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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I always freak out before I go to a Northwestern alumni event and try to find purple things to wear (purple is Northwestern's color), so I bought this Donna Morgan dress at Amazon. I'm returning it because it's a little too long on me to look flattering with the flat shoes I wanted to wear, but it's a great dress. It's made from a nice, sort of stretchy material that's a little thin — not a ponte level of thickness, if that's not what you're looking for. It comes in a ton of different colors, so if you're on the hunt for a very classic sheath dress in an unusual color (or alternately, navy, black, etc.) and you're taller than me (I'm 5'4″), I would recommend this dress. Some colors are as low as $26, although many are priced at $98 and are eligible for Prime (and Amazon Wardrobe). The dress comes in sizes o–16. Cap Sleeve Stretch Crepe Sheath Dress A plus-size option that comes in purple (a darker shade than this one) as well as cobalt blue and black is at Saks OFF 5th for $49.99 on sale. It's available in sizes 16W–22W. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.comSales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
weekend sneakers
What do you all wear in the sneaker department on weekends? (Not for actual working out, just for running around, errands, etc.)
Anonymous
roxy bayshore or converse (or similar)
MagicUnicorn
Following, because the retired gym shoes I use to mow the lawn are somewhat lacking in aesthetics these days.
Rainbow Hair
Ha, that’s my go-to! But at least mine are a cute color? But yeah, not as fashiony as I’d like to be.
Cb
Converse or a pair of Merrell trail runners which I find really comfortable.
Anonymous
Golden Goose
anonymous
Golden Goose
Anonymous
Superstars
Anonymous
Can you explain these to me? Not trying to be snarky, I just don’t understand $300+ pre-distressed sneakers.
Anonymous
There is nothing here to explain. It’s fine if you are not into them. To me, they are super hot, young, fresh, and stylish. Not all of them are pre-distressed. My favorite pair is not.
Anon
Usually white knock off keys. I love the look of the Steve Madden black quilted ones that look like vans but they don’t work with my feet. I also sometimes wear all black with white sole sneaks (athletic looking but not supportive enough to actually work out). Still figuring out how to style those though
Panda Bear
M.Gemi Cerchio slip on sneakers. I am too lazy to mess with laces!
Anon
Steve Madden Travelers
Baconpancakes
Keen trail runners or NB all-black old fashioned cut sneakers.
Anonymous
Allbirds. Worth the hype.
Anon
Which allbirds? I am about to buy into the trend– I like the slip on ones that look like the Steve Maddens mentioned above, as opposed to the lace up sneakers (which are also cute). Which do you recommend?
Anonymous
I got the tree skippers for a trip, and my husband got the tree runners. We’re both planning on picking up the wool runners for the winter. I don’t think you can go wrong.
Ms B
+1. Wool runners for winter, tree runners for summer.
Anonymous
Are the Wool Runners waterproof or at least somewhat water resistant? I think I’d like them, but how do they do in a messy winter? I have nice boots and would wear those if it was really slushy/snowy. So I’m thinking of parking lots and sidewalks that have had the snow removed but are still wet. Thanks!
emeralds
I love mine, but they’re terrible if it’s wet out.
Aanon
I love the wool runners for being lightweight and comfy but in essence they’re like wearing socks with soles. Wind, water, mud and snow will go right through them and they don’t support the top/sides of your feet at all.
CountC
Converse Shorelines or my hot pink, orange, and purple New Balance 574s. :)
Anonymous
I bought these over the summer and can’t tell you how much I love them. They’re super light and comfortable. They wipe off/clean up really well if they get dirty, and they dry really fast if wet. The only drawback is that they wouldn’t work in winter slush because they’re a knit material and not waterproof. Recommend them so much.
https://www.nativeshoes.com/womens/shoes/ap-mercury-liteknit?92=583
NOLA
Chuck Taylors don’t have much support, but I do have some fancier Converse with thicker soles. Also Keds kickstarts and some novelty Saints sneakers that look like Chucks. I also have some fancier sneakers for Mardi Gras (gold or pink lamé with thick soles) and Coach tea rose low tops. For someone who used to have only 1 or 2 pairs of sneakers, I guess I now have a lot.
Anonymous
Have: https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/new-balance-fuelcore-nergize-lightweight-training-shoe—womens/410274?activeColor=050
Eyeing for a replacement: https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/new-balance-fresh-foam-sport-lightweight-running-shoe—womens/424556?activeColor=137
Anon
I think I have the ones you’re eyeing – or at least, a very similar version (New Balance Fresh Foam Arishi).
I wear them for distance running workouts, and they are by far the most comfortable pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. (And I recently just bought a second pair that I’m saving for when my current ones get worn out!)
I ran a 15K (9 mi) race in them last weekend and my feet felt great! Even when I first got them and was in the process of “breaking-them-in,” they never even gave me a blister. I would highly recommend them.
Snick
Adidas campus.
HSAL
Skechers Go Walks, though I wear them sockless and probably need to figure something else out for the winter.
Anonymous
+1 to Skechers. They are the only shoes that don’t hurt my picky feet.
anon
+2, just picked up a pair at the outlet yesterday. so comfy and not $$$.
cat socks
I alternate between a pair of black Vans and Skechers with a gray leopard print. In the summer, I have a pair of slip-ons from Keds.
anon.
Does anyone have Nike Cortez? I love the look of them.
Cortez
I have the black on black and like them a lot. However, they do not breathe like modern day running shoes and can get hot in the Summer.
Anon.
Loving these right now. Super, super comfy and easy to slip on and off.
https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/roxy-sun-session-slip-on-sneaker/428262?activeColor=035
Diana Barry
Just got some Altras (zero drop, good for my plantar fasciitis) and I also have some Steve Madden silver ones (flat soles) that I wear with my orthotics.
Edna Mazur
Adidas NEO Courtset in Navy. LOVE them.
Housecounsel
SuperGa, either white or a beautiful naval floral pair I got from Anthro.
Victoria
Tretorn nylite, dr scholls madison slip on. Both are very comfortable and I can walk for miles easily.
DC Atty
I just got some of the new Plae shoes for adults, and I love them. They have these laces that don’t need to be tied, and I am loving the convenience of that. I got the Butler model in Ember color, and they match everything. They were a bit uncomfortable the first day as I got used to the low heel profile, but now I love them.
https://www.plae.co/shop/adults
Anonymous
Vans or Adidas Superstar
Meg March
Keds. I have ten pairs. All colors and patterns and materials. Love em. If I have a day with more walking/being on my feet, I might slide a set of arch supports into them, but i don’t normally wear those.
Problem Feet
Does anyone else wear real running shoes in this scenario? Do they look much worse than casual sneakers? For me, the running shoes are so much more comfortable that I default to them unless my plans clearly call for something dressier. I try to go for streamlined colors at least, most recently the grey version of these: https://www.zappos.com/p/asics-gel-kayano-25-carbon-mid-grey/product/9046743/color/749463
Anonymous
I do sometimes. Depends on what I’m wearing. Never with skinny jeans – they’re too bulky. Sometimes with athleisure leggings. Sometimes with bootcut jeans that make them look less bulky (although it’s been a while since I’ve worn boot cut jeans, and I’m not ready to get back into them).
Coach Laura
I bought a pair of Cole Haan zeroGrands for ~$50 down from regular price of $200+. They’re a peachy beige color so more for warm weather months than winter.
Zzzzz
I’m honestly about to fall asleep standing up at work today. What are your best tips for keeping your eyes open when you’re just at 0. I’m hydrating with water, eating well, limiting caffeine, alternating sitting and standing, and hope to get out for a walk today. I think the 4am wake ups are getting to me, I just need to get to 7pm tonight!
Anonymous
Oh honey, that is what caffeine is for!
Anon
I’ve had two cups of coffee! I hear too much caffeine can work against you? Maybe I’ll try for another cup later. Will definitely get jittery if I have another now.
anon.
Do you have a cube or an office. If an office, stretch as much as you can. A few sun salutations helps a lot. I think I’ll go do some now!
Anon
Sadly it’s open floor plan!
Anonymous
No real advice because I’m in the same boat — drinking tons of cold water is the best I’ve got because constantly going to the bathroom keeps me awake. Solidarity!
Anonymous
Mint tea.
Can you take a short nap somewhere?
Anonymous
Do some jumping jacks in an empty bathroom and get the blood flowing.
anon a mouse
I dab ice cold water on my face, back of my neck, and inside of my wrists. Helps keep me alert.
Anonymous
Fruit!
Anon
Just a mini rant on a lovely Thursday. I’m so over my mansplaining office mate! He pulled up a map of Alaska today to point out Canada to tell me that Alaska bordered Canada. He later told me that ports have boats in them. It’s only 9am! If you’re going to mansplain can you give the benefit of the doubt that I know where Alaska is?
Idea
I have heard of professional people who think Alaska is not… where it is, because they think it is in the Carribbean, or in Mexico, or the coast of California, because many maps of USA showcase the 49th and 50th states like that, in a box off the coast of the mainland. But those people do seem the be the exceptions and the butt of jokes at parties where they are not present, so who knows if they exist.
You need some lines to dismiss him. Hmmm….
OP
“Yeah I know” or “I used to live there” (when he was explaining a city I lived in for four years (he has never lived there) to me) etc don’t get him to stop. This literally happens every day!
Since we share an office I a) don’t want to be too harsh and b) can’t avoid him. I’m new to my job but so far seems like I’m good at it so I don’t think I come off as someone who is incompetent
Anonymous
“Yes obviously I know. Please stop explaining this to me.”
Anonymous
Call him out on this. Just say, “You’re mansplaining, stop it.” Men like this generally won’t take a hint, so don’t hint around anymore. Call him out on his s#xist bull as s#xist bull.
Anon
+1
anon
Like “Why do you think I don’t know where Alaska is?” asked in a really innocent tone. And then you stay silent as he uncomfortably fumbles for an answer.
Monday
“Are you telling me that ports have boats in them?”
“I have my US geography handled, thanks.”
Do not break eye contact.
Anon
“Oh really? I also heard there are planes at the airport and trains at Union Station. Fun facts eh?”
Anonymous
I think this merits a Bless Your Heart
Annie
Say “okay” with a cold look at him, rinse and repeat, don’t engage further.
Anonymous
+1 Blank-faced “okay” is my favorite for many situations.
Anon
I think that’s beyond mansplaining, he thinks you’re dumb (generally not because woman), which is so patronizing and insulting. I would call him out very quickly.
Pompom
+1
I’ve coolly busted out the “Thank you, but I am not actually stupid” a few times to co-workers or other humans in my life when they do this. Pair it with a dead eyed eyebrow raise, and you’re good.
Torin
Him: “Ports have boats in them”
You: “Actually if it’s a port of any size they’re probably mostly ships not boats.”
My response to obnoxious pedantry is to up the ante, but that’s just me.
January
Love this.
anon
Ask him what airports have. Or, if you live in a city with an underground metro, ask him where the hole in the ground leads to.
MNF
just snorted. this!
Anonymama
Unfortunately, if people already think you’re dumb, this kind of sarcasm often goes right over their heads, and just reinforces the idea that you’re dumb (ask me how I know).
Anon
I’m job searching, and I have a resume gap of several months. I took this time for personal reasons and used it to move back to a certain geographic region. Should I address this in a cover letter? And how necessary are cover letters in general? Young professional fwiw.
Anonymous
How many years of career history do you have?
Anonymous
Always do a cover letter, but no need to explain a couple of months – personally I don’t even view that as a gap, it could be a vacation.
been there, done that
I would not waste your cover letter space for it. Unless you’re talking about anything over maybe 8 months or so? People will read into your resume about the location change and understand. Also people will understand that finding a new job usually takes some time. if and WHEN! you get interviews, you can talk about the time gap then.
and yes, cover letters are necessary, even if they don’t get read. make one great, general one that you can use as a base model, then tweak according to field, job, company, etc
— Job Hunter for 5 months of 2017 and 4 months of 2018 :)
Idea
How recent is the resume gap? Is it the most recent thing on your resume? Is it before your most recent thing?
If your most recent job ends in June 2018, and from June 2018-present you’ve been job searching in New Geographical Area City, then yes, say that in the cover letter.
If your most recent job is… now, and resumee gap is before that, don’t mention it but be prepared for it in the interview.
OP
It is the most recent thing. I should have mentioned this!
Anonymous
1. No, you don’t need to address the gap. A few months is not very long and they will see that you moved geographic locations. I took almost a year off work and my new employer didn’t notice the gap (had been out of school for a decade). If they ask, you’re being honest when you reply that you moved from X to Y during that time and began searching for a job.
2. Yes, you must have a cover letter, it is essential. Send it to a trusted person for reviewing. Don’t address the gap.
Anonymous
I think addressing a gap in employment is helpful. Were you fired from the last job before your gap in employment? That is what your potential new employer will assume, so it’s best to say something.
Anonymous
Not in a cover letter though. A CL is your “sell” – it where you make your experience and background tie into the job. The only things to address are why you’re right for the role, and possibly geography if you’re applying out of area.
Anonymous
No, your potential employer will not look at gap in your employment and assume you were fired! Don’t even let that thought enter your head. People know that working is much more dynamic now, with gigs, and “right sizing” and downsizing. Potential employers will look at the gap, and will wonder what you’ve been doing. Be prepared to answer this confidently — I took some off to move to X place because Y and I’m really happy to be settled here and getting back to Z work.”
AnonZ
I think you could go either way here. I review a lot of resumes and I would definitely notice if someone’s last employment ended 8 months ago in a completely different geographic region. It probably wouldn’t stop me from interviewing them if they otherwise looked really good, but it would catch my eye.
You could address it briefly in your cover letter, like “After spending the past several months relocating and resettling my family from Boca Raton to Fargo, I was so excited to come across this opening for an Alpaca Groomer, as it aligns well with many of my skills and career objectives.”
Cat
I’m a similar height, Kat — curious if you thought a quick $10-$15 drycleaner hem wouldn’t have worked here?
Kat G
Probably – I was trying it on total last minute though!
Anonymous
Med student here trying to figure out this bedside manner thing and thought the post about the cardiologist this week was interesting. So more generally – how do you like doctors to act in the exam room, and what do you dislike? I’m getting some of it by watching residents but many are naturally charismatic (I think) and can easily make conversation with anyone. I OTOH am quieter, don’t know what to say so I like getting in and getting out, though multiple residents have said that in an office based setting, all patients want to be put at ease even if they don’t seem nervous so I HAVE to interact. So help me out – positive/negative interactions you’ve had with doctors (not really thinking of this as student specific, more for next year onwards), things they should/should not mention?
Anonymous
I want a doctor to introduce him or herself and call me Ms. until I say “please use first name.” I want the doctor to explain why they are there and who they are if we are in a hospital. I want them to ask why I’m in today but acknowledge what they know like “I see from reception that you have a rash, is that what brings you in.” I want them to listen and ask questions and at the end of the visit do a recap and ask if there’s anything else going on, and I never want a doctor who is not my primary care doctor doing a physical to comment on my weight unless it is relevant to the treatment, ie being overweight didn’t give me pink eye so write an Rx and leave me alone.
It worries me that you don’t know what to say, because to me that says you aren’t curious enough, don’t value time with a patient, and aren’t doing your best to heal.
Anonymous
Yes — if you are “Doctor Smith” don’t call me Cindy; call me “Ms. Brown” unless you then say “call me Lenny”
Anononon
A thousand times yes to this. We’re either both using last names or both using first names. I guess given the poster below who wants her first name used, maybe ask? But this is my number one pet peeve at the doctor’s office. Second is being made to sit up on the exam table when we are just having a conversation about my care, not doing any examining. Let me sit in the other regular sized chair so we are having a normal conversation at eye level!
Anon
On the other hand, I’m really put off when doctors call me Ms. We are having a personal conversation, I’m normally sharing information that I don’t with others in my life, and I want to feel closer (acknowledging that it is a fake feeling) to them then as created by calling me by my last name.
The other recommendations sound good. And I think the fact that you are worried about this is a good sign. I’m also not outgoing with new people, and often don’t know what to say when I meet someone. But I don’t think anyone would say that I’m not curious enough, and I’ve certainly been curious enough as an attorney to succeed.
BabyAssociate
Yeah I agree. Someone calling me “Ms.” instead of my first name seems very outdated. To each their own.
NYCer
Same here. Please don’t call me Ms. Last Name!!
Anonymous
This is so strange to me. I find it overly formal and cold when addressed by my doctor as Ms., I much prefer first name. And I will always address my doctor as Dr. X — they earned that title by virtue of going to medical school.
Anonymous
Just be yourself :) I’m in DC and have interacted with two residents (and two supervising physicians) at GW this week and they were all friendly and understanding. That’s all I really want from a doctor – someone who’s friendly and understanding/listens to me. And in the last month, goodness, I’ve seen 11 residents and physicians. Some were more business-like, some were chatty like we could be best pals, but do you know what all of them did? Listen and empathize. “Good morning, I’m Dr. X, I understand you’re dealing with Y?” [Ask more questions as needed.] “Goodness, that must be [difficult/uncomfortable/pick an adjective] to deal with.] Well, here’s what we are going to do / can do to fix this…” And then give options – because it’s my body and I get to decide.
I wouldn’t worry about this too much. It’ll come as you get more experienced :)
anon8
Negative experience with my OB/GYN – At my yearly appointment, she always acted disappointed when I said I didn’t want kids. Once she even said that I would have such cute kids.
I appreciate it when a doctor really listens to my concerns and is just generally kind and polite. I don’t necessarily need someone outgoing or charismatic.
Ouch! That hurts
This! WHen I mentioned that the consequences of my eye nerve palsy were still present, I was told “of all the eye problems to have yours is easy.”
Well, it’s NOT easy for me. I’ve lost the ability to do all my passions and some life functions (like using a mixer). So really…
I’m a doctor fyi.
I want someone to be curious, interested, and empathetic. If I say something has changed my life, that’s something to either reassure me or empahtize, not dismiss me. We all have different lives.
As a resident, you’ll start picking this up as you see more people. Esp. those who are patient with you, you’ll learn alot that way. Also, find a mentor to observe rather than your peers…
You can do this! Some of my best doctors and problem solvers have been introverted physicians (like myself). Go get em!
Anonymous
+1000 You are not there for your personality. Be kind, listen.
Just. Listen. Please.
Yeah, I think “believe your patients and show and tell them you believe them is key.”
Like when I said I wanted a birth control that I can forget about and the doctor told me that I’d be fine. and now I have a 2yearold.
Belle Boyd
My OB/GYN always acts put off when she sees me because I don’t have/never will have kids. I’ve been told that she just lives for delivering babies and any patients she has that aren’t going to give her that opportunity are a waste of time. Lately I’ve been seeing the nurse practitioner in her office. It’s been a MUCH more pleasant experience.
Anonymous
Find a gyn who doesn’t deliver babies anymore. Wait times are better too!
Delta Dawn
My best interactions with doctors are when they listen to me. I look for doctors who make eye contact while I am talking. If they do that, I don’t really notice what they mention (or don’t mention) as small talk. And people are probably different on whether they want small talk or not, but I am fine with a simple “How are you today” and then moving on to why we’re here. I don’t really need small talk from my doctor. But I do want to feel like they are a nice person and that they listen to me. I think you can be quiet as long as you are not… gruff. I know as women we are unfairly instructed to smile, but smiling or at least having a welcoming expression goes a long way for making me feel comfortable with a new doctor. If my doctor smiles/has a welcoming expression, asks me “how are you,” then “what brings you in today,” and then makes eye contact and nods while listening to me, I consider it a positive interaction.
SC
+1 to eye contact. It seems to have become more difficult for doctors to maintain eye contact with EMR systems–they’re often having to check specific boxes on a computer or iPad, and for whatever reason, it seems harder to maintain eye contact while using the electronics than it did with paper records on a clipboard.
My favorite doctor is my OBGYN. She does very little chatting, and I imagine some people would consider her brusque. She is usually in and out of the exam room in a few minutes. But in the time she’s there, she listens. She takes my concerns seriously. She treats me like an adult who knows my body and can understand basic concepts. She discusses treatments options, including risks and benefits and timelines, and asks for and listens to my feedback. She follows up on pauses/hesitation in my voice and is good at recognizing when I’m holding back. She asks if there’s anything else I want to discuss before she leaves.
Pen and Pencil
I have always really liked doctors that did the following:
1. Listened and HEARD me when I said I had an issue. I.E. if I went in for acne, and am telling you it is way better right now then the rest of the month, it is!
2. Told me WHY she recommended a treatment plan. I had an issue where the doctor recommended some medication that had some potentially bad side effects. I appreciated that she gave me the alternative options, why she thought that the medication she recommended was the best, and then let me choose the option that I agreed with. 99% of the time, I went with her opinion, but occasionally I felt sicker than she thought I was and asked for a steroid that she didn’t think I needed, and sometimes I went with less medication. This path also let me factor in things like not wanted an $80/month drug without trying the cheaper but usually less effective drug first. She was awesome about being conscious of the costs of medical care for me, which I loved.
pugsnbourbon
I really like my current gyno and GP – they’re very different, but they both LISTEN to me. I don’t need a ton of chitchat or small talk. I need someone who looks at me when I talk and asks follow up questions.
Anonymama
Yes, treat a patient like an actual person, listen to what they say, and tell them what you are doing to them and why (briefly).
Anonymous
I appreciate a bright hello and maybe a handshake at the beginning of a meeting with my doctor. I don’t need small talk beyond that. I like it when doctors show that they are listening, ask intelligent follow up questions, and do not brush off my concerns. I value competence much more than bedside manners in general, but there is a certain limit to that (e.g. rude questions/responses about personal non-health issues are just not a good idea ever).
Diana Barry
I judge doctors by how well they can tell how educated I am. I don’t like the ones who talk down to me/condescend/use small words. Really liked the last ortho I saw, she looked at me while I was talking, suggested a few things, and made me feel like I had some agency.
Anonymous
So I picked my OBGYN because she’s a little punk rock – she has dyed hair, tattoos, piercings and seems very nonjudgmental. I feel like I can raise any issue with her based on how she looks and approaches topics (there is zero pearl clutching and I think that’s key in a doctor).
Anonymous
I generally agree with the above – make eye contact, try to ask genuine questions and really listen. I will say that the most unsettling thing for me recently is when a doctor in a hospital (this was pre-surgery) asks *me* why I’m there and what the doctor is supposed to be doing that day. Um… isn’t it on your chart that you’re literally holding in your hand? Shouldn’t *you*, the doctor know what you’re about to do to me? I get that some of it is that they want to make sure the patient is aware of what’s happening (foot surgery and not shoulder surgery), but specifically in my interactions, they never confirmed if what I said was correct. I was also having back surgery on a specific part of my spine, and I was genuinely worried that I had said the wrong vertebrae name. My husband finally asked, “is what she’s saying correct? we’re not doctors and it’s not helpful that 6 different people have come in here to ask and not one of them has confirmed if the answer we are providing is what you have written down as what you are going to be doing to my wife today.” Okay… rant over.
LaurenB
That is standard though -it’s no different from the hospital nurse asking you to state your name and birth date before handing you meds, even though your name is on your wristband and she’s been your nurse for 4 days now. Don’t read anything into it. Yes, they know what part they are operating on.
Torin
Any questions about my life should be asked and answers to them accepted entirely without judgment. E.g., at the OBGYN, information about my sex life is relevant and important to ask, but I’m not interested in my doctor’s opinion about my choices. The good doctors ask if you’ve been sexually active in the last year as a yes or no question, regardless of your marital status, and then if the answer is yes, ask if you’d like an STI test. They don’t blink, they don’t give you a funny look, they don’t judge, and they definitely don’t ask how many partners you’ve had. I once had an OBGYN ask how many and I never went back.
OP I applaud you for being introspective enough to know that this is something you need to work on. It’ll get easier with practice!
PolyD
The 99% Invisible podcast just had an episode called Breaking Bad News, on how doctors can be trained to talk to patients. It was really interesting and very informative.
They talked about the SPIKES method – Setting, Perception, Invitation, Knowledge, Empathy, Strategy and Summary – for communicating.
This will probably be moderated until next week, but here’s a link to the podcast:
https://99percentinvisible.org/episode/breaking-bad-news/
Anonymous
I don’t think you have to act like anyone’s BFF – in fact if you don’t have the charisma for that, it comes across fake. As others have said, be kind and recpetuve to what they’re saying, ask questions etc. I think being receptive, non judgmental is important because that’s what allows people to tell you things they may not want to discuss but you need to know.
As a rule — don’t outwardly judge their lives. Doesn’t matter if you’re disappointed that they’re single or want no kids or are gay or a pole dancer; chances are those things aren’t what caused their blood pressure issue or eye problem or whatever so stay out of it. Be careful not to convey your disagreement verbally or via skeptical looks.
Don’t be rude just because you have the authority to do so esp when the patient is trying to cooperate. I’ve run into this more with techs/nurses but have seen it in MDs too. Just yesterday had an ultrasound involving poking around my ribs. It hurt though I was doing what I was supposed to with a few flinches in there; every time I flinched, the tech barked at me – what’s wrong; don’t move etc. ANY acknowledgment of discomfort would’ve been better than that, even ignoring me would’ve been better. So the dr walks in half way through to look at the test, sees me flinch once and HE says “sorry about that, we’re almost done” — even though HE had nothing to do with it and was standing there looking at the screen. Told me a lot about his bedside manner.
Anonymous
Making eye contact is very helpful for me; I hate it when doctors sit behind a computer to take note in a chart or read the chart as we are talking. It makes it feel like they are not listening or only catching part of what I say because they are too busy trying to take notes/read the file.
MNF
I think you’ve gotten really good advice here, but I just wanted to echo that it will come with practice (especially if you care enough to ask this question here). When I first started out as an attorney, I was very nervous about making calls to clients and other contacts. I’m not a very shy person and can chat with pretty much anyone, but I was worried about “being professional” on the phone. Like anything else, you do it for awhile and get comfortable!
Seventh Sister
For the love of God, do NOT call me “Mom” unless you are one of my children. You can call me by my first name, Ms. Sister, or even Mrs. So-and-so (even though I never changed my name), or ask me for my name, again, but do not call me Mom. I find it super patronizing and lazy.
Jdubs
We switched pediatricians after she only referred to me and my daughter as “baby girl” and “her mommy”. After 9 months I had enough. You can’t ever bother to look at our chart?
Rainbow Hair
My two favorite doctors were sympathetic — should be obvious, but the rest haven’t really been. One was a family practitioner who I saw in law school and afterward, mostly for migraines. He was just really willing to communicate “yeah, that sucks!” And the doctor who I saw while I was pregnant, same idea. I would tell her my back hurt and she’d say “ugh, yeah that happens in pregnancy because blah blah. Have you tried blah? Ugh, I know it’s so uncomfortable, here, let me see if blah blah.” Just those few interjections that made it a human-to-human relationship really really really helped.
Contrast: I saw a derm for a skin check this week and he was just running his hands over my mostly-n@ked body going “fine, fine, fine, nothing, fine” and that was it, and it was like… um… I’m here? I felt like a corpse or something, like there was no acknowledgement that the body he was dealing with was attached to me, the human?
Anonymous
I cannot stand going to the doctor and have major white coat syndrome – despite being a smart person, I feel like a tongue tied idiot every time I talk to a doctor and my blood pressure always is through the roof the first time they take it. I would strongly prefer to never see a doctor again. When you walk in, in the white coat, I immediately feel like a 13 year old girl faking a stomach ache to get out of going to school. Having said that, here’s what would help.
I want you to assume that I’m smart. I cannot stand being talked down to by doctors. I have two Ivy League degrees. I respect your education and experience, but I want you to respect mine as well.
I want you to take what I have to say seriously. I am petrified that you will dismiss my concerns; please don’t do that.
I want you to be nonjudgmental.
I want you to ask me questions that help elicit what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t know what to share, or I hold back because you seem busy and like you’re trying to rush out. Ask me questions.
Senior Attorney
I was in the hospital with my husband this past weekend after he crashed his bicycle (he’s going to be fine but it was horribly scary) and I saw a bunch of doctors. My takeaway is I don’t care much if you are warm and fuzzy but I do care if you give me the information I need. And the information I need is “am I going to be okay?” If you are going to be throwing around words like “traumatic brain injury,” for example, you need to be prepared to tell me all the ramifications of that and what the range of outcomes is and when I can expect to have the next piece of information. And then follow up even if it’s to say “we don’t know right now but will have more information at x time.”
Anon
I currently live in a small rowhouse (about 1200 square feet) with 2 bedrooms and two bathrooms. My bi-weekly cleaner charges $140. Now we are moving to a larger house, with 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, probably over 2500 square feet. What do you think is reasonable for cleaning the bigger house? I’m in DC. I’m a little nervous about how much more expensive it’s going to be, even though I like my cleaner and I certainly want to be fair to her. I’m also thinking about just asking her to clean the bathrooms and the kitchen, or just the first level and the bathrooms.
Anonymous
Do you need all 4 bathrooms cleaned biweekly? I have 3 full baths and a half bath, but one of the full baths is in our family/rec room. We have her do that one monthly and skip the dining room.
Anonymous
$350-400
Anonymous
NoVA. My housekeeper charged $80/wk when I lived in a 900/2/1 condo and is $120/wk now that I’m in 1400/3/2. I happen to LOVE her if you want her info…
Batgirl
Also in NOVA and ours charges $95 to come every three weeks (less if it’s more frequent), but is admittedly a bargain. 4BR, 3.5 baths.
Beth
$140 seems high–are they doing things like laundry etc? Ours charges $90 for a biweekly clean of a similar size house (1.5 bathrooms, 2 beds, but one is set up as a den). Also in DC
Anonymous
I was intrigued by yesterday’s BR post so stopped by a store on my way home. Ended up picking up a nice basic black suit, which came to about $140 after using my BR card (they’re having a friends and family discount, I think it’s 40% off without a BR card and something extra with a card). Just wanted to pass this along!
Anonymous
I am a BigLaw equity partner and have been shocked at how hard it has been for me to find a lined wool suit for any amount of $ that fits me better than BR. I am curvy, so I need something like the Logan fit, and short, so I need jackets to come in a petite.
Boss, I want to love you, and can finally feel OK about spending Bo$$-type $, but it has never worked for us. It’s not you, it’s me.
C2
I was recently impressed, too. I haven’t worn a suit regularly since 2012, needed one for a consulting project, and what I haven’t offloaded to Dress for Success (all now too big) felt dated. Sizes going in and out of stock is a little frustrating. I would have preferred navy, but both pieces I wanted were in stock in black, and ultimately I’m pleased, it doesn’t read as a harsh black to me. After using codes and a bunch of card reward dollars I paid $46.
Anonymous
Yes! All my new suits recently have come from there. I have also been really happy with the BR Factory pieces I have picked up recently – some shirts for under suits and a blazer in a fun color.
Victoria
Going to Burlington Vermont this weekend, any recommendations for easy-moderate hikes (will have a car) and restaurants?
Originally From Vermont
The town of Stowe is beautiful and has many restaurants. Check out The Skinny Pancake in Burlington. Cammel’s Hump is an easy to moderate hike. If Shelburne Farms is open, go there for a nice meal. For more casual, I really like Good Times Café in Hinesburg.
Transplanted to VT
Eagle Mountain, north of Burlington in Milton, is a casual, short hike, but it is usually very quiet up there. Apparently it is Burger Week, pick up a (free) Seven Days newspaper, and pick whatever looks best to you. I have also been very impressed with the various Vietnamese, Thai, and even Nepali food around here recently if you are looking for something different. There are a million and one breweries around, and most have some pretty great food menus as well.
Sarabeth
Hen of the Wood! Also Misery Loves Co. in Winooski.
If you are driving that way, the bakery in Vergennes is amazing. If you’re into cider, I love the Shacksbury tasting room, but it’s a drive from Burlington.
LF
Mt. Philo. Half an hour south of Burlington in the town of Charlotte. Camel’s Hump is not an easy-moderate hike unless you are at a high level of fitness.
I second Hen of the Wood (Waterbury location better than Burlington) and urge you to check out Honey Road in Burlington at Church & Main Street if you can get reservations. It’s not easy to grab them on the weekend.
opal
Is the second date too soon/weird/intense to ask a guy if he’s looking for something serious? I don’t mean that he should know already if he wants to be with me, but whether generally he’s looking for fun or a relationship. I’m already feeling smitten and while my profile says I’m looking for a relationship, his is conveniently blank. Thinking about gardening among other things and I don’t want to have mismatched expectations. Is this just one of those things you have to feel out and not come out directly and ask about?
BabyAssociate
I think that’s a fair question. Like you said, you’re not asking whether he wants a relationship with you, but whether generally he’s looking for fun or a relationship.
Anon
But like, what do you think he’s going to say? He knows you’re looking for a relationship. Unless he’s exceptionally self-aware he won’t say he only wants fun (and if he is, it’s likely listed on his profile already). I don’t know how to approach this, but this is one of those questions where you won’t get the true answer.
BabyAssociate
Why would it likely be listed on his profile already? OP said it was blank. Maybe you wouldn’t get a totally true answer, but I think it’s still worth asking what his general mindset about dating is right now, if he gives a cagey answer…that’s still an answer.
Agree
I think it’s blank because he’s not looking for a relationship. He is looking for fun. But he doesn’t put “I’m looking for fun” on the profile because he would also like to have fun with you, even if you ARE looking for a relationship. So she can ask the question, but as Anon above said… what do you think he’s going to say? You won’t get a true answer… but you will get an answer that you can evaluate for clues. Just don’t take it at face value.
Anon
That hasn’t been my experience, although I assume that some guys just line. In my limited experience, many guys who are just looking for hook-ups/casual sex are pretty up front and honest about it.
Anon
I don’t think it’s right to assume he’ll lie. That hasn’t been my experience when asking this question wihle dating.
Ellen
If you want a relationsip, here, he will tell you what you want to hear but will not be truthful, especially if you are already considering gardening with him and he knows it. Do NOT pull your panties down unless you are willng to accept that you are doeing so even if he is NOT interested in a relationship, but then trust me, you will feel hurt for giveing him access to your coochie and then getting nothing back like a relationship. In fact, I think that once he has had you in bed, he may bolt, leaving you with nothing but a bunch of dirty sheets to have your cleaning lady launder fo r you . That is why I do NOT have s-x with men so causally any more, even tho Grandma Leyeh wants me to to find a guy to marry. I told her it does not work that way any more, but she does NOT understand this. FOOEY!
Anonymous
Not at all. I’m of the “talk honestly about everything” school of dating. You are looking for one person you click with, not the universe of appealing people. If that’s important to you, bring it up.
Anon
I don’t think it is. Be upfront about it so that there’s no mismatched expectations down the road. “I’m looking for a relationship and want to know if you’re looking for the same thing” is a fair thing to ask. If he lies then that’s on him but you don’t want him to turn it around and say “well you never asked.”
Legally Brunette
I have a LK Bennett dress in this exact shade of purple and always get compliments on the color. But I tried this specific dress and found the neckline too low for me, personally.
Scared of Having Kids
I posted this yesterday on the coffee break thread and someone suggested I repost it because they wanted to see a larger discussion. Here is what I posted:
Following up on the earlier thread about having or not having children, I was wondering if any readers are pulling off a more ‘laissez faire’ style of parenting, with or without plenty of paid and family help? Is it possible to have children and not have your life and marriage totally taken over by them? I’m not saying we should go back to a ‘children should be seen and not heard’ model, but surely there has to be some sort of middle ground between sending them off to boarding school (classism aside) and spending every spare moment acting as chauffeur and tutor, right? Does anyone identify with this or am I deluded?
Anon
I wanted to ask the exact same question. Whenever I read “day in the life” style posts from parents, I get incredibly scared at how intensive it is (two hour bedtime routines are the stuff of nightmares). Is that reality for most of you? I’m introvert who needs a lot of quiet time and I’m not sure I’m cut out for constant encouraging and nagging and bribing to do basic life tasks. I wish I were more patient, but I know myself and I’m worried.
Anonymous
Definitely not routine in our house. We walk our kids upstairs, brush teeth, say prayers, and tuck them in. That’s it!
LaurenB
Some of this is self-imposed. No two hour bedtime routines. Read story (5 min), brush teeth, tuck in, done. Some people “train” their children to be high maintenance.
Anonymous
Also, so much of this depends on your kid’s age and personality/developmental stage. Are there nights with 2 hour bedtimes? Yes. Do they last forever or even occur frequently? No.
You learn to find the time for yourself when you can and then you fiercely protect it. When your toddler is in a phase where dining out is impossible, then you take advantage of the quiet house that occurs post-bedtime. Or, when that kid gets older, you use the downtime of sports practice to work-out or read a book.
Anonymous
Yeah sure. Lots of people do. They just aren’t the ones obsessively posting on the internet about it. You’d like Bringing up Bebe.
Anonymama
Exactly. The parents obsessively talking about issues (sleeping, eating, etc) are the ones with concerns or difficulties in those areas, most kids are just fine with most things so the parents don’t really talk about it.
Anonymous
There are two books on this — bringing up bebe and one I forget. Both suggested that if you let go a little, don’t hover, love your kids, everything will be OK.
pugsnbourbon
All Joy and No Fun?
JTM
Bringing Up Bebe has been by far my fave parenting book so far. And it meshed so well with my personal style & what I grew up seeing as well.
Anonymous
I mean you can get an afterschool aupair/nanny and hire tutors but that’s only one part of parenting. I don’t recommend having kids unless you want to spend a lot of time with them. It’s like getting married – of course you want to maintain your career, hobbies and friendships, but why are you getting married if you don’t want to spend lots of time with your spouse?
Regular Saturday night date nights are key and solo or couples weekends are great too but at the end of the day, oarents are responsible for ensuring that kids are cared for 24/7 whether that’s by you, their other parent a nanny, daycare or whatever.
Anon
I kind of think you’re missing the point, which is not “how can I pawn off child care” but rather how to be a parent spending time with their kid, but not ALL their time with their kid. The same way you may want a day a week not socializing with your spouse. It’s quite rude to say “don’t have a kid if you don’t want to spend time with them”, it’s going to an extreme and not helpful at all. If you have strategies or resources to support the more laissez faire type of parenting, that’s great, but don’t be one of those sanctimommies saying “don’t have kids if you don’t want to be around children” because obviously, duh, and also its not your right or helpful to decide who should and shouldn’t have children based on parenting style.
OP
The post you’re responding to is exactly the sort of response that makes me hyperventilate at the thought of having children. Like I love my husband with all my heart, but I don’t want to lose my identity as an individual, and having someone tell me “well why would you get married if you wanted you wanted to be selfish and maintain your own identity?” would be really unhelpful, bizarre, and sort of out of Mad Men.
This has actually been very helpful already, in helping me frame my thoughts on the subject. Thank you!
LaurenB
Well, duh, parents are responsible for having care for their children 24/7 whether that’s them, a nanny, daycare, etc. No one here was advocating leaving their 2 yo home alone.
Our mothers’ generation had date nights, bridge clubs, garden clubs, etc. It’s FINE to want to maintain outside interests and hobbies. I had ppd and part of my “treatment” was the psychiatrist insisting that I carve out time for personal hobbies.
Anon
My parents got a babysitter every Saturday night. They largely saw friends but sometimes did a date night. There were also many, many bbqs, parties, etc for my parents and their friends where everyone brought their kids. Kids were sent to go play with each other (many of us are still friends) and were not allowed to bother adults unless there was blood. Parents had fun with their friends, kids had fun with their friends. We could do one extra curricular at a time and as soon as they were offered at school we only did the school ones (so played township sports as kids but starting in middle school only played on school teams). During the week, my parents would trade off nights to do hobbies. Dad played basketball every Tuesday with his friends, mom and her friends got together in Thursday’s. Friday nights were family night and even with weeknight parental activities we had family dinner every weeknight, but that was a huge priority for my parents. In addition to a lot of time spent with family friends, we also socialized a lot with my extended family (so cousins would play and parents would hang). In addition to hiring a teenager to babysit on Saturday’s there was a lot of swapping of watching kids among friends and family (my mom would do something with us and our cousins while my aunt ran errands and vice versa). We also lived near my 3 living grandparents and did a lot with them (they were the go to option when we were sick or had no school so parents could go to work etc). As a teenager, I spent lots of time driving my brother around (I could use my parents car if I drove him). My parents set a great example if keeping their lives etc while having kids.
Anon
I was going to add something, but you said it so much better *applause*. This is how my parents maintained their social lives as well, but having some nights here and there with just them or just friends, but primarily by melding their existing social lives into their family life. Friends became family friends, family social events were friend and family social events, it worked well. Even friends who weren’t at the same stage in life (ex. not married and/or no kids) were present in their lives – I have strong memories of my Mom’s friends coming over and drinking tea (parents didn’t drink) or chatting in the backyard in the evening, coming over for parties or bbqs.
MNF
+1 I was often the only kid around because my mom had me later in life (her friends kids were teenagers when I was a toddler). I have a lot of fond memories of sitting on the porch half-listening to adult conversation/half-amusing myself with crayons while the adults had cocktail hour. At my dad’s best friend’s house I would get a coke in a crystal (probably cut glass) glass and feel very careful and fancy during adult cocktail hour.
Anonymama
Yes, this. I think the happiest parents I know really enjoy their kids and spending time with their kids, but also make plenty of time for their own social lives, which often can also involve the kids but is not centered around them. Like, you can arrange carpools for kids, switch off with other parents, be actual friends with other parents, spend weekends going to kid activities and sometimes your own activities, etc. Dinner parties involve kids playing together outside, mostly independently, and adults socializing inside. Kids are pretty capable of doing things on their own, biking to the neighborhood store or to school, preparing their own meals, even finding their own rides to things or doing their own laundry. I think this is good for parents and good for kids too, to feel confident in themselves and their own capabilities.
Anonymous
Yep, possible. For starters, read Bringing Up Bebe.
Anonymous
It hasn’t come out yet, so obviously not sure, but I think this is pretty much the message of Bare Minimum Parenting by James Breakwell (aka XplodingUnicorn, he of the hilarious twitter feed about raising 4 daughters).
Ace
I know many parents of young kids who limit activities outside of daycare (to none or maybe 1 at a time).
I have elementary school kids, and I’ve found that it gets harder as they get older and can express their opinions about they want to do. E.g., kids start asking to be in scouts because classmates are in it; kids show an interest in a particular thing and there’s a class/activity that ties into that interest. There are also objectively cool things that kids can do – like my kid’s “harry potter potions” class he took as a 1st grader (and I totally would have signed myself up for the adult version of that class!)
I mean, you can certainly say “we’re going to be low-key parents” but keep in mind that the kids may weigh in as they get older, so depending on how your family works, it may get harder in practice than in theory.
Can you say “we’re not going to be the parents who spend every weekend at soccer games”? Totally. Do a lot of people say that pre-pregnancy and then become the soccer parents because their kids love to play and they are now friends with the other soccer parents, and they WANT to be watching their kids play soccer all weekend? Also totally true.
Anonymous
Eh my parents just said no to more than one activity a week. You can. It was fine.
Chill Mom
I love, love, love being a mom. I privilege relaxed family time over basically everything. I am the opposite of type A when it comes to classes. For example, if my husband and I are tired on a Saturday, we will skip the scheduled-and-paid for swimming lessons and eat pancakes at home. I read “Bringing Up Bebe” after I became a mom and it basically describes how I live.
Here are a few things that help me live this way:
– Live in Childcare – My mom is my nanny and lives with us – a unicorn situation. She plans to move out in the next two years, but I will pay more for live in care as long as I am working full-time. (Note my current situation is not free. We financially support her in exchange, but not having to drop off and pick up is so huge).
– Less is more – I think a simple life is a better life. I have never had a complicated bedtime routine. I don’t have complicated dinners on weeknights. My clothes are all machine washable and black. My house is smaller than one would expect for our income level. I avoid buying objects. I rely heavily on the library for (free!) books and kid activities so there is less stuff for me to plan, buy, and have in my home.
– Choose location – We chose our house because of its location. We are less than a five minute drive from all the (public) schools our kids will attend. We are walking distance from the highschool, so the kids will be able to get back and forth on their own if necessary. (Teens in my neighborhood will walk home after practice or rehearsal – fewer pickups for me)
BUT with all that said, if your kid loves something you will want them to enjoy it, grow, and learn. Their joy will become your joy. I fully accept that there may be many activities in my future. My husband and I are working, paying down debt, saving, and investing so we can pull waaaaaaaaaaaay back from working when we get to that phase. Check out Journey to Launch, Frugalwoods, or Mr. Money Mustache if that sound interesting to you.
Seafinch
I responded (lengthily) yesterday but this is exactly my approach. We do complicated meals, sometimes (not every night), but they are heavily planned and prepped (weekend)and I enjoy it. My husband does more than half the sweat equity. I do the planning. Bedtime takes 20 minutes in our house and our three kids (7,4,2) all share a room. Lack of scheduled activities, lack of stressful commute (agree – location is everything and people are shocked we don’t have a nicer/bigger house), and live-in care is the trifecta of success for me. I also don’t buy stuff, do birthday parties, seasonally decorate, etc. I love xmas cards and do those, I make the Halloween costumes because I love it and we had a neighborhood Halloween party yesterday where I laid out chopped cilantro, shredded cheddar, sour cream, avocado chunks, tortilla chips and a giant vat of Dinner a Love Story Chili that my husband made. Paper plates/bowls and some cold beer and wine and a full house. Kids were fed and then did the tour, half the parents sat around chatting and having a drink. It was AWESOME and so easy. That is where we spend our capital. We did a similar Canada Day Party and a (slightly more work but still laid back) Robbie Burns Night.
Anonymous
Hi! Yes, I have one two year old in extended hours daycare. I’m a good mom, love my kiddo, but I’m not supermom. I bottle fed him (the horror!) and I send him to daycare for part of the day on my days off (flex schedule) so I can do errands and self care stuff like haitcuts. His dad does 50% of parenting/ household stuff. Once a year we do a short vacation where he stays with grandma. I let him watch tv when I’m making dinner. He’s got a lot of structure in daycare so we’re not doing weekend activities (although we may start swimming lessons soon.) I bought his Halloween costume at target. It wasn’t handmade or particularly creative. I don’t waste a ton of time worrying about rare diseases he could get or stressing if just won’t eat dinner one night.
Here’s the thing : he’s a happy healthy kid who is the best thing that ever happened to me. My biggest struggle has been dealing with other moms’ comments and judgement. I’m just now confronting the new mom imposter syndrome and it takes a lot for me to write that I’m a good mom. It’s really crummy that other parents make it so complicated and scary that I almost decided against having a child. I hope if you’re reading this you’ll be encouraged that yes, you can do this.
OP
Thank you!! This is exactly the sort of response I needed to see :)
Anon at 11:37
:)
Also find your tribe. We’re out there. We just don’t hang out on parenting forums or at lacrosse competitions for two year olds.
Anon
This was me in the daycare years. I’m hitting the elementary school years with my kids now, and I find I want to spend a little more time with them because they can tell stories and interact and they’re just really fun to be with now. But I still don’t stress about most things – we do TV while I make dinner and they share a room with a 15 min bedtime routine and they do swim lessons on Sat followed by a random park district class so they get some kind of sport training. They’re used to Mama going to “meetings” and Daddy going to “sports” a few nights a week and don’t bat an eye.
The key for me has been a partner who is truly doing his 50% for both kids and house. (And can do 100% when I’m gone, without extra coaching from me, and vice versa.)
The other key is a multitude of babysitters since we don’t have nearby family. We went to a private school for PS (one that required lots of parent volunteer hours) and used it as an excuse to get to know several of the families with older kids. That’s our network for 7th-12th grader babysitters, and we pay them well so they tell their friends and siblings to sit for us too. We also made an effort to get to know daycare teachers, who also make excellent babysitters particularly when we want to go out with friends who also have kids – one daycare teacher can handle 4-5 kids with no problem (and we pay them for their expertise too!).
We use babysitters probably 3 times a month. Sometimes it’s a date night, sometimes it’s because we each have separate friend activities, and sometimes it’s just to have someone else do the bedtime routine as a break. It’s expensive, but oh so worth it. We specifically bought a smaller house (see the kids sharing a room) and live a smaller lifestyle than we could technically afford, because we want to feel zero guilt about being able to spend time as adults.
Anonymous
For context, I have four year old twins. I think you can parent however you want. There are certainly things you can do to make your life easier: less after school activities, going to the neighborhood school, having good home routines. However, you have to work harder to set your own boundaries and make sure you are doing the things that are important to you. You will have less time and be able to do less for yourself.
I do think that becoming a parent fundamentally changes your identity. I read a really interesting article on that point (linked here possibly, I can’t remember it). Often, your needs as an individual will come into direct conflict with what your kids need from you as a parent.
You don’t have to lose yourself in parenting, but you do have to be pretty clear about the choices you are making and why in order to parent with purpose and also take care of yourself. Who you are will change, but the fundamental you will still be there.
Anonymous
I think the number of kids matters tremendously and I’m surprised no one has mentioned that. I only have one. I adore my daughter, but she is not my entire life. Adults outnumber kids in our household and although we do plenty of kid-friendly stuff, our world doesn’t revolve around her. We take her along on vacations that are geared towards the grown-ups, we take her to nice restaurants, we all participate in dinner conversation and discuss our days, and husband and I often discuss adult issues in front of her (I don’t mean anything R-rated of course, but we talk about our own work frustrations and friend dilemmas, not just kid stuff). When you have two, and certainly when you have three, the family revolves around the kids much more. We also get done with each stage of parenting much faster than families with more than one kid. Kids get a lot easier around the age of 4 or 5 and unless you have them SUPER close together (which has its own challenges), each kid significantly lengthens how long it takes until your youngest reaches the more independent ages. One has been the perfect balance for us – we’re parents but still have identities outside of that.
Anon
+100. I commented below as a parent of a 1 year old and a 4 year old. If we hadn’t had our second kid, we’d be living the easy life right now. Two kids is much harder than one. I have no regrets – I love having two – but it is extending our time in the hardest parenting years, the baby/toddler/preschool phase.
Walnut
By contrast, my 1 and 3 year old are built in playmates. They were up at the crack of dawn this morning (groan…), but then excused themselves from boring coffee and CNBC to play in the basement for an hour.
CPA Lady
I agree with you, and that’s exactly how I felt. And I went ahead an had a kid anyway. I think the biggest things to be aware of are:
1. Societal expectations– you can make your own parenting decisions, but it can be surprisingly difficult to be counter-cultural, especially once your kids are older. I read and loved Bringing Up Bebe, but it’s hard to act like you’re French when you live in America and don’t have the same societal framework or benefits or culture. At this point, our society values a very intensive, emotionally in tune, physically present, and hands on parenting style. And there are repercussions for not falling in line with that. Sometimes those repercussions are acceptable to me, and when they aren’t I compromise on a case by case basis.
2. Your child’s personality — you won’t know this until they are old enough to start having opinions. Some kids are super chill and okay without doing a bunch of activities, or actively prefer to hang out at home or tag along with what you’re doing. Some of them are very active extroverts who will be climbing the walls begging to go do stuff with their friends. You can say no, but you generally want your kid to be happy. Once they are older, they may be very driven and motivated by a hobby or activity and you may find yourself wanting to support that.
3. Your partner — you have to be on the same page. If you’re married to someone who is willing to be an equal partner, it will be a lot easier to maintain some semblance of self.
4. Number of kids — the more kids you have, the more likely it is you’ll have a kid-focused life.
My husband and I were kind of on the same page as you are, and we decided to have an only child. It makes it a lot easier to not get sucked into a kid-focused life. Honestly, my husband’s work schedule and travel have been harder to deal with, because I’m by default stuck with doing everything alone. Now that he’s back to working a normal schedule, we both have time to pursue our hobbies and outside interests and do so on at least a weekly basis each. I’m usually out of the house at least twice a week doing my stuff, and he’s usually out at least once.
FWIW, I was also willing to do a lot of perfectionist-mommy-no-nos, things like feeding my child formula and sleep training her, which made my life infinitely more pleasant and manageable. Her bedtime routine takes 15 minutes, max. I totally think those things are great and would recommend them to anyone. :) If that makes me a monster, then rawr!
SC
I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself in parenting. In fact, becoming a parent pushed me out of a job I hated and into a job I love. Leaving my old job gave me back the energy to take care of myself (gym, losing weight) and get back into a hobby. I’ve felt more like myself in the past 2 years than I did in the 5 years before that, despite (maybe in part because of) being a parent.
I wouldn’t call myself and DH “minimalist” parents. But we also haven’t lost ourselves. Mostly, we’ve just incorporated another human into our lives. DH cooks elaborate meals almost every night because he always has. I go all out at Christmas because I always have, but I bought a Halloween costume on Amazon. We go to birthday parties of Kiddo’s friends when we can because we’re mostly extroverts, and we’ve made friends with the other parents who go to the birthday parties. We arrange play dates with kids whose parents we like, and let the kids play while we talk. We spend a lot of time with extended family and long-time friends, who now also have children. None of that is necessary to raising a happy, healthy child–it’s just consistent with our dynamic pre-kids.
We don’t devote every waking hour to our child. We use grandparents and paid babysitters several times a month to do things without Kiddo. He’s 3.5, and an only child, so we’re working on independent play in the evenings and on weekends. We are pretty relaxed about screen time, which lets us either sleep in or take a break. We tag team the bedtime routine, and it typically last about 30-40 minutes (longer if Kiddo needs a bath, but we let him play by himself in the bath for a bit). The only activities he’s done are swim lessons on Saturday mornings, and soccer, which takes place at school. There are still times when my immediate needs come into conflict with Kiddo’s, and that’s taxing. Overall, though, life can be good.
As he gets older, some things will get harder, and some will get easier. He’ll need less micr0-management, and more chauffeuring. He’ll be more independent on an hourly/daily basis, but have bigger issues. He’ll have his own opinions about what activities he wants to do, what traditions he wants us to adopt (I’m dreading the day he asks about Elf on the Shelf), etc. Also, the grandparents, who are pretty helpful now, will someday need more and more of our help–not exactly about parenting, but that dynamic will shift.
Anon
Elf on the Shelf is a hard NO for me. My 6yo asked if her elf will finally come this year, and I flat out said our family doesn’t believe in that. (We’ve talked a lot about families believing different things, and being respectful of beliefs we don’t share.) I’m am not into a “fun” activity that just means more work for parents. No thank you.
Anonymous
Not having to do Elf on the Shelf is literally my favorite thing about being Jewish.
Anon
Mom of two here – ages 21 months and 4.5 years. I think this can be very complicated. When I was pregnant with my first, I read Bringing Up Bebe and thought, “That’s how I want to parent!” And I honestly thought I would be able to incorporate my kids into my pre-kid life and maintain most of my identity. But for a variety of reasons, many of which I’m still trying to sort out, it has NOT been that way. For one thing, and this probably sounds obvious, but it was something that nothing could have prepared me for: children before age 4 or 5 are so intensely needy, and they need you ALL THE TIME. I sleep trained both my kids very successfully and we still have at least two nights a week when one of the kids is up calling for us for some reason. It’s usually resolved very quickly and everyone goes back to bed within a few minutes but interrupted sleep is the norm for us still, almost five years into parenting. I have basically no time for self care or recreation any more. Honestly, going to work is as close as I get to self care. At least no one is screaming or throwing things and I can kind of plan and schedule my day and know that it will mostly unfold the way I planned.
You can definitely hire help to give yourself breaks, but one thing I wasn’t prepared for was how hard it would be for me to separate from my kids. I work full time and feel intensely guilty about leaving my kids on the weekends with a babysitter. I NEVER would have predicted that I’d feel that way. And I really could use some breaks on the weekends. But it’s hard for me – even if my kids are fine being left with someone, I am often the one with separation anxiety. I think this may be a thing with our generation. My parents left me with sitters all the time so they could have time to themselves. Our generation seems more reluctant to do that and I think I feel that cultural pressure.
I definitely had to give up some things I loved to be a parent. Traveling, for one. Travel with very young kids is really not fun. We do go places, but we are always trying to keep plane/car time as short as possible and stay within the same time zone or at least no more than an hour difference in time zone. We went to Hawaii over the summer with family and it was so exhausting with my 21 month old. Plus the nap schedule greatly reduces your options for activities.
I will say – it DOES get easier as they get older. My 4.5 year old is SO much easier now than two years ago. We are starting to be able to travel easily with her. It’s also much easier to leave her with a babysitter or family because she thinks it’s fun, or if she’s upset about it, at least we can talk to her and she’ll understand when we’re coming back. She has started developing friendships and interests of her own now – we are not her entire world anymore. We can do things with her now that are fun for both kids and adults (go camping, watch a movie, etc.).
I think your concerns are totally valid and worth further examination. Parenthood isn’t for everyone. It’s so f’ing hard the first few years. But it does get easier as their little brains develop. Hope that helps.
Rainbow Hair
I lost myself quite a bit the first year / year and a half of parenting. Turns out I was also depresssedAF. Taking care of that helped me be myself more, and you won’t be shocked to hear that being myself more helps me be less depressed.
Kiddo is 3.5 now, and I’m able to:
– have a job that I like and for which I travel (a stay-at-home husband allows that, and caveat that i make what i think many here would consider to be ‘not enough money’ for our total HHI, but we get by just fine);
– be in the leadership of a fun little social club that meets a few times a month;
– be a good, available friend most of the time (though for friends with whom my schedule doesn’t align it’s harder… like i just can’t do a hangout that starts at 10pm! even though i really do want to see your band play!);
– do my hobbies. i still bite off more than I can chew (like, will I start/finish sewing that hoodie before hoodie season is over?) but it makes me happy;
– take care of myself. i have given up regular mani/pedis but that’s as much because of $ as because of time, but just the other day i took kiddo for a haircut then she sat patiently while i got my brows threaded. i miss out on 45 minutes of kid time to do HIIT workouts two afternoons a week, and i’m in therapy, etc. etc.
I also do lots of ‘my’ stuff with my kid! We do “family date nights” to a local brewery that has an outside play area and food trucks, and I’m taking her on a trip – just the two of us! – later this month. She loves crafts as much as I do, so we do projects together. She loves my social club and sometimes my husband brings her by to hang out for half-an-hour before we get down to business. Including her in those things is great!
I need to work more on just-me-and-my-husband time (that was literally the homework i got in therapy this week) and I’ve been missing watching TV (too much travel + halloween crafting = haven’t had much evening downtime) and I’ll be the first to tell you that life isn’t perfect, but…
Having a kid has definitely changed the ways I’m busy and how I spend my time, but I think I’m still pretty much me. Just me with an awesome kid.
Anonymous
Someone alluded to this above, but I wanted to emphasize it. Parenting challenges are almost all very temporary. When you’re in the middle of something really hard, it’s easy to feel like this is all your life is ever going to be. It’s really helpful to remind myself that things like constant night wake-ups due to teething will only last for a few weeks or month, and then they’ll be behind us (for a while at least). I definitely would not want to parent toddlers for the rest of my life but unless you have a zillion kids the “parenting toddlers” stage of life is really not that long. Maybe it’s because I was in Big Law for 4 years, but I definitely have a “I can do anything for a couple of years because I know it’s temporary” attitude that has been really helpful in parenting. I’m not saying elementary schoolers and teenagers don’t have their own issues, they do, but the issues are very different so you don’t get burned out the way you would if you were changing diapers and waking up in the middle of the night for two decades.
RGH
A friend’s school-aged child was not allowed to wear a Day of the Dead costume to a halloween party because the hosts said it was cultural appropriation. My thought was that’s maybe taking it a little too far (this is in a very progressive city) but am I off base?
Anonymous
too far
BabyAssociate
Yes, I think you’re off base and it is cultural appropriation. I also think it conflates that Halloween and Dia de los Muertos are the same thing, which they’re really not.
Anonymous
This.
Anon
Agree.
Idea
Ah. This makes more sense. Thanks.
Anonymous
These people are lacking in basic manners. If you are the host, you don’t get to police your guests’ choice of attire, especially a child’s (that is the child’s parents’ job and a mere social host don’t get to usurp this).
I mean, do you think they would have shown the door to their boss’s kid in this same garb? I don’t think so.
Anonymous
I really really disagree with this.
The hosts are not lacking basic manners – if someone dressed as a Nazi or a Klan member, or culturally appropriative costumes like Day of the Dead or a Native American or a geisha or any other offensive costume, they are not obligated to allow them into their home.
Peoples cultures are not a costume.
Anonymous
Disagree — We don’t know the kid’s age or anything, really. Assume that the parents bought the costume and are OK with it. The issue is with the parents, but is this something to take out on the kid? And to call the kid out on it?
I doubt the Appropriation Police are going to invite a likely Nazi-costume-wearer to a party; instead, this was the child of a friend. Is this how you treat a friend or a friend’s child? If you have a sincere disagreement with them, why not discuss it privately with the grownups (Friend, I was surprised that Kimmy went in a Day of the Dead costume . . .) , not make a stink at the event itself in a way that lands it on the interwebs the next day?
Anonymous
‘Great to see you. We don’t allow costumes that are culturally apropriative. I can grab something else for Timmy from the costume box or you can join us next year.’
But this wasn’t the situation per the OP’s host – they were advised in advance it sounds like.
Plus the child was indicated as school aged which is 5- 12 at least. Definitely not too young to learn about racism.
I’d be dropping friends like a hot potato if they showed up in a culturally appropriative costume so I would not GAF if they thought it was rude to not allow the costume. I’m not friends with racists.
Anonymous
I’m really amazed that people are conflating a kid wearing a costume with being a racist.
Anon
The costume box? Uh huh sure.
LaurenB
I see nothing wrong with a child dressing as a geisha or Pocahontas.
Anonymous
Maybe next time these people should not have a Halloween Party if they are so sensitive re costumes. Or maybe just invite grownups.
We jump on people all the time for sl*t shaming for how women / teen girls dress and if people were like that with party attendees (you showed your navel/skirt is too short/too much cleavage, go home and change), we’d probably all be livid. But if you can’t welcome the general variety of guest attire at a party for which you choose the guests, perhaps you should consider if you are truly made of party-hosting material.
Anonymous
I’m not sure they handled it particularly well, but I do agree that it is cultural appropriation
anon
Yes, because hosts are not the cultural appropriation police. People wear what they want. If it’s insensitive, it’s on them, but short of a Nazi uniform, just let them into your house. Especially children!
Anonymous
Just google ‘Day of the Dead appropriation’ and read up on the history. Your question prompted me to do the same and I found it very interesting. I don’t think it’s as simple as right or wrong, but the fact that what we think of as a traditional Day of the Dead costume was originally based on a satirical cartoon about cultural colonialism is food for thought at the very least.
Anonymous
These people shouldn’t have parties. This isn’t how you treat a guest.
Cat
I think your hosts are correct that it’s appropriation, but incredibly rude for enforcing it by refusing to let the kid attend!
Anonymous
They didn’t say he couldn’t attend. They just said he couldn’t wear that costume. Swap it for another costume or attend in regular clothes.
Anonymous
Still rude — I can’t imagine ever telling someone’s kid to change their clothes.
It may have been an unintentional offense on the part of the kid but I expect better of adults.
Anonymous
What’s rude is attempting to attending a party in a racist costume.
Anonymous
I think Coco has blurred that line with Halloween costumes this year. I saw a lot of kids wearing costumes that made me wonder about cultural appropriation of Dia de los Muertos, but then they said “I’m Imelda!” or Hector or Mama Coco or whoever. I think it’s good the movie has brought that culture more into the mainstream (yay for kids movies that aren’t all white!) so if it’s a costume from that, I’m cool with it.
If it’s more “I love the cute colorful skulls and outfits that are so trendy this year!” maybe take a step or two back and reflect on what you’re doing.
All of that said, whatever you do, don’t shame the kid. If you know in advance the hosts will find it offensive, be respectful of your hosts and maybe see if your kid can wear something else to that party. If the kid shows up in the costume and the hosts are offended at that point, they should let it pass because it’s a kid and Halloween and it’s the parents’ job to educate them, not the host’s.
Anonymous
Agree with this — my kids loved Coco and anything with colorful skulls on it.
And also agree — don’t shame the kid. Below high school, I think a lot of what kids buy / have are things given to them by parents or as presents. So take up the issue with the grownup — it’s probably not the case that this outfit didn’t involve some sort of parental acquiescence if not approval (“In these days of immigrant-intolerance, we will show out support of Mexicans and Mexican-Americans by wearing a costume showing our support for their culture”).
What does Senior Attorney say, assume good will?
Anonymous
I’ve never heard of school aged kids having their costumes picked by the adults in their lives. And if they were, isn’t that worse? Then the adults I know are picking those costumes. Who wants to be friends with people like that? So offensive.
Anonymous
Disagree. I don’t want my kid around racist costumes. You can take it off or you can leave. I don’t have to tolerate that kind of thing in my house.
Dressing up as a specific person is fine – see all the articles on how to do Moana/Imelda and not be racist. Appropriating another culture is not okay.
Anon
Can you link to some of those articles? I’m googling and not finding it.
We live in a predominately hispanic area but are white, and my kids already are very steeped in latino culture. We got a ton of Coco characters trick or treaters last night and want to prepare on how to do it right when my son starts asking to be in costumes like his friends, or when my daughter asks to dress up like Moana (her favorite princess and who I love because she’s a strong female lead).
Anonymous
As someone from New Zealand, this is talked about a lot. Basically, wear the character costume, don’t paint skin in any way, and you’re fine
Anonymous
Came here to say this. I loved Coco and don’t think it would be wrong to dress up like a character from the movie.
Anon
A children’s cartoon does not give anyone carte blanche to be culturally insensitive. Full stop please don’t publicly suggest this, it makes you sound ignorant that you think a movie makes something previously offensive ok. I hope you’re not one of those people that’s like “my Mexican friend said its ok, so obviously no Mexican can be offended”.
Anonymous
I don’t think anyone said it gave carte blanche to be insensitive? Obviously a movie doesn’t make it ok to be racist. Several commenters have mentioned that they find dressing up as movie characters ok if it’s done sensitively. I’m also interested to read the articles someone referred to about how to do kids costumes appropriately.
LaurenB
Oh look! The gold medal winner in the Woke Olympics! Mazel Tov.
(I’m Jewish btw before you get worked up.)
Anon
Wow, the host is incredibly rude. I’m ambivalent about whether the costume is offensive, but not about the rudeness. I would argue that most of what is called appropriation is actually just cultural exchange.
Plus, I don’t take many on the left seriously on this issue since most support drag as a fun, creative expression rather than the “ladyface” I perceive it to be. People are extreme about children’s Halloween costumes and then positively agog over Ru Paul and it’s hypocritical.
Anonymama
I can’t tell if you’re serious or a parody.
Anon
I think it’s completely fine. I’m not sure where people are getting that the host took it out on a child. Nowhere did OP mention the child was kicked out of a party, just that the host didn’t want the child to wear the outfit to their home.
Especially if it was a pre-party request, it’s rude to not honor the hosts’ wishes. I liken it to “we are a Mormon household, please don’t show up with your boob’s out.” They are offended, their house, their rules.
And yes, a Day of the Dead costume is cultural appropriation. Day of the Dead is NOT Halloween which some of you guys who think its okay seem to not understand. It is a separate Mexican holiday that falls around the same time of year dedicated to honoring deceased family and friends. Honestly, I understand the offense, especially if the hosts were of Mexican descent. Think about it in a different way – would you let your child wear a Dashiki saying “I’m Kwanza”? Would you let your kid wear head feathers and beads saying “I’m going to be in a pow wow” because it’s literally the same thing (ie less a religious and more a culture holiday practiced by one specific ethnic group).
Worry about yourself
“Nowhere did OP mention the child was kicked out of a party, just that the host didn’t want the child to wear the outfit to their home.”
Right, we don’t know how this came up, but if the host was telling parents to please refrain from certain costumes due to the potential for controversy, or the kid’s costume came up in conversation and the host said “oh no, could he actually wear something else? I’m a bit concerned about cultural appropriation,” that probably would have been fine, although possibly disappointing or inconvenient if the kid was looking forward to it and had to pick a different costume at the last minute.
Celia
All Hallows is the time in the liturgical year dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed. Just because it’s been secularized to mostly being about candy and dressing up, it’s still based on the same holiday (holy day).
Torin
Wait so did the host ask in advance what everyone’s costumes were and then tell people whether or not they could wear them? Or was the kid asked to change at the door? And in either case, were other costumes vetoed? I’m just really confused on how this series of events even occurred.
Anonymous
I’m not the OP but I’d assumed that the hosts saw it in advance – maybe at school or some event over the weekend – and asked the parents not to bring the kid to hosts’ party wearing that costume.
OP
Thanks all for the responses. The child was not kicked out of a party. The host and my friend were talking a few days prior to the party and that’s when the host said they preferred a cultural appropriation costume wasn’t something she wanted at the party — and the child wore something different and the parent and child discussed why and all’s well.
Senior Attorney
I feel like everybody handled it pretty well perfectly. Well done!
Anonymous
I think that the question the adults should be asking themselves is “what do we want the children to take away from this situation?” With the information I have, it seems possible that the child in question is just going to walk away feeling like Tommy’s parents are mean and hate fun. If the adults want kids to understand that they can hurt people without intending to, or that dressing up is not a neutral activity, or that thinking of others is part of having fun… then they should proceed from there. I work with elementary-aged children and it is quite common for the younger ones (k-2 especially) to not have an adult understanding of race and ethnicity. Adults should question their assumptions about what kids “know”, sometimes it is more than they guess, and sometimes it is less.
FWIW, my husband is from Mexico and in his own words “cultural appropriation is not a thing because no one can own culture.” He doesn’t give a hoot about kids in Day of the Dead makeup or whatever. I don’t agree with him on this, but it is worth pointing out that not everyone (even pppl like DH who lean liberal in many ways) is in 100% agreement on cultural appropriation and dressing up.
Anonymous
Cultural exchange is such a thing — I was thinking just now of how DVF (and other) wrap dresses were inspired by kimonos and I have a cheongsam-style dress that is beautiful and actually works for my shape.
I see kids in Lucha Libre masks — what do you all make of that? Good that it is more mainstream?
Anonymous
I’d dump those hosts as friends so fast. There’s no need to be mean to a child.
Depends
Relevant ethnicity/cultural group to answer this question.
Coco came out recently and it’s super awesome that kids and parents are learning about dia de los muertos. If the child knows about the tradition and wanted to be a calavera de azucar (sugar skull) as his costume, then it’s not a big deal. Perhaps the kid can be encouraged to learn more about the tradition if he or she doesn’t know about it (in a nice way). That can be great for learning about a new culture.
Honestly, I have more issue with the host referring it to as a “day of the dead” costume. Was it a sugar skull? Do they know the kid wasn’t dressed up as something related to Coco?
Same goes for the handful white Moanas and Doc McStuffins who came by my neighborhood. These are characters. Representation matters, for all kids, and things have escalated to the point where people roll their eyes and yell “PC culture” any time anyone is actually criticizing actual appropriation (like a certain senator), so tell the host to focus on things that actually matter, like supporting protections and representation for kids who are currently locked up by USCIS and Four Winds, who are currently doing work registering North Dakotan Native Americans after the SCOTUS decision upholding voter ID laws that disproportionately affect and suppress the votes of Native Americans.
Their anger can be super helpful on actual real issues. Please stop policing our culture for us. We got it.
Anon
Thanks for saying this. I’m a Caucasian in a diverse neighborhood and I think a third of the trick or treaters were dressed as either characters from Coco or had on sugar skull makeup. Many were latinx, but I wasn’t exactly checking everyone’s race to make sure it was ok to give them candy, so there could have been some black or white or Asian kids dressed this way too. Oh no!
What about ninjas? Can black boys not dress as ninjas? How about the little Asian girl dressed as Belle? Do we tell her she can only dress as Mulan? No candy for you!
I a lefty but this stuff can get way too ridiculous. Let kids be kids.
Trench coat for short pears
I’m short and pear-shaped. I am struggling to find a trench that fits. Any brands to recommend? Or is this type of garment just meant for people with more of a columnar shape?
Anon
The London Fog trench at Nordstrom in petite sizing. Just bought it, and it’s great. I think the issue you’re running into is more one of length than shape. Most of the trenches right now are supposed to be knee length on normal people, so on someone short, they’re below the knee and look weird. You need to look for one that’s supposed to hit mid-thigh and is belted.
Good luck
I too am short and pear shaped, with a short waist.
My trench that I love is a fit-and-flare shape. AND it is double-breasted, and the top buttons unbotton into a wide lapel look, then they button up into a column neck. There is a tie, and I love it and it ties right above my wide hips.
I know this doesn’t help. I guess my point is, look at unconventional shapes and styles.
NYNY
I have a DKNY trench that’s a great fit for my shortish (5’4″), short-waisted, pear shape. The top half is nicely fitted, but the skirt flares out more.
Anonymous
Are any ‘rettes into perfume? I was looking for one to wear to my wedding and went down the rabbit hole of the history, art and science of scent. I never really thought of it beyond “this smells pretty” but there is so much there! What are your favorite scents, perfume houses, types of scent, etc?
Anonymous
I am a hard-core Coco fan, but it seems to heavy/serious for daily wear.
I like a couple of others (Jo Malone — something like a mix of suede and something else) that was good for a day-friendly scent.
Noir
I only wear The Noir 29 by Le Labo. I’ve never found another perfume that I like as much. I was telling one of my friends that it makes me feel like a beautiful spy in an espionage novel.
I do burn scented candles at home, and (like the perfume) tend to gravitate toward more “masculine” scents like cedar, leather, and tobacco most of the time.
Anonymous
I wish I had a better sense of smellbevause I love the history and romance of it. I just wear Jo Malone Earl Grey or BlackBerry and Bay.
Scarlett
I wore Jo Malone Blackberry and Bay for my wedding :) thanks for the reminder!
Diana Barry
I like florals and lighter scents. I hate vanilla and most musky stuff. Just bought La Colle Noire (Dior) and I also rotate L’Eau D’Issey Florale, Rosabotanica, and Acqua di Gioia (that one is more for summer).
Scents for a Dummy Like Me
I am absolutely not a “perfume person” because I don’t understand it or know anything about perfume or EVER buy it. BUT because of a family member’s job I get lots of free perfume. I don’t know how to describe why I like these scents, but they’re not overwhelming. They’re on the clean side of smells. Slightly floral but not cloying sweet.
Scents I love! if you want to sniff them out:
Dior J’Adore
Prada Infusion D’iris
Dolce/Gabbana Dolce
anon a mouse
I really like Tocca and Jo Malone. I got a small sampler from Sephora of Tocca maybe 3 years ago and picked 2 from it that I bought in full size.
Anonymous
Yes! My new favorite hobby!! Look for the perfume book by Luca Turin and Tania Sanchez or blog by Bois de Jasmine. You can get little sample vials affordably on the website Surrender to Chance. Right now I’m really into huge tuberoses (Carnal Flower by Frederic Malle, Fracas) and I also like some more masculine scents (eau sauvage by Dior, Jo Malone wood sage and sea salt, geranium pour monsieur by Frederic Malle).
Gail the Goldfish
I am not at all a perfume person, but a friend gave me a bottle of Jo Malone Cardamom and something? that I love (cardamom and mimosa is the only thing I see on their website, so I guess it’s that though it doesn’t sound quite right). I like that it’s not overly heavy or overly floral. I just wish they sold perfume in much smaller bottles because it will take me decades to get through this.
Anonymous
Santal 33 from Le Labo. Commodity Book is a close dupe (also really enjoy other Commodity scents)
Anonymous
Allure by Chanel
Chanel #19
Rose en noir
Lily and spice …discontinued sadly
Eau d’hadrien
Fleur d’orsnger
Bottega Veneta perfume…forgot name
Women only coworking space
Has anyone signed up to use one of those women-only coworking spaces in SF and if so, which one and how has been your experience? I work from home and would like to get out during the day and meet more people. The Wing is one of them but there are several others as well.
Even better, if one of these social co-working spaces exists on the Peninsula, please let me know. I haven’t found anything so far.
Pillows
Looking for recommendations on a firm comfortable pillow, preferably from Amazon. Our pillows are going on nearly a decade and need to be tossed. I definitely don’t want the super soft kind, medium firm to firm is ideal for me.
cat socks
Utopia Bedding Gusseted Quilted Pillow
Got this a few months ago and love it!
coffee
Have any of you gotten *adult* trick or treaters? I don’t mean older teens, but in the 40-50 age range. We had probably 4 or 5 adults last night who carried their own treat bags and held them out for candy, just like a child would. For one woman, we tossed one candy in her bag, then she reached into our bowl and grabbed another! I’m utterly perplexed – we get a few of these every year in this neighborhood, and I find it SO strange.
Anonymous
Are they developmentally delayed? I’ve had a few adults in their 20s who were clearly developmentally delayed and out with their support workers.
Grabby candy lady is super rude! That’s so weird!
coffee
Nope, not developmentally delayed. I’d be more than fine with that scenario.
These adults did have kids, and the kids lined up first for candy, then the adult stuck out her bag as well (it was always women) and said trick or treat. We gave handfuls of candy to all the kids and only one to any adult.
Anon
Maybe she’s collecting for a sick kid at home? Otherwise, I don’t get it.
January
With no kids in tow? I’ve given candy to the parents who were trick or treating with their cute infant in costume, knowing that the baby is not going to eat it, but I think of that as a thank you for letting me see your adorable baby.
Anonymous
I got lots of parents asking for their own candy when they were with their kids. I thought it was weird, but didn’t care too much. I haven’t gotten adults by themselves trick or treating. That would cross the line for me.
Anon
That is so weird. Tbh, I wouldn’t open the door for an adult trick or treater that had no visible children with them, unless like someone above mentioned they were clearly developmentally delayed, which is difficult to tell, but a dead give away is them being accompanied by someone who is clearly a parent or caretaker standing far back allowing them some independence.
Anonymous
Yes, last night we had an extremely large and tall man come to the door, which startled me for a moment until I realized that he was delayed and with his mother. It was really sweet actually how excited he was.
Anon
I had one of these last night, and it was so odd. This woman was going around by herself and was about 40-50. Like, I didn’t even know what to do when she rang the doorbell.
Anon
Unless they’re developmentally disabled, that is very, very weird and I would try not to open the door.
Anonymous
There was an article about this several years ago, evidently people in poorer neighborhoods do this.
coffee
That may be it. Our area borders a poorer area, and we get lots of kids driven to our street by the carload. Which I love! I’m happy that our street is viewed as safe and fun for kids to have a nice holiday. The adult thing is just strange, though. Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things but definitely makes me laugh.
Anonymous
I know that the OP was talking about adults and not poor kids, but this thread reminded me of an excellent clap back from Dear Prudence a few years ago.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/10/dear-prudence-on-halloween-poor-kids-come-to-trick-or-treat-in-my-neighborhood.html
Anonymous
Could you link to it? I couldn’t find it.
DCR
I often got a handful of them – from last night, I remember 1 adult all alone and 5 with kids who also wanted candy. I think it is ridiculous and strange, but I still give them candy. I’m in a city and live pretty close to a public housing project, and I would guess that the adults are from there. If this is what they need to do to get candy, there are worse things in the world.
Annie
Eh, if money is so tight that you can’t afford candy (which I think is probably the motivation) I’m more than happy to give you some of mine.
Idea
This. What am I going to do… eat all my leftover candy that I didn’t give away? Bring it into the office and listen to people tell me no thanks they’re on this great diet that only eats smoothies? Jeez, just give the candy, unless you really feel unsafe.
Edna Mazur
Could it me the residents of a group home in your area?
DC
I live in DC and got over 1000 trick-or-treaters last night. I would say that a significant chunk of them were adults–some with kids and some without. But they all had candy bags and acted like it was completely normal to expect candy. I confess that it makes me a bit grumpy about Halloween–it’s a kid’s day–not an adult candy grab, but it seems like the path of least resistance to just go along with it.
Anon
I just don’t see why it matters if you’re already giving out candy. Don’t be so grouchy!
DCR
Not the OP, but because it drastically increases the cost of giving out candy. I spent over $40 getting candy (and ran out of candy and had to turn some kids away), and that’s fine when I’m giving it to kids. But to adults? Why should I have to buy candy for another adult?
Sam
Ha, I did not get an adult trick or treater but I was standing behind my two kids (younger one is 3 and new to trick or treating) last night and got offered candy by a kind lady. She also said something like “would your big sister back there like some too?” and that made my day. LOL! Nope just about to turn 40 but in the dark look like a big (pretty big) sister!
Paging NOLA
Hi, cat socks here – Thanks for the follow up on the cat bed! Luckily the little guy likes hanging out in the garage so the past couple of nights he’s been sleeping in there and he doesn’t mind if the door is closed. I have a rug on a table that I kept meaning to bring inside, but that’s turned into his spot and he likes sleeping on it. I ordered the self-warming cat bed from Amazon and it should arrive today. I’m going to place it in the same spot to see if he will sleep there. It still gets pretty cold in the garage so I might try one of those teepee style beds that can be plugged in.
NOLA
Yay! I wish my girl would come in. I worry about her. I don’t have a garage, but she is always on my front porch.
Cassandra
Kat! Dresses can be hemmed shorter! If you don’t have the sewing skills to do it, there are plenty of places where you can have it done for you for not that much money. I am surprised that you would return a dress just because it’s a little too long.
Anonymous
I do this all the time. I know they can be hemmed but I don’t want to pay for it and there are plenty of fish in the sea
Anon
She mentioned above that she was trying it on quickly; it sounded like she needed to wear it fairly immediately and would not have time for the alteration.
Anonymous
I’ve bought some Spring Step booties a couple years ago that were a very comfortable, soft leather but are scuffed and scratched now. Not something that could be buffed out, it’s like the leather is torn or something. Is this just the cost of wearing them too much? I really loved them, so am wondering if I should buy them again or if it’s a sign of a quality problem and I should find something new.
C2
Take them to a reputable cobbler in your area. They’ll tell you if it’s possible to save them and if they’re constructed well enough to make that worthwhile. I’ve been amazed by the things my cobbler has fixed on boots over the years.
Kitchen renovation
We are in the early stages of planning our kitchen remodel. We have a kitchen design being finalized and our designer/cabinet seller told us to choose appliances so that the built-ins can be made to accommodate them specifically. I don’t expect that there will actually be a place for these appliances in our house for months, but I’d like to be able to take advantage of sale prices, including Black Friday. I’d appreciate any advice on how to time these purchases so we don’t delay our renovation but don’t spend more than we need to! TIA!
anon a mouse
Are you working with an appliance store or a big-box store? If you are working with a smaller appliance store, ask if they will be willing to price-match within the next 30 days. Several stores have already posted their Black Friday flyers, too, so you might be able to use that as leverage.
Anonymous
I bought mine during a 4th of July sale and then asked them to delay delivery until September. I think they said they would delay up to 90 days, but I’m sure that varies by store.
Scarlett
Personally I’d find space if you want to get those deals – maybe a garage spot you can reappropriate? Those things can be spotty – sometimes backordered, sometimes available on time and storing them can be critical. If you don’t have a garage spot, I’d find a local dealer who can order and store for you – you won’t get Black Friday deals, but you might get designer discounts and your timing will be on. If you have a few extra pennies, check out the big chill line – they make my dream antique/modern stove.
OP
Wow, Big Chill is pretty!
Anonymous
See if you can schedule delivery far out. Then you can reset the delivery to fit the reno schedule. I bought a w/d and thought if could be immediately installed, but ultimately it had to wait about 2 months. It was not a problem.
Anon
Do some research on pricing now so you can tell if those Black Friday sales are actually good deals. Often they’re not. And if you’re working with a contractor, they might be able to get you a better deal anyway.
Cat
Be careful if you’re going to be storing them for a decent length of time. You could run into warranty problems (like if something is still in the box 3 months later, you open it and install it and it doesn’t work and they blame you for keeping it somewhere too cold)…
Anonymous
I bought appliances last Black Friday due to need and the sales were nothing special – the same sales you can find pretty much any month.
Anonymous
Lowe’s Black Friday appliance sale has apparently already started.
Senior Attorney
All I have to say is that if you entertain a lot, consider getting two dishwashers. We have been having weekly dinner parties and I would give my right arm for a second dishwasher.
Anon
Favorite FitBit or health tracker that can be worn as a watch? I basically want a watch that counts steps and can also remind me to move. I use my phone currently but want something separate. TIA!
Worry about yourself
I like my Fitbit Alta!
Anonymous
I like my Fitbit Alta, I swapped out the band for a metallic one that looks like a regular dressy watch band.
east coaster
I love my fitbit alta hr too! There’s fancy sleep tracking etc, but the key things I use it for are:
(1) step counter
(2) vibrating alarm – i wake up earlier than my partner and don’t want to wake him with an alarm clock, so just having a vibration on my wrist is great
(3) set it to vibrate to remind me to get up and walk around when i’ve been sedentary for an hour,
(4) set it to vibrate and display the contact name or phone number when i get a phone call, and
(5) a watch!
New Job
I got a promotion yay! I will be working with top executives in a large company.
I need a laptop bag that is professional, not cheap looking but won’t break the bank either.
Torin
Are you looking for a tote? Or more of a messenger style?
New Job
I think I would try either!
My laptop is super thin but I would have a lot of papers.
Torin
https://www.zappos.com/p/victorinox-victoria-charisma-carry-all-tote-deep-lake/product/8676451/color/206162?zlfid=191&ref=pd_detail_2_sims_sdp
I’m not sure what your budget or sense of style is. I like the look of these Victorinox bags and they get good reviews. $170 is not what I’d call cheap, but you may be able to find it somewhere on sale for closer to $100.
LLBMBA
Ooh – this might work for me too (looking for work bag advice below). Thanks!
MJ
I have two Victorinox divine totes that I use nearly daily (alternate depending on the season). They are the bomb. eBags often has Victorinox for 30% off. Check there. Cannot recommend highly enough.
Anonymous
I like the Dagne Dover bags.
Anonymous
Too long? That’s the easiest alteration.
A Star Is Born
Any one else still wrecked after seeing A Star Is Born? I saw it Sunday night and I still am tearing up when I think about the movie!
Anonymous
I have an odd problem. I love to play tennis, meaning run around and hit the ball. However, when I have to play for points or serve and everyone is looking at me I can’t do it at all. I miss a serve or shot once and then it’s a downhill slide. I would like to play in a league or something to make friends but the anxiety is too much. Can anyone think of a way around this? Thanks.
Anonymous
Could you start by playing casual, regular games, for points, with a small group of friends? Or take group lessons? Maybe if you become comfortable playing for points with one group, you can bridge to being comfortable with a larger league that includes strangers/potential friends.
Anon
Following this. Same here. For me, the structure of full rules takes much of the fun out of the exercise. One person I know feels the same way so we occasionally get together to “play tennis” which for us means trying to hit the ball *to* each other rather than *away from* each other. No formal serving or keeping score. If you happen to live in the Boston area, I’d be glad to hit with you.
Anonymous
I wish I were I would love that but not near Boston. Thank you.
SW
My husband also struggles with social anxiety and loves tennis. We take semi-private lessons together sometimes. That gets him on the court, lets him meet people casually, and exchange numbers to play. He also bought a ball machine for a pretty reasonable price (I think about $1,000), so he can play by himself, too, which has really improved his game, which helps with the anxiety, and so on.
NYCer
Could you take a clinic or class for a while to get more used to playing with (“in front of”) others? Generally the instructors do lots of drills, so it probably would be good for your skills in general too.
Anonymous
I don’t have a specific recommendation, but you could check out sports psychology books. There are all sorts of techniques athletes use to overcome performance anxiety. You could start by doing visualization exercises — imagine yourself missing your first serve and then nailing the second shot, etc.
Anonymous
Barry Green, The Inner Game of Tennis!
Very anon!
How out of range would it be for your DH to reach out and lightly grasp your arm while asking you to focus on something you’re doing together? DH and I are trying to get past an ugly physical incident several months ago- both of us started therapy recently. The arm grasp happened this morning – he pulled back immediately when he sensed my reaction. I told him a bit later that touching me in any way when he is agitated is a firm no-go. He accepted but thought I was nuts. Opinions?
Anonymous
Why are you in therapy with someone who is physically abusive? That won’t help. You need to leave.
Anon
To get my attention? I don’t think anything of it. I often put my hand on my SO’s back to get his attention as an alternative to calling his name.
If it was to force me to pay attention to him, i.e. not give you a choice, that would be a problem in my mind.
Box for Fun
Never in my house. My immediate reaction would be to block it, as I box for fun, and any contact that seems aggressive immediately triggers my reflexes. Reasons why he does not surprise me or ever touch me when we are upset.
This depends on the context and yours sounds scary. My husband lightly grazes my arm/back if I am distracted and he is saying something and trying to get my attention. If my eyes are on him and it’s clear I am looking at his face + he is agitated + and asks me to focus on something, I’d take it as aggressive and while I obviously wouldn’t beat him up, I would rebuff his touch and have a serious conversation about WTH he was doing and how inappropriate it was. This doesn’t sound okay. I hope you’re careful and taking care of yourself.
Anonymous
The context of “getting over an ugly physical incident” makes a world of difference. Whether it would matter to any of us is completely irrelevant–it sounds like you have a perfectly obvious reason to think that it does matter.
Anonymama
This sounds totally normal. I often don’t hear when I’m focused on something else so a light touch helps to get my attention, and to me is preferable to him calling my name at an increasingly louder volume. It’s understandable that you’d be a little gun-shy though if sometimes he has crossed the line, and reasonable for you to ask him not to touch you in that kind of situation.
Senior Attorney
It doesn’t matter what we think. He has struck you in anger so he has totally lost his non-consensual touching privileges. Full stop.
And if he doesn’t understand that then you need to DTMFA.
Anon
Without the context of the incident you have – I do this all the time TO my husband when I want to get his attention (often when he’s distracted with his phone). Arm grab or tap or pretty much anything goes and if it’s too gentle it does not sometimes work.
LLBMBA
I’m looking for work bag advice. I work in a flex/open plan, which means I carry a (bulky, 15″) laptop complete with charge cord and mouse every day. I also need to carry a (not small) wallet and occasionally need to carry shoes (flats, generally, on snowy or super rainy days), and then small things too like pens, passcard, keys, etc. I’d like to carry my water bottle too. I usually drive to work, so don’t necessarily need something super light. I’d love organizational features – a small easy to access pocket for my phone, passcard, spots for pens. It’s essentially a mobile office, as I have nowhere to leave stuff at work.
I bought the Kate Spade nylon laptop bag the other day, but I don’t think it’s big enough once I load it up (in the store, it fit the laptop fine, but when I added the cord and mouse and wallet, it was stuffed). I think I need something with a bigger base so that the laptop doesn’t take up the whole depth of the bag.
I am considering the Dagne Dover Legend – which I understand is heavy. I also looked at the Brookline and Seville from Lo and Sons. I’m in Canada and neither of them deliver here (but I could probably order to a US address and collect at some point).
I’d appreciate any suggestions. I’m recently back to work after an admittedly generous parental leave, and am struggling a little. I feel like a functional bag would make me feel better.
anon
If you’re carrying that much stuff on the regular, I would get a nice, polished backpack.
Torin
+1
https://www.ebags.com/product/tumi/voyageur-carson-backpack/365930?productid=10703624
If you have a bit to spend, I like that one.
anon
I used to use a Dagne Legend for this exact purpose. I *loved* it but ultimately it was just too much stuff distributed unevenly on my frame and caused neck/back pain. Switched to a backpack and my body is much happier though I look a little less elegant.
MJ
Posted upthread, but Victorinox Divine tote. Has so many thoughtful pockets. Fits great under a plane seat (and over a suitcase handle). Wears like iron. Has a laptop padded area built in. Tons and tons of thought in the whole design. LURV. eBags has them for 30% off. Only comes in black and navy, but used to come in an orchid color.
MKB
I’m not convinced the Lo&Sons bags you’re looking at will be big enough for shoes – I have the brookline and it’s too narrow for that, not sure about the Seville. If your 15″ laptop is a Mac, it will fit in the OG or the OMG, which will probably be closer to what you’d want size-wise.
Ann Marie
I bought the Donna Morgan ruffle cuff sheath dress at Nordstrom Rack in three different colors as it is a great dress. Plus it has sleeves! And right now it is only $39.
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2016510/donna-morgan-ruffle-cuff-sheath-dress?color=ORCHID