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What are your favorite spots for summer hats, readers? This fedora from Ann Taylor looks absolutely delightful — I Like the unusual navy, and the little embroidered lemon is a lot of fun. I'd wear it on weekend errands with a really basic outfit like a white tee and cutoffs; if you're walking to work I think it could go with most work outfits as well.
(They also have some nice white hats if you prefer the more usual look…)
The hat is $59.95 full price at Ann Taylor.
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
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- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
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- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
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- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anonymous
Any OBGYN (specifically GYN) recs in N. Va? I’d prefer the McLean/Tysons area, but really I’d drive out to Fairfax or go to DC or Arlington for a good rec. Looking for a female MD; I know lots of the NPs/PAs are good too, but having never gone in before I’m thinking just go to an MD. Also looking for someone who is gentle, quick, and non judgmental as possible about it all.
Back story – I’m from another country/culture, where women don’t go to the OBGYN basically until they’re pregnant. So I’m older and haven’t gone since I’ve never been pregnant, yet I’m also getting to an age where I feel like I have some minor concerns that could just be perimenopause but I’d like to run them by someone. I’d prefer someone who’d be kind about the fact that I’m not gardening as an unmarried religious person. In recent years getting healthcare in the area, I’ve had providers be kind of rude or puzzled when I say I’m single/have no kids; when it’s a PCP, I can ignore it but with a GYN I feel like it could get awkward if they act like I’m strange. But then I was talking to a friend back home about this who was like – GYNs see way stranger things that someone who simply isn’t gardening so go get checked and don’t let that stop you.
Anon
I am not local, so do not have a specific recommendation for you. Just know that a good doc will not be judgmental and you should bring with you any and all GYN questions you can think of. If you have never had an exam, talk to your close friends about it to get a feel for the experience. I hope you get a good recommendation. You’ll be fine!
j
It would be a schlep for you, but I LOVE Dr. Loveland at Bloom OB/GYN in Tenleytown. She has never been anything but understanding of any questions or issues I’ve raised with her and have referred a few friends (with varying repro health histories and backgrounds) who have also had great experiences with her.
Anon
Will second her! Also, if you tend to use your GYN as a PCP like I do, she’s very good at playing that role. She was super helpful when I had some sudden weight gain (and broached it in a kind manner – like, are you alright, anything I can help with, etc) that turned out to be tied to another med I was on.
Anon
I so hope you see this: Dr. Maciulla in McLean. I haven’t seen her in 8 years, but it’s stuck with me that she was that fabulous of a doctor that I continue to recommend her. She’s passionate about women being about more than babies, so she only does gynecological care, not obstetrics, too. She’s no-nonsense, will tell it to you straight, but is so compassionate and totally on your side for whatever you need or want.
https://www.annandaleobgyn.com/doctors/lori-j-maciulla-md/
Formerly a Virginian
I moved from NOVA, but for the 9 years I was there I loved Dr. Amy Porter at Healthcare for Women. I saw her at the office at Virginia Medical Center in Arlington. Always clear and understanding, and I saw her after I had kids and she was good with non-baby issues. https://healthcareforwomenpc.com/doctor/dr-amy-e-porter/
Anon
I went to Healthcare for Women for years and didn’t realize how terrible they were until I started seeing Dr. Sara Holmberg with Inova. Dr. Holmberg really listens to you and cares about you as a person. I had no idea what it was like to go to a gyn that thinks of you as more than just a box to be checked until I saw her!
McLean Anon
Sorry for chiming in late Kimberly Campbell-Arrendell with Inova in McLean – she has a great manner with patients.
Anon
I have never warmed to the fedoras on women look, and my husband absolutely hates it. I am always looking for my next wide brimmed hat, though. If anyone has bought one recently that they love, I’d appreciate a link!
Anon
Agreed…fedoras are a crime against humanity. They give off strong incel vibes on men. And for women…idk maybe someone who thinks they can sing but can’t? Like early 2000s waiting in line to audition for American Idol vibes.
anon
Huh? The Fedora is a very classic hat shape that has been around for ages. Minus the brief hipster trend of sporting them. Don’t know how you manage to attach such negative descriptions of the people who wear them.
Anon
They are definitely associated with incels and you can think that’s fair or not, but it doesn’t change the fact that the connection exists!
Anonymous
The incel Fedora connection really is a thing. It’s sad, but it has ruined Fedoras as a possible current fashion statement for non-creepies.
Anonymous
where does the incel/fedora connection come from? one of my sons is hanging out with a new friend who always wears a fedora (they’re 10, but i wonder if it means he’s down some nasty internet rabbitholes).
anon
This has me cracking up. Hasn’t ruined a doggone thing for me. I’ll keep wearing mine. Carry on.
Duckles
I’ll throw out straw summer fedoras on men don’t have the same connotation to me as felt fedoras if it makes you feel better?
Cornellian
I would agree with this. Straw fedoras seem as practical as any other summer straw hat, but any other fabric is a red flag for me. To be fair, I wear ugly hiking hats to stay out of the sun sometimes, so I have no room to talk.
Anon
Girls in fedoras = Trey Kennedy comedy sketch. Forever and ever linked in my mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RPQJ_m3Qf8
Anon
Hahahaha
Anon
nOt LiKe OtHeR gIrLs
Anonymous
I do not think hats with a flat brim are flattering on many people. A brim that dips down a bit in front and back is much more becoming.
anon
Huh, and here I thought it was a cute-ish way to protect my face. I’ve never attached any deep meaning to it; I know that wide-brimmed hats look very odd on me (smallish face, short hair).
Anon
I also think they’re cute, not creepy (I think it’s a classic style but to the extent it’s tied to a specific thing I most associate it with 1980s detective shows) and personally I think they’re way more flattering on my body than floppy wide brimmed hats.
Anonymous
+1 I cannot wear those wide-brimmed hats. they remind me of the amish or something.
pugsnbourbon
This hat looks weirdly juvenile to me. I’m not sure if it’s the color or the cutesy embroidery but it looks like an Easter hat that got confused.
Duckles
Anthro has a ton of cute hats right now; I do think hats are something you need to try on in person. Agreed with the other poster that totally flat is hard to pull off; I bought one online last year and look like a gondelier
Anon
You mean a boater hat? Yes I guess there’s a reason they make you feel like a gondolier.
I like a wide brimmed almost floppy hat, strictly for the sun. I’ve never really worn a hat as fashion, except for to a couple of midday outdoor weddings, when I was looking for a combination of fashion and sun protection. It is really fun shopping for the right hat for a wedding!
Wheels
More hats the better, although I do prefer a bigger brim.
Coolibah are good if you have a big head.
Anon
I’m craving adventure. I have a 100% remote job with generous time off. I own a small condo in a HCOL and am single, no pets, early 40s. I have a lot saved. Not enough to retire early yet (and honestly I wouldn’t want to completely! I like work. Just not too much of it).
I can’t decide if I should do 3-6 months each in NYC and LA just for the experience (I have friends in both cities and know them well. Don’t see myself in either one forever but would enjoy a longer stay), spend a longer amount of time in a South or Central American country, or spend a week each month working in an interesting new place in the US. I’ve lived in my city my entire life and I love it and have built a life here, so I don’t want to totally give that up. Ideally I’d keep the condo.
What would you do? Has anyone done anything like this?
Anon
I’m married to a husband who has an in-person job from August to May and we have kids, so I can’t do this, but if I were single and childless I think I’d stay in my current LCOL area but try to spend several months each year working from a different fun location and doing four day work weeks with a long weekend every weekend to explore the area. I’d probably focus on the US and Europe to start with because I know those places better. Napa, Maine, Hawaii and Tuscany would be high on my list.
Anonymous
If it were me I’d do a chunk of time in another place – like a month or three months; and you could do this a few times a year – as your budget allows while still paying your current mortgage. I assume from your post you’d be working from that place, right? Because if you’re just taking vacation time then I think going for a week is enough. But if you’re going to be working 40 hours/wk, a week won’t be enough to really get a feel for a place. Whereas in one to three months, you’d work doing the day, go out at night and have weekends. If it were me one of the places I’d go would be London for a few months and then also New England in the fall and on a beach someplace, but the actual places are just whatever your preferences are.
Anon
I’ve been fantasizing about moving to Ubud in Bali for a year and working remotely. The rent could easily be $200-$500 a month and I feel like the quality of life would be incredible. If I were you, I’d consider renting out the condo, traveling around South or Central American cities and working remotely in each for a few months at a time. You’d probably save a ton of money on rent (if you’re strategic) and have an amazing experience.
I don’t personally like either NYC and LA (both feel high-stress to me for various reasons) but if you do, that seems like an awesome idea!! Great way to catch up with friends and experience a new pace of life.
Working a week each month in a new place in the US would probably be the most expensive option when you factor in airfare and Airbnb for each location since you can’t rent out the condo for such a short period of time (unless you want to Airbnb your condo during those weeks). Seems like a lot of moving around without getting to really experience each place as a local or forge connections, especially if you have to work the full week you’re there. This would be my least favorite option.
Nina
Would it be financially feasible to combine these? My dream in this situation would be 3 months each in LA and NYC and then 6 months in a South or Central American country. (I posted about Mexico City in the morning thread, would love to do that).
Anon
Ooh, I like this idea a lot.
Only thing is I’m not sure I can work out of the country for extended periods for tax reasons. We seem to have a don’t ask don’t tell policy at work where people definitely do it for a week or two at a time, but it’s not like their address is changing. That’s why I’m thinking maybe 3 weeks in Latin America, come back home, get the mail, check on the place, and then head back for a bit.
The idea of renting out my condo is unappealing but definitely the smartest financial decision. Fortunately, my mortgage is really low so I can afford to pay for it even if I’m not living there, as long as it’s not a permanent change. That’s why I want to figure out my plan so I can budget accordingly!
Nina
Oh yeah I forgot about work and legal requirements and all that.
Maybe a month out of town – a month in town for 6 months? Could be more doable and still enough time in each city
Anon
Yeah definitely check with your employer about their requirements. My employer makes you formally request a change of location if you’ll be working remotely for more than 22 business days, so if I were doing this I would definitely keep it to no more than a month in each location.
Anon
I LOVE Mexico City and it is definitely somewhere I’d like to spend more time. I must have missed your post—heading to the morning thread to find it now!
Anonymous
I have not, but I have a very good friend who has been doing this since the start of COVID when her job announced they would be remote for long periods. She has done chunks of time in various cities as the weather changes, renting air b and bs with 1-3 other people and has loved it. Jackson hole in the summer, then to San Diego for the fall, then Miami Jan-early March, back to our home city for the spring. I am not 100% sure (other than Jackson Hole) how she knows these other people, but all have been single and child free.
Duckles
In terms of how you structure it, I traveled for ~15 months for stints ranging from a week to 4 months in a place. Things to consider:
-traveling for 1 week stretches is exhausting
-traveling for a month or more you really get to settle into somewhere but that’s a double-edged sword, because I at least wanted to start making connections etc and it’s tough to live somewhere that long and not be able to have real community though consistent teams, volunteer orgs, etc. Would it be hard to feel at 3 months in NYC/LA etc like you’re just getting settled and it’s time to go?
-two weeks is a sweet spot IMO if you’re purely adventuring/ don’t have a network in a place
-I was ready to be done about 6 months in just because being away from your things/ constantly traveling does wear on you
Overall super glad I did it just worth thinking about how to structure!
Anon
I don’t have place suggestions. Just coming from a 50-something who is stuck where she is for many, many reasons – DO IT!!
Life has a way of piling on responsibilities and if you can swing this now, by all means jump at the chance.
Dr. The Original ...
I’ve lived in NYC off and on and Miami off and on and some other places too… I think it sounds lovely to pick a place for 3 months and enjoy it. I wonder where your home is and, as another remote worker, I immediately wondered if you were renting out your place while you go, as I wonder if there’s enough of us here to trade homes or something like that. If you end up doing NYC, I am happy to give you a list of cheap local places to check out that aren’t touristy! I also lived in LA and that one was kinda meh for me… maybe worth it if you found the right town in LA that was your vibe. I would also consider cities like Columbus, which is midwest but also friendly with lots to do and maybe a place for the beautiful fall leaves, if you’re choosing based on weather or sightseeing! Happy to discuss more if you ever want!!
Wheels
Housesitting would be a good way of cutting down rent costs in expensive places, if you have some flexibility.
Anon
Is anyone wearing high-waisted longer shorts that are sort of dressy? I have been a skirt person, but the idea of no chub rub in a dressier situation is appealing. And yet feel like they’d make me look stumpy (am neither tall nor willowy) and IDK what shoes would work with an outfit like that.
Anonymous
No that’s not a good look
Wheels
Agreed, looks ok from the front but rarely from behind.
Anon
I haven’t recently, but I think a pair like these would be super cute! https://www.express.com/clothing/women/super-high-waisted-satin-tie-belt-tailored-shorts/pro/03016076/cat1910070
You can also wear longish spandex or bike shorts under any skirt to prevent chub rub! If you don’t like the styles of shorts available, that’s a great option!
pugsnbourbon
Oh those are really cute!
For shoes I think you could do espadrilles or a strappy block-heeled sandal. Mules or cool sneakers for daytime, maybe.
Anon
Megan markle just did this look at a polo match. I thought it looked cute and retro. She wore heels. Looked nice with the fancy shorts but impractical for the occasion.
Ugh single again
Welp, not at all what I wanted but here I am, single again in my early 40s. I’m very very sad so probably should not jump right back into dating, but I also know I need to keep myself busy. I work from home and while I love my friends, I need other options where people don’t know what’s going on (aka so I can just be vs pretending I am okay which I am not). I am struggling to come up with activities that get me to meet new people with shared interests that doesn’t seem exhausting to me. My hobbies include trail running, gravel cycling, hiking, and light camping (I tag along but don’t have my own gear). I am not religious so church activities are out. I already am signed up to volunteer and ride at some gravel cycling events and will be camping with bike shop friends at one of them. I don’t know, maybe I just need to chill, but I am so lonely and I know that sitting around isn’t helpful and I do enjoy meeting new people and doing outdoor things. I met the guy who just broke up with me at a fundraiser hosted by mutual friends and so maybe secretly I am hoping I can meet someone organically again bc the thought of online dating AGAIN makes me cru but how else do you meet single men? I don’t live in a large metro area so the dating pool is a bit shallow. Ugh.
Sorry for rambling – I am struggling. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
anon
Sand volleyball league? Group cycling rides? Local running group?
Ugh single again
Thanks! I have struggled with group rides (and runs) as I am usually not as fast or bold as those hosting and get that I am holding people back or am just plain getting dropped. I don’t ride on roads either (too scared), but it’s a good nudge for me to keep looking for the right groups! Kick myself out of this pity party and just get on with it!
Anon
If you don’t mind sharing where you are, someone on here will almost certainly take you our for a drink.
Ugh single again
I appreciate that! I just don’t want to fall into the I’m so sad and let’s talk about how sad I am all the time trap. No stranger (or anyone else) wants to listen to that bull crap. If there are women in central PA who would be up for a safe public place outdoor casual bike ride/hike/trail jog, I’d be up for that (with offline chat and comfort checks first of course)!
Anon
I’m so sorry. If it helps, this is part of it and you may just need time to mourn? It sounds like it happened recently and you’re still in the throes of it, which I think means you absolutely have the right to not put a burden on yourself of trying to “do” or problem-solve. Reach out to people you love and tell them where you’re at, make sure you’re surrounding yourself with people you love, don’t feel pressure to pretend you’re okay if you’re not, do things you love and enjoy but don’t worry about making sure you never feel pain (it’s a part of the process, unfortunately, and you can’t get around that without repression). You just have to feel this way until you don’t, but you are safe and loved and everything will work out. Let yourself heal and feel feelings and be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be.
Things that help me:
–Journal
–Meditate (if it helps)
–Do activities you enjoy
–Any type of exercise you like (so important!)
–call a friend to vent
–read a lot
Sending you lots of love.
Ugh single again
Thank you for the kind words (crying again hahah). Yes very recent. Doing all of this except calling a friend! My close friends know I am sad but they are all married and while they always mean well and love me and are supportive, it tends to end up with advice like there is someone out there/it will happen when it’s right/his loss, etc., which isn’t what I want to hear right now you know? I don’t actually know if I want to hear anything at all if that makes sense?
I am insufferable right now! Haha.
Anonymous
can you do the “say yes to everything” thing when you’re up to it, and also find a coffee shop or diner to become a regular at?
what about dogwalking? might be a good way out of the house, meet the clients, broaden your contacts, meet people at dogparks…
Ugh single again
Oooh I like the coffee shop thing! We have a couple of local places that I like to support and I can certainly work from them when I don’t have any conference calls.
Definitely also will (try my best to) adopt the say yes to everything approach when I am feeling a bit less emotionally exhausted. I volunteered at a triathlon this past weekend and that was fun and physically exhausting, but kept me busy enough to not be able to think about anything!
Thanks!
anon
How about taking an interaction-heavy class on something? The guys in my beginner level foreign language class were very clearly there to meet people in addition to learning the language, and we pair off a lot to practice speaking. You could also take a woodworking or cooking class if you want something more active. Just pick something you are actually interested in!
It’s okay to be sad. There’s no rhyme or reason why some people are paired off and others are not.
Anon for this
If you have an email you feel okay posting, I’d love to be friends. I’m not local but I’m in the same boat and close in age and would love to be friends. (I said that twice, which is annoying, but I meant/mean it, so I’m not editing it out.)
Claire
Y’all I’m bored. Just in general. I’m in my late 20s, major city, good job with decent hours and great coworkers, rent an apartment by myself, have a boyfriend, just came back from a short international trip with friends. But I’ve just been feeling restless lately. I do have anxiety and a therapist and I’m on meds, and that’s fantastic. But between a more fast paced job and a few other things, my life changed every 1-2 years in the past and now its been more consistent for 2+ years. Which I thought I wanted.
I remember a similar post here a while ago and that someone replied that having a boyfriend wouldn’t cure that feeling, and turns out thats right. The advice on that post was to get more involved in volunteering to feel connected to the community. I was volunteering but that project ended, maybe I should start something else.
Anon
Is it possible the international trip stirred up the restlessness? I’m the almost exact same demographic as you and came back from a trip a few weeks ago. Things felt dulled and boring comparatively for about a week and I was like “This is it??” about my life. But now that I’ve settled into things, I realized the chase for excitement was just a bit of a fantasy (you can’t be excited all the time) and that things are actually pretty great.
Claire
Oh that’s a thought. Maybe it’s not that international trip specifically, but more that a lot of people I know are planning or going on trips, many coworkers have taken PTO to go on trips to Europe etc
Vicky Austin
Yeah, this happens to me every time anything I was looking forward to is over with.
Anonymous
Eh, I felt like that in my mid 20s. I got married. I felt like that again late 20s. We had kids. Now I’m late 30s with 3 kids and life is a f-ing zoo and I wish I were bored and restless again haha!! ;)
Anone
+1
Agree, but for me, I am starting to come full circle now that my kids are teenagers and older one drives the younger one around. Not nearly as much for me to do. I’m not bored yet, but I’m anticipating this starting back up in a couple more years when they make the move out of the house.
anon
This is a common problem for me that I’d love to figure out how to fix. Life gets super busy for a season, and when it finally, blessedly slows down, I mentally can’t adjust to the slower pace. The result is lots of unexplained anxiety that won’t go away. It’s happened in multiple contexts: after a big work project concludes, or, most recently, a super busy season with kids’ activities. Why do I have no chill? I feel like I have to be on my A-game to handle the busy times, but then I can’t seem to slow down in a normal way. Either I spin my wheels trying to replace that energy, or I crash and burn and can’t do a darn thing. Any thoughts on how to fix this?
Anone
Have you tried meditation? Yoga? working out? Meditation, for me, is a good way to burn off excess mental energy. The other two help me calm down physically. Also, I like doing things like online classes to feel like I’ve always got a project going.
Same
This is me 1000%. I just wrapped up a really intense project at work and I’m currently in this headspace. I’m anxious about feeling unproductive, but somehow can’t mentally engage in anything new. I’m craving that intensity again, but it’s like I can’t be “on” unless 200% effort is required. No tips, just solidarity.
Anon
How much do you guys trust your dentist and what they recommend? For many years, I went to a practice recommended by a co-worker at my first job. I liked the office. The dentist (old dude) actually explained what he was doing and in 10 years or so, only told me I had 1 cavity. My teeth felt fine. He sold the practice when he retired, but the new dentist was the same way, pointing out some issues to watch for but that’s it. The office is far from my house, so I tried to look for something closer. One co-worker recommended one office. I visited last year and the guy told me I had a cavity and then tried to talk me into Invisalign. Having worn braced for 5 years when I was a teenager, I was turned off pretty quickly. I tried another office very close to my house that came highly recommended. I visited for the first time a few weeks ago. Dentist immediately told me I had 2 cavities, recommended two crowns, and also a mouth guard. I’m really turned off. Thoughts? I think I will go back to my old practice even if it’s far away because I’ve built up trust with them, which I just don’t have for this new office. I did get the cavities filled last week, but kept feeling suspicious whether they were really necessary. I did have a good friend who graduated from dental school a number of years ago and she confided to me that dentist over prescribing treatment, even for cavities was a real issue, but they need to pay their bills and keep the lights on… Or am I just being really paranoid?
Anonymous
I don’t know what the right answer is, but dentistry is filled with gratuitous procedures… maybe the nice way to say it is that it’s more art than science. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2019/05/the-trouble-with-dentistry/586039/
BeenThatGuy
I have had a similar experience with my practice. I started going to them 20 years ago and loved the hygienist and Dentist. The Dentist retired and a new one came in. I wasn’t crazy about them but I stayed because the hygienist. Fast forward to last year, Dentist number 10 told me I needed a crown and it was an emergency. I looked her dead in the face and said “Hmmm, I’ve been a patient here for 20 years. I’ve come every 6 months religiously. Can you please pull up all my xrays and show me the deterioration of the tooth you are taking about.” Well, you know how that went. Surprise surprise, that tooth as looked the same for 20 years.
I’m still going to the same practice because the hygenist is fantastic. Dr’s come and go from the practice. But, believe me, they don’t upsell me anymore.
pugsnbourbon
Man good on you for standing up for yourself. I would have been way too flustered.
BeenThatGuy
Oh, I think you would have been ok if you learned they were trying to charge $1,200!
Bonnie Kate
This has happened to me in the opposite way.
Dentist 1: My childhood family dentist. Only dentist I saw from age ~4 through ~22. Did my braces for two years, did my sisters as well. DH saw him for a few years. Entire family LOVED him. My mother rarely had cavities, but the rest of us had them fairly regularly – like maybe every 2 or 3rd visit. We all attributed it to my mom having better genes for teeth and also she takes very good care of her teeth. He retired/sold his business – we all were very sad.
Dentist 2: DH and I switched to different dentist who was local. We almost never have cavities – like I think I’ve maybe two in the last 14 years. Same with DH. They heavily use x-rays and watches (although so did dentist 1, so idk). Rest of the family goes to different dentists, but same thing. They are fine, DH feels like it’s not as thorough as Dentist 1. However Dentist 1 may have conditioned us.
We’ve all concluded – because we all LOVED the first dentist and it makes us sad to think he was overprescribing to make money excessively off of us – that there must be different dentist philosophies regarding when to fill a cavity, and that Dentist 1 must have been old school in his approach.
If I were you, I’d just go to the dentist you liked that’s far away. It’s not like you’re going there every week, so for me it may be worth the inconvenience.
Anon
It’s true that they leave cavities alone a lot more than they used to (trusting that they’ll heal on their own).
Dentistry hasn’t always been very research informed. They’re working on it. I do believe the old school dentists who mean well and just don’t know the science are a different problem than the young dentists who knowingly push unnecessary procedures for $.
Anon
I am grappling with this also. My dentist keeps suggesting that we replace a crown, which wasn’t done perfectly the previous time. I am combatting this with extra vigilance in flossing, and I think it’s fine? Last dental cleaning, he poked around that spot literally 3 times longer than everywhere else in the mouth, until it finally started bleeding. Then he tells me that the bleeding is a sign we need to get the crown replaced? Ugh.
Anon
Honestly not a whole lot. If there’s anything they recommend that I don’t want done, I see a different dentist the next time around. Only if multiple dentists are telling me something do I start to consider it seriously. I also don’t trust dentists who push caps (feels like a Hippocratic thing to me: I’d rather get caps from some kind of aesthetic dentist against my medical dentist’s advice).
I really regret some fillings for caries small enough that they could have remineralized, but when I got new decay under the fillings (how is that my fault?) they ended up much deeper than if I had had no work done at all. I’ve also been threatened with terrible outcomes that never ever happened when I declined work. So I decline a lot.
anon
I don’t think you’re being paranoid and I think it’s worth it to keep on looking to find a dentist you trust.
I had bad experiences that made me not trust a few dentists, so I kept looking. I found one who answers my questions and who is conservative about treatment (let’s watch this, this can wait, etc.) and I’ve been in her care for well over a decade. I trust her, but I didn’t trust the ones before.
Clara
I don’t rely on them too much because their financial incentive is to recommend more procedures. I feel the same about some medical clinics as well based on how they’re set up. I had braces as a kid, but didn’t get my overbite corrected because it was only for cosmetics, not medical. I had a orthodontist who was good at her job but had 0 bedside manner.
In any case, as an adult I’ve moved around a bit so I’ve seen a few different dentists. I’m usually told the same thing, everything is good, no cavities, except this one tooth is a little bit crooked. The first couple dentists remarked on that but said its fine if it doesn’t bother me. The latest dentist was adamant that I get something done to it immediately. The previous dentists were more individual practices and the latest a Tend office. I didn’t get the procedure recommended by Tend done and really don’t intent to since multiple other dentists have been fine with it, and nothing has changed.
Anonymous
Yeah I got duped by a dentist when I was like 19 and living on my own, working a low paying job and struggling. Lots of unnecessary cavities, but of course I was brought up to trust the doctor and take care of cavities right away. He tried to sell me on a full mouth of the super invasive veneers where they file down your teeth to little points. Quoted me $40k. They had no problem extending me lots of credit despite not having any credit history and not being able to get a regular cc! I guess I should thank them for helping me build my credit?
Anon
Exact same experience.
Anon
I had a long-time dentist I “cheated” on because I thought it would be convenient to have one closer to work. I have such regrets. My new dentist said I had several shallow cavities and did a bunch of fillings on me. Like I had to go back multiple times to complete the work. When I left that job I went back to my longtime dentist, whom I have continued to see since.
I never had a cavity before new dentist, and I’ve never had once since. I don’t think I had cavities. Or “shallow cavities”. I think I got ripped off. My current/old dentist will never quite say that, but every two years when I get x rays, he says “oh yes, you have all those shallow fillings.”
I’ve asked him point blank if I got hustled into fillings I didn’t need and he will kind of pause and say, “well it’s hard to say, I wasn’t there at the time…” which is as close to a yes as I’m ever going to get.
Trust your instincts and run.
anon
This is the reason we changed pediatric dentists. I did not trust that they weren’t “fixing” things unnecessarily. Especially on baby teeth that are right on schedule to come out within the year. When I told the new dentist about the things the old one was concerned about, they politely told me that they were not seeing those issues at all, which confirmed my gut instinct. Old dentist also was pushing early early orthodontic care and made it sound like they had catastrophic issues. I took both kids to the orthodontist (which happened to be mine as a kid!), and he said that it was way too early to consider intervention, if they even need it at all.
Anonymous
I trust my current dentist implicitly. I worry about her retirement, which is probably 5-10ish years off, but still. Before seeing her, I went to a young dentist just out of school. I probably made a critical, unforced error in telling her that I had been negligent in seeking dental care while in school and hadn’t been to a dentist in years. She proceeded to identify 3 root canals, 2 cavities, and a broken filling, all of which needed immediate attention at a cost of thousands, then she sent me to the front desk to work out extremely high-interest financing. I was shell-shocked and ran away. 15+ years later, I have actually had one recent root canal and a new cavity or two, none of the work that first dentist recommended, and my teeth are serving me quite well.
Anonymous
I trust mine but I know I lucked out in finding her as an in-network option. She has her own dental practice, but she shares the overall office space with her sister, a GP. Anyway, I have a lot of dental issues, and I know it, since I grew up in a developing country, plus generally bad genetics when it comes to cavities. She hasn’t recommended anything excessive, and generally just points out things we’ll keep an eye on for the next visit.
Anon
My growing-up dentist (small town, no options) was rough on my mouth but didn’t sell snake oil.
My college dentist retired and I was so sad because I loved him more than one would think reasonable. He didn’t upsell, he was gentle, he explained everything, answered questions, talked to me like of course I was smart and capable of understanding things.
Mid-20s, I was young and broke and my dentist was horrid. Rough, high pressure, convinced/scared me into replacing a “deteriorating” metal filling (my mom confirmed after it was done that I never had a metal filling) and cracked a large chunk of enamel off a nearby tooth and refused to take responsibility for it. I hated him and was glad to fire him.
Current dentist is a little sales-y but at least he backs off when I tell him I’m not interested in medically unnecessary add-ons. He does try again next visit, though, which I find annoying, but he is very gentle on my mouth and explains things if I ask questions.
Anon
Yeah the dental industry is so scammy. Many people I know including DH have a story about seeing a dentist and being told they have like 9 cavities and then getting a second opinion and being told they have zero cavities. I don’t understand how they can get away with it. There are bad apples in every profession to be sure, but there seem to be more consequences for doctors who do this kind of stuff and as a result far fewer who openly try to scam people.
Anon
Wow. My big govt contractor employer announced they will do mid-year raises across the board, AND lower paid job classes get a bigger relative raise. It’s not huge (between 1 and 3%), but we also get a few % in the annual cycle, so I feel like I am better off than many employees. The fact that they are doing mid-year adjustments at all AND that they are pushing for pay equity is the bigger deal to me. If huge, bureaucratic, inflexible federal govt can do it…
MagicUnicorn
This sounds fantastic. Congrats!
My (private) employer did surprise off-cycle COLA raises earlier this year, too, because they have had trouble finding and then retaining good people who can easily make more by jumping ship right now.
Wheels
Good news!