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(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anon for this
Has anyone ever had a situation with work where they ended up on the wrong foot and just could not fix things? I have been having severe performance problems and for the life of me, I cannot fix it. It has severely impacted my reputation in the office, my relationship with my bosses, and my self esteem.
Anonymous
I’ve posted about this before. I latereled into a law firm very different from my prior firm. It was rocky. Made terrible first impressions, people thought I’d lied to get the job, etc. It was truly awful. A year later, I’m not totally in everyone’s good graces, but a ton of progress has been made. For me, I had to identify why I was under-performing. I was having performance issues because I was being asked to do work without the support I needed to get it done. And also, because the worse my work was, and the worse the relationships got with people around me, the worse my attitude got. So it really took changing the way I approached work to turn things around- when I stopped thinking of it as “Bite me, I don’t like you people anyway, so why am I trying so hard to impress you” and instead thought of it as “Ok, you won’t be here forever but you know it’s a small legal community, so even if they think you’re dumb, don’t let them also think you’re rude, unenthusiastic or lazy” it really helped me renew the energy I was putting into my work.
Anon for this
This is my EXACT problem. I used to have a great attitude, along the lines of “Let me tell you why I can do this,” but as things have gotten worse, I have really started to dread getting up and going to work. People have noticed. Part of me wants to tell people “hey, all the attitudes here are getting sort of crummy,” but that isn’t totally productive. Thanks for the tip on renewing energy.
TBK
The only way to fix it is to fix it, then let time go on and have your good performance begin to outweigh your bad performance. Fixing it usually requires a system. For example, if you’re missing details, a commitment to just not miss them will not work. There are people who will always notice these things. For the rest of us, we need a structure to make it happen. So that might mean having a go-to person who will be willing to proofread everything for you, or it might mean that you read through every document with a ruler to be sure you see every word. It will depend on what the problem is, but you need a plan to fix it.
Meanwhile, you need to decide whether the job just isn’t a good fit. There are jobs that some people are amazing at and some jobs that very bright, talented people are just awful at. You’ll want to improve your performance at any rate, just because you don’t want to leave on bad terms, but it’s worth looking at whether you’d be happier, and a better performer, in a different job.
Yes
Yes, and I ended up leaving. Lateraled to a law firm into an unfamiliar practice group (that was mistake #1), got a bad performance review, switched practice groups, but just could not save my reputation. My problem was that partners talk to one another and would not give work to someone who got a bad review. And no work means no billing, which leads to further bad reviews.
I have since left, and am kicking a** at my new place.
I wish you the best of luck.
I have been there
“I have been having severe performance problems and for the life of me, I cannot fix it.”
Reading this, it seems that you should actively be looking for an exit strategy. Sounds like you have tried to fix the issues, it hasn’t worked, and your reputation is shot. Why would you want to stay?
I was in a similar situation and I can’t express how freeing it is to go to a new office where you have a clean slate.
And also, if you decide to leave (or if that decision is made for you), please don’t think of it as a failure. Some jobs are simply not a good fit for a variety of reasons.
Anon for this
I am thinking about exit strategies and I am really hoping a good position pops up soon. I think the fact that I am thinking about this though is really hindering my ability to do a good job here.
I think part of my issue is that I don’t want to stay.
Anonymous
I had a job where I did very well, but over time, my anger got the better of me. Eventually, I took a little time off. I increased my dose of anti-depressant and told my boss I knew my behavior wasn’t appropriate and that I would work to make it better. Things did improve.
ChiLaw
This is probably more about me than about you, but that’s the only way people give advice, so I’ll go for it.
Sometimes when I’m on the wrong track, I get so caught up in my doubt and anxiety and disappointment in myself that it seems like I’ll be screwing up forever. It’s a hard cycle to break.
For me, what has to change is how I characterize my screwups. I have long been a perfectionist, and while I have every intention of continuing to hold myself to high standards, I’ve changed the way I talk to myself when I fall below them.
I try to notice when I’m blowing something out of proportion. I say to myself, “I’m blowing this out of proportion. It’s a typo that can be fixed.” or whatever.
I try very hard not to read other people’s minds, and to assume that they are reasonable and charitable if they haven’t shown me otherwise. So when I start saying, “Ugh I spelled that wrong they will probably think I’m a stupid faker who doesn’t deserve her degree” or whatever, I say, “come on now, Joe may have a short temper, but he’s also shown that he trusts my work by doing A, B, and C.”
And finally, I try not to label myself. I tend to get very “I am a careless lawyer” or whatever in my head. But why should that one thing be my defining moment? It isn’t, really! So when I catch myself doing that, I try to remind myself that it is ONE thing I did, not my whole life/career.
When I’ve really worked for bad/mean people, I’ve stopped trying to win them over, and made my sole motivation my own pride and providing good service to my clients. (That can depend on the logistics of your employment, but it was really helpful to my self esteem.)
The "Joys" of Home Ownership
Just a vent: Since the beginning of the year, we’ve had to make multiple large repairs to our house. We had to replace the hot water heater and the entire HVAC system. We had a tree fall on and partially crush our back yard fence, so we had to have that removed, and replaced it with a front yard fence. One of the other trees in the yard keeps dropping limbs, so I called a tree service to get an estimate on pruning and see if that tree needed to be removed. We have four huge old oak trees in our yard. The guy quoted me $2,400 to prune 3 of them and to heavily prune and medically treat the fourth and largest one, which is apparently “in decline”. I’m getting a second quote in the next day or two. On top of this, my husband’s car is currently in the shop. Yay. What a great year this has been. Does that quote sound reasonable to yall? Also, if we end up spending that money on the trees, this will bring our random household repair spending for the year up to around $12,000. UGH. Stop being crazy, 2016.
mascot
Tree work is really expensive. HVAC work can also be really expensive. $12,000 for the year sounds about right for all of that. I’ve heard that the rule of thumb is to budget 1-4% of the purchase of your house for annual maintenance. Some years we come in towards 1%, others have been much higher.
Anonymous
I’m always shocked by how expensive tree work is. Being in the south, with the tornadoes and hurricanes and gail force winds and hail, I learned the hard way that there’s a reason people buy new houses in clear cut neighborhoods every 5-7 years. I miss the beautiful towering oaks, but not the 5 figure repair bills when tree limbs come through windows!
anon
YES. I’m from the south as well and having a tree/branch come crashing down feels like a yearly occurrence- maybe not always to you but one of your neighbors. We got hurricanes *and* ice storms.
OP if it makes you feel better, when I was in high school my house flooded (starting at an upstairs bathroom, natch, and water broke through the ceiling in 5 places, necessitating a near total renovation of the downstairs) and the same week a tree branch fell right onto our air conditioner and broke it- while it was 90 degrees out and our house was full of those industrial fans to dry it out. Got to live in a sauna for a week.
Bonnie
That’s why we’re happy that our neighbors all have mature trees that give us shade yet we don’t have to pay for their maintenance.
anon a mouse
That sounds very reasonable to me to work on four trees, but we recently paid $5K to remove two trees so it’s possible I just am still recovering from that. Trees are so expensive. The frustrating thing about so much home maintenance is that it’s not shiny and fun, but just boring and necessary. I spent a ton of money on my house last year and don’t really have anything to show for it, except stuff that works (and that anyone would reasonably expect to work).
The "Joys" of Home Ownership
Yeah, he said the tree that was in decline would cost at least $2,500 to remove if it died, so it’s more economical to try to prolong its life.
the gold digger
The frustrating thing about so much home maintenance is that it’s not shiny and fun, but just boring and necessary
Getting a new driveway ($5,000) and a new roof ($12,000) is the house equivalent of getting new gym socks. There is none of the joy of the new leopard-print heels; it is only the dreariness of “Yeah, if I don’t get new socks, I’ll get blisters and my shoes will stink.”
Anonymous
So true! We just got a $3800 quote for new gutters and I honestly can’t think of anything I’d less like to spend 4 grand of my hard-earned dollars on. GUTTERS!
boo home ownership
Hi, I’m you. H’s car is also currently in the shop and we’re negotiating with a plumber about a several thousand dollar repair to essentially re-plumb our second floor. Have already replaced a large section of roof this year (not insurance-covered unfortunately) as well as our gas furnace. Home repairs have topped $15K for us thus far in 2016. In-freakin’-sane. So serious, serious commiseration, lady.
i feel ya!
Home shopping right now and as much as I love a big beautiful old tree, having had a 100+ year old one in my back yard as a kid has made me sway more towards shrubs and young trees, however sad and puny they may be. Worrying during every thunderstorm about a branch crushing your home or taking down the power lines or having to pay for the expensive treatment and possible removal … nah. I’m sorry you have been dealing with so much home trouble – that was 2015 for us!
Anonymous
Unfortunately sounds reasonable. Also total commiseration on 2016 being crazy. We too have had one thing after the other, including, back yard erosion problems, a broken HVAC, husband’s truck basically needing the engine to be rebuilt (and it took 4 repair shops to figure this out), the dogs had a run in with a porcupine on a holiday weekend (hello emergency vet bills), and our older dog developed a medical issue that required all sorts of testing, but at least we finally have an answer and can have her treated – none of which was planned for other than normal emergency savings.
Anonymous
Related question: is home ownership worth it? I debate if I want to buy a house or not, because honestly the maintenance just sounds like a nightmare. Yes, I get that you get a house and all, but is it worth the headache? (assuming you have no plans to move to a new city for at least a decade)
boo home ownership
I go back and forth on this. For us, yes, as we have kids and thus want the stability of their own rooms and being in the same home indefinitely. And like being able to do what we want to the property (install our playset in the backyard for instance). We also have large dogs, which is harder with rentals. Not to mention we need a big backyard for them, which is harder to find with rentals. And in our area, the rental market is really hot so we actually have a 3700 square foot house for less per month than a 3 bedroom condo/townhouse rental would be. BUT, you’re right, that there is a definite additional cost to ownership. As well as the general headache of ownership. I would never ever tell anyone that buying a home is a good investment. From that standpoint, I think it’s a lousy idea. But I like the autonomy of it.
Anonymous
But you have to maintain/clean/heat/cool/pay property tax on a 3700 square foot house…. just….. yikes.
I do agree that kids and large dogs change everything.
But I am so happy I am saving a ton of money, and will retire young.
signed,
Life long renter
Anonymous
Totally not worth it in financial terms, unless you happen to be fortunate enough to buy right before the market heats up and then sell at the peak. We bought our home 13 years ago, and if we’d continued renting and put all the money we have spent on maintenance over the years into a savings account earning 0% interest, we would have come out about even.
Blonde Lawyer
Except eventually you have a paid off house and you just pay taxes and insurance when you are older and retired.
Terry
Or just sell it now and realize the equity you’ve accumulated.
Bonnie
Right. The goal is to pay off the home eventually and not pay rent until you die.
The "Joys" of Home Ownership
For me, yes. Our house is about 65 years old, we’ve been living there for about five years, and this is the first year we’ve had to do a lot of stuff. It just seems like when it rains, it pours. And I’m incredibly grateful that we’ve been able to afford all this raining and pouring. It has not been fun though.
old house owner three times
Yes indeed. Tree work is expensive and dangerous. Your tree guy needs to be insured as you don’t want your homeowners to deal with someone hurt or property damage. We had ten trees removed from our 50 year old house when we moved in. Three of them were underneath all the wires to the telephone/electricity pole for our house and two others (one next door and one behind us).
Seems things just have a lifespan. It’s been 20K a project. New roof. New plumbing (old galvanized rusts out and then leaks or bursts and the whole neighborhood is plagued with it … we had two small leaks and did the whole thing prophylacically). New ac attic ducts. new ac/heater unit. New fireplace flashing and cap. Pool resurfaced and re-tiled and plumbed. New fencing on all three sides. I can’t wait for the driveway! We have a house which has already had foundation repair, but that was long ago …. sooooo.
It’s a money pit. We do our own renoavations (incl full bath and kitchen and panelling…) we love it and we know we will outlive it. The area is turning to McMansions…we know we will now probably just be lot value as a result. So we are doing the minimum.
I feel ya! Older homes have charm and character – but at a price. Please attend to all your trees, including the sick one. Haven’t ever heard of a sick one gaining full vitality…it will be more expensive to remove as it continues to grow.
Good luck.
Anonymous
I think it’s worth it but we haven’t had this kind of maintenance. We’ve lived in our house for four years, and we’ve never had to do a serious (>$200, unexpected repair. Of course I know that won’t always be the case and we have an emergency fund, but most people don’t spend $12k a year on non-optional house repairs. We definitely spend more on maintaining our house than we did renting (calling plumbers and handymen for small stuff that breaks, semi-annual HVAC maintenance, cleaning and yard maintenance of a much bigger space, plus property insurance costs more than it did for our rental apartment) but we’re also building equity with every mortgage payment, which we weren’t doing when we were renting. If you’re concerned about maintenance costs look for a newer house, get a very thorough inspection and push the sellers to fix everything the inspector identifies. Owning a condo or townhome is also good if you’re worried about maintenance costs. You have to pay a monthly cost for the homeowners’ association, but it’s fixed and they will take care of a lot of maintenance for you (plus you just have less space and less yard to maintain).
boo home ownership
I’d just counter this quickly by saying that you seem really lucky honestly. I have a newer home (less than 15 years) and a couple thousand dollars of repairs every year has been the norm, not the outlier (though 2016 has been way, way worse). Not to mention that owning a townhome or condo comes with a whole different type of repair stress — assessments. And those may or may not be for something that directly impacts your unit. And then you have no control over how the work is done or by who (beyond your HOA vote).
Anon at 3:00
Agree that a couple thousand is normal and we’ve been lucky to not have that much. But $12k seems like it would be an unusually costly year, unless your home is huge.
The "Joys" of Home Ownership
Oh yeah, we’ve lived there for 5 years and this is the first year we have done anything other than cosmetic stuff. This year is definitely a huge outlier. When it rains it pours, I guess.
Anonymous
Honestly, I get SO much joy out of owning a house. Even I think it’s a little ridiculous and I’m not sure it’s a normal reaction. But I’m really not exaggerating when I say that every day I get home from work and look at my beautiful house and I can’t believe it’s all mine and that DH and I bought it without any help, and it just makes me sooo happy. I grew up in a tiny, fairly rundown house (though my parents were not poor by any means) and it just gives me the most incredibly feeling knowing that my children will grow up in such a beautiful, spacious place. We spend about $5,000-$10,000 a year maintaining a $350,000 home (so right around that 1-3% estimate) and for me that money is very worth it. My house makes me happier than a luxury car or a designer handbag (neither of which I have) would, so for me the money is worth it. It is an investment though.
KateMiddletown
Thanks for this. We just bought our house @ 350~ and you’re right. It’s so much nicer to have this place than it would be to have a LV bag FOR US. It totally does depend though.
Anon
People who decide to rent may not be spending money on a LV bag or a luxury car instead of owning a house..they may be investing some where else..
Anonymous
And people who own homes are adding to their net worth when they pay the mortgage every month…The money spent on maintenance and taxes and insurance is not savings, but the equity put into the house is a form of savings.
Anon
In the town we live, taxes, insurance and any maintenance costs of an average home comes about the same as our rent…so financially it is not of any advantage. If you don’t care for other positive things about a owning a home (like a sense of achievement, bigger space etc, there is no point in buying it unless there is some other compelling need for it.
Anonymous
+1
I agree completely with this.
January
This. I love my house. I don’t love the extra expenses that come with maintaining it, but it really does make me happy to come home and know it’s mine, in a way that renting didn’t.
For anon who commented that renters might not be spending the money on luxury handbags or cars or whatever – I think OP’s point is that the house itself is the luxury item, for some of us.
Anonymama
This is really a lovely attitude, I love that you have so much gratitude and joy for your home, and it is something I want to emulate.
Anonymous
The answer is, as usual, “it depends”.
If you do buy, the best two options are: buying in an future “up & coming area” (but that requires a bit of a crystal ball to ID) or the worst house in a great neighborhood (but that may require lots of work).
Anon
We want to buy a house…but the posts like this discourage me. We live in an apartment and rent is a fixed cost. I started working at the peak of recession and my foremost goal has been becoming financially independent. Owning a house adds so much unplanned expense and I feel makes me dependent on my job for a very long time. Every one we know owns a house and they think we are nuts not to be owning one. We may end up buying one when we have kids as we plan to have one set of parents at any given time living with us at least when the kids are young and apartment will be just way too congested for four adults and a kid (possibly two kids).
anon a mouse
Well…. your rent is a fixed cost until the market goes nuts and your rent goes up by 20% a year. Or until your landlord decides to sell, or until your needs change and a different rental costs more.
Homeownership helps smooth out those expenses over the long term. 15-20 years from now, my principal & interest will be the same (or less, if I make large prepayments). Taxes and maintenance are costs, but I expect that they will rise more slowly than my income over the same period.
lost academic
I will also say, I am having a lot of trouble going back to renting vs owning right now. We moved to a new city and had trouble selling the old house and also aren’t completely sold on new city just yet – could be leaving again in 1-2 years. (If I had to say now, I’d say we’re absolutely leaving, we’re both dissatisfied with it enough to drop the cash on the move again.) But we’re in a rental house right now and it’s really very stressful to not be able to do anything without approval we don’t often get, and to have to wait days or weeks on basic maintenance issues. Everything from dealing with weeds to broken AC to not being able to put up curtain rods – we knew more or less what we were getting into and I am not eager for it to continue much longer.
Pep
The $2400 quote for the four trees sounds like a bargain to me – sorry! I have paid thousands over the years for pruning and maintenance on a gigantic willow in my yard. If I come into any money I want to have it cut down. It terrifies me during storms, I’ve gone so far as to sleep on the couch on the other side of the house because I’m afraid it will crush me in my sleep.
I’ve also replaced my roof (which I knew was coming and saved for) but replacing the hot water heater a few months ago was not planned. The dishwasher died Labor Day weekend, but I can live without it for the moment.
My HVAC guy says I have a couple years left on the heat pump so I’m saving for its replacement.
So I guess that’s my advice – put money to the side as often as you can and plan for the unplanned.
Anonymous
Sometimes I think we would have been better off if we’d kept renting instead of buying. That 1% rule of thumb is nonsense. Most years we spend 3% – 5% of our home’s current value on maintenance. That’s just keeping the place from falling apart; we aren’t even doing anything to make it appreciably nicer, like replacing the 25-year-old kitchen and bathrooms or repainting the trim that is now all dinged up.
Anonymous
Wow, 3-5% every year is shocking to me. Our home’s purchase price was $450k (it’s worth even more now) and most years we spend about $1,000 on maintenance (excluding fun stuff like a kitchen remodel that we didn’t have to do). That’s 0.2%. I know the year we need a new roof (which is looming) it’ll be a lot, but that’s a once-every-20-years thing. Is all this damage caused by natural disasters like a tree falling on your fence or is it stuff in your house that’s breaking? Is your house very old?
Anonymous at 2:53
Our home is worth less than yours (LCOL area). It was shoddily built 25 years ago and is literally falling apart. Every year there is a major repair/replacement (HVAC, deck, roof, exterior painting, etc.), and every year we have to replace pieces of rotted exterior trim and failed Masonite (paper!) siding. Plus that we have trees that constantly need to be treated for pests and diseases and others that have to come down. Then there is the normal routine stuff you would expect.
I have been there
This was us. Bought a home, spent a lot of money on maintenance, way more than we thought (and our house was relatively new). We’re now back to being renters and are so much happier.
Condos FTW
My story: bought an SFR to start a family, broke up with presumptive father, kept house because of inertia, spent $$$ fixing and improving to make it my own (plumbing, electrical, insulation, landscaping and trees, light fixtures, painting, roof, carpet, garage door), realized I didn’t even like the house or the location and that I am not going to have kids. Sold for top dollar to couple planning to have kids.
Bought a condo in a high-rise walking distance to work. No foundation, yard, roof, water heater (water is centrally heated somewhere in the building), taking out the trash. In 18 months, I’ve fixed a faucet, repaired a blind, washed the carpet, and installed a dimmer switch. The frig and laundry machine that came with the place are showing signs of needing major repairs/replacement soon-ish but the frig repair is DIY after buying the $180 part. That is it. No major repairs and I can still make it my own (within HOA limits).
TL;DR: condo living is the best compromise between owning an SFR and being a renter.
Anonymous
roof replacement and mice
KateMiddletown
Yeah, unfortunately. Trees are ridiculous. We have a few questions about who owns which in our backyard… ugh.
Beth
We’re in the burbs of Boston. Had a massive tree (split trunk, with each trunk having over a 2′ radius, over 100 ft tall) that needed addressing. $900 to prune, $1800 to remove, plus an add’l fee to do the dump grinding (we passed. I think $250?). And it was “cheaper” because it was in the front of the house so the armada of trucks could access it easily vs going OVER THE HOUSE which apparently happens a lot.
Beth
Oh! And just this year was we had bats and squirrels in the attic ($1400), gypsy moths ($700 per year til they’re gone- really bad infestation), and had to rebuild the boiler ($1500). Last year it was mild ($2400), the tree work ($1800), chimney work ($1000), the list goes on.
Our last house was a starter home that changed over every 5-7 years so it was constantly maintained/ inspected. We spent like $1000 over 6 years on the place. This one we’ve been in 2 years and spent 15x that!
Anon655
Do you have a specialist in your area? We had an arborist on the academic side from a state university come look at our oaks and advise on what to be done. He did not have any financial interest in his assessment, so when we got different quotes from the people who actually do the pruning, we were able to weed out who just wanted to make money and who was doing the right thing.
housecounsel
I have this scarf in black and silently think of it as my Office Blankie. It’s the best defense against overaggressive air conditioning in summer.
Liz Warner
Does it tend to shed? I have two cashmere scarves from Saks that I can’t use unless I am wearing clothes that match the “fur” that will come off the scarf….
stuck
I could use a pep talk. Between dating and work stuff, I feel totally stuck, like nothing will ever change or improve.
I have had zero luck dating for the past two years. I’m starting to think I’ll never click with anyone again. I go on a decent number of dates, and I really have been trying to make an effort and be open, but dating has increasingly felt like a chore. As I get into my mid-30s, the question of kids is also top of mind, whether I want it to be or not. It exhausts me to think about finding the right guy and quickly having kids. The timing of it all seems almost impossible.
I also feel totally stuck in my career. After some great years where I felt like I could do no wrong, I seem to have plateaued at my company and although I’ve been interviewing, I haven’t found anything else. I feel like a loser as I watch friends effortlessly climb the ladder and I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I don’t want to be partner or anything, but I would like to advance a little more and it’s just not happening.
My friends are all having kids and their priorities are changing, so I can’t really talk to them about either of these things.
I’m having trouble getting past my feelings of hopelessness on these two fronts. Some days I wake up and think, is this it? It’s fine, but will I ever feel extreme joy or passion again? Or will I just go through the motions?
My social media feed is flooded with people’s kids and everyone saying their families and kids are the meaning of their lives, which doesn’t help.
Anonymous
Please don’t stop talking to your friends – they still care about you even if they are often focused on the more immediate needs of the crying baby in their lap.
I’m 36 with 3 kids but through the baby years I have really valued my friendships with my single friends. Getting together for brunch with them was this amazing safe space where it was okay to not be a mom first and just talk about non-Mom stuff. We’re all moms now and I miss my oasis of non-mom sanity.
Sydney Bristow
This won’t help with everything, but I highly recommend taking a social media break. Having all that in your face makes it much harder to process your own feelings in my experience. Try it for a weekend. Once it’s been a few days, you might not miss it as much as you expect.
CountC
Wait for it . . .
If you are open to it, I think therapy would be helpful in this situation. I wasn’t going to suggest it until you got to the hopelessness part. I don’t think you would need a ton of sessions, but just a few to help get you recentered. Where I find therapy is more helpful than talking to your friends about things like this is that instead of giving you well meaning advice (friends) that might just bandaid the problem if it even makes you feel better at all, the therapist will help you work through WHY you are feeling the way you are (not the surface level stuff you have mentioned here) and help you reframe how you think about things. A therapist can also help develop some techniques to help you moving forward so that you don’t need to go back if these feelings arise again in the future.
Alternatively, I’d suggest introducing meditation into your daily routine. Start with 5 minutes when you wake up and 5 minutes right before you go to bed. It will likely be hard at first, and that’s okay. Forgive yourself for letting your mind wander and then recenter your mind.
Finally, if you haven’t already, I would pick up some of Brene Brown’s books. You certainly aren’t alone in having these feelings and despite what social media is telling you, not everyone is as happy as they appear. I agree with the recommendation to step away from social media for a bit. You can deactivate Facebook without losing anything if/when you decide to reactivate.
CountC
I will apologize that I didn’t really answer or provide what you are looking for initially, so here’s my pep talk. . .
This is a moment in time. It’s your right now, not necessarily your next month, next year etc. It feels hopeless, but I promise it’s not. Try thinking about the things that you enjoy in your life. If you’re coming up short there, is there something you have been meaning to try or do and just haven’t? Go do that!
Take a break from the grind of trying to date and take a break from job searching. Give yourself permission to not care about those two things for a minute! It’s okay to not be constantly searching for a mate or a new job, even if those are things you really want. It sounds like you are way burned out on dating, so take a break. Are there employee resource groups or any training you can take at work that will take your focus off immediate career advancements, but which may make you more attractive to your employer in that regard?
Monday
I suggest a total non-sequitur in your life, or even more than one. By this I mean a goal or project that has nothing to do with either relationships/kids or your job. Throw yourself into this thing(s) with all the time and effort that you can safely spare. It’s counter-intuitive, but it’s worked wonders for me.
At the moment, my professional life is stable though very stressful, and my husband just left me. I’m amazed at how well I am doing, considering the circumstances, because I am still very excited about two particular hobbies I have going. I’m about to become an instructor in one of them. They give me concrete goals, a sense of achievement when I meet those goals, a community of people who know me completely apart from husband and job, a more versatile identity, and a feeling that my life is going somewhere in these respects if not others. I assume that over time, the career and marriage issues will get resolved, but in the meantime I have other outlets and they’re saving my sanity. If you invest in such outlets, your perspective will widen, and I think that’s a much more workable solution than trying to make things go our way.
Kay
This. I think you need to do something fun to lift your spirits. Maybe focus on a hobby? Even if you’re busy, make the best of your free time. When I start going down the road you’re describing (especially about work), I focus on something that makes me happy. I’ve spent a lot of time volunteering, at the gym, hiking, and camping. These things make me feel better and happy. It doesn’t make up for some other crappy things right now, but it gives me something to look forward to. And honestly, I think this has made my attitude better at work because I’m happier outside of work.
No Problem
Are you me? I’m in exactly the same boat regarding work and dating.
I started therapy about two months ago and am on day 1 of an antidepressant. I wasn’t really sure I was depressed enough to warrant medication, but my doctor thought I hit enough of the criteria. Therapy has helped a bit, though it’s a slow process and also requires me to actively do things to improve my situation (basically the action items the therapist recommends). Hopefully the medication will help my brain get out of its own way so I can do some of those things.
Ellen
Hug’s to you. You sound alot like me. Hard working but with no luck snagging a DECENT man. But do NOT frett over it. You will find the right guy, as will I, but we NEED to be patent. With so MANY LOOSERS just lookeing for us to pull our pantie’s down, we MUST look for the good apple in a pile of bad apple’s. But he is there, Dad says, and I agree. Just wait, and look, and do NOT give up! Both you and ME will be MARRIED and with child within a year! YAY!!
Puppies
I don’t have any advice but I feel exactly the same way you do.
January
I only saw this this morning, but if you’re still reading, I just wanted to chime in to say I am feeling the same way. Thanks for posting so we can all benefit from the advice here.
Shopaholic
Has anyone bought a Kate Spade bag recently? There’s a new one I absolutely love but I want to make sure there have been no quality issues recently.
Thanks!
BabyAssociate
Yes, my currentwork/ laptop bag is Kate Spade. I got it about a month ago and I really like it. Not sure why I can’t find it on the website, but it’s very basic: black leather large front snap pocket that can fit at 13″ laptop, main pocket with zipper close.
NOLA
I bought a light turquoise tote for the summer and I was worried about how it would hold up, given the color. I carried it every day and it doesn’t look banged up or dirty or worn at all.
the gold digger
You know she sold the company a few years ago, right? I think it is now considered more of a mass market brand than a luxury brand.
Also, if you buy it on eBay, even new, be aware that there are counterfeits. Whatever you do, do not buy from the eBay seller jiromageneralstore – she sold me a counterfeit bag (color started coming off the handles almost immediately) and accused me of faking the photos I sent her as proof. I was not able to get a refund.
Anonymous
It was last sold ten years ago, so that’s not going to be the cause of any recent change in quality.
Sydney Bristow
I bought one in July. I only carry it once or twice a week but it still looks brand new.
Anonymous
I bought one last year. It’s beautiful and seems to be holding up well, although I’ve been very careful not to take it out in the rain or snow and to store it in a dustbag at home. I’m not that careful with most of my bags so I’m not sure if I would chalk up how nice it looks to quality o r better care on my part. Probably both.
Shopaholic
Thanks everyone. I don’t really think of Kate Spade as a luxury brand but I found a bag that is exactly what I’ve been looking for in a gorgeous colour so I figured it would be a practical yet fun purchase. I just wanted to make sure they weren’t having major quality issues and it sounds like they aren’t!
BabyAssociate
Go to an outlet if there’s one near you!
Anonymous
Nooo outlet bags are made specifically for the outlet and are very different than regular KS bags and much lower quality, but not priced accordingly. There’s been discussion of it here before.
Wildkitten
The outlet is great for fun purchases, not workhorse purchases.
Yup
I spent like 20% of my day googling things for able-bodied clients (who are emailing me so presumably also at a computer connected to the internet.) (mid-level. solid regional firm with corporate clients).
I also start all my research on the Googs, which gets me pretty well briefed/30k foot view of landscape, research articles, summary of recent decisions affecting an industry, etc.
I can’t for the life of me figure it out if I’m just a better researcher (I admittedly go pretty far down the google trail), call contact numbers to get answers, etc.) Does it just not occur to people to see if they can figure it out? Or they’re scared to have the wrong answer and want an attorney to tell them the same answer they could get for themselves in 20 minutes?
Not trying to be a jerk, (or complaining–i love to figure stuff out). I’m just thinking my contact people are Boomers who maybe don’t fully grasp how connected they are to all of this information. Slightly scared for when the “Millenials who google” take the reins and take all my low hanging fruit.
Anonymous
I think it’s a skill set that you have. My husband has a Phd and I cannot sit near him while he attempt to Google regular info online. It is a slow and painful process. I literally cannot understand how he can be so smart about somethings but so incredibly slow at effectively and efficiently using Google.
Anonymous
My theory about this is that people are just lazy.
CountC
+1 If they know you will do it for them, they will keep asking. I have friends like this and I stopped doing it for them because come on yo, it’s 2016 and I know you have an iPhone too. Obviously, you can’t start ignoring your clients however.
Yup
I bill them, so they’re paying a few hundred dollars. It’s just weird.
CountC
It happens so much in my life, not just to me but to coworkers and friends, that it doesn’t seem weird to me. Hey, if you can bill for it and they are willing to pay the bill, I’d probably proactively ask them if there is anything else I find for them!!
Anonna
http://lmgtfy.com/
Maddie Ross
There’s also a certain amount of CYA-ing that comes from having your attorney do it. They don’t care how you got the info, they only care that it came from you so they can pass that up the chain. And look to you (and your malpractice insurance) if there’s an issue with it.
Anonymous
I think there’s a CYA element to it. Corporate clients don’t want to tell their boss “We should do X instead of Z because google says X is better.” They want to be able to tell their boss “Our outside counsel advised me that X is our lowest risk option.” No one is going to fault that guy for relying on the advice of counsel. They will fault him if he relies on the advice of Bing.
anon associate
“Or they’re scared to have the wrong answer and want an attorney to tell them the same answer they could get for themselves in 20 minutes?”
This is part of it. They want to be able to rely on YOUR malpractice insurance and cover their a$$ by having run it by the lawyer.
I bet some of it is an age thing, but don’t underestimate the research skills being a lawyer gives you. You know where to find information, but you also know when you’ve evaluated all of the sources that you need to evaluate and thought of all the different angles that you need to evaluate before you determine your answer is correct. You know that feeling when you *know* you’ve done enough case law research to feel like you’re not missing anything and are familiar with the general way the law works? Most people don’t have that skill set (1Ls certainly don’t!), especially on a legal issue. You’re also able to quickly sort out what’s relevant and what’s not. If it’s an area you already know about, then of course you’ll be better at getting the right answer than they will be. I work in a very complex, niche area of law serving corporate clients. They appear to believe that we know a lot of stuff off the top of our heads (lol no). Our area is also so vast that I bet they could google something, and get totally overwhelmed or lost. Or they’d get to the right answer but not recognize that it was the right answer.
Many people simply do not have this skill set, and struggle even more if the question arises on a topic they are unfamiliar with.
Also the higher-ups are busy. Easier to outsource to the associate. It’s been explained to me like this: associates do leg work learning/confirming the facts and the law. Partners/managers apply their business expertise and experience to the info you give them to make a recommendation.
Anonymous
Echoing this- a big part of being a lawyer is knowing what questions to ask. We call it issue-spotting, but the truth is that we’re trained to know, not what the answers are, but what the questions are.
(Former) Clueless Summer
I have had similar experiences with clients asking things like this – I agree with the above posters that it’s probably 50% CYA – they don’t have to own a mistake if it came from legal. The other 50% is that I think sometimes people think lawyers can find (or already know) answers they can’t find or don’t know, when in fact, we almost never have an answer off the bat but tend to know where to look (and sometimes that where is google).
Anon
Oh – this is on point for me today! I’m fixing up an employee handbook for a corporate client. Got to something I wanted to update in light of the ACA and googled the specific provision. What did google lead me to? The exact same employee handbook I was marking up. No idea if the client used a free online example or if the client’s prior firm did. Either way, it cracked me up.
Walnut
Eh, I’m in tax. Sometimes I wish people would STOP googling and just let me do the real research.
Anonymous
My fiance (who is the breadwinner) got laid off today completely unexpectedly bc of restructuring right before we’re supposed to take a vacation that we’ve been looking forward to immensely. I think we will be ok (severance is generous and he’s good at what he does), but it feels like it has put a huge damper on the trip. hopefully once we get there, it will help us forget about everything for a little bit. just wanted to vent, just feels like so many things are always going wrong!
Yup
I feel like everyone older than me who has experienced a bad life event always says “that really sucked at the moment, but I’m glad that happened because I learned from it, x happened, I got to do y, etc.” a few years after something objectively bad happens.
That’s what I’m hoping, at least! Hang in there! And hey, maybe stress free vacation for him? not as much incentive to be all over the work emails?
Anonymous
So sorry! I think the vacation could be a blessing though. A change of scenery and taking your mind off things can actually be a really good thing. Hopefully it will clear his head and he’ll come back renewed and ready to focus on the job hunt.
Anon
I’m sorry! My husband, who’s also our main breadwinner, was laid off 3 months ago in a similar fashion and it’s hard. It will be okay, though. Hang in there.
I would still go on the vacation. We had JUST gotten back from 2 trips when Husband was laid off, but if we hadn’t, I think we would have gone away. It’s good for both of you to get a change of scenery, get some perspective on your new situation, and decompress a little.
Anonymous
Someone mentioned the Unhitched column in the NYTimes and how it highlights some couples that got divorced and what went wrong. On the flip side, I enjoyed this piece about couples who got together young and have gone the distance and their advice to lasting love: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/09/22/fashion/weddings/Secrets-of-High-School-Sweethearts.html
SW
This was very sweet. Thank you for posting!
Anonymous
My colleague and I share an assistant. This morning it came out that she is pregnant and he is the father. He’s married, but not to her and his wife outed the affair publicly and filed for divorce. I don’t have any interest in gossiping about people’s personal lives at work, but I’m annoyed because ever since the news got out they have both been hiding in his office, leaving me on my own to do all the work without an assistant to help.
Just needed to get that out.
BabyAssociate
WOAH. That is….dramatic.
Anon
They were idiots and continue to act like idiots. Time to rally for a new assistant.
Anonymous
I believe that’s called “retaliation” and I don’t recommend it.
Monday
How annoying for you. Sounds like a plot line that would be too outrageous for Mad Men. I hope that if this goes on, some other plan comes together for getting their work done. I assume that their reporting relationship needs to be severed anyway, asap.
Cat legal question
Found a cat Sunday, brought cat to vet Monday, considering adopting cat if there is no owner, vet did a couple of treatment things to check for illness/injury, then found a microchip. Contacted owner. Vet stopped doing tests while waiting for owner but sent cat back home with me until we heard from owner (I ok’d this). Owner says to just put cat in backyard, she’s on vacation for another week or more. We find out cat traveled 5 miles to my house. Owner had left cat in yard where coyotes live w/o food or water, now wants me to put cat back in said yard without food/water. Vet emailed owner that that is not ok, does she want them to board the cat til owner returns. Owner is now non-responsive.
I’ve spent approx. $200 on this cat with the vet and am fostering this cat in my house, where he is quarantined since we didn’t do all tests and don’t want to get other animals sick if he is ill.
At what point is the cat considered abandoned and mine if I want to keep him? If owner reemerges at some point, is she legally responsible to repay me for the money spent on the cat (vet costs and fostering costs)? The cat is great and I’d consider adopting, but worry about whether this owner’ll show up at some point claiming I stole the cat or something and I’d be out money in addition to then being attached and heartbroken. Advice?
Anonymous
IANAL, but I think from a moral standpoint it’s wrong to try to keep it permanently once the owner has been identified and has told you she’s on vacation and will be back in a week. Sure, she’s non-responsive now, but she’s also given a good reason why she’s not communicating. It’s not the same thing as just never responding to an email. You may not think she’s a responsible pet owner (and I would agree) but I don’t think that gives you the right to just take the cat. The dog down the street from me has a terrible, irresponsible owner. I really wish I could just take the dog because I know I would give it a better life, but that’s not the right thing to do.
Cat legal question
I think that’s the worry… when she did this and the cat ran 5ish miles before being found by us, that’s a concern. When she finally responded and just said to put the cat back in her yard, that’s another concern. The yard had no food/water, a yard doesn’t keep a cat contained, and the coyote problem is well documented for the area. Plus, when the vet said that they could not do that and that this sort of neglect is actually a misdemeanor, the owner was unresponsive. It seems the owner was gone for more than a week before this (so the cat had no food/water for that whole time and was out in the elements), but the owner is gone for at least another week.
I’m not trying to have a “who would be a better owner” debate, I know we can’t just adopt the things we know we could parent better, I just don’t want to surrender a cat to a shelter that’s already overrun or leave this cat in the yard to get harmed or continue to incur expenses and love this cat if the owner has forever to show up and demand her cat back.
nutella
laughed so hard when I realized that “I an@l” means “I am not a lawyer”
anon
Owner sounds like a horrible person and probably doesn’t even want the cat. I would keep the cat (but not incur any more vet bills unless absolutely necessary) and wait and see if the owner contacts you. If the owner does contact you, I would tell her that you will give cat back, but will also report her to the authorities for animal neglect, then see what happens.
Anon
+1
shamlet96
agree with all this.
Anon8
Keep the cat. See if you can get the microchip registered to you. There’s no proof the cat belongs to this lady. She sounds awful. A responsible owner does not leave a cat outside while they’re on vacation. Keep the cat inside so it can’t wander back to it’s “home”. You did a good thing by taking in the kitty and giving it a good home.
mascot
What are the animal control laws in your area? In my city, found animals are supposed to be surrendered to animal control. Owner has 5 days to reclaim animal, then animal may be adopted or picked up by a rescue group. There’s a fine associated for having an “at-large” animal and also for not being able to show proof of rabies, so presumably it dissuades negligent owners from picking up the animal. Animal control will work with the person who found the animal if they want to adopt after the stray hold is up. I’d follow your local ordinance if you really want to keep him.
Cat legal question
in the LA, CA area, not sure in this case since laws don’t seem to include anything about owner responding to an email but then saying to do something neglectful and then not responding further.
Em
+1 I work with rescues in several states and it is very important if we have a dog turned in or found that we follow the local ordinances regarding reporting and surrendering the lost animal and waiting the required period before an animal is considered abandoned. Most of these facilities are at capacity, so they will probably be more than happy to allow you to adopt the animal if the owner doesn’t claim it (and may let you foster it in the interim).
Cat legal question
The vet’s office said they’re nervous about us turning the cat over, even if we offer to be a foster. This is because we spent so much money vaccinating the cat and such and they said shelters have to give shots and such when they take an animal, so the cat would be given shots and treatments twice in one week since they said shelters can’t just take the vet’s records. Otherwise, we worry about this poor cat going into a shelter even for a short time since it’s so sweet but we don’t have any history of being a shelter foster parent. Thoughts?
Anonymous
This is really strange, it makes no sense that the shelter’s vet wouldn’t believe the records or info of your vet. Presumably they are regiatered with the same professional body
Yup
are you sure there’s no food or water?
I lived on a farm with outdoor/barn cats (coyotes were around, but they didn’t really bug the cats). Basically, people would be getting rid of pet cats for peeing/being allergic/other reasons, I would “adopt them,” and just put them in our barn and tell my parents I found them. (my parents were cool with feeding stray cats, but not with affirmatively going to get them, so this was a good workaround)
We weren’t particularly committed to the cats beyond feeding/vet/petting them when they were out there, but they seemed to have a happy life chasing mice and playing.
So, i guess leaving cat outside isn’t super egregious in my eyes, owner may not be terrible/negligent.
BUT, we wouldn’t have been too interested in arranging expensive boarding if they wandered away whie we were on vacation, and would’ve given you barn cats if they’d wandered away and you’d found them while we were on vacation!
Cat legal question
we live in an urban area (a suburb of los angeles) and the yard was wide open, no food or water dishes, with a huge warning to the area residents every night on the news about coyotes, including not even letting your dog into the yard without being there as the coyotes are taking animals all the time now.
Knowing the cat traveled so far before ending up on the doorstep was a problem and initially the vet found no chip, so we thought it was just an abandoned cat. We spent the money to see if it was healthy and thought, if it is, we can try it at home with our other cats and adopt him if they get along. We found out partially through the testing that there was a chip and a registered owner. We stopped the testing at that point and have kept the cat separated in a bathroom until we know what to do here but it’s been 5 days of this and I’m just wondering how long the woman has to come forward/when the cat is considered abandoned if she doesn’t, and how this can all play out in a way that’s best for the cat and least destructive to our hearts and wallets.
Beth
What does animal control say? Can the cat board with AC (or whomever does boarding for AC)? If you hadn’t found the cat it would have ended up with AC anyway, right?
Also, are you certain the cat has no food/water? As in, you were told this? Are you sure the cat can’t access it in a spot like under a porch, through a cat door, whatever?
Cat legal question
Animal control basically just asked if we were surrendering the cat or if we didn’t want them to take the cat away. If we hadn’t had the cat show up on our porch, he likely would have been eaten by coyotes, since things are so bad with them that the local news is warning people every day to not even let dogs into yards (coyotes recently ate a pitbull, so anything small is definitely a target). No food/water, went to the house and there was nothing there, no cat door or access to the home, nothing about it from the owner, who seemed to think the issue was just as if a basketball had rolled into a neighbor’s yard and was in the way, rather than that a being was without food/water/safety. When the vet emailed about it, there was no mention of any food/water being present or any surprise of the situation or any relief that the cat was found safe, just to put it back in her yard. Further emails from the vet’s office including explaining why that is cruel and they can’t do it, offering to board the cat for a fee, telling her that the folks who found the cat spent money on him, etc. etc. have gone unanswered for 2 days now.
Mermaid
Perhaps the vet could tell the “owner” that the cat was returned to her yard. You keep the cat. When the owner returns home, there will be no cat in her yard. Could’ve been coyotes, or maybe it just wandered off again.
KateMiddletown
Nothing else to add today except has anyone checked out the new Dagne Dover line? I’m an early adopter of their 15″ tote and now I soooo want a new one. The clutch… my heart.
Anonymous
First real vacation in three (!) years! We’re heading to Hawaii and I am hoping to take family photos there. Any suggestions for a beach-y vibe dress that:
– Is monochrome (no prints)
– Bra-wearable
– Not lowcut?
Thanks in advance!
ChiLaw
How about a brightly colored maxi? It’s easy to find one with a tanktop-like top to be bra friendly, and I think that maxi dresses look beachy! I’ve seen some pretty ombre ones in blues/purples lately, but is that too much of a pattern?
Anonymous
I don’t think so? I mostly want to make sure that the attention is on the baby rather than on me and my patterned dress!
Maddie Ross
I like J.Crew Factory for this. They usually have a number of solid colored dresses with more tank-style straps or full coverage up top for bra purposes every summer. It looks like there are a couple varieties on clearance now.
Anon
Kat mentions using the scarf as a head wrap if caught in the rain. I’ve done this in the snow before. While I know Grace Kelley and Audrey Hepburn did it back in the day, I feel like wearing a wrap like that today is too similar to religious Muslim head coverings. I’ll still do it in a pinch to keep my hair dry but I’m less comfortable wearing one that way as a deliberate fashion choice. Not because I’m afraid of being mistaken for a Muslim woman but because I don’t want to appear to be misappropriating the culture. Am I over thinking it?
Anonymous
Yes. It’s only cultural misappropriation if you’re doing it to try to look Muslim.
Anonymous
Well, I’ve worn a chador on the advice of the company that sent me overseas. When in Rome . . .
BabyAssociate
I also do/have done this and will admit the same thought crossed my mind. If it’s raining/snowing/chilly my assumption is that no one would think twice about why someone has a scarf on.
Anonymous
Dressing appropriately for the weather isn’t appropriation. You’re not trying to steal from the culture to look cool, you’re trying to stay warm and dry. If anyone ever accused you of that they would be off base and over-reaching.
Signed, a non observant but culturally Muslim woman who grew up in a country where Islam is law.
Anonymous
Yes, you are overthinking it. Wearing your scarf like Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn is not going to be mistaken for being Muslim. It might look weird because it’s not the typical fashion any more, but I highly doubt your fashion version of wearing a head scarf is going to be the same as someone wearing a hijab.
Anon
I guess it’s not so much fashion as it is being practical. I only mentioned Grace and Audrey because of Kat’s post above. I would essentially take one of the pashminas that I keep in my office and throw the whole thing over my head covering all of my hair. Then I would take the two bottom pieces, cross them, and toss them over opposite shoulders to secure the whole thing.
nona
Fine, you are dressing weather appropriately then. You are doing the same thing as any number of women have done in any number of cultures for any number of years. Covering your hair/head is not something utterly unique to the Muslim religion. Catholic women used to have to do 50 years ago.
nona
*Catholic women had to cover their heads when in church.
Anonymous
Yes, and I say that as a hijabi. People wear headcoverings for all sorts of reasons, including weather. I really wouldn’t think twice about someone wearing a scarf and I wouldn’t ever assume anyone’s intention is to culturally appropriate because nowadays it really sucks to be openly Muslim so who would want to appropriate?
Anon
Thanks and I’m sorry things (including certain presidential candidates) really suck right now.
Anon anon
I have done this many times – I don’t like hats and am sometimes without my umbrella. One scarf was a black/white houndstooth pattern and OMG the dirty looks I got!!! I think some of my fellow subway riders thought I was muslim and were showing their disdain and dislike in their reactions to me. Very eye opening.
Anonymous
If anyone side eyes you, tell them it’s a babushka. Seriously, almost all cultures wear headscarves or head coverings.