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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
This is a long shot, but any recs for things to do in Roanoke, Va?
Anon
I have heard good things about The Spot on Kirk.
Nawab Indian is delicious.
emeralds
I haven’t spent that much time in Roanoke myself, but if you give me some specific stuff you’re looking for, I can phone a friend. Off the top of my head…
Lots of hiking! Mill Mountain Star, McAfee’s Knob, Devil’s Marbleyard.
Breweries. Deschutes and Big Lick are right in town.
Anon 2.0
Never thought I’d see Roanoke mentioned here! Definitely go to the Mill Mountain Star. You can drive up there and it is a gorgeous overlook of the city. There is lots of hiking in the general area if that is your thing as well. There is a transportation museum and art museum downtown. If you’re into little greasy spoon dives there is a place called Texas Tavern that has been around forever and a day. If you have a car there is an Elizabeth Arden warehouse in Salem that has an outlet store. It is AMAZING. You can purchase makeup for like 75% off retail and they have a large selection of perfume for great prices as well. (If you do go keep in mind it is in a warehouse and while they have large fans it is not air conditioned.)
How much time will you have in the area? Smith Mountain Lake is a short drive away and gorgeous! If you have the time this is where I would go.
Anon
Thank you! I’ll be there for 2 full days with my mom, who went to Roanoke College but hasn’t been back in the area for a while (but she definitely frequented the Texas Tavern back in the day). We’d heard that Roanoke (thf city) has changed a good bit recently so wanted to see what recommendations people had!
We’ll likely spend one day in Salem visiting campus, Mack and Bobs, etc and one day hiking with dinner/breweries/maybe a place live music/walking around Roanoke in the afternoon/night
RI Lawyer
Another nice thing to do is get up on the Blue Ridge Parkway. The physical beauty of the area is really its big selling point. Other than that, it doesn’t have much to offer (says the woman who grew up there and couldn’t wait to get the hell out).
Anonymous
Don’t do what I did there, which was take the bar exam!
Family feud
I need advice on how to best handle fallouts between my partner and her family. Several times a year, my partner will see her father and/or brothers, often resulting in a huge fight. For context, her male family members are stubborn and bigoted and are unwilling to even refrain from making heinous comments in her/our presence. This is clearly upsetting, though at this point a consistent pattern. She also is still resentful towards her father for preferring her brothers over her (e.g. by attending their sports games) and will always bring this up with him when they meet. I have gently suggested that she take a step back from seeing them since it habitually makes her the upset to the point of hysterically crying for several hours and being upset for the next several days. She says that taking a break from talking will mean she “has no family.” Frankly, I feel at this point that she is being a bit dramatic and not sure how much more support I can provide given that she continues to re-enact the same fights with the same results (yesterday she came home sobbing and debriefed for several hours despite the fact that I told her I have a job interview today). Am I being horribly callous or is it reasonable to set a boundary at this point? FWIW, I am in therapy and she is not currently, though I have mentioned it might be helpful.
Anon
It sounds like therapy is crucial for her. She needs to talk this through with someone other than you.
Anonymous
She needs therapy if she wants to move foward. But she may not be ready for that. A big part of adulting is accepting that your parents/siblings are who they are and not who you wish they were.
This is also the kind of issue you should discuss with your therapist who will probably give you better advice than us plebians.
anon
Agree. Hopefully your therapist can give you some ideas & your partner will be open to therapy herself. She can change her behavior, not theirs. That may mean she sees them less frequently, or maybe she develops coping mechanisms so she is not basically debilitated for several days after a visit.
Anon
Another plus one for “she can change herself but can’t change them.” My mother is about a 6 out of 10 on the difficulty scale (hard but not terrible and means well) but it still took me a good bit of work with a therapist to re-frame our relationship to be healthy for me. As a bonus, it has helped me help my sisters and SIL. Hard work but well worth the peace that it brought to me.
Go for it
If one has a family that is consistently unloving in words and behavior; such as mine, I have found it immensely helpful to make an”family” of choice. One needs to find loving people in order to maintain mental health. The definition of insanity is to repeat a behavior & expect different results. That ones family is not going to be who we wish they were is a hard reality to come to grips with.
That awakening conclusion came from tons of therapy, which, btw I highly recommend a family systems person.
I still see my family of origin; however, as I no longer need their approval emotionally my interactions are much easier on my psyche.
Anonymous
No keep setting that boundary. “I’m sorry you’re upset. As I told you, I’m not available to support you through this today.”
Anonymous
Do people really treat there partners this coldly?
I sometimes say when I’m on my last nerve “I just can’t right now.” But I couldn’t say this without feeling almost robot-level coldness.
Never too many shoes...
That seems a really harsh and unfeeling response to a sobbing partner. I appreciate that OP had other things on her mind, but I still would not advocate such a response.
Anonymous
Yeah, I get that dating is different than marriage, but I can’t imagine being okay with my husband saying this to me.
Inspired by Hermione
I have the feeling this response comes from that the OP says it happens a lot rather than the differences between dating and marriage, but even so, this is so cold. I would be very, very hurt (and then probably, in retrospect, angry) if even a friend said this to me. There are ways to say “I know this is terrible and I care about you very much, but I do not have the emotional capacity to provide what you need right now.” This is so, so not one of them.
Anonymous
Agreed — nothing good comes from leading off with “As I told you . . .”
Housecounsel
I can absolutely see my husband saying this to me if I refuse to take reasonable steps to help myself.
Anonome
I don’t think that, in this exact situation, this is a cold response. The partner knew that OP has a very important event today (the job interview) and chose, despite that knowledge, to engage in an often-repeated behavior that she knew would make her break down emotionally and require a significant amount of caretaking. OP is well within reason to react this way to this specific incident.
In general, I agree that such a response can be cold and unwarranted.
Go for it
Never would I speak to a partner that way. I support having had enough of dealing with the issue, yet still would make it my business to find a kinder way to address my love. Ymmv
Anon
I think you are being completely reasonable, and that your partner would benefit from therapy. But you can’t make her get therapy or accept the situation. Although you can keep saying that you are unwilling to discuss it, that doesn’t seem to be working or having an effect on stopping the conversation. Could you try not being available or at home when she returns from spending time with her family? Maybe having time to decompress on her own would help? But, ultimately at the end of the day, you have to decide whether you can live with it or not.
anon
I think the therapy suggestions are good. A few other thoughts — what is she looking for from you? She may want a shoulder to cry on, not advice/fixing, so don’t know that you need to necessarily rehash things each time. Also, for reframing — she may be essentially mourning the loss of her family, slowly. It sounds like that’s what she is saying, and it will take her a while to come to terms with that.
Anon
It doesn’t sound like OP is the one trying to rehash things every single time so it does actually seem like that’s what her partner wants.
anon
Not what I meant, sorry not to be clear. I don’t know what the conversation is when OP’s partner debriefs with her after one of these convos. Assuming they are having a convo each time about strategies to deal with the family stuff, maybe OP can try active listening only. Still emotionally difficult for OP, but potentially less so.
Anon
My family is awful. (The latest trick is that some of them will be downright evil to me in person/over the phone, when no one is watching, and then deny it all when I complain about it later. The gaslighting makes what happened in the famous movie seem mild.)
I’m a wreck after talking to them, and it’s affecting my marriage. My husband has been great. Here’s what helps:
My husband reminds me that I’m not a crap person for cutting ties. In fact, he’s shocked it took me this long.
When your family is messed up, it’s hard to know what “normal” is (ie, healthy, not dysfunctional). He helps me by putting up guardrails — saying “X is just not right,” because even if it’s my “normal,” it’s not how healthy families treat each other.
I have other “family.” My friends are truly wonderful people who have my back. My child will know them as their aunts and uncles.
My husband’s family is wonderful and they treat me like family.
One of my friends, who was abused even worse than I was, reminds me that I didn’t choose to be related to them, and to enjoy the life I’ve built for myself. I have to remind myself that trying to “fix” my family means that I lose the bigger battle: the fight for the life I want for myself.
I pray, a lot. Adjust this for your own circumstances.
Anonymous
All the hugs.
On the first one, I use text/email to communicate whenever I can. I’m ‘in the bathroom’ or ‘out shopping’ or ‘in a meeting’ whenever they call. phone is never answered. Send text later in evening and note you are going to bed so you don’t have to read their reply or take their call. Turn off phone until morning. Harder to gaslight when communication is written.
Anon
They refuse to communicate in writing. Result: we don’t talk anymore. My husband is ready to intervene and tell them that everything goes through him.
ToS
As someone who came from less-than-great family dynamics with the gaslighting to prove it – reading Tara Westover’s Educated made me feel OK about where I was with maintaining boundaries, and working with parental dysfunction. My experience was not as hard as hers with Shawn, but the gender bias for tolerating horrible behavior with sons while subjecting successful daughters to endless scrutiny happens to too many daughters.
For Tara Westover, there are real moments when the anchor that her family provided for her childhood is in jeopardy during her years in graduate school. She kept journals that bore witness to what was so hard about separating from people who were part of your beginning, but need distance so you are healthy-enough and can reasonably enjoy the life you create by stepping away from repeating what child-you growing to adult-you experienced.
She changed what she could, and made peace with what was beyond the scope of a daughter’s and a sister’s ability. And she wrote a book to shine a light on her experiences that clearly resonates.
Best wishes.
Anon
I think she does need therapy, it seems like she keeps repeating the same behavior over and over and having the same expectations that will never be met. A therapist can help her let go of them and be more at peace with the reality of the situation. I don’t think it’s callous to gently point that out.
anonforthis
“A big part of adulting is accepting that your parents/siblings are who they are and not who you wish they were.” Yup, unlike your partner/spouse, you just can’t pick ’em.
Redefining relationships with difficult family members, or just family members you have little common ground with, is hard but has to be done. Or if they are completely toxic, it is OK to block them out of your life completely. (I thought I was going to have to do the latter with my mom, but she is misguided rather than toxic. I would love to have a mom I was close with, but that is never going to happen and she will continually judge my life and be contrarian and annoy me with her commentary. I visit with her in small doses only and have time-limited phone conversations.)
Veronica Mars
Does anyone have a recommendation for an online custom framer that does standing frames (/not wall framing)? I need to get a photo framed for my in-laws for their mantel, and my go-to only does wall hardware only. Looking to spend $50 or under for a 5×7 to 8×10 framed picture. Any recs? Or should I just buy a nice frame at pottery barn and call it a day?
Anon
I would just buy a nice frame at Pottery Barn. For something as small as 8×10, you won’t really notice the difference.
Mpls
Buy a frame in a store (Pottery Barn, Michaels, Joanns, Target, whatever). You’ve got standard sized photos, so the custom option seems a bit much – especially if you are looking for under $50.
lsw
Mpix is awesome for ordering a print in a frame with a mat, but I’ve only done that when they’ve also printed the photo for me. Staying under $50 is going to be hard unless you just buy a standard mat and frame.
Veronica Mars
Thanks everyone! Pottery Barn it is!
Inspired by Hermione
I read this (multiple times) as “customer farmer” and just could not figure it out. I’m going on 3ish hours of sleep for two nights in a row now.
Shopping help - Summer dresses
I’m looking for causal summer dresses that are not crew necks and which don’t show cleavage. A dress with a high V-neck would be perfect. I’m a size 14 hourglass, and like things with a defined waist that are knee-length. I ordered like 20 dresses over the holiday weekend, and all but one show way too much cleavage for a daytime dress. Anyone have ideas?
Anonymous
Maybe try eShakti? You can customize necklines, hem length, etc.
lsw
Have you tried Lands End? I’m not sure what their fit and flare selection is right now but they have modest Vs.
Summer dresses
I tried Lands End, but all the V-necks showed significant amounts of cleavage on me. They might have been fine for someone with a small chest, but as a DD, the clothing basically only covered my bra.
lsw
Huh, I’m surprised. I wear a DDD and haven’t had this issue! I haven’t bought one in a few years, though. They could well have changed the cut.
FFS
I’m a 36H and I look awesome in the fit and flares, but they are definitely not modest on me. Sizing up made no appreciable difference.
Anon
Do you maybe need to take up your clothing in the shoulders or try petites?
anon
Themogan (on amazon) has some that meet your criteria, in lots of colors, if you scroll past the crazy bodycon and look for cotton.
SW
Talbots. I am a size 14, 36G, and I have this dress in every color and pattern they offer. It’s perfect.
https://www.talbots.com/sale/dresses/faux-wrap-jersey-sheath-dress/P191036716.html?cgid=sale-dresses&dwvar_P191036716_color=INDIGO%20BLUE/POPPY%20RED&dwvar_P191036716_sizeType=MS#sz=71&start=1
SW
Also this one: https://www.talbots.com/apparel/25-off-all-dresses-and-skirts/knit-jersey-faux-wrap-dress/P192036018.html
Anon
Thank you I wear slot of Talbots sheath dresses but haven’t tried these..,I am size 12 and 36D….
Summer dresses
This looks like a possibility. Do you find the sleeves very hot? I’m looking for things to wear outside in the summer, when it is like 90 degrees and 90% humidity.
SW
I don’t think they’re too hot, but I don’t usually do sleeveless so I am used to sleeves in the summer. The material feels heavy when you take it out of the package, but it wears cooler than you would expect.
anon
Weird suggestion, check out Toad and Co. Sometimes you can find their stuff at REI. I used to really like their stuff, haven’t tried it lately (although now that I look it at, I’m lusting after that jumpsuit). Here is a dress option: https://www.toadandco.com/womens/clothing/dresses/Liv-Dress?quantity=1&color=525
Anon
Not the OP but I like this.
The original Scarlett
Spendey, but Tucker NYC dresses fit your bill. Search around for a coupon code, there’s usually one for 15-20% off.
Anonymous
do You really wear silk dresses to do casual summer things?
The original Scarlett
I do, but I’m a little fancy IRL – I wear them with sandals and sneakers, and I also wear them to the office. I like a wardrobe that goes both directions – weekend and work, my office is casual so it works for me. It’s also a nice summer fabric, I’ve found. YMMV.
Anonymous
To, like, Target?
The original Scarlett
Lordy, you don’t have to wear them, but I don’t go to Target on the weekend – that’s what online shopping is for.
Anonymous
I’m just so confused. She asked for casual and these dresses are like perfect for literally wearing to Meghan Markle’s wedding. How do you go to a park? Run errands? Play with kids? Heck, sit outside day drinking without getting soaked in sweet?
ksa
I also wear silk dresses in everyday life, and I have a toddler. Silk is actually pretty easy to care for (wash in machine and then line dry) and I like the way it looks and feels. If you feel like you’re too formally dress in silk it may be the cut, not the fabric.
The original Scarlett
So none of the things you list are things I do on weekends (parks, kids, errands) so I can’t speak to those activities. My casual stuff is getting together with friends, walking around, going to brunch, dinner, etc. I, personally, find silk to be a cool fabric – I don’t sweat in it, and perfect for warm summer days. She asked for summer dresses and these are ones I found after wasting a lot of time returning stuff from Old Navy, Gap, etc. if it doesn’t work for your lifestyle, don’t buy it. I’ve always appreciated reading about some brand that’s not as obvious here so I thought I’d offer it as an option.
The original Scarlett
PS – when I went to Meg’s wedding, I wore Self Portrait ;)
PolyD
Those are beautiful. Too much $$$ for me, but I could see how some of them (particularly the short sleeve ones) could work for a summer day in the city. I don’t do parks-kids-errands either, though.
Is it Friday yet?
I think I may be impulse buying a thing or two from the Tucker NYC sale section, because the dresses look perfect for my weekends, so thanks Scarlett. :)
Anon
Ha, I think some of the Tucker NYC dresses look like day dresses. Would not wear them to a wedding.
CountC
Oh, those are lovely. I would absolutely wear these on weekends with chucks.
Airplane
Yes. I wear them walking around the city, on rooftop bars, out to dinner, at my friend’s casual backyard BBQ. If I shop Target, I also do it online, I don’t regularly spend my weekends at big box stores.
The original Scarlett
This
Anon
I’m not the person you’re asking but I wear silk like others wear polyester. I wash it, I spot treat it, all the usual. I don’t throw it in the dryer.
It’s a natural fiber that breathes so it’s a great thing to wear when running around.
Anon
I’m a suburban mom and my weekends actually do consist of Target runs and kid-wrangling and I would still wear the Tucker dresses for getting together with friends or going out to eat (my weekends usually involve a lot of outfit changes – I’m in athleisure while running errands with the kids and change into something nice to go out to eat, even as a family). Are we looking at the same dresses? They’re way to casual for all but the most casual weddings, imo. I got married during the day in a resort area and people wore things like this, which was fine, but I can’t imagine wearing a dress like this to an evening wedding in NYC, let alone a Royal Wedding.
Anon
Right, there’s no way any of Megan Markle’s wedding guests were wearing anything that casual.
Anonymous
You do know the royals don’t have evening weddings right?
Anon
The ceremonies are the in the daytime but the receptions are in the evening, and the dress code even for the ceremony is way more formal than what you would wear to a typical American brunch wedding. I didn’t see any of Meghan’s guests dressed this casually.
Anonymous
Check out Karina Dresses. The “Ruby” dress and the “Joan” dress are both faux wraps that have more coverage up top. Added bonus: they’re machine washable and don’t wrinkle. They’re good about inclusive sizing, too. I love them.
anon a mouse
Boden has tons of possibilities for you:
Bea Linen Dress
Imogen jersey dress (they call this a voop neckline – kind of a rounded vee)
Melinda dress (also a voop)
Penelope jersey dress
Tarifa dress
Check the garment measurements against something you own and like.
Anon
If you’re experiencing cleavage in a dress others find modest (lands end example above) you may need to size up. You might also try the smallest plus size as they tend to offer more room in the bust.
Anon
I don’t think this work. If the problem is that the neck line is too low, going up a size just makes the neck line even lower and the dress be too big everywhere else (hits, arm holes, etc)
Anon
Yeah but I get the feeling that she’s actually wearing too small of a size and squishing the boobs up, creating a cleavage effect.
Anon
How can a cotton dress squish up the boobs? I don’t see anything in the post to suggest that. I think she just has a large (maybe high?) chest
PolyD
Petites might address this problem (I think Talbots has petite plus?) because the proportions are different. She may need dresses with a shorter shoulder top to waist difference.
I am small but busty, but my hips are getting better, meaning I need to fit them, but then the top half of the dress is too “long” – if I could shorten up the bodice, the dress would sit much better, and less bosom would show.
Anonymous
I am currently wearing the Annie from MM Lafleur in size 14, and it’s not casual but otherwise fits that bill exactly! It might be more casual if you got it in a print?
DressedforSuccess
Perhaps title nine
I tend to have similar issues with v-necks (breasts are high-set on my chest so almost everything shows clevelage) and have had some good luck non-crew neck dresses with a fitted waist. Current highlights I might recommend include:
Crusher tank dress- fabric is soooo light, and looks super flattering on!
Dream Dress- I have the long sleeve version and love it! The neck isn’t super high, though it isn’t a v.
thehungryaccountant
+1 I adore title nine for busy weekends.
Anon
If you haven’t considered it already:
Boat necks or high scoop necks might work for you. High v necks are IMO (high and substantial bust here) more difficult to find
Housecounsel
Try Bravissimo.
Nudibranch
I second this suggestion.
Anon
I don’t really have a skincare regimen but definitely need one. Is there a store or someplace i can go to help me get started. I prefer products that are more natural but at this point just need to start somewhere
blueberries
I like Whole Foods for this because they exclude from sale a lot of products with the more questionable ingredients. No real store staff help, but they have testers so you can try a bunch of products at your own pace.
NYC Girl
Detox Market is my go-to for natural beauty. Caroline Hirons (blog) also has great general skincare advise.
Carrots
I’ve found that the sales people at Sephora are helpful when you know what you need to address, but not exactly how. I also haven’t found them to be pushy about purchasing the products. Sephora’s also been making a push to be mindful of what’s in their products. I haven’t been in an Ulta in a while, but when I used to use Ulta instead, I found them helpful as well.
Ribena
I have switched to buying most of my skincare from The Body Shop because of the ‘questionable ingredients’ thing. They have staff in store who can help if you want them to but who are generally also perfectly happy to let you browse.
anon
A dermatologist is a great place to start; they can give you specific recommendations for your skin type, as well as prescriptions if you need any. You can also visit r/skincareaddiction for product recommendations and recommended routines.
BabyAssociate
+1 otherwise I really like some of the info from Sokoglam and The Ordinary also has some reasonable regimens. But start at the dermatologist.
Anon
Depending on what city you’re on, Credo Beauty is a great store with lots of natural skincare options, and I’ve always found the employees to be very helpful! It’s in a lot of major cities now. Follain is a similar concept store, but in a smaller set of cities (I think only NYC and Boston). Their online shipping is also very easy.
The original Scarlett
Why you think you need one will help you – if you’re breaking out, then a derm. If. It, you may be fine – I personally think it’s a lot of hype to sell a new category of products. I am very lucky to have clear skin, so I just wash it in the morning and at night if I remember. No fancy stuff needed.
Anon
You can start with Sephora or Origins, but you may end up elsewhere once you get deeper into this skincare stuff and start to know your preferences. Know what type of skin you have (oily, dry, combo) and what your problem areas are (acne, wrinkles, dark spot, etc). The basic for me is cleanser, hydration, anti-wrinkle, anti-dark spot, and suncare. I’m always trying out new products but they should target the above concerns for me.
Anon100
Love this blazer color!
I’ve got a light-hearted question for DMV area dwellers – now that 94.7 and 107.3 FM are gone, what radio pop music/pop culture morning shows are left, aside from 99.5?
Anonymous
Where did they go? What happened? I just noticed this weekend that one of them is now religious radio? Alternatives please – just want basic top 40 type stuff mixed in with songs from the last decade.
Anonymous
107.3 is gone as of last Friday. Not sure about morning shows besides 101.1. 94.7 and 97.1 play more pop-y music still.
Anonymous
Oh, that explains it! I pushed the pre-set button on my radio and it was Christian music, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I would have selected a religious station as one of my pre-sets… I assumed I accidentally reset the button, not that the radio station itself had changed!
anon0321
Ha same happened to me!
Inspired by Hermione
This happened to my favorite radio station from my hometown when I went home last time. The station I’d been listening to for probably ten years was suddenly very religious talk radio. I just want my TSwift, thanks.
Flats Only
94.7 just introduced a second morning DJ who came over from 107.3, so now they’re starting to have more DJ banter in the morning instead music. I haven’t tuned in for a while, but 97.1 also used to have a very chatty morning crew. Honestly I prefer to listen to music instead of endless chatter and first person accounts of what mattress and pillows they’ve all bought (so much of this now for some reason), so I usually listed to 100.3 starting at 8:30 AM for 100 minutes of classic rock.
PolyD
I have no advice, but am pleased to know it’s not me – radio is terrible here.
I kind of like 100.2, which plays what I call old burn-out rock, because it was stuff popular in the late 1970s-early 1980s when I was a young teen and the people who listened to it seemed so much older and dangerous – they wore concert tee shirts and ripped bell bottom jeans and smoked cigarettes (I was pretty sheltered)! So I am, in my 50s, discovering music by bands like Kansas. Pink Floyd. Aerosmith.
I said I was sheltered.
Anonymous
PolyD, you and I are on the same wavelength. Also in my 50s and was raised on Top 40 but now branching out to all the music I was kind of suspicious back in the 70s/80s. Love a good “Don’t Fear the Reaper” now! And Aerosmith – – don’t get me started!
PolyD
Menopausal Head Bangers, represent!!
Anonymous
WINC FM 102.3 has been helping me through this phase.
Anon
Speaking of DMV radio stations, is there a good 60s/70s/80s/90s station? I get tired of the same T40 songs over and over and appreciate hearing something I haven’t heard in ages.
Flats Only
94.7
Alanna of Trebond
100.3, at least when I lived there.
Casper
99.5 I think they have the Kane show in the morning
Anon100
Thanks all!
I caught the last tidbit of 107.3 Jack Diamond morning show last Friday evening so I knew it was going to be changed over to Christian music, piped over some satellite feed from out west or something.
I like listening to pop music/pop culture shows on my morning commute, and it seems like each year the good ones keep disappearing or are syndicated from somewhere else in the country.
Anon
Pride month ideas for a professional service firm? I’m an associate at a law firm and one of my fellow associates is out, another is gay but not out. The out associate wants to ask every law clerk and associate to take a group photo wearing stickers and holding pride flags that he will post on his social media and maybe the firm’s as well. He asked me to run it by the firm managing partner (I work with him regularly). I want to be supportive but I don’t want this associate to write the post, and I also don’t like the door to door idea. The firm currently does nothing for pride month (or women’s day, or any other minority related topic). Most of the photos on the firm website are professional, as we hire a photographer every couple weeks for various things. I think a quick snapshot of young attorneys with lots of hashtags will look out of place, and for something this important, I want it to look like the firm supports it. I’ve googled law firm social media and haven’t found photos of people – just posts or blogs or bio mentions. Any ideas for presenting this and/or other suggestions?
Ribena
My company gives people branded stuff to wear to Pride if they choose (and I think for some people having a group to march with can be really reassuring), and then a couple of photos from that are what are shared on the LinkedIn/ internal homepage/ etc.
Anon
How do you know the one associate is gay if they’re not out? They’ve told just you? That’s fine. But I would caution against assuming someone is gay unless that’s the case.
Anonymous
I’m assuming she means they are out to her or other fellow associates/friends but not to the partners/assistants/firm in general.
OP
I’m assuming she means they are out to her or other fellow associates/friends but not to the partners/assistants/firm in general.
Veronica Mars
This should be opt-in and totally optional. Many associates may not want to be on someone else’s social media making a political statement that they may or may not agree with, or may or not be comfortable making publicly. Especially if there is an employee that is known to be closeted, forcing him to make a public statement is downright dangerous. The firm can have a stance, but don’t force individual employees to compromise their safety. A public message about the firm’s stance on the firm’s pages is fine. Perhaps a donation to an appropriate charity would also be a nice touch, or sponsoring an optional lunch or happy hour for celebrating Pride Month to make employees feel included.
Anonymous
That particular idea is terrible. I’m an associate that wouldn’t want to participate because my faith simply doesn’t support that and I 100% believe in my faith. Yet being in a very liberal big city, it would then become a peer pressure thing — if I don’t take the pics, I’m an awful bigot (which people here will say), if I do take them, depending on how they’re tagged, my family/friends see them and then I have to justify that I don’t support the cause but need my work life to not get worse. Ultimately I wouldn’t participate but would also be annoyed that this became a thing in the workplace because 1 guy needs to share his personal life choices.
Anonymous
Gross.
Never too many shoes...
You’re not a bigot for not taking the picture. You’re a bigot if you really cannot find it in yourself to accept that people are different to you and that everyone deserves to live and love as they see fit without your judgment.
The fact that you say the that OP’s associate is sharing “his personal life choices”, as though being gay is akin to being vegan, just underscores the above.
I
Anonymous
Yup. I agree that the idea is bad. But we all share our personal life “choices”.
Anon
The OP said nothing about judging, lack of love, etc. That’s your own narrow-minded projection.
Inspired by Hermione
I think when you call orientation a “personal life choice” it’s pretty d**n clear you’re being judgmental of LGBTQ people. Don’t be obtuse.
anon
You don’t have to explicitly spell out that you are judging and lack love for someone to read your words and understand that you are judging and lack love. This is common sense.
anon
If you are putting LGBTQ people into boxes based on their “life choice” and saying that your faith “simply does not support that”…that’s judging and lacking love.
Anon
She said her faith “doesn’t support it” which is such a bs cop out for bigotry.
LaurenB
It *should* become a peer pressure thing. What on earth is so “controversial” about being gay? Do you really not get that it has no more intrinsic meaning than being left-handed, and your religion really should get with the times?
Irish Midori
You might need to talk to people who disagree with you more often. This is a big echo-chamber issue where both sides forget that thinking, feeling people disagree with them, or at least are highly conflicted.
Anonymous
Highly conflicted about the fact that gay people exist and deserve to live their lives as full citizens of the country? Glad to see proof Notre Dame is still just Catholic finishing school.
Anon
People of faith also exist and deserve to live their lives as full citizens of this country.
Eye roll
White supremacists also exist, that doesn’t mean we have to go around respecting their opinions.
Anonymous
And they clearly can, and are, and face no legal restrictions for doing so.
Anon
Sure, people of faith also exist and deserve to live their lives as full citizens, but not at the expense of others!
A) many, many religions have no issue with LGBT existance and rights. This isn’t a zero sum issue. The question isn’t religion or being an ally. You can very very easily be both!
B) your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins. You are able to have whatever thoughts you want, but you can’t force those opinions on other people. Your religion is not more important than someone’s sexual orientation.
Anonymous
I never said my religion is more important than someone else’s life choices. If I don’t agree with your choices due to faith or anything else — whether that choice is marrying a same sex partner or eating dog meat — that’s fine, you can still do those things because who am I. But why am I FORCED to them support your choices? Why can’t I just stay away from you? Why MUST I participate in a picture or whatever, when I wasn’t the one bringing up my lack of support in the first place? I’m not even saying that the firm can’t/shouldn’t support them — just that individuals should not be pressured into supporting. Make it a voluntary — come to x conference room to take this picture kind of thing. Whoever wants to, does so; whoever doesn’t just doesn’t show.
Anonymous
Have people spent anytime in middle America — off the coasts, smaller towns? What is being said here is VERY common in places that aren’t big cities. Sure people are more okay with LGBT, polling suggests that but IRL a lot of those people are begrudgingly okay — as in, people can do what they want, who am I to say otherwise, everyone deserves happiness etc. But that doesn’t mean that these people truly in their heart of hearts support it — they may be okay with it but not okay enough to openly support pride etc.
Anon
“Catholic finishing school” made me LOL.
Irish Midori
Not that it matters, but I’m not Catholic. For those keeping score at home.
Anon
Yeah, no, bigots don’t get to pretend to be oppressed.
Anon
“Your religion is not more important than someone’s sexual orientation.”
It is the most important thing in my life. Christ didn’t get tortured to death so that something else could rank equal to or higher than God.
Anon for this
Your religion is not more important than someone’s human and civil rights. Religion is a choice, someone’s orientation isn’t.
Anonymous
Lordy — I can see how this might endanger a person, who may be uncomfortable for a 100% reasonable reason. If you don’t feel comfortable with something, anything, why would you force a person to do something? How many sincere converts do you get to anything by force?
Anon
You’re the problem, not a gay man who wants to find a way for his law firm to celebrate pride.
Anonymous
Why does one’s personal life — no matter what it is — need to be celebrated at work? Do we celebrate straight people or single by choice or childfree by choice or whatever else? Come on. He’s going over the top in a way that a lot of gay people do because they must be in your face about their life and you MUST support it.
Anon
It needs to be celebrated because there is actually proof to support the idea that people who can be authentic in their workplace do better work, are more productive, provide better customer service to clients. We don’t celebrate straight people because they are already widely accepted everywhere. There is not the same vulnerability about being yourself when you’re a straight person versus a gay person.
Anonymous
Yes literally all the time we do.
Anon
Oh you are so gross I’m done responding to you.
anon
“He’s going over the top in a way that a lot of gay people do because they must be in your face about their life and you MUST support it.”
Gross. And hypocritical. Sure, I’ve *never* seen *~*~person of faith~*~* as you so gently put it get in anyone’s face and demand that their religious beliefs be imposed on anyone else. Moreover, what does the word proselytizing mean to you?
Anon
Very interested to hear how to reconcile other things between your faith and living in a liberal area… I cannot imagine that this is the only topic where there is conflict.
Coming from a very progressive Christian denomination (Episcopalian, where we’ve had an openly gay bishop since 2003) the fact that for others social justice and religion are incompatible is very surprising (but also so is a religion that condemns healthy loving relationships so…)
Anonymous
It isn’t easy, but this is the main area where you hear conflict with faith. On the NYC-DC corridor, it has gotten old being in an area where faith seemingly is unimportant to most young liberal professionals. If you don’t practice, that’s fine; but it gets old to hear people knocking faith — i.e. only dumb people believe; all religious institutions need to be shut down etc.
I’m a minority religion in the US so there isn’t anywhere I can go and live where there will be lots like me, but at times I do consider moving to a big southern city — more faiths, more emphasis on faith etc. even if it isn’t mine.
PolyD
Saying that maybe you think God’s love extends to non-straight people isn’t “knocking faith.”
Anonymous
Come on — you know young NYC/DC liberals knock faith ON EVERY issue at every turn of the step, not just this one. They’ll legit say offensive things about prayer, God’s will etc. — i.e. those things don’t matter/aren’t real.
anon
On the flip side… I’ve only lived in liberal cities and tell literally no one I am an atheist because the few times I did in my younger years, so called ‘religious Christians’ of various stripes were absolutely awful to me.
Anon
I truly have no issues with people being religious*, but do you never independently examine your beliefs? Do you truly believe everything your religion does just because it’s your religion? I highly, highly recommend taking a step back and examining what do you believe bc you actually believe it and what do you believe because you believe it?
I know I’m lucky to be Episcopalian, as several finer points of religion are up for your interpretation. We’ve been supporting the LGBT community for years, which is something I’m proud of. But, I also love that both dogma and social issues (pre marital sex, abortion, etc) allow you to have your own interpretation. There’s probably nothing in my religion that I haven’t thought about, questioned, and developed my opinion on.
*caveat being that obviously I don’t support religious beliefs that are harmful such as subjugating women, being anti lgbt, being anti anyone who isn’t your religion, promoting a culture of abuse, etc etc
OP
Thank you for the responses so far – I am also uncomfortable with the idea, but am trying to come up with an alternative. I like making it optional (maybe emailing people to come to Place at Time instead of going door to door), and pairing it with a donation of some kind – any other ideas that would include a photo? Our marketing coordinator is on vacation for the next week, so I’d normally run it by her. I’ve thought about saying let’s wait till she gets back because it is Pride Month, not Week (even though our city mostly celebrates this week).
Anonymous
Our firm usually hosts a CLE relevant in some way to pride.
Anonymous
love this idea!
anon
I also really like this idea. When I worked for the govt we had a speaker discuss the fed govt history of discrimination in employing LGBTQ folks (up until surprisingly recently, it was eye opening) — I think in relation to a movie on the same topic.
Anonymous
We do a speaker series and it’s great. Senior partners do a Q&A about the individual’s career and high profile work. The firm often invites CEOs/GCs from high profile clients that fits the relevant month (i.e., a woman for women’s history month, etc.). We get a huge turnout and I personally love learning about other people’s careers.
BabyAssociate
+1 to this. If you happen to be in the Atlanta area, reach out to the Stonewall Bar Association.
Inspired by Hermione
Firms in our area regularly sponsor the local LGBTQ specialty bar banquet.
Flats Only
I like these ideas about CLEs, sponsoring events etc. To be honest, the “rah rah” photo sounded like something this person wanted so they could signal their own virtue (“look what I got my firm to do!”) on their own social media and not a thoughtful way for the firm to honor the spirit of the month.
Irish Midori
Yeah, I don’t think an employer has any place pushing individual employees to rah rah for this, or any, specific cause. If the firm leadership is united on this, the firm can make a donation to a cause. But don’t drag in individuals and put them on the spot. (FWIW I would say this about any _____ Month observance, but this one is particularly political and thorny.)
Anonymous
Omg no it isn’t.
Anon
It’s 2019… I’d hope and pray that Pride Month and associated LGBT issues aren’t “particularly political and thorny”. Even the very catholic and very republican people in my family and city have no issue with gay marriage, adoption, rights, etc. Trust me, if my central PA bible thumping, trump loving relatives can come around on this topic, anyone can.
There are plenty of issues out there that are particularly political and thorny, but this isn’t (and should not be) one of them
Anon
Wow, you sound so respectful of your relatives. I really want to earn your respect, too!!!11!
Anon
I literally said nothing disrespectful about my relatives. They love their religion and they love trump. Some of them live in central PA, others live in Philly. Those are literally factual statements.
I was pointing out that those are traditionally groups that have not been in support of LGBT rights, but yet my family members (while certainly not allies, they have a long way to go in terms of being LGBT supporters) are no longer opposed to LGBT rights.
I said if that if even they can come around on this topic, anyone can not because I think they’re backwards or bigots or rednecks or anything like that. They’re my family and I love them and I respect them, even if we dont agree politically/religiously (if anything, some of my extended family is not respectful of my beliefs). But rather that people who very catholic, very republican, and in an area that does not have a reputation of being progressive have changed their views on that, just about any demographic can change its views.
Anon
“Bible thumping” is incredibly pejorative.
Anon
Awww, you poor oppressed Christians :(
emeralds
I just had a phone call with my Baptist pastor uncle and he used the phrase “Bible thumper” to throw shade on his less-enlightened brethren, so, yeahhh. Go do what Jesus would have wanted, and find some real oppression to get worked up about.
Friend
Is there a Bar Association Pride Group that the firm can support? Or Lawyers for LGBTQ+ or something like that? I am NOT a lawyer or in the legal world, just spit-balling here.
Maybe Human Rights Watch?
Anon
I googled “law firms” and pride month. The first hit, a Quarles & Brady article, is rather nice.
The second hit, from Find Law, has suggestions on lunch and learns about landmark Supreme Court cases, CLEs on issues specific to the gay community, and reviewing firm policies on equality.
Anon
It always amuses me when people say they are very religious and yet support gay rights. That’s great you support gay rights, but in most cases, you’re ignoring your religion’s teachings in order to do so. Why do you consider yourself religious (within a particular church/practice) if you must distance yourself from the teachings on this and so many other issues (I’m assuming you don’t support women being stoned to death, etc.)? Why not just be “spiritual”?
Anon
My faith teaches me to render unto God what is God’s, and render unto Career what is Caesar’s. I do not think my church should be forced to sanction gay marriage, and I also think that “marriage” has a different meaning to the government than it does to my church.
My faith teaches me to love the sinner (including myself) and hate the sin. It teaches me to focus on my own shortcomings and sins, and not to get up in arms about the crosses other people bear that I do not have.
And I am NOT turning my back on the one who suffered on a cross and died for me because the fashionable people in 2019 turn their noses up at iit. That is the biggest sin of all.
Anon
Caesar, not career.
Anonymous
My religion is in favor of love, including for gay people. I’m Episcopalian. It’s not hard.
Anon
I mean the majority of religions were formed by people who disagreed with something a religion was doing so they tried to reform it and when that didn’t work, they started a new one.
Religion like most things doesn’t have to be all or nothing. That’d be like saying how can you be a registered Democrat when you disagree with x, y or z issue, why not just say you’re liberal?
Anon
Serious question for Christians, what do you do about the heinously offensive portions of the Bible (“Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the cruel”). Do you just ignore them? Do you seek alternative interpretations? I’m really curious how you handle it since I truly don’t see how you can just pick and choose what to support and still be a part of the organized church.
Anonymous
I go by the gospels, keeping in mind that they were written after the fact by people who didn’t actually witness the events depicted. The other books just provide historical and cultural context for the gospels.
Anon
If you don’t understand the purpose of that passage or how deeply radical Christian equality was for 2,000 years ago, I am not wasting my precious time educating you.
Anonymous
Read a book. Taking some of the Bible literally and not the rest of it is the foundation of Christianity.
Anonymous
“you’re ignoring your religion’s teachings in order to do so”
Nope. My LGBTQIA+ views are fully supported by my church. Including summer camps for LGBTQ+ youth and allied youth, and in church marriage. My local parish has been around since the 1860s. https://www.united-church.ca/community-faith/being-community/gender-and-orientation#believe
Just because your church has not come to a full understanding of God’s light and love, does not mean that other churches are still wandering lost and looking for the light of God’s love.
Anon
Actually, I’m an atheist. That’s great your church is so inclusive, but none of that is backed up in the Bible (and much of it is directly refuted/forbidden). Where is your church deriving these teachings?
Anonymous
United Church of Canada is one of the major Protestant denominations in Canada – about 2 million Canadians identify as United.
“One of the tools brought to us by our Methodist forebears in our foundation is John Wesley’s quadrilateral for decision-making: scripture, tradition, experience, and reason. The Bible—both testaments—is the source of God’s truth. But tradition, experience, and reason help us interpret scripture and reveal the truth.” (Further reading – https://www.united-church.ca/sites/default/files/resources/full-inclusion.pdf )
Also, the Anglican Church of Canada (Episcoplians) permit LGBT individuals to be ministers, and the sacrament of marriage will be available to same-sex partners in some churches (individual churches decide if they will offer it), starting next year.
cbackson
“None of that is supported by the Bible” is what fundamentalists say. Progressive Christians generally take a more sophisticated, non-literal view of Biblical interpretation.
Anon
Most Christians don’t take that literal view of the Bible. Most also recognize that the Bible while Gods word is mans interpretation
cbackson
My church fully affirms the gay community.
As to the other difficult passages of the Bible, the answer varies and depends a great deal on whether they’re in the OT or the NT, but many progressive Christians view the Bible as divinely inspired, not divinely dictated and thus believe that it reflects both God’s direction and human prejudices (thus requiring careful analysis with an understanding of history).
The denomination I was raised in expressed this by saying “everything necessary to your salvation is in the Bible, but not everything in the Bible is necessary to your salvation.”
Anonymous
That last sentence from your church is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Meeting people
I’ve moved to a new city two years ago and I’m not meeting people to date. I’m in my late forties if that matters. I’d like to try a dating app but I have a very distinctive last name and I’m worried about privacy. I also have a high level job. Any advice? Other suggestions for meeting people to date.
Anonymous
Join a dating app. Most dontdisplay your last name. Everyone uses them. There is nothing wrong with a colleague noticing that a single person is dating
Inspired by Hermione
Pete Buttigieg Met Chasten on a dating app when he was mayor. He went outside his normal area (I think he went on dates when he was visiting friends in Chicago), but he was also gay and had just (or it was just before?) he came out.
Anon
I don’t know of any dating aps that display your last night, and you can even use a fake first name if it is distinctive. But most importantly, everyone is using dating aps now. If you want to date, that is basically your only choice.
Monday
I have a job that brings me into contact with hundreds of men with criminal records, around my age, every year. I was very concerned about this when I wanted to start dating.
Your last name will not be displayed, and many apps don’t even ask for it. You are also free to use a fake first name, which I do. Finally, most apps have a paid version that allows you to control who can see your info. Look into this if it will ease your mind, it did for me! For example, Ok Cupid has “incognito mode” for purchase, and in this mode nobody can see you at all unless you’ve liked them first.
Anonymous
Thank you, this is reassuring. I’ve never used a dating app and I did not realize that your last name isn’t displayed or that you can use a fake name. If you use a fake name and end up meeting up with someone, do you just let them know what your real name is once you establish trust? Has this been weird? I’m a newbie here because I was married for a long time and only recently became single.
Monday
Usually when I’m either planning to meet up with someone or we switch over to texting, I tell them my real name at that point and I explain why I use a fake one. No one has ever voiced any discomfort with this. I guess it’s more “weird” than using my real name, but for me the cover factor is worth it.
Janet
I, and I think most, used a pseudonym similar to an Anne Landers sign off. (I think mine was ‘PrettyinPink’; it was definitely a movie reference.) I then signed messages, which are sent through the app, with my real first name ‘Janet’. Last names were exchanged at some point during dates 1-3, or not at all if you’re not hitting it off. I’m 36 and met my husband at a party, but even in those conditions I didn’t learn his last name until our 2nd date. We were both signed up for online sites at the time, but got lucky and met by chance. I think it’s actually more surprising when a single person is not online than when they are.
Anon
I have used half a dozen different apps in the last year, and think using a pseudonym would be weird. Everyone I see on the apps has a “real” name listed, regardless of whether it is their real name.
Janet
I defer to your (more recent) experience.
anon
I’m in the same boat as you but a very small city. I tried using a fake first name and did find it awkward. I upgraded on Match and now use my real name and details but choose who sees me. I think trying to protect your privacy makes online dating more difficult tbh, but I don’t see any way around using the apps.
Anonymous
Go old school! It’s Just Lunch – Successful Singles – New York Review of Books Classifieds
Anon
I love those NYRB personals! I’m about 3-4 decades too young for that demographic, but highly support people using those!
The original Scarlett
To stay anonymous use a different photo than anything you have posted elsewhere. I found a lot of people online using a reserve image search because many people use their work photo as their dating photo.
Anonymous
Good idea. Question on how this works, if anyone knows.
If I use another photo from the same work headshot session, it wouldn’t get recognized (i.e., the one that was a good picture, but I needed to look more intense)?
Anon
I don’t know the technicals, but wouldn’t use a work headshot. You want fun, natural pictures where you look approachable and some where you are doing stuff. The standard professional headshot is not that.
Puppy Blues
Update post. I wrote a few times a couple months ago about having a working line GSD with high drive and a chronic illness that was just too much too handle. A few of you said try harder but most of you gave me tough love and said give her up. After a lot of thinking we contacted two breed rescues. One blew us off and the other said it would take months to rehome her. The breeder was no help. We decided to move forward with a new trainer while we waited for the rescue to get back to us. I am happy to report that after a couple of months with the new trainer that understood the breed, we have a completely different dog and she is staying with us. He gave us some new techniques and also recommended increasing her exercise, which we’ve since doubled. This combined with getting her illness and meds straightened out and maturity, and she is now and adding to our life instead of detracting from it. It’s still hard and I’m still tired, but it is manageable. We hit a milestone yesterday when the dog walker who has been coming for a month to just let her out to pee said they went for a real walk and she did great. Thank you all for your advice and for the kick in the pants I needed.
NOLA
That’s wonderful news! Thanks for updating!
Abby
I am so happy for you!! Good for you for sticking with her and giving her a loving and safe home!
Cookbooks
This is great to hear! I hope things continue to improve :) GSDs can be a handful, but they’re also wonderful.
emeralds
YES! I’m so glad to hear that! I’ve definitely thought about you and your pup a few times since you posted.
FWIW, our formerly-difficult GSD continues to improve. She turned three recently and is truly unrecognizable from the wreck we brought home. Sometimes I feel like my fiance and I are her still worst critics, because every time we go anywhere she gets complimented for her lovely manners and how calm she is. She was more work than every other dog I’ve ever had combined (including another high-drive working breed), and I still don’t think I’d ever get another GSD, but she was worth it. So keep hanging in there…it will keep getting better as long as you stick it out with training and exercise!
Mrs. Jones
Aww good for you and doggie.
AnonInfinity
I was a person who advocated for rehoming the dog and am so delighted to hear this update! It sounds like she’s doing well and is a great new family member. Good for you and your husband for finding a way to give her what she needs.
Inspired by Hermione
This makes me so, so, so happy. Sounds like a tough few months but, really, I’m just so thrilled.
Yay!
I have a hunting line dog and our first year was absolutely miserable, but after much training + daycare + tons of exercise + maturity from age, she’s thriving and we could not imagine life without her.
Anonymous
Who follows an anti-inflammatory diet? What foods/recipes do you eat often — what’s the best cookbook or Instagram to look through? Just getting started on research…
Anon
I spoke with a nutritionist about realistic anti-inflammatory diet. You can follow a strict FODMAP diet which, to me, is miserable, or supplement the most impactful easy to get anti-inflammatory foods and avoid super inflammatory foods. For me and my nutritionist this means: servings of blue berry, berries in general, dark red and purple foods, turmeric, and probiotics and avoiding caffeine, alcohol, high sugar and high fat. It’s easier.
Anon
I have some sort of auto immune thing going on (long story) so I try, imperfectly, to avoid refined grains, all wheat, sugar, and sugary veg like corn and peas. I am, again, imperfect on this but it does make me feel better when I eat this way. I’m sort of loath to give up wine but I think it would probably be another step if things get worse.
I jump started this on whole 30 at the advice of my doctor. I found recipes from nom nom paleo to work with whole 30 and many of them are really delicious. There’s some good stuff in the whole 30 cookbook too.
I try to eat nuts, berries, and dried apricots for snacks. No sodas or sugar added drinks.
Ribena
Twice today I’ve had to close the door of the meeting room I sit next to, either because the people inside were talking and laughing really loudly or because they had sensitive information up on the screen. Super distracting – but we no longer have anything between desks to block eye lines or absorb sound.
Anonymous
You need to chill and stop being the office school marm.
Ribena
I also need to get work done and not see confidential information on hiring processes. I probably do need to chill, though, you’re right….
Anonymous
Yup you do. Not your job to police them.
SSJD
It makes me crazy when people in the conference room don’t close the door. Do they not realize that they are loud and disturbing lots of other people (who don’t have doors to close). I feel your pain.
Go for it
+1000
Sorry, done it
It gets hot in there, ok?!
Anon
I’m sorry that you have to sit so close to the conference room because I know the noise can be distracting, but it’s really not the job of people in a meeting to have to whisper. And if they don’t care if you see confidential information, you probably don’t need to care either.
no
Vicarious shopping – I need a new car and can afford something on the more “fun” side over practical, but really I know nothing about cars. I’m 35, no kids, 1 dog and I need a car. I’m in the south, so snow isn’t a real concern and I work from home. What would your dream car be?
Go for it
Convertible Mini Cooper!
Anonymous
Ugh. A toy car?
The original Scarlett
Ugh for yourself! I drive a regular mini and it’s the best car ever. It’s a BMW engine in a small body – you can park anywhere. I second the suggestion.
Go for it
+1000
Is it Friday yet?
I also love love love my MINI – I’m on my second one. Get a JCW model if you want something really fun! As a thought though, if your dog is large and you drive with it a lot, you might want to go hardtop because they’re more canine-friendly (you can fold down the seats and put them in the trunk comfortably).
My other thoughts for fun car would be a BMW M2 (or M3 for larger dog) or a Porsche 911.
Ribena
They’re like go-karts to drive, I love them! The driving position can be slightly different between models, I prefer the standard hatchback to the Countryman.
You can also now get plug in hybrid versions, so if you’re thinking about going electric…
Anonome
I had an R56 and LOVED her. So responsive and fun to drive, I grinned like an idiot every time I slid into the seat. An effing eight-point buck did her in.
Anonome
Your toys have 228 horsepower?
+1
Right?! My Mini is the most fun car. The handling is awesome and I can park it anywhere.
My dream car is the Alfa Romeo SUV because of the handling–drivers like a Mini and has the best handling of peer SUVs.
Anon sis
My sister was in a car wreck in her regular (hard top) Cooper. Cars behind her literally ended up on her roof. She’s has an internal decapitation. Beating all odds by being alive, breathing generally on her own and will be in long term rehab to see how much paralysis persists.
YMMV I pray.
Anon
Fatal or near-fatal car wrecks can happen in any car.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry to hear this. Praying for her recovery.
anon
thank you so much … seems like they’ve been working as so much was thought to be impossible and she’s making progress, very small though
Anonymous
Porsche, Jag, Maserati.
anon.
SUBARU CROSSTREK! I realize this isn’t some crazy dream car, but I really like this car. I am also in the south, have two huge dogs, and 1 kid. I ended up with the CRV because of the reviews about its comfort/ city driving, and the Crosstrek was brand new when I was looking so there wasn’t much to go on. But I testdrove it and really really liked it and sometimes wish I’d just gotten that car. I guess it depends on if you want a true “back” for the dog or if you’re ok having him/her on the back seat! anyway, look at it if it interests you.
SW
Crosstreks and Foresters are both awesome. I almost bought a Forester a few months ago and talked myself out of it at the last minute. It was SUCH a nice car.
Inspired by Hermione
My family bought a Subaru Forester in 2001 and it lasted until 2016. Would have lasted longer but for an unfortunate accident (during which it did exactly what it should have and therefore I did not rollover and was not injured beyond some mental scars about what happened/what could have happened). HIGHLY recommend Subarus.
AnonInfinity
+100000
I just bought one earlier this year, and it’s my favorite car I’ve ever owned. I love it so much.
Inspired by Hermione
I wanted this car so, so much when I bought a few years ago but the sight line just did not work for me and I couldn’t get it right. I got an Impreza Hatchback instead, which is a GREAT CAR.
MJ
Impreza hatchback is my fave zipcar to rent. I love it. Always was a (full-size) SUV gal, but seriously, great zippy little car that fits very tall people well!
Anon
Volvo convertible.
anon
A Porsche 911.
And for what it’s worth:
Things to think about if you know nothing about cars. This list may provide you some ideas to put into google and from there you can read endless articles on the various species of cars out there. Identify your needs and priorities because no car is going to be fun if it doesn’t fit your lifestyle.
-Do you need trunk space? A hatch style may be preferable if you have a larger dog or haul things for hobbies, for the house, for life. Examples include: Subaru, Toyota Prius (yes, ugly and hybrid but cargo space galore), any of the cross over SUVs, believe it or not a corvette has amazing trunk space, but I would not put a dog back there. Also Teslas (3 and X I believe) have copious trunk space.
– Do you care about lifetime maintenance costs? If so Honda, Toyota, or their high end Lexus and Infinity cars and SUVs typically have excellent track records for low maintenance and long life.
– Do you care about gas mileage? Hybrids, sedans, Teslas. Sedans. Their smallest models typically have amazing gas mileage but less space, comfort features, and more road noise (I hate road noise).
– If you’re into handling and sporty looks: BMW (they broke up their classic three series line, which to me is a shame, but as a single woman, if I was in the market for a fun sporty car i had a hope of being able to afford the keep up on, I’d go to BMW..and if I could afford some track racing I’d go for the M). Audi A4? A Toyota Supra? A Subaru WRX? A Porsche?
– A luxury type larger sedan: A Genesis (collaboration car between…Hyundai and another maker)? BMW 5 series?
Good luck and tell us what you get! Don’t let the dealer get you down.
Anon
Freaking adore my Audi A4. It’s expensive (both in cost and relatively so on maintenance) but you said you have the budget… such a fun car!!!
Anonymous
+1 for an A4. Or even better, an A3. So cute. I love my A4, even as I dump money into repair bills (mine is 10 years old). I’m getting another one.
Anon
Another +1, but my preference is to ditch it when the major warranty runs out.
Jeffiner
I love, love, love my Tesla S. I have never cared about cars at all until this one.
Anonymous
+1 This would be my choice
blueberries
Tesla Model 3. So much fun!
You can use the app to run the a/c before you go out to the car, which would be super nice in the south. Also, all the environmental benefits of electric.
Anon
Love my Tesla 3.
Anon
This is what I would do in your shoes.
Colette
How “green” your electric car really is depends on how the grid that you are part of actually produces it energy.
I live in the midwest and the grid is significantly powered by coal. Driving a tesla here is actually significantly more polluting than driving an SUV because coal emissions are significantly worse than gas emissions.
Jane
+10000 it has totally converted me into a car person and is AWESOME!!
Anonymous
I’d buy two less expensive cars. A hardtop convertible and a smaller SUV. Maybe a Volkswagen Eos and Honda CRV. Both a few years used.
Anonymous
Audi s4
Small Firm IP Litigator
BMW 3 series coupe
Pale Girl Snorkeling
I would get either the new Jetta GTI that is all souped up as I have a Jetta now that I love. Or I would get a Golf, again one that has the full perfomance package. A regular Golf is on my to buy list for when my Jetta dies, which will probably be a few years. I love Mini Coopers but they just aren’t quite safe enough for me. I was in my last Jetta when it was T boned and totaled and all that happened is that I bumped my head because I swung around to look out the window. If I had lots of money, it would be an M series BMW. The performance Golf really is a great combo of fun and safe and if it weren’t for the new GTI Jetta it would be my top pick. The Jetta is a bit bigger and has a much bugger trunk than you would expect from a sedan of it’s size.
Gut check
Is it crazy to put a ton of cash in a house? Long story short is that housing is not cheap in my city (400k for a basic builder house). We are okay in our current home and could make it a little better for a small amount but ultimately the location/noise isn’t great. We have the opportunity to upgrade to a better and quieter location in the neighborhood but would essentially have to put in $250k cash to keep our mortgage payment the same which is important to me so that we have the freedom to take lower paying jobs at some point (we put a lot of cash into current home so mortgage is only 3k). HHI is $375 and we have the cash just sitting in a savings account (we are bad at getting around to doing anything it for a bunch of reasons, some good and some bad). Part of me thinks it’s fine if the money is there not doing anything anyway, but I also like the comfort of having the cash and I am nervous about having such an expensive house. I can’t talk about this with any friends in real life and need a gut check.
Veronica Mars
That’s what we did. As long as you’ll have a 6-8 month emergency fund once the money is paid, then you should be fine. My motto is, “If we want it, we have to pay cash for it.” You want it, you’re paying cash.
Anonymous
Will you still have 6-12 months of expenses left in cash after you buy the house?
OP
Yes, and then some.
Anonymous
Then you need to seriously get a handle on your finances because you’ve been throwing money away hoarding cash for no reason.
Anon
For many of us, we have no choice but to put down a significant six figure downpayment. That is just the situation if you live in an expensive city. Assuming that you keep enough back for your emergency fund, I just don’t understand your concern.
OP
Well I think my post made it sound like it was a 250k down payment. I meant we would put 250k more in and we already have 150k in it. So it’s a total of 400k in the house, which is a lot…
Anon
400k in a house is not a lot. Most houses are worth significantly more than that, and ultimately the goal is to have the house fully paid off and the full amount of the house be “in” the house, right? I don’t understand why 400k in a house scares you.
SSJD
This sounds reasonable to me. However keep in mind that there may be tax benefits to taking a larger mortgage as the interest is tax deductible. We were recently advised to max out this tax benefit and therefore took a larger loan, leaving more cash in our bank account. In the future, if you take lower-paying jobs you have your cash to cushion your payments. Just food for thought. But I don’t think your idea is crazy. Having a nice house that you love is wonderful. Keep in mind however that houses are money pits, and costs will arise.
Anonymous
Please talk to a professional. $250,000 hanging around doing nothing is a massive price to pay for a vague sense of “comfort.” None of us can advise you accurately
OP
Thanks. We know this and have talked to several professionals but we can’t agree on what to do with the money so it remains where it is for now. It is a problem.
Anonymous
You need a financial/relationship therapist perhaps? What is the reason you are just setting so much cash sit there?
OP
I don’t think this warrants therapy. We keep our money separate so it’s a little more complicated than most. Primarily the money is sitting there because we haven’t been able to agree on whether we wanted to upgrade, and if we did, which house, so neither of us could do anything with our portions. We both know we should do something with it and will if we decide this house is a no. It’s at least in a high-interest account.
Anonymous
You’re literally loosing thousands of dollars a year over a disagreement you can’t resolve. What on earth does warrant therapy if not that?
OP
It’s not a disagreement we can’t resolve it’s more of an issue that isn’t urgent (buying a new home) that we are trying to work through. We both go back and forth on whether or not to do it so we haven’t been able to agree to move forward. This particular house is going to be built soon and we’ve decided if we don’t buy it we will stay where we are, so it will be resolved either way.
nona
Meh – I think we over emphasize the need to optimize every dollar in our control. It is a lot of money to not be putting work, but it’s also not the end of the world to not do anything with it. Those thousands of dollars may not be a big % of the OPs HHI. And might be worth the price to keep the peace. If OP and SO are otherwise aligned with their financial values, I don’t see why this particular issue would require therapy.
Anonymous
Yes. It is the problem you need to solve.
Still in debt
I wish I had this problem.
Dulcinea
It’s not crazy but I personally wouldn’t do it (depending on the interest rate on your mortgage). After all, having a fat stack of cash in the bank *also* gives you the freedom to take lower paying jobs, especially if you invest it wisely. I think liquid assets provide you more security and flexibility than non liquid.
Anon
“Investing it wisely” is mutually exclusive from having “a fat stack of cash in the bank”
Dulcinea
I meant “in the bank” in the colloquial sense, obviously. IN some form of investment more liquid than a house.
Northwest Islander
I don’t think this is crazy at all. But I would take a mortgage for the maximum tax-deductible amount (I think this is $750k) and then pay the rest in cash.
I bought a second home a year ago for cash. I have been renovating it for the past year – it should be done by July 4th holidays:) Mentally this would have been a much tougher process if I had been paying a big mortgage while this house sat unusable and unoccupied. I have planned to put a ~$500k mortgage on the renovated house but honestly it is SO NICE to have no mortgage that I may let the money sit there and have a large HELOC in place for emergencies.
Money is an emotional subject for many of us. If keeping your mortgage exposure flat with this new purchase will be worth it to your emotional health, I say do it. There is so much economic uncertainty right now; your proposal will lock in immediate returns (dollars plus mental) vs. potentially losing money in the market/via inflation/etc.
Anon
I’m surprised by the responses saying to maximize the loan for the tax deduction. The tax deduction is not dollar-for-dollar, it’s going to be a percentage of the amount you pay. It’s like paying $1 to get a 25 cent tax deduction. You are net negative in that deal.
Anon
True, but you would still have the cash you didn’t put in to your house. It’s not like you would just have a giant bonfire with that money. I’m assuming that the prior poster intended that those funds should be invested, where you are likely to get more than a 4% return over the life of your home loan (which I think is still the standard interest on a mortgage, but it has been a few years since I looked.
Anon
I can’t tell anyone in real life, but I think I’m heading toward divorce. I have a toddler and my husband is a great dad and a nice guy but he can be emotionally unavailable and has a really codependent relationship with his single mom. He told me in therapy yesterday that if he had to pick between being a good son and being a good husband he has to be a good son because I have an additional support network and his mom has nobody but him.
I just realized that our life if is fine and we can enjoy spending time together but that I can’t count on him to be there for me and that I feel overwhelming loneliness even when I’m with him.
I feel like there has to be more than this for the rest of my life (I’m only 29) but I also read the posts of people desperately looking for partners and wonder if it’s bad enough to leave. But isn’t it better for feel lonely while looking for a partner than to feel lonely while sitting right next to one?
NOLA
I can’t tell you what to do, but in my experience, it was better to be on my own than in a relationship where I wasn’t a priority to my partner. I was constantly unhappy. I felt like I deserved more, but was having trouble letting go. As soon as I stepped back from it, my world opened up. I know it’s daunting, with a toddler, but for your emotional well-being, I think you should consider it.
BabyAssociate
“But isn’t it better for feel lonely while looking for a partner than to feel lonely while sitting right next to one?” Yes, absolutely.
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
“But isn’t it better for feel lonely while looking for a partner than to feel lonely while sitting right next to one?”
I’m not sure, honestly. I totally understand why him saying he’d choose to be a good son over a good husband upset you (it would really upset me too), but honestly I think you may be surprised how lonely it is to not have a partner at all, especially as a parent. Having a partner – even a somewhat emotionally unavailable one – is having a built-in date to weddings, someone to travel with, someone to share all the highs and lows of parenting with. Get divorced if you feel that being married to this man is worse than being a single mom for a long time, not because you feel like there might be a man out there who would make you happier. Most divorced women I know have not found a new partner quickly, especially if they have young children at home.
So Anon
Hard disagree on this front. Recently divorced with two young children and in the process of building the life that I want for myself and my kids. Yes, there are moments of loneliness, but I realized that it was far more lonely to be in a relationship with someone who did not put our relationship and that of our children at the center of our lives than to be single. There is no doubt that being a single mother has its challenges, but it can also be incredibly liberating. Having a date to a wedding or someone to travel with is not a reason to stay married. A healthy relationship is all about give and take and mutual support, and that sounds lacking in OP’s marriage. OP: There may not be a man out there that can make you happier, but if you are happier without your current spouse as your spouse, that is something to think about. Also, you don’t need a man to be happy.
Anon
Your situation was COMPLETELY different. Her husband is not cheating on her, he’s an active parent to their child, he’s not mentally ill. Of course life is easier and less lonely for you post-divorce. I’m happy things are working out well for you (and when you posted here I told you to get divorced, fwiw). You cannot analogize your situation to a woman who has an active and committed partner and co-parent.
Anonymous
+1
anon
Agreed. There is a world of difference between run-of-the-mill marriage problems and what you experienced.
anon
I actually think So Anon’s comment reinforces Anon at 10:18. The choice is between being married to current spouse and being a divorced parent, not between being married to current spouse and being married to someone else.
And I agree with So Anon that being a divorced parent can absolutely be the “more than this” the OP is seeking.
Anon
You’re twisting my words. I never said having a date to a wedding or someone to travel with is enough of reason to stay married. I said she might be underestimating the loneliness that comes from not having those things. Many marriages (including yours) are bad enough to leave and being alone is preferable. Hers does not sound like one of them (to me, an outsider who admittedly has very limited facts about the situation). I also didn’t say she shouldn’t leave – I just said she should go into it with eyes wide open and not assume that finding a replacement partner would be easy. If she’d prefer being alone, great, get a divorce! But I think it’s really naive to assume she can quickly and easily find someone who makes her happier. I’ve seen a lot of women leave “good enough” marriages because they wanted a new partner, and then they were very disappointed when Prince Charming didn’t come along. A couple of them tried to get back with their husbands (one successfully, one unsuccessfully, fwiw).
Anon
+1 Get divorced if you would prefer being alone, not because you think you will find a better partner.
But also, I’m single. I have really good friends, who I can talk to about anything and would be there in an emergency. I don’t find that I’m missing the emotional support I need for big things, because my friends can be there for that. But at the end of the day, I go home to an empty house. I almost always travel alone. I am always attending weddings alone. I don’t have a built-in partner to attend events with me, which means that I often have to go alone. I have significantly less spending money than most of my friends, because my housing costs about the same and I’m not splitting that cost across two salaries. There are a lot of benefits to being partnered, especially when you have a young child (said is someone who is considering having a child on my own because I can’t find a partner).
Anonymous
+1
My MIL was widowed shortly before DH immigrated to live with me. After our oldest was born, he struggled to adapt to being responsible for his mom, me and our child when before his dad died and we married, he felt just responsible for himself. He worked through it in therapy to learn that he can find a way to balance all those responsibilities and just because his mom (or I) am not happy about something, doesn’t mean he’s a bad son/husband.
E.g. – right now he’s gone to visit his mom for a week on his own because that gives him lots of 1-1 time with her. He will take a vacation with us later this year. He has learned to call her regularly on his drive to work so that he doesn’t have to chat on the weekends and can focus on me/our child. A good therapist will help him work through practical strategies to balance his responsibilities.
Anonymous
I think you should say all of this to him in therapy. Does he understand that he’s at risk of losing you? His choice is being a good but divorced son or being a “bad son” that is still married.
Irish Midori
This. Divorce with a young child is no joke. I’m not saying it’s never worth it, but explore all the other options first.
Anonymous
No one has suggested it is a joke.
Nah
So, this is how English works– sometimes people use a phrase like “it’s no joke” to indicate that something is serious. It’s just a phrase people say. It’s not a literal response to someone suggesting it was a joke. Try to lighten up.
Anon
Yeah, I’m sure OP is just flippantly thinking about divorce.
OP
He only agreed to therapy because I told him without it I was done. His mom is manipulative and manufactures crises to get her two sons to come running to her aid and everything, including me and our kid, get sidelined in the interim. And these aren’t short term crises – the last one was 6 months of biweekly visits 5 hours away, nightly telephone calls, etc.
Anonymous
Have you discussed establishing boundaries in therapy? If he feels obligated to have a daily phone call (not uncommon in my circle of girlfriends with their moms), he does it on his commute or at lunch. He visits at fixed intervals – like once every second month. These are solvable problems. And realistically, even if you divorce, you will likely share custody and these scheduling issues will not disappear. Your child will benefit from him learning to set boundaries with his mom even if you don’t work out as a couple in the long term.
Anon
Wow, telling your husband he can only visit his single mother every second month is ice cold. I don’t think I’m particularly pro-family compared to many here (I’m not offended by the phrase “protect the nuclear” and I wouldn’t let my parents or in-laws move in with us), but those are some incredibly harsh boundaries.
Anonymous
I’m talking about a default scheduled visit. Obviously he would visit additionally if there was a specific need. It’s not realistic that he continues driving five hours away every second weekend. That means she’s sole parenting every second weekend with zero say in the matter.
Anon
Hmm. Setting aside whether or not the crises are real (and I’ll take your word for it that MIL is terrible) biweekly visits 5 hours away and nightly telephone calls doesn’t actually sound that unreasonable to me for checking in an elderly, single mother. If your definition of “good husband” means that you want your husband to stop talking to his mother daily, then I actually think you’re in the wrong here. He can be both a good husband and a good son, and from this comment it sort of sounds like you want him to prove himself as a husband by abandoning his mother. You shouldn’t focus on him doing less with his mother, but rather on getting what you need from him – whether that’s emotional support or more time with your toddler so you have time for self-care. What needs of yours is he not meeting?
Anonymous
I posted above suggesting bimonthly visits but I’m assuming she’s healthy not elderly or infirm. If she’s in a seniors home or bed ridden then biweekly visits may actually be appropriate to monitor quality of care. The main point is that this is the kind of issue that can be negotiated in therapy and in and of itself doesn’t seem like a strong reason to divorce.
OP
Not looking to have him abandon her or not make sure medical needs are taken care of. She’s an active, healthy, retired 65 year old who makes drama. The last issue was drama with a married guy where she’s get so upset that she’d be calling my husband at night and want to talk for (literally) hours rehashing what he said and what she should have said. Calls were happening at 10pm while we were in bed and my husband would refuse to acknowledge that there could possibly be a boundary set because THIS IS WHAT SHE NEEDS. My husband would be going for a 4 day weekend every other weekend to try to console her and reassure her.
I’m close to my family and have no problem with quick catch ups on the phone (though I usually chat w my mom on my commute) or visits because you want to. Not looking to control their relationship, looking to manage the impact it has on me.
Anonymous
What did the therapist say when you gave these examples? A good therapist should be providing support to establish firm, reasonable boundaries and provide education about what healthy adult child – parent relationships can look like, and reinforce the idea that just because his mom is not happy does not mean he is a ‘bad son’. How long have you been married? Is his brother also married? It took close to 5 years for my DH to really learn to set strong boundaries with his mom. It was a lot easier for my SIL when she married my BIL last year.
Anonymous
So his mom doesn’t have “no one else”, she has another son. If he’s always choosing her over you, you must feel dreadfully hurt.
Anon
I agree that every other weekend and a nightly phone call is not that much for an elder care situation.
I get the feeling OP that you are so anti his mother that he said what he said about prioritizing her in reaction to you.
There’s this trope about the terrible MIL on here a lot but I wonder how much of it is truly terrible DILs who can’t accept that their husbands still have ties to their mothers.
Anonymous
I think a lot depends on whether this is a true elder care situation. If OP is 29 and her husband is around the same then his mom is likely to be mid-50s or early 60s. Whether she is elderly or still working isn’t clear.
Anon
Even if the MIL is relatively young and healthy I don’t understand the objection to a nightly phone call. How does her husband calling his mother daily hurt OP? It seems like it’s just wounding her pride because she doesn’t like her MIL, and I think that’s really unreasonable. I agree that with a toddler, asking her to solo parent every other weekend is a lot (although that’s what she’d be doing if she got divorced) and the visits probably need to be cut back/negotiated. Maybe MIL can travel to them if she’s healthy? But presumably OP wouldn’t like that either.
Anon
I think the problem is you, honestly. I’d go ballistic if my husband told me I couldn’t talk to my mom every day. She’s not an invalid, but she’s in her late 60s and I know she won’t be around forever and I want to talk to her while I can. I would reframe it: if your husband is skipping the bedtime routine for this phone call, then the problem is that he’s skipping the bedtime routine every day, not that he’s talking to his mom. A daily phone call is not unreasonable, unless it’s interfering with him being a good partner or parent.
OP
This is exactly the problem. I also talk to my mom every day, but it’s a 10 min hey what’s up here’s a funny story from my day, what’s new with you? I do it on my commute or while I’m cooking dinner or walking the dog. And if something came up where I couldn’t call that night, it would be no big deal. This isn’t what I’m talking about.
MIL would call and spiral for hours about her married boyfriend, getting truly hysterical if my husband couldn’t get in the trenches rehashing every part of every interaction. He would have to talk even when we’d be on vacation. We missed a dinner reservation on vacation because she was too upset to end the call. Due to her schedule, the calls were always between 8pm-11pm. It was really disruptive to our relationship and intimacy. And he can’t acknowledge that there could be another way, or any other resource (like a therapist!) that could help meet her needs
Anonymous
Agree. I chat with my mom at 10pm -10:30pm most nights. DH and I don’t always go to bed at the same time because I’m a night owl and he’s an early bird.
Anonymous
What is your therapist saying to him about these issues? I’d try a new therapist before divorce if the current therapist isn’t effective or clear.
Anonymous
The problem is not the OP. Please read her responses. I would not be pleased if my DH was spending 3 hours on the phone every night trying to console his mother who is repeatedly making poor choices (hello, married boyfriend) and not willing to accept the consequences without a ridiculous amount of drama. Husband needs to set boundaries and therapy will, hopefully, help him with that.
Anon
None of the stuff about 3 hour phone calls or missing dinner reservations to talk to his mom was in the OP, just “nightly phone calls” which is not inherently problematic. I agree from the follow-up post that the OP is not being unreasonable and her husband’s behavior is really bad.
Anonymous
DH and I went through a really rough time when our youngest was about 2-3 years old. I posted here a few times and got a lot of advice to divorce but I am glad I stayed. There was no cheating/drugs etc. We had just lost our spark, could not manage to be kind to each other and fought a lot. We went through two different marriage counsellors but we are in a good place now and I’m glad I stayed. It’s not perfect but we’re humans in real life not a rom-com movie.
What did the therapist say in response to his statement? That’s an example of ‘black and white’ thinking which can be associated with depression. He doesn’t have to chose – it’s possible to be a good son and a good husband. It’s a huge shift after a child comes into the picture so he has to find his path forward to being a good son, good husband and good father – it can be hard to see how to do that if he is feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility. Therapy should help encourage him to turn towards you as you work through this together.
He will be in your life for many years as the father of your child so I’d continue therapy and see where it goes.
Anonymous
And when I say really rough, I mean screaming fights and I costed out leaving at least 6 times in two years.
anon
Thank you so much for sharing this. Not the OP, but in a similar boat–no cheating/drugs, just finding that two careers and two toddlers have left zero room for our relationship. We’re leading parallel lives, not a shared one. I have found myself wondering if this marriage can be saved and, if it can, whether I want to save it. It’s helpful to hear that others have made it through a similar slump and are glad they put in the work.
Anon for this
I also went through a really tough time with my husband after the birth of our child. I remember a particular moment where I thought that if I could just be on the other side of divorce, without actually having to deal with going *through* it, I would be happy. My daughter is 4 now and I’m glad I stayed. Our relationship isn’t perfect but it is a lot better.
Triangle Pose
It’s better to be alone /looking than to sit next to the wrong guy. I was with the guy I couldn’t count on to be there for me (he was a terrible son AND a terrible SO, what a catch, amirite?) and we separated in a horrific way, right before my 30th birthday. I had been in that relationship for 5+ years and convinced I’d never date or do well in online/app dating world and stayed in it for way too long. After we broke up, I dated a ton of people on apps and within 6 months I met the most amazing guy on Bumble and now i’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in with a mature, grown up man who really shows me he cares and loves me. I was trapped in a bad relationship and didn’t think guys like my new SO existed. I’m so much happier now and we are talking about our future and marriage. If you’re lonely sitting right next to him and he’s not there for you, move on. You and your child deserve more.
Veronica Mars
I’ll say a few things first–I’m sorry you’re going through this, and there’s nothing worse than feeling lonely next to someone. It’s the worst feeling in the world. As for your husband, before you throw in the towel, I’d urge to to continue counseling. You don’t mention how long you’ve been married, but I know that “leaving and cleaving” from your parents can be a very difficult thing to do. You go from your parents being your immediate family to your spouse being your immediate family. If your spouse and your mom are in hospitals on opposite sides of town, you’re at your spouses’s bedside. And that’s a hard thing to wrap your head around when you first get married (for some), that this really is your family now. I’d urge you to continue therapy and see if together the therapist can help your husband see how out of whack it is, and not only that, the consequences for himself and his child. If he chooses this, he will be robbing himself of the most meaningful, intimate relationship he can have in life. And if he does this as a father, he’s teaching your child that they are second fiddle to their partner’s family. Horrible lessons. I’d hang in there. Most of my friends (and I as well) have had to work on boundaries and re-prioritizing family with their partners, and it’s something that can be learned with a willing participant.
Anon
“He told me in therapy yesterday that if he had to pick between being a good son and being a good husband he has to be a good son….”
Traditional marriage vows are to forsake all others, because a spouse cannot take second place to anyone.
Anon for this
That might be the traditional vow, but I know many wonderful people who would disagree with it. I know my husband and I both do.
My MIL NEEDS us. As in, she is not sick enough to need nursing home care, but definitely could not manage on her own and would not begin to know how to get services for herself (or be able to afford them). If I forced my husband to chose between us, he would absolutely 100% pick her. He would also think I was an evil person that he did not want to be married to. My children NEED us and if my husband suddenly became a pod person and decided to be a terrible parent, I would absolutely 100% pick them. I love my husband. I am loyal to my husband. But I am not going to take his side when he is wrong and I would not expect him to do that either.
OP – you need to do what is best for you and your family. But you are talking about a (hopefully) purely hypothetical situation where your husband has to choose between you and his mother. Who would you chose if you had to choose between him and your child? Hopefully your child – because your child needs you and he does not. Would you really want to be married to someone who would IF FORCED abandon his mother in the interests of his marriage? What would that say about him and what kind of person he is? What would it say about you and whether he wants to be married to you if you tried to force him to make that choice?
Final note – and again you need to do what is best for you and your kid – but I would strongly recommend talking to a professional therapist and a screening for depression. This is already too long and I don’t want to go into detail, but your post resonates with me and my history with that illness. It is really easy to feel overwhelmed and alone when you are parenting a toddler, even with a supportive spouse.
Anon
That’s not what it means to put a spouse first and you know it.
If the MIL were a strain on your marriage by meddling, being rude, undermining your authority in front of the children, etc., then your husband’s job is to make it clear to her that she cuts the crap or she’s out the door, then follows through.
Your children are your joint responsibility. However, spouses come first: you nurture your relationship even during the tough years, because they will one day be out of the house and you will still be married. You put up a united front for the kids, so they don’t play you off each other. You model a good marriage for them because that is a gift to them as well as to husband and wife.
This is marriage 101.
Anon
+1
Anon for this
But note that I said if he was WRONG I would not support him. Sometimes on this board there is this sense that your spouse should always take your side and sometimes that is just not true. (There is also a general sense that we are entitled to police our spouses’ relationships with their family even when it does not impact us directly and I do not think that is true either.)
My post was before the OP gave us more information about how her MIL is behaving and it does sound like she (MIL) is being manipulative (even if subconsciously) and is overly dependent on her son. In this case, I would encourage the OP to focus on the practical ways that is impacting her and her child rather than a general complaint that husband is “too” attached to his mother. Once she identifies that, she can address those behaviors, which I generally find to be more constructive instead of who her husband loves “more”.
Anonymous
I have advised plenty of women here to get a divorce and there are lots of situations where I think divorcing, even with a young child, makes sense – obviously abuse and infidelity, but also things like a manchild who won’t do his share of the parenting or housework, financial infidelity, when you’re fighting so much you can’t be civil to each other and have lost respect for each other, mental illness that your spouse refuses to treat, etc. But it doesn’t sound like you have any of these issues, and you say he’s a great dad and you enjoy spending time together. Those are very non-trivial things to replace, and if you manage to find someone who meets the criteria and you’re attracted to, he may have other issues. You can do what you want, but personally I’d be inclined to stay in therapy and keep working on it. It’s very common to struggle for a few years after having a child, and your issues don’t sound super abnormal to me.
And to be blunt, most of my single 30-something friends would be eager to date your husband. If you want to proceed with divorce, I would go into it assuming he will likely get remarried quickly and have more kids (who will be your kid’s half-siblings), while you will probably be single long-term. Toddler dads are s3xy, especially if they’re hands-on caregivers. Toddler moms are not. I’m sorry if this sounds sexist, but it’s the reality I’ve seen.
Anon
+1
I spend several hours last weekend commiserating with a friend whose ex was getting remarried that day with her two sons in attendance. The divorce was her idea (largely because two careers in law + two young children + his leaving her as the default parent responsible for all the “emotional labor” resulted in a lot of unhappiness). However, she took a huge hit to her standard of living, still had to take a professional step back, and is still single because dating when you have a demanding job and two young children is really, really hard. He did not want a divorce – but bounced back pretty quickly, took a much smaller hit to his standard of living (combination of his not having student loans and more parental support), and just re-married (to a slightly although not outrageously younger woman without kids). In my general experience, that is pretty common.
Anon
+1 It’s kind of scary how much women fetishize any dad who does more than the bare minimum. My husband is a SAHD and several SAHMs have made their interests known. I think he’s cute, and he’s not objectively bad-looking but you’d think he was George Clooney from the way they fawn over him. I think if we divorced, he’d be single for about 3 days. I have several mom friends who are model gorgeous and they never get hit on. It’s a huge double standard.
Anon
My husband was a SAHD for a few years and I always thought the SAHMs were going to throw him a parade for being so heroic (when he was, in fact, just unemployed and a SAHD by default.)
All while still managing to throw me shade for “missing my childrens’ childhood“ by working.
I don’t know what these SAHMs thought we should do – have no income? Or the SAHM who want to get with your SAHD husband – how is that going to work?
I hope you laugh about it with your husband. My husband and I certainly did!
Anon
Soooo true. Husband has the flexible job and I have the demanding/high paying job so he is primary caregiver. He is basically greeted with flower petals anywhere he goes with kiddo. He does way more of the parenting but it’s ridiculous and hilarious how much praise men get for doing basic parenting tasks.
Anon for this
+100
Single woman here in her 30s – honestly giving up on the men that are still single so waiting for the first couple rounds of divorces. I suspect there are a lot of good men out there who married the wrong person for whatever reason.
And because I wish I could say this to my younger self – it’s not clear how old you are, but I regret ending a lot of relationships in my 20s for trivial reasons. Not saying this is trivial but pickings are slim and it sounds like you have a good guy who cares about his family. Being a single mom seems worse than being married to a good guy who pays a lot of attention to his single mom who seems to be having a rough time.
anon
Does he understand how terribly lonely you are? Have you pursued couples counseling? I’m not in the relationship, you are, but divorce seems like a drastic step for what seems to be a fixable marital issue. I think it also bears repeating that the early kid years can be very hard on a marriage and bring problems to a head, but it’s possible to rebound. How long have you been married? Asking only because figuring out the balance of immediate family vs. in-laws can take time.
YMMV, but I felt very lonely during the little-kid years, despite having a good, solid partner. Definitely make sure you’re seeking out support for yourself. I also think it can be dangerous to assume that your spouse will be your everything. They should be No. 1, for sure, but they can’t be a sole source of emotional support.
anon
Reading comprehension fail. You’re in counseling, and that’s good. Can the counselor help you guys set reasonable expectations for how to support each other?
Of Counsel
I have said this before (here) and I will say it again:
Make a list. A concrete list of what will be better in your life if you are divorced and what will be worse. Be realistic! And realize that having a child makes it much more complicated than ending a relationship for people who are not parents. Consider finances, the impact of split parenting (will he want 50% custody?), the difficulty of dating when you have a young child (particularly if you do not want to introduce your child to a string of new men). Recognize that he will almost certainly remarry and how are you going to feel about that? But also the intangibles and only you can value those (particularly in your circumstance). Then decide whether the good outweighs the bad in the short and long-term and make a decision.
If you are not already in individual therapy, I would recommend it. It might help you parse out how much of this is him and how much is you and how much is you have a toddler and that is really hard on relationships.
anon
Cosign this advice about making lists of the pros and cons. And before you do it, make sure you see a divorce attorney who will paint a very clear picture of what your parenting is likely to look like if separated. I’m not saying you should settle for what he seems capable of offering you. You deserve to be happy. But there is also value in being able to run to the gym/grocery store/salon without sending 10 texts to find a sitter. And in not having to deal with pick ups and drop offs for the child every couple of days. I practice family law and I often wonder whether some of my clients get how difficult life will become once they move forward. I think you want to be realistic about your decision.
Anon
Okay, it’s a little gross to assume that OP trying to date would mean introducing her child to “a string of new men”
Of Counsel
To clarify, dating does not mean that. But going on a date when you are single means either shelling out $50 (min) for child care; only dating when your ex has the child (which is fine for a series of first and second dates but makes it harder); or having him over when your child is home. In my experience (and I emphasize MY experience) dating when you have a young child is expensive and eventually guys want to do things during what would otherwise be family time.
it is hard enough to date when you have a full-time job and are trying to find time to do things. Now cut your available free time by 50% and you have an idea of what it is like to date when you are a single parent who does not want to introduce your kid to someone before things are really serious.
Anonymous
Is your husband American? Because I can think of a few cultures where parents always come first, even after marriage. If he’s of one of those cultures, no amount of therapy will change how he was raised.
lsw
You’re only 29, and life is precious and short. I agree that giving counseling a try is a great first step, but the idea of living my (hopefully long) life with someone the way you describe…I couldn’t.
Obviously this is just an anecdote, but my husband and his ex-wife separated when their daughter was 3. We have another child together and she is living with a committed partner also. I know it’s not easy but life on the other side is possible.
Anon
I sympathize with you completely. I think those that are being critical don’t realize the extent of co-dependency you are talking about and the impact it has. I dealt with the same thing with my now ex-husband. If my ex didn’t answer the phone, his dad would call like a stalker until he answered. He was also not in an elder care type situation.
When your spouse does not put you or your relationship first, it puts one in a place of constant resentment. OP has to prioritize the relationship and care of the toddler, forsaking all other things without the commitment of a partner to assist. As my therapist said at the time to my ex- “you are having an affair…with your dad. You are emotionally invested in another relationship that you are prioritizing over what should be your first priority.”
Elodie
Whoa, so many comments about divorce or not. But how about first insisting he join you in therapy, and other wise try to help me learn to develop boundaries. Boundaries are HARD for me – I’m an enneagram 9 and a Myers Briggs INFJ; boundaries are HARD, and I can totally imagine myself acting like your husband 10 years ago. But I’ve learn a lot about how to set limits, and determine what my priorities are and protect them, since then. I think you husband probably needs to go through that growth process, too. You can’t make him, obviously, but, the possibility of having his wife leave is probably good motivation! If he’s a fundamentally decent person but being yanked around by his mother (who sounds terribly – who calls someone with young children and talks to them for hours every night?), I have a lot of hope for you! So, Therapy and books. And, you can help, probably, by asking questions like “what are your priorities for today?”, “How much time is reasonable for you to spend talking to your mom if she calls tonight, given that your child is also needing you, and I would like your company?”. I had to have my sister help me practice multiple ways of setting limits and saying ‘no’…I had no vocabulary to do that, but having a few pat phrases has helped a lot. Give him words to use with his mother – “Mom, I care about you, and I can talk for 30 minutes until I need to put child to bed… Just a heads up I’ve got 5 more minutes… Sorry you’re disappointed, but that’s what I can offer you today… I love you, bye! “. It’s hard at first, but he can learn!
Allentown PA
I am flying in to the ABE airport and will have one lunch to eat (flight gets in at lunchtime) and one dinner to eat there on a different day (before return flight leaves). I know that it’s a college town area and there should be some fun, tween-friendly places to eat (vs fancy restaurants), but I don’t know where to find them. Any recommendations that are not super-hard to find from the airport (or near/off 22/78 and/or the road that brings you up to East Stroudsburg)?
Thanks!
Anon
I went to school in Bethlehem, and I will say that there’s great food in the area!
Kome (sushi) and torre (Mexican) are in the Promanade are both great.
For more casual places, I still dream about Tulum (Mexican), Jenny’s (Malaysian) and The Goose (hoagies). All of which are located in South Bethlehem (one guess where I went to school…)
The Airport Road shopping center has lots of fast casual chains (chipotle, Panera, Mod Pizza).
There are good options in North Bethlehem as well. I remember liking Brew Works and Mama Nina’s but can’t remember where else we went.
I’d recommend either Tulum or The Goose for lunch and then Brew Works for dinner
Maybe some Moravian or Muhlenburg grads can weigh in for North Bethlehem and Allentown :)
Anon
As a Mountain Hawk, this thread makes me happy!
Not sure if you’re there for fun (mentioning the tween) but the Lehigh Valley is such s great area!
Anemone
I know nothing about tweens, but I’ll do my best!
Great wings: PJ Whelihan’s just off Schoenersville Road, less than two miles from ABE.
Decent (for PA) Mexican: Cactus Blue on Schoenersville Road, less than two miles from ABE (TINY place!)
Great hot dogs/Polish/German food: Dunderbak’s in the Lehigh Valley Mall in Whitehall
Great “artisan” unusual pizza: Parma Pizza, intersection of Tilghman Street and Cedar Crest Boulevard in Allentown
Let me know if you want fancier places too.
Wanderlust
In Allentown, I’d recommend Cali Burrito!
Anonymous
I’d second Cali Burrito for lunch in a heartbeat!
Anon
+1
Anon
Has anyone moved from NYC to Dallas? Husband and I are balking at COL in NYC (where we are now) and are looking at other legal markets to move to. I’ve talked to a few recruiters about CA and DC, but those are relatively high cost, and TX has no state income tax. Plus I prefer warm weather.
I’m in corporate biglaw, but to me, my family > my career, but I would like something relatively stimulating, but my job isn’t my passion.
Anon
Also, if it matters, I’d be fine with lateraling first to a biglaw firm, but in the long run would prefer to go in-house.
The original Scarlett
I’ve only visited Dallas, but it’s very different from NYC. I’d make sure you like the lifestyle first and visit with some frequency.
Anonymous
Agreed. I love big cities and I HATED Dallas.
Anonymous
Maybe Fort Worth?
One of the best work convos I had was with an East Texas co-worker about “if we moved to DFW would we be Dallas People or Fort Worth People” all had with people who knew who J.R. Ewing was and had never lived or worked in Texas.
#FortWorth (also: Houston –> I am a person who needs to live no more than an hour from an ocean)
Friend
This. The weather, the driving, the diversity, the sports…. it’s all different. It’s not just money. What else is going on here?
OP
Haha, I guess I should add that I grew up in South Florida and my husband is from LA, so we’re very accustomed to driving everywhere and suburban life! And probably used to most of the weather that Dallas has? I’m also OK with living in a blue enclave in an otherwise red state (I think…South Florida is very insulated from the rest of the state’s politics in terms of everyday life, not sure if Dallas County is the same).
More concerned I guess with long-term career prospects and then also just the sort of issues we should think about in choosing a new place to move to in our early 30s (no kids yet, will start TTC within the next few years). Thanks for everyone’s suggestions so far!
Anon
Dallas might look like a blue enclave on a map, but culture-wise, it’s definitely still red. Also, Texas has no state income tax, but the property and sales tax rates compensate for that.
Anonymous
I agree. I grew up in Dallas and while the cost of living is great, you have to be onboard for the weather and culture.
Do tornadoes freak you out? Dallas is at the south end of tornado valley and I can think of several major tornadoes that seriously impacted friends and family when I was a kid (buildings destroyed, houses flattened to the foundation, cars wrapped around trees). How do you feel about triple digit temperatures? Some people aren’t bothered by this stuff and like the tradeoff of mild winters, but for others heat and big storms can be a major source of stress.
Same thing with the culture. NYC is a very blue area and DFW is red. If you like being able to take a weekend trip to the beach/mountains/other major cities, that’s not going to be an option (or is going to involve more travel) from Dallas. The city of Dallas has decent public transport and cabs/Uber/Lyft, but if you’re in the suburbs you’ll need to drive a lot.
Anon
What is most important to you in a new city, other than COL? There are a lot of options between NYC and Dallas. Dallas is a nice enough city, lots to do. Very walkable in the downtown and a couple other areas. But IME most people still live in the suburbs and suburb to inner city flight has not occurred to the extent is has in other major cities (although it is still happening). You get typical southern suburbs, big sprawling new construction homes within 25 min to 1 hr of the city, most in the $200 – $450k cost, many in planned communities. Your life will be drastically different – you won’t get the “let’s walk around the city and people watch and get into all the cool things there are to do”. There is a lot less walking, a lot fewer people outside, and you have to really plan to do fun things, even family things. But the quality of life is higher – life is just easier and less stressful – even simple things like grocery shopping are less stressful.
All the above said, you can get similar upsides in lower COL cities around the Midwest and the south. And Dallas is on the higher end of COL just not in the ballpark of NYC or SF (which are really in their own category). Dallas still has the heat of the south, but also has some snow and tornadoes, so you should consider that.
OP
Ah, yes. I forgot about the tornadoes! I should’ve said in my original post that I’m from South Florida and my husband is from LA, so we’re OK with the driving and we would love the less stressful lifestyle haha. But I did forget the tornadoes which do kind of freak me out (as also Anonymous at 11:12 raised as a point).
Jeffiner
Tornadoes are scary, but there’s really very few places in the US where the weather doesn’t try to kill you. Mudslides, earthquakes, wildfires, hurricanes, floods, blizzards, etc. Learn where to go when the sirens go off.
Anon
I grew up in and currently live in Tornado Alley. It’s not that bad. Just make sure to buy a house with a basement so you have a safe place to go. I also don’t really think of Dallas as Tornado Alley – not saying you’ll never experience a tornado if you move there, but it shouldn’t be a constant thing.
Anonymous
Good luck finding a house with a basement in Dallas. Those are pretty uncommon. You can always get a storm shelter installed and odds are that you won’t die or suffer any major property damage, but tornadoes can still be really stressful for some people. I grew up in tornado alley (Fort Worth and then Oklahoma City) and never freaked out at tornado sirens/warnings/etc. but have since moved away and honestly find a lot of peace of mind in not having to worry about tornadoes anymore.
Anonymous
I like Dallas but yes, very very different than NYC – basically LA lite.
Jeffiner
My husband grew up in NYC and we now live in Fort Worth. The COL is low, and its easy to buy a house. We have no income tax because our property taxes are sky high. Its not just warm here, its hot, and its hot until its suddenly cold for a few weeks in winter. Public transportation is a joke, toll roads are the way to get around here. But we have plenty of entertainment venues, sports teams, festivals, lakes and parks, etc. I think we have a higher number of restaurants per capita than anywhere else. You’d have to adjust your expectations – no apple picking in the fall, but we have hatch chile peppers.
My family members from CA think people are friendlier here than CA. I think people are friendlier in NYC than here. Progressives here would be considered moderates on the coast, and conservatives here are far right. You don’t feel as crowded here as in NYC. My husband says he prefers FW to NYC, although he hates the weather here.
Anon.
I haven’t moved from NYC, but I have lived in Fort Worth most of my life and work in law in Dallas. I commute on the toll ways and the traffic is not too bad. The job opportunities and pay are better in Dallas, but I love the vibe in Fort Worth, so I keep living there and dive the 45 min. to hour commute each way every day.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Fwiw, you say your husband is from LA. LA is a lot cheaper than people give it credit for, although of course more expensive than DFW. We moved to LA largely for cost of living reasons (from the Bay Area).
Of a Kind
Has anyone purchased apparel from Of a Kind? If so could you let me know if you had to return and if it was easy? considering a dress from them – thanks!
work laptop?
I need a new laptop for work and have been asked about preferences for what to purchase. My previous work laptops have been Dell latitudes which for the most part seem fine, but somewhat heavy. I use a docking station and separate monitor/keyboard in the office. I don’t travel with it much, but I do carry it home daily and take it to meetings so I don’t want something huge. Corporate lawyer in a Windows/pc environment- no need for fancy graphics, super expensive builds, or Macs. Suggestions?
Tessa Karlov
I have the Lenovo ThinkPad X1 Carbon and I really like it!
Chi Squared
I had a ThinkPad X1 Carbon at my old firm and really liked it as well. Now I have an HP Elite that is a POS (doesn’t always recognize the docking station when I plug it in in the mornings, massive typing lags when I log in remotely from home, often hangs up on shut down/restart).
Inspired by Hermione
I got a Surface Pro and hated it. I think it’s very much a preference thing not that it’s a bad computer;I know people who love it, but I went back to using my 6 year old Mac and sold the Surface to my mom. I use my iPad more than anything, but I know that’s not answering your question!
laptop OP
Can you tell me more about what you hated on the Surface? I like my iPad/pencil for marking up documents and would use it more if it was easier to integrate with my work stuff. so the idea of a touch screen is appealing.
anon
I also hated my Surface Pro and was so happy to get rid of it. I replaced it with a small laptop. IMO, the Surface is both a crappy tablet AND a crappy computer, so the benefit of having a hybrid product was nill.
Inspired By Hermione
Yes, this. The pencil sucked. The keyboard required weird amounts of force. The touchscreen was not very responsive. Even with a solid amount of memory and RAM it was extraordinarily slow at all times- and it wasn’t like I was editing videos. It was heavy and bulky as a tablet. The kickstand did not feel sturdy.
anonshmanon
I have a latitude 7370, and there is one major flaw that would keep me from getting it again. The webcam is not sitting at the top center of the frame like they usually do, but in the lower left corner. I have video calls maybe once a month, and I either have to balance the laptop in a super weird way, or sit three feet away from it, or my video callers see me from the most terrible angle ever, with lovely double chin and giant boobs in the picture.
Anonymous
This sounds like a feature designed by a man, and not one accustomed to taking selfies…
So Anon
I am managing most of the single mom front, but one thing that I have not been able to replace: someone to lift heavy things (like window unit air conditioners). Any leads on a national service where I can have a guy literally just come in and lift heavy things?
The original Scarlett
Taskrabbit
Anonymous
That’s not a national thing. Ya gotta ask around, look on like the Home Depot bulletin board for jack of all trades ads, etc.
BabyAssociate
Try TaskRabbit
Anonymous
Taskrabbit? I’ve never used them myself, but that’s what my brother did when my SIL was pregnant and they needed people to help move the guest bed out of the room they were turning into a nursery.
anon
I think you’re going to have better luck finding a local handyman rather than looking for a national service.
I have no idea
A friend’s husband or a neighbor? Or do you feel like that’s flirting or crosses boundaries? Just wondering.
lsw
You could also try craigslist, but taskrabbit is more regulated obviously!
editrix
High school kids are great at this, if you can connect with one or two. Ask neighbors who use sitters for suggestions.
Anon
I would ask for handyman recommendations on NextDoor.
Senior Attorney
There is literally a category on Task Rabbit for “heavy lifting.”
NOLA
This is one of the reasons I started lifting weights. I absolutely need to be able to do those things for myself. That said, when I was looking at larger window units that I couldn’t handle (vs the smaller one-room units that I can), there were several options. The place where I bought it offered installation by a local company that still services my window units and I think I could have had something similar from Home Depot. Try NextDoor or ask at Home Depot.
Anon
You can use regular moving company guys. Just call and say you need someone for half an hour and don’t need a truck.
Stars
Upgraded bed to a Cal King and am looking for sheet suggestions! In the past I’ve gone with Sferra or Frette, but ideally I’d spend a bit less (but still high quality, super soft, and deep pockets for the fitted sheet). Thanks all!
LadyNFS
Brooklinen! Just bought a set and loved it so much, we bought another for our king. I believe they come with some kind of guarantee if you don’t like and want to return after a certain amount of time. FWIW I have Sferra duvet and bed skirt and would have gotten their sheets, but I wanted to try something a bit more “economical.” Glad I did.
Stars
Thank you for the suggestion – I’ll give them a try! Did you get the Luxe Sateen?
anon
What have been your favorite gifts (received or given) lately? I need a gift idea for my out of state SIL that needs to arrive by this weekend. I am thinking something luxurious, pretty, or just fun. Budget – $250.
Inspired by Hermione
Oh my god, this just reminded me I have to order a birthday present for my dad. Thank you for the unintentional reminder!
I got a Fitbit Ionic and like it a lot if she’s into that kind of thing. I also got a down mattress topper that I love to the ends of the earth.
anon
It depends on what your SIL likes, but I would do Ugg slippers + barefoot dreams long cardi + fancy candle + a book you recommend + fancy tea. Right now, my dream weekend involves sitting on my couch reading a good book with a mug of tea.
NOLA
Those faux fur throws that are really soft and silky are amazing. I’ve been seriously considering sending my friend who just moved a big pink pouf for her new apartment, but haven’t pulled the trigger. The Barefoot Dreams cardigan (for me it would be hooded) or a soft robe.
Stars
A little over budget ($298), but I’ve been eyeing the White & Warren Cashmere Travel Wrap forever – looks amazing for travel and/or staying warm in the office
SSJD
A friend sent me beautiful Prouna salt and pepper shakers from Bloomingdales, and I love them. Only cost about $50. I bought my sister an umbrella this site had featured (the inside-out one) and would love if someone sent me one of those. Also on my list: gorgeous hoop earrings from Moda Operandi, a New Yorker magazine subscription, an ANDI belt bag or tote. Finally, I’ve become obsessed with the MoMA store online; the clocks and the lamps are amazing, but all of it is pretty cool.
eertmeert
Cashmere anything. It’s so lux.
Ash.
I’m loving UGG throw blankets. They’re closer to $100 than your max budget, but they’re a really nice version of something everyone can use!
Anonymous
Are capris still a thing or out of date? Or cropped linen pants? I lost some weight and need to buy some new casual summer bottoms, but the TJ Maxx I ran into yesterday largely had pants, jean shorts (ugh too hot and not my thing since I was in college), or dresses. I don’t like shorts.
anon
I’m not seeing many true capri-length pants right now, but I have seen cropped bottoms. I’ll share a link in a new post.
anon
Linen crops from Old Navy: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?vid=1&pid=381879002&searchText=capri
Crops from Gap: https://www.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=1011761#pageId=0&style=1051238
What about loose, flowy pants? Those would be lighter and cooler than other pants but still have a distinct summer vibe.