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Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I always like the look of faux leather leggings — it's just a slightly elevated loungey look. These new versions from Spanx are all nice variations — patent leather! stripes! moto! shiny camo!

These embossed croc ones are my favorite of the new batch, I think — I like the texture. They're $98 at Nordstrom, available in sizes XS-XL. The Spanx site has even more options, including faux leopard leather!

(Another faux leather loungey look I'm seeing more and more of: leather shorts, to wear with black tights — if you're into it you can check them out at Express, H&M, Mango, ASOS, Kohl's, and others…)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

295 Comments

  1. I got a job offer last night! My current job ends Dec 4, so I was really starting to panic. But I’m so excited!

    Now that I know I’ll be working from home for the foreseeable future, I need to buy a printer/scanner for my home office. Any recommendations? I probably won’t be using it every day, so it doesn’t need to be industrial, just reliable. I’d like to spend $350 or less. 

    Also, I want to spruce up my home office in general. I’ll probably be getting a new desk and chair, but what else do you think makes your home office comfortable and cozy?

    1. We have an HP Office Jet Pro 9010 that we got right at the start of the WFH order and we’ve been very pleased (something I’ve never ever said about a printer before).

      1. We have an HP three in one and it’s held up well to the two of us working from home.

    2. Congrats! Is this the government job you were interviewing for? How did the salary negotiation go?

      1. Yes, it is, thank you! And I was unable to negotiate because I don’t have any previous civil service time – I’ve been working for another branch of the government, but apparently that doesn’t count towards civil service time. Oh well. I appreciated everyone’s advice, though!

        1. Yeah, I get it – sometimes asking for more is just not an option. But best of luck in the new role!

    3. Oh and to answer your actual questions – here are the things that have made my home office better:
      1. Electric throw blanket because I am always freezing
      2. A real desk chair – adjustable, swivel-able
      3. A big monitor, external keyboard and mouse
      4. Stacking my laptop – which has the integrated camera – onto a pile of books, so I’m not looking down into the camera during zoom calls
      5. Creating an L-shaped desk out of two small tables, so I can swivel from one surface dedicated to my computer and a second surface dedicated to my notebook/forms/any other paper tasks
      6. A yeti blue snowball microphone so I sound better on zoom

    4. A monitor for sure. It makes life so much easier.

      Plants, art, a good mug and water bottle, and slippers.

    5. I’m not normally a plant person but I bought a pandemic plant for my office and I’m in love with her. Her name is Thelma.

    6. Congrats on your new job! I have been following your posts and happy things have worked out for you – yay!

    7. Congratulations!

      Regarding the printer/scanner, I use – and got for my 25-y-o law student kid – a very basic Brother model that works great. I don’t think it cost much more than $100 at Best Buy.

    8. Congratulations! We have an Oki MB451w printer/scanner/copier that my DH & I share on our home network. It’s a laser printer that would also act as a fax machine if we had a phone line for it.

    9. Congratulations! A few things I like in my home office setup:
      – Steelcase Think chair, which I bought refurbished for $300 at a local used office furniture store — best money I’ve spent all year, hands down!
      – Second monitor
      – Giant 30+ fl oz insulated cup, which helps me to drink so much more water than just using a regular glass
      – Name plate that says “Girl Boss” — always cheers me up when I look at it
      – A scented candle in a light fresh scent
      – Hand cream kept in the desk drawer

    10. I am very happy with my Canon TR8500, especially for the price. I have been happy with the print, scan, and copy functions. It is pretty fast and I am happy with the page capacity for all functions. I am not sure if this is a currently-sold model, but there should be something similar on the market from Canon.

    11. Congrats!

      Printer: Brother laser printer. Whatever one you think will work best- I have one of the basic print/scan/copy models. I’ve had it since 2013. It still works perfectly. And I only have to replace the toner every 8-12 months!

      Other stuff:
      Good lighting. I have this: TaoTronics LED Desk Lamp Fully Rotatable Dimmable, Wider Lighting Zone, USB Charging Port, 4 Color Modes & 4 Brightness Levels, 1 Hour Timer, Official member of Philips Enabled Licensing program. Literally just learned it has a USB as I was looking it up. I really like it- it’s the perfect height to sit right above my laptop, has 4 different warmths of light, and it’s sturdy. I also have a lamp behind me from Target that I like, just a basic floor lamp.

      A throw blanket. I have one from Nordstrom I got during the anniversary sale but just something you can curl up into if it’s cold in your workspace.

      Good slippers. This isn’t technically a WFH necessity, but practically, it totally is. I have the Ugg Ainsley slippers and as someone said the other day, I would take these things if my house was on fire.

      Highlighters and pens- I always had those available to me at work, but felt like I was always on the hunt for them at home. I have very specific office supply preferences so I just bought an economy sized pack of both the pens and highlighters I liked. Has improved my work situation by a lot. Same with the little flag post it notes.

      Something that makes you smile in your workspace. A plant, a photo, a fun action figure (I have an RBG action figure right above my computer and a Nancy Pearl action figure on a different shelf), etc.

    12. I have been trying to buy a Brother laser printer-scanner-copier for months, and the models I want are either sold out or pricejacked into oblivion. Apparently Covid has everyone building a home office at the same time.

  2. Voting help please? I am another one caught up by USPS as discussed this morning. Registered to vote in Ohio, currently residing in Florida due to covid. Completed the absentee form and tracked everything. It was approved. Ballot shows it was mailed on October 6. Ballot never arrived. I tried calling and they said there were many mail delays both in Ohio and in Florida and to just be patient. I cannot register to vote in Florida at this address (the window has long closed) and it does not look online like I can print my own ballot and just overnight mail it in. I am worried that, if it does not arrive by mail today, it will be too late, even with overnight mail. I cannot afford (due to health) to fly to Ohio to vote in person and to drive would take multiple days and mean hotels and health risks too (plus I do not think I could financially afford it). Is there an alternative I am not seeing here or did the mess with USPS actually prevent me from voting?

    1. Call Ohio’s election office. In my state there’s a fax option, maybe that exists there?

      1. Definitely call your state and local election authorities, or a local voter protection hotline. A commenter (kindly rudely, in my opinion) raised the FWAB as an option but it looks like that is only available for people overseas or in the military.

        Good luck!

    2. I am very sorry but I think it might have. If it comes today or even Monday you could try and overnight Fedex it to someone in Ohio to drop it off in person for you, or Fedex it to the county office. I know people who have done that.

      1. I’m an attorney in Ohio, and this is correct – it has to be at the County Board of Elections by Election Day or postmarked – by the post office, not a postage meter, and yes you have to watch to make sure they do it – by Monday 11/2 AND received within 10 days of the election.

        You may still be able to return yours on time if you get it as late as Monday and send it overnight either to a “close family member” who can drop it off at the BOE (not a local polling place) on Tuesday or overnight it directly to the BOE.

        This is terrible and shameful that the cuts to the postal service may mean that you and others will not be able to vote.

    3. It doesn’t need to arrive today. In OH it needs to arrive by the close of polls on the 3rd. It may very well have arrived but just isn’t in the system yet. So don’t give up hope and you’ve done all you can do.

      2. The ballot needs to arrive at the BOE by the close of voting, but the problem here is not that the OP’s completed ballot hasn’t been received but that she did not get the ballot that was sent to her. It is infuriating

    4. You should try this voter protection hotline: 866-OUR-VOTE. They will have much better information than us!

      1. Yes and no – they’re staffed by volunteer lawyers and I just did a volunteer shift yesterday, so their information is quite possibly the information of commenters here. : ) Having seen a number of these queries yesterday, the ultimate answer was indeed to call your local election officials to see if there is a way around, but often there sadly is not.

        1. 100%, go team EP! I’ve also done some shifts :) I think if you have a minute, you should call to record the problem. Part of the 866-Our-Vote work is helping voters, but the other part is recording the type and location of problems for follow on litigation and advocacy.

    7. No help but same boat. Living in a different state during covid, requested a ballot in September, their tracker shows two were sent and “delivered” but neither arrived… I’m voting in a state where my vote doesn’t really “matter” but still disappointed and worried about how many people this happened to (though my very informal Instagram poll showed over 90% of my friends who had requested ballots did receive them at least)

    8. If you have a car, drive or fly there and vote in person on Election Day if possible.

      1. I am absolutely certain this is where my ballot is; it’s the only answer to why something mailed on 10-9 has still not arrived. My family is also missing paychecks that were sent at the beginning of the month. Luckily, we can make do until they eventually arrive but we know many cannot. As for voting, without the money to fly there and without feeling safe to do so due to being high risk, I am running out of hope that the ballot will arrive to me on time to get it UPS overnight mailed to a friend who can drop it in the box. I am truly sick about this.

        1. Your family might want to consider getting direct deposit for paychecks vs relying on the mail.

          1. I wish we could, truly, but not everywhere or everyone offers this option. We do for those who will, we’re stuck with checks for the rest, which is why we can make do until the checks arrive (we do have some money coming in) but some payment has to come in by check.

  3. Trying to find this dress or something as similar as possible: https://imgur.com/a/X4FaZ

    (I tried to social media message the person and they did not respond.)

    It looks like it’s able to be worn under a real bra, not clingy on the lower tummy, and could be easily hemmed for short people, while still flattering. Considering the source, I am figuring it is probably not super expensive either, if I could just find it!

    Thanks!

    2. That’s a very summery kind of dress and also is kind of going out of style, might be hard to find in stores right now. But search for maxi dress.

    3. JJ House, A-Line/Princess Sweetheart Floor-Length Tulle Prom Dresses With Ruffle Beading Sequins

      MYYBLE Women’s Gradient Color Chiffon Formal Evening Dress Long Prom Gown

    1. Maybe Modcloth? No other recs but I have to say the chaotic energy in that pic is excellent.

    2. I know absolutely nothing about these sites – please do check if you order from them.

      But rainbow chiffon dress does give these current results – I think it’s the same dress on two different sites.

      https://www.joom.com/en/products/5d0860c08b45130101e2cfba

      https://cherryzones.com/product/rainbow-striped-maxi-dress/

      Here’s a different one – again, unknown site to me:
      https://www.miniinthebox.com/en/p/women-s-sheath-dress-sleeveless-striped-summer-elegant-2020-rainbow-s-m-l-xl-xxl_p8028563.html

      Asos has had a horisontal rainbow dress – out of stock, but could possibly be found on eBay?

      https://www.asos.com/us/asos-curve/asos-curve-rainbow-maxi-dress-with-necklace-trim/prd/2963363

  5. Has anyone ever taken an unofficial personal day? Like where you are available, computer is near by, will promptly reply to emails and messages as needed but otherwise aren’t really working? I’ve been doing that today and I feel a little guilty about it, but I am just at mental capacity.

    3. I suspect a lot of us have been doing that lately. I say as long as you are getting your work done overall, and not bottlenecking things, don’t feel guilty. Being a professional adult is about being able to know when you can, and when you need to, flex your time a bit to be more productive in the long run.

    6. When we were working in the office my dad would call that an in-office vacation day.

      1. I did it in the office a couple of times. I worked for AIG in September 2008. I was in the a branch office of the insurance arm, so not even related to the unregulated CDOs and swaps that brought the company to its knees. I will never forget going to a bar with many of my colleagues at 10am on the day it all came crashing down.

    9. I would totally do this on a slow day IF I didn’t have to bill. God I hate billing.

    11. What do you think posting on this forum is??! It’s taking personal time. Welcome to 2020 – no one can possibly concentrate as we could in previous times.

    12. If I’m being totally honest…this is probably once every two weeks, or possibly even once a week during COVID. And for me it’s “Is my phone nearby?” because Teams + Outlook on my phone means I’m as accessible as if I was by the computer. Things are really hard. I’m still getting my work done. IDGAF.

  6. I need some kind of call on this situation because husband and I just cannot see eye to eye.

    Background: I haven’t received a gift for any occasion in the past three years from my husband because a) I don’t need anything — I have too much stuff and would like to get rid of lots of it, if anything — and b) I wanted things like someone to come in and deep clean the house or have my car detailed. Those things never happened, mainly because it requires time to find these services and book those appointments and to be available to be present during them. It’s also pretty clear my husband’s into giving tangible gifts — his love language is DEFINITELY gifts and mine is not. I didn’t need these “service” gifts anyway, so it didn’t bother me that these fell through. Really, cared 0%.

    My husband asked for a specific list of things I wanted for my birthday this month, so I gave in and told him what I thought to be a very specific list of things he would want to get me — x brand of jacket in either this style or this style, y brand of slippers in this style, z treatment at a medspa near us. Husband is well aware of my desire to really curate the stuff I have to minimize. He rolled up yesterday and was very excited to give me my birthday gift, which to his credit was x brand of jacket, but in a style I didn’t want, and also I really hated the style when I put it on. I told him thanks but I honestly wasn’t into it. He was LIVID. We got into this huge blowup on my birthday about a gift that he gave me that wasn’t what I wanted, and I only asked for the things I wanted to just get him off my back about finally getting me a freaking birthday gift, I don’t even really want these things. He said I’m being entirely irrational and ungrateful, I think that he’s not listening to what I want and honestly I would have preferred nothing. He then spent the entire rest of the evening moping about how he just can’t get me gifts that I like. He CAN, and I have told him these things, and he just ignores me anyway.

    I mean… obviously I think I am right and he’s wrong. So… am I right?

    1. I think you are right. He can’t use his preferences to inflict a gift on you and then demand that you coo over it if you don’t honestly like it. That is for children and he is an adult.

      2. +1 After I asked my husband not to get me fancy chocolates for my birthday anymore and he continued the following year, I was pretty mad. It would have been OK if he truly just forgot I did not want that as a gift (better no gift than chocolates), but I think he just didn’t believe that I meant it. I had to be really clear that if it’s a gift, you respect the recipient’s wishes.

    2. Eh I think truly the answer is you need to communicate better. But also you aren’t entirely right. Accept gifts with gratitude. Even if they are not One Of The Exact Two Acceptable Items. Then a couple days later tell him you loved the thought but are going to exchange it for a different style.

      Love languages are supposed to be a tool not a weapon. Right now you’re basically telling him “the way you want to show your love for me? I hate it. You can’t.” Which I get but doesn’t necessarily make for a happy marriage. Is it truly that hard to say “the best gift you could give me is taking my car to be detailed. If you don’t want to do that a book or hand lotion is always nice.”

      I think it really matters what your whole marriage is like. Is this one issue where you just don’t see eye to eye it is it a symptom of a larger disconnect?

      1. “Accept gifts with gratitude. Even if they are not One Of The Exact Two Acceptable Items.”

        Coming here to say exactly this.

        1. Yes.
          OP, if you want to stay married, going into the “I’m right, you’re wrong, and that’s it” space is not the way to do it. Grace needs to be given when sincere efforts are made. I think your husband made a sincere effort. If I had given you a gift using the information you gave me and gotten your reaction, I wouldn’t have liked it either.

          1. Give your partner the grace and understanding you expect for yourself. You would want his understanding and appreciation for your efforts even if you can’t totally nail gifts or holiday celebrations for him.

        2. Amen. One of my most traumatic childhood memories is of the time my dad got my mom a beautiful and expensive ring for Christmas, and she wouldn’t accept it. (This after she had complained loudly and frequenly about how he never made an effort in his gift-giving to her.) Made him take it back and exchange it for a pair of much less expensive earrings. I swear their marriage was never the same after that.

          1. Ooof. Me too. My mom bought my dad some golf shoes for his birthday. We all watched him unwrap gifts. He displayed no excitement, and asked her how much they cost. His tone of voice was so condescending and rude. Like she had done something horribly and obviously wrong by getting these shoes for a man who loves golf. He didn’t yell or raise his voice, but told her that they were very nice but he didn’t need them or want them because he already had golf shoes (they were old). He threw them back in the box and told her to return them. She looked like she was about to cry.

            I really, really hate this memory and it makes me feel sick to my stomach 25 years later. I can only imagine how she felt. I hate giving gifts to romantic partners to this day– it strikes a tremendous amount of anxiety into my heart and fear of feeling unwanted/unloved/rejected.

          2. Is there more backstory? Something similar happened with my in laws when DH is young. MY FIL now acknowledges that it was the wrong thing to do and more about impressing other people (fur coat) vs being generous to MIL. He had MIL on a tight household budget. She didn’t want a fur coat, she wanted to not have to count every cent when grocery shopping and has been asking for an increase to the household budget. I’d never get DH a super expensive gift without discussing it first – we make all major financial decisions together. I’d be annoy if he dropped a few grand on a ring without talking to me about it.

          4. +1. My dad is really hard to shop for and displays no joy when given gifts he doesn’t like. My mom and I would rack our brains to try to find something he wanted and he would always say hmmm thanks and then return them and to this day, the thought of giving him gifts fills me with dread (I otherwise love my dad, but he is not a gracious gift receiver and it’s hard).

          5. The backstory, such as it is, is (a) my dad used to send me out on Christmas eve to buy my mom a gift from him (this when I was 10 or 11). That year he picked out the ring all by himself, which should have been a big win, right? (b) the reason my mom gave was “oh my hands are too ugly for such a beautiful thing.” Self-loathing much? (c) My mom always worried about money, so there’s that. Anyway, I still cringe when I think of it and it loomed large in my mind when my husband gave me a VERY EXPENSIVE watch this past Christmas, which I decided I was going to love and which I do.

      2. +1 to accepting the gift and exchanging later for the one you want after second thoughts/not being able to make it work with your wardrobe/whatever.

    3. No one is right or wrong. It’s more complicated than that. If his love language is gifts and he has the money and he wants to give you something, reframe it and stop thinking of it as a gift for you. Instead, decide that the acting of accepting this object is a gift from you TO HIM. Just accept that it’s what he needs to feel loving and loved and satisfied. Happily accept the gift, smile, wear it once, and move on. Is this ideal, no! It’s a waste. It would make me crazy. But it is probably what is needed to mend whatever hurt he seems to be feeling. It is better than the alternative which is resentment and anger and hurt.
      Over time (when it’s not a pandemic), maybe you can adjust this by shopping for gifts together. Or maybe he’ll be satisfied with giving you something and having you exchange it for what you really want (which is what usually happens in my marriage). But what is clear to me here is that his gift giving is not at all about what you want. It’s about what he wants/needs. So change your thinking about it and accept that such is the case. Then schedule your own car detailing as a gift to yourself and focus on all the positive things you love about your husband.

      1. I wrote a comment down below standing up for OP and calling the husband selfish before reading through all the other comments. I still think that, but man, SSJD makes a really good point. Framing acceptance of the gift as a gift from you to him is a great suggestion, and one that I will incorporate into my own life with nonconsensual gift givers.

      2. I think this is terrible. Whose birthday is it? So her gift needs to be all about him? No. He needs to listen to her when she tells him what she wants. I honestly can’t believe I read this here.

    5. From your husband’s perspective: he probably wants to know what *kind* of stuff to get you (not the exact item) and wants to put the thought into buying something for you. If you tell him that you want very specific things, that’s not going to be good for him. Telling him that you would have preferred nothing was probably extremely hurtful.

      In my short marriage, my husband has given me things that are not always exactly to my liking, but I thank him and use the item. It is meaningful because he put thought into getting it. On this issue, be flexible. Give him a list of things that you can use, and use happily, even if he doesn’t get it exactly right.

      1. I think this is the key right here. You guys have very different approaches to gift giving. This suggestion is a good middle ground. TBH, I’m probably more like you. But I don’t think it’s worth hurting my husband’s feelings over receiving the “wrong” gift.

      2. I agree. I always recognize the thought that went into the gift and use it, even if I don’t love it. I think it is harder when you are married with joint funds because you don’t want your money going towards that thing. Or you don’t want stuff.

        But, would you act that way with anyone but your husband? Would you look at an ugly jacket your parents got you and saw ewwww no, take it back? I wish you hadn’t got anything at all? I doubt it.

        In fact, I got majorly scolded by my dad in college. They bought me a desk chair for Christmas. The chair fell apart a few months after I got it. I was worried they were ripped off and I said “that chair you got me was a piece of crap.” Yeah, my dad flipped out until I could explain that I thought they picked out something that looked nice but it turned into a dud and I wanted to see if they could get their money back. I probably should have approached it better!

        1. She said thanks. She didn’t say ewww. He complained she didn’t fake loving it

          1. “and also I really hated the style when I put it on. I told him thanks but I honestly wasn’t into it.”

            Ok, that’s not an ewww but she told him she honestly wasn’t into it. If she knows his love language is gifts, that’s going to be hurtful.

            I’m a minimalist too. I always get stuff I don’t really want from my parents, in-laws and occasionally my husband. We are pretty good about being boring and just ordering off each other’s lists but we both try to do fun surprise gifts too. What I do is give all the stuff I don’t really want a one year purgatory in my house. Then I can get rid of it. That way I don’t have tons of clutter but I’m also not driving to good will the day after getting a gift.

          2. Read that as she actually said thanks but thought to herself that she didn’t like it.

      3. I don’t have this issue with my spouse, but I do with a dear friend whose emotional love language is gift-giving. I have concluded that while *for me* being handed a list of exact things is great (that’s what our family does!), handing someone who is like that a list of exact things, links, etc. doesn’t really scratch their itch. They want to customize and personalize it. So maybe a way around this is to think of gifts where there is some flexibility to pick and choose. This is a dumb example and it’s pre-COVID, but like requesting a package at a spa but you might not care if he picks package #1 with facial/manicure/pedicure versus package #2 which is massage/facial/haircut – but he might enjoy picking the package — make sense?

    6. I don’t think anyone is right or wrong, to be honest. My husband and I have had similar issues re gifts. I get your annoyance that you made this very simple and he just couldn’t listen and then tried to make it your fault (on your birthday!). I also get that he probably thought he exercised some creativity in picking out something you would really like and he was excited to give it to you and then basically got his feelings hurt. It sounds like your husband likes to pick out gifts for you and wants some creativity/input in the process instead of just picking off a list. Next time, I would just give him options that are specific but not overly so, so he can pick within a category- one where you aren’t going to care overly much if it’s not exactly what you would pick. “Gray cashmere scarf.” “fancy coffee/chocolates/tea.” New slippers. This does take some mental energy from you but it’s not a huge sacrifice given how much it clearly means to him to pick out nice gifts for you. I have a bullet journal and there’s a page where I jot down random things I think would make good gifts for upcoming holidays- things I would like but don’t need to buy for myself right now. If you write these down as you go, it’s not so hard to come up with stuff on the spot.

      Personally, I would apologize for yesterday now that you’ve both cooled down. Talk about it in terms of how you felt vs what he did and ask point blank if he would rather have leeway to pick something out instead of being given a specific list.

    7. You are in the right. It’s your effing birthday and he still can’t follow instructions? So rude!

      1. People whose love language is gifting don’t like to feel that giving gifts is “following instructions” (clicking a link or buying a very specific thing). They like to customize and personalize. That’s where the conflict occurs.

    9. I think you are being way to picky. My ex only got me plastic junk from the street vendors, or old stuff from CVS like a stale chocolate bunny rabbit after Valentine’s Day. At least your husband is trying. I am guessing you may have other issues with him that are not surfaced in your p’ost here. If not, JSFAMO. In my view, you can argue about so many things in life, but this is one is NOT important.

      I recomend you go home, cook him (or let him cook you) a great meal with some good wine, take a hot shower together and then retire with him to the boudoir for an evening of “Netflix and Chill” (a/k/a Connubial Bliss). If he is any good, you’ll forget all about this issue after about 15 -20 minutes! YAY!!

    10. I agree. No one was in the right or wrong here. What if you guys set “rules” about presents? Like, you can surprise each other with low-cost gifts (say, $50 or whatever the equivalent is for your income) like books, flowers, chocolates, sentimental tokens, movie tickets post-pandemic, etc. However, items over that $50 threshold MUST be chosen out together by the two of you. This way, he gets the feel-good experience of thoughtfully choosing something for you and you get “control” over any higher-priced items.

      My fiance and I do something similar to this, although less strict or “formal” because gift-giving is not necessarily a top love language for either of us. He surprised me with sentimental tokens and gag gifts for my recent birthday, but I chose the super-pricey restaurant we went to, told him what bakery I wanted my pricey cake from (although he chose the icing and design), and asked for specific model of coffee maker I wanted. I will do more or less the same thing in reverse for his upcoming birthday. (Also, I don’t usually expect SO much for birthdays, but this was a milestone one.)

    11. Ages ago, married to my first husband, I asked for a very small garnet ring on a 14k band, garnet being my birthstone. I pointed at the specific ring at a jewelry store, and it was within the price range we had a agreed on for gifts – something like $200.

      On my birthday he gave me what I can only describe as a gaudy ring, and it was costume jewelry. The tag was on it. It was $150. I couldn’t believe that he would spend $150 on a fake gold ring – which I can’t wear anyway due to metal allergies – when the real thing was only $50 more and within the price range. He couldn’t explain why he did this but I was upset, mainly because I had made it so easy for him, and then he was seething at me for not being appreciative.

      I am not saying your marriage is over, but for me it was an early sign that I shouldn’t have ignored. The fact was, he was passively-aggressively not giving me what I wanted and using it as a test to see whether I was appreciative enough for him. He didn’t actually want to give me what I wanted. He wanted to give me whatever he wanted and he wanted to watch me suck it up. This pattern continued throughout our marriage. Thank god it’s over.

      1. Oh, man. This is probably what my mom would have said in the situation I described above. And my dad would have said “I was trying to be creative and do something special for once.” And they both might have been right and nevertheless it was painful as hell to watch and yes, sometimes a gift-giving mismatch is a sign of something bigger.

        And sometimes the relevant inquiry is “would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” OP, only you know which situation this is.

        1. I feel really sad for your dad in that story. I also see what anon 2:50 is getting at. Gift giving is just … fraught and wrapped up in so many other feelings.

        2. I feel like when you’re trying to do something special, you go over, not under. Maybe that was more the situation with your parents.

        3. In OP’s story I really think the husband was specifically buying the wrong style for her as a test, not to delight her with a better style.

          There’s a reason he bought a different style. I guess only he knows which it is.

          2. Or because he thinks it defeats the purpose of buying someone a gift if you buy the exact thing on the list so you try to buy something like it instead? I can’t imagine someone doing this as some type of test.

          3. Why on earth would it defeat the purpose to give a person exactly the thing that would delight them? By giving them something else, aren’t you making it more about yourself and your experience as a gift-giver than about the person receiving the gift?

            Think about why you feel this way.

          4. I wondered if the preferred style was out of stock, so he went rogue and bought something else.

    12. If he’s a great husband, then thank him & wear it with pride/exchange for the style you really wanted.

    13. You’re both right.

      You were ungrateful, at least in your description of the way it went down.

      You also don’t have to keep the coat.

      Next time, this is what you do: “Awww, honey, thank you for remembering I wanted X coat! Yay!” and enjoy the day, no being pissy.

      Then return it and get the one you want. If he notices (which he probably won’t) tell him (you wanted another color, you decided you needed a different size, the zipper got stuck, whatever).

      My husband never gets the right thing either. Shrug.

    14. I mean, you probably could have handled the situation more gracefully than telling him you hated it. But it does sound like he was purposely being obtuse just to be passive aggressive about it.

      My love language is also gifts, but I always put a lot of effort and thought into the gift, because I love to find the right gift for someone I care about. I don’t half ass it like your hsuband did.

    15. I felt this post deep in my bones.

      I hate receiving gifts. I hate stuff. In my fantasy life, I would never receive presents from anyone. I would also live in a serene, minimalist home with a few items that I treasure.

      In my real life, I am surrounded by gift givers and live in a home filled with stuff. I have personally chosen to be happy instead of right. I graciously accept the things, then purge them after a while. There are worse problems to have and these relationships (marriage, parents, in-laws in my case) are otherwise great.

      1. Yes. I generally think of myself as loving stuff, but I am very particular. So I hate 90% of stuff. It used to really distress me when I was younger; I think it made me feel like no one understood me when they got me things I would obviously not want. I also grew up without financial security, so the wastefulness was anxiety inducing for me. But that was immature; really, there’s nothing to be done about it.

      2. This is my life except my mom would lose it if I gave away anything she gifted me.

        You show someone you love them with gift giving by getting them what they want, not by buying them something big and fancy or flashy and then complaining when they are not grateful enough.

      3. “I hate receiving gifts. I hate stuff. In my fantasy life, I would never receive presents from anyone. I would also live in a serene, minimalist home with a few items that I treasure.”

        This, except that I do live in a serene, minimalist home with a few items that I treasure. I sell on donate gifts I receive for which I have no use. I have stopped feeling about it. A gift shouldn’t make you feel bad. A lot of gist giving is done FOR the gift giver, not the receiver.

        I think you are right – mainly because I would expect my husband of all people to know me well enough to understand that I am the way I am. Also my husband and I don’t get each other presents ever.* He is a very practical thinker and thinks along the lines of “if you want something buy it, we have joint finances anyways,” which lol but I can’t say I disagree with?
        *Except consumables like food, flowers, wine, etc. And it is not for special occasions usually, just like -oh I saw this chocolate you like so I bought it – have a nice day! Or oh – I know you like sunflowers, and I saw these at the grocery store so here you go!

    16. My husband is a sitcom-level terrible gift giver. Frat-humor obscene mugs from Spencer’s, an ugly birthstone ring that was his mom’s birth month instead of mine (how hard is that to Google?), weird novelty tee shirts when I have literally never once worn an article of clothing with a cartoon character on it.

      Like you, I also would prefer to receive a favor or chore as a gift–a home improvement project, car detailing, etc. I floated this idea literally every birthday and Christmas for several years, and he enthusiastically yes-ed me to death, then went out and bought me an armful of stupid junk instead. Weird no-name bath sets from the clearance bin at Kohls, a scalp massager that was bent and scratched my head open, you get the idea.

      He then requested that I give him a list so precise he couldn’t get it wrong, just like your guy. I handed him my Sephora member card and a print-out of the exact items I wanted, and sent him an Amazon list. I explicitly gave him a TON of options so he could pick and choose, but still surprise me. He dutifully retrieved a few things on the lists, then complained after Christmas that he felt “like a picker at a warehouse” and that “wasn’t what gift giving was supposed to be”.

      These guys are just in love with the idea that they’re whimsical, creative gift givers. They refuse to believe that they actually suck at it. My guy (and I suspect yours) is more worried about my grateful fawning over his brilliance than he is about actually carrying out my desires.

      So yes, you’re right and he’s wrong.

      1. This. They don’t want to actually get the person what the person wants, they want to make themselves look good. It’s not kind, it’s selfish to expect adoration when you give someone something that you know or should know they don’t want.

    17. I get it, I am exactly the same way about gifts as you. Your husband is being selfish by using your birthday as an excuse to burden you, a self-described minimalist, with stuff you did not ask for, explicitly did not want, and has the audacity to call you ungrateful. To me it seems he assumes your feelings about the situation at worst are neutral, when in reality he is causing you distress. I don’t think it’s beneficial to your marriage to grin and bare it to protect his emotions just because he had good intentions. He needs to understand that he is actually being very inconsiderate and selfish, doubly so for his reaction. A gift is about the recipient. Not sure if this will help, but I’ve navigated this with my husband/family by preferring food and activity gifts that I pick out, like a fancy dinner. This year, I will probably order some obnoxiously expensive desserts from Milk Bar or something. It’s a win-win.

    18. I may be in the minority, but my husband and I don’t really exchange gifts. Neither of us are big gift givers. We like to travel but otherwise just buy stuff for ourselves as needed. Maybe not romantic for some people, but it works for us.

      1. My husband and I are the same way. We both aren’t big on giving or receiving gifts. Reading through some of the comments make me really grateful that we are on the same page on this! So much less stressful.

      2. We don’t either. Part of that is our birthdays are two days apart and very close to the winter holiday season, and we just kind of feel we don’t need anything. But neither of us have gift-giving as our love languages.

      3. +1 – we’ve tried but I’m particular and he’s a minimalist. Instead we “bodega Santa” (pick up little things the other likes when we’re at the grocery store or corner market, ice cream for me, chocolate bars for him) and exchange love letters on our anniversary. Had a lot of early strife around gifts and this works much better for us.

    19. Have you ever heard the embarrassing story about the gal who got into an elevator, the man inside said, “I love you” and she, not wanting him to feel awkward, said, “I love you too” …and then he pointed to his bluetooth and she realized he was talking to someone on the phone and not to her? The words were a fit for what was happening but they were having two very different conversations. Same goes for you two.

      Your fight: He insists on doing something I do not want him to do, when I try to compromise, he screws it up and blames me. wtf?

      His fight: I try to love her and she refuses, then I finally get her to let me love her and she gets mad at me for loving her when she’s the one who said it was okay. wtf?

      He isn’t hearing your love language need for something other than a tangible gift, so your need isn’t being met. You aren’t hearing his desire to show you how he loves you in the way he needs to be shown love, so his need isn’t being met.

      I think it’s time to work on some love language conversations and to figure out how to meet in the middle. Maybe he can gift you consumables or flowers fairly regularly so he feels he is taking care of and loving on you but they’re stuff you’d want anyway so it’s no harm or clutter for you? Maybe you can schedule a car detail sitting with him so he can see the emotional labor it takes and why it’s such a gift when it does it for you?

      Who is right? Neither of you is right nor wrong, you’re just fighting because you’re having two different conversations and the two don’t make sense!

    20. Stop letting him buy you things, since his options are (buy exactly what asked for) and (try to be creative and surprising), and he’s clearly for some reason picking the wrong one. Ask him to take you shopping instead- let him suggest things and be excited by his taste.

    21. Assuming this is the only real problem —I would just accept the gift and donate it in a couple years because “it’s out of style now”. It’s just stuff. Your marriage is more important. Then, do what someone unthread suggested and give ideas that leave him some discretion because picking out stuff for you makes him happy. That’s sweet, really.

      I shut down a relative who always gave me horrible presents with a let’s not exchange policy and I see now that this was not the best move. Some people really like trying to buy others things. They always fail and it’s silly but it makes them happy. Again. It’s just stuff.

  7. I’m probably ordering a Peloton soon. Does anyone have a referral code I can use? Thanks!

          1. Nothing actually happens. But when you are in a ride, and there is another user with the tag, you’re able to tell they are there/or took the ride. The idea is to build community. Like this summer with the tag challenge. You got badges if you rode with people of your group.

  8. So my autistic kid just got bullied on remote school. Some other jerk kept calling out “__ can’t read” when he was quiet and anxious while reading. (Reading is one of the skills he IS good at.)

    Ax throwing sounds good right about now.

    1. I don’t have kids, but I would 100% find the kid’s name, call up his parents and call that shit out. RUDE.

          1. Because that will get you in trouble and make the problem worse. And who do you think raised the kid to be a bully?

          2. Wait, what? The parent of the child with autism would get in trouble for calling the parents of the bully? In what world? It didn’t say call and threaten them. I’d call and say hey, you may not be aware but there was a situation at school today where your son called my autistic child names. I am going to talk to the teacher to better supervise but I figured you would also want to know so it could be addressed at home too.

            I really think I’m starting to get too old for this board because everything I thought I knew about a lot of things is apparently outdated and wrong.

          4. Calling the parents directly is like a he said vs. she said situation. Better to go through official channels to CYA.

          5. Yeah, you don’t do that. You work through the school channels. Besides, if bullying is going on inside the virtual classroom, there needs to be a paper trail for that.

          6. While I wouldn’t call the other parents in this kind of situation (unless I knew them for some other reason and were reasonably sure they wouldn’t flip out), I *hate* when people think that every bad act by a kid is due to their parents teaching them how to do said bad act.

            I’ve never punched my kid (or hit him at all). My kid punched a kid in elementary school.

    5. I would throw hands (and also axes on my own time). Where was the teacher?!

    7. Contact the teacher. He or she needs to have a discussion with that kid and his parents so this doesn’t happen again. Ignoring it and getting over it isn’t doing the other kid any favors either.

    8. I mean, sure, that’s not ideal but kids will be kids. Did the teacher ask him to stop? Did you? Did your student? Maybe this is a lesson about what to do if getting talked over in the boardroom? You gotta be tougher than to let this wound you so much.

      1. Kids will be kids? This is bullying and it’s bullshit. Her kid is autistic. A) sh*thead’s parent should have raised him better than that but b) teacher should have disciplined sh*thead kid immediately. Stop calling people special snowflakes and have some decency.

        1. Yeah, no. This doesn’t happen at every school. It’s not something we have to just accept.

          1. I’m not saying to accept it, I’m saying address it in the moment & move on. It sucks, but it’s hardly the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone. Please don’t traumatize your child over a minor event that could be a challenge quickly overcome.

          2. Something doesn’t have to be the worst thing to ever happen to anyone to be worth talking to the teacher and your kid about. If that was the standard, no American parent should ever have a parent-teacher conference about anything.

          3. “Let the bully have his way” is why we have the POTUS we do. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

      4. You think a neuroatypical child in online school during a pandemic should be treated the same way as an adult whose career and experience has them in a board room? Should the kid pay taxes and pick up the drycleaning too? Kids will be kids which means kids need guidance and education and instruction and guidance both not to behave this way and redirection and learning when they misbehave.

        Or we go with this and let this kid grow up to be a boys will be boys when the kid harasses a woman on the street or puts his hands on someone who is different. Or we let him raise kids who harm others. Where does it stop? Why would you ever encourage a parent, let alone a parent of a neuroatypical kid to be tougher? Do you have any idea what it takes to be a parent, let alone of a kid during a pandemic, let alone a parent of a kid during a pandemic who is learning online, let alone a kid during a pandemic who is learning online and is on the autism spectrum? Wow.

        Sincerely,
        Not a Parent, Just A Decent Person

        1. The question is did anyone address it in the moment? And also can you address it in a way that doesn’t traumatize your child? … because he will be freaked out if you’re freaked out & angry. A child will look to the adult to see how to respond and this extreme rage is not it and will not help him develop in any healthy way.

      5. Every kid I went to school with who was a bully or class clown had a deeply troubled home life.

        What if you asked him to stop and he stopped? Why wasn’t it addressed in the moment and forgotten about already?

        You’re going to rage over every minor obstacle in your child’s life for the rest of eternity? Good luck to you, it‘s going to be a long, difficult haul.

        1. +1 I reported a girl who was bullying my daughter, and I later learned that other parents also reported her. She turned it around. It helped her in the long run to have that attention from the principal’s office. I was delighted to hear that years later she was happy and popular and doing well in school, and no longer regarded as a bully.

        2. Addressing a specific bullying incident for what sounds like an early elementary aged child with autism is not “rage over every minor obstacle in your child’s life for the rest of eternity” and by saying it is YOU are blowing things out of proportion, not OP.

          1. It’s literally “throwing axes” rage according to the OP & “F everybody!!” rage according to previous posters.

        3. This wasn’t true when I was in school. Kids from happy homes were miserable at school and lashed out there. The tone was set from above by admin and certain teachers (not all) who only put on a good face for parents.

      6. I’m sorry for you, because a response like this shows you were not shown empathy when you were a child. Bullying does not “toughen kids up.” I understand where that belief comes from, I was raised to believe that also. But it’s untrue. Bullying damages kids and it shouldn’t be allowed. There’s no acceptable or excusable reason for it. Ever.

        OP, I am sorry that happened to your son. I would feel the same way you’re feeling.

        1. No, the problem is that parents’ overreaction can turn a minor incident into a very traumatic one. Like when a child falls down then looks around to see if anyone is watching before deciding to start crying or not. Parents teach their child how to react.

          And a reminder: We don’t even know if anyone asked the bully to stop … I’m literally suggesting asking the bully to stop in the moment is the right thing to do … what’s wrong with that?

        2. Also “axe throwing” rage and calling the other child a “jerk” … that’s somehow appropriate?

    9. I’m the op. After some back & forth with the teacher on email I’m placated – she heard the boy too, but he apparently always tries to get out of reading aloud by saying “I can’t read” and this time was saying “____ read!” (As in, instead) – and teacher noted __ is one of the best readers in the class.

      I think it’ll be a long road with him (he’s first grade) and I do need to gird myself. I think it’s also something to figure out how I’ll respond when it happens again. Thanks to all who weighed in.

      1. I’m glad you’re feeling better and hope your student is too. Maybe it’s possible that the other student was actually trying to do your child a favor and get him out of reading the same way he tries to get out of reading himself?

        If you’re present in the moment, may I suggest having your student pause while you say something kind of bland and neutral like, “It’s important that everyone be quiet right now so we can focus on the reading.” Then have him resume … I’m sure others might also have some tips and tricks. (Of course, ideally the teacher would manage it, but speaking up might be enough to either stop the bully or have the teacher mute people or whatever.)

        You’re not wrong that this is upsetting, but you can weather moments like these. I mean that to be encouraging.

      2. OP, I also have a son on the spectrum. He is 13. Remote learning is an awful mess for him. I understand the axe throwing feelings. Also, I have had people say all sorts of wacko hate-filled things to me about my child over the years, and also another bunch of just stupid misinformed things. Oh, including the conversation on this board several days ago when a poster gleefully called herself “autistic” to indicate that she had mis-read a social cue.

        As you say, you have to develop a thick skin and become an upstander for your child. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. And, in the process, your child will learn that he is whole, human, and wonderful as he is.

        You are an awesome mom, and your son is a great kid!

  9. Does anyone feel like their view of certain friends has changed due to their behavior during the pandemic? We live on a social block with regular get-togethers. The annoying thing is that most of our neighbors are still partying it up every weekend. Now that it’s getting colder, the parties are moving inside. As time goes on, I just feel my resentment growing and turning into anger. I’m mad they get to keep having fun and also feeling some FOMO I’m sure too. Looking for commiseration I guess.

    1. Yes, some of us are living in different realities right now. Some of that is circumstantial (I think some people who have essential in-person jobs are just giving up), some of it is look-on-the-bright-side denialism, and some of it is political (what about the economy!).

        1. I can’t tell if you mean the lockdown isolation alcoholism or the neighborhood party alcoholism… but it works either way!

          1. Personal experience – the people who need to continue to party during a pandemic.

    2. Yep, I get this 100%. Like I’m sick and tired of this too, but pandemic. I try to focus on my own actions and why I’m behaving the way I am, yet the resentment and anger is real.

    3. I mean I honestly pre pandemic I already thought most people were bad people, this just confirms it.

      1. Haha I can so relate to this! I guess I thought *many* people were bad, but I’m realizing it’s a bigger number than I thought!

        1. +1. There is an enormous difference between needing to go to the office for your essential job and partying like there’s no pandemic. Yes, I personally know a lot of people who are doing exactly that. They are not trying. They complain about “2020” but have literally suffered or altered their routines in no way.

          1. I just do not get why people need to have parties. It’s the introvert in me, I can get wanting to see an elderly relative to prevent loneliness or somesuch, but parties? Just grow up.

            And while we’re at it, I note that European countries have kids in school – because they closed down bars, restaurants, and sporting events. But no, stupid Americans have to have bars, and have to have college football, because god forbid someone be forced to watch a rerun of a sporting event on ESPN, it would be the worst thing in the world.

          2. I know, right? Is it SOOOO hard to watch football at home compared to a bar? God forbid you take even the slightest baby step towards being a good person.

      2. Haha so true. The election, the pandemic, and the rise of BLM show how few people actually care about other people. Really grim.

    4. I am estranged from a favorite family member because she shared photos of herself on social media at a big indoor crowded party, no one was masked, and they were all drinking and taking group selfies all crowded together. She’s in a red zone. She has two little kids at home and she works in the healthcare field, primarily with people with serious health issues. I told her she was being an a-hole. I stand by what I said.

      1. It terrifies me whenever I see someone – usually a polite older woman – in my virtual rare disease support group tentatively ask whether they might be within their rights to request that their homecare nurse wear a mask??

        I’m sure your family member wears a mask, but she’s taking risks of other kinds. It’s so frustrating.

        1. She’s an a-hole. It was so disappointing to learn this about her because I love her.

          Yeah, be wary around your healthcare providers.

          1. Some of the worst-behaved people in my neighborhood are RNs. It’s very discouraging.

          2. I am seeing this too. I know someone who works as a nurse in the respiratory ICU and she hangs out with family and friends on the weekend unmasked and doing all her normal activities. It’s like yes, thank you for your service, but we still have standards and morals. We don’t let brain surgeons drive drunk just because they save lives for a living.

        2. PS I’m sorry about the rare disease. I’m recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and the medicines I take mean I would have a much harder time fighting off a virus.

          I have a plumber at my house right now, some things cannot be avoided, and I was delighted when he showed up wearing both a mask and a face shield.

          1. I have a really mild manifestation so far, but it’s been an education seeing what other people live with and the role of healthcare access and access to regional specialists and just, everything. I am sorry about the RA diagnosis and hope the treatment is going well! And hurrah for a plumber who values his health and the health of others.

        3. OMFG. I’ve had homecare nurses in my apartment every week for the last 6 weeks. The fact that homecare nurses wouldn’t wear a mask is HORRIFYING. Mine are ALWAYS in a mask, face shield, eye shield, and gloves. They put them on before they enter my apartment. I hope everyone in that group is telling these people that they should throw an unholy fit about homecare nurses not wearing a mask to everyone up to and including the company’s CEO.

          1. I know! It seems to be a highly regional issue (i.e., a rural red state issue). Still though.

          2. On the flipside, some people who require home care nurses are being incredibly irresponsible too. My uncle and his brothers don’t wear masks and don’t take it seriously and constantly put the poor home health nurse who tends to their mother at risk. She makes probably $14 an hour tops.

    5. Yes, I totally know how you feel. Especially the FOMO. We’ve actually been friendly with our neighbors and it seems like everyone in the surrounding houses all hang out in the back yard right next door, but they never think to invite us. My husband even helped them build this awning for their patio. They all have kids that play together too and we don’t have kids so maybe that’s why they all get together.

      I know feeling isolated and alone for the past six months makes me feel left out. But then I think it’s probably not a good idea to get together anyway b/c of COVID. And then I just go back to feeling kind of lonely and having resentment and anger. So yeah, I can relate.

    6. 100% yes. I have several friends/acquaintances that I judge so hard for the constant stream of videos and pictures they post on social media about parties they’ve attended (almost always unmasked). I cannot trust their judgment after this.

      1. Same. I have relatives that I will just flat out not see at all until we are post-pandemic (as in vaccination) because they are partying in nightclubs every weekend! No masks in sight! And our numbers are bad!!!

    7. Yeah, one of my colleagues at work is a fraternity type who is using WFH to travel in a pack of other similar guys, joking about how they are partying in various places, evading lock downs with private planes. One plan fell apart so he and his buddies flew first class and then one of them tested positive ha ha ha and then they couldn’t go to Hawaii. I had given him the benefit of the doubt before lockdown because not all frat boys turn out to be jerks, but….

    8. I’ve gone from thinking my retired parents and in-laws are mature, responsible adults to thinking that they are just barely able to assess risk and look after themselves. My parents are good about masks but believe that the statistics about COVID are a liberal plot to destroy America and FREEEEDDOMMM!!!. My in-laws are terrified of everything related to COVID, except that when their neighborhood was evacuated due to wildfire, they spent the night in our (tiny, full, single-bathroom) house instead of going to a hotel and spending $150.

      1. Yes, I was really surprised by which of my relatives and friends’ parents went off the deep end on this one. Some of them were people I respect enough that I think I would have reconsidered my own outlook if their current views had been coherent and logically consistent.

    9. I have friends who genuinely live normally (not US!). The children go to school and sports, they go to work (cannot WFH), take the car everywhere, have normal family parties etc. While I am happy that they (breaking no local rules) can live normally, the contrast to my upheaved, isolated, restricted and currently very small life is so difficult to handle when talking to them. And because they are blithely (again, breaking no rules) living their lives with wider circles, I’m not comfortable meeting them or having in-person contact.

      And it’s hard to talk to somebody who are basically not affected without feeling weirdly apologetic for being so miserable and so clearly in the 2020-sucks-so-bad-camp. I’m not in the wrong, I know, but because their experience is so different I feel that I’m almost dragging them down if I answer truthfully to any question about current life. And how are they going to even know what I’m talking about since their experience is watching the news more than living it. I’m happy that they are ok, but I don’t really want to talk to them. Arrgh, sucks.

    10. I learned tonight that my old college friends are all going downtown to the bars for Halloween on Saturday night. Like, dressed up in costumes, bar hopping like normal as if we aren’t in the middle of a pandemic. I don’t live in that city anymore but they were talking about how they wished I was there. Umm, even if I did live there, I wouldn’t be going! It’s a pandemic!

    11. I learnes yesterday, that one of my close friends changed litle in her routine. She is still going to open air market, restaurants, bars, even throws dinner parties at her place, flew for a trip to Iceland… this all while living in the Czech republic – currently the #1 or 2 rank on the “worst in COVID” country list. She said that as an extrovert, she would go crazy if she had to be locked inside the whole time. I told her I find it strange and a bit selfish to keep demanding same life under pandemics. She has iron immunity and probably won’t get COVID, but she should think about others, esp those whose surgeries for life-threatening illnesseshad to be postponed bc hospitals ran out of capacity. I knew she is not the most responsible person, but I was surprised she did not even consider other solutions – like hiking in the nature, meeting only with a small group of people and in open air setting. sigh.

      1. That’s what gets me – the refusal to make the most minor tweaks for safety. The refusal to wear a piece of cloth on your face, the refusal to meet outdoors inside of in, the refusal to consider skipping just one of seven parties, the refusal to acknowledge that pedicures are beyond unnecessary, and so much more.

  10. Does anyone have a recommendation for a dog bed that is chew proof or at least very chew resistant? My Boston terrier keeps destroying his beds!

    1. I usually think of this as more of a training issue. I think everything is destroyable if a terrier wants to destroy it badly enough?

    2. Orvis has some very expensive Tough Chew ones. But really–remove the fun new pastime of ripping up beds by changing to a towel for your dog’s bed for a while. Or get a cheaper bed but spray liberally with bitter apple spray, and buying a sack of bully sticks to redirect the boredom. A tired dog is a good dog. GL!

  11. I’m in a super busy time at work and I’m pretty much brain dead. I’m trying to take frequent breaks but what do you do for a ~5 min break to relax or reset or just veg out? Weather is awful today (cold rain) so a walk around the block is out.

    1. Look at real estate listings purely for fun (a favorite vacation spot, a very nice town in my area, etc)

    2. Usually- clean or organize something small. Like changing the water in my vase of flowers, or putting away the little collection of jewelry resting on top of my jewelry box, or emptying the dishwasher. It’s nice to take a break from the screens for a minute.

    3. Get up and move around the floor (or now, house), to get water, do some filing, take out my recycling, basically anything short that requires stepping away from the screen. I attended a stress reduction class that suggests a short break like that every hour to combat mental fatigue.

    4. 5 minute online stretching class. My state of mind improves and my body feels better after this break. I also turn my kettle on, so I have a fresh cup of tea ready when the break ends.

    5. Sun salutations with extra time spent in downward dog. I will often put on a yoga podcast or a YouTube video and turn my phone screen down so I can do it screen free.
      Tea break.
      Water break.
      Chocolate break.
      Even if the weather is awful I at least will stand outside under an awning to get some fresh air.

  12. Just wanted to report back and say thank you to everyone for your advice this morning RE: voting!
    I went back to the same polling place around 3PM and the line had decreased to about 45-60 min (vs the ~2.5 hrs this morning). I also spoke to the poll worker at the end of the line about having a disability, and he was just like “not a problem! someone will come around in a few min and you can go with them and they’ll take you to the front of the line.” No questions asked. It took about 10-15 min of waiting with the disability accommodation.
    I also really appreciated the comment about not letting people’s dirty looks intimidate me. It really helped.

    3. Hooray, I’m glad your story had a happy ending! I also have an invisible disability and understand how hard it is to advocate for yourself so it’s good to hear it went well, even though I hate that it was even necessary.

  13. My husband and I had what could only be described as a terrible marriage for 10 years, basically from the beginning but really accelerating once our eldest child was born. I was desperately unhappy with the balance of power and responsibility in our relationship, but he was so wrapped up in work that he shrugged off my complaints and requests and never took any of them seriously. I felt like I was losing myself to his will in ways big and small every day. Our relationship disintegrated to the point of vicious fighting — he can be vicious, but I found myself becoming vicious as well to try to keep up and be heard — including in front of the children.

    I decided last year that I was not willing to live like that or let my children think this type of relationship was acceptable, and I left him. I did not give him an ultimatum or suggest counseling. We are now separated but not divorced. I feel really emotionally healthy and positive about the separation. It has been great for me, and I think even the act of leaving itself has really helped me find my voice and footing.

    In any case, apparently my non-ultimatum was actually taken by him as an ultimatum, and he changed his behavior drastically. Those changes have held for almost a year now. He has stepped up in the parenting department and really made great strides in a way that has benefited the kids. We are co-parenting very amicably. He is listening to me more and taking my needs into account regularly. At his request, I have agreed to attend counseling the past few months, and I can see that he is continuing to try very hard. HOWEVER, he is severely lacking in empathy and emotional skills. Even his trying feels barely competent at this point. I don’t know if he is narcissistic, or on the autism spectrum disorder, or it’s simply that his emotional muscle is atrophied. But it is early in the counseling.

    I’m very happy on my own actually, but I wonder how much I owe to him and the children to let him keep trying to stretch his emotional capabilities and see if our relationship can improve. It seems to me that could take a very long time. We can’t just stay separated for years; that is financially very expensive and I think fundamentally destabilizing for the kids to be in limbo.

    What does everyone think? I would love to hear both from people who have tried to improve a relationship with an “emotionally deficient”-but-motivated partner and from people whose parents went through very rough patches and did or didn’t get back together.

    1. Omg absolutely not. Don’t even consider it. Get your divorce finalized. It’s great he’s stepped up to be an acceptable co-parent. But in no way should he get another chance at being your husband. I don’t think you should be wasting time with counseling at all.

      1. +1 I wasn’t married to him, but I dated someone like this. He begged me to take him back saying he had changed his ways. I gave him a chance and it went right back to how it was in short order. Get divorced asap.

      2. I have to agree with this. This is probably (and unfortunately) a situation where once you go back, the “trying harder” will stop. I am married with a kid and I completely understand the impulse to try to stay married because of how kids react to divorce. But think about what happens if you go back, he in fact is not different and does not change long-term, and you have to put them through another split. I don’t always believe this, but in your case I think it applies: it’s called a break-up because it’s broken. I admire you for trying to put things back together but he cannot change who he is, at a base level, and it sounds like that’s what you’d need to see change to be happy in the marriage. And you deserve to be happy, not just “hanging in there.” I would stop going to counseling and move forward with finalizing the divorce.

    2. You say that you’re happy on your own. I think you need to dig deeper on that. Is that happiness because you’re away from him and there is less stress? Or are you happy because you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore? People can change. It takes lots and lots of hard work. If you think you could be happy with him again, I think you should give it a little more time and see if you want to stay together. Worst case scenario, you get divorced anyway. You’ll know when its the right time to call it quits for good.

      1. Yeah, don’t make any decisions and continue with the counseling. There will be a time when you don’t need to ask the Internet what to do next, as you will know. I kicked my husband out of our home and we lived apart for over a year until he convinced me that he was serious about building something better and we have. But it took counseling and individual soul searching and genuine commitment from him before I gave it another try. That was about 15 years ago and I don’t feel like I settled. However if he had been less sincere I would have not have gotten back together.

    3. You’re happy. You said it yourself. Your kids are doing ok right? Why would you go back to something that made you so unhappy?

      Move forward.

      1. Agreed. 10 years of desperate unhappiness & vicious fighting where your needs were not acknowledged? You grab every bit of happiness you can right now & create the best home for yourself & your children. You’ve already put in a lot of time & you can’t let yourself become a vicious person when you can simply choose to be a good natured one by being in a better environment.

        Hopefully your ex will evolve into a better person, but don’t let your enjoyment of life depend on that. Work with him to be good co-parents to your children if you can and don’t consider yourself obligated beyond that.

        If it’s easier to keep the peace for awhile by remaining separated or working out communication or other issues in therapy or whatever … you do you. You don’t have to ask for a divorce until your ready. Ultimately, you can tell him your conversations & the work you have done together has led you to see how being friends & coparents & living apart is the best decision for your family (if you decide it is). You don’t want the contentious marriage which wasn’t good for anyone.

    4. What about a happy medium? You stay separated/divorced, he keeps working on himself, and you have a great co-parenting relationship for your kids. That lets you keep everything good that you describe: your independence and voice, him working on himself, being better for the kids, communicating with each other.

      I am cynical, but I feel like even a year of changed behavior (which you describe as still not quite at the level you want emotionally) could easily backslide if you get back together. Why didn’t he care for the first ten years? It seems like it’s because he had power over you and you were stuck, and that you got out without much chance for him to stop you. I am concerned that if you get back with him, things could get much worse and he could be much more controlling to try to stop you from leaving again.

      Plus it doesn’t sound like you actually want to get back together with him, just like you feel like you might owe him something just because he’s finally trying. You’ve been trying for 11+ years and he never felt like he owed the relationship any effort until it was over and he wanted you back! If his behavior change is genuine, it will still be there even if you don’t get back together with him.

      1. I have a separated aunt and uncle with something like this kind of relationship. I love them both and am incredibly grateful that the in-law is still part of my family. I couldn’t tell you how they feel about this except that I realize it was painful in the past. But they still have each other’s back in meaningful ways, and they both seem happy now.

        1. When my kids were little, my husband and I got along in the bedroom but that was about it. I used to dream of a relationship like your aunt and uncle, except that we would still sleep together regularly. In my imagination, we’d be in a duplex and each have our own spaces and the kids could run back and forth.

          It still sounds pretty good to me to be honest!!

          1. What ended up happening for you Anon!? Are you still married and do you get along anywhere other than the bedroom now?

    5. You’re happy, and now you can have an amicable co-parenting relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to stay married — what you’re describing still sounds pretty dreadful.

    6. All I remember from my parents’ marriage is vicious and angry fighting. It made me so sad and miserable. They split when I was 5 or 6, and I never wanted them back together.

    7. Do you love him? Do you see yourself falling back in love with him? If no, that’s your answer.

      My story is not quite so dramatic but very similar. My ex is a good dad and a reasonably good co-parent, but I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with him. I’ve moved on and am now with a loving, caring, empathetic man who adores me and I can’t even imagine how I lived before.

      Good for you for leaving!

    8. Congratulations to you on your fresh start, on finding happiness, on having the awareness that your relationship was devolving and the courage to leave. Truly, this internet stranger is rooting for you and inspired by how you took ownership of your life and happiness. I would continue the couples counseling if it is helping you co-parent, or if you individually are getting any benefit. However, based on your description, this is a man who has ignored your needs for over a decade, and here you are, self described as very happy on your own, still putting his desires over your own best interests. And, its not because he actually has changed and is now the partner you desire, but because he’s “trying”, even though “his trying feel barely competent”. No, do not entertain reconciling with him for one second longer. It’s too little, too late.

      1. This. I’d be wary even if you said he’d transformed into Prince Charming, and this is very far from that. If he’s lacking in empathy, that is more than enough reason to divorce him and continue to work on that good co-parenting relationship!

    9. Keep going forward. Be happy and live your life, now with a much better co-parent but don’t think for a minute he wouldn’t regress if you got back together. Maybe in a few years if he’s still amazing and you find yourself back in love with him, okay, give it a try, but not now.

    10. You get one life. Don’t spend it with someone who lacks empathy and is emotionally deficient. Your kids will be better off with a happy parent who models taking charge of her life. Finish the divorce and best of luck for a wonderful new chapter.

      1. How true this is. You do not want to be back under 1 roof with a guy unless you can have a great emotional experience, which is not sounding good if the dufus has no empathy. While your young, take the time to see if you can find this with another man, and if need be, move in with him to test run how it could be for a month. If you feel great about it, finalize the divorce and latch on to the new one. That way, you’ll at least have a chance at a decent emotional connection while you are still interested in s-x.

  14. Has anyone bought an Apple Watch strap from reclaimed Louis Vuitton bags? I saw one on tiktok and now want but looking at Etsy there’s a ton of sellers!

    1. There is a ton of counterfeit LV, I would not trust anything like this to be real.

    2. Isn’t it going to just look obviously fake, though? Even if it’s made from real LV bags?

  15. Never been deposed. PI Zoom depo shortly but I have numerous questions in advance of the “day before the deposition prep session.” Any tips for how to have the best physical appearance? I was advised that formal courtroom appearance is very important (with no specifics) as opposing counsel will be evaluating me as a witness. I have professional black blazer and t-shirt (multiple compliments on) but what about short white pearls and pearl earrings= too stark?, or small diamond pendent on gold chain=too conservative or demure? I am more concerned regarding mannerisms and looking “not credible” because of nerves rather than dishonesty: e.g. where to look at the screen/webcam, what to do for bad nerves, if stumped, or falsely accused? Any thoughts on answering honestly without saying more than necessary? Other comments welcome! Thanks for the great help and support you provide.

    1. I had professional coaching for being an expert witness/subject matter expert. The first thing is that your attorney should thoroughly prepare you for answering questions. Only answer what they ask. The adage is that if the opposing attorney asks if you know what time it is, the answer is not 3:00, it’s yes or no. But your attorney should be walking through expected questions with you.

      What I learned in my coaching sessions is that juries and judges can be very biased against professional women, so you have to come across as competent but helpful, never arrogant, never superior. Think of Kamala Harris when she had to ask Mike Pence to not speak over her – “I’m speaking, Mr. Vice President” with a big smile. It makes me sick that we have to do this, but unfortunately we do.

      Depositions are a little different because the opposing attorney is evaluating you as a witness for the other side, and deciding whether you’re good, in which case they might settle, or whether they think they could exploit your weaknesses in court. If they seem like they’re being a jerk, it’s because they are. They’re trying to get under your skin and make you say something you didn’t intend to say.

      Know what the key points are that you want to get across, and stick to those points.

      In terms of dress, I was told to wear something soft – black and white can seem too severe. But this advice was more for trial. I wore a mocha colored jacket with a pink shell for many appearances because it was selected by my coach from among many things I owned as being professional but approachable.

      I hope some of this helps!

      1. Naive question here. I have never been deposed, but my husband is deposed for med mal cases (he consults on them) and while the attorney may discuss with him the particular strategy / areas to emphasize, he’s never been told what to wear. In person pre-COVID, he just wore a suit because that’s what one would wear to a courtroom; now, frankly, he’s done Zoom depositions where he’s zooming from what is clearly our home and wearing his scrubs. Does it matter all that much? None of the lawyers have indicated to him that he needed to put on a suit or zoom from his office background.

        1. He’s a man, so it doesn’t matter as much for him, see above about how women get judged. I would absolutely ask if I were a woman.

  16. I’m South Asian. All of the women in my family dye their hair as soon as it starts going grey. This includes my mother, both of my grandmothers (in their 80s) and my in-laws. They don’t even go to a salon. I’m told doing hair black is one of the easiest things and they all do it at home. I am not at the point where I have any greys but I will definitely be coloring my hair when it happens. My older sister has started going grey but she has decided not to dye her hair. The greys she does have are very noticeable because of the contrast with her black hair and it ages her greatly. Is this any of my business or should I leave it alone? We’re both lawyers (I’m former biglaw now in-house and she’s still in biglaw) and I’m afraid it is going to affect her and hold her back professionally and in her dating life. I know she has fought with my mother and aunt and grandmothers over it but I feel like my reasoning is different. Should I say anything? Also if anyone with black hair has any stories about going grey I’d appreciate hearing them since I’m not far off myself.

    1. Lord, I hope you repost on a weekday — it will be entertaining.

      Listen, I don’t know what it is about your reasoning that you think is different than your other relatives’, since you haven’t explained that. But you haven’t indicated in any way that you have information your sister doesn’t have. She is older than you, has grown up in the same family, and works in the same industry, and yet she has still made this decision. What new information are you presenting to her? What good do you think comes from such a conversation? Why do you want to undermine her? These aren’t rhetorical questions — I think they are something for you to think about before even contemplating approaching her.

      That said, I don’t have any information about going grey gracefully. I have dark brown hair and either henna it myself or go to the salon. In my experience it isn’t hard, and it is worth it to me to not have greys staring back at me. But I am fairly certain that if my (younger!!) sibling said anything about it to me, I would stop dyeing it out of spite.

      1. The “new information” OP may think she has could have to do with the “dating life” reference. If OP is the married younger sister, she may feel qualified to advise her sorry old single sister about how to get a man. I’m grossed out just typing this, and I hope I’m wrong.

        I agree that this is none of OP’s business. I’m thrilled to see more women rocking their natural hair these days, and think that black hair with whites mixed in looks beautiful. (So will any love interest who is a good match for the sister.)

    2. Your sister has gone far in life. If she hasn’t asked, she doesn’t need your input on her hair.

      I would be so sad if my sister pointed out something she thought I should be doing for my appearance that other family members have already been pushing.

    3. Your sister is a lawyer – so we can assume she is smart enough and able to take care kd herself. It is her hair and her choice. Personally, I think grey hair can look fantastic on some people. Also, if she ever changes her mind, she can always color it black. And yes, coloring hair in a single color that is close to your original one (esp on straight hair) is super easy.

    5. Leave it alone. More women are trying silver instead of dyeing their hair. And if she ends up hating it she can always dye it later. Due to the pandemic I am growing out my expensive multi process salon color. I don’t know yet whether I will keep the silvery result or go with a restart in a new color when all of this is over. I would be angry if someone bothered me about it while I decide what I want to do.

      1. I think each person should decide for herself. Personally, I would of course go to the salon, even if a Brazilian Blowout is not currently in the cards. For now, I am just getting by for myself washing and drying and conditioning my own hair, and keeping it all tidy with a schrunchie. I look like Gwenneth Paltrow with no makeup. Once the pandemic is over, I know the manageing partner will NOT want me wearing schrunchies every day, and particularly not when I go back into court. In the mean time, he does not mind me doing conference calls on Webex, Teams and Zoom, depending on who the other side is, wearing clean schrunchies. He told me about Jeffrey Toobin’s on-line experience, which was weird. Did the hive hear about this, an does anyone know why or how this happened?

    6. Do you comment on her body, too, if she gains / loses weight? Do you offer your unsolicited opinions on what color she paints her fingernails? My god. Unless she asks for your opinion, why on earth would you give it to her?

      1. Hear, hear! so many lovely ladies are embracing their silver and it lights up their faces and gives them an amazing radiance that the dull dead fake-a$$ hair dye will never give them, IMO. I was inhouse when I stopped dying and yeah, it’s great (male & female) jerk repellent for sure. If you love your sister, support her! Also read what Anne Kreamer said about much more she got hit on when she had grey hair instead of dyed dark brown. Authenticity is sexy AF!

    7. Oh, my goodness.
      Your sister’s hair is not your business. In general, other people’s bodies are not our business. I assume that however people look, however they present their bodies, they are doing that for their own reasons, which are their business and not mine. It’s not my place to tell them that such-and-such would look better, as I would not be receptive of that feedback if it were given to me, about my body/my appearance.
      I have a friend who has dark hair and started going gray at 28. She has a fantastic grey streak in the front of her hair (like Stacy London) and it looks fabulous, IMO. I think you’ve internalized some messages about grey hair that are leading you to conclusions that aren’t based in reality, like that your sister will be hurt personally or professionally by her hair. That’s your burden to bear and your problem to fix. Not your sister’s. Please do yourself and your sister and actually everyone in your family a favor and keep your mouth shut about this. Pretend like you never thought about saying anything. Believe me, you will be grateful later if you follow this advice.

    8. Some are taking shots at you and I’m wondering if it might cause a defensive feeling so I’m going to assume that everything you say is 100% correct; her hair looks horrible and it may hinder her career and her dating life and no one in your family has told her that before. If she’s a lawyer, she’s intelligent enough to pull of appropriate appearance for schools and interviews and with clients, so it seems she isn’t usually work inappropriate. That would mean that, if she has an indication at work that her hair is holding her back or if she thinks her hair is ugly, she’ll change it soon on her own. It also means that, if she does not change it soon, it’s not a work problem and/or she doesn’t think it’s ugly.

      So now she has hair that isn’t changed so it’s not a work problem and she likes it.

      What about dating?

      If she likes her hair, would you tell her to change other things about herself that she likes in order to try to please someone else? Of course not! So that doesn’t work either.

      We know your family members have already given her other reasons and she has not changed her hair.

      So this means that either she’ll change it soon or it is not a problem for her and she enjoys it.

      It means you’d either be saying something awful to her about something she is either going to change soon (so there would be no need) or about something she enjoys about herself (which is just cruel).

      So then your choices are to either say something needlessly or to say something cruel. If it’s needless, you don’t need to say it. So the only reason you would have to say it would be to say something cruel to your sister. Is that your intention? If so, that’s on you to figure out why you are cruel to your sister. If it’s not, now you know not just not to say it but why not to say it.

      Hope this helps! :)

    9. Keeping grays is actually on trend right now. It’s also not always a bad thing professionally to look a bit older. I would advise against saying ANYTHING about her dating life; there is no way she hasn’t already thought of this already, and she definitely knows more than you do about who she wants to date.

    11. I’m also South Asian. Stay out of it. Your sister knows what she’s doing and does not need your advice.

  17. To the poster who recommended Heartland by Sarah Smarsh as a more insightful book than White Trash, thank you!! She does a far better job of articulating the challenges of being working poor and linking her own experiences to government policies and social change. I keep reading bits of it aloud to my husband, because it reflects many of my lived experiences.

  18. My boyfriend and I have fallen into a habit of sitting in the couch and zoning out to Netflix every day after dinner. It’s not exactly an activity where you’re connecting with the other person, and I’m trying to think of some alternatives that could be better. Are there board/card games good for two people? Other good weeknight activities where we’d actually be talking to each other? We do go on walks sometimes but the weather is getting so much worse. And of course, I do realize some days are going to be zone out on the couch days. Definitely not trying to plan five nights of activities a week, just looking to shake up routine a little bit.

    1. We do what we call “iPad concerts” – one of us picks a band / singer / song, we read about said band on Wikipedia and then go through their hits chronologically (ideally looking for live versions or official videos). I recognize it’s still more passive than you might like, but there’s some level of interaction as we discuss what songs we like / don’t like, what memories they bring back, etc.

      1. Watching Netflix togehter really does not have to be a passive activity! Talk about what you are seeing. What do you like or not like about the show? Wjat do you think of the different characters? What can you relate to?

        1. Sorry that was a nesting fail… also, we do what Lauren says as well, and variations thereof. Ex. Listen together to music from a particular decade and talk)

    2. Jigsaw puzzles, scrabble — you could actually play words with friends against each other from opposite ends of the couch. Read together.

    4. My parents switched from watching TV in the evenings to playing a board game. Much better use of their time, as they need to use their brain vs passively watch whatever is on TV. They have fun, they get angry (at the unfair division of luck), and we get to play with them when we visit. They play Catan (not sure if it is known beyond EU).

      1. I recommend Splendor, Azul, Jaipur, small Ticket to Ride (NY, London or Amsterdam), Santorini (a bit like chess or checkers). They all work great with two people and are good games for people who are not into modern board/card games. Catan doesn’t work so good for two players and in my opinion slowly starts to show its age (the design could be more streamlined for what it is).

  19. Hive. I have a Bumble date tonight and I am PANICKING! I just made it today so I haven’t had a lot of time to really prepare. We are going to get a drinks on a patio. I have social anxiety but I am very interested in this guy so trying to put myself out there. I’ve also gained 20 pounds in the past year so I have the clothing anxiety too (not a lot fits) but I think I managed to put something together. I’m just a big ball of nerves and thinking things like “what if I don’t look as good as I do in my pictures” etc. Can anyone calm me down?

    1. You’ve got this, lady!! And remember, unless you put outdated pictures on your dating profile…he matched with you NOW, THIS YEAR, at this weight. He is already attracted to your physical appearance. Now it’s primarily matter of finding out if your personalities, values, and goals are compatible :) Be yourself and have fun!

    2. You will do great! And probably something awkward, too. I was super awkward at times on my first date with my husband. But we made it through. I am still super awkward sometimes, but we’re happily married anyway :)

    3. Awaiting an update no matter how it turns out, and hoping he’s enjoyable company whether there’s a spark or not! :)

      1. OP here. He was NOT good company. I’m honestly a little speechless. That was by far the worst date I’ve ever been on. He was rude, a mansplainer, didn’t ask me anything about myself (not even an easy “what about you”after I asked him things). He told me I was superficial for enjoying reading Mariah Carey’s new memoir. She didn’t even write it, just wanted money, and how could I possibly exhaust myself with the life of someone famous?! He mansplained to me about how the electoral college/voting worked. He told a rude Holocaust joke and then proceeded to state that he was a hardcore atheist…I said “you should probably update your profile” (which says he’s agnostic).

        This was my first date in years so I cried in the bathroom at one point while trying to figure out how to end things. The date ended with me trying to get an Uber (first experience since March) but with Halloween, it kept saying there were no cars available. He didn’t want to wait and left me alone at the bar. I stayed another hour trying to get a car and finally got one, which took about 30 minutes to arrive and cost $80 because of surge pricing (a normal ride costs $29). The bar staff could tell what was going on and they were very sympathetic.

        I’m curled up in a ball today and wondering what went wrong with my screening process. He seemed sweet over text and his profile actually made me really excited. I thought we were going to be a great match. I wouldn’t even be upset if it wasn’t a match, but had been good company. I’m not sure I’ll be going out on another date for a while.

        *Side note: Mariah Carey’s memoir is fantastic and the first part about her childhood speaks a candidly about the racism she endured as a mixed child, both from society and from her white family members. It’s raw, relevant, and I recommend it.

        1. I keep thinking of other things – he asked me if I’ve ever had a “pregnancy scare” and whether I still had student loans (when I stammered “yes,” he then asked how long it had been since I graduated and seemed to be mentally calculating why I still had these loans.

          1. Oh my god. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your screening process; there is NO WAY you could have predicted this!

          2. OP…just remembered another one y’all will like…he said that the RBG documentary on Hulu didn’t do a good job of explaining how successful Marty Ginsburg was and how he was, like, THE number 1 tax lawyer in the nation. I said, “well, it wasn’t a documentary about him.” (For the record though, I think the documentary did a fine job explaining Marty Ginsburg’s success). Thanks for the responses you all, I’m feeling a little better.

          3. I’m sorry that you met such an @sshole. Unfortunately there’s no failsafe way to screen them out. Please don’t blame yourself in any way. Do whatever feels cleansing for you to forget that this garbage man ever existed, and go on another date, or don’t, with a clear conscience. It’s not you.

          4. Hi, I came to read this after your post on the Monday morning thread. I don’t know if you’re still reading replies, but “it wasn’t a documentary about him” is the kind of thing I find myself hours later wishing I had said. You sound like an awesome person, and this guy is a total jerk.

        2. Oh honey noooooooo

          The only thing you’ve done wrong here is to spend half a thought thinking you did something wrong!

          You chose an outfit that worked for you (a win because now you’ll have a solid first date outfit option in the future).
          You did all the right things, and asked the probing questions.
          You kept yourself in public and safe.
          You saw red flags and didn’t pursue the guy any further.

          When it’s so bad that the bar staff can tell, it’s 1000000% him and not you. They see a ton of “it just wasn’t a fit” first dates, so they affirmed your interpretation of the events and were likely thrilled not to see you go home with him!

          This jerk did all of the wrong things and still got to spend an evening hanging out with you; he was quite lucky. At the end of the date though, you’ll find a better fit and he’ll always be him (which likely means every date ends with the horrified recounting yours did).

          You did amazing and you are amazing!

          1. I wasn’t even the OP but this response cheered me up!! I will add my hearty second to this- so sorry it was such a bad experience OP, but I am proud of you for realizing, getting yourself out of there, and you pushed back when he rudely challenged you!

        3. One thought – I would choose a location in a walking distance from your home (if you feel safe enough to walk alone at night there), just in case the next contestant is similar outcast and taxis are scarce. Don’t dwell on this for too long, schedule a next date. This one was a clear idiot and you will go through more to find the 1-2 nice guys. When you have a feeling things are weird (have a list of your red flags) after 15mins, don’t waste your time. Order a taxi, ask for the bill, move on.

          1. +1 I meet dates for coffee/tea so there’s a distinct time limit

            Ps….what a rotten guy-

            You now have an awesome first date outfit for next time

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