Coffee Break: Caelina Pumps

104 Comments

1. I usually hate d’Orsays, but I kind of dig these with the pattern.

   1. They aren’t my normal style, either, but I love the pattern.

      1. Oh no- reading on my phone and accidentally hit “report comment” while scrolling. Did not mean to do that – so sorry!

   2. I have these and EVERY time I wear them I get many compliments!

2. Following up on a post from last week, I’m still trying to plan a vacation… Based on airfare prices and various suggestions, etc, I think we’ve narrowed it down to the Caribbean (excluding Bermuda probably). Some posters recommended the US Virgin Islands or Turks & Caicos. I’m looking for somewhere laid back with good beaches but with other activities available (either hiking or historic site seeing type things), but without massive tourist crowds and probably not a bunch of all-inclusive resorts–would prefer something like a B&B/guest house or condo rental that’s not insanely expensive (so probably not St. John). Basically, I want a beach/beach town straight out of a Jimmy Buffett song. So–which Caribbean island do I want to stay on? It will be in May, if that changes recommendations (rainy season?)

   1. I’ve stayed at the Andalucia guest house in Puerto Rico and loved it. Seems to fit your criteria pretty well.

   2. I love Turks & Caicos, but there’s no real hiking there. St. Lucia has more of a varied terrain.

   3. My husband and I are heading to Grenada next week. I’ve never been, but we chose that island because it seems to have nice beaches, good hiking, a nice town (St. George), and is not as expensive as St. Lucia. Also, the airfare was not insanely expensive and we can get there from RDU with just one stop in Miami.

      1. Grenada is amazing. I only used it as a jumping off point for a group sail, but we really enjoyed our 2.5 days there. Nutmeg for days!

   4. I stayed at the Trade Winds guest house in Vieques last month:
      http://www.tradewindsvieques.com/

      I had a fabulous time

      1. Did you take the ferry or fly to get to Vieques?

         1. I flew. Thank god for dramamine!

   5. Stay around Red Hook in St. Thomas if St. John is too pricey and you’re open to the USVI. There are ferries every 30 minutes that run from like, 6am to 10pm. Plenty of time for day hikes in St. John! If you want a condo try Point Pleasant. They have free car service to take you to the ferry. Cannot recommend Point Pleasant highly enough and they have condos in a range of price points.

3. Yay! Coffee Break! I love coffee break and these Zappo’s pump’s! I am goeing to show the manageing partner b/c they would look good on me!

   Myrna and another OP helped me with an idea to get to Noah. I found out he was still at the hospital’s ER, so what I was thinkeing was that I could stop by as he was getting OFF shift and invite him to a deli nearby. If he was to tired, I would schedule a visit some other time. Grandma Trudy want’s me to take him right back to my apartment, but I think that would be to forward right away, but if he showed interest, I would THEN OK it. What does the HIVE think? Is this smart? How else can I attract him back? I do NOT want to go in as a patient and take off my clothe’s as some OP said to do and Grandma Trudy wanted me to. FOOEY on that!

   I appreciate any help the wive’s of any MD can share, b/c they have been there and done that. YAY!!!!

4. I feel like I’m never going to find an apartment to buy in Boston… Competition’s stiff, that’s for sure.

   End rant.

   1. I feel the same way about NY. And prices have gone up 20% while I’ve been looking.
      Head. Desk. The end.

      1. Yeah, we dropped any hope of buying any time soon.

   2. Can we have a Boston meetup this summer? NEED NEW FRANDS.

5. I’m taking my second bar (a UBE jurisdiction) and I’m trying to decide on study materials.

   For the MBE, can anyone speak to Adaptibar vs. the Strategies and Tactics book by Emanuel? I’ve heard good things about both.

   1. Late, but maybe you will check back in. I used the S&T book to study for my second bar exam and I wish I had used it for my first! It was great and I pretty much didn’t use any other study aid for the MBE. I passed with half assed studying, FWIW.

      1. OP here. Thank you!

6. Question regarding destination wedding etiquette these days – we’ve traveled to a TON of weddings over the last few years and I’m completely over it (especially when the destination is just because the couple thinks its fun or so that they can save money (and instead all their guests have to pay more money), as opposed to being a city where their family lives). My question is about gifts – do you generally give a gift if you’re traveling for a wedding? If so, is it the typical amount (for us, $200) or do you give less? It’s not a matter of affording it, though we’re generally out around $1500 per wedding if we just go for the weekend. Is it frowned upon to skip a gift if you’re already shelling out for flight + rental car + hotel?

   1. We had a wedding in a city close to some family that a lot of our college friends and my husband’s family had to travel to. A lot of people didn’t give any gift at all — we noticed it but it was really fine; was just so great to see everyone.

      1. Same here! Many/most of our friends who traveled did not give a gift. We were grateful for their presence!

   2. Depends on how much I’m spending. The last two I did were Hawaii and Tuscany. For Tuscany, that was probably a $5,000 trip, so no gift but I did take my nice DSLR camera and gave them really nice prints and digital copies of all the pictures. The one before that was Hawaii, and that was probably under $3k, and I ended up doing the photo thing there as well. I tend to do “creative” gifts anyway – getting their invitation framed by a nice frame shop, photo gifts, recipe books where all of our friends contribute recipes…things like that.

   3. I always give a gift, even if it’s just something small. But thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding I didn’t have to travel to–the curse of moving a lot and having friends that do the same.

      1. Yeah, I guess I should clarify that I’m specifically referring to where the couple has decided to do a “destination wedding.” My friends are also all over the place, and if we’re travelling to a wedding in DC for a friend who lives in DC, they’re getting a gift. I’m more referring to people who are like, lets get married in this random city that we both like (even though their friends and family mostly live within driving distance) or grew up in LA but then decided to get married in San Diego because there are cheaper/prettier venues there. It’s more a matter of principle for me, I guess.

         1. I agree with your principle, though. If I am traveling for a specifically destination wedding I don’t give a regular gift, the travel expenses are my gift. But I do give a card and if I really love them a small token gift. Like a jar of fancy jam from a local producer in my area, something like that.

         2. LA to San Diego is only like 2 hours, I wouldn’t really consider that “traveling” for a wedding. It’s certainly not enough travel to justify not giving a gift.

            If I have to get on a plane or take time off work, then I’m going to give a smaller gift than I otherwise would. I’m floored by the idea of spending $5k to attend a wedding. Unless it was a very close family member or my bestest of all the bestest best friends that will ever best AND I’m only alive because she gave me her kidney, I really can’t imagine shelling out that kind of cash for someone else’s wedding. Hell I don’t want to spend $5k on my own wedding.

            1. It was. We’ve known each other for many years, are very close, and she gave me a 2 year warning that it was coming. Husband and I decided to make a long-ish, 10 day trip out of it. I’m SO glad we did! We used to joke that the only time we travel is for weddings (that’s calmed down, thank goodness).

   4. I do gifts if I have to travel to a wedding if the wedding is in the bride’s hometown for instance. Not if it’s at a resort in the Caribbean or something like that.

      1. This sounds reasonable. The Caribbean weddings are the worst – it’s not a destination I’d choose for a holiday, and so I dislike the constant suggestions that I “make a vacation out of it.” We already had several.

      2. +1. I always give a gift, but it would be a small gift if significant travel is involved.

      3. This is my rule too. Destination wedding = no gift, but I moved to California from Chicago, and I certainly give gifts at Chicago weddings, even though I’ve already spent $$ to travel.

   5. I certainly wouldn’t frown upon someone who travelled to my wedding at great personal expense and chose to forgo a gift. I would probably also skip a gift if I were a guest in this scenario unless the bride or groom was a sibling or my best friend. I suspect my opinion may not be the widely accepted majority opinion.

   6. Travel-as-gift has never sat quite right with me; they just seem like separate decisions somehow. That said, I feel strongly that gifts are never mandatory but a token of your good wishes is. A card (with no check or cash, just to be clear) does the job just fine, and I don’t think a long, emotional message is mandatory either. A simple, “We’re so thrilled to celebrate with you!” totally works.

      1. same decision because that’s the amount of money I have to spend on you and your wedding. If your wedding is close or if I don’t go, I can spend a couple hundred dollars on a gift for you. If I have to spend $1000+ just to get to your wedding, then that is what I’m spending the money on: being present to celebrate. and I will give you a card and maybe a small token.

      2. Was editing to answer the actual question (my personal practice) as time ran out. In any case, I’ve not yet been to a purely destination wedding as uih describe but I’m confident I’d give either a gift or a card, as described above, and base my decision on the same things unusually use. Essentially, my overall financial situation and how much I can afford to spend on the wedding (which includes travel, but not why the location was chosen, if that makes sense).

         1. well I feel like we are agreeing then. What I mean by travel-as-gift is that my travel and my gift $ come out of the same pool, so they affect each other. I can’t keep those decisions separate, it is an overall decision about how I’m going to spend the money I have for this couple.

            1. Understood and agreed (I’d posted my edit before seeing your reply).

   7. I haven’t been invited to any destination weddings outside of the US. If I had to travel to a foreign country (or maybe even somewhere really expensive like Hawaii?) I would give a bit less than I normally do unless it was a super close friend or family. But we’ve had to travel to most weddings we attend and I don’t really see a huge difference between flying to St. Louis because the bride grew up there & flying to New Orleans because the couple likes New Orleans. Some destinations are cheaper than others, but it’s not especially correlated with how “justified” the choice of destination is, and I don’t usually vary the amount of the gift based on whether I have to buy a $300 plane ticket to a major city or a $500 plane ticket + rental car to a more remote destination.

      1. The justification matters to me, especially as we’ve had friends state they’re getting married in these harder to reach locations (rural Montana is so lovely and everything is so cheap!) in order to save themselves money on the venue, food, etc. And yet they don’t acknowledge the obvious fact that means that all of their guests are in effect subsidizing their bargain wedding by spending a fortune on travel and having to take additional time off work. I love my friends dearly and I’ve traveled to loads of weddings, but destination weddings have always seemed selfish to me.

         Relatedly, If someone grew up in Paris and is getting married there so their relatives don’t have to travel, I’m not going to blink an eye because I get it, it’s difficult for older family members to travel. If someone is getting married in Paris because they’ve always wanted to get married in Paris, maybe I’ll attend, but I object to having to spend even more money on a gift.

         1. Eh, if they explicitly say they’re doing it to save money, that’s tacky, I agree. But beautiful, hard to reach locations aren’t always cheaper for the bride & groom. I got married in coastal Maine, a few hours from a major city. It was cheaper than having a wedding in NY or SF for sure, but it’s a resort area so it was a lot more than having it in my Midwestern hometown would have been. I think it’s silly to say a destination is only ok if it’s someone’s hometown or if it’s the only way an elderly relative can attend. Nothing wrong with the couple just choosing a place they like and/or that’s significant to them, and (in my experience at least) those fun places chosen by the bride & groom (e.g., Napa Valley) are often easier to reach (not to mention way more fun to visit) than the bride’s hometown in middle-of-nowhere Ohio.

            And I think it’s important to remember that guests are under no obligation to attend — if the location is not interesting to you and/or it would be a financial sacrifice to get there, then just don’t go!

            1. Shes’ not saying there’s anything wrong with them doing that, she is saying that if she attends that wedding at considerable expense to herself, she doesn’t want to also buy an expensive gift. If you want to have the wedding in the beautiful location, great, but you don’t get that location *and* a bunch of stuff.

            2. Your last point is well made. This is not your wedding – it’s the bride and groom’s. You do not HAVE to go just the same as you do not HAVE to give a gift.

            3. I don’t think the “I have $X to spend on your wedding, and I’m going to subtract my travel costs from that to calculate your gift” is in any way supported by etiquette rules & I think it’s pretty tacky. Also would you really give $500 or whatever your plane ticket would have cost if the wedding is in the city you live in? That said, we had a few people who came to our wedding who didn’t give a gift and we were still delighted by their presence & would much rather have had guests attend with no gift than guests decline & send a gift. But just because brides may be understanding doesn’t mean it’s an ok thing to do. Also like I said, I’ve found that the trips to hometowns have often been as much or more as the trips to places the couple just happens to like, at least within the US.

            4. ???? Sorry, but that’s how I make pretty much 99% of my life decisions: based on how much $ I can afford to spend and still have what I need for my needs. I guess I’m just tacky then.

               Also it is supported by etiquette rules. As Miss Manners says: a wedding invitation is not an invoice for a present.

            5. Eh, true that I don’t HAVE to attend – but these people all attended my wedding and I’m positive they all would be pretty annoyed with me if I declined to attend their weddings. In the real world, people DO get mad at you if you choose not to attend their wedding.

               I get that this is a controversial topic – esp since so many people here probably had destination weddings, I was just hoping that there was some sort of etiquette rule out there that essentially posited that if someone had a destination wedding (or if you just had to travel for a wedding), that no gifts were necessary. I seriously think there should be.

               I’m not hypocritical – my own wedding took place where I live and we chose that venue because we wanted to have the fewest people travel possible because the wedding WASN’T about US, it was about celebrating with our friends and family (otherwise we would have gone to city hall), and over 50% of guests just had to drive to the venue (we also didn’t register and specifically stated that we didn’t want gifts, but I don’t hold out hope for that becoming standard!).

            6. well this is one Miss Manners response on the topic:

               “Destination weddings: If guests are spending substantial amounts to travel to destination weddings, are guests expected to bring gifts of the same value of attending a local wedding without travel costs?

               “Miss Manners: The two expenses are not related. People who cannot or do not care to spend the money to travel should not go. Those who choose inconvenient locations should not expect everyone to swallow that inconvenience. In any case, wedding presents should not cost more than the givers can comfortably afford.”

               In general Miss Manners says a wedding invitation is not an invoice for a present or money. If you attend the wedding but the travel expenses mean you can’t afford a generous gift, I think she would say that a card and a token gift are perfectly polite, etiquette-wise.

            7. If you want the etiquette rule and just the etiquette rule, wedding guests are not required to give gifts. Period.

               If you want an answer to the question of whether your real life friends will be offended if you don’t give a gift for their destination weddings – there’s no formula for that. It’s just a case of know the bride (or groom). Some will always want a gift, some won’t care about gifts at all, and some will consider the circumstances.

   8. I always give a gift. Maybe I’ll spend a little less if there’s significant expenses involved, but in the scheme of things, if I’m spending 1500-2k to go, another $150 isn’t going to change my output significantly. I also do not feel the obligation to attend that so many people seem to. If the wedding is somewhere I want to go or it sounds fun, I go. If it isn’t or if I’m over it for some reason, I decline.

   9. I agree, too! I am facing a similar wedding but isn’t as far as the Caribbean. It’s within driving distance – and one where I could fly to, but the time spent getting to the airport, waiting at the airport, and getting from the airport to the hotel would be the same as driving (and there are not many direct flights.) I still have to get a hotel for the night of and the night before unless I leave my house at 5am the morning-of. I’m also a bridesmaid, so that’s an expense. And the wedding is on a weekday, so I’ll have to take a vacation day. This is not the hometown of either the bride or the groom or their family, it’s where they went to college. I will not be giving a large gift, if at all. (I’ve already given gifts at showers.)

7. Hi guys — I’m looking for ideas for working out with my husband. We’ve done P90X in the past and liked it, but personally I didn’t like the program that much (it felt very guy-centric at the time). He’s done more girly DVDs with me (Jackie personal trainer videos). Is there a newer system (Insanity, T25, etc) that you recommend?

   On the flip side, those of you who share a personal trainer with your SO, how do you like it? Any tips?

   1. We go to a co-ed bootcamp a few mornings a week and work out with a (different) trainer one other morning a week. I really like having that time with him, and he does with me, too. And getting out of the house to exercise when it is still dark is much easier together.

   2. I think that Insanity would be very couples friendly – and I got awesome results with it. My husband liked it because it reminded him of the conditioning workouts he did during college athletics. T25 is also good (and fast – the workouts are practically over before they start, but still provide pretty good results). My husband didn’t enjoy T25 as much. Some of the workouts have some fast choreography that felt too “dance” for his liking. He only did those a few times with me before giving up.

      1. Seconding that Insanity is definitely gender neutral and a killer workout. Because it’s body weight based and all intervals, the program naturally adjusts to all kinds of fitness levels, and being great in one portion (e.g.: some of the upper body stuff) doesn’t mean you won’t die in others (jumps, more cardio-based intervals). I’ve done it in mixed groups of age/gender/ability/fitness levels and it has always worked well. And exhausted everyone.

   3. I’ve made my husband do T25 and Insanity Max 30 with me, and he’s been impressed/exhausted by both :) While there’s a fair amount of coordination/complexity to the moves in both (and supposedly IM30 is a continuation of the T25 program) I think it’s a good workout.

      My husband tends to critique/correct my form when we work out together, and it annoys the cr@p out of me. YM (and husband) MV but that might be a good discussion to have & ground rules to set beforehand.

      1. Hahah! I thought it was just mine!

         When I go on runs with him, he sounds like my coach from college and refers to me by my last name. Think: ‘Smith, pick it up. Push it out. You call this a run? This is barely a light jog. No cheating on those pushups.’

         I love working out together, but there does come that moment where I seriously hope he trips and falls in a pile of dog doo…

         1. Yep – same w my husband. Seriously ruins the workout.

            1. Are you ladies also married to my husband?? The closest to working out “together” would be arriving at the gym in the same car.

         2. Hahahaha, that sounds hilarious from afar, but would irritate me immensely in your shoes.

         3. Hahahah, in contrast, I tend to “coach” my boyfriend – Cmon Smith!! Pick up your knees! Good, keep it going!

      2. Just curious, but how much space do you have to have to do T25 or Insanity in your house? Could you do it in a living room? Or do you really need a dedicated space/empty room?

         1. Living room is fine for both of those. There is some lateral movement (think the length of a yoga mat) and some jumping, but not in a long jumping sort of way.

   4. I’ve heard good things about PiYo, but my SO and I are big fans of Fitness Blender workouts. They’re free on YouTube and there’s a big variety.

      I mostly run, but I’ve been doing more of these and am noticing that the cross training is really helping me, specifically on my hill workouts.

   5. I preferred P90X3 to P90X. I can do either in my living room. I run with the BF sometimes but do anything else on my own.

   6. I like Ruthless better than Insanity because it is shorter while still being intense. It can be hard to fit in an hour workout but much harder to find an excuse for a 20 minute one.

      I have issues working out w/ my husband because he is at such a higher level of fitness than I am. A hard run for me is 3 miles (okay, at the moment, a mile). For him it is 10 miles. He also stays on a pretty strict fitness regimen so a workout with me is equivalent to a rest day for him. The videos were a good compromise. I also go to the gym w/ him on the weekends when it is “just” a lifting day. I find (apropos to our earlier discussion) even just lifting once a week my arms look better than when I don’t lift at all.

      When he goes on long runs, sometimes I will bike along with him. It is a much slower pace than I would normally bike but it still counts for something.

      The other thing we do is he will go run four miles say and then run by the house and we will do the next 2 or three together. He has longer legs than I do though and I feel like I’m always holding him back pace wise or pushing myself too much to keep up with him. If you are starting with the same level of fitness it is a lot easier.

      He is really bad at yoga though so its fun to do those DVD’s together. On the workout videos he tends to critique my form so I get to give it back on yoga days.

   7. My husband has done 30 day shred with me. He said he felt a little weird because it is kind of geared towards women, but he admitted that he got a good workout from it.

   8. My husband and I work out with a trainer together and its great. We do the same exercises but with different weight amounts. We both enjoy the time.

8. So, I am pretty much over the moon here because I just got my first bonus in. Six. Years.

   \o/

   1. yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

   2. Woo-hoo!!!!

   3. Woo hoo!

9. Very long, personal, TMI threadjack ahead (that very well may out me): does anyone have any experience with adopting after having a biological child or children?

   As background: I am married with a small child and a relatively high-pressure job. My husband and I always assumed that we’d have two kids, hopefully close enough in age that they would be able to play together (approx. five years apart or less). We each grew up with a sibling that we were relatively close to. We are both introverts and kind of nerdy/socially awkward, and we both believe that if it wasn’t for our siblings, our childhoods would have been painfully lonely. Our child is very close to both of us, but she really, really wants a little sibling and has been asking us nonstop when she can have one. (Of course, she also wants a pet brontosaurus and to change her name to Elsa, so we can’t put much stock in that. And it’s not like we’ve ever promised her anything, but she’s getting old enough that trying to dodge the issue only seems to make her press harder.)

   The problem is that I had some pretty serious complications with my firstborn. As a result, I was induced early, my baby barely avoided a NICU stay, and I wound up in the hospital again (without her) for several days shortly after being discharged. These issues were likely exacerbated in part by job stress (which has not improved since my first pregnancy), and I am at increased risk of these complications happening again, particularly now that I’m older, as well as for health issues down the road. And I’m terrified that complications would be worse the second time around (e.g. have to be induced months instead of weeks early).

   So for the past year or so, we’ve struggled with whether or not to try for a second child biologically. And I’ve decided very recently that I simply can’t risk doing this again. I’m surprisingly ok with this decision – I really didn’t like being pregnant (despite having a relatively easy pregnancy up until the last few weeks), and I wound up with mild to moderate postpartum depression (and borderline PTSD from the induction/hospitalization, etc.) as well. My husband is totally on board with this. But I desperately want to give my little one a sibling, even though I know there is no guarantee that even if we had a second, that they would be close/get along. My (only) sister also recently announced that she does not plan to have children (nor does my husband’s sibling). I respect their decisions, but the realization that my daughter will likely not have any cousins either hit me kind of hard.

   So now we’re considering looking into adoption. Prior to having her, I’d always been very pro-adoption (both intellectually and emotionally). I’d always said that if we couldn’t conceive naturally within a particular time period, we’d immediately default to adoption as opposed to IVF, surrogacy, etc. (No judgments – really – to those who feel differently or have taken different paths.) I have no doubt that if our firstborn had been adopted (i.e. we hadn’t had the experience of carrying her biologically and being there from day one), we’d love her just as if she was our biological child.

   I’m still (intellectually, rationally, politically) very pro-adoption. But now I’m struggling with whether I’d unconsciously/unknowingly feel differently toward an adopted child, now that I know what it feels like to have a child whom I’ve carried and bre@stfed, who looks like my husband and me, acts like my husband and me, etc. I know (rationally) that our genes aren’t that special (seriously), but I can’t help wonder if those sleepless nights, temper tantrums, cleaning up vomit, etc. would feel different with a child who we didn’t share that history with. I guess at bottom, my biggest fear is that my second child would feel less loved than the first. And I honestly can’t say whether that would be an issue. I hope not (and would do everything in my power to keep that from happening), but I feel like I wouldn’t know for certain until the adoption had gone through.

   I know I must sound like a truly terrible/narcissistic person for even admitting all this. Any advice (besides “get thee to a therapist, crazy lady!”), or experience, or words of comfort? I know you all aren’t psychic, but I’ve generally found the hive to be very wise and relatively kind.

   1. You don’t sound crazy at all. I don’t have advice because I don’t have kids. I just want you to know I also struggle with the decision whether to conceive naturally because of the detriment to my health. I have a medical condition that after much struggle has been in remission for several years. It is well documented that pregnancy hormones can make it flare again and it can be 10 times worse than before. I could end up disabled from the condition. I really feel I can’t risk that to have a biological child. My disease is so rare and understudied however so it is very hard to trust the data and most of it is anecdotes from message boards. I also feel like I can’t trust my medical professionals because they seem hell bent on helping everyone and anyone conceive naturally and I don’t feel any of them would ever honestly say to me “you really shouldn’t have biological children.” Medical professionals here, tell me if I’m wrong. Rather they all seem to say they would do their best to keep me and baby the healthiest while refusing to give an opinion on whether it is a wise decision for ME medically. My husband would be happy to have a child and would prefer biological but he 100% respects my decision to not risk my health and if my research is at all correct, he wouldn’t want to take the chance either. He, like me would just like better medical advice on the situation that seems impossible to get.

      I’ll be following your replies.

      1. I’m not a medical professional, but I have a friend who has been told very clearly by multiple doctors over the years that her health would be at risk were she to become pregnant, due to a medical condition that she’s had since childhood. I don’t know if she was explicitly told not to become pregnant, but she was definitely told that it would be dangerous and would at the very least require bed rest for a lot of the pregnancy.

   2. My SIL is adopted and there is simply zero chance that my ILs love her any less than their two biological children. Your children are your children no matter how you get them.

      1. I feel like this is what you’re supposed to say but what isn’t necessarily the truth.

         1. Obviously you are not a mom to both biological and adopted children. I am and there is no difference in the level of my love toward them. How they entered the family is different. Their stories are different. But each child is unique anyway. Even if you have biological children they have different stories as they have entered your lives at different times and impact you in different ways. Their needs may be different but that doesn’t mean you love them more or less. Just differently. Its the same with biological children.

   3. No personal experience but I have family friends who have a biological son and an adopted daughter and both kids are loved to pieces, equally. I think the fact that you’re asking these questions is a good thing and I don’t think you need therapy. I think that what makes you bond with a child isn’t the fact that you carried it or it has your genes but the fact that it needs you and you’re caring for it and each time you wipe their head when they’re sick or comfort them when they are afraid, you are bonding with them and that’s going to happen whether they are biological or not if you’re the type of person to bond in the first place. And kids mimic behavior, they’ll act like you even if they’re not sharing the same DNA.
      If you’re interested in more responses, try posting in the morning thread.

   4. I can’t really speak to the adoption issue, but I feel like I need to put in a good word for only children. My son is an only, and his dad and I were always completely okay with that, so he has always been completely okay with it too. He does have one cousin, but they are not particularly close, either in age or emotionally, and no way has she been a surrogate sibling. And honestly, with a high-stress job, having only one child is infinitely more manageable than having more than one.

      All of which is to say, I guess, that having an only child is far from the end of the world if that is how things end up for you.

   5. My mother is a therapist who has specialized in adoption issues with birth mothers, adopted children, and adoptive parents and has worked with many adoption agencies. Most agencies (or most decent agencies) would have resources available to you and it might be helpful to reach out to them as a first step, or to talk to other adoptive parents in your area.

      If you do choose to adopt, your adoptive child may face different issues than your biological child. There may be certain language that you can use with your biological child that has different implications for adoptive children. Your relationship will be different, just as it would be with any second child, but there will be additional issues at play.

      International adoptions have become increasingly difficult in the past few years, so I would consider domestic adoptions as well. Open adoptions are also more common, so consider how you would feel about that.

      This is not at all to dissuade you from adopting – I have many dear family friends who have been adopted, and they come from loving, wonderful families – some have relationships with their birth families as well, and some do not.

      This is not easy – I wish you the best of luck!

   6. and have a bio older sibling. We always planned to adopt irrespective of the bio kid. I do feel differently towards my adopted child. It’s very difficult to explain over the interwebs. I love her, and the love is growing (she’s only been with us for a year and she had some serious medical issues that we did not expect, which led to mixed feelings about it all/difficulty for me to attach to her), but it’s different from what I feel right now towards our bio kid.

      However,

      If you’re interested in adopting for the primary purpose of providing a sibling, I would encourage you to not adopt or rethink your motivations. Adoption is hard. You should only adopt if you want to parent a child who does not have parents. Or if you want to build your family and you’re open to doing it with a child who has suffered this primary loss. It’s incredibly bio-child focused to make this sort of decision because it would benefit your older child. And likewise, incredibly cruel to an adopted child to come into a home only to serve the function of being that older child’s little brother or sister. Adopted children are not pets.

      1. Building off We Adopted – I also always wanted to adopt after bio kids (and didn’t because of a bad marriage) but I don’t think you’ll have any problem loving an adopted child. A wanted child would become part of you like your bio kid. But We Adopted glances off something I think should be noted: A second child could impact your other child in negative ways as well as positive, so doing it just because you want her to have a sibling may not be the right rationale. Doing it because you have love to give, have space in your heart, want to add love to an already loved family – those are the good reasons. I wanted two because I wanted my kid to still have a part of family after his/her parents were dead and buried. I really lean on my siblings now that our parents are elderly and we have the shared history that we share with no others on the planet. That was my motivating factor.

         Just to play devil’s advocate – what if the adopted child later developed a major medical issue that made impacted your bio child’s life and made it change by 360 degrees? Would you regret your decision? That’s the harder question. Adopt if you need that child (whoever it turns out to be) to make your family complete and are willing to do it despite the unknowns.

      2. To build off this as well – we have 2 bio kids, but even with that I definitely don’t love both children “the same”, because they are different children with different personalities that came into our lives at different times.

         With the firstborn it was easier because we could give him 100% of the attention. With kid #2 it’s been more of a struggle, because we have to balance the needs of both kids, and there is enough of an age gap that its hard to do things with both of them together that they will both enjoy – plus they have just enough different personalities that they don’t have many overlapping interests. And I’ll admit that I just plain enjoy the things that the 8 year old can do now (play piano with me, read books that are actually interesting, watch movies that I care to see, do science projects etc) much more than the things the 3 year old likes to do with me (play toy trucks, read the same 3 picture books over and over, run from one activity to the next every 5 minutes, attempt to “cook” with me and turn the kitchen into a disaster scene) – so I have to be conscious not to default to doing the activities with the 8 year old all the time. But I also know that at some point my oldest will become a teen who doesn’t want to hang out with mom, and then I’ll be able to spend even more time with my youngest – who will soon grow into doing more “fun” things.

         I just wanted to put it out there that it is unlikely you will be able to love an adopted child in “the same way” as your bio child because it’s almost impossible to even with multiple bio kids – but that doesn’t mean you won’t still love both children, or that you will be doing the younger one a disservice because you can’t give them the same 100% attention as you did for the oldest.

         Last, I understand that you were strongly pro-adoption when it was a theoretical – but it’s ok to examine all your options now that it’s a possible, and you may decide that something like surrogacy is actually a better choice for where you and your family are at this moment – and that’s totally ok too. Or foster parenting, or having your daughter as an only child. You and your husband need to decide what’s best for the family you are now, for all of you – not just whether your daughter is better off with a sibling.

         1. Thanks so much for this. Our kids are also a few years apart and it never occurred to me that the distance that I was feeling was not related to adoption but more because I enjoy the things that I can do with the older one more than the stuff toddlers want/like/need to do.

   7. I have a cousin who is adopted – her 3 siblings are not and she was actually adopted after two and before the 4th. (They had miscarriage issues). I think she has a tough time being different than her siblings but that can happen with bio kids too – and she’s *my* favorite cousin, so I’m happy I get her in my family!

      Only children seem happy too but I love having a sibling on my team for life especially when dealing with our own family. Not everyone with a sibling gets that though. Anyone – adopted or bio – can end up awesome or terrible.

   8. This is probably way too late, but here it goes anyways. An older woman I greatly respect recently told me that she was very close to adopting after she had 2 biological children, and decided not to at the last minute because she was worried she would love the child less. She said that she realizes in retrospect that there is no limit to that kind of love, and she really wishes she had gone ahead with it. Those hard early years are so short.

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11. I’m adopting, and honestly – the fact that you’re considering potential issues like this is a great sign. The adoption process is super rough, and adopted kids (even if adopted at infancy) are frequently going to have issues with abandonment and identity. I feel really bad for kids I know with adoptive parents who portray adoption as rainbows and sunshine, rather than talking openly and honestly about their children’s feelings about being adopted. I think you’ll be fine, your child is your child and it’ll end up not mattering to you at ALL, but I really encourage you to READ ABOUT ADOPTION before you start (something that shockingly few people do). The books tend to be terrifying and present worst case scenarios, but it’s best to be prepared for the worst. (Also, this is something you’ll come across if you read, but please please don’t adopt a minority child (who is not your own race) unless you live in a diverse community with other people of the same race or are willing to move to one for the sake of your child and do everything in your power to constantly expose that child to other members of his or her race.)

12. Is a a law school clinical fellowship considered prestigious? Tier 1 university. I’m not an academic and trying to explain to my spouse how this would be perceived in my local legal market.

    1. Does this mean that you will be a supervising attorney to student attorneys in a clinic run by a law school?

       1. Yes.

          1. Yes. At my T14 law school the clinical fellows were from like T3 schools.

13. I’d put it on par with being adjunct faculty, but maybe a step down from that. We have a lot of practicing attorneys that also teach legal writing small sections for 1Ls – I might put it on par with that.

    My school (Top 20) had a pretty extensive clinical program facilitated by clinical faculty and lawyers in practice, and there was always a bit of divide between the clinical faculty (supervise clinic and teach class) and the “regular” academic faculty. Such that even clinical faculty isn’t considered on the same level as being an academic law professor. So, then apply that to adjunct faculty.

    On the other hand, it can depend on the type of work the clinic is doing – Innocence Project is going to be different than bankruptcy clinic.

14. Thanks, the comments are interesting. The previous fellows graduated from Columbia, Yale, and Stanford, which is becoming fairly standard at T1 schools. This clinic is well-regarded nationally and is taught by tenured faculty, most from T 20 schools (no one from T2 or T3, or “like T3”). There are no private practitioners teaching in the clinic, just the tenured faculty and the fellows. The fellowship hiring is a competitive process and you are expected to publish and go on the meat market after the fellowship. I think the perception of it will vary depending on when someone graduated from law school; there has been an uptick in valuing experential learning in recent years and securing these positions has become very competitive. I know for certain that its valued higher than adjunct. I guess I’m answering my own question, but it has been helpful to “talk” it out. :)

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