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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Wrap Pencil Skirt

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Brooks Brothers Wrap Pencil SkirtSure, this pencil skirt is a bit boring — but then, the most versatile, worn-often-and-for-years pieces are going to be pretty boring. I like the hint of stretch in the wool, and the fact that it's fully lined; the double slits in front also seem interesting and new. The skirt was $298, but is now marked to $119.20 at Brooks Brothers. Brooks Brothers Wrap Pencil Skirt Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. Psst: This Club Monaco sweater dress is a bit out of season, but it's finally gone on sale and we ARE having a cold spate here in NYC, so I thought I'd post. Update: Try code APRIL30 to bring the sweater dress down to $69. (L-3)

Sales of note for 1/22/25:

  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
  • Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

196 Comments

  1. Anyone have ideas on how to cope with being single? I am a serial monogamous person who recently (two months ago) got out of a relationship, and I am having trouble adjusting to being single again. Everyone keeps telling me to get hobbies, but it seems cheesy for a 27 year old to “develop hobbies.” Anyone have any ideas about how to make being single fun?

    1. What’s wrong with hobbies? I don’t mean crafts–although if that’s what you’re into, go for it–but I think that if you don’t have any interests outside a boyfriend, you are setting yourself up for a very boring life. I love learning new things, like how to actually use my DSLR, or a new sport. I didn’t learn how to play tennis until I was 25, and now I love it. I suck, but I love it.

      Obviously you already received this advice, but you didn’t take it, so I will say it again. Go find yourself a hobby.

      1. Second tennis. I played a lot (singles and mixed doubles) when I was single and now my husband plays (a post-marital hobby for him). At best, you might meet someone. Or make some new friends. And at worst, you have exercised (and the clothes are cute).

    2. Yay! Someone I can help and relate to. Yes, it is easier to be in a releationship, but being single is OK b/c you have no one to stink up the toilet or the bed while you are trying to SLEEP. You can go SHOPPEING any time you want and you do NOT have to worry about makeing food for your man who just then burpes and walks away after eateing. You can also go to the gym where I gearantee that men will be stretcheing and lifteing their leg’s near you to attract you (why I do NOT know), and you can eat out with your girlfreind’s and men will come up and want to buy you drink’s but if you do they will want to have sex with you.

      I am also to meet new men, but I am in NO hurry b/c most just want sex and I want children (which come’s from sex) but they do NOT want that. FOOEY! Rosa found a man (ED) who gave her children and a home and she still enjoy’s sex with him, so Hang in there and there will be a man for you also! YAY!!!!!

    3. I don’t know what to say other than the fact that you need to get comfortable being alone with yourself. If you’re the kind of extroverted person who always needs to be with someone, this time in your life is the equivalent of your mother saying, “Honey, please go play quietly in your room.”

      You need to figure out what interests you and then just do it. It’s not cheesy to take up something that interests you past the age of 27. In fact, I would argue that being interested in things makes a person interesting.

      My suggestion would be not to “force” anything, but just daydream a bit and think, “Maybe I could go with my friend to her SoulCycle class.” Or volunteer at an animal shelter. Or learn a new language. Or take up kayaking or knitting…whatever it is that you’ve ever thought, “Wow! How do other people do that!?!?” Now you can go and figure out how to do that.

      This is an opportunity to work on you, not you as a plus one. Take it!

      Who knows? You might make new friends, learn something about yourself or even meet someone!

      1. +1. Also, remember that you are under no obligation to stick with any of these hobbies. I took a kayaking class, and I enjoyed it but not enough to continue. That’s okay. Look at it as a free pass to try all sorts of things that you’re curious about, and when you find something that excites you, all the better.

        Also, hobbies are not just something that single people do. My hobbies help keep me sane when my husband is traveling, or hanging out with his own friends. I suggest rephrasing your question as “how to make life fun” – you only get one of them!

    4. Invest time in your friendships, or in building some friendships if you don’t have any friends. Even when you get another boyfriend, it seems foolish to invest all your life efforts into a relationship with one other person. Other people and activities are important.

      1. +1 – the other relationships in your life are what makes it seem full. If you are not a hobby person, you’re not, a lot of happily single people aren’t and focusing on one thing just doesn’t work for a lot of people but meaningful relationships outside of your SO do work.

    5. I don’t have any advice, but the blog Gimme Some Oven has done a series of posts about being single. I’ll include the link to the latest post in a separate comment to avoid moderation.

        1. That was incredibly insightful. I’m a bit younger than the writer seems to be, but I can relate to almost everything that she wrote.

          1. Oh god, I knew this toxic b!tch a few years ago (have since divested myself of any acquaintance with her) who was totally judgey about my choice of SO. She herself was single by choice because she had decided not to pursue dating until her daughters were grown (didn’t help – they were still f-ed up). She was absolutely convinced that when she was ready, she would just “put herself out there” and magically a man would appear. Meanwhile, she would hang out and drink with my friend’s husband and flirt with his married friends and try to be one of the guys. I mostly wanted to punch her in the face. Her kids are grown now so I’m dying to know if someone magically appeared in her life. Yeah, this sounds really bitter but that woman just burned me so bad.

      2. I totally understand the desire to get married and the loneliness that can come from being single but Ali’s blog makes my eyes roll so hard they almost fall out if my head. She ‘grieves’ the fact that she didn’t get to meet her husband when she was wrinkle-free? Give me a break, she’s only thirty. Maybe it’s because I’m from the same small-town Midwest background she is where girls thought their lives were over if they weren’t married by 25. Probably 60% or more of my high school classmates have first marriages that have already ended in divorce, and we’re not yet 30. The idea that you should get married young for the sake of marrying young is absurd.

    6. Make goals! Have you considered signing up for something like a 5k/10k/ half marathon? I have found that having something to train for and a goal to look forward to gives me structure and purpose.

      Alternately, get back into whatever thing you love to do but have gotten away from – reading, writing, sewing, hanging out with puppies, whatever.

      Also… maybe some self-analysis books and/or therapy would help. This is a great time to focus on you.

    7. Well, what do you like to do? Or think you would like to do? What did you do for fun when you were in a relationship (other than hang out with your SO)? Those are all starting points for hobbies. I joined a running club when I was 27 (I’m 30 now), and I love it now, even though I was never ever athletic.

      I’ve been single for my entire life, so I have no idea what’s different about being in a relationship, but really, there’s nothing particularly special about being single. It’s just life.

      1. Also, I highly recommend “The Happiness Project,” which has nothing to do with being single, per se, but may be a useful starting point for figuring out what makes you happy.

    8. I went through this after my divorce. It took awhile to get adjusted to spending time alone. Also, if you were the kind of couple who spent a lot of time together, you have to get reacquainted with your friends who would do things outside of couple activities. Now, I actually enjoy being alone. I already had at least one hobby (knitting), so I hosted craft nights at my house for girlfriends. Not everybody did the same craft and some people just came for the snacks and fun drinks. I also took up strength training which, along with cardio, adds a considerable amount of time to my workouts. I started doing that with a friend who is a trainer. Walk with a friend (I did this with a friend right when my ex and I were splitting up – it was very therapeutic for both of us to walk and talk). Have dinner parties (yes, you can do this as a single person).

    9. As a fellow single 27 year old gal, I’ll second what everyone said above but add that the best part about being single is that you get to be incredibly selfish. There’s time to do what you want and figure out what you want to do in the first place. I work a lot but when I’m not working I joined a women’s volunteer community organization. I also work out a lot and get to try new workout classes and gyms. Also it’s a great time to reconnect with friends who you might not have seen as much in the past because you were spending time with your SO. I set up HH or dinners with my friends. I think when you’re adjusting you have to plan ahead to keep busy because it’s not like when you’re in a relationship you automatically have someone to hang out with.

      Being single is a great skill and being independent and on your own makes you a better future partner for when you do meet the right guy. You won’t “need” to have someone just will be happy to have someone to add to your already very full and satisfying life.

      1. I think this is a fabulous comment and as a former serial monogamist, I totally agree. I used to hate that everyone said this but it’s true: after I took steps to be happy single (found a new job, started a new recreational sport, organized HHs, traveled to see college/law school friends more often, etc.), I randomly met my now husband. I wasn’t even in dating mode at the time because I had been working on being selfish and doing what would make ME happy independent of anyone else.

    10. I think being happy alone is required to be happy in a relationship- I think you need to look inside and figure out why you don’t know what to do when you’re single for 2 months, it’s kind of ridiculous.

      I have a friend who is also a serial monogamist and terrible at being alone, and she became incredibly needy as a friend, and then as soon as she found her next boyfriend, started to completely ignore me, so whatever you do, don’t lean on your friends, and then treat them like crap when you’ve found your next man.

      1. This is harsh. The first few months when you get out of a relationship are the hardest and when you feel the most lost.

      2. What Anonymous at 10:42 says is harsh. But it is also true.

        The first period after a break up is intense and hard and can be very bad. But, Single Gal, if you can possibly do it, please try to learn to be comfortable being alone. I have watched my father make a series of terrible marriage choices over the past decades (I have three step-mothers and assorted half-siblings) because he can.not.stand.to.be.alone. What’s more, he does not appear from the outside to be happy in these relationships. I would hate for that to happen to you.

        1. Agreed. I have observed this as well.

          Plus, having interests will make your next long term relationship better – because you will actually have something to talk about!

        2. If it weren’t for a generational difference, I’d think that I dated your father. He could stand to be single for about a minute. The girlfriends before and after were like musical chairs.

          And I have an in-law now who remarried after his wife died. He is in his 80s and was married 50+ years and got remarried less than a year after his wife died. [At least to a widow he knew through church, not to someone much younger he met on the internet.]

    11. I hate the idea of “getting hobbies” but being single really gives you the time and opportunity to do what you want! Work as much as you want, watch as much trashy tv as you want, hang out with friends, be spontaneous, work out. I find when I’m in a relationship, you sometimes feel like you’re in a bubble. I would start off slow – maybe go to the gym more than you already do or hit a fun workout class. Make plans with your friends – I like drinks after work and brunches.

      I have actually found that when I’m single, I’m closer to my friends (mainly the single ones) because we have more time to hang out.

      Are there things in your city you would like to do or have been meaning to do? Do them!

      1. +1 even as someone with hobbies, I loathe that suggestion and totally agree with this.

      2. “Getting hobbies” does sound cheesy, but “canning, gardening, creating a personalized Haggadah, hiking, cooking, throwing lavish parties, infusing your own liquors, brewing mead, reading, restoring antique typewriters, writing a novel, learning how to go back to the gym, kayaking, photographing friends and outdoors places, traveling, reading and collecting graphic novels, and editing a schlubby friends-only literary magazine” -well, that sounds pretty cheesy, too, but it’s super fun! <–All hobbies I don't get to spend as much time doing with a SO, since dinner is never a sliced cucumber, a pita, and a bowl of hummus, there's twice as many friends to schedule brunch with, and our families live on opposite ends of the east coast, so vacations are ALWAYS family, etc.

    12. Maybe if you are not a hobby person, you could get into volunteering. If you find a group that does really meaningful work in your community, volunteering can be really fulfilling and also, as a bonus, fill tons of time.

    13. Until I met my husband ( at age 30) I’d spent far more of my adult life single than in a relationship (far, far more). I actually had to sort of say good-bye to my single life when I got serious with my husband because there just wasn’t room in my new coupled life for everything I’d done as a single girl. So here are the things I missed (and still sometimes miss) about being single:
      – Getting a small pizza with exactly the toppings I want on it and holing up on a Friday night after a long week with pizza, red wine, and 3-4 episodes of my favorite show, to be watched while wearing completely ugly but so comfortable loungey clothes.
      – Waking up on a Saturday morning with the whole day in front of me for whatever I want. Movie I want to see? Go hit the matinee. Shopping to be done? Go spend as much time browsing as I want, and spend whatever I feel like I want to spend on whatever I want to buy without having to justify it to anyone but me. Or what about farmer’s markets, flea markets, or other places where it’s most fun just to browse idly (Mr. TBK is not an idle browser — not at all). Or look up a recipe from a new cuisine and then go out and find an ethnic grocery store to buy the ingredients, plus some other interesting foods that catch my eye.
      – Doing a long, leisurely girls’ night without feeling like I’m ditching my SO on a Saturday.
      – Making a trip home to see family without feeling like I’m spending joint money on “my” family and without justifying the number or duration of family visits I’d like to make (or having to balance it against visits to in-laws)
      – Not shaving or wearing fancy lingerie except when I expect company.
      -Contemplating a career move that might involve moving cross country/overseas, or long hours, or travel, or a pay cut without having to clear it with anyone or take anyone else’s needs into account.
      – Going for a long run then meeting a friend for brunch (or meeting a friend for a long run plus brunch).

      1. Ha, I am totally nervous about dating, because I worry about giving up this freedom. And I REALLY LIKE being alone, as well. Like, it will be hard for me to get married again unless Future Mr. Backson is cool with some nights when I want to sit on the couch and read and NOT TALK TO HIM OR ANYONE.

      2. Maybe this makes me odd, but I’ve been in a long term relationship and I still do many of these things….
        – go to a fancy pizza place and get 2 smalls with exactly what each of you wants… then agree to disagree on what to watch on tv while drinking red wine? (we just combined so we still have 2 tvs)
        – Do a long, leisurely girls’ night and encourage SO to have boys night on the same night
        -don’t shave if you don’t want to. wear lingerie for yourself!
        – Going for a long run then meeting a friend for brunch ; just have dinner with your SO

        I agree on the sentiment about celebrating single-life, but you can still do things that you miss! (well, except now you have twins, right?)

        2. I agree that some of the things can still be done – but man, it’s still just not the same feeling!

          Some of my favorite memories of living alone were closing the door behind the pizza guy on Friday at 6PM, and knowing that it won’t open again until I got up early the next day to go for a solo run or walk (mostly to feel better after all. the. wine. and like 3 bad movies), then a leisurely shower and meeting friends for brunch.

          Good, good days.

        3. My fiance travels for work and, while I miss him, I will freely admit that sometimes it is glorious to just have entire nights (and the bed!) to myself. It is sort of the best of both worlds.

          1. I’ll totally admit that sometimes, I miss the days when my husband traveled M-F for work. I loved coming home and having zero obligations.

        4. Yes, I feel the same way. Except the job relocation one (as she types from the 1-year job she took away from her SO….)

      3. Oh man! This list makes me miss my single days. These are exactly the sort of things I would do. Also, I taught myself how to cook during my single days (never had time before in school.) No one was around to suffer through my mistakes and now my SO thinks I’m a brilliant cook. Dinners together at home are some of our favorite times. I thank “single me” for investing in myself.

      4. I really miss thin-crust veggie pizzas with red wine. It’s always cheaper to get a single large pizza than two small pizzas, so we usually compromise and get mushroom normal crust with extra cheese. Infrequently we’ll get the veggie at my request, but I do miss not having to weigh my own desires with my desire to make someone else happy.

      5. I love your comment about the matinee! When I was single for a longer period of time, I discovered I loved going to our local dollar theater alone for a matinee. The first time I tried it, I was super nervous about sitting through a whole movie by myself, but I found that the movies are the perfect place to hang out solo. I still do this now, when I have the day to myself or need some space from my fiancee. :)

    14. I learnt swimming (all the 4 strokes) when I was in my 30s. I didn’t do it to meet anyone but it is possible to learn new stuff later in life.

      How about learning a language?

    15. Man, sometimes I miss being single because I had so much time to do the fun stuff in my life that my boyfriend refuses to participate in (kickboxing – not cardio, but fighting classes, ceramics, photography, biking). Take some classes or try something you always thought you’d be interested in but didn’t have time for – I actually took pole dancing classes which are both incredibly non seductive when you are sweating and trying to not faceplant and great workouts.

    16. As someone who was a perpetually single (as in no BFs, no dating really, until a few months before I met DH), I realize now how much that time was my own to spend. Though I love the hubs, my mid-20s were a time where every decision was MY decision to do what I and I alone wanted to do, such as:
      –trying to learn to cook. Even when I did it poorly, it gave me the ability to know how to make a protein, a veggie and a starch simultaneously AND time them all to be finished at the same time (which is harder than it sounds).
      –Baked goods — a lot.
      –Watched whatever I wanted on TV. Now that I’m married, I’ve ceded control of the remote. I used to watch English soccer on Saturday mornings while painting my toenails, then go to the gym for an hour, before making myself “breakfast.” (Now I have a house to take care of and all that jazz.)
      –Joined a co-ed soccer league with some friends. Found more friends that way.
      –Stayed out as late as I wanted and hit snooze as many times as needed on work days. (That changed when DH told me I get two snooze hits max every morning.)
      –Hung out with my friends as much as I felt like it because I had the time.
      –Went to pub trivia nights.
      –Walked a different way home in NYC every night just because I could — my time was my own.

      1. This reminds me of how much I’m going to miss about my life if/when I get coupled up. Especially snoozing as many times as I want in the morning…

    17. Have you thought about getting a dog? (If you have the time, space, and inclination.) Then you have someone waiting for you at home, and can fill your time by going on walks/hikes/to the park.

      1. I love having dogs, and my life is more complete with the three I have.

        That said, I’d strongly advise against getting a dog, or any pet, just so you don’t feel lonely. If you can’t commit to taking care of an animal for 12+ years, don’t have flexibility to get to vet appointments when needed (usually during business hours, and sometimes on short notice), don’t have time for regular walks, and aren’t sure if you will be able to take care of the pet during its senior years when it may develop special needs (incontinence, less mobility, etc) please, please don’t get a dog. If its something you’ve always wanted and have been thinking about, however, sure, this might be the right time.

        Otherwise, you can always go for walks/hikes/to the park by yourself. In fact, if you are outdoorsy, you might be able to find an internet group that meets for walks/hikes/camping trips, etc, and may find a new activity you like. In CA, check out http://www.outdoorsclub.com. Nothing wrong with exploring new interests, or ‘hobbies’, at any age… I took up riding street motorcycles at 28, rock climbing at 30, scuba diving at 32, motocross at 34, krav maga at 41, and now golf at 43. Much of that time I was single, and met fascinating people along the way.

    18. And also, don’t let the word “hobbies” freak you out/turn you off. “Hobby” is just a word for “something you do for fun.” If anybody asks me about my “hobbies,” I always say “fashion,” because I spend a good amount of time playing in my closet and planning outfits and shopping for clothes and looking at fashion blogs and other fashion-related stuff like that.

      I also second the idea of learning how to cook if you don’t do that already. Knowing how to feed oneself is a great life skill, and it also gives you something to do when you get home from work and on the weekend. I really enjoy puttering around in the kitchen and making myself a nice meal. Helpful hint: Get a TV that you can see from the kitchen! ;)

      1. or make a safe space for your laptop and slip a plastic bag over the screen and watch all the cheesy CW shows on Hulu while cooking! the best.

    19. Try translating “”hobbies” into “any activity you enjoy.” The world can be an incredibly interesting place with scenery, museums, performing arts, ethnic restaurants, flea markets & thrift stores,* local festivals, parades, and church fairs, minor league baseball teams, and civic stuff absolutely out the wazoo: political parties, primaries, public meetings of the city or county council, volunteering to teach adult literacy skills or serve food to hungry people or whatever, etc., etc. YMMV depending on your personal preferences, local neighborhood, and wider vicinity.

      Some things seem hard to do solo–such as walking into an open event in which everyone else seems to already know each other–but this can build useful skills. I learned how to be calm about standing on the sidelines of an occasion, just watching people without worrying that I was sending out Misery Vibes. Next I learned how to go up to a stranger and start a conversation. Because I happened to have learned these skills in private homes and at my congregation during Kiddush* I’m still not great at capital “N” Networking (“Hi! I’m the greatest professional since sliced bread! What do you do?”)–but the skills will eventually transfer to other settings.

      Punch line: Because Mr. Silvercurls and I have different levels of need for being with other people, I got most of my congregationally-based practice at socializing solo _after_ getting married. Hilarious, but still useful.

      * Other congregations call this chat-over-food-after-services time “fellowship hour” or “social hour.”

    20. I’m a fellow serial monogamist who is now engaged to be married, but the two years I spent single/unattached was one of the most difficult, rewarding periods of my life. I dated on and off and learned a lot about what was important to me in a partner (I’m pretty sure I would never have chosen my now-fiancee without that two year period of trial and error).

      I also did spend that two years discovering new hobbies and interests, and I highly recommend doing the same. I started taking ballet class again (I had danced in high school but stopped once I hit college, and rediscovering the activity was really rewarding). I joined a women’s group that was focused on volunteering and while the group has since disbanded, I met 5 lifelong friends who will be at my wedding next year. I also took tennis lessons through the local rec center with a friend from work (I was literally the worst tennis player ever, but being bad at something and laughing at myself was somewhat refreshing for this Type-A perfectionist). I also tried to take care of myself on a relatively frequent basis; I paid attention to “Spa Week” specials and would often treat myself to a weekend facial or pedicure.

      Try to see this time in your life as a phase that won’t last forever, so make the most of it while you’re in it.

  2. I’m not sure how I feel about making the pencil skirt a wrap skirt–in my mind, the pencil works for everything because of its simplicity. But I do love that it is fully lined.

    On that note, does anyone make lined pants anymore? Theory doesn’t, and I don’t think J.Crew does anymore either. What about Banana Republic?

    1. BR’s light wool suiting pants are lined–I just got two pair this spring. Bonus for some–they come in Talls! JCrew essentially has all but stopped lining their pants except for very, very itchy/heavyweight wool ones (approximately one pair per winter season). I don’t buy any suits there anymore, which is a disappointment.

      I believe Boden lines their suiting pants too.

      I don’t shop at AT due to quality issues, so can’t comment on their pants.

      2. Can you confirm that BR lines its spring 2014 wool pants? The write-up doesn’t mention a lining.

        1. Confirmed–I have the Martin lightweight wool pants in Navy and Black and they are lined. I got the black ones about a year ago, but the navy ones came last week and are lined. Aside, the Navy Puff-Sleeve blazer is super-cute (but keeps getting excluded from sales as a BR Pick, sadly).

    3. I loved lined pants too and they are hard to find. Club Monaco used to have some, but I haven’t been there in a while. Classiques Entier at Nordstroms also lines some of their pants, but it is usually not the plain, solid colored suit type ones. Also, you can’t depend on what websites say are lined because about 40% of the time they are not.

      I will have to check out BR now.

    4. I have a 2005 J.Crew lined suit, and it’s gorgeous. I’m actually considering getting the lining replaced, since it’s starting to wear through on the chub rub area – is that a thing a good tailor could do?

    5. Jones New York lines their pants. The last time I looked, Talbots has some that are and some that aren’t.

    6. I kinda like the wrap idea as I already have black pencil skirts. Might go check this out

  3. I know their stuff is well-made from quality fabrics. And yet I cannot pull the trigger. Something with the styling (“look like about to go in for a teeth cleaning”)? Everything with the styling? I know it’s hard to be enticing with work attire (but Theory hits the mark for me and while I will never buy their clothes (pear shape + like my wool pants lined), I want them all). It is not the craziness that is the Lafayette catalog, but the vibe is still just all wrong for me.

    1. It’s all dowdy. I have a couple of their dresses, but I have to work overtime to style them to look younger.

  4. And that’s a really hard day for me, being a Hokie. I’m a regular reader & commenter, and some may be able to put pieces together. But I was there, in that building, helping people. And I thought that after 5 years, after 7 years, that it would be easier, but it’s not. I am hoping that it will be the worst day of my life and I will never have to endure anything more awful. But it’s also the reason that I continue to prepare myself and train for the worst.

    That is all. Please be thinking about the Hokie nation today.

    4. I can not even imagine. As someone with many loved ones on campus that day, I can’t begin to imagine how it must have been for you to be inside. My heart goes out to you, to the entire VT community and to everyone who felt their hearts break that day. A friend of mine lost someone close and she constantly reminds me that it is our job to live each day to the fullest for those who no longer can. Whenever I get really sad that’s what I think about and then try to do something that would make someone proud. I hope in someways that helps you.

  5. I’m hoping for some advice on how to change my inner monologue. A couple of my best friends have just had babies (the first of my social circle), and I’m envious. My husband and I would like to start our family but need to hold off for a year or so for a combination of job/logistical/financial reasons (this isn’t just a ‘waiting for the right time that will never come’ issue). I am happy and excited for them but I’m also very sad and frustrated for us, and need some help reframing this. I know it’s not the end of the world to wait a year to try (I’m 31 and my husband is several years older). Perspective please?

    1. If you’re envious, and your husband is ready, short of you leaving on a year deployment with the military or some other such issue, I would seriously reconsider waiting a year. (a) It very well may take time, even more than that year, to get pregnant, (b) you have 9-10 months to get ready even after you are, and (c) I can almost guarantee that in a year you won’t be in that much better position financially or job-wise. Obviously, I’m generalizing. Maybe something amazing and truly different will happen for you and your husband in the next year. I kept saying that though and it.just.didn’t.happen. But honestly, if you’re both ready, I’d just do it.

      1. I agree with everything Maddie Ross says. I recall a doctor having a similar conversation with me about a year before we started TTC, and I was so offended I changed doctors. However, we hit our “perfect time,” (which, like you, really was a good time to have a baby – husband finished grad school, we both made more money, etc.), and it took forever and a few medical procedures to actually conceive. Baby #2 was conceived during the worst possible time logistically speaking, and I’ll tell you – the timing didn’t much matter once either baby arrived :)

        Off the soapbox, really, really enjoy this time if you don’t start trying to conceive. Travel – if not with your husband, then alone to see friends, family and whatever else. Explore your city, take picnics to destinations within one day’s drive (you’ll WANT to do this with kids, but nap schedules will totally screw you), go camping, go to the beach, sleep in, etc. Read a lot – sleep a lot, see a lot of movies, go on dates with your husband that are completely not-kid friendly. Oh, and TRAVEL.

        I love being Mama – and getting there was a hard fought victory for me – but I miss and cherish those precious days of just the two of us. My biggest pre-kid regret is that we didn’t travel more before kids. My husband’s father had a terminal illness for all of our pre-kid marriage, and we devoted our extra resources to travel to be with him. I don’t regret that for a second, but we could have forgone some other things in our daily lives to travel just the two of us. I was so focused on getting rid of debt, and bulking up savings, that we really missed some great opportunities. Also, start practicing being flexible now – I realized after kids (when life forced me to be flexible) that I could have been far more efficient with my time pre-kids, and gotten a whole lot more done at work, and taken more time to travel and be with my husband.

        Finally, my only other advice is that you may need to every so slightly distance yourself from kid-heavy friends. I found it difficult to be surrounded exclusively by kiddos when we were TTC without success. I focused on solo activities, and cultivated deeper friendship with friends without kids. The other happy outcome is that post-kids, I still cultivate those relationships, and feel thankful to have a network that includes parents/non-parents.

      2. Eh, go easy on her. Sometimes there are legit reasons to wait a finite amount of time. Tons of my friends bugged DH and I when we got married about when we were going to have kids and the answer was that we wanted to wait a year to start trying because that way I would have a) been at my job long enough to qualify for FMLA leave and b) been at my job long enough to build up 4 weeks vacation. I don’t have maternity leave and we could not afford for me to be unpaid the entire time.

        1. Thank you – our situation is this plus another similar factor, so we really do need to wait a year.

          1. Me too. Hang in there! And enjoy sleeping anytime you feel like it, taking in that movie, giving back the child to your friend when s/he starts screaming and jumping in the car for a day trip just because. Baby time will be a great time, but the time now you have with your husband is also great because you’re building shared experiences you can use after your future babies have grown and left the house.

          2. Then, be sad about some of the moments when those babies show up, but really have fun with the finite period of time :) Put one special thing on the calendar for each month between now and when you can start TTC – even random things, like a pie festival, or a blue grass festival in a neighboring city/state, or an overnight in a nearby vineyard (I live in DC, so all of these things are possible within a few hours drive – you may have to tailor to a specific location). All of these costs would be a drop in the bucket compared to what we spend now for childcare!

            For whatever it’s worth, I remember a sweet, sweet childless friend dropping off a casserole for me one evening shortly after my first little one was born. She was dressed to the nines, and about to head out for dinner and after. I was in PJs, and going to bed. It was 7;30. I felt so, so, so envious of her freedom (and her certainty of sleep) in that moment that it was almost painful.

            If your waiting time really is set and finite, and you need a mindset readjustment, think of the next few months as building a strong reserve of memories to hold onto when you are struggling shortly after a new arrival. I wanted to be a parent more than just about anything, and those first few months were still really tough.

        2. Definitely fair points about leave, I guess I just fall into the camp with PA where getting pregnant was not the walk in the park I expected (turns out that all that worry over an accidental pregnancy in my 20s was not time well spent) and then a loss, I just hate to see people waiting just because of $. There’s never enough time and never enough $. Period.

    2. I’m 33 and pregnant with my first. Many of my friends are on kid #2 now. And at this point I can say there are some perks to being among the later of your friends to have kids. By the time yours come along, everyone is used to the kid thing and get togethers are more kid-friendly. I’ve been able to get some hand me downs or some stuff that I can keep until my friends have another kid. Also, this meant that my parents watched their friends become grandparents first and had time to get over the “becoming a grandparent means I’m old” thing and are now totally into spoiling their grandbabies because that’s what all their friends are doing too.

      1. I’ll bet it’s really nice to have kids after most of your friends already have a couple. My husband and I had the opposite experience — had our first child a good 3-4 years before others in our group of friends — and it wasn’t great socially. Get togethers weren’t kid friendly — still remember the stress of taking our two-year-old to homes full of fragile, expensive and too accessible things, like a floor-standing rack of hand blown wine glasses in one sad instance! We couldn’t participate in so many dinners out, ski trips, etc. And we just couldn’t fully share our joy and excitement — generally, people who don’t have kids don’t want to talk about kid-related stuff nearly as much as new parents do (if at all).

    3. Look at it as your last year of freedom instead of the year where you have to wait around before you can have a baby. There are a lot of things that you may find it difficult to do due to time/energy/other constraints, so enjoy being self-indulgent while you can.

      1. Yes! DH and I are pulling the goalie next year, so I’m enjoying our childfree marriage a lot right now. We can go on a spontaneous road trip for the weekend without getting a babysitter. We can have LGPs all over the house. We can watch loud action movies without waking a baby. I can sleep the whole night, every night. I can sleep in on the weekends.

        Live it up! Your future child will affect your life for decades so savor this end of this chapter while you can.

    4. Let yourself feel sad about it (and cry if you want to). Its ok to be happy for someone else and still feel sad inside about it. At one point in my life I found out 2 of my former classmates were pregnant with baby #2 on the same night that I got rejected from a job that would have allowed me to actually have maternity leave and make kid #2 financially possible. I sobbed and sobbed at home that night. And then I hid my friend’s feed from facebook for a little while so I didn’t have to see the sonogram pictures, and dug 2x as hard into my job search.

      Sometimes life isn’t fair (or feels unfair), and sometimes that unfairness really hurts. Go ahead and cry about it, and if its your thing – vent in a journal about it. It seems like someday you’ll get what you want too, but its ok to be sad about it today. Just don’t turn into a mopey sad-sack for the next year – enjoy the upside, as others have posted about, like sleeping in on weekends! I miss my sleep ….

    5. Also, be aware that many people selectively edit the version of their lives that they present to others… having babies is wonderful, but also can be really hard sometimes. Try to think of the big picture… 10 years down the road, you will have children too, and the extra time you waited will seem like nothing, and you may regret not taking advantage of that time more.

      In the meantime, schedule activities and travel that you won’t be able to do post-baby (heli-skiing, wine-tasting, beer-tasting, travel – visit all your friends in random places that would be cool to visit). Think about the things other than baby that you’ve always wanted to do, and make them happen if you can. I think the grass is always greener, so try to appreciate where you are while you are there, because when you do move on to the next step, you will be missing those things and wishing you had enjoyed them to the fullest while you had them. Plus, you get to “practice” with your friends’ babies, and when it’s your turn they’ll be able to help guide you on the things you’ll have questions about.

    6. I love the idea of scheduling some amazing events each month. I now have 2 young children, and I really miss seeing theater, going to the movies, going to concerts and outdoor festivals and live music just in general, eating out, beach weekends, last minute trips, and most of all, those long weekends with friends where you drink a lot and play board games and it’s just fun. I also wish I had time to work out, to take yoga or Jazzercise or pilates classes, or to play tennis or something like that. A year goes by really, really fast!

    7. My mom always said that it’s not where you start the race, it’s where you finish it. As someone who went through many years (8+) of infertility treatments before finally getting pregnant, watching our friends and family members easily conceive during that time was so painful. Take heart that a year really isn’t that long, enjoy your time with your hubby and start making preparations now for that family you will soon have. Good luck!

  6. It’s snowing. Again.
    So, I am going to make a list of three things that are making me happy today:

    1) I leave for vacation in 10 days
    2)I made delicious polenta with ajvar and vegetables and tofu, which I am looking forward to eating at lunch
    3) The seeds/pots I bought for my office have sprouted! In a few months, I should have wild roses blooming by my office window

    1. I pulled out my winter coat and gloves. Again. So, I needed this too.

      1) It’s not pouring rain, like it was yesterday.
      2) I made chia seed pudding last night, which I just got to snack on. Strawberries + coconut flakes…mm.
      3) I’m meeting up with some friends for happy hour tonight. I usually just go home, work out, and do school stuff on weekdays, so I’m glad to have the extra time to be changing it up.

    2. It’s snowing like crazy here too. I wore my warm coat but I just could not bear to wear my Sorels again. Double ugh!

    3. You will be shocked to read this but because I really, really love cold and snow my first reaction to your first three words was ENVY! (Headline: Planet lurches in orbit as thousands of this*site readers clutch their pearls in unison.) However, my next thought was, “oh, of course, it’s mid-April and if she’s had a winter like we’ve had, she has every right to be sick of snow and cold.”

      1. I too wish for more snow… I don’t love to shovel it but I love to slide on it very fast with two wooden sticks. Last weekend I clocked myself at 45 MPH – aiming for 50 MPH next weekend, but only if the gapers stay out of my way.

    4. I had to google ajvar, and realized “oh THAT is what that stuff is that they give you with your bread at the Serbian restaurant I like!”

      Now I need to go there and get some ajvar and some goulash. Or cevapcici. Nom.

  7. Any tips on getting a financially carefree person to stick to your financial plan? I love my husband, but he and I are not like-minded when it comes to finances. I am very much about having a budget, plan, etc., while he is much more carefree about it. For example, I check Mint daily to see what we’ve been up to, where he doesn’t even know what Mint is.

    One problem we’re experiencing right now: we racked up some credit card debt a few years ago, not a huge amount, but enough that we were carrying a balance. We paid it off completely three months ago. This month, we agreed that we would start using it for limited use: eating out (which we do once a week) and drinks. Turns out, my husband has been charging things on it, only about 1/3 of which are supposed to be on it. I asked him about it, gently, and reiterated our agreement that we not put anything but those two things on it. He told me stop “lecturing” him and that he’ll pay it off this morning if I’m worried about it. I, in turn, told him that that isn’t the point of the conversation – the point is that we agreed, together, to handle our finances a certain way, and within the first two weeks of that, he’s broken the agreement.

    Am I being crazy? He loves to argue that I “lecture” and that I constantly try and impose “rules” on him about money. Any tips for going forward would be great.

    1. I think this is a perfect time for Wildkitten’s grown-up rule: outsource to an emotionally-uninvested third party. (I LOVE this rule, in case you can’t tell!) Maybe he will come with you to a series of meetings with a financial planner, in which you can discuss all these issues and get him to help make and buy into a plan.

      Also, this might be a time for a variation of my “peas or carrots” approach. (You never say to a kid, “what do you want for lunch” (open ended question) because the answer could be “pizza and ice cream.” Instead, you say “would you like peas or carrots for lunch” (closed choice question) because then the kid has some agency, but you know that whichever choice she makes will be acceptable.) In this case, that could be giving him an allowance to spend however he chooses with the agreement that anything above the allowance is a joint decision pre-purchase.

      Not sure if this is doable. I chose, for various reasons, to divorce the husband I used to have in part because he was hugely financially incompetent and I did not want to be eating cat food when I was old.

      — Former Partner, Now In-House

      1. Agreed on the allowance issue. It would be very annoying to have a partner constantly monitoring my spending habits. DH and I have a set “fun money” allowance. We do not monitor or criticize each other for stuff within that allowance.

        If he is really irresponsible, you may have to give up some of the financial benefits of using a credit card and put your allowances on separate debit accounts. But you don’t need to make that change until he shows that he cannot handle credit, which has not happened yet.

      2. First, I think you are right to stay focused on the “we made an agreement and you didn’t hold up your end, what gives?” I would be annoyed, too, and I don’t think accusing you of lecturing is very adult of him.

        But knowing that he’s not sticking to the plan, I second the allowance suggestion. I am not always the most responsible with money and I freely admit it. My husband is all about a budget and sticking to it. This may not work for everyone but I get a weekly allowance into a separate checking account and as long as I don’t overdraft, he doesn’t even bother to check what I spent that money on (usually starbucks, lunches out, and other “frivolous” purchases). This way my husband can put “allowance” as a specific amount of money in our budget to satisfy his needs and I can buy whatever I want with the allowance to satisfy my needs.

        The other big compromise we made is grocery shopping. The one thing that makes me feel super poor and annoyed and resentful is having to budget at the grocery store (we rarely eat out so I feel like I should be able to indulge). We compromised in that I brought down the monthly grocery spending by about $300 so I need to be mindful of what I’m buying and making sure I use what we have at home, but not to the point where I actually have to tally up what I’m spending as I walk around the store. With other spending items, I agreed to stick to a certain amount that my husband set, but I knew the grocery thing would annoy me and he was willing to compromise on it. Is there one thing that you can give your husband more free rein with in order to get him to stick to the other rules?

      3. My husband is also financially care free..He doesn’t build a credit card balance but doesn’t mind spending all his salary…he doesn’t have a financial plan..neither sticks to one if I plan…I have given up enforcing my financial plans on him on a day to day basis. It will just build up resentment in him and he would definitely feel being controlled.

        There are a couple of things I have done which I think have given me solace. As he likes spending anyway, apart from splitting the regular monthly expenses..I ask him to pay for all my expenses (clothing, shoe, personal care products or anything that I need) which he happily pays. That way at least my money remains and I can save it for us. The other thing I do is I plan for investments. I explain him the plan and I ask him he needs to pay for some percentage of the investment. I generally put in a larger portion and he feels guilty not paying up the remaining part and hence he pays it (though sometimes he complains that he is feeling very tight on money due to my plans). The only way he saves is if he is under pressure of paying money to someone (either some debt or to me)…and I make sure that I have some financial goal going to keep that pressure on…

        1. This works for us because once I tell him he needs to pay up $x and he agrees, there is no enforcing of plans. All I care is $x within the time specified. He doesn’t feel controlled because money is not the topic of discussion everyday…I feel better because we have some savings and investment going on.

        2. This is why hubs and I have separate accounts plus one household account.

          we figured out what the monthly “nut” was for the household (all shared expenses), and we each put half that plus $100 in each month (the extra is so that if something extra comes up, we have extra in the household account to cover it. If we didn’t have enough, we’d just split whatever needed to be purchased).

          The rest of each of our money is ours. If we have a joint goal (vacation, etc) we each put an agreed upon amount into the household account until we have enough to cover the goal thing.

          I would be driven insane by having to discuss every coffee or lunch expense with my spouse. (He is the detail guy. I am not bad with money but I don’t want to obsessively check Mint every day either). An “allowance” would only further the parent-child relationship you’re setting up with money. And whether you think that’s what you’re doing or not, it’s obviously how HE feels given he doesn’t want you to “lecture” him.

          Let him pay off the card, if you’re worried about carrying a balance. But really, the micromanagement sets up a boss/employee or parent/child relationship, and that’s going to cause so many problems, which are going to bleed into other areas.

      4. I am in a similar situation except my SO ownsup to his financial incompetence. Our solution: I handle the money. We each get an equal, set amount of “fun money” a week to do with whatever we choose. His is in the form of cash and he has me pull a certain amount out every month and put it in a savings account for him (he doesn’t do online banking and admits he wouldn’t have the self control to do this so, while he has access to the account, I am the one who moves the money into it). He does have a debit card for emergencies, but if he puts something on it which we didn’t agree to put on it (ex. lunch out with friends), I pull the money from his savings to cover it. If your SO isn’t willing to give up the credit card or stop putting charges on it to which you don’t agree, I would go talk to a counselor. We saw a marriage counselor at one point to talk through our financial differences and it helped to get my SO on board with our financial plan.

    2. I think you need to revisit the agreement from both sides. Maybe it doesn’t work for him to not use the card- ok , so why not just pay it in full at the end of every month ? And for you- why are you looking at Mint every day? Your financial plan should be stable enough that you can let go a bit. Are you running our of money each month? Switch to debit. Not saving enough? Auto deposit it. You have a very rigid attentive approach but there are lots of ways to be responsible about money

      1. I’m a little confused too as to whether the issue is that he is using the card or the (bigger) issue is that he is spending money. Would you be okay with these exact same purchases on a different card or in cash? Can you just ask him to leave the card at home if it is that important that he not pull it out at all?

  8. I’m thinking of getting a pair of Hunter rainboots from the shopbop sale – any idea of sizing? I’ve heard they run a bit big so if you’re a half size, you should size down but you would do the same thing for a full size down?

    Thanks ladies

    2. I went down a full size (11 to 10) and mine are a tad tight when I wear them with jeans and the fleece socks.

    3. IMO it depends on whether you want to wear the thick socks or not – I purchased my normal size which fits perfectly with thick socks. They’re OK with thin socks, but not quite as comfy because my foot has a little room to shift around. A full size down was a very precise fit with thin socks, and made me wary of blisters.

    4. My usual shoe size is an 8, sometimes an 8.5 (but rarely) and am happy with my size 8 boots.

      Unsolicited, but I’ll add to stick with their size guides if you order socks. I didn’t want to get the large sock size that is for shoe sizes 8-10, because I thought something that would fit a 10 would have too much excess material in the foot for me. Turns out, the foot part of the sock is the same size whether you get the M or L, but the different sock sizes are meant to correspond to the shaft height of the boots. My socks made for size 5-7 boots are not tall enough to fold over the top of my size 8s.

    5. No input on Hunter boots, but thanks for putting the words “ShopBop sale” in front of my eyeballs, TO Lawyer :) For anyone who remembers my waffling last week on a Foxfield dress, I threw my search parameters in ShopBop and almost immediately saw a dress that was just BAM. Right price (with the 25% off), right cut, floral and bright without being Lilly-like, something I will definitely get a ton of wear out of…really hoping it fits and glad I didn’t pull the trigger earlier, since I like it way more than any of the other options I was considering!

    6. I wear an 8.5 & my Hunters are an 8 & I wear thick socks and sometimes the branded liners with them. As an FYI, they are narrow around the calf in the original version. I got a second pair of Huntress boots (a little bit shorter & wider calf) and I like those better.

  9. No advice- just curious what color are you going to go with? I’ve been eyeing a pair for myself.

  10. Does anybody here know anything about the Cocoon brand raincoats? I need to replace my decade-old Burberry, and am having trouble finding anything under $2k. Cocoon has one that would be ~$1k, but I don’t know anything about them. They’re UK-based, and their website is cocoon-online.com.

    And/or, can anybody help me find a replacement for my Burberry? There seem to be two factors making the search hard: one, it’s long (below my knees), and two, the zip-in liner. Cocoon has the length but not the zip-in liner (their liners attach via “small stud fastenings” — would that be “snaps” in the US?).

    Thanks, ladies.

    1. Sorry I’m not going to be helpful on your original question, but I was wondering what other brands (even the above 2K ones) you have been looking at? I’ve been sort of looking for a Burberry style trench/raincoat for a while. I’m fine with the price point – I just don’t like where the brand is going now (the older stuff is really cool though). Would love to know if there are similar brands!

      My husband has a really awesome Aquascutum, but now they’re out of business :(

      1. $2k was a customized Burberry — they’re not doing longer coats this year, though a salesperson told me a lot of customers have been asking for it, so it might come back.

        I haven’t found any US brands that seem to be well-made; that’s my big problem. I want a coat that will last, and the US women’s coats are made to follow trends, so the quality generally is not very high. In general, men wear their coats for more years, so their’s are made better (and yet they don’t really cost more … sigh). At least, that’s what I’ve been told by the salespeople I’ve talked to.

  11. I have a shoe styling conundrum, and I hope that a few of the ladies of “The Hive” will be willing to assist me. The issue concerns neutral shoes with dark neutrals. I wear a lot of black and charcoal, and almost exclusively skirts… a lot of pencil skirts, but also some more flared/a-line styles. It’s reached that time of year here in the Pacific Northwest where I’m making the switch from opaque tights to a nude leg, and for some reason, I’m really not feeling the (business casual) black skirt + nude leg + black flats. Black heels seem all right when I’m on the dressy side (suit or dress), but every time I put on black flats with a nude leg, I feel frumpy… something about the expanse of pale leg and the flat black line at the foot. (I think that this is also exacerbated by the fact that my current black flats are those elasticized ballet flats from Payless… it’s hard to find comfortable flats in my unusual size).

    Should I be wearing beige flats instead, in the summer? *Can* you wear nude-for-you flats with a black skirt? The rule-of-thumb I grew up with was that your shoes were supposed to match the darkest color in your outfit. Obviously, that’s somewhat out of date in that contrasting shoes are now fashionable. I suppose I never really learned how to wear beige, so I’m not sure what it really goes with… mostly, I wear my beige flats with dresses and skirts that are in non-neutral colors. Any advice you all could lend would be wonderful.

    1. Have you tried brown flats? I find them a perfect middle between black and beige. Brown also looks really nice with all shades of gray. For a black skirt, I would probably still go with black shoes though.

      I usually wear beige shoes with anything light/bright colors, so basically anything that’s not black/brown/navy/dark gray.

    2. I like the black flats with black skirts – it bookends my outfit. With dark skirts, nude legs and nude-for-you (if your skin is light) look jarring to me – like you’re actually not wearing shoes. With lighter colored clothes, it’s less jarring somehow. But I’d try flats in fun colors that match your outfit if you don’t want to wear black – purple and green are my favorites, and yellow for summer!

    3. I’d try gray flats or a nice red – check out Cap Hill Style for recommendations because she’s a flats lover. I’m on the fence about nude-for-you flats in an office because a managing partner in my office saw another associate in nude-for-her flats from a little bit down the hall, and was all “uh, why is that associate barefoot!?” However, I’m aware this may not be a problem for others.

        1. Got some grey flats after seeing them repeatedly recommended on thissite. I was doubtful at the time but they’ve turned out to be fantastically versatile.

    4. I have no problems with black skirt + black flats, but why not try a nude-f0r-you flat if that’s not working for you? I’d probably get a shoe with a little embellishment or something on the toe, to sidestep the “you’re not wearing shoes!” issue. Or maybe a beige-toned snakeskin flat? I’ve gotten a ton of wear out of my black/gray snakeskin flats, and I just saw a beige-y pair I’d totally buy if I needed new shoes, on my Shopbop sale browse…link to follow!

    6. I often wear “nude” shoes with black skirts/dresses in the summer. I read somewhere, and since agree with, that it looks more modern. It definitely would not be wrong or out of place. So if you feel good in it, rock it and don’t think twice about it.

    7. Thanks for all the feedback. I think my issue might be the style of my black flats more than anything. Qwerty, I appreciate your reinforcement of my intuition… I may experiment with my beige flats and black dresses a bit more.

    8. I like silver or gold flats for this issue & agree that black feels frumpy against bare/post winter legs.

  12. Finally have a cleaning person is coming today! She’s a one-woman operation. Do I tip or just pay her what she charges?

  13. Hey everyone! Kind of piggybacking off of an earlier comment about financial advisors, but hoping for a little bit of input. I’m 25, graduating from law school in 3 weeks (eek!), and will be starting my big kid life with my new job September 1. The problem: big kid world and I are not super acquainted. I’m super afraid of money management, considering I’ve never really had to worry about it before and am not very good at it. I essentially won’t have any assets, but I also won’t have any debt. I’m looking to get into good saving, budgeting, and spending habits immediately. Is it too soon for me to talk to someone like a financial advisor? Should I wait until I have a solid asset base before talking to an advisor? I am looking for help with creating a saving and investing plan, budgeting, etc. TIA!

    1. You don’t need a financial advisor at this point because they’re focused on investing – not budgeting or saving. I suggest a book like Get a Financial Life, which has all around advice about choosing a lifestyle that fits your income (e.g., guidelines on how much to spend for rent), budgeting, investing and other practical considerations like choosing appropriate insurance. Read it now – before you lock yourself into a year lease on an expensive luxury apartment- and figure out a ball park budget based on your future job.

      1. Also, at least one fee-based advisor I talked to said that they really don’t start working with people unless there is $500,000 in investable assets. You might find some that are lower, but probably still out of range.

    2. CONGRATULATIONS ON NO DEBT. Caps required.

      There are a ton of websites so you could check those out first (learnvest, Mr money moustache) and books (suze orman, etc)

      It also really helped me to talk to peers. E.g. buddy who had the same job/salary as me: “i just saved $x and put $x into a Roth” me: “ooh, what’s that?”

      You got through law school, you can do this. I also suspect you know more than you think: ie. you don’t keep cash under a mattress.

      If you feel it’s more efficient to hire it out to a financial planner, that may be so, but you’ll have time while studying for the bar to get yourself acquainted with the basics for when you do.

    3. To start out, make sure you max out any tax-deferred retirement savings that are available through your employer — 401(k), 401(b), whatever. Second, my suggestion is that you keep your student lifestyle (apartment, car) if possible until you get your bearings. As HMRC says, don’t lock yourself into an expensive rent/car payment right off the bat.

      I am a fan of the zero-based budget, in which you give every dollar a job to do before you ever see it. I also make sure I budget for normal but non-monthly expenses by saving in what I call Freedom Accounts. I talked about them a while back, here: https://corporette.com/2014/01/02/marc-jacobs-alexis-sweaterdress/ (search the thread for “Paging Senior Attorney”). It’s the best thing I do.

    4. I agree that you don’t need a financial advisor. I was in your situation when I graduated from law school. I met with a couple financial advisors and they were not helpful. They mainly just wanted to talk to me about my existing Roth IRA, and whether I was looking at transferring that to a different institution.

      I ended up getting a few books (Suze Orman’s Young, Fabulous and Broke and then a book by Dave Ramsey) and reading a TON of blogs – mrmoneymustache, getrichslowly, dailyworth, gogirlfinance, wisebread, moneycrashers. You pick up a ton of information fairly quickly. Once you have the basics, you don’t really need any professional help until you get very large assets.

      Also – read all of Senior Attorney’s financial advice on this site. She is consistently awesome in that area.

  14. I would read one of a few good personal finance books:

    Get a Financial Life (Kobliner)

    Smart Women Finish Rich (Bach)

    Anything by Suze Orman

    A financial advisor really won’t give you good advice until you have assets, and, unless it’s a fee-based planner (like a CFP), then they might even find you an unwitting target and sell you something you don’t need.

    I would also subscribe to Money Magazine or Kiplinger’s personal finance. It’s worth it to read about mortgages, retirement, etc…I may not be where the magazine is now, but I always learn something. Learning about personal finance is one of the very best investments in your future that you can make, and I really commend you for wanting to take control of this area of your life.

    Congrats on graduating and good luck on the bar!

    1. I recommend Suze Orman’s book “The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke”. Even though you’re not broke, the book still applies – it explains things like 401ks and matching, how credit card interest rates work, etc.

      Also, lots of people on this site like the YNAB (You Need A Budget) approach to financial management – basically, every dollar from your paycheck is allocated somewhere, so you are managing your money BEFORE you spend it, not just tracking it after its spent like in Mint or Quicken.

      1. Yes! That’s the zero-based budget I was talking about. Give those dollars jobs to do or they will get into mischief!

  15. QX for any T & E attorneys on here. (attorney myself but clueless about T & E)

    Friend just approached me raving about the tax she has to pay on her income from a special needs trust. It appears that the trust is funded by her parents. My friend is not disabled. to the contrary, she is a highly educated professional woman who works full time and supports herself. Maybe I am missing something, but I cannot figure out for the life of me why she is the benny of a special needs trust. Other than perhaps this is her parents half crocked idea of a tax dodge.

    I do know the trust was set up by an attorney. Wouldn’t an attorney have an ethical obligation to confirm that the beneficiary of a special needs trust they are creating is in fact disabled?

    1. I don’t think you actually have to be disabled to be the beneficiary of a special needs trust. It’s just referred to as that because it has a standard set of provisions commonly desired by people setting up a trust for a disabled beneficiary. The income paid to the beneficiary isn’t tax exempt regardless of whether the person is actually disabled or not.

      1. Understood. but what would be the benefit of setting up a special needs as opposed to some other type of trust? My friend clearly has no need to shelter assets from medicare or SSI. She is young and healthy with health insurance supplied by her employer and and her parents are relatively young.

        Can’ t help thinking there is something strange here.

        1. I don’t practice T&E either, and to qualify for the asset exclusion for Medicare/SSI purposes, I believe she would have to be disabled, which suggests to me there is some other purpose, potentially asset protection. In any event, I’m not sure why it matters to you. Maybe she has a marker for something that will require long term care when she’s older. Maybe her attorney just didn’t know what he was doing. Maybe her parents are giant fraudsters. I’m just not sure it’s any of your business.

          1. Sorry, that sounded harsher than I intended, and as an attorney I certainly understand the intellectual curiosity of wanting to understand why even when you know it doesn’t affect you.

        3. I know a couple families who set up special needs trusts for children with substance abuse issues, depression/anxiety, and other (invisible) health issues that could require an extended stay in a facility.

    2. Either the trust or the ben has to pay income tax. She may have a lower tax rate than the trust since the trust brackets start at a much lower amount of income.

      She may be misconstruing the trust – it may be set up to be a special needs trust IF NEEDED – which doesn’t mean that it is functioning as one now. Some people prefer to put in the special needs trust language just in case, all the tiem.

  16. Thank. I should have clarified that my friend is concerned about what her parents are doing and asked me to explain it to her. Apparently she doesn’t see the money. Her parents are keeping it and paying it only on paper. she didn’t even know of it for years because her parent’s accountant was preparing her return and she signed off without questioning the trust income listed. She now has her own accountant who asked her what was going on. She was livid that she is paying income tax on money she doesn’t get.

    1. Ahhhh that makes a difference. Totally speculating here, but one possibility is that they want to move the money out of their estate and are using the special needs trust as a way to avoid it looking suspicious that the distributions go to them (because they can pretend to be her guardians). If I were her, I would not be comfortable participating in a scheme like that, but at the very least they should be paying the income tax on her phantom income.

    2. That is totally not OK, the trust itself should be paying the income tax if it is not distributing out the income.

      1. Also, what state is she in? Who are the trustees? She should be demanding a copy of the trust and to see the distributions. She could start by going to the trust’s accountant (they should issue a K-1 or beneficiary’s 1041 for the trust) and asking to see the trust’s records. Or bring it up with her parents. Definitely not OK.

    2. Those are super-cute. And I think they’d actually be really wearable.

      1. Yeah, that’s what we were thinking since there isn’t much incline to the wedge. They don’t cover much of the front of your foot.

  18. Strange question of the day!

    I impulsively signed up for an aerial silk class on Sunday. I have no experience with any circus arts/acrobatics stuff, but I’m excited! I went to the gym today to see what sort of strength shape I’m in just now, and it left me wondering how many women lift weights. I decided to get back in to lifting this week, and did 3 * 8 bench presses, squats, bent over rows, and calf presses. But I was the ONLY WOMAN lifting weights (with maybe 20 men at the free weights, and another 10 using machines).

    Do you guys lift? Much?

    1. Yes! I have been lifting for about 5 years and expect to be a lifelong weightlifter. I lift about 2x a week currently because of my current running-related training commitments, but in normal times, I do enjoy lifting about 4 times a week.

      Enjoy silks! It seems like it would be a lot of fun.

      1. I hope it will be! One of the reasons that I was dismayed to see no women is that I haven’t lifted in years and am now in much worse shape, and wasn’t really sure what sort of weights to start with.

        Do you do cardio on the same days you lift? I feel like lifting took me like 12 minutes total, but my legs weren’t ready for serious cardio afterwards, either, which I think is why I don’t stick with weightlifting for long, haha.

        1. So at this point, not really, because of time constraints.

          When I had more time to exercise after work, I usually followed a four day split (legs, chest and abs, back and biceps, triceps and shoulders), and ran ~3 miles after about 40 or so minutes of lifting — skipping the run after leg day.

          I found that my split allowed the different muscle groups to have decent recovery time without totally killing my legs and ability to run for the rest of the week. I was also very careful to slowly jog half a mile after leg day to flush out the lactic acid.

          I felt (and looked) awesome! I would love to get back into that routine, but it is time-consuming.

          1. I feel like when I’ve carried lots of muscle I basically can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, which is maybe worth the time commitment.

            I think I need to focus on either running or yoga. I can’t do all three and have a social life. Both compliment weight lifting pretty well, it seems.

    2. I love lifting! It’s a personal goal of mine to be able to rip out a few pull ups– not quite there yet! It’s also made me a better runner for sure.

      I used to do 2-3 x week but lately I’ve been getting a better strength training workout and have noticed improvement from my yoga fusion class where we use some weights rather than traditional lifting.

      The silk class sounds amazing!

      1. I am super excited/scared about silk.

        I actually recently discovered I can still 90% do a dead-hang pullup and maybe 2 chinups, which is pretty exciting. I think once you hit 3 or 4, 10 is not far away.

    3. I don’t, really, even though I know that I should. I just don’t know what to do, and then my mind wanders. I’m taking a strength training class right now, though, so I hope that will help.

    4. I lift 6 times a week (heavy, both free weights and machines) and I have lifted for the better part of the last 7 years. I am much more comfortable (and my clothes fit better) when I am toned.

      1. Just out of curiosity, what is “heavy”?

        A few years ago I was up to bench pressing 3* 8 75 lbs (I was 115 at the time), which was heavy enough for me, but definitely did not put me in the bulky, equipment-owning serious group. I think I tend to gain muscle pretty easily, honestly, so I’m hoping to just lift weights maybe three times a week…

        1. Heavy-for-you. It’s about intensity.

          And lifting heavy weights doesn’t necessarily make you “bulky.” Can we please leave this myth behind?

          1. Oh, I didn’t really mean I would work out less to avoid being bulky, justthat to get strong I don’t need to do as much as some might, so I’ll save time for other activities. I struggle more with getting in cardio shape than strength.

            And I agree that most women worry wayyy too much about bulking up, and that unless you’ve got genetics and hours in the gym in your favor, you’re not going to bulk much as a woman. Personally, though, my short athletic broad shouldered build and genetics do favor getting pretty jacked, so I’ll stick to less time with the weights.

    5. I do strength training but machines, not free weights. Partly because I wanted something I could do with only a bit of help. I would need a trainer to help me get started with free weights and the current trainer at the gym is such a jerk I’d never work with him.

      Cornellian, I do weights 3 days a week. On those days, I do an hour of elliptical before hitting the weight room. It works well because I’m warmed up. Sometimes I really don’t want to go for another hour, but I make myself because otherwise I’d miss weights and I like it.

      1. oh, and I am one of the few women in the weight room, but since the boys there are primarily students and a lot of them know me, they’re cool with me.

        1. I essentially stopped lifting weights when I was in graduate school and going to the school gym, which was full of d bags. My midtown gym seems to have a few, but the one in Harlem actually seems to have no one who wants to teach me or help me with my form by touching me, etc.

          Definitely a reason that there aren’t more women on that side of the gym…

          1. We have a few of those kind of guys – but I’m old enough to be their mother, so when they’re lifting up their shirts to admire their abs, I am laughing so hard. The guys are used to me and, like I said, a lot of them know me from my day job so they wouldn’t mess with me.

    6. Darn it, hit report instead of reply, sorry!

      But to answer your question, yes, I lift weights as a regular part of my workout. I used to be much more into weight lifting when I was younger, read all the magazines, hung out in the free-weight section of the gym, etc, but now I usually do the machines after my cardio, 3/week, dividing by body parts: chest/back, biceps/triceps/abs, legs/shoulders, more or less.

    7. I have a personal trainer just for strength training due to some lifelong back issues that were exacerbated during pregnancy. My back still acts up but I really like feeling like I’m getting stronger and knowing that I’m more able to play ‘rough’ with my toddler (lift him up, swing him around, etc.).

    8. I hate lifting and can only manage to force myself to do it about once every two weeks at most. There used to be a lifting group exercise class I liked and did weekly but they got rid of the class years ago and I don’t like any of the new formats. But I do a lot of horseback riding, running and power yoga and my arms look quite toned.

    9. Yes, I lift with my trainer. Not much — twice a week and we do other things besides lifting during our hour-long workouts (and of course I do other workouts on the other days that include other kinds of strength training but not free weights).

      My faves are the deadlifts.

      1. I’m sort of afraid of deadlifts. I used to be really, really strong, but through gymnastics-style training using body weights and the weight of partners, and not traditional weightlifting. I think I’ll watch some videos and get over that fear later this week, though!

    10. I only lift once a week because of time pressures, but it has definitely paid off. When the snow hit, I was 30 minutes into shoveling before I realized “this is easy.” I’ve never had that feeling before. I love feeling my muscles.

  19. Interview outfit question: Is the Theory Betty dress with the Gabe jacket an ok outfit for an interview? I have it in charcoal. I’ve worn the jacket with the matching skirt before, and had a light-colored blouse for contrast. Unfortunately, the skirt got a grease stain on it that never came off.

    Will wearing the jacket with the dress be too much charcoal? Is a suit jacket with dress appropriate for an interview?

    If it matters, the interview is for a legal job at a small biotech company in Boston.

    1. I think yes, provided the dress isn’t too short on you. I would add some color with big necklace and/or shoes and/or scarf.

      1. Thanks! The dress hits the top of my knee-cap, so I think the length is perfect.

        Do I have to wear stockings? I reeeeeeeeeeeally hate wearing them, and never wear them for a regular work day.

        All of the people interviewing me are male. So I don’t know if they will even notice a presence or absence of stockings?

  20. There is a guy, married with 4 kids. I am so attracted to him. I know I did the right thing turning him away, but it is so so hard when i have no-one my horizons and haven’t been with anyone for ages. Just venting.

    1. You saved yourself a world of hurt by Just Saying No to the married guy. Good for you!

      But yeah, I know how you feel. There are a lot of awesome guys out there and it seems like pretty much all of them are married.

      1. Although if this guy propositioned you while married with four kids, he isn’t one of the awesome ones. Just sayin’.

        1. My comment disappeared but thanks for helping put things into perspective

  21. I was SO excited by the name of this skirt because I was thinking it’d be like a woman’s kilt – which is really flexible to weight changes. But I’m not seeing the wrap aspect since it has a back zipper. And I had a skirt with similar front pleats that was serious unflattering. Made me look very wide.

    Bummer.

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