If you’re hunting for a tote for the office, this “briefcase for women” looks great. I like the options of the long strap (handy for your commute) and the shorter handles (more attractive), and the fact that it’s real cowhide but only $140 is great.
There are 7 colorways (including burgundy, always great with navy), and I particularly like the multicolored accordion side, which reminds me of a redweld in the best way. It has tons of great reviews at Amazon.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Some of the reader favorite totes we’ve rounded up in the past include these guys:
Above, some of the best work totes for women as of 2023: one* / two* / three / four* / five / six* (not pictured but also Tumi and Dagne Dover!)
* try this highly-rated organizing insert with some of the less structured bags…
Workwear sales of note for 5.26.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale just started! See our thoughts here.
- Amazon – Memorial Day Sales! Lots of discounts on Amazon Essentials and more.
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off lots of sale styles (prices as marked).
- Anthropologie – Extra 40% off sale.
- Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 25% off purchase (ends 5/31).
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off.
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off sale; already up to 70% off (ends 5/31) – also mix & match sale with men’s shirts, 4 for $249.
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off sale styles (ends 5/31).
- Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19; up to 50% off everything.
- Express – Summer kickoff sale, 30-50% off everything (plus $35+ steals) (ends 6/1).
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!).
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything, no exclusions.
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event, extra 30% off.
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles
- M.M.LaFleur – Short but sweet sale (ends 6/1).
- Madewell – Get 30% off your purchase.
- Ministry of Supply – 25% off sitewide (ends 6/1).
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 50% off designer sale!
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – Extra 40% off all markdowns (ends 6/1)!
- Theory – Up to 60% off + an extra 20% off.
- Universal Standard – 25% off sitewide (ends 6/1).
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 50% off everything!
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code.
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses. (Reader favorite bed brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Memorialy Day Sale, up to 60% off.
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This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Workwear sales of note for 5.26.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale just started! See our thoughts here.
- Amazon – Memorial Day Sales! Lots of discounts on Amazon Essentials and more.
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off lots of sale styles (prices as marked).
- Anthropologie – Extra 40% off sale.
- Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 25% off purchase (ends 5/31).
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off.
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off sale; already up to 70% off (ends 5/31) – also mix & match sale with men’s shirts, 4 for $249.
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off sale styles (ends 5/31).
- Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19; up to 50% off everything.
- Express – Summer kickoff sale, 30-50% off everything (plus $35+ steals) (ends 6/1).
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!).
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything, no exclusions.
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event, extra 30% off.
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles
- M.M.LaFleur – Short but sweet sale (ends 6/1).
- Madewell – Get 30% off your purchase.
- Ministry of Supply – 25% off sitewide (ends 6/1).
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 50% off designer sale!
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – Extra 40% off all markdowns (ends 6/1)!
- Theory – Up to 60% off + an extra 20% off.
- Universal Standard – 25% off sitewide (ends 6/1).
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 50% off everything!
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code.
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses. (Reader favorite bed brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Memorialy Day Sale, up to 60% off.
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- Favorite comfy pants for an overnight plane ride?
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- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
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- I’m early 40s and worry my career arc is ending…
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- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What are some of your go-to outfits that feel current?
- I need more activities that are social, easy to learn and don’t involve extreme running/jumping/etc.
anon
For midlaw/biglaw folks who have been up for partner – what did you do to “advocate” for yourself? Apparently, at my firm, I will be asked to ‘present’ to my immediate peers advocating for why I believe I should be considered, including in a written memo for consideration. I know the general ideas – ability to grow/generate/business; excellent client relationships; expertise and niche knowledge in X areas; but any ideas on how to go about structuring something like this, tone to strike, etc.? I’ve always been one of those “head down” types, so the idea of self-evaluating feels somewhat terrifying, but I know I need to do it with confidence.
Diana Barry
So this may not be responsive to your actual question, but one thing you could consider in addition, what I did when I was up for partner was to go around the firm and pop my head in (equivalent may be quick call/IM etc. in covid-time) to all of the partners’ offices, or set up a time to talk with them, and I asked them if I could have their support for the partnership vote and if there was anything they were concerned about. Remarkably everyone said “yes” and “no”, and it was a good way of building rapport with them ahead of the vote.
Anon
My friend, who is president of a non-profit managed by a board of directors, always says “never put something up for a vote unless you know the result in advance.” Your suggestion is excellent. Work now to secure your votes, OP.
Senior Attorney
Amen to this. You have to know the outcome going in.
Anonymous
My firm has a similar process, except we present to the partners not to each other. Talk to someone who has gone through this process so you know what to expect. Ask them if they’ll share their memo with you. Is there an advancement committee? A staff person in charge of associate development and training? They might be good resources too. I’d want to understand the expectations for what the memo and presentation should address.
In general, you want to cover:
– Why your practice and the clients you serve are important to the firm’s growth
– You have the legal skills expected of partners. You manage matters on your own. Describe major matters.
– You’re a good citizen of the firm and community. You mentor associates, serve on committees, do pro bono or volunteer work.
– You’re bringing in clients, or at least you have a business plan. Describe where your work comes from and explain that it will continue coming in when you’re a partner. You meet or exceed your hours expectation. Anything you can say about why it makes financial sense to make you a partner.
AFT
I totally support the advice above, and also suggest talking with whoever the most recent partner is that you’re close to. There is usually a form for the memo (I’ve stumbled across a few on doc management system accidentally) so you likely don’t need to reinvent the wheel.
Anonymous
If your pitch is in part supporting a particular large client relationship, preview what you are going to say with the more senior partner on the account. You don’t want to later learn that your firm isn’t going to have that work moving forward due to an anticipated GC change or change in RFP process not shared with the associates.
anon
I am on a subcommittee at my firm that handles p’ship promotion. My thoughts are these:
– Know your firm! What is important, focus on that.
– Highlights. They should know you well by now- you don’t need to focus on your body of work, focus on why the time is right for you now.
– Additive. What would you add to the firm through partnership? How do you bring value– new clients, new BD efforts (even if they haven’t hit yet) are obvious. But also mentoring younger, helping manage more robust books, etc. but don’t feature yourself as a service partner– don’t say Mary relies on me… point to the clients that rely on you.
– Client growth. This is an underrated area. If you don’t have a stable of your own clients, identify new matters you brought in from existing. that is new business!
– Explain your warts. Get out in front of it. Don’t leave them with questions on it.
– How will you keep your self busy in the next year or two? Have your plan!
Be prepared to present, and not just answer questions.
But mostly: Breathe. be yourself. they know you and like you. smile. you’ve got this!
Anonia
Any recommendations for sunglasses that actually stay put while running, hiking, etc? Even better if I can get prescription lenses put in. I’ve lost patience trying to make my current fashion sunglasses work. I’ve seen ads for Goodr and Roka, are they any good?
Vicky Austin
Love my Goodrs. Shoutout to Abby and the handful of other ‘rettes who said they were the best – they are.
Anonymous
Piling on to the goodr love. Have a number of pairs–enough that I lose and find them routinely as well as have them strategically stashed. For the price and quality–they are unbeatable.
Anon
They don’t do Rx though, right?
Anon
Goodrs. Definitely keep them in their case when not in use, though, they get scratched easily. But I wear them running, hiking and riding horses and they stay on great.
Pompom
Goodr, and Tifosi. I love my Tifosi shades; they have this grippy stuff that gets gripper as you sweat!
anon
Tifosi x 100000. so affordable too!
Jess
The most important thing is that they fit the bridge of your nose. A style like aviators would have nosepieces and arms that an optometrist could adjust and put in prescription lenses. Unfortunately, you can’t buy really cheap sun glasses for the frames and swap lenses because the lenses are like welded (the plastic is melted) into the frames.
Ribena
I wear aviators and they stay in place really well – I don’t run in them but am perfectly comfortable wearing them to cycle. Polaroid brand ones if you’re interested
MagicUnicorn
I have a pair of Rx-lensed Adidas Kumacross 2.0 that have stayed on through paddleboarding spills, sports, and sweaty yardwork. I love that they don’t pinch or give me headaches, either. They were not cheap, but worth every penny to me.
Anonymous
I have Oakleys with rubber nonslip pads for this purpose.
Anonymous
Don’t run, but have a couple of pairs of Maui Jim Bamboo Forest style that have traveled all over with me. They are a curved style, have a grippy material on the ends of the arms and are super light. Love them.
Reposting from AM
How soon after a baby did your gardening life go back to normal? My husband complained this morning that my lack of enthusiasm is making him feel completely unwanted and unloved. I obviously don’t want him to feel this way, but I’m having a hard time moving past my irritation at having this dumped at my feet to actually get make him feel better.
For context, baby is 5 months old, not sleeping through the night, I’ve been back at work full time for a month, and we have a 3 year old. I did two rounds of ivf to get pregnant, had a rough delivery with a third degree tear, and am still bfeeding. We’ve gardened maybe 10 times since the baby and in fairness I’m doing it mostly to appease him as I don’t totally feel back to normal or really have any feelings of desire.
I’m annoyed that he seems oblivious to all the physical and hormonal changes I’m going through on top of the adjustment back to work and everything. Part of me wants to introduce him to his right hand and tell him to leave me alone, but he’s not normally a self absorbed person and I do want him to feel loved.
Any anecdotes about this adjustment or advice would be very appreciated.
Booties
I think you’re doing amazing, everything considered.
If my husband had said that to me in that situation, I probably would have just cried. Kudos to you for holding it together.
Anon
Someone else said this on the morning thread, but a few months after my first kid, I told my DH he needed to take on more of the parent/ house stuff if he wanted me to have energy left for the wife stuff. I was doing all the baby input (including bfeed) and he was doing all the baby output (diapers, laundry, etc) but I was still significantly more exhausted than he was. It was leading to major resentment on my part, distance between us, and feelings of isolation/ unwantedness on his part.
Because he is a caring adult, he realized that he needed to not just be at 50%, but be closer to 80% so I’d stand a chance of catching up from my sleep deficits and emotional rollercoasters. He took over all the meal planning and cooking, pretty much all house maintenance, all social activities and scheduling baby visitors – basically I just had to feed the baby and get myself to work and back each day. After maybe a month of that, I finally got back closer to myself. We settled back to a more typical 50/50 split so afterwards – me on baby input, him on baby output, and splitting the rest of parenting/house fairly equally. But the key is that I finally had the mental and emotional bandwidth to handle it, and we could then reconnect as a couple.
When I had my second kid, he already knew to jump in without us having to discuss it, so I was able to recover much faster.
TL;DR – If you’re truly partners in life, he needs to step up and take on way more than 50% to give you that recovery space. Some guys are raised to think that doing 50% means doing 150%, but eff that. Tell him to raise his kids better than he was, and demonstrate what true equity really is.
Anon
Not one to offer advice so much as commiseration. Gardening has always been a pile of crap for me, and getting my husband to wrap his mind around that is a Herculean task.
Anonymous
He needs to back off, 100%. Your baby is young, not sleeping well, you just went back to work and are still physically recovering, and you are NEVER obligated to have sex when you don’t want to for ANY reason.
A.
(Late reply but maybe you’re still checking?) Honestly, years. I have to feel well-rested to be able to garden. With our first, we didn’t garden until 6+ months after she was born; I had PPD and was just kind of a wreck all the time. I agree that he needs to take on 80% of all work in order for you to catch up, and even then it was hard for me to feel s3*y when I was b-feeding and still didn’t recognize my body. Our youngest is five and I’d say our s3x life normalized when she was around 2.
TL;DR: be kind to yourself. These are hard times.
Anonymous
I’m an old. I’ve worked a demanding job and had two small kids close together. I’ve been in your position and seen what has happened to friends in you position. Let me tell you the best piece of advice I ever got about this. Have sex with your husband. Enjoy it. Make it a priority. Make him feel special and loved. Maybe stop the bfeeding. Get some medical help if you are in pain, Put his needs before the babies. He is not one more chore.
This is not out of some misguided chauvinistic 1950’s housewife mindset. Do it for your family. If he doesn’t get sex and feels unloved he may just find it somewhere else. The best thing you can do for your kids is not to let them grow up in a divorced single parent home. And I know it’s hard to imagine now but your kids will grow up and leave. Your husband is forever. Put time and effort into the relationship or it may not be there later.
Anon-please
This is such a hard topic! We are going through similar. My baby is 7 months. Due to retained products and resultant surgeries, we weren’t cleared for about 3.5 months after the baby was born, but still we have only done it maybe 3 times total since baby was born? Baby sleeps through the night, we tried for years and did a year of IVF (7 cycles) before we got this baby. We are starting IVF again in two months for baby number 2 but it makes me a bit sad that we haven’t reconnected physically in a regular way yet.
We talk about it and I know we will eventually figure it out but so much commiseration on how hard it is!
KC
Follow up question about the vaccine side effects from the morning thread. My parents (in their 70s) are scheduled next week for their second dose of the Pfizer vaccine. They had no side effects from the first dose other than a sore arm for a day, but my reading indicates that side effects are more common for the Pfizer second dose. Anyone have any idea how quickly the side effects start? Their drive home from the vaccination site is more than an hour, in NYC driving. I could drive them home, but I’d have to take the day off from work to do so (based on their appointment time) and that would leave me on public transit, which I’ve successfully avoided since March. But, if they are likely to start feeling flu-ish during the drive, I will obviously do it. Any advice?
AFT
I think it’s going to be hours to one day later, if it happens. I’ve also seen that older folks are actually LESS likely to have the vaccine after effects, so hoping all goes smoothly with them.
Vicky Austin
This is also my experience, even though everyone at my workplace got Moderna. I would imagine your parents could absolutely get home before they started to feel ill.
Anonymous
I think there zero evidence or recommendations that they would not be able to drive home.
Monday
My coworkers and I were all asked to wait 30 min before leaving after each injection–to make sure no acute symptoms came up. They should be fine after waiting whatever recommended period.
Anon
I have to do this with allergy shots. The 30 minute window is for acute reactions (that would be the ones that are v bad). The annoyance-level reactions aren’t ones that would make it dangerous to drive (at least for allergy shots).
Anon
My first responder SO had both shots of Pfizer. First shot had symptoms begin (very sore arm, shoulder) ~6-10 hours later, feeling the worst (bad headache) about 24 hours later and then rapidly better. Second shot he was feeling incredibly unwell from hours ~12-36. Among his colleague it sounds like he was in the worst ~10% but definitely not the worst ~5%.
anon
My parents got the second dose today. The vaccination site was about an hour from their house, and when I talked to them afterwards, they were walking into a restaurant near their house to meet friends for breakfast. They seemed to feel fine. They’re in their late 60s.
Mrs. Jones
My parents got their second dose this weekend. Mother started feeling bad about 12 hours later, for 1-2 days. Father ok.
Abby
DH didn’t have a terrible side effect to the second dose, but for our friends that did, it took around 12 hours (all Pfizer). I think your parents would be good to drive themselves home.
LaurenB
All of the side effect stories I’ve heard are about 12 hours later. No one is getting the vaccine and getting chills in the car on the way home. (And even if they did, they could still drive, it’s not as though they are convulsing.) It’s more just “plan to take it easy the day after.”
Anon
By the way, all advice I’ve read says that you can take a tylenol or excedrin a few hours AFTER (not before) the shots to feel a little better. Taking a pain reliever beforehand can reduce the immune response.
AnonMPH
This is Wednesday so I don’t know that you’ll see it, but my husband has had 2 doses of Pfizer. He had only sore arm after first, got second at around 8:30AM on Friday, stayed at the office until 2pm, drove an hour to a dr’s appointment, drove home an hour, went for a four mile run (! what an idiot) and then started feeling like garbage around 6 or 7 pm. He felt just tired/achey/and then feverish (alternating between sweats and chills). He had a very sweaty and restless night, then had periods of feeling good and periods of napping the next day. By Sunday he was at about 75%, was able to go on a low key hike for 4 miles or so, but needed another nap. By Monday was totally fine.
I think they’ll be completely fine to drive home after their 15 min waiting period.
Anon
Posting here b/c I know there are a ton of lawyers . . . My sister went to buy a car, which she needs for work, and was turned down for a loan b/c there is a collection action filed against her. She may owe the $ (<$100, it is unclear), but she said she never got any bills and I believe her. She called the collection agency and it turns out that the billing address that the hospital said it had sent the bills to was an address she had 20 years ago, but the collection agency didn't have any more information. We called the hospital and it turns out that a new (so: has current info for my sister, including her address) doctor sent some specimens to the hospital for lab work. My sister has never been to the hospital and maybe 20+ years ago went to a hospital-owned medical practice, but has no records going back that far (so they is how the could have had the old address?). At any rate, the hospital is trying to throw the new doctor under the bus, the new doctor has no idea about any of this, and she can't seem to get any proof of any what actually happened. She just wants a loan to buy a car at an interest rate below 10%.
Any advice on how to untangle? My understanding is that this will stay on her credit for 7 years and it has made her a subprime borrower if not actually untouchable.
Anon
So I’m not an expert and don’t have advice exactly, but it seems pretty clear that she just needs to pay the bill, right? And when it’s paid off, send proof to the credit reporting agencies so they update the credit report, which unfortunately will probably take a few months (this is why you’re supposed to check them before big purchases, though I understand the frustration that these random companies can screw you over so easily). I’m always a little paranoid that something like this will happen and try to make sure I sign up for the electronic systems of anywhere I see doctors or do lab work to avoid this happening.
I recently moved back to a city where I lived a decade ago and saw a new doctor and went to a lab I’d never been before, but they somehow had my decade old address in their system. I gave them my new address, but since this was all happening outside and socially distanced with masks on, I still signed up for their MyChart to make sure everything got entered correctly and I’d get billed electronically. Bonus is that now I can make electronic appts for the lab more easily and maybe someday even get a covid vaccine, since that’s the main way they’re doing signups in my county.
No Face
I would not just pay it off, because it would still be a negative hit on her credit. I would request that the agency validate the debt, and then negotiate a settlement with the collections agency so the agency agrees to fully remove it from her credit report.
Anonymous
I agree — I would pay but would negotiate a “Pay to Delete” beforehand!
Anon
Yeah, my response to pay is definitely based on the assumption that she does actually owe this money. Did they bill her insurance? If not, then that’s another place to take this up (check the EOBs). And I guess I implied that she should do whatever she can to get the late payment part removed completely rather than just pay, but maybe I didn’t make that clear. I assume that takes some effort, so the question is how persistent she’s able to be to get that done. Dealing with our healthcare system is so infuriating, even when you have insurance!
Anon
Contact the Better Business Bureau and report the lab.
So, this is a fun new thing that labs are doing. “Fun.” A few years ago, I moved halfway across the country, let’s say, from Connecticut to Iowa. I started work in Iowa, got on the employer health insurance in Iowa, and found a PCP and OB-GYN in Iowa. These people all got my new insurance information that is from my company in Iowa. I then got letters from billing agencies stating that I owed hundreds of dollars that were not covered by insurance, including for a Pap smear.
I called my Iowa insurance company and read them the riot act for not covering my Pap. Insurance company said they never received the request for it. So I went through old insurance records (logged in to the defunct account) and found that the scummy (expletive) (expletives) at the lab billed it to my old insurance that I had in Connecticut, which denied it because I’m no longer on that plan and hadn’t been in a few years. Call up the OB-GYN office, ask them why they would go rifling through my medical history to add in old insurance. They are flummoxed; the only insurance they have on file is the new, valid, Iowa insurance. They sent the Iowa insurance to the lab.
So I called up the lab. They tried to blame it on the doctor’s office. They tried to blame it on me. They had their lines down pat. Unbelievably, this happened with a second lab a second time, and but came to a screeching halt once I reported it to the BBB.
Insurance pays out a lower negotiated rate. Cynically, I think the labs deliberately send stuff to old insurance companies, get a denial on file, then bill out for the higher amount to the patient.
Friday
Thank you! I have been watching this thread because an IVF clinic that I saw once (six years ago) for a consult is sending me bills for labs I never had done. They were apparently bought by another company and this company is trying to collect old (read: fake) debt. I don’t keep paper records, so I paid the first one (they sent it like it was a collections letter). They’ve since sent more. DH told me to ignore. The next one I get will be reported to the BBB. Their smarmyness knows no bounds.
Anon
She should just pay it and her credit score will go up basically immediately.
The Frenchie is my favorite kid
Untrue. I’ve experienced this for DH. Once it’s been reported to credit agency and written off, paying doesn’t fix it. You must, as a poster above noted, negotiate a pay-to-delete agreement with the collection agency before paying.
Anon
Did everyone see AOC’s story last night? I admit I didn’t see it on Instagram. I saw clips of it on the news and on Twitter.
How absolutely chilling. 1) she thought she was going to die. And 2) when the Capitol police officer showed up and was yelling at her, she didn’t know whether he was there to help her or hurt her.
A vivid and chilling reminder of how awful things have become in this country.
Anon
Also, Ayana Presley found during the attack that the panic button in her office wasn’t working. A panic button that pre-insurrection was tested weekly. I don’t think this is a coincidence.
There’s also something about doors that had always previously been able to be locked having non-functioning locks on the day of the insurrection.
Anonymous
It’s incredibly chilling. We can’t forget the severity of this, even though we’re all distracted with other things, and how dangerous it is to ignore it/minimize it/”move on” from it. The only option is a full, fair investigation and criminal prosecution.
No Face
Occasionally, I think of the fact that a mob stormed the Capitol and beat a police officer to death at the behest of the President, and the GOP’s response is basically nothing. The same response as a pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands of Americans. I saw headlines about thousands of people in multiple states leaving the Republican party since the insurrection, and I am not surprised. Truly shameful.
Anon
It’s so scary. I have no doubt that they were in immediate critical danger.
Anon
I’m a local elected official and in the last year we’ve got some vague threats and I’ve been the target of other harassment (obviously nothing like what happened on 1/6). I was really disappointed to read all the people here saying last week that AOC needs to suck it up because it’s part of the job. It really shouldn’t be.
Anon
Especially when the people who are supposed to be protecting you are maybe not protecting you, maybe working with the terrorists. (See stuff today about lots of security failures that don’t seem to be coincidental)
anonshmanon
I wrote last week that this is part of AOC’s job. Just to be clear – I meant that calling out egregious misconduct of her colleagues in Congress is part of her job who are wanting to move on – not having her life threatened. Just wanted to clarify since I used that phrasing exactly.
Anon
The scary underbelly of Twitter is not as thoughtful as you
anon
I saw a story this morning saying that Lindsey Graham was trying to block Democrats from having witnesses in the impeachment trial by threatening to bring in FBI testimony about the Capitol Police and security failures, which would “drag out the process” and “be bad for the country.” It makes no sense to me. Yes, please, let’s hear from witnesses, let’s hear from the FBI, let’s publicly question and document issues with the Capitol Police and security failures. However long that takes, it seems like it would be good for the country. Sweeping things under the rug in the interest of “moving forward” is how we got from Reconstruction to a bunch of white supremacists storming the Capitol in 2021.
Lilau
Thank you for that last sentence! I’ve often thought the same thing re: reconstruction. The emphasis on “healing” does little good if we can’t both stop the bleeding and clean the wound. (Sorry for the lousy metaphor; you said it better.)
Monday
Race and Reunion by David Blight is about just this! The priority on reuniting the country after the civil war totally sacrificed black people and their human and civil rights, and it’s never been corrected.
Lilau
Thanks Monday! I’m not familiar with this book and I’ll check it out. (Totally agree with the premises as you’ve described.)
all about eevee
The entire story made me love Katie Porter even more than before.
Anon
I saw her on MSNBC last night. I loved the story about when AOC came in and she was panicking and looking for a place to hide – which was totally appropriate in the moment! – Katie Porter calmed her down and said something like “I’m a mom, I have enough stuff in my office that we could live here for a week”
(And then AOC said she wondered then if she’d ever get a chance to be a mom, just adding to the feels for me. She really thought she was going to die)
pugsnbourbon
Me too. You may have read this already: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-representative-katie-porters-whiteboard-and-my-girl-and-i-are-about-to-kick-your-ass
Anon
haha I can say I’m definitely a fan now!
Adult ADHD
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and started a prescription of adderall earlier this month. I’m one of the high-achiever/high-functioning types who finally had an aha! moment and got an evaluation. Prior to starting this medication, longterm deadlines were my nemesis — I would try to sit and get work done ahead of time, but even if I managed to get something down on paper, it would always feel like a disjointed, unfocused process, and didn’t feel like my best work. Whereas, if I let the anxiety build up until right before a deadline, I would enter into a heightened state of focus and it would just come pouring out in one or two days (usually nights, actually) of big blocks of work. And the work product was good. This lead to a situation where I kind of stopped trying to make much progress in advance of deadlines, so I was living in a pretty constant state of stress / late nights.
My hope with the medication was that it would enable me to get to that focused state without the requisite buildup of anxiety, so I could space out my work through the work week, during normal work hours, like a normal person. But, while I’m finding it has made a big difference in helping me sit for longer periods and be “on task” that whole time, I’m feeling like the writing I put out is back to feeling unfocused and disjointed. I feel like I’m skipping around in sections, not fully finishing a train of thought, it’s almost like I’m a little fuzzy or maybe almost jittery(?). So rather than spend 8 focused hours banging out a brief, it feels like I’m spending more time, but spread out over days, and that I’ll probably have to spend more time than usual editing to tighten it up.
Anyway, my question is: for others with adult and/or high-functioning ADHD, does this experience ring true to you? I’m wondering if this is an issue of needing to adjust dosage or medication, or if this is just what it feels like to do work outside of a state of hyperfocus. Or maybe I just need to give it more time to kick in, or work harder on my executive functioning around work habits (definitely yes). I’d love to hear if anyone has had a similar experience, and if so, if you were able to address it.
Pompom
I haven’t been diagnosed (or even formally screened), but I match the entire first paragraph description…it’s time to get screened. Thanks for sharing, and I hope the hive has some great info for you.
Anon
It’s also very much me. I don’t necessarily think that you have ADHD if you’re a deadline focused procrastinator though. I don’t think I have ADHD – one of my kids does and I’m familiar with the screening process – but it’s like a venn diagram, right? There are ADHD types who are procrastinators, but not all procrastinators have ADHD.
Pompom
I should have said in my initial comment that I have several additional reasons to think I could be there, but this happens to capture one aspect.
Anon
This was my experience on stimulants.
Strattera was the med that just helped me think more clearly. So it could be a meds thing, or at least it was for me.
Adult ADHD
Thanks, that’s helpful! I’ll ask about it at my next appointment.
mascot
A couple of thoughts: It could be you need a different dose or a different medication. I was also recently diagnosed within the past six months and it’s taken a bit to get the medication adjusted. Jittery could be too much caffeine. I can only have one cup of half-caff coffee and have to be deliberate about proper nutrition and hydration. After a few weeks, I adjusted to the feeling and didn’t feel quite as jangly. My hyperfocus ability is still there (annoyingly I can still give unwavering focus to the wrong thing) but it takes some awareness to harness it. Were there other things you would do when you were on a deadline that might help you get sharper focus? Did you work best at a specific time of day, did you ignore everything around you and turn off your phone, did you have a specific snack or fidget or playlist that you liked? Bringing some of those things back may allow you to replicate that feeling of flow. If you are seeing errors that weren’t there before (or you either didn’t see or didn’t have time to fix), put some processes in place so that you can work with those as they come. Pills don’t teach skills is a common refrain for kids and ADHD so it’s not surprising that you may have gotten this far with some lagging skills and also some really good skills.
Adult ADHD
Ha, I am also still very able to focus on non-productive things! I appreciate these other ideas, I’m going to think about your questions. Maybe I can try to create a parallel high-focus experience in a setting that is not “starting at 6pm and under considerable deadline pressure.” That would probably be easier without remote school happening across the hall, but c’est la vie for now!
Anon
I have a teen girl with ADHD (really, really late to the diagnosis b/c she wasn’t presenting like a boy and actually has the inattentive type (despite the H; more just the ADD initials). Medication is still trial and error, still at the error end of the spectrum. There is a DNA test that may show which types of meds are better metabolized by you, but our ped poo-pooed it as “not widely available and not widely done”, but I’d try if it is available to you. Trial and error is getting old.
Anonymous
I don’t have ADHD, but have a spouse who does, and part of it I will say is that those of us who don’t have it also focus on completely unproductive things, procrastinate, etc. The medication doesn’t fix all problems.
Bonnie Kate
Asking for a gut check –
I have an direct report that works remote from me, but we still work pretty closely together. His wife owns a company in our industry, and we work closely with her/her company. She is in a position that benefits us by her recommendation. Last week, she and I had a phone call about a project, and we started by chatting and catching up about my new house, and I mention offhandedly that her and her husband (my direct report) should sometime come down for dinner – this would be an unlikely event as they live three hours from us, but we all are normally very friendly. She gets quiet, and then starts to cry and tells me that my direct report left her at the beginning of December. I was completely shocked – I had no idea, colleague had said nothing. I know I handled the phone call with the wife just fine – I told her I was so sorry, and listened to her for a few minutes – she made some pretty heartfelt personal comments -, then we moved on to the project we’re working on. I just felt completely terrible for her, and very surprised overall.
Now, two of my other colleagues (we’re all management/owners) were in the room with me while I was taking the call – totally thought this call was going to be a quick normal call. As soon as it went very personal, they left and I shut the door – but they still heard. So there are a few of us that know this news now. But direct report/the husband has not shared anything about this with us. My gut check says its none of our business, to leave it alone until he says anything. I think that’s right. But is it weird if it goes several months (apparently it already has) and then he tells us, and then do we have to lie and act surprised? Or say we already knew and we’re sorry – that seems weird too? I honestly don’t care that he didn’t tell us – it’s his business – I just want to handle this in a way that is most respectful to him. Thoughts?
Anonymous
Ok, my gut says that you breezily (no rush on this) mention to your direct report that you had a call with Wife the other day about Work Thing and she mentioned you were separated. Sorry to hear that. Let me know if you need anything. (Pause in case he needs to say anything). So, do you have an update on the ABC account?
Anon
This feels appropriate
Anonymous
It is absolutely your business! Your direct report put you in a terrible position. I would say “Jim I was horribly embarrassed when speaking to Susie today. I invited the two of you to dinner post plague and it was clearly very upsetting to her to have to tell me you left her. I don’t care about your personal life but I expect it to not cause issues at work.”
Anonymous
+1 colleague is very much in the wrong here. He embarrassed you in a professional setting.
Vicky Austin
Except that Jim very clearly was attempting to keep his personal life from causing issues at work. Maybe he didn’t think through the implications of OP’s business relationship with his ex-wife, but it really doesn’t look like he intentionally put OP in a terrible position. I’m all for not blaming Susie, who’s obviously having a hard time, but this is way too punitive towards Jim. (And also kind of weird and entitled, like idk about you but when people are going through hellish personal times, I don’t find etiquette-shaming them useful.)
Anon
Eh that feels like a very harsh way of stating it. While yes, the op was put in an awkward situation I do believe that everyone has the right to keep their personal life separate from work, especially for something as sensitive and personal as a separation
Anon
What?! This is so shameful. You don’t embarrass people for keeping their personal lives private. He’s supposed to put work above his own privacy? I can’t believe how tone deaf this response is. Creepy
Anonymous
His work involves dealing professionally with his soon to be ex wife. It’s not private and personal. Clearly.
Anon
Sorry he didn’t think of work when going through a painful life event.
Anon
This is literally the opposite of how a human should behave.
Friday
I think your gut is right; say nothing. If/when he tells you, you don’t have to act surprised or tell him you knew – just offer your condolences and keep it professional. I have a friend in a similar situation and she very much wants to tell colleagues on her own timeline (if at all) and not have a rumor mill spread around. I’m not saying you or your reports, who seem very conscientious, would do that, but the best way to guarantee it’s on his timeline is to say nothing.
Anon
I’d probably try to clear the air. I wouldn’t blame it on the wife, though, as husband will probably be sensitive about it. Just tell him how it came up, that you didn’t mean to pry into his personal life, but now a couple of other people know and he should be aware of it. Just tell him what you told us, and just the facts ma’am! No feelings talk.
cbackson
So when I got divorced my ex-husband was a client of my law firm and it was awkward as heck. You definitely should not reprimand your direct report for not sharing this with you – there are any number of reasons why he might not have said anything, ranging from being extremely upset himself, to having concerns about professional blowback due to the fact that your company benefits from his wife’s recommendations, to just plain not knowing how to handle it. I think you can either take the first commenter’s suggestion (mention this in a no-big-deal kind of way and then move on) or wait for him to tell you and then simply offer condolences and move on.
For the person saying that the report has “caused issues at work” – strictly speaking, his ex-wife caused the issues by breaking down on the phone with OP instead of simply calmly stating that they had separated and moving on. I don’t blame her – because I started crying every time I had to tell anyone about my divorce for the first few months – but the direct report was pretty clearly trying to keep his personal life out of the office and the fact that he didn’t yet share this isn’t something he should be reprimanded for.
Bonnie Kate
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies – I just was able to check back now and you’ve given me some food for thought! I will definitely not be reprimanding direct report. :) I am
positive that he nor wife thought she would break down with me, as we barely ever talk and the conversation was supposed to be fairly perfunctory. In the long run, sure it could affect business, it could not, but there are bigger things than business and despite me caring a whole lot for our business, humans come first and get to be humans first.
So Anon
I am moving from more of an individual contributor role to a leadership role within my company. As a result, much more of my time is spent in meetings. I end my days feeling like I didn’t “really” work because I did not produce anything, even though I gave my advice/viewpoint all day in meetings. The meetings also tend to be front-loaded during the week, with steady meetings Monday and Tuesday (all day yesterday and until now today) with maybe 2-3 10-15 minute breaks, and then 1/3 of day on Wednesday and light on meetings Thursday and Friday. I am struggling to adjust to this change in my work and also how to structure my workload throughout the week. Any thoughts?
Moonstone
I run projects and here is what I hope people think about my meetings: I need you in the room because you have expertise and experience that will prevent this project from veering off course. In many industries, the questions are complex and require discussion. That meeting time is definitely work time, even though you can’t point to what you produced during that half-hour. (This all assumes you are in well-run meetings.)
theguvnah
you’re describing my work life completely. I am finding good ways to meet the rhythm – later in the week is spent planning for all the M-T meetings so that I can be a thoughtful contributor where my expertise is needed; sometimes that means i work more hours on meeting-heavy days and fewer on Thurs-Fri.
This also generally means that my inbox is crowded until later in the week, when i can actually respond.
SMC
Look up Cal Newport’s stuff on Deep Work — books and podcasts. Changed everything for me in terms of taking control of my schedule in a similar situation.
Multiple chemical sensitivity
Does anyone else suffer from migraines with vision difficulties and burning sensations in the face from artificial fragrances? I can’t get in a cab if it has an air freshener or in a lift with someone with strong perfume or cologne and the new challenge is fragranced hand sanitiser. Auto sprays in rest rooms are another horror. How do others cope?
Anon
That sounds like an allergic reaction. I do suffer migraines with vision differences and facial numbness, but my triggers tend to be hormonal (I think) There was a discussion here a few years ago with a bunch of my fellow migraneurs chiming in about how a reaction to fragrance is not a true migraine, and I think the solution to frangrance sensitivity is allergy treatment.
I feel you, I hate how those smell, especially a car that has been smoked in and also has some strong musty body odor going in addition to a “new car” air freshener. Sometimes I feel nauseous in airport cabs/ubers for this reason.
Anon
response in m0d, look up fragrance allergy
Anon
I don’t think the poster above is correct. You might have a fragrance allergy, but it’s also totally possible for scents to trigger migraines separate from it being an allergy (in general, true IgE mediated allergies are pretty rare compared to all of the other very real kinds of reactions people have to things, that applies equally to rashes, coughs, food sensitivities, and migraine). My scent triggers aren’t nearly as strong as yours seem to be, but scents definitely don’t help my migraines and I also have asthma, so I do my best to avoid them in general. I don’t have any solutions besides avoidance.
Booties
Very common, unfortunately.
Oftentimes, this leads to workplace setting up rules about no fragrances as an accommodation.
Fortunately, women wear perfume much less often these days, and fragrance issues are so common that even cleaning companies modify for this.
Agree that there isn’t anything you can do except avoidance and make sure you have an appropriate doctor for treating your migraines. You might benefit from a different/additional medicine to decrease headache frequency.
T
Yes, I have this, it’s awful. My mom and my sister experience the same. Working from home has been a godsend in this regard.
I was surprised to find after having my first child that even Pampers Swaddlers diapers are scented – I found myself writhing in my sheets with a skull-cracking migraine while trying to take care of a couple week old baby.
I find that it is dramatically better if I’m in a situation where I may encounter scent (elevator, department store) that I breathe exclusively through my mouth.
Anon
Do other divorce attorneys find you are getting way more clients than usual right now? I’m wondering if divorce rates are higher because of the pandemic or if something our marketing department did actually worked. We get referrals from employer EAPs so it very well could be marketing get us on more of those lists. I do a mix of litigation types and I have no new car accident cases in almost a year (fewer drivers) but 10x the normal divorce cases I have.
Anonymous
Don’t you read this blog? Everyone hates her husband now.
Senior Attorney
My husband is a divorce lawyer and I wouldn’t say he’s gtting more actual clients, but he’s getting way more calls for free legal advice than usual!
Anon
I googled and found lots of articles saying divorce rates are up. Also, gay marriage is relatively new and those unions are just about at the point where there’s a concentration of divorces in straight marriages (the seven year itch?) so I wouldn’t be surprised if that were a factor.
I think it’s a little dismissive to say everyone here hates her husband, but all the forced togetherness can bring problems to light that were already there but had been able to be swept under the rug before.
In ordinary times all the things my husband and I do to get on each other’s nerves were diluted by time in the office and business travel. Now it’s in our faces 24/7. We’re fine. But I can see how that would be the last straw for couples who already had major issues pre-pandemic.
So Anon
Anecdotally, I have absolutely heard that this is true. Divorce filings are up across the board as a result of the pandemic. If a marriage was rocky pre-pandemic, the pandemic is going to force those issues to the surface.
Anonymous
There is always an uptick after the holidays. The pandemic’s restrictions exacerbate everything — people are sick of each other and never would have married if they had had to spend all day every day together, people have gotten an inside view of who their spouse is at work or when anxious or when under pressure or whatever, people who were cheating either got found out or lost that outlet, everyone realizes that having children was a mistake in the context of home schooling burdens, etc. Probably no one is bothering to wait for the end of the school year. So here you are with too much business. I am not surprised.
anonshmanon
agree with everyone else and want to add: especially over the summer, there was a lot of talk about a reckoning, both in large, society-wide ways and in small personal ways. The big ones of course dominate the news (race relations, which jobs are really essential and what does fair compensation look like, access to health care), but personal reckoning also happened a lot (what matters to me, am I much happier without commuting for 2 hours each day, reconsidering how to spend one’s time and money, and with which people to surround yourself).
Anon
My co-worker recently received a grim cancer diagnosis. She plans to keep working as long as possible while undergoing treatment. I’m doing my best to treat her as I normally would and not asking too many questions since work is an escape/distraction for her. Do you wise ladies have any advice on how best to support her during this time?
Anon
Keep it professional, don’t treat her like an invalid, help her if she asks for help but don’t preemptively step in. Let her be the lead on this.
Anonymous
As a cancer survivor, I would say check in with her more frequently than you otherwise would. I continued to “work” except for numerous surgeries. But I many appointments and tests that I had to accommodate very quickly with little notice. Also, I was a mess for a while, which I couldn’t have predicted and was very out of character for me. So it was incredibly helpful when my partners and staff who knew what was going on would check in and ask what they could take off my plate.
If your co worker is doing fine, she will tell you. But things can turn on a dime and keeping the lines of communication open may be very helpful. I will never forget the kindness of many of my colleagues.
No Face
Any recommendations for audiobooks that could be overheard by young children without scarring them for life? I am open to any genre. Without a commute, my options for listening to audiobooks without little ones around are very limited.
Anonymous
I like everything by Michael Lewis and I don’t recall anything he covers is vulgar or adult-themed. But if you want to listen to smut, you could always use some ear buds.
anonshmanon
I just read the House in the Cerulean Sea and that would have been kid friendly, although some more serious themes are discussed. Same for Piranesi. Biographies could work. The Americanization of Benjamin Franklin was cool.
No Face
Thanks!
Sloan Sabbith
Couple of ideas depending on age- I considered language, themes (violence, language, themes, whether it has explicit romance scenes).
The first few Harry Potter books, Pride and Prejudice, House in the Cerulean Sea (the voices are fun!), Anne of Green Gables, The Shell Seekers, Winter Solstice.
Also a lot of nonfiction if you’re into that would be fine for little kids to overhear- This Is Where You Belong, about making a home where you live, Walkable City, Things My Son Needs to Know About the World, Where the Light Enters by Jill Biden, The Moment of Lift by Melinda Gates, Becoming, A Promised Land (it has some minimal swearing). If you like Little House on the Prairie books, Prairie Fires is also good!
No Face
Excellent, thanks!