Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I am somehow always surprised that it is still cold in May — but it does feel like it's sandal-hunting season, no? Yes? What are you eager to pull out again, or what are you on the hunt for this year? I'll put a few of my favorite sandals (and reader favorites) in a little widget here…

These Naot sandals are always a big hit — they've got a cork footbed, and minimal leather for a sleek look, while still getting rave reviews for comfort. My one complaint is that I wish they had a more basic combination — like an all-medium-brown shoe — because I worry the light-colored leather along the wedge heel will get scuffed and grass-stained, while still keeping it vaguely skin-toned for the ankle strap for a leg-lengthening look. Le sigh.

The pictured shoes are $159 at Nordstrom and Zappos (and Amazon has some older colorways for as low as $43).

(If you're still on the hunt for rain boots, I just wore my neon UGG boots out the other day and was really happy with them.)

Some of my other favorite sandals are in the widget below (click the items for more details). I have multiples of these Birks. These Reefs has always been my preferred flip-flop (arch support!); for sportier sandals, readers have sung the praises of Teva and Chacos.

Some cute, highly-reviewed nude-for-you sandals for 2024 (but seriously, know your office!!) (You can find all of our latest favorite nude heels for work here.)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

223 Comments

  1. How much do you want to know, or expect your SO to share with you, about your SO’s ex/kids’ other parent? My boyfriend is 45 and has a 7 year old daughter (he has her 12 nights/month). I met him shortly after the divorce was final two years ago. I’ve never dated someone who has an ex spouse, or even an ex who they have to still be around/work with/interact with. I don’t feel like he’s hiding anything, but I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to be asking more questions, either. I expect to eventually meet his ex (we’re thinking this fall before kid goes back to school in person). I don’t know much about why they broke up, and I don’t really know that I care…but I have a couple friends who think I should be more interested/ask more and I wanted to get additional perspectives from this group.

    1. I would be more interested in whether he gets along with her now, and whether they are successfully co-parenting. If he is badmouthing her I would consider that a red flag. Beyond that I might want to know what he learned from the relationship and breakup, maybe. But really everybody has exes and how much of the gory details you want to know is a matter of personal preference.

      1. +1,000 I cut straight to this with online dating. If the man has kids who are co-parented, my biggest concern is how the parents’ relationship is and how succesfully they co-parent. I have dated men who have terrible relationships with the other parent of their child/children and I never ever want to go there again.

        1. Also replying to myself – I think your friends are nosy AF wrt to needing to know details about her personally. How is that relevant to your relationship?!

      2. I met DH about two years after he and his ex-wife split up, and he had a 4 year old. We have been together 9 years now, married for 5. He doesn’t say much about his ex-wife, and I don’t think they talk that much. They coordinate custody time/expenses/kid stuff and that’s about it. So he doesn’t say much to me about it, except as it impacts me (when child will be at our house and when we are paying for something substantial). He has never said one single bad thing about her, even when he told me why their marriage broke up, and I admire that about him. I also try to keep myself distanced from the situation because I think they need to co-parent together and I never wanted him to be tempted to try to get me to co-parent with his ex-wife because that’s his job and not mine. The child and I get along great.

        1. I think that as we get older, we have to be more flexible about our male SO’s and the fact that they carry alot of baggage we must put up to if we want to be an SO to the guy. Part of that is what is his relationship with his EX, including whether he gets custody or has to pay her, and how much $ is available to him after he pays his child support. The last thing we need is to get a new SO who has to borrow money from us to pay his EX for support of his kids. At that point, the s-x with him, even if passible , is not even worth it.

    2. Sounds like you’re too early in the relationship so I would just be chill about it. If you do end up with this guy, the ex is going to be in your lives like it or not because of shared custody, and you will long for the day when you knew too little about her. You’re going to know a LOT, long term.

      I never want to know too much about people’s past relationships and I don’t share much about mine. No one owes you their entire romantic and s4xual history. Do you really need to know “god, my ex used to be so wild in the sack, one time we broke the bed. And that time we went to Cabo she ..” All that knowing these details is going to do is live in your head forever, rent free. You’re better off not delving into it.

        1. Replying to myself here, but also no one is suggesting anyone shares gardening details about their exes. That’s not what anyone means when they say, hey isn’t it weird you don’t know why your BF got a divorce.

          1. In my experience, asking for details about the breakup revolves into lots of details you wish you didn’t know.

          1. And I am pretty sure you are both right based on the explicit language of the original post.

      1. I for one, do not want to find out after the fact that my new SO has a weird fetish and that is why he broke up with his EX. The last thing I need is to find him peeing and/or pooping in my bed and then saying he has done this for years, and it was not a problem with some of his past girlfreinds.

    3. I feel like it might be driven by the level of drama around the ex relationship. I think the more drama the more I would be curious. If they are cordial and cooperative with parenting their child it would make me comfortable not digging deeper.

    4. I am divorced and share a child with my ex. Early on, I spoke to my BF about why ex and I broke up, and at times he’s come up — being divorced after many years, I have some trauma, and I’ve had to communicate to my BF that some things he does grate on my nerves extra because they remind me of bad experiences with my ex. Now that BF and I have been together for 2 years, this rarely comes up, except when discussing my parenting schedule (“that’s going to be a problem, you know how he is.”). I don’t dwell on it either in my mind or conversation. I think if your SO is super over all of it and they are amicable, I could see it not coming up a lot or being relevant. My BF told me about his significant ex and why they broke up, but not in huge detail.

    5. Do you have a relationship with the daughter yet? I am in your situation, but my SO has his kids half of the time (often more than that) so I have a lot of contact with them. Knowing who their mom is has been helpful in understanding their background and where they are the other half of the time. It sounds like you already expect to meet her.

      I agree that at this point you’re just looking for a cooperative co-parenting dynamic. At some point if you’re considering marriage I would be interested to hear what he learned from his first, and what his thoughts are on trying again. ]

    6. I always want to know what led to the end of an SO’s prior significant relationships. Not gory details, but in a very general way. If he had a role in the breakup, I want to know he takes responsibility for it and learned from it. If it was a dealbreaker type issue where no one is really at fault, I want to know what the dealbreaker was. If he thinks it was 100% her fault then I want to know why and I want to know that he’s worked on any trauma he may have experienced from abuse, cheating, etc.

      All that said, this is a very personal thing and I wouldn’t press for information that isn’t offered. I’m usually the more open one in my relationships so I talk about my past experiences first, and then he can choose what and when he wants to share. If he didn’t share with me, that would be a signal to me that we’re not at that level of emotional intimacy yet. If you’ve been with this guy for two years and you don’t know why he and his ex got divorced, I would think that’s quite odd because I’d personally expect to be closer by that point, but if you’re happy with the pace then don’t let others make you second guess it!

    7. I guess I’d at least want to know the main point of contention. For example, if they were just very different people, grew apart, someone cheated, had arguments about finances, etc. So I could think about if we are better suited or could avoid those problems. Also whether he’s going to talk poorly about her and avoid all responsibility (even if it is on her, can he talk about it maturely?) and can he talk about it without too much passion/rage/whatever, so I know he’s generally moved on from it?

    8. When there has been a very LTR in the past, I want to know generalities about the break-up from his perspective. It is not so much that I want gory details, want to assign blame, or want to know what she is like as a person, but I think understanding what kind of experiences a person has had, especially in a recent, serious relationship, is relevant. In the case of co-parenting, though, it is also going to be necessary to know the ex, understand if and how they disagree on parenting issues, and have a general sense of the ex’s personality. Those are rough waters to navigate even in the best circumstances.
      Unfortunately, my SO’s ex published a short story about their breakup and, when my own relationship with him got complicated, I sought out the piece and read it. I haven’t decided if I regret it, because it was as enlightening as it was uncomfortable, but generally I think I don’t want the ex’s perspective on the break-up.

    9. I think I’m in the minority but my husband and I both shared tons of detail about prior relationships and why they ended. I kind of can’t imagine being with someone I wasn’t completely open with. I don’t see it as prying and if a guy I had been dating did, then he’s not the right fit for me.

    10. I recently moved in with my bf of 3 years and he/we have his kid half time. I actually know a lot about and we talk a lot about his ex wife and marriage – like it or not (and I don’t like it to be clear!) she is a HUGE part of his history and his current life (though we are trying to lessen that). Her decisions and actions impact us greatly – so much so that honestly I’m considering breaking up because I never wanted to be a parent and yet here i am, half time with a kid here and I don’t really want that, but enough about me…

      she was his primary relationship for most of his life – to me it is impossible to separate that from who he is now so we’ve done a fair amount of dissecting and analyzing that relationship together.

      If I’m reading correctly you know the kid but have not met the mom? that is surprising to me.

      1. If you don’t want the situation with the kid, end this quickly. Your continued involvement does not serve you well, and is also potentially damaging for your BF (but he’s a grownup) and more importantly, the kid (who has gotten no vote in this and who has already experienced upheaval when her parents split). Run! for everyone’s benefit.

        1. +100000. Cannot be in relationship with someone who has a child if you don’t want to develop a positive relationship with the child, or will resent his relationship with his child in any way.

  2. This morning’s conversation about moving to the New York area made me want to post my own version of the question:

    For those who have lived there, what would you want a person moving to Manhattan to know if they had only ever lived in the suburbs of much smaller cities their entire life? How would you advise them to prepare for the move?

    This is a hypothetical question as I am not moving right now, but I’m considering it maybe about a year from now (when my current lease runs out and hopefully Covid is more under control). I’m single, 28, no kids (and will never have them), work in finance, make around ~$100k, potential office would be in Midtown East neighborhood. I’m very into culture, music, museums, etc. and have nothing holding me down. Even if I only lived there for a year or two, I think I just want the experience.

    1. Save your clothing budget for the next year and then buy after you get to New York and have gotten adjusted to your workplace. The look there is very different.

    2. Go for it. It’s expensive and crowded and you’ll miss big grocery stores but if you want it you can make it happen.

    3. My biggest lessons learned after a small town. Don’t look up when you’re walking, you look like a tourist and need to be paying attention to your surroundings. When someone approaches you on the street, just keeping walking. Invest in good walking shoes and change into heels at the office. Your feet will thank you, you’ll blend in with others and you’ll be less likely to slip on curbs or ice.

    4. I’d say there’s more here, but it’s less accessible. It’s going to take more time & money to do literally anything. It’s always crowded & it always smells bad. “Nice” places like a elite member room at the theatre are like basic conference rooms with a snack bar. A rooftop bar/restaurant is packed with nothing but tables on bare concrete with few chairs/without even any shade or anything — they basically don’t want you to be comfortable there so they can herd you in & out. Same for any dining experience, no matter how upscale. The energy of the city can be exciting … but the Pizza Rat of it all can really get to you. The steaming urine smell of the subway in the summer … just all of it is a lower quality of life. The arts are wonderful but that’s only a brief escape from it all & you might have an old lady with very strong perfume on your lap or a man with a camera who insists on coming & standing in front of you every time you stop to look at a painting.

      1. Well that sounds miserable. Does it really always smell bad? I’ve been there a few times and didn’t notice, but I’ve always visited in winter.

        1. I mean maybe I’m just immune to it after all these years but no, it doesn’t always smell bad.

          I think NYC is definitely not for everyone, but for some people few places can compare. I’m in the latter camp. Last weekend, even with the city semi shut down and still recovering post-pandemic, all of Central Park was in bloom, there was a cool new exhibit on the roof of the Met, and I got to sit on the bench and listen to some really amazing jazz completely unplanned. I had my choice of amazing takeout for dinner and I get to do it all over again this weekend, with virtually unlimited permutations. There are things that are frustrating, of course, and I wish I had a bigger apartment, but I don’t feel like I “need” any of that. The random joy NYC brings me though is (for me) an essential.

          1. I love this. I’m in SF and feel similarly, for some people the city will always be terrible but if you love it, there’s nowhere else you want to be.

      2. You never ever get used to the smell of steaming urine on a hot summer day. Never.

      3. This is exactly why I think NYC is the emperor’s new clothes, turned down the job I was offered there, and will never ever ever live there unless I somehow become a billionaire and can buy my way out of all the hassle. Probably not even then because I don’t think I would like hanging out with billionaires.

        Also, OP, did you know that you don’t get to control your own heat in NYC apartment buildings? So much $$$ to live in squalor.

        1. Okay, this is the kind of insider thing I was looking for…you can’t control your own heat? Wtf?

          1. Many older buildings have steam heat and radiators. You can open or close the radiator, but that’s it. Typically apartments are very warm – it is routinely 75-80 degrees in our apartment in the winter, and we often open a crack it to cool it off. When I visit my family in the south at Christmas I freeze because it isn’t 75 degrees inside. The upside of this is you don’t pay for heat in your utilities (at least not directly). I also do not know a soul who has a garbage disposal or central air, and when we bought our own coop and got a fridge with an ice maker it was extremely exotic. NYC has very strong tenant protections, and there are literally rules about when buildings have to turn on the heat, minimum acceptable temperatures, etc. I don’t know anyone who is too cold in the winter – it is always the opposite.

          2. I can’t speak for Manhattan proper but, a few subway stops away in Queens, I control my own heat and have central air. I believe it’s fairly common with newer buildings.

          3. Central heating is actually a kind of ingenious system, and many radiators were literally designed after the last pandemic to overheat a room in the winter to enable leaving the windows open for air circulation, to create a “healthier” indoor environment. The history of the system is pretty fascinating. On your part, having an old-school central boiler makes your implied heating bill *significantly* lower than it would be otherwise. Nowadays you can also work with a plumber to install a temperature control nozzle on each radiator…

            Also, having central air conditioning in a multi-unit building can be unspeakably miserable if you wind up with neighbors who smoke.

    5. I’ve never lived anywhere other than NYC, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Think about what kind of commute you want to have, and what you plan to do on your weekends. Pick a neighborhood that aligns with your weekend priorities without being a terrible commute. Spend at least a week here getting to know the areas you are considering living in, and try to see them during the day, evening and weekend, because everything changes. Do not live in midtown or financial district — they are empty and depressing on the weekends. Pick a neighborhood with a vibrant weekend life that suits you. Some neighborhoods have a very… 23 year old with first jobs vibe. After commuting on public transit all week, you may have limited interest in commuting for fun on the weekend. Your friendships and dating prospects will also likely be geographically limited. When I was dating, any guy who lived in an inconvenient area had a higher hurdle before I was willing to meet them or see them again (I ended up with a BF in an inconvenient area in the end though!), because spending 1.5 hours on the subway for a date sucks. Walking everywhere is the norm, and almost no one has a car. I’m a native Brooklynite so that’s my bias, but Manhattan is ok too.

      1. My now-husband moved in with me *very* quickly because we were over an hour away from each other on the subway.

      2. God this is so true about dating. I live a ways out in Brooklyn and dated a guy (briefly) that lived in Inwood and i just couldn’t deal. OP, I think the advice to think about where you will want to be on the weekend is very good. i would consider casting a slightly wider net for neighborhoods. I’m a little older but i still think some of the nicest places to live are outside Manhattan – Brooklyn is popular for a reason! Western Queens neighborhoods like Astoria & Long Island City are very convenient to Midtown too. Also the groceries are better and prices for everything are slightly lower the farther our you go. If you like theater most of the nonprofit theaters have discount programs for people under 35, and young donor programs that are pretty affordable (if you are making 100k). Museums probably do too.

        1. Brooklyn is better if you work downtown, uptown/queens is better if you are working in midtown (commute wise).

          If you expect to have a washer dryer in your actual apartment you will most likely need to look at very new developments (or get lucky with something), but almost every single dry cleaner/laundry place will wash and fold and deliver your clothes for a totally reasonable cost.

    6. Sidewalks should be treated as roads and people on them as cars. (Pull over if you need to stop, no making abrupt U-Turns, etc.) People walk briskly. If you want to dawdle and look around, or need to pause and get your bearings, stay over in the “slow lane.”

      An empty or near-empty subway car is empty for A Reason.

      1. Omg yes the empty subway car. Still grateful to my local friend who kept me from entering a feces-smeared one.

    7. Ooh, I love this question!

      These are the major ways I think New York and especially Manhattan are different from suburbs and smaller or western cities:
      – You really don’t want to have a car. You can get almost everywhere you need to go on public transportation, taxis, or walking. And it’s really not worth the hassle and expense of parking unless you have regular business outside the city that requires it.
      – You’re going to walk A LOT
      – If you’re interested in arts & culture, this really is the place to be. There is so much to see and do, but it’s up to you to take advantage of it. Sometimes, we can get lazy about going out to see performances or exhibits, because it’s always available. My husband still regrets that he never saw Les Paul play guitar. He had a standing gig every Monday at a jazz club, and it just always felt like something we could do sometime, but we never made the plan. Don’t be that guy.
      – New Yorkers, contrary to popular opinion, aren’t rude. We’re all busy, and tend to be in a hurry, but we’ll give you directions if you’re lost, hold or open a door for you if your hands are full. But we won’t stand around talking about it. We’ll just do the nice thing and keep moving.
      – There is no other place like NYC to experience people from so many cultures. Don’t limit yourself to Manhattan for cultural experiences, because you’ll miss out on some amazing things.

      I came to this city straight out of college 30 years ago, and I love it more all the time. Covid has wounded it, but we’re coming back, hopefully better than before. <3

    8. I lived in NYC for 8 years and then left for a new job. I agree with a lot of the posters. Something that might not be obvious to first timers is how LONG it can take you to get across town. Like, coming from Brooklyn it could take me almost 2 hours to get to Columbia if it was late night or whatever. Just know in advance to save yourself the pain and get an Uber. Also, laundry in the unit is not really a thing – try hard to get a place with laundry in the building at least because the whole wash & fold thing is a hassle and wears out your clothes really quickly. Zipcar is available and I wouldn’t advise keeping a car in the city. Nowhere else competes with the energy of NYC in my mind, enjoy it! Definitely get out of your neighborhood and see more of the city.

    9. Congratulations! Have fun. Go to the apartment therapy website and look at the section on small spaces in New York City. Cull your personal possessions. Donate half of your clothes and most of your furniture. Get great walking shoes. Sell your car. Be prepared for life to cost a lot more. You may have to reduce your retirement savings, savings, investments. You may have to eat less. Not kidding. Make a list of your goals, including cultural experiences. Write yourself a letter about how excited you are to make this change and everything you are hoping to experience. Read the letter whenever you have a bad day in New York or a bad week. Then go walk over to Donburiya, sit at the bar, order some great Japanese comfort food and make friends with the other people who had to move to New York.

      Good luck!

    10. The cool free and cheap things (a lot of theater rush where you wait in line, any free concerts) you can do in a smaller major city (like DC) are sadly not worth the effort in NYC. There are just SO many people, that they are often overrun.

      Grocery shopping is either expensive or a PITA because you’ll have to travel to the cheaper store and walk or public transport it back.

      Geography is determinative. Upper West Side and Upper East Side are further from each other than you think.

      I lived in NYC for a few years in my twenties and enjoyed it. I love to visit. I say go for it! But, as a person without family ties there, I’d have to make ALOT more than I make even in big law to live there permanently.

  3. Appropos of the question above, I’m a native Californian (Bay Area) considering other US states for retirement for a variety of reasons, including our new fire season. One of the things that scares me about other places is extreme weather that means you can’t sit outside for a large part of the year because it’s either too cold or too hot. I have a patio that is basically my outdoor living room and I spend a great deal of time out there, as well as enjoying outdoor activities away from my house.

    Do any of you live in climates where this is possible? I have a sister in TX and it seems like every time I go see her, whether it’s April, June, or October, it’s too hot outside and we sit inside in the a/c, which I find depressing on a beautiful sunny day.

    1. No advice, but commiseration and looking to leave CA for the same reason. Last year’s wildfire season was really, really hard and I’m anxious for the red flag warning in my area this weekend.

      1. It was so hard. We had a high fire danger alert earlier this week and I swear I had PTSD. I’m in the inner ring of the Bay Area so I should be safe but who knows, and it’s just the entire experience of living through the poor air quality and knowing so many people lost their lives/homes that is traumatizing.

        Every year it seems I have one more friend or friend of a friend who lost their house, all their photos, etc.

        1. I feel the same. Hunkering down in my apartment with the apocalyptic smoke outside while my parents evacuated their house and the pandemic was raging while fearing the fires in our area would lead to us evacuating next was something I never want to go through again.

        2. I must be made of stone, I evacuated from last years fires and it didn’t make me think of leaving at all. Don’t get me wrong, it’s horrific and terrible, but I’m just numb to it/still seems better than hurricanes? (I moved here from the south where those were a constant threat)

    2. I mean, every second person I meet in TN has moved here from CA in the last 3 years.

      1. Fellow Nashvillian. There are so many people moving here from California, it’s getting kind of ridiculous. It’s actually created a real issue for local homebuyers, because they can’t compete with out-of-state buyers who have cashed out of their very expensive homes. I’d sell my house in a heartbeat to capitalize on the appreciation, but have nowhere to move.

        1. Nashville fails your summer requirements (and it’s insane here with all these transplants).

    3. I’ve lived about third of my life in CA and the rest in a bunch of other states, including some that are very, very cold and some that are very hot. I liked the ones that were cold because you could always dress appropriately and still be active outside. I HATED living in the hot ones because it was so miserable being outside no matter what you were wearing or what you were doing for a large portion of the year. Also, it was freezing inside because of AC, so I could never dress appropriately and was colder in the summer than in the winter. There’s nowhere else like CA where it’s just nice outside all the time (except for fire season), but whether you’ll be happy living somewhere else probably depends on your tolerance for heat vs. cold and how active you like to be.

      1. +1 to “nowhere else like CA where it’s nice out all the time.” I also have lived in a bunch of other states as a child and as an adult and in the end, the weather/lifestyle brought me back here. I really dislike the cold (I’m not really an outdoors person to begin with, but when I lived in cold places, I turned into a hermit, which was terrible for me) and I also hate humidity. So pretty much coastal California is the only place with weather I could tolerate. That said, the fires/floods etc are pretty scary. We had to pass on several great houses because of the fire risk and no availability of fire insurance. In the end, though, I love it here, my family is here, and I doubt I’ll ever leave the state. The QOL is worth all the tradeoffs for me.

    4. In North Carolina and just spit a deck or patio on the north side of your house. Maybe with. Pergola and a fan.

    5. I’m not going to try to convince you to move to Texas. But, I’m in the Dallas area and I’d say we have about 5-6 months of good weather when it is nice to sit outside during the day or in the evening. Let’s be honest: June through September are brutal and while you learn to handle being outside early in the morning, it’s hot. February is usually cold. But I think March, April, October, and November are generally great. And we also have a lot of days in the 60s and 70s in December and January.
      I also think that what we consider hot or cold has a lot to do with what you’re used to. I start thinking it is hot outside when it gets over 90, but it’s cold out if it’s less than 50.

    6. Hawaii but it’s $$$$$. Otherwise maybe somewhere like North Carolina, but away from the coast to avoid the worst of the impact of hurricane season?

      1. I was thinking the the Carolinas or Virginia but west, where you’re in the mountains/foothills. It’s still going to get cold, though.
        Maybe Sante Fe or Flagstaff? Flagstaff gets snow, though.

        1. Santa Fe gets snow too. It is cold and (often) windy in the winter; it is essentially a mountain town. Elevation is around 7000, depending where you live. It has lots of good things but patio living in winter is not included.

    7. I live in Ohio and you’ll see people in shorts the first time it gets to be in the 50s. You acclimate to the weather and it can be pleasant to sit outside when the weather is in the 60s and sunny. Some people use fire pits to keep warm in the cooler evenings. I see people outside from April – October. It can get hot and humid here in the summer, but that’s what umbrellas and cool drinks are for.

      With what happened in Texas, I would not want to live somewhere that isn’t capable of handling snow. It can snow heavily, but there is infrastructure to support it and roads get cleared regularly.

      1. So, not in the USA, but I came from the Medietrranean to Canada 12 years ago and acclimating is a real thing. I really experience hot and cold differently now than I did before (this kicked in 3-4 years in). But I think that, to acclimate successfully, you have to brave the hot or cold on a regular basis, even if that just means walks in parks, even if only certain times of day, not stay cooped up indoors.

        All this to say – I think if OP really wants to move, she should treat is as a relationship. Everything will be different, decide what aspects of the weather and climate are true dealbreakers, what is great and what is cost of admission and pick the place where the mix of all of these is best for you. Don’t expect that any state will be like your ex state and trsut you will aclimate to a degree.

    8. Unless moving to Hawaii is on the table, I think you’re going to have to make some tradeoffs in terms of weather. There really aren’t any places in the contiental U.S. with weather as nice as California’s. It might help to know what you want to avoid most–snow, rain, extreme heat, humidity, bitter cold, etc? Without knowing more, options that come to the top of my head include Denver, Santa Fe, Flagstaff, Pacific NW, Cape Cod, or Asheville, NC.

    9. It’s funny because most people would not associate Chicago with nice weather, but April, June, and October can be very nice here. It’s more that it’s unpredictable. It could be 40, it could be 80. You have to live through the winters, but the springs, summers, and autumns are lovely and it’s like a different city.

      1. STRONG disagree. In chicago, it’s really only pleasant to be outside on a patio 2-3 months a year, and another 2-3 where it’s suitable for some bundled outdoor walks or shady porches. Expect deep snow on the ground for 1-3 months straight. There’s a reason Chicago is so much cheaper than LA or San Francisco and it’s because it’s a great city with AWFUL weather.

        1. +1 I went to college in Chicago and then GTFO and never returned after I graduated. A professor once told me that it’s truly a 6 month living season (at best) there, and that was 100% true. It’s too bad because other than the weather, it truly is an amazing city.

    10. In the DC area we use our deck every month except Nov-Feb. March starts to get dicey but my husband took a space heater out there and used it as his home office. You have to be able to tolerate the pollen in spring and humidity in the summer, but we actually have a fairly temperate climate. Summers aren’t as hot as the South and winters aren’t as bad as the Midwest/North. If you didn’t want a big city, a place like Charlottesville or Richmond is similar.

      1. NYC and same. Agree that March is dicey but that’s when I start going out there to clean up and get ready for The Season. Mine is shaded for part of they day and I’m impervious to heat so I basically live out there June-September and use it a ton April-May and October.

      2. I’d agree – and even for some days in November, it can be possible to enjoy being outside.

        I hate humidity, but I have gotten a little more used to it, and find that July is really the worst month for weather. June has some hot days, but there are still plenty of days where it’s bearable to be outside. Same for August. July, it can feel like the sun is trying to murder you.

        I grew up in the Chicago area, and winters here in DC are so much easier. And after the past year, I would bet a lot more employers will be amenable to teleworking on bad weather days (I’m a fed and in my group, you could telework if it was snowing or icy, no questions asked, even before 2020).

      3. I am a native of SoCal transplanted to Richmond. The weather here is vile. Winter is too cold and wet to enjoy just being outdoors, but not cold enough for actual useable snow. The only ski hills within day-trip distance are not at a high enough elevation where it really gets cold enough to make snow. If you’re lucky you can get marginally acceptable skiing conditions one or two weekends a year but it’s terribly crowded. Nobody here knows how to drive in the snow or on ice and governments don’t have adequate equipment to plow and salt the roads. One inch of snow, or even worse an eighth of an inch of freezing rain, will close schools for a week.

        Summer is not so hot as a SoCal summer but is unbearably humid. Mosquitoes are on the rampage from April through October. (I grew up thinking mosquitoes only lived in the mountains. Silly me. We have zero actual mountains in Virginia but more than enough mosquitoes to make the entire world itchy.) Every non-paved surface is covered with vegetation teeming with Lyme-infested ticks. There are thunderstorms all weekend every weekend in the summer. And guess what? We have tornadoes too!

        It’s nice for five minutes in spring and another five minutes in the fall. That’s it. There are plenty of things to like about RVA (no traffic, decent arts and food scenes, low COL, not crowded), but outdoor living is not one of them. We lived in the Northeast before we moved here, and I’d say the Northeast is far superior to the SEUS for outdoor living.

    11. I live in Southern Arizona, and can sit outside all day about 6 months a year, and another 3 months for hours in morning and evening. Plus hiking, biking, etc.

    12. I live in West Virginia and it’s really nice for most of the year, especially in places like Lewisburg and Fayetteville which are also both super cool towns. Even when it gets hotter in the summer it always cools down at night, and for most of the winter you can sit outside around a firepit. Added bonuses: it’s a really beautiful state with tons of outdoor activities and the cost of living is so, so low.

    13. No place in the continental US is going to have weather as good as coastal California. Having said that, the mountains of North Carolina are pretty nice most of the year. It might snow/get cold, but you are talking a few weeks a year not months on end. The problem is the pollen in the spring and the heat/humidity in the summer, but they are not as bad as it gets further south.

      To be clear – it is not as nice as CA but I think it is about as nice as you are going to get. Just be aware that outside Asheville, the culture shock will be strong so be sure you know what you are getting yourself into. Maybe rent for a year before you buy!

    14. I can’t believe no one has suggested New Orleans yet! Octobers are so nice here!

      Haaaaaaaa. Kidding, obviously. I daydream about moving to southern CA all the time just for some tolerable weather.

    15. Honestly, this is so specific to you and what you consider “too cold” or “too hot” temperature wise. I live in Miami, and I run cold, so I personally think it fits the bill.

      But if you are searching for a location, that doesn’t get to 90s in the summer, that’s a likely no for most states in the southern part of the United States. But, I also love that in Miami I can wear shorts and sandals 24/7 and averaged temperature in January is 80. But, I have no idea if you consider 80° too extreme.

      Lastly, I would suggest Tampa, Orlando or the Space Coast in FL which are about 10 degrees cooler than Miami.

    16. How about Reno? It gets cold at night in the winter, but is otherwise pretty manageable.

    17. Michigan here and it’s really quite lovely. April through October are usually pleasant enough to be outside just for the fun of it, and if you like winter activities the rest of the year is great, too. No hurricanes, and any other severe weather is usually limited in the geography it impacts. It’s definitely not identical to California weather but I feel like our weather extremes are far less severe than much of the rest of the country.

  4. Thank you to the poster who recommended “Paperback Crush: The Totally Radical History of ’80s and ’90s Teen Fiction” the other week. I got it used and am really enjoying it (about 1/3 of the way in). It’s going to be my lazy-sunday-porch-read this weekend.

  5. I know we internet sleuth everything and everyone, but I just learned from a colleague that my boss and the colleague were curious about my spouse so they googled him and where he works, and googled my new house and what we paid, etc. I know the info is out there. Just finding it creepy and have felt unsettled about it ever since colleague told me. I didn’t know how to respond in the moment.

      1. That’s the bigger red flag than doing it! I think many of us do this and it’s NBD. I occasionally google myself so I have a good sense of what someone can find out about me online and through public records.

      2. Yeah that’s the same thing for me. If I internet creep on someone I would never tell them!! Though occasionally I will get a note from someone responding to a notification that I viewed their Linked In profile, but that is ok with me.

      3. same. I have looked up my boss’s house after getting something that had his personal address on the return label but I would never tell him. I was curious how nice his house was.

    1. I’d feel the same way. That being said, I recently found out my 13-year-old googles every teacher she has, in order to find out their political party and where they live. She’s insatiably curious and wants to know everything about everyone (sort of like myself). She tells her friends the info she finds, and they’re impressed with her researching skills, rather than thinking it’s weird. My point is that this googling has become such an ingrained part of the culture that it seems ubiquitous.

      1. Yeah, this is not weird and never has been. It is weird to tell the subject of your searching that you’ve done it.

    2. Ok people I’m just telling you now, if you let everyone know you just bought a house, I’m immediately going to Zillow and not only looking up the price you paid, but I’m also looking at all the realtors’ pictures of every room. Even if you don’t tell take the address, I’m finding that sh1t. Sorry/not sorry.

      1. yeah it’s not hard if you buy under your legal name. It’s public record. It might take a month to upload but it is out there.

        1. Because people are naturally nosy. Why does this upset you? Are you ashamed of how much you paid for your home?

          1. Not snobby at all. Usually the reverse. Like- “can you believe they pay him enough money to afford THAT.”

        2. I don’t understand how you don’t understand. Here in So Cal, at least, real estate prices are, like, the main topic of conversation at all times. True story: One time years ago I as at lunch with a bunch of people from my law firm, and a summer associate from out of state. During a brief lull in the conversation, the summer associate said “Wow — do people in Southern California ever talk about anything other than real estate prices?” And we all looked at one another in great confusion and said “Uh, no!”

          1. Well, yes. And I have an anecdote about that, too. Once I saw Garrison Keillor live at the Greek Theatre (many years ago before we all found out how horrible he really is IRL), and my favorite joke of the evening was “When people get together in L.A. they always spend the first ten minutes talking about how hard it was to get there!”

        3. I’m nosy but also always looking for my next house so I want to know how much things cost.

          I also have an old house so just to be really honest, I’m looking at the pics to see if they’re getting a nice new house with a huge master bath and walk in closet so I can be jealous.

      2. Yes! Absolutely, no shame. Buuuuut…I’m not going to tell you I did it? That’s just weird.

      3. Right, but who then tells people you did it?!? I can see googling someone but telling them to their face that you hunted down what they paid for their new house is WEIRD.

    3. Thanks for posting this. It caused me to Google myself and I found out someone is impersonating me on Twitter.

  6. Cat owners, I need help. My 18-year-old cat, has, for the past few weeks, been pooping outside the litterbox. To be exact, he’s doing it in the middle of our living room floor. It is driving me bonkers because a) it’s gross, and b) I can’t figure out why! The box is clean, and I haven’t changed litter brands or anything like that. I don’t have a good reason to believe it’s health-related because kitty had his checkup a month ago and is ridiculously healthy for a geriatric cat.

    HELP. I am going to lose my mind. I have tried blocking that area (hasn’t helped; he just goes right next to the blockade); isolating him in the room with his litter box (that didn’t work, either, he just waited until I finally opened the door). What should I try next?

    1. Given that he is so old I would consider a vet visit or at least a call. Something is up — and things can change fast with older cats.

    2. Move his litter box temporarily to his new favorite spot, then slowly move it back, maybe 6” a day, to the place where you’d like it to be. Keep the box scrupulously clean, changing litter out pretty often and scooping any time there’s pee or poop in it.

    3. Definitely call your vet, although there is a possibility you may have to accept that this is part of old cat life. I have a 13 year old cat (so really not that old old) and this is just what he does sometimes. He’s been seen by the vet multiple times, all the bloodwork, yadda yadda yadda. This is just him now. I love him, so I always wear slippers in the house, close the doors to all the rooms of the house, have a lot of Ruggables, and watch where I walk. Shrug.

      1. My cats (bro littermates) are 11 1/2 and I am not looking forward to this!

        My one cat sniffs the floor a lot and tries to bury … nothing? Air? For kind of a long time, he’s very fastidious about his imaginary poo. I figure he’s picking up on some scent that ended up on the floor (who knows how, we wear house only slippers 95% of the time) but I’m worried that one of these days he’s going to take it as a sign that it’s ok to do his business there, and that’s going to be a bad day for me.

        1. My cat does this. He has the bury instinct but doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s just confused.

          1. Yeah I was kind of halfway thinking senility. This is the same cat who will stare intently at a spot on the wall for like 10 minutes at a time, which made our teen think he was seeing ghosts.

    4. This is a signal that kitty has a health problem. I would go to the vet. My cat also passed checkups just fine. When she started having consistent litter box problems, I paid for some scans. She had tumors in her lungs and kidneys. As she was 18, we said goodbye.

      1. This. Mine urinated outside the box (behind the bed in a spare room where she liked to nap). Turns out she had cancer and it wasn’t being picked up in normal scans. We said goodbye not long after – incontinence is distressing for cats and we felt it wasn’t fair to her to let her suffer through treatment (she HATED the vet).

    5. Take him to the vet and bring in a recent (~24 hours but the more recent the better) stool sample (just put it in a sealed plastic bag) so that they do not need to go into him to get it…

      1. Yep, bring a stool sample. Also consider getting a low-side / easy entry litter box .

    6. Seconding calling the vet, but I also used paper bags to cover the “likely” areas that my cat would poop while we tried to get to the cause. She would happily poop on the bag and it saved me the grief.

    7. The Tidy Cat Litter Breeze system uses these pee pads that go under a tray in the litter box. Could you put the pee pad in his favorite pooping spot and see if he poops on that? Would be much more sanitary and easier to clean up. I recommend that specific pad because they are made for cat litter boxes so it shouldn’t disturb their inclination to use the bathroom there.

    8. He needs an exam at the vet. He most likely has an issue that is making elimination painful.

    9. Thanks, all. I will have him visit the vet again. Hopefully it’s just old age, but who knows. In the meantime, I’ll try the suggestions of paper bags/pee pads on those areas. At least it’s easier to clean.

    10. Make sure to clean the spot with an enzyme cleanser (I think Kids’n’Pets is best in class). There needs to be zero scent left, not even to a cat’s nose, and other cleaning methods generally can’t achieve that.

    11. Please let us know what you find out at the vet. I have a similar problem with my older cat (she is 11) but she pees AND poops outside the litterbox. We brought her to the vet and ran a lot of tests, but they found nothing. We’ve had no choice but to make her an outside cat, because she wouldn’t stop the behavior. Luckily we’re in Florida and this works for us climate-wise, and we are not on a busy street (not that she really goes anywhere other than the porch).

  7. Paging Anon from this morning who chimed in about Alaska.. or anyone else familiar with Alaska. I have family there who got there via working on the pipeline in the 50s and never left. They came from the Dakotas. My first cousins are native Alaskans.

    So here’s my dumb question. My cousins have a classic Midwestern accent. I figured it was because their people came from the Midwest originally. But since then I’ve noticed that every Alaskan I’ve met has what I would call a Midwest accent. Or maybe at this point it’s just an Alaskan accent. Most notably in the last 15 years, Sarah Palin.

    Why would this be? I can imagine a variation on a Canadian accent, or maybe even an accent with some native characteristics, but I’m just a little stumped. I literally can’t tell my Wisconsin and Alaskan cousins apart on the phone!

    1. Back when Palin was running for VP, NPR did a short piece about her accent and speech patterns. I think it they interviewed a linguist who studies the distribution of American accents, and basically he said that yes, Alaskan accents have similarities with Midwestern American speakers, so it’s not surprising that someone who is playing up the “folksy” aspects of their natural speech (as Palin tended to do) might sound like someone off of Fargo (the movie). I will see if I can find the link.

      1. Here’s the link to the NPR piece: https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95306504

        And here’s a link to the Wikipedia page for The Atlas of North American English, which is mentioned in the piece and was co-authored by Labov (the linguistics prof in the NPR piece). https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Atlas_of_North_American_English

        Note that The Atlas was published in the mid-2000s and the bulk of the research was conducted in the 1990s, so there may be aspects that are a little dated. I haven’t stayed up on this field (though I find it fascinating!) but I imagine the explosion of digital media may have shifted regional speech patterns, though the effect would likely be strongest among young people (Gen Z).

        …Probably more info than you wanted but hopefully it’s helpful :)

        1. Interesting! I have links waiting in another reply, but yes, a major migration to AK from the Midwest would help explain the regional speech patterns. The linguistics work that I am (vaguely) familiar focused on what and where the major patterns are, not so much on why. I know there are sub-regional patterns as well — my sister-in-law and her husband lived above the Artic Circle for a few years (worked in rural schools), and the kids they taught definitely sounded different than the Palin-variety of AK accent. But that’s getting into a whole other level of specificity and away from your original question, sorry for the tangent!

    2. You are correct and I don’t really know why, although my Wisconsin cousins definitely sound more Wisconsin than I do :) At least in the part of Alaska I’m from, there were a lot of people from the Midwest or at least a few generations back were from the Midwest.

      1. I’m a native Californian so maybe I can’t distinguish easily between Wisconsin and Minnesotan/Alaskan accents! I note my cousins say Wis Gaaahn Sin and my Alaska cousins say the same.

    1. Ok honest reply. I know bold large patterns are popular again but those things are really hard to live with long term. I grew up in a 1970s rancher with wild patterned wallpaper on one prominent wall and a groovy linoleum pattern in the kitchen, and I always felt something like motion sickness around them.

      When I moved into my first apartment I had to beg permission to peel that stuff off the wall. By then it looked very, very dated, and removing wall paper is a big deal.

      I don’t know how hard it is to paint over a stencil and really have it not show through, but don’t do string like this without careful consideration for how you will undo it.

      1. How hard is it to paint over a stencil without its showing through? The answer is impossible. When we bought our house, there were stenciled murals that had been painted over and still showed. No amount of sanding would flatten them.

    2. I’ve done it but it takes a while to stencil – fair warning. Check out Royal Design Studio (webs!te) for an awesome selection. I think she also posts tips.

    3. I’ve done some subtle wall stencils (think beige on yellow). The bolder ones I’ve never been satisfied with–there’s always some leakage or imprecision that drives me insane. Remember to use acrylic paint (like the cheap .89 cent bottles from Michael’s) instead of wall paint — that also makes a big difference.

  8. Has anyone done a lashlift? I have the straightest eyelashes and hooded lids and for some reason as I age, my lashes won’t hold a curl anymore.

    1. I have! Super easy, gentle. It didn’t work for me because I also have hooded eyes and my lids just droop too much/are too heavy for my lashes. But give it a try!

    2. Yes,
      I do it a couple of times a year (for holidays for example) and I love the result. Also I tinted them at the same time. It is super subtle, people know you have don something but cannot point out exactly what.
      Depending of your lashed it last from 2-4 months. It is recomended to let the lashed rest also.

  9. Can anyone share how long it took them to clear conflicts as a mid level associate for a lateral offer? My background check is done, but my conflicts are dragging and meanwhile I keep getting piles of new work from my current firm. And for personal reasons, I need to give notice ASAP, so I can transition by the end of the month.

  10. I received an offer for a lateral associate position at a competing law firm. We did not discuss compensation at all before the offer. The offer is acceptable, I’m just unsure if I should negotiate. I have in the past failed to do so and then later learned associates who had negotiated were making over $10k more than me. It’s not about making every cent possible for me, I just don’t want to be treated unfairly. Any advice?

    1. Of course you negotiate! Go on over to askamanager dot com for great tips and encouragement.

      1. Yes! I don’t understand all of these lawyers who don’t want to negotiate. Isn’t this basically what the job entails?

    2. Always negotiate! The worst that will happen is that they say no. There is like less than a 0.01% chance they pull the offer for that reason and if they did it would be such a huge red flag that you shouldn’t work there.

    3. You don’t say if it’s biglaw but I would expect to come in at the same salary as my lockstep peers. The negotiation is whether or not you take a cut in your class year rather than the salary in that case.

    4. Update for anyone interested, I searched on Ask A Manager per Senior Attorney’s suggestion, and used one of her scripts for negotiating a higher salary. It was well received, though they need to get authority before accepting. Also, I convinced myself to do a 20 minute Peloton ride at 9:30pm after sitting on my butt all day, and am super proud of myself! Friday Win!

  11. Has anyone here moved (or thought about it) to a different state based on end-of-life considerations?

    Based on family history and comorbidities, my husband is very likely to develop early-onset dementia. We’re currently caring for his third relative with Alzheimer’s (diagnosed at 52) and he is adamant that he wants the option to end his life before he gets to a certain level of decline.

    Our current state only cares for the bodily autonomy of fetuses, so we would definitely need to move. WA and OR are top choices.

    Per crunching the numbers, I will need a fully remote job to make this happen. We don’t have the money to retire before he may start to show symptoms.

    1. I haven’t seriously had to think about it, but this is one more thing keeping me in in California (in regard to the poster above- the weather isn’t the only benefit of living here and that’s also something to thing hard about before moving somewhere cheaper). I haven’t looked carefully into the details- is your only option really to move before he’s diagnosed or shows any symptoms? I wasn’t aware of any forms of dementia that were 100% likely to be inherited, but maybe your question is missing context or he’s done genetic testing? Otherwise you’re still usually only talking about a 50% chance, so think hard about preemptively uprooting yourself if you don’t have to. I’m sorry, this is hard.

    2. Not sure about the places, but I have a terminally ill spouse for a different reason, and my understanding is that people with Alzheimer’s may not be able to make the arrangements he wants to make, because they aren’t of sound mind. Even if they’re made in advance. You may want to check this out before you move

    3. What a terrible prospect to face. I’m so sorry.

      How quickly does this progress? It seems as if there ought to be some period of time after the diagnosis when he’ll still be competent to make his own decisions. If you don’t enjoy living in your current state and you would be happier in WA or OR, then move. But if you’re happy where you are except for the end-of-life considerations, why not just gather information now and be prepared to move quickly if and when it becomes necessary?

      If you are concerned that his time is limited, is it possible to step back from caregiving responsibilities for other relatives so you can enjoy your time together?

      Also, has he discussed this with a good therapist familiar with these issues? Have you?

    4. I am so sorry you are having to think about this, but you are not alone. This was certainly something my parents considered before settling into their final retirement location, even without a known health concern. Ultimately it didn’t work out for a bunch of reasons, but they strongly considered OR and WA for this reason.

    5. We have discussed the same, should we be diagnosed w/ a terminal illness or even in really old age.

    6. I’ve thought of moving to a different state based on medical needs. Sometimes it’s possible to consult a specialist like from far away as a sort of one time thing, but for ongoing care I’d need to live close to one of the specialists who treats my condition most successfully. It’s hard when I have nothing else drawing me to any of those locations though.

      1. + 1. I researched moving to a lower cost state for retirement, but realized I would not have access to the specialty I need.

    7. I’m a palliative care doctor in Washington. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s medical history — that sounds incredibly harrowing and heartbreaking. I want to be very clear though that dementia (even a confirmed diagnosis) should not be a reason to move to a state with legalized physician-assisted death. People with dementia are not eligible to seek physician-assisted death because dementia impairs their decisional capacity and their ability to self-administer the medications, so you would be uprooting your life for nothing. In every state that allows physician-assisted death, the patient must have a) full decisional capacity and b) a life expectancy of less than 6 months. Instead, I would also recommend some really scrupulous advance care planning. A physician at University of Washington created a dementia-specific advance directive that you and your husband might find useful: https://dementia-directive.org/
      Happy to discuss this in more detail if you have additional questions, or check out the organization Compassion & Choices, which offers counseling and guidance to people seeking physician-assisted death. Just post again on Monday and I’ll look for it.

      1. I was going to post the same thing about CA – he unfortunately wouldn’t qualify with dementia. Definitely look into Compassion and Choices – they’re a wonderful org.

      2. This is such a great reply. I love this community.

        I am also fascinated by your work, JDMD. I did graduate work on Alzheimer’s and strongly considered moving into law as a result. I ended up in health tech but am keeping an eye out for ways to move back toward end of life memory issues.

  12. I need to buy new casual spring/summer clothes and do not know where to start/look. I used to be stylish and to love shopping. Now I’m 40, have 5 years old twin, intense busy job and have zero interest in spending an afternoon shopping for clothes especially with COVID. I have not bought much within the past 2 years. I like to be somewhat fashionable but I have been living in lululemon leggings for the past 15 months and I am tired of it. I would describe my style as classic with some boho inspiration.
    Are there any blogs or websites that you could suggest? All the blogs/Instagram on my radar are identical: either it’s Chanel bags, white tops and Golden Goose/Veja or mom jeans & tie dye. There has to be something else ( admittedly I own Veja’s sneakers and too many white tops).
    I’m 5.7 and around 135 pounds. I usually shop at JCrew, Anthropologie, Club Monaco, BR and Aritzia but I was browsing their websites and nothing sparks joy.

    1. I just paid $39 for this spring capsule wardrobe from this web site on a lark and I was really happy with it. Turned out I had most of the pieces already but the capsule comes with links for the pieces in a variety of size ranges and price points. https://youreverydaystyle.com/ Plus I like her podcasts. Nothing super cutting edge but I like it (and I’m a J Crew/BR/Club Monaco lover, too).

    2. I feel the same way. Retailers appear to be offering more of the same and with less variety or range of styles. I’ve noticed that not much I see online at the stores you mention sparks joy, and so much of my wardrobe is also br and anthro. My style is also classic / bohemian. I used to like shopping and adding fresh new items to my current rotation, but I’m not in store shopping, and what I see online is not my style, or simply something I have already. I have also lost around 20 pounds over the past year and many of my current clothes are too big and I need some new casual things that fit me better. I don’t mind wearing my old clothes which are now looser or a bit oversized (the ones that were more fitted before weight loss are essentially looking like the oversized pieces I see online now — ha). I’m eager to purchase new items and have not had much inspiration. I’m waiting until I go in store shopping to see if I have more luck ( I receive my second jab in the summer) I’m waiting for fall to buy more interesting and substantial items. I’ve been back at work since September 2020, so as things are wearing out, I am starting to really want to replace items. I’m waiting out this ‘dry’ retail season for now. As things improve, I may venture to shop in person (go to store first thing as they open) and buy a few items as quickly as possible. Masks are mandatory in all public indoor spaces including stores where I live and many people I know are occasionally in store shopping when they need something.

    3. You might spend some time on Pinterest looking at capsule wardrobes for work. That could give you a checklist of what to add.

  13. I interviewed for a short term contract position (8 months) in Europe this morning, they told me they want the hired person to begin in June. This is a position I applied for last year during lockdown, was scheduled for an interview and then it was cancelled. About a week ago I got an email saying they would now interview for the position since the project will finally happen. I was to go back to Europe where I live before the end of May but some things have come up and the trip might be mid June or later–I am waiting to get my 2nd dose of the COVID vaccine and I need to finalise some other matters before I travel. I did not mention that I was overseas during the interview today. The interviewers are asking everyone to send an email next week to state if they are still interested in the position. Taking the job would also require moving to a different town for these 8 months, the team indicated they are on remote work only until June 9. I asked about remote work or a hybrid mode i.e. partly remote, partly physically present to start and they did not seem receptive. Given these tight timelines should I respond next week and say I am still interested in the position? I think not responding would mean I would no longer be in the running for the job, so if things change on my end and I travel earlier then it would be too late. At the same time I am hesitant to say I am not interested because there is also no guarantee that I will be selected as the finalist. Thoughts?

    1. You’re interested, tell them as much. If they select you, you can negotiate a temporarily remote start.

    2. I’d say keep going with the process until/unless it becomes clear it can’t work.

    3. I´m in Europe and restrictions are moving each two weeks, in some countries companies where returning to presential last September and they later move to this spring and finally to next Sept. Others returned to office last July.
      In that circunstances I will apply bcs they do not really know they could back to presential at this moment.

  14. My book deal was announced today! Planning to have some takeout and a nice beer (or three) to celebrate tonight. Feels absolutely surreal. I had no idea any of this would go anywhere, and somehow I now have a two-book deal.

      1. I’ve always enjoyed fiction writing but had fallen off the bandwagon after college. I decided to get serious about it again a few years ago, and after a few stops and starts I ended up writing a romance manuscript because I wanted to prove to myself o could do it. I shared it with some writing buddies I made through diving back into fan fiction during the pandemic; they said very nice things about it; and I decided I might as well see if I could go anywhere with it. Signed with a literary agent, did one round of very selective submissions to publishers, and ended up with a book deal. Like I said, surreal!

      2. I’m happy to share more about the nuts and bolts of the process, if that’s what you were looking for ?

        1. I’m fascinated, so whatever you’re willing to share, I will be interested in! I do SEO copywriting by day, and have dabbled in sci-fi, but haven’t had the guts to put myself out there.

  15. I’m a palliative care doctor in Washington. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s medical history — that sounds incredibly harrowing and heartbreaking. I want to be very clear though that dementia (even a confirmed diagnosis) should not be a reason to move to a state with legalized physician-assisted death. People with dementia are not eligible to seek physician-assisted death because dementia impairs their decisional capacity and their ability to self-administer the medications, so you would be uprooting your life for nothing. In every state that allows physician-assisted death, the patient must have a) full decisional capacity and b) a life expectancy of less than 6 months. Instead, I would also recommend some really scrupulous advance care planning. A physician at University of Washington created a dementia-specific advance directive that you and your husband might find useful: https://dementia-directive.org/
    Happy to discuss this in more detail if you have additional questions, or check out the organization Compassion & Choices, which offers counseling and guidance to people seeking physician-assisted death. Just post again on Monday and I’ll look for it.

  16. I posted within the past week about how I’ve been single for 3+ years and how I just matched a guy on an app, we had a 75 min phone call last Sat. and an 80 min video call the next day. Y’all said it was time to meet and see if there was chemistry. I internally agreed and started getting hopeful and looking into meeting places halfway between our homes (since we are 90 mins apart). Here’s the follow up: About an hour of banter through texting on Monday morning (which was his 42nd birthday so I initiated that by wishing him a happy birthday and it led to the chat), and he mentioned his mom was going to be visiting him Tues-Thurs morning. Tues afternoon I sent him a quick text. no response. I figured nothing about it. Nothing Wed, nothing Thurs, nothing Fri. from either side. Around dinnertime tonight, I sent him a text, “haven’t heard from you in a while, taking the hint. Really enjoyed our conversations, super hope you find the person you’re looking for :)” I figured that, if I was misunderstanding the silence, he would correct me, if he remained silent, that would confirm. It’s been 7 hours and nothing. We are still matched on the app.

    I guess I got ghosted.

    I’m confused.

    I truly believe that anyone who ghosts like that is self-serving and rude so if this is who he is, I’m glad it didn’t go further. I’m just surprised he’s this way as he didn’t seem the sort and I’m feeling stung and a bit sad having gotten my hopes a bit up.

    Just wanted to share the update.

    1. Yuck, sorry. Sounds terrible. Why are people like this? I had an experience similar to yours with a guy named Robert who I met at a networking event. He was married. He lived on the East Coast to pursue his dream career. His wife lived on the West Coast. He made me feel like we had so much in common. He pushed me to spend more time speaking with him on the phone. Then, poof! He went radio silent.

      I found his wedding announcement online. His wife’s Facebook indicated that they were very married. The honeymoon album had some really questionable judgment for posting publicly sexy poses that made me wish it was okay to admit to anyone that I sleuthed this guy’s wife’s social media so we could laugh about the pictures.

      When a mutual acquaintance reached out, I asked him if he had met Robert’s wife. This eventually led to unnecessary drama. However, a lot of people now just front that they are in open relationships or that they chest on their spouses. Robert was a cheater.

      Years later, I worked with Robert’s long time girlfriend (following his divorce). They broke up because he cheated, repeatedly, habitually, with many people. I was stunned.

      It also seems like somewhere else in this weekend thread people are talking about how it us still not okay to admit you looked someone up online.

      1. I agree. Men like this just want to see if you would be available for quick s-x, without commitment. It has nothing to do with anything other then selfishness. I got similar reactions from men I meet around town, and when they see I am freindly and pretty, they think I will be an easy mark to pull my panties down for them. I have gotten smart with guys like this and do not enjoy having do wash my sheets of their sperm, but never hear from them again. So now, I do not have s-x until I am confident they will call me back afterward, even if they do have to go the next morning.

    2. That stinks but I’d consider reframing – he’s an absolute stranger because you’ve never met. He might have been just as much of a ghoster if you had, but since you do not know each other, it’s not reasonable to expect much. You imagined a relationship based on some video calls that he’s not actually in. The only way to make online dating work is to use it to source people and meet in person ASAP. I’d also suggest that a 90 minute commute just isn’t going to work to get a relationship off the ground. I’d consider limiting your geography to a more local to you area.

    3. That sucks and I’m sorry. I agree with meeting someone in person early and one advantage of that is not falling for someone’s made up personality crafted through online messages. Chin up. Next!

    4. IDK I think I would’ve expected to not hear from him during his mom’s visit & maybe he needed a day to decompress after? You didn’t have actual plans that he didn’t show up for & you’re still matched on the app … some relationships you hit it off immediately & spend every waking moment together & others take longer to develop (& sometimes the longer development ends up being more stable and you can both have some balance/lives outside of each other).

      1. Update again… about 26 hrs later, he sent a text that he was sorry, he’d had a crazy week, that he wished me the best too. I responded about 45 mins later (when I saw it) that now I was confused about whether I’d misunderstood the silence. Then I went onto the app and he’d unmatched me. So I texted again that I had been planning to ask if he’d wanted to talk to clarify but just saw he’d unmatched me so I guess the crazy week wasn’t the same as having lost interest, that I had enjoyed getting to know him, best wishes. SOOOOO weird.

        Unghosting to reghost.

        As if that’s what I needed.

        Also, his profile talks about how he prioritizes kindness. Not sure how ghosting someone is kind, so either he doesn’t get that it isn’t or he needs to update his profile.

        Lastly, I had done the research, no record of any marriages or divorces, he’s in the same smaller profession as a dear friend who’d never heard anything bad about him, so he seemed like a safe bet. I HAD planned to meet him as soon as his mom had left town, likely this weekend. 90 minutes is nothing as I work remotely and love long drives (cross country road trips, etc.) so, though my proximity in the app is set for 10 miles and we only matched as he was nearby for a work thing, I wouldn’t have minded the drive had it been a good fit. Our last text exchange was Monday and almost an hour of banter, so there was no weirdness apparent.

        I’m just going to assume that he isn’t someone who prioritizes others’ feelings and, as I require a partner who thinks about my feelings, he mustn’t be the right partner for me and it’s probably good I didn’t spend more time with him. Glad I didn’t shave my legs for this!

        1. “Around dinnertime tonight, I sent him a text, “haven’t heard from you in a while, taking the hint. Really enjoyed our conversations, super hope you find the person you’re looking for :)” I figured that, if I was misunderstanding the silence, he would correct me, if he remained silent, that would confirm”

          Just wanted to say, that if I were him in this scenario (and I would be, I’m a slow dating chat texter, often getting caught up in work and disabling banners etc), I would interpret your text as you telling me you’re no longer interested. I would silently think “what hint? I’ve been busy, we hardly know each other yet”. So I would have unmatched because you told me you’re not interested and I wanted to respect your choice, and then been weirded out by the follow up idea that I should have wanted to clarify.

          I’m not saying that’s how he is or how he thought, but just wanted to say that we slow-responding-people exist. :) It’s not better or worse in terms of getting to know people, I think, just a different style than yours. I think you’re spot on in terms of framing this as a good thing to find out early, there is no need for you to spend energy on people who make you stressed or feel bad. Dating should be about finding people who get you and makes you feel good! I hope you have better luck with the next guy, and that you find somebody great (and worth shaving your legs for!).

        2. Woah. He was with his mom who was visiting when you sent him a HBD text, which requires no response. I wouldn’t have expected him to text me the entire time his mom was visiting, especially considering you hadn’t met yet and you aren’t in a relationship! That’s not my idea of ghosting. He unmatched you because you texted him later skater! IMO you read something into the silence that you didn’t have facts to back up – if I were him, I wouldn’t have fallen all over myself to correct you after that. I don’t think he did anything wrong here. I think you made assumptions that were wrong and he didn’t feel like dealing with it given you hadn’t even met!

        3. What if you jumped the gun & weren’t ghosted the first time at all? Possibly this guy thought after receiving your goodbye text, “hmm, she can’t go three days without a conversation when she knows I have plans with my mom … that’s too much to commit to this early in a potential relationship.”

        4. I am sorry this happened to you, but I think you may have handled this wrong. Your two last text messages are essentially flounce posts announcing to him how he feels and your resulting departure. I think it’s not unreasonable for him to have not responded to a throw-away text from a stranger while his mother was visiting. (Maybe he feels awkward or rude casually texting with a potential date he hasn’t even met when his mom is around.) Your very next text was an announcement of your departure. You didn’t give him room to explain or just pick things up even if he wanted to. He may have been put off by that and didn’t want to deal with the drama of an explanation and asking forgiveness etc. He may have decided you are too high-maintenance and just cut his losses quickly. I am sure he is missing out, but next time I think you should make room for an explanation and realize not everyone is focused on dating all the time – like when their mother is visiting. And some people just don’t treat every text as a summons.

          1. So it turns out a friend agreed with y’all and said something to me about it last night, so I texted the guy once more and said that, after talking with a friend, I felt I owed him an apology. I said that I’d not really dated in 4 years, I’d really enjoyed our conversations, and I’d actually found a hiking spot halfway between our homes. Said I had expected to hear from him shortly after his mom left and took it personally when I didn’t, though I now realize I didn’t communicate that expectation nor was it fair to expect. Said that maybe he was already over it but I wanted to apologize and explain in case there was possibly enough potential to speak again but that, if not, my apology stands and I wish him the best.

            It’s been 16ish hours, no response. I deleted him from my phone. I’m going to take this as a sign that I need to learn to communicate my needs better, to ask for clarity rather than to assume, and to be proud of myself for speaking up when I felt wronged as well as for apologizing when I realized I was most likely wrong.

            Thanks All for talking through it and for being gentle in calling me to the carpet for my mistake!

          2. You need to leave him be – he definitely is weirded out now (I would be if the tables were turned).

  17. Got to hold a copy of my 2nd book for the first time yesterday. It comes out this month. I can’t believe I get to say that! I already have a book deal for a 3rd and am trying to get a 4th set up (just need some reviewers of the pitch who actually read the details instead of the ones who reject it with feedback that is factually inaccurate with the info in the pitch itself).

    It’s nice to feel proud of myself.

  18. What is a summer version of something like a Stegman clog? I like the support in my clogs, but they are too hot for warmer weather.

  19. Well I did it. I pulled the plug on my work wardrobe. It’s been sitting in my closet collecting dust for over a year and I’m permanently WFH for the rest of my career (I’m on my retirement glide path.)

    I jettisoned so much stuff. I kept about 4 full business outfits and a few separates for things like meetings and conferences, but honestly in the last few years before the pandemic, even those things were leaning pretty casual. I think I will be able to get by with a nice blouse and slim pants for those and not need the full suit or jacket and sheath dress getup unless I’m speaking.

    I have always been hesitant to get rid of “nice” things, like things I paid a lot for, because I always have this depression era mentality passed down from my grandmother to my mother to me – what if I don’t have a job or money someday and really need this? Well, I’m there today (I have money but less of a job than I used to) and I still don’t need that mm lafleur dress that never fit right.

    Hopefully someone looking for a work wardrobe at goodwill is going to have a field day

  20. She MET him about 2 years ago after his divorce. That is a lot different than she has been haveing s-x with him for the last 2 years. I would hope that she did not immediately jump into the sack with him. She sounds more rational then that. FOOEY!

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