Coffee Break: Disco Pansy Earrings

81 Comments

1. I’m being sent to LA for a mediation – state court, complex civil litigation, multiple parties on each side. It’s my first solo mediation. Our client’s in construction so he’ll be dressed casually. Should I wear my suit (I only have one that fits right now, it’s a black pantsuit) or would suiting separates convey more confidence (that’s always my strategy for depos)?

   1. Wear the separates. It conveys confidence and also will be more in line with LA culture.

   2. I’m in construction consulting and a black suit would be totally out of place.
      Yeah, I’m looking for a new job….

   3. Almost none of the attorneys will be in suits. Half of them will not be wearing jackets.
      Wear the separates. Also, bring your laptop because you will have hours of downtime and (if you are scheduled to be there all day) ask lead defense counsel if there is a schedule. There is probably no need to have your client there all day.

      1. I worked in construction defect litigation for 17 years. I’m a paralegal; my bosses may have been more formal than most, but they wore suits for court, depos and mediations. At least keep a jacket handy in case one of my former bosses is on the other side!

   4. I would think about not dressing to far down. If you wear separates, make sure they compliment each other, and you want to make sure to wear a warmer cami b/c of the air conditioning in LA. Men will stare at you if you are too causal, and you don’t want to appear out of place. Good luck to you!

2. I strongly dislike Trump and his administration as much as everyone else here. However, I find it really disturbing that KellyAnne Conway’s husband tweets negative things about the President. It completely undermines her job. If I were her, it might even be grounds for divorce. On the flip side, if I was him, it might be grounds for divorce that she chose to work for him. I think spouses can differ on politics and policy but if you don’t have anything nice to say about your spouse’s employer, shouldn’t you keep your mouth shut, at least publicly? Thoughts about this odd situation?

   1. I think if it works for them then then fine. I don’t think he has an obligation to keep quiet.

   2. I think they are playing both sides to make sure at least one of them has a good income stream in the future. Or they are playing the long-game for some kind of Crossfire type show. Something just seems off.

   3. I have this theory that it’s all a set-up, she’s the one leaking everything and the writer of that anonymous NYT op-ed and so on.

      1. +1

      2. Interesting!

   4. I think they’re trying to set themselves up so that at least one of them can capitalize on however this whole thing falls out and say they were on the “right side of things” all along. Super scummy.

      1. +10000

      2. This. I don’t think his tweets upset KAC.

   5. I agree. It seems very different than James Carville/Mary Matalin, who seem supportive of each other if at-odds policy-wise. KelleyAnne and Husband seem to work to undermine each other publicly.

      1. I still think that when they come home and the lights go out, they still have $ex, so all is still good, even though they may publicly disagree on politics. Dad says that Politics make for strange bedfellows, and by that he must mean Kelly Ann and her hubby, who has got to make sure she is warm and satisfied at night or it is divorce city! YAY!!!1

   6. I read somewhere that it’s a good cop/bad cop routine, and I find that theory credible. He is not undermining her. His tweets are calculated to make it appear that there is some conservative movement that is still acting as a watch dog or a check on Trump, when in reality, tweets are meaningless, and every conservative in every meaningful way is completely enabling and supporting Trump. It’s the illusion of criticism/controversy without any teeth.

3. Weird question. I’m currently in grad school and going back to my parents house in a different state during spring break. I got an interview at a company that has multiple locations. Since I will be in HomeState I asked if it would work to do the interview there, and they actually said that would be better. The interview is about 1 hr from my house, and because of the way my dad’s work is he will probably take me there and bring me back. My parents are fantastic and I’m glad he can do this, but if it comes up in the interview (do you need parking validated, how did you get here) would it be bad to say my dad brought me? Does that sound juvenile? To complicate things further I’d actually be working in LocationC, so the issue of fitting into the local culture doesn’t come up as much. I do know how to drive but haven’t driven on a highway since like . . . . high school. Since then I lived in cities where no one drives. Should I say a friend dropped me?

   1. You’re overthinking. Just say you got a ride if asked. I don’t see why it would come up in your interview.

      1. +1

      2. She’s overthinking because she’s excited and nervous. So I’ll just say: congratulations on getting the interview, and knock them dead. It may feel a little weird to be in that “I”m being driven by my parents” mode while trying to do the “adulting” thing for your own career, but people will most likely not ask and if they do, if you can explain with a big smile and a little shrug of the shoulders you’ll be fine and they’ll like you for that good karma. Don’t forget you’ve already put out there that you are interviewing at a location where you’re not likely to be permanently, so they’re aware that there are some unusual circumstances for this particular afternoon.

         1. +1

   2. Not what you asked, but I would be diligent about confirming that the role you’re interviewing for would not be based in HomeState. It seems like your communication has been clear, but if you don’t want to be based in HomeState, it’s one part of this process where you want to make sure there’s no room for misunderstandings.

   3. It won’t come up. But if it does, “I’m in town visiting family, so I got a ride.”

4. A very loud attorney just moved into the open office that shares a wall with mine. Apparently he takes all his calls on speaker phone. I am pretty good at blocking noise (also next to the copier room, and can block out all that noise/foot traffic with no problem) but the yelling calls are a lot. Anyone have experience with some kind of acoustic panel or sound-deafening tactic to put on walls? White noise machine? Thanks to power dynamics, asking him to be quieter is not an option.

   1. I really think you should ask him to not make calls on speaker phone. That’s not an unreasonable request in an open office.

      1. I got the impression that the office is a closed room, and that “open” in this case meant “available”.

         I think a White Noise machine is a good idea. It’s what my therapists’ offices use. Yes, plural therapists.

         1. Lol. Plural therapists. I sometimes think that’s what I need (I do have one, FWIW).

         2. Thanks for clarifying! Open meant available in this case, we do have doors. I’m usually an open door person unless I am on a call.

      2. Wait does open = available or open = no doors?

   2. I think the best you can do is close your door when he’s on the phone. I think it’s hard to say anything about speaker if someone has an office. Hanging stuff on your walls should help. You can also do noise canceling headphones

   3. No experience with acoustic panels, but I do think that might be more of the useful direction than white noise machines. I would definitely add a noise machine, though, as it will help…but maybe not as much as the panels. When choosing a noise machine, I have a Dohm and like the sound it makes, but it does not get very loud. The H*medics one gets much louder and is much cheaper.

   4. This is my situation except the reverse– the loud people were here before me, so I don’t really have a leg to stand on. A named partner takes his calls on speaker phone with the door open, but he isn’t in the office most days. Another attorney does not take her calls on speaker (so she thinks they’re not disruptive) but is on the phone the whole day and is very loud. Sometimes she thinks to close the door, sometimes not. Closing my door helps some but not all of the problem. I sometimes use noise cancelling headphones and have also noticed that if I have music on in my office, I often pay attention to that music more than the people screaming around me.

   5. DH is a musician, and has acoustic panels in his home studio. When he speaks in a normal voice from within the room to me outside of the room, I can’t hear a g*ddamn thing he says. Acoustic panels totally work!

   6. You can’t ask him not to use his speaker phone because that’s just basic office. When I had this issue in my last office, the building people came and put insulation in the duct work – apparently I was hearing my neighbor (and he was hearing me, not great because he reported to me) through the heating vent.

      I definitely closed my door before conference calls, which I was on ALL DAY LONG (so asking me not to use speakerphone would have been a non-starter), because it bugged the people in the cubicles outside my door. If I got an unexpected call and it was on speaker, very often someone from a cubicle would get up and shut my door for me.

   7. Maybe suggest a headset? I like to be hands-free on the phone but speaker is not an option in my office.

5. From this morning, if you are in your 40s and juggling a busy life and have maintained your clothes size for a while, what are things that you think contribute to this?

   I just ate what I normally ate through my teens, 20s, 30s. Now, I feel like I am ballooning (up 2 sizes in underwear!) even though I haven’t had any major changes in diet or health. It’s just for vanity — I am OK with my prior size or current size, but I don’t want to keep doing this. I just want to stop the sliding so I can be this size (or prior size) for the rest of my 40s and beyond.

   1. Genetics, mostly

      1. Yep.

   2. Feel free to get a check-up at your doctor. And also ex.er.size. so to speak.

   3. Genetics, mindful and intuitive eating of whole foods, & biking to work. A husband who is really into exercise and eating healthy helps; I’ll never be the athlete that he is but it normalizes a healthy lifestyle.
      I don’t like cardio in general, but biking to work builds it into my routine and makes me feel like I’m avoiding traffic or being smashed into a subway car.

   4. I’m 49 and have maintained my weight (5’6, 130) with a few 7 pound fluctuations in either direction over the decades. I have had to make adjustments almost every decade. First, unless I am actively running or swimming, exercise does not really allow me to eat more, meaning 4 barre classes a week do not burn calories to the point that I can eat more and not gain weight. Over the years I’ve had to cut out most pasta, pizza, french fries, potato chips, and beverages containing calories except for special occasions. I rarely drink alcohol and when I do, it is limited to a couple of glasses of wine. I try to never eat anything pre-sweetened. So, for example, plain yogurt or oatmeal plus my own toppings. I try not to get the meal deal anywhere (i.e. just a sandwich and drink or salad and drink, not the sandwich/salad, side or drink). I have things with me to eat when I am very hungry – protein bar, banana, etc. If I REALLY want something, I go ahead and eat it but make sure I REALLY want it. Artificial sweeteners do not agree with me so I never eat those. Finally, I started running a year ago and 15-20 miles a week helps a lot.

      1. You are very focused and I applaud you for your ability to eat a lot of fatty stuff, and not have a huge tuchus at your age At 49, superkudos to you! I think there is some good genes in there for you, but you do have a plan which you stick to and I hope to keep my own tuchus in check b/c I also love fatty foods and corn beef, that make it very hard for me to keep svelte, and I am still under 40. FOOEY!

   5. One thing to consider if your diet includes processed items or take-away (or even seemingly non-processed items) is that even though your food choices may be the same or similar to those in your twenties and thirties, the actual content in the foods may have changed, fooling you.

      You may be eating a lot more sugars and “fillers” than you think, even though you’re still just buying simple things like deli meats, tomato sauce or bacon. Those hidden items, along with a general portion size creep the last twenty years, will add up. But some is probably just ageing.

   6. I have been able to maintain my dress size and weight (plus or minus 5 pounds ) over the last two decades. Here is what has worked:

      1. I do not eat as much as I used to. I do IF and eat between 1 – 8 pm. I’m just not as hungry anymore and don’t feel the need to eat that much.

      2. No sodas or sweet drinks ever. I drink tea with no sugar, and maybe a glass of wine every couple of weeks.

      3. I try and do some physical activity every day. I don’t always manage, but even just walking 20 minutes a day during lunch is better than nothing. I also do strength training a few days a week, which helps with tone.

      I agree that some of this is genetics and while it is definitely harder as I got into my mid 40s, I’m managing to maintain my weight.

   7. I lost 10 pounds and have kept it off for six months by making one simple change: drinking black coffee instead of coffee with cream, and not eating until lunch time (i.e., intermittent fasting). It’s the easiest change I’ve ever made, and now black coffee tastes much better to me than coffee with cream (too sweet/lukewarm!). Good luck!

6. I am scheduled to be recognized for my 10-year-anniversary with my employer, and I would really rather skip it. I’ve twice been nominated for performance awards I didn’t get, I have successfully taken on a ton of additional responsibility this past year that was not recognized in my performance review, and I have been advised it’s not yet time to request a promotion even though I am already doing the job. Meanwhile, others repeatedly receive performance awards and superior ratings, even though I am working twice as hard, bringing in much more revenue, and handling much more responsibility, risk, and public exposure. I find the idea of being applauded merely for surviving 10 years, when no one has ever recognized the actual work I do, humiliating. Am I off base here?

   1. Get over it. No one cares this much. It’s way more attention grabbing to make a fuss.

      1. Honestly, I agree with this. If they cared, they would have given you the recognition you deserved way earlier.

   2. Sounds like you have an appt and will be unable to attend. Dentist or eye doctor are easy excuses if people are snoopy.

      1. Totally understand the sentiment but not going is unlikely to improve your chances for advancement. Suck it up and go.

         1. I disagree – these things are not that big a deal, particularly for the smaller milestones that more people achieve, and people have conflicts with them all the time. I didn’t go to my 5 year or 10 year anniversary celebrations and nobody noticed or cared. She should not go around telling people “I’m annoyed that I don’t get performance recognition, so I’m skipping this!” But I think it’s perfectly fine to have a vague conflict, even if people suspect the real reason she didn’t show up is because her pride was wounded.

   3. I can definitely understand being cranky in your shoes, but if you are interested in cultivating goodwill at your current company, I would go. I think it’s silly (usually and to some extent) to recognize longevity of employment at any specific employer but also think it is valued by others to the point that it may be useful for you to grin and bear it. If you really don’t want to go, though, and don’t care about cultivating goodwill, then, sure, skip it. An appointment or preplanned and paid for vacation are good excuses.

   4. Nope, I totally understand your feelings and I wouldn’t want to be “honored” either. I would also have an “out of office appointment” or “long-planned vacation” scheduled on that day.

   5. I don’t think you’re off base, but I think for political reasons you should suck it up and then have a drink after.

      1. Do you get to make a speech? Because that could be a good opportunity to throw some subtle shade… “it’s been a great 10 years, I’m especially happy that (top achievement) went so well…”

   6. sounds like you should be looking for a new job – I can understand not wanting to attend a “recognition” event when you don’t feel you have been fairly recognized for years…..

      1. +1

7. This is a weird question, but legitimate I assure you. Has anyone ever euthanized a pet fish? We’ve got a betta fish that is deteriorating. It’s been swimming on its side for months now- we treated for swim bladder a couple of times and that didn’t help. But, it kept eating and seemed ok. For the past few weeks, it’s been looking increasingly less vivid in color and seems to be struggling to chase down the food. I feel like it is suffering and we should look at a humane option. And this is technically my kid’s fish (we’ve dealt with dead fish before so I’m not too worried about the loss part)
   Of course, its algae eater tankmate is doing great so I’m not free of fish for a while.

   1. Looks like there is lots of info on Google. I searched “euthanize fish”

   2. Speaking as an aquarium hobbiest, there are a few commonly used methods. The only one that is for sure humane is to very swiftly take the fish out of the water and decapitate it with a sharp knife. You have to have sure hands and a strong stomach though, because hesitation or bad aim makes the whole thing traumatic and inhumane for both of you. If you’re capable of this, wearing latex gloves gives you better grip on the fish.
      Other methods are iffy because we don’t really understand what any of it feels like for the fish. Moving it to a container with a hefty dose of vodka or tea tree oil in the water is sometimes done. Or placing it in a small cup of water in the freezer. In theory these are supposed to be comparable to an overdose of anesthesia, but there’s no way to know that they aren’t actually quite painful. If the fish seems to be suffering now though, they will at least be quicker than letting it just slowly deteriorate.

      1. Thank you. I mentioned to my husband that we might need to take action and he said he said he could take care of it swiftly (I guess growing up fishing teaches you something). And of course the fish perked right up tonight and looked better than it had in weeks.

   3. Yes, I have. I used clove oil.

8. Looking for input on “slide in” ranges vs. standard and ranges with double ovens, not the wall double oven, but a range that has 2 ovens – like the LG one. We are remodeling the kitchen and considering a slide in with double oven so we can cook the turkey and the sides separately. Any input on favorites or what to consider is much appreciated.

   1. I had a GE profile range with two ovens, one large and one small, both below the stove top, and I loved it. The smaller oven was great for warming plates on an everyday basis

      1. OP here, thank you! Great to get a recommendation on a model….

   2. I have one of the ranges with two ovens and LOVE IT. I live alone and do 100% of my baking/roasting in the smaller top oven but love the flexibility of having two ovens if I need them, like around the holidays.

9. Reposting from weekend thread for more advice (and sorry to the undecided-on-kids folks who may read this, this is definitely not going to help):

   For those who have gone to couples’ therapy, what were the major outcomes for you? DH and I have been having trouble since our child was born. We used to be the couple who did everything together and genuinely enjoyed and sought out shared experiences. Since kiddo was born (now 3), things have been really different. Originally, I had insisted on splitting up chores because I was so, so exhausted and had some intense health issues at the same time (not related to childbirth). Like, we used to always go grocery shopping together and it took me some months convincing DH to start doing shopping on his own. On the weekends, kid being too small to do things or in the middle of a nap, one of us stays home while the other does hobbies or errands. We’re now at a place where our only interaction most days is dinner as a family. The major effect is that we don’t really talk about anything and it seems any time we have a conversation, regardless of the subject, it explodes into some sort of an argument with each party seemingly wondering WTH the other person is thinking. I imagine this is what’s called “growing apart”. So, clearly we need more touchpoints and/or to figure out if we’ve really obtained conflicting values in the last three years. I’m sure I’m missing something about this situation too, so I’d love to hear about others’ experiences. My question is: is this something that therapy would be useful for?

   1. Yes. Therapy to me is useful anytime you have a shared goal (wanting to be closer) and despite trying to figure it out on your own, you haven’t been able to and think an outsider might have helpful insight.

   2. Agree therapy would be helpful here, but I think you can start working on some of these things on your own. The fact that you are not doing chores together should not be why you’re growing apart and doing chores separately is something many (if not most) married couples do regardless of whether they have children. My suggestion would be to spend more time with kiddo together and to also carve out some sort of date night or date time– even if it’s something as simple as watching an hour of Netflix with each other a few times a week.

   3. I’m not sure I’d call it just “growing apart” if every conversation explodes into an argument. I think of people growing apart when they have separate interests and become more roommates and co-parents vs friends and lovers, but it doesn’t necessarily entail loss of civility. Either way, I think therapy would be helpful in your situation.

      I can tell you as one data point that DH and I have a toddler and yes, it can be a stressful season of life, but we still do a ton together and as a family. DH mostly grocery shops by himself on a weekend while I stay home with the baby (often during a nap), but when the baby is awake, generally we’re doing stuff as a family (library, children’s museum, playtime at home, running errands as a family, going to restaurants as a family). The exception is weeknights when one person is usually cooking/tidying up the kitchen/doing dishes while the other person is watching the baby and doing the bedtime routine. It is definitely a bit of a slog from the time we get home and relieve the nanny (5 pm) until the baby is in bed (usually around 8 pm) – that window usually feels like endless chores and baby-wrangling, although it was usually a bit of a slog even pre-kid. We are not (and never have been) big “date night” people, but we do a lot of weekday lunches together and spend quality time together at home after the baby goes to bed. We schedule gardening so it happens weekly. I don’t feel all gushy and starry-eyed about him all the time, but generally I do feel very content in the marriage.

      1. This is what I envision for me after I have a child. Once I give birth, I will focus on my kids, but still reserve some time weekly for marital coupling.

   4. I think counseling sounds useful but in the meantime, have you read the Gottmann book And Baby Makes Three? I read it while pregnant and need to revisit it but I remember some of the discussions being really helpful. I also listened to a podcast years ago with Adam Gopnik about laughter, loyalty, and lust and it was a really interesting and kind approach to relationships that were in a difficult space.

   5. I don’t have any specific story on couples’ therapy, although it sounds like this could be something couples’ therapy would help with.

      I do think having young children can be very hard on a marriage. All your time is taken up with working and parenting and doing housework, and there’s not much time leftover for either “me” or “us.” Often, there’s not much money leftover for things like couples’ therapy, date nights, hobbies, or babysitters that would allow you to actually do any of those things.

      DH and I read some stuff from The Gottman Institute and spent a few months having the “State of the Union” meetings once per week, which are outlined on the TGI website. They really helped us get over the part where each of us was wondering WTH the other person was thinking and resolving conflict.

      Also, start doing some activities together as a family. You don’t say what your hobbies are, but is there any way to involve your kid in them? If not, you can include your kid in family outings, including errands, and trips to casual restaurants, etc.

      Finally, DH and I find ways to spend time together without our kid and without babysitters. (We still get babysitters occasionally, but we need more regular one-on-one interaction.) We might sit in the backyard or at the park while Kiddo plays, put on a movie and retreat to another room, or play a game together after Kiddo goes to bed. The smaller, shorter interactions add up.

   6. Counselling sounds like a good idea, which you know. No personal experience there.

      However, I went the self-help book route (in different circumstances, but including conflict). I have 2 I would recommend:

      The Seven Principles of a Highly Effective Marriage – this book, IMO, is all about getting couples to reconnect and reignite the bond/spark that brought them together. There are lots of detailed exercises to work on with your partner that seemed likely to be effective. Reconnecting/distance wasn’t the issue I was looking for help with so I didn’t try this stuff personally.

      Stop the Fight: An Illustrated Guide for Couples – this book was relationship changing for me. It helped my understand conflict, cycles of conflict, what my partner says vs what he means, etc. etc. It also seemed to “get” me and my relationship (two high achieving/assertive people in a relationship, versus an assertive/passive dynamic dynamic). Since you mentioned conflict was a problem, I’d check this out.

   7. Yes, counseling sounds useful. I would look for a Gottman-trained counselor. But I think ultimately, a big part of the issue is going to be figuring out how to regularly spend time together without your kid. It’s one thing when you have an infant who doesn’t understand what you are saying; but as kids grow, it becomes difficult to connect as a couple with the kid in the room. I’m not talking about arguing, just about having time when you can share adult conversation and perhaps the occasional innuendo without having constant interruptions or editing the conversation to make it kid-appropriate.

      This is why people do date nights, but there are other ways to build it in. A nightly beer together after your kid is asleep can go a long way, or all going to the park together so you and your husband can chat and drink coffee while the kid runs around with other children. Or maybe you need to think big and leave the kid with someone for a weekend or even a week, to really have time to reconnect.

   8. Not married and don’t have kids, so my input here is worth as much as you’re paying for it. Don’t you spend time with your husband with your kid? Or is it just time for the two of you you’re worried about? If the two of you used to seek our new, fun experiences, why not keep doing that but look for things you can do with your toddler?

   9. Echoing what everyone says about therapy. I don’t know if any of your arguments revolve around parenting, but that can be a big source of conflict. You both know that you want to raise a great kid. That doesn’t mean that you come at it with the same experiences, background, or skill. So it can be easy to interpret different techniques or novice skills as some big issue that you now don’t agree on and one that you get really passionate about. It takes a lot of communication to stay on the same page. And then it’s easy to lose the adult part of the relationship because all your energy is focused on the parent and professional/work roles. That adult part is as important as the other parts so you have to make standing time to focus on the two of you.

10. Piggybacking on the women over 40-can’t-lose-weight discussion this morning – has everyone tried more fat? I feel like that might be lacking in my own diet (in that book Lean Habits she suggests 15g of good fat at every meal, like avocado or EVOO) and I’m going to start making an effort to add more.

    1. I am the 49 poster from above and have always eaten a ton of fat – avocado, nut butters, olive oil and (limited) real butter.

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