Weekend Open Thread

144 Comments

1. TMJ sufferers, what advice do you have? My jaw is so sore and I’m getting headaches from the tightness. I have a dentist appointment scheduled in a few weeks and I do wear a mouthguard at night but I’m definitely having some sort of flare up.

   1. would chewing something like bagels help? if the theory is “motion is lotion”…

      1. Definitely don’t eat bagels or anything else that would aggravate your jaw right now! Actually I would recommend soft foods while your jaw heals. Advil or Aleve may be able to help with the inflammation. Treating TMJ may be outside of your dentist’s expertise, so you should get a referral for a specialist

   2. I don’t have the typical TMJ issues as my clenching manifested as tinnitus, at least that is the going theory. I underwent about 12 weeks of craniofacial physical therapy (PT who specialize in this area) which provided some relief, but I have ultimately had to rely on Botox in my masseters for more relief – went to my dermatologist for that. The Botox only lasts 3-4 months for me max and is costly, but it helps. I am also getting my teeth/bite in better alignment through Invisalign to see if that helps. Good luck!

   3. I got botox for TMJ issues 3 weeks ago and it has been LIFE CHANGING. I had incredible soreness and tension headaches, and I also used to chew up the insides of my cheeks while sleeping. After getting botox, I slowly started to realize the pain was disappearing (it takes 10-14 days to see any effect). I really wish I had done this sooner. Insurance didn’t cover it so it was about $850, but probably the best money I ever spent. It has also improved the appearance of my face since my jaw muscles were way overdeveloped (and asymmetrical) from years of bruxism.

   4. My dentist recommends massage therapy (yes they stick their hands in your jaw). I never tried it because a different doctor suggested high absorption magnesium supplements, and that really helped my muscles relax.

   5. Looooong time TMJ sufferer here. Find a massage therapist who can do intra-oral massage (like they put their fingers in your mouth). That was the best relief for me. A backup option is a regular massage therapist who can massage your jaw muscles and head. Other than that and lots of Advil/Aleve, I think my TMJ finally died down after I fixed my bite issues with braces. It’s only been ~6 months since I finished the Invisalign, but I haven’t had a flare up in that whole time, although my jaw is still a bit tight.

   6. Hot water bottles on your face. Like any muscle, it will help it to relax.

      See if your dentist can recommend a TMJ specialist. Mine did–and once they were sure nothing was anatomically in need of help, he recommend someone who does massage specifically for TMJ. I’m not someone who is all “whoo whoo” new-agey. So I was dubious about massage. But she did a whole bunch of face and shoulder work (a lot of it up high on my head) and over about six sessions, the difference was night and day. Like literally one earlobe looked higher than the other initially because I was so tense. Now any flares are super minor (like after a dental visit when my mouth has been open too long).

      1. So, the massage was prescribed by a doctor? Were you able to claim any insurance reimbursements?

   7. Did any of you all have braces with headgear? Avoiding TMJ is why we are considering jaw surgery for a kid with an overbite.

      1. I did!

         I’m a horrible stress clencher / grinder which is the cause of my current pain.

   8. Most effective for me was heat packs for 15 minutes. You can buy some that go in a wrap around your head. Looks ridiculous, but after a couple of days of doing this at the end of the day, my pain went away. I still have a lot of clenching but since it’s not painful, I’m unwilling to devote additional time for PT etc at this time.

   9. My dentist gave me a simple exercise that really works for me:
      Take your tongue and point it on the front roof of your mouth right where your front teeth meet the skin. With the tongue in place slowly open and close your jaw (it sort of aligns your teeth). Repeat as necessary. I don’t know what it does, but that exercise really relaxes my jaw. Hope this helps!

   10. I have TMJ that triggers chronic/daily migraines, and I go to a department of oral and maxillofacial surgery at a local hospital. I trust them much more than a dentist (at MGH if you happen to be in Boston). They also get things covered under my insurance – including a $500 mouth guard and Botox for my jaw.

   11. Feldenkrais exercises and self massage helped me.

   12. Not sure if you are an aggressive or frequent gum chewer, but when I am writing something complicated I chew a lot more gum than usual for whatever reason and I noticed my TMJ flares up from that.

2. Can anyone recommend a pretty file box or document holder? I have a pretty stripey one I bought about 10 years ago that holds maybe 15 folders so not a full box. Looking for something similar to put on a bookshelf.

   1. I just ordered this a few days ago from Target. Looks pretty. Fabric File Box with Faux Leather Accent Cream – Hearth & Hand with Magnolia

   2. https://www.target.com/p/fabric-file-box-with-faux-leather-accent-cream-hearth-38-hand-8482-with-magnolia/-/A-86250005?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&fndsrc=tgtao&DFA=71700000012806747&CPNG=PLA_Seasonal%2BShopping_Local%7CSeasonal_Ecomm_Home&adgroup=SC_Seasonal_Hearth+And+Hand&LID=700000001170770pgs&LNM=PRODUCT_GROUP&network=g&device=c&location=9033254&targetid=aud-1963707137021:pla-1430701857578&ds_rl=1246978&ds_rl=1247068&gclid=Cj0KCQjwn9CgBhDjARIsAD15h0D1VIkuy3ky6O6urvt0FeBWZY_V0x5gSqTz4YEFy7AIQFwODyEdZJcaAsKmEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

      1. I like it – very nice.

3. Has anyone ordered the tie waist pants (or any non-swimsuit items) from Summersalt? Thoughts on quality?

   1. I’ve ordered a gift box of socks as a Christmas gift for DH. Probably not a comparable item, but they are among his favorites.

   2. I got one of their cute velour sweatsuits about 2 years ago and the quality was great. I can’t speak to anything else though!

4. I’m not sure if this is something I can help with, but I just stopped my sister from trying to refi her house to either get some $ out of it or refi. Current mortgage is low and fixed; if she did a refi, it would only extend the term a few years (she has a recent refi), but it would double the interest rate, so it would cost her more $. She’s not savvy like that but I am. She is tight financially — divorced from a deadbeat, 3 kids at home, restarting working and not making much. The house is important b/c it ties in to the kids’ schools. IDK if she’s underwater by 500 or 1K or more a month, but this would be good to know and it doesn’t seem like she does. Our parents could help her and would if it were 20K/year or less (and I’m fine with that, they have the $ but don’t like open-ended commitments). She’s also terribly angry — at the divorce, that her ex had more kids with the affair partner, that her ex now makes bank (but blows through it with his new wife). She doesn’t want to work summers, but when your youngest kid is 12 and you feel like you don’t have enough $, you do what you have to do, now what you want to do (and here I may have zero sympathy: I have worked every year, including summers, and have two middle schoolers including a 12YO who I’d leave at home with her older sister to watch TV if I needed to work (and I need to work, but can pay for camps, etc.)). She may qualify for food stamps (IDK, but she should explore) or other benefits, but is just so angry at the world. If you have any advice for backseat driving this, please send along. Otherwise, the good advice that I had (don’t refi, make a budget), I’ve already given.

   1. I would…stay out of this. And I mean this knowing you have the best intentions.

      I have a sister with a very complicated mental illness that she doesn’t manage well (IMO). I’ve had to learn to just let her be an adult.

      Did your sister ask for advice on the refi? Is she specifically asking for your help/support in her post-divorce life? Even if she is I’d maybe refer to yo a resource that could help her learn to be more savvy, not be the resource.

      1. +1 to say away from this. I have a SIL who has made many bad financial choices in the last couple of years. Although, I will say most of them are very self-inflicted (most recently expensive tattoos, vacations, long stints of voluntary unemployment, etc.). Getting the short stick after a divorce with kids does not sound fun.
         At this point, DH and I have agreed if she did start asking for help. We’d consider finding a financial planner or a financial counselor and basically outsource these topics to a professional. A financial planner would also probably sit down and help her make a budget. Maybe that those services would be something helpful for your parents to help pay for?
         It does sound like she’s going through a tough time and smiling/nodding/saying “your ex is awful”/”that’s frustrating”/etc might be best approach long term.

   2. Her ex should be paying child support and she can have his wages garnished if he isn’t. She can also have the support modified if he makes more money.

      No advice… except if this helps your sister? My mother is plenty angry at my father for their divorce. At this point, they have been divorced for ten times as long as they were married. I want to shake her and tell her – whatever gripes you have, you have been in the drivers seat for four decades.

      Anger doesn’t get the bills paid. Anger doesn’t make the world fair, especially the version of “fair” where your ex-spouse keeps you in comfort so you don’t have to work summers.

      She’s entitled to her emotions. She can be angry all she wants. What is stupid is endangering her financial future (and her kids’ futures) because she’s using anger as a substitute for going into beast mode and getting s—-t done.

      1. OP here and I don’t disagree. She just sends out barrages of texts each day with various things and does actually ask me for what to do (as if there is one silver bullet to fix all this). She’s not living high on the hog by any means, but she had so sell off some of her retirement savings to pay bills when he stopped paying (for like 6 months) before his wages got garnishes (but he only pays $500 / mo on his arrears, which is barely a dent). It’s all a money problem wrapped in a saga. “It doesn’t pay to work” summers flies when you need paid child care for young kids but it’s OK to go to work and leave your kids to play on the block and watch TV if they are teens / tweens. Could you buy no new clothes for a year? Maybe you don’t need another pet?

         [I think teachers are great and in my state they are reasonably well paid but often supplement with PT jobs, tutoring, and summer jobs; I think it just stings that it’s not the life she planned for.]

         1. What exactly do her texts say? There is no magic bullet but there kind of is… teachers can make good money tutoring on the side, she can look into going into consulting or administration, and her older kids can get jobs (babysitting, mowing lawns, that sort of thing) to pay for some of their stuff (clothes, school activities, movie night).

            What’s the plan for paying for college? Do the kids know that their father has to report his income on FAFSA for them to be eligible for need based aid?

            1. When the student’s parents are divorced, only the parent who supports the student more (even by one more week of custody during the past year) needs to submit info on the FAFSA form. If that parent has remarried, the step-parent must also report his or her finances on the FAFSA form, regardless of what any pre-nup may say to the contrary (financial aid is federal law and thus trumps state contract/family law of the pre-nup).

               When parents get along, they can reduce their overall burden by arranging things so that the parent with the lower income reports of FAFSA.

            2. I stand corrected, but many schools require both parents’ income to determine need-based aid.

   3. Stay out of it. My sister was a mess financially for years, had a mortgage at 9% with PMI when prevailing rates had gone down to 3-4%, and she was barely making it. I tried to point out that a refi would probably at least halve her mortgage payment and she got so mad at me. She really just wanted sympathy, not suggestions. Your sister may be the same.

      Shut up about the mortgage and be a shoulder to cry on if you want to continue the relationship with her. It doesn’t matter that you worked summers and she hasn’t. It’s her new reality and she has a right to feel discombobulated about it.

      1. With my sister, it is like this but we are in year 5 since the divorce and year 7 since they split up. It is evergreen.

   4. So, speaking as someone whose sibling is kind of a not-completely-functional adult, I agree with the “stay out of it” to a point – but I also know it’s hard, when you love and care about your sister (and her kids). Bottom line, there’s only so much you can do to help her if she won’t help herself, and one thing that could help her is sitting down with a financial counselor (not a planner – a counselor) and going through her expenses and income and seeing where the shortfalls are. I imagine with three kids, there may be some money being spent she could rein in, if she wants to. I have had a couple of divorced friends who kept spending like they did when they were married because they felt like the kids were entitled to the same lifestyle they had before their dad left the marriage – and to an extent, I get that. But bottom line, your sister is in a one-income household now, her child support is insufficient/spotty, and she needs to get a handle on her cash in/out flow. I’m sure you know this and have told her this. I would not give her money or have your parents give her money on an open-ended basis until more is known about her finances.

      In terms of her anger about the divorce – my MIL was married to my FIL for seven years; they divorced after he had an affair with one of her friends, and to her dying day, she never got over it. By the time she died they’d been divorced 48 years! And she still harbored bitterness about it. It’s a process, and some people never go through whatever they need to go through to get past their anger and hurt. I think I remember reading you’ve tried to get her therapy help, to no avail. So, okay. You can’t fix people, and you can’t save people from themselves. Your sister’s anger is hers to manage and/or let go of, and regardless of whether or not she stays angry forever, she can create a better financial situation for herself and her children. For the sake of your sister’s kids, it’s probably more valuable to focus on helping your sister shore up her finances. P.S., if the youngest kid is 12, that kid will not need full-time child care this summer, most likely, and that should free your sister up to tutor or teach part-time summer school or take on another part-time job. She honestly just might feel bewildered and at loose ends, because her life has been upended, and your help in assisting her with thinking through and making decisions will be invaluable to her. You’re a good sister. Hang in there.

   5. This is a classic example of why the poster from last week should leave teaching. I think you’re right to help your sister understand financing. I’d consider helping her get to a higher paying job, too. What she’s doing is just going to be unsustainable.

      1. Teaching isn’t always a low paying job, and it isn’t that easy to switch careers mid-life with 3 kids. My teacher husband earns over 100K/year, he does not work summers, we pay $0 for family health insurance that is really good and that he will still be eligible for after he retires, and he has a pension and very good job security due to tenure. OP should be sure she understands her sisters benefits (especially things like pensions and insurance) before she gives her a lot of financial advice.

         1. Agreed. Making over $100k in your late 30s, with job security, outstanding benefits, and a pension is incredible. The pension alone is worth a small fortune.

   6. I’m divorced and I get it. I changed jobs shortly post divorce because I couldn’t afford to remain in my old job.

      Your sister needs therapy. It’s awful being left high and dry emotionally but the financial impact is a symptom of this not the cause. She needs help to get over the trauma of being blindsided by the unfaithful a**hole. The courts are not going to help much. Yes, get him to pay child support but just know these judges are not reasonable. The fact he had children post divorce means he won’t be expected to contribute much.

      As an aside, my first lawyer who I went to 5 years ago advised me to make sure he had a vasectomy and it’s the best advice I’ve had. When the marriage finally fell apart, I know there is no chance of him having further children. I highly recommend this approach when you are reliant on him supporting the children financially.

      What I would do is have him take the children 50/50. I do this with my husband because I have a job to keep. It’s cheaper to send the children to him than to rely on his child support, which is minimal to nothing in my case. I save $300 just in food each week they are with him. Your sister then needs to work smart. Tutoring pays well normally. Can she set her home up as a school holiday program for school aged children? This way a lot of her household expenses can be deducted from any income she makes.

   7. I’ve not been married/divorced or had kids, but my parents’ divorce left me on my own and fending for myself at 18, so I’ve been flat broke and pissed off at the world with the rug yanked out from beneath me.
      Do you have a little money where you can log in and pay her electric or phone bill, or send her grocery money (Publix does two-piece giftcards where the sender can add more – this works well for some friends who cover others’ grocery bills)? Anything that takes the pressure off even a little bit is helpful at this point. It sounds like she’s doing everything she can to keep her head above water and it’s barely or maybe not quite enough. From what you said, she’s not irresponsible, just overwhelmed. Make sure you acknowledge how overwhelming it all is, if you haven’t already. I want to give her a hug. Thank you for looking out for your sister.

5. How do you move on from disappointments and not let them shake your confidence at work? I interviewed for an internal position – I knew the person interviewing me had doubts about my ability to do the role so I tried to instill confidence and share my experience in a way that would resonate. Ultimately it did not, which is fine but I’m trying to stop doing the whole “I should have done this differently” and beating myself up over the preparation I did do. It’s also a bit of a confidence shake when someone thinks you can’t do something you know you can. How do you move on from these feelings?

   1. For this particular case, it sounds like working with this person would have been a bad fit for you. Can you reframe it as a bulled dodged?

   2. Find the opportunities elsewhere. A few years ago my boss told me not to apply for an in-house position that I just knew I would be great at. Worse,I hated the person they ultimately hired. She was pretty inept and often took credit for my work. So I left and took a job elsewhere doing a job that was really similar. I’m now about to take a position with a new company as a VP in that area, while she is still stagnating at old company. My friends at old company talk about how she is no longer the “shiny new object” with my boss and he openly criticizes a lot of the work she does.

      I say this because you shouldn’t chalk this up to you needing more confidence. Some folks are always going to see you a certain way. Don’t let that stop you. You do what you need to do to get the experience elsewhere or you grow your skills until you can get it elsewhere.

      It’s pretty common to get pigeonholed into positions. Sometimes you have to look outside to grow. The problem isn’t you, it’s them. And sometimes it really is a bullet dodged to not stay.

      1. Thank you both for your thoughtful responses! This is what I needed to hear.

   3. I find it helpful to lean into those feelings for a set period of time and try to learn from them so I can finally let them go. Meaning- I’ll set aside like an hour to journal and brainstorm about the issue. I’ll be really brutally honest with myself about what I could have done better, and also honest about what was out of my control. I’ll make a plan for next time/the future. And then when times up- I’m done. Often, just this act if enough to keep me from going back and ruminating. If it’s not though, I literally tell myself “it’s done now. You have your plan. Move on.”

6. Question for the people familiar with construction law – we’re trying to take a contractor to small claims court for really screwing up pocket doors. We’ve tried to mail him notice a few times now but every address we get is either not a real address or is returned as undeliverable. Any advice? If he’s licensed would the state have an up to date address?

   1. How badly did he “really screw up”? Meaning…is this going to small claims court over $2k or less? The state should have an up to date address and if he pulled permits, his info should be there too (not sure what is needed in your state, in MA where I am you need a permit for EVERYTHING).

      1. we didn’t pull permits – we paid him $5k and the work is a complete redo. there are gaps when the doors are closed (outside corners and inside), nothing is plumb, the details like edging don’t match the rest of the room, they never even considered what kind of door handles we would need. nothing is painted. there’s exposed plywood. he’s ghosted us and left trash on our front porch since november. at some point he brought his master carpenter (who wasn’t a part of the job because he had health issues) by to see the work and the carpenter declared it a total redo.

   2. I had something like this happen once. The work product was terrible quality, and broke down in no time, and had to be redone for safety…. never mind terrible aesthetics. In the end – we gave up on the company.

      We were forced to use the contractor that the City hired for related projects because part of the work was going to overlap public sidewalks. It was actually easier to get the city to re-do the most dangerous part of the poor quality work since they had required us to use this contractor, then to tract down the contractor and get them to return a phone call. Regardless, it still looked awful and everything just got so much worse with time. But because we got some rectification through the city, and our complaint/issues likely led to long term losses for the company via lost city work… that helped placate my anger. I posted truthful critical reviews on every website available online, BBB etc.. The company eventually folded. I’m sure they just re-opened under a new name somewhere. Pretty easy to do.

      After this, we never hire any contractor for any project of significance without multiple personal referrals, checking Angie’s list reviews, going in person to see their work when possible, using only well established companies online that are licensed/insured. And remember – any company used by the city is often chosen NOT because of quality, but because they give the cheapest/lowest bid. But even when I take every precaution, we have still had bad experiences when hiring help for home projects. Mistakes are made, broken or incorrect (cheaper) products are installed and every corner that can be cut …. is. Many times managers on bigger projects aren’t present and don’t even see what is going on…. and sometimes they don’t tell the workers exactly what to do. It leaves me very disillusioned about people/business in general.

      I think people that are very wealthy can sometimes access levels of service that avoid some of this…. but that price point is likely very high. Maybe it’s regional too. But even my rich relatives admit that they have had a hard time.

      But I’ve never dealt with a business like what you describe… that seems to not be a real business, with no real website/contact info/address online? Was it just a handyman you hired? You don’t even know if he is licensed? If he is licensed, yes I think his info should be available through the state agencies.

      All that being said, if it was possible to take this person/company to small claims court, I probably would for this much money. It all depends on how you value your time, and what gives you peace of mind. For me, that is a lot of money. But if you have the spare $ to install new pocket doors (something I’ve never done on my house… that is missing pocket doors) you may want to choose saving your sanity to going down this road. It is rarely satisfying, in the end.

7. My kids don’t like potatoes (of any kind, unless they are French fries) or cabbage.

   Any ideas for a st Patrick’s day dinner? They are generally all good eaters and corned beef is fine, just no potato sides.

   1. Fish and chips. Nothing wrong with a French fry.

      1. It *is* a Friday during Lent after all :)

   2. Is there a reason not to do French fries?

      We always did soda bread. I also like the imported Irish cheddar trend.

   3. For one of the sides, you could do soda bread with clotted cream and Kerrygold butter!

      1. There’s a recipe for a soda bread that includes Dubliner cheese on the kerrygold website. I toured with making it for today, but I think we’ll just have the Dubliner on crackers.

   4. I don’t think my family did anything for St Patrick’s Day ever, aside from wearing green as a kid to avoid being pinched, so here’s an internet stranger’s permission to just eat a normal dinner!

   5. I made this soda bread this morning (with a few modifications). It was very easy and pretty good.

      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1016141-brown-soda-bread-with-oats

   6. you can find green ravioli at places like costco!

   7. I’m just going to point out that there is way more to Irish food than potatoes and cabbage…

   8. Roasted carrots or parsnips.

      You could also just… read a story about St. Patrick.

   9. We always ate beef stew on St. Patty’s day growing up. There are potatoes in that, but easy to either skip them or for the kids to eat around them.

      I love Kerrygold more than life, so maybe an excuse for some good crusty bread and Kerrygold?

   10. Would your kids really not like boiled potatoes mashed a bit with a fork and topped with salt, pepper and a non-diet amount of good butter?

       If not, then I’d just make a side of plain pasta with butter, which was my go-to when my kids were little. Egg noodles done this way might be particularly good with the rest of the meal.

   11. Seafood pie, fish and chips, dublin coddle, Irish stew, steak and guiness pie, shepherd’s pie or cottage pie (can scrape off the potatoes)…some soda bread or farls, yellowman or bread pudding for dessert …

   12. Sweet potato fries!

       Why not fries?

       I’m amazed your kids would eat corned beef. I eat just about anything, but ….

   13. Green food coloring is my solution to Saint Patrick’s day and my picky child. He had green pasta (not spinach, food coloring) for lunch and that is about as much festivity as I can muster. If you add it to cooking water it dyes the pasta.

8. I’m catching up after a day out with kiddo and laughing at the St Patrick’s Day discussion. I am an elder millennial and don’t remember anything beyond wearing green. We give our students the week of St Patrick’s as spring break because it’s so rowdy, but then I asked my son if they did anything at school, he seemed confused.

   1. We do literally nothing for the day. I asked my daughter if she wanted to wear green today and she looked at me like I had 2 heads.

   2. I have a red haired husband of Irish descent and a red haired daughter as a consequence. I have Irish heritage as well, but I’m much more of a mutt. We wear green today and are having corned beef, cabbage, and new potatoes for dinner, along with some Guinness for the > 21s. It’s just fun and we don’t make too much of it, and I finally get to wear the navy and green silk scarf I bought in Ireland.

      1. My kid insisted that she can’t be pinched today because she is part Irish. Is pinching a thing today? Not Irish (but I am wearing green).

         1. Pinching is traditionally when you catch someone not wearing green. I’ve never heard the Irish exception

            But this is also a good time to teach your daughter that she’s not Irish unless you actually live in Ireland. It’s “Irish heritage” if you live elsewhere.

            The reason I point this out is that the way we phrase this in the US is very confusing to actual Irish people – see my relatives tromping all over Ireland telling the locals that they were Irish, the locals asking where they lived, relatives saying “the Midwest” and confusion ensuing!!!

            1. Oh who cares, policing people who say this is not a hill worth dying on at all.

            2. The Irish diaspora is larger than the size of Irish people in Ireland IIRC. Many Irish people in the US have Irish passports. IDK what you want them to do. Not be Irish now?

            3. Except this kid could have a parent who was born there, which would make her, wait for it, part Irish.

            4. I am pretty sure that Irish people can spot Americans and were pulling their legs.

            5. https://theculturetrip.com/europe/ireland/articles/10-things-tourists-should-never-say-in-ireland/

               This article says not to say “I’m Irish” in Ireland when referring to your heritage.

            6. I mean you can find dozens of clickbait articles online saying not to wear leggings or whatever in France because then people will know you’re American. As an American who goes to Europe frequently I can assure you that European people can spot Americans a mile away regardless of how we dress or act. :) At best we can possibly pass for Canadian and even that can be challenging. This article is just clickbait written to get hits from a search engine.

            7. Dude, if your relatives actually did that, there was no confusion. Those actual Irish people were totally making fun of your relatives!

         2. Contrary to this morning’s post, we never did pinching for not wearing green growing up but we did do leprechaun traps in school.

            I, like everyone else I knew growing up, am 75% Irish. My one non-Irish grandparent was born today and named Pat and loved this holiday more than my Irish grandparents!

   3. I think we’re the same age and don’t remember anything from childhood either except wearing green (and getting pinched if I didn’t, which I hated). Never did anything at home and now that I’m grown don’t do anything with my own kids.

      1. Although actually it’s our spring break too and I’m normally out of the country for that. Except for 2020 and 2021, I don’t think I’ve been in the US for St Patrick’s day in 10+ years.

         1. I work in Northern Ireland, so we get messaging we are supposed to share with students re. Being a good citizen and not engaging in sectarian behaviour, etc.

   4. My Irish American mom always made corned beef and cabbage which she’d never eat but my Jewish dad loves. (You’ll never convince me this isn’t Jewish food.) so I made that last night and we played bing crosby’s st. Patrick’s day parade and Steve Earle’s galway girl and danced a lot with the kids. My toddler wore an Irish sweater and a green hair bow and my first grader wore a silly green golfing leprechaun tee shirt that I’d forgotten he owned. The first grader was mumbling something about “trapping a leprechaun” and I gave him a hard no. Eat your soda bread and let’s just enjoy a fun holiday, kids! Some of these new traditions just aren’t for us and that’s ok.

      1. It is Jewish food! The Irish Americans learned about simmering briskets in the tenements where they lived next to Jewish immigrants in NYC. It’s not an Ireland Irish dish, it’s an Irish American dish, just like there are lots of Italian American dishes originating from immigrants settled in New Jersey.

   5. Cb, is St Patrick’s Day a big deal in NI? And just for students or for older folks as well? Is it tied to religion/politics or a day for everyone to wear green and drink like in the US?

      I’m curious because I had some Irish colleagues visit years ago and they told me that St. Patrick’s Day was really not a big thing in Ireland. I’m wondering if that was just Ireland, or just them.

      1. I think it’s just them. I was in Dublin on St Patrick’s Day once and it was beyond crazy.

         1. I believe that’s specific to Dublin.

            1. And it was a big thing in the US first (NY) – the Dublin version is the “copycat”!

9. I did it – I tried washing clothes on cold cycle and I am happy to report back it worked! I tried my office clothes first (they basically just needed a refreshment), workout clothes (sweaty after spin class)… I feel old for having discovered cold cycle only now, but also excited. Little wins! Thank you for the recommendations/reassurance I got here. Fwiw, I use liquid Persil Sensitive (pack claims it works from 20C).

   1. I don’t think I’ve ever washed my clothes on anything but cold!

      1. I might throw it up one mark for towels and sheets, but yea I have never washed clothes on anything but cold . . .

   2. Yay for little wins!!!

   3. You’ll find most Asians wash clothes on cold cycle and it’s fine. We sort whites/ non whites and that’s it.

      1. We do?? My very Asian mom taught me to always use hot for sheets and towels.

      2. Don’t most people in general??

         1. OP here: Well, in my corner of Europe, we have been washing all on 40-60C. 40C was for delicates, 60C sheets and towels and sweaty-stuff (although many people wash bedsheets and towels on 90C). Wool and other fine materials were handwashed in the sink. The hot temps were supposed to get dirt, sweat and “bacteria” out :)
            First time I saw people washing all on cold cycle was when I was traveling around Patagonia and every laundry service was using cold cycle exclusively. Then blasting the clothes on hot while tumble drying.
            I only started using colder temps in the last few years. Now am a total convert to cold wash only.
            I guess it’s part of the beauty of discovering different cultures & countries.

10. Late response to Helloanon who was looking for mystery books by women writers yesterday:

    Check out the Brigid Quinn series by Becky Masterman, three books so far starting with Rage Against the Dying. The protagonist is a retired FBI agent, a woman about 60 and a total a**-kicker, and the stories are involving. (Well, the second book strained credulity a bit, IMO, but Brigid is still great.)

    1. Ooh I’m not that poster but these sound good!

    2. I am still waiting for the fifth Brigid Quinn book. I agree #2 was a bit out there. Good pick for St. Patrick’s Day, Brigid being Irish, of course.

    3. Thank you! :) Adding Brigid to my list!

11. Funny – I stalk and buy Bittar lucite bangles on TRR and eBay. I like the hinged ones with diamanté of some sort. It’s a fun hobby!

    1. I asked my husband for a neon necklace for my birthday last year and I totally love it.

    2. I love vintage lucite Bittar – what a fun post!

12. I was bombarded with enough social media ads to finally try bras from Understance. I wear a 36I in American sizes and got the Salma, a seamed cup, and Amber, a pull-on sports bra.

    Highly recommend the Salma – a lot of seamed cups give a pointy shape but this is nicely rounded. The Amber is fine – I got the 36 I/J and it runs a little small/high in the cups so I’m squished out the top a tiny bit, but it’s comfortable. Their size calculator was spot-on, but not a surprise either. They only have a few styles in my size so I won’t be getting more, but would definitely check them out if I was smaller.

    1. I recently tried them too (haven’t seen them on social media though, I came across them in a search) and am very pleased. I’ll be buying more from them for sure.

13. Can someone help me with this? I have a new colleague who has pronouns in his/their(?)
    signature as “he/they”

    I am confused as to when I use he and when I use they (and his and their, etc). Thank you! I don’t know him well enough to ask and I don’t want to come across as boorish.

    1. Tradwick would spend zero time worrying about this.

       Perhaps a reformed Tradwick would ask once, directly and without wind-up, and then do whatever the answer was.

       1. I am asking because I would like to be the anti-Tradwick! I assume Trad would use “he” exclusively and probably “she” behind coworker’s back.

       2. Ok sure, but obviously people should care about this more than the Trad stereotype does. So this isn’t very helpful.

          1. Idk. IMHO, use whichever of he or they feels more natural to you, and give it no more thought than that. If they actually prefer “he” or “they,” surely he will tell you. So, no more thought necessary than noticing the pronouns and making a reasonably good faith effort to respect them.

    2. It wouldn’t be wrong to ask if they have a preference. But generally, when someone lists two sets of pronouns, it means they’re comfortable with either, so you can refer to this person as “he” or “they.”

       1. +1.

    3. https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/05/people-use-pronouns/

       1. Thank you. So alternating is ok, which I somewhat suspected, but the article also says essentially my colleague would use he when feeling traditionally masculine and they when feeling non binary. I have to assume no offense will be taken if someone like me just doesn’t know what state he/they are in at the momen!

    4. Of course, “they” or “their” is alwasy grammatically corrent no matter what the gender.

       1. Is it? In place of “he”when the person uses he/him pronouns? I don’t think that’s true. It takes some getting used to.

       2. It’s always okay grammatically for indefinite reference or when they/their/them is someone’s pronouns, but not everyone uses they/their/them pronouns.

       3. Maybe. But it’s still very confusing to read regardless.

    5. I tend to go with the pronouns a person puts first in their pronoun list.

       However, if your colleague is someone with whom you’ll be working closely, it probably makes sense to ask your colleague if one set is preferred.

    6. Use “they” when you’d usually say he or she.

       Use “their” when you’d say his/hers.

       1. So no use of the “he” in the “he/they”?

          1. I have always assumed that he/they or she/they meant “he but also fine with they” or “she but also fine with they” as opposed to “exclusively he” or “exclusively she.” Is that not right?

             1. Yes, I read it as this person is trying to communicate that they’re cool with male pronouns and gender-neutral pronouns, without writing each one in every tense. You could say, “he left early” or “they left early”, as you could say, “check with him” or “check with them”.

                With condolences to sticks-in-the-mud, this part of language is evolving and “they” can refer to one person now.

    7. I feel like there are differences of opinion about this – I was at an (actually helpful!) DEI training for my kids’ school last week and the expert/speaker there said that the pronouns are in order of preference for use, but I feel like opinions differ on this issue. Since I haven’t run into this at work, I tend to spend most of my time desperately trying not to misgender a colleague who transitioned a couple years back. She is exceptionally gracious about this and my favorite coworker in her department, I just forget periodically and my anxiety ratchets up.

14. I need a better system for organizing jewelry. Anyone here have a Stackers jewelry box? I ike that it is expandable. Open to other brands but it should be a self contained box nice enough to keep on a dresser.

    1. Yes! Love mine! I mostly wear earrings and dainty-er necklaces.I keep my “daily drivers” in a dish on the bathroom counter and everything else goes into the Stackers on my dresser. Three boxes so far has been enough for me so far. The two most used are the one with a combination of compartments and the one that’s all little compartments (each holds a pair of earrings or one necklace).

       Got mine from the Container Store during a sales promotion

    2. I do. It works. Not the most attractive thing but something that can reside on top of the dresser just fine.

15. What are your investment/classic jewelry pieces? I tend to have Madewell/Catbird sterling silver besides my engagement and wedding rings, but am contemplating making a few investment jewelry purchases over the next few years for myself and my daughter (think milestones like 40th, 16th, high school graduation.) Am considering Elsa Peretti diamonds by the yard pieces, Mikimoto pearl studs or the Elsa Perertti Star of David necklace for my daughter’s bat mitzvah. I don’t have any nice furniture or other “heirloom” items and like the idea of jewelry being able to be passed down/available in times of economic crisis, if need be. Would love to hear your thoughts/what your pieces are (may repost during the week as well.)

    1. I’m big into jewelry for milestones. I personally like vintage and modern – very opposite ends of the spectrum. I’m in San Francisco and shop at Lang Antiques and Fiat Lux. They’re a lot more expensive than the Mejuris of this world, but they have gorgeous pieces that are great for building a unique collection.

       1. I’m in SF and have never heard of Lang Antiques, but now I know where my next jewelry purchase is coming from!

          1. They’re wonderful, my wedding ring is from there – gorgeous selection of vintage diamonds.

    2. Oh fun topic! Other people go for designer bags and shoes, I’m all about jewelry.

       Classics:
       I treated myself to large diamond studs after a recent promotion.
       Have a pair of gold hoops from my mom from the 90’s—they’re trendy again!
       Am considering a diamond bracelet as the next big self-purchase, but probably will be something fun/unique rather than a “classic” tennis bracelet

       Fun stuff:
       I have figured out which jewelry designers / style I love through our fabulous local jewelry store who carries lots of contemporary designers (Twist for those of you in SEA & PDX; they do have a website for those not local). I’ve received jewelry from there as combined birthday/Christmas gifts after telling my husband (when he asks lol) what designers I like and he selects the final item.

       Regrets: I had bought some fun gold plated and vermeil jewelry (Missoma, Mejuri, etc) in the last decade but now wish I saved my money and splurged on one or two 14k/18k pieces instead. Oh well.

    3. I wouldn’t buy jewelry as an investment. If the economy collapses how are you really going to sell that jewelry, and if it has sentimental value wouldn’t it be awful to have to sell it? You can’t count on its having sentimental value either, and even if it does have sentimental value it may not get worn. My daughter treasures my mother’s charm bracelet but has never worn it. Buy what you think will be meaningful and appealing to your daughter now and for the next decade or so. Don’t spend so much that you sacrifice other financial goals.

    4. I had a local jeweler make me a thin gold bangle for my 45th birthday (my mom sent me a check) and I recently had the same guy make me a trinity band ring in three tones of gold.

    5. I wouldn’t give any weight to the economic crisis point – assuming you’re referring to selling a piece?

       As far as long-term wear, I received a Diamonds by the Yard necklace for college graduation, and I am still wearing it regularly nearly 20 years later. The entry-level Tiffany (similar pieces to the Star of David, though not religious, like a heart or infinity symbol) now feel a bit young to me for the most part… but I did get a ton of wear out of them in my teens & early 20s.

       1. +1 to your first sentence. Diamonds have horrible resale value because they are artificially inflated to begin with. I suppose you’d have the best luck with sold gold pieces if you’re truly concerned about the resale bit.

          I have some expensive jewelry and watches and I buy them because I like them and they make me happy. The end. For economic security, I give actual cash to nieces and nephews – they don’t want my jewelry.

    6. My dh’s family is Greek, all the women, including the younger nieces, have the classic coin on a chain necklaces. https://cannonbeachtreasure.com/collections/greek-coins I also have a couple of versions of Greek key meander necklaces in 24k gold, and will buy them for my daughter and daughter in law on future trips.

    7. In an actual economic crisis your pieces will be almost worthless. If this is something that is concerning to you, you are better off investing in portable medical supplies, and other trade goods that will be of higher value in a crisis.
       None of my jewelry is of a named brand, and my favorite pieces that I inherited have no significant monetary value. They are pieces that meant something to the original owner or were given to me by the original owner.
       All that is to say buy the pieces you like for those occasions without worrying about resale value or whether someone in the future that doesn’t exist yet might want them.

16. Does anyone have a red light therapy device that they would recommend? I’m looking at treatment of body pains, not skin rejuvenation, so more interested in a wrap, or belt or stand up device, not a face shaped one.

    1. I had an infra lamp, super simple, adjustable angle, light bulb by Philips. I used it to heat up my back, it helped loosen up tight muscles. I used it for 15mins on upper back and then 15 mins on lower back.

17. Do your have friends you made as an adult, who just come over to hang out? I make friends easily, but in my early 30s I’m realizing that most of the time it’s only 1-2 years before one of us moves for career or family— meaning I have a large set of individual people who I visit or who come visit me, requires travel plans—- and a few people in my metro who when we do meet up, we always meet at a third place (meal out, show, movie, sporting event). I don’t have any local people with the vibe of let’s just “hang out” at our homes together. Can’t figure out if this is a societal difference for generational and or Covid reasons, or if I’m missing out.

    1. That pretty much stopped in my world once you are out of grad school etc.. and for sure once people couple off/buy houses/have kids. I love just hanging out at people’s apartments/homes, but I still live a pretty modest singles life and a basic small apartment. Maybe its a combo of life getting complicated, people not wanting to clean their homes for guests or have to have food ready just in case, or just “growing up” and thinking you have to “go out” to have fun. Honestly, I feel inhibited to invite people over to my small place now that my friends have more $$. And I find people are also more likely to bail when you just invite them over if its not for a particular “event”. I hear you though – I really miss hanging out. But people are busy…. and maybe like me most of your friends are $$ and they just want to go out and relax and don’t care if it costs $$. I’d rather keep it cheaper, myself.

    2. Not one-on-one really no. We gather for events and friends houses, but it’s rare I go to a friends house to just hang. Half of my friends have kids so it’s harder to fit a hang into their days. Things have to be planned. My childless and/or single friends often don’t want to host (myself included) as it feels like you have to do an extra clean or have something for the person to do or eat or something over and above what you would normally have around. I have animals that people are allergic too, so that doesn’t work for them coming over. Just lots of things that make it much more likely we go somewhere or only hang at the best house for entertaining for specific events.

    3. I have just relocated to a different country, but I used to “just hang out” with my “previous local” friends. One lived in the same building; one has a small kid and it’s just easier to hang out in her garden while he’s playing outside (she also loves to host, so delicious food is always served); I often hosted friends and family on my terrace.
       I don’t always feel like I want to put on fancy clothes and make/up and deal with the logistics of going to a restaurant and I also love just chatting with friends over coffee or cooking together. I would keep inviting people to “hang out at home”, some may enjoy it, some not and that’s ok.
       Ah, now I am nostalgic and miss my old friends :)

       1. I will add that for me (or my friends), this is not about saving money; it just fits our preferences on how we like to spend time together. I would happily hang out even in a small apartment as long as you serve nice coffee and chat

    4. We do this with neighbors (come over for a glass of wine after you’re back from walking the dog, etc) but this didn’t happen until we moved from a large anonymous condo building into a rowhouse.

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