Thursday’s Workwear Report: Belted Fit and Flare Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

We just did our roundup on classic sheath dresses for work last Monday, and this flared dress from Lark & Ro looks great (and is eligible for Prime Wardrobe). I think it’s a very classic look, and I like that it has a concealed back zipper and is machine washable. It would work well under a cardigan or a structured fitted blazer, as well. (Did you see our post on how to wear a black dress with a non-matching blazer or cardigan?) The dress comes in sizes 0–16 and is $69 at Amazon with free returns. Lark & Ro Belted Fit and Flare Dress

A plus-size option from Calvin Klein is at Gilt and Saks OFF 5th.

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  1. Yay, Kat! This is such a cute sheath dress! I am going to show the manageing partner and for $69, I am sure he will approve because I look great in black after the 4th of July, after I spend some time on the beach and get a tan! I hope they have it in size 4. YAY, Kat!

  2. I really like this dress, but I wonder if it would be too long for petites. One of my “uniforms” in the spring and summer is a black dress with a patterned cardigan.

    • Ouch! That hurts :

      I find the latest Lark and Ro dresses to be so thin and clingy in terms of the fabric. All five went back. Disappointed… I’m 60 this year and surely do not need to wear clingy dresses to the office.

  3. SF Restaurants :

    I’m looking to buy a $100 restaurant gift card/certificate for a couple I know who just moved to San Francisco. Any suggestions for places in this price range in the Mission District? They are foodies and open to any cuisine.

    • Schmidt’s! Absolutely delicious German food. Might add up to a bit more than $100 with drinks and appetizers, though.

    • Get them an open table gift certificate- they’re accepted at a lot of places and it’s too hard to get a reservation somewhere hot to make a specific gift certificate useful (I’m looking at you, my flour and water gift certificate from 7 years ago).

      • Also, I’m not even sure that most restaurants even do gift certificates here anymore. You could also probably go with the other dining apps, like Ressie or Yelp that have taken some of OpenTable’s business.

      • Legally Brunette :

        + 1 Exactly. If you really know their restaurant preferences, you could also get them a certificate to restaurants under the same management group (here in DC, you can get one for Rasika, Bindaas, 701 and a number of others). But since they’re new to the city, I would stick to Open Table.

      • SF Restaurants :

        An Open Table gift certificate is perfect for this situation. Thanks for the suggestion.

        • Just going to chime in to agree. I live in the Bay Area and some former staff chipped in for an open table gift card when I changed jobs (they shouldn’t have but I’m glad they did)

          My husband and I ended up using the gift card when we were on vacation, not in SF, so it was nice that i could use it anywhere. And of course I thought very fondly of the people who gave it to me when we used it. :)

  4. paging Texans :

    Out-of-stater reading the latest hot takes on polls, demographics, and other politics. Curious what actual resident Texans think of the Beto-Cruz race. (And I know it’s many long months away!)

    • Ouch! That hurts :

      It is going to be a spectacle… Austin cannot outweigh the rest of the State, but one never knows! It will be a wild autumn here – it’s so hot in the summer that not much of anything goes on and folks seem to leave the state for summers more than ever now.

      • Anonymous :

        No way O’Rourke wins. No way.

        • Btw, that poll apparently was of all registered voters not likely voters. I’m a Republican in Houston, and I can tell you that other Republicans are LOVING that poll. They’re fundraising off of it big time.

      • Anonymous fed up Texan :

        I don’t know that it’s just going to be Austin voting for Beto. I live right next to Fort Worth, in Tarrant County (reportedly the most conservative urban county in the country per the way it votes) and have the following to report:
        1. Beto signs are popping up everywhere.
        2. I’m part of a political group that is block walking, registering voters, and writing postcards to voters to remind them to actually VOTE come November. We also run a website that’s one stop shopping for info on all the new candidates running for midterms. The people we’ve talked to in low voter turn out neighborhoods are excited to hear there’s an opponent to Ted Cruz.
        3. Beto is constantly holding get togethers and ‘town hall’ style events in the DFW Metroplex. He’s working hard, as is his campaign, to get word out.
        4. The phrase Texas votes republican is true, but per my data processing genius friend, the numbers tell a different story. Most democrats don’t bother voting believing it’s a lost cause, but republican turn out is also low for voting. Thus our group is focusing on getting democratic voters to the polls. It may be a fairer fight come midterms. We feel this may be an AL case: We just need people to actually go to the polls and vote for Beto (and down ticket as well. Don’t forget the rest of the ballot!)
        5. There are national groups pouring time and money into working with the more blue spots of texas to increase voter turn out. This race has caught the attention of more than just the local political groups.

        • In Denton/Collin Co area and agree with all of this. People are very active and Beto is visiting every county – even rural ones that never have a candidate come talk/listen.

        • This, Austin is known for it’s liberalism but every major city in Texas (Houston, Austin, Dallas, etc.) is democratic. It’s just the rural and some suburbs that are red.

    • Houstonian :

      I’m Houstonian, would love nothing more than for Beto to win, but… not optimistic. I actually think he wasn’t as dominant in the primary as he should have been, so that was the first bad sign. That and just the number of registered democrats statewide isn’t there yet. He’s super charismatic though. And hey, I didn’t think Donald Trump would win either!

      Note: Houston is blue and has been for a long time. It’s not just Austin! Our last mayor was a lesbian democrat, for crying out loud.

      • oil in houston :

        all major Texan towns are blue …. just look at last presidential results

      • Dallas County, and the city especially, is also strongly blue. It’s CoCo, Denton Co, and Fort Worth that drag us down in terms of metroplex statistics (thanks for insisting on using those but only saying “Dallas”, NYT!)

    • Hype.

      I’m no fan of Ted Cruz, but O’Rourke is not well known outside of El Paso, and despite having several large blue population centers, Texas is still a red state.

    • I’m cautiously optimistic. I agree O’Rourke’s primary win was not as dominant as it should be, particularly among Hispanics. Hopefully he’ll take that as a sign to change some of his tactics.

      I heard many months ago that Beto’s plan was to lose the rural areas less badly, and win big enough in the urban areas to win everything. Dallas, Austin, Houston, El Paso, and San Antonio are blue. The last holdout is Fort Worth (where I live) and we’re already gearing up for the battle. Lots of groups are block walking, posting signs, writing postcards, registering new voters, etc.

      I don’t know if this is happening all over the country, or just in Fort Worth, but people are starting to talk politics outside of their circles. A group of my friends and I were discussing a voter’s guide in a sandwich shop, and a stranger asked us if we were voting for Beto. I was telling a friend at the gym about my postcard writing party, and another woman in the locker room asked if we were supporting Beto.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      FiveThirtyEight had a chat about this and pulled in one of their Texans for the occasion, in case you’re interested in that sort of thing:

      • Yeah, I was reading that this morning! Thanks for all the thoughts. I’m watching with interest as I’m a resident of southwest PA and we had a mini-upset recently. Not nearly as big a race, of course, but one where a Democract hasn’t even been fielded in a few cycles (don’t even get me started on that).

  5. The 5 star review on this dress from Kort, tho. “The dress is fully lined with a soothing material that feels cool and streamlined, caressing the skin with each step. It also comes with a cute thin black belt that ties the outfit together. It’s a package deal with its sumptuous cut and feel providing a look of luxury.”

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Eww, that review was written by a guy about a dress for his wife.

      “The top portion has a slight loose draping about it that makes it feel effortless and stretchy” – how would he know???

    • Men writing reviews of women’s clothing on behalf of their wives or girlfriends is one of my biggest internet pet peeves

      • “I bought this for my wife and she loves it!”

        Does she? Or did she just tell you she did because she was being nice? If she really does, what aspect of it is positive or negative? Why are you here telling us this?! What do you think we get out of it?!

        • Or when they make some comment about it “hugging her curves” or similar. blech.

        • Lana Del Raygun :

          The only useful version of this is “My wife loves this dress and won’t stop talking about how big the pockets are.”

        • If you want to be really creeped out sometime, read men’s reviews of pantyhose, which I accidentally stumbled into and now cannot un-see. To clarify, not pantyhose they themselves wear, but more how they feel about pantyhose on women. Lotta fetishists out there.

          • … I’ll pass …

          • Of all the fetishes someone can have, this one honestly strikes me as pretty innocuous.

          • The reviews are more “all women should wear pantyhose, I hate looking at women who don’t wear pantyhose, they’re fat ugly slobs” and then a few “women” chime in and agree, and talk about their measurements and what size they wear and how great they look in pantyhose, with and without clothing.

  6. Anonymous :

    One of my close friends, who is also my roommate, is struggling with depression. I’ve been in his shoes with my own depression, but it is hard to know how to support him now that I’m on this side as the non-depressed friend. Can anyone share either what was helpful to them or what you did to support a loved one through depression? He’s medicated and seeing a therapist.

    • Planning outings with him, even just simple things…. so he has activities/sunshine/exercise that help his mood. Simple things are taking a walk/grocery shopping together to chat/coffee break/movie/frisbee in the park and anything that involves exercise/fun in the sun.

      Or get a dog! Kinda kidding, but few things help as much as unconditional love….

      You’re a good roommate. Take care of yourself.

    • So, this is a difficult question to answer without knowing more about his depression, but one thing that helped me was that my husband helped take as much off my plate as he could (so in your case, that might mean taking on more of the chores for awhile). I then started keeping a daily list of “things I did today” (because my therapist recommended it) – the rule was though that anything I did counted; got out of bed and showered – that counted – worked on a client project, watched a Netflix movie, remembered to eat enough – those all went on the list. Everything counted. Eventually, I found myself doing things just to put things on the list.

      For me, depression was a giant hole of feelings of inadequacy and failing at life, but doing the lists and seeing my therapist and having my husband helped me climb out of the hole. So honestly, I think the best thing you can do for him is be there for him , be supportive but not overbearing – even little things like remembering to thank him if he does something around the house – you can’t get him out of the hole yourself, there’s no way, but you can put a ladder or rope down there and help him climb it until he finds his way out. But at the end of the day (unless he’s a danger to himself or others), he is the one who has to get himself out of the hole.

      As a final note, don’t assume what worked for you in recovering from depression will work for him. Everyone is different. Listen to what he says, what he asks you to do; he has to be the guiding force behind his recovery or it will be stunted before it even begins.

      • Completely unrelated and this might be creepy. But G I missed you on this forum, I thought you disappeared for good. Great to see you’re back

        • I would say I’d been lurking but that’s a lie. I read once in a great while, but I do miss a lot of you OG ‘retters.

  7. A sheath dress is a dress that fits close to the body. This is not a sheath dress. It is a fit and flare, because the top is fitted, and then it flares. And while I am being pedantic, please do a refresh on what a tulip construction is, so you don’t call the bottom of a tulip skirt a ruffle. Oh, and while I am on the topic, pleats and gathering are not the same thing.

    • Anonymous :

      Yeah this isn’t a sheath at all. It’s cute!

    • Please drink some coffee so you can play well with others today.

      • I think Irish coffee is the correct prescription in this case…

      • +1

      • For what it’s worth, I don’t that’s overly grouchy. More than fair commentary on a fashion blog or any other fashion-related media. (But man does Irish coffee sound good!)

        • +1 to both (it is appropriate commentary, and I also would like an Irish coffee)

        • +1 Agreed. I was confused why she was referencing sheath dresses when talking about this dress.

          • Yes! It just makes me think the writer does not know what they are talking about when they call something like this a sheath, which then makes me wonder if I can trust their advice on other things…..

        • +1. Not a sheath. Pleats and gathering are absolutely not the same thing. Anon, please be pedantic any time you please. Some of us enjoy hearing the truth even about the small things in life.

          • But she didn’t call this a sheath dress. She referenced an earlier post about sheath dresses, but clearly calls this fit and flare. Maybe an awkward transition on Kat’s part + poor reading skills for apparently many readers. She then calls this a classic look (meaning, as an alternate to the classic sheath dress). So tired of everyone being so quick to judge.

    • Thank you. Totally agree with you. – former home sewist

      • I should add, if nothing else, things should be described correctly and consistently for the visually impaired.

        • For someone who runs a fashion blog, Kat doesn’t seem to know much about the technical terms for fashion or design. smh

        • Linda from HR :

          And so they’re easier to find! If I have a paricular kind of dress in mind and I’m using search engines, internal search functions on ecommerce websites, and filters to find what I want, I might miss something great if the description is off.

        • I should add, if nothing else, that she called this a fit and flare dress.

      • +1, with the caveat that I don’t think she was trying to call it a sheath dress, but was just trying to figure out a way to link to the previous post because…they all references dresses?

    • She did call it a fit and flare. Read the title.

      She only mentioned the recent post on sheath dresses because she always links to recent related posts when she can find a loose relevance, and for some of us, a fit and flare is our workwear sheath equivalent. If you didn’t know this, well I hope You learned something today Teacher!

  8. Have any of you considered unofficially leaning out versus officially leaning out, especially where there appears to be no upside to officially telling people you intend to work less?

    Say you worked at a firm that had a target for billables. You could officially go for a reduced target (like 60 or 80 percent), but more than half of the attorneys only hit about 60 or 80 percent any way with no consequence (they don’t get an hours-based bonus, but are not docked otherwise). Reducing the target helps, but overhead is not reduced so you are unlikely to be profitable (i.e., again, no bonus). So why do people choose to go 80? At my firm, it seems like only women do this.

    • Anonymous :

      There’s a ton of research on this that says men do it all the time and get away with it. Women ask for reduced hours and wind up marginalized with less pay. I say go for it and see what happens.

      • Anonymous :

        +1- dumbest thing I ever did was ask to go 80% at my firm. While you’re at it, if you’re communicating a ton about leaving early, coming in late, going to the doctor, etc., stop. Just go. Check your email while you’re out but be quiet about it.

      • +1. My division recently had a productivity review, and I was one of the only people who is meeting the target percentage, or close to it. (I guess this is a brag. I say “yes” a lot because I’m new and want to make sure I’m valued.) It made me realize how much personal buffer people create for themselves, privately, via time and assignments. If I ever feel like I’m burning out, I’m just going to quietly start saying “no” more often.

      • Yes, I read an article in NYT about this some time ago. Basically officially asking for the time out was more harmful than leaning out but sneakily. And men were more likely to sneak out and still advance in their careers than women, who were more likely to seek official accommodations.

      • +1. I’m not in law, but I started pulling back from my job in a way that meant I basically no longer had to really work on Mondays. I worked remotely and traveled a lot, so there wasn’t a “face time” component. I got all my work done and more. In the ~3 years I worked a 4 day week, I was promoted twice.

        I had a Monday team kickoff call with my entire team, had my 1:1 with my boss. Then my kids and I hung out all day and Tues-Friday I worked my butt off.

        • I did exactly this, except that I just silently started coming in an hour later and leaving 30 minutes earlier. No one noticed, and because my productivity remained high, I continued to get high performance evaluations. I’m pretty sure that if I’d asked permission it would have been a huge Thing.

    • Anonymous :

      Women tend to be rule followers more than men. So if they know they will only work 80% then they are more likely to seek formal approval of same. I’m not sure but I think Sheryl Sandberg wrote about this in Lean In that it’s an actual thing that women are more likely to ask for formal accommodations whereas men are more likely to make those accommdations for themselves.

      • Anonymous :

        This is really interesting, but I’m not sure it’s all that applicable in biglaw. It’s one thing to just sort of slack on your overall hours – you duck assignments, say no to work, maybe spend less time on your work than you could – we all know associates who do this on the reg and get away with it. I see an equal number of men and women doing this fwiw – though I will say the reasons are different – men tend to be in the, I’d rather be playing softball, camp; women do it for family care issues.

        I think people formalize it when the really need a schedule. You just can’t be guaranteed to ALWAYS leave the office at 5-6 or NEVER work weekends or NEVER go out of town if you work in biglaw. If that’s your situation then you need to get it in writing. I’ve definitely seen men try to do this without getting it in writing, but every single one of them got pushed out of the firm. I think women who do this are smart to preempt the issue so they don’t lose their job.

        • Right, except that it’s actually impossible to succeed in biglaw if you never work weekends or always leave at 5 or 6. You might survive and keep your job for a year or two if your practice area is strong and you have a powerful partner sponsor, but you’re not going to advance and will be the first to go in a downturn. Unless your situation is truly temporary — like your spouse is being deployed for a set period of time– you’re better off finding a different job.

        • Agree with anon at 11:02 – if you’re trying to enforce a schedule, you’re likely to get pushed out either way. Based on my own experience and from watching male associates try to set defined schedules from themselves (supplementing with work from home), usually for family reasons. This may vary by practice area as well as by firm culture.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Personally, I would worry that officially asking for a reduced target would make people think “Oh, she’s not really committed,” and then penalize me for it subtly or even unconsciously — not offering me as interesting/challenging/prestigious work, not recommending me for promotions or conferences or whatever, that kind of thing.

    • There was a huge kerfuffle over this exact thing at my public accounting firm. The firm had been through a merger, and during the merger, the firm intranet was a complete maze of random folders, things not password protected, etc. Someone found what we started referring to as “the spreadsheet of discontent”. It had every single employee, from intern to partners, with everyone’s name and actual number of billable hours on it. The majority of full time employees were not meeting the target billable numbers. Some offices were billing way more across the board than others. Some practice groups were billing way more than others. This was when I realized that going 80% was financially foolish. Not only do you take a 20% pay-cut, you look like you’re not dedicated. The problem is, if you don’t go to 80%, you’re still required to have 100% face time, even if you’re not billing the whole time, or you look like a slacker. I think women who go 80% need an excuse to leave the office at a reasonable hour. This may vary in OP’s situation if the full time but under billing people are also leaving at a reasonable hour.

      • lol at “the spreadsheet of discontent”. I can certainly see how it would cause waves!

      • I’m at 75% as a senior associate. I like it bc it permits me to go home at 6/6:30. Not that many people I work with know that I’m on a reduced schedule, although I’m sure all the partners who count do. I don’t even make my hours with the reduced goal. Being on a reduced goal means that I don’t have to wait around and scrounge to make my hours. And I’m in a feast or famine practice so I don’t have try during the feast times to make up for the famine times. But I’m also not competing with other associates for the good work because I’m in a tiny practice group.

        Going reduced time works for some people, doesn’t for others. But it’s great to have the option. Even for just short stretches.

        • I thought it was real too, when I did it. I since realized it wasn’t great. I took a pay cut for nothing – I wasn’t going to stay to make partner, and as someone on a reduced schedule I wasn’t going to make partner anyway. The psychological comfort wasn’t worth the massive actual dollar cost. Every woman I know with the benefit of hindsight has realized it’s a bad deal.

          • As a voice of dissent, I did it because I was committed to staying and felt like I needed to do it to maintain my sanity. I did make partner while part time (and continued part time thereafter). I couldn’t maintain a full-time schedule, and I think it would have been hard to make partner without going part time with my clearly below target hours. My group was super supportive of whatever my decision was, though.

    • I 100% hear this and would never, ever go part-time/reduced hours at my mid-sized firm for this reason. This is total truth. So long as your PT is within striking distance of the average (so 80% of target by your example, which is actually pretty close to average at my firm) there is zero reason to punish yourself. We’ve had people truly cut back to less than 50% for various reasons, and that seems like a reasonable exercise but why would you otherwise slight yourself?

    • So, in my biglaw office, there are two different approaches on this among the lady lawyers. One – some people are very much part time (70%) – this does not seem to work out well, because they still need to hit the 70% target, and now have to work a lot of nights and weekends to get those hours. (In my office, these people need to leave at 2:30 or 3:00 to do school pickup, so they’re missing some prime “people are at their desks and responding to emails and getting sh*t done” time between 2:30-6:30/7:00. We’re in a transactional practice and represent a lot of banks, so being available on a Tuesday afternoon is just what’s in line with when our clients are focused on deals).

      Then we have some associates at 90%. They personally feel like at 90%, they’re just cutting out the BS hours and it provides relief that way. And 90% of a BigLaw salary is still a lot.

      With the part timers, the partners are annoyed that during a prime chunk of a business day (when our clients are available), the lawyer is not. I can understand the frustrations, but then I think the partners should be having different discussions when someone requests to go part time. They’re just too scared about offending someone when they ask to have these discussions. With some of the 70% people, it’s like, why didn’t you just say that your hours were going to be from midnight to 6 :00 AM? I feel like it’s the same level of availability for some of these people.

    • I’ve done this successfully. Not in a billable environment. Still get good annual reviews and am a valued member of the team. Now I get a brief from meeting lead about the 6am meeting rather than feel required to attend. Frankly the briefs are useful to everyone so this has been a change for the positive for all.

  9. I know this is a long shot, but for any art history majors/aficionados: I’m trying to remember the name of an artist who I really liked so that I can hunt down a poster/reproduction. Here is what I know with near 100% certainty:

    – these are large scale paintings
    – some consist of highly geometric “rays” of colour arranged in ways that make it feel like you are looking at a highway receding into the distance
    – some are less geometric – they give the impression of a sunset or fire
    – it’s a woman. She may be Canadian, but I’m less sure of that.
    – she had a long career
    – she must be pretty well known. I believe I saw a large exhibit at the Musee des Beaux-Arts Montreal in December 2016. If not there and then, then at another major Canadian art museum recently.

    I have searched far and wide for these, especially on the Museum’s website, and just cannot find them. Any help appreciated!

    • Duchess of Cambridge :

      Agnes Martin?

      Will keep pondering…


    • Maybe even Emily Carr, but Jack Bush/Kim Dorland comes to mind..

    • anon a mouse :

      Jessica Eaton?

      Have you tried emailing the museum? I bet they can help you.

    • Wanda Koop?

    • There’s a link on the Musee’s website that lists all its exhibitions in 2016 so you can check there but was it a group showing of other female artists as well? Because if it was, I think you’re thinking of Wenda Koop.

    • Thanks everyone for the thoughts!

      It’s not Agnes Martin, Wanda Koop, Sonia Delaunay, Jack Bush/Kim Dorland, or Jessica Eaton.

      But I figured it out! (And should have figured it out sooner…why didn’t I check the AGO website too???) It’s Rita Letendre. And she is a woman from Quebec. But I saw her art here in Toronto, which is why I couldn’t find a matching exhibit from Montreal’s museum. My morning is now complete.

  10. I tried an expensive anti-aging serum for 4 weeks (morning and night) and it seems to have had no effect. Anyone here found one that truly works miracles?

    • I use lactic acid for acne and scarring and it seems to also work on my wrinkles. Yay hormones!

    • Anonymous :

      I saw a noticeable difference with OleHenriksen night serum after a couple of days. They sell sample versions at Sephora and online – it’s a great way to test and see if they work for you!

    • Anonymous :

      I think it takes 8-12 weeks to see any effect from most skin-care products. So I would keep up with it. Which product? Or what are the active ingredients? Retinol takes at least 8-12 weeks to see effects. Vitamin C you might see more immediately. The only “miracle cream” is retinol…and Botox/Fillers :)

      • I was using Lancome Genifique. Have also tried Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair. Both pricey and recommended on beauty sites.

    • Anonymous :

      Retinol and sunscreen.

      • According to my dermologist as well as some anetcdotal evidence, this these only topical product I’ve head universally/legitimately works.

        • Or Finacea (azaleic acid) for those with rosacea or skin too sensitive for retinoic acid.

          Definitely on the sunscreen.

          Most dermatologists also agree that antioxidants are good for keeping the sun damage you do even through the sunscreen at bay.

          • Azaleic acid from The Ordinary is my new holy grail. So much improvement in my skin’s texture in just a couple of weeks. Not really on wrinkles, but pore appearance and random little bumps.

    • I’ve been using AHAs and BHAs for acne (Drunk Elephant’s serum and also a 1% salicylic acid moisturizer by Philosophy) and have seen more improvement in wrinkles than I ever did when I was using products actually meant for that. Go figure.

      • Housecounsel :

        I’d skip spending on anything non-prescription and ask your dermatologist for an appropriate Retin-A formulation.

        • Retin A doesn’t work for me. My skin is so sensitive that I have never been able to get past the red, dry, and flaky period that is common when a person starts on Retin A. It is actually on my derm’s recommendation that I’ve found good non-prescription options.

          • Did you try applying your retinol on top of your night-time moisturizer? And only using it a few times a week? Also, some brands/formulations are less irritating than others.

            The first doctor who prescribed it for me was not great, not giving me good feedback/directions and she did not troubleshoot. My skin was red/peeling and I had to stop the retinoid.

            When I went back many years later to see a new dermatologist, she had me come back frequently to see how it was working and had useful input. I re-started a mild retinoid very slowly (ex. once a week for > 1 month, very slowly increased its use), got better advice on how to apply it and when/how to use my moisturizer. I also read a lot online for advice.

            Sorry if this is not relevant to you. Maybe you had a great doctor and already tried everything. But seen enough poor doctors in my day to know that second opinions are often useful.

          • I’m not the person you’re addressing, but retinoids are not for everyone.

            I used to use retin-A and had to stop. I have sensitive skin plus mild rosacea that I’m trying to stop from becoming less than mild.

            My derm agreed that I should stop all retinoids and try something else. I’m using Finacea, which also has a break in period, but it’s definitely not as irritating as retinoic acid.

          • Anonymous at 11:08, would love to hear more about your Retin-A regime and how you built up to it. I recently started using a very mild Retin-A formulation (.025%) and built up to 2x per week over a 6 week period without much redness. Still trying to work out how to use it with moisturizer. So far I just use the Retin-A alone on the nights I apply it. If you apply it on top of your moisturizer, how long do you wait after you put the moisturizer on before you add the Retin A?

    • Glycolic acid toner, Retinol & Sunscreen. That’s it. Peptides if you’re 100% consistent every. single. day.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I’m a fan of a few Clinque products. One is the all about eyes roller ball thing, another is the moisture surge moisturizer and a third is a serum that comes in a big gray bottle. I think my skin looks noticeably healthier when I use these. It looks brighter and less tired. That makes me look less old. It does not get rid of fine lines and wrinkles though.

    • Neostrata and Exuviance are good brands. That Ole night stuff mentioned is also good. The one in the pump bottle.

      Derms also recommend Avene and I see The Ordinary gets good reviews. But apparently, products sell out quickly.

    • I’ve seen some minor improvements in my pores and the general “glow” of my skin from using Vitamin C (I use peter thomas roth), but the only thing that has truly improved my skin with lasting impact is a retinol product. I’m using OTC Differin now and liking it.

    • My first question would be what is your expected benefit (what do you want to achieve by using serums) and then decide whether the product/ingredient is the right fit for that.

    • Piggybacking on this question, has anyone found an antioxidant serum that is not sticky? I have tried several (2 from Skinceuticals, 1 from Caudalie, and another whose brand escapes me) and find them all to leave a sticky residue on my skin. Applying a little from a tester at Sephora leads to be believe that Dr. Gross and Drunk Elephant also have that sticky texture. Is this just a fact of life for these serums?

  11. Anonymous :

    Planning to buy a website domain, but want anonymity. Do you have to use your legal name when buying a domain? In case it’s relevant, assume it’s bought through a site like wix, weebly, squarespace, etc.

    • You can definitely have it privately registered so a Whois search won’t reveal it. But you’re supposed to use a real name with your registrar and may be asked at some point to correct any inaccurate/false information.

    • If you want layers, you could form an LLC and use and corporate registration service as your registered agent, then use the LLC to purchase the domain name

    • Buy it in name cheap and get free whoisguard.

    • Buy it on namecheap and get free whoisguard. Easy.

  12. I have an interview as a lateral attorney to go from a regional to BigLaw today – please wish me luck!

    This role would be much more of what I want to do, plus a jump to what sounds like a much better work environment (yes, my regional is so bad to work for that BigLaw would be an improvement, which I’ve confirmed with some who left already)! Obviously there’s downside but overall I think it would be a vast improvement.

    Just needed to share somewhere with you all, especially as I can only share with a few irl!

  13. What’s your favorite body cream or body butter? I just got through the Sephora one, which I liked a lot texture-wise, but not as much on scent-wise.

    • Anonymous :

      I like the body shop body creams. They work well and smell great. I really like the strawberry one.

    • I’m super into Lush’s Sleepy body lotion right now. Smells like lavender, makes my skin feel really soft.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 I use Aveeno for everyday lotion and the Lush sleepy lotion is a new part of my evening self-care routine. I love it.

    • Tree Hut shea butter

    • KateMiddletown :

      All time favorite is not made anymore – Kiehl’s Imperial Balm… it was the best full of seabuckthorn oil and goodies.

      • I like creme de corps from Kiehls. I put it on my feet nightly, and usually spread some up onto my calves. I like the thicker kind in the tub. It’s expensive – $48 i think for the large tub i have – but I got it for Christmas and I’d say I’m about halfway through now.

        I also put on regular aveeno lotion the second I dry off from a shower, while my skin is still somewhat warm. This was a habit I picked up as a teen taking accurate, and I’ve never been able to kick it.

        So, no scaly legs means lotion twice per day for me.

    • I love the ones from Soap & Glory and they’re almost always on some kinda sale at Ulta or Target.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Cerave in the tub is the only thing I’ve found that un-scales my winter legs in one go.

  14. Speaking of misogyny :

    Man, the world sucks even more than usual for women right now. We have the incel attacker, disgraced men from #metoo getting their jobs back, and the San Francisco Public Library displaying an extreme fringe group’s “exhibition” of bloody t-shirts with violent slogans against women alongside bats and axes to shut them up with. Wtf is wrong with this world.

    • Horrifying. Just like in corporate America, the tone is set up at the top :(

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Oh my word, I just looked up the SFPL exhibit and I’m even more horrified than I was before. That this misogyny passes for “feminism” in some quarters makes me sick. >:-|

    • I am truly baffled that a freaking PUBLIC LIBRARY in a “progressive” city found it appropriate to display axes and a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire (FFS) alongside “die cis scum” and “I punch TERFS.” I can’t even deal with how aggressively violent and misogynistic that is. Who is the audience for this garbage?

      Not to mention the plaque accompanying the display – I just saw a photo on Twitter and the plaque claims that radical feminists are responsible for deaths of trans people. As far as I know, there is not one single case of a woman murdering a trans person. Why do the men who actually kill trans people always get a free pass while feminists get vilified for discussing gender theory?

    • Hey, at least Cosby was convicted!

  15. Headed to Palm Beach for a long weekend and I’ve never been to Miami. Recommendations for a day spent in Miami? No food restrictions or other plans made yet. TIA!

  16. I have a dry skin patch at the corner of my mouth. Sometimes it gets so dry the corner of my mouth cracks. I put some steroid cream on it, anything else I should try?

    • I don’t have a recommendation for a good cream, but I will caution you about using steroid cream on that part of your face. I did to address a similar patch of dry skin, and then came down with a case of perioral dermatitis. In fact, the dry skin might’ve already been perioral dermatitis. In either case, steroid cream use is a risk factor and also makes perioral dermatitis worse too.

      • Thank you for the warning, i will discontinue the steroids, try the multivitamin and then see a dermatologist. I appreciate you all!!

    • Slather it in Vaseline while you sleep. And any other time you don’t care about the looks of having a bunch of Vaseline on your face. While you sleep is the best though because it won’t get disturbed.

      • I thought Vaseline protected against outside things (like chafing or air or whatnot) whereas Aquaphor actually moisturized. For my money I’d put that Neosporin lip stuff on it.

        • I don’t disagree. But I can tell you I get these patches, and it works for me every time. Poster could also layer the Vaseline over Aquaphor. I layer Vaseline over lip balm on my lips all winter. Seems to help. But my skin is so sensitive that lots of actual moisturizers react with super dry patches on my skin and make them worse. Vaseline is gentle enough and gets the job done.

    • Aquaphor.

    • Aquafor. And really slather it on before you go to bed at night. Lips and skin around lips. I also use it around my eyes at night.

      Humidifier at home.

      Drink drink drink….

      Avoid drying lip treatments/make-up. There may be something you are using on your lips that is a little irritating.

    • Well, first up you may want to get blood work done by your doctor because the side dryness can be a sign of nutritional deficiencies.

      But to add to the other recommendations, Blistex now sells a lip serum that works just as well as any expensive lip serum I’ve used in the past and with regular use has finally helped clear up my chronic chapped lips.

    • Here’s what my dermatologist says about Aquaphor vs. Vaseline (I am an Aquaphor fan). Aquaphor is petroleum jelly with preservatives and other ingredients, Vaseline is 100% petroleum jelly. My derm recommends just Vaseline for use on scars, broken, & irritated skin because the added ingredients in Aquaphor have a higher risk of irritating skin further. However, if you are using it without issue, then not a problem.

      Just an FYI if you are deciding between them.

    • Yeah, I had something like this when I went Paleo AIP. Sounds like a vitamin deficiency.

    • Another anon :

      It sounds like you might be describing angular chelitis. I had this on and off for years (without knowing it had a name). Vaseline, etc helped lessen it, but what finally made it go away was the recommendation by a doctor to take a multivitamin. Even now, sometimes I’m bad about taking them and I can see the edges start to get red. Starting back up makes it get better before it gets cracked/inflamed again.

      • I was coming here to say this. I have angular chelitis. When it gets really bad, there is a prescription ointment. But upping good nutrition has stopped most of the outbreaks.

      • I periodically get small cracks (almost like paper cuts) on one or the other corners of my mouth and was 100% convinced that it was angular chelitis. I went to my doctor expecting her to confirm my diagnosis and write me a prescription, but she said it was just dry skin and the only thing I could do was use Aquaphor and wait it out.

      • Definitely sounds like angular chelitis. I get it and vaseline/aquaphor only make it worse (I think those ointments trap the bacteria) – my derm recommended against that type of treatment. The only thing that works is cotton wool with listerine applied morning and night. Goes away in two days with that treatment.

    • Oh my gosh you all, it totally could be nutritional since I have to eat a very limited diet, thank you for the rec! Will try a multivitamin.

      • FYI – I don’t know why you are on a limited diet, but please talk with your doctor. A standard multivitamin does not have enough calcium, vitamin D, iron, or B12 if you are deficient, in most cases. I am surprised you are not taking at a minimum a multivitamin is you are on a limited diet.

        Doctors are notoriously sloppy about nutrition. Ask to see a nutritionist if your doctor is unhelpful, and record a week of your typical diet and bring it to your appointment.

        • Anonymous :

          That’s a good idea, the diet was for GI issues that were making me miserable and after consulting several different kinds of doctors over the course of several years, I am managing it through basically elimination diet so the foods i can eat are minimal. A nutritionist might be my next step and I appreciate the note of caution.

          • I hear you. If you are following up with a GI they SHOULD be advising you, but often they are sloppy too. However, they tend to have a nutritionist they like so if you call their office and ask you could get a name.

    • It may not actually be a dry patch, it may be a fungal or other sort of invasion. I’d see a dermatologist. Definitely be wary of the steroid cream; it thins the skin. In the meantime I’d put coconut oil on it; it has anti-fungal properties, is moisturizing and generally healing.

    • Neosporin

    • Cracked mouth corners can point to vitamin B deficit.

    • Another anonymous judge :

      Sometimes canesten is a miracle cream for this, although I second the idea that it might be nutritional.

  17. I have 3 brand new never worn expensive-to-me tops from Talbots that didn’t fit me and I forgot to return in time and can no longer find the receipt for. What is the simplest least loss-making thing I can do now? :(

    • Legally Brunette :

      I lost a receipt at Banana Republic and they were able to find the purchase by pulling up my credit card. Even if you don’t get a refund, store credit would be better than a loss altogether. I would try that first. Good luck, I hate when that happens.

    • They have pretty good customer service in my experience. Would you consider calling or chatting with them and asking them if they would honor it? They might not, but what do you have to lose?

      You could always try e Ba y or Poshmark.

    • If they still have the tags on, you might be able to return. In the future, can you get email receipts? That’s been a game-changer for me.

    • If they still have the tags on, you could try to get store credit from Talbots.

    • grapefruit :

      Talbots won’t use your credit card to look up the purchase. I tried that recently without success when I forgot a receipt in another purse. All they will do is give you store credit for the value of the items now, not what you paid for them or what the tag says. I bought a dress full price and tried to return it the next weekend, but by then it had gone on sale. They wouldn’t look up my credit card to show I had paid full price and only offered me store credit for the sale price.

  18. Online Dating Help? :

    How do you convert chatting in dating apps to actual dates? I feel like there’s chit chat and then it goes nowhere… do you generally have to be the one to initiate a meetup? What does that look like? Help with scripts would be even better!

    If it matters, I’m talking about hinge and bumble. Maybe just being too tentative in general, but I don’t understand how to convert conversation to a first date, much less a second!

    • Just come out and ask if you’re really interested in meeting the guy and he’s not initiating. Maybe he’ll say yes, maybe he won’t, but at least you won’t continue wasting your time chatting with someone that you’ll never actually meet. I think I read that if you don’t start planning to meet up within like three days, it’s unlikely that you’ll be anything more than pen pals. Anecdotally, I don’t think that’s untrue, as if a guy is really interested, he’ll likely make the suggestion. I’ve also chatted with people that I’ve been meh about and then didn’t feel like it was worth putting the effort in to actually meet. But I don’t think it’s going to hurt your chances to make the invite.

    • Some may call me ‘old fashioned,’ but everyone has a different style. I don’t ask men out in real life so that’s how I approached the on-line situation. Usually after a couple exchanges they either initiate wanting to talk on the phone or meet in real life. I found if the chatting went on too long–a few exchanges, they themselves were either not actually interested in meeting/preferred to use the site as a way to socialize without socializing.

      That being said, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to go from a couple exchanges and say “Hey, this convo seems interesting. Would you like to set up a phone chat?” Then you chat for 15 min or so, see that it’s a real person, do your second level screen. If you’re still interested and they haven’t yet proposed a meeting, then I’d say, “if you’re free x or z time it would be great to meet up for coffee, drink, visit neat thing you’d been wanting to check out.”

      If you’re on the fence either on-line or on-phone and you have the time, I’d go. Most people are better in person and this on-line thing is awkward for most people.

      • Don’t do the phone chat thing. That’s weird. Nobody in my generation talks on the phone.

        • Yeah…that advice flies out the window with complete strangers. Hearing a voice that corresponds to what they have told you and that you can pair when you meet in person is a crucial screener. Hopefully the next person you meet online isn’t part of a prostitution ring that yanks you into a van while walking to the meetup spot, you wouldn’t know, cause you didn’t even try to put in a second screen.

          • Lol what?

          • Ditto lol what. If someone insists on talking on the phone I just block and move on.

          • A voice that corresponds to what they have told you? Like you can confirm that someone is, in fact, a vegetarian accountant as opposed to a gluten-free lawyer or a prostitution ringleader based on their voice alone?

          • I expect a p1mp will be able to refrain from spilling the beans on his secret prost1tution ring for a 15 minute phone call.

        • I agree that it’s weird, but I’m sad that it’s weird. I’ve tried asking for a phone chat a couple of times and gotten pushback that I don’t ask anymore, and I’ve found that the guys that still do ask are… socially outliers.

          That said, I’ve usually had a better sense of whether I would like someone in person after talking to them on the phone than over text. There’s a warmth (or not) in a person’s actual voice and conversational style that I personally don’t get in text. Also, usually phone calls don’t drag on half-dead for hours at a time while you wonder if you’re still expected to respond promptly or if the conversation is over and you can go do other things now.


        • I’m 37 and I find phone chatting with potential dates incredibly awkward. I only have social phone calls with my very closest long-distance friends and my parents.

    • Just say, I’ve enjoyed chatting with you! Want to get coffee this Saturday?

    • You ask.

    • I used some variation of “Hey, it’s been great messaging. I’m trying to figure out my schedule for this weekend, want to get a drink on Sunday?” and we’re still together 3.5 years later.

      And I do want to say, your instinct to proceed briskly from in-app chatter to in-person meetings is absolutely correct. Dating apps are a way to make an initial connection with someone–they aren’t the best way to get to know someone.

      • +1

        but 2.5 years, not 3.5.

      • Chocolate Gumdrops :

        +1 as well. My current bf of 3 years seemed to just want to text and text in the app for a few weeks, so I just said “here’s my number, let’s figure out a time to go to that bar we were talking about.” I later found out that this was the first online dating he’d done and I was the first girl he went out with from an app. And now I’m still the only girl he went out with from online ;-)

        But seriously, I think the nice thing about dating apps is that you’re ostensibly both there to date! And they’re not a friend, coworker, someone you know already, so if it doesn’t work out, no big deal! I tried to make that my mentality going into it when I tried a second time. I’d chat for a few days, and if they seemed nice and interesting and hadn’t suggested meeting up, then I’d offer them my number and say let’s do something.

    • AnonDater :

      I have asked for the date probably 50-60% of the time because I get really bored with the chit chat and don’t feel very motivated to keep that up for long. I usually say something a little humorous like, “Are you a serial killer? If not, want to meet up next week?”

  19. I’m going to a cocktail reception for a political candidate in a college town tomorrow and would love advice about what to wear. The reception is at 6, which suggests that the majority of people will be coming straight from work. Most people have fairly casual workplaces, but there are definitely some business formal types likely to be in the mix. I was thinking of wearing dark jeans, a blazer, and Madwell day heels. Does that sound too casual?

    • Sounds good to me.

      What’s your goal here? Just a socializing opportunity? Networking? Considering politics in the future yourself? Want to talk up the candidate?

      • Networking & considering, I’d say. Does that change any outfit advice?

        • Yes, it does. Especially if you expect the candidate to be dressed up more, and the people you are networking with might also be dressed up more.

          Then I would step it up a notch to business casual. Maybe a sheath dress or other dress with blazer.

          When you are the big donor they are trying to charm, you can wear anything….

    • Yeah I wouldn’t wear jeans to a cocktail reception. Dressy pants or a dress/blazer.

      • Eh – depends on the town. It sounds like it’s likely to be a casual crowd. I mean, what’s the difference between a c0cktail reception and a happy hour meeting?

      • The majority of people at a political reception could care less what you wear. They just want your $ and maybe your vote. But $ first. So yes, your outfit sounds fine.

    • I was going to suggest exactly what you were already planning, dark jeans and a blazer. Most of the attention will likely be on the candidate anyway, so I suspect unless you wear something really outrageous you’ll blend in just fine.

  20. I got a Nordstrom gift card for my birthday, and I was considering going for the Barefoot Dreams cardigan. I am definitely swayed by the 1k+ excellent reviews, but is it REALLY worth the $$? I mean, that’s a lot of money for something I’m going to lounge in! On the other hand, since having a kid I do wear a lot more loungewear.

    • KateMiddletown :

      There was a knockoff one at Hautelook recently – not sure if Nords gcs work there, but it was like 25% of the price

    • I think there may have even been a knock off at Target.

    • It may be too long for you to wait, but they do go on sale – and I think the July Anniversary sale usually leads to a markdown as well. If you’re patient, I bet you could get at least 20% off.

    • Completely worth it.

      • I have a Barefoot Dreams sweater as my “desk sweater” and love it, even though I admit it may be overpriced.

  21. What to ask derm :

    I’m a meeting with a reputed dermatologist tomorrow for a consult, a first time visit. I just turned 40. I am planning to ask her about IPL to remove some dark spots on my face, and a new scrip for Retin-A. What else would you ask about, given my age? I have some forehead lines but am not interested in Botox.

    • Cancer. Ask for a skin cancer check. It’s the most important part.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Mole check?

    • dark spots :

      In addition to a skin check, know that there are different options for your dark spots depending on the cause. I assumed I would need IPL but I have melasma, and had luck treating it with prescription strength hydroquinone (I know it’s not for everyone, but it worked for me when nothing else did) and some chemical peels. Takes more time, but I’ve heard of people who had their melasma worsen after laser treatment, so seemed like a better route. Obviously, keep using lots of sunscreen no matter what treatment you have.

      • I had melasma as well and also went the hydroquinone route per the advice of my derm. It worked really well and was about half the cost of IPL.

    • Sunflower :


  22. Family Girl Trip :

    Need some help – my grandmother (75) & my mother want to do a girls trip with my sister and I this summer and I need ideas. We’d be flying out of the middle of the country, so we can get anywhere handy. I’m suggesting a cruise since I’m not sure my grandmother will be up for all of the walking that comes with visiting cities.

    Looking for ideas of locations that are a good mix of fun/interesting (for mom and sister) and relaxing and easy (for grandma and me, because I’m almost burnt tf out at work). Need something that is in the the US/US-Adjacent, not really worried about budget and a place where 3-4 days would be perfect. Not opposed to beach, but not looking for just beach. Figured the Hive would have ideas!

    • Alaskan cruise jumps out at me but 3-4 Days is short for that. Is grandma infirm? 75 isn’t that old.

      Ohhhhh hotel del Coronado in San Diego??

      • Ooooh that would be neat!

        Grandma isn’t infirm but doesn’t do a ton of walking/physical activity. Think more of a lady who lunches & visits friends vs an active retiree.

        • Not sure what shape your grandma is in, so this may not be applicable. But my 68 year old mother doesn’t do basically any walking or physical activity, and can’t do much more than walking around a store. (The 3 block walk to the metro from my house is too far for her, for context.) I’ve found that the only vacations I can do with her are cruises. They have a good mix of activities in the ports – we will do some city tour things together, and I’ll do some more active things on my own. We will have dinner together, see a show, and then I can hang out, go to the gym, etc by myself. I’ve done both Alaska and Caribbean cruises with her. They are both great locations, and preference just depends on what you want to see/do.

          I’ve tried to do vacations in other US cities with her, and it just doesn’t work. I get too frustrated cause I want to visit something that is 4 blocks away, and that is too far for her. So, you can’t just walk to a restaurant for dinner or visit two museum that are close together or visit any sites that involve walking. I’ve tried, but I’m just not able to deal with it and it frustrates me to no end.

    • New Orleans? Charleston? San Diego?

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        If your grandmother likes lunching a food city like NOLA sounds perfect to me.

        • Agree. Any of these cities would be great. You can all enjoy great meals together and then you and Grandma can lounge at the hotel pool while your mom and sis go explore.

      • Caveat that NOLA and Charleston are VERY hot and humid in the summer.

      • Commander’s Palace for lunch with the 25 cent martinis is the ultimate “ladies who lunch” kind of spot.

        • We’d do Nola but that’s where we’re all from! My Grandmother & mother lived there until my mom was a teenager and we go back multiple times a year. For anyone who hasn’t done the Commander’s Palace lunch – do it though, I loved it. haha!

    • Banff/Lake Louise/Jasper?

      Fairmont Banff Springs has a great spa. Easy drive between each of the spots. Can fly into Calgary and out of Edmonton. Beautiful scenery and you can take the gondolas up the mountains for fantastic views.

      • This sounds lovely.

      • maybe with the Rocky Mountaineer train? I have heard it’s a great way to enjoy the mountain scenery.

      • Suggesting somthing similar -A ski town. Vail and Park City come to mind. Cute, walkable towns, with great hotels/resorts and great scenery. Could do something active liking hiking or mountain biking or you could sit and relax by the pool or spa or browse the boutiques. The weather is usually great in the summer, esp end of July, early August. Just be aware of the altitude, if that’s a concern.

    • Playa del Carmen area?

    • Never too many shoes... :

      My mom is turning 75 this summer and I am taking her to London for some opera and museums. Second choice was New York.

    • These are all wonderful! I’m going to share with the other three and get something booked. Thanks, all!

  23. I have sensitive skin and am having trouble shaving and moisturizing my legs afterward without getting bumps and a rash. What products should I be using for this? Should I be using “natural” products? I guess I don’t care…though I probably should. I am just embarrassed of the rash.

    • What works for me is (1) shaving with hair conditioner instead of shaving cream (2) always using a new, sharp razor (3) immediately after shaving, swipe my legs with a couple of red Stridex pads for exfoliation, stings so bad but this is a critical step (4) followed by moisturizing with Cerave cream from the tub. The next day, repeat step #3. Also, only shaving every 3-4 days at most.

      • I used to have the same issue. I think that the new, sharp razor is key here. I switched to dollar shave club for just this reason. I use a new blade every time or every other time I shave my legs. I use the one step up from the bottom rung razor blades in their program.

        And now everyone in my house uses the dollar shave club blades – husband, teen daughter, teen son. I guess I am a walking ad for them. But I’m walking around with non-bumpy legs, so…

    • I shave with baby oil instead of shaving cream. Shaving cream is expensive and dries my legs out.

    • Greensleeves :

      I have the same problem and here’s what works for me. I only shave twice a week during the months when I will be out in bare legs, once a week during winter. I use shower oil for my moisturizer, and when I’m shaving I put that on my legs first. Then I add a layer of Kiss My Face shaving cream. Finally, I saw this tip somewhere and it makes a difference for me, even though it sounds weird – only shave half of your lower leg at a time. So, I shave all the way around my leg from my ankle to halfway up to my knee. Then I shave all the way around from the halfway point up to my knee. I’m not sure why it works, but I think it forces me to use less pressure. (I shave my upper legs all at once, but I don’t have trouble with bumps there.) Then I rinse and finish my shower by using oil again on my legs and the rest of my body like I normally do.

    • I asked this question on this site last summer!

      Based on the recs, I changed to shaving with hair conditioner, and after getting out of the shower, slathering my wet legs with baby oil. Use a good razor.

      No problems since.

  24. Have any of the lawyers on this site read this book for associates about a yearly checklist for marketing yourselves and makin’ rain? Worth it?

  25. Root touch up :

    I’m looking for a root touch up with a mascara type of wand to use to cover gray, between colorings. I don’t want a spray, but one that applies like a mascara directly on the roots. My hair is black. I have somewhat of a sensitive scalp but so nothing too harsh. Any suggestions?

    • Why not just use a water soluble mascara? It’s cheaper and you have a wide array of colors (even for black hair: brunette, black, soft black, black black).

      • Anonymous :

        Unfortunately, this doesn’t work very well, for me at least. The mascara formulations are meant to dry semi-hard and it makes my hair look greasy. OP – what I do is use the eyebrow coloring kit. Apply before shower with a mascara wand, wait 6 minutes, wash, style as usual. It does not bleach hair and lasts a few days. Godefroy tint kit.

    • I take one of the root covering sprays and spray it on a mascara applicator and apply.

    • Anonymous :

      My stylist actually told me to go ahead and use mascara in a pinch, which I have done. However, if you are looking for ease of use (sprays are horrible to control and messy, IMO), then consider Color Wow root cover up. It’s a powder with a brush (like a two headed makeup brush) and I’ve found it by far the easiest to control and most unobtrusive on — surprisingly undetectable. You can get it at Ulta.

  26. Stacey Abrams As Governor :

    I don’t live in Georgia but I find this conversation about Stacey Abrams pretty interesting. Yale law grad, some poor financial choices but also some real hardships, etc. She is $200,000 in debt – IRS, student loans, and credit cards. I haven’t seen anything about the breakdown. She talks a lot about financial literacy, which is something I wholeheartedly wish we taught in schools. But I also think that politicians should hold themselves to a higher standard. Government budgets are not easy to balance. I know they are different than household budgets, but as someone who *really* sacrificed to get out of debt, something about her response to the criticism is bothering me.

    Link to follow to avoid moderation.

    • Stacey Abrams As Governor :

    • Personal finance and debt management is very different than government spending, debt and budget management. Unless the majority of that debt is due to IRS tax evasion, I don’t think it reflects whatsoever on her reliance as a political candidate. Also, Yale is expensive. Literally all $200k could be school debt. I’m not sure what kind of student debt you have heard of or used to, but $200k in education debt is high but not at all out of the norm, especially if you’ve dedicated your career to public service or nonprofit work.

      • The article states that $50K of it is IRS debt, and she has $170K of student loan and credit card debt (doesn’t state that breakdown). $50K of IRS debt is a lot.

    • So you have a problem with a black woman from a less-than-awesomely-privileged background putting herself through law school – Yale LS to be exact – helping her drug addicted brother and his children, and helping her parents recover from Katrina – and not yet having paid off all the debt she incurred to do all those things?

      Yeah I have a problem too. I have a problem with the fact that more politicians don’t look like Abrams. I have a problem with the fact that more politicians don’t come from the top 2%. And I have a problem with the fact that, when someone who isn’t a rich white man runs for office, people like you say that she’s just not holding herself to a higher standard.

      • Preeeeeach.

      • Stacey Abrams As Governor :

        I’m a black woman from a less than awesomely privileged background too. We don’t all think alike.

      • +100000

        Not everyone is privileged enough to be out of debt.

      • Alanna of Trebond :

        Doesn’t that seem really patronizing? Maybe we’ve stopped expecting anything from our politicians (I mean, we have), but she has been out of law school for at least 10 years, and she has incurred credit card and tax debt.

      • Pretty Primadonna :

        This right here.

      • plus a gazillion. I live in Illinois where to even be a contender for governor one must be a billionaire. I dont even feel like it is a democracy, it is just choosing among the uber rich white men that can afford to advertise. the IL candidates dont “hold themselves to a higher standard” they just happen to be born into insanely wealthy families. So, no, I’m not going to criticize Stacy Abrams. Anyone could balance their personal budget if they are worth a billion dollars.

      • Senior Attorney :


        Not to mention the fact that our president, for Pete’s sake, has had multiple bankruptcies and has stiffed more creditors than Stacy Abrams will ever have. And who knows if he even cops to owing the IRS money or whether he has used his (made up?) business losses to avoid paying altogether?

        • Again with the very low bar for public office. I wish Trump paid his taxes, and I wish she did as well.

      • Anonymous :

        But (1) this is not all school debt and (b) if she was actually working in public interest jobs for the past ten years, the school debt would have been forgiven. So, no, I’m not buying your argument. I do have concerns about someone with significant IRS debt being in elected office

    • Not everyone can be someone “who *really* sacrificed to get out of debt”. I would be more concerned if she came from a wealthy background and had financial troubles. Per Anon 11:25, Abrams did not have much family support and she was the one helping others.

    • I expect my government officials to pay their taxes on time.

    • The tax debt bothers me a lot more than the credit card debt. Credit card debt does give me pause but given her circumstances and the fact she was supporting family, I’m inclined to be forgiving of that. But I don’t know how someone can run for public office owing back taxes to the govt.
      The student loans bother me not at all (they may be at a low interest rate and it may make sense to keep them around long term). I’ve worked for many a white man 20+ years out of law school who still had loans because it made financial sense and no one thought anything of it.

    • The student loan debt doesn’t bother me – I can completely understand that it would accrue interest in early years and then become a hole that is hard to dig out of. Sometimes, just paying the interest is hard enough.

      The $55,000 in back taxes is, IMHO, the larger problem. Figure that stuff out before running for high office.

      • How does she owe so much in back taxes? Law school and credit cards, lots of people have those. But I feel like owing that much in back taxes is much less common, and is more problematic.

        • Either a lot of interest and penalties, or six figures of income that she never paid taxes on.

          I could vaguely see a straight-laced argument for her running for US Congress on a “fixing this mess, because so many of us are in it” platform, but… governor?

    • Mama Llama :

      As someone with a large amount of student loan debt, I think I might *prefer* to vote for someone in the same situation.

    • Anonymous :

      My concerns are (1) the IRS debt and (2) that a woman with six-figure student debt was willing to partner with the opposition to gut Georgia’s HOPE scholarship, ensuring that fewer Georgia students get to college, and far fewer graduate without significant debt.

    • This might be a dumb question but how did this even become public? Does this kind of thing have to be disclosed when running for public office? Or did she just admit to it on her own?

      • Anonymous :

        It was revealed in a financial disclosure form. She has since discussed it, recognizing it would be fodder for criticism in the campaign.

  27. Has anyone purchased jewelry from Brilliant Earth? Feedback on quality?

    • Linda from HR :

      Oooh, I’d like to know this too! I keep seeing ads on my FB feed and their engagement rings are intriguing! I’m also curious how the prices are, compared to the big chains like Kay and Jared. I’d like an ethical ring when the time comes, but I don’t want to inadvertently pressure my boyfriend to spend an extra arm and/or leg for it.

      • It’s defintely more expensive than a ring that isn’t recycled gold and canadian diamonds. To me that’s a personal decision between size/price/prefernces/values with no right or wrong answer, but again I absolutely love this ring.

      • My ring is from one of those big chain stores and it’s a conflict-free diamond.

    • Yes! My engagement ring is from there. Love love love it. Still so happy with it several years later.

    • My engagement ring and wedding band are from there. I love both of them, but I wasn’t pleased with the customer service. My (antique) ring arrived with a flaw that had been edited out in the photos on the website; while they did fix it for free, it wasn’t fun to discover that and have to send it across country to get fixed. It would have been one thing if it was an honest mistake, but to edit it out of the pictures felt slimy.

      Then there was a bit of a snafu getting the wedding band where they tried to claim that it wasn’t eligible for return (I got a style I didn’t like at first – again, lived cross-country at the time, so couldn’t try on in person). That took several phone calls from me with me highlighting their obligations in their written, published policy before they did what they were supposed to do.

      All in all, I like the styles and being conflict-free diamonds, but would not recommend unless you can go in person.

    • Late reply so not sure if you will see it, but here goes. My husband purchased an anniversary ring for me– basically an engagement ring for a big anniversary. I love the ring and the Canadian diamond (I live in
      Canada, but liked the style and ease of purchase with BE) the only issue I had, is that the ring is 18 carat yellow gold and very soft, so the bottom of the band scratches easily. A local jeweller I took it to for cleaning said this would happen with any ring, and confirmed that the ring is good quality.

    • Anonymous :

      BE custom designed my engagement ring and my husband and I bought our wedding bands there (by phone / online, not in person). I love my rings, and was very pleased with the customer service. My husband still tells people about his great experience working with the designer, and I had no problems exchanging the first wedding band I bought when I realized I didn’t care for it in person as much as I thought it would. I would definitely shop there again and recommend it often.

  28. Unscripted :

    I recently started a new job that was supposed to be on a very part-time basis, but my workload is such that I am actually working full-time-plus hours. I also don’t have a real manager, and don’t really report to anyone. I’m scheduled to meet with a higher-up to discuss this problem (which isn’t the comp — it’s that I took this job because of the flexibility and reduced hours, and instead I am working nights and weekends). This is a very emotional topic for me, and I tend to negotiate against myself, so if you have any advice/scripts, I would be extreeeeemely grateful. TIA!

    • The onus to set boundaries is on you. Stop working nights and weekends NOW. Work the hours that you agreed to work when you took the job and then GO HOME. DO NOT LOG IN.

      The focus of your meeting should be to let them know that there is substantially more work than can be done in the hours they hired you for, so you are letting them know they should either look at adding another member to the team or let you know what to prioritize.

      • Can I butt in and ask: Isn’t this the case for all jobs? You are hired at 40 hours so if there is more work, why should it be understood that you should be on-call?

    • Anonymous :

      You need to sit down and write down exactly what you want. At the meeting, don’t offer solutions other than what you want. Managers want to make you happy so that you can be a good employee. But if you are being wishy washy with them about your needs – they are not mind readers, so you’re not going to get what you want.

      You: I work too many hours. There is too much work to do in 24 hours that I signed up for.
      Manager: OK, how do you think we can solve this issue?

      You: Well, I currently work on X, Y, and Z. I want to keep working on X. And I like Y and Z too. I really don’t know! What do you think?

      You: I currently work on X, Y, and Z. I can keep doing X in the time I am being paid for. You will have to find another resource for Y and Z. Please give me a transition timeline and in the meantime I will create a guide on how to perform Y and Z for the person taking these over.

      And hold make sure to follow up until the transfer is completed.

  29. Hi there! Are there any fashion blogs for someone with my size/proportions? Love the inspo of all the tiny ladies out there and plus size bloggers, but I’m looking for someone more in the middle?

    5’1″, about 135lbs, 34D top. Typically wearing size 6 or 8 bottoms, size M on top. Petites fit me best… but I have a large chest, small waist, thick thighs and large bottom. I need wide calf boots… I feel like I resort to the same old things (sold colors, dark denim on bottom, wrap dresses, v-neck, look best in structured things, not really flowy stuff, no dolman sleeves, etc) but really would like to find someone to emulate who is more my size/proportions.

    • Root touch up :

      Franish is about a size 8/10 but she’s not petite.

      • Thanks! I stopped following her (I found a lot of her clothes just ‘eh or ill fitting) but will check back in.

    • Have you checked out wardrobe oxygen? She’s a larger size than you but has some of the issues you describe

      She had a real job until recently (I gravitate more toward bloggers who actually work in offices)

      • Oh? What does she do now?

      • Thanks! I am a remote employee most of the time so don’t need as much work wear. Also expecting… so just feeling huge and unfashionable lately. Trying to get inspired to keep eating healthy throughout this pregnancy so I can get motivated to dress cute down the road! I do follow her blog and love it!

    • The woman from Already Pretty has a hourglass shape and is around 5’5′ I think. She wears a lot of dresses/skirts which may appeal to you. Also, check pinterest or celebrity outfits for women about your height. One board I just pulled up had a bunch of pics of Hilary Duff – she’s about your height and has some curves.
      I have a similar height/shape as you (and similar size at that weight) and it can be a little tricky. I’m short but not necessarily petite in bone structure.

      • Thanks! Good to know. Her style is not really in line with what I’d wear… but definitely looks like some good guidelines on her site.

        Exactly! I am petite porportions (arm lengeth, etc). Will look up Hliary Duff! :)

    • Bravissimo and Exclusively Kristen have been life changing for me. I’m a little bigger on all metrics, but share your busty but smaller-waist issues!

  30. Think Tanks :

    Has anyone ever worked for a think tank? Can you share anything about your experience? Do you HAVE to have a master’s degree (it seems most people do)? I’m interested in CFR and will probably just apply but also trying to get a feel for how competitive it will be.

    • I do, but not on the research side— I’m in Comms. Does the application not specify? The researcher positions posted at my org include education requirements.

    • You need a master’s degree to do the grunt work (data cleaning, etc.). If you want to be an actual researcher you need a doctorate.

      • Not always – I worked in policy research and you could become a researcher with a master’s. It does take longer though. I loved that line of work and hope to return. OP, definitely recommend a master’s in public policy, public health, or similar.

      • +1 Think Tanks have a huge chasm between legions of underpaid lower-level staff… and Phd-holding senior experts. Mid-level program manager type positions are scarce. Honestly, not having a MA might make you more appropriately leveled for the junior positions… but then what?

  31. Unsolicited review of new MM lafleur items (which I bought in “extended sizes” but are available in regular sizes)

    April top and Greenpoint skirt in chevron fig. This is a dress look in separates – the top has shaping and elbow length sleeves. The chevron fabric is about the same weight as the regular Greenpoint skirt pointe-type fabric but the chevron texture (which is woven in, not a print) gives it a little more visual weight. The fig color is a sort of faded slightly plum tinted brown and seems like it will be a great neutral for tired-of-black me.

    The Laura top and Cobble Hill 2.0 skirt in navy cotton jacquard are gorgeous. The cotton is a heavier almost tweed textured cotton. I made sort of an embarrassing squealing noise when I put these on. They are gorgeous. The top is a sleeveless belted style, which I will wear with a lighter jacket or a cardigan over. I love the dark navy color.

    I got both in a +3. I wear a size 18W in Talbots seasonal wool skirt. Top size varies. I have found that mm lafleur plus sizes run small. I probably could have worn a +2 in both of the tops but I like the slightly looser drape. The skirts are just about the right size on me. If I’d gone a size down they’d be tight enough to tuck under my rear, which i don’t want in a formal work look.

    As a tall (5’11”, disproportionately long legged) I’m pleased that both of these skirts are long enough on me, which hasn’t been the case with lafleur dresses other than the Masha style, in which I already own both colors available in my size.

    Hope this review helps. My husband said something snarky about the $700 charge on the Visa card and I thought, well, I will probably end up returning it all anyway… but no such luck. I’m keeping it all. :)

  32. Finally Summer :

    Searching for a summery blouse/dress. We have just gone through 6 months of cold weather and I am getting sick of the white/grey/navy/black color theme I have been wearing most of the past 6 months. Bright colors yet biz casual would be awesome! TIA

    • Ouch! That hurts :

      Boden usa is having a sale; I believe today is the last day for 25% discount. Lots of bright colors. Love that I can sort dresses for print vs solids now…

      Have fun.

  33. budget pants, but not too budget? :

    Any recommendations for longer-wearing alternatives to NY&C 7th Ave pants in roughly the same price range?

    I just noticed substantial pilling on a 4-day-old pair, so I want something that’ll last longer than that, but I don’t want to properly “invest” right now because I’m pregnant and may not be wearing this size long-term. My only hard requirements are that they come in tall sizes, and not be ankle pants.

    • I believe Express’ Editor pants come in long lengths and Gap usually has a couple styles too and almost always has a coupon code available. Also, if you have a BR outlet nearby, I’ve had good luck with their long lengths.

  34. What’s your first reaction when you hear this name? It’s top of the list for the daughter in my belly.

    • Anonymous :

      Elegant and classic

    • That if it’s on the top of your list for you and your partner, it’s the perfect name for your daughter.

    • Anonymous :

      I adore it, it’s one of my favourite baby names and it’s a family name. Jane Austen!

    • I love it. It’s my daughter’s middle name.

      When I think of a little girl named Jane, I think of Janie, which is freaking adorable.

    • Timeless, beautiful. Will never be too fusty or too trendy. Also my beloved late grandmother’s name, so I might be biased.

    • I love it. It’s unfortunately a little too close to my own name, or I would have used it for my daughter. I will say that it reminds of Janie, the protagonist from The Face on the Milk Carton, who wished her name could be Tamara Roxanne.

      • Oh wow, I think I read this book in 1990 and I totally remember this. She also tried a bunch of different spellings of Janie.

      • Anonymous :

        That’s totally what I think of too, because I was/am obsessed with the Janie books.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Jane Eyre. Dick and Jane. Jane Austen.

      All good.

      And I love Janie as a nickname for a little girl!

    • I love that name. I think of Jane from Tarzan, honestly. She’s one of my favorite characters!

    • Anonymous :

      Great middle name and I’ve known one super cool Jane and one friend’s crazy ex named Jane.

      I think Jane is a name that works great paired with another name, so as a middle name or with a great middle name – I know a Dylan Jane and I think that’s a great name. Likewise, I feel like Jane could be great paired with a solid middle name.

    • If it’s the top of the list, use it! Personally, I love a classic name, although I don’t love how Jane is associated with “Jane Doe.”

    • Honestly it is a little boring for my tastes. I don’t think it’s a BAD name but it is not a name I would pick as a first name because it is so simple. I love it as a middle name for an edgier or more unique first name. But if you and your partner like it, use it!

  35. KateMiddletown :

    Any Murderino rettes out there? I saw the news about the golden state killer this morning and I haven’t really been productive since.

  36. Vacation Suggestions :

    Reposting as I posted too late yesterday – thank you ER for great recommendations! My husband and I really need a vacation. We have a toddler and live on the West coast (south of Seattle). I am too exhausted to plan anything. Our max flight time is about 4 hours before full on toddler meltdown, so Hawaii is out. Can someone recommend a tour company or something that’s definitely NOT an all-inclusive (so no cruises) but takes most of the thinking out of it in a place with nice views and access to hiking/water activities?

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