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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I don't think I've written about this Everlane backpack before, but it's really great. I got it several years ago at this point, and have kept it loaded up with “stuff for the kids to do while waiting at the doctor's office” (or similar)… but it's a brilliant backpack in and of itself.
It's sleek and polished, without being fancy — it's a matte black canvas. I also like that there are a lot of intelligent pockets.
It's also only $95, so… score! It comes in five colors, can fit a 15″ laptop, and features two water bottle holders and a trolley strap for luggage. This backpack is one of several items in their eco-friendly “Renew” line.
(They also have some killer sales right now — $200 sweaters marked down to $50 kind of good.)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
I like to sit between 2 cushions on a couch so that there’s no pressure on my coccyx or spine or neck when I lean back. However, my last couch left a divot there. (It was a cheap couch though.) Is there a way to somehow support the cushions so I don’t damage them while keeping the pressure off that area of my body? My doctor says it’s good for me to be doing this but I don’t want to keep ruining couches!
Anonymous
I think you’re going to keep making couch divots. A feather couch that you can “refluff” might help but they can get expensive. Have you thought about a hip posture pillow? https://bottomdr.com/products/dual-comfort-orthopedic-cushion-pelvis-pillow-lift-hips-up-seat-cushion-for-pressure-relief?currency=USD&variant=39933989257378&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&stkn=f0a1f4d8d219
Anonymous
Buy a special butt cushion instead of abusing your couch
Ellen
I thought that I needed an extra cushion on my couch, b/c of years of sitting in the same place watching TV, but I then decided to just get a sheepskin cover, which provides me with the extra softness I need when I sit there to watch TV. Now that I am over 40, I am not vain about my tuchus size anymore, since Mom was svelte as in her 20’s and 30’s, and now, like me, we both have larger tuchii. Dad doesn’t say anything to me b/c he knows it comes from Mom’s side of the family, as Grandma Trudy also has a tuchus, while Grandma Leyeh is still svelte, even at 80 years old! I haven’t p’osted for a while b/c I was in a relationship, but now that he’s found a younger woman, he decided he wanted to wear the pants in the relationship, and found a 20 something woman who will do everything he wants in bed and elsewhere, since he is a partner in a mid-size NYC accounting firm. He was what I had always hoped my ex, Alan, should have been, but wasn’t. Oh well, I learned not to fret over such things b/c I am only about 15 years from retirement myself, and I have a real nest egg, thanks to Dad and the manageing partner, whose taken very good care of me, as I have for the firm.
I am saddened to see that many of the old time regulars have dropped off from the websight; but I will never outgrow this b/c Kat and Kate have done so much to improve Corporette over the years! In any event, now that I am one of the senior participants on the websight, I am happy to come and contribute my expertise and wisdom as appropriate! YAY!!!
Anon
Shove some rolled towels in the L of the couch under the cushions (I am not sure how to describe this except that they will fill the gap between the cushions and the horizontal and vertical surfaces.
In-House Anon
My husband also sits between two cushions out of comfort, not health reasons. Every week or so, I flip, fluff and reposition all the couch cushions so that no one spot gets too worn down.
anon
I have a cushion from the brand ComfiLife that I use in my car, for extra height. Bit the way it’s designed, there’s a gap at the back which should relieve the pressure on your tailbone.
anon
I think eventually every couch will get a divot. However, if you buy a couch where you can flip the cushions you should at least get twice the life out of those cushions! So I would look for that.
Or maybe even look at a LoveSac? That way when individual cushions die, you can just replace a cushion and not a whole couch.
Senior Attorney
Gigantic “thank you” to whoever recommended “Exhalation” by Ted Chiang here a little while ago. I just devoured it in a day and a half and my mind is blown. I just ordered a copy for my daughter and I can’t stop babbling about it to my husband. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.
Anon
A big +1! I loved that book, he’s one of my favorite writers.
Ses
If you haven’t checked out Chiang’s Stories of Your Life (his short story compilation) absolutely do! It’s filled with perfect little gems of stories.
Senior Attorney
Thanks — just ordered it!
Anon
Yes! There are a couple of stories I still think about, 10 years after reading them.
Sallyanne
Ohhh, it’s available on audio Libby for me! Thank you I needed a new book!
Anonymous
It seems like everyone I know is running ragged. Tired, burned out, short attention spans and fuses. I don’t like blaming the pandemic for everything bad, but it does seem like things have shifted in a major way compared to five years ago. I’m 36. Is this normal life? Is this partly due to Covid, inflation, stress? Is this… the rest of life?
Anon
I think it’s a combination of numerous global crises/wars at once (Israel/Palestine; Russia/Ukraine) combined with rising global fascism and authoritarianism plus Trump’s potential reelection on the horizon AND frayed social ties, coping mechanisms from the pandemic plus climate collapse. Good times! At least as a millennial who lived through the “golden age of the 1990s” when yes, there were undoubtedly serious issues (wars, racism, etc.) it didn’t feel like everything was falling apart all at once,
so it’s exhausting to be here now at almost 40 while raising kids and managing aging parents and a career. Finding the glimpses of peace and sunshine where I can (which largely involves putting my phone down.)
Anon
This. I’m in my 40s parenting a teen and a tween. I have no local family to lean on because we had to move to a different city for our jobs. I also have to remotely manage care/periodically travel to the city I grew up in to help with elder care. I would still count myself lucky as we own our home, have no debt, ample savings/retirement, steady well paying jobs, and our health.
On a day to day basis I am simply handling more ‘stuff’ than my parents did with the added burden of a job that is WAY more demanding than they had at my age. Also boomers are simply living longer than their own parents did and having more complex health situations. My grandparents died in their late 60s/early 70s with very few ‘elder care’ needs (no health aides, rehab centers, lengthy hospital stays). My own parents also got a pretty hefty infusion of cash/property at my age when their parents died which certainly helped them with retirement/college savings.
Anon
I found your final point a bit off putting. I’m not a boomer, I’m Gen X. But it sounds like you are doing really well, with “ample” savings and retirement, but you’re resentful because your parents aren’t dying younger and giving you an inheritance sooner?
Anon
Likewise! (Gen X; I love my Boomer parents and am not eager for them to die and relieve me of the “burden” of their care.)
But also I want to caution everyone that just because YOUR parents had less demanding job or parents who died younger or who lived closer to their parents, etc. does not make that the norm 20 – 30 years ago. I am not going to bore everyone with lists of statistics but sociologists have literally been writing papers about the burden of elder and child care on working women since the 1970s. If we are going to talk anecdote, my mother had to coordinate care for her (Greatest Gen) mother from across the country while working full time at a very demanding job; split the care of her MIL with her SIL (also a plane ride away). My father literally changed jobs and moved back to his home town to take care of his grandmother. And while life expectancy has increased since (lets say) 1990, it has not increased that much, particularly if you take out deaths in childhood (i.e. if you look at life expectancy at age 65).
All of which is to say that there are things in life that are HARD. Having young children is hard; having elderly parents who need help is hard. Trying to juggle children and elder care is hard. And there are times when it seems overwhelming. But (and this is the point I am trying to make) people currently in their 30s and 40s are not unique in finding it hard and the doom and gloom woe is me no generation in modern history had it as bad as us is not helping. You will get through it and you will be fine.
Leatty
Agree wholeheartedly. My workload also increased during the pandemic and never declined, even though I’m now expected to commute 3x/week. Aging parents with very significant health issues + young kids + world falling apart + demanding career = one exhausted (and somewhat sad) person.
Anon
I agree with all of this except I’m 38 and don’t have kids. I’m feeling the pinch of inflation and live in a VHCOL city. Still pretty traumatized by the pandemic as most of my family members are high risk in some way and I saw how little people care about other people from refusing to stay home or wear a mask. I’m Jewish with extended family in Israel so the past few months have been incredibly difficult. Also my industry has seen significant layoffs in the past few months. On top of all of that, there’s always concerns about global warming and just an overall lack of optimism going forward.
a
I agree with this take, 100%. I think the amount and availability of information is also overwhelming– 10 or even 5 years ago, we were not subject to a near constant bombardment of info about international crises like we are now. I’m not trying to say that it was better when we had less on-the-ground info about atrocities far from home, but we are watching Gaza/Ukraine play out in real time in a way that no global conflicts/humanitarian crisis ever been perceived by us in the US before. The 2016 election cycle introduced us to the horror of hearing each and every tweet by a politician, and after 8 years of that I’m absolutely at the end of my rope with that garbage. Covid drew a big curtain in my mind, too– a stark “before and after.” It increasingly feels difficult to imagine the time when our problems were smaller and more localized–now, everything is big picture and issues on the national scale increasingly demand our attention and outrage (again, not saying they shouldn’t demand our attention and outrage). How do we feel about immigration, even if it doesn’t directly affect us? Roe has been overturned, let’s focus on the horror show going on in Texas, knowing that it could be what’s coming for those of us in other red states. I feel heartbroken and enraged at the t r a n s phobic bills being passed all around the country, even though it doesn’t impact me or anyone in my immediate circle. Can’t go on my dog’s insta (yeah, I know) without seeing the account of a Shiba Inu or a corgi or a german shepherd discussing white supremacy in the dog community or directing us to decolonize our minds and screeching at other dog accounts who aren’t speaking out against injustice enough, or who have the audacity to give their dog a pup cup from starbucks. Nothing wrong with people using their platforms however they want, but, again, it’s just everywhere all of the time all at once.
Anonymous
The everywhere all of the time and all at once that is social media is a huge problem, the least of which is news information. The internet has given a platform to people who would have been ignored and written off as ‘loony tunes’ back in the day, and also given people a space to say things to other people that they would never say to them face to face.
Anon
For me the issue is that people are saying these things face to face now. I can avoid social media if I want to, but people around me have opinions that were shaped there. Whether it’s “survival of the fittest” outlooks on the pandemic, or atrocity apologism from the right or the left, I’ve been really shocked by what people are willing to say in person these days. It feels like a general values shift where suddenly I can’t take much for granted as common ground with other people.
Anonymous
There have always been people who spout off in public about their political beliefs or whathaveyou, those are the ones I mentioned that were ignored and written off as ‘loony tunes’.
The keyboard warriors are the ones that would never say face to face what they post online…they are like the bully who cries when they are stood up to only they bully online instead of the school playground.
Anon
Yup.
Anonymous
For me, the pandemic definitely made things worse. I did really well for the first 18months but there were serious financial harms to me and then some more consequences when I caught the virus multiple times. It just affected my daily habits and then my mental health in negative ways. I am really trying to dig out in 2024 and making some progress.
Anon
Yes, so many people like us struggling with the health consequences of Covid.
The USA lost more than a million people due to Covid – from our workforce, family support and friends – and that stressed the rest of us.
Climate destabilisation is hugely disruptive too.Big events like Hurricane Katrina and ongoing housing pressure from climate events damaging housing.
I’m older than the average poster her so I’ve lived through a lot and can confirm it’s worst now.
Anon
I agree with all the major reasons above. There’s mentally a lot going on in the country and world right now, and social support feels less.
But I also kind of think it’s the death throes of the belief that we can “have it all.” The pandemic made clear that people have limited capacity. We have to start deciding our priorities and living by them. (I am speaking to this particular board of women — most of whom are resourced enough to have true choices.)
I’m 37, married with kids and I do not feel run ragged. I’m tired and could use a weekend to myself, sure, but I generally feel like my responsibilities and capacity match. It did involve a big step back in career and earnings. But I don’t want to live life feeling ragged, or raise kids with a habitually stressed mother, or get to my 60s and wonder what it was all for.
Anon
I felt like I was doing ok (didn’t have it all but had a good balance) until my parents and my husband’s parents started having their own health issues. Elder care plus caring for young kids who still need you in a very hands on way is soul sucking.
Anonymous
This is kind of what scares me most. The advances women made at work are being peeled back so very quickly and it won’t be possible to regain our seat at the table without a rethink about how that can happen, a ton of effort, and abortion/marriage rights.
Anon
Nah, this is feminism. I’m free to make the choice that is most pleasing to me and best for my family. I’m not going to tough it out and struggle for the sake of others’ ideals.
Anon
At this exact moment, I think it’s at least partly due to COVID. More people were just infected than at any other time except the initial Omicron wave! It’s great that most cases are mild, but mild cases can still really impact how people feel and their stress tolerance for dealing with all the other stuff like inflation and the news, and it takes time to bounce back. Where I am, it doesn’t help that days are still short and cold and everything else is going around too; there’s always a post-holidays slump where it’s still cold and dark, but it’s just time to endure before spring arrives.
I would wait and see how it feels in a month or two. And make the most of the Lunar New Year / Festival of Lanterns / Valentine’s / Carnival if any of those traditions help raise spirits for you or seem like they might.
Anon
No one really tests anymore so a lot of people are telling me they have a bad cold/headache/cough and I’d guess several of them actually had COVID. The latest wave ripped though my home starting MLK weekend. 3/5 of us tested positive and the remaining 2 isolated and were ok. But two of the three who had it got really sick, like sick in bed for days.
Anon
Wow! My bf and I got covid for the second time and had to miss Thanksgiving with our families. We tested as did my family. Even my friends who get sick now are still testing.
Anon
Husband and I were both very sick the beginning of January. It was much worse than the two prior times that I had covid. We just stayed home so no need to test.
Anonymous
I only know two people who tested the last time they were sick. Everyone else just treats it the same as every other virus that goes around.
I was sick in December and missed a week of work. I didn’t test for anything because it was nothing more than the flu for me.
anon
I test but only because a) I can order the tests free and it’s easy and b) if I test positive I can work from home for 5 days, can only get 2 WFH days for a bad cold/the flu/etc and I would just rather feel crappy at home. No one else I know my age (early 30s is still testing/isolating).
Ellen
If your b/f got Covid, you must be carful, b/c even if you have had it before, you can get it again from him. So try and stay clear of him until he does NOT text positive, and do not exchange any bodily fluids with him, even orally. I’ve managed to stay healthy, but have now had 3 shots. Good luck to you!
Anon
Husband and I both got Covid for the first time last month. It felt like a bad flu for one day, and a moderate cold the rest of the time. I would say it was much easier than we feared. Conventional theory was that it might get more mild each subsequent time, but maybe it’s the reverse? We don’t treat Covid casually and will try to avoid as much as we can in the the coming years, too
Runcible Spoon
I fell ill with COVID-19 for the first time just after Thanksgiving, and I was very sick for about three weeks, even with taking Paxlovid beginning on the second day, and I didn’t really fully recover for seven or eight or nine weeks! It was the sickest I have been without hospitalization as an adult, but was still considered “mild” COVID because I was never short of breath or had difficulty breathing. I missed most of the December holidays, and was out of full-time work for several weeks. This disease hits everyone so differently, and we aren’t all lucky.
Anon
Agreed, Covid is rampant and has long term effects on many brains. ‘Brain fog’ is a minimising term but it affects people’s cognition and tolerance levels dramatically.
Anonymous
No it isn’t the rest of life. It’s just the latest thing we are living through. There will be something else in 10, 20 years and people will wonder the same thing, just like they did during the oil crisis in tue 70s, the recessions in the 80s and 90s, and the financial crisis in ’08. Young people are talking about Russia today the same way we talked about the Soviet Union when I was growing up.
We are dealing with the afternath of mandates, spending programs, and high inflation…it will probably take the rest of the decade to sort itself out.
Anon
Agree, it’s a bit of this. The pandemic was awful but was it worse than living through WWII (thinking especially of Europeans) or Vietnam, where all your brothers and sons and cousins and husbands enlisted or were compulsively drafted?? Or your cities were bombed with abandon? When anyone who wasn’t a white man had drastically reduced rights?
Luckily during the pandemic we had internet, and entertainment, and thank God the biggest struggle for many of us was being confined to a comfortable house with our families. (Not to discount any of the deaths. I also lost a loved one, right at the beginning.)
There is lingering trauma and fallout for sure and this is hard — I know it’s not the suffering Olympics. But I don’t think it’s harder for us than it was for any other generation in history, and in many regards it’s much easier. I think the point about putting away our technology is a good one; we are only isolating ourselves further.
Betsy
My particular theory is to blame it on spending too much time on our phones. My phone use skyrocketed during Covid and hasn’t come down, and my brain feels a little broken in response. I’ve been seeing a lot of articles about people re-evaluating their relationship with their phones recently, and I think it might help us all!
Walnut
This is me.
anon
so much this. I need to break up with my phone.
anon
I wish I knew. I’ve been sick on and off for the past 31 days with three different infections and I just don’t know how much more my body can I take. It took an hour and a half to crawl out of bed to email work to request PTO, and I spent the rest of the day in bed, too tired to even watch tv.
And no, I don’t have COVID. I’ve tested four times in the past month, all negative. There’s just a lot going around.
Anonymous
I can only speak personally but the shift to wfh is not healthy for me. People I’ve worked with for years are so mean and rude in the remote world, they were almost all kinder in person. There’s literally no benefit to being kind or establishing relationships anymore. Everyone is short and angry. Fingers are pointed constantly, everyone suspects everyone else is doing something wrong. It’s all a big mess. The things people write in emails are just far and away so much harsher than they’d speak in real life. Bad days don’t go away, nothing gets left at the office, it’s all in my home. Meanwhile the expectation on me as a parent has shifted to where an in office job would be harder than before. Most daycares couldn’t even accommodate those old hours anymore.
The good people in my life are lost. The bad people have found online outlets that validate their horrible ideas. The wicked think they’re righteous and no one has time for nuance.
Anon
I think the rudeness is due to living through a global pandemic and multiple other crises and not due to WFH. I’ve noticed more rudeness overall (in areas where it’s not WFH-related at all – think an interaction with the barista, etc.). People are fried and short-tempered. But a lot seem happier with WFH IME.
Anonymous
Disagree. People have worked with for more than 10 years are harder to work with remotely. I enjoy them a lot in person, but the rapport we have is hard to maintain remotely. As soon as we spend a day in the office I feel good will start to build up again, so I think there’s definitely a detriment to remote work.
I also agree that the bombardment in media and increase phone time is detrimental to overall mental health. I have not figured out how you balance that with being a well informed citizen, but I think you largely have to choose your issues and not spread yourself to then. This is both in effort and attention. I understand that border crises, overseas wars, abortion rights, etc. etc. are all noble causes but it’s simply implausible to give your attention to all of them simultaneously.
As they say, have to put on your own oxygen mask first. Focus on yourself and your well-being before you can shift your focus outward.
Anon
I disagree on what I’ve noticed with remote work but hard agree on phones. The distraction and irritability is real.
Anon
I love not having to get up at a particular time and drive in traffic but I miss the daily chit chat and comeraderie of the office. I find myself excited to go to luncheons or even a status hearing for court.
Anonymous
I’m 349 but not the other reply. I had a similar experience to the other poster. I think people are just much much harsher behind a screen and probably forget there’s an actual human on the other end. Once again, I can only speak for myself on wfh but it’s a doozy for me on the mental health end even if other people are super happy and mean for other reasons. It’s not healthy *for me* to sit alone all day fielding hostile emails. Again, I can’t speak for others but it’s intuitive to me that people are harsher and meaner in an email than in real life.
Anonymous
I actually find it’s just different. The “worst” are better. People are more worried about memorializing rudeness in email. And I’m actually relieved not to have to be around a few bullies— I feel happier not having to be on guard all the time and put up with micro aggression or (more often) overhearing it. Less overt sexism and cliques. But the “best” aren’t as good. We chat but it’s far less often than in person and I miss grabbing a coffee together. It can feel lonely in some ways. Overall though I appreciate the extra time in my day far more than those social connections. Home social connection with each other outweighs mostly surface social connections.
Anon
Yes, but that’s because I have long covid and I literally have significantly reduced energy at a cellular level. I can only 15 hours a week and my husband has to take on all household chores. I’m not well enough to drive or socialise so my world has shrunk. It takes energy to be out in the world.
Seventh Sister
I’m a very-tail-end GenX, and I think some of the hyper-short fuses are definitely pandemic-related. Personally, I feel like I have a couple years’ deficiency of positive social interactions thanks to COVID, so the unpleasant ones seem to loom really large and I take them more personally. Not proud of it, but I am so much more likely to snap or yell at people instead of freezing or fleeing (more typical for me). The raft of international crises doesn’t help either.
While I definitely remember some lovely times when I was younger and in college and starting out, I think my memories edit out stuff like: being despondent about the Iraq War, dating The Worst Guy Ever (objective determination) , people being super closeted at work, parents disowning kids for being queer, friends who couldn’t adopt their partner’s kids, and just the kind of general harassment women were expected to put up with in the 80s and 90s.
Anonymous
People as a whole tend to romanticize the past as better than it was, especially when comparing it to how bad they perceive today as…
Trish
The Clinton era leading into the 2000s was better time for the middle class that is now being eroded and that is what many of us are remembering. We also grew up taking for granted the strides in women’s rights and civil rights both of which are also being eroded. It was my parents who dealt with the 70s gas shortage and the insane mortgage interest rates of the 80s and early 90s. While my husband and I are the peak of our earning power, housing costs are outrageous. Add in aging parents and high school or college age kids, many of us Gen Xers are doing double time as caregivers in a time where no one lives near extended family anymore. Oh, and there are no THIRD SPACES unless you count social media.
Anonymous
Hi! I’m the person you are replying to.
I didn’t grow up middle class, and the recessions in the 80s and 90s were brutal for my family. It might have been my parents dealing directly with the costs, but us kids felt it too, and experienced the broader consequences.
The point is that today’s struggle isn’t necessarilly worse than the struggles of the past, they are just different.
Also, there are third spaces that aren’t social media. I’m not on social media at all and have access to many places at low to medium price points that I can go and spend time with friends to catch up and unwind.
Trish
A third space is not really where you go with your friends you have already cultivated. A third place is a familiar public spot where you regularly connect with others known and unknown, over a shared interest or activity. Examples are the Rotary clubs, Junior League, bowling leagues, the old neighborhood beauty parlor (for our moms or grandmothers), the local bar, book stores, and church. Many people have moved away from those kinds of old fashioned community connections.
Anon
The term “sandwich generation” was coined in 1981, so the caring for parents and chilcren at the same time is not a new stressor.
Anonymous
Aside from caring for parents and children at the same time, another not new thing is living far from extended family. When my grandparents married in ’49 they moved almost half a country away from their families because of job availability.
This is what I meant by romanticizing the past. It might have been good for yiu and your family, Trish, but it was not universally good. People in the past faced the same struggles and hardships that we are dealing with today.
Anonymous
Trish, I am aware of what a third place is, and I meant what I said.
‘Many people’ might have moved away from those kinds of connections, but not all. They continue to exist today.
Trish
Lmao at the ridiculous assumptions. My parents were educated and middle class. And then they divorced and my mom moved 1500 miles from her family and worked two jobs. And then I got a college education (scholarship) and law degree (loans) and lived through the Clinton era and then bought a home in 2000. My adolesence was not good at all. I still have eyeballs and see that even people whose families lived in trailer parks and apartments for 50 years are now being squeezed out due to the housing crisis. If you had reading comprehension, you’d recognize that I was talking about the middle class in general which, of course, means that my comments don’t apply to all people. I mean, duh. This board is not representation of the general population. However, my comments can explain why many people – even the middle class and upper middle class and the educated – find life much harder, FFS. As for your grandparents moving away, that is call anecdata, dear. Most people lived near extended family UNTIL the 70s when the divorce rate went up and the economony failed so people moved. (My mom could not get work up north after her divorce). It is not romanticizing the past to acknowledge that this current time is the worst economic period for many of us as grown women with children and aging parents. Maybe try looking at some graphs on housing costs and inflation?
Anon
In the 1950s, about 20% of the population moved every year. By 2017 that number had been cut virtually in half. The statement that geographic mobility in the United States, has increased over the past. Few decades is demonstrably untrue.
s in chicago
Yes and no. I also try to put my current “tired/burnout” in perspective. The pandemic led to a lot of bad things for me. I lost my job and that put me off track a bit and then spent more than a year at a MISERABLE energy-sucking job I would never have taken or stayed at otherwise. I also had a lot of personal “hits” that have weighed on me–cancer, loss of my beloved dog, distancing or loss of people who I thought were friends but turned out to be pretty awful in their beliefs, etc. WIth the pandemic, a lot of folks have lost loved ones or they are still trying to bounce back physically from illness. I know some of them and realize I’m lucky to not be among them. But on a bigger scale, I try to think of history. I know my normal life is far, far better than those fighting in World 1 or World War 2 or who lived through the Depression. Or, heck, who lived the rough life of a pioneer on the prairie. Sometimes I think it’s important to give space to feelings of sadness, but it’s also important to recognize the strength of people as a whole who have come before and recognize that grit also matters. I think I’m gaining more grit and my grit is nothing compared to many, many, many other people out there currently and who have come before me.
No Problem
I think some of this is normal mid-life crisis stuff, and some of it is new-ish to our current environment.
Normal stuff: many people in my friend group (myself included) have gone through mini or major crises in recent years (I’m 39). Several people have faced job losses/bad jobs they had to get out of, personal health issues, family health issues, deaths of parents or other loved ones, a couple divorces, birth of children leading to totally rearranging their lives, depression/anxiety as we deal with all of these big life changes, etc. To say nothing of now being 15+ years into our careers and starting to reevaluate the path we’re each on. We don’t have have those regular life anchors anymore that school graduations used to provide, so now we have to chart our own courses for what’s next. That’s harder for some of us than for others. And most of us haven’t had an honest, real break from work in well over a decade. A week’s vacation is nice, but we do all actually need a month or more off to reset once in awhile.
Unusual stuff: the 24 hour news cycle of the last 25ish years and our ability to engage with the outside world on a near-constant basis via our phones and computers puts all of the local and world events/catastrophes in our brains all day. It used to be that you pretty much had to wait for the evening news or the morning newspaper to find out what’s going on the world. Now you can find out in 2 minutes, all day, every day. The war in Ukraine feels much more in our faces than the war in Bosnia in the 90s because it is much more in our faces. I would also say that the increased productivity of typical office workers since the 80s and 90s has us doing so much more in the same amount of time. Yes, some of that productivity gain has to do with computers, but those computers have also given us so many more tasks and interruptions in our daily work lives: emails to draft and respond to, Teams chats, fiddling with the formatting in a Word document for the Nth time, dealing with software updates, etc. Admin tasks that used to be given to an admin are now done by everyone because administrative staff have been cut. And I think that in general we’ve seen a lot of world upheaval in the last couple years (pandemic; sh!tshow politics in the US, UK, and elsewhere; climate crisis; multiple economic crises; natural disasters).
Of Counsel
Honestly, I do not think our stresses are new or different than they have ever been. (Says someone who remembers 11-13% inflation in the late 70s and 13% mortgage rates when my Baby Boomer parents bought their first house when I was in high school, which promptly lost a substantial amount of its value when real estate prices crashed in the 90s; lines for gas during the oil embargo; the death throes of the Cold War; crime in the late 80s and early 90s (newsflash – much, much higher than today); the AIDS epidemic; etc. Someone asked my Dad during the pandemic whether this was the most stressful time he could remember and he (kindly) pointed out that he graduated from high school in 1967 and there was a little thing at the time called the draft and a place called Vietnam.
I think there are two main factors at work: (1) Social media and the 24-hour new cycle that means people obsess about these things way more than they did in the past and (2) the utter inadequacy of history (especially modern history) education in the US so that perspective is completely lacking.
And all of that is utterly swamped by the reality that YOU are having a hard time due to stresses in your life and that a lot of those stresses are shared by others who are roughly your age and stage. It can be rough. Take care of yourself!
Anonymous
I agree that having various stresses aren’t new, but I do think that some of the stressors are different. In many ways, that’s a good thing, because we’ve improved and eliminated some old things that would stress you out. I also think people are smarter now and more likely to question and challenge things that in the past, we just accepted. It’s good to push back, yet also stressful.
It’s quite difficult taking care of our older relatives, my mom would try the patience of a saint. But, it’s great that people don’t die of many things that used to be a death sentence—diabetes, asthma, bipolar disease, and some cancers. I’m not trying to blow sunshine, but yes, there are some very difficult things in the world we need to deal with, and as my afore maligned mom would say “such is life,”
Trish
Anon at 4:57. Exactly. The fact of a hard and stressfull life is not new but it is NEW FOR MANY OF US in our lifetime. I mean, yeah, we don’t have slavery in this country and we now have antibiotics and advil! But in many ways, this is the first terrible economy for the aggregate population since many of us reached adulthood. I read an article that most of the trailer parks in the country are more that 50 or 60 years old and guess what? They are not being replaced. The working poor don’t have many housring options right now as there are new luxury apartments going up on the old lots. Most of our parents or grandparents had extended family to help care for their aging relatives along with full time stay at home women who did the labor. It is also shocking to watch the USSC roll back rights and protections that we have taken for granted for a generation.
anonymous
It’s generally referred to as SCOTUS, fyi
Trish
hahahaha. What is your problem? Were you confused? Don’t be petty.
Anon
I think if I shared my current concern over the state of the world out loud 5 years ago I’d immediately be referred to therapy for depression. But now everyone feels this way so here we are.
I make 95k with a stable job in a borderline MCOL/HCOL area and my purchasing power is the same as it was 5 years ago when I made half the salary I make now. I’ve cut back just about every “extra” and I’m still stressed about my day to day finances, let alone long term ones like buying a house, having children, replacing my car when it dies. Corporate greed is out of control. Companies think anything less than infinite growth is failure. Companies put profit ahead of people and the planet.
Obviously if DJT wins the election things will be BLEAK. I try not to go down this rabbit hole, but we know it won’t be good.
Climate change is terrifying.
I truly believe we are on the precipice of WW3. Most people I know in the national security / international affairs / defense industries think war with China is inevitable. I’m shocked that there hasn’t been spillover in either the war in Ukraine or the war in Gaza.
Overall human rights issues are so depressing to me (aforementioned wars, Uyghurs, various refugee / migrant / border issues (both in US and abroad), the rollback of rights in Afghanistan).
Though I live in a blue (for now) state, the treatment of women’s health and lgbt rights elsewhere in the country are terrifying.
All of this is on the heels of Covid. Most people I know have also had personal setbacks (health, financial / job loss, family health or caretaking duties) over the past few years on top of the state of the world.
Anon
I hate hearing that anyone thinks war with China is inevitable. No one wants this!
Anon
I have heard people saying this for…at least 20 years?
Of Counsel
People have been convinced we are on the verge of WWIII since the end of WWII. This is not to say someone someday will not be right, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day. I am in my 50s and people have been saying it for as long as I have been aware of the possibility (Does anyone else remember duck and cover drills in school as if our desks would protect us from nuclear bombs?)
I am going to offer two pieces of advice from someone who clearly remembers the days when we were convinced the Soviets were going to nuke us: (1) Stop agonizing about things you cannot do anything about. If you can help, even if just donating money to help refugees, then absolutely do. But following the parade of horrors on the news or social media minute by minute is not doing anything to help anyone and is just making you miserable, and (2) Resist the impulse to think that things in 2024 are uniquely terrible overall. They are not.
Anonymous
All of this.
We didn’t do duck and cover drills (my parents did) but we knew from a very early age what the cold war meant.
From that stamdpoint, and from the standpoint of someone who studies histoy, it is laughable to me that anyone can think anything we are dealng with today is new or somehow worse.
Anon
Knowing the history makes some of these things harder to see happening for me.
anonymous
Spot on. Also in my 50s. So much is perspective. And when all you do is consume media that gets its clicks from telling you how bad things are, it’s too easy to believe it. My life is objectively better than my mother’s and my grandmother’s and I hope the same for my kids. The fire’s been burning since the world was turning.
Anon
Nah, climate change will make things worse for your kids. And house prices.
Anon
My friend is pretty convinced that this is the beginning of World War 3. I thought she was overreacting but now im starting to think she’s right and she’s been a Cassandra all this time.
Anonymous
I remember when some people were pretty convinced that the first desert storm was going to be the beginning of world war three.
Anon
…there was only one Desert Storm right? My understanding is that Desert Shield / Desert Storm were the “first Gulf war” and some people call Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom the “second Gulf war” but I could be wrong.
Both my Cassandra friend and I were born after Desert Storm so I’m genuinely asking here. We were born mid 90s so too young to have experienced it but young enough it wasn’t being taught as “history” yet.
Anonymous
Ya, no, you’re right. There were two phases so back then it was common where I lived to say first and second desert storm…sorry.
Anon
Yeah there was only one Desert Storm.
Anon
No you’re right. There were two phases of US wars in the gulf, but Desert Storm was a specific name for the first one.
Anon
I’m glad it wasn’t.
It doesn’t feel reassuring though; I remember when people were afraid SARS would be a global pandemic that will kill millions (now we call it SARS-1!).
For me with a lot of the crises right now, it feels like the life’s work of a whole generation is being squandered with nothing to replace it. Whether it’s Israel, Russia, Afghanistan, or even just Boeing or any number of hospital systems being deliberately destroyed by investors? It takes so, so much work to build up a functional, effective, safe, and financially secure hospital, and so little time to destroy it, and the difference is so tangible. I grew up through scary and bad things, but not with that feeling of destruction and decline.
Anon
You’re a bit younger than me, but I think a lot of it is that middle age is just boring. Your 20s and 30s are exciting – finishing school, living as an adult for the first time, establishing your career, dating, often marrying and having babies – and then you get to 40 and there’s not much excitement on the horizon. But you still have 25+ years to grind away at your job before retirement.
I’m actually pretty content. My kids are in elementary school and I love kids this age, and after a rough 2020-2022 due to the pandemic have finally come out the other side and am enjoying being able to see friends and acquaintances in person and do all the travel. My parents are in their 70s but have been fortunate not to have major healthcare needs yet. I know I’m very lucky in this regard, and I do feel genuinely happy a lot, but I also feel kind of a sense of ennui. Like, what’s the next major life event on the horizon? My kids graduating from high school, I guess, but that’s not something I’m really looking forward to.
And it’s weird and sad AF reuniting with long distance friends primarily for funerals (thankfully, at this point, our parents’) rather than weddings and baby showers.
Anonymous
I’m not far off from 50 and had a good laugh at ‘middle age is just boring’ and ‘then you get to 40 and there’s not much excitement on the horizon’.
I guess it’s all about perspective though, and how we define excitement. I’ve personally loved middle age so far.
anonymous
Same here, that comment is comical.
Anon
Like I said, I’m content and feel very lucky! But I think there’s a lack of (happy) excitement in this stage of life that makes it hard for a lot of people. If there’s a surprise in my life these days, it’s something bad, like a parent’s fallen down. It’s very different than your 20s and 30s when it feels like there’s always something new and exciting around the corner. Personally I’ve always been an old soul and I’m happy with this more settled but less exciting life. But I think a lot of people struggle with the change.
Anonymous
And that’s what I meant about perspective.
While it is a struggle for many people, it is simply not true that ‘middle age is just boring’ and ‘then you get to 40 and there’s not much excitement on the horizon’ because for many of us it is the best time of our lives so far.
I’m an old soul too and I think that’s why I’ve enjoyed middle age so much.
Anon
I don’t think you can paint a broad swath like this. I am in my 40s and this is the best time of my life. I have my ish figured out, I make the most money I ever have, I have tons of hobbies I enjoy and friends I love, I can go on fun vacations, and really don’t have all that many stressors in life. I am very very privileged.
I get to spend time doing exactly what I want to spend time doing and it’s fantastic! I was a hot mess in my 20s and 30s and I guess if you consider drunken partying exciting, then yea I guess those decades were. But man, I wouldn’t go back to those decades for anything. No thank you!
Roxie
Strange, I don’t see this at all. I fell in love for the first time in my late 30s/early 40s, had several cross country amazing moves, have a huge new height of my career so far job. Nothing at all boring about my 40s.
The beauty of being child free perhaps :)
anonymous
I thought the David Brooks article someone posted recently was really good and on point. It’s trendy now to be doomsday/the sky is falling and I don’t think that mentality helps anyone. It’s an easy trap because it’s literally restated everywhere, all the time. See e.g. this thread. When I get caught in the loop, I stop and assess my actual situation and it’s not all doom and gloom, far from it. I think if more people were actively positive a lot of the malaise would fall away. Is a lot wrong? Sure, but a lot is great too.
Anon
There’s something to this, but at the same time David Brooks is part of the problem.
anonymous
I think even viewing everything as “the problem” is actually the problem. Instead of embracing the idea that someone might think differently than you do and all of this is just life. We’re in a much better place than we’ve ever been.
Anon
But we’re losing so much ground and don’t need to be! It comes across as so smug to say this is just life when better things are possible or were recently taken for granted.
Peloton
It’s the cell phones.
Anon
I need a gut check. I am thinking about applying for a job abroad that’s come open in my subject matter expertise (I’m a US lawyer). US applicants are encouraged (visa not a problem etc). I am pretty qualified but not perfectly qualified. It would be a bit of a shift – think transactional to policy. I have two elementary age kids. I have aging parents who live independently and are in ok health but could need more attention soon. I have always wanted to live abroad, and so has my spouse. And its a total long shot to get this job.
I guess I don’t want to even let myself get excited about it if logistically it will be too much and would rather not even apply in that case. But it also seems like I should take the chance since these opportunities don’t come up very often.
Is this bananas? Has anyone done a move like this?
Senior Attorney
Why wouldn’t you apply? Plenty of time to figure out whether you want it during the application process, right?
Jules
I was going to say the same thing. Apply and then explore these questions more.
Anon
If you don’t apply – will you wish you had in five years?
I say go for it. You’ll figure it out.
Anon
Although I do not think that Sheryl Sandberg is or should be a role model for practically anything, she quite rightly said, “Don’t quit before you quit.” Apply and see what happens.
Chl
I think giving your children the opportunity to live abroad is one of the greatest gifts you can give them!
Anon
I’m a US lawyer who would love to move abroad for a while. Kid is young (pre-K), husband can be flexible with his job, and we are working on dual citizenship (not necessary, but helpful).
What options are there for American lawyers? I would love to know more.
Anon
Yes, I’ve been looking casually for opportunities and it’s hard as a US lawyer. This is an international organization that does a lot of policy work in an area of law enforcement that I have experience in. I also have a friend who worked for an NGO overseas doing trainings for law enforcement on a particular (different) area of law.
Anon
Go! Unless it is the Middle East.
Anon
Which country is it?
Anon
France
Anon
How wonderful! Take the opportunity and enjoy it!
Runcible Spoon
They can’t say no if you don’t apply — you should put together an application and submit it. Then you will have half the work done if you don’t get this job but another opportunity arises. I applied for a similar position, felt it was a long-shot, and then, surprisingly, found out they were looking for someone with exactly my background. So I got the position, moved overseas, and worked as a lawyer for four and a half glorious years. I moved back to the United States during the height of the first year of the pandemic, in summer 2020, once international travel eased up and I was able to do so. I was happy to have worked abroad, and happy to move back to the US so I could be closer to family and an aging parent.
Anon
(Edited slightly to avoid mod, apologies for double post)
I need a gut check. I am thinking about applying for a job abroad that’s come open in my subject matter expertise (I’m a US lawyer). US applicants are encouraged (visa not a problem etc). I am pretty qualified but not perfectly qualified. It would be a bit of a shift – think t-actional to policy. I have two elementary age kids. I have aging parents who live independently and are in ok health but could need more attention soon. I have always wanted to live abroad, and so has my spouse. And its a total long shot to get this job.
I guess I don’t want to even let myself get excited about it if logistically it will be too much and would rather not even apply in that case. But it also seems like I should take the chance since these opportunities don’t come up very often.
Is this bananas? Has anyone done a move like this?
anonymous
I think you’re the only person who can say if it’s bananas, really. I’d consider all the factors you list and also what will your husband do? I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with a non-working spouse. I also wouldn’t view it as a long shot. You won’t really know until you apply, but the fact that you’re qualified and potentially willing to move are two major factors. I doubt a lot of people would be willing to up and move their lives at a certain experience level.
NYCer
+1 to all of this. Whether or not your husband could get a job in the new country or continue his current job would be threshold questions for me.
Anonymous
Apply and see how it plays out. And generally no one is the “perfect fit” for a job. If you are mostly qualified you are probably competitive.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
Do you have other siblings to help with the aging parents? It’s surprising how fast age can catch up.. You mention a lot of your own needs but not much relating to spouse and kids. A move like this has to be a group endeavor. Has spouse wanted to live in this particular country? Could spouse work? What is the caretaking situation with spouse’s parents? What would the educational opportunities and career paths look like for your children? No harm in applying. But I would start discussions sooner rather than later with those around you should you begin to advance in interviewing. I know I’d be miffed if my spouse applied for something that would uproot our life without starting to discuss the pros and cons for the entire family and what the years ahead might look like. No harm in applying. But also realize that things can move much faster and become real pretty quickly.
Anon
Yeah, all good points. I’ll definitely think all of this through. Spouse is 100% on board if we can make it work financially. And yes, I would never even consider this if he wasn’t fully on board. He has always wanted to live abroad and we have discussed in the past how we could take sabbaticals and do that, etc. Not clear what he would do for work as he could not keep his job (he works in government). Important to these considerations, which I should have said earlier, is it would be a year-to-year contract. So I think we’d go into it planning for it to be a year or maybe two. Neither of us envision spending the rest of our lives there.
Thanks for the thought provoking questions. All necessary.
Runcible Spoon
If your spouse works for the federal government, you might encourage him to explore the possibility of a DETO (domestic employee teleworking overseas), which could work (unless his work is heavy on the classified side, or otherwise not suitable for a DETO arrangement). Good luck!
Aunt S
I care for extended relatives’ kids every 4th or 5th weekend (Friday to Monday). They have two girls, 6 and 9. The girls are now both in school (K and 3rd). The last few times they’ve been here, one is always bored – typically the older one. I don’t have a TV so screen time is one big difference between home and my place. My budget is $100. We walk to a park when it’s warm enough, but otherwise we’re indoors. What am I missing? I have:
– books (including several she has picked out and often asks to borrow and read at home, plus new choices)
– many board and card games, including single player and group games, most of which she likes
– art supplies, all of which she can use when she wants to (paint she has to ask first)
– dress up trunk of clothes/accessories
– indoor obstacle course supplies
I’d prefer not to buy too many single use items, like a science kit, but I’m open to that if that’s the smart thing. Little sis can play with me or entertain herself when big sis isn’t interested.
Anon
I wouldn’t buy more stuff, but it sounds like you’re not leaving the house, so can you do an activity with them? Specific ideas will depend on your location and their interests, but maybe go to a museum, the library, a movie, a pool (if they’re safe to swim), somewhere outside besides the same old park? Or try some new activities at home, like maybe cooking or crafts?
Anon
+1 definitely don’t buy more stuff, but I would try to get out of the house more.
Anon
I think you need to mix up some outings. Are there any museums near you? Can you get free passes from the library? Can you go to the library to check out some books and browse? Any concerts or farmer’s markets to wander around?
Another think that kids really love to do with an adult is cook. Why don’t you ask her if she wants to try a fun recipe, like baking a cake, or making bread or a make-your-own bagels or pretzels kit? Even if it turns out terrible, she will have spent some quality time with you.
Senior Attorney
Oh, I think cooking or baking together is a great idea! Maybe have her help you choose a cookbook and work your way through it together!
Anon
Agree baking or cooking would be great! Why not buy her a cookbook of fun dessert/sweet recipes and she can pick the one she wants to do each visit. She could pick crazy recipes that take a couple days like a three tier cake etc so you can spread it out over the weekend, and include driving to the grocery store to pick up ingredients as part of the fun.
Nudibranch
Good idea! Cooking and baking is fun. Let her pick the cook book, pick the weekly recipe, shop together for ingredients, make the recipe, and celebrate. Repeat, repeat. Your own little cooking club. Six year olds are able to participate in the fun as well.
Anon
Is the “boredom” just excess energy? I’ve got a 5 year old that needs some form of out-of-the-house physical exercise/play on the weekends or we get a cacophony of claims of “boredom.” Consider going to a local indoor mall just to run around there if the weather isn’t good outside. Indoor play areas are our go-to but can be expensive. Some libraries have museum/zoo passes that you can check out to go to so that some energy can be burnt off. Would she help you cook? Cooking together with a 9 year old is much, much easier than a younger kid and you get to actually use the results (unlike a science kit where it just sits until thrown away).
Anon
They need a few hours of outdoor play and exercise a day. How cold is it where you live and do they have proper coats for freezing cold days? I live in Florida now but my brother and I played outside up north in 20 degree weather. Do you have a place for them to play kickball? Maybe get a small trampoline for indoor fun? Nerf gun fights can be a fun activity as well.
Anonymous
+1 to outdoor play! We grew up playing in negative degree weather. As long as kids are properly dressed they can play outside in almost any weather.
Anonymous
Youre missing going out and doing things. Take them to a movie. Go to a fun museum. Go to a pool. A trampoline park. Set up a fun new craft. Bake cookies.
Anonymous
You’re missing outings.
Take them to the library, if you have public transit take them for a ride on it, take them to a grocery store to pick something for lunch…
Do not spend money on stuff. Find free or low cost things to do in your community and do that.
Senior Attorney
And also? I might get a TV (or use my computer monitor) and watch show a movie together once each weekend.
Senior Attorney
Ugh — A show OR movie…
Anon
Yeah, I feel like we do less screentime than most families I know and we do a family TV or movie night most weekends. Some screentime seems fine unless the parents have expressly said no screens.
My 6 year old loves watching Great British Bake Off with me and I know some older girls who are into it too.
anon a mouse
You’re missing movement and project-based activities. For movement – kids need to move! Best would be something that’s really active to get heart rates up, like a game. Would they be open to learning pickleball? Check with your local library, some of them lend sports equipment like a soccer net plus a ball. Go to playgrounds – a new playground is always exciting to kids. Hit up a state park for a hike and a picnic. Or if you need something more chill, go on a scavenger hunt in your neighborhood to look for things (who can find the most red cars? Or count the fire hydrants?) Tap into early-Covid child entertainment activities outside. If all else fails, put some music on your phone and have a silly dance party.
For projects – heartily endorse cooking and baking projects (plus you will be sneakily teaching them life skills). If you are up for it – get a kids cookbook (Kids in the Kitchen and Milk Bar Kids are both great) and have them choose a couple of recipes that you can work on together over the next few visits. Don’t underestimate the appeal of decorating cookies – invest in packs of fun sprinkles and different colors of icing. If cooking isn’t interesting, go to a craft store like Michaels and stock up on art projects when they are on sale – make suncatchers, perler beads, paint a birdhouse, those sorts of things. Kids do much better when you can give them directions in which to be creative (paint this picture vs do some art, where they have too much choice). Sidewalk chalk is something else that’s worth getting – can they draw pictures, or a hopscotch game to play, etc.
Look in your area for free and interesting things for kids, too. A change of scenery is a great way to break up boredom especially as the weather warms up. And even though you don’t have a tv at home, what about taking them to the movies?
Anon
You might consider signing them up for some classes. I don’t mean something like sports that meets every week, but in my area there are one-off classes held by science museums, zoos and art galleries (zoo classes are my 6 year old’s favorite because they get to meet a different animal each time). This kind of thing is usually 1-2 hours on a Saturday morning or afternoon, so not a big time commitment or cost, but it would break up the weekend and give them a chance to spend time with other kids their age. If you have a FB group for parents in your city, it’s a good resource for finding out about this stuff.
Anonymous
I have kids in both of those ages. My 9 year old does the following, though sometimes I have to cajole her:
– reads
– does her nails (will fit my nails)
– watches YouTube for fun hairstyles then does my or her sisters hair
– loves board games- scrabble, monopoly, scattergories, Catan, ticket to ride, card games of all kinds
– decorating baked goods (cookies, cupcakes)
– watches sports on tv
– shoots baskets
– makes swiftie bracelets (bead kids are like $8)
– rides her bike
You can also take them to the mall (my kids can kill hours sampling stuff at Sephora and bath & body works), to the library, to museums, zoos, heck, my 9 year old would go to Starbucks for a pink drink and a cake pop if I let her :). They will also browse target buying nothing for 2-3 hours. I’ve joked that target should install a massage chair in the toy aisle.
AIMS
Agree on going out, doing nails and baking all being fun projects for kids this age. Some other low cost ways to entertain the kids – rather than just draw, my kids love making an “art show” by taping up their drawings all over our hallway. Also, if you have any large boxes, hold on to them and let them decorate it or make it into something when they are over. Your tolerance for slime depending, kids will play with slime for hours and you don’t need to buy much to make it. If they like dancing, maybe let them have a dance party.
Anon
“rather than just draw, my kids love making an “art show” by taping up their drawings all over our hallway.”
Along the same lines, my daughter loves to make me be her art student, and she teaches me how to draw things. She’s actually a really good teacher!
Anon
That’s so cute. We used to do that, and I’d stand in front of a drawing with my chin in my hand and say something like “this bold piece represents the eternal struggle of man vs his environment,” and my daughter would yell, “No, it’s a FLOWER!” I would act very surprised and she would laugh so hard. Such cute memories.
Hollis
Can anyone recommend a good, not-too-expensive restaurant in Barcelona proper? My family of 8 (teenagers, my parents, DH and myself) will be tourists there for only 2 days – we don’t need anything fancy but we would love to try some good Spanish cuisine. Thank you in advance.
LawDawg
The wonderful thing about Barcelona is that tapas are small and inexpensive. If one plate isn’t good, move on to the next. Some of the best I had were at a stall at the back of Mercat de la Boqueria just off of La Rambla. But the stall is a stall and dinner for 8 might mean 4 seated and 4 standing.
Anonymous
Avoid anything around La Boqueria or La Rambla. Check if these ones suit your group. There is a bit of everything regarding prices.
Bar Torpedo: carrer d’Aribau, 143, local 1.
Bar La Polla: c/ del Tigre, 33.
Clara: c/ de Buenos Aires, 42.
Suru Bar: c/ de Casanova, 134.
Hermós Bar de peix: pl. de la Llibertat.
Dalt de tot: c/ de Saragossa, 66.
Taberna Noroeste: carrer de Radas, 67.
La Sosenga: c/ de n’Amargós, 1.
Nairod: carrer d’Aribau, 141.
NYCer
We liked the tapas at Vinitus and Ciudad Condal in Eixample, or for more casual, at Bar Celta Pulperia in El Born.
NYCer
Also enjoyed a meal at Llamber.
Anon
Yelp hasn’t steered me wrong in major European cities.
blalala
Suculente
Anon
In Chicago, I’ve taken and love a river cruise focused on architecture. In Savannah, I’ve done an architecture tour on foot. Is there a good architecture-focused cruise in NYC (am familiar with the Circle Line tours and have taken the ferry from NJ to lower NYC before)? A good cruise worth taking (Circle Line was decades ago)? I love NYC, but it is a huge city and just walking SoHo or Central Park could take a full day. Open to recommendations (will be travel companions’ first time in NYC, so I’m happy to do repeats).
Anony
I took an architecture walking tour through AIA New York years ago and enjoyed it, so I just checked their website and it looks like they do boat tours as well! They’re kind of pricy, but look interesting.
Anonymous
The AIA boat tours are great, and taking a ride on the East River Ferry is a fun and inexpensive thing I always do with visitors. The Municipal Art Society also has a variety of themed walking tours.
Anonymous
We took this tour in Paris years ago – it was so wonderful (and they’ve expanded so much!) I would trust it to be a pretty good tour:
https://www.contexttravel.com/cities/new-york?end_date=2024-02-16&pax=1&start_date=2024-02-02
Kelsey
Responding late to “Hawaii with Kids” poster. I have traveled to Hawaii with 3 generations also and I highly recommend the following condo places: Honua Kai on Maui (has both pools and a large beach), Koloa Landing in Kauai (best pool ever, but no beach), and Hilton Waikoloa King’s Land on the Big Island (you get access to Hilton’s huge Waikoloa resort, which has its only beach and lagoon and dolphins). All of these places were amazing and had something for everyone to enjoy. My kids loved having water slides so that was one of my criteria, and food in Hawaii is crazy $$ so I liked having a full kitchen to enjoy breakfast and make some simple meals using simple ingredients from the grocery store.
Hawaii with Kids
I’m the OP of that one and am so happy I saw this–thank you!
Anonymous
I’m not a Georgia constituent, but I’m weirdly – bummed? Not sure which word, disappointed sounds too heavy? – at the confirmation that Willis has a personal/romantic relationship with one of the special prosecutors. Even though it would be ethical in my state under our rules, I worry at the impact of a sideshow on what otherwise seemed like a tight, solid case and plan. I’m not here to shame anyone or pile on, just found myself feeling more than I thought at the recent filing and news today.
Anon
Agreed. It feeds into the “corrupt people are out to get me” narrative perfectly.
Anonymous
This exactly. And I could walk to her office from my house, so I am a constituent and a member of the bar. I still think she is doing a hell of a job but this is just unacceptable and could have easily been avoided by appointing anyone else. He is hardly the most qualified. And I am sure she could have helped his practice financially and heightened his profile another way.
No Face
It’s just fundamentally stupid with a case of this magnitude.
Anon
Right? I question my teen kids judgment daily but they could have easily figured out the right call here and that it would come out when most embarrassing.
Anonymous
“It’s unfortunate that we aren’t talking about public safety but instead the conduct of the county’s chief law enforcement officer,”
Fani Willis, speaking of the incumbent, when she entered the race for Fulton DA
Anon
You are upset about it (*I* am upset about it) because it jeopardizes the only state prosecution of DJT, also known as the only conviction that he could not pardon himself for if he gets reelected. How could she let down the team like that? She is smart and fierce and should know better.
AIMS
I agree that it’s terrible judgment on her part. But he’s also got a NY state criminal case.
Anon
Good point. One small thing: although the fraud case against him and his company is being prosecuted by the NY state Attorney General, it is a civil (not criminal) fraud case. But to your point and mine: I don’t think that matters because he cannot pardon himself for it and it goes to his greatest insecurity, his net worth. Thanks for raising this; I had overlooked it.
AIMS
He has a NY state criminal case too – first indictment and at this rate probably the first trial.
anon
I’m in Georgia and I also agree. Bummed seems kinda accurate for me…. I know this shouldn’t make a difference, but it might. It’s an unnecessary side show. I’d hate to see a good case derailed over something stupid. I hate to even say it, because Willis has a right to privacy and a personal life so long as there’s no actual ethics conflict, but I just wish this never happened. What was she thinking? It’s not worth the risk! I think a lot of people have staked a lot of hope on her work.
Seventh Sister
Also bummed. Even if it’s not an actual ethics conflict, it doesn’t look great and is the kind of thing that DJT supporters will fixate on for the forseeable future.
AIMS
I’m actually disappointed, not bummed. Bummed implies I am sad for my side maybe not winning. I am disappointed in her lack of judgement in something like this.
Annon
Help me with managing staff, specifically my legal assistant/paralegal. I started at this firm ~6 months ago. I am a midlevel and I share this paralegal with one partner. This paralegal is inexperienced in my area of the law so I am fielding a lot of questions from her (which is fine) but my main issues with her are (1) her lack of attention to detail (font, spelling/grammar errors up to big errors like not looking in the file before doing things that have already been done and asking questions/calling people where it is unnecessary and makes me look bad), routinely doing things that I did not ask because she thought they would be helpful (i.e. sending out letters I did not ask to send, making medical chronologies for cases that settled that should be aware are settled because she handles the money) and in turn neglecting work I have asked for. I have brought these things to her attention as they are happening and try to re-direct. I have brought the larger issues to the partner, and he just brushes them off as “this is how legal assistants are.” Today I found out that the paralegal has complained about my feedback and management style to the partner. The partner told me today to be gentle with her. So I need help on next steps. I don’t really know where to go from here. I have tried to ask her for a list of tasks she is working on to help prioritize but she will still go off and do things i did not ask for/don’t need and lacking attention to details.
A.n.o.n.
good news/bad news – not sure this is something you can manage? if she’s going to complain to the partner about you, and they’re taking her side, you may have to back off.
you could try to say “I want to be really clear about what I need to avoid wasting your time. please await my direction before doing work on my files, and I’ll tell you what I need.”
honestly she sounds bad at her job and it may be that she’ll eventually be managed out, but you don’t have the power to do that and if you need to “be gentle” with her, then the partner thinks this is a “you problem” and not a “her problem.”
at the firms I’ve worked at, legal assistant and paralegal have been very different roles with different skill sets, so wonder if this is a mismatch in expectations?
Cat
can you use billable hours as help? if it’s a paralegal and you have to write off her wasted time, that’s an objective measure.
Anon for this
The partner’s response and the assistant going to him to complain about you set off some alarm bells. Maybe this is not relevant at all, but just flagging it for the 1% chance that it is. I’m reminded of the time I was a grad student managing the TAs for a huge required course. I’d worked with the same professor before with no problems. When he suddenly started interfering in my job and micro-managing aggressively, I was super confused until I realized he was having an affair with one of the new TAs that year. The whole thing ended up in a hostile environment/sexual harrassment complaint from a bunch of grad students that I wanted no part of at the time. (Post-Me Too me is having second thoughts.)
Anon
It could be something like this, but it’s common in law firms for legal assistants to prioritize partner’s work, which often results in the partner thinking the assistant is great while the associate struggles to get the assistant to do anything for them. There’s also sometimes an element of misogyny with assistants (regardless of gender) generally taking direction better from older, male partners than young, female associates.
Fwiw, I had the same experience as OP and am very confident there was no personal relationship between the assistant and the partner.
PRM1
We are doing a three-generation trip (me, 12YO, my parents [excellent health, well-travelled, big walkers]) to Amsterdam this April and have a few days to play with. Wondering if Bruges was worth it, or we should focus on a day-trip to another Dutch cities, i.e. Delft, The Hague. Any guidance would be welcome.
Anon
Bruges!!
Senior Attorney
Definitely Bruges! It’s like Disney-princess-land come to life, in the best way possible! Also highly recommend this guy for a photo-based tour. I’m a VERY casual phone-photographer and I still use the hints I picked up from him: https://www.phototourbrugge.com/andy-mcsweeney/
Senior Attorney
Bruges for sure, and longer reply in mod
AIMS
I loved traveling around holland so would recommend that. Rotterdam can be fun or Haarlem.
Anonymous
I did a trip to the Netherlands in October and was based in Utrecht and loved it.
NY CPA
I liked Bruges a lot. Also, I’m sure you realize this, but make sure you do a half day or full day out to the tulip gardens, which are near the airport. That was beautiful.
Anon
Could you give the 12 year old a couple of options and have them research the cities and decide? I would have loved that at that age, and it gives them more buy in on the trip.
For the Hague, I really liked the Escher museum and I think the 12 year old would especially like the interactive exhibit on the top floor (if that’s still there, its been a while since I visited).
Runcible Spoon
You can’t go wrong with any of these possibilities! I can’t speak to Bruges, but Delft is a great short trip to see where Grotius walked the streets, and the Hague is charming and walkable in the central/historic district, with several excellent museums. (The Hague is otherwise a gray modern urban city.). Have fun!
Anon
Hague needs just a day trip but don’t forget to keep a day to go to Keukenhof. The flowers will be lovely in April. Rent bikes and cycle through fields of tulips, hyacinths and daffodils outside keukenhof.
Delft …again just a day trip.
I’d do Antwerp and Ghent. Bruges is nice but I loved the former.
Senior Attorney
We will be heading to Argentina in a couple of weeks and would like to do a cooking class in Buenos Aires. Have any of you done one that you recommend? We will be two couples.
Anon
I don’t have any suggestions. Just here to say that I want to be you when I grow up. It sounds like you are having a blast in retirement, which you totally deserve. I am so glad you are still checking in here!
Senior Attorney
Aw, thank you! That’s so nice!
SF in House
Yes! I did a great empanada class in BA with Tierra Negra Gourmet. It looks like their website is acting up, but if you search the name, you’ll see information on them. Their email is info@tierranegragourmet.com. They are absolutely lovely people and I still use the recipes!
Senior Attorney
Wonderful! Thank you!
Anon
Took the same class and also highly recommend!
Anonymous
A couple of decades I went to Argentina for work and loved it (BA and then near Bariloche). Am jealous:) Next time I want to visit both Patagonia and Mendoza.
Senior Attorney
We’re doing several days in Mendoza. Very excited.
Runcible Spoon
You probably already know this, but it’s hard to go wrong with a Viator excursion — they might offer some cooking classes. Have fun!
Anon
I am going to India next weekend and need to be able to call other people in India while I am there (e.g. drivers). What is the best way to do this in 2024? My travel agent said to get a SIM card at the airport, but then I would have to get a new number and make sure everyone has it. Can I get a SIM card on Amazon? Would an eSIM work for talk and text, or just data? I have an iPhone 12 and Verizon.
Anon
Does WhatsApp not work in India? You can’t call a landline, but you should be able to call or text any mobile number that way. That’s what I normally do when I travel internationally, including Asia.
Anonymous
SIM card at the airport is the only way unfortunately, to get an Indian number. Indian government policies restrict the ease of telecoms outside the country for security reasons.
Alternatively, purchase a Lebara SIM (will have a US number but better roaming deals) ahead of time. Don’t give out your main US number to drivers, vendors etc.
Cat
easy but expensive- Turn on your Verizon international plan (prob $10 per day) for coverage but that doesn’t mean int’l calls are free.
what we do- traveling abroad we bring an old phone and buy a monthly eSim with a local number. We use that for local comms like drivers, restaurants, etc and can make it a mobile hotspot if we aren’t in wifi range but need to use our real phones.
Cat
if you decide to go with option #1 ways to mitigate usage are (1) leave airplane mode on (but with wifi then toggled back on, like if you were going to use wifi on the plane) whenever you don’t need cell service, (2) use Whatsapp for everything possible, and (3) turn on wifi calling (under Settings / Cellular) which most of the time works to let you talk or text – even with non Apple people – when you are on wifi.
Anon
T Mobile Magenta plans have unlimited international data.
anecdata
Sim card at the airport; then email everyone you’re new number works
Alternatively, sign up for Google Fi, get service and a new number through them, and use that — but you’ll still have a US number, so you’ll want to check to make sure that doesn’t result in the people you call getting charged for international
Anon
WhatsApp is the best.
sunsprout
The Everlane backpack was my travel backpack for years and still looks brand spanking new. I only replaced it because I needed space to travel with two laptops!
anon
+1, this backpack is awesome. I have it in a navy blue and it holds up really well, has the right amount of pockets, and two perfect places for laptops (one of which is great for air travel b/c you can pull it out really easily in the security line). I even got it for sale at $50 when they were discontinuing the color, so def stalk the website!
Anon
I have this backpack and its almost perfect – the one thing is that the top pocket will 100% hit you in the head if you have to bend over while wearing it. A small annoyance, but I really wish they would add a buckle or something because the one magnet does absolutely nothing to keep it in place.
Anon
I know the ultimate answer will be to meet with a tax preparer, but-
Do, or have any of you ever filed taxes separately even though you’re married? Here’s the situation I’m in: two children 13 and under, my spouse earns $155k and I earned $23k this year due to being in graduate school and also (I know, I know) cashed out $40k in pension retirement funds to pay for the grad program. Would filing separately and claiming the kids potentially help lead to a bigger return or would bumping my spouse’s income into a higher tax bracket negate potential benefit? We’re facing needing to get a replacement car all of the sudden due to expensive repairs which are way more than the car’s value/it being 12 years old.
Anon
The US tax code favors the 1950s-style family where one partner earns the vast majority of the household income. Generally the couples that are penalized the most have similar incomes and/or both earn substantial incomes. Due to the disparity in your incomes and the fact that you earned so little, my guess is you’d do significantly better MFJ than MFS. But there are calculators online where you can quickly check. Keep in mind that there are some kid-related tax breaks (specifically the dependent care credit) you can’t claim if you’re MFS, and the quick calculators may not capture those.
TTFan
Or try it both ways in TurboTax and see what’s most beneficial for you!
Anon
Unless you normally use a tax preparer, just do it no the ways in TurboTax or whatever software you use. I highly suspect you will be better with married filing jointly, but it’s easy to check by plugging in all the info on TurboTax
Anon
Ask your tax accountant to run the numbers for you.
Anon
Ask your tax accountant to run the numbers for you. There are certain credits you can’t get, I think, if you do married filing separately?
Anon
What are traditional private communion gifts (Catholic)? It’s been decades since my communion, and my godparents got me jewelry (gold cross necklace). I’m a godparent to two boys who are having their private communions this spring and am not sure what gift is appropriate!
Anon
A bible and/or a check.
Anonymous
You can never go wrong with a rosary.
Or you can get them a crucifix for over their beds if they don’t have them, or a personalized bible or prayer book.
If you want something to put on display, precious moments makes boy first communion figurines.
anecdata
About how old are the kids, around 7 is most typical but parts of the US have moved to ages 9-10?
Maybe check with parents about what they’d like but some ideas:
– a medallion or picture of a saint they like, or who has something in common with their interests (Google “Patron saint of soccer/animals/videogames” to find a name)
– a kids’ Bible
– a religious book (Saints around the world by Meg Hunter Kilmer is one of my favorites to give, since it introduces stories of people from a very wide variety of backgrounds!)
Anon
A card with cash is perfectly acceptable (that’s what I’m telling people who are asking about my son’s). Or a wallet with cash.
You could also do a “cool” stainless steel cross on a chain (another idea I’ve farmed out), or a more masculine-looking bracelet with a cross or saint medal (My Saint My Hero has a St Michael kids one that we are giving our godson).
Do you know if the kids have a particular connection with a certain Saint (eg their first or middle name)? You can search gifts featuring that Saint and may get some ideas.
(Though, I guess I should clarify what is a private communion? Do you mean first communion, in a private ceremony?)
Anon
Thanks! First communion is what I meant; I grew up in another country and it’s called “private” communion there (I’m not sure why).
Anon
Looking for workhorse NAVY pants, not the Pixie! Not AT ankle pant. Slim fit, but not skinny. Straight fit as runner up. Having hard time finding any. Any recs?
Anon
Editing to add: with belt loops. I live in BRF Sloan but would live another option
Anon
I know no belt loop, but I also have lived in BR skinny Sloan’s for like the last decade and these have been a perfect replacement and no waist gap even though I usually need a belt in other pants besides Sloan’s.
https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=761469012&vid=1#pdp-page-content
Anon
Maybe these?
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/pants/cata000014/grp_828157_6114.html?dwvar_828157_color=2158&pid=828157
Or these?
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/tapered-chino-pants-navy/sty-r0489-nav?cat=C1_S2_G963
jm
I have been loving the LRL Double-Faced Stretch Cotton Pant. So far I’ve found that it doesn’t stretch out and has a nice slim fit – I am definitely NOT a skinny wearer so I find it looks great with pumps or flats.
Cat
JCrew Cameron or Kate?
Anonymous
I just tried the Cameron and they are a weird ponte-like fabric masquerading as woven. They bag around the knee and lower leg, making me think of Ramona Quimby and the hose that “wrinkle like an elephant’s legs.”
Anonymouse
Athleta Endless Pant! The material is snag-happy, otherwise it’s the perfect pant.
Anon
Low stakes question: what is your favorite <$5 luggage tag and why?
Anonymous
Identigrip- wraps around the bag handle.
It doesn’t hang so no risk of it getting caught in something/pulled off. Bright color distinguishes mundane luggage for easy identification in a sea of luggage. Makes the bag handle more comfortable to grab. And the personal info is hidden so random strangers aren’t reading your name and home address while waiting in line or on the train.
Cat
tying a bow using leftover grosgrain ribbon from a gift, and then writing phone # and email on a post it, laminating it with packing tape, and slipping it inside :)
Anonymous
I mean, this is crafty and basically free, but at $4.99 the Identigrip seems like a better choice. I’ve had mine in use for many years.
Anonymous Canadian
We make laminated ones using thermal laminating luggage tags from an office supply store for every trip – names, phone numbers, dates and places of travel. He prints them up on card stock and laminates them, but you can buy self-laminating ones for about the same price. They are very durable, actually. And super cheap. We have the flag on one side and our info on the other.
Highlander
7-Pack Silicone Luggage Tag Baggage Handbag Travel Suitcase Tags with Name ID Card Perfect to Quickly Spot Luggage Suitcase (Multicolor), seven for $5.