ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 233 Comments

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Balina Jacket

Joie Balina Jacket | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Piperlime is closing at the end of this month, which means there are some crazy deals to be had (but lots of lucky sizes). This tweed blazer, still available in M and L, was $425, but is now marked to $395 — take an extra 40% off and it comes down to $195. Not bad for a cool tweed moto jacket. (I'm also in love with this blouse, even though, yes, a strapless bra is most likely required for it… sigh. Wouldn't it look just perfect beneath a blazer?)  Joie Balina Jacket Also: Just in case you make purchasing decisions based on the sales at the brand's sister stores (I know I do), note that today, BR is offering an extra 40% off sale styles (and card members can take an extra 40% off regular styles), Athleta is offering 20% off dresses, Gap is offering 40% off sweaters and tops and 30% off everything else, and Old Navy is offering 30% off regular price items, and 20% off sale. As for the pictured jacket: here's a more affordable version (on sale for $40!) and a similar plus-size version. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

233 Comments

  1. Arg! Today I am wearing my brand new, never-been-worn navy pants from Talbot’s. I was feeling pretty cute in a nice, springy outfit, but when I got to work I noticed a two-inch hole in the inseam of the pants right near the knee. I guess I’ll be keeping my knees together all day, like a lady.

    The upside is that I chatted with a Talbot’s customer service person who agreed to send me a prepaid return label when I explained that I didn’t think I should have to pay to return defective merchandise.

  2. I am going to London for a week in mid-May and need some comfortable shoes. I’d like something with some support that are still cute. Any recommendations?

    4. These probably don’t have the support you are looking for, but I have spent days walking all around in my vans and they are always very comfortable. Another one I have walked all over in are the mary jane style sketchers with the zig zag Velcro strap.

    5. I really like my Sven clogs, and they come in sandal styles too. I find them to be a less clunky/more fun than Danskos. Good arch support and have treated me well through long days od walking.

    6. Assuming casual:

      I just bought a pair of the Skechers version of Toms (Bobs) and they’re incredibly comfortable. There’s a memory foam liner. The best thing is that they pack down to almost nothing so I would take a pair to have has an alternate shoe for a day halfway through your week.

      Other than that, if you find a pair of cute sneakers, go with those. My London 2012 volunteer trainers gave up the ghost in February and I replaced them with a pair of Nike Max Airs (not Air Max, bizarrely). I can walk 10 or more miles and not feel it at all.

    7. My favorites comfortable walking shoes are Skechers, Converse and doc martens.

      1. Converse with a good insole are my favorites. Runners up would be Josef Seibel ‘Caspian’ sneakers.

    8. I like Teva shoes/sandals for walking. Great support and many styles of casual flats, sandals, sneakers to pick from.

  3. Where do you shop for basic sweatshirts / cotton sweaters? I am looking for something nice but casual and young/trendy (think: Helmut Lang, Wildfox, etc.). I am looking to spend $150-250 per piece. Thank you!

    4. Everywhere?

      Is it just me or are basic sweatshirts the new normal? I cannot seem to find work appropriate sweaters because everything is in the “sweatshirt” style, including cashmere!

  4. I think this jacket is sold out – I can’t find it on the site. Too bad!

  5. Kat, did you delete comments on the Of Mercer post that were critical of the brand/styling? I noticed that mine seems to be gone, as does the one to which I was replying.

      1. Me too. IIRC, in past years, comments have been closed on the sponsored posts for exactly this reason, which isn’t ideal but would be my preference rather than deleting criticism. If I were the brand, I’d want to hear feedback, both positive and negative.

    6. Yep, Lorelai Gilmore is correct. Those comments were on the morning post, not a post on the Of Mercer giveaway.

  6. I’m moving from the frozen tundra to a milder climate and need to lighten up my work wardrobe. I wear dresses and skirts often and usually pair them with heavy tights. I’m not a fan of bare legs or nude stockings and was wondering if anyone had recommendations for a brand of light weight or sheer hose so that I may conceal my pasty white legs. I searched this site for older posts and saw a few suggestions from back in 2008 but thought I’d engage the hive as well. Any recommendations are greatly appreciated!

    1. I’m too cheap to keep myself in stock of hose, so I just use Jergens moisturizer that has a bit of self-tanner.

    2. In spring and early fall I sometimes wear sheer hose. I’m a big fan of Leggs Sheer Energy, which you can get in any drugstore. A similar but sheerer style is Leggs Silken Mist.

    3. I know you’ve asked for hose recommendations, but when I’m in a no-hose mood, I use Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs. Works very well, and doesn’t rub off once set.

    4. I’m not sure the exact brand name, but if you can find an asian or chinese clothing store near you, or perhaps even a daiso (not sure if they sell sheer hose there), I find the ones I buy at asian clothing stores are always nice and last quite a while.

    5. I’m like you. Leg maintenance is beyond my capabilities, and reveals my insecurities.

      I wear pants a lot in spring/summer for this reason.

      I am going to try Jergens BB Body on my legs this year. It is more for “hiding” imperfections. I have been wary of self-tanner as I didn’t want my legs to look different from the rest of my body, but might try that too.

      I also have several pairs of “sheerish” colored hose, that are a step down from tights. They are a little tricky at times, and finding things that work depends on your color palate (coloring and clothes). I have gotten away with a navy, chocolate brown and grey. Always match either the skirt or the shoe color, of course. It can be quite flattering. I wear with heels and it makes my legs look nice and long, and I often get compliments. I will often wear heels with a pop of color, to help lighten up the look if it looks too heavy for the season.

      1. Carrie… Yes, I think we are similar. I use lotion and shave regularly but my legs are so… darn… white! It’s distracting!! And I’m afraid self-tanner will make my bottom half look like an oompa loompa! I may experiment with a few of the recommended tanners above (Thanks RB and Anon!) but I think sheers will be the way to go (thanks Tesyaa and anonsg). Great suggestion about matching the skirt or shoes to lengthen the leg!

        1. I have similar colored legs and most hosiery brand’s colors are too orangy “sun-tan” for me. I like the palest color at Talbots and find that they last longer than Hue or Hanes or drug store brands. I think the color is “light nude” as opposed to nude.

          Once it’s really warm here in Seattle I swear by Neutrogena’s foam self-tanner. I exfoliate and shave then moisturize the day before, then shave and exfoliate again and apply the #3 color two days in a row, then I use the #2 the next day and by then the color is even and not blotchy. Then in following weeks using #2 on Monday and Thursday or Friday keeps the color even and good all week. The Neutrogena isn’t orange at all and isn’t oompa-loompa jarring with the rest of me.

          2. Thanks!! I will check Talbots! And I will try Neutrogena’s foam tanner. Go Team Pasty Legs! :)

    6. Is there anything wrong with having fair colored legs? Maybe I’m a little sensitive as I don’t tan and am sensitive to tanning lotions, but at some point, can’t we just embrace our varying shades of color?

      1. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. I just choose to conceal my legs at work and was looking for advice on how to do so. My original question was for different types of light weight/sheer hose but I received some tanner recommendations that I plan to check out. And I also don’t tan. Never have. I refer to my legs as “pasty white” affectionately. I love who I am! :D

        So if you are fair skinned and want to represent your shade then do you boo boo! *long distance high fives!

      1. I like nude tiny fishnets, too. They’re more like tights, less like hose, and the subtle texture makes them more interesting (and also more obscuring of the numerous veins & scars on my legs.) I find them way more comfortable – and less ‘my mom’s generation’ than hose, too. My office is biz-caz (in SF, which makes it quite caz) so nude fishnets might get a different reception elsewhere.

      2. Same. Oroblu nude fishnets from Nordstrom are a staple of my spring and fall transitional wardrobes.

        1. I hadn’t considered nude fishnets!! Thanks for the recommendation ladies! I’ll check them out this weekend.

  7. I need some advice ladies. I’m currently seeing a really great guy after being single for a couple years. My last boyfriend completely broke my heart so I was a little gunshy for a while after that breakup.

    Things in this new relationship are going so well and he treats me so well. I’m really happy with him. Except the last couple of days, I’ve been frustrated, due to work things mostly. He’s not doing anything wrong at all. He’s being supportive and has been listening to me vent. But for some reason, I’m finding myself frustrated with him and wanting to pick a fight over virtually nothing. I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this and I can’t talk to him about it because it just makes me sound crazy.

    I’ve managed to keep my frustration in check but I really don’t want to slip up and start a fight over absolutely nothing. Any advice?

    thanks in advance ladies

      1. I’m pretty sure it’s not hormonal because I’m on the pill but PMS definitely causes me to act irrationally at times…

        1. Dude – I think I was MORE emotional (usually presenting as unaccountably annoyed) on the pill than I was off of it, but I’ve never had a really bad PMS swing while off the pill either.

          1. So much this. I’m on the pill and get all the emotions right at the end of the active pills–especially the feelings OP describes–being annoyed for no reason and wanting to pick fights even though I know it’s irrational. My doctor actually just switched me to a different pill that has estrogen in all but 2 of the “placebo” pills in attempt to reduce this emotional crush, but I haven’t started the new pack yet to know how well it works.

        2. Ya I had to try a couple different pills before I found one where I could be emotionally stable.

    2. Oh I’ve been there. It’s an odd feeling because rationally you’re happy about having a supportive person in your life, but then you want to sabotage it. For me, I realized that it was a pattern due to previous unhealthy relationships (I didn’t have someone who actually stuck by me through the crap as a partner) and I didn’t have a good way to release my general frustrations. So, at the recommendation of a therapist, I literally started screaming into my pillow at the end of each day. I felt like an insane person. But seriously, it helped. For me there was something about yelling (which normally would only happen in a fight with my SO) that could really help me release my anger. In the end, I realized it wasn’t about him it was about me; I ended up marrying him and no longer have the urge to pick fights for no reason.

      1. I actually think you may have a point here – I probably am subconsciously trying to sabotage things or push him away before I get really invested and he leaves me. I’ve been really hesitant to actually talk to him about how frustrated I’ve been at work because I don’t want to be the needy girlfriend (which I know is irrational and likely connected to my ex).

        He said something a couple days ago that just rubbed me the wrong way and I think it’s probably because my ex would say things like that to avoid be committal. I understand logically that my new guy is such a different (and much better) person but I’m still so scared…

        1. Honestly, I pulled a Chandler and did the opposite of what my gut told me for a bit. The push away thing is real and I think at one point I said, I’m really frustrated with a lot of things but not you. And then I repeated that until it stuck. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because my instinct was to push/run to keep someone from getting close. I think if there had been multiple things, I’d have run it by a friend to make sure it wasn’t my bias, but I was honest enough that I was just being a schmuck.

      2. Ha, I do this. Whenever I have a streak of pure happiness in a relationship, I find myself nitpicking, becoming demanding, and generally being terrible. I don’t think I’ve completely torpedoed any relationships with these mood swings, but who knows?

        I find what works for me is to pull away a little bit (by simply not calling/texting first), so that he reaches out to me with affection, which is what I wanted anyway. YMMV, of course.

    3. Your frustration with work is trying to find an outlet and he is the natural target since he is close to you. I have run into the same issues in the past with my DH (trying to pick a fight when I’m frustrated with work), and made a conscious decision that this was completely unfair to him. I handle by venting to a close female work friend when I’m frustrated with. I find this to be more effective than venting to DH because my colleague understands the issues much better and just listens and sympathizes with my frustrations, whereas hubby would always make completely unhelpful/unrealistic suggestions about how to fix. I also make a conscious effort to identify when I’m frustrated (I mentally tell myself, “you are frustrated with x, you still need to be nice to people despite that) so that I’m aware when interacting with others not to take my frustration out on them. This helps me focus on the source of my frustration rather than taking it out on others.

      1. My fiancé and I will straight-up tell each other “I’m super grumpy today!” when we’re dealing with a bunch of work stress. It works well for us because it forces the grumpster to acknowledge that they’re having a crap day, gives the other person the opportunity to see how/if they can help, and avoid a ton of unnecessary stupid arguments because one of us is in a bad mood over something that has literally nothing to do with the other person.

    4. I went through this. I think I didn’t know how to be “stressed out” and “in a weeks-long-bad-mood” while in the relationship.

      Personally, I would suggest talking to your SO about what you’re going through. I know you say that you’ve kept your frustration in check, which I interpret to meant that you think he doesn’t know what’s going on. But, I wonder if he’s picked up on some hints.

      And if he hasn’t picked up on hints, then I think it’s even more important to talk to him about it, so that he knows what’s going on with you. A big part of relationships is learning how the other person ticks, and figuring out how to respond. I don’t think you’re doing him, yourself, or your relationship any favors by pretending that things are okay. I am not suggesting that you be super-emotional or overbearing or anything. I think that you can talk to him about what you’re going through without sounding crazy. If you approach it in a matter-of-fact way, letting him know what’s going on with you, I don’t think you’d come across as crazy.

      1. +1

        I just went through a recent weeks-long-bad-mood and I think my SO wasn’t sure what to do with me. (We’re both pretty happy-go-lucky people, so this doesn’t usually last.) FWIW, the very short story for what helped me a lot was a long rant, followed by a short run, followed by what I’m hoping will be a new morning habit of getting up early enough that I’m not rushing all over the house trying to get out the door to work on time. Before I was just starting my day off on the wrong foot.

      2. Yes, please don’t keep it bottled up! I understand where the fear of telling him comes from, but strong relationships are built on communication. IMO it’s much easier to continue with good communication, then try to fix bad communication (although it absolutely can be done). My suggestion is to (a) tell him that you are frustrated/grumpy/upset about work/xyz, and not him (as suggested above), (b) tell him that there will be times that you just want to vent or talk about something but that you don’t want him to fix it and that when those times arise you will tell him so, (c) tell him what you need/want from him (I need alone time to chill out, I need to go for a run, I need you to cuddle me, whatever), and (d) repeat “he is not my ex, he is not my ex, he is not my ex” as needed. :)

        And if he says something that upsets you, tell him! But do it in an “I feel XYZ” way, not a you did this kind of way.

        1. +1000

          Direct communication (this is how I feel / this is what I need from you) makes everything much easier. And I find that to be true in ALL relationships.

      3. This is all very good advice ladies – thank you.

        I’m usually pretty direct with him but was second guessing myself. I will be more direct about this. And yes definitely need to keep reminding myself that he’s not my ex.

        1. When I first started dating my now-husband I was badly scarred by a previous relationship and kept looking for signs that my husband was “the same” as my ex. I made a choice to move forward and leave the past in the past. It’s easier said than done, but talking about my fears with my husband really helped me realize how he and my ex are worlds apart.

    5. Yay! Good answer’s ladie’s! I am late to the party (again) b/c of all of the billeing’s I have to do, but I did want to state that I think that there may be some residueal disdain for your ex, who you left under bad terms and you are rejecting him as an OUTGROWTH of your failed previous releationship, b/c men are generaly untrustworthy and will say/do anything to park in your garage. So if that is what is going on, onley time will fix, but make sure he is legitimate in what he says before you and he have sex, especialy if you think he is sending picture’s of his winkie over INSTAGRAM to other women.

  8. I could use some perspective from the awesome women here. I’m having a difficult time with a co-worker. She reports directly to another department, but she is assigned to support my boss. She recently replaced a very experienced, capable person, and this woman is not as knowledgeable or skilled (which is not unexpected). My boss generally leaves it to the team to make things run smoothly (after my boss, I lead the team). This woman is not stepping up, which means I (and other members of the team) don’t have the information we need to do our jobs (along with other issues). When I spoke to her about this, in an effort to figure out what the problem was in our getting the information we needed and how we could make sure we are getting accurate information, she got angry/defensive , taking the position that “I support your boss, not you, and if you have a problem with my work, talk to my boss in the other department.”

    While she is assigned to help my boss, her work is meant to support his team, so I don’t believe my requests or instructions to her have been out of line. I’d like to deal with this without getting my boss involved, but I will if necessary.

    Any suggestions about how to handle the situation?

    Many thanks.

    1. Maybe your boss / her other dept boss need to be involved to clarify for her (and for you) exactly what her duties are. It sounds like she needs to be told that part of supporting your boss IS supporting you.

    2. I don’t think it’s your issue to solve, and while I think she’s being quite frustrating/literal to the management hierarchy, sounds like she’s correct in that she takes directions from her actual boss. Raise it to your boss who then would raise it to her direct boss.

      1. Thanks to both of you. I hate to make it my boss’s problem, but that may be the best way to proceed. I appreciate the perspective. Anonny, you put your finger on a tendency of mine to step into issues that aren’t really mine to solve (out of a desire to help, but still not my role). TNT, your comments were just dynamite (I’m sorry, I’ll show myself out).

  9. Good morning, ladies! Do any of you either regret spending what you did on your wedding or look back and wish you had not cheaped out?

    SO and I are in the early stages of planning and some days I agonize about how irresponsible it feels to spend money on a wedding, but other days I convince myself that we have the rest of our lives to be financially responsible and that I’ll look back and regret not having the wedding we wanted. We are in our mid-late 20’s and graduated law school 2 years ago. We both work in small law firms and don’t make great money, but we’ve managed to save a little bit (and expect/hope that we’ll be making more eventually), so our wedding won’t put us into debt. However, as someone that grew up with not a lot of money and very financially responsible parents, it gives me anxiety to think about spending $10K-15K of our savings (in addition to the $15K my parents have offered us) to have the wedding we want. For what it’s worth, we live in a fairly HCOL area, so spending less means bad food, cheesy photography, a clearance rack dress, and a generic banquet hall. Honestly, at that point, I’d almost rather elope, but the thought of not sharing that day with our loved ones breaks my heart.

    Do any of you that have been through this have any advice? anecdotes? words of comfort? TIA!

    1. I don’t have any regrets about going a teensy bit over our budget. The thing that helped me most was someone gave me the advice of choosing 2-3 items that are the most important to you. Is it food? Flowers? Paper? Booze? Once you nail down those and allocate your budget accordingly, it will help you avoid the feeling that you “cheaped out” on anything because you put your money behind the things you really wanted.

      Example: we ordered our flowers online and did super simple centerpieces ourselves, spent probably under $400 on flowers total. When someone asked me what they looked like I literally could not remember, and I don’t care. They weren’t important to me!

      1. We did something similar with our flowers – but I regret it! At the time, I couldn’t bear spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on flowers, and consequently, I ordered too few. In photos, the table centerpieces look sad and cheesy to me (and this is five years later!) I loved our wedding, otherwise. I wish I’d just swallowed deeply and ponied up a bit more for the flowers. I love fresh flowers and often have them in the house…. so it would’ve made sense to prioritize them at the wedding.

        “Chose three things” to focus on is good advice. For us, it was location/ food (in house caterer), photos, and my dress. (Hence the forgettable flowers)

    2. The only thing I regret about our finances and our wedding was when being unable to spend more meant less time with the people we loved. We threw our wedding for about $8000, and it was small. If I had a bigger budget I would have invited more people. We also had the reception some distance away from the ceremony, mostly for cost reasons. With more money, I think we would have tried to have the reception and ceremony on the same site (easier for people and we would have gotten to spend more time with everyone instead of traveling). Everything else that we cut costs on – flowers, mediocre food, we did our own music instead of having a DJ, etc… – those things just don’t matter in the long run.If you have a great day planned with people who love you, that’s what is important. If you need to spend more to have more people-time, I think that’s worth it. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

      1. +1. I am glad we spent the money we did to have the people we cared about there, but I wish we’d cut more corners otherwise (except for our priority items like our photographer). At the end of the day, it’s just one day and most people don’t notice your flowers or how many hors d’oeuvres you have!

    3. I also came from a low-income background and would have been happy to elope for budgetary reasons. However, my husband wanted a wedding and I was very happy with ours. I think budget is subjective based on your area’s cost of living, but in my opinion, I think you should give yourself permission to have the wedding you want as long as you’re not going into debt for it.

      We had aimed for a $10k wedding in Raleigh (about 75 people) and went only a little over that. In my experience, having that financial anxiety (as long as the anxiety doesn’t become overwhelming) made individual wedding decisions a lot easier for us, as it narrowed our field of options. For instance, I went to a lovely bridal boutique for my dress, but didn’t get the $2000 dress I loved best; instead I got an $800 sample from the previous season and a $250 credit for accessories. Also, we had a Friday night wedding, which saved us a lot versus Saturday afternoon.

      My best splurge was for a day-of coordinator. It felt optional at first, but when I realized I didn’t want to make any of our friends (or us) deal with that stress, it was easier to accept. She was worth every penny.

      One last tip: Never be afraid to try to negotiate on any costs.

    4. I don’t regret what we spent on our wedding at all. In fact, I wish I’d invited more people, as our budget basically allowed us to have a nice wedding for 75 people. After immediate family, first cousins (ONLY), close family friends and our parents’ guests (they each got to invite two people, so eight guests total which is more than 10% of our total wedding…), we got to invite basically 10 friends.

      I wish I’d been willing to spend the extra $$ to have more friends attend. I realize now that in the long run, you’ll never be happy with everything, but I do occasionally wish that I’d worried less about the budget.

      Also, I wish I’d had a day of coordinator (expense cut because BUDGET.)

    5. We had a 300 person church/country club wedding that was the norm in our area, spent about $16-$18 thousand. In hindsight, I wish we had gotten married at city hall with our immediate families and taken the rest of the money to do a once in a lifetime type trip. The wedding was a lot of fun, but it was too big to spend any real quality time with any of the guests.

    6. I am getting married this fall. One way that we realized what was important to us for our wedding, was what we remembered about other weddings. For example… I was like I don’t think I care about flowers at our wedding and then I would see if I could remember anyone’s flowers and I couldn’t so obviously its not that important for me.

      Ways we are cutting expenses:
      Having a DJ verse Band
      The very minimal table decorations/flowers
      No bridal party – we are instead asking friends to be part of the service to do readings etc but not having to worry about bridesmaids gifts, outfits, hair etc deciding who pays for what – saves a lot of money (and my friends are happier wearing what they want to wear
      No cake – instead we are having a dessert table with a variety of desserts
      Doing our wedding on a Sunday (of a 3 day weekend so I don’t really feel bad for friends who have to travel…its not another day off work for them)
      No videographer
      No engagement ring

      One way we are saving money strangely enough is having a wedding planner – she is keeping us on budget, she has deals with vendors in the area, she knows how to save dollars fast (like who knew square envelopes require more shipping than rectangle???? simple things like that she knows and it is saving us money)

      One of the most happiest weddings I have been to was a potluck. I think at all budgets you can do something that is fun and meaningful. A friend of mine just got a gorgeous dress in an almond color. It wasn’t a wedding dress so she probably saved thousands of dollars. I really like the blog Heart of Light. She has a ton of posts about her wedding. But on 100 layer cake she wrote about her budget: http://www.100layercake.com/blog/2011/11/16/how-to-plan-and-budget-a-diy-wedding/

      1. With the square envelopes – that’s the Large Letter stamp, right? The first year of the two letter sizes, Royal Mail cleaned up on charging for over-large Christmas cards.

        1. Posting the cards in the USA so the USA charges more for square because apparently their machines can’t handle them. No clue on Royal Mail …. but didn’t want to send 180 Save the Dates from the UK that were all going to the USA.

    7. I’ll be honest, I could’ve done without my wedding – it was a great day and people still (years later) talk about what a great party it was, so I wouldn’t go so far as to say I regret it, but it was an expense that I’m still conflicted about.

      Individual things that were worth the expense:
      – Good food
      – An experienced venue – my venue was an all-inclusive that basically did only weddings, so their staff was absolutely on-point. It cost a little more up-front than hiring the location and the caterer and everything else individually would have, but it also included things (day-of coordinator, one waiter per table instead of the half-as-many I would’ve hired on my own, etc.) that I never would’ve spent on that turned out to be very useful
      – A really good DJ/MC who worked extensively with us beforehand to make sure he understood our taste instead of just hitting play on some standard wedding routine
      – A photo booth – it gave folks who don’t dance something fun to do
      – Open bar

      Things that were not worth what we spent:
      – Our photographer – we paid more for the “best,” and my favorite shots turned out to be candids taken by our friends; you definitely do want a photographer, but you don’t need to spend a fortune on it
      – Flowers – our florist’s arrangements were great, but they didn’t really affect anyone’s overall enjoyment of the day, and we could’ve used a much less expensive option without materially altering the day

      In general, I think it’s best to plan to spend more on things that will enhance your guests’ experience (food, beverage, music, activities). If your guests are having fun, you will have fun. It’s really that simple.

    8. It seems like your choice is between having a “nice” (good food, more upscale venue, etc.) event with less people or a bigger guest list and cheaper stuff. When I was in your position, I chose less people and cut out all extended family. I know not everyone would make this choice, but it was a second wedding for my husband and most of my family is overseas, so it wasn’t that hard to make this call. If you’re willing and able to DIY and have talented friends you can enlist to help, you might avoid this basic compromise.

    9. The only regret I have is that I wish I had used a better photographer (my husband pushed for a family friend and I gave in). My parents paid for the wedding and I tried to do everything as cost-conscious as possible. Any major splurges were because my mom wanted them. I would suggest deciding the top three things that are important to you (and that you are willing to splurge on) and go from there. That way you know what you can save on, so you can divert money toward the things that are important to you.

    10. Our families contributed most of the money for our wedding; but I will say that we took an (for us) extravagant honeymoon and I don’t regret a dime.

      My only regret as to cost was the photographer we chose. My MIL paid for the photographer, so we went with one of the “best” in the area (that she liked), but who I didn’t like. Right from the beginning he tried to change our schedule to accommodate his shooting schedule for the day, he tried to sneak in extra costs (when we had the ‘planning meeting’ he recited a schedule that was 2 hours longer than the package we’d paid for (btw his excuse was – ‘I don’t look at the budget because I’m trying to plan the best arrangement for you,’ really? bc it seems like you want to get paid for two more hours)), and was frankly miserable to work with.

      As with any other purchase, your regret will come from paying too much for too little value. I regret that this photographer got paid at all (even though it was my MIL’s money). I don’t regret paying for the band – which was more expensive but awesome.

      So I guess my unsolicited advice is – choose vendors that you will enjoy interacting with on the day of your wedding, you can end up spending a lot of time with them (hair, makeup, photographer, etc.).

    11. I had a very small wedding ceremony followed by dinner at a local restaurant and still spent around $10k.
      My only regrets: the $1500 I spent on a wedding dress (+$500 in alterations and rush fees) and the $500 I spent on flowers
      The best things we did: spend $1200 on high quality photography for the ceremony (4 hours total) and bought a wedding cake from a local grocery store (which was so delicious!)

      We had $20k to spend and decided to spend the rest of the budget on the most amazing trip to Europe. The $10k we spent on our honeymoon resulted in so many amazing memories and experiences, and I’m so glad to have allocated our budget that way.

      If I had it to do again… I would have limited our wedding budget to about $5k. We’d have done the flowers ourselves and I’d have worn a JCrew or similar wedding dress. But otherwise, I’m so happy we kept it small and intimate. And really did things in a way that let us feel comfortable.

    12. Our wedding was great, and we came in about 15% under budget. I think the important thing to do is prioritize and customize your wedding to your needs. We spent on a beautiful venue and a pair of photojournalist-style photographers, but saved in other places.

      – I’ve never had the white wedding gown dream, so I had a c*cktail dress custom made for $600
      – We had Mexican food instead of more traditional wedding fare, and offered only beer, wine, and sangria instead of a full open bar
      – We didn’t hire a band or DJ, but just set up ipod playlists

      Ultimately, the wedding we had was really our wedding, not the wedding industrial complex idea of a wedding.

    13. We got married young and while still in school and our parents were unable to help at all, so we had a very small wedding. My husband also has a very big extended family (10 aunts/uncles on EACH side, plus their kids, etc.) and we knew that if we invited any of his aunts we had to invite them all, so we decided just to have a very small ceremony with only close family. I am sometimes a little sad that my extended family was not there, but I did not think it would be fair to invite my (only) aunt and none of his. But we were not willing to take on any debt for it and sometimes his mom mentions that we should have a big vow renewal for our 10th anniversary this year, but now at this point where we could afford the big party there are so many other things I would rather spend that money on. Also, my husband’s father died of cancer 6 months after we got married and it was most important to him that his dad was there for it, so when I think about that I have no regrets at all.

    14. The most useful thing that my husband and I did was to sit down at the beginning and talk through what we wanted from our wedding. We determined that our priority was going to be the people we love rather than the design details and we let that drive all of our spending decisions. For example, we started with the guest list and made it as inclusive as possible, including plus ones for everyone. We also covered some travel expenses for family and close friends for whom travel to our wedding would have been a financial hardship.

      We spent enough on catering to get someone well-recommended with good food, but the food was straightforward, delicious comfort food and not very expensive. We had an open bar and transportation to/from the hotels to the reception because we wanted people to have a good time while being responsible.

      So, the things we spent money on were as follows:
      — Venue/rentals
      — Food (I’m a huge foodie, but realized that spending a ton of money on an artisanal farm to table menu was totally unnecessary)
      — Open bar (we were able to provide our own booze, which made a big difference in cost)
      — Travel expenses for some family/friends
      — Transportation for guests to/from reception

      Things that I don’t regret spending none or very little money on:
      — Invitations (we sent emails to everyone except elderly family members)
      — No wedding website (not needed because we put all the info in the emails)
      — Candles for centerpieces
      — No flowers (even though I love flowers; didn’t miss the flowers at all)
      — No bridal party (we didn’t want to feel like we were honoring certain family/friends and leaving others out)
      — Wore an evening gown instead of traditional bridal gown
      — No professional hair and makeup (my sister did it for me)
      — Bought inexpensive rings
      — Wedding cake (we did a small cake and a bunch of pies)
      — No favors (no one ever cares about these anyways)
      — No DJ (ipod playlist and a microphone for a friend who we’d asked to MC)
      — No photographer (asked some friends with nice cameras to take pictures and send the files to us as a wedding present which turned out great)
      — No videographer (although I asked a friend to record the toasts)

      Generally speaking, my advice is to figure out what matters to you as a couple and then focus on that and let the other stuff go. In my case, I let the design-oriented stuff go and focused on the people. That’s what I remember years later and that’s what was worth spending on the money on.

    15. Honestly, I regret having a wedding at all–it was stressful and exhausting, and I didn’t like being the center of attention. My husband wanted his friends and family there, though, so we put on a small and inexpensive but classy wedding. If I could do it all over, here’s what I would change:

      1. Buy a new dress in the correct size instead of buying a floor sample and having it altered by three sizes.
      2. Skip the obnoxious DJ (we got married before the age of the iPod).
      3. Spend more for a better photographer. I agreed to go with an inexpensive and inexperienced photographer to avoid conflict, and we ended up hating all the photos.

    16. I think photographs are so important. I got married 15 years ago and I look back at my pictures which are Ok but the ones I am getting now of my kids are just awesome and look so much better. I am not sure if it was becasue I got married in a rural area or if the equipment is better or if I just know my style better. I prefer a more “planned candid” style with my kids photos and my wedding photos all look stiff and formal to me.

    17. We spent less than your total budget but more than your personal savings contribution. All of it came from our own savings, and I regret nothing.

      If I’d had my druthers, we would have had a small wedding (~25 people at home or the court house, probably). But, it was really important to my husband to be inclusive and to celebrate with/honor our community, so we ended up with about 160 in a church (dinner and dancing after). Honestly, it was fabulous. I didn’t love the planning, and even still, if I were to plan another wedding where I was marrying myself, I might well do something really small. But, the values my husband wanted to express in the big(wish) wedding are important to me too, and we spent the money in ways that reflected them. I feel comfortable with that.

    18. All these responses are really helpful. I’m about to get married and am at the second-guessing stage.

      We have big families, but fairly spread out between them and friends, so are having about 110 (with a 60% yield). Ultimately, it was important for me to throw a great party that felt like us. He did this once before, had very little input, and was told he wasn’t allowed to invite all the family members he wanted. It caused some family schisms and was the driving factor behind the size of the wedding.

      It’s about 30k total, with about 20% coming from my parents. About 60% is going to the venue with a full sit-dow dinner. (Food was very important to us). We’re right at budget and can afford it, although I was hoping to spend less. Thing is, most of what wasn’t important to me was important to the groom or my mom (live band, flowers, full bar), so we didn’t cut costs there. And I wanted a venue that handled everything, so I didn’t have to worry about any sort of extra rentals. I did get a dress at bhldn that was only $1000 and needed $100 in hemming — I’d also look at nordstrom, tadashi shoji, any other designers you like, for white gowns that don’t have the wedding markup. I went with simple, seasonal flowers, although I considered forgoing centerpieces completely. No favors. I had a local printer due my save the dates and programs; if smart, I would have had them do my invites, because they’re easier to work with and cheaper than the online invite places. We could also have saved money by doing the ceremony at the reception venue, but I wanted the church (despite extra money for church rental, organist, and extra flowers).

      Now that it’s almost here, I’m happy with the choices we made. Hopefully, I’ll still feel that way in a couple weeks. If we were younger — and either less financially established or able to take a month’s honeymoon — we probably would have made different choices.

  10. Travel advice needed. My family (husband and two young kiddos) are traveling to Virginia in May. We are staying two nights in Charlottesville at the beginning of the trip and two nights in Richmond at the end. That leaves two nights in the middle. What would you do? I like the idea of something nature-y or maybe something in the wine country if we could take our two kids (one is a baby and no problem, the other is a bit more challenging). I’m intrigued by a cabin in the woods too. Or really anything – I just can’t decide. Any specific recommendations would be fabulous. Thanks in advance!

    1. Think about going to Lexington, where you could spend a night. That is such a great small town. It’s on the other side of Charlottesville, but just by an hour. You could connect an overnight stay in Lexington with a day spent in Natural Bridge, which has some nature-y things, including an animal safari park.

      2. You beat me to it. The Safari Park is AMAZING. I don’t have kids and drove through w/ my husband and had so much fun. The animal stick their heads in your car and eat out of buckets of food. It can be a bit scary though. A moose (luckily female – no big antlers) was not happy that she ate all of the food in the bucket I offered her. I had another full bucket at my feet and she reached her head all the way in my car and took the other bucket. I tried to grab it from her and lost. She shook the bucket of feed all over the car making a giant mess. There are great videos of random people driving through on youtube.

      3. Please please don’t go to zoos that aren’t ZAA accredited. That zoo has had dozens of animal welfare violations and the former director of its sister zoo (under same ownership) was convicted of animal cruelty for drowning an injured animal.

          1. No, they’re ZAA accredited, not AZA. From my admittedly quick research on the subject, AZA accreditation is muh more difficult and conservation-based. ZAA was apparently formed after a zoo lost AZA accreditation.

    2. hmm, I adore Lexington and Natural Bridge has several roadside attractions as well as a hotel. Another thought- Shenandoah Caverns and the kids museum in Harrisonburg

    3. Definitely agree with Lexington. I disagree on the Safari Park – it is getting a lot of bad press lately for abusing animals. That said, Natural Bridge itself is really interesting and a nice hike with kids. Other options are the Wintergreen Resort outside Charlottesville (off the Blue Ridge Pkwy – great mountain biking and hiking, golf and a spa), Luray Caverns, driving part of the Skyline Drive and staying somewhere along there.

      1. Oh, I just saw your comment about “wine country” and having kids with you. So long as you’re not getting sloshed, a lot of the wineries and breweries in central VA are great with kids. I specifically recommend Kings Family, Pollak, Wintergreen and Afton. And the Devil’s Backbone and Wild Wolf Brewing Co. Most of these are along Route 151 off 64. All of them have big yards and outdoor areas designed for kids to run and are used to having families.

      2. That makes me so sad about the Safari Park. I’m a big animal advocate, shelter volunteer, eat humane, etc. and would not have spent money there if I knew this. I’m even more surprised because the place seemed immaculately clean, the animals were “free range” and looked happy and content. It didn’t look like the kind of place that had those sorts of issues. Really sad to hear that its appearances were not akin to the reality. Also, they must have done some serious SEO to get the bad press off google because I looked them up before we went and didn’t see any of the bad press. Ugh.

          1. I couldn’t get the link to work; but I’m pretty sure it’s been shut down.

        2. I copied your link into google and was able to read it. This article is about the Natural Bridge Zoo which is not related to the Safari Park. The Safari Park is related to another Zoo that has had its own scandals including the director charged with animal cruelty. They have tried to claim that the Safari Park and other zoo (not the linked Natural Bridge Zoo) are run by different members of the same family but it is still highly concerning info.

    4. Shenandoah National Park is awesome! The lodge accommodations are rather basic, but there are a number of short day hikes that are eminently doable with young children. Luray Caverns is also fun for kids.

      2. +1 to Luray Caverns. We were also pleasantly surprised by the adjacent (small) vintage car museum.

  11. Thinking about coloring my hair but I’m concerned that I may end up with the same tint of brassy orange that I see a lot of ladies with. I have neutral brown hair. I’d like to lighten it up and make it richer with a few light brown or dark blonde highlights. Has anyone had success with highlights? What do you ask your stylist for if you want to avoid the dreaded brassy orange tone? I’m also curious if anyone has tried these newfangled (<– this is my inner old lady talking) highlighting techniques – balayage or flamboyage? How did it look on you? I'd like to lighten my hair but still look professional (so no ombre!). Thoughts?

    1. In my experience, your colorist makes all of the difference. I got a recommendation through a friend, talked through what I wanted – I was also thinking highlights or low-lights or something to give it more depth + gray coverage – and my colorist actually recommended a full color rather than highlights and I love it. See if you can find a friend or co-worker with hair you like, and then ask her for a recommendation. And bring in a few photos of what you want and don’t want.

    2. Always make a consult appointment with a colorist before you commit to an appointment. These are generally free, but it’s customary to tip. Be honest about what you are hoping to achieve, how much maintenance you can commit to, and what you’re comfortable spending. Bring pictures of color you like. A good colorist will take all of that information into account when planning what to do.

      Highlights usually mean a longer appointment than single-process color, but you don’t have to touch up as frequently. Technique – foils vs balayage – depend a lot on your hair’s texture and thickness, but also on whether you want thinner or thicker highlights. If anyone pulls out a highlighting cap, run away.

    3. I naturally have very dark brown hair put pale olive skin (think Selena Gomez but paler) and I lighten my hair with box dye. I have to stay on top of the roots situation, but it looks good and natural. If you have it where you are, I use the Garnier Belle Color range which is one that does highs and lows and so on. Naturally I’m somewhere between a 2 and a 3 on the 1-10 scale. I used to use shade 6 ‘light brown’ and that took a bit more maintenance than I’d like, so I went one darker to shade 5. I use 5 ‘brown’ rather than the 5.3 ‘golden brown’ which helps avoid too much orange!

    4. Late reply but maybe you’re still reading. I would describe my hair color as similar to yours, neutral brown. Mine is 6.5, so right between lightest brown and darkest blonde. Frankly, any time I dye my hair, it has a tendency to “pull” warm or brassy. No matter if I use box dye, or go to a salon, no matter if I use the ashiest, cool tones. It always turns brassy. So I’ve just accepted that that is my hair. I don’t think doing full color vs. highlights would really change that for my hair, because then I’d just have brassy highlights. When I start to get noticeable greys, I may end up leaning into the brass and just dying my hair red or reddish-brown. Because unfortunately, chemically lightened, but still cool or neutral toned hair is just not in the cards for me.

  12. Hi,

    I’m the Anon from yesterday evening who posted about adoption versus potentially being a single-child family. I’ve got a busy day today so I can’t do another super-long post, but I wanted to say thank you so much for the very thoughtful responses. I showed the responses to my husband and he now understands much better why I’m on this site all the time. (I think his exact words were “They are all so… articulate!”) You all brought up very valid points and gave us both a lot to think about. (Particularly the commenter who noted that it sounded like we were doing this like we were giving our existing child a pet. That was hard to hear, and I don’t entirely agree with that assessment for reasons that are too long to explain here, but I can definitely see how it came across that way in my post. It’s definitely something that will stick with me as we consider this further.)

    Just to ease everyone’s mind, I realize that it’s been only a very short time (days) since we’ve decided to not try for a second biological child, and that I’m still coming from a place of grief, anger, confusion, and guilt (I know what happened wasn’t my technically my fault, but years later I still keep thinking “this wouldn’t have happened if I had done more yoga and eaten fewer brownies!), which may not go away any time soon. I’m still very open to the idea of adoption, and I’m definitely still interested in hearing stories/viewpoints, and will likely be seeking out more information in the future. That said, I know that the adoption process can take years, and we’re not going to make any rash decisions or jump into anything without some time to think, and some very careful consideration and soul-searching as to what that would mean for our family as a whole (including the adopted child if we go that route).

    Seriously, though, thanks again for all your help and insight. You all are fantastic.

    1. Hey there! I read your post late last night and figured my window for responding was closed, but now I’m going to give it another whirl. First, I think you got a lot of great answers yesterday and I’m glad you found solace in that.

      I do want to share my experience with you. We have two bio kids and were on the fence about a third, but this past summer my husband and I took a 12-week class that was the first step towards becoming licensed foster parents. We have relatives who have adopted through private agencies and other (distant) relatives who are very active in our local foster system, so we decided to take the class as a way to learn more about fostering to adopt. It was INCREDIBLY eye-opening, so complicated, happy at times and gut-wrenching at others. Overall, an amazing experience.

      We had decided to pursue foster care primarily because I didn’t want to be pregnant again — less so for medical issues and moreso for personal ones — and because I really felt a pull, for whatever reason, to do this. My husband did too — it was really amazing what we learned in our class. But I will tell you, even though we considered ourselves “all in,” we talked ad nauseam about how we might feel about a foster/adopted child vs. our own bio kids. It was really, really scary. I was worried I’d love our bio kids more, and my husband was convinced he’d love the adopted child more because that kid hadn’t had the advantages ours had.

      So — all of this and wouldn’t you know I accidentally got pregnant this past fall? CRAZY. And I will tell you, boy did I grieve — a lot. I was pretty depressed up through the spring, simply because I’d become so invested in the foster and adoption process. We’re going to keep up our licensure, but it’ll be years before we entertain the idea of being foster parents again — and I don’t think we’d plan to adopt this time, but instead take primarily short-term placements. It was a big change in how I saw my family evolving, and for awhile (I’m not super proud of this either) I was resentful towards my husband (yes I know it takes two) and this baby.

      This isn’t meant to wax rhapsodic about my own experience — more to try and show that you never ever know where life will take you and/or how you’ll feel. I’m the kind of person who always wants to know how the ending goes — the journey is less important to me — but I’d urge you to take, I don’t know, some joy out of the learning/discernment process? Does that sound bananas? Either way, I wish you good luck as you figure out what’s best for your family.

    2. I’d also recommend the book “One and Only” if you start leaning towards having an only child. It goes over all the cultural stereotypes/misconceptions about what having an only child means, and also talks honestly about some of the challenges and rewards of it.

    3. Seeing this post, I went back to read yesterday’s post, as we are in a very similar situation: 3-year-old biokid, don’t feel like family is complete, adoption seems to be the next step. But it’s scary! There are stories all over the internet about attachment failures, and the difficulty that poses. My husband is much more gung ho. I am anxious about all the things that could go wrong – but I felt the same way about my pregnancy, and it was spectacular.

      I was over well over 40 when I got pregnant… a few years later, the chance of getting pregnant again seems vanishingly small. I’ve known from the beginning – even before getting pregnant the first time – that the IVF route wasn’t for me. If I was too old to get pregnant, we were headed toward open adoption (and, in fact, biokid was conceived just after we chose our adoption agency).

      Our reasons for wanting a second child have to do with families of origin – I’m close (though geographically distant) with my two brothers; husband is an only child, and was lonely a lot as a kid – and with wanting biokid to have a sib, esp. since we are older parents. Like you, we’re pretty introverted & nerdy. Biokid has four cousins,but no family in the area.

      It might be useful for you to go to some orientation sessions with various adoption agencies (we liked Independent Adoption Center, which works in several states) to get a sense of their orientation, and the length of the process. Though we paid our $$ a year ago, it took quite a while to get through all the clearances, and we’re still working on our Dear Birthmother Letter and needing to get a family photo taken. Two intense jobs (and realistically, my anxiety) have made the process drag more than it needs to. Biokid is fully invested in the idea of having a “little sister” (we’ve warned her that it could be a little bro) and has been telling people that she’s going to be a big sister…

      I’ll be following your story with interest!

  13. Sibling suffers from anxiety and has few friends (if any) and doesn’t do much aside from work and internet. I invited her to visit and she booked a ticket and is now flip flopping about how she won’t come if I don’t want here there and so on. Any advice as to what I can do that is helpful?

    1. What about making a reservation or buying tickets somewhere – would concrete “proof” that you want her to visit help in any way? And establishing some plans? Maybe a simple, “I am very excited about your visit. I was hoping we could try out this new brunch place. I can also pick up tickets to (X show) for that Saturday night.” But I would also, if you can, avoid getting into a back and forth about it.

      If you know where her anxiety is coming from, could you say anything that mitigates or addresses it? If she thinks she’s putting you out, you can say “the guest room is all ready.” Or, if she thinks you are too busy, “I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend with you.” Does that make sense?

    2. Mail her some Xanax? I kid.

      As someone who suffers from anxiety, oftentimes there is not a single thing someone outside my brain can do to make it go away. I think compassion is the best thing here, but how to approach it depends on what she has discussed with you. If she has discussed her anxiety with you in a way that would make it normal for you to bring it up, I think something like “Sister, I love you and I know that sometimes you experience anxiety when it comes to making decisions. I know that I cannot understand exactly how you feel, but I wanted to tell you how much I love you and appreciate that this may be hard for you. I really would love to see you but I also want you to feel comfortable making the trip and enjoy your stay while you are here. What can I do to help you?”

      If she hasn’t acknowledged the anxiety openly to you, then it’s a bit trickier. I think in that case reinforcing that you love her, are really excited about her visit, and how can you help are still a good approach.

    3. I get anxious, and sometimes get anxious as something is approaching- ie. when a trip is coming I’ll start to think, okay, I have to figure out how to get to the airport on time, and can I depend on getting a cab in the street or should I order one, and if I order one, what if it doesn’t come on time, and then when I land, I have to get a rental car, and how will I know if I have enough insurance, and what if I get in an accident, or the GPS doesn’t work… etc, etc.

      It sounds totally crazy to type it.

      Anyway, what my boyfriend does that really helps me is help me to come up with a plan for everything.

      What will if my cab doesn’t come? Try Uber or ask the concierge to call one for me.
      What if I crash the rental car? Get their insurance info, call CAA, and then call him. Etc.

      Once I’m actually in the situation I handle everything just fine on my own, but its the lead-up time that really stresses me out.

      That’s a long-winded way of saying, maybe try to figure out what she’s worrying about/focusing her anxiety on, because it actually might be relatively simple to help her come up with a plan to relieve the stress.

  14. Apologies in advance for the length! I’m a midlevel BigLaw associate. I am applying for clerkships starting in fall 2016 and have had interviews, and think I have a decent shot of getting one (fingers crossed). I love certain aspects of my job but I just cannot handle the hours/lifestyle anymore (I’ve had many 250-300 hour months in the past year). I wanted to clerk in law school but never ended up applying and then thought (mistakenly, it seems) that it was too late. This community helped convince me that wasn’t the case. If I get a position, I’m planning to stick it out at my firm for the rest of the year and get my bonus, and then I really want to quit and travel for 6-9 months. I’ve always wanted to travel the world and live abroad, but I’ve never spent more than a month or two at a time outside the country. And I spent my entire 20’s (and the first 2 years of my 30’s) living in the same city. I’m single with no kids. Finances are not a problem — my loans are paid off except for some that are 2%, I have a large amount of savings/investments (if I stay through the end of the year/bonus I’ll have $250K), and I plan to travel cheaply. I’m so restless, and I feel like this is my last chance (assuming I someday get to have a family/etc.). This is something I really want to do.

    Here’s my question… if I do this, how is it going to look, career-wise? I won’t do it unless I have a clerkship lined up, so I’m really talking about getting jobs after the clerkship ends. Will it make me look flaky that I took that much time off? Will future employers assume I got fired? (That couldn’t be further from the case – I’m doing well here, they know I’m applying, and have said I could come back after.) Will the only option for me be to return to my firm for a while afterwards, to make it clear that I wasn’t pushed out? Basically, I’ve done the “right” things up until now and worked pretty hard to get where I am, and that’s part of the reason that I want this time off — but I also don’t want to lose the reputation/resume/etc. that I’ve built. The reason I’m asking now, and not waiting until I have a position, is that I’m seeing some openings for this July/August/September (2015), but have not applied because I want to take a longer career break (and for various reasons I really can’t quit until early June). Now I’m starting to wonder if traveling for that long is just too crazy/selfish/etc. to actually do…in which case I should just get out as soon as I can. (Obviously it couldn’t hurt to apply, but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time (including my own very limited time!) for something I wouldn’t accept.) Thoughts? Advice? Thanks in advance.

    1. I think it’s a good, if not great, move. If you want to go back into BigLaw after, you might have some explaining to do. But if you want to teach or work in government, it is a plus. What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

      I’m in BigLaw (transactional), but in a smaller city. I left BigCity BigLaw about 10 years ago for lifestyle reasons and took several months off just to decompress. You will never have this sort of freedom again.

      Misery for the sake of the resume =/= winning.

    2. I have no experience with this, but I would think there would be some way to list this on a resume (sabbatical?) and address it in an interview that would make it clear it was a choice rather than you just got fired. I don’t think most people would decide to take an extended vacation after getting fired, so “she must have gotten fired” would not be my first thought upon learning that someone travelled extensively after leaving a position.

    3. 6-9 months to me seems like a long time, but I understand the appeal. Could you plan to do it more along the lines of 3-4 months? Maybe leave in May and plan to have a summer off like you would have (save the bar) if you were leaving school and then starting a clerkship? That short break seems to be more easily explainable. Though if you are planning to go back to your firm and they support the time off, it probably wouldn’t matter in the least and would never be evident on your resume. It would only show if you were planning to job search post-clerkship.

    4. Random order thoughts:

      1. Yes, do this! Life is short. You have the opportunity now (health, time, no spouse/kids, money). Enjoy and learn and have adventures.

      2. I love the idea of noting on your resume that you had a sabbatical. You could probably draft a couple lines about where you traveled and what you learned and could be prepared in interviews to explain that you did it by choice (not fired) and that it will help you contribute more at your new job because …

      3. Re: 6-9 months being too long. Perhaps I speak from old age, but it’s not really that long. If you’re going to do it, do it. We don’t bat an eye (or at least we’re not supposed to bat an eye) when a woman leaves the workforce to raise children and then reenters the workforce later. It should be the same for personal and professional growth and development as it is for reproducing.

      1. I think that most people now understand that a “career” looks drastically different from even 10 years ago. We no longer have the model that you get a job straight out of college and work at the one place until 55 and then retire. Now, people have very flexible careers, and are likely going to be working into old age and recognizing that, have been building in extended travel in a planned way if they have the means.

        I am so envious!

    5. If you get the clerkship, all the future employers will care about is the clerkship. I just completed a Federal Appellate Clerkship, and several of my friends from the court took extended time off before and/or after the clerkship to travel, volunteer, etc. The employers DID NOT CARE. The ones who did it after the clerkship lined up their post-clerkship employment before leaving. You will be desirable when you come back. Take 9 months off. Just figure out your health insurance :)

      1. I took a year off and travelled around Africa. It was amazing. People ask me about it in interviews sometimes (what did you do during x-time, or what made you decide on this career transition, etc) and I talk about the year I spent being totally free, with no responsibilities, just getting to experience the world. People inevitable tell me they wish they had done the same thing. I am certain it has never cost me a job, and I think it has probably helped me get some offers. I’d do it- I wish I could do it again!

    7. Definitely do that, and I would also add that if you have a long time to travel you may want to spend some chunk of time in one place and volunteer — and could put that on your resume.

  15. Shenandoah National Park – what’s good to do there if you aren’t into camping? Where’s a good place to stay?

    1. Can’t answer on the places to stay (I’ve always camped), but I know there are lodges in the park and some good B&Bs as well as VRBOs surrounding the area (a friend got married at a winery near Old Rag, and we all stayed in an awesome farmhouse in the area rented on VRBO).

      As for things to do:

      Hikes – long and short
      Driving skyline drive – get out for photo opportunities
      Not in the park, but nearby – wineries (check out ones near Sperryville, for example)
      See if there are any festivals in nearby towns when you’re visiting
      Whiskey distilleries

        1. We stayed at the Flint Hill Public House last year. Not right next to the park, but a pretty quick drive, and the inn was lovely. The park was amazing – we just took a day to drive through it, but it was absolutely incredible. We saw two different families of black bears!

    2. Good short hikes in the Central district (near Big Meadows lodge):

      Dark Hollow Falls
      Stony Man
      Hawksbill Summit

  16. Hi everyone,
    I have an interview tomorrow (!!!), and while I know there are soooo many more things I could be worrying about, for some reason I’m fixated on whether it would be appropriate to wear wedge pumps. Any thoughts?
    Also feel free to chime in with general advice. It’s an interview with a city agency. Thanks so much!

    1. I’d go with a regular pump instead of a wedge. Wedges are a little less conservative. Only exception would be a very low wedge in place of flats, if you would normally wear flats.

    2. Over thinking it. Wedges are * perfectly * fine. There are only fake rules meant to get women all in a tizzy that would guide you otherwise.

      1. I am a klutz, so I always wore wedges to interviews to reduce tripping potential. For me, it’s once less thing to worry about. Also, I hear they’re better for your back. As with other shoes, I think whether or not the shoe looks professional depends on the fabric, color, and condition. Good luck!

    3. I agree that wedges are less formal, but I think that wearing them to anything in a city can be a plus b/c you are less likely to have them get scraped on the way in or have to mince around the various grates in sidewalks (esp if you go out to lunch with the people interviewing you).

    4. Low wedges look perfectly interview-ready professional. I wouldn’t wear a “wedge pump” with a 3-4 inch heel to an interview though. If you’re going the wedge route, I’d stick to 1-2 inches.

    5. Thank you all for the feedback. They are new, 1.5″ brown wedges. I usually wear flats, but it would be nice to have a bit more height for tomorrow. I think I’ll try everything on tonight and pick the shoes I feel most comfortable in. The last thing I want is to be sitting in the interview wondering if my outfit is okay! Thanks again.

      1. if you usually wear flats and the wedges are new, I personally would go for flats I know are comfortable. There is nothing worse than being distracted because my shoes are slipping or i have a huge blister all of a sudden. But I’m sure you will be fine either way! Good Luck!!

    6. Wear what looks good to you and doesn’t make you walk like a newborn giraffe.

    7. I’ll just throw in my two cents about interview attire. I hadn’t been on a major interview in many years and didn’t own a suit. I went and tried on suits and every single one I tried on looked ill-fitting and unflattering. I finally decided that what would be best for me was to wear what fit me well and looked professional and stop focusing on “you must wear a matching suit no matter what.” I ended up with a perfectly fitting CK suiting dress and I could not find the jacket that matched the gray suiting material. The jackets were just slightly off and weren’t a good cut for me. The dress has two black stripes in the black suiting material so I bought a black CK jacket that was the right cut for me and matched the stripes on the dress. I wore heels that were high for some but perfect for me and that I could walk in easily on a campus tour and up and down all day. My one major concession was changing my nail color to a neutral (I normally wear gray or purple or blue). I hated it but whatever. At any rate, what I’m trying to say that you should wear nice looking pumps in which you feel completely comfortable. I think wedges with a wooden heel look less formal, but a dark pump with a dark wedge should be fine.

  17. I’m getting consistent reviews that I need to “act more confident” and that I “lack gravitas.” At a formal review today, someone describe it as a shame or a waste of a very sharp mind. I’m never given any concrete examples of how to correct it (despite requests), just told that there is a “perception” that I lack confidence and they are wary to put me in front of clients.

    I’m a 6th year associate, transplant to a 40-50 atty firm in a VERY small Midwest market, just switched practice groups in December (feedback is consistent across both groups). What is weird is that the people reviewing me always say that THEY don’t know that the criticism is necessarily warranted (maybe no one wants to be the bad cop?). I can’t ignore it.

    The “waste” comment made me very sad, because I am very bright and technically proficient, but am not loving being an attorney. But but there’s very few options where I am. (I am looking to switch, but child care and student loans together create some serious golden handcuffs without the corresponding benefit of cool “toys.” very few lateral moves available in this market, and moving is not an option for various reasons). It sucks to be described as a waste, and I feel like this “perception” limits my ability to move to other things. I also ALWAYS get pulled in when other people’s files get f—ed to lay on grenades/figure out emergency fixes and things always get worked out, but I’m always the “face” of bad news, emergencies, etc.

    What resources or behavioral actions can you recommend to me? Already in counseling. Already read NGDGTCO.

    1. Have you read Lean In or Playing Big? Could have some good food for thought there. Perhaps working with a coach (in addition to the counseling) could help you develop your gravitas/presence.

    2. “I’m never given any concrete examples of how to correct it (despite requests), just told that there is a “perception” that I lack confidence and they are wary to put me in front of clients.” That reeks of sexism. Yes, some people (male and female) really do have a confidence problem that interferes with work, but if they are being this vague and can’t give you any concrete examples it’s likely an unsupported double-standard. I’d push back and make them give you concrete examples. If they can’t and/or won’t, escalate it to the next level to get the review fixed. This has the added bonus of demonstrating you have the confidence in yourself they claim you lack. And I’d start looking elsewhere, even if it takes you a long time to move. This place sounds toxic.

      1. I agree with Anonymous at 11:37. Another approach is to invite the people who are delivering the news to sit in on your meetings and calls and tell you, after each one, what they observed (“You showed lack of confidence when you X and instead you should have Y.”). If they do it and have something productive to add, great. Try what they suggest. If they do it and can’t come up with anything, maybe they’ll drop this.

        Possible downside to my plan: If they can’t observe anything but are afraid to tell the truth, maybe they will make up silly things to criticize you about. Can anyone think of a way around this?

    3. Reading Lean In right now and one suggestion that really resonated was the idea that you should overcorrect (in your mind) to hit the right spot — so, if you are shy and passive, try to be super loud and aggressive and you’ll probably get it right, if you are loud, try to be super soft and you’ll probably get the happy medium, etc. So I would say, act super assertive, speak up often even if it seems way too often. Re: the gravitas thing – avoid any kind of giggling (especially when you are feeling awkward). Even superficial things like deepening your voice, wearing glasses or slightly changing the way you dress (more formal, avoid girly ruffles/bows if you normally wear them, swap out cardis for blazers) could help. (I’m not suggesting one can’t wear girly clothes or cards generally, but when you are apparently giving the impression of lacking seriousness, it might help to avoid them).

      Btw, bear in mind that these comments do often get directed to younger women, and they are not necessarily fair or right – you need to do whatever you need to do to fix the perception that’s apparently out there, but don’t get too down on yourself – the “waste” comment in particular seems harsh and not constructive, I would mentally throw that in the trash and not fixate on it.

      1. I do this with regard to speaking too quickly. When I give presentations or speak to clients I try to speak comically slowly (at least in my mind). What the audience hears seems to be more in line with the pace of speech people can follow.

        I think this is a great suggestion with regard to confidence too.

        I also started answering my office phone differently. I used to say “This is [first name].” And was told by a male partner that many of his colleagues and clients answered their phone by simply saying “[full name].” You’d be surprised how a minor change can project confidence in your identity and position.

    4. Perhaps you can ask to observe models where they find the “gravitas” they seek?

      I got a similar comment (the only negative comment from my last firm was: “not a confident speaker even though you know your legal stuff”) but given that I had never gotten that comment EVER in life, and I knew that working with the partners in my department flustered me through their endless cut downs, etc so my solution was to go somewhere where my skills/intelligence would be appreciated.

      1. +1

        I was going to suggest studying other people in your workplace, figure out who seems confident, and then model their behavior. I like the suggestion of asking people (maybe even just co-workers, in casual conversation), who they think of as confident.

        Focusing on what other people do RIGHT, rather than what you’re doing WRONG, might be key. It’s hard to objectively evaluate ourselves and how we’re perceived. So I would suggest consciously noticing the traits you admire in certain co-workers (e.g., she speaks so concisely; she makes really good eye contact; she seems at ease with herself; whatever), and try to adopt some of those mannerisms. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be who you are. Instead, I think it might be helpful and effective to use other people (especially other women) as models.

        I remember reading once that when we’re trying to do something outside of our comfort zone, it can help to kind of “pretend” to be that person. For example, I might think to myself, “I don’t know how to have gravitas. But I’m going to act like I’m Jane today.” From there, you can become more accustomed to being that person.

    5. Assuming you think that their perception is legit, but that it’s something that’s difficult or awkward for someone to explain, maybe try reading up about body language (posture, hand gestures, gait, facial expression, angle of shoulders, physical response to positive or critical comments etc etc) and reflect on your signalling. Another possibility is verbal signals – up talk, pitch, pace, rhythm, word choice, phrasing, etc etc.

    6. I get super annoyed with one lady I work with because of her lack of confidence. I will try to describe what I see with her but it is a very difficult concept to put into words so I can see why your reviewers are struggling. I’ll start w/ a contrast with a confident employee. Confident employee knocks, walks into my office with head held high, says “client so and so is here, do you need anything for the meeting?” Not confident employee tip toes up to my office door, peaks inside to see what I’m doing, meekly taps the door, stutters out “um, sorry, sorry to bother you but ah, Mr. oh, um, ah, Mr. client is here to see you.” I say okay. I then say “can you get his file for me?” She says, um, yeaaaah, I can do that.” (sounding like she doesn’t think she really can.) Two seconds later repeat the meek knocking/interrupting “um…. ah… I’m sorry but, um I couldn’t find his file, um, ah, sorry.” And leaves. Confident employee would walk in and say “its not under Mr. Client, does he use another name? Any chance it is in your office?”

      Not confident employee approaches attorneys like an abused dog. Confident employee gets things done. Both are females and the young one is actually the confident one. So its not sex or age bias playing into me seeing one as not confident.

      1. But I think even in your brief example you actually identified several concrete things your non-confident employee is doing: 1) excessively apologizing, 2) saying she can do something in a tone of voice that suggests she can’t do it, 3) physical behaviors like approaching your office very cautiously and tapping on the door versus a firm knock. Etcetera.
        If OP’s supervisors can’t point to specifics like these, then it is a red flag. Also, YOU may not have sex/age bias, but I have seen it over and over again where younger women who are quieter & less assertive are “shy,” “timid,” “not confident,” but men who display the exact same personality traits and behaviors are “thoughtful,” “deliberative,” etc. So just because you may be treating your employees fairly doesn’t mean there’s not a systemic problem.

        1. Totally agree. I was just agreeing that it can be hard to put into words the difference between someone who is confident and someone who isn’t. It’s a presence. I absolutely agree that it can be sexism/age bias.

          I was actually speaking with someone in law enforcement recently that had to counsel a new employee and was trying to put something similar into words. In law enforcement, the first thing on the use of force continuum is presence. LEO’s male and female, young and old, big and small can display it. This one employee though (young male) just didn’t project “presence.” We were brain storming if there is a way to teach it. A lot of it was posture and mannerisms. Stand up straight, hold head up, hands out of pockets at your side or arms crossed, legs slightly spread or in a bladed stance rather than feet together (gives you better balance if attacked). Some of it, however, came from actually believing that you had control of a room. That could not be taught.

          He could only articulate it after watching the new guy stand next to seasoned guy and note the differences.

        2. This. It could be systemic, but it could also be a personality mis-match.

          In 99% of the areas of my life, I’m seen as confident, pretty aggressive/assertive and not a pushover. Yet, when it come to one of my old partners, he was verbally abusive and liked to verbally spar in a way that I had not grown up with or ever came across in professional or personal life until I started working for said partner and thus it really created a bad cycle where only for that one partner (and not the other partners), I came across as that abused dog. On the other hand, this style is apparently used by some communities as a different associate who grew up in the same neighborhood as partner was able to dish it right back to him and get rave reviews even if their actual work was shoddy.

          When it comes to actual clients and getting work done with everybody else in the world, I don’t have that problem.

    7. You could try a few sessions with an Executive Coach. In person would be better than someone who coaches remotely.

    9. Late to this thread, but….strongly recommend the Confidence Code by Cara Hale Alter. Stop apologizing for anything (this is hard but very important) except serious f-ups that require an apology. And pretend to be someone who is confident/assertive/doesn’t take sh*t from people, until it feels natural. This type of perception is awful to deal with, but you can fix it – with a lot of hard work and patience. Good luck!

  18. Awkward question – does anyone know of a photographer that retouches photos? Our wedding photographer is dragging their feet on fixing the photos and at this point I’d like to just outsource it to someone else. We own the rights to the pictures, so there isn’t a copyright issue. I’m just at a loss and have asked all my friends for recs and am bummed about being out 6k and having pictures I don’t like.

    1. I think most professional photogs can do this, so I’d just find someone whose photos you like and ask them for a quote for this service. Make sure you’re in agreement about how many photos they will retouch for that price. If you like the retouching work they do, maybe you’ll even decide to do another photoshoot in your wedding dress with the new photographer. Don’t feel awkward, it’s a fairly common situation!
      Signed,
      Someone who hated my wedding photos (but sadly the issues were not things that could be retouched)

    3. Read your contract. Most photographers retain full rights to their work, and any ethical photographer would not retouch another’s work.

      1. True, but it does say she owns the rights to the pictures. I did the same thing with my photog – I paid to own the digital .raw files.

    4. Unfortunately, if you really don’t like the pictures, no amount of retouching will fix that. I would consider a new romantic photosession with a better photographer.

      1. It’s more minor stuff that should have been done in the editing process, but wasn’t. And I can’t very well ask my friends and family to come back and dress up to restage photos.

        Super frustrating. The worst part is we vetted them thoroughly so I’m pretty shocked.

    5. I would also think about suing in small claims court (or write them a demand letter to that effect). $6,000 is a lot of money to spend on a photographer who then drags their feet about providing services that you contracted for.

      1. The contract probably says something like the photographer has to “provide edited photos.” Just because they weren’t edited to your satisfaction (or the photographers usual standards) doesn’t mean they weren’t edited. I’ve only heard of people suing where the photographer entirely refused to cough up the photos.

    6. Not sure what they charge, but Jay’s Publisher Services (www.jays1968.com) does professional image retouching for book publishers.

    7. My SO (who used to do wedding photography as a side business and is really good at the retouching, editing, etc.) worked on photographs for another person here. It turned out he couldn’t do much because the photographer had not used high enough res, but he’d be willing to look at them, I’m sure, if you’d like. Email me at nolar3tt3@gmail.com if you’re interested (swap e for 3).

  19. Looking for anecdata about the cost of an appointment and vaccinations for a trip abroad. Husband and I are going to Turkey and I think I need typhoid, polio, Hep A, and maybe anti-rabies vaccines. Insurance doesn’t cover it. My current medical group is quoting $130 for the visit plus the cost of the vaccines, which may run around several hundreds (I know Hep A alone is $200 for the two rounds). Is this pretty standard, or has anyone done this recently at substantially lower cost? Thank you!

    DC area, by the way.

    2. The cost of the vaccines is just a pass-through, so the clinic isn’t making money on those. Do a search for travel medicine and contact a few to see if consult prices are in line with what you were quoted. If they are, then I would go to my usual medical group so the vaccines were in my medical record, but there may be some variation. I would expect DC to have several options, so there may be some pricing competition.

    3. When I needed vaccinations like this, I found a medical travel specialist- I think the CDC has a list. I found the list through google. He was a GP, but had all the vaccinations in stock, so I didn’t have to get a scrip, then go to the pharmacy to get (uncovered) meds and return to have them administered. I think it all ended up being covered, because he had the stuff in his office.

    5. My husband is a family physician and always recommends his patients attend at a specialized travel clinic for immunizations for exotic travel. Mind you, this is in Canada, but vaccinations and consultation can run around $500 for travel to Africa, for instance. It might sound trite, and obviously we are in a luxurious position, but surely such an amount is a reasonable investment in your long-term health?

      Also, a quick google search will probably reveal the travel clinics in your area with their fee schedules.

      You trip sounds amazing, BTW.

    6. Was going to India for 6+ weeks and Passport Health Services in DC told me they recommended rabies, would be series of 3 shots per person (3 of us, in my family, 1 person paying, $200/shot, not covered by insurance) over 6 weeks prior.

      Me: Rabies?
      Nurse: Yes! There’s packs of wild dogs roaming the streets of India!
      Me: My husband traveling back and forth there has never mentioned that… though he’s mentioned elephants…

      We saw 1 domesticated dog that slept in the driveway, well-trained. I am SO GLAD that we didn’t get those rabies shots! YMMV.

    7. I went to a specific travel clinic, and the vaccines were a little bit cheaper than at the regular MD office, since mine were also not covered by insurance. But I still paid something around $400 total to get several vaccines for Latin America.

      Have a great trip, though!!

    8. Interesting, I also have a trip to Turkey coming up and vaccines hadn’t occurred to me. Where did you pick up the information that those were needed?

    9. Thank you all! I didn’t realize medical travel specialists/clinics existed. Idea, I think I may pass on the rabies shots as I’m not expecting it to be an issue!

      1. I think you can safely skip the rabies unless you’re doing something that would actually put you near animals at risk for rabies, like caving with bats or something. For the standard tourist fare, you’re fine. I think when I went I got whichever hepatitis vaccine isn’t routinely given in the US (A, I think) and that was it. And I think I was already up to date on a typhoid vaccine.

        SF in House-the CDC has a travel health section of their website with recommend vaccines by country.

    10. I went to Turkey last year. If you are going to the standard tourist locations you do not need rabies vaccinations. Yes there are stray dogs and cats, they are friendly, and you just don’t need rabies shots. They aren’t vicious, even if you don’t given them food, which is really what they want most of the time. The locals take great care of the animals for the most part.

      You do not need typhoid shots if you are staying on the beaten path. The further west you go (past Cappadocia) the more you should think about getting them.

      I thought everyone got Hep A shots? This sounds just like a good idea in general. I think I got mine before going to college.

      The CDC in America recommends Hep A and Typhoid shots for “most travelers” but not “all travelers”. I was there a month, I had no issues with getting sick at all.

    11. We went to Turkey a few years ago and did not get any of those before we went–granted, we were there for vacation\did not camp, etc. If you are going for work\planning to be in more rural areas it might be a different story, I suppose

      1. This. We were told there are no specific shots needed for Turkey if you’re just going on vacation, though anyone who travels in the less-developed world should get Hep A (and maybe Typhoid, since the CDC now seems to be recommending that pretty widely?) Polio and rabies are not necessary unless you’re doing something unusual.

    12. You should consider CVS or Walgreens for the vaccine. I’m pretty sure they just charge the cost of the vaccine.

    13. Terribly late with this, but hoping you subscribed to comments: is there a public health clinic you can go to? For us, our county health dept is the lowest cost source of shots like there.

  20. Goofy question – is Calibri an unprofessional font to use (similar to Comic Sans)? I find it easy to read and use it for a lot of my personal docs. I’ve recently taken on a much more visible role and am reflecting generally on my “executive presence” for lack of a better word. Probably thinking too much about this, but I thought I’d throw it out there.

    1. Calibri is fine, you are overthinking this. There is an offbeat style and sloppiness inherent in Comic sans MS, that’s why it wouldn’t work in work settings

      1. It’s the default font in MS Office applications. Completely professional.

        That being said, I do find that Calibri looks better on a screen than on paper. Are you producing documents which will be printed, or mostly consumed online?

        1. Calibri and Cambria actually became the default in Word because of exactly what you say–they look better on screen, and Microsoft recognized that a lot of people don’t print out documents to review anymore. Times New Roman is still the gold standard for printed documents though, so I’d use that for any document which has the eventual goal of being printed when final.

    3. Overthinking fonts? Not possible! For fun, see the book “Just My Type” by Simon Garfield to get history and fun stories about fonts. But really it depends on the document, your profession, and what you are trying to get across.

      1. I love this book!! When I had some downtime as a substitute teacher, I taught my kids about the origins of different fonts, modern licensing and naming conventions, and about sans serif and serif fonts (/end nerd off).

      2. That book’s been on my Amazon wishlist forever! I’ve also recently got into the grown up colouring books thing and found a Typography colouring book.

  21. For ladies who are more familiar with this scene than I: I will be joining my capital-B boss while he testifies before a state legislative committee. Like the commentator above, while I should be prepping for prepping said boss, I’m mostly obsessing over my outfit. I’m still a bit post-partum so my wardrobe is in flux. Also, my daily office wardrobe is solidly business casual (dresses, jackets, but very rare for suits although we’re all attorneys) and I haven’t really updated my suit stock in a few years.

    My main question is: should I wear a suit that I like but the skirt is a teensy bit tight (it doesn’t pull or have weird lines but it’d be perfect were it 1/4–1/2″ bigger) OR my power dress (black, crepe) with coordinating jacket (same material, blue color) which fits me perfectly (it’s very forgiving, fit-wise)? All the people I’ll be with are men, so they’ll be in suits, but I’m wondering if I should wear the outfit I feel more comfortable in and fits me slightly better or bow to convention and wear a suit? Anyone familiar with the dress code at state legislatures, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thank you in advance!

    1. Will you be sitting behind him while he testifies? Wear something long enough that it won’t ride up when you sit down. Dress with coordinating jacket sounds fine – if you’re not the one testifying nobody is paying attention to your outfit.

    2. Id go with comfort. In my opinion, they are about as formal as formal state court (appellate proceedings). With that said, in my state, the timing is unpredictable, meaning that hearings can start at 2p and end at midnight or they can start at 10 am and end at 2am. So, if you are going to be less comfortable in the skirt suit at the 8-10 hour mark, I’d suggest the dress.

    3. I would go with the dress. You want to feel polished and not worry about your outfit. And I work in state legislatures across the country and as long as you are dressed professionally you will be just fine and probably better than a lot of people that are there. Also, the hearing rooms sometimes get really crowded so you may have to stand or do an awakard shuffle to the middle of a row so I always want to wear something that doesn’t risk a wardrobe malfunction. And shoes that you can walk in and stand in all day long is very important. Things get taken out of order or delayed a lot so I recommend a bottle of water and a snack too.

    5. Thank you ladies–your experience and good judgment are very helpful. Power dress it is, and now to figure out shoes.

      As for buying a suit: nope, not that important, but also for reasons I mentioned (I’m transitioning in size and otherwise have no reason to buy a suit in what is probably not going to be the size I end up in), an imprudent use of my money and time.

    6. Does your state stream these types of hearings? That may give you a sense of how formal you want to be (though I think your dress sounds perfectly fine). I’m sure it’s state-specific but I’ve testified several times this session and while yes, the men are usually in suits, there’s a lot more leeway for women as long as you look professional. I’ve worn both suits and non-matching blazers for testimony and been perfectly comfortable with both choices.

      1. Ahh, now I’m deep in the hole of watching old testimony. Looks like either outfit would be fine but mainly I’m now focusing on remembering to avoiding mouth open at rest!

  22. Just wanted to update you ladies on my work drama. Over the last week or two, I’ve had some GREAT conversations with our new co-GC that all regional counsel report to, as well as the attorney that I now report to that I would rather not report to.

    GC is super happy with my work. The whole company is going through a lightning fast growth phase, and since my region was the first to have a “senior” and a “junior” attorney, I’m the beta and she has requested my help with outlining what worked, what didn’t, and what we are going to do when the work load for our department doubles (which it will in the next ten years). We aren’t going to be doing any more hiring, at least not right now, so we have to figure out how to handle the influx.

    I talked to GC about how I love my job, but I think I can do more, and she agrees but the biggest reason she is putting the leash on me is that, while we’re going through this “growth” phase, we don’t want to start over extending ourselves and have the internal clients come to expect that. So it sounds like what I am perceiving as “being held back” is more a function of the transition and exploding industry than anything having to do with me personally. I’m getting involved in some fun new media / digital design projects (creating new contract templates) and research projects that are more in line with what GC / the other attorney want me working on, so for now it seems everyone is happy. There will still be that conflict between me and the other attorney in the office, but for now, she seems happy that she is officially my “supervisor” even though nothing has really changed. Maybe that’s what she needed. Whatever works, right?

    The best thing is that I feel a LOT more comfortable with GC now after she reached out to me and let me know she actually cares about how things are working.

  23. I have a job interview today for a job I desperately want. I also have the flu. I’ve already travelled two hours for this interview (despite my personal belief that contagious people should be at home) and I feel like an inconsiderate jerk. It’s for an immediate hire so the interview cannot be rescheduled. I think I look healthy enough for the interview. Can I tell the interviewer that I am not shaking hands since I am sick?

    1. Take as many drugs as you can to make sure you don’t look or seem sick. ;o) (kind of kidding). Yes, you should definitely avoid shaking hands, but I would say “I think I’m coming down with something” or “I’m just getting over something” so that you downplay how sick you really are.

      I’ve interviewed people who were a little sick at the time, had tissues in their hand, didn’t shake hands, etc, and we weren’t upset about it. We understood they didn’t want to miss an important interview, we were only in the room with them for a short time (not a full work day) and didn’t touch and kept our distance in the room. I’m sure it’ll be okay. ;o) Good luck with the interview! Hope you kill it!

      1. Agreed. I interviewed for a job when I was over a bug but was still dealing with a runny nose. I said something to the effect of “Unfortunately, I woke up this morning with a bit of a runny nose, but didn’t want to miss meeting you, so I don’t want to risk anything in case it’s a bug and if you don’t mind, I brought some tissues with me!” You’ll have to put your game face on – literally and figuratively – so put on some extra blush or concealer to make you look alive and stay energetic and perky for the 30 or so minutes. I also kept tissues neatly folded in my interviewing folder and wiped my nose politely and discreetly (i.e. not a full nose-blow like your grandpa does) when necessary.

  24. Does anyone know where I can get a fun/pretty mousepad and keyboard wrist rest? My standard issue set has had better days and I’d rather replace them with something that sparks joy.

Comments are closed.