to investigate whether it’s for you – whether that be just in speaking with this partner, or whether it’s speaking with people there – but if you know you are not interested, then simply tell him that. Be smart in what you tell him, but if that burns a bridge? Well, that guys worse than you describe. Pulling out at the last minute would be terrible for your relationship with the partner leaving and likely with your own current firm.

        • OP

          I should’ve said, he WANTS to leave and is in serious discussions (he says) with some firms, but nothing is set in stone. He’s been trying to leave for years and nothing’s come of it. So I’m concerned about having to continue to work with him until he finds something else. I’m definitely receptive to these comments, just not sure if that would change anyone’s analysis?

          • Anonymous

            This all seems incredibly odd to me. At my former firm, people usually left very suddenly with no one (or at most a couple of trusted colleagues) knowing. Often people didn’t find out where they had gone until after the fact. People never talked openly about looking to move, especially partners who intended to take associates. Multiple partners attempted to poach me, but always after they had left and started at the new place.
            I don’t disagree with the advice that others gave that you should be open at upfront & politely decline, say you are happy with your current situation, etc., but you should know this guy’s behavior is extremely not normal (which is another reason not to follow him).

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            Since he hasn’t even identified a destination firm yet, and doesn’t have anything set, I think it’s fine to “string him along” a little – don’t explicitly commit, but you could definitely say something like “I’d definitely consider it” or “It depends on the firm” or similar to stay on his good side until he has a firm end-date. Then when he’s definitely going out the door, you could go with “after careful thought, I can’t move at this time” blah blah blah etc.

          • Anonymous

            Okay, so he’s flagrantly breaching his fiduciary duties to his partners by having these conversations with you before giving notice to the firm. What a douche. As for what you should do- follow KKH’s advice.

    • Anon

      Definitely be honest upfront that you have no intention of leaving your current firm. Even just, “I’m happy here and I think it’s a good fit” as your reason would be fine, I think.

      • Anonymous Associate

        I agree. You can give an honest reason without having to state all ALL the reasons. It also doesn’t seem like staying would be detrimental to your career, since it looks like there is more than one partner in your group that you can get enough work from. (And you seem to like working with them.)

        FWIW, I left a firm because I felt trapped in a group with only one partner who I didn’t really like working with because he was passive aggressive, had unreasonable face time requirements, was volatile, and had a God-complex that everyone in the group bought into except me. He also didn’t have very much work, but continuously told me my hours were too low. So I sort of feel where you are coming from.

  14. academia anon

    I’ve recently transitioned from practicing law to a position in academia. I have struggled with imposter syndrome in the past, but I think with my outward show of never-ending confidence, people can’t really tell. Everyone here keeps showering me with compliments and praise for how smart I am and how great my work is. Thanking people for their compliments has never been difficult for me. But the thing is, I’m SO new that I have no idea what they’re basing these compliments on. And I just transitioned from a completely different career.

    It kind of weirds me out, but also worries me that there is some reason behind the way they’re treating me. Like this is actually a horrible job and they’re trying to keep the sucker who accepted (that sucker would be me, just to be clear).

    I don’t know if this is just the imposter syndrome taking over or my innate distrust of strangers/skepticism. I’m also feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety to be as awesome as everyone seems to think I am. Any advice or thoughts?

    ps I also feel a bit annoyed with myself for complaining about compliments. what?

    • Cream Tea

      I could be making this up, but in my view (and experience) academia is a much more hand-holding-good-for-you environment, rather than the cut and dry feedback one might receive in a law firm. And I mean that in a good way. Perhaps you just aren’t used to this type of work culture.

    • NOLA

      Maybe it’s just that people in your new academic workplace are just more welcoming and appreciative and less competitive than you are used to.?

        • NOLA

          Thanks, Cream Tea. I’ve been in academia for 25 years and it’s not all a bed of roses but generally a lot better than most work environments!

    • LSC

      You could be me! I am in the same boat and never know how to respond when people send nice emails about my work or forward my projects on to others with positive remarks. It is so weird. But I agree, I think academia is just a different, more fluffy environment than law. Best of luck!

  15. Travel advice?

    My husband and I would like to go away for 5-6 days the first week in March and I’d love suggestions on where to go. We’re more into visiting cities and going hiking than laying on the beach, and we’d like to go somewhere abroad. I am a much more adventurous traveler than he is, and my goal (which he knows) is to make each trip awesome enough that he’s willing to be pushed a little further the next time, without making him so uncomfortable with the foreign-ness that he doesn’t enjoy it. Our honeymoon to the Amalfi Coast was perfect, but we’re hoping to do something besides France or Italy this time. We’re in the Northeast and would prefer the flight to be 7-8 hours or fewer, since the time we’ll be away is relatively short.

    Any thoughts on destinations where the weather will be decent that time of year and that would be fun for both of us? Amsterdam? Buenos Aires? (that one might be a stretch for him, but I’m dying to go—how adventurous must one be to enjoy it?)

    The other wrinkle is that I will hopefully be pregnant by that time (unless I get pregnant this month or next, our first round of IVF will be in mid-January). So we’d want to be somewhere with a decent health care infrastructure—we’ve lost a few pregnancies this year, so we’re pretty realistic about what can go wrong, but we don’t want to shut our lives down and stay home in fear the entire pregnancy when it does eventually stick…and given our past year, we really need this vacation.

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Buenos Aires, the city itself, doesn’t require much of an adventurous spirit. It’s kind of like Italy, but with more dogs and the tango, and everyone wears uglier shoes. If you are trying to be pregnant though, you won’t be able to drink all the wine – a main highlight of Argentina – but you could probably go to Brazil or Uruguay on the same trip to see some waterfall or some other cities. Honestly you’d probably be bored staying in the city the whole time. Also, it is a longer flight than 8 hours if you’re in the US in the Northeast.

    • Sydney Bristow

      We went to Germany in April a few years ago. I loved it and it exceeded all of my expectations. We briefly stopped in Cologne, which I’d love to go back and explore someday, then took the train up the Rhine. The small towns were so cute to explore and there were some hikes up to castles that you could visit, which is the best reason to hike, in my opinion

      • Runner 5

        Another vote for Germany. Amazing food, gorgeous views, and access to good health care should you need it.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re up for the cold weather, Iceland would be perfect – phenomenal healthcare and a short flight from the east coast. You can see the Northern Lights at that time of year. There’s a city, but also a lot of more “adventure”-y stuff. I also love Krakow, Budapest, and Barcelona, but I’d personally be a bit hesitant about going there while pregnant, not because they don’t have good health care but because I would be out of my comfort zone with the language barrier.

    • PJ

      I highly recommend Ireland if you haven’t been there. Fly into Dublin and take a day trip up to the Giant’s Causeway in County Antrim.

      • Jules

        Did this a few years ago; loved Dublin and the Giant’s Causeway/Glens of Antrim trip was amazing, up there with Big Sur on my list of most spectacular sights. We did a bus tour for that trip, about which both DH and teenage son were skeptical at first but it was definitely the way to go, less stressful than trying to drive the winding roads and a better opportunity to enjoy the views.

    • AIMS

      Ireland could be fun and is not a bad flight from the NE. April should be relatively warm, and you can have your fair share of hikes and city experiences. Just don’t book your flight over St. Patrick’s Day. Health care would likely not be a problem.

      March is a good time to go to Costa Rica and it’s a relatively short trip to make, but not sure if that’s too adventurous for your husband – really, it’s very well traveled and shouldn’t be an issue. Not sure about health care.

      Personally, I think Amsterdam is more fun in the warmer months but if you don’t mind some cold, wind and rain, it’s a fantastic city to visit. BA is a long trip.

    • Anon

      This is me and my husband. We’ve done similar hiking/city trips in a few places, but our absolute favorite is Spain. There are several ways to do this, but you can do a few days in the south of Spain and fly to Barcelona or just use Barcelona as a base and do day hikes a few days around there and then a few days in the city.

  16. Rose

    Any suggestions on how to stay engaged when you are ready to move on from your job? I’ve been with the company, though not in the same position for 12 years, we underwent some sucky restructuring over the summer and I just don’t feel as committed to the company as I may have been in the past.

    I’m actively looking but realize it may take a while. Thoughts on how not to let it effect my performance too much? I’m ratcheting it down from 120% to closer to 100% but worry about slipping further.

    • Anon

      Wow! Twelve years is a long time. You are probably fine, if you are still working at a level of 100 percent, as you say. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself. But I’ll share some thoughts from the perspective of someone who was recently laid off, in case that’s at all helpful.

      After I lost my job, not having health insurance and having to figure out unemployment and explain my non-job status to people in so many different conversations was hard, along with the financial uncertainty. Perhaps you can make a list of the good things about having a job, even if they seem like a given for you now? Having a sense of community, purpose, belonging, even if that is just having a place to go to every day where you are needed for something. Steady income. The list goes on. Noticing these things might help you be more motivated.

      Also, when I was frantically job searching, I regretted not taking more opportunities at my previous job. I could have advocated for myself more and asked to take on more projects that would have made my resume more diversified. I could have built more solid relationships with people in other departments and asked to learn their processes and get an understanding beyond my specific role. See if you can identify any areas that you could strengthen while you are at this job and set goals for yourself.

      • Rose

        Thank you! This is very helpful. The company has been pretty great to me, they paid part for undergrad and grad school with no strings attached.

        I’m just ready. But I am trying to take advantage of any opportunities that exist to get extra training, diversified, etc.

  17. Lavender

    Woman making the first move — good idea or bad? And by first move, I don’t mean asking someone out on a full-flung date — perhaps just initiating contact (outside of whatever realm you’ve met the person in)?

    • January

      I don’t always do it, but honestly, I don’t see the harm. If the guy’s not into you because you made the first move, then he wasn’t likely going to be into you anyway.

    • Anonymous

      Good idea. If a guy doesn’t appreciate you making the first move, he isn’t worth it. P.s. I met my husband by making the first move.

    • Anonymous

      Terrible idea. Do NOT do it. He is not interested, otherwise he would have made the first step already.

      • Anonymous

        I disagree. Some men are less assertive or don’t make a move because they think you aren’t interested.

      • Anonymous

        But who is interested in “less assertive” men who are “too shy to ask”?

        • Anonymous

          Plenty of people. Amazingly enough, not everyone wants the same thing out of a guy.

          • heatherskib

            +1 Besides, the easier a guy finds it to ask out women, the easier a guy finds it to ask out women… If you get my drift.

    • Anon

      +1 Besides, the easier a guy finds it to ask out women, the easier a guy finds it to ask out women… If you get my drift.

    • Anonymous

      I honestly wish we were at the point (presuming this asker is located in the United States) where this would not be a question anymore. No offense meant personally, but it makes me sad that we still see biological sex as a determining factor in whether we should take an action for which biological sex has no bearing on our ability.

      • Lavender

        Oh, I agree. It’s why I’m asking actually…My friends’ opinions were becoming a bit of a downer and I wanted to know if this is really how everyone thinks.

        • Anonymous

          Okay, now I’m relieved that someone on here agrees with me–it is frustrating and sad that this is still an issue or even a question.

          I do understand that there are many situations in which women decide to compromise their first instinct because of concern about how they may be perceived (e.g., in business, in the legal profession, unfortunately the social arena is not immune since we live in the real world), so I am not unrealistic.

          But if someone discounts you / is not interested in you because you expressed an interest in him and suggested conversing outside of whatever realm you’ve met him in (thank you for the wording, Lavender), than why in the world would you want him in your life at potentially a very intimate level (if one is seeking a partner)?
          That would seem right off the bat to disqualify him as someone you could be yourself with, as someone you could be emotionally intimate with, so….asking him out and him turning you down because you asked him out would have worked in terms of the weeding out process?

          I don’t have patience for these sorts of games in my personal life. If someone needs to play by “The Rules”, they are not a match for me.

          • Anonymous

            not
            “than why in the world would you want him in your life at potentially a very intimate level (if one is seeking a partner)?”

            not “than” but “then”
            also missing the option to edit…

  18. Anniversary gift

    How can it be that after only six years I have no idea what to get my husband for our anniversary??? Please help with some gift suggestions.

    He’s tricky to buy for b/c he’s not really into ‘things’ – his non materialism is something I value about him, but it does make holidays tough. And, he buys what he wants – like a new book or gadget – for himself. He’s not a big drinker, so fancy booze doesn’t seem right. No (current) hobbies for which he needs a lot of gear (we have a small child and two demanding careers, so there’s not time for that much else). Help!

    • Coach Laura

      I got my husband a nice watch when our daughter was born. Yesterday it broke (she’s 24). Even if he doesn’t wear it often, it would be a nice momento of the anniversary.

    • Anonymous

      We are huge fans of experience gifts, concert tickets, sports events, theater, whatever you guys are into.

    • Scarlett

      Weekend away is my go-to. Cute bed and breakfast, dinner in town, spend time together.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes. My former husband and I had an anniversary tradition for a while where we’d stay in a local-ish b&b, have a nice dinner, and then do the next day at some cultural thing. Like, overnight in Santa Monica then do the Getty Villa. Or overnight in Pasadena and do the Huntington Library and Gardens.

  19. cbackson

    I had to put my fairly newly adopted rescue pup to sleep a week ago after learning he had an incurable and fatal health problem that hadn’t been diagnosed at the shelter. He was my first dog and…I just miss him enormously. I feel like I can’t talk about it because I only had him for a month but I just loved him so, so much. I know that there was nothing else I could do – the vet was clear that there was no option – and yet I still feel a huge amount of guilt and I’m SO sad. Pet owners: is this normal?

    • Anonymous

      I am so sorry for your loss! It is so hard to lose a pet. I’ve had pets my entire life, and each loss was like losing a beloved family member. Don’t feel guilty- I’m sure you gave that pup the best month of his life!

    • Aurora

      I am SO so sorry for your loss and yes, grieving is very very normal. It doesn’t matter that it was only for a month. My mom went through something similar with her first rescue cat and she still has his ID tag hanging on the mantel as a reminder, and even now 25 years later she won’t adopt another orange tabby because it makes her too sad.

      Losing a pet after any amount of time is heartbreaking. It’s ok to both logically know you did the kindest thing and emotionally wish things could have turned differently.

      I don’t know if this helps, but I liked the sweet sentiment: my mom says her first tabby cat had to go so quickly so all her future pets could have a guardian angel – maybe your dog is in heaven looking down on you, too.

      • cbackson

        It does help – thank you. It’s funny, but I feel that same way – like he taught me how much I could love a dog and opened my heart for my future little dog buddies. Honestly, I am not a sentimental person AT ALL but I still feel very much like he’s with me.

    • Bonnie

      So sorry cbackson. Dogs quickly wiggle their way into our hearts with their unconditional love. It is normal that you’d be grieving for your loss. Hugs.

    • Marla

      I wanted to say I’m sorry you lost your family member. I hope you can find solace in the fact he got the intense love he deserved during his final days. I read something once that being a pet parent means you will lose your best friend again and again throughout your life and have to experience that grief. Ultimately is it worth it? I think so. But darn it is it ever horribly difficult. Thinking of you.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so, so sorry for loss. It is absolutely normal to be devastated. I felt like my dog was a member of my family within a day or so of getting her, and would have been heartbroken in your situation. (And not that it matters, because you grieve how you grieve and whether grief is “allowed” shouldn’t matter, but I think it’s actually much more understandable to be devastated over the tragic loss of a young animal you only had a month with versus the death of a pet from old age after a long happy life). Your pup was so lucky to have had you and I’m sure you made his last month of life wonderful.

    • espresso bean

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Your feelings sound totally normal and understandable.

      While I’ve never had a pet, I was amazed at how much love I could feel for friends’ dogs I just watched for a weekend. A month is plenty of time for a pup to make a big impression on you. Grieve however feels right to you — there is no right or wrong way to grieve about something like this. Your pup was lucky to have had you for an owner.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please know though you made a world of difference for that dog. I volunteer at a local shelter and we have an animal hospice program. We are a no kill shelter and we don’t want to see any animal spend their final days in a cage or kennel. If an animal has an incurable disease but isn’t suffering, one of our hospice volunteers will take him or her in until it is time to say goodbye. I don’t think I could ever emotionally handle being one of those volunteers but I have so much respect for what they do. They want every animal to feel the love of living in a home and being part of a family. You were able to give that to your dog. It is so very sucky that you didn’t sign up to be a hospice parent but that is essentially what happened and your dog’s life was so much better for it. *tears*

      PS: It is totally normal to be broken. I get broken up over internet friend’s animals I never met!

      • cbackson

        Everyone has had such kind things to say, and I’m so grateful for all of them – I just wanted to respond directly to this one because I really helps me to hear that you and your fellow volunteers feel like those last few days make a difference. I have been trying to tell myself that his last few memories were of happy days in which he was relentlessly spoiled (you want more cheese? MORE CHEESE!) and that just giving him that is worth something…but it helps to hear that other people feel that way. Thank you, so much.

    • Another anonymous judge

      Oh, cbackson, I am so, so sorry for you. Dogs are wonderful little souls and their history with us means that we can’t help but fall truly in love with them. I don’t believe it is sentiment – it really is love. They are one of the few, perhaps only, creatures that can read and respond to true human emotion. Your reaction is a completely normal response to a dreadfully sad and unfair situation. I am so glad for that little puppy that his last days were being “your dog”. I am sure there will be lots of room in your heart for other doggies, but this one will always have his special corner. Be good to yourself and try to take some comfort from being the light in the life of another creature who truly appreciated it. Will keep you in my thoughts.

    • Anonymous Poser

      I am very sorry for your loss. I had my first dog only recently as well, and she meant so much to me. I’m not a volunteer like Blonde Lawyer is, but I want to pitch in and agree with her. You gave your rescue pup a good life in the short time you were together. I hope your feeling(s) of guilt lift soon, if it has not already done so.

  20. Anonymous

    What is the best way to take a small amount of salad dressing to work? I have the humangear small bottles, and they are spill proof, but still a little too big and I can’t quite seem to get everything out of them without cleaning them which is wasteful.

  21. Freaking Out

    My HR just told me that due to (yet another) restructuring, my function is reorganising. In short, my job no longer exists. I have a job interview coming up in 3 days, but this news were so sudden, my brain is freezing.
    It’s a second round of case interviews with a management consulting company. I can’t even pick up a casebook to practice.. I had the news Friday and I am just freaking out, can’t think of anything to calm down and focus on preparing my interview.
    I haven’t even started looking for jobs, that interview was just random (they contacted me and I went for it).
    Help, any tips to get my sanity back?

    • hmmmm.....

      Well, this is a bit of a shock. But what an amazing opportunity…. Sounds like you were secretly itching for a move, and here’s an interview that you weren’t even that serious about now at the perfect time. You have already made it to the second round, without even trying. Nice job!

      It’s Sunday. Go outside and take a walk. In the sun. Breathe. Do whatever helps you relax…… Have a wonderful, tasty brunch. Maybe take a little nap.

      And then, sit down and try to do some prep. Not too long. Maybe just an hour. You can do it! Think of this interview as a practice one anyway, since you weren’t really thinking that this was the perfect job before Friday anyway, right? You have time. It is rare that the first opportunity is the right one anyway.

      You were always sane, so fortunately you don’t need to get that back. You just need to breathe.

      Ready. Set. Let’s go….

    • heatherskib

      It is what it is. You’re already interviewing, which puts you at an advantage. Find out the details are of the restructuring: How long before everything is finalized? Can you interview freely if there’s time before the end? Do you have any severance pay or benefits coming your way? What are the payout options for your leave? If you have a retirement plan through your employer how do you access it to transfer or liquidate the assets? Who will write letters of recommendation for you? Rewrite your resume, update Linked In and start networking.

      Outside of the office, Plan for the worst. This may seem pessimistic, but it really allows you to see how much better off you are then you thought you were!

      Look into unemployment benefits. How do you apply and maintain eligibility? How much are you eligible for and for how long? What other social benefits can you apply for if you need them? If it’s you alone, or if you are a single parent on paper you’re likely eligible for food stamps and other social services that can keep you afloat if it takes time to get a new position. Otherwise, it depends on what your spouse makes.

      Evaluate your budget: What expenditures can you eliminate or reduce to maximize the longevity of your savings? How can you maximize cash flow if you need to? What assets can be sold to increase cash flow? What are some activities you can do to bring in cash if needed?

      This may seem I’m being overly harsh, but I find that being able to plan helps me through things like this. My husband’s been laid off twice, and after a LONG time in the public sector with Republican governors, I’ve seen a fair number of reorgs that have cut swaths of staff members.

      Ultimately, it’s a job. Being unemployed is not the end of your life. As long as you don’t give up, it’s also only a temporary situation. Be strong!

    • Anonymous Poser

      Some sort of physical activity could help you get your mind out of a loop–maybe yoga or an intense workout? Or maybe an intense workout followed by yoga?

    • Mgmt consultant

      There are sample cases you should be able to get online. One of the big three (I think it was BCG) had sample practice ones on their recruiting website. Also just google. Anything you can practice on will be good!

  22. Olya

    Hi everyone,
    I’m curious if anyone in NYC wants to have a mini meetup around Nov 11/12/13? I’m in town for work that week (from Toronto).

    Cheers!

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