Thursday’s TPS Report: Knot-Front Sheath Dress

218 Comments

1. Loft has a 40% off sitewide sale today, and there’s an item that I’ve been stalking that I’d be willing to get. How often do 50% off sales come around, and should I hold out for that instead?

   1. I’ve noticed that 50% sales come around about once a season maybe? Typically while in transition to the upcoming season. 40% is pretty great though so I wouldn’t necessarily hold out for the 50% sale if you have an item you really like. Back when I was on the listserv for these sites (Loft, Banana Republic, etc.) I noticed that they have these sales literally every 2 weeks or so – its all pretty much a scam to some degree lol

      1. so, for the fashion not-so-literate, when exactly are the transitions to upcoming seasons? I saw a 50% off sale a few weeks ago and forgot to place my order- was that the transition to fall, or would that happen later?

         1. Its really hard to say since I’ve unsubscribed from these stores a while ago because I got too many emails lol so my advice would be to hoard your emails from these stores for about a month or so and take a few minutes to see if you notice a pattern. I’m sure they have a strategic way at timing these sales. The season thing might be more for stores like Zara, who has sales twice a year – once in the fall and once in the summer until clothes run out.

            This is why I rarely pay retail for all my stores (Zara, Loft, Banana Republic, etc.) – there is ALWAYS going to be an upcoming sale at some point.

      2. I believe they will give you a price adjustment if the sale price drops lower within 2 weeks of your purchase. That’s certainly something to consider.

   2. If it’s something I really want, I try to hold out for the 40% off. I don’t get sale emails anymore, but I do check sites regularly and it seems like 50% is often around the holidays (so maybe Labor Day?). But I’d buy it now rather than risk it not being in stock/in my size when a 50% off sale happens.

   3. I use this app called Paribus that auto tracks your purchases through your email account and gets refunds on your behalf. They do take a cut of the difference but at least you don’t have to constantly check back for everything you’ve purchased. I get a few bucks back from Amazon pretty regularly. Link here has my referral code but feel free to check it out without it also: https://paribus.co/i/i6a4WD

2. Are there any questions you wished you would’ve asked before signing your apartment lease? Anything I should consider before firmly committing to a place? Thanks!

   1. Is smoking permitted in the building. The management office told me it wasn’t, but that’s not actually in the lease and they don’t do anything to stop people doing it.

      1. uh yeah. THis happened to me too. I was not happy.

      2. This is brilliant, thanks for this suggestion. I’ll definitely ask about this!

      3. YES. Also, get them to specify about common areas. We had an issue where our neighbor smoked so much it seeped into the hall and into other units.

   2. I happened upon a police officer once when looking for apartments in a new city I was totally unfamiliar with (and where there was no campus housing beyond freshman undergrads). I said I was attending XYZ school and wasn’t familiar with the area and was looking for apartments. He told me roughly the streets bounding an area where he’d be OK with his daughter living in and ones to definitely avoid and never to rent on the ground floor (esp as a single woman without a dog) because they are easily broken into (so if you have a choice: not the first floor) (me: and also the first place roaches go).

      Have you thought through laundry, parking, bringing in groceries, trash, recycling, mailboxes? Also, if a big apartment complex, what if you wind up with a crazy neighbor (been there) — can you move within the complex?

      1. legally your apartment company cannot talk to you about whether the area is “safe” or not

         1. What? No. This is not true.

            1. I’m not an expert in this, but I believe that real estate agents have to be very careful when answering these questions to avoid appearing discriminatory/in violation of the Fair Housing Act.

               http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/avoid-practicing-illegal-steering-your-rental-property.html

            2. At least in Texas, there’s also a risk of liability if they tell people it isn’t safe, and then something bad happens. If there was anything they could have done — better lighting, security guards, etc. — then they will be held liable for not doing it because they knew it was unsafe.

         2. There can be a FHA implication to saying the neighborhood is safe and no smart leasing agent or real estate agent is going to tell you that for liability reasons. They will tell you to look at the police blotter. At least that’s what they should tell you to do.

            1. Yes, this is a major FHA issue.

               Agreed that “cannot” was incorrectly worded. But rather, will likely decline to tell you about the safety of the area.

            2. I understand the history and intent behind the FHA but I feel it has had some negative consequences as well – throwing the baby out with the bath water if you will. I know some parents that have looked specifically for housing in neighborhoods with other small children so that their kid will have playmates. Of course it is illegal for the real estate agent to say anything about this so instead they have to be the creepy people driving through at bus pickup time to see what houses have kids coming out. I appreciate we don’t want to tell people with kids they can’t live somewhere but it seems silly to put up roadblocks to people that are trying to live somewhere with kids.

               We also have a lot of immigrants from a particular country in my city and I know many of them prefer to leave near each other. They find it easier to find grocery stores that carry foods from their home country, churches that worship in their language, medical providers that speak their language, etc. I wouldn’t want anyone saying “oh no one of your culture lives here so you might not like it” but I also would want them to get an honest answer if they said “I’d like to live near other people from my country. Where would that be?”

            3. I’m not sure I’d trust the landlord to tell me if something was safe, anyway. But I’d look for any nearby “no loitering” sights, burglar bars, etc. Also: what is security like? Are people standing around when they shouldn’t be? If so, who, if anyone, addresses that?

               I’d talk to other people. When I worked at a courthouse, I even knew who stole regularly from neighbors to support a drug habit and which apartments were always broken into / had peeping problems and always felt like the next tenant woud have no idea b/c they’d probably never nose around before moving in.

      2. Thanks for this–I could move into either a first or second floor apartment and my knee-jerk was to ask for a first floor, but I thought about it, called back the complex and requested a second floor apartment. The property manager was even like, “Yeah, I would’ve brought it up when we met, but you should really be on the second floor.” No moving within the complex, unfortunately. But from what I’ve heard, it’s got a reputation as being a quiet, anti-social complex.

      3. Parking is key, and people don’t often realize it until they have to deal with a daily struggle to find a space. If an apartment comes with a space, awesome. If you want to rent a space separately, there really isn’t an easy way to do this – find local garages and businesses that rent out spaces, and keep an eye out for flyers advertising a space for rent.

         Don’t be fooled by ample street parking if you viewed the place anytime before 6:30 or 7:00PM. Parking before rush hour and parking during/after rush hour are two completely different things.

         Typically, streets with apartment complexes will have a lot of people parking on the street; streets with houses and multi-family homes with driveways tend to have fewer people parking on the street. You can also sometimes look at the signs for, well, signs: “resident only” signs everywhere signal an issue finding a space, particularly at night; if you see a lot of signs allowing visitor parking (with or without restrictions), it means you might occasionally have to park a block or two away but you won’t generally have a problem.

      4. I also have run into a police officer while hunting for an apartment. Legally they can’t tell you if an area is safe or not, but I asked a similar, “we are three single girls who don’t have a dog and are thinking of living here, would you let your daughter do that?” The officer was very helpful in determining where not to live, and gave us a couple of areas he would recommend. The officer also knew which complexes had super reliable night patrolling and such. S0 +10000 to doing this if you happen upon one in your search.

   3. 1. How often do they pick up trash (overflowing dumpsters are the worst after the weekend)
      2. What is guest parking like?
      3. How long does it normally take to answer a service call? Aka – if my dryer breaks, will it take 3 months to get it fixed.

      Back to parking – I would also go and take a look at the apartment at night/on the weekends to see how packed it is. We took a place with no designated parking only to find that all those empty spots during the day were not enough. Huge pain.

      We also took an apartment that overlooked a pool in San Diego. We thought it would be super awesome. Turns out, the pool is excessively loud on weekends. Sunday morning is for sleeping in, people! Well that was what we thought before having kids.

      1. These are all great questions and ones that a lot of apartment questions won’t honestly tell you, so AR’s suggestions is a good one. If you drive by on the weekend and every spot is filled, you can assume that parking is going to be a headache. Ditto with the dumpster situation. If you can talk to someone who lives or lived there that would be the best way to get information (maybe see if anyone is walking around when you visit). Online reviews can be helpful, but have to be taken with a grain of salt.

   4. 1. Smoking policy and enforcement
      2. Dog waste cleanup and enforcement (my complex will test unpicked-up poop to match it to residents’ dogs and fine them..it means we have a spotlessly clean place!)
      3. Check out parking after work and at night–it may seem like plenty on the weekends, but you may have to park a serious distance from your home during peak times

   5. If you can find someone in the building, ask how loud it is at night. You can’t find out before you move in and it can be just painful. Is it near a bus route? That can just lead to loud brake sounds all. night. long.

   6. What’s the pet policy, and how is it enforced?

      We lived in a building that theoretically limited dogs to 35lbs or less, but the lady with the hyperactive St. Bernard who outweighed her who lived across the hall did not get the memo, and when we asked for recourse (because the dog was jumping on us whenever we tried to leave our apartment and they happened to already be in the hall), we were told that the building’s “recourse” was a strongly-worded letter, and “it’s not like we can evict her for this.” (Ummm, actually, she’s violating her lease agreement, so yes, yes you can.)

      1. Also on pet policy, do they verify rabies vaccination? A neighbor’s dog bit our dog, and they had no rabies certificate (and didn’t know if their dog was up to date)…apartment complex did nothing, even though the lease requires rabies vax.

   7. Questions to ask:
      – how do you get packages (do they go to your door… Does an apartment office hold them, and what are their hours)
      – guest parking
      – rules around use of common space (pool, patio, etc)
      – move out cleaning requirements (do they require a service and will take it off security deposit vs you can do it
      – is there any storage available

      Stuff to check:
      – do you get cell reception in the apartment
      – can you get a cross breeze if you open the windows
      – how dark are you able to make the bedroom
      – are any west / east facing windows going to cause it to be too hot

   8. I always: check the water pressure in the shower and sink, that the windows stay open when opened without being propped up and that they fully close, and that there are no gaps under the front door when it is closed. Ask: who you contact for maintenance issues (there should be someone easily reachable), will they repaint before you move in if it isn’t already repainted and ask whether any little issues will be fixed (e.g. if you see a nick in the wall).

   9. Maintenance – do they have someone 24/7. What happens in an emergency?
      Pest treatment – what is their schedule. If they can’t answer that you don’t want to live there.
      Guest parking. Depending on where you live there are hour limits/or $$ for permits.
      Quiet hours – if you’re cranky like me this will be important

      Also, ask if they have any planned renovations in the next 6 months. Says the woman who was woken up every morning by people ripping her hallways apart.

      1. In addition to planned renovations in the building, also ask/notice if it looks like there’s going to be construction in the area around the building/complex any time soon. Because those stupid construction trucks beeping early in the morning is annoying. I’ve ruled out several places over the years due to “Oh yea, we’re starting our next phase of construction in a few months.” Or my favorite: “You’ve got a great view here… but they’re building another building in front of this apartment soon.”

         1. OMG yes.
            –ongoing construction across the street for almost two years now.

   10. –What utilities are you responsible for?
       –What’s the heating system? The loud clacking steam pipes, electric, gas?
       –What’s the hot water situation? Will you be paying for water/heating that water? Is it a boiler or electric system? If air conditioners have to be installed in the window every year, what’s the timeline for that?
       –How do you request maintenance?
       –How will packages be handled? (Doorman versus left in the hallway versus will always need to ship to your office)
       –laundry situation — in building, laudromat? (And if it’s in building, are there ample machines? What’s the cost?)

       Good luck!

       1. Random, but your note on packages reminded me of a place I lived in that would open your apt front door and leave packages just inside your apartment. Every time they came, as soon as they came. I suppose some would see this as a convenience, but it always felt pretty intrusive to me.

          1. Umm…that sounds horrific. Could you opt out? I mean, what if I’m trying to enjoy some ice cream and Netflix binging in my underwear in my living room and they just open the door?

       2. Make sure to get written confirmation of which utilities you’re responsible for. Sounds stupid, but I was caught out in the past by a landlord who said that water was included in the rent and then claimed he’d never said that when the water company started to send scary letters.

   11. History of pests. Some of the nicest rural places have really bad mice and ant problems.

       1. Truth! And flooding too depending on where you live even if you’re in a second floor apartment if the basement floods every June and that’s where the washing machines are you should at least know to plan. I find asking in a “I totally expect water and bugs in the spring and mice when it freezes and am fine with it” tone gets them to confess every time, I assume because some people really are fine with it.

   12. So much good advice. There are websites you can use to see reviews from current/former tenants on places to really get the low-down on apts. Most important piece of advice to me is make sure you see the actual unit you will be renting. DH and I once saw a 2-bedroom model which looked very nice, modern but they also had a townhouse becoming available across the street that was “just the same, only larger.” They always had excuses why we couldn’t see it – tenant was still there was understandable. But then it took 2 weeks to clean. Didn’t see it until I signed the lease, got keys. Wanted to cry – the A/C was about 20 years old so super-loud, former tenant had been a smoker but they didn’t replace the carpet. Fortunately it was the last time we rented.

   13. Visit during odd hours. I lived directly above a police officer who played video games and music late at night.

   14. Check the bathroom ventilation situation! I just moved into an apartment with no fan in the bathroom, and i’m terrified of mold being an issue because of it.
       Also, if your insurance asks for it: smoke detector/sprinkler set up in the units and common areas.

3. Do you ever wake up feeling completely physically and emotionally drained? I’ve had a busy few days at work with early mornings and then had a fight with my boyfriend last night. While we resolved it, I woke up today feeling like death. I made it to work but don’t really know how I’m going to get through the day…

   1. Hide in your office? I’ve had a hectic week and feel wrung out today. I popped out at lunch to avoid unnecessary social interaction and get some air.

   2. If you can afford the time, maybe just do some online browsing. Let yourself focus on something else. Or go get a coffee and walk about to recharge.
      I work at a University, so a lot of times I can walk to get breakfast and that always makes me feel better. Good luck!

   3. I know the feeling!! This would be a good day to reach out to an old friend – in person, phone, IM, for lunch – whatever you can manage. That always makes me feel better. Hugs :)

   4. I am having the same day, minus the makeup after our fight. Force yourself to take some time, even if it’s 30 minutes, and do something you enjoy. Whatever it is. Just enjoy. Breathe. And remember, things will be better!

   5. Caffeine + sugar + fat. I eat a small breakfast at home everyday, but some days it helps a lot to treat myself to a second breakfast (chai + croissant or similar).

   6. Yay! Another sheathe dress, but Kat, I am not crazy about the green color. It look’s to much like (well, you know what!). FOOEY!

      Anyway, Hugs to the OP and the other’s > yes, I know what you are talkeing about> There are day’s that I do NOT even want to be at work, but instadloungeing by a pool in the Hamton’s or getting a foot masage at a spa in the Pokano’s, but most day’S I do LOVE MY JOB b/c so many peeople depend on me to come up with new and novel arguments to VERY complex issue’s, some of which require my very carful perusal and thinkeing. And, whEN I do have that MAJIC moment when I get a theory that work’s, the manageing partner is so very proUD OF ME!!!1 So you can have GOOD days and bad Days. YOu have to keep that in mind–i.e., “TOMORROWIS ANOTHER DAY”. I use this in my personal life to in that even tho I have NO HUSBAND or boyfreind today, I can get one tomorrow. BUT not by sacrificeing my morals. I will NOT have sex just to get a boyfreind or husband. DOUBEL FOOEY on that!!!!!!

      1. Ellen, you could make anyone feel better.

4. Those of you in long term relationships, what were the early days like? I have been on a few dates with a guy I really like and it feels great but still a little nervous/anxious. When I talked to a good friend about it he was reminiscing about the early stages of dating his now partner and how exciting it was (he’s been in a LTR for about 3 or 4 years). I’ve never had a serious relationship and I’m always curious to talk to my friends who have (seemingly) great, healthy, relationships and get their perspectives.

   1. Yeah, I’d say I felt great, but also a bit nervous. To be clear, it wasn’t anxiety or nervousness about him in particular. I think that excitement is always at least one part nervousness.

   2. Same here. Going on 9-10 months now, so not really long term… I was excited, but I have dated A LOT, so I wasn’t thinking this was ‘the one’ or getting my hopes up too much. I just remember genuinely liking spending lots of time with him (and I love my alone time, so that’s a big deal for me). I also felt very ‘understood’ in a way I never had before which is HUGE for me (and I still feel that way).

      1. Man this is totally me although about 2 months behind you!

   3. I think some people may know what I am about to say . . .

      I understand that since this is your first potential LTR, you want to know how others have felt, but what’s really important is how you feel and not to compare that to others. (Frustrating since you want a benchmark, I know.) I agree that some nervousness is to be expected. After all, you are getting to know someone new and they are getting to know you too! It’s exciting and, as mentioned above, there is a part of excitement that is nervousness – what will happen next!?! That sort of thing.

      I would suggest that you focus on the fact that you like him and are feeling great about it and understand that the nervousness is probably stemming from your excitement about the prospect of a new relationship! Obviously, you want to keep your eye out for red flags and listen to your gut if you sense something is off, but definitely enjoy the process! It is exciting!! :)

      1. +1 to this. I’ve never successfully had a long-term relationship, either, and my tendency is to do what you do – ask everyone I know who’s in a relationship what the early days were like (because I guess I want to know in advance if this is going to work out?), but it really, really doesn’t work that way. That thing that your friend loves about her relationship might be the thing that would send you running in the opposite direction. You kind of just have to try to turn your mind off and go for the ride — easier said than done, I know.

         (And one other thing – I think people in long/permanent relationships sometimes look back on the early days with rose-colored glasses, so I wouldn’t necessarily compare your experience or your feelings to your friend’s).

         1. I think it can become a slippery slope to always trying to match up your relationship to other people’s. I like my bffs husband a lot, he is a sweet guy, but what she accepts as the price of admission in her relationship would NEVER work for me. YMM(always)V

      2. OP here, This is a really good way of looking at it actually. Every relationship is different and even though I love hearing about what others did, it really has no influence on what my trajectory will be at the end of the day. Turning my mind off while still being aware enough to notice red flags, etc is definitely a balancing act but its probably the way to go. Dating can suck, which is why I have to take a break sometimes. But when I finally meet someone I can click well with it can be so easy to go into freak out mode and worry about things to give myself a feeling of control when its not really something you can control – if that makes sense. Thanks for all of your input guys! =)

         1. Completely makes sense! I find that it also helps to remind myself that even if the current situation that I am excited about doesn’t work out, that’s okay. I survived before it and I will survive after it. This relationship does not define me. This reminder helps me to not get completely wrapped up in it to a detrimental extent.

   4. You just have to wait and see, you know? Some relationships for some people are super exciting right from the start; some build more slowly. I liked my husband from the get-go but it wasn’t love at first sight or anything. Enjoy it!

   5. What stuck out for me was how NOT excited I felt. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. It was just comfortable. I’ve had two LTRs. My first long-term boyfriend had been my co-worker and then my close friend for a few years before we started dating. From the minute I first saw him, I just *liked* him. Not like liked him (or as the Brits say, “fancied” him), just really liked him. Everything felt better when he was in the room. I felt more like myself than I’d ever felt and felt like every part of me was acceptable and valuable. Even traits I’d previously thought were flaws, he seemed to think were bonuses. With my husband, the most mundane things — like running errands — were fun. I was happier sitting at home watching Alton Brown with him than going out to pretty much anywhere. And it was all so comfortable so quickly. Within a couple of weeks of dating, we were already running errands together on the weekend. There was zero drama. We liked each other, so we started dating. That went well so we became exclusive. There was never any of the ambiguity or anxiety that other relationships had had. It all just kind of worked. That’s not to say I ever thought he was perfect. Or that I just “knew” or never had doubts or anything like that. But it really was just so easy and natural.

      1. Easy and natural is how I’d describe our early relationship as well. Actually, so much so that I wondered if he was actually attracted to me after our 3rd date because we hadn’t even kissed yet. Turns out he just wanted our first kiss to be really romantic so I was worried about nothing. But overall things just fit.

   6. Like the others have said, each relationship is different. But you can evaluate your relationship to see how the two of you are doing on characteristics of good relationships: Do you feel comfortable being yourself with him? Do you communicate well? etc. If you’re saying yes to these things, that’s always a great foundation for a relationship.

      When I first met my husband, I knew I wanted to be with him for the long haul because I could trust him with my secrets, I could tell him how I felt without worrying what he would think of me, and he seemed to be reciprocating.

      Good luck!

   7. I definitely had nerves, and excitement, and I wasn’t even that into John Brooke at first. He was my first real relationship, and most of my nerves were about that, not him. It wasn’t until I got over that anxiety that I realized I’d fallen for him.

5. Any suggestions for walking sandals for travel?

   1. I just bought a pair of Gentle Souls and walked around Paris 10+ miles every day for a week. I alternated between those and my Prada flats and had no issues. They both worked great! Ill try to find a link, but there are a number of Gentle Souls that look cute and comfy.

      1. these are not them, but are cute:

         http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/gentle-souls-break-my-heart-3-caged-sandal-women/3913375?cm_mmc=Google_Product_Ads_pla_online-_-datafeed-_-women:shoes:sandals_slides-_-1013008&gclid=CJuKgvqgpscCFYU6aQodcoQKCA&mr:referralID=a7dcaa5c-41c6-11e5-bcb1-00505694526f

      2. these are the ones!

         http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/gentle-souls-oak-leather-sandal-women/3889532?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=Silver&resultback=950

         1. cute! but that’s a LOT more than I wanted to spend. Did you find that they held up very well? The other option is to get a $20 payless pair that appear to have a lot of cushion, but also aren’t terribly cute. I’d go for the if I could get a couple years wear out of them.

            1. Born generally has some styles similar to the Gentle Souls , and I find them to be very comfortable–lots of cushion. You can often find them at 6pm, Nordstrom Rack, or DSW (there, try BOC, which is Born’s budget line) for more than the Payless option but likely substantially less than the Gentle Souls. I’ve also found them to hold up really well.

            2. I second the Gentle Souls recommendation. Only shoes I can wear without having to break them in. And I wore my pair of GS flats all over Europe, walked for miles, and my feet were the only part of me that didn’t hurt. They are pricy but often available on sale. Check out 6pm – they have a few options. I like these: http://www.6pm.com/gentle-souls-blessie-dark-taupe-leather

         2. so you guys would say that the ones you’re recommending would hold up well for long days of walking on sometimes not totally smooth surfaces? (going to developing country)
            Some of those soles look awfully thin.

            1. I wore the Bay Unique style for a trip to Italy – lots of narrow cobble stone streets, steep, windy paths, etc., and my feet were very happy. http://www.6pm.com/gentle-souls-bay-unique-multi-graphic-print?zhlfid=139&kpid=31023564&kpid=31023564

            2. ETA: the soles on most of the GS shoes are actually padded, so I find them very comfortable. All feet are different, of course. But I find them great.

            3. Careful with sandals in a developing country. I’ve been doing research for an up-coming trip to Morocco, and most travel blogs I find recommend shoes that cover your feet, as the streets are not very clean.

      3. Bare Traps have great cushioning.

   2. I have the Hayla from Clarks and was able to wear them every day on a trip to Disney with my family. The most comfortable sandals ever!

      http://www.shoebuy.com/clarks-hayla-theme/739982/1540900

   3. I’d recommend Ecco or Naot, but those might be too pricey for you too. But I just did a Nordstrom search, and there are lots of flat / low “comfort” sandals on sale from good brands:
      http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/womens-comfort-shoes?origin=breadcrumb#category=b2374961|f8000834|f8000462%2C8000463&type=category&defaultsize3=&size=&width=&color=&price=25-50_50-100&brand=&stores=&instoreavailability=false&lastfilter=price&sizeFinderId=8&resultsmode=&segmentId=0&page=1&partial=1&pagesize=100&contextualsortcategoryid=0&sort=price&sortreverse=0

   4. Whatever you get, make sure you break them in before your trip. Also, get a BandAid blister stick to take with you. If your shoes are rubbing at all, it will stop you from getting a blister.

   5. I have a pair of Gentle Souls and they are definitely dreamily comfortable but I don’t know about longevity. The sole is very thin and I wouldn’t take them if I were going to be walking around a developing country. They were too expensive to ruin like that. Paris, yes. Rural Guatemala, no.

      But, I would splurge on and use anywhere, Dansko sandals. They are not nearly as cute but seriously the most comfortable shoes ever. I have hiked in Dansko sandals. And they hold up like nothing else (and I think they are usually around $120 full price but you can usually find discounted pairs).

6. What brand of drugstore eyeliner and eyeshadow would you recommend? The last time I bought drugstore eyeliner, it smudged a ton and I got flakes all over my face and in my eyes.

   1. Essence makes good, cheap eyeliner and is available at Ulta. Nyx glide on pencils are also nice (Target and Ulta). For eyeshadow, most drugstore brands are pretty good, but make sure you have a primer or base (Nyx makes a dupe for the urban decay primer potion and more of a cream base product). If you’re having trouble with creasing/flaking, I really like the Maybelline color tattoos–they’re a cream shadow but they last forever and don’t smudge (Bad to the Bronze is the best color).

      1. +1 for the Nyx eyeliner. They have a gel-crayon that glides on smoothly and lasts longer than the Revlon Colorstay I used to use.

         For liquid, the little pot & paintbrush from Wet n Wild. Really.

      2. Another +1 for NYX. I switched from really expensive Ulta brands about 6 months ago and have been way happier.

   2. Liquid eyeliner is the one thing I splurge on (I go for Stila or Smashbox and it lasts me about 5 months) because I wear it at least every other day. It might be worth it to splurge if you wear it a lot. If you still don’t want to splurge, Id suggest the Sephora brand liquid and pencil eyeliner. Its not drugstore but a good in-between in terms of price and quality.

      I’ve never worn eyeshadow but I’ve heard good things about E.L.F products in general.

      1. I wear liquid liner every day, and my favorite is actually a drugstore one – I love l’oreal lineur intense. It was recommended by a makeup artist and goes on easy and lasts all day. (I splurge on most everything else in the makeup family)

         1. Well I only use the felt tip type of liquid liner because its easier for me to apply and I have yet to find a good felt tip liquid liner drugstore brand :( But maybe I’ll give this cheaper option a try! Any recommendations for the quality stuff you use? I love makeup posts as I am trying to expand my knowledge!

            1. Oh I love makeup! The L’Oreal is a felt-tip type at the application point, but it’s more like a rolling ball pen in that the liquid keeps coming out of it (sometimes you have to shake it a bit) & I had issues with more expensive felt tips drying out (Nars, I’m looking at you!). As for other favorites – I like the Urban Decay eyeshadows – for me, they actually stay on & have a decent amount of pigment in them so it doesn’t take forever to get the color to show. I love Blinc mascara – it’s the “tube formula” kind so it comes off in water easily. It takes a little getting used to but I find it a lot easier to remove and it lasts longer too. For hair, I swear by Living Proof Prime Style Extender – my hair is fine so it bulks it up nicely. Despite my dislike of Nars liners, I do love their lipsticks and blush – their colors are really wearable.

         2. +1 l’oreal lineur intense

            This is the one I keep coming back to, but I never quite want to call it my favorite. It’s a solid liquid liner but I just keep hoping to find a better one. It’s about even with Kat Von D, considering the price difference. And I prefer it over Urban Decay (liquid and pencil), Lancome.

      2. An ELF eyeliner actually caused my corneal ulcer, so I (somewhat irrationally) feel that their products are unsafe. It was almost a highlighter color (very pale, shimmery (but no glitter)). Beware.

   3. I have been shocked by the quality of ELF’s cream eyeliner (it comes in a little pot). I use it on my waterline and my top lash line, and it lasts all day without smudging.

   4. I haven’t used ELF eyeliner, but I use a lot of their other products and have been happy with them! Also, ELF is cruelty free :)

      To answer your actual question, if you really do not want it to move, use liquid. It only takes a little while to get the hang of and you can soften the line with shadow if you don’t want the more definitive line liquid products on its own. I also have a gel pot eyeliner, applied with a brush like liquid, that I love, but it’s not drug store priced.

      1. I didn’t know ELF was cruelty free, I’ll have to check out more of their products. I was not impressed by their mascara, but their eye shadow set was nice, and I really like the blush/bronzer combination for an easy step-up in my makeup routine.

         1. Yup! I had the same feeling about their mascara, but I also like their blush and bronzers. I also picked up their primer, which I like fine for the cost. It comes out of the jar a little liquidy, but it goes on and does the job just fine. Their brushes are pretty good for the cost as well!

            If you are interested in cruelty free mascara, I really like Lily & Lolo, although it’s not drugstore cheap. It’s available through Petit Vour.

         2. Totally. Thing I love from e.l.f.: eyeshadow, blush, primer, eyeshadow primer, brushes, and multi use color stick. Things I hate from e.l.f.: mascara.

            1. This is so good to know. I never wear mascara but decided to try some recently and got Elf (because cruelty-free and cheap at Target). It wasn’t pretty, so I decided to give up on mascara. Now I’ll try a different brand.

         3. I love the ELF Prism eyeshadow palettes. They are a dupe for the Urban Decay Naked palettes – of which I also have two – and I actually prefer the ELF ones. I think the color is deeper and more saturated.

   5. I use Almay eyeliner (the kind that comes in a twisty stick) but it does smudge some.

   6. If Cover Girl have a pencil liner called something like ‘liquid effect’ try that – I have the Max Factor version and love it.
      Bourjois too if you can get it; they do a great twist up one.

      1. I love the Cover Girl Bombshell Intensity liquid eyeliner. I never got the hang of using the pot + brush type liquid eyeliner and I find the felt tip of this one makes it easy to apply and it lasts all day for me.

         For pencil I have been using the Cover Girl twist up one that you don’t need to sharpen and it always smudges so I am in the market for a replacement.

   7. I think your success depends on your lids. I have really oily lids and the only drugstore products I’ve truly loved are NYX glide-on pencils and the Jordana 12 hour stay all day pencils. I tightline with one of those every day and both have great staying power and don’t smudge on me. I wear liquid liner every day, but I splurge for the Kat Von D tattoo liner from Sephora. I have hooded eyes so I usually only wear one shadow on the lid, and I’m lazy so I love cream shadows – the NYX chubby sticks are where it’s at.

   8. Loreal Color Tattoo is amazing for a drug store eye shadow. It lasts through my day including a workout.

   9. I recently bought a Maybelline shadow palette that looks a lot like the Urban Decay Naked one and was very surprised by the quality – it’s great. On the other hand, I got some Clinique eye shadow recently and it was atrocious. As in, not even useable it was so flakey.

   10. For eyeshadow — Loreal infallible single shadows, Physicians Formula matte quads, Maybelline color tattoo (cream).

7. Does anyone know of any good organizations that are doing work for the Yazidi women captured by ISIS? The reports are so horrific and I feel so helpless. I’d love to donate to someone who’s doing something to help. There’s always UNHCR and Red Cross/Crescent but was wondering if there was anyone specifically working either to free the women and girls, or at least to get them medical and psychological attention if they’re able to escape.

   1. http://www.yazda.org/

8. I am an attorney in a business formalish environment, and 90% of my wardrobe is sheath and business dresses (I just don’t like to wear pants at work). I have exactly three pairs of pants that go with suits. Well, last weekend while walking some property I evidently encountered a nest of chigger-like bugs and had a massive allergic reaction to the bites – basically every bite looks as though I was bitten by a poisonous spider. While the doctor has given me some topical antibiotics and steroid creams, they have said that it could easily take 4-6 weeks for these deep wounds to heal.

   I am looking for summer options (I live in the hot, sweltering South) for completely opaque hose/tights? Regular hose do not work. Black seems out, white seems out. I’m not sure what colors or patterns would be professional enough, but I am open to suggestions. I’d rather buy tights and keep wearing my dresses than buy an entire new wardrobe for a month, but my legs need to be completely covered. Any suggestions?

   1. It depends on the dress, but I have some beige heathery tights that I really like for winter. They aren’t “hose-colored” at all, more of a soft fawn. I will warn you that this is NOT the most dressy look.

      Also… I am really trying to answer your question as it was asked, but tights in summer in the south!! are you sure that is the best choice when you have an itchy allergic reaction? I’m thinking some loosely fitting breathable pants would help you heal a lot faster. Or else go bare legged and let people get over it. You’re injured, basically; it’s not like you skipped shaving your legs or something.

      1. The OP may have found that covering her bites makes her less likely to itch them; I react badly to mosquito bites and end up wearing trousers so I can’t see the bites.

      2. +1. Fawn tights or just a couple pairs of pants. Do you have a higher-end consignment store near you? You could pick up some nice trousers for less there.

      3. Why would it matter if she skipped shaving her legs? I don’t shave my legs regularly at all.

   2. Do your legs have to be covered for medical reasons? If not, I would just keep wearing dresses.

   3. As someone who is just coming over a serious poison ivy outbreak (I just look at the stuff and get it) where the rest of my skin pops out in sympathetic rashes to go along with the ivy spot – you aren’t going to want to cover up your legs with something as tight as hose. Could you just buy one or two pairs of pants – cheap – to get you through the month?

      1. You have my sympathies. When I had it I could only wear sundresses and wrap myself up in a pashmina for further coverage. It was miserable. Also, my medication (and the oozing) would have ruined my business attire. I got to wear whatever I wanted during that awful time and worked from home as much as I could. And had to take several sick days because I was on prescription benadryl that would knock out a horse. Ugh.

         1. Ugh yes, exactly!! This wasn’t my worst outbreak ever, but it was the worst I’ve had in a few years. And the heat just made it so much worse!

   4. Are they itchy? When I had hives a couple years ago, I tried a bunch of products to stop the itching. Benadryl Extra Strength Gel was the only one that worked, and it worked SO WELL.

      http://www.amazon.com/Benadryl-Extra-Strength-Stopping-Ounce/dp/B000HY4Y24

   5. I cannot imagine wearing tights in summer in the South. It’s been over 100 degrees here for over a week. Go with pants. You said you had 3 pairs already; that’s almost enough right there. Get one or two more for backup, cheap ones if need be that you can just donate when this is over.

   6. OP here –
      1. They don’t itch. They are more like open sores.
      2. It is much less painful to have something tight and preferably cotton on them. “Hose” are bad. Cotton tights are good.
      Anyone known where I can get some nude (white person) or other heathered color, mostly natural fiber, tights?

      1. Try Amazon. I bought a couple of “nude” colored ballet tights when I had to cover up a horrid case of poison ivy. They weren’t cotton, but they were comfortable and did the job.

      2. May be too late for you to see this, but American Apparel (ick) sells nude leggings. They don’t have feet, so they may look a bit awkward, but you could try it and see.

      3. Have you looked at dance tights? They come in all colors and are usually opaque.

      4. Hie thee to Sock Dreams.

         http://www.sockdreams.com/search/query:cotton+tights

         They have a zillion colors and I can vouch for the durability.

   7. I’m not a doctor, but like lsw I am seriously allergic to poison ivy and have had it 4 or 5X. I’ve also gone to the doctor each time and got the topical stuff, made due for 3-4 weeks. But I have heard of people whose doctors give them a steroid shot and it clears up in a few days. Maybe look into that for your bites. I once met someone who got poison ivy the very same weekend I did, got the shot and couldn’t believe my doctor did not offer the same.

      1. STEROID SHOTS are so great. I had poison ivy once and the steroid shot was blissful relief.

9. Imagine you have been in a family relationship (that cannot and will not be changed) with someone for nine years. For several years, that person treated you very poorly. For a number of reasons (that cannot be second-guessed and are not relevant here), you were not in a position to do or say much about this. In the past year or so, the person has started being less officious, and sometimes even lovely, to you.

   Question: do you accept that nice is the new normal and that we are going to pretend that nasty never happened? Or would you want to address that there was bad, and then there was a change, and now there is better?

   Question 2: does your answer change if the other person is now 20, this all started when they were 11, and you are a close family-member-by-marriage (think very close aunt)?

   Thanks for any thoughts.

   1. Answering question 1 as if the person was an adult: No – I wouldn’t. Assuming the situation is such that you are an abuse victim in one way or another, I think I would feel like the abuse was being perpetuated by pretending it never happened. I have this actual situation with my mother, who likes to pretend that she is all sweetness and light as an old lady and that x, y, and z never actually occurred. This is incredibly hurtful to me – it actually feels like additional trauma. I don’t have enough detail to assess whether you’re going through something similar, but that’s the situation where I’d answer ‘no’ to your question.

      Question 2 does kind of change my answer, because I have a hard time picturing a situation where you were a victim of an 11 year old child. I’m not judging but it makes me think I don’t understand the original question.

      1. Good point. To add some details:

         – sitting at a dinner table with me and one other person, teen in question would refuse to look at me, refuse to answer my open-ended questions (seen any good movies lately? what’s going on in your world? etc.), and engage only with the other adult.

         – when entering or leaving a room of people, teen in question (who generally has good manners) would go around the room, address each person with hello/goodbye and hug each person. Teen in question would walk right past me. Every single time.

         1. I get why this would hurt your feelings, but it’s not really all that bad. It’s not what I would consider “abusive” or anywhere close even if it were an adult. If that’s the worse you’re talking, then yeah, just let the person warm to you and welcome it if it’s something you want.

         2. oh my goodness. I mean this in the nicest way, but you have got to get over this. This isn’t even close to treating you poorly. Accept that they have grown up (becuse they were A CHILD) and enjoy your new relationship with them. Do not ask to talk about how they treated you when they were 11.

   2. The age here makes a huge difference to me. An 11-year old being nasty is totally different from a 40-year old, since the child still had a squishy, underdeveloped brain at the time of the offenses. I’d personally just live and let live and hope for the best with the person. What would really be accomplished by demanding an apology from the person? Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.

   3. It sounds like you are talking about your stepchild. The child was a child and is still in many ways a child. You are the adult and need to model the acceptance and openness you are obviously wanting from her. If she’s beginning to warm up to you, take it at face value and focus on building a relationship with her in the present, without burdening it with heavy discussions of how her rejection has hurt you in the past.

      1. +1. The time may come where you can revisit what happened. I don’t think you are there yet. I’m really close to my mom now, but it took years before we could look back and joke about those rough teen years.

      2. Yes, if this is a step-child then I would focus on moving past the previous hurtful behavior and be accepting of the new changed attitude. My dad remarried when I was 13. I was horrible to my step-mother until I was about 21 years old. She was perfectly nice to me, but I was very upset with my dad for what had happened with my parents marriage. (I now, at 32 years old and 10 years into my own marriage, see that it was not all his fault, but as a teenager I did not understand that.) I took it out on both of them and also felt a sort of torn loyalty to my mother. If this is at all similar to your situation, I would cut the child a break.

         1. This is very helpful. If I might ask, what made you realize that you had divided loyalties (the literature calls it “loyalty bind”)? When did that happen? Is that when you started treating her nicely?

            If it matters, mom here demanded divorce. Mom repartnered (eventually unsuccessfully) first, before we even met. There was no infidelity.

            1. My dad left my mom for my step-mom who was about 20 years younger than my mom (and only about ten years older than me. . .) My mom was very angry and bitter about it and made us feel like if we were at all nice to my dad or my step-mom that it was an attack and rejection of my mom. She spoke horribly of both of them and refused to even be in the same room as them. I still loved my dad and thought he was otherwise a good dad and I saw more of him after the divorce when we would spend weekends with him (during the marriage he was often not home on the weekends.) It wasn’t until I was a little older that I realized how everything was not my dad’s fault (though I don’t think his behavior was excusable by any means. I just realized my parents are human and make mistakes, etc.) and that it was not fair for my mom to make us choose between them like that. I had moved out of my mom’s house and she just didn’t have the same influence over me and I realized that I could be nice to my step-mom and still love my mom. This was not something I was able to do or realize when I was a teenager living with my mom.

            2. Thanks for your further explanation. It helps a lot.

            3. So it really is your step-daughter? Teen + step is just a recipe for bad treatment and every reason in the world to cut the kid a break. What the mom did has no bearing on anything at all. Kids need to love their parents and judging her parents in any way will only backfire. Being a teen is hard enough on its own. Navigating your parents’ divorce plus mom and dad both re-marrying, and then mom divorcing again — how are you even asking questions about whether you should just forgive and move on? Be thankful she’s matured and for God’s sake let go of the fact that a confused child going through a terribly difficult time wasn’t super polite to you for a little while.

         2. Yes, all of this times a million billion.

            Please, please remember that this child had no choice in anything that happened in her world and you were probably the easiest target on which to take out her rage, confusion, etc. The fact that she is coming around is a tribute to you and to her and the past behavior should be addressed, if at all, only in the context of “I know things were super tough for you when you are younger but I am so happy we are getting along better now.”

            If you throw her childhood behavior in her face I fear you will undo the burgeoning goodwill.

   4. My answer 100% changes if the person was 11 and is now 20. Teens are a$$hats. I was an a$$hat, you were an a$$hat, everyone in the world was an a$$hat at some point in their teenage lives. I might bring it up at some point along the lines, “you know you said some really hurtful things to me when you were younger”, maybe using it as a ‘teachable moment’. Would I be more careful and would it take longer to build a trusting relationship? 100%. I would not dwell on it for sure though. A 30- something who is nasty needs to be held accountable, a 13 year old? I would expect for them to be nasty at some point by default. I would expect someone to become nicer between the ages of 11-20 just because they learn social niceties.

      If it matters I am 22, which it probably does.

      1. I posted before finding out that this was your step daughter. HE!! NO don’t say anything. Being a parent is thankless, to step children even more so. Maybe if it was a cousin or other a different relationship, but of course you were the target as a step parent?

         1. Hahaha, my cousins were INCREDIBLY rude when they were this age and I am 10-13 years older than them and I basically cut them out of my life until they could behave (but I had that choice).

   5. Oh my goodness, why are you even thinking of holding a grudge against a child? Seriously. People become all kinds of lovely things right about the time they turn 20. This is so completely normal. Not every teen is a jerk, and teens who are being jerks should be firmly called out on their behavior by adults, but geez, trying out jerkiness is like its own developmental milestone. Have you ever talked to any other teens? Ever?

      1. +1 Teen are generally awful in some way or another. Even the nice ones are kind of know it alls.

         I tend to write them off until around 22/24, at which point, I start to apply adult standards of civility.

      2. Dear TBK,

         I can only imagine that you have never housed, fed, clothed, provided educational and developmental opportunities (private school, camp, extra-curricular activities, vacations) and health care for, and generally supported in every way, someone who lives in your house and on a constant basis, for years, every day, is actively mean and nasty to you.

         Yes, I understand loyalty binds. No, I don’t think someone who hasn’t experienced that kind of treatment can rightly say that it is expected and OK.

         Do I act on my hurt feelings? I have not. Because I strongly believed that it was important for her to have a role model of an adult woman who was stable, not emotionally “big” and reactive, and who was strong and resilient. Perhaps I went too far in pretending that nothing was wrong. But it feels weird, now, for it to never ever be acknowledged — which is what it seems is about to happen.

         I hope it never happens to you,

         First World Problems

         1. This is so deeply disturbing. This is the work of being a parent. This is a child. She grew up. Snaps for whichever adults in her life helped her do that. No you do not say anything. No you do not do anything. No it doesn’t matter that she lived in your house eating your food- children are literally entitled to care from their parents. No it doesn’t matter that her mother wanted the divorce.

            Where is your husband in all of this? Why is your instinct to hold a grudge against A CHILD for being a NORMAL KID instead of getting into counseling with him to figure out how you can both remove your massive shoulder chips and move on?!?

            Horrifying. Don’t think for one second she doesn’t already know exactly how you feel about her and her mother. If you weren’t prepared to parent you should never have married someone with a kid. And parenting includes dealing with it when kids straight up tell you they hate you. Sucks. Hard. True.

         2. So let me get this straight, the kid has grown up, matured, stopped treating you this way (or at least lessened) and you’re grumpy that she didn’t send an apology card (…for being a grumpy teenager?) instead of just being happy about the growth and moving on?

         3. So I have to jump in here.

            I have a very strained relationship with my mother. She would argue that she’s done all the things you’ve done for your stepchild and that I am all of those things, even as an adult. She holds it over my head to this day that she provided for me and even when it’s not outright it’s obvious. It’s been that way my entire life and we will never have a decent relationship because of it. You chose to be a parent, so I’m sorry if this sounds cruel, but suck it up. She was a child and clearly hurting and acting out. You don’t need to acknowledge it. She knows. You know. Move on. If you can actually do that, you have a shot of having a real relationship with her.

         4. No, but I’m the stepdaughter of two people, and have watched both my parents serve at stepparents to my four stepsisters. My younger stepsisters were 12 and 14 when my mom and their dad started dating and they were JUST LIKE THIS to my mom. I was grown and out of the house (I was 24) at the time so I was able to watch from a more grown-up perspective what the effect on my mom was. My mom was hurt, frustrated, angry, but she never blamed the kids or took it personally. She knew their lives had been upended and that as awful as their mom was (and I realize I’m biased, but man that woman is bonkers — and vindictive), it was vital that she never speak poorly of her. As they grew up, the kids saw how much my mom had done for them and came to see where their mom had been totally unfair and unreasonable. Just about when each of them turned 20 was when they started changing. They’re now 25 and 27 and have quite good relationships with my mom.

            As for me, I only spent 2 weeks per year at my dad’s, and I really did try to be a good stepdaughter, but it’s really hard. I got homesick for my mom. I didn’t like the activities my stepmom carefully planned for me. I didn’t like the food at her house because it was different from my house. I wasn’t used to having siblings and took everything my older stepsisters did personally. I know having me visit was a challenge for my stepmom, but she handled it with so much grace. She died two years ago and I miss her so much. When I was in college, she sent me a card with money it in — not much, it might have been only $20, or maybe it was $50, but the amount doesn’t matter — and she said it was from just her, not from my dad, because she loved me and was proud of me. She didn’t have to love me. She had two daughters of her own. I never did anything worth being loved by her. I was only a nuisance and an expense. But she loved me with her whole heart just because I was a child and she was my father’s wife, and I am so lucky to have had her in my life.

            You are being heartless. Anyone who comes here often knows that I rarely talk this way. But please have some empathy for your stepdaughter. She is trying. Stop blaming her for what a child in pain, who was completely powerless about her situation, did years ago.

            1. Also, where is your husband in all this? HE is the one who should have been dealing with your hurt feelings and insisting that his daughter be polite to you. He was an adult all this time and he chose to put his daughter in this situation.

            2. This. All of this. This should be a time to be feeling gratitude and contentment that things have turned out well.

            3. + 1 TBK, you got it

            4. As a fellow step-daughter, I agree with all that TBK is saying. I did some horrible things to my step-mother; I refused on the day of their wedding ceremony (which was a small affair, just the bridal party and supposedly me) while I was living with my father full-time to go to the wedding. I was a little b***h to my step-mother, but it’s never been mentioned. I moved back in with my mom when I was 15 after living with them for 2 years. Right around 18-19-20 is when I fully started appreciating her. Now, we have a great relationship. Does she grate on me still with some things – absolutely! But I can see now that she’s much better suited for my father than my mother ever was and she’s a great mother to my half-siblings who were adopted. And she’s a great step-mother to me; if we’re out in public, unless it’s someone who’ll have extended contact with me and my family, I don’t correct someone if they call her my mother because she is as much a mother to me as my own mother.

            5. +100000000000 Really, really well said, TBK.

            6. TBK is 100% right. When I read the original question (not knowing it was a step-child) I thought it was on the child’s parent(s) to “convince” the child to be polite to all adults. To First World Problems, I’d say that the child’s parent (e.g. your SO/spouse) should have made the child be polite to you (and all adults) at a minimum and if that didn’t happen then something else should have, such as family counseling or support for the step-parent. Step-parenting is hard but there are ways to navigate it. Polite behavior is never optional, at least in my opinion.

            7. I think I have some dust in my eye…

            8. x 10000000, TBK. Second the comment about your husband choosing to but the girl in this position. That happened to me as a child and we’ve never really learned to appreciate each other because of it, I think. Having a parent who doesn’t put their young child’s needs first when the child is young, impressionable, and hurting makes them not a great person.

            9. Wow TBK, this is beautiful. You and your stepmother both sound like mature, forgiving people. I’m sorry you lost her.

            10. +1

                When I was a teen and my parents were splitting up (some how the whole process of dissolution of marriage and divorce, and the aftermath seemed to take years and years and years…), I could barely keep it together (like, in need of serious psychiatric care), much less be the sweet daughter my parents were hoping to raise. I think TBK is right on, here. From my perspective, this poor child was probably hurting tremendously. Give her a break (she was a child!!!!!!!!!!) and look forward to building a happy relationship with her. Don’t you dare guilt her for this behavior. My relationship with my mother was incredibly poor when I was 11-17 but has been getting better and better ever since (now 29). I wish I hadn’t been so rude, so does she, but I’d be crushed to realize she was holding it against me this whole time. Being on the other side of this, I am in awe and appreciative of her kind–albeit imperfect– heart, and generosity and unconditional love (but not unconditional like!) towards me even if I was being hurtful towards her.

                -another adult child of divorced parents

            11. Also, she HAS acknowledged her behavior- by changing it. Obviously she recognized it was not good, so she did something about it. Why do you need an explicit recognition of the fact as well? I would expect one from an adult, but not a child who adjusts their behavior as they mature and recognize things. This isn’t someone who had the same emotional maturity level before and after, but just had an epiphany. This is someone who started at a really immature level (given the fact that she was 11!), and it increased naturally as she grew up. So it isn’t something she had the maturity to recognize before, but didn’t, and should therefore apologize for.

         5. Yes, kids don’t know how to process feelings and situations in a healthy way. This means as babies they cry whenever something goes wrong and as teens they act out. Its all stages in the process of learning how to respond.

            As someone who the mother of a young child who seemingly hates to sleep, I am finding it genuinely difficult to cope. That said, I understand that this is not my child’s fault. It’s just a part of growing up and I signed up for this by becoming a parent.

            I have not yet parented a teen, but I imagine it would be similar in many ways. Having a teen be a jerk to would be very difficult, but it’s all part of the process.

            I think you and your husband need to keep being good parents and modeling good behavior with the idea the hope that your child will grow up and have learned the skills to handle situations in a healthy way.

            Also, feeding, clothing, housing and educating your child is in fact the minimum that you are required to do and is in fact your husband’s legal responsibility. You don’t win any bonus points for doing the minimum. Are you seriously expecting an 11 year old to provide for her own needs in that regard?

            1. From personal observation, no parent ever went on about feeding and clothing children in a context like this who didn’t feel resentful of the child and not really want them around. I’m sure you didn’t do a great job hiding that.

         6. So, I was the child in this situation, although I wasn’t quite this nasty- I just tried to avoid confrontation. My stepfather believed he was being nice to me, but his behavior was nowhere near that and borderline abusive. He was also complicit in my mother’s neglect of me, and no, that’s not an overstatement. I don’t think he intended or even knew about any of these things/the effects of his actions; looking back I think he was kind of stuck in a hard place, was just trying to make my mom happy, and wasn’t the sort of guy who could totally rise above. I was very rarely “nasty” toward him, but while our relationship has thawed, we’ll never be okay.

            My point in saying this is that, if this is your stepdaughter, you may feel like you know your husband and understand what’s going on, but you essentially walked into the middle of someone else’s family mess, and it’s entirely possible that you weren’t all that nice despite your best intentions. Or even if you were, it’s probably likely that you/your presence in her life has hurt her far more than it will ever hurt you. Whatever, I don’t know your situation, other than you cannot possibly know what her reality is, I’d bet my life that it’s different than yours.

         7. This ( housed, fed, clothed, provided educational and developmental opportunities (private school, camp, extra-curricular activities, vacations) and health care for, and generally supported in every way, someone who lives in your house and on a constant basis, for years, every day, is actively mean and nasty to you) to a large extent describes my bio child from ages 17-20. If it makes you feel any better….

            1. Lol, this. I was terrible to my parents as a teen, and very nasty, and they weren’t divorced and didn’t resent me (they loved, and continue to love me!).

               We have a great relationship now, and they sometimes tease me for being such a monster, but step-child or bio or adoptive- doesn’t matter, teens are sometimes nasty to their parents. I think at some point I apologized, and I think they brushed it off as just part of parenting? It just wasn’t a big deal in the long run, or if it was, they hid it well and never let me know.

         8. Oh my goodness!

            I really, really, REALLY urge you to consider getting some individual therapy for yourself so you can work through this without blowing up your family at this late date.

            Everybody’s comments above are spot on. It may seem harsh, but the reality is that you chose to marry a man with a child, you volunteered to be a stepparent, and this child had no choice in the matter whatsoever. It may have sucked for you, but I bet it sucked way worse for her.

            Please, please, please accept her changed attitude and work on changing your own attitude as well!

         9. FWP – Been there, so I can relate. It’s hard to become a parent of a teenager without all the sweet moments of the toddler or kiddo that come before it to build that unconditional love. It’s just a reality. Teenagers can be unpleasant people for certain. In my case, I married my SD’s dad when she was 15. She is now 26, and sent me a quick note for mother’s day this year. But 10 years ago, I would NEVER have predicted that was even possible. Time is the key here. You really will feel at peace with it as time goes on, even without an “I’m sorry for acting that way”. Hang in there.

         10. When my father started dating after my parents split up, I was the super good “pleaser child,” while my younger sister (though more polite than the person you have described) was more “cheeky.”

             When we interacted with his partners (he had a few relationships that lasted five to eight years), I learned that it was my dad who needed to be the go between — he was the person who needed to give us the instructions and be the go between. My dad is a gentle man who avoids confrontation and is really kind. He was able to handle these situations when my sister was rude, though it was hard for him. We told him how we felt, and he tried to communicate that to his partner.

             You have been treated terribly by this person, who even though was a child, should have at least been civil. I think it should have been your partner who intervened on your behalf. I teach older teens, 16- 17 years old, and I know they can be awful, but the person you describe could have been civil, and not made so much drama for so long a period of time, which contributes to the pain. I know that I interact with teens in a different capacity, but when a situation,ike this arises, I eventually call them out on the rudeness…just once, and then just expect them to acknowledgeme, even if it is done grudgingly.

             On the flip side, my dad’s current partner sometimes make snide remarks,if he gives my sister or I gifts, or takes out out for dinner– she wants his time, financial support, and attention. As adult daughters of 40 and44, we understand this, but she is really rude to us– as well as my aunts, uncles, and other family member. From your post it seems you were always gracious and did your best.
             One day in the future, you may be able to re-visit this topic with less pain

             1. To the “treated terribly” part. Her stepdaughter ignored her. As an 11 year old. We are not talking about a nasty person- she was 11! She wasn’t hitting or lashing out or yelling at her step mom- she would ignore her sometimes. good lord.

                OP- it was hearbreaking to read your post. Not for you- but for your stepdaughter.

             2. Maybe “treated terribly” can be viewed as an exaggeration, and I can understand how this hyperbolic description may appear.

                As adults we must model acceptable behaviour, even when we know 11 year olds are being bratty, so,of course we rise above our feeling and move forward. Don’t forget though-that these 11 year olds can be bullies to others….yes, even to adults. As adults and role models we are certainly capable of demonstrating appropriate behaviour when bullied, but that does not mean it is easy. Certainly in many families, as described by commenters here, this behaviour hopefully changes for the better when kids grow up.

         11. I’m not going to pile on First World Problems, because I think she’s saying something different than what you all think she’s saying.

             You have two issues, First World Problems:
             1. Your husband. He should have insisted on manners and civility. My dad would have tanned my hide if I treated someone like you were treated. Yes, parents in a divorce situation can let their children get away with a lot more out of guilt, but that should not include letting his child be a little s—t to you.

             2. The fact that you went above and beyond with the daughter. Private school and summer camps? I’m trying to imagine working my tail off for a child (mine, step, whatever) – yes, that’s what you do for kids. But for an ungrateful brat who can’t even address me, and to spend NINE YEARS working hard to give her this wonderful life?

             Yes, it’s the job of adults to see fellow adults (and a 20-year-old is an adult) as an adult and not just as they were as kids, but wow, that’s rough.

             My suggestion: sit her down sometime and explain what hurts. “Susie, when I was at the office until 10 pm certain nights, didn’t go on fancy vacations, and packed my lunch so that we could afford private high school for you, that was something I wanted to do for my child. But it really sucked making those sacrifices for someone who treated me the way you treated me. Welcome to adulthood, Susie. I will still do everything to give you a good life, but it’s very hard to forgive people who don’t ask for it.”

             1. oh my god. we are talking about an 11 year old. Saying that to her will absolutely ruin the relationship- as it should. I would divorce my husband if he ever said that to my child. Honestly that is way nastier than her ignoring her step mom when she was going through a stressful time.

             2. This is terrible, I hope the op does not do this. Hopefully imagining actually saying this out loud would make someone realize what a jerk thing it would be to say to a child. She was a jerk to you, you sucked it up and did the right thing and she came around, you did good! Don’t ruin it now!

                I do think there is a difference between expressing your long-simmering resentment and demanding an apology, which is what it seems you kind of want, and eventually acknowledging that you had some rough times and are glad your relationship is better. Let your response come from the loving generous side of you, and let the resentment go.

             3. No, you are NOT talking about an eleven-year-old. You are talking about a grown person who has the right to vote, drive, buy a house, and hold down a job – who happens to have spent YEARS being a complete brat.

                Welcome to adulthood, step-kid. Actions have consequences.

             4. OMG this is the worst advice ever.

                If I were the stepkid I would say “Wow. I had no idea you hated me that much. I did feel kind of bad for the way I treated you, and I’ve been trying to make it up to you, but now that I know how you really feel I guess I might as well not even bother!”

   6. This lacks a lot of context. I’m guessing for anonymity reasons.

      Basically: I agree with the commenter above who said kids and teens can be jerks. They can be jerks of their own free will, or because adults in their lives model this behavior, or because adults in their lives TELL THEM TO. (“I won’t forgive you if you talk to your father’s new wife! She’s not your mom!” or god knows what). If this was an adult, it would be different.

      Given that a 20 year old is in a vastly different but still impressionable place, model the behavior you want. Don’t bring it up. My mother still drags up things from when my parents were first divorcing and I came home and talked to my father and “took his side”. 1) I didn’t 2) I honestly don’t remember it 3) I still don’t remember it just because you brought it up 72 times. Move forward, and move on, be cautious, and assume people come from a place of benevolence.

      Also, check out/maybe send this in to Captain Awkward.

      Sincerely, an adult child of divorce

   7. I agree with everything said above. Also, it’s hard not to see the “close aunt” description in the original post as a bit disingenuous when clearly many of the issues related to this relationship are driven by the stepchild/stepparent dynamic.

      1. Right. The fact that you’re not upfront about that, and that you think it’s at all relevant how people would deal with, say, their adult cousin being rude, speaks volumes.

      2. I think this is the poster who is constantly posting about her boyfriend’s ex-wife and children. I don’t think she is married which also changes things-she isn’t actually a stepmother or a “close aunt.”

         1. They could be in a long-term committed relationship without being married, I don’t think that changes things. Maybe they live together, and are in a married-equivalent relationship, but father never wants to get married again, that doesn’t make her a “lesser” partner – after 9 years, she’s very much involved, and is a de-facto stepmother

            1. Well, the kid might see it differently, and I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong.

            2. Given the nature of her comments here, it doesn’t seem like she has a step-parenting or co-parenting relationship with the children.

            3. It seems like she wants them to treat her as such but doesn’t want to herself be responsible for playing that role for them.

   8. Forgive and move on. Though it would be nice, you do not need this young lady’s apology or acknowledgement of her past behavior to do so. And you will be much happier for it.

   9. You accept that nice is the new normal, and be thankful that she is growing up. Maybe – MAYBE – years and years down the road, when she is facing similar troubles with pre-teen and teen terrors of her own, you can remind her that time changes things and to just be loving, kind, and patient.

10. After a long hiatus considering going back on oral contraceptives. I know some have benefits in addition to birth control — acne reduction, no periods etc. I’m just not at all familiar with the best options. What do you all use and like?

    1. I find the packaging to be very important for how I feel about using it. A nice plastic snapping case is so much better than a sleeve.

    2. I’ve been on Junel for a long while now. Last year my dr. and I made the decision for me to take the active pills for 3 months in a row, bypassing the inactive for months 1 and 2. This was due to some seriously bad PMS symptoms. I think it’s been the best for me. Mostly on my PMS symptoms (terrible cramping, uber hormonal emotions, etc.).

    3. Choosing the “right” pill is highly subjective and more art than science. So no one’s personal favorite is guaranteed to work for you.

       I’ve found this page helpful when discussing changing pills with my doctor:
       http://www.wdxcyber.com/ncontr13.htm

       If you click through all the pages (especially page 3), it has a list of the common formulations, the estrogen level and type of progesterone for each, and a separate chart of problems mapped to pill suggestions.

       Good luck!

    4. I used Ortho Tri-cyclin for years and years and loved it. Ortho Tri-cyclin-Lo didn’t work for me (it made me moody). Now I am on an IUD, and given how often my skin breaks out I think about going back to Ortho Tri-cyclin all the time (but not having to pick up prescriptions at the pharmacy makes the IUD worth it).

       1. I actually just saw a derm for this exact issue this week. They gave me EpiDuo, but my coworker was previously on spironolactone (spelling?) for the same issue and loved the solution. So there are options.

          1. My derm gave me EpiDuo for this exact issue. She told me, For the first week, nothing will change. And then the acne will get worse for about a month. And then your skin will clear up practically overnight. And that’s EXACTLY what happened. So, FYI, in case your doc didn’t give you this run-down. I’ve been on it for about 2 years now, and the only time I get a break out is when I skip a night.

             1. My visit with the derm was sketchy and brief (and I will not be going back to the practice), so thanks for the heads-up! I went through something similar on Retin-A back in high school, but it’s good to know there is a light at the eend of the tunnel.

          2. Spironolactone is a diuretic… are you sure that’s the right drug?

             1. Yes! It’s prescribed off-label for hormonal acne – it’s an anti-androgen. Sound weird, right? A Google search brings lots of anecdotal evidence.

          3. It worked REALLY well for me for hormonal acne. I had to stop using it while trying to conceive and I really miss my clear skin. It’s also super cheap. I was on a very low dose (50 mg/day). I would start low and then increase if a low dose doesn’t work. Good luck!

    5. I’ve tried a few and had bad spotting and moodiness. I’ve been on Portia now for 3 years and it’s awesome — I don’t have any side effects whatsoever.

11. I need a restaurant in DC where about a dozen people could sit on a Friday night and enjoy a relaxed meal for a couple hours without feeling like we’re inconveniencing the waitstaff or a mile-long line of patrons. It’s a friend reunion type thing, so there’s lots of catching up to do. Not overly expensive, definitely not pretentious, Metro-accessible required. The last time we did this, we went to Carmine’s, then walked down the street to a quiet bar to continue the night. Thanks for suggestions :)

    1. I love La Tasca in Chinatown – right across the street from Gallery Place. But its a tapas tapas restaurant so it isnt exactly cheap. But if you all get several tapas and share it can be a great place to catch up with friends and its a great environment in general. Also the sangria (and food) is amazing! I’m not 100% sure but if you have about a dozen people you may or may not have to make a reservation but you should check!

       1. Ooh, I didn’t know La Tasca HD gone transatlantic. It’s my favourite restaurant chain! There’s an amazing pescado frito blanco dish which I always get, and the patatas fritas are to die for.

    2. I did something like this a while ago at Casa Luca (I think we had 8 or 10 people) – we were definitely drinking quite a bit of wine the whole time, so that might have had something to do with it, but we certainly would have been welcome to stay there the whole night.

       1. +1 for Casa Luca. Went a long birthday dinner there about 2 years ago. They had a small private room for us (party of 8 I think?), the food was great and the wine was reasonably priced. I’d go back in a heartbeat.

    3. Mio might also be perfect for this.

    4. I have to put in a plug for El Tamarindo in AdMo (18th/Florida/U intersection). It’s a big place that I have never seen super crowded, happy hour until 8 pm on Fridays (good drink & food deals, not limited to certain tables or bar), and you have bars in AdMo, Dupont, and U Street for afterwards. Food & drinks are great (I prefer it to Lauriol Plaza, which is nearby and much more crowded), it’s relaxed & reasonably priced.

    5. Grillfish in Dupont is good for this- capable for big groups, good food, but not super duper trendy with a line out the door.

12. Sounds to me like your tormentor may have just grown the f#@k up! I would not spend too much time contemplating this, however, you don’t have to trust her or become her/his BFF,

13. I want to get my mom a gift basket to give her now that counts down until her retirement with one small gift each month that she can unwrap. For example, grilling spice mix for August so she can enjoy a few more bbq dinners outside, a special box of tea for October, etc. I’m having a hard time coming up with ideas for November, December, and January. Any suggestions for those months or the basket in general? Would like each gift to be a max of 15 bucks or so. Thanks!

    1. What about: a book to read, hot chocolate mix with gourmet marshmallows, a bottle of wine (or rum for hot buttered rum), spices for mulled cider/wine, a new notebook/diary for January?

    2. Maybe a new scarf and/or nice gloves

    3. Cozy socks

       Love the idea, btw. Love it.

    4. December or January is perfect time for a fun calendar. Love the mulling spices idea!

14. Does anyone know if Boden does price adjustments? I ordered the Westminster dress over the weekend and now it’s $20 cheaper. Can’t find anything about it on their website.

    1. Nevermind, I’m an idiot. I ordered the Alice dress, which looks virtually identical to the Westminster dress.

    2. I ask for price adjustments from every place I shop if the price has gone down shortly after I placed an order. I have to believe I’ve tried at Boden, and since I can’t remember for sure, I presume it went well. They have fantastic customer service. I’d just give them a call and try.

15. Any suggestions for good gifts for my husband’s 30th birthday? Something “special” that can mark the occasion?

    1. A watch? A bottle of nice scotch/his alcohol of choice and some glasses and fancy ice cube trays to go with?
       A nice briefcase/duffel bag/whatever to mark his being a true adult? Cufflinks if he’s into that? Tickets to something he likes? A flight or sailing lesson?

    2. This might be an odd one, but what about a college chair from his alma mater? You know those pretty wooden chairs, painted black, with the school crest.

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