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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Athina Bodycon Midi Dress

A woman with a medium skin tone wearing a sleeveless green dress with face and feet cropped out

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Hello, gorgeous! If budget were no object, this emerald green stunner from Chiara Boni La Petite Robe would be in my closet already.

This winter, I’d be wearing it with a navy blazer or a black moto jacket. Come spring and summer, I’d do a cropped, boxy white blazer or layer it over a white collared shirt.

The dress is $795 and comes in sizes 2–16.

A more affordable option is from Maggy London; it's $128 at Nordstrom and available in sizes 4–16. A plus-size alternative is this Calvin Klein dress that comes in sizes 14W–24W and is $129.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

324 Comments

  1. looking for the wisdom of the hive, please:

    how do you handle uneven drive in taking care of home and yard?

    we have our home and my parebts to take care of. I’m very grateful that we have what we have but feel like I’m the only one who is ever buying for or driving work to be done.

    my husband grew up in a stone house but in a city so no yard and a low maintenance construction. he is very driven with work but after 14 hour days doesn’t want to do anything but watch tv and go to bed. on the weekends it’s that he’s tired and he wants to lounge.

    I am the one who has to deal with any renovations, legal issues with neighbors like property lines, noticing and arranging and basically mandating time for fixing things. I don’t like it, he’s unhappy, everytging becomes a difficult conversation. we had a relaible handyman that i found but he’s had to retire after massive back surgery. we’re in a vhcol area and in a building boom son finding even basic help is very difficult. (I know of multiple folks on waiting lists for weeks to get basic repairs like fixing a 3 way light switch).

    I feel like I have all the responsibility and to do the work in prep, followup and then an uphill to get it done. he’s a good person and suppose otherwise but seems to think this is my other other job. I’ve tried talking but it ends in argument.

    any feedback on sharing the work?

    2. Well, from what it sounds, your husband works hard, and you are the designated SAH person (mom soon, maybe?) As such, you are the one best suited to handle most of the tasks, other than taking out the garbage or quick things that he can handle. You should step up and become that indispensable spouse who can look things up, arrange for a handy man and otherwise handle all domestic chores. Who is doing the food shopping and the cooking? If you are just ordering from Door Dash or making dinner reservations, try and be more resilient. Also, what is goeng to happen if you and he start a family? Right now, that does not seem to be in the picture, so the only thing I hear is that you are a spouse of a hard working man who may or may not have a day job of your own and no kids (yet). Figure it out now before you decide to expand your family or you will have bigger problems later.

    3. I don’t think he will change. I’d suggest moving to a much easier to maintain building. Hard to tell your location, but condos/condo towns/brand new high end construction would be considerations. While a lot of actual “fixing” can be outsourced, doing the outsourcing, diagnosising the problem enough to tell someone what you need, making decisions about repairs, being home to let them in, etc. is a lot of work. As far as I can tell, some people like home maintenance and some don’t and it’s hard to move people between categories. Can you offload other work to him instead? Use his earnings from 14 hr a day job to buy more help?

      I for one love it, love fixing near everything myself, love researching problems and solutions. It’s a hobby as far as I am concerned. So while sometimes I’m crusty when I’m in hour 5 of troubleshooting why our dryer isn’t working, it’s incredibly satisfying when I replace the broken part. My partner would never be interested in doing any of that. But he does every dish, and I do none, so it works.

    4. We are settling into a new (to us) home – I feel like once you’ve been in a place for a year, you start to realise what is wrong with it. The challenge for us is getting on the same page. We just prioritise different things. My husband likes a new exciting project or anything tech-y, and I just want our bedroom to be spotless and things to be a bit more stylish. We sat down and made a big list of everything that needs doing this year – from bigger projects (replacing stair carpeting and tiling the hall) to little things, like a smart light, hanging some hooks.
      But we work reasonable hours – I think if I was at work that long, I’d struggle to muster the energy for household projects either. Could he work on things that can be done from the computer as there must be some downtime during his day?

    5. you might need to have a bigger conversation about whether to move, tbh. One reason husband and I love having a city house is that neither of us has the appet-te to manage a yard. We have 15 feet of small sidewalk to shovel, etc.

      Aside from that, we typically work on the assumption that we end up putting equal effort into Work and Home Stuff, but sometimes that doesn’t mean it’s a true 50 50 split on both. I’m having a slow month at the office? That means I do more of the emotional labor on things like meal planning, cleaning, watering the container garden, dealing with calling Verizon, etc. BUT it was a joint decision to select the level of “home maintenance effort” required originally, so when I have more of those tasks I’m not resentful that they exist in the first place.

      When you bought your current place how did you talk about maintenance responsibilities?

    6. “I’ve tried talking but it ends in argument.

      any feedback on sharing the work?”

      I don’t know how to reconcile those two statements — and I’m guessing you don’t either, which is why you’re posting here asking for help. Since he’s a good spouse otherwise, can the two of you have a different kind of conversation about this? Not a “I need you to change and do this work with me” conversation, since that one leads to an unsolved argument. But a “why is this so hard for us?” conversation or “what are each of us contributing to this dilemma that is making this so hard for us, when we don’t want to be treating each other that way?” or “we’re got a problem of too much work and not enough time to get it done; what are ways we could solve this that don’t make you OR me miserable?”

    7. Can your handyman provide a recommendation for someone new? Once you have a name, pre-schedule walk around appointments on a regular cadence (quarterly? twice a year?) and use the time to walk around the properties and list out all the small maintenance items. Handyman then schedules out or subcontracts work accordingly. These people usually have extensive networks and can take on some of the admin work for a price.

    8. My husband seems a lot like yours, down to growing up in a city home. Add in the fact that he doesn’t have a desk job, so making phone calls to various electricians/carpenters/etc. is easier for me during the work day. I’ve learned to live with the fact that most of that property maintenance work falls on me, but I expect him to pick up the slack elsewhere, which he has done over the years. He is responsible for laundry, dishes, big chunks of child care, most of the car maintenance. Essentially, I have days where I have more big-picture stuff to do, but he has a more steady stream of day-to-day chores. We haven’t done the full exercise formally, but you may want to look at Tiffany Dufu’s Drop the Ball for how to divide up a master list of household responsibilities with a partner.

    9. Why are you in a property that’s got lots of renovations and repairs? Legal issues with neighbors? And taking care of your parents?

      That’s too much on top of his busy job.

      1. +1

        There’s too much on your collective plate; I’d recommend letting some things go or moving. What youre doing with your property seems like a lot.

      2. Yes, if I worked 14 hour days I wouldn’t want to do any of these chores either. I work less than half of that (if we’re talking true work not surfing here), and I still don’t do the home repair or the electronics set up etc. In turn I take on more of the day to day like cooking and food because I enjoy that so much more (and the urgency of the next meal drives me).

    10. Apartment with a really good super in the building sounds like the best solution here to me — ask how repairs are handled, who you call for problems during off hours, and if the super will do extra household repairs for a fee. What you’re looking for: clear answers, someone who is on call during off hours with a direct phone number to reach them, and if at all possible a super you can pay extra to do stuff in your home that’s your, not the building’s responsibility and then you just don’t have to worry about any of it. If the last one’s not possible, look for a building where a number of apartments all use the same repair person (i.e. the building has a go-to plumber that a bunch of people use).

    11. I don’t try to make my husband do things he doesn’t like to do and vice versa – I handle the whole category you’re talking about plus finances and I haven’t washed a dish, cleaned anything in the house, taken the dog to vet, grocery shopped regularly or cooked most meals since we met. My recommendation is split up whole tasks, don’t try to share the load. Of course he will help if we need to let someone in and I can’t be home, and I’ll swing by the store for something needed, but we’ve carved out our areas and that works well. For your handyman problem, check out the app Handy – if they’re in your area it’s same day/easy scheduling for handyman jobs ranging from simple to sophisticated.

      2. I think dividing and conquering is definitely the answer, but you need to first agree on what needs to be done. It can be eye opening to realize what your partner has been doing without you really noticing, and you can also cut down the list if there are certain items that neither of you think needs to be done. If you don’t care about christmas lights, no need for either of you to spend hours putting them up, storing them, etc.

        Eve Rodsky has a book and program for dividing up chores, but the gist is this:
        1. Figure out what needs to be done to keep a household going. There are lists you can start with, and you can each add what you’re doing. Agree on what adequate “handling” of a chore is.
        2. Strip out anything neither of you really think needs to be done, and increase/decrease frequency as necessary.
        3. Divide and take ownership. If you are going to handle, say, all of the home renovation stuff, he doesn’t get to second guess any of it, and you handle/outsource as necessary and he just backs you up. if he’s doing all the laundry, so long as it’s clean in relatively timely way, don’t worry about how it’s folded, etc. Each person owns their tasks from start to finish.

        Maybe you end up still being in charge of all of the house stuff, but he schedules and drops mom at all her appointments and does all birthday presents for the family, so you can focus on your tasks.

      3. +1 – if you read the book Fair Play she suggests splitting entire tasks, so one spouse had complete domain over conception, planning, and execution of their tasks.

        If you don’t want to do something, and your husband doesn’t either, it’s a sign it’s time to find something else.

        1. I always recommend this, and I’m glad a book author has recognized my genius.

          To the OP: I know several couples, including with kids, who sold their single family homes for condos or lofts. Home ownership is glorified, but it really is so much more work. If you have elder care and one (or more) demanding jobs in your household, it is okay to recognize that and cut back on other things.

      4. OP here. this is helpful perspective. i never touch dishes, shop for food etc. and he does huge amounts of other work. i think he doesn’t realise what needs doing and when.

        1. Wait. You are saying he needs to keep doing all of that and split up your load, too? I mean, if we are talking about scheduling yard service and changing an air filter once a month, okay. But is it really fair to add more burden to him?

    12. If you have the money for it, you could hire someone to manage both properties. It’s a luxury for sure but it’s very much A Thing in my wealthy suburban area with large homes on large properties. (We don’t do it so I’m not sure how much it costs exactly).

      I do think that your husband won’t change, and that he probably doesn’t love being involved in managing your parents’ home as well. My own neighbors are enough, much less my parents’!

    13. It sounds like you have more house than you can reasonably take care of together. If one person is really, really uninterested in home maintenance, that’s a hard thing to change. It has little to do with drive, or wanting to offload the work onto a partner. If your partner isn’t into home stuff, you may need to consider a big change, like renting or living somewhere with built-in maintenance, like a townhome association.

      House stuff is honestly a hobby for DH and I, but I know plenty of couples who know their limitations around house/yard maintenance and have arranged their lives accordingly. For one friend, it’s living in new construction that they frankly have done a crap job of maintaining (wouldn’t recommend that route). For others, it’s meant vastly downsizing and/or moving somewhere where lawn service is part of the deal.

    14. Ugh, I share your pain!
      I hired a weekly/bi-weekly cleaner to do basic laundry and household cleaning to free up time for other things that H was unwilling/unable to do and allow me to prioritize time home with kids. That’s in addition to finding people to do the work.
      Also, resigned myself that lots just doesn’t/won’t get done the way I would like if I want this marriage.
      Also, am looking to the time when kids are out of high school so that we can find home that suits us both. Where we are now is not the end of the story.

      1. OP here

        this exactly. very very helpful. thank you do for this.

        I used to DIY a lot because I was a single home owner and I had the time and skills.

        we have a massive load right now but we won’t always and we can hire even more help than I might have thought about (just because we have the skills doesn’t mean we should actually do it!!)

        1. Yes, this is the way to think about it.

          Your time is EXTREMELY valuable, as is your husband’s. I am shocked he is working 14 hour days and doing all the food prep/shopping/dishes and “lots more” and you want him doing even more house maintenance stuff when it is clear you are the one with the expertise and interest. I work hours like your husband and don’t enjoy home maintenance either. I would have a nervous breakdown if you were making me feel bad about it, when I do not care about it at all. I mean, is the roof leaking? Does this remodeling stuff really need to be done?!?! I honestly cannot do more most nights then rest in front of the TV and I have no guilt about it. Don’t try to give your husband more guilt. Decide what is really important in your life. Hire out everything you can afford to do, reasonably. And accept the fact that a two income family with kids will always be a juggling act and your house will never be perfect.

    15. From your description, you’re focused on the wrong thing. It sounds like he’s (you’re both?) in a rut. Spending all your free time lounging in front of the TV doesn’t serve his life or your marriage. I say this as someone who LOVES TV and other sedentary hobbies. You cannot connect with your spouse if your eyes and ears are glued to the TV. I recommend you both invest in your marriage by finding something fun to do together on a regular basis. Take a walk outside. Play a game. Do a puzzle.

      This may seem off topic but it’s not. If the only time you ever focus on each other is when you’re in conflict then your marriage will end. Unless your roof is literally caving in, the state of your marriage as you describe it is way more urgent than home repairs.

      1. Another seemingly off topic issue to tackle is the husband’s job. I worked with a high intensity before the pandemic and loved it. Now, I am burned out and exhausted. I just cannot work like I could before the pandemic. I was a slug all day Saturday. Burn out is real, affecting huge swathes of the population, and there may be some major work changes in order.

      2. “If the only time you ever focus on each other is when you’re in conflict then your marriage will end.”

        I am here to endorse this sentiment. Ask me how I know.

    16. I can’t imagine working a 14-hour day and having my spouse hit me with home renovation tasks when I get home. I would be angry/annoyed, too. He watches TV at night because he needs to wind down. This is normal. It would be ideal if you could set aside a window of time once or twice a month on a weekend to discuss home issues, but the actual work should be outsourced or, if your job is much less demanding, you can do the work. How much is there really to do, though? I am single with a small, older home on a decent piece of land and I have to handle 100% of maintenance and neighbor issues. It is more difficult now, I agree, due to a pandemic reno and flip boom, plus my personal finances aren’t great currently, which complicates things. The list is long and I triage. Some things just wait, sometimes for a very long time. If they aren’t bothering your spouse, maybe you just need to lower your standards for a bit. Consider moving. Throw money at it. But I don’t think demanding your spouse spend one of his two precious waking and non-working hours with you walking through the house pointing out electrical issues and wall scuffs or discussing a new landscaping plan is going to go well.

      1. +100

        When I work long hours (14-16 hour days) the only thing I can manage when I get home is vegging in front of the tv or going straight to bed. I’d be pretty angry if my hypothetical spouse asked me to do additional housework (especially since he’s still doing dishes and food shopping).

        Im single/live with roommates and when I’m busy I literally only have the capacity to keep myself alive. I do nothing around the house (rely on takeout for most meals, do laundry when I absolutely have to, barely clean), I barely socialize, workout, or do hobbies. Any projects are put on hold.

      2. Right? And he does all the food stuff?

        Stand down, OP. It’s not reasonable to add house stuff to what he’s already doing.

    17. My first husband thought married life was coming home from work, sinking into a chair, and being waited on. I guess in his world the fact that I also had a job and was also exhausted after work didn’t count. It was even worse when we had a child.

      This is not the sole reason our marriage didn’t work out, but it didn’t help.

      1. This is why I would advise having a conversation about personal expectations. What you expect him to handle, what the house is expected to look like, what he expects you to handle, etc.

        Our minds sometimes set expectations that we aren’t consciously aware of. For example, I have always lived in a household where the man did all of the yard work. Doing yard work has literally never crossed my mind. If I was with a partner that expected me to do it, I can see how my satisfaction of getting yard work done might not fit with how they expect it to be done.

  2. Looking for obscure specialist knowledge- anyone know of federal osha has authority to inspect and cite business in a state with a state osha plan?

  3. Would greatly appreciate a rec for a Boston-area/MA immigration attorney who can help with someone denied re-entry due to visa issues. Thanks!

  4. Last week there was a lovely discussion of how great the Lehigh Valley is. My partner and I moved to the Lehigh Valley from the Bay Area in 2020 and while I’ve been enjoying it, she’s been slow to warm up and thinks there isn’t as much here as there was in the Bay Area. That’s probably true (just from a size perspective), but I think we haven’t even scratched the surface of this areas potential. Would love any and all recommendations (pandemic or post pandemic!) of food, activities, etc.

    1. why did you move & what appealed in the first place? and what is partner missing from your old life? for the short term – you’re not far from local skiing though the snow will not be Rockies quality.

      1. Burnout, VHCOL, distance from family network, but ultimately, a job opportunity!

    2. I have no experience with the Lehigh Valley, but my experience moving from a major metro area to a smaller one is that although there is less going on, it’s many times more accessible and affordable. We lived outside Boston and the logistics and expense of going into the city meant that we just didn’t do it that often. We now live in the suburbs of a smaller SEUS city with a pretty decent food and arts scene, and pre-pandemic I was in the city at least twice a week for non-work reasons. We can just up and decide to go to the art museum for a couple of hours whenever we want to. It’s a 20-minute drive and $5 for parking, as opposed to a full-day ordeal and $40 for parking back in Boston.

      I grew up on the West Coast and do miss actual mountains, though. Outdoorsy stuff will be better in PA than in the SEUS–at least you have some snow there–but it’s just not the same as the West. The mountains on the East Coast are old and small and everything is choked with vegetation. I deal with it by getting out as much as possible anyway and then dragging my family camping in the West whenever I can.

      1. I didn’t realize the vegetation issues between East and west (I thought west had vegetation that fueled fires).

        OTOH out west I rent a car and immediately throw a case of water in the trunk because I think I will die of dehydration of I break down.

        1. Just an FYI, since lots of people (including the former president) seem to be confused about this. There are two kinds of fires in the West, forest fires (a huge fraction of which occur in more remote National Forests) and grassland or brush fires (the main kind you get in SoCal and near a lot of urban areas). Forest management doesn’t help much with the second type because there’s not much to log, but there’s still a lot to burn, which means controlled burns and smart land use policy are important.

      2. Lololololol at chocked with vegetation. I hate all the shadeless hikes in the west.

        1. +1 this made me laugh too. As a native of the SEUS the first time I went out west I was like “it’s just so… brown?” but by SO is from the west coast and he misses the arid landscapes out there! Just depends on where you grew up/what feels like home.

          1. I live in the southeast US, and multiple days of hiking in a green tunnel can get tedious. Fortunately, there are plenty of places with diverse terrain and it’s not usually an issue.
            I need more green in my life than arid climates can offer, though they’re beautiful in their own right.

        2. Right? I mean I’m an East Coaster, but I like trees! Bare mountains give me anxiety.

        3. OP is probably not talking about trees but the underbrush which happens in secondary growth forests

          1. Not OP, but as someone who has mostly lived in the West or Midwest, I felt exactly the same way when I lived in the SE, and I’m definitely talking about the trees. I hate that you just can’t see the sky! I love being able to see rocks in the west, but do sometimes miss the green, which probably means I’m a midwesterner at heart- you get big open views and it’s not totally brown.

          2. It’s both the trees and the underbrush. The trees block the views. The underbrush is gross and full of ticks and poison ivy. There are still plenty of trees in the mountains in the West, but where forests have been properly managed you can still see the horizon.

        4. HAHAHAHA! Choked with vegetation is hilarious! ….in PA our mountains are wooded forests that are very green in spring and summer and beautiful color in the fall.

      3. I feel like I’m a big city, it’s all there (but at a high dollar and time cost). In a smaller city, there may be less but you have more time and things cost less so you may feel a bit empty if your prior life was very full and busy. Also, you may have to dig a bit. I follow all local museums and civic groups and restaurants and colleges and there is a lot but also you have to find your groove and calendar things. COVID makes it so much harder. So follow everything (FB is great for this still) and spend some time sifting through some options. LV is great and I feel it punches above its weight class due to NYC / Philly proximity and local colleges.

    3. Lehigh Valley Recs:

      Food & Drink stand outs in the LV: Union & Finch, McCall Brewing, Easton Public Market, The Bayou, Bolete, Yianni’s Taverna

      To find things to do I recommend following these insta accounts – that’s probably the best way to find out about festivals, concerts, events, etc.: @lehighvalleypa, @lvwithlove, @dwntwnallentown

      If you provide some of your / your partners interest we might be able direct you in a better direction.

      1. Agreed that a) it depends what you and your partner like to do and b) moving from a larger city to a smaller one, it will always feel like there’s less to do.

        That being said, some recommendations:
        – the outdoors in the area are great! Being surrounded by mountains you can ski and hike. There’s some recreation on the river (we used to tube on it), the tow path along the river is a great place to run/bike.
        – the food in the area is excellent! My recommendations are mostly in Bethlehem, since that’s where I used to live. Kumo Sushi, Torre (nicer Mexican), Tulum (casual Mexican), and People’s Kitchen (breakfast) are my favorite. Tapas on Main and Bonn Brewing are great and I second the recommendations for The Bayou and Easton Public Market.
        – My favorite fun seasonal activities are Musikfest and Celtic Classic. Christkindlmarkt is also popular.
        – Check out the Steelstacks for pop up events. I remember during the World Cup they’d host watch parties, for example.
        – The casino (formerly Sands, I forget the new name) hosts many concerts.
        – If you like sports, check out the Phantoms (ice hockey – affiliated with the Flyers) or Iron Pigs (baseball – affiliated with the Phillies).
        – Cute main streets and smaller towns: there’s plenty of cute places to drive around or walk around.
        – Colleges! There are a TON of colleges in the area (Lehigh, Moravian, Muhlenberg, Cedar Crest, Penn State Lehigh Valley, Lafayette, etc) so I’d check out what’s going on on campus for things to do! Lectures, musical/theater performances, sporting events, etc. In addition to student/faculty sponsored events, professional events are often brought on campus and tickets are available to the public.
        – Proximity: the LV is so close to NYC, Philly, the Poconos (mountains and lakes), and the Jersey Shore.

      2. Thanks!! This is really helpful. In the Bay Area, it was so easy to walk out the door and stumble across things to do. I think this is what I’ve been trying to figure out–strategies for how to find things to do.

        1. Honestly, that was the hardest thing for me while I lived there – there might be things to do but I just couldn’t walk around and stumble upon them. It’s definitely a transition. Also, sometimes I would just get in the car and drive to the different downtowns/neighborhoods (Easton, Bethlehem, Quakertown, West End Allentown, etc.) when I wanted to get my fix of urban walkabouts.

          Everyone always talked up all the festivals during the summer/fall so hopefully those will come back in 2022.

          Good luck!

        2. Agree that what you are looking for is this type of social media account! Also, consider searching for newsletters that provide similar summaries! I live in the SEUS and Style Blueprint and Do615 are fabulous ways to find out about what’s going on in my area.

    4. I am a married non-white, non-hispanic, lesbian with kids and absolutely would not move to the Lehigh Valley area. I travel there somewhat regularly for work and live in the region. It’s pretty but like 15 years behind in terms of attitudes once you get outside of small circles. I have chosen to raise my family in a place where my kids are the “only” of anything in their class.

      I’m guessing that all of the people that are shouting out the Lehigh Valley are straight, white, Christian, cis people.

      Of the two places, I would absolutely choose to live in the Bay area if I could at all make the finances work, even if that meant a much smaller place to live/longer commute.

      1. – my kids are *NOT* the “only” of anything in their class…

        If you want more gay friendly rural living and to live in the NYC metro – i’d look at warren county NJ or the catskills.

        For philly metro i’d look at chester county, delaware or bucks county.

        1. Half a LOL at Warren County — roadside trash is either picked up by Wiccans or retired hippies or some sort of hunting club. It makes for very interesting people watching at the A&P. It is very beautiful, almost stunning. Just watch out for the deer!

          OTOH, if you are very not vanilla, don’t rail against the vanilla because it’s vanilla. Like you, we are just how G-d made us. Many of us have no choice but to bloom where we are planted. Many of us have also lived in many other places and chose to live somewhere where we can afford to live even if it’s not cool and even if it is down the road from our aging-in-place parents who refuse to be like other parents and retire to The Villages or some other place like that.

          1. I can’t tell what you mean by vanilla here? Everyone is the way they are, I took Bella’s point as she doesn’t want her kids to be treated badly for the way they are.
            Unless vanilla = white and you’re saying that wanting diversity and feeling welcomed as a non-vanilla family/person is somehow anti-white?

          2. My whole point is that people can have different lived experiences.

            The lived experience of this posters GF may be different than that of many posters here which then results in her liking the area less.

        2. Eh. If you find the LV unfriendly as a non-white non-cishet person I think you’ll find many parts of Chester or Delco equally unfriendly (would recommend Montgomery county though). That being said, I know a few LGBT couples in the LV who have had a great experience. Given the large number of universities in the area I don’t think it’d be too hard to find accepting and diverse circles.

          1. I tend to agree. If the LV isn’t whatever-enough for you, write off most of the country then, including surrounding non-city areas.

            I can think of some very small towns where there has been a chain-migration from nearby cities of pink triangle and rainbow flags with friend following friend, acquaintances following after, etc., and maybe a person just needs to target where they settle and do some diligence vs picking an apartment or house randomly off the internet.

      2. I tend to agree. If the LV isn’t whatever-enough for you, write off most of the country then, including surrounding non-city areas.

        I can think of some very small towns where there has been a chain-migration from nearby cities of pink triangle and rainbow flags with friend following friend, acquaintances following after, etc., and maybe a person just needs to target where they settle and do some diligence vs picking an apartment or house randomly off the internet.

      3. This was my reaction to LV as a non-white skinned child of immigrants. I spent a lot of time (granted, in 2012-15) traveling to various cities in LV for work (visiting hospital systems) and was asked multiple times “how my English was so good”. Um…because I was born in the U.S.? This has never happened in Houston, where I grew up and currently live.

        Again, anecdata of 1 and limited experience, also understand things have changed.

      4. I have no idea what you’re talking about, as a life-long LVer. The Puerto Rican population here is massive and greatly supportive. Billboards and signs are in Spanish from downtown Allentown all the way up through Walnutport and other rural areas. Whites are not the majority in the central regions at all.

        Also speaking as the wife, daughter, DIL, and sister of teachers. The student populations of Allentown, Easton, Bethlehem, Whitehall, and Northampton haven’t been majority white since the mid-nineties.

        1. Warren County NJ person chiming in to say, yes, this! Maybe office meetings and management types are different, but a kid’s lived experience should be different than as described here. It’s an immigrant-rich area and if people aren’t immigrants, they are likely children or grandchildren or great-grandchildren of immigrants. Many of my friends in Allentown are Jewish. The population isn’t monolithic.

        1. So saying “okay I acknowledge that may be your experience but my experience was different” is invalidating?

          Bella stated her opinion about the area, informed by her experience. Other people have different experiences. They are also allowed to speak about their “lived experiences” and their opinions. We hopefully have not gotten to a point – here or in society – where only one kind of person is allowed to talk about their lived experience, and everyone else wishing to share is shut down.

        3. My lived experience not matching hers is invalidating? Weird take. Does she get dibs because of the earlier timestamp, or how does that work exactly?

          1. My whole point is that people can have different lived experiences.

            The lived experience of this posters GF may be different than that of many posters here which then results in her liking the area less.

          2. This.

            People are of differing opinions on East- vs West- coast vegetation. How is there only allowed to one one valid lived experience for a region?

          3. Bella was posting as a POC, saying that she saw discriminatory attitudes in the area. Immediately folks jumped in saying that wasn’t the case. It sounded dismissive.

          4. I am used to one person with not a lot of contact with a group saying conclusively that X is racist (or whatever) as if that settles it. And in an area with over a million people actually living there, it’s an anecdote, not data. I want opinions but as many as possible. Not one and done.

          5. “Bella was posting as a POC, saying that she saw discriminatory attitudes in the area. Immediately folks jumped in saying that wasn’t the case. It sounded dismissive.”

            Maybe let people fight their own battles. I am sure Bella is very capable of speaking up if she feels invalidated. I hate to use the term “white-knighting” but what you’re doing is coming perilously close to that.

      6. My comment was not meant to be “OMG LV IS DISCRIMINATORY” – I’m just pointing out that LV is dramatically less diverse than the bay area and that may well be the reason why your partner feels like there is less *for her* to do there.

        For example of of how this region can be unfriendly google Lou Barletta – Congressman for the LV/Mayor of Hazelton who was Trump years before Trump was on the scene.

        Yes, LV has grown a lot more diverse in the last ten years and there is now a large hispanic population there, but honestly, they are not well integrated into over community yet. Neighborhoods are markedly segregated.

        Agreed, there are liberal/diverse communities connected to the universities/hospitals but they are small.

    5. Hi! My spouse and I also relocated/returned to LV following time in California. I second the restaurant recommendations shared below (Union & Finch, Bolete especially, also Grille 3501). If you’d like to post a burner email, I’d be happy to chat. Depending on where your interests lie, I suggest checking out D&L Rail Trail, Miller Symphony Hall, theater department at DeSales University…like many, we’ve been mostly hiking or hibernating recently, but there really is a lot to do around here once you get to know the area.

    6. Vegan Treats bakery in Bethlehem is amazing – doesn’t matter if you are vegan or not!

      1. +1 to Vegan Treats! I’m not vegan, usually don’t like vegan desserts but Vegan Treats is incredible

  5. I’d be very grateful to the hive for any advice on how to tackle a conversation about “gardening” frequency. Boyfriend and I have been living together for about 5 months, having been long distance for several years beforehand. Whilst I appreciate that it’s natural to garden less frequently given the change in circumstances, I’m starting to worry that it’s something we’re not as aligned on as I’d thought. Gardening has gone from everyday to less than once a week, and I’m not thrilled about it.

    How do I have a conversation about this that is genuinely helpful rather than accusatory and critical? I feel pretty rejected and hurt and I worry that I’m not coming at this from the most constructive place.

    1. Is the issue that he’s not initiating, or that you’re initiating and getting turned down?

      Some variation on babe, I love you, and I love getting down with you. Would love to be doing it more often, can we plan for Wednesday to be a racy night?

      You don’t need to solve 100% of this perceived problem in one convo. Just voice your feelings and suggest something.

      1. I’ve been there and it’s hard. I feel like a lot of the advice is for you to initiate, but in my experience, if you keep trying and he doesn’t respond (and men can be pretty clueless to women’s cues in this area), it can get kind of crushing. I would bring it up casually “hey babe we hadn’t gardened in a while and I miss it. Let’s do it tonight/plan for a hot date/[whatever usually works best for you]”. And then if you need to have a bigger conversation at some point, try to bring it up from a positive perspective, i.e. “I love you and you turn me on, I want more of that connection with you” rather than “you are failing me in this area”.

        1. Oh when I initiate I don’t like give subtle clues. I just ask “hey do you wanna bang”. So we are both clear.

          1. Oh look, my twin! When I want more generally, I say to my husband “I think we should have s_x more often.” When I want it in the moment, I say “Let’s bang.” These have been very effective techniques.

    2. Thanks very much for the advice, I really appreciate it. I have been trying to initiate but I suspect in ways that are too subtle. That said, I am finding the constant turning down of my attempts at initiation pretty crushing and its making gardening become a source of anxiety and irritation to me in a way that I hate. I’m feeling upset about the situation such that I worry I’m just going to cry if I raise it, rather than keeping it light and breezy. To be honest, I feel like any attempts at physical contact from me irritate him, and I’m questioning what feeling this way now (early 30s, no kids) means for our future in this sphere of our relationship. I want to feel wanted, not like a chore.

      1. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about this. This isn’t something you need to be breezy about. If you’re not feeling wanted in the relationship, that needs to be addressed right away. You deserve to feel wanted and if your partner is not providing that, then you need to think about whether this is the right person for you.

      2. My now-DH and I went through a period like this before we were married. He became irritated by physical contact from me because I had been initiating at times that he really wasn’t into it. It created a sort of anxiety loop. Me trying to talk to him about it made it worse… initially. I had to back waaayyyyy off to give us a bit of a reset. Over time we’ve come to better communicate about our needs and how we approach each other so we both feel fulfilled.

        Honestly though he just doesn’t have the drive I do. And that’s ok. Like everything else, drive changes over a lifetime. It’s about meeting your partner where they are. It can be really hard as a woman to be the higher drive partner because society tells us that men should be the pursuers. Don’t let yourself get in your head about it. Find validation and intimacy in other ways too.

    3. My experience in my marriage is that there is no dancing around the subject that gets results. The only way to handle it is a direct convo about frequency. It’s not comfortable ripping that band-aid off but IMO it’s better than letting resentment build up over time.

      I will say I don’t think daily frequency is sustainable long-term. But I will also say I was several years into my marriage before frequency dropped to less than once a week. Every couple is different. The most important thing is that it’s not working for you and I think that’s worth a clear, empathetic and productive conversation.

    4. So, two things related to your long-distance past.

      1. when you say it used to be every day, how often did you see each other? Like – DH and I were also long distance and we gardened probably 3 out of the 4 days of every long weekend visit… but we only saw each other once a month, and gardening did not subsequently scale to 75% of full time living together.

      2. Long distance visits felt more like “vacation” gardening because those weekends were full of fun plans rather than life maintenance. We find that doing new stuff as a couple helps bring back some of that feeling – like being intentional with weekend plans out of the house.

      1. Yes that’s definitely part of it. I was prepared for our frequency to drop quite a lot when we moved in together. But I suppose I’d assumed that accounting for that effect, we’d end up c. 3 times a week rather than <1.

    5. Okay, this is a a very delicate issue, because when it comes to different levels of interest in gardening, no one is wrong. So you’re right to want to approach this from a constructive and helpful place.

      First, how recent is this change? Has anything else changed in your lives? Did this coincide with moving in together?

      Second, how is your relationship otherwise? Is this limited to gardening, or do you have a broader feeling of lack of intimacy/connection? I’ve been in relationships where gardening fell off and I felt otherwise alone, and it was awful. Conversely, in my marriage we’ve gone through long periods of limited gardening and it’s been fine because we’re still emotionally connected, love to hang out together, cuddle in the couch, etc.

      When you do garden, who initiates?

      Have you had (or can you have) a conversation about how often would be ideal for each of you?

      1. This is fascinating. Personally, I did not have this issue, as my ex was usually up and ready for me every day when he was sober, often when I had no desire because I had to much concerning me at work, and other times because I was to tired. He also was selfish, demanded a lot of me in bed, and did not care about my needs, if you know what I mean. So there was not much to miss when we broke up.

  6. Favorite high, high, very high waisted workout pants? I’m short-waisted with a mom belly (that I am trying to tamp down!).

    I’ve had good luck with ON in the past, but the last ones I bought…not so much. Currently wearing Target’s All in Motion line and it keeps falling under my belly. Had the same situation with Zelle. I have some Zero Degrees ones that are now just old and falling as well.

    1. Girlfriend Collective always gets praised but they were a bust for me, way too loose at the waist. The only ones I really love are a pair of Gap sculpt ones but they are a few years old.

    2. I like Marika high waisted, but I don’t know if they are higher than any other brands.

    4. Lululemon align. Yes they’re expensive but the fabric is what you’re paying for. Cheaper ones that duplicate the cut aren’t the same.

      1. Agree, I have the same issues and the Lululemon align work by far the best.
        Uniqlo workout shorts also work really well, so maybe they have longer leggings too.

    7. same issue and i tried to buy the cheaper ones, like zella from nordstrom, but they just aren’t the same. i love the stash pocket from Athleta

      1. +1 for Athleta stash pocket. They are pricey but the last forever. Also try setting a search on eBay — I’ve had good luck getting new products for less than retail that way.

    8. I love Zella for this — sold at Nordstrom and sometimes at Nordstrom Rack. I’ve also had good luck with Athleta high waisted.

      1. Outdoor voices are terrible. I sold all of mine on poshmark and got lululemon align instead.

    10. Look into unitards if you’re only wearing them a little while – I have them for like yoga classes with friends. I prefer old navy workout pants, nice and high. (Old navy also has a bunch of unitards.)

    11. Thank you all! I hadn’t considered unitards (but I do kinda live in this stuff…), and lots of new brands to look into. ON has some extra high-waisted with stirrups that seem so lovely for barre or yoga…

    12. by workout pants do you mean leggings? if leggings? i’m in love with my beyongyoga ones right now and I have a large belly that is no issue for them

      1. +1 for BeyondYoga! I never really “got” leggings before I bought a pair of beyondyoga leggings after reading about them in wirecutter. I ended up wearing them almost daily for MONTHS after I got them. I also frequently go indoor rock climbing in them and the fabric has held up shockingly well– no pilling despite banging my legs against abrasive fake rocks all the time. I know it seems like a lot of money to spend on leggings but if you buy one pair of nice ones instead of multiple pairs of cheaper ones it ends up being about the same and theyre sooo much better.

  7. Family boundaries question: We were away for a week and my SIL, a 22 year old college student, came to housesit/dogsit. We leave her some money for groceries and little extra, but not exactly the going rate for a petsitter, she does this pretty regularly, she is great with our dog and likes to get away from her roommates. Our home has a nice guest suite. Every time she stays with us, I make sure the guest suite is clean and well appointed. Last time she came over, it transpired that she had slept in our master bedroom (which I hadn’t cleaned or put clean sheets in because I had assumed she would not go in there). So this time when she came over I was like “OK Jenny, I have you all set up in the guest suite, here are some towels and here is space in the closet for your stuff” just so it was clear. Well, she slept in our room again and told DH it’s just “so nice up here”. This is honestly really weirding me out – I hadn’t even changed the sheets and we came back late this weekend and had to do laundry to change them before sleeping in them. DH thinks I am overreacting and this isn’t a big deal. I’m an only child so I might not have the same boundaries, but this is a little weird, right? I would never sleep in someone else’s room unless it was clearly the only option, and even then, I would make sure they were comfortable with it. But I like SIL and don’t want to cause issues since she is great with our dog.

    1. I think next time, I’d just tidy up the room and change the sheets? A good petsitter is hard to find.

      1. OTOH, where do petsitters stay? We have kids’ rooms and our room and a guest room (all same floor, guest room doesn’t have an attached bath but does have a TV in it, as does our room but not the kids’ rooms).

        1. Our petsitter has to sleep in our room, because that’s part of the dogs’ night routine and where the crate for the youngest one is. The best chance of having no issues for them (two old ones, one of whom has health problems, and one young one) is to preserve their routine. We do leave the bed with clean sheets, though. I figure this is what happens in one bedroom apartments, so it can’t be that strange.

        2. She’s not a petsitter, though, because OP admits she’s not being paid like one. She’s a family member staying at her brother’s house while he’s out of town. I find it a bit strange, but the fact that he doesn’t suggests this is within the limits of acceptable behavior in their family. I would let it go.

      2. Yeah, I guess I’ll do that next time. But it’s bugging me a little since we have a perfectly nice guest room.

    3. To me, this not weird. She’s family, she’s young, she lives with multiple roommates . . . her lines are just different from yours. It does cross a boundary for me, since I’d never sleep somewhere where I hadn’t been explicitly invited to, but see . . . “family, young, multiple roommates.” I might have done the same thing at her age and not cared a bit if the sheets weren’t perfectly fresh.

      Either be more clear that you don’t want her in your master suite, expect her to sleep there and prepare for it, or don’t be clear, see what happens, and sleep in the guest room yourself when you get back (it’s fresh and clean and pristine.)

      Is there something you can do to make the guest suite as nice (or nicer) than the master suite?

      1. Our room is slightly bigger and has a nicer view – it’s on the top floor with a balcony. So I can’t change that. We also have a king whereas the guest room is a queen, but SIL is sleeping alone (as far as I know) so I don’t think it matters that much. But I’ve tried to make the guest room as nice as possible and guests have mentioned it’s really nice.

    4. Strange. Nope. Get a dog sitter that respects the boundaries laid out by you, the home and dog owner.

          1. That doesn’t at all mean “Don’t go in my room” you have to actually use words to get people to know what it is you want.

        2. What kind of lack of home training is going around where folks are going into, let alone sleeping in, someone else’s master bedroom without permission?! This is nuts to me.

          1. Yes, it wouldn’t even occur to me to tell the SIL not to go in my bedroom. Because it’s my bedroom!

          2. Agreed, I would really like to hear from someone who would do this or has done this why or what their thought process was (specifically when they were provided with a guest room or extra room, one bedrooms are a different scenario).

    5. I don’t think it’s very strange but I also get why you’re annoyed. People are just different when it comes to this stuff, particularly when they are young (I would never want to sleep in my partners’ parents’ bed now if I had access to a nice clean guestroom, but when I was in high school and college it was definitely the “thing to do” to sleep in your BF/GF’s bedroom if the parents were out of town). If the sheets issue bothers you, I would just get an extra set of sheets to change before/after she pet-sits. You can even ask her to strip the sheets if she’s going to sleep in your room. This is your sister in law, who is otherwise great, and she’s doing you a favor; I would not make an issue of it.

    6. Ew, this is weird. (And I am the oldest of four; this is not an unreasonable boundary to set!) I don’t want to sleep in anyone’s master bedroom, and I don’t want anyone in mine!

      1. +1 this is gross. And to me at least, a total lack of basic consideration and respect for boundaries, but I suppose everyone has different upbringings and comfort zones. I think you need to be more explicit next time – I’d appreciate it if you’d please sleep in the guest room rather than our bedroom. If she pushes back then definitely a problem with boundaries, and good luck with that. You could respond with something about how you value your pace and privacy, especially in your own home…but seriously, you shouldn’t have to justify it to a guest in your home, favor or not. We can commiserate about SILs that don’t respect boundaries…

    7. I’ve housesat for some friends who are more like my chosen family for nearly 20 years now. If they are there (ie leaving in the morning or something like that) I sleep in the guest room. When they’re gone, I sleep in their room. It’s what the dogs are used to and let’s face it, it’s their house – I’m there for the dogs. If the dogs are happy and relaxed, taking care of them is SO much easier. I always wash the sheets and make up the bed before they return and they know I sleep in their room.

      1. Interesting, thanks. I don’t think our dog minds the guest room – whenever my mom comes over he sleeps there with her the entire time! But that’s an angle I hadn’t thought about. I’ll just get extra sheets and deal with it next time.

      2. HEre’s a question for the dog-sitter. Our dog sleeps downstairs (his choice — he also doesn’t do stairs) and all bedrooms are upstairs. I was assuming our theoretical petsitter would use a spare bedroom upstairs. Yes? No? Dog seems to be OK solo downstairs and is a large breed guy who doesn’t snuggle (and would take up most of any bed anyway).

        1. Is it normal to expect a petsitter to sleep with the dog? This seems odd to me. Why wouldn’t the dog sleep downstairs as usual?

          1. I think it depends on the dog. My adopted mutt has bed aggression so sleeps in the kitchen (no crate or anything, has full range of the kitchen with baby gates across the doorways. He also stays in here while we’re gone for the workday/gone for several hours).

            My brother and I dog sit for each other regularly. His lab is very well behaved and is used to sleeping in bed with people, so when I dog sit his dog sleeps with me. I don’t love sharing a bed with the dog (he’s so big!) but he gets really out of sorts when he doesn’t sleep in a bed with someone so I suck it up.

        2. Every dog/pack is different. I’d start with doing what you propose and if for some reason the dog was out of sorts, I’d probably grab a pillow and blanket & sleep on the couch downstairs. I’d rather be a bit uncomfortable on the couch than deal with missing that he needs to go outside and the ensuing clean-up. Routines evolve as your household changes (more/less dogs, trips become more/less frequent, etc) and your pack and housesitter get to know each other.

    8. I think this is totally something that a young 20-something from a big/casual family wouldn’t think twice about but would totally weird out someone from a more formal family and/or an only child. My family has fewer boundaries than my SILs family (multiple girls, all close in age, who are very much a ‘what’s yours is mine’ family). I would ask your husband to talk to her – ask him to make it clear that you view your bedroom as private space and would really prefer her not to be in there as it’s important to you to come back to a clean neat master (or – if it’s the sheets – can you just ask her to throw them in the wash and remake the bed before you get back)?
      Kind of nice to have a low stakes ‘nobody is really wrong here’ question on a Monday ;)

      1. Yeah, this makes sense. DH’s family is definitely bigger and more informal than mine – they are all very sweet people but we were definitely raised with different rules. I need an extra set of sheets for that room, we recently upgraded to a king so I only have one set, but I’m just going to bite the bullet and set up the master for her next time. Thanks for everyone’s perspective so far!

      2. Such a good point – I’m from a mid sized but very informal family so it’s not at all weird on my radar but I could see for those from a more formal family that it could be uncomfortable.

    9. I know every family is different but I find this very odd behavior and in my (large, casual) family this would be extremely odd. Guests stay in the room which the host has indicated they should stay. I have pet sit for friends and family and never gone in to the primary bedroom. If you have her back—and personally, I would not—I would install a lock a lock on your bedroom door so she couldn’t enter. To me, it is a major privacy violation.

      1. +1. Guests stay where they are told to stay. You don’t take over someone else’s bedroom without being invited to.

      2. +1. I don’t know that I’d lock the door, but I want to reiterate that in my large, casual family, this would be extremely weird.

      3. Agree. I would never sleep in the master bedroom of a house if I was pet/house sitting.

      4. She’s not a guest. She’s an unpaid employee.

        OP the truth is, this isn’t going to change, so put away your vibrat0r or whatever you’re worried about her finding and have a set of sheets for her. She finds your room the most comfortable and it’s such an enormous thing that you have free pet sitting, I think you can afford to be a little more generous here.

      5. she’s not a guest though..shes’ doing them a favor as a (sounds like) pretty underpaid petsitter

    10. Agree with all of the above. Next time, strip the king and wash but do not put clean sheets back on. When you get home, put clean sheets on.

      Your bed won’t be made; she won’t sleep in it.

      1. I was going to suggest something similar, like telling her you are working on a project upstairs so your bedroom is unavailable. I think it’s a “no jerks here, just differnet expectations” situation but also being less direct may help to keep everyone’s feelings intact.

        1. Or literally just use words to say “We don’t want you to sleep in our bedroom, we want you to sleep in the guest room.” I have no idea why the people here are so averse to communicating clearly, especially a group of “high achieving chicks” or whatever.

    11. Does she ever dogsit overnight for other people? This may be common if she does. I knew many people who would dogsit over the weekend in the NYC area while in college and loved it because they got to stay in great apartments and get time away from roommates. Often there was no guest room so they slept in the master. I’m with you and think it’s strange, but it’s common for the companies that coordinate it

    12. Good pet sitters are very hard to find. I’d just let it go. Next time, just change the sheets so it’s ready for her to sleep on. These kind of lines can just vary so much from family to family. In my family, I can’t think of anyone who is likely to do this. In DH’s family, they’d sleep in your bed during a family holiday just bc they wanted a nap after eating too much turkey. Neither is right or wrong, they just have a much closer more lax boundary standard than I do. I’d say this is more just a difference in lifestyles.

      1. Agreed. I honestly don’t understand spending so much time thinking about this. It is weird but she is really helping you out by being someone that you can trust to pet sit. Just address it/prepare for next time and move on. Not every boundary needs to enforced with a strong hand. Do you want a complete stranger in your home? You are going to have to waste a ton more time setting/enforcing boundaries with a complete stranger, as well as worrying about if they are providing proper care for your pet. Just deal with her quirk and go back to life.

    13. It’s real gross to sleep in your brother’s c!m and sweat stained sheets. Sorry to be crass but we all know what happens in a married couple’s sheets (maybe y’all are better than me but ime no one changes their sheets every single time they garden). “We didn’t change the sheets” = we totally banged in those sheets and now you’re wrapping your body in our body fluids. Gross. Real gross. Honestly my solution would be to gross her out; I would joke about this over drinks next time you see her, maybe it hasn’t clicked for her that “old people” still get it on?

      1. So your plan for dealing with somebody who is been very helpful to you and who is family is to gross them out and make them feel bad and guilty? Great idea.

    14. I think it’s ridiculous that you don’t pay her. It’s pretty disruptive to go live somewhere else for a week and take care of someone’s home and pet, even when you have roommates.

      1. I think this is the informal vs formal family thing again. When I petsit for relatives they usually ask what groceries I’d want and/or leave some money for takeout, but they don’t pay (and the few times they’ve tried I haven’t accepted).

        But, I’m from a family where it’s just expected we’ll all pitch in and help each other out (like I’ve helped several adult relatives move – no one ever hires movers, we also go over and shovel/rake for older relatives regularly, most house repairs in our family are also DIY so we lend a hand, lend tools, etc).

  8. Help! A friend made partner at firm and I want to send a gift but my usually go-to of champagne is not an option. What else is a good gift for someone who made partner?

      1. Yea I would just send flowers and maybe take her out to dinner to celebrate depending on covid comfort levels.

          1. For long distance friends I’ll often venmo them with a note if congrats on xyz! Enjoy dinner/coffee/a treat on me.

  9. For all the women who feel like they’re under pressure lately… especially my fellow older sisters…

    Please go listen to the song ‘Surface Pressure’ from Encanto. It’s Luisa’s song and… it speaks to my brain these days.

  10. X-posting to C-Moms as well: I need KN95 (or similar high-filtration masks) for my kids ages 6, 9, and 12. 12 year old can likely wear an adult size. I’m overwhelmed by searching through the options on Am@z0n and am worried about fakes. Does anyone have some they love that they can link to? I would be eternally grateful!

    1. Don’t do Amazon! I like the Powecom child masks at Bonafidemasks.com or the Blue child masks at BeHealthyUSA.net (little girl on the front).

      1. I have a small face and have found Powecom masks to fit well. Ordered from BonaFide Masks around Christmas and received them in 4 days, but I just got an email two days ago that they are seeing an unprecedented surge in orders and are stepping up their production to deal with delays.

        2. I ordered from BonaFide masks on 12/27 and haven’t received them yet, nor have I received any communication since my order was confirmed. At the time I was promised to receive them in four days.
          I’m not posting to complain — I’m sure the demand is unprecedented. Just adding on to this comment to provide a timeline for anyone considering ordering from them.

    2. We bought a set of KN95s at ShopVida, and my 5 year old finds it sufficially comfortable.

      1. I’ve bought KN95s from MaskC – I have no idea if they’re genuine KN95 but I wear them out all the time (including in NYC at Christmastime) and have yet to get sick. They’re also expensive but they have discount codes pretty frequently.

    8. Demetech masks have extra small “D95” masks. I believe these are basically KN95 but they didn’t bother to go get the formal certification (they do have N95 certification for their N95 masks). I think these are basically their N95 masks with ear loops, and I’ve been using them for a while. They also come in fun colors!

    9. Hi, Jessica Malaty Rivera on IG shared a g0 0gle doc in stories of best masks for children and adults with a lot of options, in case the ones others suggest are out of stock. Go to the AMA 1/8-9 highlight and you’ll see it a few stories in.

  11. Any tips on little things I can do when it all just feels like too much? I’m just exhausted and any little thing I do feels like a herculean effort. I scheduled a check up with my psychiatrist and am actively searching for a therapist (it feels impossible to find someone right now, and my insurance won’t cover telehealth). In the meantime, is there anything that you’ve found that alleviates some of that feeling, even for a little bit? I need to get through this workday and ugh.

    1. A nice bath is my top pick. Instead of watching something on your phone or scrolling, try listening to music.

      A treat from an ice cream place or bakery.

      Door dash from a nicer restaurant.

      15 minutes of just rest with your office door locked if you are in the office. I keep a blanket in my office and if it doesn’t gross you out, you could lay on the floor.

      Hang in there! Hope you find something that helps!

    2. A walk outside always perks me right back up. Like a vase of flowers that just got a slug of water.

    3. A walk outside in the sun/fresh air always makes me feel better. If you have 15 minutes I’d take a 10 minute walk, buy a SAD lamp (the ones below are best rated), and then make a list of 3 things you MUST do and then offload everything else (grocery delivery, let laundry pile up or do just one load, order in dinner, etc.).
      https://carex.com/collections/bright-light-therapy-lamps
      For trying to get through chores I don’t want to do I set a timer and let myself do the thing for 10 minutes and then stop (listening to music or calling a friend helps). You’d be surprised what you can do in 10 minutes – I can usually load/unload the dishwasher, wipe down my counters, and throw in a load of landry plus some random straighening up.

      1. All Too Well (10 Minute Version) is great for this as well if that’s your jam.

    4. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Last week I was feeling very stuck and took 15 minutes to delete a bunch of emails and go through my saved photos. Gave me a sense of “done” without taking too much mental energy.

    5. When I feel like this I set a timer for 5 minutes to do xyz with the idea that I can do anything for 5 minutes (usually I have to say this several times to convince myself of this!). After 5 minutes, I’m usually on a roll and can continue but if not, at least I did 5 minutes of the task.

      I also bribe myself all the time. Usually with a fun drink/snack for doing xyz task.

    6. i have to remember to do things like eat lunch and go to bed at a reasonable hour — those make the biggest difference for me. (if i don’t eat lunch or eat too late then i end up binge drinking at night and ordering pizza and then feel like crap the next day.)

    7. I’ve been high fiving myself in the mirror when I accomplish something (big or small) and it’s been surprisingly motivating and reassuring. Google it — it’s a thing. Hugs to you!

  12. Covid question. I’m vaxxed but have a breakthrough infection. (Thanks, omicron!) For the first few days, my symptoms weren’t really that bad. Now I’m past the 5-day isolation period and feel worse than I have the entire rest of the time with Covid. Body aches, headache, and I want to sleep sleep sleep. Normal? Something to call the doctor about? I’m pretty sure there’s nothing to be done, but it did surprise me to wake up feeling worse today. DH has a scratchy throat today, and I’m hoping he tests negative because if not, he’s headed into isolation while I wrangle the kids.

    1. Normal, rest up as much as you can. The guidelines are really focused around asymptomatic people and aren’t a guide to what the disease actually manifests as if you get it.

      1. Same — also they are people with “resolving symptoms,” which isn’t the case for all cases. I hope you feel better soon!

      2. OP here. I feel like the CDC has really screwed up with the latest guidance. It’s more confusing than ever, and I swear I’m a reasonably smart person who can usually read between the lines.

        1. You are not past the isolation period, because your symptoms are not resolving, they are worsening.

    2. Not a medical professional but that is anecdotally normal for my friends. I’d give it a few days if you don’t have any worrying symptoms.

    3. Normal among the people I know who have had Omicron. It starts out as “allergy” type symptoms, then progressed to “head cold” symptoms, and the worst days seemed to be between Day 5 and 10.

    5. Normal based on the experiences my friends have had with omicron. I know a lot of people with breakthrough infections.

      My friends who have prioritized rest and getting plenty of electrolytes (via Gatorade or another sports drink) and vitamins/good nutrition had an easier time with recovery. It takes time for your body to heal so give it as much time as you can.

    6. Normal, and you aren’t past the isolation phase if your symptoms are getting worse. 5 days is for asymptomatic + test results only.

      My husband, vaxxed and boosted, has been sick with what we assume is covid for a week. We haven’t gotten test results back from PCR swabs on Wednesday. He is fastidious about masking – always uses a surgical mask or N95, won’t take it off outside even if no one is around – but omicron is powerfully infectious. I haven’t gotten sick, but I isolated the first 5 days, and have been using an N95 on my brief errand runs since then in case I’m carrying it.

    7. A couple friends who ended up getting hit pretty hard felt works starting at day 3, resolving around days 5 and 7 respectively. If you feel like you can’t breathe def seek medical help, but if it’s just “worse flu symptoms” I’d get it a couple days to see if improvement is around the corner.

    8. If you are worried, get or borrow a pulse oximeter. If your oxygen is in the normal range, you probably just have normal symptoms.

      1. Monitoring oxygen isn’t a bad idea, but until we know more, I’m just as worried about thromboses, embolisms, and generally cardiac stuff w/Omicron. I know it’s still off-label in US, but if I felt really sick, I would be asking my doc about fluvoxamine or whether they’d recommend something else.

    9. Curious: for everyone who says they have/know people with omicron, are you just assuming or are you actually getting the sequenced results? I’m sure it’s likely, but at least in my area you don’t get your variant back with your results.

      1. No, the results don’t come back with the variant specified. It was reported 6 days ago that 95% of all cases in the US are omicron, so its not a stretch to assume that you have that variant if you test positive for covid.

        1. +1 and especially if you’re vaccinated (and/or previously infected) because Omicron is much better than prior variants at evading immunity.

  13. I know this is a dumb question but can someone explain how hot water bottles work? Most I’ve looked at don’t seem to be microwaveable. I don’t really want to have to pour out the used water back into my kettle to reheat the water, but is that what you do?

    2. Just replace the water? Why would you re-use the water? (Although if you did, it wouldn’t be a big deal – it’s not getting touched by anything.)

      1. OP here: Because that’s wasteful? Especially at the office where the only hot water I have access to is from the water cooler “hot” tap. I don’t want to waste everyone’s drinking water. Kinda surprised you all just throw out the water–I guess you don’t live in areas with droughts?!

        1. I do and I reuse water by watering house or outdoor plants with it. I would never ever drink the water that had been in a hot water bottle! So much potential to ingest mold spores, dust, etc.

        2. As you’re pouring it from the hot water tap it may seem like it’s more water than it is – I boil about 1.5 litres of water to fill my hot water bottle, about the same as for four cups of tea, which I would easily drink to stay warm over the course of a work day. It’s not a waste if you need it.

        3. Water that I pour down my drain filters back into the ground and becomes drinking water again, so it’s not wasteful where I live. I would imagine that hot water bottles don’t hold much water, though, so it seems pretty minor.

        4. I would not consider it safe drinking water after being in the hot water bottle.

          I always just pour mine down the drain, but I don’t live in a drought area, but also the discarded water would be treated and recycled, no? If you don’t want to waste the water, I’d use it to water plants or to use to rinse something off but that’s about it. If you use near boiling water, then my bottle stays hot for hours so I often don’t even need to re-heat.

          If you’re concerned about using up the water cooler, what about getting an electric kettle for your desk? You could use tap water from the bathroom/kitchen and then heat in in the kettle.

        5. I also live in a drought area, but the amount of water used in water bottles is quite small compared to the amount I waste waiting for the water to get hot every time I shower or wash dishes (don’t have a yard, so nowhere to collect water this water and dump it, but no lawn= much lower water use). If it’s that big of concern, I’d use an electric heating pad or those stick on ones. Where I live, treated wastewater gets dumped into the ocean, so it’s no longer usable as drinking water at that point- that’s actually very rare, though when it’s released into rivers, it will be used by downstream cities, just much diluted.

          1. Also, it turns out that water conservation efforts are actually causing problems with wastewater treatment in my town. Apparently people have reduced water enough that now the concentrations of stuff they need to remove (like the surfactants from soap) are so high that they’re having problems with their treatment processes. It’s obviously good to save water, but I really wouldn’t stress too much about a liter or two a day for your hot water bottle.

          2. Yeah, I think the answer is if you’re worried about water usage get a heating pad instead of a hot water bottle. Pretty simple solution.

        6. This is conservation theater. Think bigger picture. Dump the water from your water bottle and add new.

    3. Newly minted Brit chiming in. I think you just use new water, the water comes out smelling rubbery so I wouldn’t use it in my kettle, unless I only used the kettle for hot water bottles. I prefer an electric heating pad to a water bottle though.

    4. I just pour fresh hot tap water in each time. When it cools, I drain the old water down the sink, and let the hot water bottle dry in the dishrack (if it’s not being used right away again.

    5. I would definitely not put the water back into the kettle unless you’re cleaning it before drinking out of it. I haven’t used one in ages, but my recollection is that the water stays hot for quite a while and then you put new hot water in when you want to use it again. If you don’t want to waste water, use it on your plants or something, but you don’t want to drink it or keep reboiling it so many times that hard water deposits build up.

    6. You fill a kettle with water. Bring it almost to a boil. Fill the hot water bottle. And when you are done, you pour the water down the sink.

    7. Use fresh water out of the tap (either the hot tap or via the kettle) each time you fill it, and tip the used water away (or save for watering your houseplants if you have them) afterwards.

      Not a dumb question if they’re new to you!

      Be aware that if it’s super hot you shouldn’t put it close to your skin – I got hot water bottle rash on my legs last week from putting one with just-boiled water on my lap when it was very cold (I had a thick cover on it and was wearing jeans so assumed it would be okay – not the case!).

      1. OP here: thanks for your kind answer! I think reusing for plants is probably the way to go.

    8. I just pour the water out and reheat more water.

      is this for your bed? If so, I swear by a mattress heating pad

    10. If you have a microwave, instead of a water bottle, I take a large cotton sock (think old-school men’s tube sock), fill it with rice and knot the end. You can reheat it infinitely.

      1. We always have a couple of rice socks around for sports injuries or post-workout muscle soreness. IMO they work better for sore joints and sore necks and hold on to heat longer than water bottles.

        1. I have those blue liquid gel packs /plastic squares / that can be frozen or microwaved from the drugstore. Beware of microwaving them for too long though….I do 30 seconds, and then 30 seconds again to avoid bursting or damaging them. They last a long time and can be added to a pillowcase, or you can purchase various ‘sleeves’ or packs for them. I learned about these from my husbands physio when he asked my husband to purchase a Velcro holder for his shoulder where the gel pack could slide into.

    11. I just pour it down the sink and boil fresh hot water. However, if you are *particularly* concerned about water conservation, I guess you could re-boil the water in a pot rather than use a kettle, and then wash out the pot (but that uses water so not sure it would save water on a net basis) or have a separate cheap kettle just for that purpose.

    12. I have never bothered with the water bottles because I worry about leaking but have a bounty of heating pads! If you cannot have a plug-in heating device (sounds like this is for your office), then Ostrichpillow has what looks like a hot water bottle but it’s a clay insert you pop in the microwave to heat. You can also freeze the insert. (It’s called Heatbag.) I have one and have enjoyed using it as a lumbar pillow to warm up my back when it feels tight. There are also some of those sport gel freezer packs at pharmacies that can also be heated that might help.

    13. Good quality hot water bottles adhere to safety standards, but those standards are to protect you from burns and leaks, not food safety. Do not put your hot water bottle water back in the kettle, that’s not food safe and you’ll contaminate your kettle.

      I’m sure the energy and water waste with your hot water bottle is probably less than the energy you would use to heat your bedroom enough to not need the bottle.
      But if you want to use the water – how about using it to flush the loo after a morning wee?

  14. Where do you find decent joggers for men?

    A relative asked for a rec and I had no idea. He is an athletic 50 year old, cyclist type. He has all of his biking/hiking gear, and was looking for the kind of relaxed joggers he would wear at home.

      1. +1 DH is not a yoga / athletic guy at all and scoffed at the recommendation at first, but he loves them.

  15. My salon changed hair color brands and while the new shade matches correctly (only got my roots done, so I can see there’s no break) it looks really…flat, I guess? My hair is shiny, but the color is bizarre-looking in a way I’m having trouble putting my finger on. She said she was mixing two shades to give it “dimension” but I don’t think that worked.

    Weirdly, they switched to Wella, which I had great results from at my old salon. I’m a neutral brunette, level 3-4, if that matters. Anyone know what I should ask for at my next appointment to get better results?

    1. I would mention your concern and let them figure out how to address it, but perhaps they can end the color session with a glaze that gives your hair a bit more shine. My colorist always does this.

  16. Related to the COVID question above – my husband and I both recently tested positive (him last Wednesday, and me officially today but fairly certain I contracted it from him last week and started feeling sick Friday). We are both vaxxed and boosted. Work for me is CRAZY right now, and I have already missed a ton of days since mid-October for various reasons. I know there’s no miracle cure but is there anything anyone has done to help them manage symptoms or get through this more quickly? I know rest and fluids are key, but curious if anything else has been helpful for others.

    2. Anecdotally – if you try to push through, it’s going to last a lot longer than if you take a few days to let your body rest.

      I’m in year end close at work so I know that’s next to impossible if you’re in a job like mine right now. Delegate as much as you can, focus on only the highest priorities, and give yourself time to take an hour nap in the afternoon. Find one day this week where you can take a full half day off and use it to let your mind and body both rest – lay on the bed doing absolutely nothing.

    3. DayQuil and NyQuil worked well for me with omicron two weeks ago. NyQuil kept me groggy the next day, so I only used it on the weekends. DayQuil was a lifesaver for keeping on top of emails.

    4. Hot water, juice of one lemon, couple teaspoons of honey…drink several times a day

    5. Rest, fluids, vitamins C and D, and zinc. But honestly rest is the only thing that help

  17. Does anxiety present like this? And tips on how to handle the next 2+ months?

    Haven’t been able to fall asleep before 4 am for weeks – doesn’t matter if I go to bed at 11 or at 2, I’m up until 4. Then end up sleeping until around 2pm and then lying in bed for another 2-3 hours after that basically getting out of bed when the sun goes down. And then with that there are like no meals eaten – I’ll eat crackers or something when I get up and then dinner around 8 pm will be cereal.

    In early Dec I heard from my cardiologist that I needed further testing for an issue I’ve had for a few decades – it’s sedated, half day in the hospital type testing; they said it wasn’t urgent but I needed to do it within a month or two. It either goes well or results in needing a surgical fix. I guess I could have scheduled it right then but the variant was starting to spread and I wasn’t boosted so I thought it was better to get the booster first. Well since then hospitals on the east coast are slammed – they aren’t scheduling this type of thing or if they are it’s just not super safe as staff is stretched thin/having to return from quarantine early etc. At this point I feel like it probably is better to wait until Feb/March.

    I know LOTS of people are in these situations but how do I keep functioning in the meantime? While I took two weeks off around the holidays where I sat on the couch and/or kept up the sleep schedule above and I got away with it last week at work to log on for like an hour here or there, it’s not sustainable. I mean I am “congratulating” myself today because I got up and got going by 11 am for a 12 pm call. Tips? Only thing I think may have helped today was that last night I forced myself to eat a regular dinner – nothing fancy just a one pot pasta but still something more than cereal or crackers and cheese.

    2. Call your regular doctors office today and say you urgently need an appointment regarding anxiety that is keeping you from sleeping or eating. Take anxiety meds. Tell you other doctor you want the test the second it can be scheduled.

    3. I wouldn’t assume this was psychological without getting a workup/seeing a sleep neurologist (I might also report it to the cardiologist if there’s any possibility it’s a symptom of the issue that needs checked).

      For me this has been a birth control side effect before (so, endocrinological). It feels psychological when it’s happening, but in my experience, a lot of things can feel like anxiety (endocrine issues, blood sugar issues, and the cardiac issues I have had).

      So I would vote for seeing a doctor before jumping straight to therapy and Xanax (even if those end up being relevant too).

      1. In general I’d agree that’s very possible that this could have other explanations, but if it started when you got this news and you feel very anxious about this specific issue, I think it’s very likely that this is caused by anxiety and these are the classic symptoms. It’s pretty reasonable to have anxiety in this situation, so the question is whether you want medication to help you deal with it or if you’d rather work through management strategies on your own (exercise, meditation, etc.). If you’re not sure, talk to your doctor and see what they can do.

        1. Regardless of whether it’s anxiety or something else, OP needs to go to a doctor.

    4. Definitely talk to your doctor as a first choice.
      I went through some serious insomnia a few years ago due to a move, and very rigorous sleep hygiene practices really helped me.
      – Get back out of bed if I don’t fall asleep within one hour. Do something un-stimulating for a while until I try again (for me this was jigsaw puzzles)
      – Get up at a regular time, even if you have fallen asleep late.
      – Compress your sleep cycle — it is HARD, but it really worked for me.

      Look up “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Insomnia” for more info. I did this self-guided through an app.

    5. My depression manifests like this – exhausted at all times except when I lay down to sleep at night. I was able to get a teleheath psychiatric appt relatively quickly through my insurance. Since my depression is sprinkled with some anxiety, yes very possible this is your anxiety.

      Your mileage may vary but I used CBD while waiting on psychiatric drugs and it seemed to help. Possibly as a placebo, but if the placebo works I’ll take it.

  18. I’m sure this has been discussed to death but do any other WFH people have trouble with basic hygiene during the work week? I sleep in as long as possible because I need every minute, open my laptop, and then suddenly it’s 2:30 in the afternoon and I haven’t brushed my teeth. This is totally self-imposed, I just have a really hard time taking breaks.

    2. So, yes, and while somewhat related to depression, its also very much a matter of having to keep myself to a schedule and set timers. Timers are my friend. Checklists are my friend. Otherwise it is feast or famine for me in work and personal things.

    3. Could this be related to skipping meals and/or coffee? If I don’t eat or have my coffee I don’t have the energy to pry myself out of my chair.

    4. Yes, and I don’t think it has anything to do with depression (for me personally). WFH has just thrown my mental checklist out of wack. Instead of needing to brush my teeth before heading out the door, I’ll make breakfast and then check emails while I’m eating. Then frequently get sucked in to meetings, etc. I totally get it, and know that I need to rearrange my morning schedule to brush my teeth before sitting down to work – but I just haven’t yet.

      1. I’m with you. I don’t think I have depression? Maybe? But I’m getting out of bed about 5 minutes before I need to be online and just stumble to my desk. I have a couple early afternoon meetings that I am sometimes on camera for, so I take a mid-morning break to put myself together and have late breakfast. Could I get up 15 minutes earlier and do a morning routing? Yes, but I also value every last second being cozy and warm in bed.

      2. +1, the consequence of meeting sprawl to take over what was formerly commute time. Unless I need to be on video first thing, I don’t feel obligated to be office-ready for a 7:30 call when I have a break to shower after, etc.

    5. Yes, totally, I’ve definitely done this because I’ve let my time in bed creep closer and closer to when I start work. It doesn’t have anything to do with depression for me.

    7. A bit, because my ADHD needs a schedule, but my lizard brain demands to run free from restraint.

      I always showered at night, so that part isn’t a problem for me, but the little things do need timers and nudges from my phone. Medication alarm goes off at 7:00, toothbrushing alarm goes off at 7:15, etc.

    8. I don’t work from home, but this is often me on the weekends. I just get started with breakfast, kids, chores, and some things just fall by the wayside. Some days I shower at 3pm.
      Does it bother you? If it does maybe consider removing friction points? Like put tour toothbrush somewhere more convenient, set a daily calendar reminder to brush your teeth. Or write it on your to do list. I literally have brush and floss on my to do list because I am so exhausted by the time I get my kids to bed that i just want to collapse right then and there.

    9. Yes – I have really been struggling with this. It feels like its either a day where I do proper hygiene and chores, life stuff etc. OR have a proper workday, but never both in the same day.

    10. Ok so the first time I regularly worked from home was in 2012 (my job moved across the country but I didn’t) I fell into the rut you describe. I was also dealing with working east coast hours from the west coast, so my first meeting was often at 5:30 or 6:00. I would often find myself at the end of a workday, hair and teeth unbrushed, still in my pajamas. It made me miserable.

      The truth is that I was staying up too late. I was used to going to bed between 11 and 12, and that wasn’t working for my new schedule. I switched to showering at night, going to bed an hour earlier, sleeping in something less like pajamas (like leggings), getting up with just enough time to brush my teeth and take my allergy meds, and I kept a hairbrush and some skincare at my desk. It helped me so much just to feel even slightly pulled together at my desk. Thank goodness this was before video meetings were normal.

      Now that I’m WFH again, I follow the same advice. I even have a toothbrush downstairs now for “those mornings” and I still have my hairbrush and skincare in my desk drawers. Since I wear glasses, I find that moisturizer, sheer lipstick, and a ponytail are really all I need to look presentable enough for zoom.

      Just think about your obstacles and work around them.

    11. I use my favorite news podcast (15 minutes or so) to brush my teeth, wash my face, etc. Leave your laptop alone until you’re done, or log in to appear available and walk away before opening any emails or dealing with any tasks.

    12. Yes, but it’s not because I am too busy, it’s because I hate showering/getting ready and I see no one during the day so who cares. I am not depressed – I am actually in a great place right now. I just find showering an annoying waste of time when I could be drinking my coffee and doing my crossword or my yoga or meditation, or anything else I prefer to do more (so like everything). I also sometimes workout in the evening, so if I know I am going to get extra gross at the end of the day, why shower in the morning if I am going to shower at night? I do shower before I leave the house, of course, so everyone calm down, but if all I am doing is sitting in my pjs in front of a compuater all day? Who cares.

  19. As I attempt to ‘clean house! get organized!’ for the zillionth new year in a row, I’m plagued by two items I can’t bear to throw out, though I know I should. If you have conquered this before, I would love to know what you do with them:
    – Greeting Cards/Handwritten Notes – A simple happy birthday, I’ll pitch; but good luck notes and such from friends/family. I can’t bring myself to do it!
    – Magazines – I finish them and rarely look at them again, but I can’t shake the feeling I *might* need something from a 2012 issue of Real Simple.
    Help!

    1. Magazines: I hear you. I will keep the current and previous year’s issues and a handful of holiday ones. Everything else gets pitched. It helped to give myself a hard boundary, like my collection can’t exceed this shelf.

    2. I also can’t get rid of cards. I saved most cards from my beloved late grandmother, one of them still has $5 in it from the last birthday card she sent me. I’ll keep those forever.

      1. Yes I always keep handwritten cards. I have a few really heartfelt ones that I love to look back on when I’m feeling down, but I also have basic ones – including several from now deceased relatives that I treasure. I keep them in a a folder of cards in a drawer in my desk.

      2. I keep handwritten correspondence, too. It’s precious!

        Magazines? You can always find the articles online so I am ruthless about that now even though it hurts. I find it helps to toss the previous issue the minute the new one arrives.

    3. Unsubscribe from the magazines (or go digital) and they won’t be coming into your house in the first place.

      1. This is a bad idea, she obviously likes magazines! The answer isn’t to stop getting them, it’s to start recycling them.

    4. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping those cards and notes!

      Magazines – maybe start an ‘inspiration’ folder that you literally tear pages out for, and then recycle as you go?

      1. This is the answer. I also read magazines on my phone and they don’t go back to the library until I’ve noted down everything I bookmarked in them.

    5. I am by no means organized but for cards I have a nice, big box that I throw them.
      For the magazines – it’s a struggle. I just force myself to chuck them but if there is something specific i am attached to like a recipe, I rip it out and into another box it goes. I also sometimes take a screenshot of it. That becomes digital clutter but it’s better than a physical stack.

    6. Two stories, both having to do with death.

      My neighbor was born in the house she died in at age 90+. She never threw out anything, including newspapers. When she needed emergency services, they couldn’t get a stretcher into her house because her living area was just pathways between stacks of newspaper and old mail. After she died, her family invited the local historical society to come take whatever they wanted. They took less than one banker’s box of items. She thought she was preserving history but the truth was she had just given her home over to garbage. Her family eventually had to hire dumpsters and cleaners to just trash everything.

      My mom when she died had cupboards full of old greeting cards and mementos. Again, it fell upon her family (my siblings and I) to deal with it. It all went in the trash. We did not save a single hallmark card.

      These things are not valuable. If someone wrote something on a greeting card that you want to remember, take a picture of it. Your 2012 issue is Real Simple is useless and if you really need something from it, you can find it on the internet.

      Don’t let your stuff own you. Get rid of it.

      1. These are kind of extreme examples. OP sounds like she finds comfort in looking back at notes from family and friends, so IMHO she should keep them – this does not sound like a hoarder situation, more “how do you store this stuff in an organized way.” It doesn’t matter that they are meaningless to others after death.

        1. You don’t think “I can’t bring myself to throw away a 2012 issue of a magazine” is indicative of a problem? She said, literally, “Help!”

          I think too many of you are projecting your own attachment to clutter on OP, who is asking for ways to get out from under clutter.

          1. I appreciate your perspective here. I have seen my parents clean out their own deceased parents’ belongings and, I get it. One day it’s a few magazines and the next… you make a good point. Thank you.

      2. You’re saying OP is a hoarder and she has given us no indication that she is. This isn’t very helpful.

        Nobody is going to go through their camera roll to look at photos of an old greeting card (and what’s your plan to deal with that digital clutter?) but I do go through the box of cards and letters I have and read through them.

          1. Everyone says they will do that, but having now cleaned out three dead people’s houses, no one does.

            And not being able to throw away a 2012 issue of Real Simple is how it starts.

          2. “Everyone says they will do that, but having now cleaned out three dead people’s houses, no one does.” Throwing away a box full of greeting cards is not a giant burden to leave on survivors.

          3. A single box of cards? No. But an entire houseful of cards and magazines and Tupperware with missing lids and florists’ vases and receipts and old crossword puzzles and expired toiletries and clothing with holes and stains and bulging bureaus and cabinets and drawers with who-knows-what is absolutely a burden on family. It doesn’t end with greeting cards and 10 year old magazines. It is not limited to one or two categories. Someone who holds on to detritus holds on to it in every category.

          1. Hoarding is a symptom of an actual mental illness, and I don’t think what information OP has given us suggests she is really a hoarder.

    7. I have started putting greeting cards in sheet protectors in a binder. I also have sheet protectors that fit two 5×9 cards per sheet that work great for most cards. I find it also makes it easier to look through them when I want that trip down memory lane.

    8. Once every few months I go through magazines, tear out what I want to keep then recycle the rest. I have a binder with page protectors I keep torn out recipes and design/travel inspiration from magazines that I refer to when I want things. Takes up way less space. And similar to others I have one of those “pretty” boxes you see at tj maxx i keep paper mementos like nice cards in.

    9. I don’t toss cards, letters, etc. I have a plastic tote and keep them all in there and that tote is in my attic.

      Magazines have to go! Toss them in recycling now and you’ll feel so much better :)

    10. Toss the magazines.

      For cards – I have a box that is a little larger than a shoe box. When it gets full, I read through the cards and toss ones I am less invested in to make more space.

    11. I don’t have a huge amount of handwritten correspondence, but I’m glad I kept what I do have. The person I really looked up to as a kid, and kept in touch with once I left home, died recently and I’m grateful to have his letters from 25-30 years ago reminding me that I’m not a f**k-up. I still pull them out when I’m having a rough time.

    13. I was raised to think I would eventually take everything “special” and make zillions of scrapbooks, and to pack all of those things away in boxes, along with receipts and brochures from vacations. Are you similarly suffering from some conditioning as a kid? I diligently saved and packed everything away and labeled it in envelopes. After maybe my 5th move in 7 years as an adult, I realized I was just carting around boxes of “special” things that I never looked at, just moved from under my bed in one apt to under my bed in the next one. Ask yourself really why you can’t let go – are you afraid you will one day want to read them? Surely not all of them. Envision what happens in a few years if you don’t have those cards – it’s probably not bad. Free yourself!

      1. YES! In the late 90’s/early aughts, my mother + grandmother were CREATIVE MEMORIES consultants; so this is where the thinking began. Oh – we need to “scrap” your girl scout trips into a book for you to keep forever! Do I even look at those albums now? Never. So just like you, I have been carting this bric-a-brac around and shoving in whatever corner I can find. I think that has boiled over into other parts of my brain. Wow, thank you.

    14. Scan the cards and notes or keep them if you want to. These are irreplaceable.
      Magazines – all of the info in them can be found in archives, online, etc. Toss them.

    15. For magazines, if you’re in the US: the Library of Congress has all the magazines in their collection. All of them, even Real Simple. For ever. If you ever truly need something from a 2012 issue of Real Simple you can get it.

      You don’t need to take on the burden of being the keeper of the magazines, Library of Congress has it covered!

      Cards – get or assign a keepsake box, and keep as many cards and notes you can fit in the box. Don’t feel bad that you’re keeping them, but put a limit to how many you can keep.

  20. Help.

    Situation: Single mom (shared custody but they’re with me most of the time) with 3 kids, one of which can’t get vaxxed and 2 who could but their dad objected until after one of them got COVID (he’s fine now). Just got out of quarantine and were right back in again for the rest of this week.

    Problem: my career is in the doldrums. I had a great job in March 2020 and hung onto it for a while but it was impossible to keep up with homeschool, I didn’t do well with managing a team and working from home for such an extended period of time, and my weight and fitness has suffered too so less energy to expend.

    Question: what are helpful strategies to dig out of this hole? I am on anxiety meds, have a great therapist, have an “ok for now” IC job, and am isolated from friends and family due to where I live (can’t move as the kids dad is nearby; he also doesn’t have family here and is not at all cooperative).

    1. I’m sorry but can one parent really prevent the children from getting vaxxed? That’s absolutely nuts. I commend you for being a much more patient co-parent than I would be. I have no advice but I think you should give yourself all the credit because it sounds like you’re doing so much better than most people would in your shoes.

      1. This is why we are separated. Yes apparently he can object, and did.

        I give myself a lot of credit as the children are thriving despite the struggles. I need my career to get back on track so that I can continue to afford the help needed to work, so that I can provide for my family.

      2. I work in family court and we have hundreds (possibly thousands at this point) of cases involving vaccine disputes.

      3. Yes, generally one parent can block the other parenting from vaccinating. I have a divorced friend who couldn’t give his kids the standard pre-Covid vaccines because their mother objected.

    2. If by IC job you mean intelligence community, I’d recommend looking for a private sector job. I’m a private sector intel analyst (never thought I’d leave government but here I am!) and there are tons of well compensated, interesting, individual contributor/non management jobs. Private sector jobs are obviously unclassified so can be done remotely (so you can find a job outside of your geographical area)

      If you’re trying to be healthier and connect with long distance friends/family can one of them be a long distance accountability partner? I love to combine fitness and friend time, even virtually. My friends and I use the peloton app (non bike) so we’ll take the same class at the same time. Another friend and I plan walks where we call each other and take a 45 min walk. If you have a specific goal (run a 5k, do 25 push-ups, etc) find a friend with the same goal and train together (even if you do your 5k in your city and they do a 5k in theirs you can probably find one on the same weekend). You could also do a healthy recipe club where you and a friend cook the same healthy recipe and talk on the phone while you cook and/or compare notes and thoughts on the recipe.

      Obviously being a working single mom does not leave you with a ton of free time but I think it is crucial to keep a hobby that is just for you! I started knitting and sitting down with trashy tv, a glass of wine and my knitting is the perfect me time. Sometimes I have time for a whole movie, sometimes I can only fit in 5 minutes before bed.

      1. This is great advice, thank you. I’m an Individual Contributor and was a private sector finance director. Reluctant to start a new job while COVID continues.

      1. One can’t due to age, one already had it and recovered (I want to take him asap for vaccination), and third has an appointment for vaccination. The vaccines are not as easy to get as I thought they would be.

  21. I could use some help identifying a volunteer activity: my superpower is paperwork and the willingness to take on bureaucracy. I’m looking for organizations in NoVA/DC that could take advantage of this. I want to be that boring person who sits in front of a computer typing. Any thoughts on this?

    1. I’d recommend looking for an organization that is working with resettling Afghan refugees. I worked (for my job) on some resettlement efforts and there was a lot of paperwork! I don’t have a specific recommendation but I know several organizations are involved!

      1. I may have a specific recommendation if that appeals to you. Post a burner if so and I can check.

      2. Yes! I reached out to Miry’s List recently to volunteer and helping with paperwork was one of the key needs identified.

  22. Hey there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group? There’s a lot of people that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thanks

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