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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 210 Comments · by

Splurge Monday: Dalasia Stretch Wool Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Boss Sheath Dress | CorporetteI mentioned some of the crazy sales happening at Nordstrom over the weekend (seriously, I've made 5 orders already), but one of the best sales I've seen is their “extra savings” on Hugo Boss workwear. Take, for example, this classic sheath dress. High neck, hidden zipper, work-appropriate hem, back, and cap sleeves — made from 94% wool and fully lined… it's easy to see how it was originally $595. With the extra savings, it comes all the way down to $223 — amazing. A number of other dresses we've featured recently are also in the sale (including this lovely windowpane dress, down to $148) — it's a great time to dip your toes into the waters of Hugo Boss if you're normally a Banana Republic/Ann Taylor kind of shopper. BOSS ‘Dalasia' Stretch Wool Sheath Dress (The designer clearance is also on at Nordstrom — go for the shoes, ladies! tons of Choo, Miu Miu, Ferragamo, and more in the sale — and I already rounded up some of my other more affordable favorites from the “extra savings” section.) Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Fit on the windowpane dress?

    Does anybody have any of the Hugo Boss dresses and could advise on fit? It says order down. I am a 14/16 with a bust and wondering if the XL would be a safe bet!

    • AN

      I own several Boss dresses including this one. They fit true to size. I am an hourglass and they are my holy grail work dresses, I mean work horses. These dresses are all washable by hand. They are simply incredible…fit, quality, cut…everything.

      • AN

        If it helps, I take size 12 in DVF, 10 in Boss and 8-10 in Lafayette 148. I would say I’m a US size 10.

      • Anonymous

        I’m curious about these dresses. For all of the raves, the reviews are meh to bad, especially for the price. Do people have too-high expectations (and then it’s OMG the dress doesn’t make me breakfast in bed)? I keep meaning to go up in quality and then I read the reviews and stick with my wool pieces from AT and BR.

    • Anonymous

      I am an hourglassy pear, wear a 2 in Jcrew/AT and get a 4-6 in Boss (I think a 4 only once, the others I’ve always needed 6s for the hips and get a lot taken in on top). I think when they say “size down” they mean from designer sizing, because I still have to size up from the more mainstream brands.

  2. Sydney Bristow

    Can anyone recommend a hairstylist in Manhattan (preferably Midtown East) or Queens (anywhere from LIC/Astoria out through Kavkson Heights)? The woman I’ve been going to just moved across the country.

    I’m just looking for someone who can do a nice cut. No special concerns. I might want a colorist someday and it would be nice to stick with the same person or salon, but that isn’t a necessity.

  3. Immunity compromised

    Has anyone successfully boosted her immunity? It seems that any time I am around someone with a cold, I invariably get it too. I get a flu shot, take probiotics, work out, don’t eat much sugar, load up on fruits and veggies but seem to get sick a lot. Any suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      Wash your hands (like to sing happy birthday twice while lathering) often and don’t touch your face. Of less importance: get enough sleep and get enough iron. But seriously: wash your hands.

      • Diana Barry

        +100. Since I stopped touching my face and washing my hands more often (knock on wood) I get sick less often.

      • Anonymous

        +1, sleep does wonders for your immune system, and frequent hand washing always helps. And if washing your hands more often isn’t an option, hand sanitizer is also a good idea.

    • Anon Worker Bee

      Do you get enough sleep? I have a few coworkers who are chronically sleep-deprived and they are constantly sick.

    • Sparrow

      I haven’t tried this myself, but a friend uses essential oils. There is something called On Guard from Doterra, but other brands may have something similar.

      • Anona

        What is with oils, is that the new tupperware-like party/mlm product? I have seen too many people talk about them on the internet recently. They might smell nice, but they’re not going to stop you from getting sick. That is some snake oil.

        • ace

          In a nutshell, yes. Doterra and Essential Living are two of the big MLM companies doing this.

        • DisenchantedinDC

          Yep, basically the new party du jour. I have some oils and I like them, especially diffusing lavender at night, and there might be some low-key health benefits, but it definitely is not curing all the issues in the world.

        • Mpls

          It might be a placebo effect, or the lavender relaxes you enough that you sleep well or something. But the oils themselves are not having an effect on the virus or bacteria making you sick.

          • DisenchantedinDC

            Oh yeah, it’s definitely more of a “lavender is a calming and relaxing scent to me” thing than any magic of lavender oil. Like lighting a candle.

        • Sydney Bristow

          I saw a whole discussion of it on Facebook and someone suggested diffusing oils at work. She wasn’t someone I knew but all I could think of was how awful that could be for a coworker who is sensitive to smells.

          • Anonymous

            Agreed. If you have your own office I could see using a diffuser or scented plugin as long as people with certain scent-sitivities aren’t going to be popping in during the day. But in an open plan office, or an office where people are often coming in to discuss things or hold meetings, it’s not a good idea.

      • Anonymous

        It is fine to promote essential oils as a way to improve household odors or perhaps for aromatherapy uses. But promotion outside of those uses, such as in preventing the flu or in treating cancer or Ebola (seriously, the people who promote these products have done so) is wrong and dangerous.

    • Wildkitten

      I get sick less since I put a hand sanitizer pump at my desk and use it liberally.

    • Anon85

      Make sure you’re getting enough nutrients–I used to be very iron-deficient to the point of severe anemia and was sick all the time. I take supplements, but include iron-rich foods in my diet (including red meat) and now rarely get sick.

      Have you ever gotten blood work done for vitamin deficiencies?

    • Anonymous

      Sleep? When I was perpetually sleep-deprived in college I got sick all the time.

    • VitD

      Consider checking your vitamin D levels and supplementing if necessary. This made a huge difference for me!

      • Batgirl

        Seconding this — I started taking 1000 mgs of vitamin D daily about a year ago and despite many office colds going around, I’ve only gotten sick once since then. I used to get everything that went around. I credit vitamin d!

        • Anonymous

          You may know this, but just in case: Make sure to let your dr know how much you take. Some D can be great, but too make can be harmful because it’s not water soluble.

    • Anonymous

      I stopped taking public transit and started walking. Yes, it’s cold, but I bundle up, it’s a good form of activity, and I didn’t get sick once last winter.

      And I’m obsessive about washing my hands whenever I come inside (to work or home), and before I eat.

      • Anonymous

        When I took the subway, I was less sick in the winter, probably because I was wearing gloves. But getting coughed on –yech.

    • ANP

      Regular chiropractic adjustments have significantly helped our family of 5 (ranging in age from 5 months to 34 years).

      • Anonymous

        whaaaat……?

        You know, this has no effect on the immune system other than reducing stress through a placebo/massage related effect. I do love the placebo effect though and encourage using it often.

        But the idea of putting a 5 month old in the hands of a chiropractor is very unsettling.

        signed…

        A doc who has seen young people come into the ER with strokes after seeing their chiropractor.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Yeah, chiropractic treatments get almost as much side-eye from me as the MLM essential oil people do.

        • ANP

          Well, it’s worked for us (and I’m perfectly willing to embrace a placebo effect if that’s the case!). Our chiro specializes in pregnant women and young children and was a total lifesaver for me during my pregnancy. Our pediatrician is encouraging and our chiro is collaborative (as in, if it’s something she can’t fix she urges us to see a medical doc).

          We actually started going by chance about 2 years ago when our son (who was under 1 at the time) was suffering chronic ear infections — so bad that he was on antibiotics at least once a month if not more often, and was scheduled to have ear tubes inserted. A family friend who’s a retired chiropractor suggested we look into chiropractic care as a way to alleviate his ear issues, which we did b/c we figured the surgery was already scheduled and there was nothing to lose. Fast forward and we ended up cancelling the surgery! It was awesome. And again, I’m OK with it if it’s a placebo — but I do know that my kid is no longer on regular antibiotics for his ears, which is amazing.

          So, yeah — since we started going regularly to a chiropractor roughly two years ago we’ve only had one bout of major illness (i.e. fever/other symptoms that put you out of commission for a period of days). Given that we have three little kids under 6, I’m pretty into those results! And of course it could be for a host of reasons but I really love our chiro. Not to say that there aren’t quacks out there, of course, but she’s been great for us. It really helped to get a recommendation of someone reputable, though.

          • Anonymous

            What does she do to prevent illness, though? I can see how massage/adjustment might help with certain things, but how in the world does it prevent your kid from picking up a virus or getting the flu?

          • Amelia Bedelia

            Some (not all) chiropractors do a lot of work with lympthatics (sp?) that open up drainage and fluid movement and supposedly is great for building up the immune system. I know a lot of people who go to osteopath primary doctors (rather than allopathic primary doctors) for this exact reason. Osteopathic docs are trained in all the allpathic medicine as well as some “whole body” manipulation (i.e., chiropractic) training. It’s an interesting blend of care.

    • padi

      Drink water. Lots of it–like 10-12 cups per day. Tea, coffee, soda, alcohol don’t count as “water”. Our bodies need lots of water every day to flush out all the viruses and bad bacteria we come across everyday.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Water doesn’t flush out bacteria and viruses. There’s also no scientific evidence that we need that much water in a day. You need enough to be hydrated, full stop.

    • Anonymous2

      What’s helped me:

      Wearing gloves on my commute – don’t touch handrails, elevator buttons, doors. Yes, sometimes I feel like Dr. Strangelove, but it works.
      Don’t touch doorknobs in the office, restroom, hallways if at all possible.
      Use lots of Purell, especially after touching doorknobs, handles etc.
      Don’t touch eyes, nose, face, mouth, food, coffee cup etc with dirty hands.
      Use Clorox wipes on phone, keyboard, mouse, office doorknob regularly.
      Reasonable supplementation of Vitamin D, B-complex, calcium and CoQ10. Figure they can’t hurt.
      I don’t get enough sleep – working on that!

  4. Anon

    Can anyone recommend makeup and skincare for acne prone skin that is safe during pregnancy? I tried searching the archives but can’t seem to find any helpful info. TIA!

    • anne-on

      Sounds a bit weird, but the acne patches by Corsx are amazing – they’re basically wound care for pimples and seem to ‘suck out’ all the gross. They’re available on amazon. Is your doctor ok with salicylic acid? I used the neutrogena face wash and stridex pads and it helped enough.

      • Anon

        Unfortunately my OB recommends no salicylic acid :( Are the Corsx patches called Acne Pimple Master Patch? Thank you!

        • anne-on

          Yup, those are them. They’re pretty awesome for the price too.
          Is tea tree oil ok? I’d try that as a spot treatment, and maybe some clay masks. I love the activated charcoal cleanser and kaolin clay masks by Michael Todd – its an American company with all natural vegetarian and vegan ingredients. You also might want to get a face brush, my clarisonic definitely helps keep breakouts at bay.

    • Anon in NYC

      My derm recommended Belli skincare. I couldn’t use it because I have a reaction to chamomile, which is one of the ingredients.

      • Maddie Ross

        I liked the Belli face wash and found the Belli acne treatment to be ok (didn’t seem to hurt; didn’t do a ton to help), but hated the Belli face lotion. It was runny and didn’t seem to moisturize. I ended up using my normal old oil of olay face lotion (the plain jane one without retinoids or anything) and when I had a bad breakout, I spot treated with Mario Badescu drying lotion. It does have salicylic acid in it, but I used sparingly and decided it was a risk I was willing to take.

    • AIMS

      This may be counterintuitive, but the best thing I did for my acne prone skin is to stop using acne targeted products. My skin has never looked better, inc. through all the hormonal changes of pregnancy. Basically, i use everything made for super sensitive skin. Cetaphil or Bioderma Cleansing Water to wash my face/make up off at night, Neutrogena Sensitive Skin (no SPF) or DDF Sensitive Skin moisturizer am/pm, and Bobbi Brown BB Cream as make up.
      I’ve also used Origins and Avene (Sensitive Skin) products with good results. Avene has a whole line and it’s all amazing. If I manage to remember, I like the Avene gentle scrub 1-2/week to exfoliate and/or some kind of clay detox mask once/week (the DDF sulfur one is good, so are the Lierac ones). I’ve heard really nice things about Lush masks (all natural) & have been meaning to try those but haven’t gotten around to it.

        • JJ

          Sometimes. My skin would “glow” when it was clear, but pregnancy also gave me the worst cystic acne breakouts that I had since puberty. It was awful.

          • Maddie Ross

            Yeah, I think it’s all luck and hormones. I have cystic acne terribly when I’m not pregnant/nursing. It was ok while on hormonally BC, but in my normal unmedicated state, it’s terrible.

        • AIMS

          I did this before pregnancy. The routine worked out during pregnancy. It could have been luck, but I really do think that for some skin, less is more.

    • CHS

      I’m a big fan of Belli. I like the cleanser and scrub soooo much that I plan on using them long after I deliver!

    • JEB

      My dermatologist prescribed Finacea when I was pregnant. I broke out terribly almost immediately upon finding out I was expecting. I had big, deep blemishes along with tiny bumps all over. It wasn’t a cure-all, but it helped quite a bit. I think it’s actually a rosacea treatment, but the doctor said she routinely recommends it to pregnant women with acne issues. Maybe ask your doctor about it!

      • Anon

        Thank you a ton for the suggestion but I have already tried Finacea and Clindamycin, neither of which seem to be helping. Did you find any makeup helpful? I am totally overwhelmed by all the ingredients I am supposed to avoid for makeup…

  5. Kilt styling

    Any thoughts on how to wear an old-school below-the-knee kilt for a business-casual office? It’s gotten cold enough that yards of wool would help keep my warm in my freezer of an office.

    • Um

      Are kilts appropriate for the office? I have never seen one except on TV or a a parade.

      • Kilt styling

        At this point, there isn’t a lot that’s not being worn at our office. I’ve seen someone in what looked like a nightie and robe (some sort of satiny fabric, both short). I’m still in sheath dresses but am freezing.

        If I had Doc Martens, I’d wear them with a kilt, but I don’t (not yet!).

          • Kilt styling

            Kilt is Royal Stewart.

            I have a black cashmere turtleneck and other black sweaters. I have black riding, western, and roper boots. Riding boots seem too Preppy Handbook (for 2015 at least). Black Doc Martens would so work with this (are they comfortable? the last time I was in them I had invincible feet and nothing was uncomfortable).

      • Mpls

        Are we talking full on Scottish kilt with yards and yards of fabric (and typically a men’s garment, yes?) – or a pleated wool skirt in plaid (with zippers and waistband and such)?

        • Kilt styling

          I think it’s something sold for women, but it is like the men’s version you describe: yards and yards of fabric that gets pinned with a kilt pin and has leather tabs at the waist. No zipper.

          (OMG: is this sold to clueless tourists and real Scots are secretly laughing? And it’s my own culture I’m appropriating here, apparently quite poorly.)

          Maybe that’s it: a man could rock the kilt so easily.

          • Anon

            The only time even my Scottish friends in the UK wear kilts is to Scottish Events (weddings, dances, etc.) and even then it’s just the men.

          • lt

            Men wear kilts only to formal occasions (or the rugby). Women can wear long tartan skirts but only really wear them if they are going to country dancing. Children (male and female) can both wear the knee length kilt. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an adult woman in a knee-length kilt.

    • Runner 5

      I would wear it with a dark sweater, black tights, and Chelsea boots.

      I’m wearing black tights and Chelsea boots with everything at this point, so YMMV.

  6. Wish I knew the right words

    My mentor and dear friend told me last night his wife of many years is leaving him and they are going to divorce. I’m one of a very small circle he has. For those of you who have been through divorce, what do you wish your friends had (or hadn’t) said to you? Just so sad to see such a wonderful person having to go through this.

    • Anon

      At first, just be there. I don’t remember a thing about what anyone said to me at first. He needs time to process it. Grab lunch, encourage exercise (like get some close friends together to bike or hike), etc.

    • Senior Attorney

      Be there for him, and let him talk about it if he wants/needs to. When I was going through it I really needed to talk about it, and of course most people didn’t want to hear about it. The few that were willing to listen were worth their weight in gold.

      Also, the thing I kept telling myself was “the only way out is through.” You might want to share that with him if and when it seems appropriate.

      • Wish I knew the right words

        Thanks, SA. I really appreciate it. I often use the mantra “you’ve got this” when I’m facing something tough and am worried but that didn’t seem right to share for this situation. Yours is much better.

      • shamlet96

        love that phrase. wish i had had that when i went through a terrible breakup a few years ago, but will file it away for future reference.

  7. stylish and functional gym bags?

    Can anyone recommend some stylish and functional gym bags? I lug a ton of stuff to the gym every morning, so I need something with compartments. I usually bring sneakers, a full change of clothes, makeup, a curling iron, shower supplies, and a lunch.

    I’ve been using my Lo & Sons OMG, but it’s not really suited to the task, and it’s ripping at the seams after a few years of heavy use. Sneakers alone take up half the bag. And it doesn’t hold a lunch plus all the gym stuff, so I end up carrying a purse, too. I feel like a bag lady!

    I’m open to backpacks, too, but I would prefer something that looks sleek, not collegiate, since I’m used to the Lo & Sons.

    Any suggestions would be great. TIA!

  8. Wow

    Looking for shapewear that will REALLY suck in a pooch. I have some Spanx boy shorts that I used to love, but they aren’t constricting enough now, 6 months post partum. Any ideas?

    • Anonymous

      Have you tried doubling up on them? I’ve heard people talk about it (and for things like weddings or to get into a one-time-only outfit), not like for all-day at work or anything.

      • Meg Murry

        Or just replacing them, especially if they were the generic (Target or Red Hot Label/Assets instead of name brand Spanx)? I feel like my cheaper ones only have 2-3 good all day wears in them before they start to be less effective, and even my name brand Spanx only last so many washes and wears before they don’t really do the trick anymore.

        Also, Spanx itself has 3 different levels of “slimming levels” – smooth, shape and sculpt. You may want to go up a level. I wear a brand new pair of the “slim cognito high waisted shorts” for super special occasions, like wearing a bridesmaids dress where I’m going to be photographed a lot – although I’m pretty sure I bought them with coupons at a department store so they weren’t nearly this expensive:

        http://www.spanx.com/shorts/slim-cognito-high-waisted-mid-thigh-short-38-ms2433#1689=8849

  9. quitting!

    I am resigning from my job today because I got a great offer (in-house!!), but I am nervous. Words of encouragement? tips about resigning gracefully? funny resignation stories? tales of how happy you are since you left your firm job for an in house position? just need to be distracted until my meeting this afternoon.

    • Anonymous

      I always practice out loud to myself or a close friend. Helps me keep it cool when I’m facing my boss.

      But seriously, just ask if your supervisor has time to talk. I feel like they always know what’s coming when you shut the door.

      My last boss was mad that I was going to work for a company we’d been partnered with and that they’d “poached her people”. I had reached out to them, but I didn’t mention that.

    • Cb

      Congrats and good luck. A funny story:

      I planned on giving loads of notice because I had a new boss starting / was heading back to school / realised it would be a challenging transition. I asked the exec assistant to set up a meeting with the CEO during a quiet time (between Christmas and New Year). The assistant emailed her and asked her if it was okay to set up a meeting, signalling something was up. CEO followed me into the bathroom and said: ” Are you leaving?” I replied – “Umm…it’s Friday, I leave early for yoga on Friday…”

    • Anonymous

      Firms generally treat people going in-house pretty well, because they want to a potential client contact. At my old firm, people going in-house got goodbye parties and cards wishing them well, and people going to competitor firms sometimes got escorted out the day they gave notice. If you have a partner who has mentored you, that person may take it very hard. The hardest thing about leaving my previous job was seeing a partner that I had worked closely with for many years who had been a mentor and advocate for me turn on me and act like I was the worst person in the world for daring to consider another opportunity.

    • Anon

      Congratulations! Can I ask you how long it took to find this position? And to be a little nosy, can I ask you if you are taking a pay cut to go in-house?

      • quitting!

        Thanks! I’ve been actively looking/networking since May (so about 7 months). I’m in small law in a niche area, so I’m actually getting about a 20% pay raise :)

        As an aside: though I did a ton of networking trying to make a move in house, I actually learned of this opportunity from the company’s website, and applied on my own, and got the job with no connections (it can happen!!)

  10. Wow

    Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

    Do any curly haired ladies use dry shampoo? Can it help revive curls or do you really need to wet your hair in order to get “second day” curls? Any recs for a brand of dry shampoo you like?

    • Cb

      I use the lush powder – it doesn’t perk up the curls but when I brush it through (with a tangle teaser), it gives me nice full waves.

    • MJ

      This seems counterintuitive to me…my curly ringlets are always dry, so making them look better would involve adding moisture, not dry shampoo. But that’s just me.My curls tend to relax on the second day and look slightly frizzy, but also sort of romantic because they are looser and more like waves. I cut the frizz with a little water and a small bit of mousse and rub it on top.

      • CKB

        +1. I sometimes will dampen my hair and add a light conditioner to revive my curls. Oily roots are generally not an issue I have, and as I understand it, that’s what dry shampoo is for?

        I’ve resigned myself to showering & washing my hair every day (half the time wash with conditioner not shampoo) unless I’m camping and living in braids & a wide headband.

        My hair just does not do second day hair.

    • a.k.

      The only thing that really works for me to have second-day curls is to mist my hair all over with water (lightly, but enough that it’s all damp), scrunch, and diffuse for 5 minutes.

      • SFedits

        Completely agree with “a.k.” – but I always have to add more styling product (combo of Deva curl styling creme plus mist gel). Best routine ever and I’ve been dealing with the curls for a LONG time!

        • Lydia

          I agree! I add devo curl styling gel with water for second day curls, and this has been working well.

          In the colder drier weather I have also been adding conditioner to damp hair, as well as styling cream(small amounts). I let my hair become damp in the shower by putting it up in a loose bun. I then add a small amount of conditioner to detangle the damp hair, while combing it out with a wide tooth comb. It seems to dry out in waves, which is nice, (I sometimes add a couple of large curls /waves with a large barrel curling iron when it dries if I want to tweak the waves), and as my hair is very dry, I wash it only every five days. This has worked well so far this winter.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I used a hair serum like Biosilk. Purology has a really nice oil I’m going to purchase when the Biosilk runs out.

  11. Two Cents

    I am looking for a simple tutorial for how to wear my hair back on days that I don’t have time to wash it. Right now I just pull it back in a low ponytail, which is not too exciting. I have fine, curly hair. TIA!

  12. Laura Bristow

    I placed a couple orders at Express and Eddie Bauer on Saturday and now both places have lower Cyber Monday discounts. I know, probably the worst day in the whole holiday/shopping weekend to do it. Anyone have any luck getting customer service at either place give the lower pricing after the fact? (I know there’s a term for this and I can’t remember it…ugh monday). It’s not enough of a discount to go through the hassle of reordering the entire order and return the first, but it’s not nothing, either.

    • lucy stone

      Eddie Bauer is generally great about this, no recent experience with Express. And you’re looking for a price adjustment.

      • Wildkitten

        You can always order them again and return them with the hold receipt. That might be easier than getting a price adjustment at Express – they aren’t as customer service focused as Eddie Bauer.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I will often make two purchases of the same thing and return the higher priced items. Less hassle with customer service.

  13. Weight Comments

    Posted a picture of DH and I tree shopping and SIL comments “Did you gain weight? Your face looks round.” How is this even up for discussion? It’s no one’s business at all. I’m also 115 lbs just recently getting to a healthy weight. I responded along the lines of “Oh, why do you ask?” but really think I should’ve said something else.

    • Anonymous

      As the Frozen song goes, Let It Go.

      Diving into this will do nothing good while making you look bad.

    • CHJ

      I’d delete it and take the extra step of putting her on a limited access list so she can’t see new photos/statuses. I have no patience for rude Facebook behavior.

      • Anon

        This is probably what I would do (and have done with similar comments). My husband has some controversy-prone relatives and I find it is easiest to accept their friend request, remove them from my feed (I do this with anyone who posts negative stuff), and if necessary limit what they can see of my page. I like FB, but I don’t need it dragging negativity into my life – I get enough of that from the real world.

    • Anonymous

      Woah, super rude! Ignoring sounds like a good idea, but I actually think there’s merit in asking her why she’s asking. I mean, if someone said that to me, I’d want to know why they thought that was okay to say. And unfortunately, I’d brace myself for more rude comments over the holidays.

      • AIMS

        I wouldn’t engage. She already said why she was asking (“face looks round”). The question then becomes “why do you feel that’s appropriate to post to me on FB” (never mind to say in general), but I don’t think that’s a productive conversation. If it bothered me enough, I might say something along the lines of “I’m very happy with my weight right now, can we not go there?”

    • Blonde Lawyer

      You say you are 115 pounds, just got to a healthy weight. Do you mean that you were underweight before? While weight should be 100% not open for discussion, I have tried not to get mad at well meaning family and friends who are excited to see that I have gained weight because that means my chronic illness is in remission.

      My grandmother in law comments all the time on every picture how great and healthy I look now that I gained weight. I thought it was rude and passive aggressive at first and then my husband reminded me that when she first met me I was very sick with Crohns disease and underweight. She is truly happy to see that I am healthy again and I really do look better at my normal healthy weight.

      “Your face looks round” sounds rude but when sick, we often show it first in our face just under our cheek bones. If there is any chance your situation is similar to mine you might want to re-frame the reason for the comments and try to see them as the compliment they are meant to be but I know how very hard this is. We are conditioned to think weight gain = bad no matter what.

      If that is the case, you could always say (privately) while I appreciate that you are happy I’m healthy again, I really don’t like discussing my weight/appearance.

      • Basically trash

        That’s sort of what I was thinking. If I’d been struggling with low weight for a while and people were worried about me, I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought “did you gain weight” would be a compliment the way “did you lose weight” is meant to be a compliment to most people – although that comment is also often perceived as inappropriate and back-handed. If this was the case, I’d agree that it may be a good idea to say “I know that came from a good place, but comments about my weight make me feel uncomfortable, so please stop.”

    • bridget

      “Sad thing for you is that no amount of weight loss will make your comment any less ugly.”

  14. TBK

    Does anyone have any advice for learning to let things go? I realize I’ve gotten caught in the perfect employee/mother/wife/friend/boss/dog-owner/everything trap and (1) I can’t be perfect at everything all the time (2) the stress of trying to be perfect has made me worse at all of them (especially the wife part and often the dog-owner part and sometimes the mom part). Mostly I just get really stressed trying to get everything done, feeling guilty for not being able to, and then wind up short-tempered, not having time for my husband, and yelling at the dog and being less patient with the kids than I’d like. We have all the hired help we can afford (not much — monthly cleaning, which is something at least, and the au pair). My husband and I have divided up household stuff in a way we both feel is fair. I still do more, mostly because I feel like a bad person if I don’t, even though I realize it’s not absolutely necessary. But it’s also things like I didn’t have time to empty the dishwasher this morning, which means the au pair will wind up doing it. She says she doesn’t mind, and we never said she was supposed to do it, but I feel bad leaving a dishwasher full of clean dishes and breakfast dishes piled up around the sink (bad boss!). But I was already running late for work (bad employee!) and needed to put the dog out, since I hadn’t gotten up early to walk him (bad dog owner!), and my husband wanted to talk to me but I didn’t feel like I could give him my attention (bad wife!) because I was trying to figure out what to tell the au pair to feed the kids for dinner when I hadn’t realized we were out of vegetables ( bad mom!). Obviously this isn’t helpful for anyone involved. I can’t possibly be the only person at a site for overachievers that deals with this. Anything people have found particularly helpful?

    • Wildkitten

      This might not be helpful but – you need to determine your bare minimum and let the rest go and learn how to be okay with it. Let the au pair empty the dishwasher. Heck, let her let the dog out. And tell your husband not to talk to you in the morning when you are getting ready to get out the door unless it’s an emergency. That is the worst time for conversations.

      • Anon

        +1 to all of this. Let this morning go – nothing you can change about this. Then plan and simplify going forward. I agree with figuring out the bare minimums that need to be done and not stressing the rest. Buy the au pair something small as a “thank you” for helping with things that technically aren’t her job duties (scarf, coffee gift card, or just write her a quick thank you note – just to show you appreciate her extra help). Also, talk to your husband and tell him no communicating in the mornings unless it is an emergency. I don’t have kids and my husband still knows not to call me in the morning while I am trying to get out of the house (he leaves earlier than I do) because I get stressed when I am running late and have a hard time being nice/engaged. Taking 30 minutes to an hour on Sunday nights to get your ducks in a row for the week may help a lot too, even if it is just to figure out meals for the next week, lay out any paperwork or bags for the next day, or identify any major events coming up in the week.

      • TBK

        But that’s the problem — it’s easy to say “let the other things go” but that’s the very thing I’m having trouble with. I just feel guilty and like I’m failing. And it’s not that I failed to walk the dog one morning, but that he really needs 2 daily walks of about 30 min each, but he gets more like one 20 min walk every other day. And it’s not that I’m 5 min late to work once in a month, but that I’m 15 min late every day (no one cares about the time I get to work, per se, but since I have to leave at 5:30 on the dot to get home in time to relieve the au pair, I wind up crunched on getting through the work I should get through in a typical day because it’s all kind of compressed anyway).

        So even if I identify on a day to day basis what the minimum is, and even if that’s enough even if every day is like that, I still have the feeling that I *should* be able to do more, and that’s what I’m struggling with — that feeling.

        • AIMS

          Just keep reminding yourself that you can do it all, but not all at the same time. If you can outsource dog walking once a day, do it. If you can get to work 5 min late instead of 15, count that a victory. And if your kids don’t eat veggies one night, try to remember it’s not the end of the world. And send your husband a nice text for no reason midway through your day. It’ll take 2 seconds and help you feel connected.

        • Diana Barry

          I would push off onto the au pair the dishwasher AND the dog, AND groceries if she will do that for you.

          Does your DH realize the time you need to get out the door in the morning? If not, maybe you could talk with him about that at some slower, non-stressed time like Anon suggested above.

          Also, have you tried moving *your* morning routine earlier? Is the problem that you feel rushed at work, and not so much that you’re not getting everything done at work (it sounds to me like that from the above)? If so, then trying to give yourself that 15 minutes might help your general feeling of over-commitedness.

          NO ONE can do everything. I can’t remember exactly the time that I “gave up” and let myself do only the minimum, but I think it coincided with when our kids were 5, 3, and 1 and I had just fired our old incompetent nanny and I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE. So I had our (new, much better!) nanny start doing things I used to do myself – like grocery shopping and the dishwasher and making the kids dinner and helping the oldest with homework – and things magically got SO MUCH BETTER, just because I wasn’t trying to do everything any more.

          Hugs!!!!

      • MU JD

        Yep, pick your battles. Today, the dog doesn’t get a walk. That’s okay. The kids have canned fruit instead of veggies, no big deal. Heck, my kids ate meals of fish crackers and mac and cheese when things were really crazy, and they are now teenagers who’ve lived to tell about it.

        It’s okay to let things slide. Hang in there, it will get better!

    • Anonymous

      *** Breathe ***

      TiVo and watch an episode of Maury Povich / Dr. Phil / etc. and realize you are already winning b/c you are trying to be good. And it’s a marathon, not a sprint, so do the mandatory things today (feed children) and work on the rest tomorrow (feed children vegetables). And the next day and the next day.

    • CountC

      Taking into account that I am not a spouse or a mother . . . what helped me was really asking myself what is the worst that can happen? What’s the worst that can happen if your kids don’t eat vegetables for one night? They don’t eat vegetables for one night, NBD. What’s the worst that can happen if the dog goes out in the yard instead of being walked? The dog will use the yard and you can take it for a walk another time, NBD. What’s the worst that can happen if you are 5 minutes late to work? At my office, unless this is a regular occurrence, it’s really NBD, and for 5 – 10 minutes no one cares if you are salaried. What’s the worst that happens if you don’t empty the dishwasher? The au pair does it and you throw her an extra bit of $$ in her holiday bonus, NBD.

      The only thing I would say is kind of important in the list of things you set out is making sure you schedule time to talk to your husband. HOWEVER, not talking to him this morning when you wouldn’t ahve been able to give him your full attention isn’t bad wifing. It would have been bad if you had a detached conversation while he wanted your full focused attention. Just make sure he knows that’s why you didn’t want to talk this morning, tell him you want to schedule time to talk so he has your full attention, and then do it.

      Realizing that the world will most definitely not come crashing down if I don’t do the dishes, or I eat Doritos one day instead of vegetables, or I miss the gym and veg for 30 minutes, etc., helped me immensely. I had to do this through therapy, but I think it’s a good exercise to run through in your head when you get stressed about a particular thing.

      • TO Lawyer

        This is really good advice. I have a similar tendency to have these thoughts and then I end up spiraling and feel like a failure for not going to the gym when I’m working 16 hour days.

        My therapist has actually encouraged a similar thought process – i.e. what is the worst that can happen? And it’s really made me realize that the things I think I’m failing on are often very minor, and the worst that will actually happen is not really a bad thing. It is really hard to do everything you’re doing (hell I have a hard time and I don’t have babies or dogs).

        Do you have some time off coming up around the holidays? Maybe it would be a good time to spend a few days at home being quiet and catching up on family time. This is a really stressful time of year and you are probably in one of the most stressful phases of your life – this sounds trite but I think you need to give yourself a break. You are doing awesome.

      • veg

        A bag of frozen peas and frozen corn in the freezer is your friend So easy, taste good. Remember, that some frozen veg have even more active nutrients than “fresh”. Doesn’t have to be fresh every night.

        Time for a sit down with your husband on a Saturday. Say exactly what you said here. Together, think….

        Time for the nanny to start walking the dog once per day, and unloading the dishwasher every day.

        You’re going to break down soon. Time for a few days off?

        • TBK

          Great advice from everyone, but the au pair is not a nanny. By law, she is not permitted to do any work that isn’t related to the kids. So in addition to watching them, she prepares and cleans up after their meals, does their laundry, tidies and does touch-up cleaning on the play room and nursery. But she can’t walk the dog (she also physically couldn’t walk him — he’s 70 lbs and she’s probably 90lbs herself), do the grocery shopping, or do any other housework. She loves the dog so she does let him in and out throughout the day, and she empties the dishwasher whenever she finds it full (including on weekends), plus she’ll take out the trash or do other things that you might do around your own house. But I can’t legally require her to do anything more than she’s already doing, even if I paid her for it and even if she wanted to.

          • Diana Barry

            Yeah, not required, but if she wants to and can, why not let her? You could talk with her once to make sure she realizes that it’s not legally required, that way you’re covered. :)

          • Anonymous

            Can you get a mother’s helper for a few hours here and there to do what the au pair can’t do? I have someone for 3 hours once a week and it is magical. I could probably have someone for an hour a day (or 2 hours every other day). Any middle-schoolers / teens around? They are often eager to make a few dollars.

          • TBK

            As I said, we have all the hired help we can afford. Seriously. We make enough money, but only just enough. A dog walker or a mother’s helper is really not doable.

          • Senior Attorney

            But if you are going this crazy, your current situation is not doable either. Is there someplace you can cut the budget to at least get a dog walker? I feel like that would make a big difference.

          • profmama

            If an adult is home, a mother’s help can be a tween or teen who can play with the kids while you take care of some chores.

            We have a 12 year old who helps sometimes for $10/ hour – so maybe $30 (no lunches out this week or no lattes) to regain some sanity.

    • ITDS

      Does the au pair live in? If so, she is probably serious in her offer to do the dishwasher, as she would rather spend 10 minutes doing that later in the morning than deal with you being stressed out before you leave. Don’t feel like you’re taking advantage. You can do the dishwasher on days that you can, and she can handle the other days.

      • TBK

        Thanks. You’re right. What I’m realizing is what a bad effect my guilt is having on my household, which includes her. I think she honestly doesn’t mind emptying the dishwasher (she finds most American housework to be so much easier than housework back home — we have so many appliances).

        • Senior Attorney

          I absolutely guarantee you that she would mind emptying the dishwasher far, far less than she minds seeing you in a tizzy in the morning.

          • Senior Attorney

            And I’m afraid that came out sounding mean. I meant it to sound encouraging. :)

    • Dulcinea

      I’m dealing with similar issues, and I’m gonna just give you some new age-y jargon that actually might help. You aren’t actually a bad mom/wife/dogowner; that is just “the story you tell yourself.” In other words, “feelings aren’t facts.” Every time you are mentally berating yourself try saying outloud/writing down/ saying in your head: I am experiencing guilt, just as I might experience a cold breeze, but it doesn’t I am actually failing.” Or something like that. Hope that helps.

    • Maddie Ross

      First of all, you say you and your husband have “divided the housework in a way we both think is fair,” but from everything you’re saying it sounds like it’s actually not (and that you don’t perceive it as truly fair, though he might). Can he walk the dog? Or could he take some other item off your plate so that you can walk the dog, if that’s your form of exercise? In my house, the extras for the dog were the first thing to go with a baby and two working parents. He is fed and loved and cared for, but he is otherwise just let out to do business and occasionally walked on the weekends. And you know what, that’s ok. So long as your dog is not the type that gets destructive when not walked, it’s just not the season for him to be top of the list. And seriously, that’s ok.

      • TBK

        He does walk the dog, just on alternate days. And while I feel like any time that we’re not giving the dog all the exercise he needs we’re failing him, my husband feels like something has to give here and if the brunt of it has to fall on someone, it should be on the dog. But I feel guilty because the dog doesn’t have any control over his life whereas we chose to get him and chose to have kids and chose to live where we live, so I feel like if someone has to bear the brunt of there being too much and not enough time, it should be us. And, yes, the dog gets destructive when he’s not walked. He’s a lab mix and when we got him, pre-kids, I was running 6 days a week, and so once he was old enough, he ran with me. But these days I pretty much don’t run and so neither does the dog.

        And really I do think that the household chores are divided fairly. I just feel guilt when things don’t get done and my husband doesn’t. I do the laundry and he does the dress shirts (which I hate because they have to come out of the dryer the second they’re done and get hung up immediately). I did only the darks this weekend and didn’t put them away because we were out having fun family time this weekend. I feel guilty that I didn’t do all my chores. My husband didn’t wash any shirts and doesn’t feel guilty at all.

        • Maddie Ross

          Ok, that was chock full of good info. We also have a lab mix, so I get it. But I really do think that letting go as to him is the better course of valor. I agree with your husband there. I’m not saying give him up, I’m saying understand that he is living a really good life – he’s got a warm home, a full bowl of food and water, people that love him, two little guys who will soon be chasing after him. Figure out what the bare minimum is you can do with him (walking, outdoor time, etc.) and let that be it for awhile. Make it up with a family walk on the weekend. He will be ok. And the laundry will be ok in baskets for a bit. So you know, that’s the same division we have at our house – husband does his no-iron, which I hate to do, and I do the rest. And for what it’s worth, it’s not actually an even divide. At all. I do about 6 loads a week. He does one. Maybe every other week. An even divide is not necessarily a fair divide. And if your husband is not actually doing what needs to be done so it falls to you or makes things harder on you, then it’s really not fair. I’m not saying blame your husband, but if you can’t get the au pair to do it, can’t afford to hire more help, and are driving yourself batty with worry, then honestly he’s your own source to turn to for more help.

        • Diana Barry

          Guilt is non-productive worry. See if you can try to reframe that whenever you feel yourself having guilty thoughts. Is this productive or non-productive? If it is hard to reframe, maybe CBT?

          Also, google express for groceries?

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know what time you or your husband get home or leave for work, but have the kids help with chores. if I remember right they are somewehre between 18 mos and 2. My kid is just 2 and is actualyl starting to get helpful! but before that, she was just a happy participant. she helps empy the dishwasher (I put all her stuff on the floor, and she takes it to her cabinet and drawer, plus i empty the knives out and give her the spooks and forks to put away too while she stands on a chair). She also “sweeps” and we are just starting to fold laundry (she “folds” everything but we are progressing toward actually folding towels). It’s OK if quality kid time is putting away laundry, or “washing dishes” in the sink. Just do it together.

        • Snickety

          I stopped sorting laundry at least 10 years ago. It all goes in together, washed in cold water, except sheets & towels which I do separate. Lower your standards!

          • Walnut

            I’m also in this boat. Besides the ease of not sorting, it makes it easier to toss in a load of laundry here or there rather than waiting for full loads of delicates vs baby vs whites.

          • Runner 5

            +1. I separate out delicates (which inevitably don’t get washed for weeks) but that’s it.

          • lost academic

            +1 million. If something needs a special wash (like a really delicate handwash or a soiled item) it gets separated. My biggest chore is pulling things that don’t go in the dryer (or teaching my husband what they are reliably)

        • Anonymous

          At some point you need to call it. If it matters to you that the dog get walked on your days, get up earlier and walk him. If that’s not a priority, song keep adding to the list and failing to do it.

          • Anonymous

            Weird auto correct sorry. I mean that if you consistently aren’t doing everything on your to do list, you need to either change the time available or change what’s on the list. If you accept that the dog gets an am walk every other day and a pm walk everyday, then there’s no need to feel guilty about the other mornings.

        • N.C. anon

          I don’t have children, but one thing that greatly reduced my anxiety was getting up a little earlier each morning. Since it sounds like you’re currently trying and only sometimes succeeding at doing all the things you want to do in the morning, can you set your alarm 30 minutes earlier? If possible, invite your husband along with you when walking the dog for a little catch-up time with him?

          Not being rushed through my morning routine took so much stress out of the situation. And when possible, make it up to yourself by going to bed just a little earlier.

          Good luck!

          • TBK

            Okay, I know all this is meant well but, um, I have small children. I go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00 most nights. I get up at 5:00 most mornings. So the go to bed early/get up late — not really. Walking the dog with my husband would involve bringing the children, which means wrangling a big double stroller through the living room, out the door, down the big set of cement steps up to our townhouse, and then wrangling toddlers into coats and into the stroller. This is all assuming there’s a time during the day when we’re home and the kids aren’t in bed (hint: the time we’re all awake and in the house is the same 25 min that I’m running around in the morning getting kids breakfast while husband showers and gets downstairs before I run out the door). So, yeah.

          • Runner 5

            If I’m getting up at 5.00 I usually try to get to sleep by 9:00 latest – might that be possible?

          • Anonymous

            Why can’t you and your husband walk the dog while the au pair watches the kids? Isn’t that the point of a live-in au pair?

          • Maddie Ross

            What time do your kids get up? If you’re going for that walk with your husband and dog either before they get up or after they go to bed and the au pair is at home (even if not “on duty”) I personally do not see a problem. She’s there if there’s a disaster, and I’m assuming that even if she’s outside of her work hours, if they house caught fire or something she would still get them out. And is your husband also getting up that early? Even if not at 5 am with you, could you convince him that his getting up earlier would help the entire household out. I’ve had that convo and it was hard, but it’s honestly helped so.so.much.

        • profmama

          Someone said upthread “Even is not necessarily fair.” This comes up a lot in my household. DH is much more organized and has a greater capacity to get certain things done – the kinds of things that have to be scheduled and checked off. I’m better at the day-to-day noticing what needs to be done and filling in the gaps. This means that DH apparently has a longer to do list, while my time gets chewed up with minor ’round the house stuff and kid care.

          Maybe you could pawn off more on-the-list items to your husband?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Someone gave me good advice when I was complaining I was failing everyone too and I don’t even have kids. I didn’t implement it so I can’t say it worked but I’ll still pass it on. Basically, you make a schedule where different things get priority on different days. Then you stick to it.

      So, let’s say Monday the house gets priority, Tuesday work gets priority, Wed the dog gets priority, Thursday the kids get priority, Friday husband gets priority. Each of those days you might let a ball or two drop but the designated ball doesn’t drop on the designated day. You always come home time on Thursdays and the kids get their veggies and you get extra snuggles. The chores don’t get done, the dog doesn’t get walked and you don’t work late. Tuesday, you work late and don’t feel guilty about it. Wednesday the dog definitely gets walked. You get to decide what else gets done that day. Maybe you work late and your husband handles dinner and the kids. Maybe you leave on time and the kids get veggies but the dog gets walked.

      It helps decision paralysis. A flip side to this would be picking one thing for each day that you slack on. Growing up, Friday’s were the day we got to eat take out. Bonus, no dishes.

      • Senior Attorney

        Wow that sounds like great advice. Wish I’d heard it back when I was in the work/marriage/kid/house weeds…

    • Miz Swizz

      I have a bad habit of freaking out in the morning when confronted with things I “should’ve done” and here are my coping strategies.

      1. Figure out what I need to accomplish to get out the door on time every morning and only do those tasks. That means no phone surfing or cleaning as it doesn’t help me leave the house.

      2. Spend 15 extra minutes each night to get ready for the next day. This is where I empty/reload the dishwasher, put away shoes, refill the dog food container, whatever else I think I should’ve done that morning.

      3. Remind myself that I’m not Super/Wonder Woman and that stressing myself out not only doesn’t help to get things done but also stresses my husband and dogs out.

      It’s going to take some time to reframe your thinking and the best thing you can do is figure out what you can let go right now and feel okay about doing it. It’s hard and I still freaked out last week because I was feeling overwhelmed but I find that the freakouts are becoming less frequent.

    • Random Dog Advice

      Have you looked into a dog backpack? You can load it up with water bottles and dried beans. I used one with a high energy dog with good results. The extra weight and effort makes a big difference (like he was as tired after a 20 minutes backpack walk as he was with a 45-60 minute non-backpack walk). We tried to keep the pack weight at 10% of bodyweight.

      • TBK

        Thanks for this reminder. When he was a puppy and 5-6 mile walks were barely enough for him, we got him a backpack with exactly that idea, once he was old enough to carry a load. We still have it but have never really trained him to wear it. It’s a great idea to get it out again and see if it helps. Thanks!

    • Guilt

      Remind yourself constantly that the only way out is through. This is the hardest time – pretty soon your kids will be far more self-sufficient and will want to wake up slowly and watch cartoons in the morning. You’ll have less hands-on time, and more time to prep the kitchen, etc.

      In the meantime, remind yourself that your dog used to to spend the day all alone, and now has two little people in the house that keep him/her company all day long. That makes up for failure to take walks around my house. Walks are more imperative when the dog was alone while we worked long days.

      That – and play out the “worst” case a few times. I also *hate* leaving the kitchen a mess in the morning. We do have a nanny, but we do a nannyshare, so she has fewer household responsibilities. I knew I needed a priority readjustment when my older son was late to school b/c my kitchen *had* to be sparkling before I left. So, I just gave myself a cut-off time in the morning to be out of the kitchen. If it’s not clean at that time, too bad, I still have to walk away (note that it makes me itchy just to type that…). Sometimes I get home and the nanny had time to make the kitchen sparkle, other times, she didn’t, and it’s totally fine. Regardless, I feel far, far better having gotten my older son to school and me to work on time without rushing than I ever did knowing that I left behind a perfectly clean kitchen – but made everyone late/miserable getting out the door in the process. This “de-sensitization” process takes a few weeks, but eventually, you’ll stop noticing.

      • Guilt

        Oh, and if people want to buy your kids things for the holidays, ask for push cars that they can ride. We started an evening walk with the dog and our kids. Or, you could pull both kids in a wagon. Kids get out, dog gets a walk. If your nanny preps their dinner, you could have her put it on the table, and you could run the kids around the block with the dog.

        • TBK

          I had had something like this idea back when it was still light when I got home (no sidewalks near my house, so I don’t like to take the kids out after dark). We’re pushing the kids’ bedtime back to about 7:30/7:45 (from 7:00) now so maybe I can make this work once it’s spring.

    • TBK

      Thanks for all the advice! Definitely lots to think about. And thank you for assuaging some of my dog guilt. I think, knowing myself and what tends to work for me, my best solution is probably to write out three to do lists: A priority (MUST get done — like feeding the children); B priority (should probably get done most weeks); and C priority (will probably never get done but hey if I have a spare moment and really want to do this — like sending out Christmas cards). Then I can feel good about getting all my As done and if I manage some Bs, hey, well done!

      Thanks everyone. Hopefully I’ll be a more pleasant member of the family going forward.

      • Opal

        …and SHARE these to-do lists. Either explicitly or just leave them on the counter for husband and au pair to see. I do not mean this in a passive-aggressive manner (ie: I’m not leaving them out with the unstated expectation DH or AP pitch in), but I learned that my husband could not read my mind about what I thought needed to be done. I was stressing and he wasn’t, and he never understood why. I started making lists for myself, and then he’d catch a glance, have some free time, and then go do X on my list for me because he simply saw it was on my list. He’s also the first one to say “Hey, Crazy, that doesn’t actually need to get done” and cross it off for me.

        • TBK

          That’s brilliant. Yes, my husband also does not understand why I’m all stressed and tells me frequently that he can’t read my mind. And I know that there are things on my “to do ” list that would never, ever occur to him as something that needs to be done. As for the things that do need to be done (e.g., taking out the trash because it’s really, really full), he seriously does not see them. Which baffles me, but I honestly now believe he does not see these things (and is not, as I assumed in the past and therefore triggered a huge fight, thinking “obviously that needs doing but if I just keep not doing it and instead go sit on the couch and read blogs, T will just do it for me and who cares if she’s working while I’m lounging, as long as I get to lounge and read blogs” — classic dual career household fight).

          • profmama

            On this one, we assigned tasks. Husband is ALWAYS in charge of the garbage & recycling – and I just let it go, even if it’s getting full & bothering me. Not my problem.

            Same thing with unloading the dishwasher – his deal, dishes will stack up on the counter until it’s done. It sometimes bugs me to see dishes on the counter, but it’s also a relief to know that it’s not my problem.

        • JJ

          Late reply, but Opal is so right. Once I started sharing lists (or thoughts) of my “must dos” and “maybe will dos” with my husband, the house started running so much smoother. And he is the first person to look at my “must dos” and remind me that (for example), getting floral arrangements for the table for Thanksgiving is a much lower priority than making sure our hot water heater worked… And now husband knows what my priorities are and how to chip in when he has free time.

  15. regp03

    I’ve recently lost a lot of weight and have very few clothes that fit me. I’m also transitioning from being a student to a more professional role. I have always been more comfortable with a very sleek and professional style, but have bought jeans and tops from places like Old Navy and Forever 21 looking to fit in with everyone else more so than to be comfortable in my own style. Given all of the changes in my life right now and a desperate need for things that fit and make me look a wee bit less young (30, but most people guess 25- only good thing about all the acne), I’m trying to build a very basic, but good quality for the price professional capsule wardrobe. I do scientific research and can’t justify spending above the BR, AT, GAP, Express, Limited range because lab coats only offer so much protection. I have broad shoulders and a full-ish bust for my size and a short torso but good overall height (5’8″, size 4 on bottom usually 6 on top). Any one have recommendations for places to shop that I may have overlooked? Or recommendations for v-neck cardigans that won’t lose their shape- I’m willing to splurge on a few of these?

    • CountC

      I am a different body shape than you are, but I have found inexpensive work clothes at Target and H&M. If you are willing to spend a little money to get them tailored, I think some of the options at those places can look pretty sharp. I have TONS of Target cardigans and like them very much for the price point!

    • AIMS

      Uniqlo. Really nice quality basics, reasonable prices, and all very classic so should be good for workplace casual.
      Also, very hit or miss style wise, but try Talbots for some button down shirts, sweaters, etc. Their sales prices tend to be very good.

      • regp03

        Looks like Uniqlo gets a lot of good recommendations around here. I haven’y looked there before, but found a V neck and two cardis in lambswool that fit the rules I have set for my capsule and all for what I expected to pay for one sweater. Thanks for the tip. I hope they fit!

    • Maddie Ross

      I’ve mentioned it before on here, but I am a Uniqlo fan. They have great basics (esp. tops/shirts/sweaters) that are generally in solids and relatively sleek. I’m a fan of these, plus a basic pencil skirt or black pants + jewelry. It’s pretty much my daily outfit.

      • Runner 5

        Seconding your recommendation for the sweaters and tops. And really long-lasting, too.

    • Anona

      You can get nice things at department stores for the same kinds of prices that you’ve mentioned or cheaper, with clearance/sales + the coupon. Lord and Taylor is one of my favorite places to shop.

      • regp03

        I’ve never shopped at Lord and Taylor, but I’ll check it out. Locally we only have JCPenney, Belk, and Kohl’s, but hubby very kindly drives me 2-3 hours a few times a year to the nearest Dillards and Nordstrom. Any brands you love at Lord and Taylor?

  16. Anonymous

    Our office holiday party is this Saturday night, and it runs from 5 PM to midnight, with a seated dinner and dancing afterwards. Thoughts on how long we have to stay? 7 HOURS of holiday party seems like a mistake. Is 30-45 minutes after dessert acceptable?

    • Diana Barry

      Oh, definitely! I usually leave ours right after dessert.

      Also, see if there is a time when dinner will be served – if not until 7:30, then you can show up at 6 or 6:30 and still have lots of the c-tail hour left.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’d wait a bit after dessert until people start getting up to mill about and dancing. If everyone is still seated, your departure is far more obvious. If the dancing has started, no one will even notice.

  17. Jmds

    Looking for job searching advice. I am an NYC big law-ish litigation associate looking to move in house, move to a smaller firm, or convince my firm to allow me to reduce my hours.

    I say big law ish because my firm is smaller, and has no established flex time program, but the hours req’t and salary are at big law par.

    Any advice on where to start and how to make this happen? I am just starting to look. Thanks!

  18. Black tights for the win

    Recs on long-lasting, opaque black tights? Preferably on sale today. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Wolford, 25% off at Bloomingdale’s. I haven’t ordered since last winter and haven’t had a chance to look up my order history so I can order a new pair during the sale, but I believe my favorite style is the matte opaque 80.

  19. Anon4this

    I was invited to the holiday party of the firm I will be working at after my clerkship. (Mid-size firm, around 50 attorneys). Is it bad etiquette to decline the offer? For what it’s worth, there are no conflicts with pending cases, I’m just not wild about spending the money to get a dress and childcare when I don’t (yet) know anyone there well.

    • Maddie Ross

      Definitely ok. Don’t make excuses, just respond to the recruiting person if there is one or another liaison and tell them you’d love to be there, but can’t make it this year. Simple as that.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I disagree. Although it wouldn’t be terrible if you skipped it, you want to make a good impression on your new colleagues.

    • Amelia Bedelia

      I know it isn’t fun, but I would go. At a lot of smaller firms, the “relationships” are valued more and I’m sure this firm sees it as a wonderful opportunity for everyone to get to know you better. I think it is worth the childcare cost for the goodwill it will generate.

  20. Sherpani?

    Has anyone used Sherpani bags? Thoughts on quality? They look beautiful and have good reviews on Amazon, but I’ve never seen any IRL.

    • Snickety

      I have one. It is a cute shoulder bag with a lot of nice design details. It is a very lightweight bag and not quite as structured as I might have hoped. However, I have been using it daily for about 6 months and it’s holding up fine.

    • also have one

      I have one, and while I love the quality, I am not wild about the bag itself–it’s just not the right shape for what I was after (it was an impulse buy years ago). It has some nice features/details that I appreciate like a little key fob clip that you actually put onto your key ring, that buckles into the purse (rather than just a clip); “inside-out” zippers for a little more sleekness & waterproof-ness; contrast interior lining; lots of pockets/organization.

      FWIW, I just bought the e bags dot com Piazza bag with cyber monday discount for $31. I am hopeful that it is my unicorn of bags.

  21. Lou and Grey?

    Anybody have any experience with this brand? stopped in the other day and it seemed like mostly “cozy” things. But how does it fit? How does it wear?

    • VKD

      Lou & Grey is my new favorite thing. Stopped in the Chicago store on a visit, bought my most favorite pair of jeans ever, got home and looked online to learn they are part of Loft and actually somewhat available in my small town Loft store (but not the denim). I had a quick bit of remorse since I paid full price when I never would at Loft (and their sales seem to transfer) but I have gotten tons of wear out of the sweaters I also bought that day. I’ve ordered several things since and been very happy with them. Hope you love it!

      • Jellybean

        Also love! They have a new store near my town and I think everything is adorable! IME it runs very, very large (as you said, things are “cozy”, but I size down 1-2 sizes to get the comfy look without looking like I’m wearing a sack.)

        I’ve been reluctant to buy any sweaters because the prices seem to be higher than they should be for the fabric they use. But they might be good on sale prices as VKD mentioned. I bought the world’s cutest romper there on sale this fall and it ended up getting ridiculously wrinkled the moment I put it on. I returned in-store and they were very gracious and helpful. I had the receipt but the 45 day return window had passed and they gave me store credit for what I paid.

  22. Anonymous

    I am trying to find a leather jacket in pink, nude, or ivory, hopefully one that doesn’t cost a king’s ransom. I have had no luck so far. Does the hive have any suggestions?

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