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Coffee Break: Simon Pump

Kate Spade New York SimonWe did the classic black pump roundup earlier today — these low, speckled pumps are anything but that. I actually love all of the colors this shoe comes in — the pink snake (shown here) is really fun, while the black/gray/white snake feels like a much more sophisticated polka dot. (They also come in a beige and a minty “emerald.”)  They're $298 at Zappos. Kate Spade New York Simon (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

221 Comments

  1. NYC meet up! Wednesday March 27, 8PM, Grey Dog’s Chelsea. Hope to see you there!

  2. Sorry for the TJ off the bat –

    Has anyone ever dealt with interfaith relationships and/or relationships where one partner was a lot more religious than the other? I’m currently in a serious, long-distance relationship and recently things had been feeling ‘off.’ I confronted my partner about it and it came out in our conversations that he is only interested in marrying someone who he is “spiritually” connected to and with whom God will be a focus in the marriage. Basically he wants someone who is as religious as he is. We are both Christian but I’m not really practicing and he is on a quest to become more involved at his church (non-denominational Christian).

    There is a long backstory to this religion issue – it has come up before mainly with me saying that I would be willing to be flexible about the situation and sometimes even go to church with my partner. I do have some skepticism and harbor some doubts about the “church” and Christianity as an institution but I am willing to at least attend services and/or be more open. Basically I feel like he has told me he doesn’t want to marry me. My gut says to move on but I feel like we are really compatible in every other aspect of the relationship. Any thoughts or advice? Has anyone ever dealt with this?

    1. I’m sorry. No personal experience, but I would go with your gut on this one. I had a friend in an interfaith relationship – the guy kept telling her that he would only marry someone who shared his faith, and she loved him enough to consider converting, but that wasn’t what he really meant. Your SO wants someone who is or wants to be more religious. Although you’re willing to be a more active participant by attending services, it’s not the same as wanting to be more religious.

    2. You need to believe this guy when he’s telling you what he wants/who he is. He’s already given you his thoughts on this which are the only ones you need to hear. I don’t think that “God will be a focus in the marriage” means attending services.

    3. I think you should go with your gut. If you are honestly questioning, and can never see yourself wholeheartedly believing, and he is wholeheartedly believing, and can never see himself honestly questioning — well I don’t know how you make that work. Because you can’t force a belief in something and it’s not about you working at it – it sounds like you are open to dating someone you are religiously different from — but he is not. And you can’t make yourself believe.

      For reference, I once was with someone who asked if I would ever consider converting to his religion (I grew up Christian, am not really practicing anything these days, but believe in some overarching divinity, he was from a different faith). I said no and to some extent, I think it spelled the end of our relationship because I think at the end of the day, he couldn’t fathom being with someone longterm who wasn’t of his same religion (and the religion issue had other implications of culture).

      I once attended a talk by the guy the movie Hitch is based on, who quoted some statistic that the number one factor in longterm relationship success is shared religion. No idea if that’s true though and no idea if that would change based on differing levels of participation in the same religion.

    4. I think if your gut is telling you to move on, you should listen to that. It sounds like it is important to your partner that he has someone who truly believes the same as he does, and that while you are willing to participate and be tolerant of his religious beliefs, you do not feel the same as he does. This will probably become a much larger issue if you do get married and/or have kids together. I think interfaith relationships can totally work, but it seems much harder if it is important to one partner to not just have the other be tolerant and participate, but to truly believe.

      2. This. I mean, yes, there are plenty of interfaith marriages that work. Even when one spouse is very religious and the other isn’t. But they have to be OK with that, and sounds like he might not.

        Background: my parents are very different–my mother hasn’t been to a church in at least 30 years, and my father is a very very devout and active Catholic. They made it work, with her agreeing to let us kids be raised Catholic, provided he did all the work on that (signing us up for classes, taking us to church and Sunday school, etc) She always had brunch waiting when we got home from church, and I don’t recall her ever saying a word pro/against the church. ….unfortunately for my dad, all of us kids seem to have taken after her, rather than him. :)

      3. Yes, his acting squirrely and then having to wait until you pinned him down to admit to what it really was is either cowardly he knew this and has been sitting on this for awhile but can’t be arsed to tell you or incomplete when it comes to self-knowledge (who is he really and does he even know?)

        Both are problematic in a marriage partner. I say this as a person in an interfaith marriage — there can be shifts and changes in one’s view on religious stuff over time and the key to managing this in a relationship is doing the work to “know thyself” (in his case, for him to know himself) and also to communicate this to the other person so nobody is blindsided.

    6. I had a relationship in college like this. I was pretty religious at the time in a mainstream Protestant denomination, but my boyfriend was super duper conservative religious. My willingness to drink and do more than kiss really bothered him. I ended up breaking up with him because I just knew that I didn’t want to feel disapproved of forever.

    7. I am very devout in my faith, and even though I never dealt with an serious interfaith relationship, I don’t think I ever would have married someone who didn’t share my commitment to my religion, regardless of how well we got along. It would have been really hard to end the relationship, but, as momentsofabsurdity said, to me it’s more than just a religion. It’s a lifestyle, with many cultural implications as well.

      I feel badly for you, but it sounds to me like you should probably move on, and that your partner is wanting to call it off, but having a tough time doing it.

    8. I have had an interfaith relationship, too–and notice the past tense.

      In my case, neither of us was what one might call “devout”–he was culturally Jewish but only attended synagogue when visiting his parents, whereas I’m a super-involved UU/atheist and am very active in my UU church community. When things got serious, it came out that he couldn’t imagine raising his children as halflings–both Jew and UU–and that despite the fact that he personally wasn’t very spiritually involved in his religion of choice, he expected his children to be fully immersed in the faith. He didn’t see the hypocrisy in this–at least here, your fellow understands that he’s essentially asking you to be someone different. It doesn’t sound like you want to be that person–good thing you know now.

      1. Thanks ladies – this is the exact kind of reality check I need. It’s just really, really hard to end things when every other aspect of the relationship is great. Getting older and starting over again seems…daunting, at best. blerg

        1. Yes, but it seems that this relationship is pretty much over and won’t proceed any further.

          The only question is whether you end it or you hang around with a feeling of dread until he dumps you to marry someone who has what he consider the appropriate level of religiosity.

          At least if you break it off, you have some control over when, and can lay out preparations to make the immediate aftermath less painful. (Plan a spa day for yourself or something restorative. It’s better than what happened to another poster today, whose boyfriend dropped the bomb on her and she’s trying to cope with the natural feelings of mourning the lost relationship AND the craziness of work.)

          Don’t succumb to sunk cost fallacy. You had a nice journey with this BF, and even if you two must go to separate destinations, you at least had the experience of love with this person. Growing older hopefully means that you’re clearer about what your dealbreakers are, and will waste less time in (1)determining if there are any in your new relationship and (2)acting accordingly. Good luck and be well.

    9. I am in an inter-faith relationship now, but I think the main difference is that we both have about the same level of commitment to our religion. Neither one of us wants to convert, but we both respect the other’s beliefs and have the same values. We attend services with one another sometimes.

      I don’t think that’s your relationship, and I think you need to be honest with your SO. If you do, tell him that you respect his beliefs, but that your religion/spirituality is not as important to you. If it’s something that’s important to him – which it sounds like it is – he has the right to know that.

    10. This is a rough issue. I was in an interfaith marriage. My ex-husband was Jewish, but only culturally – he was third-generation nonpracticing, and when I say nonpracticing, I mean, non bar mitzvah’d, had never been to a synagogue, and once asked me “which one is Yom Kippur, again?” (I was in a Jewish sorority, although I’m Christian, so weirdly, I became his expert on Jewish holidays). Our conflict was actually over the fact that his nonreligious family didn’t understand religious practice at all – essentially, they sort of thought of it as a hobby, and so we had conflict over things like why it was actually important to me to go to my church on Christmas Eve (and therefore, couldn’t come to their house out of town the night before for secular Christmas celebration).

      Over the course of our marriage, my husband migrated from a sort of passive agnosticism to militant atheism, with a corresponding lack of respect for and scorn toward religious people, and that was obviously a strain as well. Although I’m unsure if that was actual conviction or merely a passive-aggressive way of demonstrating his scorn for me as a person, because he knew religion was important to me.

      The upshot is that this is hard, but I agree with others: he’s telling you that active participation in religious life and belief is important to him in a marriage. If you guys aren’t aligned there, I don’t think there’s a good way to compromise. You need to be true to yourself, as does he.

    11. I was in an interfaith relationship in college and it ended when he told me he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t share his beliefs. I had no interest in joining his religion, (even if he had wanted me to) so that was that. We were together for a long time and compatible in other ways and I still remember the shock (ah, I was so naive) that religion (of all things!) could end my relationship. Of course, the fact that I saw religion as such a trivial matter and that he was willing to end the relationship over it tells you volumes about how incompatible we really were. Because of this experience, I was always extremely up front in all my subsequent relationships about my beliefs and asked pointed questions about the other person’s beliefs- often on the first date. My now-husband was raised christian and is the son of a pastor, and when we got together, he was a believer but did not attend church regularly. I made it clear from the get-go that I had boundaries on this issue and, for example, would not consider raising any future children as christians. Interestingly enough, his beliefs have evolved radically over the years to the point where he no longer considers himself a christian at all. I think this happened separately from me or my influence…in fact, he has much more “atheist” beliefs on the topic now, than I ever did. So, people can change, but I would never bet on them changing, especially with such an important issue. Sadly, I agree with others that you two probably need to break up, if not now, eventually.

      1. I meant to say also: when you are the less religious person in the relationship, I think it can be easy to see this issue as, if not trivial, certainly not a permanent obstacle. For me, there was a tendency to think: “religion’s not that important to ME, so surely we can find a work around on this!” (just like if one of us was vegan and one of us paleo, or something). I’m not suggesting that you are as naive as I was, but its possible that you may be seeing this as something that can be “fixed.” On the other hand, if he really feels that God should be the “focus” of his marriage, than he likely doesn’t see this as something “fixable.” Just a thought. Good luck to you.

    12. My view on inter-faith relationships have always been that relationships are difficult enough as it is without adding in an extra complication (the religion difference) but if he’s your perfect partner in every other way, you can make it work.

      That said, I know a lot of women who believed the same and when kids came into the picture, find it a lot more difficult than they had previously anticipated. I actually had a friend admit that if she had to do it again, she would marry someone the same religion as her even though she loves her husband because it would simplify a lot of things.

      To be perfectly honest, I’m sort of struggling with the same thing and even though I’m not sure I want kids, my SO is concerned about the effects of religious differences on our hypothetical children…

    13. Do you want to marry this guy? Do you enjoy dating him? I think you should move on if your goal with this relationship is to get married, or if you are in a particular hurry to get married, or if the “off” feeling is enough for you to not want to be with him anymore. But I also believe that not every relationship has to end in marriage for it to be successful.

    14. I can give you the perspective of an orthodox person. While I sometimes enjoy casually dating non-Christians, I could never see myself married to someone who did not share my faith. Not because the guy is a bad person (and he probably isn’t if I’m dating him!), but because my faith is a HUGE part of who I am and someday I would like to be able to pray and fast and take communion with my husband. While I would appreciate a guy offering to occasionally go to church with me, that’s not the same as having someone fully participate in my spiritual life. Children are also a huge issue, since raising my future kids in the church is important to me.

      Again, it’s less an indictment of the non-religious person and more a desire to find someone who’s on the same page as me in something I consider a huge aspect of my life.

  3. TJ: ugh I got reprimanded (informally) for making a joke about “getting drinks afterward” in an interview. The person who spoke to me was not in the room so that means someone complained? I hate interviewing people, I always feel ridiculous.

    1. Was there a potential sexual context to this joke? Because I can see how in another situation (a male interviewer making it to a female interviewee), it would be reprimand worthy.

      1. not that I know of (s–ual context)… I just joked that after a big delivery “we all go out for drinks afterward–metaphorical drinks!” I totally understand that it could be a red flag; in fact, I would not want to work in a very alcohol-centered environment myself. That’s what the kicker is, for me, I don’t drink very much ( a couple of times a month maybe I’ll have a c-tail) so it really felt like I had behaved stupidly and misrepresented both myself and the company. argh.

    2. I’m sorry that happened. I find interviewing people can be awkward too, but if you remember to keep the perspective that the interviewee is also interviewing you, that can help make sure you stay on best behavior and don’t wander into territory that could be considered inappropriate.

      1. Yes, I agree. I find interviewing to be very awkward because I remember being on the other side of that table and I feel sorry for them so I try to be cheery and put them at their ease if I can… so that got out of hand a little I guess. I hope I get better at this. :\

  4. What do you do when all your deadlines collide and you’ve been told none can be moved, there is no one to delegate to and everyone thinks their project should be top priority? It is too late to avoid the problem. Trying to triage.

    1. Okay, the “You are posting comments too quickly thing” is starting to make me cranky. Third try:

      Disclose. Right now. Talk to one or more of the project owners and apprise them of the situation. If possible, communicate to all of them and let them work out the priorities amongst themselves. My assistant, who is awesome, once dragged me into a room with the two other lawyers who shared her and told us, “I am overwhelmed, and it’s not all going to get done, so y’all need to figure it out.” It took us very little time to get her down to two projects.

      What you need to avoid is a situation where someone’s work doesn’t get done because they weren’t aware of a problem and because you are not, in fact, three different people with eight sets of arms. Communicate to them as soon as possible and let them know that you need help either getting things done or getting them reprioritized.

      Good luck!

    2. Rank them by your own hierarchy (maybe based on who asked first/maybe based on the level of the person who asked/maybe based on your time/maybe based on your own viewpoint on which should take priority — whatever makes the most sense to you).

      Then work on them in that order, be up front with people that you have multiple competing deadlines and will get to their project as soon as you can, don’t apologize for it, try to get all the things done, and send people who are angry about it to your manager if they want an override of your system.

      Yes, you’ll probably make some people mad but as long as you are doing your best to get everything done and the “all the deadlines at the same time,” people will get over it and understand.

      Sorry! Good luck!

      1. Oh and agree with the comment above that if they don’t know that you have a ton of stuff and not enough time, make sure you communicate that so they don’t think you’re not doing their projects because you went to go get a massage at 1pm.

      2. Oh and I agree with the comment above that if they don’t know that you have a ton of stuff and not enough time, make sure you communicate that so they don’t think you’re not doing their projects because you went to go get a massage at 1pm.

      3. I think this is (at least in part) “know your office” thing. I would advise caution in attempting to prioritize projects on your own, particularly when those projects are given by superiors. I usually did this early on in my career – who ever gave me their project first generally came first, unless the “newer” project had an immediate hard deadline. That works great, until you find one or more individuals’ projects continually get pushed to the bottom of the stack, or get reamed out for “deciding” that one person’s project is more important than another. I think the safer course is always full disclosure to the individuals who gave you work, and let them work it out. That does not mean, however, that you can’t offer suggestions and/or a proposed priority list – to me that makes it seem less like you are pushing the problem back onto the individuals who assigned you work and more like you are merely looking for guidance.

    3. I think you go back to the people who assigned you the projects with conflicting deadlines and you (respectfully) explain the situation to them and place it in their hands to work out the conflict and decide which project should take priority. Of course, this is assuming that there is a true conflict and there is no physical way for you to get both/all of the projects done by their deadline (as opposed to a situation where you just have to work really, really hard for a few days or weeks).

    4. What I do is figure OUT who the most important cleint is, and do the work for that cleint. In my world, the cleint with the biggest book of business to the firm is the one I sugest to the manageing partner that I should do the work from.

      I also have no one to delegate the work to, so unless I am to work 24/7, it will HAVE to wait. That is what I sugest to the manageing partner, and he always agrees, b/c he is like clockwork — there is no way he is not geting on the 6:07 or whatever it is, every evening on the LIRR. He was the one that told me FOOEY when I asked him a question year’s ago when he was runing out the door to catch that train. “IT CAN WAIT!” he said And it did. YAY!

      This weekend, Myrna and Roberta treated me to a special Pastrami and Corn Beef tripel decker sanwich at a deli in the Bronx. I said there was to much bread (RYE), so I took out the middel layer of BREAD, and mixed up the corn beef with the Pastrami! YAY! It was SO good, especialy with DOCTOR BROWN’s DIET CREAME SODA. DOUBEL YUMMY! I had so much garlic, tho, that I was burpeing all the way home in Myrna’s car, then I had alot of gas all day Sunday, so I did NOT leave the apartement. FOOEY on that, b/c it was sunny out.

      Then this guy from High School, Henry, calls me. I do NOT know how he got my number, but I suspect dad. Henry is workeing in the City, and want’s to get together. He was very tall but also sloppy looking in High School and had very dirty hair, but that was almost 15 year’s ago. I think he was on the Chess Team or the Math team, and he hung around with some other guy’s that were kind of geeky. Who know’s? Mabye he got good looking since then, but with my luck, he is probabley just alot older and alot sloppyier. I hardly think he turned into Brad Pit. I also think Dad must have talked to his dad and now look who is lookeing me up? Henry. OMG! I do not know where he lives, but he called on a 516 number. Maybe he is living at home in his Dad’s basement. I did agree to call him back, b/c I was to busy to chat. When my dad calls tonite, I will ask him if he made Henry’s dad have Henry call me. I hope this doesn’t turn into another Gonzalo type of stalker. FOOEY on that!

    5. To add, assess what components you can provide by deadline and use as starting negotiations. Projects may be satiated by having useful partial completion. (Ie, “I can’t get A, B, and C completed by Date1 as requested, but I can provide A by Date1 and B/C by Date2”).

    6. When that happens, I submit less-than-perfect work :) Hey, if folks won’t bend, they won’t get your best.

    7. If the projects came from people who are higher up than you, I’ve found it easiest to tell them all about the conflicting deadlines and let them work out the priority.

    8. Definitely disclose. I’d recommend sending an email to all the involved people stating that you have X projects with X deadlines and that you need some support. To avoid whining, I’d add in proposed solutions and keep the tone of the email positive. E.g. I will continue to focus on these projects. While I am confident that I can meet all of the deadlines, the product will be better if a paralegal can X and an intern can X.

    9. If you have disclosed the conlficting deadlines and the supervisors who gave you the work still say that nothing can be moved or delegated, I suggest just getting it all done to the extent that it can get done. Work late if you have too. The work should not be sloppy, but it all does not have to be worthy of a Pulitzer either. For instance, if they gave you a research assignment, you can just give a email answer to their question by the deadline with a formal memorandum on it to follow later. Seriously, you can get yourself into trouble if you explain after a missed deadline completely that you had to priorize and that project just didn’t rank high enough.

  5. I’m hoping for some Hive suggestions on ways to update my SO’s wardrobe. He is on board with the idea, but is having a hard time putting it in practice. He has sufficient work (lawyer) clothes, but is still struggling in the nice/casual area. He has good jeans that fit well, and a couple of pairs of comfy but nice loafers, but still wears hoodies! Le Sigh. Does anyone have any recommendations for sweaters/pullovers/etc that look nice but are comfy and would look good with a variety of shirts? I think he has an ok sense of style as long as he has the proper components. Thanks in advance.

    1. Why not get him some long sleeve polo shirts as a half way point, a few comfy/casual (non-lawyer) button downs, 1-2 sweaters that you can both agree on, and a hoodie or two that you actually like. Not all sweatshirts are created equal and if he likes wearing them, why not update his selection? Check out JCrew and a company called American Giant for this (for supposedly the best hoodie ever). I also really like men’s American Apparel sweatshirts (though apparently not everyone likes their politics so ymmv). And get him a nice a pair of non-loafer shoes so that he can dress down without looking shlubby. There are attractive sneakers, boat shoes, or chooka boots for this purpose.

      1. YES to a hoodie from American Giant!!! They are the best-made hoodies I have ever come across and they are completely US-manufactured. Yay! I got one for the Mr. and he LOVES it.

        1. I so want to get one of these – can’t wait until they’re back in stock!!

      2. A good “grown up” hoodie alternative for men is a nice North Face fleece or zip up jacket, as well. Or a cool leather jacket so he can feel like James Bond ;-)

        1. This. My husband lives in North Face/Patagonia/Mountain Hardware half-zip fleeces. Some even look a little more like sweaters nowadays. He wears them over t-shirts on Saturdays, and over buttondowns for casual Friday at work/casual dates with me. In my mind, it’s a little more pulled together than a hoodie, but still comfy. Or another place to try is J.Crew or Lands End Canvas for their sweatshirt material sweaters.

      3. I feel like long sleeve polo shirts look weird, but that’s probably just my hangup. I have no issue with short sleeved, but I irrationally hate the long sleeved ones.

    2. Try J. Crew or Banana for your basic crew/v-neck sweaters that can be worn by itself or over a button down.

    3. My BF is very fond of Banana, Patagonia, and Prana (yoga-type outdoorsy clothes) for nice casual clothing. Don’t forget shoes – there are some very nice men’s sneaker-type shoes (not athletic shoes and not Converse high-tops) out there.

      If he gets impatient in stores, he could consider ordering a bunch of stuff online and trying on at home. I would recommend this only if you can use places with free shipping and free (or nominally priced) and easy returns, or that could be returned to a b&m store.

      1. Aww, but I love a man in Converse. There is something very David Tennant / Dr. Who about it.

    4. My husband recently moved over to some plaid flannel shirts from Pendleton. Gotta say, they look mighty nice over t-shirts. They have a more polished look than the LE and LL Bean flannels and would definitely be a comfy and cozy but finished alternate to the hoodie. Look at “Board Shirt” on the Pendleton website.

      I also like half-zip pull over sweaters a la LL Bean, which are probably a more direct alternate. (LL Bean fits my husband well, but JCrew etc carry the same type of thing).

    5. My SO is the same way and these pullovers are perfect. They feel like hoodies, but look more put together without being as stuffy as a sweater might feel to someone who prefers hoodies. I’ll include a link to one of them, but highly recommend any of their pullovers in similar styles.

    6. Half- or quarter-zip sweaters are great, versatile options. They look great over t-shirts or button-downs and have a grown-up but relaxed vibe. This is the J Crew version, but everyone from Patagonia to Brooks Brothers has similar versions.
      http://tinyurl.com/bd4rbpw

      1. Yep. My husband lives in these; I love the way they look, but they’re just as comfy as a hoodie.

    7. Thank you for all the responses! I think the key for my SO is making it easy – right now he wears hoodies (some of which aren’t bad per se, but just look a little less polished) because that is what he has. I think if he had better options that were just as easy to grab, he would do so. I am definitely going to be ordering some stuff for him to try and will let you know if we are successful!

  6. To the poster this morning who was having pre-pregnancy anxiety. All of the comments about wishing you didn’t have to talk about pregnancy at work made me want to share just this one story – my favorite story about being pregnant at work.

    I used to deal regularly with a notoriously cranky regulator. I let it slip during one of our lengthy and combative phone calls that I was pregnant -only because a particular date he proposed for a meeting would have been during my maternity leave.

    Before I went on leave, I had to go up to Sacramento to meet one-on-one with him, and he was as grumpy as usual. But at the end of the meeting, he asked where I had parked in the lot. When I told him, he told me to wait by my car. Then he went to his own car and pulled out a Costco-sized box of disposable diapers, carried them over and loaded them into the back of my car.

    To this day, I still have a soft spot for this difficult man.

    4. Awesome. Sounds like he’s got a soft spot for you, too (in a totally nice, non-creepy way).

    6. That is so cute!

      I accepted my job and found out I was pregnant days later. And I assumed my pregnancy was secretly a source of annoyance for the co-workers who would have to cover for me during my leave. Until they threw a HUGE baby shower for me. I received cloth diapers, a deluxe baby monitor, cute outfits, toys and a mobile I had registered for. It was amazing.

      People will surprise you if given the chance.

  7. I’d like to buy a good camera for high-quality family and vacation photos. I’ve never been more than a point and shooter, but I’d be willing to take a few classes to learn how to take better photos with better equipment. Any advice? Ballpark prices for any recs would also be appreciated.

    1. Sites like Groupon, Living Social, and Amazon Local frequently have coupons for photography classes. The daily emails are a pain but it might be worth it to sign up with one of those sites.

    2. We got a Nikon D5000 series at Costco and like it. I think it was around $900. Canon also makes an entry-level DSLR. Go play with both and see which one fits your hands/needs better.

      1. I do really well with just keeping my Canon DSLR on the automatic mode. I really like my Nikon coolpix p&s, but the Canon still takes much better pics even on auto.

        FWIW, I have taken a photography class (long ago… when there were only SLRs) and while I fould it all simple and easy to learn, I apparently just don’t care enough to make the effort for most pictures.

        1. And I agree to try the Canon and Nikon DSLs and just pick whichever feels better in your hand.

    3. I got the Olympus E-PM1 as a gift recently and I love it! It has great features if you want to learn a little about cameras but also would be a perfect point and shoot.
      It is bulkier than many other tiny cameras on the market, but I would argue that the photo quality is worth it. It’s on sale for around $300.
      Link to follow.

  8. Meant to post this here but accidentally posted in the hunt. Take 2:

    I figure I’ll see if “the hive” has any insight. I have a sebaceous cyst very close to my lady garden though not actually in the tulips. It is being monitored by a dermatologist who thinks it needs to come out due to its reoccurring nature. He, however, has never removed one from a lady garden and I am very concerned about not damaging the flower beds. The procedure will involve taking a pretty large area since the cyst is currently below the skin and I am always out of town when it decides to appear above ground.

    I saw my gyno who confirmed it is a cyst and nothing to do with the lady garden per se. I also ran it by a GI during a routine appt who confirmed it is a cyst that should probably come out. I decided to try to find a plastic surgeon who has operated on lady gardens before. I contacted the best one in my town and he is declining to take the case and saying it should be treated by a gyno. My gyno says it should be treated by my derm. My derm hasn’t operated on a lady garden. So, do I find another derm? Keep looking for a plastic surgeon who will take it? Try a new gyno? Which tree should I bark up next?

    (To clear up any confusion, the cyst is on the pub!c mound, just north east of the labia, from my vantage point. It is a little too far inward to be “bikini line” but not actually on the gen!tals.)

    1. Find another plastic surgeon. I had a cyst that scarred over into this huge keloid on my jawline and my dermatologist refused to touch it. I am happy he didn’t because the cosmetic surgeon in his practice did an amazing job. Try looking for a practice that offers a whole suite of services.

    2. My academic medical center derm friend says that you should see another derm for removal. Not sure how many options you have in your locale, but in my mid sized city, that was the advice.

    3. Can your derm recommend or refer you to a general surgeon who will do it in a surgical center? I had a mole removed that required more surgery than the average doctor’s office is prepared for, so I went to a medical center (not really a hospital, but affiliated with one) and had a guy who did general surgery do it in an outpatient procedure with just local anesthesia. We were in and out in a couple of hours.

    3. For weekend/casual wear (not the office! not the office! Even in my casual, jeans all the time office, that’s a bit short), I really like that dress. Anyone recognize it?

      3. Looks like the skirt matches the shirt but the angle casts a shadow on it that makes it look.. unfortunate.

      4. It looks to me like she has tan pants on that are the color of her belt. The pants are darker than her skin and not pink like her skin is, so you can tell that they are pants.

      5. Omigawd, can you imagine the horror of wearing pants, but having a picture of you in the NYT where it totally looks like you are not wearing pants?

    5. I totally have paralegals who will wear stuff like that — but always with black tights at least . . .

    6. I think it’s wrong to be criticizing wardrobe choices of real people identified by name. We’re all about knowing your office, no reason to assume she doesnt know hers.

      1. I think it’s fair game when they are showcased (and presumably agreed to the photo shoot) for a topic such as fashion/style. They are agreeing to be set up as an example of what to wear, and when people find the example off-putting or inappropriate, it’s OK to say so. Less ok to call her “that child,” though.

        1. The article isn’t about fashion and style. It is about the necessity of having a college degree to get hired for positions where the work doesn’t require it.

    7. demeaning, cruel to point her out by name and refer to her as “that child.” You guys are the worst

    8. I saw this today and had the same reaction. It looks like she is wearing a dress that is FAR too short. If she has pants on, I am sorry they do not show more, because she definitely looks pantless.

      I don’t think it is cruel or critical to comment on her outfit. This is a blog about office attire and she is working in an office environment similar to a lot of ours. She presumably chose this outfit especially for the NYT photo shoot. I believe she was a fashion student who worked in high end clothing boutiques before becoming a law firm receptionist, so she cares about style, and she does look super cute . . . for the weekend.

  10. Seeking advice from the Hive!
    I’m a 1L (seriously long time lurker though) and just started working part time at a firm. I’m incredibly excited to get some experience, I love the people I work with, and I even have my own office! Whaa?? (Sorry, but I once worked on a “swine confinement unit” so I’m pretty floored that no one is asking me to hose down poo.) My conundrum is how to brighten up the decidedly dark, albeit professional, decor in my office. Two large, dark wood desks, tan walls, wires everywhere, and a massive cordovan office chair do not a bright work environment make. And there’s no window. Any tips on how you’ve made your office look and feel a bit more pleasant?

    1. Honestly, I wouldn’t decorate your office in your (tenuous) situation. As a part-time law student clerk, you really need to project a serious-about-work attitude. Decorating your office will only distract from your work.**

      **A summer clerk stole my grandmother’s mug (which I was using for my daily coffee) from the kitchen to use as a “pretty” pencil holder (we had other pencil holders available in the supply closet). I’m so glad we didn’t hire her full-time.

      1. To k-padi: This is why I keep my mug in my office and wash it myself. It’s been my work mug since 1998 and at this point, anyone else who tries to use it incurs serious wrath.

        1. I have done that at other firms. It just so happens that this firm has more of “keep your mug in the kitchen” culture with the expectation that you only use your mug (there are generic mugs available too). Guess she never got the “know your office” memo.

          1. And now I have truly seen it all. An office with a “keep your mug in the kitchen” culture. That’s thing? It would have been somehow held against you if you kept your special mug in your office?

            So many people on this website need to get over themselves. If the mug was important to you, you should have kept it in your office. And if someone MADE A MISTAKE and used it, you could have nicely asked her to return it. Instead of BEING GLAD SHE DIDN’T GET A JOB over it.

            You, k-padi, are a Class A bitch. I’m glad I don’t know you in real life.

          2. Seriously? A “keep your mug in the kitchen” culture? That’s a thing? It would actually be held against you if you kept your special mug in your office?

            People on this website need to get over themselves. If the mug was special to you, you could have kept it in your office. Or nicely asked the woman to return it. Instead of BEING HAPPY SHE DIDN’T GET A JOB because of it.

            Good grief! So bitchy. And slightly crazy to hold it against her to the point of being pleased she wasn’t hired.

          3. I like k-padi and think she gives good relationship advice, but she gives the weirdest, craziest work advice that is constantly contradictory. She has all these made up strict rules but won’t apply them to herself at all. What you said was much too mean. You just have to skip over her work advice

          4. Whoa, this response is so uncalled for. It’s not as if K-Padi said she had made the decision not to hire the person based on the mug incident. And I know of offices that are touchy about keeping certain items in the office (albeit mugs seems a little OTT).

          5. Man, anon, who peed in the coffee cup you left in the kitchen? The verb “stole” is a bit strong, and I hope K-Padi simply explained why she was taking it back and started keeping it in a desk drawer, but geesh, way to pick a fight!

            I’ve worked places where a place to keep mugs was pointed out to me more than once. I took that as an indication I should keep mine there.

      2. OP here- Can I ask about that sort of “tenuous” position? It’s a paid position in a small firm and was described to me as “indefinite.” I ask because the time is ripe for summer interviewing- I had hoped to keep working at this firm and possibly clerk for a judge as well. Should I be actively seeking out another position instead? I really appreciate any advice.

        1. You’re a 1L. You should be diversifying your resume and working at various places. Are you going to participate in OCI in the fall? You should intern for a judge before then. Ethics should prevent you from working for a judge while working at the firm (conflict of interest, much?). No snark, I know the legal market is very tough, but do a great job and (try to) get a different job for the summer. Most judges have already completed their summer hiring already, fyi.

          1. goldribbons is right. 1L clerks are, by nature, tenuous. A clerkship is basically an extended interview. I would ask them soon about their needs this summer. They may not want a FT summer clerk.

          2. Thank you for saying that about the ethics conflict- I don’t think anyone I’ve run that past has batted an eye (perhaps because I’m looking at bankruptcy court judges, whereas my firm is in a different practice area?). They’ve told me to let them know if I get any summer offers, which was in response to my asking that time frame question. So I guess even they’re expecting me to keep interviewing!

        2. You are part time. If they need to hire a full time attorney, they will move your desk.

        3. Lots of things can change before you graduate, even if your employer has every intention now of hiring you in 2015 (or whenever). Diversify your resume and contacts while you’re a student. S(tuff) happens.

    2. I wouldn’t do much. You’re a student working part-time; you should be single-mindedly focused on making a strong positive impression with your work. By all means, bring in a few photos to put on your desk, but I would not do anything to your office at this point. If you can work in pig sh*t, you can work in a bland and windowless office for a while.

    3. you shouldn’t decorate. one reason why: when i was a 3L intern at a corporation they one day just moved my desk because they needed that space for a new full time hire. no one told me. not until after i asked the new full-time hire why she was at my desk. of course, my new desk sucked and was far far away from my supervisor’s office.

    4. I disagree with all of the advice not to decorate. I wouldn’t bring in rugs and furniture — but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with bringing in a handful of photographs, a cheerful plant, or a table lamp to warm up the light. I truly don’t think that it signals a lack of commitment to work. (Now, if you were decorating with Hello Kitty posters, that might be different …). I worked in a windowless office for a year and it was really terrible, so I understand the desire to bring in some color or something pretty to look at.

    5. Going to have to agree with advice not to decorate. It could come across as juvenile or premature. If you really need something, perhaps a simple lamp to literally “brighten up” the place, but I wouldn’t go much further than that.

      1. I think it’s kind of sad that everyone is assuming decorating will come across as “juvenile” because for other similar posts in the past, people have offered plenty of decorating ideas. In that case, it was not for a 1L. There is clearly some bias about this. Why not trust her to make tasteful decisions to decorate her space in an appropriate manner? Why work in a dark, glum environment? People can be such a downer around here.

    6. I would stay away from decorating; you can’t take the space for granted. I’m currently a 3L intern, and given the lack of office space, my cubicle is used by someone else on the days I’m not there.

      1. I’m a 2L clerk, and I also had the experience of going into work one day and my cube (which I’d had for almost a year) was now housing a full time temp. My stuff that was in my cube? No one knew where it went. Fortunately it was just a mug, snacks, coffee stuff, etc. But…I still work there (I now ‘float’ into whatever cube is empty the days I’m there) and my stuff has never turned up.

        Don’t decorate with anything you’d miss, that’s for sure.

  11. How many glasses of wine (insert drink of choice) do you have on a daily basis? How does it affect you emotionally/physically if you don’t have your preferred amount that day?

    1. If I don’t have 2+ glasses of wine (which for me is half a bottle) 3+ nights per week, I spend an entire day (or two) sobbing to the point that I can’t get anything done. I hear this is what anti-depressants are for, but I’m so afraid of side effects and weaning off for an eventual pregnancy.

      1. goodness hun, right now you are an alcoholic and that’s going to be a big problem for eventual pregnancies too. I hope you see a doctor about this

        1. I wouldn’t call anon for this an alcoholic. I was drinking just as much as she is to relax at night so I could fall asleep (instead of becoming a sleep-deprived crying b*tch). I was able to cut it down to 1-2 drinks per week pretty easily once I felt the need to do so.

        2. Now, now, that’s my normal consumption and I had no problem not drinking during my 2 pregnancies.

          1. Its not the amount its the dependancy, but I guess she may have been being sarcastic

      2. For my diet, I replaced my 2 bottles per week wine with sparkling water. According to my food log, I down a 6-pack (cans) per day. I really miss my w(h)ine.

        1. I had to read this a few times to figure out that you weren’t drinking cans of wine :)

      3. Prettttttttttttty sure you’re going to have to wean off the wine for an eventual pregnancy too.

        Seriously. Talk to your doctor. The answer doesn’t have to be anti depressants, but self medicating with alcohol can’t be great longterm.

      4. :( I hope that things get better for you and you are able to speak to someone you trust about this (doctor, friend, therapist, family..). Depression is an illness like any other — you shouldn’t have to fight it on your own, or be afraid to seek help.

      5. Ha! This made me laugh. Memo to self: quit sushi now, see also job, in case I meet a man in the next year and get knocked up.

        1. ETA: that awkward moment when you realize you’re the only person to take something as sarcasm.

          2. I took it as sarcasm and snarking on other previous threads as well about TTC and antidepressants. You aren’t the only one. At least, I seriously hope it was sarcasm …

          3. Also read it as sarcasm… but then again, that can be so hard to relay on the interwebs :)

          1. Me too – some days I think the site should auto-reply to every post with GET THERAPY! GET ON MEDS! LEAVE HIM! It would save time.

            Lord, I need some mindless fashion chat and a little levity.

    2. I don’t drink regularly but I go out avg 2x/month and have 2-3 cocktails. No beer or wine at all for me. Now if you count coffee as a drink of choice…

    3. 1-2 glasses of wine (or beers) per weeknight, maybe 3-4 one night per weekend. I feel less bleary in the morning if I haven’t had anything to drink, but eh, I like wine. And most nights I go out with a friend to have those drinks + a tapa, since my job’s a joke, so it’s a cultural experience. I don’t notice any difference in my emotional state.

    4. Generally I only think if I am leaving the house/have people over; so on a regular week I won’t drink for 3, 4 nights but on the others I have 2 or 3 drinks. (my days of fri+sat jagerbobs by the dozen are long gone…) I get a lot more emotional when I drink a lot so I try to avoid it; I’m already hair-trigger so I try to avoid intoxication.

      then again, I also claim that now that I have acquired a taste for good booze, I can no longer afford to drink myself stupid.

    5. Dinner just isn’t complete without a glass of wine! Plus normally another glass while vegging out in front of the TV. Although I’ve currently given it up for Lent (and as a means to jump start my diet because I’m in denial of how quickly those calories add up) and have replaced it with copious amounts of Diet Coke because water just doesn’t satiate me in the evening.

      1. Same for me, re the dinner with a glass of wine. If my husband and I are home together for dinner during the work week, we’ll probably have a glass of wine or vodka soda with dinner. If I have time to veg out to TV later that night, I’ll probably have another glass (or two…). Unless I’m drinking more than three glasses of wine or drinks at night, I don’t feel any worse in the morning.

        On weekends, we’ll probably have 4ish drinks/glasses during the day and night and spread out over many hours. It’s a lot harder to get “drunk” with a baby in the house and it makes the early mornings substantially worse…

        Being pregnant, however, means the alcohol consumption has ceased. Which really sucks sometimes, because it’s really hard to look forward to nice glass of water after a hard Friday afternoon at work.

    6. I’d say one, maybe 2, 2 nights a week, give or take (and a beer and/or mixed drink once or twice a week), then once every couple months or so I might have 3-4, probably on a weekend. I don’t notice any emotional changes, other than I might be more tired the day after having an unusually large amount.

    7. I was having a glass, very rarely two, of wine every night which started to feel to me like it was too habitual. Gave up all alcohol for Lent just to interrupt that pattern. My ideal would be 1-2 glasses of wine a week.

    8. Drink of choice: wine (white or red).

      Frequency: one glass with dinner, one or two nights per week. I rarely drink outside of meal times. Occasionally a glass of sherry before dinner.

    9. I’m a boring young person, I guess.

      I only manage to drink maybe 1-2 glasses of red wine per week. My meals are consumed as if I were inhaling– I almost never get around to pouring myself a glass. So unopened bottles (given by friends who come over for various events) accumulate and I regift some of them (to some relatives, as those relatives never cross paths with the friends who initially gifted me with those wines.)

      What I do realize is that when I eat a very heavy meaty-meal, I actually feel better if I have 1 glass of red wine with it. Maybe the acidity helps cut through all the fat and grease. The few nights I manage to coordinate eating something like osso bucco with a glass of red, I go to bed feeling warm, full, and happy, and wake up feeling pretty darn good.

    10. I probably have 1-2 drinks once or twice during the week. And then 2-4 on one or both weekend nights? Though it definitely varies a lot for me…I can easily (somewhat frequently) go an entire work week without having a drink.

    11. I have 1 or 2 drinks once a week or so. If I have 2 then I am very happy and buzzy for the evening. :)

      I gave up alcohol while studying for the bar and since then, have been a total lightweight. It is the BEST!

    12. Generally I split a bottle with my husband if we go out or make a nice dinner – which is probably 4 nights a week. On the weekends I usually have an extra glass or two, very rarely drink beer but sometimes in the summer. Not a cocktail person. Half a bottle of wine has zero effect on me because it is usually spread out over a while (cooking, during the meal, etc). More than that and I need an extra hour of sleep ;)

  12. RETURN OF THE INFURIATING FLAKY AUNT.

    Today my mom went to have some teeth extracted. My aunt used to be a dentist, so she helped make all arrangements, was supposed to know all about the procedure, etcetc. Well, she calls me afterwards to tell me that *obviously* my mom can’t be left alone tonight and I will need to make arrangements to have someone spend the night. She can’t do it because she has to work tomorrow. I am in a different city. It was already almost 3pm in Toronto when Aunt told me this. Of course, we have been discussing this procedure for weeks. I had made it clear I didn’t want my mom to go alone because of the anaesthetic (which turns out to have just been Ativan and Nitrous Oxide, rather than a full put-under-IV), and had arranged for the personal care worker to be around for the evening. Aunt knew this. NOT ONCE EVER did she say that we should make arrangements for overnight care.

    My mom is not pleased. In the end, I am actually ignoring Aunt tonight. The personal care worker will be there until before she goes to bed and will be coming back in the morning. My mom was getting all worked up and saying things like she was just not going to tell anyone anything anymore because people used to leave her alone when she did that. THAT WAY MADNESS LIES. THANKS UNRELIABLE FLAKY AUNT, for ruining yet another day.

    The best/worst part of this: the dental surgery was supposed to happen next week while I will be unreachable in Cuba. What would Aunt have done then? Especially since, despite my request, she did not make any calls trying to find some to stay the night: instead, she called MY DAD. Who has not been married to my mom for 30 years now. So what exactly was her plan for if this procedure had happened next week?

    Sigh. We are off to Cuba Saturday. There will be no resolution as to where my mom is moving on March 14th, which greatly increases the chances that she will have to move twice in the next month. BLARGH. I am really worried that I will ruin our long-awaited trip because I will be worryworryworrying….

    1. Sorry to hear this. I know you have gotten great support from this site but home you are seeing a therapist for these issues.

      1. I’m not, yet. But clearly I am going to need to because I am barely holding it together. :(

    2. I think you need to cut off flaky Aunt mid-sentence. “Did mom’s surgery go okay? Are you calling with other suggestions? I can’t discuss those right now and you need to figure something out. Hang up phone.” If she calls back, “is there any emergency?” If she starts saying anything besides “in route to hospital” cut her off and say, “I said I can’t discuss this” and hang up.

      1. I like this suggestion a lot. Maybe rethinking your roles could help in your interaction with Flaky Aunt. This may sound cold but Flaky Aunt is your coworker and Your Mom’s Care is your project. Roles and boundaries are clearly defined and deflect as necessary when things are out of scope. It’s hard with the emotional ties but emotions are eating you up now.

        Also, I’m sure you know this better than all of us put together but do not blow up at Flaky Aunt. It will get back to your mom so fast. Clear and direct interaction, just like with a coworker. Vent on here as much as you need.

        1. That’s excellent advice. If flaky aunt doesn’t get it, you could start responding to her comments te the need for some other thing to be done as complaints about her workload, just like comments commiserating re your Kim’s general situation. “Oh wow, Auntie F, you have to get someone to spend the night with her? I’d better let you go or you’ll be there yourself!”
          Or am I being too snarky/passive-aggressive?

  13. Relationship TJ: My boyfriend is a really great guy but isn’t so good at the gestures/gifts. We’ve been together for over a year (including birthdays and an anniversary) and hasn’t bought me a single gift yet, including when he went away on vacation with his friends.

    I know this sounds awfully bratty but I love little presents and gestures as a way to show the other person you care about them/are thinking about them. I’ve bought him a few things just because I sae something that reminded me of him when I was shopping or something.

    My friends/mom think this is totally unacceptable – am I accepting less than I deserve or am I just acting like a big brat?

    1. If you’ve VERY CLEARLY communicated that you want gifts and he has ignored it (to the point of telling him *what* to buy and for which occasion), then you’re accepting less than you deserve. But I wouldn’t phrase it like that. You have emotional needs which are not being met. It’s not about “deserving” something, because that makes it sound like you’re a brat, which you’re not. Everyone has different dietary needs; everyone has different emotional needs. Just because some people eat different foods doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong. Same with emotional needs. Just make sure you’ve been super duper clear about what you need from your SO.

    2. Neither— this is a classic “Five Love Languages” scenario. Read up & then have a chat with him.

      2. If OP is upset because BF doesn’t, say, leave little love notes or bring her coffee when she’s working late or bring flowers randomly, that’s a 5 Languages issue. If OP is upset because BF fails to give gifts when it’s culturally expected to give them, that’s not really the same thing. She’s upset not because he’s not showing affection in the way she wants to receive it, but because he’s slighting her by refusing to do what he knows d*mn well is expected of him and he knows he should be doing for someone he’s with.

        1. Not everyone has the same cultural expectations regarding gifts. My family doesn’t do birthday gifts, rarely does souvenir gifts, and is mixed on anniversary gifts. So, it still needs a conversation about expectations. And I would also say it is a Love Language issue.

        2. Even if you do give birthday presents to family members, you might not think that someone you’ve been with is a family member. Totally logical.

    3. My husband got me pretty weird/random gifts when we first started dating. It didn’t bother me that so much that I didn’t get stuff I wanted but I figured he shouldn’t waste money on this. Eventually we got to no physical gifts we just do a joint activity such as concert, nice dinner, or massage.

    4. Sit down with him and tell him this. Do the 5 love languages quiz together and discuss the results. I don’t think it’s a matter of what you deserve, it’s a a matter of how you communicate with each other.

      1. This. Also, once you realize what his language is, try to focus on the other ways he shows you that he cares. If your relationship is great in every other way, do you really want to end it over gifts? Maybe you do, and if so, then he probably isn’t the guy for you.

    5. WRT birthdays and Christmas and such – I definitely don’t think you’re being bratty. But I do agree that you may need to be more explicit about desires and expectations – like maybe he just functions better with gift lists? That sort of thing.

      As far as little random gifts – you do have to pick your battles. My husband does *not* do random gifts – I do occasionally. I like them – but on the other hand – he does do the dishes and make dinner and do lots of things around the house. After I read an article on the Happiness Project about Love Languages (I think based off the five languages) – I realized that I’m more of a “spend time together” to express love whereas he likes to “do helpful things” type to express love. Knowing that those things – when he does them – is kind of like a little gift helps.

      Long story short – I agree with the above people that you should read about the Five Languages of Love. And talk to him in a calm, rational way about holidays (not on one of the holidays). But that’s my own personal experience, if it helps at all.

      1. Maybe but I guess we agreed to do something special instead of gifts. He’s not a gift guy which I can understand (rationally) but I love finding and buying the perfect gift for someone and I guess I’d really love it if he would put the effort into finding me a gift but it just seems like he doesn’t want to bother.

        I guess I’m a little concerned because I’ve had friends tell me recently that it’s unacceptable behavior and I shouldn’t stand for it. But I’ve had exes shower me with flowers and gifts in the past and things did not work. I don’t know if I let him talk me into this no-gift thing or if I’m just concerned because everyone seems so appalled at the idea.

        1. I may be misreading this, but if you specifically agreed not to exchange gifts and instead do something special together, then I don’t think his lack of gift-giving thus far should be much of a concern. It actually would be quite unfair to hold it against him if you specifically agreed to something else, because he probably thinks he is doing exactly what you want, particularly if gifts are not his thing.

          On the other hand, if he knows that getting gifts is important to you, and he doesn’t have reason to think that you were going to do something in lieu of a gift for, for example, your birthday, then he could be blowing off something that is important to you because it’s not important to him. Or blowing off societal convention because he just doesn’t care. Those would obviously be problems. But it doesn’t necessarily sound like that is what’s happening here.

          Bottom line, I agree with everyone who says you need to have a conversation about this.

          1. Wanted to add, I kind of agree that if he pushed for some sort of blanket agreement that you will never exchange gifts, that’s a bit weird and seems a little like he may be trying to avoid having to put in the effort. On the other hand, since he’s not a gift person, if you weren’t clear about the fact that you feel very differently from him about gifts, he may not even realize that you may have felt pressured into agreeing for a variety of reasons. Wanting someone to show you love by taking the time to pick out thoughtful gifts is not materialistic or shallow, but I think sometimes people who aren’t gift people can see wanting gifts as materialistic, since gifts are not particularly meaningful to them. If you agreed to no gifts because you were worried about this, it is most definitely a conversation worth reopening.

        2. I think your friends’ apparently-very-clear, black-and-white ideas of what is “acceptable” in someone else’s relationship to be a concern too. Is there something else about him that they don’t like, so they’re calling the lack of gifts “unacceptable”? That just seems like a really strong word.

          If you agreed on doing something special instead of exchanging gifts, but then you expected a gift anyway, I think that’s a Love Languages issue for you and also an expectations issue where you set him up to fail. I’ve found that many guys are just not that great at gifts, so being specific is very helpful. If you’re at a store and see things that you like, make explicit suggestions: “oh, that spoon rest is really cute–if you’re still looking for a birthday present for me, I’d love it.”

          On the other hand, I agree with Cora that if he’s tried to go for a “no gifts ever” policy, that’s weird.

        3. So did you do something special? If so, that’s your gift & he kept his word. By comaining about it, you’re not keeping up your end of the agreement. If he agreed to do something special together and nobody initiated anything… that’s sad, but no more his fault than yours. Handing over a gift after that conversation would indicate that relationship discussions are pointless, because they aren’t being taken seriously any way.

  14. Weight loss TJ.

    After losing 25 pounds in 4 weeks, I’ve hit a plateau for the last 3 weeks. Two weeks ago, I switched from a 1600 calorie per day to a 1200 calories per day meal plan. One week ago, I joined a gym and started working out. Nothing. No weight lost in the last 3 weeks. I’m stuck at about 45 lbs left to lose and have no idea what to do. The blogs I’ve found say to cut calories further (but not below 1200) and exercise. Check and check. They also say to take a cheat meal. Check (I have 2 per week).

    Any tips? Encouragement?

    1. Is it possible you are building muscle and losing fat (thus, your weight is staying the same)? Maybe try tracking inches lost rather than pounds, for a while?

      Also, I’ve heard some people who hit weight loss plateaus try carb cycling. Maybe try that?

      1. Agreed. Start paying attention to how your clothes fit, and less the scale. Keep building muscle because that’s what will keep the weight off long term (you’ll have a naturally higher metabolism).

        Also, for exercise, interval training causing you to burn more fat than just constant slow pace. However, you need a base endurance level to do it effectively. Maybe try to incorporate some intervals in your cardio.

        Props to you t hough! That’s really impressive.

      1. Gym workouts–boot camp intervals. Or, as I call it, Crossfit Lite. Every weekend, I do a 4 to 8 mile hike on the mountains (800-1200′ elevation change).

        1. Argh just saw this. Hmm I have a feeling you’ll notice the weight come off in a few weeks, but I’m not a trainer.

        2. Disclaimer that I’m saying this without knowing you, your workouts, etc etc.

          As a (redacted for anonymity) instructor, I can tell a huge difference in improvement (increased endurance, fat loss, muscle building) between the students who go through the motions, and the students who really push themselves. I think it is easy to get complacent, esp in group settings, where you are just like “yea! i made it through that whole minute of squats!” except that you were squatting any lower, or faster, than the previous week. I guess what I’m saying is try upping your own intensity for a week or two and see if you notice a difference.

          1. *weren’t* squatting any lower, or faster…

            Sorry, typing fast.

            TL;DR – try pushing yourself harder for the next 2 weeks. Count your reps and try to beat yourself. See if that helps.

          2. Thanks! I know from my crossfit days that intensity is very important. Honestly, I’m taking it easy now just to learn the new moves correctly (my shoulder blades like to misbehave and I use my traps way too much) and building my aerobic capacity back up from nothing. I can do super efficient squats and burpees so I’ve been trying to get my intense workout on those movements.

            I am going to have to take almost two weeks off coming up do to some work-related travel so it’ll be awhile before I can get into a regular workout schedule. Better to have a bumpy/rocky start than not to start at all, right?

          3. Absolutely! Just keeping it off is already a big thing. Have you made plans for when you’re traveling? It would be disappointing to lose ground during that time.
            A regular cheat meal sounds like a good idea. With calorie count so low, your body’s probably going into starvation mode

          4. A guy at my gym bought several strengths of resistance bands and uses them to workout when he’s travelling. They are light so they are easy to pack in a suitcase.

    3. I’ve just recently joined My Fitness Pal and although I’m still learning myself, there is tons of info on the message boards about how to do this. I highly recommend checking it out.

    4. This probably isn’t what you posted to hear, but could you focus on “Wow, I’m exercising, which is great for my health and makes me feel good!” and “I feel so amazing after eating that delicious salad for lunch, which I know if full of the vitamins, minerals, and nutrients my body needs to be healthy!” instead of fixating on whether you are (or aren’t) losing weight? Regardless of whether the number on the scale is moving, if you’re moving your body in a way you enjoy and nourishing it with a well-balanced diet, you’re doing good things for yourself.

    5. It could be that you’re not eating *enough* and your body is holding on to everything you’re consuming. Switching down to 1200 calories and adding physical activity doesn’t sound good for your metabolism (but I am no expert).

      1. I was wondering this too. Less than 1200 calories plus working out doesn’t sound like enough to sustain you. Or maybe it’s the type of calories. Maybe try more protein, fewer carbs and/or sugar? Congrats on losing that much weight so quickly! That’s awesome. Maybe you’re just at a plateau and once you get over the hump, your weight loss will continue…?

      2. I’ve thought of that but I feel full after each meal and I’m not really wanting to eat “more” between meals. In fact, I struggle to finish some meals (I am thinking of splitting them and eating the halves 2-3 hours part). I’ll ask my gym if that might be the case.

        1. Rather than “eating more” try bumping up calories a bit with a healthy fat like olive oil, natural peanut butter, or almonds.

        2. Actually – this is a classic thing that will happen when you hit starvation mode in the number of calories you’re taking in. Your body’s metabolism is shutting down and it does shut down your feeling of “I’m hungry” as a sort of survival thing. This is what happens to me when I’m prolonged periods of no food in the hospital.

          I would say to up your calories, even by just a few hundred calories (focusing on lean proteins and complex carbs – but remembering to get healthy fats in there too). If your body thinks it is in starvation mode, it will start holding onto fat more (and build MUCH less muscle). It may mean at first you have to eat a couple small snacks between meals – even if not hungry. There are lots of suggestions on healthy eating blogs for good snacks of this sort.

      3. This was my first thought as well — 25 pounds in a month is a *lot* of weight to lose in a short period of time, and it doesn’t surprise me that your body is strongly resisting further weight loss. I’d try just maintaining that loss for a while, and then restarting with the aim of losing much more gradually (1-2 pounds a week).

        1. Yup.. wondering how you lost 25pounds in 4 weeks!

          The extreme makeover weight loss edition guy suggests eating MORE when you plateau to boost your metabolism back up.

      4. From my experience, it is best to do what I call a “carb-bomb.” Go carb crazy for one day- eat like an entire loaf of bread, etc. When you lose too much weight at once, your body starts going into starvation mode. If you put in a carefully scheduled carb-bomb day, your body will be tricked back into thinking that it will be getting more food and you will get back on track.

    6. This isn’t what you want to hear, but just hang in there. The amount of weight you lost in the first 4 weeks was huge. If you calculate it out over the past 7 weeks, you’ve lost an average of 3.5 pounds per week, which is huge! I don’t think that a 3-week plateau at this point is too much to be concerned about. Just stick with the plan you were doing and try not to second guess yourself. Give it a few more weeks and then reassess if nothing has changed.

      Seriously though, you rock!

    7. 25lbs in 4 weeks is amazing progress!!! In terms of tips, I am guessing you have already cut out the obvious culprits (processed carbs, etc). Take all the below with a grain of salt – I am not a doctor/nutritionist and am speaking only from my own experience and what I have read. I find IME, that even when I keep my calorie levels the same, I can kick through plateaus with really sticking to lean protein with veggies and some fruit, and seriously reducing how many carbs (aside from vegetables) I take in. I also find that strength training sessions plus a little cardio (especially interval sessions) do more for me weight wise than just slogging through long steady cardio sessions.

      Even though the scale hasn’t moved in a couple weeks are you noticing that your clothes are fitting differently? Sometimes the scale isn’t the best indicator especially if you have been working out. Finally, although it seems counterintuitive, sometimes you need to eat more calories than “diets” recommend, especially if you are going for long term lifestyle changes. Even with cheat meals, if your body thinks that it isn’t getting enough sustenance/nutrition, it can tenaciously hang onto extra fat/weight as a self-preservation method. Sometimes adding in extra protein or a little good fat can jumpstart weight loss again. Just experiment and see what works. Sorry for the novel, and I hope that helps!

      1. Thanks! Yeah, I am really trying to focus on past success to stay encouraged. I’m on a meal plan where I pick up my prepared meals twice per week. I do notice that they do have 2-3 day stretches of “lower” carb meals built in.**

        **I really have a hard time with meal planning and portion control. Prepared meals is the baby step I needed to take to get started. I know that I will eventually have to be an adult and do my own meal planning.

        My clothes are fitting a little better–I bought one size smaller dresses just before the plateau and I can now zip them up (but they aren’t work appropriate yet). My pants and skirts are looking downright baggy.

    8. Congrats on the first round of weight loss! Re plateau- could you not be eating enough? Could you try the 1600 calorie diet + workout?

      1. Congrats on your success so far! Here’s my random thoughts on this. How about totally changing things up? If you haven’t tried eating paleo before, how about reading up on it and maybe even trying? Or maybe change things a little like modify your eating schedule so that you’re consuming most of your calories before 6:30 pm., drinking more water, and making sure you get a good night’s sleep (that last 2 suggestions are somewhat weird but have helped me).

    9. This happened to me. Try varying the type of food and amount of food you eat each day. I was on Weight Watchers and I would have one very high point day (basically use the majority of my extra weekly points) and then fluctuate up and down a bit throughout the rest of the week. Totally shook me off that plateau. Google “Wendie plan” if you’re doing Weight Watchers.

    10. Thanks everyone. I have some business travel starting next week so it will be more difficult to control calories. I was worried about that but maybe eating more will actually be helpful. So I’ll relax and not worry. Even eat a few pastries.

      1. And pack a jump rope or something. Even if you can’t get a whole workout in, you can “remind” your body that you are serious about this and regular workouts will resume once you return. Doesn’t the Crossfit site have workouts you can do away from the gym?

  15. Smartphones question: How does a smartphone rank for you on a scale from: useful productive tool vs fun websurfing toy? I had an (older) smartphone and it got damaged, so I’m using a really old really dumbphone until I decide what I want to do about replacing it. Half of the time I’m frustrated as I reach for my phone to use the app where I had logged all my passwords, could click on a contact to bring up their address and then map it, check to see if my boss emailed me back between meetings or just check the weather. But the other half of the time I’m realizing that I’m not distracted with facebook, mindless game apps or websurfing (like this site). I almost never actually send email beyond 1 or two lines from my phone or anything like that, and I like the idea of canceling my expensive data plan (my contract is up at this point).

    Basically, I’m waffling. Anyone have any stories about some really productive thing they do with their phone, or how they went smartphone free and now feel liberated? Anyone have a recommendation for a great phone that has an awesome camera, GPS or other feature they can’t live without now? Or has anyone gone another route like dumbphone + iPod Touch or tablet that works for them? I know a smartphone definitely falls into the want-not-need category, I’m just being indecisive right now and need some anecdata.

    1. Besides email, the one thing I cannot get over how much I use on my smartphone is the calendar. It syncs to my home computer and my work computer so I always have my calendar at the ready. It has made me much more punctual, organized and responsive. I definitely succumb to the smartphone time suck (thanks Pinterest) but I also find that I read more for fun (on public transportation, while waiting at the doctor) because I can pick up whatever book I’m reading through Kindle app/ibooks/etc.

    2. I use mine to remember everything. It’s like having a pocket notebook that you never lose and that’s easy to organize/edit. I write down people’s shoe and clothing sizes for future gifts, restaurants that look interesting to go to in different neighborhoods so I’m never at a loss, books that I would like to read, recommendations from this site for everything as random as a tailor to an Ob/GYN… It’s basically saved me from having a million post-its everywhere, which I consider priceless for both ease of use and my sanity.
      Also, though this doesn’t come in handy much in NYC, it’s nice that I can have friends’ addresses in the phone and with one button, the maps feature will lead me right to their front door (great for visiting friends out of town). Likewise, when I’m traveling, I can drop pins on a map and find my way back to where I’m staying or would like to return. I have the iPhone (awesome camera/video) and the iPod features are also really great. I can listen to music, podcasts, audio books, radio, you name it. It makes my commute much more pleasant and informative. Not to mention that if you’re in NYC, it will tell you when the next subway is coming (green and red line only for now) so you always know if you have time for a latte before heading down underground ;)

      1. This is how I use my phone. It is my navigation, my calendar, my fitness motivation, a music player, and I can catch up on social media when I have downtime. I love my smart phone, and I seriously could not imagine not having one.

        At the same time, I do try to have a cut off time for being attached to my phone. When I get home at night I put it on the charger and try to forget about it. I have found that this gives me some balance.

    3. Until very recently, I used an iPod Touch and a cheapo phone. It is much more economical. If you are commonly in a wifi environment, you won’t see much difference when you are using apps. I used the Touch for banking and weather and contacts, etc. — but of course you cannot get on the Internet while you are on a bus. But I will admit I bought an iPhone three months ago and I like it better. The questions is: Do I like is $1,000-a-year better? That’s a lot of money.

  16. Spent the weekend watching Harry Potter movies with my kids — these shoes are so Dolores Umbridge!

  17. Any suggestions for an awesome underwater camera for snorkeling? My top priority is that it takes good, clear pictures of fish and doesn’t leak. Long battery life is also a plus, although I can buy multiple batteries for it if necessary. I had an Olympus Stylus 850SW for a couple years and was generally pretty happy with it. Then I dropped it and it got dented, which caused it to leak and it died. I replaced with a Olympus TG-310 Tough & was really disasatisfied with it. I took it one trip where I wasn’t even really snorkeling, just swimming and being near water, and it took terrible, streaky pictures. I hopefully am going to take a major snorkeling trip this year and want something that will get me really good pictures of fish. I might buy the 850SW again if I can’t find anything better but I wanted to see if anyone had suggestions.

    1. They are super expensive but the dive shop I dove with on Curacao was ga-ga over the Go Pro Hero cameras.

  19. Small ‘r e t t e gloat: just got a call from my boss, telling me that she would move heaven and earth to keep me at my company, and DON’T I DARE think about taking a new role at a new company before talking to her first because she would “make anything happen” to keep me.

    All of this because she recently had someone resign and got to thinking that the person that resigned was replacable but OH MY GOSH WHAT IF ANON IS UNHAPPY.

    Little does she know that I’ll be out for the entire 4th quarter with a baby…we’ll save that bomb for another day. At least I know she’ll be amenable to my plan to work fully remote (I’m partially remote now) for a while once i’m back from maternity leave…

  20. I know it’s late in the day, but for the Canadians/UK lawyers, isn’t this guy basically saying the US should institute articles? Given the current situation in Ontario with the “articling crisis”, I don’t know if articles would help the US with their problem, though I admit, I’d still be completely unable to run a practice on my own even with a year of articles.

    It’s an interesting discussion, I think:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/18/opinion/to-practice-law-apprentice-first.html

    1. I’m a US lawyer, and I don’t agree with the contributor’s proposed solution. The problem is that there are too many lawyers and while there is a legal need, I can’t support myself on hugs and grateful clients. The residency system creates two issues: 1) it pushes the massive unemployment out two years post-graduation (so it’s no longer the law school’s problem that its graduates are out of work); and 2) it requires firms to invest serious resources in training associates a large portion of which will only be around for 2 years. That said, the current big firm hiring model is unsustainable. Firms aren’t hiring enough new associates to cover attrition at the mid and senior level ranks, and new associates are getting worked to death and burned out earlier as a result.

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