Coffee Break: Minu Kitten Heel

As we mentioned on Monday, there’s a major Zappos clearance sale underway. These gorgeous, low 2″ heels from L.K. Bennett are in the mix, available in both a beigey “almond milk” (pictured) and a basic black. They’re on a great sale right now — they were $295 but are now marked to $205. L.K. Bennett Minu

Here’s a more affordable alternative.

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Comments

  1. Grossed Out :

    Did anyone else feel completely incensed by the whole Duggar husband attacking Jazz Jennings story earlier today? (Will post the story as a comment) I get that not everyone understands what it means to be [email protected] (not sure if it’ll get caught in moderation if I write out the word itself), but 1st, what adult attacks a child (let alone a man attacking a teenage girl) and 2nd, not understanding someone doesn’t mean the person doesn’t exist or should be called a myth! I am SO sick of so-called religious men attacking women. It’s not only horrific in its own right, it lends a bad name to all people of that religion. I don’t get why the good, kind people of the same religion don’t stop this family from spewing their hate. It just feels so so gross.

    On a side note, I wonder if the network will speak about this since it’s already handled this family and their garbage and since, in this situation, it’s a quasi-star of one of their shows attacking the ultimate star of another of their shows.

    PS This is not a place to misgender Jazz or to spew ignorance (I’m lookin’ at you, trolls), but if there are actual questions, I know we have at least one transgender expert amongst us who may want to weigh in!

    • http://radaronline.com/celebrity-news/derrick-dillard-attacks-transgender-star-jazz-jennings/

    • I was completely disgusted to see this. I don’t understand why the tv network wouldn’t shut this guy right down for sake of their audience. I also don’t understand how it could ever be seen as okay for an adult to attack a child in general, let alone when it’s an adult male and a female child.

      The whole thing felt disgusting to me and I just don’t get people who want to be so vocal about their phobias and bigotry.

    • Anonymous :

      I mean yeah it’s gross but considering the Duggars covered up their son’s abuse of their young daughters and have made many anti-LGBT and misogynistic statements, it’s not exactly surprising to me that they’re transphobic. This is simply the latest in a long line of absolutely terrible, offensive things they have said or done.

    • I don’t see how hating on a teenage girl could be seen as anything other than an adult male who lacks common decency.

    • Anonymous :

      Sadly, the network may not care because it impacts ratings for both shows. And given the audiences of both, probably will impact both positively.

    • Anonymous :

      I watch the Duggar show – not bc I agree. Derick is a loser who can’t hold down a job so he’s decided he’ll be in the “ministry” — i.e. beg for donations and then take mission vacations to Central America. Funny that he’s biting the hand that feeds them – TLC – since Jazz is also a TLC show. Hope they get dropped and then see what it’s like to live without TV income – they’re so reliant on it since the shows been on for 10+ yrs that they don’t get how hard it’ll be to support so many uneducated/unqualified adults when the show goes away.

      • To be fair about their situation and his commentary aside, he and Jill certainly aren’t on vacation in Central America by any means. I’m sure that most people can pick up on that from watching the show and seeing their living conditions. He also was working just fine as an accountant at Walmart corporate before leaving that to pursue full time missionary work. Unlike many of the men that the Duggar daughters have and will marry, he has a college degree.

        • Anonymous :

          Come on. Yes they are. I’m not saying they’re staying in 5 star accommodations down there – bc they’re not since they’re in small villages. But they live in houses provided to them and he preaches 1-2 nights/week and she invites the village ladies over on occasion to talk to them. That’s a HECK of a lot of downtime and a lot easier than working 40 hrs/wk. Yes he is one of the only college educated ones, but he lasted in a corporate job for barely 1 yr. Apparently Jill could not STAND to be away from him for 40 whole hours per week and was driving him to/from work AND showing up to eat lunch in his cafeteria with him. She’s used to a life situation where no one goes to work – her dad didn’t bc he lives off of TLC money and property; so the whole concept of someone having responsibility to something besides family was stunning to her — hence ministering and being together 24-7 is easier.

          • Yeah, there’s not a chance they’d be able to sustain their lifestyle if it weren’t for TLC.

            As an aside, I think it’s so interesting how within one generation, the Quiverfull/IBLP/ Vision Forum groups grew and then imploded. Who could’ve ever predicted that having massive families and refusing to adequately educate your children wasn’t sustainable?

          • Plenty of people don’t last a year in a corporate job before knowing they’re better cut out for something else. I don’t think that qualifies someone as a “loser” and surely the steady stream of OPs seeking advice on how to get out of their jobs after a year around here would be disheartened to hear that. In their case, they were both interested in pursuing international missionary work from the very get-go and was discussed at length in their courtship episodes. Long-term missions work almost always involves getting sponsored by a church or para-church organization with housing and an almost-nothing salary while building relationships within their community. Your beef with missions work and the “benefits” shouldn’t be directed at them. That’s just how it works.

          • Bewitched :

            Ugh, Anon at 4:54, can we not defend the Duggars? I have nothing against their mission work (more power to them!) but I do hate how they sell their souls to People magazine and anyone else who will pay them for a picture or yet another of 1,000 articles about how young !, clever !, amazing!, cute! they are. Give me a break. They are basically Christian Kardashians. You sell your soul to the media, I don’t respect you, regardless of whether you are religious or not. I also don’t see why we elevate people who are basically remarkable only for marrying young and having babies. Nothing to see here, folks, move on. PS: I am not a troll.

          • Anonymous :

            I have a bunch ton against their mission works (let’s not use Jesus to further colonize, ok?) and his transphobic position is totally in keeping with the Duggar family: opposed to reproductive rights for women; homophobic; protective of male s*xual abusers even at the expense of their own daughters; opposed to women’s education and full participation in society.

            On what planet are these bigoted beliefs useful for people whom they’re colonizing?

    • It’s distasteful for a grown man to attack a teenager, but religious people all over the world share the same or similar views and that’s not going away anytime soon. If you’re mad at the views being expressed, you’re going to be mad at the world for a long time to come. If you’re mad at the Duggar family in general, then yeah, most thinking people don’t like them.

  2. Vicarious Shopping Request :

    Trying to fill the empty wall space above my 3 cushion couch (I’m guessing it’s about 6 ft long)… couch is chocolate colored, the wall is vanilla painted over paneling so it has vertical “Stripes” visible from where the paint covered the panels, and the main color in the space is turquoise. Trying to find something pleasing to the eye that’s as inexpensive as possible (seriously, think cheapy cheap) and not super heavy (I’m living in a rental).

    Thanks!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      How do you feel about DIY? Because I am full of cheap ideas but they require a bit of work…

      • Am open to it but am admittedly not super artsy and I don’t have outdoor space to work in, so things have to be done on tarped apartment floors (so spray paint is a no go), and I live up a flight of stairs (so anything way heavy is a no go). :)

        • Rainbow Hair :

          OK so easiest but not cheap is to get a photo printed on canvas, or three to make a triptych, like a long one in the middle and two shorter ones flanking it, all of the same height.

          Cheap, though, is this: go to Goodwill or the clearance section of Hobby Lobby and get yourself some big, ugly “art” that sort of emulates a stretched canvas. Link to follow. I just got one that’s 24″ x 36″ for $9. Bonus points if it’s in a color that would look good with your color scheme.

          Now the question is… how do you make it not ugly any more? And the answer is, craft paint!

          If you like inspirational quotes and such, you can buy vinyl letter stickers at Michaels, put your quote on there, paint over it all (I would recommend a sort of messy, sponge painted thing, maybe 3 or 4 shades in the same color family), let it dry, peel off the stickers, and voila!

          If you don’t want words on your wall, you can do the thing I just did to make a “where have you been” map for my daughter’s wall (on the aforementioned ugly $9 art). Step 1, painted the background with some beiges (pick your color). Step 2, I printed the image I wanted from Adobe, setting it in “poster” mode so the picture printed on multiple sheets I taped together (I did a line drawing map of the US – look for something coloring-book-like, line based). Step 3, I used tracing paper to transfer the image onto the ‘canvas.’ Step 4, I went over the traced lines with gold puffy paint (stay with me here — it was a nice shiny version of my neutral beige background, and the puffiness made it really easy to do the next part). Step 5, once your lines are dry, “color in” the parts you want with paint. Kiddo’s map is getting colored in state by state as she goes to each, but if you’re just talking about an image, you can do it all at once. Step 6, bask in self satisfaction.

          And here’s the last idea: same setup, paint a background over the ugly thing, but this time make your own sticker/stencil of something that appeals to you and would look good in silhouette. (Make a stencil by tracing and then cutting out of posterboard: make a sticker by cutting out contact paper.) Put that on the canvas, go nuts with paint, take it off, voila. If you’re witchy, Pinterest has a cuteAF “how to paint moon phases on a teeshirt” thing that uses just a circle stencil — it would look neat on a wall!

          • Rainbow Hair :

            OMG sorry for the novel.

            Here’s the kind of thing I’m talking about buying: http://www.hobbylobby.com/Home-Decor-Frames/Mirrors-Wall-Decor/Wall-Art/Damask-Foil-Canvas-Wall-Decor/p/139531-KA0982

            They’re really light weight.

      • Anonymous :

        Or relatively cheap ones that don’t. Splatter paint on a large canvas can be kinda cool. And frankly look like you bought it.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Yes. I realized I was going overboard but you can do lovely stuff with just drips/other textures of paint. And if you get a coupon at Michaels you can get a boatload of craft paint for cheapity cheap cheap.

    • Maybe find some fun, colorful vintage maps on Etsy and pin them up or find another pleasing but easy way to hang them? On maps, water is a turquoisey blue, that could be a nice accent? Pick some places that are meaningful?

      Sure people will say that this is played out in the blogger stylesphere, but like, if you like it and the price is right, who cares?

    • Canvas print of a photo from Costco? They’re $28 for a 12×16 though. That in itself isn’t expensive, but you might want either a bigger one or more than one for that amount of space, so that might not fit your definition of cheapy cheap … it doesn’t really fit mine.

    • anonypotamus :

      This is also DIY, but was pretty cheap. I found a beautiful sheet/wall tapestry on society6 that I loved and got a few pieces of 1×2 pine and had the hardware store cut it into the lengths I needed. I used the pine to build a frame and then stapled the sheet to the frame, and carefully stretched it so it laid smooth. I can’t find the link now, but there are lots of tutorials online for assembling the frame. I do consider myself pretty handy, but it was pretty simple and did not take long (and I was able to do it in my (studio) apartment). Even though it is large, I think mine is 5 feet by 7 feet, it is very lightweight.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Yes this is great! And if you don’t want to build the frame, you can buy canvas stretcher bars, and seriously all you’ll need is a staple gun to do the whole project.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Hey, potamus, how did you find the quality of Society6? I’m suspicious of them but I would love to hear I’m wrong!

        • Anonymous :

          not the OP, but I used Society6 for some couch pillows recently and really had no problem with the quality and the colors translated accurately.

        • Baconpancakes :

          We got a Society6 shower curtain and it’s good. Not quite the finish I would expect for the cost (sewn holes instead of metal rings), but the actual fabric and printing is great, and we’re paying for the design, really, which is just fantastic. Every time people come over I get compliments on it.

        • anonypotamus :

          I have had nothing but good experiences with them. Besides the tapestry/sheet, I have ordered a few prints, including one framed one. The quality of the paper on the prints was good and the frames were simple (and maybe a little expensive for what they were) but I appreciated the simplicity and ease of it. I like that it is a way for lesser known artists to get their work out there, though I don’t know anything about the process of getting on there.

      • OP, hope you’re still reading. I was coming on to suggest the Society 6 wall hangings/tapestries (although beware, the site is a total rabbit hole time suck, you can go crazy with options). I have not bought the tapestries but have bought some framed prints and four or five phone cases for myself and for gifts and several mugs and the quality and customer service have been good.

    • In the exact same situation (are we neighbors?), I bought a high-resolution photo off Flickr, and I framed it in an Ikea frame. It looks fabulous.

    • If you have “At Home” stores (used to be Garden Ridge) near you they have literally thousands of wall décor options below the $60 mark; I’m talking tapestries, tri part paintings, word sayings, wood carvings, metal art, clocks, mirrors, etc.

      • Anonymous :

        Same with Home Goods, they have upped their art supply lately. its all mass produced but good for something like this.

    • World Market has relatively cheap art. Something like this would pull together all of your colors: https://www.worldmarket.com/product/%22gold+trees%22+by+liz+jardine.do?sortby=priceAscend&from=fn

  3. As I was leaving the house this morning, my boyfriend said my work outfit looked like “sexy armor.” I think that should be my new wardrobe theme!

    • Senior Attorney :

      So great.

      Some years ago over on You Look Fab there were some fab looking ladies whose self-described style was Urban Warrior Princess. Gotta love it!

    • To be clear, this was a fitted crewneck blouse, gray pants, black closed-toe pumps, and sparkly earrings, so definitely appropriate for work.

    • My work style is Corporate Wonder Woman or Boss Lady, both compliments of my husband.

  4. For those over 30, what are/were the best things you learned in your 30s that has stuck with you through your life?

    For those under 30, what do you expect to learn in your 30s that you’re most looking forward to?

    • So far, the difference between productive planning and pointless anxiety. Hoping for more of the same.

      • Ha! Yes!

        Productive planning is trying to think about and strategize for contingencies and then just going with whatever when none of that sh*t happens.

    • Anonymous :

      Learning to be happy alone. And by “alone” I mean both single and, more generally, doing things by yourself, regardless of your relationship status.

    • In my teens, I was afraid anyone would see things about me that weren’t perfect. In my 20s, I saw each thing that was imperfect and thought that meant I had to work to change those things (either to remove them from my life or to become perfect). In my 30s (I’m 34 now), I’ve realized that some things need to be worked on because I would feel happier if they were better/different and the rest can… uh… JSFAMO. I’m no longer afraid of people seeing those things within me, either because I find them endearing quirks rather than signs of weakness or because anyone who’ll judge can show themselves to the door.

      I am finding though that some foods I never liked before are suddenly quite tasty, so I’m trying both new things and things I never liked to see if things are yummy to me!

    • Anonymous :

      That I don’t have to do things to make my extended family happy. I can prioritize the happiness of myself and my husband and children over everyone else.

    • They aren’t that much better than your 20s, sadly. More aches and pains (emotional and physical).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      This is very specific, but learning to say, “thank you for saying that” when someone apologizes has been a major thing for me in my 30s. I don’t have to say “it’s ok” if it’s not! I don’t have to say “I forgive you” if I don’t yet! And yet I can still acknowledge that I heard the apology, and appreciated it. (I’ve also sort of learned the things that spiral out from that — about being accommodating or not, etc.)

      • Thank you for saying that :

        This is different – but one of the most powerful things I’ve got into the habit of doing is just saying “thank you for saying that” in response to a compliment instead of a weird “oh this, nah” sort of response. Learning to accept compliments took me a long time.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Yes, this too! I had to consciously practice for like a year, but it feels great not to disagree with compliments.

        • My go-to response to praise has become “that means a lot to me.” It always does.

        • nasty woman :

          I use “thank you, that’s so kind of you to say” or “you’re sweet to say that” if I know the person fairly well

          I’ll never forget when I was 5 or so and some adult complimented me on something I had done well (and I knew I was good at it) and I responded “I know.” My father about fell over and died from embarrassment, understandably, and sent me to my room. Thus began years of stuttering like a jerk and saying “thanks but ehh no please actually I suck.”

          • Ugh same here. I recall once when I was very young, maybe five years old tops, and my nanny told me I looked really pretty within earshot of my mother. I cheerfully responded, “I know!” and my mom about died. I got quite the talking to about responding gracefully to compliments!

    • Financial security increases happiness.

    • That people’s career/relationship/financial timelines are not paralell or linear and you aren’t behind just because you may not be in the same place at the same time.

      That telling it like it is (kindly) is way easier than trying to please everyone.

    • I’m mid-30s and they are SO MUCH BETTER than my 20s! I’ve learned how to say no to things I am not interested in doing, people I’m not interested in prioritizing, activities that I don’t want to spend my energy on. I’ve learned how to prioritize financial security, which has made a huge difference for my overall happiness levels. As Senior Attorney often says, I’ve learned to assume good intentions, which has been great for my relationships. I’ve also learned not to secondguess myself as much and I don’t agonize about whether I made the right decision. I instead put my energy into making sure the path I’m taking (or the decision I made) turns out great. This doesn’t mean that I won’t sometimes switch course as needed, but I don’t get bogged down as much beating myself up for something that’s already happened.

      I’ve also learned to do a better job putting myself out there. For example, if I meet someone who I think I might want to be friends with, I get their contact info and invite them to do something. I’ve found it’s made a big difference in the quality of my social circle because now I am comfortable consciously choosing who I want to pursue friendships with rather than just being friends with whoever happens to conveniently be in my orbit.

    • IslandGal :

      Walking away from toxic people. I’ve cut off new “friends” and decade long friendships to protect my energy/mental health/self worth. No known snakes in my garden.

      In my 20s I was much more lenient but now I have stronger, well-defined boundaries.

      Owning my flaws, while I work on being the best version of me.

  5. idiot alert :

    I just did something EXTREMELY and idiotically thoughtless (typed a snarky comment during a group meeting where I forgot I was sharing my laptop screen). It wasn’t evil-level meanness, but it wasn’t great. I apologized publicly when I realized it, but oh man I feel SO dumb and mortified. What a dumb mistake. I just feel like crawling under my desk.

    • Sending hugs… I think, since you apologized in the moment (and your body language must have looked mortified if that’s as you were feeling), you ought to just try to forget it and act like it never happened, which will probably make it forgotten by others quicker than if you act differently or bring it up again. If it was about someone at work though, you may want to go apologize to them privately/personally in case they hear about it. Hoping the rest of your day is great!

    • I’ve done something similar (opened up my work’s instant messaging plug-in to send a friend a snarky message, and instead sent it to the person that it was about…). Try not to be too hard on yourself – most of us have had an experience like this. You can’t change the fact that it’s happened, so learn from this experience and do better in future. My mishap was actually the wake-up call I needed to get out of the gossip culture at my office.

    • Ugh my comment is stuck in moderation! But basically, I’ve done something similar so I feel for you. Have a cup of tea, try to forget about it, and be better next time. You will not make this mistake again!

    • I have both done and been on the receiving end of this. It happens. It’s not great, but a sincere apology (which I did not get) goes far.

  6. Wondering your thoughts here from a conversation a few friends and I were having recently:

    Is it racist to choose specific races when online dating? For example, on some sites, I can choose an age range, which religions I want to include in the search, height requirements (min and max), and I can check boxes for which race(s) to include in the search.

    Some were saying that marking not to show anyone of one specific race is absolutely and obviously racist. Others were saying that no, it’s no different than choosing to only show people of a specific height or education level or a body type (yes, some allow narrowing down by this), that it’s simply an individual knowing what aspects of a person they are attracted to and weeding out the rest.

    • Senior Attorney :

      “I’m not racist. I just think people of other races are unattractive.”

      • Anonymous :

        You married two white guys though right?

        It’s always my white friends married to white men who didn’t hunt for them online who give me a hard time about this.

        I’m open to meeting someone of a different race in person. Online I just want to find someone like me so there’s maybe a hope of it working. So yes I filter out other races religions people with no education etc.

        And I think y’all are too you’re just doing it differently.

        • Anon also :

          +1 – this is where I am. I open to it, but I’m not going to necessarily seek it out. Shared cultural background can be a big part of what makes a couple compatible, and that typically means a shared racial background. So, if I’m searching online, I’m going to go with the odds, rather than searching for the diamond in the rough.

        • The phrase “diamond in the rough” is a little bit horrifying in this context.

          • Anonymous :

            Oh, ffs. Clutch your pearls a bit harder and try to be a bit more offended.

        • Do your white friends married to non-white men encourage you to exclude non-white men from your dating pool? Do you have these conversations with them? Do you have non-white friends or friends with non-white spouses? Do you ask those people, “is it racist if I am pretty sure I could never be attracted to someone like you/your spouse?”

          Far be it from me to tell you who to date, but damned if you aren’t “filtering out” a lot of great people with this bigoted nonsense.

        • Anonymous :

          Woof, this grosses me out. I’m white, met my black husband online. I didn’t go looking particularly for an interracial relationship, but I didn’t sort myself entirely out of that option. I didn’t assume that someone who grew up in the same city as me, has the same educational level, etc. had some wholly unrecognizable culture because of his race. And thank God, because I met the best man I know.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes, it’s obviously racist. Making an assumption about an entire class of people and then applying those assumptions to individuals is kind of the definition of racism.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes, and also self-limiting and potentially self-defeating to pre-emptively shrink the potential dating pool (but I suppose it saves the people at the other end from a boatload of trouble).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      The thing is… check the box or don’t check the box, whatever, but more importantly, maybe take a look at what is going on where you just aren’t attracted to [racial group].

      • Anon in NYC :

        Yeah, I don’t think it’s any ~less~ racist to not check the box but then also skim over/not engage with people of that particular race when they show up in your results.

      • Anonymous :

        How much control over that do you really have though? I’ve dated the rainbow. But chemistry is chemistry, and a review of my own history indicates I had a preference when it came to gardening. Like, my body responded different, if you know what I mean. I’m racially mixed, FWIW, and I ended up with a white dude. So what?

        • Anonymous :

          *differently. ugh.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          The heart/vagina wants what the heart/vagina wants — I can’t deny that. But… I don’t think our desires appear out of the void — I think they’re informed and shaped by our culture and our experiences.

          I was a bit more flippant than perhaps I should have been in my initial comment — I think unpacking the crap we’ve absorbed as we’ve grown up (racism, classism, misogyny, etc. etc. etc. forever) is hard, endless work that is worth doing. And ultimately is more important than whether or not you check the box on the dating website.

    • Yes, it’s racist. But it’s your dating life. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to, even if your reasons s*ck.

    • Anonymous racist (apparently) :

      So now we have to date people we don’t find attractive, or be accused of racism? Not being attracted to certain “types”, for lack of a better word, is not a personal failing.

      • You don’t have to date anyone. You do have to ask yourself, “Why am I certain I could never be attracted to a person with this racial background?” If the “diamond in the rough” commenter above is any indication, I think the people in your camp might be making a lot of assumptions about what you can tell about a person based on their race.

      • Anonymous :

        Then, apparently, I’m there with you.

        I don’t get it – if I don’t owe any particular man my attention, how is it I owe all (races of) men my attention?

        • This isn’t rocket science: You don’t owe any particular man your attention. You should examine your biases if you’re sure you’ll never be attracted to any man from a particular group.

        • Anonymous :

          A good friend’s now-ex pulled me aside once in a club to let me know, at length, that he didn’t find black women attractive. (He, and I, and she, are all white.)

          I thought: damn, that’s racist AF, and what the heck is my smart, lovely, non-racist friend doing with you? I wasn’t the only one who was unsurprised when they divorced.

          If you’re only attracted to people of your own race, by all means, don’t date people of other races as why should they put up with your racist self? But know that your thinking and your s*exual responses have been colonized and you have some deep work to do on yourself.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            JFC thank you, I was starting to wonder if I was completely nuts, reading all the people who seem to be intent on doubling down on (perhaps unintentional and unconscious) racism!

    • Anonymous :

      This question has been on my mind a lot lately. On my dating app, I don’t filter out anyone of a certain race. However, I have concluded that I have never been physically attracted in a s e x u a l way to men of certain races.

      Before you jump on my back and call me a racist, I have dated — for 6-9 months – several men who fit this criteria. They are wonderful, smart, interesting people. I would love to be friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc with all of them. They shared a ton of my values and, on paper, I could have been a match with any of them. But the s e x u a l attraction was not there on my part, as much as I wanted it to be. I tried, thought it would come with time, but ultimately — it didn’t. I’m in my mid 30s.

      For now, I’ve decided to trust this part of my dating experience and primarily seek out the men of the descent that I find attractive. That isn’t to say that this might change if I find myself head-over-heels for a guy who doesn’t fit this pattern.

      It might also be interesting to think of this in another way: if a man finds a certain race more attractive than another and filters to find those women, would he be considered racist? Or other traits, such as height, hair, etc?

    • Anonymous :

      Eh – it may be limiting, but I don’t think it’s racist. You are not obligated to date people you don’t think you want to date. They (by whatever characteristic) may be wonderful people, and they could even end up as really compatible, but you aren’t obligated to find the exception to the rule to prove to other people you aren’t racist.

      Like, I’m 5′ 10″, and my preference is for a SO to be taller than I am, so yeah, I’m probably not going to be including Asian in my search characteristics. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t date an Asian man if I met one in real life and we hit it off – I just wouldn’t proactively search for someone who was.

      So, I guess it’s a matter of how I meet and connect with the person. IRL, I’d be more open to racial diversity, but online, not so much.

      • To me, this reads: “Because I want to date someone tall” (superficial but sure, you do you) “and because I believe a racist stereotype about Asian men” (problematic!!!) “I think it’s fine for me to base my dating criteria on racist stereotypes.”

      • Anonymous :

        Now THAT’s racist–assuming all asian men are shorter than 5’10”.

    • Anonymous :

      It is, as pointed out by others, by definition racist. Additionally, it may be “no different than choosing to only show people of a specific height or education level or a body type”–but that’s just because both sets of criteria are bigoted and judgmental.

    • I was just on Tinder five minutes before reading this, and thinking about these issues. To my mind, if you are unwilling to explore why you are or are not attracted to a certain group, it’s probably racist. That said, as a black woman, I am only swiping right on non-white men. My two longest relationships have been with white men, but the older I get, the less inclined I am to do the work that a black woman has to do in such a relationship — it’s exhausting, and life is too short.

    • I have heard people say “there is no such thing as sexual prejudice, only sexual preference.” I agree with this, although the comment was not about race, but was in the context of some people complaining that lesbians are evil for not wanting to sleep with transwomen with p*nises (a criticism that was not leveled at men who decline to sleep with transwomen). Ultimately, sexual attraction cannot be forced, legislated, or changed – otherwise proponents of conversion therapy would find a lot more success.

      That being said, I think that you might want to consider asking yourself if you are using the new tools online to do things you wouldn’t do in real life. For example, are you filtering out all black and Asian men online, even if you might meet one in person at a bar or party and pursue a relationship? Sometimes the online world presents us with options that then seem natural/ingrained, even if we act differently in the messier real world.

    • IslandGal :

      It depends on your reason. Are you excluding a group because you believe certain stereotypes about them vs. are you excluding a group you want to “switch things up” and explore dating a different race vs. are you just trying to narrow the results to see who is out there?

      Your reason matters. It’s okay to have a preference for height, weight, age, education level, etc. Doesn’t mean you’re automatically ageist, elitist, etc.

      Keep your options open and narrow based on real things like chemistry, compatibility and shared life goals. FWIW, I’m Black and my boyfriend is white (we didn’t meet online, but I’ve dated online before).

  7. Any tips for dealing with workplace anxiety?

    I’ve been at my new job for 6 months and I really enjoy many aspects of it, but it involves more, and more frequent, writing than I was expecting. I wind up writing 2-4 reports weekly for clients on updates in our field. The rest of my job is meetings, presentations, face-to-face interactions, all of which I find easy and could happily spend 12 hours a day doing.

    I’ve realized I find this writing stressful for two reasons: 1) I hate the feeling of constantly having multiple reports hanging over my head every.single.week and 2) my knowledge of the topics I’m called to write on is of the “inch deep, mile wide” variety, but I often need to write “mile deep, inch wide” pieces that I don’t have the knowledge for, so each report is a massive research project (uuuggghhh).

    I have actual anxiety (of the therapied and medicated kind), but writing wasn’t an issue when I was last in therapy, so I’m not sure how to deal with this. There’s nothing I can do to change the stressor – the reports have to be done and I’m the one who has to do them, they have to be done by Thurs/Fri every week, and the subject matter changes every week depending on what events happened that week. It’s almost like I’m a journalist, and I am soooo not a journalist – I’m a stand up at the front of the room and be an engaging speaker type. I love the other aspects of my job – the other 50% of my job duties, the people, the benefits – so leaving seems absurd, but my anxiety about these reports (did you notice it’s Thursday afternoon and I’m dreading writing?) is pretty bothersome.

    • Wanderlust :

      Just a thought – would it help at all to write the reports if you pretended you were giving an oral presentation and recorded yourself just speaking aloud? Then you can transcribe on to paper and make edits as appropriate. Less “thinking about writing” and more “stream of consciousness.”

    • Senior Attorney :

      But you’re getting them done, right?

      I worked as a research attorney for a few years, ghostwriting for a court of appeal justice. I was always afraid that each case was going to be the one that unmasked me as the legal fraud I knew in my heart I was. The thing that helped the most was to give myself permission to just jump in and write a crappy first draft. Just fill the screen with words and it was okay if it was a hot mess. And, of course, the reality was it wasn’t crappy and it wasn’t a hot mess and once I had a first draft it was pretty easy to fix it up so that it was ready to go.

      Would something like that be helpful to you?

    • Are you able in any way to outsource them or is there truly no way to do this? If you can, do it! If you can’t, maybe you can meet with the supervisor and discuss recommendations for improving your capacity so that, over time, it’s not so much of a research project each time? Maybe your predecessor or colleagues had a system that you could learn from? If there’s a professional message board or connections through linkedin, maybe this can be discussed so you can try to learn their methods?

  8. New to Feminine Shoes :

    So, I stop wearing my white shoes after labor day, I’ve heard that one, check. But what about nude espadrilles? Also, what do I replace them with so that I can keep wearing my awkward-length denim skirt into the fall?

    • Senior Attorney :

      Keep wearing your white shoes. And your espadrilles. It’s about the weather more than the calendar.

      Signed,

      September is the Hottest Month in So Cal

    • I don’t think anyone follows that labor day rule anymore as far as I can tell.

    • Anonymous :

      IMO – nude shoes always, espadrilles when it feels right (i.e., when still hot), white shoes NEVER. But that’s just me.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 to “white shoes never.”

      • Rainbow Hair :

        I find it really hard to figure out how to wear white shoes. I mean, clearly the answer is to put them on your feet, but they always seem so… bright? glaring? Sigh, this is relevant because I have to attend a white party thing for work in September. Dress is easy, shoes will be impossible.

        • Anonymous :

          I’m team no-white-shoes. They definitely just look so… stark. When I’ve attended white parties in the past (that big one time!), I wore nude-for-me shoes with my white dress.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            Thanks for the permission to wear nude ones, really! I was thinking I could perhaps convince myself to wear white sandals, but the dress is a sweater dress so that’s kind of silly.

          • I was the same about white shoes, but I presently own two pairs of spectator shoes – one ivory and black, and one bright white and orange. They are pretty fun. The ivory and black have a low heel and a ribbon tie. The white and orange are very flat ankle stap style and are weekend shoes.

            For me, both of these are summer only. I have lots of shoes so it’s fun to save some for strictly summer.

          • I’ll do beachy white flip flops for pool and waterside activities, but that’s the only place white shoes seem appropriate to me.

        • S in Chicago :

          What about metallic? Gold or silver are usually my go-tos if I’m wearing cream.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Every time I think about white shoes I think about an interview I was at one time when the person right before me came out and was in white pants, a blue and white shirt, a white blazer, and violently white heels. It was surprising because she was one of my closest friends and I kiiiiind of thought she’d know better. I got the job…

    • Anonymous :

      Idk I think these old rules are going by the wayside. I saw nude suede espadrilles somewhere recently and nearly choked myself I was clutching my pearls so hard. (Yes I know I’m ridiculous.) Just… wear what you want that you feel comfortable in. Espadrilles are (apparently) fine for fall.

      • New to Feminine Shoes :

        It’s stretching my comfort zone to wear either, ever, but in a good way. I promised my mother I would not wear hiking boots with skirts any more.

    • New to Feminine Shoes :

      I will definitely take all of your excellently flexible advice. But when the weather does change, what will be a good alternative?

    • I wear knee length dark denim skirts as alternatives to navy blue all the time. It’s hard to find one tailored the right way, but when I find one I buy multiples.

      I like pairing navy with colorful shoes like silver or red, but my most worn shoe color with denim or navy is taupe. I wear taupe shoes year round. Mine are no longer made but they were made by Fidji. I have seen similar taupe shoes by some of the higher end brands Nordstrom carries.

      • https://m.jcpenney.com/p/journee-collection-reba-ankle-strap-ballet-flats/pp5008020094?pTmplType=regular&rrec=true&rrplacementtype=category2_rr

        These look a lot like my fidji shoes (choose the taupe color) but mine have more of a heel.

    • This is a guideline that has become mostly obsolete. Base your shoes on the weather, not the date. In my region, it’s still 95 degrees after labor day. no reason to stop wearing either white shoes or espadrilles. And (despite the adamant posts above) there’s nothing inherently anti-stylish about white shoes. It’s all about the shoe and the outfit.

      All that said, if you’re just getting used to wearing stylish shoes, I’d stay away from white, because they can be more difficult. For your denim skirt, go with some kind of nude-for-you shoe, sandal, or bootie … or something in the tan-cognac range.

  9. On the heels on an anon poster last week, I too found out I have precancerous cervical cells – I’m scheduled for a LEEP procedure in a few weeks. Can anyone provide some insight into the procedure, recovery, and what happened at gyn visits weeks/months/years later?

    I’ve talked to my doctor, read all the documentation her office provided, and skimmed the Mayo Clinic and other online sources for information, but I’m really hoping for some more personal insight. Thanks.

    • I had one about 10 years ago. The procedure and recovery were totally fine–I was back at work the next day and didn’t have any discomfort.

      That said, I really wish I had gotten a second opinion before the LEEP. It did not “cure” my recurring bad paps and it scarred my cervix pretty strongly (as I’ve seen up close and personal in countless colposcopies since). I think it was not really necessary as the bad paps have come and gone in the past decade and nothing has progressed to needing additional intervention. Maybe the LEEP is the reason for that, but I suspect not–I think the infection just waxes and wanes. I am not a doctor or any kind of expert, so if your doc says that it is truly necessary don’t listen to a stranger on the internet. But do push back a little to make sure it is truly necessary.

      I have not had a pregnancy to term (miscarriages unrelated to cervical status), but I am very concerned about cervical incompetence if I make it to a late stage due to the scarring. If you do not plan to be pregnant or are done having children, then the above paragraph doesn’t apply–as far as I know, there’s no reason not to have a LEEP if cervical competence isn’t going to be an issue for you in the future.

    • I found the LEEP procedure to be less painful than the colposcopy. I think they numbed me for the LEEP. You will have some discharge that may look like coffee grounds from what they put on after they do the procedure. I had cramping that was pretty bad the day of the procedure, but otherwise didn’t have any problems. I may have gone back to work TBH, but I recommend taking the day off of work if you can!

      My annual appointments didn’t change at all other than the frequency of them for a little while. I don’t recall having any follow up appointments close to the procedure, but I will admit that it has been a while.

      Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, I’m on my phone.

    • I had one 16 years ago (jeez, I am old). I had the procedure done during my lunch break and went right back to work. There was some mild pinching discomfort during the procedure, but nothing afterward. They did tell me that I might see some spotting and some discharge. “Some” discharge is an understatement. Globs of technicolor mucus is more like it! Again, no pain, just incredibly gross.

      I have since had completely clear paps, and have carried two babies to term with vaginal deliveries.

    • Like the posters above, I went right back to work after the procedure without any memorable pain or discomfort. I remember being very apprehensive about the procedure, but I’ve had normal paps ever since. Wishing you good luck!

    • I had a LEEP in 2015. It was over quickly and the recovery was easy. I went back to work after the procedure. I echo the statements about gross discharge for the first few days after, but other than that, it was not bad at all.

      My doctor said no s*x for 2 weeks (some say 6), but I probably only waited 1.5 weeks. Ooops. Everything was fine.

      The doctor got all the precancerous cells (clear margins), my pap this year was normal and my HPV test was negative. She also said I should not have a problem carrying pregnancies to term.

  10. Job Advice :

    I sent in a resume for a high level finance position with a Canadian company that is opening a local office in my SW US city. An initial phone screen with HR went really well, so I expect to have an in person interview in a couple of weeks, when the CFO and some board members travel here.

    What do I want to make sure and ask in the interview? This will be a brand new position in a brand new office, that I’d be partially responsible for setting up. Also, the job is mining related, which indicates that the job/office may have an expiration date. For those in the industry, how much can I ask about worse case scenarios, or what happens when the project closes successfully to my job?

    And another important issue – what do I wear?! Where I live is incredibly casual (finance people seriously do not wear suits to interviews beyond new college grads) and warm. But the people I’ll be interviewing with are from Toronto, and I want to be dressed as they would expect a executive finance to look.

  11. Vicarious Shoe Shopping :

    Oxblood or dark grey booties. 1-3 inch heel. Price doesn’t really matter. Thank you!!

    • I bought the Clark’s Kadri Alexa bootie (lace-up bootie with a 3 inch heel) in burgundy last year and they are so pretty and really comfortable. The leather is pretty stiff but they’re well padded inside. I found them at the Clark’s outlet, but Amazon has them. I would recommend!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      BP Trolley booties. Sold out right now, but I’d anticipate they’ll be re-stocked come fall.

  12. Sloan Sabbith :

    OH.

    BP Tr011ey booties. Sold out right now. But I bet they won’t be in a few weeks.

  13. Anonymous :

    May be too late in the day, but let’s give this a shot. Where do you sell fine jewelry?

    • Google jewelry stores near you and look through the reviews for people talking about selling jewelry there. That’s what I’ve done.

  14. Since someone broached the reality TV topic above, did we see that The Countess LuAnn and her husband of a few months are divorcing?

    Who would ever have seen that coming? *eyeroll*

    • Thanks for sharing this inane bit of news, I had to smile.

    • Anonymous :

      I hope they had a prenup! I just can’t believe she went through with the wedding. She obviously knew the relationship was over ages ago but she thought she would save face by getting married and then immediately divorced? I think it would have been more face-saving to call off the engagement and save guests the time and expense of attending.

      • She was so effing obnoxious about the whole thing I have schadenfreude, as I’m sure do the other housewives. I know, get a life. But this is actually my husband’s favorite show – ha!

        • Anonymous :

          Yeah she was incredibly obnoxious, acting like things were perfect when they were clearly on the brink of a split and working Tom and marriage into every conversation for no reason. Like on last nights show when Bethenny asked them to share their “rose” and “thorn” of the Mexico trip and LuAnn said “my rose is my husband.” Gaaaag.

      • I would have done the same thing. The more those two disgusting trolls (Ramona and Sonja) told me I can’t marry him, the more I would be determined to do it even if I knew it would eventually fail. And, I would be more upset that they were proven right than I would at the dissolution of my 8 month marriage. They will never let her hear the end of it.

  15. Mmmmmshoessss :

    Posted this last night but late so posting again: Any ideas for business formal shoes I can wear socks with? I have hyperhidrosis, so my hands and feet sweat a ton all.the.time and wearing cotton socks helps tremendously. However, I can’t wear them with flats or heels so I am basically relegated to oxfords. I’d like something a little more feminine to wear with dresses but I don’t know what that would be…? And I’m open to more oxford-style shoes too! I guess ankle booties would be ideal but not in summer?? Help…!

    I’m young and wear a lot of ankle pants, so the ankle pants + blouse + oxfords look is cute and fits my aesthetic well…but I am open to your ideas too! My ideal shoes would be somewhat interesting/fashiony but also versatile. This might be a unicorn item…

    • Anonymous :

      Wear cotton trouser socks with any shoe you want.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Did you know you can get shoe liner things (like just the bottom part of a sock, basically?) that you can throw in the washing machine? They absorb your sweat! They can be washed! (I just learned about them this summer.) You can get them on Amazon.

      • + 1. Try something like these https://www.amazon.com/HappyStep-Barefoot-Absorption-Washable-Reusable/dp/B072Q3SXJ7/ref=sr_1_11_a_it?rps=1&ie=UTF8&qid=1501805163&sr=8-11&keywords=sweat%2Babsorb%2Bshoe%2Binsert&refinements=p_72%3A2661618011%2Cp_85%3A2470955011&th=1

    • Job Advice :

      I love oxfords! Clarks makes a surprising number of sleek-looking, feminine ones, and I have several. I wear them mostly with ankle pants, but sometimes with skirts (though I prefer tights then, so that’s a fall/winter look). But I found a more monk strap style pair recently that I think looks great with skirts, the Griffin Mia Kiltie Loafer.

    • shoe recs :

      You might try loafers, either flat or heeled (Born carries some heeled ones right now. A little ’90s for me, but might be good for someone more fashionable than I), or a heeled oxford (I don’t see anything now, but both Born and Frye have had cute versions in the past). Depending on the thin-ness/subtlety of your socks, your comfort with showing any part of them, and the formality of your office a clog could also work for you. Dansko is an option (they also have some non-clog styles that read more formal to me), as is Bryr (my preference in terms of aesthetics).

    • I love wearing socks with work shoes! My favorite pair are Franco Sarto Nolans. They run narrow I think because my feet are only slightly wide and the wides fit perfectly.

  16. Amazon Help :

    There’s a water bottle that’s $25 but there is an option for $3.99. Problem is that I keep clicking through every single choice and I can’t for the life of me find the $3.99 option. HELP?

  17. Paging the 'rette seeking PhD advice :

    Realize it’s late in the day but wanted to add…my husband went to a top 10 school for his STEM field. It’s a large state research institution; he went on to have two prestigious postdocs, one abroad and one at a lab at a #1 school. He had one offer in academia coming out of his postdoc for a low-tier school in an undesirable location. The starting salary was less than his postdoc (LCOL vs HCOL, but still). He decided to go into industry and has been very happy with his decision as he has seen his peers in academia spend most of their time hustling grant money and recruiting students while living in not-great places and making very little (though their COL is very low). Unless you can land at a top university where the money and students are rolling in, this will be a huge part of your time. I think the job market is even worse in the social sciences/humanities. It seems a lot of the academia stuff is very much dependent on how well-networked your advisor and professors are and how much they want to help you get a job. One of his postdoc experiences was great, the other was terrible with a hazing-like culture (very long hours, weekends, svengali-like director; the postdocs used to sneak peeks at his office to see if the motion sensor lights had gone out so they knew he was gone and could go home; he used to exit through the gym every day and note who was working out after hours and not still in the lab, and then comment on it, etc). Very much “it was hard for me so I am going to make it hard for you.” If you can get into a top school, be in the top 1% at that top school, and find your way to a well-networked and benevolent advisor, you can get great offers in desirable locations, but I think you have to be a combination of a wunderkind and very lucky.

  18. VacationPlease :

    First post here!

    I’m a second-year associate at a Biglaw firm. I scheduled a two-week trip back in April (with vacation time approved way back in May, and flights / hotels booked and are non-refundable) and I’m due to go off on Sunday morning. However, the arbitration matter I was working on got pushed back by months(for matters which I could not foresee at all, so my trip now falls smack in the middle of an important deadline which we’re rushing for (the status of which is rather dire).

    Now, my team is big and there’s good cover by associates (who are actually on the file as well) when I’m away – everyone knows what to do and I thought that one less junior associate wouldn’t matter that much. I therefore wasn’t too bothered until last night when I sent the standard reminder to the partner that I’ll be away – I got a reply from him telling me I was irresponsible, go on too much leave (I have taken only 4 out of my 24-day vacation entitlement, and it’s August!), and he was disappointed and angry that I didn’t inform him in advance (completely untrue – he was the one who approved the vacation time and I’d sent repeated reminders).

    All this has gotten me quite upset and I’m in no mood to pack up for my trip – it was supposed to be the highlight of my year before trial begins and I’ll be too caught up to go on vacation. What should I do? I haven’t responded to the partner’s email.

    • I’m not in law so no idea how to reply, but sorry. That really sucks. I think I’d ignore the email (which is definitely not the right move for a responsible employee). Not sure how to play it otherwise.

    • I hate to say this, but this is why your tickets and flights should always be refundable when you’re in Biglaw. Unless it’s your honeymoon — and it doesn’t sound like it is — people are expected to cancel their vacations in exactly this scenario. The nature of litigation is that schedules shift and going on a trip that you booked months ago is rarely going to work out as seamlessly as you thought it would. Also, it’s totally unreasonable to expect a partner to remember the precise schedule for your vacation days that he approved months ago. Sorry to not give you the reassurance you probably want, but I’m not surprised the partner is upset. Is there any way you can move things around, or offer to work remotely to help get whatever is pending finished?

      • VacationPlease :

        Yes, I understand that it’s a rookie mistake. I haven’t actually gone on holiday a single time since I joined the firm (last time I went for a trip was for a 5-day long break after law school) which was why I did repeatedly remind the partner that I was going to be away, arranging cover for my absence, etc. The only time I did go away this year was to go back home for my grandmother’s funeral, but that was a lot more non-negotiable.

        Thank you for your candour though, I do think that I’ve learnt a lesson.

      • Second this. It’s sad but the expectation is that you’d plan around this.
        I have 2 weeks in October and I still don’t know what I will be staffed on, but the first thing I do when I am on a new case is:
        – Send a calendar blocker “Houda on vacation” to the leadership team,
        – Set up a team calendar showing everyone’s days off (I have a more junior person do it if we are too many), then every couple weeks or so I make sure to share it for a few seconds before a meeting
        – Repeat ad nauseam that I will not be there
        – Pray for the best

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Wow, I was in this exact situation (except it was a litigation, not an arbitration). The partner told me I would really be jeopardizing my future at the firm if I went on the trip. I went. I quit a few months later.

      Responding to LC, I would say that you could try to remind the partner as things come up that you have this trip scheduled, but I did that, to the point where I was sure I was being obnoxious, and still the partner acted shocked when I was like, “I can’t do that I will be overseas.”

    • I think the only thing you did wrong was not send a reminder a little earlier. In this situation I would have sent a reminder 6 weeks out and 2 weeks out. That way if the partner wanted you to cancel he could tell you.

      At my Biglaw firm if a partner told you to cancel your vacation, the firm would pay for the vacation, so there’s no need to book refundable tickets. Usually partners will figure out a way to adjust staffing to allow you to go on vacation (though seniors do sometimes get vacations cancelled because they are less replaceable than juniors).

      • I think your partner is being unreasonable and unnecessarily critical. I’m in big law; 5th year and I’ve never bought refundable tickets, nor have I had to cancel any vacations.

        I didn’t really take any vacations until I was a third year, but now I generally take two-weeks at a time.
        Houda and Anon at 6:34 am both provided good suggestions on how to keep your absences on partners’ radars to try to minimize the risk that your vacation gets ruined or that you get blow back. (Although I’m sure some times you can do all the right things and still get in trouble.)

        Hopefully this partner is not the primary partner you work for. What has made the biggest difference for me is working for partners who like to take vacations themselves are more willing to respect vacations. Good luck! Have a great time and don’t let him ruin you well-deserved trip!

  19. I like that they are elegant and soft looking!
    -gabby
    www.orcuttfamilydentistry.com

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