Weekend Open Thread

Gizeh Birko-FlorSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

Call me crazy, but I feel like Birks are having a resurgence right now. I always see stylish women wearing them around NYC, and if I were to go on a vacation they’d be my #1 walking shoe. They’re still hard to pull off with a girly dress, but for bumming around in shorts or dresses like maxis I think they’re great. I especially like them in their metallic colors, such as this “titanium” pair. They’re $79.95 at Zappos. Birkenstock – Gizeh Birko-Flor (Titanium Birko-Flor ) – Footwear

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  1. So I just found out that there’s a Trader Joe’s right near my office, as well as a giant Whole Foods and an awesome TJMaxx. I’ve never been to Trader Joe’s, but I know a lot of people swear by it. Do you all have any recommendations for good products?

    • Dried fruit section: chile-covered mangos. Or chile-dusted. Something with chile and mango. They are amazing.

    • They frequently have discount hose, sometimes even the really nice ones. Plus the food stuffs sold by the counter are sometimes ridiculously good.

      • Oops. That was for TJ Maxx.

        For Trader Joes, the frozen Indian lunches are ammmmaaazing. Also, the frozen mac and cheese. And basically everything. OOH! How could I almost forget the ginger lemon cookies!

        • I have yet to meet a frozen Trader Joe’s meal I didn’t like, but I absolutely devour the Indian entrees (I love Indian food in general, and these are pretty legit) AND they have frozen naan (score!). The Sweet Red wine is also a favorite–it tastes like sangria right out of the bottle.

        • The frozen mac and cheese (Joe’s Diner) is very clearly the best non-homemade macaroni and cheese currently available anywhere. I challenge anyone to name a better one.

          • In my opinion it is actually better than a lot of homemade Mac & cheese I’ve eaten.

            Other favorites? Eggplant hummus, dried tart montmorency cherries, organic pb, jams, frozen entrees (indian and Asian are really good). Also if you have picky kid eaters their “kid food” is pretty healthy compared to others…chicken nuggets are whole chicken breast, for example. Also their frozen French toast and waffles are very popular in my house. Their apps are nice for entertaining.

            Let me put it this way. Our nearest tjs is 45 minutes away and either me or my nanny makes a shop there weekly. It’s worth the drive.

    • Cornellian :

      olive tapenade!

    • Everything! The things that always end up in our shopping cart at TJ’s are frozen meals for lunch, gnocchi sorrentina and the large veggie lasagna for quick dinners, jalapeno hummus, chicken sausage, jarred pesto, snack sized packets of nuts and trail mix, a pound bar of bittersweet chocolate with almonds and wine.

      • The large veggie lasagna is my go to for busy nights!

        I also love (and hoard) their veggie gyoza and the vegetable mélange, which is great to throw into anything from tomato soup to scrambles eggs.

        They also have the most delicious bread – forget the name, but its elongated oval slices with poppy seeds and the like.

      • In our house the jalapeño cilantro hummus is known as ‘crack hummus’. Yum!!

    • The shampoo and conditioner are the best I have ever used (including salon brands), sulfate and silicone-free, and like $3 a bottle.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Is that the TJ’s on Mem Drive? (Not that I am a huge stalker or anything…) It’s a good one. It is weirdly tiny in comparison to the size of its parking lot, but it is generally well stocked. I really like:

      TJs Mac & Cheese
      All the frozen foods
      Chocolate covered raisins

      • Nope. It’s the one at Alewife.

        • The Whole Foods at Alewife has the BEST meat counter. I’m jealous just thinking about it (though I don’t remember if you eat meat).

        • Oh I’m so jealous! I used to live right there and now live far from WF and there isn’t TJ’s at all. I’m dying for some Mac & Cheese and Baked Ziti. And cheap milk and bananas!

        • Ha! I’m right near u right now.

    • Truffles! The chocolate ones, not the fungus (although I love that, too).

    • MaggieLizer :

      Handful of almonds, lentil soup, bags of small apples or pears, clementines, soyrizo… I do a lot of shopping there!

    • I’ve found the Trader Joe’s selection is amazing – and you really can’t go wrong in sampling their brand-name items. Makes my mouth water thinking about it. Personally, I love the ready-made frozen tamales – you pop them in a steamer basket and they’re ready 20 minutes later.

    • layered bob :

      I don’t get produce there because it’s overpriced compared to the little Mexican market near my house. But TJ’s shines in the semi-prepared category.

      1) Trader Joe’s Coastal Sauvignon Blanc is an unbeatable-for-the-price summer wine
      2) Masala Simmer Sauce. We eat it over a can of chickpeas and left-over rice as a two-minute meal.
      3) Always keep a box or two of the steamed lentils in the fridge. Open and serve, add to soups, salads, etc.
      4) Lara bars are cheaper there than at a standard grocery store.
      5) Coffee/tea
      6) Dried mango. OMG yes.
      7) Cheese. (Their goat gouda is great.) Also yogurt – my favorite is TJs honey greek yogurt.
      8) Cereal is often cheaper there than elsewhere – particularly some of the “health food” brands. This is also true of water crackers and just-peanuts peanut butter.
      9) Wine.
      10) Frozen foods are reliable and reliably not full of junk – my favs are the berry mixes, frozen hash brown potatoes, pizzas, palak paneer to serve over rice for a quick dinner, and falafel. The falafel is fantastic, imo.
      11) I also like the bags of frozen onions/peppers for sauteeing or fajitas – not now but in the winter they are way cheaper and often better quality than fresh peppers.
      12) Vegetarian chorizo. Not as big a fan of other beans-and-rice -style vegetarian staples as I can find them much cheaper at the local market.

      hmm… yeah, I’m a big TJs fan. It’s great for just having things on hand/in the freezer when my other dinner plans fall through and I need something a little quicker/easier – lots of interesting semi-prepared or frozen ingredients than can be easily thrown together.

      I also find that TJs is well-curated – whatever products they have are pretty reliably interesting and delicious, and they’re constantly adding new products and culling old, less-popular ones.

    • FormerPhotog :

      Cookie Butter! Almondictive bits!
      I do all my shopping there – good cheese selection – I’m currently in love with the Extraordinary Cheddar. The frozen haricots vert are a staple, as is the chicken breakfast sausage (actutally, any of the chicken sausages). I love the Middle Eastern Flatbreads and the Whole Wheat sandwich bread, too.

      Good coffee and tea at good prices, fantastic nuts and dried fruits. I do find most of the fresh produce, other than bagged greens, to be not so good, and prefer to get that at the local produce store, though.

      • I know I am so going to regret asking this, but *what* is cookie butter??

        • Um, Delicious, that’s what!!

          It is a spread made of gingerbread cookies, also called Speculoos, it’s a Belgian thing… sort of….

        • FormerPhotog :

          Banned from my house. ;)

          It’s a spread, also known as speculoos or Biscoff (branded). It’s basically like peanut butter made out of lightly spiced shortbread cookies, and it is ridiculously delicious. I like it with peanut butter, Nutella/ TJs Cocoa-almond spread, apples, waffles, crackers, a spoon, my fingers….

        • I knew I would regret asking…that sounds soooo good!

          • Romans et al. :

            Biscoff is addictive! Found it in their brand store on the embarcadero in San Francisco. Happily local grocers are just now starting to carry it in Texas. The company’s website has it as well. If you love it, it’s dangerous as it can be a total substitute for peanut butter :) They also make cookies which are just as great – used to get them on airlines. Oh, the Biscoff. Makes a hard, busy day at the office worthwhile, just waiting for the Biscoff Break.

    • Cheese! An plants/flowers. Both are SO much cheaper than at WF.

    • Frankly, it’s hard to think of anything I don’t like at TJ’s. Some particular favorites are: chocolate-chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, Tarte d’Alsace, basically any of the frozen pizzas, their private-label wines…

    • ChocCityB&R :

      TJ rec–Salads and wraps! So cheap, healthy, easy, I have one at least twice a week for lunch.

    • I buy all my groceries at TJ’s.

      I swear by:
      – black bean & corn enchiladas
      – trail mix granola bars
      – green fin white table wine
      – blue fin pinot noir
      – almost all produce–bell peppers are a GREAT price at TJ’s; arugula or spinach; teeny tiny potatoes, apples, etc
      -chipotle lime tortillas
      – sea salt reduced fat pita chips
      – the smooth hummus (not sure what it’s called), but its $2.99 and same size as Sabra
      -the pizza dough (white or wheat) for homemade pizza (only like $1)
      -all flowers!

    • SoCal Gator :

      My original post is in moderation apparently because I used the word “b*lls” to describe the small mozarella ovalini in a favorite salad.

      Here is my revised post:
      Their salads are awesome. I love the Super Spinach salad, the Bistro salad, the reduced fat Greek salad and the Italian one with fresh mozzarella pieces. I also love the huge packs of fresh baby spinach, the aoli mustard, the frozen fire roasted peppers and onions and the Fage Greek yogurt. I shop at TJ’s every single week and buy more there than the regular grocery store.

    • Whole Foods will have an excellent cafeteria where you can eat lunch.
      For Trader Joe’s, google Trader Joe’s Fan – you’ll find loads of recc’s there.

      • SoCalAtty :

        I LOVE Whole Foods for lunch. Their premade sushi is great for quick and mostly healthy, and they always have good salad + hot food. I can also take the chance to pick something up for dinner and replenish the fruit I keep in my desk, so it is great!

    • Totes McGotes :

      Honey sesame cashews…. nommm

      • or almonds! We always have creamy spinach artichoke dip in the freezer both at home and at the cabin, and their pre-cooked brown rice (ready in 3 minutes!) is handy for when I’m really lazy. Chocolate sorbet is delicious too. And their fresh naan. And and and……

      • Glazed pecans!

    • I get Walnut’s, Soy Milk, Bannanas (19 cent’s each) and the EMPIRE Ground White Turkey Meat ($4.99), which I used to BAKE for ALAN.

      I used to get my Bread there, but with my tush NOW beeing what it is, I have STOPPED buyeing BREAD. FOOEY!

      • I say this as a friend, but dude, you need to take your own advice and move on.

        It’s been long enough. You’re still too hung up on Alan.

      • Ellen, girl. I agree. Move on. ALaN sounds like a class A DOOSH.

        And there are plenty of men out there who appreciate and even prefer a generous tush. Get your fine self out there and get yours.

        Much love,
        mama ear

    • -Pounds Plus chocolate bars (so cheap and great quality chocolate)
      -Chocolate chips (so cheap and much better than Nestle)
      -Cookie Spread (if you like Speckuloos)
      -There’s also 99c dark chocolate speckuloos bars at the checkout- so good!
      -Dried fruits. (for dark chocolate cherry oatmeal cookies…)
      -Cheese section is awesome.

      -Haricot verts
      -Vegetable masala burgers (less like a burger more like a delicious carb-y patty)
      – GF Waffles (first purchased by accident, but I keep buying them!)
      -frozen fruits (again, depends on your area but these are the cheapest and best selection for me)

      I used to like their peanut butter but they keep changing it. (why no more organic creamy Valencia?!)
      There’s a new “crunchy with flax seeds” that my room mate *loves*.

      • I knew I was forgetting something. I got so distracted trying to find the crackers they moved that I forgot the masala patties.

    • TJ Green Curry Simmering Sauce. Sauté some veggies with chicken or whatever meat and then add the sauce. Put over jasmine rice. Awesome easy curry dinner.

      • Belle et Rebelle :

        Love the Green Curry Simmer Sauce! I just plop some still-frozen fish filets in the pot with the sauce and let it, well, simmer for a while. Meanwhile cook up some rice – very good and easy, too.

    • Shelled roasted pistachios!

    • Also in the love-everything [that’s vegetarian]-at-Trader-Joe’s camp. Current favorites:
      – Japanese fried rice (frozen). Recent favorite fast dinner is fried rice with TJ’s teriyaki baked tofu and their bagged kale, cooked and dressed with sesame oil and sesame seeds.
      – Frozen melange of potatoes, mushrooms and haricots verts. (I forget the exact fancy name.) Really great for brunch; I use it sometimes to make scrambled tofu, but it also would be great in or with scrambled eggs.
      – Frozen rice medley of rice, wild rice and barley. It’s ready in two minutes and is a great side dish or base for a stew or beans.
      – Pre-cut veggies: aforementioned kale and other greens; winter squash; mix of squash, turnips and sweet potatoes. Not super-cheap but really convenient — sometimes it’s the only way my family gets any veggies. I can’t find the time to peel and cut a big squash, but I’ll get a couple of packages of the pre-cut stuff, toss with olive oil and seasonings and put in the fridge for one of the non-cooks in the family to throw in the oven while I’m on my way home.
      – FTO coffee, very reasonably priced
      – Everything chocolate – cocoa almonds with sea salt are amazing.
      – Low-fat sliced swiss cheese
      – Glazed pecans. Not too sweet; I put them in salads and on top pumpkin pie

    • wow, I was going to jump in, but I think you gals covered… like.. everything there is!! ;o)

    • Love TJs.

      My staples are the little frozen cubes of garlic, basil and cilantro. They don’t go bad and are easy to keep on hand.

      Love the spinach salad with blue cheese and cranberries.

      Frozen food is great and some of it is pretty healthy. I keep some of the deserts on hand for unexpected visitors.

      Love their Mint Melange tea.

      Almonds, dried tart cherries and dried mango slices. Lara bars.

      Their sublingual Vitamin B combo is good and kids always liked their gummy vites.

      My store has a great selection of cheeses, plus cream cheese, smoked salmon/lox and hummus.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Can it be that nobody has mentioned the Two Buck Chuck?

      Ladies! I’m shocked!

      Or maybe I’m just not as picky about my wine as you all are…

      • layered bob :

        nope, my wine rack has 8 bottles of the stuff, and almost nothing else. But it’s three buck chuck now.

      • Sadly, the particular location Bunkster mentioned doesn’t sell alcohol, so no three-buck chuck. But supposedly WF has its own $3 brand now to compete, so that’s worth a try (also the liquor store next to WF has a pretty decent wine selection).

      • They have decent Chilean wines for 4 bucks.

      • That stuff is nasty.

    • Mary Ann Singleton :

      Not sure if you can get this at Trader Joe’s outside California, but often the Trader Joe’s brand wines are excellent. They buy overflow grapes from really high quality wineries (check the small print on the back of the bottle – it’ll say which winery the grapes are from) and the cost is usually around $10. I particularly like their Dry Creek Cabernet and Syrah.

    • Dessert Doctor :

      I haven’t been to a TJs in a while, but in the fall they have wonderful pumpkin-related products, like pumpkin butter, pumpkin granola, pumpkin bread mix, etc. Seriously delicious. They also carry these amazing chocolate-covered, peanut butter filled pretzels that are highly addictive.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      Two buck chuck for have around the house wanna have a glass of wine (Although 2 buck is now $3.99)
      Frozen mac & cheese – my kids love it – also perfect to heat and make 2 lunches for the kiddos
      Honey wheat pretzel sticks with TJ honey mustard
      Some really good frozen veggie mixes – I mix with fresh and they are yummy
      Their ice cream is really good too

      WF – Most of what I get at Whole Paycheck are my meats, because I can get them packaged in meal portions rather than having to split them on my own. When they have a sale, I stock up – something is always on sale
      Great yogurt choices, especially if you like high protein yogurts

      TJ’s is hit or miss – if you have a good one, you’ll find lots of stuff, if not – there’ll be finds but you’ll have to stalk the store. I always buy interesting food stuff there, like vinegars, mustards, jams etc… also interesting stuff for home, like towels, kitchen tools etc….

      • Man, I miss two buck.

        We drank it almost exclusively in college. Then I moved to PA where TJ’s can’t sell booze due to the state liquor laws. And then we moved to an area with no TJs.

    • Flowers! They have gorgeous bouquets for $10. I even used them to style a photo shoot (yeah, I’m not a lawyer, I just like this site!)

      • Yes on TJ for flowers, wine, chocolate, nuts, Indian frozen meals, and yogurt. Produce is not so great…honestly the produce at my Safeway is better and cheaper. Don’t buy my meats at TJ either and have been mightily disappointed by a number of the frozen meals, salads, I’ve tried. I kinda don’t get all the TJ love.

    • another anon :

      trader joe’s:
      chocolate covered almonds
      handmade whole wheat tortillas
      spinach/kale/yogurt dip – with their pretzel thins
      pecan granola
      buts in general, especially the cashews
      dried berry mix
      pita crackers
      kalamata goat cheese
      grated parmesan

    • — “Truly Handmade Tortillas”
      — Lemon curd
      — Cheeses, especially Cabot extra sharp cheddar and Old Amsterdam aged gouda
      — Pound Plus dark chocolate
      — Tzatziki
      — Canned solid tuna in water
      — Nuts (pine nuts, almonds, cashews, peanuts)
      — Dried fruit (I especially love the dried sour cherries)
      — Unsweetened applesauce (in glass jars)
      — “Pilgrim Joe’s Cranberry Orange Relish” (available only in the fall, but ah-may-zing)

  2. Yay! I love OPEN THREADS!

    I have a threadjack! There is a posibility that the nerdy guy will join our firm, and if this is the CASE, the manageing partner said I will have to move my office. I think that is STINK-O!

    I do NOT think this is FAIR b/c I have been here longer, and he should sit by the copier.

    How can I get the manageing partner to let me keep my office?

    • Maybe if you stopped treating the manageing partner like a DOOSH he wouldn’t send you to another office.

    • What’s more STINK-O, though? Moving offices or the managing partner’s BAD BREATHE?

    • Have you asked WHY the manageing partner wants him in your office? Is it so he can keep a closer eye on the newer associate. Maybe a little distance between you and the DOOSH wouldn’t be so bad!

      But if you really don’t want to move, why not address it in a calm way with the manageing partner? But you’re going to have to have a better reason than “I don’t wanna”. How about: “this office is closer to my support staff and the attorneys I work with most.”.

  3. Romans et al. :

    Did anyone see this week’s what not to wear show? With Desiree from PR? The pink blazer at the end, with a bow/tie front….swooning. Have tried shop style and got nowhere.

    Maybe something via John Lewis Co but it’s horridly pricey and UK.


    The show’s website won’t list what she got/where online for a week at least and it’s sure to be sold out a la K. Middleton.

    thanks, hive

  4. I just returned a pair of these to Zappos. The foot bed is meant to be foot-shaped, but I guess I have mutant feet because the contours were all off on me. I have a similar pair from Clarks that are super-comfy, so I will have to stick with those.

    • FYI, these are the Clarks. I recently wore them for a full day of sight-seeing, including museum-going, which usually kills my feet, and they were just as comfortable as sneakers, if not more so. http://www.zappos.com/clarks-poster-signet-navy-nubuck?zfcTest=fw:1

      • I can’t wear Birks because I have a longer second toe that doesn’t fit within the raised edge of the sole. But those Clarks are super cute! I’m tempted to buy them, but some of the reviews said the toe post is stiff and painfully rubs the skin between the first and second toes. Was that your experience, DC Jenny?

        • The decoration on the top rubbed a tiny bit on the first wearing for one of my feet, but not enough to cause a blister or anything. After that I had no problems at all.

    • I think Birks are supposed to be vaguely foot shaped, and then the cork sole eventually conforms to your specific foot. But if they aren’t comfortable enough to walk around in them from the get go, they should definitely go back.

    • backtowork :

      I had a pair of Mephisto sandals similar to this that I wore for a summer travelling in Asia and Europe. Never a blister, never an achey foot. They held up for years. I currently have two pair — one in brown leather, one in black patent leather. If I didn’t work in an office that demanded close-toed shoes, I would live in them.

    • i LOVE my gizeh birks. they’re “ice pearl onyx” (not sure if this color is available this year, bought them last summer) — a nice neutral-but-pretty metallic blueish-grey. so comfortable and great with summer dresses.

  5. I love my Birks–although I prefer this style to the two strap ones we wore in high school. With socks.

    • I like them, too, and I’ve long been a hater-of-Birkenstocks. The soles are finally giving out on my trusty Rainbows (seven years of hard use later), so I might try and see if I can try them on somewhere. Although it feels weird to consider being disloyal to Rainbows.

      • I think they can be re-soled. Seem to remember a friend doing this.

        • Yeah, I’ve had shoes and boots re-soled before, but the Rainbows are really past the point of that. Like, my right big toe has worn a hole almost all the way through the sandal. The material that separates my foot from the material of the sole is cracking off. So really–they need to be replaced.

    • I actually love Birkenstocks and find them kind of sexy in the right circumstances. Okay so maybe sexy is the wrong word. But I think they can be attractive provided you choose a great color (I like the metallic or bright patent red, black or burgundy) and make sure to have a great pedicure (bold or dark colors look best here) and wear them with non-frumpy clothes.

      • That may be the first time I’ve ever heard Birks and sexy used in the same sentence.

      • anon in SF :

        I was a long time birk-hater too (going high school in Seattle in the late ’90’s will do that). But in the past few years, I’ve had two pairs of the Gizeh sandals. One in gold metallic, and currently one in bright red patent. I always wear with a great pedicure, and I don’t think they look too crunchy. I’ve worn them on a couple of summer trips in Europe, and found them very comfortable even on big walking days, and I didn’t feel like they were terribly ugly.

        • sugarmagnolia :

          I wore the gold color at my (outdoor) wedding a couple years back. I needed a flat shoe that could handle traipsing around in a nature preserve, and they were the only thing I could think of. They looked great (and I had a fairly sedate pedi color).

    • I have these http://www.zappos.com/birkenstock-mayari-black-birko-flor-trade?zfcTest=fw:1 and I think they’re a prettier take on the birk as well.

    • Research, Not Law :

      RR, I think we are exactly the same age.

  6. Yay, weekend! Happy Friday, all!

    So I tried to post this question yesterday, but I think I got to it too late in the day. Has anyone ever had any experience with ordering custom-made suits? I ordered a custom package from a local company (which a lot of my male coworkers have been happy with), and am sort of feeling the sticker shock. I’m excited about the idea of having clothes that actually fit and have all the features I actually want, but it’s more than I’ve ever spent at one time on clothing. Anyone had any experience with them? Were you happy, or regretting it? And any advice for what I should look for when I go back for the fitting?


    • I’ve never done custom made suits, but for custom made clothing, in general, my suggestion is to take something currently in your closet that you like and have that ready to show them when you go in to describe what you want them to have made. Think down to the tiny details as well – pockets, neckline, zipper, hook and eye, buttons, inside lining, etc.

    • phillygirlruns :

      i posted about this a while ago. in february i ordered a suit (jacket, skirt and pants) and one button-front shirt from a tom james rep recommended by a stylish and well-dressed male friend. AFTER ordering, i asked around on here and had several horror stories that boiled down to “tom james doesn’t do women’s clothes well.”

      i placed the order in mid-february; the suit came in about 8 weeks later. the skirt and shirt fit great; the jacket had to have a couple tweaks and they needed to let the hem out in the pants a bit. i ordered their midrange fabric and while the suit really does fit me like a glove, the quality of the material is only OK. overall, i feel like i got a j.crew suit for theory prices…and i’d just rather buy one or the other if that’s going to be the case, you know?

      the other major benefit is that they came to me for everything – ordering, measuring, fitting, etc., was in my office. it only took up about an hour of my time total over three visits, which is much more efficient than shopping, tailoring, going to pick up, etc. personally, that’s not really worth the extra cost to me, but i can see how it might be to someone else.

    • I’ve had pretty much all my professional wardrobe made for me for years and it is WONDERFUL. It helps that I live in Asia and have access to terrific professionals. During the years when I didn’t, I was travelling enough to be able to pick up stuff at least a couple of times a year (while trying to avoid losing/ gaining weight in between).

      The wonderful bits include having a bunch of standard templates which work for my shape and needs. I basically have 2 jackets, a handful of dresses, a skirt and a trouser which I keep re-making in different fabrics. My dressmaker orders a nice tropical-weight stretch wool for suits and I supplement with more interesting fabric, mostly traditional prints and weaves from different countries.

      The not-so-wonderful bit is that it took time and $$ to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Part of the problem was communication (dress-maker : “do you want it fitted or semi-fitted ?” me : “er well I want it fitted but not tarty”) and part was working around a tailor’s skills and training (mine does feminine Jackie-o type silhouettes very well but not anything ‘boyish’ or ‘relaxed’). Sticker shock is definitely a problem and made worse when you have to write off whole items because your imagination failed to meet your dress-maker’s training.

      Some specific advice :
      – Move around during your fitting – don’t just rely on looking at the mirror. Can you sit ? Can you move your arms ? Does the jacket look good open ? It may help to think about 2 ways a jacket can be fitted – it can hang off a sculpted shoulder (some people consider this ‘Italian’ tailoring) or it can be molded to fit the body, often with a high tight arm-hole (‘English’ tailoring). The former is more comfortable at the risk of looking a bit 80s. In trying to get something to fit more sleekly, you are pretty much down to playing off comfort vs. big shoulders vs. tightness around your torso when you sit vs. (somewhat) constrained arm movements.
      – Some of the necessary tweaking to ensure fit may seem counter-intuitive eg. fixing creases on the torso by tightening arms/ shoulders. Bring along a jacket whose fit you like so that you can show your tailor what you mean, rather than rely on imagining how it will look once the dress-making pins are removed.
      – There are usually 2 ways to cut a jacket – with a standard pattern for the torso and small modifications for length, arm measurements etc, or with a wholly customised pattern. If your tailor is working with a standard pattern and you have to tweak a lot to get the right fit, ask if he can cut a paper pattern of the final version so that you have your own customised pattern for the next order. It may not always be possible if they are outsourcing a lot of the job but it is definitely worth a try, at least for the jacket of your suit.
      – Check skirt and trouser tabs and closures. If there are any spots where a snap button will help things sit more sleekly, ask for one to be sewn on.
      – If you are getting a sleeveless dress made, ask for snaps inside to hold your bra-strap in place.
      – Try to get extra buttons, particularly for the spots which are visible externally.

      Have fun – this may be the start of an expensive habit !

  7. Neighbor help :

    Fellow ‘e t t e s, I need help with a common problem for apartment/condo dwellers: my new upstairs neighbors.

    A few years ago, I purchased a condo on the ground floor of my two-story building. Won’t be making that mistake again, but for the time being, I’m stuck here.

    Despite the upstairs unit being carpeted, the stomping is insanely loud and rattles my windows and light fixtures. On top of that (no pun intended), the new tenants keep, um, peculiar hours. Moved in on a weeknight beginning at 12:30 a.m., regularly walk around between 2-5 a.m.

    I never mustered the courage to speak to the previous tenants (the owner rents the unit out so they change every year or so). I am hoping a new set of tenants is a new opportunity to say something. As much as i want to just leave a note, I know that’s not the right answer. 

    So, two questions for the hive:

    1. What’s the best way to inform them of the thin floor/ceiling issue and politely ask them to be aware of their heavy-footedness?  FWIW,  I haven’t met them yet.

    2. Has anyone had luck with insulation or other modifications? I can pretty much make any changes I want within my own unit.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who can help preserve my sanity.

    • I would just nicely mention it, in a you probably had no idea but this seems to be loud in my apt, sorry to bother, but could you try to be quieter. They probably have no idea of the acoustics.

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        Agree. Unless you really think they are purposely stomping around to piss you off, I would just nicely say hey, welcome to the building. Just so you know, the floor and ceiling aren’t very insulated, so even regularly walking around is loud. If you don’t mind stepping quietly during nighttime hours, that would be great. Thanks!

        • Really? This does not have to be a big deal. Sometimes the number and depth of responses to questions like these are a little bit funny. All these high-powered, uptight women… afraid to ask the upstairs neighbors to be quiet.

    • I think it’s best just to be assertive, even if it’s awkward. Don’t wait for it to go away, because it won’t, and don’t tell yourself you can just live it with, because it’s clearly bothering you. They might not even know you can hear them. This could be a good way to meet them!

    • Agreed you could nicely mention it and hope they change (but if they’re just acting normally just at odd hours, I wouldn’t expect much change). Is there an HOA manager you could speak to?

      My bro lived in a similar situation and bought a white noise maker to create a constant noise while he slept. I live off of a very busy road and turn on a box fan at night to drown out the noise. Am sleeping so much better since I started using the box fan at night.

      • This. I have an apt above me, and while I don’t think the floors are as loud as yours, I just keep fans and white noise machines going and it pretty much drowns out noise outside my apt enough that it doesn’t bother me anymore.

    • I’ve had mixed experiences ranging from very good reactions to very bad. I think the best way to go about it is to knock on their door at a time when they aren’t doing it (say, the next morning) and say “Hi, I’d like to introduce myself, where are you from, etc etc…oh, by the way, I hate to be a pain, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that the ceilings in this building are super thin so if you could just be aware of that late at night, I’d appreciate it!” They’ll probably be okay with that and maybe it’ll do the trick. Good luck!

      • This. We’ve done this in a few different places, and it’s usually not a big deal.

    • Unfortunately, they aren’t really doing anything wrong. Like no one tries to stomp, you know? If it was music or furniture moving or something like that, I could see it changing. That’s not to say you shouldn’t try to say anything, but just be warned that probably, nothing will change. So I would focus on what you can do.

      Do you sleep with any white noise at night? I use a fan every night. Its a small one and I dont even have it blowing on me, it just drowns out a lot of little “nighttime” noises.

      Second, I def believe redoing the ceiling with soundproofing would work, just because that’s what its for right? and plenty of people live with upstairs neighbors without hearing all the stomps.

    • another anon :

      It sounds like they just recently moved in, so I would go over with some sort of welcome offering (baked goods, a bottle of wine, a plant, whatever), chat them up a bit, and then mention the noise issue politely. Could the issue be that they are wearing shoes inside? If so, it might help if you ask that they remove their shoes inside. Also, it sounds like they might have weird work hours, so I would make sure to go over at a time when you know they just recently got home,or when you can hear them moving around–waking them up probably won’t make them want to help you out.

      • This. I know they’re just renters, but try to be at least somewhat friendlier to them. When you actually know your neighbors, you make more of an effort to avoid annoying them (for example perhaps they’ll take their shoes off). But you have to put in the effort first.

        I’m not saying you have to be besties with them, but trust me that in neighbor relations you catch many more flies with honey than with vinegar.

      • Totes McGotes :

        I don’t think you can ask them to take their shoes off inside… I think the best course of action is to actually make friends with them so that they *want* to accommodate you by doing things like not wearing shoes inside. That is where the food/wine/plant/whatever comes in.

        • yeah… I’d give a big ol eyeroll if someone tried to ask me not to wear my shoes. I don’t think there is a way to say that on your first meeting that doesn’t come off as boundry crossing

          • viclawstudent :

            I had landlords once where I was living above them and they told me right off the bat that the floors were thin and asked me not to wear shoes inside. I complied quite happily (that’s what slippers are for!) Of course it’s a bit of a different thing if it’s not the person that actually owns the rental asking you, but still, I think I’d be totally amenable to that request if it was put to me politely (and perhaps included a bottle of wine).

        • I said jinx and it disappeared. Is that a moderatable offense now?

    • K... in transition :

      I’d approach it slightly differently… something more like, “I just wanted to introduce myself, I own the place right below you. Not sure if you noticed yet but the ceiling/floor is super thin, which means I can super hear your footsteps and probably you can hear my tv/music. I’ve noticed you guys walk around pretty late so you probably sleep in too? I was thinking we probably ought to make a deal from the get that I’ll keep my tv/music down before noon if you guys walk barefood/keep your footsteps as light as possible/put down rugs/whatever after midnight/whatever is a realistic time for you” This way it’s not accusatory, you’re offering to be helpful (and it’s probably something you don’t do anyway), and they feel more neighborly than kids being lectured.

    • I introduced myself to my upstairs neighbor as “Hi — Im So and so, and i live in the apartment right below yours” which immediately made a light bulb go on in his mind about “oh – somone lives down there!). It was actually sort of funny to watch his face as he came to this realization. The only thing that I would add is that you waited to come up until after they finished moving in because you know that involves lots of moving boxes and furniture, etc. but did want to let them know that the apartments are poorly insulated even for every day noise. Good luck!

    • just Karen :

      Unfortunately, sometimes buildings just carry sound a LOT – I can hear what sounds like someone stomping around upstairs (or at least walking heavily), when only my cat is up there – who weighs 11 pounds. That said, the ugly textured ceilings do absorb some sound, but for nighttime, a sound machine is a better bet. This one is pricey, but fabulous:
      It’s like a fan amped up to be louder rather than the usual digital recording.

    • Rose in Bloom :

      We own an upstairs condo in a 2 floor building where the floor/ceiling is really thin. My neighbors have never complained, but we purposely have lain carpets down and take our shoes off and don’t play loud music/TV. I know they can hear us because the floor creaks when we walk even in bare feet, but it is the best we can do. FWIW, I would not be offended if they asked us to keep it down although I don’t know what else we could do.

      This is a big problem in our complex and I have heard two solutions. Apparently the systemic issue is that the hardwood floors (don’t know if that is compounding issue for y’all) that are in every unit were not properly laid down or not laid down tightly or evenly enough so that the noise is more likely to echo. As such, if the upstairs unit were to lift up / relay the floor, it might fix some of the problem but I don’t know anyone who has done this.

      Several of my neighbors have done the following: something called a dropped ceiling. I don’t know too much about it but the downstairs neighbor lowers her ceiling a few inches and somehow it prevents noise from getting through. The two neighbors who have had it done says it helps a lot, although you can still hear sometimes.

      Hope this is helpful!

    • Divaliscious11 :

      You could introduce yourself and tell them, the floor/ceiling between our apartment is a bit thin, so if I am making too much noise, please let me know. Often the extension of the courtesy is enough to cause them to reciprocate. and you first conversation isn’t a complaint…..

    • Neighbor help - OP :

      Thanks everyone – I really appreciate the suggestions.

      Yeah, I know I’m totally overthinking this, but I’m just trying to fix what I can while being a friendly neighbor who doesn’t impose too much on their normal activities.

      Much appreciated!

  8. This past month my husband has been increasingly snippy with me and generally mean and stand offish. I believe I know where it is coming from but I don’t know how to address it/ how not to feel guilty about my decisions. I will be heading to a top tier business school at the end of July and he will not be moving with me (6 hours away). This decision was made for multiple reasons (his daughter is in the city we live in now, the town I am moving to is very small and would limit job options, and I want to be able to devote myself 100% to studying and networking). To complicate things, while he just earned his undergraduate degree (took him a long time to finish as he had no family support- emotional or financial), he didn’t get into any of the master’s programs he applied to and will be continuing to work the same two full-time jobs he works now. To put things plainly, I think he is mad because I am moving forward and he is standing still. He isn’t happy now but he isn’t taking any useful steps to change things.

    I have tried to get him to talk to me about what is going on. I have offered him support in his job search. I am trying to be happy about my decisions and I know this is my chance to do what I need to in order to grow my career. How can I talk to him/make him understand? How do I stop feeling guilty for putting myself first?

    • Anon 3L - GRADUATED! :

      I really don’t mean this to be mean, but are you sure that he isn’t upset that you are moving 6 hours away without him? I would be devastated if my spouse made a unilateral decision to move away, even one for his career, that left me behind.

      • Yeah. I’ve never been married or anything, but that kind of jumped out at me–like, you’re moving six hours away, to a place it doesn’t sound like your husband could feasibly go, between the daughter and the job prospects; and happy that you get to devote yourself “100% to studying and networking.” Again, never been married, but it’s my feeling that when you agree to get married (or agree to be in some form of serious, long-term, marriage equivalent), you are also agreeing that you do not ever get to be 100% all about yourself, 100% of the time. There’s always someone else you need to be taking into account.

        So um, yeah. Not saying that you shouldn’t go, and I know several other [readers of this site] make multi-location marriages work, but I really would encourage you to be more understanding of the fact that your husband is having trouble with this.

      • I, too, hope you that you mean you know exactly what logical and rational emotional place this is coming from, and that you are only asking for the most gracious way to handle it.

        It’s one thing to marry someone with open eyes that their position (military, etc) will involve distance – but 6 hours is really. far. away. There is a huge difference between 3 hours and 6 hours. If my husband did this and explained himself similarly, I’d be devastated.

      • My husband was the one who pushed me to apply to b-school and he has been behind me 100% throughout the whole process. Some additional background information is that my husband has been working 2 full-time jobs and been a full-time student for the past 4 years, so I have made some huge sacrifices for him in order to make that work. It hasn’t been easy and I rarely get to see him as it is. He hasn’t always made the time for me and now I need to do the same. We also did the long distance thing at the beginning of our relationship and while it wasn’t easy, we made it work and I think it made our relationship stronger.

        I understand completely where he is coming from and know that he must be worrying about how this is going to work. What frustrates me is that he can’t verbalize this and instead has been taking it out on me in other ways.

      • I’d be devastated if my partner moved that far away without immediate plans to move back to be with me. I’m surprised you focus on the competitive grad school aspect rather than on the implications this move will have on your relationship.

        • Divaliscious11 :

          No you wouldn’t, you’d be fine. You might be sad, and miss your partner, but you talk on the phone, skype and text, and travel back and forth as necessary…..

      • Divaliscious11 :

        Moving for school is wholly different then moving for a job, and even that isn’t so bad if its discussed and part of a larger plan. Clearly they both were applying for grad programs etc…. so it doesn’t sound like it was unilateral. Married people make these kinds of decisions all the time and the world doesn’t end. Proximity doesn’t define a marriage.

        OP – yes, it sounds like he is trying to process your getting into school and his not. Its fine for him to be disappointed, frustrated and all of those things, but it is not fine for him to take it out on you, and you should feel free to call him on it. That’s part of loving someone too, not letting them kick you because he is down. He will get through his resentment, and it would be awful if he came through it, only to discover he’s crapped on you the whole time. You don’t deserve it. Besides your doing an MBA – 2 years – people deal with far longer separations all the time. Your going to school, not to a war zone, or on a cruise.

        • Kontraktor :

          Have you ever endured a prolonged separation from your spouse? If not, I think this is coming off as rather blase and naive. If so, I guess tell me your tips and tricks because I’m going on 8 years now of not being in the same place as my husband (we just moved in together, but he deployed again recently and this has again reset our clock), and I feel pretty cruddy and horrible about it most of the time. It’s not this easy, at least for me, so if you know something I don’t, please share.

          • LadyEnginerd :

            I think Diva isn’t trying to say it’s easy – she’s saying that they have the capability to see each other fairly often on weekends, unlike a deployment. I’m currently living 3 hours away and exchanging weekends with my SO, but it’s really not nearly as bad as being deployed or somewhere you can’t actually jump in the car and get there in a reasonable amount of time. If I were in her shoes with the 6 hour drive and MBA (which often doesn’t have classes on Friday), we’d be able to carve out at least 1 weekend of quality time per month, if not every other weekend. That’s much, much more manageable than an extended deployment, and my parents pulled off something similar back before cell phones, skype, etc when they had small children.

            Heck, if the OP gets an MBA internship in the same city as her husband, then we’re talking two nine-month stints of separation. Difficult, but it has a finite end and I can see this being much easier on them psychologically because she will constantly be taking concrete steps towards furthering their lives together in their hometown (networking to acquire internship in hometown, then working internship in hometown, and then taking full-time offer in hometown) instead of open-ended separation with no finite end.

            This comes with a caveat: OP, you say you want to focus 100% on classwork and networking, but what does that really mean? If your long-term goal is an MBA-level position in the place you currently live with your husband, depending on your industry it might be wise to be planning monthly trips home that overlap a weekday so you can take meetings and build your network in the city in which you ultimately would like to live.

          • LadyEnginerd – having been in a LDR, 3 hours is SO much different than 6 hours. I would not balk at all at 3hrs (provided I was consulted), but six is … well, it eats up half a weekend just getting to and from.

          • Divaliscious11 :

            Actually, yes I have – in the 13 years we’ve been together we’ve only been in the same state/country for 1 full year at a time, so I speak from experience, not from speculation.

            First, we understand that there is a huge difference between not being in the same place, and separation. We are TOGETHER, just not always in the same state, or country. We decided that instead of looking at his work assignments as a negative, we focus on that is his job and are not in any way a reflection of how we feel about each other. That doesn’t mean we don’t miss each other, or that the logistics of often functioning like a single mom don’t get frustrating, but at no time do I ever think he’s “left me behind.”

            And I probably am blase about it now, because I remember having $2000 a month phone bills when he was in Europe, whereas now there is internet, skype, cheap phone cards etc….. which makes daily communication very easy. Even now, he is back in the US but a 10 hour drive away, and we see him every month.

            Is this our long term plan? No. Do we have a plan in place to be in the same place- Absolutely? But right now, my job is here and his job is there…. But two years, to be in school, and a morning drive away is not that big a deal. I know lots of women doing this and its really about attitude because the logistics are manageable.

            I should also say that I am not the clingy type who gave up all my own interests after I got married, so when my husband is home, he gets my focus, and when he’s not not I do the things I like to do, but between work, the kids, community service etc… there isn’t much time for sad sitting in the house.

            Oh, and hi to all my friends who now know who I am, but I think it was important to explain that this is doable, two years is not a lifetime and that I wasn’t being “naive.”

    • Well, this may not be what you want to hear, but to me, this is a decision that should be made together based on what is best for the fmaily, though from your post it sounds like you made it on your own (I may be reading it wrong). I mean, if my husband decided that it was best for him to move to another city and I wasnt behind the decision, I would be upset too. I think you need to talk to him and figure out what is really best for the family. If the answer is that you going to this school without him, for the limited 2 years or whatever business school is, then fine. That joint decision will likely make you feel less “guilty” and hopefully make him feel like you two are doing the right thing.

      • Agree with anon and anon3L. You called it your decision, but seperating with that much distance should really be a joint decision. It does kind of seem like you are leaving him behind. I think you should schedule some time to talk to him about it.

    • I don’t have any specific advice on what to say to him, but I do think if you don’t get it worked out before you are supposed to move, then you should not move/go to school this year. Try to defer a year and get things sorted out with your husband on your ideas for your respective career paths. I cannot advocate for putting yourself before your marriage in this situation.

    • ChocCityB&R :

      He’s going through a tough time, I’d recommend rather than offering to help him better his situation, you show appreciation for him and his situation, and don’t spend too much time talking about how happy you are that you are “moving forward.” It sounds to me that as a father with two full-time jobs, he is most certainly not standing still. He is working, incredibly hard, and still had the time to apply to graduate programs. To not get into one is a crushing blow, and his self-esteem is probably a bit bruised. From the way you describe the situation, I would guess that your reaction and attitude toward him hasn’t done much to help with his self-esteem and stress level from the aforementioned jobs and parenting responsibilities.

      The approach shouldn’t be about how to make him understand, or help with his job search, it should be about showing him appreciation and kindness in a tough time (heck, he’s going to have to deal with all this knowing that he won’t get to see you as often, which will certainly lead to greater stress) and make sure he knows that you leaving for grad school isn’t you moving forward without him, or moving on from him, because you love him and want to be by his side, not out in front of him (of course that must be true). Then try not too talk much about how exciting it will be for you to start your new top tier grad program 6 hours away.

      That’s my two cents.

    • K... in transition :

      I think the others have covered the idea of his behavior coming from his feelings about you moving away from the family unit. Another idea, assuming that you’re planning to remain in the marriage, what if you try to help him see how your move benefits the family, how you’re collectively moving forward?

      • D Train South :

        This. I think he needs to feel like he, too, is going to get something out of the sacrifice he’s making. I am sure, since this bothers you, that your goal is to help the family unit. However, the tone of your post makes me wonder whether you’ve communicated the idea that this decision is for the common good, not just the betterment of you, with the betterment of him being his solo, continuing struggle.
        If you have the time and resources, you may want to float the idea of getting some counseling before you go for the purpose of getting some tools to ensure you spend the next two years supporting each other well, even if from a distance. A counselor can help you work out the current issues, plus give you those tools to maintain a strong relationship under this kind of stress.

    • If I was your husband I’d be snippy too, because I get snippy when my husband leaves for a week long business trip. I doubt that it’s just about the job and his career. Its also about you leaving, your marriage becoming long distance, and frankly about feeling a bit abandoned (even if he is presumably supporting you in what you want to do — which is probably why he doesn’t want to talk about it).

      Have you tried to discuss that part of it head on? Do you have an established plan for how often and who is going to visit and how you will communicate otherwise?

      Finally, have you considered seeing a therapist just to try to talk about some of these issues with a third-party neutral. Because its easy for you to see it from your perspective (yay all these great things are happening for me and he’s not supporting me) but from his prospective its totally different (boo, I’m losing my wife for two years and she expects me to be happy about it.) Sometimes those things are hard to see without a third person in the room.

      • Merabella :

        I agree with this. I think part of it is just feeling abandoned, and going through the stages of that. Dr. Jenn Berman (of Couples Therapy on VH1 Fame – which is my guilty pleasure) has a radio show and tweeted about this recently. I think you should look up info for men and women in the military going on leave and the kinds of things they do to keep up their marriages, it is a somewhat similar situation and may be helpful.

        I would also cut your husband some slack. It is hard to have your spouse move away for any reason at all, because you went into it thinking that you would be together – add on top of that bruised ego and disappointment from his own grad school applications and that magnifies it. And you mentioned he had a daughter where he is, did he also have a previous marriage? He might be afraid that of rejection/abandonment from that aspect as well.

    • Anonymous :

      I also don’t mean to be mean, but I think if you are feeling guilty about putting yourself first, it is for a good reason. The way I look at things is that I put my marriage first. Now sometimes what is best for my marriage (looking long-term, not short term) is to put me first. But sometimes what is best for my marriage (again, long-term) is for me to make sacrifices. My husband works off the same approach.

      I would not move away unless my husband was 100% on board with it. That doesn’t mean I would completely give up my plans or dreams — it just means I would figure out how to make them work in a way that is compatible with being married. This could mean putting off B-School for a year, rethinking the program, agreeing to be away only M-F, etc.

      Also, having done a graduate degree with a husband and kids, I don’t think that dedicating yourself 100% to networking and studying is either necessary or wise. You didn’t decide to do this as a single person, and I don’t think it is fair that you want to act like a single person for the next two years. There will be things you will miss out on by not being 100% dedicated to school, but there will be benefits you get from being part of a solid relationship as well.

      If you and your husband are supportive of one another’s goals, then I think you can find a way to make this work without either of you needing to “give in.”

      • this.

      • Agree 100% with this. I also notice your language when you say he isn’t “taking any useful steps to change things.” It looks like he applied to programs, but was not accepted. The words you use seem full of judgment. Perhaps he also senses what seems like your disappointment in him?

    • Hey MCA- just wanted to throw in a couple of words slightly different than most posters here…

      I posted a couple of days ago about my reluctance to marriage, and included the fact that I moved to a different city than my boyfriend, and the immediate reaction from the hive was that I need to let him go. I think there were a lot of wrong assumptions in those suggestions, and I think I might have been in a similar situation (although unmarried, but in a very long term relationship).

      SO and I have been dating since college. SO got his bachelors, while I went on to law school. When I made the decision to move, it was something we talked about, and there was a possibility of me staying behind, but in the end, if we were to end up together, my move was important for me to grow in my career and, thus, better support our future family. The plan was (and is) that he is following me in the somewhat near future, though overall, we will likely spend closer to 2 years apart.

      It was our decision, and he absolutely supported me in moving on, but he stayed behind in his same job, failed to get into his preferred grad program, and felt stunted. Life was rocky for a while, mostly because I was out experiencing all new things, while he was in the same world, but without me. What finally helped was suggesting that he try to grow in other ways instead of focusing on trying to move his career forward. I was already handling that aspect for our family. He joined some community organizations, and became really involved. It helped him to a) cut himself some slack for the recent turn of events in his career, and 2) feel like he was moving forward with his life, too. It also made the phone conversations easier when I was really excited about my new city, because he had new stuff going on to be excited about, too.

      Good luck with it all!

      • Follow up: I commented to the effect of “if you’d move, leave him entirely,” but it was because I misunderstood your situation. I (wrongly) assumed that when you said you’d move, you’d do so without ANY regard for the long-term boyfriend’s feelings/any discussion as to what was best for the couple as a unit.

        Obviously that assumption was not correct on my part. What makes me pause about situations where one partner moves and the other doesn’t is when it is done with a lack of communication or consideration of the other partner’s feelings (even if ultimately the partner still moves b/c it is best for him/her or the couple as a whole, long term).

        That said, having done the long-distance thing, I can understand why this OP’s husband is feeling upset. Even if he’s agreed that this is the best course of action (not clear from the OP’s post), it’s still really, really hard to have the person you love move that far away, especially after a marriage.

        I’m not saying OP is making a bad decision or is being a bad spouse, etc. I’d just cut her husband some slack for his reaction.

        • I totally understand the misunderstanding (heh)

          I’m just bringing it up because I can totally see it happening that the couple come to a decision, and the one staying behind struggle with it more than the one leaving. I just wanted OP to know she was not alone, and bring up the issue that agreeing that it is the best decision for both parties doesn’t make it easy.

          In short, I think we are on the same page. :)

          • Sounds like it!

            Oh, and in case I haven’t said so – hoping for the best for both you and the OP. Having been on both sides of this in my current situation, it’s just hard and emotional.

      • It wasn’t about the fact that you moved without him. Sometimes, that absolutely is the right decision. But you said that right now, not married, you would pick up and move for a dream job. But if you were married or engaged, you wouldn’t without considering the other person. So in your mind marriage was this thing that fundementally changed the relationship, when really if you are together for that long and that serious, it should be treated like a marriage anyway. You admitted you didn’t, and it seemed like you didn’t want to get married because you wanted to keep him at arms length. It seemed like it wasn’t marriage that was the problem, it was the relationship (ie you didnt want to take the next step forward emotionally)

        • Kontraktor :

          Completely agree with this. This was exactly how I read the situation as well.

          Anon456, I think this statement will apply to the poster here as well, but I think commenters do try their best to give advice based on the information given. There might be ‘incorrect assumptions,’ but only because internet posters only know a poster’s situation by what is in the post and the tone the information conveys. We don’t know anybody or their situation in depth. So, people here can offer unbiased, raw advice based on the very holistic presentation of the situation, but if that advice is curt or unexpected, I don’t think it’s because people are trying to be mean or or taking their opinions totally from left field: I think it’s because they are reacting to the information that is in front of them in the post.

          • I agree. I am just adding to it in case the same misunderstandings were being made here. Just trying to offer a different opinion.

        • can we not delve back into my issues? There were misunderstandings involved. I talked to him first! He knows! GAH!

          And for the record, my sense of marriage is that I would not want to move away from my partner. That is how we view marriage. In this case, I am accepting the fact that not every marriage works the same way, and in terms of keeping a long term relationship going strong, I thought I might be able to share from my experience.

          I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with our relationship. I think there is something illogical about my reluctance toward marriage. In truth, I want nothing more to spend the rest of my life with this man. I only struggle (illogically) at going through the motions. That is all. Oh, and he know this. We are on the same page.

          • Can I just say the more you update it actually seems logical? You don’t want to have to sacrifice for him (and I mean that in a non judgy way) But this is why people said to move on, because he would move for you but you wouldn’t want to have to move for him. And your using marriage as this artifical baratomer (married people don’t move away from their partner) But marriage seriously is just a piece of paper. whats much more important is how you feel. I dont think there is anything at all wrong with your relationship, but your idea about marriage is what’s a little weird. For many people, nothing, not one single thing, changes when they go from non married to married. The reason you seem reluctant about it as you seem to put expectations on it (once i get married i can’t move away) vs. the expectations on you now. Its obvious you think that marriage means certain things have to change, but many people dont feel that way and thats why you got those kind of comments, because i think its rare to have your view that there is kind of an actual ball and chain that comes with a ceremony that doesnt come with a long term relationship. meant no disrespect at all in my posts.

          • Understood. Thanks for clarifying! (I mentioned below, but I’ve had a rough work week so I might just be talking crazy)

            We have talked endlessly about marriage, and what it means to the two of us, and what we are both sacrificing, etc. It is a different definition, but we both come from extremely conservative, traditional families. As in, both sets of parents were married in their teens and have never been apart, and that is what we both know and are comfortable with. We have both faced challenges of bridging our successes and experiences with our traditional home life, and coming to terms with doing things differently than the rest of our family, and we have come to some agreements that make us both comfortable. Honestly, this is probably where the anxiety comes from. And we have talked about marriage and our respective expectations so much that I probably lost sight that it isn’t the “norm.”

            So yea, we are weirdos. But we found each other. :) Thanks so much for following up.

    • Several people have already commented on making this move as a married person and what that might mean for the family, and for his feelings, etc. Lots of good advice there and things to mull over. If you move forward with the decision, I would advice you to talk about specifics on how you will make the long-distance work. Some things to consider:

      – Will you talk everyday on the phone? If so, for how long? Do you prefer phone or Skype?
      – How often will you visit each other? Who will be making the trip?
      – Will you have to study or will he have to work during visit time? Can you come to an agreement that you will prepare ahead of time for visiting time so its quality time with the two of you?
      – What is the longest amount of time you are willing to go without seeing each other (2 weeks? 1 month?) Can you come to an agreement that you will see each other at least once every whatever no matter what?
      – Is the plan for him to eventually move to your new city? Should he be looking for jobs there? Or will you be looking to move back? Set a time for when you will start talking about this (before recruitment season) if you haven’t had that conversation.

      Many of these questions probably seem too specific, but its so important to talk about them. I would have saved myself and partner many, many hours of being upset and frustrated if we had discussed our expectations for a long-distance relationship ahead of time.

    • Thanks for the input on cutting him some slack. I agree and the tone of what I wrote was probably not the best- simply venting. We know what it’s like to do long distance and also what it is like to be living in the same house and also on completely different schedules- we rarely see each other now. We have made plans on how frequently we will see each other and who will visit when. We talked several times a day on the phone now and this will surely increase when I move. I am by no means cutting him from my life when I move.

      We have talked about how this will improve both of our lives and have talked about dreams for the future. I know he is making a big sacrifice for me but I didn’t get married to give up my life either. We are a team but we are both also capable of living our own lives. I have told him numerous times that I support any decision he makes and that should he find a better career in a different state/different part of the country, I would support it.

      • Kontraktor :

        As somebody who has spent entirely too much time away from her husband (and with this clarifying information), I would say that the best thing you can do right now is show and tell your husband how much you love him. What irritates me the most about my husband before he is preparing to leave is when he seems not very bothered by it and goes about his business acting like he won’t miss me or it won’t be hard. I know he doesn’t feel that way, but for me, it hurts when his outward actions demonstrate that. So, I would say to make sure you are telling your husband how much you love him, showering him with affection, telling him how much you appreciate his support. I happen to like this (not sure if you guys do), but I find it helpful when we talk about the first time we’ll see each other, when and how we’ll buy plane tickets, how we’ll Skype all the time. I find it helps me to know 100% that we are commited to seeing and spending time with each other because we are talking about our plans like they are hard facts.

        Another thing we’ll do that lessens the sting of being apart: talking about improbable, distant things like they will 100% happen soon. Like, we will talk all the time about when we get and remodel a house, even though that’s probably years away. Or when we’re apart, we’ll talk about the meals we want to cook together, the farmers markets we want to visit, the vacations we’ll take. Again, it makes it seem like the distance is not so permanent because you’re talking facts about every day life like they really aren’t all that far off.

        But, all I can reiterate is to be completely selfless in love right now. You may have the green light to be more self-focussed on your career, but in my opinion, that must absolutely be given back with lots of love and whatever he needs from you to show him how much he means to you.

      • The other thing that no-one has really raised yet is that the experience is very different for the person staying at home vs. the person who is going away. I’ve been on both sides of this situation. If you are the person who is going away, you are going on an Adventure. You will have lots of new things going on, be meeting new people, getting used to a new environment, etc. Even if it is stressful, it is stressful in an exciting way. However, if you are the person staying home, your life remains the same on a day-to-day basis…only it is emptier, because the person you love isn’t there. So I completely support what Kontraktor has said, but also what previous posters have suggested about your husband taking up a new hobby or other activity – it may help him to make some changes in his life that will take some of the emphasis off the fact that you are not there. Just remember that for him, the experience will probably be more difficult than it is for you.

        • Agree with this — it’s also been my experience that LD is harder on the person left behind than the person who’s establishing new routines in a new place. It helps to keep this in mind….

        • Completely agreed. I’ve been on both sides. I didn’t realize until I was the one left behind how hard it is.

      • Anon for this :

        My husband and I have both been gone for extended periods during our marriage, and we agree that being the one left behind is by far the toughest role. For the last many years, it’s been him gone a lot and me at home. I will tell you that the thing that helps the most is for him to appreciate that he is making the choice to leave, and acknowledging that it requires sacrifices on my part that are not of my choosing. When we run into trouble, it’s when he takes the attitude of “hey — it’s my job and I have no control over it!”. Uh, no. There is always a choice, so own that choice.

        I also have to say that if I were in your husband’s place, I would not respond well at all to being told “Hey, Bud! I didn’t marry you to give up my own life,” with the implied “so suck it up!”

        My prescription is for you to do your best to put yourself in his place and dispense copious amounts of empathy and support, while going very easy on the suggestions and helpful hints about his career and education.

      • Hi MCA, I am very sympathetic about the venting part. I went through similar when I relocated to pursue a wonderful job opportunity – my husband was utterly supportive in theory but still had a lot of anxiety to work through in practice, and keeping him cheerful did sometimes feel like an additional task on my long to-do list. Some thoughts :
        – You say you’ve already talked this through plenty. So let the talking part go. There is unlikely to be very much you can say at this point to make either of you feel better. Instead, don’t let your feeling of guilt get in the way of making the most of the next few weeks together, doing stuff which hopefully represents the best of what you enjoy about each other.
        – Can you plan that you both head over to your new location together to ‘settle you in’ or else that he visits within the first couple of weekends ? This is a good way for you both to feel like you are experiencing the new phase in your lives as a couple. And the reality will be that you’ll need a hand with the move and he’ll probably enjoy a weekend away.
        – It really helped my husband and I that we spoke daily (and it was always on me to call). This was even when things got busy – we would step out of work dinners to do a quick version of our nightly call. As it happened, I really did miss him enormously, and kept saying so, and I think he somewhat lapped it all up.
        – Remember that he is probably self-conscious in front of his peers about the gap between his own progress and his wife’s upwards trajectory. Go out of your way to express how lucky you are that you have his generous support to pursue your dream when around his friends and family. Repeat as necessary when you introduce him to your new friends.

        Hope this helps and good luck.

  9. Wanna Be Ex-Pat :

    Ladies, I need interview advice! Before I left my year-long internship, I applied for a full time position over in the UK. I had my first phone interview while still there, they asked me salary and possible start date questions, and my second phone interview is scheduled for next week and I’m absolutely freaking out!!! I’ve never wanted a job this bad and am taking it as a good sign that I’ve made it to the second round. Before any of you mention it, I’m very well aware that I will not get this job and am preparing myself accordingly.

    I’ve been combing through possible interview questions as well as making notes about everything on my resume but I’m still nervous. As an American with EU citizenship, I don’t need a visa. I need to find the wording to convey that I am ready to relocate without any doubt. I have been dreaming about his opportunity since I was ten years old. Any ways to do this other than mentioning that? And for the hiring managers out there, what are the top questions I should prepare for?

    Thank you so much!!!

    • How about: My bags are packed, I’m ready to go. I’m standing here, outside your door. I hate to wake you up to say good-bye…..

      Say basically what you just said, but maybe a little less…eager and you’ll be fine!

    • Former Californian :

      My husband is currently interviewing for jobs in southern California and we are living out of state. I’m an L.A. native, but it’s clear he’s never lived there and prospective employers seem concerned to see if he really knows what it’s all about—in terms of cost of living, geography, potential commutes. For him, demonstrating his knowledge of the area has been helpful. If he interviews for a job in Orange County and they ask where he plans to live, he knows which cities/freeways to mention (e.g. not Santa Monica/the 101). So far, every person he’s talked to has asked where he plans to live.

      Oh, and if the goal is the job or the city and you are fine paying relocation costs, find a way to make it clear that the moving is on you, not them. I’m sure some would disagree with that advice, but if your goal is about getting to place X don’t play hard ball in terms of expecting them to fly you out for interviews, pay movers, set up short-term housing, etc. Many companies are not in the position to do so, given the current financial climate, and you don’t want to become the #2 candidate only because of your current geography.

      Good luck!

    • No reason not to say that this is your dream job, and oh, by the way, you are a dual US-[name of country] citizen so they won’t need to sponsor your for a visa. Seems to me like these are two things the employer will be happy to hear!

    • I agree with others, and I’d encourage you to make your enthusiasm for the job as plain to them as it is to us! They already know where you are, right? So you can bet that relocation will be a topic of conversation without you bringing it up. When they ask if you’re willing to relocate, don’t be afraid to be enthusiastic! Mention that it’s your goal/dream to relocate to the UK, that you are already a dual citizen, and that you’ll be overseas as quickly as they want/need you to be (assuming you can do that). Good luck!!

    • I second the “mention the dual-citizenship” advice. I was all set to move to the UK for a job and then the visa requirements changed. No fun.

  10. Blazer question! :

    Are rolled up sleeves on blazers unprofessional?

    In addition to liking the look of rolled sleeves for casual wear, I am somewhat petite and roll the sleeves up on several of my blazers to avoid the inconvenience of alterations. I work for a business casual professional services firm, and am client-facing only when occasionally visiting clients at their (likely equivalent or more casual attire) offices. Thus far I’ve worn my rolled sleeve blazers to the office, but would probably not feel comfortable wearing them to client meetings, even though a blazer layer is probably more formal than a cardigan-blouse combination, which is what I typically wear for those meetings. Any thoughts from the hive?

    • I like the look as long as the lining looks good and its neat. It does not count as formal professional, but if sweaters are ok than rolled sleeved blazers are I think

    • I think they’re ok for business casual offices, especially if the lining looks cool. But this is a know-your-office kinda thing.

    • I roll the sleeves on my blazers and suit jackets all the time. I think the look is a bit more casual than un-rolled, but I don’t see it as a big deal. Some of my blazers have really cute linings and I like the look of rolled sleeves better.

    • I’m in the same boat and rock the rolled up sleeves all the time, although not in court or client meetings. I do agree that it would be more formal (and authoritative!) in a client meeting, but perhaps have just one altered so you have a perfectly formal suit you feel comfortable in? Then you can roll to your heart’s (and your budget’s) content in general, but look your best and most formal when you need to?

      In general, though, roll away, so long as it’s neat.

    • phillygirlruns :

      i cuff the sleeves of my blazers frequently because i like how it looks, but would not do it as a substitute for alterations.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Team Rolled Sleeves all the way!

  11. Quick: what are your favorite $100 3.5-inch, at least moderately comfortable heels? (each of these could be + or – a little.)

    • The most comfortable and still stylish shoes I own are the ones I have on today. I get compliments on them constantly. They are black, a tall wedge (4 1/2″), they are open-toed, although the front is shaped really well around my foot, which is partly what makes them so comfortable. They have a back then thick crisscross straps that buckle. The wedge is rubber but made to look like wood, which is what else makes them so comfortable. All in all, the best $90 I ever spent (Nine West, bought at Macy’s at Metro Center in DC 2 years ago).

    • And I should say that I know this may not be what you were looking for – more conservative office means nothing like what I described.

    • So, I have a pair of Rockports with stacked heels that are shaped very much like these:


      that are no longer available (but were recommended by Kat.) And if comfort is your first priority, look for a shape like this. They are the MOST comfortable heel I have ever owned. But, as people pointed out the day Kat recommended them, they can tend a bit Queen Mumsy. But I think they kind of add a little fun dowdiness when the rest of my outfit has flair…if that makes sense. And they are comfy (note these are my rock ports, can’t attest to the brand above…but the stacked heel is what I meant).

      • Looking at the shape (and knowing the brand) I bet these would be comfy:


    • I think your best bet is to look for shoes that are on sale. E.g., Cole Haan is often marked down to that price. Other brands that I find to make comfy heels that can be found in that price range are Via Spiga and Franco Sartro. I was also shocked to discover that ivanka trump actually makes a few nice and comfortable shoes.
      And I have a pair of surprisingly comfortable heels from some company called BP, that I got at a Nordstrom Rack at around $20, that are awesome. Really basic brown heels but I can walk around in them for hours.

      • Seattleite :

        BP stands for “Brass Plum,” Nordstrom’s juniors department and in-house brand.

        • Thanks! Every time I wear these shoes, I think to myself I need more like them & then I forget. This helps.

    • a passion for fashion :

      in that price range, i have to say any of my Enzos. Though I still swear by stuart weitzmans and would suggest looking for a pair to come on sale. they will last forever and are so, so comfortable at any height.

      • Totally agree – Enzo Angiolini shoes just fit my feet.

        • PharmaGirl :

          Same here. Love them to pieces. (And bought all of mine on sale at department stores or TJ Maxx.)

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Crazy comfortable PLUS on sale for $112.


      • Yep, these are what you’re looking for. Occasionally they go on sale for less than $100, but you have to really pounce.

      • I tried these on and they are just a little bit tight in the toe box. Will they stretch at all?

        • I go up half size in Cole Haan. They’re tight.

        • momentsofabsurdity :

          I don’t think mind have stretched much since buying them (but mine weren’t tight to begin with so maybe I haven’t been stretching them?). I bought 1/2 size up since I’m between sizes.

    • Cole Haan Air Violet 90. They’re on sale today at 6pm starting at $75: http://www.6pm.com/cole-haan-air-violet-pump-90-black-textured

      • I have these :) The textured ones have a little bit stiffer leather than the plain black leather (which are butter soft). The sides of the shoes hit the arch side of my foot a little bit weird, and because the leather is stiffer, it rubs a little. But it doesn’t stop me from wearing them :)

    • Hayden Harnett tri-color pumps, bought on clearance for under $70.
      They don’t make shoes anymore. FOOEY on them!

    • I really love my Tahari pumps. I have them in patent leather black and nude. They are so comfortable, I feel like I could run in them. I also love the Ivanka Trump Amoro pumps – but they are a bit above your price range.

      • Here is a link to the Tahari pumps. Looks like they are on sale! http://www.dsw.com/shoe/tahari+colette+pump?prodId=218339&cm_mmc=GPS-_-all-_-Tahari-_-218339&mr:trackingCode=843E0EAF-855D-E111-AF97-001B2163195C&mr:referralID=NA

      • Ooh, I tried these on at Loehmanns a while ago. They were incredibly comfortable and cute – patent bright red! I did not really need red shoes at that time so I passed… but maybe I’ll get them in nude.

    • still need a handle :

      Ann Taylor perfect pumps when they’re on sale at 40% off (which they are every month or so). I’ve been buying them for years, in an assortment of colors, and they are the most comfortable pumps I have ever worn (even at 3.5″)–more comfortable than my Nine West, Talbots, or Cole Haan pumps.

    • Thanks everyone! I just bought the Air Talias and also the Ann Taylor Perfect Leather Pumps (they’re having 40% off full priced shoes today!!) and I will see which ones fit better. Can’t wait!

      • Going for it :

        It may be too late, but the Perfect Pump runs large. You should definitely size down. (While I find the that Cole Haan runs large and I need to size up, especially with closed toe.) I have both, and I have to say I love the Ann Taylor shoe. The most comfortable heel of that height that I own!!! (and before that my Cole Haans were my most comfotable) Hopefully you love both!

  12. Jump ship... :

    Fellow lawyers, I need your insight on job prospects down the line…

    About a month ago, I developed an idea for a web startup. I ran it by some people, got some great feedback, and I started planning it more. I happened to talk with a friend from college about it — someone who’s had success with his own startup — and we agreed that it was something we want to work on together.

    If we go forward, and the product gains traction after testing, I’ll have to quit my job in order to devote the time necessary to really go for it. And of course, that’s where my hestitation lies — there is a significant probability that the plan will fail (as there is for any startup) and I’ll have to re-enter the legal job market.

    I want to know if anyone has any views on what the job prospects are for a lawyer who left biglaw as a junior attorney to develop a company that didn’t work out. Would firms avoid me because there’s a gap in my legal experience? Would it depend on whether the firm was big or small? Would anyone want me? Assume that other factors — law school rank and GPA, clerkship, etc., are good.

    • Midwesterner :

      I don’t have any advice but I do have a little inspiration.


    • Would you be able to serve as the start-up’s in-house attorney in addition to your other roles?

    • Constance Justice :

      I did something similar, and was hired by a new firm. It probably varies by the firm, but mine actually appreciated it. The partner I work most closely with said something along the lines of “a good attorney isn’t afraid to take risks.”

      Also, for what its worth, find myself going to a lot of startup panels just so I can learn how the whole building a business process works so I can better understand my smaller clients. If I were looking at a resume with that experience, I would see it as a gold nugget! I can’t promise every attorney feels the same, but I hope this comforts you a little. :)

    • Mary Ann Singleton :

      We have an attorney at my firm who was ex-big law, did his own start-up for a while and it didn’t work out, and now he’s back at (sort of) big law. We do a lot of early stage company work so his start-up experience is very much valued.

    • I work in Silicon Valley in corporate biglaw. It’s N=not that uncommon for attys to leave and come back to biglaw (and tout that on their bio as if to say, “I understand your issues”), but most of the time, they won’t come back to biglaw. I’m not sure if it’s due to barriers to entry or that startup life is just better–less biglaw BS!

  13. Networking Issue :

    Networking mistake — I reached out to a former senior associate at the end of last year saying happy holidays and that I’d be in touch after the new year to discuss career issues, if he didn’t mind me picking his brain. He responded quickly and was very gracious – gave me his cell, was happy to talk etc. Fast-forward 6 months – I didn’t reach out for a variety of reasons — was suddenly unsure of my position at my current job (his former biglaw firm) and had to spend a lot of time talking to people here, was miserable and anxious re my current job to the point that I wasn’t functioning efficiently, and got staffed on a crazy matter which was 24-7 for 2-3 months etc. In short, it was a mistake on my part. I recently saw a posting for a job at his co. which interests me. I applied on my own and then reached out to him by email and asked if he had any intelligence (I don’t expect he would – different divisions) and said that I have been meaning to reach out but was crazy on a case and would love to speak by phone or get lunch. No response – it’s been a week. I don’t blame him. But should I attempt to just call at some point? That way if he sounds interested, I’ll know and if he doesn’t, I’ll know to move on. I don’t want to be overly pushy but also don’t want to let a good contact go bc I was too embarassed about a mistake. Right now I’m not sure if this is an intentional thing or he’s too busy to deal with it right now thing (which is plausible bc his entire co. is massively busy with legal matters right now).

    • K... in transition :

      I’d say there’s no harm in calling once. Apologize again for taking so long to set up getting together to chat and see how he responds.

    • Totes McGotes :

      If you’ve already waited a week, I would call. His inbox may have been swamped and he either didn’t see your message or meant to get back to you and forgot.

  14. SpaceMountain :

    I found a cheap pair of Birk-like sandals at Target a couple of years ago that are just as comfy as my 2 pairs of true Birks. Search Target for Capelli T-strap. Unfortunate color choices, however.

  15. Okay, many of you regulars already figured this out earlier in the week, but I’m happy to say that I’ll be 12 weeks pregnant on Sunday!

    Mostly, I’m telling all of you as a followup to early spring, when I miscarried and you all were so lovely and supportive but also totally 100% clear that not telling my husband was not an option. So thanks for the love from you guys.

    I’ve been barfing (a lot) and already have a beer belly (its #2) but am otherwise feeling good. It’s much better to be pregnant as an attending surgeon rather than a resident one!

    Thanks again everyone!

  16. My JSFAMO mug finally showed up at my office! Hurray!! Thanks again, mamabear, for setting that up!!

    • I'm Just Me :

      Mine shipped yesterday. I’m off today, but hope to be sipping coffee at work from it early next week.

  17. Follow up? :

    Hive, I could use some advice. I applied for a job that closely resembles a dream job for me, and I think I’m well-qualified. I followed up with HR and ended up speaking directly to the recruiter, who told me they had my resume and would be conducting interviews in a few weeks.

    Fast forward two weeks, the posting is now down and I assume they will be moving forward with interviews soon.

    Do I follow up again to reiterate my interest, or is that overkill when I’ve already spoken to them once? Help!

    • Former MidLevel :

      I think it would be overkill. Be patient. And good luck.

    • Do you know anyone who works in the company? Now is the time to see if you can access your network to get a good word put in for yourself. But no, I wouldn’t re-contact the HR person, especially since they might not even be making the decision about who to bring in.

    • Don’t follow up with HR yet, two weeks is not that long, they are probably making calls to set up interviews soon. Following up with HR will just be irritating.

      But I agree with TCFKAG, if you have other connections to work for follow up, then do that. But don’t harass HR yet.

      • Follow up? :

        Thank you everyone! I suppose I will wait, which is what I knew I should do so it’s good to hear it confirmed so unequivocally. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone at the company so I can’t really reach out to a contact.

        And, really, thanks for calling it “harrassing” HR – that certainly gives me a different perspective on how they would view additional contact at this point.

      • I wouldn’t think that one phone call in 2 weeks would be harrassing. I would think a phone call to let them know you are still very interested in the position and is there anything you need to do would be a good idea. I’m sure that they would like to hire someone who is very interested in the position. This just might be the perfect time to let them know

        • I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but if the HR person originally said “a few weeks” and this is only 2 weeks from then, it is harassing a little bit. It’s just too soon. Following up to show you’re still interested might be ok by email, but even then, I would wait a little bit. And see Ask a Manager for more advice on follow up, she has a whole category on this. askamanager[dot]org /category/ job-search-following-up (take out the spaces)

          You really need to give them more time to get through their process, if/when they reach out to you for an interview, you will have a chance to express you are very interested in the position.

  18. Challenged Writer :

    Does anyone have any advice on how to become a better writer? Either in general or specifically for legal writing would be great. I am a good proofreader for things like spelling and making sure that references are correct and that consistent terminology is used, but I’m a terrible writer. I somehow escaped school without ever learning the parts of speech and I’ve always had trouble with grammar. Someone mentioned diagramming sentences earlier and i think that might help since i have trouble with the basics, but I don’t know the rules on how to do that. On top of that though, I feel like my writing is not clear or persuasive when I need it to be. I’m open to ideas for classes, books, techniques I can use, etc. seriously, anything would help. Thanks so much in advance!

    • Former MidLevel :

      I thought these were some good suggestions (from someone who is a great writer): http://law.marquette.edu/facultyblog/2011/01/04/recommended-legal-writing-reads-from-judge-easterbrook/

    • SpaceMountain :

      Listen to the Grammar Girl podcast when you can. She’s great.

    • I would check out Plain English for Lawyers. It’s short, easy to absorb, really clear, and provides tips that you can incorporate into your writing right away.

    • I’ve heard great things about Brian Garner’s seminars, if you’re at a firm that is willing to pay for one.

    • The Elements of Style by William Strunk!
      It’s not lawyer specific, but it is *the* guide to writing. (My great-uncle taught high school composition from it for decades, and I have several editions.) It contains the basics and detailed instructions on how to make your writing stronger. If you feel like you have gaps in your language knowledge, I suggest picking it up.

      I think there’s a Kindle version out now, and libraries always have a few copies.

    • Is there someone in your firm you can ask about legal writing training? The best way to improve your writing is to practice. There’s no substitute. Perhaps if there is enough interest, your employer could conduct training for multiple years of attorneys (and lawyers can always use a refresher course!).

      Short of that, read anything by Bryan Garner. Search out CLE’s on effective legal writing.

    • Read Hemmingway and Joan Didion. Also, Bryan Garner has several books.

      I did not learn to write until law school and I had a merciless psychopath of a professor. But, that was the advice she gave me.

  19. OK, I’m gonna take you up on your offer to call you crazy, Kat.

    Birkenstocks? Stylish?

    You crazy.

    • Former MidLevel :

      I’m with you, mamabear.

    • Ha, I was just gonna post “crazy” and see if anyone got it.

    • yup

    • +1 Hate em.

    • Thank you. I.just.can’t.do.birks.

      • Exactly. I feel like a traitor to my hippie parents (I’m pretty sure my mom wears hers to bed) and my locality but just no.

    • a passion for fashion :


    • I think you meant cray-cray.

      • Also up thread, AIMS called them sexy — so….I think that might be ever cray-crayer.

        (Not that I don’t love AIMS…I’m just saying….)

        • Haha, to each their own as they say…
          As I said above, *perhaps* sexy is not the right word. But I find nothing less attractive than looking like you’re trying too hard. So with the right outfit, I think birks are just the thing. Mine are dark sparkly red. Think ruby slippers. Maybe he loves me too much, but Mr. AIMS also digs them.

          I totally get the counter reaction though. There are a lot of frumpy brand ambassadors walking around out there. Especially the ones who accessorize with socks.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I don’t know that I’d call them stylish, but PNW heart certainly loves them! Although, I don’t actually own any currently.

    • Senior Attorney :



    • PharmaGirl :

      At least they’re not crocs?

      • +1000 Hate those worse.

        • Ok. So maybe this is not going to help my pro-birks stance have any credibility, but when I was in college and Crocs just came out (but before anyone in the US heard of them), I had a p/t job at this little boutique that got a shipment. And no one would buy them. So the owner gave me a bright orange pair and told me it was my job to wear them & make other people want to buy them. ‘Make them cool!’ were his exact words. After my initial horror (and after almost quitting) I was actually pretty content because it did make standing for 8 hrs much easier. And I have to brag – after cute young 20 yr old me started wearing them, they flew off the shelves like hot cakes ;)

          • AIMS, if you are cute enough to sell Crocs, I have you say–D*MN GIRL you got it GOIN’ ON

          • *to say. clearly I am only halfway through my morning cup of coffee.

    • I’ll admit it. I just ordered this pair. Fun for summer, light but supportive. Plus, sparkly. Love sparkly. And I fully admit to wearing birkenstocks and socks in high school.

    • Equity's Darling :

      I don’t know if they’re stylish, but, they are super comfortable, and perfect for weekends and travelling. I have these in black, and wore them for most of the past week , well, these and Toms. So comfyyyyy.

    • Count me in with the naysayers. Birks? Noooooooo…

  20. Birkenstocks?



    • eastbaybanker :

      Thank you!

      I think the only time I’ve seen Birkenstocks look stylish was in a photo of Nicole Kidman looking as radiant as ever on a film set wearing Birks between takes. If you look like Nicole Kidman, go for it. For the rest of us, fuhgetaboutit.

  21. Going for it :

    I am going to ignore my stereotypical female instincts and apply for a job at a company I really want to work for, even though I don’t have the “required” length of experience! It’s funny – my first instinct was “bummer, too bad I can’t apply.” But every guy I told about the position said “you are going to apply, right?”

    I will probably have my resume thrown in the trash, but at least I can start demonstrating a real and continued interest in this company, so when the right job comes up, I might already be familiar to them.

    • Former MidLevel :

      Good for you! And good luck.

    • I have found that generally “required” years of experience are wish lists rather than actual requirements, I frequently get interviews at places where I have less experience.

      Of course getting the job is a whole other issue — but that comes later.

      • On the other side of this, for staff positions that go through HR, they won’t even send me the application of someone who doesn’t meet the minimum qualifications. When I was writing a job description for a faculty position, the HR employment person called me up and made me change my wording about experience. They’re pretty picky. That said, we worded it pretty broadly.

    • Kontraktor :

      Honestly I’ve found so long as your experience isn’t WAY off the target, you probably have as good a chance as any. For example, if they want 5 years and you have 4, it’s probably not a dig deal and all the advice I’ve gotten has said to definitely apply to those things. I’ve gotten bites for jobs where I am 1 to 1.5 years off, so I think that’s fine and realistic. Then again, if they want 20 years experience and you have 3… well, that might honestly end up being a waste of your time. It takes a lot of time to tailor resumes, write good cover letters, and fill out applications, and I tend to be more choosey about how I dedicate my time. I’d rather spend more time on a job I was more likely to get pinged for than waste time on something really unreasonable.

      At the same time, I recently was rejected for a ‘right above entry level’ type position for somebody who had 20+ years experience. Don’t even ask me how that happened. So maybe my advice/insight is irrelevant.

    • If it’s a federal government position, don’t do it. You generally have to affirm that you meet the qualifications, and lying is a criminal violation of 18 U.S.C 1001. (Note: This doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted. 1 month! Arg!)

      • Going for it :

        Not the federal government! Just a regular old company. And I’m not going to pretend I have the years of experience they ask for. I’m just going to hope that the experience level is aspirational. :)

        Like I said, I doubt it will go anywhere, but this is a good first step for me in going after what I want, rather than taking myself out of the running.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      My experience is that job descriptions contain a wish list that in reality, can almost never be met. If the only thing I didn’t have was a minimum number of years, but I was close, I’d apply. They want 10 years, and I have 8.5, but all of the other quals? I’m sending in my resume and highlighting my abilities in my cover letter. Do you have anyone in your network at the company or in close proximity to anyone there? Ask someone to turn your resume in – it will, at a minimum, get read, especially if you can get it to the business unit and not HR… (Not knocking HR folks, but they don’t always see things in the resume the same way as the business unit). Good luck!

    • PharmaGirl :

      For most positions, the number of years experience is not a hard requirement. I’ve been hired with far less experience than required (job asked for 5-10 years and I had barely 2) but I was uniquely qualified in other ways so I was hired with a lower title and promoted the 2 levels up to the original title within 3 years.

  22. I am wearing a floor length, red, Maria Bianca Nero gown to an event in a couple of weeks and need shoe help. The dress is fitted and strapless.
    The Pella Moda Augusta shoe looks great with it, but they are a 5 inch hell, and I am going for more of a 3-3.5.
    I will probably accesorize with gold jewelry and a pop of blue on a cocktail ring or bracelet.
    Would love some advice on shoes.

    • I would go for a gold strappy heel — you’ll have a ton of choices, metallics look great with red, and it’ll compliment the jewelry.

      • I agree, and find a clutch too. You will likely use them both for other events. I’d go to DSW and just try a bunch of stuff on and go from there.

  23. K... in transition :

    Has anyone ever written a book? I’ve been journaling my life daily for over 15 yrs and several people have asked me to consider the idea over the years. As I’m still job hunting, I’m considering the idea of doing so, with the thought that I’d go through the journals, choosing what makes sense, and writing in the missing details or the threading of the story together… the problem I’m having is choosing which of the paths to choose from, especially when I don’t have an ending in mind and I don’t know if I could be sued for telling stories about living people, even if I didn’t name names. It’s just tough to know what someone would care to read who doesn’t know me to care for that reason. Any tips/tricks from other writers?

    • Are there any writing groups in the area? Or some other sort of structured group that can give input? That seems like a place to start – maybe an independent bookstore in the area can point you in the direction of one.

      • And here’s a list to start with! (It is Ohio, right?)


    • I would look for a writing group in your area. Online peer review sites aren’t worth the time and effort invested in them (unless you’re doing something just for fun like ff.net or AO3). NaNoWriMo is in November and a ton of writing groups spring up then. (even non fiction ones)

      The best advice I’ve gotten is to just start writing (or complying, in your case). Even if you decide on the story you want to tell RIGHT NOW, you will probably go through several drafts and changes along the way. Pick the story you think fits it best right now, and if it turns out later that X or Y is the more compelling narrative, you’ll realize it in time or someone in your group will point it out. It’s alright to start without an ending,

      I have no advice or suggestions for writing non-fiction, except to consider writing fiction lol.

    • Have you ever read Stephen King’s memoir called “On Writing”? I’m not a writer (or a SK fan at the time), but it was a really interesting read on his method of writing, and what writing as a career was like for him. If I remember correctly. It’s been a while since I’ve read the book.

      • Yes! The King book is excellent, highly recommended for fiction writing. Do you know if you are interested in writing fiction or non-fiction? If it’s non-fiction, I highly recommend “Nonfiction Book Proposals Anybody Can Write.” It helps you clarify your idea, your target audience, and presenting it to agents. I only recently learned that if you want to sell a non-fiction work, like a memoir, you don’t need to write the whole book first, just a proposal that you can shop around. Fiction, you just gotta go for it!

        As for writing about real people you’ve known I’ve seen this tip many times: give the character in your story an unattractive quality or feature (like a small p*n*s!) and the person will never come forward and let people think that’s true. This shocked me at first but I’ve now read so many popular authors admitting to doing that.

        • Unless you have a platform (you’re on TV, you are a nutritionist to the stars, etc.) even your nonfiction book will need to be fully written. This is especially true for memoir. It’s not a boom time in publishing now so advice like that above, which would have been spot on 5+ years ago, no longer applies, I’m sorry to say.

    • Just start writing. See what sticks, see where what you’re writing takes you. You don’t have to know the ending in advance. Worry about things like “Will this person sue me?” after you’ve got a finished product. Don’t think about whether someone will ever want to read it; write because you want to tell a story.

      So seriously–write.

    • Am not sure if this won’t attract howls of protest from the rest of the hive, but I often think this forum would provide a really rich seam for a writer. There’s narrative drama, great lines and many wonderful individual voices.

      On a more useful note though, it sounds like the short story format is calling your name.

      • Oh my god yes. I think that all the time. I will probably write at least one short story based on material from [this website] within a year.

    • I’m a novelist. If you want to write, you should definitely do so. Just understand that it is not a path to financial fulfillment or sustainability. Writers sound a lot of doom and gloom about the state of the industry, etc., and I don’t want to be negative, but if you’re thinking of writing as an alternative path to income, you’re much better off taking a part-time retail job.

      I would steer clear of the freelance writing market entirely. There are many professional journalists who’ve been pushed out of paying media gigs this past decade and are vying for those jobs, which pay peanuts. And one thing will not teach you about another. In fact, I would advise that you not bother with joining a group, learning about publishing, et al, yet. These are often things writers use to feel like they’re being productive, but the only way to be productive is to write. Just focus on your work. When you have something drafted, cast about for readers. And then, when you’re ready to find an audience/learn about publishing, post of this site and I’ll barrage you with info. :)

  24. SoCalAtty :

    4 hours until I can leave. I’m in that void between sending off a draft and waiting for notes, and my next deadline isn’t for a week. The smart SoCalAtty would get ahead on her work…but I just can’t seem to focus! Who can relate on this Friday?

    • Who can relate? Um, everybody who’s writing about shoes and Trader Joe’s frozen foods from work?

      I can’t focus either, even though I know that it means more time spent on Sunday writing the brief that’s due Monday.

    • ChocCityB&R :

      Dude, this NorCal atty has been totally unfocused for the ENTIRE week. No movement, because I’m ahead of schedule and I don’t have a deadline to propel me forward (or maybe just because).

      • SoCalAtty :

        HA! Glad I’m not the only one with that issue Choc. Without a deadline looming, I’m useless.

        Jules – lol, true!

      • Oh yes. The hearing I’ve been stressing about to the point of immobility all week just got postponed a month. Now I’m sitting here thinking “I don’t really have to do ANYthing today because I now have the previously booked next week to handle it in.”

        I have a three page list of things I want to do this weekend though…(which starts in 1 hour!)

    • Yes! All I have to do today are some tax returns to review that the client has requested be done by June 30… That is so far away! I’m counting down the hours until the weekend starts.

    • karenpadi :

      I can totally relate. I meeting for today went from 9 hours long to 1 hour long, a project due Monday will take 1.5 hours instead of 9, and I’m reading this site!

      I have not left the office before 8:30 this week and billing 14 hour days. I want to go home! I’m tired! Why am I not working?!

  25. Dresses with pockets? :

    Any recommendations for where to look for summer dresses with pockets that are <$100? Petite sizes would be great too. (So far I've thought of JCPenney, Modcloth, not sure if the Target dresses recommended have pockets?) Thanks!

    • None of the Target dresses I have have pockets, but they did have a cute Converse chambray/cotton one that I tried on that had pockets. The cut didn’t work on me for other reasons, but you might check them out.

      I got a great shirt dress w/ full skirt and pockets from BR one year. And maybe Old Navy? they have a ton of summer dresses. And I think Lands End Canvas has some dresses with pockets.

      I really love pockets on dresses with full(er) skirts, why won’t designers make more poooccckkeetttsss??

    • a passion for fashion :

      i posted about this dress a wek or two ago and i still love it: Limited, link to follow.

      • a passion for fashion :


        • Dresses with pockets? :

          Very cute dress! Hadn’t thought about The Limited.

          • Dresses with pockets? :

            Now that I’m looking at their website, there’s a lot of cute dresses!

            However, what were they thinking of with the “front-zip strapless dress”? (Though it has pockets! Link to follow.)

          • Dresses with pockets? :


          • wow.. that is hysterical.. i would be completely paranoid that the whole thing would come open in some very public place!

    • Lands’ End. I have several dresses from there with pockets in petite sizes!

    • I am wearing one right now from the Limited. I think it was less than $50 on sale. They had a bunch of great dresses a few weeks ago. I am not petite though so I don’t know how good the selection is.

    • Anonymous NYer :

      I have a calvin klein royal blue jersey type dress I got at Marshalls with pockets.

  26. SoCalAtty :

    I posted on the earlier thread, but I wanted to make sure anyone job hunting knew about this. Tough Mudder LLC is hiring associate attorneys (and a bunch of other corporate positions) in Brooklyn, NY. Again, if you get the job my referral fee is notification if they ever decide to hire in LA! Good luck!

  27. Constance Justice :

    I have several from The Limited. They aren’t in petite, but I am quite petite (I am 5’0″ on a good day), and I don’t think I’ve had alter any of them very much.

  28. 40 minutes until my vacation begins.

    DH and I found a good deal on a cabin so we’re actually going away away from Saturday-Thursday with our dog! So excited. Going to hike and read and watch movies and light fires and read books and relax.

    • May you have a lovely vacation with lots of relaxing time. Enjoy!

    • You’re probably already gone, but I’m sending Have Fun vibes to your vacay, T! we’ll miss you!

    • That sounds awesome! Have a good time. Toast some marshmallows for me :)

  29. Research, Not Law :

    Need advice regarding getting a pay raise.

    I was hired 2.5 years ago. The salary I was offered for my current position was less than average because I was underpaid by my previous employer. It was acknowledged by my supervisor when he made the offer, but he said it was an HR black box over which he had no control. I had naively assumed that the disparity would be corrected over time. Instead, our pay increases are entire metric-based which keeps them restrained within a tight, standardized range – so my salary has increased only at the same rate as everyone else with my position. I have had stellar performance reviews and was selected for an elite development program, but my salary does not reflect it. Now they are hiring for my same position and the posted salary range is eating at me. I’m tempted to apply just to prove a point. I see now that I’m on track to be underpaid for my entire career unless I stand up for myself.

    I am recognized as one of the best in my department, yet compensated at the lowest level (~33rd percentile). I want to request a salary increase to bring me up to ~67th percentile (~12% salary increase), but I’m not sure how to frame it to my supervisor. Help! Salary negotiations are not my strength!

    • ChocCityB&R :

      I’m no expert in salary negotiations, so I won’t even pretend to offer real advice, but I can email you a packet on salary negotiation that a friend sent to me. Also check out askamanager.com and the career tools podcast, they have lots of great advice and should have something on this topic. Good luck!

      • Seattleite :

        ChocCity, would you mind sending that packet to me, too? [email protected] Please and thank you very much!

        • ChocCityB&R :

          Done! Oh and I forgot to mention that slate.com has a series of podcasts on negotiations. Those were super helpful for general negotiating tips.

      • Research, Not Law :

        I’d appreciate it! peachypear at gmail dot com

        Thanks for the other suggestions as well!

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        me too!! [email protected]

      • PharmaGirl :

        Any chance I could get the packet too? I have never managed to negotiate salary and hope to be doing so as early as next week!

        [email protected]

    • If you’re an academic, it might be worth looking at the CUPA data for like positions with years of experience, etc. Or, find similar positions at peer institutions with which you can compare yourself.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      This should actually be easier than most because you have a job posting by the company for essentially the same role, correct? You currently do the job they are looking for, excellently, and your compensation doesn’t reflect the value they have assigned the role and you’d like a compensation adjustment.

  30. You guise, can I be a total downer? :o(

    I think my job is making me crazy. I have been having super anxiety and panicky feelings ever since I started this job, but lately it is just constant, every. single. day. To the point where I ended up calling in sick today, because i had a super super early phone call, but because i was so freaked about it I ended up having anxiety freaking out all night and literally did not sleep at all. And now I feel massive guilt that I called in sick when i wasn’t incapacitated or anything, i just was nauseous and shaky and exhausted and yucky. But, I feel like I *could* have gotten up and worked and just powered through if I really wanted to. And I feel guilty even complaining about this, because I feel like I should be able to just ‘deal’ and be normal like everyone else and deal with stress without totally losing it.

    So, I did manage to get a couple hours of sleep, but now I just feel even worse, becuase I still feel panicky, but also guilty on top of it. And I’m already kind of freaking out about what is going to happen on Monday when I’m even more behind because I didn’t get work done today.

    Ack, sorry for the rambly rant, I guess I just needed to get it out, and maybe have someone tell me I’m not a horrible person for taking a sick day. (and I reeeallly hope no one I know is reading this, cuz it would totally out me)

    • “i just was nauseous and shaky and exhausted and yucky.”

      It sounds like you were incapacited, to a degree, so don’t beat yourself up about it. But it also sounds like this is really affecting your life, so it’s time to get some professional advice from a doctor for possible meds and a therapist for possible coping strategies. Sorry you’re going through this, but there are ways to make it better.

    • ChocCityB&R :

      What is it about your job that is causing this reaction? This sounds serious, and grounds for quitting and finding a new job. Life is too short to feel the way you do without a VERY compelling reason and a known end date to the suffering. Do you think this is a temporary feeling, or is it a hazard of the profession.

      Also, don’t feel guilty for taking a sick day! Since you asked for people to tell you that, but seriously, you really really shouldn’t. Mental health is health.

    • zora, can you tell us what’s causing the anxiety? Is it the hours? The amount of work? Do you feel like you’re not good at your job? Are you totally stressed by what you need to do because you don’t know how to do it or are afraid you won’t be able to do it well?

      I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. All of us occasionally need a mental health day every once in awhile. It’s one day and you’re not a horrible person.

    • Forgive yourself for not being perfect. I’m sure everyone has been at a point like this at one point in their career – maybe not with this degree of anxiety – but I’d say most people definitely call in sick once in a while when it’s more of a mental health day situation. That said, I think this is a sign that you need to find some better coping strategies, and maybe a therapist is the quickest way to find what might help you. I used to have insomnia because I would freak myself out over big events and then get even more freaked out because I couldn’t fall asleep and I would imagine how horrible the next day would be. My anxiety would just increase and I felt awful and out of control. Find some ways to regularly de-stress so your anxiety doesn’t get this bad. I like to take hot baths, read, watch funny tv shows, talk to a friend, go for walks, do yoga or guided meditation podcasts. You’ll be able to figure it out too. Good luck to you, and I’m sorry your job is so stressful. It really can be difficult sometimes! Also, remember that you are not your job. You are more than that. So if your job happens to not be that great or you are not that great at your job, that doesn’t mean you are a failure at life.

    • Seattleite :

      zora, anxiety can be a vicious cycle – we start feeling anxious about feeling anxious.

      During a particularly stressful time 2 years ago (waiting for surgery amidst the middle of a divorce) I went on an anti-anxiety drug for 2 months. It was a tiny dose, taken first thing in the morning, and I was also in counseling. I’d done all the holistic/natural anti-anxiety routines, but I just needed a little help in getting over the hump.

      Don’t feel bad for taking care of yourself mentally, and don’t be afraid to seek medical intervention if you need to.

    • aw, thanks everyone for the replies to my venting, so sweet.

      And you’re helping me think through it more, which is probably good. Thanks for all the good questions, NOLA. I think that I just realized that part of the problem is I’m not sure what the problem is. I definitely feel like I don’t know how to do my job, and I don’t know what I’m doing and I keep messing it up all the time. But then what if it’s not the job, but it’s me, and I wouldn’t be able to find a job that I *can* do. And yeah, it just spirals from there.

      So, right now, it is that I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, and I am not doing my job well. But what if it’s not just this job, what if it’s me? Ugh, I sound so lame and whiny writing this stuff out, sorry. I know I really do need to get professional help, but it’s been hard to find the brain space and the energy because I’m so tired all the time. But maybe this is the kick in the pants I need and I’ll get on that.

      Thanks again for letting me whine, r e t t e ‘s. You all are so great.

      • Okay, so one more question. Does anybody else think you can’t do your job? Or is it just that you have that imposter feeling?

        • Well, i think part of it is a fit problem. There are aspects of my job that I am not up to par on, but that were not really communicated as a major part of the position during the interview process. So, there are tasks my supervisor has asked me to work on.

          But I have a couple of coworkers that are friends, and they have told me that I am being crazy, and that I do a good job and that everyone likes me. But then I have the imposter feeling when they tell me that, and I think they just don’t get that I don’t know what I am doing and I am just faking it most of the time.

          So, I guess I think it’s a little bit of both. I have moments where I do something really well and I am proud of myself, but the vast majority of the time I am struggling with things that I am really bad at, and then I procrastinate to put it off as long as possible, which then makes things more of a struggle.

          • Oh, another thing i forgot to say, I feel weird unloading like this on this blog, with so many amazing, accomplished women that probably have much higher-powered/higher-stress jobs than me. But that’s part of why I feel like such a mess, because I have always been an over-achiever, and every single other job I have ever had, I worked like crazy, gave 110% and totally kicked *ss. This is the first time I have ever felt like I was really a failure at something and don’t know what I am doing. So, that’s one reason I feel like there is something really wrong going on.

          • Okay, here’s my take on this. If your coworkers/friends say you’re doing a good job and that you’re just driving yourself crazy and your boss isn’t telling you that you’re not cutting it, you’re probably doing better than you think. It’s possible that this job is just challenging and slightly above your comfort level *for now* but that’s what gives you room to grow! You’re fairly new at this right? Well, most reasonable employers don’t expect you to be able to do every aspect of your job well right away. You’re supposed to learn and grow and get experience. You’re the kind of overacheiver who has always kicked a$$ at everything so you feel like you ought to be able to do this job just as well. Give yourself a break! Try your best, learn, work on the things your supervisor has asked you to work on and try try try to relax a bit.

          • Anonsensical :

            Hi! Sorry I’m late to the party on this one. I struggle with anxiety and impostor syndrome feelings, so I have a little bit of an idea where you’re coming from. A lot of my anxiety stems from a lack of control, and so when I freak out, I have to break things into manageable little pieces that I can deal with. If I were in your shoes, I’d do a couple of things. First, I’d talk to my manager or supervisor. You said he or she told you there are areas you need to work on – what does that mean, exactly? Could you come up with a training plan so you have the training you need to be successful? Come up with some concrete steps you can take to tackle the job improvement issue and start chipping away at them. The second thing I would do is figure out if the job is a good fit for you and take steps to leave if it’s not. Start looking for jobs, brush up on your resume, make a plan for getting out in 6 months, a year, or after however long you think you need to stay there. And finally, consider talking to a therapist. Sometimes you can control anxiety by making changes in your life (quitting a job that’s bad for you, getting out of a bad relationship, etc.) and sometimes not. Good luck to you!

  31. MissJackson :

    PSA: Nordies took another round of markdowns. I just got more than $200 in price adjustments from stuff that I bought at the half-yearly sale (none of which was reduced further in the first round of additional markdowns)! If you bought online, go check your item numbers.

    • Thanks so much! I just got an extra $20 off of each of the pairs of sandals I bought.

  32. Research, Not Law :

    For the mamas:

    A coworker passed me “Just Let Me Lie Down,” by Kristin Van Ogtrop (editor of Real Simple magazine). It is flippin’ fantastic!! It’s anecdotes about working motherhood. They are humorous, compassionate, and oh-so accurate. It’s written in little snippets, which makes it a great pumping read. I highly recommend!

  33. Well, I’ve had my a** kicked all over the place this week, and I’m looking at a working weekend. My brain is pretty fried, and my stress level is pretty high. Anyone want to share their favorite way to destress when all you really have is a couple of hours? Should I just throw in the towel and run away to Belize?

    • For me, kicking some a$$ in the gym helps. Lifting weights = stress reduction. Also, reading a truly mindless novel on the treadmill helps get my mind off of my worries. I know – if you don’t work out this doesn’t make any sense. But it works for me!

    • Nap! Preferably outdoors, if that’s possible. Or cuddle a small animal. Ideally, you will take a nap outdoors while cuddling a small animal.

      • ChocCityB&R :

        DC Jenny, that sounds divine! If only I weren’t sure my cat would run away if I took him outside, I’d do it right now.

    • Silly novel in a bubble bath, with a glass of wine and a bar of dark chocolate. Repeat as necessary.

    • Research, Not Law :


      I wish I were kidding.

      A really good workout does it for me, too.

    • Go see a mindless movie and then go to the mall and get ice cream. :-)

      • Oh yeah, I should have mentioned that when I’m really down, I buy jewelry (my last purchase was black and white diamond hoops at Macy’s) and eat gelato. Theoretically, it helps.

    • Call a friend and vent. Sometimes you just need someone who understands what you are going through and is on your side.

    • I wish I could say that I go to the gym or hot yoga because those are what make me feel less stressed long term but I go to this wine bar. Takes the stress level down immediately for those couple of glasses of wine anyways.

      Try turning off everything but a good movie, healthy snack and maybe glass of wine?

      I also like playing with my dog.

    • oh my goodness, I love all of your suggestions so much!

      I love doing many of these things! The fact that I was able to come up with none tells me that it is time to step away from the computer and take a break. Pup has been guarding my home office all day, and looks like he is about ready for a break, too. (what a life)

      • Walked the dog, and picked up wine, cheese, and chocolate ice cream. You are my people. :)

  34. ooo! I actually really hate those shoes! But to each his own :)


  35. DC to NYC :

    I hope the hive can help with this one. I’m currently in a very stable job in DC (federal gov), but I want to move to NYC and work in the private sector since federal job are few and far btwn there. I have never searched for a job outside the federal gov or outside DC, and I’m not sure were to begin. Job listings, web sites of organizations I am interested in, maybe a recruiter? Note that I am not a lawyer. Also I’m wondering if my job hi t would before successful if I wa already living in NYC, meaning quit my job, move, and hope I find something. Does anyone have experience with this?

    • Do you mind if I ask why you would do this? Leaving a stable job right now for a job in the unstable private legal sector is scary business.

      Otherwise, if you’re experienced in a specialized field, I’d start by contacting a recruiter.

      • I’m not in the legal field. Also I’m interested in leaving my current job because I absolutely hate it. It is unchallenging and I never have enough work and things are just getting worse. I have already move once within my agency looking for more challenging work. I’m also really interested in moving to NYC since a lot of friends and family live there (I grew up just outside the city). DC just doesn’t do it for me. The combination of the job I can’t stand and a city I’ll never love has me running for something that I know may not be the easiest or est move in this economic climate.

        • Fair (and sorry, thought I had read you were a lawyer).

          I’d look at job listing boards and start attending networking events for your schools alumni events and just getting it out there to your friends in the same industry that you’re looking.

          Also — do a budget for how much its going to cost for you to live in NYC and try to figure out how much its going to cost to live there. So you have a sense whether you’re going to be able to afford it.

        • You are me from 10 years go…. working in a federal job that’s boring and not challenging, thinking I’d like to work in the private sector where I can be challenged, do a good job, and be rewarded (better compensated) for it. Fast forward 10 years of private-sector work where I often have the same problems, just less job security and much worse. Now I wish I had just stuck it out with the Feds. 20-something me was young and motivated, but 30-something me just wants the cake job back.* Be careful about leaving–it’s hard to get back in once you’re out of the system.

          *Epilogue: I’m finally starting a cake job w/ the state this fall –75% of my current pay but half the hours—yay!

  36. Research, Not Law :

    And one more for my husband. He’s an architect and about to send out resume/portfolios to find a new job. He’s not sure whether he should accentuate his years of experience or not, because his current job is not at the level one would expect for that many years.

    He’s 15-20 years into his career but doing the work of someone closer to half that. His career was moving along quite well up until about five years ago, when a number of economic, firm politics, and personal factors left him in career purgatory. (Details below, if you’re interested). Furthermore, firms are currently looking mainly for people with less experience.

    He’s worried that he’ll draw attention to the disconnect or be considered “too experienced” if he mentioned his years of experience as an asset on his cover letter – but he’s also worried that he’ll be overlooked by down-playing his experience level.


    • Research, Not Law :

      Details: He had been moved by a large firm to open up a satellite office, which he’d done successfully, then was stolen away by a very small firm (his current position). The firm was looking like the golden child and getting great press and projects. He was taking on more project management and was exploring the option of becoming an associate partner in his current firm when the recession hit. Development came to a grinding halt, firms all over were closing. His held on, but with only the two partners and my husband. No staff to manage, little opportunity to bring in new work as an associate, etc. It was not the optimal time to try that transition, so he stayed on with the firm with the understanding he’d move up when the economy improved. Our first child was born, so he worked part-time and was a stay-at-home dad. Then the partners started to have some serious personal, interpersonal, and legal/accounting issues, and the firm dissolved. So my husband invested his time with a firm that no longer exists, with little professional development to show for it. They would both give him great references, but he’s still left looking like a guy who couldn’t get it together – which couldn’t be further from the truth!

    • karenpadi :

      I think the recession paused many peoples’ careers so it’s not a red flag anymore.

      Why doesn’t he use something like “experienced architect with several years of experience in [insert specialty] design and project management.” That way, he isn’t saying a number that might exceed a threshold but he is conveying that he isn’t a recent grad.

      I don’t think the “gap” will come up until an interview. He’ll need a well-rehearsed response to explain the last 5 years.

    • Agree that very few people would ding an architect or other building professional for the market of the last few years. Have a think about whether he acquired any start-up/ biz development experience which might be worth a mention eg. successfully opening a satellite office sounds like a good thing he has under his belt ?

  37. Southern Summer :

    My boyfriend is doing an internship this summer in another city, and I’m thinking of sending him a care package. I need to send him a couple of ties he forgot to pack anyway, so I thought I’d add some little things like a Starbucks card, some dress socks, a little note from me, and… that’s about all I thought of. Maybe pens and notebooks, but the office where he works will surely provide all of that. Any ideas?

    • Rose in Bloom :

      How about food items from where y’all are from? You say Southern Summer, so would something like benne wafers be appropriate? I really miss food from home when I am not there.

      Will you have a chance to visit him at all? Even if the answer is no and he has friends there, you could do tickets to a cultural attraction in the city (museum, etc.) or a gift card to the movie theatre or a nice restaurant there so he is encouraged to get out.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

      Pictures of you, of course. :-)

    • When my SO headed off I found a massage therapist near where he lived and booked an appointment for him. I left him a paid gift certificate at a top restaurant at his new city (restaurants are super good about that kind of stuff in my experience). My SO likes gifts he can brag about to other people, your BF might be different.

      I have found that my SO tends to forget about food in packages an always goes bad (my roommates also did this so maybe guys do it alot?). A lot of homemade goodies went bad in my old house…. I would never send them to a guy ever again.

      If I was you I’d go for cheesy too and send him a picture of me in a frame. Maybe something cool to put on his desk (a four by four rubiks cube, a boxed pen/letteropener set, a business card holder, a toy, a paperweight of something from your city, whatever is cool to him… A roll of quarters is SO useful if he has a coin laundry. I love it when people sent me stamped post cards because then all the work is done and its so easy to send them back. I also like getting spices in the mail because you never have any when you move in to a new place.

  38. For ShortieK from Rose in Bloom :

    I posted a response about the Brooks Brother tote being unlined in this morning’s thread. Hope it’s helpful. I really do like bag.

  39. I have tried posting this already, but misspelled “heel” and am in moderation. (so apologies if this turns up several times on the thread…)

    I need suggestions for shoes to go with a strapless, fitted, floor length, red dress. I’m thinking a 3-3.5 inch heel. I know it looks GREAT with Pella Moda Augusta shoes, but they are a 5 inch heel.
    I will be wearing gold accessories, and probably a blue cocktail ring, FWIW.

  40. Dowdy Shoes? :

    I got three new pairs of shoes from DSW because my feet have been hurting every day after work because of my shoes. However, I fear I’ve gone too dowdy in my search for comfort. I’m only 22, so are these shoes too dowdy/old lady for me?

    http://www.6pm.com/ak-anne-klein-7fenton-navy-patent in taupe



    • The first ones maybe a tiny bit but I wouldn’t worry about it if they’re comfortable. Then again I’m kind of into what I think of as a stylish grandma look.

    • yes, but I think that’s okay? The thicker heel on the first one is probably not that noticeable. The other two seem *solid*, which can read as old.

      What about a slimmer wedge?

      Or a lower height with a more modern shape?

      I think these seem younger than the wedges above, maybe the rounder toe and smaller wedge:

      If you’re a size 9, I’ve heard the Croc flats are crazy comfortable:

  41. trying to downsize :

    Hello Ladies! Has anyone done this? I want to stay in the expensive city where I live because I can walk to work. But I took a better job in terms of career advancement that came with a pay cut. Now I want to move from a largeish 1 bdr apt (750 sq ft) with THREE!! closets to a good sized studio apt (520 sqwith ONE (large) closet. Can I do it? I have about 6 months to downsize but my weakness is shoes, handbags, clothes in about 3 different sizes (yes, I will need to face reality, since I refuse to rent storage- all my furniture will fit in the new place) and the like. :(
    Starting to panic just a little… hints welcomed!

    • trying to downsize :

      uh typo- studio is 520 sq ft- fairly ginormous (lived UWS in a 328 sq ft not that long ago- but it had three tiny closets!!!).

    • What size are you? I’ll bet some of the hive would love to help you downsize…er, you know, for you. :-)

    • Ditto. Make a store on ebay or asos or even etsy vintage if you can get away with it. Alternatively you can make a sale blog and post a link to it here.

    • stacking hangers, underbed storage, high + low shelves, jewelry hanging in a picture frame, handbags on a bookshelf or wall shelves… making sure your have appropriate storage goes a long way. Ikea has some really good small space solutions, and dorm room stuff will start getting in stores for August.

      You’ll definitely have to pare down, but maybe that will be a good thing?

  42. I was invited to a house exorcism. Catholic 17th century style. Pizza provided. Anyone know anything about these events?

    • That sounds so interesting. Let us know what happens!

    • That. Sounds. Awesome.
      I know nothing, but I definitely second the request for the report back!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I am so intrigued. I 100% believe in ghosts and lived in a haunted apartment (documented on discovery channel) in college and am pretty certain (as are a few coworkers) that my current office, in an old Victorian, is haunted too.

      Never heard of a house exorcism. The college ghost was on a Catholic college campus and they never tried to “exorcise” it or any of its friends (that resided in other buildings according to discovery channel) as far as I know.

    • I initially read this and assumed you were asking fashion advice — as in, what should I wear to a house exorcism. And that, I decided, was better than fashion advice for a pirate wedding.

      • Indeed. I think I would advise black lace.

        • Specifically, something like this maybe. You need to be conservative I think — to exorcise things.


          • Or this, if you wanted to be more dramatic.


        • Though, considering the menu is pizza, maybe my options are too formal.

          Maybe instead some black wide leg pants like this: http://www.neimanmarcus.com/product.jsp?itemId=prod140840180&ecid=NMALRJ84DHJLQkR4&CS_003=5630585

          With a lace top or a black sequin top or something.

        • Yes, with red lips

    • They’re fairly common here, although not really an exorcism. More like a spiritual cleanse.

  43. Clueless Summer :

    Can I wear (nice) flip flops to my graduation? Flip flops in the sense of a between the toe strap but also with a back strap (so it won’t make the flop noise all across the stage). I’m wearing a sundress and I’m just not feeling the style with pumps and I hate buying ‘occasion” sandals I’ll never wear again. I have espadrilles but they don’t match this particular dress.

    Something like this: http://bit.ly/KQblgW

    • I think those are OK. Of course know your school, but I find that you walk so much more at graduation than you expect, so they may be a good choice.

    • AnonInfinity :

      Those are considerably more casual than the shoes that anyone wore at my law school graduation. (I’m not sure what kind of program you’re in?)

      I’m in a mid-sized city in the South, and graduation was inside, if you need some sort of reference point.

    • I wouldn’t. Can you find some nude slingbacks or something that you can rewear?

  44. How much trouble will I get in if I throw the trash my neighbor dumped in my trashcan after pick-up in the road or his place? If you have an overflow, it is non-smelly, neatly bagged, and BEFORE pick-up; I don’t have a problem. Don’t put your open remnants and liquid containers in afterward. Or block my driveway with your trashcan. (it was him as his is still full, it wasn’t empty & there bc the truck dropped it)

    • I would just go ask innocently if he also had liquids and unbagged trash put into his trash can or if you are 100% he did it, ask him to please not do it again. Otherwise, it will get uncomfortable since, you know, you live next to him.

  45. Senior Attorney :

    And thus endeth the toughest work week in recent memory! I think I should totally get paid for last night because I had non-stop work dreams all. night. long. Ugh!


    • Work dreams are the worst. After much internal debate I have decided that dreams where I invent an assignment that I’ve somehow forgotten (therefore waking up and having to talk myself down) are relatively better than those where I dream I am drafting or otherwise taking care of something – and then waking up and having to do it over in real life.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I hate work dreams! I’ve been doing a lot of work with spreadsheets and when I’m particularly stressed at work, I have dreams that are never ending data entry. It’s awful.

  46. Old Towner :

    These are my favorite shoes ever. I just got a new pair after wearing out the soles on my prior pair over the past two years. Most comfortable sandals ever and I get tons of compliments.

  47. Anon for This :

    Have the opportunity to lateral/slight promotion but with more future promotion potential than where I am. Would have to pay relo costs myself though. There are a few locations available – Philadelphia, Boston, DC/Virginia/Maryland. Haven’t been too any and would be worried about the cost of living of the last two. Would be happy with the liberal bent of Boston though. Try to transfer or wait a while & try to make a fall vacation trip to see how I like the cities? Anyone ever moved blind? I enjoyed the southeastern coast/south more than the Midwest living.

    Don’t know much about Philadelphia but I recall a few people on here from there? Any facts I should know? Expensive like the others listed?

    • All of the places you listed are pretty liberal…though NoVa is a liberal bastion in a more conservative state (as is Philly when you get right down to it).

      I’m actually lived in or near all of these. Philly has great restaurants and is definitely getting cooler and more fun — but its still definitely a little grittier (that’s the best way I can describe it). There are some beautiful suburbs of course — though the commute into the city by car is a catastrophe, so commuter rail is necessary.

      DC is a great city, especially for someone who is new, because so many people are transient. There are lots of fun neighborhoods and its one of the newest culinary destinations in the country. Plus, with the free Smithsonian and all, there’s a ton of stuff to do. And the happy hour lifestyle is fun. As for the suburbs in NoVa, which I’m most familiar with, the traffic is AWFUL and it is very “development” heavy (i.e. new developments and housing developments) and strip-mall heavy. Just because I didn’t grow up with that, its not my favorite. But there are parts of NoVa that have more character, like parts of Arlington and Alexandria. Maryland also I think is similar.

      Boston is a smaller city than either Philly or DC and it has lots of very distinct neighborhoods with their own character, lots of independent shops and great restaurants. Plus there is Brookline (which has great public schools and is therefore quite expensive) and Cambridge as alternative city living areas. But there are no places that have true “urban” life like NYC has, except maybe one or two neighborhoods. One nice thing around Boston is that the suburbs are older towns with their own character and their own downtown. You can also get into suburbs that are 20 minutes from the city, rather than having to move 45 minute to an hour out of the city, because there hasn’t been so much sprawl.

      • Anon for This :

        My biggest thing about the DC area is what you mentioned. I’m so worried that I would have to live farther out because of cost that the traffic would be horrible and it would be hard to have a social life as a new person. I grew up in a place that transitioned to the strip malls & cookie developments a long time ago. Can’t stand it. I’m also lot a morning person so anything with a long commute is just asking to be fired.

        • Public transit from the suburbs of DC into the city is quite good actually — and if you live in the city public transit around is pretty smooth. But if you commute by car, yeah, pretty much a disaster. But thats actually true to some extend of all three of the metropolitan areas you just listed — they are older east coast cities whose highway infrastructures weren’t really designed (in one way or another) to handle the mass of people and cars they now carry. So the first priority in housing in all those places is probably going to be “how close is it to public transit.”

      • Like TCFKAG mentioned, DC has lots of people coming and going. It may be easier to meet people, but you constantly have to make new friends as well so its both a plus and a minus. I find that the atmosphere of the city is unique and people either love it or want to leave, so if possible, make sure you visit a couple of times before moving.

    • I currently live in DC and you can reduce costs by not having a car. It’s reall easy to get around the city an even parts of north Arlington without a car. As someone already mentioned life here can be stressful as people are always coming and going. And the city is really beginning to come into its own now – it is constantly changing. DC is definitely not for everyone. I moved here without ever visiting, but it was my only job offer, but it has worked out so far.

      • I’ve actually lived in all three cities too! I would definitely choose Boston. I thought that public transit there was reasonably good, it was easier to find an affordable apartment in a nice neighborhood than in DC (caveat–I lived with roommates), there was good food and adorable neighborhoods, and it indeed has a liberal bent. The biggest drawback in my opinion was all the snow, although it was not as bad as I expected before I moved there because the city is well-equipped for it and most drivers know how to handle it.

        Philly . . . I am really ambivalent. It is getting nicer, the food is probably the best of the three cities, and there are some amazing neighborhoods. However, the city is DISGUSTING and it has a ton of problems. In my experience random strangers here have very little regard for others and for their environment–not to say that DC and Boston are the most friendly cities, but Philly just takes rude to a whole other level. Public transit within the city leaves much to be desired both in terms of geographic coverage and comfort. I think it’s the most difficult to penetrate socially if you aren’t from here, and I would never move here without a job lined up because everyone I’ve known who has never found anything. It is the cheapest city of the three, but it is rapidly getting more expensive and there are some weird things going on in the rental market. I think as a renter right now you get the least value for your money in Philly unless you want something relatively high end, and then Philly can be much less expensive. Also, if you want to buy real estate, it is far cheaper than the other two cities.

        Honestly, I probably wouldn’t move to DC without visiting first. I am a NOVA native who also lived in the District for awhile, and I’ve always found it very difficult to adequately explain the culture of DC to outsiders. People seem to either love or hate it for random reasons. One of the odder things about the city is that due to its weird political status vis-a-vis statehood and federal control, some things about it that are incredibly well-run while others are beyond dysfunctional. There’s also little sports culture, which I viewed as a positive. Personally, I’d avoid most of NOVA–if there were a national championship for the place that best embodied “suburb,” NOVA would be a frontrunner.

        • Whoops, somehow replied to the wrong post–meant to reply to OP.

        • I feel almost the same way that you do about DC, Boston and Philly! I would choose Boston for the same reasons you listed above.

          Having lived in all three, it’s also important to note that Philly is the least safe of the three cities. The city has come a LONG way since the bad old days of the 70s and 80s, but even Center City in Philly isn’t immune to random acts of street violence (including violent “flash mobs”, not the fun dancing kind). It’s not to say that Boston and DC don’t have their unsafe areas, but Center City is so much more block-by-block than Boston and DC neighborhoods are.

        • As a former resident of Philly, DC itself, and the DC metro area (suburban Maryland), I agree with all of this, especially the bit about the oddly aggressive rudeness of the people in Philly and the trickiness of making friends there. I found people in DC to be the nicest because, as others have said, it is a city of non-natives, and Bostonians seem a shade more guarded. But Philly is tough, and even a great restaurant scene can’t make up for its strange personality.

          • I would actually say that Philly and DC are pretty comparable in terms of safety unless your philosophy toward living in DC is “I won’t go east of 18th Street” (I have heard that living there, sadly). I agree that Philly seems to have more bizarre, random crimes like flash mobs, and someone I know actually was a victim of one of those. But frankly, if you live in either DC or Philly long enough, you will probably be either mugged or have your car broken into at least once, as one or the other or both has happened to everyone I know, including myself.

            And speaking of flash mobs, I think it really says something about Philly that when those started up it almost wasn’t shocking, although of course I was outraged. It was like, “oh there are roving gangs of teenagers beating the crap out of people and vandalizing stuff? Of course there are.” Philly is the only place where I have had multiple homeless people literally chase me down the street when I didn’t have any change, where I get into screaming fights with aggressive drivers as a pedestrian and bicyclist on a pretty regular basis, and where people will leave trash sitting on your bike when it’s parked 15 feet away from a public trash can.

          • I strongly disagree with anon. I’ve lived and worked east of 18th for 8 years now and have not had any problems. There are parts of the city where I wound not live, e.g. Anacostia, but the east of 18th/the park rule is seriously outdated. Particularly NW DC is generally safe. It is a city so you have to be smart like you do in all cities. Most of the muggings include some combination of alcohol, walking alone in the dark and not paying attention to circumstances. I love living in DC and enjoy being able to live close to work, and walk everywhere on the weekends. To me DC is also not as overwhelming as NYC: smaller, no akyscrapers. I would encourage you to visit first though as those characteristics may not be your cup of tea.

          • I’m not saying I think the “18th St.” rule is a reasonable view! Far from it, as I lived in Petworth a few years ago and really loved it (even after I was mugged). I was being sarcastic about people who still live like that to avoid any and all risk of crime, which I think is ridiculous and, indeed, outdated if it ever was all that accurate to begin with. But when I lived in the District after college, there was still a fair amount of crime in most parts of DC– including pretty ritzy parts of NW–despite how far DC has come since the 90s. Like you said, DC is a city and you have to be cautious, but caution won’t make you immune, and to say that Philly is that much more dangerous than DC is not true in my experience. Anecdotally, everyone I know in each city has had some kind of problem after awhile, ranging from annoying stuff like busted car windows and bike theft all the way to someone actually being shot in the foot during a robbery–in NW, actually. I’ve been victimized in some way in both cities without engaging in insanely risky behavior under my definition, and I don’t feel much different in either city and I take similar precautions. So if you are overly freaked out by that risk you probably won’t love either Philly or DC, but I don’t think that either city is so unsafe that it should be avoided. If I did, I would have moved to the burbs long ago.

  48. Graduate student help :

    5 days out from my out of nowhere dumping by my serious boyfriend with whom I was seriously planning a future.

    Does it ever get any easier? I’m barely eating, barely getting out of bed. Please say yes.

    • Yep, it really does. Trust me. My ex-husband blindsided me and I thought I would never recover. Now I look back and just laugh about it. I am so much happier!

    • It gets easier. It may not seem like it, but I promise you that it does.
      Give yourself some time to wallow in it and grieve. There is nothing wrong with staying in bed a few days (but do try to eat a little). Breaking up is never easy, but especially so when you’ve been blindsided by the whole thing. Take it one day at a time and do what you need to do to get through it – call your friends, write in a journal, vent anonymously online, eat some ice cream in your PJs, whatever you need. Just remember that life is long and, however improbable or impossible it may seem now, you will feel better eventually.

    • hey, it gets easier.

      Maybe now’s a good time to catch up on Hulu? New Girl, Suburgatory, and Teen Wolf are all pretty trashy yet good. Game of Thrones -book or show- is also really good. (no leaving of the bed required, popcorn/icecream optional)

      • Also if you can get it Hart of Dixie and Rookie Blues (which is on right now, but you should catch up first) — excellent trash. With hot men that you can eventually start fantasizing about, ala the Friends theory of “getting over a relationship.”

        Google it if you don’t get the reference. :-P

        • Graduate student help :

          I went on OKCupid to try to fantasize about other men.

          My #1 match is my best male friend.

          That got awkward. We tried in college! It didn’t stick for a reason!

          • Hot neighbor wade will make you forget about it all, trust me. :-)

            It’s too soon maybe for real men, but it’s never too soon for Hot Neighbor Wade.

    • hey where do you live? corporettes will take you out for a drink and you can just have 20 minutes of biatching session to someone removed from you and the bf. and then drinks! and fun times

    • Divaliscious11 :

      It may help to cut your self some slack….make a list of 3-4 things you must do every day – shower, brush teeth, eat one meal and talk to one person who loves (friend, parent, sibling or cousin)……

      Grieve, but mark a date on the calendar when you are going to start letting it go, piece by piece…. it gets easier

    • It’s been only 5 days. That’s hardly any time at all! It will certainly get better, but it will take some time. Don’t try to rush it or get upset with yourself for still feeling bad/sad about it. It’s totally normal to feel like this for a few weeks or even months! Try to get into new routines. I think it is always good to take a few days to yourself and watch your favorite movies, but after that I find it helps the most to go out with friends and get your mind off of it!

    • Yes, it gets easier. You will find out that you’re stronger and more resilient than you ever knew, in fact. It’s too bad that things like this have to happen for us to learn our own power, but that is one of their functions in life.

      I agree with everything that’s been said. Treat yourself as you would a best friend who was going through this, including the kind encouragement to get some sunshine, eat what you can, and reach out to those who love you. If you’re a book-reading type on issues like this, or are open-minded enough to try it, I recommend “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant. It was very helpful to me when I went through a real doozy myself.


    • K... in transition :

      For the next week, I demand that you stay in bed, watch cr*p tv, and do nothing you don’t feel like doing. (see? now when you do that, you can tell yourself it’s because some internet friend forced you into it… look at you, you’re being a good friend by listening!)

      Truly, try to eat so your body doesn’t get sick, let yourself feel however you feel, and live in your comfy clothes as much as possible. Let yourself be loved on by your friends (here and in real life).

      At the end of this, he’s the moron who walked away and you’re the awesome gal who has it in her to commit to someone for life… I’d definitely rather be you in the long run than to be him!

  49. So, following the post on cute bright skinny belts earlier in the week, I wanted to post a rec.
    I find most JCrew Factory stuff to be very hit or miss, and mostly, miss, but I love their skinny belts and find they are actually quite well made (not even just for mention the price). Sometimes they have them at an even steeper discount, but under $20 still not a bad deal.


    • Also, for the non-patent leather enthusiasts: http://www.jcrew.com/womens_factory_category/scarvesandaccessories/PRDOVR~45652/99102728572/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+20~~~205+17+4294966615~90~~~~~~~/45652.jsp

  50. Trying to find shoes to wear with a floor length red dress. Ideas?
    Fwiw, I will be accessorizing with gold and some blue. I would love to find shoes that will be semi-comfy because I will be wearing them for 7+hrs (event begins at 5:30). Event is in the south, next week.
    Hoping for a 3-3.5 inch heel…Tia!

    • Ok, I was originally going to say silver would look great but since you’re doing gold accessories…

      Love the look of these, but no idea vis a vis comfort. http://www.zappos.com/product/7986400/color/385?zfcTest=fw:1

      • No idea what these look like in person, but they have rave reviews for comfort and are only $58.

        As do these (other colors avail. ) if you want to play up the blue. I also like the Forbes style from this co. in purple.

    • Cole Haan Air Tali wedge – it has a shorter heel than you wanted, but comes in a variety of metallic and nude-for-various-skintones shades, and comes in open-toe and closed-to versions. I can literally walk a mile in mine.

    • RR the second :

      Just realized someone else was already using RR, sorry original RR (who loves her birks ;))

  51. These are gorgeous and Kate Spade heels tend to be on the comfy side.

    These might work: http://www.zappos.com/product/7991595/color/20705?zfcTest=fw:1

    Or .. you could always do red. Too matchy for most, but I have noticed a lot of celebrities rocking that look on the red carpet (Michele Williams, others). Who knows, come next summer, we might all be doing it and you would have been ahead of the trend. In which case, I vote for these (bonus for the comfort reviews):

  52. Anyone read "Courage"? :

    The book by Debbie Ford. Someone recommended it to me but it seems pretty new-age. I thought it was a book about introversion. Anyone enjoy it, find useful information, or is it new-age all throughout?

  53. I need advice from the hive here (also sympathy wouldn’t go amiss).

    Yesterday I was let go from my job of nearly five years because they’ve decided to start the knowledge management department over from scratch and centralize it in the London office. I have two weeks left, and then I join the ranks of the unemployed.

    Other than panic attacks, crying jags, and hugging the cat, the most I’ve done so far is contact a couple of other former coworkers. One has asked for my resume, so that’s a start. I haven’t heard from the other one yet, but I’m hoping we can meet for coffee. Any other advice anyone can offer? I feel lost right now, and the job market for librarians/knowledge managers is approximately as bad as the job market for lawyers. I have nightmares of having to move back in with my parents at 32.

    • So sort to hear about your situation. I just saw a library science job posted at the dept of state – check usajobs. I think it required worldwide availability.

    • I’m curious about what kind of company you’ve been working for, but it seems like you might be able to repackage yourself in another area of librarianship. What kind of work have you been doing? The first thing I would do is to figure out how to describe what you’ve been doing in a way that it makes sense in other areas of librarianship (if you’re interested). The government can be difficult – I have friends who have worked in gov jobs successfully but I found it stifling. LC is no fun at all. Vendors have a lot of turnover if you’re interested in sales or training. Academic is hard to break into unless you can really sell your skills and have the interest. And you’ll need to be flexible and possibly willing to relocate. Check the ALA Joblist. Good luck! And so sorry this happened to you. Makes me even happier for tenure.

      • It’s a management consulting firm with a base in B2B media, for the most part. I managed research and handle vendor relationships for the company, and also did training and tutorials on research methods and specific databases.

        • Wow, I can imagine that’s a hard field to find a job in right now. Very small niche. With your experience with training and tutorials, I’d think you’d be a good fit for a vendor. Have you thought about exploring jobs with the vendors you’ve worked with? ALA is in a couple of weeks – all of the vendors will be there, but it’s in Anaheim and that’s pretty expensive.

        • Sorry to hear about your situation.

          Just a few ideas from a non-librarian: my first entry-level job was in trademark research and a significant number of people in higher-up roles worked as analysts there, mainly because they had knowledge and understanding of a bunch of databases (oh, and since this blog seems to have such a large readership in the area, this company was in the greater Boston area). There are a number of companies in this space that might be worth looking into.

          At the height of the early part of the recession, one of my coworkers at said trademark research company got laid off. She later found another position at a university’s alumni relations department doing donor prospecting and research on donors on the web. It wasn’t the most awesome mid-career role, but it seems to have been a good transitional role for her. I saw on LinkedIn that she’s at another (more famous) university now so I think she’s been able to continue making a career out of it.

          Best of luck in finding another job!

    • Definitely attack the job search hard, but know that a job search can be a marathon these days, although I hope it’s a sprint for you! Let people know you’re available, but be prepared for things not to move as quickly as you like. Did you get a severance? Can you collect unemployment? Are you on LinkedIn? Is your resume up to date? Even if it is, have another look at it and run it by a few folks. Can you get a letter of reference from someone in your company before you leave? It’s hard to keep your chin up, but the best thing I can say is followup with people, try to keep your spirits up, and just start looking. Good luck!

      Also from how you describe your skillset, it sounds like you could also do editing, technical writing, and other types of work related to those areas.

    • Are you a US Citizen? National Archives are hiring – I have a couple friends who work at their HQ in Maryland, outside DC. The National Archives also runs all of the presidential libraries, located all over the country.

      • Oh, also look at government contractors around the DC area. They always have knowledge management-type positions and there are always jobs available.

  54. Another job seeker :

    Sympathy and hugs! And how utterly vile of them to do this to you! But in the spirit of JSFAMO, keep telling yourself that this unasked-for transition is going to lead you to something better. (Even if, for a while, it’s just the satisfaction of being able to survive tough times.)
    Sounds as if you’ll need to change fields, or at least repackage yourself. Does your city offer an IRL group of other job seekers, or an affordable career counselor?
    Get enough sleep and exercise and eat as healthily as you can. More hugs.

  55. Anne Shirley :

    Ran my first 10K today! Thanks to the ladies who told me about the miracle of running socks 3 months ago and made this possible.

  56. Mrs. Robinson :

    Omg, Dirty Dancing is on. Love this movie. Had my first kiss to the song “Time of My Life.” Watching this, it’s so hard to believe Patrick Swayze is gone!

    • And Jerry Orbach – the only celebrity at whose death I actually cried.

      Apparently he left love notes for his wife every single morning. After his death, she published them in a book called “Remember How I Love You.” Adorable and heart-wrenching.

      • I had more than one friend call/email to express condolences on the death of Jerry Orbach. I loved him so much.

      • When I was 11 I went to the set of “Homicide Life on the Street” with my aunt and they were doing a cross over episode with L&O. I was more excited to meet Jerry Orbach than Benjamin Bratt. I was so sad when he died.

  57. Hive please help. My SO and I have not been intimate in over a year. I do not feel attracted to him at all but I do care about him. I don’t know what brought this on but I don’t want to be with him physically anymore. Also of note in the past year he hasn’t tried to make a move with me either. Not sure where to go from here.

    • Counseling, or break up. Are you married? I would def try counseling first. possibly individual or therapy.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Have you been to a doctor to get checked out? Do you experience sexual attraction to other people, or is your sex drive just gone? Sudden loss of any sex drive could be indicative of an underlying issue.

      Also, I agree with the suggestion of counseling above.

    • Have you talked about it with him? Do you just not feel physically attracted to him? I think you need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue this relationship. Honestly, I think if you want out, you have a pretty valid reason and he would likely be understanding if you are concerned with him reaction. However, if you want to continue to be with him, you need to talk to him or try making a move on him. Also, counseling would certainly be good for you, either together or alone.

    • Same boat :

      No advice, but I’m in the same situation and am subscribing to this thread.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Have you talked about this? Cause that should be step one.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      You might need both a medical check up, and a mental check up. Medical because loss of sexual appetite may be symptomatic, of something going on with you (unless you are attracted to others, just not your so). And then mental, because if its not medical, it usually means something else is going on and its manifesting as decreased sex drive. Unless your just not into him and staying in the relationship because its comfortable…….

    • I haven’t talked to my doctor about this but have a check up with my gyn in August, so I can bring it up then. I also think I am pretty depressed and the steps I have been taking on my own haven’t been working to alleviate it. I’m only in my 20s so this is sort of worrisome.

      • This is happening to me too – no desire of any kind for anyone. I am also in my 20s, and married to a wonderful man who loves me. The amount of shame, frustration, anxiety, despair, and hopelessness I feel about this are overwhelming. You are not alone. Be aware that most people who you are brave enough to tell, personal or professional, will have no idea what they are talking about. Find a doctor and a therapist who are board-certified or licensed in s*xual issues / s*x therapy / s*xual dysfunction. Get books by such persons as well. A regular doctor is not going to cut it. Even among doctors, there is a lot of ignorance and misinformation. Some may tell you it’s all in your head, or just to have a glass of wine and relax! Or use more l*be. Like you haven’t tried those ideas already. Many therapists are also ignorant and will tell you to leave your relationship. This issue is not something that most doctors encounter, so they don’t know what to do and offer ignorant advice (been there). Female issues in this area are very under-researched, in contrast to the abundance of research into male issues. Shocker. I am finally receiving care from a s*xual dysfunction specialist at a major research hospital who is some distance from my home and not in network. But for the first time, I have a faint glimmer of hope. She put me on Wellbutrin and referred me to a psychiatrist who specializes in these issues. You are not alone. Go get the help you need. Hugs.

      • Are you on any meds that may affect libido? Did you ever have a strong libido? If so, when did it change? Was s*x painful for you? Do you feel any attraction to other people (real or fictional/celebrity)? Do you have any other symptoms of depression (I believe there is a screening tool somewhere online, someone else may have the link handy)?

        Have you talked to the SO about it? Has he tried to talk to you about it?

        I know this is all questions and no answers, but honestly its hard to say without knowing more and I think you’ll want to think about those things in preparation for when you go see a doctor or counselor about it. Its great that you are ready to speak up about the problem and get help. I really hope you find answers.

  58. Recommendations for sending a meal in Virginia? My friend got in a car accident and I want to send some meals for him and his SO

    • Depends where in VA. You’re probably going to have to be more specific. In urban areas, there will generally be kind of “pre-made” meal delivery services where you just follow the instructions to bake it. But in more rural areas, you might need to find a place that delivers (and frankly, I might just get them a gift card so they can order when they most need the dinner.)

      And alternative is to go to Trader Joes or Whole Foods and get a bunch of kind of healthy snacks and easy to prepare dry-foods and mail them to them, so they can just have a bunch of fun things around the house but not have just one meal.

    • Takeout Taxi and Seamless both deliver in Northern Virginia, if that’s where your friends are.

  59. Age & Dress :

    Jezebel has an article today about how to look your age and not be mistaken as younger than you are. Some of the suggestions don’t really work for me. I look like I’m playing dress-up in a suit but that may be because I feel like I am. Make-up and short hair doesn’t really work for me either.

    Anyone go through the looking young/not being taken seriously dynamic? If so, how did you get it to work out in your favor?

    • I used to worry about being taken seriously at work when I was in my twenties. I definitely dressed “older” to compensate. I also worked hard to lose my girlish? way? of talking? which arose from being an original valley girl.

      Now that I’m 47, of course, I’d like to go the other way!

      Yesterday at my kids’ school, one of the kindergartners mistook me for the first grade teacher. At first I was insulted because she outweighs me by at least 50 pounds. But then I realized that offense was offset by the fact that she’s 20 years younger than me. :)

      • In my 30s; gotten the just graduated/”you looked 18 coming through the door” at work. The urge to punch someone was very high. I wouldn’t have worried about correcting them and moving on if they didn’t already know it wasn’t true.

    • This is the story of my life. It is incredibly annoying and definitely undercuts professional credibility. And its unfair, because there is nothing I can do about it. I call it Rory Gilmore syndrome (though I guess it should be Alexis Bledel syndrome). AB is in her 30s and doesn’t look a day over 18. I have the same sort of face that is just inherently young looking.

      I do try to dress more formally than I otherwise would. I rarely do jeans on casual friday. I wear makeup every day. I refuse to cut my hair short. And the next time someone tells me I look like a teenager, I’m going to tell them how old they look.

    • I look quite young (probably about 25). I have found, as an attorney, that it definitely works to my advantage to be perceived by the other side as naive and junior. My colleagues know I’m competent and sharp, so it doesn’t hurt me in my office at all. So I think that if you prove yourself as an effective and intelligent employee, it doesn’t matter at all if you look 10 years younger than you are.

  60. Interesting NYTimes article for Kat (and other new/potential moms) on start-ups and motherhood. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/10/business/nurturing-a-baby-and-a-start-up-business.html?pagewanted=1&hp

    • Anonymous :

      is there a section on how to become a full time mom/blogger and yet do nothing more with you successful blog than you did when you were working full time as a lawyer? cause there should be . . .

      • http://vimeo.com/4263717

        • Deftly done, mamabear.

          Also, people who’ve come up with a truly awesome zinger should get credit for it, right? And be recognizable every time they come back to the site? So why be anonymous, Anonymous?

        • LOL I am going to bust out this video during conference calls.

      • Yes, it says “find a successful model that appeals to all sorts of women who are and aren’t moms and then don’t f*ck with it.”

        Its freaking rocket science.

      • I have nothing but respect for Kat and all successful entrepreneurs.

        I don’t respect anonymous commenters who have nothing better to do than make tasteless comments.

        • Except Ellen of course, right?

          • Divaliscious11 :

            But even Ellen identifies as Ellen.

            I think its cowardly to go anon to be snarky. I totally get the folks who go anon for specific advice, as they may not want folks who know their online identity to know that particular fact, but otherwise, it just smacks of internet bullying or online bravado….

          • Plus Ellen never BullEys. She’s just weird.

  61. I'm Just Me :

    Did someone mention this Merona blouse in the recent Target thread?


    I just saw it at the store and bought it. Planning to wear it with The Skirt in black and a lavendar cardi.

    I got the floral print, but they had several prints not shown online in the store. It was marked down to $17.

  62. Okay, I can’t believe this article from our paper today. I mean I can, but it’s just so sick. At least the attorney in question was immediately fired. http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2012/06/nola_attorney_accused_of_mastu.html

    • karenpadi :

      Eww. Gross. But not surprising (to me). Kudos to the woman who reported this and is suing/pressing charges!

      I know 95% of men are wonderful people who think this is wrong and gross. But how to communicate the level of intimidation and fear she must have felt? How do women communicate that it’s stories like this that make us feel fearful for our own safety around men?

    • AnonInfinity :


    • Anon for this :

      I lived in a state where a landlord was prosecuted for doing the same thing in a young female tenant’s apartment, though they only had proof he did it on one occasion. He was found not guilty at a bench trial b/c he alleged to have smelled smoke and that is why he entered the apartment. I think the judge should have found that when he realized there was no fire and stayed to do his personal business, he had overstayed his lawful entry. In that case, he was prosecuted for criminal trespassing I believe.

  63. I’m new to Chicago and looking for recommendations for a salon (and better, specific stylist) that’s good for curly hair.

    I’ve gotten my best cuts from people trained in the Devacurl method. I found the salon look-up function on the Deva website but since there are several options, would love to get a personal rec. I’d like to keep it under $100, including tip. TIA!

    • I also have curly hair and have had good luck perusing naturallycurly.com for this type of thing. They have a Salon Locator with reviews and you can search the messageboard too. Good luck!

  64. K… And others… It was good to see your thread on endometriosis… I am a fellow sufferer and hope I’m not too late for this discussion. I’m having my second surgery in 4 yrs to get rid of it..once again. This time I’m thinking of getting a mirena at the same time (dr recommended). Has anyone gotten a mirena for this reason or just for birth control and willing to share your experience? I’ve only ever been on the pill but it’s not helping slow down my symptoms enough. I’d appreciate any insight.

    • I loved the Mirena, but only got it for BC. It made my periods lighter than on the pill and I had no problems with cramps or expulsion. I wish I’d gotten it five years earlier.

    • I have the Mirena for BC. It hurt like a b going in, but if you got it placed under anesthesia, I guess that’s no concern. I get no periods and haven’t had any major cramping problems (unlike some other people).

      Frankly, I think its like a little miracle plastic device in my uterus. But — that’s just me.

    • K... in transition :

      Happy to help! Docs put me on mirena and it’s definitely helped me… as has avoiding anything with soy! Let’s keep in touch about this? feel free to email, I’m always up for having another endo sister to chat with! munchkin 1616 at juno dot com

  65. Hatch Act? :

    Any federal r e t t e ‘ s serve on a mayor’s cousnel (local issues; citizen input; non-partisian but may be ongoing or timebound but are not based on who is actually mayor but more the issue/initiative)? Also have to chance to work on the lobbying/legislative tracking for a non-profit. Both have to nothing to do with my employment and are part of professional/cultural organizations.

    I don’t think any of this would be in violation of the act since it is not election related but it is “political involvement” if someone wanted to cause trouble. I would want my bases covered. Local legal said any dispensation from them would cover me if they gave bad advice. Should I send a reheat to the OSC since they are the official arbitrators?

    • Your agency should have an OGC right? or at least an ethics official? Im actually more concerned without outside employment aspect of it.

  66. What a FIND I got on SALE today!

    I went to Bloomies, Lord and Taylor’s, Macy’s and even Bergdorf –It was SO expensive, but afterward, I walked INTO Ann Taylor’s and bought a great PAIR of leather pump’s PLUS a carry-all bag at 25% of cost’s at Ann Taylor’s for $80 (FOR BOTH)!

    I hope the manageing partner will apprecieate that I am a GREAT shopper! I am saveing him alot of money b/c he is not going to have to be payeing me as much for my 20% !!!! Yay!!!!

  67. springtime :

    Travelling to Australia soon- I am going to Airlie Beach/Whitsundays, Brisbane and surrounding area, Sydney, Blue Mountains, and Melbourne.

    Anyone have any advice for Airlie beach and Brisbane area accomodation? I’m thinking of staying in hostels, preferably private room though, so I can meet some people.

    Also, any suggestions as to ‘must dos’ and places to eat would be fab. I’m already planning on doing a 2 day sailing trip in the Whitsundays.

  68. Any current or former military-ettes out there? I’m thinking about joining as a professional (think lawyer/doctor), but I’m in my late twenties and single and not sure if this would mean, well, staying single forever. I realize I am probably being a wee melodramatic, but I would love to hear stories/thoughts.

    • Franny, I was a military lawyer for a bit. Email me at dccorporette at yahoo dot com

    • I’m assuming you would go in as an officer which theoretically means you can stay until you resign your commission. Don’t go in as a warrant officer; make sure it is as an officer. I would not join unless you have a thick skin. The next thought may be unpopular but . . . Also stay away from the other military members. 90% are undatable, condescending and worse than the “sissy college frat boys” they look down upon. Many hold onto the old idea that there are male roles and female roles.

      • I said many are undatable because of what I listed above and those that don’t hold that view are usually taken. So a large pool of men but not the best way to meet them. Dating more than one of them, even if they are in a different unit, is viewed as if you were dating within a small group of childhood buddies.

  69. Ladies, I have been a terribly absentee commenter, but just wanted to report back: I’m two weeks into my new job in Hometown City and this was definitely, definitely a fantastic opportunity for me. There is so much more potential here, professionally: the environment, despite being more dude-heavy *feels* far more woman-friendly (possibly because the partners are younger and have wives who are lawyers too), the work is higher-quality, and man, the jump from “regional biglaw” to “real” biglaw has been accompanied by a far, far better level of service from staff and administrative folks.

    Only downside: now living with parents, who are asking everyone (including, like, shopowners and people at the grocery store) if they “happen to know any nice, single guys.” SIGH.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Yay! Congrats. And hey, if they find one it’s all good. My secretary was apparently trying to sell me to a married man on her vacation. “he was so cute” “but I’m looking for single men! Single”. :)

    • Seattleite :

      Thanks for the update! I’d noticed your absence and hoped you were moving. Glad it’s all going well.

    • I thought of you this week and was wondering. I’m so happy for you! If you remember, my father’s family lived in your Hometown City for 4-5 generations and I currently live in your (and ED MD’s) Old City – Seattle. Your new job sound peachy and I’m sure time with the ‘rents will go quickly.

  70. I know this isn’t the forum for this, but I don’t know where else to ask. Where can you get help for domestic (phyiscal) abuse without involving police or law enforcement? For a variety of reasons, I can’t/don’t want to leave my husband, but I do want this behavior to stop. It is low level, but has been ongoing for several years. We’ve gone together to an anger management class, as well as to couples counseling, but I have not brought up the physical stuff for fear of repercussions that could impact our young children. I just want this to stop, and I don’t want my children to grow up thinking it’s normal for their father to treat me with such disrespect.

    • Physical abuse is not disrespect, its violence and its incredibly dangerous. BUT, any good DV-organization should be able to give you assistance in at least safety-planning and strategizing without involving the police and/or the criminal justice system. For example, some strategies include always having a go-bag packed and stored in your trunk, at a friends house, at work wherever with copies of all vital info about your children and you, with some cash, and a pre-paid cell-phone. Because if/when you do decide to leave, you may not be able to get all this if you go to shelter.

      Technically, in some states you can get a restraining order that merely orders that the perpetrator stop the abuse and not that he stay away from you. But, those orders are only enforceable if you’re willing to call the cops in the event that he violates, which it sounds like you’re not.

      Now let me add this. I know its scary to think about leaving a partner. And there will be people here and elsewhere who tell you you’re being stupid for not leaving, but I understand that there are a million reasons people don’t leave husbands who abuse them. I really do. But violence and abuse doesn’t stop. It really only gets worse. And you have to remember that its cyclical, not just within a relationship but between generations, so if you have a daughter she may grow up to think that its okay for a man to hit her and if you have a son he may grow up to think its all right to hit. I know the thought of leaving probably makes you feel isolated and alone, but you have more resources out there then you think. You just have to ask for the help.

      But the short answer is — if he’s been to anger management and you’ve been to counseling, there isn’t a silver bullet. I’m so sorry this is happening to you — remember — there’s help out there when you decide to use it.

      • “But violence and abuse doesn’t stop. It really only gets worse.”

        I think this is untrue and unhelpful. While I certainly wouldn’t suggest that a woman remain in a relationship with an abuser in the vague hope that he’ll change, people who want to change can change. The same is true for drug users, alcoholics, and people with all other kinds of problems – if and when they decide they want to change, with help, they can change. I can’t say if the OP’s husband is someone who wants to change, but if he’s taking positive steps in that direction, I completely understand why she doesn’t want to give up on him yet.

        • honestly, this is the most idiotic thing I have ever read.

          Once your an addict your always an addict. an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. they may be able to be sober and stop using, but all will tell you they are just one drink away from having a problem again.

          her husband will always be an abuser. Sure, its possible he could get help and get better, but unlike alcoholism and addiction, beating a woman IS NOT A DISEASE. no one is addicted to hitting their wife. They do it to control her, demean her, show power, or just because he can. it is completely different than an addiction.

          • I may be an idiot, but I’m a relationship violence survivor and I also believe people can change. But by your own theory, you will always be an @sshole.

          • I’m not an @sshole. But to suggest that domestic violence is like an addiction I do find idiotic. I’m speaking from years of experience with dv victims. And while I wouldn’t say no one can ever change, you have to realize that realistically, the majority of violent people do not change. I think it was extremely unhelpful, and even dangerous, for you to give the advice you gave that hey! people can change! people change all the time. Addiction is completely different from physically abusing someone.

        • Wow…this has stirred up some strong feelings for me. Hugs to anon and the other posters on this topic. Yes, people who want to change can change. However…and this is what the OP needs to focus on… she has NO control over whether he will change or not. I believe you should never stay with an abuser because “you don’t want to give up on him just yet.”. There are NO positive steps towards ending abuse. It either ends or it doesn’t. Anon has the responsibility to herself and her kids to get them out of an abusive situation. Period. Doesn’t mean giving up on or stopping loving the person who is the abuser. Wish him well, pray for him, encourage him to get help. It means putting your safety and your kids safety first. It is NOT safe to stay where there is violence.

          Anon, I echo the advice given here by others that you get into individual counseling and
          tell the counselor the truth. You need someone to help you tease out your conflicted

        • I understand that you believe that people can change and want to have faith, but having worked with DV survivors, abusers rarely change without major intervention. As in — separation, serious and long term abuser focused therapy, and limited contact.

          But…I also believe that the choice has to be made by the person in the situation. They are the only ones who understand the actual safety of the situation.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Sometimes, as a mother, you need to do the thing you can’t/don’t want to do. Here, that could mean bringing this up in counseling. Are you worried about them being required to report suspected instances of child abuse? You could call an anonymous domestic violence hotline to get advice about whether what you are experiencing might trigger that.

      The thing is, while an ideal situation might be him stopping, you can’t make that happen. So if you don’t want your children to grow up thinking the situation is normal, you may need to leave. Is there a women’s shelter in your area? This might be a good place to go to start thinking about how you can change can’t/don’t to can/must.

    • Has he been physically violent to your young children? If not, and if he’s not abusive to them, there’s no reason that bringing this up in counseling would lead to repercussions that could impact them. Your counselor will not report your husband’s violence toward you unless it threatens your life or unless you want the counselor to report it. (If there is physical abuse of your children, then you need some serious counseling on your own, because you’re putting your children at serious risk by not reporting the abuse, and you should report it immediately.)

      I’ve been in an abusive relationship too, and I know it is not so simple to resolve it or to leave. You should bring it up in counseling as soon as possible and discuss it with your counselor, and you each probably need to pursue individual counseling. The fact that your husband is coming to anger management classes and couples counseling demonstrates that he knows he has a problem and wants to work on it. This is a positive step, but you can’t work on a problem when you haven’t told the full truth to your counselor. If you want your marriage to survive and become happy, you need to give your counselor all the information he or she needs to help you work things out. You may also find it beneficial to go on your own to a group therapy session for women in abusive relationships; your counselor could certainly recommend one.

      I know it’s tough. You’re not alone.

      • In my state at least, DV in the presence of children, even if not directed at them, will trigger a child welfare investigation. It’s emotionally abusive to the children to see physical violence between parents, and it f*cks them up good, from a mental health perspective.

        I don’t know if your counselor would make a report, they may not be aware of the above (that DV in presence of children is enough). But to be safe, you can say that he never does it when the children are there. Not that I advocate lying to your counselor, but this would be the best way to avoid involving the police/protective services and still clue your counselor in to the physical violence, which is critical if they’re actually going to be able to help.

        As other posters have suggested, there are a lot of nonprofit organizations that will offer counseling and resources for you w/o involving the police unless you want them to. It’s hard to be specific without knowing your location. If it’s any consolation, even if someone reported it, very few jurisdictions will pursue charges for DV w/o a cooperating victim (unfortunately, but seems to work into what you want).

    • What about individual counseling for you? Could you do it on the down low, if necessary? It might help you clarify your feelings, as well as talk through particularly strategies with an impartial but supportive person?

    • I feel for you and want you to know that you are not alone. I would encourage you to contact your local women’s shelter. In Canada certainly many shelters have excellent community outreach workers who might be able to assist you in accessing resources available to your family locally.

      I, too, find it encouraging that your husband has been prepared to pursue counseling in the past. However, domestic violence cannot properly be addressed through couple’s counseling or, indeed, anger management counseling. I believe that most professionals in this area would agree that domestic violence offender treatment and anger management are two separate concepts. Offender treatment is quite often a lengthy process, with the initial phase sometimes months in duration. Although such programs often involve the partner of an offender through partner checks, they really are something designed to be completed by the offender. It may be that such a program is available in your area and that your husband may be prepared to commit to completing it.

      I agree wholeheartedly with TCFKAG that there is no “silver bullet” and that you should also consider some safety planning for yourself, but I can tell you that there are families who, through hard work on the part of the offender, are able to survive this kind of situation. I truly hope that will be the case for you and yours.

      Doing nothing will almost certainly ensure the situation will remain the same or escalate. I think it is wonderful that you are searching for a way to address your situation. Do not give up – you will find the way forward for you and your children.

    • anon, my heart is breaking for you. You say you’re afraid the repercussions of bringing up your husband’s physical abuse in counseling might harm your children–but have you thought about how harmful it is to be in a house with a father who abuses their mother? What do you think that’s teaching them? What do you think they’re feeling, when they’re listening to your husband scream at you? Hit you?

      You can’t make your husband stop abusing you. That power resides solely with him. As others have said, please get in touch with your local women’s shelter or a domestic violence hotline. They can help you discuss your options, and make sure that you have a plan in place if your husband escalates the violence.

    • scientist :

      My father was abusive to my mother, for years. She was so wrapped up in her world that she missed the abuse that I received from the age of 5 until 11 when I told her. And even then, it was hard for all of us.

      Now, I have a hard time having respect for my mother. She stayed because she was afraid that he was right, that she wasn’t smart enough or strong enough to be on her own. And because she waited so long, that became the truth.

      Please, please, PLEASE, leave. Talk to the one person you trust the most, get your things, your kids, and get out. It will be harder the longer you wait.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      1.) Here is the number to a national DV hotline. 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) Here is their web address: http://www.thehotline.org/

      2.) Research this stuff on computers he can’t check like your work computer or library unless you are 100% confident in your ability to clear all evidence of your research. You don’t want him knowing you are seeking advice. There is more info on this and a quick “escape from this website” button on the website listed above.

      3.) Read Gavin De Becker’s Gift of Fear.

      4.) Know that we are all pulling for you. Keep checking in here when you need support and letting us know how you are doing.

      • Anonymous :

        Also read:
        Lundy Bancroft’s
        Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

        he specifically addresses questions of what can be changed and what cannot and gives good advice on finding the right help for the man.

    • OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to write and offer suggestions. You have given me a lot to think about, and helped me think more objectively. I am aware of many of the issues raised, but as those of you who have been in similar situations know, real life is not black and white.

      It’s late now, but I do want to address some concerns. First of all, my husband does not mistreat the children (in fact he’s otherwise a great parent), but the incidents have occurred in front of them. Second, there are complicating factors: I am currently unemployed, do not live in my home country, and do not have a support system of family or close friends whom I care to involve in this. Third, my understanding was that the counselor would have been forced to report domestic violence taking place in a household with young children present. My main concern is that this might somehow lead to the kids being taken away, and secondly that it could affect my husband’s job (and thus ability to provide financial support).

      I don’t know why I never thought of contacting an anonymous DV hotline/organization. That is what I am going to do. Right now what I really need is to be able to talk with a professional with experience in such things, to seek advice and to explore my options, without fear of unintended consequences.

      I don’t feel comfortable going into more detail here, but please know that I appreciate all of your comments, and have taken to heart what you have all said.

      • OP — it is a very, very good idea to talk to a anonymous DV counselor. Some things you should know:

        (1) If you are concerned about your legal status (for example, if your green card arises from your marriage), there is a green card application status specifically for victims of crimes that is frequently used by victims of DV. A DV advocacy place could connect you to a pro-bono attorney who could help you understand this.

        (2) There are concerns with restraining orders, especially if your husband works in an industry where background checks or issues on your criminal background check can be an issue. But, this can be used as a bargaining chip in separation cases where you do decide to leave — but again, that’s only something to keep in mind for safety planning when you DO decide you’re ready to go.

        (3) Try to remember that if you do separate, there are options. Public benefits, and DV agencies will help you get through until you can get on your feet. The court also has ways to order your husband to continue support without disclosing your location, if that is necessary (that can even include visitation with your children — such as a neutral party doing children exchanges). Again, these are issues DV advocates can talk to you about because they deal with them frequently.

        Good luck. Sometimes talking about it is the first step. But please, do remember, the time where you first decide or even think of leaving is most dangerous. Be aware of your safety and really do talk to a DV advocate about safety planning.

      • I’m really proud of you for taking this step; you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Please stay safe and keep us updated.

        I know that nonprofits and government services provide aid regardless of immigration status. After coming up with a safety plan, your very next step is to talk about your immigration status with an attorney. (a DV counselor can help set this up)



  71. Charmed Girl :

    So, for your random Sunday afternoon, here are a couple of unrelated questions.

    In the recent Nordstom sale, I bought the skirt in blue spectrum. I love the color, but can’t figure out what to wear with it other than a black sweater set. Fashionable ladies, please help!

    Also, I’m going to be traveling to San Francisco next week from the east coast and so will be looking for an early dinner. I’m wanting to try the Slanted Door, but pulled the trigger too late to make reservations (nothing available). Does anyone know if there is a bar and if that is a good option for a most-likely single diner?


    • I'm Just Me :

      Depending on the shade of blue, coral/orange, yellow, some greens. Camel/beige/taupe and grey are always safe. Some purple/violets can go with some blues.

      • Charmed Girl :

        Thanks, its a pretty zow-ey blue, so I think the camels and greys would work. The other colors would be good accent colors. Thanks for helping me think beyond my normal monochrome self :)

    • yup, they have a bar and you can eat at the bar; I have in the past (by myself as well). Another option for Slanted Door food, is their Out the Door restaurant in the Bloomie’s shopping center. Definitely not as nice, but they do have good food.

      • Charmed Girl :

        Thanks Anon– I think I’ll give the bar a try. Uncharacteristically, I was in SF earlier this spring and wanted to go then and wasn’t able to make it, this will probably be my chance…

    • Betsy Bee :

      My husband and I were in San Francisco a few weekends ago and also struck out with reservations at the Slanted Door. Undeterred, we just showed up around 8 and were seated right away at a community table! Very large space and felt private. Highly recommend giving that a shot and they also have open seating at the bar. Amazing food and top-notch service. Enjoy!!!

    • I have this blue. I’ve also worn it with button down with pale purple pin stripes as well as patterns with blue in it.

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