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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 222 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Long-Sleeve 100% Silk Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Worthington® Long-Sleeve 100% Silk BlouseHappy Friday! For your consideration: JC Penney has a number of really affordable silk blouses. Inexpensive silk blouses have their pluses and minuses, but given the trend right now for slightly sheer, drapey blouses, I have a feeling these would be right on point. I like the white one (with a white cami beneath it, of course), but there are a number of fun colors. The blouse was $40 but is now marked to $24 on sale; it's available in misses, petites, and talls, sizes XS-XL. Worthington® Long-Sleeve 100% Silk Blouse Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Gem

    Threadjack. I’m replacing some underwear and wondered if any of you ladies had tried the Huit brand

    • Casey

      I have not tried them but am so glad you are raising this topic.

      Anyone have recommendations for comfortable cotton underwear, preferably in hipster briefs or some similar style. Minimal pantylines preferable but I am not a stickler. Really, I am just looking for something that is comfortable and stays put all day. I have a walking commute of several miles and there is nothing worse than underwear that bunches up. Bonus points if it is a little s*xy.

      • Anonymous

        I’m a big fan of the DKNY bikinis for this reason. Nordstrom has them in bikini and hipster.

        • Casey

          Just checked nordstroms for the DKNY bikinis. 27 five star reviews. These might be a winner. Thanks!

          • magpie

            +2!
            Costco (of all places) had a 4-pack for a while with discreet, pretty, super comfortable stretch lace trim. Wish I’d thought to stock up then, though they’re not overpriced to begin with.

      • NOLA

        My faves are the Jockey No Panty Line Promise modal hip briefs. Not s*xy but they look nice and I have a difficult time with finding underwear that works for me because I have extra skin on my belly from weight loss/fluctuations. So frustrating.

        • Lady Harriet

          Do these eliminate vpl on the top of the underwear? Between my flat behind and the cut of my clothes, generally my problem is more that all underwear gives me a muffin top unless it goes up to my natural waist (which is only 3 in or so below my bust, so this is generally impractical.)

          • NOLA

            They are not as low cut as other hip briefs, but not as high as briefs. I don’t get muffin top from them.

      • A

        I’m a huge fan of the gap bikini hipster style. They always go on sale and you don’t feel bad about chucking them when it gets time since you paid less than $5. I haven’t found similar/better quality at other places at that price point.

        I love wacoal ones, but they’re not cotton.

        Costco’s currentish line of CK ones are pretty great and mostly cotton.

        • Casey

          I used to love the gap cotton hipsters for years and years but they changed the cut about a year ago and the new style just does not work for me. It keeps bunching up. I am finally admitting defeat and moving on to a new style/brand.

          I’ll have to check out CK though. Thanks

        • TBK

          Yup, I like Gap underwear. I also love their uplift bra. Great fit, smooth, just enough padding to not show anything, and not terribly expensive.

      • Lily-Student

        In the UK, Marks & Spencers or Gilly Hicks. I especially like the Gilly Hicks ‘shorts’… though I don’t like the price or the company ethics, so I buy ones that are a similar shape from other shops.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I love the Target Gilligan & OMalley lace modal bikini. Also comes in hipster. Many more colors in store than online. Soft, sexy, stays put, minimal panty line. And I just looked this up on my work computer because I couldn’t remember the brand. Glad I have ad block on.

      • Wannabe Runner

        +1 for Target Gilligan & O’Malley.

        I also have a bunch of Gap in my drawer.

    • 2013

      You should definitely try it on. Sweatshirt blazers always look great in pictures and look terrible on me, so I think whether they look frumpy or cute/casual definitely depends on the individual.

    • New Girl

      With some tailoring to make it more fitted to you I think it would be very flattering. I love the lines on it

  3. anonforthis

    Please don’t judge but I bought this skirt from american eagle (I had a discount code, free shipping, etc. and I’d been looking for something similar for a while). Ideas on how to style it without looking like a 17 year old? I’m 27 if that helps, and I guess I’m a “figure 8″ shape, so I don’t think a blousy top with the skirt would flatter me (26″ waist, 35″ bust, 37” hips, unfortunately the peasant blouse style makes me look pregnant).

    link to follow

  4. Regular poster, anon for this

    So I’m in a weird situation. I rented an apartment off of Craiglist after moving to the area. My roommate and I get along fine, but he drinks a lot (think alcoholic levels) and I won’t be renewing the lease.

    A few weeks ago, our landlord sent out a notice asking us if we wanted to renew the lease (it expires in three months) and gave us a week to decide. I asked my roommate what he was doing, and he said he was still deciding in between getting a roommate to take my room, or moving out too. So when I ran into the landlord in the hall, I told him I definitely wasn’t renewing and that my roommate was still deciding and would let him know.

    Well I guess my roommate said he did want to renew, but the landlord said he wouldn’t renew the lease if my roommate didn’t have another qualified tenant for half the rent. So we got a notice from the landlord that the place would be shown by realtors starting last weekend.

    I was out of town when the place started to be shown, but I returned to several messages from my landlord. When I called back, he said that he had had complaints from many of the realtors that had been showing the place that when they came to do it, my roommate was drunk, belligerent and bad mouthing the landlord to all prospective tenants (saying he’s unresponsive, doesn’t fix things, etc — not true). He also apparently told one realtor he wasn’t going to pay his rent this month because of the inconvenience of the showings.

    I told my landlord that (as he knows) I didn’t know my roommate before moving in, and it’s been a really hard year for me living with a virtually nonfunctional alcoholic. My landlord told me he appreciates that I’m a good tenant (I am – I’m clean, I pay rent on time every month, I don’t cause really any problems) but that my roommate is a really bad tenant (true). He said he needs to investigate legal action and he wanted to give me a heads up since “I don’t want to hurt you, but both of your names are on the lease so I’m not sure what my options are.”

    I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to inflame the situation (or worse, put myself in a dangerous situation) by confronting my roommate. At the same time, I *definitely* don’t want any legal action taken against me. I’ve reviewed my lease, and aside from not keeping the apartment in habitable condition (which it is) and not paying rent on time, he can’t evict us if my roommates just generally a jerk. I really don’t want an eviction on my record, but I’m not sure at all what to do. I thought about telling realtors who call to show the place that they should only show it when I’m home (since I don’t think my roommate will behave this way when I’m home, since he’s basically lying to prospective tenants). But I can’t be home all the time. I’m hoping if the place rents quickly, the landlord will just let us finish out our time on the lease in peace, you know?

    Advice? I’m so stressed out about about this.

    • Bonnie

      Even though you don’t want to discuss this with your roomate, you should bring it up. If he gets belligerent, end the conversation but document what has been happening. Can you email your roomate so you have documentation?

      • Regular poster, anon for this

        I could email him but I sometimes wonder if email can be a more passive aggressive conversation. Maybe I should just let him know that the landlord heard from one of the realtors that he wasn’t planning on paying the rent, and reminding him that we’re both on the lease, so we’re both at risk, so please make sure he pays the rent on time for the rest of our lease?

        • Bonnie

          It is passive aggressive but you need to document what is going on. If you end up having problems with the lease and there is legal action, you’re going to have to show a judge what was happening so the roommate is the one who has to deal with the consequences.

        • Meg Murry

          I wouldn’t even acknowledge the threat of not paying rent – just say “Hey, tomorrow’s the first, want me to drop off your rent check for you?” or something like that (preferably first thing in the morning or a time when you have a chance of catching him sober-ish). There’s a good chance he was just being drunk and belligerent and may not even remember telling someone he wasn’t going to pay.

          Also, as a landlord – suing someone or taking them to court is really expensive and a pain in the neck. I suspect your landlord was just reminding you that both names were on the lease so that you’ll put pressure on your roommate to pay up and not destroy the place before you move out. Keep your cancelled checks from paying your rent and be prepared to not get your deposit back, but I doubt the landlord will sue/go through formal eviction – its a really difficult process, and most laws are on the tenants side, not landlord. I do agree with the advice below to write a letter to your landlord that you will be leaving at the end of lease so if your roommate doesn’t move out (and if there is a “month to month” clause at lease end) or causes trouble its not on you past that point.

      • Ellen

        Yay!! FRUEGEL FRIDAY’s! I love FRUEGEL Friday’s!!!

        As for the OP, FOOEY!!!!!! FOOEY!!!!!this is why I NEVER let Alan move in. Imagine shareing an apartement with a Drunk? I did his laundry and he still vomietted all over.

        You should NEVER have a man room mate either, even if you are NOT sleepeing together b/c peeople think you are and you will NEVER get a boyfreind if a guy think’s you and youre room mate are haveing sex together. DOUBEL FOOEY!

        Grandma Leyeh would disown me for this, and if you have a GRANDMA Leyeh, I think she would also. FOOEY!

        What benefit can having a drunk male room mate POSSIBELEY have, I ask?
        Once you get eviceted with him, you could wind up homeless, all b/c you choose to live with a drunken male? I say TRIPEL FOOEY! FOOEY! FOOEY! FOOEY! on MEN who drink and want to live with us. FOOEY!

    • Eleanor

      Based on what you’ve said (while noting that I haven’t read your lease and don’t know what state you’re in), it doesn’t really sound like you *need* to do anything. The landlord can’t evict you and your roommate just because the roommate is a jerk, as you said. It would be kind of you, and might help avert further problems, if you tell realtors to show the place only when you’re there, or you could suggest to your landlord that he tell the realtors that. But really, your roommate’s behavior is your landlord’s problem to solve, and it doesn’t sound like you have an obligation to solve it for him (neither a legal obligation nor a moral obligation, I think).

      I also doubt that your lease allows him to force you to decide whether to renew three months in advance, but that sounds irrelevant at this point, since you want to leave anyway. In any case, this sounds like a painful situation; I hope you can finish the lease with a minimum of inconvenience.

      • Regular poster, anon for this

        Thanks! I don’t know about the legality of asking us so far in advance, but I guess since our contract with him is only a year, he can just automatically terminate it if he wants.

        I just don’t want to be in a situation where I’m facing legal repercussions when the fact is I can’t control my adult male roommate’s behavior (and to be honest, I’m a little nervous about trying. There have been a lot of things this year I would have confronted prior roommates about that I haven’t confronted my current roommate about, because I am just plain nervous about being in a confrontation with a large, drunk man — and he is rarely sober. It’ s been a “grin and bear it” kind of year for me). He will do whatever he does no matter what I say, you know? So I’m frustrated because I don’t want to put myself at legal risk but I also want to make sure I have a safe/secure place to live until the end of my lease.

        • Houston Attny

          I’d write a letter to the landlord confirming what you told him in the hallway. As I mentioned to you on ___, I am terminating my lease effective __, and you can forward my deposit to __. Keep a copy and give your landlord a copy. I think you’ve covered your bases.

      • Bonnie

        Actually many leases have a clause that says that the landlord can show the place to others and that interfering with his right to do so puts you on the hook for time that the place cannot be rented.

    • A

      Not a landlord/tenant lawyer, but I believe leases are such that if you both signed it, even if everything IS your roommate’s fault, I believe the landlord * can * collect the rent from either of you. Unless you have a lease that states that you are responsible for only 1/2 the rent, it’s usually understood that X&Y are responsible for rent TOGETHER.

      Worst case scenario – if your roommate stops paying, YOU can be on the hook.

      Documenting how bad your roommate is may be a good idea if you have to take action against him, but taking any sort of action, unless you are an attorney willing to go pro-se, will cost more than taking all the steps you can to ensure that the next 2 months at the very least are paid up and the roommate will leave (assuming that if roommate really goes berserk, there is the security to cover last month’s rent).

      Once the lease is up and you move, if the roommate doesn’t move and the landlord has to evict him, at least then I think since you are not overstaying the lease, you’re off the hook, but until then, perhaps find ways to manage the drunk roommate to your best advantage (getting the rent paid, being home for the showings?).

      The situation is sucky, but it sounds like he isn’t absolutely crazy so here’s to hoping the next two-three months go ok!

      • Regular poster, anon for this

        Yeah, I guess the worst case scenario is that I am on the hook for his half of the rent for the next three months (which would be awful but it’s just money) — I’m more worried about being sued or evicted and facing fines or penalties. Ugh. I will reiterate to my roommate how we are both on the lease so it’s really important he pay his half.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Yeah, I guess the worst case scenario is that I am on the hook for his half of the rent for the next three months (which would be awful but it’s just money) — I’m more worried about being sued or evicted and facing fines or penalties. Ugh. I will reiterate to my roommate how we are both on the lease so it’s really important he pay his half.

      • Regular poster, anon for this

        I don’t think so. I am pretty sure what prompted my landlord’s call to me was my roommate’s threat not to pay the rent (and he said “we’ll see what happens May 1 [ie, when rent is due]” so I think that’s his main concern) so I doubt he’ll allow me to get out and leave himself stuck with a bad tenant. Believe me, I *wish* I could get out of there. Lesson learned – don’t rent a random apartment online. The apartment might be nice, the roommate is likely crazy.

        • Sydney Bristow

          That sucks and makes me even more grateful for the awesome roommate I lived with for 2.5 years who I found online across the country and didn’t get to meet until I moved in.

        • capnkate

          Since you want to move out anyway, and you’re worried about getting an eviction, one option might just be to move out. You can’t be evicted from somewhere you don’t live. Your landlord could still come after you in small claims court for back rent if your roommate doesn’t pay his half, but you won’t have an eviction on your record, so you won’t have to worry about that interfering with your ability to find an apartment later on. And, you won’t have to deal with crazy drunk roommate any more. Just an idea.

        • Silvercurls

          Regular/Anon…Since nobody else has raised this question I’ll ask it: Are you sure you’ll be totally safe living another three months with this character? If not, can you find another living arrangement or at least put some other local friends or acquaintances on alert so that if things suddenly go bad at home you have someone you can ask to come over Right. Now. and/or someplace you can crash for a couple of days? I would also start identifying emergency funds in case you decide that you must. move. out.

          I might also make a mental note of any valuable possessions that you don’t want trashed (for financial, sentimental, or logistical reasons) and relocate them offsite (e.g. safe deposit box for documents or jewelry; ditto or your office, if secure, for computer backup). I’m NOT insinuating that your roommate is a thief or a vandal as well as a drunk, but frankly, if he’s threatening to trash the apartment to spite the landlord, he might decide that he’s angry with you also. Being drunk virtually 24/7 can’t improve his thinking skills.

          Enough interference from me, but please check back periodically to tell us you’re OK. And if I sound like an overbearing parent, well, I am a parent…trying not to be overbearing but also not afraid to speak up when my “spidey sense” starts tingling. Hugs (not Smothers!).

    • Ellen

      Yay!! FRUEGEL FRIDAY’s! I love FRUEGEL Friday’s!!! And I love these SILK SHIRT’S! GREAT FIND, KAT!!!!! YAY!!!!!

      As for the OP, FOOEY!!!!!! FOOEY!!!!!this is why I NEVER let Alan move in. Imagine shareing an apartement with a Drunk? I did his laundry and he still vomietted all over.

      You should NEVER have a man room mate either, even if you are NOT sleepeing together b/c peeople think you are and you will NEVER get a boyfreind if a guy think’s you and youre room mate are haveing sex together. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Grandma Leyeh would disown me for this, and if you have a GRANDMA Leyeh, I think she would also. FOOEY!

      What benefit can having a drunk male room mate POSSIBELEY have, I ask?
      Once you get eviceted with him, you could wind up homeless, all b/c you choose to live with a drunken male? I say TRIPEL FOOEY! FOOEY! FOOEY! FOOEY! on MEN who drink and want to live with us. FOOEY!

    • Wannabe Runner

      Evictions take months. Even if he tried to evict you now, the court process would probably take the entire rest of your lease anyway.

      Offer to give your landlord’s realtor your cell number. They don’t want to show a crappy place either.

      Screen future roommates better. Ask for references. You learn something from every crappy roommate.

    • Anonymous

      I think it is within your right to finish out your lease without it being shown at all. Does your lease adress? The issue? Maybe check the landlord/tenant laws in your area. I have never had a landlord show any place of mine while I was still occupying it — and a three-month span seems incredibly burdensome!

  5. On the topic of sheer blouses--

    I ordered this for work and it arrived last night. It fits, it’s cute with a pencil skirt, but it is MUCH more sheer than I expected (I don’t know why I expected it to be opaque!). As in, the white camisole I would wear underneath is easily seen. With the neckline, is it too much for a government agency (business casual) office?

    http://www.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-Blouse-With-Drop-Collar/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=2660713&SearchQuery=blouse%20women&Rf-200=5,20&Rf-400=53&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=20&sort=3&clr=Cream

    • Casey

      I would totally wear that to my govt office. Maybe not for my most formal meeting days but definitely otherwise.

      I think you could wear this under a suit for a more formal but not stuffy look too – ie. meeting colleagues from another agency that are also young and you are friendly with but since the meeting is not completely internal, still warrants a jacket.

    • Seventh Sister

      I’d wear it to my govt. office, too, but I might wear or bring a jacket in case I had to do something unexpectedly serious.

  6. regular anon

    so, this is interesting: DH is a first year associate and has been working really long hours. his practice group sent me a card and gift certificate for a massage. they thanked me for hanging in there thru his long hours. kind of amazing! so, how do i thank them? send an email? mail a thank you card?

    • Famouscait

      This is amazing. What an excellent way to add positivity to the work/life balance!!!

    • Karen

      I think this is really well-intentioned gesture, but I find it kind of creepy! Condescending, actually. I mean, you could be working just as hard & long as your husband, or otherwise out there living a fulfilling life, but the assumption seems to be that your life revolves around him. I think “thanking” you—for what? “letting” your husband do his job, for which I assume he’s well compensated?— was a weird move.

      • Avodah

        I agree. Not be a negative Nancy re a kind gesture, but it is really condescending. “Well, little lady, we’re so glad you let the big man work so hard to provide for you.” FWIW- my partner works at a very large, prestigious law firm in a major US city, and he has NEVER mentioned anything like this. Ever.

        Nonetheless, have your husband convey your thanks.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I think it is nice. Long hours at work equal time away from the family. My boss has asked me to share his apologies with my husband when he has had to bother me on vacation and I have asked him to share my apologies with his wife when I have had to bother him on vacation.

        Even if OP worked similar hours, if DH normally worked less hours, than he presumably would be picking up some slack at home, taking care of pets or something. When my DH travels for work, I end up having to scale back or hire a dog sitter. It is just the reality of life.

        It sounds like crazy hours aren’t the norm and they are recognizing the sacrifice.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Also, this is presuming female lawyers at his firm had similar cards sent to their husbands.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            Of course, the one time I try to edit my comment it takes it on the first try. Grrr. I wanted to say presuming female lawyers also had cards sent to their significant others. Sorry for presuming sexual preferences.

        • V

          My firm used to do this, but only seemed to recognize sacrifices to marital time. I was single then and just expected to work, work, work.

          • MaggieLizer

            This is kind of my take too. It’s nice to recognize the sacrifices that an SO makes for an employee’s career – and it’s undoubtedly a sacrifice regardless of the type of career that that SO has – but I’d feel shortchanged as a single person. I don’t have anyone to fall back on to tidy the house, or do the laundry, or go grocery shopping, or cut the grass, or make sure the bills get paid, or otherwise share household duties. It’s all on me. I understand that I also don’t have someone (other than my kitty) mad at me because I’m coming home late for the umpteenth time in a row and have no energy to do the dishes, but that doesn’t mean overall my life is so much easier because I’m single. I think a nicer gesture would be, say, to give all the associates a GC for an hour of housecleaning or healthy take out or something that the associate and her SO, if applicable, could enjoy.

  7. DVF dress that perpetually vexes me (but I can't quit you)

    I have one of the DVF wrap dresses that was featured here back in 2010/2011 or so. I was a bit post-partum then and still nursing. I ordered a 10 (had to mail-order where I live; 8 might have been sold out).

    Now: I have a non-wrap DVF dress in an 8 that fits OK. Maybe I stretched out the wraping parts of the wrap dress, but there seems to be too much fabric up top (so a cami / slip helps with modesty, but not with the too-much fabric aspect, which isn’t helped (and is possibly aggravated) by trying to tie the whole thing tighter)).

    Today’s thought: just sewing the wrap top so I have to put in on over my head. I have to commit to a size / shape in my non-wrap clothes. My alterations guy (who I otherwise love) wouldn’t touch it when I asked for darts / other less-drastic fixes, but I might get him to do this (or my mom, when she visits).

    It is a huge sunk cost already, but it was lovely when I first got it. I am not ready to give up yet and want to summon my inner Tim Gunn to make it work.

  8. AN

    Calling wavy haired ladies….

    How do you ladies with wavy hair style your hair? I wish mine was either straight or super curly but it is wavy and shoulder length and I really struggle with it. I also have layers from growing out a pixie ( took me 1.5 yrs to grow it out) and it simply looks crazy. I use Ouidad co wash, conditioner and a curl cream before diffusing. Maybe I am doing something wrong?

    • Famouscait

      What products do you wavy-haired ladies use?

      If I let my hair air dry and scrunch it, I can get a decent wave going. But, my current product leaves it very crispy. I’d love some recommendations!

      • bgo

        I use a product called “Wool Shake” by Redken. Love it. It helps keep my curls non-frizzy and wacy all day – but does leave the “crispy” effect. I apply it while my hair is wet and scrunch it and then as a touch up later in the day it can go on dry as well. It is great! One caveat – the spray has a “red” color and will stain red towels so be careful where you spray it. (No color issues on my colored hair though)

      • Jo March

        Moroccan Oil Curl Cream. It is amazing. (Though if your hair is fine, it may be too heavy. It is *perfect* for my very thick, coarse, Jewish-girl-hair-waves.)

    • LilyB

      I wash my hair every other day (too time consuming to do it every day). Normally I use this: http://www.amazon.com/John-Frieda-JFHA5-Brush-inch/dp/B0056GDG90 to get it pretty smooth (though not “straight,” it still looks wavy but definitely more put together than air drying it). then if I’m going out at night I’ll either straighten it with a flat iron, or curl it with a curling iron, or actually both if i want the straight look with some curls at the bottom.

      i rarely air dry and go but the days i do, i always regret it because i feel so un-put together :(

    • Mpls

      I skip the curl cream. Even the light stuff weighs my wave down enough that I think it hurts more than helps. This winter I had some luck with using hair oil to help keep it hydrated and non-staticy and using the oil on sopping wet hair and letting it air dry kind of worked.

      I’ve also had it suggest to use a salt spray (beach hair product) to help give waves structure (and then let air dry, or diffuse) rather than a cream. I’ve had some success with that – but it made my hair pretty big as well (I’ve got a ton of it, so sometimes you have to embrace it rather than fight it.)

      What do you mean by “crazy”? Do the waves not wave with each other, and different sections of hair want to curl differently? Are you still getting frizzies, even with all the product? If it’s the last – I’m pretty sure that short using hot rollers or having a stylist in your bathroom, you can can’t have smooth and wavy hair at the same time.

      • AN

        I mean that each hair waves differently…if that makes sense….like each strand has a mind of its own! And it is frizzy but not too bad.

        • Mpls

          Mine can get like that – some sections will have perfect ringlets, and some just have half hearted wave. And if I comb thru my hair after getting out of the shower and then let it air dry – every.single.hair will curl off on its own, instead of curling in concert with the hair next to it (if that makes sense).

          If that’s what’s happening, I would suggest doing a srunching drying with your towel just to get the sopping wet out of your hair, apply whatever product while the hair is still really wet and in a scrunch motion (rather than combing your fingers through your hair), and then let it air dry. And Do.Not.Touch. You might be able to diffuse it some with a hair dryer. The scrunching/wet thing helps the hair dry in the same wavy direction (in theory). If that makes any sort of sense.

          • January

            I have better results when I put my wet hair into a bun after using product. It helps my waves form in the right direction, so to speak.

    • long time lurker

      I blow dry the shorter layers in the front (long bangs) and air dry the rest. My long bangs are a mess of cowlicks and never dry right. While the rest of my past shoulder length hair, dries I do little twists to give the waves definition. Sort of loose ringlets. I don’t really use any product other than a little biosilk when it is wet.

    • Mountain Girl

      I have wavy hair and I’m experimenting with just applying Paul Mitchell Super Skinny when wet (it also helps to comb out tangles from washing) and just blow drying on the front section around my face and my bangs. I use a round brush to blow and only wash it every other (sometimes every third day). My hair is in a slightly longer than chin length bob. I have tried to embrace the curly part of the waves over the years but I’m thinking that left in its natural state it tends to work better if I comb it through to make it straight rather than scrunch it to make it curly.

    • Anon in NYC

      I’m pretty low maintenance, and have a mix of (loose) curly/wavy hair. I use Kerastase products. I first put the Ultime Elixir (basically an oil, so I imagine a similar product would work) on damp hair, focusing specifically on my ends. Then I gently rake through heat protectant, and then the Oleo curl cream. I use a diffuser, flip my head upside down, and start drying my hair starting from the back, close to my skull. After that’s nearly dry, I move around towards the front of my head and continue on. Eventually I stand upright and try to smooth everything out (low speed, focusing the hair drying down). I usually also spritz a shine spray into my hand and then smooth out the obvious flyaways. The end result is loose curls/waves with a good amount of volume.

    • Samantha

      I’ve realized that “texturizing” or a good haircut where excess volume is thinned out, is the only thing that prevents crazy hair. If my hair is at a manageable volume, it looks bouncy yet somewhat pliable and docile.
      Other than that, frizz-ease.

    • Anonymous

      Omg girlfriend, I am right there with you. The frizz, the pouf, the untamed wildness. Nothing I can do but mitigate with the periodic blowouts, or otherwise as cb said embrace the crazy.

    • Lobbyist

      I have shoulder length wavy/curly hair. It looked awful most of my life until I found my current hairdresser. I found her by asking other women who had good-looking curly hair who cut their hair, and 3 of the 5 I asked used the same person. She herself has curly hair. And now that my hair is cut properly (and I go back every six weeks, gulp, yes it’s pricey, because she colors too), it no longer looks awful! And I just use leave-in conditioner, and it almost doesn’t even matter which one I use. I air dry it, or unroll the windows on the way to work. If I must blow-dry, I use a diffuser.
      So perhaps you need a better hair cutter. Stay away from the ones who want you to straighten it, because a cut that looks good straight is different from a cut that looks good natural.

      • Hel-lo

        Definitely a good stylist is key. I have long layers of fine, wavy hair.

        I use Herbal Essences Totally Twisted shampoo (purple bottle). I alternate between conditioners: Herbal Essences None Of Your Frizziness (red bottle), Herbal Esssences Body Envy (yellow bottle) and Dove Nourishing Oil Conditioner. I’m finding that as the weather warms up, the Dove is getting a little too heavy.

        I flip my head over and blow dry the hair closest to my neck with a straight brush, flat against my head. When it’s close to dry, I flip my head up and blow dry my long bangs with a skinny round brush. I want them to be mostly straight, but some swoop is ok. I use a few spritzes of Herbal Essences Tousle Me Softly hairspray, which is really light. I let the rest air dry.

        Frizz is caused by moisture on hair covered by dry hair. The moisture needs somewhere to go, so it frizzes out the top hair. So I just dry the bottom layers, and let the top get wavy on its own. (This is why your hair gets frizzy if you’re sweating – the moisture heats up the bottom layers.)

        Part of the beauty of wavy hair is that it goes in all different directions.

  9. goldilocks

    TJ: I have pretty bad plantar fasciitis – and am sick of wearing sneakers to commute back and forth to work. Not a cute look with suits and dresses. I’m looking for a cuter option – either black mary jane sneakers (with a strap for support) or black oxfords (with a cushiony sole) that can accomodate a PF insole. My internet searches haven’t been successful. Any suggestions?

    • NOLA

      What about the Dansko mary jane sneakers? When I had PF, I wore Bass suede bucs with the inserts.

    • Anonymous

      I really like the puma ballet flat options (zandy is my fav) or their maryjanes

      • Jenna Rink

        I have a pair of the Puma Zandy, and I like them, but they gave me terrible blisters on my heels when I got them. That suede part in the back is just brutal.

    • Lady Harriet

      They wouldn’t accomodate an orthotic, but both Orthaheel and Earthies have fantastic support and I often see very positive reviews online from people with PF. Orthaheel mostly does sandals, but they have a few flats as well. I’ve tried on their sandals, but I don’t own any. They seemed a little hard for my feet (no PF, just very high arches and some heel pain) and kind of narrow, but my feet are so wide that anyone with medium feet should be fine.

      Earthies does more heels, but they have a few flats as well. I own a pair of their pumps, which are fantastic. The arch support is much better than anything I’ve ever found in a dress shoe, and there’s a lot of cushioning.

      I have a pair of Dansko sandals, and I don’t like them as much (not enough padding or arch support for me.) However, ymmv, many people I know swear by Dansko, so I may just be an oddball.

      The Barking Dog Shoes blog is a great reference for comfortable footwear. You can probably search for PF and come up with some more good suggestions there.

    • s in Chicago

      Try orthaheel brand. The sandals fit me a lot better than the closed-toe versions, but they have amazing arch support. Also would recommend wearing heels whenever you can. I chalk a pretty bad bout with PF to too many walks in flats without enough support.

      Don’t know if you’ve seen someone yet, but I would totally recommend seeing a podiatrist. Mine gave me lots of exercises and some orthotics that made a world of difference. I also let it go so long that a nerve got entrapped on one side and they had to surgically intervene. The recovery wasn’t easy or immediate. But these days, PF isn’t even an issue for me anymore. (Literally walk around in bare feet at the house all the time without any pain the next morning.) If I could go back in time, I would have seen someone much sooner. I suspect it would have save me a lot of pain.

      • Hel-lo

        Most Merrells have removable insoles. I have like 3 pairs, and they all accommodate my orthotics fine.

    • Meg Murry

      Clarks often has a maryjane style sneaker, and they come in widths, but you probably want to go to a store to try them on, because some of them walk the fine line between cute and grandma shoe and its not always obvious online.

    • Marie M

      I had plantar fasciitis really bad several years ago. On my sister-in-law’s recommendation, I bought Birkenstock sandals and clogs and wore them all the time–in the house, out of the house, immediately upon getting out of bed–all. the. time. I think they cured me. I wear normal, comfortable shoes to work now and only use my orthotics when I wear my sneakers.

  10. Anon for this

    Ok ladies, I have been struggling with VPL for the longest time, especially when I wear ponte. Any recommendation for undies that are comfy but don’t show VPL? Bonus points if they are cotton.

    I should add that I have tried thongs a long long time ago and just couldn’t get used to them.

    Thanks.

    • Anon for this

      And I forgot to add, after two kids, I do have a tiny tummy ….no washboard flat belly here.

      • Lynnet

        This isn’t necessarily true. I can size up so far that I’m swimming in my pants and they won’t stay up and still have VPL because of the shape of my backside. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of recommendations, except for wearing skirts and dresses with hose.

    • Hollis

      No sure where you live, but this is why I prefer to wear lined pants and lined skirts – the lining masks the VPL pretty well. The other thing that smooths me out is control top hose. Also, after 3 kids, I am more accepting of body/clothes imperfections and if VPL is my biggest problem of the day, I feel blessed. Better than not wearing any underwear!

    • Hel-lo

      Target’s Gilligan & O’Malley (mentioned above).

      Spanxx also work well for this. Get one size bigger than the size chart recommends.

  11. Cornellian

    This is a strange question to pose on [this site], but I’ve seen so much great advice here I thought I might give it a shot. It’s a dog behavior/resource question.

    I have a ranch-bred airedale terrier from working lines. His parents are used to keep cattle and sheep safe from predators, mostly coyotes, sometimes wolves and feral dogs. They’re not herding animals, they’re protectors who have to be pretty willing to fight. Airedales as a breed are also used in hunting and police work, and his lines apparently include a lot of wild boar dogs, which are notoriously very prey-oriented. My dog was sold as a puppy after failing the tests for “gameness” (willingness/desire to fight, kill, etc.), but still is very game. When feral cats hopped the fence in to my yard in Texas, he snapped their necks and killed them instantly. He also has killed street rats here in NYC and lizards in Texas. He once got under my neighbors jeep when my neighbor left the gate open, and literally removed pieces of the man’s car with his teeth, because the man had three weeks ago hit and killed a wild boar with his car. He is jekyll and hyde when there’s something he considers prey within a quarter mile of him.

    He’s a total sweetheart with other dogs and humans, even when faced with aggression. He actually was labeled “non-reactive” towards aggressive dogs (which is quite rare) and we volunteered with rescue groups bringing in potentially aggressive new dogs and needing to test them with a new animal. My dog is large and sturdy (thus relatively hard to hurt), and instead of ever lifting his lips, growling, or biting back when he’s attacked, simply walks away or lays calmly on top of the dog in response. My neighbor’s unattended two year old once grabbed on to his ears and lifted her feet off the ground, and he simply put her on the ground and licked her face. You can take raw meat from his mouth, and he has no food guarding problems. I have no reason to believe he would ever be a threat to a human or dog. But pretty much every other species he has a death wish for.

    He nearly dislocates my shoulder every time we’re within a quarter mile of a street rat or cat, which is pretty often in NYC. I worked briefly with a trainer in Texas focusing on this problem, but didn’t see much in the way of results. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any resources or insight or maybe trainer recommendations in New York? Perhaps it’s just too bred in to him, given that his family has been doing it for so long and he’s a terrier to boot. In that case, does anyone have any collar/harness recommendations? He has twice snapped through a “gentle leader” when there was a cat in his path, and is quite strong, so I’m a bit lost.

    • Cornellian

      Also, in the interest of avoiding potential trolling… yes, I adopted him. I got him at 9 mos after the family that purchased him (for nearly 4,000 dollars!!!) gave him up.

      It might also be worth noting that he lived in a kennel setting at a for-profit kennel from 5-9 mos and perhaps missed potential socialization time with other animals.

    • Anonymous

      While I don’t think there is any way to out train the “prey” instinct out of dogs, I would definitely look into hiring a behaviorist, not just a trainer, to evaluate how best to handle your dog’s behavior. I know there are some that are veterinary professionals and others that just have degrees in animal behavior.

      • Dog Mama

        See a behaviorist. I have a dog with different problems of a similar origin…we sought the behaviorist because he started treating bicyclists and runners like prey (not snapping necks- but lunging after). Our 100% human friendly dog (who gets poked in the nose by our neighbor’s kids weekly…) just jumped up out of nowhere and bit a passing runner. We thought we’d have to put him down or at least rehome him, since we cannot have a human-aggressive dog in our house. But we met with the behaviorist, who gave us a lot of good information and tested him IMHO very thourghly. Turns out he has become more reactive to prey (has killed rabbits, a wild turkey, several mice and snakes in the yard…) and has some learning to do about fast moving people vs. animals . We have been working to clicker-train him, now use a gentle leader (which he doesn’t like, but he LOVES walks and therefore complies), and he’s made pretty vast improvements. The behaviorist cost ~400 for a 3 hour consult and 3 months of phone/email follow up. Our vet recommended her, and she traveled to us.

        I have known many terriers that function as “ratters” (ie their job is to catch/kill rats)…can you potentially work with your dog to train him to get the rats on command? So with time, he’ll look to you for the command before killing the rats. Not sure if your dog is easy to train and/or food motivated (mine is both) but may be worth considering.

        • Dog Mama

          ETA:
          WHILE I WAS POSING THIS, my dog was outside and was “too quiet.” Just checked, and he fount a rat nest and had himself a big of a murder spree/luncheon. AND he guarded the one I did find, which is something we’re actively working on with him. I am so disgusted. And frustrated that he’s STILL guarding stuff like this.

          • Cornellian

            Oh no!!!!! My dog willingly gives me the animals he murdered… so I guess I’m lucky. He has no interest in chasing or eating or guarding. Just killing.

    • A Nonny Moose

      Have you tried clicker training him? I’d definitely read the book When Pigs Fly by Jane Killion (link to follow). It’s about how to train dogs that are not genetically preprogrammed to work with humans– certain hounds, terriers, and I’m guessing Airedales are engineered to work independently and are very good at tuning out humans when they see something they’re wired to do (destroy small animals, for example). As I read the book, I kept thinking “wow this is my dog she is talking about!” I am still working through the suggestions but it has fantastic reviews.

    • TBK

      My labradoodle is airedale-sized (he’s sometimes mistaken for one) and we use the kind of walking harness that goes over his chest then under each “armpit.” He was going full-bore after a cat he saw on a walk yesterday (ugh, seriously want to train him out of that) and the harness held up fine. It’s like this one http://www.amazon.com/Sporn-Nylon-Pulling-Harness-Medium/dp/B003SLIENI/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1368805398&sr=8-3&keywords=dog+harness.

      Not sure if that helps. Obviously labradoodles and airedales were bred for very different purposes and have different temperaments (despite his eagerness to get near the cat, I’m not sure if his intention was to kill it and he’s never killed anything other than bugs).

      • Dog Mama

        We’ve used the chest harness (“easy walk” is the brand), and our dog loves it. Downside is that it doesn’t have the ability to control their face/mouth, so if the dog lunges at an animal, it could still reach. We switched from the harness to the gentle leader with great success…but our dog LOVES both food and walks, so we’ve programmed him to get over the gentle leader, which he hated.

        Our dog is about 70 lbs and ALL CHEST, so when he pulls, you’re going. The chest harness decreased that by about 70% (though if he pulled while I was mid-step I still went flying), and I’d say we’re at 80-85% with the GL.

        • TBK

          I wish would could use the chest harness. Our labradoodle has a very narrow poodle body and the harness is just made for a broader-chested dog.

          • Dog Mama

            They make a size M/L (and a L/XL), if your dog is too big for a medium and too small for a large. Available online only. That’s what we had to get to fit our weird shaped dog. He’s not that BROAD in the chest, just like, 80% of his torso is chest.

        • Cornellian

          Interesting. the GL does correctly control his head, he’s just too strong, so he applies force to resist the GL and it literally tears in half from the force. My dog’s a super lean, very tall 95 lb ball of muscle.

          He is wide across the chest, so I might try a chest harness, I suppose.

          • Dog Mama

            Have you tried all the different gentle-leader type brands? Our trainer told us if the Gentle Leader didn’t work out, to try a Haltie brand, as they go on differently. We didn’t need it, but you may want to look into it.

      • MJ

        Holla–fellow labradoodle owner here! Greatest breed ever for asthmatic allergics, like me!

    • Hmm

      This won’t help with the underlying desire to destroy other animals, but a harness might make your life easier.

      I have a very enthusiastic/energetic 70 pound dog who can’t contain her excitement when she sees someone or something she’d like to play with. We use a harness like this one: http://www.amazon.com/Premier-Harness-Large-Black-Silver/dp/B0009ZBKG4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1368805921&sr=8-2&keywords=dog+harness. The benefit of this one is that the lead attaches to her chest, so when she pulls, it leverages her body weight against her and turns her back toward me. My dog learned pretty quickly that she wasn’t getting anywhere when she pulled like that.

    • Bewitched

      If you are in NY, I would check out Cornell University vet school’s web site. We used to have a dog with dog aggression problems, and I recall that they do a very comprehensive evaluation of the dog and make recommendations. I think they have seen everything. Obviously, you have to get to Ithaca.

    • Anon

      I will probably get an earful about this, but an electric collar, used correctly, is an effective tool to stop this kind of behavior. I have a hunting dog who used to chase anything that moves (and yes, would practically tear my arm off if she was on-leash at the time). I only had to “nick’ her on two or three occasions with the e-collar when she started to bolt, and it’s not a problem anymore. I dote on my dog and she is about as spoiled as an animal can get, but I felt that a small amount of training with the e-collar was more humane than running the risk of her getting hit by a car while chasing wild animals.

      • mascot

        Properly used, remote e-collars are good tools. NewTrix makes a good head harness. We have medium sized dogs and find that a prong collar works well to stop the pulling. I co-sign with everyone else who recommended continuining work with a behaviorist.

    • Peppermint Patty

      I have an airedale, and boy, are they willful! Even at almost-six y.o., my airedale is a puller. I complained to my vet when she was a puppy and she would nearly pull me over, and a prong collar was what was recommended. We still have to use a prong collar, even after all this time. That seems to do the trick for her, and she doesn’t pull when it’s on. I think it’s just the sensation of having it on that she knows not to even try to pull. Also, I have a friend who has had a ton of airedales and she swears by the e-collars. Another friend worked with a behaviorist for her non-airedale and saw amazing results, so that might be the solution if a collar switch doesn’t help.

      Good luck! I think it’s awesome that you adopted him. :)

      • Cornellian

        Hmm. That the potential alternative to an e-collar is the death of someone’s pet/my dog dragging us in front of a bus is a good argument to consider an e-collar… airedales are infamously resistant to negative training, though. Thanks for your input and enjoy your airedale! They have so much personality.

    • Another dog owner

      We also use the easy walk harness, and it has made a big difference in my ability to control our 70 pound pup. I thought it would make it easier for him to pull me, but quite the opposite. My parents swear by the Monks of New Skete books for training their dogs. We also have started being really active with our dog, and he is just too tired to go crazy (he’s a hunting breed and usually chases every bird, squirrel, rabbit, etc. that he sees). We take him to the dog park and let him run around like mad and interact with other dogs, we do agility training with him, and we also bring him to a daycare on some work days so that he’s out of his crate all day. All this extra stimulation has not changed his inherent “birdiness” or “gameness” as you called it. But it’s at least an outlet for him physically, emotionally and psychologically, and that does seem to make him more calm and less inclined to go after animals / prey.

  12. Anonymous

    What nutritional supplements do you take, and why? I take Vitamin D and Omegas only.

    Also, any suggestions for a good protein powder?

      • NOLA

        Similarly, I have lost hair from stress (it’s all grown back, but I have thin hair to begin with). I take Vitamin E, Zinc, and Flax Oil for my hair. I figure the zinc also helps me not get colds (I really get sick about once a year). I also just started taking niacin because high cholesterol runs in my family. I’ve never taken a multi-vitamin. And I eat dairy and lift weights so I’ve never consistently taken calcium, but I probably should, given my age.

    • Kanye East

      GURL. Do not skip your calcium. One of my senior colleagues looks like a question mark from the side, and whenever I see him, it’s a good reminder to take my pill.

      I also take a multi and a D megadose (apparently I’m deficient, whatever) every day.

      Personally, I think most of us get enough protein in our diets already, and most powder supplements have too many added sweeteners and carbs that outweigh the nutritional value. That said, I think Vega is pretty decent and it’s plant-based, if that’s a consideration.

        • Kanye East

          Everything but everything is controversial, and I generally trust the NYTimes well blog as far as I can throw my firm’s servers. Anyway, some of us can’t digest dairy.

          • Equity's Darling

            I was just providing an opposing view for the original question :) I also don’t do dairy, but my family history means I’m much more concerned about my heart than about my bones, since one has never been a problem, and the other has been, so…no calcium supplements for me, I do leafy-greens, soy, vitamin D and lots of weight-bearing exercises and I’m just keeping my fingers crosed.

            I’m probably playing with fire, and I’ll end up both with heart probems AND bad bones….but at least I’m trying given the amount of conflicting information and the knowledge I have, right?

          • Anonymous

            If you cannot stomach dairy, you can relatively easily get sufficient calcium from spinach, collard greens, sardines, tofu, etc.

    • Anon in NYC

      Do a lot of people take vitamins / nutritional supplements? Every once in a while I think I should probably do something, but I eat pretty healthily, just got good results back on some blood work, and generally don’t think about it at all.

      • roses

        A lot of people do, but that doesn’t make it a good thing! It sounds like you’re doing everything just fine. Seriously, the vast majority of people do not need nutritional supplements. Unless you have a deficiency or some medical condition that prevents you from properly absorbing certain vitamins or minerals, or you are allergic to every source of a particular vitamin/mineral, you should be able to get everything you need from your diet and a little bit of sunlight (for vitamin D). This whole “take your vitamins!” thing is purely the result of marketing.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t and don’t intend to take any.

        The body’s not able to process supplements in the same way as naturally-occurring vitamins/minerals, and I eat a healthy diet. Boo ya!

        I don’t want to post links, but a simple medical/science journal search will yield plenty of results showing negative long-term health outcomes for persons taking supplements. Food FTW!

    • locomotive

      Syntha- 6 for protein. That stuff is delicious.

      I also take B-vitamins and flaxseed oil as supplements. I blend the flaxseed oil with my protein shake, and just remember to take the B-vites separately.

    • Ebro fin

      I take a Flintstone with Iron Vitamin every day. Iron, because I’m a vegetarian and don’t get enough, and Flintstones as they don’t make me break out. Also take a Flax Seed Oil and Zinc, both help my complexion. B12 liquid one week a month, again, because vegetarians struggle to get enough B12.

  13. Deep End

    I have a what would you do question. This morning I was driving to work in my new city when a man was standing in the median of the busy street, singing and asking for money. I was in the left turn lane. I did not make eye contact with him as he went to the car in front of me and then hoovered around my driver side window. When the light turn green, he jumped in front of my car and stood, pressing his body against my car and daring me to hit him. The long line of traffic behind me were all blowing their horns, and I blew mine until he eventually moved, walked beside my car and punched my driver’s side window. No damage was done and I turned and drove to work, shaking and crying.

    My SO says I should have called the cops if I felt threatened. I wish I had taken his picture, drove to the gas station across the street and called the cops. My doors weren’t locked. I have not been locking my doors when I drive up to an intersection where people are in the median because I feel like it’s rude, though I’ve learned my lesson and will definitely lock my doors from now on. What would you do in this situation? I just moved here from NY where I took the subway/walked and honestly never felt this threatened. I feel pretty shaken by the whole experience.

    • NOLA

      Oh, it’s so easy to say what you should have done in hindsight. But in the moment, you were shaken, frightened, and trying to get yourself out of the situation. Now you have a plan for what to do if it happens again, but don’t beat up on yourself about today. And definitely LOCK YOUR DOORS! You live in a city. Be safe. Lock your doors and keep your purse on the floor rather than the seat. Be careful.

    • Sydney Bristow

      That is really scary. Honestly, I think snapping a picture and then going across the street to call the cops could have been more dangerous. Can you call a non-emergency police number now just to make a report? I’d bet others have done the same. In my experience, many times the person has a regular corner where they beg so the cops may know who you are referring to.

      I’m sorry you’re so shaken! I absolutely would be as well and I’m glad you’re safe!

      • cc

        Agree- I don’t think a picture would even help really. I think the best thing to do would to be to call the police and report it, but please don’t beat yourself up about what you couldve done, except from now on always lock your doors. It doesn’t have to be when you see them, it should be as soon as you get in the car. In fact, new cars now do it automatically when you start the car. I would focus on building that habit. sorry that happened, it would be so upsetting!

    • SFBayA

      I’m so sorry. That sounds awful.

      First off – every single person on this site should be driving around with doors locked at all times. It’s literally the first thing I do once I get into my car, before I even put on my seatbelt. I imagine some of you will chime in to say it’s not necessary but I simply can’t wrap my head around the marginal inconvenience of locking your doors not being outweighed by additional safety.

      Second, living here, I am very familiar with the crazy panhandler. That guy was crazy. He probably did it in part to freak you out and make himself feel powerful for making you feel that way. I also bet that the neighborhood police station is familiar with this crazy person and won’t need a picture to know who you’re talking about. The cops here know the homeless in their precinct area. It would be helpful for them to know what he did to you so they can document it, possibly add it to a stack of complaints, and use them as a basis to get him off the street and into a treatment facility. So if it will make you feel better, call the non-emergency precinct line or go down to the station and talk to an officer. They are there to help you.

      Third, I haven’t read it but this sounds like a prime moment for someone here to recommend The Gift of Fear. Who the hell cares if you’re rude to a person who makes you fearful? Do what you need to do to be safe. Lock your doors, cross the street away from the creepy guy, get away from the guy talking to you in the grocery check out line who seems “off” in a way you can’t quite put your finger on. You have a right to protect yourself.

      • Avodah

        @ SFBayA Yes! Thank you. “Who the hell cares if you’re rude to a person who makes you fearful? Do what you need to do to be safe. Lock your doors, cross the street away from the creepy guy, get away from the guy talking to you in the grocery check out line who seems “off” in a way you can’t quite put your finger on. You have a right to protect yourself.”

        I get pushback from some of my friends when I say this re “being rude”. I don’t care if I am “rude” to someone who makes me uncomfortable on the subway, at the grocery or whatever. I have the right to feel safe and *be* safe.

      • anonypotamus

        I don’t really have anything to add except I was just thinking about this as I walked to and from court this morning. A man standing next to me at the crosswalk said “hey pretty lady,” which I ignored, as I usually do. This was followed by “wow, ok, what a b**** – a man can’t even say hello.” I’m fine with ignoring the non-interaction, but I hate how most people think that my presence in the street somehow gives them the right to comment, and further, if I choose not to interact, how that is seen as a negative. I don’t owe anybody a smile, a greeting, etc. It might be rude, but I have the right to make sure I am safe. If I want to talk to someone, I will. If I don’t, I won’t. And it’s something I don’t think (most) guys can really understand. And I love The Gift of Fear – great read.

        • anonypotamus

          also – to Deep End – I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s scary and you reacted totally understandably. Glad you are ok!

        • Terry

          There was an article about this recently (in the Atlantic?) While walking down the sidewalk the writer was followed by a car whose driver repeatedly offered her a ride. He kept telling her that he was hurting his feelings by not accepting. The authors point was that she shouldn’t care about hurting the feelings of a stranger, that she need not be infiintely accomodating to strangers desires (to give us a ride, to talk to us, etc). I thought of it when the Ohio women were found – I don’t know how they were taken but I wonder if they were just too kind to strangers.

        • gre

          +1

          I get so fed up with this kind of behavior from men. I once went off on a guy for trying to speak to me from behind while I was using the ATM — probably not the smartest move on my part, but COME ON! Sheesh!

      • Mpls

        Locking my doors is also the first thing I do when I get in my car too. And I also agree with the GoF recommendation.

      • Samantha

        “It’s literally the first thing I do once I get into my car, before I even put on my seatbelt.”

        Me too. Even though my husband makes fun of me for this. Better safe and paranoid, than sorry.

      • Deep End

        Thanks, all. SFBay, I’m going to get The Gift of Fear this weekend. Rationally I know that being worried that someone on the street thinks I’m rude is silly, but hearing it from others helps. I will get into the habit of locking my doors every time.

        • Island girl

          My car locks automatically when I get in, and that’s a good thing because I would never remember to do this myself.

          I had a bad incident recently in which a car behind me started tail-gating and turning his brights on and off. He got really close to my bumper. It was late night, I was on my way home from work (trial prep), and I just continued to go home. When I turned left, he did as well, and then he went into the lane next to me and started screaming and driving his car close to my passenger side. Eventually, he passed me, but I was still in trouble. At a stop sign, he got out of his car and started pounding my window, screaming and yelling “Get out, MFer! Get out B*tch!” He broke my side window.

          Thruout the whole thing I stared straight ahead. No other cars were around because it was about 1 ayem. Finally, SUV came up behind me. The guy in the SUV got out, big dude, and approached the mad man pounding on my window. The bad guy got back in his car and sped off — a coward when faced with someone bigger than him.

          I didn’t get the bad guy’s plate number altho I remembered the make/model of the car. I never called the police, but my husband and son drove thru our valley looking for the car.

          I wrote a letter to a Thank You-type column in our local paper thanking the fellow in the SUV, because I never got his name.

          Anyway, yeah, keep your windows locked, and if can, when you get a new car, I highly recommend a self-locking one. I later talked to a cop friend, and he said that I did the right thing by not responding to the crazy guy (probably a meth-head) and keeping the windows tight. He said I should have called 911, but my phone was in my brief case in the back seat. So, second piece of advice: keep your c-phone handy while driving.

          Take care on the road, ladies.

    • Lynnet

      I would have been incredibly shaken and creeped out and did exactly what you did. In the future, definitely lock your doors (when I was driving to work, I would do this everymorning as soon as I got in my car, so I wouldn’t forget), people in my city can be incredibly aggressive begging on medians, and it’s better to be safe than sorry.

    • LR

      I had something sort of similar happen several years ago. I was right by my office in the right lane, going the speed limit (40 mph) when a lawn service pickup with a trailer decided to cut across three lanes of traffic to turn into a bank directly in front of me. The bank driveway has a curve that he couldn’t make with his trailer so he stopped in the road. He seriously cut me off, to the point where I had to slam on my brakes and just hope that I didn’t hit his trailer. I honked at him, just one tap of the horn, and then waited for him to get out of the road. He GOT OUT OF HIS TRUCK and yanked my car door open, yelling at me. For the life of me, I have no idea what he said, but I screamed WTF at him (the words, not the acronym, and not my most eloquent moment), and he looked panicked and left.

      Clearly, I’m really lucky this guy was only sort of a lunatic and not carrying a gun or something. I remembered the name of the lawn service and called to report him. I had to leave a voicemail so I have no idea if it went anywhere, but it made me feel better. I would definitely call the non-emergency number of the local police in your case.

      I lock my doors more frequently now, and my next car will have automatic locks when it hits a certain speed. I always thought that was silly, but it’s really not.

      • Deep End

        That is my biggest fear. That someone will open my door and try to mess with me! Ugh. That sounds so scary, I’m so glad it did not escalate any further. We are going look for a new car this weekend so I will look for one with automatic locks.:)

  14. testing

    My comments have not been showing up- I am adding an email address to test if that helps

  15. Anonymous

    Does anyone have any recommendations for rental realtors in the Harvard Square area? Have had experiences with a lot of shady/overly aggressive realtors and would love a recommendation for a good one!

  16. Cornellian

    I am full of off-topic questions today, but this one’s a bit closer:

    What, if anything, do you bring to a bris hosted by Orthodox Jewish parents? What do you wear? I’ve been to countless modern Orthodox Shabbat services, so I think I understand the modesty requirements, but not any other dress code rules…

    • Marilla

      I would wear what you’d wear to a regular MO Shabbat service – dress up a bit (a little bit festive is good), and stay modest. A bris will usually be a morning thing, may or may not be a celebration with brunch etc (depends what day, venue, etc – is it at 7 am at synagogue, or at 10 am at a party room somewhere?). You can bring a baby gift but you definitely don’t have to. The bris itself is very quick but there will be a lot of shmoozing and chatting with the family.

      • Cornellian

        It follows 7 AM services, which I will not be attending. I have to go directly to work, as well. Perhaps I”ll just go slacks, long sweater, and jewelry.

        • Marilla

          That would be totally fine, although you may indeed feel more blended in with the crowd if you wear a pencil skirt – but if it’s an MO group I don’t think you need to worry that anyone will give you the stink-eye for wearing pants.

    • Amelia Bedelia

      Just an aside – most ortohodox jewish women I know do not wear pants. I understand you are not orthodox, and I doubt anyone will think of ill of you. however, if you are seeking to dress similarily to other orthodox women in attendance, I would recommend a skirt (past the knees, preferably).

  17. Bachelor Week!

    I’m going out of town for work for an entire week. Any suggestions for what I can make today to leave for DH so he doesn’t resort to frozen pizza and beer every night? Ideally I’d make something like lasagna that can be eaten for several days in a row. My defaults in the past (for weeks when stuff is crazy and I know we’ll eat cereal for dinner if we don’t make something in advance) have been lasagna, chicken pot pie, and enchiladas. BUT! There’s a challenge! Our kitchen is currently mid-renovation. I can use the stove/oven, but all my pots and pans are in the guest room, the dishwasher is not installed yet, and I have very limited counter/prep space (we’ve been grilling outside a lot….). So things that are low on the mess/dishes required/prep would be great.

    • Bonnie

      Why not just let him eat frozen pizza, or whatever he wants, while you’re gone? Whenever I’m out of town, my DH gets his fill of crappy food then goes back to the healthy stuff when I come home.

      • cc

        agree- this is what i do when my husband who cooks is out of time. I eat all the bread!

      • Bachelor Week!

        No, I’m just doing it to be nice. He is trying to eat healthy but he works really late. I am usually home early enough to make us dinner. He doesn’t want to eat garbage all week, and I don’t want to, and I’m going to miss him and thought it’d be nice to have real food.

        • love

          I totally get how you feel. How about buying a bunch of nice lettuces (I’m in SF and I like T&A’s artisan lettuce that comes in clamshell packaging), endive, and raddichio, and some good salad ingredients like nuts, cheese, avocado and other crunchy/flavorful toppings, and a few good salad dressings. Cook some steak or chicken. Then you can pre-wash, cut, and dry (really dry) the lettuce and keep it in tupperware or ziplocs, so he can build his own salads all week.

    • Kelly

      There’s an expectation you make dinner for your husband even for when you’re gone? To borrow a handle from yesterday, I feel very Judgey McJudgerson about that.

      • Ashley

        I think it’s sweet that she wants to leave her hubby dinners! Bachelor Week, what about stocking up on sandwich items….cold cuts, sliced lettuce, sliced tomatoes, etc. Chili also heats up really well, you could make a large batch and he could do that a few nights.

        • Nonny

          Chili was going to be my suggestion! Always good to have around and it is nice and filling.

      • Bachelor Week!

        There’s no expectation at all. But he’s the one doing all the kitchen reno, so I thought it would be nice if when he came home after 10 hour days to several hours of painting and sanding (while I’m at a work event at the beach…), there was food in the fridge that required only a microwave :) And yes, I could just tell him to eat frozen pizza, but that’s gross (says both he and me)

      • KLG

        I left my husband and stepdaughter a freezer full of casseroles when I went on a 2 week work trip. He does all the laundry, I do all the cooking. Sure he could have cooked for them when I was gone, but that’s our typical breakdown and it certainly made his life easier while I was eating fancy meals on a per diem. I totally get where Bachelor Week is coming from.

      • Left Coaster

        Why? My husband makes dinners to leave for me when he’s out of town — I work much longer hours than he does, and he does it to be nice. I don’t expect him to do it, but I do appreciate it. Sounds like it’s the same in Bachelor Week’s household. What’s there to judge? Sheesh.

    • anon

      this situation cries out for hearty salad and sandwich fixings. And hubby can always grill himself a steak or burger to go with!

      • Bachelor Week!

        I’m trying to do something that is heat-and-eat because he’s also going to be working on the kitchen reno…so I’d prefer he eats in 10 minutes and gets right to work vs. having to deal with cooking and cleanup and THEN start sanding cabinets and installing trim!

    • Em

      Do you have a slow cooker? This seems like what they were made for! You could do some hearty soups or stews (not that seasonally appropriate, but extremely easy to reheat without a lot of drama), and then some pulled pork or bbq chicken that can be used for sandwiches easily.

      • Ginjury

        I completely agree with using a slowcooker- only one dirty dish and you could use frozen/canned veggies and a couple pounds of meat and you’re good. I like to make an enchilada soup with chicken breasts, rotel tomatoes, frozen corn, black beans, and chipotle. Very good, very easy.

      • Bachelor Week!

        That’d be great. Much less work than lasagna. Plus, I already have spicy turkey sausages somewhere.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I never really learned to cook and my husband knows I’ll eat waffles and cereal all week if left unattended. When my husband travels, he usually goes grocery shopping before hand and leaves instructions a toddler could follow on the fridge for me. After a few trips, I can now take care of myself :) For example, one night’s instruction might say:

      1.) Remove pans from oven.
      2.) Preheat oven to 400. It will beep when ready.
      3.) Put aluminum foil on the broiler pan.
      4.) Take the fish out of the wrapper, put it on the aluminum foil, shake on some fish seasoning.
      5.) Put in oven for 2o minutes. SET A TIMER and don’t go online.
      6.) While it is cooking, put a scoop of rice in the rice cooker with an equal amount of water and press on.
      7.) Fill a small pan with water, put the METAL strainer (not the plastic one) on top and put the asparagus in. Cover. Let the water boil for 10 minutes or so.
      8.) When the timer beeps, take the fish out of the oven (with oven mitts!) and put the hot pan on the stove not the counter! Don’t touch the pan!
      9.) Use a spatula to separate the scales from the meat.
      10.) The rice should say “done” by now. Put rice on plate, put fish on top. Turn off boiling water and use tongs to get asparagus out.
      11.) Turn off the oven before you sit down to eat.

      Have I mentioned how much my husband rocks!

      • Bachelor Week!

        That’s funny…”will beep when ready.” Actually, DH is a great cook (way better than me…). But he doesn’t get home until 7/7:30, and he’s actually doing all the kitchen work…so I’m looking for something he doesn’t have to cook or clean up after, so he can eat and get right to work.

      • Amy H.

        This is awesome. While I have finally gotten to the stage of knowing to take the fish out of the wrapper, I could definitely use that reminder to set a timer and even more so — DON’T GO ONLINE!

    • Anonymous

      Amy’s frozen meals? He can heat those up in the oven or microwave, little mess, and they are tasty but a little healthier than other options (though probably not as healthy as the packaging/marketing suggests).

    • Meg Murry

      You could also just grill a ton of proteins and veggies (make kabobs or get a grilling basket), and make a big batch of rice, etc (whatever your preferred choice of protein is) and then put it in ziplocs & smaller tupperware containers. Then he could just reheat his choice of meat+veggie+carb, and maybe throw a sauce over it (terriaki, BBQ, etc).

      Also, if he throws the empty tupperware & dishes back in the freezer they won’t get gross, and then one of you can do a big washing up session, as opposed to trying to wash his dishes every night in the bathtub or some other random PITA or having you coming home to dishes growing things. I think cleanup and prep are harder during reno than the actual cooking part and why so many people wind up with takeout. Buy some paper plates & bowls too, so he can just use those to eat off of and not have to worry about cleanup that week (like for breakfast cereal).

    • Lilly

      Are you near a Trader Joe’s? Lots of nuke-able fairly healthy frozen options there.

    • New Bride

      I think the hardest part of cooking is figuring out what to cook, I.e., the planning.

  18. anon

    No real question here, but UGH. Visiting my immediate family in a foreign country (where I did not grow up). They all speak the local language now, including many nieces and nephews who speak ONLY that language. After living here for a couple of years at the end of my adolescence, I can sort of stagger around in the language awkwardly. I get absolutely exhausted after too many hours with my family: imagine a dozen children pulling on you and jabbering at you in a language that you half understand.

    So…why do they treat me like I’m 12 (mid-3os, married, childless, here without husband for 2-week family visit) and need to account for all of my time? Why does my younger-than-I-am sister-in-law try to schedule all my time and ask me to account for all the time I don’t spend with them? Why is it so weird to sit in a cafe and read a book for an afternoon, on the one vacation I will take this year? This is a beautiful place, the weather is perfect, and the food is fantastic. I rented my own apartment for the visit, and I have a handful of lovely friends here. But the are DRIVING ME CRAZY. AND I NEVER WANT TO COME BACK.

    • Miss Behaved

      Trying to guess where this foreign place is…

      The Caribbean? Spain? France? I’m intrigued.

    • Meg Murry

      Maybe they are worried you are bored and they therefore aren’t being good hosts/hostesses? Or if you are seen by yourself others might accuse them of ignoring you and being a bad host? Or are you in a place where its considered not proper/not safe for a woman to be out in public alone? Some people just don’t understand that sitting in a cafe and reading is enjoyable – they might just be super sociable/always on the go types. But I hear you – family (and especially in-laws) can be exhausting. Is your SIL possibly hinting that she wants to spend more time with her? Or is she worried that you’ll drop by her house when she doesn’t have a “proper” meal planned or her house isn’t perfect and you’ll judge her for it? Maybe if you schedule a few specific outings with her she’ll leave you alone about the rest of your plans? Or just tell her you are meeting up with your old friends – then do your own thing.

      At least you got your own apartment. Imagine how much worse it would be if you were staying under their roof :-)

    • Wannabe Runner

      I have a huge family. One time they all came to visit me where I live – across the country from where I grew up and they all still live.

      I love them, and I was excited for their visit for like a year beforehand.

      But when they were here, I just couldn’t take it. It was way too much activity and scheduling.

      Eventually my dad reminded everyone, “You know, I think Wannabe Runner is just not used to having all these people around.”

      Maybe it would be ok to remind your SIL that you aren’t used to being around so many people at once, and that you need to refresh your energy so that you can be your best self when you are with them.

  19. anonlawyer

    I’m a midlevel associate at a large law firm and I’m wondering: For my career future, does it matter whether I formally enter an appearance in the cases I work on?

    I have worked substantially on many cases now — drafting dispositive motions, etc. — and I have not yet been invited to enter an appearance in any of them. A male associate has regularly entered appearances in cases like these working with the same partner and clients. He’s two years my senior, but he has been entering appearances since he was my status or even more junior. I’m starting to be concerned that I’m working too much “in the shadows.” But before even considering whether to bring this up, does it really matter whether I enter an appearance or not?

    • new york associate

      YES, enter an appearance. Don’t wait to be invited; just say to the partner, “Hey, I think it would make sense for me to enter an appearance.” It does matter for perception, but it also matters because having filed a notice of appearance removes obstacles. For example: the partner is ill, and someone has to go to court for a status conference in his stead. If you’ve entered your appearance, it is easy for you to volunteer to take his place. Plus, if your name is on the docket sheet, your name will be on the court documents and that will be good for your google/westlaw record.

    • Em

      I suspect it won’t usually have a direct effect on your career. But I still think you should push to be added. There is something of a visibility issue; lawyers from other firms in your area (that you may someday want to apply to) will get used to seeing your name on pleadings and know what areas you work in. And it’s also just good practice: you’re a lawyer who did substantive work in a case, so barring unusual circumstances, you should be counsel of record for it.

      My experience is that you don’t normally have to push that hard. It’s something partners and senior associates often don’t think about, but when you say “I’m going to add my name to this; is that a problem?,” people will almost always say yes. Or they’ll say “we’re actually trying to limit the number of attorneys because our client needs to appear sensitive to costs,” or something like that, but at least you’ll know. My guess is that your colleague has been regularly asking and that’s why he’s in them and you’re not.

    • I am a banana.

      You are a midlevel associate and your name is not on the pleadings and dispositive motions you are drafting and you are not counsel of record? My alarm bells are ringing. Don’t wait for an invitation. It matters. Go fix this!

      • TO Lawyer

        I’m inclined to agree with this – unless there is a specific reason why your name should not be on documents, I would not wait for an invite. I started putting my name on documents as soon as I was a lawyer because I knew none of the senior men I worked with would invite me to and now I have other lawyers from other firms at the very least recognizing my name. (Hopefully this will help when I seriously start looking for a new job)

    • anonlawyer

      Thanks for the responses. Does it make a difference whether it is simply adding my name to the document, versus filing a formal entry of appearance that puts my name on the docket?

      • I am a banana.

        That is a very court-specific question. If you are in federal court, you are usually added to the docket when you e-file. State courts vary.

        The pleading thing is more important than being on the docket. Eventually, for a new job or for a bonus negotiation, you will want to be able to say, oh I nailed this MSJ…and here is a copy of it with my name on it. Entering an actual appearance is more of an issue if you are arguing at hearings or going to depositions, which it sounds like you might not be.

    • anon

      You should definitely ask, but practices vary at different BigLaw firms (and can vary by practice group within that). If there are already a couple of partners and a senior associate with appearances, you may well be told no, because there may be a sensitivity to looking like the BigLaw firm on one side is flooding the litigation with attorneys.

      For federal cases where you do not have an appearance, you can still have one of the attorneys of record add your email to the list of addressees who should receive ECF notices. (Each attorney of record can usually enter three email addresses to receive notifications.) State court may work the same way; I just have less familiarity there.

  20. Anon.

    Dear All,

    I need advice. I am a new associate at a small firm. I have been here 2 months and all is going well, I am getting great feedback, seems to be a good fit, etc.

    Last night, I discovered a drafting mistake that I made (and that the partner did not catch) in my first few weeks here. The mistake impacts documents for 4 clients and probably means that the clients will have to be notified and at least some of the documents will need to be executed again.

    I need to tell the partner this morning. This is my first mistake here and I want to do the best damage control that I can. I tend to get carried away with guilt/apologizing when I make mistakes. What is the best way to approach/phrase this to a) take appropriate responsibility and b) emerge from the situation looking responsible and competent?

    • I am a banana.

      Just go tell them immediately what happened and how to fix it. Say you will do x next time so that it doesn’t happen again. You’re new. They’ll understand.

    • Julep

      Here are my suggestions:

      Revise the documents as needed.

      Figure out who needs to reexecute what and when this needs to happen.

      Tell the partner that there was a drafting error in documents X, Y and Z. You have made the revisions as it is necessary for clients A, B and C to execute new versions.

      Explian why the mistake occured. If it was an oversight on your part, be honest. Tell him what you are doing to see that it doesn’t happen again. Understand that everyone makes this type of error from time to time, but don’t tell him that.

      Offer to manage the client communications if that is appropriate for your role.

      Overall, be honest and own your mistake. Don’t make excuses.

      Good luck.

    • Nellie

      Spend very little time apologizing, if any, and instead explain how you’re solving the problem. Recognize that the documents contained an error, take responsibility for it (there’s a reason politicians use this phrase instead of an apology), and propose a very specific solution. Bring the corrected documents to the meeting and explain what you propose to do.

  21. meme

    JCrew is having a 20% off sale now through the 21st. Do they usually have better sales around Memorial Day, or should I go for it now if I’ve had my eye on something? Also, has anyone here purchased the Telegraph pencil skirt in Super 120s (available online only)? I love the wool No. 2 pencil skirts, and I’d like an alternative for summer, but I hear the cotton No. 2s are way too wrinkly. And I like the idea of the extra length in the Telegraph skirt.

  22. Hollis

    Has anyone tried Lafayette 148 New York clothes and can tell me about the fit? Do they fit big/small or true to size?!?

    • NYNY

      I have a few Lafayette 148 items. Nice quality, but you should definitely size down in them.

  23. DJ

    I need some advice. I am interviewing for a transactional in-house position and they have asked for a writing sample. The position involves no litigation so I am at a loss of what I should bring. Would a redacted agreement work?

  25. Caterina

    On the actual topic of that blouse: I saw it in the shop and was astounded at first. Unfortunately, when I gave it a feel, I gasped in horror. Whatever Worthington did, the silk now feels like it was never silk at all. It may be silk, but if you want something that feels the part, look elsewhere. If all you want is a decent white shirt that’s not too horrible in the care-and-keeping department, this should do you. :)

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