Tuesday’s TPS Report: ‘Chassis’ Jacket

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Bailey 44 'Chassis' JacketIt’s interesting to browse around and see how different sites have this collarless, modern jacket styled. Nordstrom (pictured) goes conservative — it almost reminds me of something St. John’s there. Meanwhile, over at Revolve Clothing and Bloomingdale’s, they have it styled super casually (Revolve has not just ripped jeans, but a ripped tee as well). So: it’s versatile. I like the clean, modern lines, and the faux leather trimmings. It’s $297 at Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s (and sold out at Revolve, alas). Bailey 44 ‘Chassis’ Jacket

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  1. We are in the process of building a new house. My parents would be gifting an amount of more than 10K for the mortgage downpayment. From the research I’ve done so far it looks like some additional paperwork is needed to document the gift. However, I’m unclear on whether we would have to pay taxes on the amount we receive from them.

    We’ll be talking to our mortgage rep, but I was just curious if anyone had any experience with this situation. Thanks!

    • The gift tax exclusion is now up to $14,000 as of this year. This means your parents could give you up to $28,000 (they each get $14,000), plus they could do the same for your husband too if you’re married and they’re comfortable with that, without having any gift tax implications.

      • Diana Barry :


      • Gus is right. My dad told me he and MOM have been gifteing me money every year on a gift tax form so that the apartement will be mine even tho he already paid for it. I am NOT sure how this is done, but he is NOT paying any taxes and I get a free apartement even tho I had no real saveing’s. YAY!!!!

        Dad called the manageing partner this morning on a confrence call to tell him I would NOT be a partner. The manageing partner seemed very quiet, and then said he was relyeing on the contribution, and it was NOT a legal probelem, but I should consider the doctrine of PROMISORY ESTOPOPPEL??!!!???

        What in the world does this PRROMISORY ESTOPOPEL have to do with me and my partnership? I rememember that in law school this was something I read about in Contract’s or Tort’s, but I never used it again. Does anyone in the hive know what he was talkeing about? I hope he is NOT refering to my clotheing allowance? FOOEY!

    • On a related note (your loan officer will explain exactly), make sure there is a clear paper trail from your parents’ account to your account. Checks are great, large deposits of cash can hold things up.

    • Thanks! My husband and I have separate savings accounts. So I’m thinking if two transactions of $10K each are made to each account, it should be part of the gift tax exclusion. I’m pretty sure they will be able to write checks from their account that we can then deposit in ours. Appreciate the info!

      • Your dad could deposit up to $14k into your account. Your mom could deposit up to $14k in your account. Then they could each deposit $14k into your husband’s account. That’s $56k in tax free asset transfers.

        • Unless both of your parents have given away $5.25 million in gifts each, it will be tax free even if it goes above the $56,000, they just won’t have to file anything.

          • Anonymous :

            Thanks for this info! Is the filing process painful? Why do people make a big deal if there’s no actual tax due when you go over 14k? (Assuming most people won’t reach the 5.25 million limit.)

    • Make sure to tell your mortgage person about this in advance, because it will change the mortgage application. There is paperwork – we had to get an affidavit from the parents indicating that the money was a gift, and also a copy of the latest statement for the parents’ account from which the money came. The deposit was also visible in the paperwork we provided for our account. As long as the mortgage rep is aware of this up front, there should be no problem.

      • Yep, we did get a form from our rep that needs to be filled out for the gift amount. The main thing my parents were concerned about was us having to pay taxes on the money they give to us.

        • The recipient is never liable for gift tax — it is the giver that is responsible for any gift tax due.

          • I shouldn’t say “never” — please amend that to add “so long as the giver is a U.S. citizen.”

    • When we did this, the bank only cared if the amount of the gift impacted your ability to get a loan/ would be part of the downpayment that you could otherwise not make.

      That is, if you need to show that $20k or whatever that will be part of your downpayment is coming from your parents, it has to be well documented.

      Tax wise, you, the gift-ee, don’t have to pay taxes on anything. If your mom, dad, grandma and great-aunt sally each gave you $13,999 this year, nobody would pay a penny in taxes. It is the donor that is limited in the amount s/he can give without being taxed. Google “gift tax”- first hit is the IRS site, which explains all of this. So it doesn’t matter whose checking account teh money goes into, as long as the donor stays under $14k.

      • Thank you! The IRS site was helpful. I’ll forward that info to my parents.

        • If it’s from your parents, wouldn’t it also be non-taxable as an inter vivos gift anyway and just count against the estate tax cap, whatever that happens to be? My memory of this is rather hazy but I recall something like this from Wills class.

    • I don’t know if this has been said, but the loan company is going to make you and your parents basically swear an oath to whatever you hold most dear and then sign in blood that the money is a gift and not a loan. And then they’ll probably still give you side-eyes sometimes. But its more an annoyance on that front than anything else.

      If you stay below the gift tax limit you’ll probably be okay.

  2. TJ for petites –

    My mom recently hemmed a lot of my skirts for me which I’m so grateful for, but I’m scared we went a little too short. She convinced me that an inch – two inches above the knee is the most flattering spot, but it feels too revealing for work to me. Also, my biggest concern is that the slit in the back is too high. I feel like my thighs are too short to have a slit because even a 3 inch slit almost hits the bottom of my bottom. Thoughts? Is the most “flattering” spot sometimes too short for work? Are there different rules for length for petites because of the shortness of the overall leg?

    • Cornellian :

      I think that especially as a petite woman, flattering usually is too short for work, unfortunately. I wouldn’t wear anything that wasn’t at least touching my kneecap when standing. Sit down, look at your legs, and imagine what it looks like to a colleague sitting next to you, I’d say… that should give you a good idea.

      I think wearing tights can hike your acceptable hem an inch or so, but it’s a bit warm for that (unless you’re down under?)

    • I don’t think there are different rules for petites – even if a shorter length is more flattering, it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily appropriate. How short are the skirts when you sit down? An inch above the knee should be fine for most offices – I’m personally comfortable in slightly longer skirts (middle of the knee) but I wouldn’t bat an eye at a skirt an inch above the knee or a smidge higher. More than two inches may be pushing it though..

    • darjeeling :

      Check out extrapetite dot com, which has written a lot about hem length and proportion for petites. If the goal is to look taller I think your mom is right about the length.

      For me (5’2), I find that right at the top of the knee is about as short as I’m comfortable with for work – I don’t think 1-2″ higher looks bad or unprofessional, but when I go shorter than knee-length I’m constantly tugging my skirt down or having to sit with a shawl over my lap to avoid feeling too exposed.

    • I agree – I’m 5’2 and I think right above your knee or an inch or so higher is more flattering and is office appropriate. I wouldn’t go more than an inch (2 inches max) above the knee but I find I look really stumpy if my skirts go past my knee at all. I think that area generally is office appropriate so it depends on how comfortable you feel. (i.e. I don’t feel uncomfortable in skirts that hit an inch above my knee so it’s not reflected in my behavior).

    • I’m just above 5 feet tall and I feel better if my skirts are about 1 inch or slightly more above my knee. The proportion is better, and I don’t think that 1 inch above the knee is inappropriate.

    • Thanks everyone! I think I will have my mom let them out to hit right at the top of the knee as this is where I’m most comfortable. I think the key difference is that on a non-petite person there is a lot more space between knee-length and mid-thigh-length, so they can get away with a higher hem.

      • i actually think they can’t get away with a higher hem. I think it’s more a matter of a higher hem being flattering on short legs like ours.

        • TIL all my dresses and skirts are apparently too short?

          I’m 5’2 and all my skirts/dresses are 2-3 inches above the knee. I feel like it’s appropriate because I’m showing less total leg (because the bottom half of my leg is shorter…a taller person would be showing, for example, 20 inches of leg, and I’m only showing 18, even with a higher hem), and because it’s more flattering on me. Different strokes I suppose.

          • This doesn’t really make sense. It has to do with how much of your upper leg is showing, not how long your calves are. A six foot tall woman showing 25 inches of leg in a knee length skirt looks much better than a short woman showing 20 inches of leg in a mini skirt. Flattering should also take into account dress codes and appropriateness. Not that I think 2 inches above is too short- but flattering isn’t just about what makes your legs look best

          • Uh – Flattering actually DOES mean what makes your legs look best. Doesn’t necessarily mean professional, though.

            I do believe the petite women can get away with a shorter above the knee hem than a taller person, given the actual amount of flesh exposed (as opposed to the percentage). And yes, the line between a couple inches above the knee and miniskirt gets more narrow if you are short, but if the skirt has a vent or kick pleat, then it’s not a mini skirt.

          • Um, I’d have to agree with others (and as a shortie myself) that 2-3 inches above the leg is too short for work. I mean, its probably fine when standing up, but at meetings that’s gonna ride up to a likely inappropriate degree.

            And I guess sometimes I go back to the mantra – my work wardrobe isn’t always about being flattering – its a uniform I put on to look professional. I’m not trying to attract a mate, I’m trying to attract business contacts.

            Meh – so its just one person’s opinion – but maybe try out a couple longer skirts – paired with heels your legs will still look fab00.

    • Watch out for those slits! I’m petit, and more than once bought a skirt that was slightly above the knee and thought it looked classy standing up.

      … and then would lean over a desk or bend over to pick something up and discover a draft.

      • This is exactly my worry – they look flattering standing but I swear the slit is WAY too close to the danger zone.

  3. Diana Barry :

    So we are just coming out of a stretch where every single person in the family got sick with an awful stomach virus. Plus we got TWO babysitters sick (one came when I was too sick to get up, the other when I thought we were all done with it and then the third child got sick). Gah!!

    • Oh, so sorry that happened. My colleague who has two toddlers had that happen right after Easter. I think she was the only one in the family who didn’t get it but she was exhausted from caring for the rest of them and changing sheets and doing laundry.

      I hope everybody is well now!

      • Diana Barry :

        Thanks! Now I know why my mom said to me, when I had my first, “Now you can never get sick”. Thanks, mom. Geez.

    • Sympathy! We had a bout of this a few months ago. I got horribly sick the day before my child’s ear tube surgery, and she got it the night after the surgery. We gave it to my mom, who didn’t get sick until she had left. So we exported the virus. :/

    • My sympathies. We got 2 bouts of stomach flu this year. Toddler, me (2 days later), DH (1-2 days later), and then my mom, who came to help. It was really terrible, and taxing both physically and mentally.

  4. Really random question: How do y’all pound chicken without feeling like you’re getting germs all over the kitchen? Do you cover it with something? Also, do you put it directly on the countertop? Are you worried you’ll whack the countertop?

    • I have a couple of flexible cutting boards that I only use for chicken. I put a couple of layers of plastic wrap over it and only use the smooth side of the mallet.

      • This. I have one board that we use for meat only and I usually add seran wrap to make it easier to clean up after.

      • Okay, thanks y’all! It sounds like part of my problem is that I’m not using the smooth side of the mallet. I only have a glass cutting board, so it sounds like I need to invest in a plastic, meat-only one. Thanks again!

        • Anne Shirley :

          Glass cutting boards in general are murder on your knives. I have a few non-glass ones that I use for meat, poultry, and veggies.

          • Completely agree. I have a nice, butcher’s block wooden cutting board for all my veggies, fruits, breads, etc. I bought a bunch of plastic OXO brand cutting boards for all my proteins. That way I can use them and throw them in the dishwasher (and throw away once they have too many grooves to trap germs). Don’t ever put raw meat on a wood cutting board.

          • I’ve used wooden cutting boards exclusively all of my life (as have my parents – maybe this is a Europe/USA difference?) and I don’t think any of us have ever gotten terribly ill from doing so.

          • Wood cutting boards are actually fine to use with meat. Wood apparently has natural anti-bacterial properties, so the bacteria don’t reproduce, as they do on plastic cutting boards.


        • Also – I have an OXO meat pounder that has a wide flat pounding surface, which I find way easier to use than a hammer-style tenderizer.

      • I put the chicken inside a gallon-sized ziplock bag, and then aggressively bleach everything afterwards (counter, stove, walls, etc.)

    • I put it on a cutting board under plastic wrap.

    • Wrap the chicken in cling-wrap or in large ziploc bag, place on a cutting board or cookie sheet. Pound away.

      • I also use freezer Ziplocks – they are sturdier so won’t tear as easy, and contain the mess.

    • I put the chicken on a plastic cutting board that can go in the dishwasher. Cover with a large piece of wax paper or freezer paper, and pound away.

    • I used plastic wrap and a washable board method with great success, but lately I have stopped making dishes that involve pounding. Actually, it’s the frying/searing that I dislike a lot more than pounding.
      Now white meat is made into kabobs, boneless thighs get grilled whole, and I have a universe of marinades to explore.

    • Lady Harriet :

      I have heard that wooden cutting boards actually combat germs better–something about the residual antibacterial properties from the tree, so that’s what I use. I wash it with soap and water afterwards. I also use the spiky side of the mallet. Obviously there are several different methods that work!

      • +1 to wooden cutting boards. I wash mine with soap and hot water and try to remember to treat it with mineral oil occasionally.

        I don’t pound chicken flat (I usually cut one chicken breast into thinner pieces) but I wipe down the counter and the faucet with Costco brand Lysol wipes after cutting up raw meat or chicken.

    • OCAssociate :

      Silly question – why is everyone pounding chicken? Is it for quicker cooking time? Or certain recipes?

      • Chicken breasts are too fat to really cook evenly and not dry out, so a lot of people pound them to flatten them out. I prefer to just slice them into a few pieces since I think a whole chicken breast is too big for one person anyway. I usually get two small chicken tender/chicken strip pieces plus two thin breast pieces.

      • Silvercurls :

        LOL! Your question isn’t silly, but my mind started slinging comedic answers such as “for upper-arm exercise!” or “To relieve stress.”

      • Because schnitzel.

      • More like even cooking time. When I make my chicken and spinach recipe, I often cut the chicken breasts in half. The smaller end is also thinner, so I pound down the thicker end so they cook evenly.

      • It also tenderizes the meat by breaking down the tendons.

  5. My best friend is married with small children and a spouse who is off/on with a now-pregnant (also married with children). This has been going on for a while and it is very stressful and nerve-fraying for my friend and the older children. My friend has a counselor (formerly a marriage counselor but now the friend seems to be going solo). My friend also has what seems to be a compulsive need to talk to to whomever will listen (parents, parents-in-law, siblings-in-law, neighbors, me, other friends). I visited (awkward!) recently and was amazed that she must talk about the affair, the girlfriend, the GF’s FB page and blog, etc., etc. for several hours a day. She told me that the therapist said that she *should* talk about things — I don’t think that this was what the therapist had in mind. I am worried that my friend is digging herself into an obsession with this and that engaging in this is not likely to help her (and probably harms her), not to mention that her children aren’t infants and are always around now that school is out. Also, there really isn’t an end in sight for this situation and this may go on for years. I suppose that there’s no easy fix (and she hasn’t asked), but maybe a roadmap of what might be helpful to her would make me feel less helpless to help her and her children.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Am I reading this right? Her husband is having an affair with another married woman who is now pregnant with his child? How is there no end in sight to this situation?

      You can’t fix it, but you can set boundaries. If she’s talking to you about this in front of the kids “friend, let’s save this talk for later. I don’t feel comfortable discussing this in front if children”. If she’s obsessing about girlfriends Facebook “friend, It sounds like FB is upsetting you. Why do you keep looking at it.” followed by “you know, I’d rather not keep hearing about the Facebook drama. I know the situation sucks, but that part sounds pretty easy to avoid.”. If she says that her therapist tells her to talk “friend, I hear that you need to talk about this right now. But is the goal staying involved with this situation or finding a way out?”

      • I don’t know who the father is, but I think there’s an army of people hoping that the GF is pregnant with her husband’s baby. But, yeah, you’ve got the picture.

        And thanks — I feels good to read this from someone else. I tried to stay engaged with the children and her — let’s visit the park (no internet, no computers, no phones), but then she’s just start talking. And the moment we were home, the computer was fired up or she’d be talking. [So it’s probably only a matter of time before one of the people who hears about this sends the GF a message or posts something on her wall. Ugh.]

        I know it sucks. But focusing on the sucking won’t stop it, it just makes you its prisoner.

    • Anon in NYC :

      That’s a really awful situation for your friend. I can completely understand why she is obsessed with talking about it, reading the GF’s blog, and checking Facebook. I’d probably feel similarly in her shoes. With small kids the implications of her decisions (stay/leave, etc.) are much more complicated. This is her entire life right now, and she probably doesn’t know what to do and perhaps is avoiding facing those hard decisions by focusing on something “tangible”.

      As her friend, the next time she gets really wound up about this, I’d gently say to her, “Friend, I know this is a terrible situation, but I’m concerned that the kids are going to figure out what’s going on if we keep talking about this right now, and I’m concerned about you and all of the energy you’re pouring into this. I want to support you and your kids, but I feel like this whole situation is becoming really unhealthy for you.”

    • That’s really rough. I’ve had a sister and a friend both go through divorce, though neither had such complicated relationships (ok… the latter had a pretty dramatic backstory), but both spent several years overtaken by their life circumstances. Like, couldn’t hold a conversation about anything else.

      My perspective: their minds were justa little bit broken by their situations. Life went waaaay off track from where it was supposed to go, and they were having trouble keeping a grip on their circumstances. One needed to stay on top of what was happening in the other woman’s life, I’m guessing because she didn’t want to be hurt by any more surprises.

      Perhaps it’s best to let them talk. Both eventually recovered as life moved on. Family and friends, though weary, continued to listen to the madness, but also re-introduced the rest of the world. I personally would listen when they needed to vent, but wouldn’t bring up the topics myself- instead focusing on new things- mostly activities we could do together.

  6. What are the biggest red flags you look for at the beginning of a relationship?

    • Anne Shirley :

      Control and responsibility. Does he need to know where I am, what I’m doing, and who I’m doing it with? Does he expect me to be responding to messages immediately? Does he support himself? Is his apt reasonably clean? Does he make plans and follow through?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I think everyone’s “red flags” are borne out by their own past experiences and what they are most sensitive to – so I imagine that would be different for everyone.

      Most of mine have to do with respect – does he listen to what I’m saying? Does he value my opinions? How does he handle it when I disagree with him? How does he talk about other people (particularly women) in his life? Does he view me as his equal? Does he view my career as equally as important as his?

      My other ones have to do with value alignment – Is he upfront and honest, or do I get a shady vibe from him? Is he kind to animals and children? Etc. Is he close with his family? Why/why not? If a homeless person walks up to us on the date and asks for money, how does he respond? (Note – I’m not saying he has to hand over money, but does he push past them and ignore them? Is he rude? And so on and so forth.)

      Mostly my “red flags” aren’t even things I can put a name on – they’re gut feelings. I’m getting better and better at trusting my gut because more often than not, it’s right.

      • I agree that the red flags come from past experiences. For me, a major red flag is when someone can’t be simply happy when good things are happening to you. I had an ex who accused me of bragging when I excitedly told him I had won a job I really wanted (and which I didn’t expect to get as there were a lot of applicants). I was definitely gloating way more than I would before other friends, but his reaction made no sense to me because (1) he was exceptionally successful in his own career, (2) he was in a completely different field so it wasn’t like I was reminding him of things he had wanted to achieve himself, and (3) this came not too long after a bunch of setbacks and a lot of agonizing on my part.

        In hindsight, this was the first manifestation of an irrational jealousy that ended up poisoning the relationship.

    • springtime :

      A few that have come up for me in the past:

      1. Does he have friends? Are his friends of good moral character?
      2. How does he handle it if we get into a bit of an argument?
      3. Is he close with his family?
      4. How does he describe ex-gfs? Does he resent them, is he still hung up on them?
      5. How does he handle my successes? Does he resent me, is he supportive, does he think my career is important?
      6. How does he see his future? Does he want to get married, settle down (eventually)? Or will he be a kid forever?

      • springtime :

        Also, is he inherently un-trusting? ( I dated someone who assumed if I wrote something on a male friend’s wall, I must be interested in him/now dating him. That’s just one example.). I’ve never had issues with trust before and boy, was that a dealbreaker.

      • Not getting married and settling down does not make one a kid forever. Although I don’t doubt that being married and raising children is an opportunity for tremendous personal growth, many people don’t settle down because it would take them away from very adult pursuits. Kids and a spouse are not the only types of meaningful responsibility in the world.

      • Brunette Elle Woods :

        Regarding number 1, don’t fall into the trap of “oh, he is so much better than his friends.” He’s not! In my experience, friends are usually a true indication of a man’s character and values.

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      I completely agree that this depends on your past experiences. For example, for me, funnily enough, a big red flag is often someone who seems to really like me.

      Basically, this is because I have a string of liaisons in my past which started out with a guy being so, so keen and then just falling off the face of the earth, so if someone wants to move super fast, that usually gets me concerned. Partly because I am pretty independent anyway, but mostly because it usually means they are getting too wrapped up in it and will wake up one day and realise they moved too fast or weren’t that interested after all.

      Unfortunately an equally big red flag is someone who is a poor communicator, bad at making plans or sticking to them, or is generally unavailable because as cliched as it sounds, it usually just means they are not that into me (and that is fine, but I don’t like wasting my time with these types). The point is, though, there is a balance to be struck.

      For others – agree on controlling, value alignment, rudeness and general dealing with people-ness. If they are rude about their exes, that is also not usually a great sign!

    • I agree with a lot of the other red flags/dealbreakers listed above. One of mine is definitely a guy who can’t respect my intelligence/career/independence. I’ve had multiple guys tell me that they’re not going to “let me” do something (whether its walking home alone, or go to the movies alone or stay in on a Saturday night etc.) I’ve also occasionally dated guys who are dismissive of my career or opinion (esp. about hockey – which I love and follow closely) – that’s always a deal breaker/red flag.

      Great question!

      • That’s really interesting, TO Lawyer. I have become so independent since my divorce and my SO doesn’t live with me, so I do a lot of things on my own. He has, by his own admission, been pretty controlling in previous relationships and the woman just did what he said. I, on the other hand, have maintained my independence and I just tell him that that’s the way I am and he can suck it up and assume I’m being careful or not. I do text him to let him know I’m home safely when I’ve been out late with friends. He has been surprisingly okay with that and actually admires my independence a lot. I think, partly, he realizes that his controlling behavior in past relationships made the other person clingy to the point where he resented them. So, lesson learned and at least he has the insight to see that it doesn’t work.

    • 1. Does he do what he says he’s going to do when he says he’s going to do it (ie – “I’ll call you tomorrow night” and then he actually follows through)?
      2. Do I like who I am when I am around him? Does he make me feel good about myself? Do I feel like I have to be someone I’m not when I’m with him?
      3. Is he trustworthy/honest/a good communicator?
      4. Is he not overly concerned with my past relationships/boyfriends/etc.? Does he get jealous super easily?
      5. How does he treat other women? I know everyone says base it off how they treat their mother, but some people don’t have awesome (or even average) moms (like in my BF’s case). But in general, is he good to/respectful of his female friends/neighbors/coworkers/etc.?
      6. Does he respect me – my career, my friends & family, my interests, even my independence?

    • 1. Is the guy clear about what this relationship is about? i.e not just drifting from dating to sleepover to whatever, there needs to be an official “we are together/exclusive talk”… I know this is basic, but once I was so smitten by a cute dude, I let the essentials slide. Never again.

      2. What does the guy say about other women (some one in public life, media, co-workers)? Does his dismiss their opinion or say they are too emotional/b*tches etc? An ex often dismissed women in joking manner, down the line found out it was pretty much how he thought about women in general. Big red flag going forward.

    • I recently got out of a relationship and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about this lately. My new red flags:

      1. What is his relationship with his friends? Do they spend close to 100% of their free time together? Do they travel as a pack? Are they dogmatically spontaneous?
      2. What does he want/need my relationship with his friends to be? Will he expect me to be part of the pack and spend all my free time with them? Will he resent me for time spent apart from his friends, including couple time, time with my friends, or pursuing my interests?
      3. Does he have time for me in his life or is he willing to make time?
      4. Can he be flexible and accommodating of my schedule when work is busy? Will he want to maximize our time together even if it means he sometimes does all of the driving, picking up take out, spending the night at my place, etc., or does he keep score and get mad when he’s doing more?
      5. Does he listen to and accommodate my needs and wants, even if they are different from his own?
      6. Does he put my needs ahead of his wants?
      7. Is he conflict avoidant? Can he tell me when he’s upset about something so we can discuss it and come to a resolution, or will he just secretly resent me just to avoid conflict?
      8. Does he listen when I express my needs? Does he take constructive criticism or suggestions of what to do better? Does he get defensive or play blame jiu jitsu?
      9. Is he emotionally generous? Does he find ways to show me he cares? Does he make an effort to keep in touch with me when we can’t be together?
      10. Is he introspective enough to know what his wants and needs are and what his ideal relationship would look like?
      11. What do the romantic relationships in his life look like (i.e., parents, family, friends)? Does he have good models of caring, loving, and giving relationships?

    • Here is what I ask myself:

      Do I enjoy the time I spend with him?
      Do I want to continue spending time with him?
      Do I feel that I am myself with him?

      If the answer to any of those questions is qualified, that’s a red flag.

  7. I really like that Bailey 44 is made in the USA!

    • I have a few of their dresses and haven’t been super impressed with the quality for the price though. Lots of pilling, losing shape, etc.

      • Oh that’s a bummer. I’ve never actually bought anything from them, so I’m disappointed to hear that.

      • I also have one of their dresses, which I bought through Anthro. I actually really like it – it is one of my weekend/evening out basics, and super comfortable and flattering to boot. I haven’t had a lot of concerns about pilling or losing shape, but then again, I don’t wash it every time I wear it.

  8. Hoping for some romantic advice… there is a guy who I work with (we are in separate but related departments; I see him a few times a week in meetings but we do not work super closely) who I am pretty interested it. He has a girlfriend though. It’s tough to gauge the seriousness of it – they don’t live together, not engaged, he mentions her occasionally but not often. Over the past few months, my interactions with him have become increasingly social – we have after-work drinks probably once a week, either one-on-one or with a “happy hour” group. I am trying to gauge an appropriateness line – I really enjoy spending time with him, we have a great time and really good conversation, and I would kind of like to make it clear that if anything were to change with the girlfriend situation, there would be definite interest on my part. At the same time… I don’t want to be inappropriate and I don’t particularly want to “steal” him away from his girlfriend – i.e. I recognize what a terrible idea it would be to have a few too many at happy hour and make some sort of “move” and then try to force him to deal with the aftermath. Any advice on trading this fine line?

    • There’s no fine line. He has a girlfriend. It’s not up to you to determine how serious his relationship is or imply you’d be around if he were single. If you can’t stick to thinking of him as just a friend, stop going to one-on-one drinks with him and only attend the group ones.

      • Diana Barry :


      • This. Besides, do you want to be with a guy who freely leaves his girlfriend for someone else?

        I love this jacket. Nice pick Kat. For that price point, I’d expect real, not faux, leather though.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I agree with Marilla. There’s no fine line there at all, and there’s no way I can see as respectful to tell a guy who you know is in a relationship that, “If you and Jane ever break up, give me a call.” I would take a step back from the one-on-ones and getting too drunk at happy hour. If he calls you on it, however, IMO there’s nothing wrong with being honest and saying, “You know Joe, I was starting to get uncomfortable about how close we were getting, since you have a girlfriend. I want to respect that, so I’d like to take a step back.”

      • Ahh, thank you to both of you. Deep down, I think I knew that I’m being inappropriate and need to not think/act like there’s a possibility his relationship might magically vanish but I have had some friends egging me on in pursuing this… obvi I needed some e t t e ladies to knock some sense into me. :)

        • Killer Kitten Heels :

          I was on the other side of a situation like this in my old job – in a relationship that didn’t appear “serious” from the outside, had a work friend who was male who I frequently socialized with one-on-one and in groups who was single. He never said anything, but it was very clear that, if boyfriend and I were ever to break up, he’d be interested, just based on the types of conversations we’d had, the time we’d spent together, etc. The thing was, “boyfriend” ultimately turned out to be Husband. Because my work friend never crossed any lines by outwardly expressing interest in me, we were able to maintain a friendship, and are still pretty good friends.

          I think if, early in my relationship with boyfriend-who-became-husband, work friend had said something to the effect of “hey, your current guy doesn’t seem that serious, so just so you know, I’m here when you’re single”, it would’ve made it harder to maintain a friendship with him as my relationship with my boyfriend became more serious, because I would’ve felt like he didn’t respect my relationship, or was rooting against it. By leaving things unspoken, he was able to transition to supportive friend when it became clear my relationship was in fact serious, and we didn’t have any of the “you’re not-so-secretly hoping my engagement fails, aren’t you?” awkwardness.

          If you’re truly friends with him – and would continue to want to be friends with him even if “girlfriend” turns into “wife” – let things be. Chances are, your fondness for him is already clear just from your actions anyway, but speaking out about it would be disrespectful, as others have said.

          • OP here – thank you for this. This is important because I would really like to stay friends with him even if “girlfriend” becomes “wife”, or even if “girlfriend” becomes “ex” and “random other girl who is not me” becomes “girlfriend”. So, luckily, I have crossed no boundaries (honestly, even when we’ve gone out for drinks I’ve kept it chatty, not flirty) and I am mentally (firmly) reclassifying him as friend. Thank you for keepin’ it real, ladies. :)

        • Anonymous :

          I have to admit it kind of frightens me a bit that there are women egging you on while knowing this guy has a girlfriend. It makes me wonder if there are women circling my boyfriend in his workplace. Not that I think he’d cheat, but it is an uncomfortable thought.

        • It sounds like you need new friends. The kind of friends who will tell you that 1) you should respect yourself and your values enough to not pursue someone who’s already in a relationship, and 2) you deserve to have a partner who will want to be committed to you and won’t keep you on the backburner while he figures out if he wants to stay with his current GF.

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      This is how my roommate and her boyfriend got together – she started a new job and they started getting along really well immediately, but he at the time had a girlfriend whom he was in the process of breaking up with (live-in). However, she was from day one very much like ‘nothing is happening here’ and she kept her distance when she realised it was moving in the wrong direction and ultimately they did get together once he broke up with the ex. The point is, I think, that it doesn’t really matter what stage the relationship is in. If someone has a girlfriend, you want to encourage them to be a good boyfriend, not to cheat, because if they break up and go out with you, you would rather have a good boyfriend than a cheater.

    • Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I firmly believe in the no-flirting-with-taken-guys rule. I mean, that’s someone’s significant other. It’s at minimum inconsiderate to simply assume the relationship is unimportant or casual or open. Try to place yourself in the girlfriend’s shoes. Would you be comfortable with someone acting this way around your boyfriend if you were the one in the relationship? If the answer is no, then it’s probably a bad idea.

      • Anonymous :

        Meh. I’m old fashioned, so I think if he hasn’t gotten engaged, go for it. Not in the OPs situation, because work, but I’ve hooked up with guys with girlfriends. It was fun. And I’m not responsible for their relationship status.

        • If the position is that “[you’re] not responsible for their relationship status” then why does it matter if the guy is engaged or married vs. in a non-marital serious, committed, monogamous relationship?

          • Anonymous :

            Because engagement is an official public step. “girlfriend” can mean life partner or girl I hooked up with twice last week.

            If he’s open to hooking up with me, he isn’t in a serious monogamous committed relationship.

          • Attaching a label to a relationship means there’s a level of commitment; indeed, it’s a public step in letting others know that you’re invested in someone. Idk anyone who uses a title for someone they’re just hooking up with, other than maybe “person I hook up with.”

            To your second point – plenty of people cheat. Just because he’s not being monogamous doesn’t mean he hasn’t made a commitment to be monogamous.

          • Anonymous :

            But it’s on him to respect his personal commitments not me. I just hate the point of view of ohhhh those scary b*tchs hitting on my guy. Like. Whatever. If he cheats it’s because of him, not because of other women.

          • Yeah I get that. It’s a personal responsibility thing. I just don’t get what’s so different about a committed, monogamous, non-marital relationship versus a marriage that makes a guy fair game in the former but not the latter. If it’s not my (or anyone’s) business to police someone else’s relationship, it seems like that should apply equally to marital and non-marital committed relationships.

          • momentsofabsurdity :

            Anonymous – I agree with you that the ultimate responsibility lies with him to maintain his behavior within the bounds of his relationship. No one can MAKE someone cheat. And sometimes, the reaction of “oh that horrible woman” is way too forgiving of the dude in the relationship – you know, the one who actually MADE the commitment.

            However, I do think it’s kind of unethical to be consciously complicit in someone else’s duplicity. Even more than that, I don’t think I would *want* to be with someone that didn’t have enough respect to end the relationship he was in, before pursuing something with someone else. It would make me judge them as kind of a bad person – and therefore, make me not want to get involved with them.

            It’s one thing if it’s all above board, he and GF are monogamish and no one’s lying to anyone – but if a guy wants me to help him do something that would actively hurt another person emotionally (even if they’re not my friend)? Sorry, that feels shady to me.

    • I’m in a somewhat similar situation, in that I have a coworker that has a girlfriend who does not seem that serious, and if situations were different I would like to be dating him. However, due to our positions at work, I’m pretty sure one of us would have to quit, and I like my job more than I like him, so even if they broke up it wouldn’t really change anything (so actually I am in a way glad that they are still dating). I don’t allow myself to flirt with him and will sometimes have to think to myself if I had a boyfriend would I be ok with a woman saying or doing things with him that I do. If the answer is no, I back off. I sometimes wish I could just confess to him, but truthfully he probably already knows or at least has an idea and I’m not sure what tht would accomplish for me, especially if he and his girlfriend stay together. Even though it seems hard, I would limit the one-on-one interactions you have together, especially after work and that involve lots of alcohol.

      • OP here – yes, luckily I have been following the same rule – I don’t say or do anything that I would consider out of line if someone said or did them to someone I’m dating. And thank you for your point that your guy probably already knows – similarly, I’m sure this guy at least has an inkling. Reading through all these comments has made me realize that the actual conversation I have to have is with my friends, specifically one, who have been pushing this as something I should pursue further. I’ll just have to say that the devil on my shoulder is WAY too encouraged by their cheerleading and that I would really appreciate if they stopped.

  9. Yikes, that’s a tough one to balance. Could you declare affair free zones? Explicitly say that there are little ones present?

  10. purplepear12 :

    Hi Everyone,

    Does anyone have any advice for being on a panel interview? I get nervous and have to remember I am not the interviewee.

    Also, what are you favorite interview questions?


    • If the job will involve collaboration, ask about a situation where the interviewee did not get along with someone on a team or had differing views on how to handle an issue and how it got resolved.

      I have never been on a panel interview but have been the interviewee. If the interviewee seems nervous, don’t act like the panel is so intimidating and awkwardly try to diffuse tension, just be a nice person and that will happen naturally. Also, pay attention to what others on the panel ask so you can ask follow up questions and do not repeat the same exact questions (yes, it’s happened).

  11. Killer Kitten Heels :

    Where do you ladies buy bras? I’ve shopped Victoria’s Secret for years (mainly because it used to be one of the only places I could reliably find my correct size – 34D), but their quality seems worse and their prices are higher than in the past, so I’m kind of over it. I tried looking in Kohls and Macy’s recently, and was unimpressed with the selection in my size – everything cute seemed to be for Cs-or-smaller, and the few 34Ds I found appeared to have been made for grandmothers (I’m not even 30 yet, so I’m not ready to throw in the towel on the wears-cute-bras thing). Suggestions? I’m willing to spend up to $50 or so for a good quality bra, but I’d rather keep things in the $30ish price range.

    • No ribcage! :

      You might want to get measured at a store that has a good local rep for fittings. It may cost more per-bra, but you can take you knowledge and shop sales, etc. or herroom dot com to find things in your correct size.

      I found that VS always wanted to put me in a 34B, which floated around on my ribs. Turns out, I’m a 30D. VS had done one or more 32s that I would occasionally find in cotton/unlined styles, but usually doesn’t stock smaller than a 34, so it was never going to work.

      I’ve found Nordstrom has down to 30 band sizes in Calvin Klein, etc., but have largely gone to specialty / online shopping. It has made a world of difference.

      • This. I would definitely suggest getting fitted at a store other than Victoria’s Secret. When I was fitted there I was a 36 C because they didn’t have my correct size (34DD) and didn’t want me to not shop there. Nordstrom usually has a good bra fitter on staff. You can also find out your size and then check out places like Nordstrom Rack to find better deals.

        Also remember to always try a bra on, even if it is in “your size.” Bra sizes aren’t standard across the industry, just like you can wear an 8 in one store and a 6 in another – they aren’t all going to be the same. You may also want to try different cup styles to see which one suits your needs best.

      • Diana Barry :

        +1. Nordstrom is good at fitting, and a “specialty lingerie” store in the area will also have the older ladies who will fit you correctly. In the bigger cup sizes, there will be fewer things that fit and are cute and don’t cost too much, but you can stalk sales etc. to get good deals.

        • Nordies Lover :

          Another shout out for Nordstrom. Their bra fitters are fabulous–I had similar issues with VS sizing me way too small. I usually spend about $80 on a bra, but I think they have less expensive varieties.

    • I love Soma. I wear a 34DD, and it is impossible to find stuff that doesn’t look super old lady like. Their bras are pretty and functional. And they are always doing a sale. I just bought 2 for $59, and I got an extra 5% off for being a passport member.

    • I found VS sizing to be a bit wonky so I would suggest getting re-sized at a department store (Nordstrom’s or whatever the higher end choice is in your town). I haven’t bought anything from there, but HerRoom’s website has a great fitter tool that suggests brands based on what already fits you. Once you figure out your brands, you can then stalk them for sales (I’m a bit more generous of chest than you and like Chantelle, Marie Joe, and Natori).

    • I’m a 34D as well. I only recently got fitted correctly so I’m stilled building up my collection but I’m shopping at specialty bra stories like Intimacy and Neiman Marcus. Granted, those are a bit over what you want to be paying (I think I paid around $70) but you can wait for sales. If you’re open to online shopping (especially if you find some brands that fit great) Bravissimo and Figleaves have cute bras in a wide variety of sizes and prices.

    • OK I’ll confess, I just wanted to pick one up quick and got a Jacklyn Smith one from Kmart: http://www.kmart.com/jaclyn-smith-women-s-push-up-bra/p-027VA7646401P?prdNo=2&blockNo=2&blockType=G2. The beige is a nice neutral under light shirts, it is cute and comfortable. I don’t like it any less then any expensive bra I’ve tried on!

      • Definitely think this can be a size issue too. I’m on the heavier end, with a matching larger bra size. In my experience, cheaper bras don’t hold up as well as pricier ones, but I’ve always thought that if I were more sylph-like less expensive bras would be fine.

    • I am your same size. .. I have found a good selection and good assistance at Soma. They have an online presence, so now that I know what I like, I can just order. Bras around 50$, but they frequently run sales.

    • WriterKate :

      Get thee to Nordstrom. I did a bra fitting there and bought one expensive bra but then found them on sale on the website or at Nordstrom Rack.

    • In the PInk :

      Once you know your size, you might look at her room (dot com). They show the bras on a mannequin, you can select different sheer tops to see necklines, and their reviews as well as readers are by bra size. Finally, they show the height/stance of the portion between the cups. That prevents me 36D – DD from having an old fashioned “armor plate” bra all the way up my breastbone. Like that they have so many different styles for selecting/winnowing down. Returns have been quick and easy. I’ve struggled to find non-wired so they have been a great source. No granny styles, some unlined/no rigid cup at Last!

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      Thanks for the recs, everyone! I was fitted last year as part of the whole bridal gown undergarment shopping process, so I know my size is right, luckily (the specialty store I went to for that is just too expensive for everyday bras though). Soma was a touch on the pricey side for me, but Nordstrom Rack has an awesome selection. Thanks! ( And I will be keeping Soma in mind for when my budget increases a bit.)

      • Merabella :

        Don’t forget to get refitted at least once a year. Weight gain/weight loss of 5-10 pounds could mean a change in size for some.

  12. A big thank you to Kat and everyone who posts here. I have slowly been building a new wardrobe after losing a lot of weight and I just went to my college reunion. I didn’t wear white pants (like everyone else), but a really nice pair of light pink chinos from J.Jill (incredibly soft and fit well after tailoring), a print top, a statement necklace, and cute shoes. A far cry my old uniform of khaki shorts and sneakers. And for the Gala, a pretty blue dress from Ann Taylor, which stood out in the sea of little black dresses.

    For the first time in a long time I felt I looked great. Thank you!

    • Hooray! I’m glad you felt great. (And I hope, regardless of your weight in the future, you’ll always feel attractive.)

    • just Karen :

      Congratulations! Yay for for looking good and being comfortable and confident!

    • Congratulations on your weight loss, I’m sure your self-confidence shined through

  13. Career advice question !
    Hello Hive ;
    I have spent nearly 4 years at my current employer with different job descriptions.
    I currently am at a point where I started a new function 6 months ago and it is very challenging but I would eventually have the last word (imposter syndrome and all). You – the amazing community of this site- have been with me through all that.
    I have a niche expertise and know for a fact that I am one of a handful having such knowledge in the entire country.
    An entrepreneur just contacted me, offering me the opportunity to be a business consultant. My work starts from drafting the business plan, to selecting suppliers, the business model and expansion of the brand.
    If my understanding is correct, I will not have much input on the lineup (though my opinion is always welcome), I will not find clients etc.
    At the end of the meeting, the entrepreneur was impressed with my knowledge of the industry and said I could even be a partner (which I don’t want to).
    I am scared at how I would manage my time: I have plenty of down time but am a procrastinator. As an adult with hyper-focus ADD, I work extremely fast on something that interests me.. and the opposite for boring tasks.
    I do not know how much to charge: I have no idea what is acceptable, I don’t want to sell myself short but I do not want the entrepreneur to tell me they cannot afford me.
    Should I take the jump (I would still be keeping my day job)?

    • I think one question would be: what will you get out of this? Is it about getting more money? More/different experience? Business connections? Doing a second job can be extremely difficult (after work you’re tired, just want to relax, etc. — it’s hard to motivate to pick up something new so late in the day/on the weekend) so make sure the reward is worth it. As for how much to charge, are there any web sites in your industry/country (am I right that you’re in Morocco?) that have information on this? Anyone else doing this type of consulting you could ask (just for a ballpark)? If not, I’d start with what your hourly rate in your current job is and add a little bit to that.

      • Actually, this is a project I saw myself doing 5 years from now but didn’t think it would happen this fast. I had a similar offer few weeks ago which I declined but honestly thought it was random. I did build a great reputation in my industry but didn’t know the echos reached business people.
        I was going to do this same work for my own project (except I didn’t have funding).
        I had developed a great expertise in this niche and with my recent function change, this knowledge would be less useful, so I am thrilled at the idea of still using the skills I have.
        Love the idea of an hourly rate, this way I can bill hours. I will set a rate I am comfortable with because there is no benchmark in Morocco.
        Thank you so much for taking the time to give your valuable feedback. Really appreciate it.

  14. Any suggestions for starting therapy? I’ve never been and am thinking it will be helpful – struggling right now with stress and weight issues, which are causing issues in my marriage. How can I not be a total mess at the first appointment? I feel like I’m going to sit down and just let out a barrage of stress tears, which I’m guessing isn’t helpful for anyone.

    • East Coast Anon :

      It’s okay to be a total mess. I cried for most of my first appointment.

    • When I had my first therapy appointment, I am not sure that my butt had even hit the couch in the office when the tears started. Trust me, most therapists have seen everything. The most important thing is to take the first step and go. After all, if you felt completely in control all the time, you wouldn’t be looking for a therapist ! Therapy is the one place where you shouldn’t pretend to be in control. After all, you need to be honest with the therapist, and he/she needs to see what is going on.
      I ended up just embracing that hour every other week as a chance to let it all hang out. I was in therapy for about 6 months, and it was the best thing I ever did.

    • Third that it’s okay to be a total mess. These people are professionals and see this every day. As for what to expect, some therapists will do more of an intake approach the first 1-3 sessions and will ask you some questions about yourself, your history, your family, etc. Others will just ask why you’re there and what you want to get out of therapy. (I don’t know is a totally acceptable answer). Others will just say “tell my why you’re crying.”

    • Hm, no advice since pretty much all I did in my few months of therapy was cry. I thought of it as my weekly hour of crying catharsis– that must be pretty much what I needed, since those sessions really helped me turn things around. so if I had any advice, it would be to give yourself permission to be a mess. repressing those stress feelings is not productive.

    • Absolutely cry if that’s what you’re feeling. The first appointment isn’t where the real work happens, it’s about establishing where you are now.

    • Lady Harriet :

      I been meeting with a counselor once a week for almost a year, and I cry nearly every time! I come across as much more of a mess there than I do in everyday life because it’s my chance to actually think about the things that make me unhappy, instead of just focusing on the activity at hand. (Not that I’m stifling my emotions the rest of the time, I’m just not trying to analyze them either.) I’m actually really proud of myself the times I don’t cry. Congratulations on doing this! It’s really helping me to turn my life around, and I hope it’s helpful for you too.

  15. Working out in a sports bra :

    For those who think its okay to work out in the gym in a sports bra without a shirt on top:

    What type of Sports bra do you wear? Does it show cleavage? Does it depend on what you’re doing: cardio v. Weights?

    • Dead Horse :

      Enough already.

    • What are you comfortable with? Do that.

    • In general, as long as you aren’t wearing tassel covered pasties, you’re probably fine.

      I’ll fully admit that shirtless people (men *or* women, to head off the allegations of sexism) at the gym bug me. But I understand that that’s irrational. If all of you can say you never, ever, ever have an irrational opinion, well, good for you, you are better people than I am I guess. For some people, dogs wearing clothes really bugs them. Whatever, sometimes we have irrational opinions and preferences on things that really make no difference in our lives and we vent about them. Seems reasonably harmless to me.

      [Also – I don’t do a ton of weight work but people have told me that if you do, it can be helpful to be shirtless so you can really observe how your muscles are working. No idea if that’s true or not, though.]

    • Make sure the gym you work out in allows for only a sports bra. I haven’t been to many gyms (ok, only 2) but neither of them allowed women to only have a sports bra on the top half of their body.

      • viclawstudent :

        I used to work out at a gym where there was a no-sleeveless-shirt policy. (This was in the late 90s/early 2000s; I’m sure they’ve changed the policy since then, it would be impossible to maintain.) If you came in wearing a tank top, they had these huge T-shirts that they would force you to wear. So weird! I gather it was inspired by people feeling intimidated by big muscle-bound dudes in their sleeveless shirts, but the hilarious thing was, the gym was on the second floor of a swimming pool, so while you were working out you were essentially forced to stare out at people wearing bathing suits the whole time.

        Anyway, nobody at my current (women’s only) gym ever seems to work out in just a sports bra, but I’ve been tempted when I’m feeling too warm, and have stopped myself because I worry about the judgment … also I need the shirt layer to wick up the sweat.

        I do (irrationally) dislike it when I see men out running shirtless (or just walking around shirtless), and complain about it to my partner, but that is because I feel that there’s a double standard there where a woman doing the same thing (in just a sports bra) would be gawked at and ogled and people would imply that she was “showing too much skin”, whereas it seems much more socially acceptable for men.

    • Left Coaster :

      I really don’t understand why anyone cares what anyone else wears at the gym, as long as the clothes are clean and not stinky. I occasionally wear just a sports bra to the gym because I run super-warm and get hot while running on the treadmill. I really, really don’t understand why that would NOT be okay? Can someone enlighten me?

      • Anon in NYC :

        Well as the Anon above says, the feeling may be irrational. It could be that some people feel that shirtless people should wear more clothing / show less skin, maybe they’re projecting their own body images, etc. It doesn’t change the fact that if you want to just wear a sports bra then you should (assuming that your gym doesn’t have restrictions on that).

      • It skeeves me out when shirtless people use machines that require their sweaty skin to come in contact with the machine. Even if they wipe it down, I just do not want to lean up against the something that you just rubbed your sweaty, pimply, hairy back all over. I’m much more grossed out by shirtless men than women, fwiw.

      • The reason it bugs some people is that sports bras are seen as bras i.e. underwear, and it’s not considered okay/polite/socially acceptable to be out in front of people wearing only your underwear.
        The parallel would be hanging out in your panties in public, or wearing leggings as pants, or spongebob pajamas at the grocery store, or a bikini top to wash a car in a visible location.
        People just think you are underdressed.

    • I think any sports bra that doesn’t look like an underwear bra is best (e.g. like a short, racer-back tank top). Cleavage doesn’t bother me, as it’s beyond your control most of the time. Proper support is a given: Most well-endowed women don’t like to wear just sports bras, mainly because the larger sports bras aren’t pretty (in my opionion).

      • Working out in a sports bra :

        That’s actually exactly what mine looks like, except its a little low cut. For me, I get really hot, and its inspiring to see muscles forming.

  16. Greensleeves :

    I have a comment and a question, both based on the fact that I’ve just begun running before work every morning, then showering and getting ready in the fitness center in my building. I am usually still very red in the face and postpone doing most of my makeup until I’ve been in my office for 30 minutes or so.

    First, the comment- thanks to many of your comments on the makeup thread yesterday, I am only wearing a little eyeliner, brow pencil and mascara today. It happened mostly because I left my makeup bag in the car when I dropped off my gym bag, but yesterday’s comments about not owing anyone “pretty” convinced me not to run back out for it. I’m surprised that I feel like that’s ok, but it also feels rather freeing – so thanks!

    Now for the question – someways I really do want to wear my usual makeup because I feel more polished that way. But my face gets SO red during my run and doesn’t calm down for quite a while, staying red and sweating a bit so it’s impossible to it on makeup right away. I am careful to walk for several minutes to cool off at the end and usually take a cool shower, but it seems like my face takes longer to cool down than the rest of me! Any other suggestions for cooling down quickly? Anyone else have this problem? Thanks!

    • I have had this exact problem my entire life. All I have found I can really do about it is to do my face last when I am getting dressed after working out. If I have gotten dressed, hair all done, etc., and my face is still bright red, I just put on my lipstick and go hide in my office for half an hour, after which I go to the bathroom at work and fix my makeup there. That’s really all that works for me. Sorry I can’t offer anything more helpful!

    • Maybe an ice pack or a towel soaked in ice water?

      • hellskitchen :

        Place the ice pack or cold towel on the back of your neck… it will help you cool down faster. Also, chug lots of ice water to lower your internal body temperature which is more effective than just splashing cold water on your face

  17. hellskitchen :

    Speaking of makeup, any good recommendations for BB creams or tinted moisturizer for women of color? My skin tone is medium-tanned with neutral undertones (south asian/middle eastern). Boots No 7 soft and sheer moisturizer was my go to but they changed the formula and color recently and now it makes my skin look dull. Has anyone tried the new BB creams for women of color, such as Iman’s line? Thanks!

    • TO Lawyer :

      I really liked the Sephora brand TM. Everything else I tried was much too light. I think I was 27 (light caramel) maybe?

      Also – if you’re looking for a splurge, I’m currently using the Armani foundation and I love what it does to my skin (it’s also a pretty light foundation – don’t think it’s much heavier than the TM I used to use.

      • hellskitchen :

        Armani is my I-will-splurge-when-I-reach-a-career-milestone foundation. I hear nothing but good things about it. But in the meantime I will check out the Sephora brand. Thanks!

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I have NARS tinted moisturizer – I want to say in the Seychelles color – and it’s a great match for my Indian skin. NARS in general usually matches my skin quite well. I also tried a Laura Mercier one (sorry, blanking on the color) that matched my skin as well. My family is from Southern India, so I’m probably a bit darker than many other South Asians.

      • hellskitchen :

        The LM tinted moisturizer?? I went into a Sephora and the SA couldn’t find any shade that matched my skin… I think it was more a question of undertones. I will try out the NARS though…. are those available at Sephora?

    • Lucky had an article about it. I think they recommended Tarte, Maybelline, Smashbox, and Iman for BB Creams.

    • I tried the Tarte bb cream. It had a great texture but the color wasn’t right for me. I use the Urban Decay [email protected] foundation (liquid with a pump) in #8 and I LOVES IT SO MUCH. Whether I use my fingers or a brush, it looks perfect, like my skin is perfect. And my face doesn’t become itchy. Highly recommend.

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