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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cowl-Neck Tunic Sweatshirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

I’m always looking for “fancy” versions of my favorite cozy clothes. This cowl-neck sweatshirt isn’t something I would have given a second glance to a year ago but somehow seems like an urgent need today.

The mint green color is gorgeous and the sweatshirt material looks comfortable, but with the cowl neck, it’s a slightly elevated version of loungewear.

The sweatshirt is available in regular sizes XXS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–XL. The mint green is $79.50 full price but comes down to $47.70 with code LAYERUP; the heather gray and “dainty mauve” (both in petite only) are on final sale for $64.88 but are reduced to $25.95 at checkout. 

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Workwear sales of note for 9.20.23:

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Workwear sales of note for 9.20.23:

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    What would you wear to dinner at a fancy spa? Planning some fantasy post covid travel.

    • Lilau

      A cream-colored luxe cashmere crew neck with matching cashmere wide-leg pants. A berry lip stain with no other makeup and diamond stud earrings and no other jewelry, silk scarf worn as a turban, needlepoint loafers as almost slippers.*

      *this is a fantasy and I don’t own any of these things. I went to the canyon ranch in Lennox once and every dressed in yoga clothes for dinner. I hope you have a great time at the fancy spa.

      • Anonymous

        This is my fantasy thank you. And thanks for the heads up at athleisure is probably fine.

        Related: fave fantasy rich lady athleisure for a size 16?

        • BeenThatGuy

          Look at 11honore.com My fantasy size 16 wardrobe is their entire collection.

          • BeenThatGuy

            It’s actually a company/store that sells all the extended sizes for high end designers. They have Derek Lam, DVF, Dolce & Gabbana, Jason Wu, Zac Posen, etc. Each designer fits differently but they have a great return and exchange policy. DVF is true to size for me but Dolce is small. All the items have lengthy descriptions to help you pick the size.

      • No Face

        This is great to hear. I want to go to the canyon ranch (maybe 2022?) and I would love to wear yoga clothes and athleisure the whole time.

    • Anon

      The last time I was at a fancy spa everyone wore athleisure or robes and bathing suits!

    • Cat

      A fancy maxi dress – DVF wrap? – that I have nowhere to wear IRL. I picture wearing it swanning effortlessly around the pool area at sunset, when there’s just enough chill in the air that I won’t be too hot in all the fabric.

      • Anon

        Man, DVF wraps are not effortless on me. I had mine almost unwrap during my daughter’s christening. Fabric is so slippery, I have no chest to fill out the top part (vs coverage needs of my lower half, even nursing), and even if I hadn’t been wrangling a baby, I walk, the wind blows. I’d never several strong drinks to just let things take their natural course.

        • Anon

          I am an F cup, and DVF wraps are high-maintenance on my figure as well. It’s like trying to stuff an octopus in a sleeping bag. I am convinced they are all marketing, no substance.

          • grainofinfinity

            Same size here; wraps just don’t work on me no matter what fabric they’re made of. Even faux wraps gap and need camis. I’ve tried and tried and given up.

          • Cat

            hahaha that is a great image! I have an hourglass shape so fortunately the dimensions work… but I wear my DVF wraps with a coordinating cami and a slip.

        • anon

          Wrap dresses are the most effort-full of dresses, if you ask me. As a fellow flat-chested yet hippy person, I loathe them.

    • Anon

      Bringing me back to my 30th birthday when my BFF took me for a full day spa trip. We went to lunch in our robes at the gorgeous restaurant, at an amazing meal, and drank champagne after having been pampered all morning. Immediately after lunch, we went to the relaxation (ie nap) room. It was the most luxe situation I have ever been in and I fantasize about redoing that experience in a post-COVID world. I haven’t seen my BFF in over a year at this point since she no longer lives locally and this would be the very best reunion scenario.

      • Lilau

        That sounds amazing- would love to know where this is if you’d be willing to share.

        • anne-on

          Yes pls, I am dreaming of doing this myself post-covid and have a milestone birthday coming soon that would justify it!

      • Anon

        This was in Connecticut at the Spa at Norwich Inn. They also have overnight packages, which is what I would do if I did it again. At the time, we were both pretty local (a little over an hour’s drive), so we did the day and took full advantage, as we were literally there from 9 AM to 6 PM and we both loved it. The package we did included massage, pedicure, use of all rooms/facilities/grounds, a wellness class of your choice, lunch, tea and scones in the early afternoon, as well as a wine tasting. Neither of us are big gamblers so we did not do this, but this spa is also a fun girls weekend trip because it is located very close to Mohegan Sun casino.

        https://www.thespaatnorwichinn.com

    • potato

      A silk caftan (Natalie Martin makes these). I tried one on years ago and didn’t buy it because I felt the cost/ wear would be too high. I regret not getting it since I still think about the silly thing!

      • anon a mouse

        Absolutely a caftan. There are very few places where caftans are entirely appropriate, but dinner at a fancy spa is one of them. Preferably with lots of bracelets.

        • potato

          In retrospect, I might only wear it twice a year, but it’s not like it would have gone out of style (since it is decidedly not in style). Also a forgiving fit! I bet I could have gotten the cost/ wear down to $3.50 over 30 years. sigh…

    • Is it Friday yet?

      Maybe something from Johnny Was? It’s all completely inappropriate for my real life, but I could see lounging by the pool at a spa in Sedona or S. Cali in some of it.

      • Anonymous

        Now I want to go to Sedona just so I can lounge by the pool in Johnny Was. If only I were rich and there were no pandemic…

  2. NY CPA

    My parent was diagnosed with COVID a few weeks ago and seemed to be improving a lot, but last night took a turn for the worse and was hospitalized and diagnosed with pneumonia and blood clots in their lungs. They’re in their early 60s so very able to manage their own care, but I’d like to be an advocate for their healthcare. Those of you who have had a family member in this situation, did the doctors keep you informed? Can I request that?

    Also, I have a strong desire to post on social media that my friends who’ve been out partying and living their best lives and complaining about COVID restrictions can go f#$% themselves. Also people who wear their masks below their noses. I’ve been pissed at them for the whole pandemic, but now that the effects have hit dangerously close to home, I am just LIVID that people can’t follow basic instructions. I know that’s probably not helpful, but the desire is strong. Feel free to talk me into/out of this…

    • Anon

      I’m sorry about your parents. Don’t post on social media. It won’t make you feel better and there will be fall out that will sap you of energy. You need to preserve yourself for the other difficult things going on in your life. Again, I’m very sorry.

    • Anon

      I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea to post about your parent struggling with Covid (if your parent is okay with that – or just share that it’s a close relative) and your struggles with it while thanking those who have been social distancing and calling out those who haven’t. A lot of people don’t take it seriously precisely because people are selfish and don’t change behavior unless they know someone who has been personally deeply affected (or still somehow don’t believe it’s real). If they feel guilty or bad, they SHOULD!
      If we’ve learned anything from this pandemic, it’s that people truly don’t care about anyone but themselves and their close social circle, so to change behavior, they have to see the negative results of their partying behavior.

    • Anonymous

      Sending virtual hugs and prayers to you and your family.

      No matter how capable a person is of managing their own care, it is always advisable to have an advocate during hospitalization and other high-stakes situations. Even during ordinary times when doctors are not overwhelmed, they do not typically take initiative to keep family members informed. You will need to be incredibly assertive and resourceful in order to get through to the doctors. One strategy that’s worked for me is to call the unit early in each nursing shift (not right at the beginning) and ask to speak directly to the nurse for an update. I am guessing it will be harder to get through in the current situation, though. If you can show up in person, sometimes that helps.

      As for social media–I feel you. We lost my MIL to COVID early in the pandemic. Every time I see someone wearing their mask below their nose or posting photos of unmasked gatherings on social media, I want to tell them “You killed my mother-in-law.” When my neighbors host parties, I want to chalk in our driveway, “Wear your mask and stay home in memory of Nana.” I don’t. It wouldn’t do any good. If these people cared about anyone but themselves, they would already be acting properly and there would be no need to say anything. I don’t think I can ever be real friends with any of the old crowd after this is all over. When we go back to seeing people in person their pandemic behavior will always hang like a shadow over everything they do and say, and I’m going to have to be very fake in order to deal with them. We are strongly considering leaving our church over this and some other issues that came to light during 2020, and have begun to discuss the idea of moving out of state.

        • Anon

          Thank you. Also, don’t call the unit. It should be set up for the nurse to call you.

          • Anonymous

            That has never, ever, ever happened during the course of any hospitalization for family members for whom I’ve been the primary contact. Even when I had vital information that the hospital needed. Don’t rely on doctors, nurses, or hospitals to initiate communication.

          • Anon

            I agree with Anonymous at 11:14. My father was hospitalized last year and they wouldn’t let me be with him outside the ER even though he had dementia– I was his healthcare POA and he had an advance directive that he did not want dialysis, etc. The doctors would not call me, the nurses were not giving me information beyond things like “He’s in a good mood today!” or “He didn’t sleep well!”, and he had dementia so he couldn’t really communicate on the phone with me. I finally had to call risk management to get someone with in depth information to call me back, and they were planning to put him on dialysis! It was a nightmare. Do not be afraid to call if you need to. Don’t just show up unannounced because you’ll be turned away, especially if your parent is on a COVID unit.

            I’m sorry you’re going through this. My biggest tip about dealing with the hospital is to call risk management if you are not getting the communication you need.

          • Anon

            +1 on the above comments to not rely on the hospital to call you. You absolutely have to call the hospital, and ask for risk management if necessary.

          • Sloan Sabbith

            Oh my god, yes she should call the unit. LMFAO to that they’ll call you. Actually literally LOLed to that idea.

    • Anon

      If it gives you an outlet and let’s your social circle know that you are welcome to emotional support (asking for prayers, thoughts, calls, etc.), I think it’s a good idea. It won’t do you any good to call anyone out, but I do think it helps to let your circle know what you’re going through.
      Everyone that keeps covid struggles to themselves is another leaf in the cap of those claiming this is fake or don’t mask. People are inherently selfish, there really needs to be cognizance that covid is affecting people that they know and it is much closer to home than they think.

      • anon

        +1. This. My DH has a theory that many people don’t truly get it because it’s an illness that’s happening behind closed doors. When people are sick, you don’t see them. When they pass … well, you’re probably not getting a funeral.

        • Anonymous

          This is a good point. The grieving is hidden away.

          My parent-in-law died in December not from Covid and we were able to do a zoom funeral and I am grateful for that.

        • qwerty

          I’d add that many people don’t get it because we live in bubbles. I’m a well-off white person in her 40s; I know 2 people who have had a positive covid test and none who have been hospitalized. If I were 20 years younger and had lost my job and social life because of lockdowns I’d be very, very bitter.

          • Anon

            I don’t know anyone in their 20s who hasn’t had it yet (all mild cases) and I’m convinced it was because they are largely living their lives (so: hookups, boyfriends, roommates) even masked and distanced. OTOH, we are that much closer to herd immunity as these folks would be not vaccinated until . . . forever.

          • Cat

            qwerty, same. I know of 3 people who had positive tests and 2 of the 3 were surprised (they tested prior to travel but never had noticeable symptoms). It’s because most of my world is mid-career professionals who are all WFH.

      • Ellen

        Hugs to the OP. Grandma Leyeh told me that when I am angry and something or some body to deal with it by writing out on a sheet of paper exactly what I think or feel about what is goeing on, and then put it in an envelope and put the envelope in my dresser drawer. The next day, I open the dresser drawer, take out the envelope and — without opening it — say “this was me yesterday–today I will solve this problem” — and then I take the envelope to the toilet and rip it into 4 pieces and flush it down the toilet. Voila! No more probelem! YAY Grandma Leyeh! It works every time!

    • Diana Barry

      Does your parent have a health care directive? If so, and if you are named as their health care agent, you should be able to receive information regarding their care. I would call their physician and see if they have anything on file. If another person is named as their agent, then the doctors may need to communicate through that person instead.

    • Anon

      so so sorry. i think your parent will have to sign something for docs to be able to talk to you, but is definitely possible.

      i think you should post on social media. a lot of people say that they don’t know anyone who has been hospitalized because of covid, etc. which is why they dont take it seriously. to be honest, i am fortunate that i don’t know anyone who has been hospitalized, but i do take covid very very seriously. maybe your post convinces one person not to attend their super bowl party this weekend and that to me makes it worth it

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think posting on social media is wise. My adult nephew posted about his grandmother who died of COVID and was viciously attacked by COVID-denying high school classmates.

        • Anon

          She’s a grown woman, if covid denier that she follows on social media attack her post, she can block them and delete comments. Only GenZ thinks they just have to take cyberbullying for some reason. Those of us that grew up prior to social media understand the idea of physically shutting out the bullies from accessing us online.

        • Anon

          If anything like that happens to you OP, at least you know which people to block and cut out of your life forever.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My top tip is to always bring a pen and paper or your phone to record meetings with doctors and instructions. Ask for permission before recording, of course but it’s impossible to remember everything on the spot.

      As for social media, I say go for it. More people need to realize the personal consequences of their actions and your story might actually influence someone in your network. There is no reason to hide what has happened.

    • anon

      First, I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s awful.

      We lost my FIL to Covid in November. Like you, I have been livid the whole pandemic — including with family members like my FIL’s sisters/nieces/nephews. Even after a family loss, they still don’t get it and never will. They got together for Thanksgiving literally days after FIL’s passing, and Christmas, too. Baby showers, bridal showers, you name it. I’ve posted about it here before. I don’t know if I will never be able to forgive them for their actions since last March. All this to say — I posted on social media when my FIL died and specifically called out that he died of covid a mere 36 hours after diagnosis. I posted about his many good qualities. I was blunt about how much DH and our kids were hurting during this horrific time. I don’t know if it changed any hearts and minds, but I hope seeing a “real person” dealing with the worst-case scenario made people think twice about their activities, at least for awhile.

    • Anon

      In order to get updates, your parent must designate you as someone authorized to receive their house info. Some practical info about getting updates (based on 9 years of experience as an ICU nurse). Designate one family member to receive info and that person is responsible for updating the rest of the family. The doctor is responsible for providing medical updates. Depending on your parent’s condition, they may feel this is fulfilled by updating your parent and letting them update everyone else. If your parent is not in the condition to process this info, set up calls with the doctor. Likewise set up update calls with your parent’s nurse. But have them call you. They are likely taking care of 8 other patients and it is so much easier for them to call when it is convenient for them, Also be aware that the nurse can update you on your parent’s current condition and share what treatments are planned. Certain issues like prognosis, possible treatments (not yet ordered), etc. are questions for the physician, don’t be frustrated if the nurse can’t answer everything, certain issues are outside the scope of their practice.

      • Anon

        ^^ This. Some states also allow a formal designation of someone as a “healthcare surrogate.” This means that you can make healthcare decisions for the person even with no healthcare POA. I would strongly encourage you to talk with the hospital about what your options are– they typically will be happy to have someone to give updates to as long as the appropriate paperwork has been done.

        • Anonymous

          What universe do you all live in where doctors actually communicate with the designated point of contact? That has never, ever been my experience. They will not initiate contact. They will give you an update if you are in the room when they come by, and they will grudgingly talk to you on the phone if you are insistent enough, but they don’t make the effort to reach out proactively.

          • Anon

            That was my experience as well over the course of a long two year illness preceding my father’s death. It’s next to impossible to get the information you need. Indeed, we didn’t know about one of his co-morbidities (a big one that was listed on his death certificate) until he was transferred (downgraded) to a lesser facility, mere days before he died. Also, insurance pushed hard to discharge him for home care again, a week before he died. You have to advocate HARD and persistently, and I don’t know how you do that with the COVID precaustions.

        • Anon

          When my father was in urgent care, no doctor ever reached out to us. I was constantly stonewalled when I asked questions.

          Even the nurses really vary. One of my dad’s nurses was so responsible she was literally a God-send. The rest, unfortunately, I cannot the same. When my father died, my aunt, who was a heart surgeon, happened to read from his monitors that he needed urgent medical attention, but the nurse ignored her. We had to call several nurses just to page the doctor. So my advice is to never put your full trust in any medical provider.

          • Anon

            There really is a limit to what a nurse is able to tell you. Some nurses will go beyond that even though they are not supposed to. They can page the doctor for you but have absolutely no power to make the doctor do anything. Getting doctors to communicate (as they are supposed to) to families is an issue, but please be realistic about what the nurse can actually do and don’t take out your frustration on them (this happens all the time because the nurse is usually more accessible and less powerful than the physician).

          • Anon

            Where in my post did I say a nurse is allowed to tell a patient everything? Please read before you take out your insecurities on people.

      • Anon

        The data suggest that remdesivir is not effective and the monoclonal antibodies are most effective in the early stages.

    • Of Counsel

      Reading this thread, I just want to remind everyone – young and older – that they need to have someone designated as their medical proxy (whatever that is in your state). Health care providers are limited in what they can share with family members without express or implied consent – especially if the patients is conscious. If OP can speak with her parent at all, she should ask them to let the doctors know they have that authorization and for it to be reflected in the chart. I have represented providers who have been sued for talking to family members who turned out to be estranged and there is a fair amount of paranoia on the subject.

      Two other things: (1) Absolutely designate one person – who has a medical proxy – to talk to doctors. It is very frustrating when you have 8 patients and are swamped and then getting thirty phone calls from every friend and relative out there and (2) Leave a message for the nurse, explain that you have the proxy, and ask them to call you back. It is not likely, especially in the ICU, that the nurse will be available at that precise moment but you can reasonably expect a call back. If you do not get one during the shift, that is when you should escalate. But right now please do be aware that ICU nurses are working at absolute capacity in many places.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      I will echo the idea that mentioning what’s happening with your family might, in some way remind people that this is a real thing and it’s affecting real people. This pandemic feels very theoretical for a lot of people who haven’t personally experienced loss, or seen anyone get seriously ill from the virus, so it can actually help when someone mentions that their aunt passed away, or their mother is really sick, or their cousin is on a ventilator. It reminds them that even if they’re relatively healthy and low-risk, this does happen to people, and it can happen to them or someone they love.

    • Anonymous

      When my husband was in Intensive Care, pre-COVID, I was asked to designate myself or somebody else as the point person (just one) with whom the hospital communicated.

  3. Jane

    Favorite hearty (so not just roasted veggies/salad) easy (no more than 10 mins) prep healthy-ish breakfast, lunch and dinner? I’m really bored of my usual favorites at this point (frozen gnocchi+ veggies; frittata etc) and have started relying on pbj or frozen dumplings!!!

    • anne-on

      If PB&Js for breakfast (with fruit!) are wrong then my entire family is doing it wrong. That is seriously breakfast for my kid like 3x/week. I am firmly on team toast or bagel plus fruit for breakfast.
      I am not a big lunch person (and we eat early, see, kid) so usually I’ll do a charcuterie plate – sliced veggies, sliced apple/berries, babybel or small wedge of cheese, crackers or piece of bread. Alternately soup and crackers.

      • anonshmanon

        Yes to all of this, adding a small handful of nuts (I keep walnuts, peanuts, pistachios and cashews handy), occasionally boiling a couple of eggs or prepare some fried tofu as a weekend meal prep, to round out that breakfast or lunch plate.

    • Ribena

      This week for lunch I have been combining couscous (I make a few days’ worth at once and pop in the fridge), puy lentils, and salad leaves, topping with vinaigrette and fried halloumi cubes and a drizzle of balsamic glaze. SO good.

      Breakfast has been ‘loaded porridge’ – porridge with PB and a banana on top.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Do you have an instant pot? I frequently make tortilla soup in mine, which is somewhat healthy (chicken, black beans, tomatoes, onion, bell pepper) but high in sodium.

    • CHL

      I like to make hash – usually with sweet potatoes, onions and then whatever leftovers I have around and then cook two eggs on top. Cozy…

    • anon

      I have been doing a pan of baked oatmeal early in the week. Specifically, the one from Sally’s Baking Addiction. It reheats very well and we get several breakfasts out of it. For more protein, I’ll have a hard-boiled egg on the side.

      • anon

        Baked oatmeal is the bomb! I like Budget Bytes Banana Bread Baked Oatmeal, and in my protein-y days, I add 1-2 scoops protein powder to improve the macros. I always reheat and add a little more milk.

    • IL

      If I’m being honest – my go-to is hamburgers on an electric countertop grill (Cuisinart Griddler, George Forman, etc). Prep the lettuce, tomato slices, etc while the burgers cook, then load up with pickles, mustard etc. and it’s a quick, satisfying meal. We buy 93/7 ground beef or even ground bison, so it’s not nearly as bad for you as a fast food burger.

      Hot sandwiches are also a good choice – splash out on fancy deli turkey and swiss cheese, maybe add some cornichons or sliced radishes or chutney to make it feel fancy, pop in the toaster oven for six minutes.

    • No Problem

      Breakfast tacos (or burritos)! Basically just scrambled eggs in tortillas with toppings of your choice. I usually do a spoonful of salsa, cheddar cheese, some jalapeno slices, and a bit of avocado. You could also do onions, peppers, black beans, or potatoes.

      And the lunch/dinner version is salsa chicken: chicken thighs in the slow cooker, add a jar of salsa, cook on high 8 hours and then shred chicken and stuff into your tortillas or taco shells.

    • Anonymous

      Huevos rancheros lazy style:

      Take canned black beans and frozen red and green pepper strips. Heat on skillet. Add 3-4 eggs. Scramble around. Dump salsa on top and cook it it’s all warm. Put on tortilla, add a little shredded cheddar and Sriracha. Consume.

      You can- and I often do- skip the tortilla and cheese to make it healthier.

      I eat this for breakfast and lunch regularly.

    • anon

      For breakfast, we’ve been doing homemade egg mcmuffins – an egg scrambled with a little water and salt in a ramekin, microwave on high 1 min. Put in a toasted english muffin with a veggie breakfast “sausage” patty, a slice of cheese, and some hot sauce.

    • Senior Attorney

      Hubby and I have been enjoying half a jumbo avocado and a hard boiled egg for breakfast. It’s quick and delicious and sticks with us. Also my all-time favorite breakfast is a cut-up apple mixed with some Greek yogurt and chopped walnuts. Yum.

      • anne-on

        Oh my gosh, you just reminded me of the Pret little pot of goodness, which is my absolute favorite business trip breakfast…I miss travel…

    • Lilau

      Chili! I mostly make it with ground turkey and beans, peppers, onions, ect. Hearty, easy, somewhat healthy, keeps well, excuse for cheese and tomatoes. Also, Trader Joe’s has the sweet and spicy picked jalapeños which are amazing.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      I’m a big fan of making chili on the weekends, and then reheating it for lunches and maybe even dinners during the week. Keep in mind chili can also be made with shredded chicken or ground turkey, if you’re looking to keep it healthy. I also like to make shredded chicken tacos on a Tuesday and then either use the chicken in wraps, or simmer it in broth to make soup, for lunches in the days following. Both things simmer for a day in the slow cooker, but then are pretty easy to reheat later.

  4. dfas

    A friend just built a bar at home so I’m looking to get him some nice barware. He usually drinks whisky and wine, has plenty of wine glasses and has a cocktail shaker etc but not ones nice away for his new bar. Any suggestions? I’m not even sure which stores to look at.

    • Shananana

      Fancy ice molds, and a jigger and spoon set are great for whisky drinkers. Also maybe a set of fancy bitters? I love bitters and how they can subtly change drinks. cocktail kingdom (pricier but fancier) and bar products (wider array of options) (both dot com) are two sites I recommend for nicer cocktail supplies. Also koriko weighted shakers are a great cocktail shaker upgrade.

    • dfas

      LOL no I was trying to be more anonymous but this is my cousin! It’s a group gift from the rest of the cousins. I just wanted to know where to buy some decanters.

      • Anon

        Marquis by Waterford decanter and rocks glass set, which is about $100. I got it for my wedding and love it. (Yes, I am that person. My best friend bought it for us; her mother loves giving Waterford for weddings and my friend saw the Waterford on my registry and followed the family tradition.)

      • anon

        This is a hilarious turn :). Wirecutter has an article on barware that would give you some pointers.

    • Marie

      If he enjoys whiskey, you could get him some different varieties of bitters, some sweet and dry vermouth, and a mold for the big ice cubes used so he can make fancy cocktails like manhattans and old fashioneds. DH has loved making these types of drinks at home since he can’t go out. He also has fancy cherries for his manhattans. These types of little things can be a fun way to get into exploring making fun drinks.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1 for the giant ice cube molds. The spherical ice molds are fun, too. And some mini swords for spearing the martini olives.

        • Anon

          LOL my husband loves those molds and I actually use the giant ice cube in my travel mug for water or iced coffee.

    • asdf

      If the total # of cousins is 6 I’d look at the Waterford Heritage Assorted Tumblers. It’s a set of 6 glasses which go together but don’t match. Also, it will feed my obsession with Waterford.

      • Anon

        There are not-bad glass versions of some of the more basic Waterford ones at Ikea. We are dangerous people with anything not a Tervis Tumbler, so it’s Ikea for us based on breakage rates. Your people may be less sloppy than we are.

    • anon a mouse

      Someone gave us a set of Norlan whiskey glasses — they are nicer than we would have gotten for ourselves, and they are really lovely. They are made of borosilicate glass and are sturdier than regular glasses, yet still dishwasher safe. If you are thinking about other barware, a decanter or an assortment of fancy bitters are good too.

    • Digby

      Amehla has some nice cocktail glasses – I like the honeycomb pattern – and mixing glasses. Agree with another poster on bitters, vermouths, liqueurs. Maybe a fancy cocktail book?

    • Mal

      Fun idea – vintage glasseware! So many fun designs for rocks glasses/tom collins glasses. You can find a lot of options on Etsy & eBay.

    • anan

      For a real splurge- I love Simon Pearce glassware. This is what I buy my husband for special occasions.

  5. Anon

    Hat help! I used to be a fuzzy ear band wearer, but a hat really does keep your head warm. I am struggling to find a hat that also covers my ears all the way to the bottom (my ears get cold first and can get so cold as to be painful) — maybe I have giant ears, but I keep striking out. I feel like trying on a hat in a store would be frowned on, so I have basically just bought a bunch of promising ones and given the ones I don’t love to my tweens who have slightly smaller heads and really aren’t bothered by the cold (it’s a commodity — we lose several each winter or they hide in jacket pockets or are otherwise awol). The only good hat I’ve seen is a giant double-sided fleece thing my bald husband has but it is blaze orange/camo and also is tall enough to fit Marge Simpson’s beehive. Is there a cute version of this? It seems to be what I need.

  6. Anon

    I have a table of masks by the door. My corona pup, who only knows a world of masks (he was born in June), is now tall enough to pull them off and start munching on them. He really likes to pull off the ear adjusters (and so far has eaten 2-3). I’ve tried to move them around so the non-adjuster ones are on the edge and am trying to find a kid-reachable handy space for the adjustable ones. Dog seems to go for the newest and cutest, vs the ones from spring where the elastic is starting to go. He has no interest in our lifetime supply of knock-off buffs (bought back when that was all we can get — what will we ever do with them — I think we have about 30 due to miscommunication b/w spouses as to who ordered what when). At any rate, it kind of gave me a chuckle (but no more mask eating!!!). Ugh. Tired of this though.

    • Anonymous

      How about an over-the-door shoe storage unit on the inside of the coat closet door?

    • Diana Barry

      Can you keep them in a drawer instead, if the kid-reachable and dog-reachable heights are similar?

    • Anon

      I keep mine on a hook in my bedroom, but what about a bin/basket on that table with a lid?

    • Anonymous

      Hooks above dog height work well for us, especially because it lets the masks air out after they get wet from being used in the cold air, but the kids can’t reach them. In your case, I’d second the suggestions of a drawer or basket with lid that’s shoved far enough back puppy can’t reach.

  7. Anon

    Going off of yesterday’s question – how much news do you consume?

    I listen to Up First every morning while I get ready for work or take a walk. Once I log into my computer, I read The Skimm, CNN 5 Things, and the daily NYT Newsletter and then read probably 5ish news articles before starting my day. Throughout the day I browse Twitter and headlines and iPhone news alerts, but only read an extra article or two.

    I rarely watch the news (unless it’s a national event like 1/6) but I watch my city’s weekly COVID press conference and now I occasionally watch the White House press conference, mostly because I love Jen Psaki.

    I also read a few industry specific sources on a less frequent basis.

    • Anon

      I generally stick to my local major newspaper (the local news on TV is way to so and so was murdered and there was a fire on the block of X and Y) and NYTimes in the morning and right before logging off from work. I listen to NPR randomly throughout the day.

    • Diana Barry

      I read the NYT and the Boston Globe (online, not all of the sections). I don’t listen to or watch news. For work I get tax law updates in my email from Bloomberg and Thomson Reuters.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t really read or watch news any more, it was causing more spiral than necessary. I do however read industry specific news for my job but that’s very nonpartisan and doesn’t upset me.

    • anon

      I usually browse 4-5 news sites throughout the day. I actually read 5-6 articles per day, spaced out throughout the day. I subscribe to the NY Daily podcast but only listen if there’s a topic that really interests me–I don’t have time for all 6 episodes each week. I never watch news on TV–it’s exhausting. For work, I subscribe to a daily email with industry specific news items–I check the email most days and actually read 4-5 articles per week from that.

    • Z

      I skim the Washington Post website every couple of hours, usually reading the top headline articles and other random articles that stick out.
      I also listen to Crooked Media’s What a Day podcast every morning while I’m getting ready for the day.

    • Cb

      I’m trying to consume less news. We get a Saturday and Sunday paper (two different papers, so different ideological perspective), and I often listen to the BBC current affairs podcast (30 minutes) in the am, and occasionally listen to the Daily / Pod Save America. Check twitter intermittently throughout the day but am trying to cut down. I’m just not convinced the constant influx of news is all that good for us.

      • Anon

        +1 on BBC. I find British and financial news sources to be less partisan than American news sources, so I rotate between BBC, The Economist’s Intelligence podcast, and WSJ. If you use Google Home, you can create morning routine where it will scramble the news sources that you can preselect. I occasionally browse NYT’s lifestyle and arts sections.

    • Anonymous

      These responses are interesting to me. I’ve started following sharonsaysso on insta and she’s shared some good info about media bias. She’s said she reads sources from left, right and center every day (based on the allsides media bias chart). Right now I get my news from Up First and Pantsuit Politics but I would like to diversify a bit more.

    • Anon

      WSJ on paper at breakfast
      NPR playing as I get ready and in car
      FB for updates on when schools are reopening (never) and doomscrolling on Citizen (our city has had a rash of machete attacks and I want to know what is up when the helicopters are hovering near me).

    • Anon

      Caveat that I’m Canadian. I generally only read my local news on a daily basis. Most other news makes me too anxious.

    • Anon

      I read news articles throughout the day in an unorganized fashion, usually prompted by whatever is happening on Twitter.

      Then at night we watch Brian Williams on MSNBC (love him, love that he doesn’t hold bak when he thinks something is stupid or wrong), sometimes Rachel Maddow, and most nights at least 1/2 hour of local news.

      I also subscribe to my city council member’s newsletter and she keeps us informed about what’s going on, even if the news is up to a week old. (If if were anything major I’d have seen it on the local news)

      • Anon

        I also forgot to mention that I follow Marcus DiPaola on TikTok. He’s a freelance reporter and does a very good top-level summary of major news events, mostly federal government news, geared toward middle schoolers with learning disabilities.

    • Anon

      My job is to follow the news and advise clients on it. My inbox is constantly pinging with breaking news alerts. So.much.media. It’s stressful as heck having all that swirling around and there’s nothing I love more than running away from my phone and computer to those magical things with words printed on paper, especially when those words were written months and years ago and have not a darn thing to do with current events. Fluffy romance novels set in Scotland with matchmaking ghosties? Yes please.

    • Senior Attorney

      I read my local newspaper over breakfast.
      NPR in the car on the way to work.
      Look at WaPo online throughout the day. I used to do the same with NYT but not so much any more.
      Occasionally look in on my new favorite Jen Psaki if I happen to be around when she’s doing her thing.
      And, as others have noted, whatever else Twitter directs my attention to.
      I don’t watch any TV news at all and haven’t for years. I just can’t stomach it.

    • Anony

      I watch the local news in the AM and read the NYT morning newsletter email thing. Every so often, I’ll leave the tv on and listen to the Today Show while I get ready/start my work day. And that’s about it. I wait for my phone to alert me to anything major/big – either through push notifications or scrolling FB. If DH isn’t home, I’ll watch the local evening news and the 6:30 Nightly News with Lester (he loathes the news).

  8. Anon

    I almost bought this but UGH! the dropped shoulder seam. My least favorite current trend. It just makes me feel so dumpy.

    • Cat

      My people! I will not buy anything with a dropped shoulder either. Aside from it being unflattering, I find it uncomfortable – the seam rubs in a weird spot and the fabric just feels baggy and sloppy in the underarm area.

    • Anon

      My beef is the split hem. I hate them with a passion. Shirts do not need a butt flap.

      • KW

        +1. It defeats some of the purpose of a tunic, which is to cover the hips and butt when wearing tight pants like leggings or jeggings. UGH.

      • masks

        Obviously you guys haven’t seen my butt…..

        I can’t wear most tunics because they hug the butt too much. I do need a butt flap.

        Remember all bodies are different, some styles flatter some figures and not others.

        • Shelle

          I actually feel more self conscious of my larger butt because of the split hem. Am I thinking of this the wrong way? Excuse me while I go stare at my butt in the mirror from multiple angles :)

    • Anon

      I have broad swimmer shoulders so I like these shoulders for that reason but agree it can be kind of dumpy.

      • Cornellian

        Came here to say this. I am all shoulders and no boobs, so it works on me, too. Unfortunately it means the sleeves end up hitting sort of bracelet length whether they’re designed to or not.

    • Anon

      Haha when I was learning to knit sweaters they all had dropped shoulders, mainly because it’s easy to knit, so I very quickly learned how to convert everything to raglan shoulders.

  9. Anonymous

    I posted yesterday for help planning a v small wedding (~10 people including us). Thanks for all the advice! I posted a follow up question quite late so I’m posting again. A lot of folks suggested traditional venues. Some have a rental fee that’s thousands of dollars, which covers the space and normal rental equipment like tables, chairs, place settings, etc. (but not food or drink). Should I assume this fee is the same even for a very small wedding? Is it reasonable to ask for a reduction, and if so, what kind of reduction could I expect? I’d like to avoid spending a lot of time calling venues if this is an obvious dead end.

    For example, I love Terrain but it has an $8k rental fee. I’m not going to pay $8k to host 10 people for a couple hours. FWIW my budget is “doesn’t shock the conscience” – and $1k pp for a ceremony and dinner does not meet that criteria.

    • Anonymous

      FWIW my pre-covid 35 person wedding was a little over 10k so about 300 pp for a very understated event. So I’d say the prices only go up from there.

    • Anon

      so yes, it probably is the same….BUT i would think a lot of these places are struggling right now, so there is no harm in asking. and honestly even in normal times you can sometimes negotiate. we negotiated some fees for my 250 person wedding. some of their costs are the same no matter how many people they host, but others (like staff) are not. also- i just went to their website (looks gorgeous) – is there a reason you have to do it on a saturday? if people are coming in and it is just family, seems like you could do it any day of the week, and in the months you are looking it looks like the price is $5k, so you might be able to negotiate that down a bit bc i doubt they do as many weddings during the week. i would also think that a saturday for 2020 is already booked, though people might have to postpone, etc. or maybe people didn’t book bc of covid.

    • Anon

      Our city has a minor league ball team that would gladly rent you a very nice suite and have any more casual food/beverage items brought in for a steal (and would probably let you bring in catered fancy food). I looked into it for a kid’s birthday and at having 5 kids in a room that normally fits 20 just to be in somewhere Not Their Home for a night. They lease the facility all year, so it has been available for “rent a small suite if you are tired of WFH” or really anything that will bring in a $.

      Also rooms at restaurants — they already are paying for the space, tables, etc.

      • Cat

        +1 for a room at a restaurant since all the equipment and bathrooms are there already.

        Like – I don’t know what they charge but Vetri has a private upstairs room.

        • Cat

          Maybe Talula’s Garden actually now that I’m thinking a combo of pretty ceremony area + restaurant…

          • January

            I was thinking of Talula’s Garden, too! When I went there for a wedding last winter, though, the couple seemed to have rented out the entire restaurant, so not sure if you’d be able to avoid high venue fees.

            Have you asked Terrain about any of their smaller rooms?

            You should also try googling micro wedding packages in Philly – a lot of vendors started offering this service around last summer, and it might still be available since the pandemic is, sadly, not over.

        • Anon

          If she wants to go the “rent a restaurant” route, which I didn’t think because she wanted pretty and outdoors, my suggestion is Fork.

    • Anon

      Why not just reach out to a few venues and ask them this? Some venues have smaller rooms that most likely rent for less than the main space.

      • anne-on

        +1 – 10-15 ppl is the sweet spot for a private room at a lot of restaurants. I am VERY sure you can find a private back room/chefs table kind of spot – showers/birthday parties/corporate dinners – this is bread and butter business for most mid-high end restaurants.

    • Hazel

      Before COVID, my wife and I were planning on a small ceremony + dinner at a local upscale restaurant (they have an outdoor courtyard for the ceremony, and a private dining room after). Obviously that didn’t happen due to lockdown in my country, but we’re still hoping for something similar later this year or next. If there are any restaurants you really love, see if they have a private room?

    • Anon

      I would call and ask what micro wedding services they have – make sure they know it’s for only 10 people. Terrain at Styer’s may not work for you but I think there’s a Terrain Cafe in Devon that hosts showers and things (as well as weddings) so they may be better set up for small events. You can always negotiate with venues though – I negotiated with mine pre-Covid and they didn’t bat an eye.

    • Anon

      I got married two years ago in a small city. The minimums and rental fees were all over the place: $5,000 rental fees (did not include table and chairs), $10,000 minimums with no rental fees, $1,000 minimums, no rental fees and no minimum but expensive food, etc.

      Ultimately, I looked at twenty different venues. I made a spreadsheet of venues, rental fees, minimums, per person costs of the mid-range package, taxes, service charges, gratuities, and other fees. The clear winner was a very well known, very unusual venue that rents for weddings in its off season, $1,500 all-inclusive rental fee, $2,000 minimum. The entire reception for 75 people, including open bar and an outstanding meal, was $8,500.

      IMHO, unless you are getting married at the courthouse and doing reservations at a restaurant after (which, IMHO, can be a really amazing wedding), or have a wedding planner, you’re doing the spreadsheet.

      • Anon

        Also – city hall weddings in Philly are very hard! Have a few friends who wanted to go that route but it’s a PITA so they did not.

        I’d do one if the small Old City gardens (through NPS) for the ceremony (think they cost $50?) and then rent a room at a restaurant for the reception.

    • Anon

      Try Valley Green Inn! Instead of renting out the venue space, rent a room for dinner. Do your ceremony by the creek and then dinner in the Inn!

      I went to a larger wedding there (pre covid!) and it was lovely! ( I might be biased, since the wissahickon is my favorite place in the city. )

      • Anonymous

        I used to run in Forbidden Drive and loved to see the weddings/parties at Valley Green.

    • Anon

      Room rental at restaurant somewhere cute like New Hope? I recall a lot with pretty vistas and grounds.

    • anon

      We got married in NYC pre-covid. Had our ceremony in central park. Didn’t bother to get a permit since it was like a fifteen minute ceremony. Then had a great champagne brunch reception in a private room of a great restaurant in tribeca. Was cheap (for a NYC wedding) but still very classy. 35 people.

  10. bellatrix

    Looking for anecdata about hiring a color consultant. I need some help choosing paint colors for our house, which has a floor plan that’s bit more open than we’ve had before, so I’m unsure how to choose colors that will flow from space to space. We’ve been in this house 3.5 years and haven’t painted a thing, mostly because I get analysis paralysis. But I’m tired of beige walls. I have some broad strokes – I know I want one area to be dark blue, another to be a light neutral, etc. – but when I get to the nitty-gritty of each color, the tones and the effects of natural light keep me second-, third-, tenth-guessing myself. So it’s time to get a pro’s help, but how does it even work?

    • pugsnbourbon

      I get decision paralysis and I’m intrigued by Clare paint. They have a limited but comprehensive range, so you’re not endlessly mulling over two nearly-identical grays (like I am right now lol). It’s more expensive than hardware-store paint but not by much, and it’s a Black woman-owned company.

      • bellatrix

        I’ve been seeing their ads and have been tempted! Just looked and realized their peel-and-stick samples are way cheaper than other sites I’ve found, so that is a major point in their favor if I can afford to test a few colors for each room (we’re still isolating, so a trip out to get sample jars is not happening right now). And the “two nearly identical grays” problem – YES, I feel you. I happened onto Benjamin Moore because their Affinity line was guaranteed that all the colors would go well together, but I didn’t like most of them, so I branched out to the entire BM lineup, and WOW, too many choices.

    • Anon

      I hired a color consultant from Sherwin-Williams when painting my place. It was like $100, but came with a gift card, so maybe actually cost like $50. She came to my house, and we went from room to room. I would tell her what I was thinking and any concerns about that space such as doesn’t get much light, and then she would pick a few color samples. I would tell her what I thought and she would refine till a got something I was happy with. It maybe took 90 mins or 2 hours in total. It was so helpful for me and really cheap since I assume they think of it as more of a selling paint marketing method. I will totally do it again if I move or want to repaint,

      • anon a mouse

        Yes your local paint store should be able to help you with this. Our local carries Benjamin Moore and C2 paints and their color person is fantastic.

      • Anonymous

        My parents did this same thing with Sherwin-Williams and are so happy with how it turned out. The specific consultant they worked with had an MFA and was a former decorator, she shifted careers and the S-W consultant was a better fit for her schedule.

    • Anonymous

      I actually think it’s time to start just painting walls. Just make a decision. It’s OK if it’s the wrong one. Paint is fixable.

    • Anonymous

      Maria Killam does color consultations online. If you search her, others will probably pop up as well. I like Maria because she focuses on the fixed surfaces and furniture you are not changing and works with them. She is pretty blunt about what won’t work.

  11. In House Ideas?

    I’ve been in-house for about a decade after my paying my dues at a law firm and I’d love some advice from the hive on what’s next. I just realized that I’ve never had an in-house job for more than a year and a half – I was with a major international company for a lot of my career and they just moved me around or changed my role every 1-1.5 years. Since then I’ve been at two other smaller companies, each for about a year and a half, before I started to get restless and either look for greener pastures or look for something more exciting. My current role is not a good long-term fit, so I’m trying to figure out how to make sure my next job is the right fit and that I don’t start to get bored or restless after a year and a half.

    One of the things I really enjoy about in house work is “fixing” the department. I enjoy figuring out ways to make processes more standardized and more efficient, I like finding good legal tech solutions, I love training junior attorneys and paralegals and developing things like playbooks and training programs and more closely integrating the legal department into the business. It turns out when you make all those improvements and then the legal department starts running smoothly, I get bored just doing the actual day-to-day work. I’m not looking to take the pay cut to transition over to legal operations, so anyone have any ideas on the kind of role that might be good for me? Or should I just plan to try to go back to a big company where I might have the opportunity to change roles every few years?

    • Anonymous

      Sorry, no advice, but will you please come fix my in-house legal department? We are so deeply dysfunctional it is hard to see a way out.

    • anon a mouse

      Sounds like you’d enjoy being a consultant to large companies on in-house improvements.

    • Anon

      I’ve definitely seen legal director roles that are mostly former lawyers overseeing the practice of law for the whole department but not actually practicing law. Legal operations doesn’t have to be a pay cut and often works hand in hand with the GC. You can also look into consulting for legal departments with consulting firms or legal technology companies.

    • Anonymous

      What about moving to corporate ops? I have seen some in house counsel move to support this function.

    • anon

      I work for a Fortune 50 and the legal ops groups is such an important group for our company. It’s ever evolving and helps keep the global legal group up on the best legal tech. With such a major company, there are always outdated systems and the need to centralize things more. The projects are massive so it definitely takes more than a year or two. Maybe check out those types of roles? There’s also the ability to move up or around the company for new challenges.

    • Sunshine71

      I’m you but not a lawyer, more of a general business person with IT skills. I enjoy challenges like building something new, fixing something that’s broken, or leading a cross-functional team through a crisis. Being in a large company lets me do this easily by moving around every few years. Could/would you consider roles outside the law department? You could expand into more general business knowledge and become one of the company’s go-to people who is known for being a fixer/problem-solver/big picture thinker.

      • In House Ideas?

        OP – Thanks and yes, I’ve definitely considered this. The problem is how to get these types of roles or even what types of roles to look for in a job search. At my old company I could have transitioned out of Legal into a business role (and I wish I had!), but I think it’s harder to do coming from outside of an organization. What types of titles/roles do you typically look for with your skill set and interests?

    • Peach

      You should check out the CLOC.org organization. (Corporate Legal Operations Consortium)

  12. Anon

    I’m looking to switch jobs and was recently approached by a company in another field that wants to start a business line in my field and they approached me to run it. I like the people, have heard good things about the culture, and generally am very intrigued by the offer. However, the industry this company is in tends to pay less than my current industry. Is there a good way to broach salary before getting too deep into conversations to see if it’s even remotely in the right range?

    • Ellen

      I suggest you give them a copy of your post (and mine). I say to them: “look, you have a competent woman here so make sure you don’t waste her time and yours by low-balling her on $alary. She will earn the money you pay her, so give her a slight increase over what she is making now to account for the uncertainty. She will need a written contract where it states such, and you will cover all of her benefits. Do NOT be panny wise and pound foolish–offer her money today and put it in writing! You will not regret it! YAY!

    • anon

      Yes, ask what their anticipated budget for the role is. Be clear that you don’t want to waste their time by going through the process without making sure you’re generally on the same page.

      • anne-on

        I’d also ask them both their budget for your role, AND the business they’re trying to stand up. If they’re budgeting say $50k/yr for designers and going rate is $75k you’re never going to be able to appropriately recruit and staff.

  13. Anonymous

    Looking for specific wording/advice about navigating the following situation: declining a bridal shower (that’s in March) and prep that bride that I likely won’t attend the wedding (in May) unless I somehow have the vaccine (and even then, it’s iffy). Background is that the bride is a dear friend from college. We’re in our mid thirties, and of our group of friends from college, she has spent a lot of time and money traveling to weddings, bachelorette parties, bridal showers and baby showers in the past ten years. She’s always been a bit stubborn, but I do understand that when she got engaged (Valentine’s Day 2020, so mostly pre pandemic) she was excited that this was now “her time” for bridal showers in her honor, her bachelorette party, etc.
    We currently live in two different cities in two different states that are about 1.5 hour drive, and were it not for COVID, I would absolutely make the drive for the shower and be so excited to go. But, my state is a bit stricter than hers with COVID closings/guidance. I am truly excited for her and her upcoming wedding. She has set a date of May 1 (this was like last July when she set it) and has not budged on the date.
    She just hasn’t budged from this date, the bridal shower invitation mentioned no COVID protocols or an option for a virtual shower component (Even on a separate insert that could have been added). So I emailed the shower hostess (the bride’s older sister) to ask if it was outdoors, etc. and basically got an answer that no one would be required to wear masks, she felt that most people would have the vaccine by the shower (in mid March) and was otherwise trying to dismiss concerns I have about the pandemic. I am not sure why the bride is being so stubborn about the date and the general state of the world (she has a PhD, she is not a dumb person), so any thoughts on specific wording would be appreciated. I also plan to tell the bridge directly that I’m not going to the shower (as well as the hostess), because I think that’s the considerate thing to do. Let me know if you think that I’m not thinking this through correctly. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Yep, you’re thinking this through correctly. If the bride refuses to see sense, she’ll have to deal with the fall-out in the form of people not attending.

      “Hi Megan, I wanted to let you know that I’m no longer going to be able to come to the the shower. I wish that I could attend virtually, but an in-person event isn’t doable right now with the virus. I also wanted to let you know that unless I can get the vaccine, I won’t be able to come to the wedding. I hope you can understand and that you know how much I wish we weren’t in a pandemic right now.”

      • Anon

        Unless you are trying to turn this into a Teachable Moment for the bride this is too much. I agree more with Anon at 10:34.

        (To be clear, if you’re intent IS to turn this into an attempted teachable moment, I do agree an in person shower in March is aggressive, I just don’t think that will change anything and slightly strain your relationship, which I don’t think is your goal).

    • Anon

      This is way too much thinking. I agree you should tell her directly, but why not simply say due to Covid precautions you will not be able to attend, and send all your love & best wishes and of course whatever gift you would normally send. Your note doesn’t need to cast aspersions on organizers or attendees who are taking different precautions from you (you are privately allowed to think these thoughts though).

    • Anonymous

      Just rsvp no with your deepest regrets and ask the hostess where to send a gift so that it can be opened at the shower with a card.

      She doesn’t need your explanation, she already knows full well why you aren’t coming. You cannot fix this for her, just do your normal polite thing and decline to engage with drama about it.

    • anon

      Oof, that’s hard. I think the above posters have some excellent advice about how to wordsmith this. I believe you’re doing the right thing. That said, I would be preparing yourself mentally for the fallout. If she’s being this stubborn about literally everything, my hunch is that she isn’t going to take this well and your friendship may suffer for it.

    • Anonymous

      All rationality flies our the window when people are desperate to achieve life milestones

      • Anon

        Eh, my guess is if people could move something 2 weeks and it would be all better, they’d have done that. But if you just want to be married and who comes, comes, I wouldn’t change the date. I’d just let the chips fall b/c you can’t plan anything, ever. If people are getting married as something they do before kids, moving cities, etc., then it makes sense not to delay and just know that the size will probably be a lot smaller.

    • Z

      Yeah….. most people will not be vaccinated by then. If Biden’s plan to have 100 million people vaccinated in the first 100 days is successful, we will be around 100 million by the end of April, which is about half of the adult population, so not bad. But still not herd immunity! They should reconsider their plans.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        I have a number of high-risk health conditions and I’m not expected to be vaccinated until April. WA State. So yeah, it’s not really a reasonable thing to think that MAY would be good for a wedding with, I assume, a mix of people not all of whom would fall into a priority category.

    • Anon

      yes, you should tell the bride directly in addition to the hostess. what are your other friends doing? i too would not go. are you married? do you have kids? not saying to take the easy way out, but if you need to blame it on someone, blame it on your DH. or say that you’ve decided as a family that until your kids are vaccinated or herd immunity you aren’t going to be attending events. And you could always send something extra to the shower or for the wedding. I’ve missed almost every friend’s bachelorette party due to a variety of reasons (another wedding to attend, family bar mitzvah, etc.) and I’ve usually sent something or covered something, like a round of drinks, in lieu of my presence. that being said, none of these events were during a pandemic and i think this person is looney tunes. i have a cousin getting married in early August and I likely wont be attending due to the travel required, and i have small children who def wont be vacicnated by then

    • marmalade

      Don’t go if you don’t feel comfortable, but please let the bride know you will celebrate with her later. Take her and her new husband out to a very fancy dinner in the fall or something. In her shoes, I would be feeling abandoned right now.

      • Anonymous

        Feeling abandoned because OP does not want to defy public health advice, common sense, and probably state executive orders to attend an in-person bridal shower? If that makes her feel abandoned, I wouldn’t want to be her friend any more. OP is the one who should be feeling abandoned. Her friends have left her alone in the realm of sanity.

      • anon

        Sad and disappointed is reasonable. But abandoned? We’re in the middle of a pandemic, for crying out loud. Nobody LIKES to miss out on their friends’ special milestone events.

      • Anon

        I agree with this. I think that not going is the right thing to do, but I would really try to make it up to my friend somehow. Mainly because I love my friends and I would feel bad for missing out on a long-awaited and important milestone. I missed my BFF’s 40th birthday celebration this year, and even though I knew skipping out was the right thing, it didn’t mean it was easy to miss out on something like that. Can you do something sweet for her, like a small shutterfly book with pictures of y’all and a heartfelt letter to her to read before the shower or wedding? Something to still make it feel special even though the circumstances are less than ideal.

      • Anon

        you’d be feeling abandoned/not understand why people don’t want to attend your wedding in the middle of a pandemic? i agree that the OP should reach out to the friend directly in addition to the hostess and either send something or find another covid-safe way to acknowledge this milestone for her friend. to be extremely disappointed that you can’t have the large wedding that you’ve always wanted is one thing (that’s how i would feel), but to say that you’d be feeling abandoned by friends who would like to adhere to public health guidance is a bit harsh and honestly i’d be questioning my friend’s judgment and values and not sure if i’d want someone who is planning a large wedding during a pandemic as a close friend

      • Anonymous

        OP here – thanks everyone. This friend has supported me at many life milestones – my bridal shower, baby shower, bachelorette party, wedding – and I want to do the same for her. She has a general tendency to be stubborn (always has). There is one other friend in the group who lives a mile from me, so we have been discussing (I don’t think the other friends who live farther away were invited). We both feel the same way – want to support her (as she has done for us), but don’t want to go due to COVID concerns.

        I’m not trying to give anyone a lecture, I’m trying to decline an invitation without the friend feeling abandoned. My friend is a smart person, is fully aware of the COVID impact (heck, she has to teach in person college classes, and is aware how her college students are ignoring a lot of the COVID guidance), but just seems to not see practically on this issue. I think the poster at 10:47 hit the nail on the head – the bride to be is desperate to achieve this milestone. I appreciate people taking the time to weigh in.

        • Anonymous

          She can achieve the milestone of being married without having an in-person bridal shower or a big fancy wedding. We lost a parent to COVID and had the memorial service over Zoom. Humans are resilient and can adapt.

        • Nan

          In those circumstances, I absolutely wouldn’t go but I would send a really really nice gift – like as much as I’d spend on travel costs etc. if I were attending the event. You could also maybe send flowers or something the day before the shower saying “I’m thinking of you at your shower tomorrow and wish I could be there tomorrow!” Or something along those lines.

      • Anon

        Christ, I’m glad you people aren’t my friends. You can still feel hurt and disappointed even if there’s a very, very good reason why your friends can’t come.

        • anon

          Here’s a thought: when that “very, very good reason” is a deadly global pandemic, maybe consider moving your event? The hurt and disappointment are entirely due to the bride’s stupidity (yes, I know sHe HaS a pHd but she’s clearly lacking common sense).

    • Anonymous

      You send regrets and a gift, and keep your mouth shut. She doesn’t want or need your lecture or judging, and you aren’t changing her mind.

      • Anonymous

        The only lecturing and judging that seems to be going on here is on the part of the shower hostess. Someone needs to balance that out. Science, people.

  14. Curious

    Silly thing:

    Last night I was thinking about pizza. I thought about Neapolitan pizza. Suddenly I realized that Neapolitan ice cream was named after Naples and not Napoleon! I feel much more kindly toward it now.

    Only took me 32 years.

    • Anon

      If you want to pay penance by learning more about Naples (food, art, history, anything), you won’t regret it.

      I just looked this up after seeing your comment, and apparently the two names aren’t even thought to be cognate? Neo-poli “new city” vs. probably a German word, nebulaz, that means “mist,” like in the Nibelungs. Huh.

      • Curious

        Oh fun, I had no idea! I mean they don’t even sound that much alike; I think the initial confusion must have come from when I was too young to know about Naples.

        I am digging the cultural research assignment….

    • Ellen

      I did not know this. But Napolean’s are a form of delicious french pastry dessert that often comes with a big scoop of Hagen Daze vanilla ice cream on the side, so I would first double check this in a French restrunt chef to be sure. I would not want to be embarassed telling this to a French cleint and then finding out it was not true b/c you thought it was Italian.

      Elizabeth/Hive: does anyone know the proper usage or origin of the term?

    • pizzalover

      It just took from birth until now (44 years) to learn about the existence of Neapolitan pizza. And I live in Chicago. Thank God this board is anonymous.

    • Senior Attorney

      Related story: It turns out there is a specific guy in Naples who is (or has annointed himself) the arbiter of all things Neopolitan pizza. And my husband and I have watched SO MANY FOOD SHOWS while on a diet in January that we were watching some show the other night and he popped up and we were all, “Oh, look! There’s that Neopolitan pizza guy again!”

  15. Anon

    My good friend’s father-in-law passed away after a long struggle. The family hasn’t listed any charities, but I would like to honor him with a donation to a local group (I live many states away). How does one do this? How does the family find out that there was a donation in their name and is that weird? Apologies, this is all new to me and isn’t really done in my culture.

    • anon

      Just send them a check and specify that it’s for whatever memorial fund they decide to set up.

    • Anon

      This is very thoughtful of you. If you know a cause that he was passionate about (i.e. feeding the hungry, caring for the ill, rescuing animals) look online for a charity in their area. Most if not all charities accept online donations now. There is usually a place to note whether it is in honor or memory of someone, and many groups will send a card notifying the family of the donation.

    • Anon

      not weird. you can choose a local hospital, local non profit or a more national organization. many sites have an option to check a box if the donation is in honor of someone and they will send then an email and/or card letting them know

    • fasd

      Many charities allow you to specify that the gift is in honor of someone and then send a card to the family after the donation is complete. Not sure how common this is in smaller charities, but you could call and ask. In general, though, I’d be leery of making a donation to a charity the family hasn’t specified because there is a chance of inadvertently offending someone.

    • Anon

      Yes, I’ve worked in nonprofits my whole career and generally there is a section in the online form where you can include the deceased’s family mailing address so they can be sent a card or letter. Very common and not weird.

  16. Anon

    When I was a kid, there were some Megs (Margarets) and also some Megans. Then came Meghan, Meaghan, and some pronounced MEE-gan. Is there one that is more Irish? [If this is even Irish.] Expecting a daughter. Husband wants to “honor his Irish side,” but dude has never even been to Ireland and we’ve had some friends try to do this winding up with what they think are good names that they seem to come to regret when they later find that they are more of the trend than the traditional version of a name. I am OK with Megan and feel like going another way will result in the kid always getting that version of the name anyway. I could also go with the 1000 varieties of Katherine/Kathleen (but probably the first two and probably Catherine with a C since some cousins have apparently trademarked the K versions). If it matters, our last name is Irish and already misspelled as a less common variant of a homophone name (e.g, Mark McGwire — probably never spelled right and now it has an asterisk).

    • Anonymous

      I know that Maeve has had a resurgence in popularity if you like Irish “M” names. It feels a little affected to me at times, though.

    • Anon

      Honestly, the spelling doesn’t matter, people will get it wrong if it’s anything but Megan anyway. Choose the name you like, but try to stick to the pronunciation most common in your culture. IMO, which I know doesn’t matter in relation to your kid’s name, Mee-gan is like nails on a chalk board and always attached to a Janice-from-friends like voice and personality. I also get reminded of the Key and Peele Meegan skits.

    • Anon for this

      From decades of personal experience, I don’t think anyone uses a person’s actual spelling of Megan correctly with any regularity, FWIW. Even that person’s own relatives and in-laws.

    • Anon

      Your daughter is the one who has to live with the name, not your husband. Do NOT do this.

      I have an Irish first and last name and it’s actually really uncomfortable. My family has no connection to Ireland (the most recent immigrant was in the 19th century and AFAIK, no one has even visited since), has intermarried with people of so many other nationalities that I’m more a mutt than Irish, and has zero Irish traditions whatsoever. It is really, really uncomfortable when people see my super-Irish name and start talking to me about Cork and which county we are from and Irish traditions and when I’m going to the ancestral homeland and…. Then they are viscerally upset when this “super-Irish” girl is not into IRELAND.

        • Anon

          I think that Megan is a pretty vanilla name at this point. Ditto Katherine/Catherine.

          I would hit pause on Aiofe.

          • Z

            Yeah and Saoirse, which (some) Americans only know how to pronounce because it belongs to a celebrity. Don’t ask me to spell it without looking it up though :)

        • Anon

          When you have a very Irish name, the people who are weird about Ireland come out of the woodwork.

    • anon

      Hi from a Megan. I think my spelling is the “correct” one but I’m biased :) it will get misspelled no matter which spelling you use. I am Irish decent (3 sets of grandparents born in Ireland) and know a fair amount of people born in Ireland. Megan and Meghan are the only spellings I have seen from Irish people born in Ireland FWIW

      • Anonymous

        My SIL is Meghan, and she said people always say “Meg-Han”, so advice is to go with Megan.

    • Anon

      I always thought the Mee-gan pronouncers were just saying it wrong because of their own accent.

    • Ribena

      As someone with a commonly misspelled (for another correct spelling) first name I would suggest this:

      If the alternative spelling is still common (Sara/ Sarah, Clare/ Claire), go for it. The misspellings will annoy you all but also be something you get used to.
      If it’s a less common spelling (Sarra, Klare), just re consider and potentially think about giving a common middle name that your kid can use if they get sick of the spellings thing.

      • Anon

        Agreed (we know a ton of Fionas already, it may be “taken” in our circles, in a way that a really common name would not be). I grew up with a Siobhan (with a French last name) and thought that that named rocked. I am sure that no one where we live could pronounce or spell that.

        • pugsnbourbon

          Siobhan is great. You could do Niamh or Aoife if you want to go all in. Or Saoirse, which is probably getting more popular.

        • Seventh Sister

          Shiv Roy! Succession. That name has grown on me.

          To be frank, I grew up in the 80s as a non-Catholic in a super-Catholic area where nearly every Susan, Carol, and JoAnne named their kids Caitlin or Sean or Declan. My advice is to try and pick something that isn’t pronounced in a way that is very different from the way that it is spelled (like Aisling). I love the name Orla. Also I lobbied hard for Maud but lost.

      • Lilau

        My husband also loves this name. Unfortunately, it is also a Lyle Lovett song, which is a favorite of my father’s, about a very tall women with one eye and a brother who may or may not bite her suitors. My husband questioned whether my dad would bring it up every time we mentioned it and we’re 10/10 for him breaking into song, specifically “she’s my one-eyed Fiona!” Very loudly, with acoustic air guitar.

        This is not to discourage anyone from using an otherwise lovely name only to express my admiration and jealousy of anyone who can call their daughter this or the equally lovely Layla.

    • Anon

      Go for it. Please don’t try to introduce a Gaelic spelling that looks (to American eyes) nothing like it sounds – that’s just a mean thing to do to your kid. But Megan or Meghan is fine and like Rachel/Rachael, she’s going to get a wrong spelling pretty frequently no matter which way you go.

    • Anon

      Hello from someone with a common Irish name with a million variations (Caitlin). As long as it’s not a word that would be hard for Americans to spell/pronounce like Saoirse, I think you’re fine.

      • Anon

        Yeah I love the name Roisin but a) I’m not Irish enough to pull it off (I’m third generation) and b) it is not phonetic to Americans!

        I live in an area where most people are of Irish descent so Siobhan is common enough that everyone knows how to pronounce it, but most other Gaelic names are not common.

    • AnonKate

      Im a Katherine and speaking as someone with a name with many “correct” spellings, no matter which spelling you choose, everyone will get it wrong. My own grandfather spelled it Catherine for years.

      I love the name Megan/Meghan but it’s very popular with the 20s/30s crowd. I think Megan is the default spelling, but I know more Meghans (all of whom are of Irish descent. This spelling “feels” more Irish to me – maybe because the silent H in names like Gallagher?)

      As for Meagan – I know one pronounced like Megan and another pronounced like Mee-gan. If you want to be clear it’s pronounced Megan I think Megan or Meghan are both fine.

    • theguvnah

      with all due respect I’ve always disliked the name Megan in all of its spellings – and it sounds like you don’t like it either (“I am OK with Megan”). Just take it off the list!

  17. anon

    How is everyone motivating their teams these days? I work on a 7-person team and everyone is really struggling. I only have one direct report but fill in a much needed role of HR/motivation/support for the entire team (this is an area where my boss acknowledges a deficit). People are feeling unmotivated and that our very ambitious goals are not attainable (note: they won’t change). Help!

  18. Anonymous

    Ladies, I’ve been working at losing baby weight* since September. I’m down 25-30 lbs and today, I had to exchange some new pants I ordered for a size down….a size I have not worn since 2009. It has made my week.

    *i have 3 kids and my youngest is almost 3 ;).

      • Anonymous

        OP here. YES. I lost 10-15lbs of COVID weight and the rest was weight that slowly built up over the course of 8 years and 3 babies. I did/ am doing weight watchers. I’ve tried to do keto or intermittent fasting in the past, as well as up my exercise game. But what I really needed to do was shift the way I eat to accommodate my lifestyle and it has really, really worked. I am the laziest dieter, I hate the gym, I have kids that half eat their dinners leaving little scraps of junk everywhere, and I drink too much wine. If I can lose weight like this I would heartily encourage you to try.

        I hate tracking food, but it’s honestly the only thing that works. WW makes it much easier than other programs/apps I’ve used, particularly if you go with one of the programs that have lots of 0-point foods. I just eat all 0-point foods and never have to track them. In fact, I think my aversion to tracking food actually helped me lose weight since I would eat a 0 point food instead of something else simply so i didn’t have to find my phone and log it!

        • Anon

          i know this is such a personal thing, and i’ve lost weight before, but i’m struggling with getting into that mindset that i’m doing it now, and not opening the bag of pretzels when the kids are in bed and DH isn’t home and i’m just tired and almost on autopilot start eating random snacks. how did you get into the mindset that you were going to do it now?

          • Anonymous

            I…didn’t. I saw a photo of myself this summer and was like woah, all that weight that I saw on the scale is now really obvious. But that’s why I think WW ended up working for me. If I knew I wanted a bag of pretzles at night, I just ate accordingly during the day.

            The biggest thing I had to do was give up my 1-2 glasses of wine–or recognize I had to adjust my eating to allow for them. But since my wine time is evening, I found something new to do while watching TV and took up knitting. Which I’m terrible at but it gave me something else to replace the holding-the-wineglass (or pretzel bag) habit. I’ve since stopped knitting but broke that habit. I also started reading again (physical books) and we’ve been doing some minor home reno which we try and do on evenings now when we aren’t too burned out.

      • Jules

        That was supposed to have an exclamation point on the end; somehow without it, it sounds snarky.

        So, congratulations!

  19. Anon

    Does anyone send remembrance flowers on the anniversary of the death of a loved one? My grandmothers died within a year of each other, one two years ago and one last year. Their passing dates are five days apart. I had flowers sent to my parents house for each passing, but I’m not sure what to do this year. I think it would be nice to send them flowers again and say “In Remembrance of Grandma C and Grandma G” but I’m just wondering if this is a thing that people do. I don’t want to make them feel worse by over-highlighting the time.

    • Explorette

      It’s probably family specific. I lost both of my parents within 9 months of each other. It was a terrible time in my life, and I would not enjoy being reminded of it. I don’t want to celebrate the anniversary of death.

    • Anon

      I privately remember the day of death, but celebrate my dad on his birthday by doing something he enjoyed and talking about him with my kids.

      I’m trying to focus on the good of his life rather than the sadness of losing him. I don’t think I’d want flowers on the anniversary of his death.

    • anon

      You could send flowers and simply say: Thinking of you. I know it’s a tough time of year. I love you.
      Don’t need to mention the passing. They’ll know. They are likely doing something on their own to remember. I also would only send one bouquet, maybe in between or before the first.

      IMO it is a thoughtful thing to do. I have friends who have from time to time done that around the anniversary of my dad’s death. Makes me feel loved and less alone.

    • Anon

      not for my parents bc i talked to my parents almost every day, but i’m in my 30s and have a few friends who’ve lost parents and i always try to acknowledge the anniversary of their death. usually mroe so with a text/card

      • Anon

        I’m the same – don’t do anything for my grandparents deaths – would feel oddly formal for us since I text my parents daily and see them almost weekly, and because I am also mourning my grandparents but for my friends who have lost parents (were in our 20s so it’s rare / devastating), I always text them on the anniversary

    • Senior Attorney

      I feel like it’s well nigh impossible to “over highlight” something like this. I would err on the side of the nice gesture.

    • Cat

      It’s a sad thing that I now track anniversaries of friends’ parents’ passing, but I try to send a “thinking of you” text so they can either respond or not.

  20. Anonymous

    Another COVID wedding question. I’m having a ceremony and dinner at home with immediate family only. I want the officiant to be someone who will attend anyway (don’t want to add another risk factor) and my older brother is the only family member who feels comfortable in that role.

    Here’s the problem: I’m divorced and my brother will not let it go. I was 18 when I got married (to a 30 year old… are you surprised it was an abusive relationship?) and 20 when I got divorced. No contact with the guy since. I’m now 35. Every time I talk to my brother about getting (re)married, he brings up the divorce – hopefully it sticks this time, here we go again, glad to be invited to this one, or similar. I’ve told him very bluntly to knock it off, he responds with something like “what??? I didn’t mean anything by it/I was just joking sis”, I tell him it’s not funny “my rape is not a joke”, but he keeps doing it. It’s very upsetting to be reminded of the guy who raped and nearly killed me. Our mom and his wife have also spoken to him about this. He’s truly not a sociopath, idk why he has some weird blind spot about this. I know he’s going to say something on the day of, I just have to be prepared for it, but I really don’t want him to make these comments during the ceremony. Would giving him a script prevent this?

    • Anon

      If he is actually not a sociopath, then there is some reason he’s saying these things anyway. To me this sounds more like he’s angry or has baggage surrounding this than that it’s a blind spot. I could make things up about how he feels a brotherly sense of responsibility for protecting you and is projecting his feelings over “failing” to do so, etc., etc. But it seems obvious that “informing him that this is hurtful” isn’t working, and for me this would be time for a real sit down confrontation.

      • OP

        I hear you. It’s not as if we’ve never talked about it. He’s religious and he took it very personally that I got divorced. Our parents divorced though and he never did this to them; I suspect he’s using my divorce as a proxy for his issues about our parents divorce. When I’ve said that to him he denies it.

        Respectfully, I don’t think it’s my job as an abuse survivor to manage my brother’s feelings about my abusive relationship (either alone or by proxy for our parents divorce). I am not willing to hear him out (again) about how marriage is a very serious commitment and divorce is wrong. I am not our parents and my divorce was nothing like our parents; I’m not going to be his stand-in mom so he can say all the things he wants to say to her.

        • cbackson

          Okay, with all of this added context, I can only say: having him officiate you marriage is an absolutely terrible idea. He judges you for divorcing you abuser. I would not even invite him.

        • Anon

          Honestly, I personally would be taking the advice of the other commenters and not inviting him to the wedding at all over this.

          I don’t think any of this is your job or responsibility, but I also don’t understand how he gets to keep saying these things without consequences or huge blow out fights. If you’ve already had these conversations, and it’s still ongoing, then I guess I feel I’d be enforcing my boundary a lot more firmly than by providing a script! But I know that consequences can hurt both parties if there’s a risk of separating people, so that can make things harder.

          I really meant the “if he’s not a sociopath” part, because this sounds so cruel. It’s not always clear to me how to handle things when people are being terrible and religion is involved.

          But to answer your actual question, no, I doubt a script would do the job, because he’s doing this on purpose; it’s not some kind of slip up. I think this is especially true if he feels compelled because of his own family trauma.

        • Cat

          This added context makes me double down on the below advice – do not have him at your wedding at all. I would suggest either a self-uniting license or finding a way to have a third-party officiant perform the marriage safely (like outdoors).

        • Anon

          At this point I’m wondering why he’s even in your life, much less your wedding.

          • anon

            Same. This is also abuse. You don’t have to tolerate it just because you share DNA.

    • franklina

      Um… why is your brother in your life at all? He sounds terrible. Nothing is going to stop him and I’d put good money on him doing it on purporse.

    • Bon

      I wonder if this could be circumvented by asking someone else to perform the ceremony. I normally would be uncomfortable in the role, but hearing you’re reason for not wanting bro to do this — I would step up because you deserve to 100% enjoy your day without that BS.

      But I’d also be concerned that there’s a larger problem here — if you specifically tell your brother you don’t want any mention of this abuse on your wedding day and he won’t honor that … maybe don’t invite him at all. What if you tell him not to mention it or that you are not having him officiate because he’s disrespectful about your divorce? Will he act out and be sure to bring it up? If so, red flag. Red flags everywhere. He must enjoy verbally abusing you and publicly shaming you himself. He isn’t blind.

    • Cat

      I would limit the wedding to parents only and look into self-uniting marriages in your state. No one needs to be dealing with that nonsense on their wedding day.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Whoa. I wouldn’t want him to attend the wedding, much less be the dang officiant. You say he’s not a sociopath but he’s walking a fine line. Mocking your divorce from an abusive man is bad enough if done once; unforgivable that he keeps this up.

    • Blueberries

      Your brother is behaving in a horrid manner. I’m sorry. You, your mom, and his wife have talked with him—this isn’t an accident or a matter of not realizing something he thinks is funny is awful. He is being so purposefully cruel that I would reconsider inviting him.

    • cbackson

      I understand that you don’t want to add exposure but honestly, having the sibling who can’t stop making offensive cracks about your marriage to a terrible person who abused you officiate your second wedding doesn’t sound like an approach that is going to result in happy wedding memories for you. Any chance you can find someone who would be willing to officiate an outdoor ceremony from far away? Some friends recently had an at-home wedding with an officiant who stood on the steps of the house while the wedding party gathered at the front of the yard. The officiant was never within 15 feet of anybody during the short time she was there.

    • Anon

      I definitely would not have him serve as the officiant. Even if he agrees to a script, there is nothing to prevent him from making inappropriate remarks in the moment and he has shown that he will do this. You don’t need that anxiety on your wedding day.

    • Anon in Dallas

      I would not want this person to marry me (or quite possibly to be at the marriage)

    • Anonymous

      It’s extremely obvious he should not officiate. I’m concerned you don’t see that.

      • No Face

        I’m also very concerned that you think this is a “blind spot.” Your brother repeatedly bringing up someone who raped you is far outside the bounds. Doing it after you’ve told him to stop is shocking. Your confidence that he will do this on your wedding day while you are considering having him officiate (!!!) is truly beyond. There is no blind spot here. He is choosing to hurt you with full knowledge that he’s hurting you.

        OP, I truly hope you take some quiet time to reflect on your relationship patterns, especially as you are getting married. Do you excuse or justify the actions of people who repeatedly harm you?

    • Senior Attorney

      Joining the chorus. Draft someone else to officiate or do it yourselves. Here’s your script:

      Bro, I’ve thought about it and in light the fact that I don’t want to hear a word about my first marriage on my wedding day, and the fact that I don’t trust you to be able to control yourself in that regard, I’ve decided to keep the wedding to just Mom and Dad and [whoever else]. We’ll miss you but that’s my decision and it’s final.

    • Anon

      Agree with everyone who says I would not invite him to the wedding. I know someone asked about Glennon Doyle’s book the other day, and I think this situation is a perfect example of one thing she writes about. (In the book, she is talking about parenting, but it applies here too if you just change out the word “children” to “decisions”.)

      “It is not [a woman’s] duty to convince everyone on her island to accept and respect her and her [decisions]. It is her duty to allow onto her island only those who already do and who will walk across the drawbridge as the beloved, respectful guests they are.”

      Your brother doesn’t respect you and your decisions. You’re right that it isn’t your job to convince him to accept you — but you’re within your rights to keep him off your island until he does.

    • Anonymous

      I think having your brother at the wedding is a terrible idea. He does not sound like a man that will behave in any accepteptabke manner.

      My guess is that he will make sure to hurt you if he officiates. And if you change plans and use somebody else, he will be offended and still make it his mission to hurt you.

    • NW Islander

      Hi. I don’t really have advice but my brothers haven’t forgiven me for my divorce either. Similar facts to you – I was 16 when we started dating, he was older, and basically coerced me into getting married against all my entreaties and objections. He was older, he knew better…right?

      I am late 30s and my brothers have never treated me the same. They invalidate everything I say or do, not just around relationships. It is hard. I’m sorry you went through all that, I’m sorry your family is not supportive, and I wish you so much happiness in your upcoming marriage. Thanks for the inspiration:)

    • Anon

      Three years ago, I asked this board for advice about a situation in my family after I got engaged. The advice was very supportive of me and, thankfully, very blunt about really thinking whether or not I wanted those people at my wedding. It was shocking to me, because I’m big into family, but it was a very important wake-up call.

      Let me add to the chorus, as someone who has been there: do not invite your brother to your wedding. Find another officiant. If you need a script, here goes: “Your sarcastic and nasty remarks about comparing this marriage to my rape is demeaning to both myself and my husband-to-be. My fiance is NOTHING like my ex-husband and I am NOT going to allow anyone in my life to degrade that good man by making that comparison. My wedding is reserved for those who think that marriage is not to be treated frivolously, and your repeated comparisons to my rapist make me see that you are not supportive of this loving union.”

      I am a deeply religious person and the story of your first “marriage” makes me hurt for you precisely because a 30-year-old man raping a young woman is the antithesis of what marriage should be and makes a mockery of the institution. If your brother has problems with the divorce and how marriage is not taken seriously, he should take that up with your ex-husband. If he can’t STFU after your mother and his wife tell him to, really consider not having him in your life. You’re not there for him to work out his issues on, and, BTDT, the stress of his nastiness will make your young marriage harder.

    • Anon

      Is there a member of your to-be-spouse’s immediate family who can do it instead?

    • Anon

      I would cut this “brother” out of my life so fast and never look back. I’d be putting him in the ex-brother file and never taking him out. No wedding invitation. No passing go. And no collecting $200. He doesn’t deserve any of you after still bringing this up OVER A DECADE LATER. Man, I hate this guy.

    • anon

      Do not have him officiate. It will take joy away from this. Have a mutual friend of you and your husband do it, ask them to take a covid test and quarantine beforehand. Tell your brother you’ve decided to have someone associated with you AND your husband and do not base it on his screwed up comments about your abuse. At a separate time, decide if there’s value in discussing that topic with your brother or just distancing yourself from him. Whether you invite him or not to the wedding is up to you. I think he sounds awful, but I also grasp that the drama over not inviting him may take even more joy away from your day.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t even invite him. You’re a saint seeing as you haven’t cut him out of your life.

  21. Anon

    In the last couple years, I have turned into a legit monster for 7-10 days before my period. I think it’s beyond normal PMS. It’s like an evil person has taken over my brain and my body. I have irrational thoughts, insane anxiety, and the most intense food cravings, like my body NEEDS ice cream and chips right now or it will not survive. I also turn mean and embrace worst-case scenarios, which is not me at all—I am usually a rational optimist. I also retain huge amounts of water. I don’t just feel heavier, I swear I LOOK heavier.

    Then I get my period, I feel 20 pounds lighter physically and emotionally, and I’m back to my normal self.

    Starting to think it might be PMDD. Anyone suffer from that and/or been diagnosed? How did you deal with it?

    • Anon

      Yes. My psychiatrist discussed Deplin with me. My insurance didn’t cover it, so I tried over the counter methylfolate instead. I also got a copy of Lara Briden’s Period Repair Manual. I wouldn’t normally consult a naturopath or whatever her credentials are, but it’s slim pickings for PMDD, so I took the book to my primary care doctor, who was able to confirm that I was both zinc and magnesium deficient as well as insulin resistant. So now I take zinc, magnesium, and methylfolate and watch my diet, and I no longer get significant symptoms (no water retention, maybe slightly more emotional than on another day of the month, but no crying jags or fits of rage or binge eating).

      This is just what worked for me. What did not work was continuous birth control, which made me feel really on edge all of the time instead of just one week a month. So that’s why I had to look harder for something that would help.

    • anon

      Yes, and it’s a bear. Probably the most effective thing for my mood swings is a constant low dose of Zoloft. Per my gyn’s recommendation, I tried taking it in just my luteal phase, and that did not go well for me. That isn’t enough time to get used to the medication and see the benefits. The most effective thing for my physical symptoms is continuous birth control. However, I recently stopped taking it after 8 months because it was undeniably causing weight gain and tanked my drive to garden. This, unfortunately, is consistent with every birth control experience I’ve tried, but other people do quite well on this regimen. It definitely evened out my hormones and helped with the mood swings. So I’m still trying to figure it out. Midol helps with the water retention, if you can handle the caffeine in it. Menstrual migraines can be an issue for me, so I start taking headache medicine like the second I get even a tinge of pain and try to keep it up until my period arrives.

      It’s a lot of trial and error to figure out what works for your particular symptoms.

    • Anony

      I have had really good luck with the Hum Moody Bird supplement. I start taking it a week before and it really limits my “insane” feelings.

    • Anon

      Yes, that was me before I started the pill. It was life changing for me. I had the worst depression, anxiety and sadness before every period. Now with BC I barely even notice I have a period at all.

    • Anon

      My symptoms are not as intense. But I keep a reminder on my calendar for those days and try to do more exercise in the morning on those days. I read somewhere that exercise helps keep reduce period related moodiness.

  22. franklina

    Help me shop?

    I saw a lady in the hall with a cute top on and called out to ask her where she got it. She paused for a moment, then continued on, without acknowledging me (the only person who could have called to her).

    SO. I’m looking for a short sleeve to elbow length top, probably knitted, neckline probably scoop. This one was a nice jewel blue. The only embellishment was a small tie in the front at the waist. Not an empire/maternity top, not a peplum, not a wrap or tie front shirt, just a little addition that sort of defines without overdoing it in the midsection? Based on where I can tell this person works (it’s a restricted part of the building, essentially), price range and styling is probably Kohls/Macys/Target-esque, not designer anything.

    Apparently my covid-15 is all in my midsection so a distraction thereabouts would be nice in a top.

  23. Anon

    We are having some cabinets painted and installed in our mini laundry room make over. Can I just tell you, the emerald green color I picked out is making me SO HAPPY. Cabinet doors are still off but they’re fundamentally installed. Add some gold knobs later today and…. yes. This is my source of happiness in COVID times and I’ll take it.

    • Anon

      Had to search for emerald green cabinets and OMG gorgeous! Love it and hope you enjoy them!

    • anne-on

      That sounds amazing, enjoy!
      I also LOVE color and have my office painted in a deep British racing green and people in my company ask about it at least once a week (we do a lot of video calls, we’re all not shy about calling out good office set ups, ha!). Yay color!

  24. allieoops

    The comments from yesterday re ways to check owns own work reminded me of a question I had — in your law firms, who handles the majority of the cite checking process? Paralegals or 1st year attorneys? And what’s your size firm? We’re a midsize where there’s constantly a tug both directions.

    • Anonymous

      I have worked in firms of all sizes and never once had a paralegal check citations. I almost always do it myself but occasionally pass it off to the least senior attorney.

      • Anon

        ^^ This. I have never had a paralegal check citations and also never had a paralegal who understood why good citations were important. (And both paralegals I’ve ever had have been stellar.)

      • allieoops

        Thanks! I know large firms tend to have a whole process where paralegals check citations up to a certain point. It just seems to be a point of contention at the smaller firm level, apparently!

        • Anon

          This. Done both big and small law. Big firm paralegals check your cites. Small firm paralegals generally don’t and potentially function more like legal assistants, depending on your firm.

  25. Kimono

    In the spirit of finding joy in the small things, I was thinking of buying a really pretty, silk kimono to wear around the house. But I think I would find it silly to wear it while picking up after kids, or doing dishes, or having dinner with the family. With two small kids, two jobs, and y’know the pandemic, I don’t have any time for just lounging around. Watching tv in bed before I fall asleep is my me time most days. My hunch is I will buy these pretty kimonos and won’t end up using them at all. So….qs for the hive…anyone have any nice robes or kimonos that you end up using a lot? When do you wear them? Do they just hang prettily in your closet??

    • Cat

      I have also considered buying a silky robe and decided against it for exactly this reason. Robes get ick on them – coffee spills, wine spills, in your case small kid mystery goo. There’s no way I was willing to either hand wash or dry clean a robe.

      Instead I bought a Lake Pajamas cotton robe, which is not at all the same in silky slippery design, but which is the nicest cotton I think I’ve ever felt, and launders beautifully.

    • Senior Attorney

      My issue with silk is that it slides open. My very favorite robe is a lightweight white cotton waffle weave kimono-style robe that I got at a fancy-ish hotel in Santa Monica. I wear it every morning while doing my morning routine. (I put it on when I roll out of bed.) It lives on a hook on the back of my dressing room door during the day.

    • pugsnbourbon

      What about a lightweight cotton robe, or a peshtemel-style robe, in a pretty color? There’s some real estate between silky kimono and utilitarian terry-cloth robe.
      FWIW, I have a silky kimono-style robe and I wear it at least weekly, but I don’t have kids.

    • Airplane.

      I wear mine all the time – having a cocktail or tea after dinner with a face mask on. But I’m someone who will wear fancy lingerie and a silk robe around the house to watch a movie or listen to music for a theme night I plan for myself, etc. When the weather is nice I’ll wear it on the deck just to hang out with my dog. But I’m child free and DH is used to this whimsical side of me so YMMV.

    • Anon

      I am so late, but I wear the Natori Shangri-La robe and it’s perfect. Lightweight, modest enough, stays closed.

      If you’re looking for something more sweater like, I got my daughter the Kim K Skims robe that I think was featured here, in the “cozy knit” and it’s excellent. May be hard to find but certainly worth googling.

    • Anonymous

      I use my robes with narrower sleeves more than my beautiful silk kimonos. I spill things and get stuck in the wide sleeves!

  26. franklina

    I don’t have the official read yet, just a prelim, but I had a medical test done today for a Thing that Could be Rather Bad, and while the results are not that much different from before, they’re just off enough that I’m mildly concerned, and honestly, annoyed at the possible prospect of having to do more work up.

    I believe this calls for a Frappuccino.

      • Franklina

        I think the vibes worked :)

        I messaged my doc and he said it looked ok to him. Still have to have another test done (it’s 2 screenings done to check for this) but it’s unlikely that anything real bad will show up on one and not the other.

        Java chip with raspberry.

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