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Updated: Nov 13, 2020 254 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Annony

    I appreciate that my husband cleans the house, I really really do. But why tf does he think 10 AM on a Friday is a good time to vacuum? You see me on video calls all.day.long. Why? This is prime meeting time! Why?!?

    • Anon

      I understand the vent, but this sounds like an easy “don’t do loud chores during the workday” request – and sense some men are dense define what those are.

      • Thanks, it has pockets!

        I agree. “Hey babe, please don’t vacuum during these times, I’m almost always in meetings and the sound is super disruptive.” He honestly might not realize how much it’s bothering you, since you’re wearing headphones.

        I tend to vacuum during the workday because my guy is in his room, meaning the living room and hallways are clear, but I do try to make sure he’s not in a meeting before I do it.

    • Anonymous

      totally agree. my husband is like this with the dishes and vacuuming — worst timing ever.

    • Anon

      My kids (teens) seem to think there is no better time to get into a boisterous bickering match than when Mom is on a zoom call for work.

    • Friday

      I was upstairs last night before dinner, silently filling out a bit of paperwork. Kiddo (3.5) walked to the bottom of the stairs and *yelled at the top of his lungs “HEY MOM! BE QUIET! DAD IS ON THE PHONE!”
      *DH did not instruct him to do this or hear him – he was just trying to be helpful.

    • Anonymous

      Not gonna lie—earlier today I walked into the house and took off the dog’s collar yelling “Naked time!” —right before realizing my husband was on a work call.

    • Ellen

      I would be glad if:
      1) I had a husband and
      2) he cleaned!
      I have neither. When I had a boyfreind, he was the opposite. He dirtied everything, and I mean everything, and I had to clean or wait for the cleaning lady to clean up his mess. He also was generally dirty, did not brush his teeth (except with water), and ruined my cotton sheets.

      So be glad for what you have, as he sounds like someone else could well spear him if you don’t hold on to him. Just tell him when is best to clean and you should be fine.

  2. kk

    I have this robe and its AMAZING. I received it in pink as a birthday gift in August and wear it every day/night, washing once a week or so, and it still looks brand new. I’d happily recommend buying it as a holiday gift for anyone you love.

    • kk

      Adding- it’s not really an out-of-the-shower robe for me, I have a big terry robe for that. This is more like a sweatshirt to put on over my pj’s first thing in the morning or last thing at night.

    • Sunshine71

      I love it so much that I have two of them! They are the perfect weight and they wash up beautifully. I have bought Ugg robes as gifts for family and they love the robes too.

  3. Anonymous

    There are more west coast killer whale pregnancies! It’s been a hard day and this happy news might have caused me to spontaneously cry. Hopefully it makes some of you guys happy too.

  4. Another Thanksgiving Question

    My husband and I both work remotely and we have been quarantining since March except for less than a handful of necessary contacts like a plumber visit and going in for a lab test. My mother and brother are both able to quarantine for the next two weeks while we do the same. We had been planning on doing Thanksgiving on my mother’s back porch (we all live within an hour’s drive), but between the posts I see here and the news I’m a little nervous. My mother and I have a medical condition that may result in a higher risk of COVID, but no higher risk for complications (however she is 60 so she has additional risk factors). Our area is in the 6% positive range and cases have reached a high, but we are in much better condition than most of the country. If we cancel, my brother and mother will probably celebrate together anyway. I am having a dental issue that is going to require an office visit soon, so I could easily schedule that now as a reason to have to cancel if need be.

    • anon

      I would reschedule the dental visit next quarantine. Without the dental visit, your plan seems very low risk to me…

      • Allie

        Agreed. Have a solid bathroom plan and don’t feel pressure to help clear dishes into the kitchen and enjoy – outdoor transmission when socially distant even while eating and drinking seems very rare.

    • Anon

      The dentist was one of the safest and more sanitized places I’ve been recently.

      • Anonymous

        Yes — I went yesterday (second time since lockdown). They are gloved, gowned, double-masked, and face-shielded. We are the risk to them; they are not a risk to us. If you haven’t been to the dentist in 9 months, I’d go. I don’t skip anything health-related. I’m trying to keep myself away from anything more serious before we get past this.

      • LaurenB

        Agree on the dentist. I did a regular dental visit recently (had rescheduled it from the beginning of the pandemic) and the dentists/hygienists are the ones taking the risk, not the patients. This is going to get really bad, so who knows when you’ll be able to do it again. I don’t think a dental visit is sufficient to count as “breaking quarantine.”

      • Ellen

        Yes; I had my teeth examined and cleaned by the dentist and the hygenist, and they were all PPE’d up so there was no issue with them. They asked me if I was allergic to Latex, b/c they had different gloves they could wear. I told them that I was, b/c my ex’s condoms was limited and they put some other plasticy stuff on. All in all, no issues, and I had no cavities, either! YAY!!!!

    • Anonymous

      This is what I’m doing. My family all lives local and we are in each other’s bubble. All work from home and only go out for groceries.

    • anonyK

      No one can answer this for you! Depends on your own particulars and risk tolerance. I’m sorry to say that because I know this year has been a series of decisions like this with no easy answers. Personally, I think your plan sounds fine. You can wear a mask (when not eating) and make sure you sit far apart while eating for extra protection. And make it a shorter Thanksgiving than normal, less hanging around chatting than in typical year. Our state is similar (possibly same?) and we are aiming for outdoor Thanksgiving with my local family only (10 people total), separate seating by household for meal, and a much shorter gathering than usual. If weather does not allow then we will reschedule for a different day or cancel.

    • OP

      Thanks all. Testing seems risky to me because we don’t have many drive in sites, it is mostly going into an urgent care where there may be a lot of sick people. My dentist appointment isn’t urgent at all so I was planning to wait until the week after Thanksgiving, but thought it would be a good excuse if I wanted to cancel.

      • Quadra

        OP – I’ve been doing an at-home $150 spit test (still PCR) before seeing my parents unmasked in indoor settings. If you can afford it, I highly recommend it for your peace of mind. There are many others, but I’ve used VaultHealth since they contract with Rutgers to do lab testing and it’s typically a 48 hour testing turnaround time.

        • Anonymous

          Not sure what you’re using but the spit tests from Abbott are horribly unreliable. I’m

          • AnonMPH

            The Abbot spit tests are not PCR, which she noted in her comment that these tests are.

    • anon

      I am cautious and canceled my own T-Day celebration, but this plan actually sounds fine to me. Three people + outdoors seems very reasonable.

    • Anon

      If you trust that your mother and brother and anyone in their households really are going to quarantine, I think you’re fine getting together with them. But if their idea of quarantine is “I went to the grocery store but I wore a mask, and then I talked to friends outside but I stayed six feet from everyone” then the plan is more risky. That’s not what quarantine is. That’s regular covid safe behavior, but not the same as quarantine.

      Yes You have to be clear about what quarantine really is.

    • Betsy

      If all of you are truly quarantining for 14 days, I don’t see the risk (and I am pretty risk adverse). If everyone is doing a strict quarantine I think testing before hand would actually be a bad idea – that’s an exposure point you wouldn’t otherwise have.

    • AnonMPH

      If you all are truly quarantining for 14 days (which means you all already started quarantining last week!), I think this is fine and there isn’t a need to cancel. For us, truly quarantining means that while we are walking the dog, we are otherwise not leaving the house. Not going to any stores, not seeing anyone socially outdoors, etc. We will get groceries delivered, maybe get some takeout delivered, but that’s it. When we drive to see my high risk parents we will stop ONE time to use a bathroom masked and immediately use hand sanitizer after. If all households will take this level of precautions, this should be safe. I would still suggest getting tested right before if possible.

  5. Anon

    I need a good gift for my mom turning 60 soon. Any recommendations? We wanted to do a big party for this milestone birthday, but for obvious reasons cannot do that, so I want a special gift to replace that. I am super lost. A few things about her to give a personality basis:
    1) She’s retired but still works 50 hours a week on her side business, various charities, and church stuff.
    2) She’s intellectually curious but conservative (not in a “no gay people” kinda way but in a “I can’t believe she didn’t send a thank you note within three weeks of the wedding” kinda way).
    3) She reads a lot
    4) She likes jewelry but tends to forget to wear it except for a few necklaces that she rotates after wearing it for weeks.
    5) She’s on a permadiet
    6) Likes loud colors and prints at random (there is no rhyme or reason to what she will and won’t wear)
    7) Loves tchotkes and home decor

    • AIMS

      What’s the budget?

      You could do a book of the month club or something nice for the house. My mom is always happy with something splurge-y from Mackenzie Childs. Or you could get her a beautiful quilt or a really fancy robe.

      Or maybe a digital frame that the whole fam can upload pictures to? Digital cooking class you can all do together?

      And tell her you’ll plan the party when the vaccine is available (one of my favorite older women planned a belated 60th bday party for herself when she turned 62 – nothing to do with a pandemic). We’re planning thanksgiving in April now. It helps!

    • Senior Attorney

      Does she have a Kindle? I LOVE mine.

      How about a beautiful piece of art for her home? Maybe pick a few in your price range and let her make the final selection?

      Also how about an IOU for the big party? I have several friends who say they are “redshirting” their milestone birthdays. You could even give her a red shirt.

    • anon

      The Houston Ballet is doing a virtual nutcracker market (their annual holiday shopping bazaar for lack of a better description) through the end of the month. Just google it. The vendors there would be perfect for items 6 & 7.

      • Anon

        OP here, that is a great idea! Forgot to say I’m Houston based so that is very relevant, we go every year.

        • Anon

          If she is also Houston based, the livestream concerts from the Houston Symphony are surprisingly good. You can buy a season package fairly inexpensively or one or two concerts if you need a pick me up for her.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      How about Book of the Month, or the Page 1 Books subscription, or both? I love BOTM (let me know if you want a referral code!) but I’m just starting a Page 1 subscription and am very interested to see what they send. Or an Audible subscription if she does a lot of solitary work where she could listen to books? A waterproof kindle? I have the Oasis and like it a lot.

      What about a subscription to the NYTimes book review? Or one of those “on this day” NYTimes books?

    • Anon

      The metropolitan museum of art store should be good, particularly their scarves which I may or may not have succumbed to at EWR several times.

      • Anonymous

        I got a gorgeous custom scarf hand-beaded and embroidered for my mom’s 60th. It’s really special and she feels great wearing it. It was produced by refugees in my mom’s home country, so she loved that it supported women artisans in need as well.

        • Anonymous

          In case anyone is interested: https://www.inaash.org/
          They don’t do ecommerce, so I had to send a wire via Western Union which was a bit weird, but my mom had visited the store in person last time she was there so I knew it was legitimate.

        • Anonymous

          Another thought is that if she loves home decor and your budget is that high, would a great piece of art be an option? Painting or sculpture (since you said she likes tchotkes)?

  6. Anonymous

    How many of you have cleaning people over during the pandemic? Will you continue to do so as we hit this fall/winter wave? I know Fauci had said a few months ago that their cleaning person comes over — wears a mask and gloves and they stay out of the same rooms at the same times. But I’m not clear on whether that was more ok in the summer when rates were lower or if that same advice applies thru the winter were even up north (NJ etc.) we’re seeing significant increase. I feel like over the summer this was an easier decision — better rates, hotter weather so you could open every window in the house etc.

    • Sunshine

      The person who cleans for us comes once a month. We leave the house for the hours she is at our house.

      • Ellen

        You need to make sure your cleaning lady does not help herself to stuff you do not know she is taking. My old cleaning lady took some fancy linens that were in my closet that I never used b/c I was still using the old ones. After I was looking for some other things in there I noticed they were missing, and asked her after my ex told me he never even goes in that closet. The cleaning lady told me there was mildew in the bathroom so she took those from the back of the closet to clean with then threw them out. I did not believe she would do such a dumb thing. I told Dad and he fired her.

    • anonyK

      Ours comes every other week. It’s a team of 2-3. They wear masks and I stay out of their way (in my home office, which they don’t clean, with door shut). I had them stop coming when we were under a shelter in place order, and I’ll probably stop them again if it gets to that point, but only then. I don’t think it’s very high risk if you wear masks and your place is large enough that you can stay a good distance from them.

    • Anokha

      Ours come every other weekend, and we leave the house while they’re here.

    • Anonymous

      I started doing it again when I asked about it here and someone shared that article that talked about Fauci having a cleaning person. I take the same precautions already mentioned. Ask her to wear a mask, I leave or stay a room with the doors shut and she doesn’t go in there. It’s been worth it for my sanity.

    • Anonymous

      I would cancel now unless you live in an area with very low case counts and positivity rates. We are blowing through new records daily now and are probably on the verge of new shelter-in-place orders in many states.

    • anon

      Ours is still coming, and will continue to come as long as there’s not a shelter-in-place order. We open windows, she wears a mask, and we stay in our offices with our doors closed until she’s finished. She starts with the 2nd-floor bathroom so we can go in there while she’s cleaning the rest of the house. It’s not ideal but it’s only once a month. I used the calculator at https://www.microcovid.org/ to approximate the risk, and it feels ok even with rising numbers of infections in our state.

    • Anon

      Yes. Mine had covid back in March (I didn’t have her come mid-March through June) and recently tested again for antibodies. She’s still very careful, wears a mask and avoids socializing. Her kids are in school. I’m usually home, working, when she’s here, and we chat mask-free. This is probably the riskiest behavior I’ve engaged in this whole pandemic. I would probably feel differently if she hadn’t already had it — I think that decreases this risk, though of course it’s not zero.

    • NY CPA

      Yes. She comes once a month. I stay in my room while she cleans the rest of the apartment, and then move out of her way into another room while wearing a mask. As long as she is comfortable and there is no stay at home order, I’m happy to have her keep coming. I will say though that I pushed up our schedule by a week this month so that I can properly quarantine for 14 days before Thanksgiving, and will do the same for Christmas.

    • Anon

      The cleaning lady is always here, but right now she’s goofing off on c0rpor3te on her cell phone. ;)

    • Anonymous

      We asked ours to resume service once our case count was under control, and left the house while they were there. We just put them on hold for the rest of the year, as we are experiencing an uptick.

    • Sunshine71

      Ours comes once a week; we are in PA. We are never within 6 feet of each other; I greet her from a distance and we aren’t in the same room at the same time. She is very clear that she won’t come if she feels at all unwell because none of us want to take a risk. We’ll continue to have her come unless there is another shelter-in-place order.

    • GC

      Our cleaners come once a month – we sit outside or leave the house, and it’s been fine. Our current plan is to continue this way, though I could see that changing if rates get truly high around here (DC). That said, I think it’s really important to continue paying if you choose to cancel temporarily because of the pandemic. Our income hasn’t changed, thankfully, but it’s been eye-opening talking with our dog walker (who we also continue to use, though we don’t need him working from home) about the lost income and insecurity for so many people. It could really be the difference in someone losing their apartment right now.

      • Anonymous

        Our housekeeper overbooks on clients knowing that she is in area with a lot of folks who travel.

    • Ann

      We used to have our cleaning come twice a month but told her to stop coming in March as things were getting bad with COVID and yet not resumed the service. Ultimately we didn’t feel like the risk of someone bringing other homes’ germs into our home was a good idea right now. We have continued to pay her though (just a personal decision…we’re lucky to be in a position where we still can and we haven’t been financially impacted by COVID but of course so many people, like our cleaning lady, probably are.)

  7. Anonymous

    I’m really concerned about the election situation. It feels like everyone is pretending that Trump’s claims of fraud are going to just quietly go away but there is no evidence to support that he behaves like that. What can average citizens even do right now? I want to turn my concern into action but I am not sure how to make any impact. I want to just shut the world out and discuss bathrobes but it feels like it’s too dangerous to be totally complacent.

    • Anonymous

      IDK — I’d do nothing.

      IIRC, you have a holdover tenant at suffrance in employer provided housing come January; I think that there are people who will handle that (the move-out) and I’d not worry about it.

      • LaurenB

        In all seriousness, who “removes” him if he doesn’t voluntarily vacate the WH with his personal belongings? The Secret Service? The military? I don’t know how it works.

        In a perverse way, while I’m obviously sorry that so many Secret Service folks have been affected by Covid, I kind of hope they turn against him and won’t feel any loyalty towards him and thus won’t have any compunction whatsoever to escort him from the premises.

        • Ellen

          The USSS (Secret Service) has jurisdiction in this situation to protect the president, but after the inauguaation, he gets more limited protection and cannot use the Jet. Dad guesses that someone will have to pack up his stuff and ship it to Trump Tower or Maralargo, as he does not see Melania doing that. He also thinks that Melania will go to NY b/c of Baron’s schooling, but that the Donald will go to Maralargo for the winter to golf, as Florida is warmer and voted for him. Trump also said he would not send the vaccine to NY b/c he is mad at Coumo for bad moutheing him on the Howard Stern Radio Program.

    • anonyK

      Discuss bathrobes. There is nothing you can do. This is a whole bunch of nothing to me honestly. It’s just a whiny toddler tantrum and we’d all do best to ignore him, especially the news media who can’t stop talking about whether Trump will concede as if it even matters. It doesn’t. Yes he is being petty and making the transition harder, but that is it. As I understand it, he could win all of his lawsuits (he won’t) and he still wouldn’t be president. He doesn’t have a real army. There is no “coup.” He is done, come January. I actually think there is higher odds he just quits being president before then (“fine I didn’t want to be president anymore anyway!), either literally resigning or effectively doing so by just playing golf and chilling in FL for the next two months.

      • anon

        Yes, exactly. The man’s tantrums are as productive as a toddler’s, but you can forgive a toddler for its tantrum. He is best ignored. The only way to get rid of a malignant narcissist is to take away his supply, and paying credence to his tantrum feeds his ego. The real issue in my mind is the long term effects his tantrum will have on the undermining of democratic norms. Will we now have to persistently rebuff the myths of massive election fraud and a coup? What does it mean that so many republicans were unwilling to embrace reality? But these are more philosophical questions that are best addressed by doing the things we all know we need to do to uphold democratic norms.

      • Anonymous

        This. He’s a con artist. If you believe he can just decide to continue being President, I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell you.

    • AIMS

      Call your elected representatives. Especially if you’re in a red state. Urge them to publicly accept the result and to urge the president to concede. Frame it as concern about a smooth transition.
      If you have friend in red states, ask them to do the same.

      • Anonymous

        This and highlight that the 9/11 Commission said that the delay in the Clinton-Bush transition because of the recount was problematic:

        “When the 9/11 Commission finished its report, it found that the delayed transition “hampered the new administration in identifying, recruiting, clearing and obtaining Senate confirmation of key appointees” in the national security arena. The commission also concluded that avoiding future disruptions in transitions was deeply in the national interest.”

        https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/podesta-card-bush-gore-transition-trump/2020/11/10/ae1a960a-239f-11eb-8672-c281c7a2c96e_story.html

      • cbackson

        +1

        I called Loeffler and Perdue’s offices and laid on a heavy Concerned White Lady speech about the need to move on and unite for the good of the country and all that.

        • Anon

          You know that most Republicans have no desire to “unite for the good of the country” after Jill Stein’s recounts, the attempts to sway the electors, the Russian collusion investigation, and the impeachment over Hunter Biden’s malfeasance… right?

          99% of Republicans I know will laugh at you and then dish it right back to Biden. It’s payback time, not unity time.

          • Anon

            You know some terrible people then. Find better friends. And put down the bre1tbart for one second.

          • AIMS

            Also – what was their reasoning for not wanting to do anything remotely bipartisan before 2016? Just curious. Cough cough, Merrick Garland.

      • LaurenB

        I am nervous about moving to Florida (a move planned pre-pandemic) because of their moron governor and their lack of mask compliance, but I will be delighted to change my residency and vote down there. Have already contacted the local Dem party there to ask how I can get involved.

    • Anon

      I kind of think they are already petering out – nothing is going to stick. He will never concede. Things will transition.

    • No Face

      Trump will whine about this for years. He will never quietly go away. However, he does not really have any path to keep the White House come January. Now if this was like 2000, where the entire election could hinge on a single lawsuit about a single state that had documented problems with its voting mechanisms, I would be very nervous. But Trump really doesn’t have a leg to stand on here.

    • Anonymous

      NYT just called Georgia for Biden. Assuming the recount doesn’t actually change anything, this is amazing news. I don’t believe Trump has a leg to stand on, but I’m not sure that will stop him from wild, desperate actions that could do real harm. I would feel differently if Republicans in power stood up to him.

    • Senior Attorney

      The last two states have been called and I feel like today is going to be the day the reality sets in. Although Lord knows what he’s going to say when he speaks in a little while…

    • Anon

      Let’s keep in mind that Trump’s resistance is a huge fundraising opportunity for him, and as long as the “fight the election results” money keeps flowing in from people I consider idiots, he’s not going to stop until forced to. The things that will force him to are the electors officially voting or forceful removal on January 20, which I actually would pay to watch.

      He’s sowing more seeds of division with this, unfortunately, but he will not be president January 21 in any case. With any luck, by July 21 he will be Danamora Correctional Facility inmate # x.

      • Anonymous

        I have a dream he’ll be escorted from the White House straight to prison where he’ll be booked with criminal charges and deemed a flight risk … at some point the whole world sees him shuffling around in an orange jumpsuit with his wrists and ankles chained together, yes chained, as they load him into the back of a paddy wagon … it’s the last time he makes the news & no one sees or hears from him ever again.

        • anon

          I hope we see him one more time after that… I’m dying to know what he looks like without the hair and makeup.

    • anonshmanon

      if it makes you feel better, 80% of us apparently still acknowledge reality: The Reuters/Ipsos national opinion survey, which ran from Saturday afternoon to Tuesday, found that 79% of U.S. adults believe Biden won the White House. Another 13% said the election has not yet been decided, 3% said Trump won and 5% said they do not know.
      https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-election-poll/nearly-80-of-americans-say-biden-won-white-house-ignoring-trumps-refusal-to-concede-reuters-ipsos-poll-idUSKBN27Q3ED

        • Anon

          They have actually not been bad. They missed Florida this year most notably but they had the other states more or less right, including the ones that were very close.

          • LaurenB

            The 306 final count is well within what Fivethirtyeight and the Economist had predicted. They had also predicted the “red mirage” that would then turn more blue as the mail-in votes got counted. Suppose everything had been counted / transpired on election night and we got to the final count of 306 — that’s what they were predicting.

        • anonshmanon

          I mean, they predicted that Biden will win with a comfortable margin, and he has that margin both in the electoral college and in the popular vote. Fivethirtyeight also predicted the blue shifts and red shifts for states that counted mail in votes earlier/later.

          • LaurenB

            Exactly. It just feels worse because it was so drawn out over a week’s time. If election night had ended at 306, we’d all be saying “Nice job, Nate.”

  8. Anon

    Costco has a super fluffy robe from Carole Hochman that I got last year and love for those really cold mornings. They have it again this year, but in different colors. $16.

    • Anon

      +1 for this robe. I bought it two years ago and it wears like iron and is super warm. May buy another to have a different color.

  9. Anon

    Any other DINKs out there not gathering with family due to Covid? If so, what are your holiday plans? DH resents all holidays because family gatherings on his side are very high stress, and he would rather just skip. I am close with family on my side, and really sad about not being able to see them for months, particularly during the holidays. DH and I haven’t made any plans of our own for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or NYE. We are both working a ton, stressed out and sleep deprived, and I have a feeling we’ll just rest and get takeout.

    • Anonymous

      I feel like if there is a year that justifies boxes of takeout Chinese for a holiday meal, it is 2020.

    • Anonymous

      My husband’s family is not in the U.S. and he has seen them once in 15 years (long, sad immigration story). We are used to spending holidays with my family only, which we will not be doing this year due to COVID. However, we are both really looking forward to decorating for Christmas, watching holiday movies, hiking, doing some baking, and making good food. We’re not going all out on a Thanksgiving dinner, but will put in effort so it feels more special than a normal night. We’ve both found that if you put in the effort for the holiday cheer, it really helps a lot. We decorate our own place for Christmas every year even though we always spend Christmas Eve/Day with my parents and it’s just so nice and cozy.

    • Anon

      My husband and I live far away from our families so we’ve spent the holidays at home together before and it can be really fun. If you’re sad about missing your family, I suggest a combination of taking it easy to get some rest and destress and doing some special things to make sure you don’t feel like you missed out on the holidays. Takeout is fine, but if you like to cook, make one or two favorite dishes (if you don’t like to cook, just do fun take out). Just a few decorations can make it feel festive, without being too much work. Watch a couple favorite movies, listen to holiday music, go for a hike, whatever works for your area and preferences. Zoom with your family to check in at some point.

    • Sunshine

      My husband also hates holidays, and we will not be seeing either family this year. We are DINKs too. The plan is to get takeout and, depending on the weather, either do hobbies we enjoy inside or outside during the days. This is probably the holiday he dreams of, but I’m very disappointed not to be with my family.
      Sounds like you guys could enjoy sleeping in , not working, and getting takeout.

    • Anonymous

      we’re DINKs and have good relationships with DH’s family and my mom but are doing holidays ourselves as it’d require a flight to see either set of parents. i’m actually SO excited! our plans are to order take out (sushi, chinese, italian, pizza, and more sushi because i love it) for pre-during-and post- holiday meals. we have a list of movies we want to watch or re-watch (die hard 1,2,3 , netflix’s holidate which looks cheesy but i welcome it). we traditionally go on a thanksgiving day hike so we looked for new local trails to check out. we got a few board games (sushi go, sequence) that are good for 2 people. we did get everyone matching holiday pjs so we can feel like we’re celebrating apart but together. we already put up our holiday decorations and i feel like it can be really fun for the holidays even with just two. we are also both very overworked so i also look forward to catching up on sleep, making waffles for breakfast, napping during the day and generally being lazy.

    • anon

      Our plan is to order way too many sides from the Thanksgiving-To-Go menu at one of our favorite restaurant groups, and eat that with cheap beer while we knock out some bigger home projects over Thanksgiving.

    • KS IT Chick

      We have one parent left between us (my father, who is still farming at 79). We made the call that we can’t safely see him. I haven’t seen him since last December.

      We have ordered Thanksgiving dinner from a local grocery store, and we will do a video call sometime on the day. We are hoping to be able to do it with my dad, my mom’s sister & my brother’s family and do a toast.

      I haven’t decorated for Christmas in years, but we moved to a neighborhood where it’s A Thing. Since we have mature trees and actual landscaping that looks like a forest, I want to get wireframe lighted deer to put in so it looks like a nature scene. We are also discussing buying a silly outrageously colorful tree to put in our front room.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not married but when I was (no kids) my then-husband owned a shop so retail hours leading up to X-mas were crazy and I barely saw him. We didn’t go see family until the day after X-mas. One of my favorite memories is making a special breakfast and then spending all day in our pjs with a big roaring fire going watching movies (spaghetti westerns) and drinking yummy alcoholic drinks. We referred to it after as our “western X-mas” and it was one of my best holiday memories. So cozy and so relaxing!

      • Anon

        Also a good day to watch all of The Godfather movies, but you may find yourself pausing to get up and make some spaghetti. Ask me how I know.

    • Anon

      We aren’t gathering for Thanksgiving. Christmas is TBD. We considered getting Covid tests, quarantining, etc., but we’re also a 6 hour drive from either of our families and it’s exhausting in normal years to do Thanksgiving travel, and we’re already stressed and tired, so I’m looking forward to just having two days off work to do nothing. I will make my favorite side dish (sweet potato souffle), but other than that, probably just get premade stuff from Whole Foods or something. Figuring out what’s happening for Christmas is a whole other level of stress I’m not ready to deal with yet (we’ve skipped Thanksgivings before, but I’ve never not been home for Christmas. My mother is not going to take it well if I don’t come home. Thanksgiving we act as a unit, but for Christmas, husband and I usually split up and go to our respective parents’ houses).

    • Flats Only

      We are DINKS with similar family dynamics. We , and all our family members in their separate houses, are staying home and celebrating by individual household. We narrowed down the Thanksgiving foods DH likes to green beans and mashed potatoes. I am considering getting a chicken from the neighborhood Peruvian place, prefab Bob Evans mashed potatoes, steam in bag green beans, and calling it a day. Except for the lavish nut tart thing from the NYT that I will make for myself.

    • Anonymous

      We try to do one nice dinner a month and will be picking up from a local restaurant, setting the table with Mom’s silver, and dressing up a bit. We usually travel to or with family over Thanksgiving so all I have that is festive for this table is a pair of turkey candlesticks!

  10. Anon

    I gave the Land’s End terry spa robes as bridesmaid gifts over a decade ago, and my friends are still talking about them. Highly recommend, and the monogramming is sharp.

    • AIMS

      This is my favorite type of robe! And great year round straight out of the shower. I always get the Eileen West (or Carole Hochman?) waffle ones with some crazy flowers on them. Super long so very cozy and the flowers hide any coffee spills until I can launder.

  12. Barefoot Dreams v. Max & Mia

    I ended up purchasing the Barefoot Dreams CozyChic Lite Circle Cardigan from Nordstrom and the Max & Mia Travel Cardigan from CostCo at about the same time and thought it might be fun to compare them since they have the same basic design. So here goes. For reference, I’m 5’5”.

    Barefoot Dreams – I purchased an XS/S, which completely covers my butt and comes down to the bottom of my thighs in back. The sleeves, when fully extended, cover all of my hands except the last knuckles on my fingers. Material is 75% nylon and 25% rayon. The cardigan has large pockets, but because the cardigan doesn’t fasten and given the design, my chapstick and AirPods case easily fall out when sitting down. Price (on sale during NAS) was $68.90. I bought the carbon black/heather, which is basically dark gray.

    Max & Mia – I purchased a S, which completely covers my butt, but is a bit shorter than the Barefoot Dreams. The sleeves are also shorter. They cover my wrists and part of my hands, but don’t reach the fingers. It fits better than the Barefoot Dreams. Material is 75% nylon and 25% rayon. The pockets are the same as the Barefoot Dreams and have the same “stuff falling out” issue. Price was $26.99. I purchased the cardigan in red, and it is a deep autumnal red.

    Both sweaters were made in China and both are extremely soft. I have not noticed any difference in their warmth. Just for fun, I asked my spouse to feel both and tell me if he noticed any difference. Without knowing which was which, he thought the Barefoot Dreams cardigan was a tiny bit softer.

    Bottom line: I bought the Barefoot Dreams at the NAS before the Max & Mia became available. If I ever need to buy a sweater like this again (which will be a while since I now have two) I would be perfectly happy with the Max & Mia. But, I will be interested to see how they hold up over time.

    • Anon

      So glad you posted this, I was going to post a question soliciting this review. How does everyone wash their Max & Mia? I have been washing mine on in the regular cycle, but with cold water, and air drying. I’m nervous to put it in the dryer.

      • AnonATL

        I chuck mine in the wash and dryer with normal clothes. Seems fine so far, but I’ve only had it a few weeks.
        I bought the green version which is almost grey with a green tone. Super cozy and lovely. I’ll probably order the red at some point.

      • Anonymous

        I have many Barefoot Dreams items and while I was initially hesitant to dry them, I have now washed and dried them all on medium heat with no ill effects. I wouldn’t think Max & Mia would be different.

      • Anon

        My husband washed and dried mine by accident – I was planning to be more careful – and I can’t tell any difference from new

        I bought the Max and Mia in dark olive and the same autumnal red OP mentioned from Costco online. I’m not a Costco member and they let me order it.

      • Marie

        Another big thanks to whoever made the initial recc. I bought the autumnal red one online (love the color) and oddly, DH was on a Costco run and somehow noticed the same cardigan in black and returned home with it, so I now have 2. For laundering, I do washer dryer.

  13. Anon

    I have another UGG robe, the Blanche II, and it’s awesome. I endorse UGG bathrobes.

    Unrelated, but some conclusions I’ve drawn over the last 4 years are that enduring social/political change happens slowly, starting at the state and local level. There has been tons of talk about the reforms our government needs to undergo to preserve democracy and not destroy humanity (rebalance SCOTUS, abolish the electoral college etc), but not a ton of emphasis on the state and local level. Long story short, I can’t stop thinking about quitting my biglaw job and going all in on an effort to bring ranked choice voting to my city or state (both deeply blue). To me, this seems to be an urgent, existential need, and is the very first step to accomplishing the bigger goals listed above, and there is no movement behind it locally. Does this sound insane?

    • Anonymous

      Maybe — it has to start with the D and R primaries though. Primaries seem to generate the most strident and out-there candidates in many races (local ones here, not just the past two presidential elections).

    • politica

      I mean, I don’t think its insane, but I’m pretty political. And I 100000% think that these type of state and local decisions and elections make a huge difference. They either allow policies to pass that otherwise wouldn’t, or show that these structural changes work and can be implemented on a higher level, which then would allow more policies to pass.

  14. Fun Romance Novels

    Low stakes q- can anyone rec any good romance novels that are fairly interesting to read? Well written would be a bonus. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      The Idea of You. It’s thinly veiled smutty One Direction fanfic which sounds absolutely ridiculous but it’s very well written. It sort of ruined me to other romance books.

    • Anon

      Jenny Brown is a historian who puts a lot of thought into her romance novels. I think she only has three, but you may like them!

    • Carrots

      Jasmine Guillory is a great author and has 5 books out so far (with a note that she apparently submitted Book #6 to her publisher a few weeks ago – eeeeeh!)

    • Anonymous

      tessa dare – castles series is my favorite
      annika martin – billionaire boyfriend is cheesy but funny and great to binge
      rebekah weatherspoon – rafe the buff male nanny
      kresley cole IAD series (start with hunger like no other)

      • cbackson

        Rafe the Buff Male Nanny is so, so quality.

        Plus, you get to read a book called RAFE THE BUFF MALE NANNY and I just love how unabashed that title is.

    • Anon

      The Outlander series (though they are more historical novels than romances, after the first book).

    • cbackson

      Do you prefer historical? Contemporary? Something else?

      Some recs:

      Historical: Courtney Milan’s Brothers Sinister series. Good, smart, funny, well-written, and non-formulaic. I also recently read Evie Dunsmore’s Bringing Down the Duke and really enjoyed that as well.

      Contemporary: Alyssa Cole’s Reluctant Royals series. The second one, A Duke by Default, is my fave but they’re all good. The female friendships are awesome and so is the romance. I also really enjoy all of Julie James’ stuff, although a lot of the heroines are lawyers so if you are a lawyer it might not feel escapist.

      Urban Fantasy: Any Ilona Andrews, although I think her Hidden Legacy series (starting with Burn for Me) is the best.

    • Senior Attorney

      How about Stacey Abrams’s romance novels, written under the name Selena Montgomery?

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Check back later and I’ll post a bunch of ideas! On my phone now so I don’t want to type them all out.

    • Monte

      Rafe, all day every day.

      I also love everything by Talia Hibbert, especially Get a Clue, Dani Brown.

      The Right Swipe by Alisha Rai.

    • Worried

      I highly reccomend Marion Keyes – especially her last two books “The Break Up” and “Grown Ups.” Not necessarily classified as a romance novel, but I also enjoyed Sally Rooney’s novel “Normal People” and “Conversations with Friends”

    • anon

      Romance isn’t usually my genre, but in the past week of vacation read through all of the Julia Quinn Bridgerton novels. Shondaland is turning them into a period drama on Netflix starting in December and I wanted the background. While I disagree with the cover which states “Quinn is the next Jane Austen!” they were fun novels and I’m really looking forward to the show!

    • Anon

      Penny Reid’s Knitting in the City series and the related Winston Brothers series. Love them – great dialogue and character building, the women are smart and relatable.

    • anonypotamus

      With the disclaimer that they are written by my best friend’s sister-in-law, I really enjoy all of the ones by Julie Johnson, especially the Monday Girl (book 1 of a 2-book story). I find them very well written with interesting character development. Enjoy!

  15. Anon

    Here is my weird pet peeve: I hate robes. I hate the floppy sleeves dangling and how they always come untied. They drive me crazy and I never wear one. I’ve been given beautiful robes as gifts and they just gather dust. I live alone so I don’t have to worry about being modest. If I’m visiting family I’ll just put a sweatshirt over my pyjamas.

    • PolyD

      Nope, you’re not alone. I agree with you completely about the sleeves and coming untied. I mostly sit around mornings in stretchy pants and I have a lightweight zip up hoodie I wear.

      I do have a very, very warm, very, very ancient fleece robe from Old Navy that I wore when I lived in a super-drafty apartment (I now live in a much warmer apartment where heat is included in the rent). The sleeves and tie were annoying, but that thing was so warm. I still have it, although I’m not sure why, because I haven’t used it in years.

    • Friday

      I also hate robes and just realized after you posted that the floppy sleeves is half of it. The other half is that if I wanted errybody to get an eyeful of my sideboob I’d just wear DVF wrap dresses.

    • Anon

      I hate wearing robes around the house and prefer big soft cardigans (like the Max and Mia mentioned above) or a zip hoodie over my pjs if I’m lounging about.

      However, I do like a lighter weight robe for post shower, post towel, doing my hair / skincare/ makeup. For that I love the original Natori Shangri La robe. It’s a soft jersey knit, not bulky, and the sleeves are never in the way. I just bought one that basically matches my bathroom so it looks unobtrusive hanging on a hook in there, which is where it lives.

      • OP

        See, I’m a night showerer, so after I shower I just get into my pjs! I can see them being more useful for mornings.

        • Anon

          I wear mine post night shower too, because I like to be fully dry before I get into my Pjs. I slather a lot of lotion on and I like to give that time to sink in.

    • Anon

      Same, though I hate the sleeves less than the fact that they never seem to go up high enough on my chest to actually be warm. I have to wrap a robe super tight like a kimono before it’s successfully doing it’s job as clothing. And they always flop open at inopportune times.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Same here. I feel frumpy when wearing a robe, the sleeves and tie always seem to be dipping themselves in something messy or about to catch fire on the stove, and the neck doesn’t come up high enough to keep me warm. I prefer either a cocoon cardigan or a sweatshirt hoodie.

      • MagicUnicorn

        Or a blanket. If it is truly cold enough that I just want to hibernate, I will shamelessly wear a big fleece blanket while I shuffle around the house in my slippers and pjs.

    • Coach Laura

      I love my LLBean zip front polar fleece robe. Comes in petite so the sleeves aren’t too long and the length is right. (Also comes in plus.) The sleeves can be rolled up and it has pockets. Great for reading after dinner in the winter and easy to put on in the morning.

    • Anonymous

      I hate robes as a flat-chested person. Too much gapping in front. I have a very warm, very elderly (college?? likely) fleece robe from VS and ironed bits of velcro on each side to do the robe up higher. Still haven’t figured out what to do with the miles and miles of tie though.

  16. Anon

    I’m looking for a candle to use near my kitchen. I thought there used to be something called “the kitchen candle” at Williams sonoma but when I look there they just offer various scents they say are ok for the kitchen.

    Right now I’ve been burning a vanilla scented candle and it’s nice but not the right scent. It seems to compete and clash with actual kitchen scents. I guess I’m looking for something cleaner smelling.

    Budget is a consideration – not looking for Diptyque here.

  17. BelleRose

    Just catching up on previous threads, and noticed a lot of people mentioning tinted sunscreen in the makeup thread. Recs for super pale nonsunscreen-smelling tinted sunscreen???

    Also, sharing this COVID joke:
    Coronavirus explained in craft terms. You and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

    • Anonymous

      Tinted sunscreen is useless as sunscreen. In order for sunscreen to be effective, you need to put much more than that on.

      Bwahaha to the glitter analogy.

      • anon

        It’s useless if you would otherwise wear regular sunscreen, but it’s better than no sunscreen. I like Maybelline BB cream for everyday use, but switch to normal sunscreen if I’m going to spend any significant time outside.

        • LaurenB

          Doesn’t really matter since most of our faces are covered! I wonder if skin cancer on the face is going to go down because of mask-wearing.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve had a sunscreen fail where the spray I used on my body didn’t work and I got burned but my face with a foundation with SPF 30 (I think) did not burn … so it might be enough to do something though not ideal for a planned day at the beach or whatever.

    • Anonymous

      i like the kiehls tinted moisturizer with sunscreen – it is physical sunscreen i believe which i am trying to use more of compared to chemical sunscreens.

    • Friday

      OMG I legit snort laughed at that joke: thank you. I use EltaMD UV physical tinted sunscreen. I don’t think it smells. I used to get it from my derm but I ordered from Dermstore and it seems to be legit and is cheaper than from the derm. Amazon also has it but IMO a lot of their skincare items are fake. Just my opinion.

    • Anon

      Coola makes a great one. I’m very pale / like pink pale, most light foundations are visibly yellow on me / and the coola is a great shade.

      It’s called
      COOLA Face Mineral BB Cream Matte Tint Unscented Sunscreen

      For me it’s more of a regular spf lotion than a BB cream. I would layer dots of my cc cream over it for more coverage.

    • Ann

      I use tinted moisturizer every day (instead of foundation) that has 50 SPF in it. I love love love it. I used to wear foundation but hated the cake-y look, whereas when I wear this it looks like I have even skin-tone (I don’t..) but doesn’t look like I’m wearing make-up (I am..). Plus it lasts all day and has the sun protection.

      I’ve linked to the one I use now, which is IT Cosmetics’ “Your Skin but Better.” This is the one I have now and have used for a while, but I also experimented with a Laura Mercier one previously and that was pretty good too.
      https://www.sephora.com/product/your-skin-but-better-cc-cream-spf-50-P411885?icid2=products%20grid:p411885

  18. Not ready to go grey

    I know there have been discussions about going grey here before, I have a question about that. I started noticing greys around 5-6 years ago. I do color my hair to hide them. There were not many of them and I colored frequently enough that it wasn’t noticeable at my roots. But this year I seem to have gone over the hill with them, where they are almost all grey now. So I end up with very noticeable silver roots. I have dark hair so the contrast is obvious. I have always colored my own hair at home because dark coloring is really easy to do. Is it worth going to a salon to see what they can do to help me hide or blend my grey roots? I am not adverse to going. I do want to cover them and I don’t trust myself with bleach to try anything.

    • Senior Attorney

      I am at that stage, too, and I go to the salon every three weeks to keep the grays at bay. Definitely going lighter will make the roots less obvious, as will doing highlights, and a salon can help with that. My stylist, who colors her gray hair dark brown, says she does her color every two weeks to keep the grays at bay.

      • No Face

        This comment is exactly why I am going grey naturally. I’m way too lazy for that!

        • Anonymous

          Same here. I’m too lazy and I also don’t want to spend that kind of time (especially if it’s on a weekend). Too much other stuff to do, only 52 Saturdays a year to do it…

      • edj3

        I did the same for years (every three weeks). My original hair color was quite dark and I started going grey at 21. This summer, thanks to COVID boredom, I told my stylist I wanted a change and nothing was off the table.

        I now have short blonde hair and I cannot believe how much I love it. My brown eyes pop even more and what’s even better, I don’t care about my roots. 10/10 glad I gave her free reign :)

    • Anonymous

      My natural color is dark brown, but in my early 40s I’m nearly 100% gray. During the pandemic I’ve had good results with Madison Reed in a lighter shade than my natural color. I can go 4 weeks with the lighter color. With a color closer to my natural shade, I have to use a root touch-up kit at 2 weeks or color every 3 weeks. Madison Reed seems to have more dimension than drugstore box color.

      Strangely, I’ve noticed that Zoom tends to make the gray roots even more noticeable than they are in the mirror.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1 to zoom being a gray-magnifier! I’m 34 and my “sparkles” are popping.

    • Anon

      Go lighter. You don’t have dark hair. You have silver hair. You need to adjust your mindset. Yes, color them if you don’t want to see them, but don’t go for your old color. Go for something close to your new color like a light brown or dark blond. That way you won’t get the obvious skunk stripe of dark roots.

      I second the rec for Madison Reed. I think there really is something to their multidimensional color claims.

    • Anon

      I am lazy so I color every eight weeks and when grey gets noticeable, just use hair fibers or mascara the same color as my hair at the forehead line and along my part. With my hair down or in a ponytail, that’s the only places where gray hair can be seen. I don’t go for perfection just passing until the next appointment. This may not work if your hair grows super fast, but I’m usually only at a half inch to an inch after eight weeks.

      I’ve also seen people go with a lighter overall color and heavy crown highlights so the grays aren’t very noticeable growing in, this might work well if you’re mostly gray at this point. You can get highlight and root touch ups every few months after than.

    • Anonymous

      I hit that stage and the salon switched to color with a heavier deposit and told me to visit more often. I hated the result, and have been growing it out/chopping it off. My plan is post Covid to take my newly virgin hair in and do something much lighter.

    • Anon

      I’m dark brunette, about 30% gray, with it concentrated at my temples and forehead. I color to match my natural shade every three weeks, and even for a lazy bum like me, it isn’t a big hassle. Mix two bottles, toss it in, wait a half hour, wash as usual. Nothing to it.

      That said, I have tried salon color and found it to be a mixed bag. Better gray coverage without fading, but also a harsher less natural look. Going lighter helps once you break the 50% barrier, from what I’ve seen in my older family members.

      I’d try it once, at a salon you’ve seen good results from. It doesn’t have to be a permanent decision.

  19. Trixie

    I am hoping the hive can help–I want to order a few things from Garnet Hill, some pjs in particular, and I am just so offended by their shipping policies. I will not $12 to ship $79 pjs. does anyone have a code? I have looked on line, but no luck.

    So annoying!

    • Anonymous

      Do you subscribe to their e-mails? There’s a 25% off plus free shipping promotion going on right now. It’s an e-mail click-through, so unfortunately I can’t post the code. Also check their FB–they frequently post codes there.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Their shipping policy is the reason I don’t buy all the things from Garnet Hill. Get with the times, Garnet Hill.

  20. Anonymous

    weird question: does anyone have any good turkey LEG recipes? i used to get one from a deli when i was doing low carb and enjoyed feeling like hagaar the barbarian; i’m thinking that might be my thanksgiving for one dish

  21. Anon

    Anyone else watching Queen’s Gambit?

    I’m a few episodes in and I was like, hey is that the kid from Love Actually? And it is.

    So if anyone wants to see that cute little boy all grown up, watch Queen’s Gambit. But stay for the great show. It’s really so well done

    Ps I don’t love Love Actually, actually. But I always thought that kid was pretty cute with his big brown eyes.

    • Maudie Atkinson

      I LOVED it. And I loved the clothes almost as much as I loved the story.

    • Anonymous

      Watching it with my husband and we’re really enjoying it. The 60s fashions are fun. And thank you. You saved me from looking that guy up on imdb.

    • Anon

      Half way through and loving it. That kid was also in Game of Thrones and another Netflix miniseries from the same writer/director that I’d also recommend, Godless (it’s a western and completely different from Queen’s Gambit, but also great).

    • HW

      Queen’s Gambit is great. I was so focused on Dudley from Harry Potter that I didn’t recognize the kid from Love Actually!

      • NY CPA

        And AGAIN my mind is blown! Why didn’t I see all these actors from my favorite movies? Wow.

        • Anon

          Same! I didn’t realize either of those two until I was reading about the show afterwards.

    • Anonie

      I watched a couple episodes maybe 2 weeks ago and really liked it. The first 2 episodes felt a teeny bit creepy and I can only tolerate getting creeped out by shows when fiance is close by haha. I can watch some tonight while he plays video games :) Thanks for the reminder!

    • NY CPA

      I loved it. I really don’t recommend starting it at 7PM though if you’re prone to binge watching–I got completely hooked and watched it straight through. It was a long night!

      Also, my mind is COMPLETELY blown that the guy was the kid from Love Actually. I couldn’t put my finger on why he looked vaguely familiar and now I can’t unsee it.

    • Anon

      I loved that show so much! I do wish the final episode had been less chess-centric. I thought the whole series was good but the parts that really stood out to me were the parts about Beth’s life, not necessarily just the chess games. I also adore all the clothes she wore and I wish I had a wardrobe like that.

    • Anonymous

      I loved it – I loved the fashion, the story and the writing. I loved that it was very nuanced – there was some sexism but it wasn’t written like “men evil!”. Her adopted mother was so well written – and the main actress was so striking I could not keep my eyes off her

  22. Dry Shampoo spray

    Any excellent dry shampoo sprays for humans with black hair? I have tried a few and they seem to cast a white powder.
    Thanks!

    • Tea/Coffee

      I use Not Your Mothers on my dark (asian) hair and do not have white powder issues!

    • Sunshine71

      Try Batiste, they have tinted dry shampoo. I use the Dark & Deep on my dark brown hair.

  23. Anonymous

    I need some advice. I am struggling hard. I have bipolar disorder that has been well controlled for a long time. I work in sales and was laid off in July. I took a big risk and joined a zygote of a startup… then the founder turned around and moved out of the country. I felt really shocked and sad when he did, because he missed some important meetings. Technically I still work there but it is pretty dead in the water. It is just me and him and he is barely working (I am commish only – yes, I know, I’m an idiot).

    I started applying to jobs last month and have landed some decent interviews. However… my mental health is starting to get really tough. My husband and I are high risk for covid and have been quarantining since February. I am tired. I am lonely. I cry a lot. We adjust my medication periodically but I am so sad. I don’t think I’m a suicide risk but some days I am just a disaster. I feel so stupid for joining this startup. I feel too stupid to do a different job.

    We’re in a financial place where I can take as much time as I want to get a job. But I am bored. I am lonely. I am sad. I am purposeless. I don’t know if getting a job helps that or just makes me feel like more of a failure, since sales means a lot of rejection. I also feel like a giant fraud because my resume hides the times in my twenties when I was too ill to work so I went to grad school instead. Anyone want to weigh in on if I should get a job? I just got an interview at a great company this morning and I have a friend waiting to refer me in to another company as soon as I send my cover letter.

    • Anon

      I can feel your sadness coming through your post. This internet stranger wishes I could give you a hug right now. I am so sorry. You are not stupid for taking a chance on something that must have sounded like such a great opportunity at the time. You are brave for making that leap, whether it has worked out or not.

      I think you should get a job, but I also think you should do something besides sales. What about using your sales experience and skills in something like a development job with a nonprofit you feel passionately about?

    • Anonymous

      You are not an idiot! Plenty of people join zygotes (ten points for vocab word btw) of start ups and it works out! Lots more, many of them my friends, get fkd over in the process. I think you gotta pick yourself back up and try again. This year has been so hard. You are smart, and capable. I’m sorry you’re sad. I wish I had more solutions for you but I just wanted to post that you matter and don’t give up. YOU MATTER. What do you WANT to do? Sit by the pool and sip mai tais? Do youtube yoga 2 hours per day? Drink coffee until you’re so buzzed you do all the yard work? Or do you want to find a different job? One that values you? Could you foster animals? I think your interview and referral show that companies think you have value. I’d keep pursuing that. End of ramble. You matter. Can you find some tiny little thing to do this weekend that makes you feel better? For me it’s a nice long scalding hot bath. With bubbles.

    • anonymous

      I don’t have practical suggestions. But I can say from what you wrote here, you are the opposite of failure. You persevered through a medical challenge, have a resume with achievements attractive to employers, and write a moving of your circumstances. This stranger is impressed by the strength you demonstrate and wishes you the best.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You are not a failure, you are not an idiot, and you are not a fraud.
      In your shoes, I’d go ahead and quit the startup job. I think you should get another job, but I agree with Anon that you should get out of sales. Development, internal recruitment, project management are all options that could make good use of your skills. Hang in there – I hope you feel better soon.

    • anonyK

      Are you in therapy in addition to getting medication management? I think it would really help you right now. There are virtual options, you don’t have to go in person. Medication is important but it is only one piece of the puzzle, especially when you have a lot of stress like you have right now.

      Secondly, yes look for a new job if one of the opportunities appeals to you. You need a purpose, ideally several. Finding/starting a job can be one. What are others? Find a cause you care about, get a dog, use your extra time to learn a language, start/meet new exercise goals, be the best friend/daughter/wife you can be by doing nice things for other people, whatever it is. Maybe setting concrete goals will help- I will walk x miles/week, call my parents/siblings/friends x times/week. I think feeling like you have no purpose is extremely difficult, even if you aren’t otherwise struggling with mental health issues. It’s one reason unemployment can be so hard and why some people flounder in retirement. There’s also a ton of self-blame in your post. I can tell you to stop blaming yourself for past choices (you did the best you could at the time! even if you didn’t, it’s over, gone, not coming back. Onward!) but I think this is something that you probably need to work through with a therapist more intensively than just a stranger on the internet. Good luck!

    • Anon

      This post radiates with self loathing and expresses so well how I have felt 9/10 days since the pandemic started, and though less often, before the pandemic started. Are you in therapy? If not, I would suggest taking some time, like months if you can, and explore why your feelings of self-worth seem to be completely based on career achievements. Excuse me if I’m projecting, that’s the advice I would give myself and what I would do if I was financially able. Maybe you’ll find you don’t even like your chosen career path and want to try something different? Regardless, you have value. You have worth. You deserve to be loved, especially by you. Your sacrifices to the altar of Capitalism do not define you.

    • Anonymous

      I guess my question is what are your alternatives to getting a new job? Would you enjoy some time off or do you want to focus on your health for awhile? Sure, do that. Would you like to regroup & choose a new path (others are recommending you leave sales)? That also sounds like a good idea. Do you want to follow the employment leads you have in the works to find out if you’d be happy there (and maybe push your start date out slightly so you have a nice break to let go of the past with no worries about what’s next)?

      What do you think your best options are … if you’re more specific maybe people can help you weigh them. Your post is mostly about your disappointment with the startup, but your question is do I get a job … so not sure how to answer that based on the info provided.

    • Flats Only

      Don’t worry about the startup. Just ignore it. The owner abandoned you, so no worries if you abandon him. You don’t even need to put it on your resume – a 4 month gap in 2020 isn’t going to raise any eyebrows in the future. Look for a new job. I lost my job at the end of April due to the pandemic, and started a new one in July. I didn’t feel depressed while I was between jobs, but once I started the new one the structure and virtual interaction with people was really invigorating. You may find the same thing. Hang in there. And go outside in the sunshine (masked, distanced, hazmat suit, whatever it takes to feel safe) for a little exercise here and there. It’s what’s kept me going.

    • Anonymous

      OP here. I cried and cried yesterday reading everyone’s responses, thank you so much for helping me process my feelings. I raised one of my medications (with my doctor’s blessing) and am much better today. I have a therapist but I think I need more support and am going to find a support group. I am pretty sensitive and it hurts me every day that so many people have died of covid. My dad lost someone very important to him, so it feels personal.

      I worked really hard to get where I am and am on the cusp of getting to the job I’ve been chasing (closing role in software sales – unbelievably hard for a woman of color like me to get, especially with the kind of disability I have). I love sales and oddly, buyers really like me. I think they can sense that I am always on their side from an ethical standpoint and that we’re in it together, I’m not trying to conquer them to make a sale. My buyers are never the problem, it’s always the companies I work for.

      That being said, you’re all correct that sales is very hard and there will always be rejection. I need to pick the right company this time. I seem to be blaming myself for shitty luck this year. I’m a make your own luck kind of person and I think that makes it hard to admit when something outside my control messes me up.

      Thank you for the support and advice, it helps more than you know. The good news is I have several degrees in psychology and now that I’ve cried it all out and raised the meds, I’m going to dust myself off, get more support and figure it out.

      • Anon4This

        Coming late to this, but your post affected me, so I wanted to comment in case you come back to this. I just want to say that you’re not alone, it can get better, it’s okay to make career mistakes – even dumb ones, and you’re not responsible for making all your own luck. Sometimes I think of luck like you’re dribbling a basketball. If the situation’s not right – say, you’re on sand instead of a court – it’s not going to work even if you do everything right.
        I have been through extended rough times like this professionally, and also made stupid decisions (like, strategically just the worst choice at that moment for my career, leading to struggling to find my next role).
        This type of thing has happened a couple times over my working life.
        At one point I disliked my job – and really work in general – so much that I used to wish every morning that I could just get laid off. That turned out to be self-fulfilling, and instead of finding another job I just spent some time travelling. I then found an extremely cheap living situation, partially lived off savings and got a part-time (10 hours a week) shopkeeper job for grocery money, and just spent a lot of time by myself outdoors hiking and boating. That entire year+ was a “zero” professionally-speaking, and drained some savings, but it helped me recover from all the stress, as well as separating me from the social demands that contributed to my general burnout.
        Since then, I’ve pivoted into a new industry and have really enjoyed my career trajectory here over the last few years.
        Just saying, even if you made a couple bad calls, you can still be fine. Even if there are missteps and gaps and you somehow manage to cover some of them – you don’t need to feel like a fraud for it – just keep in mind that many people who look like that have it all together didn’t always have it together, and that they have probably found ways, like you have, to patch up their resumes and LinkedIn to appear more “stable” than they are.

    • Anonymous

      Could I add a thought? You seem to blaming yourself a bit for the start up not being what you expected. Don’t. Most start ups don’t get the requisite velocity to really launch, and those that do often morph along the way or shuffle personnel. So don’t blame yourself for this one not going anywhere, and in the interviews tell your story without embarrassment.

  24. Sloan Sabbith

    I wanted a robe that was pretty much a wrap earlier this year and ended up with the Sleepyheads Women’s Fleece Long Sleeve Wrap Robe with Pockets. It’s super cozy, warm, roomy, and the pockets are the patch style so nothing falls out. For $35, totally recommend.

  25. Anonymous

    Ugh, decided to treat myself to a BLT for lunch and it arrived with no bacon. F*ck 2020 lol.

    • Anan

      That sucks buckets. This kind of thing would make me so rage filled. I mean I could probably get over it, but it would be rough.

      • Anonymous

        That sucks buckets. This kind of thing would make me so rage filled. I mean I could probably get over it, but it would be rough.

    • Anon

      Fuck those people!

      Maybe your delivery person ate it? I mean, I find the smell of bacon pretty irresistible…

    • Senior Attorney

      OMG I can’t think of anything worse on a cold day (which it is here) than a sad _LT for lunch. Commiseration.

    • anon

      This is the laugh I needed today, so thank you for posting. That is the absolute worst — the whole point of the L and T is to make us feel better about eating the B! I hope the rest of the weekend goes better!!

    • Marie

      Ughhh leave off the L or the T, hell, even forget the bread before you leave off the bacon! That is such a 2020 thing to happen. I’m sorry.

  26. Anonie

    Inspired by the question about The Queen’s Gambit, I need to ask: is anyone watching The Undoing? SO good and suspenseful. I am already antsy for Sunday’s episode.

    To the poster with the curly-headed niece, show her Nicole Kidman’s curls in this (admittedly non kid-appropriate) show…I never seen her look so stunning!

    • Anon

      I haven’t seen it but will check it out. Based on earlier threads I’ve been bingeing Married at first sight, which is ok for what it is, but I need a little brain food now.

      • Anonymous

        Honestly, Nicole Kidman’s hair in Dead Calm hadn’t had 20+ years of overprocessing done to it and looks beyond amazing. May be too scary for your niece, but you can’t beat her hair in that (it may be similar to her Days of Thunder hair or her Far and Away Hair, but I only watch movies like Dead Calm (which features Sam Neil and the smarmy fiance from Titanic).).

      • Anonymous

        I can’t wait for the new MAFS in January … yay … but I am watching The Queen’s Gambit in the meantime.

  27. Anything with chocolate

    Anyone have an Avocado mattress? Debating between Casper original hybrid (tried in store Before Times and liked ) versus Avocado, which is highly rated on consumer reports but we cannot try live.

    • Monte

      Yes, I have one, though I tested the Casper ages ago and don’t remember enough to compare them. Any particular questions?

      FWIW, the Avocado is very comfortable, though not as firm as I was hoping — I like a super super firm bed, though, so I might be a tough judge.

      • Anything with chocolate

        Thanks! We are looking for firm. Based on your experience and online reviewss, sounds like lots of people felt it was not as firm as they would like.

  28. Anon

    I love my HOKA shoes. They are so roomy and high off the ground, I’ve successfully used them in cold and damp fall weather to keep warm and still be super comfy. But realistically, they are not waterproof at all and I need better rain game. I know I’m not the only one here who loves HOKAs – are there waterproof shoes with a similar fit? (For those who haven’t tried, they have a super padded heel cup with wide toe box and extremely shaped footbed – fantastic for high arched duck feet.)

    • Anonymous

      I have duck feet, and like Aquitalia for waterproof shoes. I have an insole I add for arch support.

    • Anon

      HOKA makes waterproof shoes and boots! Call them, tell them what you have and love and what needs you are trying to meet, and let them suggest the best product.

  29. Anon

    Anyone buying photo stuff for Christmas? I got a Shutterfly code in a Macy’s order. First come, first served.

    Enter code by December 15th for 50% off one regular-priced item. Not valid on TinyPrints, prepaid annual savings plans, yearbooks, gift certs, etc.

    MY39-6382-ZUEZ-8G39ZW

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