This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
Oooh: after a few sky-high sandals, I thought I'd feature this pretty, low wedge sandal, which looks lovely, flattering (love that dip in the front!) AND walkable. I like the summer suede options the best (blue, pictured, and coral), but the patent leather options (black, beige, and white) are nice too. They're $89, available in sizes 6-11 in medium and wide widths — and they're still eligible for triple points at Nordstrom (through May 8). Söfft ‘Innis' Low Wedge Sandal
Amazon also has the shoe in “Baywater,” a tan suede, as does Zappos (in medium and wide widths).
(L-4)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Senior Attorney
That’s a cute sandal!
Travel question: Lovely Fiance and I will be in Seoul, South Korea, for a few days at the end of this month. We’ll be attending the Rotary International Convention but will have plenty of free time during the day as the events we’re going to are mostly in the evenings. We already have plans to visit the DMZ — what else should we not miss? LF would like to do some kind of architectural walking tour — any leads on such a thing? Anything else awesome? Inquiring minds want to know!
Anonymous
The palace with the “secret garden!” Was there many years ago and loved it. if you have time to go to the country side and hike a mountain, that’s awesome too. If you really want off the beaten path, Google “p3nis park”. Worth the trip.
Senior Attorney
Oh. My. Gawd.
That is awesome…
Baconpancakes
WAT
KA
Changduckgoong – (Changdok Palace) has the secret garden (Biwon); you may need to reserve tickets in advance because they started limiting entry.
next to Chandukgoong is Kyungbokgoong which is the larger palace and also great. there’s a museum connected to it as well.
If it’s your first visit, the Namsan tower is the view point from which you can see the city laid out, and there is a folk village at the base.
I would try to go to the bathhouse/spa since it’s pretty inexpensive and awesome.
Check out garosu gil, http://english.visitkorea.or.kr/enu/SH/whereToShop/whereToShop.jsp?action=about&cid=995829
I also enjoyed http://english.visitkorea.or.kr/enu/SH/whereToShop/whereToShop.jsp?action=about&cid=995817 which is a more traditional neighborhood in the heart of seoul which now has a village-y/soho vibe. There is a LYS there, and a random US Postal box hanging out with a plastic cow. But I digress.
One of my other favorite things to do is walk Chungyechon, the small stream that used to be a major water source for the old city of seoul, then after the war, it got polluted so they dumped landfill in it and covered it over, and it was restored in the early 2000s and it’s now an awesome little nature walk in the heart of the city.
If you feel like hiking there is hiking pretty close by and accessible via the subway system. The subway system is easy and convenient and clean. With english announcements. Cabs circa 2014 were still cheap and convenient but I’m not sure how it would be with just English, but if you’re going to a specific site or location, it’s not bad.
Geography/location is usually done by proximity to a subway station or landmark (eg. “X restaurant is located half a block from Exit 9 of Ewha University station”), not 200 Fifth Avenue.
I hope you have a blast!
Senior Attorney
Oh, thank you so much for all of this!!
anin
I’ve never been but my husband highly recommends the War Memorial.
emeralds
I’ve heard from a lot of people that the War Memorial is an absolute must, even though it’s emotionally challenging.
HEllen
Secret garden (Bi-Won)
The HO-AM art center is nice
DMZ (just make sure you have the proper clearances)
The shopping is great/insane. The dept stores are awesome and be sure to stop by a few Korean Makeup skincare stores to pickup some fun stuff like face masks, snail skin care etc.
one def evening thing to do is go to an intimate jazz café –
Cream Tea
Senior Attorney, just wanted to say congratulations on your engagement!
Senior Attorney
Aw, thanks! :)
Ellen
Yay! Open Thread’s! I LOVE OPEN Thread’s and these sandal’s! Mabye I will buy them for when I go out to the manageing partner’s house in the Hampton’s with my new BLUE Bikini that He is subsidizeing! YAY!!!
I am having a littel difficulty finding men to date me. I wondered if the HIVE has any tips for finding ELIGIBEL men who have marrage and family on their minds. What is NEEDED to attract and retain such men? So far all I have come up with are LOOSERS! If there is something I am missing, perhaps the women in the HIVE who have been able to land such sucessful men can help the rest of us. We promise we will ONLEY try to snare eligibel bactchelor’s, NOT married men. To many women who are anxious to marry go after married men, but that is STRICTLEY Verboten in my book. HELP!!!!!
Marie
Spread em!
Dolce Vita
Ankles behind my ears is how I got my man! I was probably more flexible than Gumby in bed and my husband appreciates it to this day.
Anonymous
Needed some networking event help. Considering attending a networking event next week in a specialized legal space (think tax or environmental or the like). I’m 10 yrs out of law school. Worked at a NYC firm for 8 of those yrs, spending half my time in that legal space and half in complex commercial litigation. After that didn’t make partner, had to leave, was unemployed, and landed in a totally unrelated gov’t gig (though still financial work) in a smaller city. I want to go to this event as I’d like to see where practitioners in this space do in this smaller city – unlike NYC there aren’t large firms with huge practice groups in this space.
I’m just bad at this kind of event and need some tips. Part of me feels like people will act like – I’m talking to my co-counsel from x competing firm, why are you even here. Or they’ll hear gov’t and not be interested in talking to me. At least that’s how people used to act in NYC.
I don’t want to come across desperate but I’d love to be able to practice in this space again. I don’t have high hopes for this event, but would love to leave having connected with 1 practitioner who I can have coffee with down the road. Tips? I feel like some people are so charismatic at these things and I end up standing alone or talking to junior associates (who I don’t mind talking to but a 2nd yr isn’t always a good source of insight re industry related issues simply bc they haven’t been around long enough).
Anonymous
I’ve made some of my best professional contacts by simply having the courage to say, “Hi, is this seat taken?” Go sit next to someone instead of by yourself. Start chatting. “Oh, I practiced in this area for years. I’m at X now, but I miss this field so much, I thought it’d be fun to come see what the latest is.”
And I’m about 99% sure people in your small city will be more welcoming than at a biglaw event in NYC with biglaw egos running around.
Go make friends! :)
Anonymous
I agree with all of this. I think you’re overthinking it!
Anon
I am in a small city market (adjacent to a big city market) and in a very specialiazed field. I am the WORST at networking, but I swear these events are actually enjoyable. Everyone is so friendly and talkative and welcoming to everyone – gov’t, in-house, firm, tangentially-related specialists, etc. Go! You may find you have a great time and are welcomed with open arms!
Best Coast
Agree that most people will welcome conversation- that’s what they are there for, too! I like to keep a couple of basic openers handy for when you’re waiting in line for a drink, or after grabbing a seat. “Have you belonged to [this group] long?” “Are you originally from town X?” “This is my first event with [this group]. Have you been to many before?” Then once you get talking with someone, you can ask them about their practice, tell them what you’ve been doing, and (if appropriate) tell them what you’re looking/hoping to practice in the future. Trust me, most people there are going to be just as nervous as you are. Good luck!
Nylon girl
Hi! I just checked out the book The Art of Mingling for network help. Haven’t started reading it yet, and hoping it has some good tips. Good luck and don’t worry… Networking is uncomfortable but you can do it. :-)
Rainy day anon
This is a long shot, but does anyone have recommendations for therapists in the DC area (NoVa in particular) that specialize in adult ADD issues? Skilled life coach recommendations would be great as well — we’d love to find someone who can provide concrete, practical approaches for managing life issues associated with ADD.
And on a related note, any thoughts on average per session therapy costs (for this area?) We’ll be paying out of pocket, and one of the first quotes we got was $250 for an initial 1-hr session and then $190 for 25-minute follow-up sessions. The first session quote seemed reasonable, but the follow up session prices seemed high given how short they were — is this average?
Thank you in advance for any recommendations!
Anon
Don’t know about ADD specifically, but my therapist, in central D.C., who I like very much, charges $150 per hour. No extra charge for an initial session.
Anonymous
I can’t speak to ADD, but my NoVA therapist is $225 for the 90 minute intro session and $140 for weekly 50 minute sessions.
Rainy day anon
Thanks! The pricing info is very helpful, and that sounds like more what we were thinking. Would either of you mind posting the names of your therapists? If we don’t find anyone that focuses on ADD, we’ll definitely reach out to any other recommendations that folks have.
Anon for this
I highly, highly suggest Dr. Errol Segall in Fairfax. He is absolutely fantastic. He is a psychiatrist, so I’m not 100% sure that’s what you’re looking for (and I can’t speak to his billing rates because my insurance covers all), but as an adult with severe ADD and anxiety/depression issues, he has been so wonderful. He’s also super flexible with scheduling appointments, which is a huge plus for me since I work in Big Law and can be hard to get away before 5:30 when most Dr offices close.
Rainy day anon
Thank you!! He seems great, and very convenient. Thank you again!
Anon
Curious as to why you’re paying out of pocket. Due to Obamacare, insurance companies have to provide mental health benefits that track physical Heath benefits. It’s been my experience that many practitioners take ins now.
rock
Because it pprovides your employer with the information that you’re seeking mental health care. Something not everybody are comfortable with.
Rainy day anon
Yeah, it’s somewhat complicated, but basically what Rock said.
Penny
I have a great therapist in downtown DC. Her name is Karen Osterle and she charges $160 per session. I also have an AMAZING life coach. Her name is Denen Boyce. Her website is http://www.be3coaching.com
She will work with you to put together a package that fits your needs and your budget. She also offers a free sample session. She was a lawyer before starting her coaching business.
Rainy day anon
Super helpful — thank you!!
anon
That seems very high for the DC area. Check out psychologytoday.com and look for people in the area you want that specialize in ADD.
Anon
I’ve been laid up with a virus and have been watching some junk TV. I know there are a lot of attorneys on here so you’ve probably discussed the show Suits.
I’m kind of hooked but I’m also offended by how women are portrayed. They’re smart but they wear incredibly tight clothing, and it seems most of their decisions are driven by whom they’re crushing on.
Thoughts?
Pretty Primadonna
I like the show and really love the fashion, in a this-is-unrealistic-for-any-professional-office kind of way; that doesn’t offend me. If I could wearsome of the things Jessica wears to work, I’d be in fashion heaven.
I never considered how their decisions are driven by whom they’re crushing on, except with regard to Rachel, my least favorite character on the show. All told, every character on Suits is unscrupulous, and I’m here for it!
Ellen
I agree with the OP, but trust me, as an attorney / litiegator who practice’s law in NYC, I am required by my law firm to please the manageing partner at my firm, and to dress just the way he tell’s me to, primariley in order to please the court that I have most of my cases in front of. This is how we win cases, which get’s us more cases. While some peeople tell me that I kow-tow to the men by dressing VERY fashioneably and sometime’s with clotheing that is also very sexy, I need to keep my paycheck to maintain my lifestyele, so I do NOT mind doeing it. I just wish that all of my work to look good would pay dividend’s in my personal world, b/c being fashionable and cute has NOT gotten me a serius boyfreind since Alan Sheketovits (who turned out to be a looser). Dad want’s me to parlay my JD and NY Bar Status and good job and cuteness into a guy who will MARRY me and start a family, but now that I am 35, my HORIZON is getting short. The guy’s I do find just want to have fun, meaning NOT doeing anything more then haveing s*x with me, then walking out the door. FOOEY on men like this! THEY are the ones that are UNSCRUPULOUS! FOOEY! Women like us have to be VERY carful that we do NOT pick up comunicable disease’s from men who sampel different women every weekend, then move on to the next woman. Grandma Leyeh says NOT to worry, but Grandma Trudy says that all I will have to show for myself is a mussed up bed and linen’s that need to be washed, if NOT thrown out.
Shopaholic
Hmm I don’t know. I actually think the way lawyers and the practice of law is portrayed is more offensive than how the women are betrayed. I actually don’t agree with your assessment – Jessica is a bad*ss and she’s definitely not making decisions based on who she is crushing on.
Maybe you haven’t made it too far into the show run?
anon
This. Not only is the legal world they operate in completely absurd, but the amount of backstabing and lack of integrity shown by the lawyers is not reflective at all of what I see in the profession.
Also agree that Jessica is a badass and Rachel is two-dimensional and basically a prop.
Op
Ok yes Jessica is a bad ass though she did behave unprofessionally when the case involved her ex husband and his new woman. Her wardrobe is gorgeous but I can’t see an actual high powered woman wearing all those tight dresses and never a blazer or jacket.
Donna was my favorite but she got involved with the sleazy guy from U and it messed up her judgment. The supposedly best in the business atty from London (Scotty) can’t lawyer & makes stupid career decisions around the main character because she is in love with him. The lawyer who was sleeping with the sleazy ex partner not only no longer has a career, but when they showed a flashback of her in the office (first season) she was wearing a slinky halter top while surrounded by men in suits. And don’t get me started on Rachel (gag) and ALL of her love struck bad decisions – and the tightest most inappropriate office wear on the show.
Yeah I agree it is silly and unrealistic on law, I’m not an attorney and even I get that, but you can’t say it’s kind to the female characters. It’s basically like a slasher movie – any girl who dares to have s3x is gonna end up dead.
Dahlia
Not a lawyer but I freakin’ love that show.
Mariah
Love Suits. About to graduate and go into public interest, so the firm stuff is just fun for me to watch instead of being offensive, and I adore Jessica (and Donna!!!). I agree that Jessica’a outfits are over the top, but I don’t have huge problems with Donna’s. Rachel, ugh. Stop.
I do think the show could also be named “How To Get Disbarred in Ten Steps or Less,” or “The RPCs: What NOT to Do,” but I love it. The next season starts 2 weeks before the Bar. AURGH.
New Year Status Check
I’ve been looking at how I’m coming on my New Years goals…. How is everyone doing? I’m on track to read the books I wanted, and I booked a vacation so I’m feeling good there. Not doing so well in making regular time for myself outside of my job and mom time. Made progress on some financial goals but had a hiccup that I’m hoping to correct by the end of the year.
Anonymous
I’m still working out three times a week! This is by far the longest I’ve ever made it on any of my new year goals. The difference this year is that I started going to a local boutique gym in Topeka that does beat-focused spin classes. I honestly love it.
I also decided, after having two kids, that I was just going to give it a go for a while to see if I could get my abs back. I didn’t think I could but I thought, I’ll just do it for a little while, and then I’ll know for sure. And guess what — they’re back! Not the same, but they have definition. And now I feel so awesome that I can’t quit. I’m excited about pool season, and my s*x life has gotten better. I’m a happy camper!
Anonymous
Oh, I also took before and after pictures, which helped a ton. I had noticed I had firmed up and was feeling better, but I didn’t realize the extent of it. Seeing it in that way made SUCH a difference.
New Year Status Check
ok, that’s inspiring. I thought my abs were gone forever. you just motivated me.
Anonymous
I’m so glad! I just want to tell EVERYONE but I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. Now that I’m doing it, it is so worth it! Why have I not done this sooner??
And I just can’t recommend these new spin classes enough. They are hard, but they’re fun, and I honestly don’t feel like I’ve been killing myself for the amount I’ve improved. (To be fair, I also have improved my diet, but not too too much. Just going sorta low carb and not totally consistently, getting rid of cream in my coffee, stuff like that).
M
Okay on some, not great on others. I added to my schedule without subtracting anything, which left me with very little sleep and wasn’t sustainable. So, because of that, I’m behind on daily cleanings and early morning walks, but have kept up daily walks in the evening.
Runner 5
I’m doing pretty well actually! I haven’t achieved any of my quantifiable goals (finish specific books, etc) but my general ‘stay active and lose weight’ is going really well. I’ve managed to keep active and beat my own personal running records, and have just signed up for my first 10k this September!
Runner 5
Oh, and a few people have noticed I’ve lost a little padding, and I’ve noticed my clothes look better, so I’m really happy with my progress this far, especially as it’s been alongside the last semester of uni.
New Year Status Check
That’s fantastic! Congrats!
Senior Attorney
I’m doing decently well. My trainer challenged me to do 75 boot camp classes this year and I’m at 23, which is off target but not by enough that I can’t catch up. A little behind on “read a book a month,” but that’s okay. Doing well keeping closer track of the finances.
And now that I’m engaged I actually just went back yesterday and revised my goals to include wedding- and moving-related stuff!
SC
Are you supposed to tip your hair stylist’s assistant separately? My stylist’s assistant washes hair, sweeps up, and sometimes mixes some extra color. I always tip my stylist 20%, and I’ve always assumed that the assistants don’t expect tips or get tipped out by the stylists like bartenders and dishwashers do at restaurants.
CountC
I always tip the shampooer, usually $5. If he/she is doing more than just shampooing, I would probably add a few more bucks.
life
Yup, I also tip $5 for the person who shampoos my hair.
Bewitched
I tip 20% and assume my stylist will take care of her assistant. That said, my stylist owns the salon so “technically” I think it’s not required that I tip her at all (silly rule in my view)?
ace
This is what I do – but I go to a large, corporate salon.
As a practical matter, how do those who tip the shampoo person do so? I pay by credit card, so I add 20% onto each item (e.g., 20% for my colorist and 20% for the person who did my post-color blowout). The shampoo person is not listed on my bill and so I might have to palm her a fiver to tip her specifically. Is that what people do?
Thanks!
Senior Attorney
At my salon they have envelopes and a box for tips at the front desk. I put the cash in and write something like “Susie! Thanks! — Senior Attorney” on the envelope.
Senior Attorney
Failing that, I’d definitely just hand her the cash.
CountC
Yes, I always make sure I have a $5 with me and I walk back to the shampoo area and hand it to her. It’s common, so no one will look at you funny.
Anonymous
I leave it in the envelope at the counter. for those of you who tip the shampoo person $5, how much is that as a percentage of the cost of your service? I have been tipping more, and am trying to figure out if I am dumb or if I am tipping the right amount because my hair costs a fortune.
CountC
If there is a separate shampoo person, I tip them $5 no matter what my visit costs. I figure they get forgotten quite a bit and it’s no skin off my back to tip $5 versus a percentage of services that may turn out to be less than that.
Stormtrooper
My sister owns a salon/spa. She told me that its customary to tip the person who washes your hair. She said most people tip a couple bucks up to $5.
Senior Attorney
I tip the shampoo person $5, or $10 if he/she also does the blowout.
Bah humbug
I don’t tip for the shampoo and think tipping has gotten out of control.
Anonymous
My DH has been complaining lately that his coworker will be taking maternity leave shortly after starting with his company. He has expressed the opinion that it is inconsiderate for a woman to take a job and then take maternity leave within a year. This smacks of sexism to me, but I haven’t been able to articulately explain to him why I feel that way. I’d appreciate any help with understanding and explaining why I feel this way, or whether I’m missing something and this really isn’t a big issue. I think the main source of his frustration leading to his complaints is that he will likely be bearing the burden of additional work during her absence, as he works in a small department and the company probably will not be hiring an adequate temp replacement. I suggested that this is a result of a failure/problem with the company and how it handles leave, but he seems to want to “blame” his coworker for taking a job and then becoming pregnant within less than 6 months. Thanks in advance for any insight!
Anonymous
It’s sexism because if a man got his wife pregnant shortly after taking a new job, he wouldn’t have to take time off to PHYSICALLY recover from birth. Maternity leave isn’t just about bonding with baby, it’s that you are on short-term disability for 6 weeks at most companies. Also yes it is a problem with the company. They need to hire a temp if its really that much of a problem.
Killer Kitten Heels
This. It feels sexist because your husband’s logic puts a disproportionate burden on women – a man can get his partner pregnant any time, and your H has nothing to say about that (and sure, most new dads don’t take paternity leave, but have you met a new dad? We have two running around the office right now, and I honestly wish the firm would just give them paternity leave so they could just go home, because their usefulness here is, errr, (understandably) questionable). He’s basically saying that he believes that men can do whatever they want when it comes to reproductive choice, but women have to make their decisions around accommodating their workplace/male coworkers. That’s sexism.
Anony
My best rebuttal argument to my husband is that other health things will come up throughout the years that he may need to take advantage of short-term disability for and people will have to cover for them then. Plus, just like with pregnancy, there is no way to perfectly time (or even predict) when those things happen. I like to reference a guy I work with who was out for 15 weeks for a hip replacement – during which time a girl I work with went on maternity leave after he left and came back before he did.
Anon100
+1.
Frame it as maternity leave = medical leave, not vacation time.
Anonymous
The thing is, it’s not about timing. There is no “good” time to have a baby — any time will be “disruptive” to a business. And I agree, the company should hire a temp or at least have work flow re-distribution.
Anonymous
Not all pregnancies are planned and it takes a man to have an “oops” pregnancy just as much as it takes a woman – the difference is the man doesn’t have to take time off work to physically recover afterwards. Even assuming the pregnancy is planned, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going out on leave before a year is up. A lot of guys seem to think of maternity leave as something women “earn” the way all employees earn vacation time, and maybe taking a large chunk right at the beginning before you’ve earned it looks bad. But it’s really more akin to any other kind of medical leave, which at least at most companies is just a benefit that’s available whenever you need it, not something that’s earned. You don’t “get” to go take care of an elderly parent or take time off for surgery after 1+ year of service at the company, you do those things whenever you have to do them and the company provides you the necessary time off. Can he think of it like any other medical leave rather than comparing it to vacation or other time off that is banked?
Blonde Lawyer
+1. Everything I was going to say but better said. I think it is reasonable to acknowledge though that having a new employee take a leave (maternity, disability, what have you) early in their tenure is more disruptive than later.* If your husband is just venting to you like ugh… I’m going to have so much more work, then I don’t think you have to yell SEXISM. But if he is saying things the way you work it in your question, then this answer hits the nail on the head.
*Though many men will argue that having your appendix out isn’t a choice while having a baby is. And to that, the best response I’ve heard is we really don’t want to propagate our species with only women who don’t work, do we? And if the person is sexist, and would be happy with women staying home, they are likely classist too so you can then point out that under his policy, professional women will keep working and won’t be making babies and the next generation will be born of families relying on blue collar jobs or gov’t assistance. The only thing sexists fear more than women in the workplace is more “welfare moms.” When their mind explodes, roll your eyes, and walk away.
Anonymous
Hm, it’s understandable but unfortunate that your husband feels this way. I hope he can find a little empathy for the facts that timing a pregnancy is an imprecise endeavor, women deserve to make positive career moves irrespective of what is going on in their personal life, and the physical recovery from pregnancy and childbirth is very different from an elective vacation. And if not, he can thank his lucky stars that he was born a man and will never have to deal with his coworkers resenting him for daring to procreate.
Boston22
Also want to echo, as someone who has been TTC, you realize quickly that you have little control over these things. If I wait until I’m 3 months into a new job, that is even more time that it would take to successfully conceive a child. A lot of people don’t get pregnant immediately, and it really isn’t something you can plan perfectly. The whole process really s*cks for women honestly.
SFANON
+1 TTC for 12 months and eminently being promoted into a role that is commission only. I’ve rejected the promotion for 6 months hoping to become pregnant/have baby while salaried, and I can’t delay it any more or else the opportunity will pass. Watch me get preggo right after the promotion. I ask rhetorically, in the direction of your DH and anyone else who thinks women have choice in the matter…. what am I supposed to do?
Blonde Lawyer
You should talk to your employer about how they handle leave time in a commission only position. They usually have some kind of allowance for vacations and the like. Then you can ask whether that includes sick time and other leaves, like maternity, without sounding like you plan to get pregnant tomorrow. I have a lot of clients who are paid on commissions and I think the employer tends to look at your average commissions for the last 6 months or a year and pay you that much during your leave.
Delta Dawn
You asked for insight as to why you might feel it smacks of sexism– you feel that way because it is sexist. Additionally, could it be that you worry that he would have a similar attitude towards you? If he can “blame” his coworker for taking maternity leave, will he be able to blame you for slowing down when (if) you have a baby (if you are planning that in the future, or if you haven’t already)? You also might find it sexist that he continues to want to “blame” the coworker even after you pointed out that it’s the company’s fault for not hiring a proper temp; not the woman’s fault for having a child. Why would he reject that logic and insist on blaming the coworker anyway? That would bother me, too, in your shoes.
Do you and your DH have children? If he has been through this process with you, I would hope he would understand it better. It sounds like maybe he hasn’t been through this yet.
Confession Time
I used to feel the way he does and I felt that way because I firmly believed you don’t have to have kids and a lot less people should be having them. I didn’t think it was a big deal to choose between kids and a job. I realize I felt that way because I just have zero desire to have kids so I never understood why not having them would be such a big deal. Now that I have grown up and seen friends TTC and all that, I see that the majority of people don’t feel the way about children or lack there of than I do. Plus, as someone says above, someone has to have kids for the planet to survive.
Anonymous
For the species to survive,not the planet. Let’s be honest, given our track record, the planet would probably be better off without us.
Anonymous
He’d have to cover for her at any point, whether it’s 6 months after she’s first hired or 6 years. It’s part of his job. Sure, she may not have taken his needs into consideration – but how many people really think that much about how coworkers should fit into their plans to have children? Does he want her to have a meeting with him to discuss when the right time is to get pregnant? Even if it were somehow possible to get pregnant exactly when you want to, the bottom line is that pregnancy is a medical condition and it’s not unprofessional to take it, just like it’s not unprofessional to be out of the office if you get diagnosed with cancer.
Blonde Lawyer
I agree it is a company issues and not a him issue but I understand working short staffed knowing that someone will be coming along soon and then that person comes along and you get excited that the craziness is over and then you learn that they will be out soon and that crazy will be right back. Few places hire temps. Some actually prohibit it (certain union jobs). I would hope though that most people would blame the system and not the coworker for the issue.
due date is 8 months into my new job
I accepted a new job and found out I was pregnant in the intervening time before I started. Trust me, between not having FMLA protection, trying to learn a new role and organization while dealing with pregnancy symptoms (exhaustion, morning sickness, general discomfort), and worrying about my professional reputation because of the potential for my coworkers to have attitudes like your husbands, his coworker is probably just as unenthused about the timing with respect to her job change as he is.
Luckily, my boss is great and basically said “congratulations, babies are great, don’t worry about us!,” assured me we’d hire a temp if necessary to backfill my role while I’m out, and that she would support a full 12-week leave period even without FMLA. This is the constructive way to handle an employee’s/coworker’s pregnancy. Because really, what is she going to do about it because you grumble?! She’s still going to have the baby. And she’s still going to be out of the office for a while because of it. I hope your husband doesn’t gripe about this to anyone but you, because I would think terribly of a coworker who expressed those sentiments.
AnnonToo
Your husband’s comments are s*xist and he should not get a pass for having such an attitude towards his co-worker. What if you were pregnant and your male co-worker “blamed” you for his extra work? How would he feel then? Or women and her career just doesn’t matter to him? The fact that he blames his female co-worker for becoming pregnant is absolutely s*xist attitude and all men should be called out for this, at the very least definitely your own husband. We need to cut the bud of such mentality whenever we can, just because he is sweet DH doesn’t give him an excuse to whine/blame his co-worker. Again, I personally have no problem going on a feminist rant with relatives and friends who offend those values and my own husband doesn’t get a pass at all.
Anon
Your husband is an a-hole who seems to think men should rule the world. I wouldn’t be able to live with someone like that
Until men start really taking advantage of paternity leave, maternity leave will always be a ghetto for women. I hope all of us who are managers of both women and men wholeheartedly support paternity and adoption leave policies.
Anonymous
Anon at 7:47. None of that was necessary. She is married to him. And she asked for help in explaining something to him.
Anon
Is your husband a type-A, plan-ahead guy who has not had any major setbacks in life? Some people take a while to personally experience the reality that many things are out of one’s control.
HereComestheBride
Let’s talk wedding dresses. I am getting married in a year (weee!) at an indoor/outdoor venue. The ceremony will be outside and the reception will be in a tent. Our dress code will likely be cocktail and the whole affair won’t be super formal – BBQ buffet, etc. – but will still be ‘nice.’ I’m in my 20s and admit the whole thing will be a little hipsterish.
Until yesterday, I thought I would wear a short dress. Maybe even short-short (above the knee) as I like my legs, feel great in short dresses, and it will be hot summer. Paired with some quirky blue shoes and a braided updo. I figured I’d buy a non-wedding dress, just something white and gorgeous from Nordstrom etc. The few times I’ve worn long gowns (as a bridesmaid, etc), I’ve never found them very flattering or comfortable.
Then yesterday I walked by some beautiful bridal store and caught myself swoooooning at all the huge long gorgeous dresses. I realized I’d never in my life get to wear something like that and suddenly felt sad. I haven’t gone dress shopping and hadn’t really planned to (see: order something from Nordstrom). But now I am second-guessing everything. Budget is also key (though difficult – we ‘could’ afford so much more than we are spending but think it is a waste). A cute short dress could cost <500, whereas I can't imagine wearing any long bridal gown for less than 2k. I'm nervous to go to a bridal store and fall in love with things I don't want to spend money on.
Thoughts? What kind of dress did you wear? Regrets? Cute short dress recommendations that will talk me back into them? I am 5'4," pear shaped, and as happy in my own body as I've ever been. Fiance wants to wear a baby blue searsucker suit (meh), but hoping he'll end up in a light gray suit instead.
anon
I bought a tea-length dress from David’s Bridal (where I hadn’t been expecting to find a dress) for ~$700. Tea length might let you get that ballgown feeling you’re missing… without dragging train through your rustic BBQ wedding. (I was just petrified I would trip.)
Pretty Primadonna
Not sure if you’re into the super-feminine, but when I got married, I wanted to wear the Kate Spade open back mindress to SOMETHING wedding-related. Link to follow.
Pretty Primadonna
https://www.katespade.com/products/open-back-silk-mini-dress/NJMU4931.html?cgid=ks-clothing-dresses&dwvar_NJMU4931_color=107#start=47&cgid=ks-clothing-dresses
life
Adorable
Anon bride
BHLDN (anthropologie’s bridal line) has lots of gorgeous long dresses at less than $2000. Mine was $850 (the Elinor). Long, lace, train, but not heavy or constricting.
Anonymous
I wore a long dress. It was a flowy ball-gown from davids bridal (vera wang collection). I loved it. For all the reasons you mentioned — You’ll never get a chance to wear it again, I knew I wanted a long dress. You can DEFINITELY get a dress for way under $2000. Mine was $900. Check out Jcrew and BHLDN for something that is long but maybe not screaming *Scary Bridal*.
Anonymous
Go try on dresses, both the ones you want to order from Nordstrom and long dresses. You can definitely get a nice long dress for under $2k. Even if you browse somewhere that is not cheap like BHLDN, there are lots of dresses for less than that. There’s no point in agonizing over it until you try a bunch of things on first.
Anony
+1 Go have fun trying on dresses in all different styles – pink, poufy, lace, over-the-top sparkly, things you’d never wear – because you only get to really do that for a wedding and sometimes it’s fun just to picture what kind you like in crazy things and what kind of event goes with those dresses. Then figure out what you really want and really look for the right one. It may be that you just need a long-dress fix and the “bride experience,” but will return to a short dress for your actual wedding. Have fun with it! It’s a fun time!
HSAL
Check out the Dolly Couture tea length dresses. They might work for your venue, which sounds similar to mine. My dress was around $800 excluding alterations (which weren’t much since you can submit your measurements).
HSAL
Whoops, looks like they’ve gotten quite a bit more expensive in the last couple years, but I still highly recommend them.
ALX emily
I wore a just above the knee length dress (for a wedding/reception in the private dining room of a restaurant in September in VA, so no particular weather/venue reason for it) and have no regrets, but I also never really considered any other option. I am not at all a “fancy” person and knew I’d just look/feel like I was playing dress-up if I wore a long dress. I’ve been married for 3.5 years and definitely admire beautiful long dresses when I walk by wedding stores, but am glad not to have even tried one on. I also reeeeeally didn’t want to have any kind of Say Yes to the Dress-style shopping experience, so ordering a dress from jcrew online suited me perfectly!
Anonymous
My formal bridal gown (from a very upscale bridal store) was on sale for $800. Pretty much all my close friends got gowns in the $1000 range. Wear a short dress if you want to, but you definitely don’t have to spend anywhere near $2K on a gown.
Yup
I got my dress, a floor-length column with full lace overlay and small train, from an upscale boutique. It was the previous season’s floor sample on sale for $500. A couple hundred more in alterations and cleaning/lace repair, but still under $1k all-in.
caro
I think we had a very similar wedding to what you’re planning (down to the groom in a light gray suit, a 5’4″ bride, and a BBQ food truck!), *and* it sounds like we have similar aesthetics about our clothing.
I wore the BHLDN Ainsley dress in ivory–it was $80 on sale and needed minimal alterations, and it showed off my awesome (hot pink, not blue) shoes. I had also ordered the BHLDN Sienna in ivory, and I kept it because it was too gorgeous not to use for something–I’m not sure they carry it anymore, but you might be able to find it as a resale.
To be honest, I was pretty pragmatic about the dress–I didn’t want to spend a ton, and I didn’t want to be worried about the hem being in the way (or in the dirt) for dancing/socializing/lawn games. Does a small part of me regret not going for something floor-length? Sure. But there will be plenty of other opportunities (notably, other people’s much fancier indoor weddings!) to get something glam from RTR, and for our wedding and our budget and our style, a short dress was the right choice for me.
Bluestocking
I wore a short dress for my wedding, but I tried on all sorts of long and short dresses and many lengths in between. I tried dresses from Nordstrom, BHLDN, David’s Bridal and local boutiques and bridal shops. Nothing I tried on cost more than $1200 (most were $800 or less), and I got mine for <$400. I saw a beautiful floor sample bridal gown for sale for $200 at a bridal shop and it fit me well, but it was just a little too princess-y and I didn't quite feel like myself wearing it. Trying on the gowns may help you decide whether you actually want to wear something like that for your wedding, and as others have said, they don't have to cost as much as you're imagining.
TheElms
Lots of stores have sample racks / dresses under 2k/ good bridal consignment stores. Have you tried looking at something like that? Where are you? I bet the hive might have some good ideas for you. In fact there might even be someone on here that would give you their dress. I would its hanging in my closet and I have no idea what to do with it.
wedding dress in Chicago
I have my old wedding dress from 1999 that I’d happily give away to someone who would wear it. It’s in my basement in Chicago, preserved in a fancy box, because I won a dress preservation at a bridal fair a few months before my wedding. I’m now divorced and re-married, so I have even less sentimental attachment to the dress than I did while I was still married to my 1st husband.
Aunt Jamesina
I had a wedding with a similar feel to yours, and was originally going to get something fairly simple (though long) from Nicole Miller. Then I feel in love with a more traditional (but not princessy) gown. Mine was made by Marisa, a company which does virtually NO advertising, but all of their gowns are made in the US. Mine was 100% silk and had gorgeous detailing and cost $1600. Wear what you want!
Baconpancakes
Oh my god, I’m not even engaged and I fell in love with those dresses and know exactly which one I want now.
Sydney Bristow
Go try everything on (long and short) and see how you feel. Pick whatever makes you happiest and feels the most true to yourself. My long dress from David’s Bridal was $450.
If you’re stuck and don’t want to choose, I know some people find it annoying but you could always wear 2 dresses. Or buy both and wear the long one for the ceremony, decide if you want to change into the short one, and if you don’t you can always return it to Nordstrom.
You could also get your short white dress fix by getting something awesome to wear for your bridal shower or bachelor*t*e party if you have them.
Sydney Bristow
Oh, I meant to add that I have a friend who got married in a short white dress and Converse that matched the ones her husband was wearing. It was so perfect because it was perfectly them. My goal with wedding planning was to end up with something that totally reflected who my husband and I are. If you’re a short dress wearing, proud of your legs kind of lady then rock that short dress!
Jax
A coworker is combining a Catholic church ceremony with a kid-friendly backyard BBQ, and she’s planning to bustle her train and drag the skirt through the dirt. Her guests will be in sundresses and shorts like its a 4th of July picnic, the bridal party will be in formal dress, and she is deliberately planning it this way. I predict the evening will end with a trash-the-dress session around a bonfire.
Honestly, there are so many ways to do weddings now that I think you can do whatever you want.
Sunshine
Ita easy to get caught up in expensive dresses and when you’re comparing dresses in different price ranges you will likely see things and notice things that are distinguish them. But remember, whether you get a traditional dress or a shirt dress or something else, you will be the only bride at your wedding, probably the only person in a white dress, so the issues you may notice when comparing gowns will not exist.
Katie
Help! I’m looking for cute gladiator/brown leather sandals under $50 for an upcoming trip to Europe. I’m hoping for something that is easy for longer distances and different types of terrains. Any recommendations?
Char
Anyone have a good elopement story? We’re starting to talk about it…
Anonymous
I do not have a good elopement story, but I will share that I have always regretted not eloping. We discussed it but ended up having a wedding because it was very important to my husband to have his friends and family there. I didn’t want to bother with the hassle and expense, and thought a classy semi-elopement (nice pre-planned destination wedding with just the two of us) would be romantic. Our wedding had some nice moments, but I was exhausted and stressed out by hosting a huge party, which was totally out of the realm of my previous experience, and we didn’t even really get any good pictures out of it.
Emmer
+10000000
Anonymous
Moderation ate my reply. Short version: I regret *not* eloping.
Anonymous
Not sure if this qualifies as a true elopement, but a friend went to SF City Hall with just her and her DH’s immediate family. She wore a traditional wedding gown, had her hair and makeup done, had a talented professional photographer and had an absolutely beautiful bouquet, but she didn’t have to buy dinner for 100+ people so I imagine it was way cheaper than a traditional wedding (though still probably $5,000-$10,000, knowing SF prices for these things). SF City Hall is a gorgeous venue and the photos are absolutely beautiful.
On the other hand, I look back on my own wedding, which was almost five years ago now, and what makes me happiest is not the beautiful dress I wore or the gorgeous flowers I carried, but the memories of having literally everyone I love in one place at the same time, which will never happen again in my life. I certainly wouldn’t break the bank to have a wedding, and I think having the funds for a nice honeymoon is really important too, so I’m all for cheap, DIY, casual weddings but there really is something to be said for getting all your loved ones together, even if it’s for a backyard BBQ.
BB
Define “good”? We did a very quick license at City Hall (basically just signed papers), then went on a week long trip to a foreign destination. We actually had never been there before, but it’s now one of our favorite places and we go every year. We didn’t know exactly “where” we were going to have a ceremony, but we ended up taking a short hike the last day we were there and found this perfect place by a creek. We said our “vows” to each other there, and I took some photos that we shared with family later.
Anon for the Judge
I didn’t elope, but I have performed many courthouse weddings and I’m here to tell you that almost every single one of the couples I’ve married in court have seemed much, much more relaxed and happy than the couples whose big formal weddings I’ve attended.
I actually performed the wedding for a couple of good friends just last week, and while it wasn’t exactly an elopement because it wasn’t a surprise and they didn’t leave town, it was just the two of them, their two sisters, me, and my husband (and a photographer). We all got all dressed up and went to a beautiful public garden in town for the ceremony, then out to lunch. I thought it was perfection.
Carlie
My mom burst into tears (not the happy kind) when I got back and told her – does that count?
Scarlett
I eloped! It was amazing. Went to SF City Hall. Told only my sister & my husband had his best friend (called our parents and everyone else the next day). I cannot recommend it enough. For me, getting married was so personal and I didn’t want it to feel like a graduation or something with a whole bunch of family and friends watching us who I wouldn’t get to talk to. The day of our wedding, we got ready together at home, went to City Hall together, and had an amazing dinner after at a great restaurant. It was intimate, just about us and I was overcome with just love the whole day. A few months later we did a dinner for our families & closest friends (50 people, private room at a restaurant) and I was so glad that wasn’t our actual wedding. I had a great time at the dinner party, but I didn’t get the personal time with my husband or our guests the way we did on our wedding day. There was a little tiny bit of upset with our families after we eloped – nothing too major, I think they all understood (or at least had the grace not to say *too* much) and it was absolutely the right call for us. It was the most romantic day.
eloping
My sister-in-law and her husband eloped to Vegas. They told family a few weeks ahead of time, but didn’t invite anybody (and didn’t give the exact date or location so they wouldn’t have uninvited surprise guests). Their reasoning was that marriage felt very personal and they didn’t want to be the center of attention and have an audience that would make them feel uncomfortable at their own wedding. They had a hometown party a month or so after the wedding. My SIL’s family (my in-laws) were fine with it, and enthusiastic about the marriage and celebrating at the party. My SIL’s husband’s parents (mother in particular) were extremely offended and had an attitude at the party. The husband’s mother cried several times over the phone to her son, telling him how he was denying her a wedding (he’s an only child) and she was so disappointed. Her behavior has caused a strain in their relationship ever since.
My cousin eloped in Vegas while she and her boyfriend were already there on vacation with her dad (her parents are divorced). So bride’s dad got to be at the wedding, bride’s mom didn’t and neither did groom’s parents. That caused some hurt feelings, but nobody made a fuss and it doesn’t seem to have affected the overall family relationships.
Another cousin eloped to Europe, where her husband is originally from, and then they got stranded there for a year because of immigration complications. My cousin spent the first year of her marriage living in a tiny apartment with her new husband and mother-in-law. The elopement was planned though, and my cousin’s mom was excited because it was so romantic and helped her pick out a dress before she left. They got married in a little chapel on a cliff near the ocean.
My husband and I considered eloping. I was in favor, husband was less so, oddly enough, given that I love weddings and he doesn’t, but he wanted his family there when he married, even if he did find the idea of a Wedding a bit stressful. I’m more of a private person, so even though I love weddings in general, I don’t love being the center of attention. I really enjoyed the wedding though, and I’m glad we did it.
Anon
Your first paragraph = me and my hubby. 9 years later, don’t regret a thing! (Although I think my MIL might still be a little upset by it… Hey, it’s our life)
Anonymous
We eloped. Told our parents and some very close friends and that’s it. Did it during a long vacation. Had a ceremony just the two of us, a photographer who did most of the planning, gorgeous location and small cake and champagne and then went out for a fabulous sunset dinner. I highly highly recommend.
Anon
Vegas, Elvis impersonator. A few friends came along (no invitations, just casual ‘join us if you like’) and we had a nice group dinner afterward. I still have the visa receipt for the ceremony $340. Expensive because we sprung for the real flowers that I could keep.
Highly recommend.
Anon
PS married 16 years – amortizes to $21.25 per year on a nominal basis.
Baconpancakes
Haha, I love that you’ve amortized your wedding cost.
anon
2 week vacation in Belize, got married in the middle (after meeting the residency requirements to apply for a marriage license). Ceremony was on a dock over the water; the only people present were the officiant and the photographer. The beachgoers back on land cheered us as we walked back, which was nice.
We’d told everyone ahead of time — it was awesome to combine the wedding and the honeymoon. We had a party a few months later to celebrate, which was all the planning I had in me.
I would do it again in a heartbeat. It’s not for everyone, but it was perfect for us.
Istanbul elopement
We told friends and family that we had decided to get married, but didn’t correct assumptions that we’d be doing it the traditional way at home. And then we ran off to Turkey and got married in Istanbul, which was incredibly romantic and special to us. We’re both very introverted and knew neither of us would enjoy being the centre of attention for a big celebration, but we still wanted to do something truly special and that we could enjoy. We organised everything once in country and had an amazing day, getting married in the small chapel in the local council offices, and then wandering around and having photos taken at the spice market, and outside the Blue Mosque. We managed to FaceTime my mum in to be a part of the actual ceremony, which she loved. We then announced it on Facebook and by email that evening, and had a small barbecue in our tiny back yard when we got home the next week.
Amazon tablets?
I was just looking at tablets and I realised that Amazon has the Fire tablet for about $40 with an HD version for slightly more. I am thinking of getting a tablet mainly for surfing the net, using apps etc. I now use my phone for the same thing but would like a larger screen because it would be easier to read articles. Has anyone used the Fire? Would you recommend it?
OP
Any other brands you would recommend?
Anonymous
My kid has an iPad Mini that Santa Claus bought on sale for $200 at Wal-Mart. It is the base model–wifi only, 16 MB memory. The software is stable, iOS is easy to use, the display is clear, and the whole thing is just very nice. I am envious.
If you are going to read e-books, I highly recommend the cheapest Amazon Kindle. It is very light and the e-ink is easy on the eyes.
Anonymous
I had a Kindle Fire 2nd gen, I think, which bricked itself after about 15 months (so out of warranty). I was quite unhappy about it. I also had most of the complaints below about compatibility, and it was heavy. I paid more than $49, though, I’m pretty sure. I now have an Asus Transformer which I paid about $69 for, and I find it generally less annoying, as it is has more compatible apps available and is not much heavier than my phone.
M
I have a Fire (7? Maybe?) and it’s pretty good for doing things at home where my phone is too small. The software is a little clunky, but if you aren’t using it for much besides entertainment, it’s a great tablet.
SC
I have a Fire HD, and I like it. I admit that I use it mainly for reading or streaming Netflix or Youtube videos. I think it’s good if you’re mainly using one app, but it’s a bit clunky to switch between apps. I’m also not a big fan of its web browser or email, but I like that they’re there for something quick while I have the tablet open. I also love that it’s cheap enough to throw in my bag or read in the tub or use around my 1-year-old without worrying about it getting damaged. For the price they’re offering today, I’d probably buy it.
Maddie Ross
I have a Fire and we have one for my daughter after she dropped and broke 2 iPads. It’s, um, fine. If I had unlimited resources, I definitely would not buy another. I consider them our “disposable” tablets. As M says the software is clunky. I regularly have to shut it down altogether to get it to stop “spinning” or “loading.” And the screen resolution isn’t so great for apps (so facebook comes through a bit blurry), though videos play just fine. If you are planning to use primarily for reading books or articles, or for watching Amazon video or Netflix (which pairs well with it about 90% of the time), it’s just fine for the price.
hoola hoopa
I use the HDX for the same purposes (plus watching video) and am very content. I agree with the cons that the others have mentioned, plus you have to download pdfs and jpgs to view them (ie, if someone emails you a picture or if you’re browsing the internet and want to see a pdf link) which is mildly obnoxious.
The main drawback for me is that some apps are not available for kindle. You can see on the amazon website if the apps you want are available. The major ones all are, but there are some that my kids’ school uses that are not.
Meg Murry
We have Fire tablets for my kids (the ones that are on sale for $40 today, although the younger one has the kids bumper on his). As everyone else says, they are ok – nothing spectacular, but they get the job done and are pretty sturdy (although I’d recommend a case with a front flap if you will be throwing in a purse, etc.
The 2 things that annoy me most about them:
-I’m so used to Android, the differences between FireOS and stock Android annoy me. You also can’t get the Google Play Store (without jumping through some major hoops that you have to be above average tech-y to do, and it still doesn’t work so well) – so no Gmail or Google Docs app, and a lot of apps that are free on the Play store cost money on the Amazon store, and many of my favorite apps aren’t available at all.
-You absolutely need a micro SD card if you are going to load any more than a couple of apps beyond what the tablet comes with, or it will be full very fast.
Also be aware that the $40 version is the one with “special offers” meaning you’ll see an ad on the screen every time it goes to sleep. I thought I would be ok with that (I’m fine with it on my Kindle e-reader) but it really is starting to irk me on the tablets – not sure it has reached “pay $20 to turn them off” level though.
But overall, yes, they work just fine as a tablet to sit on the couch and read off, instead of using your phone. I actually prefer to use my phone though for things involving typing, because I am faster at that one handed than the tablet since its just a little too big for me to one handed type on.
TravelBug
I really like mine! But I basically only use it to:
(1) Read books from the library on the OverDrive app
(2) Read the Washington Post, which comes free on it
(3) Stream video
halp
Who is organized and can help me? I am very disorganized, but have always been really bright/very sharp memory, so I do a lot of fire drills, but nothing catestrophic. I’m also super messy. I’m taking ADD meds, but I need some behavioral help, I think.
It’s getting stressful and expensive to be this reactive. Examples of things I messed up this week: daughter starting daycare, realize I’m 2 mos. behind on her well baby visit, she needs MMR vaccine before she can start-fire drill; notice from CLE commission threatening law license suspension because of a delinquency in credits (ironically…I had attended the CLE’s, but not forwarded the certificate/followed up on the number of “ethics” credits) fire drill, some $$$ in fees/last minutes classes.
My memory isn’t as sharp now, and I stepped into this bizarre new role, where there’s a lot of emails and “i needs” and I’m having a hard time staying on top of things. I’m not loving outlook’s red flags or “task list” because it’s so unsatisfying to cross things off–it’s like a right click and some nonsense.
I’ve tried Getting things done/todoist, and I seriously struggle with toggling from outlook to the online list.
I have no room on my phone for any more apps, and I have a hard time looking at a list on my phone and not checking facebook/insta/etc for 20 mins when I Pick up the phone and totally forgetting what I was doing.
I’m widely perceived as an overachiever, but I’m kind of a $hitshow. I feel like I don’t have any good systems and honeslty can’t really figure it out. It’s embarassing and stressful and expensive.
life
Checklists. I have a paper list that I use, update regularly, and often make a mini-list each day for the essentials. I never moved over well to electronic lists. I need it big. IN MY FACE.
Large list on a wipe board in my kitchen for all to see.
Calendar.
You can’t remember it all. It’s impossible. Write it down. It actually helps your memory more than typing it in does.
Care
Google “sheplans” – its a list-based planner and I think it may help you by forcing you to write things down and then look at them day-to-day.
Care
it’s – I would really like an edit function :(
Runner 5
I also need paper lists. Digital is great for long term stuff but in terms of what has to be done today I write it down and leave the list open on my desk while I work.
Anonymous
Therapist. You didn’t get your daughter her measles shot. You risked losing your law license. This is a real crisis. This is catastrophic level stuff.
Anon for this
Agreed. You need help and now (I say this in a gentle way because I really self-identify with what you’re saying).
halp
Already have one…mostly for some anxiety/PTSD issues. (She’s a busy lady! ;))
I can’t help but think that I might be less anxious if I weren’t constantly putting out fires.
I feel like this post makes me seem really nuts/crazy, but I’m normal/functional in most areas. It’s just getting harder to depend on natural ability/talent and avoid these last minute dramatic scenes!
Anon
You’re not nuts. You’re a busy overworked mom of two small kids and you’re only human.
I wish everyone would stop suggesting therapy for every problem.
You just need a better organization system so these kinds of things don’t get missed.
Anonymous
She forgot to vaccinate her child for measles. That is 100% not normal.
Anonymous
Disagree. My kid was sick at his last well child visit and our doctor didn’t want to do all of the scheduled vaccines as a result. We are 100% pro-vaccine but obviously will defer to medical recommendations. Because life was busy we ended up getting his shots caught up 6 months later — still in compliance with state law for school, but definitely late.
anon
Ok… I’m basically could have written OP’s post (including the CLE part), but I don’t have kids. It’s so amazing how I can be so high function but my personal tasks are a mess- but my clients’ aren’t!
Point is, I wouldn’t call this “catastrophic level stuff.”
She didn’t risk losing her law license because of some malpractice error- THAT is catastrophic level. Half the attorneys I know have delayed/forgot some CLE/bar related paperwork at some point. It makes you scramble to get it in, but it’s not like this woman was about to be totally banned from practicing law forever.
She didn’t leave her daughter in the back seat of the car, or leave medication within her reach, or leave her alone with a pitbull or forget her peanut allergy or, or…
This is a problem that needs to be managed, including medication for depression or ADD, but this is not a crisis. I can’t see how telling someone who is struggling to get stuff done already and feeling overwhelmed that she is in a “crisis” is helpful- it just amplifies the shame and anxiety and drowning feeling.
Betty
You didn’t offer, but I will ask: How old is your baby? Any chance that you are still in the first (or um 5) years of parenthood? If so, take it easy on yourself. Is there a chance that you are actually doing great but being hard on yourself as you adjust to the whole working parent thing? Aside from that, I would agree, handwritten lists are my lifesaver. I have an old fashioned planner that all of my to-dos go into that I use to keep track of my life.
halp
She’s 20 months. I have another who’s about to be 3.
Betty
Welp. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You absolutely would if you had just the two kids to take care of (those ages are tough). Plus it sounds like you’ve stepped into a new job or at least role at work.
If I were in your shoes (and I kind of am — a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old and started a new job a year ago), I would take some time to get your $hit together. Find someone who can help you come up with practical ways to keep all the balls in the air (who will recognize that you have a ton going on but that that excuse only gets you so far). Outsource whatever you can for a while to give yourself some breathing room on the to-do list (cleaning person, mother’s helper on the weekend, go frozen meals for a while). Hand stuff off to your SO if that is a possibility (can s/he take charge of kid appointments for a while?). Do you have a secretary that you can give stuff to? Also, an actual day off of work to get ahead on life-stuff can do wonders in terms of organization. Sorry for the randomness of these thoughts, but I get it. I’ve been there. Time to figure it out.
Anonymous
What about a physical paper planner or desk calendar? You definitely sound like you’d benefit from having it out in front of you always and that you get satisfaction from checking things off the list.
halp
To clarify, I use lots of lists….but I forget to put things on the list
OR
things are so voluminous that I couldn’t put them on a list (20 emails asking for something) without a serious time suck.
Meredith
So this could be me but I have a chic notebook that comes with me everywhere (it even sits outside the stall in the bathrooms in case I get bailed up going to/from my desk).Everything gets written down immediately and then from 3-4pm on a Friday I assign the tasks for the next week days to be completed.
Maybe you could have a tabbed one – work/kid1/kid2/life admin? It might help however I’m not dealing with 2 kids, a new job/role and PTSD whilst at appearing overachieving so to me you are kinda a rockstar!
Runner 5
Do you have room in the budget to pay someone (sourced through Taskrabbit or similar) to keep track of this stuff for a couple of hours a week?
Anon
I feel less alone because this could totally be me.
When I’m on the ball I use paper lists – one list for work, one for me + DH (hair cut/dentist etc) and one for kids.
SC
Calendar. I put everything, including personal stuff, on my work calendar (sometimes vaguely worded). For routine appointments, I always schedule the next appointment on my way out and put it on my calendar as we’re scheduling it. I also put important deadlines on my calendar and set it to remind me in advance.
I keep a simple legal pad as a dedicated to-do list on my desk. It’s a different color than the legal pads I use for notes or outlines, so I know not to pick that one up when I’m running out the door and need something to write on. I use this for smaller task items – send in reimbursement request, respond to email, draft letter, etc.
Is there an administrative assistant or junior person who you could delegate some small stuff to?
There are multiple strategies for managing emails. I think a lot of this depends on company culture and whether you are in a position to influence company culture. Some people only check emails at certain intervals, some people respond to urgent emails but save anything non-urgent to a certain time of day. You’ll probably feel less flustered and better able to remember things if your brain isn’t jumping from task to task in response to your inbox.
Abbie
Here is what I do – I dislike apps/online/phone lists so paper is what has worked for me.
I use a paper calendar/planner and it generally goes everywhere with me. I take it to work and back home again – it’s small enough to fit in my large-ish purse or work bag.
Every Sunday I write a list of things to do – whether it be scheduling a dr. appointment, calling someone, grocery shopping, etc. I write it down. Then I try to accomplish one or two things per day. The things can also involve important work things where I cannot forget to get them done.
At work to remember/plan projects and to-dos, every Monday morning I write a list of things that NEED to be accomplished, in priority order. This list travels to meetings with me, to other offices, clients, etc. in my portfolio. At the end of the week if things haven’t been crossed off, they get added to a list for the following week.
Long story short, you will get a system that works for you and when you do get that system, stick to it!
Anon
Getting Things Done by David Allen … it’s a “system” but not a “product” … it allows you to use pen and paper, digital means, or a combination of both. You’ll use a calendar and a series of running lists at the basic level. I started using it in 2010 and could not imagine life without it. Basic premise: my brain is not a device for information retrieval, so write it down/input it into a system that you can trust. I have always been a list person, but that alone doesn’t make you more organized!
Susan
Seconded. They also have amazing consultants who can come to your office, go through all your stuff with you and get you and your system set up. I highly recommend it.
EB
You don’t say if you have a partner, but if you do, can you rely on them for the kid stuff? It’s fair to say to them that, as you just started a stressful new role at work, you need relief from the kid stuff for a bit. The other suggestions here are great too – but sometimes you actually can’t do it all.
Meg Murry
Yes, this is totally true. My husband and I trade off about who is the least organized at the moment and toss the ball back and forth between us on that sort of thing. So in order to make things happen, sometimes one of us will say “I need you to call the pediatrician this week and schedule Kiddo for a well child visit sometime in the month of June, then put it in my Google Calendar and email it to me. If you make the appointment, I’ll be the one to take the kid.”
The only other thing that kind of helps is to chunk these things. So I’ll block an hour or two in my work calendar and just spend that time check the calendar to see when the last time appointments were had (or just giving up and calling the office to ask) and then making ALL the appointments – the kids pediatrician, my primary care doctor and OBGYN, the dentist, etc. Sometimes I’m scheduling appointments that won’t happen for 3-9 months, but whatever, they are on my calendar (Google AND work) so that way I can plan around them and go.
But overall, I hear you. Adult with ADHD here, and I keep falling off the medical wagon, especially every time my insurance changes and I just don’t have the energy to figure out which doctors are no longer covered and go find new ones, etc.
If it makes you feel any better, my kids finally just got their dental cleanings after almost a year instead of 6 months, my son hasn’t been to his specialist appointment he’s supposed to go to annually for at least 1.5 years, I hadn’t had a physical in 3 years until last month. Every year we wind up taking our kids to the doctor within 1 week of the “turn this medical form back in or you’re kicked out of daycare” deadline, and last year we did the required 504/IEP meeting with my son’s teacher and school counselor and specialist on the 2nd to last day of school.
But hey, some days as long as everyone went off to school/work wearing clothes that are close enough to the right size and season, shoes on their feet and food in their bellies I consider that winning the “keeping my kids alive” game.
anon
1.) I am a mom of two preschoolers working a biglaw schedule and married to a lawyer, so sympathy that I’m amazed what a space cadet I can be — recent examples are (a) preparing teacher appreciation cards with giftcards and having them go MIA on me — seriously, they flipping disappeared; (b) bouncing my first ever check recently because I (idiotically) grabbed a checkbook from the wrong account.
2.) All the sympathy in the world isn’t going to help what sounds like relatively serious issues. Checklists, outsourcing and more sleep are all very good advice. Realize that something needs to change because your life is only get more complicated as you’re forgetting stuff or falling behind. Can your partner take some of the kid or household responsibilities? What about an assistant or junior person taking ownership of certain projects — with strict instructions that they are in charge of making sure you meet all deadlines, etc.?
good luck!
Anonymous
1) Read this book — lots of good tips for life systems in it:
http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/0743264487/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462566060&sr=8-1&keywords=add+crazy
2) Talk to your partner for help. Your daughter’s MMR vaccine isn’t your responsibility alone — it’s her father’s as well. (You may want to ask this Q over at CorporetteMoms and see what the response is.) If you’re totally alone as a parent (e.g. IVF or whatever) you may need a better nanny who can help you with this kind of stuff.
3) I like “Remember The Milk” for an ongoing to-do list. Web based and app based.
4) For deadlines and other things, I just use Google calendar — I set it up to give me email reminders (1 day before, 15 days before, whatever) as well as pop-up notifications (15 minutes before usually).
5) Outsource whatever you possibly can, and see who else you can hire to take stuff off your plate. Mother’s helpers can do dishes, laundry, etc; you can outsource it, etc. Look into app Hello Alfred if you’re in a big city.
M
I second the book recommendation. Very flexible and practical solutions for organizing your life and keeping track of everything.
Anon
I used to have a very good memory. I never had to write down phone numbers, birthdays, homework assignments. I just remembered it. Now, after law school, 8 years as a lawyer, and 3 kids I cannot remember anything at all. So I write everything down. I have a big calendar at home and write stuff on that and then check it every morning and evening. I calendar everything in outlook and in my phone calendar. I set reminders on my phone and my work calendar because otherwise I will forget! I also try to do small things immediately–so instead of letting school papers pile up, I look through them every night, sign and calendar anything that needs it and recycle the rest. At work, I try and do any filing immediately and calendar things immediately. (I also go into work 30 minutes before everyone else so I can get stuff done in the morning.) Its a struggle though.
WestCoast Lawyer
+1 Write everything down immediately. I do not trust my brain to remember anything anymore (tangentially, I wonder whether my memory isn’t getting worse because I no longer even try to remember things, but I’m not willing to let things fall through the cracks just to exercise my brain).
Keep a master list of things you have to do in whatever format you think will work best for you. If that is in paper, and you think of something you need to do and don’t have the paper list handy, send yourself an email and don’t delete the email until you’ve added the thing to your master list. Then set up time in your calendar every day (or 2-3x a day) to review your list. I also block our certain parts of my day to get certain tasks done. So I might have a half hour blocked out to schedule kids’ doctors appointment, send in DMV renewal and reply to a personal email.
For unusual things I need to remember in the morning (earlier than usual meeting, kid needs to wear PJs to school, etc.) I put a post-it on the bathroom mirror or front door the night before so I don’t forget in the mad dash to get everyone out of the house.
what I do
I use the “Sticky Notes” on my computer desktop and have a list where I have Monday, Tuesday, etc. and I list what must be done on those days. I have ADD, so I can’t really convince myself to work on or look at any other list. But this one is right in my main view all day so I am somewhat forced to and it works for me. Otherwise, for reminders and appointments, I put it in my calendar as soon as I make it, and I also put a reminder in my calendar at that time, as many days out as I need and then make it repeat for as long as I have to.
Blonde Lawyer
Do you have a good assistant? I have ADHD too. I’ve talked to my assistant about the kinds of stuff I need some extra help with. She doesn’t just put stuff on my calendar. She is pro-active, looks ahead and reminds me of what’s coming up. Just today she emailed me to say “hey, you have this next week. Anything I should start?” I forward everything to her as soon as I get it and she does the filing. I email her all dates and she puts them into the electronic calendar with reminders. I use a mix of flagged emails, sticky notes, a paper calendar and a paper to do list and a book to do list to get it done.
Does your firm give you a lawyers directory and manual book? Those books have a blank sheet of note paper for each day with the date on top. When I’m on my game, I put my to-do lists in that and can project ahead when I want to work on some of it.
For stuff that I need to get done in a day or two, I have the post its reminding me.
If I have 100 things to do in one day, I make a new list on a yellow pad.
Every couple days I check my emails to make sure anything red flagged is now checked off or at least read again.
ES
I work in a service-oriented field, so most of my tasks and emails are people asking me to do things for them. My team has a ticketing system for tracking, where we can add status (not started, in progress, waiting on someone else, done, etc.) and notes along the way, if necessary. The best part about this system is that I don’t have to enter the information in another place – I can just forward the relevant emails, and it creates new tasks or adds emails to an existing task. There are free/low cost products out there (Asana, Trello, Remember the Milk) which might have some of the same features. Obviously, if any of the information is sensitive, make sure to check with the necessary parties before implementing, but it could work for personal items that you could email to the service rather than using their interface.
I also use the flags in Outlook for items I know I need to do on a certain date, and I’ll just flag them to be done on that date.
On top of that, I like post-its for everything else. I tend to use large ones (4×6 or 3×5) and then sometimes use the smaller ones for items to do today. I try to create a new one every day or so because otherwise they just get too messy to read.
If you have space, I’ve also seen people create sections on white boards and then use post-its to move items through steps.
the chorus of the recently dumped
Reading yesterday’s comments by someone who broke up with her ex for erratic behavior (questioning his love for her when he was stressed/sleepless, etc.) made me seriously reflect on my own behavior. I went through periods of great insecurity in my most recent relationship, even once or twice questioning whether we should continue, but ultimately thought we worked through that — with the help of therapy and healthier physical behaviors (sleep, diet, exercise). A few weeks after the bumpy period, he broke up with me, citing communication issues and a lot of fighting. I am wondering what I could do differently in the future. Part of me certainly regrets being difficult, but part of me also was glad to be my honest, true self, and be open about my problems. Apparently my partner was not interested in hanging around for any of this, good or bad. He has not been in communication, so I can’t ask further questions. Not sure whether we will ever be in touch again, so I’m trying my best to learn from the past and move on.
What do you all think — when can things be worked out, and when is it too late/not worth it?
Killer Kitten Heels
For me personally, the dealbreaker is always if the person takes whatever tough things they’re going through and turns them into a weapon against me. So, for the poster yesterday (I think it was plum), the problem wasn’t necessarily that her ex was insecure/possibly dealing with a mental health issue, it was that, in the moments when he was struggling, he was lashing out at his partner and blaming her/their relationship for his bad feels.
I think it’s actually really common, at least when you’re first coming to terms with anxiety or depression or self-esteem issues or the like, to want to externalize those feelings, and to turn them into accusations against your partner or foundations for arguments with your partner, but ultimately, those are the behaviors that, for me at least, make a relationship not worth working on, because you’re basically signaling to your partner that, rather than doing your own emotional work when you feel sad/anxious/insecure, you’re going to foist those bad feelings onto your partner and make them your partner’s problem.
There’s a way to communicate about feeling bad and needing support that doesn’t turn into an argument – it’s “Hey, I’m feeling really insecure about my weight today, would you please give me extra hugs and cook something light tonight” vs. accusing your partner of cheating on you with that skinny girl who just liked his most recent Instagram pic because you’re feeling insecure about your size.
the chorus of the recently dumped
I definitely did this (your last paragraph). It was once, but maybe that was enough. I feel horrible. I wish I could go back in time and undo it.
Killer Kitten Heels
Don’t stress about it too much – I had a four year on/off relationship where we basically just did that last paragraph thing to each other over and over and over again. (Guess how much fun THAT relationship was!) Like I said, I think it’s actually a really common behavior for people who are dealing with/coming to terms with certain kinds of bad feelings for the first time. The key, now that you’re aware of it, is to figure out (probably with the help of a therapist) how to not do it anymore, so you can be a better partner for your next partner, and also, more importantly, so you can learn how to get more comfortable in your own skin.
Scarlett
While it’s good to learn about what could be bad behavior on your part, don’t beat yourself about it too much either. If you made one mistake, he doesn’t sound like someone who would be forgiving enough to be in a LTR with. I had a similar incident with someone I was really into, and ultimately (after a lot of tears) realized that I wanted a partner who would listen to me, and understand where the reaction was coming from.
Senior Attorney
I agree with all of this wholeheartedly.
I would absolutely decide it’s not worth it to be in a relationship with a lot of fighting — been there, done that, not interested. I also think that is a genie that’s hard to put back in the bottle, and if you start out fighting it’s unlikely it will stop.
And also, insecurity is just deadly to relationships. Assuming he’s not a psychopath who’s gaslighting you, there is nothing your partner can do to fix YOUR insecurities. As KKH so wisely notes, that is emotional work that you need to do for yourself.
plum
Gah, I wish I could travel back in time and tattoo those last two paragraphs on my ex’s brain.
the chorus of the recently dumped
This is no help to you, but I hope it adds something positive to the universe at large: you helped me identify a problem, and I am working on fixing it. We are not you two, but somewhere, somehow, things are improving because you vented here. So, thank you.
I hope I can reach back out to my ex and repair things when I’ve got a better handle on myself — maybe when I can write that message someone suggested (these are the active steps I’ve taken, etc.)
plum
I’m glad to hear that something good might come out of it…good luck!
If only you were my ex! :) Though I can’t imagine a less likely internet forum for him than this one.
plum
Not sure if I am the best source of advice, given that I am still struggling through it (I’m the poster from yesterday), but I finally gave up when I decided it wasn’t going to get better. He didn’t follow through on going to therapy, and things weren’t smoothing out the longer we were in a relationship, as I’d hoped they might. He wasn’t trying to do better, and he wasn’t doing better.
Regarding being difficult vs glad to be your true self: basically my ex said/felt, “I need to be able to be my true self and say everything I think whenever I think it, regardless of how it might affect you!” To me it felt like he was putting his feelings ahead of mine. It was fine for him to say something hurtful because it was “true” (in his tortured brain, right at that specific moment). So for me it felt like a form of selfishness. Of course I don’t know you and am not stating that this is how you are/were acting, but that’s my reflection based on my experience.
the chorus of the recently dumped
Sorry to be all over this, but here at least I feel better that I was not your ex! I did not continue a long lasting pattern; it was simply a rough period, it passed (as I mentioned, therapy, exercise, etc.). We had a strong and genuine basis of love and respect, and I think we were doing a good job of discussing time/place/manner of arguments (honestly we did not have many, but clearly communications was an area we were working on).
Thanks so much for sharing.
Baconpancakes
For me, I realize that when problems with communication and depression got in the way of being together, I let it happen because deep down, I knew the relationship wasn’t right for me.
So I guess my answer would be: you work through it and don’t give up when it’s right. If you’re looking for excuses to get out of the relationship (and it seems like your ex might’ve been doing that), you’re in the wrong relationship. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, just that the relationship isn’t right for you.
Anonymous
Ughh..Mostly venting. I try to say Hello and be friendly to everyone on my floor at work. Well sometimes men take this basic-hello-and-small-talk as flirting. I’m married and wear my engagement wedding ring. I know there’s not much more to do (i KNOW I’m not flirting), but I just want to vent on how annoying this is.
Unsolicited advice
I bet you are a Young Pretty Thing. That used to be be before I became the old, ugly, fat one. Memories.
Try being more formal in your friendliness:
1-Instead of “Hi!”, say “Good Morning!” or “Good Afternoon!”
2-Don’task general questions like “how are you?” ask about something specific like “how is [project] going?” or “How was [child’s] soccer game?”
3-Don’t hold eye contact when socializing. Flash your smile instead of holding it.
4-Disengage from conversations promptly.
5-Remember “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, and “you’re welcome”. The last two don’t get used enough.
Baconpancakes
Ha, I turned up the formality at work, it became habit, and suddenly I stopped getting nearly as much non-street male attention. Also amazing how buying only higher cut necklines for 4 years will cut down the leering. Now I’m actually in the market for cleavalicious tops, and went to the bra fitter with the order that I wanted to show them off, and I didn’t care if it technically “fit” or not, as long as I had some bangin cleavage and it wasn’t uncomfortable.
Anonymous
The two post about adult ADHD had me thinking today that I might want to speak to my doctor about my inability to self-start, focus, and remain on task. Anyone out there not diagnosed with ADD/ADHD until their 30s, care to share?
Runner 5
I’m 22 but the way NHS waiting times are I might be 30 before I see a specialist…
anon
I was not diagnosed with ADHD until my 30s. I’ve heard that girls were underdiagnosed in the 80s and 90s, so adult diagnoses are not all that uncommon for women? I didn’t have much luck with meds, but the diagnosis did help me recognize and change some patterns that were tripping me up or tripping up people around me. It was also a bit validating to learn that there was a reason for some of the things that people got on my case about when I was a kid!
Bluestocking
These sandals are sitting in my Nordstrom cart just waiting for me to buy them using my new Nordstrom card. I should get on that.
capris
Are capri pants coming back into style? I have felt frumpy in capri-length pants for the past few years and have been wearing ankle pants instead. But this spring I’ve been seeing a lot of shorter capris in the stores.
NOLA
I just switched purses from one with different compartments for organization to one big compartment (but really pretty!) and I’m having a hard time adjusting. I’d like to get some pouch type things to organize my stuff so I can still find it. Any ideas? I love the ones at Blue Q but their zipper pouches are a bit bigger than I want and I need to figure out if the pencil cases are big enough to suit my needs. Extra credit for waterproof or wipeable.
Anon2
Probaly not what you are looking for, but I use this purse organizer from the Container Store.
http://www.containerstore.com/s/travel/clothing-accessories-organizers/black-moroccan-in.bag-handbag-organizer/12d?productId=11003239&green=B3D51C4D-5758-508B-ABB5-8A6164E6B526
Posting in case others may find it useful. They have other organizer options too.
Anon2
Probably!
AnonNYC
Have you looked at Cuyana? I haven’t ordered their pouches but they have a ton. I have a tote bag from there and the quality is amazing for the price.
NOLA
Wow, really pretty pouches, but I don’t need leather and they are way more expensive than what I’m thinking. I found some pretty ones in an Etsy store. I just need to look at dimensions and figure out what I need.
Jules
I like the Hadaki brand, available on Amazon. Three sizes, cute colors and patterns, but not super-cheap.
NOLA
Hadaki looks exactly like what I want! I like the coated fabric and there are lots of colors and patterns to choose from. Will need to look at sizes. Thanks!
Speaking of ADD
I’ve always wondered if I have that. But sometimes I also wonder if it’s part of perfectionism. It’s not that I *can’t* focus, it’s that I expect everything I do to be perfect, and if I hit the slightest bit of a roadblock I’m completely paralyzed and can’t move forward, so just start screwing around on the internet. I also think sometimes that we are all just trying to juggle way too much.
Paging Person starting bulb and plant landscape beds
I forgot that Spring Hill Nurseries in Ohio (mail order only) shows completed and planned landscape designs for various uses. Shade. Sun. Perennials. Annuals. Even tells you how many of which plant to order. Of course, they offer the bundle of all plants in each design or layout.
I’ve used them for years when starting off bedding plants and areas. Live in the hot humid south, but with checking of the zone information and knowing what grows here (intially by looking around in neighborhoods … big box stores sell plants selected and grown nationally; nothing personalized for the actual growing areas) it has always been just swell.
Overwhelmed
Hi ladies,
Sorry to bring such a heavy topic over the weekend, but I believe there was a poster here (if she even still posts here?) with some experience with this and I could really use some thoughts/guidance from someone who has been there. MIL had an endoscopy today and they found what is almost certain to be pancreatic cancer. T3 N1 MX pending biopsy results (which I think means it’s in later stages and has probably spread to her lymph nodes). She’s already in poor health and rather frail (COPD, heart issues) – I wasn’t present to hear exactly what the dr. said but it sounds like he didn’t really say much to them other than stating the above diagnosis. I just came back from visiting with her and she clearly has no idea how serious this is (I don’t think she was even fully awake when he spoke to them). I think the dr left it to her primary care doc to tell her next week. She was still recovering so I kept it positive, but neither she nor my husband seem to grasp the severity of it. We are all she has locally, and he travels often for work as do I. We help her out now as much as we can but mostly just once during the work week and then on weekends. My mind is already racing as I’m so worried about how we’re going to be able to get her all of the care she needs and if she can even withstand any sort of treatment given how weak she already is. It already causes her a lot of stomach pain and its hard for her to eat, which is making her weaker. I guess I’m mostly just hoping for some resources as far as what to do and expect, or maybe even a forum such as this that could offer support. He thinks she may refuse treatment when she finds out how bad it really is, which would just crush him, but she has already shown signs of being defeated/depressed lately as her COPD has worsened considerably in the last year. She’s also enormously stubborn and won’t ask for help with anything unless she absolutely has to. Anyways, super thankful for any helpful thoughts or suggestions.
Anon
Get hooked up with the hospital/dr office/community health elder care social worker. This is their forte and should be a great resource for your entire family.
Also, don’t feel rushed into treatment options. My grandma was and it was horrible. After chemo and surgery, her life was extended by a few months but the quality of life was depressed. In the end she told me she wished she would have just enjoyed her last month’s (with hospice and pain management) rather than treatment. It is an option, but sadly too many doctors don’t bring it up, or weigh the consequences in an honest!anner with their patients.
*hugs*
Anonymama
Talk to her doctor about if hospice is appropriate, even if death is not imminent… They can really help with alleviating pain, and making her comfortable. Get an experienced home health aid or nurse to help out, they will know what needs to be done even if she is not used to asking for help. Ugh cancer sucks, and also don’t hesitate to ask people for help (her friends, your friends, her neighbors, etc).
a lawyer
I don’t have any personal experience with this but my neighbor across the street died of pancreatic cancer a few months after diagnosis. You are correct that it is a grim diagnosis. I do not know about treatment and I am sure that would depend on how far along it is. I think my neighbor had one chemo treatment and then stopped it. An oncologist, not the surgeon, should be able to give you leads on support groups, hospice, and other people who have more experience. (my mom and sister have both been through breast cancer, and the oncologists were most helpful with this sort of information) I know my neighbor had hospice the last couple of months, and the family said they were invaluable. If your MIL is active in any church, often the churches have a TLC sort of group that will help sit with and cook for persons in your MIL’s position.
I am so sorry you and your family is having to go through this. Wishing you the best.
Anon
If she decides not to take treatment, I would encourage you to help your husband to view it as a valid choice. It’s not about her not wanting to live, it’s about her not wanting to suffer. It is understandable that she would prefer to not suffer for months only to gain a short period of extra time. Cancer treatments can be incredibly hard to endure. Please encourage him to support her choice. No one should feel guilty for choosing quality of life over quantity in a situation like this.
OP
Yeah, this really worries me. He’s already asked me to help him convince her to get treatment. I’m waiting until we get an official assessment and plan from the dr but she is already having a tough time and I just can’t see how she will be able to handle surgery/chemo.
mascot
The book “On Being Mortal” might be a good read for him. It talks about how we define what is a good life and how to deal with whatever time the patient has left.
I lost a grandparent to pancreatic cancer. It moved very quickly and they made a similar choice to pursue only palliative care. There’s never enough time, but family and friends did get the chance to have some quality time together at the end and it made things more peaceful.
Annony Hippo
Yes, I agree. There is also an hour-long special on this book, narrated by the author. I watched it and found it incredibly touching and well done. I recommend that you and your husband find it online and watch it together. Soon, if possible, as I think it will give you both much to think about and discuss.
Anon
Is there a way to delete a post on here? I’m afraid I shared something that I don’t want to be searchable!
AIMS
Email Kat.
One of the girls
Could use some advice on how to reframe something my boss does that grates on me. My (male) boss manages a team of mostly women. He is generally a great guy to work for and everything you would want in a non-female boss – he is flexible on things like maternity leave and adjusted schedules for the parents in my department, clearly takes everyone’s opinion equally seriously, is open to leadership styles that are not traditionally male, and overall does a great job supporting everyone professionally.
The one thing he does that bugs me is he regularly uses the word “girls” to describe the women he works with (including the ones he manages). He’ll say things like “check with the other girls” or “I had a meeting with some of the girls in [x] department”. He is only a few years older than the others in my department, and none of us are under 25. I usually respond with non-gendered language (“I’ll check with the others”). It’s not a big enough thing for me to address directly, and of all the things I hear about happening in other workplaces this seems like the smallest possible thing. But still, it grates. Any advice for being less bothered by this, or even just commiseration?
a lawyer
Depending on your boss, can you make reference to the “boys” when talking about male co-workers? Oftentimes old habits are hard to break.Even the women (nonprofessional, as I was the only lawyer) in my office, referred to themselves as “girls.” THAT makes it even harder.
One of the girls
I can imagine! In the rare cases where gender is relevant (“can the girls use the restrooms on the next floor down while the one on our floor is under construction?”), I usually respond using “women”, but he hasn’t noticed and I’ll admit it’s subtle (“Yes, I think the women can do that”) but I wish there was a better solution.
life
This is exactly what I do.
Honestly? I’d let it go…. You’re in such a good situation. And I would keep responding as you are, or with “guys”, or make a little joke one day…. Keep it light.
But that’s me.
Cream Tea
Interestingly, I had a chat with a very senior male counsel once who actually asked my opinion on what the PC term for referring to more than one female was, I.e. the equivalent to “guys”. To his credit, he refused to use “guys” as a general term. He say suggested “gals” as the equivalent and I agreed. I think it properly acknowledges the difference while maintaining the casual tone and not putting anyone in the “young girl” category. Not suggesting that we offer this to men as the correct term, but just pointing out that it’s a bit harder, and the there doesn’t seem to be an obviously correct answer.
One of the girls
I realize not everyone shares this opinion and the lack of consensus is part of the problem, but I would actually way rather he used guys as a general term (I guess I grew up with it being used to much, I don’t interpret is as exclusively referring to men).
But to be honest, I think part of what grates is that when he uses “girls”, it is almost never a situation in which gender is relevant. It would be just as easy to say “check with the rest of the team” or “I had a meeting with [x] department” in the first place. Urgh it’s complicated!
Artist
In university I showed art and sold art. Now art is firmly a hobby. Occasionally friends and family will ask to ‘have’ something or if I could ‘make’ them something. Both those words connoting free. I don’t think they realize they are asking for gifts worth thousands as these are people who have never owned original art before. Sometimes I’ll give them something but lately I’m a bit bitter that this is costing me so much. I know I can always say no, but its still frustrating.
Marie
I just asked a friend about buying some of his photographs. He’s in kind of the same position as you are — photography is his hobby but he’s also a serious artist who shows his work in galleries, etc. His response was exactly what I wanted/expected: “I’ll send you a price list.” Perhaps that would work for you.
Dahlia
Hey ladies!
On the off-chance any of you live in Columbia, SC, I am here for a week for a course and totally on my own. If any of you feel like a mini-meet-up (perhaps dinner or a drink one night?) I would love to connect! I’m from Toronto so taking full advantage of the heat and amazing southern food… loving this city!
New life New Wardrobe
I’m 39 years old and recently left the corporate world to start a new career in the arts. I want my wardrobe to reflect this new life I’m stepping into but I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to buy another suit or “conservative” dress ever again. But I don’t know where to even start looking. I have only one new outfit and when I wear it I get a lot of compliments and am often told I look like a biker chic. (The outfit is black distressed jeans, frye boots, and a basic long sleeve black tshirt.) I need some inspiration and some variety. How do I look artsy/alternative in situations where I do have to dress up? My husband is a lobbyist so I still go to a lot of events with him but I want to stand out – in a good way! I would love your suggestions. Thanks!
Dahlia
This is what I did when I needed to give myself a new wardrobe for a new career:
I walked into a store that I didn’t usually go to, but I knew was hip and popular with my age group.
I found a salesgirl who had really cool style.
I explained to her that I needed to try some new things and get out of my rut, and what sort of general style I was looking for, and tried on literally every single thing she brought me even if I would never in a million years have chosen it myself.
I ended up with a bunch of outfits that I would have never chosen on my own but that looked great and I have worn most of them to death! And now I go back and find her whenever I need something new.
Maybe I just got lucky but it worked for me!