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So. OK. I am really enjoying the new show Younger… but I am now starting to have a necklace complex. Why is the 43-year-old uptight editor always wearing huge statement necklaces (some of which I quite like)? Is it a comical, older-lady-only thing? Do we, like, need it to hide our cleavage wrinkles or something? (And, sigh, I just got a new Alexis Bittar necklace on Gilt, too.) If delicate necklaces are more your speed, then I like the look of this one from Vanessa Mooney… the dangly spike pendants look lovely. The necklace is $146 at Shopbop. Vanessa Mooney The Love Letter Necklace
(If you're still into statement necklaces, though, then here are two nice ones at Last Call.)
(L-4)
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anonymous
Can we talk maternity leave at small but not solo (~10-50 lawyers) law firms? I’m thinking about leaving Big Law in a large Midwestern city to move to a small law firm in a much smaller Midwestern city. I’m ok with the huge pay cut, but I’m seriously in mourning that I won’t get to take advantage of my BigLaw firm’s amaze maternity leave policy (4 months paid; 6 months total). The firm I have an offer at doesn’t have a formal maternity leave policy & I’m wondering what is reasonable to ask for and what I might I actually get. I’m less concerned with getting paid leave and more concerned with total time off. Ideally I want 6 months off like I would have gotten in BigLaw, and I’m not sure I will take this job if I won’t be able to take at least 12 weeks off. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about small law firm lawyers only getting 6-8 weeks total. I’m 30 and want to start TTC within a year so this is pretty relevant to my near future.
Anon for this
Anecdote: DH was downsized from biglaw last year, and moved to a small law firm (~12 attorneys) in a major CA city. I’m in biglaw and due in June. He recently had the leave discussion with his firm, which is too small to have an official policy, and learned they offer zero paternity leave and that he will only have accrued two weeks of paid vacation by the time our baby arrives. They will try to be flexible with unpaid leave, but in an office that small, it’s not like there’s anyone to cover for him if there’s work that needs to be done. Meanwhile, biglaw offers a month of paid leave for new fathers. It’s just so disappointing. Dammit, America.
Anon
Raise your hand if you have ever met a father working in BigLaw in America who actually took a month of paternity leave.
ace
Some dads actually take a month at my AmLaw 50 firm! I was also amazed.
My other comparable firm — not so much… maybe a week, many not even that.
anon
One of my coworkers took a month of paternity leave while a senior associate at a BigLaw firm. But he told me that he already knew then that he wasn’t planning to stay at that firm and try to make partner. (I believe he stayed about 12-18 months after his leave though.)
Zelda
One of my law school classmates did something similar. His wife had a baby the year we started law school, so he took the full 2 months paternity leave offered by his investment banking firm (which nobody ever took, of course), went back to work for a few months and then left to go to law school.
TBK
I know one who did. He got shipped off to a doc review in India the day he came back. When he was like “whoa, I can’t go to India indefinitely — I have a new baby at home!” they were like “um, you just took a month of leave for the new baby and now it’s time to work, and you’re working in India.” He was back and forth to India (there for 3+ weeks, home for like 3 days, back out again) for a year.
Ciao, pues
that is ridiculous. i would’ve cried foul– retaliation for making use of benefits.
Coach Laura
TBK – that’s an awful story. :(
Anonymous
That is crazy and awful and discriminatory.
Anonymous
How is it discriminatory? It’s not as if he was the only associate on the doc review – these things always have a team of lawyers. The job is what it is. The fact that it’s inconvenient for your family doesn’t mean you don’t have to do your job. It’s inconvenient for me as a single woman to have to find someone to care for my cat for months on end, but again, that’s the job.
Anonymous
A good friend of mine just did this past year. He loved every second of it.
Anonymous
My big firm offers 9 weeks of paternity leave. Most men take it. In my small office, 2 of the 3 who did and whom have subsequently been up for partner made partner.
Anon for this at 2:51
My biglaw male colleagues do take a whole month off. Some have taken 2 weeks off initially and sprinkled the other two weeks off over the following two months, and some took all 4 weeks off at once. Hours and bonus are prorated. One of the fathers who took all 4 weeks off at once is up for partner next year and widely expected to make it.
cbackson
I know two. But definitely not the norm.
Lorelai Gilmore
It’s increasingly common in my firm.
lucy stone
Outside counsel on one of my projects is – and I totally support him for doing it!
Anonymous Also
At my firm it is definitely the norm for men to take their leave. They get 8 weeks.
Burgher
Not that my husband is in biglaw (engineer), but he’d take every bit of paternity leave, if he had any whatsoever. He literally did not get *one* day, not even to be in the hospital with me during/after the birth. We were able to work out him cobbling together vacation and extra overtime to cover a week home with us, but that’s it. I only had 7 weeks paid leave (6 weeks STD + 1 week company paid for mat/pat) and I’ve found that is a very generous policy, compared to 90+% of people. The US is really pathetic with parental leave.
Anonymous
How does this “paid leave” for fathers actually work at firms? Are their hours expectations prorated to 11/12 of the annual numbers? If the expectations are still 100% of the time, I don’t see how this is any more absurd of a concept than “paid vacation” in Biglaw, where any day you take off is a day you have to make up elsewhere.
ace
In my office, prorated for this portion (which is how maternity leave/other disability leave/secondments are handled.) I commented above that people routinely do this in my firm, and I should add that I don’t see any negative repercussions/retaliation for doing so
Anonymous
That’s great that they prorate it. It’s how my firm does maternity leave too–I was skeptical they would do it for paternity leave, but good to hear that at least some do.
Anon for this
My firm prorates paternity leave the same way they do maternity leave, and I think they will continue to do so, but it is rife with abuse. Because of the proration, any time worked while on leave is extra or gravy. So if you take 4 weeks and work 5 hours each of those days off, you get your prorated time added in to your target, and the extra 5 hours on top of it. And since, so far, all men who have taken it have done so to supplement their wife being home, and since they are not recovering from birth or surgery, it’s not unusual for them to do this extra billing. It’s a hard one for me personally – I’m all for paternity leave, but I think that my firm’s policy needs to be policed a bit more.
Anonymous
I have the same issue with paternity leave being abused. It happens a lot in academic contexts too. Men use paid time off from teaching to get ahead with research and scholarship, whereas women are using maternity leave to actually be with children. It creates an even bigger gender gap than if there were no paternity leave.
Anonymous Also
I don’t have personal experience with this, but I have several friends who have struggled at smaller firms in my city to get any sort of reasonable maternity leave arrangements. I’d say it depends very much on who’s in charge. If the partners are all older men with stay at home wives, that spells trouble. The women I know who have attempted to be trailblazers in this area at their smaller old-man-dominated firms have universally left those jobs. But if the firm already employs some mothers–and even better if there is a female partner with children–you may have better luck. Broach the subject and see what kind of response you get.
I work at a smaller west coast office of a midwestern Big Law firm. I took 4 months off with my first baby and 6 with my second, and it was wonderful having that benefit available. Does your new smaller city have any such offices?
SA-litagor
6 months maternity leave at a small firm?! Hahahhaha! Those “horror stories” of 6-8 weeks are pretty good actually, considering that all firms with under 50 employees don’t even have to abide by FMLA. Three months is the GOLD standard at a small firm – you’d be blessed to find it. I work at a 20 attorney firm and I’ll be taking 2 months off. At first I thought that sounded like so little, and it is, but you have to remember that a small firm has a lot less resources to be able to float employees who don’t bring in collections for that amount of time. You could be in the best, most supportive small firm, but it it doesn’t add up financially they can’t do it. And don’t even think about government, state or federal, they get 0 paid maternity leave- it’s just what you’ve saved up in terms of sick leave or vacation leave. So yeah, if you’d like 4-6 months (who wouldn’t!), I’d say stick it out at the big firm and maybe move up your TTC date.
Meg Murry
Yes, if it’s a small place and they are hiring you for a specific expertise, they may be relying on you to be there and really can’t go multiple months without you there.
I only took 8 weeks with my first son and almost 12 with the second, and while I hear you that longer was definitely better, it could be a real hardship on a small company. If they only offer something in the 6-12 weeks, could you negotiate something like 8 weeks off, then another 3-6 months at 50-75%?
LLBMBA
The argument that it’s an impossible hardship on a small company rings so false to me, given that even small companies in Canada survive it all the time, all while having to provide 12 months of leave (unpaid – though you collect unemployment benefits while on leave, and some companies will top you up). It happens up here all the time, and somehow, we all muddle through.
Anonymous
I think it would actually be easier to find a replacement for a year term than a short term of 2-3 months. Easier to attract someone when they know there is some stability to the position, and the person will be there long enough to get a solid grasp on the company and job duties rather than being the lost new kid the entire time.
TBK
I think this is probably true. LLMMBA, do you know how companies typically do it? Also, how difficult is it to get hired if you’re a pregnancy “risk” (e.g., 30 yo, married 2-3 yrs — prime kid-producing time)? Are women as well/better represented in the workforce/management/professional positions as in the US? Is there an industry devoted to placing temps to cover maternity leave? Do women advance as quickly as men? I would imagine there would be some honest deterioration of skills if you’re out of the workforce for a year — any research on how long it takes women to get back up to speed and whether they pay a career-long penalty for their year(s) out? Do women have to be really totally disconnected from work during that time to get benefits (I know that some disability insurance prohibits even jumping on conference calls or responding to email while you’re “disabled”), or do women still keep a toe in while they’re out?
Meg Murry
And in Canada the company doesn’t have to pay the employee during the leave (although they can choose to top up what the government offers) and they don’t have to pay for the employee’s health insurance (while on leave or otherwise).
Canada’s system is way better – the US system is just broken, no doubt. But it is still a big burden on small businesses in the US where certain expertise is held by only 1-2 employees and the employer would have to pay costs to have an employee + a temp (if they could even find a temp for 3-6 months).
Anonymous
@TBK- you’re really overthinking this. It is the norm and expected in Canada for people to take around a year. Many women I know have chosen to take around 8 months, but that’s because they were getting bored at home.
Also, the way it works here is that the first few months I think are designated as “pregnancy leave” or something, and the remainder of the year can be split between mother and father for leave. We’re
The majority of new female lawyers are in the demographic you describe, and have kids within a few years. No, there isn’t a special industry that places mat leave temps, firms just hire contract lawyers for a year, or they redistribute the work. There isn’t supposed to be a penalty, but some may miss their lockstep increase for the year.
Some women continue to put in a little bit of time (especially partners that want to maintain their practice), but EI will cut off at some number of hours “worked” per week, I think it’s around 30 hours?
Basically, the US system is awful. Canada’s system is better, but still far from perfect. The biggest space for improvement, in my opinion, would be affordable, flexible and reliable childcare for when parents go back to work. That is still an issue for us.
Anon
In my perfect world, my job would pay me US wages, I would have Canadian maternity leave and healthcare and then, when I return to work, my child would be in the French childcare system.
TBK
I don’t see how that’s overthinking it. I think what we have is unworkable, for the most part, and forces women and their families to bear the costs of new children while society reaps a large part of the benefit at little cost (new people = new workers down the line, something every society needs if it’s going to prosper; society in the form of taxpayers provides some contribution, ie bears some cost, in the way of public schooling and programs like WIC but in most cases the full cost of raising the child is on the child’s parents).
Placing the full burden on employers doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either, however. Especially since there will be some employers who because their work attracts a disproportionate number of younger women (nursing and teaching come to mind) who bear a large cost. The point about being able to hire a temp more easily for a year vs 2-3 months is an excellent one and something I hadn’t considered. If the employer isn’t paying the worker on leave and is able to hire a temp with comparable skills, the expense to the employer is actually less for a 12 month leave than for a 2 month leave (there will be some expense in the time spent finding the temp and training that person, but it would be minimal if the job were one for which a number of qualified temps were available).
The concern, however, is always that if there is an additional cost to the employer, that the employer will not hire the worker that incurs the extra cost (you can outlaw discrimination, but just ask someone with a disability if it’s any harder for them to get hired even with the ADA). Also, you really see a dearth of women in upper professional levels in Germany and many have tied that to the country’s very generous policies that ultimately encourage women to leave the work force and stay home with the children. I’ve heard that finding daycare for young children can be very difficult in Germany. Some might think that extra time home with the kids is good, but I would argue that’s good only if that’s what you want. If you’d prefer to go back after a year but can’t because you can’t find daycare, that’s less good. Also, any time you offer benefits it changes behavior. You might decide that the change is good, or that the bad change is worth it because of the good the benefit provides. But you can’t just wave it off as irrelevant. If a generous maternity leave policy results in fewer professional opportunities for women, that would be information important to know before deciding to implement that policy.
If this is all working well in Canada, and the concerns I raised are not really an issue, that’s fantastic. Really. That’s really, really good. But I don’t think asking the questions in the first place is overthinking it. We get no end of bad policy from our legislators failing to think through the effects of their legislation.
(Former) Clueless Summer
It should be pointed out that in Canadian law firms, women who take maternity leave as associates are generally then 1 full year behind in partner track. An 8th year who took 2 1 year mat leaves will not be up until 10th year whereas her male counterparts will be up at 8th year. We don’t hire contract lawyers generally, work is simply redistributed, but government/nursing/teachers will hire a replacement for a year – many young teachers are able to get into the system this way through long term placements.
Anonymous
@TBK there isn’t an additional cost to the employer to the extent you think.
The paid portion of maternity leave is part of our employment insurance. As in, I PAY into it as part of my taxes, then if I have a child (or lose my job!), the federal government pays me. Yes, many companies offer a top up, because EI only covers the first $50k of earnings, but there is no requirement for companies to offer a top up payment. Self-employed persons aren’t covered, but they have the option to pay into EI, and then be able to receive payments on their maternity leave.
So, the additional cost to employers is limited to administrative costs around hiring someone to do the job temporarily, or redistributing the work.
SoCalAtty
I think this could be totally workable in the US. We already have an unemployment insurance system that we all pay into. At least for me, in no way could me drawing on that UI ever meet what I will pay into it over a lifetime.
Extend FMLA job protection to 12 months, apply it to all employers, allow us to draw on UI for the duration – BAM. US has a policy like Canada’s. Problem solved.
Diana Barry
Love this.
My firm is small but JUST meets FMLA with attorneys + staff; that said, I took 8 weeks “disability” and then my 4 weeks of vacation for the year both times. I also came back with 2 days in office/2 days WAH per week, which helped.
Blonde Lawyer
There are some jobs where you can’t hire a temp. For example, law enforcement jobs require you to go through an academy and if federal get a security clearance. People don’t go to the academy until after they are hired and the academy is often as long as a maternity leave. Do such agencies in Canada just employ more people to deal with the leaves? My husband’s employer’s budget does not allow them to hire the extra LEO’s they need to cover everyone’s leave. They make do but it can be hard at times – particularly as two officers are going to be on leave at the same time and will likely require some change in duties pre-leave. (Not being able to fit into your vest can be a problem).
I’m fully supportive of more liberal maternity leave policies and I really wish we had them. I also see the hardships. The only solution I can think of is for companies to run less lean. Maybe then people will feel better about taking vacation time too.
Blonde Lawyer
Just to be clear, the problem I mention above about staffing too lean is for all leaves, not just maternity. They run into issues when someone is deployed or breaks a leg too.
AN
Most Asian countries have a 12 week or 16 week policy. And it is usually a State policy – not left to employers.
So yeah, the US system is weird – for such a developed country!
AN
Fully paid, forgot to add.
kc esq
Some states require protected maternity leave even if they are below the FMLA threshold — Massachusetts is one.
Anon for this
At my old firm, which was around 90 attorneys, I got 8 weeks paid leave. At my new 25-attorney firm I get 3 months paid. I think 8 weeks is around the norm for my city. As SA-Litigator said, 3 months appears to be the gold standard.
One of the things that my firm does, though, is use a lot of contract attorneys for part-time work. There are a lot of lawyers in my city looking for flexible work arrangements who are available to do writing and research projects on a contract basis. As a mid-level associate, the work I do CAN be done by a part-time contract lawyer. I think that’s how my firm plans on covering me when I’m out. It may be worth discussing with the new employer – seeing if this is something they are open to or aware of as an option.
CPA Lady
Yeah, in my 500+ employee public accounting office there is ZERO WEEKS paid maternity leave. You can take your vacation time, your sick time, and short term disability at 2/3 pay. Anything else you want is unpaid. Yay, America.
LilyS
It still does my head in that there’s a defined amount of ‘sick time.’ Surely you’re sick for the amount of time you’re sick?
anon
I work at the firm that’s about 30 lawyers, and I got two months paid, two months unpaid. Four months total. There was no official policy when I approached the partners, and there was some general email string asking about the women who most recently had babies at the firm. Turns out recent female partners took two months. I wanted as long as possible. Working out a plan was more about having a good conversation and depending on the good will of the managing partner. One female partner did say something like–“I was back after 8 weeks, ” but whatever–I just let it slide and focus on enjoying time with my baby.
Also check state laws, which can be more generous than federal and can be used as a guideline when you approach your employer.
Lyssa
I just had this discussion this week (expecting in June). My firm has around 15 attorneys, and doesn’t have formal, well, much of anything (i.e., vacation is an “informal 2 weeks,” which basically means no one really tracks anything PTO related, you’ve just kind of got to use your judgment). Only one other attorney is a mom, and she is also the only female partner.
I actually asked about the policy when I interviewed, but the response was basically “We don’t have a policy, but we’ll work with you.” Now that I’m at that point, it took a while to get an answer, but what I was finally told was 6 weeks paid and they will work with me on taking additional time unpaid if I want. The female partner said that she took 6 weeks paid and 6 weeks unpaid (years back).
I’m good with that for the reasons mentioned above (that I understand that there are limits regarding what is really financially feasible, and I occupy enough of a singular role that there’s a limit on how they can just redistribute my work). I intend to take 8 weeks off, same as I did for my first, though I may do some part time work from home before then. I should add that my situation is easier than most, as my husband stays at home with the kids (so, no day care to worry about). We made sure to save enough that I could take a reasonable amount of time off unpaid if needed.
I had to laugh when I told my husband that yesterday – he doesn’t follow the policy debates related to this sort of thing at all, and he was basically “They’re giving you 6 weeks of pay for not doing any work. That’s So Awesome!”
Hollis
Similar situation. Had 6 weeks of paid short term disability leave (+4 weeks unpaid) with TWINS, then with my third baby (switched firms) and had 6 week full pay (+4 weeks unpaid + 1 vacation week). Yup, it stinks. If paid leave matters to and you don’t like your firm’s policy, then you can buy short term disability insurance, which covers insurance, but when I looked into it, you need to start paying premiums 10 months before you are eligible for maternity benefits. Also, if I had had a C section, I would have received 8 weeks of paid STD instead of 6, because that’s how my firms’ insurance worked. My manager and I joked that I could have had 1 twin vaginally and 1 twin by C-section and taken 14 weeks off!
Hildegarde
I would discuss this with the firm in advance if you’re not afraid it would damage your ability to get good work (I hate that I have to type that caveat). I work at a 14 attorney firm in a medium-sized Midwestern city, and a couple years ago one of the female associates had a baby. There was no maternity leave policy, and all she was able to negotiate was three weeks paid and a couple months unpaid. Not great. Then she felt like she was being pushed out by suspicious e-mails from partners during her leave, so she got a new job and never returned from leave.
FWIW, there have been few female associates at my firm ever, and none with children, no female partners, and all the partners have wives who stay home (yes, I am trying to leave). So, if you’re afraid to ask about/negotiate maternity leave policy now, look at those factors as possible clues for how sympathetic the partners will be.
Anonymous
Medium midwestern city- for my first I was at a very small firm, less than 5 attorneys. I took off 16 weeks, 12 of which were unpaid. I really didn’t care about the money, I just wanted that time. For my second, I was a slightly larger firm that just qualified for FMLA. I wanted to do 16 weeks again, but they wouldn’t let me. I had 8 weeks of short term disability pay and then the rest was unpaid. There did not seem to be any real policy, but when I asked about taking off longer unpaid, I received push back because they did not want to set a precedent or treat me differently than a staff member. 6 months is probably a reach for a smaller firm.
Wildkitten
Negotiate vacation days. Don’t mention maternity. Use time off either way.
Sydney Bristow
I love this necklace! And this 31 year old loves statement necklaces in general.
Kelly Andthenblog
Yeah, I also enjoy this necklace and statements. I usually wear statements, too, because I am “large of chest” and frankly, they are more proportional to my frame. Tiny dainty necklaces visually (…and sometimes *physically*…) get lost on my frame.
And, also, I just like them. I’m not sure why I felt like I needed to justify that. Oh, right, it was the last line in the post. ;)
Anonymous Poser
+1
I also am “large of chest” and proportionality is a thing for me.
And yeah, I just like them, too. :-)
bewbs mcgee
Dainty necklaces get lost in the abyss of my cleavage. Long necklaces loop and hook around the bewb. Statement necklaces are usually the proper length and size for my physique.
Bridal Shower gift
Hi all, I’m foreign so I don’t quite know the etiquette for this. I’m invited to a bridal shower this weekend, and the invite lists registries at two stores. When I go to those registries, they’re the couple’s wedding registries, where I will buy a gift for the wedding. Do I buy gifts from the same registry for the bridal shower? Or should I get something else? What’s the typical spend (perhaps in comparison to wedding gift spend)? Typically for weddings I would buy something from the registry and have it shipped directly to the couple, but I’m guessing that for the bridal shower I will need to actually take the gift to the event?
ace
I typically purchase something smaller from the registry ($50 typically) from the registry for shower & then do a check ($150+) for the wedding, if that helps. Most people will actually bring gifts to the shower.
Brit
In terms of taking the gift to the shower, it depends on if the couple lives where the shower is being held. Both of my friends who are getting married in the next few months live very far from their hometown/wedding/shower locations, so I had their gift shipped to the store nearest them and then printed off the purchase confirmation and put it in the card for them to open at the shower.
Must be Tuesday
Yes, it’s typical to use the same registry for the bridal shower and the wedding itself. Most people bring actual wrapped gifts to a bridal shower, rather than having the present shipped directly to the couple from the store.
Ellen
Yay! Coffee Break! I love coffee Break and this statement necklace b/c it is NOT that gaudy. I hate gaudy neclaces that cause men to call attention to my boobie’s. Men so often do NOT looke me in the eye, but instead focus on my boobie’s, even when I have a fully buttoned up blouse. Mabye in 30 year’s when my boobie’s sag like Grandma Truidy I might think differently, but for now, I realy do NOT like for men to stare at my boobie’s b/c right now they are thinking of ONLEY one thing, and that is to see what my boobie’s look like w/o my blouse on and I am NOT about to show any man my boobie’s just b/c we go out to dinner. FOOEY on men who expect this and more for the price of a $35 meal. DOUBEL FOOEY!
As for the OP, it all depend’s on when the wedding is vs the bridal shower. I alway’s give cheaper home like thing’s for the bridal shower, like a toaster oven, so that if they break up b/f the wedding, I will not have given a $200 gift from the registry. Alternatively, you can give 2 cheep gift’s, but you do NOT want to be remembered for that. Also, if YOU are goeing to get married, do NOT be cheep b/c they will give you something from CVS if you are NOT carful. FOOEY on Alan, who got all his gifts for me from CVS, includeing a crappy brooch that I do NOT even think was real metal, let alone gold. I gave it to my neice, who lost it in her sandbox. No loss. FOOEY on Sheketovits and his CVS Brooch!
Today, a guy stared and whisteled at me on 38th Street, where they are doeing some renovation. I just stared back at him. I refuse to be objectified by men who are ONLEY interested in sex. What is it with these guy’s? Do they seriously think we are going to flash our boobie’s or pull our panties down for them just b/c they are stareing and whisteling at us? FOOEY! I told my mom and she said be happy b/c men still find me beautiful. I said I do NOT want men like that. I want a man that I can talk politic’s with and who respect’s MY opinion!
I just learned today that Kris Kristie want’s to do away with Social Security for people who have their own 401k and make more then $80K a year. Is he serius? Why have I been scrimping and saveing , so that he can take away my Social Security when I retire? FOOEY on that! I pay every year a lot of money into Social Security and I save in a 401K. Why should I get screwed with his dumb idea? I want to have a fun retirement–that is why I work so hard now. I think Kristie is foolish with his idea’s. He lost a lot of weight–something tells me some loss was in his cerebruem. FOOEY on Kristie, even if his tuchus is small er then it used to be! FOOEY!
Meg Murry
Typically you bring a wrapped gift to be opened at the shower. Off the registry is usually the best/safest way to go. If it’s a bridal shower only (only the bride, not a couples shower) and you know the bride’s likes and dislikes, you can try to get one of the items you suspect is more of a gift for “her” than for “him” – for instance, if she enjoys baking and gardening and has items related to those on the registry, get those – whereas if she hates cooking and he does the majority of it, don’t go for the kitchen items. If you don’t know her well enough to know these things though, no harm no foul in just picking whatever is available on the registry in your price range.
If you absolutely can’t get anything off the registry in time, or if you know the couple doesn’t live in the area where the shower is being held, a nice card with gift card to one of the registry places works too.
From a single person, under $50 is typical – in my area (lower COL, not so many “overachieving chicks” as on this s!te) the gift is usually in the $20-$50 from everyone except people like the sister of the bride or aunts who love to buy gifts their nieces – for the higher priced items people often buy them as together as a group.
SC
Buying from the registry is typical for a bridal shower, but of course you can buy anything you’d like. At my bridal shower, I mostly received smaller kitchen items in the $25-50 price range, especially from people who didn’t know me that well. But some close friends and family gave me sentimental or creative gifts that weren’t on the registry and that I still love.
I think buying a wrapped gift is more common because many bridal showers include time for the bride to open gifts in front of everyone. But if it’s more practical to have it shipped, then it’s fine to print a confirmation and put that in a card.
I usually spend $40-50 for a bridal shower, vs $150-200 (from me and DH) for most weddings. Also, I generally have a rule that if I’m invited to multiple pre-wedding occasions with gifts (engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties that require gifts), I buy a gift for one of them and a card or something very small for the others.
Moonstone
Calling New Yorkers
I’m going to visit New York and stay with a relative for a few days. I need to ship a few packages to arrive when I am there. Has anyone used the Parcel service? It sounds as if you ship to the Parcel warehouse and then they deliver to your apartment in the evening for 5 bucks.
Alternatively, any suggestions for a Hell’s Kitchen location of a package-accepting service? I have already looked at UPS and FedEx, but perhaps there is a local outfit? The location is 10th Ave and 54th St.
Thanks!
Sydney Bristow
A friend in Brooklyn has raved about Parcel. It doesn’t exist in Queens yet (where I am) but I’m definitely planning to try it when it is available.
Moonstone
Thanks. I just needed to confirm that it’s a real, legit service.
Emily
Does your relative not live in a doorman building? If it’s a doorman building, use regular mail services (USPS, FedEx, UPS).
Even if not, ask your relative how they receive packages.
Anon
+1
Moonstone
No doorman. He’s a young guy and doesn’t ever receive packages. (It’s amazing to me, too, but true.)
Susie
First, I’m really enjoying the show Younger! Diana’s necklaces are pretty out-there, but fashion-wise she’s not portrayed as being out of touch I think it’s just supposed to show more her big strong personality more than age.
Second, I’m a chicken about wearing statement necklaces, usually too much of a statement for me! Crazy I know. I’ve bought a few I thought I would like but I usually stick with my little pendants.
la vie en bleu
I’m liking the show, too, although I admit I think Sutton Foster can do no wrong. ;o) but i love getting to see her regularly again, since Bunheads was cancelled.
But, more seriously, I like the large cast of women, and the writing is good.
Le Goat
Hi ladies,
I’m sure almost everyone has had to deal with this before (except me), but recently my body has gone through some changes and I have went from having no bottom to having a much more ample backside. I enjoy this, except now all of my underwear (bikini style mainly) seem to cut halfway through and leave very visible VPL. Besidies th0ngs, which I have never found comfortable enough for 12-14 hour days in the office, suggestions? I am willing to spend money for comfortable panties that will fix this problem. I suppose if my current set didn’t have elastic all the way around, maybe that would help? TIA!
TO Lawyer
Hanky panky?
Carrie...
Yes – Hanky panky thongs. My Nordstrom’s consultant finally converted me. I was just like you and stayed far away from thongs. But this is really the only fail-safe option.
nutella
second hanky panky! they are the only thing i own outside of normal cotton briefs for sleeping/lounging around the house. i have always had an ample backside and they are the only thing that don’t ride up, never show, and i completely forget about.
Anonny
Boyshorts work really well for me!
Burgher
I’m a recent boyshort convert. I just hadn’t found a brand that works for me previously. I finally ended up liking one from Kohl’s, I think Maidenform? I am also a big hanky panky fan – of their briefs and thongs (though I hate their and any other low rise panties). I’m slowly upgrading my undies when I can snag sales!
Anonymous
Try the On Gossamer mesh thongs. I hated thongs until I tried these, but they actually are comfortable enough to wear all day and you can wear them under anything. It’s eliminated my need to have any other kind of underwear (I used to try on about 7 different “levels” ranging from most comfortable to least comfortable to see what was the most comfortable I could get away with and not have VPL–it was such a pain of a process). I still change into cotton bikinis at home, but these are great for all day.
Wanderlust
paging Ellen for tuchus help!
S in Chicago
OK–I seriously just snorted. People are looking at me now.
pearls
Yikes, me too!
Anonattorney
Sort of a weird answer, but have you tried thongs now that you have a more ample backside? I’ve always found thongs to be very comfortable, I think in part because I have a lot of cushion. Also, welcome to the club! Congrats on your new behind.
nutella
+1 hahaha, this made me laugh so hard.
+2 for thongs being the only things that dont ride up or show.
tesyaa
Skimmies are highly recommended on this s!te.
Blonde Lawyer
I hate thongs too and I like the target version of the lululemon light as air panties. They are generally seamless and don’t show through much. I don’t mind a slight hint that I’m actually wearing underwear but I don’t want the clear “woah, VPL look.”
Wildkitten
What are they called?
S in Chicago
Maidenform boyshorts are the bomb. The ones with the slight lace edge (as opposed to plain banding) are completely invisible.
Burgher
Oh, yay, you confirmed my memory of Maidenform being my boyshort convert brand. I am going through pregnancy weight gain/loss time and so my memory on what the heck I even wear right now is hazy, at best. Totally with the lace edge! They also have really cute matching bras. A good way to use up your Kohl’s cash – which they no longer accept if it’s expired.
Jen
Naomi and Nicole hispters or bikinis. More generous cut, they have a little grip so they never ride up, and they are truly invisible under even the most sheer pants or dresses.
I hate thongs, too, so I only ever wear boyshorts or hipsters.
Anonymous
I actually really like the cheeky style from Victoria’s Secret
Mommy Monster
Has anyone attended the AICHE Spring Meeting?I’m trying to guess at the dress code and what to pack while pregnant.
Meg Murry
I have not, but at the AIChE conference I went to in college the dress code for guys was that 97.5% of them were wearing plaid button down collared shirts with khakis, so I think you can aim for the more casual side :-)
Here are some picture from the 2013 meeting – that might help you get an idea of the dress code. http://www.aiche.org/conferences/aiche-spring-meeting-and-global-congress-on-process-safety/2013/2013-spring-meeting-and-gcps-photo-galleries
Karen
Oh! I went to the spring meeting a few years ago. I can’t remember exactly what I wore but i second the knit dress. The men will be in uniform (khaki pants) and the dressed up men will have on a jacket too.
Anonymous
ACS (chemical society) and not AIChE, but joke was the uniform was khakis and a navy blazer (for the guys at least). I’d probably go with a dark/patterned knit dress, pregnant or not :)
Mommy Monster
Thanks ladies!
tesyaa
My 91-year old retired father is/was a member of AIChE. When working he always dressed like Mad Men (the 60s were really the heyday of his career). Times have changed, for sure.
Apples
Funny little question. I am co-hosting a good friend’s baby shower. It’s a girl and the invitations have a floral theme. I thought it would be cute to address the envelopes in magenta ink. Is that too cutesy/non-traditional or somehow else offensive? Should I just stick with black? TYIA!
Anon
You’re overthinking it. As long as you don’t fill the envelope with glitter that will go everywhere when it’s opened, no one will be offended.
meme
+1. Sounds cute.
CountC
I am not trying to be an a$$hole here, but IMO baby showers are nothing BUT cutesy. Go for it!
Burgher
For reals. Baby showers *are* cutesy. Go against your instincts, in this one case, and err on the side of over the top. Magenta the *F* out of it!
Apples
Ah, glad to hear it — thanks all!
Anonny
Oh my. I appreciate the thought you’re putting into this, but you’re way over thinking this. Go for magenta!
Meg Murry
If the mom has requested that you don’t do pinks or minimize the pink, don’t do it. If she hasn’t expressed an opinion one way or another, and the shower isn’t pink on pink on pink overload, magenta ink should be fine.
Hildegarde
I think if ever you wanted to wig out with cutesy, girly stuff like flowers and magenta pens, the baby shower for your friend who is having a girl is the time to do it. Go for it!
Must be Tuesday
Magenta! Although, admittedly I use red or green ink for my Christmas cards.
Mpls
Are the envelopes addressed to go in the postal mail? I’d probably just stick with black, and save the pink ink for the invitation itself.
If not going in the mail- whatever floats your boat.
anon4this
I had an in person interview three weeks ago and hadn’t heard anything and had pretty much given up, although I heard yesterday from a friend that this timeframe isn’t unusual. I just got an email from the university president asking to speak with me late tonight and saying that they are not ready to conclude the search at this time, for reasons unrelated to my candidacy. She wants to talk with me about my continued interest while they work on resolving whatever problems are in the way (potentially a few weeks). GAAAAAAAH! Ok, so calm down and get ready to have a serious conversation with the university president late tonight. I guess I can’t prepare because I have no idea what she will say.
Terry
Seems like a great time to deploy a line I read ‘askamanager’ recently. “Do you have any concerns about my candidacy that I can address?” (paraphrasing).
anon4this
good idea!
Mpls
But they told her the delay was unrelated to her candidacy, so that question actually sounds like she wasn’t listening.
You could go with “Please let me know if there are any further questions I can answer as you move forward” instead.
anon4this
Well, she said not “directly” related so who knows. I’ll wait and see what seems appropriate.
Must be Tuesday
Sounds to me like she has some bureaucratic hurdle preventing her from closing the application period and making an offer, but she wants you for the position. She may want to explain this to you as candidly as she is permitted to do under the circumstances, and make sure that you will still be interested in x number of weeks when she is finally able to make an offer. Crossing my fingers that this is the situation. Good luck!
anon4this
Thanks! I hope so.
Meg Murry
Check the town papers, school webs!te and student paper webs!te. Do you have an in with anyone that works there? It’s possible that someone high profile quit or announced their retirement or has a scandal, and they are considering restructuring or want to fill that position first. Or if finances are shaky, they may have decided not to fill any vacancies until the next fiscal year (for may colleges that’s July 1).
Brush up on any news you can find, and make a list of dealbreakers/what if scenarios. What if they ask you to hold off for a year? What if they ask you to take less money, or a lower title? What if they ask you to consider a higher title/responsibility level? What if what what if what if …
But good luck and hopefully it’s good news, even if it’s slow news.
Baconpancakes
Someone posted recommendations for a unique New York florist the other day, but the search results aren’t bringing anything up. Anyone know of anywhere that does something interesting with flowers? Maybe even a place that delivers flowers and chocolates or little gifts of some sort?
AIMS
I’ve used Sterling Fell florist with excellent results. http://www.sterlingfell.com/
Cream Tea
Unique New York.
Anne
As an addendum to the paternity leave discussion, I just found the Buzzfeed photo series/article on “what Swedish men do when they’re home on paternity leave”. http://www.buzzfeed.com/lynzybilling/this-is-what-it-looks-like-when-men-are-allowed-to-take-60-d#.mwo3YPrJJE
ORD
Oh wow. Can I be Swedish? Please???
ezt
So, I got the job I interviewed the other day (I posted freaking out about whether a teal shirt was okay and was appropriately/humorously talked down by the hive). Yay! Now, I have to give notice in my small office, where typically people giving notice does NOT go over well (despite the high turnover), and I am dreading that part a bit. Anyone have a good blueprint for giving notice? I know the general stuff – leave on a high note, no bitching, be gracious – and I have the ability to give a good deal of notice, luckily, but I am having trouble formulating the actual words that should come out of my mouth once I sit down in my boss’s office. Help?
PS — yes, I did wear the teal shirt.
TNT
I did exactly this, my script pretty much went:
Hi WORSTBOSS, do you have a minute to talk? [close door, sit down] I wanted to let you know that I’ve accepted a new position at NEWJOB, and my final day at OLDJOB will be DATE.
And then for the love, stick to it. My horrible boss first gave the the silent treatment, then begged me to stay, then cut my notice period short, then called me with questions for weeks/months after I left.
Just take a deep breath, and good luck!
la vie en bleu
Hey, Congratulations!!!! You just kind of glossed over that part ;o) Yay! enjoy the new job!
Anonymous
Thank you!! (Whoops this is ezt)
AnnonForThis
Helpful discussion on maternity leave above.
Law firms indeed have quite generous leave policy. I work in finance and only get 12 weeks off paid after working here for 5 years !! I don’t know any senior level women who have actually taken any mat leave, we hardly have any women in the first place in such positions. So my question is how much time does one actually need to physically recover from birth and be well enough for a desk job (not much walking/standing/physical stress) for atleast 6-8 hours? Is 3-4 weeks enough after a c-section if your doctor is okay with it? Baby will be home with both sets of grandparents and I simply don’t feel maternal enough to actually want to stay home for 3-4 or even 6 months with the baby at great harm to my career. I am not pregnant yet, but probably in next 2-3 years. No I don’t want to change my employer to something more family friendly, that kind of job simply doesn’t exist in my field. I like the prestige, career growth, pay potential in this area and it is important for me to feel fulfilled with what I am doing.
Meg Murry
I wouldn’t plan to come back at any earlier than 6 weeks (8 weeks for a c-section). Unless you plan to have grandparents and husband doing most/all of the night wakings, and dont plan to b-feed at all, you will still be a zombie at 6 weeks. I know some C-level execs have come back at 2-4 weeks like Ivanka Trump and Melissa Mayer, but they also have multiple round-the-clock nannies and people to handle things like cooking, grocery shopping, laundry etc etc.
You may still be bleeding and otherwise physically recovering at 6-8 weeks. I’d post tomorrow am on Corpor3tt3moms for more opinions
Anonymous
So I had a very easy pregnancy and uncomplicated delivery. Literally the first thing I did after being discharged from the hospital was go for a run because I was so sick of being cooped up and wanted to move around. I only took 8 weeks of my 18 week mat leave at the beginning (and used the rest to cover sick days, holidays, etc.) because I hated being home. I regret it, because working while so severely sleep deprived made it impossible for me to do the quality of work I usually do, and to this day I am shocked that I didn’t commit malpractice during my first couple of months back. I agree that the CEO types who are not taking any (or take very brief) maternity leaves can do so only because they have round-the-clock nannies and are not getting up with their babies multiple times per night.. Or maybe they, unlike me, can function on 4 hours of sleep for months on end.
Diana Barry
This is CRAZY. How in the world were you able to do that? Were you not swollen?
OP, FWIW, I and all my friends were bleeding and feeling terrible in our bodies for 4-6 weeks minimum. C-section, 8 weeks AT LEAST. My b*obs didn’t settle down and not feel engorged all the time for 4 months! If you have any complications, it will last longer – I lost a lot of blood with my first delivery and couldn’t do much more than feed the baby and eat for a month.
bkfoer
I had my first child as a 3rd year law student, c-section for placenta previa on 10/10, I was back in class on 10/20 (though not fully by my choice, my MIL and husband decided her arrival date and that I would be returning that date — without talking to me who had secured additional time off from my professors — still bitter 6+ years later). I was not able to drive for the 8 weeks, my MIL took me and walked around campus while I was in class.
We tried forever to get pregnant with my 2nd child, we had officially stopped trying due to timing with my clerkship ending and what would have been the due date – but we were not preventing, just figured we may need additional help 2nd time around. I was offered a position in July to start in October (fiscal year) — sure enough I ended up pregnant, due date end of March. Disclosed to the employer the first week, took off 6 weeks, worked right up until I went into labor (had a VBAC).
Coming back that early was brutal, but slugged through, pumping and sleep deprived. Fortunately no PPD issues, though I can imagine that would be problematic. I did have shorter days M-F and came in on the weekend to fill in the gap/catch up on workload. I think 8 weeks would have been better, 10 weeks the best. I am fortunate that my husband is the P/T employed so does the bulk of the caretaking – I could nurse, get ready in the AM and be out the door without worrying about getting things for daycare/nanny etc. He handled the doctors appointments and such. It would have been more of a struggle if he did not handle that.
cc
Wait your husband and MIL decided when you would have your baby and when you would return to law school? You can’t really be bitter- allowing that to happen is on you. If I read that correctly thats one of the most insane things I’ve read on here
AN
You allowed your husband and MIl to decide that you would take only 10 days mat-leave?? Did they physically push you out of the door or what? You can’t be bitter for allowing that!
Baby No More
I had a period at 8 weeks post partum where I couldn’t stop crying. It was not depression or PPD at all, just a rush of hormone changes in a very short period of time. I cried probably 10 times a day and just could not help myself. It only lasted less than a week, but I was glad that I was at home as I was tearing up that frequently. I did not expect this, but my doctor assured me that it is fairly common, and I have seen other mothers go through it.
And I hate to bring up bad things, but my full term baby ended up in the NICU for 2 weeks for meconium aspiration which was totally not something that I had counted on in my carefully timed and executed pregnancy and birth and maternity leave plans. There are definitely things that cannot be planned for or anticipated. I was happy I had the flexibility use that time, and still have 10 weeks after to just hold her.
CPA Lady
I had an easy planned c-section for a breech baby, and no, I would not have been ready to go back to work after 3-4 weeks. At that point, a trip to the grocery store to buy 2-3 items took so much out of me that I’d have to lie down for a while afterwards. You have just had major surgery. And the sleep deprivation is no joke, especially if you plan on nursing. I had no idea, but newborns eat about 10-12 times per day.
I would say the absolute earliest I felt ready to go back to work was in the 9-10 week window. I went back at 11 weeks, which was perfect, because by that point she’d been sleeping “through the night” for about a week, and I felt like I had some grasp on being able to form a sentence and could fake being competent until I got back into the swing of things. I can’t imagine trying to do anything complex before then.
As far as not feeling maternal enough to want to stay home, I understand where you are coming from– I am not really a “baby” person, but it is insane what the postpartum hormone roller-coaster will do to you. I was happy to go back to work and did not feel guilty about it at all, but you may find that you are far more emotional than you had anticipated being.
AnnonForThis
Thanks everyone who responded, definitely gives a good perspective.
I am afraid taking anything more than 6-8 weeks will put my career on the dreaded mommy track which I absolutely do not want at any cost and I would hate myself/future husband+kid for that. At least good to know it is doable though sounds incredibly tough. Anything that is not directly recovering myself will be handed over to the husband and grandparents and nanny. I am afraid I will be a very selfish new mom (or definitely put myself before cleaning/cooking/diaper changing tasks).
I will also make sure not to move to the suburbs with a long commute. Right now I am 10 minute cab ride away door to door. The finace wants to move before kids, not happening, staying so far away will make it even more difficult to get back to work quickly.