Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Cut Out Top

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Three Dots Red Women's Cut Out TopAmazon is having some amazing clothing sales right now (case in point: this Kimberly Taylor pink silk blouse that was $295, but now marked to $46 — single item left in stock (lucky size M)). For an item that has a few more pieces left in stock, though, I really like this cut out top from one of my favorite brands, Three Dots Red (designed to be a bit looser and more relaxed than the original Three Dots collection).  I think the twisted neckline and tiny cutouts are interesting without being inappropriate, and in general it just looks like an easy to wear top.  It was $95, but is now marked to $47-$73 in three colors (and is part of Amazon’s “spend $100 on clothes, get $20 off” promotion going on right now — see the full selection here.)    Three Dots Red Women’s Cut Out Top

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Comments

  1. Pretty!

    3 more hours of work til the holidays and it is dead as a door nail. I’m currently planning my Christmas brunch menu and spinning around in my chair. I almost want a service to go down so at least the phones will ring.

    • Merabella :

      It is morning at my office and I believe there are a total of 5 people here (out of an office of 40). I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to do work.

      • Likewise. It’s silent around here. Not that I’m complaining, it’s nice to have time to knock out a few things.

      • I just organized so many papers! Not sure I can accomplish anything beyond that today.

      • There are normally only 4 of us here, today only 2. Yesterday I was in the office by myself from 3pm on.

        Is anyone working Monday? I’m thinking maybe a half day. The same goes for New Year’s Eve – anyone working that day?

        • the 24th is a holiday for me; the 31st isn’t, so I’ll be here :D

        • I will be here on New Year’s Eve! Not Monday, though.

        • my office is a ghost town. I am coming in, and will prob be in on 24th & 31st, just so I don’t have to use a vacation day. But I’m doing pretty short days, since no one is here to know! ;o)

    • I say this is the day for office chair races with whomever is around.

      AND GO!

      • Equity's Darling :

        Last year the guy I articled with got us both NERF guns to play with on the final afternoon. It was epic. Luckily the partners at our firm found us amusing more than anything else.

    • My office is sooooooo quiet, which makes my donuts that much more enjoyable.

    • What are you serving for Christmas brunch?

      Mine is:
      egg casseroles (one with meat and one vegetarian)
      stuffed french toast (a new recipe I’m trying – didn’t like the one I did last year)
      hashbrown casserole (total crowd-pleaser)
      bacon (turkey and pork)
      fruit
      scones
      poinsettias (suggested by Petunia – champagne and pomegranate juice)
      brandy milk punch

      • Sounds delicious :D I’m on my way. Maybe I should make bacon and cheddar scones.

        • You know, the scones are the one thing I’m not making. One of my friends loves to make them and she offered so I took her up on it. I had looked at cherry and almond scone recipes but I was a little hesitant to try them the first time for company.

          And you’re always welcome!

      • I hope the poinsettias are a hit! I served them at a party this weekend and it was a success.

        • I love the idea, and they’re on my menu, too -thanks, Petunia.

          Our Christmas tradition is a Mexican dinner centered around my grandfather’s mole recipe (vegan chicken, though, so therefore not totally traditional), rice, beans, tortillas, green salad with avocados and tomatoes, which looks Christmasy, and maybe a cinnamon chocloate cake. And now poinsettias.

    • I am curled up at my parents house, sort of working from home, a day early thanks to the storm. Instead of a half day at work and driving home I came last night without a car… the peace and quiet is sooo nice

    • Boss just sent us home. Feel like a kid out of school, even though I just have laundry and long neglected research work awaiting me.

    • It is buuussssyyy around here today and there are lots of people in the office. I have a ton to do before I can escape at 5, including a transaction closing! It’s at times like this that I wish I was a litigator….well, except for the inevitable Christmas Eve family access applications….

      • If it helps, I’m a litigator and have been working late every night this week and am still rushing to get everything done today that needs to get done, and the phone is ringing off the hook.

    • …Collective sigh from all of us transactional ‘r e t t e s scrambling to close deals by year end …

      • I hear you girl! Scrambling here too…

      • Did someone call me? Yep, my floor is fully of people busily working away in hoping of taking off Christmas day.

  2. Ladies, I need a reality check. I went with my boyfriend of 6 years to his holiday party earlier this week. As the night got later, guys he worked with were drunk, several who were senior to him had wives who had gone home, and they were too close with young women there (their secretaries, waitresses) for my comfort, touching too much in a booth, kiss on the cheek that lingered, that kind of thing. My boyfriend was intensely engaged in totally approrpriate conversations with colleagues and I have never worried about him in that regard. I told him I was uncomfortable (as I had just met their wives). He thinks that “nothing was happening” and “that’s the way things go; they’d never jeopardize anything and it was just flirting.” He thinks I’m overreacting. I am upset we’re not on the same page about the activity being totally inappropriate and disrespectful. What do you think?

    • Maybe he has a different standard for others than he does for himself? I think this would bother me too, but what would be most important is that my SO and I are on the same page about what’s inappropriate and not in our own relationship. It could be that this is behavior he would never do but he’s not going to openly condemn his friends or superiors for it.

    • I think your husband’s company sounds like a s*xual harassment suit waiting to happen.

      But I can also see where your husband may, having been exposed to this behavior many times and sort of categorized it as “thats just how they are”, have come to the conclusion that its not a big deal for *them*. And he may simply feel powerless to do anything anyway.

      I guess I agree with Anon on focusing on making sure that you’re both on the same page with regards to your own relationship – and focus less on him getting to agree that what they were doing was wrong vis a vis their wives.

    • phillygirlruns :

      i think that the real question is whether you think his response actually makes him likely to engage in behavior that makes you uncomfortable. it’s not fair to project his coworkers’ behavior onto him or to punish him for things they’re doing – but if the two of you aren’t on the same page about what behavior you are and aren’t OK with, then that’s an issue.

      i say this as a person who has always engaged in “harmless flirting” regardless of whether i’m in a relationship – to me, it doesn’t reflect at all on the person i choose to spend my time with and it’s something i enjoy. i don’t think it’s universally wrong to be uncomfortable with your SO doing that type of thing, but i wouldn’t want to date someone who wasn’t OK with it – it wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

    • Young Consultant :

      I agree with phillygirlruns

      I think this really depends on whether he meant “this behavior is fine for them and me and everyone” or he meant, “Oh, that’s just how they behave and I’m used to it.” My boyfriend of many years has some friends who are particularly badly behaved and while I may not love their behavior, he is more or less immune to it. He would never behave that way, but he is kind of past judging them for it.

      The key is knowing that he agrees with you about how the two of you should act when the other is not around.

    • Yay! FRUEGEL FRIDAY’s! I like the top, but do NOT want to have the manageing partner and Frank peeking! FOOEY.

      I sympathise with you. I think the older guy’s at the party are NOT acting apropriately. YOU should talk to your boyfreind to make sure he does NOT look up to guy’s like that, b/c he could be goieng out drinkeing with those guy’s when you are NOT thereto police him. FOOEY on those men for NOT being faithful to their wive’s.

      I just had our firm’s party last nite and it was generaly good, but there was a problem. My dad got VERY mad b/c Gonezalo kept makeing these clickeing noises with his tongue alot when I walked by, and my dad said it was demening to me sexueally. I am VERY used to guy’s who do thing’s like that, and am NOT attracted to men who think I am interested in that, b/c I know that just is subjugeateing to me as a WOMAN, so I just IGNORE that. FOOEY on Gonezalo for alot of reasons, that I do NOT even care to disscuss.

      But anyway, my dad is VERY protective of me and he called GONEZALO out on it, makeing him apologise to me. Fortuneatlely I was abel to NIP thing’s in the bud by telleing my dad that I was NOT interested in him or ANY guy who did that. My dad also had a great talk with Roberta, and Roberta ate alot of the cheeze and so many other ordurves that she could NOT even eat the Sammon or the cake’s we had brought in from CRUMBS! I had the resturant package up all of the deserts, and I gave doggie boxes of cookies and cakes to Margie and the Manageing Partner (includeing the rasberrry cookies, YUM!!!), Roberta, Frank and Myrna. Myrna also got to take home 3 bottel’s of UNOPENED Cabernay and some white wine that I did NOT even try.

      Dad brought home some chicken and 2 fillet minnon’s home for mom b/c he said mom would like it. I hope she does. Frank took home alot of the chicken too. He said he has 3 cats who will eat it, but I think he is goieng to eat it himself. I personaly only took home desert. I do NOT like to reheat food. FOOEY!

      The manageing partner REALY liked my dad, and they agreed to meet to play golf together at the manageing partner’s club nearby in the SPRING. Yay! I was so worried that My dad would talk SHOP with the manageing partner about ME and my caseload’s and my need for a better ofice with a WINDOW and the whole thing about the PARNTERSHIP and buyeing in! Wow, I am glad that they did NOT.

      Gonezalo did an OK job with the place, but the hired help was NOT seasoned. We had a couple of women who served CRU DE TEY instead of the pig’s in the blanket I ordered. Frank got a little drunk (what’s new) and Jim and his genereal council were there long enough to scoop up most of the vanilla HAGEN DAZ ice cream before other’s could getat it.

      With all of the peeople, we could NOT have a 100% sit down dinner, so peeople had to serve themselfes dinner, but they DID deliver coffee, tea and desert to the table’s (except for the ice cream, which was SERVE yourselfes.

      So all in all, it was GOOD. I am stayeing at home to relax and am NOT goeing back to work until WEDNESDAY, so I have a lot of time off to relax. YAY!!!!!!

      I have alot of thing’s to do and am goeing to call MYRNA later today after I finish watcheing TV!

      Happy HOLIDAY’s to Kat and to all at the HIVE!!!!!! Yay!!!!

    • Divaliscious11 :

      I’ve totally been in that place, and my best advice is to mind your business. As long as you and your boyfriend are clear on what is acceptable within your relationship, I would not worry what other people are doing, and you don’t want your boyfriend to not feel comfortable with you at events because he feels like you are judging everyone around you. What the other guys were doing may have been completely inappropriate with regard to their spouses etc… but isn’t really your concern.

    • I think you’re overreacting. Your boyfriend wasn’t involved in the flirting, and (based on what you wrote) you didn’t witness any behavior that appeared to be unwelcome or unwanted. Maybe the men are skeevy; maybe their wives don’t care. Unless you either see something that directly affects you (i.e. your boyfriend hits on someone or someone hits on you) or you see someone doing something that the other person involved clearly doesn’t welcome, it’s not your business. You’re totally within your rights not to like or be friends with his coworkers, but I think you should drop it and not bring it up again.

    • I understand how you’re feeling. My SO’s friends are often less than respectful in their treatment of women and take fidelity much less seriously than I would accept.

      It drives me nuts and when I first found out, made me really insecure that no one would bat an eye when someone cheats on their SO for instance. So we had a long conversation about it and he assured me that just because his friends are like that, doesn’t mean he is. And I trust him and am sure he wouldn’t cheat. It also bothers me on a more ethical/moral level because I feel like your friends should step up and saying something if you’re cheating on your SO but that’s neither here or there.

      So after we talked about why it bothers me and how he doesn’t really see anything wrong with it (he doesn’t agree with the cheating but it’s apparently just the way they are), I dropped it. It still bothers me a little but I try to remember that I’m lucky that I have a faithful SO. He just really doesn’t want to rock the boat and call them on it. As it really doesn’t affect me, I just try to let it go.

      But I think the advice about not needing the same standards for other couples as you do for yourselves is spot on. In sum, I don’t think there’s much you can do and as it doesn’t really affect your relationship, I would say just try to let it go. This is one battle that you probably don’t need to fight.

  3. Olivia Pope :

    I don’t think couples need to have the same precise standards for other people, but you do need the same standards for yourselves. If he wouldn’t flirt like that because it would make you uncomfortable / make you feel like your relationship was being disrespected, then you have no conflict. Don’t demand that he have the same feeling as you. I had an ex who did that and it drove me crazy. If neither of you would behave that way, then what’s the issue?

    Now, if your real problem is that you think he would behave that way when you’re not around, then have that conversation with him.

    • Olivia Pope :

      This was a response to jml. Oops.

    • I love the show Scandal but it drives me crazy how unrealistic it is. There are more black and gay republicans on that show than there is in the whole entire party.

      Kerry Washington always looks amazing and appropriate.

      • Seconded and spoiler alert.

        I am beginning to think Fitz is/was an idealized version of George W.–“compassionate” aka moderate/big tent conservative. And he had election “inconsistencies” too.

  4. Constant Comment :

    Love that pink silk shirt, wow. Only one left- hope some R E T T E gets it!

  5. Anastasia :

    I have a gift-shopping mission for anyone who chooses to accept it on this sloooow day at the office:

    I’m looking for a bright-colored, structured leather purse to give to someone who admired my “sunshine” color Kate Spade bag all spring/summer. No particular color in mind, as long as it’s cheerful-looking. No particular size requirements as far as fitting files or laptops, but definitely looking for a good-sized purse, not a wristlet. I’d like to keep it under $150, and less is better, but don’t want it to look cheap.

    Any ideas? TIA!

  6. momentsofabsurdity :

    Safe travels to any and all who are traveling today! I’m hoping my flight doesn’t get delayed by the New England storm – and I’m judging myself x 1,000,000 that all that’s in my suitcase is dirty clothes, so I can do laundry at my parents’ for free.

    • Ha ha! I do that too! One year my brother gave me a ride to my parents’ place and I just put my laundry basket and bag of gifts in the back of his car.

  7. Flying Squirrel :

    Job search TJ:

    Ladies, I need some job searcy wisdom/consolation.

    I flew out for a job interview at a midsize start up last week (after already having had great phone interviews with the CEO and VP who would be my direct boss). I felt like the day went great..awesome people, cool product. At the end of the long day of interviews, thee VP said the specific position was a very difficult one to fill, but she felt like id be great at it. Then we talked compensation specifics and left it that we’d reconnect this week after she had a chance to get feedback from my other interviewers and get more specifics on what they could offer and I had a chance to talk to DH and meet with a few more folks who work for ther company from my current location. She emailed again late last week to ask if id been able to meet with the other folks and when we could connect this week. I responded immediately but never heard back. I pinged her again on Wednesday, but still no reply.

    The job was not yet officially posted, so I don’t think they interviewed any candidates after me. Things seemed so great last week that I can’t figure out what happened (I mean, after a company spends a couple grand to fly you cross country for an interview wouldn’t they at least want to let you know they decided to go in another direction?) I know she is planning to travel for the holiday, so maybe she’s busy??? Just seems weird when previously things were so positive.

    • I’ve had that happen. Had a bunch of interviews, things went great, it took weeks to hear back, they had more interviews, they figured out pay, etc, everything – and then it took them 5 weeks to give me an offer letter. By that time, I was so fed up that I declined the job and I definitely would have taken it if they hadn’t jerked me around for so long.

      Maybe they don’t have their act together yet with hiring, maybe everyone is away for the holidays – who knows.

    • Honestly – it’s probably the holidays, plus hiring always takes longer than expected, and as much as this job is the center of your world at the moment, it’s probably not the first thing on the minds of people making decisions – it is year end for a lot of people, after all.

      Ask A Manager usually has some good thoughts on hiring timelines, so I’d check out her site, if you have questions.

    • I wouldn’t read anything negative into this or view it as someone jerking you around. Often, things happen behind the scenes that cause a delay. Patience is always your friend when you interview for a job. It’s not a negative until they tell you no.

      • Flying Squirrel :

        Thanks ladies..starting to make myself crazy and second guess everything. I know they are busy, but they originally had been pushing for movijng things very quickly (incl. A mid-jan start date)…but maybe they need to slow things down to manage their projects etc.

    • Dude, it’s the holidays.

    • I work in Silicon Valley. Most (~70% of my clients are startups). The rest are newly public companies that I’ve IPO’d (so I knew them when they were private). Please note, as others said, that 1) It’s the holidays 2) Most startups have very loose vacation policies, so they may be de facto shut down, so you can’t come meet with the rest of the folks/your interviewer can’t schedule things with them and 3) Many, many startups are extremely disorganized with interviewing because they don’t have a strong HR function like a more established company might. So…all that said, if you like the company and don’t mind that the interview process may or may not reflect how organized they are…proceed.

      I would also add that funding for mid-stage (B-C round) startups has been largely flat to down rounds for the second half of this year, based on Valley-wide metrics (not sure if you’re in CA, but…for reference). It may be that they are tweaking their FY2013 Plan and figuring out headcount and burn rate…this is the time of year that a lot of companies are doing bridge rounds in order to figure out if their VCs will continue to fund them, and if so, at what rate. So it’s entirely possible that they like you but don’t know whether they can spare 80K+ for a new hire just now, but will have more insight into their hiring budget in January. Tons of my clients have their big “FY2013 Plan” Board meetings planned for January, so that may be another part of it.

      Good luck!!!!

  8. Hi guys! Just wanted to share my joy — my son was born at 1:15 AM on 12/20. He arrived too quickly for any pain medicine. It was fast and furious but he is mellow and we are doing great!

    I want to thank everyone here who, when I miscarried last year and suggested to you all that I might not tell my husband, gave me an (online) smack upside my head. I really still appreciate this community for the gentle, supportive, yet clear feedback you gave me.

  9. Ladies, I need help. I’m feeling slightly snarky this morning. My boss continues to email another staff person instead of me (similar email addresses) or will email my personal email. I’ve mentioned it to them a few times and still keeps happening. I’m tempted to just not respond to the last one and just let them come ask me about it and then I can say “oh i didn’t see it. not in my work email, can you please resend?” I know it is a small petty thing to be annoyed about but I hate having work files all over the place!!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I had this issue. My boss didn’t know how to remove someone’s email from the autopopulate thing on Outlook. I went down to his desk, with his permission, started typing in my name, clicked down to the personal email, deleted it, deleted other people with names like mine that he doesn’t email often and left my work one. Now his chances of screwing it up are much lower. We are both happy.

      • I had to do the exact same thing for my parents, who were still emailing my AOL address from my middle school days.

        • I had the same things happen and did the same thing. I recommend you do that for your boss.

          • Whoops meant to reply to blonde lawyer – I went to my boss’ outlook (with her permission) and deleted the other addresses from auto populate.

      • Does anyone know how to fix a similar problem in Google Calendar? I misstyped my dh’s email address once, and now I accidentally “invite” this other random guy to all of our appointments. I think I’m relatively tech savvy, but I can’t stop it from autopopulating the wrong email even after I deleted it from my Google contacts.

    • emcsquared :

      I had a boss who did this, and I’m a lawyer so it was a Big Problem to have confidential client files in my personal e-mail. I blocked his e-mails from my personal e-mail so I wouldn’t have to turn over my gmail to a litigation subpoena or something… I also deleted his auto-entry for my personal e-mail, which helped.

      And I totally get the annoyance; I despised that boss anyway, and somehow the e-mail thing was like salt in open wounds.

    • Well, of course you don’t see messages in your personal email–you’re at work. Ha!

  10. Blonde Lawyer :

    This morning I accidentally sprayed hairspray right in my eye and all over the side of my face. The thingy was clogged so it didn’t spray where I intended. Despite rinsing it all off, my face still is sticky and my eye still burns. I might go out and buy some saline and an eye cup. This is what happens when I don’t get enough sleep! Rawr.

    • GAH! I hate that. One time I put nail polish remover all over my face, instead of toner. Ouch, I feel your pain.

      • Once, when I was in fifth grade, my best friend and I were having a sleepover and played makeover. She got the brilliant idea to put nailpolish on my eyebrows. It was a strange idea, and it was painful taking off.

        I don’t think we played makeover after that…

      • I did that too! The burning was awful.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Bought the saline eyewash and some face wipes. Face is less sticky. Eye is less burny. My chemist father would be very disappointed I didn’t have saline wash and an eye cup at home, at work and in my car. LOL. They were buy one get one free so now I’m prepared at home and at work for future klutzy incidences.

      I am totally cringing thinking about using nail polish remover as toner and nail polish on eyebrows!

  11. Two things. (1) Someone was looking for meals that could be prepped and frozen earlier this week (or possibly last week, everything is starting to bleed together). I just put up a blog post on making and freezing breakfast burritos that could help. Just click on my name and it will take you straight there.

    (2) Will someone please tell me I do not need the coat in the link (to follow). I have a red coat that I got last year from Old Navy for $25 that’s still kicking, but the Golden Amber is calling to me (and has been for months).

    Thanks ladies.

  12. emcsquared :

    One of my big deals just closed this morning (yay!!!) and I’m wondering if there are any transactional attorneys on here who have signature page and closing document management strategies to share or pointers for other resources.

    I switched practice areas a year ago, so people expect me (based on my total years as an attorney) to be a well-oiled machine on signature pages, but I always feel like such a frazzle dazzle because, you know, I’m essentially a glorified second-year. This deal went well because I started preparing days in advance and gave myself lots of time away from e-mail to just focus on it, but I feel like I’m still not that efficient and could use some advice.

    • I don’t have the post in front of me, but I feel like sometime a few weeks ago there was some really great and detailed advice about structuring a closing and managing documents. Maybe search back a few weeks and see. I meant to bookmark it.

      • Cornellian :

        That was me! I really want to pass it on to another first year but I think she’ll recognize me in it. :( Thanks again for all the great advice, all!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      There was a great post awhile back about just this. Someone had her first closing and had pulled some all nighters. She was freaked about staying organized and there were about 5 posters or so who gave her tips. Try doing a cite specific search with some lingo unique to your practice group and you might find it. It was in the last month or so I think.

    • It was this thread (fix the THIS SITE name, edited to avoid mod): http://corpor_tte.com/2012/12/06/coffee-break-zip-around-portfolio/

    • anon in tejas :

      congrats!

    • Do look up that post that Cat linked to, but essentially it is all about the closing agenda (with status column) and the box of folders (one folder per document). Coloured sticky tabs are good too, especialy in the last couple of days before closing.

      I can do anything with a closing agenda and a box of folders. BF poked his head in last night when I was watching some stupid wedding show on TV and the bride was in hysterics due to something not happening when it was supposed to, and he decided she must be nuts. I told him it was because she didn’t have a closing agenda.

  13. I have a three dots t-shirt that is 6 years old and it has held up very well. Pricey, but I guess I’ve gotten good wear out of it.

  14. paging Susie:

    I saw your post yesterday, it would be awesome to get something together! send me an email at zoradances at the google mail with some dates that work for you, and we’ll figure out some ‘r3tt3 holiday fun. ;o)

    Same goes for anyone else in the Bay Area that is around during the holidays and would want to have some winter adventures.

    • Ms. Pacific :

      I am in a remote part of the Pacific Northwest, but will be in the Bay Area between the 24th to the 1st. Would love to be able to meet up with some fellow -r3ttes if there is a meetup going on!

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Yes!

      • Hey, Ms. Pacific: that would be awesome, I’m trying to set things up, email me at zoradances at google’s mail service with your location, and we’ll figure some stuff out! ;o)

  15. a. this is a response to your post on the last thread. I hope you see it before the weekend, and hope things are getting better.

    I just saw your post and laughed so inappropriately in the shock of recognition. You’ve got two family dramas I know all too well coming together in one–the overseas visit and dad getting old. I feel for you! I remember your post preparing for this visit recently; so sorry that some of your fears have poked their heads into reality.

    When I’ve lived in Europe, my parents have found it so. very. far. away. In truth, we don’t see each other much more often when I’m just in a different state, but there somehow is a huge emotional block for them. Some things that help on their visits:

    -bringing them something when I come home: flowers from the market that I’m passing anyway (much cheaper than the US, so huge bang for buck), a bottle of local beer, nice tea or cheese when I’m not grocery shopping, that sort of thing. My guess is that they feel overwhelmed by things being different, so my bringing something helps them focus on a detail they like. Or maybe it’s the toddler/teenage girlfriend response “oh, you thought of me?!”

    -when we go out together, I make lots of comments like “when I pass this on my way to work every day, I always think of you because….” or “I’ve been wanting to show you x”. Again, they are way too gratified. I think it shows them that I’m not there to get away from them (I’m not!) and that they are, in some way, present in my daily life.

    -I try to be overly receptive to their ideas about what “local” things they want to do. Hard for me, because of my own expectations and wishes about what we’ll do.

    -being overly solicitous in making sure they are comfortable, have what they need, know what to do, etc. If I need to humble myself in this regard, I just have to recall the time I burst into tears at a light switch. Of course I knew how to operate it. But my hand had to make a different movement than my reflex and it was the culmination of having to think, even just a teeny tiny bit, about all sorts of little things throughout the day that used to be automatic. That’s totally passed for me, but remembering it reminds me that even when things are good, there may be tiny things poking them.

    As for dad getting old, I wish I knew good advice. My dad was so smart, so observant, would make little comments or language-based jokes. These days he can’t remember anything, even in the same conversation, and needs to have jokes dissected. At first it was irritating, especially because he wouldn’t admit it, would just get really irritated, but now he does seem to realize that there is a problem, and is humbled by that. It hurts, and I miss him.

    I hope you have a good visit and make lots of happy little memories for both parties.

    • This is such good advice. I live abroad and am hoping to stay permanently and as an only, this is pretty difficult for my parents. I let them be Facebook friends with me so they can keep up with my life (worth it despite, the ‘so….who is x?’ questions. I also send photos from my phone (a pretty site, something that reminds me of them, pictures of me dressed up before an event, dishes I made). I feel like this helps so that their visits / me coming home feel like like we have to jam everything in at once.

      However, I’m not making it home for Christmas this year and I have a feeling that (despite being not my decision), my mother is not going to forgive me.

      • Cb, where do you live and what kind of work do you do?

        I got my first cell phone and signed up for FB just so I could keep in touch with my family & send pix of DS when we moved to Europe.

        • I’m hosting my own website/blog to keep my family updated. I don’t want everyone I’ve ever met to know this information and for me this is easier than keeping up with facebook’s constantly changing privacy rules. It’s also nice for family members who like to see what I’m up to but aren’t into facebook.

        • I’m doing a research degree in the UK but hoping to make the transition to think tank / government post-Phd.

          • Cb, Cool! That’s the kind of work I’d like to find in Geneva, Paris, London, the Hague,or Brussels.

            CBM, good idea! The Facebook was a fail as far as communicating with the fam–parents hardly look, little sis posted so many annoying htings I unfriended her, big sis just joined last week (3 yrs after we moved back to US)

  16. Ladies, any hangover cure recommendations?

    • fatty foods, hydration, and going back to sleep.

      And time.

    • For me, it’s starchy foods (plain bagel) and a big Gatorade.

    • Coconut water and greasy food.

    • Waffle House + Hydration + Tylenol/Advil

    • Not drinking so much

    • Time travel and a do-over.

      • Lady Enginerd :

        My Gatorade, dry Cheerios, and frantic cataloging of stupid stuff I might have said salutes you and your time machine.

    • This is totally my wheelhouse….a lot of the suggestions below are good. Here are mine: first, bloody mary with pickle juice added (and a couple shots of pure pickle juice if you can stomach it). This should pull you together enough to oget going on the rest of the cure:
      -a little pepto bismol,
      -some ibuprofen (NOT tylenol or anything with aceptometaphin (sp?)).
      -eggs, cheese, and starch – I feel it works best of the eggs are a little runny, so poached or over easy is best.
      -a bunch of coco water all day long, or vitamin water, or gatorade (in that order).
      -a long shower. (this is important)
      -and finally, you should be ready for coffee!

    • SF Bay Associate :

      All these suggestions are great, but the best treatment is water. Lots and lots of water. You should be peeing once an hour, and your pee should be practically clear. You will feel so much better in a few hours.

    • Snack all day when you aren’t sleeping. That’s the only thing that works for me. Which obviously makes me feel even worse about myself because not only did I have to much to drink (how many times to I have to learn THAT lesson??) but in order to fix it I have to quadruple my calories intake. But seriously. It works.

    • Revive Vitamin Water (the fruit punch flavor). Seriously, it has saved my life once or twice.

    • long time lurker :

      Vitamin water, actual vitamins, and something with carbs/grease, and then water and aspirin.

    • Constant Comment :

      Alka Seltzer Wake Up Call- it’s caffeine plus pain reliever, and it makes you drink a big glass of water.

    • Dramamine.

  17. Mountain Girl :

    Totally tired this morning and so ready for the weekend. Started the week home sick, mid week got trapped at work due to a blizzard, spent the night at work last night because of a super late meeting and so I haven’t been home in three days.

    I’m not sure how those of you who pull all-nighters regularly make it work. I work in a hospital so was able to find a bed, shower and even laundry services. If you work in an office how do you make this work?

    • In an office: nap on the floor/at desk (I’ve seen sleeping bags and bedrolls in offices–we have an attorney with fold-up cot); bird bath in the bathroom but in a decent sized office or complex there is usually a shower you can use (we have a gym and showers in another building in our complex); keep an extra outfit in the office (usually hangs from the back of the door).

      Other than that, coffee, brisk walks around the office, staying hydrated, and going home early the next day.

  18. It might be too late in the morning for responses, but I need a gift idea ASAP. I exchange holiday presents with one male partner I work with. He is my mentor and we are very close. I’ve had great ideas for him in the past, but I am drawing a blank this year. He got me Kendra Scott earrings. In the past I’ve gotten him a book, knit him a scarf, and gotten him an industry themed tie. He’s gotten me a digital picture frame, a food gift basket, and ESPN 40 for 40 DVDs. I can spend anywhere from $20-75 and it would be appropriate. His free time has been taken up by doing stuff with his high school aged kids, so he doesn’t golf much anymore. He loves to eat out, so I was thinking a gift card, but that seems like a silly thing to be getting a big law partner. Any other ideas? Note that we’re in Texas so cold weather clothing is not useful.

    • I forgot to mention that he doesn’t really drink, so all of the wine and liquor ideas are out.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Is he a tea drinker? Loose leaf tea contraptions w/ fancy tea and a mug were popular gifts at my office this year.

    • Since you’re so close, can you pick a DVD set or book that he’d like? Maybe something like Dexter or Breaking Bad? You could also do a food gift basket.

      If he likes to eat out at restaurants, what about a Zagat guide for your area?

      • The book I got him last year was a restaurant guide – love the idea, unfortunately already taken!

        I’ve been trying to think of a book or DVD set – I like that idea. Just really struggling to come up with the right thing. He’s into Texas, sports (football), fishing, and usually reads non-fiction. Anyone know of any good non-fiction books out?

        I don’t think he really does tea or coffee. It’s funny, he seems like such a normal guy, but when I put all of the he doesn’t like this, doesn’t do this, now I’m going to have to start giving him a hard time about being picky!

        • Friday Night Lights dvd set? Homeland?

        • Or, and this sounds odd, but it is REALLY good-a subscription to Garden & Gun. It has all sorts of cool Southern/Texasy things and focuses on hunting, fishing, and gardening.

          • Gail the Goldfish :

            Confession: I kind of love Garden & Gun despite the fact I neither hunt, fish, nor garden.

        • I can recommend some non-fiction related to fishing:
          Cod, by Mark Kurlansky
          Books by Spike Walker (sort of adventure/disaster books about commercial fishing in Alaska)
          Hooked: Pirates, Poaching and the Perfect Fish (about Chilean sea bass)
          The Hungry Ocean, by Linda Greenlaw (about being a swordfish boat captain, she captained the sister ship to the one that was lost as described in The Perfect Storm; she has other books, too, although I did not like the one fiction book I tried by her)

          I also really like the book The Hard Way by Mark Jenkins. It is some adventure writing with commentary on life in general (IIRC, it’s been a while). He used to have a column in Outside magazine.

          I’ve also seen some really cool underwater fish photography (I have gifted this guy’s work before, http://www.benjaminmccormick.com/). Maybe you could get a print or a coffee table book along those lines?

        • Bewitched :

          Great non-fiction book: Unbroken by Laura Hillebrand-amazing WWII/POW/triumph of humanity story (I’ve recommended it before!)

    • I see he’s already gotten you a digital pic frame, but that gift is so appropriate for someone with kids, especially if they’re getting close to moving out. Can you come up with a variation?
      Do any fancy schmancy restaurants there do kitchen tours or cooking classes?
      Gift cert for a guided fishing tour or some cool lures (a dozen for a couple bucks each will meet your price range)?

    • He sounds uber nice.

      Which Texas team?- If it is the Astros, what about a Colt 45s (pre-Astros) hat or shirt. Every guy I’ve bought that for LOVES It-bonus, if he is a foodie, Chef Caswell wears one all the time. If he is into college ball, I love getting and gifting the vintage sports calendars from asgard press on Amazon (they are also found locally, at least in Houston). Mine is the University Texas and I love it. Saks has lovely city snowglobes-Austin, Houston, Dallas. I got mine for graduation and it has little Austin bats on it.

      If he’s a runner, one of my friends made a donation in my name to the Memorial Park Conservancy, which I thought was kind of awesome.

      Or Central Market cooking lessons?

    • anon in tejas :

      gift card isn’t out of sorts. i’d check out the papers to see the best new restuarants in your area for 2012. i know that houston press and houston chronicle posted thier lists this week. that way it’s the hot new thing.

  19. I have to say, not to get all political on a Friday, but watching the NRA press conference. Wow. No matter what your opinion is on guns, talk about a poorly put together event.

    • Legally Brunette :

      I just watched it and was just stunned at the arrogance of the NRA. Not a single mention of an assault weapons ban, or more stringent background checks, or the fact that it shouldn’t be so easy for people to have access to guns in the first place. Instead, it was all about blaming violent video games and having armed policemen in every school in America. I really thought they would show some contrition, but I guess that was too much to ask.

    • Watched LaPierre (slow day at the office), then shut it off. I was really astounded by the tenor of his speech, plus the substance, of course. So self-righteous. So convinced that “the media” is to blame. Ugh.

    • I got as far as the first sentence of the new york times story and I had to stop:

      The National Rifle Association on Friday called for schools to be protected by armed guards as the best way to protect children from gun violence.

      I don’t care if I get flamed. This is beyond the pale.

    • Bewitched :

      I was outraged, and then happy about the NRA’s announcement. Happy because no one in their right mind would support an organization which calls for armed guards (including VOLUNTEERS) in schools. I can’t imagine a rationale politician supporting that statement, and I hope any number of NRA members are incensed too.

    • Sounds like a gun-industry marketing plan to me.

    • Who even thought this was a good idea?

    • I just learned that the caphillstyle blogger is a paid lobbyist for the NRA. So just FYI, if you feel strongly against the NRA.

  20. Mountain Girl :

    Ladies – I’ve been watching this coat at Lands End in burnt orange for a month or so. I don’t really need another coat so this needed to be a great snag to make it worth while. Today, my color only is on sale. Score one for patience.

    http://tinyurl.com/d39nowr

  21. Career dilemma! I’m currently in a job I hate, that I took because I’m a lawyer and it’s the Great Recession and there weren’t a lot of options. It pays reasonably well and has good hours, but everything else about it is terrible. Meanwhile, my husband and I started a small company. He works there full time while my job pays the bills. The plan has been that I would go full time at our company once it was making enough money to support us. By this time next year we expect we’ll be at a point to know whether the company will be successful or not. A friend just sent me a posting for what would be a PERFECT job for me. The job description is like someone took my own resume and made it into a listing (and I have some fairly rare skills/experience so this is really something). It’s with a total dream employer (tons of people are dying to work there and it’s hard to find the right niche). It’s a place I’ve thought I might want to work in the future, but didn’t think of doing it now. What do I do? My gut is to apply. Nothing says I’m getting the job. And if I get to the point where an offer might be possible, I’d have more information. But it could mean giving up on joining the company my husband and I have. I’ve put a lot of work into this company myself and it’s become a part of my identity. My current job is fine with me working on my own thing on off hours but I’m not sure this other employer would be okay with that. Also my current job is a total 9-5, M-F while the other job could be a lot more unpredictable. Add to that the fact that we’re TTC so I’m not sure a switch makes sense right now. But I am completely miserable at my current job. I often cry on Sunday nights because I have to go back (and sometimes in the bathroom during the week). I hate to tell other people where I work because I’m ashamed of my job. I watch the clock all day because the days just drag horribly and my skills are just atrophying. I think my fear is in applying for the job and actually getting it. If I knew our company was going to work out and that I’d be ready to quit the day job by the end of 2013, I’d stick it out here. It’s just that this job could be a sure way out while the other option is much sketchier. What if the year goes by and our company fails and I can’t find anything else besides the terrible job I currently have?

    • Definitely apply. You never know what’s going to happen with your current job, this job, or the company you’re building.

    • Apply and see what happens. My husband runs his own company, and I do quite a bit of work there outside my regular office hours. You might be able to make both work, and honestly, having a dependable paycheck coming in when accounts receivable get behind or slow or whatever can be a very, very good thing.

      My husband has a commercial electrical contracting company, and I do all of the contract / vendor stuff.

    • No experience with this, but it seems to me that an employer might be easier to handle than your own business when you have a little one, beginning with the fact that you probably can’t give yourself maternity leave. And if you need a day job for a few more years, better have it be as enjoyable as possible or you will really hate leaving the babe in the mornings. IMHO

    • You might want to look at the advice that winemama got on the Totebag a couple of months ago. It was a Wednesday post titled something like “How to find a million dollars”. The situation she was asking for help with had some strong similarities with yours.

    • Apply. Know what you are giving up to work at your company full-time before you make that leap.

      And even though you didn’t ask, I’ll throw it out there that my experience is that marriage + running a business together = perpetually increasing amounts of stress and an errosion of both relationships. It is incredibly hard to be in a marriage where both partners have the exact same stressors — and if you are both 100% working for the company you share, your work stressors are always going to be the same. Money issues can become more pronounced as well, and even though you might see eye-to-eye in either your personal or your professional financial goals, it is really, really hard to maintain this over the years.

      I am sure there are couples that this works out for, but in my expereince the couples I know who did it wound up in incredibly strained relationships that hurt them both personally and professionally. (And there wasn’t any egregious bad behavior in any of these cases, just the stress of running the business and reacting to boom and bust business cycles over the years.)

    • Apply and interview for the offer. Once you get the offer, make a decision.

  22. regular lurker, infrequent commenter :

    Q: Have any of the regular commenters here considered the fact that you may be easily identifiable to those who know you in real life? I was at a professional event a couple weeks ago and within a few minutes of talking to a woman, I knew she was a certain regular commenter here. I was certainly not stalking this particular woman’s comments but I read here pretty much every day, have a very good memory for this kind of stuff, and she has shared enough personal details (for example, first name, geographic location, hometown, etc) that I knew who she was on this site within a few minutes of talking to her.

    This is not meant to be critical but I just wanted you to be aware that you may not be anonymous as you seem. If someone who doesn’t know you can recognize you within a few minutes of casual conversation, presumably the people who know you could also recognize you easily if they read this site.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I’m kind of an open book in real-life too so I wouldn’t be ashamed if I met someone who knew me from here. I attended a meet up and we shared our handles. If I’m going to post something I wouldn’t want others to know I’m posting (salary info for example) I will go anon. If someone figures out it is me, fine. I just do it to avoid the google aggregation issue under my handle. People share way more everyday on Facebook and Twitter, much of which is public. If anyone has “figured me out” in real life, I’d love if you told me. I promise not to ask your handle.

    • I’m also pretty much an open book in real life, so it doesn’t make much of a difference to me. I rarely go anon, and generally out myself later!

    • Second Blonde Lawyer and SoCalAtty.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      Fourth Blonde Lawyer, SoCalAtty, and k-padi who is now an IRL friend. There’s nothing I post under this handle that I wouldn’t own in real life.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      Quite a few people know my online handle – I tweet under this same name, and I’ve used this handle for years. I don’t post anything here/tweet that I wouldn’t say in real life and if I need to say something/ask something particularly sensitive, I will post under an anon.

    • Another lurker :

      I wanted to chime in on this. Longtime reader who loves this community, but irregular poster. I’m in DC and saw Bluejay’s post earlier this week about the LinkedIn group, so I looked it up out of curiosity. I was shocked to see that, not only did I have enough connections in common to see the names of multiple members of the group (that’s not the shocking part), but that I casually knew several of them AND could almost immediately tie them to their handles here based on my memory of prior posts (I also have a good memory for details). For example, Bluejay, I’m fairly certain you were my TA in college. I don’t want to discourage the community, and I can’t think of anything these people have said that would reflect negatively on them — just wanted to add another friendly reminder to be careful about what you say here if you wouldn’t want to it get back to your IRL identity. And maybe now that I know I’ll know people, I might work up the courage to attend a DC meet-up one of these days…

    • goirishkj :

      I don’t post anything under my usual handle that I wouldn’t tell someone IRL. So I figure it is pretty easy for those who know me IRL to figure out my handle but it is information that they already know. Or that they would know if they had been listening to me :)

    • just Karen :

      A friend of mine from middle school/high school let me know that she had ID’d me on this site, which I really appreciated in terms of giving me a heads up that I was not really anonymous…always a good reminder! I go anonymous when it’s something I would truly be uncomfortable with publicly discussing (like birth control details).

  23. Related to the Cole Haan Air discussion on another thread, I need some advice for wearing high heels.

    I’ve started a new job (as corporate as can be) and am finding it hard to adjust to heels (pumps mostly). I’ve worn flat shoes almost all my life and never had any issues. But now I have horrible callouses and I think I have hammertoes forming (which makes wearing the heels so much more uncomfortable as the top of the toes rub against the shoe). And, the highest heel I wear is 2.75″! I’m at a point wear I can walk comfortably in a heel, but the top of the toes rubbing is killing me.

    How do women do it? I don’t want to be hobbling and look awkward in heels…I’ve tried wearing nice flats to work and it doesn’t feel the same (in terms of confidence).

    Advice? Comments? thoughts?

    • Honestly it sounds like you’re just wearing uncomfortable shoes. Go to DSW and try on a ton of heels (preferably with pantyhose) and see how they feel. Your toes should not feel constricted. You can also put a cushion (they sell strips of it at CVS that you can cut to size) on the inside of your shoe on any spots that are rubbing.

    • Walking well in flats portrays a much stronger image than hobbling in heels. Do not put your foot down while your front knee is bent; makes you look like a limping gazelle.

      Why not start out with kitten heels?

    • It’s terrible for your feet. I had to have bunion surgery (at 30!), in part, because I returned to heels post law school. I would wear professional flats or lower heels as possible. If that’s not possible, I’d wear comfy flats under your desk (just having your feet IN heels even when seated can cause pain if you have bad feet) and when you’re commuting, etc. Trust me, you dont’ want to mess up your feet.

      Also, can I just add that it’s ridiculous that these heels have become the professional norm? Women in offices used to wear very low heels to work (like 1″ heels) not super high ones. The toll it eventually takes on your feet, back, and calf muscles is ridiculous.

      • exactly my thoughts! I seriously wish women everywhere would stop wearing ridiculously high heels.

        • saacnmama :

          totally agree and am now embarrassed at my enabling reply above! I don’t have anything over 2″

      • I can’t walk in heels, so I’ve just resorted to flats. With the right trouser cut, no one knows the difference (if that’s important to you). I feel ten times more confident when I can make my usual quick, long strides than picking my way nervously around the office.

        Batgirl, I agree 100% re: the ridiculousness of heels being the norm. Sure, they elongate the leg and help some women feel more confident, but I know an equal (if not more) number of women who hate them but wear them because they’re worried they’ll look out of place with flats on. My friends were shocked when I wore flats to an interview, but I think it was much more professional than stumbling in front of the interviewer.

  24. I feel so much better about my billables right now. I have a TON of hours in this year, maybe 1900 (I didn’t start here until Feb. 1), but like 1/2 of it is on non-billable matters. I keep my “billable” time in the system, and the “non-billable” stuff (cases that are personal partner matters, flat fee, etc) in an excel spreadsheet.

    So on paper it looks like I only billed 900 hours this year, and it really freaks me out. I made a comment that I’m the “non-billable wonder” this year, and he said “well that’s our problem, not yours!” True, but it still freaks me out. At least they’re aware that they are using me for non-billable stuff more than 1/2 of the time.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      If your chart is not part of their official billing record, I would send it to them. I’ve seen promises that “non-billable time counts” back-fire. In reality, all offices need people handling this non-billable stuff. Without it, the other people wouldn’t be billing. However, when times get tough, that non-billable stuff has less value. Document document document. Keep proof that they value and approve of your non-billable endeavors!

      • I send the excel spreadsheet in at the end of the month, and I bold and put a big fat total right on the front, something like: “Total hours billed to these matters: way too many”

        It is technically billable stuff, it is all litigation, drafting etc. but it is for clients that we’re not billing. Part of why I’m starting to get really unhappy here – I thought I was going to work for a firm with all of these great clients, but nearly every file I work on is a “favor file” – for a family member or family member’s business partner, etc. that we don’t bill. I’m so tired of working on “family business” matters. I’m sure me doing it frees up time so the partners can bill at a higher rate, but it makes for long boring tedious days.

  25. I may repost this on the weekend thread if it’s too late to get any responses, BUT…

    I WAS JUST OFFERED A NEW, MORE SENIOR JOB at my current organization. My position was coming to an end, and I’ve been considering my options, but this came out of the blue and the salary that they suggested was “in the middle of the range” is a good 25K over my current measly non-profit salary.

    I think I can make a good argument for why I can get higher than “middle of the range” salary-wise (assuming I take it) but any suggestions from the hive on other compensation/benefits I could ask for? More vacation time? This position involves a ton of travel so maybe I could ask for comp days after x days of travel?

    Thanks and happy holidays!

    • My job involves traveling every week, so some things that make life easier: comp time (I don’t technically get this, but generally if I get home at midnight, they know I may not put in 8 hours the next day), working from home (and having a good setup for that, for days when you’re only able to work part of a day because you’re heading to an airport or coming home) and/or having good availability on your cellphone (provided? paid for? so much easier to step off a plane and see work emails right away–I thought I’d hate it, but it’s so useful–but you want them to cover that, plus for calls you’ll be making, directions you’ll be googling, etc). Thing my new employer has that is awesome: covering an airline lounge membership. Not something I’d normally splurge on, but it’s been really nice when stuck at an airport for hours!

  26. Anon for this :

    I need to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk with one of my friends. We’ve been friends since we were toddlers, and recently I’m frustrated with the way she treats me. She lives 4+ hours away, and expects me to make the haul more often than she does. I’m married, and have other responsibilities, she is single, and has no home obligations. She complains when I don’t go see her, but is very, very reticent to come see me. She also complains about my husband’s ‘demands on my time,’ which are not out of the ordinary, and most of the time it’s MY wanting to spend more time with my husband. I’ve suspected that she resents my husband for ‘taking me away from her’ for a while.

    Last time she came to see me, she was supposed to come Friday night to help me with some time sensitive stuff I had to get done, and spend Saturday with me. She cancelled Friday night the same week, without telling me (She made other plans and I had to ask if she was still intending to help since I heard through the grapevine she wasn’t coming), and then cancelled hanging out with me Saturday as well. She attended a wedding that I was at that Saturday and didn’t even bother to say goodbye to me when she left to go back home.

    Now, she scheduled brunch with me tomorrow, and was going to meet me at my house. She has now changed her mind, and wants me to drive an hour to go to brunch where she is, and if I can’t come then “we can just reschedule for February 22nd.” Oook.

    She claims I am her best friend, and she has always held that place in my heart as well, but I’m honestly considering letting the relationship die because of the constant expectation that I will be making most, if not all, of the effort. This has been a frustration with me since we were young, and I’ve mentioned it before with small improvements on her side that always die off.

    How do I approach this? Am I overreacting? Help…I don’t want to lose my friend, but I can’t go on like this.

    • To me, this sounds like growing up and growing apart. If you’ve been friends as long as you say, it would be great to have a heart to heart, if you think she’d be receptive. But her actions are dictating things here–she is showing you that she expects you to give more than you are able, and that she is not willing to give very much/be very flexible. Try to see it from her side–is there a reason that she is flaking (e.g. doesn’t want to help you with your project, but would rather relax with you, etc.).

      Over time, singles and marrieds sometimes see their friendship change bc the singleton has different priorities from the married. This just happens. I’m not saying you can’t be friends–but you do need to accept that over time your friendship will change and ebb and flow, if you want to stay friends and are not too hurt or angry by her actions.

      If you feel that speaking with her would help, do so, but remain non-accusatory–just say things like, “When you change plans at the last minute, it is very difficult for me to reschedule due to hubs/children/job…do you think you could give me more notice next time?” Stuff like that. If you think that she is not going to be receptive to a talk, then you should resign yourself to knowing that you are a “lower priority” friend and she is not going to prioritize and that you will have some resentment for how she’s treating you. I would vote for speaking up in this situation…but that’s me.

      And I have had this talk with some friends that were disappointing me over time–I have some pretty high standards for friendship–I “give” a lot and expect friends to do the same. But sometimes, the friends continue to treat me badly, which is even more hurtful, considering we’ve had the talk. So be prepared for that outcome too…..

      • I’ve thought about the growing up and growing apart thing. I think if anything, it’s me growing out of the relationship. She’s still pretty much the same as always, and I’ve definitely changed in the past few years. I’m not as willing to be manipulated or go out of my way for someone who seemingly doesn’t care about a relationship in her actions, but claims otherwise.

        I also give a lot in my friendships, and have learned that I will never get back what I put in. Which I’m generally ok with. I’d rather be a great friend than a mediocre one.

        I think if things don’t change: I’m going to end the friendship. I just don’t want to go through this for years more.

        • A thought :

          “being manipulated” — maybe this is going on, but I don’t see it.

          It sounds as if this is someone you used to drive a long way to see and now you don’t want to do that anymore. That’s a long distance, even if you were willing.

          What I wouldn’t want for either of you is this turning into a “I’m married and you’re not and we’re just in different spaces” thing. I’ve seen to many friends get beaten up by this (and it’s friend, I’m single and you’re not . . . etc). If you could fast forward a decade or two, throw in some child, family, spouse joys and challenges and sadness, and this all may seem silly (although they are paining you now). My guess is that your visiting abilities are probably at their peak and will change for you drastically in the coming years.

          Talk to your friend, but only if you can do so in a very calm state of mind. Until then, it’s OK to let this drift and to cultivate this when you feel moved to (and maybe in a different manner — girls weekend annually with just you or mutual friends?). But I would hesitate to cut something that perhaps you could just untie a little.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      What you describe would drive me nuts. I realized, however, that one of my close single friends gets pretty uncomfortable at my house. My husband and I aren’t obnoxious married people but we are happily married, say I love you when we part, kiss, etc. She is actually divorced and I think every time she is at my house it is a reminder of what she doesn’t have. It is not envy or jealousy per se. Just, “ugh this isn’t how I live my life I don’t know what to do here.” Chillin in a bachelorette pad is totally different than being in a married person’s house. Also, because she would rather not be single, if a hot date prospect pops up, I know she is probably going to cancel or if she doesn’t cancel, be mopey while we are hanging out. I get where she is coming from and now support her going with the “plans most likely to lead to a boyfriend” unless it is a situation where I really need her. I also try to limit my interactions with my husband when she is there. He will go play video games or something rather than entertaining in the kitchen with me.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I’m in moderation – here it is again:

      What you describe would drive me nuts. I realized, however, that one of my close single friends gets pretty uncomfortable at my house. My husband and I aren’t obnoxious married people but we are happily married, say I love you when we part, kiss, etc. She is actually divorced and I think every time she is at my house it is a reminder of what she doesn’t have. It is not envy or jealousy per se. Just, “ugh this isn’t how I live my life I don’t know what to do here.” Chillin in a bachelor – e -t – t -e – pad is totally different than being in a married person’s house. Also, because she would rather not be single, if a hot date prospect pops up, I know she is probably going to cancel or if she doesn’t cancel, be mopey while we are hanging out. I get where she is coming from and now support her going with the “plans most likely to lead to a boyfriend” unless it is a situation where I really need her. I also try to limit my interactions with my husband when she is there. He will go play video games or something rather than entertaining in the kitchen with me.

      • It is driving me nuts! I’m so glad someone understands! :)

        Yeah, I understand that, and I do limit events/activities with DH when my single friends are around. In this specific case: DH never goes out with us, she has only come to my house 3 or 4 times in the almost 3 years we’ve been married. Everything else is either out of my house without DH, or at her place, and he does not go with me when I go.

        • saacnmama :

          4 hours is a lot for anyone to drive! Can you meet in the middle for a hike or dinner or something? That takes the load off you and she doesn’t have to hang out in the house of someone she doesn’t know that well (your husband). Idk if it works in your marriage, but what about a girls trip with her once a year? It would be a big change from seeing each other often, but might be a way to transition into something that works.

          • It is a long way, and I didn’t mind making it (exclusively) prior to me getting married. Now, I just don’t like to be away for days on end.

            We do meet in between, but she usually will bring another friend without telling me ahead of time. I guess that’s fine, just not really my idea of fun.

            A girls trip would be fun (but she would more than likely bring her other friend).

        • S in Chicago :

          Just want to second the idea of a “standing” date for taking a trip or meeting at a half-way point to hang out for the day that you do once a year (or more frequently if both of you desire). Having something set on the calendar makes it easier to work around when opportunities for competing activities arise.

          I would add that you need to be direct about expectations–that you want this “tradition” to be something for just the two of you to connect (no hubby, no tag-along friends, etc.). If that still doesn’t work, then I’d resign to being email/facebook/phone friends for awhile. Things ebb and flow, and perhaps you and she may want to reconnect a bit when you could do couples things together some day.

          There are times though when people simply grow apart. It’s sad, but it happens. (And getting together only gets harder when kiddos and their schedules factor in as well.) Both sides have to want to see each other and make it a priority at some point.

    • If I didn’t know she was at work with no access to the internet, I’d think you were one of my friends. If it was six months ago, I would have thought you were me.

      I don’t know what to tell you. This is never easy, but it sounds like you’re starting to drift apart already – and if it’s frustrating you, and you’ve already tried talking to her – it might be time to take a few steps back. Not cut off contact, but not meet quite as often. Or make her make the arrangements for a few times, and say you can’t possibly drive four hours right now.

  27. J. Crew orders? :

    This may be late for this morning’s thread, but has any one else been having trouble with j. crew orders from their last sale? I ordered a coat for my brother on Wednesday, still haven’t received an order confirmation, and I guess I have to just deal with the fact that it probably won’t get here by Christmas..

    • Equity's Darling :

      I made an order late last night, and I got my order confirmation email within 15m.

      I’m not expecting the order before Christmas, I just wanted to take advantage of the 30% off sale.

      • Update, I just got a shipping confirmation, so my order from 14 hrs ago is leaving their warehouse. Maybe your order didn’t go through for some reason?

    • I ordered something off the sale and received it two days later.