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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 299 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Where do you see your career going in the next 10-20 years and ideally where do you want it to go? I need ideas and I think this group is always doing/reaching for interesting things.

    • Anon

      I would love to shift into something with more meaning. I’m living what I dreamed of in high school and college – policy on the national level – but honestly, I miss the everyday issues that have an immediate impact on people. I fully intend to run for local office when we leave D.C. in a few years and settle somewhere slower paced.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I want a job similar to what I expect to have soon (job hunting after a break for grad school at the moment) and I want to just keep it forever. I’m not the most career-oriented person, but I want to be doing meaningful work, which I was doing before grad school (and I’m going back into the same field). I don’t have a lot of desire to manage or reach director-level. I just want my days to be filled with decent work and then to go home at a reasonable hour to pursue other things.

      • anon

        I very much share your perspective. Would you mind sharing your field? I went to a high strung undergrad followed by a higher strung consulting firm and it’s not just not for me.

        • Anon

          Public policy research! I’d be happy to be a research analyst or researcher (the next level up) basically forever.

      • emeralds

        Right there with ya, Anon. I went to grad school, got the job (rejecting an offer for work/life balance reasons in the process), and I’m good chilling where I’m at for the foreseeable future.

        Other anon, I’m in higher ed admin.

        • Anon

          I got into public policy research through an entry-level job aimed at recent grads at a private sector evaluation company – they do lots of evaluations of government and foundation programs.

    • Anonymous

      Currently in tech sales; would love to gradually switch from direct revenue generation to overall strategy. I think I’m on the right path and am currently gaining the correct experience.

    • Diana Barry

      I currently do estate planning and I think I would like to run my own family office, but I’m not sure how I can do that and still practice law (or even if that’s possible).

    • CountC

      I want to get paid to make big decisions and then make them. It’s infuriating to see the very well paid executives at the top of our organization push the food around the plate while trying to get someone else to make a decision for them because they are so afraid of making the wrong one. OWN IT. BE A LEADER.

      There has been talk of their being a split in my department and one of the areas that would be split off is one I am really, really good at. I am doing everything I can to position myself to head that group whenever/if it happens. If not, I will monitor the other areas of our business for an opening to move up the chain. It happens a lot here, so I know that if I make the right friends, do good work, and impress the right people, I can make it happen.

      If it doesn’t happen here, I will move to another organization in the area where it will!

    • Anon

      I’m a stagnating attorney in biglaw. I’m in a specialized niche practice where the in-house jobs are few and far between and I’m on a reduced billeables requirement (75% time). I’m 42. I expect I’ll get laid off about 3 yrs from now because my firm doesn’t quite have enough work in my area to support me and as a result I’m not gaining the skills to advance. At which point I’ll transition to being a SAHM. Because the jobs that I’ll be willing to commit for (I.e., 9am-6pm) won’t pay enough. I figure if I can work till I’m 45, then that might be sufficient to give my daughters (currently 4 and 6) the proper role model?

      I know this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, but your question inspired me to vent my frustration with my career path.

      • Anonymous

        Op here – I’m an attorney too I get it. Stagnating in government for me. It’s not THAT bad but I can’t do it for 20 more years.

      • Hollis

        I’m the same age as you and have kids around the same age. May I ask what your practice area Is? Are you open to pivoting or moving to a midsized law firm? I started at biglaw, switched to another biglaw, went in-house and am now a partner at a midsized firm and I work about 9 to 6. But I switched practice areas twice. I will tell you that practicing law is not all or nothing – my midsized firm has really great work and a better lifestyle than Biglaw. If you post your niche I’m sure the ladies on this board will provide some good suggestions for moving forward and not feeling stuck.

      • Anonymous

        That’s ridiculous. If you can’t find something else to do that pays “enough” your standards are wrong.

    • Anonymous

      I’d like to become a state court judge. It seems doable and the work would be meaningful and interesting to me. I think I can do this within 3-5 years, longer term I hope to work my way up the court system ladder to a higher level court within my state and then take it from there.

      • Ellen

        I want this too. I want to be a WC judge when mine retires, which should be about the time the manageing partner retires. The trouble is that when the manageing partner retires, I will likely be tapped on the shoulder to become manageing partner, and I will be in a delimna, b/c I will have to choose between being the manageing partner, and makeing 7 figures, or becoming a WC judge and making less then $200K, plus NYS benefits, a law clerk, an office to die for, and a black robe that I would wear in court. My clotheing allowance would be gone (but I would not need one if all I had to wear was a robe), and people will call me “YOUR HONOR”!

        What a change this will be from the days when my boss pinched my tuchus every time I walked past. If I stay, I will have to deal with Frank, who is no where near retirement. He STILL pinches my tuchus, and grabs elsewhere, even tho he is MARRIED. I suppose making alot of money will make up for his sexism, but how can I get a guy to marry me if he finds out that a guy at work is busy pinching my tuchus every day? FOOEY! For now I do not have a choice, but probabley will in about 5 years. Mabye the HIVE will weigh in with sage advise for me. YAY!!!!!!

    • Mineallmine

      I’m moving into the startup world because I’m intrigued by the dynamics and like the idea of being a decision maker. I’m in a niche field, but with a generalist mindset, so that plus my love of science and risk tolerance makes it a good fit for me.

  2. Expensive hobbies

    This question has been on my mind for a while and I figured this might be a good place to ask it. How do you balance expensive hobbies that are important for your health and sanity with charity and other obligations that help others? I am not wealthy, but I am very fortunate to have come from an upper-middle-class background and I have never had the experience of being poor (I’ve been broke, but never poor). As a result, I have spent my life participating in expensive hobbies, the most expensive of which is skiing (which I’ll use for this example). I’ve been financially independent since I graduated college and I’ve always managed to ski a few days each year, even when money was tight in my first jobs, but now that I’m a bit older, there is a bit more money available that I’d like to put into skiing. I’d like to actually go skiing more than a few days each year and buy new gear that I’ve been putting off. However, I don’t contribute much to charity; I maybe give 200-400 dollars a year (not including political donations), which is less than I spent on a new pair of skis last year. I feel like I need to be giving back more, but I also find myself trying to save all of my new “extra” money for myself so I can actually put more time into this sport that I love.

    I know there are other women here who like certain expensive hobbies (horseback riding has come up a lot) so I’m wondering how you balance it; on the one hand, I feel like a tool for choosing my own selfish skiing goals over increasing my charitable contributions when there are so many in need, but on the other, physical activity and wellness is so important for my health and happiness and it’s already been on the back burner for so long. I would love to hear any specific strategies you use and any budget breakdowns that have worked for you.

    • Expensive hobbies

      One thing I forgot to add – skiing is something I may not always be able to do depending on health/injury (I’ve already spent one season totally sidelined), so part of me feels tempted to spend more on it now when I’m fairly young and healthy.

    • Anon

      Does it need to be all or nothing? Why not set up an auto-donation to a favorite charity for an amount that makes you feel good and have it pull from your checking account? I pledge to church (and have my bank automatically send a check on the 15th of every month) just a liiittle bit more than is comfortable – it reminds me every month when I see the withdrawal that I’ve prioritized something that is important to me.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      One thing to consider is that while “physical activity and wellness is so important for [your] health and happiness,” that probably doesn’t *have* to mean skiing, right? It sounds to me like maybe you’re mentally reclassifying “this sport that [you] love” as something you need to do for your health, and feel guilty about that. Or maybe skiing is actually more important to your physical or mental health than I realize! That could certainly be—either way, I don’t think you’ll be able to sort this out comfortably without getting clear on what role skiing plays for you.

      But this balance also depends on whether/how much you’re “giving” besides money. If you volunteer time, that does count towards your obligation to give to others, even though it’s not $$$, and I think it’s okay to decide to shift more of your giving into time if you can so that you have the money for a sport that you love.

      In my own budget, in theory, I give 10% to charity, but in practice I always forget and it just piles up in the bank until I freak out and give a couple hundred dollars to something random. So one of my goals is definitely to get more organized about giving. I also put $20 in the collection at church, which is a number I chose for no better reason than only having 20s with me and then it became a thing.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      My expensive hobby is riding, but I compromise by basically doing the least expensive version of regular riding–I don’t own my own horse (I travel too much for work to justify owning one anyway) and I don’t show. I just ride for fun and take lessons once a week. I don’t know how this translates to other expensive hobbies, but I imagine there are ways to do things cheaper. If you feel guilty about it, can you give time instead of money to charitable things?

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        I own two horses and I show and it is so insanely expensive. (Although I make myself feel better about by adding the horse spending category under “health and fitness” in Mint – I see it as a mental health thing, but tbh some days owning horses is a credit on my mental health and some days they are a debit. :)

        At some point I will scale back to what you’re doing – just taking a lesson on someone else’s horse.

        • Anon

          Do you contribute to charity? No judgment, just curious. I know how much horseback riding can suck you in and how rewarding/worth it it is.

          • Mary Ann Singleton

            I do, but could probably do better (when I don’t have overwhelming vet/farrier bills). I also donate horse items to a therapeutic riding program, and donate my time as much as I can. Also, when I was a cash poor student and really missed riding many owners were super generous and shared their horses with me, so I try to pay it forward the same way now that I have my own horses.

            I seem to donate to charity when I get prompted by a friend who’s fundraising in connection with some activity (marathon, etc) if it’s a charitable organization I trust. (MSK for cancer research is probably the most common, and I’m more than happy to donate to them.) Then at the end of the year I send some checks to Planned Parenthood, the two dog rescues my dogs came from, and another charity on my mind at the time.

      • Horse Crazy

        Same with me – I do it in a cheaper way than many others (riding a friend’s horse currently). And I love the idea of donating your time rather than your money! Sometimes it can be just as or more valuable, especially for local organizations!

      • CountC

        My most expensive hobby is riding, also. I own a horse and board at a show stable, so while I only show once or twice a year (barf at the cost), I am required to ride in four lessons a month which adds to the cost. I also run in trail races, which adds up over the year with entry fees and new shoes.

        I also contribute to charity; however, I contribute more time than money. I volunteer at the food bank, I teach seminars at my local halfway house for formerly incarcerated women re-entering the community, I serve food on holidays sometimes, and I foster animals. I also donate a little bit of money, but my main contribution is time. This works for me because I like to spend my money on my hobbies, but I don’t have a problem carving out time to volunteer.

    • Miss

      I wish I donated more to charity. I usually end up doing lump donations and am surprised when I do my taxes that I didn’t end up donating that much. So one of my goals this year is to get on top of that and donate 10% of my income.

      But I don’t have any guilt about my expensive hobbies. I love skiing and it’s good for my mental health. I’ve never regretted a single cent I spent skiing. I had my previous gear for years before upgrading. I buy a season pass every year and I ski every weekend that the resort is open (absent sickness or conflicts). I take ski trips to different resorts. It’s well within my budget and it’s a priority for me. What I would cut in order to make more donations is the random crap from Target and Amazon that I can’t even remember buying a week later.

      • Miss

        Also my resort is a nonprofit, so especially in bad snow years I feel like I’m supporting an important community resource with my season pass.

    • Senior Attorney

      Wow, this is an interesting question. I haven’t every thought of charitable donations compared to hobbies, although in my most fashiony phases I have been careful not to let my clothes spending exceed my charitable giving. But…

      I’ll be honest — I feel like it’s important to give back financially and I haven’t given as little as $200-400 per year since I started working lo, these many years ago. I agree with the advice to put it on auto-pilot and I also agree with “give ’til it hurts (at least a little).” I don’t know that it needs to relate specifically to hobbies so much as “am I a person who gives to charity, or am I not?” It’s important to me to be the first kind of person, so I make it a priority and then I juggle around what’s left to suit my other priorities, including hobbies and travel and what have you.

      • Nerfmobile

        A few years back, my company introduced a significant charitable contribution matching program – they will match up to $3000 a year. So now I challenge myself to donate enough each year to get the full match. It’s actually still a fairly small percentage of my income, but it’s a good starting point at least.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t feel bad about prioritizing skiing. It’s a great activity and there’s lots of evidence that outdoor physical activity is great for your health. Skiing gets me through the winter. So good for my mental health.

      I find it most meaningful when I connect my charitable giving with things that are important to me. Sometimes that means I’ll cut back on getting the ‘best’ version of the new ski equipment that I want but it doesn’t bother me because every time I use the slightly less expensive stuff, I think about the kid who is enjoying the equipment that I funded with the difference. I contact a local elementary school in a disadvantaged area of my city and offered to fund skates/helmets for two kids every year (public school in Canada – skating lessons are offered (school fundraises to provide) but lesson transport (bus fee) and equipment must be provided by the parents).

      It is also the most helpful if you give regular donations. A $20 monthly donation that recurs automatically is more helpful to a charity then $275 donation once a year because it allows them to financially plan. I also donate monthly (via auto bank deduct) to a larger health charity and an environmental one. You can’t support every cause but pick a few that are meaningful to you and it won’t feel like a sacrifice.

      • Anonymous

        Adding that I used number based on your post. I generally aim for 10% of income after taxes/retirement ( I pay into a pension so no discretion). I know some people budget 10% of gross but I don’t and only feel vaguely guilty about it.

    • Nonprofit employee

      I work in public service doing hard, draining work serving the community for a nonprofit. I make about $33k annually and I can’t afford to take trips or anything like that. I contribute 1% to my retirement and otherwise am barely saving at all. In this context I have decided I am ok with not doing charitable donations. I have so, so little money and my work life is all about serving others. What tiny bit is left at the end of the month I spend on a haircut or a meal with friends, because it truly is mutually exclusive with donating.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I work for a nonprofit, make very little money, and I do good work. That’s my charitable contribution.

      • Expensive hobbies

        That makes perfect sense. You have to take care of yourself first and it’s great you are doing such valuable work in the community. As it happens, my career is also working for the public good (a niche area of public health), but it’s less hands-on/less draining and I feel like I want to do more.

        Thanks all for the great tips so far! I think setting up a recurring donation might be the way to go; the 200-400 I’ve been giving is usually in lump sums at year end and it just hasn’t seemed effective.

      • Anonymous

        This is exactly my approach.

        I’m also in a nonprofit job that requires considerable education and pays a tiny fraction of other fields that require similar levels of training. My career decisions qualify as charitable.

        I’m involved in a very expensive hobby that I love and won’t consider giving up, even though it taxes my budget at times. It provides a great deal of happiness and a counterbalance to my work, and leaves me with a satisfied and well-rounded life.

    • Anonymous

      You are not lighting your money on fire for your hobby though.

      When you ski, you:
      — put gas in your car (people at gas stations like this; they are generally less well off than you)
      — buying lift tickets (people working at ski resorts like this)
      — perhaps eating at the ski resort restaurant (ditto)
      — maybe buying things at a ski shop (or getting your bindings adjusted, skiis waxed, etc.)

      In sort: the $ leaving your wallet goes into the wallet of people generally lower down the food chain from you. Same with horse hobbies.

      If it brings you mere joy, it brings others something more immediately meaningful: a roof over their heads, food on their tables, etc. You’ve let people earn an honest living. I wouldn’t feel bad about it. If you wanted to feel better, donate to the Vail (etc. ) area food bank that people will go to when their seasonal jobs end.

      • Anonymous

        It’s like I don’t feel bad about having a cleaning service.

        2 people spend 2 hours together at my house and do what it would take me 6 hours to do (b/c I’d start organizing or have to tend to a kid or pay a bill or do laundry or something). I need 6 hours of my time back more than the $150; I am sure that they are very happy with the $150 and put it to good and immediate use.

        We’d *all* be worse off if I fired them and spent that time cleaning the house.

        • anne-on

          +1 to this view. I DO NOT subscribe to macro trickle down economics, but I am ALL about spending money in my community in this way – choosing to shop local/supporting small stores/supporting local workers (tree/lawn services, my cleaning crew, etc.).

          • Anon

            The flaw in trickle down theory isn’t that money won’t trickle down. It’s that if you give more money to the top that all of it will trickle down rather than it mostly getting put in the bank. I’m sure you (anne-on) knew this, I’m just stating the obvious to complete the point you were making.

    • Anonymous

      There’s always room in your budget to help others. Idk what you want here? Permission not to give to charity? Not getting it from me.

      • Anony

        That’s how I read this post too. Build it into your budget and that’s it. It’s not charity v skiing. It’s charity v everything.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Everyone has different opinions about how much to spend on charity and there is no real right or wrong answer. I do our household finances and we each have separate small allowance/spending account. At the end of the year when my husband saw what “we” donated to charity, his response was “if we can afford to donate that much, it’s time we get raises in our personal accounts.” I think there is a middle balance and we are all allowed a vice. Yours is skiing. Someone else’s might be dinners out. There are also a lot of people that wouldn’t give anything to charity ever so you are at least way ahead of the game by even thinking about it. You can vow to give more when you make more. This is really a question that only you could figure out. I don’t think I’d be comfortable taking our charity money, buying a season pass and new skis and not donating at all for a year. At the same time though, why shouldn’t I? I work hard for my money and if I want to splurge on something that makes me happy, whose to begrudge me of that? (Devil’s Advocate argument there.) I think giving should be in line with your budget and only you can decide what is a reasonable number of ski days for your budget.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        PS: I have trouble spending on myself so I appreciate your question. Next time I think nah, I can’t spend $70 on a lift ticket, I’ll remind myself that if a new tragedy happened tomorrow, I’d probably be making a $100 donation so I really can afford a lift ticket (and probably the donation too) I’m just not good at prioritizing money to my own pocket.

    • cbackson

      I think I’d put this back on you a bit and ask this: why is it these two things, specifically, that you see as opposed to one another? This reads almost as if you’re saying “I don’t donate to charity because I ski.” But is that really true? Is it the case that you can’t afford to both donate to charity and ski? That’s an honest question.

      Here’s how I budget: I assume charitable giving will be 10% of my after-tax income. I add charitable giving together with all my other non-negotiable expenses (mortgage, retirement savings, utility bills, etc.). The money that’s left over after that is what I use to budget for hobbies, vacations, etc. If you handled your budget the same way, would you still be able to ski in the way that you want to? If the answer is no, how do you feel about that?

      In the end, if you decide you’re going to prioritize skiing over giving to charity, that’s your choice. But it seems like you should first explore whether this is an actual trade-off or whether it’s that you just haven’t been focused on charitable giving and thus it hasn’t happened.

      • Expensive hobbies

        I do donate to charity – just not as much as I’d like. To give a simplified example, last year I had $1000 “extra” dollars after expenses, savings, etc. I spent $300 on charitable contributions at the end of the year and $700 on a four-day ski trip. I could not have done the trip with less money than that because skiing is insanely expensive and I already try to keep it as frugal as humanly possible. However, I love it, every day of the trip made me happy, and I spent quality time with my family members who love it too. Upping last year’s charitable contribution to $500 would have prevented me from going on this trip. I’m finding it hard to find a balance because on paper, $300 to charity isn’t much, but increasing it would prevent me from spending four days on an activity I’d love to be spending 50 days on.

        • Never too many shoes...

          People just love to make other people feel guilty. If the skiing made you that happy, then I firmly support your prioritizing that over upping your charitable donations.

          • Anonymous

            She literally asked for opinions. No one is going around loving to make her feel anything.

        • Mineallmine

          Does it have to be skiing you cut back on to increase your charitable giving? I’d rather cut back on something that doesn’t bring me as much joy, whether it’s avocado toast, new phones or whatever is currently being blamed for the erosion of spending power.

          • Expensive hobbies

            Yeah, I already do cut back on all the other stuff – rarely go out, rarely buy new clothes, always shop sales, etc. I do spend some on travel, though. I wouldn’t cut my hobbies if I didn’t have to.

          • Ellen

            I am NOT sure where this get’s me. I do NOT ski, have no hobbies, and give almost all of my clotheing to Goodwill, as well as the payroll deduction’s the manageing partner takes out of my salary for the Untied Way. My dad says that it is a good thing I make money b/c I wind up giveing so much of it away. I think that is a good thing b/c not everyone is as fortunate as we are, as professional women, either in law or in busness, duly admitted to the bar or whatever MBAs are admitted, as the case maybe.

            So we can all sleep a little sounder at night knowing we are doing what we can to make sure that society benefit’s from our good natured benefolence. I applaud all in the HIVE who follow our lead and encourage others who do not to do what they can to improve society. In that way, we can all be better off! YAY!!!!!

    • Anon

      There are lots of different ways to give to charity. My husband and I plan to leave the bulk of our estate to charity, and barring a disaster or health crisis (in which case we would be glad we had kept the money for ourselves), it will be sizeable. We will pay for our children’s education and possibly help them out with things like down payments if we can afford it, but we don’t see any reason why they should become insta-millionaires upon our deaths. We don’t give very much to charity on an annual basis (like you, a few hundred dollars) because we plan to give so much through our estate.

      • Anonymous

        I think this is still a little bit…. weak of an argument.

        If you are as wealthy as you imply, your yearly giving is so low. Who knows that will happen before you and your husband’s death? Remarriage… divorce…changes of heart….issues with children.

        You can be a little more generous without putting your long term security at risk.

        • La Croix

          Anyone reading whi does fundraising, though, should take it as a helpful reminder. Respectfully courting estate donations can be one of the most effective but overlooked revenue streams for a nonprofit.

        • Anon

          Our incomes aren’t actually that high compared to many people here, we just live in a super LCOL area and don’t have expensive hobbies so we are able to save a ton. If we were to divorce or have a serious issue with a child, I would get through the initial crisis and then start trying to build up my nest egg again before indulging in luxuries. The most likely scenario in which we won’t have a big estate is if one of us needs many years of 24/7 care (e.g., or dementia), which can easily burn through millions of dollars, but in that case I’d be glad we had kept the money.

    • Anon

      If you feel like you need to give back to charity more, then do it. If you like to ski more, do that. Apparently I am in the minority here in that I feel no obligation to give to charity, so this trade off you’re describing would never cross my mind. I give a token donation to the schools about which I care (because donation percentages help them fund raise), and when I clean out my closet I donate the decent things to whatever organization will come pick them up, but that is about it. And I don’t feel bad about it. If giving to charity is something that you like to do, makes you feel like you’re contributing to the world, etc., balance the happiness you get from skiing with the happiness you get from donating and allocate funds accordingly.

      • Anon

        Can you talk more about this? I’d be interested to see your reasoning. I’m kind of in the same boat – I want to do good work and be a good person, but I just don’t feel a strong pull to give to charity. Then I feel bad about it because everyone here apparently does.

          • Anon

            By doing important work, by spending money thoughtfully, by being politically informed and active, by mentoring junior colleagues, by helping out friends and family when they need it…

          • Anonymous

            IMO not all charities are the same.

            NYU Law has something like alumni fugitive tracking. I will never give them $. I know they are a 501c3, but it’s not like they need $ like my local food bank does. Or something like the Fresh Air Fund, that sends kids to camp (I never went to camp but got lots of nature in the summer, I do like things like that).

          • Gail the Goldfish

            I lol’d at NYU Law, because it’s so true. They just tried calling me today, or at least I assume the New York number I ignored was them. Because it’s always them. No matter how many times I move or tell them I’m not giving them money, they still find me.

          • Anonymous

            Because there are so many other ways to be a good person besides writing a check.

        • Anonymous

          You don’t have a heart for anything? The homeless, rescued animals, funding research for a disease a loved one has/had, helping lower income kids participate in sports or advanced learning camps, the elderly …? To whom much is given, much is expected or however that goes. It’s the price you (should want to) pay for getting to live a great life.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yeah, I agree with this.

            Some years ago we had a discussion about this at lunch with my (very senior, highly compensated) colleagues and the prevailing sentiment was “I am my own favorite charity.” It takes a lot to shock me, but I was well and truly shocked at that attitude.

          • Anonymous

            SA – I would have been shocked too… and also, sadly, not shocked. It’s responses like that that reflect a lack of empathy that is really hurting society right now.

          • Anonymous

            I’m going to ask you to be real for a second. Do you think that one person giving a thousand dollars to any charity is going to alleviate homelessness, or homeless pets, or hunger, or, or, or?

            The answer is no. Even several thousand people giving one thousand dollars each won’t solve or really even ease those problems. Those are intractable societal issues for which there is no easy or cheap solution. I will also add, there are proven methodologies for solving things like homelessness, but most nonprofits working with the homeless refuse to utilize them. What really solves homelessness is putting people in homes provided or supported by the government. That’s the truth, you can look it up. When you support a soup kitchen or a homeless services agency, you are enabling them to continue kicking the can down the road on solving the problem. I quit donating to homeless causes for that reason.

        • Anon at 3:40

          I’m sure I will be excoriated by everyone here, but it just isn’t something I feel strongly about. I pay a ton in taxes, and I already think the government does too much. If I paid 10% less in taxes maybe I would consider paying 10% more to charity? I don’t know. I work hard and consider myself a productive member of society. I spend money in my community and frankly outside my community, and that gives other jobs (trickle-down economics). I want to set my family up for success. I mentor others in my life, be they friends or junior colleagues. I am honest to a fault and don’t lie, cheat or steal. I do pro bono legal work for causes I care about. I guess I don’t have this sense of guilt, community or whatever it is that apparently should compel me to think I need to hand over more of the money I worked really hard to earn.

          • Anonymous

            I get the render unto Ceasar, but I think that when that was said, God and Ceasar both wanted 10%. God is still holding steady at 10% but Ceasar won’t get his hand out of my pocket. And then in some circles, it’s do you tithe pre-taxes or post-taxes.

            I imagine that as my needs go down, my giving will go up. [So when I am old and don’t have a house payment and my kids are grown, I should be able to give more AND volunteer more.]

            But when I think of giving, I don’t think of giving to well-heeled “charities” (NYU Law will always come to mind) but will give it to things like the free dental clinic in my city and the food bank and literacy programs and maybe the community college and the retirement home for retired firefighters.

          • Anon

            I always laugh at the phrase “hard earned money.” It’s usually said by people with white collar jobs in temperature controlled environments with comfy ergonomic desks and a healthy salary. The people earning minimum wage that often benefit from some of the charities one might give to also work hard for their money but it is not even close to enough to meet their needs.

          • Anonia

            Giving to charity isn’t just about giving money. Mentoring and pro bono work is also giving and contributing to the greater good. You are helping others, with your other talents. Charities don’t just need money. They also need people to care enough to give time and energy. Helping individual people around you is also an important way of giving back. Money isn’t everything. And I say that as someone who makes very little, and would love to make more. I don’t have money to give, but at this stage in my life, I have time and the experience needed to help others

      • Anonymous

        I have to confess I don’t feel strongly about giving to charity either. We have a fairly high income and two children–between retirement, daycare, college savings, and life expenses, there isn’t a huge sum of money I have nothing to do with. I can’t imagine giving 10%, though of course I am supportive of those who do. We probably donate less than $500 a year, all on a total whim. I don’t spend any time thinking of it or feeling at all.

      • cheetah

        I also don’t feel compelled to give much to charity. I doubt I’ve ever given more than $150 in a single year. I work in public service at a below market salary for my particular occupation, and a big part of my work is passing new laws that help impact a huge disadvantaged population in my state. When my student loans are gone, then maybe I’ll change my mind, but for now, I’ll stick with $20 donations here and there with no guilt.

        • Anonymous

          I think this is way different than some of the above posters who make high incomes, presumably in the private sector, have plenty to spare, and don’t feel called to give to charity, though. I wouldn’t feel guilty in your shoes.

        • Anonymous

          What you’re doing is way more valuable than the people who are here breaking their arms patting themselves on the back for giving $5k a year to charity and marking that down as their good deed for the year. For things like poverty, homelessness, education, elder care, etc. – those are systemic problems that need to be fixed at the policy level. I don’t give much money to charity. I do spend a lot of time calling and emailing my city councilors, county commissioners, state representatives and Congressional representatives to advocate for change. Most so-called “advocacy” organizations are useless (unless they’re really willing to get in there and sue, like the ACLU or the NRDC, which I do still throw a few bucks at every now and then). It makes people feel good, and like they really did something, to write a donation check. But more than money, all of us have a voice and that voice, added to the voice of others, can change things. And no, it is not necessary to give money to nonprofits for voices to be amplified or concentrated.

      • Anonymous

        Candidly, if you said this to me in person and you were a friend, I would cut you out of my life. Your position is antithetical to everything I believe about being a decent human being.

        • cheetah

          Really, even if you knew your friend worked in government or some low paying field? Even if they found some other way to positively contribute to society? I find it hard to believe you’d unfriend someone like a teacher who volunteered on the weekends because they don’t donate enough for your liking.

          • cheetah

            Hit reply too soon, but I object to the idea that the only way to be a decent human being is to donate money to charity.

          • Anon 5:41

            IME teachers and other people working in, say, the nonprofit sector DO engage in charitable giving. People whose finances are very tight often give of their time or energy in other ways. I am not saying that my working-class friends who sometimes struggle to make rent should donate more. I’m talking very specifically about people who have money and do not see the value in making charitable contributions.

            For me, that would be a personal relationship deal breaker.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t think that is what she is saying at all. She is talking about people making big salaries, private sector, and don’t feel compelled to give (whether that be time or money)

        • Anon

          Really? There are plenty of ways to be a decent human being that don’t involve monetary donations. I have no idea if my friends give to charity and cannot picture cutting them out of my life unceremoniously over it. That’s totally foreign to me.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know…angry confrontative people don’t usually have a lot of friends to begin with? So this is one of those “stronger in word than in deed” threats IMO…

          • Anon 5:41 from yesterday

            I have a lot of friends, actually, most of them deeply devoted to contributing to making the world a better place as vocation and avocation. I can’t even imagine someone I care about enough to call them a friend saying that s/he doesn’t see the point of charitable giving. First, so ignorant. Second, so unbelievably selfish.

            Again, my friends who are struggling financially might not be *able* to do a lot of charitable giving, but they would not fail to understand how it works.

        • Anony

          Hahaha no anonymous at 10:04, we mean it. If you have any money to spare (which is, of course, an if) then you should be giving. I could not take anyone seriously who earns six figures and doesn’t give any money, or like one of the posters above said, “don’t even give it a thought”. That’s disgusting.

          If you’re barely scraping by or doing work that is by nature giving (teaching, working non profit, pro bono, whatever) then this doesn’t apply.

          • Anon

            A family of four in San Francisco making $100K can qualify for affordable housing benefits from the government. It’s never as cut and dried as “I’d instantly dump a six-figure friend for not making a token feel-good donation,” no matter what you say. You probably also have friends making six figures who are struggling to pay for elder care or medical expenses and who have to watch their finances VERY carefully, even if they’re not technically “scraping by.” I guess they can rely on other friends for sympathy and listening though.

        • Anonymous

          I’m actually not sure how I feel about giving to charity. I feel like it helps people sleep at night, but it is also clearly not solving the world’s problems?

          • Kale

            I just can’t with this statement “I feel like it helps people sleep at night, but it is also clearly not solving the world’s problems?” Do you feel like *not* giving does more to solve the world’s problems?!?

            Very much spoken by someone who is truly ignorant in my view. Try attending a meeting or reading any literature provided “Doctors without Borders” or “World Concern” or “World Vision.” You will learn that these organizations literally pay for the installation of wells, toilets, and seeds for crops in very poor, rural areas of the world. You will read the stories about families whose lives and homes were ravaged by wars or famines.

            I also cannot imagine being friends with anyone who cares so much about their things and their lifestyles (and are so ignorant regarding the side of the world where people are hungry everyday) that they cannot give something (money or time) to those who are in need. Seriously, use your fancy travel budget and try visiting rural areas of India or the Philippines and your perspective will change.

          • Anonymous

            I realize it’s very hard to see the real world from up on your high horse. But the “nonprofit-industrial complex” absolutely is a thing and if you don’t know about it – I’m sorry for your ignorance. Maybe if you spent a little less time being judgmental and a little more time educating yourself, you wouldn’t come across as having more self-righteousness than knowledge. Bless your heart. Unless, of course, you work for a non-profit and the industrial complex is directly benefiting you…then I can understand your vehemence. Changing the paradigm certainly wouldn’t help you, now would it?

        • biglawanon

          My ex and I broke up because he is of this opinion. People who feel this way have generally never been poor and have a financial safety net. Some of us really don’t have the luxury of risking my family’s financial security to give to charity. We would like to pay off debts, save for a home, save for my kids college, use money to take care of/save to take care of aging parents, and save for retirement so my kids don’t have to support us like we have to support our parents. If someone would “de-friend” me over that, that is fine with me.

    • Anon

      I appreciate you asking this question in this way, and my first inclination is to parse out “contributions” two ways – in both terms of money give and time contributed. I “give” $1000 a year in pure donations – probably a low figure compared to income. I have auto-pay set up to donate to some specific scholarship programs at my alma mater, I give politically, attend a gala or two for national-level charities I support, and I give more randomly to local charities.

      For hobbies, I cycle and golf in addition to my athletic club membership, and have other winter hobbies that take some capital. Then there is travel, which I consider a hobby. Depending on the year, this figure likely sits between 7 and 12k. I need to do these things (perhaps not all of them all the time, but if I wasn’t traveling I’d go stir crazy, if I wasn’t golfing I wouldn’t have that dedicated time of mental focus and clarity).

      I both prefer and take more satisfaction in making contributions in other ways. I volunteer weekly at a local charity prepping meals (just shy of 100 hours a year). I spend time mentoring students from my alma mater in my industry. I do the MS150 ride and typically raise $1500+ for the National MS Society. I donate excess produce from my garden to the local food shelf. I encourage friends to put together bags of clothes for Dress for Success and offer to drop them off if they can’t make time. Do you volunteer? Perhaps the contribution you’re yearning to make isn’t monetary, and that’s more than ok.

    • Mineallmine

      I can’t put a price on the mental and physical wellbeing my expensive sport gives me, and the social aspect is huge, too. It’s by far the most expensive discretionary expense I have, but it’s not a luxury to me. I cut back on other things to meet my spending goals, of which charity is one. It shouldn’t be skiing vs charity, but instead look at cutting back elsewhere if you want to free up resources for charity.

    • Anonymous

      I have a couple of semi-expensive hobbies (riding, Crossfit). I offset them by volunteering a significant amount of time as a legal advisor to a high school mock trial team, and I also have monthly contributions to a couple of non-profits on auto-debit.

      The volunteering is what really makes me feel ok about what I spend elsewhere on hobbies, because I build ongoing relationships with the kids I work with and often end up serving as a reference and resource for them even after they graduate from the program (I just helped two write their law school admissions essays, for example).

    • Fishie

      Skiing is expensive but if you don’t have funds to give to charity, perhaps you can give time? Volunteer, sit on a board, plan a fundraiser. Maybe up your donations a bit if you can, but your time is valuable too.

    • Hildy

      It’s a complicated question, but one worth asking – I think focusing on how you choose to live your life matters a lot as well. At this point our most expensive ‘hobby’ (if you can call it that) is our dog – vet bills plus a daily $30 walk really add up. But he’s a rescue (and one that nobody else wanted for that matter), and so this is in line with our values. We do donate a large amount to charity every year though – we pick one that’s really important to us and give in one lump sum. We choose an environmental charity and I also try really hard to live with values that line up with this – we’ve cut way back on travel that requires flying (and have had lovely, relaxing vacations as a result), try to buy used and think really hard about purchases we make (I’ve barely bought any clothes for the last couple years), compost, rarely get takeout (oh god, the sheer amount of plastic from one meal), volunteer at our kiddo’s preschool by planting a garden with the kids there. We make a substantial amount of money, but I’ve found that I’m much happier and able to feel like we’re living our values if we live a much simpler life. I think it’s really important for our children to see us making these choices as well, and it’s definitely rubbed off on them. Plus, the amount of money we’ve saved because of this is crazy. It’s weird to post on this site which values consumption so much, but I do value smart women and these are the comments I enjoy reading.

  3. lip balm

    Looking for recommendations. I have perpetually chapped lips and very little seems to help no matter if I apply several times a day. Any product or other recommendations? It is worse during winter but it is a year round issue.

    • Anon

      Dr. Lipp Miracle Balm. It used to be called n*pp1e balm (trying to avoid moderation), probably because it is all or almost all lanolin.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 also, add a lip scrub. I use one from Lush Cosmetics. You’ll LOVE it.

    • Cookbooks

      It’s on the pricey side for something so small, but Drunk Elephant Lippe Balm is great. I regularly use at night before bed, and it’s done wonders for my chapped, dry lips.

    • Miz Swizz

      Burt’s Bees Pink Grapefruit lip balm. I like the light scent, it’s hydrating and it doesn’t leave a weird residue on my lips. It’s far superior to the original mint one, imho.

      • EM84

        Second Burt’s Bees. I tried it once and never looked back. I like the original, honey, black vanilla, grapefruit… well, nearly all of their SKUs. I make sure that I always have one at hand, so I keep one in each bathroom, in makeup bag, in my car, in my office desk drawer and one in each handbag I use during the season. The balm works far better than anything else I have tried so far (and I used to work for a global cosmetics company and have probably tested all the balms out there).

    • Sam

      Aquaphor has a lip treatment in a small tube to directly apply on lips, it is very healing on cuts especially when used overnight.
      For daily use, I use Fresh Sugar tinted lip butter, Korres tinted lip butter and (occasionally when I need more color) Bite Beauty (FDA approved food grade ingredients). Other lip products make my lips peel, they are very sensitive.

    • Anonymous

      I have dry, chapped, flaking lips and live in a harsh, cold environment. Needless to say, I have tried a ton of lip balms. Dr. Dan’s cortibalm is very good as is O’Keeffe’s lip repair.

    • Carmex

      I swear by it. I keep some in my purse, some on my vanity to apply before bed, and some in my desk in my office. If my lips are ever dry (because I ran out) I scrub my lips with coconut oil and sugar.

    • Leah

      Qtica Intense Lip Repair Balm. It’s thick and pasty white, so I only wear it to bed. It was made for tanning salons to soothe burned lips, so it’s very thick and rich. Two nights of wearing it to sleep, and all the peeling is gone.

    • Anonymous

      Neutrogena Norwegian formula. It’s the only lip balm that doesn’t make me have to keep reapplying/make me addicted to it.

  4. Isabella the She-Wolf

    Awkward moment of the day: g00gling technical software and getting a (apparently prolific) twilight fanfiction author instead. Did not see that one coming!

  5. Housecounsel

    “I’ve been broke, but never poor.” I’ve never heard anyone put it that way before, but it makes perfect sense to me and I can relate.

    • Ellen

      I do NOT understand this. If you are broke you have NO money at all. Mabye they are talking about things that are NOT monetary, like having friends? That would make sense. Kat, I love espadrilles, but these UGGS are to expensive! I am going to see my Grandma Leyeh also this weekend, b/c she is comeing up to Rosas with us. I hope the HIVE has a great weekend. I will try and check in from my iPhone. YAY!!

  6. Car Buying

    I’m going to be buying my first car in a few months! Any tips on what to look out for? I’m definitely buying used and have around 9k to put down on it.

    • Anon

      You don’t necessarily need to buy used. With the incentives many manufacturers offer and 0% financing, sometimes it honestly can work out better to buy new. Run the numbers and see.

      Also, car dealers are just humans. If you go to a well known dealer in your area, your salesman is very likely to be just a regular human doing his job, not some scary caricature out to get you. When you make an offer, yes, of course, knock a few thousand off, but don’t assume you have to play hard ball in order to get a good deal. Know in your head what you’re willing to pay, come in a bit below that, and you’ll arrive where you need to. (And while you’re negotiating, yes, they really do need to “go in the back and ask the manager” to get approval on any offer.)

      • Horse Crazy

        +1 on not necessarily buying used. A couple of years ago, I bought my first brand new car, although I went in with the mindset of buying a used one. I was looking at used cars at dealerships, and then started looking at the new ones, and realized I could spend just a little more and get a brand new one, with nobody’s problems. I’ve had it for two and a half years, and I’ve only done routine maintenance on it, which has been so nice. Just food for thought.

        Also, this is great advice for working with car salesmen.

        • anon

          You can get the best of both worlds by buying a very slightly used car. The dealer models with 5K miles on them don’t present “other people’s problems” and you save a huge percentage off the sticker price relative to the decrease in actual use value.

      • SC

        I’d keep your guard up on the salesmen. DH and I bought a new car a few years ago. Once we decided what we wanted, we went to our local dealership. We knew what we wanted to pay. We asked the salesperson, who seemed (and probably was) nice, to give us a price. He said he had to go to the back and talk to his manager. Thirty minutes later, he came back with a monthly payment. We told him we weren’t interested in negotiating the financing and asked again for a price. He said he had to go to the back and talk to his manager. Forty-five minutes later, he came back with a monthly payment. We walked out.

        We negotiated a price over the phone with a dealership an hour away and picked up our car later that week. So my advice is, know what you’re willing to pay and be willing to call or go to multiple dealerships in your area until you find someone willing to negotiate.

        Also, I refuse to even get my car serviced at the first place and drive an extra 15 minutes to a dealership if I need any maintenance or repairs on the car.

    • Scilady

      If you are buying used – go for it! I think the best option for used category if you are a relatively inexperienced car owner is a certified pre-owned car from a dealer. These have been inspect and come with a warranty, so you can feel a little more comfortable about what you are buying/ that you won’t get a lemon. Check various dealers, as it can be great to shop around.

      It might be worth it to check Consumer Reports or similar magazines to see what the best used car is in your price range. Also consult Kelly Blue Book for values of cars (used and otherwise) in various conditions (new, good, poor).

      In general, be firm and willing to walk away. Some cars salespeople are great, some are not at all. Remember you have the power and you can control things! Good luck.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      If you can, buy a certified pre-owned car. You get a warranty but you don’t take the massive depreciation hit on a new car.

      Ask the dealer what the “out the door” price is.

    • CorporateInCarhartt

      Study Consumer Reports data on reliability. Worth buying an online subscription for a month, probably. I like CR for all things, but especially for car reliability (although their data also includes things like owner satisfaction, etc.).

      • Aunt Jamesina

        You may not even need to subscribe, your public library may also have a subscription. Mine has the digital version so you can view it by just logging in!

    • Anon

      Check out options for buying a used car online. We did this through Beepi (now defunct) and had a decent experience. There were a few hiccups, but nothing compared to what I’ve heard from others who went through dealers.

    • biglawanon

      Buying CPO is the way to go. Chiming in to add that you may not need (or want) to put anything down. The last car I bought I put zero down and got 0.9% financing on a 5 year loan.

    • Anon

      Take it to a mechanic you trust and pay them to do a full pre-purchase inspection. I am a solid amateur mechanic (can replace most anything not requiring special equipment), but the hour of my mechanic’s time was worth every cent.

      Before he gave the thumbs-up to the car I have (which has been a workhorse), he nixed a car within five minutes of putting it up on the lift.

      • anonshmanon

        same experience here. I was going through craigslist, and the first option was from a slightly shady flipper. My mechanic only looked at it 5 mins and told me to keep looking (didn’t charge even!). He then thoroughly inspected the second one and I’ve been happy with it. It cost about 100$.
        Even if you go to a dealer, taking the car for an inspection is worth it. If the dealer tries to talk you out of it, that is a red flag.

        • Anon

          I bought mine at a very reputable dealer, but used cars have quirks, have been maintained differently, etc.

    • Threadjack on Car Buying

      Any recommendations for a sedan (commuting car) to buy either new or certified used?
      Criteria:

      Good gas mileage
      Decent clearance (see, steep curbs and driveway)
      DH would love manual transmission, but I don’t want to pay extra for it
      Less than $10k ideal

      • ToS

        For the clearance and manual transmission, there are some older Honda CRVs that will run past 200K with regular oil changes that you might be able to get for that price. Mine was a awesome…as a 2001 with all wheel drive for our steep driveway in the snow. Consumer Reports helped me narrow for the make & model. Maybe it will help you with the clearance? I used the advanced settings on cars o’ com for FSBO prospects. Be ready to move That Day if it’s a solid opportunity.

        When that beloved car faded (it never actually died, it had 230K miles on it and still ran when I donated) I got a Subaru Crosstrek (manual) via Car Max, with a sales rep that knew how to use the database to ship in my car. Their finance rate beat what my credit union had on offer, which was like 2% for a used car.

        Good luck!

    • Anon

      Don’t necessarily buy used- go on the last day of the month. I was able to get a brand new car cheaper than a used car because of the incentives offered to the dealer by the manufacturer for selling the new car. I also was a first time buyer that was able to get a zero percent interest loan. They are literally desperate on the last day of the month because they get huge incentives from the manufacturer for meeting their quotas.

    • Anonymous

      Agree with going certified pre-owned – my father may be a mechanic, but I am pretty useless when it comes to cars, so it was a comfort that I wanted to have. I got a great deal on a certified pre-owned Subaru Crosstrek that had been one of the dealer’s loaner car. It was only 1 year old, in perfect condition, and had less than 6,000 miles on it. From what I’ve been told, Subaru makes their dealerships replace their loaner cars pretty regularly, so it was fairly common to find used loaners for sale and they almost always had less mileage than other used options.

      I test drove and did a lot of research until I found the model I wanted, knew the price that I wanted to pay, and then looked at cars.com and local dealership sites religiously – and when the right one was posted, I jumped at it the same day (good thing too, because 2 people tried to buy it the next day). 2 years in and I still love it.

  7. Anon

    I live in a condo building that allows residents and tenants to have cats but not dogs. I’d like to approach the condo board about reconsidering this rule. Has anyone lived in a condo building that allows dogs? What were some of the challenges your board had to deal with and how did they handle them? For example, someone has a dog that barks a lot inside the unit, a dog goes to the bathroom in a common area, etc. I’d like to anticipate what concerns people might raise and am curious about how different buildings have handled these issues.

    • Anonymous

      Issues:

      Noise (huge!!!)

      Aggression / needing to leash in common areas (someone is always bad about this)

      Pet waste (a condo near us gets samples from pets and uses some pet DNA test on pet waste offenders (or so they say, maybe it just scares people straight))

      Many places have weight limits (so no docile newfoundland but a million ankle-biting mean little dogs)

    • Just Say No

      Ugh. Just no. My building allows dogs. A neighbor has a dog that literally barks all day from the time they leave for work until they get home at night, which could be midnight or later. Poor animal!!

      When the weather is bad, pet owners let their dogs do their business in the hallways and on the stairwell — literal feces and urine everywhere because the owners are too lazy and don’t care about common areas. The worst! Someone is going to slip in a puddle of urine and fall down the cement stairs! The hallways are carpeted and that’s also a terrible mess. Even tenants who do take their dogs outside let them go right in front of the entrances/exits and often off-leash so the tenant doesn’t have to step outside in the snow.

      Finally, tenants don’t leash their dogs in common areas.

      If you are thinking you’d be a good pet owner, I’m sure you would. BUT be prepared that your neighbors, totally otherwise normal seeming people, will not be. And building management can only clean the carpets so often, send out warning emails, go through the whole eviction process with limited effectiveness.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve lived in many apartment buildings with dogs and I’ve never experienced someone letting their dog go in the hallways and stairwells.

        • cbackson

          +1 I live in a condo building that allows up to two dogs per unit of 30 pounds each, and we don’t have those problems. And we have about a million dogs in the building. Our condo association will fine you for excessive barking and letting an animal go any place other than the designated pet-relief areas, but it’s never been an issue – I’ve witnessed a few pee accidents in elevators with a new puppy or senior dog, but the owner always very promptly cleaned it up. Note that we do have security cameras everywhere, so there’s a pretty broad ability for management to see what’s going on.

          We have two poop bag dispensers in the pet relief area and handiwipe dispensers by all the elevators, which is nice (both for clean-up and for wiping dirt off doggy paws before entering the elevator).

          The only issue we have had to deal with is dog aggression. If a complaint is made to management, you have one opportunity to resolve it, unless there was biting. We’re zero-tolerance on biting (whether dog on human or dog on dog), and the building has made residents rehome a dog before for this reason.

        • Anon

          Same here – but the doggy area in my old apartment building was a biohazard even though it was washed out regularly. Now I walk by a giant new construction that allows dogs every day and have to hold my breath. The front of the building smells worse than the Powell BART station.

      • Anonymous

        And that’s if there are renters. If it’s a condo and you own, you are really stuck in a bad situation.

      • Just Say No

        IDK why this is happening in our bldg. This is near a major city in an area where almost all bldgs are apartments or condos, yet it’s somehow very popular to own dogs here. I think people have lost all sense of what it’s like to have actual outdoor areas and what dogs need.

      • Linda from HR

        My friends have a young pit bull. He really is a sweet pup when he warms up to you, but oh boy does he bark. I’ve felt especially bad for their neighbors on nights like New Years Eve and the night of the Superbowl when he got super overwhelmed with all the people there and he seemed to bark and howl incessantly. I also felt bad for the dog though, and his owners who are trying their best. It’s a tough spot to be in, but I don’t blame anyone for not wanting dogs in their building.

      • S in Chicago

        My condo building had dogs and other than walking in the door at the same time, I almost never saw them. I didn’t experience anything like what folks here are describing. The only “rule” I remember was a weight limit and that the dog needed to enter and exit the building from the back (was a parking lot while front of building was a beautifully landscaped garden). FWIW, the dog option was one of the reasons I purchased there. I didn’t have a dog. But I knew I wanted the option and I also didn’t want to narrow prospective buyers–it was in Oak Park, which is sort of a city-like suburb of Chicago with a ton of dog folks. Most other buildings in the area allowed dogs. I don’t know if I would have felt the same in a setting with renters. I don’t think renters tend to have as much respect for common areas (at least that has been my personal experience and among my small group of friends). Noise could be an issue–maybe I was just lucky the building had pretty thick walls. I also had my balcony door open a lot though and don’t remember hearing anything from others’ patios. Crying baby beneath me with parents that argued constantly but that’s a whole ‘nother story…

    • Anonymous

      1) Barking (I understand that dogs bark and condos are noisy, but some dogs are out of control with the barking)
      2) Unleashed dogs running around
      3) Dogs that pose a threat to cats (if you can walk your dog on a leash, I should be able to walk my cat on a leash without your dog losing its mind and trying to kill my cat!)
      4) Cleaning up/having to watch your step or stay off the grass because dogs went all over it and no one picks up

      • Anonymous

        omg do you walk your cat on a leash? That’s awesome! I’ve never seen and now I really want to see a cat out for a stroll

        • trefoil

          Before we had a house, my husband used to walk the cat on a leash. The cat was super freaked out by alll the sky. Now he goes outside unsupervised.

        • Anonymous

          Thank you for responding that way! Some people thinks it is nuts. My cats are indoor cats, but I wanted them to have enough experience of the outside world that they wouldn’t completely panic if they ever ended up outside for some reason. Only one of my two cats will walk on a leash properly, but he loves it (asks to have his harness put on, asks to go out). I’ve actually run into some more exotic leashed animals on our walks (including a rabbit and a ferret).

        • Leah

          We take our cats outside on harness, but we keep them on unpaved areas to protect their paw pads from the heat and debris. My neighbor has a Bengal that tolerates little booties, so she jogs on the street with him.

          • Anonymous

            Interesting. My cat will only walk on the sidewalk and dislikes grass. But he is a little picky about weather. He does like to jog along.

    • Anon

      I went to tour an apartment building recently and there was dog crap everywhere in the common garden/walkway area (despite there being waste bags available at dispensers and tons of signs saying to clean up after your dog) and we heard 3-4 dogs barking in the 20 minutes we looked at a unit. For some reason, it seems that a lot of dog owners don’t respect common space and courtesy in apartment buildings. I can’t even fathom leaving my pet’s waste in the middle of a heavily trafficked sidewalk – I just don’t get how that could even happen. However, I seem to be in the minority there.

    • Anonymous

      So I live in a dog friendly building and have never lived in any other kind, even though I haven’t always had a dog. I have never experienced anything of the sort described above and that goes for both rental buildings I’ve lived in, building where there was a combination of renters and owners and mostly owner occupied buildings. Honestly, I can see why someone might not invest in window treatments or landscaping for their rental, I don5 see how being somewhere for a year vs. potential eternity makes you want to let your dog crap in your common areas. Some people might just be d*cks, but not because they are renting.

      OP, some additional talking points to consider: will allowing dogs affect insurance? Will it make the building more popular? This last can cut both ways because dog friendly building in non dog friendly areas may attract a disproportionate share of dog owners which will be more difficult to maintain. What about charging a deposit or additional fee to have a dog? A friend lives in a rental building where having a dog or cat requires a $500 deposit and an extra $50 in rent/mo. Maybe some kind of pet fee would make this a more attractive proposition? Also, some buildings have size weight restrictions, whereas others have breed ones. My nasty dog experiences have been with ‘good’ breeds only but this may be one way to address concerns.

    • Chicago anon

      I don’t really mind dogs, but don’t want one. Here is what I have seen though, since you asked (fancy Chicago high rise)

      – more wear and tear to common areas
      – also can really wear your condo, which can really affect the resale (this happend to the unit down the hall- it was trashed and sold for a lot less) the association cares about resale of the units
      – even good dogs and oweners have accidents and even the best owner can’t clean p00 out of carpet and then you have to wait for maintenance
      – going unleashed in common areas
      – barking, whining, running (general noise)
      – smeared p00 in areas righ outside the building, urine stains on sidewalk, grass patches and discoloration
      – dogs relieving themselves on balcony- big problem and sometimes you don’t know it’s your pup because your dog walker or cleaning person lets them out (either accidentally or lazily)
      – finally the biggest problem and the grossest- p00 attracts RATSSSSS! They eat it, nest in it, etc. So those who either don’t clean up or even those that can’t fully (because it is in rocks or grass) it attracts RATS

      Our building has them, though, with a weight and number limit (maybe breed too? Dunno) and requires an annual fee- and I think insurance proof, too. I would say it requires a lot of policing by neighbors, though, even on the best intentioned owners (see above why).

    • Anonymous

      In addition to the issues raised above – people with severe animal allergies may not be able to live in your building if you allow dogs, depending on the set up of the building. Are the common areas carpeted? Do you need to use an elevator (and is it carpeted)? Is the HVAC from inside the condos connected to the HVAC for common areas?

      I have severe dog allergies and I’ve lived in buildings with dogs with no issues – but the common areas were either concrete or tile and were frequently washed. The hallways and stairwells were also open air (SoCal). When I visit friends on the East Coast who live in more enclosed buildings – interior hallways and stairwells, usually carpeted – I know almost as soon as I step in the building if there are dogs there. The smell, the dander, the hair – it all lingers and it’s near impossible to get out.

  8. Anon

    Calling all pears – do you have a source for a-line skirts for work? Not pencil skirts, not full circle skirts, but just regular a-line skirts. Talbots sells a million of them during the winter (example: https://bit.ly/2IMW2WZ) but seemingly none for warmer weather. I’ve been checking other retailers, as well, and haven’t found many. Would love your sources if you have any!

  9. Kk

    I’m looking for lighter, funnier podcasts- the audio equivalent to turning on New Girl on reruns on tv while I’m home. Most of the podcasts I listen to are news related or telling stories- but they’re all so SERIOUS. Is there anything light and fun that you like to listen to?

    • Anon

      Adult Sh1t is by two of the Buzzfeed writers and is hilarious. They touch on serious life stuff, but always with humor.

      History Chicks is great but you kind of have to pay attention to follow it.

      The Daily Zeitgeist is by the former Cracked founder and is all about the news/state of the world but is also hilarious.

    • ollie

      Jam Session if you like celebrity gossip, 2 Dope Queens for female-centric comedy. Also I’ve recommended Baby Sitters Club Club before – 2 dudes reading and overanalyzing the Baby Sitters Club books and hilarity ensues

    • Anonymous

      I listen to a lot of this kind of podcast – mostly pop culture/humour. Some of my faves:

      Who? Weekly – a hilarious deep dive into D, E, and F-list celebrities.

      Forever 35 – skincare and self-care

      Teen Creeps – 2 comedians read teen horror fiction from their (and my) youth – eg Christopher Pike and R.L. Stine

      Extra Hot Great – a TV podcast from the writers behind previously.tv and Television Without Pity. Every week ends with a TV trivia game that is impossible not to play along with. (If you try and like this one, previously.tv has a whole bunch of more specific TV podcasts)

    • Torin

      Smart Enough to Know Better is a science podcast that listens like an hour of standup comedy. I really enjoy it and always learn something.

      Guilty Feminist – I’ll just give you a tagline from their website “I’m a feminist, but I detagged myself from a picture at a women’s conference where we were all standing in front of a sign which said ‘Empowered Not Coward’, because my ankles looked fat.” They do discuss serious issues, but everyone that goes on the show is a comedian, so always with loads of humor.

    • anon

      Forever35: A podcast about the way we take care of ourselves. Self-care and all that entails, from morning routines to serums to meal planning. Hosted by two endearing LA-based friends and writers.

      Thirst Aid Kit: Buzzfeed writers go deep on their inexplicable crushes

      The Europeans: A (usually) lighthearted look at life on the continent hosted by a journalist in Paris and an opera singer in Amsterdam.

    • LAnon

      If you went to summer camp as a kid, Campfires and Color Wars. The host and a different guest every week tell stories from their summer camp experiences. Lots of funny awkward teenager stories and cute memories.

    • Anon

      Every Little Thing — a podcast where the host answers callers’ (sill, not serious questions). For example, recently she answered the question “How old is Winnie the Pooh?” She answers the questions by interviewing people and basically doing investigative journalism. It’s a fun and light podcast :)

      • anonshmanon

        Dear Hank and John also answers listener questions and I like the mix of silly and serious.

    • PolyD

      Seconding Forever35. I also like, but not as much, Fat Mascara, by two current/former beauty editors.

      I like food podcasts – Sporkful, Gastropod, and the classic, Splendid Kitchen. That reminds me, I’d like to find a podcast about c*ktails.

      Previously.tv has a bunch of tv podcasts. Again With This, their recaps of the old Beverly Hills 90210 show is HILARIOUS. I also like Little House on the Podcast.

      I like Stuffed You Missed in History, too. A little more serious, but not usually grim.

    • Anon

      Useless information podcast is fascinating
      If you don’t mind swearing, Kira Soltanovich show is great (she’s a comedian and has comedian guests but talking about kids)

  10. anon a mouse

    To the person looking for DMV flea markets/secondhand furniture yesterday: find out when all the different counties do their spring big trash pickups and drive around the night before (or early the day of). In my area people put out beat-up furniture that sounds right up your alley. But there are lots of scavengers — anything we put out the night before is usually gone by morning.

    • Anon

      That was me, thank you! I didn’t know that was even a thing, but I’ll definitely keep a look out.

      And I bookmarked all of yesterday’s suggestions and can’t wait to visit them!

      • Anonymous

        My mother furnished our house this way and has lots of solid oak and maple pieces. Refinishing furniture is pretty easy, with a little elbow grease you can get some beautiful furniture for free.

  11. Anonymous

    Need some flats advice! I am a big Tieks fan but have been thinking about trying Rothys. I am intrigued by the ability to wash the shoes. I have read some of the past posts and discussions on them but wanted to see if anyone can recommend:

    1. It seems like folks recommend sizing 1/2 size up. Is that right?
    2. Do you prefer the pointed or round toe?
    3. Do they still use referral codes and if so, does anyone have one?

    Thanks!

    • Kk

      I have rothys but not tieks, so I cant really compare.
      I wear an 8.5 or 9 in most shoes- I needed the 9 and could have maybe gone with a 9.5. Mine are the point toe – I havent tried the round toe. They run pretty narrow, and theres a little cushion, but not a lot. Mine get really stinky, really fast- they are made from recycled plastic, and my feet don’t really breathe in them. I’ve thrown them in the wash and that helps, but just be prepared that they’ll be stinkier than leather or cloth.

    • trefoil

      How do you find the sizing of Tieks? I’ve been stalking them but can’t bring myself to pull the trigger because I’m a size 5 and would hate to have to return them via international shipping.

  12. What to Wear - Tech Firm Interview?

    Help, I need fashion advice! I have an interview next week in a business support role at a tech firm. The firm has a cool, youthful vibe. I am in a corporate setting and have a rather small wardrobe, so I’m struggling with what to wear. Weather looks like it will be in low 40s and rainy. I’m pear shaped, size 10 on bottom and 8 on top. Good colors for me are navy, cobalt, green, plum, black, charcoal, white, jewel tones. I have a serviceable black blazer but it is looking a little worn. I want to be physically comfortable and feel stylish and confident, but also would hope to be able to incorporate things into my current wardrobe. I would like to find things that are modestly priced if possible.

    Possible ideas:

    Ankle pants (color?)/black slim boatneck shirt/black blazer/statement necklace – (need ankle pants and shoes)
    Cool dress/black blazer/black tights/black pumps or booties (don’t have any booties – would need)

    I would so appreciate any other ideas and/or links to possible items! Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I’m a PM at a tech firm. I wear skinny jeans, booties long cardigan every day. A cool dress you could wear again (but probably never again to work) would probably be the best in this situation, maybe the second outfit for a second interview?

      • Anonymous

        Coming back to say when I switched from a legal field to tech I looked at the company’s FB page to find pictures of “people at work” to choose my interview attire.

    • Delta Dawn

      Old Navy has modestly priced ankle pants– the Pixie– that come in lots of colors. They have their spring colors out now. You could do a spring-colored ankle pant (pale pink? light coral? mint? pale blue?) and then all black errything like you mentioned, and maybe a long pendant in a color that matches the pants. Good luck on your interview!

    • Walnut

      I just did this. I wore a Calvin Klein dress with a more casual jacket that was clearly NOT a suit jacket. My recruiter actively advised not wearing a suit.

    • Kk

      I work for a big tech company. If your role would be in sales or legal, ask your recruiter if something more formal would be appropriate. If you’re interviewing in a product focused role, you have leeway to be slightly more casual. If I was going for competent, cool, and confident, I’d wear slim pants, pointy shoes, and a blazer, with a pendant necklace, good posture, and a big smile. Good luck!!

  13. Lana Del Raygun

    This is kind of a long shot, but does anyone have recommendations for where to buy an old-fashioned(-looking) pram like they have on Call The Midwife, with the folding cover and the big wheels? Pickings on Craigslist and eBay are pretty slim near me. Does this sort of thing turn up in thrift or antique shops? I have literally always wanted one! :O

  14. Elegant Giraffe

    Interested in your thoughts on supporting a team member. A wonderful young woman works for me. The qualifications for her role are changing and, beginning in July, she cannot remain employed in the role. She has chosen to resign and pursue graduate school. She has recently divorced, and I know she is very tight on money. Is there any appropriate tangible support I can offer her? I have written recommendations for her, provided her with a flexible schedule for interviews, etc. I want to help, but I don’t want to cross a line. She’s worked for me for three years and is fantastic.

    • Torin

      I would just keep in touch with her and offer to take her out to lunch periodically.

    • Anonymous

      If she gets into graduate school, an congratulatory note and an Amazon gift card for textbooks and course supplies. Amazon is usually cheaper than the campus bookstore and offers more options (rentals, used, etc.)

      • Elegant Giraffe

        Thank you – I would not have thought of the Amazon GC for textbooks.

    • Anonymous

      Does your company do special acknowledgement awards that come with a small cash bonus?

      • Elegant Giraffe

        No – a nice thought though. It reminds me that we do “employee of the month” though there is no actual reward associated with it. I never nominate anyone because it seems…idk…silly. But she might appreciate a gesture like that.

  15. Anonymous

    My likable but completely non-producing co-worker just got shown the door. I’m sad and everyone is in shock. Not a very happy Friday!

    • Monday

      It’s sad on a personal level, but it can be good for workplace morale when someone “completely non-producing” gets fired. Others are no longer straining to pick up their slack, and it demonstrates that the employer cares and has standards. I bet there’s a lot of relief in the office, but people feel too guilty to express it. Here’s hoping the replacement is better!

    • anon

      Can you send that angel of doom my way? I just need to borrow it for a bit, I’ll give it back.

    • Anonymous

      You are both completely correct. He’s a nice person but considered himself an intellectual and above doing work. (Writing that out makes me much less sad!) It will improve morale in the long run because there were lots of snide comments from many departments about his position.

    • LAnon

      Is there any way this becomes good news because now you can be friends with him but not have to work together? Sounds like maybe a interesting and intelligent friend in spite of being a not-so-great co-worker.

    • Anonymous

      I’d be celebrating. So many people think they can get by being friendly instead of actually doing any work. It is the worst.

      • ArenKay

        Agree. Also note that this is such a male perk. When have schmoozy-but-lazy women had great job security?

  16. Sympathy Meal

    Recommendations for meal delivery? My sister-in-law’s mother passed away and I would like to send food to her family since I live in a different state. I’ve sent things from Harry and David before but just checking to see if anyone has other ideas? Ideally I would like to send something that can be heated up or frozen. Thanks!

      • anon

        The closest Whole Foods is over an hour away from them, unfortunately. I live on the east coast but they are in TX.

          • Anonymous

            Central Market is only in big cities. If there’s no Whole Foods there’s no CM. There will likely be an HEB, though, which is the same company and still has great quality products including meal kits and home delivery (not sure if this is at every store though). Plus HEB just acquired Favor, so I imagine the options will expand.

    • Anon in NYC

      Check out Williams Sonoma – they have some entrees that are frozen and can be thawed/warmed up. I’ve never the entrees specifically, but their frozen pastries are good.

    • Anonymous

      I often use Legal Seafood for this sort of thing, but obviously that’s a more niche kind of meal and not everyone likes seafood.

    • Anon

      I usually do a grub hub giftcard (assuming it serves their area) so they can get the food they want delivered.

    • Anon

      Check out instacart and see if you can deliver something from the prepared foods section of their local grocery. Or a stouffer’s lasagna, pre-made salad and bread.

    • Anonymous

      Omaha Steaks has meals that can be heated up…. even some pasta dishes and ones specific for a microwave or crock pot (with sides). I am sure it’s not the healthiest version of anything, but I’ve purchased the before and if anyone knows how to ship food across the country, it’s them.

  17. Considering in-house

    I got offered an in-house job at a small but growing company today. The legal team would be 3 people (me, the GC, and one other junior lawyer). I’m currently a 4th year in biglaw.

    Would this move set me up well for future in-house positions? What about future in-house positions at larger (or even public) companies? I am excited by this prospect but don’t want to box myself in to start-ups so early in my career (i think??).

    • ace

      This will position you well as you’ll likely get exposure to more areas if the law with a small but growing company than a behemoth. Congratulations!

  18. KateMiddletown

    What’s your best bargain/sale fashion find lately? I just got an Eileen Fisher sweater (my first) from our local Macy’s closing sale – $18! I get such a thrill from a ridiculously good bargain.

  19. Linda from HR

    Hey NYC regulars, I need to be one of “those” people for a hot sec, can anyone recommend a good place to have dinner before a Broadway show? I’m going down in April to see a couple shows, one is at night and I’m thinking it’d be good to make a reservation somewhere for 6ish (the show’s at 8). Doesn’t need to be right next to the Circle in the Square theater but it should be in the district, maybe a 15ish walk away. I know everything’s relatively pricey in the city, but something on the less pricey end would be great.

    We’re also staying in the Bowery district, and eyeing Chinatown for dinner the night before when we first get to town, so if anyone has a favorite place there, I’d love to hear about it!

    • anon

      Love Joe’s Shanghai. 15 minute walk from the theater, but the xiao long bao!

      • Anonymous

        Not to start a food war (also not from NYC so I apologize in advance for not being able to give any good suggestions), but the one time I tried Joe’s Shanghai on a friend’s enthusiastic recommendation, the xiao long bao skin was impenetrable! Yes, they were huge, but…the skin… I’d try Shanghai Asian Manor if in Chinatown :)

    • Anon in NYC

      For theatre district stuff: Esca (seafood, maybe too pricey), 5 Napkin Burger (obvious), Bocca di Bacco (Italian), Nizza (Italian), Totto Ramen (obvious), Taboon (Mediterranean – love this place). Also, these are a little farther of a walk, but Gotham West Market (fancy food hall – no reservations necessary), The Marshal (American), or Pio Pio (Peruvian) are good options too.

    • NYNY

      For your theater night, there are a lot of good, inexpensive (for NYC) options on 9th Avenue in the low 50’s, and you probably don’t even need a reservation:

      – Ariana – Afghan food
      – Uncle Nick’s – Greek
      – Totto Ramen
      – Casellula – wine & cheese
      – Wondee Siam – delicious Thai food in a very no-frills space

      For Chinatown, Wo Hop is great for that old-school NYC vibe and American Chinese dishes like sweet & sour chicken and shrimp in lobster sauce.

    • Anonymous

      I like Psongri (Thai) on 48th & Glass House Tavern on 47th; both are between 7th and 8th. There are also a lot of decent places on 9th Ave that tend to be a little less expensive and less touristy than further east. And please get cookies at Schmackary’s. If you want something really quick and cheap (counter service/deli) try Green Symphony on 43rd btwn 7th and 8th. They have a steam table, juice bar, and poorly advertised larger menu – try the New Yorker Bowl. It’s delicious, healthy-ish, and popular with actors and theatre people. There are just a few small tables though – super casual.

      All the restaurants in the theatre district know how to get people to their shows on time. Just tell them when the curtain is when you get there and you’ll be fine.

    • AIMS

      Becco in the theater district has a nice rotating pasta price fixe and also a $29 bottle of wine list. It’s not the best pasta you’ll ever have by any means, but it’s fun to eat 3 different pastas, drink wine and people watch.

      In Chinatown, I don’t think you can go wrong with Joe’s Shanghai but also consider Noodle Village and then 10Below for Thai ice cream.

    • Anonymous

      Meme mediterranean on 10th avenue! Get a few different tapas to share (skip the entrees). Everything is delicious.

  20. Portugal recommendations

    Recommendations in Lisbon/Porto/Azores? For a trip with a friend coming up in May.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I went to Lisbon in late May last year and the weather was amazing. If you like boutique hotels, the Pousada de Lisboa in the Praca de Comercio was wonderful. Have champagne sangria in the square at night at Can the Can and just watch the crowds.

      Go to Belem as it is lovely but I actually (after lots of research) have determined that the best custard tarts are at Manteigario in Chiado. Definitely wait in line for seafood at Cervejaria Ramiro – it is amazing and so reasonable. Do not forget to have “dessert” which is a beef sandwich with housemade hot sauce. More off the beaten track, the Club de Jornolistas is a lovely little restaurant in an old house with amazing service and such a cool vibe.

      I would also suggest taking the train for a day trip to Sintra and hiking up the trail to the castle – the view is amazing.

      Lisbon is a fabulous city with great energy. Four days was not enough.

      • BabyAssociate

        +1 to Cervejaria Ramiro and day trip to Sintra, those make have been the highlights of my Portugal trip!

    • Jo March

      I posted a few Azores recs a few weeks back if you want to click through!

  21. Work Politics Help Please!

    I just switched jobs, from one biglaw firm to another, and a political issue has come up for which I’m figuring out how to respond. I am a senior associate in a specialized area and was told that I would work at this new firm independently, with assistance as needed from a midlevel associate who works in a different office but has been dabbling in this area in recent months. In other words, she is several years junior to me and has far less experience, and we don’t work face to face.

    It’s only a few weeks in, but I am getting the very strong sense that she is angling to be my manager, rather than vice versa. So far, she has “given me” several assignments, and has gotten involved in a major matter where my expertise is key, yet she is acting as the lead in our area — she has asked me to submit all follow-up questions to her by X time on a daily basis, to get her my written work product by X date so that she can review before we send to the larger team, etc. This seems inappropriate to me (until my self-doubt resurfaces).

    My tentative plan is to talk briefly with the partner on the matter overall to confirm my role/make sure there are no weird review processes at this firm, and then to tell the midlevel, as neutrally as possible, by email, that it makes more sense for me to review the full work product given my expertise in the area and role at the firm, and that I’m comfortable submitting my own follow-up requests as well. And if that doesn’t work, to have a more global conversation about our relative roles, and thereafter to involve a partner.

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts. I am really not good at power plays and hate asserting myself and question my own expertise/authority, so this is a really challenging situation for me to be in, especially in a very new job where I work independently and we don’t have an obvious shared manager.

    • Anon

      Is there any chance she’s just trying to help you, thinking you must be swamped since you’re new and that this project is NBD, so she can handle it while you work on the more complicated matters that must surely be on your plate? Is it possible this project is almost over and she’s been handling it before you came on board, so she’s just trying to finish it up? Otherwise, yes, I agree with your approach to casually check in with the partner, then try to flip the mgmt roles as naturally as possible.

    • Mineallmine

      Id follow your plan, then I’d ignore her commands and just do my work, submitting it to whomever it needs to go.

    • Moonstone

      I think the way you are planning to handle this is perfect. If it’s just a misunderstanding, you will clear it up. If it’s not, you’ll put her on notice that you are aware of what she’s doing.

    • Hollis

      This is totally annoying. I would talk to the partner directly, work with the partner directly, and just ignore her “requests” to you (except to maybe tell her that you are handling it but will reach out to her if you need assistance). But overall, you also do not want to get on her bad side since she may badmouth you to everyone at her office. So, I would be polite in all e-mails (and maybe less so over the phone) and assume that all of your e-mails will be forwarded around to other folks. Good luck and please report back to us.

  22. Work Politics Help Please!

    (apologies if this double posts)

    I just switched jobs, from one biglaw firm to another, and a political issue has come up for which I’m figuring out a response. I am a senior associate in a specialized area and was told that I would work at this new firm independently, with assistance as needed from a midlevel associate who works in a different office but has been dabbling in this area in recent months. In other words, she is several years junior to me and has far less experience, and we don’t work face to face.

    It’s only a few weeks in, but I am getting the very strong sense that she is angling to be my manager, rather than vice versa. So far, she has “given me” several assignments, and has gotten involved in a major matter where my expertise is key, yet she is acting as the lead in our area — she has asked me to submit all follow-up questions to her by X time on a daily basis, to get her my written work product by X date so that she can review before we send to the larger team, etc. This seems inappropriate to me (until my self-doubt resurfaces).

    My tentative plan is to talk briefly with the partner on the matter overall to confirm my role/make sure there are no weird review processes at this firm, and then to tell the midlevel, as neutrally as possible, by email, that it makes more sense for me to review the full work product given my expertise in the area and role at the firm, and that I’m comfortable submitting my own follow-up requests as well. And if that doesn’t work, to have a more global conversation about our relative roles, and thereafter to involve a partner.

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts. I am really not good at power plays and hate asserting myself and question my own expertise/authority, so this is a really challenging situation for me to be in, especially in a very new job where I work independently and we don’t have an obvious shared manager.

    • Anon

      As a big law midlevel who doesn’t have many senior associates in my group, I think she may be coming from a place where she is used to taking the lead because there was no one there to do so previously, and she has become used to playing a more senior role.

      That said, it does seem very odd that she’s imposing deadlines on you and reviewing your work. I agree casually talking to the partner about roles, but then I would suggest a phone conversation with her. I think that such conversations can unintentionally come across as too harsh via email, and since it seems you’ll be working with her a lot, you’ll want to make sure to maintain a good working relationship. By doing so on the phone, you can keep it more casual and light hearted, and play off the fact that you’re new to the firm and want to make sure you’re doing everything you need to at your senior level.

      Good luck!

  23. NYC

    Former NYCer, I travel back about twice a year. Normally my schedule is filled with friend visits but this trip has most folks working all day. I’m generally pretty introverted but am going to make myself do some things out and about on my own… what fun worth-putting-on-pants things do you do (or do you recommend) in NYC? I’ve been to the touristy spots and taken people there while living there, so those are a no go!

    • Allie

      Either go to a new-to-you hipster neighborhood, bring a book and get coffee at a local coffee place and just sit and read or pick a type of ethnic food and go to the neighborhood that’s known for that food and get a meal.

  24. Attorney for will - Sacramento

    Hello all!

    Long shot, but does anyone have a recommendation for an estate planning attorney in Sacramento, CA? It should be relatively simple and so we’re hoping to keep costs reasonable. Main concern is designating a guardian for toddler.

    Thank you!

    • Ellen

      I do NOT but suggest you contact the bar association, b/c they have alot of people that get on lists based on their legal speciality; so if you ask for an estate lawyer, you will get one who is anxious to please.

      Did anyone in the hive participate in the anti-gun marches this weekend? I was up with Rosa, and we literaly joined in with a march in White Plains, where they were protesting gun violence. It was so cute, with Rosa joining in with the kid’s screaming and repeating the official anti-gun slogans. Even I got into it, and I do NOT ever want to see or hold a gun. FOOEY!

  25. Black tights

    Is it acceptable to wear opaque black tights for a c*cktail attire event? I’m wearing a black-lace-over-nude-slip shift dress. But it’s chilly so I don’t really want to go bare legged.

    • Monday

      I say yes with the dress you describe. I assume you considered nude hose and that isn’t enough. Try patent leather shoes and some sparkly jewelry? I don’t think women should have to freeze on formal occasions.

    • Anonymous

      Agreed with Rainbow Hair that they’re entirely acceptable, but I sometimes feel too casual in black tights for a fancier event. Sheer black hose feel a little more dressed up to me, if that appeals.

  26. Anon

    I think it is great that places like Target and Macy’s work very hard to hire the most diverse staff possible. But the really flamboyant gay males in both places mock customers so loudly and go on and on and on…I know it is part of the “act” for many of them, but it is just so rude and unprofessional. Plus, the customers they make fun of hear them. That’s my comment for the day.

    • AlphaAnne

      I think it’s terrible that “diverse” staff are often limited to hourly customer service jobs.

    • Anon

      They’re really young. Same age as the other people who work there. It is just that I sense they feel pressure to act that way to be accepted. Like they are really forcing it. I have a childhood gay male friend who told me he used to do that when we were younger. They’re the new “mean girls”.

      • Anonymous

        Also, the Target LGBT (gay females also) employees that I’ve seen were not cashiers. They seemed to be doing higher-level work that didn’t involve working directly with customers. Maybe that’s why they felt comfortable talking about them openly. I honestly think they wouldn’t even have those jobs if they didn’t make it obvious they were LGBT. It seems like they passed over some older, more experienced folks. So I wouldn’t feel too bad for them.

          • Anonymous

            Yikes, no kidding. From presuming to know people’s sexual orientation and beyond …

          • Anon

            Blatant immature, unprofessional behavior by employees in an area where there are literally thousands of applicants of all ages, levels of education, etc…I’m not putting on blinders just to sound PC. It’s very obvious what is going on. VERY prevalent in my area.

      • Anonymous

        Kat, can you ban this troll? Especially since she posts as Anon and replies to herself as Anonymous? Especially since she’s full of hate for people she suspects are gay? Or is hate speech welcome here? Responding to yourself to develop incendiary comments at least has to be problematic, no?

  27. Anon

    Has anyone received a PMP certification? I enjoy managing projects and am frequently asked to manage projects at work. I was thinking of getting PMP-certified.

    • Anon

      No, but I work with many people who are. In many cases, the “management” aspect comes across as a charade. The PMP rarely knows the technical aspects of the project and takes poor notes, then being unable to assist in problem solving because they don’t know how to identify necessary resources and expertise. I would recommend looking at Agile framework instead and seeing if there are certs available for that framework.

      • Amberwitch

        If we are takling agile, you could do a scrummaster certification with scrum alliance. But it would not be anywhere near the equivalent of a project manager certification.
        In Europe it is fairly normal to get a PRINCE2 certification as a project manager, especially when working in IT. And last year they created an PRINCE2 Agile certification to accomodate the nede for more agile projects. But it is a framework you learn, not how to be a great project manager, and not the tools of being a project manager.

        • techgirl

          Hey I work in tech and agile doesn’t work for me! I did hear at a conference of non tech people using it though.

    • Anon

      I am a Director at a consulting firm and my job is to basically manage projects and client relationships (in addition to business development) and no one in my firm has ever considered getting a PMP. It seems to be one of those things that people get without acquiring any additional skills. The PMPs I know are all about checking boxes on a list without actually helping the project succeed.

    • Anonymous

      Take a study course. The test is tricky. It’s a good framework but unless your organization sets up project management in true by the book PMI fashion, it can be hard to manage projects using it correctly. We use it and have some issues due to top leadership enabling people to go off course. This makes the PM basically useless.

    • techgirl

      I am UK based so have APM PMQ, but I find with all of these qualifications it’s the application that makes the difference. PMQ is skill sets rather than methodology. Meanwhile I have a programme management qualification which is much more methodology/process driven. I follow neither in full, but take the applicable learnings from each.
      If your employer is paying then I think it’s beneficial.

    • Ness

      I managed projects too and took training in general PM, PMI and Prince 2. The courses will give you better understanding of process and new tools to use in your work if you have not previous experience or training. But as someone has said above you will improve working.
      Regarding taking any of the exams you will need to know why you are doing it. For example, in my home country PMI is the one recognized but it will not improve your career prospects and it is difficult to apply in any organization, I was willing to take it only to improve my skils set.

      Then I relocated to UK and took a general PM course but I did not learn anything new comparing with I have learned in my university degree, but the diploma got me my first job in London, then money super well expended. There they use Prince 2 or APM, but, Prince 2 is not used in the rest of Europe then, although my company would have paid for the Prince 2 exam it did not make sense for me as I was always thinking in a global market (and returning home at some point to be honest).

      If I were you I would take the course of the organization better reconigzed in your area and country, but not necesarily will take the exam. Only be careful that the course is recognized by the PM organization just in case you want to take it later, not all of them are valid.

  28. Vancouver in June

    Suggestions for 5 days in Vancouver? Traveling with husband and our adult children (mid 20s). We like good food, and enjoy some museums, history, and outdoors, but need a good balance between those categories to keep everyone engaged.

    • Hollis

      I *LOVE* Vancouver. Beautiful water, mountains and food all in 1 place. Visiting Stanley Park is a must, but Queen Elizabeth park has a fun enclosed bird exhibit with beautiful tropical birds. The Aquarium there has a Beluga whale and a spinner dolphin. Lynn Canyon has a beautiful suspension bridge and a not-difficult walk down to the river. I personally loved the Cannery Museum in Richmond and found it to be so interesting. Robson Street in downtown has great shopping. If you have time, you can take a ferry over to Butchardt Gardens, which is absolutely stunning in the spring and summer. Be sure you also check out Granville Market and get some Chinese food at Kirin or Dinesty or Fisherman’s Terrace.

  29. Notinlaw

    Looking for style advice suggestions. I’m a late 40’s, slightly plump and pear shaped working mom. Not into fashion or shopping but like to look nice and shop online. Tend toward classic styles. Work wardrobe is ok but I suddenly feel like the frumpy mommy at school and weekend stuff with my sweaters and bootcut jeans. Not enthusiastic anymore about the quality or color options from my long-time sources like Lands End and Eddie Bauer.

    Any suggestions for how I can keep up with trends — blogs? newsletters? Yes, I know skinnies are in. Skinny pants are not good, trust me.

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      A random selection of style bloggers I like in their 30s and 40s: Blue Collar Red Lipstick, Out of the Bag, The Directrice, Style This Life, Gretchen’s Closet. I would be really happy if one of them speaks to your taste, too!

      None of these stylish women are exactly keeping up with the trends, at least on the season-to-season level. But although that’s what you ask for, are you sure it’s what you want? Maybe you just need to add a few new pieces to your closet now, then rinse and repeat in 3 years?

    • A

      A Stylish Fit is a blog I follow, the writer is in her 50s and posts outfits that I think are what you’re looking for. I also like the blog Penny Pincher Fashion. She posts wearable outfits with a focus on nothing expensive.

      And I hear you about skinny pants, sigh. I still wear my bootcuts if it helps to know an internet stranger does – I’m not yet 40.

      • LF

        Skinnies are starting to fade out and the pendulum is starting to swing back to bootcut. FYI. :)

    • Amy H.

      Check out the You Look Fab blog — mid-40’s stylist who spends the time to check out and report on current trends, and definitely focuses more on weekend and business casual looks (vs. business formal).

  30. Kk

    Keep an eye on J Crew factory- you can find trendier options like bell sleeve tops or ruffled options that you might work in with your other clothes. Try also adding funkier jewelry- I like faux tortiseshell accents

  31. Patio Decorating Help

    I am lucky enough to have a roof patio. Last summer I bought a couch for it without thinking it through. It was wood with cloth cushions and there is no storage for the cushions up there. They were huge and there were tons of them, so buying additional storage would have taken up too much space. We get lots of rain and wind and some snow. The cushions got nasty and discolored and I had to get rid of the whole thing. Keeping in mind very limited storage space, significant weather and the desire not to truck things up and down the stairs – what would you suggest putting there that is comfy and sturdy?

    • Anonymous

      You can get covers for the off-season to prevent snow, etc from ruining your furniture.

    • Anon

      You need a treated steel, sealed wood, or a wicker set, and you just have some cute outdoor accent pillows for softness that you either store in a cushion storage box or you bring inside. Mine is an outdoor dining set from Home Depot with a glass top and the chairs have that weird sling fabric, and accent pillows that stay under the gazebo during the season and then come back inside for the winter. I take down the cloth cover for my gazebo frame and store that inside as well. I leave my outdoor string lights up, but I do have to replace one or two strands each spring. I don’t bother covering my furniture as I’ve never found a cover that adequately prevented mildew. This has lasted through 7 rough Chicago winters so far.

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