Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Wool Blend Pinstripe Blouse
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
Nope to this top! The outfit kind of looks like pajamas.
Charleston recommendations. Anyone know of a good massage place?
Also, food recommendations – the restaurants look so good, I’m having a hard time deciding. I would love a seafood place, a southern/low country place, and a great spot for brunch. Thanks!
I like the restaurant Toast for brunch… the bloody Marys are really good there…. I also like Fig and Slightly North of Broad (also known as SNOB) for dinner.
I loved Poogan’s Porch – it would meet your southern/low country criteria pretty well. The biscuits were amazing.
+1
If you want to do what the trendy people are doing and you are scheduling enough in advance, try Husk. Also, second SNOB and Fig, also High Cotton and Magnolias.
Try Peninsula Grill in Charleston.
I had the best meal of my life here. The patio is incredible.
Since there are some good responses here– any good for a solo, weeknight dinner?
I’d go to any of them solo, but then again, I dine solo quite a bit and have no qualms about sitting at a table by myself. I can’t recall off the top of my head which ones have bar areas that would be good for dining though, if you are more comfortable sitting at the bar. It’s been a while. I would assume most of them do though.
High recs for High Cotton for brunch. Hominy Grill has a couple two-tops that would be good for a solo dinner.
What do you all do to simplify? I’m talking about automating things and pseudo outsourcing (things that cost minimal money vs just hiring someone for everything and throwing money at it). Personally all my bills are on auto pay which is nice, never a late payment and I never have to think about it. On the pseudo outsourcing I have a CSA so I get to just pick up veggies once a week which only takes 5 minutes and no thinking (because the convenient location is actually convenient for me). I also have a local grocery store drop off all my pantry staples every other week so no impulse buys and no trips to the grocery store. I also have the same breakfast and lunch most days. I obviously want more ideas so I can make my life as streamlined as I can.
Small house to reduce cleaning and maintenance. No pets. KonMari the whole house so there is less stuff to keep neat and clean. Immediately throw out or recycle everything extra that comes into the house–mail, party favors, school papers that aren’t graded, art projects not interesting enough to display, etc. Keep on top of tidying, laundry, dishes, and cleaning so you don’t have to tackle marathon sessions. Teach kids to help with housework and make them responsible for discrete tasks–dusting baseboards, sweeping kitchen floor, cleaning toilets, etc.
Most importantly, find reliable child care that includes transportation to after-school activities.
I can’t tell if this is mocking the people who go overboard with the KonMari thing– No Pets! Throw out your children’s homework before it’s been graded! — or if it’s actually serious.
I think she is saying she keeps homework that has a grade, but not homework that doesn’t have a grade, not that she throws away homework before it’s been turned in.
+1 The idea that someone would say “no pets” just to keep their house in order is unbelievably sad to me. If you genuinely don’t want an animal, fine, but the idea that you would give up having a pet to have a KonMari’d house is just…kind of insane.
I read it more as “One way I simplify my life is not having pets.”
Not really. Pets can require a lot of cleaning/maintenance. As a non-pet owner, who finds a lot of homes with pets not very …. clean…. to each his own.
I love animals. Absolutely love animals. But I personally do not want the added responsibility and stress of having to clean up after one, take it on walks every day, and figure out what to do with them when I go out of town. My brother in law has 2 dogs and it is a lot of work that I am extremely grateful I don’t have to deal with. I’ll just hang out with his instead. :)
I don’t think it’s that weird that people prioritize cleanliness over having a pet. Sure, they’re cute, but they’re also dirty and smell. It’s a personal preference.
No, seriously, I do all of these things. I throw out school papers that come home with no grade (ungraded practice work) but do keep graded work until the report card comes back in case there is an error on the report card. Then the graded papers get recycled, except for anything really special that we want to keep. I KonMari’d my house, which had the unanticipated benefit of making it easier to put stuff away and reducing the amount of stuff I have to clean. And we would really like a dog, but we have decided that we just don’t have the time and energy to take care of and clean up after one at this point in our lives. KonMari and no pets are completely unrelated, just two different ways to simplify one’s life.
No kids. Just kidding.
I have 18 work outfits, 14 of which I rotate. So every other Monday I wear the same black dress. Every other Tuesday the same navy dress, etc. Then I have 4 more formal (suits) I can swap in if we’re meeting clients. I think of it like a work uniform and I love the brain space it frees up in the morning for remembering things like appointments and taking my lunch to work.
Capsule wardrobe FTW. I make sure every item I purchase can mix with pieces I already own.
I love the capsule wardrobe but am so curious about this straight order rotation. What if you have a meeting every first tuesday of the month – this means you might nearly always be in the same outfit?
If you’re dressing in solids, I’m guessing most people won’t notice what you’re wearing. A statement top with a crazy necklace? Yes people would notice. A navy dress? I doubt anyone will remember or pay enough attention to notice it’s the exact same one. Esp if one week it’s a navy dress and the next it’s a white button down, most people would never notice the pattern unless they are your cube-partner.
Me too. 4 casual Friday, 12 in office, 4 for court. When something wears out I try to remix first with what’s in my closet but not in current rotation. Saves time in the morning and yields more reliable results.
I would love to get out of going to the grocery store. How do you manage it? Are you vegan? It seems like this would be difficult if you eat meat and eggs.
Yep vegan. So the grocery store can drop the beans, lentils, rice, grains, pasta etc. Then I get my nut milks in tetra packs so they’re shelf stable. Plus things like PB, spices, ect that dont need refrigeration. My CSA also does meat and eggs from a local butcher so if you did eat meat you can just add that to your pick up.
*** This also relies very heavily on living in a safe building in a good neighbourhood. I know the old lady across the hall wont steal my grocery delivery. So I’m okay with it sitting outside my door until I get home
my grocery delivery has a pretty wide range of times, from which you can specifically book appointments for drop off. So I can typically find some time where I am at home (Saturday at 11 or so). Unfortunately, they don’t work for produce, since they have picked out terrible, half-rotten items more than once.
Harris Teeter, which is I think just in the mid- and upper south, does online orders with curbside pickup, although I think other stores do this, too. I put in my order through their smartphone app before I even get out of bed on Saturday morning. About midday my husband goes and picks it up. Yes, you go TO the grocery, but stay in your car and then come out and load it into your trunk. So it’s a five minute errand. It costs $100/yr for unlimited shopping trips. Since we do a minimum of one order per week and often a second mid-week order, it costs less than $2/trip. We ultimately save money overall because I plan the week’s food in advance — no impulse items, very little waste — and if they’re out of something that’s on sale, they give you a rain check to buy it when it’s back in stock at the same sale price.
If it’s available where you live, I love Instacart. I use it for whole foods and Costco runs about every other weekend. Delivery works out to $20 or so, depending on how much you order. Husband and I both work more than full time and now that we have a kid, it’s completely worth it to us.
Another real time saver: I meal plan for the week every weekend and only go to the grocery store (or order from Instacart) once a week max.
Instacart +1. It changed my life. As did Munchery.
Most time could probably be save getting takeout, but cooking dinner is my way to unwind. Ideally, I would do this two-hour full prep thing on weekends to have lunches/dinners throughout the week. In reality: Taking 15 minutes after weekend shopping, wash all the produce, pre-chop the veggies, store them for later. I keep minced garlic in a jar, with a dash of salt, olive oil, lemon juice in the freezer. This can be portioned out with a spoon for cooking. Same can be done with grating cheese, making salad dressing ahead.
I make excessive use of my calendar (paper and google). The calendar will have friend’s birthday, two weeks before it will remind me to get a present, and my phone will remind me to give the person a call on their day too. Auto-renewing subscription services can actually be cancelled right when you first get them. If you end up wanting to renew, that will be handled much easier than forgetting to cancel and being stuck another year.
I love that garlic idea – I like cooking with it, but I hate getting it all over my hands. How long does this concoction usually last?
This little gadget totally changed my relationship with garlic: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0046CBC4Q/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
SO FUN and fresher than garlic in a jar or the freezer.
I get a big jar of minced garlic from Costco. I use it in a few months. Expiration date is at least a year. so easy!!
I try to limit any household shopping trips on the weekends – I use Amazon subscribe & save to have most household items (toilet paper, cleaning supplies, pantry items, etc.)
Google Express. Now all the bulky and heavy Costco items just magically appear on my porch.
Food:
– Peapod delivery for basics
– Amazon grocery for dry-good / health food snacks
– home-delivery farm share
Home:
– Boxed.com or Soap.com for cleaning supplies and household goods
– Monthly handy.com cleaning (totally worth $38 for neither of us to ever have to do the “deep clean”)
Only shop from place places with easy, free returns like Amazon.
Recycle mail every night, have dry cleaning picked up and delivered to our condo, have metro fare automatically deposited on my smartrip card every month, eat the same breakfast every day, make four servings of dinner and each bring leftovers for lunch every day, wear mostly dresses instead of separates.
These look like the fanciest pajamas of all time. I am trying to figure out how I’d wear the top – I feel like it would wrinkle/crease if I tucked it in. Maybe with slim black ankle pants on a more casual day?
Pajamas was my first thought too. For the all the occasions where you need to wear a suit to bed…
You do, for “business time” as stated by Flight of the Conchords!
YEAAAAAS
+!
Slim black ankle pant + high heels in a fun color + long pearl necklace or slim black ankle pant + black heels + statement necklace in a fun color and it would be really cute.
Styled so so badly in this pic though
Agreed! I think this could be chic.
Agreed. I like it, just not as styled. It also looks like it doesn’t quite fit the model, which isn’t helping.
This top would look great with a matching pencil skirt. The drawstring on the pants really pulls this outfit into pajama territory. That being said, this year’s red fleece line actually has some work appropriate items. I really like this houndstooth top: http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Jacquard-Houndstooth-Top/SN00027,default,pd.html?dwvar_SN00027_Color=WHIT&contentpos=17&cgid=1900
I have it and I just wear it with a black or navy pencil skirt. I would never wear it with the matching drawstring pants. yeck.
I bought both pieces in the winter sale (this is at least a season old)– the top to wear as suggested with black ankle pants, with or without matching suit jacket, and the pants to wear as “flight pajamas.” I had to send the top back — I’m too broad up top for it. But I’m thrilled with the bottoms for that purpose. They are warm and comfy but don’t look like I DGAF because travel or like I’m going to be hitting the gym right after deplaning. There is a third coordinating jacket piece that dresses this up to cover the fact you are wearing a comfy tee underneath if it is your style.
Well, maybe this is the outfit for those times where you’ve been working 18 hours a day and are barely getting home to sleep or shower and you’ve been eating too much takeout so none of your clothes fit. Office PJs, as it were.
These looks like fancy executive nurse scrubs. Throw on a pearled stethoscope and you’re golden.
Ha, my thought exactly.
Are there any solo practitioner attorneys here? Can anyone recommend some resources for someone considering going solo? I keep seeing lots of “don’t do it, you will go bankrupt!” type of articles, but they seem geared mostly toward new law school graduates. I’m 8 years of out law school with a specific practice area that I would pursue on the plaintiff side in solo practice.
Have you looked at your state bar’s website? I know the Texas state bar has good resources on going solo, including videos on setting up a solo practice. Also Reddit has a /r/lawfirm subreddit as well as the /r/lawyers subreddit that has a lot of solo regulars.
I think the ABA has a lot of resources on this.
Talk to other people who went on their own in your industry.
There are also CLEs on this type of thing. But I think so much of this is practice and geography specific that you really need to work your network to know what you’re in for.
My husband is, and I’m considering it one day (not joining him, but starting my own–we are in very different areas of law). He makes it look so awesome. So I say do it, if you can afford a bit of delay in income (we budgeted 1-3 years of living off my salary, but he is only 8 months in and already exceeding expectations). He likes the book “Solo by Choice” by Carolyn Elefant. She also has a very extensive blog.
The ABA solo see list serv is a great resource- also check out Carolyn Elefant on social media.
That should say solo sez list serv
myshingle.com has helped a lot of people go solo
Ladies, I’ve run into a super annoying insurance situation and I could use advice. After some difficulties, I’m pregnant and almost at the end of my 1st try (yay!) and I thought I had really excellent insurance re: maternity coverage (no copays, etc.). But I’ve recently found out that my insurance will only cover one ultrasound per pregnancy – the 20 week anatomy scan. Due to my previous issues, my doctor did a couple of early scans and the insurance is refusing to pay – the office said that they’ll try to resubmit with an explanation. And on the advice of my doctor, I went ahead with the NT scan this past week, even though there’s a chance it won’t be covered. I am just in disbelief that an insurance company wouldn’t cover routine scans like this (my doctor’s office even told me there was another patient with a history of several ectopic pregnancies and the same insurance company would NOT cover any early u/s for that patient after several appeals!). Does anyone have any experience with this or any advice? I’m a fed so I have lots of choices when open season comes around, but I really thought this plan was a good one…
Look at your benefits summary. It may explain under which circumstances they will cover additional scans. You could also ask your HR department to see if they can help you at all.
See if your doctor can find a justification for why you are high-risk or otherwise need it. Or, switch to BCBS – I think I paid a total of $300 for everything throughout pregnancy and delivery.
I actually have a local BCBS plan!
I am also a fed with local BCBS. I had a 20 week anatomy scan and another “extra” scan at about 35 weeks after baby was measuring small. My insurance covered both scans. Are you sure everything is correct on this? Have you called the BCBS number on your card to ask them? Or have you called the hospital/radiologist to make sure it is coded correctly? Our policies may be different– I paid about a $250 deductible, but that was the only cost I incurred for prenatal care and childbirth. My fed BCBS covered everything else.
I did call the number – I’m only at the beginning, so we’ll see if they cover these early scans and the 12 week NT screening.
This is bizarre, but I have heard of things like this.
One good thing about Obamacare is it set standards that all insurance plans had to follow….. like covering birth control and pregnancy, not having lifetime caps etc… BUT what some of the insurance companies are realizing is there are many, many, many medically reasonable and necessary things that they can just decide to limit and/or not cover. If they have too many of these denied things, they will get themselves into trouble, as word will get out and people will switch out of their plans. But what they are doing is sneaking in a few restrictions for some pricier items that affect smaller groups of people.
But there’s still hope. The doctor may have coded it incorrectly… as a routine scan when it should have been called a ?diagnostic or follow-up scan after an abnormality/issues of concern was found. Sometimes this can be adjusted.
Did the doctor do the scan because there was a true, medical reason that required following? Or was it done more to just “see how things are doing” etc… Because, honestly, sometimes this is done (repeat test for patient reassurance)…. and insurance companies are now cracking down on things that do not have medical evidence of benefit. Just something for all of us to keep in mind….. more testing is not always good/necessary…. or covered. But this is IMPOSSIBLE for us to judge as patients… what is truly needed and what is not. Because that’s why we have doctors… to make these decisions for us.
So I would continue to appeal, and then if it gets denied, you go to their 2nd level appeal. And so forth….. keep appealing. You just be persistent, keep arguing why it is medically necessary, getting doctor’s letters if able. Often I just write these appeals myself, trying to gather as much info as possible (but I have a medical background….). If you appeal enough, you often win in the end.
Meanwhile, you also report the issue to your Benefits office. They often have power with the insurance companies, and sometimes can even reverse these decisions if they disagree. Your agency will likely have a liason/patient advocate at the insurance company specifically to help with disputes like yours that perhaps can talk with you and review what to do to increase your chances of coverage.
Thank you!
Do you have an out of pocket maximum? Even without the extra ultra sounds you would likely hit that anyways with childbirth.
Are you talking about the regular ultra sounds in your doctors office or the special u/s you get at 12 wks, 20 wks, and towards the end? I don’t think my doctor charged for the in-office ones specifically or at least I didn’t have to pay for it. For the ‘special ones’ I initially had a problem b/c the place I was sent to wasn’t covered by my insurance but they basically told me they would work out a different pay with me if I was paying out of pocket and my insurance said they would cover anything above my deductible, as long as the claims were still submitted even if not paid. I ended up finding a different place eventually that was covered so I only paid for one u/s out of pocket but it was at a discount. So besides looking at your insurance and what they must pay for, talk to some different u/s facilities about what they charge if you pay cash.
Also talk to your doctor – mine is the one who figured this all out; insurance company couldn’t even tell me which facilities were in network.
Ugh that sucks! But yeh It’s not unheard of. I had to call to confirm that they would cover the 12-week scan screening for downs syndrome (which they code as “diagnostic testing”) because some insurances do not.
The current designer at BB wants us to all dress like schoolgirls. Last fall’s suiting looked like a Brownie uniform and this year was apparently inspired by parochial school uniforms. Please make it stop.
I think it’s the Zac Posen stuff, which I was super excited for until I realized that what I like about his stuff is cute dresses and I don’t want to wear those to work!
Agree that the suits are terrible. I mean, awesome if you’re going to a 1970’s costume party as Jerry Hall, but not good for people with conservative jobs. However, there are some great dresses:
http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Ponte-Knit-Sheath-Dress/WX00364,default,pd.html?dwvar_WX00364_Color=BLCK&contentpos=3&cgid=0489
http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Stretch-Wool-V-Neck-Dress/SX00073,default,pd.html?dwvar_SX00073_Color=DKGR&contentpos=8&cgid=0489
http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Ponte-Knit-Sheath-Dress/WX00377,default,pd.html?dwvar_WX00377_Color=CHAR&contentpos=27&cgid=0489
Dear experienced runners,
When someone tells you they’re just starting to get into running, particularly if that someone is very short and very overweight, avoid saying things like, “Come do a 5k with me! Don’t worry I’m SUPER super slow, I average a 10 minute mile.” The vast majority of beginners, regardless of size, cannot run 5k without stopping. They certainly do not average 10 minutes/mile. Being heavy and short makes it that much harder. Let’s not make beginners feel like even bigger failures than they already do.
Tx,
The fat chick you probably mock on facebook
PS: On the bright side, after 2 years of cardio and a couple months of running, I finally “ran” (read: slowly jogged) 3 miles without stopping for the first time this week :D It took me 40 minutes but I did it!
Congratulations! That is a huge deal. I wish I could run that far without stopping.
I’m an experienced runner, and beginners are awesome! I remember how hard I found it was to get into running, and I was 16 and thin, so I’d imagine it’s a lot harder for an adult and have serious respect for people who work at it. . Congrats on finishing your 5k!
I wouldn’t be so quick to judge them. It’s easy to forget how hard it is at the beginning to start a new activity so it was probably meant well.
I’m thin but not good at being regularly physically active – I’m always impressed, inspired and motivated by people who make time to be physically active – regardless of their size.
I don’t know. Calling a 10minute mile super slow is a humblebrag, which was really in the wrong place here. I have been fairly consistently running for 5 years now. I do not run a 10minute mile.
OP, congratulations on your success! Super awesome!
I think it all depends on your experience and perspective and how fast you can walk too! Sometimes I feel like my power walking pace is faster than my jogging pace. Back in my high school track days, I ran a 13 minute 2 mile but hardly ever came in higher than 4th place. I was always surrounded by people that ran faster than me and I was the “slow” one on my team. For non track runners, I was fast! Even compared to my field hockey teammates I was fast. But on track team, I was slow. Now as a mid thirties adult, when I get to the point that I can run a 5k without stopping again (happens every other year or so when I get motivated), I’m doing around a 10-11 min mile. Half of me thinks “this is awesome, go you” and the other half of me thinks “holy crap, your time has almost doubled since you were in high school.” I agree that we should all judge each other and ourselves less and just think Yay, I’m out running.
I want to be clear that I am not hating on people who run 10 minute miles. I have run and continue to run my share of them. But when we learned in the last week that a human woman is capable of running 6.1 miles in 29:17.45 or 4:48/mile, 10 minutes/mile is objectively slow. It’s even objectively slow in most local races–women in my area usually win 5ks in 18-19 minutes. It’s just a fact. You can either be furious and discouraged by that, or you can accept that everyone is in their own place, running at their own speed, with their own goals, with whatever physiological capabilities and mental toughness they are able to bring to the table on that given day–and that anyone who voluntarily chooses to spend their free time torturing themselves by running, is doing something awesome.
I’m sorry this happened. It’s yet another example of the problem of putting numbers on subjective judgments–it’s always going to insult someone. If you’re up to it, you could certainly say, “well thanks, 10 min/mile would actually be fast for me!” A kind person will realize their mistake.
For the record, there is NO SHAME in taking a break, whether you’re in a race or just running on your own. It’s also fine to be “slow.” Most adult runners (myself included) do it for the health benefits and not for speed. Keep up the good work!
YES! There is no shame in taking a break. I have a friend that I occasionally run with who will say “next time, let’s try for no breaks”. I want to kick her. Exercise is not a competition (not even in my beloved Crossfit box).
FWIW, I hate running. But this summer I focused on fast, short runs (usually under a mile). And I managed to shave 58 seconds off my 1 mile time between June and August. AND I took a break! GASP.
I suppose I am an experienced runner at this point, but I LOVE and NEED to take breaks when running. I have no desire to pass out because I can’t breathe and it’s not fun for me if I am really in pain or truly uncomfortable!!
Well, for me, exercise IS a competition against myself. Without a goal to strive for, it is mind numbingly boring.
That’s awesome!! Congrats. Your hard work is paying off. :)
I am sorry you’ve had a bad experience with some experienced runners :( I go out of my way to let my running partners set the pace if we are mismatched and I always am happy to walk if they want to. I want people to enjoy running and shaming them or making them feel like a lesser runner is certainly not a good way to do it! My personal experience is that trail runners are much more supportive of ALL types/shapes/speeds of runners than road runners, so YMMV. I don’t touch road races anymore!
I am not intending to diminish your experience, but a friend of mine who is also an experienced runner did that to me not too long ago. She said something about being SO SLOW on a training run at X pace. I was all, uh girl, that is my training pace 90% of the time. People just don’t think before they speak a lot of times, not that it makes it right.
Thanks for this thread! I have been working hard on running a mile without stopping, and I wanted to share my progress with friends but they are all like “now we can sign up for a 5K!” and that’s not really what I want to hear either.
Good for you! You do what’s right for you and ignore all of the BS. I never understood why, when I was in good cardio shape, I couldn’t run. Years later, I found out about exercise induced asthma and it all made sense. The only time I could run without feeling like my lungs were on fire was when I was up north and having a good lung day. Now, my knees are crap.
I have this as well and am still trying to actively educate my yoga instructors on its existence and that it’s the reason why I cannot breathe in and out of my nose alone during a fast paced class.
Hey, congratulations!! You are a runner. 3 miles without stopping is nothing to sneeze at. I am a fairly experienced runner – since high school, so…eep… >50% of my life!! – but it has been on again, off again as other things take priority. (And there was the time I sprained my ankle so badly I was on crutches for two weeks…) So I get what it’s like to begin at the beginning – sometimes less than a mile at a time. And I’m not mocking you on Facebook. I am an equal opportunity mocker. I also mock skinny fast people who take their running too seriously ;)
You are doing AMAZING! You are absolutely a runner. I am not mocking you, at all. I am smiling and remember how much grit and hard work it takes to get to where you are. I remember it well.
I remember when I was getting into running, I went to a movie about running. A guy yelled out in the audience that the movie was for those “trying to qualify for Boston.” I felt so small and like I didn’t deserve to be there. Ten years later, I realize that there are those jerks out there. But really, most runners are happy to have others out on the road and will happily cheer you on.
My best 3 mile time is only just under 45 minutes. Slow runners unite!
Yes! Just got back into running this summer and was thrilled when I finished 3 miles in ~45 min. Viva slow runners!
Why do you assume people who invite you to run with them are mocking you on facebook…?
I’m probably guilty of having said that I’m slow for running a 10 minute mile in a 5k in front of someone who struggles with that pace. My SO runs a marathon in under 3:20. I AM slow, compared to him. Sometimes he invites me to run with him and I just say no thanks, I can’t keep up. He’s not doing it to try to make me feel bad.
There are always going to be people who are faster than you. I don’t think you should be offended by that?
First off, OP, congrats! Getting up to 5k without stopping is such a milestone achievement.
I’ve been trying to think a lot about how to word the rest of my response, because I can tell that you were really upset by that person’s comment, and it never feels good when someone makes a thoughtless comment that feels like it tears down an achievement you worked really hard for. But if you want to keep running and eventually get to a point where you’re signing up for races (whatever pace and ratio of run:walk you plan to complete them at), I would really encourage you to take some time to work on building your confidence in the place where you are, right now, on whatever your journey with running ends up being. Running can be challenging mentally because as much as you tell yourself that comparison is the thief of joy, to run your own race (literally and figuratively), etc., a hierarchy of time and achievement is built into the process. I don’t mean that some times and achievements are intrinsically worth more; for you, the achievement of running 5k without stopping is a huge milestone and deserving of all the celebration in the world. But if you (in the universal sense) are running, it becomes quickly clear that other people are way better at running than you are (unless your name is Usain Bolt or Mo Farah). Sometimes those people are not thoughtful with their words, or remember when they first started out, or maybe they have a totally different trajectory with the sport than you do–I coached for a while, and there are absolutely gifted beginners who can run 5k right out of the gate with minimal or no training, even if they don’t “look like a runner” (whatever that even means). You can either choose to get discouraged every time this disparity gets shoved in your face, you can realize it’s just part of the sport.
I’ve been running a long time, and at this point I’m a slightly better than average recreational runner, usually age-grading around the 65th percentile, maybe 70 on a great day. My boyfriend was a fairly elite D1 college runner in a competitive program (quite a few of his former teammates are professionals and also, Olympians). The summer I was working my a** off in marathon training to try and get under 3:50 (got hurt, dropped out, mega whomp), one of his teammates was whining about how hard his single marathon had been. He ran 20 miles/week for training (should have been 30-40)…and still qualified for Boston. They were all howling with laughter over how slow he’d run at the end, which was exactly the pace I had been killing myself to try and get to. It stung in the moment, but there was no point in my being offended, because they are all just on a completely other level. It does not even really occur to them, on a numbers basis, how slow I run. They do not have the backgrounds or experience to compute it.
It just…is what it is. If you want to keep running, at a certain point you just have no alternative than to make your peace with it, even when the sport shoves your inadequacy in your face at every opportunity. Annnnd apparently I wrote a novel! None of which is meant to detract from the bravery and awesomeness of beginners who are getting out there, doing something that they don’t already know that they can do.
I’m a regular reader, but not the OP, and want to say thank you for your consistently kind and compassionately worded advice
Bolt has actually stated that he has never ran a mile at one time…
Even if you can’t run 5K straight, don’t write off the races. I see plenty of short and overweight people participating in 5Ks, 10Ks and longer races. There is something very motivating and positive about a race and many people (short, tall, slim and not) run/walk.
Yup. I loved Couch to 5k and running a 5k when I first started. Run a 5k with your friend, where you start and finish the same race but don’t run together, and then do brunch afterwards!
I don’t know if this makes me an a$$hole or what, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE when I see people at trail races who do not fit the image of what judgy people think a runner should look like and who are usually kicking my skinny butt! I paced for a while with a woman in a race who was a completely different build than me and she is a beast (in the awesome sauce way)! She was super brave down hills (I am not), she had great footwork on the rocks, and she was clearly very fit. I am sure there are some jerks out there who would have made a snap judgment about her body type and what that meant about her fitness for running, but if you learn anything trail running it is that the trail will humble you REALLY quickly and that people of ALL shapes and sizes are bad ass out there on the trails.
Ha! I do this too but I tend to notice/celebrate it more when it’s older women. I want to cheer when a woman twice my age sails past me. There’s a woman I often see on my morning runs that looks like she’s probably in her 60’s that passes me like I’m walking and I love it. She’s a bad ass and I want to be her.
Yes! There are some seriously fast older “mountain goats” in my area. The most competitive age groups are the 30 – 39 and 40 – 49!
30 – 39 is “older”?!?
Aye yi yi – I am in that age group and guess what, I am older than someone who is 35!
At any rate, the two sentences are referring to different things. The older mountain goats I am referring to are the 60+ crowd. I was making a separate comment that the 30 – 39 and 40 – 49 AGs are the most competitive in my area.
Older is a descriptor. Even a one year old is OLDER than something.
OP, it’s awesome that you run! I hated running throughout childhood and started at age 20 in order to explore and get exercise while studying abroad.
The only runners I internally roll my eyes at are those who only sprint while running downhill.
Congrats! That’s amazing on the 3 miles!
OP, I hear you! Sometimes it’s hard to avoid turning even relatively benign statements into insults about my running (and the comment about 10 min/mile is rough). I wrote a blog post about this a couple of years ago, more about running at my weight than at my slower speed, but in writing it, I definitely gave a lot of thought to what other runners are thinking when they see beginners on the roads.
No brilliant insights; just thought I’d share! I’ve even thought about becoming a running coach specifically to encourage beginners to own their slowness (because that’s how you build endurance the smart way–speed comes later!).
I think you can click my name above to read, but I’ll post the link below too.
http://thewellroundedlife.com/blog/2013/11/02/cait
For those of you with formal dining rooms- does your table have 6 chairs or 8 (or 12)?
We are looking to buy a set of dining room furniture (buffet/hutch/table) second hand and I finally found the perfect one…but it only has 6 chairs (4 regular/2 arm). I had been assuming I needed at least 8.
Our nuclear family is 5 (3 young kids) and I really only see the set being used for dinner parties and holidays when we’d have >8 total guests and would need a kids table anyway.
Fwiw the table I’m looking at could seat 8-10 with the leaves on.
Mine seats 6 – four chairs and a bench. When I have needed more seating for dinner parties, I use a card table or whatever. It’s not been a big deal. If you have leaves to extend, 6 regularly is a good size IMO.
+1 for benches. I’d put the 4 regular chairs along one side of the table and a 4-seater bench along the other side – then you’ll have seating for 10!
For a formal dining room, I really hate benches. It is uncomfortable not having a back or your own seat, you either have to move everyone out to get to your spot or are squished, getting in/out is difficult particularly with a plate and glass in your hand, and it is not accommodating for people of different sizes. Not to mention if you are wearing a skirt or dress, as someone may if you have people at your dining table for holidays.
My bench has a back on it. I haven’t run into any trouble thus far and I volunteer to be one of the bench sitters as the host so as not to inconvenience my guests.
Our table seats 6 regularly, and 8-10 with the leaves. We have the 4 extra matching chairs wrapped up in the storage outside and bring them in when we host holidays etc.
Our table came with six chairs, but I wish we had eight. If 8 fit comfortably around the extended table, definitely go for the extra two chairs!
See, that’s the thing. This is a used set and only comes with 6. Trying to figure out if I should pass on the set, which is otherwise perfect. I have tried a quick search to see if I could just buy 2 more chairs, with no results, but I’d be up for a longer term quest. I’m also OK holding off on the purchase but I’ve been looking for a few lonths and this is the first that’s come close.
Get the set. You’ll rarely need more than 6 chairs and it’s not a big deal if they don’t match for those rare occasions.
I would do the 6 that come with it on the sides and buy two other chairs that don’t match but go with it for the ends.
One idea: Get the set and two parson’s chairs with upholstery or slipcovers. You can use the parson’s chairs as extra seating in another room (e.g., living room) or put them on either side of your china cabinet in the dining room, then pull them up to the dining table as needed.
+1 on the intentionally mismatched but coordinating additional chairs. Parsons’ chairs are good because they are narrow and neutral.
At my house, we have eight chairs at the table normally, but two extras that live in the corners of the room that can be pulled up to the table as needed.
This is the biggest thing in interior decor right now. Matchy-matchy chairs are passe. Do it!
Get the set and then buy different chairs (fancier? or upholstered? ) for the ends of the table.
We have 6. It works for the standard size table (without an extra leaf) which is how we leave it most of the time to maximize floor space. When we extend the table for extra guests, we bring in chairs from the kitchen, which don’t match exactly, but are the same height. We usually put this kids’ booster seats on the kitchen chairs, so the guests get the dining room chairs, but I doubt anyone cares.
same here. Our family is huge. We work with six dining room chairs, plus kitchen chairs, plus computer chairs, stools, sometimes an extra childrens table.
If you want this to be your “forever” table, I’d buy one that can accommodate 8 so that if all 3 kids + spouses are together, no one is stuck in a folding chair.
You could use 5 of the 6 chairs only, and put a bench on one side, if the mismatched/rustic look is your style?
Hrm…great point…but the eldest of my kids is 5, so it may be 30 years before we have this scenario and in all likelihood may find ourselves in a different house. I’m not sure I can plan ahead 30 years but ugh….
But this just means that you need to seat eight which is what you wanted anyway (3 kids + 3 spouses + parents)
We have 6 and would definitely prefer more. I’ve been thinking of getting 2 or more colored chairs to live there permanently, so that we don’t have to move crappy chairs from somewhere else whenever there’s company. The set is dark wood with white padding, so I figure if I get colored chairs, they could sort of serve as accent pieces that obviously don’t match, rather than just looking out of place.
Mine has two benches and two chairs. The benches can seat 2 or 3 comfortably, so it works if I have the leaf in or not. It was the perfect solution for my small house with no place to put extra chairs when the leaf is not in place (it folds underneath).
Ours has 8 chairs (3 on each side and one on each end). We’re a nuclear family of two, but we wanted to be able to host parents, in-laws, SIL and BIL all at one table (and will eventually have a kids table when we have kids or nieces or nephews). Even though it’s just us two most of the time I like how the seating for 8 looks. It makes our formal dining set look grander somehow and I can use it as a big workspace if I’m doing something I need to spread out because our dining table is much larger than my desk. I second the comments that you can get two accent chairs and six matching chairs and that wouldn’t look weird at all.
We also have a nuclear family of 5 (3 kids). Our formal table (family heirloom) has 6 chairs but thankfully a ton of leaves so it expands quite long. We typically have 8-10 around the table – we pull chairs from elsewhere, so it’s not awful they just don’t match. (I highly rec real dinning chairs that stack).
If I were buying, I’d get 8 chairs. However, it’s not so inconvenient to have only 6 chairs because we typically set up the kids at the kitchen table, so we can have two other couples over for 6 chairs which covers most dinners. With extra chairs, we’ve hosted Thanksgiving with 8-10 adults in the dinning room and 4-6 kids in the kitchen.
My table sits 6 regularly, 8 or 10 with leaves. I have a full set of chairs, but I don’t think it’s a big deal if they don’t match. I love upholstered armchairs on the ends that don’t completely match the rest of the chairs.
Yeah, not loving the new direction at Brooks Bros. Plus, the quality has gone down as well which I wish I could say was surprising.
Ugh my comment is in moderation for some unknown reason, but I could really use some advice. My insurance company, which I thought had great maternity coverage, apparently only covers ONE ultrasound per pregnancy – the 20 week scan. I’m working with my OB’s office to appeal, but does anyone have experience with something like this? It seems totally crazy and unfair!!
only 20 week scan used to be standard. Are you over 35? Sometimes companies cover the early scan for advanced maternal age. Can your OB come up with another reason you need an early scan? Family history of twins? Risk factor for something? If you end up paying out of pocket it’s not that expensive.
I had some difficulty in the beginning (history of recurrent pregnancy loss), so my OB recommended a couple of early scans and then the NT screen, which I guess I thought was pretty standard, even though I’m not over 35. My doctor also said she routinely does a scan a 36 weeks to estimate the size of the baby. I guess I am just surprised, given that my coverage is so good otherwise. It’s very stressful to deal with!
Fwiw I had the 36 week scan with my second pregnant but not the first (different OBs, wS under 35 for both) and I asked the ON at length why on earth I needed it. It’s super optional, he just likes it. Essentially it’s a ballpark estimate on babys size (unless you have very serious concerns about delivery this is not super important…it’s also not particularly actuate…my baby was “measured” at the 36w scan and expected to be 7.5lbs at birth and was 9.5; other baby was “no more than 8” and was 9.12…)) and also to double confirm babys position (which they can do by feeling, 90% of the time, and only use the scan if for some reason they can’t get a good feel).
The 12wmscan is the one I’d push for. And make sure you know what it costs ahead of time if you have to pay out of pocket- it was the most expensive of my ultrasounds.
Yeah, the 36 week scan is pretty optional, and you probably won’t have luck getting your insurance to cover that one. It’s notoriously unreliable for estimating the size, anyway.
Even my super-low-intervention midwifery practice does two scans, though (the NT scan and the 20 week anatomy scan). I guess you could skip the NT scan if you did the noninvasive prenatal blood test instead, although the NT does give information about some conditions that are not tested for in the blood test.
Your OB practice will have to appeal for medical necessity, and may need you to sign off on their appeal rights. If the denial is upheld, you are not responsible for payment, because the practice should have verified your benefits prior to scheduling.
Have you been able to talk to someone at your insurance company to determine the rest of what is covered? Probably smart to confirm now so there are no more surprises or battles.
Insurance companies are the worst.
Thanks so much. This is a good idea – are there other specific things that may not be covered? Since this is new territory for me, I’m not even sure what to ask about…
– Rx Formula was the one that surprised us- baby needed it and our ins wouldn’t cover. Luckily it was a nov baby so we switched him to a new plan (DH’s employer vs mine) in Jan that covered it
– Epi pens (for older kids, not pregnancies) & compounded medicines (Rx plan)
-midwives (if that’s your thing)
Thank you – this is really helpful.
Many insurance plans do cover midwives, but they need to be in-network or on a preferred providers list. Probably won’t cover a doula though.
This is based on regular medical not maternity but my docs usually make me sign something that I AM responsible for any charges insurance does not cover. You/they can certainly appeal for medical necessity but I believe at the end, it would be your responsibility if insurance didn’t pay.
It’s true that if you signed a waiver, you are responsible for payment. But the waiver must be specific, stating which procedures they believe your insurance will not cover and how much the fee will be. The practice’s contract with the insurance company states that they will only provide medically necessary services, and that neither the insurance company nor the patient is responsible to pay for unnecessary services.
My insurance only covered one US at 20 weeks. Why do you think you need another one? I’m not trying to be snarky, but I thought was standard for healthy/normal pregnancies.
Many people do an early one at 12 weeks combined with testing for fetal abnormalities. This enables decision making about possible termination based on results at a point prior to many people knowing about the pregnancy. Also gives more time to make decisions on terminating or continuing the pregnancy. E.g. second opinion on fetal viability.
The challenge with the 20 week scan is that if you do decide you need to terminate, there are few options and you may have to go out of state to find a provider and you don’t have much time to make possibly very difficult decisions.
Risks of abnormalities are higher with advanced maternal age which is why first trimester scans are commonly done for women over 35.
It’s not that uncommon. You don’t need lots of ultrasounds in an uncomplicated pregnancy.
Yep. I couldn’t tell you what my insurance covered but my OB only gave me the 20 week scan and then a “quick peek” to estimate size (which was way off anyway) at 36 or 37. They didn’t even try to listen for a heartbeat until 12 weeks.
I’m sorry, I didn’t see your follow-up about your OB’s recommendation. Good luck getting it covered!
This. My OB’s office did one u/s at the first appointment (7-8 weeks) and then the growth ultrasound at 20 weeks. Unless you are high risk or have complications, there isn’t much need to do them from a medical standpoint. If you just want to take peeks at the baby, there are plenty of places that do the 3d/4d imaging and you pay out of pocket.
It’s a high risk pregnancy due to history of recurrent pregnancy loss, so my doctor recommended the scans. I guess I just thought if she recommended them, they’d be covered — this is new territory for me.
It’s usually for a doctor to recommend scans as medically necessary and insurance not to cover. Definitely push the issue with the insurance company.
IIRC, one is usual for <35 uneventful pg. I had a previa with my second and had additional scans to verify that was what was happening and to monitor (had it not moved, I would have had a mandatory c-section had I gone into labor). I think that once US becomes diagnostic, they tend to be covered (but again: best to verify).
I have been interviewing for a new in house job, and have been through several rounds of interviews with a company that sounds like a good opportunity for my background. After my last interview (three weeks ago) they said that the company wanted to bring me in again. Since then, i have followed up with polite emails with no response. Any ideas on other ways to find out what happened?
Judging from how empty my train was this morning, my guess is that everyone is on vacation. Wait until after Labor Day. Sorry!
No advice, just commiseration. My husband is in the same boat after a second in-person interview three weeks ago, and it’s really frustrating. He checked in with them last week. It took them a few days to respond and they basically said a bunch of people are out on vacation, so everything’s on hold, and that they’ll be in touch in a few weeks.
Also, it can take a while depending on how their hiring flow goes. I interviewed a bunch of time for my last position and it took about 2 months before I was finally “in”.
Thanks for the responses- I am trying to stay positive & hopefully get ready for more interviewing after Labor Day.
I’ve been in-house at 2 F50 companies and I can confirm that we often take a long time to schedule interviews due to vacations during the summer. I know it’s frustrating, and your recruiter contact should be better about communication but don’t assume the worst just because you haven’t heard…the whole interview process can often take a few months due to the need to get everyone together to discuss candidates, etc.
I was laid off in May and haven’t found anything yet. There is a one day conference in my industry next month that I am attending. Since I don’t have business cards, thinking of going to Staples and have some made. I know I should have my name, email, phone, but thinking of also including my degree, i.e. Joan Smith, MBA. Should I include? Is there anything else I should include? TIA
When I did this, I included the address of my LinkedIn page. Depending on your industry, you could include the address of your personal webpage and your Twitter handle, etc.
Did you add the LinkedIn page at the bottom of card?
I did! I made sure it was the public link, so you could clearly see my name in it and it wasn’t the long jumble of letters and numbers.
linkedin . com /public / countchocula or however they put it together.
I am in law, so it might vary for other industries, but I honestly find business cards that list degrees make the person look a little… green. Like a student. The card should provide your contact information so that after you meet someone, you two can follow up, but it is not a proxy for a resume.
I’m in law too and honestly I think our industry differs. When you go to a legal industry event and strike up a convo with someone, you know they are a lawyer — so yeah — if their business card then says Jane Smith, JD, it seems like an overkill. For an MBA though, it’s an additional degree that not everyone has bc you don’t HAVE TO have an MBA in order to have a business job and it also isn’t something that comes out in conversation, so for them I think it can make more sense to say it on a business card. I have seen business cards that say Jane Smith, MBA, CFA and I don’t think it seems green — I think it seems experienced.
I also think that listing your MBA is just…weird. I am glad you got it, but most blue-chip MBA program grads don’t go around screaming, “I’M AN MBA!” It’s something on your resume, but putting the letters after your name isn’t really a thing. (I say this as an MBA who has done a lot of recruiting of other MBAs.)
However, a CFA is different, and I regularly see that after people’s names because that is one of the few approved ways a CFA Charterholder is allowed to advertise that they have passed all three levels.
On another note, I hope you find something soon. Best of luck!
I’ll be the voice of dissent. If you are in a science field where your education can range from diploma to BSc to MSc to PhD I think having those letters matter. But if you are in a field like law where there is one standard level of education dont do it
+1 Agree.
It is different in medicine/sciences.
I’m a Canadian lawyer, and I’ll dissent too — if your card says LLB rather than JD, i know you’re not a baby lawyer. (I list my masters degree on my cards, too, because i do a lot of interdisciplinary work where the masters matters more than the law degree).
U of T has been giving out JDs since 2001. I wouldn’t call someone 15 years out a baby lawyer.
Mine has my name, email, phone, and my schools and major places I’ve worked.
If you’re looking at a used car from a respectable brand that is decently priced/well-priced and has been on the lot for more than 70 days, should you be wary or should you try to snap it up and negotiate an even better deal? It’s a 2013 certified pre-owned Subaru Impreza and it seems like it’s priced to sell, but it hasn’t. We’re getting an inspection and taking it from there, but does anyone have any words of caution about buying a used car that’s been sitting there forever? How about negotiating for one?
If it is certified, and you are getting it from a dealer, you are being extra careful doing an inspection. I wouldn’t worry that they are trying to trick you. You can also ask about its accident history.
There are always cars that sit. Those are the ones we buy, and we have never had a problem … always buying not too old cars that are certified. Sometimes it is just the color, which is less popular. Sometimes its because it is on the pricier end of new cars, and doesn’t have all the luxury features that some folks like, or maybe it is the 4 cylinder instead of 6 cylinder etc…
The trade in is where you make your $. Do you have one? Research what the market will pay for your car, and the blue book value.
I’d skip the inspection and try to negotiate a better price. What has worked best for me is to negotiate then walk away. They always have called back with a better deal.
This blog needs to address the moderation issue that sends users’ comments there for no discernible reason and for you-never-know-how-long. Readers have asked for YEARS for you to either change the policy or at least publish the list of offending words so we don’t have to play this guessing game as to how to phrase normal requests. Moderators, please start listening to your loyal readings and find a way to address this problem.
Loyal readers, obviously. We also miss the edit function.
Yup…what’s even more annoying than the impossible to understand moderation regime is why Kat has never been willing to engage in any discussion about it when she knows that comments are integral to the success of this site. The comments basically are the site.
I’m sure Kat is a lovely person, but she can come across as kind of lazy sometimes.
It’s ridiculous to call Kat lazy because you haven’t gotten the response you’re looking for regarding comment moderation.
I actually don’t care about moderation, it’s just an observation which may or may not be true. I’m glad this blog is here, but it doesn’t actually seem like Kat does much to add value. I’m still grateful to her for starting it though.
Yes. This drives me crazy. There are repeated requests for information on the moderation policy that are just completely ignored. If you want to say “we don’t publish a list of bad words so people can’t just substitute X for Y” (which we already do anyway), that’s your prerogative, but own it.
I do miss the edit button, but I understand the technical issues it was causing.
Yeah…especially now that Kat is a blogger, her style picks are often way off; I usually skip the posts and go right to the comments
+1
Thanks for reading guys! Moderation and commenting policies are here and here (URLs below). The list of words and IP addresses in the moderation queue isn’t public because it changes frequently and because certain things are in there because they act as a flag for me about arguments happening — sometimes because trolls use them — sometimes because I’d simply like to know before someone starts a discussion about lube or something on the site. Because of the way the modQ works a word within a word can trigger moderation — I just figured out re the word excELLENt.
https://corporette.com/commenting-policy/
https://corporette.com/moderation-queue/
If people are uncivil or repeatedly rude to other commenters or to the staff of this blog, they lose their privilege to comment unmoderated.
None of this is really up for debate. Compared to other blogs where they make EVERY comment go through moderation, delete comments after they’re made, require outside verification (such as through Disqus) or have removed commenters altogether of late (NPR, ATL), this has always seemed like the best compromise. Thank you for your understanding!
Thanks, Kat – I appreciate you weighing in on the reasoning.
Thanks for your response, Kat!
Kat, just wanted to weigh in to say that I think you do a great job, that I know moderating ANY community is really difficult– and that while I don’t agree with every style pick, I frequently do love your picks and sometimes purchase them. You are not lazy by my evaluation!!
I’m very grateful for this space in a day and age where most places like it require a lot less anonymity from users, and I wanted to thank you.
+1 to everything that Frozen Peach said.
No kidding. Cosign it all and think everyone needs to take a little chill pill. And be nicer. Way nicer.
Ditto.
Thank you guys! I appreciate your support. (Like, really.)
Kat, what has happened to ELLEN? Has she now been moderated out? The site seems to have lost some of its character without her legal insight and humor. Please invite her back! We miss her!
Often I wonder the same thing myself and then she pops back up. I don’t believe Kat was going to moderate her out (based on her summary of the survey) but the survey results did find that lots of people don’t value her contributions. So maybe she’s gone for that reason.
She’s still, amazingly, commenting on every single post, even if she doesn’t show up for days. I delete anything that is directly responding to another reader in a less-than-serious way, or any of the wackier stuff that sounds like it was written by a teenage boy.
I would also add that if you are going to stick to this moderation policy, then you NEED to have one of you monitoring the inbox to approve the posts promptly. Other blogs do that no problem, but here, it has sometimes been hours before my mysteriously moderated posts appear, well after everyone has logged off for the day if it’s an afternoon thread. I honestly find that unacceptable for a website that is driven by comments.
Lol. You pay how much for this website? Chill.
It’s not unreasonable to offer suggestions to help a blogger improve a site that people come to specifically for the comments. These are suggestions that dozens of other readers have agreed with over a period of several years with little to no response from staff. Feel free to disregard any suggestions that you don’t personally agree with!
“you NEED to…” = not a suggestion. Relax.
Ok switching to my phone because two of my other negative comments on this topic were mod then deleted/not published. Ugh.
Kat is doing a great job. Try and be nicer to her.
No. We are the source of her income. It is not inapprop for your “customers” to have opinions of how the business is run. The two policies referenced don’t solve the problem of lengthy mod even for “clean” posts. It’s very discouraging and not customer friendly.
+1. I’d be a lot more charitable if this weren’t her job. I get that she has other priorities and that’s cool. But not doing something well because you don’t prioritize it doesn’t mean you’re doing a good job.
Yeah Kat doesn’t mention this in her policy but she will just not publish some negative comments about the blog even if they are civil. ( one time I tried to mention that the language about “on the off chance” comes off as sarcastic giving that people are always stuck and it just never was published.
I’m really thinking about ordering the J Crew Gemma leopard flat. I don’t live near a store. Can anyone tell me about the quality of J Crew shoes?
Bought these. Love the color. The fabric is sort of shiny and dark–will go well with pants. Haven’t worn them yet because I am travelling.
There have been some comments about the leather Gemmas not wearing well, but the leopard is fabric, so prolly don’t apply.
Overall, JCrew shoes are nice, but not always made to last. They don’t hold up like, say, my SWs do. I rarely buy them full price, although I just splurged for the lucite heel suede pumps because…they come in Size 12. Welcome to my BigFoot world.
What’s on your “pre-vacation” checklist?
Timestamp 9:47 ET
Home:
– Stop mail if necessary
– Make sure all bills are paid/set up to pay
– Put houseplants outside and make sure plants are watered
– Deal with garbage if we’ll miss a pickup
– Use up perishable food
– Make sure pantry is stocked with a few nights of meals for returning
– Be all caught up on laundry
Work:
– Mention to key clients that I’ll be out so that they’re not surprised by an out of office email (I’m in house)
– Get inbox as close to empty as possible
– A few weeks in advance, start timing my output so that ideally I’ll get a bunch of stuff “out” shortly before I depart, then it will be marinating with the business and/or other side while I’m gone
– Write out instructions for the pet sitter
– Do the dishes (I mostly handwash)
– Generally, clean the house and make sure it is tidy before leaving
– Buy snacks, applicable food items and any items pets will need while I am gone
– Check car oil level if driving
– Write up packing list
– Make sure necessary IDs are in purse
– Save relevant emails to flagged folder (hotel reservations, park passes, etc.)
– Set OOO on work email
– Change voicemail messages on work phones
– Give my boss an overview of what’s going on with my workload and what he should expect to arise when I am out
1. Pet sitter. Also take cat to vet for check up if needed.
2. Oil change, tires rotated, etc. as necessary if taking the car.
3. Check availability of coupons for airport parking, groupons for restaurants, wine/beer tastings, etc.
4. Arrange cleaning person schedule. I don’t like the cleaners to come when I’m not going to be home for a while – they left the house unlocked once – but I also don’t like to come back to a dirty home. I like them to come ~2 days before I leave.
5. Take out trash/recycling.
6. Pick up Rx if needed.
7. Send reminders out to everyone I work with 2 weeks, 1 week, and 2 days before leaving. Wrap up as much as possible and delegate what I can’t do yet, if possible.
8. Print out any work documents I might need while away so I don’t have to rely on Citrix if I have to jump on a quick phone call.
9. Pick up mini versions or fill mini bottles of whatever products I’ll need that aren’t likely to be in the hotel, like mousse and sunscreen.
10. Make a packing check list, cut down on how much crap I’m bringing, then actually pack.
11. Double check sunscreen availability.
Wash dishes
Clean out fridge
Empty trash
Water plants
Set thermostats
Open floor drains
Turn off all lights (ymmv based on security)
I recently added “turn off water main” to mine after a friend’s hot water heater rusted out while she was out of town. She came back to a flood in her basement and an incredible water bill. She was lucky she only gone for the weekend.
You don’t have to shut down the water main. There’s a valve for the heater.
I always make sure my house clean, no dishes in the sink, the bed is made and there are clean sheets on the bed. It’s the best feeling to get home from vacation and get into a clean bed.
Roommates do make life a lot easier sometimes – I basically only have to worry about packing + setting up my out of office message and the house runs on its own while I am gone. ;)
I just downloaded “If This Then That.” Tell me some of your favorite recipes!
I like having my phone automatically turn on the ringer sound when I connect to my home wifi, and automatically turn to vibrate when I connect to work wifi.
If you had a hypothetical close friend group text you to tell you she’s going to be taking on a big “secret” work project and to expect to not here from her for days at a time… How would you take that?
It kind of rubs me the wrong way. If our friendship is important you’ll find a couple minutes to answer my occasional text. We went to grad school together and are both working professionals so it’s not like we have never both been busy. But trying to give yourself a blanket out of participating in a friendship feels lazy and like somebody who doesn’t actually want to make the friendship effort.
What does your friend do? When I was in Biglaw, it could definitely be weeks in between friend contact. A “quick text” to you means a major mindset switch if you’re in the middle of intense trial prep / deal negotiations / emails flying around etc. I wouldn’t have called it a “secret” project because that seems kind of ridiculous, but can understand the effect.
9:58
I don’t want to out myself, but we have the same professional job in the same field so it’s not like I’m an engineer and she’s a lawyer or something. And I have busy days where I don’t look at my phone or times when I work events, but I’ll still take a few minutes to catch up on messages/email.
Maybe it’s just realigning where our friendship level is at.
I think the opposite – this is actually an endorsement of your friendship not a condemnation of it. I would send this text to very close friends because I’d figure they would be concerned if I didn’t respond right away. I wouldn’t worry about contacting more distant friends because I’d figure they’d be ok not hearing from me for a while.
+1
Well, I think it depends what your friend does. Is it possible she’s going off the grid and won’t be able to answer texts for that reason? I also don’t think it’s that weird for a friend to say “hey I have this super busy period coming up, I’ll be slow to answer texts for a while” but I’m thinking of something like a trial that usually lasts less than a month and often only a week or two. Saying she’s going to be slow answering texts for say, a year, is kind of weird, unless she’ll frequently be in a place without cell phone/internet access.
I find your question really confusing. Your friend is going to be crazy busy at work and was courteous enough to give you a heads-up rather than just dropping off the grid. If you’re good enough friends to text nearly every day, then it seems like you should be good enough friends for you to be understanding that she’s going to have some periods of unavailability.
+1
OP, you sound like you are in Junior High School.
I would be very annoyed if friends interrupted my work day with unimportant texts.
+1 Yeah, framing it as a “super secret project” is a bit of an obnoxious humble-brag or just crappy OPSEC, depending on your field.
However, if you’re clingy enough to demand instantaneous responses to texts, giving you a heads up regarding a busy period was probably intended to *prevent* you form throwing a fit and cutting her out…
I’m sure you have a lot of friends with that attitude.
I’d trust my close friend, chill, and hear from her when she can talk. Sheesh girl! She’s not a lazy friend she just has a job.
I’d take it as someone bragging about their work more than trying to get out of friendship duty.
I’d respond- “Congratulations. Let me know when you finish and you can tell me all about it over drinks!” or something to that effect.
I would echo one of Senior Attorney’s life rules here – assume good intentions. Is it possible that she’s just going to be really overwhelmed and she’s trying to sort things out in advance? I know when I’m busy, I get frustrated at my friends’ messages, especially in group texts. It’s not their fault and normally I love hearing from them but when I’m stressed and overwhelmed at work, it just feels like I can’t take on anything else.
Ummmm, what? I think it was quite considerate for her to tell you she would be MIA for a few days at a time in advance for several reasons. First, so you didn’t get frustrated or mad at her if she didn’t respond (setting expectations). Second, so you didn’t worry unnecessarily if you didn’t hear from her.
I think you are overreacting here. My best girlfriends and I can go days without texting each other and it’s NBD. Hell, the guy I am semi-dating can not text me for a couple days and it’s NBD. We all have lives and they get busy and sometimes we just don’t feel like participating in mostly meaningless chatter on texts. Honestly, this makes you sound pretty needy as a friend. She doesn’t owe you a daily text, she is not your child who needs to check in that she is alive on a daily basis.
Yup.
+1. I think this is very courteous, actually. She’s just giving you a heads up so you won’t be upset if she doesn’t get back to you right away.
I have plenty of friends I wouldn’t blink twice from not hearing from them for a week or two, especially since most of us live in different cities (I moved to a different country after school, still the same time zone)
It almost seems more like she wanted the attention of not being around but not being able to say why. Why is maybe why it rubbed me the wrong way. It’s not that I care if she “checks in” (nor do either of us check in with our mothers on a daily basis, so….), but then why bother to highlight the fact that you’re not going to be available?
Do you just want to hate her? Go right ahead but she isn’t doing anything wrong.
Yes, it seems like you just want an excuse to be annoyed with her. If you think she is attention seeking by announcing it this way, just ignore the plea for attention. This really is NBD.
Ageed
I would take that as my hypothetical friend has a secret work project she can’t tell me more about, and is being an adult and letting us know in advance that she will be more absent than usual. Addressing it head on, to me, is quite mature of her. I might also ask for more information about the duration – is this for months? or just short term? This would allow me and hypothetical friend set expectations clearly.
Aee there other underlying issues with said friend that makes you react so strongly? Does she have a habit of ghosting or something?
In my last job, there were periods where the work was so highly guarded and confidential, that we were required to leave our phone in lockers outside the conference rooms and work stations. It was very occasional when that happened, but during those times, I would seriously be there for 18 straight hours, without access to my phone/personal email.
Quite honestly, I would really appreciate a text like this from a friend. We all go through crazy periods at work, and it’s nice to know that a friend is slow to respond because of work, not just because they think the friendship is cooling off. That might just be my social anxiety talking but to me this kind of text reassures me that the friend really cares about me and doesn’t want me to be hurt by her slow responses/lack of ability to hang out, so I think it’s actually a very kind thing to do.
I think this is nbd. I’d rather hear from a friend before a busy period then not and if she’s anything like me, it can get pretty overwhelming to “catch up” on all your correspondence after just one really busy day at work (especially if it’s non-urgent and you’re just looking for a response to a “what’s up” text – that seems like it can wait). I have a friend who completely cut another friend out of her life after the friend offered to have a catch-up phone call in a week (rather than instantly as my friend was looking for) – I assume you want to avoid a situation like that.
I mean, I guess if she’s in the CIA it’s possible that she might not be able to return personal texts for days at a time. But do CIA operatives usually go around telling people they have “big, secret work projects”?
I had a college acquaintance who went to work for the CIA (as an analyst, not doing field work) and she was super obnoxious about it. She announced to everyone “I’m going to work for the ‘State Department’…wink, wink, nudge nudge, cough NOT REALLY….I do top secret work I can’t tell anyone about.” And then she would say things all the time like “I can’t tell you what I do for a living….but I’m basically Sydney Bristow.” Yeah, because sitting at a desk all day writing reports is totally similar to the life of a TV show spy. And according to facebook, she’s still bragging a lot about top secret work projects.
So, to answer your question…maybe. But I assume the actual field operatives have more discretion.
I think this is true. I used to work there and I did find people particularly obnoxious about it. There are cool aspects of the job, but really it’s a job like any other. A lot less glamorous than people in my life seem to think it is.
I feel kind of silly about posting this, but I had a situation with my bf this morning where I don’t know how to objectively look at it. (we are 25, dating for 3 years, living together for 1). Our apartment very aggressively tows cars if they aren’t parked in the resident area (versus the retail) and yesterday our car (we only have 1) was towed but we didn’t realize until this morning because yesterday, my bf parked it in the retail section, and forgot about it. I was going to take it to work this morning and that’s how we learned it was towed (this happened to me once before, when I made a similar mistake). Basically when he came back up from the garage, he was really upset, yelled/hit the wall a couple times/stomped the ground(?) not at me, but at himself, for forgetting the car and getting it towed, he seemed mostly upset over how much money it was (we have tight budgets, sort of).
I got really upset really quickly at his outburst, told him he was scaring me, and just left to go to the bus stop to go to work because it set me off? I grew up with a mom who would yell when she was upset, and the same kind of feelings I had growing up flooded back. I tried texting him later about how I found it unacceptable for him to act like that in front of me, but his apologies were “I’m sorry I did that in front of you” and “I’m sorry I scared you”.
I guess I’m wondering, is this just something that happens? I know when I get upset I tend to curl up and cry, is he entitled to his own way of showing “extreme” emotion (his word, my word would be violent), and he just shouldn’t do it in front of me? To date this is the first time it has ever been this ‘extreme’
Men can be trying, but necessary for procreation. I would use that as the yard stick for determining whether he is worth the grief.
I would also have been upset, and would have told him I find it unacceptable. Which you did. And then he apologized! Which I think is a pretty good resolution.
He apologized, but his words were clear (and smart, but telling, IMO): he is sorry for how his actions impacted you and made you feel. He did not apologize for the actions or say he wouldn’t do it again. So, you need to basically expect that this is how he may at times react to things. And, then you need to decide if that is a deal breaker for you, or not.
I feel like he implicitly promised not to do it again in front of the OP. She needs to clarify that and decide whether it is enough for her.
I am not in a relationship right now, and not looking to be in one, but…
Your relationship advice rocks.
How is that a bad thing?
I interpreted his response as apologizing for acting that way in front of OP, and even if he didn’t explicitly promise not to act that way in front of her again, I think it’s fair to give him the benefit of the doubt and presume that he now knows OP doesn’t like him to act that aggressively and won’t do it in front of her again.
If BF gets upset and reacts like that outside of OP’s presence … where’s the problem? If a tree falls in the forest …
If he sometimes gets this upset and acts that way, but he
This I think. See how he is tonight. Genuinely contrite? Or does he make your being upset/scared into a flaw in you?
Yelling and hitting a wall are a little different IMO. I grew up in a family of yellers and have yelled and been yelled at by every BF I’ve ever had, so yelling is just part of life for me and I would not call it an extreme emotion. Honestly, I was shocked when I read a thread here a while back and realized there are many people that go through life without yelling and never yell at their partners. I can’t imagine not screaming at my husband occasionally when he p!sses me off. Hitting a wall is definitely an extreme way of showing emotion and not something I’ve done or seen BFs do, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it violent. If it upsets you, he should agree not to do it in front of you though, and if it happens again after he’s agreed not to do it in front of you it’s a problem.
My husband and I both grew up in no yelling families and we try really hard to not yell at or around each other. Wall punching would terrify me and I would consider it violent. I’d be more afraid over the fact that the person I’m watching is not in control of their emotions at that time. Also, if he’s that mad at himself, how mad would he be at me if I forgot to move the car.
The flip side is I don’t necessarily think my upbringing was better. There is a downside to repressing your emotions.
Some people show extreme emotions. I do. I would never be violent toward any living being, but sometimes for my own sanity I need to blow off some steam. That said, very few things set me off to that level, and an unforseen expense that would strain the budget probably wouldn’t be one of them. I don’t think it’s necessarily a terrible thing, although I understand why it brings up issues for you. So I think it can be something that just happens, provided it’s not directed at you or anyone else, and people have different ways of expressing emotions. That also doesn’t mean you have to just sit back and be okay with it. I have a loved one who has similar reactions to you to my outbursts, so I just don’t do it around that person. He apologized, which as someone else mentioned is a great solution :)
if it’s a one time occurrence and maybe there were other factors that caused him to be stressed and lose control and throw a temper tantrum, i wouldn’t worry about it too much. if there are continued patterns of these kinds of violent outburst for mistakes, i’d advise anger management for him.
he already apologized to you. i think you both need to take a deep breath and remove emotions from this for a moment and think through it – explain to him why violent outbursts bother you so much? and if you were in his shoes, is it fair for your partner to ask you to control your negative emotions and responses all the time in front of them?
slightly on a tangent, i find it strange we give women so many passes on emotional outbursts but not men; it should either be we all (adult men and women) should be able to never express any negative emotions to their partners, or both should be able to express emotions and then own up to bad behavior.
I’m not a wall hitter, but I would have been super-angry at myself for getting my car towed and having to pay. My feelings are my feelings.
If your BF says “sorry I did that in front of you,” how is that not an apology? You don’t want to see that. He’s sorry you saw that. He’s offering to edit for you.
If your feeling is that his feelings are bad, then perhaps that is a dealbreaker. But I see his caring.
I would have been absolutely furious at myself. Having a car towed is such a crappy thing, and I would have been extra upset at myself if it impacted my partner. I’m not a wall hitter, but I am certainly a swear-er and reformed yell-er.
I grew up in a yelling family and my husband did not – it’s definitely been a factor in our arguments. I’ve been the one who’s had to learn that if I raise my voice, my husband will shut down and any resolution to the argument is delayed. I felt super judged, too, when I first realized this, but ultimately I’ve been better at expressing my emotions in a way that works for both of us.
All this to say – I’d bring it up again at a calmer time, tell him how you felt, and how your family background impacted that. How he responds will be really important.
Thank you everyone for the insights. I’m planning to discuss what happened later today in a more calm setting and I definitely have some more reflecting to do. I really appreciate everyone who took time to respond.
This totally resonates with me. In my family, when we get upset we get sad. In my SO’s family, when they get upset they get angry. When SO is upset at himself or someone else or circumstances or whatever, he gets angry and it feels like an absolute crisis to me because it’s not part of my day-to-day emotional range. He never punched walls, but he used to yell and slam things around so hard he’d break them. I’d get freaked out and tell him to leave the apartment. When he came back he would regret his reaction and apologize. I told him that having that reaction around me felt exactly the same to me as if he were having that reaction towards me and that it made me feel unsafe around him. I also told him that I was weary of having children together, because I would hate our children to feel the same way I feel. He’s improved a lot. He still gets angry and raises his voice when he’s upset, but he doesn’t slam things around and calms down much more quickly.
I hope this comment isn’t misconstrued, but I find it interesting how different people’s personal expressions are when they’re upset. I’m definitely a “sad” upset person. When something goes wrong for me, that feeling of discouragement totally zaps me and I don’t even have the energy to get angry if I tried. Being angry is super high energy. I am more likely to just crawl back into bed.
I have a rule in my relationships: no acts of violence toward ANYTHING in my presence. No wall punching, no box kicking, no throwing, nothing. It always feels to me like punching the wall means “you’re next.” That said, I do completely understand the need to blow off steam, physically. But close the bedroom door and scream into a pillow, or go for a nauseatingly tough work out, don’t punch a wall while yelling at/near your SO.
Everyone screws up sometimes, but violence as a response to anger sets off all my alarm bells. Your safety comes first.
I agree.
My SO kicked a dent in his car when it wouldn’t start. I wasn’t there, so I laughed at him because denting his car only harms him and doesn’t make the car start. Had I been there though, I would’ve found it upsetting to see that kind of display of violence.
OP I’ll just generally echo what people are saying — it’s good that he apologized, but I would still be wary and make it clear that it’s not cool for him to act that way in front of you.
So, I think he had a great apology (I would have been ticked if it were some B*S like “sorry you feel that way” which is not a real apology – he owned up to his actions and apologized for them.
I do agree, however, that there is a difference between hitting and yelling, but I know some people don’t feel that way. I didn’t grow up in a family of yellers and would occasionally yell in past relationships, which I hated. It would honestly erode me and how I knew the relationship wasn’t right. I once had a bf who would not only yell but hit the wall and punch pillows watching sports(!) and that was not ok with me, but he said he was a New Yorker and didn’t see how I thought that was “violent.” My SO is not a yeller or a hitter (of people or things) and it has been wonderful and always peaceful, even when we disagree about things.
I think his apologies were spot on, real apologies. So full credit to him for that.
If this is the first time something like that has happened, I think it’s reasonable to discuss it, make it clear that this kind of behavior is not ever going to be okay in your presence, and see whether he is willing to abide by that boundary. That would be an okay compromise for me.
On the other hand, you’re also perfectly entitled to decide that you’re not willing to be in a relationship with somebody who would act that way, whether in front of you or not. That’s the “dealbreaker vs. price of admission” analysis.
My husband has a range of reactions when he gets mad. I’ve heard him slam on his desk if he gets mad (internet connection drops for the third time while he’s trying to do something) but I can’t say I’ve ever seen it. I’ve also never worried that he would lay a hand on me. I come from a home where my mom would get mad and sometimes break things so I understand your feelings but I also think that if this sort of reaction is a rare occurrence, it’s not a big deal. I also think that if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, he’s not going to apologize for more than upsetting you. In his mind, he’s sorry that he scared you, not that he reacted in a way he thinks was reasonable.
Let me be very clear, I’m not saying you’re wrong to be upset. I just don’t see this as a red flag unless it becomes more common.
Along with everyone else, I think his apologies were real. I would just discuss it with him (in person – not over text!) to explain why it upset you so much. I know exactly the feeling your talking about and my DH has learned that I don’t “respond” to yelling. I just completely get scared (because of my mom having a short temper growing up) and shut down. This could just be a learning experience in your relationship. I do agree that hitting something does take things to another level, but this could just be a one-off event rather than a deal-breaker.
What do you ladies budget each year for vacations? Is that for one big trip, many long weekends, etc.?
$15-20k. It’s a lot, especially given our incomes (~$150k combined in a LCOL area), but travel is our main area of discretionary spending (I probably spend <$500 a year on clothes, and we drive old cars). It's usually one big trip of about $8-10k, a smaller vacation of about $3-5k and several (4-6) weekend getaways throughout the year. We're just ending the stage of life when all our friends are getting married, so I'm hoping we can keep it <$15k now that we don't have to fly to several weddings each year.
All my available money? Usually 2k on long weekends and 4K on a bigger trip, but as I have it not a set budget.
I don’t have one yet–so far I’ve done everything by cashflowing it and paying in full for each piece of the vacation as I plan it over the course of a couple months (or all at once, for a weekend getaway). Probably not the most saavy way to do it, but that’s my general thought process for right now. I’ll probably want to come up with a yearly budget, but I also think that trips are so essential to my sanity that I would be reluctant to put a hard cap on it. As long as I can afford a trip, I’m likely to jump on it.
I guess I should have phrased me question- how much do you spend each year? Regardless of whether budgeted for or not.
In that case, this year it was about $3k – $2.5k for a longer trip ($500 which was a hospital bill, unfortunately) and I’ve only had 1 weekend getaway ($500 all in). I think in the coming year I’ll do a lot of little weekends and not a larger trip again.
~$500/year. We have three kids in daycare, so we don’t have much fun money. Mainly we camp, ‘staycation,’ visit family/friends, or do long weekends.
This is why budgeting can be difficult for me. What is reasonable for where you want to go? You can’t budget $1500 for a Hawaii vacation for 2; it’s not going to happen. I tend to look at how much things I want to do cost, shop around for the best deals, and then decide if I have the money and want to spend money on it, rather than say, this year I have x amount and that’s it.
Budgeted: $300/month into a dedicated travel savings account, so $3600/year
Actual: Probably $4500/year, with $2-3000 going to one big trip and a couple of $500 weekends and quarterly short haul R/T flights to see my dad who lives in another state.
I like the material and pin stripe, but this top looks unflattering even on the model
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/shoes/flats/gemma-leopard-flats/E0227?mode=edit&color_name=DUSTY%20CEDAR&N=6%20MEDIUM&NUM_ITEMS=1&cartIndex=0
Opps! Meant to post this above with question about J Crew shoes experience.
I have a daughter who is introverted AND has ADHD. Everyone says that exercise is good. And doubly good for ADHD kids during the school day.
Our afterschool has some sports (soccer / lacrosse / golf and Girls On The Run (older grades only)) for K-3rd grade. I think they’d be good for exercising since the first two are mainly running until you get skills. But my daughter also doesn’t like sports (I’m not sure exactly why: if it is the lining up / listening vs expecting that this will come easily vs boredom; she generally likes other physical activities like bike riding and hiking and going to the pool; she’s usually pretty articulate and persuasive but I’ve asked and haven’t gotten a great answer). A part of me thinks that it may be an introverted person thing — maybe she just doesn’t want to be around people (but she *needs* the activity or she will go bouncing around a room anyway with no direction and that is disruptive and not appropriate).
I am inclined to sign her up (sessions are 30/minutes one day each a week, so not very much extra activity, but I’ll take it b/c recess is so short). Even if she doesn’t like it, it’s not that long and it’s actually good for her.
At any rate, these aren’t competitive sports — they take all comers. And you sign up for 3 months at a time (and I’d just lose a small amount if we dropped one).
What would you do, esp. introverts or ADHD ladies who went to afterschool programs as kids?
Golf could be hard with ADHD. I’m really bad at remembering to be quiet when I need to be quiet. But, I think golf could be great for an introvert.
Running would probably be best.
If she does soccer or lacrosse I would recommend offense over defense or if there is an equivalent position to a field hockey link that essentially does both. I had a hard time with positions that involved just standing around waiting for the action to get to my area like softball outfielder.
I can see how a lesson in golf would be hard to concentrate on. But going out and walking a course might be a good skill to have over a lifetime, esp. if you don’t like team sports and like walking around outdoors.
I have zero desire to have kids on traveling sports teams (even if they want it), but I do think it’s an important part of being well rounded and helping with a different sort of mental development. And I think that being outdoors is good for the soul.
Professionally, I wish I grew up playing golf so there is a secondary benefit there!
Do it. My parents didn’t sign me up for sports because I wasn’t interested and it made it really challenging to get into later on. It’s half an hour. Totally fine to teach her that some things we do because they are important and good for us, like exercising and eating vegetables, even if we don’t love them.
Cosigning this. Sports weren’t really a thing in my house growing up which made getting fit really difficult.
I’d say running – it’s my essential introvert recharging time when I’m busy.
Thanks. We’ve got another year before she’s old enough (and GOTR is so oversubscribed that it’s by lottery now, so we wouldn’t necessarily get it). We could do this on our own though in addition.
Is there ballet or gymnastics available? I did both as a kid to help with coordination issues and focus (which we now realise were to do with ADHD)
What about dance? Same physical benefits plus encouraging structure and focus in gentle ways (obviously you would have to make sure the classes were the right fit). Swim lessons?
+1
Also, martial arts are quite popular, and my niece has done this since ?1st grade. She is not sporty, but loves her Tae Kwon Do.
Yes, I was going to suggest martial arts. My introvert son loved it and did it starting from age 6.
+1 As a total non-jock theater kid, I did karate for years and years. A fast paced class might be good for keeping her on task and even once she gets up to sparring, she’ll only have to deal with one other personality at a time vs. a whole team’s drama.
That, and I think all girls should have joint-locking training. So useful in high school and college if someone puts a hand where it’s unwelcome.
The listed options are on-site at her school, so those are the only logistically-available choices during the year (w/o hiring a sports nanny). We do a swimming lesson on weekends and try to be outdoors for at least a couple of hours each day (not with an organized sport though — more parks, bikes, hiking trails).
Would they let her take a bus somewhere to your local dance/yoga/martial arts/etc studio? Otherwise, I think running would be the least worst since it’s solitary. I know you said they weren’t competitive leagues, but soccer and lacrosse are still competitive sports and I would have been miserable doing them. Golf I think is boring for adults, let alone children.
Golf is not boring at all for someone who plays it. It’s nice too in that it can be a solo sport, or it can be played with partners or teams. It’s also useful later in life for business. I played competitively in high school and still play golf with clients. For children, it teaches focus and the importance of practice, and there are lots of young professional golfers (Rickie Fowler, Rory McIlroy) that they can watch on tv and relate to. Golf is on tv almost every Sunday and provides a good rainy day “activity” (ok, I know watching golf on tv is not an activity, but you know) in a pinch. My sons play now, and I love that it gives them something consistent to do.
Swim team. For 90% of the workout, you literally cannot hear anyone else or talk to anyone. Being in the water was the best escape for this introverted teenager.
But as an ADHD person… not necessarily so great. I enjoy swimming but I get so bored! Running is just as great for my introversion but I can listen to podcasts or music to keep my brain engaged.
Sign her up but also look into kids yoga or family yoga to do together – might be a good fit as it could help her with focusing/calming techniques plus you’re around other people without having to interact as much as in team sports
Kids in afterschool programs really don’t get that much exercise. She might get more chance to run, play, and climb trees if she is just free to play after school where it is not so regimented.
No doubt that this is often true. We have the ability to add on (ours goes outside for 30 minutes after the sports / activities), so the question is whether we do.
In the best of all possible words, we’d move to a minifarm and she would have horses to ride and take care of. But I’m PT as it is so I can pick her up by 5 and try to then get home / get dinner ready / review homework with her / read a little / try to enjoy ourselves. And when I’m getting dinner ready, she’s zooming through the house, so we’re trying to do things as we can.
We did figure out that me leaving work at 3 and spending an hour in traffic for a sports lesson offsite during the week was just an exercise in futility. Plus, people were starving / cranky. Fail.
I would sign her up for everything you can get her into, require her to finish out the first 3-month session, and ask her which she likes and wants to continue. After-school can be incredibly boring, and anything that breaks up the afternoon may help. The structure of a sports class may take off some of the social pressure, too.
There may be other sports-based afterschool programs available to you. In our area all the martial arts schools have vans that pick kids up at school. They give the kids a snack, homework time, and martial arts lessons, and the parents pick the kids up after work. There is also a soccer program that runs an after-school program where the kids run around and play various games on the indoor soccer field, plus optional van transportation to the park for more serious soccer instruction and team practice. The ways to find these programs are through word of mouth, by asking the school office what after-school programs pick up at the school, by sitting outside the school at dismissal time to see which vans pull up, or by searching the web for “name of sport” + “your town.”
It will sound off the wall, but what about disc golf? There is a lot of burning off of energy (walking all over a park/course to the holes, plus throwing the discs), plus it is as social activity or not as you want it to be. The investment in it can be as little as about $20 for a few discs to throw around, and at the beginner level the amount of instruction required to be able to play even somewhat reasonably is pretty low.
My daughter has ADHD but she’s a big extrovert and wants to do every activity to fill every second of her time, so we have ended up over scheduled in previous years — this year we are limiting her sports to soccer and swim. She also needs both the sport and the exercise to even get tired out enough to sleep. She LOVES swim team because it wears her out. Soccer is good for that too. Volleyball was not good because it wan’t physical enough and she would come home from a 90 minute volleyball practice and have to jump on the trampoline. Track/ cross country was actually too short/ not hard enough and she found running kind of boring. We ended up getting a trampoline and she goes out there and will jump for 30-45 mins just to get her energy out. Sometimes she wants me to keep her company/ watch her routines and sometimes she will just play music and jump alone. Maybe try a trampoline? Or exercise or yoga classes for kids? That might be less pressure for an introvert to just go to the class rather than have all the social aspect of a team? Good luck.
Careful. Trampoline are one the most common causes of spinal cord injury in children. Really dangerous.
Have a very good umbrella insurance policy if you let other children use it, and watch like a hawk.
Or get rid of it.
Cross posting since it seems very quiet on the Moms Site today:
Seeking nanny advice: Our current nanny, who my 22 month old son has grown to love over the last year, is about to have a baby of her own and will no longer be working for us. I found someone to take over, but my son will just not adjust to her. He is typically a very outgoing and friendly kid, and he screams when he is alone with her and has even vomited a couple times from crying so much about being with her. He acts like he is afraid to be left with her. It’s been two weeks since she started working and while I think I may sense a tiny bit of warming up, he doesn’t seem to like her much. When is it long enough to know if she is just not the right fit? She seems ok to me, I don’t love her (yet), but to be fair, I haven’t loved any nanny right at the beginning, I think there is an adjustment process. Has anyone dealt with this or have any advice? I don’t know if I should continue to wait it out or see if I can find someone else in the meantime. TIA!
Can you find a babysitter or friend for a day or two to gauge if this is specific to new nanny or new people generally?
Also maybe take him to visit old nanny so he can see her again and not feel like new nanny took away old nanny?
This would be concerning to me. Can you work at home for a few days to get a better feel for what’s going on in the daytime?
As a former nanny, it’s probably not anything the new nanny is doing, he’s probably just having a hard time adjusting to the change. Is it possible for him to spend time with both nannies together so he can see that he can trust the new nanny?
This would be a red flag for me. Do you have a nanny cam? Or have you thought about using one? (I’ve never used one and don’t plan to.) Once you rule out that nothing strange is going on when you aren’t around it will be easier to address his comfort level with her.
My son suddenly started having issues when he was around 27 months old- extreme acting out, nightmares every night, tantrums multiple times a day, and even a few potty accidents (even though he hadn’t had any in months prior). I had an odd feeling that it was related to a certain teacher at his daycare, but couldn’t prove anything. We couldn’t figure it out and finally took him to the doctor to get checked out. Without us mentioning daycare, the doctor suggested that it was likely something going on a school b/c there was nothing physically wrong.
Long story short, we switched schools and all of the behaviors stopped immediately. It was bizarre. Just my two cents!
22 months is the height of the attachment phase, so that’s part of the issue, I suspect. This is so hard, and I don’t have answers for yo . I have been there and it broke my heart to leave my screaming daughter. They do get over it eventually. Do you have intel on whether he screams all day after you are gone, or just during the transition?
I would get a camera.
I spent 6 years in big law and hated every minute of it. I thought about leaving law all together but was lucky and landed in house. After several years at what some would call a unicorn lawyer job (decent hours and pay) I’m realizing that I just don’t like practicing law. I keep thinking if I don’t like it here I won’t like it anywhere. Not sure what I’m looking for, permission to quit law? Validation that not everyone likes practicing? Maybe I just needed “say this out loud” so I can move on to the next step, whatever that may be. I can’t complain in real life bc I know there are many others who have it much worse than me.
Most people I know (and I’m a lawyer) don’t like practicing. I do like it and they think I’m nuts. But they stay for the money. Or they stay bc they aren’t sure what else to do at age 35 or 45 or whatever.
This question tends to offend people — but why did you go to law school? Most people I know went bc they were good students but were liberal arts majors and could not make the type of living with a history degree that they wanted and they were good at things like debate or whatever. Having always been good students, they easily got into T14 law schools, did well there, got biglaw jobs. And THEN it occurred to them that in almost every practice area in biglaw (and in house usually) you are usually dealing with financial/commercial/business issues — that they had ZERO interest in. They expected law to be just like high school debate and the academic discussions in law school — not about whether investment bank 1 has a cause of action against investment bank 2 for an issue with a term sheet for some $4 million debt restructuring that they don’t understand.
I really love practicing. But I love people watching, too. Every issue tells a story. A micro-story (a lawsuit, a transaction, etc.). But it tells a macro-story as well: rule of law, deeds for land, how title is held (thank you, Downton Abbey, for explaining the fee tail and why it is important and not favored), interest rates, causes of action, writing clearly, taxes (in the KJV of the Bible, Mary and Joseph go to Bethelehem to be TAXED); capacity to contract; corporate authority, etc. It is so damn fascinating (to me, I add; to me).
I don’t have a helpful response other than to tell you that you aren’t alone. I’m currently struggling with this. I debate going back to school to pursue something in healthcare, but I’m afraid of the cost and paycut in leaving the workforce. Not to mention the loss of status. I have no answers but commiseration.
Not everyone likes practicing. You can absolutely quit law. I did and have never looked back. It’s a hit to the finances for sure, but so worth it for the better quality of life (both in terms of hours and in terms of doing work I enjoy with nice people). Could you look for a JD-preferred job as a way of transitioning out? Taking a quasi-legal role is a lot less drastic than, say, going back to school to be a nurse.
+1 I am in a JD preferred role. I didn’t like practicing traditionally either. I get to do the things I like now, contract drafting and negotiating, but don’t have the added pressure of being in the legal department. My hours are MUCH better than the attorneys’ hours. I also get to be more involved in the business stuff than I would if I was strictly legal here. I work with customers almost daily, I interact with customer service, the product managers, the project managers, the GMs, the finance people, almost every function of the BU, but I don’t always have to be the “No” person, which people often accuse legal of being.
What do you not like about it?
What did you like in law school?
How do you want to spend your day?
Super-senior associate at my 5th law firm in 11 years. I’ve been trying to go in-house for the last 2 years.
I have a real plan to leave the practice of law in 5 months.
The hardest part, emotionally, was accepting that I would no longer be a lawyer. It’s a tough pill to swallow. The process of recognizing this and dealing with my emotions has been on-going for 6 months.
You have permission to leave law.
Kat, I appreciate all the plus-size alternatives you post, but for the love, please don’t link to Alfred Dunner! My grandma used to wear it exclusively!
Wise ladies,
I am at a career crossroads. I’m a young lawyer (3 years private practice experience at 2 firms). I went to law school to practice in a niche area (think less obscure/out of reach than human rights law, more specialized/competitive than tax law). Currently doing that type of work, but just for the past year. Love that type of work. For a variety of reasons (discrimination, abusive partners, unethical practices at firm) a career at my current firm (regional biglaw) is untenable and must be abandoned, within the next 6 months. I’m hesitant to leave my preferred practice area, but am really wondering if that’s what I should be prioritizing.
When you all make career choices, what are your biggest priorities?
Following your dream?
Type of law?
Money/future earning potential?
Working with people who respect you and really believe in your potential?
Working for people with integrity?
Working with people you like?
Stability?
Prestige of practice area? Prestige of firm?
Geographic location?
Hours/work life balance?
I guess I’m just looking for perspective or stories on how people have weighed these things, or found that their priorities have changed throughout their careers. Single, no kids, no trust fund, so no major financial assets/obligations to consider.
None of the above. I’d prioritize an available job I could get.
+1
I’m a 6th year lawyer, currently on my second job, and my priorities for both jobs were almost purely, “this is a job I can get.” I struggled to find a job in the first place, and then really needed to get out of a bad situation (including many of the problems you mentioned OP) when I changed jobs.
Find a place you think you can live with people-wise, since it sounds like your current situation is toxic in large part because of people issues. Focus on trying to learn something from that position and gain good experience, and give it at least 6 months. If it’s not for you, at least you’ll be in an environment that’s not toxic while you look for something more specific in your preferred practice area.
These things don’t work out as neatly as you want them to — bc for 99.9% of people you don’t get a job that has all of your preferred attributes from your list. I think being only 3 yrs out of law school I would think about ways to stay in your practice area if you love it (and can get a job in it) or ways to diversify away from that area (if you can’t get a job in it now; or if future prospects for jobs are hard bc it’s such a narrow area or a geographically limited area or whatever). I think that will make the decision making easier. I have known people who have said — I am a tax lawyer, I will only do tax, I don’t care where I have to go to do that. I have known others who have said — tax is great, I like it and want to keep doing it but if the only tax job I can get is 2000 miles away, then I’ll just see if I can get a job in corporate locally.
My single biggest priority would be finding a job at an ethical firm that I could stay in for at least a year, because at this point you need a job and need one you can stay at to build a steady work history. Beyond that, practice area. I went to law school to be an X kind of lawyer. For many years I did X and I was pretty happy. When I had to leave X area for reasons beyond my control I was shocked to discover I didn’t actually like being any other kind of lawyer. A lot of people (myself included before my job switch) think “being a lawyer is being a lawyer, at some level it’s all the same.” Not true in my case, and I actually found a different career that is closer to my former niche and I’m much happier now. People think I made a big career change leaving the law, but I feel like what I do now is actually closer to what I was originally doing even though my title is no longer “lawyer” (e.g. for a tax lawyer becoming an accountant might be less of a career change than becoming a litigator).
Are you me? This is almost my exact path. Raising a glass to all of us that realized our “niche” and the law generally aren’t always alike.
OP here- yup- I had this exact impression when I joined my first firm doing different work and thought “I never would have gone to school for this.” I feel like I could do my preferred type of law forever, barring obviously the crippling health effects of a toxic work environment.
I prioritize positive work environment (a combination of stability, integrity, liking the people I work with) over everything else, because if I work in a toxic environment I dread coming to the office and don’t do good work. One doesn’t usually get honest information about the work environment from the firm itself, so I pump my network for information. After that, I prioritize pay, geographic location and work hours, in that order. It’s so difficult to move between areas of law, that it’s not really a consideration for me because firms would only consider me for positions in my current area of law. I literally don’t even know the meaning of “following your dream” so that’s not a consideration for me.
Does anyone have experience with orthorexia nervosa?
I actually learned the word orthorexia on this site. I looked it up, and then I realized…. wow, I know someone who has this, although she wouldn’t use the word.
I know someone with a severe anxiety disorder, who has an obsession with food, and specifically…. restrictive and “healthy” eating. Although those who know her (for decades) have only seen her slender, she claims she was heavy in the past and to have had problems with binge eating. Her parents were apparently quite large, although they passed of medical issues unrelated to obesity.
Her diet currently is only a small assortment of raw vegetables (cucumber and tomatoes), tofu, non-fat yogurt and (rare) salmon. She weighs everything, and eats a very large amount of these foods, but follows an eating schedule/weights of food eaten that is part of some sort of “diet” that includes online support/discussion groups. She even travels to conferences about this.
I saw her last week…. and when I hugged her…. Oh my goodness. She looks like an anorexic and she is skin and bones and so pale….. She is clearly unhealthy and malnourished. In the past I have encouraged her to take vitamins (she used to only eat tofu and soy milk…. that’s it). Finally, she has a psychiatrist/therapist and is seeing a primary care doctor. But the doctor seems more focused on …. “great! No high cholesterol or high blood pressure….”. But she is so weak and malnourished that she is tired all the time, weak, and can no longer exercise (she also used to overdo it with this). Not sure how the doctor can miss this…
She is very complicated. There are fixed personality issues and severe anxiety that I sense has been life long. I am trying to figure out how to navigate this, because she is becoming part of our family.
Recently she got another medical diagnosis that may be partially related to her issues (osteoporosis). I have cautiously suggested that her “healthy” diet could be contributing, and that while she is doing such restrictive eating, maybe a nutritionist could help? She seemed open to the idea, and said she would ask her doctor about it.
Any advice? I will be interacting with her on a near daily basis in the future, and meal prep will be involved often.
Is this a future sister-in-law? If she is entering your family, is it via a family member who you could discuss this with sensitively but confidentially?
+1 Talk to your brother. He should already know, and if he doesn’t he should have his eyes opened. Eating disorders are a lifelong struggle and he needs to be ready for that.
It’s not my brother/SIL. It is my parent/father. This will be a new step-parent.
Parent is aware of the issue, but essentially ignores it. Will be a bit of a problem, as new spouse would be his “meal preparer”, and she has already asked me why his doctors haven’t put him on a “special diet”……
Yes, that might be the best bet. Also, if you haven’t already found this person during googling, research Jordan Younger. She has a blog and wrote a book about her struggle with orthorexia. She used to be very restrictive and eventually realized that she had to stop following a vegan diet (among other things, like multiple juice cleanses) because it wasn’t healthy for her (she didn’t say a vegan diet was generally unhealthy but for her ED it was). Part of her issue was that she had become a popular vegan blogger and part of a community, and dealing with the backlash was challenging. I haven’t read the book, but she has had a few blog posts about it.
Thanks. I really appreciate this rec.
I had a suite mate like this in college. She came from a broken home and had issues with both parents and siblings. As a result she could not sustain any relationships with men even though she was very pretty. Over time she became extremely self absorbed and although she had success in her job, she remains unfulfilled and searching for god knows what. As a result she is a binge eater and an indecisive person who is a compulsive shopper. I thought with guidance from me she would improve, find a man and settle down but this never happened and she is beyond child bearing years still looking for God knows what. If you must interact daily recognize what you. Will be dealing with and don’t expect her to change because she can’t.
From what I have gleaned, there is a lot of mental illness in her family, particularly anxiety disorders.
I think you are right… there is no chance she is going to change. What is more concerning is that she is become less functional with increasing age.
Also, recoverying from eating issues is like expecting an alcoholic to work in a liquor store and drink moderately. It’s that level of walking a tightrope.
I had a roommate like this (very stressful — I did not want to trigger her in recovery and yet it made my head spin a bit questioning my relationship with food; I have daughters now and want to make sure that they see food in a healthy way) and recognized it immediately in a coworker. Both went on to healthy lives and have even had children (for one: the sole motivator in her recovery was that she wanted to be able to have a healthy child and not mess the child up with eating; I think it’s probably much better that both of them had boys and not girls).
Yes…. I know what you mean.
I feel like I am tiptoe-ing around food. It makes me anxious!
My father even asked me to hide some foods before she came over to visit (she currently lives out of state).
Oh man, OP. This is so hard. I am recovered from anorexia and eating disorders just throw a massive wrench into all of your relationships, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I would gently push back on your father’s suggestion to hide foods, if you’re comfortable doing that. As awful as it feels to even be around “unsafe” foods (from a disordered perspective), enabling her by hiding them is only going to reinforce her thinking that these foods are bad.
Take care of yourself, too!
I have a friend like this. She does it under the guise of “healthy eating” but in reality, she eats hardly anything and probably weighs 100 pounds. She just got married and you should see all her bones in her back poking out of her wedding dress. It’s really sad and I don’t know what to do.
Recommendations for the best small Bluetooth speaker? Under $50, preferably under $30. I live in a studio and just want something I can pop in the kitchen or bathroom. I had an Amazon basics one but it broke after 6 months, so something nicer than that.
I really like my Soundfreaq Sound Spot. I think it was about $40 at Target. I have the one that is wood and white, so it even looks somewhat nice when I leave it out
I have a Marley BT – I really like it. I paid about $60 or 70 CAD on sale, so I’m sure you can find it in the US for cheaper. It looks really cute and works well.
I have the Basse Portable, currently $16.99 at Amazon (supposed regular price of $49.99). Really good sound for its size. It’s supposed to have FM radio available, although I can’t seem to get that to work, but the Bluetooth capability is good. It also has a jack for plugging in a device; I sometimes use it with my laptop, which has horrible sound. I’ll try to post a link.
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A5QETX2/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
It also comes in a gold tone.
Let’s say there was something about your own appearance that you’d been wanting to change for a while. You had only held off on doing it so far because your spouse wasn’t into it. Now the spouse is talking about leaving you and making plans to move out. You do love the spouse, but making this change because you d*mn well want to sounds very appealing right now. Do you go ahead and do it?
Obviously. Do it today. Leave work now to do it. He’s a controlling jerk who is leaving you- a lot of this sucks. But lean into the perks.
+1 million
I think that by doing whatever it is now will send a message to your spouse that you are done with him/her.
The message I am thinking instead is more like “I’m done trying to please you–you either want me or you don’t.” Too soon?
Not too soon. If anything, it’s later than it should have been, but definitely not too soon!
No. You should have done it ages ago.
I think this is probably the right message to be sending anyway. Spouse is unilaterally making plans to move out and leave OP. OP can’t stop him/her. OP can only govern herself and that’s what she should do.
Do it only if you want to but not to spite him. Personally I am reluctant to go under the knife for anything elective (I don’t really need to) but it should be your decision to make. If you will become more attractive to a new beau, consider that a plus but remember that men won’t marry you just because you’re cute. You must bring more to the table, including a source of income or the ability to bear children. Also keep in mind that many guys will deceive you after cajoling you into bed a few times to see how you stack up.
And yet this one doesn’t get moderated.
It’s like a slightly less ridiculous version of our favorite person on this site.
obvi. yes. do it.
Of course!
I think it depends what “it” is. Coloring your hair? Sure, 100% do it. Getting a tattoo or implants? Wait. Not because your spouse should be controlling your body, but just because it doesn’t sound like you’re in the right head space to be making permanent changes to your body. Start making plans to do it eventually, but I wouldn’t do it right. this. minute. when you’re going through so much upheaval.
+1
+100
+1
This. If it’s not permanent then 100% do it now. If it is permanent, I’d wait. Otherwise you might always be reminded of him when you look at or think about the change. You want to buy some distance between the end of the relationship and the change. Celebrate the divorce being final with the change instead.
Agreed! If it is more permanent, simmer down first.
I think it also depends on how long and seriously you’ve been considering this change. Is it, “I’ve had this tattoo picked out since I was 18 and because of my SO’s feelings haven’t ink’d myself” Or is it closer to “hmm. I’ve always wanted a bigger chest. but no knowledge or exploration of options/etc.”
+1
I think it depends on how drastic a change it is. I don’t think anyone should make major life decisions in the middle of a crisis or other times when your judgment could be clouded. If you want to dye your hair or get new glasses or something, go for it! If you want to get cosmetic surgery, I’d wait a bit because that’s a major decision and you want to make sure you won’t be changing your mind. If it’s cutting your hair, I would normally say wait just a bit because it will take awhile to grow back out and you don’t want to have a Brittany moment. But, if you have wanted to cut it for awhile it doesn’t sound like your making a clouded judgment.
This is a very long time ago now but after my long term high school boyfriend and I broke up, I got a hair cut, a new outfit, new shoes, just to feel better about myself. I was loving it at first until a guy in one of my classes made a comment equating my new look with the breakup. Obviously, they were related. But, once he said it out loud and I realized how obvious it was to everyone else they were related I got super self conscious. That I was just this poor obviously hurting person that now had to make changes. That I was looking better to try to win him back rather than for my own self confidence. You know you are doing it for you. But if you think you will worry and care about what others will read into it, wait. I know this isn’t high school but I find a lot of life lessons from high school have carried through in the real world.
If I had to guess, I would say you’re thinking about getting a nose or b00b job. I would NOT do anything that is going to cause you physical pain (no matter how temporary) when your partner is also hurting you by threatening to walk out. Don’t add pain.
If you’re talking about a cosmetic change (or even botox), go ahead and do it. Be confident. I think Blonde Lawyer makes a good point too, so consider that.
Good luck with your spouse. That is really rough.
Who out here keeps a bullet journal? Favorite tips/tricks/hacks? There is so much information out there I am finding it overwhelming!
Squared paper notebooks are the best for this in my opinion. Makes it easier to line everything up
I don’t have any tips, just commiseration. I was so excited about bullet journaling because it’s flexible and seemed so useful but I get overwhelmed and just don’t use it regularly.
Has anyone been to a Boden Warehouse/Sample sale? I know they have them outside of Boston and Philadelphia. Was considering going to one this fall, but is it worthwhile? Is there very much in a US 14/16, or mostly just smaller sizes?
It’s really a huge mix. Worth going to for fun but I would not book a flight etc thinking you are going to get big deals. Dresses were about $25 ish and most were previous returns etc.
Yes, I go nearly every time in Boston. They tend to have the past season’s merchandise and sometimes stuff that is older than that (they have a 365 return policy). There’s plenty in every size. The key is to line up about an hour to an hour and a half early. Run to the size tables you need (there’s a 12/14 and then 16/18 area) scoop up ANYTHING that looks remotely promising into the huge tote bags you’ve brought along. Try on in the communal dressing rooms for about an hour. About 90 mins in, a whole bunch of discards come back to the tables and you can have a second go.
I tend to spend ~$300 per sale. Dresses/Coats are $40, and the prices go down from there. I’ve gotten some really lovely work dresses at the sale. It’s fun to go with a friend and meet up in the dressing rooms. Definitely key to go early and bring bags!
Day 3 of online dating experiment. I was really attracted to this one guy’s profile. He was attractive, well-written, we had similar interests, he wants a long-term relationship. Wow! I thought I had found a rare gem! Then I took a closer look at his pictures and noticed he was wearing a reverend’s collar. I am atheist.
Nobody’s perfect. Opposites attract. Poke him (or whatever).
I have to admit I had a brief fantasy about being a reverend’s wife (remember that 90’s TV show Christy? I loved it) but I have huge moral and ethical problems with organized religion so it wouldn’t work. Still struck me as hilarious, though.
with all organized religion? that’s kind of a wide brush. UU isn’t exactly Mormonism for example
Why is he not still a gem?
He is a cleric, not someone who runs over kittens and laughs about it.
He is just not the gem *for you*.
I was expecting:
. . . wedding ring . . .
Reverends are people, too. ;)
Find out what kind of church he’s a minister of before discounting him?
Might’ve been from Halloween.
I also am an atheist actually went out several times with a minister I met on Match. (Great guy but there was no spark, sadly.) He had been on a sabbatical for a couple of years and I asked him why and whether he’d had a crisis of faith (in our first coffee meet-up; apparently I skip small talk and go straight to inappropriately personal questions). He said he doesn’t actually believe in the supernatural conception of god as an all-powerful entity. But he likes and is good at running a church and esp. ministering to people who are in need for some reason.
Go out with this guy!
It depends a great deal on denomination…if either of my (Episcopal) priests were single, I’d totally recommend them as wonderful people to date!
I was raised catholic but am agnostic, and there was this guy friend in college who would have been the best husband, etc, BUT he was super christian and wanted a christian wife/raise children super christian. Oh well. It seems like a job where the work bleeds much more into personal life than usual, so I’d hesitate, but perhaps it was Halloween?
Does anyone have the Lo & Sons Catalina bag? Do you like it? What color do you have?
Looks like L&S is having a pretty good sale, and I’m in need of a new travel bag.
I have the catalina in the black color – great bag – i can fit EVERYTHING in it – nointernal storage other than the pocket on the inside and the bottom shoe area – but it was great for my needs.
Really happy w the construction of it – I’ve had it for probably a year or so now and use it for most all trips
Thank you for the helpful reply ! :-)
I’m sorry, I just had to chuckle at this. Good luck with dating though!
DH just called to say his mom flooded our kitchen and newly reno’d basement by leaving the kitchen faucet running and leaving the room. *ragestroke* I cannot handle MIL visit + 3 kids under 5 + work right now.
To refererce one of the above posts: I would be 50 shades of rage right about now.
OTOH: cannot imagine that this should have caused a flood, much less a gigantic one; could it be that your pipes are really bad/old/semi-clogged? Was the sink stoppered / otherwise with its train blocked?
[I can see it with a bathtub though.]
she left the kitchen faucet running with the sink full of stuff.
She was in the next room and didn’t hear the water – I’ve been saying for years that she needs a hearing aid. The faucet was running for like an hour before she noticed. The basement ceiling that the water ran into is slightly sloped (older house) so it pooled in the centre of the basement ceiling before dripping out the light fixtures onto the new floor. FML.
OMG
Pls tell me that MIL is bending over backwards to clean up the mess, take pictures, take full responsibility for what she did.
cleaning up water – yes. Taking full responsibility – no. Apparently if our toddler had been left home instead of going to daycare for a half day this wouldn’t have happened because the toddler would have alerted her to the water. Therefore, it’s my fault since I sent the toddler to daycare. Sigh.
Wow, Anonymous. Your MIL is the very picture of passive-aggression. Are you going to stay in a hotel tonight so you’re not homicidally rude towards her?
AHHHHHHH. That is terrible. I would be livid too. I’m so sorry.
But if your mother/father had done it, it would be fine, right? Bc they’re older and accidents happen, right?
Not the OP, but my parents would know to fix something they broke. Like writing a very large check and being there to oversee the contractors who’d be required to fix this so I didn’t have to take off work. And probably housing me somewhere. Not that my parents are rich, but they get that I don’t have the $ or time to deal with something BIG that they ruined.
If they crashed your car, they should already be offering to buy you a replacement.
No – because they both have hearing aids so they would heard the water. They don’t walk away from a sink with running water which I have been my MIL do numerous times. Same way she leave stuff on the stove on ‘low’ all the time – only to forget about it. Totally unwilling to acknowledge that she might forget something when she leaves the room so she shouldn’t do these things.
Perhaps she’s losing her memory? Is it possible taking care of kids is too much for her?
I think she’s definitely more forgetful. Hence my asking that she turn off things when she’s leaving the room in case she forgets to come back right away. She doesn’t useful have care of the kids. It’s day 2 of a three week visit. She doesn’t have more than 2 of the 3 kids for more than an hour or two on her own at a time.
Oh, my.
I would have a Come to Jesus talk this evening about how she is not going to be alone in the house and arrange for either a hotel room or a sitter for her.
Be kind. After all, hubby gave you 3 kids!
Question~~how you handle a dentist who makes unwanted advances to me, the sole receptionist in the office. He is my boss and there are no other employees. I do not lead him on but he is married and grabby. I enjoy my job and get paid well, but not for him to think of me as his girlfriend. Yuck!
Yeah, sperm is in such short supply……..
Ugh. No need for nasty comments. Geeze.
Not the OP, but if my in-laws OR my parents had done this, I would be (i) inwardly livid, (ii) outwardly kind (b/c they are older and i KNOW that any one of the four of them would already be mortified about what happened, and me being outwardly mad would not help anything) but (iii) expect them to take reasonable steps within their means to remedy the situation. For my ILs, who are on shaky financial ground, that would mean helping clean up but nothing else. For my parents, who are financially comfortable, that would mean helping clean up and writing me a check for the damage.
Call you insurance company TODAY. Can’t tell by your description (and without seeing your policy) if it would be a covered event- but it never hurts to try. A lot of it actually depends on the adjuster who happens to handle the file.
Signed, a litigation attorney who represents property insurance companies
Vent: I just paid $37 in shipping to return 3 pairs of shoes. Return shipping was not covered and I could have almost kept the cheapest pair for what I paid in shipping. I’m so irritated. None of them fit so they had to go back.
Thank you very much. I’m glad you found it useful!