This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
The Outnet has some killer sales right now on workwear accessories and outfits. Take, for example, this gorgeous snake and leather satchel — at 13″ x 10″ x 7 ” it's roomy enough for a notepad and more, and it's hard to think of an outfit that wouldn't look good with the beige/black/white color scheme. Originally $1,675, the bag is now marked to $795.12. Alexander Wang Pelican snake and leather satchel
(L-5)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Parker - Boardroombelles
Love the bag. The Outnet is one of my favorite places. Really love when they have W118 by Walter Baker blouses on sale. The Outnet Europe also had some amazing Issa wrap dresses this summer.
Blue Apron? - Paging Buffybot and Batgirl
Thanks for the Blue Apron feedback! I have a follow up question – how are the portion sizes? I’d be doing this with my metabolically gifted boyfriend who works out hard after work and comes home starving. I am hoping the portion sizes are big enough to satisfy him but not so big that I end up eating more than I should. Thanks!
Batgirl
Eh, they’re fairly average. I think the calorie count tends to be between 450-600 calories. I felt like the portions were fairly average. Smaller than restaurants/takeout, but not tiny. My boyfriend can EAT and I’m sure he could’ve eaten more than what we had with the meals, but I don’t think he was exactly left wanting, either.
Girls and body image
For the poster who was asking about how to approach her daugher’s weight…great article on huffpo today. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-koppelkam/body-image_b_3678534.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false
Ellen
OMG, I would have to have SAM buy me this satchel, it is to expensive for my wallet, and dad would disown me if I spent so much on a satchel! Dad is alway’s complaining about my tuchus being like a satchel, and he talks about my tuchus coming from my MOM and her side of the family. FOOEY! Rosa has the same parents, but she does not have mom’s tuchus. It is more like Grandma Leyeh’s tuchus. But I got Dad’s BRAINS! YAY!!!!
Dad is takeing me with him next week on a special assignment he got, and the manageing partner is giveing me a littel time off from work b/c he will be there until LABOR Day, and he want’s me to start thinkeing about the firm party on his boat. Margie should be handeling the details and food, but I am to think about the entertainment. The boat will be docked most of the time and we can have our food on LAND, then go for a boat ride, or the OTHER way around. I think it depends on WHEN in the day we will be there. Margie think’s she wants everyone there at 11:00 am so we can have a full day b/f goeing home.
I think with 15 people + Guest’s drinkeing and eateing, we should do the Boat FIRST, b/c I do NOT want to think about VOMIT on the Boat! DOUBEL FOOEY! Who knows if everyone can even go on the OCEAN without getteing see-sick. FOOEY! Madeline I realy think should be OK, she has a tuchus like a boat anchor, so as long as she sits still, the BOAT will NOT rock much. And Frank can sit over the engine, where it is NEVER cold. The tax attorney’s are nerdy, and I have to make sure that Roberta will be abel to go. She has been mad b/c we have NOT gotten together, but I need more cases from her first I said! Jim is comeing and he want’s to ride out with me. Mabye I said to him, but I need more cases from him too. I hope Margie does NOT invite the relatives b/c they like to stare at me and it makes me self consious. FOOEY!
I should be abel to check in a few times next week on my I-phone, but it will be a littel more difficult then if I carried my MACBOOK with me. FOOEY! Have a nice week off to the HIVE!!! YAY!!!!!
Cimorene
Threadjack – my family is moving, and instead of selling our current house, my husband is interested in exploring renting it so that our assets our diversified. (If we sold it, we’d just put the proceeds back into mutual funds to replace what we’re taking out for the down payment on our current house.) Has anyone here done that? It’s a local move so we could check on the property and perform needed maintenance. I know the trick is to get a good tenant, so running credit checks and verifying income and all that would be key. I’d join the local landlord group to get access to all the forms and such. We’re in California, if that matters. Thanks for any thoughts!
Cimorene
Sigh, that should be down payment on our *new* house.
Anne Shirley
In my experience it isn’t worth it. If you’re really interested in diversifying into rental income, it makes more sense to purchase a property geared for that than try and convert an existing one.
Cimorene
Thanks. Can you share a bit on what is involved in converting an existing home to a rental? I know the insurance is different, but is there something beyond the regular maintenance/property taxes that I’m probably not thinking about?
Anne Shirley
I’m not thinking so much about the details as the work involved. Are you really interested in the maintenance? Do you really understand what it will be like to have people who aren’t interested in taking good care of your home living there? And financially, if you looked at the market with an eye to a good rental property, would you honestly pick this home?
Diana Barry
Eh…from my friends who are landlords I’ve heard that it is so much of a PITA, they’d never recommend it. Why not just put all the proceeds into the new place and make your mortgage smaller?
TO Lawyer
+1 My parents had a rental property years ago (house they couldn’t sell right away) and it was a huge pain.
OHCFO
+1 We moved cross country and rented our old house out for 3 years. We had a competent and experienced property manager to help, but it wasn’t enough. We had renters flake out and break lease twice, and had a hard time getting rents that covered the mortgage. We never made a profit off of it. Even if it were profitible, I think the stress of never knowing when something might go wrong that could cost big $$ wouldn’t have been worth it. Unless it was reaaaallllly profitible, that is.
Good luck!
Anon
We have a rental property, and when we have a good tenant it is fine. But it is hard to find a good tenant and it causes major stress/time/money when we don’t have one. We went through a string of tenants that did not take good care of the house, basically abandoned the place or quit paying and had to be evicted. It is hard. My husband is very handy and does all the maintenance himself, so that saves money, but it is still a huge time suck. Once the market in our area recovers more we are going to sell. We would be willing to sell as soon as we can break even to be out of the landlord business!
In house lobbyist
We have one small rental house that is paid for and has good tenants. It is great and would do it again. But we did the same thing you are talking about last year and it is awful. My husband does all the work and it is still such a pain to deal with. We are selling it as soon as the lease is up in 6 months because the insurance doubled when we converted it to a rental house, the tenant is crazy even though she appears sane on paper and it would be a stretch to go a few months with carrying the mortgage by ourselves. You really have to treat it as a job and be able to drop everything and go replace a water heater, fix a leak, or deal with any number of issues. In short, just try to sale and be done with it is my advice.
MsZ
I disagree with the principle that owning two single family homes in the same local area achieves diversification.
We have some rental properties that we purchased for that purpose, and they receive much more wear and tear, and much less TLC, than our personal home – we’re not slumlords, and they are nice apartments, but the standards of our average tenants are lower than our personal standards for ourselves. I think you would end up losing value on your home after it was used as a rental for a while.
LIW
Totally agree. Imagine if we go back to 2008. Your primary home decreases in value AND your rental home decreases in value AND rental values go down. Even if not, you are owning a depreciating asset (a second one, in fact), and it will be a PITA to oversee even if you have decent tenants.
cpa
Remember that you will have additional tax reporting requirements with a rental property. This freaks some people out. It’s simple to me because it’s what I do for a living but for others the bookkeeping, taxes, etc. stress them out.
OCAssociate
I’m in California (OC), and kept our previous townhouse for rental, since it was underwater at the time we were moving. My In-laws have always been landlords, and the key thing seems to be finding a decent management company. While my husband is very handy, we don’t want to deal with tenants personally. The mgmt company has done everything from list the place, get the tenant, deal with any issues that come up, collect rent, etc. We only get involved if a repair of more than $200 is needed.
At this point, our rental income is zeroed-out by expenses. So we’re not paying tax on that income, but we’re also not getting any net monthly benefit from it. The long-term value of owning property in this area is our benefit.
I’d suggest that you evaluate how much hassle you want to deal with personally, or whether it’s cost-effective for you to get a management company. Getting a 2 a.m. phone call about a shower leak or a call about a clogged toilet would drive me crazy.
Cimorene
The rent we could charge would more than cover our expenses – we wouldn’t be using it as a rental because we couldn’t sell it but rather to hold the property as values increase – which we’d be prepared to hold for at least the next 5 years. I am going to call a few management companies to see what the fees would be–you’re right, not having to handle the hassle of the little fixes would be nice.
abogada
My partner and I both have rental properties and it’s been fine. I have a 2-flat. I live in 1 unit and rent the other. My partner owns a 2-flat as well. He used to live in 1 unit and rent the other, now he lives with me and both units are rentals. Once you get someone in the place, the additional repair work is relatively the same as for a place you own and live in, so if you’re already homeowners, you’re familiar with home maintenance and repair.
Bette
I have rental properties too. The key is really finding a good tenant. I live in a high demand city and the rental property is attractive so it wasn’t hard finding a tenant that was an excellent candidate.
Taxes basically zero out at municipal, state, and federal level because of depreciation formulas.
It’s a great passive revenue stream.
I would definitely evaluate your market though to see if this makes sense for you.
Anon
My husband and I have a rental property in a city that sounds similar to Bette’s. We had only owned the house for a year when we had to move out of it because my husband found a new job in a new city that was worth moving for. I didn’t want to sell because while we probably would have broken even, if we held on to it, we had a good chance of making a nice profit. We’ve had a few rounds of tenants in it, and so far so good. It can be annoying at times to fix broken appliances, etc, but we’re more than covering our mortgage, the property is in a location where home prices are steadily gaining value, the rental market is tight, and we never have real problems finding tenants. We do everything ourselves, though we’ve talked about getting a property management company to handle everything after our current tenants move out. Hope it helps – if you do your homework, it can be a great investment. :)
Marriage-minded anon
Okay, long relationship TJ: Has anyone ever gotten back together with an ex when you were dumped, and had it work out? In my situation, he’s back, but I’m having trouble trusting/believing in him again. Because of that, I think, I’m not “falling back in love” the way I sort of imagine I should be?
A bit of background: We’ve always been off and on, mainly due to my feelings of being “too young” and conflicted (we started dating when I was 18 and i’m 25 now, he is my first and really only serious relationship). After a post-college breakup I initiated that apparently wounded him deeply, we got back together with my prodding. He wasn’t able to fully emotionally commit to it though –saying he had been too hurt– and broke up with me 6 months later, sliding out through a romantic entanglement with an ex. I was devastated. Now, however, another six months later, he is back. He says that he trusts me and really wants to be with me and see if we can make this work, because he’s never had the depth of feeling he had for me about someone else.
I really care about this guy, and we really do match up in life goals, values, etc. (a big deal — we are part of a small-ish religious group, which makes finding someone rather harder than it is for most people, especially if you’re female). We’ve been taking it slowly, but I’m just not sure how to navigate. (For instance, we aren’t exclusive — I thought it was too early as it’s only been about a month since we started speaking again. BUT, knowing that he’s going on dates with other people makes me really sad/doesn’t help my trust issues with him). I don’t want to give up just yet even though that may be the smart thing to do, but I just don’t know what this should look like, or whether I’m taking for granted how easy or difficult this might be.
Anne Shirley
It’s nice and all that he trusts you, but it doesn’t sound like you trust him. And it also doesn’t sound like he’s really trying to sell you on this: if he really thinks you’re the one, why exactly is he sati g other women? I get not wanting to be exclusive officially, but if he’s saying he’s ready to be with you, I think he should be showing you that. It sounds like you’re not really sold on this relationship at the moment- stay at that stage unless and until you are.
Anne Shirley
Ugh. Dating not sati g.
Ex-GF
Don’t do it! If you have doubts, that means it ain’t right. If you don’t like the way he treats you (by dating other people), then dump him again. He doesn’t deserve you. Depth of feeling does not necessarily mean marriage material.
Houston Attny
“Depth of feeling does not necessarily mean marriage material” Wise words, Ex-GF. Wise words.
Houston Attny
I remember reading some comments on this site several months ago that success in reuniting after a breakup can often depend on the why of the breakup. Did you break up because there were different life goals, different priorities, something awful you cannot forget and move past? Or did you break up because you moved, you felt young and unprepared, etc? It sounds like you have similar goals and priorities but having these trust issues makes sense to me. And it sounds like you both have them with each other, yes? Have you considered going to counseling? For one, I think it can help you discuss the trust issues because you’ll need to address those if you wind up with him or wind up with someone else. Secondly, it might help you in the process of figuring out how/if you want to proceed specifically with him.
Marriage-minded Anon
Er… counseling together or separately? I actually started going to therapy after our breakup, but am currently between counselors (alas! At just the wrong time!) I almost do think that going together might be helpful, but it seems like it might be a little early and a little intense to suggest that?
Houston Attny
I actually think for you to go alone. The trust issue is one you’ll have for awhile, particularly if you stay with him, and perhaps someone (maybe even affiliated with your faith) might be able to give you some perspective. I agree with you – too soon to suggest joint counseling.
Eleanor
This sounds eerily like the situation of a couple of friends of mine. In their case, the guy seems to be dating other women (intermittently and very casually) because it’s so unclear whether the woman will take him back, and he seems to be very afraid of being hurt by her again. It makes sense to me that while they’re in this stage of exploring whether they’re going to get back together, both might continue to date other people for a while.
In the case of my friends, they really do seem very suited to one another, and definitely attracted to each other. The woman just got skittish because she was so young when they started dating and she had never dated anyone else. I can understand the feeling, but I would hate for something like that permanently to destroy a couple who could be happy together, now that they’re older. Whether they can bring themselves to trust each other again seems like the main question. In the case of my friends, I really hope they can.
AnonBK
Marriage-minded, a few quick thoughts: you’ve been dating this guy on/off since you were 18 (very young to meet your match), it’s really only been 6 months since you last broke up (not enough time to really move on in the first place), and he’s still seeing other people even though he’s ‘ready’ to be back with you again (read: he’s just looking for a good option for ‘right now’).
I hear what you’re saying about being ‘marriage-minded’, and that it’s hard to look within your dating pool, but MM, this guy sounds like he is holding you way way back.
Anon
Ditto to what everyone else is saying. I am also part of a small-ish religious group and have been through something similar, so I feel like I can very much relate. But if something feels off, then it’s because something *is* off. And if you’re having issues trusting him already, that will only be exacerbated by the fact that he’s seeing other people, despite claiming he really wants to be with you now. Deep feelings make it hard to move on, but you said it best when you said that you know that’s the “smart” thing to do. But, unfortunately, our hearts don’t always let us do what’s smartest/best for us in the long run.
Digby
Yes, but it was a long, hard painful road. Literally, years – we didn’t speak for a couple of years when I told him to stop calling me (just to check in and see how I was doing, but I couldn’t do that). Then we were long-distance for a couple of years, then we went to couples therapy several times, and individual therapy briefly, and eventually, it all worked out (married, happy, wiser). What helped was the couples therapy – the therapist was great, and pointed out to us how much we really wanted things to work, and that we were just getting in our own way – he said the love was there, the will was there, we just had to accept that we had a good foundation and could handle what came. And also that my husband apologized to me for the way he broke up with me – he had been pretty cowardly about it, and I had some hurt deep inside about that, and when he apologized, I swear I felt a huge weight off my shoulders, and something inside me just unfroze and I was ready to move forward. Sorry for the novel, but obviously this touched a nerve for me! Best of luck to you.
Houston Attny
Ladies,
Do you have recommendations for inexpensive products that I might try to tame/control my hair if I don’t want to style it? During the work week, I blow dry it straight but I am headed to the beach next week for vacation. I’d rather be as minimalist as possible, not blow dry my hair each day of the vacation, etc, but also somehow tame the mane. My hair tends to be kind of a mixed bag (some parts straight, some parts curl, some parts wave). Appreciate your suggestions!
Diana Barry
On vacation, I just let my hair do whatever the heck it wants to. It’s the beach; let it be wild! Or ponytail if it’s long enough. :)
KC
Agree. When I’m in the mountains or at the beach, I opt for lots of ponytails, braids, and buns. Basically whatever is easy and keeps the hair out of my face.
Walnut
We have the same hair and the cheapest, lowest maintenance solution is to tie it back, clip it back or pin it up.
Lily student
Dove do a fantastic leave in conditioner – it’s one with a dual oil and water type thing.
Anon in NYC
I have similar hair. Try working moroccan oil (or a similar product) into your ends, and then rake mousse through your hair. I use about as much mousse as the length of my hand for slightly-longer-than-shoulder-length hair. Let your hair air dry.
Merabella
I would say just put some hair oil in (to keep it from getting dried out) and braid it and let it do what it will.
Houston Attny
Thank you, Ladies! Writing down all suggestions!
petitesq
Frizz Ease is a remarkably credible line.
Blue
John Frieda “Secret Weapon” cream. Miracle worker.
Miss Behaved
I have a macadamia oil product that reduces blowdry time. Depending on how thick your hair is, you might not have to blowdry at all. My hair is super thick, but when I use it, I only need to blowdry for about a half hour: http://www.amazon.com/Macadamia-Oil-Healing-Treatment-ounces/dp/B002WTC37U/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1375406438&sr=8-2&keywords=macadamia+oil+hair
Parker - Boardroombelles
My three types of beach hair:
1) Use Bumble & Bumbles saltwater spray to create messy beadhead hair
2) Braid when wet, pin it up and tuck a flower in for going out. For this option I use a lot of leave-in conditioner at the tips, because I figure if I leave my hair wet no one will notice my tips being full of leave in conditioner and I might as well get some extra nourishment in, since sun, sand and salt are generally pretty harsh on the hair. (I just use a cheap leave-in from Pantene or Tre Semme that I only keep in my medicine cabinet for vacations)
3) Spritz hair with Bumble and Bumble saltwater spray and work in a bit of Tre Semme Curl Gel while its still wet. Then during the day, use 1 or 2 small to medium sized hair donuts to style your hair. At night when you take them out of your (more or less dry hair) the wind, saltwater spray and curl gel gives it some easy waves. Because the curls aren’t perfect with this method I then usually do a half up-half down do for night.
My hair texture sounds like it would be very similar to yours.
Good luck and happy vacation!
messy ethical quandary
I’m so grateful to everyone who chimed in on my messy ethical quandary in this morning’s thread–I can’t tell you how much I appreciated your wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I wanted to make sure you all saw these thanks even if you didn’t re-check that thread.
Although I’m not a Christian (TBK got it right–I’m a UU), I agree with the many of you who pointed out that as a church, we are bound to welcome and support those people who seek out our community. I also agree with those of you who worried about transparency and giving parents and adults the tools they need to keep their children safe.
So far, the only congregants who know about this situation are myself and one other board member. Happily, the other board member is not only a parent but also a lawyer–two things I am not–and we have already set up a time to talk things through this weekend. Based on your feedback and on conversations I’ve been having in real life, I’m going to ask the minister to re-think the extreme secrecy of the plan he proposed. I’ll also be in touch with our district (we don’t have dioceses, we have districts) to find out what resources they can provide.
Once again, I’m so glad to have this community. Thank you thank you.
Ex-GF
Here’s a doozy for you all. I was dating a guy for about 1.5 years. He moved into my house very recently and it immediately became obvious that I could not continue the relationship, since I realized he was an emotionally manipulative and controlling d-bag.
We broke up and I asked him to move out (giving him 2 months to do so). He had been paying me $500/month towards the mortgage and utilities. I decamped to my parents’ house in the same city to give him space and relieve the awkwardness. It has been one month and he is supposed to move out by August 31. He has since sent me several whiny and blaming emails and texts telling me how I am a terrible person, he needs to continue living in my house, how the breakdown of the relationship was all my fault, and I will someday regret breaking up with him.
He has now sent me AN ITEMIZED INVOICE for “expenses” related to the break up. The items include $60 for a new vacuum cleaner (we gave his crappy old one to charity), $20 for silverware, $1000 for his labor to help clean and organize my house when he moved in, $600 for a plane ticket to visit his mother, and $200 for the smokehouse I reluctantly let him build in my backyard so he could smoke his fish. I have refused to discuss the demise of the relationship and have stuck to my guns on the move-out date. He is now refusing to pay me the $500 rent for August because of his “expenses” which are all my fault.
My plan is just to let the money go and just sit tight and pray that he will pack his things and go. If he fails to move out, I will file for eviction. I have never ever ever had to deal with this kind of unhinged and immature behavior before. It is truly shocking that a 38-year-old man could act this way. Maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised?
Anne Shirley
I’m not sure I’d stick with prayer in this situation. Call a lawyer and start figuring out how to protect yourself and your home stat.
Ex-GF
I’m half joking about the praying. I am a lawyer so I am fairly confident I can get him out legally if I have to. I know how to do an eviction. Also my co-worker is a biker and has offered to round up her biker husband and several biker friends if I need some back-up muscle someday. He is a neat freak and inordinately concerned with material objects so I do not believe he would ever damage my house. I have been going over there periodically (when he is not there) to water my plants and pick up my mail and everything has been fine so far. I have no real valuables in the house. All my material possessions are expendable if necessary. This whole situation is going to make me EXTREMELY reluctant to ever live with anyone again.
Mary Ann Singleton
Oh dear lord. Consider yourself extremely lucky that you didn’t marry this man. Good luck to you, and stick to your guns.
LilyB
you should check your local laws- if he isn’t on the lease and hasn’t been there for long, you might not need to formally evict him- you could just call the cops.
Eleanor
Yeah, this doesn’t really sound like a lease, and given his behavior I don’t think you’re ethically bound to stick with the August 31 deadline. Tell him if he’s not gone in a week or two you’re calling the police.
Monday
Also I’d change the locks immediately when you move back in. I don’t like the combo of your description as manipulative and controlling + some of the things he’s written to you.
Ex-GF
I own the house. I absolutely plan to change the locks at midnight on the night of Aug 31/Sept 1. I will have my parents there for backup with my phone ready to dial 911. Then I probably won’t fully move back in for another couple of weeks. Also, I have my very first jury trial scheduled for the end of September, right around my 35th birthday. Yay!
Anonymous
I agree. I would call him immediately and tell him to be out tonight. I would tell him if his things aren’t gone by x time, you’ll be calling the police. What an ASSHOLE!
a.k.
Maybe give him 72 hours or somesuch to get out. It’s already nasty, and do you really want a hothead living in your house for another month? What if something breaks? What if he decides to take out his frustration on your property?
S
This. It is your house. He needs to get out. And not in a month. You say he is harmless to your house but you probably didnt think he would be spiteful enough to itemize a bunch of nonsense either. He is showing you pretty clearly his anger is deep, and anyone worried about consequences wouldn’t do that to the person keeping a roof over their head, regardless of how they truly felt. That you are thinking motorcycle buddy intimidation shows the situation has gone too far snd normal courtesies of giving extended time to move on no longer apply. It isn’t your responsibility to worry about what he’ll do anymore. Call the cops and let him figure out whose couch he will crash on. And stop going there in the meantime. You’re putting yourself in a lot of risk. You seem far too worried about his feelings and comfort and not enough for your own. Stay safe, hon, and don’t take chances like that.
I hope you are rid of this horrible, horrible situation soon.
Ex-GF
He just emailed to say he would pay me $350 for August and move out by the 31st. That works for me. I think he will keep his word.
Hollis
I agree with your strategy of letting the rent go and hoping that he leaves your life forever. It’s hard to think of it this way now, but if it only costed me $500 to get confirmation that a guy was a controlling d-bag, I’d consider that money well-spent! Think about the thousands of $$ you just saved on therapy you will not need! You’ll look back on these events as a gift (and a good story to tell later).
Ex-GF
Yep, I agree. I’d rather lose $500 than have to see or talk to this guy again. And I would much rather he take out his frustration on my house than on my face. Though I really doubt it would come to that. But you never know.
Anon
At the risk of sounding unkind, you seem awfully caught up in the drama with this guy (“I want you all to know that he has the potential for violence, but I am not worried (worry about me)”) and I think you might benefit from some therapy to discuss what initially attracted you to such an assh*le and why you think it’s exciting to share with others how you might be harmed by him. I’m glad that you saw this horrible traits in him and have moved on, but I think it’s worth exploring how you got here.
Anon
*these* and not this.
Wildkitten
If you weren’t worried you wouldn’t be asking r3tt3s. You’re asking because you’re worried. Take our advice. We care about you.
Cb
Any (cheap) tips for making the most of a month long training course when your flat is pretty grim and you don’t know a soul? My current plan is to drown my sorrows in gaufres but any more productive suggestions are welcome.
Merabella
find a local place to hang out after work – coffee shop or something so you can just get out of the house? Put put a picture frame or poster of something you like to personalize the space a bit. Check out a meet up group in the area?
TravelMoreRoads
Use the extra time to learn something new or do something fun you’ve always wanted to do – take a cooking class (maybe Gaufres 101 eh?), learn a language, write a novel.
Echoing Merabella, find a place to meet new people, like so: http://travelmoreroads.com/sit-at-the-bar/
Tell us where you’re going and maybe you’ll find a buddy in this community who lives there (or make us all jealous giving you new-found appreciation for your travels).
Have a great trip!
Jules
FYI, today’s Google doodle is another tribute to a woman scientist, this time astronomer Maria Mitchell.
Nonny - Help me spend money
After months of anticipation, my generous tax refund has come in! Most of it is going to pay off various debts, and I am putting some in savings, but I am allocating $700 to buy myself something fun.
Clothing is out since I’m pregnant and don’t want to spend this on pregnancy clothes or anything that potentially won’t fit later. I really want a pair of Ferragamo Varas but I’m afraid my feet might change size, and then what? I could buy a gorgeous handbag, or I have been thinking of a Hermes scarf, which I can wear no matter my shape and size (and I am a scarf-wearer). But I am open to suggestions. How would you spend this fun windfall money in my situation?
Monday
A fabulous and versatile watch?
sharpest
I’d go with a scarf. $700 is an odd amount to spend on a handbag (too much for contemporary brands like Marc by Marc Jacobs, too little for high-end brands like Prada, etc.). An Hermes scarf will last you a lifetime and if you have a girl you will pass it on to her. If you’re a scarf-wearer this is a no-brainer :)
AMB
I love either the scarf or purse idea. Or a piece of jewelry? I’m very into all the lovely bangles around these days.
Equity's Darling
I vote Hermes scarf. I love the few that I have, and I try to wear them a lot, even if it’s simply just tied around a purse handle.
I’ve been having my parents buy me one every year as a combined birthday/christmas/other things gift, and I’m hoping to have a nice little collection by the time I’m in my 40s…plus, they basically last forever, I love some of the vintage ones, which can get pricey. Luckily, the ones I have now will be vintage when I’m in my 80s….right!?
Diana Barry
I will be a killjoy and say if your debt isn’t fully paid off, I would put all of it towards debt, except for maybe $100.
sharpest
I will be a killjoy and say if your debt isn’t fully paid off, I would put all of it towards debt, except for maybe $100.
Merabella
true, but it will be harder and harder to pay off the debt once the baby comes – those little humans cost money.
Monday
She said “I want to buy something…” so I took that at face value. She didn’t ask open-ended “how should I spend this money?”
Nonny
Thank you for the input, Diana and Merabella – I do appreciate it. After this, the only debt remaining will be some long-term debt to my parents, which I am putting a huge whack of money on with this tax refund, and will be paying down religiously at a good rate over the next year. The payments are in the budget, so this really is splurgeable money. I’m also considering the fact that this is probably the last truly splurgeable money I will have in quite some time, due to said small human.
AIMS
I would buy the scarf, or maybe one of those pretty little enamel bracelets Hermes makes with the gorgeous prints.
Bonnie
I love those bracelets. If you’re going the scarf route, check out therealreal, they sell designer items in god condition and usually have tons of scarves. My vote would be for a nice piece of jewelry, maybe something from Tiffany’s.
LIW
Ugh no, please don’t do Tiffany. Way too branded, and whatever you like there, you can get much cheaper elsewhere.
Bonnie
You don’t think Hermes is branded? Feel free to wear Tiffany’s knockoffs; I prefer the real thing.
ss
I’d say have a think about a high-quality cashmere wrap instead of an Hermes scarf, unless you are very confident that you will enjoy working the ‘haute bourgeois’ look of the Hermes silk twill scarves. I find them a bit matronly myself whereas great-quality cashmere is a real luxury product even before someone puts a brand on it, and I’ve found that paying up for quality here really makes a difference. You may even be able to stretch your budget to 2 – a winter and a summer weight, or 2 different colours.
Single ladies
There’s an infographic on the Mint blog that illustrates the extra costs of being a single woman. I will post a link to follow. It’s pretty interesting. Thoughts welcomed and encouraged!
Single ladies
https://www.mint.com/blog/consumer-iq/the-high-cost-of-being-a-single-lady-0813/?display=wide
Eleanor
This seems of a piece with all those very irritating articles about the dire plight of single/childless women. Why is this chart about single women only? Single men also do not get to take advantage of filing taxes jointly with their spouse, etc.
Furthermore, it seems poorly done. The chart indicates single women make less moeny than married women, but that doesn’t control for education or other potentially relevant factors. Nowadays educated women marry at higher rates than less-educated women, so it makes sense married women would, on average, make more money (assuming single and married women are employed at equal rates, which is almost certainly not the case, but the chart doesn’t address that either.
In short, this chart seems more attention-grabbing than useful or accurate.
Statutesq
I had the same reaction.
Aa
Why don’t these things ever account for the cost of divorce? That’s relevant to more than half the married population these days
NOLA
Whatever it is, it’s cheaper than being married to my ex-husband!
Houston Attny
Hee!
eek
Love it!
BB
I had to just do a massive Sephora order to replace all of my eye makeup, and I was wondering: Is there an appreciable difference between the $13 Sephora brand eyeshadow and the $30 “luxury” brand ones? I’ll usually spring for the more expensive concealers and if they have an exact eyeshadow color I want, but does it matter for something like black eyeshadow?
Marilla
Sometimes, not always. Better quality eyeshadow will be more deeply pigmented (sometimes with the Sephora brand one you need to really layer it on to get the colour you expect, while a better quality eye shadow gets you the same thing in one or two swipes) and I find has less fall-out (meaning when you brush it on, it doesn’t sprinkle out on to your cheekbone/side of your eye quite as much, even when application is 100% the same). I haven’t been super impressed with Sephora brand eyeshadows for the price – I think drugstore eyeshadows are at least as good and sometimes better and much cheaper, since Sephora brand stuff has gone way up in price over the past 5 years. My eyeliner is Sephora brand and I love it and can’t change, but it used to be $7 and now is $15. For other brands sold at Sephora, I like Urban Decay (the Naked palettes are great) and didn’t like Stila eyeshadow when I tried it.
Also, related make-up PSA – I am newly obsessed with the Beauty Blender (that pink egg-shaped sponge). It’s a ridiculously expensive sponge but it really truly works.
Anonymous
I’ve found that if I use an eyeshadow primer first (I use Benefit’s Stay Don’t Stray) I can’t tell any difference between the pigmentation/staying power of my cheaper shadows vs. my expensive shadows. If I don’t, my more expensive shadows tend to stay in place longer.
Ex-GF
I have never actually practiced landlord-tenant law, so I am a little unclear on whether I have to treat him as a tenant (with 30 days’ notice) or if I can just kick him out ASAP. I can check the law, but I am reluctant to just evict him immediately because I know that will lead to more angry emails, texts, phone calls, etc., and I am unsure of how he will react. He has a shotgun, a 30-08 rifle, a .22 rifle, and a 9mm pistol all at his immediate disposal. I have never personally seen him be violent, but he has had fights with other men before and grew up playing hockey in a check league. He once put an opposing player in a concussion (though he felt bad about it after, and it was many years ago). If I let him stay to the end of the month, at least he has had plenty of warning and time to pack.
Monday
Ok, now I’m upgrading my concern. It sounds like you have reason to worry about his behavior no matter what you do, and pandering to his potential violence could go on indefinitely. I no longer think this is something to think through on your own. I also don’t necessarily think biker friends are going to be helpful if he owns a bunch of guns. I’m sorry if this sounds too alarmist but I just see a lot of serious red flags here.
Diana Barry
+100000000!
espresso bean
I agree with Monday. This is very concerning. Please get help outside of your friend group.
Ex-GF
I was joking about the biker friends too… I would not do that. I am deliberately avoiding him and when I do change the locks I will not be there by myself. I have forbidden him from phoning me and so far he has obeyed, so at least I know he has that much self-control. So far it has just been emails and texts (to which I do not respond).
I have never had to extricate myself from such a controlling person before. It is truly eye-opening to experience first hand how manipulative some people can be and how strong you have to be to resist it. It is tyranny.
Monday
I stand by my comment and I absolutely hope I am over-reacting.
rosie
I hope you’ve told whoever will be accompanying you to change the locks that this guy may have violent tendencies and has easy/immediate access to a variety of firearms. Do your parents carry?
Anon
I am not trying to diminish the seriousness of the situation, but “grew up playing hockey in a check league” and gave another player a concussion =/= violent tendencies in everyday situations. I kickbox (full contact) and I have never once raised a fist to anyone outside of the ring/gym, even in heated arguments. If you can’t switch it off outside of the sport, then that is a problem, but the sport itself isn’t the problem.
Ex-GF
I do tend to agree that playing a “violent” sport does not necessarily translate to violent behavior off the ice. I have never ever seen him be violent in any situation in the 1.5 years I have known him. We discussed the checking thing and physical fighting in general while dating and I believe he now understands that it was inappropriate for the parents and coaches to encourage little boys as young as 7-8 to beat each other up during hockey games. He was praised for putting a kid in the hospital in a high school game. That is really screwed up and I think he knows now how screwed up that was and how it gave him a screwed up view of casual violence as an adult. Nevertheless, my mom and friends are a little concerned because he has easy access to his guns. I have never seen him use a gun except for hunting, and we live in a place in the US where guns are super common, totally unregulated, and ubiquitous. My state also tops the charts for domestic violence and sexual assaults against women. He didn’t grow up here, but still… I want to be cautious.
Blonde Lawyer
This is kind of a “gift of fear” situation where your instinct is probably spot on but the law isn’t really going to be 100% on your side. I don’t know about the landlord tenant versus relationship break up issue. I’ve never looked that one up. But, in my gun happy state, “he owns a lot of guns” is not at all relevant in trying to get a restraining order or police assistance. The judge will look at you and say “so? Guns are legal. Has he threatened to shoot you? Has he pointed one at you?” It makes my legal life difficult sometimes to have to explain to clients why they are correct to be more afraid of someone with guns but why the fact that they have guns alone, or recently bought a gun, or recently loaded their gun, or recently moved their gun is at all going to be relevant in their case absent an overt threat that makes gun violence imminent.
I’m just warning you in case your gun happy state is the same.
The standard between “you should be afraid for your safety” and “you qualify for a restraining order” are miles apart in some places.
Ex-GF
This is exactly it. Owning a gun (or 5) is not by itself a reason to get a restraining order. No judge here would give me a restraining order just because he has guns. I am not looking to get a restraining order anyways. He has NEVER threatened me with violence, ever.
My mom is an epidemiologist who works with public health data and she knows the numbers – men hurt and kill women when the woman leaves the abusive relationship. My ex was never ever physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive and manipulative. I just don’t really trust him to control his emotional outbursts. Better safe than sorry, so I am staying out of his way.
Monday
I wasn’t necessarily recommending a TRO and am no expert by any means. I just feel the OP should seek at least advice from formal sources.
Ex-GF
I ran this situation by a friend who is a prosecutor and all she said was to be careful, which I am. At any rate, I have my ducks in a row for eviction if necessary. Assuming the standard landlord-tenant laws apply, I can evict him 7 days after sending him notice that he has failed to pay rent (assuming he does not pay within that time). I do not have to wait 30 days. I am mulling over whether to do this or just let the money go and wait.
BigMed
OK. Cataloging his arsenal is a bad sign.
L2fly
I would do your research and determine what you need to do to legally evict him and start those proceedings now, with a target date of August 31, so you can have local authorities help you if he isn’t out when that date arrives. I know CA, for example, has strict laws about landlords/tenants, and a CA sheriff isn’t likely to help you kick someone out of your house if you haven’t gone through the proper steps.
Excited future "aunt"
So my best bud in the world just told me she’s pregnant (it’s very early on- 7 weeks) and I’m incredibly excited.
What would be a good gift to get her for when the pregnancy is out in the open? We live many hours apart so it would have to be something I can ship to her in a care package or have shipped directly to her. I’m thinking probably not a book because she is already super nervous. I’m leaning more towards something for herself / pampering / etc., but am not a Mom myself and don’t know what would be best. TIA!
JJ
I think a gift certificate for a prenatal massage or for a mani/pedi would be very welcome. Or something else that is pampering but that people sometimes don’t want to buy for themselves.
R
I just had a baby and all my best friends live in another state. Some of the best long distance gifts I received:
– A gift certificate for pre-natal massage at a local place.
– A gift certificate for a wax and pedicure. I couldn’t reach my feet but wanted to wear a dress to my baby shower. I almost cried when I remembered the gift card.
– A HUGE comfy robe and slippers. Esp when I got larger, it was great for weekends around the house.
– Food delivery. A meal from home, a dessert, a favorite restaurant. Holy crap did I love these.
The others were great, but I can’t stress the food enough. Esp after the first trimester, I would have kissed anyone who saved me from having to think about dinner.
CKB
I was going to suggest the big comfy robe. Also great for after baby is born.
RR
Massage gift certificate all the way.
IUD?
Hi Ladies –
I’m considering getting an IUD, specifcally Mirena (in a LTR with a strictly monogamous partner). Anyone have any experiences? Good, bad or otherwise?
The whole concept somewhat creeps me out, for lack of a better term, but after researching it seems like the best option for me (27, no kids or plans to have any in the near future, and currently on the combo pill which, while making me gain a few pounds has been otherwise fine).
Thanks in advance!
Me Too
I’m also 27 with no kiddos in the future and want one too! My ob/gyn neighbor says the trick to an easy insertion is this drug that makes your cervix temporarily “mushy” and a valium. :)
Anonymous
I have one (Mirena). I am glad I have it now but the first 4 months after insertion were pretty much sheer hell. I bled continuously for those four months (even 8 months after insurance, I still pretty much always bleed a tiny bit during sex now) and had extreme cramps.
But now it’s great! My period is really light (not even heavy enough for a light tampon) and rarely shows up. No more regular cramps though sometimes I’ll get a really sudden severe one — but then it’s gone. No weight gain or other side effects I’ve noticed.
My doctor did note to me that if by some miracle I did get pregnant, I would almost certainly need to have an abortion, since the IUD can cause major complications with early pregnancy. That wasn’t a dealbreaker for me, but it’s something to think about if it is for you.
IUD?
Thanks!
Definitely not a deal breaker to me – just trying to get over the mental hurdle to be ok with having something stuck in there *cringe*
Clerkette
Don’t be creeped out–that little piece of plastic is technological gold! I’m on my second Mirena and happily accepted a second half-day of discomfort in exchange for 100% worry-free birth control. Also, I haven’t had a period in years, which has been fabulous.
Bailey270
I’ve had one for just about 5 years (and getting a new one soon). I love everything about Mirena. I was 27 when I got it initially.
The insertion was uncomfortable but not painful for me (I know that others have more pain than I did.) I had cramps after the insertion and, intermittently, for a few weeks after. I had really never had cramps before in my life, so this was annoying, but not terrible. I also spotted a lot the first month and then less for the next few months. By 4 or 5 months after insertion that stopped.
My period went back to its normal cycle from what it had been while I was on the pill (my normal cycle is long, so 5+ weeks). My period is now much lighter and lasts less than 24 hours. I haven’t had any cramps since that first month. No other side effects that I’ve noticed.
Happy to answer any more specific questions you have as well.
Veronique
My experience was almost exactly the same when I get mine last year at 27 (no kids). I had some cramping over the next few days, but nothing laying down and an Advil couldn’t handle. I still get mild cramps around the time of my period, but only have a day or two of spotting instead of a real period. I love it!
Anonanon
I love mine. Got it 8 weeks after kiddo #2 came along. I had about a month of moderate cramping and spotting afterwards, but haven’t had a period since. Pre-baby I had horrible cycles, so this is a big plus. No regrets.
anne-on
Ugh, I wish I could say I loved my IUD but just found out that mine potentially punctured my uterus. Its a known risk factor and I apparently happen to be one of the lucky percentage who get to deal with it. Other than that the insertion was a breeze and I wish it worked for me.
FrouFrou
If you don’t mind sharing, what were your symptoms (of punctured ute)/how did you find out?
Anne-on
No real symptoms, it showed up in the post-insertion sonogram where they check to make sure it’s placed properly. Honestly, it’s really scaring me in terms of future fertility.
CKB
I had a regular copper IUD after the birth of each of my children, until dh had the big V. I loved it. It was 100% effective, loved not having to worry about a pill, and the insertion/removal wasn’t bad at all, but I don’t know if it’s different before you have kids.
My period was lighter with the IUD than before having my first, but again, could be a result of pg. It definitely wasn’t heavier, and cramps were definitely not worse either (basically went away, but then again, could be because I had a kid). Dh said he could sometimes feel the strings but that it didn’t bother him.
Anon
I have had both the copper IUD and the Mirena. I LOVE the Mirena. My periods are almost non-existent. Insertion hurt, but after that everything has been great. I plan on getting another one when this one expires.
cbackson
Dissenting voice: I had mine removed after a year of near-constant spotting (heavy enough that I needed at least a pantyliner at all times), hair loss and acne. The removal was awful (it was embedded) as well. It was my second IUD (the first, a non-hormonal one, expelled), and I was really, really bummed that it didn’t work for me.
Anonymous
Out of curiosity and if you don’t mind sharing. Did you have issues on any other form of hormonal birth control?
FrouFrou
This has been my experience. I got mine to control the symptoms of peri-menopause (non-stop period), but seven months after having it inserted, I am still spotting. I did have one week where there was nothing, but it’s otherwise been continuous. However, the bleeding is not as bad as it was pre-iud (non-stop, full-blown period), but it’s still annoying. And I have gained weight and my acne has erupted. I really don’t want an ablation or hysterectomy, but I’m not sure what else to do. I’m in denial that my fertile years are over.
FrouFrou
Also, I didn’t have any other issues with the pill. I only took it briefly, but I am no longer a candidate since it was determined that I have migraine with aura. :(
VT
Did you try the Nexplanon implant? I understand the hormones are a little different from the pills, might be OK with your migraines?
Rising 2L
I’m 24 and I’ve had the Paraguard for 6 years. I love it. It didn’t particularly hurt me during the insertion, but I did have bad cramps for a couple weeks afterward and for the first couple cycles. I had some break through spotting and wear panty liners occasionally. Now my periods are back to normal. The only downside is BF bumping into it during garden parties.
LH
Considering ordering my first Boden dress – can anyone comment on sizing? I’m normally one size in Ann Taylor, Banana, GAP, The Limited and a size smaller than that in Talbot’s. Thanks!
Creep
I’m a 32 or 34C and wear a 4 or size small in tops. If the top looks like a looser style, I size down to xs. I usually wear a 4 or 2 in skirts and dresses at J.Crew and Ann Taylor, and find that a Boden 4 or 4P fits.
Bonnie
I’m between sizes and order the smaller one. I find that their dresses fit straight and most of them have higher waists.
Anon
I just received 2 boden dresses. I typically wear Ann Taylor or BR. I ordered the dresses in my normal size and they fit well. I am on the taller side so I do order the longs. Regular is about 2-3 in above the knees
Creep
So after spending the better part of an hour reading horrifying personal anecdotes on medical web forum, I turn to the ‘rette community to tell me to calm the eff down. I stopped taking a [very lose dose] of topamax in early June, after being on the drug for migraines for about a year. I lost some weight on the drug, probably 5-8 pounds. Around early June, my weight started to creep up, and I’m 3-4 pounds heavier now than I was around the date I stopping taking Topamax. Wondering if the two things are related, I “researched” whether others had experienced weight gain after coming off the drug. And that’s when the internet exploded and basically convinced me I should expect to gain 30-50 pounds and never have a normal metabolism again.
Anon
Don’t freak out. Post-Topamax, I gained the weight I had lost back, but not more. Honestly, the topamax had made me feel so dumb and intellectually sluggish that a few pounds didn’t seem like a bad bargain. If, by chance, you are taking the topamax for migraines, see if you are a candidate for low-dose anti-depressants as an alternative. Option #3, the off-label use of Inderal, did cause an alarming weight spike for me that took several month and a nutritionist to come off.
eek
I took Topamax and my experience was that I had no desire to eat while I was on it and did lose weight, however it was a dreadful experience like Anon above and I only lasted several months. After I went off it, I did not put on more weight than I lost and my metabolism is fine.
LitiGator
My uncle was on Topamax for a few months and did not experience any weight gain.
Anonymous
I tried going off it and gained about 10-15 pounds. I went back on a lower dose of 50mg only once per day (at night, which the RN recommended to minimize the daytime fuzziness), and the side effects have not been nearly as bad. I still get my fair share of migraines and probably more than when I was on 100mg or higher, it at least keeps my migraine frequency low enough that I can take my abortive triptan for each occurrence without exceeding the 2/week limit.
Boston 2L
Very late here, but just wanted to chime in that when I tapered off of my large dose of Topamax (for migraines as well), I actually had less of a weight fluctuation than I had had on the medicine (but that wasn’t tough because I was fluctuating over 60 pounds on Topamax (with one other drug as well)).
I’m much happier with my migraine relief now (though it is working less well, so it might be time to switch it up again – sigh, there aren’t many options left!).
Smalldog
Even later here but was on Topamax for 3-4 yrs, maybe lost 4-5 lbs but nothing dramatic, went off and didn’t notice any big weight gain at that point. I went off in order to get pregnant but it didn’t happen for over a year so no dramatic weight change. I stayed off for 5 years and have gone back on in the past year at the same low dose and am happy that there seems to fewer side effects this go round – no tingling hands/feet, no fuzziness, etc. I have lost weight this time but I’m also running much more. It seems to me that any weight gain/difficulty in losing is probably much more related to normal age/life circumstances. Just my two cents.
C-Section gift
My sister has a c-section scheduled for next week (provided the baby doesn’t flip before then). What would be a good gift I could get her? I’ve read a lot of suggestions regarding belly wraps, but my understanding is that many hospitals provide these after a c-section. Anything else that might be helpful?
JJ
I’m all over these suggestions today. After having a c-section, I’d recommend something that will help out around the house after she gets back with the baby. The hospital did give me a belly wrap and while it was helpful the first week or so, I didn’t wear it again after that. Perhaps have meals delivered or a fruit/muffin basket (like something from Harry & David)? She’s not going to be able to lift more than the baby once she gets home and moving around a lot does cause some pain.
For me, a lot of people sent dinners over, which was helpful. But having something ready to eat for breakfast/lunch/snack was even better because I could just grab and eat something without thinking about it.
If she doesn’t have one and she’s considering nursing, that My Br*st Friend pillow was a godsend for nursing after my c-section. Saved my back and my incision.
mascot
Didn’t have a c-section, but really loved the BF nursing pillow. I also recommend breakfast/lunch/snacks over dinner.
Are you local so that you can help with laundry and errands? Also, she’s probably going to need to stay on one floor for the day instead of climbing stairs. Can you help her set up a home base on the main floor so she doesn’t have to track things all over the house.
anne-on
Can you arrange to have someone clean her home for her before she gets back from the hospital? My husband made sure our cleaning crew came the day we got back and it was awesome not to have to worry about a grungy home for the two weeks or so the incision was really tender.
I second snacks/breakfasts that she can eat quickly or with one hand. Nursing made me so hungry but the baby ate all.the.time. so it was very hard to find time to prep my own food.
OP
Thanks, ladies! I’m not local, but I will be there next week. Definitely will look into all of these things… great suggestions (as always)!
RR
Agree with something that will help her around the house–cleaning service, food delivery, a night nurse to help her get some sleep. I wouldn’t have wanted a belly wrap, honestly.
CKB
So, a couple of days ago I caught an unauthorized purchase for some amusement park tickets (for an amusement park on the other side of the country) in my PayPal account. I immediately contacted PayPal, changed my password (and a few others), contacted my bank, and contacted the amusement park as well because they emailed me a link to download the tickets.
I haven’t noticed anything else unusual in my bank accounts or credit cards. I didn’t have the cash in my bank account to cover the almost $500 payment, so the bank returned it NSF and also reimbursed me the NSF fee, thank goodness. The bank account my PayPal account is linked to a personal account (not joint with my dh) that never has more than a couple hundred dollars in it, and I recently got a new credit card and hadn’t updated PayPal, so the credit card info PayPal has is out of date.
Is there anything else I need to do to protect myself? Am I missing anything?
Sydney Bristow
Pull your credit reports from all 3 bureaus at Annual Credit Report dot com. If you haven’t pulled them in the past year, they will be free. Check to make sure there aren’t any new credit accounts that you don’t recognize just in case more than your Paypal account has been compromised.
Anonymous
I would also change the password to any other online accounts that use that e-mail and same or similar password as your Paypal, and run virus/malware scans on your computer to make sure your password wasn’t obtained that way (in which case they could have other passwords/info).
Oh wise ones
Seeking “anecdata.” Anyone ever been on diflucan and had a hard time working out? Side effects say may cause drowsiness. I’m not tired in the traditional sense. I’m currently training for a race and I feel like a slug trying to run and I’m running a minute or two per mile less than my usual time. I also feel winded quicker and don’t have asthma or anything. I asked the pharmacist and got the “anything is possible” response. Anyone else ever had this? I’m taking it for a medical issue beyond the usual “lady thing” and will need to take 3-5 doses which means it might really mess up my training. I also want to make sure it is safe to keep running if I feel so wiped out but again, pharmacist seemed pretty non-nonchalant about it.
Susedna
Yes. Boot him tonight, or as soon as you can get your parents and buff friends, and 911 to be witnesses. Lawyer up if you can’t do the above, legally.
Don’t give this creep more time to plan more strategems. Put him on the defensive.
Then, when the dust settles, take a good long hard look at yourself to see how you missed that he was a disgusting d-bag.
Yes, there were signs, but of course, being in love with someone blinds us to them. But this is so in your future relationships, you don’t pick someone like him. There will be red-flags that you can use in future encounters to determine if future-guy is like current d-bag guy.
Susedna
Ugh. Now having seeing other replies — yes, don’t get your friends and family in his line of fire, figuratively or literally. Didn’t know he was violent on top of being a d-bag. I’m so so sorry you have to deal with this.
I’d seriously consider the restraining order option, making sure you have a safe place to go, changing locks, and lawyering up.
Ex-GF
The thing is, he is not violent at all, not that I know of. That is the dilemma. I have no reasons to fear him other than that he is emotionally unhinged and out of touch with reality, and he owns guns. I wish I could kick him out of my house immediately but I am concerned that he will lash out at me verbally and could veer into the physical lashing as well. But I have no evidence that he would be violent towards me. I do have a safe place to stay forever if I need it (with mom and dad) but obviously I want my own place back ASAP. I have talked it over with a lot of people with varying opinions and I still think I will wait him out until August 31 and then change the locks.
anon
“I have no reasons to fear him other than that he is emotionally unhinged and out of touch with reality, and he owns guns. ”
Those are reasons enough.
Silvercurls
No kidding! Unhinged, out of touch, and armed— sounds like a recipe for disaster, heaven forbid.
I suggest that you contact a local agency that serves people dealing with and/or seeking to escape domestic violence. It would be helpful to hear how an expert–someone who has heard about many difficult situations–reacts to your particular circumstances. Since at present it’s after hours for most of the continental U.S. you can work through the Danger Assessment to get another evaluation. See links below.
The Danger Assessment web page at www (dot) dangerassessment (dot) org
– lists the phone # for the National Domestic Violence Hotline [1-800-799-7233]
– lets you click to see in-state and national US/Canadian DV resources.
The Danger Assessment page offers a series of questions to help evaluate the level of danger in a given situation. ***Its description says “You should know that 10 or more ‘yes’ answers is concerning. Please get in touch with your local domestic violence shelter or call the national domestic violence hotline for more help in staying safe.”***
If the above link doesn’t work:
– go to thedianerehmshow (dot) org (slash) shows (slash) 2013-08-01 (slash) new-efforts-prevent-domestic-homicide
– click on The Danger Assessment
Background: The catalyzing incident that moved several of the program’s guests to action occurred about 10 years ago when a Massachusetts community reexamined its approach to domestic violence after one woman did everything “right” by getting a restraining order, working with local DV advocates and the police–and despite this was killed by her estranged husband.
Please stay safe! Don’t try to go this alone. I’m not trying to dismiss your capabilities as a lawyer and a strong contemporary woman; I’m just trying to keep you well informed and in one piece.
Ex-GF
I took the Danger Assessment and got a “3.” I am not that worried. It is mostly my friends that are worried. I have plenty of resources including parents, friends, money, roots in the community, instant access to legal advice (though you know what they say about representing oneself)… I have read about the MA program and how it has been quite successful in stopping DV before it starts. I wish my state were progressive enough to try this type of program. We pay lip service to our desire to reduce our sky-high DV rates but refuse to actually do the hard work to prevent it. You guys don’t have to worry – I will remain in one piece for the foreseeable future. I may never live with a man again after this whole episode. I’ve been poisoned.
Silvercurls
This is really a reply to Ex-GF’s post (8/1/13 at 7:58 pm) but I don’t see the “reply” icon under her comment…
OK, thanks for the reassurance about your physical safety. Also good to know that you have other resources and other people who care about you. I hope this episode gets resolved soon and without any additional aggravation.
B
I really really hope you’ll be safe through this all. Seconding the part about “emotionally unhinged” is reason enough.
Living in NYC, the morning news is all about women who die at the hands of their emotionally unhinged exes…
Brooklyn Paralegal
I”m very late on this, but if you see it: it seems that you are clearly worried, as you well should be. It’s not smart to take risks with someone so unhinged and, frankly, delusional, especially not someone like that who has access to firearms.
You came here seeking advice, which is understandable, and I’m glad that you did, and you’re concerned enough to want back up with this guy (a smart call), so I’m concerned about the fact that you keep minimizing the threat he poses.
This guy needs to get out of your home, stat. If he’s not on the lease he’s not a tenant. You aren’t renting the place to him, he’s an ex that was living with you. Even if you are an attorney, I would suggest looking into retaining one on your own so that you have someone that can advocate on your behalf while you’re dealing with something very stressful and very emotionally trying, and will struggle with the same thing that you are now because of your past with this guy.
Susedna
@EX-GF
ARGH. Something is broken with replies here. Replies aren’t showing up where they’re supposed to.
Monday
I’ve been having the same problem with misplaced replies.
Kat G
What browser are you guys using to post replies?
Monday
At work it was IE, which was a problem, and now I’m on personal and using Chrome, which seems to work fine.
Jessica Glitter
Anyone have a recommendation for a basket/box to store documents you are working on on your desk. I’m thinking something that could have hanging files sitting it in, but is better than stacks.
I have a desk with file cabinet drawers, but I just can’t get in the habit of using them for things that I am working on constantly.
Cavewoman
Me use piles.
petitesq
::grunts in agreement::
sharpest
piles would be a step up for me. I use the “strewn about across my desk” method
Houston Attny
I like a vertical sorter. Here’s a link to one at Office Max: http://www.officemax.com/office-supplies/literature-holders-sorters/letter-file-sorters/product-prod2550240
Anon
I have a horizonal/vertical sorter that I use. Mine is leather bound and I find it very useful. I hate clutter or disorganization and always put everything away at the end of the day or when I am switching tasks/cases and this makes it easy to have those files at reach.
for SoCal
Not your church!
But if this is something you’re dealing with, I’d love to be in touch off-site if you’re willing to share your experiences. You can email me at ainsleycolle t t e at the gmail. (No spaces.)
FOR SENIOR ATTORNEY
Hoo boy. Reading comprehension fail. Sorry, SoCal–that post was for Senior Attorney. (Though you are also rad and also welcome to be in touch if you want!)
Anonymous Cryer
I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow where I’m going to talk about some things that frustrate me, in the hopes that we can figure out a solution together. I’m looking forward to the meeting, since I think it will really help, but I’m concerned I’m going to cry in it, which will complete ruin any chances of it being productive. I’m the kind of person who cries when I feel any strong emotion (sadness, anger, frustration, anything) and my boss is a man, so I feel like he’s not going to be understanding and if I cry it will just end the conversation
Does anyone have tips for preventing yourself from crying at work, if you’re prone to crying? My friend offered me a xanax, but I’m not thrilled about having to medicate myself to talk to my boss.
Susie
Take a second for some deep breaths, or can you bring some cold water to sip? Also a bit of pain to change your focus for a second – try pinching the bit of skin between your thumb and pointer finger, or bite the inside of your cheek.
Board Member
I recently joined a nonprofit board. I attended a meeting today as a representative of the nonprofit.
I exchanged business cards with others in the room during introductions. But my business card has my law firm info, nothing about the organization I was there for.
Do any of you have extra business cards with like the nonprofit information on it? Would you recommend this?
Wildkitten
other business cards are cheap – if it’s not an ethical issue (I assume it’s not) write the non-profit info on the back of your card.