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Updated: Mar 28, 2021 200 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I'm not usually a matchy-matchy pajamas kind of person (more of an “old T-shirt but nice PJ pants” kind of person since kids, tbh), but Nordstrom has a ton of cute ones in the Spring Sale that just started — great timing as everyone is getting ready for visits from families and friends.

These PJs may be a bit on the skimpy side for a visit from the inlaws, but they're calling my name anyway. I like that they're simple yet feel put together and just the sliiiightest bit fancy with the lace detail on the shorts. So cute!

They're $29–$39 for the set at Nordstrom; they have a ton of colors. (Other PJ brands to check out in the sale include Flora Nikrooz, Honeydew, and Splendid.)

Other major brands and categories to check out in the sale: big beauty sales, tons of UGG, and more! Some great workwear sales on Boss, Rebecca Taylor, Reiss, Theory, and L'Agence if you're building your work wardrobe also. The Nordstrom sale includes some nice Boden tops and sweaters; also check out the Boden sale going on right now.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    On the EV/gas chat earlier today, it seemed to be an either/or proposition. What about a gas/electric hybrid? It lets you go to somewhere rural or without an easy way to charge (and unless you own a private house with a driveway or garage and build yourself a charging station, I don’t feel that charging is easy if you have to drive your car daily). You an always get gas, but often it is not frequent if you are an urban driver with a lot of stop/start driving and braking. I am not understanding the move to all-electric (that could be better in the future, but range issues would take it off the table for me) and people not doubling down on something that works a lot better today.

    • Anonymous

      Charging stations are expanding at breakneck pace and technology is improving ALL the time. We should 100% be going all-in on electric, especially since the vast majority of the average users’ car trips are within a short distance from home.

      • Anon

        I just think: what about the ones that aren’t? If I had to rent a car 10% of the time, that would be disruptive.
        Most people don’t keep two cars if they really only need one. I am mainly a city driver, but not always, and that would be OK with a hybrid, but I feel that with kids, work, work garage (we have stations, but you can’t sit in it all day, the users are rotating cars and hoping the first user moves the car on time, sort of like basement laundry where you can never get a dryer; it’s almost like they need a valet to manage the charging slots). Also, at home I park on the street. A neighbor with an electric car and a driveway built a charging port. Another runs an extension cord out to the car (but is on a block where he can always park somewhat close to his house). I live on a block where one family has 5 cars and usually am on the struggle bus to park close.

        I live where it doesn’t get cold often, but I’ve been outside a ton this year and my phone battery goes to hell when it is cold outside. I am guessing electric car batteries have this issue, hopefully not on a big scale. But my SIL in the great lakes area has to bring her gas car’s battery inside sometimes in the winter.

        • Lyssa

          I know absolutely nothing about the tech, so maybe this is a terrible idea, but I’ve always wondered why they couldn’t make some sort of easily replaceable battery, so you could just pop the dead one out and replace it with a recharged one. I’m thinking of the propane tanks you get for grills – you use it up, bring it back to the convenience store, and trade it for a full one, and the store refills the old tank for the next person to do the same. Would it not be possible to standardize them enough and make them removable enough so that could be done?

          • Anon

            I am thinking that the giant powerbank I got from my phone is heavy AF, so for a car battery, maybe it would be >100 pounds, so not easy to lift out and re-plug in? BUT why not build in two batteries as an upgrade, so you can switch on the back-up. I am with you on propane. Having two tanks has been life-changing for the better this year.

          • Anon

            They weight a LOT. An electric car is, essentially, a sexy forklift with fancy safety tech. Replacing those batteries in a forklift, where they’re accessible, is the job of a trained tech with hoisting equipment. In cars, they’re not meant to be accessible to the owner and they certainly aren’t liftable without a hoist. Additionally, if they were even remotely accessible by laypeople, you bet your ass they’d be getting stolen left, right and center. Even my Prius battery is a PITA to remove. True electric cars have bigger, heavier, even less accessible batteries.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not disruptive at all. Hubs and I occasionally need to rent a car because ours can’t go far enough, it takes us maaaaybe 15 minutes to arrange and costs $40 for the day. It’s really NBD and we’ve only had to rent about 5 times in the past year and a bit. I also live north of the great lakes (very north actually) and the cold is not a concern.

          • Anon

            I’m glad it’s not disruptive to you. I had my car in the shop recently and had to rent a car and it was a PITA. I wouldn’t want to do this on the regular — even adding another driver was such a pain that I was the only person allowed to drive it.

          • Anonymous

            We get it any inconvenience to be a better person is just too much and you won’t do it

          • LaurenB

            Thank you for your perfection in all things, Anonymous at 5:26 pm. (Can’t you people just use some handles already?)

          • Anon

            I think people dislike the risk of routine inconvenience, especially after this year. A car can randomly break down. But freakish traffic jams requiring detours or extended idling shouldn’t mean your car is regularly at risk of running out of juice. If I just had a mile to go the store and WFH, that would be fine (but I’d walk then, not drive).

          • Anonymous

            Like the NOLA folks below, I am worried about being able to get out of town in an emergency. It’s not just an inconvenience to have to rent a car when a hurricane is bearing down. It is likely to be impossible. Hybrid FTW, at least for the next couple of decades.

        • Anonymous

          You won’t need to rent a car for road trips. There are new Tesla-style rapid charging stations going in ALL over the country. There will be very few places left that are truly “out of range.”

          • AZCPA

            Also, it takes a while to charge a car, even on these extra fast stations. I can get gas in 5 minutes, waiting for over an hour to charge is a significant hurdle.

        • Anon

          I’ve owned an electric car for four years and have had to rent a car due to range issues exactly 0 times. I haven’t had a problem finding rapid charging along the way, or somewhere to charge when staying in more rural areas. Admittedly, I live in an area where electric cars are popular.

          I flew into Minnesota at Christmas one year and rented an electric car to drive to visit family a few hours from the cities. No problem finding charging along the way or charging at destination. The cold diminished battery life a bit, but not enough to be a problem.

      • Anon

        I think that is why you go all in on hybrids: people will use the recharging part of them all the time and having gas a fallback will remove a big sticking point for people in most of the U.S. I use my car to flee my city, not to be tied to it.

    • No Face

      I like hybrids and think they are a good option for many buyers. I was looking for a used minivan though, and the used hybrid minivan is very, very tiny so I bought a gas powered one. (The Chrysler Pacifica has a hybrid). When I buy my next car, I will no longer need to install multiple car seats and there will be way more choices for all electric. I’d like to have solar panels too. The lifestyle of generating my own power and never needing to stop at a gas station is very appealing. I am not traveling into remote place often though.

      • Anon

        Honda needs a minivan with AWD/4WD. I feel like I love the Odyssey but I need something I can take camping with a bit higher clearance and not get stuck in bad weather / mud. But I am not loving the Pilot. Hybrid would be great around town, but I don’t want to get stuck on our monthly camping trip. And no purely EV seems to haul enough gear.

        • Anon

          The Chevy AstroVans were the perfect vehicle for this – a minivan on a truck chassis. They were rear wheel drive but very, very able. The Mercedes Metris is a worthy successor.

    • anonshmanon

      I can say again what I said in the other thread: the recommendation from those that have calculated what would need to happen to reach emission goals is not all or nothing. There is definitely a place for hybrids, but assuming that the electricity grid will continue to move towards an increasing share of renewables, an all-electric car will always beat a hybrid in emissions. The goal from one recent study is to reach 50% of new car sales to be zero emission by 2030. The other 50% of car sales are assumed to still be gas powered or hybrids, and of course, nobody buys a new car annually. This would mean that in 10 years from now, less than 10% of all vehicles on the road would be electric, so you see that it’s not really that extreme of a proposition.

      • Anon

        How will this work in CA, where there are already rolling blackouts? I feel like the grid in the state most likely to have EVs successful in the cities is also the least able to handle a greater load. It’s almost like if you park on the street or a driveway, a solar car would be more appealing to me (or a solar-powered EV charger at private houses).

        Also, randomly, can AAA jump an all-electric car? Or is there something special you have to do if it runs out of juice (and not in my city, which is fairly large, but 2 hours away where something always happens like a nail in the tire or something not shutting down so the battery gets drained). I have heard that the 0-60 in an electric car is insane b/c there are no gears.

        FINALLY: is there stick in electric cars (or no b/c no gears)? I have a teen to do practice driving with this summer and really want them to learn on stick b/c I feel like you cannot multitask when driving stick and focusing on driving would be good. Not looking for another car yet (and not at new EV prices), but freeing up from mommy from being the kid driver will be such a family win that by Christmas we should have acquired an additional vehicle (current contender: Honda Civic Sport, which comes in stick).

        • anonshmanon

          I still don’t feel like I have a good understanding of the cause of these blackouts. Several experts said that demand is actually not that high. I do dream of the fancy Tesla solar panel/house battery/electric car package, just because it is such a nice self-sufficient solution. Alas, I don’t think it will be affordable for me any time soon. There is actually a lot of research how electric vehicles could help balance out the instability of renewable energy sources, because 10 million car batteries could act like a giant buffer. This could be achieved entirely by smart tech, i.e. no added effort by the consumer. Something like you come home after work, plug in your car, but the smart charger is told via WiFi that it’s currently peak demand time for electricity, so it only charges to 80% full and waits until later to charge fully.

          I would assume since jumping a car essentially involves sharing some charge between an empty car battery and a well-charged one (i.e. the jumping has nothing to do with the gas tank, purely with the battery), it should work fundamentally the same with an electric car.

          Personally, I drove stick shifts for about 10 years before moving to the US and I think that outside of maybe very specific driving conditions that require this degree of micromanaging, an automatic shift will always be my preferred choice. On less thing for the driver to focus on. From Germany, where being able to drive stick shift is a weird point of pride still, I can tell you that it does not stop people from texting or doing other reckless stuff behind the wheel.

          • Anon

            That is funny — I felt like I was in rush hour traffic so much that even drinking in the car was tricky. First, second, stop, neutral. I learned in the summer in a car with black plastic seats and no A/C, so, yes, point of pride.

          • Nesprin

            The blackouts in CA occur in neighborhoods with above ground power lines on days when dry weather+ high wind conspire with air conditioning induced electricity demand. That PG&E has bought me the fancy tesla batteries is an admission that they don’t think they can keep power on in our neighborhood.

        • Anonymous

          The concept is to add a battery to your solar set up, so you can continue to power your house during a blackout. If enough people can be off the grid entirely during peak stress on the system, that should reduce heat related brown outs and black outs. It will also help during fire related power outages.

        • Trixie

          I do not think a stick pulls anyone away from technology–you need to let this go. Sticks are fun to drive, and my experience when my then teenagers were learning to drive was that it was easier and safer for them to learn to drive in our automatic, and then drive the stick when driving was mastered.

    • SC

      I am a lot of years and a lot of technology away from giving up on having at least one gas powered car or hybrid. I live in New Orleans. We had 6 hurricanes hit the state last year. With global warming, that’s likely to get worse. If there’s a mandatory evacuation, that means thousands of people all get on the interstate and sit in bumper to bumper traffic, possibly without power. I highly doubt charging stations would be available for that volume of people, if gas stations even had electricity. (We actually fill up extra tanks of gas if a bad storm is coming our way.) I also don’t trust our power supplier to make sure electricity was available for an evacuation–we had rolling blackouts for the February storm that hit Texas so hard even though we weren’t affected by the weather.

      • Anon

        Same, I’m in New Orleans as well and I will be one of the last adopters of an electric car.

          • anon

            No but I also can’t imagine living in a place that requires such frequent evacuations.

          • SC

            I’ve lived in Nola for the past 10 years, plus 2 years in the late 00s, and have never evacuated. Actual mandatory evacuations are very rare, but you have to be prepared every summer/fall. To me, that means a good car, extra cans for gas, cash, a road atlas, am emergency kit, having important paperwork organized, and having a rough idea of what we pack and where it is.

    • LaurenB

      We have two Priuses and my son also has a Prius. I could not be happier with them and until electric is fully ready for prime time, I will keep buying Priuses. I never did and never would buy a minivan or a SUV; I just find them excessive and gas-guzzling.

      • Anon

        I feel like Prius / hybrid is the way to go. So much less to go wrong with them. An EV could have worked for me for 75% of my 20s (except: rural family to visit from city job), but it would only meet some of my needs today. I need a car that meets all of my today needs today; not off in the future when the technology is better and there are more charging stations.

    • Minnie Beebe

      Just wanted to point out that there are two different types of hybrid vehicles– Hybrid and Plug-In Hybrid. Standard Hybrids (like the Prius, and many other hybrids which have been sold for many years) are always in hybrid mode.

      I’m sort-of in the market for a new (second) family car, and looking specifically at PLUG-IN Hybrids. These have a pure electric mode with low (<20 mi) range for short trips around town, which is the majority of my trips TBH. If all of your trips are short, and you keep the motor charged, you'll never burn any gas. But unlike a pure electric vehicle, the plug-in hybrid can transition to combustible fuel mode for longer trips (which occur a few times/year, enough that I don't personally want to go through the hassle of renting), which seems like a very workable compromise until pure electric vehicle ranges increase.

      • Anon

        I’m with you, except that during summer camp season, I easily drive > 20 miles per day, ditto any day a kid has an orthodontist-dentist-OT appointment. So, Team Prius. It’s a good team — I hope it this technology doesn’t get abandoned because it is the only way I will own anything but a 100% gas car.

        I feel like the EV people need to live in a purple (not even a red state) state big-city suburb with kids and a commuting parent and just a few activities through the week and a grocery run and grandparents living further out and embed with a family for a week to see if their vehicles will work for a good chunk of the US population. I just think I’d be out of juice by the side of the road periodically with no real viable rescue option (do they tow you to a place with a charger?). And with traffic, it’s more how long will the car stay on vs how many miles. You never worry about that in a Prius.

      • AZCPA

        I love my plug in Prius. I actually get about 35 electric miles to a charge, which on a typical day is plenty. And when I need to go farther (or forget to charge) it switches seamlessly to a very efficient gas engine. Feels very much the best of both worlds.

    • shanananana

      Yeah have been eyeing fully electric for a while, but since I refuse to buy Tesla (supplied employees to their production lines and will never give them money after doing so), have a requirement for 4 wheel drive because of where I live, and a twice a month 250 mile one way drive I have yet to find a fully electric that fits the bill. 250 is on the edge of what any of them claim for range, and all it would take is one road construction or accident delay and I am stuck with another delay to charge. If I wasn’t single and was in a 2 car family, one would definitely be electric though and overall that’s the trend I see in friends who have made the switch,.

  2. Anonymous

    The article in the morning thread about Askers versus Guessers was really interesting. Is there anything written about the gender component of this? I’m definitely an asker, and anecdotally, a lot of people seem pretty put off by women askers. Even if they themselves are askers. Curious if anyone else has thought or read about this. This made me think of the book How To Be Successful Without Hurting Men’s Feelings, which is hilarious.

    • anon

      There’s certainly a gender component to women being treated differently when being assertive. But in my (also anecdotal) experience, I think the Asker vs. Guesser thing is driven primarily by regional differences. I’m from the PNW, we are guessers, so when I moved to a different region I was initially surprised by people being “rude.” They weren’t rude, they were askers, and they were just speaking more directly about things I would have bent over backwards to beat around the bush about. And now that I’ve experienced asker culture, I don’t think I’ll go back to being a guesser communicator, even though I’m back living in Seattle. (But we have so many transplants now, perhaps the guesser culture has or will become watered down.) It’s easier to just use your words and “no” is a great thing to be able to say without a huge amount of baggage attached!

    • EM84

      Culturally, I was raised a Guesser, but my work life turned me into a successful Asker (i.e. people don’t label me as rude just because I ask). I think what helps is to create an atmosphere/understanding in people that it is ok to say no. For example, my team knows they can always say no to last minute assignments or extra projects – they have seen me doing this multiple times with my boss without any negative consequences. If I see that someone is agreeing just to please me or I see some discomfort, I call it out “hey, colleague X, I see you are not convinced/you are swamped with other work,I will find a different route and keep you posted. Are you ok with that?”.

      • Anonymous

        I find your comment really interesting. I would actually say that you are still a Guesser, but that you are direct, transparent and aware of other people at work. :) So that your success with Asker behaviour actually comes from your Guesser awareness.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, my mom was problematic on many levels but one thing she did well was teach me to be a polite Asker: “Hey, I’d like to be able to ask if I need something, but with the understanding that it is always okay for you to say ‘no,’ really and truly. Does that work for you?”

        I feel like you have to be a pretty hard-core Guesser to find that rude or pushy.

    • Teacher Lady

      I was raised in a family of guessers, but apparently have become an asker.

      For my upcoming wedding, I wanted to know if we could have engagement photos taken at a place where my mother had done interior design work. When I asked her if she would ask the innkeeper if we could use their space, my mom said that she didn’t like asking for things. My response was that it didn’t hurt to ask and all they had to say was no if it didn’t work. In the end, she asked and they said yes.

      What, to me, is so interesting is that I wouldn’t be offended by a no – but the pressure noted in the article made me think a little bit more about the politics/power dynamics between asking and guessing.

      • Kat in VA

        Giant rant here, just ignore me if you’re not in the mood for a ramble. Obligatory: I love my husband yadda yadda – the MetaFilter comment on Ask vs Guess opened SO MANY doors of understanding on how things get jammed up in our communication.

        I’m a straightforward Asker who’s been married to an extreme Guesser for over 30 years. A favorite phrase of mine to him is, “The answer to every question you don’t ask is No.”

        His family is extreme in that they think it’s RUDE to straight out ask for something. Punishment for forcing someone to straight up SAY what they want varied from being yelled out to being iced out, so I can see where the behavior was inculcated early.

        Example: He’ll hint around about things instead of just saying, “Hey, can you make me something to eat / grab me a drink while you’re downstairs / wash my back for me?” I’m supposed to infer that he wants those things by the hints he drops. (“I’m feeling shaky, I haven’t eaten in hours” or “Damn, I’m thirsty” or “My back feels super itchy, I’m going to take a shower”) Then he’ll be mildly annoyed that I didn’t offer to do those things because “I said I was shaky / thirsty / itchy back.” Cool, you stated those things. Where is The Ask for me?

        We’ll be watching a show and an older actor appears on the screen. He’ll idly wonder out loud if that actor has been in anything recently. A moment or two will go by, and then he’ll say something like, “Well? Has he?”, which always startles me because apparently him stating a comment to the air in the room means that it’s understood by both of us that I am now required to pick up my phone or laptop, look up the actor, and recite any recent works he’s been in. I wasn’t asked to look it up (and he also has his own electronics, thank you), but when I express confusion as to exactly where The Ask was stated that I perform this service, I generally get a confused, “I thought you’d want to know, too.”

        It’s been a long slog over those three decades to get him to understand that it’s MORE rude for him to be annoyed with me because I don’t pick up his subtle hints and then rush in to offer him what he wants, when he could save a busload of time by simply being direct and asking (with the understanding the answer can be “no”). But still, he persists in thinking it’s “rude” to simply say, “Hey, can you look up that guy and see if he’s been in anything lately?” At which point, I should have the option to say, “Nah, I don’t feel like it” or “Sure, hang on a sec.” But we never get there because even just asking that minor thing is, again, “rude”.

        It’s weird to me to have expectations that others just… fulfill your needs and wants by (apparently) being incredibly tuned in to you ALL THE TIME… instead of simply stating what you need/want outright. The MetaFilter comment on Askers vs Guessers addresses this by explaining the further you get from your Guess family/friend group, the more difficult it is for a Guesser overall – because the world at large isn’t attuned to your particular style of Guess culture, so you’ll be inevitably disappointed when people don’t pick up on your cues and act upon them.

        Finally (and sorry for the rant, this appears to have struck a nerve), to me…there’s a lot of…hubris? Arrogance? Self-centeredness? in being an extreme Guesser and expecting others to pick up the slack and additional emotional lift of first divining and then offering you the things that YOU want via your subtle hints, versus cluing others in by simply saying, “HEY I WANT THIS, IS THAT OKAY?”

        Thank you for letting me rant. He’s a good guy and we’ve weathered major life stuff and he’s my soul mate…and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. He has come a long way with his expectations around being offered versus putting himself out there and being “rude” by just…asking. It still creeps in – and I wish I’d read the MeFi comment waaaay sooner. Would have solved many an argument back in the day.

  3. Anon

    What are your thoughts on applying for a job at a company you’re interested in even though you’re not quite ready to leave your current company? I don’t feel like I’m fully finished with my current position at Company A, but I will be in about 1-2 years. I’m very interested in Company B and they have posted a position that I would be interested in. I’d like to learn more about them. Should I apply just to get my name out there and further feel out the company, even though I likely will not accept if offered? This feels disingenuous and wrong, but maybe I’m overthinking.

    • Anon in Dallas

      I’m definitely not an expert here and I don’t want to pretend I am but it seems like a bad idea to me to potentially get to a position where they are willing to commit to you and you know know from the beginning you won’t be willing to commit to them. It feels like in the future it would probably be very, very difficult to convince them that you are really serious about any job opportunities with their company and not just feeling them out again after you turn them down like that once.

    • AZCPA

      If you wouldn’t take a job if it was offered, I wouldn’t apply. I’m sure the industry and size of the company will impact this, but especially in smaller businesses, I have seen declining would be looked at negatively, and hurt your chances in the future.

      Again, dependent on your situation, industry, etc but there’s also the possibility your current company would find out, which generally isn’t great.

    • Anon

      Yes. Interviewing is a two way street, you are there to learn more. I promise they’ll find another candidate if you decide not to pursue it. If you like the company and they like you, it makes no sense to wait for a year just for a similar opportunity to not arise exactly when you need it to.

    • Anon

      There’s never a perfect time to go and you have to take opportunities when they come up. If you’re thinking you’d leave in a year, you’re ready to go now. Apply and see what happens. Go in with an open mind about making a change. The best time to look is when you aren’t desperate.

    • Anon

      If you might leave in a year, then you’d start looking seriously in six months, which in the grand scheme is not that far off. If it’s a job you’d really consider taking if offered, I’d go for it.

    • Anonymous

      No harm in applying. If you get an interview, you can decide if you would want to go further with a second interview. I wouldn’t string the company along, especially if you like what you learn and still want to work there someday.

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re being weird. Either apply because you want the job or don’t.

    • Anonymous

      One year out from a planned job change is the time to start networking. Set a meeting with anyone you know at the company to learn what it’s like to work there.

    • Monte

      It really depends on what the company’s process is, but if you are certain you absolutely would not accept, you should bail out early. I have definitely worked at places where turning down an offer would mean you don’t get a second offer. It may be petty, but I have seen this even at larger, more sophisticated shops — they think very highly of themselves and if you do not as well, you are blackballed.

  4. Anonymous

    Cute tank. Anyone have tips on good PJ tops that have slightly shaped cups/maybe a tighter bust area? I’m hoping to find something with just a bit more support than a loose tank, but I don’t need a full-on shelf bra. Something pretty would be nice too.

    • Jules

      I keep getting Facebook ads for Montelle Intimates (some of their items are available on Amazon) highlighting chemises with some support like you have in mind. I don’t know if they have tank versions, but the chemises are pretty.

  5. Anon for this

    Half vent, half need advice. I’m struggling to process my feelings about two people I know who lied to get the vaccine. I’m not talking about people who have a legitimate health condition that didn’t make the list or people who got offered a leftover dose, but people who actively lied and said they had a condition when they didn’t. In my case, it’s two friends who lied about having a qualifying condition (one admitted to lying and said she was pregnant when she isn’t, the other dodged the question on a group text but I know for a fact, because he told me earlier, that he doesn’t qualify based on health reasons).

    We all need the vaccine eventually, which I keep telling myself, but I find that I can’t look at them the same way again and I’m not sure I want to stay friends. At the same time, the thought of ending friendships is painful. Has anyone else gone through this and if so, do you have any advice? My thought is that a slow fade (rather than a confrontation) might make more sense in case it’s possible to patch things up in the future. But I really don’t know and am finding this hard to deal with, especially when I have other friends and family members who are on the priority list and still haven’t been able to find appointments. I’ve tried to take a “worry about yourself” approach throughout the pandemic, but this feels too big to ignore – especially when one of the two friends is posting pictures on social media of his spring break at the beach. I can’t help feeling angry at that, even when I close social media. My own high-risk mother hasn’t gotten it yet and hasn’t seen anyone outside her household since March 2020 (but fortunately she is finally scheduled for her first appointment 10 days from now, thank god). Ugh. Would appreciate any advice on how to handle the friendship issue.

    • Doing too much

      I think you’re taking this way too personally. End the friendships if you’d like, but my ire is saved for those who claim it’s a hoax and those who have been partying and traveling and generally acting like a plague rat for the last year. Not someone who did one unethical thing to jump the line for a vaccine one or two months early than they otherwise would have gotten it. I think you need to let this go. Unless you’ve literally ended friendships with everyone you’ve known that has done one unethical thing that doesn’t actively harm others, it doesn’t make sense to draw the line here. These aren’t spots on the Titanic life boat, more vaccines are coming, and more vaccines are lost due to spoilage than stuff like this.

      • Anon

        +1 – you also likely don’t have full information as to why your friends did that. I think there’s plenty of very good ones and this isn’t something I’d judge. I also think shots in arms end things and at this point we’re far past the harm of the earliest/most vulnerable and limited supply.

        • anonymous

          Agreed. They’ve done something that is arguably unethical, but what they did benefits others in addition to themselves. And if they’re people who were out and about anyways, then all the better. Establishing qualifying preexisting criteria/employment is an imprecise way to prioritize access. My SO qualified for a vaccine early because he has an asthma diagnosis. Hasn’t had an attack since he was a teen. He’s healthy, has good access to health care, isn’t overweight, not an essential worker, not around vulnerable people, etc. Is he truly more deserving of getting it “early” than someone who is older (but not 65) who maybe doesn’t have any defined “conditions” but lacks the same access to health care and ability to WFH at a white collar job? Or who has kids or far older, truly vulnerable family they need to support or desperately want to visit? I don’t necessarily think so.

      • Anon

        This is where I am. I just can’t add this to my list.

        FWIW, in my city I can’t get a shot. But if I drove, some areas are struggling to fill slots (maybe from people not being able to navigate, being antivaxxers, having gotten it before) so badly that they on a county-wide basis are letting anyone >16 get shots now. It’s that or waste doses. Even if you don’t live in that county. So I will grant that even if I wanted to police this, I couldn’t do enough diligence on the facts.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1, especially to “These aren’t spots on the Titanic life boats.”

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know if I agree with that characterization when one person cheating to get the dose early means that someone else who wasn’t eligible couldn’t get it. I’ll feel differently in a few months when supply is ample.

      • Cat

        Agree too. I’m actually glad your traveling friend got the shot – the better not to spread.

        • Anon

          I do feel like the people most likely to jump the queue were also most likely to be spreaders (vs my 80YO MIL who is retired and never goes out and also has just now gotten shot #1, which is a bit inexplicable as she is armed with a cell phone, ipad, computer and still drives).

          • LaurenB

            I feel the opposite — it’s people who were cautious and took Covid seriously who are trying to work the angles to get the vaccine.

          • Anon

            I think it’s the more cautious people vying for early vaccines too. The less cautious people have either had Covid already and aren’t worried about getting it again, or believe they’ll never get it just because they got lucky enough not to get it so far.

      • Anon

        I agree with this. I have outrage fatigue, and this just doesn’t climb high enough to ping my radar anymore. Vaccine qualification and distribution has been a sloppy, scattershot mess. Getting the shot benefits the whole. Let it go.

        • BeenThatGuy

          +1 to outrage fatigue! A few years ago, my best friend donated an organ to her parent. In my state, the parent was eligible to be vaccinated and my friend was not, even though she’s missing that organ. She jumped the line. And I still love her. I prefer to be outraged at how poorly the government (state and federal levels) on their management of COVID and the vaccine roll-out; not be mad at people who jump the line because they are terrified of dying (or insert reason why here).

    • Senior Attorney

      There are definitely people from whom I will be distancing when everything shakes out. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from confrontation but certainly I won’t be choosing to spend time with, for example, the person who traveled all over the country throughout the pandemic and then blithely announced on a Zoom call recently that she’d tested positive for antibodies, meaning she’d had COVID and didn’t even know it hahaha (and passed it on to who knows how many other people who were not, unlike her, asymptomatic).

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s ok to be hurt by this and it’s also ok to chew on it for a while before you make any decisions. Friends do things that disappoint us sometimes. Maybe that means we show them some grace and forgiveness or maybe that means we distance ourselves.

      For me it would probably depend on whether they show remorse commensurate with how far they skipped the line. Things are so different in so many states, honestly I’m just mad at the world so it’s hard to feel mad at any particular person. My BF who is 36, healthy, not a frontline worker, got the shot in his state the day after they opened it up to his age bracket, no trouble getting an appointment at all. My 75 year old mother, who lives in a different state, just got hers after weeks of trying several times a day to get an appointment. I’m in a third state, and while I’m eligible under my governor’s guidance, no facilities are actually open to anyone under 50 or super high risk, which I am not. It’s hard to not feel mad about the vaccine rollout, period.

    • Anon

      Every single health care worker I know (many of whom are directly on the front line for Covid) just wants people to be vaccinated, and they don’t care how. I don’t know your particulars, but high risk folks have easily been able to get appointments where I live. Not sure why your mom had to wait so long, but maybe put more energy into that rather than being mad at your friends

    • Anon

      At this point it’s a matter of a handful of weeks difference in timing. There will be shots for everyone. Also you don’t always know everyone’s reason for needing a shot. There are people I know who have conditions that aren’t on the list but are high risk, people who wanted the shot because they help dare for elder parents, etc. You really can’t know what is going on with someone else’s health.

      I like others reserve my ire and permanent judgment for people who partied like it was 1999 during a pandemic.

      • No Face

        This is my view as well. I have a friend who lied to get his shots, and it surprised me. But his wife is in a very high-exposure job (many of her coworkers have gotten covid), and they have many eldercare responsibilities that they have been doing throughout the entire pandemic. Plus he traveled to a rural area in our state where there are many, many available appointments because the residents there think COVID is basically a hoax. I decided that it was actually a good thing that he got the shot.

    • Anonymous

      It was an extra nail in the coffin for me where I was leaning toward ending the friendship anyway. In this situation, the person bragged about lying so he could get vaccinated while the elderly and teachers in his very county are still playing Hunger Games to get appointments. He disgusts me. But as I said I was already tired of his sexist commentary, etc. So I might have made more of an effort to cut him some slack on the immoral vaccine line jumping if I otherwise liked and respected him.

    • bellatrix

      I think now you know something about your friends’ ethics. (And you would know it whether your mother had a hard time or an easy time getting a shot.) Does that mean you have to end the friendship? Maybe, maybe not. Only you can do that calculus. But I don’t think it’s as simple as “she lied to get the shot and my mother had to wait to get an appointment, therefore she took my mother’s shot.” I’m with you in that I take a dim view of someone who lies to jump the line. But on the other hand, a) the more shots in arms, the better; and b) at this point, the supply is such that everyone will get a shot at some point. It’s not like the cake scene in Office Space, where Melvin keeps passing and then ends up with nothing.

    • Anonymous

      In that case, I probably wouldn’t stay friends with these people. Lying and saying you’re pregnant when you aren’t is a pretty egregious ethical breach – that’s not an “oopsie” or a wasted dose situation. I find that the best kind of friends are honest, kind, and not selfish/self-interested to that degree. Prioritize your other friendships moving forward and see how things shake out.

      • Anon

        IDK — what if you are planning to get pregnant? And aren’t something like 25% of pregnancies unplanned? I feel if we cover up being pregnant all the time early on maybe people who are trying just say they are so it is one less thing to worry about doing WHILE pregnant. I’m not saying it was the case, but I can relate not wanting to do anything new or for the first time in the first trimester and also not putting off trying to get pregnant.

        • Anonymous

          None of what you just said has anything to do with lying about being pregnant.

        • Anon

          My area actually allows this and I got the vaccine that way. I thought I was just getting on a long list to get a shot this summer but they had 3 options for the pregnancy question and immediately gave me an appointment.

    • NOLA

      I struggled with this so much, feeling like an imposter getting the vaccine when the governor opened up eligibility to people over 16 with certain health conditions. I just felt that I was too healthy and didn’t quality and would be gaming the system. There were a lot of local jokes about gaining weight because it included BMI over 25. I gave it a lot of thought and realized that my dr and I are still working on my blood pressure. I had gone off of BP meds, but now I’m back on. At the time I was off meds, but it was still a wait and see period. I also have well-controlled asthma and never have an attack, but I’m on daily meds. As it turns out, I would have been eligible a week and a half later, but I don’t regret moving forward. My friends laugh at me about how I agonized about it, but it was an incredible relief, especially to be able to do it within the health system I use and to be able to choose my vaccine. That said, I don’t know how I would feel about someone out and out lying.

      • Anonymous

        In my view, your situation is different – you had two different actual health conditions. They don’t qualify you in every state, but they do in many. That doesn’t feel the same as straight-up lying.

        • NOLA

          Absolutely. I did qualify in my state but I still initially felt that I was gaming the system

      • Anonymous

        That’s nothing to do with this discussion at all. You got the vaccine because you did in fact qualify.

        • NOLA

          I’m just saying that a lot of us were feeling desperate when eligibility had opened up so much. Most people wouldn’t lie about being a former smoker or BMI but I’m certain that many did.

          • anon

            I don’t understand how this is relevant. Feeling guilt over your eligibility is the opposite of lying to get vaccinated.

    • Anon

      If these are actually people you are close to, you can talk to them about it – you can just say, it seems like you got vaccinated before your priority group and I’m having a hard time with that because XYZ, would you be willing to tell me more about your choice so I can try to understand? And maybe they’ll say yes and it will help you get over it; maybe you’ll say no (and could be friendship ending); or maybe they’ll say yes and you’ll still be frustrated and either you’ll get over it or you’ll fade. If you aren’t close enough to ask the person questions or tell them something they did isn’t sitting well with you, you’re not really that close and prob will fade on its own.

    • Anonymous

      I tend to look at these issues while remembering the phrase “when people show you who they are, believe them”. This situation is no different than finding out a friend acted unethically in any area — cheated on their tax return, cheated on an exam, cheated on their spouse, lied about something at work to avoid the consequences. You have to decide whether this action is misaligned with your own values such that reminding friends is not the right thing for you.

    • LaurenB

      I can’t get worked up about people moderately jumping the line. Especially if these were people who were compliant with masking, social distancing, etc. and still plan on being prudent after the vaccine. I will reserve my anger for Covid deniers, anti-maskers, and those who think that once they get the vaccine, it’s time to throw off the mask permanently and party til dawn. Indeed, I am more positive towards a cautious person who jumps the line for the vaccine and who plans on continuing prudent measures, than I am towards someone who “waits their turn” for the vaccine but has been non-compliant or will be irresponsible upon getting the vaccine.

    • Anonymous

      Are you perfect? I didn’t lie to get the vaccine but I for sure am not perfect.

      • Anokha

        I’m not perfect, and I don’t think that OP is suggesting that OP is perfect. But I also think that there’s a clear difference between ambiguous grey areas (e.g., an online yoga instructor getting vaccinated as an education provider) vs. straight up lying. I can forgive the former, and have a really hard time with the latter.

    • Anon

      How I would view this probably depends on how easy it is to get a vaccine in their area? If it is an area where those who are eligible have an easy time getting appointments, I would take it is a new datapoint about them but probably not end the relationship. If they live in areas where it is still hard for those over 65 and frontline workers, like grocery store clerks, to get vaccines, I would have a significantly harder time getting over that and would probably pull away from those people. When shots are in limited supply, I don’t think this is a victimless crime. High risk people are continuing to die because they can’t get the vaccine in many areas.

    • Seventh Sister

      I find it interesting that a fair number of the expats I know are interested in returning to the US for vaccinations, and/or are kind of upset that the US embassies aren’t vaccinating American citizens abroad. These are people who are long-term residents of an industrialized country that has a good healthcare system.

      My gut reaction was not kind, though I can imagine being an expat who schedules an American vacation with an eye to getting jabbed.

    • Anon for this

      Thank you everyone for the thoughtful responses. I still feel conflicted but it helps to get some different perspectives. For what it’s worth, appointments have been really hard to get in my area, including for high-risk people, so I do feel a little bit of anger about that because it does truly feel like very needed shots were “stolen” from eligible individuals (like my mom). However, I am really hopeful that there will be so much more supply in coming weeks that we can all get them.

      • Anon

        So they generally aren’t hard to get, but you have to be tech savvy to know how to get them. There is a distinction.

        • Anonymous

          That distinction is meaningless when the most vulnerable who need the vaccine first (the elderly) are often not the most tech savvy.

        • Anonymous

          Not OP, but this isn’t at all the case in my area. They are difficult to get and groups eligible are narrow, with frontline and neighborhoods with POC prioritized (most vulnerable). I think you need to remember that your experience isn’t everyone’s. I can’t even fathom everyone over 16 but I know it’s happening because it’s reported.

        • Anon

          Maybe where you live. You can’t generalize. We live in DC and they are hard to get no matter how tech savvy you are.

          • Anonymous

            It’s not appointment savvy though when the qualifications are so narrow on top of no openings. I think there is something really gross about making it sound like people just need to be more savvy. I’m in Illinois and difference in experience is night and day between city and a few counties away. That’s not on the individual.

        • Anon

          This is true in many places, but not everywhere. I have friends in the Bay Area who still haven’t been able to get their elderly parents appointments. And these friends actually work in tech, so it’s not a question of being “tech savvy.” On the other hand, in my red state, anyone who knows how to log onto a website can find an appointment today. There are pockets of the country where demand still vastly exceeds supply, and other pockets where it’s the complete opposite. I’m surprised the federal government is still allocating vaccines by per capita population because it’s clear at this point that blue states need more vaccine per capita to keep up with demand.

          • Anon

            In the Bay Area too and yes, you do actually have to be tech savvy. Follow the vaccine bots on Twitter, which tell you when slots open; learn about how to refresh; follow rabbit holes. It’s not just knowing how to get online. I’ve helped a lot of people get appointments and you have to figure out how. Perhaps tech savvy isn’t quite the right term, more “appointment savvy,” but once you know how, it’s easy to get and there are tons.

      • Anon

        I think you have a social duty, since these people have been your friends, to tell them that you do not condone their lying to get ahead. That it’s just a little bit ahead, or that it’s good to have shots in arms, does not make it ok. They deserve to know their actions have consequences and undermine the trust of the people around them.

    • Anon

      I’m surprised at how many responses on this thread are OK with outright unethical behavior. I don’t expect “perfection“ from my friends, but I also do expect them to be decent people. Straight-up lying to get the vaccine before eligible priority groups doesn’t meet that standard and wouldn’t leave me with much trust in the friendship. I’d slow fade. Life is too short to spend it with dishonest people.

      • Anon

        I agree. And I don’t view it as a victimless crime when many elderly people still haven’t gotten access to it.

      • T1D

        I straight up lied to get the vaccine and have absolutely zero shame about it. My state was opening it up to smokers and people with type 2 diabetes, while excluding type 1 diabetics.

        Plenty of studies had already shown that people with type 1 had an increased risk of hospitalization and death (even compared to type 2), but the CDC didn’t update their guidance on it until earlier this week.

    • Dahlia

      Personally, this is friendship-ending for me. I know someone who is young and healthy and claimed he volunteered at a hospital (he does not) to get the vaccine with the first wave (vaccinations of health care workers). We still have health providers dying of COVID- a colleague passed from COVID a couple of weeks ago.

      I think the vaccine rollout wasn’t optimal in the early stages. I waited my turn, even though I perform very high risk aerosolizing procedures. My colleagues who are bedside nurses waited their turns, even though they were routinely caring for COVID patients (and there is now evidence that prioritizing the ICU and anesthesia providers over the bedside nurses wasn’t the right course of action).

      I don’t have enough anger left at this point to say anything, and I don’t think there is any benefit to confronting him. But I will always think of that when I see him- that he showed self-serving and cowardly behaviour- and I no longer have any interest in his friendship. Life moves on, and I have gained great respect for many people who showed heroism and self-sacrifice during this time, and would rather spend my time with people I admire and would like to emulate. I believe you become more like the people you spend the most time with, and I would rather spend my limited free time with people I respect.

      This probably does sound judgemental, but I guess I’m allowed to judge who I want to spend time with!

      • Anon

        “I believe you become more like the people you spend the most time with” really resonated with me. Thank you.

  6. MN Anon

    My Happy Friday News: Minnesota is opening vaccine eligibility to all adults 16+ on March 30th–woo hoo!

    • Lyssa

      I am so happy to hear that many states are doing that now! My state was officially moving to that 4/5, but local news reported earlier this week that many counties, including my own (metro) one, have started it already. Excellent news!

      • Nashvillian

        Ugh, I wish I could be happy about it. It’s 100% because so many people in TN are refusing to get it.

        • Lyssa

          So everyone who wants it can get it. If they choose to put themselves in danger, that’s their choice.
          This is good news!

          • Anonymous

            Except the more of them screw around and don’t get it (leading to still-high community transmission), the more the virus can mutate and “break through” our vaccinated defenses. That’s why we have to care.

          • Anon

            It’s not good news at all. I’m also in a red state that has had major vaccine uptake issues and although I’m grateful I was able to get vaccinated early, I’m really worried about our long term future. If a third or more of the population doesn’t get the vaccine, the virus will continue spreading through these people, creating more variants that may evade vaccine immunity. For some viruses (like measles) natural immunity is better than vaccine-induced immunity, but it appears that for Covid the vaccines are much better than natural immunity. So even after every unvaccinated person is infected once, the virus may still be able to spread through those people, reinfecting some of them (and a small portion of vaccinated people, although hopefully the vaccinated people at least won’t get seriously ill). Also kids can’t be vaccinated, and although I’m not worried about my kids dying or ending up in an ICU, there seem to be a lot of potential long term complications from this virus, so it’s hard to imagine returning to a true normal life with no masks or distancing unless the virus is controlled or my kids are vaccinated. We’re not going to be in total lockdown now that the adults in our household are fully vaccinated, but normal life is a long way off if 30% or more of adults won’t take the vaccine.

      • Anon

        Jules
        03/26/2021 AT 2:16 PM
        Q. What’s the most common side-effect of getting the Covid vaccine?

        A. Talking about having gotten the Covid vaccine.

        :)
        Happy for your kid! I’m the OP from this morning (Pfizer #2) and glad to report I’ve been getting progressively more normal all day. Unfortunately still too wimpy to take a walk in this glorious sunshine but small price to pay.

      • Anon

        OMG me too!

        My state has been totally open for a couple weeks now and now the struggle is filling spots at the vaccine clinics. So I imagine pretty soon the conversation here will turn to complaining about people who haven’t been vaccinated and whether or not we should drop them as friends.

    • Anon

      I really wish they would reallocate vaccines based on all we know about how many people are getting it in different locations. I find it really frustrating that so many places are moving to all 16+, when in so many other locations it is impossible to get an appointment even if you are high risk, over 65, or work as a grocery store clerk.

  7. NOLA

    So it appears that weekends are the only time I have to post here, but thanks so much for the recs about concealers! I bought the Trish McEvoy and used it yesterday and today, and I’m also trying a thicker Clinique eye cream So far so good, even though the Trish McEvoy is far darker than my usual concealer choices. It’s not caking or flaking and seems to cover my dark circles.

  8. Anon

    Sooo, how bad is it that I prefer to sleep with the dogs over my husband? ha. I love him to pieces, but he’s hot when he sleeps and he grumbles whenever I turn over or readjust; the dogs are the perfect warmth, never complain because they’re so happy to be in the people bed, and their soft little breathing is like a white noise machine haha.

    • please go away

      omg my dog’s body heat is 300x that of my husband and I’ve been plotting ways to kick his little 8-pound booty out of our bed.

      it doesn’t help that I’m the family Alpha so my dog will go out of his way to move to be next to me, curled on my back, curled in my legs, etc.
      …I’m also a cold person and dog heats me up to UNreasonable levels. I wake up in a sweat enough from work and life-stress, I don’t need that little pupper adding heat to my fire.

      • Tea/Coffee

        OMG we lost both our (extremely old and decrepit) small dogs about two years ago and i miss them SO HARD in the winter! Dog 1 (my dog) was exactly like this- and i could fall asleep with my hand over her back and we were both sooooo happpyyyyyy.
        However, in warm weather, her snuggly ways were way too hot!
        Also the dogs never watched friends reruns in bed. Their farts were way worse than DH though, so there’s that

    • Walnut

      Your dog must not be a giant breed that likes to sleep with four legs straight out and an annoying AF licking habit. I’d like to boot my dog to sleeping on a different floor of the house.

      • Anonymous

        I love my dog more than the humans in my family but she is not allowed upstairs.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      No joke, there was a study a while ago that showed that women sleep better when they share the bed with a dog (or perhaps it was a pet?). I love sharing my bed with my dog. Even though she’s big she stays super still, and I find her breathing very soothing. But clearly she doesn’t love sharing the bed with me, because she always ends up leaving and going back to her own (very comfy) dog bed in the night.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t want to sleep with either one. Husband is too noisy, 75-lb Golden Retriever mix is too furry and dirty and stinky.

    • Anon

      Cannot relate, animals in beds grosses me out. But the happiest couples I know have separate sleeping areas.

  9. Anon

    I’m living in the deep South for the first time and I’m excited to wear seersucker when it becomes seasonally appropriate. I’m seeing a few cute seersucker sundresses but no workwear. I once met a female partner wearing a beautiful seersucker suit at a DC law firm, so I know they exist (or at least did 4ish years ago). Am I looking in the wrong places? Is it just too early in the year?

    • AnonATL

      I think it’s probably a bit early still. In years past I’ve seen them at Brooks brothers, j crew and maybe Ann Taylor.
      Hello fellow deep-souther and welcome to the devils front porch (aka summer in the south)

      • Anon

        Perfect, I’ll keep an eye out there.

        I’m torn between being so excited that my tomato plant is already flowering and being terrified for how miserable it’s going to be by late July!

    • Anonymous

      I have in the past seen them at both Brooks Brothers and J Crew. It seems they would be in stock now for the summer if they are ever going to be.

    • Anonymous

      The Brooks Brothers outlet has some pieces already – I saw it a couple weeks ago in store.

      Talbots also carries it in summer. Oh, and Dillard’s, since you’re in the south :) You’ll love their Antonio Melani house brand – such beautiful workwear.

    • Anne-on

      Brooks brothers, Jcrew and Talbots. I have a gorgeous a-line gingham work dress from 2019 I treasure.

  10. Anon

    I have a shoe dust bag with the designer’s signature on it and I want to frame it. Any ideas for how to do this and get the dust bag to stay up?

    • LaurenB

      Put cardboard in it and then tack the cardboard to the back? I guess that involves putting a pushpin through the back and you don’t want to do that?

    • Anon

      Go to a framing shop.

      Your other alternative is to buy a frame that is significantly larger than your shoe bag in both dimension + a full size uncut mat in whatever color you like. “Float” the shoe bag on the mat, centered, with sticky tape. I don’t know how thick the shoe bag is – you might need to buy an extra depth frame for this.

  11. Claire

    I have a really weird problem at work and I’m not sure what to do about it. I have a coworker who had a child with a terminal illness. Her daughter was ill for about 4 months. During this time my coworker did not take any FMLA and worked remotely from the hospital. I know the situation was horrible. I do not know why she did not take advantage of my company’s generous paid leave policy (I work for company outside US). But she didn’t. Her daughter died last week at about 9pm, and she came back to work the next day. So far she has only taken one day of bereavement leave. I know that people grieve in all sorts of ways. When my mom died I didn’t handle it well at all and there was no way I could have worked. However, she has become EXTREMELY argumentative and angry, and it’s mostly targeted towards me. I think she resents me for a few reasons, but I think the fact she did not take time off to grieve is making it much worse. Her manager will not do anything about it because he feels bad for her. But it’s gotten to the point where I almost can’t do my job. Every time I send an email she gets mad and bitches me out. It could be a completely mundane email, and all I get back is anger. She treats me like I am absolutely an idiot even though I have an advanced degree, and she goes out of her way to make me look stupid in front of other people. She doesn’t have a degree, she has 4 kids and I think she resents the fact I have money and I’m single with no kids. She has no idea I grew up in a shack in Alabama with holes in the roof because I haven’t volunteered that info. I came from pretty much nothing. The day of her daughters funeral she was sending me rude emails.

    I LOVE my job. My boss is great, my whole team is great except for this girl. I love my company and don’t want to leave. I guess I will wait it out, but I’m afraid she and I are heading for some sort of confrontation and I will be the one to look like an asshole because she is going through a very hard time mentally. But the constant arguing is become almost unbearable. Right now I’m just trying the ignore tactic but I don’t know if it will work. I keep hoping she will get better as time goes on, but this has been going on for months. I don’t even know how to approach HR and not look like an asshole.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry, this is a tough spot to be in.

      Maybe you could approach HR asking for strategies for yourself? I often find that when I want someone else to do something for me (handle the situation with your coworker), a way to do a soft ask is to instead approach them and explain the situation and my feelings and ask for advice about what *I* should do. This makes you look proactive and cooperative and caring, and a competent HR person might even volunteer to step in and have a gentle conversation. Also, there will be some record in HR about the fact that you were being treated unreasonably.

      • Claire

        That is an excellent idea, thank you. I have basically just done nothing to this point, hoping things would get better.

    • JD

      You mention your boss and her manager, are these the same people? I would go to your manager for advice, or think if you have any coworkers that are great at working with different personality types. Your manager should have your back. They may ask you to try dealing directly with her if you haven’t had a conversation about the arguing yet. Have you had any direct conversations with her about her behavior not being appropriate? There are resources online for “crucial conversations” that might help you try to navigate a direct conversation. It’s really hard to be direct but neutral, but this can work for some people.

      If you have the same manager, is it possible to separate your tasks more, so you don’t have to interact with her? Does the manager know how bad this has gotten for you? We should be empathetic to our coworkers and employees, but if it’s crossing into abusive behavior, that’s not acceptable.

      I don’t think it’s your place to suggest she take time off. If you think you can approach her with empathy/not bring defensive energy, you certainly can set a boundary about how she’s responding to you. For you, try to be the bigger person. If you don’t engage in arguing back and present your position neutrally, I really don’t think anyone would think less of you for pushing this with management.

    • Go for it

      This is just my two cents, she’s taking it out on you because hurt people hurt people, By not asserting that it is unacceptable behavior she’s deemed you a place to dump her grief (disguised as anger).
      That said, if it were me I would make an appointment with a Therapist to get a scripted response and use it as a broken record with her, including at meetings. You’re probably kind and feel sympathetic to her situation, however; you do not have to be anyone’s emotional punching bag. Ever.
      If possible get that appointment as soon as you can.

    • my 2c

      When you talk about your boss about this, make sure to be clear about what the problem is: your coworker is treating you badly.

      Don’t make it about her not taking FMLA during the illness, not taking time off to grieve, her family, finances or her education level. That is none of your business.

      Your problem is that she is treating you badly at work and is a hinder to you doing your job properly. You don’t need any of the other stuff to change – not your business – what you need is for her to be professional towards you. Your job description isn’t being her punching ball.

      You can talk to your manager about this, but only the fact that her current behaviour is making your job difficult – and that you are obviously full of compassion for her terrible situation. You are still allowed to tell your manager that you might need some help to be able to do your job, and that you would appreciate their input, especially because it’s such a difficult time.

      • Anon

        This. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, but I also find it really weird that you’re fixated on how this woman is grieving. It is truly none of your f-ing business and if you open your discussion with your boss with “she didn’t take enough time off work after the death of her child” you will be shut down fast and deservedly so.

    • Monte

      What was your relationship like before her daughter got sick? She is in mourning, and for many of us that just turns in to irrational anger, but there is no reason why you should have to withstand this until she moves to the next stage of her grieving. If I had a good relationship with her before, I likely would bring this to her attention in a gentle and non-blaming way, one that does not mention her daughter’s death directly but instead ties it to the change over the last few months: “Susan, I want to talk about the change in our communications. I have always enjoying working with you and I think we have had a good relationship, but since October, it seems that the tone has changed. We both care about our jobs and are good at them — what can we do to get back to when we were collaborating well?”

      Or something along those lines. I would at least attempt that before going to HR, but if she doesn’t respond or responds poorly to such a message, then I think you can talk to the powers that be without seemingly like an insensitive a$$.

    • Anon

      This is awful and I really feel for her. You mentioned her manager, but have you discussed it with your own manager? If it’s getting in the way of you doing your own job, they should know. And maybe they can help you limit interactions with her for a while. Other than that I would just dig deep to find sympathy. Clearly she is in a lot of pain.

    • Anon

      Have you just tried talking to her? If your interactions are all over email that doesn’t help. Set up a call or zoom and try just talking it out.

    • Anon

      In my opinion, going through a horrible time in your life does not give you license to treat other people like that. I would definitely not expect this woman to go above and beyond on the social pleasantries, but yelling and belittling people at work (or anywhere) is not OK no matter what she’s going through. I would go to your manager and ask for advice on handling this diplomatically.

      • EM84

        +1 and in my company, this would be classified as harrassment. Defintely raise this with your manager as she is making you work hell. Bring specific examples. I would not even try talking this out with her, as it seems she is not able to see how her behavior is unacceptable and impacting you.

        • Anonymous

          I think you at least owe it to her to point out that you think both of you are experiencing friction. She may not even realize this pattern. How she does or doesn’t spend FMLA time is none of your business (here’s a counter point—she didn’t take the time and worked remote because she didn’t know how long it would go before her daughter died and she had all those other kids depending on her—perhaps she’s not home now because it’s too painful being in that space or she’s feeling immense work pressure and afraid she’ll lose the job supporting those kids). I would try to keep conversation transactional and neutral. If things don’t get better after you’ve made the woman aware then push this on your manager.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, I’m reading a lot of animosity here between the lines. Calling her a girl? Speculating she’s jealous of you because you have more education and more money? Then patting yourself on the back because you grew up poor? Somehow knowing the details about the amount of leave she took and then judging her for it?

      None of this excuses her behavior, and I second the advice to focus on that, document it and bring it to your manager. But I might also examine your own animosity towards this person. If I was aware that a coworker who wasn’t my manager was this focused on my leave and family situation I might not want to work with that person either.

    • Anon

      Talk to your manager, but also why tf are you calling her a girl? And your poor, rural background has nothing to do with this.

  12. Anon and wanting to shop

    Off topic, but does anyone have the Caraway pans? What about a good mid-price ($500) turntable for someone who is interested in records, but not wanting to spend a billion dollars. Extra points for being compatible with ?

    • Calico

      My husband tried out a Caraway, became obsessed, then bought the whole set. They are really beautiful and great to cook with. The set comes with a rack for storing that’s really useful. I’ve loved cooking with them, and even think they’re better than the Greenspan I had been loyal to. Probably the best unintended side effect is that my husband wants to cook all the time now. Have at it!

  13. Anon

    Looking for advice. I am pregnant (after TTC for almost a decade) and recently received notice that I am eligible for the COVID vaccine. Live in Canada where rollout has been super slow..

    The latest guidance seems to suggest that pregnant women who have received the vaccine have not reported any adverse side effects and vaccine has demonstrated efficacy in both mom and baby – however, this is based on a very small sample of people.

    My OB is reluctant to provide definitive advice (understandable, but not useful), instead referring to recent guidance. I WFH and don’t venture out much. My main exposure is DH who is an essential worker (and not eligible for vaccination yet). Cases are increasing in our region but I think our immediate area is under control, relatively speaking.

    I want to protect myself and baby against COVID risk… but am still hung up over the theoretical risk of possible side effects on this miracle baby. WYYD?

    • Cat

      You obviously have to decide for yourself and I am not a doctor, but all of my pregnant acquaintances (4 women) have opted to receive the shot.

    • Cc

      I am 23 weeks pregnant with my first after a difficult time getting pregnant and a loss. I am agonizing over this decision! It is very hard, but if it helps at all, based on everything I have read and my doctors, I am going to get it. Last week my OB definitively recommended getting it for all women in the second and third trimester, and I called my primary care who deferred to my OB but said they would recommend it for third trimester. Everyone I know who is pregnant is getting it, and there is no known risk to the baby, but Covid is a known risk to the mom. (I also work from home, don’t see anyone, but my husband is an in person teacher. I really went back and forth on whether it would be enough if everyone I interact with is vaccinated)

    • Anon

      I’d get the vaccine because I think getting actual Covid is probably a lot worse for you and the baby.

    • Anon

      There’s been a lot of discussion of this on the moms page FYI. It’s not really a small sample size at this point – tens or even hundreds of thousands of pregnant women have been vaccinated without incident and Israel just did a big study showing babies born to moms who were vaxxed while pregnant have antibodies. Studies show you’re 3 times as likely to die of Covid while pregnant, so for me getting the vaccine would be a non-brainer, especially with an essential worker spouse.

    • The Original ...

      Lots of covid responses cover everything science so I just wanted to say CONGRATS!!!!!!!!

    • Anon

      Personally, I’m waiting till after the 1st trimester given that the vaccine can cause fevers. As soon as I hit the second trimester, I’m getting one.

    • Anon

      Congrats on the pregnancy!!!! I actually had to address this question last week! I became eligible to receive a vaccine appointment and only had a few days to decide. I also TTC-ed for a long time (though not as long as you–maybe 3-4 years, which included 2 miscarriages, 2 chemicals, an etopic and 3 rounds of IVF) so I was more worried about effects on the baby than me since if it was just me I wouldn’t have any hesitation. One of the OBs I talked to was the same as yours–wouldn’t provide a clear recommendation but just said to weigh the benefits/risks and I would have to make my own decision. My risk exposure is low because both my husband and I WFH and we’ve Covid cautious in the sense we have all our grocery and takeout delivered, we haven’t traveled since December 2020, we only see family and friends outside and with masks so I could have probably made it through the pregnancy without getting one but everything I read said if you got Covid, it could be really bad. I checked the mom’s corporette site and they seemed all for doing it and I talked to my pediatrician friend and a friend of mine who was also pregnant and they thought it was better to get the vaccine than to not get it. Also read some articles online and the one about the baby getting the antibodies from the Moderna vaccine seemed like a good thing and Fauci said thousands of pregnant women have gotten the vaccine with no red flags. So I ended up getting it and I’m glad I did. Like everyone else who has responded, I think it’s better to get the vaccine than covid. I got it at 37 weeks and I wish I had gotten it sooner so I could have had my second dose before the baby arrives. I got the Moderna shot, which I was happy to get since it’s the one where they reported the baby got the antibodies from a mother who received the Moderna one but I probably would have taken which ever one they gave me (I didn’t have a choice, just showed up and was given that one). After I got the shot, my friend who is pregnant told me she talked to a MFM doctor and the MFM doctor highly recommended that she get the vaccine so she’s getting one as soon as she is eligible. I also told my other OB at my next appointment I ended up getting the vaccine and she thought it was a good thing I did. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably wait until at least I was past the first trimester and maybe the 20-week mark if possible before getting it since I was constantly worrying about miscarrying but I would definitely get it if past that (note that I still worry after the 20-week mark but reaching the 20-week mark for me was like a huge relief and nothing I’ve read says the vaccine causes miscarriages but one of the articles I read did say waiting until at least the second trimester was probably better since miscarriages are just higher in the first trimester). Good luck and wishing you a healthy pregnancy!

    • AFT

      Just helped to schedule my pregnant SIL this morning for her shot!
      at this point, no risk to fetus or pregnant mom has been shown from the vaccine, whereas pregnant women are significantly more likely to get very sick or die from COVID. Get the shot for yourself and your baby’s sake. Most pregnant people I know have gotten the shot, and pregnancy is considered a risk factor that results in the person bieng prioritized in my area.

  14. Anonymous

    For those of you currently working from home for companies that were previously big on face time and anti-telecommuting, have you received any specific information on when you will return to the office and hours expectations? I would love to continue to work a couple days a week from home but don’t know if that change is likely or something I can reasonably ask for. I am in CA.

    • The Original ...

      Super specific to individual companies and individual roles… why not keep going as is until your company asks you to return, then broach the subject? In the meantime, think through all of your tasks and how you will show you can complete them as well or better from home, think through what you may offer if they say they want you able to be conversing with your colleagues in an office setting (suggest alternatives), etc. Then you’re not borrowing trouble but you are prepared with real examples of how you can keep going from home without upsetting the company goals.

    • Anon

      My company is stuck in the Dark Ages and remote allowance has been completely at the whim of department VPs, so some departments had no remote work at all (because the company played games to get itself declared essential) and other departments have been remote for a year now.

      My boss is going out of her way to avoid engaging with our department head, so he has fewer opportunities to try to force us back. She is determined to keep us remote as long as possible.

      That doesn’t exactly answer your question, but basically I expect to get no warning when the higher-ups have finally had enough.

    • AFT

      Corporate office has been “closed” for a year, and was previously very old fashioned about WFH/flexible working arrangements. It’s looking like a “soft reopen” starting in June or July, but with the understanding that (1) part-time remote work will now be much more common, so it’s like a good part of the workforce will only be in the office 3 days or fewer even after “reopening”; and (2) during the summer, return will likely remain voluntary even on a reduced time basis, so no one will be required to return to the office until ~September.
      We’re in an area where everyone will become vax eligible in mid April, though appts remain harder to schedule still at this point, so I’d expect most individuals will be able to be fully vaccinated by no later than mid-June or July 1.

      • AFT

        My professional role has lots of line of sight to other companies, and many are significantly expanding their remote workforce/increasing remote work opportunities even with a return to the office for some people. You are for sure not the only one who has come to appreciate WFH and is dreading returning to the office, OP.

  15. Anonymous

    On a recommendation on this site, I ordered the Gap cigarette jeans in black (94% cotton, 5% polyester, 1% spandex). I ordered two sizes. Out of the package, the smaller of the two is too tight for my taste. It zips okay but I have horizontal creasing at the crotch. I’m fine with the way the larger size fits when I try it on but am worried it will loosen over time and then be too loose. The last pair of Gap jeans I bought I stopped wearing because they stretched out. Which size would you keep?

  16. Decor q

    Love the boho look and the idea of tapestries everywhere both as a look and for living in a rental, but also type A and an adult and hate the idea of it looking unfinished or like a dorm room. Any pins or guidance or thoughts anyone wants to share on mastering this vibe on a small budget within this esthetic?

    • Anonymous

      Unless you live in a castle with medieval tapestries, it’s bound to look like a dorm room.

  17. Anonymous

    I’ll try to post again tomorrow, but on the off-chance that anyone else is spending a rainy Sunday surfing the internet and wants to help me shop…. Faced with the prospect of returning to the office sometime this spring/summer, I have realized that I need new shoes. My spring/summer shoes from 2019 needed to be replaced last year, but instead I spent 2020 wearing flip flops and sneakers while I worked from home. Now, after a year of not wearing dress shoes, I am dreading the idea of heels. Add to that the fact that I have problem feet and really can’t wear more than a 2″ heel for any length of time, and I am at a loss for how to return to work-appropriate footwear. Recommendations for comfortable, low heels/wedges? I have owned several pairs of Vionics over the years which I have loved, but they don’t seem to have anything that fits the bill right now.

  18. Vax vent

    Just a vent. I’ve got vaccine envy. I’m happy and all for people to get vaccinated; indeed thrilled my parents and in-laws and essential worker and genuinely high risk friends and family are now vaccinated. But I’ve got serious pandemic fatigue and it’s only getting worse watching others get to be out and about relatively safely when I don’t see myself any closer to being vaccinated and my kids are at least a year away. There’s no reward here. It’s a slog. I recognize my privilege and I know it won’t be forever. But d@mn, it’s frustrating keeping up morale as more and more people leave you in the dust…

    • The Original ...

      It may help to think of it as every shot helps to keep you safer til you get yours. Maybe that’ll feel less like you’re left out? If it helps, maybe think about how most are still saying locked down until herd immunity so there isn’t a party without you, even though it feels as such! <3

  19. Anonymous

    I just got my stimulus! I would like to spend it on something frivolous – any recommendations? Maybe earrings? I’m mid-thirties and like larger dangly earrings. I kind of want to spoil myself a little, I’ve been working hard and doing well in my new job lately. Any other fun ideas?

    • Anonymous

      Maybe a nice takeout dinner or something from a small local retail shop so it pays it forward to those in real need?

    • The Original ...

      How about at small businesses or in local restaurants or buying items for people in shelters or buying food for medical providers or educators in your area? How about donations to causes you care about? Spend as you wish, it just may mean more to spend the money with those who are nowhere near the position you are in, so you can both spend and support others?

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