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As I mentioned on Monday's round-up of professional-looking satchels, bucket bags are EVERYWHERE right now. This light pink one from Elizabeth and James looks perfect — not too big, not too small, crossbody strap, shorter handle… perfect. It's $445 at Zappos. (If you like the style and the price, there are a zillion different iterations of it — color, size, etc. I also like this black and white palm print backpack sling at Neiman Marcus.) Elizabeth and James Cynnie Mini Bucket Bag
Two lower-priced options are here and here.
(L-5)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anonymous
Yesterday’s maternity leave discussion got me thinking: For those of you at large law firms that have a minimum time for promotion, e.g., X full years of practice before consideration for promotion to partner, how does maternity leave affect that? If you take a 6 month leave, do you lose a year on the promotion clock or does the year in which you take the leave have the potential to count? If it counts in theory, does it actually count in practice from what you’ve observed?
Anonymous
Prior firm: A leave-year counted toward partnership as long as the associate met the prorated hours for that year. That said, our leave was only 3 months so I can see where it’s “easier” to give credit where the associate’s year was still 9 months. I only know firsthand of one associate who took maternity leave and stayed long enough to be up for partner, and she made it on schedule as if her two leave-years had been full years.
Current firm: We have a new-ish partnership policy and it is undefined whether a leave year will count. No attorney has ever used leave since the current policy has been in place, but I suspect the outcome will be highly up to the perceived value of the particular associate (“Will we even take a hit if she leaves for somewhere that will make her partner now? No? Okay, year doesn’t count.”)
(I know it sounds like old firm>new firm, but this is really the only aspect on which that’s true, and I’m not going to have children so while it offends me as a female, it wasn’t a dealbreaker for my particular situation.)
TBK
At my old firm, it was sort of up to the associate. You could ask to defer partnership consideration for another year for a number of reasons, among them was having been out on maternity leave.
Mo
Associates are eligible after 8 years in my old firm, but, in practice, it’s rare for someone to make it before 10 years. Given that background, it’s hard to know whether women who took leaves are getting hit. I took 6 months leave and got promoted with my class, and I think that’s true for most women who’ve had kids.
anon
At our firm , you don’t formally get docked a year. But we are similar to Mo – associates are eligible after 7 years, the track is more like 9-11 and there’s a push to bring it down to something more like 8-10. We’ve been told that the membership committee doesn’t take into account maternity leaves (because they often wouldn’t know about them), so it’s probably more a question of when your group will put you up for partnership.
cbackson
There’s no formal impact, but people who take leave close to when they’re up for partner often struggle to make it. It takes a killer couple of years to make partner, and anything that makes you less job-focused in the two years or so prior to your consideration year is going to make you less competitive than other candidates.
mcmc
I really hate these satchels. maybe it was because I had one as a kid in the 90’s. I don’t think they look professional.
Anonymous
+1 million. They remind me of those mini-backpacks that everyone carried in the 90s. So ugly.
Anon
+2. If Cher Horowitz wore it, then I don’t want to wear it.
Cream Tea
Way harsh, Tai.
la vie en bleu
well she is a virgin, who can’t drive….
Anonymous
Agreed. Things get very lost in those bags.
tesyaa
I don’t mind the way they look but the shape is not functional for me. I like to have room for a letter sized envelope without squashing, and this style doesn’t work for that.
Coach Laura
+1
LilyS
Agreed. There are quite a lot of bags like this that I don’t see how they physically work unless you have nothing bigger than a wallet. (Even lots of larger bags don’t work for me because the subdivisions leave no section wide enough for a water bottle or pencil case, for example)
Sydney Bristow
They seem completely non-functional to me.
Ellen
Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open thread’s and mabye even some Sachel if NOT this one, b/c my dad would tell me that a bucket sachel like this one is just like my tuchus==>>>big and getting bigger by the day.
This sachel look’s like it could hold a bowling ball, which my dad has also described my tuchus as lookeing like! FOOEY on dad and his dumm coments about my tuchus. He say’s this onley b/c he has no tuchus and need’s suspender’s to hold his pant’s up b/c there is no tuchus to catch his pant’s on the way down!
This weekend, we are eateing at a Restrunt of the manageing partner’s brother, and then Myrna is takeing me up to the Catskill’s where she is running an iron man race. The last time that happened she got sick and I met Noah, but Dad nixed that realeationship b/c of the EBOLA virus and b/c he worked in Mt Sinai’s ER where all kind’s of sick people go.
I realy wanted to date a doctor and he was realy pretty good, and according to Myrna, has LONG TERM FINANCIAL PROSPECTS, meaning that if we got married and had kid’s, I could stay home and not work at all! I wish DAD did NOT nix Noah, but now that Ebola is over, mabye I could stop by and see if he is still interested in me. He is about my age, and he is handsome and is an MD, which is much better then a JD, and I know he think’s Im cute and also that I am very smart — he even said so, which is more then other guys say who ONLEY want me to take my clotheing off so they can ooogle me then have sex with me. FOOEY on those men. Noah NEVER even tried to do anything sexueal with me, but I think I would NOT stop him if he did b/c he is a DOCTOR and is sucessful. Beside’s if he is germ free, we could have children soon! I will ask MYRNA what she think’s and how I should go about aproacheing him. For all I know, he could have moved on, and is dateing another woman. FOOEY! I hope not! Does the HIVE have any idea’s on how I can attract him back at this point? HELP!!! I want expert advise on how to snare an MD!
Helene
[deleted]
Baconpancakes
I caved and bought one last summer, in navy, that looks so adorable when it’s sitting on my bed… and is impossible to carry. The round shape just doesn’t stay on my shoulder, but the strap isn’t long enough to wear crossobdy. Am I doing something wrong?
HR Generalist
Nope – same thing happened to me. I love the bag but it’s so useless. It’s even a pain for grocery shopping because I have to carry a basket AND my purse on the crook of my arm.
Emily
no, you’re just someone who lives in the real world and has to carry stuff places, not just photograph them for your fashion blog.
Baconpancakes
HA! +1
Miss Behaved
Hey, Baconpancakes…
If you send an email to me at BostonCorpor3tt3 at gmail, I’ll invite you to join the fitbit group…
I didn’t check back on Friday until it was too late. Sorry
workingmomz
Snap! Harsh but true.
Wolf Pack
Every time I hear the name of this bag I can’t help but think to myself: “It’s not a purse, it’s a SATCHEL”
L in DC
Yup, I don’t get them at ALL.
Anon
I just started a new job. Is there a minimum amount of time that I must wait before TTC my second child? In some ways, I don’t want my career to dictate my family plan, but I also don’t want to jeopardize my future at this new company. I plan to stay at this company for many years to come.
AIMS
3 months? I don’t think you should overthink this other than to the extent that it affects your benefits. If you happen to conceive right away, you’d still be there close to a year before you take leave. A friend of mine started a new job and then found out she was pregnant the next month (not trying). It’s not an optimal scenario but life happens and the company made it work. I think if you’re at a place where you won’t be eligible for certain benefits if you haven’t been there a while, that’s something to consider but that’s really no different from the overall “is now a good time” analysis.
Lyssa
I think that there was a post on this a pretty long while back, so you might look for that. IIRC, Kat suggested working 2 years, which I thought was a little extreme. I’ve actually been in this situation twice now (having started a job around the same time I was considering TTC twice, that is.) In both cases, I decided that 1 year to start TTC was probably plenty; enough time that you’re probably comfortable and no longer thought of as “new.” Actual demands and culture of the job may play some role as well.
In both cases for me, I was at smallish firms that have been relatively family friendly, and have not seen any suggestion that pregnancy has negatively impacted my career there (though I took fairly limited time off the first time and plan to do that again). I think that if you’re seeking to have an extended time off, or think that you might want to come back at reduced hours or something like that, it might be better to build up a little more credibility first.
And hey, good luck with your new job and family planning!
Lyssa
Here’s the post: https://corporette.com/2011/07/18/open-thread-when-is-the-best-time-to-get-pregnant/ It looks like it was before Kat even had her first, which is interesting. I think that she raises a good point about how many women have a hard time with their first trimester (I didn’t really, but YMMV), so you probably want to build enough credibility that they won’t think that you’re a flake if you suddenly slow down for a while, particularly considering that you’re probably not going to want to broadcast why at that point.
I’m really intrigued to go back and read my comments on that post, which was when I was just starting to plan to TTC my first. It’s really gratifying to see my commentary on planning to try to have a stay at home spouse, and now knowing that I have one. :)
Killer Kitten Heels
To the extent that FMLA protections might be necessary, I believe there’s a minimum length of time you have to have been working for your employer to be FMLA-eligible, so you might want to look into that before making your decision. Since it’s your second, you’ve probably got a decent idea of how a pregnancy would go, but at the same time, if something comes up and you end up needing more leave than expected/more leave than you’re eligible for under your company’s sick leave policy, I’d think you’d want the (admittedly minimal and inadequate but better than zero) protections that FMLA offers.
Anonymous
I’m at a large law firm & I don’t think anyone* would think of less of an associate who got pregnant soon after joining, so long as they’d been employed a full year before they went out on leave (so…3 months before you TTC, because you might get pregnant ASAP?) Really though, you have to do what works for you and your family and if you’re older or for some other reason worried about your ability to conceive, I’d just go for it now. You can always get a new job, you can’t get back the time you waited to TTC, if it ends up taking you a long time.
*Of course some people will think less of an associate for getting pregnant no matter what. But I mean nobody would be worried about the timing if there were a full year between joining and the leave.
WestCoast Lawyer
I started trying after 4-5 months. I figured that way even if for some reason I delivered early I would still have been there for 12 months and be eligible for FMLA benefits. It also means you will have been there for at least 6 months before you are likely to have to tell anyone you are pregnant.
Anon
The only time I’ve ever heard of people being up in arms about the timing of a pregnancy was when an associate started first year pregnant and admitted she had planned it that way. She took her mat leave and promptly found a new job though – not sure if she knew she was a gonner or if she had simply planned it that way all along. But beyond that, I’d say make sure you can really learn/do your new job before you go on mat leave. You don’t want to come back to a learning curve after leave.
ace
I started at a new firm with biglaw maternity leave perks in a small group between kiddos #1 and 2. What I decided was I didn’t want to have to tell my new boss that I was pregnant until I’d been at the firm a year. That actually worked out really well as that gave me most of a year of non-pregnant work to build a good track record, and he responded really well when I told him at ~3.5 mos pregnant/14 mos of work experience in.
YMMV – for me it worked as I didn’t want to have my kids any closer than I did, I didn’t anticipate having/ultimately didn’t have any trouble getting pregnant, and didn’t have any concerns about waiting a little longer.
Anonymity
I waited 4 months and got pregnant on the very first try. Also a no2 pregnancy. I would have loved to wait longer so I could have been at the new job (biglaw, midlevel assoc), but I just didn’t want my children to be that more than 3 yrs apart in age. And my DH was so desperate to have another child that it was really straining things for us for me to keep pushing it off. And who knew it wouldn’t take any time at all to get pregnant?
anon
I accidentally got pregnant with #2 after I’d been at a new firm for 2 weeks. I told them at 16 weeks and I felt really sheepish but they were so happy for me and cool about it (and gave me the full leave even though I hadn’t been there a year yet), which was a huge, huge relief. Luckily I felt good the whole time and had no problem with the schedule/hours, so that maybe helped.
If that hadn’t happened I probably would have waited until 6 months in to TTC.
eshakti anyone
I’m thinking of doing eshakti for a garden party dress. It’s a party I am attending as a guest of a guest. This is not a situation where I need to dress to impress, so I am trying to swing it on the cheap. Has anyone used them? Results?
Pat
I’ve never heard of them but just looked it up based on your post and it seems kind of cool. I would love to hear what others have found when they used it. The dresses are very pretty.
Must be Tuesday
I’ve never used them, but a friend of a friend who dresses well and wears a lot of Boden was very positive about eshakti and has several dresses from there.
2 Cents
I ordered one dress from them so far, and though I haven’t worn it out (light fabric, short sleeves, ordered in January ha!), I love it. It fits perfectly. The color is great.
I used the custom measurements option, and they have additional options, like changing the length, sleeve length, neckline, etc. for some/most dresses. I’m looking to order from them again, since they’re pretty reasonable. Since I ordered a cotton dress, I added a bit of wiggle room in my measurements so it didn’t fit as tightly. For a jersey dress (or anything with real stretch), I’d probably resize back to my “actual” measurements for fit.
Jay Jay
For garden party, probably worth a try. I ordered what I had hoped would be a professional sheath, but the fabric was thin, it was a bit too short (not as pictured). Construction was fine. My second order was way too big, even though I used the custom settings that had fit well the previous time, and return, as I recall, was not cheap. I probably won’t do it again.
Baconpancakes
Do we have a thissite Fitbit group? Would anyone be interested in joining one?
SFLit
I would join one!
CountC
I would join also. That is if I can ever remember to put mine on consistently!!
AMB
I would be interested as well!
Miss Behaved
There is one already. It’s called ‘rettes getting fit!
Baconpancakes
Excellent.
ETA: Can’t find it on the site. Guessing it’s not public? Anyone know how to extend an invite?
MU JD
I couldn’t find it either, but would love to join.
Miss Behaved
Sorry. Forgot to check back. I think I can invite you even though I didn’t start the group
I actually used to run the bostoncorpor3tt3 group so email me at that address plus gmail. Just replace the 3 with the letter e
Parfait
There is one already, I think.
Burgher
Very interested, none of my friends have one and I would love to join a group for motivation!
lucy stone
I made the group public for now – try again to find it!
Sydney Bristow
My fiancé and I are going to Australia in July for our honeymoon and would love any and all recommendations. The itinerary is still being pieced together, but it looks like 2 nights in Sydney then flying to Cairns for about a week then back to Sydney for a few more nights.
On the agenda so far in Sydney is seeing the opera (an actual performance, not just the building) and going to an Australian Rules Football match. Then up near Cairns we are staying at an amazing house right on the beach for a few days and planning to just hunker down there. Then we are thinking about going to Paronella Park, somewhere I can hold koala bears, and going to the Great Barrier Reef for a day.
Anything in either vicinity that we must do? Restaurants? Places to see? Hotel recs in either place? We are planning to use Starwood points for a lot of the hotel nights, so preferences for those would be nice but we are open to staying elsewhere too.
Anonymous
Ayers Rock is not near where you’re going but is super cool if you can swing an extra 2-3 days (maybe go after Cairns instead of spending more time in Sydney?). On the Great Barrier Reef, I definitely recommend diving if you can. I’m a huge snorkeler and have snorkeled all over the world without ever feeling like I was missing out because I wasn’t diving, but the Great Barrier Reef is an exception to that – the waves were huge and it was basically impossible to snorkel. I saw nothing and really wished I had dived instead.
AMB
I loved Ayers Rock and it’s a totally different environment.
From Sydney you should definitely go to the Blue Mountains – you can take the commuter train for cheap or a tour, and you can also go on a wine tour to the Hunter Valley – I went on one that started with a wildlife park to get to pet koalas and kangaroos!
Anonymous
Just to give a different perspective, my mother and I thought the Blue Mountains were a total waste of time. It was about a 90 minute (or 2 hour?) train ride each way to get out there and there is hardly any food in Katoomba. We spent 20 minutes on the sidewalk while I looked up restaurants on Yelp and TripAdvisor and found ONE that was open for lunch. Breakfast was similarly limited (I ate the equivalent of a Little Debbie Cinnamon Roll) and we were pretty starving after the train ride (nothing was open in Sydney before we left) so we weren’t too pleased about that. We literally took the bus to the Three Sisters, saw it, and were ready to go home (it’s like Stonehenge in that respect–look, take a photo, get back on the bus). We ended up going to the tourist trap Scenic World to kill some time the rest of the day and were pretty frustrated that we spent that much time on the train for so little to see. We would’ve much rather spent even just a day in the park in Sydney (where it was sunny and warmer) and read.
Sydney Bristow
We’re pretty set on spending that last couple nights in Sydney to go to the opera and the footie match. We’ve already decided we’ll have to go back to do all the amazing things in the outback. Ayers Rock is definitely on that list.
Thanks for the note on the snorkeling! I actually took scuba lessons but never got certified because I get incredibly claustrophobic while diving. We’ll probably still try to snorkel anyway but at least we’ll have a better idea of what we are getting into.
AMB, thanks for the suggestions! You got to pet kangaroos too? Do you know which wildlife park it was? I’m all about getting to interact with koalas and kangaroos.
AMB
I don’t remember which animal park it was but the tour company was called Kangarrific. I went on my second full day in Australia was SO excited to see the koalas!
anonypotamus
It’s been a few years, but my now husband and I went to australia and spent about 10 days in Cairns. We went to the zoo and were able to pet/feed kangeroos, as well as pet/hold koalas. We were there during the week and it was not crowded at all, plus you got to see all kinds of other cool animals. I also highly recommend snorkeling on the reef – it’s incredible. Have an amazing honeymoon!
Anonymous
We stayed at Sheraton on the Park in Sydney and I think that’s really your best bet out of the Starwoods. The Four Points is in a really touristy area and not that close to anything you would really want to do. The Westin is in a more central location but IIRC from Flyer Talk the reviews on the property itself were not as great. SOTP is in a beautiful location along Hyde Park, the subway station is right there, and if you have a park facing room the view is just gorgeous. The only negative I have on SOTP is that the club lounge is not at all worth it. Happy to expand if it’s something you were going to consider, but otherwise I’ll just say you’ll be more than happy with a regular level room and breakfast at one of the many delicious cafes.
Gelato Messina is the gelato to end all gelatos. Go multiple times.
Sydney Bristow
That’s great info. Thank you! We don’t normally spend for the club level so its good to know it isn’t worth it in case we were tempted this time.
I think one of the properties is under construction, the Westin maybe. I can’t remember off the top of my head. So I think we were leaning towards that Sheraton anyway. Great to hear it was nice.
Gelato Messina noted. We will eat all the gelato!
Anonymous
Yes, there was quite a bit of construction in the Westin area. We went on a wine tour that had Westin guests in the group and getting in and out to pick them up and drop off was pretty time consuming. I can’t say if the construction was noisy since we didn’t stay there, but it was definitely the Westin.
Anon
We spent a day at the Taronga Zoo with a semi-private tour and I loved it. We did more of the see animals in the environment when we were in Melbourne, so I don’t have examples for you on that front, but I thought that was one of the best zoos I had been too.
I also really like Bondi Beach, but that was going with friends who live in the area. We also got tickets to a performance at the Opera House and I liked seeing the inside.
LilyS
+1 for the zoo! I’m not normally big on zoos but it’s great.
There is a cafe on the Quay right by where the ferry goes to the zoo. I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s newsprint everything themed and very cool. It’s also the place I first ever had pink lemonade, 15 years ago.
Oz
What sort of restaurants do you like? There are some great neighbourhoods close to the CBD with good food. I would recommend taking a ferry from Circular Quay to Watsons Bay and then having fish and chips on the beach from Doyles takeaway. If you like museums, the Museum of Contemporary Art is just around from the Opera House and is a great space right on the water. A tour through The Rocks is an excellent snapshot of historic Sydney. The easiest beaches for tourists to get to are Bondi and Manly and both are well worth it. Happy to answer any other questions, I grew up near the centre of Sydney and writing all this makes me miss it!
Sydney Bristow
The ferry and fish and chips sounds perfect. Right up our alley!
We aren’t what I’d call adventurous eaters, but like things like steak, Chinese, Thai, Indian, and Italian food.
Thanks for all the ideas. The Rocks sounds cool. My fiancé loves history so that would be great. Thank you!
Oz
Awesome. Well depending on your plan for the other days, Chinatown (Haymarket suburb) is in the central business district and if you do go, I’d encourage you to try some of the little noodle shops (look shady but well regulated and wonderful) in the Thomas St shopping complexes. If you have time and want to venture further afield, ask the front desk for directions to the King St (artsy/boho historically but now a bit gentrified) neighbourhood for Thai or Leichhardt neighbourhood (Little Italy) for Italian – both a 20min cab/bus from the CBD.
I forgot to mention that I think the best view of Sydney is with a glass of bubbles at the Opera Bar looking out of the Harbour Bridge so consider checking it out after the show.
Have a fantastic time!
Sydney Bristow
Thank you so much!
kle
Hi!
I’m from Australia so thought I would give you some ideas…
If you are flying to Cairns the best thing you could do is hire a car and drive up to Port Douglas. It’s about an hour drive (and I am sure there are buses as well). You should definitely stay there instead of Cairns. It is so amazingly beautiful. That is also the best place to go out to the Great Barrier Reef. I have done a few of the tours and the best ones are the smaller ones, more personal and they can take you to more than one spot. July is a great time because the water will be warm still but you won’t need stinger suits.
If you hire a car you can also drive up to Cape Tribulation which is the most North you can go that way. It is absolutely beautiful. Such a stunning part of Australia.
If you are thinking of going back to Sydney for a few days I would highly recommend swapping that for Melbourne. (I live in Melbourne so I’m a bit biased). It’s a great city. You can also go down to the Great Ocean Road which is a fabulous day trip (or stay a night). The 12 Apostles are down there, which is another great wonder of the world.
If you have any questions reply to this and I’m happy to give you an email address.
Sydney Bristow
We’re flying into and out of Sydney so that is why it is book ending our trip. Plus we are Hawthorne Hawks fans and they have a match in Sydney the day before we fly home. Funny story, but our baseball team we like has been awful for a few years and my fiancé stumbled across footie. I picked a team to cheer for the way anyone would and based it on their uniforms. The Hawks reminded me of Harry Potter so we’ve cheered for them ever since and it was a total fluke that we wound up following the team that won it all last year. It made up for baseball! We’ll definitely be coming back to go see the areas we don’t have time to visit and Melbourne is on that list.
We were looking at Port Douglas so it’s great to hear you recommend it. Thanks for the tip on the smaller tour too.
Thanks for all the ideas! There are so many options! It’s a fun problem to have. My email is SydneyBristow3tt3 at gmail (replace the 3s with e’s) if you have any other ideas.
Sydney Bristow
Thank you everyone for your suggestions! Finding a zoo is definitely on the list now. I really appreciate all the ideas!
Anonymous
Do you exercise more for the health benefits or for the looks aspect? And what is your fitness routine, and how does it contribute to your goals?
I’ve been working with a therapist on body image, and I am just wondering what is “average”.
Anon
Your therapist would probably not be happy with you for asking this question. It’s not about what I do (or she does, or he does) – it’s about what works for you.
CountC
+1 I was all set to answer and then I saw the last line. Now I don’t plan to answer because I don’t think it would be helpful in this situation.
Anonymous Poser
+1
But…I will say that I love what my body will do for me– a lot of the things that I ask it to.
I’m not great at yoga–but yoga isn’t about competition.
I’m a slow runner.
I still like what my body will do for me.
I have a habit that I usually explain to a yoga teacher whose class I have not visited before–I laugh when the instructor tells us to do something that I think sounds difficult/I have tried and not been able to do. Just because I do see humor in the situation. And then I do what I can.
If you take classes, do look for teachers who are good about providing options for adaptations for those who cannot do whatever (whether that’s do high-impact motions are certain movements).
CountC
I love this approach.
nutella
Thought the exact same thing. “Normal” being the red flag word.
LilyS
I tell myself that it’s health – but it’s really for looks. BUT when I’m happy with how my body is performing physically, I tend to be how more positive about how it looks, even if it hasn’t visibly changed.
(Oh, and the occasional fantastic run or bike ride makes me fall back in love with it and want to do it even more)
CKB
This is me too. My body image (which is pretty positive to begin with) is better on workout days. I think I look slimmer on days I run than on days I don’t even though I’m sure there is no difference.
I’d say I work out for health (mostly stress relief) and looks both. It’s a combo for me. But I also love seeing what my body can do. I also love being a positive example to my boys of how to be active if you aren’t into team sports. And I’m proud of how well I can keep up with my boys when we are active as a family. Actually, lots of times they are the ones that have to keep up with me. And that’s very different from how I grew up, and I love it!
LilyS
Agreed, the stress relief is huge.
Susie
Though I enjoy the feeling of a sense of accomplishment after a workout, let’s face it if I could have a great body without diet/exercise then aside from the occasional walk/hike with friends I probably wouldn’t.
My usual routine is cardio (primarily running) 5-6 times a week for 60-90+ minutes each time, and a core conditioning class twice a week. In addition to that I do yoga and pilates but currently not regularly, and I ride my horse 5x/week – yes this is a workout especially when I ride with my trainer.
Anonymous
Woah. I don’t mean this to sound snarky, but where the *&@! do you find time for all of that?
Jessie
Wow. I’m impressed by your time management skills.
Do you work out three times a day on some days (cardio + core class + horse back riding)?
How many hours a week do you work if you don’t mind my asking?
I’ve started running four days a week and I’m seriously impressed with myself for being able to do that.
Susie
Well I’m usually in the office about 40 hours/week, but do answer emails and do some work from home in the morning, evening, and weekends too. Luckily my work and horse are each only about 15 minutes from my house, though about 30 mins from each other. I go to the gym on-site at work so no additional commute.
I usually have about 3 riding lessons a week (but can be anywhere from 2-5 depending on the trainer’s schedule, mix of weekend and week days) and these are usually 7-7:45am. I’m a bad person and just change/freshen up before work but don’t shower. The core classes are after work on Tuesday and Thursday, so on these days I usually do the core class followed by an hour of cardio. The non-core class days sometimes I do my cardio at lunch if my schedule allows it (including a quick shower), otherwise after work. If I did cardio M-F then I might just do a yoga tape or walk or hike during the weekend. Sometimes I go for a long run on the weekends. Right now I’m not targeting any races, I’ve done a few ultramarathons which would require a bit of a ramp up in the running.
As you might guess from my schedule, no kids.
Equestrian2
I am really impressed also!! I am a runner (although at half marathon, not ultra distances), do two days of cross training, and I ride my horse at least three times a week (2 lessons) and it’s a large time commitment. I also am fortunate to have a gym on site at my office, work about 40 hours a week, and be able to come into work early and leave early (my barn is 40 minutes from my office/home).
Susie
He makes it all worthwhile! http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-obzIo5spDYw/VSWIh1ydc3I/AAAAAAAAAdI/VNABkoP7p38/s320/20150408_082655.jpg
Sorry to the non-horsey people but I have to talk about my baby. He is a 4 year old thoroughbred, I got him last summer 2 weeks after his last race. He is a pretty mellow guy and has been really easy to work with, it’s so fun to see the progress. We just started jumping earlier this year and hope to start eventing by the end of the year.
2 Cents
He’s gorgeous!
emeralds
What a sweet baby boy! And I’m so impressed with your time management skills, Susie. I do barre classes 4-5 times a week and run 3-4 (managing an injury, ugh), and have tried to think through how I could fit in riding in the event I ever get a personal horse again…and I just can’t make it work in my brain. Props to you to the nth degree.
slowrunner
I exercise for the health benefits. I sleep more deeply, cope with stress better and feel better when I’m active. I run about 12 miles a week – 3 times 4 miles. Honestly, I’m better able to control my weight by watching my diet than increasing my activity.
Killer Kitten Heels
I exercise for the abilities it gives me – like, I don’t exercise because “oh good, now I won’t get heart disease,” or because “oh good, now I might lose weight,” but because I get a huge kick out of knowing what my bench press number is, or how fast I can run a mile/a 5K/etc. I also like the feeling I get when I surprise people with what I can do – I’m short and don’t look like I’m particularly athletic, so it always knocks people for a loop when they see me lift something that I “shouldn’t” be able to lift, or when someone asks what I did last weekend and the answer is “a half-marathon” or something.
Anonymous
I exercise because I love it. I run about 3 days a week, from 6-8 miles on weekdays to anywhere from 14-20 on the weekend run. Other days I do Pilates or barre for strength training. I can’t stand yoga, CrossFit or Bootcamp style classes, just “going to the gym” or cardio for cardio’s sake, so I don’t do it.
BeenThatGuy
I applaud you for working on your body image issues with a therpaist. It’s hard work so hang in there.
As for me, I Crossfit 5 days a week and have 2 active recovery days (walking/power stretch/mobility work). At first it was to manage my weight, but it became my release for everything I was carrying around emotionally (work, family, life stresses). Staying phyiscally healthy keeps me emotionally healthy.
Boston Legal Eagle
I exercise at least 3-4 times a week – always run about 1hr-1.5hrs on the weekend days, and then try to get in a 30-45min run on 1 or 2 weeknights. I’ve also recently started yoga again, so I try to do that once a week or once every other week. I also walk at least 20 minutes a day for my work commute. I’d say it’s mostly for health because I like the energy that exercise gives me and want to avoid preventable illnesses. My weight hasn’t fluctuated too much because of this – I’m usually on the lower end of a 10-lb range when I exercise at these levels and on the higher end when I don’t.
A
I do it because it’s fun. I usually do 1-2 dance cardio classes, 1-2 ballet classes, and 1-2 yoga classes per week. Usually I exercise at least 4 days a week for at least an hour. My goal is mostly fun, but also to improve.
Carrie...
Just to give a counter example….
I don’t exercise. At all. I wish I did – mostly for the mental health/well-being effects. I am fortunate that my weight is ok, and I “look” like I exercise (when my clothes are on……) but I’m sure I am not healthy and know I will need a cholesterol lowering med in my future if I don’t get my act together.
Most of my close friends do not exercise at all. Or they go through brief periods of guilt and may take a class for motivation. They are all highly educated, and many/most work in health care. They are of all body shapes, and surprisingly, most are comfortable with who they are and what they look like. Most work very long hours under high stress, and several struggle with family responsibilities and all but one are sleep deprived. Probably all of us feel guilty.
anonsg
This is me. I don’t exercise, I wish I did, I have access to a gym and it’s close and I should go more often but I don’t… Nowadays I have just been portioning my food so I eat less, but I should exercise.
A couple years ago, I exercised for the “look” – I was trying to tone, etc – and nowadays I always think I should exercise when I think about what I want to look like.. I think it is in part bc clothes don’t fit as well when you gain weight and then you need to up a size, and I think to myself, exercise is free, buying clothes cost money I should probably exercise… haha
Maggie
I started doing better when I lowered my expectations. If I walk around the block after dinner a few nights a week, well, then, YAY ME! I go to the gym at least once a week. Yeah, sometimes I do a little more, but when I stopped thinking I was going to hit the gym four days a week or start walking 2 miles a day, and got realistic, I was able to get some exercise in on the regular.
Anonattorney
When I do exercise, I do it for the health benefits. That’s the only thing that motivates me. I was in my best shape after dealing with some pretty significant anxiety and sleeplessness – I exercised about an hour a day, 5 times a week. It helped control my sleep and stress.
But, unlike a lot of the other posters, I don’t exercise regularly throughout the year. I usually go through spurts, depending on my schedule at work. If things get really busy I tend to cut exercise out. I still try to walk on the weekends, but more for pleasure than specifically for exercise. If I feel like my clothes are getting tight then I’ll try to ramp up my gym schedule and eat a better diet.
I just wanted to weigh in to add a different wrinkle to the “what’s normal” discussion. There are a lot of us who don’t exercise regularly (which is unhealthy, I know), but also have a decent body image.
EDIT: I should note that I do feel guilt about not exercising regularly, but I tie that more to the fact that I’m not as healthy as I should be, instead of to my weight.
August
I had my share of issues with weight. I used to hate working out and used to work out just to maintain my weight. In fact, I used to pity myself for having to workout and be on the strict diet to maintain my weight. When people said don’t focus of weight when you work out, focus on health benefits, focus of how good you feel etc etc, it just didn’t make any sense to me. I was like “Yeah right..I would stop exercising in a heart beat if I could magically lose the weight and maintain it without working out”. The only workout I enjoyed was walking outside which really doesn’t do much in terms of weight loss.It was impossible for me to stick with a workout routine or diet because I felt I was being punished for bring overweight when working out and perpetually hungry and irritated being on diet. So every year, I lost 20 Lbs, gained 20 Lbs. I also have hypothyroidism which doesn’t help.
Somehow, one fine day, I woke up and felt that I shouldn’t focus on my weight. I just stopped beating myself for being overweight and treated myself with more compassion. I wanted to truly enjoy my life and not hate myself. I decided being hungry, eating food that I don’t like to be on a diet or not eating food that I like was not an option. I didn’t want to do the workouts which I hated. I learnt making lot of soups, switched up protein in my food which reduced the carbohydrate intake and also helped me feeling satiated. I am still learning to make salads. I eat a 100 calorie dessert every day which is usually a piece of dark chocolate because I like it a lot. Every meal is like a gourmet meal and I enjoy eating now. I just walk outside for 30 – 45 mins at 15 min/ per mile around 5 days a week as it is the activity that generally physicians prescribe for heart health and moreover I always enjoyed it.
I feel much better about myself now. I have lost around 10 Lbs over a 9 months now. It is extremely slow but at least I have not felt miserable during these nine months. I hope to reduce another 5 Lbs but I am in no hurry. I want to let it happen at it’s own pace or if it doesn’t happen, I just want to come to terms with the fact that I will always be 10 Lbs overweight .
Anon
August – your second to last paragraph (“Somehow…”) is pretty much the definition of a healthy body/healthy mind. Brava!
Anon too
August, this is brilliant! I wholeheartedly +1 the “Brava!”
2 Cents
I feel like you, August, except i haven’t quite gotten to the “somehow” paragraph — or I did, but then I lost it. I’ve been on a health journey for the last 18 months — 50 pounds just fell off, then I’ve been on a plateau, stagnating ever since. I hate sweating, my mind can’t get over the “ugh, now we have to go do THIS [exercise]” annoyance, and I’ve a master at self-sabotage. Hearing that you’ve made peace with “just” walking 5 days a week is very encouraging. I have feet and shoes…
emeralds
Please find the form of moving your body that feels good to said body and also to your soul! Walking is great especially now that the weather’s nice. I hate the idea that exercise should be a chore; it should be a lovely thing that you can do for yourself, your body, and your health. That means finding the routine that works *for you*, not for reaching some goddamned ridiculous external metric of what exercise “should” be like.
new anon
This is great advice, and I’ll also specifically say that sometimes the exercise you like can change. For years I loved spinning; now, I’m not so crazy about it and am doing more TRX classes. Your tastes change in other areas of your life, why not in exercise too?
Anonymous Associate
I exercise for health and enjoyment. I would go insane without exercise I love being active, especially things that get me outside (cyling, running). I do 2-3 times during the work week (sometimes less if I am slammed at work)), and usually both days on the weekend with one being a long outing (like a 60 mi bike ride). Any looks benefits are added bonuses.
roses
I exercise for both the health benefits and because it makes me feel great. I’ve struggled with body image issues before too, but exercise has made me get past a lot of it. When I can run faster or longer than I could before, or lift heavier weights, or do a new pose in yoga, I feel really great about myself no matter how much I weigh.
Zelda
All of the above! I do it for health, looks and fun. I started ClassPass at the beginning of the year and it has changed my life! I work out 4-5 days a week doing a varity of classes, including spinning, rowing and yoga. The key difference from previous workouts is that they’re fun and convenient. Even when I don’t want to go to the work out before, I feel good when I’m there and even better afterwards. I totally agree with everyone who says that finding the exercise that works for you makes a huge difference. Just doing something like the elliptical always felt like a a chore, before, during and after.
It definitely helps me look “better”, but if I really wanted to look “better” I would focus more on what I eat. I do eat pretty healthy, but it’s in moderation. I would have to be fairly strict in order to lose significant weight. I’ve had a healthy body image for most of life, so I don’t feel like I “need” to lose weight. I’ve always been pretty healthy, even before I started working out regularly, but I know I that in the long term I probably wouldn’t stay that way if I continued to be sedentary. I also enjoy the changes in what my body can do, feeling stronger and working harder than when I started.
Anonattorney
The WEATHER! It’s so ridiculously nice where I am right now. I’m looking at 75 degrees all weekend – not a cloud in the sky. I really don’t want to be at work right now.
CM
Agh, jealous. We have the temps, but its rainy almost all weekend. :(
I love this time of the year though – prime camping and patio season.
Killer Kitten Heels
Wrong place.
Anonymous
I have so HAD IT with my job today. I spent hours putting together a silly application for an award for a pro bono case on the request of the partner. I consulted extensively with our pro bono co-counsel who did two revisions of the application. When I sent the form by email today, he comes barging into my office — while I’m on the phone — to criticize me for sending it in without letting our co-counsel edit it. I explain to him that I did work with co-counsel, I just didn’t copy him on those emails. He then criticizes me for leaving off a lawyer from our firm who did 30 hours of research on the case.
This is the same partner who (1) told me that I was wrong to correct his mispronunciation of my first name in front of an interview candidate, because that would make it look like we’re not friendly here and (2) decided I should have constructive feedback on an informal internal lunch presentation that I did (the type of lunch presentation NO ONE ever gives ANY feedback on besides “great topic, that was really interesting”).
I’m not going to make partner here, and right now I hate everyone. But I don’t have another job lined up and I don’t want to leave without one, even though I could totally afford to do so. Blargh.
la vie en bleu
I will just add a RAWR on your behalf. :o( Sorry your day s*cks, hope you have a good weekend to make up for it.
Walnut
You need wine and cookies tonight. Hopefully it’s just a crummy few days and not a crummy four out of five days every week situation.
Anonymous Associate
Not all law firms and partners are like this. Putting effort into your job search will likely make you feel better and you can escape!
Anonymous (original)
Thanks ladies! I’m off to book club after work, where there will be wine AND cheese AND sweets. And a dog to cuddle with.
Emily
TGIF. I think our friend Shots Shots Shots will help. :o)
Time to dust off the resume this weekend? In the meantime, all of that is irrational, you seem to have a healthy sense of normal so brush off to irrationality?
la vie en bleu
I am having the hardest time finding black ankle boots or boots slightly higher than ankle boots right now. That are almost flat heels, or very low, good for lots of walking, and NOT chelsea boots. I usually find a few options on DSW and Amazon when I am buying shoes, but I am not finding anything right now. Is there something I’m missing or somewhere I should be looking? Or is it just the change of seasons and I’m scr3wed?
LilyS
I think it’s a change of seasons thing.
That said, I found a couple of options on the Clarks site – the Phenia Carnaby (very casual though) and the Langdon Place.
anonypotamus
I love the Sam Edelman “Petty” boot and it seems to meet all your criteria. I find it very comfortable for walking and it comes in black suede, and maybe black leather.
emeralds
Was just about to recommend these guys! I have the black leather ones and love them.
la vie en bleu
Yeah, my problem is literally everyone is wearing those, esp here in SF, and I just can’t be that conformist. Plus, I really want a higher shaft, those are so low.
I waited way too long to look for new shoes and now all of my black shoes are falling apart at the same time and now that it’s out of season it looks like I’m just scr3wed.. sigh, let this be a lesson, kids!
spring shoe?
Check out 6pm. They often will have things from the prior season on deep discount.
Anon99
I just got the Earth ‘Atlas’ from Zappos and they are super comfy. They feel like they have less of a heel than they do (which is still only about 1.5 inches).
la vie en bleu
these look great, I’ll check them out. Thanks!
Anonforthis
I have a question for those who may have some law enforcement knowledge. My extended family is messed up. A close family member is married to a convicted pedophile. He’s horrible and a predatory type in general – not just toward children. He’ll exploit anyone he can for whatever he can get out of them. Family member is out of touch with reality and will not leave.
So, right before Christmas, the FBI (with a team of 12 or so) showed up at their home with a search warrant and confiscated a bunch of computers and related electronics. Several family members were there. The FBI agents interviewed them all separately and revealed pedophile is being investigated for child porn. No doubt he did this. My question is how long do these investigations take? I would really like to see this guy in prison (again) ASAP to get him away from several vulnerable family members (not to mention the benefit to society in general). I’m feeling really impatient wondering constantly when/if he’ll be arrested.
Any insight anyone can offer would be very much appreciated.
JJ
Not an expert by any means, but I would assume several months for investigation, a few months for building a case, and then potentially presenting to a grand jury (as child porn charges will likely rise high enough for that).
Anonforthis
To clarify, I think the accusation is he’s buying/viewing it, not making it.
Anon in NYC
I am not an expert, but it takes a while to build a case. The FBI might be trying to negotiate with other individuals to build a stronger case against the ringleaders. That would probably involve multiple interview sessions with these other individuals (among other things), which could take months. If this relative is relatively low on the food chain he might be in limbo for a while.
Alli
It depends what jurisdiction you are in and whether the investigation goes state or federal. Since the warrant was FBI, it is at least being considered for federal prosecution. I can’t speak to how long a state case would take, but I know a federal case does not have a firm timeline, unfortunately. The AUSA may decide to indict but will probably have to wait until the investigators and examiners are finished with the case. Sometimes the forensic examination of the computer can take a month, sometimes it can take a year or more, depending on how backlogged the examiners are.
However– once he is indicted, if he is charged federally, he will immediately face the question of detention. The Adam Walsh Act requires, at the very least, electronic home monitoring for these defendants, as soon as they are arraigned. Judges are different and some will put the defenant in jail for detention immediately based on the crime alleged, while some will let them out on electronic monitoring. Either way, he will be subject to the supervision of the probation office, which is helpful if you are concerned about his ability to take advantage of your family members.
Do you know if he has any criminal history? That will affect whether or not he is detained. If he is convicted of possessing CP, there is no mandatory minimum and a maximum of 20 years. It will depend on how many images he had and how horrendous they were. If it’s receipt or distribution (this means downloading them online or sending them to others online), minimum five years. If it’s production (if he created the images or took the photos/vids himself), minimum 15 years.
Anonforthis
Yes, he has a child molestation conviction, about 15 years old. I believe it’s receipt rather than production. Thanks so much for responding. This is really helpful to know.
Alli
Many judges draw a line between hands-on offenders and non-hands-on, even if the hands-on offense is old. That child molestation conviction should be very helpful in getting him detained. Also, it seems like that would require him to register as a sex offender. You might check and see if his registration is current– should be able to do this at your local police or sherrif’s department. If he hasn’t been registering, you could report him. That would be a separate crime, and he might get convicted of that more quickly; it would also bolster the child pornography case.
Alli
Many judges draw a line between hands-on offenders and non-hands on, regardless of how old the hands-on offense is. That will help get him detained. Also, the child molestation conviction sounds like he should have to register as a sex offender. You might check and see if his registration is current– you should be able to do that through your local police or sherrif’s department. If he hasn’t been registering, that’s a separate crime. He could get convicted of that sooner, and/or it could bolster the child pornography case.
Snickety
Do you know if he is still on supervision, ie probation or parole, from the prior offense? There are often long periods of supervision for sex offenses. If he is, he could be revoked and returned to custody or just put into custody on a “hold” while the investigation proceeds.
another home buying question
So I have some money saved and have always generally ear-marked that money for a down payment but have not researched it or home-buying seriously at all. What concrete next steps should I take?
Brant
Do you know vaguely where you want to buy this home? Do you know if you want a condo or a single family? if not, start thinking about those things. Then call up a few realtors and talk to ones that have lots of experience with first time homebuyers. They’ll hold your hand a bit, tell you about the process.
Also, in parallel or as a pre-realtor step, just start going to open houses in various areas. You may even strike up a convo with the realtors there (even if you hate the house) that could help educate you.
And keep an eye on interest rates.
Must be Tuesday
Talk with a mortgage broker or someone at a bank to get an understanding of your financial situation, what you can afford, and what numbers you should be looking at (income, debt, assets, debt-to-income ratio, credit score) to determine what you can qualify for and if there’s anything you can do to improve your situation before you become serious about buying.
Look at your budget and determine what you want to spend, which may be less than the size mortgage you qualify for. Don’t forget to take into account the monthly costs of real estate taxes, homeowners insurance, and assessments/hoa fees if applicable. A lot of online mortgage calculators will estimate those expenses for you, and then you can adjust them as you have more specific information.
Start browsing listings in your local paper online (or use a site like homefinder) to see what types are things are available. What’s available in your price range? What is the price range for the type of property you want? What are common and uncommon features in your market? Go to open houses to get an idea of what’s available. Chat with the agent there. Most realtors hold open houses to meet potential future clients. Open houses are usually noted in real estate listings online. Also, if you walk around your desired neighborhood on a Saturday morning/early afternoon, you are likely to see signs for open houses.
Senior Attorney
Start looking at Realtor.com or zillow.com to get a feel for what’s out there in your target area. Go to open houses and chat with the agents. If you know how big your mortgage will be, start banking the difference between the payment (including taxes and insurance) so you’ll be used to the cash flow aspect and also build up a cash cushion for startup costs after you close.
HR Generalist
Go see a mortgage broker! We saw ours before we even had our down payment ready and he really steered us in the right direction and gave us a reasonable budget based on our income. Next step: real estate agent!
padi
This x 10. My mortgage broker is awesome. Because they see so many deals, they often have a better view of the market then real estate agents.
Plus, a good mortgage broker knows who the good agents are. My recent purchase would not have come together without the two of them working so hard.
If you are in the Bay Area, I highly recommend Ross Huffman at iMortgage. He really got the ball rolling in my search by introducing me to my real estate agent and drove to close the deal within 3 weeks of when my offer was accepted!
Lorelai Gilmore
I really like Redfin. If it’s in your area, it is a great way to get a sense of what’s going on. One hint: set your filters to look at sale prices, not list prices.
Anonymous
As your immediate next step, I would think about where you are in your life and where you see yourself in the next 5-10 years. Same city? Same neighborhood (or at least type of neighborhood)? Dogs? Kids? A boat? If you don’t really know where those years could take you, it may be wise to hold off on buying–just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you have to take the plunge just yet. Everyone else covered what to do if you do sketch out your plan and decide you’re ready to buy in a general area, so I won’t repeat that. Congrats on having a great nest egg!
Spades
I’ve been trying to get a secondment in Europe for months and it looks like things are finally moving as I have been asked to email a senior person (who might interview me in the future) explaining why I want to work there. I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on what you would like to see if you were reading such an email and what mistakes I should avoid. Since I am fairly junior in the organisation, I’m very conscious that I need to strike the right tone in order to get the interview. Can I mention that I have lived in different places and won’t find it difficult to adjust or would this info be completely irrelevant to a hiring manager?
HR Generalist
I would mention your commitment to the organization and how closely aligned your values are with their mission/mandate. I would add that it’s an organization you want to grow with and see this as an amazing opportunity for the next step in your journey. I’m making this sound a little romantic but you get the idea.
And then go through some reasons why you would succeed in the role. You could mention that you’re great at adapting to change and have moved with ease in the past.
ss
You need to put yourself in the shoes of the manager and make a case for why the organization benefits from considering you for the spot, rather than focussing on why it would be good for your development to have this posting. If you need to read up or call around to understand more about the specific focus and needs of that office, then definitely do that first.
If it is the case that the alternative candidates are locals for whom adjustment to a new country would be a non-issue, then yes it would be a mistake to mention your adaptability unless asked. If you have relevant experience in the field in various countries, that’s a different matter and you should definitely work it in as part of how you can make a unique contribution vs. a vanilla candidate.
Canada job offer
I think I might get an offer for a contract academic research position (postdoc) I interviewed for this week. I had posted about this here a few days ago. For those that provided the links on health insurance, many thanks. Not 100% sure but I just got an email update from the hiring professor saying that she is waiting on all feedback from references and would get back to me “early next week”. At the moment I don’t have any other offers but I still wonder whether it would be odd to ask for a few days to consider the offer before accepting. I would also appreciate advice about negotiating the terms–the salary range is low and there isn’t much room for negotiation. But there could be for other things e.g. moving expenses (from New England to Nova Scotia–don’t even know what the costs would be), also vacation time–in the past I have been unable to see my family who live overseas. Also if there is a gap between when I start working and when provincial health insurance kicks in, would it be unreasonable to ask them to pay for some other coverage? I recall one poster saying that she covered the three month gap for a nanny from overseas. Thanks in advance.
Anna
So my experience is all at American universities, and may or may not apply to Canada. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for a few days consider, but postdocs are usually covered under standard contracts and there’s not much room to negotiate. You could ask carefully about moving expenses, but don’t be surprised if they can’t do it, and I’d be surprised if they could pay for health insurance (unless this is a standard issue there, then it might be more normal). And again, Canada may be different when it comes to vacation, but many US universities don’t give any official vacation time to postdocs, it’s just something to negotiate with the PI as it comes up. Labs with many international postdocs are usually familiar with the need to travel overseas occasionally, as long as you’re putting in enough time otherwise and it’s scheduled well.
Anonymous
+1
Also speaking from knowledge of post-docs in the sciences in the US, but you just don’t negotiate in these positions. At least in the US the salaries have increased substantially over the past 2 decades. This is not industry though…… Be very careful to not come off as entitled/arrogant, as I know many a PI that might be put off for you asking for more than others in your position. The only exception would be is you come in with your own fellowship $, but I would still tred lightly.
I would not ask for $ to cover your health care before you start working….
Reasonable to ask about vacation and determine the flexibility, funds available for conferences, and if there is a moving “stipend”. But I would not negotiate for these per se, but simply ask.
Sorry, but that’s academia at your stage.
I would focus on applying for your own $$ as soon as possible, as this is one way some increase their salary and improve their job prospects/CV.
above anon
Oops…. I actually would ask about health insurance coverage if there is a potential ?gap before you will get coverage once you start working. There must be a standard way PIs deal with this, and this is a reasonable request.
LC
Sorry for posting here rather than the moms’ board, but I’m hoping for a little more Friday-afternoon traffic . . . .
I’m 16 weeks pregnant and feeling totally overwhelmed by anxiety about the health of the baby. I spent the entire first trimester consumed with worry about miscarriage. Now I’m obsessed with worry that there is something wrong, or will be something wrong, with the baby. I keep telling myself I’ll feel better after the “next” test, or ultrasound, or heartbeat check, or whatever — but I never do, and I keep finding some new thing to obsess over. Sometimes I find myself googling various chromosomal disorders and driving myself crazy with fear that my baby has one of them.
I’m afraid this isn’t normal, but I’m not sure what to do. It took me and DH a while (and various medical interventions) to get pregnant, and I think some of this anxiety stems from that. I also had a death in my immediate family literally days before I found out I was preg, which I also think is contributing. But I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this. I want so badly to enjoy my pregnancy and be excited, and so far it hasn’t happened for me that way. Anyone else ever experienced this?
k
Get thee to therapy
BeenThatGuy
+1 This is not normal pregnancy anxiety. Good luck.
CMC
Agreed, please give therapy a shot! It was helped me with anxiety immensely.
Walnut
Is there anything else you can try to refocus your thoughts on? I’m in a similar place term-wise, though am not having the type of anxiety you are. What I am doing is planning extensively and spreadsheeting everything I can think of. I’m currently focused on researching daycare and in the early stages of getting a baby room in order (though not buying anything baby-specific yet, just rugs, paint, etc.).
Anonattorney
I was sort of like you, maybe not quite as anxious. I do think it gets better after the anatomy scan, which is at 20 weeks. You also should have done your chromosomal tests by now, so that hopefully alleviated some of the stress.
One of the things that made me anxious in the first 20 weeks was just not having any idea about what the baby was doing. Now that I’m nearly 30 weeks, I feel him every day, many times a day. That has really calmed down my stress. I don’t think the anxiety will totally go away, but once your belly starts getting much bigger and the baby starts moving, and you’re generally just closer to your due date, there’s so many more positive things to think about that it starts to drown out the crazy anxious thoughts.
If you think it’s more serious anxiety than that, I would talk to your doc – both your OB and your general practitioner. They can prescribe anti-anxiety medications during pregnancy.
kc esq
Talk to your doctor as soon as possible. He/she should know about your anxiety. It is part of your medical condition, even if it doesn’t rise to a level to require medication.
Also, you didn’t mention this, and I’m sure this is me projecting, but I advise against going to a genetic counselor to try to allay your fears about the disorders you are googling — mine spent the whole session fearmongering about very, very rare syndromes that we had no specific reason to be concerned about.
Anon in NYC
OP – I agree that you need to talk to your doctor. #1 – they should know about the anxiety, and #2 – some of the things you mention sound (to me) to go beyond normal anxiety. I had high levels of generalized anxiety up until about 30 weeks – this was completely unlike me pre-preg. I talked to my doctor about it and she offered to refer me to a therapist. At the very least, a session or two with a therapist will help you clarify whether this is hormones or something more serious.
roses
Please listen to the episode of the podcast “The Longest Shortest Time” titled “When Are You Gonna Be Normal Again?” and then get yourself to therapy. You don’t have to suffer with this anxiety.
LondonLeisureYear
I was just going to write this comment! I love this podcast and completely agree!
Brant
I got the genetic test at 12 weeks. Came back fine and a huge weight was lifted. Of course…lots of other things could go wrong but a few of the big scary things were rules out.
POSITA
Anxiety during pregnancy is linked to post party depression and anxiety. Talk seriously with your OB. It’s hormonal and needs to be monitored and addressed. Everyone worries about their baby to some extent, but you sound distressed.
Former Biglaw
Part of what you may be dealing with is grief over the loss of your loved one. After I lost my dad, and again after I lost my FIL, I had a sense of doom and dread about everything. I was very fearful of loved ones having accidents. I hated if the phone rang at an odd time because I was sure it was terrible news coming.
I also had a very hard time getting pregnant. And, as a result, I would get very anxious if I couldn’t feel the baby move as I’d assume the worst. (I also miscarried one of my twins early in the pregnancy though which added a whole different level of anxiety).
I don’t know if this is “normal” for grieving or not. But what you’re going thru is not typical pregnancy jitters. I’d definitely tell your doctor about these things and line up a therapist. You’d be much better served to address these things now and have care in place than deal with this all after the baby is born when you might possibly have PPD too.
And Googling all the possible things that could possibly go wrong is likely only making things worse…not better. You might want to consider a Webmd ban for a while.
spring shoe?
Could you help me find my staple spring shoe, that I’ll be throwing on every weekend when I’m away from work? I tend to like to always have a bit of height in my shoes and be stylish yet comfortable. Nothing open toed. Ideal would be something that could work in day and night.
My favorite is a suede wedge mule that is very comfortable and goes with everything… but I’ve worn my pair into the ground and can’t find a replacement. My favorite comfort clothes on weekend are leggings + tunic tops or skinny jeans + T-shirts layered with interesting cardigans/drape-y light coats.
Thanks!
A
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/gentle-souls-gigi-leather-flat-women/3851519
These are what I want for my new summer shoes, but I can’t bring myself to pay that much for ballet flats.
tesyaa
They do look comfortable but they are ridiculously expensive!
AIMS
FWIW, the Gentle Souls shoes I have have lasted years. And you can usually find them on sale if you look around. e.g., http://www.6pm.com/gentle-souls-gigi-copper-metallic-suede
spring shoe?
Cute, but a little flat for me. And pricey!
AIMS
What about a nice espadrille? Very comfy and very in right now. If you like suede: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/toni-pons-lloret-5-espadrille-wedge-sandal-women/3969812?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=TAUPE&resultback=1350
Lots of other higher/lower heel/price options, too.
spring shoe?
This is great! Not the cheap espadrille of my college days that fell apart in a month. Still a little more casual than I was thinking, but actually I think I will get the taupe. Great find.
Duchess of Cambridge
http://www.dunelondon.com/en-us/imperia-simple-slingback-espadrille-wedge-0433505900001010/
spring shoe?
And there’s the black… I do like. Many thanks.
Wedding Guest Dress?
Do you think this dress has too much white/ivory to wear to a wedding?
http://www.dillards.com/product/_301_-1_301_504966731?cm_mmc=Email-_-Status_V2-_-Body-_-MerchImage
Anon
This dress is totally fine for a wedding. White/ivory/cream backgrounds are fine – you only run into trouble when there aren’t really other colors and someone could mistake you for the bride (not the case here). Pretty dress!
tesyaa
Are we looking at the same dress? The one I see has a colorful print on a cream background.
Anon
Tesyaa, were you asking me? If so, then yes – the dress I saw when I clicked on the link was a floral print on a cream background. No question that the background is cream, but also no way anyone is going to mistake her for the bride. I think the dress is perfectly fine.
tesyaa
Oh, I misread your comment. We’re in agreement!
BeenThatGuy
It’s lovely and appropriate
Susie
I’m usually pretty conservative about this kind of thing, but I’d say that’s okay. It’s actually pretty bright and not reminiscent of a wedding gown!
Anon2
I’m usually say if you have to ask, don’t wear it, but I actually think it’s totally fine!
la vie en bleu
I think floral is pretty much always good for a guest, even if the background is white/cream.
Must be Tuesday
Agreed.
anonymous
Are corduroy pants too casual to wear in a business casual office? Men mostly wear slacks, a button down and a tie, although slightly more casual on Fridays.
Lyssa
I’d say that corduroys are the basic equivalent of jeans. So, it would be OK if jeans are, and the same basic rules about neatness and fit would apply.
Must be Tuesday
I agree that cords = jeans when determining level of formality for work.
Anon
+2
tesyaa
I am of the opinion that corduroy is never, ever office wear. Granted, I have foolishly worn a pink corduroy skirt to work, but I wouldn’t do it again.
Apples
I think you can wear them wherever you wear jeans, UNLESS they make that swishy sound when you walk! I find that annoying, especially at work.
Senior Attorney
Argh. I am afraid my parents are starting the long downhill slide towards the end. Mom is 91 and dad is going to be 89 next week, and they both ended up in the hospital this week. One or both of them have been hospitalized several times in the past few months and I think we are now officially careening from crisis to crisis, which is particularly tough because they live an hour away. I am going to spend the weekend with them and I fear it’s time to talk about them giving up their condo and moving to an assisted living facility in my town.
I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed by all of it, especially in light of the fact that it’s recently come to light that their finances aren’t in as good shape as I’d thought.
If any of you have been through this, do you have any advice or words of wisdom for me?
tesyaa
Nothing to add but commiseration. My 80-year old mother has had a relatively minor (though high-maintenance) health crisis this year, and my 91-year old father has been holding down the fort. I live closer to them than you do, but I still have young kids at home, including one with special needs who needs constant supervision. I keep reminding myself that it could be worse (in that my mother should eventually make a full recovery), and that we’re lucky that they have not had major stuff up till now.
I would love for my parents to give up their single-family, two-story home with no bath or bedroom on the first floor, but they’re totally unrealistic about that.
ITDS
Check the AARP website for resources and strategies for this stage of life.
Wildkitten
This.
Clementine
Consider talking to/consulting with a Geriatric Social worker or Geriatric Case Manager. If your parents have a Medicare Advantage plan, they might already have a Case Manager who you should speak with as well. Also, make sure that they have a good estate plan in place now and that their long-term wishes are very clearly documented.
I will stress that there have been some well documented issues wherein Assisted Living facilities hold themselves out as Nursing Homes. There is a big, giant, huge difference between them. Make sure you’re very clear as to what any potential facility will/may be providing.
Self Care! Caretaking is unbelievably draining. Make sure you nurture yourself.
Brunette Elle Woods
If not done so already and they still have legal capacity, get them both to a qualified attorney for a Will, Power of Attorney and Living Will. See if that attorney has any recommendations for an assisted living facility and begin to investigate their finances ASAP. Don’t go to just any attorney who does a Will. Make sure they are qualified and have hopefully been certified by some organization. Check out NAELA dot org. National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys.
Flower
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have watched my parents handle it with my grandparents, and that helped us bring up a lot of discussions about their end-of-life choices and how to approach/frame certain conversations. I think the more frank you can be about some of these things, the better it will turn out in the end. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you, but I wish you the best.
Meg Murry
Does the assisted living facility also have skilled nursing? At those ages, not to be a downer/morbid, but skilled nursing may be a necessity sooner rather than later – it is much easier on both of them to move to a community that provides both, rather than move them once and then one/ both of them have to move again to a different facility (instead of just to a different building in the same facility).
It’s often hard to get older adults to even go look at places, so you may want to do some pre-screening yourself with some of the admissions/sales/marketing team so you don’t take them to tour somewhere that would be a big NO WAY, as they may dig in their heels if they have a bad experience.
Do they have friends that have moved to assisted living? Would they be better off moving to a place where they know people or where their current friends can visit, even if it means a 1 hour drive for you? Giving up condo + giving up their town and friends might be a bigger hurdle than just giving up condo.
Diana Barry
+1. Went through this with grandparents and moving twice was NOT EASY when my grandma’s dementia had advanced and she was very against anything unfamiliar.
Also, 1 hr is not bad. My parents had to do the first move with my grandma from halfway across the country (up a full coast).
Anon
I’ve been there. If you haven’t had a conversation with your parents about their wishes, I can understand and sympathize with your anxiety. It can be overwhelming. Something that might help: there was a piece on npr a short while ago (link below) about discussing end of life care. This might help frame the conversation.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/03/29/394087394/videos-on-end-of-life-choices-ease-tough-conversation
OfCounsel
I second the recommendation to get a geriatric case manager or social worker involved. Their doctor might be able to give you a referral. We went through this with my grandmother and it was much easier to get her to take advice from a professional than from her children/grandchildren. If they have friends or community connections where they are now, they are very likely better off there than moving.
Also – unless they are incompetent – keep clearly in mind that you can urge, you can recommend, you can put limits on how much support you can personally offer. You cannot make them do anything they do not want to do. My other grandmother is in her 90’s, can hardly walk and falls often. She should really not be living alone or in her current remote location – but she is adamant that she is not moving. We might not like it; but she can afford to hire people to do the bare minimum that is necessary to allow her to stay and there is nothing we can do. She is not a child and is entitled to handle her own affairs. Realizing that is not your responsibility or within your control is sometimes all you can do.
Good luck. This is rough.
ss
Adding commiseration – this is such an draining responsibility. Definitely check out the facilities on your own – it is very important to be clear about whether a facility has the capacity and expectation to care for residents through their final decline (many don’t – set up only for residents with higher levels of health and/ or mobility).
If there are other family members, now is a good time to ask them to step up, whether it is to help research facilities, get ready for the mechanics of the move or just help keep your folks in a more cheerful state of mind with visits, affection and attention.
Middle Coast
If you have siblings, make sure you are all on the same page to ensure a tug-of-war over how to handle things does not happen.
And, no matter what you do, they will want to go home. Be prepared to handle that – they will not listen to reason – their overwhealming desire will be going home.
Chandra NH
The NY times had a fantastic blog on caring for the aging (it has ended, but archives are still out there) with lots of great info on finances, discussions to have, the types of facilities, resources. Please search it out.
CM
Any readers here going to be camped out at target’s website Sunday AM or going to their store early? I’m getting really flipping excited…
Pretty Primadonna
I checked the website a little after midnight and again a little after 1:30, then went to sleep. When I woke up (around 7), everything was sold out. :-(
Anon
Any suggestions for life insurance that doesn’t require a physical.
anon
Wondering if you all can do some shopping for me? I’m looking for a dress for a women’s only get together for my mother’s of multiples club on the 29th. It’s being held in a ballroom at a local comedy club. Please make suggestions! Must be under 100 bucks (twins ate expensive!) Super bonus points if it comes in tall sizes. Im 5 ft 9 in with a long torso and regular dresses typically don’t hit my waist and butt in the right spot.
Zelda
Is this a daytime or evening event? Are you looking for cocktail style or more garden party/daytime dress?
anon
It’s in the evening from 6 to 9 pm and includes a full plated dinner. I’m not sure what I’m looking for!
Claire
Hi everybody! Does anyone know of a small, elegant, non-bulky reasonably-priced hands-free “purse” for valuables, ideally something invisible? Coach makes a cute purse that has belt loops, which is fine if you’re wearing a belt. Or, you can put things in your pocket. But what if you’re wearing a pocketless dress and someone asks you to dance? You don’t want to leave your money, keys, ID unattended, but don’t want to be saddled with a bulky purse. A mini cross-body purse with a strap will work and keep your hands free. But is there a better invisible solution? “Bra-staching” is not an option, nor is a traditional money belt because of the heft. I suppose I could use a safety pin to attach a small cloth drawstring bag to my underwear, but that means having to go to the loo if I want to retrieve anything. This question may sound silly, but perhaps someone has a creative ideas for how to deal with this – a common problem for women.
Blonde Lawyer
What type of event will you be at? If it is a wedding or charity gala type thing I just leave my purse on my seat unattended. If it was at a night club then yeah, my purse stays on my arm.
Claire
Nightclub-type event. I guess cross-body is the best solution.
Flower
I had a friend who really wanted the fanny pack to come back in style specifically for this reason. Maybe there’s some hope with all of the other 90s fashion? My solution has always been the wristlet or crossbody (or staying home because between what to wear, how to layer for indoor vs. outdoor weather, how to store valuables, how to get home safely and make sure all my friends get home safely….it’s all too exhausting and I give up and watch netflix) but I would love it if someone came up with something better.
Anonymous
This is why all my clutches can go around my wrist/shoulder. I have one that isn’t hands-free, and that one only goes to places where I’ll know everyone (like weddings)(I know, you never really know everyone…) or I won’t be dancing very much. I never figured out how those girls who seem to walk around with nothing do it, unless they clearly look older, don’t buy themselves drinks, and don’t take the bus/taxi anywhere…
Claire
Flower, lol. I actually did end up staying home tonight. I totally relate to your anxiety! My cats kept me company.
Mama Mia!
DH and I are considering a week on a Greek Island – any tips or suggestions? May have to post on Monday’s thread to get some hits. TIA!
Anonymous
Santorini! I’ve been to a few other ones but Santorini is by far the most beautiful & most quintessential “Greek Island.” There have been recs for food, hotels & activities discussed here before. We stayed at Esperas in Oia and I highly recommend it. It wasn’t cheap (around $300 a night as I recall, but might be less now that the Euro is so weak), but was way cheaper than most other hotels that faced the caldera and was super nice.
https://corporette.com/2012/03/21/suit-of-the-week-brooks-brothers-4/