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Weekend Open Thread

blonde Asian woman wears pink and white blanket scarf; she is also wearing a gray sweatsuit

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I keep seeing big scarves like this, and I'm starting to like them. Something about the scale of the stripes with the oversized nature of the scarf just makes me really happy.

This pink and white number (with teensy hints of purple) looks great. It's $51 at Nordstrom. Topshop was absorbed by ASOS, and ASOS doesn't have this pink version but has a bunch of other similarly oversized scarves, including some from & Other Stories. If you want a bit of an upgrade, check out this mohair version at COS for $135. On the “try the trend for cheap” side you have this scarf from Amazon (and they have a bunch of brighter colors if pastels wash you out).

Just a reminder – our giveaway ends Monday night! Three people will win a $250 gift card to a store of your choosing… if you haven't entered (by taking our survey), now's a great time to do it! More details here.

Sales of note for 12.5

152 Comments

  1. Shop for me? I’m in my late 30s and don’t know what we wear on dates anymore. What are “going out tops” at this stage? I wear black foundation garments, have a bit of a tummy but would like to accentuate my robust cleavage. Under $100 for tops. Also open to dresses?

    1. Haha I see nobody else knows how to dress anymore either. Is there a subscription box that would do this well? The last one I got (blanking on the name, wasn’t stitchfix) sent me nothing good.

      1. I love slouchy silk blouses (either deep v or unbuttoned) for this. Feels like a grown-up way to show some skin.

    4. I like tops that have some sort of interesting structure but don’t accentuate my middle much. Like:

      https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=401361002&cid=5037&pcid=5037&vid=1&nav=hamnav%3Awomen%3AWomen%27s%20Clothing%3ATops%20%26%20Blouses&cpos=8&cexp=2252&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D5037&cvar=17249&ctype=Listing&cpid=res23120904944860547289653#pdp-page-content

      https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=841788012&cid=5037&pcid=5037&vid=1&nav=hamnav%3Awomen%3AWomen%27s%20Clothing%3ATops%20%26%20Blouses&cpos=35&cexp=2252&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D5037&cvar=17249&ctype=Listing&cpid=res23120904944860547289653#pdp-page-content

      https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=817602002&cid=5037&pcid=5037&vid=1&nav=hamnav%3Awomen%3AWomen%27s%20Clothing%3ATops%20%26%20Blouses&cpos=61&cexp=2252&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D5037&cvar=17249&ctype=Listing&cpid=res23120904944860547289653#pdp-page-content

  2. I need to set up an actual office (read: desk) in my tiny (perfect) apartment. What do I absolutely need? Do we still use ring lights? Any protips?

    1. There’s no way I would be as comfortable and productive at home as the office-office if I didn’t have the same setup -dual monitors, real keyboard and mouse, docking station, webcam, lamp that casts flattering light (doesn’t have to be a ring). I ordered a Wayfair flat-pack desk since so many of the PB type models are either enormous and assuming I have a giant home office, or the size of a console table for perching to occasionally scroll email on a laptop.

      When I’m done working I drape pretty tea towels over the monitors so I don’t have to see their big black faces staring at me!

      1. Great point in that last line: I despise the matte black rectangles just floating there. I wish they made a Frame TV-like monitor (…which I guess you could rig with a screensaver but it feels different…and leaving it on feels wasteful).

        1. The tea towels are a great idea! What desk did you get? (Debating drawers and stuff. UGH! Wirecutter wants me to spend $3000 on office supplies.)

          1. Mine is not stocked anymore but I searched for white, drawers, and keyboard tray — which narrowed it down to like 5 options.

    2. +1 to monitor, keyboard, mouse and webcam. A table might work as a desk, but be sure you have a small drawer for essentials you need during the workday, like pens, scrap paper, hand lotion, tissues. Most important, invest in a chair that will help you keep everything ergonomic.

        1. I like the ones that have physical covers you can slide or flip on and off so I don’t accidentally join video calls when I’m not prepared.

    3. I bought an ergonomic seat cushion and another cushion that clips onto a chair for back support. This was so I didn’t have to buy a dedicated office chair. Otherwise I get back pain.

      1. Yeah the wirecutter office chair is $1500. I do not have that kind of chair money!

        1. If this is a long term arrangement, it’s probably worth saving up for a good ergonomic chair.

    4. I have a glass table as a desk (CB2 Silverado), with a good but attractive lamp (a globe style), a leather-like desk mat I found on the river si t e, a laptop, mouse, and one monitor. I recently added a decent USB mic and while I like the utility of it, it’s uggo and now I have a real cord management issue.

    5. I have an Ikea desk with the Alex drawers on one side and love it. I tried only having a table, but I just have too much clutter out if that’s the case, and like putting thing away in the drawers.

    6. As far as replicating what you have at work, I have found that I am perfectly happy with a single large monitor at home even though I use two monitors at work. I think mine is a 32″ curved gaming monitor that I got on sale during the Christmas season a few years ago. There’s enough space for me to open two documents side by side and still read them and to overlap the windows I keep open so that it’s easy to switch back and forth, but it cuts down on the number of cords and looks a little neater.

      1. Same. I got some extraordinarily cheap wide monitor from Amazon years ago, and it’s just fine for looking at documents side by side. Word on the left and ECF or the pdf on the right. When I changed jobs to one that required heavier used of my Outlook calendar, I started leaving my laptop open and displaying my calendar. That’s to the left of my monitor.

    7. Lots of good ideas that I won’t repeat. One additional thought — a glass mat for under your chair. You need a mat to protect your rug or floor unless you have tile or stone. But a plastic mat hides your pretty floor and is very inattrative (IMHO).

    8. I got a big, minimal desk from IKEA that looks nice and feels sturdy. No draws, feels a little like a drawing table, and isn’t a standing desk. You might also think about what’s worked for you in the past ergonomically and try to lean into that. I know some people really need standing desks (back issues) or lower seated desks/keyboard stands (arm alignment).

  3. The Vox article about millennial dread about becoming a mother that was posted in the Weekly News roundup really nails the issue for me. I put off TTC for a long time because I was practically petrified by all the horror stories being shared. I almost never heard anything happy and I heard a lot of normalization of anxiety (not that having anxiety makes you abnormal, but I heard symptoms of severe anxiety or other mental health conditions presented as “part of motherhood” pretty regularly). This part of the article speaks to me in particular:

    “When I started asking women about their experiences as mothers, I was startled by the number who sheepishly admitted, and only after being pressed, that they had pretty equitable arrangements with their partners, and even loved being moms, but were unlikely to say any of that publicly. Doing so could seem insensitive to those whose experiences were not as positive, or those in more frustrating relationships. Some also worried that betraying too much enthusiasm for child-rearing could ossify essentialist tropes or detract from larger feminist goals.

    But that conscientiousness — and occasional pessimism — is giving motherhood short shrift. “The pendulum on motherhood swung, and that was a necessary corrective to all these sugar-coated unrealistic fantasies, but we have gone too far,” Leslie Bennetts, a veteran journalist and author of 2007’s TheFeminine Mistake, told me. In the book,Bennetts, now 74, observed that the mainstream media had long “harped endlessly on the downside” of juggling motherhood and work and rarely explored the rewards. This remains true 15 years later. “My entire friend group, we all raised great kids, but we’re not writing that because we don’t want to be insufferable,” she told me. “If we say anything about it, people hate you, and I understand that. There are cultural taboos against talking too much about it, and huge penalties for women bragging about anything.”

    I’m now pregnant with my first and it still feels like a huge leap of faith (plus, it’s early), but I’m looking for ways to shift the narrative so I can not dread this. I’m sure others are able to do that without much effort but for me, choosing the path of optimism does take effort. I’m really glad to see this article.

    1. I’m a 40-something attorney and mom and I feel like I spent more time than I should explaining to associates and women at my firm that it’s possible, I’m not burning the candle at both ends and am actually happy with my choices in life.

      2. I once had a new female associate tell me I had no idea what it was like trying to work at a law firm and make your hours while having a kid. (She did not yet have one.) I thought some of the other people in the conversation were going to go blind their eyes were rolling so hard.

        I tried to be kind in explaining that I had a child as an associate 20 years ago and three-quarters of the women at the table also had children. What I wanted to say was that women currently in their 20s did not invent practicing law while being mothers and that the world has not gotten more sexist or less accepting of mothers in the workplace in the last 25 years. It just goes to show that every generation thinks they have it harder than the ones that came before (and every generation complains about “young people these days.”)

        1. Perhaps not, but at least at the large firms the billable expectations now are higher than they were 20 years ago, thanks to the nuclear arms race to raise associate salaries. I say this as someone who practiced in the mid-2000s and watched our billable expectations go from a soft 1800 to a strict 2000+. That makes a difference to what’s feasible.

          1. I have enormous respect for women who practiced law while having families in the 80s and 90s, and I appreciate everything they did to pave the way for me, my contemporaries, and those who started practicing after me. But as someone who had a billing expectation (not goal) of 2150 billable hours, I did not appreciate having them held out as examples to me as “So-and-So made partner with 5 children, so it’s all fine at our firm” when So-and-So made partner when the firm had a goal (not expectation!) of 1750 hours and in the era before clients emailed and texted at all times.

            Again, huge respect and kudos. I’m not diminishing their accomplishments or the obstacles and sexism they faced. But the practice of law has changed in terms of sheer hours required, and this is why I saw a lot of parents (men and women) leave the large law firm where I became a partner.

        2. That will may be. However, my billable hours when my daughter was born in 2000 were 1900. The associate who who told me that I had no idea what it was like to be a working mother was working for a firm where the billable hour requirement was also 1900. We are talking 20 years not 40.

          Add to that the fact the firm I worked for when my daughter was born offered no paid maternity leave, (very typical for the time) whereas the firm she worked for would have given her six months I found her comment puzzling and out of touch with reality.

    2. I felt the same – I have always been on the fence about motherhood, as someone who never had specific ambitions for marriage and kids. Now I’m married, and share a lot of these fears. The fact that I haven’t been a hard “yes” or “no” on kids seems to make the whole process harder – especially when you hear horror stories, or see women in your family who bear 98% of the burden (even though you know your partner wouldn’t do that).

    3. I thought it was a great article, and I completely agree with the premise. And social media/online is a double-edged sword here; it is a great way to find support and information and a digital community that is helpful during lonely stages of motherhood. But, it also becomes an echo chamber, and the vibe is to complain. (See: all the reels about Mommy Needs Wine, toddlers screaming over nonsense, etc). And if you click on something once, you will be served a steady diet of similar content forever after! I find that the days I’m on my phone too much I am more pessimistic about motherhood; when I shut it down and focus on my family and live my life, it’s much more pleasant and fun.

      I’m pregnant with my fourth, so that should tell you how I feel about being a mother. It’s certainly challenging and an identity shift (even though I’ve wanted kids since I played with baby dolls, it was hard!), but I remind myself all the best things take work.

      Now I’m going to say something controversial, but for discussion: there is a lot of sacrifice required. “Having it all” is not possible, and that mindset centers the individual and what s/he wants, and can lead to a lot of strife. The family unit needs to be centered, and what is best for the kids, and that often involves both parents giving up a lot of what they originally wanted, in order to gain something else. It is this mindset that is helping me to enjoy motherhood and revel in the family we are creating. I am not saying women need to give up all aspirations, stop working, etc. Absolutely not. But resentment is bred from everyone in the family trying to do too much, and it’s important to set realistic priorities as a couple.

      For the OP, congrats! For me the worst part is pregnancy and labor, truly. I will take years of sleepless nights over that. It gets better.

      2. I agree with your first para that there is an echo chamber effect. I feel like there is plenty of content that covers the various angles of parenthood, but the algorithms want to feed you more of the same thing that you clicked on before. So you get stuck either reading about the Ugly Truths of Motherhood, or about the perfect mom who thinks driving her kid to soccer is her calling on this earth. Even though many perspectives exist on this spectrum, you keep seeing a small sliver.

      3. I have 3 and I 100% agree. Women can’t have it all. Men can’t have it all. It has taken some knock-down-drag-out fights in our hour but we are finally at peace. I work part time from home, husband works full time from home in a *seriously* cushy job. Our kids are 5-12. Life is pretty good.

        But also, neither of us are CEOs, and we could have been. We made hard choices in favor of family.

      4. I only had one, but also feel I need to talk about how I feel about being a mother: while many parts were not easy, most things in life that are worth it were not easy, and I loved being a mother through every stage of my child’s life. I will say, the newborn and infancy period were my least favorite, but that phase is over fast. It’s been interesting, every year of his life, to see how he grows and changes, and how his preferences and personality have emerged. Yes, sometimes the idea of “I am responsible for raising this human being” has seemed a little overwhelming. But there’s no feeling like watching your child accomplish something they’ve worked for, or coming to you for help with a problem, or just plopping down next to you on the couch and watching a movie. Sometimes I felt like my heart would explode because it couldn’t contain all the love I was feeling.

        I also completely agree with you, that it does require sacrifice. We did not travel internationally at all when my son was young, and we’d had done a lot of that before he was born. We could have saved a lot more for retirement if we hadn’t had a kid and been saving for college. Etc. etc. However, for me, being a parent was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. I did take a step back from my career when he was very young, but very honestly: after he was born, a lot of my motivation to strive and climb the ladder was gone. I wanted to be there for him, in the way I wanted. It wasn’t a hardship. And I don’t regret a minute of it.

        I will caveat all of this by saying that I have a wonderful partner who really did 50% of the parenting and does a lot of work around the house. I also had a housekeeper, we had excellent daycare when he was that age, and we have had really good luck with his schools – they’ve been challenging and supportive, in the right ways. I had family help from my parents when he was younger, also. My son’s sports coaches and teams were all part of parenting him. Kids get “raised” by many people in their lives – it actually isn’t all on you. You can build a community of people around you and your family that provide support, help, positive influences, etc. I see women putting SO MUCH pressure on themselves to be a “perfect parent” or a “perfect mother,” and you do not have to be perfect! And you do not have to do it all yourself. There should be many people in your child’s life who they can get guidance, love, support and structure from. It’s actually not all on you, unless you choose to set things up that way.

        If people know for sure they don’t want to be parents, that’s great and completely fine. I don’t believe having kids is an experience everyone “should” have. But if you’re on the fence and you are holding back because all you see online is how awful motherhood is, remember that it’s easier for people to explain the concrete negative things that they feel than try to describe the amorphous, but amazing, love and devotion they feel for their children. If you feel like you want to experience that, have a kid. And trust in your own ability to make it work as you go along. Because you will make it work.

    4. I’m really glad that someone is talking about this in a balanced way. I love being a mom… BUT I had a horrible pregnancy (antenatal depression – I was actively suicidal for eight months straight) and I actually like working.

      As for you: it’s so much fun to watch kids grow up! When they are little, everything is new (they learn their hands are attached to them) and they change so fast. When they get a bit older, you get to introduce them to all the cool things you like to do, and for them, it’s all the most exciting thing ever and completely new.

      One of the neat things about being an older parent (I was 39 when I had my kid) is that a lot of stuff is kind of… same old same old at this point. And I say that as a relatively adventurous person who is not easily bored. Having kids, though, it’s all new again.

      1. I agree with your last paragraph so much. I had my first at 38. It was never my intention to wait so long, but life got in the way and I think I’m such a better mom because it happened when I was older. I had done so much before I had kids, including all the high priority items for me. I was ready for a huge change in my life and love seeing the excitement that kids get from the world.

      2. I was younger than you guys (33) but still feel like waiting until I was really ready made things so much smoother. I think I would have been a much less happy mom if I’d had kids in my 20s or even early 30s. And I think it’s an important consideration for women who don’t feel ready for kids – even if they’re mid-30s and time isn’t on their side.

    5. Wow, I’ll add this to my queue, but I vibe with everything in the excerpt you posted.

      Women are socialized to consider the emotional experiences of others in how they describe their own emotional experience. Gently: fuck that. If you’re having a ragey time, tell people! If you’re sad, tell people! If you’re flourishing, tell people!

      The Taylor Swift POY article said that one of the magical things about her music is that she validates the full spectrum of female emotional experience. A broken heart is a big deal if it’s a big deal to you. Motherhood is a wonderful thing if it’s a wonderful thing for you. It is a hard thing if it is a hard thing for you. Whatever your experience is, share it loudly, speaking only for yourself.

      So speaking only for myself: motherhood has been incredible, rewarding, challenging, dynamic, and the most full- flowered experience of my life. It is a full spectrum of emotions every day, but the highs are so much higher than any other high in my life. Best wishes for a smooth delivery and for a community that lets you feel ALL of the postpartum emotions—including joy.

    6. I look at this sort of public narrative the way I look at Amazon or hotel reviews, or in general the news.

      There are two types of people that be very visible in the general news/blog/public information cycle:
      1) People who really struggle or have legitimate complaints about a service, products or experience (like child-rearing in a harsh capitalistic society)
      2) People who have an advantage to gain from building a community by portraying the happy ideal of whatever perfectionist thing is the new trend (mostly selling you stuff, including coaching/supplements/self-help books etc ).

      For most people, the parenting experience is not extreme on either end, but sort of OK, I guess? And where you are on the continuum between UGH THIS IS THE WORST to I HAVE AN AWESOME UNICORN LIFE changes over time and depends on stage of parenthood, other personal life things (marriage, taking care of aging parents, troubles with relatives or friends) and professional challenges. But most people do not spend much time on the extremes.

      In one day, there are a million things bout parenting that are supremely boring (telling my kid to help unload the dishwasher for the 20th time), some feel terrible (tantrum in the supermarket), and some are sweet moments (like cuddles and a joyful “good morning” from a bed-haired 8yr old).

      1. And, wanting to add – being a parent is not comparable with anything else I have done in my life before.

        I always said it unlocked a layer of my personality that I didn’t know existed. And it brings me lots of joy on most days. The hours may seem long, but the decades are short when you have kids.

        1. Agree with this comment. I’ve heard it described as higher highs and lower lows, and that’s been true for me. I would certainly have an easier, less exhausting life without my child, but (for me, personally, no judgment to others) a childfree life could not have brought the level of joy and happiness that good moments with my child bring.

    7. I’m Gen X. My kids are 8 and 11, so a lot of my peer parents are elder millennials. I was ambivalent about motherhood, still sometimes am? DH is an involved dad, but household responsibilities are not equal. Maybe you younger millennials will do better on that? If I were thinking about starting now as a parent, the current world might scare me from it.

    8. I hated the whole premise of that article, there’s no sudden wave of negativity, its just for the first time in human history we are being honest, we aren’t lying to women and perpetuating the crabs in a bucket mentality.

      1. That is how I felt about the article too. If you have money, paid parental leave, access to childcare and an equitable partnership with your spouse, being a mother will be wonderful most of the time. This is not most mothers’ experience, however, and I am glad we are finally being honest about it.

        1. I understand that is your belief (experience?) but it is simply not true for many people. The majority of the women in my family are solidly lower middle class. They do not have money, paid parental leave, or access to reliable childcare. Their spouses’ attitudes are solidly stuck in the 1950s. And yet they would universally say that their happiest moments have involved their children and have affirmatively elected to have more than one.

          In my case, I had 12 weeks of unpaid parental leave (although I live in California, so I got disability for the first 6 weeks). Childcare was my biggest expense for the first 2 years of my daughter’s life. I am single and have no relationship with my daughter’s father (donor insemination). And I would 100% do it all over again in a heartbeat. My experience is no less valid than those who would in their secret heart of hearts not make the same decisions again.

          I have nothing but respect for people who choose not to have children. People who do not want kids should not have them. But it disheartening to have my and many other’s lived experiences diminished or explained away by other women.

          1. Yeah, I am from a largely working class family – exactly the vibe you describe – and the sort of ruminating negativity any the experience of motherhood that the article talks about (and a lot of comments on this site, like OOO’s reflect) feels like really a feature of the wealthy professional class working mom experience.

          2. Completely co-sign. I love being a mother and I would not trade that experience for everything, and I don’t like it when people – especially people who aren’t mothers/parents themselves – try to tell me that I’m gaslighting myself about loving being a mom. I know my own lived experience, thanks, and I’m going to talk about it however I want to talk about it.

            Also. Most of my family is middle- to lower-middle class. They do not have the same kind of agita and anxiety about raising kids that I, and my upper-middle-class friends do. This is going to sound bad, but: their choices are limited (in terms of their careers, what kinds of schools they can put their kids in, what kinds of extracurriculars and enrichment they can afford) and frankly, they seem happier as a result. I think so much of what the article talks about is borne out of smart, achieving millennial women having choices (which is great!) but also being way too in their heads about making the “right” choices in every single instance (which is not). I have seen it on this board a lot: the chronic overthinking about every single little thing, to the point where the person is actively making themselves miserable by trying to reason out something that honestly should have been a 30-second choice. I am empathetic as I can overthink too. But I also think there is a point where you have to make a choice and go forward, and not get sucked into analysis paralysis over every teeny little choice. Parenting is what really taught me that, honestly.

            I am actually grateful for my cousins and other relatives who are not in the same “achievement Olympics” that my friends and I seem to be in sometimes. It’s served as a grounding force for me. When I go to Christmas dinner, my cousins aren’t agonizing over some of the choices I agonized over, which at the end of the day, don’t really make that much difference to a kid. Their kids are happy and healthy and get to do things they enjoy, and they aren’t in high-pressure schools or expensive travel teams for sports, so they seem to have more time and less stress. I absolutely think “wealthy professional-class working moms” are bringing a lot of misery onto themselves, and I say that because I am one, and I know I have done it to myself in the past.

            If there’s one thing I hope Gen Z can hold onto (per the conversation the other day), it’s the “goldfish mentality.” And hopefully they will adopt a perspective of, hey – not everything in life needs to be analyzed to death. Sometimes you can just do something and even if it’s not the absolute, perfect, best possible choice – it’s an okay choice. And it’s going to be fine.

          3. Yep—the family I have that is more blue collar does absolutely none of this navel-gazing, but the fellow lawyers in my life do.

          4. Agreed that this is a distinctly upper middle class phenomena. Lower middle class moms don’t have the luxury of time to worry about this stuff.

            I also think social media is a huge factor. 10 years ago moms of picky eaters, bad sleepers, tantrum-prone kids would vent to friends but the general attitude was “too bad, but it’s just a phase.” Now we have influencers like Solid Starts, Taking Cara Babies and Big Little Feelings who’ve built multi-million dollar businesses on telling parents that if you just parent the right way your kid will love raw jicama, sleep 13 hours straight and never have a tantrum. To a seasoned parent it just sounds silly, but tired, vulnerable new moms really fall for it and blame themselves when it doesn’t work. I really think in a few years we’ll start seeing research about the negative mental health effects of parenting influencers.

      2. But the flip side (and I have experienced it here) is that if you say that “actually my experience was not negative”, you are essentially accused of lying or sugarcoating YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE.

        If I say that I managed to balance my full-time career as a litigator, have friends, and enjoy my experience as a mother, I am accurately explaining my own lived experience of my life. But I have definitely had that questioned by people who insist that is not possible.

        The pendulum swings but it was due for a correction.

    9. I think this is a larger issue in our society. We went from a Leave it To Beaver “everything is just swell” default in our culture to one where wanting to be a mom is lame and “mommy needs wine to get thru her day, lol,” with neither extreme being accurate or helpful. But this is an issue everywhere – politicians used to be heroic do-gooders and now they are corrupts crooks and liars; America used to be the best country in the world and now we are a colonialist oppressor… I think maybe most people just don’t do well with nuance? Or maybe it’s just that it used to be more profitable to make things seem more perfect than they were and now people have also figured out how to monetize cynicism so we have to deal with both. But I agree it’s all a pendulum and we are on a rather extreme end of it that will (hopefully) self correct soon and will keep swinging again.

    10. The biggest thing that helped me was being online less. Even in this community, for example, the comments skew much more negative about parenting and marriage than anything I encounter IRL. Getting my primary on mothering from women I know in my community gave me a much more balanced and healthy view.

      1. OP here and I KNOW that will be key for me – I’m definitely one of those people who notices negative effects from too much time online. I’m pretty sensitive and likely to be affected by things I’ve seen online where moms get blamed for bad parenting for their kids’ bad behavior, but then if their kid has good behavior, it was luck of the draw and doesn’t reflect on their parenting and they definitely shouldn’t brag. I notice that that dynamic is almost non-existent with most friends IRL, although I do have one close friend who is EXTREMELY quick to note that anything good with her kid is just “lucky.” She seems preemptively defensive against any suggestion that she’s actually a good mom.

        1. I don’t know how old your friend’s kids are, but a lot of it IS luck. And in particular, many if not most of the stuff parents compare in young children (sleep, eating, emotional regulation, ability to sit still and follow directions) are essentially all luck.
          I think I’m a good mom, as are all my close friends, but I also think recognizing that most early childhood behavior is controlled by luck/genetics is just common sense and I don’t think your friend is being faux humble so much as just sensible. Many of my friends got lucky with easy first kids and gave themselves a bit too much credit for their kids’ good behaviors, and (as someone who had the hard kid first) it was kind of validating to see them humbled by their second kids who were raised the exact same way but turned out completely different because kids are all unique and there is so much randomness involved.

          1. Her one child is 3 – another is on the way. She would be the first to point out that it’s often luck, but I did feel bad that she couldn’t seem to give herself any credit for good parenting when they went through a rough patch with sleep. They both put in so much work (consistent routine, calming bath, etc. etc.) and did see improvements compared to baseline. She’s so quick to discount her wisdom and efforts when it’s a good effect, but quick to blame herself when anything goes wrong. I just wish it were easier for her because I love her and think she’s doing great!

          2. Some of it is luck, but what a parent does absolutely matters. 0-3 is a pivotal time for brain development and attachment, setting the groundwork for basically the rest of a child’s life. (I’m not saying those years are all that matters, or that you can’t course correct — believe me, I’ve made mistakes — but they do take intention, and we can’t shrug and chalk everything up to luck).

            Obviously, it’s a long game and much of a toddler’s personality is due to being a toddler! But the home environment, and rules and structure within a family, do have a significant impact on a child’s behavior and well-being. (See: the complex web of education and how a child’s home life/parent situation impacts everything)

            And no I’m not indicting parents. I’ve got three spicy kids myself who keep me on my toes, and I take no credit for their sparkle or blame for their natural spunk. But I see how my parenting choices impact them and their ability to do well day-to-day

        2. ha! this is so true, but also BS. There is a German saying I love : luck is when preparation meets opportunity. In this case, luck is all the hours you spent at the dinner table teaching table manners, sharing your values, demonstrating good behaviors, and then having your kids misbehave for you, but behave with others. anyway … I love being a mother, and even though most days I complain actively about the lack of sleep, or tell off my husband because I carry all the emotional baggage, he takes on a solid 50% of the overall work, and I know I’m not the only one in my friends in that situation

    11. During the 90s, young female lawyers did not stay in criminal law very long. I married and had a baby in 1999 and continued in criminal law, handling very serious cases. I could not have done it without my husband who is an equal partner. I loved being a mother and have a rewarding career. It saddens me that women are afraid to have babies!

    12. As someone at finance director level with 3 young kids…don’t worry about having kids, worry about whether you’re married to someone who will step up as an equal partner in raising your children. Also, having the right childcare is key.

    13. I’m a younger GenX and my kid is now early 20s.
      In my experience a lot of the “negativity” this article ‘pushes back on’ is my generation’s voicing the things about parenting that our parent’s and grandparent’s generations petended didn’t exist.
      I think there needs to be a balance between the negative and positive, and that ‘choosing the path of optimism’ without being open to the rest is just as bad as only voicing the negative.

  4. Reposting from end of morning thread:
    Question to any NY’ers who’ve lived in doorman buildings: how does Christmas tipping work when you have multiple doormen and building maintence people? This is my first year living in a doorman building. I’ve only ever lived in buildings with a single superintendent. Now, I live in a building with probably 4 or 5 regular doormen and 3 building maintenance guys plus a superintendent. What are your normal tip amounts? I’ve seen some articles with ranges but wondering if people have real-world numbers. Also, does the amount depend on how many people fill a given role (e.g. if you have 2 doormen vs 5 vs more)?
    For context, I rent a one bedroom in a Manhattan building that has about 190 apartments. Nice building but not super luxury building.

    1. Usually the building gives a letter with expectations. like if they really want and expect individual gifts they give you the names and years of service but bigger buildings with lots of people often collect a kitty and disperse. Maybe ask someone who lived there last year?

    2. I responded on the morning thread with how much we give, but with the additional context about your building, my numbers would be very, very high. You could give $20 to everyone and call it a day. Slightly more if someone is particularly helpful.

    3. Do not skimp on this. You’ll pay long-term. Give to each person separately. I’d do $30 per person in that scenario.

    4. We give to everyone individually. The amount you give should depend somewhat on how much you utilize their services. Is your doorman hailing a cab for you every morning in bad weather? Carrying your bags to the elevator when you come in with lots of stuff ? Are you getting an above-average number of packages? Are you calling the super for repairs all the time? Only you know how low or high maintenance you are.

      Based on what you say about your building I think you’re probably fine with $30-40 for the maintenance and doormen (keep in mind the daytime doormen might be dealing with a lot more packages etc. than the overnight doorman, for example) and I would do $50 for the super.

    5. I’m in a one bedroom in a similar building in the same location. I give $150 for the super, $100 for each doorman, $50 for the porters, and $30 for the handyman.

      We just received our holiday card from the building with names of these employees and their titles, which makes it easy.

    6. I tip $250-300 to my super, $200 to each porter (2x), $200 to each full-time door person (5x), and $75 each to the Sunday coverage (2x). Total is $1800. I am a biglaw partner, so my thinking is that each of these people makes my life easier/better, and frankly, my bonus alone is many multiples their annual salaries, so if my tip makes their holidays a little brighter/easier, I’m happy to give it.

      1. I love this! My numbers are in the $20-50 range, but if I had your resources I would love to tip as much as you do.

        OP, in college I worked a job where we got holiday tips from regular customers (similar to a UPS store where we rented out mailboxes) and it adds up to a nice chunk even if many individuals only gave $10-20. The few people who gave a lot really stood out, but we really appreciated everything, especially since I made $8 an hour then. My total ended up about 3-4 weeks salary most years, which made a massive difference in my life at the time.

      2. This is also what we give (1 super, 5 doormen). But we own our apartment and it’s in a much smaller building than OP. I don’t think anyone expects someone in a 1 bedroom rental in a bldg with 190 apartments to tip this much.

        OP – I would do $20-$40 each.

    7. The numbers others are giving are too low for NYC. I am a government lawyer and I tip $100 to each doorman, $50 to night porters, $50 to the head maintenance guy, $25 to the rest of the maintenance guys. We have ton of staff in our large complex and it ends up being $2100. It’s expensive.

  5. In-house counsel – how much do you give your secretary for Christmas, if you give a cash gift? I have been at my mid-size company for a few years and still trying to get a sense for what is typical. Everyone seems to give a gift but some give physical gifts like wine.

    1. We all contribute to a group gift card for our admin – everyone loves it. Easy for the gift-givers and super practical and usable for the recipient, rather than getting a bunch of mugs or whatever.

    2. We don’t gift money, that’s for official bonuses, only stuff. I get my admin the same gift as my directs.

    3. Also IHC here…y’all have assistants? No one below the GC has an assistant here, and it makes Legal a much worse department.

  6. Our large organization started a hybrid schedule a month ago, but it still feels like everyone forgot how to work in an office. People still have virtual-only meetings even though all the attendees are in the office and there are plenty of conference rooms. I always reserve a conference room for my meetings on days when we are in the office, but most people still call in to the meeting.

    1. Some of them may do virtual so they can stay in their office and avoid getting sick during winter/during the holidays.

    2. It’s the same here. Our RTO is unenforced so people are either home or using meeting time to multitask.

    3. super common for a few reasons IMHO-
      1. with a hybrid model you can safely assume that some participants will be remote, and the worst meetings are those with a group in the room and some remote
      2. everyone’s gotten used to easy screen sharing
      3. no one leaves ‘travel time’ between meetings anymore so people’s choice is joining Teams on time or being 5 mins late getting to the meeting room
      4. people have gotten used to you constantly seeing chat and email even during meetings so if you go to one in person and ignore stuff you look slow

        1. Then you get the worse situation where someone will inevitably not be able to make it at some point and there’s no opportunity to easily record. Always better to err on the side of inclusion.

          Frankly, I like the option to record even if you just want to memorialize for reference later. Maybe not the norm for legal settings, but it’s very much the norm in business settings I’ve been in where decisions often need to get relayed to another team, such as client services or operations or product management or whatnot.

    4. For my organization it took a little while and reminders (join us in the conference room if you are in today), but now we have decent attendance for most meetings. A handful of folks might still be joining virtually, but being in the room is recognized as a better interaction by most.

      1. If some people are virtual, it’s WAY better to have it be all virtual. I know that’s an unwelcome shift for a lot of places but the quality of the audio and equal participation isn’t even comparable IMO.

        1. Totally agree. Hybrid is way worse.

          Might not be a popular opinion, but I actually prefer Teams since it minimizes how many people talk over one another. I feel like I get to hear more from more people. It’s also easier for speakers to change a slide and shift from rabbit holes. I have one guy where I feel like face to face is just an excuse for him to hear himself. People are better at shutting that down in a Teams meeting. Maybe because it’s more obvious when he’s trying to cut someone off?

      1. Not the alcoholics or pregnant women! Do a nice bottle of olive oil or balsamic vinegar instead.

    6. Lego set – one of the cheaper ICONs sets, or maybe a cute Duplo set. Stats what I am bringing (cap is more like 6$, so one of the very small ones)

    7. My favorite that I received remains a good old bottle of wine. But I did laugh at the sarcastic magic eight ball, and I kept it until it leaked.

  8. Maybe too late in the day but I’m looking for a therapist recommendation in San Francisco. Ideally someone seeing patients in person, and someone who will encourage me to lean in a little more to feeling feelings versus bucking up to get past them (that said, very much not interested in wallowing).

    2. My parents are incredibly difficult to buy for, so for the last few years I’ve gotten them books. For my dad I usually get a newer history book; for my mom I get something niche-y about science or history.

    3. Well I bought her a car this year, so something small. Like maybe a Hot Wheels version of the car I bought her. :)

      Seriously, I’m getting her upgrades on house stuff, specifically, a new air fryer to replace her old toaster oven.

    4. Classic Norwegian wool sweater, needlepointed coin purse (I did the needlepoint), Christmas ornament related to one of her hobbies, fun t-shirt from a city I recently visited. Still need to work on some stocking stuffers.

    6. Flannel sheets, tote bag, gift card for a service she uses a lot, and one of those bird feeders that have a camera so you can watch on your phone

      Past years: fancy book sets (Juniper Books or Folio Society, sometimes Penguin does nice collections), towel warmer, christmas ornaments to complete a set for her, spikes to put on her shoes for walking on ice (this was not a winner though, haha), goldbelly cards, electric blanket

    7. A daily spiritual planner, a pretty illustrated religious calendar, a super-cute Marks and Spencer tin made to look like a gingerbread townhouse with cookies/treats inside, and a religious ornament from Brighton. She’s a Christian (can you tell, ha ha!) and it’s…kind of her whole personality so religious gifts it is!

  10. Any Spanish readers here? I forgot to research a gift for my BIL, who loves reading engaging books in Spanish. The last few years I got him Twilight, 1492, and the Pelican Brief, all on recommendations from people who’d read them and said the translation was good and accessible. I could just pick any old book, but would love to hear if someone has a recommendation! The story itself is less important than the translation, he says.

    1. Are you specifically looking for books written in English and translated into English? Or would he enjoy books written in Spanish?

    2. This is a Spanish-language book, not a translation but I love Arturo Perez-Reverte’s El club Dumas. He writes literary/historical thrillers (kind of like The DaVinci Code, but better IMO).

    3. Wouldn’t it be better to read books actually written in Spanish? There are so many good ones out there. Seems weird to only look at translations.

      1. Translations can be more accessible because at some point they started out in English grammar. (Non-fiction is also usually more accessible than fiction.) It really depends on the person’s level of comfort reading in Spanish.

    4. Not a translation, but I really loved reading Isabelle Allende’s work; not sure if your BF is fluent, but I found it manageable at a “few years of college Spanish” level

    5. The Red Queen is written by a Spanish author so you could buy that in it’s original language. It’s a murder mystery/psychological drama, just to make sure you have the right book (there are couple with that title)

      1. Hard disagree. I find the quality of his writing very uneven, and wish I had the hours back I spent on El club Dumas or La piel del tambor or La tabla de Flandes.

        One Arturo Perez Reverte I would recommend is La Reina del Sur. Very well written and captivating story. And as a bonus, there are several TV series based on it that are quite good.

        Gabrial Garcia Marques’ Cien años de soledad is *the* classic when it comes to spanish language magic realism. And Isabel Allende is a close contender. A newer options is La sombra del viento by Carlos Ruiz Zafón.

      2. I love APR books but not all of them. My first one was La tabla de Flandes at Uny and from there to El husar (a short story) and most of them. I agree that El club Dumas was quite disapointing. His saga of El capitan Alatriste is quite easy to read if he is into history or the saga of Falcone if he likes detectives ones.
        From Gabriel García Marquez if Cien años de soledad sounds daunting I will start with Cronica de una muerte anunciada or Relato de un naufrago that are short stories too.
        The trilogy of Reina roja is a bestseller right now in Spain but I have not read it.

  11. I could really use some help reframing something.

    I am an SVP at a medium sized org — technically second in command on my team. My boss sits on our ELT (executive leadership team). I only joined this org less than two months ago.

    This week, my boss unexpectedly and tragically passed away. We are gutted. So I want to be clear, I acknowledge I am not thinking clearly, and am incredibly tired and burned out. I was the only person on my team brought in right away and have been working nonstop. (Literally fielding 10pm texts and 7:30am meetings all week.) I’m the one who was told the rest of our team — including the other senior leaders on our team. I have worked hand in hand with our CEO on messaging to staff, plans for what’s next, etc. (They did not.)

    But…I’m new. So even though I’m the most senior person on our team now, they just told me that another colleague — a step below me in the org chart — is going to be interim head of the department. It stings, but I understand it — on paper, it makes sense.

    But then I was copied on an email to the ELT where plans were shared. This colleague was rightly mentioned as being in charge, with a long list of items she’s now handling. BUT THEN, the note also mentioned that another colleague, who is a freelancer on a smaller team and also two steps down from me on the org chart, can also “be available for thought partnership and support.”

    I…didn’t get mentioned at all in this note.

    I am feeling put out, scared, but also like everything I did this week to facilitate this horrible time has been unappreciated or is not valued. Again, I know LOGICALLY that’s not true. But I am deeply offended. And worried about what this means for my future here. But I love it here!

    Please help me reframe this in my head so I don’t spend the weekend spinning out.

    1. I don’t think you need to spin out, but I don’t think it’s something to totally ignore, either. It could very well turn out that your role changes into something totally different from what you expected it to be.

    2. It’s possible you weren’t mentioned because it was so obvious that of course you’d be involved in your area, but not obvious that colleague #2 would be.

      If you’re working closely with the CEO can you just casually clarify? Some random thoughts on what to say – Hey, I wanted to confirm my role during this period… I saw Jane’s note about responsibilities and others’ contributions and assume no news/call-out means no major changes anticipated?

      1. +1. Taking an active approach to this will help resolve some, if not all, of your feelings.

  12. What’s your favorite Trader Joe’s spice?

    I think I will stick one of those in each adult’s Xmas stocking. They are all Trader Joe’s fans. They all have the “All but the bagel” or whatever it’s called.

    I just bought the Salmon one, and the Umami (mushroom) one to try….

    4. The smoked paprika is great, but I’d just get the chili crisp oil which is fantastic.

  13. Anyone willing to share a story of a failure or mistake or intimidating thing, and how you moved on and came out better for it?

    1. I had to have a meet and greet type meeting with someone very important that I royally screwed up. This person basically said to me, “why should I know you” and I had no answer. But fast forward to now and we are super friendly – not actual friends (and that’s fine) but I am no longer asked the question because I stayed at it and the answer is obvious. I sometimes think that the secret of success in life is just not letting the set backs get you down and powering thru when the going gets tough and others might be tempted to give up. Whatever happened to make you ask the question, don’t give up.

    2. Sometimes it a timing issue: you say X, other people say X is stupid, and at a later date X comes true. Sadly, no one who was anti-X likes to be reminded (I have had supervisors berate me for reminding them that I had said X) and sometimes they are no longer around when X happens.

      1. I’ve heard several times that people will forgive you for being wrong faster than for being right, lol. My best tip for this situation is to help the other people save face!

  14. Best — sharpest, crispiest — gingerbread cookies available at the supermarket?

  15. I bought a couple MM LaFleur tops on final sale, after not having bought any for several years, and I wasn’t thrilled. I returned one and can only get store credit.

    Any favorites at MM LaFleur?

    Particularly interested in tops. I am pear shaped and their dresses/pants don’t work well for me.

    I was disappointed in the fabric of the new tops I purchased, which may be hardy/less odor prone but just didn’t have as nice a feel/drape for me.

    2. Honestly it’s another one of those brands that gets mentioned here but I assume is bots, because it’s just not great quality. Save money long term and go for the fold etc.

  16. Anyone here have experience with the Antler Chelsea overnight bag or Away Everywhere bag? I’m trying to decide between these two (smallest size of each). I think the Antler looks a bit nicer but I like that the Away opening is bigger.

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