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I feel like square-neck tanks are having a moment right now — and you can find a ton of them in bodysuits or crop top form.
For those of us who don't want bodysuits or crop tops, though, it can be a bit harder. I this this square-neck sweater tank from Halogen looks great. (Reviewers note that it's a bit low cut, which is in keeping with the trend — which is why I'm recommending it for the weekend.)
The top comes in five colors for $55-$69; you can also find it in plus sizes. There's a very similar sweetheart-neck tank (N.B.: it has a much higher back) — and there's a cardigan that matches both if you want to do the twinset look.
(If you'd prefer something with sleeves, this Joie top looks awesome.)
Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
Anon
A public service announcement that fabric softener and dryer sheets are truly bad for your appliances, the environment and your health.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/greener-laundry/
Anon
This makes me feel better about never using any of this stuff out of laziness.
Anon
I thank you for making breathing easier!
Anonymous
Fully support this PSA!
Anonymous
Sigh. Just buy green.
Anonymous
We stopped using them because of our kid’s allergies and honestly I don’t miss them at all. Such a waste of money as well.
Anne-on
This – vinegar in the fabric softener compartment and wool dryer balls do just as good of a job and my towels seem to be lasting longer without the weird texture they can sometimes get from fabric softener.
Curious
did not know about vinegar! cool.
Anon
This is what we do too.
Anonymous
Wool dryer balls are great!
No Face
I got mine at Trader Joe’s and they’ve lasted for years.
Curious
+1!
anon
Thanks for sharing this. I will throw mine away.
One note – I tried to transition to the wool dryer balls, and I broke my dryer. There is some sort of “sensor” inside the dryer cavity. A “ball” hitting it directly can break it! Curious if anyone else had this happen …
anon
You’re not the first person I’ve heard of this happening to. It’s scared me off from trying it because that’s the last thing I need.
Ellen
I told my cleaneing lady to stop using both fabric softener and wool dryer balls, b/c I now have my own washer and dryer in my apartement. I am not sure what she does use, but put a note on the door to the laundry closet NOT to use either of these going forward. I am so glad that I continue to learn from the HIVE’s wisdom, as I have now for probably almost 15 years. I do NOT remember when I first found Corporette, but it was likely after I was banned from the ABA’s web site. FOOEY on them. While I have had an up and down relationship with some of the HIVETTES, I do appreciate all that I have learned, much of which I have shared with Rosa and the Manageing Partner, both of who are VERY fashion sensitive. Kat, you are the glue that hold’s this site together and we should all celabrate your leadership! YAY KAT!
Anon
It happened to me too.
Emma
Never used either – I do use white vinegar for towels or other things that might smell a little musty. Dryer sheets make me break out in hives, even though I’m not especially sensitive to other scents. I don’t like dryer balls either, so I just use nothing and my clothes are fine.
Anon
Dryer sheets are actually fine:
https://slate.com/technology/2023/04/dryer-sheets-should-you-use-chemicals.html
Anon
As someone with migraines, I feel they’re chemical warfare.
Anon
Agreed, they attack my body and put me out of action for two days.
Anon
I get migraines. They make “free and clear” dryer sheets that don’t smell like anything, but work well to make clothes less staticky. I have never used fabric softener, but we use the sheets with our laundry, and they work well. Not giving them up, sorrynotsorry as we live in a very dry part of the country and without dryer sheets it takes a lot of work to separate clothing (and keep it from sticking to you as you wear it).
Anon
That’s fair! I found some that don’t bother me too. It must be some really specific ingredient in the strongly scented ones. I can’t even walk past a laundromat!
Anon
This.
Anon
Same! The “fresh” fragrance compounds are behind many of my headaches.
Anon
Not true. They cause my throat to close up. Please, please don’t use them.
https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/dryer-sheets-chemicals-alternatives-268459
pugsnbourbon
I stopped using them when my workout gear stayed funky even after a hot-water wash. Dryer balls and occasional vinegar all the way.
Anonymous
Workout gear fabric isn’t supposed to be used with fabric softener. You’ll see the note on the garment’s label.
Anon
Laundry soap instead of laundry detergent results in soft clothing without all that stuff. I like Indigo Wild’s laundry soap.
anon
I will fully cop to using dryer sheets during the fall/winter months because they help immensely with eliminating static electricity in our clothes. Sigh.
Anon
Static often comes from over drying (maybe you know this but don’t have time to babysit dryer loads). I’ve had success sorting fabrics by type and dry thin cotton/athletic gear for less time than jeans/sweatpants.
You can also ball up aluminum foil and throw it in
anon
Wow – love the aluminum foil idea. Thanks!
Anon
A humidifier in the house can help a lot with static electricity in general.
Anon
Thank you!
Anon
I hang my laundry on racks to dry (with some things on hangers in the bathroom). No energy needed except some elbow grease. Also, my clothing lasts much, much longer, because they’re not having the material leached via lint extraction during drying. The one or two times a year I do use a dryer, I take the items out after 20 minutes; you do *not* need to leave ’em in for the entire cycle (see lint leaching above).
Anon
Am I too late to get on board the shacket train?
anon
Yes
Cat
I feel like that was a one-fall fad personally and something I saw on influencers probably 150% more frequently than I saw in the wild… but if you like them then who am I to stop you!
Anne-on
+1 – they never appealed to me personally and I don’t think I saw them IRL on anyone aside from a few college kids in town.
Anecdotally, the 90s seem to be well and truly back as ripped baggy jeans, tight tanks/’belly shirts’ and oversized flannels/button down shirts are all over the place. I’m enjoying seeing teens wear stuff I loved at their ages but I am taking a hard pass on doing the Angela Chase in ‘My So Called Life’ style again.
Anonymous
Of course not! I saw lots of them in my area last fall/winter. I don’t know if they’ll still be trending as much next fall/winter, but they won’t disappear overnight.
smurf
Maybe a regional thing, but in my midwest city they’re still super popular (among Gen Z and my fellow millenials)
Anon
Thank you, everyone, from a Gen Xer in Australia.Heading into autumn here and I want to be cosy. I’ve had a look but can’t find any checkered one here that are pure cotton or wool so that makes the decision for me.
Wildflower
Also Gen X in Australia! Glad to see I’m not the only one on here. Also wondering how to look current for autumn winter. I feel I’ve lost my way over the last few years.
Anon
Just went to Paris and saw tons of people wearing shackets
Anon
The only ones that are cute are the flannel shackets if you are on a woods vacation. The others look weird to me.
Anonymous
I’ve really had the financial wind kicked out of me in 2023. I posted a while back, I am recently divorced. Under our settlement, I assumed half of (a lot of) debt my spouse had racked up without my knowledge. I have payment plans running but am so bummed to see my savings sucked dry. I’m mid 30s, my savings are down to meager retirement (I had a later start in my professional career) and $8,000 in cash between savings and checking. I worked so hard to hit $50k savings and now I’m trying to figure out if I can make rent through the end of my lease or if I need to trade a car in. Well-meaning friends want to go to dinner and shows and go shopping to perk me up post split, but I haven’t bit the bullet to explain the financial hit. I’m not even sure what I am hoping for from this post but I am just feeling really down and frustrated that I didn’t know how bad things got and now I need to struggle and rebuild.
Anne-on
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I can 100% understand your frustration and anger. I would suggest letting one of your closer friends know the situation and maybe asking them to spread the word that while you’d love to see people it needs to be in low key/low cost ways? With spring and summer I think you can do a lot more beach or lake days (picnic or just meet for a walk/swim), meet people for an ice cream or dessert vs. a full dinner, or go to some outdoor concerts/shows that might be cheaper?
I don’t know your personal work/life situation but is it possible to do some sort of part time second job for extra cash? I’m thinking tutoring, pet sitting, door dash, or baby sitting? This is rough regardless, it’s ok to be sad and angry!
Monday
+1, I am so sorry you’re in this situation.
I agree with the suggestion to let someone discreetly tell people that you’re on a very reduced budget. If I were one of your friends, I would 100% be offering to take you out as my treat if you were comfortable with that. They may be happy to help in other ways too if they realize the need.
Anonymous
+2. I have friends who are on a tight budget and when we get together we choose low-cost activities like minor league baseball, the art museum with free admission, hanging out around the firepit, game night, the neighborhood pool, hiking, etc. All of these things are fun and saving money is good for everyone regardless of budget!
Anonymous
I would be honest(ish) with your friends. It blows that you’re assuming your ex’s debt but please don’t let it isolate you from social support! You don’t have to tell your friends the whole story at first, or even ever. Why not suggest alternate (inexpensive or free) activities in place of dinner and shopping and just say you’re building back a financial cushion after your divorce. Spring is a great time to explore new trails or share wine on the patio!
Anon
Low key for not close friends: “I would love to, but divorce is expensive and I’m rebuilding savings.”
The more detailed version: “Fun fact, when your spouse racks up debt without your knowledge, you’re responsible for half of it. Before you ask, yes I had a great lawyer, no I can’t do anything about it, upshot is that I’m stretched thin paying for Ex’s irresponsibility. How about drinks at my place?”
Anon
+1
And accept when your friends want to treat which they will.
anon_needs_a_break
Yeah i would 100% be rejecting any tendencies towards personal shame and placing the blame where it belongs. But I’m direct like that.
OP both these options are great and I hope you can use them
Lexi
This. +1 for each perfect response. You don’t deserve any shame, and if they make you feel that way, then they’re not your friend.
One of the things I’ve done when budgets were depressingly tight, is invite friends to dinner/brunch at my place. They’d bring wine and I’d cook. You can also do potluck.
Agree with the others who’ve suggested hikes, free outdoor music festivals, free outdoor movie nights, etc. That way you can have a life and manage expectations. It’s hard when you’re even watching gas.
anon
I am so so sorry. I’d bite the bullet and lay it all on the table for your friends — you’ll feel better once you do and I’m sure they’ll be nice about it. You didn’t do anything wrong and deserve support here, but you need to share to get that support.
Anon
I agree to bite the bullet and let your friends know. It’s like ripping off a bandaid and you’ll breath a sigh of relief when you no longer have to stress about their suggestions that you can’t afford. Also, not sure where you are located but it’s getting nicer out. What about doing things like picnics in the park where everyone brings a food or beverage item? Definitely not expensive and it’s fun! You can linger around and watch the sunset while still getting the benefits of being social. There’s so much to do that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg and good friends will understand.
Senior Attorney
I agree with all this sage advice, and I’m sending big hugs to you! And I leave you with these three thoughts that will hopefully put a bit of a smile on your face:
1. This time next year, things will be much better
2. The only way out is through
3. Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it’s worth it!
Senior Attorney
Also if you’re in L.A., email me at seniorattorney1 and I’ll come to where you are and buy you a drink!
Senior Attorney
at gmail
Anon
You’re so nice Senior Attorney!!!
Op
Thank you!!! I’m stuck in the cold Midwest but appreciate you SA and the others helping lift me up :)
Anon
Where in the Midwest? If you’re anywhere between Chicago and Indianapolis I would love to treat you to a meal or drink.
Cincinnati
OP, I’m in the Midwest too and would be happy to take you for a drink if you’re anywhere in the Cincinnati area.
Anon
If you’re near Cincinnati, I’ll buy you a drink.
Op
All – you brought tears to my eyes, honestly. I am on the border of a Dakota, so not quite the right part of the Midwest for you! I took your advice and am telling friends as invites come, rather than trying to do some kind of group shot. Thank you all for the lift.
Anon
Not OP, but this is so kind!
anon
I am so sorry. If I were your friend, I’d want to know so I could make better hangout suggestions for low- or no-cost activities. It’s your business, of course, but I’d feel bad if I were stressing my friend out when I just want to see her and offer her support during a crap time.
Anon
Yes agree!
No Face
First, congratulations! The problems he causes in the future are now all his problems. 30s is young and you have your whole life to rebuild.
Second, definitely tell your friends! I bet most of them will understand and be happy to do free/cheap things or treat you. If they don’t understand, divorce them too.
Anonymous
Just wanted to say I’m so sorry. But better you found out now before he dragged you further in the hole. I invested a lot of hard work, my youth, in many ways my health, and SO MANY opportunity costs into a business that suddenly left me with almost nothing due to someone else’s shadiness. When I get too upset and angry (which still happens sometimes), I try to remind myself that it’s better that it happened then instead of now. It’s easy to get into a cycle of bemoaning how things went. But try to keep in mind it could have been worse–you could still be having him stringing you along. The good thing is that you can trust yourself and won’t be attached to that anchor any longer. Sooner than you know it, you’ll rebuild. Life isn’t linear. But he’ll still be the irresponsible person that creates chaos.
Anon
I would want to know so I can either treat or pick something free/cheap. I bet sharing will actually bring you closer to your friends!
anon
+1
Your friends want to support you. Let them.
Anonymous
Does anyone know of an effective method for managing the physical effects of stage fright other than beta blockers? (I know everyone takes them, but assume they aren’t an option for health reasons.) I am a trained classical musician who “retired” from performing a couple of decades ago, went on to a career that involves a lot of high-pressure public speaking, and is now starting to perform as a soloist again. All of the public speaking experience has made me very good at handling the psychological and emotional aspects of performance anxiety. The physical aspects don’t impede my performance when speaking, but the trembling and lack of breath support create a real problem for my performance as a musician. I’ve tried the centering technique in the book Fight Your Fear and Win, and it doesn’t alleviate the physical symptoms. Are there other techniques that are more effective, maybe those used in the military or the shooting sports?
Anon
It won’t work while you’re onstage but singing stimulates the vagus nerve. It calms you down mentally and physically. Maybe try that before a performance? I prefer songs that get me out of breath – Water Under the Bridge by Adele is perfect.
anon
Yeah,.. this is rough. Some of us never get past it, or play in the orchestra section instead of as the soloist, if you know what I mean. Too bad beta blockers aren’t an option. A knowledgeable physician could do a trial of a calcium channel blocker, but if low blood pressure is the issue that might not work for you either.
You could try to just double down on doing mindfulness practice/relaxation exercises/yoga to try to optimize the attention areas of your brain. It really can work, but takes a lot of practice. If you have underlying anxiety, avoid the caffeine before the audition/performance and think about a trial of a different long term anti-anxiety medication. Alternatively, you could look for a therapist who works with performance artists who have this problem. In theory, it should improve some with time as your skills continue to re-equilibrate – like with your public speaking.
Anon
I take beta blockers and they are immensely helpful for presentations. That said, learning Alexander Technique also was useful. I used to think presenting anxiety was all in my mind, but learning this technique really helped me focus on my body through grounding exercises etc. Lastly, a trick I learned is to think about your feet. Your feet are a really neutral part of the body where you don’t feel anxiety. Focusing on the physical sensations in your feet can take your mind out of the physical anxiety sensations in your chest, arms, and throat.
anon
Alexander became incredibly popular in the 80’s and 90’s among my violinist peers, particularly when people developed over-use syndrome issues/poor positioning etc… Interesting it helped you with presentations!
Anonymous
Try a benadryl. It’s not as strong, but it can help with anxiety. My friend recommended once to me and hit has helped tremendously.
anon
Ooof! What a terrible recommendation. For many benadryl will make you sleepy, make it hard to concentrate and could worsen your dexterity. I can’t imagine a worse choice for a musician about to perform, possibly for hours…
Anonymous
When you have a bunch of adrenaline going, the benadryl counters it. Yes, you would be sleepy if you weren’t having the physical effects. But I’ve always felt less shaky and sweaty and way more in control. I had to do a speaking tour for work. There is no way I could have made it through some of those situations without.
anon
But were you playing solo Bach partitas over 2+ hours? No…. absolutely no…..
Also, some people have the opposite effect from Benadryl – and instead of becoming sedated/tired/inattentive, they become paradoxically more anxious/shaky/nervous etc..
Just want to make sure no one takes this advice, it is so wrong. I would hate for someone to try this right before something important, not knowing how they might react.
I do appreciate though that you are sharing your personal experience. It is just a bad drug for many reasons, and you would be surprised how folks vulnerable to anxiety can self-medicate and use medicines inappropriately.
Anonymous
Benadryl is a sedative. Beta blockers work differently—they just mitigate the cardiovascular effects of stress without sedating. On Benadryl you don’t care what’s going on. With beta blockers you still care, you just get control of your body back.
Anon
Omg don’t do this! I’m tone deaf and about as far from a professional musician as you can get, but Benadryl makes many (most?) people sleepy and even if you don’t get sleepy, it messes with your focus and reaction time, which seems like it would not be good for singing.
Anonymous
Elie Tahari has some square neck tops and tanks that aren’t cut so low. I loathe tops that don’t play well with my bra, and these low ones seem like lingerie disasters.
Anon
What type of bra works with square neck tops? Even my strapless one shows. Is this what balconette bras are for? I have a perfectly cute square neck shirt that I can never wear!
AIMS
I think so! Or maybe demi bra? This is my favorite cut of both short and bra – something along these lines should work: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/demi-contour-underwire-bra/7333558?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001
Cat
On topic for once, but if you like the look and want a full-length top, the JCrew “Perfect-fit shelf-bra tank top” is fantastic and includes a relatively sturdy shelf bra. Sturdy enough that my C cups feel sufficiently ‘locked and loaded’ to go in actual public in it, and I otherwise never go out without at least a bral3tt3 on. I take a M.
Anon
Counterpoint–I am short waisted but tall and I bought this in XL (normal size) and it was both weirdly baggy under my armpits, and my npples were almost showing. I couldn’t figure out who on earth it was cut for.
Cat
ha, apparently someone who is long of torso! It’s the perfect height for my chest-to-neck measurement.
Anon
I have never found a shelf bra to be sufficiently sturdy for me to go out in public. 32DD, which is the equivalent of 36C, so not huge my any stretch of the imagination.
Anon
I have an older model from Uniqlo that I like. Current models are $30 each — still worth it?
Chl
I love my tanks with bra from Uniqlo. They’re not so much a shelf as a soft cup and I think they’re both comfy and supportive and perky.
Cornellian
As a counter: they seem to be well made but as a sort of lean wide rib cage-d/shoulder-ed women, they true to put my b-s closer to the center of my chest than they actually, are. Might not be the best choice for you if you fit that description.
Anonymous
I love a square neck. I think they’re the most shape flattering on me. I hope they stick around for a while.
anon
Same for me.
Anon
Does anyone else have a child with a disability where they just have lots of appointments each week? I am lucky that they are all local and I can often get first or last appointments (so we only miss a few hours of with or school versus a half day). But it is also so hard. I can probably never find another job this flexible but it is also a lot of emotion and not just time / white-knuckling. Being a working parent is hard and then this just adds another layer (plus we are t sure that we will be done with this at 18 even though kiddo has so far managed public school, although her diagnosis means automatic rejection by most area private schools). Advice? Just keep putting one foot in front of another?
Anonymous
This is so hard, and honestly it drives a lot of moms to quit working. What I have observed is that it’s generally hardest to handle at the beginning and tends to settle down to some degree once the treatment plan has stabilized and you’ve established a routine for the appointments. The emotional/stress part will always be there but it gets easier too, especially once you can see that the treatment is having an impact. Some parents like to have their own therapist to process everything with. Sleepaway camp (a specialty camp for kids with the diagnosis if necessary) can also be a good respite for parents.
Anon
It’s incredibly hard. When my son was a toddler, he had some delays and got put into physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy, and we also had to go to a number of specialist appointments, as well as meeting with our early intervention coordinator. I couldn’t deal with it and I was in an inflexible job working for a sexist boss who had a stay-at-home wife, and he made things really difficult for me, so I just quit and found a part-time job I could do around all the appointments. I stayed part-time for four years, until our son was in first grade.
It was worth it because A. our son is completely fine now, and if he wasn’t fine, I would always question whether or not we could have done more to affect the ultimate outcome for him, and B. Working part-time let me keep my foot in the workplace, and so my career didn’t get totally derailed. I did lose out on four years of contributing to my retirement and I had to make up for that later. I would make the same choice if I had to do it over again, but man – it really, really sucks that women have to off-ramp or downshift their careers to do what needs to be done for special-needs kids. It should not have to be this way.
Anne-on
Solidarity, it is SO hard and we ‘only’ have OT weekly plus another monthly doctor’s appt. (though the specialist visits also add on another ~6 doctors visits a year and they all seem to cluster in the same week). Is it possible to add in some child care to help you out? Our sitter (and our au pairs before then) did the OT/PT appointments (it was twice a week at that point). I did the first intake appointment and went to any visits where things were being changed or if we needed to do the exercises at home but for easily 75% of the visits it’s working on stuff they’ve done before and you just need a driver to get them there, sign them in, drive back. Can you also look at if all of the appoitnments are necessary to do in person? During the pandemic (obviously) we went virtual and did the exercises at home with some pretty easy to buy tools/coaching from the therapists.
Anon
I had to cancel PT/speech next week to take my kids to the dentist and the week after so I could see my doctor for a problem. I got some lip for cancelling (which I did way in advance), but I can’t just make it up at 11 or 2 or 3 b/c then I am basically losing a day of work or pulling one/both kids out of school for a day (and they have that work to make up while missing even more in-class instruction). I’m almost thankful our insurance only authorized PT/speech until the end of the school year (after that we should be off the list for OT). Our developmental pediatrician left and I am not sure if we should look for a new one (they deal with kids who are much more impacted — like not verbal and can’t go to a regular school and may not ever be potty trained), so they seem to think we’re fine, but while we’re “fine” for people with disabilities, the problem will likely really be that my kid is not going to compare favorably in a lot of key ways to non-disabled peers when it comes to ever landing or keeping a job.
Anne-on
I don’t know what state you’re in but if you have a formal IEP in place a lot of schools offer speech/social skills as pull outs in the school. I realize it may be different in your area or that you may not have it in you to fight for them to be provided (and oh god is the fighting SO exhausting). I’ve paid out of pocket for OT/PT first when we didn’t have a diagnosis (but stuff was obviously not right) or when we needed additional help/more than what we could get through school.
I agree though – there is a real gap in terms of help for parents with kids who can ‘pass’ or ‘mask’ enough that they can be mainstreamed but still have a very real need for social skills assistance or self regulation help. I did find some ‘outschool’ courses for social skills that I’ve heard good things about via my mom network of kids with similar issues.
Anonymous
What? This is exactly who developmental pediatrician is for. I honestly don’t know where my kid is – he was diagnosed as severe but is now above grade level. HFA? Not? Who knows. We see a Dp and she refers us to other people we need. Also encouraged me to get our coding classes covered by county grant.
Anon
Not a serious disability, but my 5 year old has weekly OT for a while and now has weekly speech and yea it’s a huge inconvenience for a working parent.
anon
I’ve been there. It’s better now (still have appointments but not as many), but it is incredibly difficult. My advice is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Also, I would definitely be asking my spouse to take some of the appointments; it shouldn’t all fall on you. I had to make that very clear. And although it was hard on me emotionally to not be there, it was the only way to increase my bandwidth a bit.
Anon
Ky daughter has autism and got approved for 40 hours of ABA therapy a week. I suspected that that was because of our good insurance vs her need (they had never seen her; she is in regular school and is a B student). IDK if that is typical bit of I work and she is in school how the hell do you even do 5hours a week?! We were in the waitlist for years and I just gave up. We are muddling through, which isn’t great, but just trying to cobble together supports where we can. Ugh.
No Face
Have you taken her diagnosis to her school for an IEP evaluation?
Anonymous
Yeah… 40hrs of Aba which is a billion/dollar industry with roots in gay conversion therapy.
That said, as someone who gave aba a try: they mean it with parental reinforcement as part of the 40. Or: it’s the new way of institutionalizing your child. (My 2.9 year old also was prescribed 40 hours a week… should’ve been my first f’ing clue.).
Anon
I understand ABA is controversial in the autism community, but I don’t see what’s wrong with a 3 year old being prescribed 40 hours/week of group therapy? Many 3 year olds are in daycare or preschool 40 hours/week.
Anonymous
Aba isn’t group therapy. It’s your kid in a private room with an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) working on compliance, purposely making your kid do stuff they don’t want to do. You usually have 2-3 RBTs at once who swap out.
Anon
I thought at that age daycare and preschool were supposed to prioritize unstructured play.
Whatever you think about it otherwise, ABA is all about control and shaping behaviors and structure. It explicitly sets goals of discouraging some kinds of play while encouraging other kinds of play (exactly what is considered developmentally inappropriate at this age).
Remember this is also a really sensitive population (some kids do fine or benefit from long hours of daycare and preschool, but those would be really long hours of time spent trapped with a lot of other people even for a lot of adults with spectrum disorders, who have the resources and coping mechanisms that small children lack).
Anon
Yes, daycare and preschool should prioritize play, but so do many kinds of “therapy” for kids that age. My preschooler has done occupational therapy and speech therapy and they were both very play-based, to the point that she loved it and begged us to keep going once she no longer needed services. If ABA is anti-play, it sounds like the problem is ABA therapy. But there’s nothing inherently problematic to me about suggesting a kid that age needs a large number of hours of therapy, because therapy for that age group can be play-based and very fun.
Anonymous
40 hours of preschool is ok, 40 hours of play base group therapy is probably fine for plenty of kids, 40 hours of ABA therapy is not good. ABA is ‘how do we make autism more palatable to the general public’. It’s not focused on what is best for the child.
No Face
Getting arrives through public schools was such a game changer for me! It all happens at school.
If that is not an option, are you able to hire someone to take kiddo to appointments? This is a great gig for for college/grad students. I knew a group of girls in college who all had shifts taking care of the same disabled person.
No Face
“Arrives” should be “services”. I hate my phone sometimes.
Anon
OP: our schools refuse social services because kiddo’s struggles are not academic. Like, have you heard of autism? Please stop calling my kid “artistic”. Ugh.
No Face
It may be worth the effort to find a education attorney who represents students and families in your area. Some districts don’t understand their obligations. My daughter’s academics are mostly on track and she receives all kinds of services through her public school.
Anon
Is there anyway to have these appointments during school? I had in-school speech therapy as a kid, and my brother had the same for OT.
Jellybean
I do! And it’s really nice to see so much solidarity here! I post on the moms page sometimes and had gotten the sense that not many readers there have kid(s) with disabilities, but that could have been anecdotal to the few times I’ve posted about it.
It’s so hard. I also have a flexible job and am grateful for the ability to get the “good” appointments schedule wise, but it’s still really tough! It’s a huge part of my experience and my daughter’s life (both the schedule and the emotional part you note below) that I feel my friends just don’t “get”.
My only practical advice/experience is that my daughter does OT/speech back to back, and they’re drop off appointments, so I drop her off and my DH will then pick her up and take her to school (or vice versa depending on work schedules). Not sure if you have a partner (or drop off appointments), but this set up has helped us a lot.
No Face
The moms page is really geared towards the baby stage.
Jellybean
That’s true! Mine is 2.5 so still baby-ish and was diagnosed with her disability as an infant, so I started posting then. But I hadn’t previously considered that diagnoses come much later for most.
Anne-on
Agree. I think it reflects the age of the blog (I started reading as a baby consultant in the early days) and many readers simply don’t have tween/teenagers yet. Imho it’s a harder stage as the stakes are higher and there is less sharing amongst IRL friends. Like, I could talk allll about my baby’s nursing/sleep/poop habits with my mom groups but I wouldn’t throw out to the class WhatsApp, or my Facebook friends ‘hey, just got this diagnosis and looking for good therapists, who would you suggest?’ My kid has their own right to privacy that I totally respect but it also makes it really isolating if you’re dealing with someone outside of the usual kid experience.
Anon
Agree with this point generally (that big kids have bigger problems and need more privacy) but I will say I’m in a local parenting FB group and people post anonymously for therapist recs, etc. regularly. So that is a resource. But it definitely doesn’t fill the void of being able to confide in friends.
Anon
I disagree. The majority of the posters there now have at least one in kid in elementary school. It definitely skews under 10, but not just babies.
Agurk
I don’t have a kid, but I deal with this for my own chronic illness. multiple appointments every week. thank God I have a flexible job, but I go to the doctor all day and work all night, which is if course stressful and not good for my illness. I wish I had solutions for you.
Agurk
whoops, nesting fail!
Anonymous
Yeah, and I don’t have my own illness, but I’m doing this for my chronically ill Spouse. I am enormously grateful for the flexibility of my current job, and that’s a form of golden handcuffs.
Anon
I also have my own chronic illness to manage. Currently it’s not so bad, but I’ve definitely had times where I had PT or other appointments multiple times a week. It absolutely limits the type of jobs I can take, and is even worse because I have to deal with people judging me a worse employee because of my disability, even though I’m perfectly capable and hard working and committed to my job in every other way. It sucks.
anon
Any recommendations for swimsuits that have the support of LE but come in cuter patterns and colors? I’m trying with LE, but I just cannot make myself do it. I like coverage but also want something fun? Size 14, longer torso, for reference.
Chl
I love Boden for structured and cute swimsuits and I have a long torso.
Anonymous
I’m a 34G and like to get bra-sized swimwear with an actual underwire bra inside from companies like Panache, Fantasie, or Freya. Lingerie stores like Bare Necessities and Linda’s carry them.
Anon
+1
Anom
+1. 30DD to 30E. Need actual support of a bra. When I was younger and tried a more standard bikini top, I used to get terrible neck aches from wearing the swim suit. Actual bra support was a game changer.
Anonymous
Gottex?
AIMS
Not entirely fashion forward but check out Garnet Hill to see if you like anything. Summersalt also has cute suits though I have no personal experience.
Betsy
Summersalt has been all over my social media the last year. I finally caved and bought a suit and I love it. They have long torso sizes too.
dear reader
+1 I got the one shoulder Summersalt last year in pink and red and it is awesome. It’s a great balance between securely covered and not feeling frumpy.
ArenKay
Title 9.
LA
PSA for Senior Attorney and all other LA ‘rettes: Descanso Gardens. Everything is blooming now. Cherry blossoms. Lilacs. Tulips. Everything. All info at their website.
TravelDreams
Thanks for the reminder! Hello LA folks!
Senior Attorney
Oh, thanks! I had already suggested that to Hubby for tomorrow and you have pushed me over the edge to make it happen!!
Senior Attorney
Update: We went yesterda and it was FABULOUS! Thanks for the nudge!!
LA
Yay!
Anon
Not in LA but went to a botanical gardens today and it was peak bloom. So lovely.
Anon
I posted a few days ago asking if anyone had anecdotes about switching from prescription tretinoin to OTC retinol products but wasn’t able to respond to the questions. My reason for using tretinoin is anti-aging benefits. But despite using tretinoin for years now, I still get pretty flakey, which is very annoying. My skin is generally very good so I just want to maintain. Will retinol provide good results without the flakes?
Anon
Possibly. Have you checked out Adapalene yet? I’d do that first. Brand name Differin. It’s meant for people who can’t tolerate tretinoin.
Anon
“ A 2018 study compared the effectiveness of adapalene versus tretinoin at treating signs of photoaging, including wrinkles. The study of over 100 people lasted 24 weeks. It found that adapalene 0.3% gel and tretinoin 0.05% cream both improved the appearance of wrinkles. One product didn’t work better than the other. And they had similar side effects.”
https://www.goodrx.com/classes/retinoids/adapalene-vs-tretinoin-wrinkles
The problem with moving to Retinol and other lower level retinoids is that they aren’t retinoic acid immediately, your body has to covert them to retinoic acid in a slow two-step process, which can take months. So if you switch and they seem gentler, that’s probably because they’re not doing anything.
Since you’re already tretinoin-acclimated, I’d stick with perhaps a lower strength tretinoin or switch to adapalene, which many report has fewer side effects than tret.
AnoNL
I switched to lower concentration (from 0.1% to 0.05%) and apply only every 2nd or 3rd night and it keeps my acne at bay and I still see anti-aging benefits (no deep wrinkles, even skin tone, good volume & elasticity, even texture).
Anonymous
Are you using the gel or the “micro” formulation of tretinoin? I can tolerate the micro but not the gel.
Anon
I just discovered that an online order I placed through Shoprunner is set to be delivered to the wrong address in a different state (a relative who I previously sent a package to apparently). The package is with USPS right now. I am on hold with customer service with the retailer (not Shoprunner) and haven’t spoken with any human yet. Does anyone have experience re-routing a package that is in tr@nsit and have advice on whether I should be dealing with retailer, Shoprunner, or USPS?
Anon
You’ll just need to suck it up and deal with it after it’s delivered. Call your relative and explain and ask them to send it to you once they get it.
Cat
+1, there is no way that USPS, even if they can lay their hands on the package, will be sufficiently organized to put a new label on it midway through delivery to get it to your address. Way easier to let your relative receive it and then pay them the cost of mailing it to you.
anon
Oh, I’ve definitely done this before! Accidently sent it to one of my previous addresses. Usually I don’t realize it until it has already been sent back to the company. As long as I am apologetic, they have always sent it back to me at my correct address with no additional charge.
But once when I sent a purchase accidentally to my old address, it “disappeared”… was never sent back to Nordstrom. Someone kept my bras…. But Nordstrom still sent me a new order, no extra charge! Unbelieveable.
Anon
The person who used to live in my house sent what seemed like half a nursery to my house accidentally when she had her baby. I tracked her down, waited until it seemed like the onslaught was over, reboxed it into one big box and sent it to her. Once it’s in the mail, there’s nothing to do but work it out with the person it went to.
anon
That was so kind of you.
Anon
I’m just waiting to hear that my dearest friend has died from metastatic breast cancer. It’s devastating. Sixteen months from diagnosis to this. Please keep getting your mammograms and Pap smears.
Anon
I’m so sorry.
Curious
I’m so sorry.
anon
Oh, this is awful. I’m so so sorry.
Anonymeause
Help me shop! Looking for workhorse pants for HOT weather. Usually wear BR Sloans daily but they’re a little too thick for the office. I know linen is cooler but maybe not a workhorse? Are there any lighterweight pants you’d recommend….I’m short so can’t be too wide and floofy!
Anon
Athleta Brooklyns? And I just got Planck washable ones with an elastic back waist from JCF that are doing great and even go in The dryer.
anon
+1
Brooklyns for me, but they are really casual, in my opinion. Like athletic pants (synthetic performance fabric) that my high school coach might wear to be slightly more dressed up at a competition. But post-COVID casual means that they are probably fine for a lot of workplaces.
Anonymous
Talbots chinos?
Anonymous
I inherited an accent chair from my great aunt, and one of the legs broke. I am overwhelmed with options trying to get replacement legs. Any suggested places that don’t cost an arm and a leg? I may need custom because of the age of the chair.
Anonymous
What’s the etiquette for offers on eBay? With Poshmark I know there’s more of a communal aspect. There I don’t mind giving and/or receiving lowball offers. Is it the same on eBay? Just curious how others think about it.
Anon
A related question is I am wondering how much hassle there is to selling on Poshmark.
Cat
I don’t find posh ‘communal’ at all. If there’s something i want but not enough to pay the posted price, i offer what i think is reasonable. Same with eBay. Worst they say is no.
Anonymous
I think eBay is much more about offers than poshmark. eBay is an auction site.
Senior Attorney
I make offers on eBay all the time and most often they are accepted. Just give it a shot!