ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 172 Comments

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Belted Zip Front Wool Dress

Akris Punto Belted Zip Front Wool Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I feel like this dress has been around, in one form or another, since I started this blog. (Here's a very similar style, chosen for a Splurge Monday by guest poster Stephanie from Adventures in the Stiletto Jungle.) I like the zippered yoke, the ladylike length, and the self-belt — it looks minimalist and chic. It's $895 at Nordstrom. Akris Punto Belted Zip Front Wool Dress A few lower-priced options are here, here, here; here's a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-6)

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

172 Comments

  1. For those of you who have one handbag and use it every day (or just about every day), how long do you keep it before it starts to look worn and needs to be replaced?

    1. Yay! Splurge Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s and this Nordstrom’s dress, tho I think it is the kind of dress that I first need to loose 5 pounds in the tuchus before I would look great. I hope to do so by the end of May!

      As for the OP, I use a number of handbag’s — Dad calls them schleppers — and there is no set time — it depend’s! on how rough I am with them and wether I put them in something that makes them stain, or I give it to Mason, and he dropps it in the subway where there is disgusteing liquid’s on the floor. So try to take care of your bag’s — use saddel soap and mink oil on them and they will last longer. Also, try not to have a man carry it for you b/c they are embarased and throw it around trying to look macho. FOOEY on men that try and look macho with my handbag’s. DOUBEL FOOEY on Mason for dropping my sachel into some gross liquid on the subway also! I bet he handle’s Lynn’s sachel better then mine!

      I did have a nice weekend with Myrna. She did the run and I met a guy in a bar from Kingston who had a mustach who wanted to know all about me. His name was Wick. I never heard of a guy named Wick, but he is now texteing me telling me he liked me and would I visit him? I hardley know him. His freind Will kept stareing at my boobie’s and Wick told him that was not nice, so I said to Wick that I apreaciated it. Myrna did see me talking to Wick, so mabye she can help advise me. I do NOT need a looser following me but this guy I think had a ranch or a farm or something up there. I would rather date a MD from NYC. FOOEY! Why do these other guy’s appear, but the NYC winners do NOT? I better NOT tell Grandma Trudy about Wick or I will Never hear the end of it. DOUBEL FOOEY! I have to prepare a breif for one of Roberta’s cases, so I wish the HIVE a happy Monday! YAY!!!!!!

    2. IDK but black tends to hold up better / have less noticeable wear than brightly colored or light colored bags.

      FWIW, is your bag a 10? To use the e-bay speak, it is EUC or something less? If something less, I tend to demote the item from office-appropriate to weekend only. I am wearing a cardi that I wear a lot b/c I work in an icelocker. I think it’s fuzzing a bit. It’s a good sweater, but it’s demotion is coming (and probably a bit overdue).

    4. Depends on the make/quality/material of the bag, and what you’re using it for.

      In college and law school, when I was buying mostly decent store-brand bags (from, say Banana Republic or Ann Taylor, in the $100-$200 range), and using them to tote books/laptop/personal items in a major metro area, I would get a year or so out of each before it would die in some way, or just look dirty/worn. By contrast, my mom, who carries a smaller bag for just personal items (and lives in the suburbs, so she’s mostly driving and her bag’s never on, say, the floor of the subway or something), can get 3 or 4 years of daily use out of pretty much any bag – she usually ends up retiring her handbag because she’s tired of it or it’s out of style, not because it gets worn out.

      Now that I have a better bag budget, I have a large MZWallace tote that I used daily last year (when I was lugging a laptop and files on public transportation every day) and now use about twice a week that hardly has any signs of wear at all after about two years of being in use.

      So I think the answer is, it depends on what you spend, what you’re using the bag for, and where you’re using it.

    5. Love this dress!

      I’m a one bag at a time person. It depends on the quality of the bag, of course, but I usually keep the same one for 2-3 years.

      I usually spend $300-500 on something that meets all of my requirements: big enough for what I need without being too big, simple but with some distinctive detail, straps that go over my shoulder comfortably, has pockets and/or dividers, nice leather. I’m picky about colors and hardware (no gold/brass). There’s usually a shopping period 1-4 months when my old bag is starting to fade on me but I can’t find anything else I like. My current bag is a black Rebecca Minkoff Bowery tote with black hardware. I’ve had it for 6 months and love it so far.

      1. Do you buy non-black bags, and if you do, what colors do you think go with everything?

          1. Per one of the above comments, do you find that it tends to hold up less well or last not as long as black?

          2. Depends on the fabric/style of the bag, but not really. The only issue I’ve had has been with a light colored suede bag. Even with the waterproofing, I still have some dirt issues.

        2. I’ve had several non-black bags that I used for over a year: pewter, red, and deep purple. These colors all work as “neutral” for me, but that’s because I only wear a handful of colors. Last I looked, other than black, white, and gray, I have clothes in navy, red, purple, cobalt, and teal.

        3. Depends on your color palette. I tend to wear cobalt, black, white, navy, and certain greens, so camel goes with basically everything in my closet. If I wore more pinks and yellows, it probably wouldn’t work well.

    6. I don’t know if this is what you’re looking for, but I have a few bags on rotation throughout the year. I’ll usually switch out my work bags seasonally (2-3 times a year). I use different bags on the weekend, mostly because I don’t need something as big. I keep the same bags for a few years but switching them seasonally helps keep things fresh and keeps them from getting too worn out.

    7. I have one bag that has been my go-to for probably 4 years. It now looks sad, but it lasted for at least 2-3 years with fairly heavy use. I would occasionally change it out for a few days or a few weeks to something else, but I always come back to it. I have mostly relegated it to the weekends now and just picked up a nylon tote from Steve Madden which might temporarily become my new work bag as I search for something else.

    8. My LV epi bag is now 10+ years and still going strong. I also had a Bottega Veneta bag that lasted me a decade. Colours were black and cherry red respectively.

      Switched to these brands as my older bags needed to be replaced every 2-3 years and I prefer to have bags that last a LONG time.

      In terms of bag colour, Caramel goes with a lot of things, incl black outfits.

    9. I have a croc tote bag that I bought at Kohl’s on sale for about $40, and I’ve been using it daily for 2 years. I take pretty good care of my bag — for instance, I hold it on my lap, rather than put it on the dirty subway floor. It’s still in pretty good shape.

      I like red bags. Like another commenter, I tend to wear very neutral colors (black, white, navy, blue, beige), so the red bag is perfect for me. It goes with everything I own, and it gives me a little bit of color.

    10. I like the patina acquired by good leather and will confess to having never discarded a nice-quality bag on account of its looking lived-in (as opposed to losing functionality, straps breaking down, interior getting shredded etc). Also I like the look of matching shoes and bag, and pretty much restrict my professional kit to black, chocolate brown or tan. Outfit-wise, black leather goods go with black outfits, brown with navy and grey, tan with colours and warmer weather.

    11. I only use one handbag at a time, generally spend about $200-$300 on it, and expect between 18 months and 2 years of use. I usually start the new handbag search around the 18 month time frame, because it takes me awhile to find the next bag and then even longer until I can get the best deal on it.

      As far as color, I wear mostly neutrals, so my handbag is a pop of color. My current is cobalt, my last was a burnt orange and before that was an extremely cheery yellow.

    12. I’ve had good luck with Michael Kors bags. I carried the Jet Set tote in their Luggage color for over a year, and I’ve been using the MK Selma in Navy for over a year as well. I’ve been really impressed with how they held up – I’m not particularly gentle on them.

      I just purchased a Kate Spade Cobble Hill Little Minka from eBay and I got that in a light grey color and I’m hoping it wears as well as the MK bags.

    13. I have a Samsonite laptop bag which I carry every day to work from last three years. I want to use it for two more years at the least. I spent $100 for the bag.

    14. About 3 years. I’m a one-purse person and tend to spend $250-500 on something I love and that I can then carry everywhere everyday (work, out to dinner, etc.) until it starts to show too much wear. I start looking around the 2.5 year mark since it often takes me a while to find a new bag.

  2. I found some pictures from this and OMG — it totally explains how girl middleschoolers and teens in my ‘hood (nowhere near Coachella) dress (unless Coachella-goers are instead dressing like kids in my ‘hood).

    1. Apparently “festival-ready” is an entire clothing style for this year. One brand (h&m, or American apparel, maybe?) actually came out with a Cochella line.

  3. Bay Area folks: can anyone recommend a therapist/psychologist/counselor/whatever for anxiety? Preference is for South Bay (anywhere from San Jose to Mountain View would be ideal, but I’ll take recommendations for someone great outside of that area), and would very much like someone who takes insurance. Thank you!

    1. Rosemary Moffett in San Jose (Saratoga Ave)… She’s wonderful- down to earth, flexible in regards to scheduling etc, and helped me with anxiety/ depression when nothing else was working. I used my workplace EAP, but she was able to continue when those sessions ran out using my Blue Cross insurance.

  4. Any recommended movies / TV shows that are available on Amazon Prime? I’m on maternity leave and am looking for new things to keep me occupied while nursing. I am looking for lighter fare but am generally willing to watch anything. Thanks!

      1. Looooove Orphan Black!
        I think Comedy Central is killing it right now with sketch shows. I love Inside Amy Schumer especially, also Key & Peele, and I’m getting into Kroll Show (all on Amazon Prime and/or Hulu Plus).

      3. Daria!!! Oh, my inner 13-year-old is so happy. Well, as happy as she can be underneath all the cynical teenage world-weariness. :P

    3. +1 for Luther
      Broadchurch
      Jewel in the Crown (old school pbs)
      The Bridge (Bron/Broen – the Swedish show, not the American remake)
      The Honourable Woman
      The Fall (Gillian Anderson and the guy from 50 Shades of Grey)
      Silk (British QC show)
      The Tudors
      Line of Duty (British show about cops investigating dirty cops)

      FYI. With the exception of Broadchurch, I watched all these shows on either Hulu Plus or Netflix, but it looks like they’re also available on Amazon Instant Video

      1. Only the first season of Silk is on Prime, and it was really annoying not to know what happened next! So good though!

    4. On Amazon Prime – Parenthood, The Good Wife, Six Feet Under, Parks and Rec, Broad City. The shows that are more current might not have the most recent season there yet, but everything else should be.

    5. Prime stuff that I have discovered recently, and really liked

      Transparent
      Enlightened
      In Treatment
      Bored to Death
      Mr Selfridge
      The Comeback

      Classics that are worth watching if you haven’t already..

      The Wire
      The Sopranos
      Oz
      6 feet under
      Downton Abbey
      Good Wife

    11. My perennial fave: Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
      A new Aussie fave: Mr. & Mrs. Murder

      1. I don’t think Miss Fisher is available on Amazon. I watched the first 2 seasons on Netflix, though

  5. Hi Everyone – If you meet up with someone you haven’t seen in a while, of course each of you will ask the other “what’s new with you?” If there actually isn’t a single thing new with you and everything is the same, how do you answer? Is the answer always a general, “things are going great!” “can’t complain!” “going really well!”? Do you have any other stock replies? An old colleague used to say “living the dream” but that one doesn’t feel right.

    1. personal or work? For personal, maybe “oh nothing much – same job, same house, but we [did just enjoy] [are really looking forward to] [activity / trip]”

      For work, maybe “still in the same [insert role] position – worked on some great [type of activity] this year”

      In either case, the specific item can help move the conversation forward.

    2. This is a great question and not strange! I usually stick with “things are going well”, and say something positive and specific about my life (dogs are good, house is good, job is good) and quickly throw the question back to the other person.

      A related question is whether or not you feel pressure to have “news”, like it isn’t okay for things to just be rolling along. I do sometimes, like we are constantly supposed to be experiencing big life changes, adventures or improvements.

      1. Thanks everyone for your comments! Yes – the second half of this really caught my attention. There’s a constant pressure do something new and cool. Sometimes it feels like everyone is constantly changing and doing new things. (Not that one way or another is good or bad – I’m at the most steady point I’ve ever been at in my life and absolutely loving it.) But when you say that to someone it’s almost like the answer isn’t good enough because you aren’t doing ENOUGH.

        With that said, all of the responses are great. Good point that general and basic updates can work, too.

        1. I just say, “Same old, how about you?”
          Then hopefully conversation takes off in another direction lolol

          Sometimes I’ll comment on something that happened recently, even if it’s not cool and not really new, like if I saw a great movie recently, or read a nice book, or just tried a new restaurant or recipe last weekend… – it doesn’t have to be big like, “I just purchased a house!” “Just started a new job!” or anything like that…

    3. At work, I usually say X client or case, or an agency’s new regulations, are keeping me busy.

      In my personal life, I relay big news – e.g., we moved, or got a pet – or if it’s a good friend who knows my interests, something like “finally caught up on [TV series!]” or “training for the half marathon.” But for acquaintances, I keep it general – “nothing much really – same old routine, but I’m enjoying it.”

    4. There’s always something new in life – we just don’t realize that the trivial details we dismiss are interesting to other people. Nothing new? Well, there was a great restaurant you tried – that’s new, and everyone loves talking about food. You planted a rosemary plant, started a new zumba class, read a book, read a magazine, bought a dress, struggled with giving up diet Coke for Lent, are really excited to hit 10,000 steps on your fitbit every day last week, are giving a presentation, watched a terrible presentation, read about a policy in Congress that you feel strongly about, are absolutely entranced by Prince George’s adorable news coverage, etc. If you feel like your life isn’t interesting enough to talk about, it totally is.

      If you’re trying to get out of a conversation, though, I give a general run-down with just enough detail to satisfy but not pique curiosity, and move on. “Work’s finally calming down after the acquisition of X company, my boyfriend’s great, and my parents are in good health. How’re you?”

  6. Good question – I struggle with this too, especially because it often becomes the conversation starter – either what is new with you or with the other person. I try to think of small things – like, oh nothing new, but we are really enjoying the warm weather for our garden/hockey playoffs/planning our vacation/etc. Something that can spark a conversation. Will be following other responses.

  7. For those of you that still experience anxiety from the Boston Marathon 2 years ago, I know today might be a rough day and I wanted to say you are not alone. I still have sporadic anxiety too, despite therapy, and I would be a lot happier today if there weren’t constant sirens going past my office. Totally unrelated but not helping. I know it can be isolating when you see stories of all of the victims that have rallied and are there running today and you wonder why you have no desire to even go spectate. Everyone deals differently and it is okay. I know I felt a lot better when other people told me they still had anxiety too (not that you need other’s experience to confirm your own) so I wanted to share that I’m having a rough day too and it will be over before we know it.

    2. About to head to the finish line to cheer on family and friends, and it will be at the front of my mind the whole time. You are not alone.

    3. Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the OKC Bombing. People are still working through the after-effects of it. No one should feel bad in any way to be dealing with the Boston Marathon bombing, which was just 2 years ago. That means this is just the 2nd time people have had to deal with an anniversary.

      Different people handle things differently. Some need to run and prove they can. Others cope in other ways.

      However you deal with the trauma, sending vibes your way for the day.

  8. I wore a new pair of sandals today and promptly got shoe bite on the back of my foot. Any solutions?
    The sandals are lovely and rather expensive so I am hoping for answers that don’t involve dumping them….

    Thanks in advance.

      1. Along the same lines, when I have new(or new-ish) shoes to wear for an event, I will wear them around the house for up to 30 minutes, and feel if they rub or cut in anywhere, then before I leave the house I’ll coat those spots with NuSkin or other type of liquid bandage. It adds an extra layer of protection, until I build up a little bit of resistance in those tender spots. I generally wear shoes with socks all year except summer, so I have to do this whenever I start breaking out the shoes I wear barefoot as well – I have a few pairs of flats that otherwise cut up my foot in the first wear or two if I don’t do the liquid bandaid technique, but are fine otherwise.

    2. I’ve had luck sticking a blister pad to the shoe (instead of to your foot, where you’re supposed to put it).

    3. Echoing the immediate suggestions, but when you get home, inspect the spot that’s giving you the shoe bite (btw, best term ever): if there’s any part of the shoe that’s stiff (like an edge), or has rough stitching that hasn’t been worn in yet, try taking a nail file to that part and softening the spot that way. I had a beautiful pair of Kate Spade flats that did this to me last year, and the offending spot was a rough seam and some factory-new stitching that was tearing my ankle apart. A little attention with a nail file–literally filing down the sharp spots!–and they were perfectly wearable.

      1. Similarly, I find that Clarks flats in my size fit me perfectly except that I get ‘shoe bite’ at the back of my heel which has left me bleeding. I now wear new ones for a trip to the grocery store and then massage out the rigidity in the new leather before the second wear.

    4. Are shoe bites blisters? Just sores? That’s a new term for me.

      ETA: I like the suggestions above, especially Kelly’s.

    5. Nexcare waterproof adhesive bandages are the best for feet. I keep a stash in my bag and my desk for sandal season. They’re kind of a long hexagon shape, with clear adhesive all the way around the pad. They stay on well, and really keep the blister or cut from getting worse once you have it.

    7. This happens to me with every shoe, no matter how comfortable, so I use moleskin for the first 5-10 times I wear a pair.

  9. Hi, I’m searching for a particular kind of bag, and I haven’t been able to find it anywhere, yet. Maybe someone with better shopping skills can help me out?

    I’m looking for a purse, hand held, with a short drop, long and fairly shallow- maybe 6 inches deep, 6 inches wide and at least a foot long (dimensions are flexible, but not much deeper). Black or dark blue. I’d prefer structured, so it holds its shape well (but I’m flexible on that), and with a wide opening that stays open. It does not have to zip closed, and it might be better if it didn’t.

    Thank you in advance for any help or suggestions!

  10. So apparently it’s closed? This used to be my go to for trinkets/gifts for mother’s day, etc. Any ideas on places to shop that have a similar vibe?

    3. Seconding the suggestion of uncommon goods. I actually found some at Beekman 1802 that’s a bit different but very much appropriate for my mother’s sense of style. It’s random, but just throwing it out there in case it works for you too

  11. If you were considering accepting an offer from a very small firm, what questions would you want to ask? I’m most interested in figuring out my future at the firm – i.e. whether they see the associate role as potentially leading to partnership, potential for raises/salary increases, etc. Also interested in where they find clients, how much of the associate’s time will be on business development & what that would look like. What else should I be asking about?

    1. Maternity leave if you plan to have kids? Bonuses? Other benefits like vacation time & 401K? Billable hour requirements & actual average billable hours of associates? Time to partnership? What are the expectations for how much business you need to have before making partner? If you’re junior, I’d make sure to ask questions about training, feedback and how cases will be staffed; basically figure out how you’ll learn to be a lawyer at this firm. That’s less applicable if you’re a mid-level or above.

    2. I’d ask something like “where do you see the firm in five years?” You’ll usually get a good answer as to whether they’re looking to expand or stay the same size, to move into or away from particular practice areas, etc.

    3. I might not ask this, but I would try to do some LinkedIn sleuthing to figure out turnover and where people who left have ended up. This is important, since it’s likely that any next job won’t be your last.

  12. I’m looking for a dress for black tie optional wedding; ceremony will be in a church so not strapless/one shoulder (I don’t like to carry around a wrap). Bridesmaids will be wearing short dresses, as will most other guests, so that’s my preference. Having an extremely difficult time finding something conservative enough for the church that is both formal enough and doesnt feel too matronly for a 20-something. Thanks for any leads!

    1. No specific recommendation, but for an event like this, I’d wear a little sweater or jacket over the dress at the church and then stash the sweater someplace during the reception, assuming the reception is less conservative.

    2. Check out Adrianna Papell (tons of options online via Nordstrom). Lots of her dresses have cap sleeves with enough shoulder coverage that you should be comfortable in a church setting, but the designs are definitely not “matronly”. This is my go-to for dresses that I want to be flattering but conservative (eg work holiday cocktail parties).

      1. +1. Also see Eliza J and BB Dakota (also at Nordies). Nordstrom has a lot of cute lace dresses right now that offer more coverage but don’t feel matronly. Also, fit and accessories go a long way towards making a conservative dress feel young.

        1. I was just going to say – call Nordstrom’s and talk to a personal shopper – tell them what you just told us and have them pull some things for you!

  13. Help me plan a trip:

    My friends have 8 days to drive from Seattle to LA. They are from the UK and have spent time in the city part of San Francisco and Seattle but not the outside. They like nature things. Thoughts?

    1. In California, definitely allow a day or so in Big Sur. They should drive through Monterey/Carmel in route and have a meal there but maybe not stay overnight if they’re staying overnight at Big Sur. Napa is a nice place to spend a day too, especially if they like food or wine, and the scenery there is nice (a hot air balloon ride is gorgeous but spendy). I prefer coastal/mountain scenery, so I’d breeze through CA until I hit Napa, but if they liked wooded forests, they might spend a day in one of the National Forests in Northern CA up by the Oregon border. In Southern California, I’d stop in Santa Barbara, which is very pretty. I don’t know as much about Oregon and WA, but it looks like Portland, OR is pretty much on the direct route, so I’d stop there for sure, and I’d try to go to Crater Lake and maybe one of the National Parks in WA.

    2. The three nature-y things that immediately pop to mind are Hood River, Oregon (Mt. Hood National Forest), Redwood National Park, and Yosemite. I don’t think they could do all three in 8 days, but depending on their route they could pick and choose one of them.

      If I were taking that route, I’d drive from Seattle to Willamette and spend a half day/night in wine country. If wine is not really their thing, I’d maybe drive a little further and stay in Eugene, OR (the area looks very beautiful, green, and nature-y). I’d drive down the coast and stop at Redwood National Park. Then maybe a stop in Napa depending on timing, and I’d drive down the 1 through Half Moon Bay/Monterey. If they wanted to go to Yosemite, they could go inland from there. If not, they could continue down 1 to Santa Barbara and Malibu. There are a few national forests and recreation areas in those areas (although I’ve never spent any time in them), but it’s also a beautiful area near the water, which they may enjoy. If they have time in the LA area, I’d suggest ending their trip in Santa Monica.

    3. I’m not so well versed on the California side, but Washington and Oregon have some awesome stuff. I love seeing Mount St. Helens, it really cool to see how much the area has recovered in the past decades.

      The coast of Oregon is beautiful. The 101 goes the whole way down, and they can stop at any of the little towns along the way. Astoria, Newport, Cannon Beach are ones I’ve been to, I don’t know the ones further south as well. Jedediah Smith Redwood State Park near Crescent City, CA is awesome.

      If they want to do a non-coastal route, I recommend staying somewhere like Hood River, driving down to Bend, OR, and going to go see Crater Lake.

  14. We’ve talked about dating someone with less money, but what about when the shoe’s on the other foot? I’m fairly happy with my level of success right now (certainly wouldn’t turn down a raise, of course), but I’m comfortable enough. My boyfriend, however, makes a decent amount more than I do, and frequently goes out for expensive meals I’d never spring for myself, goes out to eat simply more often, and travels a LOT more, and he wants to enjoy these things with me. It’s no big deal for him to pick up the tab, but I despise feeling like a mooch or a kept woman. At first we just alternated, but this quickly became unsustainable for me, so after I discussed the financial realities with him, I suggested I’d assume I would pay for the cheaper meals, and he would pick up the more expensive ones. It seems to be working so far, and he enjoys feeling treated and respects me for it. We haven’t tackled travel yet, though.

    How does everyone else handle financial discrepancies when you’re the “poorer” one in the (non-shared finances) relationship?

    1. Can’t answer this question. I’m single, but if you email me at bostoncorpor3tt3 at gmail, I’ll add you to the fitbit group

    2. This is a good question…. I have had trouble with this too. I have lost friendships more than boyfriends because of it. When I started saying… “No I can’t fly to Bermuda next month……” eventually my friends who could got tired and moved on.

      I have always stayed within my means with boyfriends, and split things/traded off. I didn’t feel comfortable letting him pay more, even when it was not an issue with him, except for the rare special occasion. But I’m single now, so not the best role model.

    3. I think it depends on how serious the relationship is. But I always found with my now fiance that he wants to someone to enjoy these activities with. Its not as much fun for him to go out to dinner, go traveling without a partner in crime. So yah I felt guilty about it for a while, but then I realized he didn’t really care about the money total he was just in it for the experience.

      When we moved in together we looked at our incomes and figured out a fair ratio of rent based on the difference of our incomes. So we were each contributing, but it didn’t make sense to split it in half when he was making three times what I was making.

    4. When I’m in a situation like that, I trade off paying. One time I plan the outing and I pay for it (so it’s something in my budget), next time, the other person picks what we do and pays. If it is something that I don’t feel comfortable with them paying for, I will suggest doing something else, or just not do that thing, and we’ll get together another time. My experience is that it tends to work better when I’m proactive about planning and suggesting activities or restaurants that I’m more comfortable with.

    5. DH and me were in the same situation when dating (and still are). Our current income ratio is ~ 3:5.
      While dating & not yet living together:
      Meals: He would pay when eating out & I would grocery shop when cooking at home.
      Travel: We would chose the destination together, without any thoughts to money. Each of us would then spend a day or so researching what each of us would book, taking into account individual funds & preferences. He would then cover the difference between “my” travel plans and “his” travel plans.
      Now that we are married, we split all joint costs pro-rata based on our net income. Restaurants etc. are paid by whoever choses the place.

    6. Haha, this is me. Even with me in biglaw, my boyfriend still makes about twice as much as I do. I appreciate being treated when he does, he appreciates me treating him when I do, which is about 30-40% of the time, but he still springs for the bigger splurges. He knows that I am happy to order a pizza but often he wants to try a nice new restaurant and take me along. All this being said, I know he also appreciates me reminding him to save for our future of combined finances.

    7. For travel, would you be comfortable with something like just covering your own flight and letting him pick up his own flight + hotel for both of you? Splitting flight & hotel 50/50, then letting him pick up the tab for meals and activities once you’re there? Are there shorter trips where you could afford to pay for half that you could do together? Would you be comfortable with something like letting him book the flight and hotel, then picking up the tab for the meals once you’re there (this is my brother and his girlfriend’s solution in a similar situation)?

      I get your concern, but at the same time, if he can afford to foot the bill (or most of it) for both of you, and wants to pay that bill because he enjoys your company and wants to go on a trip with you, is that really so terrible? To me, financial equity in a relationship isn’t about splitting everything 50/50, it’s about each partner contributing how and to the extent that they’re able to. Put yourself in his shoes for a second – if you had a partner whose company you enjoyed, who you out-earned, wouldn’t you be willing to pay his way sometimes so the two of you could share activities together that he maybe couldn’t afford to pay exactly 50% of?

      1. It’s not terrible for him to pay for travel, it just makes me uncomfortable. I’m comfortable knowing that when we go out to brunch or coffee, I get the check, and when we go out to dinner or $15 drinks, he gets the check. I’m ok knowing where the division of responsibilities lies, according to our respective incomes.

        The problem for me is that for something like a trip, it’s simply not in the budget to travel to luxurious places four times a year. The most recent example of this is the Napa Valley trip he suggested to visit his sister. (We live on the east coast.) The plane ticket for that trip would’ve eaten my entire travel budget for six months, so he would’ve had to pick up the hotels, the food, all ground transportation, and any incidental costs, and I wouldn’t have been able to contribute anything on the beach trip I already agreed to this summer. We’re not talking about a 40%/60% split on travel here, we’re talking like 5%/95%. Perhaps I undersold how much more disposable income he has than I have.

        I was hoping people might have suggestions for negotiating this kind of issue without him feeling like his standard of living is lowered, and without me feeling like a complete slob, but it sounds like I’ll just have to bow out of a lot of trips, and swallow my pride otherwise.

        1. it’s never been as big of a gap for me, but i’ve been in situations where my then bf’s family has taken me on vacations. i think at some point you just have to swallow your pride a bit. you’re not a mooch or a kept woman. you’ve met someone who wants to treat you well to wonderful things, so try to enjoy that aspect of it.

          it always helped when my now-husband did something extravagant for me that he framed it as a gift, or something nice he wanted to do for me, so maybe you could discuss limiting these types of expenses to “special occasions” (so, e.g., a birthday or gift would be an excuse to “gift” a vacation).

          1. I think that’s part of what makes me uncomfortable – he doesn’t really do “gifts” well. If he’d said, “I’d like to take you on a trip to wine country,” I’d happily accept the gift, but he says, “Hey, would you be interested in going to see my sister in Napa in two weeks?” to which I reply, “Sure,” and he says “Great.” Then nothing, and I have to say, “I can’t afford it; are you paying?”

          2. Agree with Ella. And might as well let him know that it is awkward as heck (and frankly, a little oblivious/inconsiderate) that he doesn’t seem to acknowledge the financial realities of your life when suggesting extravagant trips.

          3. I think the answer to “Hey, do you want to go to Napa?” is “I’d love to but it’s not in my budget.” And then it puts it on him to decide whether he’s going to pay.

          4. I definitely agree with Senior Attorney. Saying “sure” isn’t a great response given the financial situations, and her phrasing gets rid of any awkwardness immediately.

        2. I think this is maybe something you should discuss. Lay it out like you did here – BF, you know I love hanging with you and travelling with you, but I do have to budget a bit more carefully than you. If you want me to pay my own way, I really can only afford 1 trip a year. If you still want me to accompany you on these trips, then you’ll have to pay because I simply can’t afford it.

          Then he can decide. Maybe he doesn’t understand the disparity between your incomes or maybe he expects you to pay your own way or maybe he’d be happy to pay and have your company.

          1. New Guy and I have had pretty much this same conversation and it went fine, although the money part was kind of an aside in a more general conversation about travel: We were talking about taking a foreign vacation later in the year and when I demurred because it wasn’t in my budget, he asked whether if I’d be able to go if he paid and I allowed as how that would be just fine, thank you very much. Boom! Done!

    8. Not a relationship but a really good friend I have dinner with a couple of times a week – I generally cook and he brings wine. That way I can do something that’s more vegetable-y if my finances are feeling tight. And there’s no awkwardness with splitting bills.

    9. We use socialism. From each according to their ability, to each according to their needs. My BF makes about twice what I do, so he pays 2/3 of the rent, groceries, utilities, etc., and I pay 1/3. We have a google spreadsheet and whenever one of us pays a joint expense – concert tickets, pays for dinner, etc – we enter it there. We’re very geeky and specific about the proportion — when he got a small raise, my rent went down by $8 — but you wouldn’t have to be.

      We like this system because it’s scalable. Whatever we undertake should be equally affordable for both of us, and this way, it is.

      1. I just laughed out loud at your intro, but this is pretty much what we do too (minus the spreadsheet – we approximate).

    10. I don’t feel badly at all about my beau treating me to expensive trips and nice dinners. And if he asks me to go, the assumption is that he’s treating. :-)

      I treat him to things as well, by often preparing his favorite meals at home, surprising him with movie tickets, etc.

  15. Was it on this s!te that someone recommended an app that donates money every time you go to the gym/complete a workout? Does anyone remember the name? Thanks!

  16. This is kind of vague, but does anyone have ideas for a customizable (or not, if it already has what I’m looking for) bracelet (that’s work-appropriate) with an inscription that won’t break the bank? I’d like to have something to look at that says mindfulness or something similar, but the silicone bracelet-type things just don’t seem work appropriate. I’ve looked around etsy but haven’t found anything to my liking.

      1. love this one, thanks! a little more than I wanted to spend but I think it’ll be worth it.

    2. You might try a 12 step store, online or bricks and mortar. The ones with a more extensive inventory sometimes have things like this.

    3. Check out the Caliber Collection by Jewelry for a Cause. Cuffs and bangles made out of recycled guns and bullets and part of the proceeds goes to fund gun buybacks in several different cities. Nicely made and very subtle, so not apt to offend those who are pro-gun.

  17. I’m a mid-30s, married with a child, government lawyer. Husband, kiddo, and job are great, but I feel like something is missing in my life. I feel like I need a hobby, goal, something to look forward to or work towards, some excitement….just something. I love working out, but I’m not a distance runner so training for a marathon or the like is out. Any suggestions?

    1. -work through a whole cookbook
      -learn how to make bread (Josey Baker Bread is a great cookbook)
      -try a crazy new cooking thing – pretzels with lye, brewing beer, kombucha, pickle things..
      -take a class to learn a new skill (sewing, cooking, ice skating, etc)
      -check out your local tech shop/maker space and learn how to laser cut or 3D print
      -volunteer
      -plan a trip
      -join a book club
      -join a soft ball team, kick ball team, Ultimate frisbee team
      -build / create something for your child like a box kite the size of your fridge
      -learn a language – then travel there
      -create a new tradition for the week. Maybe if you like coffee find a new coffee place to try every Friday Morning
      -host friends and family potlucks Sunday Afternoons

    2. Learning a new skill- cooking, art, photography, something where you can get a tangible result. Volunteer work is also a good way to get outside your life and feel some accomplishment. I know that you said that you don’t love distance running, but a half marathon or a sprint tri might be manageable goals. I ran my first half this year and liked it more than I thought I would.

    3. Suggestions you can join/start a book or articles club, running club, does not have to be training for anything. Take a photography, language or cooking class. Try coloring, adult coloring books are available on Amazon. Volunteer, I recently learned that my town has a program that teaches financial education to low income people, so depending on what you prefer there could be opportunities that are intellectually challenging.Host/participate in a game night it can be cards, board games or even video games

    4. yoga (some studios do 30 day or longer challenges)
      triathlon training (I am not a runner, but I love biking and swimming) or biking (there is a big race here in Houston called the MS 150, where you ride for charity)
      book club (start one! join one!)
      professional group (join one? there are tons in Houston that meet for breakfast/lunch or happy hour that focus on a number of issues– it’s an opportunity to learn, network and socialize)

    5. Do you cook? Have people over! It can seem scary at first, but your guests will love it. Consider a supper club with some of your friends or even a progressive supper.

    6. Take something you like and try a new version of it. You run, so try signing up for some 5k or 10k races. Or coaching a girls’ running team. Or joining a running club. Or becoming a distance runner (unless you don’t want to) and training for a half-marathon. Same thing for any other pastime you currently enjoy.

      Alternatively, add something completely new and different to your routine. Join a team sport that isn’t running. Go kayaking or canoeing. Take a dance class. Learn to play a musical instrument. Take a class on painting or pottery or sculpting. Garden. Cook. Make your own beer. Work on making new friends and actively expanding your social circle, and host people at your house for dinners or drinks or BBQs or whatever.

    7. Get involved with your local bar association! Mentor law students, or volunteer at a legal aid. It’s a great way to meet people and contribute to your community.

    8. It’s a little over halfway over, but write a novel (camp nanowrimo is april, nanowrimo is in november, and they might be doing another camp in the summer). :)

      http://www.nanowrimo.org | http://www.campnanowrimo.org

      Make a bucket list of everything you want to do or learn – I have things that range from things like “solve a rubix cube” or “get a poem published” to “pet a tiger” and “go ziplining.”

    9. Learn something. Whether it’s a language, an instrument, how to brew beer or the history of the universe, find something that fascinates you and study it.

  18. Should you tell a prospective boss that you are still looking for opportunities elsewhere? I’m in academic research and can’t post this anonymously on the other forums I’m on. There is a chance that I could be hired by a P.I.(professor) at University A, however I am in the process of applying for a university fellowship at University B which is in a different country (already in contact with another Professor there). The person at Uni A, had advertised for someone who can work for a year but at the interview stage specified they would prefer them to stay for two. If I got this fellowship there is a high probability that I would be leaving at the end of year 1, maybe earlier. My inclination is to always be upfront about everything but I am cautious because I don’t how supportive the professor A would be since she is also trying to establish herself. Anecdotal evidence from friends at similar career stage suggests that most Professors are more interested in how your work can help them build their portfolios and may not be as interested in your own development. Two: Gaining independence is very important for me at this stage, I’m a minority female in a male dominated field and been struggling with little support and I currently feel extremely isolated. Advice from the hive?

    1. Be upfront – always good and the academic world is very small ! The professor may want you regardless – emphasize how are suited to the position and can get up and running quickly to contribute in one year- and also, you might not get the fellowship job so I wouldn’t worry too much. As for isolated- try to be open minded and inclusive. Some of my best friends as grad student and postdoc were men and women both, from all different cultures – a benefit of academia for sure. I did always try to find environments that were people- friendly , it makes a difference. In some cases if you open up and start making friendships you can be the change- you can make the environment better for everyone(sometimes you can’t – you just have to deal or move on then)!

    2. As someone in the position of Professor A, I would want to know, but it would also make you a somewhat less competitive candidate- if there was someone equally good who definitely wanted to stay two years, I’d hire them instead. If you were clearly the best applicant, I’d probably hire you anyway. If you took the job without telling me you were actively looking for another position, and then left in less than a year, I would be pretty unhappy and that would be reflected in letters of rec. It’s not that I only care about how you can help me, and if I was in a more senior position, it wouldn’t matter quite so much, but at this point, if I don’t get grants and papers out, there will be no more lab and I won’t be hiring anybody or able to do any research, so everyone is worse off! On the other hand, you’d be much more likely to get support and attention from me than in a huge lab with a famous PI.

      1. @Anna, thank you for your feedback. My dilemma really lies in the 1st part about how competitive I would be. As for being in a “huge lab with a famous PI”, this is not a priority for me, would actually prefer a smaller lab. Incidentally my PhD advisor is someone who is very well known in his field, among the best but what I really valued in working with him was that he genuinely cared about the development of the student.

    3. Lots of things could happen to keep you from staying at University A for 2 years besides just another fellowship. You could get hit by a bus, you could have a family member get sick and you’d need to leave to take care of them, you win some kind of lottery or marry a multi-billionaire and never work again, you could decide you hate this line of work, etc. Unless they want you to sign some kind of contract where there is a penalty if you don’t stay for 2 years, I don’t think you need to be 100% honest about the fact that you might leave after 1. An answer like “I’d like to stay for the full 2 years and I don’t have anything that would prevent me from doing that right now” is factually true, but isn’t lying to Prof A if something else comes through.

      I wouldn’t say anything to Prof A about Uni B unless you’ve already been accepted to Uni B’s position and plan to take it – because it certainly isn’t in the bag yet, and no point in ruining your chances with Prof A over a maybe at Uni B.

      Regarding point 2: is there a professional group aimed at women in your field where you could find a female mentor or support? I’m thinking something like SWE (Society of Women Engineers) or similar.

      ETA- I’m not in academia directly, so the above advise might be better suited to your position – I am coming at in from a business perspective. Maybe you could split the difference and be upfront after you were offered the position at Uni A but before accepting it, asking the PI if it’s a dealbreaker?

      1. @Meg Murry, thanks for the feedback. I am already a member of a professional group for women in my field, which has been somewhat helpful.

        ETA: Just read your edit, definitely something to consider.

      2. I agree with this, with the caveat that I’m not in academia and maybe the rules are wildly different. But in my world this is absolutely what I’d do.

      3. I’m not in academia either, but my DH is. You said that it is very likely that you will leave within a year if you got this– You need to tell P.I. A at some point before accepting the position. It might make you a less competitive candidate, but if you don’t tell PI A, and you do leave after/before a year, it will very likely give you a bad reputation. Academia is a very small and insular world that crosses international borders (especially if you intend to stay in your particular niche field). You don’t want to risk getting a reputation for being deceitful or flakey (even if such a reputation is a bit unwarranted). Be as upfront as possible if you get the offer. I don’t think academia is like the business world where my advice to you would be the opposite and agree with MegMurry and Senior Attorney.

  19. I’d love to get insight from people who’ve worked full time while studying for the bar.

    I’m in talks for a job across the country. I’d have to take the July bar, my second. I’m trying to decide the start date for my new job. I’m leaving my current job at the beginning of June regardless. That means I can start my new job in June and study while working or take two months off and wait until August after the bar (which I can afford but don’t necessarily love the idea of – blowing through savings, locked alone in a new city with nothing but bar prep).

    I’m chomping at the bit to get to work, but that may not be prudent. I want to make a good impression with dedication to the job and of course I want to pass the bar. Insight from people who’ve been here?

    1. Delaying your start date seems like a no brainer to me. I understand you don’t want to be out of work for 6 months, but taking roughly 8 weeks off to study for the bar gives you the study time you need without significantly impacting finances or your resume. I know a lot of smart people who have failed the bar while working because they simply didn’t have time to devote to it. And even those who passed went into the bar feeling unprepared & came out seriously questioning whether they’d passed. I would gladly trade a few weeks of salary/work experience for the peace of mind that I’m prepared for the bar.

    2. If it’s not a financial crunch, I’d delay your start date. I studied for a second bar while working full time, and it’s doable, but it wasn’t pleasant and I slacked a bit at work during that time, so I wouldn’t want to be trying to study when you have just started a new job and are trying to make a good impression. 8 weeks is more than enough time to study, and you could even take some time off during that for a vacation before starting the new job/taking the bar.

      1. I agree with this. I also took my second bar while working full-time, and I passed, but I was pretty stressed and unhappy for a couple of months, I barely saw my friends or family during that time, and I slacked off at work, too. I would definitely delay your start date.

    3. I took my first bar while working retail about 25 hours a week. It wasn’t ideal, but I couldn’t afford BarBri any other way. I’m assuming this would be a legal job – could you offer to work part time, either mornings every day or Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday, through the bar and then come in full time?

    4. I took my second bar about 18 months after the first, while working full time. The first state was California (really hard) and the second state was pretty easy in comparison. I took 2 weeks off before the bar to study, used my old barbri materials plus some I borrowed for the local stuff, and had no problem. It probably helped that I still remembered a lot from the first time around. I don’t think you need 2 months to study for a second bar. But it might be nice to take some time off before you start studying.

  20. I 100% understand not wearing white to a wedding, but now that so many brides want to wear white to everything relating to marriage (bachelore**e parties, showers, engagement parties), and the warm weather is approaching, is it now inappropriate to wear white as a guest to these events, too? I have some lovely cream and white dresses that are perfect for spring weather that I’m not sure I can wear to an upcoming shower.

    1. OMG. The rule is for weddings.

      Isn’t there a S*x and the City episode where it’s pointed out that you, as the bride, get One Day. Showers, etc. are free for the white-wearing.

      1. I disagree. Guests should not wear all white to any wedding related event. Brides get one day for their wedding, rehearsal dinner, bachelorette party, shower, and engagement party. That’s 5 days out of the year you shouldn’t wear all white. I don’t think that is too much to ask and generally only close friends and family go to some of those events.

        1. Exactly this. White attire denotes “bride” at all wedding-related events.

        1. seconded – not worth the potential conflict or drama even if its not specifically demanded in “the rules” (a term i use somewhat sarcastically)

    3. Yeah, I think it’s kind of inappropriate to wear white to any wedding event. I’d say the rules are probably more liberal for non-wedding events than they are for the wedding itself and I definitely wouldn’t hesitate to wear a dress that had a lot of white but a lot of other colors as well. But I would stay away from all white/cream dresses especially if they have lace or other traditionally “bride-y” elements.

    4. I would try to stay clear. If you are going to wear white, stick with something very casual and break it up with some other color so you’re not full on white (large colorful necklace and cardi ).

    5. I wouldn’t wear white to any bridal-related events. And I would expect people not to wear white to my bridal events, unless I specifically requested that they do.

      Why would you even want to wear white to, say, a bridal shower, if you aren’t the bride? And this question is coming from someone who loves a crisp white dress.

      1. I don’t wear a lot of dresses, therefore I don’t own a lot of dresses. I have one very nice white dress that would be appropriately formal (but not too formal) for a shower. The dress is seasonally appropriate for spring and summer, and one of the very few non-work dresses that I own. I would want to take advantage of wearing it to any occasion it might be stylistically appropriate for.

        I will not wear my nice white dress to a bridal shower because a lot of people think like you do, but my reasoning is an example of one reason someone might want to. Short version: I have it, it’s pretty, I want to wear it.

  21. “Ladylike length”? Let’s each take a minute to unpack that phrase, agree it has some gross stuff built into it, and then get back to fighting the patriarchy.

    1. Boom. How about work-appropriate length? Any length that covers your bits is ladylike.

      1. I think you should be able to bend forward at the waist a bit without showing any underwear. I had to cover someone’s eyes in church (church!) yesterday.

    2. Yeah…a few months ago one of my glossy mags referred to vegan cuisine as “ladylike,” which I found really troubling too. First, that vegan food is for being thin, and then that being thin is ladylike. (If anyone else has a different reading of this, help me out!)

      1. Depending on the context, I might read that as saying that vegan food isn’t as “messy” or “gross” as eating, say, a steak. Still problematic even in that case, though.

      2. I didn’t see the magazine referenced, but to me it implies something entirely different than being thin. To me, “ladylike vegan cuisine” paints a picture contrasting civility, manners, and polite eating with a fork and knife against a bearded burly-man ripping flesh from a carcass with his bare hands.

        1. Which is exactly how I eat my steak. I even have a fake beard and lumberjack flannel hat I put on to make it a really masculine event – how did you guess!

  22. We eat freshly baked bread with olive oil a lot in the evenings. What’s a good substitute for oil? bonus points if it’s lower calorie, but the real reason for the question is that we’re out of oil and I don’t want to go back to the grocery store until the weekend.

    1. I don’t think you can get better than olive oil, honestly, unless you want to go a completely different route and put hummus or almond butter on your bread. Maybe a vegan spinach and artichoke dip, but it’s unlikely you’ll just happen to have almond milk, artichoke hearts, raw cashews, and spinach on hand, so that negates the avoiding-the-store bit. Not-healthier suggestions: butter (obviously), bacon fat, honey, smooshed avocado (with lemon juice, salt, and a bit of red pepper), walnut red pepper relish, egg salad, chopped olives with tuna.

      http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/red-pepper-walnut-relish

    4. Do you have a can of chickpeas and a hand blender? Go to town with your spice drawer and create a custom houmous!

  23. Please help! I was asked by my practice’s chair to have a call re: merit (e.g., promotions and raises) this afternoon. The only other time I’ve been in this kind of discussion was at my previous job, which was a much smaller practice, and I had this discussion with my boss (who I worked closely with). I’ve never worked with this chair before, but I know my boss has most likely spoken to her about my performance, etc. (nothing worrisome on that front). I want to discuss a significant raise (around 20%) and a promotion (as do most people). This is pretty ambitious, as I’ve been with the company for less than 1 year. However, a junior colleague of mine started around the same time and has been promoted with a 20% raise, so I don’t think this is an unreasonable ask (granted, she was more junior, so her 20% is less than a 20% for me and she still bills at a lower rate, so the clients/company don’t mind).

    I’d appreciate any advice and tips from the hive! I’m also looking up info on Ask a Manager, but thought I’d pop on here and ask for some advice too. Thanks in advance.

  25. Hi all – I think my comment got deleted for some reason. But I was asked to do a merit call with my practice chair this afternoon (discussing raises and promotions). I’ve never had one of these discussions before where I asked for a raise and a promotion, which is what I’d like to do today. It’s a bit tricky since I haven’t been with the company for a whole year, but a junior colleague started around the same time and received a promotion and raise recently. Granted – as she is more junior, her promotion and raise still costs the company and the clients less than if I were to get a raise and promotion. I’d appreciate any advice the hive has! I’m also looking up info on sites like Ask a Manager, but would appreciate your advice as well!

    – If I get an X percent raise, can I ask for more on the spot? I’m hoping for 20% (significant, I know, but I’ve received excellent performance evaluations and this is in line with other promotion pay bumps).
    – If she states that I didn’t get a promotion, can I ask why and what I can do to get it next time?
    – Any other advice?

    EEeeeeeee I’m so nervous!

    Thanks in advance.

Comments are closed.