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I never thought I'd be interested in wearing dresses with pants again, ever — it can feel like the look belongs to certain eras (versus a style statement that is evergreen), plus as a shorty (and a curvy one at that) it can be hard to make the proportions work. But when I saw one earlier this year in a Nordstrom newsletter, I immediately wanted it — even though it was a turtleneck. I haaaate turtlenecks.
I also couldn't find the one illustrating the newsletter, so… fine. (It may have been this one.) But I keep coming back to the idea of it! I could see it being cute with kick crops and boots, or skinny jeans (as shown here), or even the Spanx faux leather leggings (as shown here). So I'm delighted to find one that's a V-neck, as well as an adjustable slit.
This one is even affordable, which means it's going in my shopping cart — I might even try it in the taupe, pictured. (Naaah, I'm totally getting the black. It also comes in a cream color.) It's $88, and available in XS-XL.
Some similar options at other price points: this turtleneck is only $29 and has a more manageable above-the-knee length, this long-sleeve cardigan from The Range is $225, and Saylor has a number of cute sweater dresses with more modest slits for $180-$290. (I feel like my search skills are failing me here — have you seen other sweaters with high slits like this?)
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Cornellian
This looks like 1999 to me, but I am sort of intrigued by how warm she must be…
anon
This is such an odd look, imo. I honestly don’t remember seeing this in the 90s, lol.
Anon
It was more early 00’s but I think it was mostly an occasional celebrity wearing it. Nobody was dressing like this in my high school, though I knew it was a thing from magazines.
Anonymous
There were at least a couple of girls at my high schools that wore things like this circa ’01-’05, but the pants were bootcut/flares.
Anonymous
I’m seeing Trinny from What Not to Wear (UK) in it in my mind, so that was early 00s, right?
Cat
not THAT early – I want to say 2003-2004 – but in any event once was enough!
Anon
Yes, this feels like a pop star with brown lipstick and strangely spiked/gelled hair to me.
I wore all the ’90s trends the first time around and don’t need to wear them again. I’m half flattered, half “OMG how I am old enough for this?!” that all the kids are reviving “our” styles already.
Cornellian
Yeah I think part of what makes it look so ~2000 is the color!
Anon
I read that as “1099” and was wondering what a sweater had to do with her being self-employed…my brain is clearly overly occupied with my year-end tax problems.
Anon
Same, girl; same.
anon
I think it was a bit later (like early 2000s) but this reminds me of both (1) the weird dress over jeans trend that was around the red carpet for a bit and (2) those super long cardigans that were in around the same time…
AIMS
Followed by the super short cardigans.
pugsnbourbon
Oh I had a super-long cardigan in … must have been 2001-2002. I remember wanting one SO BAD and finally finding one at Kohl’s on mega-clearance. When I started seeing them come back in the last couple years I was perturbed.
Anonymous
for those of you still putting on makeup or feeling polished while WFM, how are you doing it? (typing this in my PJ top and workout leggings – meant to shower but didn’t)
Cat
my level of effort is directly proportional to whether I have any video calls that day. Track Changes doesn’t care if I’m wearing mascara :)
anon
I just do it? Getting ready (shower, minimal hair/makeup) still makes me feel ready to tackle the day. If I don’t, I feel gross and schlubby, and it doesn’t do anything good for my mood. Also, my makeup routine is pretty quick (5-10 minutes at most).
Anon
I just do my standard daily look, which is eyebrow pencil, liquid eyeliner, and lipstick.
Takes like five minutes in the morning and then I am good all day except for the occasional lipstick touchup.
Anonymous
+1 to a five minute daily look
Anonymous
I force myself to be on camera for almost every call (which I would never do without makeup.) I’ve got a good little routine going in the AM now!
Speaking of routines: one of my favorite WFH luxuries is a relaxing midday shower on Fridays (Fridays are the suckiest/busiest but I typically do not have calls after 1230p.) No such luck today- but I’m bottom-half-sweatpants at the moment, so, a partial win? Lol!!
anon
I throw on cream blush and mascara after I pull my hair back. Takes one minute max.
anne-on
I have to shower in the mornings or my brain doesn’t wake up. And I wear sunscreen every day anyway, so spending another 5 minutes putting on a bare minimum of makeup makes me feel more like a functioning adult. I do blush, eyeshadow, mascara, and then boy brow. I have a stash of lipsticks sitting on my desk that I’ll use periodically, the Dior clear lip glow is fantastic and my usual go-to, but the lipstick queen ones are also great though harder to find in my preferred shade (‘jean queen’).
I lay my clothes out the night before and tailor them to my day the next day (I wear jeans almost daily but will default to joggers on rough days). On top is usually a blouse, nice button down, or a sweater as we’re a ‘camera on’ firm. Every now and again I’ve got a client call and need to wear a blazer but that’s very rare.
KS IT Chick
If I know I am going to be in a meeting with my camera on, at least powder and blush with some neutral lipstick. Between the lighting in my office and the poor quality camera on my laptop, I look like a corpse otherwise.
Anon
IMO the most common mistake on WFH video calls is garish extremes.
My plain boring black yoga pants look perfectly professional from the angles and distance my webcam can capture. The people who stand out are wearing neon basketball shorts or paisley Lululemon or what have you.
My hair is half up and half down, so I don’t look humorously bald, but it hides dirty roots and sleep creases. Ridiculous frayed top knots a la Pebbles Flinstone are the problem.
A quick dab across my T-zone with a blotting sheet makes my face camera-ready without an elaborate double cleansing routine (I do that at night).
A swipe with a wet washcloth to clear away eye and lips crusties, slick some tinted balm on my lips, and I’m good to go.
Cornellian
Strategic, I like it.
Anonymous
lol WFH not WFM. Not sure where M is.
Anon
Mars? :P
Vicky Austin
I work for a company that does almost no video calls and my strategy is to work it into my morning ritual. I play my favorite fifteen minute news podcast and spend that time sprucing up for the day. Sometimes I put on makeup, some days I just put on sunscreen. Either way, I’ve probably at least thought about my hair!
Tea/Coffee
Similar to PP’s… I just do it, but “it” is definitely specific to WFH.
I will put on a little eyeshadow.
Hair is either up or down, but I realized early in 2020 that zoom (with blur) can’t tell if my straight, fine, shiny hair is wet or dry. So, air drying all the way.
I keep a dark sweater or lightweight blazer on the back of my chair. Any (old maternity) ribbed tank looks great when topped with something collared!
I keep some… i guess it’s translucent powder? At my desk if I need to take some shine off.
Easier in summer, but I’m a big fan of dresses. Coworkers can’t tell if i am wearing a $5 old navy dress or a $5 old navy tee, but it makes a difference to me :-)
Anon
I don’t always do it, but I know if I find myself still in pajamas and bedhead at 3:30PM I will be miserable, so I usually motivate myself to do it after I eat some sort of breakfast.
I have extremely dry skin so I shower only every other day. Either way, a complete getting ready session involves washing my face, applying a series of facial products (mist, serum, moisturizer, undereye stuff) then doing something with makeup. My standard makeup is one or two bobbi brown eyeshadow sticks, mascara, tinted moisturizer applied with a brush, cream blush applied with the same brush, and brow gel. I put balm on my lips as part of skincare, but if I’m going to be on a zoom, I put some sheer lipstick on right before that.
If my hair is wet from the shower, I blow dry it after makeup. If it’s not a hair washing day, I brush it and assess what needs to be done. Sometimes it’s just fine after brushing, sometimes the sides need to be clipped back or up, and sometimes the whole thing needs to be pulled back and up into a claw clip.
Dressing has been a series of very soft stretchy jeans or pants on the bottom, on the top = cami, blouse or long sleeved tee, then a sweater, hoodie, or jacket over. I skip the blouse if I’m wearing a pullover style sweater or hoodie. And to be very detailed, I haven’t worn a structured bra in a minute. I’m all about the Cosabella curvy sweetie bralettes now, despite being a larger cup size (I share Gillian Anderson’s sentiments about bras at the moment.)
Shoes are honestly my slippers (Birkenstock shearling lined clogs) unless I’m leaving the house, and sometimes even then. Things have slid around here during the pandemic, that’s for sure! I used to be a shoe ho, now they’re collecting cobwebs in my closet.
This is permanent for me. I’m not going back to work in an office for the rest of my career (self employed.)
Anonymous
Just want to highly recommend a product called Best Skin Days, which is a hybrid moisturizer/foundation and is PERFECT for Zoom. It feels good on my skin and gives me just enough polish to feel confident about Zoom. I don’t always wear makeup and don’t think anyone is required to, but this is really my holy grail product.
anon101
Check out Merit Beauty, everything you need for simple no-makeup daily look. I almost want to get rid of everything I had in favor of this simple clean beauty routine!
Cornellian
Has anyone here used NuvaRing and lost their period?
I used it from about 18-25, and just returned to it. I’m pretty on top of my cycle, but my period hasn’t started, and i’m not getting normal cramping yet, either. I thought that was more common with IUDs (which I have had, and which have never made me lose my period).
Anon
Are you using it continuously (new one every 4 weeks) or taking a week off before you put in the new one? I’ve been using it for about 15 years and the last 10 or so I’ve used it continuously most of the time. I take a week off maybe 3x per year. I get a very, very light 2-3 day period on those off weeks, but the rest of time I don’t get anything at all.
Anon
I should add that my doctor seems to think this is normal, but I haven’t asked about it explicitly. Several have said it’s fine to use continuously and when they ask me the date of my last period, I just tell them I’m on the nuvaring, and they say okay, sure and don’t ask any further.
Cornellian
Good point, I should have clarified: I’m taking it out. I have done the continuous wear in the past, and got my period maybe 48 hours after removing, so I expected the same this round. Thanks!
Anon
To go in a different direction from the usual “I only have 2.5 million in my retirement account,” how many of us were impacted by the lockdown? I don’t mean “I paid my cleaning lady for 18 months to stay home” or “I used credit card points to rent a private villa at a resort so I wouldn’t have to be with a crowd.” I mean, unemployment, rental assistance, EIDL, PPP, moratoria…
I am self-employed. I thought I had a broad representation of clients in different fields that would provide diversity. Ha! I lost 55% of my GROSS income, while my expenses stayed the same. I ended up with rental assistance, unemployment, EIDL and PPP. It’s been HARD. The stress… Not knowing when I can go back to a client, not knowing if a client can re-open (and need me again), not knowing if my clients will survive themselves, not getting new clients because they don’t have enough business themselves… Employees at clients who KNOW what I’ve gone through being completely tone-deaf in their conversations with me.
At least I already had a frugal life style before… but man, it’s hard and I’m tired of it.
Cornellian
My job was stable, but my now husband’s company went under and he made maybe a grand here a grand there 5 times for a year and a half. He had previously worked for himself for years and liked it. He filed for unemployment after literal months of cajoling, and I picked up basically all his expenses even though we were dating and not living together, but he was not doing well. He’s now at a full-time employee position and I think he’s lost the self-employment bug totally.
For me the pandemic PTSD was full-time single parenting a preschooler while also working full time. Which is to say, I worked from like 4-6 AM, distracted parented until I forced my kid to sleep, and worked the second shift after dinner. I did nothing well and I hope my kid isn’t messed up for it. I was obviously very lucky to be able to mostly work at home and have a predictable income, but I don’t think most (especially single) parents to young kids will ever be the same.
Anon
I like how you talk about having to work while caring for kids like it’s in the past. We’ve had eight days of childcare since Thanksgiving. The last few months have been worse for many parents than March-April 2020. At least then everyone was in the same weird boat. We And I worry about the damage to the kids too.
Cornellian
I think for me it’s less stressful now, honestly, because I have a live-in partner. It’s fundamentally different than doing it alone. School opens and closes (we’ve had good luck the last two weeks and had no known cases) but it’s like 30% as stressful than 2020, even though he was at home for 9 straight months. I still do most of the parenting but at least there’s not the worry about what would happen if I got sick or hit by a bus or something.
Anon
That makes sense, and I’m sure it was insanely hard as a single parent in 2020. But I feel like the overall situation is worse now. In spring 2020 the whole world was shutdown and people understood that parents were splitting their attention between work and kids. But now everything is open except schools and daycares and parents are supposed to be giving work their undivided attention but we don’t have any childcare for our kids, and we also have to deal with all the big emotions and behavioral problems that come from the constant shutdowns affecting the kids.
Cornellian
Yeah having most people in the same boat was (perversely) helpful, for sure.
Anon
I can’t imagine. I’ve had seasons of financial stress, there’s something about it that is draining and grinding in a way that’s different than any other type of stress. I love to read, and I remember at the time living in such an affluent area that the library had gone nearly all virtual (?!), and all I wanted was a ridiculous, fluffy romance novel to take my mind off things, and they didn’t have any, and I couldn’t afford to buy one. I will never forget the stress of not being able to afford to buy a paperback. I’ve remembered that time often during the last two years as so many have struggled.
Anon
My husband is immunocompromised and had to quit teaching. His entire career, down the toilet. He is in mourning and has no idea what he wants to do now. He was doing ESOL tutoring online, but China’s policy changes in July took that away. The standard “no experience” or “get hired on the spot” jobs (retail, Uber, etc.) are too risky for his health. I am working three (remote) jobs to keep us afloat.
We never made a ton of money and we stash what we can, but we always took some comfort knowing that he had a teaching pension. Now we can’t even count on that amounting to anything, since he has a good 20 working years left. We’re in our early 40s and have less than $350,000 between us for retirement.
Cornellian
Oof, I’m sorry.
Hyacinth
Ouch. Maybe your husband will find more hope for remote jobs (administration? customer service?) after he has grieved the loss of his teaching career.
Even if you can’t contribute large amounts, whatever retirement funds you have now will increase over time. Hopefully it will be at least two decades before you need them.
If you have bandwidth, reach out to the Well Spouse Association to find fellow/sister travelers on this difficult journey. This internet stranger is wishing you strength and some happiness.
TDS
IDK the details of his background, so I don’t know how useful this suggestion will be but I like the job listing site highered.com. It’s geared towards college/university professionals, but maybe there would be something that would spark an idea or that he could transition to. I have also seen remote tutoring jobs listed there for companies that also do K-12 — for example smartthinking, tutor.com, or brainfuse. Low pay for these tutoring jobs but perhaps easy entry (though who knows these days with other teachers also looking for at-home work.)
If his teaching license is still active, also check out careers at “Pearson online academy” or “Pearson connections academy.”
Hope things get better for you soon!!
Anonymous
Huge hugs, that’s so hard for both of you.
Maybe not helpful but maybe it is: Has he looked into gig work for Fiverr or as a virtual assistant? or Teachers Pay Teachers or the like? If he went into it with dedication and a plan i’d bet he could make 10-35k his first year, maybe more…
Anonymous
I don’t know how much of it was truly pandemic and how much was a convenient excuse for my company to get rid of one of the higher earners of a certain age, but my job was eliminated in July. It came just a few weeks after I had an outstanding performance review and raise–this was a job I had expected to spend the rest of my career at (I left a very stable position to take it and had been there about six years already and my level of commitment was such that I went on a sales call the day after my dad died). Anyway, I was struggling to find something else and got diagnosed with cancer in the meantime. So I ended up taking a huge pay cut and latching on to the first fully remote position with a decent title that would take me. (So about 12 weeks between jobs.) The health insurance has ended up not being what I was expecting (I was told it was BCBS is widely accepted, but apparently that’s only true in the region of the U.S. where the company is headquartered) and the marketplace had only HMOs or wanted $2,200 a month with a high deductible for me and my husband to be able to stay with my current care team. Thankfully I hadn’t quit COBRA. So I’m now looking AGAIN while working this difficult job for little pay and no decent benefits. And praying I don’t need to do chemo (had surgery already–most people take off 6-8 weeks–I took off 3 days because I was so new at new job and didn’t want to lose it). I feel like I’ve worked my tush off all of these years and was a high performer and am just lost on how I ended up here. The worst is that my old boss checks out my profile on LinkedIn about once a month. I hope it’s because he feels guilty. He should.
Sorry to unload. But I have to say that feels so much better to finally get off my chest. They made me sign a separation agreement where I can’t disparage them and because I’m looking again I’ve kept the cancer thing mostly under wraps in my circles, so IRL very few folks know all of this.
Anon
“I was told it was BCBS is widely accepted, but apparently that’s only true in the region of the U.S. where the company is headquartered”
THIS EXACTLY happened to me at my new job! The healthcare is garbage, and I’m still steaming over it, because I would have pushed a lot harder for more money had I understood that aspect. I was excited to move into a job with higher pay, but I spent almost that same amount in healthcare last year due to needing some diagnostic tests and a minor surgery (new job was 14k more money, spent 12k of it on medical bills for 2021).
Anon
I think this is going to be real issue with remote work going forward, as lots of companies optimize provider networks in their local area, and people working out of state can get screwed. In an ideal world, this would lead to a single payer system with no networks, but not optimistic. It’s just so ridiculous that your healthcare is tied to your employment, because you’re most likely to lose it just when you really need it. I’m so sorry, OP, dealing with health issues in this system is really hard, I wish you the best!
Cornellian
That’s an interesting point I hadn’t thought of before. I have gold plate insurance WITHIN Texas, but if I were working remotely… i imagine things would be a lot more expensive.
No Face
This is something I would not have considered when evaluating a remote role. Good to know!
Curious
Anonymous I can’t imagine coping with cancer with that on top. You’ve been so kind to me. I hope to heavens you don’t have to have chemo. Your scans were delayed, right? Please keep us posted.
Monday
I’m a health care provider. My income has been stable, but my relationship with my last employer was ruined. We did not feel the hospital cared about our safety, and the messaging (especially at the beginning) alternated between “you’re our heroes, you are going to keep civilization functioning for all humankind” and “you’re lucky to even have a job, keep your head down and your mouth shut.” I left on a really bad note, and others are following.
Anonymous
I took 2 PPP loans that made me nervous (I don’t like debt), but they helped at the time. Really grateful they’ve both been forgiven.
NW Islander
My mom has advanced ALZ (wheelchair and hospital bed bound) and my dad is severely immuno-compromised. He is her primary caregiver. I was a close 2nd caregiver until he got super COVID paranoid with Omicron. He has also fired all paid help for fear of contracting COVID. He is old and frail (down to 105 pounds), and my mom falls onto the floor at least once per week now. He won’t allow me or others to come into the house, even to help get her off the ground. Instead she stays there – sometimes overnight – until he manages to lift her. If I was to call adult protective services, my entire family would disown me.
I live alone next door and I feel like I am watching my house burn to the ground. COVID has rendered me totally helpless. I wish I could talk to my mom or hold her hand…or his hand. He will not let me near either of them. This will not end well. Nobody can get through to my dad, not even the doctors.
Oh and neither of them have a will or end of life directions. My years of suggestions re: estate planning were an insult to their egos.
Anonymous
This is horrible. I’m so sorry you are in this situation.
Anonymous
Call adult protective services.
Anon
+1
roxie
you would rather have your mother on the floor overnight with no help than risk getting “disowned” by your family? Absurd. Call their bluff. You already claim you can’t see your mom – you have nothing to lose here.
Anonymous
Posting very late in case it helps anyone feel less alone – I work for a theater so this has been huge in my field (and in the arts in general). I am very, very lucky that I have a full-time, permanent salaried job as a fundraiser, and the particular kind of fundraising I do was least impacted by the pandemic and some of the only money the organization I work for had to run on last season. Even so, I had a 5 week furlough and a 5% pay cut last year. My husband is a teacher, so very stressed out by the pandemic, but not negatively impacted financially. We’re lucky to be in a position where we could absorb these income losses pretty easily, but about 10 years ago we were in a very different situation. (My husband’s college teaching career imploded just before Lehman Brothers tanked in 2008, and he was unemployed for most of the next few years). It is very stressful and exhausting to be watching every penny, and I hope things get better for you soon.
Anon
I’m more in your boat than that of the retirement savings braggarts. My retirement savings are basically OK because i did the corporate grind for a looonng time before hanging out my shingle, but in 2021 I did qualify for a subsidy on my healthcare, thank you Obama. I haven’t claimed any other pandemic benefits but I was very happy to know they were there!
I totally feel you on the clients. The reason I’m self employed now is that my former employer laid me off! But fortunately they are still one of my on-again, off-again clients. I just lost a contract I really liked a lot, but I knew it was project work going in. It’s really hard to always be hustling for the next gig, especially when no one is really meeting face to face. I really expected to get 99% of my leads from industry conferences, but they’ve all been virtual for the last two years! It’s not the same.
Anon
Other than seasonale and taking the 21-day pills of a 28-day pill regimes all the time and skipping the 7 blanks (which never works out with insurance upending it unexpectedly), is there anything else (not IUDs) that are OCs that are designed to skip over the whole period thing? For Reasons, I am resuming them but once I get on, having periods that are avoidable will just totally annoy me (and I still get bad cramps, despite 2 kids).
Anon
I just replied above, but this is how the nuvaring works for me. I just keep it in for 4 weeks instead of 3 weeks (which reduces the insurance issues) and after a year or two I stopped getting any breakthrough bleeding (which was always pretty light).
Cornellian
+1 that’s what I did for a long time. You can do 3 in and 1 out if you want a period, or 4 in and 1 out if you want a period and are on a budget, or 4 in followed by immediately replacement and 4 in if you want to not have a period.
I know there are some issues with NuvaRing and the generics if you’re over a certain weight, and they don’t advertise that issue well, so maybe check that out if relevant to you.
Depo
I get the depo shot quarterly and never have a period. It was life changing for me.
ollie
I take Lo Loestrin and have gotten a (very light) period maybe once a year since I started taking it 10+ years ago. It’s a known benefit of this pill.
Anon
I think the skipping a week for periods was designed when the bc pills were first invented just to make the whole thing seem more “normal” and “feminine”. There’s no medical need for it.
Anon
I just read an article in The NY Times about how Gen Z is more period positive and into always talking about it and using more sustainable products, which I think is great, but I also spent the whole time wondering why most people are wasting their time and money dealing with it at all. I recognize that hormonal birth control isn’t a great option for everyone, and not everyone wants to get an an IUD, but it’s sort of weird to portray it as something everyone just has to deal with for 40 years, when lots of women I talk about this with definitely don’t.
Anon
One thing I loved about being pregnant and after for a while was NO PERIODS. Periods are the devil. Nothing but a constant high Advil drip makes life bearable then.
Anon
My period was so bad that I:
— never did ROTC b/c I couldn’t do PT every week due to severe camps and GI symptoms
— never did sleep-away camp as a kid
— ruled out Peace Corps
— and probably a million other things where having a horrible period that you couldn’t really time (I didn’t get the hormonal BC aspect of it until I was in my 20s; I am usually smart but missed the non-BC aspects of BC other than knowing it was good for acne).
I hate periods. Loathe them. I don’t get kids these days who are into it. Maybe they are people who have short mild ones?
Anonymous
The kind of IUD that stops your period is hormonal. I think “period positivity” is silly (it’s a normal biological function that is to be tolerated, not celebrated) but I think there needs to be some honest messaging about how terrible hormonal BC really is for many, many women. There is still far too much pushing of hormonal BC on women by men and by health care providers, and virtually zero acknowledgement that it can cause weight gain, depression, and a host of other issues that can have a serious impact on women’s quality of life.
anon
Yup, this. While I am so very glad that BC exists, I have had many problems with it, in different stages of life. The most recent was going back on BC to even out my hormones/reduce endo symptoms. I still had all the problems I had previously, but with an extra 10-15 pounds to show for it! I am so mad that I gave in and agreed to try it again as a 39-year-old. I knew better.
Anon
Flip side though is it can be pretty fantastic. I went from debilitating periods to barely having to deal with them, never had a pregnancy scare, to now getting through menopause with barely a symptom. I’m sorry hormonal BC didn’t work for you, but it should be easily and readily accessible for those it does work for.
Anon
My body and mood doesn’t do well on the pill at all. I was surprised when I learned that it was safety tested relative to pregnant women, not relative to healthy adult women who aren’t pregnant. I was never relying on it for birth control, so that really changed the risk/reward calculus for me as an off-label treatment for conditions that could really benefit from more treatment options beyond the pill. So I couldn’t agree more, and I feel that I wasn’t given full and accurate information when it was first prescribed to me.
anon
Word. I tried going on BC to stop my periods. It did not turn out well for me, but I envy those who can do it!
Anon
I have the BC implant (largely cause IUDs scare me) and haven’t had a period since the first few months. But I also didn’t have a period on estrogen only pills, so YMMV.
Anonnymouse
I’ve had the implant (Nexplanon) for several years and while I have less frequent periods, I still get them occasionally. This year, for instance, got 7 periods instead of 12. However they tend to be pretty light.
Flats Only
This will sound mean and will depend on your weight, but I found when I was heavier my body would try to establish its own cycle despite the continuous pills. I lost weight and that stopped. So perhaps either lose weight or get a higher dose pill.
Seattle Freeze
Amethyst is an oral BCP specifically formulated for continuous use, with no spacer pills or weeks between packs – each pack has 28 active pills. I was on it for years with no spotting and switched to it from another generic oral BCP because I was experiencing breakthrough bleeding. Amethyst had a slightly lower estrogen dose than what I was on before.
And then I rolled straight from the pill to menopause, lol, so still living a period- free life.
Anon
This is hideous and looks like something I would have worn in middle school. Absolutely hideous.
Anon
In middle school I went through an aqua pleated jumpsuit phase. I should have saved that for 2022. I wore mine with aqua heels. Gotta love New Jersey.
Anon
Oooh that sounds fabulous.
Anon
Did you have your Sweet Sixteen at the Brownstone?
Anonymous
yeah, but fashion is cyclical?
anon
I know it’s a cliche, but I have started a weight loss plan because things have gotten Out of Hand in the past two years. I did some rough calculations of where I might be and when, assuming I lose 1 lb. per week. This is gonna take awhile. Sigh. Any tips for toughing it out / keeping my spirits up while I work on this long-term but not very fun goal?
anon
I highly recommend the book Ditch the Diet, I read the book, implemented her suggestions and easily lost like 10 pounds in 2019. Then I got pregnant and couldn’t lose the baby weight after so I signed up for her 28 day transformation program (search for fit feels good 28 day) and honestly it’s been life changing. My whole mindset around food, exercise and health has completely changed for the better. I don’t count anything (calories, macros, whatever the latest trend is); I eat a lot of whole foods (a TON of vegetables), am more mindful about my portions, cut back on drinking and have kicked the snacking out of boredom habit and developed a regular exercise habit. I had a goal of losing 25 pounds and have lost over 35 with what feels like very little effort after the initial 28 days (which was real work and a kind of shocking wake up call about my health and choices) but more importantly, I feel incredible in my body, my clothes fit so well/I’ve had to size down a lot, I have arms that (humblebrag) look super hot and I actually enjoyed shopping for bathing suits last weekend (!). I sleep better, my skin is clearer, I have a much healthier relationship with food, I garden a lot more….I could go on about the non-scale victories. I don’t feel deprived or like I can’t eat anything that I really want to. I’m not on a diet, I just actually have a healthy diet these days and I really really love the way it makes me feel and look. Cannot recommend enough.
Anonymous
So what is the thesis of this plan? That all sounds great, but what is the catch?
anon
There is no catch. It’s a habits based program. For the 28 days there’s a full meal plan (complete with weekly shopping lists) and exercise plan that includes streamed video exercises. You have lifetime access to those materials. At the end of the program there’s an option to join a year long subscription to solidify the habits which includes a really large workout library and lots of recipes, including weekly meal plans/shopping lists but there’s no real pressure to join and lots of people seem to have long term success without joining the after program. The program really cements the habits she outlined in her book. The book was enough for me pre baby but after baby I needed a bit more handholding and structure.
Anonymous
I have only read the sample of this book, after seeing it book recommended here a few times. It’s not for me, so I didn’t buy it. The sample doesn’t foreshadow a plan, but according to one of the Amz reviews, the plan is the normal stuff: “make sure half your plate is veggies, get sleep, meditate, don’t drink, eat it all but eat way less of it, prep and plan ahead and exercise consistently”.
That is a normal plan for any diet or lifestyle shift, so I think it all comes down to whether you click with the author’s style or premise. I didn’t recognize my life, body, views or social environment, and found her writing style painfully peppy and somewhat insulting. But I also hate listening to group instructors at the gym, I don’t get motivated by somebody shouting positivity to me, and I know a lot of people truly love that style and genuinely do get motivated and inspired, so I think it’s just a mismatch of temperament and style.
Whatever style works is the best style and the best plan. I think that if you do feel that you are immersed in diet culture, or stuck in a diet culture world, it’s the most likely that it’s a good match with the style in this book, based on the sample – would really recommend to read that bit do decide. In my daily life I don’t think I hear about anybody’s diet more than maybe once every month or two, max, so for me that’s not a defining issue.
OP – do you have a rough idea about how your pounds equate to clothing sizes? Can you measure your success in “getting new jeans” as well as pounds? Not because one size is better than another, but because it’s important to look and feel good at all the intervals in your journey. Can you budget for some new bras and outfits at maybe two or three month intervals? Getting new stuff is more exciting than fitting into old stuff.
anon
Totally fair on not loving the tone (I get it’s not for everyone) and agree, there’s really no groundbreaking advice from the perspective of vegetables are good for you, you’re probably overeating, etc. are all things that most of us know are true. What I found most helpful wasn’t the habits themselves (it’s all pretty obvious stuff) but the focus on only a handful of habits and more importantly, a game plan on how to actually make those habits stick for you. If that part is appealing but you didn’t love the author’s writing style, I’d also recommend checking out Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg and using the tips there to actually implement habits you want (eat more vegetables, move more, meditate, whatever). Slim by Design also covers off a lot of the same ideas from Ditch the Diet, which essentially boils down to stop beating yourself up over not having willpower and start making your environment one that sets you up to make healthier choices without thinking so much about it. Again, nothing really groundbreaking about if you don’t buy candy you’re less likely to eat it or if you buy smaller plates, you’re likely going to naturally serve yourself smaller portions. I really liked Slim by Design and the studies referenced. In particular, it made me feel like less of a failure for not just being able to do things like not serve myself giant portions when he references studies of nutritionists who fall for the exact same traps that I do (i.e., over serving because of a larger plate/bowl). Just knowing what you’re supposed to do isn’t enough for most of us to actually make ourselves do it and it’s not actually a failure of willpower, it’s a failure to have a system or environment that sets us up for success.
Anonymous at 12:13 PM for anon at 4:01 PM
anon at 4:01 PM, I agree wholeheartedly. Thank for those other book tips! I really enjoy reading about studies and science based advice. I wish my favorite book about diets and habits were available in English, it’s only in Swedish so far.
I think your point about just finding the style and the habits that resonates with you is key. I agree so much on the subtle ways our willpower is thwarted, and the impact it makes to identify them. I’d be really interested to know what set-up-for-success habits you like the most. I think for me, it’s identifying which items, food or drink, I can keep in the house, and which will be consumed within 48 hours from purchase.
Anon
Yep agree, all about figuring out the lowest effort/highest impact habits or changes. For me those included:
Figuring out the right rewards for habits. Habits are all about trigger, behavior, reward. So for me, the biggest impact ones were
– Making fancy coffee my reward for exercise. I bought a Nespresso which really feels decadent but I don’t have any until I’ve exercised. Importantly I give myself the coffee reward even if my exercise is a BS 5 minute peloton stretch which still happens some days but a lot less than it used to. This really helped me solidify the habit transition my identity to a fit person
– Eat my vegetables. I have a rule to fill half of every plate with vegetables. And got myself super into fancy seltzer which I only get after I plate my meal with half veggies. Yes this may cause an enamel problem down the road but one problem at a time…
– Snacking / second helpings. This one took me a while to figure out but I eventually figured out if I instead make myself a cup of herbal tea first often that distracts me enough that I no longer want the second helping or the snack or craving. If after making and enjoying the tea I still want the thing I let myself have it but most of the time I just needed to distract myself for 10-20 minutes for the craving to go away.
Environmental changes
– moved my workout gear so it’s the first thing I see when I open my closet
– Got smaller plates
– Cleared off all counters in my kitchen. It makes my kitchen more zen/inviting to actually cook in. There is no food on counters or otherwise visible without opening a drawer/cabinet/fridge/freezer other than a really pretty fruit bowl.
– Re-arranged my pantry, fridge and freezer so all stuff at eye level or that I otherwise see regularly is healthy choices. I tossed almost all my junk food. If I want a cookie, I have to go drive to buy it or make one from scratch. Any food that I feel the need to have but isn’t something I want to eat regularly (mostly snacks), I moved to a closet outside my kitchen so I don’t stumble upon them and then decide I “need” a snack. I buy pre-cut veggie tray each week and keep it at eye level in my fridge. It’s not cheap but less expensive than throwing out a bunch of produce I’m too lazy to wash and cut.
– Online grocery shopping. This way cut down on the less than ideal items I would pick up because I saw them.
– Apple Watch. I set a bunch of fitness goals and reminders. It’s weirdly motivating and has gotten me to move a lot more.
Hope this helps!
anon
I may check it out. Essentially, that’s what I’m trying to do, but I need to count calories (for now) to get a handle on things. And yeah, my habits have not been great.
Anonymous
Remember that the goal is to average a pound a week. When I was in weight loss mode, some weeks the scale dropped dramatically and some weeks it didn’t drop at all but overall weight came off.
RinBos
First, it can be fun! Use this as an opportunity to explore new foods and new ways to move your body. Second, I found using a fitbit to really help with motivation.
Anonymous
the app Happy Scale will break it into smaller milestones.
Cat
Is the old rule that a pound is ~3500 calories still true? For a pound a week – on average – where can you find 500 calories a day that aren’t valuable to you… like can you switch to skim milk instead of coffee creamer for 50, one miniature candy after lunch instead of 2-3 for 100, replace half of your starch at dinner with a handful of veggies for 100, etc?
like others, when I’ve been trying to lose weight, some weeks the scale would barely budge and then amazingly I would lose like 3 pounds in one day and the scale just…stayed lower. I have amused myself picturing some stubborn-a$$ fat pocket saying FINE YOU WIN.
Anon
My tip is stick to it but don’t weigh yourself for 3 months. It takes time to show up.
Anonymous
It is no fun at all. But I am here to say the first month is the hardest. I lost 35 lbs between august and January last year. I regained 10 and started working in that 10 pretty recently. Am down two.
Start today. The longer you wait the longer it will take. Good luck! I’m rooting for you!
Anon
Good for you! Consistency is key when working a new plan. Keep going even when you don’t initially see results. I was amazed when seven weeks into a program I noticed I felt REALLY GOOD! It wasn’t about weight loss, but just a feeling of “wow, I can do this” “I’m really feeling stronger and better” and “I am moving really well!” I try to find ways to reward myself for each little milestone (like a new piece of workout wear). Don’t be afraid to get medical assistance either as support or as a supervised weight loss program. Good luck! Remember to tell us about your progress.
Elle
Not as formalized as the above commenter, but what has always worked best for me is thinking of diets and exercise as additive rather than punishing yourself for gaining weight. Use this time to try a bunch of new workouts (maybe try class pass or fitness blender). Find something you love and can stick to long term. Taking a yoga or jazzercise class or a walk with a friend- whatever you genuinely enjoy and can fit into your routine a few times a week is going to be better for you long term than running every day for a few months if you hate running. Same thing with dieting, try doubling the veg in your favorite recipes or having a piece of fruit you genuinely enjoy as a snack. I like cooking so one thing I did was start getting a local food coop box delivered, I didn’t get to pick the veggies so it forced me to try new things. It’s slower than calorie counting but I’m so much happier!
Anon
I’m doing this too, after slowly putting on 30 lbs since COVID. What helps me is to remember my personal trainer’s advice to do weights before cardio (I think so the weights are done with more energy and focus?), and that’s is easier to get fit when you’re happy (in his opinion). So, I do basic weights then C25K, schedule regular but infrequent calls with friends, and when I’m feeling low I watch comedy. I don’t weigh myself and don’t buy chocolate or candy for the house (literally I remove it from my cart at the checkout, as I usually put something in there on the way around out of habit!). Hugs and you’re not alone.
Anonymous
Have any of you had to have a procedure in a hospital since Omicron esp on the east coast? I’m specifically curious about UPenn but am interested in anecdotes from anywhere in the northeast. Mainly did you feel safe or did you basically feel like there was no avoiding omicron? Having had the procedure I need before – you are in a pre procedure area just separated by curtains from others [though I guess you can mask there]; then you go into the room for the procedure where you can’t mask as they need airway control; and then I think you’re in post procedure recovery again with others with just a curtain – and the only way you mask is if someone puts a mask on you as you’re still asleep and then you’re moved thru the halls to wake up in your own room for another two hours until you can leave.
This whole thing – coupled with so many people being positive including healthcare workers at work – makes me feel like WTH?? Yet my cardiologist is pushing for this procedure which I know I need. I don’t even want to discuss it with the cardiologist as he’s the dismissive type [though very good at what HE does but anything outside of cardiology is NBD] plus the procedures are what they are – I’m not a VIP who is going to be able to demand how this is handled. I’m high risk because of the cardiac issue, have tried SO hard to avoid this, and now this . . . .
Anonymous
My partner has spent approximately seven weeks in the hospital during Covid in total, and a third of those days were when my region was a hotspot including Omicron. They really have done a good job and he has not yet gotten Covid. That made me feel a lot more confident that you do have to work a little bit hard to get it if that makes sense
Anon
I had surgery in the Lehigh Valley in December (about an hour north of Philadelphia). Everyone took sterilization and isolation very seriously. I was washed down with Hibiclens and then swabbed again with sterile wipes, and all staff was both masked and visored. My ride (spouse) was taken directly to my single room and not allowed to stray from that room once he entered (no wandering the halls to find vending machines or to kill time, etc.). At no point was I left in a group, I was either the only patient in the surgery area, or I was on my way to or from my single room. (Note that I am NOT a VIP in any way.)
I was comfortable with the risk and I am pretty risk-averse; my household is homebodies who only do essential errands very early or late to avoid crowds. We have not gone out to group social events (movies, concerts, carnivals, that sort of thing) since winter of 2020.
The only part that wasn’t perfectly smooth is that the surgery start was pushed back three hours due to a prior surgery taking long, so we just chilled in my room. The doctor had previously mentioned that was a probability, because they were only able to function at half capacity due to needing to sterilize everything more frequently.
Cat
It was last year, but had a family member at UPenn, and no one got Covid even though this was pre-vax world. Don’t they still test everyone coming in for a procedure beforehand?
The only other question is whether this is so urgent it can’t wait like, 3-4 weeks. Omicron is on a significant downswing in Philly right now so if you can hold off just a little…?
Sloan Sabbith
As everyone else has said, hospitals are very, very careful. Masks, visors, gowns, gloves, distancing, and making sure that if you can’t be masked (like when you’re in recovery and can’t safely be masked) that you are protected. I was hospitalized during a surge in 2020 (pre-vaccine) and even with my lung disease I never worried about getting COVID. They also test like crazy- pre-test, tests expired every 72 hours (and maybe more now), etc.
Sloan Sabbith
Err, maybe less time now- expire more often than every 72 hours
Anon
I had a procedure like this pre-vaccination during the initial surge. It was scary but there was no putting it off. I did not contract covid.
You’re far better off in a planned surgical space than in a crowded ER, which I’m sure you already know. Certainly your surgery center is requiring a negative covid test before surgery for every patient. The ER is where people go if they have covid. If you don’t have the procedure done, are you more likely to end up in the ER?
All that said, you deserve to have a doctor who listens to you and addresses your concerns. My cardiologist is a top-rated electrophysiologist and he was very, very understanding and spent all the time I needed discussing my concerns.
X
Had emergency surgery. So ER to pre-op, surgery, then post-op. Fully vaccinated and boosted. I felt everyone was super careful. Did not contract covid. I tested at 3, 5 and 7 days after. But that was right before they started letting medical personnel who are positive go to work…
anon
DH is a surgeon in and his specialty requires very close proximity to the face. He has not caught covid yet despite operating regularly throughout the pandemic and on covid positive patients (AND his co-workers are testing positive left and right). At his hospital (we are in NY metro area), covid positive patients are only allowed at the end of the day and wheeled straight into the OR (not allowed in waiting room, etc)–of course, someone could have gotten covid between testing/procedure and all of this would not matter… They operate in full PPE with a filter running in the room.
I would ask to speak with the surgical coordinator and/or doctor to discuss protocol, esp about the recovery procedure. I hope you can go through with what sounds like a necessary procedure.
Anon
Has anyone here both read the book and watched the series Nine Perfect Strangers? I just finished the book and thought it was pretty good. Wondering if the series is worth it or not.
Anon
I read the book and thought it was really weird but kind of good. I couldn’t get into the show and didn’t finish it.
Anon
Same
editor
Same.
Anon
Read the book. Watched the first two episodes and skipped the rest.
Anon
I liked the book better than the show, but the show was fine and reasonably entertaining, if you don’t have something better to watch (Yellowjackets, Station Eleven, and White Lotus were all better, IMO). Melissa McCarthy was really good, but I thought most of the other characters were better in their book versions.
Senior Attorney
+1 to all this.
Anonymous
This is so funny, I didn’t like the book at all but liked the show a lot (not my fave ever but definitely wanted to finish). They are very different.
anon
I thought the book was super weird, but people swear by the show, so I feel like I should at least try it.
No Face
I enjoyed the book but didn’t finish the show.
anon
I have loved her other books but I lost interest in the book and didn’t finish it. I then tried the show but lost interest in it and didn’t finish it.
Anonymous
What is the shortest trip you’d take to Europe that you would think was “worth it.” I don’t mean like making the cost of the flight worth it but staying longer. I mean once you account for the flight time from the east coast + jet lag, is any trip less than 5 days just too short esp. if you want to hit two cities? I’d fly into the western part of western Europe – so think Zurich or Frankfurt most likely, so it isn’t a longer flight to eastern Europe.
anon
I’ve gone for a long weekend to Paris that was worth it. Flew out on Thanksgiving Thursday, flew back on Sunday. It was lovely, holiday lights were up, chaud vin was out, and since I’ve been to Paris before I knew how to find my way around and didn’t have to spend my short time there acclimating to the city.
Anon
I wouldn’t try to hit two cities unless I had at least a week, but I would definitely go to Europe (from Chicago) for 4-5 days, especially if I could fly non-stop to the city I was visiting. But I have a higher tolerance for long flights for short vacations than many people, I think. I also often pay for first class so I can sleep on the way over and don’t lose an entire day to exhaustion/jetlag.
Anonymous
I think you could enjoy Paris + London in that time frame, or maybe Berlin + Munich. But to me I’d skip the second city if I only had 4 days.
Leatty
For me, anything less than 5 days is too short, especially for two cities. If you’re on a direct flight from the east coast, you’re looking at around 8 hours of flight time + 2 hours at the airport each way, amount to at least 20 hours of travel time. That’s a lot if you’re only planning to spend a long weekend there.
PolyD
I used to go to Europe with my parents and sister over thanksgiving. We’d leave on thanksgiving day, then come back on the following Tuesday, usually. We went to Amsterdam, Rome, Vienna, Prague, Vienna, and Venice. It was fun – we usually just stayed in the city and that was enough time to see what we wanted. And the planes were usually pretty empty on thanksgiving day, which was great!
I’m located in DC and they are Chicago so it was easy to get flights (I think most were direct, except Venice and maybe Prague?) and we weren’t too fussed about cold weather, preferred it to hot.
Senior Attorney
That sounds like such fun!
Anonymous
I am very big on short trips – like 4 nights, 5 days; lots of reasons but for me the more I make a trip a production of 6-10 days the less likely I go because it all seems daunting from packing to planning and plus there’s a lot of foods I don’t eat so there’s more planning; whereas for 4 days I can get by on whatever food. So yeah I’d go to Europe for 4-5 days from the east coast BUT given that I do short trips I ONLY go to one city. Say you fly Sunday night/arrive Monday; for me Monday is kind of a wash as I’m jet lagged and also running some basic errands like picking up snacks/water for the room etc. though I know not everyone does. So the real vacationing then is Tues-Thurs/Friday and then flying out either Fri/Sat. So in Tues to Thurs I want to get a flavor of the city I’m in – not carving out a side trip.
Basically I think you can only do 2 cities if you’re going for 6+ days OR maybe if they’re two major cities so you’ll fly into one, stay for 2 days, go to second city for 2 days and fly back from there without having to return to city one. I’ve basically come to accept that my style of vacationing costs more because I’m paying more for international flights to get to Europe and then only seeing one place and then I have to go again to see some other place; yet knowing myself this is the only way I’ll see anything.
Anonymous
Four hotel nights travelling east, three travelling west.
Cat
For two cities I’d feel like half the trip was logistics if you were only there 5 days. If you had one home base with a day excursion, 5 days (including the day you arrive as day 1) is about as short as I’d go for tr-nsatlantic.
NYCer
I have done 3-4 nights in various European cities from the east coast, and it’s been enjoyable. I would not try to do more than one city for a long weekend though.
Anon
No I’ve gone to Paris for 3 nights and 4 nights between meetings on the east coast US. Totally worth it for me!
HFB
I recently purchased a jacket from lands end ( it’s the modern collarless jacket in washable wool) and I like it well enough for the price, BUT the bust darts are way too pointy. Does anyone know if this is something a tailor can fix relatively inexpensively? Is there an easy at home fix I can do? I have tried to find answers online but everything I am finding seems to be related to how to avoid this issue when making your own garments. TIA!
Anon
Yes, that is fixable. No idea the cost as I do my own sewing, but basically I would open a seam in the lining so I could access the back side of the darts, then would sew new ends on the darts, tapering and curving them in a smidge so they don’t form points on the outside. Iron the new darts flat, sew the lining seam back together and steam all the wrinkles out. Not hard if you have sewing experience, but time consuming and intimidating if you don’t. Blazers usually have hidden structural stuff inside (facings, interfacings, etc.) that can be weird if you aren’t familiar with them, and you would want to make sure not to mess those up or the jacket might lay strangely once it is put back together.
Anonymous
Is anyone else’s DH like this with the kids [or did you have a similar dynamic in your family growing up]? 2 daughters, 6th and 9th grade. 9th grade daughter is exactly like DH – quiet; studious; straight As are the most important thing as well as teachers loving her; shy so not super comfortable with other kids etc. – would rather stay home, well read. 6th grader was born a bundle of energy who just wanted to play – very interested in sports playing and watching; friends; type of kid who does her homework fast so she can play/hang out; but does get good grades. Best description is that 6th grader as long as she gets an A does not care if that’s a 94 or 100, older daughter OTOH – used to cry if it wasn’t a 100.
DH loves both kids but has nothing in common with the second kid. He has [hurtfully IMO in front of the second kid] said everything with the first kid is more exciting because it’s first – walking, talking etc. And now it’s all about the older kid being in high school, fast track to the ivys like him etc. while he has said [only to me] that no chance that kid two makes it to the ivys or the kind of success kid one will have. I highly disagree. The man doesn’t have soft skills [he faked a lot when we dated but that’s a different story] so he doesn’t get how much value there is to that in the real world, like there is a lot more to the world than straight As dude.
Earlier this school year kid 2 started getting interested in/ahead of the school curriculum in math – writing equations etc., which finally pleased engineer DH and he was helping her with it. She can usually work out 80% of the problems herself and then will ask DH when she gets stuck. DH was enthusiastic at first which I could tell the kid liked and then 2 weeks into it, she asks for help and he snarks – I’ve been teaching you for 2 weeks, you still don’t get it?? Well that was the end of that. And in recent months I’ve noticed she really doesn’t talk to dad about ANYTHING important to her – not school, not sports, nothing; she’ll have surface level conversation with him but not tell him anything and then later in the car she tells me whatever cool thing happened. Would you intervene here with DH?? All I can think is you are torching your relationship with 50% of your kids because SCHOOL?? Like how dumb are you – school is for 16 years, family is forever??? But then part of me is like he’s a grown man, let him figure it out . . . .
Anonymous
Yes, you definitely say something/get involved. It’s not “he’s a grown man, let him figure it out” because the damage you should be (and are, from what it sounds like) is to your daughter. Good luck!
anon
Please say something to him. Your daughter knows what’s happening and not only will she hold it against him, she won’t be thrilled with you for your inaction either.
test run
I don’t have kids, so no real advice, but just wanted to comment that I’m sorry and I think that sucks. Just from the viewpoint of having been a kid at some point – have you asked your daughter how some of this makes her feel (in an age-appropriate/gentle way, like “hey I noticed you’re not working with dad on math anymore – why’s that?” or “did you tell dad about xyz? why not?”) if your husband hears from you, “hey, kid said you’re making her feel xyz,” maybe that would resonate? I agree that he’s a grown man and should figure this out (and just understand the world is more nuanced in terms of rewarding different types of personalities) but sixth grader is old enough now to notice how he feels about her and feel hurt by it.
Anonymous
Huge hugs to you and both your daughters, your DH is being a dick. Something about your description makes me wonder: is he on the spectrum? Interpersonal stuff can be really difficult if so. I don’t expect him to change much, though, unfortunately.
For your second – maybe talk with her math teacher to figure out if there are ways you yourself can support her, and go the extra mile re fun math summer camp or whatever?
Anon
Being neurodivergent isn’t an excuse to be a bad parent.
Anonymous
no, but he may not realize the way he’s making her feel, he may need it spelled out for him, he may be open to “faking soft skills” with her so he doesn’t ruin the relationship. he may watch that he has the spoons/is regulated enough when he talks to her. from her perspective it’s at least a reason for his shittiness.
Anonymous
It doesn’t matter. DH and I are pretty sure he’s in the spectrum, but we both agree it’s not an excuse to be an asshole.
Fwiw your kid #2 is crushing it, and you should tell her so.
Anonymous
I highly recommend that all parents of tween and teen girls read the book Untangled, by Lisa Damour. It’s the closest thing there is to a manual for parenting girls.
Anon
Intervene. Now.
I was like your oldest daughter in a family that is outgoing, not into academics, etc. Growing up, all I heard was how I would be a failure in life because I lacked social skills, how I would amount to nothing but a “permanent student,” etc. They couldn’t understand why I studied so much, simultaneously expected all As because I’m “smart” but also that late nights studying were the result of “bad time management.”
Where did this end up? Total estrangement. They have never met my child and I intend to keep it that way.
Ultimately, it was a proxy for a lot of other issues. “You have to be just like me to be accepted” is deeply narcissistic. That’s really what is going on here. Your oldest will also notice how conditional his love is, FYI.
Your husband’s issues aren’t about math. I have an engineering degree and got an 800 on my math SAT; I do not snap at teenagers who don’t understand math. Don’t think God gave me this math brain to lord it over other people.
Anon
+1 Please, please, please intervene. Your poor daughter, my heart is breaking for her.
Anon
+1 – and also for you OP, I mean how does this guy treat you?
AIMS
Have you talked to him? Why would you just let him figure it out, esp. if he lacks “soft skills”? I mean f him but do it for your kid (if you haven’t).
AIMS
Also, not directly on point but my dad was somewhat disinterested in me as a kid and my mom went out of her way to smooth that over and navigate as best could be and I really benefitted from that. Now she’ll sometimes mention the stuff she did and i understand she feels it was unfair to her to have to do it but I also am 1000% better off psychologically, emotionally, etc. because she didn’t let me feel that stuff before.
Anonymous
Yeah, that last one. F him, but do it for your kid.
Anonymous
I don’t know that talking to him would be productive. If he’s that clueless and that much of a jerk, he will probably get defensive and double down on his position. Best-case scenario, he will make horrible ham-handed efforts to connect with the daughter that drive a wedge further into the relationship. I’d let her keep her distance from dad and focus on maintaining the mother-daughter relationship.
Source: My dad was a jerk who favored my sister
Anonymous
I was your daughter–smarter than my “perfect” sister but less interested in homework, had other talents and interests that were not valued. I spent my entire childhood trying to figure out how to escape from home to summer camp, early college programs, etc., most of which were inaccessible to me for financial reasons and because my parents were too controlling. If your daughter has any interest in boarding school or the like, I’d encourage you to support it.
anon
Your DH is doing a hell of a lot of damage to your younger daughter. Yes, please intervene. She sounds fine. Better than fine; she sounds like a great kid.
Anonymous
Why would trying to force a closer relationship with the dad do anything but cause further harm? Let the poor kid keep her distance.
anon
I mean, intervene with the husband and be straight with him about how bad he’s screwing up. Agree that a relationship can’t be forced, but he’s the parent and it’s on him to figure out his own issues and stop projecting them onto the daughter.
Cat
By intervene we’re not suggesting force Youngest to be nice. We’re suggesting talking to DH about how his attitude is shutting Youngest down!
Anonymous
No, I mean don’t intervene with the dad. This will either make him mad or will make him try to force his daughter to interact with him, both of which are bad outcomes.
Anon
Yeah, if he’s a narcissist I agree. If he’s just clueless there might be hope for him.
Cat
please intervene!
I’m more like your older daughter and my youngest sibling a lot like your younger. My mom seems similar to your DH. Even as I am a grown-a$$ adult it can be hard for her to comprehend a lateral career move like going in-house – because surely law firm partners making tons of money is The Best right? Not so much the attitude of wanting your job to just be a part of your life. And this is from the kid who was the most “compliant.”
Relationship with youngest is still not great even though all the kids are in their 30s now…
No Face
Definitely intervene! If my husband talked to our kids that way, he would get a talking-to from me that night. The “people like me are good and people unlike me” belief is a huge problem.
Anon
Yeah, tell him that he’s probably already permanently damaged his relationship with her and that he needs to get his act together. Not for him, but for her. My dad didn’t like hanging out with me but I appreciate that my mom made him. Otherwise he’d feel like a stranger.
Anon
family counseling might be good along with help for him?
Anon
I know counseling isn’t punishment by any means, but it seems unfair to try to make the daughter have to fix the very real problems her father has.
Anon
No, it’s not a punishment and it could be very helpful in repairing the situation, and for the mom to show the youngest she cares about her feelings and is giving her a real outlet to process and repair.
Anonymous
Hard no to family counseling in this situation. Youngest daughter is blameless.
I had a terrible father. If I had been forced to attend family counseling with him I absolutely would have viewed it as punishment and a statement that I was at fault for the issues. Let the poor girl maintain the boundaries she has wisely set. Dad can go to counseling on his own.
Anonymous
Individual counseling for the daughter would be an outlet for the daughter to “process and repair.” Family counseling is a big nope in a situation like this with a narcissist + power differential. The dad would use the counselor to put the blame on the daughter.
anon
As a kid who was forced into therapy for something that wasn’t her fault, don’t do this. Marriage therapy sure. But not forcing the kids to go too.
Anonymous
The problem is 100% on dad’s side. Let him go to counseling by himself to learn to be a decent person and leave the kid out of it. If she needs counseling to deal with the fallout of having a sh!tty dad, that is entirely separate and for her alone.
Anonymous
How long do you want to teach your first daughter that she’s better than other people and your second that she is worthless? My goodness. Be better at being a mom. Get a divorce. What are you doing.
roxie
This.
People are letting OP way off the hook here.
OP you are damaging your kid, complicit in allowing your husband to damage her, AND damaging (perhaps lifelong) the relationship your two daughters have with each other! They may never recover from being pitted against each other this way.
I’m actually horrified by this whole post. What are you thinking?!? where have you been?
Anon B
I’m going to dodge your very good question of whether to intervene with DH because other commenters have given such good feedback. I will say, though, if the girl is interested in talking about and practicing math with someone on an extracurricular basis and DH isn’t willing to do it, it could be worth hiring a tutor if you can afford it. The tutoring wouldn’t be remedial in this case, but rather give her an ally with whom she might explore the subject without being judged.
Anonymous
I am so sorry. While this man might be a suitable husband, you made a mistake in reproducing with him. You are going to have to.mitiagte the damage by stepping in to affirm the worth of your second child and stopping any negativity from your husband or your first on the second. This, unfortunately, is going to be your burden. Your first has been poisoned with a much-too-short runway for mitigation and your husband is probably permanently a jerk. Even if not, you need to step in now. I hate to suggest divorce, as I think that is awful, but I am not sure you are going to find a better avenue to resolution. I am sure he seemed like a suitable choice before you saw him in action and I totally understand the allure of an Ivy-educated man in theory, but you may have to acknowledge that you just made a mistake.
Anonymous
This is enormously damaging and needs to be addressed. My sister was the favored child, my brother and I were told we were dumb and ugly, respectively. My brother is dyslexic and never got assistance and I went into a massive spiral of depression.
Anon
hive help please:
i took an internal transfer as i was heavily recruited. old boss kept adding work and removing resources, didnt care what i had to do to cover and i never measured up to his favorite/ crush even though she did about 10% of work(smaller portfolio), copied my processes and tools and got all the credit.
new boss: i knew her internally but didn’t work for her. i am 2 months in and made to feel like an idiot more often than not. examples are mainly asking for help on things that take all my time and then asking why other things arent done, moving goal posts, the way she dpeaks down to me sometimes. other times, things are sunny for me but others might be on The List. a major prof dev role could come of this if i find a way to be successful but I feel dumb 80% of the time. her team is small: one more junior than me feels micromanage but won’t day anything. the other seems checked out. she can be very intimidating and I’m already drained and burned out from previous role.
i still need to work for a living but feel I made a bad call moving to this role (i was recruited to others too)
any advice?
Anon
This entire org sucks and you should leave it completely.
anon
+1,000
Anon
Yep. DTMFA.
Anonymous
I feel like I (a woman in my 40s) should know this already but I don’t, is there a point before menopause when you can stop using contraceptives without risk of pregnancy? I am in monogamous relationship so STDs are not an issue.
Kat G
I admit my source for this is downton abbey, but I always thought that was when you’re most at risk for bonus babies / unplanned pregnancies because you can’t track your cycle effectively.
Anonymous
Short answer: NO. Longer answer – read anything by Dr. Jen Gunter.
Senior Attorney
Nope. I was never more scared of a surprise pregnancy than when I was in my 40s and unhappily married.
Also: They did an amazing episode about this on the old Bea Arthur sitcom “Maude” in 1972. She had a surprise midlife pregnancy and ended up having an abortion. It was a two-parter called “Maude’s Dilemma” and is well worth tracking down online.
Anon
Nope and beware, sooooooo many women end up with “going out of business babies” (TM my doc) that unless you want kids, keep up the BC in your 40s.
Anom
My doc called those Change of Life babies. While discussing when my IUD should get replaced.
Anon
No. Like some else said, Jen Gunter’s book on menopause has a good chapter on this. Last I checked, it was was $1.99 for the kindle version on amazon and free for prime members.
Anon
No!!! My friend was conceived this way when her mom was 48. Her only sibling is 17 years older.
Anonymous
For whatever this is worth, my gynecologist advised me throughout my 40s to stick with birth control if I didn’t want to get pregnant. At my last appointment at age 51 when I am technically not in menopause yet (defined as a full year without a period), she encouraged me to go off birth control (mini pill in my case) and see what happened with my period. She used the word “infinitesimal” to describe my chance of getting pregnant, which made me comfortable stopping the pill.
Anon
I know someone who had a surprise kid at 46. Not really something you’d expect at that age but it’s possible.
Anon
My great-grandmother had her last child at 51. No, that will not be me.
anon
Noooo
roxie
tell your partner to get snipped. It’s his turn now.
Anonymous
I finally got ahold of those 3M Aura masks that everyone loves… I hate the rubber headbands! Does anyone know a way to make them not tear my fine hair? (Or, do you have any N95 suggestions with cloth-covered mask loops)
Anon
No suggestions, but same here- we bought a bunch and my husband likes them, but I can’t stand them because of the rubber bands. They’re also a little too big for me and seem to really gape in the chin, so I’m sticking with my KN95s for now.
NeglectedHeels
I’m in healthcare and wear these daily and have for 2 years now. You must wear your hair up in a secure style (I do a high pony or a big claw clip) then carefully put the straps on exactly where you want them to stay. My straps don’t wiggle around if my hair is pulled into a snug style (but not too tight! Don’t want to cause traction alopecia)
Then minimize the number of times you take them on and off. I wear them all day at the hospital, removing only for lunch. I pull the mask down just slightly for sips of water. Every time you take it on and off your hair will get frizzy and your straps will stretch out slightly and eventually not make as airtight of a seal.
I wear these in the community too, and leave it on while driving in my car alone between stores, while walking outside between errands even if no one is around, etc. I’m sure people think I’m nuts but this is the best way to preserve the mask AND your hair.
I had a lot of hair loss around my temples at the beginning of the pandemic from PPE straps around my head (masks and visors and big plastic respirators). It’s growing back, thank goodness, but now I have many silly baby hairs at the temples where they are very noticeable.
I don’t think I have every seen a true N95 with ear loops. They aren’t likely to reliably seal against your face, you really need the straps around the head for the snug fit. Of course KN95s with ear loops abound.
Anon
My younger sister texted me yesterday that they are getting divorced with husband. She is 33, no kids, been together for 11y. Apparently the reason is that he is an artist who need to travel constantly (and covid restrictions hit his mental health hard), while she wants to settle in one place (is flexible on the location) and build career. I am sorry she is going through this, but don’t know how to support her. We live in different countries, but only 2hrs drive. She just came back from holidays, so can’t take time off to visit me. And I am currently having flu, so can’t come either. Wise women, pls help.
Anon
You support her just by checking in and being there – text or phone or facetime, whatever she wants, or nothing at all. Send her a care package with cozy things to wrap her in warmth. Visit when you can. And as hard as it’s hitting you, know it’s likely harder for her, so focus on listening and just being there as you can.
anon
Thank you, Anon!
Card during mat leave?
I’d like to send a Congratulations and best wishes card to an employee- I’m her grand-boss. We’re a pretty close group. But I’d also like to respect her FMLA and work/home separation. I should just chill until she comes back to work, right? I made sure we got a card & collected $ and lots of good wishes a few weeks before she went out.
Anon
It’s fine to send a congratulations card to an employee’s house during mat leave. A card doesn’t require a response. Just don’t contact her about anything work-related or anything where she feels obligated to respond, and you’re good.
Anonymous
I received a few presents and well wishes from colleagues (including bosses) during mat leave and was nothing but appreciative.
Anonymous
I’ll ask tomorrow, but: do you wear masks outdoors? Does it matter how tightly packed? Someone I follow on Twitter just complained that she was the only white person on her walk she saw wearing masks.
Anon
If it is a crowded area, I will put the mask on. If it is just me and a few random people walking in a park or on a street – nope.
Anon
In public areas (like at the zoo, farmers market, at an outdoor ice rink, etc.) I always do. For walks outside, I often don’t, but we live in suburbia and never get within 10 feet of anyone else while walking outside and even then only for a moment. If I lived in NYC I would wear masks outside at all times. I know others feel differently, but masks really do not bother me at all, so while I doubt they’re strictly necessary in many outdoor settings, it’s just easier to wear it. I wish mask-wearing would stick around because I like not getting sick from colds and flu constantly.