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Updated: Jul 31, 2020 195 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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I was perusing Nordstrom's clearance sale and found a TON of Tom Ford and Giorgio Armani beauty on sale — I'm trying to decide which color of this Armani lipstick to try. (Will Romanze be too purple/make me look dead? Hmmn.) The brand's claims look great, though:

This whisper-light, high-pigmented formula delivers intense color payoff and a smudge-resistant, ultra-matte finish. A fine film of the most highly saturated color imaginable without the dry feeling associated with traditional mattes keeps your lips feeling comfortable and looking beautiful.

Nice! I continue to hunt for the perfect lipstick like this — I either find the ones that truly stay just wreck my lips (so they're only good for special occasions, which means I entirely forget about them), or they stay for a little while and then fade unevenly, so I look like I've gone “all in” on liner. It's a problem. (Readers, do you have any favorites? Do tell…) 

The pictured lipstick is normally $38 but is currently marked down to $26.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Anon

    It sounds like the idea of cultivating a warm, loving atmosphere at home resonated with a few people this morning. I thought we could continue the good vibes into the weekend by sharing the tips and techniques we all use to get that atmosphere in our own homes. Mine are never doing silent treatment (ever), asking for space when you need it instead of letting resentment or irritation build up, always saying good morning and sharing a hug/kiss first thing, and making time for both physical and mental connection, even if only for a few minutes, and especially on tough days. I also think decreasing clutter and ensuring thoughtful furniture placement (and cozy lighting) in the common areas where everyone can fit comfortably together can really help the overall atmosphere in the home. Ultimately, I feel like I want to live in a home where the concept of “walking on eggshells” doesn’t exist. Would love to hear what works for you all. Happy (cozy, warm) weekend!

    • Horse Crazy

      I totally agree with everything you said. If my SO and I are getting snappy, I try to say “I need some air” and just walk outside for a few minutes – it helps to de-escalate and calm things down. Also, my living room has dark, wood-paneled walls and terrible lighting (it’s a rental house, so we can’t just add a big light fixture), so I’ve added a lot of candles – mostly the battery-operated ones with remotes, so the cats don’t start fires. They give a nice glow to the room and make the wood walls seem rustic and not just dark. It makes me happy and puts me in a better mood. So does doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after dinner – walking away from a dirty kitchen makes me uptight, so we always make sure to clean up.

    • Senior Attorney

      My favorite thing is presuming good intentions. It makes everything so much easier. Because honestly, why would the person who supposedly loves you EVER do anything on purpose to hurt you?

      Also my husband and I are quite clear that we are playing doubles on the same team, not playing singles against each other. No trying to score points, no keeping score at all.

      • BelleRose

        Love that analogy!
        I think I heard this in premarital counselling: it’s not you vs. me, it’s you+me vs. the problem.

    • Anon

      I grew up in a home where my feelings, at least the negative ones, were never valid. I’m now in a relationship with somebody who makes me feel so comfortable that I can express those feelings when they come up and . . . nothing bad happens. I can even express my displeasure about something and he doesn’t get defensive. Such a 180 from the environment I grew up in. Also, we sleep in separate rooms because of boring reasons and I go into his room every morning to just say good morning or cuddle for a little bit and he is always so cheerful and happy to see me. I know my own tendency is not to be that cheerful when being woken up.

      I’ve always been pretty thoughtful about my physical space and my home is definitely warm and inviting. Clutter and mess that accumulate make me anxious and keeping those at bay definitely helps with the warm, cozy, home feeling.

      • Anonymous

        Totally agree on the clutter and mess. I never developed great habits or routines at home to dealing with paper and clutter. I’m doing a big clean up now and am working hard to put processes in place not to end up in the same position again.

      • Ellen

        This sounds so nice. I could never get my ex to leave me alone physically, b/c in NYC even with a 2 BR, when one BR is used for my home office (long before the Pandemic and WFH) and the living/dining nook cannot support more than another pullout couch, you cannot really sleep anywhere but in the BR, as a pullout couches just doesn’t work (tho I often told him to go there). So for all practical purposes, we were living together in a studio. You have given me an idea for the next time I have a Boyfreind who wants to move in. I am goeing to “reimagine” my office by taking out the Peloton and moving it into MY Bedroom and upgrading my office by replacing the pullout couch with a more luxurius convertable sofa. Mom is on board with this, tho Dad does NOT want a man living F/T with me again without me being MARRIED to him. I wish I could agree, but these days, men don’t do that any more, especialy with the Pandemic, even if I am NOT infected, Dad does not want any strange men anywhere near me. FOOEY!

    • communication

      Love this thread :)

      We’ve implemented a few norms that help: it’s ok to ask if the other person is grumpy and it’s ok to say that you’re grumpy. It’s not ok to explode your grumpiness onto the other person. This is especially true if you’re hungry/tired/thirsty/need to use the restroom, etc., it’s on you to manage your emotions around physical discomfort that only you can solve. We also declare individual time and explicitly ask for attention. This isn’t to say that the other person must immediately drop whatever they’re doing and give you attention, but it’s really so much better to just state, “I need some attention” vs. bugging them until they snap at you. We’ve also started specifically stating what kind of action we’re seeking from the other person when we bring up a sensitive topic, including the need for “safe space”. So I want to just share that I have these confusing or depressing or angry thoughts about a situation that has nothing to do with you but I feel like I want to talk, that’s a safe space conversation. If I want to share that something related to you is happening, but I know it’s on me to manage, I say that I want to share but I don’t need you to change your behavior. And finally, if I do want you to change your behavior, then saying that hey, I want to talk about some changes to routine/actions/response, etc. so let’s discuss how to improve. Husband is an engineer, so telling him what role to play in the conversation is particularly useful when I don’t want him to jump in to try to solve a problem, I just want him to listen.

      Typing it out in a prescriptive format like that makes it look stilted or burdensome, but it’s really just the shorthand to communicate explicitly. It works well for us, eliminates confusion, and means that we get to the heart of the matter so much faster than trying to dance around or walk on eggshells.

      • Anon

        +1 to all this, especially the second paragraph. Sometimes what can look burdensome is actually just providing greater clarity.

      • Curious

        Also married to an engineer, and the explicit request for attention and explicit statement of grumpiness exactly describes our household as well. I will try the roles thing now! Maybe we can have a productive conversation about cleaning that way.

    • Anonymous

      I give myself three days to get over something or discuss — life is too short for stupid grudges.

      Also, we have a rule: only one person gets to be crazy at any given moment.

      • communicate

        HA, yes! We do this too, particularly during stressful times, like driving across the country to move to a new place. We had to take turns being the crazy or grumpy one at each rest stop :)

      • DLC

        There is a great line in the book the Great Believers where one character basically says (and I’m paraphrasing badly) that we all think life is too short to hold grudges, but it is also too long to hold grudges too. I think about this now when i’m feeling petty.

    • nuqotw

      Spouse and I have a “thank you” agreement – when you see something is
      done and you know the other person did it, say thank you. We started doing this b/c we wanted to feel more appreciated and the kids were at unappreciative ages (they’re getting better) and we were both really feeling undervalued.

    • Anonia

      We put the tv in the guest room, so that there is more space for people to be in the same house, yet do different activities. Because sometimes you want to be in the living room without the tv on and sew, or read or whatever. You can watch tv on a bed as easily as you can from a couch, but the non tv person shouldn’t always feel like they are being banished. We also have lots of small spaces to go and be alone, like a comfy chair for reading in the dining room, and small desk in the corner of the upstairs hallway.

      • Anonia

        Posted before finishing- physical spaces are more about giving everyone enough space to feel free to express their feelings and get quiet time. We are introverts, so alone time and space is key.

      • pugsnbourbon

        My grandparents were married for 60+ years and swore that the secret was to have two TVs.

    • Anonymous

      I use music to make my place cosy too. Sometimes it’s elevator type music in the background and sometimes it’s more specific.

    • Anon

      Finishing setting up our nursery for baby #1, and starting to tackle the basement disaster (which was the result of moving my husband’s “office” out of the now-nursery into the basement). And hopefully picking a middle name for the baby. Plus a few long walks/hikes with the dog.

    • Anon

      I’m on vacation! We rented our usual house in the woods so we’re just sheltering in place in a different location. I feel like that Onion headline “Local Mom Enjoys Scrubbing Toilets Near Beach” but it does seem relaxed and just.. different.

      Also because we brought all of our groceries up we are relying more on convenience foods like bagged salad mixes that include dressing and toppings, and packaged pre-marinated meats. I don’t ordinarily buy those because I get resentful of all the packaging but it’s a bit of a break in terms of prep and clean up, no question.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I was supposed to fly to Florida this weekend – obviously isn’t happening, and I hope all the readers down there are staying safe.
      I’m going to power through my weekend chores this evening and then watch a scary movie while rowing. Tomorrow I’m going to prep for painting our bedroom.

    • Layla

      Researching/buying what will (hopefully) allow us to continue to see my parents outdoors once it’s winter (Northeast state.) Buying a propane patio warmer and small, wood firepit with grate. Hope to spend a lot of nights staring up at the stars to decompress from Zoom work/work in school (tbd) & pandemic at-home schooling’s (keeping kids home even if I end up returning to work in the building.) Then spending all day tomorrow with the kids swimming at a local lake. Really appreciate that they’re finally old enough to be able to read quietly for at least a few minutes.

    • Jules

      Social distanced jazz night on the lawn at a local winery. The wine is mediocre, at best, but it’s live music!

    • Anon

      Picking berries! I live in an area with a lot of public rural land and we have great blueberries, blackberries, raspberries and black raspberries. I love the hunt of finding them and picking them. I think the red raspberries are almost done but I am going to see if there were any late bloomers. Blueberries are still in full swing. I think me and the birds wiped out the black raspberries already. The blackberries aren’t totally ripe yet but I want to check on them.

      I bought a book on foraging and I’m hoping to get more adventures into different wild root vegetables or even mushrooms at some point in the future.

        • Anon

          New Hampshire :) I feel like I have the best of both worlds here. I’m about an hour from everything big – Boston, the ocean, the White Mountains, but 20 minutes to the “cities” Manchester and Concord. I also have an amazing rural trail that I can walk to from my neighborhood that goes to a tiny beach on a river. Only town residents can park and walk to it but the beach is still a 1/2 mile walk from the parking lot so few people bother. It has been pandemic heaven. I’m also not that far from Portsmouth and Portland, Maine which I love in non-pandemic times.

          I also have a canoe portage on a river 5 minutes from my house so I can go paddleboarding after work. Life would only be better if we weren’t kitty-cornered on a busy road (we are the first lot on a quiet road) but it gives a nice big yard for our dogs.

          • Anon

            Thanks for responding. I used to live in Boston and I wish I could move back at times, but go farther north. Portland is amazing and I’ve only ever heard amazing things about Portsmouth. Good luck with the berries this weekend!

      • Anon

        I just made 12 pints of blackberry jam from handpicked wild blackberries. Nothing is more delicious and nothing is more summery!

    • ATL rette

      Currently getting drunk and treating myself to a “fancy” delivery dinner. The joys of being single.

  3. Kk

    I could use the advise of some more seasoned professionals. A peer/friend on an adjacent team to mine has been promoted to a manager of that team- and they’ve asked me to consider applying for the now-open position. I have to tell my current manager before I apply- how do I frame that conversation so as not to jeopardize my current role? If you’re a manager, and one of your team members applies for something else internally, how do you view it? Is it awkward to continue working on parallel teams? If I dont get selected for the job- how do I re-communicate my commitment to the company and to my role?

    • amberwitch

      I always encourage someone to move on if that is what they really want. No reason to keep people that aren’t interested in the job. But I also try to figure out what it is that makes them want to leave in order to see if it is fixable, or to learn for the next time.
      If they are unsuccessful, well.. then I am just happy I get to keep them a bit longer. But no one is a forever hire.

      Good luck!

    • just made a move

      What’s the culture like at your company and on your team? In my company, internal moves are encouraged, so applying to a role on another team is not seen as being less committed to your current role. This is especially true if you’ve been in the same role or team for a couple of years. I went through this process twice, once where I wasn’t selected and once where I moved to another team. We have an 18-month rotation program, so if you’re selected, you leave your team and your position is backfilled. I applied to the program, and they do talk to the current manager about it. I wasn’t selected for that round, so my manager asked me what I was seeking by applying to the program, and how could we fill some of those gaps in my current role. At my next performance review, he asked if I planned to apply for the rotation program again, and I said I wasn’t going to apply.

      My most recent move was similar to your situation. I discussed certain expanded responsibilities with my manager and it was becoming clear that it would take a long time or never happen on my current team. A spot with those responsibilities opened up on another team, so I let him know that I wanted to apply because it would allow me to progress in my career. He understood, gave a solid recommendation to the other team, and said that if I didn’t get it, we’d keep trying to expand my existing role. I ended up getting the new position, and he kept the headcount to backfill me.

      Again, in my company and team, our goal is always to keep high performers at the company. As a manager, if I can’t give someone what they need to grow and be satisfied, I’d much rather they move internally than look elsewhere. I’ve helped several past direct reports move to other teams. I view it as being committed to the overall mission and it’s rare that anyone is blindsided that someone wants to make a move up or over.

  4. anon

    We filed our taxes back in February, and still haven’t received the return. I know the IRS has been busy with covid stimulus, but I’m starting to wonder. Does anyone know what timeline I should be expecting?

    • Cat

      that’s crazy. We filed at the end of June (procrastinated since we thought we’d owe) but instead got a refund. Got the direct deposit maybe a week later.

    • Vicky Austin

      Hmm, we also filed early (like, pre-pandemic!) and I don’t think we’ve gotten our return either.

      • Vicky Austin

        Oops, that’s a lie – just found it. I guess my memory doesn’t go back that far anymore.

      • Senior Attorney

        And because I just can’t help myself, the return is the document you file with the IRS, and the refund is the money they send you if you’ve overpaid during the year.

        • Anon

          Yes – Thank you! CPA here and calling a tax refund a return is one of those pet peeves that should not irk me as much as it does

    • Anon

      The IRS has a website – find my refund, i think? You can plug in a few basic bits of information including the date you filed and the expected return amount and it will tell you where it is in processing. You 100% should have it by now.

    • CPA Lady

      Did you paper file? If so, it might take them FOREVER. Like forever and ever and ever. If you e-filed you should 100% have it by now. Def check on the website.

    • Anonymous

      They claim they mailed my stimulus payment on May 22nd but it still hasnt arrived so I’m thinking it’s likely just a mess at the IRS right now…

    • Anon

      If you paper file, it’s pretty common not to get it for months. If you e-filed you should have gotten it by now. It probably would have taken 1-2 weeks if you gave them direct deposit info, a bit longer if you wanted them to cut you a paper check.

    • Anonymous

      Anecdata: we e-filed on May 15th, and just got our refund within the last 24 hours.

  5. Fancy rowing machine

    The Hydrow ads are following me everywhere! I have been looking on and off for a few years for a rower. Anyone have any recs for good brands and tell me I dont need to spend $2K for a Hydrow. Unless they are totally worth it? Anyone care to opine ?

    • Anon

      I just bought a cheap rowing machine from Amazon (after asking for tips here). It works fine, although the display is total garbage, and if I end up sticking with it enough, I’m going to go back for a Concept2 one day. That’s the one everyone recommended. I think the Hydrow looks hideously overpriced, but haven’t ever sat on one myself.

    • Anon

      Concept2 is *the* rowing machine. I wouldn’t spend more money on something else.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. They can put up with a lot of abuse, the display and features are good even on the older models, relatively easy to store.

      • Formerly Lilly

        Advice from former collegiate rower: Concept 2 “Model D”. You don’t need the pricier foo foo model unless you are a highly competitive rower. As a result of an earlier conversation like this here, I went on the Concept 2 wait list the first week of July and am scheduled to be able to order September 9. Word of mouth is that they come quickly once ordered.

    • abon

      I love my water rower. Something about the sound of water is so soothing. I’ve had it and used it religiously for about 4 years with no maintenance or issues. The only thing I don’t like is that the display is not backlit.

      • Anonymous

        +1. We bought a second house recently, and I bought a second water rower to have there before I bought any other furniture for the house!

        • abon

          The brand is WaterRower actually. I have one of the wooden ones, maybe natural finish.

    • keepin it real...

      The water rowers are really nice (I agree with the soothing sound). When it got too hot to exercise outside in July, I researched a lot and bought a ProForm Rower (stepchild of NordicTrack) because it was cheap ($500), quick to deliver, (BestBuy) and also because Concept2 is (?was) on backorder. It’s solid for now. Importantly, it is quiet, which helps since I workout in the early morning. Also, it folds. I disliked rowing (boring) at Orange Theory but I love my home rower. We looked at the NordicTrack Rower but SO MANY poor reviews about bent materials and parts. The bad reviews of ProForm were really more about the iFIT not the rower itself. The ProForm and NordicTrack both use iFIT, a less sophisticated version of the Peloton App. The iFIT seems to have a lot more programs for the treads and bikes, but there are plenty to keep you occupied on the rower. It also automatically adjusts the resistance. Most rowing programs/apps are based on settings on a Concept2, so they are not as streamlined to use but still doable. If you are just trying to stay active, ProForm is great for a full body workout- just make sure you learn correct form. If you are serious about rowing, it may not meet your standards.

  6. Anon

    I was a little late for the grumpy husband thread this morning. I am in the same boat. My husband seems to be taking the pandemic personally, as if he is the only one affected, and b1tching about all the things he had planned to do this year that we can no longer do. It’s almost like he’s complaining to me, Mommy, for not letting him do the things. He is driving me up a wall.

    And by the way, I lost my job in this thing, and am the higher income spouse. But sure, b1tch to me for the millionth time about how we can’t go to Disneyland.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly if your husband is a grown man who wants to go to Disneyland, he may be beyond help.

      Kidding, kidding, and sending all the hugs. I have no advice. This is hard.

      • Anon

        Yikes. That was really kicking someone when she’s down, even if it was a “joke.”

      • Anonymous

        Going to Disney in the summer seems like the worst thing ever. I might could go to Disney if it were somewhere not hotter than hell’s front door right now. Like Disney Canada if it were by where Anne of Green Gables is from (not where they grow wheat — that place is probably hot in the summer).

      • OP

        He wants to take the kids to Disneyland actually. It’s kind of sweet how excited he gets about it, but the level of complaining about it is getting to me.

        • Anonymous

          Why’s now? It is wretched in my state that is north of Orlando. Plus hurricanes. It sounds lovely in February.

          • Anon

            Disneyland’s in California. I’m not a Disney person but I would honestly just let him go with the kids if he cares that much about it. I’m the less risk-averse person in my relationship as far as Covid goes (though we are both overall pretty cautious about it) and it caused a lot of fighting when he was treating me like he was my parent and telling me I couldn’t do XYZ activity I wanted to do.

          • Anonymous

            I think each side of the country has a Disney. IDK how it is in California, but tons of people visit the east coast one in the summer. You could fry an egg on the pavement now, so no thanks.

      • No Face

        Well, this makes glad that my husband and I are *both* sad about not being able to go to Disney. Our only solace is that when it’s safe to go, our kids will be able to do more.

        I am a huge theme park fan. I finally put my pregnancy years behind me, and now I probably won’t go on a rollercoaster for years!

    • Anonymous

      I have a different grumpy husband, who is arguing about how to do EVERYTHING. If anyone would like a long lecture on how to use our microwave, ping me, I have the guy for you.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Holy god, nothing takes me from 0-100 like this. Especially with regard to the dishwasher and vacuuming. You have my sympathies.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        Ugh, yes, the dreaded “I know you do all the laundry but less me launch into a two-hour lecture about the appropriate way to pour detergent” speech.

      • OP

        No thank you. I’ve already had the lecture on how to load the dishwasher. Many times.

      • Horse Crazy

        I feel that.
        Him: “you know, you should really scrub that pot with the softer side of the sponge.”
        Me: “you know, you should really try doing the dishes every once in a freaking while instead of critiquing the only person who ensures we have clean plates in the house.”

        Adding that he does a lot of work around the house, but do I tell him how to clean out the gutters? NOPE.

    • Hildegard

      Could it be that he’s dealing with anxiety and complaining is the release valve for his tension? I ask because my husband has GAD and we deal with this in our relationship. I set up boundaries because I don’t want to live in a constantly negative environment, but sometimes those boundaries look like me asking, “You’re complaining a lot about this. Are you dealing with anxiety about this subject?” It usually helps change conversation to something more productive.

  7. Advice for living with a hypochondriac

    Advice on living with a hypochondriac during these times? He never has a mere headache, it could be cancer. Normally, I keep this a him problem and note that he will likely be found dead alone at home because he has a reputation, totally earned, as someone who cries wolf. But what do I do? I have to go in Monday for an allergy shot (very much needed) and DH “doesn’t feel good, like he might have allergies or a scratchy throat.” His hypochondria is not new but may be worsening and the Qs I get when I go for my healthcare are asking about anyone I live with. He doesn’t go out and this is annoying me to the point where if I miss out on my healthcare because of him I will probably be so resentful I’d move out (my health needs require lots of visits now due to cervical cancer treatment). Dude: man up. I am fed up.

  8. Duvet cover

    On the topic of little upgrades, can anyone recommend a nice duvet cover? It needs to be easily washable (hairy dog) and I don’t mind a bit of a splurge (since I’m home all the time now anyway). Also, any favorite sheets you can recommend?

    • BB

      For a real splurge, check out Yves Delorme. We have their sheets/duvet covers and they are divine in both percale and sateen. We wash ours every other week and have had 2 sets for ~5 years. They are holding up well both in terms of no tears or anything and the color is still bright. We did lose a button at some point on the closure, but that’s it! If you get them on sale, they’re reasonably affordable luxury sheets!

      • Formerly Lilly

        Second this suggestion. I have a twenty-five year old Yves Delorme duvet cover that still looks pristine. It was the main bed cover for about six years until we got a king bed, and then It went to a guest room.

    • mascot

      I’ve got a couple of Pottery Barn duvet covers and they are easy to care for. Our linen blend one stands up to the canine bedmates.

      • aBr

        We love the waffle duvets from pottery barn… and they’ve survived our large cats claws as he thinks the beds are his own personal playground

    • Anon

      My duvet covers from The Company Store have held up for years. Wait for a sale though.

    • Anon

      Honestly I used to buy the high end stuff but the duvet cover I’m currently using was an impulse buy at IKEA. I just liked the color.

      I also bought the matching sheets in the same color but I don’t like those as well and ended up replacing them with 800 thread count ones in a very close color match from amazon.

      But the duvet cover and shams are great. No regrets, holding up really well, and very easy on the wallet.

    • MJ

      Garnet Hill has really beautiful duvets. My first two lasted 12 years(!) and my new set is going on 7 years!

      • Anon

        My daughter currently uses a Garnet Hill duvet cover I bought in 1990. Seriously, it has been in regular use for all but about 4 of the intervening years.

    • Anon

      Look at linen. They’re pricier and camouflage dog hair and stains. I just got one at West Elm but I’m sure there are much nicer linen options out there.

  9. Anonymous

    I need a reality check — if someone older in your life (parent) has anxiety/depression or maybe a touch of both but doesn’t take any suggestions from anyone, is there anything you as the “child” (age 40+ though so not a kid) or their spouse can do? He’s tried meds for 2-3 days and then stopped because he doesn’t want to take them. Ok nothing wrong with that but then it’ll be 2 therapy appointments and then — this doesn’t work. And then all the suggestions to try yoga, meditation, working out etc are in one ear out the other because he’s decided it doesn’t work. I myself have done meditations in stretches where I was anxious and found it DID work and worked within like 3-4 days with just the Calm app for like 10-20 min day so I wasn’t doing anything fancy or anything requiring 24-7 attention — he shrugs that off. Frankly we all feel like doing ANYTHING that involves not sitting on the couch from morning until night reading who knows what on the iphone will help. This isn’t pandemic related as it’s been an issue for a few years now though I imagine as with everyone the pandemic has heightened everything.

    Is this the point where the kid and spouse say — ok well you know your options? It just feels frustrating when someone is bothered by something, talks about it, but refuses to actually even try anything and instead says it won’t work!? Meanwhile I’m thinking entire cultural philosophies (not ours though) are built on yoga or mindfulness, it must have SOME benefit if you actually do it instead of saying it’s dumb. I think a lot of it may be that retirement boredom that men slip into and I feel horrible when I think this but all I can think is — you’re a grown adult who can figure out your own boredom and not expect the spouse and every kid to be running circles around this especially when growing up or now we were never even a family that spoke of feelings ever or in the most superficial ways and the response was always silence/why are you telling me this/don’t worry about it. I don’t want to be rude or unsupportive but at what point can you feel okay with — look I’ve given my opinion, you haven’t taken it??

    • Anonymous

      You’re there. Infact You’re really beyond that point. Can’t make adults do what they don’t want to do. Even spouses

    • Airplane.

      You disengage. If you’re talking about an old man who won’t change his ways or try anything new and just insists on complaining about the exact. same. things. then he simply doesn’t have a free audience or free access to your time. Change the subject “well, we’ve talked about this and you know my suggestions and it seems you’ve dismissed them, so let me know if you change your mind but otherwise I’m done talking about this, what else is going on?” I will tell you that my mom and I have a far from perfect relationship but I’ve found that she and women her age are NOT like this, it’s a lot of men who retire from their jobs and feel irrelevent because they don’t have a built in workplace audience and didn’t maintain and invest in non-family non-work friendships and take it out on the people in their life by refusing to consider trying something new and basically act like energy vampires.

    • Equestrian Attorney

      It’s hard. My mother struggles with anxiety and depression but claims she is “fine” and “just needs to be more positive” every time I suggest getting help. Yet she still calls me in tears telling me about how terrible her life is and explodes into the occasional violent outburst (she’s a lovely person the rest of the time, but I’m in my thirties and the random hurtful yelling still hurts). So the only thing I have been able to do is set my own boundaries, and hope that my dad survives the whole situation.

    • Carrie

      Does your parent have a primary care doctor that he has a good relationship with?

      My father had untreated major depression for decades. What finally worked was contacting his primary care doctor ahead of time, explaining what was going on, and asking him to ask about it at the next appointment. These days, this can be done in an email. Keep it short, but clear. I then went to the appointment with my Dad. I don’t know how old your parents are, but mine were old enough and with serious enough issues that they appreciated having family go to doctor’s appointments with them.

      Sometimes it just takes an outside person, that your parent respects, to say the same exact words you are saying… and then they will listen. Even better if it is a doctor who can prescribe medication and talk about the risks/benefits and follow-up with him.

  10. Serafina

    Has anyone ordered/returned from Athleta/Gap/BR lately? How is the turnaround time for processing returns?

    I’d like to order some joggers from Athleta, but am not sure how well they will fit. I recall that Gap was potentially filing for bankruptcy and the prospect of returns was iffy. Is that still the case?

    • givemyregards

      I’ve seen others here saying that it’s been really slow, but I sent it a return maybe a month ago and it was processed fairly quickly – or at least not slow enough that I noticed. Seems like it’s hit or miss, though.

    • anon

      I sent an Old Navy return and it was processed fairly quickly, pretty much within normal time frames.

    • Vicky Austin

      I did two, maybe three Gap/ON orders shortly after the time of the bankruptcy announcement and had no problems. I just ordered from Gap again yesterday; guess we’ll see on that one.

    • Annony

      I ordered something from Athleta and the return section explicitly recommended doing an in-store return. I took their advice, stopped by the store (located in an outdoor shopping center, not a mall), was in and out in 3 minutes.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Returns took almost 8 weeks. It did eventually go through but ugh it was frustrating.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Returns were really slow to me, and I had to email/chat to get it done

    • anon

      The bankruptcy filing does not seem to have impacted the speed of returns for me (BR, Athleta, Gap, and Old Navy). They have always been slow, as is Nordstrom.

    • Cat

      No issue with order speeds at Gap or Athleta, but fortunately I was happy with the items so have no recent returns info.

      Nordstrom returns are taking longer than normal but I think they said to expect that (fewer staff doing the processing and they also let boxes sit several days on purpose prior to opening).

    • Gap customer

      I returned instore but they couldn’t find 2 transactions (I have a GAP card) so now have to return online too. Overall piss poor performance from gap.

  11. Senior Attorney

    PSA: I am watching Beyonce’s Black is King on Disney Plus and it’s blowing my mind. Highly recommend.

  12. Anonymous

    It’s been over 6 months since my last professional haircut, and my first attempt at taking off some length myself was only partly successful in taming my hair. I have thick hair and think I need to add layers. Anyone try this with thinning shears? Also open to recommendations on specific shears. It seems like the options are either $200.

    • Anonymous

      There’s a technique you can do with your regular hair scissors. Put your hair in a ponytail at the crown of your head then pick up the hair and hold it forward over the top of your head at a 45 degree angle and cut off the end of the hair. (Maybe try a small amount of length at a time.) Look for a tutorial with images/video. It creates a lot of layers over your whole head, which does lighten the weight and create volume.

      • Anonymous

        Oops, I’m pretty sure you’re also supposed to bend forward at the waist 90 degrees, so you’re kind of doing this upside down.

    • Anon

      I bought $20 thinning shears off Amazon and they were a game changer. Viewed a quick YouTube tutorial and was able to take half my volume out (goodbye ponytail headaches!). Even used it on DH with success. Highly recommend.

  14. Anonymous

    What’s made you deliriously happy lately?

    For me I’ve been in a book plateau where I have lots of allegedly great books I just don’t want to read. I committed to reading 50 pages of one this morning (Bookish Life of Nina Hill) and am now really excited for the day to end so I can read more, yay!

    • SSJD

      A morning spent paddle boarding on a calm river. It was an outing with my kids (led by a guy who has all the gear, knows the river, etc.). Actually felt like real summer vacation. It was a new activity for me, and I enjoyed being active outside plus the zen of balancing on the water. It was great!

    • Anon

      I am a single and childless 40-year-old woman who recently subscribed to the Disney app and it is bringing me so much joy. Watching old Disney films is the comfort blanket I needed at this stage in the pandemic.

      • Anon

        And you get Hamilton, which is totally worth it. I was a skeptic who didn’t understand the hype but I see now. I see.

    • Airplane.

      My skincare routine. You’re Wrong About podcast and Rom Com Pod. Mentoring interns. What Kate Finds on instagram. Heather McMahon’s Aboslutely Not podcast.

    • Senior Attorney

      In addition to the Beyonce movie I mentioned above (Anon at 3:59 p.m., take note!), I just got word that I won a Twitter giveaway for a free copy of a new fantasy book! Big fun!

  15. CPA Lady

    Vent: Ugh. It has been such a rough day and a half. I have discovered three (!!!) mistakes I’ve made at work over the past five or so months all in the span of 24 hours. Varying levels of severity. I’ve done what I can to deal with them, but it just feels terrible. I just want to go hide under my covers and not come out til covid is over. In lieu of that, I have to manage preparing to home-school my child, working full time from home, and moving during fall tax season, because I’m a lunatic and thought buying a house during tax season in a pandemic was a genius move. fml. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.

    • Jules

      Oh, this is really a lot to handle. Try to get some time for youself this weekend to breathe and recharge. And, yes, even if there will be some rough times, it IS going to be okay. You’ve got this.

    • Airplane.

      Ugh I’m sorry. Remember, likely no one perceived all three mistakes and even if they did, they didn’t focus on them together because it was over a span of 5 months! You just discovered them all in the last 24 hours so you’re hyperfocused on them.

    • Anonymous

      I review a lot of work product before it goes to clients and everyone is more error prone these days, I think it’s a result of the stress we are all under and the multi tasking we are trying to do WFH. So chalk it up to COVID Times, not a personal issue, and build in more time to spot check things.

  16. House Hunting

    I wanted to thank everyone who commented last Friday about house hunting, and update that we have an offer accepted! We walked away from a house that we see now could have been an expensive mistake, and instead hustled to present the very first offer in on this home, which got it accepted!

  17. Anonymous

    I’m having trouble getting back to lifting weights. It feels like I’ve lost a lot of strength and if I do ANYTHING I’m sore for days. Where should I start? NROLFW? 30-Day Shred? A video/squat routine I’d do normally but body weight only?

    • anon8

      I would check out the strength training videos from FitnessBlender. I bought their FB Strong workout program, but there are plenty of free videos to get started.

    • Anonymous

      What kind of equipment do you have? I am also getting back into strength training and like this kettlebell workout:

      https://www.oxygenmag.com/training/full-body-kettlebell-workout-8849

      I am also doing push-ups and pull-ups and working on the Turkish get-up.

      I have enjoyed the 30-day shred in the past, but it’s a lot of reps with light weights and doesn’t seem to do much for me in terms of strength. NROLFW works towards lifting heavy and requires more equipment than most people have at home.

    • Airplane.

      I feel you. I dread the day I get back into the gym with real weights and see how much I’ve lost. I’ve tried to maintain as much strength and muscle as possible – protein, doing as much as I can with 20lbs dumbbells, glute bands and mini bands, but it’s not the same.

    • Kitten

      I recommend Strong Curves by Bret Contreras. It changed my body more than anything I’ve tried before (marathon training, NROWLFW) and I’m in better shape in my 30s than ever before. It starts out with mostly body weight stuff. The program emphasizes strengthening the posterior chain and as a bonus really helped me recover from a lower back injury.

      I would recommend supplementing this with yoga.

      Unfortunately I don’t have access to weights right now, otherwise I’d still be doing it. :(

    • Anon

      Accept that you’re going to be sore for the first week or so. I don’t think there’s a way to do a lot of meaningful exercise without going through that.

  18. Anon

    Recently discovered my ex from nearly a decade ago has a GF with a public instagram. It’s full of pics of them. I’m married and over him, but I can’t stop prying- and I really don’t want to. I should just block her profile, right?

    • Equestrian Attorney

      I mean, we all do this occasionally. If it’s the occasional “oh hey John and his new family look cute” and then you spend about ten seconds wondering what it would have been like if it had been you instead of her, I think that’s fine. If it’s becoming obsessive, you may be better off blocking. I did block one of my exes when I was TTC and his new wife was so gloriously pregnant all over Facebook, because it was taking me to a bad, bad place. Haven’t unblocked him since and don’t really think about it anymore.

    • Of Counsel

      You know you should so here is a friendly internet stranger giving you a push. I understand the impulse but if looking at those pictures is making you unhappy but you cannot stop yourself, then block her!

    • Anon

      Think of how mortified you’d be if you accidentally liked one of her pictures. Use that feeling to press the block button instead.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, this! I actually do check out the Instagram of one of my ex boyfriends- the one I thought I’d marry. He is a vaguely public personality with a public insta. I also follow his private one.

        But i openly “like” The photos and occasionally comment. We have kids the same age and it’s cute to see them!

        I don’t still have any kind of relationship with my ex, but I did meet him and his wife years back. He is still friends with a friend of mine so i guess we second-hand keep in touch.

        Plus, his vaguely famous (this is a stretch but I don’t have a better word. He’s an author) personality benefits from my insta traction.

    • SMC-San Diego

      If she is posting public pictures, it is not prying to look at them. If looking at them is making you unhappy or you feel like you are getting obsessive (no judgment! happens to the best of us!) then block her.

      If you look at them and think, “oh that is nice. I am glad he looks happy. It all turned out for the best.” then by all means look. If they cause less wholesome feelings, then block her.

  19. Anon

    Between Covid and the incoming hurricane season, my anxiety is increasing and I want to put together a more robust emergency kit and have it all in one spot. I already have things like bottled water, canned food, extra cat food, can opener, flashlight, lantern, batteries, bandaids. What are some other ideas? The only additional item I’ve come up with is cash. I’m also interested in storing a few items in my car that could be useful in emergencies, such as a blanket. So house and/or car ideas welcome!

    • SC

      For your home–a gas grill or propane burner plus propane (if your stove is electric), matches, a large cooler, an emergency (hand crank) radio, materials to board up windows, a tarp and buckets in case of a leak or hole in the roof, sandbags (I used cat litter in trash bags during Isaac), baby wipes/moist towelettes, a water filter, a whistle, a hatchet (keep in the attic), a whistle, tall rain boots. Also, I keep my important paper documents in one drawer and plan to pack them quickly in case we evacuate.

      For your car–first aid kit, a detailed map or atlas, a printout of evacuation routes/contraflow for your area, jumper cables, flares, extra charger, whistle, tool to break windows on each side of the car, flash lights, head lamps, neon vest. Take your car to the mechanic to be checked, and keep the gas tank at least half full throughout hurricane season. My parents always kept 2 cans of gas in the garage during hurricane season, but I don’t feel like I can safely store it.

      Write down phone numbers of people and businesses you may want to contact. We’re so used to being able to look things up, but you may need to preserve cell phone battery or could even lose your phone.

      • Carmen Sandiego

        SC – reading your list makes me feel so much better! I felt like I was over the top, but looks like our list is similar!

    • Anon

      You need to Google this and get results from the Red Cross and similar agencies. That’s going to be a lot better validated and more comprehensive than random results here. There are a lot of easy checklists that will pop up on the first Google search.

      • Anon

        Those lists are fine but Google hasn’t thought of everything. There are plenty of creative solutions to be discovered through community discussion.

        • Anon

          Sure, but those lists should be the starting point. The community creativity can come in later. I’m not saying it to nitpick OP, but because the lists are solid, evidence-based, and realistic. They’re clearly the logical place to start.

          • Anon

            I have already started there. That is what I was trying to convey by saying “I already have things like x, x, x, etc.”

      • Anon EM

        Also find your local emergency management agency and check their site. If they don’t have anything published, reach out and ask!

        A lot of this can be hyper location dependent, so they’ll have the best list for your area

    • Carmen Sandiego

      Hurricane supplies are very (very) location dependent and what you need is dependent on your risk-tolerance (i.e. how likely you are to evacuate) and how likely certain things are to happen. Here are some ideas, but they vary wildly:

      – If you think you might need to evacuate last minute, a filled gas can stored in the shed or garage, or an empty gas can in case you have to hit the road in traffic and want to be able to fill up and keep the can in your trunk should you end up stuck in evacuation traffic for hours.
      – An emergency, waterproof, battery-operated radio in case the power goes down (and the internet with it).
      – A backup battery charger that can hold multiple cell phone charges, and keep it fully charged during the season.
      – An axe in your attic in the event the water rises too quickly to escape and you have to seek shelter on your roof. Maybe a life vest and a backpack carrier for your cat if this happens; I’ve had friends who have had to shove cats/dogs in school bags when they get rescued in boats – hopefully it doesn’t come to that.
      – Camping/propane stove. (Be careful if you have to use it though – don’t want an emergency on top of an emergency. Along those lines, probably also a fire extinguisher and know how to use it.)
      – An ice chest full with ice if you think power might be down long enough to affect the fridge, but not so long that you have to lose everything.
      – Wine, rum, and vodka.
      – An air mattress in case you’re the only one with power and you get an emergency guest.
      – Board that will fit over your windows, just to have on-hand if you need to board up and leave (or stay). You can keep this and use for all hurricanes. (Alternatively, duct tape as some people tape windows instead.)
      – If you’re staying, some tarp in case you get a tree through your roof or something, and need to just patch it to prevent incoming water.
      – Sandbags (you can probably worry about this once there’s an imminent threat, though).

    • Anon

      A couple of good books, bird feeder and birdseed (put out a feeder after the storm’s passed – it’s something nice to watch while the power’s out).
      Spare propane cylinder.
      Earplugs for those jackasses who keep their generator running all night. Every neighborhood has at least one.

    • Anon EM

      Seeing this very late – but hi! I’m an emergency manager.

      SC’s list is excellent.

      Have copies of all important documentation in your go bag (license, health insurance, social security card, birth certificate/marriage license, lease/property deed/mortgage info/homeowners or renters insurance, car title/car insurance, all medication prescriptions, pet info, etc. Also have a written list of phone numbers and addresses for family, friends, and other important numbers (doctors), etc. The public is generally good about food/water but doesn’t think to include documentation. Don’t assume you’ll be able to use your cell phone to look this info up.

      Extra sets of house and car keys.

      As a rule I never let my car get below half tank, usually I top off at 3/4s full. My family laughs at me but I always say you never know when you’ll need to evacuate! I hardly use my car, so I only fill up once a month.

    • Anonymous

      Cash should be a mix of denominations, not just 20s. we’ve had situations before the power goes out where the gas stations become cash only, and they don’t give change.
      We have a big box of heavy duty garbage bags that would be useful all sorts of things, from covering furniture to showing our stuff into them, plus debris removal afterwards or emptying the fridge before we evacuate.

  20. MPLS Therapist (ASAP)

    A close friend with a personality disorder just moved to Minneapolis and is doing…not well. All my leads on therapists there have fizzled, and she isn’t in a condition to find one herself. Any leads (psychologist or psychiatrist would be fine)? She is in her 30s, BPD/narcissist, high functioning normally and very smart. Thanks x10000000

    • Anonymous

      Nope nope nope. You need to be less involved in your friend’s mental Health not more.

    • Anonymous

      I also agree with the poster who suggests that you nope out of this. Here’s two things she can do without your help:

      Did she have providers before she moved? If so, it’s likely they would be willing to do telemedicine with her. Even if they didn’t practice telemedicine before, it is a pandemic.

      If her condition is severe, she can go to the emergency room and follow up on the referral they give her upon discharge.

      • OP

        What’s with these responses? I’m not flying out to tend to her, I’m not letting her take over my life, I am merely seeing if I can get her a few names/numbers to help get her back on track. I myself have a personality disorder, that’s how we met, and I am sort of dismayed that the women on this syte would give such untailored, uninformed advice given the facts I’ve laid out. I would hope someone in the world would make the same effort for me if I were in the same position (new city, new job, COVID limitations, instability). Going to the ER is not necessary and I doubt would be productive give my own psych ER experiences. Her old psych did not know anyone in the area and has only given her one name, of someone not willing to take on new patients. If you know someone, please share. If not, thanks for the consideration, but I don’t need your extraneous advice.

        • Senior Attorney

          It may be beyond her ability if she’s struggling, but I’ve had good luck with the Psychology Today dot com therapist finder tool.

          • Hola

            Not OP but usually therapists are only licensed to practice in specific states so when a client moves out of state, it necessitates finding a new provider. Telemedicine may make that a bit more flexible (?) but my understanding is there are still limits.

    • Anon

      Try doing an internet searches with the city & state name and DBT. It’s the most successful treatment for BPD. There are not a lot of trained practitioners, but its worth a shot. Also, yes Psychology Today has a search engine and you can put in BPD and NPD – so that can be helpful. Its important to confirm with the therapist that they have experience treating personality disorders as some therapists will list it as experience after attending a 2 day workshop.

    • Anon

      You’re a good friend for looking into this for her. One of my friends looked up therapists for me when I needed it, and I am grateful to her.

      Her previous therapist may not be able to do telemedicine across state lines but can recommend someone.

  21. LaurenB

    Looking to buy a Go Pro-style for my son who will be using it just for casual fun use to record what he does when he bikes, hikes, etc. Doesn’t need to be professional quality or anything. Not looking to spend Go Pro prices of $300+ … interested in spending more in the $150 range. Any suggestions?

  22. Anon

    Looking for patio heater recommendations. We haven’t been able to get away this summer so I need to bring outdoor relaxation to me. Live in San Francisco, which means many days are grey and cold and evenings chilly.

    • Layla

      Caveat that it hasn’t arrived yet, but did some research and bought the Fire Sense 46,000 BTU patio heater that runs on propane. My spouse is slightly nervous re: safety, but I’m trying to assure him that we won’t leave it unattended. Most colors were already sold out, so seems like other folks have the same thought.

  23. Anon

    What are some ways to call out or correct colleagues using sexist speech. I have a few senior level colleagues (older men) who use the word “b*tching” when they actually mean complaining. The context is not concerning; it’s the use of the word. I have heard them use this word in small and large group calls. I have contemplated making a public correction (“you mean complaining, right?”). I am an executive in the company and dont have a problem calling or emailing them directly, but not sure what to say. Also, since it’s more than one senior college, I feel like this should be mentioned more broadly.

    • The Original...

      What about something like, “that word has a lot of sexist undertones… though I don’t disagree with your want to complain” or something where you explain why you’re not okay with the word and use the word “complain” to give them a word instead? I think it IS tricky but can be done. You could even say, “I was just reading how that word is one that is being phased out because it is so sexist!” so it’s something seen as generally happening, not just one person who could be accused of being too sensitive.

      • Anon

        +1 and in any event if you want to push for a different term, I think whining is closer to the meaning of b*tching over complaining but even that isn’t a great substitute

      • Anon

        Another who would not bring it up. But I am getting really tired of what I view as performative wokeness which does not actually make a d*mm bit of difference.

        The problem for women in the workplace is unequal pay, lack of maternity benefits and child care, and (in the legal world) being constantly asked to do secretarial/non-billable work because of the assumption that we can type, make copies, etc. when the male associates are never asked to do that. (And I realize that is not an exhaustive list.) It is not some person (man or woman) saying b*tching.

      • Anon

        I agree. There’s an enormous difference between the phrase “she’s a b*tch” and “won’t stop b*tching about X.” I would push back hard on the former, but would ignore the latter. But I grew up hearing my ultrafeminist mother use the latter phrase so I’ve never really associated it with sexism. Also I think it captures something that words like “complaining” don’t.

    • Anon

      I used that word above in my post about grumpy husband. I never think of the word as associated with the word b1tch, though I do use the 1 in both words because I’m trying to avoid m0d.

      I don’t have another unique word in my vocab that means what this one does.

      Complaining is close, but complaining can be more of a one-time thing, and more related to a single unfortunate occurrence. For instance, complaining about a specific occurrence of being treated unfairly at work.

      B1tching, to me, is when you complain on and on about something no one can do anything about, and often a minor annoyance. For instance, b1tching that you have to be at work at 8:30 every day.

    • LaurenB

      I don’t see “bitching” as sexist. A man can bitch and a woman can bitch. Honestly I’d roll my eyes at someone who objected to bitching on that grounds. I would object to bitching as a (mild) vulgarity before I’d object to it on sexist grounds. This is just a little too performative for my taste.

  24. CareerSwitch

    My industry has been decimated by Covid and I’ve decided to do a tech bootcamp and make a career switch. Has anyone else done this and if so what advice do you have? Also, any advice or feedback on companies would be appreciated!

    • Anonymous

      You’d probably get some good responses if you post this at askamanager on the Friday open thread for work-related topics.

    • ThirdJen

      My husband just did this – do you have an email? He moved from HR leadership and just landed with a tech company, took him 9 months.

  25. Doing the thing

    I’m a senior leader at a traditional company in a liberal coastal city . I volunteered to start a working parents group at work, on yammer. Any advice? I don’t want to get mommy tracked by doing this, so will make it private. Then have HR send an email blast to get members, then poll to see current topics of interest so that we can have monthly 30 minute sessions (recorded for those who can’t attend) from in house experts or external speakers.

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