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Updated: Mar 2, 2023 206 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Oil Pumps

Coffee Break

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beige pumps with unusual heel

Sculptural heels continue to be a big trend this year, and I'm liking these fun pumps from Chloé – they're a sophisticated twist on the classic.

You can find them in beige and black at NET-A-PORTER and Bloomingdales; Saks has them in an animal print, while NET-A-PORTER has them in a fun pink, and My Theresa has them in a dusty blue. (Nordstrom only has the boot version, which is also really fun.)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  2. Anon

    How do you release stress and/or trauma that’s stored in the body? Running? Yoga? I hear so much about how trauma gets stored physically but have no idea how to fix that…

    • Vicky Austin

      Yoga is particularly good – I believe The Body Keeps the Score discusses this somewhat.

      • Monday

        Specifically I like yin yoga for this. It’s basically very intense stretches, held for a long time.

    • JD

      Boxing did it for me. But choose your gym carefully. You don’t need to spar with someone else, just have some heavy bags and a coach that can teach you good form. Avoid the spinning-style classes.

    • Anon

      Melt method, soma training, eldoa, any kinds of gentle stretching. There is an idea is that stress can cause muscle tension, so you want to find ways to release it. It comes up a lot with people who have pelvic floor dysfunction (like me).

    • Anon

      Pretty much any physical activity/exercise is a great almost instant release.

      And any relaxation activity – mindfulness/breathing exercises/massage/yoga. These also have the incredible added benefit (with regular use/practice) of changing your attention areas of your brain over time so that you can more easily clear your mind and push away the stressful/traumatic thoughts and focus on different ones.

      Even just the simple, quick technique of “cyclic sighing” is quick and helpful and proven in scientific research to improve wellness.

      • Anon

        Really, if all of us had one physical activity/exercise we did regularly and one relaxation activity that we did regularly, it would help our physical health and mental health so much…. everything from less heart disease and strokes to less cancer to fewer infections to less anxiety/depression…. just about everything is better.

        If only I listened to my own advice, and cut down on the lazy self-loathing, my favorite activity ;)

        • anon

          You’re onto something. I notice a big dip in my mental health when I start slacking off on exercising 4-5 times a week. And finally, after downplaying it for, well, years, I do see a difference when I take the time to meditate on a consistent basis. Or at least do some deep breathing exercises.

    • Anon

      Yoga and running. I started running more seriously during covid because that’s really all you could do. I also love a hard barre class because you have to use all your mental energy in class.

    • Anon

      Depends what works for you. Running, yoga and lots of meditation but warning that yoga and meditation can be emotionally hard.

    • Anonymous

      I love tennis. Hitting the ball is a great release. You can picture someones face on it if necessary LOL

    • Rainbow Hair

      I’ve recommended Cadence’s streaming classes at Brooklyn Strength before, but she’s really great for workouts that have nothing to do with self-loathing. She’s about making your body a better, happier place to live. Sometimes I avoid other workout options because I work out to feel *good* and hearing how I should be dissatisfied with my body and myself does the opposite for me.

  3. Anon

    I am going to hike a trail over spring break that has some history as being an underground railroad route. There used to be an area nonprofit that had some info on that, but it was a small org and seems to have ceased operations during COVID. Is there a good book on the topic that is regarded as THE underground railroad book? I know ultimately people needed to get to Canada to be out of reach of the Fugitive Slave Act, but I’m particularly interested in the eastern portions of NC, VA, and the eastern side of SC (say from Congaree National Park / Columbia and east). Thank you!

    • Anon

      Find the HBCU most local to the section of trail you’re planning on hiking and check with their library or archives. Because the Underground Railroad was, well, underground, and very decentralized, the stories are hyper local.

    • Anon

      The National Park usually has resources about local history. The giftshop usually sells books, or there’s a park association or webpage that could maybe point you in the right direction.

    • Anon

      Well, those who appear on the show are selected to offer high drama lives. Nice, stable marriage? Where are the ratings in that? Womanizing preacher/former pro athlete/CEO? Caaa-ching!!!

      • Anon

        Right? It’s not a bunch of GS-9s doing reasonable things. It’s Pretty People Making Questionable Life Choices.

      • Anon

        Agree on the bra, but I did better with redd1t a bra that fits + free prime shipping and returns at Amazon. Nordstrom “fit” me into a size that they had on hand that day, which it turns out is not my size at all.

        I thought I was a 40D and I’m a 38G (UK size).

    • Anonymous

      I don’t watch that one, so I can’t comment specifically. But I think with a lot of the others (Shannon and David, Kelsey and Camille, Matt and Jeana Keough, etc.) that the husband has had a lot of power in the relationship. When some fame happens for the wife, it presents a big shift. They want to feel important to someone or maybe it’s a shift with the wife. Yearrs of cheating and being a jerk are no longer tolerable and the trophy wife now has the confidence and some funds to know they can get out.

      • anon

        On the other hand, some husbands are cheating or angling for a divorce beforehand. They encourage their wife to join the show so 1) She’s too busy to notice he’s cheating, or 2) She has her own income and the alimony will be lower.

      • Anon

        Especially men who seek out fame and/or money, which describes a lot of the Real Housewives husbands. There is not one famous man whose cheating would surprise me. Not one.

  5. Anonymous

    Where are your favorite places in the US (or geographically very close to the US) that are worth visiting? Specifically, which family-friendly beach is your favorite if you don’t have $ or time to get somewhere abroad, etc. (For cities I love NYC and Chicago!)

    • FP

      I think the 30A area in Florida is probably the most family friendly beach area I have ever visited. Specifically – Seaside, Watercolor, Rosemary Beach. Alys Beach is a dream town.

    • Anonymous

      Cape May, New Jersey. Great mix of small hotels and beautiful victorian houses. Everything is super walkable and the beach is beautiful.

      • Anonymous

        That’s a lot of $ and time from the mainland, though, even though it’s in the US.

          • Anon

            Not that poster but Hawaii is still quite far even from southern CA, which is the closest part of the mainland. LAX-HNL is a 6 hour flight. If you live in CA, everything west of the Mississippi River is much closer than Hawaii and even places like NYC are somewhat closer. So I don’t think it’s wrong to say Hawaii is very far for most people on the mainland. It’s also a much more expensive flight. We almost moved there for my husbands job and were really worried about not seeing enough of our families because flights cost so much.

          • Anon

            Ok but Omaha isn’t Hawaii, just because I can get there faster from SFO. And it’s only 5 hours for me so I don’t know where you’re getting 6! It’s faster than going to NY.

          • Anon

            There are dozens of great cities and National Parks in the western half of the US. I’m not sure where you’re getting the idea that I suggested you go to Omaha. I’m not saying Hawaii isn’t wonderful, it is, but for most people in the US mainland, it’s a lot more time and money to get to than most other places in the US, as the person at 2:57 said. That’s a fact, that’s not “thinking the mainland doesn’t include the western states.” I lived in California for over a decade, fwiw. Hawaii was still a long trip and a very expensive one (plane tickets easily cost double what they do to NYC, even if the flight time is pretty similar). And the flight to Hawaii IS longer than NYC, although not by that much. LAX-HNL is scheduled as 6h5 and LAX-JFK is scheduled as 5h25.

      • Anonymous

        From NYC? It’s farther and more expensive than the carribean Azores Mediterranean and Madeira

        • NYCer

          OP didn’t say she lives in NYC. I live in NYC. And yes, for domestic locations, I think Hawaii has by far the nicest beaches…

          • Anon

            Hawaii has a lot to offer that Florida and the Caribbean don’t and it’s well worth the trip even from the east coast, but strictly in terms of beaches I think Florida and many parts of the Caribbean including the US Virgin Islands, have better beaches. The sand in Florida and the USVIs tends to be softer and more powdery.

    • pugsnbourbon

      My family always went to Cocoa Beach – family-oriented and affordable. A couple years ago my parents and siblings went to Folly Beach and really enjoyed it, too. They said it was super walkable.

    • Anon

      For you, Boston and spend some time on the Cape.
      California – SF, San Diego, Santa Cruz, Santa Barbara
      Newport RI

      • Ellen

        I would like to buy a weekend vacation place in California, but I now hear it’s a mess weatherise, and there’s flooding after being parched dry for years. Dad wanted me to buy a place near Palm Desert, b/c he was near there when he was in the milatary.

    • Anon

      Cancun has really great beaches and it often doesn’t cost that much more to get there than Florida (depends where you’re coming from). I also like the beaches in the Florida panhandle. We went to Miramar Beach twice during the pandemic when we didn’t want to travel abroad and we were surprised by how lovely the beaches are there.

      I’ve been to 47 states and this my US highlight reel:
      National Parks: Katmai, Kenai Fjords and Denali in Alaska, Volcanoes and Haleakala in Hawaii, Arches, Bryce and Zion in Utah, Olympic (WA), Crater Lake (OR), Grand Canyon (AZ), Yellowstone (WY), Grand Teton (WY), Glacier (MT), Badlands (SD), Everglades (FL), Acadia (ME)
      Cities: Seattle, SF, LA, Vegas, Chicago, New Orleans, NYC, DC, Philly, Miami, Boston, Charleston, Nashville, Portland Maine
      Beaches/snorkeling: Hawaii, USVIs especially St. John (but I agree with people above that most people think of these separately from the continental US)
      Other: San Juan Islands in WA, Lake Tahoe, Big Sur/California coast, Napa, Antelope Canyon in AZ, The Maroon Bells near Aspen, Mackinac Island, Niagra Falls, Florida Keys

    • Rainbow Hair

      Don’t tell too many people, but Catalina Island is amazing. Snorkeling, blender drinks by the beach, bike riding, toodling around in golf carts. I’m a SoCal person so it’s easy to get to but really really feels like *vacation*

  6. Anon

    I’m thinking of working from a warm weather location for a few weekdays later in March. Where in Miami or Ft Lauderdale would be good to stay for this? I’m thinking a good boutique hotel with a nice cafe or something…

      • Anon

        Haha right?

        Try Delray Beach. You might still get the spring breakers but it won’t be Ft Lauderdale anyway.

      • Anon

        Miami actually doesn’t really great that crazy with spring breakers. I feel like the panhandle, especially the Panama City area, is much more of a spring break destination, along with the gulf coast regions of Mississippi and Alabama. They’re much cheaper than Miami and college students don’t have a lot of money.

        YMMV but I would never in a million years go to Del Ray Beach voluntarily. My grandmother lived in a retirement community there and the whole city just felt like it was old and dying. There are plenty of pockets of Miami and Fort Lauderdale that are quieter and away from the tourist crowds but still close to good restaurants and nice beaches. I’m not as familiar with FLL but in Miami I’d look at the beach above ~30th St. The crowds tend to stay to the south beach area. I dated a guy whose family had a condo in that area and it was lovely and peaceful, even in March.

    • Anon

      I just came back from a presidents day long weekend getaway at the Beachcomber resort in Pompano Beach. Beach front resort with two pools, cafe, bar, and restaurant. There were some families and a wedding, but pretty quiet. Ubered from the airport. Was able to park myself on a beach lounger pretty much the whole weekend.

  7. Anonymous

    I am hoping someone can explain this to me like I’m 5. My law firm (AmLaw 20, so a thousand plus lawyers and probably at least a thousand non lawyer employees) offers, as a benefit, a dependent care FSA account. You can elect to put the federal maximum in it ($5000). My child is 5. The first few years, I was able to have the maximum taken out of my paycheck each year and then reimbursed to pay for childcare. In September of last year, they said that they had to reduce everyone’s contributions because they did compliance testing and it was deemed that it was “discriminatory” because not enough employees who were NOT highly compensated employees participated. During open enrollment this year they they suggest only electing to do half the fed maximum because of the compliance testing. I did that and my husband did the other half on his end (which is the max his employer lets him do) so that we could get to $5000 between us. But the benefits department just emailed me again to tell me that my contribution for 2023 is now being reduced to $1300, again, because of compliance testing and the dependent care FSA contributions are only going to be non discriminatory if they reduce the contributions of everyone who is participating. I can see why more people who are highly compensated employees would contribute to this. However, I don’t understand what is discriminatory about it, since any employee with a dependent can enroll. I’m just super annoyed that they can’t confirm during open enrollment what we will actually be able to contribute. Trying to understand this at a very basic level, so thanks to anyone who knows how this works. My benefits group just keeps repeating the same “we need more non-HCE to participate” which doesn’t answer my question. Thank you!

    • Smokey

      I don’t have an answer except to say that is how the federal regulations are written. Similar rules apply in other compensation plans.

      • Ellen

        I would make the highly compensated partners open up HSA sfor the care of their own family and relatives, including themselves. You should be able to pay for parents if you don’t have kids, and you can also buy adult products, including diapers for yourself when you are over 65.

    • Anon

      The issue isn’t about whether all employees were equally OFFERED the benefit; it’s whether a certain ratio of HCEs to NHCEs employees USE the benefit. Parts of ERISA were specifically written to address benefits for the wealthy dressed up as benefits for the working man – if a company offers a benefit but it’s so expensive that only the execs can afford it, then it’s not really an equal benefit, is it?

      So that’s why they can’t tell you during open enrollment…because they don’t know who’s going to enroll and whether the ratios are going to work out.

      • Anonymous

        Yup. This is the answer and they’ve explained it to you. It just sucks!

        • HFB

          does this mean if a lot of lower compensated people at my company aren’t contributing much/ at all to our 401k plan, some of my contributions could be effectively rejected?like, i’ll get that money back and have to pay taxes on it like a regular paycheck?

          • Anonymous

            At least, with the flexible spending accounts for dependents, the answer is yes

          • Anonymous

            Yes. Has happened to me for the last 5 years, or more. I am getting $6-7k returned.

      • Anonymous

        OP here- Thank you! This makes so much more sense. No one used the term ratio when I was asking. This is extremely helpful. Thank you!!

      • HFB

        i get this. but, why arent the lower paid employees able to use this benefit? assuming some of them have children and are paying for daycare, doesn’t this make the daycare a little more affordable ( because it’s paid with pretax dollars) than it would be otherwise? or are you only allowed to use it on certain daycare facilities that are still too expensive for the NHCEs to use?

        • Anon

          They’re able to use the benefit, they’re choosing not to. But it matters how many people in each group choose to use it. That’s what others are trying to explain to you. There are childcare tax credits available for lower incomes that conflict with the Dependent Care FSA, i.e., you can’t claim both, so they might be choosing to forego the DCFSA to claim the credit. It has nothing to do with what daycare facility you use, that makes you sound really sn0bby that you think only your bougie daycare qualifies.

          • HFB

            actually i am not OP and i don’t even have kids. i was asking purely out of curiosity mainly because in my ideal world (and apparently the intention of ERISA drafters) this kind of benefit should be actually usable by /beneficial to everyone (not just accessible). i guess i was really unclear though so sorry for that, my question was why is it that people would CHOOSE not to use it- your point about the other dependent care tax credits makes sense, so thanks.

          • Anonymous

            OP here – I didn’t know that about the child tax credit conflicting with it. Pieces are starting to fall in place and make what the benefits group said clearer. I really appreciate this information and the explanations.

        • Anon

          You have to be fairly liquid to feel like you can put out money in advance and then get reimbursed.

          • Anon

            This varies by employer, at my employer the reimbursement comes with the paycheck or at most one day later (assuming you have the receipts on file) so there’s really no reason you would need more liquidity to do this.

          • Seventh Sister

            At my employer, HSA dollars for medical stuff are reimbursed as you spend them, but dependent care money isn’t reimbursed until you’ve put in the money. So if you put in $5000, you’d get @ $!95 per pay period for the whole year, even if you paid out $5000 in the first two months of the year (which I did when my kids were small). It’s better than nothing but not by much.

          • Anon

            Right, mine is the same Seventh Sister, but I don’t see how that makes you worse off than if you didn’t contribute. The money is withheld and returned to you in the same pay period, so there’s essentially no delay in when you get the cash (sometimes a delay of one day in my case, because the FSA money often posts the day after the paycheck). Your childcare expenses each pay period will likely far exceed that, but even if you weren’t in the FSA, no one would be fronting you money to cover the childcare. So I don’t understand this as a reason an employee couldn’t afford to contribute.

        • Anon

          Maybe the lower paid employees don’t have children because anybody who does have children can’t afford to be paid that little.

        • Anon

          It implies that the firm is not paying lower compensated employees enough that they are able to save a considerable portion of their income in these benefits. It also applies to retirement funds. It’s meant to encourage firms to minimize the spread of incomes, and is particularly relevant in law firms, consulting firms, financial companies, etc – where you have a lot of very highly paid employees and very low paid ones (EAs or other staff).

          • Anon

            It’s a little different than retirement. It’s not really “savings” since you get access to the money very soon after it’s withheld, unlike with retirement where the money is taken out of your paycheck and you don’t see it for decades, at least not without paying huge penalties.

    • Anon

      Yeah, this is a pretty standard thing. I’ve heard of it happening to other people I know.

      If your child is 5 and you’re not planning on more kids, you may not need the benefit going forward anyway. Our only child goes to K in the fall and we did the math, and decided voluntarily not to contribute starting next year. A lot of summer camps are not eligible.

    • startup lawyer

      i’m at a v30 firm and we dont have this benefit (prob because they dont want to deal with the compliance)

    • Anon

      This happened to me. At my firm most of the staff are older and their kids are grown, so don’t use the benefit which skews the testing but I don’t think they can control for that.

    • yup same

      Yeah this happened to me at my former company, a Fortune 500, with my 401k. (I worked at HQ in legal but the company had a lot of very small retail shops with a lot of temporary employees who did not opt in.) It sucked because it affected the employer match, which wasn’t a ton to begin with, but was still free money that was promised in theory but not actually there. Not to mention of course the money I couldn’t contribute that I had wanted to. I had some of the money reimbursed to me (which was also a headache for payroll and our taxes that year) and then was not allowed to contribute the rest of the year. I am not a CPA, but if I recall, one option to be able to ‘save’ that money you intended to contribute was to enroll in a deferred compensation plan, if your company allows that. I was pretty annoyed because I was *just* over the the threshold when it was offered to me and didn’t see a longterm future there anyway, so I didn’t opt into it — but no one told me at the time that that would have been a method to save/contribute that 401k money. Apparently, this had happened before at the company, so it was a known possibility and the deferred comp was a known workaround but was never mentioned. So of the intended 17k or whatever the max was that year, I think I was only able to contribute around 1500, coming to 3k with the employer match. Boo.

  8. Anonymous

    Has anyone looked into the keto diet or discussed it with a doctor or nutritionist? I know it’s all about upping the protein and restricting the carbs, but has there been any discussion of the cardiac effects of the diet? I know there are plant protein sources, but IRL it doesn’t seem like most people I know eat bowls of lentils but rather steaks and three eggs fried in butter or burgers with eggs on top etc. How can this not have cardiac effects? I mean I know people say cholesterol isn’t affected by diet. Is that the key here? Like are cardiac issues unlikely without cholesterol? Or is it that you don’t stay on the diet for very long?

    • Anonymous

      I looked into it. Keto isn’t even high protein it’s high FAT – 70-80% of your macros are from fat. So all the “keto-friendly” stuff has added fat and reduced carbs. The recipes I was looking at included a lot of like bone marrow and cream and it just seemed yick to me.

    • Anon

      In my circle’s experience, I learned the keto diet is really best for patients with certain metabolic/seizure disorders and was somewhat mis-appropriated by the public for weight loss. The popular Atkin’s philosophy and its variants of restricting cabs and more protein is incredibly successful for many. My parents lost tons of weight and it was incredible for their blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol. The genetics of cholesterol is complex and depending on your numbers/history you need to talk to your doctor about how to balance that.

      So do you really know people who are eating steaks and 3 fried eggs every day? And hamburgers with buns every day? Probably not…. Atkin’s folks don’t eat the buns! And usually don’t eat a high calorie covered with sauces burger at a fast food place that has a ton of calories.

      But yes, my Dad did have sausage and eggs every day for breakfast, a huge salad with chicken every day for lunch, and a balanced dinner of meat/chicken/fish and vegetables… as much as he wanted to eat of proteins and mostly vegetables (and often the lower carb ones). And he lost a lot of weight. He was eating filling food. He did have to cut down on buying a bag of chips for a snack at work(!).

      You do need to have some sense of calories. You can overeat a healthy diet too, and my friends that often struggle the most with weight are on a vegetarian/vegan diet, but have carb heavy meals and more snacking/grazing.

      Even just using the basic philosophy of fewer carbs, not being scared of fat, and eating plenty of filling protein is a simple philosophy to eating that is not hard to follow, and easier to maintain long-term.

      Strict diets in general of usually a mistake.

      I eat… low-carb inspired. I don’t waste carbs on drinks. I don’t have a carb portion of a meal unless it is reasonably healthy. I cut way down on rice/potato/pasta/bread carbs since I love them and could eat them forever! I use a healthier purple/red or sweet potato, brown rice, or starchier roasted vegetables that are carbs but easier on the blood sugar. But I also am not strict and still have the carbs I love occasionally. I don’t follow fat/cholesterol strictly.

      My Cholesterol is not very low, but I have very high HDL, good blood pressure and good blood sugar. So my doctor puts all my numbers in an online calculator at that tells her what my risk for a cardiac event is, and that directs her on to how to advise me. That helps her decide if I need to change my diet or start a cholesterol medicine. She says I’m great.

      Everyone is different. Talk with your doctor before starting any strict diet. But yes we are learning that carbs intake may be more important to monitor than fat/cholesterol intake for most of us.

        • Anon

          You misunderstood! So sorry – I didn’t mention fruit. I eat as much fruit as I want. Actually, I even treat myself by buying more blueberries/blackberries/raspberries and fruits that I also know are my favorite and delicious and really great for me. Fruit is so good for you. People don’t tend to become unhealthy from eating too much … fruit!

          I am just cutting down on the more “empty” carbs of drinks/breads/rice/pasta/potatoes. But I still occasionally have whole wheat breads, brown rice, enriched pastas, and the colorful potatoes. I still eat bad foods, just less. And try to eat more sweet potato fries then McDonald’s! And I still eat deserts… more than I should… but I make sure they are home made or the most delicious version so it is totally worth it.

          The whole point is that it is that I don’t follow a strict diet. Diets are almost always a mistake unless you are forced to do so because of a medical problem. The trick is incorporating small changes into your diet over time that are healthy, or choosing just slightly healthier options. And eating lots of protein/fruit/veg!

      • Anonymous

        Thank you for doing the job of writing out this excellent description of what keto or lower carb actually can mean.

        To the OP: It’s actually very simple. Don’t eat highly processed food, grains or a lot of very starchy vegetables. Don’t drink simple carbs. Done. You can have loads of veg and fruit like berries on a ketogenic diet, but not potato chips and orange juice. There’a reason why diabetes used to be called the sugar disease, it’s the starches.

        The research I’ve done, shows that lower carb is excellent for cardiac health. Having a stable metabolism with stable blood sugar is great for your heart! You don’t need to have low cholesterol – high is fine! – but you do need to have low triglyserides and low damaged level of LDL. High LDL is great as long as it’s not damaged tiny ones. And you do need to let your body make cholesterol – you’ll die without it (you won’t die from lack of carbs, though). If you don’t get protein or essential fats, you’ll die. If you don’t get carbs, you’ll…have less constipation.

        The people who don’t do well with lower carb are people who have f&%cked up their metabolism on yoyo-dieting over years and years or ending up with diabetes 2 from a “standard” diet of grains, grains and other starchy carbs. That is one of the reasons it’s good to check with your GP if you are doing changes, especially if insulin regulation is in play. It’s scary to suddenly have a low blood sugar if you’ve been on a blood sugar rollercoaster for years.

    • Anon

      Doing Keto or any restrictive diet is an excellent way to lose pounds in the short run and then gain them back along with a few new friends in the long run. That’s the science.

    • anon

      You’re not meant to stay on the diet long term unless you’re treating a medical condition that’s more dangerous than the health impacts of the diet (like epilepsy in some cases). Unless you have a medical reason to go keto specifically, as opposed to general weight loss, you should steer clear.

      • Anon

        My doctors have me on this diet for reactive hypoglycemia, which for me has led to dangerous lows that did not self correct.

        But it makes me nervous hearing people say it’s not safe. They always say my labs look fine, but are there issues they can’t see with labs? For example, my liver labs look much better than before I switched diets (I had non-alcoholic fatty liver disease before, but not now), but I always wonder if I need a fibroscan to really be sure. Or again, my cholesterol ratio is good and my lipids are fine, but nobody’s done any scans.

        I don’t want to have problems someday and be told “well you were on that keto diet!” as an explanation.

        • Anon

          No, you do not need a fibroscan.

          If you are doing this under a doctor’s supervision, then you should discuss this with them. You state you have a medical condition that led to this decision, so as long as your doctor and nutritionist are monitoring you to make sure you don’t have any nutritional deficiencies, you need to have close regular follow-up with them. Of course, I’m sure you know that going to this extreme dietary change is not typically done for reactive hypoglycemia. Make sure they are experts….

          And I hope you aren’t doing this under the guidance of a naturopath or some sort of alternative doctor.

          • Anon

            I see ordinary doctors at a research university hospital and did work with a dietician. We tried less restrictive diets first, but I just kept getting hypos when I tried to eat carbohydrates in moderation, so this is the only thing that worked to prevent the hypos for me. I didn’t set the objective of eating a keto diet, but my labs apparently consistently show ketosis. That was nearly fifteen years ago, and I’ve been on the diet ever since!

            It’s just confusing to hear so many warnings about how risky the keto diet is for cardiovascular health when all I ever hear from doctors is reassurance that I shouldn’t worry. Shouldn’t I be at least a little worried if I’ve been on an objectively unhealthy diet for so long? Maybe the labs they do to monitor really are adequate though.

          • Anon

            Glad you think I don’t need a fibroscan, though I still wonder whether my liver is just okay now. It’s great if it is.

          • Anon

            Well, my question for you is are you following a STRICT keto diet like doctor’s prescribe for epilepsy patients? That is discouraged for most people unless it is truly necessary for a serious medical problem. It usually restricts a lot of things that are very nutritious like fruits, vegetables and dairy.

            Or is it a Keto-ish diet, that is essentially a stricter Atkin’s diet, with low carbs, high protein and higher (but not crazy high) fat? So you still eat some fruits and veg but try to target things that are slower carbs so your blood sugar is less likely to fall, with appropriate nutritious snacks spread during the day.

            And are they carefully monitoring your nutrient levels/vitamin levels to be sure you are not becoming deficient in anything, and are you taking supplements? And a nutritionist is following to make sure you have a balanced diet? I would be more worried about your general nutrition long term if you are pure Keto and eating a diet with 70% of your calories from fat. I mean….sure I could do keto no problem, but a diet of eggs and chocolate is not good in the long run!

          • Anon

            Oh, definitely the colloquial keto/Atkins diet and not the epileptic medical keto diet. So more like 15% calories from carbohydrate, and tons of fat since it’s really stabilizing.

            I have worked with a dietician, and eggs actually really help me with hitting intake targets, though I supplement some things (I somehow seldom hit my targets for B1, B9, iron, or calcium, despite meat and dairy). It’s just all so different from the way I was taught to eat growing up (low fat, high grain, plant based) for health.

          • Anon

            Then you are doing great. That is a great diet. Many (most?) women will not get enough iron and calcium without supplements, and most of us have no idea our values are low because their primary care doctors don’t check them often or just accept it is “normal” for women to be anemic.

            So it is great you are paying attention, taking supplements for those crucial vitamins when you need them.

            Congrats on changing your diet to a really great one, and the fact that you were able to maintain it this long means you are doing it right. You are not on a diet. You have just changed the way you eat.

    • Anon

      I have been a long-time fan of the South Beach Diet when I need to lose weight. That means all of the eggs, lean protein and non-starchy veggies I can eat but no high-fat meats, sugar or simple carbs. It is the only one that works for me. If my weight drifts up 10 pounds or more, I go back on it more strictly and my weight goes back down. And my weight usually does that when I (for reasons of stress, over-work, holidays, etc.) completely abandon its principles.

      I looked at keto recently because due to a number of factors my weight increased past what I am comfortable with. The author of the South Beach book has a keto-adjacent version (trying to jump on the bandwagon I suspect) but I decided to stick with what has worked for me in the past.

      All that said and understanding that one person is not evidence, I have very high cholesterol that is genetic and not tied to what I eat (like crazy high since I was a teenager). I found that when I lost weight and exercised more my cholesterol went way down – regardless of how much red meat I ate. Conversely, I worked with a nutritionist, avoided all of the foods that are supposed to be bad for cholesterol, ate a half cup of oat bran a day, and it hardly budged. The relationship between body weight, cholesterol, and diet is super complicated and very individual.

      • Anon

        What are the foods that your nutritionists told you to watch because of your cholesterol? Just curious, though I totally agree that genetics are real and each of us is in a different situation.

        • Anon @ 3:59

          This has been years ago so the science has changed but she cut out: all red meat, fried food, any dairy other than non-fat (butter in particular – I had a weakness for the dining hall’s chocolate chip cookies), anything with palm or coconut oil, and eggs other than in baked goods. I was also eating a half cup of oat bran every day.

          My total cholesterol went from 280 to 260. I went off birth control bills and it dropped to 245.

          Then I lost 25 pounds and it went down to 180.

          What can I tell you? Bodies are weird.

          • Anon

            Thanks for sharing that. It is really interesting, and helpful.

            What change lead to the 25lb weight loss?

            It is a good reminder for us how different we are – how the foods we eat can have differences in our health/states, but sometimes you can’t fight genetics. And for some of us it is not just the types of foods we eat (eg. high cholesterol) but the combination of foods we eat and how that affects our weight.

            Ugh… chocolate chip cookies. Sounds wonderful.

            But I will only let myself eat them now if I make them from scratch. Fortunately, I am lazy.

          • Anon @ 3:59

            My weight loss was a combination of several factors. First, and probably the most important, I moved to a place where I was walking miles a day out of necessity, rather than for “exercise“. (As an aside, I hate to exercise, I have always hated to exercise, and I hate to exercise even today!) And second, my schedule changed such that I really needed to be able to go from breakfast until lunch without eating. I had been eating carb, heavy, although whole-grain, breakfasts for years to avoid eggs. But I was starving all the time and eating an unhealthy mid morning snack basically every day. I finally realized after a breakfast out with friends, that if I eat eggs in the morning, I am not hungry again until afternoon. Between the walking and the breakfast/lack of mid morning snacking, I lost a bit, which made me feel better, so I instituted a rule for myself that at least one meal per day, had to be a large salad with some kind of protein and nothing else. I was careful to avoid high, fat and high calorie, toppings or dressings. I did not completely cut out sweets, but I limited myself to one small thing a day. And just like that, I lost 25 pounds in six months.

            I should add that I was younger then. I doubt I would be able to do it with so little effort today! But it did wonders for my cholesterol and triglycerides, and given how many people in my family have died of heart disease, that was pretty important to me.

          • Anon

            What a great story! Thanks for sharing that.

            And also, what a great way of showing how just doing one change of a time, and making it part of your routine, can make things more manageable and have great overall benefits.

            Well done!

    • Anon

      Recommend books by Craigh and Maria Emmerich. They have one, Keto, that is all about the science. But they also live in a rural area and make their living off of selling Keto books, so not the most unbiased source. There is medical evidence it can work. Anecdotally, my friends that do keto, end up yoyoing after losing a lot of weight.

    • Anonymous

      Side question – there are a lot of menopause diets that seem to be based somewhat in Keto. High fats, limited carbs. Does anyone have any thoughts on these? (Galveston is the big one, I think hormone reset also.)

      • Anon

        I think for menopause, the recommendations are still pretty similar. I wouldn’t call any of these dietary recommendations Keto – really that word should be saved for talking about the extreme medical diet. But some of these trendy (buy my book/supplements/blah blah blah) menopause diets add on these anti-inflammatory diet variables, which are a little vague. At their core, these diets are essentially the lower carbs/higher protein/higher fat that we are talking about here. Less of the junk food too, lots of fruits and veg and lean proteins, but often they want to hold dairy. Cutting out dairy – if you don’t have signs/symptoms of intolerance – is a big nutritional sacrifice for many women, so I would definitely talk with your doctor before doing this and make sure your daily protein/calcium/vitamin D is sufficient because for many of us those will suffer with no dairy. But maybe not for you, so ?

        I strongly think every woman in their 40’s or 50’s who think that they are starting to have symptoms of perimenopause should see a GYN specialist in menopause and get recommendations. Since a lot of us get changes in digestion/bowels with aging/perimenopause along with weight gain, it is great to deal with it all at once with a knowledgeable pro.

        Additional issues of hot flashes/poor sleep/mood changes all can affect weight and eating behaviors so it isn’t crazy to rethink diet when he it this age because it is startling how quickly potato chips go to my (new for me) belly.

  9. Anon

    UK types: why the manhunt for the heiress, rap1st, and their baby? Why the international press coverage? I hate to say it, but “wealthy woman estranged from family makes poor choice in boyfriend and has child” seems like a pretty pedestrian story. I understand they’ve since found the baby dead, but the intense coverage of the story started long before the baby was found dead. The police line of “we’re just concerned about the baby’s welfare” didn’t make a lick of sense to this American – I’m sure there are all sorts of runaway teens and other missing persons they could have been looking for?

    • Anonymous

      Omg please just share a link to whatever you are talking about. These vague posts are so annoying.

    • AIMS

      Why are so many stories in the in the U.S. focused on the same exact thing every time a pretty young woman disappears here? I feel bad for all the families and victims involved but don’t get the obsessive coverage. The answer is the same in all the cases though – it sells.

    • Cb

      I think it’s just a story that feels sensational, captures the public attention etc. But on the back of the Nicola Bulley case as well…

    • Anonymous

      Why shouldn’t the police look for a neglected baby? Yes, there are countries where a suspected neglected, possibly abandoned, baby might be of no interest, but I don’t get why it’s bad that this one was searched for. I think there are a lot more missing people, including children, in the US than in the UK, though, so I understand why it can seem hyper-focused on just the one from the outside. And totally agree that missing teens should be a priority. Unfortunately I do think that just as in the US, lots of missing teens are not so much runaways as pushed out from e.g. homophobic families. I love the Trevor project in the US, and support similar charities in Europe.

    • Anon

      Doesn’t the fact that their baby has tragically been discovered dead demonstrate that the police were quite right to have serious concerns in this case. Just because too many children slip through the next doesn’t mean we should somehow be shocked or disapproving when the police and welfare services are taking appropriate action.

  10. Anonymous

    Please skip if you don’t want to hear about Covid – but at this stage in the game, how Covid cautious can you be in the setting of networking or interviewing without people just thinking you’re crazy and basically just rejecting you from jobs for that reason? Meaning if you’re setting a networking meeting and the company person suggests coffee, can you ask for an outdoor coffee? Or if the only option is indoors can you say you’d rather meet in their office – because most offices don’t have as many people coming and going as any restaurant? If going for coffee and they agree to outdoors, can you mask up in the time you’re inside getting the coffee and paying and then when you both sit outside you take the mask off? Can you mask in an interview?

    I mean I understand you CAN do whatever you want. But reality is with no one being covid cautious anymore, it’s just another reason for people to dislike you and deem you not a team player or whatever. Lawyer and lawyer adjacent jobs in the DC area though I’d like meet with a few people in Richmond and also in NJ.

    I’ve been out of the game for so long and with this pandemic I feel like life and career are passing me by. I’m stuck in a dead end job but I’ve stayed for the last three years because of full work from home. As we head back to the office next month though, I find myself really wanting to do something else and there are potential opportunities in my sub field, but being senior it’ll involve meeting with people and shaking hands and all that, not just submitting a resume online. While I am vaccinated, I have health concerns and then because I have health concerns, I feel like life is passing me by.

    • Anonymous

      I live in Richmond and am in DC quite a bit. IME you will definitely be judged for masking in Richmond but not as much in DC.

    • Anon

      I am immune compromised. I take chances with things that are super important and skip the rest. I will do any outdoor gathering though (though i did skip one that looked like a crowded subway train when I walked in), and since I’m in CA there are plenty.

      I go to three industry meetings per year, one involves a cross country flight, and so far so good. Knock wood.

      I also do networking type lunches with a handful of people I know well. But one of those people just said “let’s all go to Vegas” and I noped out of that one. (To be honest, pre pandemic I would also have noped out most likely.)

      • Anonymous

        Meaning you do these things masked, unmasked, outdoors? Or you just proceed as normal with these things – go to lunch or important conferences as you would have four years ago and hope for the best?

        • Anon

          I mask when I can at conferences, but I take a risk to unmask during reception type events. It’s personal choice. When I’m just sitting there listening to a presentation, I tend to mask.

          I don’t go to as many conferences as I used to pre-pandemic, partly because of covid, and partly because my role has changed. Also, regular industry meetings that used to be in person are still mostly online this year, other than the whatever organization’s big annual meeting.

    • Anon

      Just piping up to say there’s still Covid cautious people around. I’m mid level and wear a mask a lot; my husband is very senior and takes masking and air quality even more seriously.

      We would both appreciate you suggesting a coffee shop with outdoor seating, we don’t dine/drink indoors either.

      Personally I would wear my mask to the interview and take it off only after sitting down more than four feet away. If they want to shake hands, I can do that as I’ll wash them afterwards and not touch my face or drink during the interview.

      I wouldn’t ping you for masking during an interview and neither would my husband (one of his best staff spent time in ICU with Covid and he still worries about her).

      Wishing you lots of luck.

    • Anon

      FWIW, what I have encountered is that while many people are not masking regularly, those who do wear masks are not looked down on at all. They’re not disliked or thought of as not being a team player. Asking for outdoor meetings wouldn’t fly where I am right now because we’re still in the middle of winter.

      • Anon

        Yeah, there’s one person in my office who is still masking and no one cares.

    • Anon

      I’m in CA, and it feels very reasonable to eat/drink outside here because the weather is nice most of the time. Not sure what the weather is like there right now, but I assume people are much more willing to meet outside when it’s nice than when it’s freezing, so maybe try to schedule things seasonally? I’m also pretty covid cautious, so I’d try to get the most bang for my covid risk and not completely avoid things, but schedule things outside and online as much as you can, and then be willing to meet in person when you really have to.

      • Anon

        Just adding that zoom meetings and first round interviews are still very common because people are lazy and they take less time than trying to schedule things in person, even when people are back in the office. I know this is field dependent, but you can probably do a fair amount of this without having to meet in person.

    • Anon

      I think it’s like health concerns pre-pandemic. Do you have legally-protected accommodations you need? Cheerily ask for them without apology. Are you just risk averse? Then no, you can not ask for outdoor coffee.

        • Anon

          Obviously you *can* but I’d find it odd to be asked to drink coffee out in the cold in 2023 (blue states btw). I have no problem with indoor masking and would not bat an eye at someone who did at work, but if you wouldn’t suggest drinking coffee in the cold in 2019 I don’t think you should in 2023 (and I did tons of cold outdoor dining 2021 but it’s two years later).

        • anonshmanon

          this is probably heavily weather dependent and unfortunately also depending on the local political leanings. It would be a non issue where I am, but I wouldn’t expect that everywhere.

    • Anonymous

      Won’t say this is a game, but I think you need to assume that you’ll be treated like any other person who has some kind of disability that impacts their job, and have to make really agonizing decisions about what to share and when. Assume that this will be a strike against you, even though it shouldn’t, and be happily surprised when it’s not.

      Signed – somebody who has to work from home due to a high risk family member, probably permanently, and is paying the price at work

    • anonymous

      I think you have to do what you’re comfortable with. I’m immunocomprised with a non-visible chronic condition, so I’m still very Covid cautious. I live alone, but I’m 5x vaxxed, double mask with a KN-95 + cloth mask except for eating/drinking/shower/bed, and wear gloves and goggles whenever reasonable outside the home. I WFH and have shifted as many things as possible to home-delivery, so I’m able to avoid exposure for long periods.

      I don’t really care what other think considering we’re in the middle of a global pandemic that’s killed millions.

        • Anon

          Well, unfortunately for the most vulnerable, it isn’t crazy. That’s what we do in the hospital to prevent transmission between doctors/patients who are most vulnerable. It does work.

      • Anon

        Pretty sure this is a sarcastic post that’s making fun of those of us who are still masking in public, and it’s not very kind.

    • anon

      If you can afford to be choosy, I would do what you’re comfortable with. If that weeds some opportunities out, fantastic. Personally, I prefer to meet outside for a walk/coffee when the weather is fine. I also prefer when folks where masks around me inside (though I wouldn’t ask anyone to do so at this point).

      I saw a column recently (maybe it was The Economist) imploring folks to switch to calls instead of coffees for networking for efficiency. You might consider trying to do calls. I personally would prefer to a call to a coffee because there’s less time getting to the cafe, etc.

    • Anon

      I’m in DC; no health conditions.

      I saw someone in the grocery store last night, and my thoughts were, “Oh, she must be immuno-compromised – this has been a tough time” immediately followed by “She must be sick with something and not want to give it to others.” “She’s an anxious whack job who can’t get over her fear of COVID even though it’s ‘over'” didn’t cross my mind.

      I attend two different churches – one at home, and one at our weekend house – and you shake hands during the middle of the service with your neighbors. Our weekend house church seems have to permanently adopted the “God be with you” wave, while our home church jumped back to shaking hands really quickly. Now that I think about it, shaking hands with the dozen people around me when they’re touching their nose and maybe not washing their hands and all that is just really gross. So I just do the “God be with you” wave and they adjust. In a business context, I don’t have problems shaking a couple hands.

      In DC, it’s not warm enough yet to expect someone to meet you outside. Better to pick an indoor place you think is likely to be empty-ish.

      • Anon

        Choosing a place you expect to be empty-ish is something that has worked well for me – late lunches and early dinners.

      • Anon

        Also, from an immune compromised person, thank you for thinking kind thoughts about the masked stranger. I’m generally OK near my home but I’ve had some people glare at me & make comments for masking when I’m a little father afield.

    • Anonymous

      I’d encourage you to dip a toe in the water here because that’ll help you work out what you can or can’t ask for. You’re in DC. You all get beautiful springs – why not reach out to people at the end of March and try to schedule in person things for April and May? People won’t balk at coffee outdoors in nice weather. Personally I’d also feel ok asking a networking contact for an in office meeting rather than restaurant where outdoors isn’t easily an option; I do think offices are largely much much emptier now than any restaurant so you’re just crossing paths with fewer people and you can mask all the way through the lobby and elevators and only unmask with that person in their office.

      And I agree with the above – you’ll find some people do networking meetings and early round interviews by Zoom anyway because people have such variable office schedules now that they don’t want to commit to meeting you downtown next Wed only to be like ugh I wasn’t going to go in today but now I have to because I committed to meeting this person. They’d rather dial in in five seconds and be done with it.

    • Anonymous

      You can do whatever you want but has your doctor told you this is necessary? If not. Stop. No one wants to do you a favor by getting a networking coffee outside in the cold.

    • Anon

      Blunt feedback: you’re going to have to take some risks if you are senior in your job and want to move ahead in your career, and you need to get a different job via networking. You should anticipate that if you are overly cautious and put weird restrictions around where/when you’ll meet and will only meet outdoors, or whatever, people will look at this askance (or at least wonder what’s up with you – especially if you aren’t immunocompromised or living with an immunocompromised person) and it will likely hinder your ability to get another job.

      If this was a question of “I am doing fine and I’m fine where I am, can I keep being super-cautious” my answer would be different. In that case, keep on keepin’ on. But in a situation where you need to build relationships, put your best foot forward, and not come across as weird or high-maintenance because you need someone to give you a job – you have to be friendly, put your best foot forward, and not come across as weird or high-maintenance. And only wanting to meet outdoors will be seen as weird and high-maintenance by many people. Ditto with being super-anxious/paranoid about masking. When people are looking to hire, or recommend you for a job, they want to know that in general, you are a collegial, flexible and easy-to-get-along-with person. If you project very different energy, well – don’t be surprised when a year from now, you’re still stuck in the same dead-end job. You could always relax your standards and then get the job and then go back to being super-cautious, but I don’t know if that’s a recipe for success in a new position.

      FWIW I really don’t care about people masking, generally, and don’t know anyone who does care if other people mask; the general assumption I have (and have heard expressed) is that if people are masking, that’s their business and they must have a need to do so. What does bother me is when people act put-out or indignant because other people aren’t masking, or seem like they’re masking performatively, i.e., walking into a room, looking around and then dramatically pulling out a mask and putting it on, and then sitting six feet away from everyone at the conference table, which meant the person who was on the phone couldn’t hear the masked person speak (between the mask and the distance from the microphone). Which I saw someone do at work last week. Don’t be that person, it’s a bad look. It’s the Covid-era equivalent of being dramatic about an allergenic food someone brings to a potluck. Just don’t eat that dish; we don’t need to hear you dramatically explain your shellfish allergy or gluten intolerance for 20 minutes.

      • Anon

        Anyone who walks into the room without a mask on isn’t serious to begin with and is definitely just being dramatic.

        One-way masking however isn’t optimal protection in poorly ventilated spaces; masks rely on some measure of source control for full efficacy. So people are generally correct that spaces where few people are masking are significantly less safe.

    • Anon

      In your situation I think you can suggest outdoor dining for a networking meeting, especially if the weather is getting pleasant where you live. No one wants to eat outside when it’s in the 40s but if temps are getting up above 60, I think it’s ok. For an interview, I’d probably mask during the interview and in the restaurant when not eating, but take the mask off to eat. I know some people think this is hygiene theater, but I do think how long you’re without a mask matters. Anecdotally, my husband and I took off our masks off for ~15-20 minutes to eat on a recent flight and didn’t catch Covid, while a friend seated near us with no mask did.

      I wore a mask to a big work event recently (was the only one masked) and an exec whose dislike for me predates the pandemic grumbled about it to several people. My boss conveyed the grumbling, and I conveyed back that he better be careful if he doesn’t want to run afoul of the ADA. I have an autoimmune disease and wearing a mask strikes me as a perfectly reasonable accommodation that does not in any way interfere with the performance of my duties (I’m not a speech therapist or anything like that where people would have a need to see my mouth). According to my boss, the exec was chastened.

    • Anon

      I think if you’re networking or interviewing in industries, companies, or jobs that have any in person requirement, you will be judged for this. It may come off as someone who is unwilling to work in person, and then you may be passed over for someone less cautious

    • Anonymous

      I’ve suggested this before – get a co2 monitor like aranet to help you assess indoor air quality. It isn’t rocket science: small, intimate spaces with low ceiling have higher co2 (so you’re breathing more people’s exhaled air). Big airy spaces are generally better, especially if you’re seated near the door. IME big institutions like museums have excellent air quality, especially since they’ve had 3 years to make whatever changes they needed to.

    • Thoughts From Another Immunocompromised Person

      * Channel my grandma: “Nothing is more important than your health.”
      * Anyone who would not give you a job because you are masking during a pandemic is someone for and with whom you do not want to work.
      * People seem not to realize that wearing a mask (even an N95) indoors when other people are not masking (and presumably not taking precaution in their private life either and so may be asymptomatically infectious) is not complete protection for you. Wearing an N95 will delay transmission to you if someone in the room is infectious, but it won’t prevent it forever. If you stay in that environment long enough, there will be transmission.
      * Had anyone taken the last three years to improve indoor air quality, all of this would matter less.

  11. Anon

    TW: body description

    Help me shop and dress myself for, really, the first time in years. I get my bonus next week and I need a major wardrobe overhaul, particularly for work wear. During the pandemic, I worked from home for 2.5 years and went from a size 2-4 to an 8-10. I started a new job a few months ago which requires 2-3x/week in the office and I’ve been getting by with black dress pants, stretchy sweaters, and lug sole booties. I’m well aware I’ve looked very frumpy. It seems I have gained all my weight in my stomach and breasts, so I don’t feel “curvy.” My hips and butt are smaller than my stomach. I also have small calves, so I’m very top heavy. I thought I would balance that out by getting flared dress pants but I just feel extremely frumpy and outdated in them. Shopping is so hard now when I used to feel good in basically everything. I used to wear form fitting dresses, skinny pants with sleeveless blouses, sharp jackets and cardigans. None of that feels good on me now and I don’t know where to look and what to look for. If it helps, I used to shop at WHBM, Ann Taylor, BR, etc.

    • Anon

      I never gain weight in the bosom area. So what doesn’t fit me: Lafayette 148. Their stuff is great, but not for my shape (mega-pear). Also, check out J Crew and J Crew Factory. They have some cute things that should work well. I’m an 8-10 and not tall and wear that I look great in what I got recently (straight legs, if cropped, they may also have a slight flare).

      • Anon

        Another mega-pear here, your size range. 2 on top, 8-10 on the bottom. Small high waist. Can you tell me your favorite pants/designers? Especially if they are comfortable.

        I appreciate some stretch but hate something form fitting so my co-workers are staring at my rear all day. And all the comfy pull-on pants styles are so huge at the waistband (I have a very tiny waste) and you really can’t tailor a stretchy fabric/waistline.

        My dream is a flat front pant with a side zip, pull on style pant that skims but has a tiny bit of stretch for my lower stomach food baby that appears late in the day. Pull on fabric pants small enough for my waist can’t get over my butt without a zipper.

        I just bought Athleta Brooklyn pants and they look awful. To size for my butt, the waistband is huge and floppy and looks bad. And obviously you can’t tailor a pant that is essentially a pair of joggers (!).

        • Anon

          Not the person you’re replying to, but Talbots curvy cut. You may still need the waist taken in a bit with your extreme waist to hip ratio, though.

        • Anon

          A tailor can certainly alter joggers successfully. Most people don’t bother, but the Athleta joggers are enough of an investment that it might be worth it if you love them otherwise.

          • Anon

            Interesting. Thanks for this. I didn’t know.

            I still need the side zipper to get them over my rear though…

            Thanks guys. I’ll look at Talbots.

    • Anne-on

      I’d start by getting a proper bra fitting. I’d bet money you’re wearing the wrong size and a properly fitted one will make you look/feel better in your clothes.
      I don’t see why you can’t shop at the stores you mentioned above – they carry sizes 8-10? You may need to change the silhouettes you pick (and frankly bodycon dresses/skinny pants are a bit dated now) but overall I’d focus on finding cuts and colors you enjoy and buying a few pieces at a time – straight leg slacks, a-line dresses that cinch in or have some detail at your natural waist, blouses that skim your body vs. sweaters. Belle over at CapHillStyle is writing a lot about dressing her post partum body and may be a good read.

      • Anon

        Agree on the bra, but I did better with redd1t a bra that fits + free prime shipping and returns at Amazon. Nordstrom “fit” me into a size that they had on hand that day, which it turns out is not my size at all.

        I thought I was a 40D and I’m a 38G (UK size).

    • pugsnbourbon

      FWIW your outfits don’t sound frumpy to me. Or at least I hope not – swap jeans for the dress pants and that’s pretty much my uniform.
      In my experience there’s an element of trial and error to figure out what you like. And part of it is getting your eyes get used to new cuts and silhouettes – it took me a while to feel “right” in straight-leg vs. skinny jeans, for example.

    • Anon

      I have the same body shape so I sympathize. I really like pants from J Crew Factory.

    • Smokey

      If you can, I would make an appointment with a personal stylist at Nordstrom. Their clothes cover lots of price points. If someone could help you put together a couple of great outfits you would feel better and have a better sense of how to dress your changed body. Good luck!

    • Anon

      Wear a column of color – top that matches pants or skirt – and a different colored topper worn open. The column of color creates a long line, and the open jacket (or cardigan) creates a flattering vertical line.

      Wear jewelry either on your ears or neck to draw attention to your face.

    • No Face

      I could have written this, except I went from a straight up and down 6 to a 16 during the pandemic, with my belly being the biggest recipient of the gain. The belly without hips made it so hard to find clothes!

      I leaned into loose or A-line dresses. I typed “shift dress” into eBay and got them from thrift stores. Easy to look presentable and I can still wear them even though I’m down to a size 8 now.

    • ALT

      I also had the same body shape/body size change and I empathize with the emotions tied to a changing shape. It’s hard to look dramatically different than you used to, and to dress a shape you aren’t used to.

      What’s helped me:
      -high waisted “real” pants that have a side zip or a non-bulky front zipper/pocket situation—I like Loft’s Sutton pants in the curvy fit or size up a size in the straight fit to fit my tummy
      -blouses that are not too flowy or not too fitted, half-tucked in the front to define the waist area and not feel like a boxy blob—this is something Ann Taylor is good for!
      -Wrap dresses or faux wrap dresses—I wear Spanx under them but in a larger size so they aren’t tight but smooth things out. Having a defined waist detail like a sash or tie helps camouflage my tummy
      -A line skirts and dresses—I basically lived all winter in high waisted A line midi skirts + a fitted (but not tight) bodysuit and streamlined booties. Hoping to find similar silhouettes for spring

      I think the key, for me at least, is having high waisted bottoms so it feels like my tummy is held in and balancing that with a bit more
      Volume on top—a blousy half tuck, a boxier sweater on skinny pants, a V neck rather than a crew neck, dolman sleeves.

      Also, I think about women I know who are similarly sized (or bigger) and similarly shaped and think about how I don’t nit pick their appearance, it just IS. They wear clothes and I might notice what they wear but I don’t think “Oh Sarah’s arms look too flabby for that top”…I think “that color is lovely on Sarah”.

      I also have tried to think less about being tied identity-wise to a clothing size and instead on getting clothing that a) fits b) I feel good in c) is flattering. If I need to bring a large, a medium and an XL to the dressing room, it is what it is. One of them will fit. And if none of them fit quite right, that’s not a failure on your part.

      I also addressed a lot of these issues in therapy. I always thought that I had good self esteem but I think it was more that I knew what would fit so I didn’t have to think about my body. Not being able to grab the smallest size off the rack and have it fit was a total mind f*ck and therapy really helped decouple my identity and self worth from my body size.

      Sending you lots of hugs…happy to chat more if you post a burner email.

    • anon

      First, it’s not you, it’s the stores. Repeat to yourself. And, say it again. Second, when you go shopping, grab a 12, 10 and 8 when you go to the dressing room. Try on the 12, too big, try on the 10. You get the idea – always start high. Or, better yet, go with European brands where who cares if you are a 40 or 42. Third, go buy something fun. Forget about the whole overhaul. Go to the mall, put however much you want in your pocket and just go buy something fun. I promise you that silly shirt, or fun blazer or pair of jeans will work its way into your wardrobe. Be 16 again and just go to the mall for the joy of finding something. And, finally, there is a point we all realize that the old lady brands (quote un-quote) are there for a reason. This is about the point that we are NOW the same age as the women we remember wearing Boden, Lafayette, etc. when we started work. Welcome to the other side.

      • Anon

        Girl, I went all the way to Eileen Fisher in my forties. It’s more about me being a fiber snob than worrying about being flattering, but my 40s were when I said f the haters and decided to wear what I wanted to wear. It’s liberating!

  13. An.On.

    I just got what looks like an auto-response that delivery of an email to recipient A failed, but I just went back to double check and I don’t think that email address was copied on my original email at all, and in fact I have no idea who that is. Recipient A’s email isn’t in my contacts or any previous email exchanges. Has this happened to other people? Is there some way to reach out to google and make sure nothing else weird is going on with the email I sent?

    • Anon

      To reach out to google? No, I don’t think there’s any way you can get individualized help from them.

    • Anon

      99% Phishing. Mark accordingly and delete.

      1% If not phishing and you recognize the email subject: maybe someone was on BCC and when you hit reply to all, the reply was also going to them, but there was some error.

      I would mark as phishing, delete and forget.

    • Anon

      If you had any extra text in the sender field, some email servers will attempt to resolve it automatically. An example: I used to be Sally@university.edu. Whenever someone attempted to email someone with a space after the word Sally (like sally smith@univeristy.edu) I’d get their email instead.

  14. Anonymous

    If I haven’t found a lug sole bootie and a white sneaker I like should I just stop trying? Can’t decide if these are trends or like the 5050 boots where they just keep going and going.

    • Anonymous

      The bootie is just a trend. If you get a classic tennis shoe, it’s a classic. But not anything trendy.

  15. Kelsey

    I am planning to go to a gala for the Make a Wish Foundation. We are guests of one of the table sponsors. The dress code is “black tie optional,” but it looks from the pics that most of the guys wear suits and ties, or jacket and ties. In my case, should I opt for a cocktail dress or evening wear? The pictures aren’t helpful as they only show people sitting down at tables so I have no idea whether they are wearing long dresses.

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