Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Anela Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Spring must be imminent, because my brain is solely looking for dresses as I’m scrolling online. Hobbs London is one of my favorite British brands and has a reputation for looking far more expensive than it actually is. (It’s a longtime favorite of Kate Middleton’s.)
This jersey dress would be a great springtime option for a more casual office, or for the slew of bridal and baby showers that have suddenly popped up on my calendar.
The dress is $210 at Hobbs and comes in regular sizes 2–18 and petite sizes 2–16.
For lower-priced options, Chaus has several midi dresses in pretty prints around $90; for plus sizes, try this Maggy London print dress for $158. Both are available at Nordstrom.
Sales of note for 3/21/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
- Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
- M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns
How long are midi length dresses going to dominate the stores? This year and 2025? Think we will go back to mostly knee length next year, two years from now?
Hopefully for a long time. This works for me right now.
I hope forever and ever and ever. Buying now to have them last.
Not long, I hope. I look best in above-knee or ankle-length dresses.
Same
looking at netaporter, there are 815 skirts. 404 of those are midi… so i think you’re good for at least a few years. but it does feel like a trend and not a classic style. (197 maxi, 150 mini, and 50 knee.)
Gosh I hope so. Midi-length is super unflattering on me. It’s cute and sort of ironic on The Youth, I just look frumpy.
Are the model’s shoes back in style?? I owned black and beige pairs back in… 2013? Whenever Kate Middleton wore them all the time. Mine bit the dust years ago but I haven’t seen them on anyone else in years.
When I’ve looked at Hobbs’ photos of their items, their styling has always seemed quite conservative to me. I’d not take the use of a certain kind of shoes in their photos as an indicator on-trend shoes.
+1
I was wandering through a Hobbs shop two weeks ago and it was so English country garden party twee. I’m not sure if their international offerings are any more exciting. 5-10 years ago it was quite popular for well cut and slightly stylish work wear but right now it looks more like the frumpy wee sister of Laura Ashley c1985.
I owned them too! I don’t claim to be a style expert, but I haven’t seen any like this lately as I’ve been looking through the espadrille styles for a new pair for summer. Most of those I’ve seen with a closed toe are strappy in the back rather than completely covering the foot. My teenage daughter and her friends were all wearing espadrille sandals at a school event this week, but with a platform sole that was basically flat, and I’m seeing lots of those around.
Co-sign — moving in an espadrille direction, yes. My indestructable patent wedges, sadly no.
I think they’re relatively classic – they’ll never be trendy but also never “dated” the way some styles can be. I loathe ankle ties and so stick with this shape for myself!
I don’t follow trends closely, but these feel pretty dated to me. As the previous poster said, they were everywhere in the early 2010s.
+1
Espadrilles in general are relatively classic, but the shape and style can certainly look dated
Any recommendations for where to buy regular width, on trend, more flat form/platform styles?
I’m in Boston and they are out each spring and summer. I think of them as preppy classic, not trendy. So never out of style but never cutting edge either.
+1
Yup.
As with many things these days, they come in / out of trend, but are always around, particularly in certain circles.
Agree with this. JCrew sells them every year too. They’re frankly the perfect spring and summer brunch/dress shoe.
I feel like wedges in general are dated right now. Platform or flat form espadrilles are definitely in though!
theory is showing wedges again!
Good morning internet friends
I am the Consultant who posted on the marriage counseling post a few weeks ago.
Thank you for all the advice and support.
My husband seems both committed to ending our marriage and really sad about it. He’s mentioned this across two marriage counseling sessions and at home, and last night he told one of his hobby groups about it, so I guess that is it. Yesterday we started discussing mediation topics in marriage counseling but I think retaining a lawyer at this point is the best idea. I am ok with that.
We have three kids ages 7-15 and would like to present this to them as “done” not “we’re figuring things out”. Thoughts on that aspect?
No advice, but I’m sorry. Please keep us all updated.
Cup of Jo had a post on telling your kids not too long ago. It presented a helpful script and the comments were useful too.
Cup of Jo just did some stuff about how to talk to your kids about divorce
On your last question, I’m a child of divorced parents. I think you want the decision to feel “done” – it will be very hard on the kids to feel like a divorce may or may not happen. I don’t think you need all the finer points (custody, etc) figured out and in fact that might upset them more because it’s an even bigger change all at once and they won’t feel consulted.
In case this is on your mind, when my parents got divorced it was hard for a few years and then it got SO much better. Them getting divorced was 100% the right move.
My best friend just got divorced, and the advice she has received constantly is to present it to the kids when it is final, and not to tell the kids you are figuring things out. Her kids are slightly younger than OP, but I agree with Anon at 9:26 that you don’t want to confuse your kids or give them false hope that a divorce might not happen.
Agree with this, and also have as many of the logistics figured out as possible. They’ll want to know where they’ll live, how often they’ll see each parent, and all the nitty-gritty details.
Hugs
Cup of Jo recently posted advice on how to tell your kids about your divorce. She’s been posting more about it on the blog but goes deeper into it on her substack. I’d start there – the comments were largely supportive and kind.
Huge hugs to you, I’m sure this is tough!
I think it might be helpful to tell your kids after you have everything figured out. Is one parent going to stay in the marital home? Are you all going to have to move and cause the kids to change schools? Where is the other parent moving? These are all the things I would want to know if my parents were divorcing. How will this directly affect me and my daily life?
This. My parents are divorced and I am not going to sugar coat it, it was really hard. Uncertainty makes it much harder. Children are selfish. They are going to want to know why – and you should feel free to tell them that is none of their business but that the decision is final. (Hope is really, really hard.) And you should have figured out custody and living arrangements in advance in a realistic way but with minimal possible disruption in their lives, particularly for the teenager.
I’ve thought of your post often, and actually went back and re-read it. This all sounds hard, and it also sounds like you both may be better off pursuing the divorce given how you described current state. Sending good vibes form afar.
Earlier this year, DH was going through a depressive episode. He let me know one of the thing he was struggling with was dealing with some feelings/resentment based on past events. I’ve leaned hard on my support system and therapy these last several weeks and it’s helped me be able to be more aware to give DH the space and attention that can hopefully help him get to a more peaceful place. It’s the classic – I thought I was giving 100% already, but to my partner, it was 40%. I can tell he’s feeling better overall because of some positive changes across other fronts, but dang. Marriage can be so hard.
I had a lightbulb moment in my relationship with my husband who has pretty debilitating depression and anxiety when I realized that my version of “support” is not the same as his version of support. He would say to me “you don’t support me” and I would defensively explain all the ways I was supportive of him. Once I realized he meant “you don’t support me in the way I need” (but wasn’t articulating that very well), I was able to set aside my ego and what I thought was the reasonable perspective (mine) and was better able to be the wife he needs, which has also helped our relationship tremendously and helped me to feel a better connection with him.
My parents simply said “we are getting a divorce”, and opened the floor to questions. They made sure we understood it was a done deal and they would never change their minds by using those exact words when they explained next steps.
How long does it take your company to hire someone, from posting the job description to someone accepting an offer?
I started hiring for a role in January, and we are doing final round interviews this week. It seems like some roles at my job are hiring faster than that, so I just wanted a gauge.
That seems like a pretty normal timeline to me.
Definitely a couple months, about 2-3? Depending on how complicated the position is to staff, sometimes longer. Jan-March doesn’t seem unusual to me.
that seems perfectly normal to me.
State Gov’t here, so we have lots of rules – average 80 – 90 days from posting to hire (longer if you include the time to update a position description, work with HR on language for posting, etc.)
As someone who’s job switched a few times it’s taken anywhere from 6 months to 3 weeks (Big state job vs. FAANG).
2-3 months is normal, if not slightly fast in my experience
It totally depends on the role (the higher up, the longer it generally takes since it requires sign-off from people whose schedules are the tightest). If it’s a role that needs board approval, it can easily add two months or more to the process since it will depend on when they meet. It also depends on the amount of cross-team collaboration associated with the role. SMEs are usually going to go through fewer meeting rounds than roles directing a team. Also will depend on how wide the net goes. If there are a handful of good candidates from internal referrals, it will go faster than if the hiring manager needs to publicly post and wait for HR to do an initial vetting before handing off a group of “potentials” that will then get winnowed down some more. Generally, I would say 4-5 months unless filling the role has some special urgency.
We are faster – more like ~1 month is not unusual, unless something goes wonky in the headcount approval. Or if it’s hard to fill – not getting good applicants. 2-3 months total wouldn’t feel odd; but 2-3 months for an individual candidate means we know there’s a good chance we lose them to another offer. Tech.
I screwed up a friendship and need advice. I recently got an invitation to a party celebrating my friend’s new book (let’s call her Susie) and I declined to go because I didn’t feel like it – I wish I had a better reason but that’s the truth, that I just didn’t want to make the effort to dress up because I’ve been feeling tired and burnt out. Work has been crazy. I told her I wasn’t going to be able to come, didn’t say why, and I think she assumed I was out of town or something. It turns out that I bumped into a mutual friend at the store the day of the party and that friend told Susie she saw me (from what I understand, it was in a friendly way and not “tattling” on me or anything). Well, according to that friend, the party was a big deal – I guess I didn’t realize how important it was, but there was local press in attendance, Susie’s entire family, speeches, the works. It turns out that I missed a pretty big life event and Susie knows I was in town.
When I had declined going to the party, I had sent a text saying “but let’s get some coffee soon!” and Susie didn’t respond to that or to two follow-ups about two weeks later. I reached out to the mutual friend and she told me (bluntly) that it was a mistake to act like scheduling a coffee date could make up for missing a huge life event and she wasn’t surprised Susie wasn’t prioritizing it. Her words stung but they also hit home – I kind of knew that was the issue as soon as I saw the local press about the book. I feel bad and I want to apologize to Susie, but I can’t take back that I didn’t go to the party and that I wasn’t there to share in her excitement when I know how long the road to publication has been. I also (unfortunately) realize that this isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this – I’ve missed a number of other events over the years and I fear that this looks like a pattern now, including the coffee-to-assuage-my-conscience attempt. “I was tired” also feels like a tepid excuse, which it was. Ugh. How do I phrase the apology to take all that into account? How do I make this right? Knowing Susie, she’ll likely forgive me eventually even if I do nothing, but I don’t want to do that.
I think before you go dragging Susie into this, figure out for yourself why you do this and if you actually have any intention of changing and what your plan to change is. Very obviously this was a big deal and my take away from your post if you just don’t care to be friends with Susie.
I absolutely do intend to change. I screwed up, I know that. But I care about this friendship and don’t want a selfish night on my part to ruin it forever.
Sounds like it’s more than one night, though. I think whether this friendship survives or not is largely Susie’s decision at this point.
I’m concerned that you said you missed a number of other events over the years. It sounds like a pattern and in all honesty, if you were my friend, I’d use the term friend very very loosely at this point. Your behavior is especially frustrating is a world where we only celebrate women for their weddings and babies and never for their personal accomplishments like writing a book!!! I’m mad at you on behalf of your friend!
That being said, if you really want to repair these friendships, you have to act on it. I’d write her a long text or email and explain yourself while saying how much the friendship means to you and how you can make it up to her, and it’s not coffee! I’m all for boundaries and self care and staying home when you need to, but not for something this big. You need to make a conscious effort to change your behavior and prove to yourself and your friends that these friendships are important to you.
This. I’m married with kids and SUPER aware of the fact that my single/child free friends don’t get the big hullabaloo for their (amazing!) achievements – buying homes as single women, changing jobs, publishing books, etc.
I’d send flowers, champagne, and a heartfelt note apologizing and telling her how amazing you think she is.
I feel like now, if you mean something, you need to write it out with a pen on actual paper. The woman wrote a book! You owe her more than a text.
But it wasn’t a selfish night! Putting aside the pattern of behavior, you turned this event down weeks ahead of time. It was a conscious decision to decide that resting in the future was more important than celebrating a major accomplishment of your friend.
Right? If you caught COVID or were feeling ill on the day of, that is one thing. People forgive illness. This was premeditated.
Right. The correct move is to stop by, congratulate her, and have a glass of champagne.
+1
Are you someone who ever attends big events? I know not everyone is, but I think it’s better to know than to pretend or to attend inconsistently and miserably. If you’re fine with events, but “work being crazy” leaves you this tired and burned out, I’d consider whether you need to discuss this with a doctor.
As for the friendship, it sounds like you haven’t been completely checked out if you know how long and hard she worked on this, but you were just prioritizing how you felt in the moment. Can you send flowers or have her over for dinner or take her out for drinks or somehow make a bigger gesture?
Oof. First of all, I commend you for realizing the mistaking and wanting to make it right. So many people almost feel like friendships should maintain themselves, and it’s a huge step to realize that’s not true.
Since she’s a writer, do you think she’d appreciate a handwritten card? I think you should present the apology in whatever form you think she’d best receive it— be that letter, text, phone call. I wouldn’t even tell her I was tired the day of. I would just say something like — “I now realize what a huge life event and accomplishment your book party was. I am so sorry I didn’t come. I’d love to celebrate you now and your future accomplishments.” And then take her somewhere special, not just coffee. A nice dinner or even a manicure in a spa or something. And— this is VERY important— do show up for her in the future. That is the most important part. Apologize and actually change your behavior to show her you value the friendship.
I think your script is written really well, but I might add something like “I was a mega bonehead for not realizing that earlier.” I think some self-deprecating humor would be helpful.
Be honest, forthright, and contrite. “Susie, I’m so very sorry for missing your party — it was a huge milestone for you, and I’m so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. I don’t have any excuse, but I’d like to make it up to you if I can. I screwed up. And I’m very sorry.”
And then she gets to decide when/how/if to handle it.
Yup. Good for you for recognizing you screwed up, but it’s also her right to decide she wants to take a step back from the friendship.
This. And not to rub it in because you seem to get you screwed up, but so much of life is showing up. I don’t care if you’re a little tired or jealous or whatever, go to the parties, go to the celebrations. It matters if you want to maintain friendships.
Yeah if someone is so tired and burned out that no one who actually cared about them would expect them to attend, they need medical help. These kinds of events aren’t supposed to be an ordeal. If they’re a physical or psychological ordeal, something is wrong somewhere.
This. So much of life is showing up. I’m getting exhausted with friends who can’t get over their inertia to attend things they said they were excited about and value – the group will fall apart if you can’t find a little activation energy.
I think you should apologize and be very honest. “Susie, I made a mistake. I knew how long and hard the publication of your book was, and how important it was to you to celebrate this huge accomplishment in your life, and I did not prioritize going to your book launch. There is no excuse for that. I’m sorry and I’m committed to showing up for you going forward. I know it doesn’t make up for missing the launch party, but I would like to [insert celebratory thing] for you.”
And then do something with her that is appropriately festive – treat her to dinner, a spa day, engage in a hobby of hers that she enjoys, etc.
it doesn’t ‘look like’ a pattern, it is a pattern. Honestly if I was Susie, whatever you say wouldn’t mean much. Actually showing up for her & celebrating her is what will make a difference.
I would send a huge bouquet/champagne/whatever will be meaningful & celebratory to her with a note congratulating her & simply acknowledging you SHOULD have been at the launch party. Also – BUY the book if you haven’t already, leave a thoughtful, positive review everywhere you can.
And – some self reflection on what is going on with you that “I didn’t feel like it” felt like a worthy excuse to not go to this. Like, objectively, obviously it was a big milestone? Dig into that.
+1
I get it since I am an introvert who doesn’t feel 100% the next day if I don’t get my downtime at night, particularly if it follows a meeting-heavy day. But a book launch party is pretty obviously a huge deal, not a “hey stop by if you can make it” kind of thing, and worth pushing through that discomfort.
Actions speak louder than words here – you’re going to have to respond with something more concrete than just an apology.
yeah, unless your friend is Elin Hilderbrand and this is like her 20th bestselling novel, a book launch is pretty obviously a HUGE deal.
Yeah I’m not sure if I would get over it. People mentioned the marriage/babies vs other accomplishment thing over it, and I would feel that since I show up for everyones everything it would be notable if they missed something like this or didn’t realize that it was a big deal. Why wouldn’t it be a big deal?
On the other hand even a small measure can mean a lot. My big event like this happened during the pandemic so there couldn’t be a party and a cousin made me a congratulations banana bread (one of my favorite foods). I think about it regularly and really appreciate it especially since I planned her bachelorette etc
I can’t wrap my head around how you didn’t know this was a big deal. Your friend wrote an entire stinkin’ book and got it published, and you couldn’t be bothered to get dressed and celebrate with her? I’m just not buying that you didn’t know it was a big deal. Maybe it is time to move on, make new friends and figure out why you keep doing this. But if you want to salvage this one, I’ll say that if I were your friend, your failure to show up for no reason would look like jealousy. Maybe try something to counteract that look and celebrate her book’s success; send her pictures of it in a bookstore; buy a dozen copies to send to everyone in your family; or atttend a book-signing event nearby and bring a crowd with you.
Yeah, same. I feel like it’s such a well known fact that publishing a book is a huge deal these days that I have a hard time buying that you didn’t know.
Honestly, I have a law school acquaintance who published some children’s books, and I congratulate her on it the once-every-two-years our old group gets a group lunch, and that’s it. That’s the level of friendship that this is acceptable for. Not a close friend.
+1 it’s a book launch, of course it’s a BFD! You even say you know how long and hard the publishing process is. How is it not a huge deal?!
Do you even like Susie that much? Repeatedly not being there for big things and picking “I don’t feel like it” over a really important event suggests maybe not. If you don’t, stop stringing her along and let the friendship end.
OP here and luckily, I’ve never missed something else as big as this. The pattern I was referring to was for smaller events over a long period of time – I missed an Easter egg hunt one year, for example. I’m actually not even sure this would register to Susie because there have been plenty of events I’ve attended. But not making excuses – even smaller events can constitute a pattern and it bothers me even if I don’t know for sure if it bothers her.
Trust me, Susie is aware of your blowing off pattern. She’s probably also shocked that you took it to a new level of blowing off her book launch so you could spend an evening, I don’t know, binging something on Netflix?
in addition to all the good scripts suggested above — have you actually bought her book? If not, do so! and tell her you did! As an author, I really appreciate that.
+1 to this. Buy the book! A friend published a children’s book and I offered to have her read at my kid’s school assembly (I’m on the PTA and can coordinate that) and buy a bunch of copies for the school library. It didn’t work out with schedules for her to come to the school but she was so touched that I pre-ordered the books (this is apparently a big thing for authors? I wasn’t aware) and told me very few friends even bothered to do that.
OP – I think you’re great to want to change. Your awareness and willingness is a great first step.
As an aside (not to OP), I’m always surprised that many in this and the Moms community are asking about “how to make more friends/build community”, and then quickly opt out of things when they “don’t feel like it” or it’s not ideal state. This is more a comment about a trend I’ve noticed. I wonder what it is.
+100000000
Oftentimes people ask how to make friends and don’t seem to understand a friendship is a relationship. You have to maintain it, just like you would a romantic relationship. This means being there for each other consistently.
As to why people are like this, I think part of it is generally a loss of community and a focus on the nuclear family in our society. Thats all I can think of.
Honestly, this site is part of the problem – I feel like I’ve seen “an invitation is not a summons” 45,000 times here and usually in the context of weddings, universally acknowledged as important life events.
Beyond that, I do think people are really tired, especially women. They’re doing so much work and so much that is unpaid, especially when they have elder care situations. It doesn’t surprise me that people have a lot of demands on their energy.
I think an invitation is not a summons is appropriate for weddings of your second cousin who you haven’t seen in a decade, not close friends that you want to maintain especially when the event doesn’t require PTO, flights and hotels.
And sometimes, if you can afford it financially and logistically, close friends you want to maintain require PTO/flights/hotels even when you’re otherwise overwhelmed by life.
Yea this is a trend among a lot of women I’ve met through events for meeting friends as women in our 30’s. A lot of women say they want good girlfriends but flake out. I have had friends for 1-3 years and they all end up showing their true colors eventually.
I agree it’s important to show up for your friends. But I’m not quite sure why being in town the day of the event doesn’t mean that you couldn’t have had an important prior engagement, or even just something that you’d committed to in advance. I’d just reiterate how devastated you were not to be able to come and offer to take her out to dinner/a spa or something to celebrate her achievement.
Not trying to nit pick, but I don’t think OP should say again she couldn’t come. She could, but she chose not to. Any sincere apology should be an true apology without any excuse or hint of one about why she wasn’t there.
I agree with this take! Also, it sounds like maybe this is a self-published book or something personal for your friend, rather than a traditional actual book? A book published by a major publisher wouldn’t have speeches, just a reading or Q and A maybe — this sounds more like a personal fete-ing. Which is fine and feels important to your friend, but also maybe requires a bit of context… and I wonder if there’s a bit of anxiety or insecurity on Susie’s part as well, maybe about the publishing? I’ve gone to a number of book releases and readings by friends and acquaintances, and they were always happy about the people there, not resentful of whoever couldn’t make it for whatever reason… a book is a big accomplishment, but a book launch is not an unmissable event (which I would also say about e.g. a baby shower — the thing to celebrate is the baby in the world, not the party for it…)
OMG you’re reading way too much into all of this.
I’m not sure why the leap to the book being self-published. A friend just published her first novel (with an agent and a real publisher) and our local bookstore threw her a book launch party that included speeches. I actually wondered if she was Susie after reading this post!
Maybe this is a small city thing (I live in a college town of about 100k and I can see how it would be different in NYC or LA where people write novels every day and city-wide excitement about one person isn’t really a thing), but it’s definitely possible in a smaller community.
Yeah, I think this is important – although Susie is probably disappointed that you didn’t come, and WE know you didn’t have other obligations, Susie doesn’t, and I hope is giving you the benefit of the doubt. I think that you should sent her a belated congratulations gift though – champagne, card, flowers, whatever makes sense, and then actually put some effort into scheduling a get together with her, not just a coffee sometime text. Figure out when you’re free and invite her somewhere. If she can’t make that, suggest another alternative. The onus is on you to put the effort in of initiating and following up. If she declines all invites and doesn’t sound enthused, then give her some space and try again in a month or two. If that goes nowhere as well, then it’s possible the relationship can’t be saved.
There are a couple of ways you can go with this.
One is groveling. And don’t try to make excuses when you do so (“but I was tired” ain’t it.)
The second, is to not add to Susie’s disappointment further by bothering her right now. She needs time and space. You may not be friends anymore after this, but you have to leave that up to her.
I agree with your earlier point that you need to figure out why this is a pattern for you. Don’t drag Susie into it.
+1 don’t make this about you, OP. Send the flowers/champagne or whatever to celebrate her accomplishment. Don’t grovel, don’t talk about why you didn’t come. Just privately resolve to show up more in the future and do so. Or, if you don’t like to invite people to gather to mark life events and don’t go to life events, that can be ok too. I’d much rather a friend who kept in touch one on one and was a little odd and didn’t do big gatherings than one who made a big deal about missing them or tried to go and couldn’t handle big events.
OP did two things right 1) declined the invitation in a timely fashion and 2) didn’t say why. This meets the floor for being polite. I wish more people would meet this floor! For now, Susie can still assume you had something unavoidable that was important, but private (like minor outpatient surgery that afternoon or being in the midst of a major episode of depression and having enough self-awareness to know that OP wouldn’t be better enough to attend in a few weeks).
To grovel would be to assume that OP’s absence was really hurtful to Susie on her big day when she had tons of loved ones around. If OP was Susie’s parent or partner, that might be appropriate, but otherwise it just makes Susie’s very successful big day about OP missing it. It sounds like it was a wonderful success and OP shouldn’t assume that Susie missed her all that much!
I’d rather my friends be there for me as much as they can. I stop reaching out to friends who apologize a lot for not being there, but don’t actually take time to reach out to me. OP, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You can improve by showing up more and not countering invitations like this with “but lets do coffee,” but if I was Susie I really wouldn’t be nearly as hurt as what a lot of commenters are suggesting.
+1
If you didn’t care enough to go listen to your gut and step back from the friendship. It sounds like you are upset because someone is mad at you and as women we want to fix that, not because she is such a great friend. If she were you would have been there. Do a lot of big things happen for her? It be annoying to constantly get pulled into other people’s big wonderful things when you have nothing going on.
I don’t think it’s a woman thing. People are sooo sensitive to others being mad at them. You’re supposed to feel uncomfortable and bad if you do something wrong! I think people are so averse to that feeling that they often times turn it around and get mad at the person who’s made them feel this way. (This isn’t about OP of this post, just about the world at large.)
You’re a flake, plain and simple! Losing friendships happen when you repeatedly miss events.
I think you need a gesture as well. I’m currently pretty burnt out with my job so I get the not being able to handle being around more people and small talk. Send a written note with heartfelt congrats, note that you should have been more conscious of the importance of attending but you were so burnt out that it didn’t register, and that to make it up to her you have purchase 10 copies to donate two to teach of your closest 5 libraries or whatever other gesture.
Honestly, omit the talk about yourself. Focusing on you is what got you here.
This
+1
Ehh, I don’t think saying this would go over well.
Most libraries sell donated books, they don’t add them to their collections unless it is a book they specifically want.
OP, I’m taking you seriously when you say that you’re feeling tired and burned out. That is your reality right now. When your are burned out, by definition you are too overextended to meet all your obligations and perceived obligations. If Susie is a true friend and cares about you, she might eventually understand that.
As far as your friendship though — it sounds like you’ve been too absorbed in your own life and preoccupations to notice that the book launch was a BIG DEAL for Susie. This does not make you wrong, or selfish — but Susie has noticed that on some level. When you said “but let’s do coffee instead,” she may have felt you minimized how big of a deal the book launch was for her. If I were Susie, that’s the part that would sting for me. It would sting even if you came to the event but somehow signaled you didn’t understand it was a BIG DEAL for me. You are probably right that if you missed other events with Susie in the past she may be perceiving that as part of a pattern.
What can you do to center Susie’s perspective instead of yours, so you can put yourself in her shoes for a moment? I suspect the key to repairing/preserving your relationship is there, since you are the one who knows Susie. Anybody else can only make guesses.
Wishing both you and Susie the best!
Does anyone have lodging recommendations for Bend, Oregon? We are considering meeting another family there over July 4 (or possibly earlier if there isn’t availability then). We’d be most interested in some kind of camp-style set-up where each family has its own small cabin at the same location. I’ve stayed in those types of places before and it would be perfect for this visit, if we can find something. We’d want to do hiking, swimming, outdoor dining, and other outdoor things while there. Any ideas?
No recommendations, but so jealous – I went to the Bend / Sunriver area every summer as a kid and it was magical. Do a day trip out to South Twin Lake for a beautiful mountain lake that’s easy for kids to swim in and no motor boats are allowed.
Black Butte Ranch is about 30 minutes from Bend they have smaller cabins to big houses. hey have a bunch of pools. bike paths, kids camp activities (or they did 10 yeaea ago…) I worked there in college and always thought it would be a fun vacation when I had the money to enjoy it! I’m not as familiar with Sunriver (south of Bend) but I think it’s similar. i would always pick the sisters/black butte area over Sunriver because of the location, but I’m biased. be sure to hit the lava tube, fall river fish hatchery is fun for kids, you can also drive u MacKenzie highway to walk amongst the lava flow.
My husband’s family went to Black Butte Ranch often decades ago. There are a lot of house options so you should be able to find the right one for you. They book out a ways, so you’d want to plan sooner than later.
we are going to Brasada Ranch at that time. Might be a bit more upscale that what you are envisioning
I’m not familiar with that type of camp set up exactly, but Sunriver is the closest resort area with condos, bike paths, swimming, etc and may be what you are looking for. Black Butte is similar but more expensive (also prettier in my opinion). Suttle Lake has a lodge that may have condos- it’s maybe 45 min from Bend, closer to Black Butte and Sisters. There’s an amazing trailhead at the pass just before Suttle Lake.
Thanks all!!
Last year, my husband and I stayed at the Oxford Hotel which is very nice.
I love this pick!
We will be completely renovating our master bathroom in a few months. Hit me up with your wish list for your master bathroom!
We won’t be having a bathtub. No space plus we prefer showers.
Thanks !!
Heated floors!
+1. This is the best thing we did in our bathrooms.
In my dream bathroom I would have lots of shelves in the shower for products and a bench or built-in place to sit to shave my legs. And drawer space with custom organizers for all my hair tools and makeup.
Shower that’s big enough but not too big (they get cold!); perfect ledge at foot height for shaving; tankless hot water heater so you never run out
I did the trendy minimalist rain shower head only thing in my shower and while aesthetically it gives me great joy, it is functionally a PITA. Recommend getting a fixed rain shower head + one of the detachable / hand held ones because you don’t realize until you can’t do it how often you want to use the shower head to wash the dog / wash the walls / spray water at your legs directly / have a shower without getting your hair wet / etc.
Also, I was at a fancy hotel a few years ago and they had jets that came out of the wall and sprayed water at you like a car wash and that was very fun, especially since if you have two people in the shower at the same time, one of you isn’t freezing.
Oh that reminds me, in my dream shower I’d make it for two people. My husband and I shower together a lot and it is annoying to have to constantly rotate. A double shower would be so nice.
We put a double shower in when we remodeled our master bath and I love it! It is so nice not to have to rotate when we’re both trying to get ready for work in the morning.
If you will have multiple shower heads, be sure that you have sufficient water pressure to generate a water flow that will satisfy you. I lived in a house with a gorgeous shower with multiple heads, but using more than one was impossible because the flow was not much more than a trickle.
Heated floors, built in shelving/niches for products, a small seat/bench, a handheld shower attachment. We also don’t have a tub so we splashed out on the shower – fancy glass and a Perrin & Rowe “Thermostatic Shower Package” which is gorgeous and my favorite thing in our bath.
I’d also make sure you have plenty of hooks/towel bars and include electrical outlets inside your bathroom cabinetry. It is SO nice that my husband can charge his ugly sonic cleaner for the nightguard inside the cabinet and not out on the countertop, ditto with charging electric toothbrushes inside the cabinets.
Love my Built in niches. I’ve done two bathroom remodels in two houses and added them in both. I have two. If I could fit a third I would. They’re between the studs so that width and close to 1.5 times as tall so they fit those Costco sized shampoo bottles.
Oh, outlets IN the cabinets is genius! Goodbye shaving implements covering the counters.
Locate your shampoo niche on a wall other than the one you see looking straight-on at your shower through the beautiful glass doors. Otherwise, your beautiful marble tile will be marred by an array of ugly, mismatched plastic containers.
If there’s no going back, decant your stuff into prettier containers and add a plant.
+1000 – we did this and all the products are nicely hidden on the wall you only see if you’re standing flat against the wall oppos-te the shower. LOVE IT.
This right here.
Amdn to this. Ask me how I know. Finally got it right on my third bathroom remodel.
Heated floors and a Toto Washlet and I love them both so much.
Linen closet for towel and stuff storage; robe hooks next to shower in case towel bars are further afield. Make sure you can turn on the water without getting wet.
+1 to turning on the water without getting wet! It’s amazing how I can do this in my crappy 60s apartment, yet when I’ve stayed in hotels with fancy showers, you practically have to put your whole body into the shower to turn the water on.
This is my main hotel pet peeve, and it’s in hotels like the Four Seasons! I don’t understand how more people aren’t annoyed by it.
I have simple wishes – electrical outlets. Dedicated pull out storage for blow dryer, curling iron, etc. like at dry bar. Low light, night time lighting options so I can make my way to the bathroom without turning on the sun.
This is so big for me! I want blinding light to do my makeup by in the morning and gentle light for nighttime ha.
We have a skylight in our shower and love it- it feels like an outdoor shower. I also love having a mirrored medicine cabinet off the side of the sink (so it’s not swinging open in my face). And lots of space around the sink- I opted for one sink instead of a double because I didn’t want to deal with things falling off all the time. I think a heated towel rack would be nice if you have room.
Yes and a small solar tube style one works just fine. I love mine!
I once had an apartment with a window that I could open in the shower (it was shoulder height so nothing was showing), but I LOVED being able to open the window and feel like I was in an outdoor shower
Heated towel racks.
– Make sure that the cubby holes in the shower walls are tall enough for large shampoo bottles AND the pumping kind of bottles (and that you can reach the top of the cubbyhole to pump the shampoo).
– Install outlet covers with USB ports in addition to regular outlets.
– Frameless glass shower enclosure.
– Marble (or similar) thresholds between the flooring in the bathroom and the flooring in the bedroom.
– Marble (or similar) tall baseboards (looks nice and easy mopping).
Bidet! Other people mentioned heated floors. We don’t have those, but we do have heat lamps in our house, and those are nice for chilly days too. They serve a double purpose since the red bulbs don’t irritate your eyes as much if you have to turn on a light in the middle of the night.
For one, a window. I hate how steamy my windowless bathroom gets. I do love my heated floors, huge mirror and recessed in-wall shelf all along the base of the mirror. YMMV but I hardly ever use my towel warmer.
All the built in storage—cabinets, drawers, a cabinet with a plug so I can hide my hair tools while also leaving them plugged in. A large countertop area. Maybe a built in vanity area? It might be nice to do my makeup somewhere other than my tiny medicine cabinet mirror.
Heated floors! Dimmable lighting. Pretty mirrors that aren’t the wall-of-mirror type.
Separate controls for shower temperature and water flow, which can be reached without stepping into the shower. Large ledge for shaving your legs that you can reach while keeping your body under the shower head. You should be able to open the shower door inwards so that it can air out without the door jutting into your bathroom. Proper lighting above your mirror to eliminate shadows while doing makeup. Outlets for hair appliances that don’t require the cord to snake past the sink. Hand towels mounted near the sink so you don’t drip on the floor or counter. Soft close cabinets and drawers. Pull-out laundry hamper. If you have dark hair then avoid solid white flooring at all costs.
Bidet, proper ventilation (a fan and a window), a non-pedestal sink (so you have proper storage), and a shower you can turn on without getting wet. Minimize areas with grout to make cleaning easier later.
A hand-held shower head (in addition to the regular one if you can) is really helpful if or when you have someone who needs special accomodations. Like after I had a surgery and couldn’t get my shoulder wet, I could still wash my bottom half with the hand-held device. Likewise, when a relative was in a bad accident and had to use a shower chair, the hand-held made bathing much easier.
If you plan to age in this house, consider building a shower without a lip so you could either roll someone into it from the bathroom or the person would not have to step up and over the usual shower threshold.
Toilet paper holders that don’t use a spring mechanism to stay in place are so much easier to change, especially, again, with aging or any kind of permanent or temporary disability. I like the ones that are like an arm – you swing the holder up, put on a new roll, and swing it down and into place.
Consider the grout you put in and how easy or hard it will be to keep clean.
Outlets. More outlets. Too many bathrooms don’t have enough outlets or they’re poorly placed.
Good morning! I’m asking for host gift suggestions. We are flying with small children and will be staying one night with a very generous family friend. What kind of gift can we bring that is not heavy and will not take up too much space? Thanks, wise hive!
I’ve never brought a physical hostess gift when I was flying to someone. People understand you don’t have space. Treat them to a nice meal while you’re there?
flowers to be delivered the day you leave; pretty coasters; luxe snacks from your area; a toy for their kids if they have them?
I would do flowers the day you arrive; otherwise it seems like you didn’t bring anything.
Gift card to fancy local restaurant
I think the problem with a gift card is it makes the stay seem very transactional. Like you’re paying to stay at a friend’s place. I don’t know, this is probably one of those things where some people don’t feel that way at all, but that’s how I would feel about it.
Yeah it feels that way to me too.
I love gift cards and don’t find them transactional. I like being able to use them when I want on what I want. It would be especially nice for a restaurant that I might not normally try. Include a heartfelt note with the gift card.
Your area’s local snacks/candy.
Some kind of food you think they’d actually like that’s local to you (e.g. chocolate). Then send something bigger afterwards as a thank you.
Tea towels from your area that are made locally or have some kind of decoration specific to where you live. Tea towels are really easy to pack and will not take up excess space, because they fold flat.
sorry disagree with this one. That stuff is only fun if it’s your own souvenir from a trip, not someone else’s local map or whatever.
Agreed
Send flowers the day you reach, and maybe after you’ve left as well?
This is what I do, flowers for the day I arrive. My suitcase space is valuable.
Nice chocolates or bakery cookies from a local shop. Always, always, always consumables for host gifts unless you know for a fact its something the host will love and have space for.
Local candy, preferably chocolate unless it’ll be very hot.
I have a really busy and stressful time at work coming up. I will need to be on months of Zoom calls and look completely in control and put together.
I was thinking of buying myself a GOOD LIPSTICK tm and putting it on before the calls as moment of mental preparation/armor application. I’m looking for something that’s cream based and easier to apply (will do it at the desk). I have one discontinued lipstick with a substantial case that feels nice in the hand, and I’m looking for that. I’m willing to get a little spendy. I want to try and feel like a woman who has it all under control (and not the harried person that I worry comes through.)
If you have specific colors recs, I’m fair, with red undertones and almost no yellow/olive, with medium to light hair and blue eyes.
Tl;dr: help me use the power of placebo and lipstick to succeed professionally.
Check out OliviasaurausRex on Insta/TikTok. She’s very fair, cool-toned with blue eyes and light hair. She’s reviewed lipsticks from Givenchy, Gucci, YSL, etc.
Dior lip glow in the pale pink shade. It is just enough color to show up but light enough that I can apply it without a mirror.
I don’t have a recommendation because I have a completely different skin tone, but I highly recommend this technique. Especially when WFH. And I read somewhere that lipstick helps people pay more attention to what you’re saying, so that helps too.
HUDA beauty has lovely matt lipsticks that are non drying. They look fab onscreen.
Wishing you success in the upcoming months! It sounds like we have similar coloring, though I do have some red tones in my hair. I have a Kosas lipstick I love in the shade “Undone.” This shade is discontinued, but it looks like Kosas is recommending the new shade “Turned On” as an equivalent. Kosas lipstick is great in general. I also have a Tarte Maracuja Juicy Lip Creme in “Mauve.” I don’t know if you would find this too subtle. I like it for everyday wear.
I’m a different season but also have fair skin with neutral undertones – I like Nars Save the Queen (pretty pink). If you’re older you’re supposed to go more towards pinks than reds.
I love the Clarins shade Joli Rouge (705–soft berry), it’s a rosewood pink with a hint of brick that is satin, goes on very light, is buildable, and is a great MLBB, I actually have it at my desk right now! My mother had a little sample size/travel size and I used it entirely up! It’s been a staple since the 90s I think.
I’d also recommend Lisa Eldridge for her lovely substantial bullets and beautiful, unique formulas. Painterly is particularly lovely but more matte and more saturated (all her lipsticks are more saturated and less sheer).
I like Nars Powermatte in American Woman. I think it’s pretty neutral but still pops enough on Zoom.
Chantecaille Lip Chic is like lipstick and lip gloss had the perfect baby. Some of the seemingly bright or intense colors are actually somewhat sheer, so it would be helpful if you can get to a counter to swatch them. If not, I am fully convinced that the “Bourbon Rose” color is universally flattering.
Tom Ford Spanish Pink
What are your thoughts on earning an “Executive” MBA?
I am am an attorney working in-house and reporting to the GC. I really like my employer, but I will never be GC, in part because the current GC is probably here to stay and because I won’t relocate. I am wondering if an MBA would give me a shot at advancing into senior management outside of the legal department. A lot of the C-suite dudes (and they are all dudes) are alums of a particular university and there seems to be something of a brotherhood there. The university has an executive MBA program that seems well-regarded and doable.
I should probably add the context that I am bearing down on a major life transition. I will be an empty nester soon. I am sort of flopping around wondering what my life is going to look like in two years. I am also considering getting certified as a yoga instructor – so maybe I am not quite as focused as I need to be right now.
Anyway – are executive MBAs taken seriously? Is it worth my while?
Eh…how old are you? I would say probably not, unless you plan to use the network of the business school to get a new job. Have you worked in any roles outside the legal department? That will be your biggest barrier, not the lack of MBA. Further, how senior are you talking and in what capacity? If you want to be a CFO, you don’t need an MBA, you’ll need something like a CPA or more financial training. Do you want to be the head of marketing? Lack of MBA won’t be a barrier but lack of experience will. COO? You need progressively more senior operational experience.
Source: I’ve been in the C-suite at several large organizations and do not have an MBA or business degree of any kind.
Not worth the time. I’m a GC and have had staff leave to run business units and not a one had an executive or regular MBA. They all got to know the business line very well and made deep relationships with the people in them. I’d spend your time on learning your company’s actual business and networking internally.
I had a friend who got one because her JD was not from a good school and she thought the MBA would add gravitas to her if a GC or other C level opportunity became available. She is so well-regarded that I thought she was nuts for adding a degree, but she insisted that it would be a thing for her board and any other board approving a higher-level hire. So it is either a thing or definitely perceived as a thing. I’d at least investigate it. No harm in looking.
The only reason to get an executive MBA is if it will help you advance with your current employer and your employer will pay for it. An executive MBA does not have the same cachet as a full-time MBA from a top school, and you will not get the same job placement benefit. Executive MBAs are really just a cash cow for universities.
This. If you have the time and energy, and your company will pay for it, why not? But I would not pay out of pocket for a program unless I had a very specific trajectory in mind, which it sounds like you do not.
I’ve read everybody else’s replies and largely agree with them. I’m here to add a comment about culture – if the C-suite are literally *all dudes*, I would suggest you consider how the likelihood that you (I assume not a dude) would be invited to join that club, MBA or not. I don’t want to sound discouraging, but if you have ambitions to move up I think this may be a relevant factor.
I’ve realized that I am very unhappy in my job. Our organization is a hot mess due to political factors outside my control, and I don’t see it getting better. I am currently a mid-level manager. Unfortunately for me, I am figuring out pretty quickly that I’m no longer qualified for quite a few of the specialist positions because I gave up a good chunk of the technical parts of the work to focus on managing and leadership. (I am providing feedback on the technical work and am generally knowledgeable, but I’m not “in it” anymore like people who do this all day, every day.) And I don’t necessarily want to continue in a leadership role; I would truly be fine with taking a step back and the pay cut that comes along with that. Ugh. I’m in my early 40s and feeling very adrift in my career. Any words of advice or solidarity?
Stick with it and aim to move up not down. Middle management is the hardest, moving up will make your life better in so many ways. Hang in there.
I’m in a similar spot, but am at the VP level. I’m at a small company and am trying to get myself psyched up for job hunting. Solidarity (and maybe also a note that it doesn’t necessarily get better as you move to senior leadership roles, unfortunately).
OP here, and believe me, I don’t want that life. I see the stuff my boss has to deal with, and no freaking thank you!
I need help getting toned! I want to incorporate weight training/exercising in a way that makes me toned. I am fairly thin already (size 0-2) but don’t exercise, so I am skinny fat if that makes sense. What is a good way to start exercising? I am ok with doing it at home or finding a class. Basically looking for the most efficient way to get toned.
To me, getting toned means building muscle. The most efficient way to do that is to do Olympic lifts like squat, deadlift, overhead press and bench. You will probably need to join a gym. If you’ve never done weight lifting you need a trainer at first to teach you the correct form. If you stick with it, you will very likely gain some weight, so be prepared for that. I’m currently using the Ladder app in my garage gym. Before that I did 5×5 Stronglifts. That’s honestly the most efficient program I’ve ever done (I’ve done CrossFit too) but it’s boring. My husband is a personal trainer though so he taught me all the basic lifts. I think you really need someone physically there with you to start out. Good luck! Let us know what you pick!
This is cliche at this point, but the most efficient way to get toned aka build muscle is whatever non-cardio exercise you will do on the regular. Do you prefer to work out alone? With a group? At home? In a gym? Do you need loud music and rhythm, or relative quiet and focus?
One thing I will note, being at the end of a recomposition effort myself, is that what *looks good* often feels QUITE different on the body. I am a longterm longform cardio fan and have recently put a lot of effort into building muscle, especially in my upper body. My arms look BOMB but they FEEL so much bigger than they actually are – both because they are slightly bigger but also because the muscle is so much less compressible.
If you’re able to throw some money at it, go see a personal trainer who can prepare a plan for you. You don’t have to keep going long-term, but it’s easy to injure yourself with weights if you don’t know what you’re doing. A PT can teach you the right form and how to do it without hurting yourself and then you can take that home and carry on. Also, what works for different people varies, but PTs are literally trained at knowing what is the right thing to do for your goals.
You sound exactly like me! I love yoga and running but also started going to barre classes again recently to tone up and my arms, abs and bum feel so much better after a few months of consistently going to classes 2-3 times a week. I’d go to a class or get a few sessions with a private trainer to make sure I have the correct form.
Barre is great!
I like barre type classes for this reason too.
I like the workout programs from Fitness Blender. Highly recommend doing strength training.
Pilates is the best toning for women that’ve found. Even a mat work class is fine, you don’t need the reformer when you start.
I’ve done swimming, yoga, lifting at gym with personal trainer, rowing etc but I always end up back with pilates as the most definition for the least time commitment.
+1 to Pilates. I’ve been going regularly since January and have noticed a big difference. The number of the scale hasn’t really moved, but everything is much firmer/flatter/less bloated
The core work has really helped my posture at my desk which has in turn helped by back pain as well.
i am similar to you and wanted to get toned without bulk. yoga and pilates. just doing balance poses / planks has defined my whole body. Body weight exercise is amazing.
You want muscle. I’m your body type. Eat more protein (some controversy here, I’m not saying eat 200g a day, but eating even one more serving of chicken or adding a scoop of protein powder per day for 3 weeks makes a huge difference on my frame). Strongly recommend doing yoga or Pilates 3 times a week, then lifting heavier than you think 3 times a week. You don’t need to jump to tone. I work out with a trainer 1 day per week (lifting, full body exercises, totally different each time, 30 min) and jog or do yoga twice per week. I’m your size, eat ok but not great, have visible abs and toned arms. I have some genetic luck but look way more toned with multiple days of lifting and yoga or Pilates per week.
Is anyone following the Nickelodeon documentary? It is so, so terrifying and somehow I am not surprised that it happened as it did, just that it seemed to widespread and known. I’m guessing that it will not touch Jamie Lynn Spears, but I’m glad it’s getting some sunshine on this whole mess.
I read the memoir “I’m glad my mom died” by a former nickelodeon star, and she wrote about a lot of this.
I loved that book.
How much would you spend on a bachelorette weekend? We’re flying there and staying in an Airbnb – I’m fine with those costs. Now we’re talking about paying the bride’s share at expensive restaurants, paying for a table in a club etc, and it seems like this is a lot. Am I being a stick in the mud?
No, it’s a lot!! This is why I would refuse to go on a destination bachelorette. It’s absolutely absurd that these expensive trips have become the norm.
I agree but if you agree to go, then you agree to join these expensive events. Not trying to sound snarky but what did you expect would happen on this trip? I’d rather opt out or do a nice dinner at home. I refuse to spend $2k on a bachelorette party.
Yeah, kind of agree with this. I have no interest in spending that kind of money on a party, but once you agree to a big trip, I can see why people then expect to spend even more money on fancy dinners, etc. Definitely not my thing, though, and I’m glad I’m old enough that this wasn’t the norm for my friends, because I never could have afforded it.
The only other friend who did this rented like a beach house and we just stayed there. So there wasn’t much of an opportunity to spend like this.
Yeah, I would not just assume splitting an AirBnB also means bottle service and expensive meals and paying the bride’s share of all that, too. I am so glad to have missed this era of extravagance, though I am bracing for the milestone birthday celebration era.
I agree that these parties are absurd and over the top and a waste of money, but it’s really hard to decline them, especially now that they’re the norm.
No one will remember or care if you were at a bachelorette in 10 years.
I feel like most brides would
The bride who cares is maybe not who you want as a friend. It makes your relationship so transactional.
A bride in DH’s family is mad at him and his sister (she makes no $ and lives with an elderly relative as a helper because she is really not well paid at her job) for not going to her 2-flights to get there destination second wedding (they were there in a small town 8 hours away for her first wedding). Like why? What were you expecting? And by this point, most of her friends had kids already and didn’t go b/c who can get a week of childcare or wants to take their kid to a place that has an 8-hour time difference from where the live? Something about an engagement ring makes people just lose perspective (or demand payback).
I had a very small bachelorette by today’s standards (this was in 2022) — my friends took me to a local spa for the day and then we went out to dinner and got drinks. It was wonderful and memorable. Three of my close friends couldn’t make it — one had to work, one had a weekend away with other friends that was booked before this, and one was very pregnant and lived out of town. Although I would have loved for them to be there, I don’t hold this against any of them.
I think holding it against someone who didn’t spend hundreds to come to an out of town bachelorette weekend is ridiculous. If that’s your vibe, then certainly throw the party/go/whatever, but saying that no going is not being there for your friends is…. too much.
Not necessarily. I had to miss my best friend’s bachelorette because I was living overseas and couldn’t afford to fly back to the US for it. She doesn’t hold it against me at all, but I’m sure she certainly remembers and cares that I wasn’t there.
I would remember if a friend couldn’t come to mine. I wouldn’t hold it against her, but I would notice it. I’d also feel hurt if I made an effort to go to hers and she didn’t reciprocate baring any major differences
I recently declined a bach party because it was going to cost at least $4k for a long weekend trip. Now the bride cancelled that and chose a more accessible location and is paying for the lodging herself. There’s added pressure to attend since she’s bearing that expense and clearly really wants everyone to be able to go. Most of the people in the group make way more money than me so I still have so much anxiety that I’m going to spend thousands on food and activities. But at this point I honestly think our friendship will be over if I don’t go as the bach party venue is a short driving distance from me and she was kind of passive aggressive about it when she said she was paying for the airbnb.
I already spent $1200 booking the hotel for the actual wedding. I don’t know what the dress will cost or if we are expected to pay for professional hair/makeup.
I’m just really tired of all the wedding stuff. It seems so disproportionate–like I would never give or receive a $5k present from any of my gfs but it’s expected to spend that on them because they’re getting married? I make over $200k and am still stressed about this so I don’t know how everyone else is dealing unless they’re in the top 1%.
Yes this is a very close friend who I see and talk to all the time. There are tons of comments today about showing up to things – this is very much a “it will be noticed if you don’t show up” thing. At the same time spending $3k+ on her wedding and bachelorette is just nuts. I honestly don’t think bridesmaids should be expected to give wedding gifts unless its something sentimental.
When my mom got married, she sewed her dress and her bridesmaids’ dresses. I could not imagine what she would think of this. No wonder kids these days are drowning in debt — with expected spends like this, how would you ever pay off your school loans or save up for a house?
You show up to the wedding. That is the event. If the bachelorette is extravagant there should be no expectations about people coming (and if there is, it reflects poorly on the bride, not the invited guests)
I agree! This should not be a thing and women should be more open to their friends saying no to spending $$$ on their bachelorette parties. There’s also a difference between attending a local event or spending $100 on a dinner versus spending $3K on a bachelorette party.
If your friend is expecting you to spend $3,000 on a weekend party I question whether she’s the kind of friend you really need. For comparison, that’s about the amount we can usually afford to spend on our single annual family vacation. That is for a middle-aged couple who each make low six figures, only kid is in college with hefty merit aid, our student loans are paid off, and we live in a cheapo house that we can’t afford to renovate in an MCOL area. I don’t know where young people are getting tens of thousands of dollars per year to spend on wedding-related travel unless they work in biglaw or live rent-free with their parents, but it’s really unreasonable.
If women want their invitees to show up, they should lower the bar for attendance. If they want to be extravagantly feted, expect the guest list to be short. If not being one of those guests is then going to be used against women who don’t shell out the $$$, they should expect their post-wedding friend circle to contract. I’d be fine with losing such a bride as a friend because she clearly does not have my well-being in mind, only her desire for attention and external validation, which for me is sure to be a net loss over time. This is not the same as declining to attend a local book launch party or a friend’s nearby birthday dinner.
This right here.
Ugh. No you’re not being a stick in the mud. I’m so thankful that my friends who recently got married have had low key lake weekends for their bachelorette parties!
I think you should suggest a reasonable limit to the group and then hopefully yall can find activities in that budget.
Yes it’s annoying but you’ll miss this whole phase one day. Budget what you can, say what you can’t do, but find a way to go and have fun.
No and this is why I’m grateful my circle got married before this was a thing. Talk to the organizer about your budget for “extracurriculars” and ask if they can pare it back to more casual activities. You won’t be alone.
Honest answer, $1500 to $2000 including flights, hotels, and meals.
You should be paying for the bride’s share of things, but what that is will depend a lot on the party being planned. It’s one thing to have a night out where the bride’s bar tab is split among 8 friends, and an entirely different thing to pick up the tab for a $3k weekend.
I’m only willing to cover the bride’s costs for activities that would be included in a “normal” bachelorette party 10-15 years ago. Dinner at a non-extravagant restaurant, a couple drinks at the bar, reasonable decorations, etc. I won’t pay for the bride’s flight, lodging, or multiple activities. And obviously whoever is organizing needs to confirm this with the attendees before booking anything.
Bachelorettes are, for me, the hardest balance of showing up for my friends but also needing to stick to my budget. I absolutely hate the extravagant destination Bachlorette trend (I get that bridal parties aren’t all located in one location and no one has space to host everyone so I might need to travel a bit but I hate the expensive or hard to get to ones!)
I’m also still single and WELL AWARE that by the time I get married the friends I splashed out for are likely to have kids and logistics will be hard. But, I’m also going to want “my turn” after spending thousands on others. I’ve also made room in my budget for these while being a single woman, living alone, working in government and putting myself through graduate school. Luckily, my parents have a lake house a 75 min drive from my city (and attendees will be between an hour and 3 hours drive) – so accommodations will be free, it’s easy and affordable to get to, and activity costs will be low because there’s only so much to do (the lake, hike, and one winery and a few restaurants).
It blows my mind that otherwise chill brides feel it’s okay to ask their friends to drop thousands on a trip. This June I am flying halfway across the country (with a layover!) a four day weekend for a friend who lives half a mile from me… bride wants a lake getaway. We have lakes nearby. So, I’m spending 2 days of PTO + flights + Airbnb + whatever we do while there. Bride is having a pretty relaxed wedding: no bridal party, doing her own makeup and hair, relaxed outdoor venue; she’s not a big budget bride or a bridezilla and yet I feel obligated to spend $$$ on her bachlorette. I often want to turn down invites, but I know showing up is a huge part of being a good friend. I know when I get married I want people to celebrate with me and be excited and show up. So, I feel so stuck.
Sorry for the novel but to get back to your question: if you’re spending money on flights / accommodations you should NOT be covering the brides portion of everything. If it’s a local night out bachlorette, I feel like it’s fine to cover the brides’ expenses. I once went to a bachlorette (that required everyone fly to) and the bride (a big law lawyer) covered the entire Airbnb so we covered some expenses but not all (I think we covered the activity but meals (some of which were pricey!) we’re split equally among everyone).
That’s what bothers me the most as a single person. Not one of my married friends has EVER shown up for me the way I am expected to for them. I can barely get them to come out to dinner for my birthday. But I’m expected to pay for the bachelorette, the wedding shower gift, the wedding, wedding gift, baby shower, etc etc. I hate it.
When I got married in my late 30s, it was telling how some women refused to show up for me.
My bestie, who was my MOH, probably wonders why I send her birthday presents and random cards/cupcakes when her job sucks (we live a plane ride apart) – not sure how else to show her that she’s worth showing up for.
I’m 37 and in a LTR after many years of being the single friend. Weddings aren’t fun and new anymore, everyone’s slammed at work and many friends have kids. We’re just not in that stage of life. I’m not anticipating reciprocation and it makes me sad.
I agree completely with all of this. If they have kids by the time I get married I know they won’t do all this. They did throw me a random big surprise birthday party (not even on a big bday like 30th/35th) which was very nice. But it’s just hard.
I’m fine to say “lets all go on a trip together for your bachelorette”. But not really with “we should also give the bride an additional gift of restaurant/club/etc” on top of everything. Love what the big law friend did.
This may be petty but I am in the process of buying an apartment and when the time comes for a housewarming I’m going to be unhappy if people don’t at least engage and show up.
I’d hate this, too, but it seems par for the course with destination bachelorette parties. Glad this was not a thing when my circle was marrying off because holy $$$.
I’m 29 and in the throes of this now and honestly it makes me so angry I “have to” partake in this nonsense. I feel like every time a friend gets engaged they say they’re not going to do a destination bachelorette and then next thing you know a few months later they’ve changed their mind and you’re getting the invite to one…
Sure I could opt out, but it’s hard to be the only one who does. It also feels like you’re literally putting a price on your friendship.
I agree. I don’t like that this is apparently the litmus test of friendship. I sound ancient, but my friend group absolutely could not have afforded any of this when we were getting married.
Same. I was in BigLaw then (but with $$$ loans I was paying off on my own) and most of my friends could barely justify the $200 bridesmaids dresses and dyable shoes back in the day. No brides have schoolteacher friends (limited funds, limited ability to take off, some have to pay their own substitute teachers) or friends still in school or friends who cannot do this 5-6 times a year? It is just nutty.
Or academia. Pretty much all my friends were in PhD programs or very recent grads when we got married and this level of spending is just unimaginable to me. People struggled to afford the dress and plane ticket to the wedding.
There are a couple of different questions here.
How much do most guests spend? (Answer is everything from bride pays – which is what I did – to about $25 for dinner, to several thousand dollars.)
What is reasonable to ask guests to spend? (IMHO, whether or not it’s common, expensive bachelorette parties are tacky. People have student loans, would like to save up for a down payment, might enjoy having an emergency fund, etc. Not to mention, by the time the last person in the group gets married, it’s all “we have kids now and can’t afford those expensive weekends.”)
As for what you should do? Determine how much you are comfortable spending. Email the MOH, consider copying the other attendees, tell her your budget after airfare and AirBnB is $X, and ask if the group plans can accommodate that. If not, back out and send a bottle of nice champagne.
if you already committed to your share of the house rental, backing out now is really bad form.
Counterpoint: it’s bad form to ask people to commit to the AirBnB without giving them a reasonable estimate of what the weekend will cost.
Further counterpoint: if you can’t afford the weekend, you can’t afford the weekend. “Bad form” doesn’t make money appear out of the sky.
I agree with you, but if the property is now booked, the OP backing out now means the rest of the group has to eat her share, which is tacky at best.
They are expecting the OP to eat their share of the weekend, aren’t’t they? Guests who don’t control the parties and events shouldn’t be expected to pay, let alone cover the cost of the person dictating the weekend’s schedule.
You can always back out of the trip so you don’t have to pay the flight or get a credit and all the expensive activities but still pay your share of the Airbnb if it will cause the others to have to pay more than an additional $100.
if the OP is going to eat the Airbnb share to avoid throwing good money after bad then that’s fine. I didn’t think that was implied by saying “back out.”
I assumed that backing out wouldn’t involve clawing back AirBnB $
I recently went on a bachelorette in Tulum that I helped plan. Between AirBNB, flights, and food/activities, we ended up around $1300 pp which feels like a steal compared to some of the other trips I’ve seen. I made a point to itemize everything we expected people to spend on the trip and send it in a group chat beforehand so everyone could see the individual costs. I and the three other planning bridesmaids split the cost of the bride’s portion between us. I wouldn’t ever plan to split the bride’s portion between the entire group if I was planning a trip. That’s something her very closest friends can agree to do together if they like.
ETA: My other axe to grind is that if you are planning a destination bachelorette, it must be in a location that everyone invited can get to on a non stop flight for under $X ($X = whatever is reasonable for that route).
$1300 per person I would be okay with. The other beach bachelorette I mentioned was $1k per person total. This is getting closer to $2k.
I mean, none of this would (or did) fly in my friend group. Although actual expenditures varied a bit from party to party, the cap was around $200 pp, which gets you a small activity and nice but not extravagant food/drink for the night in my city. I think you may have signed up for this when you agreed to the flight though….
I *hate* the trend of paying for the bride’s share of a trip they chose to have. It feels so exploitative of your friends!
I think the most I’ve spent on a bachelorette trip was $2k and a decent chunk of that was renting a car which was annoying. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want a bachelorette party because I don’t want to deal with all of the hoopla and planning an “Instagrammy” trip. Weddings make me so cranky in general haha.
what did you think you’d be doing on the trip? i’m lucky in that most of my friends skipped the destination bachelorette, myself included or if they have, they are more attentive to budget/costs. i knew that most of my friends would have to travel out of town to my wedding (i grew up in DC area and got married in DC) and so my bachelorette party was for like 5 hours in NYC (where i and most of my friends lived at the time), and a few friends traveled in but could stay with other friends so no one paid for lodging. one bride’s sister told me when i was unemployed at that time, that if i really cared about my friendship with her sister, i’d attend her disneyworld bachelorette for 2k+ per person. we had one friend who got married fairly young, and at 23 DH was at a bachelor party in vegas and called me panicking by how much was being spent on everything
It seems like they didn’t want you there as a friend, but as person who’d lighten the contribution load on those who couldn’t bow out.
I have never planned a trip like this and never would, but I don’t think that plane tickets necessarily implies every other expense.
What did they plan on? Maybe a manicure, a nice dinner out ($75 total per person, including paying for the bride), a wine or whiskey tasting, walking around the city, a museum, renting kayaks or paddle boats, brunch before everyone leaves.
I’m not certain why the best and highest form of bachelorette party recreation has to be expensive tables at exclusive clubs, ie conspicuous consumption.
Exactly this.
Right? I don’t live like that in my day-to-day or when I’m on vacation. I’m not sure why I’d be entitled to live several tranches up in lifestyle (and on someone else’s dime, no less) just because I’m getting married.
Usually, if I want to have a certain kind of party (I’m all-in on the Derby b/c it’s fast and early and you dress up), I plan and pay for it. Why is it different for bach trips?
This is exactly how I feel.
Yes, exactly what I was trying to drive at!
There is also the issue of whether or not it’s the kind of recreation that everyone at the party finds to be valuable. If it’s someone else’s event, I’ll spend $25 on a museum I don’t like or $50 on a restaurant that isn’t quite to my liking. It makes the celebrant happy. Yay.
You want me to get on a plane, rent a hotel or AirBnB, and spend an additional four figures once I’m there? It better be the best weekend ever, and that involves the type of recreation I adore. If I’m leveling up my vacation spending by several tranches, we are talking one of those private planes that takes you from Jackson Hole to Yellowstone, not “bottle service at the most exclusive club!!!! #bachelorette #girlsweekend “
Most of my friends got married in our early 30’s and this was table stakes. Also no one asked for anything unreasonable to me, and I was happy to go. Now that we’re in our late 30’s/early 40’s these have turned into girls trips.
For example, one of my BFFs did her bachelorette in Miami (no one lived there) where we stayed in a huge house, there were a few fancy dinners and one in-home chef night, but mostly a lot of drinking/eating by the house pool and spending quality time. Another two friends who were getting married a few months apart combined forces and did theirs in an outdoorsy forward location where no one lived, and it was lovely. I actually don’t have any friends in my circle who did the bachelorette in the town they lived in or were getting married in.
I think this is part of “showing up” as commented on from the Suzie post. If it’s an issue of not being able to afford it, I think that’s a different ask.
If you make $200k, $3000 is 1.5% of your before-tax annual budget! I suspect lots of the people spending that cannot actually afford it, especially year after year or even multiple times a year.
paying for yourself for addt’l activities while you’re there – expected
paying for the bride – unreasonable, IMO
I’m biased, but recently had my (stateside) destination bachelorette – me + 3 besties. We split everything equally, I would never have expected or let them pay my share! Also – we discussed beforehand that everyone wanted to travel, etc. It is definitely not the norm in my circle to pay for the bride unless it’s a local, one night out kinda thing.
Also, in my circle those in the wedding party aren’t expected to give a gift for the wedding.
These are significant differences than. 4 people, not 10. Not paying the brides share. Still expected to give probably ~$150 as a wedding gift.
Is it too late to cancel? Just say no–these things are so out of control….
friendly reminder – before scheduling mandatory retreats please check when religious holidays begin. DH’s company has something on the first two nights of Passover. I realize you cannot accommodate every holiday in the world, but most major religions have a handful of most important holidays.
This makes me so crazy! Solidarity.
Same. Our org scheduled something around Easter, which isn’t just a religious holiday, but when spring breaks are at SEUS public schools, so hard to book travel and many people already had plans or kids who couldn’t keep themselves. Just a cluster and it was google-able and preventable (but the people who schedule things seem to think that all lives are like theirs and it’s just not true and it’s hard to know you’re wrong if you live in an echo chamber).
https://www.diversityresources.com/interfaith-calendar-2023/
https://chaplain.williams.edu/2022-2023-multifaith-religious-holiday-calendar/
After a similar screw up at my firm, they pushed out an Outlook calendar update that had the major religious holidays on it by default. It’s been so helpful.
Our corporate Google calendars come preloaded with a calendar you can toggle to see all the bank holidays in our respective offices, it’s great for multinational teams!
I’m new to working a flight away from my office – previously I lived in town, and then a 2 hour drive away, but I’m now an 8 hour drive/90 minute flight away.
On Monday (yesterday), we learned about an event on Wednesday (tomorrow) that someone on my team of two (so, me or a colleague) needs to attend for an out-of-town client. It’s an evening event.
I felt guilty asking my colleague if he was free to go. This event is more in my baliwick for this client than my colleague’s, and if I were in town, I never would have asked him if he could go – I automatically would have gone.
It turns out I’ll be going regardless because colleague is solo parenting this week (I’m childless; he has three elementary school-aged children), so I’m buying my plane ticket in the other screen as I type.
But this experience has made me wonder about this whole idea of working so far away. It feels unfair to ask a colleague to cover an event just because of geography. I AM happy to fly into town, it’s NBD, it’s part of living so far away, but on the other hand, it’s a two hour event and I don’t want to even think about the carbon emissions for a flight for a two-hour event.
I don’t know what my question here is. If you have someone on your team who’s a flight away, how do you feel about the working situation?
Well this is why we have very few remote positions. It’s not that workable in practice.
+1
i mean, if attending these things is expected for your job, then of course it seems misguided to live a flight away.
I wonder why they chose to apply for a job that was a flight away, and would get REALLY annoyed if their choice meant I had to cover things for them. I have colleagues in my office who live really far away and frankly get annoyed when they complain- they knew where the office was when they applied for and accepted the job! I live in DC, there is a reason I’m not applying for jobs in Philadelphia.
I think the answer is to either change where you work or where you live. It’s reasonable for your job to need in person representation and it’s not reasonable to ask your local team to cover everything because you chose to move away.
third way would be too change the role. Many roles don’t require frequent travel, or travel on short notice. Apparently, this role does, so either deal with it, or don’t make that role remote.
I can relate about the emissions, and limiting my commute was a factor in my home choice.
Are you chartering a private jet for this? Because if not, the plane is flying anyway, your extra weight on board is not going to make a blip of difference, and you are just making up an excuse talking about carbon emissions to make it sound like there is some ethical bar when really you just don’t like the inconvenience of the last minute ask, which is totally reasonable but let’s not pretend this is about survival.of the species. If this is going to happen frequently, you should give some thoughts to whether you want this level of jet setting in your life, and for how long or under what circumstances. If not, or not for long, start looking for a new job.
I hate the carbon emissions argument. If you cared about carbon emissions, you wouldn’t have moved to (most likely) an area that has lots of spread out housing, big yards, long commutes, and lots of car culture.
This is a surprising assumption. A lot of people are taking remote positions for family reasons, not to fulfill dreams of suburbia.
What? When my job went remote, I moved to a small city where I could afford to live downtown so that I could benefit from public transit. My in-office colleagues live in suburbia and have long commutes in.
This is a weird assumption. Why do you think New City has more of a car culture than Old City? There is nothing to suggest that in the post.
I mean…
Yes, it’s metaphysically true in this case that the “plane is flying anyways” but you must understand that that the total volume of airline emissions is a product of the total demand for flights, right? the attitude that you’re just “catching a ride” is delusional. it’s akin to “look at all these cars around me causing traffic when I have somewhere to be.” You ARE the traffic.
well yeah, it’s inconvenient AF for everyone else sometimes, as well as the person who’s far away. In your shoes I’d 100% expect to fly in for this type of thing as part of the job and not ask for B-list coverage unless your org has budget constraints on the travel and that was a known & accepted consequence of you being remote.
Yes, this is enormously unfair to your colleagues. If in-person participation is expected, I don’t know how you keep this up.
I think that pilots and airline personnel do this all the time. Based out of Charlotte or another hub but live in some other place and have to “commute” in. But like the other poster said, that plane’s already flying somewhere or deadheading back, so it’s not killing the planet more to have one other person on that plane.
Pilots and flight attendants are totally different occupations that really don’t have anything to do with this.
I probably work in a different industry but I can relate to some degree on the receiving end of this.
I work on a team where my management strategically hired people to be spaced throughout the country for coverage.
On my team, I am the person that works a normal distance from our HQ. I split my time between WFH and working in the office. The rest work from home.
There is give and take to this structure. In general, my team members net more days away from home than I do. They travel to customer sites more often.
On the flip side, I go to the office regularly and often do tasks they can not complete from home. This includes sometimes attending meetings for representation, giving trainings, etc.
In your situation where the need came up pretty close to an evening event date, I think you’ll have to get more comfortable finding multiple back-up plans. Or accepting that some events are going to go unattended.
I’m a university lecturer and I spent 2 years an hours flight away. I was there Monday-Wednesday during term time and could be there outwith this with advanced notice. There was no bad blood because I showed up with bells on to everything on my in-office days and never complained about my commute. It was my choice, it was a country socially/educationally I was happy to work in but not to move my family to so I didn’t want anyone else to suffer for that choice. I had colleagues who commuted from further distances who were really inflexible with teaching, never came in person to things, were generally a pain.
Now I’ve got a long public transport commute but I’m home every night, and I kind of miss those city weeks.
I mean, this is why most people don’t live a flight away from work when in person attendance is expected at least semi-regularly.
I’ll counterpoint everyone else by saying that if you’re a remote employee, it seems odd to expect you to attend an in-person event last minute. My organization which has lots of remote employees certainly wouldn’t have that expectation of anyone.
It’s not much notice for local employees either. Unless the evening event is truly scheduled with two days notice, it seems like you need to figure out how to get looped in on these types events with more notice. Easier said than done, of course.
+1 i’m not particularly career-driven but I have a busy life and would balk at being asked to attend even a local event on two days notice.
In my org, remote employees are only flown in for the annual retreat and maybe one or two events with external people, and they have months of notice.
I work in higher ed so I have a handful of colleagues who are fully remote and my answer is “it depends”. One team in my office has 2 fully remote workers and it would be helpful to have at least one of them available for in-person meetings with students, but they’ve structured the team so that there’s one local person and the supervisor who are available as needed.
A team in another office that works closely with mine has fully remote workers and it’s a bit of an issue. One recent instance is that we had vendor demos and the only person in those demos who was remote was this person. They complained that they couldn’t hear everything that was being discussed in the room and that they felt like they missed out.
Part of the problem with partially remote workers is that people still schedule events and meetings like everyone is in the office, so there’s very little lead time. I think it’s totally doable to have remote workers with an expected in-person presence but you have to give them enough notice to schedule a trip on-site.
We don’t approve this because of this kind of nonsense.
I am having a hard time finding dresses that are 100% *some*thing –whether it’s all cotton, or all rayon, or all silk. Why are they now mixed with spandex all the time? I don’t want my dress to cling but to skim or —dunno but not cling!
I’m long-bodied, 5’9″, curvy, pear-ish. I’ve gotten in a rut the last four years of wearing jeans all the time and want to get back to looking semi-presentable/professional.
Any ideas? Thank you!
Not sure why 100% something is your preference, but I will say as someone who is the same height and shape as you, spandex doesn’t automatically mean clingy. If anything, it helps fabric skim my curves and looks way better than a stiffer fabric that doesn’t really move with my body.
Boden’s tall sizes are my favorite dresses.
Pact is 100% cotton.
Chapter 13 here. Just want to say I’m having a really hard time waiting for my Public Trust background to come through. I had a grueling interview with the background investigator about a week ago. I’m terrified I’m going to lose this big government job that everyone is so proud of me for getting (and that I am loving). I’m having a hard time getting excited about things and putting 100% of myself into my work/onboarding (just started last week). I guess I’m not really asking anything, just looking for support from the hive as I am very down lately.
Thinking of you. You won’t go wrong by kicking butt at your job. Either the public trust comes back and you’re approved (therefore, being a great employee pays off), or you will need to find another job (at which point, excellent references will be good for you).
Is it that black and white though? Can you calm your nerves by checking into an appeal process if it does come back negative? Like can you get a 3 month approval and redo the process in 3 or 6 months? Not familiar at all but might be worth looking into.
Anon at 11:44 am here. The ultimate end (after any probation periods, appeal processes, etc.) is in fact black and white: she’s allowed to stay or she’s not allowed to stay. In both circumstances, it will benefit her to do well at her job now.
That’s my point though – the decision of this particular interviewer, which she is understandably focused on, might not be the end point as there might be an option to appeal and seek further review.
Hang in there, I know this is super hard!! We are all proud of you here. Sending you lots of hugs.
Hang in there. You disclosed your BK in the hiring, so they reasonably think that you will pass the background investigation. They would not invest the time and effort to onboard you if they didn’t think that — they would make your start date contingent on passing (this is what happens for more sensitive clearances). Also I think my public trust took something like 6 months (and I have a squeaky clean, boring background) so my best advice is to stop thinking about it and find something else to occupy your time. It’s out of your hands at this point, and we are all rooting for you.
As others have said, the company is investing in you because they expect you to pass the background check. I am so happy you are enjoying the job. Knock it out of the park! If the worst thing happens and you don’t pass, which I think is unlikely, you will have made connections with and impressed tons of people at your current job, and they will help you land in a new one. I am betting that this will turn out well, and we are rooting for you SO HARD! And congrats again on finding a job that is a good fit—that is so awesome.
Is anyone freaked out to fly on Boeing these days? Just booked my trip to Napa and realized after the fact we’re flying on 737s. Ugh. (Also: which wineries should we go to? 15th anniversary…)
Yeah. They haven’t had the greatest track record this year have they…
Yes. Watch the John Oliver episode from a couple weeks ago about Boeing. It’s chilling.
+1 on the John Oliver episode!
And that was before the death of the Boeing whistleblower. Reading about that — I seriously doubt it was suicide — is chilling.
if you’re trying to diversify away from stocks, where do you keep your lowest risk things like bond funds or whatnot? inside a retirement fund or outside of it? i can’t get over the feeling i want the retirement stuff to grow aggressively because i can’t touch it for 15 years, but i also want the stuff i CAN touch to do significantly better than my HYSA.
I am curious for other people’s thoughts on this situation:
My husband and I are in our mid/late 30s and own a modest apartment in a VHCOL area. We have a toddler and both work full-time in a demanding industry.
Longterm friend of mine is also mid/late 30s, single, owns a modest apartment in another VHCOL area, works in a lucrative industry on a freelance basis and generally has a ton of flexibility. For a little bit of context, she has not reached out much since my child was born. She did reach out a couple weeks ago to ask if I would be in town Easter weekend and said that she’s planning on visiting my city then just for fun. I told her we’re going away for the long weekend – first (hopefully) relaxing family trip in a while. She then said what if she visits *this* weekend so she could see me, and she would stay at a hotel. Although I don’t really like making such last-minute plans, I said sure – I haven’t seen her in a while and it’d be fun. Well, the next day she told me that she’s sticking with her original plans of coming Easter weekend – and “no pressure” but could she stay at our apartment while we’re gone, to save money. (I’ll note that she’s planning on spending a ton of money while here for various outings….)
We have been friends for a long time and she has generally been a good friend. But this feels like she’s totally using me, right? Not to mention it’s a huge inconvenience because I’ll have to get our apartment guest-ready as we’re trying to get out the door for our family trip. Wwyd?
I would not let her use my apartment. But I have never had anyone except my parents stay at my house while I was gone and am kind of uncomfortable with that in general.
+1. I would just never offer something like this to anyone other than close family and my friends probably can sense that about me (I would also never ask and would just stay in a hotel).
Could you tell her your neighbors are sensitive to non-residents using apartments when their resident is away? So it would be better for her to stay in a hotel. Something short and simple.
My spouse would have a ton of issues with someone else in his space, even if family, especially if he weren’t there.. And I’m not cleaning for a friend. Sorry. And I might do this for close family, but not a friend. This is why there are hotels.
Yes, using you. FWIW, after having a kid, I’m not sure I’d want someone else in my space.
BUT why do you expect her to check in with you a lot b/c you had a kid? The moms I know are pretty religious about not being interrupted b/c they might be sleeping, nursing, etc. Maybe your friend wants to give you your space or has been told not to bother new moms and is doing just that? If you were open to casual chatting or texting, you could do that, too.
+1
And I’m sorry, just because you had a kid does not require me (the childless person) to check in with you constantly. Maybe she doesn’t care about your kid and that’s okay.
OP here. Yep, it’s okay. I didn’t say it wasn’t. I was just trying to provide context to explain why this feels like a big ask, since we’ve drifted apart over the years. I’m to blame for that, too.
I’m childless but understand that I can’t meaningfully care about someone without caring at least a little about their kid.
yes totally ok to not care about a significant part of someone else’s life. not ok to then come around and say i want to use your apt. girl you’re not my friend.
OP here. To clarify, I didn’t mean I expected her to check in on me – absolutely not. I just meant to say that we used to talk a lot and were extremely close, but now we don’t talk nearly as much. She seemed to develop a great local friend group around the same time that my kid was born 2.5 years ago – which could explain why I don’t hear from her as often. And of course, I am to blame as well; it’s a two-way street.
It was pretty clear to me what you meant.
Except… you’re wrong. You’re projecting your own issues onto an internet stranger.
What?? I don’t have any real life issues on this point and am not sure what you think I’m projecting. I understood that OP just meant that communication has fallen off since she had the kid, not that she was expecting to be checked in on *because* she had a kid. It happens…I don’t think it’s necessarily all the friend’s fault (nor does OP seem to) but it’s relevant to whether she’s a close enough friend to stay in the apartment.
I don’t really think it’s about expecting check ins because she had a kid – I think it’s about expecting check ins from a good friend after/during ANY major life event. It’s just that the current major life event she’s undergoing is having had a kid. I’d expect check ins after starting a new job, a move, losing a parent, a medical diagnosis, etc.
I think that this post comes back to showing up for people that we want to have in our lives – particularly when we then want things from them….like staying for free in their apartment. Sigh.
The backstory and context are meaningless, if you don’t want her to stay at your place when you are away then tell her no.
I think some of the backstory is relevant! If it was “my BFF since childhood who’s a kindergarten teacher and donated my uncle a kidney” then, yeah, you clean up and let her stay at your place.
No way, this is something you might do as a 22yo new grad, not an established 30-something.
NO, she’s not totally using you. She’s asking a fairly normal thing that one friend asks another friend. In some circles, this is more normal than others.
Since you feel resentful about her request and don’t like last-minute plans, it’s probably best to say no, it doesn’t work this time. That would be better than grudgingly saying yes and feeling used.
so i have asked friends to stay in their places before and I’ve offered up my place, but I also reach out to these people on a more regular basis. i don’t know how old your child is, but toddler to me implies at least age 1+ and if you haven’t spoken to the friend in over a year, i think this is a strange ask. i also have some friends/family who are more than happy to lend out their apartments and others who aren’t
“Sorry, that doesn’t work for us, but I hope you have a great trip.”
Also, OP, I take your comment about friend not checking in as a one-sided friendship, where you’re the one to always reach out. I’ve experienced some of that too and it definitely inspires me to limit going out of my way for those friends.
I posted a similar question a few months ago. I had to come to terms with the fact that I am just not comfortable having house guests when I am not here, mostly for security reasons. I am happy to host one or two people when I am home. I still struggle with this because I want to be a generous host and I feel like a bad person turning down these requests, although I always stay at hotels when I travel.
Not wanting someone in your home when you are not there does not mean you are not a generous host…I genuinely don’t understand the struggle…
I would say “so sorry, that isn’t going to work for us,” if I didn’t feel good about her staying in my house while I was gone. There are some people I’d be happy to have stay in my house in my absence, and other people (a way bigger group) to whom I’d say “sorry, no.” You get to choose and it doesn’t have to be a referendum on the friendship or “using” or any of that.
I don’t think I would let most people, including family, stay in my home while I was out of town — unless they were pet sitting. I don’t know why that just feels like an intrusive ask. And I feel the same about asking my friends that too.
No is a complete sentence. You’re not a hotel.
Tell her it’s not convenient.
Any feds here who can shed light on whether they have outside long term disability insurance? My job offers short term, but no long term. It seems there are a few companies that offer disability insurance packages to feds for seemingly very low rates compared to traditional companies. Is this a scam or a benefit? Should I just go with a traditional company and pay more? New fed here.
I know no one has an answer but want opinions– I applied to a job that went up on linked in the first week of February. it seems to me (and I’ve been working a long time) that the job had my name on it and i spent a lot of time going through my resume, using all the buzz words, wrote a very specific and very individualized cover letter. the job is still posted, i haven’t heard. Am i at the point that i just have to accept that they’re just not that into me, or could i still hear? the post above made me wonder…..
original poster. i applied almost immediately, a few days after posting.
The best thing to do after you apply for a job is forget about it and apply to other jobs. You have no clue what is going on at the company where you applied. They may contact you quickly or they may never contact you at all.
Yeah 6 weeks I’d call it and say that it’s either a “ghost position”, HR has the account on an auto renew and isn’t on top of the actual reqs, it’s an ultra-long process (maybe?) and someone’s being difficult (hiring manager, some big wig).
Now I’ve certainly had rejections come in months later, but I can’t think of any interview requests that came through after such a long time frame, sadly.
possible they had to post publicly but the job was earmarked for an internal applicant and they forgot to take it down?
Is it a niche position and they’re hoping for more applicants to compare before interviewing?
It would be very rare in my experience that a company wouldn’t reach out at all for 1.5 months if they were interested. Applications are usually batch screened or on a rolling basis. I would assume either 1) they’re looking for a unicorn and it’s not you / they actually want some other experience/background not mentioned or 2) they had an internal candidate all along and the posting was for show
so many job descriptions are poorly written or poorly describe the actual role that I think it’s easy to think you’re the perfect fit when they’re looking for something different, unfortunately!
Rettes, I am looking for some tips and tricks to get me into a groove of working out at a gym early in the morning, and then going straight to work. I often forget something (a bra, a shoe, earrings etc.) and feel a bit discombobulated by the time I get to work. What are your hacks for making sure you have everything so you can have a great work out, shower, change, and go straight to work? TIA!!
Make yourself a checklist on your phone and pack it the night before! (If you don’t want to pack your work clothes the night before because of wrinkling, at least put everything all in the same place.)
Yup, this. Checklist is key. I have a checklist for packing for out of town trips, and this is another use case for one. For the stuff that doesn’t change (shampoo, soap, hair brush, weightlifting gloves, lock for locker, etc.) just keep it all in the bag. Use a checklist for the stuff that changes (clothes, towel, shoes, etc.).
Pack your bag the night before.
I pack my bag the night before and I also keep extra office clothes in my office.
I’d also keep a larger selection of things at my office that I might forget so I can use it there. It might not be your best pair of earrings, but a pair that serves in a pinch can be waiting for you there.
came here to say this. ideally you’re packing well and in advance, but you can also backstop with a spare of everything in your office.
(learned this while p*ump*ing in my office many years ago.)
First, keep a set of all of your toiletries in your gym bag permanently. You have a home set and you have a gym bag set. Second, keep an extra of the essential clothing you must have in your bag. My bag always includes an extra pair of nude undies and br@ because those are the two items I’m most likely to forget. If I forget my earrings, that’s really not a big deal. If I forget my undies, that’s a problem for me. Third, pack your bag the night before, including your clothing, shoes, water bottle, whatever else you need. Fourth, set out your workout clothes the night before. You should be able to wake up, put on the clothes you already set out, grab your bag that’s already packed, and walk out the door without any thought.
I like Nars Powermatte in American Woman. I think it’s pretty neutral but still pops enough on Zoom.